#I might actually pay money for this

[cluescorner]

I cannot imagine being a Damian stan right now. You've got both Zdarsky's bullshit (where he clearly doesn't give a shit about your boy) and The Boy Wonder (where Juni Ba clearly gives so many shits about your boy) coming out on the same day. The whiplash must be insane. I hope y'all get some nice warm soup for your efforts jfc

#damian wayne #damian al ghul #damian al ghul wayne #batman #batfamily #for all of the issues that come with having Steph as your fave having too much wild shit happening at once is never one of them #btw I quite like The Boy Wonder Issue 1. wow shocker an artist and writer who I have liked everything they've ever done #has once again written something that I am enjoying with art that makes me want to be part of its world. #it's almost like Juni Ba is really freaking talented or something #like I have some problems with it but it seems like many of those are part of the point. Damian is learning that his siblings are more #three-dimensional than he realized and that is part of this 'coming of age' story merged with fairytale #so I can't be mad at the oversimplistic defining of Dick and Jason and Tim until the conclusion of the series. that might be the point. #I hope that the series will address Steph as a Robin but if not then frankly it's not an issue unique to this series. #I'll be annoyed and disappointed but ultimately roll with it like I am with Babsgirl being here. There's too much good stuff here to get #hung up on shit that seems to be almost an editorial mandate at this point. at least that's where I'm at. #I am also very sorry that Chip Zdarsky is massacring your boy. he has 'X (Tim for him) is the best Robin so everyone else must suck' diseas #where a writer really likes one specific Robin and in trying to uplift them demeans all of the other Robins. instead of like...just writing #for that one character only or alternatively not demeaning the other characters in order to make his blorbo look good #it's wild because I actually think his writing for Tim is pretty solid. but he's not writing a Tim series. he's writing a Batman series. #and if you are going to write a Batman series and include other Batfamily members you need to actually write them well. #instead of assigning them like 2 personality traits while Tim gets to be a whole character #I accept that behavior in fanfic where I have lesser standards because it's fucking free. not a comic run that wants me to pay #tens of dollars in order to understand what the fuck is going on. he's been going for a while now it's gotta be a lot of money. #I can buy Steelworks with that money. I can see John Henry and Natasha Irons in a trade. Fuck you Chip. #it's why it takes such a special person to write a good ensemble story/a good Batfamily story. you have to be good at writing a LOT #of different characters. which I don't think most people are. I sure as hell am not. I can write maybe 3 at a time confidently well. #and you also have to give all of them at least SOME love or else people will be upset that you aren't focusing on their fave #and also the writing as a whole will suffer. Chip Zdarsky is a pretty good Tim writer. I'd maybe read a Tim solo written by him. #I would not read a story focusing on multiple characters that I like written by Chip Zdarsky. because every character who isn't Tim #is at least a bit weak/inconsistent/out of character INCLUDING FUCKING BATMAN. THE NO. 1 GUY MOST ARE HERE FOR

[thetrekkiehasthephonebox]

I just think that if your work is getting scraped, you should be paid. Not the host website. The actual creator of the work.

If you cover a song and you try to sell that cover, you still have to pay the original songwriter their mechanical royalty. Sure, the publisher will take a cut for doing the administrative work but the writer still gets theirs too.

You can't have it both ways. It can't be art on one side of the transaction and then not be art on the other. You don't get to only use copyright law as protection to benefit corporations, and then turn around and demand it not benefit the artists making the works.

And honestly? Do you really think the AI bubble could withstand needing to actually compensate the artists that've been ripped off and rehashed? I don't.

#honestly I think statutory royalties might be the way to shut them down forever #oh no! now you have to pay people money for their work! #I know tumblr likes to treat copyright law like it's the boogeyman sometimes #but as far as legislation goes the 1976 act was actually pretty amazing for artists #like copyright reversion??? #do you understand how fucking amazing that is? #not like congress will actually do anything because the GOP is committed to being useless to prove government is useless #but uh #maybe #anti ai

[your-writer-beta-side-piece]

Looks like it’s time for me to pop back up again begging for fics about my new hyper fixation!

