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annalyticall · 8 months

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Thoughts on Attack on Titan

Me being 10 years late to things, I was recently convinced to watch Attack on Titan and I ended up binge-watching the entire anime (and reading the final manga chapters) these last two weeks. I had purposefully been dragging my feet about watching this show since I had heard so much controversy surrounding it; that it was sexist, pro-fascist, pro-nazi, pro-imperialist, pro-propaganda, and heavily anti-Semitic. All pretty good reasons to stay away from something, I think.

But then I saw a video about how the criticisms leveraged against it were not quite so black-and-white, and how the show was more complex than those labels gave it credit for. Admittedly, that piqued my interest. I want to come to my own conclusions about the media I consume, so I decided to watch it with an open mind and a discerning eye.

And boy did I discern... a lot.

I am recording my very very lengthy opinions about Attack on Titan and its manga ending under the cut, mostly so that if anyone asks how I feel about certain things portrayed in the show, I can reference them to this post. Here's a quick table of contents:

The Themes

The Good

The Bad

The Problems

The Characters

Conclusion (and why Jean is the best character you can't change my mind)

Anime and Manga spoilers ahead.

The Themes

Attack on Titan tackles a lot of different themes throughout the course of the story. Possibly too many. Right now, I'm listing the big ones I noticed here because I will be referencing back to them later. Also note I am stating these themes as they are presented in the text, not as my own personal beliefs.

The human desire to create meaning in life and death. Does dying for a cause give life meaning? If the cause is hopeless, would dying for that cause be in vain? Is it enough to know that the living will continue your legacy after death? Does honoring the dead give their life meaning? Is the gift of life itself meaningless if not used to ensure humanity's ongoing survival? Is it enough to simply exist? Characters that most embody this theme: Zeke, Eren, Armin, Jean, Levi, Hange, Erwin, Historia, Ymir (of the Cadets), Marlow.

Everyone is shackled to a dream. Does the desire to fulfill a dream make you a slave to it? Will devoting your life to a dream of freedom make you paradoxically a slave to the very ideal? Will the hope of achieving a dream drive people to do terrible things they never would have otherwise? Is true freedom in the ability to let go of a long-held dream? Characters that most embody this theme: Erwin, Eren, Levi, Kenny, Armin, Jean.

The corrupting power of love and loyalty. Similar to an enslaving dream, will blind devotion to someone (in a romantic, platonic, subordinate, or familial relationship) drive that person to do terrible things just to be with them or make them happy? How far can that love go? Is blind devotion even love? Is it wise to love if it creates fatal weakness? Characters that most embody this theme: Mikasa, Armin, Eren, Zeke, Annie, Reiner, Falco, Historia, Ymir (of the Cadets), Ymir (The Founder).

The cycle of violence is endless. As long as more than one person is alive on Earth, there will always be conflict. Is it worth fighting to break the cycle when the cycle is inevitable? Is it necessary to perpetuate the cycle in order to survive in a world that forces violence? Is humanity worthy of saving if saving it demands the loss of one's own humanity? Characters that most embody this theme: Erwin, Eren, Armin, Reiner, Jean, Floch, Hange, Levi.

The pursuit of truth and wonder are the driving forces behind humanity's ability to work together. Propaganda and the obstruction of truth might work to pacify the populace short-term but will always be defeated once people put in the effort to truly understand others and the world they live in. The promise of discovery and truth are invaluable sources of hope and ingenuity. Characters that most embody this theme: Hange, Armin, Erwin.

People are people. Everyone is capable of great evil or great kindness, regardless of what nation, class, or race they were born into. Everyone has strengths and everyone has weaknesses. Everyone is influenced by their own hopes and dreams. The recognition of these innate similarities is crucial for forgiveness and acceptance across boundaries. Characters that most embody this theme: Reiner, Jean, Eren, Armin, Sasha, Gabi, Falco.

There is no accurate measure of good and evil. Being a "good person" is subjective, based more on personal goals and cultural ideals than on a base standard for "good." When faced with a difficult decision, perhaps it is best to choose whatever option will cause the least regret, a measure that is unique to everyone depending on an individual's values and on unknown outcomes. Live a life you can be proud of. Characters that most embody this theme: Armin, Annie, Levi, Jean, Eren, Reiner, Gabi, Ymir (of the Cadets), Historia

As you might have noticed, I chose to summarize many of these themes in a list of questions, and for good reason: oftentimes, the theme is raising a question but is almost never interested in giving it a straightforward answer. Instead, AOT will often raise a question, and over the course of the story, you get to come to your own conclusions depending on how the characters act. For example, I listed Jean as a character that embodies "meaning in life and death." Does Jean give Marco's death meaning by honoring his memory and values each time he's faced with a moral dilemma? That's up for the audience (and Jean) to decide.

Compared to other shonen that tackles similar themes and questions, this freedom of interpretation was novel for me, and for the most part, I loved it. Fullmetal Alchemist is the only other shonen I can think of that I've seen that touches on similar subject matter, but the tone of FMA is not nearly as dark, bleak, or ambiguous. While I also love FMA, the world of AOT is much more harrowing to navigate, and I found it exhilarating to have my preconceptions of its world challenged at every turn. Such a thematic approach felt grounded since real life is also not so easy to navigate. Unfortunately, this also has a glaring downside, which I will discuss in my "The Problems" section.

The Good

The first 3 seasons and almost everything that entails. To be quite honest I have very little to criticize about this show before the basement reveal. The pacing is almost perfect and I was always on the edge of my seat wanting to know more. The mysteries are intriguing and, upon slowly getting more and more answers, the narrative either only raised more tantalizing questions or completely recontextualized previous scenes, constantly giving the show new breath. The action is exciting, the stakes are heart-poundingly high, the losses are devastating, and the gore is graphic and stomach-churning but I think it necessary to absorb the horrifying and hopeless nature of the setting, which serves to heighten the few victories the characters actually do get to experience. There also isn't much of The Problems yet in these seasons.

The music. The soundtrack is undoubtedly one of the best aspects of this show and is quality throughout.

Animation. While I prefer the fluid and expressive animation of the first three seasons compared to MAPPA's comparatively stiffer animation of the final season, MAPPA still gave plenty of jaw-dropping sequences for the most impactful moments.

A tragic, queer, CANON romance. The fact that Ymir is canonically lesbian is amazing to me if only because I haven't watched a shonen yet where one of the main cast is actually lesbian, let alone has a significant portion of screen time devoted to establishing her unambiguous feelings for another woman who also reciprocates her feelings. AND THEN their romance ends tragically in-universe not because it's gay but because of narrative circumstances that were simply beyond their control or understanding. "My only regret is not marrying you." How romantic is that?

Female character design. Specifically all the big noses. As a big-nose-haver it makes me happy to see women have big noses and still being seen as pretty. That, paired with the fact that women are hardly ever sexualized and are often portrayed just as strong if not stronger than the men was nice to see after being exposed to so many infantilizing and sexualizing shonen tropes. That said, there could have been more diversity in body shape and skin tone.

The setting (of Paradis). I am going to stress here that I strictly like the world-building of Paradis, which is the main setting of the first three seasons. Marley and the rest of the world after Season 3? I'll get into that later.

Erwin vs. Armin. I consider Levi's decision to save Armin over Erwin to be the true thematic climax of this story, and I thought it was exceptionally well done. I've seen endless arguments about whether or not saving Armin was the right choice, so I'll throw in my two cents: if you think Levi should have saved Erwin, you are Missing The Point. In this moment, Levi, a character who fights for the greater good but is not quite as pragmatic as Erwin and who has a deep hope for humanity's future but is not quite as idealistic as Armin must make an emotional choice here, not a tactical one. Maybe saving Erwin might have been better for the Scouts, but the truth is Erwin was selfish, and Levi had already come to terms with this when he told his old commander to "give up on your dream and charge to your death." Armin, on the other hand, had a pure and selfless dream about the world outside the walls, and that is what Levi decided to value for humanity's future. That is the symbolic meaning of that decision, not whether or not Erwin would have been a tactically better commander.

It is enough to simply exist. Manga spoilers for the final chapters ahead. I said this was a question raised by one of the main themes of the story, "Is it enough to simply exist?", and I was pleasantly surprised that the ending gave it an answer through the conversation Armin has with Zeke. After so much deliberation about genocide, sterilization, war, the inherent and unbreakable cycle of violence, and so many other depressing themes surrounding the depraved nature of humanity, having the main takeaway for the series be "we were put on this Earth simply to enjoy it and to enjoy each other" was a cathartic release. I know I'm probably going to cry when that bit is animated.

The Bad

The frustrating thing that is Eren Yeager. I suppose this is biased but I really do not gel with Eren. Even in his Season 1-3 era I did not like him and his one-track angry boy mind, only ever finding him tolerable during the Uprising arc when he got a healthy dose of humility which he immediately ruined with his pitiful self-flagellation in the midst of a dire titan battle but I digress. This characterization does make a whole lot more sense though when he enters Season 4, when all of his personality traits are only slightly twisted in order to make him the villain, ala Walter White. Didn't make him any less frustrating.

The frustrating thing that is Mikasa Ackerman. She started out great. Then Eren turned into a titan for the first time and things quickly went downhill. After that, it seems like her character was retroactively changed from being the stoic and protective older sister to being the blindingly devoted and fussy love interest. I might have been okay with it if she had ANY other defining character traits, or hell, even any relationships outside of Eren and Armin. Manga spoilers, but she doesn't even have a strong relationship with Jean, who she apparently marries in the epilogue. Between Eren and Mikasa being two of the three main characters, I unfortunately felt very little towards them which was a not-so-small problem in my enjoyment of the series.

The humor is... fine. I get it, a show as dark as Attack on Titan probably shouldn't try to be funny, nor would I expect it to be. Still, the few attempts at humor it did have fell flat for me, especially when a lot of it leaned on Sasha's potato and meat gags (and a really uncomfortable torture gag after the Uprising Arc? Hey, what was that about? That was kinda fucked up, right?) Now that I think about it, the hardest I ever laughed while watching this show was when Reiner nonchalantly tells Eren that he and Bertolt are the Armor and Colossal Titans simply because I wasn't expecting the biggest bombshell reveal of the story thus far to be so casually dropped like that.

The Titan mechanics got so fucking convoluted. Don't get me wrong I love a good mystery and I don't necessarily mind the supernatural time-warping twists that the Titan storyline took up to a point. It's just that the story kept adding so many conditions to Titan powers and lore that it was getting hard to keep track of it all. Okay, so the Colossal Titan will create an unavoidable nuke during transformation even though it clearly didn't do that at the raid on Trost, sure. Okay, so Reiner can survive a fatal injury to his person as long as he manages to transfer his consciousness to the Titan body first, sure. Okay, so Eren can't awaken the Founding Titan's ability unless he's in contact with someone of royal blood, sure. Okay, so the Founding Titan's abilities can alter the biology of all Eldians, and also control all Titans, and also deactivate all Titan hardening, and also impose the will of the king onto all its future royal successors, but it's somehow NOT the Titan with the power to see the future? Sure? Okay, so Falco inherited the Jaw Titan, but because he was originally turned with Zeke's spinal fluid, he ALSO inherited aspects of the Beast Titan even though Zeke is still the Beast Titan and it's never been established that the spinal fluid used for the original Titan transformation affected the inheritance of Titan shifter abilities? Why not, at this point.

Uprising Arc and its overly simplistic military coup. I didn't dislike the arc as a whole, but it was a very lengthy detour from the main objectives the series was already on track for and added to the repetition of Eren getting kidnapped. Additionally, I thought the coup to overthrow the old government was too... easy? It was really only made up of two setups: one to expose the corruption of some random military police guy to the press and turn public opinion in favor of the Scouts, and one to expose the government's selfishness to the military commanders enough to convince them to depose their current leaders and pardon the Scouts. Then the Scouts essentially say "Hey Historia here just killed a Titan and has royal blood (trust us) so she's going to be the queen now. Please ignore the fact she is also a Scout and therefore could easily be a puppet queen for the military branch that was until very recently public enemy number one" and everyone just kinda accepts this. I don't know, it didn't do much to sell me on realism in a world that had done so up until that point.

Wow, the stakes are getting pretty high, I wonder if... WAIT, 80%?! That was kind of my reaction to the whole manga finale. I don't mind high stakes, but when we're talking about the horrific genocide of 80% of humanity at the hands of our main character, uh, that scale is a little hard to grasp. This also feeds into The Problems, which I'll get into later, but all in all, I think after a certain point the story just got too big for me to stay believably invested in what was actually happening.

Endgame plot thread irrelevance (especially for the female characters). Why did Historia get a whole story arc just to be sidelined and pregnant for the whole rest of the story? What happened to Yelena? What happened to Mikasa's relationship with the Azumabito clan? What's the deal with Ymir? So many things were rushed at the end that it was disappointing to see so much setup for very little payoff. Unfortunately, the female characters seemed to get the brunt of this.

The Problems

Okay, so this section is basically why I made this post to begin with. I want to address all of the criticisms I've seen for Attack on Titan and give my honest opinion on them because, yes, I do think it's more complex than I've seen people give it credit for, but neither is it free of harmful interpretations either.

On the topic of being Pro-Imperialist, Pro-Nazi, Pro-Facsist, and Pro-Propaganda: Attack on Titan is positioned against all these things. Just because a media depicts something doesn't mean it's condoning or endorsing it. Imperialism, fascism, and propaganda are all present in the story but are very often forces that the main characters must fight against. It might not go as far as to say "military bad" but it definitely says "war bad, genocide bad, euthanasia bad, blind devotion to one's country bad" and a whole host of other issues that it does not depict in a favorable light. Now, the viewpoints of the mangaka might be in question, and I can't say much about the way he supposedly views Imperialist Japan. I'm just saying, in the context of the show, I don't see an unquestioning approval of imperialism being portrayed here.

