#i thought it was bad while i was on break bcs i just felt numb and mindless all the time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ughkat · 7 months

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bleach - c.t.h

part one

calum x fem!reader

basically y/n and calum broke up bc of her mental health but they still see each other, and y/n suspects calum is already seeing new people and is jealous

tw: mental health talk, depression, anxiety, self image, eating, dissociation, breakup talk

over all cw: angst, smut, kissing, petnames, ex!calum, smoking, drinking, swearing,

not proofread

My mind grew numb and the sounds around me faded slowly to white noise. I glared blankly at my bedroom wall ahead of me following waking up fifteen minutes prior. I listened to my shallow breaths rise and fall as my few moments of peaceful absentminded dissociation shifted itself into an anxious pit in my stomach. A feeling I was all too familiar with. I let out a breath while the routine numbing emotion and inevitable dread slowly fell over me, blinking out of my trance.

All I could think of to aide my overwhelming sense of drowning was the boy causing it. I felt stuck in a cycle knowing my low wouldn't be so catastrophic if it wasn't for my "break" with Calum. He believed our 2 year relationship was taking a toll on me mentally, saying I needed time to care for myself and so did he. I've had my own share of mental health struggles prior to him, of course, though the sudden change of direction with the two of us didn't help the fire. I could tell it was almost just as hard for him as it was for me, being he still comes and sees me frequently. He never ended anything on bad terms, thankfully.

However, I can't shake the feeling that Calum only part ways with me because I was too difficult to handle, not for my best interest.

I reached for my phone beside me, checking the time. I scolded myself mentally for how long I let myself sleep through the day. At the top of my notifications, a message notification from Calum lit up the screen. I perked up slightly at the sight, his presence giving me an ounce of life back into my veins.

"Are you up yet? I wanna come see you today."

I half smiled at the message, it's words momentarily distracting myself from the sinking feeling inside of me. I slid open the notification before responding.

"I'm up. Give me 10."

I tossed my phone back onto my bed, letting out a sigh. I lolled my head to the side tiredly, unmotivated to leave my spot on my bed. Using every inch of power in me, I sat up from my bed, skipping the shower and head to my closet.

I rummaged lazily thought clean clothes, grabbing another pair of sweat pants and a large t shirt. Briefly checking my face in my mirror, I ignored my appearance, unwilling to battle my self conscious thoughts at the moment.

I flopped myself back into my bed, opening my phone once again to a message from Calum.

"Omw."

My stomach fluttered at the thought of him alone, him being one of the driving factors motivating me to be a functional person. All I wanted was Calum. Everything in my mind was him. Every second of my day, I was thinking about Calum. I shamed myself for the amount of self awareness I had about my feelings towards my ex boyfriend, yet choosing to not move on.

I had my suspicions that Calum felt the same, knowing if he didn't, there was no way he'd still be so kind, let alone come see me so often. We knew as a unit that we weren't together, and had no intentions of being back together, yet we couldn't seem to stay away from each other.

I scrolled aimlessly on my phone awaiting Calum's arrival as I heard his signature three knocks at my door. I jumped up pathetically quick at his presence, heading to the front door. I looked up as I opened the door, revealing Calum with a half warm smile.

"Hey, kid." He greeted, bringing me in for a hug. I smiled uncontrollably at the name he so often used for me as he wrapped his arms snugly around my neck, rubbing his hand on my head. I embraced him around the waist, burying my face into his chest with an exhausted whine. I pulled back and stepped to the side, inviting him in before shutting the door behind us. He had a generously sized grocery bag filled with various snacks and drinks. I motioned with my hand towards my room, guiding his way to where we most frequented. I repositioned myself at the head of my bed, criss crossed as Calum took a seat in front of me.

"I brought some snacks." He set the bag down, motioning with his head, "Those candies you like." He looked up at me with a cheeky smile. I giggled softly, shaking my head.

"Thanks." I spoke, "I'm not that hungry.". Calum furrowed his eyebrows, tilting his head with suspicion.

"It's 2 PM, when was the last time you ate? I know you're hungry." He urged softly. I rolled my eyes playfully, brushing off his concerns quickly. I tried my best to play off my sinking feeling to avoid feeling like a problem. Calum looked at me deeply before scooting in closer.

"Really, though. How are you?" He asked genuinely. I looked up at him, studying his expression. His eyes squinted as he patiently waited for my response.

"I don't know." I shrugged, "I'm okay." I began to anxiously fidget at the plastic bag between us, avoiding his eyes.

"You don't look okay." He replied in a serious tone, "I've been worried about you.". I let out a sigh and let my eyes wander the room aimlessly, I tried frantically to seem nonchalant.

"I don't know, breakups can be hard, Cal." I muttered, trying my best to excuse my elongated low period. Calum shook his head, sitting up slightly.

"No, this is more than that." He spoke, moving his head to meet my eyes. I glanced up to him, biting the inside of my cheek.

"You're not sleeping, when you do you sleep until the late afternoon, you're barely eating, you look exhausted..." He rambled, talking with his hands. I began to feel a lump form in my throat, the feeling of being a problem starting to take over. I darted my eyes to my hands fidgeting in my lap, blinking tears away from the corners of my eyes.

"The breakup was supposed to help you work on this, not make it worse." He watched me closely, hesitant with his words. I tear quickly escaped my eye before I brought a fast hand to my fast, wiping it swiftly. Calum's posture softened.

"Hey." He spoke softly, placing a hand on my knee, "I'm sorry." He sighed. I shook my head, already feeling embarrassed for letting myself cry so easily.

"I just want you to be okay." He placed a hand under my chin, moving my eyes to his. I blinked quickly to rid of any tears trying to fall. Calum moved his hand to the side of my face, brushing his thumb on my cheek softly, "That's all I want.". I looked at Calum briefly before falling into his chest dramatically, his wrapping his arms around me tightly.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled into his chest. Calum shook his head.

"You're okay." He reassured, caressing my back gently with his hand. I let out a sigh before sitting up, wiping my face. Calum flashed me a warm smile before tilting his head.

"Will you at least eat snacks with me?" He sarcastically jutted his bottom lip out slightly. I uncontrollably let out a giggle, rolling my eyes.

"Fine.".

Calum and I were halfway through yet another terrible comedy movie after hours of pitiful laughter. We had made a dent in his haul of junk food and spent our time lazily in my bed.

My head turned between us at a ding ringing from Calum's phone. He moved quickly, silencing the phone's ringer before flipping it face down. I glanced back up to Calum, who had resumed his eyes to the screen in front of us. I narrowed my eyes in suspicion, though telling myself to ignore it. These things shouldn't bother me anymore. My impulse took the best of me as my words flowed uncontrollably.

"What was that?" I asked calmly, gesturing to Calum's phone. Calum looked at me, then down to his phone before forcing a fake expression.

"...Oh! Yeah, that was just a work message." He spoke, failing a "cool dude" attitude as his phone vibrated silently once more. I raised my eyebrows.

"Well shouldn't you check that?" I urged, tilting my head. My suspicions growing bigger and bigger by the second. Why do I care?

"Nah, I can get it later." He brushed off, glancing at the phone quickly. I hummed quietly as I watched his shifting body language. My mind began to race at the mysterious texts and who they could be from. Petty jealousy took over me, filling me with anger.

"What if it's important?" I pushed. Calum looked at me cross.

"Fine." He muttered, flipping the phone over. My eyebrows furrowed at the name which very obviously was not work.

"Rose?" I exaggerated, sitting up in my seat. Calum let out a sigh and looked to his side before speaking.

"Yeah, she's a coworker." He explained loosely. I narrowed my eyes, not buying his story.

"Right." I started. Before I could gather my thoughts, Calum stood up from my bed abruptly.

"I gotta head out, kid." He sighed, avoiding my eyes. I scoffed in disbelief.

"Really?" I argued. Calum paused at my door.

"I'm sorry. I'll see you later, okay?" He spoke genuinely before exiting my room. I stared at my door blankly until I heard the latch of the front entrance, indicating his exit.

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wildgirllz · 1 year

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request for our little lawboy sam winchester

So, the reader and sam have an age gap i want this to be during s2 so 20 and 23 and reader is utterly and irrevocably in love with him, but unfortunately its all unrequited (its not) She thinks samsnot into her bc he sees her as a kid and when she sees how hes acting around madison (s2 werewolf girl) she gets more upset and goes straight back to wherever theyre staying at and gets a little drunk and shes blasting some taylor swift song like enchanted or something (or you belong with me) and dancing and screaming along to it while crying when dean and sam enter and theyre like dude what even and she gets a bit embarrassed and maybe deans aware of her feelings

No idea how this end so ill leave it up to you and if you want to make changes or add anything cause you think it makes more sense you can and im so sorry this was so specific and long 🫡

TYSM LY

Ofc!! Here you go! (The gif is a distraction)

Sorry it’s short I didn’t know how else to do it 😭

Sam Winchester x Fem!reader

Warnings: a lot of whiskey, alcohol consumption, angst, not a happy ending, depression, bad self image.

You take another shot of whiskey, feeling the burn as it slides down your throat. You've lost track of how many you've had, but at this point, you don't care. All you can think about is Sam, and how much you love him. But you're too scared to tell him, too scared to face the possibility of rejection.

And then there's Madison, the werewolf girl that Sam has been spending so much time with. You've seen the way he looks at her, the way he talks to her. You know that he's interested in her, and it breaks your heart.

You take another swig of whiskey, feeling the tears welling up in your eyes. You don't know what to do, how to make the pain go away. All you can think about is how much you want to be with Sam, and how impossible that seems.

The door opens, but you don't even turn to look. You don't want to face anyone right now, especially not Sam. But then you hear his voice, filled with concern, and you know that you can't ignore him.

"Y/N? What's going on?" Sam's voice is soft, gentle, but it only makes you feel worse. You can't bring yourself to look at him, to see the pity in his eyes.

“God, Y/N. You need to stop drowning yourself in this shit.” He was disappointed. The guilt felt like a hot shower going down your back.

