#I accept the character directions but mentally and emotionally I am not okay | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

alycosworld · 3 years

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guess who🤡 heyhey 💕 here. I’m pretty sure by this 2nd request u can tell that I’m a very emotional person🧍🏻‍♀️ and that I’m a person that seeks alot of comfort from fictional characters because i dont have a life and good friends.

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putting a divider here so u dont have to read everything and can look out for keywords!

purple—> person

pink—>genre

green—>subject

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I’m not sure if u r comfy writing kazuha so if yr not I’m sorry u can ignore this! i just want a fluff comfort for reader who got like REALLY scolded for getting bad grades for exams because u have no idea how angsty I’m feeling rn:( my parents just literally like scolded me like there was no tmr istg- so i just need really fluff comfort. so a kazuha x NB(non bibary)!reader

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Anyways again tysm u have no idea how grateful i am if you accept my request!!!<3 get lots of rest and drink water. only do this if you want to!

byebye<3

-💕

Kazuha's Wise and Whimsical Words

Kaedehara Kazuha X Reader

A/N: aaaa 💕anon ily!! being emotional is completely fine and I would be honoured to become of your good friends!! I will be a part of your life, private message me if you're ever feeling down! I just want my readers happy because they make me happy aaaaaa 🥺

with that being said, i love this request! My parents were so hard on me when it came to exams, but as soon as I broke away from their expectations, I started to appreciate my grades more. I'll leave the real comforting words for Kazuha to say but NO ONE SHOULD EVER be disappointed in yourself if you tried your best. Thank you for your support and the request, I hope the story makes you feel better. Enjoy!

ps: I took into account the fact that not everyone has a mother and a father and not everyone has two parents at all, so only one parent is mentioned here and they are left gender neutral so it's easier to picture yourself in the story.

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"(Y/N). This is not at all what I expected. What happened to you?" Your parent asked sternly.

"Well, I--"

"I don't want to hear any excuses. Your predicted grades were much higher than this!" They said, raising their voice.

"I'm sorry, I--"

"Sorry is not going to improve your results! Do you really think that now is a good time to be slacking off? You have one more exam period before university. I don't care if you pass those exams, I want you to excel. And if you don't, you are not attending Sumeru Academia, whether they accept you or not. I am not paying for you to study overseas, only for you to get mediocre grades." They said, making you even more anxious than before the exam.

"But I got above the average!"

"By two percent! And the average was low." Your parent said, narrowing their eyes slightly and upsetting you with their belittling gaze.

"Realistically--"

"Realistically? Realistically?! If you want to study realistically, you should find someone else to pay for your education. When you want to study successfully, you can come back." They slammed the stack of sheets that displayed your results on the table with a loud bang before folding their arms as you grabbed a jacket and stormed out of the house, tears running down your face.

You walked for a while in the night, before eventually finding yourself in an area you were less familiar with. After recognising it to be somewhere near your boyfriend's current residence off Beidou's ship, you made a beeline for his place, knocking on the door and hoping, praying he would be alone inside.

The door soon opened and Kazuha stood there, initially with a smile on his face but it soon dropped when he saw your expression.

"(Y/N)? What happened?" He asked.

"C-can I come inside?" You sniffled.

"Of course, Love. Come in." He said, ushering you into his quaint little place. You stood by the door that closed behind you before Kazuha pushed the coat you had lazily draped over your shoulder onto the floor and enveloped you in his arms.

You broke down in his embrace. You had done better than most of your fellow students, and frankly, you were kind of proud of your result. But it was foolish of you to think that your parent would accept anything but perfection. They said it was all for you, but you were doubting it. Did you even want to go to Sumeru Academia? You had had your heart set on it since you were a child, but maybe that was only because your folks always envisioned you going there.

"Why are you crying, my love?" Kazuha asked, sitting you down near the fire to warm you up and standing up to get you a blanket and a hot cup of tea.

"I'm not good enough." You mumbled. If it was anyone else, they wouldn't have heard you. But your boyfriend could listen to the wind "talk" - he was very attuned to quiet and subtle noises.

"Nonsense." He smiled, bringing you the blanket as you listened to the water boil in the background.

"You're more than good enough. Everyone who knows you adores you - no one more than me, of course." Kazuha chuckled, eventually setting down two cups of tea and sitting in front of you on the floor.

"Public opinion won't improve my grades." You said, now more stoic than upset. You had almost become numb and desensitised to degrading comments that after you cried a little and calmed down, you'd be straight-faced and almost emotionless. It didn't feel good, but it was certainly better than feeling bad.

"So this is about school." Kazuha nodded, gesturing for you to continue explaining why had happened.

"They keep talking about my grades. They said I shouldn't be slacking and that I'm not going to get to Sumeru Academia and that they want me to do better...maybe I'm interpreting it wrong. Maybe they're trying to encourage me?" You wondered aloud, thinking that somehow you were the problem. As soon as you said "they", Kazuha knew who you are referring to and sighed.

"Encouragement and doubt are two very different things. Unrealistic expectations, detrimental practices, emotionally, mentally or physically taxing improvement - none of that is going to help you. In fact, it'll make you feel worse. When you really think about what you have to do to achieve perfection, you'll only realise how unattainable it is. You'll fall into a perpetual spiral of intellectual destruction." Kazuha said.

"Then how the hell am I gonna get the best results?" You asked worriedly.

"You won't. No one will ever get the best results because more people and more previously unforeseen factors will come into play. What you can achieve is your best results. Your grades are a product of you, not the other way around. They are no measure of your worth, they cannot define you, and they do not have to be a part of you. If you don't ace one subject, you don't have to hang on to that or turn it into some strange part of you. You can't cling to it, it's impossible to cling to a piece of the past forever. That's not to say you don't learn from it, but it doesn't need to become some villainous trait - in the end, it is only a grade." Kazuha shield at you. His words warmed your heart more than the fire or tea, and they even seemed to dry your tears and allow you to mirror his expression.

"And at the very least, you can hold your head high knowing that you had the strength to participate in an exam when not everyone does. You went in, sat through it, attempted the questions and walked out. Not everyone has the courage to stay; some don't even have the courage to start. That goes for any endeavour you face." Kazuha said, before inching closer to you.

"Feeling any better?" He asked. You nodded instantly. Of course, Kazuha's wise and whimsical words had bettered your mood, it was Kazuha for Archon's sake.

"Good. Maybe we could go for an evening stroll? I'll treat you to dinner if you haven't eaten." He offered.

"Can...can we just stay like this for a little longer? I think being alone with you is nicer." You smiled.

"Of course, Angel. Anything you want."

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this was less physical fluff than I intended, but I think I do comfort with direct words and dialogue best, so I hope this is okay. honestly, everything kasha said is what I would've wished to hear when I was in this situation. I'll probably post a rant about my own exam experiences because this request got all my past feelings to resurface.

thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed!

#kazuha #genshin #kaedehara kazuha #kazuha kaedehara #genshin impact #genshin kazuha #genshin x reader #genshin x y/n #genshin x you #kasha fluff #fluff comfort #comfort #kazuha comfort #non-binary reader #kazuha x reader #kazuha x you #kazuha x y/n

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koujinna · 3 years

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An appreciation essay for emotional comfort

TW: discussions of PTSD, suicidal thoughts, and anger issues

The episode titled “The Ancient One” (Season 4 Episode 14) is an episode that has stayed with me for years. It is an episode I continue to revisit till this day as an adult. I watch it when I’m heavily stressed or having dark thoughts. I find it strangely comforting, especially since I identified with Leo’s character since I first watched the show.

Are there some corny pieces of dialogue? Yes. Do some of the lessons seem completely obvious? Well, yeah. When you’re in a better state of mind perhaps.

The point is, for a children’s show, this episode is a fantastic exploration of processing trauma, relinquishing guilt, recognizing self-sabotaging behavior, and accepting failure. There is a way to admit failure without internally punishing yourself. Persistent guilt and self-punishment do not make you a better person. You can learn to care in a more effective way. While I did not fully understand everything presented in this episode the first time I watched it, the episode stuck out so much that I kept re-watching it, each time processing it further. When you come from a background where you are constantly led to believe failure is not an option, self-punishment is normal, and that you are never good enough, the lessons in this episode can seem mind-blowing.

Leo always cared about his family. But his care manifested in a way that was detrimental. That same care being the fuel for his angry outbursts that ironically hurt his family instead of helping them. The classic overthink, frequent irritability, projection of incompetency onto other people: all signs of someone dealing with trauma.

Anger. Something I don’t think many people like admitting they have a problem with. I remember feeling ashamed for my anger. Ashamed of losing control. The aftermath of that anger only fuels that shame and guilt. You can see all the guilt and regret pour out when Leo lands a blow on Splinter. It was a rude wakeup call. It forced Leo to confront something he was deeply ashamed of, a.k.a. what he had become. He was ashamed of being mentally and emotionally unwell. And so Splinter had to confront the issue swiftly but calmly (something I commend). Clear communication and guidance was necessary for Leo. I can see why some people think Splinter’s reaction was quite cold and brisk. But from personal experience, beating around the bush gets you nowhere and can just get frustrating. Leo needed someone to be honest and calm with him and to give him a clear, defined direction to figure himself out. Straightforwardness without being condescending and panicky. The last thing an emotionally unwell person needs is for others around them to be freaking out.

I won’t give each lesson a full-blown analysis because they can be summed up nicely by the show’s script:

1. A warrior who attacks in anger never wins.

2. Some roads are shorter than others (it’s okay to take a shortcut)

3. A warrior who never fails, never learns.

4. If there was nothing more you could have done, why do you punish yourself so?

5. You are your worst enemy.

I have to give a round of applause for Michael Sinterniklaas’ performance in this episode. Leo sounds desperate, screechy, and VERY emotional, as he should be in his situation. The lines where he fights the golem: “I-I’m sorry. I’m I-. I did the best I could! I DID THE BEST I COULD! There WASN’T ANYMORE I could have DONE!” That sticks with me and I get chills every time he says it.

Edit: https://tmntsoundthingies.tumblr.com/post/59499731139/i-just-play-some-videos-of-2k3-randomly-and-this

The lovely @tmntsoundthingies actually has a clip of this!

One more thing. And this is on a darker note. Now that I am in a better place mentally, I can wholeheartedly laugh when the Ancient One says “You stupid! You alive right?” to Leo after he surrenders a fight to the demon ghosts. This hits me very hard as someone who did not use to value my life before. I really would neglect my wellbeing, my life, over something so small in the grand scheme of things. Leo, being in the self-destructive mindset, was willing to die over a fight that was not worth fighting in the first place. Self-preservation is a concept I had to actively relearn after many years of believing you have to give your all to everything. The ideas that you have to work until you drop, sleep is for the weak, and failure is not an option are toxic mindsets. Before you know it, you are neglecting to take care of yourself. And then, if you spiral down further, you actively go about harming yourself or even ending it all. The Ancient One talking about self-preservation (and in turn, self-care) so nonchalantly like that is a reality check. I deserve to live. I deserve to feel better. I deserve to be a better person. I deserve to be happy. All of these thoughts are NATURAL and you are allowed to act on them. You can give yourself permission to act on these natural thoughts. As someone who used to be suicidal, having this revelation brings me great relief and joy.

This post is most certainly WAY too long by this point. I honestly could write about this forever, but I think I’ve made my point. I honestly made my point a long time ago. I just like externalizing stuff because I think too much...and analytical, personal insight is fun. Looking inward (practicing introspection) is something I already intuitively do. This episode and many other things in my life just helped me do it more productively. I really can be my worst enemy.

There is value in messages, regardless of what form they take. This just so happened to be an episode in a kid’s cartoon. Thank you Steve Murphy for writing this episode and thank you to all the others involved in making this episode, and this show in general, a reality. TMNT 2003 is truly a comfort show for me in many ways. This was just one of them.

#tmnt 2003 #tmnt 2k3 #leonardo #master splinter #ancient one #teenage mutant ninja turtles #this episode just has a place in my heart is all #leo's my fav turtle in case that wasn't obvious

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south-park-meta · 3 years

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why do you think cartman is abusing stan? they get along ok

I think Cartman's abusive towards everyone with Kyle and Butters getting the worst of it. But I have come around more to the way Cartman's abusive to Stan than when I made my initial analysis of their relationship. I said there that Cartman attacked things that mostly Stan's not bothered by, and some of that's true. Like, attacking him for caring about animals isn't something that affects him very often.

But with that said, there IS a core of attacking Stan for (lacking) masculinity and that actually does seem to be something he's anxious about...just not to Cartman directly. Cartman regularly calls him a pussy, gay, weak, seeming like a girl. The Cissy is probably the best example of the name-calling because it encompasses basically all of it

Do you know your girlfriend's going around tellin' everyone that you're gay?! [Stan looks around] Oh yeah! She's got the whole school believin' that she's attracted to girls, but she's dating you! So what does that make you, Stan?! A girl! STAN-AN'S A GIR-RL! You'd better curb your dog, Stan! You'd better curb your dog before people start ripping on you!

He tells Stan he's too weak to control his girlfriend, that he's gay, and that he's a girl all at once. Stan actually has a reaction (looking around, looking nervous, and he does end up talking to his dad and Principal Victoria. Cartman GOT a reaction, just not one he wanted).

The thing is, Stan's masculinity IS the thing he's most defensive of, and is his 'weak point' in relation to Kyle being Jewish, Kenny being poor, Butters being naive. He gets nervous about seeming gay and has to overcome it. He does get ripped on/ name-called/dismissed for not being manly enough or seeming gay by both his uncle, who he looks up to, and his dad, who he does (for most of the show) have a mutually loving relationship with. MOST of the 'Stan has a moment of character growth in the way of accepting who he is' comes down to him being okay with shirking stereotypical masculinity. Cartman is a master at honing in on weaknesses and he ABSOLUTELY has Stan's down.

So, then, why doesn't Cartman really tear the shit out of him more?

The thing is that Stan doesn't rise to the bait in angry outbursts. Kyle does. Kenny does, sometimes, too. Butters is specifically dismissed as a Kyle punching bag replacement because he doesn't. But Cartman also can't just casually abuse him constantly the way he does Butters, or put Stan's dick in his mouth while he sleeps, or give him a poop moustache, because Stan would up and leave the friendship, or actually physically beat him up. It has to be a verbal or emotional, non-physical attack. Stan doesn't get ripped on by Cartman more because he doesn't tend to take the bait in a way that would be fun and would let Cartman continue to feed off of it and really tear him to pieces.

So why doesn't Stan take the bait? Is he not upset by it?

The thing is he DOES get upset about this kind of thing. He just tends not to confront it directly. Instead he tends to want to compensate for the accusations. He tries to force Sparky to be straight. He doesn't play along at the wild west show because Wendy's there. He shoots and kills Skuzzlebutt. He becomes hypercritical of Gary and chews him out for Mormonism. And in each and every one of these cases, the best choice is consistently for him not to worry about seeming like anything except what he is. I think The Cissy is a step forward for him in, instead of outright denying who he is, he just sits down and questions it instead. Personally I think there hasn't been another comment on it since he came to the conclusion he is a boy (I know there're nb headcanons for him and I won't pick at it too much because I don't think it runs contrary to his character per se, I just don't agree with it. I see it as more of another masculinity introspection than really specifically a gender one), but I think it's a step forward for his character growth. He has multiple times gone through an arc of 'hide who you are, then realize who you are is really an asset', and sometimes that gets to a point of 'fuck what people think' but often it just kind of is what it is and he doesn't really do anything with it. He still cares about not being manly enough, and often the lesson of it is 'yeah you ARE kind of a pussy but it's fine, people will like you anyway, or being a pussy is beneficial to helping people'. While the recent seasons have made Stan more depressed and miserable, he's also FINALLY starting to get to a point of-- instead of worrying what makes other people like him, what makes him an asset to other people-- 'What makes me like myself? What makes me who I am?'

ANYWAY with all that said, the reason Cartman doesn't get much out of moments like this is that Stan often doesn't have a reaction, period. Sometimes it's because he probably literally doesn't care. He doesn't always value Cartman's opinion, and he does seem able to let a lot of comments go as just being bullshit. The other thing is that if it actually gets to the point of GETTING a reaction, it's not one that would be fun for Cartman. Literally the only thing that's ever come out of Stan reacting to the insecurity that Cartman harps on (whether because of Cartman or not) is that he either suppresses or questions it, and decides he likes himself more as he was to start with. Like he very consistently has improved himself through being criticized on this very point.

So does he have a point that Cartman can hurt him on?

Absolutely, and that point is Kyle.

