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hanniluvi · 9 months

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ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 — TEN THINGS I HATE ; JAY FIC

“ I’ll do better, if you stay with me like this. ”

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ where jay keeps a journal where he documents all the reasons he hates you, his rival. despite claiming he will forever hate you, keeping this journal only makes him realize his feelings for you.

PAIRING rival!jay x gn!reader

GENRE angst, fluff — WARNINGS jealousy ; overthinking !

WORD COUNT 1.7K+ (1730)

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ soph strikes again!! angst cb, did we cheer?? anyways i was in the feels okay 😢 listening to music while writing really unlocks something in ur brain im telling you…idk what really went thru my mind when making this but enjoy 😊🫶

#1 – HOW YOU’RE GOOD AT EVERYTHING.

Is it normal to have a journal dedicated to someone you hate? Whatever, I just need to get this off my chest. Whenever you’re involved, it’s like I could have nothing I want. It’s stupid, but I don’t care, it just pisses me off when you easily follow instructions, perfect things on your first try, and get all the awards I wish to have. I admit, jealousy consumes me. It's frustrating how effortlessly you seem to achieve anything you want without even trying. Seeing your achievements plastered all over the school only intensifies my anger, making me wish I could tear your posters into shreds. I've never despised second place more than now. Why can't I find contentment with my own scores or position, just like you? How can I remove you from my life and find peace within myself?

#2 – HOW CHEERFUL YOU ARE.

How is it possible for someone to remain so happy throughout the entire day? I can't help but wonder if you possess some magical influence over my friends, as they seem to shower you with compliments non-stop. It's weird to hear nothing but praise for you while I find myself complaining about various things. It's almost as if nobody comprehends why I harbor such animosity towards you, and this frustrates me immensely. Every time I express my emotions, they tell me to laugh and smile more, as if I don't already do it enough. But then, when I contemplate your cheerful and positive demeanor, it becomes clear why they encourage it. You're like the epitome of a model student everyone aspires to be, while I remain the perpetually angry and stubborn person. No wonder everyone wants to spend time with you, and perhaps that's one thing I can agree with others on.

#3 – YOU LIKE THINGS THAT I LIKE.

It's almost like a curse that we share the same interests. It's the reason I keep encountering you everywhere. Whatever I do, you seem to be there, expressing your fondness for the same things with your friends. It's frustrating, and I can't help but roll my eyes at the thought of encountering you even more. Even listening to music has become a challenge, as I know you like the same artists. I purposely skip their songs because they only remind me of you, and I hate being consumed by thoughts of you. I yearn to stop learning more about you so that I can enjoy the things I like in peace, without these constant reminders of you.

#4 – YOU MAKE ME OVERTHINK.

Maybe because of how perfect you seem to be in other’s eyes, I wonder how I look in other people’s eyes too. Am I that awful to hang out with? Am I always seen as this angry person who hates everyone? I’m not that, I know that–my friends do as well. But others? I’m not so sure about that. What confuses me even more is why you persist in wanting to spend time with me despite any perceived flaws or stubbornness on my part. You could easily choose to be with other people who might seem better to converse with. Yet, you continue to stick around, refusing to give up on our “friendship”. And because of this, I can see how others might form a negative opinion about me. My constant push to keep you away could be misunderstood, leading people to believe I'm simply a horrible person.

#5 – YOU LIKE ME.

I'm not sure if you have romantic feelings for me, but I can tell that you consider me a friend. It's interesting because I hadn't thought of you in that way before, but it doesn't seem to bother you. Today, you stood up for me, and it felt really heartening. Normally, I might have felt angry or vulnerable when someone defends me, but this time it was different. I don’t know, it just did feel really nice. Your quick response in telling those people to stop was captivating, even though I didn't express my gratitude at the moment. Lately, I've been struggling with the loud voices in my head, and sometimes I wonder if you could help quiet them too. But now, I'm not sure what I'm trying to convey. You confuse me a lot.

#6 – YOU GIVE THE WRONG PEOPLE SECOND CHANCES.

The other day, I saw you in tears because someone had broken your heart. I must admit, I was taken aback because I had never seen you sad or upset before. It was quite a contrast to the cheerful version of yourself that I'm familiar with. What happened to you that everyone sees all the time? I hope you had someone to tell you your problems too, as it’s not easy for someone who is your rival to be comforting you. I didn’t, so I hope you went home that night filled with less worries because you have someone to talk with.

What surprised me even more was that the very next day, you gave the person who hurt you a second chance. I can't help but wonder why you keep allowing people to hurt you when it's likely they'll repeat the same behavior, ultimately affecting your radiant smile. Stop going back to the people that hurt you once, it’s only going to be a cycle. I wish I could share these thoughts with you, but I hesitate because I doubt you'd take them to heart coming from someone like me. However, I can't help caring despite my own imperfections. It's puzzling to me as well, as you make me feel oddly connected to your feelings.

#7 – SEEING YOUR TEARS.

I never imagined how much I could despise seeing someone cry until the moment I witnessed your tears. Ever since that day, I always thought about it, so how could I let it slip out of my mind this time? I’m sorry for yelling at you today. I’m sorry for saying I hate you. I didn’t mean it, I was just extremely frustrated today, and not at you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know how saying this won’t do anything, but I truly mean it. I wish I could rewind time once I saw water fill up in your eyes, but what’s done is done. You made me realize something crucial—that I've always seen you as a rival, whereas you only wanted to be friends with me. I allowed my competitive nature to ruin our chances of a meaningful connection. I fear now that you might avoid me, and I understand if you do. I worry that I might continue to hurt you, just like the people you often encounter, who don't treat you with the kindness you deserve. You deserve better than that, and I'm sorry for contributing to your pain.

#8 – GIVING ME ANOTHER CHANCE.

I never imagined we'd get another chance after what happened. I tried avoiding you, genuinely attempting to keep my distance. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't resist reaching out to talk to you again. It's almost as if we both sensed the need to address the situation, leading us to have that important conversation. I still don’t know why you gave me another chance. Did I not say hurtful things to you? How easily are you able to put that behind? Your ability to forgive and move past it leaves me in awe.

It's making me reflect on my own flaws, especially how I tend to hold grudges and struggle to let go of negative feelings. I can't quite comprehend how you do it, but you make me think about you more than ever before. Every word I speak now feels like it needs to be carefully considered, thanks to your presence in my thoughts. Your gesture of offering another chance touched me deeply and brought a smile to my face. I can't help but wonder what you've done to influence me in this way. I think you really did something to me.

#9 – FEELINGS, FEELINGS, FEELINGS.

We've connected much faster than I anticipated, even surprising my friends. I'm left wondering what you've done to me. You've become an all-encompassing thought – your smile, your laughter, your sense of humor – everything about you fills my mind. At times, I ponder whether I ever cross your thoughts too. Could this be love? My friends have mentioned it, and I can't find a way to refute them. I'm fond of you, immensely so. Isn't that a crazy twist?

It's a strange journey we're on. I started this journal to document the reasons I disliked you, but look at where it's led us. Is it too soon to be feeling this way? The idea of revealing my feelings is terrifying, yet I'm unsure if I'll ever have another opportunity. Please bear with me, allow me to find the right moment. Perhaps soon, hopefully, you'll be in my arms. I realize how absurd all this sounds – what am I even saying?

#10 – HOW EASY YOU WON ME OVER.

You won. You won my heart effortlessly, but I didn't win yours in return. I'm burdened with regret for how I've treated you. My ignorance and neglect weigh heavily on me now. It's painfully clear that he's all you've ever been able to think about. Why did I delude myself into thinking I could make a difference? If only I had treated you with the kindness you deserved from the start. Could that have made you love me instead? These thoughts haunt me.

I've grown aware of my own attachment, and I'm sorry for allowing it to consume me. I apologize for the disruption I've caused in your recent weeks. I can't bring myself to be genuinely happy for you and him, though he does seem like a better man than I could ever be. It's evident that I need to move on for your sake, to make things easier for you. Yet, there's a part of me that wishes I could still claim you as mine. That longing will always remain unchanged.

I doubt you'll ever stumble upon this journal entry, not that I would ever permit anyone to. But regardless, I want you to know that I do love you. It's a truth that's etched deeply within me, even though it pains me to admit it.

💭 — fun fact this was supposed to have a happy ending until i pulled out spotify n listened to lyn lapid…yeah.

ENHA PERM TAGLIST (🎥) — @flwoie @ixomiyu @yenavrse @shinsou-rii @bearseulgs @ilovewonyo @yenqa @dimplewonie @bubblytaetae @wtfhyuck @ineedaherosavemeenow @starcubes @starikizs @wonioml @chirokookie @xiaoderrrr @neozon3nha @en-chantedtomeetyou @millksea @enhaz1 @eundiarys @woon2u @ja4hyvn @judeduartewannabe @j-wyoung @thia-aep @vampcharxter @softpia @officiallyjaehyuns @itsactuallylina @hsheart @sweetjaemss @ahnneyong @hanienie @jwnghyuns @kpoplover718 @jiawji @rikizm @haknom @yeokii @wvnkoi @whoschr @teddywonss @shinunoga-iie-wa @flwrshee @skzenhalove @misokei @s00buwu @ox1-lovesick @miercerise @litttlestars @enhapocketz

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daddyslilchickenfingers2 · 5 months

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Slutmas Day 6

Stressed & Insecure (Matt)

Request: None

Warnings: Mommy kink, talk of poor mental heath, angsty at first, Matt being insecure, talk of body dysmorphia, friends to lovers, cockwarming, oral, whiny Matt

“You’re such a good boy for letting mommy take care of you like this”

Matt’s pov

Everything sucks right now, I’m so busy with work, it’s taking up all of my time, and everything going on right now backs up to that. I was purely stressed from work originally, which I know might seem easy, but don’t be fooled because it’s not. We’ve had so many meetings for sponsored content, videos, guest appearances, and merch designing, on top of filming for our YouTube and the Podcast. I’m genuinely just drained, my anxiety is high, I can’t sleep, and I’m overall in a bad mood.

I know what you’re thinking, ‘why not just jack off?’ well that’s because I can’t. I guess with being stressed and overwhelmed by everything, my cock just won’t get hard. It probably doesn’t help that my body is constantly getting hated on because of my weight, it makes me really insecure and uncomfortable with myself and my body. I was sitting at my desk doing some more online work and it was pissing me off, I’m so frustrated! I’m just doing so much overthinking and it’s making me stressed, overwhelmed, and insecure.

Just as I threw my notebook across the room there was a small knock and Chris popped his head in. “Matt, are you alright? Do you need anything?” Chris asked, knowing I wasn’t in the best mental state. “I’m fine, I just want to be alone” I sighed back, “Are you still coming to Larray’s house with us tonight?” I completely forgot about that. Chris looked a bit disappointed by my answer but he understood, “Nah I’m just gonna stay here, ‘m stressed and overwhelmed right now so I won’t be any fun” I said before Chris closed the door.

That was my insecurities talking, I always found myself rather boring and unenthusiastic when I’m in these moods. It had been about an hour of trying to get hard and then sitting in my chair with my head in my hands. My door slowly creeped open and I immediately assumed it was Chris or Nick. “Get the fuck out of my room!” I yelled, turning around to be met with my best friends confused face. “I’m sorry, Chris said they were leaving and I should come keep you company because you’re having a bad day. I didn’t mean to make you upset” Y/n said quite nervously. I slammed my fist down on my desk before completely losing it, hot tears rolling down my face.

1 hour earlier

Y/n’s pov

I was at a nail appointment when I got a text message, I was already done with my fingers and in the chair for my toes.

iMessage start at 5:02pm

Chrisizzle🍊

bro are you busy

Y/n/n🪼

i’m getting my toes done rn

why

Chrisizzle🍊

at 5:30 me and nick are going to larray’s for the night

so i wanted to ask you a favor

yk how matt’s been kinda moody lately?

well today he’s really stressed and sad so he’s in a bad mood and i don’t want him to be alone tonight so can you head over afterwards and chill with him?

Y/n/n🪼

you literally just set up a playdate for your child lmao

but yeah i’ll go over there, i’ve missed my matty poo

Chrisizzle🍊

wow but you don’t miss me

that one hurt Y/n/n 🥲

anyways lmk when you get to our house bc we leave in 15

Y/n/n🪼

awe of course i miss you too sizzle 🤍

i’m abt to pay then I’ll head over

Chrisizzle🍊

don’t call me sizzle

*Y/n/n🪼 disliked this message*

iMessage ends at 5:37pm

The message had been from one of my best friends, Chris, he asked if I would go hang with his triplet bother, Matt, for tonight. I know he’s been getting a lot of hate about his attitude/weight and has been down the past 2 or 3 weeks, so I was hoping to cheer him up. I drove directly to the boys house after paying for my nails since I had a bunch of essentials over there and didn’t need anything from home.