On the topic of Sexism: eh, maybe. It feels weird to be so nonchalant about that but to be honest, it's not prevalent enough to stand out compared to other shonen. Female characters might not always see fully fleshed-out arcs, but neither are they handled in a way I would deem sexist other than the very strange exception of Mikasa's one-sided obsession with Eren somehow mirroring the "love" a child bride sex slave had for her abuser 2000 years ago. That said, strong characters like Annie, Ymir (of the Cadets), and Gabi manage to have fairly compelling motivations and growth while also being love interests. There's really no fan service to speak of, and some of them even get to be gay. So, you know, I'll take it.

On the topic of Anti-Semitism (Disclaimer: I am not Jewish): yeahhhhhhh... so, up until the end of Season 3, I was confused about this claim. I mean, there were Titans, mindless man-eating monsters that could resemble the blood libel spread about Jewish people, but I thought it was a bit of a stretch. Besides, while the walled city is evidently based on 19th-century Germany, there isn't really a divide between the people who live there and the people who can turn into Titans; given the right conditions, any human character in the show could potentially turn into a Titan, so I didn't see the problem. If anything, I thought it was just a modified take on the zombie apocalypse genre.

Then the basement reveal happened, where it's revealed the walled city we had been following the last 3 seasons wasn't actually the last bastion of humanity as both the audience and the cast once believed; it is actually an island where distinct people called Eldians fled to escape the persecution they faced for their unique ability to turn into Titans. Turns out the rest of the world is populated by many diverse cultures who all hate the Eldians for their ancient Titan-enabled crimes against humanity. The Eldians who aren't trapped on the island of Paradis live in the gated ghettos of the Nazi-Germany-coded nation of Marley and are forced to wear star-embroidered armbands to denote their subhuman status.

Okay. Yikes, I thought. But I still gave it a chance, because as I mentioned before, just because something is depicted in media doesn't mean it's being supported or condoned. I was hoping that, at some point, the claim that Eldians committed atrocities with the Titans or the claim that only Eldians can turn into Titans would be proven wrong. Neither of these hopes came to fruition. It's revealed that Eldians did a lot of good with their Titan powers, true, but they also waged endless warfare in the name of a King that enslaved them. So, while they weren't really to blame, they certainly did commit the crimes that earned the world's ire.

This is a problem. If the imagery of the armbands and the WW2 ghettos were never involved, perhaps I could give the story the benefit of the doubt and see the Eldians as a fictional race created for the purpose of illustrating the cycle of violence and the need to relate to each other as humans first. But the problem is, they are very explicitly compared to Jewish people, thus insinuating, whether intentionally or not, that Jewish people do have these monstrous qualities and did commit crimes that earned them the oppression they continue to face when in reality, they did nothing to deserve it.

As an additional "yikes," there's also the questionable existence of the Tyber family, the only Eldian family in Marley allowed to have wealth and political influence. It's revealed that the Tybers have essentially been pulling Marley's strings the whole time, which... wow, really doesn't do much for anti-Semitic conspiracy theories that Jewish people are actually in control of everything, huh. Thankfully, the Tyber storyline is short-lived, but then there's the Yeagerists, a fascist Eldian party that wants to counter-genocide the entire world before it can genocide Eldians. Triple yikes. Let's throw in Zeke's plan for forced sterilization against his own people for a solid quadruple yikes.

However, there are also important distinctions to make between Eldians and Jewish people that are in the story's favor. While the Eldian people of Marley are mistreated and considered subhuman, Marley still puts in the effort to brainwash them into thinking they are the "good" Eldians in order to earn their unconditional loyalty and turn them into frontline soldiers in their war to conquer other nations and the island of Paradis, something that doesn't really mirror Nazi Germany and gives us a reason to sympathize with the Eldians who were once the "bad guys" of Season 1-3. There's also the fact that 95% of the show's main cast IS Eldian, and up until the basement reveal we've only known them as human. Everything until that point has essentially served to make us identify with Eldians more than anyone else. While the rest of the world may dehumanize them, we the audience react negatively to any mention of them being less than human because we've only ever seen them fight to survive in a world where they thought they were humanity's last hope. We want to see them make it out of this alive.

And here's where my internal conflict with the show lies; it would be so much better if it cut out the WW2 imagery. Sure, there would still be plenty of subtext that could lead people to compare Eldians to Jewish people, but it wouldn't be so distractingly obvious and spur additional real-world comparisons where there aren't any. The sudden jump to 20th-century Germany is also somewhat jarring and I wouldn't have minded if Marley was based more on just another nation of the same era rather than a 100-year jump forward of the same setting (though it does make in-universe sense, what with Paradis being 100 years behind technologically but I digress). Basically, I think a LOT of the story's problems with probably-unintentional-but-still-present anti-semitism could have been avoided if the war and race allegories weren't given the same tact and grace as a David Cage game.

But now that brings me to what I think is Attack on Titan's fatal flaw: thematic ambiguity. "But Anna," you may say, "you said the freedom of interpretation is what you loved about its themes." You're right, I did say that. I still do. But ambiguity is a double-edged sword: it gives the audience freedom to derive unique meaning from the text and connect with it in deep, personal ways, but on the other hand, if a theme is too ambiguous, the author runs the risk of either telling a meaningless story or telling a story that conveys an unintended meaning. I think an author must have SOME intention with a theme if it is to be included, and must provide some sort of guide (usually with a character or two) to point the audience in the right direction. I'll give an example of what I mean for both instances in Attack on Titan.

For an example of a well-executed ambiguous theme, I'll turn to the question "Is humanity worthy of saving if saving it demands the loss of one's own humanity?" that I listed under the "cycle of violence" umbrella. Specifically, this question is raised after the Battle of Stonhess, where Erwin allows a Titan battle to rage in the middle of a populated area for the slim chance he could capture Annie alive and extract information from her. This decision cost hundreds of innocent lives, and worse of all, Annie was of little use to him. Erwin stands behind his decision for the greater good and Armin rationalizes the battle as a net gain, but Jean presents Armin with a counterargument: "If it's that easy to let the fight turn us all into monsters, maybe we don't deserve to win." Still, we aren't given an outright answer to who's right and who's wrong here. Instead, the guide we are given is in the way ideologically-opposed characters like Erwin and Jean are treated by the story: Jean maintains his humanity, minimizes civilian casualties whenever possible, and in the end, is left with few regrets. Erwin, on the other hand, feels the weight of all the lives he callously sacrificed in the name of a "greater good," which we learn was perhaps more selfish than he let on. Upon resigning himself to death, he laments all the innocents who died at his command. It is through these characters that we learn who, ultimately, was in the right, and what that theme is trying to tell us (also coincidentally applying to the theme "live a life you can be proud of.")

For an example of a poorly-executed ambiguous theme, I'll turn to the question "Is it necessary to perpetuate the cycle of violence in order to survive in a world that forces violence?" that I also listed under the "cycle of violence" umbrella. This question is perhaps no more apparent than when the main characters are faced with the terrific power of the Rumbling, basically a Titan-powered WMD Eren uses to preemptively wipe out humanity before it can inevitably attack Paradis. While many characters deliberate the ethics of this, there are two characters who have starkly different viewpoints: we have Floch, a Yeagerist who is in full-hearted support of the attack and is uninterested in saving human lives if they are not Paradis Eldians, and we have Hange, who despite being a Paradis Eldian beats an impassioned fist against a table and delivers the rather on-the-nose line "Genocide is wrong!"

So who's right? Well, anyone with any sort of media literary sense will say "Hange, obviously." Because Hange is portrayed as a good person (usually) and Floch is portrayed as a villain (usually). The problem is both these characters fight valiantly in the name of their cause and incidentally die in the same scene while imparting their wishes to the heroes for how they want the world to be. Anyone watching who harbors even a fraction of Floch's nationalism might see that and say, "Floch was in the right. He righteously died for his country and he almost won against an impossible enemy." There's also the problem that Hange does not give an alternative answer to the Rumbling and even admits they don't have one, they just know the Rumbling is wrong, which doesn't do anything to add to the theme in question. Unfortunately, the Rumbling is presented as the only reliable line of self-defense for Paradis, as it's already established that diplomacy has almost no chance of working and that the only other plan is, of all things, sterilizing the Eldian people to appease the world that wants them dead with as little bloodshed as possible. What would have been the only other recourse, the order of a partial Rumbling to wipe out the world's military bases, is immediately taken off the table when it's revealed Eren never had any intention of doing that. Therefore, the story doesn't give us any answer to this question at all, since the characters never get to find an alternate solution for themselves and are forced to simply stop the Rumbling before it can kill too many people despite the risk of dying in the process or play along with Eren's predetermined plan. For a story so bent on saying "genocide is wrong" it does a weirdly good job of presenting it as a survival tactic.

Now, I wouldn't normally have that much of a problem if a story fumbled a theme or two. Not everything has to land perfectly. That said, Attack on Titan NEEDED to deliver these themes clearer than it did, because of one major reason: it was dealing with questions involving fascism, genocide, war, and eugenics. You should not casually raise these issues as a backdrop to a theme that can't be delivered on, because then you run the risk of attracting people who very much are pro-fascist, pro-genocide, pro-war, and pro-eugenics and will blatantly misinterpret everything in the text in order to warp it and fit their worldview (a risk I think FMA managed to avoid by being very blunt with where it stood on those same issues). On the flip side, you'll also repel people who otherwise might have loved the story because at some point they heard someone say "Oh yeah Attack on Titan is awesome, the Yeagerists are cool and I agree with the main character's plan for genocide," and rightfully be put off from that. Then they'll turn around and tell the next person, "Hey, don't watch that, I heard it's pro-fascist and pro-genocide," and that person will go "Oh thanks I didn't know that, I'll stay away from it," and that person will be me for the last ten years.

The Characters

Eren and Mikasa: I'm lumping these two together because I already talked about them at length, but I will say, for being the two main characters on which the finale hinged, I think they were both too simplistic to fully deliver on any of the complex themes they represented. Hell, when listing all the themes each character embodied, I only listed Mikasa under one of them, which is not great for a deuteragonist. Not only that, but Mikasa didn't even really deliver on her one theme: she broke the Titan curse by "letting go of her enslaving love for Eren," but did she really? She kissed and then absconded with his decapitated head to give him a proper burial, then returned each year to his grave with Jean and her family (who remained faceless) to leave a flower behind for him. I get it, he was important to her as a childhood friend and that alone means she should try to remember him despite the monster he turned into, but the framing of this suggests she never really let go of him and was shackled to his memory even as she tried to move on.

Armin: The thing about Armin is that while I ultimately think he's the heart of the story and the main driving force for good (as evidenced by the fact he's the only character I listed under ALL the themes I mentioned earlier), he also reads more like a symbol than a character. That's fine, a character doesn't need to go through an arc to be good, but for me, personally, a character in this kind of setting needs some form of growth for me to form an attachment to them. I'm not just talking about how Armin steadily grows okay with murder because that still doesn't do much to change his rosy outlook on life. The most excited I ever got about Armin's development was when he manipulated Bertholdt into thinking Annie was being tortured because holy shit that's kinda dark for Armin and I thought maybe his strategic mindset was going to start getting the better of his morals, but then that's never really touched on again. It's because I was never quite sure what the rhyme or reason was behind his actions that I found myself disconnected from him as a character, despite being inspired by him as a symbol.

Jean: My favorite character and a sorely underrated one at that. Won't say anything more about him here because I'm dedicating it to the Conclusion.

Levi: Second favorite character. Back when Attack on Titan's popularity was at its peak, I would see Levi on my dash all the time and I would roll my eyes thinking he was just another brooding anime bad boy the girls were fawning over. But I get it now. Yeah, he can brood, and yeah, he can be a bad boy as an ex-criminal who is no stranger to violence, but most of all he's compassionate. He cares deeply about the lives of his comrades and almost never values the "greater good" when decisions are left up to him. Granted, I think he becomes a little one-note after the Erwin vs Armin choice when he resolves that his only motivation from now on will be killing Zeke, but you know, after everything Zeke put him through, I think he earned it.

Hange: Third favorite character. They injected much-needed energy and sincerity into the story right from the start, and they only became more complex as the story went on and circumstances forced more and more responsibility onto them. I'm also glad that, while they are a good and moral character, they also don't mull over hard decisions that a veteran soldier probably wouldn't mull over. If worse comes to worst, they know they may have to resort to torture or violence to protect their comrades and the pursuit of truth. Still, they almost never push this any further than necessary, unlike Erwin before them.

Reiner: Fourth favorite character. I had basically no opinion on Reiner until Season 2 when he pushed Connie out of the way of a Titan's mouth and I thought "he's kinda cool." And then so so so much happens after that. I almost never knew how to feel about him. Is he the bad guy? He's killed so many people, he has to be. But then, why do I still like him? Why do I feel so bad for him? Season 4 only added to those mixed feelings, showing him to be suicidal and suffering from PTSD after all the violence he inflicted when he was just a child soldier. I think most of the themes about "people are people" is best illustrated in Reiner, and how he is able to overcome the pain of life through his dedication to the next generation and to the former friends he had hurt in the past.

Ymir (of the Cadets): Fifth favorite character. Like Reiner, I didn't really have any opinion on her until Season 2. While her contribution to the story is brief, it did a whole lot. Her backstory is technically our first introduction to a world outside the walls which also introduced a whole new mystery. Also, her love for Historia was probably the most genuine example of romantic love I can point to in the entire story, and the most emotionally touching one at that. She's also the one who introduces the theme "live a life you can be proud of" verbatim, which proves to be important for everyone.

