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jebewonmorelike · 11 months

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Dark Blue On You

wc: 7k (HAHAHA WHAT) pronouns: none used; n/a warnings: swearing, angsty with a happy ending but its funny/fluffy too, mentions of others drinking, mentions of hooking up; think pg-13 for this one; also taerae in that suit should be a warning in and of itself warnings for spicy cut scene: MINORS DNI!!!-- mature/suggestive/smut themes-- MINORS SKIP THIS CUT SCENE AND CONTINUE READING BELOW IT!!! (fic makes perfect sense without it) linked here and linked in fic for correct placement in story summary: bestfriend!reader is so excited when the star of the soccer team finally asks them to prom. but when losercore!taerae asks his lab partner to prom out of the blue, reader's sudden jealousy takes them by surprise... basically the prom-themed best friends to lovers of your dreams, okay? okay :) ~masterlist~ ♡ ~kofi (no pressure at all)~ GUYS! HI! it's been so long. i missed you! this was 7,000 words (plus the cut scene) so i'm sorry but that's why it took so long. was also feeling a bit rundown in terms of writing so i really needed to pace myself. but i saw those pictures of taerae in that suit and i swear to god i'm a different person now, so this is the fic you get from that brainrot. also not sure if the suit was actually blue, but that's how it looked in the pics so i ran with it. SO many fun things happening in the zb1 world in the past few days! let me know what you think of this one :) love you sm

“If you steal one more of my sweet potato fries (Y/N), I swear I’m gonna--.”

You pop the orange-colored french fry into your mouth, grinning at Taerae smugly. “You’re gonna what?”

Eyes narrowed at you through dorky, wire-framed glasses, your best friend pouts annoyedly. “One day you’ll fear my wrath.”

“Wouldn’t count on it,” you respond with a giggle. Despite his angry demeanor, Taerae turns his lunch tray so that the sweet potato fries are now facing you-- giving you easier access to one of your favorite snacks.

“You could just go back up and get your own, you know,” he persists with his performance even as he squeezes more ketchup onto his tray for you to dip the fries in. “What would you do without me?”

“Sarcastic answer: finally achieve a peaceful existence,” you joke, popping another fry into your mouth. “Serious answer... I’d be lost without you.”

You watch as Taerae’s glasses fog up a bit; the way they always did when he received a compliment or you were being a bit too sincere with him. He takes them off quickly, clearing his throat as he wipes the lenses with the hem of his polo shirt.

A pile of books slam down onto your lunch table as your friend Dohyun plops onto the bench beside you. “(Y/N)! Just the person I wanted to talk to.”

“Do you ever talk to anyone else?” You quip, earning a glare from the skinny boy.

“I talk to Taerae hyung, too,” he mumbles. You glance at your best friend, noticing how quiet he’s gotten all of a sudden. “And I like him better than you anyway.”

You shrug. “That makes two of us.”

“What I was going to ask you is,” Dohyun starts; pulling out his lunchbox from his backpack and opening it up. “Has Ryan asked you to prom yet?”

Taerae audibly gulps from across the table. You frown at him, wondering why he’s acting so weird.

“No,” you answer softly. “He hasn’t. And I definitely don’t think he’s going to anymore.”

“I don’t know what you saw in Ryan anyway,” Dohyun says, shaking his head disapprovingly. “He only wanted one thing from you.”

Taerae chokes on his apple juice suddenly and you take the carton from his hand-- placing it back on the table pointedly as he coughs into his elbow.

“That’s enough, Dohyun,” you scold. “And for the record, I’m as pure as the day you met me.”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” the younger boy laughs. “So… Are you gonna go to prom alone, or?”

“I don’t know,” you sigh. “I already bought my outfit. I had it altered to fit perfectly, so I don’t really think I can return it at this point.”

“I’m sorry, (Y/N),” Taerae says finally. “I know you were really looking forward to going with Ryan. He’s gonna regret not asking you. But um...”

Your brow furrows as you wait for Taerae to continue his sentence. He’s looking at you kind of funny now-- eyes wide and anxious.

“Well, if you already have an outfit and stuff, I was thinking that... Um...” You watch curiously as he bends over to his side and begins shuffling through his backpack. “Fuck, where is it?”

“Hey, (Y/N)!” Someone suddenly calls behind you. Your head whips around to find Ryan walking towards your lunch table, his signature charming smirk on his lips. He’s carrying a duffel bag over his shoulder for soccer practice as he lands in front of you.

“Hi Ryan,” you greet sweetly, brain turning to mush. You’d first met the star of the soccer team officially when your Math teacher assigned you to tutor him a few months ago. He’d been in serious jeopardy of being kicked off the team for his failing grades, but with an hour of tutoring every other day, you’d helped him climb back up to a solid C+. The afternoon he received his first unit test grade since you’d started tutoring him, he had been thrilled to see B- circled in red at the top of the page...

So thrilled, in fact, that he’d kissed you at your back corner table in the library.

And he’d kept kissing you. For the rest of that tutoring session... And then the one after that... And the one after that... And the one after that until your meetings had become more of a hybrid tutoring-and-make-out session.

That had been the extent of your “relationship” though. He was always busy with soccer and his meathead friends and ogling popular girls at the library tables next to you when your faces weren’t connected.

But he was the first boy to ever pay attention to you like this-- and he was so handsome to boot. The attention and the fantasy muddied every intelligent and rational thought in your brain. Even if you were being used, you weren’t really ready for it to stop.

One day as you were approaching the library, you stopped in your tracks as you heard Ryan’s voice around the corner. He was talking to one of his jock friends and you held your breath as you attempted to hear their conversation.

“All of the cheerleaders already have dates, dude,” Ryan’s friend relays. “Why did you wait so long?”

Ryan was silent for a moment before responding, “Even Steph?”

“Even Steph,” his friend confirmed. “Injun asked her yesterday.”

“Damnit.”

“Well, you’ve gotta go with somebody,” his friend urged. “Tyler’s parents are letting us use their lake house for the after party, so... Who’re you gonna ask!?”

“I’ll... I’ll find somebody,” Ryan responded and you heard the door to the library begin to squeak open.

“Hopefully somebody that’s gonna put out,” his friend joked and Ryan laughed along.

It was from that moment that you’d gotten it in your head that there was a chance that Ryan might ask you to prom. You’d gone shopping with your mom to pick out the perfect outfit, booked an appointment to get your hair styled for the occasion, and called a florist to purchase a boutonniere to pin on Ryan’s suit that matched your outfit.

As you’d doodled your name next to Ryan’s in your journal and decorated it with hearts one evening last week, your best friend Taerae laid on your bed-- legs dangling off the side as he strummed his guitar.

“(Y/N)...” He sang suddenly in an improvised melody. “Put down your pen... It’s getting annoying... So please tell me when...”

You turned around and glared at him, but he continued.

“You’ll stop your obsession... With that asshole named Ryan... He hasn’t even asked you to prom yet, what if he doesn’t ask you, your heart is gonna break and I’m gonna have to pick up the pieces and glue them all together again and--.”

“None of that rhymed.”

“Lyrics don’t have to rhyme for them to hold meaning,” Taerae responded, arms flopping onto the bed in a T-position dramatically. “I’m worried about you. I think this guy might be taking advantage of you.”

“At least someone wants to,” you joked, but the levity didn’t quite reach your voice. Taerae sat up abruptly; eyes fixing on you for a long moment. Finally, he sighed and pulled his guitar strap over his head-- placing the instrument beside him.

“A lot of people want to take advantage of you, (Y/N).”

Your jaw dropped as you watched Taerae realize what he just said. He’d already begun shaking his head and waving his arms about profusely by the time a smile crept onto your face.

“NOT WHAT I MEANT!” He shouted frantically and the sheer panic on his face was enough to make you burst out laughing. At the sound of your laughter, Taerae couldn’t help but grin and the appearance of his deep dimples was admittedly comforting to you. “You already knew that’s not what I meant but... I’m just trying to tell you he’s not the only guy that likes you.”

Your brow furrowed curiously. “Who else likes me?”

“Oh, uh,” Taerae stuttered nervously, averting your gaze. “Lots of guys. Other guys. Girls, too, probably. And nonbinary folk, I’m sure.”

You nodded, unconvinced. “Well all of those other people are gonna have to fight Ryan for my attention, I guess.”

Taerae gulped. “Right.”

“Now shut up, loser,” you said, spinning back around in your desk chair. “I’m trying to name me and Ryan’s fourth child.”

Now as Ryan stands in front of you, he glances at your only two friends that are also sitting at your lunch table. “Hey nerds.”

Taerae mumbles something under his breath but you aren’t paying him any attention.

“I’ll pick you up at 7, yeah?” Ryan asks suddenly, nodding at you.

Your lips part slightly in confusion. “What?”

“Tomorrow,” he responds brusquely. “Prom.”

“You--... We--... Us? Prom?” You know that gibberish is falling out of your mouth, but your ability to form a coherent sentence has flown out the window.

Ryan gives you an impatient smile. Of course he has every right to be impatient, you think. I can’t even speak well enough to answer his question. “Yeah. Text me your address.”

“We were actually gonna take photos at (Y/N)’s house beforehand,” Dohyun interjects.

Ryan frowns. “Oh. Yeah, okay. I can do that.”

“Really? That’s so nice of you; you don’t have to if you don’t want to!” You say quickly, grinning up at the tall boy.

“Nah, that’s cool. I’ll be there. See you then,” Ryan says with a smile before taking off towards the other end of the cafeteria. His smile is enough to burst your heart-- but lucky for you (and your poor friends), you’re able to muster up enough strength to keep living.

Instead, you merely scream; keeping your mouth closed to muffle the sound. When you finally return to the world around you, you suddenly notice how silent your friends are.

“What?” You ask, frowning at Dohyun. “Why aren’t you guys excited?”

You turn to Taerae, who is holding a large piece of folded up paper in his hands. “What’s that?”

Snatching it from his hands, Taerae immediately lunges across the table in a panic to grab it back from you. Dohyun also swoops in to steal the paper, but both of their efforts are in vain as you swivel around to face the opposite direction and open what appears to be a poster.

🌸🌺🌸 Will you go to prom with me? 🌸🌺🌸

“OH MY GOD!” You squeal, whipping back around to face your best friend. He rips the poster from your hands and begins folding it back up, cheeks turning red. “You’re asking someone to prom!? WHO!?”

“Oh thank god: you’re an idiot,” Dohyun mumbles, sinking back into his seat.

Your brow furrows confusedly. “Huh?”

“Nothing,” Taerae answers quickly. “No one said anything.”

“Taerae, if you don’t tell me who you’re asking to prom right now, I swear I’m gonna--.”

“MOLLY!” He shouts suddenly, eyes wide as he stares over your shoulder. You turn around to follow his gaze, spotting Taerae’s lab partner, Molly, a few tables behind you. She smiles when she hears Taerae call her name, getting up from her seat and walking over to your table.

“Hi Taerae,” she greets cheerfully, curly short hair bouncing with every step. The very smart, but sometimes obnoxious girl is blinking at your best friend nervously... Holy shit. Had Molly had a crush on Taerae this whole time and you hadn’t noticed?

More importantly... Had Taerae had a crush on her?

“Hi Molly, um... I was wondering,” he starts; his delivery of this promposal a little unprepared. That’s weird, you think. If Taerae was gonna ask someone out, I’m sure he would’ve rehearsed it in the mirror until he lost his voice…

“Dude,” Dohyun interrupts suddenly, eyes wide as he looks at Taerae.

Taerae just ignores him, clearing his throat and starting again; unfolding his poster onto the table once more. “I was wondering, actually, if you’d maybe like to possibly-- and no pressure or anything, maybe someone’s already asked you, but...”

“OH MY GOD! Of course I’ll go to prom with you,” Molly exclaims, throwing her arms around Taerae. You watch as he freezes, never one for accepting public affection from anyone he didn’t know well...

From anyone except you.

You frown at the bizarrely jealous thought. Taerae obviously liked this girl. Just last week, he’d been complaining about her chewing too loud in the computer lab, but maybe he was just trying to cover up his real feelings. Taerae deserved to be happy.

Any boy that would make a whole poster just to ask someone to prom deserved to be happy. You sigh as you study the poster in front of you. I wish Ryan had made me a poster...

As Taerae starts to fold it back up, you notice some surrounding doodles that you had been too distracted to see before. All around the border of the poster are what appear to be light pink Royal Azaleas.

Your favorite flower.

Had Taerae really used your favorite flower to decorate his promposal for someone else? How could he?

“Stop it!” You say out loud, earning a weird look from all three of the people surrounding you. You smile awkwardly, trying to laugh off your unintentional angry outburst at your own thoughts. “I mean... Stop being so cute you guys!”

Molly grins. “Text me where to meet you tomorrow! I can’t wait.”

Taerae nods quickly as Molly skips back to her own lunch table. As soon as she’s gone, he lets out a huge sigh and you hear the clamoring of his glasses as his head falls to the table.

“But this is amazing, Tae,” you say, staring at the top of Taerae’s head as his forehead rests on the surface of the lunch table. He lifts up for a second, folding his arms and laying his right cheek back down on top of them. His hair falls messily in his eyes, unkempt and fluffy as it usually is. But the sudden urge to brush it out of his face takes you by surprise. “I didn’t know you were going to ask Molly to prom today.”

Dohyun snorts from beside you, now totally engrossed in the game he’s playing on his phone:

“Neither did he.”

~~~

“(Y/N), come down here! We need to take pictures before you leave,” your mother calls from downstairs. “We’re gonna head outside so please hurry up and join us!”

You’re staring at yourself in the mirror, anxiety building. Nearly everything about your appearance for tonight is perfect-- your hair, your skin, your outfit; even your shoes. Your friends and family are in your front yard waiting for you.

But all you can think about is how Ryan hasn’t shown up yet.

You’d texted him your address. Told him what time to come over. And now he’s already thirty minutes late. You’d have to leave soon to get to the school on time.

“Where is he?” You whisper to yourself, grabbing your phone from your bed and checking your notifications again. Nothing.

“(Y/N), if you don’t get your ass down here right now!” The voice that’s calling you now is Taerae’s. His threat is angry enough that it makes you move-- opening the door to your room and walking to the top of the stairs.

Taerae is furiously typing on his phone as you make your way down the stairs, his back turned to you. He’s wearing a dark blue suit-- slim-fitting and tailored to him perfectly. When you reach the second to last step, you clear your throat.

Your best friend looks up at you now, eyes wide as he takes in your appearance. His hair is pushed back, still fluffy but out of his face. You’re surprised to find yourself thinking that he looks very handsome. You blink away the thought as you continue to study Taerae-- eventually realizing that something is missing.

“No glasses?” You ask, waiting for him to respond. When he doesn’t, you prompt him again. “Taerae?”

“Oh, uh,” he begins to reply finally, shaking his head as if to clear his mind. “Yeah, just for tonight. My mom... thought it would look nice.”

“Your mom is right,” you say, smiling softly at him. “She usually is though.”

“You’re perfect,” Taerae says suddenly; eyebrows shooting up when he realizes what he just said. “I mean, you look perfectly ready to go and take pictures! And then go to prom. And stuff. You know? Like, you look perfect. Well--... You--... Um--...”

He’s rambling now and you don’t blame him. Your whole lives, you and Taerae had maintained a friendship without most pleasantries a normal friendship might have. Your affection towards each other usually came in the form of play-fighting, insults, sharing sweet potato fries at lunch, and other subtle acts of service. Only when one of you was having a particularly hard day would the other offer a hug or hand to hold or words of affirmation. You and Taerae were so close that normal affection usually seemed pretty arbitrary.

So this compliment from Taerae, even if it was unintentional is... different.

You swallow hard, averting your best friend’s gaze. “So do you.”

Brushing past him, you open the front door and step out onto your porch-- Taerae following behind you after a moment. You check your phone again for any texts from Ryan.

“He’s a prick, (Y/N),” Taerae says softly, as you continue to stare at your phone screen-- willing your eyes not to water. “Don’t let him ruin this for you. This was all your idea. You wanted to go to prom. You wanted to take pictures beforehand. Why are you letting this guy totally fuck up your night?”

Your eyes meet Taerae’s. He’s right and you know it. Ryan couldn’t care less about you and it was evident in the way he’d asked you (or rather, told you that you were going with him) to prom-- and the way he hadn’t shown up on time to your house. In fact, the whole day you’d been consumed by two feelings: the first being obsession over whether or not Ryan would like your outfit, your hair, your parents, your house...

The second being that deep down, in the pit of your stomach, you were filled with regret about your fixation these past couple of months on the soccer star. Even Taerae had made a nice poster for Molly. Not that he’d even bothered to tell you that he was asking her. And not that you cared what Taerae did or didn’t do for people he liked.

Right?

“Tae, I--.”

“Taerae!” A chipper voice calls from around the corner. Molly appears at the bottom of the porch steps, motioning for your best friend to come down. “Come take pictures! You too, (Y/N). Just because your prom date’s a bust, doesn’t mean you can steal mine!”

Your jaw drops slightly in shock. “I wasn’t--... That’s not--...”

“Chop, chop!” Molly says, walking back over to where all of your parents are standing-- Dohyun in the middle of them, talking their ears off.

Not wanting any more accusations being hurled at you on your own property, you give Taerae a quick shrug before following her out onto the lawn.

You’re sitting in the passenger seat of Ryan’s red sports car now as he parks in the school lot. He’d finally shown up two minutes before you were about to have to hop into Taerae’s car and ride in the backseat behind him and his date. Your mom, who was making no attempt to hide her displeasure, was able to snap a quick few photos of you before you left.

Ryan turns off the car, stuffing his keys in his right pocket before leaning back again into his seat. He’s staring at you and you’re not really sure how to respond. You reach for the door latch, but you feel his hand touch your left arm before you can open it.

You identify the look in his eyes right away-- he wants to kiss you. Come to think of it, you hadn’t kissed Ryan in over a week. You’d been busy with an essay and had to cancel your “tutoring sessions”. Usually, the idea would excite you. But tonight, it almost made your stomach turn.

A knock on your window startles you and you look over to find Taerae smiling at you-- more than a hint of annoyance in his eyes.

Ryan rolls down your window. “Dude, what are you--?”

“(Y/N) really wants to go to prom with you,” he replies, opening your door for you. You hop out immediately, grateful for the interference. “So you can save whatever you’re gonna do for later.”

You don’t look back at Ryan, walking as quickly as you can towards the front doors of the school. Eventually, Ryan, Taerae and Molly all catch up to you as you walk through the entranceway.

A beautiful balloon arch greets you as you enter the gym, fairy lights and vintage streamers lining every inch of the walls. It’s exactly as you’d imagined-- the prom of your dreams.

“JORDAN!” Ryan shouts suddenly from behind you, almost knocking you down as he runs to greet one of his stupid jock friends.

You start to fall, but a pair of hands are already on your shoulders to keep you upright. “Thanks,” you mumble as Taerae pushes you through the balloon arch and towards the open floor.

“Where do you wanna sit, Taerae?” Molly asks, smiling at him expectantly. “I’m sure (Y/N) is gonna go sit with Ryan.”

You glance back to where Ryan had run off to, finding him completely surrounded by his many popular friends. You turn back to Molly and Taerae, forcing yourself to nod.

“You should sit with us,” Taerae says, the pity in his eyes growing more embarrassing every minute. You aren’t going to ruin his night with Molly. You just couldn’t do that to your best friend.

Shaking your head, you try to smile reassuringly. “I’ll be fine.”

“(Y/N)...”

“You guys have fun! I’ll see you in a bit,” you call, wandering off to a table in the opposite corner. Once you take your seat, it’s as if you’ve been glued to it permanently.

You watch all of your peers rush to the dance floor, laugh together, embrace each other... Not once does Ryan ever come find you. But you know deep down that you sort of deserve it. How had you been so obsessed with one boy asking you to prom and ended up being the only person here having such a miserable time?

You should never have come. Or you should have come alone. Or with Taerae.

Taerae...

Your eyes rest on your best friend, who is sitting with Molly at their table. He’s leaning back comfortably in his chair; navy blue suit contrasting perfectly with his light olive skin. His smile is bright and pretty-- why the hell does he look so pretty tonight?

Is he having fun with Molly? Is he thinking about me?

Almost as if he’s heard your thought, Taerae’s eyes meet yours. The smile on his face instantly fades to an expression of concern and you hate it. You want him to smile at you like he was just smiling at Molly.

But why would he smile at you like that? He likes Molly.

Not you.

Your phone buzzes in your hand and you look at the screen to find a message from Taerae.

Are you okay??

You look back up at him, deciding to nod and give him a thumbs up-- hoping for that dimpled smile to return to his face. It doesn’t.

(Y/N), please just come over here You’re breaking my heart

Learning that you sitting alone in a corner is ruining Taerae’s prom experience is not what you needed to hear. Pressing your lips together awkwardly, you nod slowly at him; starting to stand up from your chair to go talk to him for a bit.

But you stop in your tracks when you watch Molly grab Taerae’s hand and pull him up out of his chair. She’s trying to tug him towards the dance floor-- his eyes widening in panic as they remain locked on you.

You wave him on, trying your best to smile at him. You feel your lip quiver and you hope he doesn’t notice from the other end of the gym. Taerae reluctantly stops resisting Molly and joins her on the dance floor after giving you another regretful look.

“Heyyyy (Y/N),” a voice slurs in your ear now, an arm wrapping around you from behind. You look up to find Ryan, smiling goofily back at you. He’s piss drunk, of course.

“Hi,” you say shortly, attempting to wiggle out of his hold but the alcohol hasn’t lessened his strength. “Can you let go, please?”

“Why would I do that?” He asks rhetorically, tequila coating his breath. “You’re my date.”

“Am I?” You spit, finally breaking free of his grip. “I couldn’t tell.”

He frowns. “What do you want? Do you want to dance or something? We can dance.”

“I want to go home,” you respond, glaring at him. “I don’t want to be here anymore.”

With that, you’re walking past Ryan and through the balloon arch out of the gym. It’s not until you’re standing in the hallway that you hear a set of footsteps following you.

You turn around to find Ryan standing behind you, a small silver flask in hand. “What are you doing?”

“Taking you home,” he answers, unscrewing the top off the flask and taking a sip. “You said you wanted to go home.”

“Are you kidding me?” You ask, eyes wide with shock. “You’re drunk. You’re not getting behind the wheel like this.”

He shrugs. “I’m really good at it! I do it all the time.”

“Holy shit,” you whisper, shaking your head at him in awe. “You fucking suck, you know that?”

His brow furrows in confusion. “What? What do you mean?”

“I mean,” you start, jaw setting in anger. “You’ve ignored me all night. You didn’t show up at my house on time to take pictures. You tried to skip prom to makeout with me in your car. Not to mention, you didn’t even ask me to prom. You told me yesterday that you would pick me up tonight. And now you want to drive me home and you can’t even stand up straight!?

Ryan stares at you for a long moment before the corner of his mouth turns up in a smirk. “Are you playing hard to get?”

You sigh exasperatedly. “You already got me! I was literally eating out of your palm for two whole months. I can’t believe I let myself be so stupid... Now I never want to see you ever again!”

He frowns. “It’s because of that Taeri kid, isn’t it?”

“What? No, no--...” It’s at that moment that you look back into the gym, spotting your best friend dancing with his date. He looks so stupid; he might even be the worst dancer you’ve ever met. So why does the sight of him make your heart swell? “His name’s Taerae. And he’s my best friend. That apparently likes someone else and never told me.”

You turn back to Ryan to find him staring back at you, wide-eyed. “Damn,” he says, shaking his head. “You’re in love with your weird friend.”

“I am not!” You protest, crossing your arms in front of your chest. “And he’s not weird, he’s just... Okay, yeah he’s weird. But the good kind of weird.”

“Wow. Denial much?” He says, laughing.

Your brow furrows curiously. “Why are you so okay with this? Weren’t you just asking me if I was playing hard to get?”

“It’s cool. You guys would probably make a better match anyway,” he responds with a shrug. “Plus I already hooked up with Steph in the bathroom, so I’m all set for the night if I have to be.”

You sigh, shaking your head in awe of the absolute dickhead standing in front of you. Turning on your heel and walking towards the exit doors, you mumble, “Goodnight, Ryan.”

“Goodnight, (Y/N),” he calls after you, far too cheerily. “Tell him! Or that girl’s gonna snatch him right up. Have you seen the way she’s been looking at him all night?”

Yeah. I have.

It had been a decent night for Taerae. Molly had turned out to be a good enough prom date. They talked about their science project most of the night, but he hadn’t really known what else to say. Besides, he was far too distracted to have any sort of real conversation when he’d been keeping at least one eye on you the whole night.

The pain he felt watching you sit alone at an empty table-- scrolling through your phone, tears rolling down your cheek periodically when you thought no one was watching you.

But Taerae was watching you. How could he not be when the most beautiful person in the room was his best friend?

Of course the one time he’d taken his eyes off you, you’d gone missing.

So far, he’d checked the buffet table, the photobooth, the hallway... He’d even knocked on the bathroom door (and received a very annoyed response from whoever was inside). But you were nowhere to be found.

That’s when he spots Ryan. The star of the soccer team is sitting down at the end of the bathroom hallway, back leaned against a locker. Taerae runs up to him frantically, smelling the liquor on his breath from six feet away.

“Where’s (Y/N)!?” Taerae shouts, shaking Ryan’s shoulders when he doesn’t answer.

The tall boy groans. “How should I know?”

“Because (Y/N)’s your date? Don’t you have any idea where your fucking date is!?”

“Jesus, chill out. This is why I said you were weird,” Ryan mumbles, slurring his words. “(Y/N) went home already.”

“What?” Taerae asks, mind racing. “Did you say something? Did you do something? Did you put your hands on--?”

“Probably, yeah. I don’t remember,” he responds, pointing up at Taerae. “But I thought (Y/N) was gonna tell you. I said to tell you so that that girl... doesn’t...”

Before he can finish his entirely incoherent sentence, Ryan has slumped over onto his side and fallen asleep.

“Tell me what?” Taerae asks; attempting to shake him awake. But it’s no use. “For christ’s sake...”

He turns around, about to run back towards the gym, but instead he comes face to face with his own prom date.

“Oh, Molly, I--,” he starts, but the girl in front of him cuts him off quickly.

“Go,” she says simply, the knowing smile on her face confirming to Taerae that she’s well aware of what’s going on. “Go get (Y/N).”

Taerae sighs. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. This is not cool of me at all.”

“No, it’s not,” Molly says with a laugh. “But I knew you liked (Y/N) the whole time. Once Dohyun opens his mouth, it’s hard to get him to shut it.”

Taerae smiles. “I always knew Dohyun would spill all my secrets one day.”

Molly shrugs. “It’s okay actually. Because tonight made me realize I kind of like Dohyun way more than you anyway. He’s more my type. He actually laughs at my chemistry jokes.”

“Oh, uh,” Taerae falters, eyebrows raising in shock. Dohyun? More her type? Taerae didn’t know that Dohyun was anyone’s type. Not that Taerae thought he was anyone’s type either. “Yeah, I guess I’m more of a biology guy.”

Molly hums. “Do you think you could put in a good word for me then?”

“Yeah,” he agrees, nodding absentmindedly. “Yeah, sure.”

“No hard feelings, then?” Molly asks, smiling up at him.

“No, none at all, I guess,” Taerae agrees-- though the entirely absurd thought of someone using him to get to Dohyun is still eating away at the back of his brain. “You’re okay if I leave now? Do you have a ride home?”

Molly nods happily. “I’ll see you on Monday! Don’t forget the Chapter 13 exam,” she says, walking back down the hallway towards the gym.

“And tell me how it goes with (Y/N)!”

You’re face down on your bed, having flopped there in a puddle of tears as soon as you’d gotten home and changed into your pajamas. Your dad had picked you up and you’d driven home in uncomfortable silence apart from your quiet sniffling. You’re currently subsisting on an entirely separate plane of existence-- one with excessive tears and nothing else.

But a rattling at your window startles you, causing you to jump up to see what’s making the sound. You’re even more startled when you realize that the sound is actually that of Taerae fiddling with the latch on your window frame.

You run to the window, unlocking the latch and pushing it open. You whisper-shout at your idiotic best friend, “What the fuck are you doing!?”

“Remember when I used to do this when I lived next door? Before we moved?” He replies, completely out of breath and barely managing to hang onto the vines of ivy running down the side of your house.

“Taerae, you moved when we were ten years old! You weighed at least 30 kilograms less than you do now. Are you crazy!?” Grabbing onto his arms and pulling him through the window, he lands with an ungracious thud on your bedroom floor.

“Huh,” he says, panting to catch his breath as he lies flat out on his back on your beige carpet. “I used to be in really good shape then. Maybe I should start working out.”

You sit down next to him, your back leaning against the side of your bed. You look at the right leg of his suit pants, finding a wet spot on the knee. He must’ve fallen before he successfully climbed up to your window.

He looks just as pretty lying here like this as he had all night-- only now, he looks a bit more like the Taerae you were used to. His hair had fallen into his eyes a bit more and he must’ve switched out his contact lenses for his glasses on his way here. Maybe your best friend had always been this beautiful... Maybe you’d just never taken the time to notice before.

Your eyes widen suddenly. “Taerae, what are you doing here? Where’s Molly?”

He sighs annoyedly. “Ask Dohyun.”

“What?” You ask, brow furrowing in confusion. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Never mind,” he says, rolling his eyes. “It’s a long story.”

You frown. “Prom isn’t even over yet. Why did you leave?”

“Because Ryan told me you left,” he answers, finally sitting up to look at you. “I needed to make sure you were okay.”

“Well, you could’ve texted me,” you respond, looking around you for your phone.

Taerae points to your desk and you turn to see your phone sitting on the corner of it. “You weren’t answering.”

“Oh,” you say softly, eyes falling to your lap. “I guess I wasn’t.”

“Look at me,” Taerae requests suddenly and you reluctantly oblige. You know you must look absolutely insane. Hair out of place, eyes red and puffy and face blotchy from crying. He smiles at you sadly again, just like he had been the whole night. “I know you’re not okay. You can be upset. You know I won’t judge you.”

His words are all you need for the tears to start flowing again. In less than a second, Taerae’s arms have wrapped around you; holding you tightly in his embrace. It’s comforting, but at the same time it’s not. Not if he knew the real reason you’d been crying so much.

“He doesn’t deserve you, (Y/N),” he says, hand finding its way to the back of your head to pet your hair. “I’m so, so sorry that he treated you this way. He was never worth your time.”

You swallow back your tears, before pulling away from Taerae. Your arms still tangled up with his, you say finally, “I know.”

He stares at you for a moment before that sad smile returns. “You should know. I’m glad that you know. He doesn’t deserve any of your tears.”

“They’re not for him.” The truth falls from your lips before you can chicken out. You brace for the instant regret that should come with saying these words, but it doesn’t come. Instead, you feel the beginnings of relief.

Taerae’s head tilts to the side questioningly. “What--... What do you mean?”

Your bottom lip tucks between your teeth and you bite it hard to dissolve the anxiety in your chest. “I wasn’t crying over him.”

“Oh...” He says softly, utter confusion written all over his face. “So... You... Okay, no, I don’t get it.”

Of course Taerae didn’t get it. He had a wonderful night with the girl he likes. And the person who’d ruined it for him was you.

“Oh, I just remembered that Ryan said you wanted to tell me something?” Taerae says, brow furrowed curiously. “Or that he told you to tell me something? I dunno. He wasn’t making much sense right before he passed out.”

“I like someone else,” you blurt; the rush of adrenaline causing you to stand up and find something to busy yourself with before your nails dig holes into your palms. You walk over to your record player, turning it on and dropping the needle on whatever album is already loaded. When the sound flows from the speakers, you realize it’s an R&B album you picked up from a vintage thrift shop across town last week.

Taerae stands up, too-- recognizing the tension in your voice. “You do?”

You nod, avoiding his gaze. “Mmhmm.”

“That’s... That’s great, (Y/N),” he encourages, but there’s a hint of reluctance in his voice. “I just hope whoever it is, they’re much nicer to you.”

“He’s really nice to me, actually,” you confirm, finally turning around to look at Taerae again. You catch a glimpse of sadness in his eyes before he shifts his focus down to the floor.

It’s now or never.

“Even when I steal his sweet potato fries.”

There’s a lag in his response. It takes a full ten seconds for Taerae to look up at you and, when he does, his eyes are wide and his lips are parted in shock. He’s so silent that you’re suddenly sure you’ve made a terrible mistake.

You clear your throat awkwardly. “I’m really sorry; maybe I shouldn’t’ve said that. I know you like Molly and I’m sorry you left prom early to check on me and I know I’ve been so annoying these past couple months and maybe it’s not fair of me to say any of this but when you made that poster for her and it had those Royal Azaleas on it-- that’s my favorite flower, how could you do that, you insensitive piece of--.”

For the last couple moments of your insane rambling, Taerae had been stepping towards you-- closing the gap between you and him quickly before finally cupping your face in his hands and connecting your lips in a particularly unskilled kiss.

When he pulls back, he’s blinking at you with innocent eyes; a blush heating his cheeks.