Stan consistently has stronger, more hurt, more violent reactions to Cartman when it's Kyle that Cartman's going after. When Cartman makes a comment that Kyle's going to die, Stan tells him not to say things like that (even though people regularly die or talk about death around them). When Cartman's treating Kyle unfairly and Kyle can't do anything about it himself, Stan rights it. Even when Stan and Kyle aren't getting along, multiple seasons after Stan told Kyle that he was destroying the last thread of friendship they had left by siding with Cartman in the GOT arc, he still takes tit-for-tat revenge on Cartman in Band in China for Kyle's sake.

The way to get Kyle to respond in a fun way is for Cartman to attack Kyle.

The way to get Stan to respond in a fun way is for Cartman to attack Kyle.

I think it's noteworthy that when Cartman checks out on the 'broship' it's after Stan has checked out on Kyle, and pointedly stayed out of Kyle's fight with Cartman even after Kyle asked him to get involved with it. It's not worth keeping Stan tied in to the group because he's not coming to Kyle's defense, so there's no fun to be had in Stan hanging around. It's ALSO noteworthy that Kyle is equally blindsided by both of them.

But, okay, Cartman is nice to Stan sometimes. He's probably nicer to him than he is pretty much any other character. I think Cartman was playing a balancing act and lost.

He wants Stan and Kyle to be friends, because their friendship is important to get them both riled up. But he wants himself to be the most important to both of them, and that means he HAS to knock them down a peg in each other's opinions. They need to be friends with each other, good enough friends that Stan wants to defend Kyle when Cartman's mean to him and Kyle can't defend himself. It's no fun if Kyle's literally defenseless and Cartman gets jack for a reaction. But they have to be best friends with Cartman, because Cartman has a massive ego. This is a pretty damn hard line to walk.

But here are some nice things that Cartman's done for Stan:

-He came and hung out with him on Tegridy, and had solo activities bonding with him through board games and things like that.

-He helped Stan with the drug ring in Hummels and Heroin

-He saved the pangolin

The first two things are a clear spit in Kyle's face. Kyle is the core group who seems most disconnected from what's going on on Tegridy. Cartman is very clearly trying to take Kyle's place as Stan's go-to. Around(ish, keeping in mind the show's internal timeline) the same time, through the GOT arc, he is focusing his attention on bonding with Kyle.

Likewise, Kyle tells Stan outright he's not going to help with the Hummels problem in the second case. Cartman gets involved because Stan says he 'needs' him. He's willing to help because it puts him in direct competition with Kyle; he's helping Stan when Kyle told him to figure it out himself. He is weasling in on the best friend role.

In the last case, I think it's because he still wanted the 'broship' to work, and like I said I think he did up until Stan gave up on his friendship with Kyle. Stan's having a complete mental breakdown, which would cause issues and not be enjoyable on Cartman's end, so he'll give him a bone and let him maintain his sanity so Cartman can keep having fun pitting Stan and Kyle against each other while being besties with them both. He just flew too close to the sun and lost with it because Stan was teetering on the edge for the friendship since YGO and the next episode pushed him over.

In conclusion, Cartman's actions with Stan are 100% meant to manipulate him and emotionally destroy him. It just happens that Stan takes attacks on himself pretty internally and might even come out stronger for it. So for the most part if everything else is going fine, he's a tough nut to crack. The stuff that really fucks him up and tears him apart mentally is attacking Kyle, or attacking his friendship with Kyle.

#long post

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tuffin-tuffmuffin · 3 years

Text

Iruma Says Fuck

Mairuma Discord Shipping Challenge Day 10

prompt: learning

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A thud, a gasp, and a “FUCK!” roused Ameri from her drowsiness. She rubbed her eyes, wondering if she was dreaming. Did Iruma just fucking swear?

She pushed herself up, sending the facedown textbook on her stomach tumbling to the floor. Her head turned to see her boyfriend hopping on one foot, hands clutching the other. It didn’t take much deduction to guess the character-breaking culprit was the table he stood next to, but she needed to clear the important questions out of the way.

Firstly... “Iruma, are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he called back, lowering his foot gingerly. “Just banged my toe. It mostly just surprised me”

She breathed a sigh of relief, he was okay.

Secondly...

“On that table?”

“Well, yes.”

Ameri furrowed her brow. “Iruma, there’s nothing around it for at least two meters. Can’t you see it?”

“Well, no. It’s dark”

She blinked. “It’s not...” She began, and trailed off. Ameri looked up at her ceiling light, not on full blast of course, because who would do that to themselves after a long and stressful school day? She looked back down, seeing Iruma’s eyes staring vaguely in her direction. She could hardly notice those beautiful baby blue irises of his, that’s how wide his pupils were. Round, diurnal pupils, unlike a demon’s... unlike her own vertically slitted-pupils, which made a little light a lot.

Ameri tssked at herself. Iruma didn’t see that menacing, immobile table because he really couldn’t see that table, and he really deserved better. “I forgot you can’t do the dark as easily,” she said. “Don’t worry, I’ll turn them up next time you’re around.”

He’d fumbled around for a chair at this point, sitting rubbing his poor toe through the sock. “You don’t have to do that just for me, Ameri,” Iruma said back.

“Oh. Would you rather me take your hand and lead you around instead?” She joked. Well, half-joked, half-flirted.

He half-laughed and half-blushed, so her line worked perfectly. Ameri shot him a tender smile, not that he could see it.

Thirdly...

She fully pushed herself up, expression dropping to genuine concern. “Also, did I just hear you curse?”

Iruma stopped, eyes wide at the accusation. He racked his brain. “I think I did, actually.”

And it was her turn to be shocked. “Iruma! No!” She chided.

He huffed. “What!? Am I not allowed to swear?”

“Well you can I suppose. But, you don’t swear!” She huffed right back, her mental image of her cute and perfect little Iruma running headfirst into a cruel reality where Iruma says fuck. “Who taught you that?”

“I don’t remember, but I’ve heard it a lot of times. What, did you think I went my entire life without being exposed to a single swear word?”

To be honest, she kind of did. Fuck, nobody to blame, except her own pedestaling. He was innocent and pure but that doesn’t mean he was obligated to be her idea of pure innocence. In the end it was his mind and his mouth, and she needed to respect that. Besides, what a weird thing to get hung up on, even more so when Ameri noticed she’d been mentally swearing in response. Still...

Ameri hastily added a Fourthly...

“You could say something funny and cute instead...” She mumbled, twirling a hair as she reached for excuses.

“Well,” Iruma quipped, “For a minor injury, it’s scientifically proven swearing actually *can* reduce your feelings of pain by upping your pain threshold and providing a distraction, and works better than random or made-up words. It’s a really good technique for stuff like stubbed toes!”

“What, really? I didn’t know that, but it would explain a lot.”

“Mhmmm. So uh, that’s also kinda why I said it, you know...?” He said, trailing off.

Ameri silently grumbled, logically and emotionally beat. She begrudgingly accepted the fuckery, emphasis on “begrudgingly.” Iruma still couldn’t see or hear her yet seemed to read her thoughts anyways as he said, “I’m not a little kid anymore, Ameri.” He was right. The boy she loved today was a far cry from the cowardly fish-out-of-water she first bumped into, and Ameri thanked her lucky moons every day for being able to help him along the way.

But then she still saw his feet dangling off her chair and couldn’t get over it, so she rolled over the couch and went to reassuringly pat his adorable head. She whispered to him very quietly and lovingly, “No matter what happens... you’ll still be little compared to me.”

“Say that to my fucking face, Ameri.”

She lowered her head right into his trap because he kissed her right on the lips and there went all of her words except for one. Fuck.

#my writing #welcome to demon school iruma kun #mairimashita iruma kun #suzuki iruma #azazel ameri #irumeri #shipping challenge #letirumasayfuck

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snickiebear · 3 years

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yo nadia <3333 i'm bored in my online classes and u reblogged the questions thingy at the right time lmao, so get ready: 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 17, 23, 24, 28, 30!!!, 34, 38, 39, 40 (the intimacy of being understood) (imma stop here lol) (also i'm sorry u're not feeling well, ily and hope u'll feel better soon!! <33333)

ELE ILY. (and thank you, i’m stayin home today cause,,, yeah. i appreciate you sm.) you’re the literal best, i adore you.

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

The first fanfiction i read was for The Lunar Chronicles when I was like 11?? and it was 100% on accident and it scarred me because it was a hardcore porn one with a period kink and i was like WHAT IS THIS??? OH MY GOD???? LMAOOOOO i didn’t pick it back up until i was 13-14 and really got into the Fairy Tail fandom. I still reread my favorites on ff.net cause i love them.

As for writing, I wrote a horrible, terrible x-men fanfiction when I was twelve. (my friend still brings it up and REFUSES to delete it so it still gets comments and views, that shit HAUNTS ME ELE.) then tried again for Fairy Tail, posted like two chapters before taking it down cause i wasn’t really feeling it. And then I posted The Intimacy Of Being Understood and here we are.

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

OMGG okok

@murd3rm1ttens ‘s The Problem How Time Works IF YOU HAVENT READ THIS YOU GUYS NEED TO HOP ON IT ASAP. MITTEN’S WRITING SO SO SO SO GOOD. SAKURA AND INO ARE TOTAL BADASSES. KAKASHI IS A SIMPPPP. ITS SO FUCKING GOOD.

@mouseymightymarvellous ‘s We Were Screaming In Color (Only A Possibility) yes, yes I KNOW. i always point into mousey’s direction but i WILL always advocate that everyone reads her fics, they’re literally so beautiful???? i just happen to be rereading WWSIN rn

@safelycapricious ‘s Shaking Up And Breaking Down series. I found this like?? idfk but i’ve been raving about it ever since. ALSO CHECK OUT THEIR FICS IN GENERAL.

fuck i have more than three but also check out @ambivalens999 ‘s Masks

i do wanna make a fic rec thing where i just rav about my favs,,, might do that later or sum

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

Omniscient third person. I don’t like it. Like I can understand that it can be a little hard to stay in one person’s perspective but, in my opinion, if you can, it shows how disciplined you are as a writer. Plus, i just get so confused when I go from A’s thoughts to suddenly what B is thinking about A.

When writers use ‘ ‘ instead of “ “. When writers put thoughts in ‘ ‘ instead of just italicizing them. It’s small things but like they just bother me sO MUCH. most of the time i can ignore it and try to enjoy but other times i just dip.

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

@espoir-et-reves !!!!! THEIR SHISAKU FICS ARE SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. And they have a warring states one going on THAT I AM SO OBSESSED WITH.

@writer168 idk if they’re really “underrated” but THEY HAVE SUCH GREAT FICS ON AO3. Like theres an AU with sakura, kiba, and shino that i reread constantly because it just. is. so. fucking. GOOD. and they posted a new one that i’m YELLING about.

@eggtoasties okay they only have 2 in the naruto fandom (one shisaku which is still ongoing) BUT THEIR WRITING STYLE IS SO NICE?? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I still go back and reread their shikasaku one cause UGH i can’t get enough. I love it.

10. What’s your favorite fandom, pairing, or character to read fic for?

Fandoms: Naruto, Soul Eater, The Old Guard, ATLA

Parings: KakaSaku/ShikaSaku/ShiSaku/MultiSaku, SoMa, Joe X Nicky, Zukka

Character: SAKURA. I will read anything with Sakura as the main character and her being a fuckin badass or becoming a badass. I love her.

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

aha.. haha.. well. I check my email like three times an hour. its the first thing i check in the mornings too. I’m literally a whore for praise and literally eat up feedback like its going out of style. I also reread a lot of my stuff because i make so many mistakes and spelling errors, or the spacing is weird oR SOMETHING. plus, literally any and all comments make my day, i go back and reread them cause they just make me feel so tingly and warm like “wow. this person enjoyed the fic/my writing enough to tell me. thats HUGE!”

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

Angry, feral, bloodied, morally gray women. They aren’t bad guys, they’re probably the good guy, but that doesn’t mean they cant be fucking raging at the world with raw knuckles and blood on their teeth. I just love an angry woman who struggles with her emotions and just has so much inner conflict but that doesn’t take away from her character or badassery, it adds to it.

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

The fake dating or miscommunication troupe. LIKE GUYS JUST TALK. AND TELL EACH OTHER OMFG. the entire like obliviousness of “nah they dont like me” while the They holds their hand and kisses their cheek. MOFO WHAT. it makes me so impatient and like mad HAAHHAHA. its probably because i’m a pretty confrontational person so seeing stuff like that just “cmon bro, USE YO HEAD.”

28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?

I have yet to receive a negative comment! Which i was really surprised about tbh. As for deadlines or pressure to update, i just kind of do whatever. I do set goals, but i set them flexible enough that hey, if i can’t do it, that’s okay.

I have a lot of mini goals, like “i want to write this chapter and get it done this week” and then the large goal is “FINISH BY END OF MAY” so i have time.

Actually, now that I think on it, the entire pressure to update thing is probably why i’m waiting until I have all of OL&W written to post it weekly,, cause well. I wouldn’t wanna leave you guys waiting as I tried to write and work out the next chapters and stuff, you know?

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

AAAAAA YOU KNOW I LOVE THESE AHAHAHAH

Have you seen the way the dead dance, World Breaker? They roar, half mad and starving. Do you not wish, do you not hope to see them twist and bend and dance to your will?

Shikamaru snarls, looking behind his shoulders to where his Shadows lay. “Patience.” He spits. “Is of the essence, Things of Ancient. Know your place as the dark you are.”

34. How much of yourself and your life experiences do you put into your writing? What do you think your readers’ image of you is?

None of my experiences match up to anything I write tbh,,, probably the only thing that is me in my writing is maybe the emotional turmoil? I’m pretty emotionally and mentally mature because from a pretty young age i started forming my own opinions, started looking into the world around us and being like “dude what the fuck this is not what disney advertised”. Then i started talking (read: arguing and debating) with my dad about a lot of it. So, like emotions are kind of hard for me. Like i’m pretty good at controlling them or understanding them, but still. idk its hard to explain ig.

Like the weight of stress, the anger, the sadness. It’s kind of therapeutic to write. Cause i don’t know how to put those feelings to verbal words so writing them really helps.

As for my readers’ image? Probably like some kind of hunched over figure typing away in the dark with a maniacal grin on their face. I honestly don’t know AHHAHAHA but it is fun to think about. I think they’d see me as someone with potential but a lot of room to grow and someone who is imperfect but in a charming way LMAOOOO

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?

I’m gonna be real honest. Its probably like a 2. I’m a bit of a control freak so I almost always go in chronological order, my writing is pretty linear. Unless, i get bored and jump to one of my fav parts. It's pretty much i sit down, i open the doc, read over my notes and just start writing.

It’s a little boring to explain AHAHAHA but once i get into the groove of things its really fucking great, I can like feel myself in the world, I can feel what i want the characters to, i love it. I catch myself mouthing the words as i type too, which i find hilarious.

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

I rather like how raw my writing is sometimes. Which might sound really vain, but i do like the way i word things or describe things. I love juxtaposition and repetition, or making a good ole circle back to some minute detail that wouldn’t stand out until i repeat it at the end and you’re like “omg” AHAHAHAHA.

Like those little poetic snippets or certain wording i just sit back and go “damn thats kinda good nadia! go you!’ HAHAHA

40. How did you come up with the idea for The Intimacy Of Being Understood?

AAAAA this fic is like my first child, my pride and joy LMAO

so the idea initially came when i was reading some fic, idk if it was even naruto, but i was like “i don't like this, but i do like the rain symbolism.” And I knew i wanted to write something kind of slow paced, something a little sad and angsty, but would show KakaSaku slowly but surely falling in love.

Idk if you’ve noticed but a lot of my fics, the pairings don’t change each other dramatically. They accept each other as they are and then they grow with together. Like that acceptance is something i just love writing, its so subtle, it isn’t something you declare. Its simply “I am going to love you. I am going to love you despite your flaws and faults. I am going to love you unconditionally because I know you, I understand you, and there is nothing you could do to drive me away.”

The fic kind of wrote itself after that first scene. I kept going back to the rain, go being ghosts, and resurrection, and the small epiphanies one gets. I wanted to focus on each character’s growth with each other. They didn’t find light in life because of each other, but with each other. And i think that’s my favorite thing about that fic.

I wanted something raw and real and just something beautiful. I’m actually really proud of it tbh. Would i go back and rewrite/edit it? Oh of course! I’d do that with every single one of my fics, but i’m not gonna cause i think its in its rawest form right now. :))))

ask me shit plz

#silly things from silly friends

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goblinconceivable · 3 years

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oh ffs, i have feels but also head exploded

So basically someone liked a story I wrote a million years ago and mostly forgotten about, and when that happens I often reread the thing. (I can’t be the only one who does that...) Can’t say I’ve thought about Alex/Izzie since I wrote it, couldn’t even tell you when I stopped watching the show, though I think it was before her cancer.