Sasha and Connie: Truth is, I don't really have any favorites after Ymir, and how I feel about everyone else is some variation on neutral (except Floch). As for Sasha and Connie, I'm throwing them in the same bucket of "likable-enough comic-relief characters that have some semblance of a character arc but not nearly enough to justify their screentime." People might hate me for this, but I actually think Sasha contributed more to the narrative when she was dead than she did when she was alive. That doesn't mean I wasn't sad when she died, though.

Erwin: People might hate me for this too, but I think Erwin is overrated. I think many dudebro fans see him as the peak representation of heroic masculinity, as an unflinching and at times ruthless commander who takes charge and shows no weakness. That is not true. It's revealed Erwin does have a weakness, a selfish drive to redeem his father's suspicions about the outside world, a drive that makes him fear his own premature death, in the end. True, that drive has paved the way for the Scouts to clear impossible hurdles but also has it led to many senseless and brutal deaths that the story does not intend to justify. Erwin is flawed, incredibly so, and I wish more people could see that.

Historia: I had no opinion of her in Seasons 1-2, even during the love story she had with Ymir. It wasn't until the Uprising arc that she grew on me, as she started to mature beyond her "Disney princess" persona that had previously seemed so out of place in a story like this. That said, after she got pregnant in Season 4, I was disappointed to see that there wasn't much of a point to her character anymore despite being the literal queen.

Annie: I wanted to like Annie. I wanted so badly to like Annie. That's really only for aesthetic reasons because when the show was at its peak I saw her on my dash and fell in love with her as a fellow short blonde girl with a big nose and a name that starts with Ann. After getting to know her character... well, I don't dislike her. I think she served her role in the story well enough. She's just fairly simple once you learn her motivation, and she's hard to get attached to if you don't like emotionally-constipated characters.

Bertholdt: Oh, Berry. Unfortunately, every feeling I could have had for him I already felt 5x more for Reiner, so Berry became rather redundant. Also, his constant stare unnerved me. I did feel bad when he died though. RIP Berry.

Marlow: He didn't have a huge part in the story, but I think he was significant if only for one moment: the second before his death when he thinks of Hitch. Here we are given an everyman who wanted to rise to his calling and dedicate himself to the greater good, who was so driven by ideals and politics that he bravely gave his life for the cause he believed was right, but just before he meets his end, it's revealed to him that what he really wanted was a life with the girl he only just realized he loved. I think that one moment tragically encapsulated the main message of the story; we are here simply to enjoy life and enjoy each other.

Gabi: Again, people might hate me for this, but I liked Gabi. I think she did a good job of being a mirror of what Eren could have been had he been born in Marley, and/or if he had learned to sympathize enough with the enemy to have given up on his revenge plan. She went through a lot of horrors to get the growth she did, and I don't really understand the vitriol some fans have for her, even considering the fact she killed Sasha since killing Sasha and then learning that doing that was a bad thing through the kindness of Sasha's family was kind of the point. Also, as if Eren wouldn't have done the same thing in her shoes. She's a brainwashed child soldier, come on.

Falco: It was a breath of fresh air to have, like, one genuinely nice good kid for once. He's a necessary addition to Gabi's arc I think, since he's the one that keeps her grounded and helps her realize that the Paradis Eldians are not evil. His Jaw/Beast Titan powers are OP though.

Zeke: Hated him throughout all of Season 3 besides only knowing him as the Beast Titan. Season 4 rolled around and I did start to sympathize with him given his upbringing and the way his brother Eren used him after thinking he finally had a family he could be close with. I still didn't feel all that bad when bad things happened to him though, given the things he's willing to do to impose a sterilization "solution" to his own people.

Pieck: Getting into "they're fine but don't add much to the story" territory here. She's smart and has a sleepy-girl charm about her, I guess. She also has that one cool moment where she points to Eren as the enemy, but as far as her relationship with the main characters goes, she basically has none, which makes it hard for me to get invested in her.

Onyankopon, Yelena, Magath, and Kiyomi: Lumping all these characters together as the notable non-Eldians with their own agendas. I had no strong opinion on any of them. Onyankopon was cool, but I thought Magath changed his stance on Paradis too easily in the end, and Yelena and Kiyomi barely contributed anything that couldn't have been done by some other character. Their true purpose was really just to establish that there were different cultures outside of Paradis.

Floch: Saved the best for last. And by best, I mean worst. He's the anti-Jean, if you will; the everyman who, when faced with dire circumstances, turns to brutality and strength rather than humanity and compassion. It's fitting, I think, that he's the one who not only advocates saving Erwin, Jean's ideological opposite ("We need a devil!") but he's also the one who tempts Jean into a character regression since he's a representation of what Jean could have become if he stayed what he was like early Season 1. Other than that, he's a cupcake-head fascist whose dumb face I got tired of looking at even before he become a fascist. I just fucking hate Floch, man.

Every other character I either don't have anything much to say about, like Grisha, Shaddis, Pixis, Rod Reiss, and Hitch, or they died too early for me to say much about, like Porco, Petra, and Marco (although I did love Marco and I was incredibly sad when he died).

Conclusion (and why Jean is the best character you can't change my mind)

So, to take my thesis-length thoughts and distill them into one coherent sentence, my overall feeling on Attack on Titan is this: it's a well-paced, well-constructed story that is consistently engaging and thought-provoking about real-world issues, but is ultimately held back by its final act where the scale and allegory become too big and clunky for the story to properly handle. Many things that were so well set up in the previous three seasons sadly unravel at the finish line. That said, that doesn't mean there is no meaningful or worthwhile conclusion to be had in Attack on Titan; I think it still had a stronger finish than, say, HBO's Game of Thrones. I connected with it in a deep way that I haven't connected to any other piece of media lately besides maybe when I played Dragon Age last year, another story that raised thought-provoking themes about real-world issues but with admittedly clunky allegory. Most notably, though, I think my enjoyment of Attack on Titan was highly dependent on one character in particular, a character who acted as a reliable anchor point to come back to whenever the bigger ideas got away from the story.

Here's where Jean comes in. While Eren, Mikasa, and Armin are essentially mouthpieces and figureheads for the much-too-big themes they represent and are somewhat washed out as characters because of it, Jean delivers on all his themes perfectly while maintaining his believability as a character. In this world, he is basically just some guy; despite being talented, he's not as driven as Eren, he's not as strong as Mikasa, and he's not as idealistic as Armin. Jean himself recognizes all these things, but he also recognizes how their strengths also come with weaknesses that he can make up for. He sees Eren as cool but also suicidally reckless, he sees Mikasa as capable but also overly-dependent, he sees Armin as brilliant but also in need of a backbone. He then steps up to fill those deficiencies; to answer Eren's recklessness, he does everything he can to preserve his own life so that he can continue to serve others; to answer Mikasa's dependency on Eren, he makes his own decisions and creates strategies to get everyone out of trouble, not just Eren; to answer Armin's cowardice, he steps up and relays Armin's genius plans but with a stronger sense of leadership and authority.

But he wasn't always like this, and that's the most important part; Jean started as a selfish, cowardly, and entitled asshole. Floch says this outright. The only thing early Season 1 Jean cared about was securing his place in the top 10 and choosing a position among the Miltary Police where he could live the rest of his life in peace and luxury, the rest of the cadets be damned. I think this is a pitfall a lot of people in the real world can fall into: in a highly competitive and individualistic society, people have little incentive not to step on others in order to achieve a better life for themselves, and this is the very pitfall Jean nearly falls into. It's a relatable flaw, as little as people might want to admit it.

Yet, among all of Jean's negative pre-Trost qualities, he has two that can be seen as positive: his keen perception and his blunt honesty. Marco tells him as much. After the first battle in Trost, Jean, despite his reluctance to take up responsibility, sees opportunities to get his fellow cadets to safety and uses his insight into their strengths and weaknesses to guide as many of them as he can since he's the only one at the time who can take up leadership. Afterward, Marco tells him he makes a good leader not because he's strong, but because he knows what it means to be weak. He is able to lead because he doesn't delude himself with false hopes or illusions of grandeur; he knows exactly what is at stake and what hurdles everyone needs to overcome in order to have a chance at both winning and surviving. Jean is humbled and inspired by this, realizing that he would better serve in a field where he could potentially save lives instead of wasting his talents in the Military Police where he would have nothing to apply himself for.

But his real call to action is Marco's death. After losing his one true friend, Jean resolves to give up his dream of the Military Police and dedicate himself to the Scouts, where he can live up to the potential Marco always saw in him. If we are to take the theme of "true freedom is the ability to give up a long-held dream" to heart, then Jean is actually one of the first characters to achieve true freedom in this story. That doesn't mean it was easy. Freedom comes with the burden of responsibility, and his decision to join the Scouts isn't framed as triumphant or inspiring but instead as terrifying and traumatic. But that's another aspect of real life I think is captured by Jean's character: the decision to become a better person is not always easy, and it often requires a continual and conscious effort to push comfort zones, overcome bad habits, and step into the terrifying unknown, but you still have to do it.

While Jean does change for the better because of this decision (a change even his fellow cadets take notice of), his battle to grow as a person is never over. When faced with life-or-death situations as a Scout, he overcomes his cowardice to leap into action and save others whenever he knows he can. When faced with the selfishness of the Military Police, he is reassured by the knowledge that his decision not to join them saved him from that ignorant mindset. When faced with the consequences of "the greater good," he questions what it means for humanity if serving a grand purpose means they should turn a blind eye to the innocent. When faced with the prospect of having to kill other humans, he grapples with the morality of murder and what it means if he can't pull the trigger to save his friends. When faced with the crowning of Historia, he voices his concern against authority that they're forcing her into another role after she had just fought to reclaim her own identity from her father. When faced with the temptation to regress, ignore genocide, and settle for the easy life he always wanted in his youth, he resists the urge to fall back onto his dream and continues fighting even when it's the hardest thing he could ever do. When faced with the revelation that Reiner killed his friend Marco, he briefly gives into his resentment and anger but later works past it and admits there are more similarities between them than there are differences. When faced with no other choice but to stop the Rumbling, he's the first to bring Mikasa to the painful but necessary realization that they must kill their friend Eren in order to save countless innocent lives, as much as he doesn't want to do that.

Over and over again, Jean is presented with a moral dilemma, and over and over again, Jean chooses to come out of it as a better person despite it all. Because he achieved the freedom to choose who he wants to be so early in the story, the rest of his arc is a revelation that such freedom comes with constant and painful doubt. Yet, Jean never shies away from exploring the moral ambiguity of his world and the actions it makes him take. Because he is perceptive and honest, he's quick to question everything that is presented to him and never takes any one person's perspective as the only undeniable truth. Questioning life at every turn isn't easy either; it takes effort and courage and vigilance, and even when that way of life wears away at Jean, he does it anyway. If he doesn't, he'll end up just like the pitiful and ignorant Military Police he could have easily become. To me, that arc is so much more relatable than any other arc presented in this story. This is the very real struggle of a regular guy navigating a complicated world of war, eugenics, nationalism, and genocide, and is just trying to make it out as a decent person in the middle of it all. Really, isn't that all any of us are?

I think it's also telling that Floch tempts Jean to join the Yeagerists not with the argument that Eren and his plan for genocide is right, because deep down I think he knows Jean would have never agreed with that. Instead, he tempts him with the promise of comfort and a life free of resistance. I think that's the most revealing truth of all: Jean, the representation of humanity and its struggle with its own morality would never have gone along with genocide just for the sake of it. I think most people are too decent to think genocide is in any way justified when it's framed that way. Instead, Jean is only tempted by how the decision to join the Yeagerists and turn a blind eye would affect him and his own life, reframing the problem as a self-preserving one and retroactively justifying the Rumbling not as what is right but as what is futile for any one person to try to stop. That, I think, reflects the true struggle of humanity, the struggle to sacrifice your own self-interest whenever it conflicts with the need to help others.

While other characters like Mikasa, Eren, and Armin are more or less the same character at the end of the story as they are in the beginning, Jean is in a perpetual state of change, which means he also acts as a terrific mirror and foil for so many characters throughout the story depending on what stage of character development he's in. He starts as a foil to Eren, someone who harbors just as much hot-headed ego as Jean, but unlike Jean has all the conviction to back it up. As Jean grows, he continues to foil Eren by proving conviction can not only be gained but can be reigned in and redirected to be used as a force to do good instead of a force for destructive revenge. He then mirrors Armin, a character who is just as thoughtful and questioning as Jean but isn't as weighed down by selfish desires, but neither does that give much weight to Armin's moral dilemmas when he chooses to do the less moral thing than Jean does in his shoes. Jean and Armin eventually learn to work together, combining their respective strengths and weaknesses to become effective leaders in tandem. Interestingly, I learned that Armin and Jean were originally written to be the same character but were separated to reflect two different sides of humanity, perhaps to illustrate humanity's desire to reach outside the walls through Armin and humanity's struggle to resist the comfort of the walls through Jean. While I think that it was a good decision to separate them in the end, I also think that it robbed Armin of Jean's character development and robbed Jean of Armin's plot relevance. Then, of course, there's Jean's mirror for Floch, but I already touched on that in Floch's character summary so I won't retread it here.

But perhaps my favorite foil of Jean's is Reiner. More than Eren or Armin, Jean is inherently connected to Reiner through the death of Marco. While Reiner is positioned in Season 4 to also be a mirror for Eren, I think Reiner's similar loss of his friend Marcel (a friend who, unlike what Marco did for Jean, did the opposite of inspire Reiner by admitting that Reiner was never actually good enough for the role he got and only earned it by Marcel's intervention to protect his brother) positions Reiner as a more apt foil to Jean instead. Reiner is sent on a trajectory where he only clings harder to his dreams of becoming a hero for Marley, winning the affection of his mother and father, and proving himself worthy of his role, never willing to let those dreams go in the face of Marcel's death unlike Jean had done after losing Marco. Because he clings to this dream so dearly, he kills many innocent people to achieve it, again displaying the polar opposite mindset of Jean who fights instead to save innocent lives. But Reiner isn't without a heart, and eventually, the weight of his sins burdens him. How does he deal with it? Not by questioning or confronting reality like Jean does, but by compartmentalizing himself and rationalizing his actions through the use of multiple personas, essentially denying responsibility for his sins and avoiding the painful self-reflection he must undergo to accept accountability for what he's done.

