#I hope my fucked up writing can still be readable lmao

[deadbeat-motel]

ᗩᒪᗩᔕTOᖇ ᖇEᗪEᔕIGᑎ (ᗯIᑭ)

If anyone was wondering why Alastor was missing in the sinner's roster from the last post.... It was because I was having a hard time trying to translate what I wanted in that art style (If you can tell, it's not really my main way of drawing, I wanted to keep the cartoon-y vibe of the show....)

Still a rough design of how he's gonna look like though I'm happier with this draft I have.

(also Alastor's frowning in this because I wanted to see if the elongated mouth still looks like a smile.)

#hazbin hotel critical #vivziepop critical #hazbin hotel redesign #hazbin hotel criticism #deadbeat motel redesign #deadbeat motel alastor #I hope my fucked up writing can still be readable lmao #lmao watch me fuck up all this developement because i wanna be consistent with the artstyle

[dreamofbecoming]

pale shadows of forgotten names

so people seem to be enjoying my writing lately, and i realized i never properly posted my first witcher fic on here when i first wrote it- i posted a link to the ao3, but i wasn’t super active in the fandom yet and i didn’t make it readable on tumblr. so i thought i would share it here now, in case anyone is interested, and because it’s nice to have all my writing together in my tag on here

pls note i knew even less about the non-netflix canon then than i do now, so everything about spying is just made up lmao

ao3

geraskier, post-s2, getting together

rating: t

wc: 13k

“Might be best if I stay out of Redania for a while, actually.”

“If you get arrested, I’ll just break you out again. There’s a book there I need, the copy in Kaer Morhen’s library was destroyed. Vesemir said he knew someone in Oxenfurt who might be able to get his hands on one.” Geralt’s tone, as usual, leaves very little room for argument. Luckily, Jaskier has never needed much room when it comes to arguing. Certainly not with Geralt.

“It’s not just that, I really shouldn’t get close to Tretogor anytime soon, either. Especially with Ciri being hunted by half the Continent.” He’s hoping desperately that they won’t ask why, but who is he kidding. His luck is never that good.

“And why, exactly, is Tretogor a problem? Not that we would want to parade around a capital city regardless, but I’m curious. Oxenfurt I get, they’ll be looking for the Sandpiper, I’m sure, or at least the twit that broke out of their jail, but what’s in Tretogor?”

Damn the fucking witch, always too perceptive for her own good. And to think he was almost starting to like her. Well, at least the familiarity of wanting to claw her eyes out is comforting.

Jaskier sighs. He should probably be honest with them if they’re going to travel together, though who knows how long that state of affairs will last this time. Still, he’s not going to risk Ciri. He’d have kept his silence if it were just Geralt and the witch- he already has, in fact, and it worked for nearly 20 years, after all- but Ciri is precious cargo. The rules have changed.

Plus, Yen could probably just read his mind now that she has her magic back. Fucking sorceresses.

Speaking of, “Alright, but not here,” he sighs. “Wait until we make camp and Yen can set up wards or silencing spells or something.” He hasn’t noticed any white owls following them, but she’s always been good at avoiding being seen. That’s sort of the point, he supposes.

“Who do we need wards from, Jaskier? Are you being followed? Should I have left you behind? Did I put Ciri in danger by trusting you?” Geralt’s voice is hard, and Jaskier feels hurt pool in his belly for a moment before cold anger takes its place again.

“Considering I just traipsed halfway across the continent and back, no questions asked, and nearly died trying to help stop a fucking demon from killing her, what the fuck do you think, Geralt? I’ll remind you that only one of us has known and loved her since she was small. Do you really believe I would do that to her? To you?” And maybe that last bit wasn’t really meant to come out, certainly not in that small, sad little voice, but Jaskier is nothing if not a master of pushing through slip ups and missed lines. He’s a goddamn professional. He doesn’t let his expression change where he’s glaring up at Geralt’s stupid, angry, handsome face. Fucker.

He’s traveled with Geralt a long time. Almost a quarter century, on and off (including this last year, which was most decidedly off), more than half of that physically by his side. He knows the Witcher’s face better than he knows his own, and he can predict Geralt’s reaction in almost any scenario you care to name. A perceived threat met with scorn will make him double down on his anger, almost guaranteed. Jaskier knew this going in, but he didn’t spend half a year belting his rage and betrayal to every student and passing traveler in a hundred miles (not to even mention the whole ‘living through a massacre’ thing) to be cowed by Geralt’s glower now, no matter how distressingly sexy it may or may not still be. Or how it maybe still makes his stomach twist with something sick and anxious at the idea of having disappointed him. Again. Fuck that. Geralt has no right to be disappointed in him, not this time.

So naturally he’s a little shocked when, after a few more seconds of unreasonably attractive scowling, Geralt, improbably, backs down.

He heaves a sigh where’s he’s perched on (new) Roach, a sleeping Ciri safely ensconced in his arms on the saddle in front of him. His eyes fall shut for a moment, and when they open, the cold fury is gone, replaced with something that looks a lot like…regret? Sadness? It’s hard to tell in the dark, but regardless, the air of melancholy around him right now is out of character for this particular situation, and extremely disconcerting. Jaskier is definitely disconcerted.

“You’re right. I’m sorry, Jaskier. I do trust you. There’s a cave not far from here, it shouldn’t be too hard to secure. We can make camp soon.”

Was that…an apology? An actual, genuine expression of remorse, unprompted and freely given? He pokes Geralt’s upsettingly firm calf, staring incredulously.

“Are you really Geralt? Do I need to check you with silver or something? Yen, read his mind. Is he some kind of Doppler? Is this actually our Witcher?”

Geralt’s face is flatly unamused, and he kicks out to swat Jaskier’s hand away. Luckily, Jaskier has decades of practice avoiding Witcher speed for annoyance purposes, and pulls his hand back before Geralt can accidentally break his fingers or something. At least, he thinks it would be accidental. Probably.

Atop her borrowed mare, curtesy of Kaer Morhen’s surprisingly impressive herd, Yen raises a perfectly sculpted eyebrow at Geralt’s obvious irritation. “It’s a fair question, Geralt. Immediate, unsolicited apologies for bad behavior are not exactly your brand.” Jaskier is grudgingly impressed that she manages to keep the arch look on her face despite his current frigid distance from her. Apparently they’re not back to mutual teasing levels of familiarity yet, though he’s sure it will only be a matter of time before they’re back to forgetting he’s there mid-sentence to go fuck like stupidly attractive, scary, powerful rabbits. Won’t that be fun to live through again.

Geralt glares harder. Jaskier can’t actually see his face well enough to be sure, but he can always feel when Geralt is glaring, and the angry face quotient in the air definitely goes up a few degrees.

“Cave’s just up here. Jaskier, start setting up camp. Yen, wards. I’ll get Ciri and the horses settled and find something for supper.” He nudges Roach’s flanks and pulls ahead, aiming for a little gap in the trees near a rocky outcropping Jaskier can just barely make out in the scant moonlight. Conversation over then, at least for now.

Yen looks vaguely affronted. “Is it always like this? Traveling with him?”

“What, the glowering? Or the barked orders and being left behind?” If perhaps those words are a touch more bitter than they would have been a year and a half ago, well. That’s no one’s business but his own.

“Both, I suppose? The time I’ve spent with him has rarely been on the road, but he’s never been quite so…demanding. We didn’t exactly do much talking on the way to Kaer Morhen. I’m quite sure he would happily have killed me, or at least have been actively trying to shake me and leave me in the dust, if he hadn’t been so focused on getting to Ciri as quickly as possible.” There’s something brittle and harsh in her tone that feels uncomfortably familiar. It’s far too much like the heavy weight in his ribcage these days, sharp-edged and desperate and miserable.

“If life could give me one blessing, it would be to take you off my hands!” The hurt and dread freezing his blood in his veins, ice cold and inexorable. The awful silence, waiting for him to take it back, to laugh, to say it was all a horrible joke, or even a dream. The yawning pit of heartbreak and despair that started to rend his chest open, as the reality set in that this was actually it, actually the end, after everything-

Nope. No. Absolutely not. He is done with that, thank you. He is quite finished reliving that moment again and again (and again), he has put it behind him, he is a different man now. A stronger man. A man who won’t betray the loyalty he promised so long ago, but who refuses to let his heart back into the mix this time. He wrote a song about it and everything.

Funny how he almost believes it.

“Oh, I’m sure he was always far more…solicitous with you, darling. This is pretty much standard. The apology is new, and I’m a little surprised he’s letting me set up camp unsupervised,” (this is said with an impressively deep eye-roll, of course), “but besides that, yeah.”

He should be offended that he’s surprised to be given that responsibility, probably. He’s actually a remarkably competent traveler, both with company and without, but even towards the end it rarely occurred to Geralt that Jaskier managed to survive by himself for months or years at a time, or that the camp ended up much the same as it started even when he felt the need to redo all of Jaskier’s work, or that he wasn’t the one cooking the food he hunted or patching his own wounds when Jaskier was around. Not even the handful of times their camp was targeted by bandits, and several of them were already dead by the time Geralt got to them, seemed to register. Or all the times he came back addled and injured from a hunt, and Jaskier knew exactly which potions he needed to recover, and where to find them. Jaskier isn’t sure the great White Wolf ever even noticed a difference. He’s once again a little amazed that it took him so long to see it, that those furious words on the mountaintop actually managed to catch him by surprise. Love really is blind, he supposes.

The cave isn’t huge, but there’s enough room for four bedrolls and a small fire pit without having to snuggle up too close to each other, and it’s dry and lacking in horrid smells or angry monsters, so Jaskier has definitely seen worse.

Roach is tied near the cave entrance, under a small overhang jutting out from the rock to provide her some shelter from the elements. He wants to ask what happened to the old Roach, his- well. Not his Roach anymore, he supposes, not for a while, but he was still fond of her. It had taken years to win her over, but they were good friends by the end, he thought. Certainly she was freer with her affection than her rider. (Which, he realizes now, probably had more to do with his dearth of affection actually available than with his crushing emotional incompetence.) It isn’t really his place to ask, not anymore, but he wishes he could. New Roach is fine, she’s admittedly beautiful and probably a lovely animal, but he misses his friend.

Jaskier has the camp fully set up and a small fire going, near enough to the entrance not to fill the cave with smoke, but far enough inside so as not to be easily seen, and Yen has left her mount next to Roach, filled their waterskins, and is finishing up with the last of the wards shielding them from being found or overheard, when Geralt returns bearing…an entire deer. Fucking overachieving cockhead. He’s cleaning that shit himself, Jaskier isn’t interested. It definitely isn’t sexy seeing Geralt stride in, slightly blood-spattered, biceps bulging, thighs flexing, evidence of his prowess slung easily over his shoulders like a king’s mantle…nope. Not sexy at all. Jaskier isn’t even looking. He certainly isn’t biting back an embarrassing whimper.

He turns around hastily to begin rummaging through his pack for his spices and cooking supplies, filched from Kaer Morhen, of course, since all he had on him when Geralt found him in Oxenfurt was his charm and good looks. He wishes he had his lute, but it’s probably in pieces, rotting in a rubbish heap in Redania. He’ll mourn her at some point. Besides, he’s not sure he would be able to stop himself playing Burn, Butcher, Burn just on reflex, so it’s probably for the best.

They eat a decent supper of venison stew, Ciri waking just long enough to scarf down a bowl and collapse back onto her bedroll. Demon possession and Sphere-jumping really seem to take it out of a person.

Yen tosses another silencing charm around Ciri’s bedroll (they’ll fill her in tomorrow- they don’t intend to keep secrets from her but she deserves her sleep) and Geralt gets to work packing the leftover venison in salt for the road, before they both look up at him expectantly with eerily similar, piercing gazes. Violet and gold, a royal combination if ever there was one. Oh, that’s nice actually, there’s a song in there somewhere. Not one he wants to sing, really, but he’ll probably end up writing it at some point anyway.

“Alright, sharing time, I guess. Always figured this was coming eventually. Not that I imagined anything like this, what with the demons and the horrible rock monsters and the dimension hopping and- yes, yes, alright, I’m getting to it. Calm down.” He heaves a sigh. Hopefully they don’t toss him out on his arse after this, or just kill him. He doesn’t think they’d kill him. Would they? No, they wouldn’t. Probably.

“So you know I’m technically Redanian.” Yennefer nods expectantly while Geralt just. Blinks at him. Fucking gods, honestly. “Wow, ok, you really never paid attention at all when I talked, huh? That makes sense, actually. I guess I should have figured that.” He’s staring into the fire to shield the hurt in his eyes, so he misses the matching look on Geralt’s face before he presses on.

“Anyway, yeah, I’m Redanian, from Kerack, Lettenhove to be specific. Seriously? I’ve introduced myself to a dozen people in front of you with my full name, you really never- ok, yeah, right, never mind. Moving on. Julian Pankratz, Viscount de Lettenhove. That’s me. Or, it was. Technically it still is, but I never wanted the title. I never wanted that life. I left for Oxenfurt as soon as I was old enough, and when I graduated I went on the road, and then. Well. Then I met you, and, well, you know. You were there. For the rest. Some of it, anyway. Right. Well, Vizimir, or more likely someone on his council, since Vizimir is about as savvy and creative as a garden slug, and almost as charming, and I’m not sure if Dijkstra was advising him at that point-“ He catches Yennefer’s sharp look at Dijkstra’s name, but barrels on, “-anyway, someone noticed that a minor Redanian noble was doing a lot of very visible traveling all over the Continent and associating with a lot of people the Crown wouldn’t normally have an in with, and figured that would be useful. I think at this point, we’d been traveling together…2? 3 years? Something like that. Long enough that I’d started building a name for myself, definitely. Or, for us, I suppose. That’s why they noticed me in the first place.”

He knows he’s babbling, but there are nerves roiling in his gut like a cauldron, and that feeling has always translated into more words, for him. Like a pressure valve. He pauses and risks a glance at the person whose reaction he’s genuinely worried about.

Yen will understand, she’s been in and out of courts and noble circles and political tangles for decades, she knows how this works. She probably won’t trust him, but he’s fairly sure she doesn’t trust him now, so that’s no great loss. He doesn’t trust her either.

Geralt has a more…rigid concept of morality. In Geralt’s world, there are Right Things and Wrong Things. Sometimes you have to do Wrong Things to prevent Wronger Things, but that doesn’t make them not Wrong. And anything to do with kings and courts is usually Wrong. There’s a good chance Geralt might never forgive him for this, or if he does, he won’t be able to look past Jaskier keeping it from him so long.

Geralt’s eyes are fixed on his face, sharp and intent, and utterly unreadable. Jaskier thought he had gotten pretty good over the years at reading the subtle shifts in Geralt’s expressions- the tiny crinkles around his eyes when he wanted to laugh, the minute furrow between his brows when he was confused, the slight tick in his jaw when he was frustrated- but his face is as blank as new parchment right now, nothing but the glint in his golden eyes that says he’s listening to every word out of Jaskier’s mouth.

What a time for him to start doing that, he thinks bitterly. Decades of tuning him out when he thought they were friends, and now that Jaskier might be driving him away for good (again, a tiny voice whispers viciously), he’s hanging on every syllable.

“I was approached by a member of the royal intelligence service, and told that the king had ordered that I be recruited as a spy. Technically I am still nobility, and as such I’m obligated to obey the crown. And while I would gladly give up all the trappings of my title and never be anyone but Jaskier the bard ever again, at the time there would have been serious consequences for refusing, and not the kind that would fall on me. I’m technically a Lord, and I do have people I’m responsible for. I left people in charge that I trust to take care of them in my stead, but it’s my name they’re working under. And if I refused a direct order from Vizimir, I wouldn’t be the one to suffer for it. It wasn’t an option.”

He doesn’t look up from the fire. He doesn’t want to see the expressions on their faces, so he presses on, heart thumping wildly in his chest.

“I did my best to keep my reports…not vague, exactly, but mostly useless, I guess? Obviously I have no interest in being a part of whatever bullshit Vizimir or any other king feels like stirring up, but I had to send them something. Little stuff, mostly, frivolous gossip from the taverns I played in, details of drama and rivalries I picked up in various courts or nobles’ beds. Sometimes accounts of monster populations or incidents if there was anything especially notable, since they knew that’s a lot of what I was doing with my time. Nothing actionable, but useful enough that I couldn’t be accused of shirking my duties.” He’s suddenly struck with an awful fear, and he looks up desperately into slitted golden eyes. “I never said a word about Ciri, Geralt, you have to believe me. I told them about that night, and I had to mention that Pavetta had magic because there’s no way that wouldn’t get out some other way, but I never said a word about a Witcher claiming a Child Surprise. I would never risk her like that, or you, you have to believe me. Please say you believe me Geralt, whatever you think of me, that I would never betray you like that. Please.”

He knows he sounds frantic, that he must look insane, that he can’t stop his begging mouth like a runaway cart, but the thought of Geralt thinking even for a second that Jaskier would ever put orders from a king he cared nothing for over Geralt’s own life, over the life of a child, is a knife in his gut, twisting and pulling until Jaskier thinks he might vomit if Geralt doesn’t say something.

The blank expression is gone, and Geralt looks somewhat taken aback. His brow furrows a little in what looks like confusion, before settling into resignation, or maybe chagrin. Jaskier thinks for a moment that he sees a brief flash of what almost looks like…grief? That can’t be right…in his eyes, but it’s gone as soon as it appeared, and Jaskier thinks he must have imagined it.

