#also lifetime is now doing the gay best friend a lot for the main characters via Will and Grace

[drchucktingle]

Hello Dr Tingle! I wanted to ask you about that re: your post about how all your books are serious literature (hell yeah Love is real). How do you personally deal with the whole traditional publishing institution? It attracts a whole different level of coverage and it seems that they're very quick to try and box you and like turn you into a brand. Is it stiffling? Is it freeing? Does the attention help more people understand your trot? I don't know I've never been published but since you have experience in both traditional and self publishing I'm interested in knowing how that's feeling for you

well this is a pretty complex question with lots of different trots but i will try my best to answer. lets start with WHO I AM as buckaroo name of chuck

what i create has a very strong voice and my way is pretty recognizable. while buckaroos do not know what most authors look like, i REALLY stand out in a dang crowd with a big pink bag on my head. if you see 50 random author photos and mine is mixed in and then you ask 'which photo do you remember the most?' it is probably gonna be chuck. i also have a VERY UNIQUE STORY with what i create and my artistic sensibilities, not a lot of buds are out there making trans mothman erotica along with their big five traditional publishing bestsellers (SIDENOTE preorder BURY YOUR GAYS)

now if you were going to take 'CHUCK TINGLE' to a marketing department they would FALL OVER BACKWARDS IN THEIR DANG CHAIR with excitement. it is hard to think of an author with a stronger BRAND than i already have in the sense of 'instantly recognizable trot and specific unique style'. even in answering this you can tell that i dont even TALK like other dang authors.

what i am getting at is this: i am VERY VERY LUCKY because my existence just so happens to equate to what a company would see as GOOD BRANDING. it is not intentional on my part, it is just the hand of fate i guess. im out here expressing myself in a FULL ON WAY that is PRETTY DANG STRANGE TO SOME and it just so happens to work as mainstream branding too

on paper you might think 'what the heck no way chuck tingle will fly as a mainstream trot' but honestly the main thread of this timeline can be surprising sometimes. ive been saying the key ingredient for years and i will say it again: LOVE AND SINCERITY RESONATE. when you make art with this fuel, the timeline will feel it. when you stand up tall and shout with your whole chest THIS IS MY WAY AND I LOVE MYSELF. I AM THE WORLDS GREATEST AUTHOR TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT, the timeline will listen

so all that said, i do not mind the idea of myself as 'brand' because i am not CHANGING myself to create this effect. what some might see as 'brand' i just see as another part of my art. i have always believed that art is THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE not just the painting but what is outside of the frame. WHO I AM is just as important as the books i write, and interacting with my way is a whole MULTIMEDIA experience that INCLUDES YOU TOO. it is the feeling when your friend shows you your first tingler cover, or the feeling when you realize that i am not playing a character. this is ALL a part of the tingleverse and it is all a part of my honest raw expression as a queer and neurodivergent buckaroo.

YOU ARE PART OF THIS ART TOO

it is my nature of have a PUNK ROCK trot. always has been. but to me that does not mean just angrily going against everything for the sake of going against everything. for me, this punk rock trot means fighting to EXPRESS MYSELF IN THE MOST HONEST AND PURE FORM POSSIBLE and to create the art that i want to make without any boundaries

somehow i have threaded the needle in this really interesting once-in-a-dang-lifetime kind of way. my pure punk rock self as an OUTERSIDER ARTIST just so happens to resonate with this larger system of brand and traditional publishing and popular culture. i COULD reject this, but rejecting it would be LESS HONEST.

this is just who i am. i LIKE pop culture. i LIKE joy. i LIKE dressing in all pink and wearing my custom suits. I LIKE PROVING LOVE IS REAL WHAT THE HECK ELSE EVEN IS THERE? i love being a queer outsider artist and using my small voice to shout at the big bad devils and i like that every time i shout a few more of you buckaroos join the chorus and together we are just getting louder and louder and louder and WHO KNOWS what comes next for us all trotting together.

when i post something like 'WHAT A GREAT DAY TO PROVE LOVE' it is not me sitting here in a bad mood thinkin 'well i gotta make todays post to keep up with my brand'. i am ACTUALLY FEELING THAT FEELING and i actually believe it with every fiber of my being. honestly, half the time i post about the beauty of this timeline i am probably over here literally crying tears of joy (chuck is an emotional bud i get riled over the joy of existence A LOT)

and heres the best part of this trot: because i really have this punk rock way it makes me very powerful. others can pretend not to care about success and brand and all that but I REALLY DO NO CARE. i would write tinglers whether buds were reading them or not, this is just my natural state, and that makes me incredibly strong. if some big corporation says 'YOU MUST DO THIS' and i dont want to do it i just say 'no thanks'. it is not some big debate about my career or anything like that because I REALLY DO NOT CARE IN THE SLIGHTEST. i care about the art

because of this, my relationship with my GIANT TRADITIONAL PUBLISHING MACHINE is great. we trot like equals and we get along really well. i tell them exactly what i want to do and they let me do it. i really do not have to answer to anyone and they deserve a huge amount of credit for respecting me in this way.

and heres the thing, THEY ALSO HAVE SOME GREAT IDEAS

SPECIFICALLY my imprint of NIGHTFIRE is very dang cool. yes, they are the head of a giant hydra of a BIG FIVE PUBLISHER, but nightfire is SO DANG ART-FOCUSED

there is no right or wrong way to be an artist, and my path is not the only one, but i can tell you what WORKS FOR ME. this is the advice i would give myself, and buckaroos can take it or leave it

here it is: never beg the big book publisher, or record label, or movie studio to pay attention to you

do not let it become a lotto ticket in your brain. do not think that you are some weak little creature and maybe if you trot just right they will scoop you up and take care of you. do not go to their door begging to be let in

LET THEM COME TO YOUR DOOR

create something so incredible and beautiful and honest and powerful and unique and important that they would be foolish to miss out. create a community or a system or a timeline or a world of imagination that thrives on its own and THEY SHOULD BE SO LUCKY TO BE A PART OF IT

then when you sit down at that board meeting it is not 'please brand me, ill do whatever you want'. instead, it is 'lets make a deal and see how much love we can prove together.'

now lets trot buckaroos

#buckaroo lifestyle #chuck tingle #tingleverse

[a-wondering-thought]

HI 🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️

(i pull this shit with anyone i follow who has anything remotely in common with me. the moots who know, know 😔😔 sorry)

tis i cristie your new crazy follower!! we have a mighty lot in common 👀👀 okok to the actual asks:

1. favourite YA book and favourite classic book? (i like separating these because one is usually for fandomy entertainment and one is for laughing at gay idiots (affectionate) marvelling over the mind of the author and the beauty of the prose) (also the picture of dorian gray is looking at you with giant puppy eyes rn PICK IT)

2. favourite osemanverse, riordanverse and grishaverse character? (wow universes galore) (also i’ve only read heartstopper so i am not acquainted with the rest of the osemanverse books)

3. have you by any chance read good omens. or watched the tv adaptation which is most possibly one of the only good tv adaptations i have watched in this lifetime. (idk why i always start with read when the show is more popular) you probably haven’t. idk why i asked this. but you should read it. or watch it. or both. yes 👁️👄👁️

4. finally, pick: devotion or rivalry

—

i do realise that when people receive these asks they regard this with a mixture of mild terror and awkwardness so i apologise for that 😀

hiiiii new mutual!!! im vi and i too am crazy so im glad to have another crazy mutual :D

favourite YA book is hard ngl, i think not including soc any osemanverse and pjo/hoo books my favourite ya book is Girl, Goddess, Queen by Bea Fitzgerald. its a Hades and Persephone retelling(i love greek mythology) and Persephone is so badass in it' and i think my favourite classical book is A Little Princess because of reading it when i was younger but im not sure if its classed as a classic? if its not then maybe sense and sensibility? it was the first Jane Austin book i read and im very sorry to disappoint the puppy eyes but i haven't actually read the picture of dorian gray yet which i know is scandalous and i do have a copy but i just haven't gotten round to reading it yet but *aristocrat voice* i might have to start now so that i might please the puppy eyes *swoops off hat and bows*

ahhh you should defiantly read their other books they are amazing! but my favourite osemanverse character is Tori Spring (aka the whole reason i started my blog) my favourite Riordanverse character is Nico Di Angelo(but i do love Blitzen from mc too) and my favourite grishaverse characters are Inej Ghafa and Wylan Hendriks(van eck) (also yes two pls dont make me decide) (and yessss universe galore i love it sm)

im very sorry but no i have not as i have a habit of starting a ton of shows and then taking months to finish them(i currently have seven main ones but three not so main ones and i longgg list of to watches) i do have a lot of mutuals that love the show tho so its on my shows i want to watch list and i have been meaning to watch it so i might soon(im considering just trying to binge it) and idk if my local library has the book but i have seen some of Neil gaimen so if they do i might read it

hmmm im not sure what context you mean(you probably did that on purpose im just stupid) but overall i think devotion bc rivalry can cause conflict which im afraid of :D

___

and dont apologize this was so fun!!! one of the best asks i've ever gotten for sure!! thank you sm for sending me it! and i wanted to ask if we could be friends? and could message you? (dont worry if not) (its just you seem really cool and amazing!!)

#answered #vi screams into the void

[toolazytodecide]

Hey! I like the fandoms you post about. Do you have any book recommendations? I need something to listen to while I file things at work but I’m bad at predicting what I’ll like because it feels like nothing I’m into has any Google-able overlap. It’s like, if I enjoy the author’s outlook I’ll love anything they make but I don’t care what the book is actually about.

I think about this quote all the time, esp when Netflix is all “you liked Buffy, you might like Vampire Diaries.”😒

“No one knew what Ganseylike was, even Gansey. Teachers and family friends were always collecting articles and stories that they thought might capture his attention, things they thought were Ganseylike. The well-meaning items always addressed the most obvious parts of him. Welsh kings or old Camaros or other young people who had travelled the world for bizarre reasons no one else understood. No one dug down past that, and he supposed he didn't much encourage it. There was a lot of night in those days behind him, and he preferred to turn his face into the sun. Ganseylike. What was Ganseylike?” — The Raven King

First of all you are absolutely correct. I had completely forgotten that Gansey quote but it really does summarise where recommendations fail so well.

My first thought was oh what do I like with similar themes or in the same category? But fuck that I'm just gonna tell you my favourites and a little about them and you can pick what interests you.

1. My FAVOURITE book is The Goldfinch. I only read it this year but it absolutely destroyed my brain and I havent recovered.

Basic summary: 13 year old Theo Decker survives a terrorist attack at an art gallery but loses his mother and in his shock accidentally takes home famous painting: The Goldfinch. First half of the story is him as a teen, second half is as an adult. Theres a lot of themes like drug abuse, internalized homophobia, PTSD and suicide. It's a great book if you love analyzing the fuck out of books. He also develops a mildly codependent (and very gay) friendship with another boy who later becomes a gangster.

It is very different to NHIE and TRC in that it's a lot more....negative? Like the plot resolves itself but you will not be satisfied by the ending. The characters are all very flawed, which I suppose is similar to characters like Adam and Devi but in different ways.

2. Six of Crows- have you read this? If you havent it's like a mandatory read. Its technically a sequel to Shadow and Bone but I read it first and it was fine.

Summary- 6 rag tag teens team up in a dangerous fantasy world to take on the heist of the century.

It's so good man. When I tell you Kaz Brekker is my favourite character of all time I am not joking. Also bonus points for a disabled main character as written by a disabled author. It's very found family with a lot of plot twists and lovable characters.

3. All for the game- this one is here because I love it but objectively I know it's an acquired taste with questionable writing.

All 3 of these so far show my love of a sneaky protagonist with an allergy to telling people about themselves. These books are absolutely bizarre and shouldnt work but they do!

Basic summary: Neil Josten has spent his life on the life from his mobster father after he and his mother escaped him. His mom just died and rather than keep hiding he allows himself to take the opportunity of a lifetime to go to college and play Exy (made up sport) for a team that specializes in taking those who have had rough lives and usually would be picked (e.g drug addicts, foster kids etc)

It's a surprisingly wonderful series about mental health, occasional murder and one of the best love stories I've read. This one is also really popular with ao3 so if you're after something that will give you a lot of wonderful ff this is the best one so far.

(There are a number of trigger warnings for this book I would recommend you look up beforehand.)

Bonus rec: Vicious by V.E Scwab. I need to go into work now but basically told from the supervillains perspective, but honestly I'm on his side anyway. Victor just got out of prison and has the ability to control pain. So he can either inflict pain or say hire henchmen that he pays by curing their chronic pain. (As someone with chronic pain I cant blame them tbh)

he also adopts this kid who can resurrect the dead and it's a great little supervillain found family. I havent read it in ages but there is a sequel I need to read and from what I remember it was very good.

#book recs #all these main characters are slytherins do i have a type #for protaganists not in women thank god #i did not proofread this bc i need to go into work hope its not crap

[ghostietea]

Ok, I'm going to say it: Akito being paired off in the end and shoved into a "happy" het relationship is an egregiously bad writing choice. 

Akito's arc at the end of Fruits Basket is one of self discovery and breaking cycles of abuse, and it is one that she has recently started where we leave off. She is making an admirable effort, but also is very newly trying to learn how to fix things and have functional relationships after a lifetime of toxicity and indoctrination. No matter how hard she's trying Akito is still in a growing phase, and has a very long way to go. Additionally, after losing her entire worldview and support system, she would be in a pretty vulnerable state, and is trapped in a loop of immense self loathing. At this point in her journey, Akito needs to focus on building platonic relationships, especially considering that she has almost no experience in companionship outside of the context of the curse. Also consider that she has issues with dependance, especially with the zodiac, and a lot of her growth is about independence, doing things by herself, and not clinging on to old relationships. To put it simply, Akito is not in a position where she should be entering a romantic relationship and, in fact, it would make more sense for her arc to leave her single. And above all, the elephant in the room still stands: less then a month ago this character literally stabbed her ex in the back. Even ignoring other factors, this is in no way a person that should be dating anytime soon and it is truly baffling that she would be part of an endgame relationship. 

And it just gets worse when you consider the context of the relationship she's in. Akito and Shigure are undeniably incredibly toxic, to the point of being mutually abusive. Takaya obviously did this on purpose, which just makes what comes later even more confusing. Akito should not be in a relationship at all, and she should certainly not be in a relationship with a man who has been manipulating her for years on end as she has been manipulating him too and, may I remind you, slept with her abusive mom specifically to spite her. These characters are consistently shown to have a really twisted relationship, only to be abruptly flipped to "whoops, happy couple now" in the last volume. I'm not saying that relationships can't start out toxic and develop into something good, but you have to put a lot of time and growth into their story to sell it. Tossing two charachters from point a to b for the sake of a "happy" ending is just bad writing. Akito may have changed, but only recently; on such a rotten base it would be too easy to slip back into old habits and there was no stage shown of significant development in their relationship. Again, not showing the development is a fatal mistake in writing a relationship like this. Even if we give Akito the benefit of the doubt since she had a "redemption arc" (as I said above, this doesn't work) that's not even touching on the fact that Shigure did not really change in regards to her, no, he simply had no reason left to fight at the current moment because he got exactly what he wanted, which was having her all to himself (Concerning when combined with the fact that we know from Furubana that Akito will let people abuse her because, again, she absolutely hates herself. I'm not saying things would go like that but character that thinks they deserve mistreatment+character that mistreated them in the past is not a good look.). Shigure didn't magically have an epiphany about his treatment of Akito, he won. You can't even say this relationship is okay now since they both changed enough, because they didn't. This is not just Akito getting into a relationship in the wrong headspace, this is Akito getting into a relationship with a long history of mutual abuse, jealousy, and toxicity with a former zodiac and it being treated as something that's completely fine.

