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kpopfanfictrash · 4 years

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TAOM Drabble: The Party

Author: kpopfanfictrash

Pairing: Jungkook / Reader

Word Count: 1,611

Rating: PG-13

Summary: An accompanying drabble to The Art of War More. This drabble takes place during Y/N and Jungkook’s kiss at hockey house, as well as the immediate aftermath (aka what Seokjin said to convince Jungkook not to follow).

[ PART OF MY JUNGKOOK BIRTHDAY DRABBLE GAME ]

You had to be the most maddening person alive.

Only an insane person would actually be mad at Jungkook for purposefully losing a game of beer pong to you. Only an insane person, or maybe a drunk person – which you were dangerously close to becoming, based on the volume of beer you’d consumed.

Jungkook recognized the fact that he was also insane, since instead of being annoyed by this fact – as he rightfully should’ve been – he just kept staring at your lips and wondering what they would taste like.

“You’re the ridiculous one here, not me!” you complained, your brow adorably crinkled.

Jungkook shook himself free from his stupor.

“Oh, yeah?” he shot back. Then, he sighed. “God, this conversation is stupid. You drive me crazy – you know that?”

“Well, same!”

“Great.” Fuck – Jungkook was staring at your lips again. With great effort, he forced himself to look you in the eyes. “Anything else you want to say?”

He expected you to cuss him out, maybe tear him a new one, or swear at him about his parentage, so your sudden hesitance came as a surprise. As was the determined way you stepped forward to tilt your face up to his.

“Yeah,” you breathed, almost in a daze.

Jungkook’s entire world seemed to slow. He was able to feel the heat from your body, the warmth of your hands when you reached for his face. As your fingertips brushed over his cheekbones, Jungkook stared wonderingly back at you.

He had imagined this many times prior, but most of those times had been on desperate nights spent alone in his bed when he couldn’t sleep, couldn’t think about anything but your smile, or your scowl.

When you reached up to press your lips against his, Jungkook seemed to short-circuit.

A strangled noise tore from his throat – did that really come from him? – and he tried to reconcile your touch with reality. Luckily, his insanity only lasted a moment before he came to his senses and wrapped both arms about you.

Tugging you forward, Jungkook’s spine hit the wall and he pulled you between his legs, kissing you fiercely. You shivered when one of his hands brushed your back, which ripped an arrow of fire straight through his chest.

Swiping his tongue at your lip, Jungkook demanded entrance and when you parted beneath him, his knees seemed to buckle.

He’d spent so long not touching you, not even letting himself think about touching you, that now that he had you, he seemed to lose control. Skimming your cheek with his thumb, Jungkook moved his lips to your neck and kissed slowly down your throat.

When your hands wound their way into his hair, he couldn’t help but moan. His two weak spots had always been his hair and his nipples. Jungkook started to drown in your kiss; he imagined you siphoning off pieces of him to leave something better behind.

As soon as he grasped the enormity of this moment – he was kissing you, after all – Jungkook roughly pulled back to rest his forehead to yours.

“Y/N,” he breathed, his voice graveled and strange.

When his eyes finally opened, he saw you staring at him and – instead of his hopeful desire mirrored back – Jungkook saw something inside you which made his heart stutter. You looked at him panicked, uncertain as his gaze roamed your face.

“Y/N?” Jungkook managed to ask. “Are you okay?”

Suddenly desperate, you wrenched yourself from his grasp. Jungkook faltered, feeling cold without you.

“I – yeah. I’m fine,” you said, although you clearly were not. “Just… fine.”

When you spun around, shoving your way towards the door, Jungkook felt his heart tear in two as it sunk to his shoes. He remained frozen for a moment, staring after you and then he tore himself free to plunge into the crowd.

Jungkook rose up on tip-toes, peering over the party to spot you by the door. He pushed himself in your direction, calling your name, although you did not seem to hear.

The further he moved, the higher his heart lodged in his throat. He’d fucked this all up again, somehow. Somehow, Jungkook had made you bolt and he couldn’t even fathom how he’d make it up to you now. It had taken him so long to get you to look at him again, to get you to smile at him again, to get you to trust him again.

Freshman year, Jungkook had been such a shit after you went home with Jimin. Now he knew Jimin meant nothing, but Jungkook had been too prideful and stupid back then to let you know that he cared.

Heart pounding, Jungkook shoved his way towards the exit. He had almost reached you when a hand closed over his bicep, yanking him sideways.

Pulled from the main room, Jungkook found himself facing Seokjin. “Not now,” he grunted, trying to shove past. “I need to talk to Y/N.”

“It’s about Y/N,” Seokjin said, grabbing his arm again.

Gritting his teeth, Jungkook evaluated the situation. He could definitely overpower Seokjin if he had to, but it’d take longer than convincing Seokjin he had good intentions.

“I need to go after her,” Jungkook said, whirling around. “I just want to talk. Promise.”

When he met Seokjin’s glare, Jungkook nearly recoiled.

It was strange to see Seokjin wearing an unpleasant expression. Jungkook knew Seokjin as the affable guy, the funny guy who got along with everyone and whom everyone liked. He’d never seen Seokjin as the type of guy to pick a fight in the middle of a party, but Jungkook was quickly reassessing that statement.

Finally, Seokjin let go. “She doesn’t want to talk to you,” he said, somewhat heated. “Whatever dumb shit you said, she doesn’t want to hear it.”

“What I said?” Jungkook asked in disbelief.

“I saw you two making out, JK.” Seokjin’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t know what royally stupid thing you said after to make Y/N run, but whatever it was, you can save the apology for tomorrow. Let her cool off for tonight.”

“I – but...” Jungkook gaped. “All I said to her was her name!”

Seokjin faltered for a moment. “If that was true,” he said slowly. “Y/N wouldn’t have run away like she did.”

Somewhat desperate, Jungkook glanced over Seokjin’s shoulder. He no longer saw you standing with Gina by the door, which made his heart twist.

“I don’t know,” he groaned, turning back. “I really don’t know why she ran. I don’t know what I did to make Y/N angry. Please, Seokjin – I just want to talk to her.”

The longer he looked at Jungkook, the more Seokjin’s expression seemed to shift. He no longer stared at Jungkook with open distrust, but rather uncertainty.

Still, Seokjin held his ground. “Give it one night, at least,” he sighed, rubbing his neck. “Maybe you’re right and you did nothing wrong, but Y/N still looked upset. Give her some time to cool down.”

Chewing on his lower lip, Jungkook glanced again at the door.

You had looked upset – which made Jungkook wonder why. Why had you looked so utterly torn? That wasn’t the normal reaction Jungkook got after kissing people. It wasn’t the sort of reaction anyone hoped for after a kiss, which made Jungkook wonder if Seokjin had a point.

If you really didn’t want to talk to him, maybe Jungkook should leave you alone.

The instant he thought this, a protest rose to his lips. This was exactly what Jungkook had done several years ago – he had left you alone and pretended not to care – and look where that had gotten him.

Still, he couldn’t help but see your face again in his mind. Your stricken expression, the panic in your voice as you dashed into the crowd – if you really had no desire to see him, Jungkook shouldn’t keep pushing you into something he wanted.

“You’re right,” Jungkook said at last, leveling his gaze with Seokjin. “I don’t want to upset her any more. But I’m not giving up,” he declared, making a decision right there. “I’m not letting another stupid misunderstanding come between us.”

Spinning around on his heel, Jungkook marched into the crowd and left Seokjin standing, somewhat bewildered on his side of the room.

Yanking his phone from his pocket, Jungkook flipped to your messages and scrolled to the bottom. The last text you sent him was a simple ‘okay’ in response to the house address Jungkook had sent you earlier.

Coming to a stop, Jungkook’s thumb brushed the screen. He had typed and re-typed that message several times, debating whether to add something more personal before deciding against. Now, he wished he’d been a little more forthcoming about why he really wanted you here.

About why Jungkook always seemed to want you near. It was more than just wanting to be friends with you, more than the begrudging cooperation between two detectives. It was about how Jungkook couldn’t stop thinking about you, couldn’t stop dreaming of you and each time someone said your name, it felt like a physical wrenching because he couldn’t say your name how he wanted.

He had finally said your name that way tonight and then, you disappeared.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Jungkook took a deep breath – and when he opened them, he composed himself enough to send a text.

Jungkook: Y/N, are you okay? [12:15 AM]

Jungkook: please talk to me [12:15 AM]

Jungkook: please [12:16 AM]

#bangtanarmynet #btsbookclub #jungkook fic #jungkook fanfic #bts fanfic #bts fic #bts drabble #bts fluff #jungkook fluff #jungkook drabble

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isnt-it-loverly · 4 years

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Fall of Rome// five hargreeves

warnings: blood, alcohol, implications of you know what, mentions of panic attack, and pregnancy

summary: when you learn a shocking truth, you look back on your life to see where it all went wrong.

requested

word count: 2436

A/N: Did I work on this instead of my school work? mmm yeah. Am I gonna regret that later? mmmm yeah. Was it worth it? mmm yeah! ALSO very important!!!! Flashbacks are in italics and Five and the reader are 25ish when rescued by commission

You thought the apocalypse was bad but this was far worse. Sitting on the dirty floor of some rinky-dink motel, clutching that stupid piece of plastic you screamed. How could you have let this happen? How could you let those two lines appear? You closed your eyes tightly and pictured where it went wrong.

You woke up with a gasp, pain radiated throughout your entire body. You sat up with tears involuntarily streaming down your face. Your surroundings were nothing but rubble and fire as far as the eye could see. You coughed and a few drops of blood spilled over your lips. Clutching your side, you stood up.

“Hello? Anyone?” You yelled. There was no response other than the crackling of fire.

“Mom! Dad! Please, I’m scared,” You cried in anguish.

You sat on a pile of rubble and waited for anyone to come. That’s what your father always told you to do when you were lost. You wailed for hours until your voice went hoarse. You whimpered, and somehow you knew that this is where you were gonna die. You slowly laid down and excepted your fate, you would not be a sole survivor. You just simply didn’t have it in you. At some point, you had drifted off to sleep but eventually awoken by something fiddling in your pockets. You bolted up to see a young boy in a dirty and tattered school uniform, looting through your jacket pockets. You both jerked back and let out shrieks of terror.

“Holy shit, you’re alive?” He asked in utter shock.

You simply just nodded, too shocked to say anything. So you two stared at each other for a moment, both very unsure of how to proceed. The boy cleared his throat and held out his hand. You took it slowly and very cautiously, still dazed from the day’s events.

“My name is Five,” he stated with a small smile, “what’s yours?”

“I- I’m (Y/n),” you rescinded in a meek tone, voice still ragged from your hours of yelling.

That’s where it all began, but that was too far back. Meeting Five was no regret either. He saved your life, and you saved him from being alone. You searched your memory again, trying to find the exact moment that altered the course of history.

It was a cold, winter’s night, the snow was falling down at a million miles an hour and the wind was screeching like a million sirens. Luckily, you and Five found shelter in an old wine cellar that had managed to stay untouched. It was underground and it provided great shelter from the harsh elements. Five had built a fire and you suggested to drink some of the wine for that rush of warmth being drunk provided. Both options sounded amazing. You were snuggled up next to him, bottle in hand, and head on his shoulder.

You watched as the flames dance around the kindling you found. There was a comfortable silence between you two. If you weren’t living in Hell, this would be a perfect moment. You felt a shiver run down your spine and Five instinctively pulled you closer. He was always like that with you, at first it had bothered you how he treated you like a porcelain doll just waiting to break. But as the years went on, He relaxed a bit. Realizing that you were tougher than you looked and that perhaps you were with him for the long run. Boy, had he fallen hard for you. Even if you weren’t the last girl on earth, He would always find a way to be with you. You were the one good thing about the apocalyptic future.

He just wished he had the courage to tell you. Sure there was this unspoken bond between the two of you, you both cared immensely for the other. He was there to hold your hair back when you got sick, you were there to patch up his wounds, he was there to comfort you when the nightmares came, and you were there to sing him to sleep when they plagued his mind from time to time. He had to make sure you knew how he felt, God forbid something happens without you knowing how much he loved you.

“(Y/n),” He spoke softly into your ear bringing you out of your trance.

“Yes?” You respond, gazing deeply into those beautiful emerald eyes.

He didn’t know what to say. How could words describe how he felt, there were none. He leaned in closer, your faces mere inches apart. He took note of every detail of your face, the scar above your eyebrow, the dirt smudges on your face, and the redness of your nose from the cold. God, he wished he could take you away from this place. You didn’t deserve it. He placed a hand on your cheek and you nuzzled into its warmth. It was now or never he told himself. He broke that microscopic gap and kissed you. You were surprised at first, but you quickly kissed him back. It was like electricity and a million fireworks going off all at once.

That was the first of many. You had loved him long before that and was very grateful that he felt the same. From that day on, everything was different. You two weren’t just two traumatized adults making their way in the world anymore, you were lovers. That made the world a little more bearable to be in, and it definitely made life a whole lot brighter. You decided that wasn’t it, there was nothing wrong there, and you wouldn’t change a thing.

Five had been nervous and finicky all day, something very unusual for him. You were getting worried honestly. After twenty minutes of watching him pace back and forth and ramble to himself, you decided to intervene.

“Five, dear, are you okay?” You asked obviously concerned. He would get like this when pining over an equation but he would always come to you for comfort. This was something new and something was off.

“Everything’s fine. Why?” He said instinctively putting his hand in his pocket. Something you noticed immediately.

“Empty your pockets,” You replied unamused.

There was a silence before he spoke up again. “No.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said no, (Y/n).”

“Say it again so I know you’re serious.”

“No!”

Without a second thought, you lunged for his pockets. There had never been any secrets between you two, so you weren’t going to start now. He quickly blinked out of the way. That little cheater! You made a dash for him, and he did the same. Five managed to pin you down pretty quickly but was careful not to harm you in any way.

“Are you done?” He asked with a hint of amusement in his voice.

“No! Not until you tell me what you’re hiding Hargreeves!” You snap back.

“Fine,” he grumbled in defeat.

He helped you up and began digging in his pockets. He pulled out a diamond ring attached to a silver chain.

“I found this ring in the rubble. I knew it wouldn’t fit because of your inhumanly tiny hands. It took me months to find this necklace for it. Everything had to be perfect. So what do you say?” Five explained nervously.

“I say, I would love to be Mrs. Hargreeves,” you replied while crushing him in a hug and showering him in kisses.

No, that couldn’t be it either. It was definitely not the proposal you had imagined when you were a little girl, and there was no grand wedding in the apocalypse. That didn’t matter to the two of you though, all you needed was each other. You tried to think harder because to you all of this was meant to happen, you had come to love your little makeshift life in Hell. Then it hit you. The day that she came- the Handler. The day that she gave your husband a chance to leave the apocalypse, but not you. Luckily Five didn’t take her up on the offer, not if you weren’t by his side. Eventually, she cracked and you two were recruited for the Commission.

You looked in the mirror. It had been so long since you had seen yourself, you almost forgot what you looked like. You ran fingers through your hair, it was soft and plush. Your stomach was full, and your face free of dirt and debris. This felt wrong. Nearly 15 years in an apocalypse, and suddenly you were tossed back into civilization. You felt a sob escape your throat, what had you two gotten yourselves into. You heard a knock on the bathroom door, and composed yourself quickly- this was no place for weakness.

“(Y/n)? Can I come in? You’ve been in there for a while,” Five asked, worry evident in his voice.

You muttered a quiet yes and your husband lets himself in.

“Ya know, I’ve never seen you not caked in dirt and blood. You were beautiful then, but this is just a whole new level,” He said grabbing your arm. He carefully examined where they had placed the tracker, it was still bruised and he assumed sore. He placed a tender kiss around the area.

“And it’s been quite some time since I’ve seen you clean-shaven and with a fresh haircut. And never in a suit, so much more dapper than those schoolboy shorts you used to wear,” You said while placing a hand over his heart, feeling the crispness of the fabric.

He hummed in response and pulled you into a tight hug. This wasn’t easy for him so he knew it was hard on you. You breathe in smelling his cologne, what a change from the smell of fresh earth. You felt him place a kiss on the top of your forehead.

“We have to get going. Our orientation class starts soon, and after I need to give you a crash course in combat before our first mission,” He said while pulling away. You nodded in response. Surviving this place would be nothing compared to the apocalypse.

Yes, you thought, now we are getting somewhere. This is the fall of Rome. This is where your life began to crumble. That sense of security and the smallest ounce of normalcy gave you comfort and confidence. That was dangerous. That was it! That’s why you were in so much pain right now, that’s why your marriage could crumble, and your life terminated.

The mission had gone sour fast. You hated every minute of it. You hated every aspect of it. You hated this life. You hated your life. You didn’t want to kill someone who wasn’t your target, but they got in the way. They threatened your life, but even worse they threatened Five’s. You had no choice.

Sitting on the crusty bed of your motel room, Five hands you a bottle of tequila. “I know you’re more of a wine gal, but I think you might need something with a little more kick tonight,” He said quietly, carefully unscrewing the cap for you.

Once again you felt like that porcelain doll, except this time you had broken. You took a huge swig and Five did the same. He sat the bottle down and sat behind you. Carefully rubbing your shoulders, you let out a small sigh.

“I’m sorry that happened, Love, I should’ve been quicker,” He whispered into your ear.

You picked up the bottle and took another long sip, loving the burn as it slid down your throat.

“It’s not your fault, we got the job done. That’s all that matters,” you said in a monotoned voice.

Five hated this. He wanted to take you out of the apocalypse and give you a better life- but this is not what he envisioned. He hated how The Handler has made you into a killer, he wished he could keep your hands clean. Sometimes that wasn’t an option. You turned to face him, the flush of alcohol clear on your face. You kissed him deeply and passionately.

“Make me forget,” You whispered in between kisses.

And one thing leads to another. One drunk night in that stupid red dress, and now your life was over.

You stared at the pregnancy test, two lines. Shit. How could you be so stupid and reckless, how could you have let this happen? You hated yourself even more now. You couldn’t stand being in this life, so how could you bring a childinto it. The tears fell freely now, you had royally fucked up. You were so engrossed in your thoughts you didn’t hear Five walk in.

“Honey, I’m home,” He chided jokingly.

Your face paled and you felt like you were going to be sick. He was back early, you thought you were going to have more time to figure out what to say and more importantly what to do.

“(Y/n)? What’s wrong?” Five asked, quickly rushing to your side. He dropped to his knees and wiped away all of your tears. You clutched the test tightly so that he would see. Your hands were shaking too much though for him not to notice. He reached for your hands and you didn’t have it in you to stop him. He let out a gasp and looked straight at you.

“You’re pregnant?” He asked in disbelief. You nodded and let out another loud sob, without missing a beat Five pulled you in close. He whispered words of comfort and stroked your hair. He told you it was going to be okay, but you couldn't fathom how it would be.

“I’m so sorry Five, I’m sorry,” you cried out. He pulled you away so he could look into your eyes. The fear behind them was evident.

“This does put a crunch on time, but I swear to you I will figure out those equations and stop the apocalypse. We will have a normal life, I promise,” He said in a loving yet forceful tone.

“You’re not- you’re not mad at me?” You whispered.

“No, I’m not mad at you. I love you (Y/n), with all my heart. I won’t let anything happen to you or this child,” He said pulling you into a tight hug.

Your fears melted away, and you pretended that this was a normal moment. No impending doomsday, no time-traveling assassins, just two people in love who are cherishing a new chapter in their lives. You closed your eyes and imagined a future. It was bright, and you knew that Five would never break a promise.

“I love you too,” You smiled back.

#number five #five x reader #number five x reader #five hargreeves #five hargreeves x reader #five #five x you #Umbrella Academy #number five x you #The Umbrella Academy #aidan gallagher

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inthedarkofficial · 3 years

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Stats at 25

I did this at 18 and at 21 because they felt like milestones, and... well, so does 25, I guess. It's going under this time though, because you know what that is? Growth.

Novels Written: In the Dark (no, really, it's done this time!), Dragons, In the Flames (which was meant to be In the Know), and I'm about 31,000 words into the real In the Know

Poems written: 40+

Agent Rejections: 21 this year alone (and I at about 30 total? Fuck)

Agent Requests: On their way, of course

Works planned: 15 novels, 4 short story collections, 1 encyclopaedia. 1 poetry collection, 1 short play, 1 nonfiction essay.

Publishing credits: 1 that we talk about (FourxFour baby!)

Characters: where do they keep coming from?

Lives lived: Why did I phrase this in the past tense? It's still happening

Life path: One step at a time, but an author, always

Books Read: Not as many as I'd like

Books to Read: A lot more than I'd like

Concerts seen: 27

Grades in piano: 3 (why do I keep including this?)

Memories: Treasured and painful and apparently something I have to fight for

Time: Lost all meaning this last year

Nickname: Still going by Padfoot, call me Roro and I will cut you

Clothes: So! Many! Clothes! but they make me feel better than ever

Style: It changes every day because I change every day

Friendships: How did I make new, incredible friends during a lockdown? I don't know, but gods bless D&D

Parents: We survived together in one house locked down for over a year, I'm so grateful for them

Family: I miss you Kali. I miss you nan. I want to hug you, Maddison. I want to give all of you a hug, honestly.

Enemies: I'm still coming for you, Derek

Sexuality: I keep looking closer and closer to see what the ins and outs are, but I'm bi and queer and that's enough

Gender: I fucking came out as genderqueer and I've started playing with pronouns and gender presentation and honestly? Never felt better

Hair colours: Literally could not tell you anymore. How many? Who knows. I want another.

Education: A in 11+, 2 A* and 8 A GCSEs, 1 A* and 2 A A Levels, 2.1 English Literature Degree, and I will finish this fucking proofreading course! Also, that masters degree is really calling me like a siren...

Tattoos: 2, and as soon as Covid allows it, I'll be getting more

Continents : 3

Countries: 10

Cities: I clearly counted this wrong and now? no clue

Homes: About to be 9!

Places to visit: I just want to go and see (and meet!) my friends, honestly

Vaginismus: Diagnosed! Fucking diagnosed!

Dilators: size 2!

Relationship status: Not going to be fucking decided by what some fucking Western doctor thinks I should be using my vagina for holy gods.

Standards: I want to be loved right down to my scalp. I enjoy my own company too much to settle for less.

Tears shed: My eyes hurt

Laughter: My ribs hurt

Jobs: 5, +writer, always. Fingers crossed for some sweet, sweet income soon though.

Readings: More! Let me do more! Covid, you bitch!

D&D campaigns: 1 abandoned, 1 shelved, 2 ongoing, 1 beginning soon

D&D Podcasts: R.I.P. Edge of Night

D&D characters: Where are all you stupid bisexuals coming from? (Not you, Caleb, we're thrilled to have you here)

Clean: Been a daily struggle this year. Not quite succeeding sometimes. But never fully relapsed. I can be proud of that.

Mental health: Ups and downs, but I'm taking back control

Physical health: Ready to fight doctors, but I'm getting there

Height: 5′2″, do I really need to keep recording this?

Shoes size: 3 (uk), I totally need to keep recording this

Weight: Most days I like my body, and that's a big improvement

Puns: cannot count how many times I got kicked out of skype calls this year

Beliefs: Maybe it's better to have ideas, but I've found names to give power to, powers to give love to, I have principles I live by, the faeries in the garden still get offerings, hawthorn trees carpet the garden in flowers, and I am enough. The worls is on fire, and full of people doing harm for no reason, so it's hard to believe that the world is good, but my life, at its core, is a good life. And I'm so grateful, even when things are hard.

