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half--agony--half--hope · 3 years

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First off THE VACCINE DID NOT GIVE ME COVID

TMI info below

I just have the worst fucking luck in timing. I got the vaccine Friday 12/18. Saturday 12/19 I felt 100% fine. Sunday 12/20 I had a sore throat which I didn’t think anything of, I get them from time to time r/t allergies and GERD causing post nasal drip. Though I have since been reading lots of people get this symptom that I never knew was one.

Monday 12/21 at the end of work I was fucking exhausted, like that right before your period fatigue. But work was also just fucking awful. So I wrote that off.

Tuesday 12/22 I woke up feeling fine. I had gone to bed early and took Nyquil just cause I know it makes me have great sleep if I need. Got to work to find my office mate had called in sick due to body aches and headache that she said she’d had since she got the vaccine the same day as me. Work suggested she get tested since that is a while to still be having that. I asked to be tested as well since her and I work in a small room together and she’s not the best about wearing her mask. In keeping with everything 2020 she is negative and I am positive but I guess blessing in disguise cause I wouldn’t have thought to test with the minor symptoms I had. They had me test twice in case the vaccine caused a false + which I don’t think is a think but also with my coworker getting a negative it’s was obvious my positives were accurate. Since it was just me as the only case manager for 44 patients and shit needed to get done I stayed at work in my office alone until about 3 when the fatigue hit again and then I went home to quarantine.

Today Wednesday 12/23 I can tell I am sick. It feels like a shitty cold. My head is congested and I have a bit of a cough. It is productive but just a little bit of phlegm and very thick. When it hits I have to cough a lot to bring it up but once I do I have no cough for a few hours. Woke up today with no body aches but we will see how long before the fatigue is back. Diarrhea started this morning. I feel a bit nauseated now but I think that is likely due to the vitamins I took cause they always do that to me. My RR and O2 sat are normal. No fever. I feel almost as bad as when I was sick back in February and I’d hoped once we learned covid was around longer than we knew that it had been covid. I didn’t have antibodies when tested in May.

Based on start of symptoms I am out of work though at least 12/29. But we will see how my course runs.

Upside of living alone I don’t have to worry about who is around me right now. I do feel like shit that on Sunday before I had any symptoms I saw my sister and mom for outside lunch. We have done this frequently thanks go great So Cal weather where we all bring our own chairs and sit distanced and wear masks if we aren't eating. But still I worry. They are going to wait a few more days to get tested and are isolating just in case.

I am really not sure how I got it. I really do practice what I preach and don’t go anywhere. Those 2 family members are the only people I see outside of work. Everything with anyone else is porch drops. I haven’t eaten at a restaurant since March. I almost never go into stores, and do drive up or delivery. My direct boss is out on medical leave though not specified as covid and I saw her 11 days before my symptoms so technically in the window. We have had a few nurses go out in the past few weeks with it that work on the floor but being in case management I still see them though not for extended contact so who the fuck knows.

I am hoping my course doesn’t get much worse. I am obese which I know is an extra risk factor. On my last check up end of May my BP, fasting sugar and A1C were all normal though so that is good. But I can’t claim continuing to work though this pandemic has made me at all healthier. I have my vitamins and fluids and meds for symptom relief. I am trying to get up and move around every hour.

*I am aware the following thoughts are not entirely valid* I feel so fucking stupid getting the virus now. I made it through months of working directly with patients on the covid floor and now after I decided I couldn’t take it any more and moved to CM I get it. I was so excited about the vaccine and now I have to wait 3 months and start over so my dose feels wasted. Overall it just feels like some sort of cosmic punishment. I really feel like I have tried my best through all of this while watching people who don’t give a shit rarely get it and they will think their luck justifies their actions.

#mine #covid-19 #coronavirus #nurse #nursing #nurblr #medblr #covid

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welcometophu · 6 years

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Not Your Love Song: Chapter 18

Marked Book 2: Not Your Love Song

Chapter 18

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Rory is awake far too early on Sunday. Alaric convinces him to stumble down into the dining hall for breakfast, but Rory doesn’t bother to shower first. He just wants to go back to sleep after breakfast, when Alaric leaves for OPT.

It works for a little while.

His phone starts buzzing a little after noon. Rory would guess that Alaric just hit the road in Dax’s minivan to go home, so he’s not surprised by the onslaught. He rolls over and grabs the phone, unlocks it to find three text threads waiting for him.

The oldest is from Darrik, and Rory can’t imagine why he’d be up at just past six in the morning on a Sunday.

I forgot to text that I got in okay last night after the movie. Had a good time. Bet you’re still sleeping.

At that hour? Definitely. The nine o’clock breakfast was too early as it was.

I was, Rory replies. I’m awake now. You surviving after your late night?

While they’d seen the first movie showing of the night, their group had all gone out to Teas Please after, and Darrik had dropped Rory off at just past one before heading back to Valiant. It wasn’t all that late for Rory, but for someone who works in a high school on weekdays, it had to be past his usual bedtime.

He switches to the next conversation in the list, a little surprised that it’s just Kit and him, and not the group chat with Shane, or the larger one that includes Dax and Darrik as well.

We just hit the road. Carolyn looks like she’s going to puke. Corbin is loud and he and Drea are kind of disturbingly cute. There are two people we knew in high school going with us, and having their car behind us is like having the past on our tail.

It’s a poetic image, the idea of the past literally hunting a person down, following them down the highway. Or back roads. Rory grabs a notebook and writes it down before he sends back, Is that imagery up for grabs?

Give me a shoutout when you sing it, if it makes it that far, Kit replies.