So you have this character. After spending the whole series being a toxic and horrendous person, she has the realization that has been coming since the beginning, and decides to change. A lot of her arc is about finding out who she is after tying her whole identity to a construct, and realizing that she has to be herself and live as a human instead of a God, has to learn how to find friends that want her around as a person from outside her weird cult. She is just starting to make a few friends, starts trying to figure out herself and how to be  independent and kind, and cuts off a centuries long cycle of abuse. This character is still working for her reformation, still figuring things out, still building new relationships from the ground up. Additionally, this character has severe trauma that she is in no way is recovered from on top of all of that and honestly needs to see a professional. It. Makes. No. Sense. To. Give. Her. An. Endgame. Ship. Was it not for the ship, Akito's ending, while still rushed, would be a million times stronger, and that's why it frustrates me so much. And I'm not saying that Akito shouldn't be shipped, or that I think she should never have romantic love, and especially not that she doesn't deserve to be loved at all as I've said already that that her having platonic relationships is important. I'm saying that it should have been left out of the cannon ending with the story as is. So, if the story would be better with this easy fix, why.

Well, I think this, as many other problems with the story, boils down to Natsuki Takaya's immense dedication to extreme heteronormativity. You can see this everywhere, by the end near everyone in paired off into neat little m/f sets. This goes for immensely queer coded characters like Yuki and characters such as Rin who should probably get to heal and build more friendships before rekindling her relationship. Oftentimes couples being paired up actively makes this story's arcs weaker, which sucks because characters are Furuba's main draw. So many issues could have been fixed if Takaya didn't need her happy hets. Akito's arc is, like many other characters, especially the women, held down because the author decided to hit her in the head with the het stick. (Which is extra bad considering her and her arc are heavily queercoded and Takaya tries to make her seem as het and gender conforming as she can post redemption which is, uhhh. But this is not the post about queercoding villains and arcs that should have been gay.) 

In the end, you can say or feel what you want, but the fact still stands: Akito Sohma being in an endgame relationship is bad writing at best and seriously concerning at worst.

#fruits basket #akito sohma #shigure sohma #fruits basket spoilers #meta

[carbootsoul]

anyway no one asked but: yue joins the gaang instead of becoming the moon at the end of season 1 hcs!!

- instead of giving up her life to replace tui as the moon spirit, she gives up tui’s blessing to give them the final burst of strength to escape from zhao. basically yue gives up her blue eyes, pale hair, and waterbending. she never (?) waterbends on the show, and the loss of her bending isn’t too devestating to her.

- also sokka gets a friend who can’t bend either... he deserves it.

- when the gaang leaves after the battle is over, yue decides to come with them and it’s a HUGE thing with her father and begins her main character arc, which is about whether her responsibility to her tribe and the preservation of their culture is more important than her paving her own way and also how those two things can coexist!

- she leaves her betrothal necklace on her bedside table and the last shot of the episode is just of it, lying there. 

- this got rly long so there’s more under the cut

- her traveling clothes are a thing shawl and a tunic similar to sokka’s with pants. she keeps her usual haircut but it’s tied with leather instead of the fancy hair things she used as princess. also she uses a hunting knife as a weapon

- she and sokka continue their weird not-dating-but-kind-of-dating dance for a lot of episodes and it’s generally awkward and easy comic relief. also more shots of yue blushing because she’s just so cuteeee

- there’s a scene of them stargazing where yue tells sokka the story of a pair of lovers who died and then remained best friends in all their future lives (because avatar friendships enduring through lifetimes and also friendship being just as important as romantic relationships)

- yue becomes friends with EVERYONE they meet IMMEDIATELY and everyone falls in love with her because she’s sweet and pretty and has a nice laugh.

- there’s a filler episode that’s just sokka and yue going shopping together and trying on lots of jewlery but the running gag is that yue keeps getting distracted with talking to other people and definitely flirting with every girl she runs into and sokka is always distracted with a pair of earrings or a set of rings and doesn’t notice. finally some random guy is like ‘man your girlfriend has been flirting with my sister this whole time... are you aware.” and sokka is immeditaly like ShE’s NoT mY GiRLfRiEnD and then like wait what

- so maybe yue is a lesbian. sokka is very distressed that he’s been trying to court someone who’s not interested so he talks with katara while she’s sewing or something and he’s like is yue gay?? and katara is like oh i don’t know. lots of people we know are queer. sokka: WHO??? katara: well, zuko. suki. sokka: ZUKO??? SUKI??? and this is when katara realizes her brother’s gaydar is nonexistent. 

- yue tries being a vegetarian (to be nice to aang) but thinks nuts are gross so she and sokka go on hunting trips together. she’s Very Good at archery.

- also the episode where they watch toph wrestle?? she and sokka are SO on her side. it made me angry in the show that sokka wasn’t on her side but yue would convince him very quickly and they are very loud together.

- she also stays to talk to toph on the estate because she doesn’t look as suspect as the rest of the gaang so the guards don’t kick her out immediately (read: she’s good at conforming to elitist ideas of how people r meant to act and passes the rich kid test). she and toph sit in the garden and watch the moon (because the moon symbolizes yue’s perceived failure to sacrifice herself to save her tribe) and talk about how sometimes to live as yourself you have to skirt your responsibilities to your family. yue leaves a few hours later firmly friends with toph.

- she continues to be the one firmly on toph’s side in the toph/katara disputes that are in the first few episodes with toph. katara can’t hold it against her though because literally who could hold a grudge against yue she’s so incredible

- (ok we’re skipping a lot of time here bc i frankly do not remember everything that happened in book 2) her ba sing se tale is her uhhh going to the market to buy herself an iced tea because she’s gay and just having a good time being a no one. a girl she runs into at the cafe asks her to go on a walk around the city with her and it’s very sweet but yue does Not know this is a date so when the girl gives her a kiss she gets blushy and says something dumb

- also at the end of another episode we have a short scene of yue on the roof of their house in the upper ring, staring at the moon and touching the place on her neck where her betrothal necklace isn’t. then the camera switches to zuko, on the other side of the city, looking at the same moon and absently running his fingers through his hair where his topknot used to be

- yue and jet hate each other but yue still advocates for him because she sees how he’s been hurt and thinks that he deserves a second chance. i don’t know the funeral traditions for any of the nations but she does a quick northern water tribe blessing over his body before they run away.

- yue and mai are like.. yes we r gay..... yes we do flirt with each other while fighting sometimes.... yes we r the two knife fighters.. yes we are ALSO narrative foils

- yue looks SO GOOD in fire nation clothes but she keeps her usual hairdo because she deserves it. the fire nation propaganda makes her very angry, as does the institutionalized homophobia. she starts arguing with some guy over it and katara is ready to back her up and start fucking screaming and get arrested and sokka is like.. now. now is when i should talk to her. 

- he drags her away and she’s like fuck dude i can fight my own battles and he’s like no i just.. what you were talking about.... i have something i need to tell you..... and she’s like you’re bi!! good for you, sokka, thank you for telling me. and he’s like :bi shock: no?? you’re a lesbian. anyway yes she is a lesbian they are wlw mlm solidarity. 

- there’s a filler episode where toph and yue rob a bunch of fire nation soldiers and when they get caught (after a While of these robberies) they get out of it by playing the ‘dumb rich kids’ card and run away with jewelry like.. dripping off their hands. katara makes them sell all of it except a choker necklace yue keeps that looks like a betrothal necklace but instead has an etching of a bird flying away.

- skipping again bc this is getting rly long. when zuko joins the gaang he and yue have a tentative conversation about their relationships to their nations and he’s like.. idk sounds like you needed to leave? that wasn’t an environment that you can thrive in. and she’s like but i can change it! i need to be there to change it, and i left. and he’s like well no. some things are just toxic. i went back to my nation and it was terrible. and she’s like i have a responsibility to my PEOPLE and gets mad at him and she and katara r like angry at zuko team. 

- yue’s life changing field trip with zuko is just them leaving on appa to go to a market and be normal teenagers. they both viewed each other as Fire Prince and Water Tribe Princess, but this lets them open up and realize concretely that that’s not all that they are. 

- zuko apologizes for implying that the nwt was irreparable and explains that the fire palace wasn’t something he could fix and that trying just hurt him more. yue says that part of the reason she was angry with him was because he was right and that she felt so much more herself when she was away from her home. they finally reach the conclusion together that they have to become themselves before they can hope to change their cultures for the better.

- yue comes along to boiling rock but is v much background to zukka bromance. she hangs out with suki some (lots more yue blushing oc bc suki is BUFF) and does some dumb gay fighting with mai but they’re both bad at it because yue is busy mooning over suki and mai is busy protecting ty lee.

- ember island players still say she turned into the moon >:(

#yue #yueki #sokka #atla #yue atla #leo.txt #god this is so long #i just have a lot of thoughts and love yue SO MUCH #she deserves SO MUCH #anyway i hope u enjoyed my thoughts #there's probably enough here for an actual fic so like.. maybe someday

[dangermousie]

Heelo mousie! Love your blog! Do you mind recommending some of your favourite Chinese BL novels or shows?

I've seen the untamed and read it. I'm currently reading heaven's official blessing and I saw the donghua. Anything other than these two?

Awww, thank you!

Novels: I am gonna be lazy and literally copy/paste the entire danmei section of my top 10 web novels post (except MXTX’s stuff since you are already reading it.) Let me know if you need help finding any of these.

Lord Seventh - I am only partway through this so far, but it’s already on the list because it’s smart and somehow intense AND laid-back (not sure how this works, but it does) and is honestly just a really really solid and smart period novel, with the OTP a cherry on top of a narrative sundae. Plus, I love the concept of MC deciding he is not going for his supposedly fated love - he’s tried for six lifetimes, always with disaster, and he’s just plain done and tired. When he opens his life in his seventh reincarnation and sees the person he would have given up the world for, he genuinely feels nothing at all. (Spoiler - his OTP is actually a barbarian shaman this time around, thank you Lord!)

Golden Stage - my perfect comfort novel. Probably the least angsty of any danmei novel on this list (which still means plenty angsty :P) It also has a dedicated, smart OTP that is an OTP for the bulk of the book - I think you will notice that in most of the novels in this list, I go for “OTP against the world” trope - I can’t stand love triangles and the same. Anyway, Fu Shen, is a famous general whose fame is making the emperor   antsy. When he gets injured and can’t walk any more, the emperor gladly recalls him and marries him off to his most faithful court lackey, the head of sort of secret police, Yan Xiaohan. The emperor intends it both  as a check on the general and a general spite move since the two men   always clash in court whenever they meet. But not all is at is seems. They used to be  friends a long time ago, had a falling out, and one of the loveliest  parts of the novel is them finding their way to each other, but there is  also finding the middle path between their two very different  philosophies and ways of being, not to mention solving a conspiracy or  dozen, and putting a new dynasty on the throne, among other things. It always makes me think, a little, of “if Mei Changsu x Jingyan were canon.”

Sha Po Lang - if you like a lot of fantasy politics and world-building and steampunk with your novels, this one is for you. This one is VERY plot-heavy with smart, dedicated characters and a deconstruction of many traditional virtues - our protagonist Chang Geng, a long-lost son of the Emperor, is someone who wants to modernize the country but also take down the current emperor his brother for progress’ sake and the person he’s in love with is the general who saved him when he was a kid who is nominally his foster father. Anyway, the romance is mainly a garnish in this one, not even a big side dish, but the relationship between two smart, dedicated, deadly individuals with very different concepts of duty is fascinating long before it turns romantic. And if you like angst, while overall it’s not as angsty as e.g., Meatbun stuff, Chang Geng’s childhood is the stuff of nightmares and probably freaks me out more than anything else in any novel on this list, 2ha included.

To Rule In a Turbulent World (LSWW) - gay Minglan. No seriously. This is how I think of it. it’s a slice of life period novel with fascinating characters and  setting that happens to have a gay OTP, not a romance in a period  setting per se and I always prefer stories where the romance is not the only thing that is going on. It’s meticulously written and smart and deals with  character development and somehow makes daily minutia fascinating. Our   protagonist, You Miao, is the son of a fabulously wealthy merchant,   sent to the capital to make connections and study. As the story starts, he sees his friend’s  servants beating someone to death, feels bad, and buys him because, as  we discover gradually and organically, You Miao may be wealthy and  occasionally immature but he is a genuinely good person. The person he buys is a barbarian from beyond the wall, named   Li Zhifeng. It’s touch and go if the man will survive but eventually he does and You Miao, who by then has to return home, gives him his papers  and lets him go. However, LZF decides to stick with You Miao instead, both  out of sense of debt for YM saving his life and because he genuinely  likes him (and yet, there is no instalove on either of their parts, their bodies have fun a lot quicker than their souls.) Anyway, the two  take up farming, get involved in  the imperial exams and it’s the life of prosperity and peace, until an invasion happens and things go rapidly to hell. This is so nuanced, so smart (smart people in this actually ARE!) and has secondary characters who are just as complex as the mains (for example, I ended up adoring YM’s friend, the one who starts the plot by almost beating LZF to death for no reason) because the novel never forgets that few people are all villain. There is a lovely character arc or two - watching YM grow up and LZF thaw - there is the fact that You Miao is a unicorn in web novels being laid back and calm. This whole thing is a masterpiece.

Stains of Filth (Yuwu) - want the emotional hit of 2ha but want to read something half its length? Well, the author of 2ha is here to eviscerate you in a shorter amount of time. This has the beautiful world-building, plot twists that all make sense and, at the center of it all, an intense and all-consuming and gloriously painful relationship between two generals - one aristocratic loner Mo Xi, and the other gregarious former slave general Gu Mang. Once they were best friends and lovers, but when the novel starts, Gu Mang has long turned traitor and went to serve the enemy kingdom and has now been returned and Mo Xi, who now commands the remnants of his slave army, has to cope with the fact that he has never been able to get over the man who stabbed him through the heart. Literally. This novel has a gorgeously looping structure, with flashbacks interwoven into present storyline. There is so much love and longing and sacrifice in this that I am tearing up a bit just thinking of it. If you don’t love Mo Xi and Gu Mang, separately and together, by the end of it, you have no soul.

The Dumb Husky and His White Cat Shizun (2ha/erha) - if you’ve been following my tumblr for more than a hot second, you know my obsession with this novel. Honestly, even if I were to make a list of my top 10 novels of any kind, not just webnovels, this would be on the list. It has everything I want - a complicated, intricate plot with an insane amount of plot twists, all of which are both unexpected and make total sense, a rich and large cast of characters, a truly epic OTP that makes me bawl, emotional intensity that sometimes maxes even me out and so much character nuance and growth. Also, Moran is my favorite web novel character ever, hands down.