I let myself in with my key and walked up to Matt’s room, which groans of frustration could be heard coming from. I lightly knocked before entering his room, as I was reclosing the door Matt yelled. “Get the fuck out of my room!” he said angrily, Matt’s never yelled at me before and he looked so pissed off that I got a little nervous.

I quickly replied with “I’m sorry, Chris said they were leaving and I should come keep you company because you’re having a bad day. I didn’t mean to make you upset” he looked at me for a second before I saw his face change to one of pain, hurt, and anxiety. Matt slammed his fist onto his desk yelling “Fuck!” before choking out into sobs.

His whole body was shaking and he slid out of his chair onto the floor, something he does when he’s really, really upset. I immediately ran over to sit next to him, wrapping my arms around his shaking figure. “I’m sorry! They hate me and I’m sorry!” he blurted out, causing me to be a bit confused as Matt’s hands desperately clung onto my shirt.

“It’s okay Matt, let it all out. You’re safe honey, I’ve got you-“ I was cut off by Matt pulling away from my shirt and basically screamed out in pain. “I don’t know what the fuck I did! Y/n, what’s wrong with me!? A-Am I not good enough!? I’m too skinny, I try to eat more but I can’t gain weight, I fucking hate my body! All I keep doing is disappointing everyone, Y/n I-I don-“ he started spiraling into a panic attack and I was worried, I have never seen Matt this bad before.

I didn’t know what else to do so I pushed past my own anxieties and kissed him. I cupped both of his cheeks and smashed our lips together, Matt was shocked at first so he didn’t kiss back but once he realized what was happening, he kissed back. I pulled away and Matt’s lips tried to chase mine before he opened his eye.

“W-What was that for?” he asked, a bit breathless from his previous breakdown. I suddenly felt shy so I looked down, “I uh- I didn’t know how else to get you to stop talking” I said, nervously playing with my fingers. “Oh, well thanks?” he said in a questioning tone, “Did you mean what you said about your body? Do you really think that?” I softly asked.

Matt groaned and stood up, offering me his hand, “I don’t want to talk about it but yes, I do hate my body” he mumbled as I too stood up. We made our way over to his bed and laid there in silence for a few minutes. I rolled over to my side facing Matt “Have you tried cumming?” I questioned quietly, “What!?” he rolled to face me as well, confused by what I just said.

“You know, because you’re stressed. I think I read somewhere that having an orgasm helps to relieve stress” Matt’s face was now painted red. He rolled over to be flat on his back again, “I’ve tried but I can’t get hard” he exhaled deeply. “Oh… I could try to help if you want” I offered, chewing on my nails, Matt turned to face me again, “Help.. me get… Help me get hard?” he questioned nervously.

We both had blush covering our faces at this point, “Yeah, then I can go chill in Nicks room and you can jerk off” I smiled shyly. “I mean that could work but I don’t want to be naked if you have clothes on” “You don’t have to be naked, you just have to trust me” “I-I trust you, how do we start though?” we conversed. I took a moment to think before asking, “Do you want to make out first, I know I’m like a lot bigger than you so I don’t know if it would be a problem for me to sit on your lap. Is it a problem?” I asked self-consciously as we both sat up.

Matt looked at me with an unamused look, “If that’s your way of making me feel worse about my body, it worked because your body is amazing” he huffed out, avoiding looking at me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel that way” I said with a sad smile, upset that I hurt Matts feelings. “I know you didn’t but my body is like the main reason I cant get hard. I don’t like looking at myself naked, it shows off too much of what’s wrong with me” he replied.

It was silent again for a few minute until I broke the silence again, “I think it’s hot” “What?” Matt looked at me confused. “Your body, I think it’s hot” I smirked, “You think so?” “I know so, don’t you ever notice me staring at you when you’re shirtless or only wearing your boxers?” I teased some more. “I haven’t noticed actually, however, I have noticed you’re not on my lap yet” Matt pouted, pulling me onto his lap.

I was about to say something but was cut off by Matt grabbing the side of my face/neck and pulled me into a sweet kiss that quickly turned needy. I pulled back for a second to catch my breath, “Shit, I’m sorry! I’m just so touch starved and crave physical affection. You were gonna say something?” he panicked. “It’s okay, I know that physical touch is your love language, it’s one of the things I like about you. I forgot what I was going to say but I can tell you I’ll kiss you again” I giggled.

With that, Matt pulled my face to his again and this time the kiss was soft, yet also rough and needy. I had my hands wrapped around Matt’s neck, but his laid awkwardly at his sides, almost as if he’s scared to touch me. I pulled back from the kiss to grab his wrist and mumbled something against his lips. “You can touch me you know” I smirked as I placed Matt’s hands on my waist and went back to kissing him.

Matt’s hands quickly slid down and tightly gripped onto my hips, slowly starting to rock me back and forth. I started feeling his cock get hard and once I could tell he was fully hard, I stopped everything which caused Matt to let out a displeased whine. “Mmh why’d you stop?” he pouted, “Because you’re hard now, which means it’s my queue to leave” I said while trying to get up.

Matt held my hips down and begged, “Please don’t go! I-I don’t think I’ll be able to make myself cum, me being alone with my naked body sounds like a bad dream” he sighed. Piggybacking off what was just said he added, “W-Would you please m-make me feel good? I’ll let you have your way with me as long as it’s not super rough because I’m not in the mood for that” his eyes got a shade or two darker.

“Yeah, I can give you head if you want or you can sit back, relax and enjoy the full sub treatment” “Does the full sub treatment include sex? Because I’ve never been the submissive one before, I uh usually do doggy so my body isn’t seen as much. I’ve never even had a chick ride me before but you being on top sounds really hot, we don’t to have sex by the way, I was just saying if you wanted to I’m down” Matt confessed.

“If you stop talking about sex with other women, you have a deal. I might keep my shirt on though” I replied as I started slowly rocking my hips again. Matt’s grip on my waist tightened and he thrusted his hips up, his hard-on pressing against my clit so nicely that I let out a small, quiet moan. His eyes grew even darker after that, “No you will not. I wanna see your beautiful belly, I just know it’s gonna turn me on so much more” he instructed me.

I blushed and nodded, “Okay then handsome, just lay back and let me do all the work, tonight is all about you” I said, watching him nod before my lips were on his. I slid my tongue across his bottom lip, silently asking for access to his mouth which was quickly granted. He had a bit of trouble giving up control over the kiss at first but once I started trailing my kisses down his throat, he finally gave up on trying to win.

Matt’s pov

After Y/n had dominated the kiss, we made out for a bit before she started kissing down my neck. Once she reached the collar of my shit, she stopped and stood up to unbutton her pants. “If you really want me to make you feel good, take your pants off for me” she said seductively as she pulled off her own baggy jeans. I followed her directions and pulled my sweats off before grabbing her hand and leading her to sit on my lap again.

Y/n sat on my lap again before taking off her shirt, leaving her in a black lacy bra with matching panties. “Fuck… you look so goddamn beautiful” I said while looking into her eyes, my hands running up her thighs. “Mmm, thank you handsome. Can I take your shirt off?” she smiled, placing a short but sweet kiss to my lips, “You can do whatever you want to me” I panted, already being completely whipped for her.

She took my shirt off before whispering in my ear, “You’re such a good boy for letting mommy taking care of you like this” as I helped her get my pants and boxers off. “Such a pretty cock Matty. You gonna let me make you feel good?” Y/n teased, making me squirm a bit. “Please! Please just make me cum!” I pathetically begged as I watched her hand slowly move up and down my cock.

Y/n’s pov

“Anything for my sweet boy. Now tell me what it is that you want baby” I asked softly, loving how fucked out he looked already. “Want your mouth please mommy! Want you to ride me after!” Matt confessed all whiny and desperate, and who was I to deny him that? Without a word, I nodded before bring his tip into my mouth, loving the whimper he let out, “Yeah j-just like that, fuck!” he groaned as I swirled my tongue around his tip.

After teasing Matt a little bit, I decided to fully take him into my mouth, almost immediately deepthroating his cock. “Holy shit mommy! You’re so good at this! I won’t last long!” he cried out, bucking his hips up when I hummed against him. I continued doing this for a few more minutes when I felt Matt start to twitch in my mouth, his lower abdomen contacting as well.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck! I’m gonna cum— shit!” he whimpered as his hips thrusted upward and his left hand came down to hold my head in place. His right hand was pulling at his own hair as he shout a huge load into my mouth, so much that it was literally dripping out of the corners of my mouth. As I came up for air, I wiped the corners of my mouth to clean up the spilled cum and then licked it off.

“Did that feel good Matty? You were such a good boy” I smile as I placed a sweet kiss to his lips. “More! I-I need more! Y/n please, I need you to ride me. I’m so fucking hard still, I need to drain my balls in you” Matt begged me. “So needed aren’t we?” “Yes, please I need you” Matt nearly yelled with tears in his eyes. “Okay, okay, calm down sweet boy. You’ll get what you want, just be patient” I spoke softly as I pulled off my panties and unhooked my bra.

Matts hands immediately went down to my ass, staring up at me with a look of desperation. “Are you gonna be a good boy?” “Very good!” I smiled as I slowly sunk down on his cock, trying to adjust to how long and thick it was. “S-So tight mommy! So f-fucking tight!” Matt whimpered out as I started to move up and down with the help of him. Both of us were moaning quite loudly as I started to move faster, pulling his hair in the process.

“Such a good boy Matty, making mommy feel so good with your big cock!” “W-Want you to cum. Wanna f-fill you up” Matt grunted as he started bucking his hips up into me at a fast pace. We were both very close and with one more thrust that hit my g-spot perfectly, I was cumming on his cock. “Fuck Matt, I’m cumming. Oh god— cum for me baby!” I cried as I rode through my orgasm, starting to slightly overstimulated but wanting Matt to cum.

With a loud whiny growl, Matt came inside of me, this load was equally as big as the one from earlier, instantly dripping down his balls. “Holy shit— I love you, and I’m not just saying that because you gave me the most mind blowing orgasm ever. I genuinely love you Y/n” Matt confess as he started to rub my back. “I love you too Matt, I mean it” I smiled as I placed a soft kiss to his lips “Don’t get off, cockwarm me all night please” he sweetly asked.

I agreed and we got situated so we could lay down, Matt turning off his bedside lamp in the process. “Tomorrow, I’m gonna take you on the best date of your life, but for now, goodnight pretty lady” “Goodnight Matt, I love you” I mumbled into his neck, feeling the sleep take over my body. “I love you too, and thank you for tonight. Now get some rest baby” was the final thing to be said before we drifted off to sleep.

All work is subject to copyright

Do not steal my work

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mrsevans90 · 4 months

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Puppy Love

Captain Syverson x OFC Emma Miller Part 9

Summary: Austin Syverson has returned to Texas after retiring from the military and starts his own contracting business. Syverson is used to being alone and thinks he prefers it that way. While at work he stumbles upon an injured and abused puppy. When he meets the new veterinarian in town, Emma Miller, he is immediately smitten with her. It turns out Emma has some baggage of her own. Will they be able to make it work? Or is it just a case of fleeting puppy love?

Pairing: Henry Cavill as Captain Austin Syverson x OFC Emma Miller

Warnings: Smut, Sy overthinking, PTSD, talk of period, threats to punch someone, language.

MINORS DNI! Must be 18+

I do not authorize any copying/pasting, stealing of my work, or using my words as your own.

This story is not beta’d. All mistakes are my own.

A/N: I am an imperfect person who makes mistakes. All that I ask is to please be kind and if you enjoy it then please comment and REPOST! I appreciate any love, comments, and reposts more than you could know. Thank you for reading!