That’s easy enough. I can do that, Rory agrees. Is Alaric bored and sulking about having to go home?

I think he’s talking to Dax about football. Why? Is he texting you, too? You guys are really good friends, right?

Like family. Rory doesn’t need to think about it, or qualify it in any way. We got lucky. I think he was dreading having to room with a Mage. I didn’t know what to expect from Clan. People are so different. There’s Alaric, and then there’s Darrik.

It’s a cue, maybe, because a notification pops up to add to the trail of texts he has from Alaric. It starts with a series of apologies for waking him up early, trails into a discussion of just how thrilled he is to be heading home, and meanders into a dry commentary on public displays of affection between his sister and his best friend. It’s easy to imagine Alaric’s voice for each of the texts, and Rory’s laughing at the end. You could just tell them to quit it, he suggests.

Do you think I haven’t tried? Do you know how many Mages are in this van? And two more in a car behind us. Drea says she talked to our parents. I don’t think it matters that they’ve been warned. It’s not going to go over well.

Do you have a plan for Theobald? Rory asks.

Yeah. I’m distracting him with politics. I have a whole printed contract with Dayton’s Clan, specific to her and me allying, not the older generations. I also want to arrange a visitation for spring break. Our whole alliance plans to meet there, including the Mages.

Rory rolls onto his back, phone held above him. That’s going to be a hell of a distraction, yeah. I don’t have to worry about him trying to kill you or something, do I?

I’m all he has left.

Rory knows exactly how Alaric says it, how lost he sounds with those words. He also knows it’s not true. There’s Drea. There are other families among their Clan. There are options. He’s not sure what, exactly, keeps Theobald from stripping this away from Alaric. But something does, and Alaric’s going to continue to push his limits as long as he can.

I’m doing okay. The message pops up from Darrik, and when Rory switches conversations there are dots like Darrik is still thinking through what he wants to say next. I had fun last night, Darrik finally sends. I like your friends. I’d say I’m looking forward to Wednesday, but I’d be lying. I am looking forward to seeing you and your friends, though.

That statement makes sense to Rory. Did you talk to Lora’s parents and the people at Sunnyview?

Not yet, Darrik admits. I did try to call her parents, but they’re out. They do brunch sometimes, so I’ll probably get hold of them this evening. I’ll let you know when everything’s set. Do you need anything special for the ritual?

Rory switches conversations, pulling up the group text with Kit and Shane and staring at it for a long time before deciding he’s not typing anything there right now and switches back to Darrik. I don’t know yet, but I’ll let you know. I think it’s going to be all Kit’s focus and me and Shane trying to supply direction, and we’ll go from there. Hopefully we can reach her.

Hopefully.

There’s nothing more than that one word from Darrik. Rory shifts from conversation to conversation, ignoring what he’s been sent in favor of looking for another reply from Darrik. When one doesn’t come, he bites his lip, tries to decide what to send back.

This was a rough weekend. Are you okay?

I’m going to be. The response comes back like he didn’t have to think about it, like maybe he was expecting the question. I’ll send you info as soon as I know it for Wednesday. And probably text you when I’m bored in study hall.

Rory smiles at Darrik’s attempt to lighten the mood. I’ll look forward to it. And keep my phone on silent so I don’t get in trouble for texting my boyfriend during lectures.

This time when there’s no reply right away, Rory lets it go.

Alaric put his phone away. I can almost feel his anxiety. He’s the one who doesn’t like Heather, right?

Kit’s text comes through while Rory is talking to Darrik. It’s been several minutes by the time Rory gets to it, but he figures that’s fine. It’s not like Kit’s going anywhere; he’s trapped in a car for at least a half an hour.

Yeah, he doesn’t like Empaths. I was just talking to Darrik. He’s going to talk to Lora’s parents. He’s not looking forward to reliving any of that mess again, but he liked you guys. So he’s looking forward to seeing everyone again.

Jess won’t be there, Kit replies. But I liked her. She’s got a lot of energy, doesn’t she? But quiet energy. Like a mountain. With freckles.

Rory has to look through his photos to find one from last night, because he doesn’t have a clear mental image of Jess, and he doesn’t remember the freckles. They’re there, though. She’s tall, broad-shouldered, taking Shane’s weight when he leans on her.

He hopes Kit never actually calls her a mountain; he’s pretty sure she’d find that offensive. But he understands the reference, that kind of solid, stable energy that lies in the earth. I get it, he replies. Did you get to talk to Serina at all today? You guys seem to be doing well.

It’s only been a week. Ish.

Rory frowns at the phone. Is that your way of saying it isn’t serious? Or that it’s not a thing? Or that it’s not working? You guys seemed good last night.

I think we’re okay.

Kit’s response comes quickly, but it’s followed by a series of dots and Rory waits to see if Kit’s going to finish the thought. He reaches for his notebook, scribbles notes to himself about the idea of the past chasing as they drive down the highway, the car close behind. What happens when you stop, and the past catches up… yeah, that’s a thought.

I really like her.

The phone buzzes to let him know Kit replied, but it’s just those four words.

I think she really likes you, Rory replies.

I know. We get along really well, and she’s fun. We talk a lot, and we make out some.

Rory winces, because this may be starting to verge into TMI territory. Not that he hasn’t handled that since Thorne hit puberty, but still. He doesn’t really think he has that kind of friendship with Kit, yet.

I like kissing her. I think I like kissing in general. Which is good, right? I’m just not sure… I haven’t really wanted to move past that. She hasn’t said anything about it, which is also good, since moving past kissing starts getting into other things. But I don’t know if not wanting more is a me thing, an us thing, or maybe it’s just life.