Anyway I infected myself with feels for them again. And I dig the style I was using, 1+1 started a third chapter for funsies and should have stopped there. Because I did some reading and watched some clips and it’s all too much and when that happens I meta.

Usual mishmash, structure desired but no work put into achieving it. Classic brain dump.

Okay, fundamentals first. I am for now ignoring how Izzie/KH left the show. Because they had to exit her somehow and I’m sure Shonda was pissed at her, (or was leaving the door open for her return but I doubt it.) Haven’t seen it, if I needed to I could work it into my conception of their whole arc, but since I’m more critically hung up before that point, not worrying about it.

What’s got me messed up is that RIGHT AFTER Izzie promised to not go crazy, she... went crazy. Like, WTF was that about? I get that GA is all about the soapy drama, that is why I stopped watching. First couple seasons: brilliant. Downhill from there. But two things:

1) We never get to see these two happily together. One hot second and bam.*** Every. Time. Shonda allowed it for Meredith and Derek, but in my brain other couples got it for periods of time at the least. But these two, nope. And know what? THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FASCINATING TO WATCH. I could delve into this and might swing back around but trying to hit highlights.

2) It set them on two different storylines instead of one. And Izzie got the short stick. Yes I can see how it works on paper, but not on screen. There are limits to the visual medium and limits to how much screen time they were given, which pretty much destroy the ability to nuance something this complex.

a) Izzie’s in her own world dealing with a ghost and is basically in two relationships at once (mental note to look for parallels with Alex’s exit and Jo v Izzie.) Except one’s a dream and the other is a reality that is still developing, yet she can’t give attention to. She has to fight every time to be there for Alex in the real world, and we don’t really get to explore her struggle. It often just looks like distraction and distance and him being second right after she firmly laid out that she cares about him.

b) Alex is in a relationship and is super happy and excited and wants the perfection he’s dreamed about to be real so much he’s overlooking everything that’s off. In his own little dream world I guess, but like, the whole thing skews into this being the story of Alex while Izzie is wandering in circles somewhere over in that direction, all serving the purpose of advancing exploration and development of Alex’s character. When did KH ask to be let out? If it was after this point, Shonda svcks. I mean, it is cool to watch him really blossom, but since he’s doing it under his own steam I’m left with a bad taste in my mouth. Because he’s not really in a real relationship. I want to see him get that, I want to see it for real.

***What IS interesting, I’ll admit, is that when they’re not together, they’re beautiful. Which is most of the time, so they gave me that. I’m a massive fan of the bittersweet, the star crossed, the never-quite-on-the-same-page, the nuance, the “it’s a deeper connection, a deeper love than just romance.” Thank gosh, it is time for excited thoughts. Because there is a strong friendship and mutual reliance and helping each other grow, pushing and giving hard truths and encouragement, and yes romance is woven through this but not the genesis and used more in terms of nudging everything along the path.

I love that Alex basically imprints on Izzie. I love that he loves her the whole time. But he’s willing to step back. He may get jealous and resentful and petty and scared and mean. But those are natural human emotions, Izzie gets them too, and they’re fundamental to his character and through those things he learns and grows. Izzie doesn’t make him. She entices him. Yeah, often directs him, especially at first. But at some point he’s growing on his own, in fits and starts, in reaction to his own emotions.

For example, when Izzie tells him she slept with George, he gets pissed, but also admits why pretty readily. And he tells her the truth, remarkably straightforwards. He reaches out to her a lot. And she turns him aside a lot. And he keeps loving. Even if romance is off the table. He runs after her a lot. Sits next to her when she’s upset a lot. Is understanding a lot. He’s different with her, and look I’m a fangirl, it’s a trope, I swallow bait line and hook. Which should be bait hook and line if my vague understanding of fishing is correct. I fished once, with safety implements, and still cried even as they removed the fish and popped it back into the water. (Okay I just reread to sort out where I’d gotten too and it’s hook line and sinker. Statistically someone will probably read this someday, you have my full permission to laugh at me. Anyway...)

The quintessential moment, the revved to 100, of course being when Izzie is clinging to a dead Denny. They’re all standing around. No one even looks surprised with jilted Alex talks to her. In a really caring way. And this is still fairly early on, wasn’t watching anything but their scenes but this had to be rare sight eh? (Mebbe?) And then he picks her up and sits down holding her and she clings and cries and like symbolism and could essay that but not going to right now because the broad relevant stroke is that Alex loves Izzie selflessly. And this is the pinpoint core of why I can buy his ending, because he can’t NOT love Izzie. I don’t think he even wants to stop. Though he can set it down in his heart and let her go and doesn’t pine. But he never stops loving her and it’s so many kinds of love imperfectly yet perfecly forged.

Forged. But also born. Stars uncrossed. I have emotions without words and if I try I’ll never get out of it to move on, so moving on.

(Oh, George telling Alex to talk to Izzie because she won’t talk to him about whatever it was. Isn’t is crazy that Izzie’s emotional squishy bestie goes to the emotionally stunted bad boy to help her because... it’s an understanding of the two-way Izzie/Alex bond, but also this crazy trust that Alex will show up.)

I love that Izzie isn’t blind to his faults, truly doesn’t like his faults, but has eternal faith for who he is and can be. She always saw him as someone with walls, once she stumbled on a lose stone and got a glimpse inside. She knows. She doesn’t always understand, but she knows.

Slight divergence from that line of thought, but its a great moment when they get together and he’s fairly transparently trying to make sure they’re in a committed relationship by dangling other women in front of her, and she’s a little ticked that he seems to be taking it rudely casually. Probably a bit of insecurity, but I’d say more that she has a long history of not reading him from the perspective of him loving her. Ie, 100% not recognizing that telling him about sleeping with George would hurt him. And doesn’t get it until he comes in and he’s dropped the swagger and it’s a “I know I’m doing something wrong and I don’t know how to do it right so help me” thing.

(Random memories of Sloan/Don from The Newsroom when she’s crying on the floor and Don comes in a sits next to her. I wuvs them too.)

I love that she openly leans on him, when he offers support she takes it. She doesn’t ask why, she accepts it and leans into it and is open to it because she trusts him because she knows him. The bits where she hates him tend to fall out of romantic issues, but when that’s removed from the equation they’re in sync. And the thing is, just as caring is fundamental to Alex’s nature, trust is fundamental to Izzie’s. And those two things weave into each other. Kinda like rats and the food button. When Alex reaches out Izzie she honestly accepts it, a “reward.” So he’s comfortable doing it again, and again. And when she does rebuff him he’s seen rewards come out enough that he doesn’t just scatter. And when Izzie trusts him, he rewards her with gentleness and care. She has the rougher time of it overall, because Alex is more screwed up emotionally, and breaks her trust more often than she rebuffs him, but that’s where Alex’s constant love comes in. But I cannot recall enough critical moments to have a cohesive proof, so I could be a little off base.

In my head Alex has always loved Izzie more than Izzie loves him, but I think my memory was unfair. There is a real constancy to Izzie’s affection, though I don’t think she imprinted on Alex as he did on her. She’s a different person, loves differently, has different issues. But my longstanding impression is mostly because of Denny. Who she truly did love, though the qualities of that love deserve exploration which I will not at this time attempt. And Denny loved her. The whole “side loves along the way” being a trope. Though usually “it ended in death/deathlike state” is given to the man and so THANK YOU SHONDA. Thinking of classics like Jane Eyre and Rebecca though I think both were actually crazypants first wives. And I do think female character’s side guys have a habit of dying, but it tends to feel more like a plot point to shut the door on continued love, whereas Denny remains a part of Izzie’s life.

At any rate, despite superficial similarities, Alex doesn’t hit the trope because his crazypants relationship wasn’t ever really about the woman: yep Alex got Rebecca, and Rebecca was crazypants, and it was a plot point to get him to the crying. Rebecca wasn’t love. It was never love. BUT

She DID, in every way, highlight what needed to be highlighted. 1) That he desperately wants a family. 2) that caring for someone, not just about them, is fundamental to him, (and ties neatly into him caring for Izzie all those sitting on the floor conversations.) and c) it’s not entirely healthy. Which is ALSO why thrusting his new happy relationship with Izzie into caregiver role is insensitive and undermines the relationship because it only makes sense if we got to see them both happy in the relationship first. And then we can see the quality of his caregiving change. But we didn’t. So bugger it.

I do LOVE how they let almost the whole next season play out he fallout of all that. Something taken slowly! We got to explore it. Did feel a bit drawn out tbh. But it just emphasizes the weight of it, I guess. Especially as it was a subplot amongst 100 others. This was their development for the season. Which was mostly Alex. But Izzie’s reactions revealed some things about her as well. Majorly dancing around laying it out for a close look and I don’t know why.

Favourite moment? Maybe Izzie putting her hand on Alex’s chest when he’s freaking out and telling him to stop, he doesn’t need to say any more. Because he’s trying to convince her of something, and she understands. And the trying to convince is shredding him, and she knows that. It’s a very loving and accepting “stop.” She’d already taken charge of the situation, for the good of the patient. She’d already taken charge because she knew Alex couldn’t handle it, he was too deep in something to see clearly. And she’s still in charge. She doesn’t break down and cry for him, or try to comfort him, he’s been thrown back into childhood and PTSD might literally be at play and what he needs, and she understands, is someone he can trust, who’s calm and gentle but strong and solid, to say it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. You don’t have to carry this on your own. We have it now. Because when we’re little and in over our heads what we want and what we need is an adult to take the burden. And still the physical contact is comforting, her tone of voice reassuring. She creates a space where he can feel safe and heard.

Ugh, rewatching, and we’re watching him literally devolve. Stages of grief ya’ll. He’s using every tactic to try and get what he thinks he needs: being able to take care of Rebecca. He’s in denial that anything is wrong. He gets angry when Izzie grabs him, to the point of threatening to hit her (though it’s fighting words and not real threat, and Izzie totally knows that.) He dives into bargaining. She’ll be okay if he can take care of her. He can do it. He tries to convince her it’s true.

By the time he gets home it’s depression. Not just Rebecca, but about his mom. And Izzie approaches him differently. In the hospital it was immediate and she was “in charge,” and needed to be in all facets, but at home, with the situation taken care of, she’s a friend. An equal. Which is what he needs right now. His sticking point later is the crying, so I kinda wonder how he’d react just to having told her about taking care of his mom as a kid. Right at the start he told that kid about his dad, (dad beating up his mom and him beating up his dad) while Izzie was within listening distance and didn’t seem fussed. But it’s ultimately a story about him being manly and protecting his mom physically. Which would be why it’s several seasons in before this crops up - waaay more intimate information. Probably all lumped into one, with the crying as shorthand. And mostly that his past is a fact, it’s his emotions he wants to keep private and deny.

He clearly did try to drown his emotions with sex. I’m not sure it would have worked with a random girl because he’s way too close to crying to do much of anything. And obviously doesn’t work with Izzie because sex is apparently emotional intimacy and I guess comfort for men moreso than women, but it plays out as a desperate attempt to get comfort in a safer way. Bargaining again, I suppose. “Have sex and will be fine tomorrow.” But, as noted, he doesn’t get that far because it’s too heavy and he rather quickly is just sobbing.

Which is a lovely parallel to holding Izzie while she cried on him after Denny died. Though Izzie had no qualms and no massive emotional recoil because emotions and vulnerability are normalized for females Izzie is a particularly emotional person. And an inverse of all the times Izzie is an emotional wreck and Alex sits down besides her and offers her support and understanding.

Could also argue that Izzie just saying “I’m sorry... About Rebecca. And your mom” - it’s an emotionally intimate moment. Of understanding. She’s acknowledging the two situations, and isn’t trying to do anything about them, explain or push or anything else. Just make him feel understood and not alone and sex is the way he can respond to that. How to process that in a way that feels manly to him? Also notably Izzie does seem to be going with it, and it’s aborted because he starts sobbing. And is still saying “Please” which is amazing, because he totally was never asking Izzie to just sleep with him. He wants to make it stop - the pain, emotions, probably reliving memories. But also... stages of grief. He needs to feel it, so he can accept it. He really just needs to cry, and grieve, and not be alone.

And it’s like... this is where their love story feels epic because it would look so different if they didn’t have all the levels and layers of love. Take out the romantic/sexual aspect. Take out the friendship. The trust. The family. Take out anything and this can’t play out.

Who didn’t love moments like Alex explaining to Bernedette Peters that men sometimes need to protect their manliness in the eyes of the woman they love. And they’ll do shit things to protect that manliness, but it’s because they care. Which is obviously idiotic and while romantic on screen is very much not so in real life, but this is fiction so hey ho. It’s such a wonderful foil. Because the situation here was not that Alex took his pain elsewhere to protect Izzie’s opinion, but that Alex completely and for a long time shut Izzie out to protect his manliness, which is entirely counterproductive but the only option he could see. He minimizes his experience as a “bad night.” (I mean, if you remove all the adjectives, he’s not wrong.) He’s protecting his own sense of manliness to himself. He doesn’t like feeling that vulnerable. He let Izzie get too close. He’s afraid. It’s all a tangle. And it pays off when they come back together and he’s willing to be more vulnerable, almost, and then enthusiastically, happy to be.

*But it does reference when he slept with Olivia when he failed his boards. So yeah, he’s done it literally too.

Backing up a step to revisit season 5. And actually they start out close. They’re all out in the cold waiting to greet patients and Alex grabs a blanket for her. He’s not irritated that Izzie keeps asking how he’s doing, just obviously in a bit of personal denial. And they’re totally messing around and lighthearted and look at each other with their heads really close and it begs some questions about the interim, though I guess they just haven’t talked about it deeper than “are you okay.” And per the Izzie/Meredith convo I guess they didn’t continue having sex (probably didn’t have sex that night either). Though the way Izzie looks at him as he leaves, she’s totally concerned that he’s not dealing with it.

Ah yes, forgot - so they just kept his breakdown unremarked upon, the superficial checking in is situational because Rebecca is a fact. They don’t talk about it, it’s fine. Pretending it did not happen. But it’s as soon as Alex thinks Izzie told Meredith about it that it goes pear shaped. It’s funny that his issue is the crying and he’s the one that told Meredith, but thematically Izzie saying “he’s opening up to me” is sorta the same. Also awww that even as she labels them friends, there’s this little glow inside her that they got closer. Emotional intimacy, what’s life without it eh?

So also 100% it’s high on Alex’s mind. That he did it, and so too that Izzie could betray him and tell others. Their relationship is so beautifully fragile in that short interim. It’s this little bubble where he’s okay that he was vulnerable with Izzie because she accepted it and isn’t making a big deal about it. And he does feel super close to her. But he can’t take anyone else seeing him in a non-manly light. For himself, and it works in terms of Izzie too if it’s an inside/outside situation. I’m a bit stuck and going in circles. If Izzie tells, then Izzie isn’t taking it seriously? Doesn’t understand him? I don’t think he’s even angry at her, if he looks weak to others then she’ll come to see him as weak? Halp, stuck.

Also so, I’ve seen it remarked upon that Izzie tends to forgive Alex when she maybe shouldn’t. But part of forgiveness can come from understanding the other person. Doesn’t have to be, especially for little stuff. But for big stuff?

Oh, and so weird but kinda cool that right after that rather self-aware conversation with Peters, he specifically lets Izzy see him with another woman. Were those scenes meant to be inverted? Or is he going into this eyes wide open? Trying to prove something? He’s hurting her though, is it intentional? Because cheating, by nature, is secretive, your person doesn’t know so you’re not hurting them directly, though of course when they find out it blows up. But the intention to wound is not there, it’s an escape. Proving that he’s really fine and back to his old self? They are not sleeping together so this isn’t cheating.

And even after that Izzy just shrugged it off. Popped in to tell him they maybe are getting kicked out, tries to get an apartment with him. She’s holding on to their closeness and friendship, despite him being prickly. And then... he smacks her or whatever they were doing which is back to flirty, and not meaningful but notably guides her out of the elevator before him. Though her barb about STD did hit him. Maybe he was trying to figure out how to stop being rude at her, and her continued friendliness was bufffer space until he could? He does say hello at the end, but who was she talking to about having no one?

It does bring up an interesting insight. It is true bout not something I thought about, that Izzie could be lonely, and actually does get as much out of their relationship as Alex ever did. They are incredibly close. And I think George might be married at this point, and thus no longer her “person”?

