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rigelmejo · 3 years

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Observations when I study multiple languages at the same time:

Hello so good morning all. 早上好大家，我就着急啊哈哈....

I awoke today and my brain SPUN because I can read some Chinese, but I forgot how to say I woke up and got out of bed in chinese. I also just?? I suppose my brain worried and was like? “Do you even remember how to read french? do you even know any Chinese? Or is the new Japanese just overwriting old stuff?!”

I rationally know japanese probably won’t overwrite the rest because like - the first 5 months I studied chinese it just blocked out my French active recall unless I purposely used French a bit. But I didn’t lose any French as far as reading ability, and I got my French active recall back once I used French for a few hours/days. So it would be quite normal if my Japanese is recalled easier than my chinese for a few months. But my brain is like “we worked So hard to get to read what we Can read and say what we Can say we will be SAD if we lose it!!”

反正早上好我床上来了。我已经醒了。我不忘记很多的词。我着急为了没有的意思。我就找到一个翻译词典为了检查对的词。我猜不错。幸好！还我就可以阅读在法语，很好啊。今天我早阅读法语书一下，很容易。我没事。

My chinese may be a mess grammatically I know.

Anyway. I am. Thrilled I didn’t forget that many actual words. Universe help me if Japanese grammar starts fucking up my Chinese grammar tho. I mean I hope not because French never got fucked up; but to be fair to French I DID forget a ton of the conjugations when actually speaking/listening ToT I can barely recall French conjugations anymore unless I actively look at some textbooks or Le Français Par Le Method Nature to refresh myself. Likewise, I studied Japanese probably over 1.5 years ago now and since then, I’ve forgotten nearly all the verb conjugation endings I used to know with the exception of: ます、ません、じゃない、です／だ、じゃありません、ありまう、います、i know te form exists still though I completely forget what it’s for? Giving orders/suggestions? I forgot how adjectives conjugate but I remember they do? And I certainly forgot how words change when connected to their verb endings - I think there’s i and ru verbs? And they conjugate slightly different? And maybe nakatta is past tense negative, and katta is past tense positive (though I can’t remember if it’s katta or something else tta)?

Basically I forgot a HUGE portion of Japanese grammar. I also forgot Word order, I nearly forgot particles (I still have vague recognition of は、が、を、に、の、か). And I remember でも means but because it’s one of the few words I hear constantly and still catch. Also daijoubu (I may be spelling it wrong) for ok (I remember hearing it in YouTube and shows way more than any learning material I had, and I remember I’ve heard a similar word in thai dramas). 大丈夫／だいじょうぶ - using imiwa dictionary app I’m fairly sure that’s the word I’m remembering. Anyway I forgot... so much of my Japanese it’s like I just am relearning from almost scratch but with a vague impression it’s all familiar. I relearned these words/phrases lately which all sound extremely familiar now that I’ve heard them again: そうです、ここ、そこ、あそこ、駅／えき、子園／こえん, お電気／おでんき、今／いま、今日/きょう、あおい／青い、人/じん、話します／はなします、分かります/わかります、どこ、じゃまた.

Among the good things, I do remember most kana upon seeing them again, I think it’s just a few katakana i don’t remember unless I’m reading katakana then I recognize the word and remember the sound - like my name ミジョ/みじょ MeJo “mi-jo.” I always forget specifically ミ、シ、lol. I also forgot the way to extend vowels in katakana versus hiragana until I saw it again. And I still don’t quite remember why cake isカアク, but something else might be ice cream with a - like アーカイブ?

Anyway. Like I mentioned, this morning I read some French to assuage my fear and remind myself i can Actually still read French. I have not actually forgotten, even though my active recall is shot to hell unless I practice. And I did read, and aside from a few words I distinctly remember always confusing me and never looking up, I read fine. I’m fairly sure I read that novel easier than I’d ever read it before, even, catching more details this time than any time previously. So clearly my French reading skills are still fine, have been maintained, and if anything then over the years they’ve still marginally improved a bit.

I suppose my biggest concern with chinese is just... that I want to absolutely ensure my reading skill hits that vague “specific tipping point” that my French reading skill did. The point at which, once reached, your reading skill does not slip below “capable of grasping the overall gist of main ideas” and if you read every few days or weeks then also may continue improve over time. I remember in French, BEFORE I hit that “specific tipping point,” if I stopped reading for a while, then when I came back to reading things were harder to comprehend again and it took a bit of extra work to re-establish the foundations. But after a certain tipping point was reached, even if I didn’t read French for a few weeks or months, when I came back I had a basis of understanding that never fell below “at least able to follow gist of main idea” and often picked up any forgotten words within a few hours, then picked up new words to learn. And so I could continue “picking up where I left off” with learning instead of fighting with my reading skills sliding backwards. They no longer slid backwards, they only got “rusty” and then once polished up in a few hours, would resume improving. It’s the stage I want my chinese reading to reach, because once it reaches that point I will no longer worry I’ll forget the foundational skills - it’s decently doable to re-familiarize yourself with specialized words as needed (we even do it in English if say we read a psychology book for a class 4 years ago then pickup a new psychology class, etc). But it’s difficult to build the original foundation skills everything leans on. In Japanese, I never finished building it - I think I was finally starting to at 2.5 years in, then I gave up. As a result, I lost a significant portion of that foundation I had not finished building. At first I retained some of it, but from years of no review AND no continuing to finish building it, that foundation crumbled. So now I remember pieces of Japanese, but not enough to rely on. Whereas my French had enough time devoted to finishing the foundation, that now even if I take a few months or a year away from it, if I go back to speaking/reading/listening to French then the foundation is remembered quickly and I can start learning mostly where I left off and just jump to improving again (instead of needing months to relearn). While I can relearn/strengthen the basic things in French, I can also jump into books or listening or convos and know enough to just learn from doing, and still remember enough that I’m Capable of interacting with those things and comprehending enough To do them.