Geralt takes a swig from his waterskin and draws in a deep breath before speaking.

“I wasn’t worried that you betrayed Ciri, Jaskier. I know you would cut off your own arm before you did something like that. I don’t love where it sounds like this story is going, but I promise, I’ll never be concerned about that.”

That’s…well, those are more words than he was expecting, surely. And different words than he was expecting, too. He would assume that Geralt is placating him, to calm him down and get him to finish talking, but he can hear the sincerity in his voice. Geralt’s eyes are almost imploring, as if he’s as anxious for Jaskier to believe him as Jaskier had been to be believed. He…isn’t sure what to do with that, actually.

He knows Geralt came back for him, knows he was at least not lying when he said he missed him (though how much is anyone’s guess), knows he trusts him to travel with his…his little family, to help keep them safe or at least not make things worse, but he never assumed it went beyond that.

Geralt was clear, on that mountain. Even if he’s sorry now, even if he missed having him around, he meant those words at the time, and Jaskier has no illusions that he won’t get to that point again. Geralt may have spat those words in helpless anger, may have turned his ire on someone who had nothing to do with the state he was in at that moment, but Geralt doesn’t say things he doesn’t mean. He says plenty of things he regrets, but he always means them at the time. He did, at one point, believe Jaskier to be a curse and a burden, and Jaskier is fully aware that he will come to that belief again, eventually.

He knows what that particular heartbreak feels like, now. He knows he can survive it, even if he wishes he wouldn’t, sometimes. Mostly, he knows that it will always, always be worth it. Geralt will always be worth it.

Gods but he’s a lovesick fool.

But now, instead of cold distain, or fiery wrath, or, worst of all, blank indifference, Geralt is looking at him like…like he’s sorry. Like he’s desperate for Jaskier’s forgiveness. Forgiveness for what? Jaskier is the one who hid the fact that he was a spy for most of their relatio- friendship. Acquaintanceship. Association. Whichever one wouldn’t piss Geralt off. Geralt hasn’t fucked up here, this time at least.

But he could never resist when Geralt asked him like this for anything, with genuine emotion instead grunted contempt, with even the vaguest hint of affection, like maybe Geralt enjoyed spending time with Jaskier, too. Like maybe Jaskier mattered to Geralt, at least a fraction of how much Geralt mattered to Jaskier. Gods above, he’s so weak for this man.

“Ok. Alright, good. That’s good. I’m glad. Thank you. I know I- anyway. Thank you. Right, where was I? Yes, ok, reports. So I kept myself mostly useless for pretty much the whole time we were together. I mean- not. Not together, obviously, but traveling together. As friends. Or not friends. Whatever. What was I saying?” He’s spiraling, fuck, he’s spiraling, he needs to get out of this, how does he get out of this?

Geralt is looking even more confused than before, but Yennefer is definitely laughing at him in her head. Witch. Like she isn’t just as much of a mess for him. She should be on his side! They bonded over this already and everything!

At least the indignation is enough for him to pull out of the whirlpool of awkward babble and self-sabotage he was trapped in, and he manages to right himself.

“Anyway! Ok! So! Right, well, things changed not quite a year ago, now, after the raid on Bleobheris.” He sobers at the memories, the scent of blood and the sound of screams suddenly heavy in the dry air of the cave. “It was…brutal. I’ve never seen anything like that, not in all my years Witchering with you. I wanted to help. I needed to do something, to…fix something. Anything, no matter how small. That’s when I was contacted by an anonymous benefactor, who offered to fund an effort to smuggle refugees to Xin’Trea. Word had spread about Nilfgaard’s alliance with the elves, that they could be safe there.”

“So the Sandpiper was born,” Yennefer says.

“Right. But I don’t like not knowing where my help is coming from and why. I may not have been a very useful spy in Redania’s eyes for the last 20 years, but it actually takes quite a bit of effort to be ineffective without being useless enough to fire or kill, and as it turns out, I’m actually quite good at it. Call it the performer’s heart in me, or something. So I was able to ferret out that the man behind the money was Sigismund Dijkstra, who had managed to get himself appointed spymaster to Vizimir, which, interestingly, made him my employer, as well as my benefactor.”

Yen looks up sharply again at Dijkstra’s name. Jaskier turns to her, curious.

“You’re familiar, I assume?”

“He’s been causing rifts at Aretuza, riling up the Brotherhood,” she says, brow furrowed. “Pretending to bring counsel and information but really just sowing discord. I’m not clear on the details, but I know elves were mentioned. There are those on the council who take issue with my heritage, so I try to keep on top of the rumors. I wasn’t at Aretuza for long, though, and I…didn’t exactly leave on good terms. I haven’t got many friends left there.” Geralt glances at her sympathetically.

Jaskier nods. “That sounds like him. I wouldn’t trust that man to clean my privy, much less provide thousands of crowns, probably from Vizimir’s coffers, for a worthy cause with no expectations of repayment.” He shakes his head. “I kept my suspicions to myself, though, the network needed the coin and regardless of his motivations, we really were helping people. I wasn’t going to let that go to waste.

“I guess, with me finally settling in one place for so long, and probably Dijkstra feeling like I owed him for the funding, even though I wasn’t meant to know it was him, they started expecting more from me, in terms of intelligence. I didn’t really have a choice, since now they always knew where to find me if they wanted to cause me problems, and besides, Dijkstra was already privy to the network’s efforts anyway as the main benefactor, so I figured it was mostly alright that I’ve had to give more…comprehensive reports to Vizimir the last several months.

“Since Cintra fell, most people know about Ciri, or at least that she’s on the game-board somehow. There are rumors of Nilfgaard searching for a Witcher, so I’m sure some people have put together that you’re involved somehow, but I don’t think too many of the courts, at least, have details. Just that Nilfgaard wants her and maybe there’s a Witcher involved. I made sure not to include too much information that they didn’t already have, but I can’t say for sure what every Northern king knows, or what the Brotherhood knows.” He glances at Yen, who shakes her head and shrugs.

“Anyway, so that’s the meat of it. The concern is that since I became an actual useful asset for them, they’ve been keeping a much closer eye on me. That’s why I was worried about the wards.”

“Alright, I can understand all of that,” Geralt cuts in. “I don’t like that you kept it from me, but I can’t fault your choices. You’re right that we can’t have them sniffing around you, not with Ciri in your orbit.” He frowns. “Would it be possible for you just…fall off the map? Disappear? Redania can’t demand anything from a missing viscount.”

Jaskier winces a little. “I would love to do that, the problem being that Dijkstra works closely with Tretogor’s court mage, who has the charming little talent of transforming into a bird whenever she wants.”

Yen’s eyebrows both go up this time. “Phillipa? She’s quite impressive. A little too entrenched in political intrigue for my taste, but I can’t deny she’s talented. Tissaia speaks very highly of her, certainly.”

She looks thoughtful as she gazes at him over the fire. “You’re worried she’s following you, then? For information on Geralt, since everyone knows Jaskier the Bard is the man to talk to if you want to know about Witchers.”

Her tone is…teasing? Is she teasing him? First hugging, and now teasing? Yeah, he’s not dealing with that right now. He sticks out his tongue at her (he does still have a bantering streak to uphold, after all) before nodding.

“I don’t know for sure  if she was in Oxenfurt when Geralt broke me out. I don’t think so, but I certainly wasn’t combing every tree for owls, and there’s no chance of me noticing her out here in the woods. I’m just hoping that if she were around now, you’d sense her, Yen, and that she wasn’t able to bring back anything about Ciri or Geralt or Kaer Morhen to Dijkstra. Or you, either, since the Brotherhood are so unhappy with you.”

Yen looks surprised and very slightly pleased to be included in Jaskier’s concern. Or at least Jaskier thinks that’s the expression he can parse under her normal very scary murder face, which he finds is almost a relief to see. The soft regret and concern of recent weeks has been…unsettling. The sun rises, the rain falls, Yennefer of Vengerberg is gorgeous, aloof, and terrifying. This is the natural order.

Geralt is wearing a pensive expression, frowning slightly at where Ciri lies, sleeping peacefully. Dear girl, Jaskier hopes she isn’t having any nightmares. She’s been through hell lately, and she’s always had trouble sleeping anyway. Jaskier wonders if he can find the name of that tea Mousesack used to give her to help her sleep. Jaskier even tried it once or twice, when winter nights in Cintra without his Witcher’s soft, even breaths became too much; the stuff worked wonders.

“Alright,” he says eventually, nodding. “I’ll see if I can go to Redania myself, and leave you two with Ciri until I can get back. We’ll keep our campsites warded if we can, Yen, I don’t want you to wear yourself out, but some protection would probably be best. Are you able to see if you can sense anyone from here, or do you need to go outside the wards?”

“I’ll do a lap around the area, but there’s a chance anyone who is out there will sense me as soon as I start casting about. It would be best if you all stayed here, to protect Ciri in case someone actually has come for her.”

“I don’t like any of us going out alone, Yen, especially with the express intention of seeking out danger. I should go with you.” Geralt makes to stand and grab his swords from beside his seat, but Yennefer waves him back down.

“You’d only distract me, and besides, do you want to leave the totally untrained sorceress and the normal human alone here?” Jaskier makes an affronted squawking noise.

“Hey! I’m plenty competent, thank you!” He prudently ignores the minor inaccuracy of his humanity, and instead huffs at the matching incredulous looks he receives. “Rude. Honestly, I get no respect around here. I survived just fine on my own for years, you know! Besides, I traveled with a reckless idiot Witcher for 20 years, you pick up more than you’d think.” He glares at them both until Yen smirks and Geralt looks baffled and vaguely offended, but at least they both look away, which is an improvement.

Until the two of them end up in a stare off, clearly having some sort of emphatic conversation with their eyes alone, and Jaskier has to turn away to start putting away the cooking supplies they won’t need for breakfast tomorrow. He’s warming up to Yennefer, much to his chagrin, but he’s had quite enough of watching the man he loves eyefuck someone else, for this lifetime and the next, thanks ever so.

He hears Geralt huff, a sound he recognizes as him realizing whoever he’s arguing with is just going to do as they please anyway, and he might as well make the best of it.

He made that sound at Jaskier a lot. Usually when he talked his way into coming along on hunts, but really any time Jaskier wanted something from him beyond some seared rabbit, a fire to sleep beside, and monosyllabic grunts in response to questions (if he was lucky)- a night at an inn, a stop at a local festival, an actual hot bath with herbs and flowers and scented oils. Arms to hold him on especially cold nights, when blankets weren’t enough to warm (mostly) human skin.

Jaskier used to think it was cute. A game, just for the two of them, Jaskier pushing, Geralt pulling, or the other way around, always meeting in the middle (or, more often, closer to Jaskier’s side) with what Jaskier had always assumed was mutual amusement and affection. He knows better now.

There’s the telltale swish of Yennefer’s skirts, a strange popping sensation in his ears, and then the feeling of the wards coming back up behind her.

The silencing spell around Ciri is still up, as far as he knows, and she’s dead to the world besides, so it’s just him and Geralt now.

It isn’t the first time they’ve been alone since Oxenfurt, but it is the first time since Jaskier was invited (by Ciri, it should be noted, not Geralt) to travel with them as a companion, not as backup.

That one still stings, if he’s honest. He held out hope for months that Geralt would come back for him, would seek him out with a stuttered apology (or more likely a silently offered ale and an invitation to come with him to his next hunt).  Maybe at a tavern, or the Seat of Friendship, or even a ball or musical competition where Jaskier was playing. He knows how much Geralt hates getting dressed up, how much it would have meant for him to go to that effort just to see Jaskier.

He imagined seeing him sitting silently in the back of one of his lectures one day, watching the lesson with quiet affection and waiting for him to be finished so they could talk. Imagined hearing the sound of Roach’s hooves coming up behind him on some backroad to nowhere while he strummed his lute in the sunshine.

He imagined a thousand different reunions, a thousand apologies, a thousand ways for them to turn back the clock. (During some of the longer nights, when he was alone in his rooms staring out at the moon through the window, wondering if Geralt was lying on his bedroll in a forest clearing somewhere staring up at the same moon, he imagined a thousand different love confessions. But he has no intention of admitting that to anyone but his own foolish heart. He may be a bard, and a hopeless romantic, but there’s no need to bare all of his weeping wounds, especially when there’s no hope of healing them.)

For all his daydreaming, he never imagined that Geralt would seek him out only when he needed an extra set of hands and all his other options were exhausted. Never imagined he would be not just a tool to be used, but the last resort as well.

He shouldn’t be surprised, after everything, but the knowledge that he was never really anything else to Geralt still aches like a broken rib, flashes of pain shooting through his chest with every inhale.

This is the first time they’ve been alone together without an immediate crisis, without a clearly defined mission beyond the open road, just like it used to be.

Except nothing like it used to be, because how it used to be is gone. It will never be that way again. Geralt burned those memories down, with words as sharp as swords and as destructive as dragon fire.

Jaskier has no fucking idea how to deal with this.

“Jas-“ Geralt cuts off and clears his throat. Jaskier can hear him gulping from his waterskin before trying again. “Jaskier.”

“Yes?” He tries to keep his voice light, but he doesn’t turn around.

“Jaskier, can we. Can we talk? Please?”

It’s the ‘please’ that does it. Geralt so rarely says please. Jaskier may need more than his fingers to count the times he’s heard it directed at him, but he can still remember each one in perfect clarity. Besides, they had more than 20 years together, “more than 10” is still not exactly a stellar ratio.

Jaskier’s resolve breaks (did he ever really have any? Has he ever had any when it comes to this man?) and he turns, schooling his face into something meant to look bright and open. He’s not sure how well it works. “Of course, Geralt. What’s on your mind?”

“I-“ Geralt looks…lost. He looks like he has absolutely no idea how to get where he’s going, and it’s killing him. Jaskier crumbles.

“You’ve already apologized, Geralt, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ve forgiven you. You were angry, you needed a target, I was there. It’s behind us.” He looks at the fire, for lack of anything else that isn’t Geralt’s stupid awful gorgeous face, wishing desperately he had his lute. He never felt awkward with his lute. Never rubbed anxious circles around his calluses for lack of anything to do with his hands. Never sat in a silence so painful he wondered if his ears would bleed.

Geralt lets out a breath like he’s trying to remember how. “That’s not. I mean it is. But. I. Fuck.” Jaskier looks up from the fire to see him scrubbing a hand through his hair in an uncharacteristic display of emotion. The adorable fool manages to get his hand tangled in the locks when he forgets about the band holding half of it back from his face.

“Oh for Melitele’s sake- stop moving, you lug, I’ll fix it. You’re going to tear it out in chunks if you keep pulling like that, just hold still, or I’ll have to rewrite all the songs to be about The Bald Wolf instead. Ye gods, Geralt, how did you survive without me? Honestly.” He’s across the cave and kneeling behind Geralt on the other side of the fire before he consciously registers the decision to move. Fucking hells, even his own body is against him.

He has his hands in Geralt’s (soft, silky, gorgeous) hair, untangling it gently from where it’s wound itself tightly around his (scarred, strong, beautiful) fingers. He thinks he hears Geralt’s breath catch, but he’s too distracted trying to keep his own lungs working at all to focus on it.

Once Geralt’s hand is free (and does Geralt seem as reluctant to let go and put his hand back in his lap as Jaskier is to let him?) Jaskier sets to work on the much more finicky task of removing the band without pulling half of Geralt’s hair out with it, which would honestly be a crime against…well, anyone with eyes really. Jaskier may be in love with him, but he’s also seen a truly exorbitant number of beautiful people across the continent, many of them naked, so he thinks he’s fairly qualified when he says that Geralt is one of the most singularly stunning people on the face of the earth, bias or not. Especially now that he seems to be taking better care of his hair than he used to when Jaskier wasn’t around.

Jaskier is actually rather shocked at how well-kept Geralt is. His hair is smooth and soft and clean, and smells like…is that apple blossom? That’s one of Jaskier’s favorite scents. It never fails to make him feel light and warm, like spring sunshine. He uses it in his own hair more often than the other oils he carries.

Back when washing Geralt’s hair for him was an occasional but deeply treasured privilege of his, Jaskier used to use it for him, as well. That Geralt has somehow, for some reason, gotten some of his own to use during their separation…it makes something warm and fragile stir in Jaskier’s chest. Warm and fragile and dangerous. Hope is easily crushed, and when it is, it takes everything else down with it. Jaskier isn’t doing that again. Not so soon.

He finishes detaching the tie as efficiently as he can, and hands it over Geralt’s shoulder before sitting back on his heels and exhaling violently.

“There you are darling, all fixed. Now,-“

“I didn’t.” Geralt interrupts him, whisper quiet but still somehow deafening over the crackling fire.

“What?”

“Survive without you. I didn’t. Or, I guess I should say I did, but that’s all I did.”

Jaskier has, for once, absolutely no idea what to say, so he tries something new, and says nothing. He’s barely even sure he’s breathing, staring at the back of Geralt’s head and all his moonlit hair like he’s staring into the jaws of a barghest as he waits to see if he will continue.

He does, words falling out of him in a rush like a river pouring through a broken dam, desperate in a way Jaskier has never heard him before.