Rory is not qualified to be having this conversation. He wants to ask if it matters right now, but he figures it must matter to Kit, since he brought it up. And maybe it matters to Serina, maybe it doesn’t, but Rory certainly isn’t going to go knock on her door to ask.

He looks at his door like it’s about to burst open on cue. Thankfully it doesn’t, but he gets out of bed anyway, just to check and make sure the door is actually still locked.

Is it something you need to figure out right now? he asks.

No, but I

The text ends there, as if Kit was interrupted or just decided to stop, and Rory isn’t sure which it is. Alaric’s gone silent, and Darrik never responded to his last. It’s as good a time as any to toss his phone on the bed and go looking for something to wear.

Rory tosses dirty laundry into a hamper; there’s enough that he probably should throw a load in while most of the world is either still sleeping off the Saturday night drunk, or getting brunch downstairs. Apparently it’s long overdue since the only t-shirts left in his drawer are the ones he wears when he doesn’t really give a shit. And every single hoodie could use a wash, so he has to decide which one is least offensive, or else just not leave the building.

He does a sniff test and decides that not leaving the building is the right answer. Clean pajama pants, an old t-shirt, and hanging out in his room finishing up assignments and working on music. He can do that.

He takes the hamper down and separates it into two washers. He walks cautiously past Serina’s room, as if she somehow knows what he’s been talking to Kit about and is going to pounce on him with her side of the story.

When he gets back to his room, he grabs the phone and checks it.

Maybe I’m just being stupid, Kit says. If I like her, shouldn’t I want to do more? Shouldn’t I be interested in

He cuts off again in that text, but another one has already come through.

I just want to know if it’s me, or if it’s because it’s her, or if it’s something else entirely. I’ve never had a girlfriend before, and maybe it’s just a time thing.

Rory closes his door, twists the lock. Have you ever kissed anyone before Serina? he asks. He strips down to his underwear and wraps a towel around his waist while waiting for Kit to respond.

Once. In seventh grade. During one of those stupid games that I honestly didn’t believe that anyone actually played at middle school parties.

I didn’t like it. But I figured it was because he didn’t know I was a guy, so it just felt weird and wrong. Most of seventh grade felt weird and wrong. Adolescence sucked in a major way.

Rory’s starting to wonder if maybe he is the right person for Kit to be talking to. He leans back against the bed, fingers sliding over the keyboard as he types. I’m not personally a big fan of kissing. I like cuddling. There is nothing better than having another body in bed with you, honestly, but it’s nothing sexual. I snuggle people I trust. Kissing always feels weird to me, and I definitely don’t want to do anything else with anyone.

Hm. Rory imagines the way Kit’s brow furrows. I do like

He cuts off again, and Rory swallows a laugh. It’s like talking to someone who’s been bleeped out.

You can like getting off without wanting to do it with another person, Rory says, his cheeks bright red even though no one’s there to see it. Or it’s possible she’s just not the right person for you. No matter what popular media says, not every guy wants to get into every girl’s pants. And not everyone is thinking about sex all the time. Even people who like it. Thorne’s an outlier. Most people are a lot more subtle about it.

Thanks for talking to me. I know you’re not a fan of sex. I appreciate it, Kit replies.

Rory does laugh out loud at that. I am betting I’m the only ace guy you know, so I’m okay if you want to talk to me about that. It’s one of those things that a lot of guys don’t understand. And Kit? It’s okay if it’s also just because you’re anxious because of everything else. That’s something you’ll figure out. Just don’t worry about rushing it, okay?

He leaves the phone on the bed when he heads to the shower. Kit should be arriving in Haverhill soon, and Rory thinks that maybe he’s had enough awkward but encouraging conversations about sexuality.

There’s a song in that somewhere. It might even have to do with the past chasing…

Huh.

He hums under his breath while he showers, and by the time he gets back to his room, lyrics are starting to form.

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#welcome to phu #welcometophu #not your love song #phu marked #marked

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awkwardshanandagins · 6 years

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Peace Out 2017. You Truly Sucked Balls.

Happy New Year everyone! My hope going into 2018 is that I make it out alive. Gotta set those expectations pretty low so you're never disappointed. Life tip #987 for you guys ;)

Let me catch you up on the last week or so as it's been a little bit since I've written anything. Christmas came and went super fast per usual. There's always so much build up and then you sneeze and it's over. Christmas was a tad emotional this year. It's a rough time of year for us crazies who are obsessing over having a child since reminders are absolutely everywhere. I would like to take my screaming child to sit on creepy Santa's lap or have them be the center of my adorable Christmas card, naked, wrapped in lights on a fur rug (see my last post for a nice visual of Paul in this same scenario). Instead, I just get to look at everyone else's pictures of their petrified child sitting on creepy mall Santa's lap. It's not as fun; I'd rather traumatize my own child. Christmas Eve day was spent pretty much just ugly crying all over the place. I couldn't let it slow me down since I had things that needed to get done, like wrapping ALL of the gifts and getting myself thrown together for Christmas Eve with my family. So, I just ugly cried while doing all of things I needed to get done. What a f*cking mess that was. Ask Paul, it wasn't pretty. Wrapping presents is difficult enough for me (I'm incredibly bad at wrapping) but doing it through swollen seeping eyes was a whole other level of difficult. By the end, the presents were soggy and mangled, just how everyone likes 'em! My day of emotional turmoil sparked some super intense hot flashes so that was fun too. Can't say my day wasn't eventful.