Happy memories: even in the darkest and hardest of times, I have had moments of pride, and moments I felt loved. I know what unconditional love is. What could be better

Sad memories: Reclaimed, remembered, and not going to fucking control me.

How the things I planned to do at 21 panned out: actually learned what it takes to find an agent and though it took longer than I planned, I am now doing that process. Gave up krav maga, no regrets. Did finish my third novel (at least, first draft), then learned it was the wrong novel. But I did write a whole other novel. Graduated UEA with a 2.1. Successfully left Norwich and never have to fucking return! Have done freelance editing work and got a job at Debenhams, though Covid fucked those a bit. Wrote that fucking dissertation and it's fabulous. Did see Hamilton. Did put more hats on Cicero before he broke (but he's now getting repaired!) Decided a TEFL was an insane idea, I hate teaching. Did, indeed, continue to live and did a whole lot else.

Goals at 25: Keep submitting to agents, finish In the Know and work on the faery books, continue my physical and mental health journey, keep working with the dilators, move into my own house (!), find a steady source of income, start getting my poetry and other writing out there, finish my vaginismus article, visit my friends, get a new tattoo, keep volunteering at Pride, play enough D&D to justify all these fucking dice sets, get Cicero back, keep building the life I want.

Life at 25 years: when I wrote my "Stats at 21" post, I didn't know how much denial I was in. I'd totally repressed the memory of being sexually assaulted and I didn't even know about a condition that I've just learned has likely been impacting me in multiple ways all my life. I hadn't even met a person who would become one of my best friends, and then my boyfriend, and then my ex, and then totally out of my life by the time I write this. I barely knew the guy who is now one of the most important people in the world to me. I was only beginning to question my gender. I'd not questioned my sexuality in years. I've been through counselling, learned to stand up for myself, worked on so many projects I couldn't even imagine being a part of back then, been on a huge vaginismus journey that's still on going, started playing D&D, went to the graduation ceremony I never planned to attend, and I'm about to have my own house, just to point to a select few things. There's been a global pandemic (still ongoing), movements and trials that helped me find my truth and broke my heart, Brexit fucking happened, I lost my best, dearest and oldest friend (I love you Kali) and my nan... I could not have imagined what 25 would look like on the night I turned 21, just like at 18, 21 was impossible to picture.

So I guess... hi future Rowan. Happy 27th birthday (of course it's going to be 27). What does your world look like now? Did we fall in love? Did we make good dilator progress? How's the house? Did we decide on kids? I cannot begin to wonder what your world looks like, but I swear, I'm working on making it good.

"Soft and slow/Watch the minutes go/Count outloud/ So we know you don't keep them for yourself." - Halsey

#personal #rowan rants #bisexual cancerians who talk to trees day #no one should feel any inclination to read this #I am simply allowed my little public journalilng rituals #as a treat #july 3rd

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silverlightqueen · 5 years

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k-pop opinions

so y’all I was watching some unpopular kpop opinion videos on youtube and omg, a bitch has so much to say like they were all just so wrong, so here I am with some of my opinions (and idk how to make youtube videos so you’re just gonna have to settle for this)

disclaimer: if you disagree with any of my opinions…. I don’t care lmao

1. BTS vocal line is fantastic and versatile

I’m not gonna claim to be a musical expert here, but all four of the boys in the vocal line are so talented. everyone hypes rap line (and they deserve it too) but I rarely see stuff about how amazing vocal line is, and they’re so versatile (examples = Jin in Awake and Dionysus, Jimin in Lie and Serendipity, Taehyung in Stigma and DNA, and Jungkook in Boy In Luv and Begin). also, to those who say BTS can’t sing well live, here are some videos to prove that wrong

Hold Me Tight - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsQget6baP8 (Jimin’s high note though🤩)

Fire - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbSy36fu6Pk

Save Me - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BN-atw8wCw

Spring Day - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMqmnhgNLXY (ft Hoseok’s beautiful vocals too)

Stigma - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwoPKn_qh8k (Tae literally ate a CD before this, idc)

Let Me Know - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIKjNauCHzc (another Jimin high note)

Awake - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gCt0UlkMZU (my favourite Jin performance of all time)

Begin - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqUejlb0z1o (JK’s stability also needs a shoutout because damn, he could be running a marathon and his voice is still stable asf)

Euphoria - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4oRxgvoDCc (that little switch up he did in the bridge whilst flying through the air omg)

2. Twice’s cute concept suits them and that’s it

before I got into Kpop, I used to just see at as cringy bubblegum pop and never saw myself liking that. and then I heard Twice’s Fancy. that shit slaps and I won’t hear anything else. the girls pull off the cute concept so well, and the outfits and mv visuals are amazing like Twice is owning it. I’m not really a Twice fan but I’ve listened to some of their other title tracks and I think they’re really good, like Twice do the cute concept really well. also, Mina, Sana, Nayeon and Jihyo’s vocals during the bridge give me chills, they sound amazing)

3. if idols can’t sing/rap/perform well live, they shouldn’t be idols

I’m not aiming this at anyone in particular, so don’t get mad and start defending your faves in the comments, but the whole kpop culture is live performances. idols do live performances all the time, much more often than western artists, and so it is so important that they can perform live well. this includes vocal stability, volume, strength, breath control, everything.

4. stop putting female artists in dresses/skirts so short that we can see their shorts underneath

performing live to an audience is hard; I know, I’m a dancer, and I’ve done it (not to audiences as big as ones of k-pop artists obviously, but the point still stands). when you’re onstage, you want more than anything to feel comfortable so you can give a performance to the best of your ability and feel proud of yourself afterwards. I’m sorry, but I find it hard to believe that these female idols feel comfortable dancing in clothes that are so short and so tight. they can barely move properly, which limits the effort they can put into the choreography, making them seem lazy. I’m not saying this because I disagree with sKiMpY cLoTHiNg but I just think it’s ridiculous and must be uncomfortable for the female idols. it also limits the complexity of their choreographies, which is when you get shitty, boring and unentertaining choreographies, in comparison to some boy group choreographies. I’m sorry, but if I was following certain boy groups performances at an award show with a simple choreography like ddu-du ddu-du (no shade, I love it, it’s just simple), I’d be a little bit embarrassed lol

5. Blackpink have so much potential and YG just doesn’t use it

I don’t even know where to start. there isn’t a single blackpink song out there that I don’t like; their vocals and rap are good, choreography and visuals are good, everything is good. but they could be so much better. first of all, Rosé’s voice is so beautiful and unique and I don’t know why they make her sing in that stupid voice. it’s going to start damaging her voice soon enough and I don’t know why they do it. second, Jisoo’s voice is so amazing and she always has the least lines. I just think her voice is beautiful but she’s so underused in their songs. third, Lisa is such a good dancer, but the Blackpink choreographies don’t do her justice. they need to give her little solo bits in the choreos or something because her talent is just going to waste.

6. Blackpink are overhyped

controversial, and before y’all start, I love Blackpink like tattoo blonde Jennie in the KTL teaser on my forehead please, but it needs to be said; Blackpink don’t deserve the hype they get. this point links in with the point above because omg they literally have like 15 songs, and they’ve been around for like 3 years. they haven’t even released a full album like damn YG be clowning us, stanning a group that’s never released an album. I’m sorry, but they get so much hype, when there are other groups out there, that are so much more versatile, their choreographies are better, their songs are better, they’re just better in general. I’m not blaming the bp girls for this because we all know it’s YG’s fault. if maybe they had the chance, with better choreographies, better songs, better everything, then they would be deserving of the hype they get

7. STOP SENDING HATE TO BLACKPINK WHEN IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT, IT’S YG THEY’RE THE MOST HATED ON GIRL GROUP AND THEY DON’T DESERVE IT LEAVE THEM ALONE

8. NCT 127 line distribution is a joke and I don’t know why it hasn’t been spoken about more

the fact that in Regular, Taeyong and Mark both have more than 30 seconds each, and Winwin doesn’t even have a full 5 seconds is ridiculous. in Cherry Bomb, Taeyong and Mark both have more than 40 seconds and Johnny has less than 9. SM need to distribute lines between them more effectively, or cut down the members in the group (and one of them is a much better choice than the other). they’re all talented but SM only seems to recognise Taeyong and Mark and idk why tbh.

9. being told to stan someone will make me want to stan them even less

no shade at the group themselves, but all I see on twitter is Loona stans saying to stan Loona (it’s not just Loona but that’s the one that comes to mind). you telling me to stan them doesn’t make me want to stan them. I’m sure they’re super talented and nice people, but I now have no desire to find that out for myself.

10. ARMY are constantly being shit on for being a nEgATiVe fAnBaSe when the majority of ARMY are amazing, generous and kind people

obviously, every fanbase has toxic fans, that goes without saying, but for some reason, ARMY has a reputation amongst the kpop community for being toxic and negative, and I just don’t see it. every time someone who doesn’t know about BTS tweets about them, all the replies are ARMYs gently and kindly educating them, giving them links and pictures so they can learn more. they’ve donated so much money to charity and done so many charitable things under the boys names, and the ARMY community is just full of amazing wonderful people. stop shitting on us for no reason, y’all just hate us because your faves probably like them too lol

11. you can’t call yourself a stan of a group if you don’t like all the members

in my opinion, I don’t see how someone could call themselves an ARMY if they don’t like all of BTS, a Once if you don’t like all of Twice, a blink if you don’t like all of Blackpink, an EXO-L if you don’t like all of EXO, a NCTzen if you don’t like all of NCT, etc. imagine the members’ reactions, like I just don’t think you can be a stan if you don’t like all of them members.

12. FANCY IS A BOP I KNOW I’VE ALREADY SAID IT BUT I DON’T CARE, I WILL LISTEN TO IT ON REPEAT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, LIKE I’LL PLAY THAT BITCH AT MY WEDDING LMAO

13. please stop putting people into groups just for their looks

like I’m sorry but how can you put someone who can’t sing/dance/rap into a kpop group, make it make sense. by doing that, it also teaches people that you can get far based on your looks and your looks only (and don’t start bringing models into this because y’all know damn well it’s not the same thing). I get the idea of a visual, sure, but if they can’t sing or rap as well, what’s the point?

14. STOP CALLING NAMJOON AND JIN BAD DANCERS. THEY MUST HAVE SEEN THAT SHIT ON TWITTER (AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THAT IHEART RADIO THING) AND HOW DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES THEM FEEL AFTER THE YEARS OF HARD WORK AND EFFORT THEY’VE PUT INTO THEIR DANCING. THE FACT IS THAT THEY CAN PROBABLY DANCE BETTER THAN MOST OF Y’ALL SO SHUT IT AND LET THE SYNCHRONISATION IN SAVE ME AT KCON TALK INSTEAD

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bija-HneHNI

15. Not Today’s line distribution is still a joke and I will never get over it

Jin has less than 5 seconds and JK has over a minute. I don’t think I need to say anything else because y’all should agree with me

16. kpop culture is so toxic and then y’all wonder why locals call us crazy

fanwars, solo stans, streaming wars, ‘maybe they should’ve stanned ___’, etc. are just some of the things that back this statement up. not just the culture with stans, but also the companies and idol lifestyle is really bad, overworking idols is one thing that bothers me, but mainly the whole weight thing. the fact that trainees literally starve themselves to fit the companies’ standards is so wrong and disgusting on so many levels. people don’t have to be stick thin to be successful like I don’t understand. it’s so unhealthy, it puts lives in danger, and it also encourages fatphobia.

17. STREAM EPIPHANY BITCHES ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIkZOLsnoqY )

18. you’re allowed to stan one member of a group, but hating on other members of that group or liking all members and hating on one is trash and you deserve no rights if you do that

that’s it from me, discuss and debate with me in the comments or drop me an ask (but don’t bother sending hate bc i’ll just ignore you lol), if this doesn’t flop I’ll do some more bc god knows I've got enough to say...…. um stream epiphany and fancy bye

#kpop #kpop opinions #bts #bts opinions #twice #twice opinions #blackpink #blackpink opinions #nct 127 #nct #nct 127 opinions #nct opinions

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dammitadolfnomorecake · 4 years

Text

CSUAPR PRT 17 START.. middle... nearly end?

"Get up!"

Waking with something rudely smacking into his face, Keith groaned miserably as he peeled his sleepy dust riddled eyes open and glared at the offending object that had hit him in the face. Pants... Why in quiznak's name was he being hit in the face by a pair of pants, when his head was throbbing like a base drum and some kind of alien fur creature had set up residence in his mouth? Blinking himself to full consciousness as he yawned, Keith had no idea why he was in the bathtub, or how he'd ended up being filled with the desire to burrow back down into the bath and try for another several vargas worth of sleep. Not when the tub was so damn uncomfortable

"What happened?"

Trying to gather spit in his mouth, all he seemed to do was make the taste lingering there worse. His stomach was making rumbling noises, yet the mere thought of food was enough to drain the colour from your face

"I'm not surprised you don't remember. You got yourself wasted doing shots with Krystaal, before sending Lance into a panic attack. He's fine, thanks for asking. Already up and at the festival with Coran. We have a Paladin panel in 15 doboshes, so time to shower and get your shit together"

Groaning, Keith closed his eyes and let his head drop back against the rim of the bathtub

"I'm allowed to have a drink or two"

"Tell that to your pregnant husband"

Now, he may just be remembering things wrong, but Lance was the one who told him to go

"I'm not having this fight with you. I feel like shit"

"Good. I wanted to take him out and cheer him up. Instead he ended up going to bed alone"

The coldness coming from Shiro wasn't entirely unexpected. Maybe he had over indulged. It certainly felt like he had

"Don't throw that back at me. You're not his husband"

"No. I'm not. He was in a vulnerable..."

"He's always in a vulnerable state. He had a damn nightmare and ended up in the air vents yesterday..."

Hurled up out of the bathtub suddenly, Shiro dropped him. Keith barely keeping from falling over backwards

"What the fuck!?"

"Lance is your husband. The man you spent years in love with. The man who is absolutely crazy about you"

"I know that!"

"Then why aren't you getting your shit together!? You're going to be a father!"

"I know!..."

Screaming at Shiro, Keith's world swam. Sinking on to the edge of the bath, he buried his face in his hands

"... I know. But I don't know how to be a father. I don't know how to be a father, Shiro. I don't know how to care for a baby. I don't know how to change a nappy. I don't know what to do for a fever. I don't know... I don't know what to do!"

Shiro's sighed heavily as he sat down next to him

"Is that what this about? You're scared about being a dad?"

"Wouldn't you be? I'm a mess. I'm turning 26 and my life is a mess. My husband won't take his medication. He keeps having panic attacks. He keeps testing me without me knowing it's a goddamn test until I fail... and... Shit, Shiro. I don't know what I'm doing. We can't even make a marriage work. How do we make a marriage and kids work? What does that even look like? He lives for his job. It's more important to him than the health and safety of our babies. Maybe he was right about having an abortion? He's not well. He's not mentally well. He's not physically well. He's hallucinating or his nightmares are out of control. He's got it in his head that the same people who raped him are back. What the quiznak am I supposed to do with that? And mum... God... She made it seem like having kids was awful. Really awful. Vomiting. Fevers. Teething. Sleepless nights. Shit storms... I can't take twins on missions. I don't know how to sit still. I don't think we're ready for this. I don't think I'm ready for this... it's such a big thing. These two tiny lives are going to be dependent on us. An ex-junky as he calls himself, and a Blade member. When things get hard... Lance doesn't have that drug crutch anymore... I don't know what to do if he won't listen to the doctors. If he's not going to try. Why am I going to try?"

A very long and pregnant silence hung in the air when he was finished. With each passing tick it was like Shiro was readying himself to explode, then his voice came out dead level, not relieving Keith of his anxieties

"Have you tried talking to Lance?"

"He doesn't want to listen. He thinks he got this letter yesterday. He thinks we're all in danger and he got mad at me for saying it was probably a nightmare. It was right after Curtis left. He was freaking out because Curtis being cautious on the other side of the door scared him. You know how he gets. You know he gets paranoid. There was no evidence of anything like that..."

"It's not paranoia if someone is actually out to get you... You raised the same issue with something happening at the awards ceremony. Now that it has happened, you're rejecting it because you can't control it"

"I can't control anything... I don't know what I'm doing and talking to mum only made it worse. I love him, but she... She made me see how... How far I have to go"

"Rather than getting drunk with Krystaal, yes, you got drunk with Krystaal as in shot for shot, you should talk to your husband. Lance is feeling all these same anxieties. He loves you, but you're running from him. Talk to him. He might not have been up for talking yesterday, but try. Try until he doesn't have any other option but to answer. I was scared when I took you on, but we turned out alright, didn't we?"

He'd gone drinking with Krystaal? Keith could very very vaguely kind of remember running into him... He'd been feeling bad about leaving Lance, but he was sure that Lance had imagined the whole thing. His husband was mad at him, and he was mad at him for being mad at him. He'd been so happy to see the twins, and now he was terrified. Absolutely and completely terrified... He didn't Lance being danger from someone new and unknown. He also didn't want their lives together to suddenly be upheaved. The twins would change everything. The twins would change everything and he didn't know how to have a family. Shiro was right, they'd done alright, but Shiro hadn't needed to wipe his arse or had to go through hours of potentially life threatening labour...

"I don't want to hurt him"

"You already are, by running"

"Running is all I know how to do... Running after him. Running into battle. Running after you"

"It take two to make a baby, or twins in this case. There are thousands and thousands of people out there who can never have what you two are going through. Don't take any of it for granted. If you're scared, or if you don't want this, you need to talk to him. You need to let him know where you stand. And you need a shower. You reek like you bathed in that stuff you were shooting. We've probably got about 5 doboshes to be there. Best get a move on"

Running to make the panel on time, Keith and Shiro we're both confused by the sight before them. There were five chairs, for five Paladins, except... in the place of Allura a photo of her sat, occupying one of those spaces. Behind the chairs was a series of banners featuring the faces of the Paladins framed by a thick band of colour responding to the lion they flew. Black for Shiro. Black and Red for Keith. Yellow for Hunk, then Green for Pidge. Allura was in the place of the Blue Paladin... and no signage for Lance. None... It wasn't Voltron without Lance. Lance was the heart and soul of Voltron. They'd never come together if not for him.

Joining Hunk, Pidge and Lance, Coran was a few feet away yelling at some event coordinator who'd failed their job over the lack of Lance's presence. At least that was what Keith thought at the time. Opening his mouth to greet his husband, Lance seemed to have prempted the move as he'd disappeared over to Coran's side silently. Elbowing him, Pidge had mischief in her eyes

"I hear someone got drunk yesterday"

"Shut it, Pidge"

"Oooh. Touchy. Yelling about how you and Lance were married... Galactic social media is buzzing with it"

Keith frowned at Pidge. If he was yelling how much he loved Lance, or was married to him, then why was he so mad at him

"I did what?"

"Yep. Right in the middle of your drinking match. You lost me GAC. I expect you to pay up"

"You were betting on me?"

"I would have put all my GAC on Lance, but he wasn't there to bet on"

"Whoa! Hold up. You would have bet on Lance? I'm so confused right now"

Pidge rolled her eyes at him with enough sass that the eyeroll didn't seem limited to her eyes alone

"Lance works in bar! How many times do you think his customers challenged him to drinks!? How many times has he partied himself to sleep? You can't work in a bar and be a light weight!"

"I tried to tell her that Lance doesn't drink that much anymore, but Lance sided with her. Are you ok, man?"

Joining in on their conversations, Hunk ignored Pidge nodding enthusiastically, most probably because Lance had agreed, or so he gathered by her gesturing to Lance

"I'm fine. I have no idea what we were drinking, but it wasn't that all pleasant to wake up to. Why is there no place for Lance?"

Hunk sighed

"Lance said that Allura should be on the panel, as it was her sacrifice that saved us all. He said he didn't need a place, but Coran wouldn't let him back down from this. Now they're trying to make a spot for him, despite the fact he doesn't want to be here"

Playing it cool, Keith raised his eyebrow, hoping to make the action seem natural

"Did he say that?"

"Not in so many words... I thought he liked his time being a Paladin..."

"That's stupid. He's obviously having too much fun being a bounty hunter. Plus, he's probably struggling with this whole situation. I mean, this is a festival to celebrate his dead girlfriend"

Hunk gaped at Pidge, his face loosing some of its colours as his cheeks turned a faint pink

"Pidge! You can't say that in front of Keith, he's his husband"

Shrugging, Pidge wasn't fazed

"Minor detail"

"No. No. No. Major detail!"

"Keith isn't complaining"

"Because Keith loves him. Right, buddy?"

"Yeah..."

Keith didn't want to be roped into this argument. Pidge started laughing, the noise grating on his throbbing head, her arms wrapped around her waist as she struggled out

"You could sound more enthused! What? Trouble in paradise? Are you in the doghouse for getting drunk without him?!"

"Ok, guys. That's enough..."

By standing behind him, and placing his hands on Keith's shoulders, Shiro drew their attention

"We're here to be Paladins, which means putting our game faces on. Do we have any details of what were actually doing? Coran forgot to fill us all in..."

Pidge pulled herself together, sounding almost disinterested as she related

"He forgot to tell all of this. They ran a "question" box for us the past couple of days. We're going to be given a tablet with questions for each of us on it. We don't have to answer all the questions, buuuuut it's going to be broadcast live across the universe. I've got Matt filming it. I can't wait to see how Keith acts with all this attention"

Crossing his arms, Keith scowled at Pidge

"I know how to do my job"

"Just because you know how to, doesn't mean you won't be awkward as hell..."

"Pidge, why do I feel like you've bet GAC on my performance"

"Because I have. Ooooh, look. It's Lance and Coran. What a convenient excuse not to continue this conversation"

"Pidge!"

Pidge was the picture of innocence as Coran and Lance joined them. Lance standing half behind Hunk, refusing to meet Keith's eyes, as Coran filled them in on what was happening. Space had been made for Lance, by squashing them all slightly. The table was made for 5, not for 6. Lance wouldn't hear of Shiro not being on the panel, despite the fact that Keith had ultimately spent more time as the Black Paladin than Shiro had. Before he was ready, Keith was falling into line with the others, a holopad pushed into his shaky hands then the next thing he knew he was walking on to the stage where camera flashes blinded him.

Panels were horrible. Panels were horrible enough when sober, doubly so when hung over, and triply so when your husband was sitting beneath a photo of his dead ex-girlfriend, at the opposite end of the panel where he had no chance of talking to him. They were married. They were married and the whole quiznakking universe knew it... So why weren't the happily married couple together? Lance didn't seem to mind. All of their group were already laughing and deep in a four way conversation that had gone right over his head. Keith was out his depth completely. He had no idea that their questions were being screened behind them as they answered, he had no idea that the question time had hit him, and he had no idea of the words on his holopad were actually English because his eyes felt ready to fall out his head. In his own way, Keith was developing a new appreciation for functioning alcoholics.

Keith was in trouble. With the eyes of thousands staring in the direction of his husband, several long ticks had passed since Keith's holopad had started to glow around the sides. Sitting in front of a crowd and answering questions was not how Lance planned his day going. He wanted to sit down and discuss what had happened the previous day with his husband. That was the only way he was going to find some form of mental relief from his racing mind. Despite feeling angry each time his gaze moved to his husband, Lance cleared his throat

"Sorry, guys! My husband isn't great with crowds, but that's just something else about him that I love. Now, his question is..."

Craning his head back to read the question he made a goofy show of it. It was probably for the best Keith wasn't on the ball

"What was the worst part of being a Paladin?"