You take another shot of whiskey, hoping that it will numb the pain. But it only makes things worse, the room spinning faster as the alcohol takes hold.

"Y/N, please talk to me," Sam pleads, taking a step closer. "What's wrong?"

You shake your head, the tears flowing freely down your cheeks. You can't tell him the truth, can't bear to face the possibility of rejection. So you just keep drinking, hoping that it will make the pain go away.

He thinks you’re hopeless, dirty, immature. He’s right. You need to get over him.

Dean steps forward, his expression concerned. "Y/N, come on, talk to us. We're here for you."

But you can't bring yourself to say anything, to tell them how you feel. All you can do is cry and drink, lost in the darkness of your own thoughts.

As the night wears on, Sam and Dean had made their way to their beds, giving up at cracking your numb mind.

You become more and more lost in your own pain, the alcohol making it hard to think clearly. You don't remember much after that, just a blur of tears and alcohol and pain.

In the morning, you wake up with a pounding headache and a heavy heart. You know that you'll have to face Sam and Dean, to try and explain what happened. But you also know that nothing will ever be the same again. You'll always love Sam, but he'll never feel the same way about you. And that knowledge is the hardest thing of all.

#supernatural #spn #sam winchester x reader #sam winchester #sam winchester angst #sam winchester x plus size reader #sam winchester x fem!reader #sam winchester x y/n #sam winchester x you #sam winchester x female reader

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dukesmebby · 1 year

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sunshine

a/n: i am sorry if this is silly (actually im not i want this so bad) but i could not stop thinking abt it till it turned into this! heheh WC: 0.9 k (CW: mentions of asshole parents, one (1) mention of eating habits, lmk if theres anything else bc i think the rest is just fluff)

You put the car in park in front of the empty trailer and just sat there for what felt like hours before you could even begin to gather your things and head inside.

good thing he’s not home yet, you thought. Your resolve would completely crumble if Eddie were here to see you like this. You were supposed to be his sunshine, his sweet, happy girl. Currently, you just felt numb, drained of everything you had. There was no sunshine left, it was all rain clouds and thunderstorms tonight. You were a little bit disappointed in yourself if you were being honest. Normally, you could get a grip and stop yourself from slipping under. Just ignore the harsh comments and move on.

You were supposed to be able to keep yourself from slipping.

This feels like more than a slip though, more like drowning. Like your body is giving out after treading water for far too long and you were not equipped with a life vest.

It was like you were on autopilot.

Get out of the car. Lock it.

Get inside. Lock the door.

Put your stuff down.

Kick off your shoes.

Shower. Change.

You know how sometimes when you’re driving you get to your destination and think how in the hell did I make it here alive? I don't even remember the drive. That’s how it felt once you were changed into one of Eddie’s t-shirts and some new panties. You don't remember getting here but here you are. You didn’t even bother to brush out your wet hair before crawling into bed finally letting yourself feel.

It was heartbreaking. To not be good enough for them, to not be as important to your familiy as their social status. Your looks and the way you made them look was always going to be more important to them than just, you.

The first tear came and you started to let it all out. Shaking sobs wracked through your body and it felt like it wouldn’t ever stop.

Your cries were so loud you didn’t even hear him get in. With your back turned away from the bedroom doorway you didn't see him either.

He stood open-mouthed at the doorway for all of three seconds trying to figure out what was going on before another wretched sob came out of your mouth and he had to step forward.

“Hey, hey, love, what’s going on? It’s alright sweetheart. I’m here now.”

Startled by his sweet presence you stared at him in shock for a few seconds before breaking down again. Now you’re letting him down too, by being upset in the first place.

He had moved to sit on your side of the bed now and draped his arms around you. All you could see was him. All you could smell was him. All you could feel was him. He helped you calm down a bit. You were still hiccuping through tears but at least you weren’t choking on sobs anymore.

“Sweetheart what’s going on, huh? You hurt?”

You looked up at him with sad, wet eyes and shook your head at him.

“What’s going on then, huh? What happened to my sunshine?”

A pang of hurt struck through your heart at that.

You were supposed to be his sunshine.

“I'm sorry baby. i know-“

“You don’t have anything you need to be sorry for, I just want to know what’s making my girl sad” he interrupted, while giving you those eyes that could turn you into a puddle then and there.

“Please don’t be mad but i just, i went and talked to my parents but they are just so mean. It was the same old spiel they always gave. They went on and on about how I'm not doing enough here at the house and how I need to be working more and then mom would not shut up about the fact that I went back for seconds-”

He grabbed your face in his big hands and squished your cheeks so your lips puffed out before you could say anything else. It took a second for your brain to catch up and look him in the eyes.

“Baby, hey” he cooed. “Nothing they say about you or who you are is true. I’m not mad at you, I could never be mad at you for trying with them, it just makes me sad to see you so upset, love.” You simply replied with a nod.

He notices your damp hair, and lets out a small giggle, “Didn’t even finish getting ready for bed, my sweet thing.”

You let out a shaky laugh and shook your head at him in agreement. He took your hand and pulled you over to the bathroom, making sure to grab the hairbrush and an elastic out of the drawer. He stood behind you and brushed out your hair. Making goofy faces at you in the mirror, trying (and definitely not failing) to cheer you up. Before he was finished with your hair you turned around into him and gave him a hug so tight he thought his heart might just burst.

“thank you, eds. i love you” you mumbled into his chest.

“I love you too, sweets. let’s finish getting you ready for bed”

He turned you back around after placing a kiss to your forehead and brushed through your hair again. He split it into 3 sections and braided it down your back for you. By the time he was done you were as smiley as ever after making faces at each other the whole time.

You sat on the lid of the toilet while he showered before the two of you were able to crawl into bed together. You snuggled into his welcoming arms and that was when you realized he was your life vest. He kept you from slipping.

“I love you so much, Ed's. Sleep tight baby”

You were asleep before you could hear his response.

“Sleep tight, my sunshine, I love you. ”

#i just know he would be so soft and kind and sweet on ya #eddie munson #eddie x reader #eddie munson x fem!reader fluff #kk..writes?

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darkestspring · 1 year

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It’s been a while since I spammed you so here’s some angst bc I’m on my period and sad. Sweet wife goes into labour three months before she was supposed to, and Maegor and Visenya are not in the castle. By the time Maegor rushes in the room, he’s faced with his wife’s maids in tears as she weeps on the floor, cradling a baby much too small, much too silent. As soon as he’s by her side, wrapping his arm around her, he sees their baby, a tiny boy who’s covered in scales, with what he thinks are wings sticking from his back. It finally hits him that their baby is dead, he feels his own eyes starting to water as he holds them both close.

He doesn’t know how long they’ve been there, crying on the floor, mourning for the child they never got to meet. Only when Visenya gently rubs his shoulder, he realises it must’ve been hours. He didn’t even hear her come in. While he starts to compose himself, his poor darling is inconsolable. Maegor thinks the sight of his beloved wife, in her bloody shift, weeping over their baby, will be burned into his mind forever. He vows to never leave her side again. He can never let her go through this pain alone. Somehow, they get up, Visenya helping them all the way, preparing the babe for a Valyrian funeral. He helps his wife bathe, both of them deathly silent, as if no words can come out. The sight of his usually happy and cheery wife, now struggling to keep herself from falling apart in front of their children, breaks him in a way he never knew was possible. And their children, oh their poor children, still too young to understand death and why their mother was weeping and why Balerion was roaring with a sorrow they’ve never heard from a dragon before and why their father, who they didn’t think was even able to cry, had a few tears on his cheeks. With his arm around his wife, who could barely stand on her own, he took in a shaky breath, before a stern “Dracarys”, squeezing his wife’s shoulder, and then fully embracing her. Even Visenya was moved to tears, as she held onto her grandchildren protectively.

That night Maegor helps her undress, rubbing her arms gently to soothe her.

“I just feel so much sadness that I’m just numb. This doesn’t feel real, it’s like a bad dream that I know I cannot wake up from.” her soft voice now hoarse from all the crying. “And what do we say to the children? Maegor, would they understand? They’re still so young, I- I’m not sure what to say.” she sighs and falls into his warm embrace.

“Mother has heard of this happening before, a dragon birth, but they’re extremely rare, so most believe it to be legend. It runs in the lines of dragon lords, my love, it’s- it’s my fault.” his voice almost cracks. “I should’ve never left your side, not even for an hour, I’m so sorry you had to go through this all alone. I wish I could take all the pain from you, to go through it so you wouldn’t have to. I’m so sorry.” he whispers, holding her even closer in a tight embrace.

“How could you have known Maegor? We’ve had six healthy children that all came a bit late, you couldn’t have known this time the babe would come early. I wouldn’t have thought it either. I don’t blame you for performing your duties in the kingdom, or for this. Not for a second.” she leans back to look at him, placing her small hands on his face. “I do wish you were next to me, but you were there as soon as you could, when I needed you most.” she said softly, wiping the tears he did not notice he was shedding, before placing a kiss on his lips.

They stay like that for a while, in each other’s embrace, exhausted from the terrible day. It’s her voice that breaks the silence.

“I think we should talk to them together. Tomorrow?” she asks, earning a nod.

“Of course, my love.” he says, placing a kiss on her temple.

She let out a deep sigh full of sorrow.

“I’ve always known we had to have the difficult conversations with them, but I never thought… not this soon… not like this… not their brother…” she felt her husband’s strong arms pull her into his comforting embrace, rubbing the back of her head. “Our baby Maegor… our poor baby… I- I didn’t even hear him cry, or feel him move…” she felt hot tears starting to escape her eyes, and she let them. “It was unlike the others, it was like I was on fire from the inside, like he was clawing to come out of me, but- but when he did… he wasn’t moving Maegor. He was so still. He was too quiet!” she couldn’t restrain her sobs.