I eventually pulled my shit together, as I can usually do, and got myself over to my sister's house to celebrate with my family. You may be getting the idea at this point that I am super unstable and a really depressed person. That's not all true. Yes, I am incredibly unstable right now so keeping your distance is well advised, but I am not a completely miserable person. I still have a lot of happy moments but those ones aren't as fun to tell you guys about because then it seems like I'm bragging. I'd rather show you all my lowest and most pathetic moments because those are more fun to laugh at. I may have some pretty sick humor, take it up with my family, they taught me this behavior. Anyways, Christmas with my family was enjoyable as always. They usually pull me out of my funk; it's probably the sick sense of humor we all share. The rest of Christmas was relaxed and uneventful, nothing to write home about. I was super thankful for a mellow Christmas this year; it's exactly what we needed after the hectic year we just barely made it through.

The following week was blah. The week between Christmas and New Years always feels off, like no one knows what day it is, everything is dark and dreary, time doesn't exist and the only thing there is to do is eat all the left over crap from Christmas. I mean, am I wrong? I spent my week on a boat. Don't get all jealous, I wasn't actually on a boat, my body just felt like it. It's a fun adventure MS has added to my life. It's awesome! I always get to feel like I'm on a sweet ocean vacation but I'm actually just bashing between the stall walls in the bathroom at work. Literally. I sway back and forth and ping-pong between walls. It's cool though, I just tell everyone I'm drunk. This is probably frowned upon at work but screw it, I like to live on the edge.

New Years Eve came up fast. As usual, Paul and I made plans to go out and drink with friends to ring in the new year the correct way, drunk. And, as usual, my body wasn't cooperating. Friday I had some cool burning whilst peeing. You're welcome for the TMI. I for sure thought a UTI was going to ring in the new year with me. Saturday I woke up to burning while peeing, horrible pelvic and back cramps and my most favorite friend...my monthly destroyer. Blood. Blood? Wait, what the f*ck? I am on lupron for this exact reason, to keep this guy at bay. My cool body just does whatever the hell it wants though. It defies all the odds, but not in the cool matrix style way, more of in the "you have a .02% chance of experiencing this side effect" way...and then I experience the side effect. Sunday, New Years Eve, I woke up to even more pain, blood and tears. Oh God, so many tears. This is really becoming the norm for me. The day was spent curled up with heating pads on my front and back with intermittent sobbing. Mostly, I was disappointed my plans for the night would now be laying on the couch trying not to die. Another thing my body ruined for us.

I'm starting to lose sight of why I'm doing the lupron at all. It was supposed to be a way to give my body a six month break from the bleeding and pain, but it just rears it's ugly head anyways. Oh well, one more month to go. My doctor gave me estrogen patches to help with the 'she-devil' side-effect of the lupron. Estrogen is one of endometriosis' main catalysts but I figured my doctors knew what they were doing putting me on it. Guess not. It's the reason for the most recent pain and bleeding. Now I'm in this weird vortex of taking lupron to help with pain and bleeding and taking estrogen to help with the lupron only to end up with pain and bleeding. Um, what? This sure makes a lot of sense.

So anyways, Paul and I rang in the New Year sound asleep. Leading up to that, we binge-watched Black Mirror on Netflix and ate complete garbage since we're back to our healthier way of life today. By the way, if you haven't watched Black Mirror, go watch it, it's crazy. Also by the way, if you haven't tried Mochi, go buy some. It's my new obsession. The best thing about not going out last night, no hangover today! What a great way to start the new year, haven't done this in years!

Last year, I made the resolution that I was going to get pregnant. 2017 was our year! Smart. Really set myself up for failure with that one. Do me a favor and do not make a resolution that is not within your control. I may have not ended up with a baby, but you know what awesome thing 2017 did give to me? MS. I hope you can feel my sarcasm oozing out of your screen right now. No but really, set goals for the year that are obtainable and within your control. That is exactly what I have done this year. My three goals that I can achieve every single day are to eat healthy, move my body and ease my mind. Easy enough, right? Side note, if I say "exercise" I will not do it; I hate exercising. If I say "move my body," I'll definitely do it because it's fun. I specifically like to move my body to music. No one else really likes when I do this though. I may have the most awkward white girl moves you've ever seen, but I'm doing the damn thing, so deal with it, or avert your eyes. Also, my goal of easing my mind can be achieved in many different ways and will always be something I enjoy so I can't possibly fail at that. I can meet that goal daily by reading something I enjoy, writing to you fine folks, writing more privately, yoga, listening to music or trying something new. Meditation is something new I'm dabbling in. I have a crazy loud and obnoxious mind and getting it to quiet is definitely going to take some practice so wish me luck!

I'm not going to say "2018 is our year" because I saw how well that's worked out for me the last few years. 2018 is just another year and who knows what the hell it will bring my way so I'm going to go into it hoping for the best but expecting the worst; that way I can't possibly be disappointed, right? What's that you say? I seem to be a tad pessimistic? Like father like daughter ;) Seriously though, I'm not expecting miracles this year, even though they would be welcomed, but I am expecting to make changes that are within my control. I will take it one day at a time and enjoy each moment, even the moments I'm clutching a heating pad, scream-crying in agony and bleeding more than any human ever should without dying. You're welcome for that visual. Happy New Year my people!

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aliceellablog · 7 years

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Can’t really think of a title for this one... awks...