And then into the cryptic speak about them, while the father/son organ musical chair thing was happening. He’s looking over his shoulder at her, glances up, unspoken words yadda yadda. Follows her out into the hall when she leaves. The freeze out is shorter than I remember, but look, they kinda always keep communicating because freeze outs do not feel right. And I’ve moved to a blow by blow but Alex is trying to talk profession, and Izzie doublespeaks the “emotionally stunted” and he physically recoils and stutters like “yeah but no, that’s not what we’re talking about” and yet is now there and talking about them too. “Okay, ... I”m trying to be- I am, but this” WHAT is he trying to be/is??? Trying to not be emotionally stunted. Is emotionally stunted (or doubling down on trying?)

This is just such a beautiful conversation. Because Izzie IS emotional and caring but she has a mean backhand. Pettiness, ultimatum, she can smack back as hard as anyone smacks her. And she’s coming from a totally reasonable place, because he’s going hot and cold on her. And you can see that it affects him, and that falls out from that same pattern where he’s trying to tell her somehing and she’s not putting in a ton of effort to figure out what he’s saying, but is focused on her own needs and thoughts. ‘Cuz she’s hearing something like “give it up, you’re not going to get what you want out of me.” And he’s trying to say “I’m afraid I can’t be what you need, because I svck, please don’t make me try and fail.”

And they’re convo through parallels continues, Izzie calls Alex broken and is like “okay I do it your way my caring for you is pointless and it’s all fine.” Dad calls for son while kinda dying. I know they claimed different thought process but didn’t Alex call for Izzie when he was shot? And the payout from the series of exchanges: Alex is yelling at his standin to just step up and show he cares. With a hefty does of potential regret. It’s a 180, hoping that the kid does love his day, as well as getting emotionally invested. His relationship with his father isn’t mentioned, not sure if it’s meant to play into this, because he has previously acknowledged that he regrets losing his father completely.

(But then 10 seconds later she’s going to go crazy and by avoiding treatment it’s kinda like trying to kill herself and just... poor taste writers, poor taste.)

Cue a moment where Izzie knows what he’s trying to say and rewards it.

Enter Izzie being a little obtuse, I know I covered this but ending my personal cannon with them getting together - Alex literally says “are we going steady.” He’s literally saying “you tell me yes or no, and I will do that.” Of course he’s trying to say “I don’t know if you’re serious and I want to be please clarify and reassure” but one of those literal ones should have been enough. But then Izzie does always push him, not always intentionally, to be a little more direct, a little more vulnerable, trust her a little more. And the result is sooooo adorable!

And brings to mind when Izzie was trying to ask him out for the first time. And it went a tiny bit screwy and Alex flips it and asks her out.

There’s just so much awesome. *sobs* And there’s probably awesome in the cancer storyline too but I do not feel I can trust it and also it’s going to run full into Izzie being lame and leaving and all character development out the window? And I DO NOT want to see her trying to come back and Alex saying No. Because what will I see in the middle that gets them there? They always say yes. Eventually. And season 16 when JC is leaving the show is a bit on the long side, even if I ignore the details of the intervening years.

Throwing everything at the wall and maybe I’ll be done with dumping or can at least refine things. It’s the little speech I’ve only read and don’t want to hear bcause not sure how he did his line-read, but when he describes how he imagines Izzie’s life. In how much detail, how much he wants for her, what he knows she’s capable of building. He’s saying it to Jo and I’m uncomfortable with the idea he loves her, even if the letter to her does leak a “love you, in love with Izzie,” and I’m fine with Izzie loving Denny and don’t find it a problem Jo is still alive because I don’t see Alex going back but the thing where if he looks her in the eye he won’t return to Izzie and the kids is upsetting. And it’s just the kids and insta-family which is enticing. I mean, he’s not going to tell wife he’s leaving that he’s always loved his ex in a different way or anything. But he’s also not lying. He does mention to Meredith that he can’t go back to Seattle. He’d stay with Jo then out of... ? Halp. The best I got is he’s currently in a dream and if he goes back to his life, where he was happy, then he’ll lose the dream and it will disappear on him?

Slightly nicer is the elsewhere expressed (Meredith) idea that he’d set Izzie as unreachable. Thus, in line with what he told Jo, he didn’t want to contact her because he didn’t want to make it worse for himself, and his happiness comparison was completely excluding himself from the possibility of being part of Izzie’s life. It’s all happiness of them individually, not together. But yes, he always wanted to reach out, wanted to hear her voice and he never had an excuse? No excuse but curiousity, and that wasn’t enough to take a chance, but this was an excuse and he took it.

And the idea that he knows the right thing is to stay in Seattle, and being with Izzie and the kids is crazy, but it’s what makes him happiest, where he belongs. Meredith’s letter read first, so in that light, he’s overexplaining to Jo. Also exposition. References that conversation about his mental picture of Izzie, which I think was in the context of Jo questioning his feelings for Izzie. It scared him because... ? He focuses on the kids. It’s a little at odds with doing this for him, and a little suddenly ignoring the fact that he’s In Love with Izzie and I guess his mental image for Izzie was also his dream life and he gave it to her. Though where he thought her kids came from is possibly an oversight. Adoption?

Because it makes it sound like he’s torn between new and old love but the old love has is kids and wins. It’s a free pass to perfection. But he imagined a “whole life” for her, which is a massive investment opf time and emotional energy on someone he hasn’t seen in forever. I mean thinking well for an ex is al well and good but this sounds a bit beyond that, where she’s not a part of his life but a part of HIS life, believing she’s okay makes everything okay.

I am also willing to take up arms and claim that “I can’t look you in the eye because I wouldt be able to walk away...” doesn’t mean walk away from Jo, but walk away from Izzie. But that’s kinda tenuous. It just... it sounds like if he sees Jo he won’t be able to leave her, which puts her above Izzie (and even the kids, though he can still be in their lives) and that contradicts other statements, or at least their implications .

Though fair point that there’s a metric of who you’ll give up everything for. Izzie would for Denny. In a sense, I hear Meredith got her back in the Seattle hospital and she declined out of respect for Alex’s feelings. So in a way she gave up her life for Alex. And never reached out to him but did respond when he did. She picked up the phone. Maybe not knowing who it was, or they all kept their own phones. And Alex gave it all up for Izzie+kids. I want to know he’d give it all up for Izzie alone, and the life they could have had.

Or is it that he wouldn’t be able to leave Jo because, as noted to Meredith, it’s the right thing to stay in Seattle. And he’s become a man who does the right thing. And sometimes the right thing isn’t what we truly want, and to get that we have to be selfish. He one perfect thing is in Kansas. And it’s the family. It’s a family with Izzie. And his kids. It’s the whole package. If it wasn’t Izzie, the kids wouldn’t be enough? Also indicates that even with Jo was not exactly where he should be.

I’m also going with “some clues in various directions to satisfy various viewers but really offending most of them because this is all 10 years ago and people are newer viewers or forgot or hated Izzie when she left etc.” But preponderance of evidence leans in favour of this choosing what makes him happiest over what makes him happy.

ETA: he has a life for Izzie in his head because if she’s not happy, he can’t leave her where she is. He sees her as an optimist, the opposite of him and good things happen when you lean in that direction. He imagines her somewhere woody because that’s where they lived when they were married.

ETA2: Izzie didn’t notice Alex wanted to be exclusive. Because Izzie sees the good in him, but she doesn’t try to justify or explain things. She takes him at face value (mostly, she knows superficial crabbiness is just an unpleasant personality trait.) Until/unless she has very good evidence to he contrary. And THAT is why he has to take an active role and go to her. He does have to work for the relationship.

(Briefly skipped to a scene in season 6 (avoiding that season) and he actually says “I can’t be your nurse” which is so much character growth. Because I was afraid he’d gone full out into caregiver mode, which is not healthy for either of them. He’s protecting himself, but also pushing her to face up.)

CODAS

Watched Alex calling for/hallucinating Izzie when shot. Maybe it’s a Miranda thing? After freaking out right after she died, about how he can’t live without her, his breakup speech was essentially about how he realized he could survive without her. He doesn’t need her like that. And he was really hurt by the really shitty thing she did, leaving him. Thus valid conclusion that they should part ways and he’s not caught in the love/hate. But at some point after that, per hallucination conversation, he really wants her to... come back for him. To love him enough to not be able to stay away and come back for him it’s funny because the best way for her to love him was the respect his wishes and not come back. I mean she doesn’t even say anything after he asks that.

Interesting point “we married...” It’s a promise. He starts with “I’m sorry.” His breakup speech to her - rehearsed? He’s speaking from love and hate all blended and I think he’s a lot more honest and self aware, and he’s almost always been honest with Izzie. So his dying speech was also fear based? He’s scared, he’s in shock, like, physical shock. To when is his mind taking him? It’s natural to have regrets after a painful but necessary breakup. It’s been months but that’s still recent enough. So on the whole, inconclusive except yeah, he isn’t over her, but he admits during their breakup that he loves her “so much.”

Also love his “frozen together in time... and now we’re not.” They’ve both grown and changed, and so has their relationship, but there connection hasn’t. That hasn’t changed.

So back to his Izzie speech, which is meaningful intentionally as in 300th episode, where years later he was wondering still about her, enough to create a good life for her. A happy, rich and full life. He imagines it clearly and deeply enough to add smell to it. Smell is heavily linked to memory and emotion.

As happy as he is with Jo. Maybe it’s contentment? Something missing for each of them but not something he consciously knows? Meh. Back to frozen. He has an image, a full rich image of her and her life. It’s immersive but static, a snapshot. And the him who looks at that snapshot is the same him over time.

Letter to Meredith. “It’s about me.” Which is sorta back to breakup speech. It was about him, ending the relationship. He didn’t deserve to be left. And this is about him, not leaving Izzie+kids. There’s movement and beauty in this.

Meredith/Alex talking true love. So I’m torn. Jo refused his proposal, and the question is if you only get one true love. Did he think Jo was a true love, and if she refuses him it’s not? Or is he hoping that true love happens after they’re married? Given the constancy of his love for Izzie, from fairly early on, even if he didn’t call it that at the time I’m pretty sure it’s indisputedly much earlier than marriage, and she turned him down all the time, which would forestall true love worse, right? Can’t say as I’m not watching any Jo/Alex, cannot will not no need don’t gotta.

#alex x izzie #grey's anatomy #brain dump #meta #why couldn't i just leave well enough alone #and mess around with a vignette for funsies and a writing exercise #and not actually look at canon #because now i have feels #and am confused #and there are barriers to my feels #but it's okay i will live in my own little AU #and remember and know more than i did #given it was many many many years ago #i mean over 13 #right after season 4 started #izzex

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nichehouse · 3 years

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Ariel didn’t change for Eric and Ursula is not bad.

I hate that everyone fixates on the fact that Ariel changed herself to be with Eric in the the Little Mermaid.

Okay. She did, but did people even really do a character analysis of Ariel? She’s 16! The choices she made in life were bound to be questionable, but why do we shame her for doing so?

I grew up with Disney classics. Snow White, Cinderella, Mulan, you name it I probably have watched it. Growing up, my favorite Disney Princess was obviously Mulan because she wasn’t like other girls (insert internalized misogyny of 2nd grade elementary me).

Mulan was someone I looked up to growing up. Probably because she didn’t like girly things and she fought with a sword. | Image from Mental Floss

I was taught that being too feminine wasn’t nice. I hated Snow White because she lived with 7 men and that was considered a whore (sorry this was how bad I was when I was a child!). Cinderella was someone I loathed because she allowed herself to be stepped on by her stepfamily. While Mulan, She was removing her makeup. She joined a men’s army and dealt the final blow on the bad guy!

I wanted to be just like her.

When I think about my childhood, I remember the character I hated the most. Hated more than Snow White or Cinderella- it was Ariel. I hated Ariel with a passion in my childhood because she was bratty. She had everything she ever wanted, but she gave that all up to be with a man.

I hated Ariel because she was throwing everything away to be with someone that didn’t even know she existed! | GIF from GIFER

There was no love to be found for me for Ariel and I remember even liking Vanessa more. It was the internalized misogyny I had that prevented me from being critical (plus I think because I was 8 lol).

Now that I’m a little older, I’d like to think I’m also a little wiser. While my musings do tend to go in directions I never originally think of, this one is close to my heart. I think I understand where Ariel is coming from… even more alarming, I understand where Ursula is coming from.

Ursula

Ursula was the titular bad guy in the Little Mermaid - a plus-size octopus woman that was banished for being too greedy | GIF from GIPHY

What can I say about Ursula. In the original draft of the Little Mermaid movie, Ursula was King Triton’s sibling. When their father died, they were both given a magical item- Triton with the Triton and Ursula with the magical nautilus shell. Because of Ursula’s greed she was banished from the kingdom by her brother. She has been bent on revenge ever since.

Now I know Ursula’s actions cannot be justified, but I get her? I get that feeling of wanting to be strong or to be dominating only to be banished by a man because I was too greedy according to them? Because the back story was never clear nor do we know the motivation for Ursula’s want for power, we cannot really make conclusions whether her response was good or not. What we can conclude though is the fact that she hurt people along the way regardless of motivation.

I related to Ursula so much because I can relate to the feeling of being cast out for wanting power. Will I take revenge on the people that wronged me by trying to kill their children? Probably not. What I think is more relatable is the fact that because I was a woman trying to grab power, I am seen as greedy or power hungry while Triton was seen as good for banishing the greedy, fat woman.

I now have to work harder than ever since I’ve been kicked out of the only place I ever knew. Why were bad guys always fat-shamed anyway?

Ariel

I will say it then and I will say it again: Ariel did not change for Eric. It’s our internalized misogyny speaking!

From the very beginning of the movie, Ariel was shown to be miserable. She hated that her father was strict. She hated that she couldn’t be who she really wanted to be- and that’s to be a human. She wanted to leave because she felt different and that she was not understood.

Adding to that, a father with an undiagnosed form of trauma from the death of his wife. A father that is emotionally unavailable and siblings that thought you were weird. How would that make you feel?

I guess if I were to really critique Ariel, what I hate about her is her privilege. She had everything money could buy in her place, but she wanted adventure. It is still hard to swallow because I don’t understand the feeling of privilege, but we all have different definitions of hardships in life and we cannot invalidate what she’s going through just because we don’t understand it.

She didn’t change for Eric, Eric was the catalyst that made her want to change. It’s literally in her want song. “What would I give if I could live out of these waters? Betcha on land they’d understand bet they don’t reprimand their daughters. Bright young women, sick of swimming ready to stand” She was fascinated by humans and had the prince statue as a representation of the entire human populace- remember she’s never seen a human up close.

This statue was her only idea of what humans were like. | Image from Sweety High

She had an active imagination. AND SHE WAS 16! She was an impressionable young lady that knew nothing about the world! What she did know was that she didn’t feel like herself underwater. She wasn’t free. She could have had the entire ocean, but she wasn’t allowed to leave. She felt trapped and she felt like the human world was the place where she could go without her father being able to follow her.

Funny she drank a potion to change her biological self. This is why I stand by the thought that she didn’t change for Eric. Eric was the catalyst and she did this for herself.

At the end of the movie, she stays in the human world and is eventually accepted by her father that this was her choice. As someone that came out just recently, being accepted by my family in my choice to change was the most beautiful thing for me.

#Ariel #Little Mermaid #Ursula #Disney Classics #Movie Critique

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hellstenglow · 4 years

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Fiveya Meta: they need to talk

Endure me, I am on a fiveya-train and my thoughts don’t shut up.

After watching the most recent behind the scene videos of TUA season 2 we can conclude that they did make senseless choices in the plot because in some cases they had to. For example in the case of the snow storm created by Harlan in the final episode, that was added to the script because suddenly there have been a snow storm on the outside set the days before the scheduled filming and they couldn’t clean the place enough, in time for the recording. The snow was added.

I also think they could have written some of the characters better and given them real development (*cough* Luther, Ben *cough*). I wasn’t even a fan of the whole “Vanya lost her memory” thing, but I’ve read that Steve Blackman (the showrunner) doesn’t want to diverge from the original content too much (which is a bit silly to say since they did make major changes since season 1, but okay). I guess that’s why Vanya’s amnesia was still there, although they treated it differently. In the comics it was Mom-Grace who helped Vanya to find herself again and her own value, in the show it was Sissy who did it. I thought it was kind of a hint to the comics the fact Sissy resembled Show-Grace a bit (blond, kind and a mom). Did I think it was unnecessary to have a love interest for Vanya right after season 1? I did, but I justified the choice by thinking that the show wanted to give Vanya a taste of what real love (not like Leonard’s manipulative and abusive love) is supposed to be. I also thought it was a way to show how Vanya needs to stop clinging to the first person who gives her affection, attention and treats her with kindness. I hope she’d realize that and work on herself and family in season 3, first and foremost.