Moving his right thumb and pointer to his chin as if stroking an imaginary beard, Lance hummed. He loathed this attention. He loathed playing at niceties, but knew he had a job to do. He Lance playing Leandro, who was playing Lance. It was the only way he could cope with the public spotlight

"The worst thing... Oh, boy! Coran's cooking... the first time he cooked for is... I thought he was trying to kill me! Then there's the time in the middle of the night when Allura would run practice emergency drills... I guess the worst thing of all is that despite Allura's sacrifice, the fact that if she hadn't given her life none of us would be here right now... The worst thing is that we're still fighting while we're trying to recover. And all the little people we couldn't reach in time... but when living on the Castle, it was definitely the time Coran tried to cook for us. I'm sorry Coran! You're our awesome adopted Uncle, but us humans have a weird diet... I think we all would have gone crazy if it wasn't for Hunk's culinary prowess"

Flashing the crowd his best smile and finger guns, Lance hoped he'd done enough. Pidge was agreeing now, Keith's holopad was no longer glowing, Shiro leaned back to give him an approving nod, and Hunk was blushing. Reminding himself that each question moved them closer to the end, he looked down to his own holopad.

After half a varga, they were all sweating. Pidge was being an angry little gremlin, at the point of threatening to murder the sun because she was done with this heat. Everyone knew the best way to store their little anger muffin was to sit her in a cool dark corner with her tech. Lance was feeling it too. His head felt sinus headache gross, his body suit might keep him cool for the most part, but worked best when his mask was up, which it wasn't, so the rest of him wasn't feeling that great either. No matter how much water he'd drank down, he only felt more and more dehydrated. Feeling his holopad grow warmer as it started to glow, he nearly dropped the device on the table as he vomiting into his mouth. His question being "How did it feel to work for Ambassador Klearo? What do you do now?". It was a simple question. Any number of fans would have seen the broadcasts of him standing behind the man. It didn't mean that he wasn't panicking. It didn't mean simply seeing the image of the man didn't bring all the memories flying back. Lance couldn't do this... Leandro... Channel Leandro

"Well..."

God. His heart was hammering so fast it felt as if it was going to flying out his mouth

"I own a club now, out on Erathus. It's pretty nice there, and safe. The place is called "The Gilded Cage"... We wanted to create a safe place for travellers in the area. My friend Th'al runs it... Um... other than that... I'm Keith's husband and it's pretty much a full time job keeping up with him... it's simple and nice"

That funny feeling was spreading through him. His holopad cooled as the colour left. Thumbing through the message list, every message submitted was listed, then chosen at random. That one message soon turned to half a dozen... of Klearo... and the look on Lance's face as the abuse had begun. The fear in his eyes. The disgust. The loathing of every piece of bullshit sprouted from the piece of shits mouth. Then blank emptiness. The change in his expression was almost haunting. It was as if you could see the time it crossed the line. When his whole being had shattered beneath the man, and the men who'd sexually abused him. As he scrolled up, in the hopes of finding evidence that he was being targeted, blood dripped onto the screen. Wiping at it, a second drip landed on his finger. Raising his hand to his nose, drops of blood rolled down his fingers. The holopad falling from his fingers to land on the table, the screen glitching before turning black.

"Lan..."

Starting to say his name, Pidge realised his nose was bleeding. The woman fishing out a handkerchief from nowhere and pushing it up against his nose so hard Lance was actually pained by the action. Sitting next to him, it was only natural she'd notice. She'd no doubt been caught in a cloud of his stenched up emotional scent, causing her to be more focused on her surrounds

"Sorry folks! Even us Paladins are only human! How about this heat!?"

Covering for him, Lance was immediately grateful to Pidge, she didn't need to whisper to him to get out of there as she put herself out her comfort zone, it went unsaid like a silent agreement, Lance hightailing it off stage and straight into Coran's waiting embrace.

Led away from the stage, and into the background work space where the transmission was being monitored, Coran sat him down on a flimsy fold out chair, forcing his head down between his knees as his nose bleed steadily worsened

"One tick my boy. I do believe you're the one who taught me that trick with the cold compress"

Lance didn't think that placing a cold compress on the back of the neck was much of a trick, but with how overheated he felt, he'd take a cool anything right now. It was strange how he'd longed to feel something more than cold all the time, his condition had forced him to pay constant attention to his body. Knowing that even if he couldn't feel the effects of the heat internally, the rest of him could. It was like his soul had been frozen, then disconnected from his body, causing a strange disharmony between the pair. It was another reason he'd found himself wondering, more than once, if he was a clone. Returning with a cold bottle of water, Coran held it against his nape. Lance shuddering as his body rejected the cool relief it offered

"How's that?"

Lying smoothly, Lance nodded

"Better..."

"Ah... We'll give it a tick to kick in. I'm sorry about what happened out there, my boy. We left the questions open..."

"Coran..."

There was a gentle plea in his voice

"You're right. Perhaps now isn't the time"

Now wasn't the time. Never was the time. Those memories were fucking with his head enough. What he saw as clear evidence between the photos he was sent, and the messages on the holopad, he feared bringing up with anyone. As he'd reasoned, the others would too. A fan could have meant no offence, though a fan wouldn't have sent as many messages as they'd had. Hopefully when he had the holopad back in his hands, he could prove to his husband he hadn't been lying... Not that he should have to... No. No. He wasn't going there. He'd briefly bumped into Krolia who'd apologised for Keith's drunken behaviour, explaining how she and Keith had had the "baby talk", and explaining how Keith felt displaced by her coming child. Lance didn't need the talk to know that. It was hard for Keith. Keith didn't know what or how to deal with it. Still. He knew from personal experience that alcohol wasn't the answer. Not that he would turn down a stiff drink, or a dozen right about now.

Opening his mouth to reply to Coran, Lance was on the ground before he knew what happened. One tick he was there, feeling quiznak, the next Coran's face was peering into his and Lance felt as if something had zapped every ounce of energy from his body. Neither of them had thought about the sudden and drastic change in body temperature triggering a seizure. Tasting vomit and blood, he wished that was the end when it came to bodily fluids, only... down his legs was wet and cool. His suit catching the mess he'd made, while he'd been out of it long enough for his piss to cool. Blinking sleepily at Coran, Coran smiled softly at him as he tucked a stray hair back from Lance's face. This wasn't the first, second or third time he'd thrown up. The first and second because of his pregnancy, the third because he'd worked himself up simply opening his medication bottle

"Seizure?"

Slurring heavily, Lance's voice failed to reach his own ears

"Yes, my boy. A little over 45 ticks... Keith will be here soon"

Coran sounded like he was speaking through fog. He was kind of blurry. His neat orange hair blurred like a fire on his head

"Sorry..."

"Enough of that... rest..."

He didn't want to rest. He was ashamed of his body betraying him in a tent full of strangers. It didn't matter that they were towards the back, mostly out of the way. He was supposed to be a Paladin, which meant staying stronger and never letting the public see your weak side. His mind might have felt like a sludge sundae, but his thoughts had to get that final blow in.

"What kind of an idiot puts something ice cold against their skin when they overheat! You're lucky your heart didn't stop!"

Cleaned up by Shiro and Keith, mostly Keith with Shiro's support, Pidge was the first to scold him as she and Hunk joined them in his and Keith's room. Laying with a cold towel folded over his forehead, Lance had agreed he was an idiot in a series of "mhmm" and "uh huh" until she finally ran out of appropriate questions. Shiro stopped her when she started to tease he and Keith, and given he was tired and somewhat sooky, he didn't feel like admitting how nice it felt to have Keith holding his hand. Having spent the last half varga chilling, Lance was ready for a nap, but Pidge and Hunk had decided that hanging around and scolding him needed to morph into a group hang. So Lance contented himself holding Keith's hand, and feeling Shiro's solid presence on the other side of him. There was a feeling that he'd forgotten something, but for now he was happish... or okish... scared, yet safe. Everyone in the room with him knew he was deeply scared by Klearo, each of them in their own trying to be there for him without making it too obvious.

When Kosmo teleported into their room with a bark, his fur son decided that the best way to greet them all was to let out the most horrendous silent fart, that sent Pidge and Hunk scrambling off the bed as they gagged. Pulling the wet towel over his face did very little to diminish the stink as Keith echoed the others movements and deserted him. The loss of his hand felt immediately. Whimpering at the connection between him and husband being broken, Shiro stuck his hand under the towel and pinched his nose as if Lance wasn't perfectly capable of doing so himself. Dimly he could hear Keith scolding Kosmo, Pidge laughing and Hunk still gagging. Yet they all felt so far away from him that he and Shiro may as well have been stranded on an island. Kosmo, immune to his own stench, laid happily over Lance's legs. His tail thumping in time with the throbbing of Lance'd head. Unable to stank the stink, Pidge and Hunk only lasted a few moments before opting to bail, Lance deaf to their leaving as he was hyperfixating on the feeling of Shiro's hand against his nose. His trauma well aware that a hand to the nose meant soon water would be poured down his throat until he nearly drowned, or did and they were forced to revive him. He was starting to panic, his body too sleepy and leaden to fight off the man's hand, his hands weakly gripping at the sheets beneath him. Gasping like a reeled in fish, his body finally decided it had reached its limit, allowing him to pass out.

The moment Lance's gasping met Keith's ears, the half-Galra was abandoning his futile attempts to scold Kosmo over the fart bomb he'd dropped, and rushing to pull the towel from Lance's face. Who needed Lions or Bayards, when your cosmic wolf could clear a room with just a simple fart. As Shiro released Lance's nose, Lance lay deathly still, his chest barely rising as Keith held his hand above Lance mouth to check his husband was still breathing

"Keith?"

"Shut up..."

With a gentle exhale, an inhale didn't follow. Keith placing his head against Lance's chest to find it wasn't rising

"Fuck! Don't you dare, you stubborn arsehole"

Lance was vulnerable. He was vulnerable and Keith hadn't thought that Shiro's touch would send his husband into a panic. Not with the way Shiro was sitting right next to him as if he rightfully belonged there. Not with the way Shiro had supported Lance's weight while Keith peeled off the layer of his husband's clothes then wrestled him out his stupid body suit. Lance was so out of it, he wasn't sure that Lance had any physical strength to protect himself, and usually when in that state would only allow him to touch him, yet his husband didn't seem to care he was naked in front of Shiro. He didn't shy away from Shiro's supportive hand on his hip. No. His husband had leaned into Shiro's touch, sending bitter jealously blooming. He was the only one who was allowed to touch Lance's body. Him. Lance had said so. And despite Shiro being happily in love with Curtis, Keith couldn't barely keep down his instincts. He could barely keep himself from taking a swing at his own brother. Lance had ignored him all morning, then Coran had sent some aid rushing to tell him that Lance had had a seizure. By the time he'd gotten off the stage, and down to communications tent, his husband was slurring as Coran reassured him. Blood and vomit were across Lance's fair and hair. His eyes glassy and unfocused. Pidge being the genius she was, had been the one to realise it was the temperature change that had triggered it, yet they all know seeing Klearo again had hit Lance hard. Each of them hated him in varying degrees, but none as much as him. He'd been all for it when Pidge angrily grumbled about hacking the holopad Lance had been using to find out who had sent that photo in, only when the holopad had been retrieved, it'd fallen wrong against the table and fried the memory chip in it. Ropeable, and concerned for Lance, they'd all kind of felt like being there by his side, even if he was sleeping off the effects of his seizure.

Interlacing his fingers, Keith pumped down on Lance's chest, Shiro springing into action when he realised Lance wasn't breathing, moving to give Keith the space to work. Keith gave a dozen panic driven pushes before Lance sucked in a breath, his back arching as his marks glowed brightly. Gasping and coughing, Shiro helped Keith sit Lance up, Lance shaking as Keith grabbed him by the chin

"Lance?!"

"Mnmm?"

"Keith, maybe you should give him some space to breathe?"

"Don't tell me how to handle my husband!"

Snapping at Shiro caused Lance to whine. Keith feeling like a dick for it the moment the words came out his mouth. But... quiznak!

"Sorry. Sorry... something scared him so badly he couldn't breathe..."

"It must have been my hand over his face... when Kosmo farted"

Shiro looked exactly as Keith felt. His face devoid of colour, and clouded with guilt. Guiding Lance into his lap, Shiro helped getting Lance straddled with his nose against Keith's neck. His favourite secure position

"That with having Klearo shoved in his face... Shiro, was I wrong? Did someone send him those photos? someone actually after him again?"

"I don't know. I know he was scared and hurt that you didn't believe him"

"We keep... not connecting..."

"Getting drunk and bottling it up like an idiot will do that. When he comes too properly, talk it out. Or if you still need time to think things out, we can watch him again..."

"I don't know... I don't know how to be a dad. I though we'd have more time"

"No one's ready to be a parent. And it's not as if these are usual circumstances. He'll listen"

"I know he will... that's the problem isn't it. If I repeated anything I said this morning, he's going to bolt"

"At least he wouldn't be stuck wondering about how you feel and if you still want this marriage"

Keith held his tongue. He still loved Lance. Lance was the air to his lungs... but Lance, kids, and work... He didn't know how to juggle it all.

Getting a few vargas sleep with Lance still in his lap, Keith woke with a start. His thoughts spilling into his dream, his mind tormenting him over everything he stood to lose. Starving and thirsty, Keith was surprised to find Lance awake as he carefully untangled his husband's hold on him. The moment their eyes met, things felt all that more awkward between them

"I'm... I'm going to get us something to eat, and a drink. Then I think we need to talk"

Climbing out his lap, Lance nodded. Settling himself into a ball on Keith's side of the bed, his husband rested his chin on his knees, his voice soft

"I'm leaving"

Opening his mouth, Keith closed it just as quickly before giving a half shake of his head. Lance wanted to leave? Walk out on their chance to talk? Or... was there something more to this?

"Stay here for a tick"

To Keith it felt as if Lance was watching his every move as he grabbed up a couple of ration bars, and two glasses of water. Returning to their bed, Lance was at least willing to take the ration bars from him. His glass of balanced near his bare feet. Opening the ration bar, Lance tore off the end with his teeth, eating quietly and ignoring the way Keith watched him. Sighing to himself, Keith did the same, forcing himself to eat half the tasteless bar. They weren't that great, but it wasn't goo

"I think we need time apart to think"

Dropping those words with dead calm, Lance stole his breath

"I think there's some things you need to work out, and I don't want to be on Altea anymore. I talked a little with Krolia. I wish it'd been you who'd explained to me what happened between you and her. Kids. Hey. I get it. It's a huge thing. I can't concentrate on them, me, and walk on nails around our friends. I'm tired of yoyoing more than I was when I was alone. I'm going to ask Krolia to lend me a ship and head to the next training planet"

"I know we haven't been connecting... but we just haven't had the chance. You spent most of yesterday sleeping!"

Quiznak. He sounded far more accusatory than he meant to

"And you spent it getting drunk..."

"Only because you were testing me! I don't know how it turned so shit so fast!"

"I wasn't trying to test you. I reached out and you made me feel stupid. I'm going to give you a chance to think. About what you absolutely truly want. Me. Me and the twins. If you want to take the out. My head is a mess. I don't want to be here. You're still wanted here. You still have things to work out. You should take the time to think it through"

"Don't I get a say? You had a seizure, then a panic attack so severe you stopped breathing. I have to pump your chest until you finally took a breath... We've only been here a few days. You're not taking your medication..."

"No. I've been forcing myself to drink enough water that I go to sleep needing to pee and wake up nearly wetting myself. I've been scoffing down these bars because they're like the only thing I don't throw up. So don't say I'm not trying. You knew I messed up, you told me I could trust you. You made me trust you. And I thought you actually saw me. Now I don't want to fight. I want to think. You don't think I'm scared? I know all the risks with pregnancies because I come from a huge family. It doesn't get that big without things happening... I'll keep your twins safe until you make a choice. I don't know how to be a dad. A little brother and an uncle. A drunk and druggie. I've got that covered. A dad. A mother. I don't know what to call myself other a freak. You make the choice. I can't trust myself anymore, apparently"

The last part was definitely a jab at him. It was the only part where Lance's voice had held any emotion. His husband sounded like Leandro. Leandro when they'd first crossed paths again

"That's not what I want"

"Then what do you want?"

"I don't know"

Lance sighed

"Exactly. We have all this festival stuff happening while trying to fix this mess of a marriage. I hate being in the crowds. I hated being on the panel. I..."

Lance frowned as his sentence stopped abruptly

"You, what?"

"I... no. It's better I talk to Shiro. You should enjoy the festival"

"What can you say to Shiro, that you can't say to me!?"

"I don't know what I can say to you anymore. I love you. I love you more than anything, but that doesn't fix our marriage. I know you're stuck lying to everyone because of me again... I don't want to be a burden on you... but I'm scared. Everything that makes us "us", is going to change. I'm scared. I don't want a life of just... just sex... sleep... eating... and what? I don't know how to settle down anymore. I thought... I thought us having our own home would... we would have... That we'd be together more than we were. I don't know where we're going to live... I'm such a fucking screw up... I can't even keep my husband happy... I was proud... maybe that was it. I was proud of our room and our space. I tried my hardest to make it as relaxing as I could for you. I wanted you to feel at home, but you don't"

Lance wiped at his face, Keith biting the insides of his cheeks. It was his fault. He hadn't spoken up to his mother. He'd thought himself capable of handling everything. He'd thought himself agitated and annoyed, yet he hadn't sought his mother out sooner. He hadn't sat down with her and asked his hours to be cut or to be rotated off the training roster. Even when he thought about it, or grumbled, he hadn't sat down with Krolia and said it sooner. Maybe that had been his pride? Krolia kept giving him work because she was proud of him. It seemed to him that their combined pride had led to things winding up as they had.

"Let me come with you. We can go ahead. We can figure out how we're going to conduct our training exercise. Krolia doesn't really tell us about the planet... so we could think up something before the others come?"

Lance sighed at him

"That's not going to work"

"Why not?! Things only became complicated because of the others. We didn't see them the day of our date... and I thought we had good time?"

"You were practically high on seeing your twins for the first time. Being responsible for these two lives hadn't sunk in... I think it was... it was the best day of my life. You're so quiznakking sweet to me. You treat me amazingly... then... you get stuck in your own head. It wasn't my... I was not trying to test, or you drive you to drink with Krystaal. I wanted to cuddle without talking seriously... I wanted you to tell me how things went with Krolia... I want you to be able to rely on me, Keith. I know my seizures have been hitting frequently, but... sometimes they don't hit for weeks..."

Of course he was high on seeing their twins. Their tiny little noses. Their tiny hands. Their tiny bodies. Their children. Half him. Half Lance... They were barely more than a bunch of cells caused by their lack of sense with contraceptives. But... would they even survive if Lance kept having seizures?

"The pills would help with that"

"I can't, ok! I know they're not the same, but thinking about them... I can't! I'm eating these bars. I'm forcing myself to keep eating!"

Holding his hands up in surrender, Keith knew he should have expected the backlash

"Right. Fine. I'm sorry for worrying. Did you at least eat last night? How did you know I was drinking?"

"Shiro, Curtis, and I had a pizza and beer night. Shiro was trying to make me happy, so we were going out for drinks. He wanted to invite both of us to celebrate his win, but couldn't find you. He made me get dressed up. Anyway, Curtis was waiting outside the tent you were drinking in. I had a panic attack, then begged Curtis to go grab beer and pizza, we came back to their room and watched his win while you slept in their bathtub"

"I don't remember that"

Opening his second ration bar, Lance nodded

"I'm not surprised. You were going shot for shot with Krystaal. I don't know what you were drinking, but when you saw me you started yelling about me being your husband, then got kind of mad... not mad, annoyed? when I was panicking... This is why... This is why I think we should take a few days apart. That way you can get your thinking straight"

Now they were back on that... He didn't want to leave Lance alone. He only needed... a few vargas...

"I know I quiznakked up... but... we're supposed to be talking this out!"

Lance wasn't one to talk with a mouthful, yet the way he was tearing into the ration bar, his husband had seemingly forgotten swallowing and chewing was a thing

"Keith, I can smell the confusion on you! You smelt of fucking rejection yesterday. I've already got a plan for the next planet. Krolia will ok it once we talk it out. I'll be there for like 4 quintants..."

"You'll be alone! I get that you don't want to be a... that you don't want an easy life or whatever, but what if... What if you get so scared that you stop being again? Then what? No. You're not going alone"

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drama-dick · 5 years

Note

Prime numbers for the ask game?

1: Do you have a crush at the moment?

Yeah you could say that, @sureuncertainty

3: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in?

I was with someone for two years but I should’ve broken it off sooner tbh

5: How is your relationship with your ex?

We aren’t in contact anymore, which is totally for the best.

7: Have you ever cheated?

Never!

9: What’s the most important part of a relationship?

*Shouts from the rooftops* HONEST COMMUNICATION HONEST COMMUNICATION HONEST COMMUNICATION HON

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”?

I don’t have a super strong opinion on this, but I think they could be helpful as long as you set expectations and actually communicate again.

13: What’s one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?

I kind of regret not breaking up with my last relationship sooner, it wasn’t working and I would have been happier on my own.

15: Do you believe in the phrase “age is just a number”?

Well people usually use that to defend pedophilia so no. There are age gaps that are okay but there are limits.

17: Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love on the internet?

Of course! I know many happy couples who met on the internet! It’s totally valid!

19: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship?

When there are problems and neither of you are willing to change or communicate with each other. Also when there’s no more trust.

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?

Yeah of course you can. You gotta work and communicate but it’s totally a thing. This question is very Straight(tm)

23: How many relationships have you had?

I’m in my third relationship.

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things?

Ah yes, I do. I probably watch too many movies.

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?

Don’t ever settle!!!! Ever!! If you’re not happy, if your needs are fulfilled, don’t waste your time!!

29: What do you notice first about another person?

Physically, I think I notice a person’s eyes. On a personal level, I figure someone’s sense of humor. Humor is really important.

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness?

Of course not?? I hate this question. I’m not here for this stigma.

33: Do you want to get married one day?

Yes yes yes! I’ve always wanted to get married.

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?

I think I could!

37: What’s more important: Looks or personality?

I mean personality, obviously, but that’s not to say looks don’t matter at all. I’m demi, so that makes sense yeah?

38: Do you enjoy love films?

Oooh I do! I’m a slut for love films.

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses?

Yes I have! But I think I got them after a show, from from an S/O lol

41: What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”?

Oh my gosh, this is so cliché but I’ve always wanted to go to Paris with my partner. We’d go to see art, eat yummy French food, and enjoy some time away. I’m also a slut for Paris.

43: What’s more important: Your partner or your friends?

I don’t like this question!! Both are equally important, just different. You gotta make time for both.

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?

I am currently dating my best friend

47: Which “famous couple” is your favorite?

Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are adorable and hilarious and I would kill for them.

49: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Yike I hope not

51: Would you rather date someone who’s rich but a douchebag or someone who’s poor but a nice guy?

Another stupid question. Money is a social construct and we’re all slaves to capitalism.

53: Are you jealous of couples when you’re single?

Tbh yeah I was because I felt like I was doing something wrong and I was afraid no one would have a crush on me.

55: Would you consider yourself “clingy”, “overly attached” or “jealous”?

Unfortuantly yes, I have had some issues due to social anxiety but I have absolutely improved.

57: x

That’s a hard one, but I’m gonna have to say

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner’s birthday or your anniversary?

Nope, I love birthdays and anniversaries! I am on top of it!

61: Who’s more important: Your partner or your family?

AGAIN I hate this sort of thing. The relationships are totally different, neither is more important especially depending on the family…

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate?

Only if there’s no communication about it, even if both parties are okay with it.

65: Would you consider yourself a “cuddler”?

