#ANOTHER VENT

[pumpkinsong42]

self hatred

#another vent #my art

[clpudsnstars]

He speaks in ifs and maybes and imagines. It makes me think he’s just as scared as me.

He speaks in ifs and maybes and imagines. It makes me think he’s just as scared as me.

Of course, he has reason to. I broke both our hearts the first time around.

Of course, i have reason to. I’ve never given so much of myself to something that I know might not work.

I introduce him to the little girl in me; very few have met her. She tells him her dreams, her fears, her hopes. She tells him the reasons behind each one.

He’s one of the first people to sit and listen.

She says she’ll wait for him, whenever he’s ready to bring out the little boy.

She’ll listen to his dreams, his fears, his hopes. The reasons behind each one.

She can see the glimmer of hope in his eyes and the hesitation in the way he draws his next breath.

She doesn’t hurry him. We can wait.

For once I’m not in a rush.

I think maybe we’ll have the rest of our lives.

Maybe

#words #poetsandwriters #words words words #spilled poetry #poetry #spilled words #spilled ink #another vent #rants n rambles #short poem #from my journal #scrap #i love this boy #i hope it works #maybe it won’t #ill try anyway

[jarognieva]

I feel so empty and lonely I'm losing my mind

#it's not even depression #just i have so little human interaction that it's unbearable #I'm too stupid for social life #another vent #sry

[bigolgay]

Trigger warning: early stage miscarriage (10-11 weeks).

(Long post. Also I do go into semi graphic descriptions, so proceed with caution. Mention of clots and things)

Should I add a mature label on this as well? This is a super sensitive topic and I don’t wanna trigger anyone or force this on anyone.

So I started typing out a whole rant thing about how I’m feeling mopey because I wish I wanted kids and I started talking about my miscarriage… and quickly realised… I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it before?

Which is SHOCKING because I overshare sm on here lmao.

So… time to overshare on the internet about something no one asked about! I honestly find it hard to believe I’ve never mentioned it before though, so maybe I have and just forgot about it? But yeah, I kinda wanna talk about it in a way, I never get to talk about it and I think this sort of awareness and discussion is important? Maybe I’m not the best person to be having it, but it was a big event and I’ve never really talked about it since it all happened.

But yeah, I had a 10-11 week miscarriage when I was 16. Wasn’t super sad, I knew about the pregnancy for less than a week when I miscarried. And was gonna have an abortion anyway. So🤷. So the story goes, I had consensual sex with a boy (we all make mistakes) and I was young and dumb and didn’t use protection (use protection kids), but also I had already been told by doctors that the chance of me getting (and I suppose staying) pregnant would be difficult without medical intervention and aid, so I guess I just assumed it wouldn’t happen…

Hehe lol it did🫣. Wasn’t a big thing. There was no super obvious symptoms. I was already fatigued, maybe a bit worse but I put that down to me being half way through my first year of A levels. I don’t think I had any food cravings? Had a few food aversions, but I can go through phases of being a picky eater, so nothing stood out there. Didn’t vomit much, had a couple days where I’d eat something that wouldn’t sit well and would come back up, but never often enough for me to catch on and think something was wrong. Have always had super irregular periods, so missing 2 months didn’t stand out to me. The only thing that baffled me a little, was my sudden hatred for the smell of a hand soap we had at the time downstairs in the kitchen. I’d previously quite liked the smell (I believe it was like… eucalyptus and cucumber? Or something like that) but I suddenly started HATING it. Like not just turning my nose up at it, but straight up gagging if I caught a whiff of it. And my mum had told me that she had something similar when she was pregnant with me and she had a few things that she could no longer stand the smell of.

So as a joke I mentioned it to my friends, and one of my friends had a missed period so she was like “let’s do a pregnancy test together!” And it was supposed to be silly and funny… until my one came back positive🤣then we all were like “😧”. Cue the usual panicking and my friends assuring me “it’s gonna be okay! We’re here for you! You’re gonna be a great mum! Think of how cute it’ll be all dressed in baby clothes!” And I’m stood there like “…uh, this is all super sweet you all being so supportive. But this is getting ejected from my body at the earliest possible opportunity😃”.

So I spend the next 5 days trying to figure out how to tell my mum, and I plan to tell her maybe a week into March, because February is the birthday month (both of my older sisters, my step sister and my mum) and I didn’t wanna add more stress. Didn’t end up getting a week into March… because on the first of March I had super bad cramping and had really heavy bleeding and (this is a bit gross) it was like… there was more tissue than I would have on a usual period, and the cramps felt different? Deeper in a way? It’s hard to explain. But they were like… mild contractions so🫣🤷. I realise im miscarrying and im like “well shit… gotta tell mum now🙄” so I call her into the bathroom with me and I tell her I was/am pregnant but that it’s currently being ejected from my body. She says I’m a silly bugger and is hella confused about how because I was an out and proud lesbian already and I’m like “🤷”. She asks all the usual questions (was it consensual? When did you find out? Should I call the doctors?) and then we just sit there.