What’s in store for you in this post:

*An impassioned plea throughout the whole post to all of you amazing writers

*Gifs that will keep you up at night too

🎅 *My Gator Tillman fic Christmas wishlist 🎅

🏆*A (Smutty) Rec at the bottom for the best Gator x OC I’ve found so far🏆

*More gifs because goddamn I’m in a chokehold 

It is seriously criminal how there’s like, two Gator x OC’s (that I can find, if you have any don’t hold out on me please!! I feel like I’m going through withdrawals having to wait a week for another episode as it is) on here and AO3. 

I mean come on we all love ourselves a slutty, dominate, broken character that we all fantasize about fixing. 

Not a single thought I’ve had about this man has of the Christ like variety, and I don’t think I really need to explain why just look at these gifs/photos:

HE HAS HANDCUFFS ON THE BED THE FICS ARE WRITING THEMSELVES 

🎅My Gator Tillman Fanfic Christmas wishlist🎅:

I want a full story fleshing out our new favorite loser, but still somehow so damn attractive, Gator

I want an ofc that is too good for him but we all know we’d sink that low too girl

I’d LOVE it if it followed canon. Like how in the show he’s trying to get her/he's going after her like he is trying to get Dot 

(come on if he was stalking you and called out to you and said “mama it’s time to come home” YOU TOO WOULD FOLD)

I want him to use those handcuffs on our girl once he finally gets her

I want smut 

Y’all on AO3 come up with the best damn oc’s there’s a reason they’re binding yalls books and talking about them all over booktok like you guys are published authors 

(Im not saying it’s right/that I participate or that it is even legal, I’m saying Ive seen it and I know you guys have the caliber of writing to make some people not give a fuck and try the law for some of you guy's stories)

I want him to call her mama

I want the dominance, the stalking, the cat and mouse chase

I want a plot as wild as this season and those families are

I know some people hate fics that follow plots of books or shows but this season is AMAZING and so fucking wild. I love it and I’d love to read about it and be immersed further into Fargo. I don’t want to leave the season 5 Fargo world I want to stay longer... with Gator

I want more smut 

A plot that can only be contrived by fanfic authors who have been reading and writing since they were 15 or even younger

I want even more smut 

I want all of the angst, good writing, and humor you can think of

I have a feeling we’ll need some of you fic doctors to write us a fix it fic of some sort 

But I especially want smut. I want to drown in smut. 

I want it all and you guys have served it all before so I know it's possible

If I could outline a whole plot, along with side plots, new characters and character arcs, write, and edit as fast as some of you guys can I would do it myself. I would do it for us. I’ve considered it. I mean I’ve been really considering it these past few days since it’s dryer out here than the Lyon’s bed. I’ve got an idea, lust, Christmas candy, and the hyper-focus to keep me interested for at least three to four weeks!! (I might have started if it wasn't the week before finals for me right now)

But some of you guys who’ve written for Steve Harrington (let alone other fandoms) have the ability to be best selling authors, so I know these communities have both the talent, ability, and the horniness to do this. 

I believe in you guys, I believe in us. Let's do it for Christmas 🎄

REC I PROMISED:

Since it is the season of giving, I’m going to share my favorite fic so far. Let me know if there’s any fics we need to add, OR if there’s any books with love interests like Gator, for science 👀 

Again the general criteria I’m using is along the lines of:

Is there an actual story going on?

Is there an oc who has a purpose, goals, wants, needs, an actual arc of some sort?

Is Gator Tillman still sexy af?

Is it following canon or is it original?

Is the plot and characterization good?

Does Gator call her mama or is it at least probable that he will 👀 ?

Is the grammar/writing good?