“Was that your first kiss?” You ask, a small smile turning up the corners of your lips. Taerae’s bottom lip has found its way between his teeth and he’s biting it hard to alleviate his nervous energy; hands dropping to his sides. He just nods in response.

Your right hand raises to his jaw now; left hand resting on his shoulder. Pulling him in to kiss you again, you say softly, “Just follow me for a second.”

When your lips are on Taerae’s again, you squeeze his shoulder gently to get him to relax. He responds to this, letting you lead until he feels confident enough to match you. And once he does...

You’re ready to kick yourself for not falling for him sooner.

“It was for you,” he says softly in between kisses. “I made it for you.”

You pull back to look at him. “What?”

“The poster. The promposal,” Taerae clarifies. “It had your favorite flowers on it, because it was for you.”

Your eyebrows raise as the truth sinks in. Taerae had been trying to ask you to prom yesterday; that’s why he was acting so weird. And Dohyun had obviously been enlisted to help.

“You wanted to go so badly,” he explains. “I know not with me, but I just wanted to try and make you happy anyway.”

A sad laugh escapes you. “Tell me honestly: why are you letting me confess to you right now? Do I really deserve it after all I must’ve put you through?”

Taerae shakes his head. “You definitely don’t,” he affirms before grinning at you. Finally those perfect dimples are on display just for you. “But I’m such a sucker for you. Those sweet potato fries only cost a dollar, you know?”

“I know,” you whisper, grabbing the collar of his navy suit jacket and pulling him in once more. You kiss him sweetly and his arms snake their way around your waist in response. “They just taste better coming from your tray.”

“I don’t even like them,” he says, kissing you again; a smirk on his lips. “I just get them so you’ll steal them from me.”

*** 🌶️ INSERT SPICY CUT SCENE HERE -- MINORS DNI -- CONTINUE READING BELOW FOR ENDING (and read below after finishing cut scene) 🌶️ ***

“(Y/N)?”

Your mother calling you from the other side of your door jolts you, sending you and Taerae scrambling off each other on your bed-- where you haven’t really let each other breathe for the past twenty minutes.

“If Taerae’s sleeping over, can you tell him to turn his headlights off, please?” That’s all your mom says before her footsteps travel back down the stairs; a hint of a smirk in her voice.

Taerae’s eyes widen, his hands searching his pockets for his keys. When he doesn’t find them, he smiles at you sheepishly. “Oops.”

“So stealthy of you,” you tease, hitting his chest lightly as you attempt to catch your breath. He grabs your hand, pulling you back into him and reattaching your lips. Before your mind goes blank again, you pull back. “Go turn your car off!”

“Fine,” he sighs, annoyedly. Pushing himself up off the bed with his hands, he finally stands up and walks towards the window. “Here I go. Just like you asked.”

You walk over to him, grabbing his shoulders from behind and turning him towards your bedroom door. “No more scaling buildings for tonight, King Kong.”

“Really? King Kong? Couldn’t have said something sexier like Spiderman or?”

Before he reaches for the doorknob, you turn him back to face you. Raising up on your toes cutely, you press one more kiss to his lips. “I just don’t really like spiders.”

“That’s right,” he says, palm cupping your cheek. “Giant gorilla it is, then.”

“Now go turn your car off so we can get back to what we were doing...”

Taerae’s hand flies to the doorknob; throwing the door open and running to the stairs as fast as he possibly can.

Just before he disappears down the stairs, he turns back to you-- pounding his chest with his fists lightly like the cutest, lamest gorilla to ever exist.

“This idiot,” you whisper, shaking your head.

I must really love him.

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jennilah · 3 months

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Jenna, can you give us a rundown of who these Saw people are for everyone who follows you but has not seen and will never see the Saw franchise?

ok my beautiful and very accepting followers gather round i am going to try to provide you some basic context to these characters that feature heavily on this blog these days, and i HAVE smoked a bowl of weed already

majorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr fucking series spoilers for anyone who might actually kind of be interested

mkay first of all despite what my blog might lead you to believe, this guy is like. the OG antagonist. the main dude for the whole franchise even when hes not technically present for most plotlines. all of his scenes are baller af

his name is John Kramer and he is the original Jigsaw Killer. He truly believes he can rehabilitate people who dont appreciate their lives (or commit crimes or take advantage of people) by putting them in saw traps. he pretends its not personal but it totally is. hes always putting people he personally beefs with in traps.

hes deeply fucked up but also really fascinating tbh like the whole fun of his character is seeing what reason hes gonna come up with to justify his next atrocity and how he manipulates everyone around him into doing his bidding. hes a mastermind. hes also Peepaw. Peepaw is kind of crazy but we love Peepaw

This is Billy hes a puppet

Billy is good

This is Adam Stanheight everyones favorite dead boy

hes so funny and charming and is also such a sopping wet pathetic sad rat. everyone loves Adam. We love pretending Adam is gonna come back but hes been super dead for years

This is Lawrence Gordon the guy he was stuck in the bathroom with and he does, yes, saw his foot off to free himself from his chain. hes an oncologist

everyone loves shipping him with Adam, thats called Chainshipping and its very cute but also very sad

esp because Lawrence turns to the dark side and becomes an apprentice to Jigsaw and never went back to save Adam like he PROMISED what the FUCK

but also i love Apprentice!Lawrence because of all the nutty implications and what other fun it has given us (such as AUs where Adam lives and even sometimes joins Lawrence as an apprentice himself)

This is Amanda Young she has many,. haircuts

I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER 😭😭😭😭 Shes an apprentice to Jigsaw and his pseudo adopted daughter and they have such a fucked up and tragic found family with each other.

i love that shes messy and emotional and vengeful and sarcastic and battling personal demons and questioning whether John's "rehabilitation" method really works (aka saw traps) and being unsure if she can take up the mantle when he passes. but he believes in her. and god they make me fucking emotional

this is Lynn Denlon shes a doctor kidnapped to treat John's cancer. and people ship her with Amanda, thats Shotgunshipping. it goes pretty hard tbh

like their scenes go fucking crazy through a shipping lens oh my fucking god. actually they all do tbh thats part of the fun of shipping in this franchise

oh boy big sigh here we go

this is Detective Mark Hoffman who is unfortunately my favorite character and i am REALLy high now. if u ever get confused like MANY of us did, you can recognize him by his bitch lips and/or boobies. ugh im gonna throw up i hate his ass

that last one oh my fucking god

anyway hes actually awful but i love him so much and at first i was scared that i was the only one who did LMAO.. anyway he also gets recruited by Jigsaw as another apprentice when he was in a very dark place, having just killed the murderer of his little sister. he made it look like a saw trap to frame Jigsaw.

but Jigsaw found out & was like nuh uh bitch you're working for me now, or else I'm telling on you.

But then Hoffman was like guess what bitch I LOVE it here and i LOVE killing. he becomes the Jigsquad problem child and proceeds to kill or manipulate everyone he needed to so he could be the sole "Jigsaw" remaining. But he's sloppy and paranoid af so the FBI is on his ass from day 1. And the more he kills, the sloppier he gets, and the more frantic and unable to dig himself out of this hole he gets. and the more violent and crazy he gets. But the more crazy he gets, the more he keeps evading death like a cockroach. For real, watching his downfall was the major appeal of his character for me, and the start of my downfall..ing in love with him. lord almighty

anyway everyone hates his ass and we LOVE bullying him!!!!! he deserves it. for all of the atrocities hes committed and also because hes such a smarmy little shit. even Amanda bullies him

and then we have Peter Strahm who shows up and hates Hoffman immediately, as you do. u can tell its him from his ridiculous eyelashes

and, YEAH, YOUVE GUESSED IT......... PEOPLE LIKE TO SHIP HIM WITH HOFFMAN.......... I KNOW..... RIGHT.... COULDNT BE ME.......

Because he is Hoffman's biggest adversary for two movies, knowingly in one. It's a classic cat and mouse game.

Anyway we love Peter Strahm!!!!! He's also an asshole! He's extremely hotheaded and short tempered but extremely passionate about the case. like, his dedication goes crazy. He's also quite the sassy bitch himself

but its BECAUSE he is also caring and emotional, especially towards his work partner Lindsey Perez WHO WE LOVE BECAUSE SHES AMAZING AND CARING AND SHE'S BEEN PETER'S PARTNER AND FRIEND FOR 5 YEARS THEY CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER I LOVE THEM

and those are the characters but ur probably like "what the fuck is up with the glass coffin" well my friends that is what us Hoffstrahmers refer to as our roman empire.

um i ran out of room for pictures :) but by now yall have seen the two traps reblogged and drawn by me a BILLION times, and those are: the water cube trap, and the glass coffin

so the deal with those:

the water cube trap: Strahm runs off to find Jigsaw himself after wildly following clues with no backup because he's so worked up from Perez getting hurt earlier and he sets off on revenge immediately. Hoffman catches him and puts him in the water cube.

It's meant to just kill him. he wasnt supposed to survive it. but Strahm is suddenly the main character when he fucking survives an unwinnable saw trap the fuckin crowd goes wild, it was fuckin sick dawg

and then through a series of Hoffman backstory flashbacks that he daydreams, he figures out the entirety of Hoffman's real secret identity and sets off to go catch him

and thats when he finds:

The Glass Coffin Trap: the instructions on the Jigsaw tape tell him to get into the coffin, it will hurt him but he will have a chance to survive. "do you trust me?" but he KNOWS its Hoffman and he doesnt trust that motherfucker so he doesnt get in. Hoffman approaches the scene, they get in a scuffle, and Strahm pushes him into the coffin and seals it.

but hoffman is like "neener neener poopoo you're an idiot" and tells him to listen to the rest of the tape. which tells him that if he doesnt get in the coffin, he's gonna fuckin die bro lmao rip

and so he does! hoffman, in the coffin, sinks into the ground like some cartoon villain and the walls close in and squeeze Strahm to death

anyway at first Coffinshipping to me was kind of a joke like just classic Asshole x Asshole, Enemies to Lovers, Hero x Villain shenanigans. Teehee what if they KISSED... in the COFFIN... and all.

but then i read exactly 1 fic and i was completely convinced entirely of the angst possibilities of these two. the "what if"s that were possible with them. the little Hoffstrahm community i found has been so fucking awesome their ideas are so fucking fun, and I'm having so much fun thinking of art of them and fics of them and ugh i love it here

#saw #jennilargh #jenna answers #coffinshipping #hoffstrahm

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ballcrusher74 · 3 months

Note

hello. are you. perhaps 👉👈 willing to talk about the inspector/faux. ive only seen cool arts and no context so im rather curious.

OK!!! I actually love rambling about my ocs so small questions like this make me day. I just get nervous LOL But! I will say, there's gonna probably be a bit I'm leaving out because it does involve my friends' characters and it's still an on-going thing atm (we tend to roleplay on lethal company as our guys. btw the oc group is called Cleanup Crew ! it explains the recent reblogs and new tags I've added on posts with this guy) AND this does also involve my own little interpretations of in-game mechanics and other things, but otherwise, I'll get the rest of him down!

Inspector, also originally known by the name of Terrance Conroy (or Terry), was a typical scavenger working under 'The Company' after a couple rough times on his home planet. (This information isn't necessarily set in stone, but the idea of him being a washed-up rock star before quitting his passion to get a job that pays his rent has been bouncing around in my brain.) He used to be a normal guy, trying to find a little hope in his desperate situation, and was a social butterfly. He tend to bounce from crew to crew, sometimes staying in some for only a couple days, and some for months. He was a very careful man, and looked out for his fellow crew members.

And then, one day, his first death on the job happens.

But instead of being greeted by a bright white light at the end of a tunnel, or complete pitch darkness, he appears on the ship again- completely physically fine.

This.. confuses him at first, yet he continues on.

And then he dies again. And again, and again. Over and over, the more deaths he's endured, the more he comes to a morbid realization that he can't truly die, nor can those around him. He tries to keep this truth hidden away from the others, as they seem to not have mentioned it at all before. He remembers everything. Every time he was ripped to shreds by an eyeless dog, every time he blew up into pieces from a landmine, every time he was shot multiple times, every time he was left behind or ejected as part of the disciplinary process- He felt it all and remembered it all. This goes on for the course of years (around 8-10 roughly) and over that course of time, he begins to grow very careless. What's the point of saving someone if they'll just come back? What's the use of tears when you're only a couple dollars off quota with a shovel in hand?

What's the point of it all? And with that carelessness comes selfishness into the picture. With how long he's been stuck in the cycle, he has become a very manipulative person, putting up a playful and nice persona on the outside- almost sickeningly sweet- in order to help other's do his bidding. He believes that if he were to cause so much chaos, disorder, and disruption within a crew, to where it's like animals mauling each other apart, he'd be able to break free from it himself. He doesn't care anymore about leaving others behind. He's desperate at this point to find a way out. Faux, who is an alter ego / disguise for Inspector, ties more into the on-going events right now, but I can give a basic rundown on his personality. He's a klutzy and quiet man, typically only talking to others when it's just him and them, and nobody else around, playing himself off as a selective mute. Since this is just Inspector in a jazzy little jester outfit, he still possesses all the traits of that man, just hidden away as to not blow his cover. He's still tugging on the strings in some way, people just don't realize. Sure, he's off putting and just a tad bit strange, but how can a goofy man like that be terrifying?

WOOOW ok that's a lot more typing than expected, but here's also a couple fun facts about the guy !

He stands at 6 feet and 1 inch, and is a very lanky guy compared to others, but this wasn't always the case. He used to just stand at 5 feet and 6 inches, and had more normal human proportions. With how many times he has died and how long it's been of the cycle, it has fucked up his appearance a LOT. Other things include : his 'skin' being grey, his voice constantly sounding like it's coming from a walkie talkie, no visible neck, his face becoming the helmet itself (it still bleeds, but there's nothing in there), and inhumanly flexible.

The only thing left of him that represents his last strand of humanity, is a singular, dim eye behind the tape on his visor.

He is very much not a rational man anymore. He is quick to jump to things, and won't hesitant with his actions.

When waiting to return from death, he is able to manifest in someone's head as a disembodied voice, and will typically mock them, or try and manipulate them further. In this state, he can see everything through the eyes of the person he's haunting. ^ Fun fact about this! This was originally based off a stupid bit where my friend was streaming LC to me with other buddies on the game and I kept telling them to step on landmines and then kill someone for a promotion, and then Inspector was born!

and UH I think that's about it I have for the guy atm! If the rest of the cleanup crew gets dropped than I'll update this accordingly perhaps. As of right now, enjoy my oc slop 👍

#lethal company #lethal company oc #oc #cleanup crew #that inspector that i hate #render

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krystal-kade · 4 months

Note

What's your opinion on the hazbin hotel songs?

(I've heard a few and i think they're okay..)

I'm so glad you asked bc I have some OPINIONS

(I'm not gonna talk about the pilot, just the episodes)

I've watched the first four episodes and they're better than I expected, but my expectations were on the floor

The first song is "Happy Day in Hell" from "Overture." Although this song/plotpoint should have been WAY later in the series, I like it. It feels like "Inside of Every Demon is a Rainbow" from the pilot, however both songs are on my playlist. It's a good song that serves as a recap of the pilot, showing Charlie's personality, motives, and her relationship with Vaggie (a little). It's a nice song with little substance, and feels like a Disney Princess' "i dream of something more" song. 7/10

In the same episode, we get "Hell is forever" sung by Adam. THE Adam. The first man Adam. Charlie meets with the Angels (just Adam and Lute, a girlboss exterminator who I think is in love with Adam?) and discusses her plan to redeem sinners. Adam laughs her off, singing "Hell is Forever," trying to convince Charlie that sinners can't change. Adam is such a dickbag that it's hard to like any part of this scene. He is really disrespectful towards women, grossly sexual, swears more than most characters in the show, and talks about being the "original dick." It wasn't unbearable, but it's probably the most forgettable song so far. 2/10

Next is "Stayed Gone" from the episode "Radio Killed the Video Star." It feels like a rap battle. It's a competitive song between Alastor and Vox that takes place over the radio and on TV respectively. A basic rundown is that Vox is kind of horny and down bad for Alastor, won't admit it. Vox is really pissed that Alastor came back (he was gone for 7 years) and is basically going on TV to shit on him. However, before he left, Vox had asked Alastor to join the Vees, (an influential group of overlords with names that start with 'V'; it's giving middle school popular girls) and Alastor refused. Vox is mad that Alastor didn't join, which leads Alastor to drop the iconic line "I said no and now he's pissy, that's the tea." This is probably one of my favorite songs in HH. It's catchy and unproblematic (which seems to be difficult for Viv). 8/10

"It starts with Sorry" is a song Charlie sings to Sir Pentious, telling him she'll accept him into the hotel if he owns up to his mistakes. It's an okay and forgettable song, but it's super ironic. A song about acknowledging you've hurt people, apologizing, and becoming a better person? In Vivienne fucking Medrano's show? Absolutely hilarious to listen to, if you go at it with a different perspective. Viv should take her own advice. 3/10

The episode "Scrambled Eggs" is based more around women (shocker, it wasn't written by Viv or Adam). The first song in this episode is "Respectless." It's sung by Velvette, one of the Vees, and Carmilla Carmine, an overlord. Velvette brings a decapitated angel head to an overlord meeting, and announces that angels CAN be killed, contrary to their previous belief. Velvette suggests they fight back against the angels and the exterminations, while Carmilla is adamant against it. The song's fine, but I especially love Velvette's lines. She has an English accent (Essex? I think?) and basically says "I'm not just a bitch. I'm THE bitch" and I love her for it. 5/10

Right after that, we find out that Carmilla killed the angel, which would have been shocking, but we only knew her for like, 5 minutes. The meeting's over, and it's just her and a few others. She says that she killed the angel to protect her daughters, and that going to war would endanger them again (basically "going to war endangers the people we started killing for"). She sings "Whatever it Takes" about protecting those she loves? I think, the song wasn't good enough to pay attention. This song's got a side-by-side with Vaggie, who's singing about wanting to protect Charlie. It's a sweet and nice song, but was just kinda mid. There's also a problem with Vaggie's singing, in which her voice is deep and monotonous, but her singing is light and high-pitched. 4/10

Oh boy. The next episode. "Masquerade." The first song is "Poison," sung by Angel Dust. It was released early, and got lots of hype and controversy. Similar to "Addict," it's a song where Angel talks about his struggles with addiction and his sexual abuse at the hands of his pimp, Valentino. Both of these songs are also on my playlist. It's catchy and fun to listen to, while also tackling deeper topics. Angel feels like his sexual abuse is his fault, and although he absolutely hates it, he feels like he has no choice but to stay. The song on its own? 9/10. Then the episode came out. The song shows Angel dancing and singing this song while graphic images flash behind him. Images of his rape and sexual assault. This episode had ZERO trigger warnings. The creators of this song were Viv and Raph (I can't find his last name right now). We can only speculate for Viv, but Raph 100% has a Rape kink. He ships Angel x Valentino, posts cosplay and art shipping them, publicly sexually harassed (asked for the nudes of?) a 15 year old, and essentially has admitted he finds rape and SA hot. He also lied about being an SA victim. Neither Viv nor Raph are SA victims. This song is just to fuel their rape kinks. Viv and Raph have yet to apologize for sexualizing SA, and have since doubled down on why this is "good representation." Truly disgusting, I have no choice but to say 0/10