Maegor could only hold her. He wished with all his heart to take the pain away from her, but it was impossible. The grief they were feeling couldn’t be suppressed, or stopped. They had to go through this together. Through all the pain. Just the thought that she had to go through it without him there next to her, to hold her, to comfort her, filled him with a rage he never felt before. He wanted to scream, to fight, to tear whoever caused this hurt to his love apart. But how do you kill a curse that ran through his veins? One that he gave to her to bear? One that took his son away?

At some point they fell asleep, still in each other’s arms, clinging onto one another for dear life. Maegor opened his eyes when he felt the sun graze his face. He could see his wife was already awake, an absent minded expression in her eyes, while she looked up at the ceiling, but mostly at nothing. They had another long day ahead of them, but as long as they had each other, they could face it. Together. 🍼

why would you make me cry like this? im trying to eat my cake in peace!!!!

#🍼anon

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dorkwithfeelings · 2 years

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begging screaming crying sobbing and pleading for dylan and ryan content

literally anything cute and fluffy or like,,, them during the aftermath of it all, reuniting w/each other, bc the quarry didn't show us the characters interact with each other after everything ended so now i have No Closure and i desperately crave it

i need it like i need air

I'm so excited for my first request ahhh-- I just hope it doesn't disappoint! I agree with the no closure, not just with these two but also with everyone else! Looks like us fans have to do all the hard work ourselves. Anyways, I hope you can enjoy this little piece! I poured my heart into it <3

DISCLAIMER - This is by no means beta read, but I did my best!

Title: A Little Closure (totally not because I didn't know what else to call it)

Summary: Dylan and Ryan take a moment to reflect while waiting for the cops to arrive.

Pairing: Dylan x Ryan

Word Count: 768

Genre: Fluff...?

Warnings: Some swearing and mentions of injury.

Whispers of the morning breeze mingled with the song of waking birds in the air around the otherwise quiet group of trauma-ridden camp counselors. They’d survived the night by the skin of their teeth, but what else would they have to fight? The cops would be involved, the public would find out about everything and that all boiled down to one question. Who in the world was going to believe anything they’d say? It was bittersweet to think that their battle was only just starting.

Dylan perched his butt on one of the bottom few steps that led up to the lodge entrance, running scabby fingers through his sweat-soaked, blood-crusted hair. To say he felt gross would be a massive understatement. He was filthy and in so much pain. The stump where his other hand once was throbbed, bandages grimy and in desperate need of changing. It had been easy to forget the stump throughout the night, always having something else to worry about in its place.

Everything was all a teeny bit fucked up.

“That was one heck of a rough night, huh?” Came Ryan’s voice, tone soft and a little gravelly. Dylan looked up at him, having been so distracted he’d not noticed him approaching. He shrugged, lips forming a lop-sided smile, nothing short of exhausted.

“Oh, you think?” Dylan questioned, trying to pull off his usual humor. “I thought it was a breeze. Probably had worse nights, honestly.”

“Worse than getting your hand cut off?” Ryan arched a brow, crossing his arms.

“Pfft, a minor inconvenience.”

Engulfed by silence, each boy let out a sigh. Ryan sat down beside Dylan, leaving a small gap between them.

After allowing the silence to hang for a moment, Ryan spoke up again. “It’s alright to show emotion, y’know?”

Huffing through his nose, Dylan propped his elbows on his thighs and looked at Ryan, chin resting in his one remaining hand.

“I think all genuine emotion has been sucked out of me right now, so I’m overcompensating with supreme sarcasm.” There was no other way for Dylan to put it. He felt numb, for the most part. “I’m sure it’ll all hit me for real soon, then I’ll end up breaking down and sobbing, all that jazz.” His tone was dry, holding very little of his usual witty charm.

“That doesn’t sound pleasant. Like, at all.” Ryan remarked.

“Well, sometimes life isn’t pleasant,” Dylan replied.

Ryan didn’t like seeing him this way. It made his gut churn. Dylan was so full of life before the shit hit the fan last night, bad jokes coming out one after another, presence alone enough

to keep the good vibes afloat.

“We’ve got a long road ahead, man.” It was Dylan breaking the silence once again. “When the police and medics get here, they’re gonna be asking questions… I’ve gotta somehow convince them that I asked you to cut my hand off, because I was munched on by a werewolf.”

Ryan pulled a face that perfectly represented ‘oh fuck’, because oh fuck. He’’d been so caught up in making it out alive that he hadn’t realized until now just how much convincing they were going to have to do. The same probably went for the others too.

“You see, officer, I screamed at my friend here to cut off my hand because a creature of myth busted through the radio hut roof and mauled on my wrist.” Dylan recited to the air, Ryan watching and knowing they were probably going to get hauled off somewhere for psychiatric therapy.

It felt like the whole world was about to declare war against them, and that they were destined to lose.

But if one thing was for sure, it was that Ryan would not let Dylan lose all hope in this situation. They still had to get to know each other better, after all. There was a kiss that Ryan intended to follow up on, and while now wasn’t really the right time, he was sure one would come along.

Putting his hand on Dylan’s shoulder, Ryan gave an encouraging squeeze. “You’re not alone in all this. I got your back, through thick and thin.”

And there it was. Dylan’s ever vibrant smile shining through for the first time since truth or dare at the firepit, paired with a little glimmer of surprise in his eyes.

“It’s cool to have your back,” He chimed, slowly arching a brow too. “But can I have your number too?”

And as the dull rumbling of police vehicles pulling in towards the lodge grew closer, Ryan rolled his eyes.

"Smooth."

#dylan lenivy #ryan erzahler #the quarry dylan #the quarry ryan #dylan x ryan #the quarry #supermassive games

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urlocalmentallyunstablegal · 8 months

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long rant incoming, i’ll be talking abt therapy, ed relapse mainly (i may get side tracked lol) really just talking to myself publicly.

so, my therapist is taking a break and i haven’t seen her since last month. she told me to text her if i need support or if i’m in crisis but we all know i’m not gonna do it bc i don’t wanna bother her. last month i managed to reach 3 months without counting calories and stepping on the scale. honestly i was so proud of myself for this. ofc i gained weight but i was finally healthier, i was not just a shell of a human being. i was actually alive. but since i stopped restricting my anxiety become terrible to the point where i can’t go out by myself without headphones. i started getting more frequent panic attacks (which are honestly both physically and mentally draining). i feel like im trapped in a cycle - i manage my depression and anxiety, then i relapse in my ed, i work on my ed, my anxiety gets worse, i use all kinds of relief techniques, nothing helps, so i relapse again to numb my emotions. the day of my last therapy session i had to go to my hometown bc we had to do some renovations for the apartment we’re giving out for rent. we had to stay in a family friend’s house. i love her but she’s just so insensitive to me and my struggles. like she’d constantly say things like “oh your hygiene is terrible” “oh are you really eating this”. of course she had to make comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight, she also asked what happened with the diets i was doing. while we were there we met with my dad’s aunt and she also made comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight. and the thing is i was having pretty bad time with my body without all these comments from my relatives. i genuinely felt so uncomfortable about the weight gain. the day after we got back home i relapsed. i’m counting calories again, i’m avoiding high cal foods, fear foods start to appear again. i was in denial about my relapse but now i have to admit it - i’m relapsing and i hate myself even more. i genuinely feel like i’m such a failure. i’ve spent over 2 years in therapy and it’s all the same cycle over and over. i’m forever grateful for my current therapist bc she saved me from the darkest times of my life. i was actively suicidal and she was the only one who agreed to work with me despite my resistance to get better. i don’t remember much of this time period but she has told me that she was worrying about me in between sessions and every time i was 5 mins late she thought of the worse situation possible. anyways. now i just feel like i’m wasting my time and her time. what am i even doing? will things ever get better? and the thing is i want to recover at some point. this lifestyle is not sustainable. the health complications are not a joke. i’ve ruined so many relationships bc of my mental illness. i’m missing out on so many things. but i’m just terrified of letting it all go. i can’t deal with the weight gain. i can’t deal with all the emotions. what’s the point of even trying to recover when i’ll always end up in the exact same shitty situation?

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discountdyke · 4 months

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so the thing is that after thanksgiving I realized I seriously can't go back to my parents without addressing all of the abuse. I figured this would happen at some point, but I didn't realize it would be so soon. wrote out some very long letters to both parents, both revealing and acknowledging secrets about the abuse and looking for a way forward. put the letters in the mail tuesday evening and I've heard nothing about it from my parents so far.

somehow, I felt okay with all of this, and I still sort of do. I thought I would break down and seriously lose function but i just...haven't. I definitely feel depressed, but I don't feel like the whole world is crashing down. I feel like I can survive this without completely losing control, and that feels so wrong? shouldn't I be sobbing all day? that's how I was living in their house. and I have been grieving so much the past year or so for the childhood and parents I deserved but never had.

but what seriously sucks is that I'm basically unemployed bc I have a church gig that's about 4 hours a week. which is like, cool I'm getting some money, but it's not keep my occupied for part of the day. I need to get back into a practice routine which I honestly haven't really had for the past 3 years.

I'm sick of going thru the motions of trying to distract myself. I'm tired of trying to mark things off the list when I still feel so numb and tired. I dont want to think about how things will get better, I just want to sit in my pain. but if I don't check off enough things then I feel horrible about myself and my life. I define so much of myself on productivity so not having a job at all makes that kinda difficult when I'm depressed.

and just when I was getting my footing with all of this, new horrific memories popped up. they just absolutely can't be real, and yet I know in my heart they must be. that's part of this process. that's what happens when u were forced to split into pieces as a toddler. but why now? why is there more? how can there be anything more devastating than what I learned last year? and if that can be true, what else will I find? when will I actually be done with this?

and of course I feel ashamed bc I feel like my flashbacks aren't real (they are) and I feel like I can't grieve my parents when they're alive and my gfs dad just died (even though there is no monopoly on grief) and I feel incredibly guilty for "being mean" to my parents (who inflicted horrific trauma) and for making my gf worry (bc she cares about me). I hate that so much of my brain operates on shame. feels like I can't do anything now without being ashamed of myself somehow.

and I never liked christmas but this really is a bad time of year to confront your parents about 20 years of abuse bc everyone else is spending time with their families. thank fucking god I start the conversion process in few months and also that elise and I got to spend hannukah together so we had a holiday in that way. I just wish the entire world wasn't crashing around me while I lay depressed and dissociated from it all in bed.