“I knew I’d fucked up, on the mountain. As soon as the words were out of my mouth I knew it. It’s like. It’s like I was a bottle of juice, gone off, going ranker and ranker until the cork flies right out and takes someone’s eye out. I thought I was angry at Borch, at Yen, at Calanthe, at fucking Destiny, at everything. Even you, who hadn’t done one thing wrong. But really it was just me. I was just angry at myself, and there’s. There’s not. There isn’t anywhere for that kind of anger to go. It just builds up and up and up until it explodes, and you with it, and I knew I was going to let it out at someone. And then you were there, and you were trying to help. Like always. You always help. You make everything better, like you were just trying to make me feel better. But I was so angry, and it was all my fault, it was all my stupid selfish choices, the djinn, the wish, Ciri, all of it my fault, and I didn’t deserve to feel better. I didn’t deserve it and I had to make you stop and so. I did. I did it on purpose. I did it because I knew that was the thing to say that would hurt you the most. That would make me a monster like I know I am. Monsters are easy. Easier than mistakes and bad choices. So I made another bad choice and hurt someone else and decided to be a monster.”

There might be tears streaming down Jaskier’s face, but he can’t tell because he can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t hear anything but the rushing in his ears and Geralt’s voice ripping into him with savage, gentle claws.

“Once Yen was gone- It’s hard to think with her around, sometimes. It’s the wish, I think. Everything else gets duller, quieter, a little out of focus. Like in a dream when the only thing you can see clearly is the person you know the dream is about, the person you’re supposed to talk to.” Oh this…this is actually torture. Geralt might actually be killing him because he still can’t fucking breathe and he just keeps talking.

“It’s better now. Maybe it’s Ciri, my Destiny is split between them now so it’s not so overwhelming. Or maybe Ciri is her Destiny too, and now that we’ll always have her, the both of us, the wish doesn’t need to force us to be in love for us to stay nearby. I don’t know. It’s easier now, though. And even easier when you’re here.”

Wait, what? Now Jaskier knows he’s dead, or dying, or hallucinating, or something, because there’s no way that means what he wants it to mean.

“After Yen left, my head started to clear. Things came back into focus. I realized what I’d done, but suddenly I could also see that it wasn’t just what I yelled at you. It was so much more, so much deeper. I had been so awful to you, for so long, and you just. Took it. All of it. Everything I had, all my anger and my fear and my loneliness. You just let me. You always came back. You kept choosing me, even when I was cruel. I was ashamed, but I also thought…” He breaks off with a great shuddering breath, his head hanging.

Jaskier feels a little like he’s floating. Like he can see his body, kneeling there in the dirt behind Geralt, staring at his sculpted shoulderblades with a blind, devastated look on his tear-streaked face. How odd.

Geralt, somehow, impossibly, keeps going. This is more words than Jaskier has heard him say in the last two decades. This is more words than he knew Geralt was capable of saying. Where are all these words coming from?

It’s like all this time, he had been saving these. Stockpiling them, though for what Jaskier can’t begin to guess. A rainy day? An emergency? This? And now the doors of the granary have come loose and the winter stores are flooding the yard and Jaskier thinks he might end up buried alive.

“I thought you’d come back.” Geralt’s voice is thicker, somehow, and oh, gods, is he crying? “I thought you would come back, like before, like always, and it would be ok. And I would try to be better. I would try to be the man you thought I was. And it would be ok. But you-“ He cuts off with another great shuddering breath, and seems to center himself. “You didn’t come back. And that’s when I realized I had finally gone too far.”

Jaskier has been trying to process all of these many, many, many, mostly incomprehensible words, and he’s maybe fallen a little bit behind, because he hears himself cut in with an incredulous “Wait, are you saying that every time you were rude or dismissive to me, it wasn’t just because you don’t know how to conduct yourself in a normal friendship because you’ve never had one, but actually because you knew you were being cruel and you knew you could get away with it because I would always come back?”

Geralt’s head hangs even lower, and Jaskier has to strain to hear his gravelly whispered reply.

“Yes. Maybe not consciously, or in so many words, but yes.”

Jaskier flounders for a moment, wounds he spent the last year trying to close tearing back open even wider than before.

“All this time? You thought so little of me, all this time? I was just a- a- a practice dummy? Something that won’t fight back or feel pain, so you can hit it has hard or as many times as you want?” His voice began at a whisper, to match Geralt’s, but has gotten steadily louder and more tear-filled the more he speaks.

“No, that isn’t-“

“I can’t- I’m not- I need a moment. Please, Geralt I need- Please.” He can’t keep sitting this close to him, feeling his body heat just as warm as the fire he’s blocking Jaskier from, can’t keep listening to his low rumbling voice, like thunder and gravel and home, like a silver sword through the midsection. Not when the pain and the anger and the hope are all bleeding together and he doesn’t know how to feel them properly and he still can’t fucking breathe.

Geralt’s breath hitches, a tiny little wisp of sound, and Jaskier is going to fucking lose it.

“Please, Geralt.” It comes out in a broken whisper, which is more revealing than Jaskier was hoping, but it’s not like he’s managed to hide anything anyway, so it hardly matters.

Geralt nods, back still to Jaskier in front of the fire, and stands smoothly to walk over to a corner near the entrance, where he can see all four bedrolls and the cave mouth clearly. Ready to protect. Always ready to defend. He sinks to his knees and his breathing takes on the familiar cadence of meditation.

Jaskier takes a moment to look at him. At the way his hands are clutched a little tighter on his thighs than they normally would be while he mediates, like he hasn’t managed to purge all the fear from his body the way he has his mind. At the new scars he can see on his forearms and one snaking over his collarbone, scars that Jaskier wasn’t there to bandage and fuss over. At the way his hair spills over his shoulders, still tousled from Jaskier’s fingers. At the single tear track carving a path down one marble cheek.

Jaskier sucks in a breath and turns away before he breaks down and Yen comes back to find him catatonic on the ground.

He ends up standing at the mouth of the cave, stroking New Roach’s neck and petting his hands through her glossy mane gently. Her slow breathing and the familiar warm, earthy smell of horse help ground him, bring him back from that awful frantic-floating feeling, where he was nowhere and trapped all at once.

He chatters to her quietly, just like he did to her predecessor. She, at least, warms up to him much more quickly.

A warm, black nose thumps gently into his chest. “Yes, my love, I know I need to protect my heart. I’m trying! Can’t you see how hard I’m trying?” She nickers softly, more of a puff of breath than a proper sound.

“Well aren’t we feeling smug this evening, sweet thing.” Another thump. “It’s alright darling, I don’t blame you. I think I’m ridiculous, too. I just don’t know how to fix it.” He strokes a hand down her forehead, scritching lightly.

“No, me either. You know what the problem is, don’t you?” She lips at his hair, which he takes as an invitation to continue.

His voice is even quieter now, the barest thread of a whisper, quiet enough that even Geralt might not overhear if he comes out of meditation. “The problem is that I’ve spent all this time coming up with plans and strategies and contingencies for not giving my heart away again, when the truth is I don’t think I ever got it back in the first place.”

He rests his forehead against hers in defeat, tears falling silently again. He’s going to dehydrate at this point, but what does he care when he has a beautiful lady providing him such warm, solid comfort right here?

“I have to say, songbird, this is not what I expected to find when I came back tonight.”

Jaskier does not flail. He is a professional performer, he has immaculate control over his body at all times. And he definitely doesn’t squeak, no bard would ever be caught dead making such an undignified noise unintentionally.

So no, he neither flails nor squeaks, and if New Roach gets very slightly spooked and a lot disgruntled, it was from Yennefer sneaking up out of bloody nowhere like a wraith in the night, and certainly nothing Jaskier did. If either of them say different, they’re lying.

“Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Is this your plan to kill me and make it look like an accident? I’ll tell Ciri, she’ll come after you with her dagger, see if she doesn’t. Ciri likes me. Ciri would avenge me.” He’s  clutching his chest, heartbeat gradually beginning to slow.

New Roach is still giving him a dubious look. That’s rude, this is hardly his fault. It’s Yen she should be grumpy with.

“Well, I was rather hoping that by this point in the evening, you wouldn’t need a miniature Witcherling-sorceress to defend you, since you’d have your big strong Witcher back, but somehow things seem to have gotten worse in my absence. Did he not manage to tell you his real feelings? Bloody Witchers, trust him to be resistant to my recipe, it’s never bloody failed before, if he’s made this worse somehow I’m going to bloody dissect him to figure out where I went wrong-“ She continues muttering darkly while Jaskier stares at her in shock.

His mind is valiantly trying to shake off enough of the lingering fog of tears to pull some of those threads together and figure out what the fuck she’s talking about.

Recipe? Real feelings? Make what worse? Did she…did she dose him with something? Did she put a fucking spell on his Witcher? He might have to have Ciri stab her after all, since he has no illusions about his own abilities to take her in a fight.

“What the fuck are you talking about, witch? What did you give him? What the fuck did you do? I’ll kill you myself you vicious little shrew, see if I don’t!”

She waves a hand dismissively, scoffing at his threats. Admittedly he is not at his best, though in his defense it’s hard to adopt a proper fighting stance when you’ve just spent half an hour kneeling in the dirt while your still-beating heart was slowly diced into bite-sized pieces. Tough on the knees, you know.

“Please, you should be thanking me. It was fucking exhausting, these last few weeks, watching you two throw longing glances back and forth when you think no one’s looking. I’m just trying to help things along.”

“Help- what? What things? Help things along how?” He’s trying very hard to hold onto his righteous anger at her for (possibly?) drugging the man he loves, but she keeps saying things that dredge up that dangerous warm feeling from before, and he’s losing his resolve.

“Nothing sinister, songbird. I’m done with that, I’m on the side of the White Knights now, remember? Have a little faith in me, for Lilit’s sake.” She rolls her eyes, but either he’s getting better at reading her or she’s making an effort to be easier to read, because he can feel the sincerity in her words. “We both know all that nonsense about Witchers not feeling is horseshit, yes?” He nods. Obviously it is, Geralt feels more deeply than anyone he’s ever met. “But I know you also understand how much he struggles to make sense of what he’s feeling, or to make himself heard when he does.”

She’s right about that, too. Jaskier knows the emotions are there, has always known, since the moment he saw Geralt in that tavern in Posada. But he’s watched Geralt get lost in the tangle of feelings inside him so thoroughly that all the words get stuck and nothing comes out. He’s seen it happen hundreds of times. That’s part of why he’s always wanted to badly to sing about him, to tell the world what Geralt can’t, to be the words when he can’t find them.

Yen gestures to the corner where Geralt is still meditating peacefully. “I didn’t do anything to his feelings. Couldn’t if I tried, that’s not really how my magic works, anyway. But I knew there are things he’s been wanting to say, and he’s been suffering for not knowing how. And as antagonistic as we may be, I don’t actually hate you nearly so much these days, and I find myself discomfited by your very obvious pining, as well.” Well, that’s…actually quite sweet. And rather disquieting, if he’s honest.

“So I gave him something to help him articulate himself. It won’t make him say anything he doesn’t want to, won’t force him to reveal any truths against his will or create any feelings that weren’t already there. It just…smooths the way. Untangles all those knots in his head so something coherent can make it out of his mouth. But you two aren’t cuddled up by the fire making me want to vomit, which means it didn’t fucking work, and I have to figure out why!” She looks rather like she would huff and stomp her foot at this, if the great and powerful Yennefer of Vengerberg would ever stoop to something so childish.

Jaskier thinks very hard about the last hour or so of his life. He thinks about Geralt saying “please,” and he thinks about the way all those words fell out of him and just kept coming and coming and coming, like a pot boiling over, piling up in a heap at Jaskier’s feet. He thinks about Geralt crying.

“Well- uh. Hmm. You know, it occurs to me now- it’s funny really, I think you’ll laugh, definitely laugh, not look at me with that petrifying glare you’ve got on right now, no you’ll be laughing I’m quite sure- Alright, yes, ok! Yes! Right, well, um. I think, looking at recent events, fresh eyes and all that you know- I’m just saying, it would have been helpful to have some of this information going in, is all- Ow! Melitele’s tits, that hurt! Do those nails come standard at Aretuza, or were you just born lucky? Ouch! Ok, ok, stop pinching me, witch! Like I was saying, with the benefit of this new information, I think it’s possible your magical intervention whosit thingy may have worked exactly as expected?”

She narrows her eyes. “If it worked, why are you crying to a horse instead of snuggling with your man?” His man. That can’t be right. Can it? Geralt isn’t his. Except. Except for all the things he sounded like he might be gearing up to say when Jaskier cut him off. Fuck.

“I, uh. I maybe. I maybe stopped him partway through and told him I needed a break?” He winces back as her already truly impressive glare intensifies even further- yep, she’s still got it.

“I did not go to all the effort of brewing that fucking potion, tailoring it for Witcher metabolisms, and making it fucking tasteless and odorless so he would drink it, not to mention standing out here in the fucking woods in the middle of the night with nothing to fucking do, just so you could chicken out halfway through getting everything you ever fucking wanted.” Her eyes are glowing violet now, which is. Wow. Scary. She’s so scary. He remembers now why he always thought she was so so scary. She jabs her finger towards the kneeling figure by the wall. “Get the fuck back in there and finish the damn conversation, bard,” she hisses. “I will not deal with this bullshit all the way to the Redanian border.”

She turns to leave again, and Jaskier shoots out a hand to stop her. She looks at his hand on her elbow and he briefly worries he’s going to end the night as a slug of some kind, but she just looks up at him questioningly.

“I just. Fuck. I know- I know this probably wasn’t easy for you. You know I know better than most what you’re feeling right now. But you’re helping anyway, so. Thank you, Yennefer. Even if it doesn’t go like you think, like I hope, you were willing to try even though it hurts, so thank you.” He isn’t sure what his face is doing, but he hopes she can see how genuinely grateful he is.

She smiles a little sadly. “Come on, songbird, We both know he was never really mine. And besides, I’m not the settling down type. Now go, don’t make me curse you.” She shoots him what would be a very passable glare if it weren’t for the slight glimmer of tears in her eyes, then spins on her heel and stalks off into the night.

He turns back to the cave, hesitating for a single moment before there’s an irritated huff, a nip to the sleeve of his jacket, and a frankly unnecessarily forceful shove to his back. He glares back at Roach, who seems unperturbed. “I’ve got entirely too many black-haired gorgeous women trying to run my life right now, do you hear me? Too many!” Roach huffs again. “Fine. I’m going, are you happy?” He takes another step and looks over his shoulder. She looks smug. Of course she does. “I think you’re just the old Roach reincarnated. Never seen another horse look so damn satisfied with herself,” he mutters, but he’s already heading back into the cave, so he figures she’s won this round.

He feels slightly guilty about grabbing Geralt’s waterskin before going to him, but he isn’t sure how long Yen’s potion lasts, or if meditating will have burned more of it off. Maybe it’s disingenuous to give him more without telling him what’s in it, but, weirdly, he trusts Yen when she says it won’t force Geralt to do or say anything he doesn’t want to, and Jaskier isn’t sure he’ll ever get to hear the words otherwise. He’ll tell him afterwards. He won’t keep this secret forever.

He sits down quietly next to Geralt, leaning up against the wall of the cave. He takes one deep breath, then another, and another. He rests his fingers gently on Geralt’s hand where it sits on his thigh. Geralt’s breathing gradually picks up until he’s back to almost his normal, slow rhythm. His eyes open, landing on Jaskier’s hand on his and following the line of his arm back up to his face.

Jaskier hands him the waterskin, and Geralt takes it with a nod of gratitude before taking a long drink. “I’m alright now,” Jaskier says. “I’m sorry I stopped you.

Geralt searches his face, eyes searching Jaskier’s for signs of dishonesty. Apparently finding none, he nods slightly, golden eyes closing again for a moment. When they open, he’s not looking at Jaskier any longer.

Jaskier looks at his hand, fingertips still resting ever so lightly on Geralt’s palm, and considers taking it back. He thinks about what Geralt has told him so far tonight, about the conviction in Yen’s voice when she insisted Geralt had feelings for him. Fuck it, he decides, and lays his hand more firmly in Geralt’s, lacing their fingers together. Geralt draws in a sharp breath and looks up at him in shock, but he doesn’t pull away. Instead, he grips Jaskier’s hand tighter, like he’s worried Jaskier is going to try to run.

“I know you,” Jaskier says slowly. “I’ve known you for more than half my life, and I know that you aren’t cruel, or callous, or unkind. I know that there is always a reason behind the things you say, and the things you do, even if no one else can see it.” He swallows hard, closing his eyes briefly. Geralt squeezes his hand lightly, which…helps, actually. It helps a lot. “I’m sorry I accused you of hurting me on purpose, for the sake of causing me pain. I was overwhelmed and having trouble processing things, but I shouldn’t have jumped to a conclusion I know wasn’t true. If you still want to talk, I’m ready to listen now.”

“It wasn’t an illogical conclusion to draw. And it wasn’t even completely wrong.” His voice is calmer than before, measured and even. Not as frantic. The river is still flowing free, but it’s calmed, no longer the violent rush of a broken dam. He sighs, a great, world-weary thing. “It was because you’re safe.” Jaskier looks at him quizzically.

Geralt draws in another deep breath before continuing. “I can’t ever show emotion. Not to humans. Not anger, or fear, or sometimes even joy. The myths about Witchers not having feelings…they aren’t just vicious rumors made up by bigots. They’re there to protect us. From them.”

Jaskier frowns. “You mean Witchers put that rumor out yourselves? But why?” Surely demonstrating how human Witchers really are can only help matters, right?