Basically the same stuff we all want to check off 

MY FAVORITE FIC SO FAR REC: 

The best I’ve found so far has been: 

Every Little Thing

By BuckysGrace

Link:

Why I like love it:

1.) The writing is pretty damn good

Normally we have to wait a few weeks or months with new movies/shows/books for people to have time to write and publish their well written and plotted fics but we have been blessed early!!

I really like the sprinkle of tid bits to come here and there. The authors really laying the foundation down for this story leaving little comments and hints here and there in their writing and characters conversations. 

I can tell that the author is really working hard to create believable oc's and a world that could actually be a part of the Fargo TV show universe.

2.) Damn the little taste of smut we got just flamed the fire!

Tell me why I could actually visualize Gator during that scene?!?! It really felt like his characterization was perfect here! And damn I love me some dominant, possessive, jealous himbos who would kill for me or worse.

I PROMISE I'M TRYING SO HARD NOT TO SPOIL ANYTHING FOR YOU GUYS!!!

3.) I really like our girl Daphne (OC)

I feel like I can actually see her. Like I can hear her when she speaks. I can feel the awkwardness of her situation and her uncomfortableness radiating through me. 

I like that she's shaping up to be a character with wants and goals and not just a 2-d romantic partner

4.) GODDAMN THAT DINNER WAS AWKWARD AND SEXY 

I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE AFTERMATH ooooooo boy.  I’m not spoiling anything. You can suffer (and enjoy 😏) that part all for yourselves

5.) We have confirmation from the author that there is a whole ass plot and story in the works

I love to hear it almost as much as I love to read it! But I could tell that they had some stuff in mind from the way they were writing alone before the confirmation. 

6.) AND ITS GOING TO FOLLOW CANON EVENTUALLY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME US! 

I might just get to hear Gator call our girl mama before I die from fic starvation. Plus we just might get the stalker Gator on page like we have on screen!

7.) I like the dual time line

It’s done a good job of getting me hooked. I’m really interested in learning more about Daphne’s past and her relationship with Gator. I think as time goes on as we learn more about their relationship and her relationship with both her family and his things are really gonna kick off.

4.) Gators characterization seems to be pretty accurate 

He's selfish, possessive, dominante, kind of a jackass, but he is also sweet to those he cares about. Which, is something I've noticed when watching the show, and I've seen some posts talking along similar lines. I don't think he's mean deep down, I don't think he has it in him. I think the facade he puts on is the product of his father.

BUT I'm not excusing anything he's done of course

6.) The grammar is pretty good 

Good writing like punctuation and sentence structure along with good story telling is just so important to me. I'm one of those people who can't get into a story if it's not written well.

7.) GUYS IM SMELLING THE ANGST COMING

Some of us are like blood hounds for this stuff, you read hundreds or even thousands of fics and books and you can start to know what goodies are coming your way. And I can feel the pain train a comin down the tracks! 

8.) The smut is promising to be real real good 

I just want to circle back to this for a moment because I am so excited to read more

What I don’t like about it:

It’s not longer/finished already so I can't devour it in one sitting 😭

You might not have read it yet 

@buckysgrace

I think the only way through this is to fill our thirst for this man and if here and TikTok have shown me anything it’s that we’re DAMN thirsty! 

WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE!? GO WRITE MORE GATOR X OC SO WE CAN ALL DEVOUR IT ON A03 OR READ BUCKYSGRACE’S FIC AND CRY WITH ME THAT THERES NOT MORE OF IT OR MORE OF ANY OTHER GATOR X OFC FICS 😭😭😭

*Did I write all of this instead of doing homework and studying for next weeks finals? Yes. Am I eventually going to devolve into a fic rec/review only blog? Maybe maybe not.