Even with the evident flaws I enjoyed season 2, especially because I decided to treat it as a passing by (detour/digression) chapter in a longer story. All Hargreeves siblings in the ‘60s tried hard to make a new life and ignored their actual life (Allison, Luther, Klaus) or had a convenient amnesia (Vanya) or focused on something too much to lose track of what matters (Diego). Everyone except Ben (who was not treated once again as a full character despite the apparent level up the PR promoted) and Five (who once again was running around in panic mode to stop an apocalypse). Remember Vanya saying, “New timeline, new me.” And Five replying “That’s NOT how it works.”? I may give the writers more credits than it is due, but I hope those two lines were some kind of meta messages for the more attentive viewers. Those two lines can explain perfectly season 2 to be honest.

Nobody can know how long a tv show would run, a fact that expose us to uncertainty. It’s always a gamble trusting writers and showrunners to deliver a good story, but all it’s fair game and one has only to accept it. I do not trust any of them, but I cannot help myself and still hope that they will not ruin everything. With all this said, let’s talk about something I think the show has to tackle in next seasons: Five and Vanya are two points of a theme that needs to be addressed and solved. They need to interact, talk and close their open theme together.

This is not a cohesive meta and I probably will lose myself in too many details, but I hope the message I am trying to convey will arrive. This is only my reading of the show and theories, so you can disagree. I just hope you’d find something interesting and maybe help someone to have a different perspective on what’s going on and where (I pray) the show will go. Here the points I will talk about, if you are in for a very verbose essay, please click on the “keep reading” button. Meanwhile I’ll wear my tinfoil crown and sip some margarita.

Five and Vanya are a theme

It was mean to be Ben

Why the Fiveya’s tension in S2 EP 7’s iconic scene is a symptom of something

I dare to hope in fiveya (at least until proven wrong)

1. We have a theme: Five wants to stop the apocalypse and Vanya is the apocalypse

It’s a twisted joke of the universe that the very thing Five is obsessed about in season 1 (the apocalypse) was caused by the person he trusted the most (“I’ve decided you’re the only one I can trust” - Five in S1EP1). The red thread that linked Five and Vanya can’t be more evident, that’s one of the reasons why I started shipping them. The family’s dynamic, the siblings’ relationships and bonds are equally important, they add layers and motivations to the story, but if we strip everything else and look at the core, we all know Five and Vanya are at the centre of it.

It’s not a simple coincidence that Five said “I’m the four horsemen”. At first, it’s just a funny line, because Five is drunk and he described himself as those fearsome figures (because he is the best assassin of the whole world and time. Death incarnated in his humble opinion). You don’t take him seriously when he said that line, you don’t pay attention to it.

However, later it gains a certain degree of truth. Subtly the show tells you that indeed Five is linked deeply to the “apocalypse” (Vanya), as much as the four horsemen (they are the prelude and the bringers of the end) are linked to the apocalypse (in the biblical sense). He lived it. He was trapped there for 45 years. He is obsessed with it. The Apocalypse is his business.

Timid little Vanya is the first person he looked for in the middle of the doomsday’s ruins and arguably his closest friend. On the first day of his return Five only have meaningful talks with Vanya. Five sought her to confide the horror of his memories and share the burden of the truth. He trusted her above everyone else. Then the universe made a laughingstock of him when it was revealed that Vanya caused the Apocalypse. Five didn’t know he was running towards her, despite wanting to go back to his family (her) all his life.

In the first two episodes of season 1 they made clear that Vanya and Five had an intimate bond in their childhood and still cared for each other after so many years, then the show proceeded to separate them until the finale. They tried so hard to keep them far away from each other during season 1 and we all know everything would have been different if they had time to properly talk, process their situation and find a solution together. Of course, the show didn’t give them that chance, otherwise the show would have ended in episode 3 and goodbye drama!

They did not confront each other in the end of season 1, they let Allison take that role because the show built up their connection as sisters and I didn’t dislike the choice. Did it work thematically? No, Allison has no connection with the apocalypse. That’s Five’s business. He didn’t confront Vanya, he let others take the lead in the most crucial moment and with no surprise the apocalypse still happened.

The other apocalypse in season 2 was still connected to Vanya and again Five ignored the cosmic signals and focused on dead ends. Despite knowing perfectly that the butterfly effect can come from any source, he didn’t even think about Vanya’s being the cause of the apocalypse again. Five should have listened Klaus when he suggested that Vanya might have been the cause. Funny how Klaus told him in S1 that he has an addiction and Five aggressively denied it. Funny how saving his family and stopping the apocalypse are always his top priorities, but Five still deny himself (for a reason or another) the time to confront Vanya (the apocalypse).

We have a theme waiting to be resolved: Five wants to stop the apocalypse and Vanya is the cause of the apocalypse. If Five does not confront Vanya the theme will never have a closure. It’s still open right now. It is still there, waiting to be picked up again. There is no resolution.

2. Vanya and Ben’s goodbye

The scene between Vanya and Ben was one of my favourites from season 2 and after pondering for a while I concluded that it couldn’t have been anyone else but Ben the one who helped Vanya in that moment. My theory is that the show will walk backwards the breaking points of Vanya’s life: Ben’s death, Five’s leaving and Reginald’s abuse.

Vanya is not fixed. How could she when she was barely Vanya in this season? “New timeline, new me” she said, but that was just a convenient escapism mechanism. Years and years of mentally and emotionally abuse don’t disappear in one week. The Hargreeves have still a lot to process and resolve, individually and as family. That’s why I hope the show will progress the story in the right direction and actually work on them in season 3. Especially Vanya, who needs to confront her trauma. That’s why the scene with Ben in episode 9 was necessary.

From Vanya’s book:

[…] Our everyday existence was full of evidence that Dad had [...]-pped into treating us like experiments. Not as children, but like animals. And what happened to Ben was the last straw that finally shattered the illusion for the others …

Ben died long time ago and his death was the last straw that shattered the illusion (for the others) that their father cared about them (even in his own messed up way). Everything changed from that moment and each sibling drifted away from one another after that. Ben’s death was the moment Vanya and the rest of her siblings stopped being a family. The definitive step of Vanya’s alienation from her siblings.

There was no place in the group for her. With Five’s absence and Ben gone (he is a caring brother, with Klaus is like that and I can imagine him being kind to Vanya in their childhood too. Although, Ben is not Five and we have seen him being harsh to her in the flashbacks in S1EP10), Vanya was truly lost.

The tearful and important moment between Ben and Vanya was a reverse moment in my opinion. Vanya needed that from Ben, his death heavily influenced the course of her life (everyone’s life) and it was only fitting that Ben should have been the one helping her to start again. It’s symbolic in a sense, but also very factual.

“Sorry that I left without saying goodbye” – Five, S1 EP2

“At least this time I can say goodbye.” – Ben, S2 EP9

I’m using my fiveya-goggles, but we all thought that what Five said in S1EP2 (when Vanya tried to find him at Hargreeves’ mansion) wasn’t just about him leaving her apartment. It’s a very specific line that works on double levels: text and subtext. The subtext of course refers to the day he run out the house and time jumped. I highlighted these two lines from Five and Ben because I think they share the same theme: leaving her without saying goodbye.

Vanya wasn’t on mission with the team when Ben died, and I doubt she even saw his body (or whatever remains were left) when the Umbrella Academy returned. She didn’t even see his manifestation during the Icarus’ fight, too focused in her own power. The scene between them in Vanya’s mind gave both the opportunity to make amend of untold words and missed moments.

Ben is dead, he is the one he cannot return. His departure is permanent, there is nothing they can do about that. However, they can have a closure. Ben needed to be the one first patching to mend Vanya’s relationship with her family, to remind her that she does belong. This sort of second death (finally move on into the Light) has more meaning than the first one, this time Ben completed the mission. He saved someone he loved (he couldn’t stop Klaus from destroying his life with drugs and alcohol) and could trust his siblings to take care of the rest.

I still think Ben didn’t need to die-die, but in a sense it was time for him to move on into the light. He was afraid to go on, but if he could move on so his siblings. It is time for Vanya to move on her own trauma.

(Yeah, I know. I still have problem with the scene because they erased canon in a way and Ben could do a lot more as character. They erased the fact drugs stop their powers like in Klaus’ addiction and Vanya’s pills, so how Vanya was able to use them under LSD? I tried to explain that to myself by the fact “they needed to bs that canon fact in season 1 and ignored it”.

We can also argue that Ben could have prevented the apocalypse in 2019 by doing the same thing, but in their defence S1-Ben didn’t know he could possess a body. Yeah, how did he do that without Klaus’ power help? No idea, that doesn’t make sense to me either. Ahah. I just swam with the flow at that point and accepted it as it is. Call it the power of superpowered siblings’ love. I’ve seen worse plot holes in my life. I can live with this).

3. Pass me the knife, there is some tension here!

From Vanya’s book:

Though prone to arrogance and outbursts, even more than the average preteen, Five was my sole confidante in the years before he disappeared. It almost seemed fitting […] the siblings to leave us, it would be him who [I fully?] […] who fully trusted me.

I said that Vanya’s walking backwards her life’s breaking points. So, after Ben’s death, she needs to address Five’s leaving. Five was her only confidante in the years before he disappeared, as she wrote in her book. Five was very important to young Vanya (and old Vanya needs to remember that) and I bet when he left, that was a scar never healed.

Vanya missed him and hoped for his return, for a while she kept the lights on in the house every night and prepared for him his favourite sandwich. When Five did come back Vanya couldn’t process that fact properly in season 1, all she could think of was that she didn’t want to lose him again. Five on the other hand decided that he would save everyone on his own and for that choice he made a bunch of tragic rookie mistakes.

Miscommunication is their kryptonite and right now Vanya and Five aren’t able to fully communicate at the same level. Reggie did such a good work at parenting that they’re so unfit to deal with their emotions and relationships, that will always be the root of their mistakes.

Same story in season 2, meanwhile Vanya is on the verge to provoke another apocalypse (although indirectly), as usual Five was too obsessed with his own plans and was not even aware of the situation. He knows nobody is insignificant when it’s about altering the timeline, but he always ends to focus on the wrong lead. The show again did incredible summersaults to avoid the two to interact properly and when they interacted things still didn’t work for a reason or another. She didn’t remember her past, he was not entirely sincere with her. She wanted to start anew (having a family with Sissy, easy-peasy), he is trapped again in a run against time to save his family. They are still not at the same page and for the show that is convenient. They still can play with their open theme (my point number 1 in this meta).

I don’t blame Five in S1 for thinking that if the worse happens, they would need to kill her. I think he was in a very delicate state of mind in that moment, he didn’t have time to process the fact Vanya (his favourite sibling and we all know she is his favourite) caused the end of the world. It was disappointing and cynical, but time was ticking fast, and he had been in his “maniacal-panic” mode for almost eight days. I also think he wouldn’t really kill her; he was the one who convinced the others that they needed to take her with them in the time jump. They need to “fix her” (aka help her to never feel alone in the universe and prove her we do love her) or they’re going to make the same mistakes again and again.

Just to be clear I think if Five wasn’t one day from the end of the world and in a rush to stop Vanya, he would had had the same reaction as Old Man Five in S2. His 14-days younger version take it very well “Fair enough” he said and then proceeded to tell Luther how to save Vanya, no mention about killing her whatsoever. Old Man Five had time (10 days more than our current Five) and a direct clue on how to stop the apocalypse (thanks Luther). Nobody was going to kill Vanya.

“Vanya will always be the cause of the apocalypse, unless we fix her.” - Five S1EP10

“Vanya is the bomb. She will always be the bomb.” - Diego S2EP8

Vanya is the bomb and she will always be the bomb unless she heals. A fact that can be added to my number 1 point in this meta, there is an open theme and they need to tackle it. Five and Vanya need to confront each other and resolve it.

This takes me to S2 EP7: the iconic stare-power stand between Five and Vanya. THE TENSION was real, and you could cut it with a butter knife. The first time I screamed at my screen, I felt like Gordon Ramsay in one of those episodes of “Kitchen Nightmare US” when someone finally serves him good food.

Of course, the immediate reading of the scene is that Five needed Vanya to come along and Vanya didn’t want to go because at that point these Hargreeves are still strangers to her (amnesia is so convenient), Sissy and Harlan are the ones she knows and loves in that right moment.

They were still able to cut each other with sharp words and hostile glares though. Five let her have what she wanted, not because he feared her, but because as usual he cares more about her feelings than what he would ever admit. It’s the second time in S2 he let her go, his soft spot and favouritism for Vanya was showing once again! *fakes surprise*

I think the tension shown in this scene is a symptom that Vanya and Five are on the verge of something they will (they have to) confront soon or later. This is the subtext reading I came out with.

Even if you don’t look at it with shipper goggle, you feel there is something going on. They let the viewers feel there is a sensitive something whenever these two have an alone scene together. All their alone scenes have a specific grade of intimacy, they made it clear since the scene in front of Five’s portrait. They care for each other, they love each other (sibling love, platonic love, we-could-have-been-something love etc…) and it’s there. However, Five left and Vanya never truly recovered from that. They didn’t process that fact and I truly believe they can’t move on until they heal that scar.

Basically, S2 EP7 Fiveya’s scene = We have to talk, but this is not the moment because the show is only on its second season! THIS TENSION IS HERE FOR A REASON.

4. Hope is the last thing to die

I shouldn’t trust a show, I’ve been disappointed so many times in the past years and showrunners of popular shows tend to be unoriginal and cowards. However, I am an optimist at heart and until season 3 I dare to hope anyway. If proven wrong, there are always fanfictions who can do better job than canon.

If all was lost they could have eliminated Alluther too from the universe because of certain fans screaming “harcest is incest you weirdos”, but Allison and Luther’s situation still exist and still work on the parameter “will they or not”? I imagine for their shippers it was annoying to have such a regression in season 2, but they didn’t destroy it and they still gave them scenes.

Fiveya had even a more subtle situation than Alluther but they’ve been granted the same level of intimate interaction whenever they have an alone scene together. Until Five (the character) will gain an older body (which he can) the whole thing is suspended. However, I think they wouldn’t have been open about the possibility of Five changing back to an older body and spoke about in season 1 if they didn’t have an idea for that.

I brushed off the line Five said to Old Man Five about being forever trapped in his 13-years-old body. It’s canon that there is a way to gain an adult body for Five, the Commission has the technology and even if it’s not the Commission they can mambo-jambo the thing in a way or another. That would never work. The actor is a growing up teenager and from season 1 to season 2 he has already changed. I imagined he will change even more before season 3 will ever start recording (maybe very late due the COVID-19 situation).

Aidan is a fan favourite and I am one of those who can’t see anyone else playing Five, with this said there are still ways for the show to give us fiveya. Young fiveya flashbacks will be always an option to explore the idea of “they had a crush on each other when they were young” and make other viewers understand that it wasn’t all “sibling” love between them. Endgame in a distant season can always have an epilogue with an adult Five (another actor I mean) having a very non-platonic (let adult Fivey kiss please) moment with Vanya, meanwhile building up the longest slow-burn (kinda, deep down I believe those feelings for each other are there) of the century.

Maybe I am wrong, maybe my tinfoil crow is too tight, and my brain doesn’t breathe. Maybe the show will succumb to easy paths and angry bullies. I don’t know, but until proven wrong I dare to hope.