#talking tag #i cry for like 10 minutes each day and I feel numb or anxious the rest of the time #it sucks so bad. and it's fucking nighttime at 5pm every day so that's REALLY not helping lmao

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protegetapaix · 7 months

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4/10/23

1.20pm - morning,i woke up with puffy eyes,ikutkan hati nak duduk rumah nangis je but okaylah kuatkan diri,i deserve this trip. Im sti angry,hurt. I feel like you chose this trip over me by not even coming for me while youre still here. But part of me understands why ypu want it so bad,just that you couldnt understand on my end that,i let you go on the trip,but at that exact moment my emotions took over me my overthinking god. and you didnt came for me,you didnt understood me. im sorry for the hurtful words i said,but on my end i can still be angry,because you didnt came for me,you always do,you promised the lasy fallout we had would be the last where you didnt come for me.In the end i still came for you,i waited hours. I have to shower now bye

2.34pm - i reach jb alr sayang,so funny i uldated the gc i alr at checkpoint and they wtf and insisted to follow,tbh idw them fllw bcs got nad n ipan gf but im like wtv,part of me also thought if they came maybe youd come at night but my bad your bus is the next morning..

2.54pm - baru lepas custom sg now in bus to go jb

3.18pm - baru lepas custom jb now changing money den grab to sogo,our fav place

3.35pm - i reached sogo and bought my contact lenses alr rm500 worth of it wtfwtf hahahahah. I miss you

3.45pm - im at popular now to buy stationaries for my book hehe

4.33pm - idk how long i spent in there but damn i was pretty long your friends all waiting for me alr but idc. I didnt know which colours were nice,if you were here youd probably knew which one suits me right.. but i bought the rare beauty blusher ive always wanted and their lipstick too,i picked a pinkish shade smth i would nvr go for but the pink is quite subtle,cant waitt to show you hehe hopefully.

4.44pm - eventho da lambat.. i bought coffee HAHHAAHHAHA the one we bought at angsana but i bought the spanish latte yumyum

9.19pm - we reached the ikan bakar olace alr,the whole time we always infer about you here and there wishing you were here and allsz mostly me eh,cfm they annoyed sia lowkey but we hoping can come w youu.

Also ipan gf syirah spill sm tea sia.. even about nad…. HAHAHAHAHAHA

11.23pm - ok we at pasar karat now

1.13am - ok we home bebs i bought so much thrift shirt and i even bought for afiya n dania bubble bubblleee gun sehhhh HAHAHAH cant wait to show u,i walk around alone while they see see here there hehe healing siot

1.30am ok now i just at balcony smoking they karaoke all

1.50am im with them kat sofa they singing sad songs for me cb we even recorded a vid for u so u can watch when we go here tht next time. Why never see this airbnb sooner seh cfm fun sia with jusy you got board games ,karaoke projector all ohmyyy cant waitbfor your bday also seh

6/10/23

12.20am - im finally in sg sayang,my heart felt so heavy otw home knowing when i reach home i would break down god i miss you my amsyar

1.11am - i reached home idk what time im sorry for not updating,but i cleaned my thrash all to keep my mind off things,you specifically. Yet i still cried when i did all that.

3.28am - i love how im dking this,helps me cope seh its as though im talking to you but i have so much tea to tell you sia abiiii

11.50am - i in 187 now,i hope you enjoy your day today with your friends,jangan buat bukan2… i had major diarrhea jn damn and i also asked rusyd for off alr.

4.16 - i ended break already,i ate tangled hehehehe ok ttyl

8.48pm- I was smoking when she textsd me ,you broke my fucking heart. My love and trust for you. I ended things off with mama papa for real already,they kept asking convincing my heart couldnt take it in anymore i felt so numb till they just said,sarah sayang amsyar kan ? Sabar lah sikit ,sikit je insyaallah. I just teared and gave my salam and ended. I felt so bad they had so much more to say they kept saying eh eh dengar ni hahahaha,my heart cant.

i hope it was worth it my amsyar :)

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brianyololau · 2 years

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9/7/22

So I failed my clinical. Professor failed me bc I didn’t turn in one nursing process worksheet on time. What a bitch. Thinking about her makes me contempt due to the fact that she held me back 6 months because of an assignment worth zero points that she could’ve accepted if she wanted to. Literally all of my previous professors didn’t care if the worksheets were late. This is worse than failing because I bombed my final. At least I could take it with some dignity knowing that it was my own lack of studying. This npw is a bruh moment for the professor, dean, and school. Fuck west coast. professor bejar deserves no respect. If this was her family member she would’ve seen it differently. Still need my degree doe.

The 2 weeks following the day I failed was rough. I forced myself to gym because I would’ve sulked about it at home. I worked out so hard I thought I almost puked. I remember hurting so bad I kept doing more sets to numb the pain and found myself looking up to the ceiling the day she failed me. For the rest of that week leading up to the grade appeal decision, I was working out w a different energy. Supersets became a normal part of my routine, and I spent 2-3 hrs at the gym. On one day, I spent 4 hrs due to the fact that I just didn’t wanna deal with the bullshit of the grade appeal yet.

Now that I’m on week 3 of this term, I feel more stable with my future again. Finals week and week 1, I just wanted to climb mt Everest if that’s what it took to get through the appeal process. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out.

During finals week, I had an incident with a nursing student which is a long story for later.

My goal for this post was to unravel how the interaction with my mom went after the appeal. The whole decision is something I came to accept even though it sucks, but how my mom reacted to it was much worse. This interaction actually happened on her birthday, and I completely forgot about it since I was so caught up with the grade appeal process. She and I came home at the same time that day, and she called me out for forgetting. I felt bad, so I offered to take her out to eat. She said never mind that, but what’s going on with the appeal?

I told her it’s a decision that I can’t change anymore, and I’d just have to move on. I told her I was gonna apply for 2 part time jobs in the meantime, and continue studying with my friends so that I could be twice as prepared moving forward.

She thought it was a good plan, and asked if I’ve applied to any places yet.

I said no. I think I need a few weeks to take a break before I start working because I was getting mentally drained and exhausted from everything I’ve had to deal with in nursing so far.

She immediately countered and said why can’t I work? I’m still in my early 20s while other people my are working their asses off making money. Yet, I’m not even done with school and saying I need a break.

When I heard that, I felt a mixture of shock and disappointment. I was shocked because of the lack of compassion my mom had by choosing to say that after I told her I was mentally tired. I was also disappointed because I secretly knew that that type of response was something to expect. I almost saw it coming beforehand but didn’t expect her to be so degrading. This was the first time where I couldn’t accept it anymore, and I repeated myself to her that I was tired, that I don’t feel happy, that I don’t know how to feel happy right now. I told her whenever I’m home, I don’t feel happy. I’m not going to pretend like everything’s okay at home. I complained that mom always has a temper, and is quick to give derogatory statements which makes me not want to talk to her. Grandma and grandpa are basically strangers. She’s sleeping in the living room, and grandpa treats her with no respect. Grandma accepts his treatment too which enables his behavior even more. Chu quy and her are the least romantic couple I’ve ever seen, and they don’t do things for fun together. I can’t pretend like this family is a happy family and that everything’s perfect at home. It’s not, and anyone who says otherwise is full of shit. Im annoyed saying this because I told grandpa one time that I was sad that he talks to grandma with no respect as if they she wasn’t his partner. He denied it saying they’re a loving couple who are lucky to have been together for this long. I thought his response was bullshit. They’ve been arguing with each other since I was a little kid and even went around the family telling everyone they were no longer husband and wife but acquaintances. That didn’t age well. That’s the one quality I hate: being in denial. This household is extremely good at that and suppressing conflicts as if pretending the problem isn’t there is going to do any good. Putting the problem aside and hoping it will just get washed away with the other million problems pushed aside doesn’t quite help either. If you really wanted to fix those problems, you would address them head on and do it together. That’s what makes a team. That’s what keeps a family.

Back to the story. I told her I don’t feel happy in life. She said of course you don’t feel happy with your life. You failed a class. That was your fault. Just retake the class later on, and don’t make the same mistake again. Then, she started talking about her experience at work. She said that she hates herself sometimes because she’s not good at english. Her bosses are fluent and get to work normal 9-5 jobs, but she gets paid by the clock. She has to leave for work at 3:30 am and doesn’t get home until 3/4. She said if she knew English, she wouldn’t have to live this kind of life, and she doesn’t want me to go through what she does.

I asked her that if she hates herself for that, then how can she be content with herself? She denied that she was unhappy and then proceeded to say that’s just life. Sometimes, there are things that suck, and you just have to deal with it.

Her answer didn’t seem have logic to me. How can you say you’re happy when you hate yourself at work and you think life sucks a lot? I told her I don’t believe life has to be that way because I know poor friends whose household is happy. She said that I don’t know that. They could be happy on the outside but self destructing on the inside. I told her I see it in the way my friends talk about their family at home. I can’t say the same. She repeated the same accusation. I asked her, if this is the case, then is every poor family doomed to have a terrible life? Poor people can’t be happy? She said not necessarily, but their life is already doomed to suck. I asked her if I gave her 4 million dollars and died right now, would she be happy then? She said no. I asked her why. She said because I wouldn’t have you. I said that if family is more valuable than money, then why am I not happy at home?

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introloves · 4 years

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Aone having a FAT crush on a tiny quiet barista at his new favorite cafe, they’ve memorized his order and even makes sure to keep his favorite seat open every morning for him- maybe they go to his school too but they never really talk? They kinda smile at him and wave in the hallways but never talk?