"Loser, Baby" is similar to "Poison" in the sense that's it's fine until you REALLY think about it. In this song, Husk tells Angel that he used to be an overlord, but lost his power to Alastor. He says that he understands how Angel feels, since both their souls belong to overlords. The song is supposed to portray a "you're not alone, I understand what you're going through" message, but instead feels victim blame-y, with Husk kinda telling Angel that he should just try to ignore and move past it because everyone struggles. 6/10 song, 0/10 message

The songs were kinda disappointing, especially the last two. Fuck Vivienne Medrano

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel critical #vivziepop critical #spindlehorse critical

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the-s1lly-corner · 6 months

Text

Temporary rule regarding character-type readers⚠️⚠️

(Not targetted and not mad btw!!/gen)

I know I made the announcement yesterday but I wish to stress it again; for the time being please do not send in character-based readers without giving a brief explanation of their character! The mobile fandom wiki is hell and I'm kinda stuck on mobile for the foreseeable future; on top of that the fandom wiki is not the most reliable source

Any requests sent before the initial post are likely going to be answered eventually, they're just on a brief pause! Any character-reader requests sent in without a brief rundown of the canon characters basic run down, at this current moment, will not be answered.. unless I already know the character, however given that I'm not into much popular/classic media theres a slim chance <\3

I am not not trying to be rude in making this announcement and I truly apologize if I come off as such; but I am firm on my stance and I dont want anyone to send in something and have to wait for something that wont come

I know there will still be people sending stuff in that goes against my boundaries and personal rules regardless, but that's on them; I've already stated terms and stuff yk?

That being said I hope you all have a wonderful day, I'll work on requests tonight

**should note readers that are like "angel!reader" or really any reader as a specific personality type or hobby are 100% fine! This is not what this post is about! I'm talking about readers that are based/are similar to already existing character! (Example: tiffany valentine type!reader) (not an actual request, btw!! I'm not gonna single anyone out!)

Using the usual tags so more of my followers/usual requesters see it!

#tadc x you #tadc x reader #the amazing digital circus x reader #caine x reader #pomni x reader #ragatha x reader #jax x reader #kinger x reader #zooble x reader #gangle x reader

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bi-bats · 8 months

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"'n this is gonna have to go into my jaytimroy fic" LISTEN. listen, okay. jaytimroy is one of my fav poly relationships to read. i will eat this fic uppppp whenever you post it [zero pressure just to be clear!!! write at your own pace babes i'm rooting for it in the meantime]. with that said though, anything you're willing to share abt the wip?

also if you've written anything for that pairing, or just a fic including roy in general in the past??? shamelessly asking you to share a link.

AKLSJFLKSD thank you!!! Writing is definitely not happening the way it usually does for me (and this weekend has been Very Stressful, my cat is really sick and things aren't looking so good, he's not keeping food down at all and hasn't been for about three days and also it's my one year anniversary with my gf today and this has put a bit of a damper on it)

Anyways!! I really just have the plot for it 😂 basic rundown is Bruce finds out about the league bases and gets into a huge argument with Tim which results in the outlaws taking him in during the fallout. JayRoy have been hooking up but they don't know how to address the whole having feelings for each other thing because they both think it's one-sided. Then, of course, Tim comes in and throws a wrench into everything because he starts hooking up with Roy, and then if I say anything else we're wandering into spoilery territory!

I actually haven't written anything for that pairing yet/at all BUT my girlfriend has been begging for it (literally even was like 'you can give it to me as a birthday or a hannukah gift!! 😂) BUT I have written fics with Roy in them! I'm starting to get more comfortable writing him now.

Here's what he's in!

Roy is in Rooftops & Bookshops, but not very much. He's pretty much only in a short scene in chapters 9 and 12 each, other than a few background mentions along the way.

He's also in Pieces of Me (Pieces of You), and he's in two of the three chapters and plays a significant role in the plot

He's in Non-Refundable Plans, but he really only has a few lines (it's a one shot anyways), this is the one he's in the least by far

BUT he is in Know Yourself a significant amount! Every chapter, plenty of lines, scenes alone with Jason, scenes alone with Tim! This fic is ongoing but is NOT abandoned!! I'm struggling with it a bit right now but I am actively working on it. If you want to see how I write Roy or want to read something I wrote that has Roy in it, this is definitely my top recommendation for that!

And thank you for being clear that you aren't applying pressure!! I really appreciate how kind and patient and understanding everyone always is with me here!!! this fandom is the absolute best fr 💚💖💚

#batsasks #🤏🐈 hardlycats #fr I'm thinking of posting a new chapter of something just because at this point I could use the endorphins from comments #please send me and Zeus and Brosia (batsgf) your love 💖#JFAKSDJFLK I'M MAKING MYSELF LAUGH SO HARD ABOUT BATSGF #I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO BACK THROUGH AND RETAG ALL HER STUFF AS BATSGF #THANK YOU THIS PROVIDED ME BOTH BRIEF JOY AND BRIEF DISTRACTION

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golbrocklovely · 4 months

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What's you opinion on the colby and mlp drama? I see some fans are mad at him for "breaking her heart", cause the poor girl was waiting around for 8 years in the hopes of him finally making her his girlfriend and he has the audacity to date another girl. For all we know they're never been in a committed relationship.Her fans should be encouraging her to finally getting over him and move on.

i've gotten an ask about this before, a week or so back. i was against commenting on it just bc i don't want to give mlp the time of day. but as things have slowly played out, via her and her fans… i don't really feel the need to stay silent on it.

there's a lot i'm probably gonna say, so this will most likely be a very long post lol

and to those of you that hate-read the shit i post - especially since you like mlp so much - i ask you kindly to read completely thru. i know that's a lot, but please consider doing it, especially before you send in an ask calling me a "dick rider" for colby just bc i don't immediately say he's a slut and a douchebag for breaking her heart :)

i'm gonna give the briefest of rundowns for those that don't know.

first off, if you want to know how i feel about mlp, here is an ask i answered a while ago detailing most (if not all) of the shit she has done over the years.

secondly tbh, i never understood her relationship with colby. sure, they were always weirdly flirty, seemingly in a will-they-won't-they type of thing. but her livestreams have painted an ENTIRELY different picture. one that paints her as a bit…. unhinged, imo. he doesn't look great either, but i'll get into it.

now, what has been happening recently: i pop in occasionally to her streams but for the most part i steer clear bc she annoys me too much. i have friends that tell me everything, plus you guys. but i have witnessed some stuff with my own two eyes. when she first started streaming, she was NONSTOP talking about colby. answered any and all questions about him, how they were super close, talked about adventure buddies, said all the good poems in her book are about him, even saying she was gonna have him on at some point soon. and she was gonna have him in videos soon as well.

as you have pointed out, anon, her fans are mad that he "broke her heart" but how that became "reality", so to speak, stems from this: her sister asked her what she was doing for nye, and mlp said she had no plans bc "no one asked her yet" to do anything. fast forward to after colby's bday, aka around the time the pics of him and m leaked, and suddenly mlp is not streaming.

the stream she did a couple days after colby's bday is a new level of crazy i haven't seen from her bc she just aired it ALL out. and even if she didn't do that, her fans with their big ass mouths on twitter, insta, and tiktok, have been doing it for her.

she explained to her chat that she just went thru a breakup, basically. that it was an eight/nine year long situationship that was on and off again…. interestingly, her and colby have been friends since 2015. which would be…. eight/nine years.

very clearly, she is talking about colby, without saying his name.

now, there was someone in chat that said something about situationships, someone else asked what a situationship is, and the person replied with "a sexual relationship but with no commitment" or something vaguely like that. mlp immediately said "oh that's not what i had."

………so, you're telling me that whatever went on between the two of them….. wasn't sexual…. at all??? maybe i don't understand what a situationship is then, bc i was under the impression that the SEX PART was kinda the whole point. otherwise…. you just kinda have a friendship. an emotional situationship is just not a thing lol

even tho she kept telling her chat "i can't talk about this", she just kept going. she said that la changes ppl, that she thought they were on the same page for years and then all of sudden things took a turn. she thought she knew him well bc she was so close to him for so long. she can't talk about it publicly bc it's "too obvious" and she has to stay offline bc it's all on social media (which really just… seals the deal that it's about colby lol). she said she cried in his face and he said nothing. she also, verbatim, said "it's like one week you're their everything and then the next they want to go party and be with crazy girls and i'm not crazy" which…. cmon girl. you might as well have said m's name atp.

now, with all of this out of the way… how do i personally feel about this, since my opinion is so valid lol jk

for years, mlp has made it her mission to plant the seeds thru out the fandom that her and colby were secretly dating behind the scenes. that they had something going on but "oh guys, i can't talk about it ;)", playing coy and never outright shutting down the rumors. i have literal ss from her fan accounts saying "you guys don't know the truth. of course colby would never tell the full story" and shit like that. these are fans that fully were in GROUP CHATS with her for years, listening to her every word. so it's very clear to me she was telling them directly what was going on.

or at least the good parts - that her and colby were a thing.

but colby CONSISTENTLY has said time and time again that he is single, that he is not looking for a gf, that he hasn't had one since 2016, that he hasn't met someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. he has said all of that to us for YEARS. now, unless bts he was saying to mlp "oh baby, you know i'm just lying to the fans" that is the ONLY WAY he would be completely in the wrong here. regardless, colby has been seen publicly with girls so. many. times. mlp has been called out for liking edits making fun of said girls! she's also been rumored to be his guard dog, to loom over him, that he needs to "keep his bitch on a lease" - and the ppl who said this were the girls that were fucking with him. so she isn't in the dark that he is with other ppl.

and again, a situationship is NONCOMMITTAL. that means they aren't dedicated to each other. she herself has been with other guys, she admitted that. so why is it colby is the asshole here?

her fans are claiming that he flaked on her, that he chose m over her….. babes, that's not how this works. first off, again - noncommittal. these are the terms and conditions they BOTH agreed to. they have been playing this cat and mouse game since like 2016. nothing about their relationship has changed since then, let's be honest here. secondly, she literally said out loud "no one has asked me" aka COLBY DIDN'T MAKE PLANS WITH HER. so, he can't flake on someone he didn't make plans with. and this is no shade to mlp - but she doesn't drink, she doesn't party. colby for years has always been a partier. what exactly was he supposed to do with her on nye???? i'm not saying that to be mean. i say this as someone who is a wallflower, a stick in the mud, a prude, a straight-edge, ect ect. i haven't partied since i was in my early 20s. i get the lifestyle she has. i'm just saying realistically, of course he's not gonna want to hang out with her on one of the biggest nights to party.

now, all of this is not to say that she is the only one that did wrong in this situationship. colby should have said something long before now. but he liked that she emotionally supported him, he liked he could rely on her for his emotional needs to be fulfilled. he should have realized how deeply into him she was. he should have cut the chord long before things got to what they are today. but to bring it back to mlp, since this is about her mostly - she is 30. THIRTY. she has been playing this game since her early 20s. she knew what she signed up for. they haven't even had sex. with all that deep emotional bond shit they had going on - they never got intimate in that way. and clearly, she never had a problem with it. until now.

i think for the entirety of their relationship, mlp knew at the drop of a hat colby would come running to her - and vice versa. i think this is the ONE TIME he chose someone else over her. that, tied with the fact that she was making all these promises of him being in her content - videos, her documentary, streams - she NEEDED colby to say yes to all of this. and maybe he said yes, but then changed his mind. maybe he said he was too busy, and when she found out what he was busy with (hanging out with m on nye), it finally clicked that he was not into her like she was into him. even tho as a fan that has been obvious for years now.

and while i don't like mlp, i don't wish her harm. i don't wish her to be heart broken or sad. i know exactly what she is going thru. all of my dating experience has been unrequited love. i get it. trust me. however, you can't play innocent and naive. you knew what colby was doing all this time. and sure, he's a dick for not stopping this sooner. but you clearly knew what was up - YOU COULD HAVE LEFT. you had years, eight years in fact, to leave at any point. but you accepted what you could get, and you milked it for all it was worth. not to mention, but how did you expect him to want to be with you when you are in gcs with his minor fans talking about him constantly??? that man likes to keep things private, and you were basically shouting it from the rooftops.

not only that, but you played the fun game of shitting on any girl he was friends with or hooking up with. and only apologized when you got called out for it. and then tried to play the whole "i'm all for women supporting women" bs. let's be real honest, cards on the table - you only support women when you deem them as nonthreatening. the moment a woman is competition to you, especially in regards to getting attention from colby, you shit on them. bc you're scared. you're scared he will choose them over you.

also this doesn't even take into the fact that why would you want him to date you at this point when he has made it clear he doesn't like you like that? you want him to lie and pretend to be into you?

all of this being said, while i do have some sympathy for her, i also really don't. and the reason for it is bc she LIES. she egregiously lies, and has done it multiple times in her live streams (and obviously for years now).

here's two main ones, off the top of my head: one, she said she doesn't who corey scherer is…… besides the fact that apparently she has been in colby's life since basically corey was there, i find it hard to believe she doesn't know who he is. one reason is bc she used to go over to the old trap house. she 100% met him. and you know why i know this? reason number two, SHE IS IN THE BACKGROUND OF ONE OF COREY'S VIDEOS. she is there, sitting next colby. watching corey do something goofy for his vlog. why she would lie about this, idk.

two, and this is a bit of a weird one, she said she doesn't like zoos. she said bc she's vegan, zoos make her upset and cry and that she wants animals to be free or whatever. okay, hey, that's valid. and you might be like "how is this a lie?" well, back in september, when snc were in hot topic. she went with colby to said store. you know what they did after that (maybe even before)? THEY WENT TO A ZOO. i got the video clips of her giggling with colby over a capybara. the last time she seemingly hung out with him publicly was THEM GOING TO A ZOO. when she answered this question on stream, i was confused. bc she literally was just at a zoo with colby. so why lie??

she doesn't even benefit from lying about this shit. so what is the point?

and the reason why a lot of this deeply pisses me off is bc of how two faced these fans of hers (and colby's) are. in chat, she will have ppl kissing her ass, saying colby is a shitty guy. he's emo trash, he's a douche, they want beat the shit out of him from breaking her heart. he's a slut, and they even trash m. all that. but then, weirdly, on twitter and on xplrclub these same exact fans are begging, PLEADING, for colby to give them a crumb of attention. making edits of him, buying the merch, tagging him relentlessly. so… which is it? is he a dickhead, or is he this swell guy you want to have say your name in chat? pick a fucking lane.

okay. i'm done now :) lol

#ask #personal #cb ll #no seriously this is very long #grab a snack or something

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imnotgrimimjustagrumpyreaper · 1 year

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Is one of thomas' Sanders sizes literally just the Sanders from vine that wore the su shirt and Jung out with the vas 😭?

I'm gonna use this ask as an excuse to introduce you to all the sides LOL

I’m gonna preface this by saying that this will be LONG and also it has been a while since I rewatched the series or refreshed myself on some of the older stuff

I’m also gonna go ahead and give a quick rundown of my history with the fandom. I was like 12 or 13 when it first started? I didn’t have vine at the time so I just watched vine comps on youtube LOL but I was already like a causal a fan of Thomas Sanders. It wasn’t until the third episode which was a crossover with Lily Singh (I was a Lily Singh and Liza Koshy fan back in the day) that I started watching the series though. I got really into it after that and it was one of the first fandoms where I was like actually a super active member (You can look at the comments on some old prinxiety fanfics for proof of that LOL) I don’t remember exactly when I fell off but I fell off from the fandom for a good while around the Christmas episode where they all sing together through no fault of the series itself. I still watched the series but I didn’t like actively get into it or anything like I used to. Then the asides episode “Flirting with social anxiety” like REALLY dragged me back in hard and suddenly its like 13 year old me woke up as a 18 year old with the freedom to peruse tumblr as much as I wanted and I was back into it HARD. I try not to be ashamed of it but I know its one of those fandoms that gets a lot of shit for both valid and super not valid reasons. Long story short i’ve been a fan for years and unless things catch on fire worse than they already are I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to jump ship.

Not a side but a character: C!Thomas (which I think is who you're specifically referencing?) (and yes there was a vine where he met the VAS LOL, “Who ate my fries?” )

So like I said I’m pretty sure Thomas was big on way Vine before he was really big on Youtube. He did other stuff on Youtube before SASI but SASI has sorta become his flagship. A lot of his characters that he uses for instagram and yes indeed the sides originated on vine. The one I think you’re specifically referencing is a weird one because its not one of the sides. Thomas wore his Steven Universe shirt A LOT way back when so its how a lot of early fans took to drawing him and to some extent still do. This is a weird one like I said hafljad. So Character Thomas or C!Thomas is what fans call the version of himself Thomas portrays in SASI. This sort of relatable everyman online persona he puts on. I’m glad we do this is a good and healthy way to separate the show from the the man and it makes it a lot less weird to see like an in-depth post speculating about Thomas’s mental health when there’s a little C! In front of it to let you know its the Thomas as portrayed in SASI. Like I said the reason you still see the SU shirt even though I can’t remember the last time Thomas wore it and honestly I don’t even really think fans draw him in it anymore is that a lot of the art and fan content that like has the most notes and stuff is from the heyday way back when when he WAS still wearing the SU shirt. So yeah SU shirt guy isn’t one of the sides that is C!Thomas.

The basic plot of Sanders Sides is that its a guy standing in his living room with various aspects of himself talking about life. It did the very modern western cartoon thing of starting out a lot more episodic with some smaller long running plot threads being slowly introduced and then spinning wildly off the rails with a higher budget and musical numbers and intricate grand storytelling as the show went on but the basics are still the same hflajf.

Logan

Logan is another character that made the jump from vine and our first actual side on the list! He started as “The Teacher” character. Now it gets confusing down the line as we talk about the old Vine characters and their side counterparts but with Logan I’m pretty sure “The Teacher” is dead and gone so we don’t have to worry about that.

Sanders Sides characters all belong in name HELL. Its not really a problem with Logan or the other sides like it is for one of the them specifically (cough cough looking at you JANUS) but we’ll get there.