PS: This is a monster of a meta and it probably doesn’t make sense? I hope someone will get what I’ve tried to say. I hope you survive, brave readers. Here a glass of margarita for you. I’d love to hear what you think

#fiveya #five x vanya #vanya x five #my meta

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welcometothenightcourt · 3 years

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hi!! I had a few questions. I’ve been questioning if I’m a system for a while and I rlly don’t know at which point it’s ok to say I am(how do I become confident in that?). I truly feel like different people with separate identities at times, and like I possibly have passive influence..especially with gender and sexuality. but what if if my identity is just fluid? along with feeling like different people, at times I rlly feel like the world and body isn’t mine or that I’m not even real or human. I think im ghostkin(as in involuntarily I feel like I am a ghost..dinosaur too) but I wonder if these are actually non human (or “undead ghost”) alters? how do I tell? recently I also looked back on old(but honestly not even that old at all) conversations.. to find that I had an extremely different typing style and way of behaving.. it distressed me and I didn’t think I could ever behave like that… especially since the way I act/type has changed so much in a short period of time.. I don’t remember this change happening.. possibly it’s just me becoming more mature but I rlly felt disconnected from that “past me.” Ive also always had dissociation and have been forgetful at times… it feels like everyday besides the current present never actually happened and it’s hard to remember or feel like it was me that experienced it. I do end up remembering stuff (it depends-) but is that amnesia? bc I know to have DID and OSDD-1a u need amnesia… so I’m like .. if I don’t have it then would I have OSDD-1b?.. the problem I’m having though… is that I’m not exactly having any communication with ANYONE in any way and I know very little(no names and such) about any other alters except: one feels transmasc one feels transfem and I started calling the transfem one momo?.. there’s also me having a traumatic experience and started to identity 100% as a fictional character (two but mainly this one happens right at the trauma) so I wonder if it’s not a kin but a fictives? .. plus at a young age I do remember experiencing trauma … so it makes me wonder if I’m a system or not .. but honestly I don’t know how to tell at this point bc I’ve tried to talk to others and it doesn’t work … I don’t feel confident saying I’m a system bc my experiences are not the same as others.. (they have carrds listing s bunch of info on all alters) and I don’t…and I don’t want u to dx me!! I just don’t know what to do at this point in time..? I don’t know how to move forward or what I should do .. when is it ok to say I’m a system and how do I know which disorder I have?…I’m scared to tell my therapist ANYTHING mental health relays honestly

hi!! I had a few questions. I’ve been questioning if I’m a system for a while and I rlly don’t know at which point it’s ok to say I am(how do I become confident in that?). I truly feel like different people with separate identities at times, and like I possibly have passive influence..especially with gender and sexuality. but what if if my identity is just fluid? along with feeling like different people, at times I rlly feel like the world and body isn’t mine or that I’m not even real or human. I think im ghostkin(as in involuntarily I feel like I am a ghost..dinosaur too) but I wonder if these are actually non human (or “undead ghost”) alters? how do I tell? recently I also looked back on old(but honestly not even that old at all) conversations.. to find that I had an extremely different typing style and way of behaving.. it distressed me and I didn’t think I could ever behave like that… especially since the way I act/type has changed so much in a short period of time.. I don’t remember this change happening.. possibly it’s just me becoming more mature but I rlly felt disconnected from that “past me.” Ive also always had dissociation and have been forgetful at times… it feels like everyday besides the current present never actually happened and it’s hard to remember or feel like it was me that experienced it. I do end up remembering stuff (it depends-) but is that amnesia? bc I know to have DID and OSDD-1a u need amnesia… so I’m like .. if I don’t have it then would I have OSDD-1b?.. the problem I’m having though… is that I’m not exactly having any communication with ANYONE in any way and I know very little(no names and such) about any other alters except: one feels transmasc one feels transfem and I started calling the transfem one momo?.. there’s also me having a traumatic experience and started to identity 100% as a fictional character (two but mainly this one happens right at the trauma) so I wonder if it’s not a kin but a fictives? .. I also feel like often I’m possibly co con ?? bc I’ll feel unlike “me”/the body yet say “I have to be (body name) who else could I be)… plus at a young age I do remember experiencing trauma … so it makes me wonder if I’m a system or not .. but honestly I don’t know how to tell at this point bc I’ve tried to talk to others and it doesn’t work … I don’t feel confident saying I’m a system bc my experiences are not the same as others.. (they have carrds listing s bunch of info on all alters) and I don’t…and I don’t want u to dx me!! I just don’t know what to do at this point in time..? I don’t know how to move forward or what I should do .. I’m scared to tell my therapist ANYTHING mental health relays honestly Rn

Okay, first things first bud: slow down. Take a breath, and remember that there is absolutely no rush to come to these conclusions. Not about your system status, not about your gender, not about any of this stuff.

Next: As long as you’ve done your research, and taken time to really look at yourself and did/osdd/udd, and you feel like your experiences align with them, then it’s okay to self dx it.

As for the amnesia, yes. Amnesia is most commonly thought about as a complete black out, Idk what the hell happened at all kind of amnesia, but that’s not the only or even the most common type of amnesia. While black outs happen for some, grey outs (sort of remembering, but also not really, maybe like remembering big events but not any details of the event) or emotional amnesia (remembering something sort of but also feeling very emotionally disconnected) are far more common.

It’s important to remember that no ones experiences in system life are exactly the same way. Just because your experiences aren’t exactly the same as those you see doesn’t disqualify you from having the disorder at all. For every system you see out here having organisation and lists and blogs and whatnot there are three to five more you don’t see because their systems aren’t so comfortable with that or known or communicative or overt enough.

On a personal note, it took five years for us since we started questioning and noticing things to even accept and conclude that we were a system, and three years since that to get to the communication level that we have. Also, remember that here on Tumblr and on places like TikTok and whatnot, we get to choose how we present ourselves, what we do and do not share. We tailor how others see us. And most of the time for yalls viewing pleasure, we keep our dark shit off of this page. Our serious struggles and trauma and bad shit that comes with DID goes to our private vent page. What you see on social media is not ever going to be a 100% perspective of a disorder and all of the ways it manifests.

That being said, if you feel like you don’t quite fit the criteria for DID or OSDD, there is another diagnoses called UDD which can include those with systems. Please read this post for more on self dx, the criteria for DID, OSSD, and UDD, and related. (It’s also pinned in our pinned post, so you may or may not have read it already)

Lastly, the fact that you don’t feel comfortable talking to your Mental Health Professional about mental health is very concerning. I strongly recommend you get a new MHP asap with whom you can discuss these things if at all possible.

I hope this helps, and if you have any more questions or if I missed something you wanted a direct response to, don’t hesitate to ask. Always happy to answer to the best of my ability

#did #actuallydid #asks #ask #system #long ask #osdd

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waywardodysseys · 4 years

Text

Unconditionally - Chapter Four

Warnings: SMUT, oral receiving (m & f), unprotected sex (wrap it up), cussing, mention of anxiety

Word count: 5.7+k

Author’s note #1: because everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally

Author’s note #2: I included links for a couple of things and they are linked in the story where appropriate! And this is Valentine’s Day overload!

Unconditionally: Chp. 1, Chp. 2, Chp. 3

~ ~ ~

Over the following weeks the days go by quickly like a runaway freight train. Pedro and you are full steam ahead as you spend the days getting to know each other mentally and emotionally, he and you then spend the nights getting to know each other intimately.

He doesn’t want this feeling to end, he doesn’t want to leave for Brazil – he was to begin shooting a movie. Pedro wants to convince you, needs to convince you to join him in Brazil. Maybe even take a short trip down to Chile and visit his father and younger brothers. He wants them to meet the woman who has become, and is, his forever.

José Pedro Balmaceda Pascal is in love. He is headfirst, head over heels in love with you.

From the moment your hand was inside of his at Kendrick’s birthday he had an inkling of emotions towards you. He wasn’t sure what they were but when you two shared the passionate kiss under the mistletoe six months later he knew, without question, he was in love with you. And he barely even knew you.

Walking along the sidewalk, Pedro glances into a store front. Bouquets of roses and red heart balloons fill the window. It then clicks in his mind; Valentine’s Day is around the corner. His mind begins formulating a plan then he pulls out his cell phone.

He waits till his best friend answers with a rough good morning before saying with excitement, “Oscar!”

“Pedro.”

“I need help!”

“With what?”

“A surprise for Y/N!”

“What kind of surprise?”

“I’d rather explain it in person.”

“Come on over. I’ve got the kids though.”

Pedro shrugs and laughs. “Hey! I’m cool uncle Pepe!”

Oscar laughs, “I’ll get the coffee brewing. See you soon.”

Pedro hangs up his phone and begins walking again. He couldn’t contain the excitement inside of himself with the plan he had come up with.

-------

You sit in your usual spot at the café a couple of blocks from the apartment you share with your old college friend. You were staring at a blank document, trying to find the words for the scene you were working on. You kept hovering your fingers over the keyboard, hoping the words would come but they didn’t.

The scene involved a character from Kendrick’s show. She’s based off you, and then there’s her ex, who is based off Will. You had to write a good, no, a great sending off scene for them both because the final episode was going to introduce a new love interest for the character, who would be based off Pedro.

You take a sip of your lukewarm tea and then hover your fingers over the keyboard again. You had no clue where to start but something came forth and your fingers started moving across the keyboard in a flourish.

You are in your zone when your phone vibrates on the table. You sigh and stop typing. You turn the phone over and recognize the number.

Why the fuck would Evans be calling you?

You swallow and hit accept. “Hello?”

“Y/N!” Evans’ loud voice exclaims on the other end. “How are you?”

Dandy. “Good. What do you want?”

Chris laughs, “straight to the point, eh?”

“Move it along Evans. I don’t have all day.” You sigh as you begin bouncing your left leg under the table. Anxiety’s crawling through your body.

You hear the smile in his voice when he says, “I want to direct all six episodes of The House that Built Us.”

What. The. Fuck., you think as your heart races.

“Oh really?” Your voice squeaks out.

“Yes. I do.” Chris pauses. “I want us to get together for dinner. I want to discuss some stuff with you.”

You know he means more than just the show. “Just follow the script Evans. It’s what a director is to do.”

“Come on Y/N. Please. If we are to work on this together, I need to know we are good.”

We’ll never be good, you think.

“Kendrick know you want to direct?” You ask.

“Yes. He said he would call you, but I told him it might be best to hear it from me personally. If you don’t want me to direct, I understand but you do know I’ve wanted to get back into directing,” Chris pauses, his voice is light as he says, “you know this. We were working on a script together. A fantastic script! I know you are still working on the last two episodes, but I want this, I need this!” Chris pauses again. “Please.”

You’re quiet as your eyes dart around the café, then down at your laptop. Your leg’s still bouncing under the table, your heart is racing. If Evans wants this badly then maybe all he wants is to be director of the show. He knows you hate him. He ruined everything, yet he had also freed you from the man, you had slowly begun to realize, you weren’t in love with anymore.

“Dinner?” You ground out. “When?”

Chris smiles, “how about this weekend?”

“It’s Valentine’s Day weekend Chris. I’m busy.”

“Oh, are you with someone?” Disappointment laces Chris’ voice.

“Yes.”

“Who?”

“Doesn’t matter.” You don’t want to tell him who it is because you don’t want Chris to ruin what you and Pedro have. “What about the following weekend?”

“Hold on.” Chris comes back on, “next weekend is fine. I’ll text you a place and time.”

“Good.” Your eyes land on Pedro walking in. Your anxiety is gone instantly. “I have to go Chris. Bye.”

You stand and wrap your arms around Pedro once he approaches the table. You squeeze him tightly and inhale his sandalwood cologne. You’re calm, at ease.

Pedro hugs you tightly back. He then cups your cheek and brushes his soft mouth across yours. “Everything okay?”

You smile, “now that you’re here. Yes.”

-------

“How Pedro handle your history with Evans?” Kendrick asks you the following day at lunch. You two are at your usual spot for your weekly lunch. It’s been a ritual for years, at least when you two are in town at the same time.

You had also told Pedro about Chris calling you. You weren’t going to leave him in the dark about the call or your history with Evans.

“Fine.” You answer.

Kendrick raises his eyebrows. “Spill it Y/N.”

You sip at some water, then sigh. “He thinks Evans wants another shot and I told Pedro that wasn’t going to happen, will never happen because I am with him.”

“Yet you didn’t tell Evans it’s Pedro you’re seeing?”

You glare at Kendrick. “I don’t need the motherfucking asshole to get any ideas Kendrick. Chris doesn’t need to know. All he needs to know is I’m in a relationship. I am off limits!”

“Didn’t stop him last time,” Kendrick whispers.

“Yeah well that fucking kiss between us did happen and I should’ve let it happen.” You hold the tears in. “I almost slept with him Kendrick!”

“Yet you told me you were beginning to fall out of love with Will. You felt horrible because part of you was glad it was over because you couldn’t muster the courage, or strength, to tell Will yourself. As I recall, you told me Chris did you a favor, but you would never admit it to anyone else. Not even to Evans himself.”

Your heart cracks inside your chest. Kendrick’s correct.

Kendrick reaches out and grabs your hand. “You are not a horrible person Y/N. Eventually I would’ve kicked your ass and told you to tell Will.” Kendrick grins. “Just do the dinner with Chris, then go and be in Pedro’s arms. You’ll only have a week with him until he leaves for Brazil.”

“I think he wants me to go with him.”

Kendrick raises his eyebrows. “What makes you say that?”

“He’s been leaving subtle hints in conversations or little things around my apartment, his apartment.” You smile, “the other day he left an interesting drawing of the Brazilian flag on my fridge. This morning there was a small Christ the Redeemer statue on the table in his kitchen.”

“Has he, like, officially asked you if you’d go?”

You shake your head. “No. He’s asked about my passport. What countries I’m missing, which are a lot. Wants to know if I like ocean views, or city views.”

“Maybe he’s mustering the courage to ask, or maybe he wants you to ask him,” Kendrick shrugs as he finishes his sandwich. “What are you two doing for Valentine’s Day?”

“He won’t tell me. All he said was to keep my afternoon and evening open. And to make sure I am at my apartment all day.” You glance over Kendrick. “You know anything?”

“I do not!” Kendrick laughs and smiles. “For once I have no clue what the man has planned. Though I’m sure the evening will end with you both in bed.”

“Oh, god. Please stop!” You smile and laugh. Your mind running rapid with thoughts as to what Pedro could possibly have planned.

-------

On Valentine’s Day at three o’clock in the afternoon, your doorbell chimes. You walk to the door in your favorite hoodie and pair of sweatpants. You open the door to Kendrick, his boyfriend Jonathan, and a woman you have no idea who is.

“Uh, what are you doing here?” You ask with curiosity.

Jonathan steps forward, “we’re here to get you ready.”

You eye Kendrick. “So, you did know?”

Kendrick shrugs. “It was to be a surprise. I couldn’t say anything!”

Jonathan grabs your hand, dragging you towards your bedroom. “Bring in the racks!”

Minutes later you are sitting in your desk chair looking at dresses. “I can’t make up my mind!”

“Hun,” Jonathan begins, “what do you like?”

“Yes, you.” Kendrick states.

“Don’t think of what Pedro wants, or likes. He already has you. He’ll love whatever you wear because it’s on you,” Jonathan states.

You stand and walk down both racks slowly. The colors of dresses range from sunshine yellow to cherry red, then from sky blue to midnight black. You stop once you see an ombre color dress. It weaves black and what appears magenta together perfectly. You pull it out.

“This one.”

Jonathan takes it from you, “let’s try it on!”

A couple of hours later you are standing in front of mirror, looking at your reflection. Your Y/H/C hair is parted on the left side, light waves roll down the soft locks. Your face is painted with makeup, but not too much. Your Y/E/C eyes pop because of the eyeliner and eyeshadow Jonathan used. The dress you picked fits you perfectly, hugging every curve of your body, it sweeps the floor as you walk. You lift up the material to look at the one-inch heels. Nothing too fancy there either, you didn’t want to fall or trip walking in stilettos.

You smooth out the material as Kendrick walks up behind you.

“Lovely as ever Y/N.” Kendrick notes.

You turn and smile. “Thank you. Now don’t you and Jonathan have a date?”

“We do.” Kendrick hands you a jacket. “Stay warm, be safe both out there and in the bedroom!”

“Kendrick.” You ground out as you take the jacket.

Kendrick kisses your cheek. “Have fun love. Talk tomorrow?”

You nod. “Talk tomorrow.”

Kendrick leaves as you put on your jacket. Minutes later your doorbell chimes for the second time of the day.

You let out a breath and walk towards the front door.

-------

Pedro exits the elevator on your floor. He walks down the hallway and rings the doorbell. Seconds later you open the door, standing there looking beautiful and radiant. He knows you are beautiful without the makeup, without the fancy dress.

He steps forward and captures your mouth with his. Drinking you in, becoming intoxicated with you, only you. He pulls you up against him and never wants to let go.

Pedro pulls faintly away from your lips. “Hermosa, mi querida.” His voice is light and enriched with desire, and love.

You smile at his words. You had seen what he was wearing before he pulled you into his arms. “You should wear a tux more often. It suits you.” You add with a laugh.

Pedro grins as he palms your cheek. He loves you. He is in love with you. “Ready?”

“As ever.”

Pedro grabs your hand as you close your apartment door. He pulls you onto the elevator then you exit into the lobby once the elevator opens to the main floor of your apartment building. He pulls you out into a N.Y.C. winter evening, towards the curb where a black town car is waiting for you.

The driver nods his head and opens the back-passenger door for you. Pedro lets you get in first then he settles in beside you before pulling you into his arms once again.

The driver gets in the car and pulls away from the curb.

“Where are we going Pedro?” You whisper resting your head on his chest above his heart.

“It’s a surprise.”

“Not even a hint? Or clue?”

Pedro kisses your temple. “No clues Y/N.”

You sigh and rest against Pedro. You close your eyes and take in his warmth, take in the smell of his sandalwood cologne. You’d recognize the scent anywhere and you know you’d think of Pedro. You listen to his steady heartbeat.