This is the only bit that’s at all emotional for me. But after about an hour? I ask her to leave me be for a bit. Because it kind of hit me all at once that I was pregnant and I’d just lost it? And I didn’t want it at all. I was too young and I knew kids weren’t for me. But it’s still emotional? It’s hard to explain. So i cry. A lot. From emotions and the unrelenting cramps that made my legs shake. And for the next 2 hours I stay on the toilet and I cry as I pass everything (tissue and things). But after about 3 hours cramping basically stopped, and I wasn’t passing anymore clots or anything.

I bleed quite heavily for about a week and a bit afterwards, but it was basically just like a period at that point. And that’s about it. Telling my friends that they wouldn’t be aunties and uncles was weirdly difficult. I cried some more then too I think. I felt weirdly guilty about losing it? Like they had been in the group chat making all these plans and baby names (literally during my miscarriage I was reading their messages😃). And even in person they’d be touching my belly and talking about how excited they were. So I felt in a way I was letting them down. Uh I spoke to a councillor at college about it for a few weeks. But then after about a month it all faded into the background and was forgotten. And now I barely think about it! And I guess barely mention it!

Anyway! Sorry for the randomness of this! I just started ranting about it and realised it felt nice talking about it to the internet, where I won’t have to deal with seeing the physical reactions of people finding out about it, and it spiralled. Sorry if it got too graphic. I tried to keep it vague.

Moral of the story: Miscarriages are scary, even when the baby isn’t wanted. And also, I overshare way too much on the internet.

Note: I intentionally made this sound nonchalant. Please don’t go thinking miscarriages aren’t traumatic experiences🤦mine wasn’t super traumatic and it doesn’t cause me much trouble now, but it was incredibly unpleasant. I’m sure most people who have miscarriages are far more affected by it than I am. I was just already mostly in acceptance that I’d be getting rid of the baby anyway. Just because I made it sound mild, doesn’t mean it wasn’t painful. Physically it was painful and draining, emotionally it was draining. So yeah. Keep that in mind!

#tw miscarriage #hey look! #another vent #vent post #this felt weirdly good to get off my chest #cathartic? #I dunno if that’s the right word #but it feels good #anyway! #I’m gonna head to bed now #nunight! #who threw the tennis ball!?!🎾

[mochaxswirl]

another ventttt (I’ll be slightly inactive on tumblr for a bit)

hello.

im going to be sorta inactive on tumblr for a bit. I’ve just been really sad lately and I can’t keep up with posting regularly

just checking in and letting everyone know that I’ll be pretty inactive on tumblr. (below contains some mentions of crushes/romance so if you don’t want to read about that I understand.)

school is annoying as usual

but valentine’s day hit me pretty hard.

if you read my last vent post you’d know that I have a crush on a fictional character

hard to not cry over that on the one day where I and many other people are reminded that we don’t have romantic partners

I somehow didn’t but now when im about to go to sleep it hits me again. I should probably go to bed but then I’ll feel more alone. venting helps but idk if anyone is awake rn or if anyone will reply.

i also feel like the worst friend on planet earth because I have trust issues because of an ex friend and now it’s affecting somewhat of my current friendships

I either feel like nobody wants to talk to me or that I can’t even talk to myself

sorry if this is too sad or if I sound edgy, because that’s not my intention.

have a great day everyone, stay safe and hydrated, and remember that you aren’t alone.

#fictional character crush #fictional crushes #fictional characters #fictional other #valentines day #personal vent #vent post #vent #tw vent #another vent #i’m sorry

[nobleclover]

Cancel Culture sucks...

It's honestly disgusting how far someone will go to frame someone as a bad person or even a predator, not to mention ableist if the falsely accused happens to have a disability of some kind. I'm sorry for yet another vent but cancel culture has gone TOO FAR. Making serious allegations of a crime occurring using falsified evidence is an INSULT to real victims of crimes, and these false accusers should be ashamed of themselves.