Oh fuck yes. I’m a slut for cuddles.

Thanks for asking all these questions! About time I got to them lol

2 notes · View notes

aion-rsa · 3 years

Text

15 Worst NES Games of All-Time

https://ift.tt/3y1xEdG

The worst NES games of all time are a truly special breed of bad video games. Say what you will about the downsides of the modern video game industry (and there is certainly a lot to say), but there is, in most cases, a baseline standard of quality ensured by better, cheaper technology, experience, and more controlled distribution channels. You may get the occasional indie game that is basically a scam, but when it comes to major releases…well, even Cyberpunk 2077 was pretty good in a lot of ways.

That wasn’t the case during the NES era. At a time when console gaming was basically the digital wild west, it was incredibly difficult to tell good games from bad ones, and developers often exploited that fact to get us to buy titles that refuse to leave the deepest, darkest parts of our nostalgia all these years later.

That’s the thing about these games. Are they among the worst NES titles ever? Absolutely, but years later, there’s something about remembering the pain of playing them and sharing those memories with others that is strangely enjoyable.

15. Tag Team Wrestling

Even with all of the other bad wrestling games for the NES (and there were many), Tag Team Wrestling manages to stand apart largely by virtue of being fundamentally unplayable in nearly every way you can imagine.

In a dream world where you manage to overcome this game’s all-time bad animations and unresponsive controls, you still have to deal with the fact that there are times when the opponent A.I. difficulty is raised to such a degree that it becomes quite literally impossible to win. If it weren’t for the fact that this game eventually inspired Homestar Runner’s Strong Bad character, it would be entirely worthless.

14. Friday the 13th

There are some who will credit Friday the 13th for being unique and ambitious. We shall not speak their name in this house of truth where we recognize that the Friday the 13th franchise was never scarier than the moment you tried to play this game as a child.

This game’s bewildering map and unforgivable controls were practically designed to eliminate the possibility of fun. It’s easy to love Jason’s weirdly stylish purple jumpsuit in this 8-bit nightmare, but much like Patrick Bateman, no amount of style can hide the monster beneath.

13. Super Pitfall

There’s no shortage of NES games that are difficult to the point of being fundamentally unenjoyable, but Super Pitfall may just be the king of that particular trash heap.

Super Pitfall‘s developers seemed to believe that the reason people love video games is that they offer the chance to listen to repetitive music while dying all the time to obstacles you have little to no chance to avoid. Just in case that level of abuse wasn’t enough to make you love their project, the developers decided to just go ahead and fill their game with essentially invisible items that no sane person would ever find organically despite the fact that they’re required to progress. To it’s credit, this game does recreate the sensation of being trapped in a dank underground cave.

12. Operation Secret Storm

While it almost feels too easy to pick on developer Color Dreams (the studio responsible for many terrible unlicensed NES games, many of which were based on the Bible), Operation Secret Storm is really on another level in terms of all-time bad games.

Even if we can put aside the often blatant racism and bizarre Gulf War storyline, we’re left with a game where control commands are more of a polite suggestion and hit detection is a bug, not a feature. From top-to-bottom, this may be the “best” example of just how bad those old-school unlicensed NES games could be.

11. Where’s Waldo?

You know, it’s pretty amazing that Where’s Waldo? the video game can’t offer an experience comparable to the Where’s Waldo? books considering that the books weren’t exactly the great American novels.

Beating this game will either take you five minutes or 50 years. It really all depends on your ability to determine which of the blurred on-screen figures the game is trying to pretend is supposed to be Waldo. It’s truly impressive that this game manages to botch a concept this simple, but that’s the magic of the NES era.

10. Back to the Future Part II and III

The first Back to the Future game for NES was bad, but at least it followed basic video game logic in terms of its level structure. Back to the Future Part II and III, meanwhile, somehow beats Primer for the title of “most confusing use of time travel in entertainment history.”

To be honest, I still don’t know what this game expects from me. It’s supposed to offer a time travel adventure that spans the scope of the last two Back to the Future films, but I dare you to play this for more than 20 minutes without feeling tears in your eyes and the words “What do you want me to do?!?!” escape your lungs. If it’s not the most unintuitive bit of 8-bit game design, it’s certainly one of the most unenjoyable.

9. The Adventures Of Gilligan’s Island

There are two things worth remembering about Gilligan’s Island: the theme song and how annoying Gilligan was. To its credit, this game nails both of those elements.

This game is basically the result of escort quests and bad comedy games forming an unholy union. Imagine being dropped into a hedge maze and being forced to endure the constant jeers of the dumbest man you’ve ever met while trying to figure out where to go. Also, your legs are tied together. That’s basically the Adventures of Gilligan’s Island experience.

8. Bad Street Brawler

It’s tempting to overlook the golden age of beat ‘em ups for their seeming simplicity, but as Bad Street Brawler shows, it’s very much possible for those kinds of games to go incredibly wrong.

Bad Street Brawler was designed to be used with the NES Power Glove, which should probably tell you everything that you really need to know about what it’s like to try to “play” this game. Manage to master its nearly unplayable controls, and you’re left with a beat ’em up with bewildering visuals and fundamentally unsatisfying gameplay that leave you wondering how the industry lasted this long.

Games

15 Rarest and Most Valuable NES Games

By Matthew Byrd

Games

15 Hardest NES Games of All-Time

By Matthew Byrd

7. Mario is Missing

Look, there are a lot of bad video games on the NES, but there’s something especially insulting about a terrible Mario game on NES that passes itself off as an educational experience.

This game feels like it was made by a dentist who wanted to give young patients a way to pass the time in the waiting room while also making them less afraid of the impending pain. Nothing in this game makes sense, and the fact it fooled young gamers into thinking it was an actual Mario game makes it that much more infuriating.

6. Ghostbusters

You know, it really shouldn’t have been that difficult to make a respectable Ghostbusters game. Honestly, the only way to go wrong is to pass up the more obvious genre opportunities and try to do something weird and stupid that nobody ever asked for.

As you probably guessed, that’s exactly what we have here. Ghostbusters has the audacity to try to be this strange combination of various gameplay concepts when the fundamentals of controls, visuals, and logical progression so clearly elude it. It’s genuinely hard to believe someone had the chance to make a Ghostbusters video game and came up with this.

5. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

There are some who say that you really need to learn to play this game before you can judge it. The fundamental flaw of that premise is that it assumes that there’s a game here that’s worth playing in the first place.

I genuinely can’t imagine what Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde’s developers were going for when they concocted this unintuitive blend of confusing mechanics, overwhelming (yet unimpressive) enemies, and controls that only seem to work seconds before you convince yourself to give up on the game entirely. You can read every guide about this game that’s ever been written to try to understand how its needlessly complicated mechanics work, and they still wouldn’t answer the one question everyone has about this title, “Why are you like this?”

4. Action 52

It almost feels bad to pick on Action 52 considering that it is an unlicensed collection of 52 small games that were clearly made by underfunded and inexperienced programmers working on a project that legally probably shouldn’t have been “released.” Then again, that’s perhaps all the more reason to make fun of it.

Against all odds, not one of Action 52’s 52 games manages to be even remotely playable. These games would have been embarrassing even if they were released for the Atari 2600, but in the age of the NES, they offered young gamers the chance to quickly realize that the world is full of scammers and they will try anything to part you with your money.

3. Deadly Towers

Every NES gamer has that one game they just couldn’t beat and never seemed to understand no matter how hard they tried. Well, Deadly Towers is all of those games of your respective childhoods rolled into one.

There is not a single aspect of this game that makes any kind of sense that I’m familiar with. Imagine you’re trapped in the maze from the movie Labyrinth, but instead of getting to meet sexy David Bowie at the end, you have to listen to Eric Clapton tell you what’s wrong with your generation. That’s about what’s it like to play Deadly Towers. Even if you bother to learn the game’s structure, you quickly find you don’t want anything to do with the “rewards” that follow.

2. Dragon’s Lair

How do you take a game like Dragon’s Lair (an innovative arcade experience that combined FMV visuals with QTE gameplay) and port it to the humble NES? Well, if this port is any indication, you…don’t.

I don’t know if there’s ever been another game that inflicts so much pain on its first screen. I’m willing to bet that 90% of Dragon’s Lair players never figured out how to cross that first bridge and actually enter the castle. That’s probably because the solution to that “puzzle”makes no sense and is fundamentally unenjoyable to execute. Those 90% will be happy to know that the game only gets worse from there.

1. The Uncanny X-Men

Imagine how easy it would have been to make a decent X-Men game for NES. Just take Batman, Mega Man, Castlevania, or any number of the other great NES games, throw some X-Men designs on the whole thing, and you have a game most of us would probably fondly remember to this day.

Infamous NES developer LJN decided to go a different route, though. They decided to make a top-down action game where hit detection is basically non-existent, the music constantly assaults your ears, half of the characters are essentially useless, the graphics are so bad that you quite literally can’t tell where you are or what you’re supposed to be doing, and the AI is useless to the point that I”m pretty sure the in-game characters have become aware of the game they’re forced to exist in and are doing everything in their power to get out.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

There’s no shortage of bad NES games (clearly), but when it comes to wasted potential, this is truly the worst of the worst.

The post 15 Worst NES Games of All-Time appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/2W6PCNC

#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

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dabblinginmarvel · 6 years

Text

Plenty of Practice

Plot: Peter finds out that you’ve been bullied behind his back and he patches you up.

A/N: I hope this is alright, Anon.

Warnings: Reader is physically and emotionally bullied, reader is beat up

Word Count Total: 1615

Long Imagine #15

Title: Plenty of Practice

High school was tough for almost everyone. Puberty, cliques, the whole dating shebang. But for you, things were worse. You weren’t friends with many people and your mixed heritage made it worse.

It also didn’t help that your parents were poor and you had been bullied by the same three boys for six years.

Because the school district didn’t want to get involved further than “talking” to the boys, they continued to bully you and you knew if you defended yourself, you would be the one in trouble. So you sported the bruises and sleepless nights every day. You also had to do their homework because you were one of the highest scoring students in your grade level. It put you in a bad position and on an early path to caffeine addiction.

You hid everything from your friends Peter, MJ, and Ned. They didn’t need to know. There wasn’t anything they could do. If authority figures weren’t doing anything, what could teenagers do?

“Wake up, Y/N,” Michelle said, shaking your shoulder. You swallowed a pained response, managing to get it to sound like a tired grunt. You hadn’t actually been asleep, but you had been dangerously close to dozing.

“I’m awake, MJ. Don’t worry about me.”

“Oh, I wasn’t worrying. I know you well enough that you’ll pack enough worry for a battalion. I just figured you wanted to be ready for the decathlon meeting.”

“Thank you. I appreciate it.” You sat up as much as you could without any bruises bothering you, but it was next to impossible. It had been a stupid idea to try to tell the bullies you didn’t want to do this anymore. They had stopped just short of sending you to the hospital and hadn’t broken anything in your face. It was hard to hide a bruise when it was hard to find the right shade of makeup for your skin tone.

You made it through the rest of your day at school without any incident at all.

You were almost home when you were stopped. It was your bullies.

“So, when am I gonna get that homework in hand, Y/N?”

“I want mine by tomorrow afternoon.”

“How about I just take yours,” said the third.

You gulped a breath and stood as tall as you could. “It’ll be done soon, all of it.”

“Good. You can deliver it in person, too.”

You went to walk away and one of them grabbed you by your jacket.

“Changed my mind, just hand over everything now.”

You pulled your jacket away and turned back around to face them. This would have to happen sooner or later, so it wouldn’t make any difference in pain if it was now or later. “No.”

The leader laughed. “Excuse me? Did we hear you wrong?”

You shook your head and clenched your fists. “I-I’m not doing this anymore.”

“I think you’re mistaken. You’re going to continue, or else we’re going to show you what happens when you disrespect your superiors.”

“I’m not doing this anymore.” Your back was near the alley wall.

The guys looked at each other, then leapt at the same time toward you. You ducked, having prepared for the initial attack.

But they beat you. Later down the road, you would remember being attacked, but not what they did. You wouldn’t remember how long it was or if you lost consciousness at one point.

What happened next, you would remember for as long as you were alive.

Somewhere down the line, one of the boys got ahold of a metal pipe. It was swung toward your head, but a spiderweb caught it. It wasn’t a regular web, it was like a white rope. You heard the metallic thwing as it hit the pipe and looked with your good eye to where it led. The boys did, too. A red-masked figure dropped down from the shadows of the buildings higher up. With the webbing loose, the wielder of the metal tried to strike again.

Spider-Man caught the pipe mid-swing. “It’s not nice to hit people.” He ripped the pipe away from one of the assailants and threw it into the garbage bin.

“But maybe,” Spider-Man stopped a punch aimed his way with one hand and punched with his other hand, “I should make three exceptions. One for each of you boys!”

You wondered if your ears were beyond repair because the masked figure’s voice was distorted

He was on the defensive for the most part, but the boys didn’t get the hint and he finally went full offense, ending with all three webbed to the wall.

“Are you okay?” Spider-Man knelt beside you. The only sound other than his breathing beside you were the boys’ muffled complaints. You opened your eyes to see your protector and turned up one corner of your mouth.

“Thank you,” you said hoarsely. You went to sit up and he helped you. You went to stand to leave and he put the kabosh on that.

“I’m carrying you to your home.”

“No! I can’t let my parents know that this happened!” you blurted, your head throbbing with every word and tears stinging your eyes.

“Where are you going to go?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you have a friend who could help you?”

You shook your head.

He cleared his throat, then said, “I know Peter Parker and I know you two are friends. You couldn’t even go to him?”

“I don’t want anyone to know that I have trouble taking care of myself.”

“I need to make sure you have somewhere to go.”

You sighed. “Peter’s it is.”

He gingerly picked you up, your backpack on his back and you in his arms.

“You’re not going to swing, are you?”

“Not while you’re injured.”

So he carried you all the way to Peter’s. While it was only three city blocks, it felt a lot longer, whether it was due to the pain of your injuries or because for the first time in a long time you felt safe, you weren’t sure. But something about this superhero made you feel safe, and it wasn’t because he had saved you.

He took you up the fire escape as carefully as he could and you were too tired to ask why he didn’t just ask Peter to buzz you both in. He popped open a window and sat you on a bed – Peter’s bed.

“Hold on, I’ll go get Peter.”

“Thank you,” you whispered.

“Just being your friendly, neighborhood Spider-Man.” He disappeared out the door and into the hallway. You laid down on the bed and Peter and May came rushing in. when you saw May, you begged her not to tell your parents. You weren’t ready for that. She agreed and Peter took to patching you up. His brow was furrowed and he was chewing on his lower lip.

“Y/N, I need you to sit up and open your eyes as much as you can.”

With great pain, you did. He shined a flashlight by and you kept your bruised eye pried open with great effort.

“Nausea?”

“No,” you whispered.

“You don’t seem to have a concussion,” he said mostly to himself. “I’ll get you patched up as best as I can.”

“Okay.”

“You might still need to go to the hospital.”

“We can’t afford it.”

“Y/N -”

“Please Peter. I can’t afford a trip to the hospital.”

“At least think about going to the police.”

You sighed, an action that pained your bruised ribs. You had been curled up, back to the wall, when you were on the ground and had narrowly missed a break in your ribs. Your hands were a different story. He gave you pain meds, but they did little to dull the pain.

As he worked, you tried to pay attention, but you felt so defeated that you gave up.

“How do you know how to do all of this?” You glanced down at the arm he was bandaging.

He hmed to himself before answering with the hint of a smile. “I’ve had plenty of practice.”

Your stomach twisted for a moment. “What do you mean ‘plenty of practice’?”

He froze, realizing what slipped out of his mouth. “Oh, uh, just first aid classes.”

You eyed him skeptically for a moment before accepting the answer. “Those must have been very good classes.”

“Oh, yeah. Very insightful.”

Once he was done to the best of his ability, you reached for the water May had brought in. Peter rushed to help you with it and you got some down before pushing it away.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“You’ve done so much for me, I’d hate to ask you one more thing.”

“Anything.”

“Would you come to the police station with me?”

“Yes.”

“Can we go in the morning? I’m not sure I can go right now.”

“Yes.”

So at Peter’s you stayed. It wasn’t unusual for you and Peter to hang out for a long time, so you let your parents know you were staying at Peter’s – not that they would get it right away with their shifts.

Peter and May kept an eye on you, letting you rest, but checking up every so often that there were no other signs of a concussion. In the morning, Peter took you to the nearest station where you made your report, and with the promise that they were going to look into it, you let Peter take you home. Your parents weren’t there and Peter offered to stay with you. You declined and when he protested, you gave in. You were lucky to have a friend like Peter. You weren’t sure you would have made it without him.

- - -

Masterlist

Permanent Tag List (please alert me if you change your username, want to be tagged for only one character, or if you want to be untagged): @abbybills22, @coffeenotebooksandfandom, @dreamer821, @everything-but-the-not-natural, @elxrini, @estelgilvala, @fangirling-equestrian, @feelmyroarrrr, @hellomissmabel, @iamwarrenspeace, @kudosia, @marrvelle, @mindlessnerd89, @mylittlefandomfanfictions, @tea-with-loki, @wkndfrvr, @wxnchestervevo (tag list is open!!)

Strikethroughs are blogs I can’t tag.

Reminder, if your name is not linked and you are not getting notifications you have been tagged, please refer to this guide here: https://dabblinginmarvel.tumblr.com/post/168371559776/strikethroughs-i-cant-tag

#peter parker imagines #peter parker imagine #long imagine

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narutospork-blog · 6 years

Note

naruto ask, 22,25,31

22. Favourite non canon pairing?

SasuNaru

I ship these two ever since I first started watching Naruto.I have had off moments do the to the ship. He glanced as he stared at her andkissed her lips.

Sasuke and Naruto had many moments all over the series.

SasuHina

Not sure why I ship it but basic idea to heirs of big clan’skind of catch my interest. Plus I kind of fall the personality type shy girlbad boy

LeeSaku

Because Lee actually cared about Sakura but we can’t have that can we. After all the hot emo boy is so much hotter them then someone who cares about you. If people actually cared of Sakura’s happiness instead of who does she look cuter next Leesaku would be a lot more popular. But her fans are just as shallow as her.

Characters Single

How the series should have ended, the characters single andliving their life. Seriously. NaruHina, Sasusaku any other ship is just moneymaking. They are lucky enough the Naruto fandom is full of bunch of horneygirls that only care about who is shipped with who. Fuck they think they onlything that makes a girl strong and better then the other females are who she ispaired with. Imagine if Harry Potter series decided that the girls should onlybe used for shipping.

Naruto Characters x oc

Cheap shot, I know I know but I know a lot of people thatcreated far more interesting Naruto characters and pairings then the canon pairingsthat our created. I am not going to post them here this is clearly ananti-fandom and I would rather you didn’t harass them. But Roxy I can hear afan cry aren’t ocs just self-insert don’t you hate self-insert. I don’t hate self-inserts there is a huge difference ofsomeone creating a character based off personalities and aspects of yourselfinto a character and basically placing yourself in the story so you can get allthe dick. And at least most people with ocs improve their writing andcharacters, I have read stories where the character was a complete sue to beinga well-developed characters in the end that could blow Kishi’s characters outof the water.

25. Ship that you shipped before but not anymore?

Itasaku

I shipped thesetwo hard for so long. Sakura seemed prefect for Itachi. Then I started gettinginto reviewing stuff. And reading sporks and you know what I started hatingSakura. Of course I as getting annoyed as well I had all these rules for my fanfics I was writing because it includedocs but Sakura was getting away with more bullshit, alright isn’t that awesomeand a little unfair to everyone in the fandom. But like said I learned that Sakura fans are shallow Itachi is cute hence why this was a popular pair for a while. I couldn’t look up Itachi pictures with out seeing her clinging to him.

NaruHina

I shipped these when I was young but in the end it wasa ship that didn’t satisfy me in the end. Of course, it goes back to becoming aCritic of stuff and learning why the couple does’t work. Sure it works betterthen Sasuke x Sakura but by the end of the day I see it just as shallow.

31. Thing that you would change about the series?

Oh boy

How do I explain this and keep it short, there is so muchwrong with Naruto I even have to figure out where to start?

Let’s start simple

Storyline: A huge draw back in Naruto isstoryline,(1) Kishi spent the first two chapters of his book farting aroundwith Naruto and playing ninja. I mean it the character was playing ninjanothing in the opening had anything that would get you invested into the storyor the characters. The first episode should get you invested not have thecharacters farting around. (2) The next is well plot, I don’t care what thecharacters are going through. When the war started it felt longer then it wasthus losing interest. A three-day war that was written in a five year. Kishi weall lost interest plus there was no weight to the war. What like three fourpeople died? At least when it came to Harry Potter there was weight to the war charactersyou knew and loved died. The only character that died in Naruto was Neji.

Say what you want I still cry for Hogwarts.

Ending: Sonothing changes everyone gets their happy ending, Sakura married Sasuke(despite there is no chemistry) Sasuke got his wish he killed his brother got hisrevenege, Naruto became hokage. And well the fans got their ships. I don’tthink there is a lot of male fans in Naruto a lot of females who like to thinkthey are boyish because they are reading Naruto “an action anime” but oddlyenough focus on the pairing. Woot everyone is happy and had a giant orgy andpooped out babies all at the same time be happy for them “IT’S CANON”

but honestly did anyone feel satisfied at all with theending the characters got. I mean I love friendship shows a lot of my favorite showsand anime are all about friendship but even I have to admit even without the damnshipping I felt disconnected. I didn’t cry for the characters I learned to lovein 15 years it just felt like a where are they now episode and shrugged. And Iam crier, I cried at the end of Fruits Basket.

Morals: SO MUCHFUCKING ISSUES WITH THE MORALS IN THIS SERIES. Where do I start Konoha how itis a fucked-up village willing to throw its people away so it can claim it is avillage of peace. The fuck that the village is racist, and some fans condoneit. Even kishi himself or the fact that if you are good guy it doesn’t matterwhat you did, child experiments, massacre of the whole villages, massacre of certaingroup of people, murder of innocent, as long as you have something in commonwith Naruto you are a good guy. WTF I DON’T CARE IF YOU ARE INSANE OR NOT ITSHOULDN’T BE OKAY TO USE A CHILD AS AN EXPERIMENT THEN LIVING IN THE VILLAGEFREE. Kishi has this huge issue where all his bad guys have to have a tragicback story thus you have to feel sorry for them. I don’t know what happened othaving a bad guy for the sake of being evil why do I feel sorry for every badguy that comes

Female Characters:WTF KISHI AND EVERY FAN THAT SUPPORTS SAKURA. This is Twilight fandom level ofstupid, girl falls in love with shallow guy for shallow reasons, we are told onrepeat the girl is special but never shown how or why she is special just thatwe are told she is special. Shallow views on love, I can not repeat myself. Whyis Hinata doing the same thing, Kishi thinks the girl only problem is love. Whycouldn’t we have Sakura be the one to break the justice system in Naruto. I don’tknow she got tired of how females were treated and became a ninja because ofthat. Hinata focus was………

You know what fuck it scrap the whole idea, how about Kishijust never writes the series.

#sasunaru #sasuhina #leesaku #proleesakura #naruto characters single #pro naruto oc #anti sakura #anti itasaku #anti naruhina #anti ending

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ymd3signs · 4 years

Photo

Best Motivation Article Ever

Hey there, are you trying to find some sweet ass motivation? Well, you're in luck, because I got the foremost awesome, most unoriginal motivational content you've seen 100 times before.