Part 8

The work week feels as though it’s going terribly slow. Monday night I made plans with Walter to meet up for dinner and a beer. I wanted to thank him for getting to my girl so quickly last weekend and asked him to keep a close eye on the situation. He informed me that Colin bonded out Monday morning but that he was beyond pissed about being locked up for the weekend. The jail doesn’t do releases on Sunday so he ultimately had to sit and wait until someone could bail him out Monday morning which probably enraged him more than just initially being brought back in. I updated Walt on the security measures taken at Emma’s house and then let him know she was having a professional security system installed on Tuesday. I made sure to text Emma throughout the day when I could and called her every night before bed but I found myself really missing her. By Monday night, our texts started getting flirtier and Tuesday we found ourselves straight up sexting. I felt like a teenager telling her all the things that I wanted to do to her and even sent her a picture of me shirtless after a workout before getting into the shower. After my shower, I saw that she replied with a daring picture of her in lingerie laying in her bed and I swear I thought I had a stroke from how long I stood there staring at her picture. Her hair was curled and laid out over her shoulders, she had her bottom lip tucked in between her teeth and was wearing a deep purple lace lingerie set that instantly had me sweating. Without thinking, I immediately video called her even though we hadn’t done that yet. I was surprised with how quickly she answered the phone.

“I was wondering if you either died or just didn’t like my picture.” Emma says as she answers the phone. She was still lying in bed but had the covers pulled up under her arms.

“Sugar, I think I just about had a stroke when I got out of the shower and saw what you had sent me. Sweet Jesus babygirl, you are beautiful.”

“Thank you. I definitely looked at your picture for longer than I care to admit.” She smiles shyly.

“Oh yeah? Like Ol’ Sy all sweaty from a work out?”

“Mmhmm.. reminds me of when I get you sweaty from other workouts with me. Cardio specifically.”

“You naughty little minx. How about now that I’m all cleaned up?” I pan my phone down to show my raging hard on not concealed by anything since I didn’t bother with boxers once I got dried off, too distracted by Emma’s selfie.”

“Jesus Sy! Looks like you might be missing me a little bit.” She says cheekily.

“Just a bit. I’d be willing to bet that you might be missing me too?”

“Mmm, the little wet spot on my panties says yes.”

“Fuck, darlin! Let me see, please.”

Emma throws the covers off of her and spreads her legs to show me and I growl through the phone. She surprises me when she slides her thong to the side and shows me her petals glistening with her want. She arches her back and unclasps her bra to show me her perfect tits, begging to be sucked on.

“Oh, babygirl. I need you to touch that sweet little peach for me. Would you want to do that?” She nods and I start slowly stroking my cock.

“Pretend it’s me baby, put two of your fingers in that tight little pussy and curl ‘em up just like I do.” She breathily agrees and follows my instruction. I place my phone where she can see me stroking myself and I hear her moan.

“My fingers are too small. Yours fill me up better.” She whines.

“Oh, but I’m picturing those little hands wrapped around me before you spread your mouth and put your gorgeous lips on my cock.”

“Yeah? Mmm keep going baby.” She mutters as she continues to work herself towards her high.

My voice gets deeper as I’m thrusting into my fist, “Oh I’d be spinning you around so I could get my tongue on your tasty little peach while you choked on my cock baby. I’d have your sexy ass cheeks spread above my face while I shoved two fingers in you and make you squirt all over my tongue while you swallowed my cum.”

“Ah, Austin! I’m cumming!” She cries out and I fuck my fist harder until my release spurts all over my chest and abs. Damn, I’ll need to shower again. I hate cum on my chest hair.

“Damn, darlin’!” I say as I lay back and look at Emma through the screen. She looks back at me shyly and fixes her panties before leaning forward and tugging a t-shirt over her. I am immediately jealous that it’s not my t-shirt and think I should give her one to sleep in so that maybe she’ll dream about me.

“Don’t get all shy on me now, Sugar. We’ve done much dirtier stuff than that.” I laugh as I use my towel to wipe my spend off of myself before tossing it in the hamper and listen to her giggle.

“It just feels different not being able to snuggle up to you right after and feel you.” She murmurs.

“I know, angel. How about we have dinner tomorrow night so I can at least see you, if you’re free.”

“That’d be nice. Want to come to mine and we can just order take out? Maybe from Gia’s?”

“Sounds perfect, Babygirl. Everything go okay with the alarm system install today?”

“It did. The guy taught me how to use everything and I got all of the accompanying glass break sensors as well as the fire alarm and carbon monoxide connections too. It’s fully armed and already feel more relaxed knowing that the whole place is being monitored by the alarm company. Maybe that’s why I sent that spicy picture to you.”

“Well, that definitely makes me so happy and relieved. Plus, you got me acting like a teenager practically cumming on myself the second I saw you. You always look so beautiful, Sugar. Even now you’re stunning in just a t-shirt, although I wish it was my t-shirt you were wearing.” Her cheeks blush into a bright pink at the compliment I give her and I make it a new goal to get her blushing like that every time I talk to her.

“If I had one of yours, I would sleep in it.” She says with a yawn.

“Guess I better get one to you then.” She nods enthusiastically and I can tell she’s getting sleepy.

“I’m going to let you go and get some rest now, beautiful. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, alright?”

“Mkay, goodnight Austin. Sweet dreams.

“You too, Darlin’. Night.” I tell her before hanging up. I decide to not bother with rinsing off again since I’ll shower after my run in the morning and brush my teeth so I can turn in for the night.

I jolt upright from a nightmare and feel the sweat trickle down my chest. Fuck. I brush my hands over my face and look at my phone as I try to catch my breath. 1:56 am. Aika whines at me and slowly patters over to the bed in the moonlit room.

“I’ll be alright girl. Just the usual shit. Sorry I woke you up.” I gruffly tell her and point for her to get back in her bed. At least someone should get some sleep. To my surprise, Mills is still unconscious on his side in his little dog bed. Normally, my yelling or grunting during nightmares has Aika, whose hearing abilities have started to fade in her old age, up and by the bed in a matter of minutes in an attempt to comfort me. I stretch my bones and head to the restroom to relieve myself and cool off with some cold water on my face and head. I stare at my reflection in the mirror. What am I doing? I can’t get involved with Emma. She deserves the perfect guy and a picket fence lifestyle. I’m fucked up and can’t even sleep for more than three hours some nights. What if she had been here tonight and saw this? I could hurt her in my sleep. I got lucky the two nights that she stayed here, but I also don’t think I’ve ever slept so well. That could be because she wore me out with her sex abilities. God, I wish I could just turn it all off. All of the trauma and the nightmares. I would give anything not to see the blood, smell the gunshot smoke, or hear the sounds of assault rifles firing around me. She’s beautiful and delicate and already scared enough from the loser she used to date. The last thing I would ever want is for her to be afraid of me. I toss some more cold water in my face before I head to the fridge and get a bottle of water. I try to lay back down knowing it’s hit or miss if I’ll fall back asleep. If I do, I’ll either pick up right where the nightmare left off, or I’ll be so exhausted that I’ll sleep without any dreams at all. That’s what I’m praying for. I close my eyes and try to think of nothing other than Emma’s smile. Emma’s happiness as she loves on the dogs, and her peaceful face while fully relaxed in sleep.

My alarm startles me awake at 5:30 and unlike most days I don’t want to get up. I was lucky that I was eventually able to fall into a dreamless sleep. I toss some shorts on and brush my teeth while the dogs do their business out back. After feeding them, I grab my earbuds and my phone, tie my tennis shoes and head out for my run. Pounding the pavement with Led Zeppelin blaring in my ears helps me clear out my head. Some people run to think through their problems. I do the opposite, I run to empty my head of anything and everything. Choosing to focus instead on the nature around me and the difficulty of the path I have chosen. Inhaling and exhaling is my focus. Everything else gets pushed away for another day.

Luckily the day moved on a bit quicker, probably since I was so tired. After listening to my Nana rave about Emma again and ask for updates, which I had none to give, I was able to get on to work and push my focus onto the project at hand. After work, I went home to shower and put on some clean clothes before loading up the pups and heading out. I even remembered to grab an old faded green army t-shirt to give Emma before I left. I was on my way to Emma’s house for dinner and was still feeling a bit conflicted about our relationship. It’s obviously all my own bullshit, but I can’t help but feel like Emma doesn’t know what she’s truly getting herself involved with because I haven’t shown her that side of me. I know nothing has been made official, and that’s my own doing but I don’t know how far I should let this go. I absolutely wanted to see her and spend time with her, that wasn’t a lie. I just worry about getting attached or involving her in my problems, more than she already knows of at least. I decide not to allow my self-loathing to ruin the night, so I talk myself out of that headspace before pulling into Emma’s driveway.

She answered the door and immediately loved on the dogs. Mills still has limited manners so I had to reprimand him a bit for jumping on her. Didn’t need him scratching up her gorgeous legs in those tiny little shorts. After the dogs made it inside, Emma wrapped her arms around my neck and stood on her tip toes to give me a kiss. It wasn’t overly passionate, but it was definitely more than a peck. It reminded me of our kiss that day on my back patio.

“Hi.”

“Hey, Babygirl. You doing okay?”

“Mmhmm. Is it lame to say that I missed you?”

“Nah, not if that’s how you’re feelin’. I missed you too, Sugar.” I say as I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. There’s that blush that I’m always aiming to see. I smirk at her.

“As always, you’re looking delicious.”

“Delicious? Like something edible?”

“You know I’m a man of my word and I’d love to eat every inch of you. I could show you if you don’t believe me.” She shakes her head incredulously as I smirk while my hands roam up and down her body. She bites her lip and I groan. She giggles and places a quick kiss against the scruff on my cheek before turning around and walking to the living room.

"I brought you something." I say and hand her the shirt. She beams at me before lightly kissing my lips.

"Thank you!" She inhales and I arch my eyebrow. "It smells like you."

"I hope that's not a bad thing." I chuckle.

"It's a very good thing." Wow, this is some real boyfriend shit, Sy.

We sit on the couch and I pull her legs across my lap, so that I can run my hands up and down them.

“I’ve already got my food order in the cart, what do you want to eat? I’m starving!”

“Hmm… I guess I’ll do some fettucine alfredo, and get some of those garlic knots please.”

“Mkay! Do you want a salad too?”

“I guess I ought too.” I say patting my belly. She rolls her eyes dramatically.

“Yeah, you’re almost at risk of losing one of your several abs. Can’t be too careful.” She says in her little southern sarcastic drawl. I arch my eyebrow at her. “Was that sass, lil’ miss? I’ll have you know, my abs aren’t going anywhere unless you start cooking for me every day. I’m still dreamin’ about those biscuits.” I tickle her sides and she attempts to fight me off.

“Okay, okay. I give up! No more tickles. Please, I can’t take it.” She says breathlessly and clutching her stomach almost in pain. Maybe I was too rough with her. She’s so small compared to me, I guess I need to be gentler.

“I’m sorry, Darlin’. Was I too rough?”

“Nope, just got a stitch in my side.” She replies.

After placing the order for our food, she shows me the alarm system that was installed so she can get my opinion on it. We head back to the couch and are involved in quite a heavy make-out session with Emma sitting in my lap. I start to unbutton her shorts so that I can slide my fingers into her warm, wet destination and am surprised that she shakes her head while pushing my hand away and says “not tonight.” I’m fine with it if she doesn’t want to do anything, I’ve never had an issue with being told no, but now I’m just curious as to if I’ve done something wrong. She’s acting just a little bit off towards me. I’m about to ask as the doorbell rings with our food order. After Emma receives the food, we sit down and start eating.

“You alright?” I ask her.

“Mmhmm.” She smiles over her glass of sweet tea but it doesn’t reach her eyes.

“How’s work been so far this week?” She asks.

“Usual, busy with projects coming up but I’m not complainin’ about job security.” I tell her. “What about for you?”

“It’s been busy, I feel like I barely get a chance to sit down but good. I have two surgeries scheduled tomorrow, just regular neuters, but who knows what else may come up. Did you know there is a man in town who has a 28-year-old tortoise named Fred?”

“Yeah, that’s the young family that moved here a few years back. Jonathan Turner.”

“Yes! Fred was so sweet. I haven’t gotten to care for a tortoise since I was in vet school and even then, I mostly was just observing. He was healthy though, which is good. It took three of us to get him in and out of the owner’s car, but I got Janet to take a picture of me feeding him lettuce today.” She says while showing me the picture on her phone with a smile. There she is smiling widely while holding lettuce to a giant turtle. I love how passionate she is about her job.

“Well ain’t that the cutest. Send it to me.”

“I meant to send it to you earlier, but just got swamped with charting and forgot.” She tells me as she sends the photo to my phone. We’d been sending each other random candid pictures throughout the past couple of days.

“You never told me how your dad reacted to the whole Colin thing?” Maybe that’s what’s bothering her.

“Oh, it was essentially a two-hour conversation where he listed all of the reasons I should come back home to live with them, and then all of the reasons I’m not safe here. He feels like I’m ‘not hearing him’ or I’m ‘taking unnecessary risks in the name of independence.’”

