Welp, I'm back from the doctor, and I have news.
So remember that important doctor's visit I mentioned last week when I said I might have to push a chapter back? Well, I went to it and it turns out I need very major surgery. They are hoping that it will fix the root cause of what's been plaguing me for the last few years, but it's going to require about 6 weeks of bed rest and I don't have a surgery date yet. I'll keep you posted. They are trying to rush me in for a date as soon as possible due to the severity of my condition so I've been to THREE doctor's appointments this week alone and two last week. I've had no time to write, so I'm aiming for next week as long as they don't call me and say I have to hop on the table because right now I'm waiting to hear back from them about the dye contrast MRI I had done yesterday (It's an internal surgery to remove two golf ball sized tumors that are putting pressure on some of my organs that may involve moving some organs around so they had to get better images smh) so that they know what they are working with. It's... scary.
I've never gone through anything like this and I'm very concerned, so hopefully, writing will help distract me if I get the chance. I was NOT expecting this when I got that emergency doctor follow-up phone call after my last visit post anaphylactic incident. I knew it was something, but I wasn't expecting this. I'll share more if any of you are interested since I don't mind, but yeah, I just wanted to let you know. At least the bed rest recovery being as long as it is will clear up my schedule, though I have no idea how I'll be feeling and I'll be in the hospital for several days so I have no idea how soon I'll be recovering after that. So it's a lot, yeah. But at least after fighting with my doctors for like 4 years, it's finally going somewhere. Hopefully somewhere better.
I'll keep you in the loop about dates and such so we know the schedule and have some idea of how long that will impact the near-term schedule, but yeah, it's a lot. I just wanted to update everyone. Thanks. I hope you're having a better week than I am lol! You take care out there. And if you need anything, let me know! I'll... be okay. Yikes, though. Have any of you ever had surgery? How did it go? If you are willing to share, that is. I'm just still in a little shock, I think. I hate pain. This is a lot. But hopefully, it will help. I'm hopeful that it will be worth it.
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can you believe that we have fanfiction. that we have websites dedicated to fanfiction. that there is a place that you can go and read tens, hundreds, thousands and thousands of pieces of writing that strangers have made. people who are not "writers". people who come home at the end of the day and have feelings and say, i am going to put that into words. i am going to share those words. short, long, sweet, sad, horny, funny, wonderful words. we are all just human and we all love to make and remake and share that with others. can you believe that.
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when u go to write a mentally ill person in ur story you are presented two options. the first option is to write your mental illness realistically as you actually experience it with all the ups and downs and people who are like you will resonate with it and feel seen. except every person who reads instagram infographics on mental health that uses the phrase narcicisst for anyone who does anything that crosses them and unironically call themself a dark empath will call you scary and tell you that youre demonizing mentally ill people
the second option is to lie and write inspiration porn for those people to get hard to
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
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Funniest thing I’ve seen on tiktok are those sigma male boys getting mad that American psycho was written by a gay man and going “well I like fight club better” buddy I’ve got some world ending devastating news for you
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