Anyway, the plot (or at least the way it first appears) is that the evil emperor of the cultivation world, Taxian Jun, kills himself at 32 and wakes up in the body of his 16 year old self, birth name Moran. Excited to get a redo, Moran wants to save his supposed true love Shimei, whose death the last go-around pushed him towards evil. He also wants to avoid entanglement with Chu Wanning, his shizun and sworn enemy in past life. And that’s all you are best off knowing, trust me. The only hint I am going to give is oooh boy the mother of all unreliable narrators has arrived!

The novel starts light and funny on boil the frog principle - if someone told me I would be full bawling multiple times with this novel, I’d have thought they were insane, but i swear my eyes hurt by the end of it. I started out being amused and/or disliking the mains and by the end I would die for either of them.

The Wife is First - OK, this one did not make my top 10 web novels but it’s a sweet, fun gay cottagecore fest. Our ML, a royal prince, and his spouse, a smart if delicate aristocrat, keep house, eat noodles, play with their pet tiger, make out and spoil each other rotten, while occasionally fighting battles and outwitting their court enemies. It’s so very mellow. That couple redefines low drama - they are both nice and functional and use their brains. It’s as if a nice jock and a nice nerd got together and then proceeded to be wholesome all over the place.

I mean, the set up could be dramatic - our ML the prince, lost his fight for the throne and is about to be killed. The only person who stayed loyal to him is his arranged husband the aristocrat guy who ML never treated nicely since he resented marrying him (marrying a man in that world is done to remove someone from the ability to inherit the throne.) And yet the husband stood by him not out of love but beliefs in loyalty blah blah. Anyway, he transmigrates back into the past right after their wedding night and is all “I got a second chance OMG! I don’t want the throne what is even the point? I want to live a good long life and treat the only person who stood by me really well!” And he proceeds to do so to the shock of the aristocrat who had a very unpleasant wedding night and generally can tell the man he just married would rather eat nails than be married to him. But soon enough (no seriously, it’s not many chapters at all) he believes the prince is sincere blah blah and then  they get together and they pretty much become cottagecore goals.

In terms of dramas, I only do period dramas (or novels) so I am not the person to be able to recommend any modern BLs. There is a flood of upcoming (hopefully) period BL dramas but it’s relatively thin on the ground now. The two I will recommend is Word of Honor (which is AMAZING) and Winter Begonia (which I just started watching but which owns me already.) I have a tag for both - the one for the former is huge and I cannot recommend either strongly enough. I’ve heard good things about The Sleuth of the Ming Dynasty, but I am not big on mysteries so haven’t watched it for myself.

In terms of the upcoming BLs, the ones I am most looking forward to are Immortality and Winner Is King, but The Society of the Four Leaves also looks promising.

#asks #cdrama #cnovel

[bai-not-bae]

Name three feelings you’re feeling right now: High, nervous, and scared.   And the reasons for these feelings? I needed an escape from my feelings, Elisabeth would kill me if she knew I was using.  Have you heard of the band The Maine? Yeah. Couldn’t tell you any of their songs, though. <-- Me either.  Have you ever been a featured member on any website? No. How’s your hair styled right now? It’s just down.

Have you ever had any weird pets? Our pets are definitely weird, but having cats and dogs as pets isn’t unusual.  Are you currently talking to/texting/instant messaging anyone? No, just chilling on my own. Have you ever experienced insomnia? I definitely have, because it terrifies me to go to sleep at night - that’s when my demons usually emerge.  What’s your favorite song to listen to on repeat? I don’t listen to songs on repeat. What’s your favorite song to listen to when you’re just angry at the world? Probably a lot of Three Days Grace or Linkin’ Park. Do you like eggnog? No, I don’t like it.  Are there any words that you just absolutely hate? "Fluids”.  Do you feel that your previous relationships were a waste of time? No, not necessarily.  Is there a movie you’re waiting for to come out on DVD? None that I can think of right now.  What’s one thing you’ll never be seen without? My body?  Do you drop your cell phone a lot? Once in awhile, a cat will knock it over. I’m not a huge butterfingers.  Do you have an accent? Everyone has an accent of some sort.  Do you say “soda” or “pop”, or something else?  I say “soda.”  Would you ever wear Converse with a prom/formal dress? No, I definitely would not.  Have you ever worn the opposite sex’s clothing? I haven’t. I’ve worn something gender-neutral before, though. Name something you think is overrated:  Ariana Grande.  Your best friend tells you they’re gay; how do you react? I hope she’s queer at least, because she’s dating me.  Have you ever been looking for something and it was already in your hand? I’ve done that with my phone many times before.  Are you a simple or complicated person? I definitely come with multiple different layers. Is there anything about you that not many people know? I don’t go into details about the rape, pregnancy and abortion that happened to me when I was 14. And I don’t go into details about the nightmares. Not a lot of people know how much of my time I spend under the influence of something or other in order to function in day-to-day life.  Does it bother you when people spell/type incorrectly on purpose? Only if they keep alternating between lowercase and uppercase letters. I don’t think they actually misspell on purpose, they just don’t bother to check spell check and are lazy.  Do you believe global warming is actually happening? It’s definitely actually happening. It’s a real thing. Do you listen to techno? It wouldn’t be my first choice of a music genre to listen to. What’s one thing you’d like to accomplish in your lifetime? I've pretty much achieved all of my hopes and dreams thus far that are able to feasibly be accomplished.  What was the last thing you printed out on your computer? I don’t usually use the printer, that’s always Elisabeth printing everything out for work. Do you believe in reincarnation? It’s a nice idea, but I’m not sure if I actually believe in it, exactly.  Do you prefer hot chocolate with or without marshmallows? I like either marshmallows or whipped cream in my hot cocoa. Do you like screamo music? I don’t listen to screamo music. How did you meet the last person who commented you on MySpace? I don’t even have a MySpace.  Last awkward moment? I mean, those usually happen to me on a daily basis, because that’s how I roll.  Were you mad about the way you woke up this morning? No, more like anxious and terrified instead.  What was the last thing you laughed at? Probably something that I watched on the television.  When was the last time you had a REAL smile on your face? Usually when I’m around my girlfriend.  Do you like getting big hugs? Only from certain individuals. I’m very choosy about who touches me in any way, for obvious reasons.  Did anything upset you today? That’s probably an understatement, but yes.  What’s your biggest concern right now? That I’ll never be able to get over my PTSD. How many different people of the opposite sex have you cried over? Definitely one pops into my mind instantly.  Do you like silver or gold jewelry better? Sterling silver or white gold are the best. Regular cakes or cookie cakes? Both, and also...ice cream cake. As well as pie and cheesecake. What do you hate? Self-medicating and failing at therapy. Ever been to a friends house and starved the whole time? No, usually I always got fed at my friends’ houses when I was little and on play days.  Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Elisabeth. Have you ever been around someone who was high? No, actually - I prefer to get high alone and just try to chill the fuck out.  Do you prefer to call or text? Usually a phone call is just so much quicker/  Have you ever been hit by the opposite sex? That’s a loosely used term, but “yes” is the answer.  Do you use band-aids with cartoon characters on them? No, because the “regular ones” stick better.  Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them? No, but sometimes it’s awkward to run into people that you don’t want to see outside of a particular environment.  Who’s the last person you had a sleepover with? Elisabeth and I have a sleepover every night.  Do you prefer Linkin Park’s newer music, or their older music? I’m more familiar with their older music. If your significant other cheated on you, would you take them back? I don’t think so. That’d probably be a dealbreaker for me.  Right now, do you prefer just dating around, or long-term relationships? Hopefully this relationship is long-lasting.  How many different websites are you a member on? Just this one.  What was the last song you listened to? It was “Intentions” by Justin Biebers.  What are your plans for the holidays? We’ll be at my parents’ house. Is there someone that you can’t get out of your head right now? No one other than the usual. He’s permanently engraved in there, no matter how hard I try.

#survey

[someplace-that-is-else]

“Shaking It Off...?’: Is the Magicians Surviving Post-Quentin in Season Five?

 Editor’s Note: Spoilers for the current season of The Magicians lie ahead. Read at your own risk.

 I still can’t listen to it.

 Every time I was at work, the radio loved to drop in Taylor Swift. I admit it. I love Taylor Swift. It was earned respect so I won’t knocked it. However, when I heard ‘Shake It Off,’ I changed the station. Why? Because I was reminded every time.

 The Magicians Episode 4, Season 1…Quentin Coldwater in the mind asylum. Him singing it. It was a turn left moment in a somewhat serious scene that was hilarious.

 But I was always reminded when I heard the song. Now…

 Quentin Coldwater was dead.

 In case you missed it, the fourth season of The Magicians went out with a bang. In order to save the world and his friends, Quentin Coldwater sacrificed himself. It was a heartbreaking moment and yes, there were tears at the gang’s tribute to him with a cover of ‘Take on Me.’ It was also shocking because who would have thought a show would kill off their main character, the character that viewers are brought into the show by. Even ballsier? Leaving the main character dead, confirmed immediately after the episode aired that night by way of internet interviews from the producers.

 That was the world viewers were coming into walking into Season Five.  Unlike Supergirl which I dropped in Season Four due to the on-the-nose political writing, I was curious to see how the writers would play the death of their main character.

 So how was it?

 Did Someone Order an Apocalypse?: Raising the Stakes in Season Five

 After a season where magic was rationed out, this season was different. Now there was too much magic. How much? So much that people were exploding for crying out loud.

 As a result, there were plot threads being introduced. You had Penny being made a professor at Brakebills and dealing with the presence of a signal that one of his Traveler students was hearing. You had Kady struggling with being the leader of the hedgewitches while being in the middle of a mystery involving the disappearance of a book depository. Most importantly, there was a Pig running around, encountering Julia and saying an apocalypse was coming.

 Hm…the end of everything. While the Magicians has had moments that were life and death, I do not think it has actually dealt with an apocalypse. It sounded so Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And it was during one of these moments of too much magic that the apocalypse was supposed to happen.

 And this was all in light of the fact that Quentin was only dead a month. Alice, Julia, and Elliot were the ones who were hit the hardest by his passing. Julia was Quentin’s best friend. Alice was Quentin’s girlfriend. Elliot was his woulda, coulda, shoulda. But as usual, the world as they knew it needed saving.

 And there were casualties on the way to the apocalypse. Penny lost his ability to control his Traveler abilities so much so that he could accidentally kill himself now. Dean Fogg was lost to a whole dimension in Kady’s pursuit of the book depository. In the gang’s attempt to stop the apocalypse, they succeeded. But there was a BUT.

 WRONG apocalypse.

 All that struggle. Encountering goddesses with agendas. The return of evil hedge witch Marina who was behind the depository mystery. Kady almost was killed by an assassin. Elliot and Margo got stuck in a time loop.

 It was all for the wrong apocalypse. You see the Pig was talking about a whole other apocalypse that was coming. One that appeared to be tied into another plot thread from last season involving Elliot and Margo being trapped at one point in the Narniasque land of Fillory 300 years in the future and its future ruler the Dark King.

 Oops.

 The Power of Three: Character Development in Season Five

 Magic comes from pain.

 Eliot said that to Quentin in the first season. Over the course of the seasons, that has truly held up quite well. Going into Season Five, there was still plenty of it. And that brought me to the character development for Julia, Alice, and Eliot specifically. Their pain. Their grief over Quentin’s death.

 I loved Julia’s Season Four arc. The ‘is she or isn’t she still a goddess?’ arc. She had been practically redeemed in Season Three. She had sacrificed her being on a higher plane for her friends. And where did she go from here? From here led to a new relationship with Penny, getting to get close with her best friend Quentin again, and have a chance to be a full goddess again. However, that was snatched away from her by the Monster and so was Quentin. She was human again with no magic…until her pain over Quentin’s death, bringing her magic back to the surface.

 And that miracle was what was driving Julia this season. She was determined to not have Quentin’s death be in vain. She was going to stop those apocalypses. She was so determined that it was revealing cracks in her relationship with Penny. In fact, they broke up…just in time to find out that Julia was pregnant. So would Julia keep focusing on stopping apocalypses to honor Quentin’s memory, or would she focus on herself and her future which may or may not include Penny?  Oh, the dilemma…

 And then we had Alice…

 Honestly, I haven’t liked Alice since Season 2. She was cute. She was brainy. She wore glasses. And Niffin experience, while a great plot twist for those of us who hadn’t read the books, really tainted her. And any sympathy she got for her pain was destroyed by betraying the gang by helping the Library at the end of Season Three. I enjoyed everyone giving her the business in Season Four. 

So I was saddened to see Quentin take her back. Especially with someone better hanging in the wings.  

That said…the pain that Alice felt for Quentin dying. The staying in her room. Her wearing his clothes. Her trying to resurrect him. That felt real. And for the first time, Alice felt like a person again. She felt like Alice. And as the current season has progressed, a new persona has taken over: old Alice. The last few episodes had brought back the brainy, the problem solving, and dare I say it the cute Alice from the early seasons. From the darkness, she had come back into the light.

 And finally, there was Eliot. Eliot spent the majority of Season Four possessed by an ancient Monster. A Monster who was on a mission to resurrect his even more dangerous sister. In the process of Eliot trying to find a way to contact Quentin, Margo, and the gang, it was revealed that there was a scene not revealed to the audience. Back during the Season 3, Episode 5 episode “A Day in the Life,” Quentin and Eliot were trapped in a time loop of sorts and lived a whole life together. Fell in love. Had a child together. Died. In the end, quick thinking brought them back. And it was over…right?

 Wrong.

 It turned out that Quentin and Eliot had had a talk. Proof of concept. Most people took a chance when they got into a relationship. Here they had a whole lifetime and saw they worked together. So…Quentin wanted to make it real. The debatably straight character wanted to give it a go…but Eliot pulled away. Being trapped in a Monster gave Eliot that push. The push he needed to get free and tell Quentin that he was ready to give it a go.

  So of course…Quentin died.

 And just like that…they became Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Tara and Willow. They became like The 100’s Clarke and Lexa. What did I mean? I meant that the ‘Bury Your Gays’ trope struck again. You know, the trope in literature and tv where two people of the same sex cannot be happy and if they found happiness it usually ended in tragedy. And the fact that Quentin got some form of closure with Alice in terms of their relationship while he did not with Eliot was quite the tragedy for fans.

 While I personally would have liked to see some closure for those two (called Queliot by their fans) due to the relatability of their situation (which happened more in real life than people thought), I was pleased to see that in the latest season that Eliot was definitely dealing with his unsolved feelings about Quentin. Not only did he find some closure to it, he even got to some closure with Alice as well since they had quite a bit to deal with between each other. Bonus, Eliot had been bantering with the Dark King, this season’s potential Big Bad who happened to be flirting with Eliot.