THIS IS SO CUTEEEE!!!!! nd bc im me i turned it into smut :( sowwy

— first times + big dick aone, embarrassed abt his size + size kink + brief summary of aone x reader’s relationship before we get to the smut + hard smut towards the end + f! reader

he wouldn’t say anything, he couldn’t say anything but you’d know by the way he he’s always mumbling when he gets to the counter, eyes shying away from your own, hands shaky everytime he’d hand you money, 2.25, every morning for his favorite cup of tea.

it’d always take you a couple seconds to put yourself back together, your own shaky hands tenaciously putting together his drink, perhaps making it with extra care.

he’d usually come alone, but on rare days there’d be a couple other faces. one in particular with brown sleek hair, would push him to mumble out words other than, ‘thank you’.

the teasing laughter and bright red coloring to his face was a dead giveaway. you’d only mess with your friends like this if there was crushing involved.

it’d make you burn up at the thought that he had a crush on you, he’s so big and intimidating and at first you’d have your guard up everytime he stepped inside, a looming presence not hard to notice.

but as the days went by, you’d see how much care he’d put into things. he’d take time to clean up his booth, make sure to recycle his cup, and always shyly nod his head towards you in a silent goodbye. on days where he feels especially brave, aone leaves a flower, one that he thinks most closely resembles your beauty.

on those days, when its your turn to clean the tables and you see a single, delicately picked flower, your heart thumps loudly in your chest.

you’d started falling for him before long.

and of course the dating starts shortly after.

you swear you’ve never felt love before him. he’s everything you needed, a nice security in an otherwise tumultuous and very scary world.

he holds you with arms that are twice as thick as yours, could squeeze you tight enough to hurt so very easy, but instead cradles you to sleep with so much care.

hands that work tirelessly, calloused, veiny and wide touch your face with a delicacy that doesn’t come naturally to someone of his size. he works at it, works at making sure he’s careful.

and you appreciate it, you do, but when you see him open jars for you with ease, reach over your head to pluck whatever you need from the top of shelves in stores, pick you up with no groan or strain, it makes your mind wander.

everything with him is so easy, so you don’t know why, when you’re slick between the thighs, throbbing with want for him, he makes it so hard.

he refuses your advances, pulls you off with a sad smile and jumbled words of,

“he’s not ready.” when you can clearly see he’s hard behind his pants.

it makes you cry, wondering if you’re not good enough. was the flustered flirting, kisses, and confession all just a big joke?

your tears break him, he hurriedly explains that it’s him. he won’t hurt you, can’t, refuses to.

“what are you talking about.” you hiccup, whipping away the tears.

“i just...” he sighs, running a palm down his face.

“i’m too big.”

your jaw nearly drops at that. the heat of embarrassment and lick of something hotter burns at your neck and tummy.

you’ve never heard or seen a man shy away because of his size, usually they boast and brag and have very little to boast and brag about.

you tell him it doesn’t matter, you want him. eyes wide and pleading, hoping he doesn’t shy away because you want him so bad.

his resolution is broken, he’s attracted to you after all. but you’re so small, so cute and plush and curvy in all the places he wants to sink his fingers into.

“i’ll be gentle.” he thinks when he finally grabs you, pulling you onto his lap.

he doesn’t miss the way your mouth shuts closed when you feel him, hips giving a small push against him to make sure you aren’t imagining him like this.

the kissing starts, fevered lips painting eachother in spit, shy moans leave the both of you.

foreplay is skipped, you’ve both held back long enough, and you wouldn’t let him anyways.

“not a good idea.” aone mumbles, but you don’t listen. you want him now.

one again you push at his weak spots, everything he does, he does to please you. but you make it seem that it’s quite the opposite, you want what he wants.

and aone is anything but an aroused man with a cute, soft, tiny girlfriend beneath him.

the first meeting of his cockhead against your leaking, twitching hole has him clench his teeth, hand placed heavy over your tummy to still your hips.

“it’s going to hurt.” he reminds you, but you still don’t care.

“i want you.” you breathe, it makes him hiss.

there were many steps you’d both taken together to get where you were.

from the first time he saw you at the café, bustling around with a smile that tugged at his heart, to a couple minutes ago, when you panted wantonly into his ear about how much you fantasized of him burying himself in you to the hilt, watching your eyes roll back as he pushes in is his favorite so far.

he’s not that expirienced, but knows that the growing wetness dripping onto his thighs with every squelch of your pussy as he sinks in is a good sign.

“g-god. nobu, you’re so big.” you chant.

he knows, he warned you.

but it’s not a bad thing, he thinks, because with just a few pumps in, the stretch he gives you, along with hips brushing against your clit, you’re already creaming around him.

he doesn’t blink the whole time you do, zeroed in on the shake of your thighs, fat squishing him against you, pussy equally trying to milk him of his own.

he thinks the best thing to do is to stay still and wait until you’re okay.

aone knows you are when the talk starts back up.

you can see the sweat glisten against his chest, you know he’s holding back, giving you shy thrusts once more.

it’s good, the same shy, tentative thrusts just made you cum so hard you couldn’t hear for a second, but there’s a hint of raw power he’s holding back.

“takanobu.” you call to him with a shaky voice.

he responds with a worried glance.

“use me.”

he looks at you in disbelief,

“n-no. i’ll hurt you.”

your hips rut, swiveling around the very hard cock of him in absolute desperation.

“i want you to hurt me.” you say. and he sees red.

there’s a tinge of fear at the hardened gaze he gives you, he moves you with an ease, making a show to grab your hips in both hands, lifting you off the bed as he kneels down.

he does as he’s told, moving you how he wants, impaling you down on his big cock over and over, watching the soft parts of you jiggle with the intensity of it, meeting the fat of your ass and thighs with harsh slaps. he digs already darkening splotches the shape of his nails into you.

you can do nothing but scream, trying to hold on to the bed so you don’t slam into the creaking headboard. but you don’t really have to worry, even now he makes sure to keep you from moving away from his pounding.

you can’t feel your legs with the second orgasm that takes you, knees lock and pussy once again creaming all over him while he drills into you.

this is what you wanted, your own pleasure being driven by aone. just like everything else, he makes sure to take care of you so good, your cunt numb and fucked open by the time he’s done.

he pulls out to cum all over your pussy, there’s so much.

he finally comes back to you with a noise that sounds apologetic.

“i’m sor-“ you cut him off before he can say anything, grabbing his face in both hands with shaky arms thanks to him.

“don’t.” you begin, telling him that it’s okay to not be careful, something he’s always been.

you let him know that with you, he doesn’t have to tip toe, that in the safety the two of your shared, he was free to do everything those who didn’t know him whispered about him. he was allowed to be mean, allowed to use those muscles he’s built, allowed to be scary.

finishing with a kiss to his lips,

you’ve loved him since he left you flowers at work, and you’d still love him even after drilling your pussy into submission.

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hangovercurse · 3 years

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I’d Drop it All for You

Pictures of you and Pete are spread all over the internet, causing a whirlwind of hate to enter your social media.

Request: “Pete content please! anything !!! smut fluff whatever”

Pete x Reader

Warnings: Cursing, depictions of depression and anxiety

A/N: *Insert normal spiel about respecting A.G. and only using her for plot purposes. No harm intended.* Also I wrote most of this after a meeting with my therapist so... enjoy :) (He’s so cute in this gif I wanna kiss his face)

Word Count: 1820

You weren’t one of those people who loved being the center of attention. You knew that being in the spotlight also meant constantly living under a microscope, and you decided a long time ago that that was not for you.

But you were lucky enough to work as an assistant art director at just 24. You were hoping that The King of Staten Island, your newest project, would help get your name out into the professional world. But that wasn’t the only thing to come out of the film.

It happened unexpectedly, you showed up on set the first day, ready to do whatever the art director required of you. You couldn’t help but be slightly distracted by the lead actor and writer, Pete Davidson. He was so kind and funny, and he wasn’t uptight like everyone else.

After a few hours of filming, he came up to you, introducing himself. He said he “wanted to get to know everyone working on the project,” but you didn’t see him introducing himself to anyone else. You two started talking during breaks. Then he started sitting with you at lunch. Then he was asking for your number.

In a matter of weeks he was asking you out to dinner, taking you to a cozy restaurant that you absolutely adored. He walked you home, his hand grazing yours until you intertwined your fingers.

It was all very romantic, so when Pete asked if he could take you on another, you obviously said yes. Flash forward two weeks and he finally got the courage to ask you to be his girlfriend, even though you were both exclusively seeing each other already.

After filming ended 2 months later, you were still working on the film in post, which meant you had an excuse to stay in Staten Island with Pete. After about 2 weeks in post, you spent more nights in his bed than your hotel’s.

Nearly 6 months later and you were happier than ever. You were splitting your time between your small apartment in the Bronx and Pete’s basement apartment. Pete introduced you to most of his friends, and you introduced him to yours.

But other than your small circles of friends, you kept your relationship fairly quiet. Pete doesn’t have social media and yours is strictly professional, so there are no pictures of you two together. You weren’t hiding each other, you loved each other, you just had no reason to tell tabloids. And you were perfectly happy with that.

Which made it so much worse when various news sites had pictures of you two holding hands. Had they been anyone else you would’ve thought they were cute, walking along the South Beach oceanside at night.

Pete had been in the SNL studio all day when the pictures were released, while you were in his apartment, trying your best to focus on the photoset in front of you. The production team wanted the film to scream “teen romance,” which basically entails subtle pink undertones and a higher saturation. But you couldn’t quite get the coloring right, probably because you weren’t actually focusing on the colors.

You sighed, looking at the time and realizing that Pete won’t be back until sometime after 2am, which was a whole 5 hours away. You let out a huff, pushing away from the desk and making your way to Pete’s closet and searching for one of his hoodies. They always smelled like him (and weed), so it was a comfort to you.

You crashed onto the bed, finding the phone that you had tossed there a few hours earlier. Turning it on you were surprised by the number of notifications you were getting. You knew the photos had surfaced but you weren’t expecting this.

Your Instagram was blowing up with new follows, likes, and comments. It was kind of exciting at first until you started reading some of the comments.

I mean, we knew he would downgrade from Ari, but this is like… really far down.