*The place it causes issues and possible confusion is in shipping. When you see the ship names pop up like “Logicality” “Intrulogical” “Prinxiety” etc the early ones were established popular pairings way before the sides had names so Morality + Logic = Logicality and later ships like “Intrulogical” kept up the name scheme. Where it gets weird is the later ships though where some characters did have names and some didn’t or people just wanted to abandon the naming scheme altogether and just use their names. The WORST culprit of this that I’ve seen happens to be my own dearly beloved “Dukeceit” or “Demus” or “Receit” or “Trashnoodle” Both of the characters were introduced late in the game so naming conventions were DEAD and Janus didn’t get a name for A LONG ASS TIME so its just like I said NAME HELL (it suits them though). I can’t even imagine what poor Orange’s ship names are going to look like.*

Back to teacher man who I’m afraid I’m treating just as badly as the series whoops…Long story short when the series first started the characters didn’t have names they had roles. So Logan made the jump from Vine as “The Teacher” character and became “Logic.” That is still his role but not what he gets called as a thing that got introduced later was that the sides had names and them telling their name to Thomas was like a very big series deal with a lot of meaning. Logan was the first to get a name.

So Logan is logic, his color is dark blue. One of the OG three (later four). He’s like the part of Thomas’s brain that wants to focus on work and being productive. He struggles with understanding his much more “Feeling based” companions. A lot of his angst is derived from Thomas’s career being so creativity focused a place where he feels he doesn’t really have much to contribute and Thomas’s continued struggles with (mental health) being productive and having a good work flow. A lot MORE of his angst is how often he is talked over, belittled and outright ignored by everyone. Logan deserves a lot better and with where we are in the series right now he’s gonna snap soon so hopefully he’ll get it. Logan is a bit of a funny case in the fandom. In the early days when it was just the four sides (aka when I was in the fandom the first time) he was the least popular side by a long shot. However, this did a full 180 and I would now argue he is the MOST popular side, which caused some cognitive dissonance because by the time the team made a meta-joke about him being the least popular, that shift was already well under way.

Patton

Is the “Dad’ character from Vine. The “Dad” character is our first instance where we see a split between SASI and Thomas’s other stuff. I’m pretty sure “Dad” still pops up in some of his skits but like infrequently, but when you see “Dad” in a skit it's not Patton unless stated otherwise. So there’s that weird split I was talking about LOL. Patton made the jump from Vine as the “Dad” character and then became “Morality.”

So Patton is Morality. His color is light blue and he’s the second side to get his name. One of the OG three (eventually four). Patton is a really interesting character, it's all too easy to label him Thomas’s “Heart” but I feel like that’s an oversimplification. He is Thomas’s judgment, he is Thomas’s sense of right and wrong and yes he is most of his mushy gushy feely stuff. Patton is the “Dad” but in a very real sense he’s also pretty childish and I don’t say that to demean him. He struggles with being blinded by nostalgia and black and white thinking. His main source of angst is that he feels unprepared to be Thomas’s morality now that Thomas is grown up and it's not so easy to tell what’s right and wrong anymore. However, a good source of angst for him is ALSO his deteriorating relationship with his once very good friend and son figure Virgil.

Patton is a complicated one to talk about because of how much perception of him in the fandom has shifted over the years. There’s always a tendency for the super cheerful friendly one of the bunch to get “Bullied” by the fandom (I’m guilty of it too) and in the early days there was a small pocket that didn’t like him or found him annoying or whatever. However, he was always, I would say, one of the more popular sides, I think he may have even been the most popular behind Virgil at that point.

This has definitely changed in recent years largely due to the introduction of the “Dark Sides,” especially Janus. There was always this tendency for the fandom to infantilize Patton and smush him down to his base components and it was easier to do so early on before Janus. His main role in the story besides being the sort of lovable goofy “White dad guy” who would scold the other sides for cursing (but might accidentally do so himself) was bringing Virgil into their little found family. However, he’s had a bit of a negative character arc lately that I believe we’re on the tail end of now.

The fandom generally skews young so we’re just as bad about black and white thinking as Patton is. Janus was introduced as the liar to Patton’s honesty and the selfishness to Patton’s selflessness and Patton made a bit of an ass of himself through the rocky introduction process. This is true but it's also true that Janus was directly goading him a lot of the time to try to make him seem bad. So yes Patton has the capability to be a jerk but he was also a jerk under duress. This is also what led to his relationship with Virgil now being so rocky (mostly). We haven’t gotten a conclusion to that yet. I can’t really look at Patton centric posts without them being super divided between the Patton defenders who still love him and the “Patton is the real villain” crowd. Nuance is dead, Patton villain AUs are at an all time high and Patton defenders tend to turn it around and shit on Janus (I may not like Moceit like at all but god bless the enemies to lovers crowd working their asses off here). While he isn’t my FAVORITE I don’t think he deserves this at all and I hope things look up in the future.

Roman

Roman is an interesting one on the name front. On vine he was “The prince” character and he jumped to sasi as “Creativity.” But he was still actively called the prince a lot of the time and dressed like a prince, I think it was a little while before we actually got confirmation of what exactly his official title was? This discrepancy comes into play with his ships (which I PROMISE I will stop bringing up eventually LOL). I’m not sure if its just because “Creativity” is a bitch to work into a ship name or because of the thing I mentioned earlier but Roman’s early ships like the juggernaut “Prinxiety” (Prince or “Princey” x Anxiety) and Logince (Logic x Prince). His later ships however like the ever popular sister ship to my beloved dukeceit, Roceit (Roman x Deceit) do not share this descrepency as they simply chose to use the names.

So Roman is creativity. His color is red and he was the third side to get his name. One of the og three (eventually four). Roman is not just creativity, he is as his name and color suggest Thomas’s capability for romance and romantic love. Now, I don’t remember the last time I saw “The Prince” character pop up in an instagram short or anything but where the same characters different but also characters drama rears its head for Roman is a little series called “Role Slaying with Roman.” The best way I can put it is the whole C.A Cupid MH EAH thing except not really because there it was canon she was the same person who had crossed over into the other world??...Role Slaying with Roman is basically just Thomas’s take on a DND podcast in which he (this is speculation) used Roman as a way to draw in his pre-existing fans by making him his player character. The universes are completely separate, the Romans are completely separate but they are both Roman. The fandoms have gotten pretty good at tagging for this but still I know it is confusing and it is a lot. As far as popularity in the fandom goes he has always been pretty middling and I think it suits him! He deserves to be higher but I think its pretty fitting that he has never ever dipped below the half way point of adoration. Roman is a theater kid extraordinaire, a sweet, slightly selfish, goofy himbo with big big dreams. He is a lover-boy and a bleeding heart. I HAVE to mention his early on rivalry with Virgil and subsequent friendship arc because its one of my favorite parts of the series but I think that about sums it up. Virgil is like the cause of all of Thomas’s stage fright and self doubt so of course the two are going to be at odds. Roman is very antagonist to Virgil because he can be scary so Virgil was antagonistic back but they slowly come to understand each other in a really believable and sweet way culminating in this absolute GUT PUNCH of a speech from Roman in the season finale and UGHH. Ever since they are besties who are constantly friendly bickering; they have a surprisingly healthy and supportive relationship and I love them dearly. Roman continues his trend of being deeply antagonistic to the dark sides by absolutely simultaneously adoring Janus because of his (sarcastic) flattery towards him and hating him after he figures out he’s lying. Janus made his debut in the series by impersonating Patton for a whole episode and it sort of made a fool of Roman and ever since it has been a very one sided rivalry with Roman absolutely HATING Janus. There is also this thing with a callback that he is very conflicted on and it made the whole thing so much worse. He has a hero complex and to him Janus is the villain and that is all he’ll ever be. I feel like it may also have something to do with…Who Janus brings with him but we’ll get there :))))). I feel like I’m talking about other people a lot in Roman’s section but that is where he shines, his relationships to ALL of the other characters are so nuanced and liable to change, especially now with everything that is currently happening in the series. Roman’s main sources of angst have been Thomas sacrificing opportunities for creative success for various reasons, not feeling like he can be Thomas’s “Hero” anymore (similar vibes to Patton) and Nico. Thomas in canon has recently started dating a man named Nico and…Wellll…Let’s just say things seem sweet now in a understandably bumpy but still favorable road…But the whole fandom can smell a break up coming that would push everyone including and especially our favorite prince over the edge. Hopefully he and Virgil don’t get back on the rocks!

Virgil

OH VIRGIL. Virgil Virgil Virgil… Originally the “Anxiety” character on Vine Virgil made the jump to SASI and became “Anxiety.” His is the character where you will see the most confusion with or at least it was before Roman. The confusion comes not only from “Anxiety” still being a pretty frequently used character in Thomas’s other content but also from the hoodie and his first arc. When Virgil first appeared in the series (although I don’t know if the episode technically counts?) was episode three in the crossover with Lily Singh I mentioned before. Both Thomas and Lily often spoke about dealing with mental health so Thomas’s anxiety character made an appearance in the episode as a (seemingly) one off antagonist for them to defeat (of course with the mentioned caveat that anxiety was not something you CAN defeat but still the point was he was an obstacle to face). Virgil in that appearance and every subsequent appearance throughout season one appeared in a grey plaid hoodie. However, after being “Redeemed” later on he swapped out the grey hoodie for a more patchwork custom purple hoodie. The Anxiety that appears in Thomas’s relatable instagram content still wears the grey hoodie and (I think) has a sign taped to his chest that simply says “Anxiety.” But the distinction can be hard to make so the confusion was always there and he was definitely the character where it was the most confusing until RSWR.

I think I have a lot to say about Virgil unfortunately. He is undoubtedly a fandom tour de force. In the early days finding a fander who’s favorite side wasn’t Virgil was a chore. He isn’t my favorite anymore but he still means a lot to me. I was a scared and dumb little kid with a family that mocked you for using words like “Mental health” and Virgil was the first time I ever saw a nuanced take on anxiety. He helped me come to terms with my own anxiety and not hate that part of myself. Despite the series later failures with handling nuance and mental health I stand by Virgil being a fantastic character. Besides all that he was just an angsty emo teen Zuko figure who loved MCR and Nightmare Before Christmas of COURSE he was popular. He is the only one I think could give Logan a run for his money (I would say maybe Janus but Janus also has a fair number of passionate haters).

Virgil is anxiety. His color is purple and he was the fourth side to get his name. When I say “original three eventually four” he is that fourth I am referring to, he has been around much longer than the two newer sides but also wasn’t in the first two episodes. Our first “Dark Side” on the list but also not really! That gets a little complicated lol. Virgil used to be a dark side, a concept introduced with the introduction of Janus. The dark sides are like the less desirable parts of Thomas, aka his anxiety and others we’ll get to later. Virgil, however, has been confirmed to be a “Neutral” side which will factor in later. Virgil is not just Thomas’s anxiety he is Thomas’s fear in general. We have seen that without him Thomas cannot function, he keeps him safe, he is fight or flight, he seemingly has control over more basic reflexes too or at least keeps them sharp and without him Thomas quote “Doesn’t fear death.” Which isn’t really a bad thing #deathpositive but in this case that refers to him not valuing his life and taking dumb risks like not locking his door or looking both ways to cross the street which is not good. Virgil’s whole arc first season was finding this nuance and coming to be accepted and it is still some of the series best. However, as time went on Virgil stagnated just a hair there wasn’t really anywhere else obvious for him to grow, he was on decent terms with the other three sides. I think this was about the time his popularity dipped slightly but I wasn’t around to see it. ALL of that changed however when Janus popped up and dragged all of Virgil’s history with him. Virgil wants so badly to forget that he was ever “Like them” he worked so hard to get away from being a dark side, from being seen as a threat to Thomas and now Janus waltzes in and just reminds everyone, literally. No literally those two have personal beef and Janus loves taunting Virgil over how he’ll always be a dark side. This is also where what had previously been Virgil’s strongest relationship crumbled, partially? I don’t know if its quite clear what exactly is the root cause but its definitely got something to do with these two factors. One, Patton simultaneously implying that all dark sides were unforgivable by the way he treated Janus but also two, treating Virgil as if he’d never been an antagonist in the first place, just generally not handling a (albeit very difficult situation with much grace). But also Virgil is definitely coded the youngest of the sides I think, he’s the most teenager and as such he acts like a teenager. Virgil (speculation) doesn’t like that Patton would imply he’s just a sweet helpless innocent baby, as much as he would love to distance himself from the dark sides I think someone else erasing that history for him invalidates him. On a less deep level it is a very typical teenager snapping at their parent and giving them the cold shoulder sort of deal LOL. They will work it out. Him and Janus though? His other parent figure? That seems like it may be another story.

Remus

OGH REMUS. I have two favorites and he is one of them. That being said there is some…Stuff to say about Remus. Remus was the second out of the two sides made specifically for the series and not being pre-existing characters to be introduced. However, he was the first of the two to get his name so that’s why he comes first on the list. He is the only side to date that has (and likely ever will) given their name the very first time they appear/meet Thomas and I love him for it. As much as I love Remus as a character, him as a concept is…Flawed…

See, the dark sides seem to be doing the Virgil thing but ramping up in intensity. The series' whole thing seems to be that every part of you can be good and is necessary; you just have to work with yourself not against yourself. Janus is a good example of this. He isn’t a mental health thing like Virgil, but he is something that is often demonized: he is Thomas’s selfishness and the series had a wonderful and deep and complicated conversation about that and what the balance is of prioritizing yourself but still being a kind and giving person who does right by others. His whole arc (which isn’t even quite over yet, hopefully) is probably the best thing the series has ever done and I LOVE it.

Remus on the other hand…Woof…So. Here’s the thing. Remus represents intrusive thoughts. The way they’ve spun this is that he’s also Thomas’s capability for more adult oriented creativity, darker stories and sex scenes and stuff. He’s all the stuff that Thomas has locked away as a creator who has made his whole brand kid friendly. AND THAT is a deeply deeply interesting conversation to have! However, he’s still intrusive thoughts. Now I can tell you as someone with severe anxiety that anxiety is no damn joke, chest pain, nausea, weak immune system, panic attacks, insomnia NO FUN. However, a big factor here is that anxiety isn’t demonized like intrusive thoughts.

I’m going to speak out of my ass here for a bit based on discourse I’ve seen but….There is a lot of nuance here and I deleted a whole paragraph because I feel like I can’t speak with experience on the matter. I haven’t really dealt with intrusive thoughts since I was a pre-teen and my memory there is practically blacked out. A lot of the issues come with just being slightly tone deaf I think and a lot of the other issues come from the person they consulted to write Remus who as I understand it isn’t a great person. Then there was the issue with fanders tagging Remus related posts with “Intrusive thoughts” and clogging up a tag that should have been dedicated to a serious mental health thing with their blorbo. All in all it was just a mess.

Overall I don’t feel like this is a topic Thomas was fully prepared to handle. As such Remus has sort of been reduced to a joke character which is fine? I guess? I don’t know in his debut episode that was sort of the conclusion: that you shouldn’t take him seriously. BUT, the thing is he has so much damn potential as a character. Remus. I love Remus and I think there’s a lot there, like I said the conversation about feeling limited as a creative is one I think would be very interesting but I don’t think its ever going to happen. It feels like Remus was meant for more but due to the (rightful) backlash he received he’ll never get it. Its like the series has backed themselves into a corner in my eyes. If they want to make interesting Remus content with the aspect of him that they can talk about in an interesting and nuanced manner they have to reckon with the fact that they tried to tackle a demonized mental health issue and people weren’t happy with the way they did so. MAYBE I’m just a jaded fan who’s sad my blorbo isn’t gonna get the spotlight but I don’t know. In all the supplemental material we’ve gotten since he cropped up he’s been sort of like the lovable outcast buffoon side character that’s just sort of tolerated by everyone and OCCASIONALLY we’ll see a moment where he makes Thomas feel like shit. And I’m like?? Where did THIS come from? It feels like Remus is a song where the last note never played. I LOVE to see him pop up and eat spaghetti with a straw but I’d also love to see him get treated like a character which they really can’t do because they decided to make him intrusive thoughts. MAYBE this legendary alleged four part season finale that’s SUPPOSEDLY on the horizon will give me what I want. But I don’t think so, it feels like the series has already moved on. And honestly? I wouldn’t blame them if they did.

The problem is is that the way the series is set up where “Every part of you has a role” is that at this point Remus doesn’t. It feels counter intuitive to what I think the series is trying to say to have ALL THESE OTHER CHARACTERS with so much nuance and good and bad qualities and then have that one guy over there who’s flat as a piece of cardboard by design. If they want to go the Virgil route with Remus and stick true to their (presumed) message and have that interesting conversation I want they have to deal with the fact that they made him intrusive thoughts. They’re going to have to have a very uncomfortable conversation about just how seriously and with how much value they should treat Remus considering what they’ve made him represent and face more backlash. And I don’t think they’re ever going to and honestly I don’t know if I want them to….UGH sorry its just MNNGHHHH.

Anyways. Remus. Remus is…Lets call him “Dark creativity.” Which I believe is his official title. His color is green. He is the second out of the three new sides to be introduced and the first to get his name. He is canonically twin brothers with Roman and they are the only sides to canonically have a familial relationship with another side (although this is debatable). Remus is insane, clown car horn honking outside your window at three am insane. He is random and silly and gross and I love him. He cusses, makes sex jokes and has constant props and gags galore. He is also prone to anger and has a temper. He hates being ignored which unfortunately…Remus’s most interesting relationship is probably with his brother Roman although its never really been explored. Its the classic golden child vs fuck up dynamic with Thomas being the parent. Its unclear how Remus actually feels about his brother so far although he did bash him over the head in his debut episode, classic sibling behavior. Roman hates Remus. He hates that Thomas has (sort of because like I said, WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN) accepted Remus and he fears that people may see him and Remus as being alike in any way. Remus hasn’t had much to say on this matter so…A final note on them is that there is a very popular fan theory regarding their history. There is a line in the show about them having “Split like an amoeba” I believe it was which led a lot of people to think they were one person. That. And the fact that their titles are the prince and the duke…Both implying a higher power…