And what does one know? It happens to be 'exactly what you're within the marketplace for. So here is that the ultimate 3-step program for shaping yourself into a winner you usually knew you'll be (despite never actually doing anything to become one).

Okay, a couple of paragraphs are enough for an obligatory intro. It's, nobody reads this shit anyway. Let's dive straight into it so you'll get yourself overvalued for about 20 minutes, then return to procrastinating and reading generic self-help advice which tells you precisely what you would like to listen to. Ready? Alright, let's go.

STEP 1: YOU'RE AWESOME

Do you sometimes feel bad? Are people mean to you? Are you frightened of taking chances and doing what indeed causes you to be happy, so you regularly conform to other people's opinions to suit in? Aw shucks that sound sad.

Don't be sad. Be happy instead. Happiness is what everyone should achieve in life while avoiding stressful situations, uncomfortable emotions, and challenging obstacles. Despite what people that study the human mind and behaviour say, these aren't things that strengthen your mindset, develop quality habits, shape your personality, and cause you to a healthier individual. Some call these people scientists, some call them experts, but their real title is haters.

Important note: Criticism is some things very, very bad. It's not something you'll learn from to enhance yourself. It's not significant if 90% of individuals hate what you're doing. It's not essential if you'll do things differently and achieve a far better effect. Why?

Because you're awesome, everybody is fantastic. If you're alive, you're incredible. You don't become an extraordinary person by doing good deeds, advancing your skills and knowledge, fixing diligence, and developing yourself into a sensible, capable, and exciting individual. Heck no!

If people hate to lecture you and avoid social contact, don't think something could be wrong with you. Maybe you talk too much? Perhaps you're too judgmental? Perhaps you don't have anything important to say? Forget this stuff. Remember, you're fantastic only for being you. You don't have any bad traits. There are not any flaws in your behaviour. there's no room for improvement.

You're perfect just the way you're.

STEP 2: YOU'RE GONNA BE SUCCESSFUL

Do you have a thought for a project? Thinking of writing a book? Starting a business? YouTube channel? Blog? Choose it. I'm sure it's a singular, never-been-done-before idea. And if you think that it'd suck, don't. Your every idea is fantastic because, as we've learned, you're fantastic and criticism is terrible. If you know something from criticism, it might mean that it's not necessarily bad. And that's just crazy.

Statistics say that 9/10 startups fail which almost half they fail because there was no market need for his or her product or service. In other words, nobody was curious about their shit within the first place. But those brave souls refused to concentrate on haters and kept going. The outcome isn't relevant.

Let's pull up some statistics of our own. Spoiler alert – they're getting to blow your mind:

Walt Disney was fired because his boss felt he "lacked imagination and had no good ideas".

Oprah Winfrey was publicly fired from her first television job for getting "too emotionally invested in her stories".

Steven Spielberg was rejected by the varsity of Cinematic Arts multiple times.

Thomas Edison's teachers told him he was "too stupid to find out anything".

Jay-Z couldn't get any record label to sign him.

All these people later went on to become extremely successful and well-known in their respective fields. They didn't hear what others told them and that they didn't let the haters discourage them. They kept pushing until they achieved their dreams.

This, of course, doesn't mean that they failed many, many, repeatedly before succeeding. It doesn't mean that that they had many shit ideas before finding one that was good. It also doesn't mean they're exceptionable people that spent endless hours, months, and years perfecting their craft, thinking of latest ideas, learning and evolving from criticism (although we prefer the term hatorade) and making sacrifices for a far better future.

The only thing that we will learn from these fun facts is that they were just average, ordinary people – such as you. If they might roll in the hay, why couldn't you? If you would like it hard enough, you'll achieve success at some point (regardless of what proportion work you put in).

Why? Because you're awesome.

STEP 3: EASY SOLUTION

Now that we've gotten your blood pumping, brooding about the badass you're getting to become, making it rain within the clubs, living during a mansion, doing what you're keen on, hanging out with celebrities, having a stable (?) personality and a winner's mentality, let's mention the way to get there.

The first step is quite apparent – read articles like this a day. Otherwise, you won't have the mental strength to realize what you would like. I mean, all those successful people's vision and dedication are indeed not enough to motivate them. Merely wanting it's not enough, you would like people like us to inform you that you want it.

So here may be a general outline of our life plan:

Read motivational articles.

?????????

PROFIT!

Now, people that are successful put in thousands of hours working and learning and failing and improving and failing and perfecting and failing and hustling. That's all good for them, but let's be honest – does one want us to inform you ways to achieve something truly? That it takes years, hard work, sacrifice, and adapting new and foreign ideas?

Fuck no. We all know you're not trying to find actual change. That shit's hard. You would like the straightforward solutions, the fast methods, the "5 Steps to Gaining Respect" and "3 Ways to Become a Winner", the "How to urge the simplest Boyfriend" and "6 Best Places for Meeting DTF Chicks".

As Dom Mazzetti so eloquently put it:

“I don't want someone to compliment my life. I want someone to reassure me that my shitty life is adequate.”

And when it involves haters who attempt to offer you all the detailed, scientific-based information on how our minds work and the way to form real change:

“It's an equivalent reason I don't read books because books intimidate me and job my memory how dumb I'm. Why should I waste time getting smarter or making peace with my insecurities, once I can level the playing field and watch Digimon reruns with my [mentally challenged] cousin? That seems like a Saturday to me!”

So don't fret about the haters and experts. We're here to carry you tight, tell you you're fantastic regardless of what, which whatever path you select in life is excellent. As we've established in Step 1, you'll do nothing wrong.

Life isn't about learning from mistakes. It's about disregarding the notion of a "mistake" because you're fantastic.

STEP 4: DO NOTHING

"What's this? Step 4?" – a fanatical reader exclaims. – "But i assumed you said it had been a 3-step solution?"

Well, my avid motivation approval-seeking friend, if you're ready to read through all the shit advice we offer on a day to day without vomiting, then you've proven you'll garbage down anything we throw at you. So let's call this the "Bonus Chapter", which we included because we're just nice like that.

Some writers take time to research and copy what they say…but who the hell has time for that? I can fart out another "Top 10 Reasons You're Awesome" fluff piece in half an hour, and you'd still eat that shit up. You don't care about the standard of the content you read, so why should we?

Have you seen our "motivational content" sites? We've got like 13 different sidebars with subscription boxes, social media links, advertisements, share buttons, and every one the shit we're trying to sell you. Since actual "content" makes up about 15% of any page, I'm surprised you're even ready to find it. It's like playing "Where's Waldo?" whenever you open up a replacement post.

If you did have a winner's mentality, you'd be reading something with actual substance in it (like this or this or this). you'd be working, learning, and improving yourself, not leaving bland comments like "OMG that's so true, I do got to respect myself (because, like, I didn't know that before reading this)".

But you continue to read our unoriginal posts because we tell you what you would like to listen to. We inform you that everything about you is great, and if something happens to be a touch off-balance, you'll fix it in five easy steps. Because if you were curious about changing yourself during a meaningful way, you'd be smart enough to ascertain through our bullshit.

Because if you were fantastic, you wouldn't need us to inform you that.

(Un)Truly Yours,

Every Generic Self-Help Writer Ever

***

P.S. Apparently, tons of you don't realize this text is making fun of generic self-help bullshit. Even worse, a number of you share this thinking it's a real motivational article — probably because you didn't even read the fucking thing.

If that's you, I would like to inform you something. Reading empty motivational articles telling you exactly what you would like to listen to will never get you anywhere. Instead, I've put together a touch ebook which will teach you ways to start indeed improving your life. No bullshit, only proven methods and actions. Click here to get it (it's free).

Like this article? Please share it with somebody who might need it.

#graphic design #illustration #digital illustartion #photoshop #artwork

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doegred-main · 6 years

Text

If you could possess one single object that appears in the Silm/hobbit/Lotr/HoME, which one would it be? Here I am torn: on one hand I’d love to have the Palantìr to comunicate with others and see ahead during travels. On the other hand: the Silmaril would be an awesome energy source and scientific conundrum. Probably I would “settle” for a Silmaril. There are a lot of things you can do with a black body, even though I fear I would not like the “moral radar” placed on it by Varda at all.

As a mortal man arriving in Beleriand during the first age, would you have trusted the Eldar? I would have been incredibly fascinated and probably I would have given an arm and a leg to learn their technology, still I would have been very wary of their cultural perspective. At least of the one of the “very good guys”. I would have guessed that all the Noldor and Northern Sindar, were serious about defeating Melkor, but even in the best case scenario I would have seen a lot of possible problems arising from the afterward of a victory. A well respected vassal is still a vassal, especially when it is substituting its culture for the one of a more powerful people that claims to have seen and know more than any of my people could ever experience in their lifetime. I would have probably advocated for lending help to the Noldor in the war against Morgoth, quite vehemently once seen the situation in Beleriand and the Amlach scheme, but beyond that I would have guessed that even a victory would have meant an uncertain future for my kind and kept rather wary of them all.

You are on a long errand and eventually find yourself in Lothlorien. Before you leave, you are given to choose between Miruvor or lambas bread. Which one do you take with you? Miruvoir, naturally! Even uncooked root vegetables taste better if you wash them out with great booze!

Any opinion about the “petty-dwarves” and the way they were treated in Beleriand? The Petty Dwarves are a people that I feel a lot of sympathy for; they are the lowest of the low, the ones anyone feels entitled and justified to mistreat, thus I cannot help being rather fond of them despite their glaringly obvious flaws. I think that their position shows the ugly side of Khazad society. The dwarves are secretive and clannish, which leaves their exiled individuals (wether they are scapegoats or have definitely earned their punishment) without any help in the outside world, especially a feudal world like Beleriand. I think the history of the petty dwarves is very poignant because it is the story of the oppressed that aren’t “perfect” and “blameless”, it is the history of “guilty” people punished horribly and persecuted, left to be used by anyone as the convenient “victim”, to the point that the punishment itself ended up making them much worse than they were. Which only makes the petty dwarves more realistic and all the more worthy of a sympathy they will never be given in a world of moral absolutes like Tolkien’s. To feel for the “innocent lamb” is not praise-worthy, it is normal, what gives the measure of a person is how much they can see the injustice perpetrated on the ones who have committed their fair share of crimes. Sadly in Beleriand there is almost none that quite rises to this standard, except for (and even here: only up to a point) Tùrin.

What did you like the most the first time you read The Silmarillion? Wow.. it was so long ago! I was 15. I think the thing that I liked the most was the enormous scope of the story, the fact it was a history book of an inexistent world. I was positively overwhelmed by the multitude of people and histories, the glimpses of different cultures and their complexities.

Do you think a Sauron-Smaug partnership could have been possible if the dragon hadn’t been destroyed? Any opinion about it? Possible? Yes, but depending on its goal and its scope. I do not doubt Sauron would have tried to make use of the dragon, after all Sauron is SMART, to the point that the only way he is beaten is by concocting a plan that relies on “providence” rather than tactics. Stiil, exactly because Sauron is smart, I do not think he would have honoured his agreement with the dragon to the bitter end if he had thought it too “limiting” of his own power; Sauron is not keen on loosing control. As for Smaug he would have undoubtedly seen the possible advantages in allying with Sauron, but he might also have seen the possible drawbacks thus he might not have thrown all of his lot with the Maia. I think an alliance could have been indeed possible, but its scope might have been limited, both because Smaug is an indolent slob, and because Sauron would not have liked to promise too much to the dragon knowing of its greed. Likely the dragon would have been “used” to completely vanquish the Khazad and people of Dale, but not much more. As a trump card Sauron already had the Witch King, who was of comparable power and completely under his control: a much safer bet.

Should we talk about the portrayal we get of Finrod in the debate with Andreth? Absolutely! Everything should be talked about XD. All jokes aside, I think that analysing his positions in the Antrabeth is paramount to understanding Finrod. I do not like them at all, but it is exactly because of them and a few other details that make his character definitely much more gray than the author probably intended, that I find Finrod interesting. To be completely frank I find the idea of ”St. Finrod the wandering hippie” absolutely boring and a disservice to a character that canonically has a side that doesn’t appear, in my opinion, as flatly cardboard-cut likeable or accepting of others as it might seem at first glance. Tolkien to me is all more fascinating and engaging because I do not share many his values on a fundamental level and seeing them exposed and argued for helped me grow as a person. I considered the position he presented, thought about it, and, no matter the conclusions I reached, I think my inner life was richer for it.

Can you share one headcanon about Celebrimbor and Narvi’s friendship? I ship them with the brightness of a thousand burning swan-ships. Despite really liking each other they are more often than not challenging each other’s abilities and theories. Even as they worked together they were adamant about having each their own lab and started their own private “underground war” by snaeking in each other’s work space and leaving “corrections” on each other’s notes. Which quickly escalated in the forged being used to craft new and better locks to protect their doors. The fight ended when Narvi found Tyelpe knelling on the floor in front of his new lock, desperately trying to pick it. Sadly his triumph was short-lived as he realised that even his own key was NOT getting the door open. Two hours passed like that: with Tyelpe insisting that his colleague had just made a lock impossible to open, and Narvi replying that Tyelpe had just “messed it up with his butcher-like attempts at finesse”, until they both capitulated and ended up getting roaring drunk together and taking turns axing down the door with Narvi’s ceremonial weapon after a solemn promise of never invading each other’s work-space anymore. Narvi gifted Tyelpe with the lock they recovered from the splinters as a “sign of peace” and to “prove the elf that you are never too old to be wrong”. Years and years after Narvi’s death, in the time when Annatar was becoming more and more shady even in his own eyes, Tyelpe was playing around with the lock out of sheer nervousness and ended up dropping it. The impact dislodged a tiny piece of metal that had broken from Tyelpe’s lock-pick, unbeknownst to the elf. The lock opened immediately. Narvi adopted his young, brightest, dwarven apprentice and Tyelpe was adamant about “getting to be dad n.2 know the kid and be involved in his life”

Any thought about the idea of Maedhros wearing the dragon-helm? Why giving it to Fingon if it had already been given to him? Isn’t it rude? Is it even a good gift-idea? Here I’m biased.. XD Let’s say I do not think it was rude, but a sign of both friendship and a reminder to the Western Noldor that Himring had very important allies that knew how to make fire-proof armours, which the westerners had not and sorely needed. Smarmy gift, not exactly rude...

According to you, in The Silmarillion, which action is the most meaningful(/heartbreaking) token of loyalty? Bòr’s children and their people fighting to the end by the side of the Fëanorians.

If you could be fluent in one single tongue of Arda, and be clueless about all other languages, which one would you choose? (pick the age you prefer) I am already very much bothered by the fact I only know three languages and a half rather than “all of them”... Knowing only one would probably drive me to insanity. Yet: fair is fair, I have to answer. I would like to be a Noldorin Quenya speaker that got accidentally shut in the scientific section of Formenos’ library. Imagine all the books, project, technology, and ideas that could be found there!

tagged by @atariince (thank you so much! <3)

My stupid questions:

What do you think of Hurin and Huor’s last stand?

Thoughts on Maeglin going missing for so long and then being just allowed in with no questions asked?

Considering the events that ended WWII, Tolkien’s words in his preface to LOTR, and his “scientists on the slippery slope”: do you feel any sympathy for Saruman?

If you were an Hobbit of the Shire would you have voted for Sam as a major? Why?

If you could visit one and only one location in Beleriand which one would it be? Explain

How much do you think Gondolin’s nostalgia for Tirion influenced the depiction of the Exiles as eager for a chance to go back to Valinor?

If you could either be Galadriel or Elrond which one would you choose? Would Celebrian like that?

What do you think would have happened if “the Noldor had won the day” in the Nirnaeth?

First thought of Thorondor as Maedhros and then Fingolfin bled all over his plumage.

Your favourite Caranthir’s moment, can either be your head-canon or canon.

Would you like to have the Gaffer Gamgee as your father in law? Why?

tagging: @feanoriel, @eldochflamma, @hwarang, , @morgholoth @gultgull and whoever is interested and has not been tagged yet!

#meme #fandom sillyness

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semi-imaginary-place · 5 years

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fe3h blogging 3 because i have no self control

wah. I don’t want to start BL because that would mean leaving Edelgard and Claude. I don’t care about dimirti as much. part 1 dimitri is so earnest though

i think blue lions was written first. 1 the two monthly missions that have to do with students’ families are both in BL (Ashe and Sylvain). I didn’t notice this at first because for some reason I got it into my head that one of them was in the black eagles and so i thought every house would have a “welp and now we kill your [insert family member]”. 2 two fairly important side characters at the monastery are related to BL students (Annette and Mercedes). Chapter 3 actually provides a intro for all the lords in their respective routes. Edelgard’s scene is serious but not especially sad, instead you can feel te fire burning within Edlegard and the scene shows how she’s willing to sacrifice the lives of those under her if she believes she is doing the right thing. Claude’s is actually quite light hearted in tone after the first few lines and it highlights the mystery surrounding him and makes him seem very sketchy. Chapter 3 in Blue Lions though is really sad. Ashe my baby boy. Here there is a sense of tragedy in the post battle scene.

My opinion of Gillbert slowly plummets as my opinion of Annette continues to rise. I mean absentee emotionally distant father? He doesn’t deserve Annette and her mom. Ok during Dimitri and Annettes C support about how being siblings would be nice, I’m like ummmmm you two are less than half a year apart. Annette is just small not young. its actually off putting to see Sylvain act like a decent person in Dedue’s supports. Underneath all that philandering and shitting on women, he’s actually a good dude and pretty smart, but wow I want to hit him sometimes. wow Felix is actually nice* to Annette. *well nicer anyways. He’s not mean to her. the “fight” Annette and Mercedes have in their B support is so stupid and now I need to get to the timeskip for it to resolve? wow.

I think Dedue like trauma latched (is that a thing???? I should go look up ptsd sometime) on to Dimitri. Like found the first person that showed a bit of kindness for him and clamped down. He sees himself as a tool of Dimitri, his entire existence is for the sake of another person. He hates Faergus for what it has done to Duscur but instead of helping to enact meaningful resistance against Faergus, he latched on to the first person that didn’t treat Duscur like scum. That’s not rational. Come to think of it everyone in blue lions need therapy like more so than the other houses (who could also use some)

And here I thought Sylvain was the one with self-worth problems, turns out Dimitri’s a part of the gang too. Its like he can’t see any good parts of himself. He is very earnest and straightforward. Also “you didn’t appear to be suppressing you emotions” huh really. not a topic you’re familiar with yourself Dimitri? Can’t remember if I’ve said this or not but why is Dimitri the only one to have a modified armored uniform.

Edelgard: tower, fortune, emperor. Linhardt: hermit. Mercedes: high priestess, strength. Ashe: star. Dimitri: moon, justice, devil?. Claude: sun, hermit?. Seteth: hierophant. Felix: chariot, emperor. Lysithea: magician. Flayn: lovers, priestess. Manuela: empress. Marianne: fortune, priestess, sun? death?. Ingrid: Emperor?. Bernadetta: hermit, moon. Dorothea: lovers, empress. Ignatz: hanged man. Caspar: justice, chariot

Ashe is such a good boy TT^TT

I always thought it hilarious that Lonato got Catherine’s name wrong, but no there was more to it than that.

Also I don’t get why Annette or her mom couldn’t just go to Garreg Mach. She didn’t need an excuse to visit a place, its not like you need a visa to enter. The school of sorcery and then officers academy sounds like such a roundabout way of doing things

I wonder what name Claude ascends the throne under. He likely only took up the name von Riegan upon entering Fodlan and probably used his father's family name before that. I wonder if Claude has an Almyran given name. If he tried to claim the throne under the name Claude von Riegan it’d kinda be an insult like spitting in the face of his people and that wouldn't gain him any favor in Almyra. But would he go under a fully Almyran name? He would be a more popular king showing himself as one of the people. However, I imagine that he'd keep the name Claude. Maybe he grew up with his parents calling him that maybe its important to him now that he's lived under it for ~7 formative years of his life. Coming to fodlan marked the beginning of claude carrying out his plan's to achieve his dream. Its also a period where he is devoid of his parent's guidance and presence. I'd also just say 16-23 is a pretty important period of identity building in a person's life. Its under the name claude that he finds people he wants to walk down this path with. Its an acknowledgement of both sides of his heritage. I wonder if his choice would be different in a non Verdant Wind route.

What if timelines get mixed up and 23 year old felix gets sent to right before glenn dies. 23 yo felix get teleported to an alternate universe or something and meets 13 yo felix. Felix angsts that glenn seems so young and how he's now older than him, maybe yells at his dad a bit and has a chat with 13yo felix.And then idk gets teleported back? Or worse gets trapped so now there 2 felixes running around and i dont know how thats going to affect the time line

Ashe would make the perfect court asassin. He has enough rank/political clout to get access to targets and its not suspicious if he is in proximity to them.But he's not important enough that anyone would pay attention to him. He's a knight and the lord of castle gaspard at most. He's like a minor lord not a duke or anything. Ashe has enough social and emotional intelligence to navigate social situations. He's easy to get along with and has that harmless sweet boy demeanor to him. He already is good at lock picking, sneaking around, and bows. All he need is some training from Shamir and Claude and Ashe would be unstoppable. The only thing stopping this is that Ashe is a genuine good sweet boy and hates deception. My boy is going to be a knight!

You know what Dimitri needs? A Raphael. Put the one who cant deal with his own emotions next to the emotionally mature on and maybe Dimitri will finally get the help he needs. They can train together too

Dimitri: Kill them all. Don’t let a single one of them escape. Sever their limbs and crush their wicked skulls.

Me: how about no. Kids, don’t do that.

(later) Dimitri: I will search for survivors

Me: Yeah the ones you didn’t kill

The more I learn about Dimitri’s childhood the more I’m like what the hell is wrong with Faergus??? The lifting rocks makes sense because Dimitri is ridiculous strong, but having a kid run all night in heavy armor, or waking an 11 year old up in the middle of the night and having them catch deer. ????? Also Flayn’s cooking and Dimitri’s taste buds are a good match. “Look at that young maiden wielding a giant lance. How adorable!” I mean that does sound pretty adorable actually.

Sometimes I think about how the officer’s academy is run as an institution and then I get a headache. The player character students we have number around 25 but you see npcs everywhere around garreg mach and there’s enough of them to fill a ball room. In talking to the students, a lot of them imply this is their first year at garreg mach which would imply that the officer’s academy’s course is 1 year long. This is also supported by the age range of the cast from 15 to 22 with most at 16-17 at the beginning of the year instead of having the younger and less experienced students at a different grade level. With a multigrade system unlikely though, how can we explain the number of students? There are 3 possibilities. First is that the class sizes are huge (conservative estimate is like 60/class, probably more based on cut scene estimates) with full day lecture classes. second is that there are only half day classes with half the students in morning class and the other half in afternoon class. Third is that there are actually more professors than shown.

The Central and Western Churches use the exact same rhetoric as shown in the Ashe-Catherine and Flayn-Seteth paralogues. We are divine and just and you are all heathens and sinners. Goddess this Goddess that. And both of them claim justifications for invasions under this rhetoric. Oh its not that you are politically inconvenient to me its that the Goddess says you are evil and I can’t argue with the Goddess so I have a moral obligation to strike you down. I wonder how many of them are actually delusional religious and how many are just using it as an excuse/cover.