This girl really thinks she’s special just bc Pete’s dating her. Hun he could do so much better

Who is she?!? Literally no one.

Someone needs to show her how to dress

That hairstyle is not it honey

Pete Davidson is dating YOU??? He could do sooo much better

Ari was prettier sorry not sorry

The entire comment section on your last post, a picture of you on the set of your latest film, was pretty much the same. There were some nice comments, but a lot of mean ones.

And you couldn’t help it, you couldn’t stop looking at them. It felt so cliché, but it was like all of your deepest insecurities about being with Pete were thrown out on the table.

You knew that Pete had a fairly large following, and that a lot of people had really strong feelings about him. You had expected that if and when your relationship went public you would have a lot of people watching you, scrutinizing you. But you didn’t care because Pete was worth it.

Now you weren’t so sure. It wasn’t that you couldn’t handle people talking bad about you, because you definitely could, even if it hurt. You just weren’t expecting the amount of people comparing you to Ariana or saying that Pete could do so much better.

And it only bothered you so much because you felt it too. Your inner demons loved to remind you that Pete had dated Ariana fucking Grande and now he’s dating you. Anyone could see an obvious downgrade.

You turned your phone off and threw it on the opposite side of the bed, trying to think positive thoughts. “I am in control of my own thoughts and emotions. I am catching my negative thoughts and fixing them.” You murmured your therapist’s mantra to yourself, but it was too late. The thoughts had already taken hold of your mind.

Your eyes started to water as you could feel the heavy feeling in your chest set in. You pulled the hood over your head, pulling the straps to hide as much of your face as possible, and pulling your knees to your chest. You laid like that for a while, tears falling as doubts ran through your head. Once you had effectively exhausted your thoughts, you went numb. Your tears had stopped, but you couldn’t move. This wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling, but it sure wasn’t pleasurable.

There was a sort of buzzing throughout your body, almost like the feeling when your foot falls asleep, but everywhere. It seemed to block out your sound, as you didn’t hear the basement door open. You only knew that Pete was home when he sat beside you on the bed, pulling the hood off your face.

“There’s my beautiful girl.” He smiled at you. You tried your best to fake one back, but you honestly couldn’t find the energy. Pete pulled you so you were sitting up, back pressed against his front. His arms wrapped around your middle as he pressed a kiss to your temple. “What’s goin on?” He murmured against your skin.

“Did you see them?” You asked, your voice quiet and hoarse.

Pete let out a sigh, “Yeah, I saw them.” He paused, his hold on you getting tighter, like he was making sure you couldn’t leave. “I’m sorry baby. I know you didn’t want it to be a whole big thing.”

You turned your head to face him, “It’s not that. I really don’t mind that people know. We weren’t trying to hide anything.”

He smiled, “Yeah, I know I just- it was nice having this to ourselves.”

He wanted to hide you. He’s embarrassed of you.

Your inner dialogue never seemed to shut up.

You turned away from Pete, trying to hide the tears forming in your eyes. “Yeah.” You whispered.

“What’s wrong, you’re still upset.” He rocked you in his arms, kissing the top of your head. You shrugged in response, not trusting yourself to talk. “You can talk to me, y’know.”

You nodded, leaning further into Pete’s chest. “People found my Instagram.” You murmured, looking down and tracing the arrow tattoo on his hand.

“Whaddya mean? I thought it was public?” He furrowed his eyebrows.

You sighed, wishing you hadn’t said anything. “Yeah, it is. But after all the articles people started following me and shit.”

“I would ask how that’s a problem but I deleted my Instagram so I can’t really talk.” You could tell he was trying to make you feel better, but you couldn’t seem to get out of your haze.

You shook your head, deciding to drop the matter. “It’s not, I’m just being overdramatic.” You sighed, putting on a fake smile and facing him fully. “Wanna watch a movie?” You asked, trying to change the topic.

He gave you the I-know-you’re-bullshitting-me look, which made you look down. “Something’s bothering you, Y/N. And you’re trying to pretend it doesn’t because you think your feelings aren’t valid, but they are.” He tilted his head, trying to meet your eyes that were still trained on the bedsheets below you.

“Where’d you learn that one?” You chuckled half-heartedly.

“Rehab part 2” he smiled, hand coming to your jaw to tilt your head up. “C’mon, talk to me. I wanna help.”

You huffed, moving towards the opposite side of the bed where your phone laid. You opened it, finding your Instagram, and showing him the comments. His eyebrows furrowed as he scrolled through the comments. When he decided he’d had enough he put your phone down, grabbing your waist and lifting you onto his lap so you were essentially straddling him.

He leaned his forehead against your own, your noses touching. “That’s all bullshit, you know that, right?”

You looked down, biting your lip. “Y/N you’re the most amazing, most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, okay? I’m in love with you, not anyone else.” Pete’s eyes were searching yours, trying to figure out what was going on in your head.

“I know.” You sighed, “It’s just hard to be with you and not compare myself to her. And then all these people started to do it too, and they kept saying that you could do so much better and you can. So, I dunno I guess I just kind of spiraled.”

Pete captured your lips in a long, passionate kiss. “Y/N. There is literally no better than you. I can’t do better because you are the best woman I have ever loved. “

You pulled Pete in for another kiss. “Thank you, Pete. I love you.”

“I love you too. If this happens again, I want you to call me. I don’t care what I’m doing, I’d drop it all for you.” You smiled, sitting in the arms of the guy you loved. The thoughts didn’t just magically go away, but for a brief moment in time, you were happy.

#pete davidson #pete davidson imagine #pete davidson x reader #pete davidson angst #pete davidson fluff

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barzzal · 3 years

Text

close to you

summary: there’s nothing more excruciating than to lose someone you’ve never imagined losing. but what happens when they’ve already left right before you can even acknowledge them leaving? mathew is yet to find out.

↳ pairing: mathew barzal x you

↳ warnings: falling out and break ups

↳ genre: angst.

↳ length: imagine; 1.3k

↳ masterlist: the barn

↳ track: close to you by rihanna (listen to this it’s all that there is really)

note: unsolicited barzy angst fic because i was sad and listening to rihanna, (plus you guys know how much i love angst) this is totally unplanned and written in the past hour so im sorry if there’s sum typos bc i didn’t proofread this :<< hope u still like!! feedbacks are very much appreciated! <3

You were slipping away and he knew it.

Mathew’s mind was running wild. His thoughts were coming in one after another and no matter how hard he tried to shut it out of his head — there it was again.

The cyclical pattern of his seemingly endless misery.

The thought of losing you.

Days with you were spent either in total silence, eating lunch with the television on in the hopes of drowning out the numbing noise that was now in every corner of the home you have built with Mathew; or you know, the mandatory screaming match you indulge yourselves with even over the smallest of things.

Things only escalated the more you try to talk about it. Neither of you really knew how and when it started. And neither felt the need to say a word.

All that you and Mathew did was to watch your years crumble before your own eyes. Years that got shattered with each night spent in an ice cold bed, backs facing each other, not bothering to say a word.

“What happened to us?” his voice crisp and clear even when whispering.

You feel his gaze and you begin to resent yourself for staying up so late. You see him in the corner of your eye, patiently waiting — silently pleading that you’d look his way.

You didn’t.

Instead, you close the book you were reading and take your glasses off. You sigh just as you put it on the bedside table. Mat does nothing but watch you silently, all whilst ignoring his chest growing all the more heavy each time you push him away.

You turn to him, still not meeting his eyes before you turn your night light off. You answer with a meek reply, “I’m tired, Mat.”

“Y/N.” he calls you once but it seems like it’s been hundreds of times for him. He wanted nothing else but to reach out to you — to hold you. Maybe then he’d feel less insecure. Maybe then he’d feel less afraid of facing the fact that you’re slowly fading away farther off his reach.

He knows you heard him but he doesn’t get a reply. And you know he’d be grateful to take on crumbs you’d be willing enough to spare. However, just like the other times he’s tried, your mind numbing quietude was all he had to hold onto.

You try to drift away faster into sleep for you did not want to spend the night hearing him pick out on almost every meaningless thing you’ve done for the past couple of weeks. You were just tired. Insanely tired. And Mat had very little, perhaps almost nothing to do with it. You were lost.

“Do you still love me?” you hear a catch in his throat that instantly tugged strings in your chest.

You fall silent, finding it hard to voice the words Mat had wanted to hear.

Do you still love him?

You didn’t know.

“Baby, please talk to me.” he pleads the longer he basks in your silence. Silence that Mat knew well enough to mean just one thing.

“Please.”

Finally, as if it was the nearest he’s gotten to a win, he sees you shift, turning to face him.

To say the least, you weren’t sure of how you feel towards Mathew. Being with him through all these years have been good, yes — but days weren’t always sunshine. It wasn’t always a calming afternoon walk holding each other’s hands, swaying it in the air, whilst you listen to birds chirping beautifully all year ‘round. Being with Mat came with its own sacrifices. Ones you cannot point out no matter how hard you tried and ones that just made him so hard to love.

“I’m sorry.” you murmur. You avert his gaze, keeping your eyes low on the sheets you’ve once shared wrapped around your naked bodies in search of warmth in each other’s embrace.

You never left Mat’s eyes because leaving you was the last thing he wanted to do. He hesitates to take a few strands that went astray to your face just so he could tuck it behind your ears like he always does. When you lean closer, nudging him to do just that, he feels a kindling fire in his chest. An all too familiar feeling he has deeply missed.

His touch did not make you want to pull away nor did it burn you like it used to. A sad smile creeps up his lips once you finally take the leap and look in his eyes.

“I know you are,” he says, clearing his throat. “And it’s okay. I understand.”

Mat wanted to. He truly does. He wanted to be selfish and just think about his own good. Letting you go wasn’t something he pictured doing because he knows that you know it has never crossed his mind.

Mat wanted to do everything against what willed his heart. But he knew too that letting you keep him at bay just to spare his feelings would do more damage than it could fix and he just couldn’t afford having to lose you twice. He could barely walk through this conversation now. Therefore he’s certainly sure he wouldn’t be able to handle losing you more than once.