I think of it like drawing - idk when it happens with a skill like drawing, I drew since I was able to hold things so I don’t know. But basically whether you draw everyday, or stop for a few months or a year then return to drawing, within a few hours of drawing again all your previous skill comes back to you. If you forgot something you’d learned, usually a few minutes or hours re-learning is enough to drag your skills up to where they were before. So you can quickly return to your former skill level last time you drew, and quickly start improving further. So each time you draw, you’ve retained your skill from before (mostly) and improve your skill, then that skill improvement carries over to the next time you draw. It’s great. In some ways, my French skill is like that - I quickly can get to the comprehension level I was at last time I engaged with French, can improve from there, and then the next time I engage with French I can pick up from the level to which I’d improved to. I may forget some specifics I didn’t use much or learn as well - specialized words, or ways to express myself I rarely use (so rarely reinforce), but if I re-study them it takes a few hours to get those back (instead of the months it took to learn the first time). I am so grateful my French is past that “specific tipping point” because it makes French way easier to retain a useful level in, and easier to pick it back up when i have time and improve it as needed in the areas needed and retain the improvements I make for the most part. In Japanese, I never reached that “specific tipping point” of having established enough of a foundation. So I lost a lot of what I knew.

With Chinese, I really want to ensure I’ve reached past that “specific tipping point” of enough of a foundation, before I give it less dedicated time. I don’t want to lose the chinese I’ve learned, since it’s a significant amount. And... even more than that, my chinese speaking and listening ability is in many ways BETTER than my French, because I worked on it, and I don’t want to lose those abilities either to the degree I’ve developed them. In French, i know I have very low levels of speaking/listening in comparison to my reading and they lag behind as a result - even once they reached the “specific tipping point” a year later than reading in French, they still lag a ton behind my reading (think A1-2 French speaking/listening skills, versus French B1-B2 reading skills). Meanwhile, I’ve been trying to make it so my listening/speaking skills only lag behind my chinese reading skills a little bit. And I’d like all of those skills to reach the “specific tipping point” where I am able to retain the majority of those skill levels, before I work on chinese less frequently.

I know myself. With Japanese, at 2.5 years in I was Just starting to hit the beginning of making that foundation I could retain later - I was just starting to read and comprehend the gist of the main plots in manga, to watch YouTube or play games and grasp the bare gist of what the main ideas was. In French, those skills started at about 5 months in, and I don’t think they hit “specific tipping point” of me being able to rely on keeping those skills perpetually, until 1.5 years in. With Japanese, as I said, i hit the beginning of building them around 2.5 years in, and just never solidified them enough to hit the “specific tipping point” unfortunately. With Chinese, at least in reading (since I’m only discussing reading skill in all 3 languages), I probably hit the beginning of building these skills at month 10-11. That was when I could start reading manhua without a dictionary, novels without a dictionary (and grasp the main ideas gist at minimum), and watch shows and do the same. Which again, is higher than Japanese even was at its beginning-foundation, as I couldn’t even Read novels or listen to Japanese audio on its own and follow the main idea. So I suppose, to compare the absolute beginnings of each foundation being built: in French it was month 3 (when I could start brute forcing through news/Wikipedia and comprehend some gist of main ideas), Japanese year 2.3ish (when I started brute forcing through manga and comprehending very roughly some main ideas), month 6-8 in chinese (when I started brute forcing shows and novels and comprehended honestly more than I can believe I managed to in retrospect, considering how much easier those still-challenging tasks feel now). Anyway... Chinese has seemed to take 2x as much time to improve compared to my French. I do suspect chinese normally takes native English speakers roughly the FSI recommended 4x as much time. I suspect my French learning plan was just not very optimal for my learning style, so it wasn’t as efficient. Likewise... I suspect Japanese should normally take roughly 4x to 5x longer to improve then French. I suspect mine took SO long last time particularly, because I did not even have a good study plan for myself until year 2 of Japanese study.

So... based on all that. I imagine my chinese will be very firmly where i want it’s minimum skill to reliably maintain the foundation of what I know, to be at.. year 2-3. Year 2, if I keep improving as well as I’ve been doing (and assuming if my French had been more consistent it would’ve been at the “specific tipping point” by year 1). And year 3 if I don’t always study as much, or it simply takes longer (so twice the 1.5 years French took). Which honestly... 3 years is still intensely fast as I see it. And, if I’m improving the way I think I have been, I can’t even imagine how ill be in year 3. Anyway... based on all of that... I think it would be a bad idea to pick up Japanese heavily until my chinese is past at least year 2. With my 1 year+ of French, at that point I was also studying Japanese, and they seemed to work fine as I studied both - the only thing was it slowed down my French progress. So I do think waiting to do anything heavy with japanese, until my chinese is a good play I’m ok to let it simply maintain for the most part, is probably a safer plan.

—-

Realistically... no reason I can’t lightly re-study Japanese though and Just like rebuild the beginnings of the foundation I had though, it was probably N4 starting into N3 when I gave up. So I could probably re-learn some old stuff without taking too much time from chinese. And then if my chinese is year 2 by then, that sure would be convenient. Lol this is all... me contemplating. When we all know the truth is, I’m going to do whatever I want to do in the moment, and see what happens o3o

I am gonna tentatively say though, I think as long as I don’t abandon Chinese for any length of time until at least 2-3 years in, it should probably be maintained at least though at where it’s at/gradually improve. I didn’t lose any French during the times I kept using it, even when studying Japanese and russian, the “specific tipping point” didn’t really matter until I stopped using French for months at a time. I am sure I will notice if another language study is slowing down my chinese study though, in which case I’ll pause the other language if I have a Chinese goal that needs more time for attention.

At the moment, my Chinese goals are going about as expected. I wish I could carve some more time for them, but I’m giving them as much time as they were getting throughout the fall - so it’s not like they’re getting any less time than usual. (I am just inpatient, and wish I was the kind of person with the time and focus to give them 4-6 hours a day lol).

#January progress #progress #Japanese #Chinese #French #rant

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multifandom--imagine · 5 years

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LAST NIGHT || ALEXEI (SMUT)

warning: I've never written smut and so don't expect anything explicit or 50 shades of gray lmao. Also English is not my mother language so I might have done something grammatically wrong.

Your life surely was definitely not the correct definition of normal, indeed to be honest since you moved to Hawkings your life had definitely taken an abnormal turn.

The day before you were simply Sheriff Hopper's assistant, you can tell his apprentice and your days were limited to making fines on the street and delivering donuts to your boss. And now here you are in a bunker together with your boss, his "lover" or anyway partner in crime Joyce, a crazy communist named Murray and a Russian scientist named Alexei, or so he called himself, sitting at a table and plotting on a possible Russian invasion inside a village forgotten by God in Indiana. How did you end up in all this? Simple, this strange Russian base has gathered a lot of energy, for some kind of absurd plan, making Joyce and your boss go crazy that as far as they could seem to you, completely mad, they still caught your attention and so, as a good assistant you followed them in this crazy adventure risking your life several times.