“Why does he think you aren’t safe here?”

“Mainly because I’m alone, I don’t have friends or family close by, and Colin now knows my address and place of work.”

“He knows where you work?”

“Yeah. At work on Monday, Janet informed me that a man had called last Saturday and asked if I would be working that weekend. She explained that I wasn’t on call and for the weekend but that if there was an emergency, she could recommend an emergency veterinarian. He didn’t give her his name, but it had to be him.”

“Fuck.”

“Yup, that’s probably what he attempted first. I mean, it’s not hard to google my name as a veterinarian and find what clinic I��m associated with. That’s likely how he found out I was here in town.”

“Well, what’s the plan if he shows up at work?”

“I’ve given Janet his name and description. If he shows up, she is supposed to discreetly notify me and call the police. That’s really all I can do. I’m sure the entire town will know by the end of the week because she seems to be quite the gossip.” Emma says embarrassed.

“Baby, you’ve done nothing wrong and everyone will see that. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“It’s just that I was loving the fact that nobody here knew about my past. I wasn’t judged or pitied immediately. I was starting to get to know people and being viewed for my job and personality rather than some crazy sob story that everyone talks about. I’m just frustrated that it’s over now.”

“I can have a talk with her if”

“No, no. I appreciate it but I just don’t want to bring it up anymore.” She interrupts.

“Alright, how’d you leave things with your parents?”

“Well, Dad wanted to come out immediately but I still don’t have anywhere for him to stay. I'm not going to let them waste money on a hotel. I’ve convinced them to wait until the weekend after next to come and visit. So, I have to get all of the furniture for the guest bedroom figured out this weekend.”

“I’m happy to help if you’d like.”

“I might take you up on that offer because otherwise I planned to hire someone to help me get a bed inside.”

“Nah, sweetness. Sy’s gotchu.”

“Yes, he does.” She grins.

“I’m ready for dessert.” She says while I’m cleaning up the plates from our dinner.

“Whatcha got in mind?” I ask because I’m thinking it’s not the same as what I had in mind originally.

“Ice cream!” She opens the freezer door and pulls out a large gallon of blue bell vanilla ice cream. That brand is about the closest to homemade that you can buy. That’ll do.

She brings it to the counter and reaches on her tiptoes to bring down two bowls from the cabinet.

She hands me the scoop and I get started scooping some out for us as she scopes out some chocolate syrup.

“I need chocolate.” She smiles. We take our bowls to the living room and pile up on the couch but she leaves a little bit of space between us which feels unusual.

“Something I did to bother ya, Sugar?”

“No, not at all! Why do you say that?”

“You just seem a little off tonight. I’m not saying anything’s wrong, I just wanted to make sure I didn’t piss ya off without realizing.”

“God no. It’s not you. It’s me, I’m just not feeling great.”

“Coming down with something?” I ask.

“Not necessarily. It’s… sorry, it’s awkward to say, but it’s that time of the month. Started around lunchtime today and the cramps can be pretty painful.” She whispers with pink tinted cheeks.

Duh. The chocolate, not wanting my hands in her pants, holding her tummy after I tickled her.

“Babygirl, I’m a grown man. Nothing to be shy or embarrassed about. I ain’t afraid of a little blood. You coulda told me and I would’ve brought you some medicine or sweets. It’s natural, Sugar.” She fidgets with her fingers while I’m speaking.

“Sorry, Colin was always weirded out if I said anything about it. Heaven forbid he saw me buying tampons. He acted like I was disgusting and I guess, old habits die hard.”

“He’s a pussy.” I say and she laughs at my response.

“He is. One time, I bled on the bed when I got my period in the middle of the night and he was so freaked out. I apologized but he threw the sheets away. He wouldn’t let me wash them. Just threw them away and told me to buy some new ones. He made it more embarrassing than it already was. It was right after we moved in together so I just assumed he wasn’t used to living with a woman but he never got comfortable with ‘feminine things.’”

I sigh. Poor thing. “I’m not like that. Periods are natural and I don’t have a problem with any of it. I’ll even buy you tampons if you need me too. Even rub your little tummy.” I say with a grin and she smiles back. “You don’t have to be worried about telling me. In fact, next time, please tell me so I can come prepared to make you feel better.”

“I just didn’t want to gross you out. We still haven’t been seeing each other that long and I guess I was just embarrassed.”

“I swear if that douchebag ever shows back up, I’m not showing restraint again. I’m going to punch that asshole straight in the face for ever making you feel bad.” I tell her as I set the bowl on the coffee table.

“I appreciate the sentiment but you don’t have to do that. Hopefully we’ll never see him again. Maybe he got the point last time.”

“Come ‘ere.” I tell her as I pat my lap.

She climbs up on my lap and I shift us so I'm spooning her on the couch with my arm under her head. I reach under her the edge of her shirt to gently place my hand across the width of her little abdomen. She sighs and snuggles her face into my arm.

“Thank you.” Her muffled voice says against my skin.

“Don’t have to thank me for a thing. In fact, thank you for telling me what was going on. I was worried I made you mad somehow.”

“How would you have made me mad? You’re perfect. You literally never do or say anything wrong.”

“Sugar, I do a lot wrong, not intentionally of course. I’m a typical man so I can sometimes be an idiot. I might say or do something wrong and not even realize.” I chuckle and so does she. “Just promise me you’ll tell me if I fuck up and don’t realize?”

“I promise.” She says. We sit there in silence just cuddling a bit before she speaks.

“Would you tell me about your mom?” It catches me off guard.

“What do you want to know?”

“What was she like? Did she look like you? What do you miss the most about her.”

“She was the most incredible mother I could imagine having. Very loving, not very subtle when she didn’t like something I did, but she loved me anyway. She had long dark curly hair like mine before the chemo made it fall out. She was a great cook; got that from Nana, and she loved gardening. She always had the prettiest yard with all kinds of different flowers. She was a teacher when I was growing up, taught first grade at the elementary school. She loved reading and made sure I had hundreds of books to read. I guess I miss just talking to her the most. She always had a way of calming me down. She was extremely wise and would listen patiently before dropping the most prophetic advice you could imagine.” I smile at the thought but then images of her sick and weak from the chemo pop into my brain and I stop.

“I’m so sorry she got sick and you lost her. She sounds incredible.”

“She really was. I miss her a lot. She died and I guess I lost all sense of direction for a while. Decided to focus on the military and let it harden me a bit.”

“It was how you chose to grieve. I certainly don’t know what I would’ve done in your position… Do you regret serving in the army?”

“Not at all. Serving my country gave me purpose when I didn't have any. It definitely kept me from going buck-wild and down a dark road. I shouldn’t even be alive, but I am so I have to make the most of the life I was given when others weren’t so lucky.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just…I just got lucky. Good men died out there in front of me. Under my leadership. It’s hard to go on from that and act like life is normal when you’ve seen some of the things that I have.”

“You could tell me about it… you know, if you wanted too. You don’t have to carry that alone.” She turns in my arms to face me.

“I can’t.” I tell her, my voice almost cracking. She looks at me and nods.

“I’m here if you ever want too.”

“Thanks, Sugar. Don’t worry about me. I’m alright.” I rub the scruff on my head.

We lay there just cuddling and watching tv before she yawns and I know I need to head on home. We both have work tomorrow.

After several goodbye kisses and the promise of Friday lingering in our minds, I load up the dogs and head on home.

Part 10

Author's Note: Just a heads up friends, I am still in the first trimester of my pregnancy and the morning sickness (ALL DAY SICKNESS) is making it so hard to write when I want too. The doc put me on meds to help, but they make me super sleepy. I also have other littles that require a lot of time and attention. Just to let y'all know, updates may be slow but I will be working on it when I have time/feel well enough. Thank you for your patience with me and THANK YOU for following along on Sy and Emma's journey!

Taglist: @shellyshellshell, @henryownsme, @caramariehurst, @beck07990, @mollymal, @kingliam2019, @syversonswife, @identity2212, @starfirewildheart, @hannah9921, @wa-ni, @kneelforloki, @cutedoxie, @enchantedbytomandhenry, @foxyjwls007, @geralts-yenn, @courtlynwriter, @corrie1013, @squeezyvalkyrie, @summersong69, @livisss, @mayloma, @uunotheangel, @warriormirkwood

#henry cavill characters #captain syverson #captain sy #captain syverson fanfiction #captain syverson fic #captain syverson smut #henry cavill #henry cavill fanfiction #captain syverson fluff

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1-800-whatwouldbillydo · 1 year

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Dissecting Character Scenes: Billy Hargrove

*I say that like he’s not the only character I analyze lmfao- anyway*

His Hand Movements

The above movement is what I do when:

I’m nervous. For one, it helps me calm down. Since anxiety is essentially unwanted energy, it helps deal with me being an overcharged energizer bunny by using that energy in a non-harmful way.

I get too in my head, and I need to ground myself.

I’m thinking.

I’m about to talk to someone or do something. When you overthink, or when you have a lot on your mind, even talking to people is something you feel like you need some preparation for. Especially when you’re in a completely different environment, and you have to start over.

I need to remember something, like the “script”. What am I going to say to Person A? What are they going to do? How are they going to respond? How should I respond? These scripts are like mental teleprompters. I play numerous scenarios in my head, and I prepare a bunch of responses to them, whether it’s physical or verbal. It’s an internal peptalk. Sometimes you cancel out the responses that you don’t think will apply, and you zero in on what you’re going with. Needless to say, it takes some time to always do this, which you aren’t always offered.

When you live with an unpredictable abuser, you’re walking on eggshells. It can require you to apply extreme control over your tone, your volume, your facial expression, and your words. They nitpick at everything you say, so you learn to think before you talk. You have to take a step back somehow, collect yourself, and keep a level head, which is hard in an environment like that.

The impressions other people have of you can get you in trouble with your abuser. Whether you’re late for a class or you don’t turn in an assignment, the last thing you want is for someone to call your abuser.

They count on you to mess up somehow, so they have a “justification” to punish you. If you talk back or raise your voice, they can see this as a green light, because they’re making you react. And your reaction, no matter what, will probably piss them off.

So, thinking things through, including your tone of voice and what comes out of your mouth, are things you tend to pick up in that sort of environment.

Scene #2

How am I going to handle this?

That’s what I find myself asking when I find myself in an unknown situation where I need to measure my response. The unknown tends to be borderline suspicious. Sure, living with someone like Neil can make you paranoid, but you’ve got some built in red flags in your court. You pick up things that others may not. To you, it’ll probably be common sense. In this situation, it IS common sense for Billy to be suspicious of Steve.

Flying off the handle immediately isn’t Billy’s style. It takes a considerable amount of control to even talk to Steve. Neil had shaken him up, and then Billy dealt with Karen. Now he’s having to deal with Steve lying to him about where Max is. But he uses force as a last resort. So much happened to him before this particular scene, that he was most likely a bundle of emotions and anxiety by the time he drove up to the Byers’ house.

While the audience knew what was going on, Billy didn’t. The fact that he actually tried to talk to Steve shows that he didn’t want for there to be a fight. He just wanted to get Max home.

“I don’t understand” is quite literally his theme all throughout his life. The entire time he was in Hawkins, he did not understand what was going on.

@ickypuppi3 pointed out that he fidgets so much with his fingers, like that scene with Max in the car at school when he’s holding his cigarette. The anxiety really comes through when he’s about to do something.

Scene #3

Like in this scene, where he’s prepping to face Neil, who’s banging on his door, signaling that he’s in a hotheaded mood. How Neil’s “temperature” is will indicate what Billy’s reaction will be. Here, he has to face Neil’s heat with as much of a cool head as he can. He also knows that no matter what he does, Neil will blow a gasket.