“In a way.” Geralt tilts his head in the way Jaskier knows means he’s remembering something long past. “It’s part of how we’re trained. We’re taught to suppress emotion, to hide it from everyone, including ourselves. It’s how we’ve done things for 400 years.” His thumb sweeps little arcs across the back of Jaskier’s hand, and Jaskier’s heart trips in his chest. He knows Geralt can probably hear it, but it must not worry him and he keeps talking.

“The first Witchers were experiments. Men twisted by mages hoping to combat the monsters that plagued the world. The process has been…refined, since then. At first, they really were- well. More monster than man.” Geralt tips his head back against the rock wall. “Humans were terrified of them. One and all, right down to their bones. The first Witchers didn’t take contracts, because no humans would even speak with them. They just wandered around until they found a monster to kill, and then moved on to the next. Eventually, people started to realize that Witchers were only killing monsters, and leaving humans be, so they slowly started reaching out for help.”

“Ungrateful sods, the lot of them,” Jaskier mutters, and hears Geralt’s quiet huff of laughter in response.

“You’re. You’re so special, do you know that?” Jaskier jerks his head up in surprise to see Geralt’s eyes on his face, liquid gold lit like sunrise by the light of the fire, a tiny smile playing around his lips. “You’ve never been afraid of me. Not once. Not even when the only things you knew about me were that I scowled a lot and I had two very scary swords.” Jaskier flushes at the reminder of the babble that spilled out of his mouth the moment he laid eyes on the single most attractive person he had ever seen in his 18 years of life.

He drops his eyes, knowing there’s no hiding the blush on his cheeks but ignoring it as hard as he can anyway. “What’s there to be scared of? You’re a puppy, not a wolf.” He expects a grumble, or a glare, or for Geralt to ignore him completely. Certainly not the bark of laughter that would have woken Ciri were it not for Yen’s charm. He stares at Geralt’s face, firelight flickering over pale skin, honest joy written in the curve of his mouth, and grins back helplessly.

“You’re the only one who’s ever thought that. Except maybe Eskel.” He laughs again, more quietly this time, then sobers slightly. “Humans are afraid of us. They always have been. Less now, since you,” he squeezes Jaskier’s hand again and Jaskier flushes even darker, “but the first Witchers were barely more than feral, and that impression…stuck. Humanity never got past it. Even when new generations of Witchers were made, when we became something closer to men than to monsters, their fear never went away. Any emotion, even the faintest irritation, was enough to make most humans think a Witcher was about to go berserk, to start tearing out the throats of anyone who got too close. So, we learned to shut them down.”

His eyes are downcast now, and Jaskier thinks of a tiny Geralt, just a boy, younger than Ciri, excited about the world, curious and clever and mischievous, thinks about him learning to hide his heart away until even he couldn’t find it anymore, and he wants to scream. He wants to cry, he wants to rage, he wants to find every human who ever judged a Witcher by his eyes and not his deeds and mount their heads on spikes. He wants to tear out their hearts and make them watch as he throws them on the pyre, burning them out like so many boys were made to burn out their own.

Geralt can smell his turmoil, he knows, and he clings to the comfort offered when he holds Jaskier’s hand as tightly as he can without hurting him, still tracing circles into his skin with his thumb.

“It isn’t safe, to have feelings. Humans may spit on a mutant with a heart of stone, but they’ll hunt and kill a monster with teeth they think will harm them. It’s safer to be cold, to be hard. To let all of it roll off of us like snow off a mountain. And after a while, you forget how to be anything else. You forget that it’s a lie, that it’s something you had to learn. You start to believe it too.” There are tears dripping off of Jaskier’s nose now, but he doesn’t dare interrupt again. “I had forgotten, until you.”

He looks at Jaskier with such naked feeling in his fiery eyes that Jaskier can’t fathom how anyone could believe this man has no heart. “You made me feel. You walked into my life and just-“ He huffs another low laugh, the faraway look on his face impossibly fond. “You just didn’t listen to a fucking thing I said. Ever! Not once! And it drove me up the godsdamned wall. I was going out of my mind, I was so fucking annoyed. You never stopped talking, or singing, or playing that damn lute, you never stayed out of the way on hunts like I told you to, you ignored me whenever I said I didn’t have feelings or I didn’t need anyone or we weren’t friends. And you wouldn’t leave! You just kept coming back, no matter how much of an arse I was, even when I acted in ways that would have made other humans shit themselves, or come after me with torches and pitchforks, or both. You just kept coming back, and you kept not believing me when I told you I was a monster, and you never smelled fucking afraid, and after a while I realized that irritated wasn’t the only thing you made me feel anymore.”

He seems to withdraw into himself a little, his shoulders hunching and his head hanging slightly. He tries to withdraw his hand, but Jaskier isn’t sure he can get through this conversation without it, so he hopes Geralt will forgive him for pushing yet more boundaries and simply holds onto him tighter.

Geralt sighs again, but stops pulling away. “But there’s still so much shit in the world. There are so many humans who hate me, or fear me, or try to cheat me, or who end up being monsters worse than the ones they want me to kill, and the problem with having it smacked over my head that I do actually have feelings, is that it makes it so much harder to ignore them. And there’s so much anger in me, Jaskier, and grief, and loneliness. And I can’t ever show it to anyone, or it will confirm everything they think they know about me. It will make me a monster. It will make me the Butcher all over again.” He looks up again, his expression anguished. “You’re the only one who’s safe. You’re the only one I can be angry around, or sad, or scared, or just annoyed, without thinking the worst of me. You’re the only one who ever comes back.”

Jaskier is back to feeling like his heart is being fed through a sieve, but he thinks he understands what Geralt is trying to say this time. He feels a renewed rush of guilt for assuming the worst of him before. Is he any better than the rest, jumping to the foulest possible conclusion while Geralt wrestles with his tongue to try and make him understand? He turns his head away, closing his eyes against the tears and trying to breathe through the shame.

Fingers grip his chin gently and coax his head back until he’s looking into Geralt’s slitted eyes again. The look on his face is so soft, so open, that Jaskier feels like his ribs are being pried apart at the sight of it. “You have no idea how much of a blessing you have actually been in my life, Jaskier,” and those words just crack his chest wide open and bare his heart to the whole room, don’t they? “I took advantage of you. I wanted so badly to have someone in my life I could show all the darkest parts of myself to, without them running away, that I forgot to show you the rest. And I forgot to help carry your darkness in return. I left you with such a burden, Jaskier, and you never once complained or asked me to help. You have done nothing but give, for as long as I’ve known you, and I wish I could show you how sorry I am that I was content for so long just to take.” Jaskier is pretty sure he’s openly sobbing now, but Geralt is sliding his hand up from his chin to cup his cheek, sweeping the tears away with his thumb, so it’s probably ok.

“Let me make it up to you, Jaskier. Let me be the one to give to you for once. Let me carry your burdens for a while. Let me give you a reason to forgive me. A reason to come back.” His eyes are pools of molten gold, wide and dark and shining with- emotion. An emotion. Jaskier isn’t going to hazard a guess at which emotion, because he isn’t sure he can handle the answer.

“I’ve already forgiven you, you great lummox. For all of it. A safe place is all I ever wanted to be for you. I only ever wanted to give you a home. Like you gave me. Just- just share it with me next time, please? The anger, or the fear? Share it with me first, instead of letting it fester and burn us both. That’s all I need from you.”

Geralt’s hand on his cheek guides him forward until their faces are inches from each other, foreheads resting together. Jaskier’s eyes want to close but he can’t bear to look away, too afraid this is all an impossible dream that will disappear as soon as he opens them again. He can see the way the firelight glimmers off his silver hair, the scars through his eyebrow, the tears clinging to his eyelashes as they sweep gently over his cheeks. He’s never seen anything so beautiful in his life.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever deserved you, but I would do anything for the chance to try to be someone who does. I’m yours, Jaskier. You need only say you’ll have me.”

Jaskier is a man of words. He’s a bard, words are his trade, his weapons, the blood in his veins. No matter what else is happening around him, no matter what he has or what he’s lost or what needs to be done, there are always words ready to spring forth from him like water from a spigot. He has never, in all his life, been out of words.

Until now.

Fuck it.

Geralt’s lips are softer than he imagined, given that his skincare routine seems to consist primarily of monster innards. But they’re soft and they’re warm and they move so gently against Jaskier’s that he thinks he might simply melt into a puddle, to be absorbed into the earth and never seen again. The kiss is tender, and sweet, and longing, and not at all how he imagined his first kiss with Geralt would be. It’s perfect. Jaskier breaks it with a watery laugh, keeping his forehead pressed to Geralt’s.

Somehow his free hand has found its way back into Geralt’s silky hair, and he threads his fingers deeper into the moonlit locks and hopes he’ll never have to let go.

“You’re mine?” He knows he sounds a little pleading, disbelief coloring his tone, but he can’t help it. He’s had this dream so many times, he needs to be sure it’s real this time. “Really?”

“Really, little lark.” Geralt is smiling just as wide as Jaskier is, his cheeks just as damp. “I’ve always been yours, I was just too stupid to admit it. I won’t make that mistake again. I love you. I’ll never leave you behind again, not for the rest of your life, if you’ll let me.”

And, oh, there’s a conversation they should maybe have, because after all the revelations of tonight, Jaskier is fairly sure Geralt thinks he’s completely human, and is probably in pain over his supposed mortality. At some point before they go to sleep Jaskier will mention it, because apparently Geralt hasn’t noticed that his face hasn’t changed a lick in 25 years, the stubble he wears these days notwithstanding.

Because Geralt is a ridiculous, incredible, oblivious, stupid, wonderful fool, and Jaskier loves him so much he can hardly breathe. So he tells him so. The rest can wait.

#the witcher #twn #geraskier #geralt of rivia #jaskier #dandelion #julian alfred pankratz #yennefer of vengerberg #cirilla fiona elen riannon #the witcher fanfiction #my writing #i'll do the same with sleep now eventually i think but i want to finish it first

[by-glass-and-waves]

I like the idea of each of my three AU/fanfic ideas having a slightly different Narinder, slightly different Lamb(?)

or at least I hope they're distinct enough, Depression Quest and Courtship Lamb may be similar, but it doesn't make sense for moody trainwreck Courtship!Narinder to swap with dumbass trainwreck Restart!Narinder. Maybe he could switch with Restart!TOWW lmao

I'm gonna write some notes - which might change - on the pair/story for each AU because god knows if/when I'll actually write Depression Quest or Restart, at least we have some shitty doodles right

i promise i am working on Courtship i have done the Spongebob

THE

so far

... actually I'm nervous posting this fml sorry guys who are looking for delicious Courtship/Restart goodies

spoilers ahead for my Depression Quest AU/fic/whatever it is if spoilers for a nonexistent work matter to youwu. I'll blob a hopefully readable version of what story beats I had and link the two posts whenever it happens

ALSO CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING SI/HI/THOUGHTS+ACTIONS OF HARMING SELF AND OTHERS/DEPRESSION

Depression Quest:

Lamb (she/they, mostly they)

poor babby beat down by the world and killed by the Bishops

gets the Red Crown and starts mowing them down with glee

they're a good leader, they're saving the Lands of the Old Faith from the Bishops, the Cult loves them

and it looks like The One Who Waits is as just as shitty as the others, can't have that, they are way better than he could ever be

so maybe they get a little too power happy and go a little too hard on the whole heroic leader thing

when he is conquered, TOWW is seen as nothing more than a trophy, a piece of property just like the Crowns surrounding his house

they act merciful, but Narinder knows it's just to make him submit, knows that they're just as power-hungry as he was

they let him run away because they'll always know where he is, and they want to see what happens/how long it takes before he crawls back to them

Narinder

finally gets revengeance on his family who threw him in jail, gets released from his prison just to get beat up and thrown into a gilded cage

he is depressed. he is angry. he has nothing left

I'm talking SI/HI, self-harm, screaming and breaking things, pushing Baal and Aym away, and crying on the floor breakdown shit

resists for a long time but eventually starts integrating into the Cult, only to get betrayed by a jealous follower

Narinder has a breakdown because he was stupid enough to think things would be better, so he runs away from the Cult

he encounters Ratoo and they bond over loss :'( but just like Ratoo, he never quite gets over things :(((((((

Ratoo might be the only person he'd call a friend/someone he trusts

addendum: narinder's third eye: he keeps it closed like in canon but technically he can open it, just really difficult and it fucking hurts to do it anyway

over time he gets a little strength to open it for short amounts of time but it still hurt

there's a few times when he gets angried or whatever when he accidentally attempts to open it and he goes OH FUCK OW and maybe it'll set his head straight

Depression Quest may have a bittersweet ending in which the Bishops return and were able to Get Over It™ in the Afterlife due to their actual support network, but I don't know tbh

I do know if they did return/if Narinder meets them again somehow, it'd just be like, sad, guarded, they'll reconcile but it's not the same kind of relationship deal

When I first came up with Depression Quest in September I was like, maybe Lamb is just protecting the baby and won't push him or anything because they love him and stuff

then as time passed I was like okay that's complete and utter bullshit and besides, Narinder is so consumed with his losses there is no way he could into a relationship in the near future. Sometimes people just can't move on :(

I also don't know how the Narinder/Ratoo friendshit even happened guys, it was just the idea of Narinder walking into Ratoo's heart pond and going "what the fuck are you doing" and things went from there

#cult of the lamb #cotl #cotl narinder #cotl lamb #fanfic notes #cotl the one who waits #cotl depression quest #tw sui ideation #tw homicidal ideation #tw self destructive behavior #cw sui ideation #cw self destruction #tw depression #cw depression #cotl ratoo #the ratoo/narinder friendship is the most important thing to come out of depression quest #fucking fight me #AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE MY SKETCHBOOK WITH THEIR INTERACTIONS IS #FUCK MY LIFE #i think it took half an hour before i clicked the “add to queue” button

[ladyddanger]

c!karlnapity..??? for writing thing🧍🧍

Ofc cee. I went a little crazy lmao but I wanted it to be special

My dear beloveds - lost letters of the smp. RPG Au.

QUEST: spy for dream. Objective: sneak into Quackity’s office and find plans for his casino’s grand opening.

(Just as you’re about to give up looking you spot a small trash can almost hidden behind one of the huge bookshelves. You walk over and dig through it. Under piles and piles of old building permits, diet Coke cans and cigarettes butts you find a letter. It catches your eye because of how crumpled it is, as if Quackity balled it up with as much force as possible. You reach down and pull it out.)

[ITEAM DESCRIPTION]

You are holding what looks like a letter. It’s been crumpled up and there are tiny holes all over it. As you carefully smooth it out you see the ink has smeared slightly on the cream colored paper along with what looks almost like blood. Several words and sentences are angrily crossed out making dozens of small rips the paper. Still it’s readable. This is not what Dream is looking for but it could give you more insight into Quackity as a person or maybe even give you blackmail. Quackity will be back any moment. You could read the letter, maybe get more favor with Dream and risk Quackity catching you or get what Dream asked for and get out of here never knowing what the letter says.

[READ THE LETTER?]

[YES] [NO]

<This action will have consequences>

[YES]

(You open the letter and start to read)

Dear Sapnap and Karl

Today they played Here Comes The Sun on the radio and I thought of you. Remember dancing to that song in our tiny kitchen? I can’t ever remember being really happy before that. Every other moment is dull compared. It hurt being that happy. It felt like I was burning. I could have died and gone to hell and I would have been smiling. I wish you would tell me what I did wrong. That’s not the point of this letter, I just thought you would like know. I know you both loved that song. Consider it a peace offering to deal with this like the adults we all are.

Sorry for, forgive my rambling I’m not used to writing letters to two people at once. So deal me and my mess one final time because after this you won’t have to anymore. It’s been twelve weeks since we last talked. Not that I’m counting. I just checked.

Right now.

I have a calendar by my desk you know.

Anyway I assumed you both would want your stuff back. This letter will be taped to a package. Inclosed in the package you will find our your wedding rings. They were very expensive and I imagine you would want them.

Don’t worry I cleaned them. Sapnap that dent on yours is from when we where play fighting you bit my ring by mistake. Karl that K on yours is the one you carved into it. You made one in Sapnap’s too. So yeah I didn’t mess with them trust me. Or don’t. Sue me if you want but I’ll take you to court and I’m a very rich man now.

Sorry I didn’t mean that. And not just because threatening to sue looks bad In court. There’s a lawyer tip for you Sapnap! For that magic day you keep claiming is close. You know that one day when you kick those kids off our YOUR lawn and sue them for trespassing instead of feeding them and making sure they’re safe from mobs.

Karl. In this package you also will find your hoodies that I stole and refused to give back because they where big and comfortable. And they did look better on me by the way.

Be careful when you open this package please. (Even though I know Sapnap has probably already ripped it up by now.), some of its items are very delicate, I bought you guys some things for the wedding and it was too late to return them. So. I hope you enjoy. I would ask you to be careful again but I’m sure Sapnap tore through the package the moment he realized he was getting presents.

One more thing and then I’m done I swear. Fuck you both I’m sorry I wasn’t what you wanted Karl but in my defense I tried to tell you who I was and you wouldn’t listen. And honestly it’s not my fault you refused to listen. I am a murder. Your were right about me. But you knew that already. And Sapnap. I don’t blame you for choosing him. Really.

Sapnap if you still want something to do with me you are always welcome. Under everything else you will find a flyer for Las Nevadas. Visit anytime. Karl can go fuck himself. Is not welcome.