 A happy ending for our resident gay man? This is The Magicians. So…iffy. LOL!!! Especially after that reveal in Episode 9.  So time would tell how the relationship between Eliot and Sebastian the Dark King would resolve itself.

 Speaking of…

 Pieces of a Puzzle: Using Plot Threads that Work Well in Season Five

 While a lot of the seasonal plot arc had to do with the gang dealing with apocalypses, there was also the arc having to do with the Dark King who usurped Margo’s rule of Fillory. Fans got to meet him in a clever introduction during Alice’s and Eliot’s quest to give closure to Quentin. Thus, the tension between Sebastian the Dark King and Eliot began.

 In another blog I did ( https://someplace-that-is-else.tumblr.com/post/183733192088/well-fuck-how-i-fell-into-syfys-the ), I mentioned that protagonists were only as good as their antagonists. The more complex the antagonist, the better. And if the Dark King was to be the main villain this season, the writers did him right. On one hand, there was the burgeoning relationship between him and Eliot and the fact that Fillory worshipped him for his ability to push back the invading Takers. On the other hand, it was revealed HE was behind the Takers being in Fillory in the first place and was immortal to being killed. Add on to that the reveal in Episode 9:  Sebastian was one of the Chatwin siblings, brother to the Beast…

...still the best villain in this series. His goal:  to resurrect his lost love. Given the gang was dealing with the aftermath of Quentin’s death, how could they not relate? How could we? Things were more murky.

 Meanwhile, there was the mystery of the signal. As mentioned earlier, the increase in magic meant there were a lot of new traveler magicians coming into their abilities with no one to guide/teach them. Enter Penny the only Traveler alive to tell the tale. At first Penny was reluctant, but he attempted to. That was how he met Plum, one of his students who was hearing the mysterious signal. In the process of hearing the signal, Penny lost his abilities. And to add on to the mystery…Plum...

... was ALSO a Chatwin. Whom daughter…Jane, the Beast aka Martin or Sebastian…remained to be seem.

 And then there were two.

 Finally, there was the world seed. I had greatly enjoyed seeing Alice morph back into her brainy persona that I remembered from the first two seasons. At the same time, she had started a bantering friendship with another magician who was some expert in possibilities. And from some notes left around by Quentin, Alice and this student had been creating a world seed. The belief…that it could create a whole new world. Leave it to Quentin to be gone, but NOT forgotten.

 How that would come into play with Plum, the Dark King’s plans, and the Fillory apocalypse was too early to know. It was recently announced by the SyFy Channel that they had cancelled The Magicians. Insert eyeroll here given my colorful history with SyFy. However, the producers of The Magicians have always mentioned that they wanted to adapted the last book in the series The Magicians’s Land for one of their seasons. And all signs of what I knew to happen in the book revealed this current season was loosely based on that book (in the book Quentin was still alive for example). So it would be interesting to see how it all ended for everyone.

 With a bang…or a whimper?

  #themagicians #syfychannel #syfy #whoorderedanapocalypse #buffythevampireslayer #buffyreference #glory #seasonfive #taylorswift #quentincoldwater #shakeitoff #aha #takeonme #apocalypse #supergirl #raisingthestakes #plotthreads #characterdevelopment #grief #queliot #writing #narnia #darkking #magic #buryyourgays #powerofthree #puzzlepieces #signal #seed #withabang #withawhimper

#the magicians #syfy channel #syfy #whoorderedanapocalypse #buffy the vampire slayer #buffyreference #glory #seasonfive #taylorswift #quentin coldwater #shakeitoff #aha #takeonme #apocalypse #supergirl #raisingthestakes #plotthreads #character development #grief #queliot #writing #narnia #darkking #bury your gays #magic #powerofthree #puzzlepieces #signal #seed #withabang

[loserslibrary]

pairing: Stanley Uris/Richie Tozier [Stozier] warnings: illusions to major character death/canon compliant  written by: Amy rating: Teen word count: 2,059 prompt: “may i get some stozier? maybe richie or Stan coming out to the other for the first time angsts  with happy ending”

Richie wasn’t sure how, but at some point throughout his years growing up in Derry, Maine, he had acquired a habit of climbing in his friends bedroom windows instead of using the door. Maybe it was because of Eddie’s mother, and the fact that she hated his guts, so he had to use the window there, but he couldn’t be sure. This was how he found himself climbing into his best friend, Stan’s, bedroom which was thankfully on the first floor of his home.

“Staniel, thank goodness you’re awake!” Richie crowed as he pushed himself inside, closing the frame behind him and flopping down onto the bed next to Stan. A deep sigh came from his friend and Richie looked up to see him watching him over the top of the book he was reading. “Am I interrupting something?”

Stan shook his head, “Not necessarily, but I was in the middle of a really good part of the book so I suppose in a way, yes you are. What brings you here at...ten in the evening on a school night?” Stan was staring at him fully now, the book cast aside on the bed. He crossed his arms. “Everything okay?”

Richie chewed on his bottom lip, the reason for him barging in so late on his friend’s quiet time still fresh in his mind. He had been at the arcade, as he normally was when trying to avoid homework. The place still left a bitter taste in his mouth since the summer of 1989, but over time he had fallen back into his same old routine. That is, until that night, when the past came to bite him in the ass. He was so lost in his thoughts he didn’t even hear Stan repeat his name. “Huh?”

“What’s going on?” Stan asked, his expression a little softer this time as he moved closer to Richie, a hand settling on his knee. At the action, Richie jumped a little and groaned internally, and Stan’s frown deepened.  “Rich?”

There were a few reasons that Richie had chosen Stan out of all the losers to confide in about his internal problem. Not only was Stan a fantastic listener, but he was also honest and honesty was something Richie really needed at that moment. There was also the fact that Richie had a little bit more of a connection with Stan than he did with the rest of his friends, even though he loved them all dearly.

“Henry’s cousin is back in town,” Richie finally muttered, looking down at his lap. Stan had removed his hand from his knee and it was sitting on the bed a few inches away. Richie tried to ignore the way he wanted it to be back on his leg, grounding him. “Connor.”

“Okay?” Stan prompted, waiting for Richie to continue. When it was clear that it was going to take a little more than that, he sighed. “What about him? Did he bother you or something?”

Richie looked up then, his eyes wide behind his large glasses and shook his head, “No- No he didn’t bother me or anything.” He ran a hand through his hair. “He uh- he kissed me actually. Out back when I was having a smoke.” He looked down after the confession and then back up at Stan’s somewhat shocked expression. Yet, Richie wasn’t done. “He kissed me and…and I liked it.”

As he spoke, his thoughts drifted back to that moment an hour ago outside the arcade. He had seen Connor come in to the arcade, but had focused on his round of Street Fighter instead, trying not to bring any unwanted attention to himself, especially after what happened the last time. However, fate hadn’t been on his side, as Connor had approached him, starting up a casual conversation, asking him how he had been. Not wanting to be rude, Richie had replied and they ended up talking about a lot of things.

Then Richie had excused himself to go for a smoke, and a few minutes later before he had even lit up his cigarette, Connor was outside with him and they were kissing. It wasn’t even a gentle kiss at that, it was tongue, teeth and rather dirty, the two of them grinding against one another in the back of the alleyway outside the arcade.

To Richie, it felt good.

The only reason they parted was because of the sound of voices coming from inside the arcade, and the last thing they wanted was to be caught in a tryst with each other as Richie already had a reputation of being a faggot. If this got back to Henry about Connor being with Richie, the reactions would not be most welcome.

“Say something, Stan…” Richie whispered as the silence became too much to ignore. “I need you to say something, or do something because this silence is killing me.”

Stan blinked and ran a hand through his hair, “Is this your way of telling me you like boys?” He asked. “Because if you are then, Richie, it’s completely fine. You know that neither I nor anyone else would judge you for being gay or even bisexual.”

At the second word, Richie tilted his head to the side in confusion, “Bisexual?”

“You know, when someone likes both girls and boys? Bisexual. Bill’s uncle is bisexual, even though he’s with a man right now.” Stan explained and Richie’s jaw dropped a little. Everyone knew about Bill’s uncle James and how he had chosen to settle down with another man even though they couldn’t legally get married. Richie had no idea that he liked women too. “You didn’t know that was a thing?”

Slowly, Richie shook his head negative, “I- I didn’t know that was a thing;  but Stan…I don’t think I’m attracted to women. In fact, I am definitely not attracted to women. I am very much attracted to men and I feel, fuck I don’t know how I feel.”

“Scared?” Stan offered, this time placing his hand over the top of Richie’s and immediately Richie felt a calmness wash over him and he relaxed into the bed. He felt a little pathetic being a seventeen year old boy, soothed by the touch of his closest, best friend. At that, Richie’s brain came to a halt and his heart made a little jump in his chest.

Oh. Oh fuck. He liked Stan.

“Yeah,” Richie croaked eventually, the realisation settling in his brain, making his normal strong voice weak and small. “Yeah, I’m scared Stan. Absolutely terrified.”

And Richie was.

* * * * *

It had been a week since Richie had come out to Stan, and at the same time realised that he had feelings for his best friend. In that week, Richie had not only avoided Stan, but the rest of the losers as well, which left everyone talking. For the most part, Richie managed to ignore it, but even he had to admit that he missed his friends….he missed Stan.

So a week after his confession, Richie found himself alone at the kissing bridge, legs dangling over the edge as he rested his chin on the wood. He held his dad’s pocket knife in his hand as he debated on whether or not to do what he had come all the way out here for. Before he could think about it further though, there was a new presence next to him.

Richie turned his head to the side and smiled a little as he realised it was Stan. “Hey,” he whispered, breaking the silence and Stan turned his head to face Richie, his eyebrow raised.

“Why have you been avoiding us?” Stan asked. He mentioned the other losers in his question, but Richie was no fool, he knew that Stan really wanted to know why Richie was avoiding him. “Is it because of what you told me last week? Because I told you Richie, that I don’t care who you like, you’ll always be my friend.”

At the word, Richie winced a little but nodded his head. “It’s not because of that, Stan. I mean- it kind of is but I haven’t been avoiding you because I think you think any less of me. I know you would be honest with me, which is one of the reasons why I came to you in the first place. That, and you’re my best friend.”

Stan smiled at that and they fell into a somewhat comfortable silence. The kissing bridge was a little far from town, so only occasionally a car would drive past. No-one really batted an eyelid at them though, since everyone knew that Richie and Stan were the best of friends.

“You know, what you did last week, telling me about Connor? That was really mature and brave of you Richie,” Stan whispered after a few more moments of silence. “I never thought I’d say that to you, but I mean it. I’m glad you told me.” Richie turned to look at Stan, sensing that there was something else his friend had to say. “I wanted to say this last week, but I’m not as brave as you so I chickened out.”

Richie raised his eyebrows in surprise and curiosity, tilting his head to the side, “What is it Stan the Man? Open up, tell me all your woes.”

“I like boys too,” Stan spoke quietly, his cheeks a little red. “I have known for a while though, but I was too scared to tell anyone. Until now. I guess I’m feeding off of your new found courage to speak the truth.”

Out of all the things that Richie thought Stan would say, this was not one of them. His jaw dropped a little and he stared at him, trying to figure out how he hadn’t realised before now. “You- you do?”

Stan nodded his head once and in another unexpected move, he reached over and laced his fingers with Richie’s, a bashful smile on his lips. Richie felt his cheeks heat up and he turned his head to look down at the water flowing under the bridge, trying to will himself to calm down. “We can’t do anything about this now, not while we’re still in Derry. If anyone finds out, we’ll both be dead.” Stan stopped and cleared his throat. “After we leave though, if you still feel the same, then maybe we can try?”

All Richie could do was nod his head. If need be, he’d wait a lifetime for Stanley Uris.

* * * * *

A choked sob escaped forty-year old Richie Tozier’s lips as he approached the kissing bridge, his body now free of the blood and grime that had covered him when he was down in the Sewers. They had done it, they had finally defeated the evil clown that had hunted them as children. They had defeated it and saved so many lives…but at what cost?

The cost of both Eddie Kaspbrak and Stanley Uris’ lives. A big price to pay, Richie would add bitterly.

Now that he was back in the cursed town he had grown up in, all the memories that had been covered over with a veil were now back at the front of his mind, making his chest and heart ache more that it had ever done in his whole life. How he remembered telling Stan he was gay, and then how Stan had told him he had feelings for him- in a very Stan way, of course.

How they had promised they would try once they’d gotten the hell out of Derry. Yet the second they both crossed the town lines, in completely different directions, all the memories of that promise had gone with the wind, trapped in the town of Derry. Now Richie had nothing but the distant memory of his best friend, etched as best as he could in the back of his mind. Another bitter thought entered Richie’s mind right at that moment. He never got to see what Stan looked like as an adult.

It was then, for the first time since he had given up in 1996, that Richie Tozier needed a cigarette.

#stozier #stozier fic #stanley uris #richie tozier #ours #by amy #ours: stozier #canon compliant #angst #coming out

[multimetaverse]

HSMTMTS 1x08 Review

The Tech Rehearsal was a great ep. Let’s dig in!