I was thinking star or sun for claude because despite/because of everything he's an idealist. Like the sun guy in p3 akainori??? He take all that pain and tries to make the world a better placeInstead of a picture book though claude tries to revolutionize the worldAhhhhh I love this. theres so many narrative you can pull from these types of thingsDevil is like struggling with vice. Hubert's character arc deals withhis trouble connecting with people, his loyalty to edelgard, and what he has to do. Maybe justice? Rationality, jusgement, and themes of what is justice. Especially his convo with Hanneman that calls into question the execution of his fatherSeteth is probably hierophant as he's that one strict follow the rule book teacher we'vr all had. He also repeRepresents the chuch, authority, and the establishment (initially)Mercedes is a nurturing motherly type person with fits empress well. I take back the priestess statement from earlier. I think mercedes struggles are more external than internal (priestess is like more personal relationshio to spirituality and intuition). Wheel of fortune is an option? ?? Mercedes was born with a crest the her house fell and her step dad only wanted her mom for thr lamine crest. Then the church. then her adoptive dad wanting her for political gain theb the academy. A lot has been outside her control. Byleth is another good option for obvious reasons Edelgard is another good one given what happened in her childhood. If thing had been different she would be living a different life. Emperor could be another good one fore her since its about imposing your will on your surroundings

Dimitri’s stupid. I mean he’s using reasoning, but he’s jumping to conclusions when equally or more probable options are still there. I wouldn’t exactly believe Edelgard’s words either, but its clear Flame Emperor and TWSITD have their own separate agendas. Dimitrii’s “edelgard is the root of all my sufferings” is like the same reasoning as edelgards “the church and its systems are the root of all suffering in Fodlan” but worse, at least Edelgard is half right.

Its honestly disturbing how willing Dedue is to erasing his autonomy and personhood.

timeskip time~ JP dimitri speech tone is much more calm it makes the dissonance with what he is saying all the weirder. He just making up excuses for his bloodlust now. “they” are “evil” so its ok to slaughter them. also yay monarchists, is gilbert actually relevant in this route???. Fleche and Randolf are actually relevant in this route???? I really hate Faergus. why are all of you following dimitri on his suicide run. why would you let the man clearly not in a good mental place decide the course of the army????

ch14: I mean getting ready to torture someone is one thing. but actually threatening me? You’re on my shitlist dimitri. Boy. You dare threaten me.

Woooowww its like watching a bunch of lemming run off a cliff

Rodrigue gets a bad rap in fandom because its true he’s not a great dad, but I don’t think he’s rock bottom either. He and Felix have different world views and he just has no idea how to deal with Felix. I’d be quite funny if it wasn’t so sad.

Dimitri doesn't have a rational bone in his body

In other news I'm getting kind of annoyed at everyone in azure moon. Like heyyy maybe monarchy is a bad idea???

I read an interesting thought on why the prologue happened the way it did. tldr: smear tactic against the church. It'd look bad if bandits even got close to the nation's heirs. And even worse if they got injured or killed. If one of them died, edelgard could get an advantage

hot take: Claude is naive in the same way Griffith is naive

another hot take: Claude is Buddha. or maybe Claude AS Buddha. Specifically the birth prophecy thing of kingdom vs all of time space

oh to clarify its about how Claude wants to change not only Fodlan and Almyra but the whole world. The Buddha thing is that there was a prophecy that he would either be an excellent king or like a spiritual leader whose teachings would echo through time around the world. so I want an AU

me finding out about dorothea's and mercedes backstories: who do I have to kill

Its implied in the hanneman supports that hubert’s dad might have been a part of the insurrection to protect hubert

I was imagining Ferdinand and Sylvain interacting and Sylvain probably hates Ferdie's guts and then in got dark first Ferdinand dislikes nobles that aren't noble so he'd probably disapprove. sylvain would see sheltered ferdinand and want to make him suffer as he has. not to mention Ferdinand ... always looks forward, he's always trying to improve himself and I can see sylvain resenting that and himself. on the flip side both hold the chavalier position in their house, and they both appreciate the fine arts. like ferdinand is out here being an obnoxious good boy championing everything sylvain hates

me looking at all the dudes Mercedes can A support: none of you deserve her. what are you bringing HER in this relationship

the only thing i likea about faerhgus is their flag. which is just so aesthetically pleasing

petra and edelgard are foils for each other. they are princesses from opposite sides of a past war. both are dedicated to their nations and seek to become the person their country deserves. both are very driven. each was for a period of their life removed from their home country. but their positions are very different from one another. edelgard and petra also have a low key friendly rivalry where they motivate each other to strive for more. they should have had an A support

I've been avoiding jeritza because his character concept seems like an edgier dimitri. So I'm just here to say i like his deaign. Partly covered face + long hair? Its like the devs are out for me by pairing that with a personality I don't get along with

Unpopular opinion but ignatz's part 2 haircut is super cute

i know someone here was plotting out a persona 5 cross over, but the more I think of it, dimitri belongs in persona 4. that game's all about facing the parts of your personality that you don't want anyone else to see. I mean feral dimitri is basically his shadow, that part of him that he rejects

A supports/total supports Claude: 10/13 Sylvain 4/16 So here's a comparison of how their trust issues affect their relationships. Claude might be incredible closed off and even in his A supports, still be with holding important information, but given enough time he can still potentially bond with a great number of people. While on the other hand Sylvain has destroyed his ability to form meaningful connections with people, so half of his A supports are people he already has a bond with. Sylvain is a bitter resentful boy and its getting in the way of his life. oh those supports are excluding byleths

Sylvain is deliberately stupid which makes him the true idiot here

i've been wondering, does dimitri's super strength randomly activate or is he like that all the time

Dimitri and sylvain. When 1+1=0

Chess club edelgard, hubert, sylvain, claude

Edelgard assumes there will be costs and doesn't try to find a way around it. That sort of glory in being killed is faerghus' thing

I really wish I could expierence the game in its full state. What we have in yhis reality is like a shadow of what it could have been. I just want cf and vw to be their complete, best selves. Of all the routes, AM was written first and the only one that was completed and reached its full potential. VW and SS feel like half a route with of the other routes patched in to fill the gaps. all of byleths lines in VW are suspiciously about rhea. In some of the cutscenes theres graphical errors where the soldiers are wearing chuch colors instead of alliance. Some parts of VW were clearing written fot SS and shoved in last minute. Like the Edelgard scene. That scene makes mire sense in SS where byleth was her house leader, but not as much is VW where you barely talk to her. which is a shame because that’s one of my favorites. Byleth's lines make sense in SS which is about rhea and saving the churcv but not in VW which is about whats really happening and Claude. The same of course applies to SS, where seteth just says Claude's lines, and its so weird. And yet VW and CF are the strongest conceptually for me (or at least tickle my personal preferences). I also don't think any route should be seen in the absence of the others. Its is all 4 route together that show what the game is about. Focusing in on any one route is an incomplete picture. Verdant Wind was so good and yet it could have been so much better. That gap between the potential and the actual both angers and saddens me. Also VW is the most big picture of all the routes. Instead of diving in, it takes a step back for perspective. You can see the war as a whole instead of just what's happenibg with faergus or adrestia. You see what's actually happening. That its not adrestria vs faregus but the remnants of an ancient war still affecting modern politics from the dominance of the churcv to the agarthans who gave been stirring up shit for centuries. Despite all its flaws Verdant Wind is also my favorite. Its not better than the other routes... but its spirit managed to reach my crusty old heart. Its like an ugly puppy. I just see all the places it could be better... (gronder field, and that ending??)

Hanneman legit reminds me of some of my professors. Well intentioned very nice people who are just incredible nerdy. A cute old man.

for all that many of Petra's ending end up in Nuvelle, its not actually all that close to Brigid. Seems like a mistake to me

claude badgering seteth to help him with his translations of old books

also its nice that 3h does not have the male as default thing and there are female background characters. Watching the starwars movies its weird that like every mook is male

dorothea and leonie co-chair the let's-eat-the-nobles club. claude and petra are both like fodlan nobles are weird and helpless with goofy dances

Ingrid and raphael competing at an eating competition. Lysithea joins in because she wants cake

I have been overcome with the sudden urge to bully sylvain. I want to see him make the sad pouty face

ferdinand is a good boy

I like to think that Agartha while progressing in some aspects, has also lost a lot of their technology in that they can still use it but no longer understand how it works

I want more ignatz supports. I can see him bonding with ferdinand and dimitri strangely enough

Also claude and linhardt and claude competing for who can turn their room into a library first is so great

Again... still wondering what the climate and biogeography look like. Tall trees tend to be in wet temperate with good soil. We knoe faerhgus is cold but not how cold. All we know is that duscur ans sreng are cold and arid/semi arid. We'd need some interesting wind patterns for fodlan to be temperate. If the northern coast is arid. The only way the interior is temperate is if wind is goinf north to south and gwtring trapped by tje central mountain range. I dont think garreg mach is up in the himalayas

Sothis poorly grandmafriending byleth. Excellent

Playing AM and wow I forgot how much I want to punch dimitri I just want to off gilbert

I watched one of gilbert and annetes supports and wow I want to beat him into the ground all over again. Gilbert doesnt deserve a family

Ahhhh why did I play azure moon again. I'm stuck with gilbert the rest of the route!

i got a birthday letter from gilbert... i dun wan it

Linhardt really just does not care. Not about your "traditions" or "laws". He only sort starts caring about "morals" after remire

Count Dominic: i have made the perfect crest bearing knight's daughter Me: you fucked up a perfectly good person is what you did. look at her. she's got anxiety. Me: prepare for pain.

Time to go beat up annettes uncle for giving her anxiety. now I know where annettes fear of failure comes from... Annette deserves so much better

Sothis really is that gremlin living in the attic

I cant believe the reason dimitri made it past gronder was that his actions were so insane that so one could plan for them

I didn't expect ashe to be my mvp this time round... but he is. Byleth and dimitri both have good strength but are squishy. Ashe's range is insane. He gets that skill that expands range + longbow + deadeye + horse + ring. And if thats not enough canto gets him back out of range. He crits on every other hit and has like a 60% crit rate with a killer bow. He kills everything in one turn. Armor units? Magic bow. Anything else he doubles and crits.

Alao update on the cornelia conspirqcy theory: busted

She just built firdiad a functioning sewer system

Back onto the debunking of the cornelia conspiracy theory yeah she totally got replaced

Why am I playing azure moon.... I miss Claude

So the derdriu chapter in AM.... claude isnt as heartbroken aa in CF but he's not in a good place. I think he's mourning/coping with loss (the loss of possibilites, future, what could have been etc.) just like he was in CF. It also makea me think he's planning on invading fodlan in the future. I will need to think over this.

Gautier territory is a cold steppe and known for their horse breeding. Those hairy horses have to come from somewhere

Interestingly dimitri is 3/10 strongest in the army despite being a couple levels higher than everyone. So much for that Blaiddyd strength

Flayn is scared of being forgotten isn't she

Sylvain really takes care of dimitri huh

ahhh yeess claude in a poofy sleeved white shirt

Literally dimitri: no i dont "need rest". I have a headache but thats just from lack of sleep

Rodrigue and lambert ditching class getting high on the monastary roof

Faerhgus really is one giant death cult huh

Oh wow ingrid is like unhitable. High speed + evasion ring + avo+10 +alert stance+ + defiant avo

A-after many years I have finally finished azure moon... I think part of why I don't like azure moon is that it wasn't able to sell me on the rightful king narrative. And I CAN be sold on that as both Tolkien and Claude prove. That and the continued existence of gilbert. My loathing for that man is beyond expression

#fe #fe3h

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bibbykins · 7 years

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Moonlight Reign Ch. 4

A/N: This was rough to write while I’m all busy, so it’s not my best. However, I hope you enjoy and give me feedback!

Word Count: 3.2k

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Chapter Summary: You reunite with someone with undertones of betrayal as your place in Bangtan is solidified

There’s nothing uglier than a person’s face right before they kill someone. The curling of their lips into a snarl, the glint of merciless psychosis present in their eyes, and their hands, almost too ready to seize a heartbeat. It’s common for the killer to beg their loved one’s eyes to look away before they cause someone else’s to close indefinitely. However, your father had never asked you to do so before.

He had never asked that of anyone.

You weren’t able to see Yoongi’s face before he killed Byungjoo, but you did feel the blood spatter paint your face. You had been covered in the blood of family, which would be the largest crime someone could commit in your former syndicate.

However, you didn’t feel sick. You felt fine.

Your eyes stuttered open, the feeling of a cool washcloth gently brushing against your skin as you regained consciousness with blurry vision trying to realign.

“Y/n, I’m washing the blood off of you, don’t be scared,” You heard a gruff voice as your eyes focused to see Yoongi’s face above your own as he brushed the cloth on your cheek, “We had to change your clothes to get all the blood, but we didn’t see anything past what a bathing suit would be, and by we I mean Jin and I.”

“Byungjoo is dead,” That was something you had to confirm as Yoongi nodded, “Why?”

Yoongi ceased all movement for a second, reaffirming his decision to say his next few words, “He tried to kill one of our own, one of my own.”

You almost choked on air, “O-One of-”

“I didn’t stutter, y/n,” He stated, continuing to clean you off, “You are mine now.”

His stare was a web that looked like the coziest bed to snuggle into. Yoongi was either a new home or a prison with amazing architecture.

You didn’t know which option was the most dangerous.

He chuckled, breaking the stare and you from your own thoughts, “Don’t get too excited, I mean you’re my new addition, we have a closer bond now, I guess,” You scrunched your nose at his chiding, “I mean if you wanted one night of-”

Your lips twitched upwards, “You’re disgusting,” You said as Yoongi flashed you his gummy smile.

“There’s a sense of humor, something to lighten the mood,” He noted, standing up to put the rag away, “I need you alive and well, it’s the least I can make sure of.”

You propped yourself up on your elbows, “What do you mean?”

Yoongi smiled, “Ah, who would’ve thought you’d forget saving a trembling preteen when you weren’t even 10?”

You paused, remembering the child of the Min’s, the only person you had shown your face to. Byungjoo was right, this was all your fault, but you weren’t angry with yourself in the least bit, “It was because you were either going to die or end up like me, and I didn’t like either possibility.”

He nodded, “Little did you know I’d tear that whole system down.”

You wanted to be shocked, but you weren’t. Min Yoongi hadn’t exactly said it, but you knew, he was the push to the dominos that your empire was built on.

“What? No anger?” Yoongi leaned down to look at you with eye contact, “I ruined your life after you saved mine.”

“I get angry at wrongful acts,” You managed to sit up straight, “All you did was show the world the truth.” Your head was pounding for you to lay down again, “My father and Byungjoo ruined my life.”

Yoongi was dumbfounded, unable to wrap his head around what made you so level-headed, considering your background. It was just about admirable how you could recognize fault where fault is due, “How did you manage to form an independent opinion with all the blindfolds they put over your eyes?”

“Dinner time!” You chimed as you walked down the steps of the basement, the sound of chains clanking against a cage, “Hi, Mayrin!”

Mayrin was 7 years your senior, a 15 year old, and she looked exactly like your father, “My sunshine!” She did her best to smile at you, but you both knew it hurt for her to move.

Mayrin was your sister, a forbidden member of the family, since she was a production from your late mother and your father despised her. She was exactly like your mother, and your father was unwilling to kill blood, but he could keep it in captivity using you to make sure she doesn’t die of thirst or starvation.

You set the plate of hot food in her cage, leaving the door open for while she eats, “May, I spared someone’s life today.” You thought back to the trembling boy who you had shown your face to.

Her fork stilled as you vomited the words, and she took notice of the shame on your face. “Hey, I’m proud of you,” She said, and then she bit her lip, suddenly worried, “Don’t let father find out, okay?”

The only time he spilled his family’s blood was when he killed her mother.

You nodded. Mayrin taught you about morals and the rights and wrongs of your life. She explained the concept of the truth and every bit of ethical information her mother taught her.

“I hear the news talk about scandals with father, and he tells me one day we’ll kill them, is that bad?” You questioned and May nodded, knowing your feelings were taught.

“Terrible,” Your head cast down in shame, “The truth should always come out, and no one should be punished for exposing it, only the liar.”

What a stupid thought.

What a terrible memory.

You shook your head, “Don’t worry about it.”

“I’ll get it out of you eventually,” Yoongi mused, “But for now, let’s go see good old pops, this is your last day with him.” He smiled gleefully, patting your leg as you remained blank, “Don’t make that face, he’s going to prison, not where Byungjoo went.”

“He’s here?” Your voice involuntarily shook.

Being in the same building as your father felt surreal, you felt every emotion at the same time. Pain, anger, fear. What would happen when you were face to face with him? You couldn’t tell.

Yoongi observed your stunning features, you made fear look hauntingly beautiful, “What’s the matter? Are you going to go nuts again?”

You shook your head, “The last time I saw my father was three years ago,” You closed your eyes, “I stabbed him.”

You didn’t want to remember it. You couldn’t anymore, it was shameful. It was shameful, because you loved it.

Yoongi was shaken to the core, “Daddy’s little girl?”

You steadily got up, “I used to love one person more than my father,” You looked at your attire of boxers and a large shirt, “I’m not seeing my father like this, I’ll look like one of your… playthings,” You grimaced as Yoongi looked way too coy.

“Babydoll, I’d never,” He said and you cursed yourself for shivering at his words. “I’m more of a one and done guy, easier that way,” You scrunched your nose again, “Anyways, I felt like you’d say that, so there’s a nice dress from your closet I had Jungkook get,” He gestured to a regular sundress on the chair, “Now hurry on, doll, pops is waiting. Jin said your head is like a helmet, so you should be good to go.”

The dress was an older long sleeved turtle neck with a regal effect, it was the dress you were the day Jungkook found out how to console you. You wondered if he chose that dress intentionally or panicked and grabbed something. Most likely the latter.

You used your nail to chip away anymore dried blood as you patted down your hair, preparing yourself to see your father again.

—-

“Well, Byungyeol, I’m afraid your dear brother just didn’t make it,” Namjoon stated with false pity.

The older man was beaten up, bleeding from the lip, and he looked tired to say the very least. “As expected,” He mused, “Byungjoo has never been tortured before, that was y/n’s job.”

“You give up your daughter’s name so easy,” Taehyung mused from behind Namjoon, “And you allowed her to take beatings meant for an adult.”

The former boss shrugged, “I imagine you killed her as well?”

Namjoon weighed his options. He could say no and see if the act changes, or he could say yes and if his timing was right, you will hear and completely lose it, “Yes, we did.”

—-

“God he must be so devastated,” You murmured as Yoongi led you down the corridor to your father.

Yoongi was almost in awe at your words. Through his extensive research on your father, he found no heart. He found no sense of selflessness for the people around him in any records, but maybe if someone gets shit kicked in their face and their parent calls it love, they’ll actually believe it.

“Does he actually love anyone?” Yoongi asked and you paused.

“He said it once,” You knew you were brainwashed, but even so, you did genuinely believe that despite all that has happened, family loves family. That was the one thing your father drilled into you, family loves family, and you all were family, “He has to,” You mumbled as Yoongi simply nodded.

“Yes, we did,” Namjoon spoke as you walked in one of their many interrogation rooms to see your father. He looked…pathetic. He was ever so slightly beaten with messy hair and a revolting slight beard. However you still felt your heart squeeze, it was your father, you hadn’t looked at him and didn’t see a monster in 5 years. The last time you saw him was wiped from your memory and you were a 13-year-old again, reunited, “Y/n was killed,” Namjoon said, snapping you out of your nostalgia and causing you to spring toward the door.

Yoongi wrapped an arm around your waist and while the touch had caused a shock to rush through your bones, you were too focused on the fire inside you, “He’ll be devastated, let me see him!”

Yoongi looked at you in almost admiration. You genuinely loved him. Despite how many people he has murdered, you found refuge in a 5-year-old feeling that was your foundation before it all fell through. Maybe his pitiful state made you forget, but it was still almost sad to see you want to save a man who’s been giving to the dogs your whole life.

You were expecting him to freak, but all he did was shrug, “She was never cut out for this world,” He sighed, “I am truly a man without my shield.”

Shield.

You were his shield.

That’s it.

“She’s your daughter, no?” Taehyung spoke.

The chortle that escaped Byungyeol left with a tear from your eye. You don’t remember it building up, but it had already bubbled over. “She was a princess, an heir, but now, she’s nothing really,” His eyes were something you’ve seen before.

You felt like you were going to throw up. It wasn’t until Yoongi shook you that you came back to reality, “Get a grip,” He ordered, staring you down as he wiped your tears, “I know deep in yourself, you aren’t surprised, remember why you stabbed him.” Yoongi’s pep talk was purely selfish. It was the gunpowder to you being ready to shoot him down, publicly reveal yourself and turn your own father in. Selfish or not, it was working.

“WHERE IS MAY?!” You screeched as you held the butcher knife you grabbed out of fear while your father tried to bring you back to sanity.

He had run into you by mistake at Eunhwa’s restaurant, and one thing led to another until the place was evacuated and you were screaming in the kitchen for your older sister.

“We all had to give things up for-”

“SHE WASN’T A THING!” You screamed. This was the only time you would kick and scream at your father, “WHERE IS SHE?!”

“GONE!” The dam burst and all bets were off when both you and your father got angry, “I LEFT HER THERE TO BURN, OKAY?!”

Everything froze in time, and by the time you were back to seeing something other than red, you had rammed a knife into your father’s shoulder, feeling the metal slip through his joints with ease, and it felt so good. Your father gaped at you, and you only could muster a chuckle, “I’m going to murder everything you love,” You seethed, ripping the knife out, letting his blood splatter onto your clothing.

“He killed my sister,” You sighed and Yoongi deemed it the wrong time to inquire who the hell your sister was, “I killed ten men that day,” You murmured as Yoongi stared at you in shock. “My father and I can hurt each other, really bad,” You stated, “Get me away from him if he mentions my sister, I’ll end up killing him.”

“After all that, you’re still hurt he doesn’t love you?” Yoongi almost spat.

You flinched at his tone, “How would you feel of the only person that is required to love you, can’t even do that?” You inquired. “I’m overwhelmed with self-pity, like a kid who found out Santa Claus isn’t real. I’m not sad he doesn’t exist, I’m just sad about not getting a present,” You left Yoongi speechless. “I’ve had my moment of melancholic instability, now what do you want me to do?”

“Tell him what’s happening tomorrow, and don’t hurt him,” Yoongi stated and you nodded.

You steadily walked to the door, twisting the knob to enter, catching the attention of the first man you trusted, “Father, we need to talk.”

“Now who am I to impose on a reunion?” Taehyung mock gasped, “I’ll be outside.” You almost choked on air looking at the perplexed look he gave you.

“Now, you don’t look very dead, do you?” The door closed as your father’s face contorted from shock to a disgusting smile, “My dear-”

“We’re not family anymore,” You said, finally, “You’re as good as Byungjoo to me right now,” You clipped.

“God, she’s really something else,” Hoseok mused, walking in to see this spectacle, “Such mood swings,” He mused.

“I heard she’s stepped onto train tracks and kissed the front of the train when it braked, just for fun,” Taehyung chimed. “Either she has no regard for her life or she’s fearless.”

Yoongi nodded, not sure exactly which you were.

“Such terrible words,” Your father mused and you scoffed.

“Do you think I didn’t hear what you just said?” You stressed.

“I’m shocked you aren’t falling apart,” He chuckled, “I made myself your weak spot.”

“Yet, now all I see is a washed up greedy man,” You mused casually, “However, I didn’t come in here to assert our severed ties were obliterated,” You leveled with him, locking eyes, “Can you guess why?”

“Oh no, are you going to kill me?” Byungyeol fake gasped.

You giggled in response, “Death doesn’t want you, you’re too toxic,” You seethed, “I’m going to turn you in.”

This caught your father’s attention. With the monstrosities that lied behind bars, that was the last place he wanted to go. Your father was loyal to family while he was king, but everyone else were as good as pawns to him. He’s made more enemies than friends, and even those friends have ended up as enemies. After the break out of financial scandal, many people were exposed, arrested, and robbed of their fortune.