I don’t have anything I need back in your place so you can throw it away. Or keep it. Or send it back. I don’t care honestly.

Yeah so this is it. Goodbye. I heard a song and thought of you and I don’t now how long that’ll happened.

It scares me.

I will miss you for the rest of my life.

-Yours

-President

-Quackity

#hope you liked it! #rpg au #letters of the smp #c!quackity #c!sapnap #c!karl #c!karlnapity #c!karlnapityblr #karlnapityblr #quackblr

[saturnsorbits]

ahhhh Saturn~~ o/ ♥

I have been meaning to send this for so long, but every time I feel horrible about just word vomitting in your ask box, but like. If I don't tell you you will never know, and it's a crime if I don't at least let you have an inkling of just how much I fucking love your stuff. I have been trying to leave comments in the tags when I reblog but I'm terrible at really going at it there. At the end of the day, I'm more of a 'send an ask and bury 'em in nonsense' kinda gal.

Apologies if this is more disjointed than usual, as they have been written at different times and saved for whenever I had the energy and emotional intelligence required to cobble them together into something intelligible (I have given up on that and am settling for having the energy to make them readable enough, enjoy lol).

Study Date - So, after Born to Bail, I knew I wanted more of your Sero. So I saved this one to read when I was in the headspace for some good threesome fun and man, did it deliver. I loved how you set the scene. The easy conversation and banter between the three really conveyed the type of relationship they have, how close they truly are. It all felt so natural and so right, made it easy to imagine being there, talking to them. I laughed at them taking digs at Bakugo and Kirishima, and just as casually moving from there to "let's bang". How easily Sero takes control of the situation and initiates everything is HOT AS FUCK. And Kaminari being all shy and submissive was SO FUCKING GOOD. Kaminari coming too soon? Inside of reader? From being fucked in the ass by Sero? You pulled all the fucking stops, Saturn. And I loved it.

Blue Lines - So, I'm not one for pregnancy fics. So I was gonna skip this one. But it was yours and I saw the first line and was like, "that sounds like Bakugo alright." And like. I'm so glad I did? I loved it. It was so… I don't know how to put it. As someone who doesn't want children, and who has her own history with the whole thing… The way you went about this felt so real, so relatable. I can hear not just Bakugo in your fic, but also a version of myself, and that's a very special feeling. So thank you for this one. Also, love the idea of older Bakugo doing an impression of his mom to mock her lmao.

Hand Prints - I don't know if by the time I send this you will still have this one up or not. But I just want you to know, I read it at the time and I felt it. It made me think and cry, but not in a necessarily bad way, I think. I just wanted you to know that. I didn't reblog it at the time because it felt invasive to do so -- like it was a private thing I was lucky enough to get to read, but I had no right to spread around. I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not, but I wanted you to know.

Bouquet - jsdfkljsklfdjflksdjsfdkljsdklfjfsdkljsdklajflkjfkljsdklfjnlsdff. SATURN WHAT. THIS. I FUCKING LOVED THIS. Like. The way Bakugo talks to us. So familiar and loving right off the bat. IDK what it is about how you writing, but I can feel his affection-- And now I want to reread it. So I am gonna save the commentary until I am done because I feel like I want to say so much about this and this message is already long enough. (will group it with Union, for the same reasons, which, btw, I ALSO FUCKING LOVED ♥)

Ahhhhhhhh. I'm sorry this is so long. /)_(\ Once again, Saturn, thank you so much for writing such wonderful stories and sharing them with us. ♥

Hope you have a lovely day and rest of the week~

Tiph, I have been staring at this since I noticed it this morning bc honestly, this has made my entire month. I really can’t thank you enough 💕

I adore that you like my Sero. Honestly, he’s one of my favourite people to write and I love that he’s kind of taken on his own persona through everything I write for him now!

I’m not one for pregnancy fics either! I’m very ‘breed no baby’, but I also have some very complicated feelings that I feel Bakugo would share? Which is how Blue Lines came about. I’m glad it resonated with you though! That fic seemed to resonate with a lot of people and it was really nice to see that there are lot of us who relate to this kind of liminal grey-space when it comes to that kind of stuff… Also: Bakugo’s Mitsuki impression is flawless. Mitsuki hates it. He does it at family functions when she’s pissing him off, bc it makes him less likely to shout. Kirishima can do the impression too (but it’s cute when he does it according to Mitsuki - much to Bakugo’s annoyance).

Hand Prints. Yeah - that was a very raw piece. Honestly, just knowing you read it and felt it means more than anything 💕 Makes me feel less alone. If that makes a lick of sense? Either way, thank you.

Ah! Bouquet - I had so much fun writing the dynamic for that. I also think it’s the most British I’ve ever written Bakugo, but I don’t think it comes off too strong 🤣 I usually throw the poor guy into so much angst, it was nice to just write a really big fluff piece for him, the man deserves it!

This really did make my day. Honestly, I can not thank you enough. Not only for sharing in my writing, but for leaving messages like this. You’re an absolute gem - words don’t do justice to how much this means to me 🥰

I hope you have the best day ever! And that Bakugo gives you all of the smooches bc you deserve them! 💕

#saturnspeaks #Did Tiph just single-handedly save my motivation? Yes. #I feel so pumped to write; right now. #Tiph I adore the ground you walk on; dearest.

[syubology]

Writing Dialogue

I know someone’s gonna hate me for this, but dialogue is actually hands down the easiest part of writing for me. I used to struggle a lot with it, then one day something clicked and now my scenes are quite literally built on the dialogue - my rough drafts look like screenplays lmao. So, I might be the worst person to attempt to give tips on this particular subject, but I will do my best!

🌙

Unique Voices:

Every character should have their own voice. It might sound impossible at first, but here are some factors to consider when designing a speech pattern:

Upbringing. This is where it all begins, really. The way we speak can certainly change over time, but a lot of habits are gonna be established earlier on in life. So, who raised your character? How did their parents/siblings speak? Who were their friends, and how could their speech patterns have had an influence on your character? Where did your character grow up? Is the area known for a specific dialect or strong accent?

Age and era. Not only should you consider your character’s age, but also the era in which they’re living. If you’re in your thirties and you’re writing about a teenager in 2020, your character is not going to speak exactly the same way you spoke when you were a teenager. If you’re 20 and writing about a 20-year-old in 1920, they’re not going to speak exactly as you speak now. Do your research!

Who are they speaking to? Regardless of whether or not they live in a society where there is a very strict hierarchy between social classes or age groups, your character is still likely to adjust their speech depending on who they’re speaking to. Boss, teachers, parents, siblings, lovers - your character will probably have a slightly different way of speaking to all of these people.

Multi-lingual. Was your character raised with more than one language? Is the language your character usually speaks their first language? Are they entirely fluent? What might trigger them to slip into their first language - anger, excitement, meeting a certain person, praying, counting? Do they often forget or confuse certain words in one language or another? You can have a lot of fun with multi-lingual characters, but if you weren’t raised with more than one language yourself, I’d do some research before writing a bilingual character!

Slang. Again, if you’re writing a character who belongs to a different era/age-group/nationality to you, do a little research. You’ll want to avoid using stereotypical slang and speech patterns - for example, not a single fucking Irish person has ever seriously said “top o’ the mornin’ to ye”. Each person usually has a specific set of slang terms and expletives they favour.

I’m not a linguist, these are just some of the things I consider when deciding how a character might speak. Not all voices are 100% unique, so don’t stress yourself out too much. The way we speak is the sum of hundreds of different influences, many of which we share with others. The idea is just to keep these factors in mind and implement small changes here and there to make sure your characters’ voices stand out from each other.

Break it up!

No to big chunks of solid dialogue - it’s boring. Even if your character is going off on a long monologue, you should break it up with motion and description. Imagine you’re watching a play and the actor just stands there, stock still, emotionless, reciting these lines - no one wants to see that and no one wants to read it either, my fren. Below is the best example I could find in my recent writing of a monologue broken up with motion and description:

Only one character speaks for this whole thing, but even if it was a conversation, I’d weave those other details in through it in much the same way. As much as you can, try to drop in subtle reminders of the character’s surroundings and feelings and the reactions of whoever they’re speaking to. This keeps the reader in the scene.

Rehearse:

You might feel like a crazy person muttering random lines of dialogue under your breath, but saying things aloud can help you figure out if it sounds nice and natural or stilted and weird. We can’t all be Oscar-winners, I know, but for best results, you should try to channel your character and their emotions when you do it. Personally, when I’m in bed before I fall asleep, I play scenes through in my head like a film and that’s my kinda way of ‘rehearsing’ them.

Listen:

A lot of people have trouble actually constructing dialogue. You sit down to write and it’s like you’ve never had a conversation before in your goddamn life, I know the feeling. The first thing you need to do is stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Just like you can’t force conversation in real life without it getting awkward, I think it’s the same in writing. Relax, step back from the keyboard, shut your eyes and try to imagine the scene as if you’re watching a film - what are they saying? 

If that fails, watch a film or an episode of something, listen to the actors. Read a novel and focus on the dialogue, how it’s constructed. When you’re out and about, listen to conversations going on around you, take notes of anything you find funny or interesting, anything that inspires a bit of dialogue for your story. Listening in this way is also a good exercise for studying other people’s speech patterns - think about how they’re unique and what the way they speak can tell you about them.

Practice:

I think this will be a point in most of my posts because it’s just so vital when it comes to all aspects of writing. Dialogue isn’t just a skill, it’s an entire group of skills. Within it, there’s humorous dialogue, flirtatious dialogue, arguments, etc. - the list goes on. They’re all a little different and present unique challenges, and you will be better at some aspects of dialogue than you are at others, so don’t get stuck in an I suck at dialogue rut, that’s not sexy at all.

Here’s a diverse list of dialogue prompts. To practice and challenge yourself, you could try building a conversation around each one or just a few. To start with, you could try writing only the lines of dialogue; when you feel more confident, start weaving in tone, setting, motion, etc.

✧･ﾟ: * :･ﾟ✧*

For me, the dialogue is the first thing I get. Before a scene has even begun to really take form, I have all these snippets of dialogue in my head, but then I often struggle with filling the gaps to make it a readable scene, you know? Every writer has different strengths. Dialogue may seem tricky at first, but you’ve been having conversations you whole life, pal, you know how to do it. The real trouble lies in finding your characters’ voices and figuring out how they’d interact with each other - once you’ve done that, the dialogue will come much easier for the rest of your story.

Sorry for the long gap between posts this time! I have a lot going on right now, but I love writing for this blog, it makes me feel like I know things, so thank you for all your support so far! Especially those who sent in asks - keep ’em coming! If I don’t reply, it’s because I plan to make a post on the topic, so don’t worry, I’m not ignoring anyone.

Thanks for reading, frens, I hope you’re all having a good day <3

#writing #writing dialogue #writing tips #writing advice #writeblr #writing help #syubvice

[poptartmochi]

ugh I forgot to ask u for top 5s of artists anyways I would love to know them for kimbra, Japanese breakfast (i feel like u always have a taste for songs I didn't get to yet so I'm excited for the recs!) & willow + 5 extra recs (if u feel up to them)

as always cant wait go hear ur music opinions<3

ouuuugh this was insanely fun to do- I actually haven’t listened to these artists lately (it has been Tennis LOCKDOWN [with the exception of Posing in Bondage] for like an entire week now haha!) so this was a challenge! 😄 i had a ton of fun going through their discographies the other night!

it occurs to me After i write these out that i really do Not need to extrapolate on how i feel about a song or Why it’s on the list but alas...... you know me </3 i am the rambling grandma lingering at your doorstep LMAO (rambler grandma 🤝🏼 gamer grandma brotherhood!) nonetheless, I hope it is readable and that you enjoy my thoughts!!! <3 thank you for the ask!

warning ahead for an Extremely Long Post. if you don’t want to scroll for eternity, either do Not hit the readmore or press J!! good luck down there! if it breaks on mobile + y’all get blasted with the full text... i am so sorry comrades

ask prompt

Kimbra

Settle Down - not my favorite Kimbra song by any stretch of the imagination, but as the song that got me hook line and sinker into the Legend, it Must sit at number one... this song was THE break-up banger of 2017 <3 although the song is about being afraid of your lover leaving you and stuff, this really carried me through recovering from that?? I think it was bitter irony that got me listening to this song obsessively but man.. at the end of the day a banger is a banger <3 Also!!! The studio version of this is Mint, but i’ve linked a live recording which has held my heart captive for literal years now.. the way she remixes and interacts with her own music blows my mind and i am in love with her

Nobody But You- this song is like. a quintessential pop song for me, it’s so lively and shghsghshghs 🥰🥰🥰🥰 but then the BREAKDOWN at the end?? wtf okay!! 🤩😍🤩😍 mini shout-out here to Love in High Places.. in my head they are both part of one insanely long song.. anyhow the “love will finally break your heart and set you free” part + the ensuing guitar are SO good in that song, I still lose it when I listen to it <3

90's Music - so fucking fun and funky.. I don’t think I’ve listed this one before, because sometimes I can’t listen to this song- it gives me a headache 😭😭but when i Can listen to it,, i THRIVE 😈😈

The Build Up- most of Kimbra’s music makes me feel like a fizzy drink, but this one is instead very sobering. i don’t know Why, but something about the composition of this song makes me feel like a little snail on a huge rock watching a stream going by and Also like a weary office worker realizing they want a divorce in the middle of a traffic jam while the sun is going down between tall buildings.. the “That you would come back home when I call” part still makes me go fucking BANANAS, it’s such a powerful bit, it feels like the song is bursting from its own seams in pain. I love how the rest of the song almost plucks itself onto its two feet until the section is referenced again towards the end, and how it descends into like.. Furtive Thinking after.. this song is so beautifully written and i would kiss it on the lips if i could

Waltz Me to the Grave- okay Help 🆘🆘 this song has been a part of my soul since i tried to tackle a happy ending rewrite for nge in 2015 and then again in 2017.. I gave up on the idea when I realized what I was trying to do was kind of dissonant with the themes of nge, BUT. i can still Vividly see the amv I made for this song in my mind... nge aside, I really love how goddamn funky this song is!! Off the top of my head, I can’t think of anything that has the same feel as this song. Sometimes, when you blast the middle bit, it feels like you’re getting torn apart and yk I fuck with that!! To this day, I’m still taken by the instrumentation of this song, it is SO good!

Two Weeks/ Head Over Heels- bonus sixth pick, but you know I’ve loved this song for years <3 this combination works SO well? but that aside, I feel like this song really hammers home how good Kimbra’s production and vocal control are.. I love how she’s just mixed into an instrument for herself to sing on top of??? it’s insane.. anyhow, this cover, more than anything, exemplifies Everything I love about Kimbra’s music! 🥰🥰🥰

somehow there’s no songs from primal heart on here, but just know.... that album is SO good and carries the torch from her previous albums 100%

Japanese Breakfast

Posing in Bondage (2021)- THEEEEEEEEE SONG. i listen to this one every day 🥰 when I open Youtube, a playlist with it at the beginning is Always at the top of my page! it has an Atmosphere, an Ambiance... fucking love this song <3 i think the feeling of the song really matches the loneliness of the lyrics... on an unrelated note. the second verse man.. literally i LOSE IT. that bit in the middle of the night hits so fucking different and i loveeee it

Road Head- the Original Song to Lose My Fucking Mind To asmr.. I think there is something to be said about these two songs Also having a heavy hand in the redevelopment of my first ever oc....... hmm 🧐 that aside though, this song really does feel like Cinematically and broodingly driving across the highway at night, ughhh 🥰 the “Run, run” bit between the verses.. music make you lose control!!! hmm what else about this song.. OHHH in a live, something funky happens and Michelle hesitates for a very tiny beat (here, at 1:33). It reminds me of a tape skipping a beat or something, but hooooga booga i fucking LOVE it, sometimes it feels wrong to listen to the song without it.. I also really like the guitar in that live version I linked- the way it layers over the rest of the song is so fucking good ur honor

Machinist- ughhhh this song.. girl when i say j-brekkie knows how to craft an ambient song, i MEAN IT!!! \T o T/ the “Total control... can’t let go/ It could be bliss” part gives me goosebumps Every Time, and I love how the autotune extends the sound! also the sax solo wtf it’s so good and it comes out of Nowhere?? overall this one is just a really lovely conceptual song!

The Body is a Blade- using japanese breakfast...... to COPE. the lyrics for this song have always hit a chord in my heart, but the bit about emptying the house and staging it for buying hits in such a new way now that our house is about to get sold.. listening to it again made me tear up 🥺 the poem that the title is derived from is also insanely good!

Head Over Heels- is this Actually a japanese breakfast song? No. is it still one of my favorites from them? yeah babey! 😎 This one feels incredibly different from Kimbra’s cover, almost more grim.. i love that so much! I also like how minimal the instruments are here, it really lets Michelle and the vulnerability of her voice shine through. 😍

Here Come the Tubular Bells- bonus 6th pick but it’s only 41 seconds so.. 👀👀👀 BUT. back when i was Hardcore working on mx. thalis tabris dragon age, I would listen to this for Hours Straight in the wee hours of the morning so I could brainstorm their death with the gravity it would carry in the moment and I think, as a result, this song is just weaved into my soul now..  🆘 It’s been a long time since then, but listening to this still Immediately brings me back to the weight of denerim after the archdemon is defeated and everyone realizes their friendly neighborhood warden is Dead, + the slow and seeping horror that settles in with the realization of that. 😈😈😈

When I first wrote this list, it was mostly Jubilee because I’ve been listening to Jubilee more than their other music, since it’s a new release! <3 however that was skewing everything soooo bonus jubilee top 5

Be Sweet- actually the first song I heard off this album! I remember listening to this obsessively in the week before my sister came to visit, it’s just such a fun poppy song! sound of the summer truly 😙

Savage Good Boy- cannot lie I really loved this song for the first bit of the lyrics bc.... yeah same <3 But when I actually looked at the lyrics I was like wavey babey WHAT is going on!! looking at the explanation on genius lyrics tho... it makes sense! 😲 michelle zauner evil billionaire momence!