“I think I need to figure out some things on my own.” you tell him earnestly. A thing that you’ve wanted to let out ever since coming home to Mathew felt more work than it’s worth.

“Are you gonna be gone for long?” he asks, voice thick and impending to break at any moment.

“I don’t know.” you answer with candor, an apologetic tone masking your words.

Nonetheless, no matter how much you did not want to spend the night breaking Mathew’s heart, he lets you rip one final bandage — exposing a long overdue wound that was without a doubt far from healing, “I won’t really know unless I try, right?”

“Okay.” he smiles, eyes softer than it ever was.

“I’ll be exactly where you left me.”

The night grows deeper as the two of you sink in what seems to be the hardest falling-out you’ve yet to go through. A break up that would definitely stick around Mathew’s end for he has never loved someone as much as he loved you. Perhaps, even more to put himself in the most selfless position he would willingly let himself into.

“What do we do now?” you ask, your voice low and on the brink of letting out a thick sob.

Mat takes your hand and entwines it with his. He holds you tight. He lets his forehead rest on yours, breathing out the pain that’s successfully wrenched his heart in seconds.

He pulls himself closer to you — pouring all he has left to give. Slowly, as he finally let himself pull away, he says, “We sleep.”

No matter how much you wanted to say your piece, you just could not find the words that fit. And so, you do the sanest thing you could give him, leaning closer to every bit of his touch as if the clock had only started ticking.

You see Mathew’s eyes glisten from the moonlight shining from across the room. If only you knew how bad you’re going to miss it. If only you’d appreciated it while you had the chance. If only you knew that the last thing Mat wanted was to see you right before he closed his eyes.

“Good night, y/n.” he says, still holding your hand close to his chest.

God, if you had only known those eyes will be gone the moment you open yours, you would’ve held onto his hand a bit longer. Long enough before he emptied his closet the morning after. Long enough before he had the chance to wipe out every single trace he’s left your apartment. Perhaps even long enough for you to change your mind.

#mat barzal imagine #mat barzal fanfiction #mat barzal fic #mat barzal x reader #mat barzal angst #hockey imagine #nhl imagine #hockey fic #nhl fic #barzzal imagines #letters to barzy

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hawks-stan · 3 years

Text

Voicemail | Hawks x Reader

Another one bc why not :)

Pairing: Hawks x Reader

Type: Angst

Warnings: Blood, Angst, Injury, Swearing

——=+=——

Bzz Bzz

"Hi, you reached Hawks! I'm currently unavailable, leave a voice mail after the beep!"

You sighed a small breath, his cheerful voice flooding your ear. You've called him a couple times now, but Keigo was on a mission quite a bit away from home, he's been gone a few days now, and should be due back any day now.

"Hey Kei." You pause, thinking of exactly what you wanted to say to your boyfriend, but all the words seem to escape you; there's so much you wanted to say to him, after all.

"I'm just calling to say that I love you. So freaking much, it's unreal. I know you're busy, but I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you, your voice, your hugs and your kisses. I'd love a kiss from you right now," You huffed a small laugh, doing your best to keep your voice steady, "Keigo, baby, I really wish you were here with me right now. I'm cold and could use a hug from my birdbrain." Your phone flashed with a low battery warning.

"I hope you're not getting into too much trouble on your mission, you always seem to have this sway that pisses off most people." You chuckled slightly, mostly to hide a haggard cough.

Tears started to pool in your eyes, shivers making your rattle in your place. You wanted to imagine his warm arms snaking around you, his small hums that put you to sleep in minutes, his scent engulfing you, wings shielding you from all the bad in the world.

Your voice waivered, breath coming out in small stutters, "I love you, always remember that, okay?"

You ended the voicemail reluctantly, your fingers barely working with you. The faint light from the phone illuminated the cold alleyway you were slumped against, pools of red staining your clothes and skin. Tears trained down your cheeks, barely registering as your body started to go numb, apart from the sting of your wound.

It was cold.

So cold.

You knew being a pro-hero was an occupational hazard, but you never expected to be ambushed like that, by a gang of men, men who claimed you were a fake, someone unworthy of the title of a hero.

Maybe they were right. After all, it was incredibly difficult to save everyone, impossible even. Those men, they were strong, their quirks incredibly powerful. It would've taken at least a few heroes to take them down, so when you were alone, not even in your hero outfit, it was a surprising feat to even escape like you did. You didn't even get a chance to call for backup. And now here you were, somewhere in a dark alley, bleeding to death, you've already lost so much blood. You were going to die, and yet the only thing that ran through your mind was Keigo Takami.

The two of you have been together for some time now, man you were even thinking of moving in together soon. And one day, when you both retired from hero work, you would settle down somewhere nice, maybe have a kid or two. The thought made you smile slightly, not because of the idea of kids, but how awkward Hawks was with little kids.

The idea that you won't get to do all that, makes your heart break, fresh tears spilling from your eyes. Your laboured breathing is coming out in small stutters. Not much longer now.

A lot of people wonder, what does dying feel like? Some may have answered that it's peaceful and painless. You on the other hand? You would answer that it fucking sucked. You didn't want to die, you wanted to live, to be with Keigo, to have a future together. But life had a certain way to say fuck you and shit on those dreams. It didn't care what you wanted.

You sighed slightly. You were entirely numb now, the taste gone from your mouth, and even the awful stench of the alleyway seemed to fade. Darkness creeped into your vision.

You closed your eyes, whispering a last, "I'm sorry."

---=+=---

"BREAKING NEWS: Pro-Hero (Y/H/N) found in critical condition in dark alleyway. She was found by a runner in the early hours of this morning, who immediately called for help. When the emergency services arrived, she was quickly taken to the hospital."

Hawks froze completely, staring at the TV, his heart dropping to his stomach. He quickly snapped out of it, grabbing for his phone, only to see your missed calls.

And... a voicemail.

You tried to get through to him, probably while in trouble.

He didn’t answer and now you were in hospital, god knows if you were still alive, and all alone.

Half of him didn’t want to hear the voicemail, in fear of what it could contain. Would he hear you in pain, crying? Would he hear you beg for someone to help?

Quickly shaking his head, he pressed the icon, pulling his phone to his ear. Your voice filled the suffocating silence, and as the recording went on, Hawks felt the world was crashing down around him.

He had to get back to you immediately. You had to be alive. He had to tell you how much he loved you, if it’s the last thing he did.

#takami keigo x reader #hawks x reader #hawks one shots #bnha #hawks angst #hawks x you #hawks x y/n #takami keigo #keigo #hawks #hawks mha #mha #mha keigo x reader #mha hawks x reader

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rotshop · 3 years

Text

get prankt this isn't an angst fic lol ,,

ANYWAY ,, i realized earlier that i could've just been calling 'auditor reader' employer reader this whole time and then i had a funny silly goofy little idea and now we r here,,,lol,,, ill proof read this later but i did this in one go no breaks so . help.

I might continue this later so!! consider this a sort of 'introduction' if u will,,

note ; auditor uses he / she / they pronouns in this bc ive decided im just going to push my propaganda onto all of you <333 also Hank uses he / they / xe

tw ; dissociation, dereality, some light body horror

Bloody Management

"This is out of your jurisdiction. You've wasted enough time here," you seethed dryly, staring down at the shorter being. "You've made no progress and have only proved your operation to be a strain on our relations and resources."

"Out of MY jurisdiction? YOU'VE never even been there before! You think you can just storm in and suddenly kick me out of my own work?" Auditor shot back, hands slamming down on the mahogany desk in front of her.

"Yes, actually, I do," you snapped, eyes narrowing. "I think you're forgetting just who you're speaking to. You've let this drag on for far too long and your ego has grown in tandem with its pointlessness."

Sighing, you leaned back in your chair, pinching the bridge of your nose as you continued. "Look, I understand. You put effort and thought into this little pet project of yours, but the results have all proven zilch. You fucked up, that's fine, but you can't keep meddling with this reality in hopes something will suddenly work again! All you're doing is tearing and poking holes the rest of us will have to deal with later."

"If you just gave me a little more time I could-"

"We've been giving you time. We've given you more time than we've ever given any project like yours," you gave a desperate look, "It's over. You tried and we tried, there's nothing that can be done. If you just worked with us then we could help you."

There was a long silence as they faltered, hands falling into their lap as their gaze followed, landing on the floor.

"And what happens to my Nevada?"

"We'll try and clean it up again. Return it to..some sort of normalcy," you hummed, "Though, with some of those tears in the fabric it'll take a bit longer than anticipated. That..clown, is proving to be rather difficult."

You paused, grin finding it's way onto your face.

"It's been tricky, if you will."

"Not the time."

You gave a 'tsk' in response, shrugging lightly, "I don't regret it."

"You'll be going back to our depths, effective immediately. While this project was a failure, we're still curious to see if there's anything else that can be done in a different time and place."

"And what about you? Are you going to sit all pretty in this fake office for the rest of eternity?" She questioned sarcastically, eyes dragging up to meet yours.

"God, I wish. I mean, seriously, you have no idea how nice it is to have some peace and quiet after dealing with that fuckin' office."

With a dry snicker and -presumably- an eye roll, they finally stood accepting their defeat.

"I presume I'll be seeing you?"

"If your little posse doesn't cause me too much trouble, yes."

"Have fun with that, I do hope it's as grueling as possible," he hummed, turning and striding towards the door to nothing.

"Thanks, was nice seeing you too."

The door peering to the void shuts soundlessly.

"Was the pun really that bad?.."

---

"What do you mean they're just neutral suddenly? It's not like they all just suddenly unionized or sum' shit! There's gotta be something going on," Deimos groaned, irritation dragging onto him and clinging desperately.

"Well- What do you want me to say! I'm just as confused as you are," Sanford huffed back over comms, making a vague gesture with no audience.