Hello blog readery people :) So it’s Saturday afternoon and I’m not gonna lie I’m in a bit of a weird mood, kind of an in-between mood… am I happy? Meh… am I sad? Meh… I don’t even know anymore…. I can tell you one thing though, I have been SO EMOSH!!! - I am in the process of coming off my antidepressants which I’ve been on for 14 years and it’s naaaaat been easy. I’ve cried freakin’ rivers, ok, probably puddles- but hey theres a lot of water in a puddle!! - and I have also laughed like, a lot. It’s like I can feel everything so much deeper than before, and I’m still not sure if I am doing the ‘right’ thing or not…. it’s like, do I keep taking a chemical that affects my brain and dulls all my feelings a bit and makes it harder to cry... or do I FEEL everything but maybe get some of the highs back too?!?! Time will tell eh!!

So my last two weeks has been pretty good I guess :) Can’t complain too much… although I’m sure that’s basically what I’m about to do! ;) I’ve had a few great writing sessions beginning of the week including one with Reece who is mega awesome!! We wrote and recorded a topline for a proper coooool song- thing is, we were both so sure we nailed it, and it’s a song I’ve had stuck in my head ever since and feel it’s SO strong, but we didn’t get the bloody cut did we!!! :(

It’s such a shit industry, where you just constantly do your best work and put hours and days and weeks (sometimes years!) into songs and send them off to usually not even get a response, or to get a ‘no’, and then you’ve just gotta pick yourself right back up and do it over again, and again until one day (please for the love of god) you get a yes! And even then I’ve had ‘yes’s back which then haven’t actually happened…. It’s cool though I’m sure we will use what we wrote on another song but it’s just that constant rejection that makes you doubt if you’re any good or if you should bother again- but of course I do! I have to! Even when it’s a ‘no’ I love writing songs more than anything and am pretty damn determined!!!!

Mid week I had a few meetings with some people I have been potentially thinking of working with - I think they went pretty well, but again I am never quite sure wether to mention my health or just cross that bridge if and when…. I usually just see what the vibe is and on this occasion the guy I met with actually told me all about his health issues so I went for it! You never know who is suffering what and we seemed to bond over this so that was good!

I had a few admin days and days of resting but then had a mega awesome night on the Thursday! A good friend of mine who works in publishing invited me down to ‘Fekky’s album listening party- he is a well known rapper signed to Universal & Island Records and it was an industry event so I had to go!!! I had all the usual worries… will there be a queue to get in, will there be anywhere to sit, what if I feel too ill and have to go home bla bla bla, but all worked out SO well!! I got a bus all the way there (massive win for me legs!!) and then the night went without a hitch. I met so many great industry people and got lots of email addresses!!! I have of course done all me follow up emails and really hope something comes of it! It was also great to meet Fekky and hear the album- not totally the kind of music I am ‘into’ but genuinely really enjoyed it :) And great to catch up with Ben too! GOOD PEOPLES!!

The next day was a rest day and then in the evening it was one of my best friend Katie’s birthday dinner. I felt so shite. I’d almost cancelled a few times but pulled it together and was sure I could get through it, but for me it basically sucked balls. I’d been in tears because I’d felt so unwell all day and on the way there but was not going to turn up crying at someone elses birthday thang!! (Even I wouldn’t do that ;) So I got there and I smiled. I really tried to smile lots, but when people asked me how I was I had to change the subject as I literally couldn’t talk about anything to do with me without bursting into tears. MAJOR AWKWARD.

My best friends who I live with were all there and all I wanted to do was tell them how gutted I was feeling and collapse in a heap on the floor and cry my eyes out - and I really do mean gutted- heartbroken- I get into this place of utter despair quite quickly, as though my life is completely over and not worth living and that I just can’t do it anymore, and like no-one understands. I think it was brought on because I’d had such a great night the night before and made all these great contacts and then had woken up feeling so ill that I was in bed / on the sofa all day, and so it was like, what’s the point of me even going to that event and networking if I can’t even really function the day after - how am I meant to live the lifestyle of a singer / songwriter when I have to rest all the bloody time - ok so just writing that sentence has made me well up…. I just can’t put into words how much I want to be well enough to follow my dream and work at it every day. I know I should be grateful that I managed to go to that event in the first place…. But it’s just not enough. Ugh, anyway… I got through the dinner part of it but then had to leave. They were drinking and having fun and it was like being on a diet sat with ALL the cakes in-front of you.

I could’t sit and watch them- I’m sure this sounds so bitter- ofcourse I am so glad that Katie had a lovely birthday and of course I want my friends to all be happy but I obviously have major jealousy issues!!! So I said my goodbyes and they were all very sweet to me and I left. As soon as I got out of the door I phoned my poor mum and sobbed down the phone. I could hardly breathe I had been holding it in for so long! I had a complete crying panic attack at kings cross station but luckily mumma bear was on the end of the phone to make everything that little bit better. I spoke to her and my wonderful step dad for about half an hour and they kind of got me to just focus on one thing at a time, like getting home, getting to bed, and what I had to do the next day…. Which just so happened to be a gig day- probably also why I felt so panicked about everything!!

The next day was like I say, gig day- The only money I have coming in at the moment is function gigs, so weddings, birthday parties, cooperate events etc and I really do love them….. but never really feel well enough to enjoy them!! However, this one went pretty well! I took my lil’ gigging stool with me as my legs just get too painful if I stand up on stage the whole time. And what with a mix of determination and adrenaline I got through the gig.