Slide Tackle- i LOVE the atmosphere of this song and for the longest time that’s all I really listened to it for.. my love for it increased when I looked up the lyrics because Fuck it’s. Incredibly Relatable 🥺 especially lately- i’ve talked with my brother a few times about how I’ve just become this angry person since I came home and how I don’t want to be that anymore!! so this song is coming to mean a lot for me 🦥

In Hell- Japanese Breakfast’s songs about death have always been a way to explore my own fears about that stuff with my grandparents and this song... hoog man. :( besides that, the chorus in this one is just really pleasant to the ear! ^^

Posing in Cars- the guitar in this one... screams my HEAD off bro!! so good and I love her approach to writing this song. the lyrics are still growing on me but I love her delivery of “But it’s been one o’clock for hours” 🥺🥺

Willow

Samo is Now- ooooOOOUUUUGGGGH. this SONG!!!!!!!!! you have seen me rant and rave about the Atmosphere,, the Ambiance of music for like.. too long now.. so it’s no surprise this one is my top pick for Willow, the guitar and vocals in this are INSANE 💥💥💥🆘💥💥💥 it feels like you’re driving through a Heavy Florida Thunderstorm That Makes You Pull the Fuck Over™... not quite Brooding, but definitely full of Some emotion!!!! ughhh luna it is SOMETHING to listen to this song at night, experiences to ascend to!!

9- i think this is actually the song that introduced me to Willow? I think I found this either as a recommendation off of Solange’s Cranes in the Sky (which.. if you have not heard that I am grabbing your back like a monkey and shaking you viciously!!!!) or from SZA’s Ctrl, but holy shit thank god I found it.. this song makes me feel weightless and yet So heavy-hearted 🥺🥺🥺 I put this on our playlist at work and I really hope it’s still there, this was my favorite thing to listen to there... on Saturdays, when I was by myself, I would put this song on loop and it would be the Only Thing i listened to all day, that’s how good it is <3

Warm Honey- this song is titled v well, it Sounds like warm honey.. I love Willow’s lyricism here- 9 is what really got me into Willow, but Warm Honey was the song that made me take pause and go to Genius Lyrics + go okay!!!!!!! okay bitch!! <3 The “But then I realized, I don’t exist” part.... WHOOO music to lose your Mind to!!

Everything Stays- keeping with the theme from the last bit... music to cry your eyes out to!!! There’s such a tangible melancholy in the first half of the song, and the second half.. it makes my heart feel FULL, it’s so warm. i genuinely cannot put how much I love this song (cover?) into words, it’s just. so so beautiful

Jimi- okay okay so. this one. this is another one that is like here in my Soul, Forever, because i made a very intricate mental nge amv to it back in 2017. I love the harmonies in this one, and the instrumentation??? so good!

Transparent Soul- apologies for not formatting it right but i think it would take up too much space T T but!!!! this came out like 2 months ago and I’ve only recently had the mental space available to give it a proper listen.. i can comfortably say, HOLY SHIT?! the guitar, the fucking power behind willow’s vocals?? and she has a whole new album?! I have a ton of music to catch up on from Willow, but this like lit a fire in my soul and I’m so excited to see what else she’s released lately!

bonus- Kali Uchis

i’ve been a huge fan of Kali since 2018, but I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about her outside of a few comments about sin miedo? Which...😨 that album is a gift from GOD, and i am yet again viciously shaking you like a monkey if you haven’t heard it, BUT. some of her earlier music is Really Near and Dear to my heart, but again i’ve never really mentioned it so 😈😈 hehe here we go babey! Honestly everything off of Isolation and Por Vida is golden and I would wholeheartedly recommend it!! I haven’t listened to much beyond those bc youtube’s album playlist organization is. abysmal. :D but anything from her I would suggest!! here are my top 5!

Flight 22- hooooooooga BOOOOOOGA... this song this fucking song.. I think this song drives me off the walls because A. it is SO GOOD but B. because I have concluded that I am just. obsessed with travel and anything that relates to it.. so a love song that references flying??? GIRL. 💥🆘 It’s such a sweet song- don’t wanna be anywhere if it ain’t with you!! 🥺🥺 The atmosphere and instrumentation reminds me of these lounges we would go to when we were traveling through Europe + got stuck on long layovers and we would have to make little beds by smushing two chairs together.. there’s a specific and really honey-like nostalgia that goes with that that this song is incredibly reminiscent of.. the evening glow of an airport but as a love song, UGH <3 i also love the part that goes “and maybe we’re not gonna make it... 😬😳 at least i’m going down with you 😇 our baggage might just be too fulll 😨😨 on flight 22!” like kali girl!!!!!!! you are going to DIEEE 😭😭😭😭💥🆘😶🤠💥

All or Nothing- the first time I listened to this, I knew from the first few seconds I would be obsessed with it.. there’s such a like 1950′s americana feel to the instrumentation, but the thing that really hooked me is how powerful her voice is!!!! the “aaaAAAAAALLLLL or nooouthing :(” is SO nice to let your voice loose to in the car <3 besides that though there really is this :\ :’( sense to the song that she captures really well, and I love how her voice pushes away from it in the bridge... kali uchis most powerful woman of the world <3

Call Me- whooo girl. tyler the creator produced this song and you can Tell, the background is SO fucking good. but despite that, she Owns this song!! <3 this song, man,,,,,, this song makes me feel like a Temptress, which most songs cannot do.. there’s something about how sweet her vocals are and how detached yet enticing the lyrics are that is SO good. also “No one got me quite like you.. got me sittin round writin haikus 🙄” part is my favorite, when I tell you i choked on my fucking water laughing the first time i heard it <3

Gotta Get Up - i would call this song a depression bop but it’s more like.. song that makes you want to Live in the middle of a depressive spiral, at least for me ^^ like fuck man... we gotta get up and get us something real comrades!!! 😭😭🙏🏻 besides that, I love the harmonies she does in this song... so mfin good

Speed- okay so. now that we are speed i am realizing maybe there was subconscious psychological chess that drove me to Not talk about Kali Uchis on this webbed site... and esp not on thee jojo blog... I am about to divulge one of my Secrets... i must do it before i explain why I actually love this song bc this memory fucking HAUNTS me. 😶😶😶😶 SO. many years ago now (2?), i had a dream (as i often Do) that i had in fact lived out baby sarah’s fantasies of becoming a swag amv creator and that That was my niche on the internet, right............................ Well. in this specific dream, I dreamt that I had created.. a fucking.. diohorse (yes DIOHORSE 😶😲😨😩😟😞😳😳😳😵🥴) amv to THIS SONG... amv but make it camp.. and the beginning of the amv was like ??? about dio being hol horse’s shitty boss, but because it was dio, it was melodrama manwhore momence.. BUT THEN?? i like completely dropped that concept and instead the amv was about hol horse being dio’s chauffeur in wheel of fortune and they were trying to run the sdc off the road. This madness took up basically the entire second half of the amv and was kind of akin to the mania in Foster the People’s Don’t Stop mv except slutty vampire momence instead, right. well. you’d think, how does an amv like that End????? diohorse happy ending?? NO............ IT ENDED WITH DIO CRASHING THROUGH THE WINDOW AND INTO THE OCEAN (to match the music 😭😭😭😭) and sinking to the bottom for another 100 years of slumber 😀😶😶😨😩😬😩🥴🤠🌋🌋🌋🌋 HELP!!!!!! i wish i remembered more than that but ALAS </3 in any case... i fucking WISH i had the skills to make it a reality.. when i was younger i thought it was such a cringe dream but now that i am 21 i Think it is my calling in life, making this amv.. thy will be DONE 😈😈😈 (now that i think about it.. maybe i could bridge the two halves of the amv by having hol horse’s contract about being dio’s chauffeur... omg)

diohorse madness aside (also help.. i cannot figure out how to align this with the rest of the text without making it part of a list.. i just wanted a break in the text ur honor </3), SPEED dude.... holy fucking shit this song girl... seduction.mp4!!!! i love love love the backing to this song, it’s SO good and that combined with kali’s honey sweet vocals makes for something really intoxicating. i remember listening to this song Obsessively when i first heard it 🥰

#long post #sriracha ask game #how much of this is just me going 'OUGH this song.. so good' 🙉🙈🙈 #anyhow i am hopefully fr back!! >:) our house is Pending (to cops 🤢) now so Hopefully we don't have to prepare for random showings at a #moment's notice! that was almost worse than the prepping and packing and moving.... #the Big Issue with the showings specifically is that now I feel almost possessive of this house.. i'm like have you put literal blood sweat #and tears into this girl??? no? then stop looking at her >( #but like. we cannot live here we cannot Afford to live here anymore girlies. we gotta goooo! #madness and mania in the club tonight 😔 #anyhow THIS!! i think part of me went so bananas writing it bc i knew i was writing it for luna.. idk if that makes sense #i was like mad max at my laptop for 2 or 3 hours crafting this >) when i say i became POSSESSED........i mean it #this was a blessing though bc i was Slipping into tennis melancholia and i needed to get outta that asap!! #thank you again luna my friend my comrade my belovie!! 😭💙

[i3utterflyeffect]

under a cut because this got VERY LONG and VERY RAMBLY

i just wanted to compare this song to tpoh (yes i know it has its own story but that’s not what we’re talking about today)

( if you need to copy-paste: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80sl53M0L6s )

hear me out here because this may seem like a stretch at first but when you see it all down on paper it’ll make more sense I pROMISE--

i’m gonna try and put images in for better readability, so it isn’t just a big ol’ slab of text-- i’m also gonna be skipping lines that i don’t really feel correlate, but most of them do so like. it’s fine lol.

"Don't go across, the longer road's safer, watch as the bolt's trajectory wavers."

RGB talks a lot about detours and taking different paths to throw (presumably) Hate off his tracks, and it makes me think of that!!!!

“Learn it by heart, now the hardest part comes--”

RGB has gone through so many Heroes he’s pretty much learned the cycle by heart, and he’s almost running off a script-- Meanwhile, ‘the hardest part’ makes me think of that line from Suture when he’s breaking it to Hero that she can’t go back!

“--When staggering doubt paralyzes you,” 

kind of obvious, but this part goes hand-in-hand with Hero being ‘consumed by doubt’--

“And then, you fall apart like a house of cards, might as well disregard it as a cursory mantra.”

as i said before with the ‘now the hardest part comes’ line, RGB has rehearsed this talk a bunch of times with different heroes so it’s like a ‘cursory mantra’ at this point--

“[ ... ] It's getting harder to act like I don't really care,”

do i even need to say it lol

“I'm sorry but these earnest words of yours are just too much to bear...”

I’m sure i’m not the only one who noticed this but RGB actually does look a little hurt when Hero lashes out at him? anyway he cared a lot more about her in the beginning than he let on

I’m aware of the whole Russian segment in the middle (there’s a translation in the captions as well) but the lyrics don’t really make me think of anything in particular honestly-- the MUSIC CHANGE, however, definitely makes me think of the dream segments and if i WERE to make an amv that would be where I’d put the dream segments anyway-- that’s all i have to say on that part

“[ ... ] In a desperate attempt to hold onto your battered hand,”

again, not sure i even need to say it, but

“[ ... ] ‘Strong enough to let it go,’ he says, but, darling, I don't know!”

This part makes me think of Hero’s choice to move past RGB betraying her-- but, of course, moving past it ≠ forgiving it, so she’s still mad at him (obviously)

“This isn't my first time sinking lower than the low...”

This isn’t RGB’s first time recruiting a Hero-- and he’s sunk ‘lower than the low’ a LOT, and-- as much as we all love him-- we all pretty much just agree he’s a coward, a liar, a thief, and a petty bastard. Even RGB himself agrees on these points. It also makes me think of Click’s confrontation-- since it’s pretty obvious he considers RGB stealing their lives away to be ‘sinking lower than the low’.

“How hard can it be to never let it overflow? Oh, I've gotten used to being haunted long ago.”

RGB has expressed-- though nonverbally-- that he still regrets that he let his Heroes died. And like..... ‘how hard can it be to never let it overflow’ is basically his mantra considering how much he bottles up. He’s also gotten used to generally being disliked-- if not hated-- by almost everyone in TWOMB, and also just to feeling bad about himself (someone PLEASE get this man a therapist)

“[...] Through the haze and through the maw of the grinder, I won't find her, but I'll guide you through them all.” no deep analysis on this one it just makes me think of when RGB and Hero lost each other in the marketplace lmao

“[ ... ] Now, remember, dear, you've always been too kind!”

Let’s be completely honest here, Hero’s probably the most forgiving out of all of the Heroes, aside from maybe Gladys (and also not counting Dial since we don’t actually know what his real opinion is--) Click considers her choice to save him ‘too kind’, so, well... you know what happens.

“Oh it's nothing new, the visionless leading the blind; It's easy to say, ‘why don't you leave it all behind?’”

This definitely makes me think of RGB luring people away!! No one who accepted the deal actually knew they’d be unable to return, so they were ‘blind’ to it in a sense! And as for the ‘why don’t you leave it all behind’ part, well I mean-- you have to admit, the idea of getting away from everything is reallly tempting. 

“And this moral compass is forever misaligned...”

Obviously this is about Click because his moral compass is ALMOST right but at the same time completely and utterly fucked, I mean, he tried to kill a child for disagreeing on RGB’s deserved punishment--

“All I need to hear is that you'll be there, by my side-- But you can never know that...”

RGB does end up getting VERY attached to Hero and, I think the very moment he does realize that (fittingly) is when Hero says that he’s not evil or good, but neutral instead (which is sad because that implies this is the best opinion he’s gotten from someone but that’s a whole other can of worms) Obviously she can ‘never know that’ because what about his PRIDE and he SAID he WOULDN’T GET ATTACHED (...not that it helps because he’s dug his own grave already)

“‘Too strong to die,’ or was that me again?”

This line makes me think of two things-- It makes me think of Time’s comment on him ‘never fully’ being dead, and also makes me think of Negative because... you know. too strong to die.

“I know that there has to be some hope that's just out of sight...”

This part makes me think of the Nothing-- RGB almost loses hope on (at least one of) them surviving twice-- but he came up with solutions! (even though one was completely heartbreaking...)

“...I won't let myself lose it again--”

This feels like it’d be RGB referring to losing Heroes-- he would almost definitely never forgive himself for losing our Hero at this point. It also feels like sort of an internal dialogue to match him throwing Hero towards the fence.

“--And now my only hope is that one day you'll understand...”

This obviously makes me think of him explaining his reasoning behind saving the world in Ex Position-- but it also makes me think of the page just before it transitions to Greenlight? I haven’t seen anything about this, but that little flashback makes me think that Hero is either, a. thankful to RGB for saving her, or, B. frustrated he chose to sacrifice himself and leave her alone like he did.

“[ ...  ] [I’ll] save what's left, though I know that, one day, this weight will come to break my back.”

This makes me think of RGB being afraid to fully connect to Hero at first, because he didn’t want to be hit as hard when she inevitably died, (or would have, if not for the mercy of Protagonist’s Luck--)

“Once again we were left in the dust,”

Hero was left on her own ‘in the dust’ after the storm receded. Not much to say there.

"Self-hating ones like us crack when we betray someone's trust.”

Short version? Please get this telly and his child some therapy. Long version? In Target Audience, he seemed like he was going to make a (feeble) attempt at explaining Click’s accusation away... until Hero speaks up.

“So if you must, shield your heart with these layers of rust--”

This makes me think of RGB-- but more evidently (especially combined with the next line), the Green Sun.

“The sun will rise-- Until then I'll be waiting for you on the other side...”