Reiner is only able to truly self-reflect when he returns to Marley, where the reconciliation of who he is catches up with him and drives him to become suicidal, but neither is he deluded by the dream he once clung to anymore. Now that he's accepted responsibility, he joins up with Jean's group, admits he killed Marco, and accepts the brutal punishment Jean has for him. It's only after this moment that Jean makes the realization that they're the same because they are now. They've both undergone a change and while it took them in many different directions, in the end, they've come to the same point; despite their respective sins or lack thereof, they're both fighting to become better people than who they once were. And in the finale, it is Jean who reassures Reiner that he is and will always be a Scout because he's fighting to save humanity, just like they had sworn to do as youths. Jean never forgot what it was they were fighting for, and because of that, I think Jean earns his place as the true moral compass of the series.

Wow, this really got away from me; Do you love the color of the Attack on Titan thoughts post? Anyways, if you managed to read all of this, I'm flattered you stuck around to entertain all my ramblings on a series that is basically over after a decade-long run that I was too late to jump on. With all my thoughts out of the way, I'm going to go reblog some Jean posts now, because he's the best character and no, you can't change my mind.

#oh this is so long i am so so sorry #it's as my sister called it: do you love the color of the attack on titan thoughts post #just beware when clicking on the read more #anna watches attack on titan

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perfectlyvalid49 · 7 months

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Sometimes I feel like this blog is more Judaism focused than I really want it to be. Like, I am Jewish, but that’s only one aspect of my personality. I’m also interested in politics and linguistics and nerdy pop culture stuff and a whole bunch of other things. And I want this blog to have space for all of that.

So when I spent a ton of time late last week fighting with an antisemite, I told myself that when I was done with him (or as it turns out, when he was done with me), I’d take a break from posting about Jewish issues for a bit. Just like, a week where I’m just reblogging stuff that makes me laugh or an interesting language fact or something like that. Y’know, happy stuff.

He blocked me Friday, and on Saturday, Hamas attacked. And I’ve got a big mouth, so I can’t not say anything. Maybe when this is all resolved I can post happy stuff, but for right now, I need a place to talk, even though I’m struggling with what to say.

I guess the first thing I should say is that I feel terrible about what’s happening. Because what’s happened so far is bad, and what will happen next is even worse. Israel will take its vengeance; innocent Palestinians will die. The friends and families of the victims on both sides will be radicalized and the violence will continue. I hate it and it’s stupid and I wish there was an easy way to stop it and I know that there isn’t.

And I want to say that I support the Palestinian people. The way that Israel treats the Palestinians in Gaza is inhumane – it shouldn’t be allowed! But Israel treats them that way because before they did, you couldn’t get on a bus in Israel without worrying about being blown up. That shouldn’t be allowed either! Everything is complicated. Both sides are full of people who just want to live in peace who are being screwed over by a minority who won’t be happy until the other side is gone. Both sides have valid points, both sides have done terrible things. Anyone who is telling you that it isn’t complicated is either woefully uneducated about the history of the conflict, thinks one side does not deserve fundamental human rights, or both.

And after saying all that, I guess that I should make it clear that I’m still a Zionist – I believe that the Jewish people have the right to a self-determined state, and I think that Israel is probably the best place for it (I did not say a good place, I just don’t think there’s a better one. The best of a bunch of bad options is still the best). Having said that I’m a Zionist, I still hate what Israel’s government is doing and has been doing. Netanyahu is a monster. You can disagree with a country’s government and still think it has a right to exisit.

If you think that all Zionists are evil (and you’re still reading this), then tell me a better solution. Where should Jews go to be safe from governmental persecution? Or should they be denied that? If so, why?

And that’s the other thing I want to talk about. Every Jew I know is watching this with feelings of grief and horror, and the response from the left seems to be some variation on, “Israeli civilians deserved this,” “go back to where you came from,” or “terrorism is OK, actually, as long as it’s against a colonizer state (but not the one I live in).” And it’s soul-crushing. It is possible to be anti-Zionist without being antisemitic, but it seems like right now people aren’t even trying. The only good Jew is a dead Jew, and now that there are a bunch of dead Jews, everyone is celebrating.

I keep thinking about this video that I watched at school when I was a kid about the conflict. It was probably the mid 90s and the video showed Arab and Israeli kids playing together with a voice over from an interview with one of their moms. And I remember her saying that the kids playing together was good because then they would be friends, and when they got older they wouldn’t want to fight each other because they would remember that they were friends. I know now that it was probably a propaganda video, but that’s still what I want. I want leadership for Gaza that isn’t a terrorist organization, I want leadership for Israel that isn’t a far right authoritarian nightmare, I want Palestinians to not be locked behind a wall, I want Israelis who don’t have drills for when the rockets come. I want everyone – EVERYONE – to be able to live a life in peace and I want two little boys with different backgrounds and religions that both include a history in Israel to be able to play in a field by a river and be friends.

And if you don’t want that? Fuck you.

#israel #antisemitism #long post #i'm having feelings #thanks for letting me ramble #probably a lot more reblogs on this topic are incoming

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sunflowerdroplet · 2 months

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Paging Doctor Duck Ch. 2

“GET…BACK…HERE…YOU!!”

“Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-HA!”

Dr. Donald’s legs and lungs burned as he chased after the troublesome, tiny turtle through the hospital halls. Hospital staff and guests hurried out of the way with indignant shrieks and shouts as doctor and child patient continued their sudden game of cat and mouse. Shelby the Turtle had been one of the patients that he had swapped with Roxanne along with the child’s mother, Mrs. Turtle. Donald had been a little hesitant accepting these particular pair of patients, his temper and bratty children not being a good mix, but the younger doctor had insisted that Baby Shelby was an absolute angel, and his mother was one of the nicest people you could ever meet. Against his better judgment, Donald had agreed.

‘And boy, am I regretting it now…’ the male mallard thought miserably as he continued after the tot, who used his tiny size to easily maneuver through wheelchairs, medical equipment, and between people’s legs, laughing obnoxiously along the way while Donald tripped, stumbled, and struggled over gurneys, Goofy’s mop bucket, and even his own two feet. ‘At this rate I’ll never catch him!’ he thought before he was struck with an idea. Doubling back, he dashed into a side hallway and ducked (heh) behind a corner, hoping to cut the turtle off. A few seconds later, Shelby’s laughter could be heard, and Donald readied himself to strike.

“Three…two…one…”

“Ah-ha-ha-WAH?!”

“Gotcha!”

Donald laughed triumphantly as he held on tight to the baby menace. Shelby began to struggle, but Donald quickly pulled out a strawberry flavored lollipop from his coat pocket, waving it enticingly in his face. “Hey Shelby, want some candy?” Immediately, Shelby stopped his struggling, clearly mesmerized by the offered treat and made grabby-hands for it. The doctor smiled and let him have it, and while the baby was distracted, he pulled out a needle out of his other coat pocket and jabbed him with it before he could react. Donald braced himself and waited for the crying to start, as it usually did when any of his patients, child or adult, but thankfully the sucker did its job and kept the child pacified.

“Phew…” Donald breathed a sigh of relief.

“Nice work, Dr. D!”

“Ay caramba! Such mastery, such skill!”

Donald turned around to see Roxanne pushing Panchito in a wheelchair. Señor Martinez followed behind, happily swishing his tail back and forth when he spotted Donald and greeted him with a sloppy, wet kiss. Much to the duck’s chagrin.

“See? I knew you could handle him!” Roxanne said with a smile.

“Yeah, well it helps when you’ve got experience from raising one’s nephews,” Donald replied, unconsciously wiping off the horse slobber from his face. He gave the Mexican rooster a questioning glance. “What are you guys up to?”

“I’m finally being discharged, amigo! I cannot wait to get home and eat my mama’s cooking! No offense, but the hospital food is a little…”

“…It’s not…that bad…?” Roxanne started, a sheepish grin on her face as she tried to delicately critique the food. “…But it could be better.”

“It’s terrible,” Donald stated point-blank. “Director Mickey claims he’s gonna get better cooks, but he’s too nice to get rid of the old ones! That’s why I bring my lunch from home.”

Shelby blew a raspberry, shaking his tiny head in disgust at the thought of the hospital’s food. This caused Donald to smile, for once they were in agreement with each other about something.

“HEY DUCK!!”

Both doctors and patient jumped at the angry sounding voice before turning around to see a female turtle stomping her way towards them. Donald trembled at the sight of her, his ears still ringing from her earlier beratement. He smiled nervously, hoping she was in a better mood than before. “Y-Yes, Mrs. Turtle?”

“Have you finished giving my precious baby Shelby his shot?! I told you we have a meeting at the Daycare, AND WE NEED TO LEAVE NOW SO WE’RE NOT LATE!!”

“Yes, ma’am! Of course, ma’am! Shelby is all ready to go!” the mallard said as he held out the baby to his overbearing mother.

Almost instantly, the angry scowl melted from the older’s turtle’s face as she retrieved her baby. “Oh thank you, Doctor Duck! Why, it doesn’t look like he cried at all! Were you good for the doctor, Shelby?” The tiny turtle eagerly nodded his head while the waterfowl bit his tongue to stop himself from saying the contrary. “And thank you, Doctor Roxanne for recommending Doctor Donald! He really is great with children!”

“I told you~.”

“Si, si! Donal’ really is amazing!”

With a final wave, both mother and baby turtle went on their way, leaving Donald, Roxanne, and Panchito to sigh in relief.

“Yowza! Mamá Tortuga sure is loud and aggressive!”

“She may seem a bit much at first, but she can be really sweet once you get to know her!” the female doctor explained.

“That sounds a lot like Donal’.”

“Hey!”

~*OoO*~

“I can’t believe I’m doing this…” muttered Donald as he pulled up in front of large ranch with horses and cattle milling about.

Today was supposed to be the doctor’s long awaited day off, but of course, as he was leaving work the night before he happened to overhear a conversation between Roxanne and her boyfriend, Max, who worked on the custodial staff part-time.

“Are you sure you can’t make it tomorrow?” asked Max, pleadingly.

“I’m sorry, Max, but something came up, and I’ll be swamped all day. We’ll have to reschedule our date to a later time…”

Donald had wanted to keep walking, that was life working at a hospital; you could be called in to work at any given moment and that was something the younger doctor had deal with, just like everyone else. Unfortunately, his traitorous legs pulled him to a stop and made him turn around and walk back to the young couple.

“…I can take over for your shift…” Donald said when the pair noticed his presence.

“Huh?”

“What? Really?”

“Yeah, really,” the older doctor said with a wry smile. As much as Donald wanted to enjoy his day off, he knew what overworking did to couples. He’d been dumped by his girlfriend, Daisy, thanks to his chaotic work schedule, among other things. And that was the last thing he wanted for Max and Roxanne. “Go on and enjoy your date tomorrow.”

“Oh, thank you, Dr. D!” exclaimed the redhead as she threw her arms around him in a tight hug. “But are you sure?” she asked cautiously, eyes holding guilt “ …I was supposed to pay a house-call to Mr. Panchito …”

“…urk…”

“…And Mr. José…”

The duck swallowed hard at the news, fighting to keep his face neutral while Roxanne and Max watched on worriedly, like they knew how much he was regretting his decision. “I…I meant what I said, and I said what I meant! Now, hurry up and go before I change my mind! Go on, get!”

Max grabbed Roxanne’s hand and together they ran for the exit. “Thanks, Dr. D!” they chorused.

“Me and my big , stupid, bleeding heart…” he mumbled as he got out of car, grabbed his medical bag and made his way towards the house. As Donald drew closer, he could hear the sound of music being strummed on guitar and someone singing. As he reached the front porch, he gasped in horror when he saw not one, but two familiar faces sitting there.

“Hey! It’s Doctor Donal’!”

“Really?!Doutor Donaldo is here to take care of us?!”

Donald balked, slowly backing away to get back into his car. It was one thing to deal with the southern birds individually, but together?! No thank you! Unfortunately for Donald, it was at this time that Señor Martinez made his presence known by snatching him up off the ground, dropping him upon his saddle before galloping towards the porch where Panchito and José were eagerly waiting.

“Welcome to my humble hogar, Donal’!” the rooster greeted cheerfully when the horse deposited the duck onto the porch. He made a move to get out of his seat, but a quick glare from the duck had him easing back down.

“Not that we’re not super happy to see you, but what happened to Doutor Roxanne? I thought she was supposed to be here?” asked José.

“I decided to take over for her shift so she could have more time off…” the duck muttered, wishing for the tenth time today that he’d just kept walking.

“How incredibly nice of you, Donaldo!”

“He is a wonderful person, is he not?” exclaimed Panchito, slapping the duck hard on the back.

The unexpected praise from his patients caused the temperamental mallard to blush despite the stinging in his back. He cleared his throat and asked, “So uh, why are you two here together, I wasn’t aware you guys knew each other.”

“Oh yes, me and Panchito met at the hospital where we bonded over the less-than-appetizing food and our favorite doutor!” said the green parrot.

Donald nodded along absently as he pulled his medical supplies from his bag. “Yep, yep, Roxanne is an incredible doctor,” he said in agreement. The younger medical professional was the ‘Employee of the Month’ for the third time in a row after all.

The parrot and rooster shared a confused look with each other. “Uh Donaldo, we were referring to you!”

“Huh?”

Panchito slapped Donald on the back again. “Don’t get us wrong, amigo. Roxana is a wonderful doctor, but you’ve been taking good care of us for so long!