Then the Sunday was spent in bed all day - I couldn’t even get out of bed to pee until about 4pm…which probably aint good for ya!! Sorry…. TMI!!! But I was SHATTERED… so ordered takeaway and did utter nothing all day :) - At least I felt like I’d done something to deserve this rest though :)

The next week was again a mixture of resting days and meetings, oh and a Crohns flare up I think…. I know I only really talk about my M.E. on here, but I guess I should try and be a bit more open about my Crohns… my bowels certainly are ;) (see what I did there) hahaha… but Yea, I’m not gonna go into too much detail don’t worry… but last week really did have a fair few ‘moments’ where I really fucking hated my silly silly body and what very random situations it had gotten me into….. I had a little op a few months ago and am getting all the results etc next week when I see my Crohns specialist… so fingers and legs crossed she can help!! I’m sure I’ll let ya know ;)

Then I went home to Sussex these last few days to see my cat, mum and stepdad (in that order!! Haha - JOKING) and go to the dreaded dentist!! Ahhhh!!! - it actually went ok but I do have to have a filling (woi oi) in a few weeks so I will be bloody terrified then!! Is ANYONE ok about going to the dentist? Please do tell me…..nah didn’t’t think so!!

Right… I’m gonna go and paint flamingos on my nails now - as you do! Oh I haven’t mentioned it yet- tomorrow is our yearly house party so I am sooooo looking forward to it! I am praying to the M.E. gods that I am well enough to enjoy it at least for a bit!! So I’ll tell you all the #clubtropicana (party theme) goss next time!! Let’s see if I can get away with having one drink!! Maybe even two! Ah!

- Please do feel free to get in touch if you want to- I will reply ASAP and LOVE hearing from you guys! You are all wonderful and having this support network means a lot :) We can get through all these shitty times together right?? Right!! ;) xxx Mwa xxx

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babylon-bitch · 7 years

Text

Just Friends ~ Surprises (part 25)

Harper White is best friends with Luke Hemmings, they always have been. Not only is she friends with the rockstar, but with the rest of 5 Seconds Of Summer, as well as a really nice girl named Erika

Harper has a few secrets, she can play all the instruments the boys play and many more. It’s a talent she has kept hidden, only very few people know.

What will happen to the six teens, wondering around the world together?

Warnings: swearing

***

It’s been two weeks since the boys have left, and I’ve been a fucking mess. I mean when am I not, to be honest. Erika has tried to help me but she hasn’t really had much experience with mental health problems.

I’ve spoken to the boys a lot, they’ve helped me be happy, but as soon as I end the call I sink back into darkness. Luke especially has helped me, mainly because he’s worried about me, but he knows how to deal with me.

I’ve missed him so much, a couple of nights ago I called him up crying down the phone, just letting everything out. I really needed his arms around me that night, I got through it though, on my own unfortunately.

My mother is back from her trip, she hasn’t said much about it, neither am I interested to be fair. A bit mean, I know, but she’s been on them for the last couple of years and I’ve gotten used to it.

I’ve just got back from my ‘studio’ I guess you could call it, Luke and I have never given it a name - that’s something we should do though. I’m meeting up with Erika, because we have literally nothing else to do. We had nothing to do with the boys around anyway but there were more people to talk to, rather than just two.

“Hello.” I smile as much as I can at this moment in time and hug her.

“Hey, how have you been?” She asks.

“As good as I can be I guess, you?” I shrug and she sends me a sympathetic smile.

“I’m great.” She grins.

At least one of is.

“So what do you want to do?” I question.

“Umm, don’t have a clue.” She chuckles.

“Helpful.” I smile sarcastically.

“Do you wanna go to your house?” She suggests.

“Yeah, I’m fed up with fresh air.”

We walk away from the park and on my way to my house.

Passing Luke’s house on the way, I look up into his bedroom. Seeing his blue lampshade, the amount of hours we’ve spent looking up at his ceiling in silence, holding hands.

Memories.

Inserting my key into the lock and twisting, the door opens and I step in, Erika following behind me. Walk up the stairs and into my bedroom, sitting on the edge of my bed.

Pulling my phone out and scrolling through Twitter. Suddenly realising that I’m getting a lot of hate. About me hanging out with Luke and the other boys, and one that really caught my eye is about my mental health. Now I’ve not told our subscribers about my mental health issues, so I dont know how they know. Maybe I’m not such a great actor.

I put on this really happy act, but as soon as the camera turns off I’m back to my normal fucked up self.

“Are you getting any hate?” I question.

“No more than usual.” She shrugs.

I frown, and continue to scroll through all of the mean tweets. “Stop scrolling through them.” Erika warns.

“You’re right.” I sigh and lock my phone, throwing it to the other side of my bed.

My laptop starts to ring and I see Luke calling me. Rolling over and accepting the call.

Suddenly Michael, Luke and Ashton pop up on my screen. “Hello.” I genuinely smile.

“How are you?” Luke asks.

I shrug in response and he gets the message. “So what have you been doing?” Ashton questions.

“Well Erika and I have just come back from the park and that’s about it.” I say and turn my laptop towards Erika, she waves.

“Hi.” Michael grins.

“What about you guys?” I ask.

“Not much to be honest, just practicing and messing around really.” Ashton answers.

“Where’s Calum?” I question.

“He is talking to his mum on the phone.” Michael tells me.

Erika comes and lays on top of my back, making me let out a groan. “Ugh, get off.” I laugh.

“You can’t do that, that’s my job.” Luke pouts.

“Sorry Luke, but until you’re gone I’m going to have to fill in boyfriend duties.” She grins

“Alright, just no kissing and no sex.” He warns.

“I agree with that too.” I tell her.

“Eh, I’ll try and keep my hands off her.” She smirks.

“No! I do that, not you, or anyone else in fact.” He pouts.

“Well I better get going, I’ll be ready for you babe.” Erika winks at me, starting to climb off me.

“Good, be ready for some kinky shit.” I say.

“Yep, I’ll set it up. Bye boys.” She smiles and walks out of my bedroom.