Great Rini scenes tonight that did some heavy lifting to get them back to a place where they can almost be open with their feelings. Richard Bowen and Nina Salazar- Roberts being the reason the other goes by Nini and Ricky? Reader, that’s the cutest shit I’ve ever seen. The show really brought out the big guns with them knowing each other since Kindergarten. I think most of the casual audience is now shipping Rini, if they hadn’t already, so mission accomplished for the writers

Tim said on instagram that the writers wanted to show that Ricky and Nini had known each other since Kindergarten and it makes sense to use the Troyella rooftop scene and Gabriella’s line about meeting someone in Kindergarten and just becoming friends and use that to tie it all together. But it does somewhat conflict with Kourtney and Nini’s convo in 1x05 that made it sound like Nini only met Ricky in 7th grade. Now it’s true that Kourtney may have just meant it in the sense that 7th grade was when Nini started to have feelings for Ricky but if that’s the case then the writing should have been more clear

As Nini sang in All I Want, EJ is perfect on paper and in Miss Jenn’s notes she wrote that EJ was the perfect Troy on paper; it’s like poetry it rhymes

This is the second ep in a row where a main cast member has been missing. I do wonder if the writers felt that they had done too much work with Rina and keeping Gina off screen was the easiest way to set up a return to Rini. The writers have never been subtle when it comes to ending ships; when it came time to remove EJ as Nini’s love interest they quickly villainized him. I don’t think they want to undo the good work they’ve done redeeming Gina so keeping her off screen is the next best thing

EJ and Carlos had a fun dynamic. EJ trying to emote was so funny as was him stealing Miss Jenn’s notes, it really is his signature move. Matt Cornett does really well playing a dope. I liked that he gave Carlos a confidence boost. Nice to hear Carlos speaking Spanish

Also we now know that Carlos Surname is Carlos Rodriguez. Rodriguez, which means son of Roderick and originated from the Visigoths who conquered Spain, is the 4th most common surname in Spain but it also seems likely that the writers had never decided on Carlos’ last name and just gave him Frankie’s last name which is lazy

EJ Caswell is suffering from Lucas Friar and Jonah Beck syndrome; the handsome, athletic, and kind of ditzy love interest for the main girl who really doesn’t have much else going on when they’re not being shipped with the main girl. Lucas never really got much development but the writers could rely on Farkle to help balance out the show and in S3 the GMW became the Riley and Maya show so it didn’t really matter what Lucas got up to anyways. Andi Mack suffered greatly from never developing Jonah, especially in S3 once he was no longer Andi’s love interest his plot line was a total trainwreck. What made things worse is that the the writers couldn’t build up Cyrus like the GMW writers could build up Farkle since Cyrus’ story was restricted because he was gay. Luckily HSMTMTS has plenty of main characters and is less restricted so it doesn’t drag the show down so much that EJ is just kind of there. I also wonder if the fact that EJ is a senior plays a role in this, sure they can do S2 as the spring musical but what about S3 when EJ would be graduated? If he won’t be on the show long term then there’s no real pressure to develop him or give him that much to do

Big Red appearing behind Miss Jenn was the funniest moment of the ep for me. I also love every time we hear an adult refer to Big Red as Big Red because it’s just so silly

Big Ashlyn (I think that’s their shipname) remains cute. Very smooth of Ashlyn to use Big Red’s compliment to flirt with him

Loved The Role of a Lifetime, Lucas did great, nice little nod to Kate having played Glinda, and loved the ‘’contractually obligated dream sequence’’ line

Interesting motif of ruins tonight. The El Rey theatre is in ruins, on stage the backdrop is a ruined Roman city, and Miss Jenn must face the fact that her acting career and dreams are in ruins before she can start rebuilding her life

Dara can really sing, it’s hard to believe that Kourtney was just supposed to be a one off role. I thought her initial reaction to Nini potentially leaving was realistic but I’m not sure her calling the Dean to come and watch Nini perform was the right move to make it up to Nini

I liked the little Seb and Kourtney interaction. I know there’s been a lot of speculation that they’re setting up a genderfluid Seb story line but I’m deeply skeptical that’s something Disney would allow. And if they were willing to do that then I don’t think they would have allowed Seb to become a main character in S2

I really liked that Gina told Ricky via text that she would have to leave earlier than planned and that Nini told Kourtney and Ricky that she was interested in going to YAC. It was awful in Andi Mack when Buffy left early without telling her friends and then ghosted them for what was supposed to be two months in universe and it was weird that Andi never told any of her friends about SAVA so I’m glad HSMTMTS isn’t making the same mistakes

Looking Ahead:

Just for a Moment sounds great, Joshua and Olivia did such a great job. It’s great that Tim is giving the actors a chance to write their own songs, I hope we see more of it in future seasons. From a video Joshua shared on twitter we can see that they were working on the song during the filming of 1x02. The song must have been selected before 1x08 was written since Nini’s line that it was just a moment is clear set up for the song

The YAC dean is in the audience, does Nini flee and its Ricky who finds her which is why EJ is singing part of breaking free? Or is Ricky gone because he sees his mom in the audience?

How Gina’s move gets undone will be interesting to see. For Andi Mack at least they could say that government cutbacks led the Driscolls to return but if Gina’s mom has to follow natural disasters then it wouldn’t be so easy to just move her back to SLC

The show is flirting with disaster with the YAC plot. If Nini gets in then she will inevitably have to eventually return to East High and in the meantime she’ll be cut off from all the other characters and whatever focus YAC gets will necessarily take away from whatever is going on in East High. There’s a reason Andi Mack only introduced the SAVA plot in the final few eps, there would have been no way to actually pull that off if the series was going to continue 

I really do hope we get something with Seblos in the final two eps. 1x05 was great and I’m happy that they were able to do so much textual stuff already but that shouldn’t be an excuse to not touch on it further. I’m sure that with Seb being a main in S2 we’ll get more but we need more now in S1

Until next week  ep Wildcats

#HSMTMTS #Rini #Ricky Bowen #Nini Salazar-Roberts #EJ Caswell #Miss Jenn #carlos rodriguez #kourtney #seb mathew-smith #HSMTMTS Reviews

[franeridart]

Hey! So sorry if you already answered this but what application and tablet do you use??

I use Easy Paint Tool SAI and a pretty old wacom intuos tablet! Both questions are answred in my faq, actually~

Anon said:You. You awesome person. You are my new fav artist. 💘💘💘

AW thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:I love your art and the style, it’s all so cute and it might give me a heart attack

He c k let’s hope not! Thank you so so much!!! ;^;

Anon said:hey, can ya do more tokage, pls

Sure, I mean to draw more 1B in the future anyway~

Anon said:nori is soo adorable!! I love your art and seromina so much and seeing them combined makes me mega happy!!! I gotta ask though, how are sero and mina as parents and how do they handle nori’s quirk?

They’re disasters as parents but they try their best and are always having fun - Nori adores them! In their house not a minutes goes by without someone laughing, they’re all super loud and cheerful always~ neither of them has any problem dealing with Nori’s quirk, Sero has spent a whole lifetime learning how to deal with sticky stuff and tape and glue so he knows all the tricks to save clothes and furniture from accidental quirk usage and so on, while Mina’s own quirk makes it easy to counter any glue that might end on her - the main thing actually is that the quirk itself was a surprise! Since Nori looks a lot like Mina, both she and Sero had expected her to have acid like Mina so when she started gluing herself around in places and walking along walls and stuff it was a surprise (they had expected to have to deal with the house being constantly half destroyed by acid though, so glue is nothing compared to that haha)

Anon said:Heyy I saw your twitter account and was wondering if you could link some of those “fics about them boys sharing a bed..“ I’ve been following you for a while now and absolutely love your work (: I hope you don’t mind lol. I need more kiribaku in my life gahaha ❤️ thanks !!

I didn’t really bookmark any and most were old things I had read in the past and spent time rereading lately, but the newest one I read is this one - honestly though at this point 99% of the fics set in the dorms have them sharing a bed, you just need to open ao3 and scroll down less than a page to find stuff lol

Anon said:If you’re not an Adventure Time fan this ask will make no sense to you (so skip it), but when I saw your drawing of Katsuki with a guitar, I immediately thought he was singing some edgy Marceline song, like the teasing-aggressive “I wanna bury you in the ground / I wanna bury you with my sound” (which he actually says at some point I think XD) or the romantic and melancholic “Slow Dance with You” and Eijirou M-E-L-T-S.

Not an AT fan, but the concept is adorable so I’m keeping the ask anyway

Anon said:Do you think you might draw more of your fantasy AU children while you’re playing with you’re new pencil tool? It would be neat if you did! Regardless, I’m grateful for anything you draw!

Yup! Can’t promise when it’ll happen but I love the fantasy AU and I love childhood friends AU, so the chances of me going back on it are pretty high!

Anon said:Are you going to draw Mako and Taiyou again? They are so wonderful.

YAH that’s definitely in the near future plans! Thank you for liking them!!

Anon said:I just…I love all your art. It’s so amazing you’re awesome

THANK YOU SO MUCH !!!! ;^;

Anon said:Stavo scorrendo il tuo blog e ho notato che hai risposto ad una domanda in italiano? Ho seriamente pensato fossi inglese tutto questo tempo! Amo seriamente i tuoi disegni, i tuoi oc sono meravigliosi e non vedo l'ora di scoprire più di loro.

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH grazie infinite omfg ;^; specialmente per i miei oc, è sempre incredibile per me sapere che alla gente piacciono abbastanza da volerli vedere di più ;^;

Anon said:Hewwo! I’m a huge fan of your artwork!! I was wondering if you have any time could you draw some more of those dorm room scenarios?

Anon I’m sorry but I need you to be more specific, which dorm room scenarios are you talking about? Most of my comics at this point are set in the dorms hahaha

Anon said:I just noticed that on every artwork you sign “do not repost” and I hate it.I don’t hate that you do it, but the fact you NEED to do it. Artists all over the Internet say to not repost their art but people still do it…I hope this will stop someday Sorry for my english btw

Yeah well, I guess as long as people keep on following and giving notes to reposters that’s not really gonna change is it orz

Anon said:You should draw Present Mic x Aizawa *awkward finger guns*

Hell I really should, shouldn’t I

Anon said:my god im gay for your kiribaku like they’re so good aibdjsbsknwnx and i love the interactions between the bakusquad ahh keep being awesome :)

HECK THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!

Anon said:Honestly, this might be an odd question I don’t know, but would you ever consider putting your art together in a art book to sell? Cause to be honest, there’s not a piece by you that I don’t adore and I’ve seen some artist do things like that before so I didn’t know if that was something you’d consider. Maybe like all your BNHA pieces or something?

It’s not like I never considered it? It’s more like I dunno how worth all the work to figure out how to make it/where to print it and then to actually make it would be compared to the interest people would have in buying something they can have for free on my blog? It’s just doodles after all haha

Anon said:Would you be willing to draw a little lavi (dgm) doodle for me? Anything tiny, I just love him and your art!!!

I’m not doing requests right now, sorry, but soon enough the new chapter is coming out so I might draw him around then!!! I always fall in a serious dgm mood around the time of the chapter release haha

Anon said:More abuse of the ask function: 1- I love your art and have been for months. On top of that, it often feels cathartic, which is amazing to me. 2- I love how balanced you can make KiriBaku. You even manage to make me appreciate that overrated attention hogger that is Bakugou, you can handle him so much better than the author, because your character dynamics make so much more sense!! 3- I always, ALWAYS find myself reading through all your tags. They’re awesome. Thank you for everything.//Avevo finito lo spazio nell'ask precedente, so I’d only like to add that aside from cutie-smoochy (“It’s not about whether you break” and “I don’t need you” might be my favorite, and for what’s worth, I remember writing something exactly like the latter in the past), you also make mu burst into laughter. Like, the comic where Katsuki is about to out Eijirou on his red hair, I am still rolling. Kiri’s giant mouth is seriously hysterical XD

Thank you for the compliments!! I’m glad I can make you like a character and a relationship you’re not much of a fan of in the actual manga? ? ? Bakugou’s actually one of my favorite characters ever though so………. maybe……….don’t offend him and the way Horikoshi writes him while talking to me………….orz

Anon said:I am starved for Bakukamikiri stuff in this fandom……..But you got some good shit.

I’m!!! happy to be able to help there!!!! haha

Anon said:They mama Mitsuki art you drew 👏💯💖☺️💕👌 I love your art so much

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:Yessssss you have Twitter! It is boring at the beginning but then you’ll love it! I can’t wait to see you here and there! Now all my Bakushima favorite artist have one I can die of happiness!!

I’m!!!!!!!!!! Still trying to figure it out but!!!!!!!! For now it’s not that bad? Just!!! Very different from tumblr so I’ll need to get used to it first!!!!

Anon said:Omg do u shade jirous hair like its a heartbeat line? Dhdisbdisb thats so fuckibg good

THANK she actually has it in canon too, tho, so I can’t take credit for this!!!

Anon said:Im crying on how you draw kirishima’s soft hair

S O B I’m glad you like it!! ;^;

Anon said:Can I ask what your stance is on bakugo’s mom being abusive and sorry if you’ve answered this before

I love Mitsuki with my whole heart and while I don’t think she’s perfect I do think she’s loving and caring and trying her best and always looking out for what’s best for Bakugou 👍 no abuse anywhere, for me

Anon said:OMG I LOVE SEROMINA LOVE CHILD NORI

Thank you for liking her???? heck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:I wish I could use your art for my phone’s background ;^; You’re amazing! I love youuuuuuuuuu

No one’s stopping you from doing that, anon!!! Unless you don’t have a phone that allows you backgrounds, in which case ;-; thank you for liking my stuff that much tho!!

Anon said:Hey! I followed you way back when your main output was haikyuu!! comics and once you started putting out more bnha, i had to unf because i had no idea who everyone was rip. but now that ive finally had the chance to watch it i’m glad to come back and see how much you’ve improved!

HECK THANK YOU???? I’m glad you decided to come back????? oh man that’s super flattering !!!

Anon said:Yolo bakusquad bakubowl ?

I don’t really like the whole concept of [character]bowl, sorry!

Anon said:I absolutely adore your art style😍 every time I see your art it makes me happy:)

THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:Can you draw Hawks and Tokoyami together? You are rlly creative and amazing! So I believe you will produce sth. awesome!!!! (If you don’t want to draw Hawks, could you draw a Tokoyami fusion?)

I can draw that! I’m just waiting to know how tall Hawks is compared to him before doing that 👍 be patient pls relative heights are something I’m stupidly fussy about 

Anon said:Burn the whole world to ashes for you? R U serius?! You always killing me dude. I ascended to the heaven of soft things. I N C R E D I B L E. Im sorry for the break down, i was without tumblr 2 months and the firts thing i do is go to your profile. Keep doing this plis im trully love it 😭💖

mAN I’m so glad you liked that one this much, drawing the boys being unreasonably soft with each other is my fav thing to do tbh !!!

Anon said:Omg I can totally imagine Nori and bakushima’s daughter being friends!!!

THEY ARE !!!!!!!

Anon said:Your seromina is amazing!!! I love that ship I feel like it is so underrated! Thank you for this blessed image!! 😭

No prob!! thank you for liking it!!!!!!! I’ve been in such a seromina mood lately, I might actually draw more soon enough!!

Anon said:Omg imagine a Tetsuwase love child. Something tells me they’d be adorable and one rather angry child, considering who their fathers are

I can see them as being quiet and grumpy………. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Anon said:Hey just wanted to tell you I love your art. It’s so soft and beautiful. My dad doesn’t ship any characters from the series, but he does like the series and he thinks your art and style are really pleasing. We were talking about how nicely you shade and that the style is well developed and lovely to look at. Thanks for making such great art that makes me smile and giving me and my dad yet another thing to bond over.

YO THAT’S SUCH A COOL THING TO HEAR!!!! Thank you to both you and your dad for liking my stuff????? h e c k !!!!!

Anon said:Thanks to you I started reading haikyuu.

I hope you’re enjoying it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#fran answers #so much chatter yo #hope I didn't miss anyone !!! <3 #anonymous

[seenashwrite]

Nash Watches & Rates Cheesy Hallmark & Lifetime Winter Movies So You Don’t Have To

(a.k.a. -  Nash Records Her Viewings Of Hallmark & Lifetime Winter Movies, which are fanfic in visual form & are gold. And yes, it’s a apparently a legit sub-genre. Best I can tell, if it’s not Christmas or Valentines, and there’s snow, then it goes. Spoilers abound.)

ETA: This adventure is now moving to @seenashblog, so my SPN peeps can rest assured they’ll not be exposed to this any longer - I have a feeling I’ll not be done purging my soul for awhile yet #bless my heart

As per last time during the Christmas round-ups, 4 and 5 stars mean the best of the lot, 3 stars means it’s not necessarily a waste of your time, 2 stars is up to your discretion, and 1 star means it is time you will never get back.

Here we go.

Winter Castle (people you've never heard of - Hallmark)

Holy shit, cliché on parade and nobody can act?! Jack-friggin'-pot. Zero chemistry amongst anyone, from family to friendship to romance?! Hot damn.