Pedro keeps his eyes on the buildings and once the car approaches the destination, he pulls out a blindfold from his tux.

“Don’t open your eyes mi querida.”

You swallow. “Okay.”

Pedro places the blindfold over your head, making sure it covers your eyes.

Your heart faintly quickens as you hear the car door open. You feel cold as Pedro removes himself from the car.

“Grab my hand,” Pedro whispers as he runs his hand down your arm.

You find and grasp it tightly as you scoot out of the car and into the cold air.

Pedro pulls you up against him as he begins walking.

“Where are we?” You whisper.

“You’ll see.”

You hear the jingling of keys and you’re inside the warmth of a building within seconds. All you can hear is a fire crackling close by. Your nose is tickled with the smells of roses and lavender, and a hint of vanilla. He pulls you further inside the warmth and the wonderful smells.

Pedro stops, so do you. He takes off your jacket. “Stay here.”

Like you could go anywhere. “Um, okay.”

Soft instrumental music begins softly playing and you hear Pedro walk up to you and grab your face in his hands. He brushes his mouth lightly against yours as his thumbs rub your cheeks.

You place your hands on his hands and brush your thumbs over them.

Pedro pulls back and looks at you. He traces a thumb over your soft lips then he walks around you and pulls you back up against him. His fingers roam over the open back of your dress. Your skin is delicate and warm under his touch.

“Pedro,” you whisper as you feel his front against your back.

“Yes, mi querida?”

You laugh lightly, “you do know I still can’t see?”

Pedro smiles, “yes. I want to take you in before I do the reveal.”

Your mind begins to race, and your heart slightly quickens.

“It’s just us. No one else is here,” Pedro whispers against your ear.

You breathe in and out. “I would hope so Pedro, otherwise I think if I was to move out of your grasp, they’d noticed what you have.”

Pedro laughs. Standing behind you and having his arms wrapped around you has given him a hard on. He’s ready to devour you again and again before the sun comes up in the morning.

“Keep your eyes closed Y/N,” Pedro reaches in front of your face and lifts the blindfold up and over your head.

Your eyes are still closed as Pedro wraps his arms around you.

Pedro places his head next to yours, “open them mi querida.”

You open your eyes. You gasp as you take in the view of the East River and the Manhattan skyline through the floor to ceiling windows. The city looks peaceful and spectacular from where you are standing.

You then sweep your eyes around the room you are standing in.

Several blankets make one large rug on the hardwood floor you are standing on. You notice a basket in the middle of the floor. Two champagne flutes accent the basket along with an ice bucket and a bottle of champagne.

You smile as you take in rose pedals strewn around on the floor and the candles creating a path towards the picnic basket.

“This is lovely Pedro,” you whisper.

“You deserve this mi querida,” Pedro whispers back.

You wonder who’s place this is. “Don’t tell me you’ve kicked someone out for the night.”

Pedro laughs as he holds you close. “No. They are elsewhere in the world tonight. Oscar knew of this place, knows the owners.”

You wonder who would want to miss out on this view every night. The Manhattan skyline, the East River, the Brooklyn Bridge. Then with the added effort Pedro put into this place – the romanticism, the candlelight, the music, the picnic, the love.

Every aspect of this evening is perfection, and you know there’s more to come.

You sigh happily as you rest your head back against Pedro, searing this view into memory and all the intricate details as well. In all your years alive this is the first Valentine’s Day you want to remember for eternity.

-------

After eating the picnic dinner and toasting to one another with the champagne, you sit in between Pedro’s legs on the blankets. Pedro’s arms are wrapped around you and as you rest against him.

“This is wonderful,” you sigh contently. “Thank you for this. It’s perfect. You’re perfect.”

Pedro tilts your head and brushes his mouth against yours. He presses his forehead against yours as he cups your cheek.

“I love you Y/N.”

Your heart quickens.

Pedro continues, “all I want is you, all I need is you. Mi amor.”

You watch him lift a blanket and pull out a Tiffany Blue box.

This better not be, you think as your mind flashes with pictures of engagement rings.

You weren’t ready for this again. You and Pedro weren’t ready to take this gigantic leap. You look at him. Could he though?

Pedro holds the box in his hands. “Open it.”

“Pedro,” your voice squeaks, “if this is a ring—”

Pedro presses his lips against your temple. “It’s not but now…”

“Pedro please don’t joke.”

He smiles, “open it.”

You take the box from his hands and place it in your lap. You untie the silk white bow and take off the lid. You turn the box over and out slides a black velvet box.

“Pedro,” you whisper as you open the black velvet box.

Inside is a heart shaped pendant with an olive branch design in sterling silver on a same color chain.

“It’s beautiful,” you whisper as you touch the necklace.

Pedro grabs the piece of jewelry gently, taking it out of its home and unhooks it. He brings it around your neck – its new and forever home.

“I saw this and knew I had to give it to you,” Pedro whispers as he clasps the chain together and kisses the side of your neck. “Olive branch signifies peace and abundance. You’ve told me I am your calm, your peace. My love for you will always be bountiful.”

Your fingers reach for the necklace. You touch it lightly as Pedro stands up.

He holds his hand out for you and wiggles his fingers.

You look up at him and smile.

Once on your feet, Pedro pulls you into his arms and the tune over the speakers becomes familiar to your ears.

The piano and cello complimenting one another as they make a lovely sound.

Pedro begins singing along with the music, “wise men say only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with you.”

Your heart melts instantaneously. You know in this precise moment you are in love with this man.

“Would it be a sin, if I can’t help falling in love with you,” Pedro continues to sing.

This is the song Pedro asked you to dance to at Kendrick’s Christmas party. It was the same one he had the pianist play on your first date.

“Like a river flows surely to the sea. Darling so it goes, some things are meant to be,” Pedro grabs your hand and places it over his heart, “so take my hand, take my whole life too. For I can’t help falling in love with you.”

Tears spring to your eyes. Yes, you are in love. Your heart is calm, you are at peace. You reach up and touch his cheek.

“Some things are meant to be,” you sing in a weak voice.

Pedro smiles at you.

“Take my hand, take my whole life too. For I can’t help falling in love with you,” you sing to him.

“For I can’t help falling in love with you,” Pedro and you sing in unison.

When the music ends, you look at Pedro and touch his cheek, “I love you Pedro.”

“I love you Y/N,” Pedro whispers before crushing his mouth against yours, kissing you feverishly.

Pedro’s heart soars inside of his chest. He has found the one. You.

He knew you were the answer when he first laid his coffee colored eyes on your all those months ago.

Pedro runs his hands down the open back of your dress. His fingers find the zipper and they begin to move it slowly down. Pedro moves his fingers up and pulls down the straps of your dress, which fall freely down your arms.

Pedro faintly pulls away as his fingers run along the collar of your dress. He pulls down the material, pushes it slowly down your chest, revealing you have no bra on.

Pedro moans as he leans down and nuzzles your neck.

You suck in a breath as your fingers reach up and move through his soft hair. His feather light touches are driving you insane. You’re already on fire and he’s adding to the flame.

“Pedro,” you moan.

“Y/N,” Pedro whispers as his fingers reach up and touch the necklace he placed around your neck minutes before, “this is the only thing I want you to wear tonight when I claim you.”

You nod as your hands move up his chest, your fingers touch his bowtie. You reach under the collar of his shirt and unhook it, tossing it to the floor. You begin to slowly unbutton the white button-top he’s wearing.

Pedro keeps you pulled close to him. His fingers running up and down your back as your fingers finally unbutton the last button. Pedro sucks in a breath as your hands travel up his soft stomach and over his chest.

“Y/N,” Pedro whispers as he kisses your temple.

Your hands reach his shoulders. You push the jacket and top off Pedro’s body together. Your hands return to his shoulders and you let your fingers drum against his skin lightly down to the base of his neck. You move your fingers up his long neck and along his jawline.

Pedro pushes your dress further down your body. The dress falls slowly to the floor, pooling around your feet.

His fingers run down your chest, through the valley between your breasts and down your stomach. They trace the waistband of your panties. Pedro palms your core.

“Pedro,” you let out in a soft gasping moan.

Pedro pulls you up against him and runs a hand down your back and over your ass. You are his now and forever.

“Y/N,” Pedro whispers against your ear. “Eres mia, mi amor.”

You smile as you rest your head against his chest. “Eres mio Pedro.”

You and Pedro stand wrapped in one another for a few minutes before you move your hands down his back. Your own fingers trace the waistband of his pants. They unbutton and unzip the material with ease.

Pedro hisses as your hand reaches in and begins stroking his cock.

You moan as you feel his cock harden at your touch.

You use your free hand to push down his clothing. Once his pants are around his hips, you kiss Pedro at the base of his neck then move your mouth down his chest and stomach.

You settle comfortably on your knees as you use your tongue to lick up and down his length then swirl your tongue around the tip.

“Yes,” Pedro grounds out as he runs his fingers through your hair.

You engulf his cock slowly into your mouth, inch by inch. You use your tongue to swirl around the girth of his cock. You moan as it hits the back of your throat.

“Oh—mmm,” Pedro moans as he feels your hand reach up and cup his balls.

His hands try to hold your head steady as you begin moving up and down his cock. Pedro’s orgasm is rising inside of him as he tilts his head back, savoring the way your mouth feels on him.

“Fu—Y/N—mmm—oh—yes,” Pedro pants out as you continue lathering his cock with your saliva.

You move your head up his length and your tongue swirls around the tip fast then slowly.

“I—mmm—let me—mmm—return the favor,” Pedro moans as he places a hand under your chin, making you look up at him.

You release his cock from your mouth, staying on your knees. You move back on the blankets, lying down on them. You kick off your shoes as you watch Pedro push his pants and underwear down.

Pedro kicks his shoes off as he takes in your naked body on the floor.

Mine, is all he thinks as he takes in your glowing skin, your steady pulse at the base of your neck. The necklace laying on your upper chest.

Pedro moves your dress out of the way as he kneels between your open legs. He kisses his way up your stomach, moving his mouth between the valley of your breasts. He flicks one nipple with his tongue, then the other.

He moves up your chest and kisses you along the base of your neck. He reaches up and cups your cheek as he brushes his mouth against yours.

You smile as you pull faintly away. You reach up and trace his mouth with your fingers.

Mine, is all you think as you look deeply into his coffee colored eyes.

You two stare into each other’s eyes. The moment is intimate. Both of you smile as you both know you love one another. All there is in this moment, and for the rest of your days, is each other and the love you have for one another.

You move your fingers along his cheeks and jawline. You reach up and weave them through his hair. You will never tire of him. Never.

Pedro captures your mouth as he smiles. He sees the love in your eyes. He sees the woman he fell in love, the woman he loves.

He roams a hand down your body and palms your core. He moans as he finds you hot and wet. Pedro slips in a finger, glides a finger over your clit.

“Pedro,” you moan as his finger touches your sensitive nub.

Pedro kisses his way back down your body. He moves his mouth over your skin, making sure he glides his cheeks over your skin as well so you can feel more pleasure from the light fuzz on them.

You suck in a breath as your fingers remain threaded in his hair as he moves his mouth further down your body.

Pedro slides his fingers over your folds as he places his head against one of your inner thighs. He looks up at you and you already have your eyes on him.

Pedro grazes his cheek against your inner thigh before he dips his head and begins circling your clit with his tongue.

Your toes instantly curl at the contact and you moan out, “Pedro.”

Your body’s been in overdrive since Pedro told you he loved you. His kisses, his touches along with him gliding his fuzzy hair jawline and cheeks across your flesh has set your pleasure sensors off. They were craving more; you were craving more. You craved him above everything, and everyone else.

Your orgasm crests inside of you as Pedro’s tongue moves against your clit. The pleasure inside of you is at maximum speed and you know it’s only a matter of minutes.

“Ped—Pedro,” you moan as you release one hand from the blankets and weave them through his hair.

You moan loudly as your orgasm crashes throughout you. Your toes curl again, and your hands clasp the blanket as Pedro lightly flicks your clit as the aftershocks of your orgasm make your body tremble.

“Pedro,” you pant as you feel him kiss both of your inner thighs before moving back up your body.

“Y/N,” Pedro whispers as mouth moves across your skin slowly. He wants to savor the aftershocks of the orgasm he gave you rolling through your body.

You reach up and run your fingers through his chestnut brown hair as you catch your breath. Your eyes locked onto his as he moves his mouth up your chest through the valley between your breasts.

Pedro grabs one of your hands and brings your wrist to his lips.

You moan at feeling his mustache tickle your skin.

“Mi amor,” Pedro whispers as he looks into your Y/E/C eyes.

“My love,” you smile at him.

You and Pedro drink in one another.

Your hands travel up his stomach and chest then around to his back. Your fingers moving lightly across his warm flesh.

Pedro sucks in a breath as he leans down and nuzzles your neck.

You pull him close to your body then bring his mouth to yours, not caring about tasting yourself on his lips. You take the advantage to push him onto his back.

Pedro moans as you pull away and straddled him.

He reaches up with a hand. Strokes your cheek, moves his fingers down your neck. He touches the necklace then moves his hand down your chest and over your stomach.

“Hermosa Y/N,” Pedro whispers.

You blush as you lean down and nip at his neck, “and I’m all yours Pedro.”

Pedro places his hands on your hips and squeezes gently, “yes you are.”

You smile as you reach back and find his hard cock. You keep your hand at the base as you rise your hips then slowly sink your pussy onto his length.

“Y/N,” Pedro hisses at finally being inside of your slick canal.

You moan loudly as you begin rolling your hips once you feel Pedro’s cock entirely inside of you. You close your eyes as you move your hands up and down his chest and stomach.

Pedro begins thrusting up into you, meeting the rolling of your hips, matching your rhythm as his orgasm rises inside of him. His hands remain on your hips as he takes you in with his eyes.

He burns this moment to his mind. Your beautifully naked body riding him as the necklace he gave you glimmers in the candlelight. Your Y/H/C hair falling around your face as you tilt your head back and bite your lip as his cock inside of your depths gives you pleasure.

He has burned the whole night into his mind. He doesn’t ever want to forget this night, doesn’t ever want to forget the moment when you uttered ‘I love you’ to him. He doesn’t want to forget how much he loves you, doesn’t want you to forget he loves you as much as you love him – possibly more.

Pedro knows if things were to fizzle out, or if hell decided to come for you in any form, he’d battle whoever and whatever to get you back, to get you to stay. He had dived deep, like you had, into the deepest ravine and knew there was no chance of ever escaping.

“Pedro,” you moan as your fingers tighten against Pedro’s chest because another orgasm is cresting inside of you rapidly.

“Y/N,” Pedro moans as his fingers tighten on your hips.

You open your eyes and look down at him. You roll your hips and moan loudly as your second orgasm jumps off the cliff it had approached.

“Fu—,” you can’t complete the word as your orgasm makes your body tremble.

Pedro sits up and gathers you in his arms as he thrusts up into you and explodes, emptying himself inside of you.

You’re breathless as you loop your arms around Pedro’s neck and lean down to nuzzle his neck. You feel your pussy clench around his cock as he cums inside of you.

“Y/N,” Pedro pants as he brushes some of your hair aside and nips at your neck.

Your emotions are high. Your pleasure is high.

Pedro Pascal is your drug. You never want to come down from the highs he’s given, will continue to give.

Pedro wraps his arms around you and pulls you against him. He lies back against the blankets and holds you in his arms. His fingers travel down your back then up into your hair.

“There’s nobody like you Pedro. Will never be nobody but you,” you whisper against his neck.

“You are my one Y/N. My one and only. There is nobody but you.” Pedro whispers.

You move to your side, keeping your head in the crook of his neck. Your hand travels down his chest as Pedro grabs a free blanket and covers you both.

Pedro turns his head and looks at you. “Will you come to Brazil with me?”

You smile, knowing this was the one true question he wanted to ask you tonight. You know you can go; you want to go.

You brush your lips against his, whispering, “yes.”

Unconditionally Tags: @holyground1996, @bonkybaaarnes, @blushingwueen, @dindjarinshelmet, @stand-on-your-feet

Pedro Tags: @pascalisthepunkest, @kaelyn-lobrutto24, @jokersdoll, @knight-of-heart44, @mandadl0rian, @cosmo-bear, @caitlincat-95, @random066, @longitud-de-onda, @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead, @earl-01

#unconditionally chapter 4 #pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal x you #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal smut #mutlichapter #unconditionally #smut #when you meet your soul mate everything is calm #romance #valentine's day #pedro pascal hopeless romantic

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buddha-in-disguise · 4 years

Text

Will this ever end?

Well I woke up to a shitstorm on Twitter and the Supergirl fandom, with David Harewood.