#another vent #sorry but I just had to put it out there #idc if i get hate #psa #angry vent #cancel culture sucks #if anyone is wondering she has shown me evidence #tw ableism #tw sui mention

[highspeedinterconnect]

also remembering how I used to have a really good friend I was close to who I ended up telling to please stop being jokingly flirty with me when I got a gf but also that it was making me a little uncomfortable with feeling like it wasn’t joking sometimes and they cut me off from everything because they couldn’t be friends with someone they couldn’t “express their real love and emotions to”. Huh

#girl you were literally making me uncomfortable and I asked you to please stop :( #I want friends so bad but I have such awful luck with almost everything including that 🙃 #another vent

[carnalcvpid]

Lol love love loooove the fact that when I FINALLY get everything done to start my hrt privately is when I've run out of money LMAO 👍👍👍 its okay it's motivation for me to set up my shop but also its not okay idk how I'm gonna pay at least £40 a month with literally no fucking money

#i hate the government #and the nhs #why r ur wait times so long #why is the only way to actually get testosterone is make urself bankrupt #lolol #transmasc #another vent #or rant #sorry guys ill post some art soon pinky promise

[hollister-mc]

Idk if yall remember me venting about my childhood friends to lovers crisis, but I wanted to let everyone know that we're official now... ALSO I'M NOT A VIRGIN ANYMORE HAHA, YEAH THATS RIGHT, GOOD OLD EDGE WHO WRITES ROBOT SMUT WAS A LITTLE VIRGIN WHO HAD NO BITCHES

Anyway, thank yall for the support, sorry I've been inactive, my fics are kinda on pause rn, cause I'm working on a commission, and even then, that commission is moving slowly. Its alright tho, we're working on it together. But still, thank you to my mutuals who are there for me

#another vent #rant #edges personal crisis #random #info post #life update #love yall

[st-dionysus]

We've had strap ons since at least 400 BC, and people still have the nerve to go on gay hook up apps and ask "how can an FTM be a top?"

#Not that you even need a strap to top #But that's a another whole conversation it self #Vent #I guess?

[thesickestfuckr]

another vent. this time about men and my history of being mistreated by them

why is it that most men seem to exclusively treat me with... hatred?! i never get this kind of treatment from anyone else. they never actively make fun of my insecurities or are rude to me as a "joke". i'm just at a loss. how am i going to date a man if it seems like 99% of the men i've met in my life actively want to bully me? is this my life? i feel like i'll never be able to date a man, or even form a sexual relationship with them, because i look too feminine for gay men (and most bisexual men i must be frank) and straight men always view me as something feminine that they can trample all over and simultaneously demand affection and arousal from while also treating me like absolute shit.

#sickfuckr talks #another vent #i guess i'm destined to a life of loneliness. it's either that or be abused! hahahahaha maybe i should just die at this point.

[julia-bonkers]

okay guyyysysssss vent post ab my dad 🚨

i hate my dad so much right now. i know that he’s sick and that his father was even worse to him than he was to me but it still makes me sick that anyone could treat a kid like that. i didn’t do anything. i didn’t deserve all that shit. i hate how he leaves for months and then comes back trying to be a dad again. either way it sucks. when he’s gone, i dont have a dad and when he’s here, i have one that sucks. im your fucking kid- not a hobby you can drop once you get bored. and its like. nobody else in this stupid family even gets it. nobody else feels this way. i didn’t talk to him for like. literally two years. all my mom did was pressure me into talking to him again. and now here we are. and now she has the absolute audacity to go back to ranting ab how much she hates him and how much he’s bothering her and being a dick to her?? like yeah. hey i know. it just makes me so mad that she defended him during all. that. but as soon as he bothers her then shes allowed to complain???? whatever this isn’t even supposed to be about her. i hate my DAD. i hate how he acts like he’s the best dad in the world. hey man?? you actually gave me fucking PTSD. my first memory is you screaming at my mom. you dont get to act like youre dad of the year just bc your kids are successful. you didn’t do any of that. none of that was you. yeah, my older sister went to MIT great job! but what did YOU do? and it also fucking sucks because my older half siblings act like he’s great too. they have no fucking clue what he did to me and mom and my younger and older brother for literal years. we were fucking homeless because of him. i hate how everyone just forgets everything. well guess what?? i cant. i cant!!! i cant even remember like 90% of my fucking childhood- and the parts i do remember are mostly awful!! “forgive and forget” genuinely how do i force myself to do that. how. “its unhealthy to be so angry” dont you think i know that?? it is exhausting being this fucking mad all the time. i am so tired of being mad at him. i am so tired of wishing i could have a dad to talk to and have fun with and hug without knowing in the back of my mind that hours and even days of my life were spent sobbing after things he screamed at me. do you think i like holding on to this shit? do you think the nightmares i used to have every. single. night. were fun? none of this is a choice, none of this is a stupid childish grudge. i just hate him and everyone and the whole world right now.

anyways guys thanks for watching🚨🚨🚨 be sure to like and subscribe- AND DONT FORGET TO HIT THAT BELL 🔔 FOR NOTIFICATIONS EVERY TIME I HATE ON MY FATHER 🔥📢‼️