More gifs/photos for research purposes

#fargo s5 #fargo season 5 #fargoedit #fargo #gator tillman #gator tillman x reader #gator tillman smut #gatortillman #joe keery #steve harrington smut #steve harrington #gator tillman x oc #jack skellington #at this point I might actually pay money #all I want for Christmas is this #christmas #tv #tvedit #please god have me be reborn in this world in the next life #smut #rough smut #ao3 fanfic #ao3 #gif #I think I can fix him #or make him much worse #gator tillman fic #steve harrington x reader #archive of our own #gator tillman x y/n

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

hey guys just doodling the guy again (i am booed offstage)

#death note #l lawliet #bright colors #eyestrain #my art #yeah it’s him again #went to actually draw something but like #eh #might as well draw this guy #i’m projecting my tiredness onto him but is it really projection if he’s also tired? i don’t think so #i would pay cash money to pass out for the next 24 hours dm me and i’ll give you my location and u can bonk me on the head w a bat #genuinely think the lack of sleep has been aggravating a lot of my issues i’ve been weirdly flipping between like #paranoia and weirdly happy and irrational anger and just deeply numb #which actually now that i think about it is exactly what happens every time i don’t sleep enough for long enough #methinks i should sleep more snork mimimi it makes my brain work better #god i want to sleep so bad rn #but i have to do laundry and make 2 pies for other people to consume tomorrow #i plan on decorating the crusts w dicks or smth bc i hate the people it’s going to and they are very conservative religious sorta vibes #but some people there would get a kick out of it (the good ones) #u know i was wondering if i really complain about being tired enough for those anons about sleep and y’know what #i really do #and i will forever #if i’m tired u will know of it and thats because it’s always #maybe i should try that caffeine shit people rave about (<- has not drank energy drinks or sodas or coffees since i was like. 14) #actually i think my heart would give out idk what’s with it but it gets silly sometimes so i don’t think it would like caffeine #or maybe idc who knows #the best solution imo is passing out forever and ever and waking up and hopefully being refreshed or smth

[resident-gay-bitch]

little rich boy sirius who gets disowned and can barely survive without his expensive brands and the basic human need to eat at least once a day meeting the entirely too generous james potter who just falls for the vanity and sincerity of the reformed rich boy and decides that once sirius stops caring about brands and status and rich boy things and just cares about what matters in life he decides to spoil his boyfriend to pieces because he’s secretly sitting on a fucking fortune

#idk i just think it’s funny #like james would find sirius when he’s struggling with money because he’s so bad at saving and prioritising his spendings because he’s never #had too before and so james would teach him how to do all that stuff and emotionally support sirius through it all and sirius just falls in #love with this beautiful guy who’s just so generous and who teaches him so many things and finds value in kindness and sincerity and #compassion and all that jazz and james falls in love with sirius helplessly because he might be stuck up and vein and kind of selfish and #is stuck up and cares all too much about status but he’s trying so hard to be better and he finds empathy because sirius got kicked out for #the worst reasons because he’s always been the black sheep of his highly cultist christian family or whatver and he’s also outwardly queer #and james decides that he wants to give sirius everything and loves the way he looks in expensive makeup and designer faux fur coats and #heels and divine jewellery and all that jazz but makes sirius sell it all and learn what it means to be human and not rely on money and #status and brands and stuff and sirius learns what it’s like to be decent and in touch with humanity and only then does james take sirius on #a surprise luxury holiday for his birthday or something and then just buys him thousands of dollars worth of all these glamorous looking #things and sirius is like omg what the fuck jamie and then he just becomes sirius’ sugar daddy because he can’t help himself but they’re #also in love and much better people because of it and when sirius buys things now it’s not because of brands or because they have big price #tags like he used too. he now buys things with james’ credit card he keeps in his own wallet because he thinks he’ll feel pretty in them or #because he thinks james will loose it if he sees sirius walking around in it or if he sees a really cute toaster that sends him into a #frenzy that has him spending all way too much on an impromptu kitchen renovation but james doesn’t care because as long as his boyfriend is #happy and actually paying attention to the price of things and calculating the best value and taking james’ opinion as well and just being #happy and safe and accepted in his new home and family here with his jamie #please i think they’d be so cute ugh!!! #prongsfoot #bambibelle #drabble #fic idea #marauders #james potter #sirius black #jay talks

[gio-cosmo]

The p3r dlc really has me walking around Tartarus with the Junes theme playing in the background. What a time to be alive.