GIF credit to @suledins

#when your blorbos are already so much like you that self-projection is bullshit #Dissecting Character Scenes #ch: billy hargrove #character analysis #neil hargrove #billy hargrove #billy deserved better #billy hargrove character analysis #billy hargrove deserved better #tw mentions of abuse #just in case #every-dayiwakeup #i am once again spreading my 'billy thinks things through and has more patience than people give him credit for' agenda #if you see any errors #no no you dont ✨️✨️✨️

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hatsunevitu · 11 months

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there’s something i’d like to share, and it’s this headcanon.

like. i have a whole kyman & weidi au about post-s21 heidi who’s trying to recover from her relationship with cartman and become the same kind, innocent and happy girl she was before. some of her friends (mostly wendy who hated heidi’s guts while her “cartman’s gf” arc but is actually quite caring and helpful for heidi seeing how she’s really willing to change) told her that in order to finally move on she has to apologise to kyle. she was feeling really guilty ‘cause of her behaviour… you know, telling kyle that antisemitic shit cartman has taught her and dumping him in s21e7. she never apologised to him properly and now she wanted to make a change.

so the au basically starts long time after heiman’s final breakup, when heidi finally has some strength to actually come up to kyle and apologise to him:

heidi: Hey, Kyle?

kyle, raising an eyebrow in surprise: Oh… Heidi?… I, um, didn’t expect to see you.

heidi: That’s… understandable. Listen, I just wanted to talk to you about something important. You’re not busy, are you?

kyle, looking back at kenny: No, no. Kenny, don’t you mind going to the class by yourself? I’ll talk to you later.

kenny, grinning and winking mockingly: (Sure, guys, take your time!)

kyle: …So, um, what did you want to discuss? Is it something about school?

heidi: No, no, it’s not. I, uh, I wanted to apologise to you. For how I acted before. You know, you really didn’t deserve this, Kyle. I was so mean to you when all you wanted was to make me feel better. It’s just… When I said all those horrible things that night, and when I made fun of you with Eri… with Cartman… I know you must hate me now, because I would hate me too if I were you. After all that time I spent feeling sorry for myself, making myself a victim instead of taking responsibility for my actions… I just wanted to let you know that I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was an awful person and I’m trying to change now.

kyle: Oh, wow. That’s nice to hear, but, Heidi, I never really hated you. I mean, you were dating Cartman, it’s only natural he spoiled and confused you and made you feel so much hatred and anger inside. I understand it and I really appreciate that you’re recovering now. Thanks for apologising!

heidi: You’re… you really are nice. No wonder he talked about you all the time, huh. …Well, um. I really have to go, but maybe if you don’t mind we could chat later. I’d really like to talk to you more.

kyle: Sure, Heidi! Maybe we can even hang out like friends, you know?

heidi, smiling brightly: Wow, that’d be great! Thanks again, Kyle! I’ll see you later then, I guess?

kyle: Yeah, see you, Heidi! It was nice talking to you!

and then kyle returns to kenny, who’s smiling knowingly and making inappropriate jokes:

kenny: So, how was it?

kyle: How was what?

kenny: Flirting with Cartman’s ex?

kyle: I didn’t flirt with her! She just apologised to me and told me she’d like to hang out sometimes.

kenny: U-huh, sure, dude. And that doesn’t seem kinda flirty to you?

kyle: I’m serious! It’s over, I dont feel anything for her and neither does she.

kenny: You kidding me? She was obviously hitting on you, Kyle! Oh, man, Cartman will be pissed off when he finds out!

kyle: You will not tell Cartman about this. And stop making this a big deal, get your own life already!

and the satisfaction and joy of finally getting a proper apology soon were replaced with irritation ‘cause kyle started to overthink things like he usually does. he started to think about heidi possibly having feelings for him while he really couldn’t feel the same so it kinda scared him. he didn’t want to hurt her or something by rejecting her, so he mostly tried to avoid her and acted really nervous around her. she tried to get closer with him, chat and something like that, but he only blushed and stuttered.

wendy having seen their interactions was quite annoyed. she wrongly assumed kyle had a crush on heidi and noticed with irritation that “this jerk can’t hide his feelings. he acts too much like he has something for you, heidi”. and heidi started to overthink too, ‘cause she really didn’t feel anything special for kyle and the possibility of having to reject him and break his heart again was just painful. so she started to avoid kyle too (‘cause they’re both stupid when it comes to dealing with other people’s emotions), making him even more convinced in her crushing on him.

so basically they avoid each other for like… at least a month before they finally have the talk.

kyle: Wait, Heidi!

heidi: Oh… hello, Kyle.

kyle: Heidi, listen to me carefully, I really need to tell you something. You’re a nice girl and I really, really like you–

heidi: (Oh, no…)

kyle: But I just can’t feel the same. I didn’t want to break your heart but Stan told me it’s only worse that I am giving you false hope, so, yeah… I am sorry, Heidi, you really are amazing, it’s just… uh…

heidi: Wait, what?

kyle: Please, just don’t start crying–

heidi: But you’re the one who’s in love with me! I was afraid to break your heart!

kyle: What? No, that’s nonsense! Kenny told me you were hitting on me.

heidi: Wendy told me you were hitting on me!

kyle: …So, wait, we don’t feel anything for each other?

heidi: I… guess so?

kyle: That’s… that’s a relief. I was so worried you’d be heartbroken.

heidi: Yeah, me too actually! But now we can hang out normally, without feeling awkward, right?

kyle, smiling: Sure we can!

and they really start to hang out and, moreover, i can see them becoming more like besties, you know… they hang out all the time and turns out they share a lot of hobbies together: they’re both history nerds, for example! but the main reason why they’re so similar is probably because they both suffer from sexuality crisis and internalised homophobia. they sure are gay & lesbian solidarity, huh. i’ve written a few words about heidi understanding she’s a lesbian here.

and we’re coming to a kyman part of story, because cartman is pissed off to see his ex and kyle getting along so well. everyone around him thinks it’s ‘cause he’s jealous and can’t just let heidi go, but the actual reason why he’s so frustrated is because of kyle spending so much time with a girl, lmao. he actually doesn’t really care about heidi anymore – though they are in fact kind of passively aggressive towards each other – but everyone else thinks otherwise. wendy gets really, really annoyed when cartman says something unpleasant about heidi and kyle spending their weekend together:

wendy: Will you stop bugging Heidi? She’s moved on, Cartman, get your own life and grow up already!

cartman, genuinely confused: Who the fuck cares about Heidi???

but not only wendy – kyle is the most surprised to see cartman getting so frustrated ‘cause of their friendship. he even tries to fight cartman after another unasked comment, genuinely not understanding why cartman is still so obsessed with him and heidi being friends (so oblivious lmao):

kyle: You said you don’t fucking care about Heidi anymore!!

cartman: I don’t!!!

kyle: Then why do you still go crazy when she spends her time with me?

cartman: …I’m just genuinely concerned for the poor girl. She has a risk of infection with jewish disease or something.

kyle: There’s no such thing as jewish disease, Fatass!!

and they continue arguing but cartman is distracted ‘cause he’s confused as hell and he keeps thinking why tf do i care and why do i hate seeing kyle with someone else wtf wtf wtf

and there’s like these scenes where cartman sneaks into kyle’s house and shows up at kyle’s room and then he sees kyle and heidi sitting on a bed together and laughing loudly at some nerdy documentary movie, and cartman gets all jelly and he glares at heidi like:

cartman: What is she doing here?

kyle: She’s watching a documentary with me. What are you doing in my room, Fatass?

so yeah basically that’s a slowburn about kyman and weidi and i can see candy&keidi brosistp so clearly.

TL;DR kyle is a confused homosexual heidi is a confused lesbian and they’re both oblivious af about their crushes :D

#kyman #south park #sp #sp kyman #eric cartman #kyle brovlofski #kyle x cartman #kyman headcanon #heidi turner #sp heidi #gay x lesbian solidarity #sp hyle #sp heiman #kyle and heidi are such besties #sp keidi

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whoreforall · 1 year

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first time (pre-cult kai x fem/reader)

:pre-cult kai, body dysmorphia, some praise, bleeding (first time blood), soft kai, dom kai, sub reader:

request by: eddiemunsonsbitch69

“nosey people, like yourself…” he paused. “have to go to court. it’s illegal to be as nosey as yourself.” he raised his brows. i hummed. “well, if i have to go to court. what is my sentence.” my brows raised aswell. kai smirked. my face dropped as i realize what he’s about to do, he knows i hate it. “kai. don’t you da-“ my own laughter cut my sentence short as he tickled my waist. “fuck- you-“ i said between laughs as my back hit against the bed. my arms attempted to pry his hands off me. but i fail like usual. i pushed at his face and i tried not to laugh so loud. “kai-“ i breathed out. “your parents!” i whisper yelled as he smiled down at me. he stopped and my laughter died down as my chest heaved up and down.

“your an asshole.” i breathed out. he smiled as i now realized what our position was. i didn’t notice him crawl over me. his knees were at either sides of my hips and his hands now rested next to my waist. he was basically straddling me. “but you love me.” he smirked. “but your lucky your parents didn’t hear. your dad would be pissed to know i’m here, but the real shocker would be him knowing i’ve been living here.” i smiled. kai shook his head. our gazes stayed glued to one another. kai’s face inched towards mine and his lips gently took place on mine.

soon enough our lips were moving against one another’s. i felt kai’s hand rest on my waist before slowly moving up. i moved my hands to his neck to deepen the kiss. his hand found itself on my boob and he squeezed it which took me by surprise. a moan escaped me and kai took this as a chance to slip his tongue in my mouth. as we continued making out i felt a sort of need slowly developing at my core. kai pulled away from the kiss, he opened his mouth to say something but i tugged at his belt. kai looked down at my hands which remained in their place. “a-are you sure?” he looked back up at me.

was i nervous? yes. of course i was. but i wanted to, it feels right. i nodded before saying “yeah.” kai smiled gently. he stood up removing his own clothing first, his boxers remained on though. i let out a breath i didn’t know i was holding. i admired his slim yet toned figure. kai looked at me again and moved his hands to mine arms. he pulled me up rather quickly making me gasp. i looked up at him as his hands tugged at the bottom of my shirt. before i knew it my shirt was off. i quickly felt a lump fork in my throat as i looked down at my body. i moved my hands over my stomach before kai’s hands came into view. i looked up at him. his eyes were focused on my arms as i felt him pull them away. “stop hiding y/n.” he paused and looked at me. “your beautiful” he smiled. i felt my face heat up as i smiled back at kai.

he knelt down keeping eye contact as his hands moved around to my back. he unclasped my bra pulling it off of my shoulders. he tossed it to the side and admired me. it was the first time i actually allowed him to see me. he had a loving look on his face as he kissed the middle of my chest. he rested his head against my chest and his hands rested on my hips. my hand went up to his hair gently playing with it. “i love you kai.” i smiled to myself as the words left me. “i love you” he replied kissing the top of my breast before making eye contact with me. i felt his hands glide down to the hem of my pajama pants before he pulled them down gently. i laid on my back looking up at the ceiling and lifted my hips up to help him.

he pulled them all the way off and before i knew it he was kissing down my stomach. i took notice of my breathing, as it got a little heavier. i could feel how wet i was already and i got nervous again. overthinking is apparently my specialty. what if that’s not supposed to happen yet? i looked down as kai reached my pussy. he kissed my bud making me moan before he licked a stripe up my folds. he looked up at me and we made eye contact before i let me head rest against the bed. “are you ok with this?” i heard his soft voice. “yeah i’m just nervous.” i brushed it off. “are you comfortable?” he spoke up again.

“physically?” i asked. i heard him chuckle. “that, and mentally?” i smiled at his words. “physically yes, mentally almost.” just then i felt kai’s finger slide into ms slowly. my lips parted as i grunted quietly. his finger pumped in and out at a slow pace. the feeling was unfamiliar. i’ve master bated but kai’s fingers were longer and thicker then mine. it felt different. his hands were more rough then mine, it felt good. “you think your ready for two?” he asked. i mumbled a yes and when his finger pulled out, 2 pushed back in. i gasped and furrowed my brows. “kai-“ i grunted out.

“feels good?” he questioned. i nodded, too focused on the feeling to speak. i felt my hips grind against his hand and he did just what my body wanted. he went faster. i moaned as my breath started getting shorter. my back arched and i felt my stomach heating up. the feeling slowly getting more intense, but before it could go further his fingers left. i looked down confused and kai was already looking at me with a smug smirk on his face. he got up and grabbed me which caused me to yelp. he laid my head against the pillow, placing me in the correct position on the bed. kai was ontop of me and kissed me again. i felt him move and when he broke the kiss i looked down to see him boxers were now off. my eyes widened at the size of his dick. he had a boner obviously but damn-

i was expecting it to be average… it’s not giant but that thing is bigger then what i expected. my guess is 7. my thoughts were interrupted by kai. “hey.” he said making me look at him. “if your not ready that’s ok, remember that. i won’t be upset with you.” he smiled. “who said i was having second thoughts?” i said playfully. “your face did.” he raised his brows. “well my face lied, please continue.” i rested my head against the pillow smile remaining. kai returned the smiled and kissed the bridge of my nose before reaching over to the nightstand. i know it’s gonna hurt, i know i’ll most likely bleed. a lot of girls do when they lose their virginity.

kai slid the condom on. and positioned himself. he looked at me and we made eye contact as he slowly pushed in. my eyes squeezed shut. “fuck.” i whispered. once he was all the way in he stayed still. i felt my brows knit together at the immense pain. this shit hurts worse then i thought. my hands found kai’s shoulders and my nails dig into his skin. i heard him moan softly before i slowly opened my eyes. kai’s eyes were down, looking at the scene down there. i joined him and felt liquid dripping out of me. “am i bleeding?” i asked him. he looked up at me and we made eye contact. “yeah, don’t worry it’s normal.” he smiled. “i know it’s normal-“ i groaned as i felt him move a bit.