This evening at the bunker it was quite challenging, your cronies seem to have found a great plan to put the word "end" to this macabre chapter, the only thing you are 100% certain of is the fact that nothing will be easy at the end. inside of this plan and the chances of any of you losing your skin are very high. Therefore in that hovel a strange silence had been created, it appears for Joyce and Hopper which seemed to have taken a taste for us to quarrel like two children. Murray was reading and repeatedly reading the plan he had made with being too neurotic, while Alexei ... well he turned out to be a real puppet, he had been watching TV all afternoon, he would have seen more or less 50 Looney Toons episodes. If you had remained even just 3 seconds inside that bunker you would have gone mad, so observing Alexei I gave him a slight blow to the shoulder.

"Murray, can you ask him if he's hungry?" You asked the old grumpy man who answered you:

"You stop treating me like a fucking translator" he commented sourly and then recalled the Russian boy's attention “Вы голодны?”

“один” the boy answered immediately.

"He said yes" Murray replied quickly before returning to his work.

"Perfect then, come on" you said, taking Alexei's arm "Smirnoff and I are going to eat something" you announced as you started toward the exit, before being blocked by a furious Hopper.

"Excuse me? Are you crazy? If you go out they'll find out! "

"I'm not stupid, boss. There is a service station a few meters from here, we eat one thing and then come back here, they won't catch us, promise” The sheriff grunted annoyed and then reluctantly gave you the keys.

"Hurry up" and without saying anything else he let you out of the bunker.

* * *

A grave silence reigned in the car, perhaps you should also have brought Murray with you, at least you could have exchanged a few words with some living being. But that young Russian scientist had caught your attention, among all he seemed the most gentle and probably both you and he shared the same position, you felt lost and trapped in a trouble surely bigger than you.

"Hey..." you said drawing his attention "Do you want something to eat in particular? Chicken? Beef?" You asked in a somewhat dubious tone, probably Alexei hadn't understood anything you had told him.

"Slurpee" he said, earning you a slightly perplexed look.

"You can't just eat granite...okay let’s do this, I'll take you to a nice place and you choose what you want, okay?" you observed his expression a little dazed and for this you raised your eyes to the sky. "Good God, is it possible that you don't understand a shit what I tell you? You can't just speak Russian in America" you said, snorting. This Russian didn't just tell you, he had to understand something English!

Anyway, you arrived at the service station, which had a fast-food next to you and you and Alexei got out of the car by getting out of the car. Arriving at the counter you indicated to the scientist the sandwiches they were selling in the station and strangely he seemed to understand, and holy god, he ordered two Big Macs, a large portion of chips and nine nuggets. You limited yourself to a medium toast and a coca-cola. You decided to buy Alexei ache his beloved Slurpee cherry and parking your hidden car shortly after the station you sat on the hood and consumed your dinner.

You looked at the sky, reflected, your head was a tangle of thoughts, questions and concerns. The feeling of not being able to see tomorrow or not being able to taste a fucking Mac Donalds toast really made you feel disgusted, as if everything no longer had a meaning, an importance, as if the rules had been banned, it was all a passing of seconds that crumbled waiting to be lived as it was right. You took a deep breath and looking at Alexei in the eyes you took a few seconds to contemplate that childish face. His cheeks were round and slightly red, his lips were thin and wet from the liquid of his cherry granita, his curly golden hair was untidy, his glasses framed those lively, innocent little eyes. That continuous observance had given birth to a strange sensation in you, as if a burning fire had been created in your stomach and certainly could not be nervous gastritis.

"Listen to me Smirnoff" you said in a tone that was perhaps too tense, enough to earn you a puzzled look on the part of the scientist "Probably tomorrow we'll all die and I barely finished college, I didn't live long enough to say that my life is less shitty than now. You probably think the same thing" you admitted getting closer to him "So before some crazy communist finds us and kills us, please let me do a fantastic fuck" I said feeling a little warmth on your cheeks.

Alexei's eyes almost popped out of their sockets as your lips touched his.

You thought he would repel you with enough disgust, but when one of his hands touched one of your cheeks to bring your face closer, you all started galloping with emotion. His lips were so sweet and sugary, it seemed you were eating a sweet cherry. You walked away a few centimeters just to take a second breath and, observing the young Russian's eyes, you could notice a strange spark in them, as if an animalistic instinct had awakened in him, but in any case there remained a tender, helpless puppy for you.He came down with a small leap (even a little awkward lol) from the car and making his way between your legs tried to get close to your body again. Your faces were still very close and biting your lower lip you looked him in the eyes with a mischievous smile, while your hands wandered lightly on his shirt, then grabbing the collar so as to push the boy into a new kiss more wild and passionate this time, the tip of your tongue tapped gently on Alexei's lips, inviting him to investigate this sinful act. It didn't take long before he opened his mouth making your tongues meet in a lusty dance.

His hands timidly rested on your hips, squeezing them slightly, when he felt your fingers unbutton his shirt, while your lips left a damp trail of kisses and bites from his jaw, to his Adam's apple where you left a small mark reddish, making a shy grunt escape from Alexei's lips but he seemed very pleased with all those attentions.

When you got to the last button the scientist caught you off guard by quickly taking off the t-shirt you were wearing, leaving you wearing only your bra, he also took off his own shirt, leaving somewhere on the ground, then letting you lie on the hood car, bringing your skin into contact with cold metal.

Alexei took the opportunity to steal another sweet kiss from you, slowly bringing a hand to your breast, squeezing it over your bra cup and when you saw him blush as soon as he listened to your light moans, you couldn't hold back. So raising your torso a little you unhook your bra, leaving your breast and the prey of the young Russian's lips in plain sight, and he grabbed the fabric of your shorts, starting to unbutton them with great enthusiasm.

None of you had the patience to engage in the preliminaries, you both knew already what you wanted and there was no need for words or translations to understand it. After getting rid of your panties too Alexei took you by the hips, bringing your lower belly even closer to his and the first thing you could hear was his obvious erection, hidden in the fabric of his pants.