“You’re bluffing,” He stiffened at your smile this time, “Nobody likes a snitch.”

“But everyone hates you more,” You retorted.

“You’re guilty too,” He corrected.

You could feel your shield weaken at his words. You were beginning to get scared.

“Yet I am not going to prison, you are,” You chuckled. “Think about it, the little girl you forced and conditioned to kill turns in her tormentor,” You envisioned for him, “The public won’t bat an eye, and you know it.”

“You’re the devil,” He reached out to grab your neck, not squeezing. That’s when your breathing became shallow.

Your lower half was shaking, and Yoongi could tell. You were terrified, “Get her out,” He stated.

“Rot in there with all your kids you’ve locked away,” You spat, however you were motionless.

“But she’s fine,” Taehyung complained, wanting to see the soap opera before him play out.

You could hear your heart beating, filling your ears painfully, you trudged on, trying to look your father in the eye.

“Well not with all of them, isn’t that right?” Your father said darkly, and you stiffened, “I still remember how she begged me to get her out of there, so pathetic-”

“Y/n, it’s time to go,” Yoongi decided to burst in himself.

“What? Don’t want me to see her have one of her dramatic episodes?” Your father asked as Yoongi took your arm.

“I’ve grown out of a lot of things, including you,” You spat. “Tell all my brothers and all your sons hello for me.”

When the door shut behind you, you collapsed. You landed on your wobbly knees, breathing heavily with tears overflowing your eyes. Yoongi was trying to lift you up, but you couldn’t move.

“Jungkook said she is prone to these attacks,” Taehyung mused, “He knows what to-”

The thought of Jungkook taking care of this, over him, made him twitch, “I got it, he has to handle the police chief to go over the plan,” Yoongi lifted you into his arms, legs wrapped around him, and you responded by curling yourself into him, just happy to feel protected in your vulnerable state.

You don’t know when he started or stopped walking, but you felt yourself swaying. It felt nice. You hadn’t meant to render yourself immobile. It was a terribly random act that you despised. You seem to never stop paying the psychological toll your father has on you. You felt so weak.

Yoongi walked quite a bit until he got to the room you woke up in. He was stroking your hair as you tapped in fours on his back, “You’ll be okay,” He cooed, “It’s been a hard few days, I know, it’s okay, breathe with me.” He spoke softly as he laid you down on the bed slowly. By the time your back hit the mattress, you were breathing normally again.

“Impressive, Min Yoongi,” You muttered. “Usually only Jungkook can talk me down,” Yoongi flared a bit internally at the mention, “I apologize for that, just seeing him was so…scary, I was petrified.”

“Nothing to apologize for,” Yoongi dismissed, “You’re one of us, you’re mine,” He reassured you as you closed your eyes.

“Yours,” You scoffed, “How possessive.”

“You should see me when I’m in love,” Yoongi joked.

“I should,” You murmured, “But will I ever?”

Yoongi shrugged, “Get some rest, tomorrow is a big day, isn’t it?” He spoke, walking to the door.

“Yoongi? Why are you keeping me around?” You asked and he stood still.

“I like having you around,” He casually said, “I see your addition as permanent, do you?”

“It’s only been a few days,” You chuckled a bit, “But it feels very permanent, what a funny circle I’ve made of my life.”

Masterlist

#min yoongi #mafia!yoongi #mafia au #bts series #bts scenarios #bts scenario #bts imagines #bts mafia au #bangtan mafia au #yoongi mafia au #yoongi scenarios #yoongi fluff #yoongi angst #cmb network #cmbnetwork

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dammitadolfnomorecake · 4 years

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CSUAPR prt 17 full draft

"Get up!" Waking with something rudely smacking into his face, Keith groaned miserably as he peeled his sleepy dust riddled eyes open and glared at the offending object that had hit him in the face. Pants... Why in quiznak's name was he being hit in the face by a pair of pants, when his head was throbbing like a base drum and some kind of alien fur creature had set up residence in his mouth? Blinking himself to full consciousness as he yawned, Keith had no idea why he was in the bathtub, or how he'd ended up being filled with the desire to burrow back down into the bath and try for another several vargas worth of sleep. Not when the tub was so damn uncomfortable "What happened?" Trying to gather spit in his mouth, all he seemed to do was make the taste lingering there worse. His stomach was making rumbling noises, yet the mere thought of food was enough to drain the colour from your face "I'm not surprised you don't remember. You got yourself wasted doing shots with Krystaal, before sending Lance into a panic attack. He's fine, thanks for asking. Already up and at the festival with Coran. We have a Paladin panel in 15 doboshes, so time to shower and get your shit together" Groaning, Keith closed his eyes and let his head drop back against the rim of the bathtub "I'm allowed to have a drink or two" "Tell that to your pregnant husband" Now, he may just be remembering things wrong, but Lance was the one who told him to go "I'm not having this fight with you. I feel like shit" "Good. I wanted to take him out and cheer him up. Instead he ended up going to bed alone" The coldness coming from Shiro wasn't entirely unexpected. Maybe he had over indulged. It certainly felt like he had "Don't throw that back at me. You're not his husband" "No. I'm not. He was in a vulnerable..." "He's always in a vulnerable state. He had a damn nightmare and ended up in the air vents yesterday..." Hurled up out of the bathtub suddenly, Shiro dropped him. Keith barely keeping from falling over backwards "What the fuck!?" "Lance is your husband. The man you spent years in love with. The man who is absolutely crazy about you" "I know that!" "Then why aren't you getting your shit together!? You're going to be a father!" "I know!..." Screaming at Shiro, Keith's world swam. Sinking on to the edge of the bath, he buried his face in his hands "... I know. But I don't know how to be a father. I don't know how to be a father, Shiro. I don't know how to care for a baby. I don't know how to change a nappy. I don't know what to do for a fever. I don't know... I don't know what to do!" Shiro's sighed heavily as he sat down next to him "Is that what this about? You're scared about being a dad?" "Wouldn't you be? I'm a mess. I'm turning 26 and my life is a mess. My husband won't take his medication. He keeps having panic attacks. He keeps testing me without me knowing it's a goddamn test until I fail... and... Shit, Shiro. I don't know what I'm doing. We can't even make a marriage work. How do we make a marriage and kids work? What does that even look like? He lives for his job. It's more important to him than the health and safety of our babies. Maybe he was right about having an abortion? He's not well. He's not mentally well. He's not physically well. He's hallucinating or his nightmares are out of control. He's got it in his head that the same people who raped him are back. What the quiznak am I supposed to do with that? And mum... God... She made it seem like having kids was awful. Really awful. Vomiting. Fevers. Teething. Sleepless nights. Shit storms... I can't take twins on missions. I don't know how to sit still. I don't think we're ready for this. I don't think I'm ready for this... it's such a big thing. These two tiny lives are going to be dependent on us. An ex-junky as he calls himself, and a Blade member. When things get hard... Lance doesn't have that drug crutch anymore... I don't know what to do if he won't listen to the doctors. If he's not going to try. Why am I going to try?" A very long and pregnant silence hung in the air when he was finished. With each passing tick it was like Shiro was readying himself to explode, then his voice came out dead level, not relieving Keith of his anxieties "Have you tried talking to Lance?" "He doesn't want to listen. He thinks he got this letter yesterday. He thinks we're all in danger and he got mad at me for saying it was probably a nightmare. It was right after Curtis left. He was freaking out because Curtis being cautious on the other side of the door scared him. You know how he gets. You know he gets paranoid. There was no evidence of anything like that..." "It's not paranoia if someone is actually out to get you... You raised the same issue with something happening at the awards ceremony. Now that it has happened, you're rejecting it because you can't control it" "I can't control anything... I don't know what I'm doing and talking to mum only made it worse. I love him, but she... She made me see how... How far I have to go" "Rather than getting drunk with Krystaal, yes, you got drunk with Krystaal as in shot for shot, you should talk to your husband. Lance is feeling all these same anxieties. He loves you, but you're running from him. Talk to him. He might not have been up for talking yesterday, but try. Try until he doesn't have any other option but to answer. I was scared when I took you on, but we turned out alright, didn't we?" He'd gone drinking with Krystaal? Keith could very very vaguely kind of remember running into him... He'd been feeling bad about leaving Lance, but he was sure that Lance had imagined the whole thing. His husband was mad at him, and he was mad at him for being mad at him. He'd been so happy to see the twins, and now he was terrified. Absolutely and completely terrified... He didn't Lance being danger from someone new and unknown. He also didn't want their lives together to suddenly be upheaved. The twins would change everything. The twins would change everything and he didn't know how to have a family. Shiro was right, they'd done alright, but Shiro hadn't needed to wipe his arse or had to go through hours of potentially life threatening labour... "I don't want to hurt him" "You already are, by running" "Running is all I know how to do... Running after him. Running into battle. Running after you" "It take two to make a baby, or twins in this case. There are thousands and thousands of people out there who can never have what you two are going through. Don't take any of it for granted. If you're scared, or if you don't want this, you need to talk to him. You need to let him know where you stand. And you need a shower. You reek like you bathed in that stuff you were shooting. We've probably got about 5 doboshes to be there. Best get a move on" * Running to make the panel on time, Keith and Shiro we're both confused by the sight before them. There were five chairs, for five Paladins, except... in the place of Allura a photo of her sat, occupying one of those spaces. Behind the chairs was a series of banners featuring the faces of the Paladins framed by a thick band of colour responding to the lion they flew. Black for Shiro. Black and Red for Keith. Yellow for Hunk, then Green for Pidge. Allura was in the place of the Blue Paladin... and no signage for Lance. None... It wasn't Voltron without Lance. Lance was the heart and soul of Voltron. They'd never come together if not for him. Joining Hunk, Pidge and Lance, Coran was a few feet away yelling at some event coordinator who'd failed their job over the lack of Lance's presence. At least that was what Keith thought at the time. Opening his mouth to greet his husband, Lance seemed to have prempted the move as he'd disappeared over to Coran's side silently. Elbowing him, Pidge had mischief in her eyes "I hear someone got drunk yesterday" "Shut it, Pidge" "Oooh. Touchy. Yelling about how you and Lance were married... Galactic social media is buzzing with it" Keith frowned at Pidge. If he was yelling how much he loved Lance, or was married to him, then why was he so mad at him "I did what?" "Yep. Right in the middle of your drinking match. You lost me GAC. I expect you to pay up" "You were betting on me?" "I would have put all my GAC on Lance, but he wasn't there to bet on" "Whoa! Hold up. You would have bet on Lance? I'm so confused right now" Pidge rolled her eyes at him with enough sass that the eyeroll didn't seem limited to her eyes alone "Lance works in bar! How many times do you think his customers challenged him to drinks!? How many times has he partied himself to sleep? You can't work in a bar and be a light weight!" "I tried to tell her that Lance doesn't drink that much anymore, but Lance sided with her. Are you ok, man?" Joining in on their conversations, Hunk ignored Pidge nodding enthusiastically, most probably because Lance had agreed, or so he gathered by her gesturing to Lance "I'm fine. I have no idea what we were drinking, but it wasn't that all pleasant to wake up to. Why is there no place for Lance?" Hunk sighed "Lance said that Allura should be on the panel, as it was her sacrifice that saved us all. He said he didn't need a place, but Coran wouldn't let him back down from this. Now they're trying to make a spot for him, despite the fact he doesn't want to be here" Playing it cool, Keith raised his eyebrow, hoping to make the action seem natural "Did he say that?" "Not in so many words... I thought he liked his time being a Paladin..." "That's stupid. He's obviously having too much fun being a bounty hunter. Plus, he's probably struggling with this whole situation. I mean, this is a festival to celebrate his dead girlfriend" Hunk gaped at Pidge, his face loosing some of its colours as his cheeks turned a faint pink "Pidge! You can't say that in front of Keith, he's his husband" Shrugging, Pidge wasn't fazed "Minor detail" "No. No. No. Major detail!" "Keith isn't complaining" "Because Keith loves him. Right, buddy?" "Yeah..." Keith didn't want to be roped into this argument. Pidge started laughing, the noise grating on his throbbing head, her arms wrapped around her waist as she struggled out "You could sound more enthused! What? Trouble in paradise? Are you in the doghouse for getting drunk without him?!" "Ok, guys. That's enough..." By standing behind him, and placing his hands on Keith's shoulders, Shiro drew their attention "We're here to be Paladins, which means putting our game faces on. Do we have any details of what were actually doing? Coran forgot to fill us all in..." Pidge pulled herself together, sounding almost disinterested as she related "He forgot to tell all of this. They ran a "question" box for us the past couple of days. We're going to be given a tablet with questions for each of us on it. We don't have to answer all the questions, buuuuut it's going to be broadcast live across the universe. I've got Matt filming it. I can't wait to see how Keith acts with all this attention" Crossing his arms, Keith scowled at Pidge "I know how to do my job" "Just because you know how to, doesn't mean you won't be awkward as hell..." "Pidge, why do I feel like you've bet GAC on my performance" "Because I have. Ooooh, look. It's Lance and Coran. What a convenient excuse not to continue this conversation" "Pidge!" Pidge was the picture of innocence as Coran and Lance joined them. Lance standing half behind Hunk, refusing to meet Keith's eyes, as Coran filled them in on what was happening. Space had been made for Lance, by squashing them all slightly. The table was made for 5, not for 6. Lance wouldn't hear of Shiro not being on the panel, despite the fact that Keith had ultimately spent more time as the Black Paladin than Shiro had. Before he was ready, Keith was falling into line with the others, a holopad pushed into his shaky hands then the next thing he knew he was walking on to the stage where camera flashes blinded him. Panels were horrible. Panels were horrible enough when sober, doubly so when hung over, and triply so when your husband was sitting beneath a photo of his dead ex-girlfriend, at the opposite end of the panel where he had no chance of talking to him. They were married. They were married and the whole quiznakking universe knew it... So why weren't the happily married couple together? Lance didn't seem to mind. All of their group were already laughing and deep in a four way conversation that had gone right over his head. Keith was out his depth completely. He had no idea that their questions were being screened behind them as they answered, he had no idea that the question time had hit him, and he had no idea of the words on his holopad were actually English because his eyes felt ready to fall out his head. In his own way, Keith was developing a new appreciation for functioning alcoholics. * Keith was in trouble. With the eyes of thousands staring in the direction of his husband, several long ticks had passed since Keith's holopad had started to glow around the sides. Sitting in front of a crowd and answering questions was not how Lance planned his day going. He wanted to sit down and discuss what had happened the previous day with his husband. That was the only way he was going to find some form of mental relief from his racing mind. Despite feeling angry each time his gaze moved to his husband, Lance cleared his throat "Sorry, guys! My husband isn't great with crowds, but that's just something else about him that I love. Now, his question is..." Craning his head back to read the question he made a goofy show of it. It was probably for the best Keith wasn't on the ball "What was the worst part of being a Paladin?" Moving his right thumb and pointer to his chin as if stroking an imaginary beard, Lance hummed. He loathed this attention. He loathed playing at niceties, but knew he had a job to do. He Lance playing Leandro, who was playing Lance. It was the only way he could cope with the public spotlight "The worst thing... Oh, boy! Coran's cooking... the first time he cooked for is... I thought he was trying to kill me! Then there's the time in the middle of the night when Allura would run practice emergency drills... I guess the worst thing of all is that despite Allura's sacrifice, the fact that if she hadn't given her life none of us would be here right now... The worst thing is that we're still fighting while we're trying to recover. And all the little people we couldn't reach in time... but when living on the Castle, it was definitely the time Coran tried to cook for us. I'm sorry Coran! You're our awesome adopted Uncle, but us humans have a weird diet... I think we all would have gone crazy if it wasn't for Hunk's culinary prowess" Flashing the crowd his best smile and finger guns, Lance hoped he'd done enough. Pidge was agreeing now, Keith's holopad was no longer glowing, Shiro leaned back to give him an approving nod, and Hunk was blushing. Reminding himself that each question moved them closer to the end, he looked down to his own holopad. After half a varga, they were all sweating. Pidge was being an angry little gremlin, at the point of threatening to murder the sun because she was done with this heat. Everyone knew the best way to store their little anger muffin was to sit her in a cool dark corner with her tech. Lance was feeling it too. His head felt sinus headache gross, his body suit might keep him cool for the most part, but worked best when his mask was up, which it wasn't, so the rest of him wasn't feeling that great either. No matter how much water he'd drank down, he only felt more and more dehydrated. Feeling his holopad grow warmer as it started to glow, he nearly dropped the device on the table as he vomiting into his mouth. His question being "How did it feel to work for Ambassador Klearo? What do you do now?". It was a simple question. Any number of fans would have seen the broadcasts of him standing behind the man. It didn't mean that he wasn't panicking. It didn't mean simply seeing the image of the man didn't bring all the memories flying back. Lance couldn't do this... Leandro... Channel Leandro "Well..." God. His heart was hammering so fast it felt as if it was going to flying out his mouth "I own a club now, out on Erathus. It's pretty nice there, and safe. The place is called "The Gilded Cage"... We wanted to create a safe place for travellers in the area. My friend Th'al runs it... Um... other than that... I'm Keith's husband and it's pretty much a full time job keeping up with him... it's simple and nice" That funny feeling was spreading through him. His holopad cooled as the colour left. Thumbing through the message list, every message submitted was listed, then chosen at random. That one message soon turned to half a dozen... of Klearo... and the look on Lance's face as the abuse had begun. The fear in his eyes. The disgust. The loathing of every piece of bullshit sprouted from the piece of shits mouth. Then blank emptiness. The change in his expression was almost haunting. It was as if you could see the time it crossed the line. When his whole being had shattered beneath the man, and the men who'd sexually abused him. As he scrolled up, in the hopes of finding evidence that he was being targeted, blood dripped onto the screen. Wiping at it, a second drip landed on his finger. Raising his hand to his nose, drops of blood rolled down his fingers. The holopad falling from his fingers to land on the table, the screen glitching before turning black. "Lan..." Starting to say his name, Pidge realised his nose was bleeding. The woman fishing out a handkerchief from nowhere and pushing it up against his nose so hard Lance was actually pained by the action. Sitting next to him, it was only natural she'd notice. She'd no doubt been caught in a cloud of his stenched up emotional scent, causing her to be more focused on her surrounds "Sorry folks! Even us Paladins are only human! How about this heat!?" Covering for him, Lance was immediately grateful to Pidge, she didn't need to whisper to him to get out of there as she put herself out her comfort zone, it went unsaid like a silent agreement, Lance hightailing it off stage and straight into Coran's waiting embrace. Led away from the stage, and into the background work space where the transmission was being monitored, Coran sat him down on a flimsy fold out chair, forcing his head down between his knees as his nose bleed steadily worsened "One tick my boy. I do believe you're the one who taught me that trick with the cold compress" Lance didn't think that placing a cold compress on the back of the neck was much of a trick, but with how overheated he felt, he'd take a cool anything right now. It was strange how he'd longed to feel something more than cold all the time, his condition had forced him to pay constant attention to his body. Knowing that even if he couldn't feel the effects of the heat internally, the rest of him could. It was like his soul had been frozen, then disconnected from his body, causing a strange disharmony between the pair. It was another reason he'd found himself wondering, more than once, if he was a clone. Returning with a cold bottle of water, Coran held it against his nape. Lance shuddering as his body rejected the cool relief it offered "How's that?" Lying smoothly, Lance nodded "Better..." "Ah... We'll give it a tick to kick in. I'm sorry about what happened out there, my boy. We left the questions open..." "Coran..." There was a gentle plea in his voice "You're right. Perhaps now isn't the time" Now wasn't the time. Never was the time. Those memories were fucking with his head enough. What he saw as clear evidence between the photos he was sent, and the messages on the holopad, he feared bringing up with anyone. As he'd reasoned, the others would too. A fan could have meant no offence, though a fan wouldn't have sent as many messages as they'd had. Hopefully when he had the holopad back in his hands, he could prove to his husband he hadn't been lying... Not that he should have to... No. No. He wasn't going there. He'd briefly bumped into Krolia who'd apologised for Keith's drunken behaviour, explaining how she and Keith had had the "baby talk", and explaining how Keith felt displaced by her coming child. Lance didn't need the talk to know that. It was hard for Keith. Keith didn't know what or how to deal with it. Still. He knew from personal experience that alcohol wasn't the answer. Not that he would turn down a stiff drink, or a dozen right about now. Opening his mouth to reply to Coran, Lance was on the ground before he knew what happened. One tick he was there, feeling quiznak, the next Coran's face was peering into his and Lance felt as if something had zapped every ounce of energy from his body. Neither of them had thought about the sudden and drastic change in body temperature triggering a seizure. Tasting vomit and blood, he wished that was the end when it came to bodily fluids, only... down his legs was wet and cool. His suit catching the mess he'd made, while he'd been out of it long enough for his piss to cool. Blinking sleepily at Coran, Coran smiled softly at him as he tucked a stray hair back from Lance's face. This wasn't the first, second or third time he'd thrown up. The first and second because of his pregnancy, the third because he'd worked himself up simply opening his medication bottle "Seizure?" Slurring heavily, Lance's voice failed to reach his own ears "Yes, my boy. A little over 45 ticks... Keith will be here soon" Coran sounded like he was speaking through fog. He was kind of blurry. His neat orange hair blurred like a fire on his head "Sorry..." "Enough of that... rest..." He didn't want to rest. He was ashamed of his body betraying him in a tent full of strangers. It didn't matter that they were towards the back, mostly out of the way. He was supposed to be a Paladin, which meant staying stronger and never letting the public see your weak side. His mind might have felt like a sludge sundae, but his thoughts had to get that final blow in. * "What kind of an idiot puts something ice cold against their skin when they overheat! You're lucky your heart didn't stop!" Cleaned up by Shiro and Keith, mostly Keith with Shiro's support, Pidge was the first to scold him as she and Hunk joined them in his and Keith's room. Laying with a cold towel folded over his forehead, Lance had agreed he was an idiot in a series of "mhmm" and "uh huh" until she finally ran out of appropriate questions. Shiro stopped her when she started to tease he and Keith, and given he was tired and somewhat sooky, he didn't feel like admitting how nice it felt to have Keith holding his hand. Having spent the last half varga chilling, Lance was ready for a nap, but Pidge and Hunk had decided that hanging around and scolding him needed to morph into a group hang. So Lance contented himself holding Keith's hand, and feeling Shiro's solid presence on the other side of him. There was a feeling that he'd forgotten something, but for now he was happish... or okish... scared, yet safe. Everyone in the room with him knew he was deeply scared by Klearo, each of them in their own trying to be there for him without making it too obvious. When Kosmo teleported into their room with a bark, his fur son decided that the best way to greet them all was to let out the most horrendous silent fart, that sent Pidge and Hunk scrambling off the bed as they gagged. Pulling the wet towel over his face did very little to diminish the stink as Keith echoed the others movements and deserted him. The loss of his hand felt immediately. Whimpering at the connection between him and husband being broken, Shiro stuck his hand under the towel and pinched his nose as if Lance wasn't perfectly capable of doing so himself. Dimly he could hear Keith scolding Kosmo, Pidge laughing and Hunk still gagging. Yet they all felt so far away from him that he and Shiro may as well have been stranded on an island. Kosmo, immune to his own stench, laid happily over Lance's legs. His tail thumping in time with the throbbing of Lance'd head. Unable to stank the stink, Pidge and Hunk only lasted a few moments before opting to bail, Lance deaf to their leaving as he was hyperfixating on the feeling of Shiro's hand against his nose. His trauma well aware that a hand to the nose meant soon water would be poured down his throat until he nearly drowned, or did and they were forced to revive him. He was starting to panic, his body too sleepy and leaden to fight off the man's hand, his hands weakly gripping at the sheets beneath him. Gasping like a reeled in fish, his body finally decided it had reached its limit, allowing him to pass out. * The moment Lance's gasping met Keith's ears, the half-Galra was abandoning his futile attempts to scold Kosmo over the fart bomb he'd dropped, and rushing to pull the towel from Lance's face. Who needed Lions or Bayards, when your cosmic wolf could clear a room with just a simple fart. As Shiro released Lance's nose, Lance lay deathly still, his chest barely rising as Keith held his hand above Lance mouth to check his husband was still breathing "Keith?" "Shut up..." With a gentle exhale, an inhale didn't follow. Keith placing his head against Lance's chest to find it wasn't rising "Fuck! Don't you dare, you stubborn arsehole" Lance was vulnerable. He was vulnerable and Keith hadn't thought that Shiro's touch would send his husband into a panic. Not with the way Shiro was sitting right next to him as if he rightfully belonged there. Not with the way Shiro had supported Lance's weight while Keith peeled off the layer of his husband's clothes then wrestled him out his stupid body suit. Lance was so out of it, he wasn't sure that Lance had any physical strength to protect himself, and usually when in that state would only allow him to touch him, yet his husband didn't seem to care he was naked in front of Shiro. He didn't shy away from Shiro's supportive hand on his hip. No. His husband had leaned into Shiro's touch, sending bitter jealously blooming. He was the only one who was allowed to touch Lance's body. Him. Lance had said so. And despite Shiro being happily in love with Curtis, Keith couldn't barely keep down his instincts. He could barely keep himself from taking a swing at his own brother. Lance had ignored him all morning, then Coran had sent some aid rushing to tell him that Lance had had a seizure. By the time he'd gotten off the stage, and down to communications tent, his husband was slurring as Coran reassured him. Blood and vomit were across Lance's fair and hair. His eyes glassy and unfocused. Pidge being the genius she was, had been the one to realise it was the temperature change that had triggered it, yet they all know seeing Klearo again had hit Lance hard. Each of them hated him in varying degrees, but none as much as him. He'd been all for it when Pidge angrily grumbled about hacking the holopad Lance had been using to find out who had sent that photo in, only when the holopad had been retrieved, it'd fallen wrong against the table and fried the memory chip in it. Ropeable, and concerned for Lance, they'd all kind of felt like being there by his side, even if he was sleeping off the effects of his seizure. Interlacing his fingers, Keith pumped down on Lance's chest, Shiro springing into action when he realised Lance wasn't breathing, moving to give Keith the space to work. Keith gave a dozen panic driven pushes before Lance sucked in a breath, his back arching as his marks glowed brightly. Gasping and coughing, Shiro helped Keith sit Lance up, Lance shaking as Keith grabbed him by the chin "Lance?!" "Mnmm?" "Keith, maybe you should give him some space to breathe?" "Don't tell me how to handle my husband!" Snapping at Shiro caused Lance to whine. Keith feeling like a dick for it the moment the words came out his mouth. But... quiznak! "Sorry. Sorry... something scared him so badly he couldn't breathe..." "It must have been my hand over his face... when Kosmo farted" Shiro looked exactly as Keith felt. His face devoid of colour, and clouded with guilt. Guiding Lance into his lap, Shiro helped getting Lance straddled with his nose against Keith's neck. His favourite secure position "That with having Klearo shoved in his face... Shiro, was I wrong? Did someone send him those photos? someone actually after him again?" "I don't know. I know he was scared and hurt that you didn't believe him" "We keep... not connecting..." "Getting drunk and bottling it up like an idiot will do that. When he comes too properly, talk it out. Or if you still need time to think things out, we can watch him again..." "I don't know... I don't know how to be a dad. I though we'd have more time" "No one's ready to be a parent. And it's not as if these are usual circumstances. He'll listen" "I know he will... that's the problem isn't it. If I repeated anything I said this morning, he's going to bolt" "At least he wouldn't be stuck wondering about how you feel and if you still want this marriage" Keith held his tongue. He still loved Lance. Lance was the air to his lungs... but Lance, kids, and work... He didn't know how to juggle it all. Getting a few vargas sleep with Lance still in his lap, Keith woke with a start. His thoughts spilling into his dream, his mind tormenting him over everything he stood to lose. Starving and thirsty, Keith was surprised to find Lance awake as he carefully untangled his husband's hold on him. The moment their eyes met, things felt all that more awkward between them "I'm... I'm going to get us something to eat, and a drink. Then I think we need to talk" Climbing out his lap, Lance nodded. Settling himself into a ball on Keith's side of the bed, his husband rested his chin on his knees, his voice soft "I'm leaving" Opening his mouth, Keith closed it just as quickly before giving a half shake of his head. Lance wanted to leave? Walk out on their chance to talk? Or... was there something more to this? "Stay here for a tick" To Keith it felt as if Lance was watching his every move as he grabbed up a couple of ration bars, and two glasses of water. Returning to their bed, Lance was at least willing to take the ration bars from him. His glass of balanced near his bare feet. Opening the ration bar, Lance tore off the end with his teeth, eating quietly and ignoring the way Keith watched him. Sighing to himself, Keith did the same, forcing himself to eat half the tasteless bar. They weren't that great, but it wasn't goo "I think we need time apart to think" Dropping those words with dead calm, Lance stole his breath "I think there's some things you need to work out, and I don't want to be on Altea anymore. I talked a little with Krolia. I wish it'd been you who'd explained to me what happened between you and her. Kids. Hey. I get it. It's a huge thing. I can't concentrate on them, me, and walk on nails around our friends. I'm tired of yoyoing more than I was when I was alone. I'm going to ask Krolia to lend me a ship and head to the next training planet" "I know we haven't been connecting... but we just haven't had the chance. You spent most of yesterday sleeping!" Quiznak. He sounded far more accusatory than he meant to "And you spent it getting drunk..." "Only because you were testing me! I don't know how it turned so shit so fast!" "I wasn't trying to test you. I reached out and you made me feel stupid. I'm going to give you a chance to think. About what you absolutely truly want. Me. Me and the twins. If you want to take the out. My head is a mess. I don't want to be here. You're still wanted here. You still have things to work out. You should take the time to think it through" "Don't I get a say? You had a seizure, then a panic attack so severe you stopped breathing. I have to pump your chest until you finally took a breath... We've only been here a few days. You're not taking your medication..." "No. I've been forcing myself to drink enough water that I go to sleep needing to pee and wake up nearly wetting myself. I've been scoffing down these bars because they're like the only thing I don't throw up. So don't say I'm not trying. You knew I messed up, you told me I could trust you. You made me trust you. And I thought you actually saw me. Now I don't want to fight. I want to think. You don't think I'm scared? I know all the risks with pregnancies because I come from a huge family. It doesn't get that big without things happening... I'll keep your twins safe until you make a choice. I don't know how to be a dad. A little brother and an uncle. A drunk and druggie. I've got that covered. A dad. A mother. I don't know what to call myself other a freak. You make the choice. I can't trust myself anymore, apparently" The last part was definitely a jab at him. It was the only part where Lance's voice had held any emotion. His husband sounded like Leandro. Leandro when they'd first crossed paths again "That's not what I want" "Then what do you want?" "I don't know" Lance sighed "Exactly. We have all this festival stuff happening while trying to fix this mess of a marriage. I hate being in the crowds. I hated being on the panel. I..." Lance frowned as his sentence stopped abruptly "You, what?" "I... no. It's better I talk to Shiro. You should enjoy the festival" "What can you say to Shiro, that you can't say to me!?" "I don't know what I can say to you anymore. I love you. I love you more than anything, but that doesn't fix our marriage. I know you're stuck lying to everyone because of me again... I don't want to be a burden on you... but I'm scared. Everything that makes us "us", is going to change. I'm scared. I don't want a life of just... just sex... sleep... eating... and what? I don't know how to settle down anymore. I thought... I thought us having our own home would... we would have... That we'd be together more than we were. I don't know where we're going to live... I'm such a fucking screw up... I can't even keep my husband happy... I was proud... maybe that was it. I was proud of our room and our space. I tried my hardest to make it as relaxing as I could for you. I wanted you to feel at home, but you don't" Lance wiped at his face, Keith biting the insides of his cheeks. It was his fault. He hadn't spoken up to his mother. He'd thought himself capable of handling everything. He'd thought himself agitated and annoyed, yet he hadn't sought his mother out sooner. He hadn't sat down with her and asked his hours to be cut or to be rotated off the training roster. Even when he thought about it, or grumbled, he hadn't sat down with Krolia and said it sooner. Maybe that had been his pride? Krolia kept giving him work because she was proud of him. It seemed to him that their combined pride had led to things winding up as they had. "Let me come with you. We can go ahead. We can figure out how we're going to conduct our training exercise. Krolia doesn't really tell us about the planet... so we could think up something before the others come?" Lance sighed at him "That's not going to work" "Why not?! Things only became complicated because of the others. We didn't see them the day of our date... and I thought we had good time?" "You were practically high on seeing your twins for the first time. Being responsible for these two lives hadn't sunk in... I think it was... it was the best day of my life. You're so quiznakking sweet to me. You treat me amazingly... then... you get stuck in your own head. It wasn't my... I was not trying to test, or you drive you to drink with Krystaal. I wanted to cuddle without talking seriously... I wanted you to tell me how things went with Krolia... I want you to be able to rely on me, Keith. I know my seizures have been hitting frequently, but... sometimes they don't hit for weeks..." Of course he was high on seeing their twins. Their tiny little noses. Their tiny hands. Their tiny bodies. Their children. Half him. Half Lance... They were barely more than a bunch of cells caused by their lack of sense with contraceptives. But... would they even survive if Lance kept having seizures? "The pills would help with that" "I can't, ok! I know they're not the same, but thinking about them... I can't! I'm eating these bars. I'm forcing myself to keep eating!" Holding his hands up in surrender, Keith knew he should have expected the backlash "Right. Fine. I'm sorry for worrying. Did you at least eat last night? How did you know I was drinking?" "Shiro, Curtis, and I had a pizza and beer night. Shiro was trying to make me happy, so we were going out for drinks. He wanted to invite both of us to celebrate his win, but couldn't find you. He made me get dressed up. Anyway, Curtis was waiting outside the tent you were drinking in. I had a panic attack, then begged Curtis to go grab beer and pizza, we came back to their room and watched his win while you slept in their bathtub" "I don't remember that" Opening his second ration bar, Lance nodded "I'm not surprised. You were going shot for shot with Krystaal. I don't know what you were drinking, but when you saw me you started yelling about me being your husband, then got kind of mad... not mad, annoyed? when I was panicking... This is why... This is why I think we should take a few days apart. That way you can get your thinking straight" Now they were back on that... He didn't want to leave Lance alone. He only needed... a few vargas... "I know I quiznakked up... but... we're supposed to be talking this out!" Lance wasn't one to talk with a mouthful, yet the way he was tearing into the ration bar, his husband had seemingly forgotten swallowing and chewing was a thing "Keith, I can smell the confusion on you! You smelt of fucking rejection yesterday. I've already got a plan for the next planet. Krolia will ok it once we talk it out. I'll be there for like 4 quintants..." "You'll be alone! I get that you don't want to be a... that you don't want an easy life or whatever, but what if... What if you get so scared that you stop breathing again? Then what? I can't fucking lose you, you idiot! No. You're not going alone" Lance had stopped fucking breathing! He'd needed CPR! Now he was sitting there, filling his face and acting like him nearly dying was a perfectly acceptable thing! Like quiznak he was letting his husband do something silly and dangerous without him... In order to be two halves of the same idiot, both idiots needed to be present. Besides. With everyone filling his head with so much information, hadn't it occurred to Lance that maybe Keith needed a break from everyone? Krolia had given him the baby talk. Shiro's was telling him to talk to Lance, but not to, then to. Lance was still melting down. His husband had even had to cover him at the panel. Surely he'd fulfilled a centuries worth of Paladin duties sitting there under the sun. He'd even gotten sunburnt for his troubles. Fiddling nervously with the ration bar wrapper, Lance talked to his hands "Keith. How are you supposed to think things through between us, if I'm there with you?" "You said you had plans for the next planet... if I put you in charge of the training exercise... you and Kosmo can set it up or whatever. I promise I won't interfere... I'll stay back... just... I feel like if you leave right now, it's only going to get worse between us... I don't want to lose you, but... you're right. I am kind of freaking out over it all. Kids... I know we're not the same kids that were sent into space, but when I think about being 27... I don't feel my age..." "And you think I feel 24? I still remember everything that happened like it was yesterday... all of it. That's why... I need to go" They lost three years to the void, and he was gone for two with his mother. 6 phoebs had been all it took for Voltron to nearly break. For Lance to break... All their time together had failed to keep Lance sustained through his absence. Then there was Kuron, who'd physically harmed Lance... Pidge and Hunk who'd abandoned him. Lotor who'd weaselled his way in... Lance might have made peace with them, but he still hadn't made peace with his memories. "We'll go together. The three of us. You, me, and Kosmo. We'll work it out together. It'll be like a family camping trip..." "Keith..." Lance was wavering. Lance was wavering and he could see it! "You can boss me around. Whatever. As long as I'm with you, I can do anything..." "That's not fair..." "I don't care if it's not fair. Just don't leave me behind" Lance sighed deeply, flopping back on the bed and spilling his glass of water everywhere as he did. Groaning as he craned his neck to to stare at the reason why his feet were wet "Fiiiine. Dios. I'm an idiot for agreeing, and you better do what I say. No arguments. I have a plan to fix your team work and individual skills, and I won't let you stop me. Don't treat me differently. I'm fucking pregnant, not dying. Don't forget the difference. And do not think for one quiznakking moment that I will not have Kosmo teleport you to the other side of the planet if you get in my way. Plus. You're sleeping in the wet spot... and don't even think about touching me until I give you permission. I'm still hurting, and I'm still livid at you" "Ok..." "So you better figure out the hell is going on with you, and you better stay away from me until you do. I'm going back to sleep. I want to get a few vargas before your kids have me on the bathroom floor again" Keith hadn't taken into account Lance's morning sickness, but it was just another reason for Lance not to be left alone "I..." "Don't. Not until you've done the think" There was no mistaking that. Keith may have just won the battle, but Lance... Lance was the the final boss and he had a long long quest chain to go...