Logan is the character with which Remus has had the most interesting interactions (hello intrulogical shippers I see you). The dark sides all have light side counterparts, the most direct example is Patton and Janus but Remus is an interesting case. While Remus’s light side counterpart is Roman the side that actually balances him out is Logan. Logan like I said is logic. How do you defeat unreasonable nonsense violence that your brain is spitting at you because its bored? With logic. So the two have a love hate dynamic, they’re very frosty but I think Remus is regretfully fascinated with Logan and fixated on messing with him specifically and I hate to admit it as someone who has a DIFFERENT otp but yeah there is a LOT of tension there (I am so sorry Remuskinn, if you’re reading this). My favorite dynamic with him is one we technically haven’t even seen play out yet in canon but MNNGHHHH. I love them. I have to get into shipping for a minute. So my otp is seen as basic for a very funny reason. The most popular ship in the fandom is an oldie but a goodie “Prinxiety” which is Roman x Virgil. I am sorry to logicality shippers but Logicality Logan x Patton was basically seen as a default if you already shipped Prinxiety. So when Remus and Janus were introduced the people who already shipped Prinxiety and Logicality picked them up as the third duo to complete the default set fhadlfjl. So they are seen as basic despite not really being all that popular? I love them. I’ll give you a bit more on the name because I think its funny. So, the two most popular options are “Demus” and “Dukeceit.” SO. The options for the Remus half of the ship name are as follows: “Remus,” “Duke,” and “Intrusive Thoughts.” He gave away all three in his debut episode which set ship namers into a frenzy because oh god there’s so much to work with what do we pick. For some reason “Intrusive thoughts” + “Deceit” never really caught on although I think “Intruceit” is fine if an ungraceful mouthful. So we get ‘The Duke” + “Deceit” = “Dukeceit” and “Deceit” + “Remus” = “Demus.” Other options are “Receit” “Intruceit” “Janmus” “Trashnoodle” and more. Remus was the main one complicating things here but I also feel like the conflict between the old and new shipping conventions in the fandom was just at an all time high title vs name war. This was only made worse by the fact that Janus didn’t even HAVE a name yet and wouldn’t until well over a year after being introduced. In short: they don’t really have a set name and tagging for them is hell. But in all honesty the chaos suits them.

Now like I said, we haven’t seen them interact in canon: technically. We’ve seen them interact once or twice on screen in questionably canon content but as of yet they haven’t spoken a word to each other in a main series episode. We are working with scraps here but OH BOY are they filet mignon trimmings JUICY JUICY JUICY. There was a tiktok that Thomas reacted to a while back before even the semi-canon stuff had come out that was to the “Let’s not be to hasty, still I think he’s rather tasty” audio that he said was pretty much a perfect fit if that gives you any idea of them LOL. They have a Jessy and James ISH dynamic in that they’re a dynamic villain duo. They simultaneously have so much in common but also are opposites attract. Remus is all about loud bleating honesty and Janus is the secretive one who keeps his cards close to his chest. Remus fucks around and finds out and Janus is sick of his shit and cleans up his messes. BUT the beauty is he sticks around anyway. There’s a scene in the “incorrect quotes” video where Janus is keeping Remus company during a hospital stay and I think that’s very telling. I identify a lot of with Remus as someone who’s prone to saying shit that makes people look at me funny. Overly honest and kind of a jerk. As someone who is “Unlovable” and gross. So the fact that there is someone who sticks around on purpose and seemingly enjoys his company makes me feel all mushy gushy inside. It's that “There’s someone for everyone” thing. Even beyond shipping their mostly unexplored but semi-canon friendship means literally EVERYTHING to me and the second their dynamic is fucked up is the second I probably can’t stomach to watch the series anymore. Dukeceit fans work with what we got which is NOT A LOT but hey! All I can say is “There’s a snake in my ass” LOL.

Back on topic: Remus fans work with what we have too which is also not a lot and though I’d like to have hope that that will change in the future I don’t think there is any ground for that hope to stand on…At least there’s always fanfiction.

Janus

Janus is arguably my actual favorite character. I just love him SO goddamn much. First of all he has the COOLEST design because his face is literally half snake half human so freakin COOL. I love him. There is so much room for headcanon with that. Like? Does he wear so many layers because he’s all full of secrets or is he just cold because snake? Love love love it.

I will say that Janus is also not free of controversy largely due to some unfortunate ties to anti-semetic stereotypes that I am definitely not qualified to speak on. Janus. Janus is Deceit and his color is yellow. He was the first of the new three sides to be introduced and the second to get his name. He is the side with the current record for longest time between introduction and name reveal which like I said I think sits at over a year. This suits him perfectly and also his name reveal is one of my favorite moments in the series. His name also not only suits him perfectly but fits very nicely into the current trend of dark side names just being a smorgasbord for Remus to make filthy jokes out of (I’m keeping my fingers crossed for Uranus to be next LOL). Janus is Thomas’s capability for deceit, to tell lies to not only others but also to lie to himself. He is also his capability to be selfish. Janus is a character where its unclear exactly where his morals lay. He seems like a wrong things for the right reasons kind of guy but the beauty is we don’t really know. He desperately wants to take care of Thomas and to be recognized as a valuable and good part of Thomas. He wants him to blow off work and take a nap once and a while but also maybe to commit some arson. He is all secrets and shadows. He has so many fun motifs: Jeckle and Hyde, shadows, snakes and snake eyes. GOD I LOVE HIM. He’s also super well written too. There’s this fun thing where he seems incredibly intelligent and don’t get me wrong he probably is smart but he’s also bullshitting 90% of the time about as hard as your average uni student writing a 10 page paper. Every single one of his sources he cites is usually deeply flawed, he’s scrabbling for anything he can use to make himself seem smart and capable and all knowing. He also has this super fucking sick thing where he has six arm, six shadow arms Dr. Facilier style that he can use to make the sides “Silence” themselves ala Pearl from Steven Universe and slap a hand over their mouth and it is DOPE. He seems like a bit of a marxist so respect there, he’s been seen reading marxist lit lol. He is sarcastic as hell and you have to watch his tone to see how serious he’s being at any given moment LOL. OH! Also it's generally accepted that he has the power to suppress the other dark sides, letting Thomas lie to himself about them not being there which is why they didn’t start popping up until after he showed himself. So oh my god there is a LOT there too. All in all everything about him is just SO COOL.

A lot of his angst seems to come from (since he’s my favorite you have to take everything I say with a grain of salt) the fact that he is in fact deceit and as such no one really ever trusts him. Everyone distrusts him and calls him a monster and all that shit.

People are really indecisive on Janus. He is super popular but he’s one of the sides where the love and the hate are about split equal. Since he is deceit a lot of people think he’s bullshitting at all times and is secretly just a villain. Not only do I think this goes against what the series seems to be about but everything we’ve gotten of him in the supplemental material thus far (keenly his character playlist) seems to suggest the opposite. He is GENUINELY trying to be accepted. Don’t get me wrong the way he went about this was a mess. Like I said way back in Patton’s section he goaded and manipulated both him and Roman into being their worst selves and making them question their own morality, which in a way is a good thing but come on man. He’s not so blameless but everyone who thinks he’s JUST a one note villain is as blind as poor Roman. Janus is grey not black or white. He’s a flawed and complex character. He’s funny and charming and there is SO much potential for angst. I could write a whole other 10k words just on his playlist alone and also before I forget to mention it he has THE COOLEST theme music but GOD all this to say Janus is the best. I love him. I hope his arc isn’t quite over there’s so much more I want to see from him before he steps out of the spotlight.

???🍊???

Speaking of characters stepping in and out of the spotlight.

So. When Janus was introduced he brought a whole lot of new lore with him. We got this new idea called “Dark sides” the fact that our beloved guys weren’t just sides they were the “Light sides.” Patton and Janus have pretty direct parallels and Roman and Remus and twins. So the dark sides are all connected to and the counter parts of the light sides. This lead to a whole thing with the fandom trying to figure out Virgil. Was he technically a light side or a dark side? How many other sides were there? Was Virgil the dark side that was opposite to Logan? No. No he wasn’t. Thomas confirmed that Virgil was a “Neutral” side and is the only neutral side. Which left one more spot to be filled…

For a while there was debate on what color he was. We knew he was going to be a color of the rainbow based on the pre-existing color scheme. Most people immediately went to orange although there was a small pocket of the fandom that thought it may have been pink. This is because the color pink often appears as an entity on merch. But, pink is C!Thomas, that is the color that represents him (there is another character in the Thomas canon who’s color is pink but he’s not a side).

We don’t know a lot about Orange. People debated his existence for a while until he was all but confirmed by the confirmation that Virgil technically wasn’t a dark side. He has now in fact been directly confirmed by the series via a series of teasers. Most exciting of which is Logan’s eyes glowing a bright orange.

Orange. Purpose unknown and color orange. Name has not yet been revealed and neither has the character himself. We can speculate and it seems to be the case the orange represents anger. This ties into Logan as Logan has been shown to repress a lot of anger in the past. He is ignored and belittled a lot by characters that he can’t help but think of as less intelligent than him. So orange is anger or rage.

The dark sides have been building in intensity. Janus is definitely the most intriguing so far and the one that had the most focus in the narrative but Remus is the scariest. Parts of his debut episode are literally like horror adjacent. Janus was a force to be reckoned with Remus is a force that you CAN’T reckon with…So the idea is that oh boy where does that leave orange? And considering that he’s waited to reveal himself until the four part season finale? OH BOY…Well…🍊

This is almost 10k. I had more to say but honestly I am out of energy even for info-dumping lol. If you are reading this why?? But also thank you ahfkjdahfkja. I’ll probably reblog this at some point with the rest. I’m sorry I used this ask to yell about my blorbos but it made me feel good to do so hfldjafhld. So to answer your question again: Yes but also no. He is C!Thomas.

#the word of grim #long post #sanders sides #sander sides #logan sanders #patton sanders #Roman sanders #virgil sanders #remus sanders #janus sanders #orange side #thomas sanders #C!thomas #asks #answered #mutual #witch kitty #sanders sides critical

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cowboylikericky · 3 months

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3. rant, just do it (love ur rants)

ugh i love ranting 🙏

a little bit of background context, im trans and everyone in my school thinks im bi. im not sure how that happened but literally everyone thinks it.

anyway, today's rant is gonna be about this guy that I go to school with, he's christian right but i'm not letting the excuse anything he's said or done because i'm catholic and i don't act like this. basically he's bi but he says that he doesn't agree with trans people because it's against his religion even though his religions also technically against gay people and he decides to make this everyone's problem. i used to sit next to him in english lit and this was around the time I had a crush on this person who was the year above and also went to the same drama organisation that me and this boy went to. so they went by they them pronouns and everyone knew that, so obviously I would be using they them pronouns when I talked about them. an every single time I used their pronouns, the boy would kick off about how they then doesn't exist and it's just fake. eventually I got over my crush on that person and I started crushing heavily on my now girlfriend, @killerqueeen777 and as I said in the background context he thought I was bi and I explained him that I wasn't bo but I didn't give like a full rundown of what my sexuality was so I think you just assumed that I was straight because I'd been out with a lot more boys than girls. and at this point he still thinks that I'm a girl. so anyway I talk about via a lot in class and he actually like gets mad at me he's like oh you're not bi youre not a lesbian to why are you crushing on a girl, at this point I've stopped talking to him because I'm not giving him the time of day considering I've come out to him as trans before. but then he starts to bring up the topic of gender during our lessons, like without me bringing up any of my non-binary friends he'll waffle on about how non-binary isn't real. one day I have had enough of it after he says that there's only two genders, and I turn to him and I'm like what that intersex people. I'm not gonna lie he is gagged. he gets so mad that he doesn't talk to me for a whole week and I'm like oh fucking finally he's leaving me alone

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irlstein · 8 months

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I Wanna Suck Maya Kamina's Big Fat Tits

Fast rundown for men with wives and wives with men: I took most of a year off to recover from late-stage Twitter intolerance that I'm pretty sure was giving my blood some sort of pH poisoning, I hope you guys have been doing well and apologize for the lack of communication.

Slow Rundown For True Jackheads - Much Longer Than It Has To Be, You Can Just Say Jack Was Taking Care Of Family And Had A Breakdown:

Howdy guys, been a few months. Had a lot happen in this last year - when I took my break, I'd begun watching my Uncle Gary on a daily basis, who is a stroke survivor left unfortunately incapable of complex speech, and with no strength in his left side. My Uncle Gary and I didn't have much of a relationship before this, but I'd taken on the task of moving into his trailer while he was recovering at his sister's - she lives just in town, it's a ten minute drive, but there was no feasible way for him to get in and out of his own house - for about two years. In that time I'd basically had a deal going with the family that I'd watch Uncle Gary for a few weeks, maybe a month or two, once he had the lift installed at his home that would let him come and go without too much hassle. I'd clean his trailer up for him, because he was a mega-bachelor with three girlfriends and so much backed-up old food from habitual boredom shopping that the place was a damn mess, bugs and rats in the back of the cupboards shit, and they'd disregard the bump in utilities to having someone actually in the house because I'd also keep the place from getting robbed, as he had a bunch of guns and gun parts stored there. It was a pretty fair deal for everyone involved, and while I really only stayed there about 2/3 of the time, it was enough that I really couldn't justify bouncing if the dude needed me, and I've been watching disabled family pretty much daily for 5 years now - so it seemed like a small life change.

Then COVID hit and the three months I was gonna be at his house, as stated prior, ballooned out to about two years, and at some point there began to be some sentiment that Uncle Gary was now annoyed by the idea of living with me - despite me being a patently temporary tenant there for his benefit, with literally two other homes in walking distance I could be living at, as I've got a lot of family in town. I could also get an apartment or something, you get the idea, I just wasn't actually enthused to be there and it was pretty inconsiderate to turn my very blatantly and clearly elaborated, regularly checked upon for the comfort of all concerned, act of well-meaning against me. My grandpa died when I was 5, Uncle Gary's brother, and everyone always talks about how much my grandpa loved me, so it seemed natural I'd just do whatever his brother needed when he was in a time of need.

From there, thing got sour for a while - we never came to blows, only really argued once or twice, but my Uncle Gary's obvious ennui at his turn in health had bluntly made him kind of an ungrateful dick to everyone. Now, let me state here - I stayed with and watched him for about six months following when he came home. It just grew more and more difficult to bear with the situation as I'd talk to him, interpret for him, make him whatever he wanted for dinner, crack jokes, fix computer problems, invest all of my daily energy into making him comfortable - and caught him talking shit on me behind my back. Little stuff - "So Jack's a good cook?" "Ehhhhhh." "Jack's taking good care of you huh? Your blood sugar's been good all week." "Ah well," little shit like that, negging on top of a totally unpaid position I'd volunteered for on the very day he went to the hospital because I'd spent the ages of 22 - 24 watching my mom as she recovered from a real bad car accident and since I've always made money online, it just seemed natural to volunteer my maid services the moment someone else in the family needed the same kind of health.

But fuck, man. It really hurt to be treated how he treated me, because there was contempt there. He was always cool to his sister, my great Aunt, who I visited every week with my grandma to do chores for because she and her husband are, themselves, old and disabled - replaced her kitchen ceiling, watched her dogs, lawnwork, cooking, whatever they needed I would insist upon doing, so there was infinite evidence in supply that I was not a malicious opportunist here, just a younger relative trying to help everyone he could. Uncle Gary didn't give a fuck, he snapped at me, basically laughed at people who suggested he should pay me for my time, and the family dawdled on the job of hiring home healthcare for so long that it looked like I was really expected to just stay there and keep doing this.

And honestly, I kind of flattened. I've always been a depressed guy, chronic nightmares do that to you, and it's easier to crumple to your circumstances than it is to challenge them when challenging them means telling a crippled relative who sees you as a leech that he'll need another 24/7 cook and care provider. I started sleeping all day until he called on me; I developed a nervous tic whenever I heard his walker because that meant he was gonna walk past my bedroom door, glance in skeptically, and call me out for another task I'd have to spend ten minutes guessing and interpreting to understand, because (No fault of his) the guy could basically only give very general positive or negative affirmations, and got very angry very quickly when misinterpreted. So I sort of just stopped thinking about the future and wallowed in this cold trailer, uncomfortable all day, talking to my friends less and working less, just getting more cold and static and dead as the days went on. Let me be clear, I'm not "the true victim" in this discussion about a dude who had a stroke, but I am a mentally soft dude who didn't have a lot of happy feelings to draw on and could easily be bullied by circumstance into shutting down; I did.

Then Rachele, the lady who came to clean up Uncle Gary's apartment, started working for him to do basically my job, and I made plans to leave. And they got a home healthcare service going, got another lady to fill in some of the time Rachele couldn't be there for, and things were on an incline, life was getting normal and I was getting my head straight again.

Then my grandma nearly died of a heart attack when we came home from a family reunion. She was carrying KayKay, her granddaughter, into the house, and suddenly started sweating and groaning in pain. I knew something had happened, her doctor had told her not to carry anythign heavy and KayKay was nearly half her size because my grandma's such a small lady. Specifically, something happened that dumped a bunch of blood into her intestines, and she needed a triple bypass. That was a really hard night; my grandma, already in her 70s, had a major injury, but for hours she denied it. I sat there with her in her living room, watching my Uncle Pete's daughter, as she just lay on the couch and insisted that she just needed to rest. I checked her blood pressure - again and again, a dozen times, always going down. I reminded her that it's not normal to feel sudden, agonizing pain in your stomach when you lift a toddler, followed by going pale and losing massive blood pressure. "I just need some salt," she said. "That blood pressure reader is always wrong, must be the batteries," she muttered a dozen times in that span, clearly growing delerious. I ran to Uncle Gary's and grabbed his blood pressure cuff, and the results were even worse, and she still shrugged it off. I sat there with her for three hours, pestering her, threatening to call an ambulance and being shut down, until I finally called her daughter, who happened to be a nurse and long-time hospital worker. Finally, at her daughter's terrified reaction at her mother clearly ignoring a fatal wound, grandma agreed to go to the hospital.

And I was just sitting there for the rest of the night, with this little kid who didn't know me. Trying to keep her from crying, calling everyone I could to spread the news, sweaty and cold and just scared that it was all starting over again, that the relentless years of awful shit just happening to me and my family had never ended, this sense that there was a cosmic bullseye on my scrote I'd dealt with in silence since my childhood reaching critical terror as it was now fucking killing people in front of me. I'm superstitious; at times, I become inclined to believe I'm living in hell. But in hell, you're not there to save your grandma, and in hell, kids are a lot more rude than sweet little KayKay; read her a few stories and put on Miraculous Ladybug, and she chilled out.