“Вы сделали хороший беспорядок, котенок” he whispered in your ear in a very deep tone, leaving you an absurd curiosity about what that phrase could have meant, but little did you care at that moment you just wanted to feel pleasure and be satisfied.

"Stop talking and unbutton those pants" you commented with a slight laugh, while the boy seemed to have guessed your request and performed it without blinking.

As soon as his member was free from the fabric of the boxers, Alexei invited you with a small gesture to lie down on the cold bonnet of that car and when you could feel your intimacy going into contact with that of the Russian let slip a sweet moan from your wet lips . Needless to say, when the young scientist decided to get inside you with a slow push you couldn't help arching your back for pleasure, letting that silent and forgotten place of God begin to fill up with your languid moans as the pushes were getting faster and deeper.

Your eyes were glued to each other, lost in your irises, the only moments when the contact was interrupted was when your eyelids came together for a few moments and then reopened, you knew that that relationship was the most absurd and unusual in the world but surely, nothing you were doing was remorseful.

With your slightly trembling hands you took Alexei's face in your hands and before you both reached the apex of that relationship, you joined his lips to yours in a last and passionate kiss.

* * *

"Yo boss, we are back..." you said entering the bunker with a very tired face and throwing the keys next to Hopper's hands "I'm going...I'm going to take a shower" you announced stretching before locking yourself in the bathroom.

Meanwhile Alexei sat down on the couch, pulling a long sigh and trying to calm the blush that colored his chubby cheeks, but he had to pull himself to attention when Murray sat down next to him and drank a glass of vodka.

[this conversation between murray and alexei is in Russian, but I decided to translate it lol]

"Where have you been, my friend?" He asked, giving him a winking look. "Just to know, do you know? It was an hour and a half that we were missing" the man said ironically. Alexei cleared his throat and then adjusted his glasses.

"We ate at one of your American fast foods" he tried to mislead by looking elsewhere, at the TV screen on.

"Really? And what did you make that little girl eat? Your cock?” He asked ironically to let out a fat laugh, finally giving the Russian friend a heavy pat on the back, leaving him alone and with a face as red as a tomato.

#stranger things #eleven #mike wheeler #lucas sinclair #dustin henderson #max #maxime #will byres #joyce byers #alexei #murray #imagine #stranger things imagines #stranger things 3 imagines #billy hargrove

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dr-m-r-ma · 5 years

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The Design in Her Mind

Part 9/?

Genre: drama, romance Rating: PG-13 Group: Monsta X

Summary: Sooyeon meets Monsta X by chance on the streets when they try to help her and her friends shake off creepers, but the meeting ends on a sour note. Some time later, Sooyeon meets the boys again, but at Starship’s headquarters. Although they act cold to each other, Shownu becomes more and more curious about her.

Disclaimer: This is 100% fictional and my own story. It is unrelated to the actual events and real persons of Monsta X and Starship. In regards to this particular fic, I’ve created new K-Pop groups and Sooyeon Kim is my original character. Parts will be written in Korean with English translations. I did not major/study in English/Korean, nor was I ever strong in English/Korean grammar, so there will be grammatical mistakes. This fanfic is written in third person and past-tense for ease of writing.

April 9 Is it okay to tell the truth? To someone so new? Why was it so easy to tell him?

“...”

“... 뭐 더 시키고 싶으세요?” (Translation: “... Would you like to order something else?”)

Sooyeon glanced up from her glass and shook her head slowly. The two of them had been sitting in utter silence for the last half an hour, with Sooyeon taking shots, one after another. Shownu drank his beer calmly, or what seemed to be calm, but Sooyeon could tell he was worried with the number of glances sneaked.

Shownu looked down at his drink, drawing shapes on the sides of the glass. He mumbled, “그럼… 편하실때 말 하세요.” (Translation: “Then… you can talk when you’re comfortable.”)

“...”

It weighed on Sooyeon’s mind, that she came to a small and cozy restaurant that had private rooms with Shownu. The professional side of her berated Sooyeon for following an idol to such an open area, even if they were secluded from others. Even if she impulsively accepted his offer, it was completely wrong of her to put him at risk. On the other hand, she knew she couldn’t help but take up his offer after the long couple of weeks. His simple words made her tired mind relax a little.

“그게…” (Translation: “Well…”) she started, making Shownu’s dog ears perk up. Her lips curled into a small smile seeing his reaction, and even more when his head cocked to the side. Seeing that he wanted to fulfill his job as a listener, Sooyeon relaxed a little more before sharing her side of the story about the failed contract incident.

< an hour later >

“-- 솔직히 뮤뱅때부터 힘들었는데… 제 완벽한 실력이 이렇게 문제가 될 줄이라… ‘설마’라고만 생각했어요.” (Translation: “-- honestly it was hard since that time at Music Bank… but to think my perfect skills would cause such a problem… I thought ‘no way.’”) Sooyeon laughed sarcastically. She had two shots too many, but… the conversation flowed nicely and Shownu seemed genuinely interested in her rant.

With the occasional comments he threw in to agree with her and the concerned look on his face at times, there was no awkward moment in the last hour. Until he asked, “그때 뮤뱅후로 못 만나서 물어보지도 못 했는데… 좀… 괜찮아졌어요?” (Translation: “I couldn’t ask you since I didn’t see you after Music Bank… did you… feel better afterwards?”)

Oh shit. Never told him thanks, did I? Sooyeon’s eyes widened, with her shot glass already tilted between her lips.

*Cough*

Choking on the sudden inflow, she quickly dabbed her mouth and chin with her napkin, as Shownu stared back with confusion. Holding out a hand, Sooyeon coughed, “괘ㄴ찮ㅇㅏ요” (Translation: “I-I’m f ine.”) After cleaning herself up, she could tell her face was probably a deeper shade of red due to her embarrassment, but she cleared her throat before responding. “그때… 고마웠어요. 말은 못 했지만… 그 순간에, 옛날 기억이 떠올라와서… 힘들었어요. 그래서…” (Translation: “At that time… thank you. I couldn’t tell you… but in that moment, it was difficult… because memories of my past came up. So…”)

She looked down at her arm. When Shownu’s eyes followed the trail, she propped her arm up to show him the healed tattoo.