#“Gio did you seriously spend 200 dollars on the aigis deluxe addition and then pay 35 dollars for a dlc are you fr??’’ #“Gio they are practically stealing ur money away from you at this point what on earth are you doing’’ #IDK 😭😭😭 #nahhh I’m actually kind of broke now I’m getting worried abt my money supply ☺️ especially considering I’m still jobless ☺️ #I might be getting a job at a dishwasher soon tho 😯 #urgh I can’t believe people actually have to work….society…. #tbh I’ll probably end up backing out last second as always bc I don’t want to wash dishes :( #why would I wash dishes when I could be writing or drawing :( #urgh #agghhhh #persona #persona 3 #persona 3 reload #p3 #If I actually do end up getting the job (doubt) I genuinely bet I’ll last a week before either quitting or getting fired #like fr 😭 I’m cooked #I have the worst work ethic ever it’s actually crazy #HELPPP WHY AM I RAMBLING ABT MY JOB TROUBLES UNDER A PERSONA POSTTTT #LMAOO #I lovveeee oversharing on the internet 💕🫶 🎉 #anyways every days great at your Junes and whatnot #wish I could work at Junes smh #the junes theme song would make it bearable #BEARable haha get it haha bc teddie is a bear and teddies the mascot haha #persona 4 #p4 #persona 4 golden

[chaos-has-theories]

You know - the Revolution moral of "sometimes the adults won't do what's necessary, so sometimes you have to be the one to step in. Maybe you're the adult now" gets a bit... muddled... by the fact that it's also about "haha imagine Chloé as mayor even though she's 14? Oh look finally her father stepped in and put his foot down".

#Does the show intend the impossible ridiculousness of an unelected teenaged mayor? #Is it trying to make a statement along the lines of Fridays For Future in our heroes' power-ups? #And how even do these writers think parenting works? #Tune in next time I have too much time on my hands when I compare the Jirina Prekop methods (boooo!) with the Jesper Juul approach (woooo!) #bc one fun fact about me is that I've had a special interest in parenting manuals since I was fifteen #and I only just found the prekop at a yard sale #which is the only way I will ever pay money for it #miraculous ladybug #chaos rambles #(which is to say. tell me if that breakdown sounds interesting to you bc then I might actually do it) #ml revolution #ml salt

[felizusnavidad]

i'm going home tomorrow & i'm so excited to see my family, i really missed them

#also my mom told me some time ago that i'm really brave & i shouldn't give up #but i don't feel brave i feel tired #so basically i had three different jobs this year #first one i quit because i hated it & it was too chaotic #i got fired from the second one after over a month because apparently i was too nice #now the third one i know is just temporary because it's similar to the one i quit last year #and it's only because i need money so i can't stay jobless #my situation is kinda fucked up because i live here alone so i have to pay rent #and i really don't want to go back to my parents #i know i can but i wanna stay here #i've been working so hard to move to my favourite city and i want to start studies here this year i just can't give up #so i just took the job i didn't want #and i keep looking for something i might actually like #but god i'm tired #i feel like the biggest fucking failure #i just need a normal fucking job jesus why is it so hard #i don't want to work with customers anymore i hate people #and i also want to earn a little more money because trust me it's not that easy to live fucking alone #i mostly spend my money on food cause unfortunately i have to eat #but i'm not interested in just surviving i really want to start feeling alive again #ugh #talking shit for the hell of it*

[savrenim]

not to be another donations post but you may remember how over the summer we had massive amounts of plumbing problems and other unexpected moving costs? well. after proceeding to work every single hour available to me for six months, take no holidays whatsoever, and budget the hell out of every aspect of my life, I was actually on track to pay everything back and maybe have a little bit of wiggle room by the time summer came around!