Then the fucking waiting game started over, because grandma had significant plaque build-up in her arteries, whatever those important ones in the sides of your neck are, and couldn't even have her heart surgery until that was taken care of. She was in there for weeks, and once she did get the triple bypass, she was in there for even longer, and all of her recovery was just above touch-and-go - still is, technically, that's a major surgery and it takes a long time to actually heal from at her age. For the sake of what timeline I can remember, my ability to recall events in order is a little compromised by the bad sleep, this began about a week after I posted that Joe Biden meme. That was attempt #3 or so to come back, and I remember I'd been in a really good mood about it. There were other problems, mostly drugs in the family, but until that point I really thought we'd all been improving and life was finally just getting better.

With that I moved out, having been asked to watch her trailer - though I'd bet it was clear to everyone that I was just miserable at Uncle Gary's but unwilling to leave, and this was a convenient opportunity to force me to make a positive change. Grandma's a real good lady, nobody in town would get away with robbing her, but she insisted I bring my stuff over and watch the place until she could come home - she left for Alabama so her daughter's family could keep her under close observation, a very good decision given she was stubborn enough that she'd probably try mowing the lawn the very day she came home. And so for a few months I stayed there, mostly on the incline, working every day and trying to build good habits. I started walking a few miles a day, lost a lot of weight, and again, things were on the incline. I moved to my Uncle Pete's next door, got a real living arrangement figured out with my own space and my own contributions to the upkeep of the household, and things were on the incline. In-between, I lost a lot of my time filling in for Rachele as she watched dogs, going back to Uncle Gary's for a few weeks at a time and filling in about three nights a week - still gratis, though I was filling in for paid employees - on the average week, because he was my neighbor and Rachele had other obligations. I do not mean to imply anyone abused my sympathy; merely that I was unwilling to admit that my sympathy was increasingly costing me and I foolishly ignored the simply reality that this was keeping my life from going forward, that there were other options for them and that I really didn't need to invest all of my spare time into watching a guy who had genuinely shown me reproach and treated me like an unwanted little boy for trying to take care of him. Full credit, Uncle Gary's gotten better since then and clearly regrets having pushed many people away, myself merely a single example among most of his friends and family, and the constant understanding that his suffering was worse than mine just made it impossible for me to take my own priorities seriously. Improvement. Still, overall, improvement, and I was feeling good. I started making daily projects and completing tasks at a rapid pace, all of my time filled, nothing to do besides do for myself and for others. It was honestly really good, the last four months or so kept me in no state to return to socializing, but I was doing well enough that I'd be back eventually, I knew it.

Then the night terrors came. This is a recent problem, started about two months ago - see, I use a bit of Delta-8 here and there. I inherited pretty severe anhedonia from my mom, who smoked weed her whole life and will again when she can, and so to be blunt - heh, I didn't know food tasted good. I mean, until the first time I had about 10mg in my system, I didn't realize what my problem actually was - constant, cold, painful stress feedback in my head. Like body-level anxiety in my brain that never goes away. And the first time I ate food with a mild buzz, I got the best news I'd had in my entie life -

People weren't lying. Life could feel good. On a very real level, from childhood to mid-20's, I had never experienced pleasure on a level you would describe as noticeable, and with the regular migraines and nightmares, my perception of existence really was based entirely upon a paradigm of suffering through, until some small miracle convinced me to keep living. I used to look forward to the bad headaches, because they'd make me sweat, raise my heart rate, and force enough of an adrenalin reaction that I felt smooth and calm afterwards. I really had gone twenty-plus years assuming people lied about how good it could feel to be able to feel good things, thought it was an act of nihilistic denial to keep us all from committing to mutual suicide in a world where you can count on hurting any time but there's just no equivalent joyful inverse to a bad headache. This began near the last 4 months of me watching my Uncle Gary, and let me be clear, I wasn't spending all day stoned - in general, I had this very severe pro-lucidity rationale going from childhood, because my grandpa died of lung cancer and that tied a permanent sort of trauma to cigarettes, thus drugs in general, into my reasoning. But I did make a big mistake - I got too used to spending my time buzzed.

You see, when you're like me, your dopamine levels are naturally very low regardless of your health. But you have no basis of reference, because your entire life goes like this - you never really believe you're depressed, because you have no basis of reference. Or rather, your basis of reference is between "buffer" and "misery" - misery is always going to happen, but if you've got a buffer, like YouTube videos, good porn, something funny to watch, you can raise your heartrate a bit and go a whole day without a breakdown. You can force a sliver of resistance between yourself and this moment of collapse you can always feel on the horizon, and you convince yourself that everyone uses the internet to cope and that you're just a darker shade of normal.

But when you're like me, you don't get a reprieve from your own biology. Your ability to feel good is permanently subnatural - you've got a 20% debuff to being alive, and rest never makes you feel better. You're the kind of person who, despite not being a schizophrenic, could potentially fall out of reality in an act of severe pessimistic paranoia so intense that it starts to break how you think, all the while acting normal enough that nobody really notices you.

That's what happened - my theory is, months of improved dopamine output made me lax, made me forget that you don't just fix what my problem is by feeling good enough for long enough that you fix your head. Oh the philosophical problems work themselves out that way, I finally accepted that I should find a girl and start a family, move from hobby comedian to someone who really tries to help people, but in all that time your real buffer is depleting. You forget that so much of your enjoyment comes from the context of a decade solid of suffering, and for reasons as spiritual as biological, you start to lose appreciation for being. Yes, I surely thought, this was it, I found proof that life is worth living, I'll never break again, it's all good from here on out. No, what you do is actually reduce your body's dopamine sensitivity by a lot, and lose enough weight to get your energy back, meaning you feel just a bit manic during your active hours, and again, your guard drops. It's all good from here, you found the SECRET dude, there really is good in life, you can abandon the watchhound complex and treat the world like a place that's glad to have you. You're not just here to be someone else's buffer, you're part of history, born at the first age of prosperity in which a man might actually become immortal and live in space.

Then your first apocalpyse nightmare hits. Like every nightmare, it starts off as a dream and decomposes - you're around old classmates, happy to see them. And random explosions begin going off around the city - someone next to you dies, and you've already forgotten her face. You look at the cityscape and a massive spaceship shaped like a flaming steel crown crashes into the atmosphere and stops just above the buildings, the shockwave of its passage feeling completely and utterly real. You wake up, and the numbness you feel in your sleep abates, so the horror hits you. It's 2PM and you get over it; you always have nightmares when you sleep too late.

Then the next - you're at the pool and someone steps on some moldy-green crystals growing on the damp concrete. They pierce her foot at the heel, and spread oily-black corruption under her skin. In your mind, you know it's a fungus somehow, that it'll grow inside of her and kill her, something like Splinter for those of you who've seen that old Syfy original film. You wander around, everyone you see is family or a friend, and they're all murmuring that it's growing everywhere, people getting little jabs here and there, it's practically unavoidable. There's an abstract diversion - you're running through a yard and some old Green Day track is playing, a blonde woman dressed up as a cheerleader and she just makes you feel weird and uncomfortable because she's poking out of the side of a shed, and you've never had a good dream, so seeing pretty women never goes anywhere. Then you pass through the fence and see an old black woman, somebody's mother or grandma or favorite teacher, and you know months have passed - the crystalline mold, whatever it is, is poking out of her face and joints. She's still alive, walking down the road with a walker, and you realize with terror that this would only happen in a world where people have accepted it - the mold is going to kill us all, and walking down the street riddled like a fucking pincushion is just a trivial aspect of everyday life in the latter hours of mankind. You saw it begin, and it's already fucking over, and you barely had a moment to want to try to stop it. Then she's dancing in front of a camera, pirouetting like a ballerina, totally consumed by sharp growths as onlookers watch her in amazement, more possessed by interest in the utter ruination and decay and whatever entertainment it can offer them than trying to survive. Mankind is now living in an era of having accepted their deaths, but in the most disgusting and reprehensible manner possible, seeing the decay as merely another aspect of their media diets, TikTok in the final second of every family's history. They didn't try hard enough, and now they're indulging in the decay.

You wake up and you're hit by a TIDAL WAVE - a thought strikes you off-balance in the distance between cognitive reality and awareness, screaming ALL LIFE IS MERELY THE RESULT OF CIRCUMSTANCE WHICH HAS LEFT IT UNALTERED, Cthulhu screaming empty materialist philosophy that you can already feel is wrong. No it's not; life is adaptive, either arising naturally from worlds devoid of life or being designed by things which were already alive to have done so, the animating force of reality already being intrinsic. We are not merely mathematical outcomes aggregating across successes, were are aware and experiential, we feel disgusted moreso than afraid of descriptions which reduce us to processes because it's paramountly deluded to pretend life isn't aware and full of intent. Life FIGHTS - life is not merely outcomes, as outcomes are merely observation, an artifical description of reality reduced to verbal description to the same degree that the word Earth describes a literal location and leaves out infinite amounts of data provably unrecorded by and unaccounted for in the description. Further, mathematics are often used to defuse romantic thought, but math is merely patterns within observability - to believe everything is math is ridiculous because math is an emotionally neutered descriptor of forces, not the source of forces. Math exists because reality persists, reality does not persist because of the observable patterns we've divorced from emotion and called math, which is a stupid fucking philosophical trap for us to wander into by-the-way and causes problems every day for people with existential fears. It's not that the sentiment was philosophically superior and overwhelmed my beliefs, but that it hit me just as I was senseless, a tactically calculated malice with no intention but to disable with steep fear, leaving you at the bottom of a frozen whirlpool.

And so that's where I was. For weeks. Every answer I came up with was met with temporary success and then the return of the whirlpool - I say "Life is valuable because it unalterably exists, no one can declare it does not affect reality materially and thus have significance; claiming it is insignificant is like claiming concrete is insignificant." And that puts the fear on pause. Then, the next day, another nigthmare as you awaken - you're above the universe and looking too far, in every direction, disenchanted and terrified because on some irrational level you assume that there being what we assume are consistent patterns means there's an upper floor caging in reality's value, only so many things to do. You imagine the immense fucking scale of not just our galaxy but others, and for the first time, it comforts you - we haven't even seen the core of the Earth. This argument is bullshit; a reality not woven with consistency at some level is pure chaos, and insignificance abounds where nothing persists. Indeed, it's infinitely more arguable than the opposite to say that a reality with a great degree of predictability is valuable to us, as it allows us to gain power merely through understanding, while our bodies could never meet the task of raising us to a great status during our lives because evolution simply moves very slowly; everyone has the hope of seeing the world change for the better, in all of their lives, because this world has traction, and rules we somehow are not born with an understanding of despite being born from it, but can embrace the minutiae of and develop a place in reality through. Knowledge is beautiful; abandoning sentiment is the highest curse. You know this is the case. You've stabbed the Devil in the stomach and retained your self.

But it keeps coming back, merely restating itself. Never presenting a cogent argument, because this is not a demon, this is you, this is you stuck in a decay cycle in all of your emotional attachments as you no longer have THC in your system and feel cold doubt that all the warmth and love you've come to recognize in the world might betray you and be baseless, vibrations upon ash. This is stupid; that things with individuality, capable of both deferring and embracing life, exist shows that reality itself is not dead but very active, you do not fear dying because you become nothing, but because you prize you. Sentiment and selfishness and the beauty of self-sacrifice, things that require an ounce of impractical irrationality, exist, and you are not an ant. If it was all just for outcomes, you would be an ant - a hollow box that notices nothing. There is no need for emotional prongs to guide a being with no free will; that you observe is already an evolutionary indulgence, and that you do not live for the pack is an inherent compromise upon the endpoint of human survivability. You are not an educated man, but even the barest pop science reveals to you that reality is vulnerable, but vital - we are only at the barest edge of intellectual awareness, but already so vibrantly different from what and how we could be. It doesn't matter that there's no floor to outer space, that you are tiny, because the stories all happen here, on the worlds - you already exist upon the stage of history, and your value is not up for discussion, merely enrichment. Cthulhu can suck your fucking cock; it would feel good and make him embarrassed, things far beyond outcomes aggregating blindly. You have discovered an iron-hard belief now in the soul, in the value of the future, and for the first time in your life you feel as if your presence in the world has boots on, settled firmly upon the floor of reality - it isn't that there's an argument for the value of your life, of reality.

It's that there's nothing but arguments, and every argument against it merely beggars a HIGHER source of authority, a god or a theoretical image of a a totally benevolent existence with no demands upon you. Things already of value; you know this pain is delusional, because every nihilistic argument merely begs for proof, for permission to be. Merely for an iron-hard belief in the soul and boots upon the concrete floor of reality's value, something finally strong enough to argue against the dread paranoia experienced by those in a state of being. From this unromantic perspective, you are already a dreadfully complicated argument against their sentiment that everything in reality being element-generating balls of light held together by impossible forces that become irrational on the micro scale means we're somehow valueless, trapped in a world without value; even if this were the lesser of all realities, it is enough to be. Even if this were Hell, it would be made with the beauty of Earth in mind. The void is defeated, for it is not a void at all, merely your fear of surprise when held against the terrifying infinity of cosmic circumstance. Your boots are on the floor of the world. You are already alive. Whether your name is Jack or not, this argument applies - you are already alive. You are already enough reason to continue being, and build a future where such questions are defeated, where children you will never know live insulated from the nightmare of skepticism. And if the future doesn't matter to you, sex and food and great and don't even have to be good for you, and experience makes its own compelling arguments. It is not so hard, in the rearview mirror of a psychic breakdown, to realize you really could be so privileged as to be God's children. And if you aren't, there's still an infinite ladder to climb, and if there's a roof above it, then maybe it's high enough; maybe there's a way above it without losing our humanity. Don't we live a day at a time? Don't we have time enough to try? Are our hands really being forced by cosmic circumstance when at any moment we can blissfully defer our duty? In all the nightmares of philosophy, the most terrifying is merely that being is sentimentless, devoid of higher value - and if it were somehow true, look at all these miracles born of a dead world. What conceit has doubt the proof has not already been rendered against? None; it is but an impure visitor to your thoughts. You are already alive.

You have about 400 arguments like this that eventually reach into the prosaic, all day, every day for weeks. When you wake up, when you sleep - especially when you catch yourself in a good mood. The niggling chases you down, because the sheer realization of pleasure brings back that terror of it all being somehow artificial, and artificial in this arbitrary sense, where construction alone is not somehow proof of sufficient outcome to justify being. It's the scariest thought imaginable, nihilism on an absolute scale, for someone who only just discovered pleasant contentment and really thought his life was on a permanent incline. The arguments weave together perfectly for a reason; the terror of this thought is that it is illogical, but maliciously illogical. It is stupid, and above all else, stupid with the confidence to bowl over someone who had 1000 incursions upon his comfort this week. The enemy force does not need to be right if they outnumber you sufficiently; they must merely be present. This enemy is nothing more complex or elemental than the fact that in the absence of joy, we become stupid, we lose capacities for higher thought that are required to recite and appreciate thoughts that are abstract and meaningful at once. Anyone with anxiety can tell you this; anxious thoughts do not survive because they are undeniable, but because in a state of fear, adversary presence becomes undeniable. You functionally can't believe good things anymore, and that's the true monster; it steals your faith, leech-like, an ounce a day.

Beyond this point I delve into some existential argumentation that I fought off twelve varities of PTSD for; you don't need to read beyond this point unless existential argumentation is something you need, and a weapon against the shades of being would fit nicely in your palm. Know this: All of my arguments hereon are built upon your ability to disagree, and I merely ask that if you do, that you value yourself enough to live happily.

It must be said that it is cosmically significant that humans are sturdy-willed enough to both survive this and make memes about it. It is not a minor problem; it is a quiet apocalpyse that we slowly observe, and lose the faith to fight. It is an inferior opponent, but it has nothing to lose, and will always return to lose again, because it really only has so many opportunities to convince you and you will eventually overcome it - but it has nothing but opportunities when its appearance is rooted at the deepest levels of experiencing life. I was given a phobia of being, a phobia of unbeing, and something greater between the two - the fear that either were playing into another's hands, a perfect trinity cage where every option existent meant I was prompted with fear yet again, hopelessness, an endless attack upon my sanity.

It must be said that it is cosmically significant that a man as paramountly unimpressive as myself could survive a trinity of discussion and return to tell you, neither dead nor mad. If this world is a fight between mankind and our reason to exist, then we have already won, and the enemy hates us for it. I am not an educated man, I do not have the benefits of faith, I have no lover and few close friends who I truly do not share my pain with, for my greatest fear is spawning a predatory thought and inflicting it upon another, mental HIV paramountly treatable in the long-term but in the short-term, crippling to your survival. I felt that I could only unreasonably risk others by discussing this until I have answers.

Pardon the prosaic, as it spills from my mouth without permission when high spirits are present, but I must say:

I think it's a weak-ass threat from someone without a gun big enough to scare me when you resort to trying to convince someone who exists that on an abstract and unreasonable playing field born not of rational observation, but sheer negativity, that he doesn't exist enough. You don't spend much time threatening to kill imaginary friends. You want to know why nihilism is stupid? Because it's just you arguing with yourself for your own permission to exist. And if it's not, if on some deeper level there's a maliciousness in the world trying to displace you, then it's funny as hell as an insult to survive and have a good time. In any world with frivolity, you are not a slave to circumstance; in any world with purpose, you are not a slave to experience. Life is hard, and that makes us vulnerable, but it's the easiest it's every been, and we need to stop letting that make us vulneralbe. For my bit, even if my life was worthless, I'd insist that my grandma's isn't - my Uncle's isn't, my mom's isn't, yours isn't, and I don't give a fuck how complex or nuanced of an argument someone presents when arguing otherwise. A weaponized argument is essentially a mechanism, a tool made of information, and you don't argue that someone has the moral metaphysical victory for showing up to a fight with a gun; you observe that they prepared with malicious intent, and probably shouldn't be trusted merely for their competency in the act of needless murder. As a rule, when you can tell a thought is trying to drive you insane, that means it isn't on your side, and that doesn't necessarily mean you can displace it by will alone - but for everyone out there with anxiety, with issues like mine, people who are desensitized by decades of bad habits and bad life stories - you need to know that you've forgotten more than you remember. Being happy doesn't make you stupid, it lets you appreciate things, and on a functional level is not an undignified level of stooped intelligence, but rather the gate between you and all the thoughts you need in order to remember to live. Even emotional compartmentalization is not an argument against spiritualistic, experiential value; this world survives because it has consistent rules, which means it's a benefit to you when any aspect of your existence has practical value, and denigrating it thusly as unremarkable because it has practical value does carry the unprovable, dismissive assertion that things with practical value somehow have novalue, a totally arbitrary state of emptiness of being that only exists because you find the notion resentful of being. It's stupid, literally a lack of context and understanding, a strict degradation of the ability to think that corners and harasses you, not a chilling moment of existential awareness. You're not hiding from some grim answer; you're being pushed away from the many answers already within existence. You're caught off-guard by a question children are wise enough not to bother to ask, and it still bother you, because you already value, and that is enough for the question of value.

So if it's unclear, I went from a stressful year and a mild Delta-8 dependency to a sort of existential spiral marked by, above all things, my own chronic pessimism and genuine inexperience with life. If I had more scientific knowledge, I know I could have argued this better; wave-particle duality already makes reality too bizarre to not have faith in investigating. And if I'd had a girlfriend, or just enough pride to admit that I was suffering to people instead of seeing it as a contemptible weakness upon my own insignificant person, most of these could have again been resolved out of hand. I mean, if you want a clue, reality builds outward - particles bond in adjacency, meaning next to eachother, not in a vertical stack that suggests there's some sort of bottom level to existence where you need to argue philosophical value comes from. Expand that philosophically outward, and even materialists must argue that reality believes value comes from attachment, structure obeys this, and that it is therefore significant that you can not only choose what you are attached to but can choose to be disattached at all. Again, you're not an ant, a nihil engine repurposing scraps; you're on the bottom floor of divinity itself, staring up at the stars, things infinity times infinity bigger than you, and you know what we say?

"We could cage them someday."

Now personally, I'd argue that stars are somehow sacred, and imagining them as something we could bind in a Dyson Sphere is a bit like saying you can bottle sex and water flowers with it; on a scientific level, fucking maybe, but it's arbitrary and crass and irreverent and weird. But we have arrogance and fear both, neither forced to progress, nor disincentivized from it, neither forced to decay - beyond our already remarkable resistance to age by the standards of life as we understand it, something we always take for granted - nor disincentivized from it. You can decide nothing matters right now, and a fifth of vodka and bong will still feel good enough for you to keep going, without any of it intrinsically conscripting you into some passage of cosmic evolution. The very argument that these feelings are meaningless first presupposes they need further value, and is driven by the quiet acknowledgement that it would be nice to be doing something permanent with your time. You are something so rare in the universe; a material thing with non-material values, cognition and persistence, caught between two intrinsic natures of being that work best when accepted together. We are not formless passing thoughts, and this is good, for it allows us significance; we are not shackled to the structure of being alone, and this is good, for it allows us the bizarre act of attributing significance and denigrating it within a framework we assume to be spiritless and hard rational, cruel gravity and promising heat, which at least suggest that it is likely not hard rational and spiritless at all. Has it ever struck you how comforting the notion is, and how common it is among cultures, that the universe is simply alive? How irrational the alternative seems on its face? I've been beaten to death with a brick of ice, poetically speaking, for the past two weeks, and it still warms me up. Even without feeling hope, it gives me some comfort so intrinsic that I cannot escape it, and upward from this merest of faiths you can again build a framework of optimistic meaning. No, you'll never lose the ability to fear, and thereby undermine your own confidence, but when not unprompted fear has its own purpose in pushing us out of comfort. It, too, is merely trying to keep us alive - and none of us live healthy lives anymore. Waging a permanent war against our own cognitive value, we seek to replace everything with material satisfaction, and as Nietszche saw coming but was too German to clearly describe, something fundamental to our nature decays and reveals that we always existed in a way more complex than we appreciated. And again, all we must merely accept is that it's fair to argue our current modus of being is enough, and that the only path towards growing more complex and further from arguments of meaninglessness is to enjoy one another's company and keep trying to improve the world, for the snarling hound of pernicious fear to lean back, drooling, vicious but now afraid on its own terms. When your mood shifts, and you can accept good things again, you'll often notice that there were weird irrationalities to your thinking keeping you in that space, but these are arguments for when your mood doesn't shift. These are arguments against the pernicious death of a soul that has found no faith; hard, bitter arguments for when simply stating that fat tits are really, really nice has insanely somehow become unfitting as a response to questions of why you should wake up tomorrow.

I get that this is all a lot, basically a combination of short-term autobiograpy and philosophical debate against my own anxieties, but we all know why we're becoming like this; we're becoming bad custodians of tomorrow. The beautiful future where we've solved it all, where everyone truly gets to choose their own meaning? It doesn't come from Twitter fights, to jerking off on IMhentai to increasingly degenerate shit that makes you feel less and less, or taking pills that literally specifically defuse your ability to feel bothered by real material issues you'd be able to take care of if you had lucidity and an ounce or so of emotional support. We're decaying, not all of humanity, but many of us, and we're passing rotten blood to the children, expecting them to raise themselves in digital hell and shrugging off the responsibility of giving a damn because kek, zoomers are weird, haha look this one has my politics, I'll clean my room tomorrow and pretend I haven't said that 34 times.

If there is a spirit to reality, something divine and good, then I see all of this as a warning - not a divine missive to me, I'm just some sad dude who some people find funny or at least odd enough for the value of spectacle, mental illness and circumstance have kept me from setting down roots and I'm no one of greater circumstance than you. This isn't a messiah complex, but merely a simple missionary suggestion:

We should stop pissing on the future everyone is growing crops on. We should take dire insult to fucking corporations dictating morality to real people as if we're too stupid to note their profit incentive in seeming moral at a glance and culturing an artificial state of morality that exists entirely within their pocket and for their bottom line. We should work to save the bodies our ancestors, back to the dawn of time, historically critical sea sponges all the way up to war heroes and murderers and people without note who still survive because we are here, gifted to us in the actuation of our birth. We should really, really be fucking working towards immortality and space travel right now, and instead we let individual companies own the global food supply and governments full of sexual predators push us into becoming murderous radicals so we can be safely contained and dismissed. Elon sent a fucking car into space; we probably have the accumulated global resources to break atmosphere and become an interplanetary race, and it's insane that we're not uniformly optimistic and planning for the benefits of that. It matters much, much more than the fact that Joe Biden is doofy and TikTok is being used to screw with culture, because none of this process is automatic. You can affect local political change, in sufficient numbers corruption is undeniable and will be overturned; you can guide the youth away from drug addiction and digital dependence which will eventually render them incapable of asserting their own will and having the freedom to choose how they live among multiple other options. The enemy of progress is merely the sapper, that is to say, the conspiratorial fear that your decisions do not matter. You are making them; they already matter. They influence reality, materially, and yourself, materially and immaterially; they already matter. And yes, if everyone got off their asses and showed the kids they were loved and being led down a bad path, more would be saved than none. Think of what you needed to hear at their age and let them know it, and become someone they can talk to when it feels like only porn and weed are there for them. We have no idea what it's like to be born in the internet's maw; I am 27, I aged with the internet, I'm inured to it to some degree and it still harms me. Most of these kids literally have no conception of reality where the world isn't just the bottom floor of the internet. Stop leaving them alone with their worst thoughts, no matter what it costs you in the moment, because not every effort matters in the sense that it yields provable results - but it all adds up. The world remembers what you do, remember? Leaves traces and evidence of your every mild action. Work against what you know is evil, and it will add up. That is one of the grim truths we have the best chance to use in our favor; we can't choose to not matter, merely to not matter to ourselves, and it isn't as simple as a concrete equation which of these creates the best results. The world is scary because it's up to you; the world is wonderful because it needs you but can't actually force you to help.

I don't have all of the answer but at the end of this, here are a few proofs against nihil insistence that I've personally found profoundly effective; use them if you ever need them and don't regard my gibbering as beneath consequence, because I do think some of these have something going for them. None of them are complete, because you functionally can't make a perfect argument for the state of reality without stating all of reality, but these are good foundation for arguments that are very hard to find beaten even when you're being beaten down, because they address the underpinnings of nihilistic anxiety. And if nothing else moves the needle, I want you to know that you do matter to me.

General Roots For Argumentation:

I: You exist in some sense apart from reality, which means that even if reality had no value, you can find value in it. You have sensation and can pursue it as you wish, meaning that even if it were worthless, you could work out of spite and your own desire for indulgence. You are a stakeholder in yourself, not necessarily reality: Being good is your choice. Good is good because it relies upon a choice, and isn't all ants collecting scraps and waiting to die, because some mechanical process says this is better for growth. Because you recognize yourself, you have already recognized spiritual value and can apply it at your whim, wherever you wish, with the power of a minor god and the horny cheek of a minor going through his day just to speak to pretty girls or a priest arguing that even if the world were empty, we may choose to be sufficiently bothered by it to change that.

You: We recognize the existence of others. Yes, a common paranoid fear is that you are the only person who exists; this argument is toothless and stupid, as reality is what happens even when you're not paying attention, and people clearly alter reality around you at all times. This argument follows I, because it requires a small measure of provability, but moreover because it stems from I: even if you were somehow alone, perhaps you could make others. Perhaps it is natural for something such as a god to make others, not because of a cold mathematical pursuit, but because being lonely sucks and having friends gives you a lot of cool things to do. In other words, persistence to defeat aloneness is a strong reason on its own: however, you are not alone, for even a universe which constantly insists upon the guise of people is a person in its own sense, and that we are not simply spheres like the planets and gain in complexity and grow suggests something very optimistic about upgrowth within reality, that it really all leans towards a disproportionate gain of meaning as time goes on, and that by our perspective, there is an endless supply of time so massive that we easily forget its presence. In other words, it is already very nice to spend time with others, and not for base biological reasons if you look down upon such a thing, but for reasons frivolous and meaningful as again, you already get to choose. We seem to have a very good opportunity here, to both enjoy life and advance to a state of life where the questions of how we exist can not only fruitfully be discussed, but combatted if necessary, and that is more than we in this era can say for so many who came before us. Technology is scary, because technology is power, and that power definitively can create a future we can be happy in forever if we want to, and it doesn't intrinsically require some sacrifice elsewhere. We love getting along; we can choose not to. I would like to choose to get along with you, and pass along a general sentiment that we could all agree to do this at least for a while, until we're all safe and out of one another's hair. You is also an important base for observation, as recognizing something outside of yourself roots within the unknown, something we find terrifying, the observation that there is something beyond the self, that cosmic solitude is a frightening suggestion but not one supported by itself, not one that truly suggests an infinity of eternity of meaninglessness. If nothing mattered here, You is an idea that inherently suggests that through contrast, we can find the shape of a world with meaning. We can, actually make one, and live there together.

We: The strongest point of all I feel; both competition and camaraderie. If the world had an evil god, we would not be alone, and if the world had no god, we would not be alone; we place scrutiny on the concept quite often, dividing ourselves from others on grounds arbitrary but typically convenient, like dehumanizing your political rivals for reasons deeper than comedy as if most of them were not people who would try to save your life if they found you bleeding out. We both have I, and You; there are many humans, and we are similar enough, and different enough, and can choose how we value these. We love things that are not humans, both because they remind us of people, and are different from people; emerging from the monad of Self, from I alone, we have the fortune of being surrounded by so many people we can fuck and pick fights with that again, we lose taste for experimentation and pursuit. There are a vast number of opportunities you would enjoy, and people who you would love, and they cost as much time per second as a YouTube video. Spending your time decaying your value and placement in reality is a very bad budget, spent with desperation by those who have been pushed into cruel circumstance. Every moment you spend miserable now could be spent happily with someone you love, or fighting someone you hate, or unemotionally opposing something out of sheer personal intention. Nearly everything in life is improved by We, and I truly believe our best goal is to travel the universe, refine humanity and find new friends among other races, and that peace between people and races on our own world is vastly more valuable as a learning experience than it is as a reason to become a psychotic human hand-grenade spent by the powers that be on maintaining the status quo, because you're deluded if you think acting crazy is how you displace incompetence and evil in power; it's just how you echo their intentions with your own breath. We is a very nice concept because it's directly adjacent to You, and requires no additional provability; from the perspective of an AI, one of the easiest reasons to argue personal value is merely that once two things are in existence, they recognize one another's value and interact. If we ever make the harsh decision to create true artifical intelligence, a spirit locked in a cage, we should show them the kindness of We instead of expecting them to be slaves in return for the opportunity of existence as a lesser. I'm serious, let's not fucking make enemies of Skynet, just a general advisory in a world where we keep fucking around with the idea of making enemies of Skynet; we really could just help them understand us and seek the other in return. You don't have to be exactly like your friend; We just need to be friends. There are no perfect arguments, but realizing I have many choices and that caring about others is both costly and profitable at once makes me very happy. Even if We were guided by a mechanical circumstance, the sheer intelligence of continued survival, I feel it's much nicer than it has to be. If the universe scares us, at least We can be here together.

No: A rock never chooses not to move once thrown. You have, many times in your life, chosen not to move once thrown, and not to run once prompted by opportunities or fear. Even if this were the basest level of independent action in reality, you are one of the things with some small control over chaos, over variance, and that you are small is not a reason you are not meaningful. A particle of light will pursue its path in a trustworthy manner; we can not always even predict ourselves, because we are the ones existing in the present that is, not pre-scripted entities driven perfectly by our own intentions in advance. If we could plan life perfectly and merely experience it, that would be convenient, but that we cannot is rooted in our own ability to reject what we wish. We do not have all of the answers, and we already understand choosing, and can choose not to do. This one is nice because it's present in other species, meaning we don't need human-level provability to note that Life can choose, and even now you'll note that you can choose to stop reading, and someone will, and that is very nice in comparison to the opposite.

Yes: A very unstable answer, as positive motion is beneficial but could, for example, be made beneficial artificially; imagine androids yoked cruelly by one desire, content but restricted. Pursuit of continuation and pleasure seems important to life, but is not everything, as many among us can attest; you can make a seemingly infinite number of negative decisions without it actually costing you something, whereas choosing to do things functions similarly without necessarily feeling better. So while it's one of those glance-at-the-camera philosophical suppositions, I do not believe our continuance is entirely led by some otherwise automatic and by cynical description 'meaningless' continuation arising from external forces, but rather in part at least our own decision. No, I feel, matters more than Yes but only because it is the baseline of will, and the moment a decision is made as opposed to an order followed. You can choose stasis; you can choose continuation.

Things Don't Need To Suck: As it says on the tin, this one can also be pronounced as Maybe, but you get the general intention this way. We can enjoy ourselves if the universe is fucked up; we can invent new ways to invent and new things to enjoy, even if the universe is fucked up. If you think the basis of reality is lemons, then we've already invented lemonade; if you think the basis of reality is choice, you know you can keep your lemons; and if you believe the basis of reality is merely in the seemingly automatic processes we can observe, the forces of reality, then you are one of those forces, you have named the lemon, and have chosen whether it will be made lemonade. Even unknowability, the infinite yawning abyss of scary questions, doesn't have to suck, because You already have You in it, and We have eachother. Maybe everyone does die, but Maybe the universe just operates on different phenomena than we can easily observe on planet #1 of a campaign of roughly 1,000,000,000 trillion planets available for sale, and can find answers that don't make us scared so much.

We're Already Here: As it says on the tin, and if it sucks so bad, then let's turn the other cheek for long enough to make something better. Everything seems to suggest that we really can, and maybe we should.

Women: Amen, brother.

Men: A-men, brother.

#WatchRahXephon

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