“Yeah! I doubt we’d be in such great shape if it was not for your, as you Americans say, ‘tough love’!”

Donald was becoming increasingly flustered with all the compliments being thrown his way. He would receive the odd compliment here and there at work, but never to this magnitude. A small smile soon found its way onto his reddening face. “Uh…t-thank you. That…that means a lot…” He then cleared his throat to get back into his medical mindset. “A-Anyway, let’s start the check-up! Do you want to be seen privately, or are you both okay with being checked-up together?”

“I don’t mind José sitting in. He already knows about my leg injury!”

“And Panchito knows about my blackened lungs and head injury!”

“Gotcha,” Donald replied, moving to start his medical exam, beginning with Panchito. “Have you been taking care of that leg like I asked? Making sure to stay off your injured leg and avoiding strenuous activities?”

“O si, si, I have! You can even ask José, I’ve been sitting here and taking it easy, just like you’ve prescribed!”

The duck inspected the rooster’s elevated leg, nodding in satisfaction when it didn’t appear to be swollen and seemed to be healing nicely. The rest of the exam went along smoothy, and Donald was glad to give his patient the positive results. “I’m impressed, Panchito! Your recovery is coming along nicely. Then again, you’ve always been incredibly sturdy.”

“Gracias, amigo! I have you to thank for my continued health!”

Donald flushed again before turning to his other patient. “And you, Mr. Carioca, have you’ve avoided smoking these last few days?” the white-feathered male asked while checking José’s heartbeat with his stethoscope. “…And flirting with the ladies with possessive boyfriends?”

“Indeed, I have, my friend! Check it out! Haaaaa!”

“Ack!” Donald hadn’t been prepared for José to breathe directly in his face but was relieved that it smelled minty fresh instead of old cigars.

“And you can even ask Panchito, I’ve been a good boy and followed your orders to the letter!” the Brazilian bird exclaimed with a bright smile. “So, so, are you proud of us?”

Donald blinked in surprise at the question and the hopeful look in the southern birds were leveling him with, like they were eager for his approval. “Uh…yeah, yeah I guess I am. Good job, you two,” the doctor said with a small, genuine smile.

The rest of José’s check-up went well, and doctor was pleased to give his patient a positive review. Job now done, he began packing up his things to leave, now feeling grateful that Panchito and José had been together, so he only had to make one trip.

“Aw, do you have to leave so soon?” asked the reddish-brown rooster.

“Yeah! Stay a little longer, Donaldo! Panchito is a really talented guitar player!”

“And José is sings very well!”

Well, that explained the music he heard earlier. “As fun as that sounds, I promised my nephews I would take them to the movies after I was done here.”

“I understand. It is no surprise that you would be good tio, who takes care of his little ones! But wait, maybe you can come visit the club I work at! You both should come! We’ll have a great time!”

“I don’t---”

“That sounds like a great idea!” shouted Panchito excitedly. “And you both should come to one of my rodeo shows, after I have fully recovered, of course! You can even bring your nephews along, Donal’. It’ll be a lot of fun!”

Donald felt off balance at anyone, much less his patients, wanting to spend more time with him than necessary. “Uhhh…I’m not sure if that’s…”

The green parrot grabbed the duck’s arm before he could back away from them. “I go back to work soon, Donaldo…don’t you want to make sure I don’t get hurt or strain myself?”

“…Are you using your health to blackmail me into going…?”

“Is it working?” asked Panchito.

Seeing that his two patients weren’t going to take ‘no’ for an answer, Donald sighed and gave in. “…Fine. I’ll see if I can make time for a visit…” As the southern birds and even the horse started to celebrate his acquiesce, Donald could only hope he wouldn’t regret his decision.

‘Boy, what did I get myself into…?’

TO BE CONTINUED…

#donald duck #donald x panchito x jose #the three caballeros #fanfic #three gay caballeros #panchito pistoles #jose carioca #disney

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emiarainewrites · 10 months

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Rest In Peace, Julian Sands

The world has lost a phenomenal actor and gentle soul.

Julian Sands went missing in early January whilst going on a hike. His body has only just been found now in late June, 2023. He was 65 years old.

Along with many, many others, I am deeply saddened by his passing. The only positive thing is that his body has been recovered. I’ve been hoping for the last few months that this would be the case. At least his family can have some form of closure now.

This is a terrible tragedy that I truly wish had not happened.

But, to honour Mr. Sands, I thought I’d briefly go over a few of his films that I’ve seen and highlight the amazing range that he had.

Boxing Helena (1993)

I first became aware of Julian Sands a few years ago when I saw this film.

Directed by Jennifer Lynch, Boxing Helena tells that story of Nick (Sands) and his obsession with one-night-stand Helena (Sherilyn Fenn). After an accident makes her dependent on him, we explore Nick’s psyche and how far he’s willing to go to keep Helena with him.

This is a film that will not appeal the everyone unfortunately, but I’d still highly recommend you see it. It’s a brilliant picture with many layers and at the centre is Julian Sands and his amazing performance.

Nick’s character is heads over heals obsessed with Helena, despite her outright stating she has no interest in him. She’s quite cold to Nick for most of the film, and you can understand why. However, for Nick, that coldness is incentive to try harder for her affections. He ensures she has to rely on him for everything because he “loves” her and wants to keep her for himself.

This showcases Julian Sands’ range as an actor. He has done many serious performances throughout his career, but for me this one is special. Nick is kind of a sad person and even a tad pathetic at times. But you never lose track of why he’s like that.

He’s emotional and even intimidating when need be. It’s a comparatively softer character than some of his other work, but Nick still stands out as a sympathetic and sometimes abhorrent character - played to absolute excellence by Julian Sands.

Warlock (1989)

Directed by Steve Miner, Warlock follows Julian Sands as the titular villain who travels from the 17th century to the 20th in order to end the world. As you do. Along the way he is pursued by Redferne (Richard E. Grant), who follows him from the past, & Kassandra (Lori Singer), a modern woman caught up in the dangerous medieval magic.

This is a good film, and it’s one of the biggest things Julian Sands is known for (the others undoubtedly being Room With A View (1985), Gothic (1986) and to a lesser extent Argento’s Phantom of the Opera (1998)) Not without reason, either.

Julian Sands is excellent in this, playing a cold hearted and cruel sadist of a character. The definition of evil. He’s very direct and at times his menacing stare does most of the talking. He brings a presence that few could ever hope to match.

From the first moment you see him, you know he’s bad news. A complete one-eighty to Boxing Helena.

I for one was quite surprised to see him in this role, having known him primarily for that film. He disappears into this terrifying, yet not outright scary, role. Rocking the long-hair-ponytail look, Julian Sands will make you fear magic and what it’s (and, by extension, he’s) really capable of.

Warlock II: The Armageddon (1993)

Directed by Anthony Hickox, the sequel follows the eponymous Warlock (Sands) as he is resurrected into the 90s (oh no!) and once again sets off on a quest to obtain mystical macguffins so he can put an end to the world as we know it. While that’s going on we follow a group of good warlocks that aren’t Julian Sands who must ready for the coming evil.

This film does away with the seriousness of the first and just about loses its damn mind with how crazy it can get. But if you’ve seen Hickox’s other works such as Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992) & the Waxwork films (1988 & 1992, respectively), you’ll probably be used to the amount of darkly wacky he puts into his pictures.

The lore is almost completely revamped in terms of the Warlock and he’s after. Plus, the expansion of other magic practitioners is interesting in theory, but the result for the latter is underwhelming.

Julian Sands, however, is magnificent. This is a bit of a lesser product compared to the first, but you can’t tell that from his performance alone. I feel like you get way more of him in this one (kinda rocking his Boxing Helena look a little bit, no surprise considering it was probably filmed around the same time). You follow the Warlock as he interacts with the modern world and it’s inhabitants, tracking down mystical stones that will bring about the end of the world once assembled.

The character feels more accessible too for modern times, in terms of his presentation and demeanour. So this means there’s less medieval speak and more one-liners. Also seems like they ramped up the sexiness too at times.

The movie is much sillier than it’s predecessor, but it’s goofy fun. And you have Julian Sands dispatching people in increasingly gruesome and creative ways. Very Wishmaster (1997), with the vibe of Wishmaster II: Evil Never Dies (1999). His performance remains intimidating and cruel, but all around less cold.

Tale of a Vampire (1992)

Directed by Shimako Sato, Tale of a Vampire follows Alex (Sands) as he finds reprieve from his lonely existence in the form of Anna (Suzanna Hamilton), a kind librarian. However, all is not well as parts of his past, and his bloodlust, come back to haunt him.

This seems to have been released direct to video and, call me crazy, may have been capitalising on another vampire film that came out the exact same year. Even this film’s poster shares some similarities. Although, Julian Sands was apparently in talks to play Lestat instead of Tom Cruise, so there’s another connection. At the moment, you can find this film on YouTube (VHS rip).

Setting that aside, this is an interesting film that I don’t believe gets talked about much. It won’t change your life and I don’t think it quite gets across its ideas perfectly, but Julian Sands’ performance, as ever, is brilliant. You believe he’s been around for ages and has never been able to keep a love for himself. We get flashbacks concerning a previous companion throughout the film as Alex tries to get close to Anna in the present. There is a type of warmth that Julian Sands brings to the role, whilst also maintaining the lonesome chill of a corpse. You get a sense of confliction from him as the film goes on - whether to pursue Anna or leave her be; damn her or let her go.

Edgar Allen Poe’s ‘Annabel Lee’ also features in the film, so the idea of youth and love lost are meant to be front and centre.

There is still an element of danger to Julian Sands’ character. The film doesn’t shy away from the fact that he’s still undead and thus, must consume fresh blood. ((Special warning to all cat lovers, by the way.)) He even has a brief flash of harming Anna due to his nature and personal feelings towards her.

You feel his pain and it’s a shame that Julian Sands didn’t play more vampires, or had roles like this. Or maybe he did and I just don’t know about them. Either way he was great in this role.

Arachnophobia (1990)

Directed by Frank Marshall, Arachnophobia follows a doctor (Jeff Daniels) and his family who move to a town that is soon besieged by tons of lethal spiders. As the death toll rises, it’s a race against the clock to stop the eight-legged menace from killing everyone there.

Julian Sands has a smaller role here compared to the previous films mentioned, but he is still important and does serve as the catalyst for everything. He plays Dr. James Atherton, who is studying an undiscovered type of spider that, of course, makes it back to a populated area and spawns off a deadly chain of events.

The film itself is fun and Julian Sands is a great, somewhat pompous, doctor who can be very dismissive of those around him. Very British and very passionate about his work.

Though, of course, he does not survive the film. The big hoss spider gets him. Then again, he did declare himself as “supper”. And when you see his body, it’s pretty gnarly. He’s covered in webbing with spiders crawling all over him. Real spiders. No CGI. That alone increased my respect for him one-hundred fold when I saw it.

From unhinged sap to scary villain to lonesome creature to apathetic doctor to even romantic lead, Julian Sands led a varied and fascinating career. He seemed unafraid to attempt any role and did so with impressive commitment and astounding results.

The world has lost a great talent that will never be forgotten.

RIP Julian Sands, we will all miss you dearly.

#julian sands #rest in peace #rip #rip Julian Sands #gone too soon #boxing helena #warlock #warlock 1989 #warlock II #warlock II: the armageddon #tale of a vampire #tale of a vampire 1992 #arachnophobia #arachnophobia 1990 #room with a view #gothic

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0verc00ked-simp · 7 months

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So I just finished the third season for the first time last night (I know, I know, I have no excuse for holding off this long) and I have. Some thoughts. Spoilers, obviously.

First of all, it really wasn’t as bad as I was expecting from the way people talk about it, but I have my issues I wanna talk about.

Allison. They took all the parts of Victor I hated in season one and shoved them onto her in this season. Now don’t get me wrong, at first I was excited to see her get her much-deserved snap after all the trauma she’s endured but… They did it so wrong. I see no point mentioning the Luther scene as I’m sure we all share the same opinion on how that was a terrible mishandling of her but the thing that gets me is the fact that she made a deal with Reggie, and when that deal led to the death of Luther and Klaus, she still didn’t back out until she herself was injured. What??? Like, no, as soon as Luther died, that should have been the point that the Allison I know would have been like “ok, nvm, losing more people isn’t worth this”. But whatever,,,

Also, the romance with Luther and Sloane was so rushed and forced, Don’t get me wrong, I honestly thought they were cute together and Luther deserves to move on from the incest… even though this isn’t much better… but jesus. Also, did it have to be another alternate sibling of his? Really??? They couldn’t have given him a love interest that didn’t share a father with him? Its better than Allison who he literally grew up with and refers to as his sister, but this woman is also basically his sister. And they got married after like five-ish days of knowing each other, chill.

I haven’t decided how I feel about Lila and Diego’s kid yet. I don’t like pregnancy arcs but I wouldn’t mind seeing those two happy and settled for once in their damn lives. I dunno. I am neutral so far.

Five was deffo chiller in this season, people are right about that one. He had his moments of course, but I was sort of surprised by how much of a back burner they put him on this season. He’s typically they’re main blorbo. I didn’t really have any issues with him or anything, just wished he had more to do.

Well…

There is one issue.

The last episode ended with them all losing their powers, which included Luther no longer being part ape. This is fine and I think it will lead to some interesting plot next season, but why is Five still a child? I think they could justify it in some senses, but if you ask me, he should have either reverted back to being in his fifties, or he should have finally been in his thirties with the rest of his siblings. I’m sure they just didn’t want anyone but Aidan to play him (rightfully so) but Aidan is 20 now, they could have pulled something off. It’s not like they’re trying to make an actual 13 year old appear to be in his 30 or something.