“그날때문에… 이거 받았어요. 근데 지금 다른 이유때문에 힘들어서 또 받고싶어지네요…” (Translation: “I got this… because of that day. But now things are tough for a different reason, so I want to get another one…”) Her eyes shifted back to him, and seeing the frown on his face, Sooyeon backtracked. “아, 근데 이게 중독되서 하는게 아니에요. 진짜 죽을것같은 순간에 생각나요 -- 제 타투들. 한편으로는 받을때 살아있다는 느낌이 들어서 편하고, 또 한편엔 희망있는 타투를 받아서 내일을 볼수있게되는것 같아요.” (Translation: “Oh, but I’m not getting these because I have an addiction. When I really feel like I’m going to die, I think of these tattoos. On one hand I feel alive when I receive them, and on the other hand, I can look forward to tomorrow because of these hopeful meanings.”)

She stared down at her glass in her hand as she said this, for fear that her honest words were scaring him.

Shownu reeled from all the new information. Never did he realize what her tattoos meant to her. Never did he realize how she felt while she received them. Never did he realize the effect that night in Japan had on her. His heart twanged with pain, and even more so when she looked down at her glass as she explained it to him. He could tell she was nervous about telling him, but he only wanted to make her comfortable talking to him.

When she paused to look up hesitantly at him, his heart thumped and it surprised him. It took only half a second to recover before he smiled sweetly. “고마워요, 말 해줘서. 몰랐는데… 지금 알려줘서 고마워요.” (Translation: “Thank you for telling me. I didn’t know… but thank you for telling me now.”) 잘 견디고 있어서… 고맙고… 수고했어요. (Translation: Thank you… and you’ve done well… for enduring it so far.) He wanted to say, but he also didn’t want to overstep his boundaries too much for the first time.

They shared a moment of soft smiles and Shownu coughed to change the topic. He flashed a playful smile and asked, “그래서… 진짜 스타일리스트 일 안 하실거에요?” (Translation: “So… you’re really not going to do the stylist work?”)

“풋-- 핳하핳ㅎ” (Translation: “Pfft-- hahaha”) A light melodic laughter spilled out of Sooyeon, and Shownu watched, fascinated. She replied, “큭ㅋ 음… 하기싫은데 어쪄죠?? 모르시겠지만, 그런일 할땐 입금이…” (Translation: “lol um… what should I do -- I don’t really want to?? You might not know, but the pay for that kind of work is…”) She held out her index finger and thumb, squeezing it just before they touched. “되게 작아요. 그리고, 뭐, 또 누가 저를 쫓아다니는 일이 없었으면 좋겠어요.” (Translation: “It’s small. Also, well, I just don’t want anymore situations with people following me.”)

He chuckled at her explaining the pay, but when Sooyeon mentioned the last part, he raised an eyebrow. Shownu asked cautiously, “뭐… 정말 매력적인 사람인것 같은데… 왜 그렇게 생각하는거죠?” (Translation: “Well… I think you’re really charming… but why do you think so?”)

Another sheet of red layered over her cheeks, before she managed to pull a calmer expression. “앜.. 어.. 음… 그게 좋아해서 쫓아다닌지 아니면 미워서 쫓아다니는지… 모르죠. 그냥 이 일에는 적이 있으면 일하기가 힘들어요.” (Translation: “Ack!-- uh.. Mm… well, I didn’t say whether they follow me because they like me or because they hate me… It’s just, it’s difficult to work when you have an enemy in this field.”)

“우리 멤버들은 걱정 안하셔도 되요 -- 워낙 초반에 차갑게 대해서 다가가진 안 하고, 우리 애들은 싫은사-- 아. 불편한 사람한테는 안 가서 괴롭히는 일도 없을 거예요.” (Translation: “You don’t have to worry about my members -- since you were cold to them since the beginning, they won’t go near you, and to people they don’t like-- ah. To people they feel uncomfortable with, they won’t harass since they don’t go near.”)

With his awkward slip-up in the middle, she giggled over his words.

*Ba-thump* 아… 심장아, 제발 가만히 있어. (Translation: Ah… my heart, please stay still.)

Tilting her shot glass around, making the alcohol inside slosh a little, Sooyeon mumbled, “음.. 생각해볼게요.” (Translation: “Mm.. I’ll think about it.”)

Shownu pushed just a little bit more, knowing she was opening up to the idea: “솔직히, 우리랑 있으면 다른 남자 아이돌이 접근하기가 어려워요 -- 우리가 워낙에 쎈 이미지라서요. 그리고 이젠 후배들도 많으니깐, 괜찮을거에요.” (Translation: “Honestly, it’ll be hard for male idols to approach you if you’re with us -- since we have a pretty strong image. Plus, since there’s a lot of juniors now, it’ll be okay!”) Revealing a toothy soft smile, he hoped despite his words, she would know they don’t live up to the scary strong image they have.

Sooyeon chuckled, “앟하하ㅎ 생각은 해보겠지만… 아직…” (Translation: “Ah-- haha I’ll think about it… but still…”)

Her words trailed off into thin air. He looked down at his beer glass, not wanting to make his dejection obvious. Maybe she sensed it already, because her next words were choppy and quiet. “진짜 생각할게요. 신중하게 생각해서… 결정하면 ㅅ셔누...씨한테 말 해드릴게요.” (Translation: “I’ll really think about it. After I seriously think about it… and I decide what to do, I’ll tell y-you [S-Shownu-ssi].”)

“그럼… 더 편하게, 친구↗할까요?” (Translation: “Then… to become more comfortable, should we become friends↗?”) Shownu could tell his voice came out shaking and nervous, especially with his voice cracking. He could tell from the corner of his eyes, her lips were trembling -- she was probably trying not to chuckle. He took a swig of his beer before continuing. “너무 빨린 무리일것 같고… 이름. 이름 부르기로 시작해요. 그리고 너무 존댓말도 금지로 하ㅈ-- 해요.” (Translation: “It might be too overwhelming if we try too fast, so… name. Let’s start by calling each other’s names. And let’s ban too much polite talking ple-- yes.”)

“프ㅡㅅ하핳ㅎ하하ㅏ하핳!!” (Translation: “Pfft hahahaha!!”)