I can't say exactly what was said to cause David to post what he did as I haven't seen posts he might have done - but his subsequent reactions have unfortunately merely seemed to have exacerbated the issue and inflamed it.

My thoughts though before I go further into this. Also remember these are my own thoughts, I don't expect everyone to agree with me. However I hope I can make some kind of sense with what I'm trying to write down here.

Supergirl this season has one character I'm finding hard to relate to. This has absolutely nothing to do with potential storylines and relationship possibilty, but everything to do with what they have tried to do with William Dey as a whole.

I get the reason he came along in regards Russell and so the Andrea connection. That story made some sense.

What hasn't made sense - William being used as a journalist, when Nia is right there! Nia has barely had any screen time, and virtually none as a journalist; you know - her actual job. I'm not sure what the minutes on screen ratio has been this season between the two, but it has felt completely slanted towards William as a viewer.

First instead of Kara and Nia investigating Leviathan after William was 'exposed' in the earlier episodes, now Nia is sidelined again, because they want Kara to team up with William to investigate Lex.

Why? Why do they need that journalistic pairing, when Nia - who as a Superhero, is better placed if danger from Lex occurs. But no, they're making it about Kara having to work with William because Lex threatened to kill him.

They have a Superhero who is also a journalist right there!

Right. There.

Personally this simply makes no sense to me. Plus if I am being honest, William as a character is bringing nothing to the table for me. He feels more like a token male character because James has left.

That brings me to Dansen. While we had some scenes before Crisis, considering at SDCC we were being told how Dansen would strengthen after those events, again we have seen seconds worth of screen time of Kelly, let alone the lack of Dansen.

We accept it isn't the Dansen show and this isn't about that, but again it feels as if it is being pushed way into the background & Kelly is being underutilised. She works for Obsidian North, yet was nowhere to be seen at the launch of the new tech. Sure, it isn't her area of expertise within the company, but you would expect senior employees to have been at such an important launch.

Plus, she is ex-military, but again nothing has been utilised about that part of her character.

The problems with both these issues is these characters are LGBTQ rep on the show. Representation that is already severely underrepresented on TV. Even allowing for the LGBTQ rep on SG (which is above average), it is still well below the ratio percentages that GLAAD show as being the main demographic of viewers.

So LGBTQ fans also look at non-canon representation as well. They have to, because LGBTQ on screen numbers simply don't reflect what the viewer numbers are. I made a post about it to try & highlight this, which I will link to.

But needless to say, LGBTQ fans also generally have difficulties that a lot of people don't have to face.

This brings me back to David and his lack of understanding that many fans were (looking through the comments), trying to explain to him. That criticism wasn't aimed at him per se (at least that I saw), or his directing or acting of that episode. If criticism was aimed at him, that was and is wrong.

The main criticism I saw was being aimed about elements that the writers and producers had done (Winn's wife being another aspect that was problematic). It was unfortunate that it has coincided with David's directorial episode.

Look, David can direct an episode wonderfully, it can have some great aspects to it, but it can also be highly problematic to some fans, & receive valid criticism for it.

For example, the latest episode of Batwoman. The Alice/Beth story was great. The acting superb. What I found worrying was the way they made Sophie feel guilty for legitimate reasons why she had led a closeted lifestyle. That lifestyle is valid, for Sophie and many LGBTQ people, and for good reason, including keeping some people safe from harm. I felt it was a clumsy attempt for Alice to get into Sophie's mind; it could've been tackled other ways, so it felt wrong they used her sexuality as a way to achieve that. Being closeted for many literally keeps them alive. So that was one hell of a poor choice in my opinion. So, great episode, valid criticism.

I personally find it sad that David hasn't seemed to understand this. Especially considering he only recently tweeted about the lack of diversity on TV for black actors. His argument there applies to what the LGBTQ audience have been trying to explain so many times, both with Supergirl and beyond that.

Except for LGBTQ it goes further, as not only are there LGBTQ, there is further intersectionality that runs through us as a group.

So for example, Kelly is LGBTQ, but Black. She is also a woman. All areas that struggle in their own sphere and marginalised in their own right. Added together, and it makes her representation even more important.

Nia Nal is Transgender. And a woman. Also two areas of intersectionality. If we don't listen to all marginalised people, especially when that intersectionality comes into play, we fail.

David is Black.

But also heterosexual, and male, and honestly, seeing his reaction I felt the heterosexual male with no understanding what the LGBTQ audience was trying to explain come through far more than I imagined I would.

Now of course, it could be David had no intention of coming across in that way. Yet the way he liked certain posts also felt as a complete dismissal of the LGBTQ community as a whole. It felt like the reactions from SDCC 2017 all over again.

Without a doubt some fans were taking it too far. I get that. I don't know how often I have written about fandoms and the way some can behave. However, if David is putting everyone in a fandom as all being problematic (as his liking of Tweets seem to suggest), then that is a very poor take indeed by him, and one I hope he considers.

By taking those steps, he has angered some fans more than was necessary in my view. Like Staz the other day, I know we are all human and sometimes react emotionally. Unlike Staz, who tried to clarify his words and apologised for any upset he might've caused, David seems to have gone the other way and doubled down against fans, blocking even respectful tweets to him that were trying to explain a point of view.

Now before anyone thinks I am hating on David, I'm not. I have supported much of his work.

I am though disappointed that for someone who is marginalised himself, has had mental health struggles, he has seemingly failed to understand that LGBTQ are just as marginalised (if not more so) than he is, & that because of the issues LGBTQ people face, mental health problems are extremely high versus the general population. That some of his wording and liking of tweets have felt like a complete slap in the face for many, who have legitimate concerns about Supergirl at the moment.

As I say, I get some fans take it too far, in all areas of the Supergirl fandom. Outright hate towards anyone is absolutely unacceptable. I also understand that we all react at times that is instinctual because we feel hurt, and that reaction is not as good as it could be.

I just hope that rather than it implode more on us, that everyone takes a step back to try and calm down.

As for the issues of queerbaiting that has risen as a result of the teaser for the next episode of SG. Supergirl in earlier episodes of the season, used parallels to show Lena and Kara alongside canon relationships on the show. To then have other people call fans delusional for seeing those scenes as romantically formulated is not okay! It really isn't. That's hateful, because like it or not, those elements are there.

When I have people who don't watch the show asking if Lena and Kara are together because of clips they might see (straight people at that), that isn't delusional.

But, that isn't an issue the cast should address or make judgement on, or fans to insist they do.

It should though be something asked of the producers and showrunners, because if they have no plans to go through with it - it has been outright queerbaiting this season. Up until this year, they've not done things with notable intent to parallel other relationships. This season they have. The shift felt deliberate.

I know ultimately that this show is about Supergirl, but it is also about those around her as family & friends. I understand there are only so many minutes in one episode. What I don't understand is why those precious minutes are going to a character, when they have one perfectly placed to do the same role. Why they have to potentially explore another relationship, when we have one canon relationship & one relationship that while isn't canon in terms of romantic, it is a big story in terms of best friends, both seemingly sidelined. Which brings me to the Kara fighting for Lena's soul aspect. Again, I am not seeing a lot of fighting for anything, except more and more fans fighting themselves and cast.

I will be honest, I had high hopes for this season. I also knew it was likely going to be pretty confusing at times since it was given as 'our Black mirror season' and 'nothing is as it seems.' I accepted that.

However, all it seems at the moment is a jumbled mess from pre and post Crisis. They just doesn't appear to be any cohesion at all, which is making it really difficult as a viewer. Add in the changes post Crisis and it feels even more of a mess.

Of course, they could bring in more cohesive elements soon, but considering that we know episode 13 is 'It's a wonderful life,' and Alex Danvers in a later episode is wearing a Super suit - I just sense this whole 'nothing is as it seems' side we appear to be getting isn't changing any time soon, & with episodes running out, with so many strings running through at the moment, it feels really discombomulated. If by seasons end, they pull it off and you can look back and see how it's played out as a whole, I will be the first to say well done for that part.

I get that as more characters are added to a show, it can make shuffling screen time for those already established characters harder to achieve that will please everyone, especially when we get invested in those characters.

I do though think right now Supergirl feels chaotic beyond expectation, and no end in sight. I feel there have been too many character additions this season (particularly Andrea & William) that is taking screen time away from Kara, Alex, Nia, Lena, Kelly et al.

That is causing confusion for fans, that is also beginning to become frustration. That frustration is spilling over. Add in the genuine and legitimate concerns over the LGBTQ issues that have arisen, and the frustration has built even more.

Again though, that is something we need to be asking of the producers and show runners, and not pulling the cast into it.

Let's all try less to score points against each other, or make generalisations, as none of that is helpful.

If you can't do that, you will get other fans calling you out.

Let's all learn to step away a bit more when it is obviously getting to the point rational discussion isn't working, to let things calm down.

We all need to try and do better.

#supergirl #davidharewood #supercorp #lgbtq representation

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80alleycats · 5 years

Text

Dee Day Thoughts and Analysis

Preface: For those who don’t know, I’m a homoromantic asexual woman of color (mostly black).

Anyways, unlike many folks on Tumblr, I did not have too much of a problem with this episode. It did feel kinda..”eh”...and it could have been much better, but I had some laughs and laughed more with this episode than last week’s episode.

Here are my thoughts on the controversies of the episode. They might help some hate the episode and/or RCGMegan less:

1. Yellow/Brown Face – When I first saw those costumes I was like “Oh, we’re doing that again.” But it didn’t surprise me too much. This has been a part of the show for a long time and the racist caricature characters are “old” characters (i.e. known to the audience and not new caricatures created for shits and giggles), so I’m kind of shocked that people are so shocked by this.

I love RCGMegan, but RCGMegan are just…white as fuck. As a person of color, my standards are low for white people. (I HATE that this sounds racist but y’all know what I’m talking about) Like, I can’t even be mad about it. I’m just glad that there were attempts™ to point out the racism and the shittiness of Dee’s characters, which is something they’ve always done as well.

I think RCGMegan really meant well. It’s PURE SPECULATION but it’s possible that that’s why they hired Pete Chatmon, a black man, to direct the episode. White people sometimes think that if they add a person/people of color to their group and they don’t say “PLEASE DON’T DO THIS THIS IS FUCKING DUMB” what they are doing is okay.

And even though this is PURE SPECULATION on my part, I think RCGMegan’s wellmeaningness is one of the reasons that Pete Chatmon chose to do the job and posted on Instagram that he had a good experience working with RCG and co.

I think RCGMegan were attempting to be “silly classic hijinks” Sunny but also “woke” Sunny but they are…white as fuck and sometimes just do not “get” it. (I get the vibe from interviews that they mentally/emotionally separate the show from themselves and from reality.) I hope they learn to chill out with the yellow/brown/red face one day because, even ignoring the racism issue, it’s SO BORING, but I don’t expect them to because…they are white as fuck. Some white people figure it out and stop doing awkward shit. But some just…don’t. Especially when they have a long history of doing questionable things.

For a person of color to be a fan of this show, we/they have to accept the nature of this show or just stop watching it. Those are the only real choices and both choices are valid.

I’ll admit that I think the “Asian driver” joke was actually somewhat funny because the purpose of the joke was to highlight the phenomenon of white people acting like they aren’t racist when they actually are and are too stupid and delusional to realize it (i.e. benevolent racism). I love attempts™ at highlighting benevolent racism because of the subtle and insidious nature of it.

2. Predatory Gay Mac – I get where people are coming from, but I feel like Mac’s homosexuality wasn’t the joke. I feel like the joke was that Mac was being a goofy idiot who happens to love Dennis, but can’t always express it properly. (example: Mac trying to get Dennis to get on stage with him so he could maybe kiss him…which is the kind of harebrained scheme you’d expect from a goofball 1st grader with a crush and not a full-grown 40 year old man)

Mac’s behavior in this episode was similar to Charlie’s messy over-the-top behavior towards the Waitress in previous episodes.

There was also the dual joke of Mac trying to “one-up” Charlie and so veering into accidental innuendo territory. (example: Mac repeating the comment Charlie said to Dennis about wanting to get in Dennis’ pants)

Also, it’s canon that Mac is often gross when it comes to sexuality in general and I think they were playing with that as well (example: the social network episode where Mac asked the distraught woman about where to find her leaked nude photos).

Everyone in the gang is gross when it comes to sexuality. I feel like a lot of fans forget that Dennis and Dee are canon rapists who usually rape the opposite sex (and Dennis has literally sexually assaulted Mac before even though he considered it a prank). Being an equal member of the Gang, I’m not surprised the writers decided to pass the baton to Mac this episode and even then Mac’s behavior in this episode was fairly tame (in the context of this show LOL).

And FINALLY, even though Dennis protested Mac trying to get them to kiss, I never got the vibe that Dennis was extremely uncomfortable. I think it was just supposed to be a typical “Dennis is annoyed at Mac because Mac is being stupid” reaction. Mac gets on Dennis’ nerves sometimes, but Dennis loves and accepts him and all his weird and stupid behavior. I don’t believe it’s even possible for Mac to make Dennis extremely comfortable. Like, these two are pretty much a hivemind…

3. Charlie and Dennis Kiss Scene - I TOTALLY GET THE DISCOMFORT WITH THIS. And while the second kiss was actually a surprisingly good kiss (Charlie and Glenn can ACT), the scene wasn’t really funny. It was just like “Why? What am I supposed to be getting from this?”

One criticism I’ve seen is that the scene was saying two men kissing is gross (i.e. homophobia). But I don’t think that was the purpose. It honestly reminded me of the awkward attempted kiss scene between Mac and Dee when they were playing characters in one of the lethal weapon episodes.

Another criticism I’ve seen is that Dee (who, as we know, raped Charlie) forced two child abuse victims to kiss. VALID CRITICISM. But when it comes to the characters: they just don’t give a shit. Charlie still hangs out with Dee and considers her a friend (which is COMPLETELY different than how he sees Uncle Jack). Dennis loves her and hangs out with her. Notice that they were more concerned with coming across as homophobic (which is so, so stupid but typical of them) and they hated that they had cheese breath.

And keep in mind that even though it was Dee Day and they were “supposed” to do what she says, they didn’t have to. They treat Dee like garbage 364 days of the year with little remorse and she always come back to them. I feel like the implication is that they CHOSE to do the kiss, considered it gross but didn’t consider it a big deal, and would not compare it to their child abuse experiences.

Dee’s behavior analysis: The previous season’s Mac/Charlie/Frank orgy with the Dennis doll that she watched permanently fucked her up. Like, she knows she’s making the Gang uncomfortable, but she’s lost the ability to comprehend how abnormal her behavior is. Boundaries are gone in her mind. In her mind, she’s simply teasing them and they’ll be fine no matter what happens.

I know people identify with the characters because of their personal experiences and I get that. I get that people have strong feelings about these characters and it’s totally understandable and valid. But I think we have to be careful not to project too much on the characters and instead try to keep in mind how the characters are instead of how we think they are. Like, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia has a ton of dark elements, but it’s a relatively upbeat show that often doesn’t take itself too seriously.

This is PURE SPECULATION but I got the vibe from the second kiss that “someone” (possibly Megan?) wanted to do a CharDen scene but needed to do it in the spirit of IASIP (awkward situations + the Gang willing to do anything if they are passionate enough about it) and that scene was the result. It’s also possible that it was the result of some kind of RCG “in-joke” that they didn’t realize might not translate very well on the screen to certain audience members.

At the end of the day, I think it was just supposed to be a goofy “lolwut the Gang is so wacky” scene and it’s not meant to be psychoanalyzed the way certain things on the show are.

4. Dennis Without His Make-Up – I get people’s concerns about this. But the show has occasionally made fun of Dennis’ self-esteem issues concering his looks throughout the show, so this is nothing new. I feel that the scene was designed to make you feel sorry for Dennis, but also it was supposed to just be classic Sunny. Like him hitting on the congresswoman wasn’t just funny because he looked “off,” but because he just kept saying weird and awkward shit to her (similar to the scene in Season 13 where he was trying and failing to hit on the fantasy baseball woman).

And keep in mind that the rest of the Gang kept reassuring Dennis that he looked fine even after the scheme, which was sweet. The same cannot be said about Dee. She’s received a lot more abuse from the Gang and only scraps of affection and reassurance from them to the point where she always lights up when they show her basic kindness. If Dee (and we) can handle Dee’s abuse, Dennis (and we) can handle Dennis’ abuse. And, as mentioned above, he did not have to remove his make-up. He chose to do it and he chose to deal with the consequences of that. But he’ll be fine.

5. There was not enough focus on Dee – 100% agree. Nothing else to add. LOL.

#iasip #iasip season 14 #iasip spoilers #dee day #rcg #megan ganz #pete chatmon #musings meta headcanons #god level fandom posts

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