If they’re keeping him as a kid, though, I want to see that have an effect. I want to see him regress and slowly start becoming more and more of an actual teenager. (In all honesty, could just be me, but it kinda feels like that’s been happening a little bit anyhow.) Also I saw another post talking about him being in school dealing with people who are actually teenagers and I really think that would be so funny, please make the state force him to attend public high school.

This has been my random thoughts after finishing the season, if you disagree with me, that’s totally fine, they’re more just the thoughts I had late at night after being sick kept me up. Looking forward to the new season. It got confirmed to come out next year, although we still have no idea when.

Hang in there people, it will be here soon.

#umbrella academy #five hargreeves #allison hargreeves #luther hargreeves #sloane hargreeves #diego hargreeves #lila pitts #ramblings #so excited for season four #five is my special guy only i understand him/j #foaming at the mouth #i kept randomly squeaking while watching the season cause i got too excited to see my little dudes doing things on the screen

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randomvarious · 4 months

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Today's compilation:

Cajun Spice 1989 Cajun / Folk / Zydeco

Well, folks, it looks like our first comp of this new year is taking us on a trip down to southern Louisiana, aka Acadiana, where Cajun music, in some form or fashion, has been a fixture of the region's culture since the latter part of the 1700s. And if you've ever wondered why Cajun people are called Cajuns in the first place, it's because they originally hailed from Acadia—what are now parts of maritime Canada, Québec, and northern Maine—and if you chop off the front 'A' from 'Acadian' and then say the remainder of the word quickly enough, what you'll inevitably end up saying is 'Cajun.' Simple as!

But why the Acadians didn't end up staying in Acadia was because of a terrible war, namely the Seven Years' one, whose resolution saw the French-speaking territory left in the hands of the British. The British then forced the Acadians into exile and a lot of them ended up migrating all the way down south to lower Louisiana, where, despite France having ceded the land to Spain by that point, they were still welcomed anyway.

So the reason why Louisiana has the most French speakers out of any other state in the Union, rather than the states that border the French-speaking provinces of Canada itself, is pretty much because of that period of Acadian migration. Pretty interesting, no?

But now we forge on to more modern times:

Although Cajun music predates Louisiana's admission into the Union, it didn't really gain much in the way of a national traction until the middish-1980s, which was a time that had also seen America writ large develop a fixation with Cajun food as well. And if you're going to really try to enjoy the cuisine, what better ambiance to pair it with than that same culture's music, right?

Which brings us to this little late 80s comp from roots and world music label Rounder Records here, who, in the earlier part of the decade, had really started to develop their own Cajun stable of artists. Rounder had released a few comps that consisted purely of both Cajun music and its sister genre of zydeco before this one, but all of those releases had originated from the 70s, and almost all of them also consisted of only two or three acts each. This 1989 release, on the other hand, Cajun Spice, was the first one from Rounder to be issued since Cajun music had really started to draw interest in the US outside of Louisiana, and the list of musicians on it was far lengthier too.

But now here's the bad news: it took until getting a few songs deep into this comp for me to finally realize, that out of every instrument that I've ever heard in my life, the one that I might have a most visceral dislike for is the accordion. And that might make my German ancestors furiously turn over in their own graves, but there is just something about the type of sound that emanates out of those strange contraptions that feels so extremely lame and corny to me. And I know that I'm probably not alone in feeling this way, but guess what the lead instrument in Cajun music happens to be. Yep, that's right. The accordion! 😩

Now, I'm sure it's one thing to actually go down to Acadiana and immerse yourself in the culture for a night of good fun, which would include getting down to this unique form of folk-dance music that's found a way to keep on existing, but outside of a setting like that, I don't think I wanna hear much in the way of accordion-led music ever again. At the very least, I've definitely had my fill of it for this year alone 😅.

But with all of that said, and despite my personal distaste for this stuff in general, I can still tell that the tunes on this album are very well-made. The musicians are clearly gifted and what they're playing is definitely infectious...if you can find a way to stand it, which I really can't. But if you're way more tolerant of a prominent accordion than I am, or if you already like Cajun music, or if you're just interested in hearing it for the first time, then I definitely recommend this album. AllMusic gave it four and a half out of five stars and I can definitely see why, because all of it is clearly quality stuff.

No highlights.

#cajun #cajun music #folk #folk music #zydeco #louisiana #music #70s #70s music #70's #70's music #80s #80s music #80's #80's music

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amrv-5 · 5 months

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T R H for ask prompt :))) happy holiday <3

HELLO LIVV and HAPPY HOLIDAY!! wishing you continuing safe travels...!!!! Also this is so fucking long I'm so sorry. It was the writers question. It got me................

T: Any fandom tropes you can't stand?

Heh. I have a distaste for anything that -- this isn't a wildly common trope, notably, just one I see on occasion -- anything that portrays Hawk as helpless / passive. I think he gets fandom-ified sometimes into somebody who Needs Saving (and given some canon events, like, I Get It), but part of why I love him as a character so terribly much is his ridiculous scrappiness. He really doesn't take mistreatment / his situation / even his own negative emotions lying down. Guy's a fighter, even when he wishes he wasn't, and I don't really gel with fanon takes that leave him without some degree of agency in action (with the notable exception of him being literally drafted).

R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?

[sickos voice] YES!!!! HAHAHA!!! YES!!!! I'm sure I've said some of these before, so sorry for repeats, but addition of fanwriters makes this particularly exciting yaaaay okay.

Non-fanfic: Well. God. Sorry for the particularly cancellable white-male-loquaciousness double-whammy of Thomas Wolfe and David Foster Wallace. Always chasing Wolfe's sort of deeply poetic, emotional, very sensitive way of writing--how reflective he is, his insane force / presence on the page, and some other intangible quality that just makes me go "jesus fucking christ I have felt exactly this, how did he put it into words" every other page. Makes me insane. As for DFW, well, sorry again -- get a lot out of that sort of grounded intellectualism-feel in his writing (we can argue about its value / veracity forever, but push to shove it really works for me as a reader).

Uhhh Vonnegut obviously, so much so that I almost feel like I don't need to say it 'cause I'm always transparently in writing trying to be even 1/100 as funny, sensitive, and useful in my cynicism as him.

Virginia Woolf!!! Man to render somebody's internal state of being so so vividly. I think I clearly ripped her off in S2G2 ch4, but my god how can you Not she's brilliant. Following from that Alison Bechdel because, talk about your intellectual prose. Man. Can I say fucking Voltaire without anybody getting mad at me. Sorry. Candide novella ever and probably the only thing that will get me through learning French.

Now. Fanfic authors --

First and foremost, cleanwhiteroom, wherever they are. I got into Pacific Rim late, but Designations Congruent with Things is genuinely one of the most meaningful texts I have in my life, fanfic or no. Insane. Brilliant, intellectual, warm, approachable, funny, wildly original. Also, Parker lore, 80% of the reason I was a physicist until I wasn't.

Uhh I can't possibly list everyone in MASH right now, but a quick skim -- Granspn (brilliantly written and beautifully imagined), yukiawison for skillful inventiveness and tackling exactly the themes I always want to see, yaroantheo for the just. MAN!!! the so-well-rendered warmth and depth of feeling and kindness in Homecoming, Remyfire's grasp of physicality and vivid tangibility, gayfranzkafka for really effective formatting play, raven/singlecrow for a Hawk I'll never forget. I am CERTAIN there are others, these are just top of the head.

And, maybe a surprise contender given that I don't talk a ton about BCS -- jimmymcgools does things with landscape and light that make me fucking nuts. I've gone back and just stared at their descriptions of place, light shape and quality, land, etc. -- master at work fr.

H: How would you describe your style?

I do not think there is a single question I could possibly be less objective or accurate on LMAO. My first thoughts in order were: Bad (nonspecific and too mean to Parkers Past), Sprawling (this seems accurate), Concerned With Realism (not actively ATTEMPTING it, notably, but -- concerned. I am Concerned with Realism. Feels true). Melodramatic but maybe not with as much pejorative sentiment as the word usually carries. Verbose. I try to gesture in the direction of comedy? In general summary: Freakin' weird, dude.

#THANK YOU LIVV these were fun!!!!!!!#love writer questions.... yes... yes...#ask game

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inkiedw · 7 months

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I Can't Change

I've been living like this for years on end. I was never successful no matter how many times I tried to fix it. I don't like anything about myself but I've been living with it for so long that I can't imagine myself any other way. I can't imagine I'll be able to fix everything wrong with me. Everything I went through has made me how I am. Everything I feel has made me myself. How am I expected to change when its all I can even remember myself being as. Its been so long since I've been happy. It's been so long since I wasn't plagued with these illnesses. I feel like it is too late for me. It is too late and yet I'm still selfish enough to believe I deserve to be loved just as everyone else is. But the truth is I don't deserve to be loved because I am not in the correct state to be loved. It's been proven time and time again and yet I still delude myself over and over again thinking I deserve to be treated fairly. But maybe how I am now is the reason I only attract terrible people into my life. Because that is what my current self is worth. I can't treat myself fairly so why should I expect others to. What is the point anymore. I'm so afraid of myself that I can't even remember events correctly. Anytime I try to retell a string of events, the story is full of holes because my mind can't remember anything correctly anymore. What's the point of trying to tell my story when I just sound like a liar. Why am I even still here.. Nothing good has happened since my first attempt.. Any single obstacle I cross I can't even bring my mind to try to solve the problem. The only thing I can think is that if I had been successful in that attempt, I wouldn't have had to deal with this happening to me. Nothing is right anymore. Nothing about me is healthy, so why am I so surprised when I realize I have no healthy relationship in my life. I keep asking myself what did I do to deserve this, but I've blamed everything but myself. I'm so screwed up that only bad things come to me. But I can't fix it. I can't change anything anymore. I feel I'll be stuck like this for as long as I live.

#self h@rm #self h@te #tw depressing thoughts #I cant change

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sleepy-achilles · 1 year

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Second ask

Cassidy has a girl's day with her aunts, yes that includes Goldust.

Look at me. Late as usual. I'm good like that. Terrible thing is I've bascially done nothing today at all. Only walked my dog.

The Family of Destruction- Lucky Girls.

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Cassie purses her lips as she sits at the dinner table. Chyna, Stephanie and goldust stand around her. "Whyd you do it?" Stephanie asks. "It was an accident.." cassie frowns. "Okay, shooting one brother? Accident. You managed to shoot two brothers." Goldust huffs moving towards the counter. "Yeah, shooting John was an accident." Cassie sighs. "That makes sense" goldust nods pouring wine. "Am I missing something? Why is every male okay with the idea of Leon being shot?" Chyna asks. "You two wouldn't understand because he's an angel to you two. He's a little shit with mommy issues. He only has mommy issues because he hasn't got a mother. Which is something we can't change." Goldust huffs turning towards the girls.

"Hes not bad enough to shoot" Stephanie states. "He is. And it was his bow and arrow. John was just too close, it went through Leon's arm and into his. I don't know why his arrows are so sharp" she frowns. "Because he uses them to hunt. The monsters around here are thick skinned" goldust hums. "So, we've got time to kill before your dad comes home to punish you. What shall we do?" Steph asks. "Wanna go out?" Chyna asks. "Might be my last for awhile. Can we go shopping?" Cassie asks. "Of course we can darling. You know I love shopping with you" goldust cheers downing his wine.

The girls look at him shocked before laughing.

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"Can't you talk your dad into building a mall in the valley? The drive is way too long" goldust sighs. "Couldn't imagine living in the valley without a mall" Steph huffs. "He has got plans for a mall. The old land just outside the main town. Its out of sight, close to the field where the events are held, no sound complaints or building complaints." Cassie admits. "Seriously? Takers building a mall?" Chyna asks. "Mhm, tired of driving me and my friends out of town to shop but also tired of the complaints of the youth being bored youths who destroy things." Cassie answers.

"Has he started it yet?" Goldust asks, pretty sure he's seen builders around. "Yep. Papa did the designing for it. The build layouts are amazing." Cassie smiles. "Never knew Shawn had it in him" steph huffs as goldust parks. "So...you got the goods?" Goldust asks turning to the back seat. Cassie smiles and holds up the black and gold credit card. "How the hell did you get that?" Chyna asks reading the name on the card. Vince Mcmahon. "Leon stole it a year ago. Vince knows but doesn't care as long as its not steph or Shane." Cassie shrugs. "Lets see about that" steph mutters stealing the card and walking towards the mall. "Oh this will be fun!" Goldust cheers climbing out.

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The girls walk around the mall spending vinces money with no worries.

Goldust watches as Cassie stops outside one of the only men targeted shops. "Feeling guilty bug?" Goldust asks grabbing chyna and stephs attention. "A little bit...especially John." She whispers. "Oh. All right I guess we can spend some money on those mutts" goldust huffs leading the girls in the shop. Cassie looks around. "It stinks." She winces. "Boys for you baby, boys." Chyna huffs looking around. "Well, they have a lot John would like. Not so sure about Leon." Steph admits. Cassie walks up to the basketball vests. "He was complaining his Lakers one needed replacing." Cassie states. "Then let's get him a new one." Chyna hums looking for his size. "Ill look for a baseball hat, for both him and Leon." Stephanie states walking off.

"What do you want to get Leon then?" Goldust asks taking the vest as chyna states she's going to grab matching shorts and sweat bands for them. Cassie frowns and looks around. Her eyes spot the not so sporty section of the store and she pulls goldust over to it.

"This could work" he nods looking at the leather jackets. Cassie doesn't say anything, just smiles as she picks up a necklace. She knows Leon does wear necklaces. He had a choker with a ring on it, just like their papa used to wear. The ring was a three way gift between Matthew, Valentina and Leon. They each got one and the ring has their initials in it.

She looks at the jackets and helmet accessories and smiles. "This will do perfectly." She nods.