His eyebrows knit while his eyes widened by the sudden sound of laughter. He was surprised to see Sooyeon laugh even more openly than she did previously. The way her eyes squeezed shut just like an emoji and the way her hands moved quickly to cover her mouth, Shownu was entranced by the sight. Even though his ears felt like they were on fire, he couldn’t help but stare at her with a wide smile.

As she wiped a tear that managed to escape, Sooyeon spoke through her giggles, “그래요 그럼. 현우씨… 맞죠?” (Translation: “Okay then. Hyunwoo… right?”)

A chill ran down his spine as soon as his name uttered from her lips. His heart thumped harder than ever, and Shownu even wondered if the alcohol in his system was going to cause a heart attack. Maybe he would OD right then and there. Maybe, but before he could let it happen, he whispered, “네. 수연씨.” (Translation: “Yes. Sooyeon.”)

*** TBC ***

AN / I churned this out really fast and I’m proofreading it half-asleep so hopefully you guys understand... (lol) I can’t even keep my eyes open rip // edit: (lol) i fixed a couple of formatting!! also not important but 9 parts in and it has reached 40 pages on google docs (lmao)

#monsta x shownu #shownu angst #shownu fanfic #shownu fluff #monsta x angst #monsta x scenarios #mx angst #mx scenarios #monsta x fluff #mx fluff #mx shownu #design fic #i can't think of anymore tags my eyes are drooping too fast #kpop fanfic #kpop fic #monsta x fanfic #monsta x fic

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eris0330 · 6 years

Text

Hiraeth - Thirteen

☽Pairing☾ ; BTS | Reader

☽Genre☾ ; Angst

☽Word Count☾ ; 2.1k

☽Summary☾ Returning back to Korea after years of being under the ground, to see your parents. You wished it was all it took, to feel complete again. The aftermath of confusion, betrayal and sorrow was the reason to never come back into the boys presents. But it wasn’t until, seeing one them enter the same cafe, at the right time.

☽M. List☾ ; 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12 // 13 // 14 // 15 // 16 // 17 // 18 // 19 // 20 // 21 // 22 [ongoing]

As most of you know, I got RSI in my wrist and I wrote this chapter with mainly my left hand (non-dominant), so please bear with me if there are any typos or grammatical errors. (well, I always have grammatical errors so that shouldn’t be a surprise lol)

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Walking behind broad shoulders and his light blonde hair resembling every lamp above. You could only think about what was going to happen, when you couldn’t read his thoughts. It’s not that it was awkward, because you have known him for years but it was the idea, of going alone to a hotel together. You know what people meant, going to a love hotel and luckily, this one was rather luxurious like any other hotel, it must cost a fortune just for one night. His proposal of wanting a platinum room, probably made the premium cost become a lot higher. Wondering, if he even thought about the crowd of strangers outside that could have seen the scene progress to here. Even though you’re just friends, sometimes enemies, your heart felt like it was going to explode.

“569, Sir.” Standing to catch the glimpse of a golden door, the receptionist bowed once of respect before opening the door to watch the light flicker on. The man walking away with a light smile, to treat his other guests. Your silhouette lingering by the entrance as it didn’t take a second before Yoongi had settled for the edge of a king size bed to rest. His sighs were loud, but his voice was deep and rusty that I shook your bones.

“Are you going to come in, or what?” Shuffling inside as the door closed silently behind, it was like stepping into a new world. Your felt out of place and shocked of the fact, that this was how you were going to meet for the first time after so many years. Your coat put on the arm chair next to his leather jacket and your shoes properly displayed next to his by the door, you stepped over to sit beside him. The weight of the mattress wavering, making your hips budge against each other. Yoongi’s face was buried in the palm of his hands, unable to read his expression or thoughts. His cologne filling the room, sending old memories through your mind as time went by. Your legs squirming of the awkward silence, unknown to what the next thing was going to be.

“So… looks like Army could win a Hidden-things-game competition?” He spoke with a light smile, finally letting his face reveal from his cold hands. Your eyes meeting in a warm light, letting your sight fall upon his chocolate brown orbs. God how you missed it when he pouted while talking.

“Heh… yeah… I guess so…” Your words became unsettling, still nervous of the whole ordeal. Your true self was convinced they didn’t know you were back, but it was all a lie. Biting on your bottom lip, unsure what to ask about of all the things. How he was doing? What happened after the incident? Will you be able to meet the others? Did he still love yo-

“You look like Jungkook with that scar…” He blurted out, letting his finger trace along your cheekbone. Your own skin to skin contact, got you to automatically back away. He didn’t seem to be affected by it, but letting you settle back in position for him to continue stroking your cheek. It felt warm and nice, like home. There were no words exchanged, than the eye contact you kept.

“Well… The kids will be happy to see you” He spoke, retrieving his hand to his lap. An awkward smile formed on your face, while trying to laugh off the matter.

“Kids? Does that mean you call me a kid too? You’re not much older than me” You commented, finally feeling your body relax. But, something in every nerve were twitching. There was something missing and you couldn’t tell what it was.

“Well, no. Not always, but they are like kids. Like you, taking childish actions” He muttered, while blinking so painfully slow that you were unsure how to react. He didn’t show any emotions and for the first time, you felt like hitting him.

“Childish actions?” You questioned with narrowed brows, feeling the anger boil in your body.

“What do you want me to call it? Selfish?” He continued blurting out but kept his straight face. His hand forming to a knuckle, in the dim light on his jeans. He was angry and you could tell, this wasn’t a matter you would like to talk about either. But your own anger that build of the true fact, didn’t help to keep yourself calm.

“selfish???” Your voice was higher and threatening, making his lips form into a thin line. Arrowing his eyes on your body with a powerful clenching jaw, he took a deep breath before sticking his hands into his pockets.

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Get some sleep, I’ll be going now.” He spoke, raising himself from the now, cold bed. His back turned your way and not being able to see your shocked expression of anger. You were now furious, of his sudden statement and then leaving you? Did he not have anything else to say? Nothing at all? There was a tiny bit regret in letting yourself follow him to here, but also that he didn’t miss you as much as you missed him. Your body responding quicker than your vocals could present words of how ungrateful he was, you caught the back of his collar to pull harder than ever. His body crashing upon the giant bed, as you straddled him with your weight and tying his hands down by force. You were slightly amazed of your strength, being able to pull him this far. A shocked expression formed on his face, noticing the tears that pooled in your eyes.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?! Calling me selfish to make a choice, that would leave me out of pain?! Don’t you think I know already?!! I regret it, alright?! Telling me it’s selfish, is the first thing you can say to me?! I come back and it’s like you don’t even fucking care! Like I was never away!” Your words were practically falling out, as you yelled into his face. His eyes growing wider by every sentence you played out and at every crying word, it felt like a stab into his chest. His brows scrunched in anger, before feeling the strength of his own body, overpowering you. Your arms locked above your head and suddenly, you became the damsel in distress.