#MY BAD GUYS #ANOTHER VENT #LMAOAOAO

[clpudsnstars]

you boast of having given me pleasure and i remember why i don’t like men.

suddenly i can feel his hands roaming my body, his scent engulfing me, his voice pleading for just a little while longer.

i feel sick.

you’re too much like him, it makes me want to burn off my skin

#words #poetry #words words words #poetsandwriters #spilled poetry #spilled words #another vent #spilled ink #sa #coerced consent #men scare me #pls don’t touch me #cloudys word barf #rants n rambles #short poem #personal vent #trauma #writers on tumblr #writing #literature

[rockstars-12]

Oof, I gotta stop venting on Tumblr

That being said, my psychiatrist is trying to get me to eat more. I had to stop taking my meds because if I don't have a full stomach I throw up, but how can I eat more when we can't afford food?

I get one meal a day if that, and a doctor telling me to buy food isn't helpful. I'd love to be medicated rn, this shit is awful. But I can't afford to loose what little nutrients I get by taking my meds and possibly getting sick.

I just really want to cry. I'm really glad I have no followers, because I don't want to beg for help online. I need to vent this though. This world is killing us. It's killing me at least.

#vent #another vent #dissociative system #idk man #capitalism #depressed #tw: vomit #vent tw #tw medication #tw mental illness

[thediktatortot]

Not people saying “Fandom has always been like this” in that vent post I made. No. It hasn’t always been like this. Fandom has NEVER been like this until recently and if you were in fandom pre-tumblr purge, pre-twitter, pre-netflix boom, pre-tiktok....then you would fucking know it was nothing like this.

We still had the drive to create. We still sold prints and charms and made zines...but it was never like this.

The introduction of streaming, binge shows that drop all at once, tiktok and vine RIP i still love u vine but you were the beginning of a particularly ugly era) creating this bite sized, quick paced ‘content’ era of creation and it bled out into fucking everything else.

Fandoms didn’t die down when the show ended or the season was over. You didn’t mass unfollow artist, writers or moots just because they changed fandoms. There wasn’t this need to please the algorithm in order for your posts to get seen by people and enjoyed.

Fandoms used to last YEARS. Star Trek is literally the oldest running fandom out there and you got people in there that could care less about the new stuff and still have been happily prancing through their fucking fifty year old fandom today. Hell, even SPN after all it’s fuckups and shitshows has a dedicated fanbase STILL creating tons of art and fic.

There is no patience anymore. No calm feeling of taking in fandom and friends at a pace that which doesn’t make you stressed and is still fun.

Do I blame fandom for this? Of course not, but people are complacent with it and start changing their vocab to accommodate and end up making the situation so deep it cant be fixed.

We call Art & Fic Content now, completely stripping the value of what it is to a level of consumerism instead of personal entertainment & community bonding.

#vent post #sorry for another vent #I saw a few tags and comments in that last vent that just make me angry

[violet-amet]

mixed up, messed up, torn up. challenging times.

im not mentally well. and with the overall changes, things are difficult to handle as well.

but what makes it worse, is the relations between my mom and my sister, who aren't blood related to each other, just to me. i cant control the situation or fix it, but given that my mom lashed out at her that night, i do admit, my sister is in the right to do what she did, and though she didn't kick her out, my mom feels that way. while i get what my mom believes, and i get my sister as well. but its what torn me up.

there is nothing to fix here, what has happened, has happened. its just difficult with all that im told. i dont hold anything against my sister, because what my mom did wasnt right, no matter how mentally ill or tired my mom is either. and besides, my sister already has enough to deal with, so having me and my mom around adds to her stress, even if its just me that she doesnt mind.

but what about me? how i feel? i am conflicted, but i cant do anything, other than help my mom. i believe my sister is fine, and will be. if she needs my help, then i would be glad to, if i can do it. otherwise, im drained enough as is, with the changes, and the number of things i need to sort out.

i already enough for one lifetime, but god i wont give up. im gonna need a lot of mental help through this. i hope that when i get benefits, that will be sorted out as well. my mom is currently in a shelter since the argument, and i want to believe she will be fine. i just have anxiety.

ugh. how taxing. and yet, my sister often tells me that im always tired, which feels slightly passive aggressive to me, but then, i may just be misunderstanding. ive been through enough trauma of people telling me things, and already dealt with one mental breakdown. dont want another.

uggggggh. times. they be hard. OTL

i need to be a little bit more stronger, and patient. even if my mom is a troublemaker, instigator, etc, she is my mom, and i need to help her. im limited in what i can do, but i got to try. i also got to make sure to pull myself together, and make sure to set up those boundaries as best as possible.

#blah blah blabbity blah #another day #another vent #times are hard.