and then we got a call from the vet about routine labs saying that if we didn't take Suzy in to an emergency specialty hospital immediately, she would die within in a week, she might die anyways if we took her there, but it was our only chance to have a few more months with her. after an extremely difficult household discussion, we decided that we needed to do as much as we could for her. she's been a beloved member of the family for 18 years. we were not going to abandon her in her hour of need.

with two days at the specialty hospital, the prognosis was better than we could have possibly hoped! the most important thing is she does not have heart problems at all, which means that we can treat her chronic kidney disease with normal IV fluids and with careful treatment she could easily be with us for years to come. the timely intervention also may or may not have saved her from acute kidney failure too, we'll know when we go back to the vet on Wednesday to get her blood checked where her levels have stabilized at.

two days at the specialty hospital means we are also down $3652 , and no longer are on track to pay back everything by July when it comes due unless a couple of uncertain things going forward Go Right, I do not trust everything to Go Right, and we're also still uncertain about what long-term treatment going forward is going to cost.

I still have my ko-fi and my patreon, but honestly, I'm aware that everything is tight for everyone always and there are also a lot of causes that need money right now and in the face of that "hey my family went super out on a limb to try to save our cat and would love some help not falling off" feels kind of shallow. but like. not to sound dumb or like a youtuber or podcaster, but, like. honestly I think the Most Helpful Thing that anyone could do for me right now is take a fucking HelloFresh link that will send you a "free" box for cost-of-shipping ($7ish?) if you Sign Up For An Account that you can then cancel Immediately After The Box Has Shipped and Never Give Them Any More Money Than That and get Six To Ten Meals Out Of It, and for getting someone to "sign up", they will give me a free box too. like. if 13 people are willing to take a link then I don't need to worry about food for the next three months. which would be. HUGE.

so I guess.... dm me if you want a link? otherwise expect to see a lot of promotion of my writing/ patreon as I scramble the hell to try to make this money up

#my life #pet sick for tw #donation post #sort of #yes I am aware that Hello Fresh is problematique / union-busting #they are also currently the only easily accessible source of Free Food that we can actually eat/use #honestly if anyone Wants To Help but doesn't really have the $7 for shipping #I will freaking venmo you back the $7 after I get confirmation of account credit #sending someone $7 for $60 of groceries still means you have Gifted Our Household with net $50 of food #at no cost to yourself #I'm not in As Shitty of a place as last summer bc my mother is also deeply emotionally attached to Suzy #and has agreed to spot us in July for a bit of the money if we pay her back in September #it's just!!!! really FUCKING frustrating!!!!!! we had the money saved!!!! I have spent the last six months KILLING myself to have the money #and now we are back to nearly square 1 except with six months instead of twelve months to make up the difference #so. free food would be much appreciated. as that would also mean that no matter what bullshit the next few months throws at us we at least #know that there will be weekly groceries shipped to us #me @ my job give me overtime hours #legit might destroy me again to work a 240hr month a month or two in a row #but three months of THAT would put me in the clear and they've got free coffee and energy drinks at work #however in lieu of my job giving me the ability to Not Practice The Best Self Care in return for Ungodly Amounts Of Money #'hi friends and mutuals can I interest you in a HelloFresh box' is the best I can do #I swear I will never start a youtube channel or start podcasting tho

[bucksangel]

gonna get my mans to buy my plane ticket to florida this summer

#for clarification: he’s not my *mans* #he’s a dude that’s such a simp he’ll send me money in exchange for a few pics and videos #i love that for me #he doesn’t do it all the time #but he’s in a stage where rn he might actually pay for my ticket #𓆩♡𓆪 angel's thoughts 𓆩♡𓆪

[tum-bakery]

Okay I've gotten a LOT of asks lately asking how I draw what I draw and I was a bit curious-

#bakerspeakin #The three options are basically that you'd pay for it- you wouldn't pay for it- or you aren't at all interested #I think this might be fun but tbh I also... don't wanna keep giving FREE art advice ya know? #I'd also probably put in the time/money to actually get some ethically sourced reference pics to put in it as well #Also I might do one for p reg and one for othee bellies and potentially sell them together...