Pretty self-explanatory in the first part-- i don’t really have anything for the last part unfortunately though, especially considering we don’t know what actually is going to happen to the sun yet...

but, uh, that’s all! I just. had these thoughts. and wanted to talk about them. because i like writing essays like this.

tysm for reading all this because i absolutely infodumped here

anyway go support Ferry, they’re the artist and their music slaps

in summary:

#tpoh #the property of hate #tpoh... analysis...??? what do i even TAG this as???????? #anyway. i wasn't joking when i said this song had a million connections with tpoh in my head #pitch rambles

[nozomijoestar]

Transcribed and formatted for readability the master thesis between me and @wlwclem​ on the nuances to NaraTrish together and as individuals being why we love it and respect it not being CompHet- we spent way too much Big Brain Energy on it to not share 

tw: brief mention of F-Slur when giving an example on toxic masculinity being bullshit, sexuality is briefly discussed in a non sexualizing way and in no graphic detail

*insert IM TRISH KIN BUCCIARATI joke here*

epickinnienaranciaYesterday at 11:45 PM

JDDBSJDBD YES bc ofc she gotta be Reassuring but at the same time his Himboism Knows No Bounds One of the lines in EoH u can give her is “Go get me an Italian Vogue magazine too while you’re at it” and I’m like. Queen

nozomijoestarYesterday at 11:46 PM

JDHDHDF BDE Narancia whipped Narancia stands no chance

epickinnienaranciaYesterday at 11:46 PM

OH FOR REAL one of HIS victory lines is something about getting all the stuff for her lmao And this is like even if she isn’t in the battle, Always Thinking Of His Queen

nozomijoestarYesterday at 11:50 PM

Trish decides to test the limits of this and his ability to recognize them by asking for impossible or nonexistent items/feats and when he continues to try for her without question she realizes she has too much power and must restrain it fjdjjdjfjf Can't turn into Dad

epickinnienaranciaYesterday at 11:51 PM

JDBDBSJS The color palette changes while she has an inner monologue while she watches him try to make her happy

nozomijoestarYesterday at 11:53 PM

"Oh my god Bucciarati was right...he's too loyal for his own good I need to stop even if it's a little fun"   Meanwhile Narancia: growing more and more frustrated with himself for perceived failure to someone he loves

epickinnienaranciaYesterday at 11:55 PM

She stops for the most part but does it every so often bc it’s cute

nozomijoestarYesterday at 11:56 PM

Lucky to have a freak like dat I feel like the only thing that can counter this self defeatism Narancia can get (bc his younger childhood...ofc he's fucked up and anxious and paranoid abt not being enough or abandoned) is Trish having to open her own repressed self up and love the shit out of himLike those reassuring lines she has in EoH and her moments in the anime/manga Bruno fucking does it as his father figure and Narancia admits it gives him strength

December 19, 2019

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:04 AM

Yes, he feels like he has to prove his worth and like he’s worth having around otherwise he’s useless, i def feel like he would not like talking about the stuff that happened in the past with everyone bc he would feel ashamed and stupid or st, he needs to be told You Are Enough and her to open up too so they can lean on each other

nozomijoestarToday at 12:12 AM

Honestly no jokes for a second I feel like this is also abt breaking toxic masculinity bc it's fucking Italy in the early 00s just out of the 90s...it was RIFE rifer than even now with that shit like in much of the world then too, the idea that a boy becoming a man and men in general need to strictly follow dumbass self harming rules

 especially abt not opening up and only having real priorities for earning money, honoring family, and procreating as much as possible whether it's marriage making a family or "having sexual conquests" in promiscuity, anything outside of this bullshit image can't be tolerated and you might as well be a woman or "a fag" if you don't assert some fictional narrative of trying extremely hard to have power in everything bc that's all that matters is the ridiculous idea of Alpha Males applied to humans 

Narancia being a 80s- 90s kid with the childhood he had did not give him much fighting chance at all in this context and time period  esp just bc he happened to be born with a dick and thus saddled with these harmful expectations society made that could've only further repressed his recognition of not beating himself up and his own emotional needs on top of EVERYONE ever betraying him Where was he supposed to go? He can't go anywhere unless he meets Bruno

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:18 AM

yes i agree..... like, males being looked down upon for opening up, being societally forced to shoulder the burdens and “man up” and just deal with it and fix everything. And then already having a toxic support system with his “friend” betraying him and his dad Sucking Major Ass, all he’s been taught is deal with it but hasn’t been given the tools to know how, and if Bruno didn’t meet him he honestly would be so stuck, what person (esp in that time period) is going to go out of their way to help an uneducated young male?

nozomijoestarToday at 12:20 AM

Even if it tragically ends with his death in canon I feel like the time he spent with Bruno's bois, Giorno, and Trish was huge in making some of that crack little by littleBc he has moments where you see how sweet he actually is, his "real" personality if you will underneath all the unresolved anger when he's with ppl he sees love him and give him hope When Giorno said No One Is Going To Hurt You Anymore that just made me cry harder

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:23 AM

Yes! Like, ofc he gets angry, has unrepressed rage and reactions to things, he hasn’t had any type of emotional support in SO long and it’s not like it’s 100% fantastic in that regard with buccigang (which don’t get me wrong they are family but they are still in an aggressive gang and go off and give each other lots of shit)-YEAH AND THE FUCKIGN PLANT GROWING TOO IM

nozomijoestarToday at 12:25 AM

Trish is legit I think the one person aside from Giorno who would treat him without even the gang's aggressiveness Narancia is my fav in VA even if Bruno is the best written VA character bc he's me, this kind of shit in my life is why I developed PTSD undiagnosed since my childhood that only kept getting worse until only this year have I gotten any true help I know exactly how he feels 

Esp when you think your whole life exists to serve others never yourself NaraGio shippers I see y'all argument even if I don't follow it tbh, Gio was again the only one besides Trish to consistently care for Nara in day to day and when he was in danger and esp during the Clash and Talking Heads fight Gio was the one dude present like No Narancia It's Ok Please Tell Me What's Wrong You're Clearly Stressed

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:31 AM

yeah although i haven’t experienced it i can still empathize and try to understand, i think there’s so many layers of protection and walls that most people never truly look past it to see the root cause or true self YES that fight was so frustrating bc they were all like Narancia stop being an idiot when something was clearly wrong and he was obviously in distress!!

nozomijoestarToday at 12:32 AM

Also Gio was the only one who first asserted that No, Narancia did the right thing in fighting Formaggio

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:33 AM

Yes and with that whole interaction the gang often uses Narancia as the scapegoat essentially and just give him shit for every little thing without trying to understand his POV

nozomijoestarToday at 12:33 AM

The Clash fight tbh I feel was an ass pull set up to give Narancia his big bad ass loyalty proving moment even if it's a great fight that beginning part is...only the Trish and Gio interactions rly make sense fjdjdjI wish him and Giorno hung out more or I guess more like talked more bc you can't rly hang out when you're getting assassinated every day hfgdg

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:36 AM

Yeah hdkdb, even with Fugo, even tho he found him and brought him to Bruno, he still calls him a dumbass, stabs him with a fork and shit, and then with Mista even tho I feel like they are Like Bros, he destroys Narancia’s radio for no fucking reason and also has a pattern of taking shit Narancia paid for without paying him backI def agree with that, I feel like Giorno interactions were lacking in that there really weren’t many one on one meaningful things so it’s hard for me to grasp his personal headspace and relationships a lot of the time

nozomijoestarToday at 12:37 AM

However to be a little more fair to the Bucci gang the manga version has Narancia trying a lot lot more to get their attention in logical ways that unfortunately Talking Heads completely ruins, he tried writing to let them know what was happening and TH warped the text into him saying vulgar things bragging abt his dick being a powerful Stand

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:38 AM

Yeah I was gonna add I wasn’t sure if the manga had other stuff, tbf

nozomijoestarToday at 12:38 AM

I think this is also Shounen Tropes of the 90s at play too the "child" character was often written as the comic relief dumbass Narancia suffers it so it does add a layer of Not Good to his relationships The trope still exists tbh Anime cut out him writing I assume bc it's too sexual It's already pushing it having him whip it out and piss in front of everyone jfhdhd

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:41 AM

Yeah you right, it’s like the i want it to be that deep meme, like Araki obvi doesn’t have him only as comic relief but if he delved into his character more there would’ve been so much more that could’ve been done and shown YEAH DJDBDJDJF I WAS SURPRISED THT WAS ANIMATED

------------------------[ CUT INTERMISSION ]-----------------------------

nozomijoestarToday at 12:51 AM

Ok but to get back on track with where I was trying to go even opening this all up is how it's critical to NaraTrish in a mutually beneficial way

nozomijoestarToday at 1:01 AM

Nara is no incel he's a King obvs but he is also at heart a confused scared kid uncertain of anything in the world beyond what's closest in his grasp and without someone actively believing in and validating him he can't fully achieve awareness of healthy dynamics and even the problems within the ones he already has with his gang and Bruno- Trish doesn't have to babysit him and be the stereotypical The Woman Only Supports And Gives Up Her Body bc thats never her and couldn't be her and Narancia wouldn't make her that way bc even when he kinda touches on that (giving in a bit to the idea that men are the main protectors of women) when he gets too fixated on wanting what he thinks is for her wellbeing he does snap out and acknowledge he's wrong bc 

Trish by her independent nature and tremendous Will proves those stereotypes are bullshit, not even factoring in their first meeting as already making a huge impression on his beliefs of what girls can do- Trish knowing how to challenge him by staying true to herself yet having the compassion to help someone suffering and with fewer chances from birth than she had would not only win him over but give him something even Bruno can't, self sustaining confidence, bc Trish isn't part of a chain of command, she's just a girl in love with a boy who wants him to be happy and that concept while foreign to him for so long once it kicks in he could actually learn to build himself For himself and For someone who wouldn't use him for some greater schemes or dirty work, 

I love Bruno ok he's one of the best characters in anything ever but his flaw in his ability to help motivate ppl is tied to that fact that he's bringing them into a dangerous strict order of command to Serve not entirely in a place/way that lets them just be themselves and realize organic loving relationships with anyone and themselves SO

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:05 AM

they’re healing...... being shown love without a position of authority or any obligations is so powerful for his growth

nozomijoestarToday at 1:25 AM

That all being said, Everything Trish does he's paying attention to, she keeps him alive during the Grateful Dead fight not because she needs him to serve for a cause ( a cause might I add even Bruno the near saint he is was ready to let Nara go right then and there for bc death is in the job description) but because she doesn't know him well yet and shit he even swung a knife at her when they first met over who was in the bathroom, but he's a person suffering and in pain and to let him die even if it's Expected Of The Mission is garbage to her even if she respects Bruno down the line as a father compared to fucking evil Diavolo,

 Trish constantly goes out her way to do these things for Nara bc Trish instinctively knows he's the most vulnerable mentally and her sense of compassion and justice (likely something Donatella made sure to instill in her before her death by cherishing Trish and spoiling her even as a single mother) will not stand to not help someone when she could've- and he reciprocates it even if in disbelief bc he can tell This Person Is Safety, This Person Is Like Me Yet Not, A Better Me I Want To Be, by the time he's about to die someone with his fragile mind was actually gaining conviction about taking control for himself on his own terms and he would risk even those chances to defend the person who actually helped him arrive there (along with Gio) in the first place, 

I think by the end of his life he rly did love her or start to, it being romantic or not is up to individual interpretation to which you know I'm in the romance camp, point is he found someone who truly taught him strength without him fully realizing it and did so without belittling him, if anything instead treating him only with love and kindness and patience (not being a door mat for him, but like, not treating him like ass like everyone else has their moments of either), I think anything Trish asks of him, this is all why he's so willing to do it on top of feeling deep  empathy, I've written in my character notes as well that like this goes even further to sex being one of the most intimate things there is, like I kno we jest and jape abt Teens Doing Dumb Shit bc we're clowns 

but the sheer vulnerability you have to have esp in a first love situation to be willing to go through with that for the first time ever takes a lot of trust and courage, aspects I think Trish was able to give him and would solidify in asking something seen as so important for many people from him, the headstrong Trish wants to be vulnerable for him and the slowly confidence boosted Narancia wants to accept that faith and trust and love and exchange it with his own of the same for her, it's not horny teens 100% it's two hurt but hopeful kids on the verge of having to be adults wanting to find another piece of identity in how they are with someone else, obvs it will forever be offscreen bc pedos deserve to be skinned alive 

I just feel that the components that would fuel them to do something teens try to do to feel more adult and bc hormones are a lot more based in growing maturity than pure lust, I think this is what I fully mean by Writing About Teens Exploring Love And Sexuality; Not Fetishizing And Reveling In Showing The Act Itself Especially For Disgusting Titillation, I think this and not explicitly writing the sex are the difference between child porn and creating realistic characters

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:36 AM

Yeah, it is going to sound like a dumb take but the topic of sex and sexuality itself is not inherently sexual, by which I meant it isn’t the focus — there’s SO much more to it and in this case especially it can be like the ultimate sign of love, trust, intimacy, compassion, trying to make your way as a teen through a harsh world, like I can go on. Nasties Dont Interact but the shying away from the mere mention of it in a non-sexualized context is unrealistic. 

 Yes The Grateful Dead fight i 1000% agree is so important in both his personal growth and the development of their relationship, I think it’s an important parallel that he is dumbfounded about her going to such lengths to keep him alive without the sense of duty/obligation versus Trish’s feelings and outbursts of confusion on why Bucciarati and his gang even cared about her, protecting her to the point of death being on the line.(edited)

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:44 AM

all these elements of complication and similarities between their characters is why ive gotten so passionate about both them and their relationship (whether romantic or platonic it’s really fucking strong and good), the story of two kids making it through adversity, learning to unshoulder their burdens and lean on others, the Found Family™️, and learning and growing together is just so much more fucking deep and complex than the mainstream bs that exists. 

now im not any type of elitist hipster but esp in male and female relationships portrayed in what feels like basically fucking everything are just like CompHet Bullshit and they’re together bc They Are Just Supposed To Be (not to mention the toxic masculinity culture within that where the women barely have character arcs and are just seen as objects anyways) But what I’m trying to say is that in this the relationship is real and it feels earned in a way that just isn’t there in so much other media out there(edited)

nozomijoestarToday at 1:48 AM

Honestly if we tweak this just a lil more this is basically Guts and Casca One of the greatest and saddest romances ever written

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:48 AM

i still have berserk bookmarked just haven’t gotten around to reading yet

nozomijoestarToday at 1:48 AM

If VA was a Seinen it's p much Berserk In Italy Also big brain...galaxy brain...everything you said was a fact signed sealed and delivered(edited)

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:51 AM

Wow we’re actually in sync and using the brain cell to its fullest extent tonight

nozomijoestarToday at 1:51 AM

When I say she's his world and he's hers this is what I mean, not comphet hdhdhfhYEAH HFHDG

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:52 AM

(also my phone autocorrected “and” to “ANF” bc of twdg..... it also sometimes changes it to “AMD” bc I work in technology. My Phone Knows My Interests Are More Important To Me Than One Of The Main Parts Of Speech. Iconic)YESSSS they’re just SO GOOD there’s so much to articulate!

nozomijoestarToday at 1:55 AM

She was his Queen, and god help anyone who disrespected his Queen

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:55 AM

JDBDHE SHIT THE FUCK IP DKDBEBDJFBBD

nozomijoestarToday at 1:56 AM

Buy my silence $8000 a month

#jojo's bizarre adventure #naratrish #narancia ghirga #trish una #we support them at everything they do ty

[hauntedarbys]

hi! i’m anon from mamoru (asking here cus asks aren’t on on ur sims blog) i’m really interested in your thoughts about incorporating disabilities into the sims, i’m trying to develop my own sims game cus fuck ea lol, and i’d really like to be as incorporating of disability as possible. thanks!

damn, my asks weren’t on? that sucks. i think i fixed it now, but i swear i already had them on...

anyway!!!

i’m looking at this more from a perspective of “how to make the sims 4 better” than like “how to make my own video game” and i don’t know much about coding or game development so idk how helpful some of this will be but hopefully some will?? infodump incoming!!! sorry if it’s not that coherent. i’ve bolded some keywords in case you want to only read sections pertaining to certain disabilities.

starting with canes, bc i use one and i wish my simself did: sims 3 had canes, but for some reason they were coded weird so only elders could use them (iirc modders weren’t even able to fix it?? wtf ea). plus ts4 has custom walkstyles, and your sim can hold things like umbrellas while walking, so it’s almost definitely possible to add canes and crutches.

adding walkers would probably be a very similar process, tho i can imagine there might be some issues w clipping? not that ea has ever given a single fuck about that lmao

i’m a little bit less sure how wheelchairs would work, but the best reference i can think of is the strollers from ts3, or maaaybe some of the smaller vehicles. i have a vague memory of like a bike or a hoverpad or something that you could ride everywhere and not just on the road, but idk. the main issue i can see is that certain animations and interactions would need to be a lot more flexible--eg, sims would need to be able to do things like cook or paint or give hugs while sitting down. i can also see it being a little tricky to animate “transfers” from like, a wheelchair to a desk chair or w/e. honestly i think this would be easier to implement in sims 4 than it would have been in sims 3, because ts4 at least allows you to multitask some things. idk, it would probably be on the harder side, but holy shit it would be so worth it.

and then for some reason when i think about wheelchair users in the sims i start to wonder how feasible it would be to include little people (i hope that’s the right term?). simmers have been wanting height sliders since at least ts3, but any time a modder tries to add one the animations start getting kinda wonky, and i don’t think anyone’s really considered a height slider that goes low enough to make sims with dwarfism. i KNOW there are non-sim games out there that use height sliders, but idk how tf they do it without giving everyone telekinesis.

there was a mod in sims 3 that added sliders for amputated limbs, but it was a purely cosmetic thing, so like, sims would still walk like they had two legs or write with their “missing” hand or w/e. ideally i’d love to see a way to give sims limb differences that actually affected how they went about their lives + gave them the option to use prosthetics. i found a set of running blades in the “shoe” category for sims 4, but like... if you give them to a sim they’ll still magically grow legs in the shower lol.

deafness i think ties into my desire for sims to be able to speak multiple languages. not all deaf people use sign language, of course, but it would be great if sims had the option. i guess languages would function like any other skills, and if two sims don’t have any languages in common, they won’t be able to communicate beyond very basic things. maybe if you wanted a deaf sim to be able to speak, you could hire a speech therapist, or purchase some sort of object for them to practice with. also, dyou remember the earbuds in ts3 that made it so like, you’d only hear the music when you selected the sim using earbuds? i think you could probably make it so that when a deaf sim is active the game volume is either much lower or completely off. then for things like hearing aids, you could equip them and the volume would get a little bit higher.

blindness could use a similar mechanic, but instead of everything being silent, everything would be very dark and low-contrast. maybe objects that were making noise or places your sim had been before would have more detail. blind sims could also use navigation canes that would like... light up the area immediately in front of them.

invisible disabilities, allergies, and neuropsychiatric conditions would probably be a bit easier to add. sims 4 has a “quirk” system for celebrities where certain actions can trigger your famous sims to develop new traits. 

i think the best example of how you could use this to make, for example, mental illnesses is the “emotion bomb” quirk. famous sims develop it after experiencing intense anger or sadness, and it basically makes them experience that emotion much more intensely. that’s already a symptom of a mental illness called bpd! so what if something like repeatedly being mean to a child sim had a 0.1% chance of causing them to develop bpd? or if having a powerful sad or tense moodlet had a 0.1% chance of causing them to develop depression? 