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confessions-of-a-former-fat-guy · 7 years

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Confession 21: A boy, the Open, and that weird spinny feeling.

So that’s it. The 2017 CrossFit Open is over. I feel like I speak for most of us when I say, whew. A big sigh of relief is necessary for many this year, it seems. I don’t know if it was that all of the workouts (aside from 17.3 if you sucked like me) were long or if it was just that they were insanely hard (as they’re supposed to be), but I am beat up today. I’m proud of myself, as all of us should be, but I am beat up. I had a number of goals this year. The first was to do every workout as prescribed. Last year I only did two of the workouts Rx because there were so many movements I hadn’t figured out yet and weights I knew I couldn’t lift. It’s a year later and I’ve figured out most of the movements well enough to do at WOD speed. I’m stronger, so most of the weights are manageable. This goal I achieved and I’m really, really proud of myself for that. That in itself shows I’ve made a ton of progress. These are super hard workouts designed to test the fittest people on the planet. Now, I was nowhere even remotely close to performing the workouts at the level of a Games athlete. I don’t care. It has never been and never will be my goal to be a Games competitor. But the fact that I can complete these workouts that the fittest people on Earth are doing makes me feel pretty damn good. Whether you qualified for Regionals, did every workout Rx for the first time, or did every workout scaled, completing these workouts in any capacity is an achievement in itself. It’s impressive. And if you’re reading this and just finished your first Open or your tenth, be proud of yourself. You are impressive and strong and fit and a goddamn force to be reckoned with. You’re amazing. Give yourself all the credit in the world. These are tests and we passed and we came out on the other side better than we were. Go you. Go me. 17.1 was a burner. The introduction of the dumbbell to the CrossFit Open. I’m really glad they dropped the hints leading up to the Open (even if it was to sell out Rogue’s inventory) and our coaches had the wherewithal to program the dumbbell snatch in a WOD before it showed up in this workout. I did this workout twice because I was so close to finishing the 225 reps under the time cap that I just had to. I was 19 reps short my first try and 7 reps short my second try. Close, but not quite there. I was super bummed that I couldn’t get it done, but it was a new movement with a new piece of equipment and I wasn’t sure what to expect in the first place. Oddly enough the dumbbell snatches weren’t the problem. It was those goddamn burpee box jumps that blew my soul to pieces and left them scattered across the gym floor. F those things. Zortmans are not jumpers. When colossal d-bag Dave Castro announced 17.2 I was both excited and terrified. Dumbbells showed up again in the 100 lbs in the front rack walking lunge. Gross. Who thinks this is a good idea? I guess the guy who spent 7 days with corn rows at the Games last year, that’s who. But, the saving grace, the thing I was excited for, was bar muscle-ups. I just somewhat recently got my first muscle-up and was really happy to see them show up in an Open workout. Getting to them was another story. Those stupid lunges wrecked me and took far longer for me than they did for just about anyone else, it seemed. I struggled hard to get through the three sets of those before I could tackle the muscle-ups. I did, though, and I ended up getting 6 muscle-ups in that workout. My goal was 5, so I beat that. Yay! Gluten/sugar/frosting/taste free cupcakes all around. Through two workouts I was still feeling strong, excited, and confident about what I’d done so far in the Open. I was in the top third in the world and state for men. Much improved on my top 60% (or bottom 40% if you’re a dick) from last year. I felt really good about that. Another goal of mine was to be in the top 50% in the world, so to see myself in the top 33% felt really satisfying and kept my spirits up after two really hard workouts. Then, 17.3 happened. Strangely, this is the workout I did best on in terms of where I stood compared to the rest of the world, but it is the one that broke me. Chest to bar pull-ups, fine. Squat snatches? Not so fine. Probably the most technical Olympic lift and the one that haunts my dreams and leaves me waking up in a pool of sweat. My shoulders and groin hurt just thinking about them (and after 17.3, my pride). I knew going into this workout that if I got to the round with 185 lb snatches I was screwed. The heaviest I’ve ever done is 165 and that was as ugly as any snatch has ever been (I’ll leave that alone). I felt OK about the rounds of 95 lbs and 135 lbs, though. How disgustingly optimistic of me. I got through the rounds of 95 lbs fine enough, then struggled and failed on my first two or three attempts at 135, a weight I know I can do without many issues. I finally settled in and got through one round at 135 before my time ran out. This was the shortest workout for me since I didn’t get through the three rounds at 135 in under 8 minutes, but that’s all the time it took to crack my confidence. I fell apart after that workout. I came back the next day to try again and couldn’t get 135 as high as my waist. I struggled and failed for four minutes and stomped out of the gym ready to never come back. I wrote a long post about how I wasn’t sure I want to do this CrossFit stuff anymore. That I’ve lost my motivation and my love for it (see two posts ago). A lot of people stepped in and set me straight and I saw the light. I do still love CrossFit, but I needed rest, which isn’t something I had been able to admit to myself before. I’d also been having some issues with dizzy spells for a couple weeks, but they were very brief and weren’t causing me any issues, so I sort of just ignored it and went about my business. Leading up to 17.4 they had started to get a little worse. They were lasting minutes instead of seconds and were becoming much more frequent. So, at the urging of my girlfriend and many at the gym, I took a couple days off before I came in for 17.4, which I was excited about because it was a repeat from a workout in the 2016 Open that I knew I could improve on. My head wasn’t feeling great when I got to the gym that day, but I went ahead with the workout anyway. And I did better than last year. A lot better. But not as well as I know I could have. 55 deadlifts at 225 lbs, 55 wall balls, 55 calories on the rower, and 55 handstand pushups in 13 minutes. Last year I got through 27 calories on the rower before I hit the time cut off. This year I got through the entire row with a minute to spare. Awesome! 28 reps better in a full minute less. I’d have 60 seconds to work on handstand pushups, which I’ve never done in a workout before. Not so much. The second I stepped off the rower I almost passed out. I could hardly stand. Everything was spinning and my vision was going in and out. Instead of trying for a couple handstand pushups, I spent that minute (and about 15 after) trying to stay upright and conscious. Not good. I’d never felt that way after a workout. Not when I weighed 315 lbs. Not any time between then and now. It scared the crap out of me, so I took the weekend to rest. I had been feeling better and hadn’t had any issues all weekend, so I went in for the normal workout on Monday, which was fine. I didn’t have any issues before, during, or after the workout. Then, at work the next day the dizziness hit and never went away. I spent the whole day (and the next three) sitting at my desk in a fog trying to focus on my work and not falling to the ground. Something was pretty obviously wrong. I was, admittedly, terrified. So much so that I sped home in the middle of the day one day, woke up my girlfriend who was in the middle of working 6 out of 7 overnights (learned a lesson there), and told her I was pretty sure I was dying. I took the rest of the week off training because I wasn’t sure I could get through a workout or if it was even healthy for me to be out there. I went to everyone’s favorite chiropractor and felt much better. I didn’t have any issues with dizziness for almost three days, so I decided it should be OK for me to go in and do 17.5. As luck would have it, the dizziness came back about an hour before the workout, but wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been. I had made it this far and was committed to finishing the Open and doing this workout as prescribed. 90 thrusters and 350 double unders…yeah, all that up and down should be fine for someone dealing with dizziness issues…totally fine. OK, not so much. Somewhere in round three the dizziness kicked in HARD. My vision was going in and out and focusing on what I was doing was becoming seemingly impossible. I gutted it out and finished the workout, which I’m proud of. It took me probably 6-7 minutes longer than it should have since I spent so much time trying to rein my eyesight in, but I finished it and there it was, my goal of doing every workout as prescribed this year. Today as I write this I’m not sure where I stand in the world, state, or inter-gym rankings. I don’t care, honestly. I imagine I fell after 17.5, but it doesn’t matter because I hit every goal I had for this year’s Open. My body hurts and my head is still cloudy (which I’m being treated for), but I feel really good about what I was able to achieve. My body is truly capable of things I never thought possible, even when I’m not feeling anywhere near 100%. The improvement in what I can do over what I did last year is evident, obvious, and pretty freaking amazing. I did not qualify for Regionals. I did not finish in the top 10 in my gym (we have amazing athletes at Viral – you guys are animals). I probably fell out of the top 33% in the world. Whatever. I really do not care. This Open was hard. Much harder than I remember last year being. That may be credited to the fact that I did all the workouts Rx or cool guy Dave Castro upping the ante. I don’t know the exact reason, but it was freaking hard for everybody (except maybe Matt Fraser, but he’s a psycho – I mean that with the utmost respect). It was hard for me. I went through some stuff during this Open. A major blow to my confidence and self-esteem. Questioning if this is all right for me. Questioning myself as an athlete. Fighting through what, to me, has been a really scary health issue. It was hard. But as hard as it was, it was worth it. I proved some things to myself. I can overcome setbacks. I can push through pain and fatigue. I can take some rest when I need to. Hopefully others can relate or celebrate other successes. Maybe you PR’d your squat snatch. Maybe you got your first muscle-up. Maybe you were top in your gym of all scaled athletes. Maybe you showed up and did your best for all five workouts. Whatever it was, you did it. You should be proud. I know I am. I’m also very ready to get back to regular programming and training to do even better next year. Here’s to another Open season and to a clear head going forward.

#crossfitopen #crossfit #fitness #dizzy

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