[soldier-poet-king]

I know I literally just finished my grief of stones reread but what if I need it again right now immediately???

I'm gonna go watch snk and pick up Flannery O'Connor's short stories BC I've been listening to Sufjan's seven swans on repeat all day. Apparently I only like sad people art

(+ mandatory HOTE reread and ATFOTS read BC Victoria Goddard is going to be in the city next month, but like even THAT is sometimes sad. Really feeling fitzroy's grief rn)

#the duality of fran #WE'RE HAVING A NORMAL ONE #tattoo appt booked for first weekend of nov tho #it'll be multi session to get the whole half sleeve done #but its a start #and i have money saved up #still only a fraction of what I'd have to pay in rent in the city atm #so. might as well stave off the urge to lie down and die with some art #even if im the only one who likes it #(thinking abt affection and being tolerated for eccentricities not loved for them #i mean quirks of personality. not major flaws) #and im. hm. #actually maybe tswift was right on this one. im tired of being simply tolerated

[dreamlogic]

2024 year of charlie gets a fucking break (hopefully. maybe. tbd.)

#ctxt #i'm on medication that's reduced my post-hysterectomy pain by about 70% #i have an intake appointment with a physical therapist in march & a referral to start trigger point injections #to hopefully finally recover as completely as possible from the nightmarish neuropathy that's plagued me since uuuhhhh #going on 2 years ago. holy shit. genuinely can't believe i've been surviving & functioning as well as i have for this long #while suffering a disabling & extremely painful surgical complication. fuck my original surgeon for brushing me off during that time #but the new provider i'm working with is so responsive & thorough in her approach & seems genuinely committed #to helping me finally get relief after all this time. she listens to my feedback & is flexible in her approach #and her assistant is a great communicator who's been handling most of the logistics of care coordination for me #and what a huge fucking relief that is. to not have to drag my doctors kicking & screaming towards maybe treating me eventually #i wanna cry. i finally feel like i'm being taken seriously and cared for. and i'm not BETTER yet (might never be the same as i was pre-op) #but i actually feel optimistic for the first time in over a year that i won't just have to deal with this agonizing pain on my own forever #i might actually see enough improvement that i can start to get back to living my life instead of just surviving it #money is tighter than it's been since i got laid off during early pandemic and that's stressing me out #but i promised myself that i would put my health first in 2024 and that means only working the bare minimum needed to pay my bills for now #genuinely i so fucking needed a break. i felt like i was trying to swim through a meat grinder last year #and it wasn't until i ended up in the ER about it that i finally was able to take my own pain seriously enough #to put my foot down & make some necessary changes that are now letting me focus on Getting Well With Myself at last #in hindsight it's like. really freaking me out how thoroughly i was able to compartmentalize & dissociate from how miserable i was #bc nobody who had the ability to help me would take me seriously & my shitty boss was like. extremely textbook emotionally abusive #and on one hand that was a survival mechanism that kept me on my feet during one of the worst times of my life. so props to myself there #but it was also very maladaptive how long & unnecessarily it went on before i snapped out of it & escalated things for my own safety #it was the same helpless frustration i often felt as a kid of like 'well nobody is on my side but me so i gotta suck it up & help myself' #and i think the family trauma shit that was going on last year definitely contributed to that. idk sense of doubling across time? #and things had to get Extremely Bad before they were bad enough for me to realize that although i felt like it #i am no longer an isolated & parentified island of a child who is beholden to the whims of ignorant & indifferent adults #i actually can and should take action to advocate for myself bc i am an adult and i CAN now change my circumstances as needed #instead of just enduring them as if i'm stuck there with no agency or chance to change things #and i have a really solid support system who helped me feel like it was possible to stand up for myself to get the help i desperately need #chronic blogging