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Leon frowns as John leans against him. "So tired" John whispers. "Your heavy" Leon frowns. "Goldust said they went out shopping." Shawn whispers. "Shes in trouble. She shouldn't be having a girls day out!" Taker snaps. "Its fine dad..we are both alive and well." Leon huffs. "John has a match tomorrow and he's casted up and unable to use his arm!" Taker barks. Leon waits for him to continue. He doesn't. "Oh it's alright dad, I'm just a little sore" Leon huffs looking at his slinged arm. John let's out a huffed chuckle ad he rests his head on Leon's shoulder and closes his eyes.

"And you'll have a cool story to tell your classmates" Taker tells him. Leon rolls his eyes and rests his head against John's. "Sorry we are late! We got cassie her last meal" steph states carrying bags. "Last meal" Shawn huffs helping chyna with the bags. "I brought apology gifts." Cassie whispers holding up two bags. Taker looks at them. One with Leon's name and one withs John. "You are still in trouble. But go" Taker murmurs. Cassie nods and moves to her big brothers.

The adults gather behind the sofa and watch the interaction.

"I brought sorry gifts" she states. Both boys open their eyes. "You didnt have to bug" John yawns sitting up. "Speak for yourself" Leon huffs taking the bag. John rolls his eyes grabbing his bag. He smiles at the basketball gear. "Thanks bug" John smiles hugging her as he puts the hat on. Cassie smiles and looks at Leon. The leather jacket folded on his lap, the little helmet horns accessories sat on them. He hasn't got his own motorbike yet but he has a helmet for when he rides with dad.

Leon isn't smiling. His face is flat. Cassies heart races as he examines the necklace. John watches him concerned. Leon runs his finger over the emblem. A small smile quirks onto his face. "Ill give you this, it's a good one" Leon states glancing at his sister as he holds the necklace up over his head. Shawn and taker can't help but smile.

The necklace was a silver chain with a little silver arrow head on the end.

"You're a lucky girl bug" Leon smiles. Lowering the necklace. "I forgive you for shooting me" Leon states leaning forward, allowing cassie to put the necklace on him. "I forgive you two" John yawns resting his head back on Leon's shoulder. Cassie smiles at her parents. "No more girls days out for a month" Taker tells her. "And we will talk more about what happened today later." Shawn adds. "Mhm told you a girls day at the mall would work" chyna smirks. "I want vinces card back" Leon yawns.

"You little shit" Taker growls causing the others to laugh.

#wwe #shawn michaels #the undertaker #wwf #hbtaker #undertaker x shawn michaels #shawn x undertaker #leon michaels #cassidy michaels #john cena #stephanie mcmahon #chyna #goldust

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cherry-toxic · 1 year

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I posted 4,695 times in 2022

78 posts created (2%)

4,617 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@backwardshirt

@wickedlydevious

@mayweallbehuman

@shadowthorne

@puraiuddo

I tagged 1,626 of my posts in 2022

#grimmjow - 211 posts

#animal tag - 211 posts

#grimmichi - 109 posts

#bleach - 106 posts

#harringrove - 94 posts

#billy hargrove - 71 posts

#art - 69 posts

#wanderlust - 56 posts

#stranger things spoilers - 51 posts

#max and billy - 44 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#but am i the only one thinking its more weird to plan marriage and spending the rest of your life with some1 youve only dated for 5 months

My Top Posts in 2022:

Rule: tag 9 people you want to know better

Thanks for the tag @sarcasm-vending-machine 😘

(I started a new post because that one was getting a bit long)

Favourite piece of clothing you own? Right now it's my blue wool 'hippy' trousers, they are SO comfortable. I've only had them for about a month but I've worn them almost every day.

Your comfort food? Probably pizza. I go on and off different types of food all the time but pizza is a pretty consistent like

Favourite time of the year? Late spring and summer. I get cold very easily, my hands and feet are like ice most days so I need warm weather to be comfortable

Favourite song? This is a mean question how am I supposed to answer this??? (I'll give you jólanótt by SKÁLD and shit boat (no fans) by alestorm, two very different songs which I've been listening to a lot lately)

Do you collect something? Not really, I'm just a clutter bitch

Favourite drink? Coca cola. Yes yes I know it's full of sugar and terribly bad for you but I love it

Favourite fanfiction? Again how am I supposed to answer this??? I dont think I could even give you a top ten theres just too many that I've loved over the years

75 notes - Posted January 2, 2022

Sometimes I just think about how ichigo and grimmjow both have/had five friends/companions who they fought/travelled together with but ichigo's friends vowed to grow stronger so they could fight along side him as equals where as grimmjow's fraccion gave up the possibility of growing stronger in order to support his growth

84 notes - Posted January 26, 2022

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102 notes - Posted February 13, 2022

So, about max and her monologue about billy, it's not that I dont believe max could feel such a way or that it doesnt make sense (honestly I would be a liar if I said I haven't also wished my shitty brother dead before) but it also feels a little off to me considering how their relationship was presented in s3.

At first I thought maybe i had misinterpreted it, maybe max and billy really did hate each other right up until the moment of his death. But then i remembered this interview with sadie sink from 2019 where she spoke about max and billy going into s3

I didnt expect them to be best friends or even particulary close with each other (and I had a strong feeling billy was gonna die anyway) but I remember feeling hopeful when I read this interview, hopeful that we'd at least get to see a different side to their relationship, and I was massively disappointed when s3 barely focused on them at all.

But, the small glimpses that we did see proved that they were in a different place than they had been in s2

When max talked to el about billy she spoke in a lighthearted manner, she wasnt resentful, she made jokes, she talked about him like he was just her annoying gross older brother who liked to walk around without a shirt on and bring girls home to make 'happy screams'

And then, of course, theres the sauna test. She was visibly distressed upon seeing Billy in that state. She was in pain. She started crying. She said, "it's okay... i believe you... we're going to figure this out together okay" like she actually wanted to help him, save him...

And thats why it feels weird to me. Not because feelings are complicated and that a few peaceful months between them dont erase everything he put her through, but because she apparently went from we'll figure this out together to I dont know if he deserved to be saved in the space of three days.

And when I say it feels weird, I think what I mean is ffs a little consistency would be nice

159 notes - Posted July 5, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

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185 notes - Posted January 16, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #50% of my personality is grimmjow

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shadowsshowdown · 2 months

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Deus Ex: Human Revolution Shadow’s Showdown 66

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The blue among black.

Detroit. Connor's apartment.

Laura stood a few steps away from the Aston Martin, expecting an answer. During her visit to Rupert, she had almost forgotten that her wounds had not yet healed, and now they reminded her about their presence with a piercing pain twisting her mouth in an unnatural grimace. The whole situation overwhelmed the woman more and more, and Connor wasn't making anything easy for her.

"We'll talk about it at home, okay?" he suggested with calmness in his voice. "You're tired, and barely staying on your feet because of the pain. Please don't protest."

A long, loud sigh answered him. Calm, Dale always was calm. Sometimes even suspiciously and unnaturally as if someone had programmed him, she thought. The woman nodded and got into the car. Had it not been for the pain, their conversation would have turned into an argument, one of those similar to a hurricane. During all the travel they remained silent. Dale decided not to try to change this fact and focused on driving the car, which moved smoothly on the asphalt and braked gently at pedestrian crossings and red lights. Even when he stepped on the gas to overtake the car in front of them, he did so with great accuracy. At such moments, it's better to take a step back than to impose himself by talking about the weather. He turned on the radio but as soon as the first words of a song came from the speakers he immediately regretted it.

In our headlights, staring, bleak, beer cans, deer's eyes On the asphalt underneath, our crushed plans and my lies Lonely street signs, power lines, they keep on flashing, flashing by (flashing)

The lies, his lies, with which he fed Laura, were unforgivable, and being aware of this, he continued to press on with this shit. He continued pretending to be a model friend and a knight on a white horse. Someday shit will hit the fan, and the price he would pay would be enormous. He reached out looking for the button to turn off the radio when he felt the touch of her hand on his.

"Leave it on. I like this song," she said quietly.

So he had to continue to endure this torture but despite his desire, he did not protest. He bit his lip so hard that he immediately felt the sweet-metallic taste of blood in his mouth.

And we keep driving into the night, It's a late goodbye, such a late goodbye And we keep driving into the night, it's a late goodbye

When they reached the house, he helped her take off her jacket and shoes. In doing so, he expected a terrible argument, but Laura was calm. Too calm for what she had accustomed him to. She marched to the bathroom and then straight to bed before he had time to suggest it to her. Dressed in his pyjamas, he joined her moments later, handing her a mug of hot cocoa.

"Wounds bothered you a lot when we were at Rupert's?" he asked, turning a grey mug in his hands. For her, he prepared a blue one. He bought it on purpose, though he knew it would disturb the harmonies of the grey. Maybe that's not a bad thing? "Yes and no," she replied. "I forgot about the pain for a while, but then it reminded me about its existence."

Connor turned the mug in his hands again, giving by that an expression of nervousness, and looked at his reflection peering at the surface of the brown liquid. "I didn't tell you about Adam and the funeral because I saw the state you were in. I knew it would have killed you. I was afraid, so damn afraid. That's why I kept silent."

Honesty, a step forward, a step toward being a better person. Am I sure I’m still human? Where does humanity end? Maybe I am already a machine? - these questions have haunted him for many years. He set his mug down on the nightstand and wanted to go to sleep but when he turned his head he encountered Laura's green, sparkling eyes. They seemed unnaturally large and extraordinarily beautiful to him. They attracted him, hypnotized him, tempted him. He fought the temptation, although anyone else in his position would certainly have given up without a fight and seized the opportunity. He wouldn't, despite how close they had become in recent times. Despite how much events had brought them together. He trembled more and more overwhelmed with fear.

Your breath hot upon my cheek and we crossed that line

He did not know when it happened, but their lips joined in a long, passionate kiss. His struggle proved futile, and he felt bad about it. It went against all his principles, yet he couldn't break the moment. They had already kissed at Sarif's ball, but then it was completely different. It was just a game. At least that's how he explained it. He wanted to push Laura away, but his hands froze in mid-motion. The body stopped listening to commands. It gave up.

You made me strong when I was feeling weak and we crossed that one time Screaming stop signs, staring wild eyes, keep on flashing, flashing by (flashing)

Her lips were soft and sweet, perfectly balancing the bitterness ingrained in him. Laura was very forceful, perhaps even slightly insistent. He could have sworn she stroked his palate with her tongue, but maybe it was his imagination that was more creative than usual. They lingered like this in non-being, somewhere between waking up and dreaming, in a stagnant silence broken only by the hum of cars that passed by his house from time to time. When he decided to get carried away with the moment and accepted that he was lost, she cut the kiss by pushing him away slightly.

"I'm sorry, that was inappropriate. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm stupid." She looked away, embarrassed, blushing, beautiful. "We're just humans, and humans do all sorts of strange things. Apparently we both needed it," Connor replied calmly, though he did not know by what miracle he was able to put aside his emotions. Embarrassment came later and was even greater when he realized he had used the word "both." "I gave you unnecessary hope," she said. "Nonsense. We've known each other for a while. If there was going to be a fiery feeling between us, it would have happened long ago." He lied. The feeling had long since burst into flame, but only he knew about it. "But…" "Forget about it," his voice now took on a firmness, sounding almost like an order. He had to, otherwise things would get bad. "Fine," she replied, gaining a slight smile. "If you had told me about the funeral earlier, I would have bought flowers," she changed the subject, sensing that Dale was not at all easily distanced from her gesture. "I don't have anything suitable to wear." "Relax, there will be plenty of time in the morning. We'll drive over to your place and then to the flower shop." "Mhm…" she muttered.

Laura fell asleep before Connor had time to add he should change her dressing. He covered her with a quilt and a moment later fell asleep beside her himself. He should go to the other room but didn't have the strength. Besides it could look awkward in the current situation and negate his earlier statement.

The morning broke into Dale's sleepy reality with a loud purring and merciless scratching of his belly. He probably would have ignored this fact had it not been for the accompanying excruciating pain and the simultaneous feeling that the room was terribly hot. His sleepy gaze soon sharpened on the big cat eyes staring at him.

"Stalker…" he muttered quietly, not wanting to wake Laura.

He blinked several times trying to catch the focus of his vision and verify he was at his home. Moments earlier, he had been sitting in the cockpit of the spaceship, typing in the coordinates of the planet he was about to travel to on the touch screen. Master Pai Mei gave him an important quest to find socks. Not just any socks. One was to be right, and the other left, both in a perfectly harmonious grey colour. He visited plenty of empty planets, asked the locals, and was even in a nightclub where he intended to rest before departing but the place was uninteresting and only a few people were lazily swaying to the fast pace of electronic music so he decided to move on. After dozens of hours of travel he had about a hundred pairs of socks but none of them formed that perfect pair so he continued to fly aimlessly and the journey seemed endless.

As he untangled his legs from under the quilt, he noticed he was wearing jeans and a thick wool sweater. This was more ridiculous than his dream. He hurriedly took the cat in his arms and marched to the kitchen. Through all the commotion, he forgot refilling the food dispenser. In the process, he replaced the water in the bowl with clean water, while incessantly thinking why he slept with his clothes on. He was sure he had put on his pyjamas but maybe through fatigue he only thought so. The clock ticking on the wall announced it was about seven in the morning, so he was going to change his clothes, go back to bed and indulge in a little more sweet laziness. On his way to the bathroom he saw his pyjamas lying on the floor, his jacket right next to it, his cap carelessly thrown on the cabinet and his muddy shoes, one of which was lying near the door and the other standing by the pouffe. Once he had put all his things in order, he noticed a scarf hanging from a lamp. He pulled carefully at its end while sighing helplessly. He suspected it was Laura who had played a prank on him however he could not ask her about it. Having changed his clothes, he marched to the bedroom and, sitting on the edge of the bed, slipped his slippers off his feet, placing them perfectly evenly next to each other. The tip of the left slipper was already beginning to rub through, making it less grey than the other at this point, which irritated Connor immensely. That's why it was so hard for him to accept he could leave his clothes scattered and his shoes dirty. Unfortunately, in addition to further analyzing the bizarre event, he was quickly overwhelmed by new concerns about how Laura would behave at the funeral. He sincerely hoped nothing untoward would happen.