“you ok?” he asked worried. “yeah still adjusting…” i closed my eyes once again. i felt kai’s lips on my neck placing gentle kisses before he found a spot. he started sucking my neck making me moan. just then i felt the pain slowly slipping away. and once i couldn’t feel it, i felt that needy feeling. but it was more intense then before. i grinded my hips up to have some movement and kai pulled away from my neck. “i’m ready…” i breathed out. kai slowly pushed in and out of me but it wasn’t his full length anymore. i knew he was inching towards it but he wanted me to feel good. i felt his breath on my neck right before he buried his face there. after a few minutes of the slow thrusts it felt so painfully slow. “kai… faster?” i said almost as if asking permission.

i felt kai smile as he progressively got faster. this time was different though, it was his full length. moan after moan, i got louder and kai’s face was yet again infront of mine. he quickly kissed me to keep me quiet. the heat in my stomach was getting more and more intense each thrust. my hands scratched across his back now as he was basically pounding into me. that heat felt like a knot all at once. the knot got tighter and tighter as if it were going to snap. and before i knew it kai was hitting a certain spot inside of me which drove me crazy. how could something feel so good. i felt kai’s finger on my clit as he rubbed it, he applied pressure. kai and me couldn’t stay quiet. but kissing definitely muffled our sounds.

i felt myself tighten around him, and after that i felt laid dick twitch inside of me. it took one final thrust for me to come undone. kai pulled out and i moaned one final time. kai collapsed next to me and the only noise in the room was mine and kai’s uneven and shortened breaths. i felt like i was in a daze. my body overcame with relief. i looked over at kai as he pulled the condom off and tossed it in the garbage. he looked at me and smiled. “how was it?” he asked with a smirk. “it was… so good…” i panted. “well excuse me.” he paused sitting up. “while i clean the murder scene.” he said playfully as he stood up.

he pulled his boxers up and walked out of the room. when he came back he had a towel. he climbed on the bed and i sat up bringing my knees to my chest. kai’s hand separated my legs and he cleaned my now, very sensitive heat. then he wiped off the bed. he handed me his t-shirts and a pair of his boxers with a smile. “now let me sneak you to the bathroom so you can take a piss.” he kissed my head. “thank you kai.” i said weakly. he looked at me again. “no need to thank me. i should be thanking you for giving me your card.” he joked. “shut up shit head.” i laughed as i got dressed.

#kai x reader #american horror story #evan peters #smut #kai anderson

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nerdieforpedro · 3 months

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Weekend Update 02/11/2024

Nerdie! It's the middle of the month, how are you?

Good. Nothing to complain about. Mainly relaxed and then worked Thursday and Friday. My orientee made me laugh.

Oh? How so?

She said that now that she's had some different preceptors she enjoys my balances of being a bit hands off since I know she's experienced, but still checking in during the shift to see how things are going. (Puffs out chest and also wonders if that's a good or bad thing.)

I mean, if she said it's fine, it should be fine right? Now did you do anything writing this week?

I did a bit. Not as much as I normally do. I'm gearing up for projects I have either agreed to or planned for myself.

My two fics are quite different. One was silly and sweet and the other was filth. Nerdie in a nutshell really:

Is it for the wallet of the shoebox? (Tim Rockford x plus size female reader) Tim being silly in a bookstore leads to a serious conversation and a partial photoshoot at home. Comedy and domestic fluff with slight spice.

One Pass for the both of Us (Lucian Flores x female reader x Benny Miller) You and your boyfriend Lucian have the same hall pass. All smut with sweatpants and gold chains.

Working on two things I promised people. One requested fluff and the other action and smut.

I decided to start a new series (because clearly I don't have enough - Dieter, Frankie and Tim give Nerdie a death glare) 👀 because this Pedro character was in my WIPs way before the three of you! Might even help me brainstorm…

Two Hearts by the Ocean will feature Javier Gutierrez x Abigail (plus size OFC). The vibe is sweet summer romance. Mainly fluff every Wednesday, not sure how many parts, at least five. Let me know if you'd like to be tagged for it. I have a few people in mind but if you'd like to be added, let me know. 😆

Roc & Doc and Weddings 101 with Dieter are still ongoing, no worries. Tim and Dieter have calmed. Frankie is a bit pissed still but you have the longest masterlist Fish! You don’t care…well. Okay. 🫡

I might be trying to figure out how to write Ezra. I love reading fics with the man, but his speech patterns have so many nuances to it. I've been studying @morallyinept aka Jett's Pedro Pascal Character Database that she's been compiling and her entry on Ezra from Prospect has been invaluable. It's an excellent reference for Pedro character fic writers or if you just wanna know more. She also has one specifically on Ezra’s speech patterns that I swear I’ve read at least four times.

It's me, I'm the problem. 😭 I’m either overthinking or not focusing on the right parts. Ugh…

Fics I read this week: ( I took time off work and had plenty of time to read - still didn't get to everything. 🥸)

Movie Night by @munsonownsmyass (Zach Ellison x reader)

No game at all (but I can do this) by @for-a-longlongtime (Marcus Pike x Tim Rockford - Frankie Morales floating in thots)

Wouldn't It Be Nice - Chapter one by @lady-pug (Agent Whiskey x female reader)

02 x birds - Frankie Morales x reader by @trulybetty

Mon Amour by @saturn-rings-writes (Jake Lockley x black female reader)

The Stars by @youvebeenlivingfictional (Poe Dameron x reader)

Mutual by @morallyinept (Ezra x female reader)

Dinner Party by @lavendertales (Steven Grant x fem reader)

The Mercenary and the Whore by @absurdthirst and @storiesofthefandomlovers

Comedy of Errors (MK Spring Bingo #3) by @soft-girl-musings (Steven Grant x GN reader)

03 x snowfall - Marcus Pike x reader by @trulybetty

Ambrosial by @spacecowboyhotch (Din Djarin x fem. black reader)

Half of you - part 1 and part 2 by @foxilayde (Santiago Garcia x female reader)

God Speed by @magpiepills (Tim Rockford x female reader)

Not for nothing @magpiepills (Ezra x female reader)

Perfect Fit by @lowlights (Frankie Morales x plus size reader)

To the Flame - chapter 5 by @pedroshotwifey (Dark Javier Peña x female reader)

Come back to me by @reallyrallyauthor (Poe Dameron x female reader)

If you’re not looking at @immarocketman ‘s art, then I feel sad for you. It’s beautiful 🤗 They put out a sketch of Din/Cobb this week that’s apparently going to have a fanfic written about it by @theywhowriteandknowthings

There was also an excellent head cannon about Sarah’s younger years by @clickergossip that resonated with me on Black girlhood. ☺️

That's about it until next week! 🥰

Stay hydrated and safe!

Love Nerdie 💜

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1moreoffkeyanthem · 5 months

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Oh look it’s another PastorCraigEnjoyer oneshot excerpt that no one asked for!

Anyway, style meet cute, At The End Of The Sidewalk

The sun was hardly a sliver over the hills this time of day, this time of year. The orange light over the distant mountains cast blue shadows through the branches above him, dappling the sidewalk with a magic that only early winter held. It was captivating; made him long for a childhood locked away in memories of bus stops and snowmen. But the magic had long since vanished. Snow was just an inconvenience, life was just a mundane thing you have to trudge through and hope your impact on the world didn’t end when you did.

He used to be more whimsical in his outlook on life, but where’d that ever get him? The less Kyle loved the world, the less it could bite him in the ass.

Overthinking was his lot in life. It wasn’t a lot, but it was his life. And, besides, the trip home left him more than enough time to ponder his waning youth and lament his solitude. Yeah, he was definitely feeling the seasonal melancholy.

The sidewalk where Washington Street met University Drive ended in an abrupt turn, but the post office on the corner rarely got traffic, so he tended to speed through the corner. But rounding the bend in his distracted state, apparently that wasn’t working in his favor today.

A young man was crossing the pavement, whistling and obviously of the same mindset he was; not paying attention to his surroundings.

Kyle tried to stop, but he was going too fast. “Look out!” He collided with the man, knocking him backwards and sending himself over the low wall and into the shrubbery.

The telltale *click click click* of bicycle spokes forced him to face shit head on. He just RAN INTO A GUY.

He was still headfirst in the half-bald bushes, trying to extract himself when he heard a,

“HOLY SHIT, DUDE! Are you okay?”

“I should be asking you that,” Kyle grumbled, pushing himself up and biting back a gasp when his wrist protested. Fan-fucking-tastic. “I’m the one who just mowed you down at the end of the sidewalk.”

He continued to brush stray branches and leaves off, face flaming with embarrassment, refusing to look up at the victim of his carelessness just yet. Grime and scratches were littered all over any exposed skin, and he was seriously pissed that his FAVORITE work slacks were torn at the knee now.

“Dude, you didn’t mow me down, just, like, over a little. You’re the one who went flying.”

“Yeah, well, ‘objects in motion’ and all that.”

The guy chuckled. “Ah, yes, the homie Newton.”

The homie Newton? Jesus. Kyle finally looked up with a snide remark at the ready, but it died on the tip of his tongue. He blinked. Blinked again.

So he’d just run into the hottest guy on the planet. Who was now smiling at him with concern in his endless blue eyes. Fuck, if those eyes were the ocean, Kyle was content to be adrift forever, with no horizon in sight. The seas narrowed, scanning over him.

“Seriously though, are you alright? You hit your head? You’re kinda just… staring.”

He snapped out of it. “No, no, I’m good, really.” Kyle pulled his right arm into his chest, gritting his teeth against the persistent throbbing. “Caught myself pretty well, all things considered.”

“Uh huh.” The man didn’t look convinced, raising one dark eyebrow as he crouched beside him. “That was a pretty bad wipeout, dude. I’m talking definite airtime and everything.”

Oh God. This guy was gingerly cupping Kyle’s chin in his warm hand, tilting his face up, and brushing tangled red curls away from his forehead. That was fine. Breathing was overrated anyway. So what if you were generally a little touch starved and currently being regarded ridiculously tenderly?

The man’s voice was low, soothing, but lightly teasing at the same time. “You should really be wearing a helmet.”

“Tr-trust me, next time I plan on running over people on the sidewalk, I won’t forget it at the office.”

#down bad #south park #style #sp style #fic excerpt #fic link #no one cares #but #i had fun #sp kyle #sp stan #my boys #Kenny’s in this too #oneshot #my shit #ao3 #ao3 link

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cinewhore · 11 months

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Lol so I am overthinking a lot of things right now and this website is for blogging so I am going to blog my feelings

I feel like a shit writer.

But I know I’m not a shit writer.

I have always felt that writing fanfic is important, and it helps me to write more frequently as well as express myself and connect with others. However, I just feel like I am forcing myself once again to do some thing that I don’t want to do and the reason I don’t want to do it is because I’m like what’s the point but I know what the point is obviously! I can’t tell you the amount of times I have come across my mutuals writing things and just get filled with such an envy that it makes me sad. And I just think why can’t I draw emotional responses from people? Am I not captivating enough? Am I too niche? Am I not writing surface level stuff enough because it seems like that’s the sort of stuff that gets appreciated. And I know that’s not fair to say because there is something for everyone, there’s an audience for everything I just feel like I put myself in a stupor because I am putting a lot of expectations on things and myself when there really shouldn’t be that much expectation for this creative outlet.

I don’t know if any of this makes a lick of sense, and I feel like I’m talking myself in circles, but I just want to put this out just in case my master list disappears again or i stop writing altogether.

The amount of energy that I try and put into what I post I definitely feel like could be used for other personal projects that could get me to where I want to be in life and now I am feeling like maybe I am sort of wasting my time at this moment by writing this stuff because it’s just not giving me the satisfaction but I know this speak to a bigger problem of the fucking algorithm and how terrible it is

There is absolutely no reason as to why I should be this upset or disturbed by fucking zeros and ones and “notes” that don’t really mean anything at the end of the day it’s so silly and trivial that it just pisses me off to know that this is something that upsets me, but I also want to give myself that grace because I’m upset because it means something to me.