“Bye!” I call over my shoulder to her.

I hear the door close and I turn back to my laptop. “Well, we’ll leave you on that note.” Michael chuckles.

“We’ll give you and Luke some time for Skype sex, bye.” Ashton smirks.

“Wow you’re so funny you guys!” I sarcastically laugh.

“Fuck off.” Luke groans and they leave.

“So how has tour been?” I ask.

“Really fun, tiring though.” He smiles.

“Yeah, I bet. So where are you going to be next week?” I question.

“Umm I don’t know exactly but we’re going to be around Queensland.” He answers.

I nod, an idea coming to mind.

“I miss you guys.” He sadly smiles.

“We miss you too.”

“Have you been on Twitter today?” He questions.

“Yeah.” I sigh.

“I don’t know why all of a sudden they decide to hate on you.” Luke says.

“I’m used to it I guess, maybe it’s just getting to me now because of my mental state.” I said.

“I wish I could ask them to stop, but then they would get what they want, as well as drawing attention to it all.”

“I’ve dealt with it for the past few years, sometimes it gets to you, sometimes it doesn’t, usually the latter. I just want to curl up into a ball and watch Harry Potter, with you also.” I bitterly chuckle.

“You got much homework?” He asks smugly.

“Loads. Can’t I just drop out a play in your band?” I groan.

“What are you going to play?” He laughs.

If only he knew.

“I don’t know the triangle.” I huff and he laughs.

“Only you Harper, only you.”

***

I got off of Skype with Luke about an hour ago, we just chatted and messed around for a while, smiling for the first time in a while.

“So I was thinking that we could go on a road trip.” I muse.

“To.” Erika drags out.

“Go visit the boys, I mean we could fly if you don’t feel like driving.” I suggest.

“But we have school.” She points out.

“Half term this week, you idiot.” I say.

“Obviously, we don’t tell them.” Erika tells me.

“Sometimes, you are so stupid.” I mutter.

“Yeah well, I don’t have a come back so shut the fuck up.” She laughs.

“So are we driving or not?” I ask.

“I don’t think I could be bothered to drive that much.”

“Plane it is then.”

“How long do we stay for?” She ask.

“Only a couple of days, I don’t want to stay a long time. I just need a breather, and a get away will do perfectly.” I sigh.

“Okay, so this will be?” She questions.

“Umm well I saw that they will be in Brisbane in a few days. It’s Sunday now, and I read that they’ll be there on Tuesday or Wednesday. We’ll work from there.” I explain.

“I’m excited now.” She squeals.

“Me too.” I smile and just imagine the look on their faces.

“You and Luke can get it on, again.” Erika teases.

“Oh, yes we will.” I laugh.

“Eww, tmi, did not need to know that. Now that’s all I can think of.” She says in distress.

“You can’t expect me to not fuck my boyfriend after two weeks of absolutely nothing.” I reason with her. “I would expect the same from you and Ashton.” I throw a jab at her.

She flips me off and shakes her head laughing.

***

It’s Wednesday morning and Erika and I are heading off to Brisbane. I had to negotiate with my parents, but they finally let me fly out.

I spoke to the boys yesterday and it was funny because they haven’t gone a single clue that we’re going to see them.

We booked hotels instead of being on their bus, mainly because we don’t want to be sleeping on there, Erika is a bit claustrophobic also, and…

Maybe another reason for staying in a hotel is because I can have sex with Luke in private and a lot easily.

Just saying.

I’m looking forward to seeing them perform to be honest, I used to go to all of their shows.

We’re going for three days, possibly four. The flight takes around an hour and a half.

Erika and I are currently in the airport, waiting to get on our flight.

My phone buzzes and I look down to see I have a text from Luke.

Luke: where are you?

Shit.

Me: at home, why?

Luke: oh, I just saw a picture of you and Erika in what looks like an airport.

Me: no not us, I wish though. I’m at home and I don’t know where Erika is.

Luke: send me a picture then.

Luckily I have a picture that I sent to Erika a couple of months back of me sitting on my sofa at home.

Me: believe me now?

Luke: yeah, I wish you were though…

Me: maybe next time :(

Luke: okay, I have to go now, talk to you later. Love you x

Me: k bye love you too x

That was close.

“Someone has snapped a picture of us and Luke has seen it.” I tell Erika.

“Shit, what did you do?”

“I sent him a picture I sent you a couple of months back of me at home.” I answer.

“So he doesn’t know?” She ask.

“Nope, not yet at least.”

A voice calls out our flight and we make our way to go and board it.

We’re currently making our way through the airport. The flight was alright, a bit of a bumpy landing and popped ears, other than that its all okay.

“Fuck, I’m so excited.” I giggle.

We go up to a taxi and I tell him the address of the hotel. Getting into the back, the taxi driver starts making his way.

Making small talk with Chris (his name) and I go on my phone. “So let’s go to our hotel rooms and take a nap, then stay there for a while.” Erika says.

“Yeah, and then surprise them.” I grin.

It takes about 35 minutes to get to our hotel, we’ve just paid and we’re checking in.

Collecting our individual keys, and walking into the elevator. “I can’t wait, I feel like a child on Christmas.” I chuckle.

“Me too.”

The doors open and we part ways into our separate rooms.

Opening my suitcase and changing into some jeans and a flannel shirt, undoing some buttons, showing a bit of cleavage, as opposed to some yoga pants and a crop top.

I hear a knock at my door so I go and open it, still doing some buttons up. “Hello.” I smile at Erika.

“Sexy.” She winks and makes her way to my bed.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“There is a cleaning lady in my room and the sexual tension in there is unbearable so I came here.” She shrugs.