An hour later they were sitting together in the kitchen eating breakfast although it was more Dale who swallowed the prepared meal while Laura bit into her sandwich maybe twice. They didn't talk much beyond the necessary communication. When they finished, Connor went to the bathroom, while Laura returned to the room and prepared her clothes to go out. Dale, mindful of Laura's condition, tried not to rush her, but there was not as much time as he assumed.

"I'm sorry for being so clumsy. We'll probably be late," she sighed with resignation as she tried unsuccessfully to zip up her jacket. "We'll make it in time if you know what you want to wear and what flowers to buy," he replied, helped Laura deal with the zipper and corrected her cap, which was tilted to the right a bit too much.

A quarter of an hour later they were already outside her house. Connor wanted to go with Laura, but she assured she could manage on her own and it wouldn't take too long. Actually, she wasn't lying, although what she was wearing made his fears confirmed.

"I don't think you have any intention of…" "Yes I do," she replied in a firm tone, interrupting him in mid-sentence. "But…" "If you want to be on time, you'd better save the remarks for yourself," she added. "You've obviously forgotten we're going to a funeral, not a party," he didn't want to give up but if they were going to make it in time, he had to give in to her so he sighed, let out the air loudly and started the engine.

On the way, they stopped in front of a flower shop. Dale didn't want to know what she would come up with this time. She came out carrying a bouquet of forget-me-nots and an amaranth orchid. He had hoped for something more appropriate but it could have been worse. Connor drove the car as perfectly as he behaved every day, and that irritated Laura, especially today. If she had been the one driving, at least a few times she would have allowed herself to exceed the speed limit or speed up when the light changed from green to red. She had a feeling that even Adam wouldn't be so by the book.

Detroit. Cemetery.

The cemetery, placed near the church, was not large, making the gathered people crowd like ants in an anthill. Rectangular space was fenced with a stone wall, having not many gravestones on it and a few old trees. Laura recognized some of the faces she saw in the company corridor. There were those obnoxious whores, who saw in Jensen only a nice ass, and also those who would most willingly get rid of Laura. Her observations were interrupted by a sudden tug on her arm. The woman's gaze went straight to the source of the gesture.

"It's good you came. Otherwise, I would have torn you apart with my own hands," she heard Faridah's quiet but extremely aggressive tone. "Although I should for what you’re wearing." "Let her go," interrupted Connor firmly. "You don't even know what kind of hell she's been through." "Are you going to defend her now?" she snarled, stepping back and intertwining her hands on her chest. "We'll talk about it later and in another place. For example, at my house after the funeral," he suggested. "Be that as it may. Now follow me. After all, you are more important than half of these insincere colleagues."

Malik paved the way and soon they found themselves next to Pritchard, Athene and David Sarif. Frank looked odd, to say the least, in his black coat and panama type hat. There were also two people there whom Laura didn't know but guessed were probably Adam's parents. The man stood confidently on his feet, upright with his head proudly raised. He was tall, slim and athletic, bringing to mind a security guard or military officer. He gave the impression of someone of icy character as if he didn't care he had lost his son. He wore a perfectly tailored black coat and an elegant hat. Next to him stood a woman, rather slim and reaching the man's shoulder in height. She couldn't see the faces of both of them because at the moment they were standing with their backs to her, exchanging a few words with Sarif, who was so nice that if she didn't know him she would get caught in those business tricks.

Before the ceremony began, it started to rain, which momentarily turned into thick snow. Soon a sea of umbrellas spilled over the cemetery, and Connor looked triumphantly at Laura, who only sighed. Before they got out of the Aston Martin she had argued with him about the umbrella he now held over his head and hers. The anticipation was increasingly unbearable. She felt like she was hearing whispers, accusations and remarks. She wouldn't have cared so much if it had been about appearance. Unfortunately, they were talking about the fact that she was the one who contributed to the death of Adam and many other people. She wanted to run away, to disappear, to squander everything she had worked out during her visit to Rupert. The woman looked behind her trying to find the best route of escape, carefully planning every move. Her intentions were interrupted by the Scot, standing together with Demelza not far from the old oak tree. He was her salvation in this difficult moment. One look from him was enough to give her strength.

The ceremony, though it seemed long, flashed by in time, stopping at a question addressed to those gathered. "Does anyone want to say anything?" - rumbled in her head. A growing hesitation, uncertainty, and fear. Maybe she shouldn't, but after all, she wanted to. She had to.

"I'd like to say a few words," she announced in a loud, confident tone.

The crowd murmured, Connor looked at her in horror. Faridah shook her head, escaping with her gaze to the side. Sarif, on the other hand, remained unmoved, as if Adam was just one of his pawns to be replaced. Laura stepped forward and stood next to the pit where the coffin rested. It was cherry-coloured and had an ornate plaque with name, surname and dates. Adam Jensen - the inscription proclaimed. She still couldn't believe it. It still didn't occur to her that she had lost him as well. A rotten world, full of insincerity and evil. Unfortunately, this is not a movie. Here there are no superheroes with immense powers. There are only ordinary people, mostly indifferent to what is happening around them. Reconciled to everything that follows.

"I know most of you are outraged by my appearance, however, I think Adam would not like to see us depressed. Especially if it is forced by the situation. That's why I'm sincere and will say goodbye to him dressed in a blue coat, dress and wide-brimmed derby hat. I will say goodbye to him as he deserves, and in my memory, he will shine like gold, forever. I will smile and rejoice because he probably travelled to a better world. Free of lies and conspiracies. This is not goodbye, but only a fond farewell, because one day maybe we will meet again and you will greet me with that husky voice of yours saying "Good morning". I will miss you, though I hope you are happy."

The crowd murmured even more like a swarm of agitated bees. Laura walked closer and threw a bouquet of forget-me-nots on the lid of the coffin.

"I will never forget you, grumpy Cerberus," she whispered.

As she turned back to Connor, she could have sworn that Sarif's lips twitched in a smile of recognition or disdain. Faridah wanted to say something but only opened her mouth. Laura looked back toward Rupert, who silently clapped his hands, letting her know her actions were right. Soon the ceremony was over and the crowd slowly dwindled, walking through narrow gates. Malik still couldn't believe Adam was gone, although she was more surprised that Laura didn't shed a single tear unlike her. After all, they were already so close and she cared so much about him. What had happened beyond her knowledge? And why is Laura moving with such difficulty?

"Are we going home?" asked Dale, again shielding her with an umbrella. "I'd like to talk to Rupert for a while, and then visit one more place.

Connor guessed who the orchid was for and fear gripped him again. He followed the woman with his eyes until Faridah interrupted him.

"I can come at five o'clock today if you don't mind," she said in a cool tone. "Of course, you're welcome," he replied politely, though he knew it would be a difficult conversation.

"It's good to see you, my dear, despite the circumstances," Demelza greeted her with usual kindness, then wiped her eyes with a checkered handkerchief. "It’s good to see you too. Your presence has helped me a lot," she said looking at them.

Only now did grief overwhelm her and Laura realized that she simply was stressed. She felt the chill of the wind blowing and the cold snowflakes hitting against her cheeks. Rupert, seeing the state she was in, came over and shielded her with an umbrella.

"Thank you," she said quietly. "You're welcome. You were very brave today. I may question your choice of outfit, but you were able to push the boundaries. You will be remembered, that's for sure. Maybe even appreciated." "I don't care about recognition. I did it for myself, that's what my conscience and gut dictated. Adam was very principled, however, I know he wouldn't want me to worry. Besides, I often went against his principles."

Rupert smiled slightly, suppressing laughter due to the seriousness of the situation and respect for the place. "It's true, he was the complete opposite of you, and yet you understood each other perfectly," he admitted, nodding at the same time.

Laura wanted to say something more but was interrupted by Connor as if he didn't want her to talk to Rupert.

"Forgive me for interrupting, but we should get back," he suggested. "You can go back on your own, I'll stay here some more," she replied.

Dale didn't want to argue, not here. He didn't want to be overprotective either, but the woman needed to rest in a warm bed, besides, they were going to visit one more place and Faridah will visit them later.

"Faridah will visit us today."

These words electrified Laura, causing her to anxiously shift from one foot to the other. She had not expected this confrontation, not today. There seemed to be nothing left of the old friendship, only regret and hostility.

"You know you can visit us anytime you want," the psychologist reminded her. "Now I certainly know," she replied jokingly. "See you around. Stay safe." "See you, my dear. We'll be waiting," Demelza replied.

youtube

Detroit.

Connor knew which place Laura wanted to visit so he just drove while she silently held an orchid in her hands. The Aston Martin gently turned right and fit into the gap between the two cars. The woman got out on her own and disappeared into the alley after a while. He didn't even ask if he could accompany her. Maybe he should go there? What if someone is there? If she is in danger again? Doubts rolled around in his head creating surreal images. Still, he restrained his imagination before the creations escalated into something even more preposterous. He turned on the radio and immediately cursed quietly under his breath. Today he certainly has bad luck with his song selection.

Birds are born with no shackles Then what fetters my fate? Blown away, the white petals Leave me trapped in the cage

The endless isolation Can wear down my illusion Someday, I'll make a dream unchained

Laura looked around the yard. She had the impression that time had stood still here. The old, dirty mattresses, from which springs were sticking out, still remembered the events of that evening. The broken glass had not been cleaned up by anyone. The lamp post invariably looked on from above with the eye of a bulb hidden behind half-shattered plastic. Even the outlines of the bodies that the police had marked with white paint were still visible on the dark, cracked concrete. Everything was the same, except for the framed picture lying on the ground. The woman crouched down to take a closer look at it. It depicted a black silhouette trapped in a reddish-black lump resembling solidified lava. The figure had broken purple wings from which red liquid, probably blood, was dripping.

Laura's first instinct was to run away, she was overwhelmed with horror that once again Kratos was trying to dominate her life. She wanted to be as far away from this place as possible, to hide somewhere where he wouldn't find her. She was beginning to descend into madness again, and the madness consuming her was nothing but another victory for the enemy. Enough! - she shouted in her mind. So many times she had promised herself she would take up this fight, and each time she lost. Adam's life, Joe's life, how much more must happen for her to finally be hungry for vengeance? She hid the picture in her handbag and looked around the square once more, searching for something that could be a vase. She found a paint can, which she weighted down with a few stones and put the flower in it then went back to where Joe had died and placed an orchid on the ground.

"I will not run away again, Joe. Your wings will now be mine, I will fulfil my dream of freedom. I know I keep saying this, but I promise you that Kratos will pay for everything. Every our scar will be his scar. Finally, you will be able to be proud of me. You will always have a place in my heart, I will always remember your every smile, every bad day, our arguments and what separated us. Something that was supposed to be ours and never became real because of Kratos. I will always love you, Navras."

Let my heart bravely spread the wings Soaring past the night, to trace the primal light Let the clouds heal me of the stains Gently wipe the sorrow of my life I dream

The wind swept across the yard, hitting Laura with a piercing cold and almost snatching the hat from her head. She gripped it tightly with both hands, waiting for the wind to stop. She heard the sound of breaking glass and ringing metal. Her gaze momentarily went in the direction from which it came, but she saw no one. It was certainly the wind, so she ignored the incident, focusing her gaze on the orchid for a moment longer. Parting was something she couldn't handle at all, so she stood despite the biting cold and snow. The woman closed her eyes, and after a moment the feeling that she was not alone here overwhelmed her. She felt warmth as if someone was embracing her, and a warm breath right next to her ear made her tremble. She let the feeling carry her away. If only for a moment.

"I know you'd like to stay here a lot longer, but we should get back. It's getting colder," Connor's quiet voice made her jump slightly in place. "You scared me," she said a little angry that he had interrupted such an important moment for her by invading her private space. Nevertheless, he was right, the weather was getting worse, she was not feeling well, and the edge of her coat was gradually soaking up with water. Besides, Faridah was about to visit them. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to disturb you, but I had to," he tried to explain with a partial lie. Yes, they should be home by now however he was actually worried about whether someone had attacked her. "Give me a moment more, I'll be right there," she asked, though it was the kind of tone that doesn't like refusal. "Okay, but not too long," he muttered and reluctantly returned to the car.

Left alone again, Laura took the picture out of her handbag and took another look at it. She wondered who could have left it there. Was it really Damien, who had smashed glass while watching her, and tripped over a garbage trash can while running away? Her head spun but she managed to catch her balance and immediately moved toward the main street.

"Goodbye," she said, stopping for a moment and looking back.

What is meant by miraclе? A word outside my days Once again, with the bubblеs But how could I escape?

No further hesitation On those unanswered questions So now, I'll make a dream unchained

Connor breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of her, but the expression on his face clouded slightly when he saw with what difficulty Laura was moving. He momentarily got out of the Aston Martin, helped her reach the car and take her place in the passenger seat. The woman was remarkably calm, even cheerful as if she got rid of the burden she had been carrying all along.

"Let's go home," she said quietly fastening her seat belt.

Dale merely nodded and started the engine.

All chapters can be found: [AO3], [dA], [Wattpad]and[Tumblr

#Deus Ex #DXHR #Deus Ex Human Revolution #Adam Jensen #Shadowfanfic #crunchy-shadow #Shadow's Showdown #Nifriel #I never asked for this #Fanfiction #Evie Dormer OC #Joe Mando OC #Cyberpunk #Writers on tumblr #Youtube

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