[rubenesque-as-fuck]

Woo did at least one productive thing today and finished submitting my taxes

#was a very lazy Saturday I just napped on and off most of the day #but felt like I needed to check at least one task off of the chores list #and actually was pleasantly surprised at the refund I'm getting too #i was expecting to owe money with the addition of my OF earnings but even with that added I stillgot a decent amount back #mostly because the state is doing a nice kickback #might be able to finally pay off my credit cards in the next month or so now 😊 #which have not been fully paid off since right before covid first hit #sooooo approximately 4 years #and that time they had barely been paid off for a month or two before the pandemic shit hit the fan #and before then the last time everything was paid off I still lived in California lol

[goldensunset]

now that my sisters are hooked on playstation gaming bc they got to try it for a bit i’m like guuuuys if we all pool our money we could invest in a ps5 together… (they want to play the fanciest most realistic games from this decade and i want to play a clunky series that’s older than me)

#y’know that one gag headline #‘huge [game series] fan excited to finally play it’ #yeah for those of you who don’t know. i’m a switch only gamer i don’t even have kingdom hearts #i’ve played part of some of the console games at riya’s house but the rest is all lore osmosis bc i refuse to sit through a playthrough #that’s part of why i don’t talk about the ‘main’ games that much lol #only for the subject matter i’m actually confident in #of course i’ve watched lots of the cutscenes from lots of the games #but never in full #just here and there #peach rambles #i know a ps4 would be relatively cheap at this point and still be great #but my concern tbh is that kh4 will be a ps5 exclusive #or otherwise that the ps4 would explode or whatever #i know it’s still better hardware than a switch but. it would seem worth it to invest in a next gen console #especially if i’m only paying part of the cost #i think my sisters being in on playstation gaming might be a game changer bc i really do not need or want one myself just for kh #that’s a ton of money for something that simple #and it’s not a mobile console so i wouldn’t drag it to school anyway #so like. i wouldn’t mind sharing it with my sisters at home

[du-hjarta-skulblaka]

So yeah avoiding my phone didn't work and also meant I sat on the kitchen floor staring into space for about 3 hours before Alfie woke up but hey at least I didn't break anything

Them being around is helping a little but they're also struggling and it fuckin sucks bc I know we're both just. Rotating money stress in our minds

#like. i went out earlier to get bread #just bread bc we cant afford anything else #got just enough in the bank to cover the work thing but since management stjll hasnt gotten back to me on HOW to pay it its like #our electricity is already in debt lol it has a thing where you can go £10 into debt before it switches off #and it usually wont switch off over weekends #presumably bc all but 1 places nearby thst we can top it up at are shut on weekends but anyway #so we're like. okay. it MIGHT last today and if it does thst SHOULD mean itll last till monday. #but then itll be at least a tenner in debt #then we only have to last till thursday but its. do we keep this money thats for The Thing that is once again unclear on how urgent it is #or do we spend it on the Soon To Be Immdiately Urgent thing #and thats not even CONSIDERING food lmao we. i got 2 loaves of bread so we can at least survive on toast for a few days #we got 3 maybe 4 meals worth of stuff still in the kitchen #like...at this point i dont even care if i have to go a few days without eating at all to make it to thursday but its. #its so fucked up those are the terms im thinking in #and this isnt asking for more donations i really cannot take that today im at the fuckin bottom of my barrel #and already feel hopeless and useless and an active drain to everything around me #but its. like. how. why. why is it still like this. why is it looking extremely unlikely its ever gonna change. #whats the point if its all for a few scattered handful hours of actual peace and comfort never mind happiness #tldr yes i am once again suicidal but small s #like in the sense of i would feel immense relief if a truck came at me on my way to work tomorrow and would not step out of the way but #dont have it in me to actually consciously act upon