So they're all at this place for a destination wedding (a.k.a, Selfish And Life-Disrupting And Huge Expense For Guests Thing And Oh Here’s Our Registry Too, come at me brah), and everyone is staying in a hotel. HA! KIDDING! They're all in this giant faux igloo, and by "faux" I mean there are these church-esque doors in what is, I guess, a specially-flown-in iceberg on land. Google tells me it’s an actual place. 

Anyway, through the doors you'll find hallways (that have people carved into them, not creepy at all) which are lined with rooms. Suites? I never saw a bathroom door, doesn't damn matter, nobody poos in Hallmark's world. Oh, also, for lighting, we have Target pillar candles, then everything's backlit in '80s neon:

Are they shitting me?

But that's beside the point. Point is, it may be pretty to look at but in execution, it's stupid. No way people haven’t had to peace out and find a new joint to stay in because of near or actual hypothermia. Based on the warm, cozy, wood-floored, windowed, staircase-and-balcony-having rehearsal dinner area in a large building with stone wall exterior, this hotel actually has some, y'know, hotel to it. Lodge? Who cares, but I bring it up because of the standard precocious child who is there to bring everybody together whilst turning into a popsicle.

The poor kid is bundled within an inch of her life, dumb bunny-eared toboggan to puffy jacket, and is burrito'd in a sleeping bag, with a quilt on this bed that looks to be carved out of ice, as well, and I say "as well" because our leading lady is shown frequently perched on what looks to be a chair carved out of ice (fur puffy thing for ass protection) with her laptop on a table carved out of ice when she's face-timing her Not Gay Male Best Friend in a bow-tie and sweater vest back home, and - bonus! - he doubles as The One Person Of Color. Now, if memory serves, legit igloos made by actual First Nation(s) folks (meaning both Canadian and American - specifically, Alaskan - and probs any groups that found themselves in the way-way-North in the way-back-when and had to come up with this genius or, you know, die) are actually pretty damn warm once the fire gets cranking. Not to say you don't keep some fierce socks and gloves on, that's plain smart, but enclosed space with heat is enclosed space with heat - just don't lick the walls. That's good advice, igloo or otherwise. 

On that topic, via the article linked above, says one of the actresses:

"It's like an igloo," Mullen told the Standard. "The further you go into the hotel, it gets colder and colder. As you walk down the hallway into the different rooms, it's just getting into your bones." She said every time they called "Cut!," everyone would put on jackets to warm up. 

She’s incorrect - that’s not like an igloo. It’s too big, that’s why it doesn’t stay warm. I have *zero* desire to go to this place. That sounds like Dante’s Frosty The Snowman circle of hell. I digress.

I say all that to say, this movie is straight dumb because the script is basic bitch, they were leaning on the location and hard. It gets a star because they tried in the sense that they did use a unique setting, but the rest was neglected (the story and the casting). Everything else was so blaaaaaand, and the acting was so stilted and unnatural, and they cast the mother with someone who looks the exact same age as the lead gal/her sister (the bride), and then there’s this one chick character who was so pathetically desperate, and the leading man was such a pussy who wouldn't make a fucking decision, and they had our leading lady be all *sniffle* and tolerating that shit AND SHE JUST MET HIM BY THE WAY, and I just.... ugh.

1/5 stars

.

Royal Matchmaker (Bethany Joy Lenz - Hallmark)

This isn't an "official" Winter '19 jam, google tells me it's from the '18 spring movies, but everybody's bundled up, so I'm calling bullshit. It ain't half-bad, despite the fact that it's a “royal” one, who’d-a-thunk? There was one over Christmas that got a 4 (see link up top), and I never would’ve predicted it. But that was an oldie-goldie, this is now. This one has the traditional royal romance beats and, no shit, the sidekick is the same one from another "royal", the absolutely horrid "Christmas At The Palace”, from Christmas ‘18. I cannot reiterate how bad that movie was - not "My Christmas Love" bad, but bad.

All right, so - she’s a matchmaker from NYC, which is at least a new take on what's coming next - and you guessed it, a prince HAS to get married or some reason, even though it's mentioned they are under a Parliamentary system and not a monarchy, but he still has to because it's the 17th century, oh wait no it’s not. The king, who is from a random made-up locale (*sigh*) has hired her (and said partner) to find a suitable wife for his son, who’s presented as the typical eligible rich bachelor, and “presented as” is the key phrase. It’s one of the things I like about this plot, but it doesn't outweigh the bleeeccchhh.

For one, it wears me out, the making-up of countries. It’s distracting. If you’re gonna do royalty, the right move is to have the royal not be a king/prince but make it a duke/duchess jam, refer to the locale vaguely as a duchy in England or Ireland or Scotland or Sweden or Norway or whatever Americans will fall for, 'cause as a rule, Americans aren't typically hip to other countries' jams. Hell, say someone is a prince/princess, but it’s more in inherited title only - that’s what the 4 from the Christmas list did right. Nobody called him “Prince Whatever”, he wasn’t presented as this hot commodity, it was a nothing burger, we didn’t even find out that he had the title til near the end of the movie. I’ve digressed, back to this flick.

I detest the royal garb they’ve got lead dude in at the conclusion, it looks like you or I waltzed into Party City and slapped down $30 and walked back to the set. It’s ill-tailored and in too-bright colors and is, again, something utterly distracting that could've been avoided, and same with the king’s, too-small jacket to too-long length of slacks. All the women, including our main gal, are in prom dresses straight off the rack from Sears and J.C. Penney’s. This is not praise. The men are all in identical rented tuxedos with clip bow-ties. Thanks, I hate it.

I mean, and I hate that there’s a ball at the end at all, but it goes hand-in-hand with the core premise, which is that they’re on a tight schedule - ol’ Bethany has 4 weeks. They, of course, fall in love with one another, and props to casting because these two look good together and have decent chemistry, but that could be because Lenz knocks these movies out of the park - this is the third... maybe the fourth... that I’ve seen with her - she elevates everything she’s in. When I mentioned her to a friend, I was told she also elevated some shitty TV show that I never watched, so perhaps you are already familiar with her.

Anyhow, once again there’s too much filler and the ending draaaaaaags and then BOOM it’s done in the last three minutes, which is standard for these movies (both Lifetime and Hallmark), I’d say, about 95% of the time. The story was good in that the prince wasn’t a typical playboy and he kept his philanthropic side a secret because he didn’t want press invading these small villages and whatever he was helping rebuild - he genuinely likes getting his hands dirty and he actually knows how to do shit, he fixes a radiator at a community center at one point. Eh. I dunno. It had such potential in the front half, then just shit the bed in the back half, so it was half of a waste of my time. But you may dig it. It's far from the worst of Hallmark's offerings but, again, I think it's because of Lenz, she's the only thing getting it up from a 1/5.

2/5 stars

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Oh… oh mah… what the... we interrupt the winter fare for what looks like a rando that’s snuck in and christ on a cracker, no. No. No. NO. The summary:

A woman begins an online relationship with a famous photographer, not realizing that she is actually communicating with the man’s young son.

This caught my ear because as I was sitting here writing up the last movie, it came on, and I hear this woman’s voice, her typing (so it’s her voice in her mind), then a man’s voice (as she’s reading), and I looked up when the man’s voice started switching to a kid’s (boy’s) voice back and forth every sentence or so - and then I looked at that summary, and….

NO

"Chance at Romance", it's called –> 0/5 stars, I don’t even need to watch it, what a stupid garbage fucking premise, and it’s gross, and I hope that shit kid gets punished, like as in, no computer til he's old enough to own his own home and pay for his own internet, because scumbag kid. If he has the balls to pull this catfishing shitstorm on a fucking adult and gets away with it, what the fuck will he do to manipulate girls his own age? Gross. IT’S A GROSS PREMISE YOU GREETING CARD FUCKTARDS

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Love On Ice (Andrew Walker, who's in every fourth movie, and  the lead chick's familiar her name is Julie Berman - Hallmark)

Former pro skater, now teaching - don't worry, it's not the aforementioned “Christmas At The Palace”, despite the similar M.O. - and decides to go for one last run at regionals because the new coach in town who's teaching the next big thing is like "You used to be the next big thing, why don't you undo eight years of not training aggressively in, like, a couple weeks and compete against the girl I've been hired to make a winner, and I'll coach you both, because I have a boner for you and your shitty blonde extensions! No, that's not what he says, but that's the deal, yo. The next-big-thing's got an overbearing mother and, once his boner gets found out, here comes a new coach that used to be the former-next-big-thing's coach, and she's a horrible actress, she can't play sneaky-evil to save her life. I liked the two leads, and they did a better job than the other ice skating scenes/movies with concealing the real skater actors, but overall this was as boring as watching paint dry, I just wanted it to be over.

1/5 stars

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The Perfect Catch (Nikki DeLoach and... shock of all shocks, no not really... our old buddy, Andrew Walker - Hallmark)

I swear, I don't know if Andrew Walker is on some mission from god, or being punished by him. I'm in the same boat, so I empathize. At least I'm not contracted. I can't speak for him, but I remain happy for DHJ, that he's escaped this purgatory, and is safe on the shore... at least, at present.

In any event, this one doesn't seem like a "Winter official", but there were jackets and no definite spring or fall standards (pastels or orange leaves), and it's airing now, so here we are. It seems to be baseball season, so I know they mean for it to be spring, but they are wearing coat-coats, not it's-still-kinda-chilly light jackets. I don't fucking care, I watched it, so I’m reporting on it.

It ticks many boxes on the Winter Fanfic Bingo card (forthcoming), specifically the ones that are carryovers from Christmas and will be carried over to all the Hallmark/Lifetime movies regardless of time of year. Because being formulaic, when playing the long game, is cheap and efficient, and in the restaurant business, or products made on a factory line, or in healthcare standards, things of that ilk, you want streamlined coupled with the trieds-and-trues. In writing? Not-so-much. It's lazy.

And speaking of restaurants, that's the first box that got ticked - our leading lady owns a restaurant and, next box, it's in danger of being lost. Other boxes include: our leading man is famous; he's the character that comes back home, leaves/might leave, then changes mine/comes back, and it's to stay!; adorable child who ideally will bring everyone together; a character's parents are dead. Blah-blah. Blah-blah-blah. Blah-blaaaaah-blah-bleh. <---- that had more variety than this flick. I mean, there's nothing wrong with this movie. It's vanilla. It's white bread. It's mashed potatoes with no salt or a touch of sour cream mixed in, no loading with shredded sharp cheese and crumbled brown sugar-and-cracked-pepper bacon and the barest touch of chives. I'm hungry, shut up.

It doesn't just get 1 star because it's not bottom barrel - everyone's competent in their acting, there's nothing outlandishly stupid about the script, it's not shellacked in Velveeta. I will say that they pull a little teensy, micro-twist with how they resolve his balancing a primo offer that in no way should he pass on career-wise fairly realistically. The very last scene is, of course, stupid and embarrassing.

2/5 stars

The next movie has palm trees, so officially not Winter. But oof.... it's got Kelly Rutherford and Cameron Mathison, both of whom are ringers. Hmmm. Yeah, I still ain’t subjecting myself to more than needed for this adventure. Oh, and they continue to play the basic-basic-BAAAAASIC-boring "Hope At Christmas" on Hallmark Movies and Mysteries", if you’re interested. It is a mystery to me as to why they continue to do so. Anyhow, there's apparently 3 or 4 more brand spanking new offerings from Hallmark for the next several weeks. 

More to come. I’ll reblog this with every new entry added to the top, so you can always just keep this post URL bookmarked if you think you missed it. Tell me if you want to be tagged. 

#Nash Watches and Rates #Cheesy Winter Movies #so you don't have to #Cheesy Movie Talk #Not SPN #though is a bit #SPN Tangentially #due to the fanfic nature #Back to our #regularly scheduled #programming shortly #Queueby Dooby Doo #Dad's on a blog post and #he hasn't been queued in a few days

[transfemininomenon]

hey alice I've seen you mention then before and they seem really interesting and I was wondering if you could tell us more about your dnd characters! (Whichever your favorite is or who you feel like talking about) or even a tag you have where I could read up more!

:O i would LOVE to talk about some of my dnd characters

my three main ones are my half-elf raven queen warlock gwyndolin (aka gwyn), my human swashbuckler rogue gertrude, and my life cleric alicia 

gwyn was the character i played when @speechjam was DMing who is a half-moon elf with Parental Baggage (because what’s a half-elf who doesnt have an iffy relationship with their parents) who is very gay and very trans and canonically Really Hot because she has a literally goddess gifted body. her parents raised her in an elf city where she experienced a lifetime of racism for being a half-elf, and that combined with not having a great relationship with her parents as well as dealing with dysphoria eventually led to her attempting suicide. however when this happened, she suddenly found herself before the raven queen, who told her it was not yet her time, and offered her a deal - a new body and some of her power in exchange for making a pact with her. she readily agreed, and was reborn as gwyndolin

since then she’s spent a few years acting as a servant of the raven queen, acting as a sort of soul bounty hunter tracking down people who had unnaturally escaped death and dealing with necromancers/undead infestations. eventually she happened to take a job that led to her meeting the party, including happening to bump into her elf druid cousin solira played by @lyssatbqh

she’s also a total Disaster Lesbian and cant talk to women to save her life which is a problem when Lots of women want to talk to her on account of being Really Hot. she has a thing for knives and has like 8 of them on her. she also has a spirit familiar in the form of a raven named crawford who she always makes keep watch for her at night instead of doing it herself