Hank stood in the other room, staring down at the few agents that were on their knees with their hands held tight behind their heads. They'd made no attempt to attack Sanford and xem, simply staring in a bit of surprise when the two'd busted in. It'd completely thrown the raid off, leaving them both in a state of stunned confusion. The agent that they'd asked about the sudden change in demeanor just gave some shaky shrug, stammering out that they'd all received an order to not attack under any circumstances from some unknown contact. 'They really just listen to anyone then?..'

It was hard to believe, hard to find any reason or meaning in that lead to any conclusive endings. Which, had lead to a small dispute going nowhere and fast. Hank only picked up on little parts of it, the words being muffled and distorted through the wall. Xe didn't really have much interest in getting a clearer reading of it though, it didn't sound like it meant much.

"Look, I'm just going to try and look for any documents or actual recordings of this apparent 'ghost order,' alright?..." A pause. "Deimos? Are you there? Shit- Of course the line dies now of all times."

The line wasn't dead. It was somewhere else, some-when else.

---

The ground felt cold.

No, was it warm?

Wait- No no no, it wasn't warm..

Was it even the ground?

Did it even matter?

Deimos could fuzzily recall it. Arguing with Sanford over the line. The points he made exactly didn't seem to ring through the fog of confusion and numb in his mind. Something about the Auditor, the agents, blah bla..something.

He'd been making to say something else when he'd seen it, something off in the corner of his eye. It wasn't anything huge, if you asked him he wouldn't even be able to tell you what it was. There was something wrong, but there wasn't. The ground was cold, but it was warm.

Something was wrong.

Everything is fine.

He'd turned around, looking around for whatever in his vision wasn't right.

That's rude to say, you know.

He'd never found it, something reaching from the depths to grab him.

You're making me sound awfully cruel.

With a groan, he picked himself up off the ground to observe his surroundings. White and black stretched infinitely around him, the 'ground' underneath him was the deepest of not-color while the 'sky' was its blinding twin. A building stood in front of him, a mix of ivory and ink twisted to form its structure. The door faced him, standing tall and straight as a soldier in spite of how tilted and off the world felt.

Before he could even really register it, something was pulling him up off the floor. There were no hands or strings physically attached, nothing sticking from him to drag into the infinite beyond his comprehension, no no. It was something quiet, a ghost or a whisper in his mind that pulled him through the ocean and to shore. The door grew larger- closer. His mind grew blanker. His hand twisted the knob.

Color flooded into his vision finally, the room in front of him coated in it graciously. The floors were a velvet carpeting, a wine red that felt of lavish and glitzy. The walls were lined in bookshelves, each filled to the brim with titles somewhere between poetry and latin white noise where imagination fell. At the head of the room stood a desk, polished mahogany standing tall and still, frozen indefinitely in time. Behind it, you.

Me.

Once again, he was pulled forward. Each step fell in front of the other, unsure of weight behind them and noise that followed suite. He felt half there. Half of a man and half of a void. It was..something.

Not pleasant, not bad.

The ground wasn't cold, wasn't warm.

It just was.

He finds himself meeting your gaze as he plops down into one of the seats in front of you. He finds his neck straining and bowing under phantom limbs that aren't there. He finds his eyes training on yours which stare back pointedly, finds himself between hot and cold. He finds himself sitting down before you as he watches from the window.

There's no window in the room.

"You must be so confused."

Your voice is in front of him, right? That's where you are, so your voice should be coming from there. It isn't though. It's around him somewhere. Even as you tilt your head to the side the noise of your own voice doesn't seem to follow it.

"Don't think too much on this all, alright?"

You mutter something. 'These grunts really weren't made for this- to be here. I'm surprised he even woke up.'

Someone nods in agreement.

"Wh..who are you?"

Is that his voice? It is. It has to be, it fell from his own mouth. He barely even felt it move. Is it his mouth? It has to be.

You pause for a moment, seemingly caught off guard. He doesn't know if its because he spoke or because of what he asked. Nobody clarifies.

"Why don't you call me [name]? That'll be easiest for you. I do apologize for dragging you here rather than appearing there," you hum, leaning forward on your desk. "I just wanted to make sure we had the utmost privacy."

I wanted to make sure you wouldn't be able to forget.

"Now, Deimos," is that his name? "I need to tell you something, I have to work on restoring things for you, so I can't deliver this message to everyone myself in the most..effective of ways. You won't mind filling your friends in for me, right?"

He doesn't answer. He can't. His tongue is lead and his mouth is stuck shut, if he opens it will surely be left that way for the rest of infinity- for the rest of this place, this time. Someone says yes in his voice.

"Good. Now, try to listen carefully..."

---

He wakes up on sand. He's sitting up quickly, stilted as his mind finds his body. His tongue is lighter, teeth separated once more as his jaws are their own entities again. The cliff is still under him, wind passing by him peacefully. The horizon stretches infinite.

The ground is warm, there's no mistaking it.

"Deimos? Are you there?"

He pauses briefly.

"I need to tell you guys something."

#deimos x reader #SORTA???????#I MEAN. U GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRLBOSS HIS ASS SO LIKE. TAKE THAT AS U WILL...#idk he's definitely in gay love w/ you but like in that 'aha hey bestie what if we kisses and you were a cosmic horror :flushed:'#madness combat imagines #madness combat x reader #madcom imagines #madcom x reader #auditor reader #employer reader #<- gonna be usin that tag too now ig??

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ttuesday · 3 years

Note

We just lost a family member. It was my uncle, it’s so sudden it kinda got me thinking while trying to escape reality for a bit:

What would the gang be like during crisis mode? Between the inconsolable sorrow and the desire for someone to pay. It can teeter between rage, survivors guilt, sorrow and all the other emotions that come with being numb from loss.

Especially Arthur mostly because someone needs to get got for causing such damage to the gang, and I know he says vengeance is a fools game but for his S/O I think he’d go John-Fucking-Wick on someone.

I’m also thinking Dutch, Javier, Charles and Hosea (he’s interesting bc he’s survived this long for a damn reason). And SADIE.

yo I know you know this already but if you need anything I'm always here <3 I hope these headcanons are good!

Arthur

Arthur's in shock. He knows what life as an outlaw is like, he's witnessed many deaths and destruction yet it's something he can never get used to.

His main priority is making sure you're ok. Seeing you upset makes him panic and he blames himself. Arthur won't stop going through different scenarios in his head where everything might've worked out ok.

He knows revenge is bad but knowing how this has impacted you and his own mixed feelings of regret and guilt pushes him over the edge.

Arthur packs his satchel full of everything he needs, loads up his guns and gets ready to track down whatever motherfucker that has caused this. You wake up just before he leaves your shared tent. You know what his plan is just from looking at him. Maybe you'll stop him or maybe you'll go with him, that's your decision.

Dutch

Dutch always tells the gang that revenge is a fool's game. It's a motto he's learned to live by but when business gets personal, Dutch can be quite the hypocrite.

Dutch knows that killing whoever caused this will bring you and everyone else the closure ye need but it isn't that simple. In one way, Dutch feels as though the world around him is caving in.

He spends the next few days alone in his tent. The only thing he's focused on now is finding an excuse to kill this person. Maybe the killer was also paying off the Pinkertons or maybe they're gonna be on a high society train that ye could rob.

Dutch knows he's going to kill them but now he has to make up a reason why that will align with his twisted morality.

Javier

Javier is confused. How could this happen? Why did this happen? It's like the entire gang is asking these questions yet no one can come up with an answer.

When Javier first heard about what happened, you were the first person he thought of. He didn't care how far away you were, he needed to go and see you. Maybe if he was fast enough then he could be the one to break the news to you.

He didn't say much when he saw you. Javier simply sighed in defeat as he wrapped his arms around you. He guided you over to a quiet spot and sat with you for as long as you needed.

Javier knows that if he’s determined on getting revenge, that could take months or maybe even years. But right now, revenge doesn't matter. The only thing he cares about now is you.

Charles

Things like this normally doesn't impact Charles that much, he knows that he has to accept it. But it's different when you’re involved. Charles wants you to be happy and to have a good life, not deal with grief and disaster.

Before you can even think about what's after happening, Charles is swiftly by your side and comforting you. Charles doesn't care about his own emotions, in all honestly he felt numb after hearing about what happened so instead he focuses on you.

Every morning Charles takes you out hunting so you can vent and express all the different emotions you're feeling without the whole gang listening in.

Sometimes when he's lying in bed at night, Charles wonders if he should try to get some kind of vengeance but he doesn't know if he can. That's something he'll only be able to figure out when he's face to face with the person responsible for all this sorrow.

Hosea

Hosea knows all the current emotions you're feeling. Denial, guilt, helplessness, sadness and maybe you might feel nothing at all.

At some point in his life, Hosea’s felt the same way so he knows how to help you through this.

But Hosea is quick to tell you that the best thing you can do is move on. If you go get revenge then that will only result in more pain and death. Life is hard, cruel and relentless, and the best thing we can do is try to keep up with it's constant punches.

Hosea will try his absolute best in helping you overcome all these different emotions but he thinks revenge is pointless and so that's one thing he can't help you with.

Sadie

Sadie's been where you are. She unfortunately knows a lot about grief. However you react to the news, Sadie stands by your side.

If you’re angry and lash out, she’s there for you. If you’re sad and need a shoulder to cry on, she’s there for you. If you need someone to tuck you into your goddamn bed at night, then hell, Sadie will do that too.

Sadie is all for revenge. She knows revenge is bad but sometimes that doesn’t matter and what’s important is getting closure. Not only that but she thinks revenge might be a good motivator to help you get back on your feet.

But right now she knows that you’re not ready to get revenge. The situation is too fresh. Sadie knows that the best thing to do now is help you through the grief and help you practice for when you finally kill the son of a bitch that’s responsible for this.

#hope you’re doing ok💕💕#and I hope these take your mind off of things! even if it’s only for a few minutes #I know I’ve already said this but I’m hear if you need anything #writings #headcanons #rdr2 #arthur morgan #dutch van der linde #charles smith #hosea matthews #javier escuella #sadie adler

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