I want to be challenged in my writing I want to love my writing, and most importantly, I want my writing to be loved by other people. I create these stories from my heart and I think I’m still learning what my role is as a storyteller and how I can better show up to that role.

This summer I thought that I would be able to relax and just write a whole lot, but I realize that relaxation for me at least is not writing this. This is definitely a period of rest, which means doing absolutely literally nothing, and because I was raised in the sort of grind culture, and the fact that I have to take care of myself, I always feel like I need to be producing something and I can’t just sit around and not do anything because that means I’m wasting time and time is something that we don’t really know how much we have of.

Blessings if you read this far again it’s 1 AM and I don’t know if any of this will make sense when I wake up but I know this is what I feel and I am still trying to figure out what those feelings are trying to tell me because feelings are there to tell you what you need and not who you are so I know I’m not a bad writer. I know all of these nasty things that my brain is telling me is not true. I am just trying really hard to figure out what it is my brain is telling me that I need.

#how many times have i posted something like this 😭#i know y’all are like my god girl get a grip!#please know that I’m trying #i am just confusion #now that’s what i call blogging

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gaytaccoo · 1 year

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Pope x F!Reader

Pope overthinks about a situation and Margo helps him out (its probably a little long)

“You’re slacking Margo.” Heyward said, giving her a little nudge. She jumped at the nudge. She was up all night at the Chateau with John B and JJ. “I’m working, I promise. Not a slacker.” she said getting a crate and carrying it to the boat. “But I’m going inside. My dad and sister should be here in a bit.” she said walking back. “No slacking next time!” Heyward called back. “Got it!” Margo said walking inside. She plopped down on the couch. Heavy steps were heard from upstairs. “Pope?” she called. “Is that you?” The footsteps stopped and there was no answer. Margo got up from the couch and made her way upstairs to Pope’s room. The door was closed and there was no sound coming from behind it. She knocked on the door lightly. “Pope?” she called. “Is it okay if I come in?” She tried the door but it was locked. “Are you okay in there?” There was still no answer, “If you won’t let me in I’ll let myself in.” Still no response. “I’m coming in.” Margo took a bobby pin from her pocket and put it to the lock, twisting and turning. When it unlocked and she opened the door there Pope was standing before her. “Is everything okay? You look pissed.” Pope turned and walked to his bed. “Why are you here?” he asked. “Today’s my work day. I thought you knew that.” Margo said, following him in and closing the door behind her. “Shit.” Pope mumbled to himself. “You still haven’t answered my question.”

“Can you just go? I’m not in the mood for your shit right now.” he said in a slightly loud tone. “What shit are you talking about?” Margo asked, taking a step back. “Just go, please.” Pope said, pointing to the door avoiding eye contact with her. “I’m not going until I figure out what the hell is wrong with you.” Margo said, putting his hand down. “Look at me, Pope.” She turned his face to hers. “What’s wrong?” Pope took a seat on his bed and Margo followed. “You were with John B and JJ last night..” he said. “Yeah, I told you I was.”

“I was gonna drop by to give you your jacket that you had left over here..and when I got to the door, I heard noises.” Pope paused and took a breath. “Are you fucking JJ and John B?” Pope blurted, turning to Margo. “Pope, no. What the fuck? The noises you heard weren’t me, it was some chick that JJ had over.” She said getting up. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just panicked and left. Rumors were already going around that you three had something going on.” Margo took a deep breath and stepped towards Pope squatting down so she could look at him. “I’d never do that or let anyone do that to me. And those are just rumors. They aren’t true.” Pope looked at her with guilt in his eyes. “I don’t sound like that anyways those moans were exaggerated as fuck.” Margo said getting up and sitting next to him again. Pope laughed a little. “I can show you though.” she suggested.

Pope just looked at her. “I see that was a bad idea, I’ll let you cool off.” MArgo patted his shoulder and got up to walk away. When she did pope quickly pulled her back into a kiss. He positioned her on top of him as they continued the kiss. Before they could get carried away, the door opened with John B, JJ and Kie stepping inside stopping in their tracks when they saw Pope and Margo. “We were gonna talk it out but it seems you two have it handled already.” JJ said, stepping back pushing the others out. “JJ.” Pope called. “Yeah?”

Can you lock the door?” he asked. “Oh, yeah sure I’ll lock it. Don’t want anyone disturbing whatever y'all got going on.” JJ said locking the door and closing it. Pope and Margo looked back to each other. They smiled as they continued and noises later filled the room.

#pope x reader

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soil-just-needs-water-to-be · 9 months

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Word counts : 1328

No warning for this really

Also I’m sorry this is so bad , I just needed a filler and wanted a small snippet and G and Hann then some sibling love , so this is just really random

BUT HOPEFULLY THERES ONE MORE CHAPTER LEFT THEN THE BOYS WILL BE TOGETHER I KNOW THATS WHAT EVERYONE HAS BEEN WAITING FOR

"When can I come see you?", We'd come off of the call a few hours ago as my dad had come home, we'd kept in contact all day though because I didn't want to leave him. I know he's been sat with his mum and brother since and he seems to be doing alright. He told me they all made dinner together and that he'd actually eaten something which is also really good.

Matty: Darlin, you can come whenever you'd like, when do your holidays start ?

I'm currently sat basically hanging out of my window with a joint in my hands, feeling like I just want to hold him. I've been thinking about it since he told me earlier and the more I think about it the more I just need to be there. I've given myself a headache thinking about it which is quite funny really. The joint is helping calm my nerves a little

George : I'm sure they start next week but you've got exams for the next month, I don't want to distract you?

I hate the feelings that I'm having right now, I've never really been a clingy person. When I'm with people I know then maybe I am , but just maybe. With Matty everything is different I don't quite understand what that means. I was never this clingy with Laura and we dated for so long. It makes my head swim, why is this so different to everything I've ever experienced before. Maybe this is what other people feel when there in love, you know how they describe it in this corny romance movies. This is maybe how Adam feel with Carly. I should ask him.

I pull up Adam's contact and press the call button waiting fidgeting with my lighter while I wait for him to pick up

Adam: Hiya G , you alright ?

George: Alright Hann, yeh I'm alright, I just really need to talk to you about something

Adam: What's up G?

George : I need to ask you something but promise you won't take the piss okay?

Adam: When do I ever?

George: Never, but like I'd understand if you did with what I'm about to ask you

Adam: Just ask me G

George: Alright fine , you know before you got with Carlz how did you feel , like how did you know you liked her.

Adam: I don't know , I just liked her didn't I , like she was just always around and she made me happy I suppose

George: Did you ever feel like you wanted to be with her like all the time and just like I don't know , like feel emotional when she was upset or something even though wasn't your place too.

Adam: G I love you bro but I really don't know what your getting at, what are you trying to ask me?

George: Arghhh fuck

I wrack my hands through my hair and my nails scrape against my skull as I lightly pull on my roots like I'm trying to pull my thoughts from my brain

George: I'm just trying to understand what's going on in my head, I really really like Matty and I feel like I'm being so clingy and annoying and too much but ....I don't know if it's because I'm overthinking it because I like him or if it's because I just wish I could help him.

Adam: Why is being clingy a bad thing , and why is wanting to help him a bad thing?

George : I just don't want to be too much Ad !

Adam: Has the lad said your being too much ? Cuz if he hasn't then I'm sure everything is fine

George: No he hasn't said anything about being annoyed at me or anything but ....that doesn't mean he isn't , I just really like him ..... and like what if I get to much and when he's upset or something and it messes things up.

Adam: G, please trust me on this , I'm sure your doing an amazing job, okay!?

George: I'm trying to trust you, my heads just all over the place right now Hann, that's all

Adam: Give yourself a break man !,

George : I'll really try , but uh yeh I'm just gunna go now I've got stuff to do and gotta look after Gracey and Lucie , Thanks man , I know I'm being difficult but thank you!!

Adam: It's alright G , love ya man

“Geor !!!!!” Little Gracie came barging into my room just as I was finishing the call with Adam “there’s a spider in the bathroom Geo, fix it !!!”, I then say a quick goodbye to Adam again before hanging up and pick Gracey up holding her on my waist “there’s a Spider , is there ?”

“Yeh it’s so big, it’s like this big”, she indicates the size by stretching her arms out.

“Wow that is gigantic ay?” , I can just see her nodding with her little blonde ringlets bouncing. And she’s clinging to me as we make our way to the bathroom. “Can you show me where it is Gracey?”

“No no no , I don’t want to see it again, it’s just in there”, I let Gracey climb down from me as she stands at the bathroom door pointing at where she saw the creature “right there Geo”

After finding the perpetrator and setting it free outside obviously because you can’t kill it , no matter how scared you are of the things you can’t kill them according to little Gracey “it’s just mean to kill them” , even though she didn’t want to see it skittering around she had to check the tissue in my hand for evidence that I “hadn’t crushed it with my tree trunk hands”

Lucie had joined us at this point coming to see what all the commotion was about “what are you guys up too” , stood at the front door, homework in hand , looking like the proper little Miss that she is. “Is that a Spider ?”

“Yeah, Gracey was scared so I’m just setting it free”

“Why are you scared of it Gracey , it’s just an insect , even though your just little you’re bigger than it is so you would be more scary to it then you are if it?”

“When did you get so smart ay, your both so grown up , when did that happen”

“I’m 7 George , I’m a big girl now , but Gracey is only 5 she’s not a grown up yet”, Lucie is genuinely so grown up and would literally do everything by herself if she could , so grown up , short brown hair that used to be likely Graceys blonde ringlets. Blue eyes which is weird because we all have brown eyes. Shes even quite tall for her age, nearly tallest in her class. She’s so independent, knows so much about everything and anything. Where as Gracey just a little bundle of clingy and joyous giggles ; she looks up to me big time not the blow my own whistle but she wants to be just like me. There both so damn intelligent though.

“That’s very true Luce , let’s get back inside yeh , Gracey you can watch TV and I’m going to help Luce with her homework okay?”

“Oki Geo”

“George I don’t need help, it’s just reading”

I hurdle them back inside after closing the door, I set up CBeebies up on the TV for Gracey and pull Lucie up in my lap as we sit down, she does thrash around a little trying to get me off her but she settles “I know it’s just reading Luce, but I want to see how good you can read it can you do that for me?”

“You know I can George”

#matty healy #george daniel #adam hann #ross macdonald #the 1975 fanfic #gatty #the 1975 fic

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graftisms · 1 year

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BEACH HUT CONFESSIONALS 09: CALLIE MICHAELS DAY THIRTY-ONE ( CASA DAY 4 )

what are you most looking forward to about reuniting with the other villa ? what are you dreading the most ?

“ dylan. ” she says her brother’s name as a mix between a sigh and a laugh, shaking her head. “ i was honestly a little excited to see what it’d be like to have a love island experience without him, but it’s been pretty shit, i won’t lie. granted, most of that is because of the naomi stuff. i don’t know what he’s doing in casa, but i hope he’s cracking on like the postcard made it seem. bash, too, especially knowing everything about rhys and seb. but... saying i’m dreading seeing frankie feels like an understatement. ” she tries to laugh this off too, but it comes out stale. “ i’m aware i’m probably overthinking it, building it up to be more than it will be. i hope i am, really. but despite how much everyone loves to point out how we weren’t together very long, i do think i know frankie well, and i know how she’s gonna be about this. she’s gonna try to downplay the naomi shit, try to immediately steer away from any hostility, maybe want to continue to get to know me and that bloke she’s bringing back. she’ll want her cake and to eat it, too. and i think that’s the hardest part, because as much as i keep saying i don’t know how our conversation’s going to go, i think it’ll be like that. and it’s really, really going to piss me off. ” and, you know, be a giant blow to her heart.

if you were to stick, why would you ?

“ at this point, the biggest reason to stick doesn’t have to do with choosing frankie over anyone. i’m not going back to the villa alone just for anyone to string me along. it’d be more... well, like i said, i’m really dreading seeing frankie again. and as much as i think i know what’s gonna happen, i can’t entirely grasp how it’ll affect me ? i’ve been through this shit before. my last relationship was with someone who also wanted to fuck me and also fuck other people, but by then i was in too deep. it’s obviously not the same thing now, considering it’s been days and not years of it, but it’s all a bit too real for me, i guess. ” rolling her eyes, she wipes away a quick tear with her thumb, trying to ignore its existence. “ so really, it’d be to for the sake of not dragging anyone into my shit, especially when for all i know, frankie would be coming out single and wanting to all eggs me. i wouldn’t just roll over and allow that, obviously, but... ” she trails off, not wanting to go there.

why would you consider switching ? who would you bring back ?