THEN gertrude is the character i play in @lyssatbqh‘s campaign, which is a homebrew campaign set in the dark souls world. gertrude’s whole life was spent believing that humanity didnt matter and only existed to serve the gods - lessons instilled in her from birth by her parents. often being left alone while her parents were off doing whatever religious things they were off doing, she grew used to wondering the city of anor londo by herself, exploring every alley and climbing every roof top, having just a dagger given to her by her parents as a form of protection 

as she grew older her parents tried getting her more involved in the way of white (the religious organization they were a part of), and gertrude never really quite got the whole “sit and study and pray” part of it, but she found ways to use her natural charisma and dexterity to instead serve the gods by acting as a spy against people who might speak out against the gods. this is how she met the party initially, being sent by one of the gods to spy on a book club founded by @speechjam‘s character brillin. long story short the party ended up encountering some of the witches of izalith, went to izalith right as the witch of izalith was trying to recreate the first flame, and they all fucking DIED 

some long period of time later the party all mysteriously came back to life, and have since came back to life any time they have died, always returning to whatever fire they’d rested at. the whole experience of dying and coming back forced gertrude to, for the first time in her life, have to think about being a human and what humanity meant and what her place in the world was, and she proceeded to go into a several week long existential crisis. during this time the party investigated some mysterious happenings around the city of new londo involving other people coming back to life, fought some demons, and eventually made their way back to anor londo

the whole time gertrude was hoping returning to anor londo would get her some answers from the god she had been working for by the name of flame god flann. however, upon returning he offered no real help, and seemingly didnt even remember that she had worked for him. this furthered her growing crisis and fear and doubt, and eventually the party confronted her about her sneakiness and dodging questions, and she confessed the nature by which she’d originally joined the group, and asked for their forgiveness and explained that she’d suddenly had a Lot to think about and that a lot of things she thought she’d known had been thrown out the window. the party was initially hurt, especially brillin, and gertrude suddenly found herself for the first time Caring about other people and how her actions had effected them, but they eventually forgave her and they continued to all work together to maybe figure out a little more on what was happening

encountering two strange people known as skin man and skeleton man, the party worked with them and eventually learned that skin man also was coming back from the dead, but also seemed to be fading away more and more each time he came back - becoming less of himself and more just a blank husk. eventually skin man went missing, and the party found him by a mysterious machine that could answer questions for them - in exchange for memories

gertrude used it to ask two questions, choosing first between the memories of her time working for flann, her time with the way of white, and her memories of brillin, who she had grown increasingly close with throughout their travels (because gertrude is a Fool and JUST kept jokingly flirting until she fooled around and caught real feelings), eventually choosing the way of white. she then had the option of flann, brillin, or her forgetting the memories and associations that her daggers had with her, eventually choosing daggers

her questions were if the gods cared about her, about people, and then the second was if she, too, was gonna steadily fade away the more she died. she received a simple answer for both - no, and yes 

initially going into another crisis, she soon shock that feeling off and decided on a new course of action, a flame suddenly lighting in her as she realized that she couldn’t rely on the gods anymore, and that it was people, and her new found friends, that she had to rely on. the gods were seemingly uncaring about their current plight, and she would find answers on her own. no longer being shackled by the gods, she would suddenly live as she was meant to - as a person, as a human 

the party eventually fought a couple more demons and, with the help of skeleton man, defeated them. in the aftermath, gertrude and brillin FINALLY smooched and it was RAD, and they later had a roof top discussion about everything and about Them. they came to the conclusion that neither of them really knew what was happening, or what their place in the universe was, and the weight of the inevitably of them both hollowing was ever present, but they wouldn’t focus on that - they would focus on the now, on living as best they could in the moment, and deciding that they would eventually figure things out, and they would do that Together 

dang i didn’t mean to do just a plot summary of that whole campaign so far but i got TOO into talking about gertrude i just……………….. love her so much guys she has learned and grown so much she literally started off as half a joke character i literally threw her concept together 10 minutes before the first session started and she became so!!!!! much more than i could’ve ever expected

anyway my other character is alicia aka the Divine Lady who i cant talk about TOO much because i just started playing her and friends in that campaign follow me and there’s #spoilers but she’s a life cleric who was once a shy awkward little boy named joey who has grown in to a slightly less awkward but no less shy but STRONG woman. she’s a life cleric and JUST wants to help people she’s really caring and is always worried about someone and i love her she’s such a change of pace from my usual edgy characters she is TOO good for this world and has two beautiful lesbian blacksmith moms and a million adopted “cousins” who she all loves dearly 

she’s surprisingly Buff, enjoys blacksmithing (she made all of her armor and weapons), is a big fan of beauty in all forms, is an avid reader, and is constantly writing letters home to her family and keeping a diary of her adventures. she worships lethandar (aka god of birth & renewal) as well as sune (aka goddess of beauty), with the symbol of sune crafted into her shield and her mace designed to have a sun motive for lethandar, and she has big dorky glasses because she’s blind as a bat

some other side characters include primrose my college of swords bard who is JUST primrose from octopath traveler, ailce my water genasi druid that i usually play in one shots who in the most recent one shot i played her in adopted a wonderful child who has bat ears and was NOT appreciated by their parents and she loves them with all her heart, and ari “the banshee” who is a city cleric in a modern space based campaign who is an anarchist and part of a punk rock band 

oh! also i have a tag for gwyn (which is just #gwyn tag) and TWO for gertrude (#former gertrude tag and #gertrude tag, former being for dagger related things since she lost her love of them) and im sure i’ll get an alicia one going! its all just like aesthetic stuff or things i relate to them but you can get a good sense of those characters through those 

[duckielover151]

Notes on Before I Let Go by Marieke Nijkamp

                                                (Spoilers!) 

So I just finished Before I Let Go by Marieke Nijkamp, and I don’t mean for this to be a full, proper review, but it would feel a little weird not to talk about it at all. (Partly because I first really took an interest in this book when I saw it on this site as part of a list of books with asexual characters.) 

So for a little backstory: Before I Let Go is the story of Corey and Kyra, two girls growing up in Lost Creek, Alaska-- a very isolated little town in the wilderness. A huge point in this story is that their town is really cold to outsiders and really resistant to change. About seven months before the story starts, Corey’s mom gets a new job in Winnipeg, moving the family away from Lost Creek. And though she promised not to, Corey gets caught up in her new life and loses touch with Kyra. But right before she makes her first trip back to visit, she gets the news that Kyra fell through the ice on the town’s lake and drowned. Something that couldn’t possibly have been an accident, given Kyra’s lifetime of experience with Lost’s seasons and when it would be safe to go out on the ice, etc. Long story short, Cory returns to her old town, where no one accepts her anymore and discovers that they turned her friend into the town prophet of sorts, using her and isolating her until she committed suicide. 

And honestly, I didn’t love the story itself. Usually, I’m all about stories of superstitious small towns with questionable incidents of magic. This one just... didn’t do it for me. It’s actually very straightforward despite how ‘out there’ the ideas are. I kept waiting for some big twist that would really sell me on the story--reveal that things didn’t happen exactly as they seem to have happened--but it never came. 

But what this story does really well is representation. (Something that should be expected, I guess, from an author who founded a group called DiversifYA.) So for a quick run-down of that:

+ Asexual Main Character --> I’ve had plenty of headcanons, but I think Corey may be the first character in a professionally published book I’ve ever read where her asexuality is clearly spelled out by name and explored in a way that makes it impossible for readers to argue that we were misinterpreting things. 

+ Pansexual Main Character --> In the same way, Kyra’s pansexuality is also undeniably spelled out. I felt a little like their sexualities were meant to be just another example of these two sticking together despite being polar opposites, but it is explored. It doesn’t feel like those aspects of their characters were written in just so the author could say the book has a diverse cast. Kyra had a line I really liked about her love having no limits. (And from the way she talks about her own feelings, I suspect Corey to be aromantic as well, but I’ll take what I can get.) 

+ Two (Minor) Gay Characters --> There was a really sweet side plot about the sheriff’s son. Kyra liked to collect the town’s stories--their own modern-day legends--and one of them was about a boy who rarely spoke and never smiled. When Corey returns, Sam seems to be the only one who’s changed for the better. Another boy moved to town and they fell in love. And it’s not super consequential to the main story, but it was sweet. 

+ Main Character with Bipolar Disorder--> But the biggest positive point for me was their portrayal of bipolar disorder. It’s kind of a sore topic for me. My mother has not handled her symptoms nearly as well as Kyra tried to, and we’ve been estranged since I was about twelve. Which is maybe why I’ve always been drawn to stories that mimic my own experiences--told by characters whose parents are mentally ill, rather than their friends or themselves. And because the plots of those stories are so often about that mental illness interfering with the person’s ability to be a parent, I’ve realized that I’ve been unintentionally consuming the sort of narratives that demonize mental illness--something I’m consciously quite passionate about fighting against. 

And that’s exactly what happens to Kyra once she’s diagnosed--they ostracize her. Just as much because she’s seeing a therapist from out of town--and “giving away their secrets”--as because of her actual behavior. And Corey’s the only one to stick by her in the aftermath, but a big part of this story is Corey’s realization that even she didn’t understand Kyra as well as she thought she did. And that she did have her own prejudices about the disorder that she didn’t realize at first. There are some great scenes where Kyra talks about no one accepting her wholeheartedly. Even the people who care about her love her in spite of her illness. But as much as she wants to get her bipolar disorder under control and talks about how the depression and the mania are both hard on her in different ways, Kyra also accepts that it’s a part of who she is. 

And that was the part of the story that was really moving to me. Because it made me take a step back and reanalyze my own views and assumptions. And I really appreciate when a story can do that. So this may not be the best book I’ve ever read, but it did a lot of things right, and for now, it will remain on my shelf. 

#Before I Let Go #marieke nijkamp #book review #book recommendations #asexual character #pansexual character #mental illness #bipolar disorder #suicide awareness

[d3imoss]

LGBT book recommendations

Because it’s Pride Month, and because @jesse11441 asked for it and I couldn’t be bothered typing all this out over text.

(this is going to be a long post so recommendations are under the Read More)

Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda (Becky Albertalli) This is the book that inspired the movie Love, Simon; it’s about a gay boy and his experience with first love, coming out and life in general. [TW- being outed]

Leah on the Offbeat (Becky Albertalli) Leah on the Offbeat is the sequel to Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda, so please read that first if you don’t want spoilers! Follows a bisexual main character and her general experience. [TW- covers the topic of racism (challenged), biphobia, anti-fat remarks]

The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet (Becky Chambers) Follows a crew of various different characters from all sorts of alien backgrounds. It’s kinda queer, I guess? Idk, read it and you’ll understand. 

The Miseducation of Cameron Post (Emily M Danforth) Set in 1989, it follows the story of a young, closeted lesbian in small-town Montana who is then sent to conversion therapy. [TW- homophobic language/experiences, conversion therapy, drug use/underage drinking type thing, self-harm; it just generally deals with a lot of heavy topics]

Ask the Passengers (AS King) About a girl who’s trying to break free from the labels others place on her (she’s fallen in love with a girl, but isn’t sure if she’s really a lesbian.) She has to deal with pressure from family and friends to come out- whether that is saying she is a lesbian or that she isn’t- and would much rather just be. [TW- homophobia]

We Are Okay (Nina LaCour) An amazing book with lots of character development about a girl moving on from the death of her grandfather. [TW- depression, grief, loss of family members]

Everything Leads to You (Nina LaCour) A girlxgirl love story with elements of film. 

Every Day (David Levithan) A wakes up in a different body every day, but they fall in love with one girl and will do anything to stay with her.

Gena/Finn (Hannah Moskowitz and Kat Helgeson) A story told entirely in emails, comments, notes, drawings and other media of two girls falling in love (though that’s not all it’s about.)

Radio Silence (Alice Oseman) Great LGBT representation that isn’t directly about being LGBT- about a boy, a girl, another boy and a podcast (the podcast is not unlike Welcome to Night Vale.)

I Was Born for This (Alice Oseman) About a fangirl and a band, of which the lead singer/frontman of the band is a trans boy (also the fangirl is a Muslim girl.)

Carry On (Rainbow Rowell) Essentially a parody of the ‘chosen one’ trope, in which the main character is gay. Somewhat similar to Harry Potter.

History is All You Left Me (Adam Silvera) A very sad story about a boy recovering from an ex-boyfriend’s death.

They Both Die at the End (Adam Silvera) Another sad story about two boys who will die within the next twenty-four hours, and their attempts to experience as much as they can before they die.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe (Benjamin Alire Saenz) Two boys and a friendship of a lifetime.

The Inexplicable Logic of My Life (Benjamin Alire Saenz) A coming of age novel about a boy who was adopted by a gay man and his general experiences with life and the death of family members.

Queens of Geek (Jen Wilde) Set at a convention, this book has bisexual rep, POC rep, anxiety rep and autism rep. Also a great story in general.

Spinning (Tilly Walden) A memoir in graphic novel form about an ex-figure skater and her life (also she’s gay).

If I Was Your Girl (Meredith Russo) A trans girl dealing with life after transition.

Symptoms of Being Human (Jeff Garvin) Follows the story of Riley, who is genderfluid, and their experiences with life.

Seven Ways We Lie (Riley Redgate) This isn’t really about being LGBT, more about a school scandal, but one of the main characters is pansexual and does actually say this directly in the book!

Dreadnought (April Daniels) A trans girl becomes a superhero and has to deal with big-time villains but also peoples’ reactions to her trans identity.

Will Grayson, Will Grayson (John Green and David Levithan) Two boys with the same name meet, and their lives become intertwined in many ways.

More Happy than Not (Adam Silvera) Another sad story about a boy trying to find happiness after his father’s suicide (also, he’s gay.) 

Autoboyography (Christina Lauren) Two boys fall in love in a writing class- one is bisexual and from an accepting family, while the other comes from a super-religious, conservative family.

The Upside of Unrequited (Becky Albertalli) Molly has never been in an actual relationship, but she’s had many crushes in her time. (LGBT rep in this book is Molly’s mums, her twin sister and her sister’s girlfriend, who is pansexual.)

We Are the Ants (Shaun David Hutchinson)  A boy is abducted by aliens and given the opportunity to prevent the world from ending by pressing a button. Issue is, he’s not 100% sure he actually wants to save the world from destruction.

The Flywheel/Get It Together, Delilah! (Erin Gough) Delilah’s father has gone overseas and she now has to deal with saving the family, keeping her best friend Charlie out of prison and maybe getting a date with Rosa, the beautiful flamenco dancer from across the road.

Amelia Westlake (Erin Gough) Two girls create a secret identity in order to get things to change around their super-religious private high school. 

Finding Nevo (Nevo Zisin) An autobiography of Nevo Zisin, a queer, non-binary human. It’s a great book.

Bonus: This webcomic called Heartstopper by Alice Oseman, which is largely a fluffy story about two boys falling in love [TW- eating disorders.]

#lgbt #pride month #lgbt book recs #book recs #books with trigger warnings #trigger warning #ya #ya book recs #lgbt books #lgbt book recommendations #me ranting about books again #book recs with trigger warnings

[exxar1]

Chapter 13: Ambassador Kosh, The Smoking Caterpillar, And Six Months Saved

3/16/2021

            One of my favorite sci-fi shows from the 1990s is Babylon-5. It takes place on a space station in neutral territory between various warring alien and human empires in the mid twenty-third century. One of the alien characters, Ambassador Kosh, is fond of asking those around him, “Who are you?” Kosh is a Vorlon, a mysterious, cryptic species who’s true physical nature is hidden from others by an elaborate encounter suit. No one has ever been to their homeworld, and the Vorlons rarely interact with other species around them, so when one asks “Who are you?”, it’s a significant question that implies a need for an honest, significant, soul-searching answer.

           That is a question I’ve been asking myself a lot these past few months. This week is the six month anniversary of my salvation. Looking back, it feels like I’ve crossed a gulf wider and deeper than the Grand Canyon. September 17th seems like almost a lifetime ago. And yet, it also feels like it was just yesterday. So much has changed in my life, and yet so much is still the same.

           The other day I was looking back over my previous log entries from this new journey. The one from October 10th leaped out at me as I reread it:

            “I just recently realized how much we change throughout our adult lives as we get older. Those passions and desires and things that interest us and consume our time when we’re in our twenties are not necessarily the same passions, desires, and things that we care about in our forties, or our fifties, or our sixties. We as people are not just flesh and blood. We are conscious, thinking, emotional, intellectual human beings, and the parts of us that make us who we are are those passions, desires, interests, and things that we care about. It’s what makes me me.