“Don’t care?! I’m a fucking nervous wreck right now, because of you!-” He practically yelled with gritted teeth, but strangely held upon his deep vocals as a threat. It was nothing more, than a cry for him to continue speaking. It was now easy to sense his vibrating palms on your cold skin and his muscles tensing, by every little movement.

“-I know what it feels like, to not want to be in pain anymore… But that evening, that horrible evening, you decided to lock us all out. With just that, you were gone. Every day, I thought about you! Every day, I fucking thought I had a chance of seeing you! Every day, I blamed myself!... Every day… I missed you…-” You were in shock, seeing his emotions expressed in every fibre of his body. Anger, regret, betrayal and sorrow, a cocktail of grief. It was all in the tears of his eyes, mirroring your own before it fell upon your cheek to become one with the rest of your tears. Everything in your head didn’t make sense, but it also made a light flash upon a path you could remember. “-Every god damn time… I think about you… I always regret not being there sooner… Why didn’t you let us help…? Why didn’t you let us be a part of your pain, to find happiness together…? Why did you suddenly decide… that your demons were better than us…?” Crying, louder and louder. With tears continuing to fall and forced to watch Yoongi fall apart. Blood shot eyes, looking down on you with misery that you expected to come. But you never knew, it would be so hard to watch it unfold.

“Yoongi…” You tried to call out with the shakiest voice, for him to come back. To see that you were here, right beneath him. Letting him know, you wouldn’t walk away like that, ever again.

“Why…? Did you really think I wouldn’t miss my favourite person in the world…? Was my tears every night ever since then, a waste…?” People think that he’s bad at showing his gratitude or emotions like sorrow to others, but that’s wrong. Yoongi was always open to be soothing himself on your shoulder, after break ups, home sickness and horrible thoughts about everything that was wrong about him. He was always there to be by your side and even though you have had your tough sides, as friendly enemies. It was always weird, to see the tears fall harder each time. Right now, you could barely look at him. But you had to, he was broken and you needed to realise that it has always been like that. Watching the expression of grief display right before you, it never became easier to confront it. Hyperventilating, is the only definition you could explain of his breathing. He was shaking, like a cold puppy in the rain. His face puffed from the crying and eyes flashing, unknown what was going on with him. His body becoming weaker, to release his powers in one shout of cry. Your hand getting free without a struggle, you reached out for him. His warm cheek, embraced by your cold palm of comfort to see his eyes shut slowly of your touch. His breathing becoming deeper and calm, letting your hand drag his body closer to your own. It was peaceful, quiet and your arms surrounding each other to keep amenity. The emotions you were unable to express, shown in the way his head were placed in the crook of your neck. Unspeakable word, that were inexistent to any language other than your body. The way his fingers dug into your shirt, afraid you will leave him like before. Letting his demons get the best of him, to have them on his back every day and unsure when it will ever stop. For once, in a long time, it felt peaceful. No more demons, just you.

“I’m sorry…” You whispered softly, letting the heated atmosphere disappear. Without a response, you were unsure if he heard you or not. But the way his finger clenched tighter, told you he heard everything he needed to hear. Your heart was beating fast and it continued to skip beats, but knowing he was right there, made everything easier. Fingers running through his soft blonde hair, receiving slow breaths of warmth hit your skin. It didn’t surprise you, that this was the way you would meet Yoongi again. You were always the worst for each other, but also the most loyal. You were each other’s horrible truth, when no one else was there to punch reality into your souls.

“…I missed you, Yoongi… There was never a day that passed, without you and the others on my mind…” You continued to speak, not receiving a response than his body snuggling closer. Legs intertwined and your hearts beating slower, feeling every vibration and time flying by like a bird.

“...I’ll never leave you guys again… I promise…” You finished, not expecting an answer as he never gave one so far. Your body feeling heavy and throbbing of ache, as if you have never slept for days. Getting ready to close your eyes, indulging into the weak part of your presence you felt a stroke against your hand. Recognisable fingers sliding through your own, to hold them tightly to get warm.

“Good.” Simple, easy and fast. A quick deep response, that led you shed your last tears. Even though it wasn’t a huge sentence, you know that one word, could have many meanings behind it. For now, it put a huge boulder off your shoulders. Knowing he was sound asleep in the crook of your neck, that he claimed to be his safe spot back in the days. Fingers intertwined without the slightest fear of letting go again and contentment, that you once longed for. Being so close to him, was nostalgic as his heart beat against you. That was one, now only six more to go. It’s been a long time since you have fallen asleep so quickly and for him too, like a sweet dream. Even the incoming mountain of messages on his phone, couldn’t wake any of you...

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koizumicchi · 6 years

Text

Okay, heads up. Basically, i have dreams in which i visit my AU selves (not sure if this is all in my head but i firmly believe that i really travel in alternate universes via dreams because my dreams are so vivid). This was one of those. I tried my best to remember every detail but haha I can only remember this much. Unedited so please disregard the grammatical errors and inconsistent verb tenses. This is worth 3 1/2 pages on MS Word so don’t be surprised at how long this is, lol.

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There was this school at someplace, somewhere. The school is located at the entrance of a forest. The forest is forbidden and is believed to be cursed and that evil lurks there. I study in this school, which is known for honing students with magical abilities. I am immune to evil and mind manipulations, and being my adventurous self, I always venture to the forest secretly. It was a dark forest most of the time, as if the sunlight doesn’t reach the forest floor at all. Sometimes, the light filters through and it becomes a lovely place, but not even a minute later, the darkness swallows the sunlight. When my professors said evil is in the forest, I don’t believe them. In this dream, the person I am is depressed and only found comfort when she takes a walk in that forest. But it is deemed dangerous nga. During one of our exercises, there was this cute animal which was too skittish. It came out of the forest. It was captured and put in a cage but it got out. When it was captured again, the school staff put it into an enclosed space but it got out again through the window. I was near them that time and the animal’s sharp claws caught my skin. It was unnaturally elongated, as if it was some product of experimentation gone wrong. Thankfully, the cut wasn’t deep.