(side note: i can really easily picture something similar to the “dark form” for ts4 vampires being used for dissociative identity disorder. genetics would be consistent across all personality states, but they could have different traits and voices and clothing,)

certain conditions could also be present at birth, like autism or adhd. i actually have custom traits for these; they’re not perfect, but if you want to google them they might be a good reference. one little thing that i think would be neat is if autistic sims had idle “stimming” animations, like flapping their hands or spinning in a circle. the biggest problem, though, is that autism and adhd are highly variable and i’m not sure how to make it so that not all autistic sims have the same behaviors.

allergies i guess would have to have some sort of severity scale, and be triggered by a sim eating a certain food or petting a certain animal. i’d want the likelihood of a sim developing a particular allergy to be pretty low, but that’s just me lol. maybe sims with allergies could keep meds on hand to deal with the worst of their attacks?

actually, the allergies thing reminds me--diabetic sims! depending on which type, a sim could either be born with it or contract it later in life. i’m not totally familiar with how insulin works, but a sim could have a pump equipped to mitigate their symptoms, or take regular injections.

i have a custom trait in my game for chronically ill sims, which basically makes their energy deplete faster and sometimes gives them moodlets with little blurbs about their illness. this seems like a pretty good system for chronic illnesses, but obv it would vary a lot by which illness your sim has--eg, would you actually animate a sim with ehlers-dahnlos popping a joint out of their socket, or would you just give them an uncomfortable moodlet? in particular, though, i think the mechanic that makes elder sims unable to do most exercise would be great for sims with dysautonomia. 

also, i’ve mentioned some assistive devices already, but i think figuring out how treatment works would be a big deal. do sims have single-payer healthcare, or do they have to pay for everything themselves? can sims crowdfund their medicine? what kind of treatments/cures are available? are their side effects? some conditions don’t have cures irl, but maybe a sim can pay like $30k to a witch to make their fibromyalgia go away!

this is almost definitely more info than you wanted and i’m kinda embarrassed i wrote this much, but uh... here you go, a mostly stream-of-consciousness essay on disabilities in the sims! god i hope it’s readable

[novocaine-sea]

About Me As a Writer

Tagged by @foxyena Thank you so much!!

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean? My tumblr username obviously comes from Aizawa from BNHA. He’s one of my favorite characters and he’s voiced by one of my favorite seiyuu’s, Junichi Suwabe. My old username novocaine-sea (which is novocaine_sea on AO3) came from a song by the band Senses Fail! The lyrics go “I wanna drown in a sea filled with novocaine” I had that username from my bandom days and couldn’t part with it

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos).

Fruitless has the most of all of these things, over 200 bookmarks, 726 kudos, almost 9000 hits and 100 subs! But as for active fics Side Effects is the second best with 90 subs!

3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

My AO3 icon is a sleeping Bakugou cap from the anime bc he looks like such an angel I love him so much

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

Yes!! My fav commenters are @vairenna, @emotabek and @mirikiri93 but i also love every single person who comments on my stories anyway because they’re all so lovely and supportive and I cherish every single one of them

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

Right now I’ve been going back and reading Feathers Are the Least of These by mousapelli (I’m unsure if they have a tumblr account). It’s a Tokoyami x Deku fic and it’s really wonderful I love it a lot.

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

I have 830 bookmarks (it’s a mess I had more but went through and deleted a bunch one day, I need to do it again) and I don’t know how to see the exact number of works I’m subscribed to but there are 5 pages worth, though half of them are most likely completed

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

Well I tend to keep coming back to serial killer AUs, are AUs that are particularly blody. I think I have at least one planned for each fandom I’m in, and have already accomplished that with Haikyuu. Though I do wanna write more. 

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

I have 145 user subscriptions and 1655 bookmarked

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

I have a, uh, cannibal fic planned? Which I feel like a lot of people wouldn’t be cool with so I’m gonna keep it to myself for now lmao

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

Fluff mostly. I’m not very good at it and i feel like compared to my angst and smut even it comes out really lackluster

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

I really love rarepairs, my favorite pairs are SemiSuga and MatsuAka, but lately I’ve found myself writing IwaOi which is strange bc they’re not even one of my main ships. But I love both rarepairs and popular ships equally!

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

Okay so my AO3 says 56 but I’ve deleted at least 5 or 6 from it so it’s more in the 60s.

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

Oh god I don’t even want to count but I have at least 5 WIPs for Haikyuu, BNHA, and YOI respectively

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

I do the bad thing of keeping some of them in my head but I really try to write down a lot of them.

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

I have not! But I was planning to cowrite something with my friend Erin! I think it would be fun to cowrite with somebody :)

16. How did you discover AO3?

My best friend Faith made me read this one Teen Wolf fic called “DILF” and I’ve been on AO3 ever since!

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?

Oh no not at all

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

Do fandom authors do that?

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

A lot but I would credit @thewiselearnfromhistory as my biggest inspiration. Idk where she disappeared off to but she’s a wonderful friend and an amazing writing (she’s ConesofDunshire on AO3)

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

Write what you want to see. Don’t try and copy other writer’s style; develop your own while reading their works. It’s okay to be inspired by other people’s writing. 

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

I’ve done both! I had a really intense outlie for Fruitless but it ended in a way that was not plan. Half of what happened in the fic was not planned until I actually wrote the completed chater. I really thik it’s fun to let the fic take you where it wants to go. Currently I’ve planned out all the chapters of Side Effects but they’ll probably end up being scrapped, at least half of it.

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

Yes! I have been told that my grammar is awful and the story would have been more readable and enjoyable if I had a “better grasp on my grammar.” I’ve been told that the way I write certain characters is extremely OOC. I’ve been told that characters would never do that because they’re monsters and not kind souls. But the amount of positive comments I’ve gotten outweighs the bad ones tenfold

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

I’m really bad with action scenes but I’ve been writing BNHA which is an action packed series so I’ve been trying to use that as my “training” I guess

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

My biggest priority right now is Side Effects as that is my main work on AO3 right now. But I will return to Untucking and the TodoMomo fic eventually. I am also working on some Kacchako secret Santa stuff!

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

Lmao yes it’s an ISSUE

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

No but my only goal right now is to finish Side Effects chapter 23 because it’s been giving me issues so that’s my goal every day right now

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

Oh my fucking god yes. I read the UshiOi smut that I have posted on AO3 and I cringe SO HARD. My friend told me that,that was their favorite fic of mine (or one of them at least) and I was like why... please....

28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written?

I would say Fruitless, but I also really love Golden. IT evoked a lot of emotion from me and I really love that piece of writing. But also Side Effects. And Wisteria. I can’t pick a favorite

29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written?

Ahhhh the UshiOi story aforementioned. And anything I’ve deleted from AO3

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

I hope to still be writing for fandom because I do enjoy it, but I also hope to be writing my own original work and maybe have a short story or two published? I think it would be nice to get into a fandom zine too!

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

I think putting intense emotions into the characters and everything around them is my strong suit. I love breaking characters down and getting to the root of their problems

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

Keeping things happy! I always return right back to the angst and I need to fucking relax with it it’s bad

33. Why do you write?

I write for myself, to get my ideas out there, and hopefully write something that other people love and enjoy fully. I write to make friends and to meet people who will inspire me and who I can inspire too. I love the way writing and art in general in fandom connects people. It’s really special :)

Tagging: @hamletsprozac @tenacioustooru @caelestisxyz @tootsonnewts @meimagino @seekingsquake and anybody else who wants to do it! don’t feel pressured

[kittyboo8015]

I was tagged by my one of my favorite authors and cat @kaguneko *scratches your ears* 💕💕💕

Questions for Ao3 Writers:

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

My username is kittyboo98 lol So it’s pretty much me being unoriginal again. Kittyboo is my childhood nickname and I was going to use kittyboo97 (birth year) but it was apparently taken? I find it fascinating that there could be another kittyboo out there lol

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos)

I’m going to answer this based on my Eruri fics only because I stopped writing reader inserts over a year ago. So with that being said, Milestones has the most kudos at 43. Bookmarks are tied: Milestones and Clueless both have 5. Clueless has the most hits followed by Bad Behavior.

3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

My Ao3 icon is my RAH Levi’s face XD. I love it because I’m pretty sure the look of utter disgust on his face would be his response if he ever read my fanfics.

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

I have two I think and I’m very grateful that I have any at all 

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

I think definitely Sugar by imawarlock (goddamnchou) I now own it in print 

Dancing in the Dark that Tanya and Zed wrote for my birthday this year (I love you guys) Ache and aisle 10 by Kaguneko. Good Southern Boys by Minxiebutt jfc hnngh There’s so many more but I’d be here all night lol

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

I’m subscribed to 20 stories and have 97 bookmarks.

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

Modern au, definitely.

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

18 subscribers 15 bookmarks.

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

Not that I can think of lol

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

Canonverse! I need to learn to write it. I love to read it though!

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

Popular because pretty much just Eruri 

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)? 13 lol

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

Ummmmm like 15 ahahaha

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

Yes in my phone. So much rambling lol

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

Not yet but I’d like to!

16. How did you discover AO3?

Tumblr lol

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?

Lmao not even close

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?Nope but I love you all

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

I’ve told this story like a million times but I met Zed about almost 3 years ago on Ao3 in the comments of a fic and shortly after Zed started writing and somehow we became friends. When I said I would like to write someday, Zed just kept telling me to “Doooooooo it.” So I did and I was hooked lol Thanks Zed :*

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

I guess write what you like and write it for yourself because you want to and never force it. Write what makes you happy 

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

Plot so much plot. Sometimes too much XD

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

I got a pretty vague condescending comment on a reader insert once (the fic was old lol) telling me that I need to write dialogue better followed by a sarcastic lesson in writing a dialogue. I just shrugged and moved on.

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

I am working on getting better at smut. Hopefully I’ll improve over time. I need to add more details I think?

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

Still working on some prompts. (Vampires, Neetwin, Mobuhan) My freaking canon fic jfc By the New year, I plan on starting a Cop au series of one shots. I have a plot line and all.

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)? See above XD

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself? Impossible with school going on. 27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started? I really hope so….

28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written?

I think Milestones and Bad Behavior because the former was my first fic and cake theif Erwin is dear to me and the latter was launched by my obsession and thirst for Officer Erwin RIP me.

29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written?

I like all of my fics.

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

Well, I’ll be writing probably during summers because I’ll be teaching by then. I’ll write in my cozy apartment with my future cats Erwin and Levi lol

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

Definitely thinking of the plot.

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

Probably getting down the ideas in writing and trying to have it go as well as it did in my head.

33. Why do you write?

To preserve my sanity. Comfort definitely. I just love writing Eruri so much 

This was pretty interesting and fun! Thanks for tagging me! 💕💕💕I hope this is readable because this app is broken as Fuck.

I will tag @shippingeruri @hedera-helixwriteseruri @chuulain @tsukinoyoukai @tsukareta-levi @erurifluff Only if you want to of course! I can’t wait to read all of these!

[chanibelle]

New Year, New Understanding?

I don’t find this piece particularly readable, and I’ll admit that I’m writing it more as a means to organize my thoughts than I am to present it to an audience. Regardless, this is a discussion of growing up with Depression and making sense of my personal situation. If you feel you might identify with this or that it may help you make sense of your situation as well, then I invite you to read through. If not, happy scrolling!

I’ve suffered from Major Depressive Disorder since I was in my single digits. For many, this has been known. I don’t shy away from talking about it, as it’s kind of hard to do anyway. Quite literally, since I can best remember, I have been depressed. The vast majority of the feelings I’ve felt, decisions I’ve made, and relationships I’ve entered into were born of my depression. Disclaimer: I don’t *blame* my depression for mistakes I’ve made. In the end, I am me, and I make independent choices with appropriate consequences. It is of particular note, however, that my identity and character has formed in and around a depressive mindset because...

I didn’t actually know I was suffering from depression until I was a) learning about the disorder in my AP Psychology course my senior year of high school, and b) officially diagnosed soon thereafter. There were, of course, fleeting moments of speculation and suspicion, and I had sometimes questioned whether or not I was feeling depressed. In retrospect, it makes crystal clear sense. I was perpetually suicidal, self-harming, addicted, acting out, short-tempered, in poor health, and the list really does go on. If I wasn’t rock-bottom low and crushed by the undertow of my own chemical malfunction, my norm was a mental neuropathy: numbness and stinging where there should have been comfortable contentment. The kicker was I had no idea that my norm was not actually normal. I’ll remind you that this was what I felt for as long as I can best remember. I didn’t know anything else, and I was especially unaware that my “norm” was, statistically speaking, entirely unknown to most everyone around me. You can imagine, I would hope, the waves of relief I felt when I could finally put a name to it all. The whirlpool of self-incrimination, self-doubt, regret, self-hatred, the quiet whisper that screamed to end it all night after night, the burden of believing I was a burden- it all had a single name, and it was treatable. Everything changed for me. It could end. It could finally fucking end.

Of course, it didn’t end, and I regret to report that it likely never will. But it did change, that much was true. Since then, I’ve learned to embrace my depression in full. I now know that it is a part of me, not the other way around. I know and firmly believe that I am loved by the people I love, and choosing to leave the world is not sparing them. Yes, I still have thoughts of dying from time to time, but it’s been years since I’ve had thoughts of suicide. I’ve learned not to hide my feelings or downplay them or bottle them by any means, but to simply discuss them, as any alternative is almost certain to be worse. I’ve even found reasons to feel thankful for my depression. For as long as I have suffered, I have also known an incredible desire to help others at any capacity, particularly where emotion is concerned. It is the primary reason why I pursue a career researching epigenetics in neuroscience. It is the reason I so readily empathize. It is the cause for my knack for poetry, song writing, drawing, and acting. It is why I appreciate and, as often as I can, befriend those who go astray. My humanity exists as presently as my pain because I have been depressed. While I am not necessarily thankful for it, it’s something I can at least appreciate.

It has been difficult (and pretty much not needed) to differentiate between my childhood depression and my adolescent depression. There’s been a notable difference entering adulthood, as noted earlier. I think I can best identify myself now as a functional depressive, but I’m realizing that even that isn’t as manageable as I often want it to be. 2017 was effectively a bit of a shit stain on my timeline. At this period in my life, I am floundering in my undergraduate studies (despite the intrinsic value for the subject), I am unemployed (despite my overall excellence and passion in the field), I am once again questioning my sexuality, which may or may not be on account of PTSD, I’m living where I really fucking don’t want to be so help me God, I am in a continuous state of “very much not healthy,” and I am thoroughly and impressively accustomed to failure overall anymore. One thing I haven’t typically been able to do, like, ever is swallow my pride. Lately, I’ve been taking it in giant swigs, and it tastes about as good as Kumchatka vodka on a Tuesday afternoon. In my adolescence, this feeling of defeat would have overcome me entirely, and by this point, I would be doing backstrokes in a pool of hopelessness. However, in this polite stage of adult functional depression, I’m waist deep in said pool and practicing pull-ups from the diving board. I can’t quite seem to pull myself out, but I’ve yet to let go. Meanwhile, I’m gaining absolutely no muscle mass from this activity, thanks to the buoyancy of the hopelessness.

I don’t want to die. I’m not going to give in. I’m still going to try. I know exactly what I want from my life, and I am aware of what it takes to acquire it. I also know that I posses the potential, capability, and intelligence to get there. But I have no motivation. I have no drive, and I sure as hell do not have a single fucking clue. If I am resolute in anything, it’s pure confusion. I knew the gravity of my depression before. I knew the weight it carried in the feelings I felt and decisions I made. But now? As an adult? Apparently, I just don’t know. Am I actually functional, or do I just think that because I don’t actively want to die? Is this better? Am I actually better?

Well, yes. I don’t want to die. That’s infinitely better. I want and care to succeed. That’s infinitely better. I picture my future. That is infinitely better. But in this new phase of my life, despite knowing the title, the disease, the treatment, the traps and pitfalls, the warning signs, I still don’t know my depression.

I’m still figuring it out, and I suppose that’s okay, but if this year will be spent doing anything (other than getting my shit together lmao), it’ll be getting to better understand the anchor in my head.

Happy New Year.

#depresson #disease #new year #resolution #confusion #dear diary #emotion #emotions #suicide #adulthood #adolescence #childhood #psychology #neuroscience #epigenetics #future #hopelessness #death #hope #potential #loved ones #understanding