             Some of those qualities can be defined as hobbies or interests, the things that I do in my spare time or what I’m passionate about in life. The fact that I have always been a science fiction fan, for example, or my writing. Other qualities can be emotional, or intellectual, or parts of me that aren’t necessarily physical. The fact that I’m gay, for example; or that I love to read, or that I’m an introvert, or that I once used to be an Atheist.

           In other words, those things that make up who we are as an individual human being, that define us to the world and to other people around us, are not always constant or unchanging. And that’s what I had never realized until now. I have always been happy living my life on my own, by my own terms, and I found peace in being alone. I have never felt the need to have that “special someone” in my life, but now, for reasons I cannot explain, I’m no longer content with that. I think this is why so many people at this point in their mid-lives have a crisis. They buy a new car or get divorced or change careers. Perhaps my loneliness is nothing more than a mid-life crisis?”

           At the time, I was attributing all my recent angst and internal unrest to aging, but now I recognize this for what it really was – and still is: sanctification. (or maybe it’s a little of both.) 2 Corinthians 5:17, one of the first verses that I had memorized long, long ago in Sunday school, says, “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” It’s one thing to know about a process, but quite another thing entirely to actually experience that process firsthand.

           Who am I?

           My name is Neal Timothy Jones, I was born on June 4, 1978, I currently weigh 205 lbs., stand at a glorious height of 5’5”, have blue eyes, brown hair – which I’m very slowly but surely losing (more than in the back than the front, I’d say), and a goatee that is now more silver than brown. My favorite color is blue. I’m a brother, a son and an uncle, but not a father or a husband. I was born and raised in Twin Falls, Idaho, and I’m an introvert. I’m often shy, quiet, used to have a hard time speaking up for myself and was afraid to be myself for fear of ridicule and shame. I’m a sci-fi fan (Star Trek in particular) and an avid Super Mario Brothers player. (If that was an Olympic sport I would hold a gold medal for most games conquered and exceptional fire flower skill.) I also read a lot, and, lately, I have a very hard time shutting off my brain. I’m always overthinking, overanalyzing, and overly critical of both myself and those around me.

           My favorite food is Italian, especially pizza and pasta (hence the 205 pounds), and I despise coconut. I mean, like really, really hate it. Whoever decided that shredded coconut should be a topping on desserts should be strung up by their apron strings and crucified in their kitchen. Coconut – especially shredded coconut – has absolutely no taste for one, and for two, it has all the texture of grass. It’s vile and disgusting.

           I have type 2 diabetes, and I’m a good twenty-five pounds overweight. I’ve always hated exercise. Yes, I enjoyed running around the playground and being outdoors in general when I was a kid, but I hated organized sports. I suffered one year of soccer in 7th grade because my parents insisted I needed to get out and do something besides always being alone under a tree with a book in between classes. (I think they were worried about my anti-social behavior far more than they actually let on.) That one year led to a life long revulsion of sports in general. Seriously, I don’t get it. Running up and down a field, chasing a ball or trying to make a goal – *yawn*. So overrated.

           Also, for that matter, is competition. I’m probably the least competitive person anyone knows. I really couldn’t care less whether or not my coworkers beat me in upsells and product promotions. I don’t give a damn if my friends or family make more money than I do. I have no desire to rise the corporate ladder and be king of my local branch. I don’t really care what my house looks like on the outside compared to my neighbors. Nor do I give a rat’s ass if my car is the nicest one in the neighborhood. (And, frankly, given the neighborhood I currently live in, I most definitely do not want a super nice car that would attract nearby thieves.) I really do just march to the beat of my own drum, and if you’d like join me, great! If not, oh well. You do your own thing, and you be you. I’m not going to care one way or the other.

           Who am I?

           I’m gay. Or, rather, I was. Or maybe I still am. I honestly don’t know. And that’s been my problem lately. Clear back in September, right after I was saved, I was sure of two things: one, that I was saved and new child of God, and two, that I was gay. In just six months, though, I’m not so sure of that latter one anymore.

           It’s funny how we sometimes take one thing in our lives – our marriage, our job, our sexuality, or maybe that one hobby or spare time interest – and we build our whole self-identity around that. For me, it was being gay. That was who I was, and I centered my entire self-identity around that one thing as soon as I left high school. After I left the Army, after returning home to Twin Falls and enrolling at the College of Southern Idaho, I immediately joined the Gay-Straight Alliance on campus. I spoke up for gay rights, and I even helped organize a petition for a gay float in the local Western Days parade. (I honestly can’t remember if we ever really accomplished that or not. I do remember the city council not being very happy with our little request.)

           I watched pretty much anything on TV that had gay stories and/or main characters. Shows like Will & Grace, Queer As Folk, and Six Feet Under were my favorites.  Same for the movies. Hollywood was my religion, the local cineplex my church. Celebrities like Ellen Degeneres were my idols, and I did my best to follow their wisdom and lifestyles. Throughout college and my early adult life afterwards, whenever I introduced myself to new friends and co-workers, I was quick to let them know I was gay. I was proud of that, and anyone who disagreed with that or tried to tell me I was wrong for living that way would quickly get shut down by my new, independent spirit and debating skills. I bought t-shirts with slogans like “I don’t even think straight” or which just had the symbol of the rainbow flag on the front.

           Everything else was secondary, and when my life moved online to social media, I made sure to put my sexual orientation front and center on all my bios. I connected even more to the greater national gay community by joining Facebook pages that promoted gay rights, and I followed many gay activists and celebrities on Twitter and Instagram. In recent years, especially after moving to Las Vegas, I did quiet down a little with the in-your-face attitude, due more to aging than anything else. It was no longer that important than every single new friend or co-worker know right away that I was gay. Instead of announcing it with the first handshake, I let the subject come up organically in regular conversation. I also purchased Apple watch bands made in rainbow colors or plastic bracelets of the same design to wear as a silent testimony of my proud lifestyle.

           Who am I?

           One of my favorite scenes in Disney’s Alice In Wonderland is the one where Alice is confronted by the smoking caterpillar. He repeatedly demands of the young, lost and confused heroine, “Who. Are. You?” (Each word is punctuated by a perfectly shaped ring of cartoon smoke.)

           In recent weeks and months, there have been days when I have stood in front of the mirror above my bathroom sink, looking at my reflection with puzzlement and curiosity, asking that very same question. Some days, I have felt like a true warrior of God, leaping from bed, excited to rush into the world and live the truth of Christ. Other days, I have felt small and weak, and conflicted, and wondering why I have kept giving in to the old lust of the flesh and breaking my vow of celibacy. (Yes, even just giving in to old desires and lusts in the mind’s eye are a sin in the presence of God. It doesn’t necessarily have to go as far as an actual, physical act with another man.)

           One evening, about three weeks ago, as I got ready for bed, I was reflecting on my day. It was one of those mediocre days, not too bad, but not really exciting or exceptional either. I was feeling a little down and discouraged, but I couldn’t say exactly why. I sat on the edge of my bed, lost in thought, and tracing absently with my right index finger the outline of the tattooed cross on my left bicep. Since the tattoo was barely a week old, most of it was still one large scab, and I had been fighting the recent urge to pick at it. I glanced down and saw the plastic rainbow bracelet on my right wrist, right next to the other bracelet with white stars and a blue strip on a black background.

           As if by some spiritual instinct, I reached out with my left hand and pulled that rainbow bracelet off. I held it up, examining it for a few moments, and then I opened the drawer of my nightstand. I tossed the bracelet inside and shut the drawer. I sat for a minute or two, thinking about what I had just done, and then I got up and marched across the hall into my office. I opened the bottom left drawer of my desk and rifled through the several dozen Apple watch bands that have accumulated there over the last few years. I pulled out all the ones that were rainbow striped or rainbow colored. I threw them in the trash. I also threw away the bag of rainbow bracelets (they had been 20 for $5 on Amazon). I turned out the light and shut the office door.

           I went to bed that night feeling more at peace than when I had first asked Jesus into my heart just a few months before.

           The next day, during my lunch break at Walmart, I went through all my social media accounts and removed the word ‘gay’ from my bios, as well as any emoji symbols such as the rainbow flag. That, too, felt right. I was now just ‘Christian’, not ‘gay Christian.’

           I’m still honestly not sure what this means. Part of me has felt utterly terrified, as if I’m erasing more than just part of who I’ve been for all my adult life. The one thing that was the core of my self-identity has been essentially wiped away, as if God was one of the workers in the amusement park of Westworld, another of my favorite shows. In that not-so-distant future setting, the human-like androids are often re-programmed by the park’s engineers to change their personalities or even their entire character to match whatever new story is going to be enacted for the park’s biological visitors and tourists. Ever since my salvation, I have often felt that God is reprogramming me in the same way, erasing parts of the old sinful self and rewriting new software, giving me a new core identity. Right now, that process of sanctification has only just begun, and, hence, there are days when I don’t quite know what to call myself. Yes, I’m a Christian. Yes, I am a child of God. But I feel like there should be more than just that. I feel like the loss of my old identity means that that I also have nowhere to belong; there is currently no new community in which I can plug myself in order to have the same sense of friendship and comradery that I once had with my fellow gays.

           And yes, I know what you’re already saying to your phone or computer screen as you read this: “Neal,” you say, “just being a child of God is enough. Just calling yourself a Christian is enough. That is the new community that you now belong to.”

           Yeah, I know. But, at the same time, I still feel incomplete. Don’t ask me why. I feel like those Lego sets I used to play with as a kid. My favorites were the spaceships, especially the really big ones that came with about two hundred individual pieces. I liked those the best because I had the choice of either building the ship pictured on the front of the box, or I could assemble a different ship entirely using the same pieces but fitting them together in different ways. I feel like God is doing that with me right now. He’s completely disassembled me from the inside out, and his Spirit is slowly and gradually reassembling me into something totally new.

           Part of me wishes He would just hurry the hell up and get to the finished product already! Why is He taking so long?? But the other part of me – the part that I am slowly coming to recognizing as the voice of the Holy Spirit is gently, firmly reminding me that this process can take a lifetime; that I need to learn to be patient and wait upon the Lord.

           Who am I?

           I am ALL of those things that I listed above – yes, even the homosexual. God hasn’t changed that completely. But that particular Lego piece is now on the worktable with all the others. And I no longer feel a need to advertise to anyone and everyone that I am still gay. For now, I am just ‘Christian.’ And I’m looking for a church family where I can truly belong.

           I recently finished reading a book that dealt with this exact topic. The author is Greg Coles, someone I’ve mentioned before in these posts. The book is titled No Longer Strangers: Finding Belonging in a World of Alienation. There are many, many lovely and beautiful passages in the book where Greg gives his own testimony of finding his place in his particular part of the world and his church community after coming out as a gay Christian in 2017. But there are two passages, specifically, that I found most inspirational in my own journey of trying to find the church family in which God wants to place me. I’ve already posted them on my social media, but I’m going to quote them again here.

           The first is from Chapter 5: Hide and Seek:

            “But God—the real God—has only ever been interested in loving us, in redeeming us, in transforming us. He has no interest in an army of clones, a horde of wax figures and cardboard cutouts sent to approach him in bold unanimity while his heterogeneous flesh-and-blood children crouch in the shadows.

Those of us who love Jesus are indeed called to find our paramount identity in him. Every other identity is placed in submission to Christ, upturned and radically reordered by the logic of the kingdom of God. But our particularities are not erased in the process. We are not recycled paper, blended into a pulp and recast as a blank sheet. We are a painted canvas in the hands of a master restorer, painstakingly cleansed and healed and remade until we finally become the irreplicable artwork we were always intended to be.”

           That ‘irreplicable artwork’ is what I cannot wait to see! That’s what I’m eagerly waiting for – that finished masterpiece. But I also know from the testimonies of my parents and Pastor Mark, as well as ones that I’ve read online from other Christian authors, is that there is a real possibility that I might never see that completely finished work; that God, in His infinite wisdom and grace, is never entirely finished with us. And that’s okay too. That’s what I need to recognize and reconcile with right now. The old saying really is sometimes true: it’s the journey that matters more than the destination. But, along the way, God does not want me to just melt into His crowd, to be one more clone in the Christian army. Instead, as Greg points out, God wants each of us to stand out, to share our unique gifts and talents with the body of Christ and with the world around us. We need to shine for Him, and we can’t do that if we just hide away, afraid to be more than just another smiling face in the crowd.

The other passage, the one that brought me to tears, was the final paragraphs of the book:

             “I am my Beloved’s. He is mine. We belong in one another, with one another, to one another. We always will. We’re not going anywhere.

             I’m not the only one making these vows with heaven, to be sure. A symphony of voices joins mine in the air. The song includes married folks as well as celibates like me, straight and gay and everything else. Our choir represents every race, every language, every nation.

             But despite the grandeur of the choir, Christ still hears and responds to each individual voice. He isn’t content to declare his affection for us in form letters and megaphone announcements. He whispers to us one by one, into your ear and mine, exchanging promises of love. As long as these promises remain true—as long as our fragile memories can hold them—home will never be further than a whisper in our ears, never further than an ink drop beneath our skin. We are loved. And because we are loved, we belong.”

           I have re-read that passage so many times over the last couple weeks, savoring it like piece of gold, a treasure of beauty and real wisdom. Greg’s completely right. Not only does God want us, just as we are, no matter how broken, how lost, or how sinful, but He also wants for us to belong in Him, and Him alone. This small piece of wisdom seems at once so simple and yet so complex. I have had to remind myself almost every day, especially those days when I’m feeling lonely, or a little lost, or discouraged because the church that I had hoped was going to be my new home didn’t work out after all, that I am first and foremost a child of God. I belong only – and solely – in Him. I need to understand that that is all that matters right now. The rest will come in time. Perhaps once I have understood and fully absorbed this first and important truth, then God will begin providing unto me the rest of his desired blessings and, especially, belonging within a new church family.

           As a result of these blog posts, I have had the immense blessing and pleasure of reconnecting with old friends who had once taught and reared me when I was that stubborn, contrary, rebellious kid who gave out more sass and disrespect than a Las Vegas drag queen in a nightclub. One of those friends shared a quote by Leonard Ravenhill with me a few days ago that immediately touched my heart. I printed it off and taped it to the bottom frame of one of my computer monitors in my home office.

“Great eagles fly alone; great lions hunt alone; great souls walk alone – alone with God!”

             The friend who shared this helped me to see that same truth that Greg pointed out in that second passage that I quoted above. It’s okay for me to stand apart from the crowd – Christian or otherwise. It’s okay for me to continue marching on my own. The only difference between my old life and this new, blessed one is that God is now marching beside me. He has changed the beat of my drum, and He has “…begun a good work” in me, as Paul says Philippians 1:6, and that work will not be completed until “…the day of Jesus Christ.” But, if I’m honest, I will say that, on most days, I don’t feel like the lion or the eagle. Not just yet. I feel more like a church mouse from a Beatrix Potter tale, crouching in the shadow of my Lord and Savior, and letting Him do His thing on my behalf.

               One of my other favorite quotes that has had a special significance to me these last few months is by Socrates. He once stated, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” I think God would agree, and the best form of self examination should always start with the following question:

                Who am I?

#Christian #spirituality #gay #personal growth #sanctification