One day, when everything seems painful, I went to the forest again. But this time, with an intention of not going back to the school. With a heavy heart, I looked back and muttered, “I’ll be gone. Thank you for everything.” It wasn’t particularly in English. We spoke in a different language not known to common humans.

The instant I stepped on the grass, it was as if everything was swallowed by black. I looked back again at the school and it was glowing at a brightness set at a the lowest setting. I immediately knew something went wrong. In panic, I ran back to the school and stood on the front garden. The headmistress was at the front door, shock and worry reflected on her face. Her assistant was at the edge of the garden, frozen in place.

“Madam!” I called out.

At the same time, I felt someone appear behind me. I whirled around and saw a woman. She’s beautiful and her expression is a very kind one; but the aura she emits was foul and evil. I backed away. I heard the headmistress running to me, shouting something urgent that I couldn’t hear, and then she was pushing me through the door. She slammed it closed. My ears were ringing. I couldn’t understand anything. When I calmed down enough, I slowly opened the front door, only a little. The woman was gone, so were the headmistress and her assistant.

In panic, I shut the door closed and ran through the hallways, passing by a room filled with chatters. I backtracked and entered it. My classmates were inside. I treat them as if they were my own blood siblings. Being an orphan, I value them greatly. Upon seeing me, they almost swarmed me, hugging me close and dragging me to the center of their circle. They filled me in on what happened. The instant the dark took over, the headmistress was on alert, searching for me and when she noticed I was gone, so was the defences of the school. She wanted to search for me so my classmates were under strict orders to not open any door or window leading outside until she’s back. She needed to find me or else I might lose my sanity inside that forest. I told them my version of the story, and of course, they were scared like me.

There was this one guy in the corner, not speaking or moving ever since I entered the room. He dragged me to this side to speak to me privately. The others went to mind their own business. I knew instantly that I was close to him, ever since the first day I was here in this school. I value him greatly too, probably more than I do with my classmates.

“Did she come?” He asked me. I thought of the evil lady with kindness only on her face.

“Yes, how did you know?”

“She’s my mother.”

I was left speechless.

“I need to talk to her. Is she still there?”

“No!” I grabbed his arm and only noticed then I’m shaking. “She won’t show you mercy. Don’t go. Don’t leave me.”

But he only smiled gently at me, held my hand with a comfort he can only provide, and escaped out of my hold. “I’ll be back.” He said, still holding my hand.

My cheeks felt wet when he left the room.

When he came back, he was different. The gentle expression that permanently sat on his face was nowhere to be found. He has this faraway look. He recognizes you but at the same time he doesn’t. “See, I’m back.” He said with a smile.

I only stared at him silently. Not long after, people infiltrated our school. They are our age. And this particular guy kept on eyeing me like I stole his beloved cat. Later on, we learned he’s the leader of this group and they all came from the forest. It looked like they came in peace so me and my classmates let them be.

However, the peace shattered when one of them had a one-on-one talk with my friends. When my friends came back to us, they were on a state similar to the guy I was close with. Mind manipulation. They all wanted us under their command.

And so we shut ourselves. My classmates modified one room with their abilities, enlarged it to accommodate all of us, added a few rooms, a kitchen, a bathroom, et cetera. It was like our very own house now. I was content and the panic I felt simmered out. Throughout this, I remained by the side of this guy (sorry I can’t remember their names). He talks to me a lot, just like the days the school was far from this chaos. But now, he talks mainly to convince me to go out of this space and meet that leader guy earlier. He all said this with a smile on his face. I felt lonely and hurt.

“He loves you.” He said to me.

I didn’t believe him.

“He does.” He said again. “I talked to him earlier. So you two should talk as well.” He kept on saying this like a broken record.

“How…about us?” I said to him instead.

A flicker of emotion passed through his eyes. “Talk to him.” He repeated like a robot. I stood up and left him. He was leaning on the side of the bed. Maybe it was just me but all of a sudden he looked so sad.

It didn’t even last a week when another of my classmate went missing one day and came back like a robot. They were slowly luring us out and my affected classmates all repeated the same thing: “Talk to them.” As if it was our remaining salvation.

When more was taken from us, I snapped. We talked as one group and I said to my classmates that I’ll talk to the leader of that group. To stop all of this and maybe get an antidote, if there’s one. I was met with negatives but eventually they consented to my plan.

I went through a back door and entered a different classroom. The guy before was already there, standing by the window. When he turned to me, his expression didn’t change. So much for loving me, right.

“Am I to expect a confession?” I humoured him, in monotone.

“Of course not,” he said.

“Our mistress wants you on our side. We came to get you.”

“Is this what you want?”

“Doesn’t matter what I want. And what’s it to you anyway.” He snarled.

I shook my head. “Brainwashing doesn’t affect me.” There was pull inside my head. “Neither does hypnosis. Don’t you think you are better than this? Won’t you be happier if you stop obeying orders?” I glanced at the only table in the room. A bouquet of flowers rested there. I gestured at it. “That’s sweet of you but we both know where our true hearts lie.”

A broken expression crossed over his face and he immediately turned away from me. “Get out.” He muttered, so soft I almost didn’t catch it.

When I was back in our space, my classmates either looked nervous or overridden with grief. When I pulled the door closed, it was as if each of their breath stopped. “I don’t have the antidote, sorry.” I said to them. They almost sighed in relief. Each one of my classmates held me close, and soon, my shirt was smeared with their tears.

When it all died down, I saw the guy I’m close with at the far corner of the room: knees up to his chest and gazing blankly at the wall. When I approached, there was no change in his expression. When I sat beside him, like I always do, he tilted his head and let it rest on my shoulder. He said, “I’m glad.” And my heart skipped a bit.

Then I woke up, feelings heavy on my heart.

#personal #my dreams #lmao i felt really heartbroken when i woke up #ughhhhhhhhhhh #i still feel the depressing aftertaste of this dream #and btw i dont even remember their faces lol #EDIT: what if all my s/o that appeared in my dreams #are also the AU selves of my s/o irl #well if i do have a destined s/o irl #darn im hopeless romantic af hahahahahaha

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