“ if i switched, it’d be purely because of angel. ” a smile tugs at her lips. “ i do really like him. i feel like i need to defend myself about it, considering how turned off i was about getting to know other people before everything went down, but i think i’m also just surprised how easily things have fallen into place with him. i’m trying to be a little more conscious of not jumping into anything after frankie, but we’ve just been talking a lot, and in some way i feel like i’ve shared more with him about myself than i have anyone else, in my weeks of being here. i do think there’s something there, but i’m just nervous that it’s going to get harder before it gets easier, with the whole frankie thing. and... i think i’m a little nervous too, about bringing him back and suddenly he wants to explore other relationships. i know it’s the point of the show or whatever, and it’s selfish, but i do want someone who is only really interested in me, just like i’m only interested in them. i know that’s what we have right now, but you never know, i guess. ”

if none of the bombshells could come back, who would you miss most ?

“ i’d miss charlene the most, definitely. things feel a little more settled with her after we both apologized, and while i still do feel a little bad... well, apparently she’s moved onto someone else now. ” callie smirks a bit, more amused than anything else. “ stella too, i really like her. i don’t know if she has a chance at coming back unfortunately, but i do think she deserves more of a chance. zeke, too. ” a pause. “ and yeah, if angel doesn’t end up being brought back, i’d really miss him. although watch naomi bring him back anyway, ” she snorts.

what are you feeling about the decisions of the other islanders ? who do you think has made the best connection ?

“ i think i’m most interested in seeing what naomi does, really. i know her and charlene kissed last night, but she’s coming back to not one but two guys... ” callie makes a face. “ i told naomi that dylan will always come first, and i mean it. but honestly ? i hope they break up. like, i hope dylan found some crazy nice girl who will put him first, he brings her back, and naomi can sort out her shit with josh. i love her, but i want dylan as far away from that drama as possible at this point. but otherwise, i think romi and dante will be coming back together, which is... nice. ” she’s picking her words a bit more carefully. “ romi needs a nice bloke, and she has it with dante way more than she did with jude. i’m rooting for them, really. but i also think it’s going to be hard for her coming back with whatever girl marcus brings back, and i don’t blame her. jenny and jude are probably coming back together too, which... would be nice for angel’s sake. ” she won’t dignify it with any other response. “ really, i think the best connection from casa is rhys and seb, ” callie laughs. “ i feel really bad for bash, but i do hope rhys and seb get to couple up sooner rather than later. ”

#callie ; prompt #crackon:prompt #this is slightly unhinged but hopefully it makes sense <3 #shes going through it just a lil

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yoori-ya · 1 year

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30 before 30

I was waiting to writing something like this on my 30th, but there's only a week-and-a-half separating me from my birthday. It's not like once the clock strikes midnight on Dec 2, a third eye is going to open up on my forehead. Will 30 be so different from 29? Rationally, I know probably not, but I can't help feeling as if I'm approaching a threshold.

Maybe because 30 is a such a round number. A decade is neat bundle of ten years to tie up and pack away.

D told me this summer, out of nowhere, "Man, you really did your twenties right."

Did I? I feel like I spent the first half stumbling around in the dark, my internal-monologue really just a constant, existential scream as I scrambled for some sort of handhold. There was no official manual lowered down on a golden rope, but I was lucky enough to fall in with older friends who brought me under their wing. Honestly, most of the advice they gave me only recently started sticking. Back then, I still took some steep stumbles despite their best efforts, but I felt as if I at least had some direction--ideas to strive towards, heroes to put on pedestals. As I’ve gotten closer, the plaster has cracked off, and I’ve come to see the people beneath, but that's more a of a testament to how far I’ve come.

Back then most of my angst was rooted in wondering who it was. If you asked me who I am these days, I probably still wouldn't know how to answer, but the difference is that it doesn't cause me much grief. I'm comfortable with not being able to fit in a clearly labeled box. I'm okay that Sometimes-Shy-Sometimes-Outgoing-but-Usually-Hotheaded-Loudmouthed-Impulsive-Overthinking-Anime-Nerd-Who-Likes-to-Drink doesn't exactly describe me, and that no amount of words and hyphens may ever be enough to. I'm okay with it, just like I'm okay with knowing that when I look up at the night sky, I'll never be able to name every star laid out above me. It's nice enough that it's all there. I'm okay with it because I know no matter how other people perceive me, label me, view me, I not only know what's important, I have it in me to protect it.

Experience can be a brutal teacher, but it's thorough, and I've learned again and again the bitterness of quietly ceding bits of myself so that I can be written into someone else's story. People, I have learned, can be selfish. People, I have learned, will want me to behave to fit whatever script they have written for me. People, I have learned, can get upset when I refuse to play the role. I have also learned, however, that I can survive the heat of their anger. When I was younger, my father taught me to anger someone was the end of the world. B was a little shitstain on humanity's underpants, but he did help me to unlearn that terrible lesson, taught me how to find my voice, how to stand up for myself and my own story.

The existential scream is ongoing, but these days it's less about who I am and more about what I want out of life. Where is it that I want to turn my rudder towards? Where is my story? I feel like I’ve kept my sights fixed on one point because I was told to, and only now am I starting to understand how broad the horizon really is.

A gets pissed every time I bring up the fact that we’re practically thirty. "I feel like we haven’t accomplished anything," she says whenever I asked her why she's pissed. I stay quiet and just slowly nod my head because I can’t agree. I’m not sitting in that corner office J and I always joked about, I still haven’t written that book, but I remember how all I wanted ten years ago was for the world to slow and be little kinder. The world has done neither, but the fact that I can walk a little more sure-footed down life's often bumpy terrain still feels big.

People always talk about how they’d do their twenties differently if given a chance. That’s impossible, but I think standing at the base of my thirties outfitted with all the tools I’ve picked up in the last decade is the next best thing. So maybe D was right, maybe I really did do my twenties right.

Somehow, between the beginnings of this entry and its end, a bottle of wine has been imbibed. Thanks for always chronicling me, little blog.

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cornballl · 2 years

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Ghost

Gintoki angst kinda, this is mostly me venting. Tried to make it more in character for him by the end of it. I don’t really know what this is?

tw: drinking, vomit, dissociation.

word count: 1.2k

Life hasn’t been easy lately. It’s certainly no walk in the park any other time, but it hasn’t been easy lately. Gintoki sat alone in Yorozuya, feet propped up like any ordinary day, but it hasn’t felt like an ordinary day in a while.

The distractions and redirection haven't been working. His mindscape was like being trapped in a padded room with only a mirror; self-reflection is inevitable no matter all the thrashing, screaming, and fruitless attempts to escape. He was all alone in his own home; the bustling streets sounded more distant than usual, and the monotony of life wasn’t good enough white noise anymore.

The peaceful blue sky, the personal conversations, the not-so personal confrontation between vendor and asshole pissing off said vendor- the metaphorical music to Gin’s ears fell silent. It really was just him in his home.

It was unbearable.

“I need to get out.”

It was beautiful outside, it’s no surprise why Kagura and Shinpachi aren’t home. Everyone went about their life as usual. Everyone’s mere existence is the fruit of their hard work and tenacity. Kabukicho is more than an average societal machine: everyone knows everyone and they’ve all stood together during frightening, bleak times. Bloodshed, chaos, destruction, no one was really a stranger to it here. Yet they all stood here today. “…Why does it feel like I’m not even here right now?” He kept walking with his arm slung in his kimono, never breaking his stride. “I just gotta keep going.” He tried to blend in with the crowd, but he swore he was just phasing through everyone.

His stride turned into sauntering gradually. Literally stumbling through life, though he wouldn’t acknowledge it. All of the feigned attempts of distraction are starting to fail, but he kept going. “Nothing gets done if you just idle. Sometimes you have to keep moving to get by, no matter what it takes.” He stood in front of a bar, one of many on this shitty strip. It was going to be a long night.

He made one stop,

And another,

And another.

Although life hasn’t been easy, this was a walk in the park. The silver samurai rubbed his stomach content, warmth sloshing around as he swayed. “HEY! ‘Nother bottle, please!” He shook around the pitiful amount of alcohol left in his bottle beckoning the bartender. “I’m cutting you off. Leave.” The man pointed at the clock on the wall and walked off to the other end of the bar. He squinted and barely registered its hands. “S’only 1 AM? I have another hour.” Opting for his long-abandoned glass, he held it out instead hoping for a different outcome. “Find another place to serve you, I don’t prey on people like you.” Gintoki took that personally, unable to understand what he meant by being preyed on. “Who’re you lookin’ down on, hm? M’not some victim. I don’t need your help or concern. I can take care of myself.” His body moved on its own and grabbed his blade, pointing it at the guy for emphasis. “Then do us both a favor and take care of yourself elsewhere.” He withdrew his sword and put it away, turning his back on the asshole that wouldn’t serve him. He didn’t say a word, he just moved on to the next place.

It was 3 AM now, and no one was serving alcohol anymore. He was absolutely trashed, stumbling home finally feeling less out of place with no one around and no capability to overthink the fact. Nothing to remind him how out of place he’s felt for the last few weeks, today in particular. Just another drunk walk home. Here comes the fun part of having to walk up the stairs up to Yorozuya again. One clumsy foot after the other, he fought against the intoxication and landed in front of the door… that wouldn’t budge. The fun started to go away when a simple struggle didn’t work either. “Not right now. I just wanna go t’sleep.” Struggle turned into aggravation. He finally got the door open and crossed the threshold faster than he could’ve asked for, so fast he collapsed before he even knew it.

“God damn it…” he pathetically flapped his feet around, kicking his boots off like a large child. “Almost there.” He crawled to his room, the fall exacerbating his dizziness. He only made it to the middle of the living room though, opting for the couch instead.

He was back where he started, just him in his home. He closed his eyes, waiting to be swept away into a long slumber. It was so quiet now. All he could hear was his long breaths and his clothes occasionally rustling as he tossed and turned. He was getting desperate, the nausea was setting in. “Already hungover?” He lied to himself.

He’s in the kitchen now, clutching onto the sink and peering into the mirror. His stomach started to feel heavy and uneasy; looking deep into his eyes, those lifeless eyes, he knew why he was about to be sick. His heart started to race, digging his nails into the metal as hard as he could. He fixed as hard as he could where his face would be, but he really couldn’t see himself.

When did I become a ghost?

He couldn’t hold back the catharsis that was to come, the vomit was just the beginning. It just kept coming out, draining his strength each time he heaved.

What had it all been for? The countless years of colliding headfirst through all his problems felt for naught, all on one beautiful day, alone in his home. Alone with himself. There was nothing to pummel and destroy nor an imminent threat to those around him- nothing to fight for, to live for.

He’s sacrificed so much to be where he is today, but he’s unable to even see himself in a mirror. He fought and lost so much to be a husk of who he was, a ghost wandering through a relatively peaceful world he cultivated.

He didn’t have anything to say to fill the silence this time, no last words for the emotions that let themselves in. He turned on the sink and washed it all away. He cleaned his mess and walked to his room.

His thoughts were running loose now that the dam broke down. What was it all for? All these lessons I preach and I can’t get through a bad day without drinking? My house doesn’t feel like a home, my town doesn’t either. I don’t know how I ended up here. Seriously, when did I become a ghost?

He shot up and shook his head, looking at his shaking hands. “I’m here, but have I really been? I’ve been holding this all back for a while now, when was the last time I really felt real?” He touched his damp hair, sweaty even before this whirlwind hit him. Walking to his window, he slid it open and stuck his messy head out for some fresh air. The rush from earlier was starting to dissipate; the alcohol was starting to make his limbs feel like lead. “Maybe now I’ll be able to sleep.”

He shrugged off his kimono as he plucked his pajamas off of the floor. Though none of this was pleasant, the exhaustion of it all was finally setting in. His mind was finally slowing down. He crawled into bed, now feeling nauseated from his pending hangover. When he closed his eyes this time, he couldn’t help but laugh. “Here I am again.” He felt the slightest hope thinking about how he ended up in his bed, in his pajamas despite it all.

Life hasn’t been easy, but today reminded him of what it meant to live.

#sakata gintoki #tw alcohol #tw vomiting #tw dissociation #chu #I’m okay it’s just a bad bp episode

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