“Right.” I nod. “If I do this up, will I look like a lesbian?” I question and demonstrate.

“No, but I think you should wear something under under it and undo all the buttons.” She suggests.

I shrug and put a black crop top on with white stripes which has ¾ length sleeves.

This outfit looks alright without the flannel, and its comfy.

Finishing it all off I put on some black chunky ankle boots with a heel. “What do you think?” I ask.

“Looks great, Luke won’t be able to keep his hands off you.” She smirks.

I roll my eyes and start doing my makeup.

***

We’ve just gotten to the venue, and I’m kind of panicking. What if he is making out with another girl? What if he doesn’t love me anymore?

“Stop, he loves you.” Erika says.

“I know.” I sigh.

We know their security team, so they let us in easily. We’re on our way to their dressing room, just a couple minutes away.

Turning a corner I see their dressing room, hearing the music blasting out of some speakers.

Walking in, they have their backs to us and Ashton is shirtless.

“SUPRISE!” Erika and I shout in unison.

They quickly turn around and their eyes widen, all of them sporting huge smiles. “Oh my God! Harper!” Luke smiles and runs up to me.

I wrap my arms around his waist and take in his scent. “What are you doing here?” He questions.

“I came here to see you, I needed to get away from home so I decided to come here.” I explain.

“Are you o-” I cut him off my pressing my lips to his.

I just don’t want to answer that question to be honest, it seems he doesn’t mind either because he is as eager as I am.

He gently holds my waist and I wrap an arm around his neck. “Okay I understand that you haven’t seen each other in a while, but I really don’t want to see this.” Ashton complains.

Luke and I flip him off, Luke swipes his tongue along my bottom lip, I gladly accept it and part my lips, both exploring each others mouths and hands roaming all over our bodies.

After a while we reluctantly part and smile at each other. “You’re actually here.” He whispers as he presses his forehead against mine.

“Yeah.” I chuckle.

“Are you coming to the show tonight.” He questions.

“Of course! Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I say.

“How long are you here for?” He asks.

“3 maybe 4 days.” I tell him.

“Where are you staying?”

“At a hotel.”

He smirk forms on his lips and I laugh.

“After the show Hemmings.”

I hug and say hi to all the other boys who are just as happy to see us as Luke. “So how have you been?” Michael asks.

“Been better.” I sigh.

“You never told us what happened. Like all of a sudden you were sad and never said anything about it.” Calum brings up.

I humorlessly chuckle and shake my head. “Well I don’t know what happened either. Like I came back from school one day and I felt so fucking down and empty. Everything was/is perfect, but I still feel down. You guys going away probably didn’t help.” I explain.

“Oh, I’m sorry to here that.” Ashton frowns.

“Did you know?” Michael asks Luke.

“Of course I did.”

“Oh that explains what you said at the airport.” Erika blurts out.

“What?” Ashton question confused.

“Oh shit did I say that out loud?”

We all nod. “Luke told me to look after you, and I didn’t know why but now I know.” She explains.

“Sometimes you remind me of Pheobe from Friends.” Luke mutters.

It’s a while later and the show starts in 15 minutes we’re all just messing around when Emperors New Clothes bye Panic! At The Disco comes on. Luke and I both look at each other wide eyed and smirk.

The amount of times we’ve sang this together.

Luke Luke starts off sexily sings the first verse being all dramatic about it. The high note is coming along and Luke points at me, I grab the air dramatically as I sing it.

The songs ends and we all laugh. Towards the end everyone joined in and it was a cool moment we all shared.

“Well, we better get going, see you after the show.” Erika says.

“Yeah. Good luck babe.” I tell Luke and kiss him.

“Thanks.” He smiles and kisses my forehead.

“Uh babe, where is my kiss?” Calum questions.

“Here.” I say and kiss his cheek winking at Luke as I do it, enjoying Luke tensing up.

“My first kiss!” He shrieks.

“Bye have a good one.” Erika calls as we walk away.

***

We’re halfway through the show now and its been really fun. I haven’t been to a concert in ages and this is a great comeback.

They’re currently just talking and messing around.

“So, there are some special people here tonight.” Michael starts off.

“Some people we love dearly.” Luke smiles.

“Someone Luke especially loves a lot.” Ashton teases.

Luke shakes his head and looks up at us. I flip him off and he repeats my actions. “Oh look there’s Luke’s girlfriend, I was looking for you guys. They wouldn’t tell us where they were. It was like Where’s Wally.” Michael blurts out.

My jaw drops and I facepalm. “Michael.” Calum groans.

“Well there’s our cover gone.” Luke laughs.

“Sorry.” He laughs. “I’m not really.” He whispers into the mic.

“Yes, I have a girlfriend, I’m not going to say who it is, but I think we all know who it is…” Luke trails off and looks up at me, mouthing ‘sorry’.

“Well done! It wasn’t that hard, so I don’t know why you guys kept it a secret for so long.” Calum pokes.

“Well I wasn’t the one who wanted to keep it a secret.” Luke takes a jab.

“I fucking hate him sometimes.” I laugh.

I they continue playing the rest of the show and Erika and I carry on singing along as well as cheering, just being a fangirl of my boyfriend’s band.

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audsandends · 7 years

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Depression and meds stuff. Too much TMI information.

If anyone’s wondering, i’m on 200mg Lamictal, 150 Effexor xr, .25 klonopin for sleep, 60mg buspar.

Yesterday I saw my therapist and recounted my week since I last saw him, day by day.

Tuesday I was numb, but relieved about it because I was happy to not be suicidal/self-harmy.

Wednesday I was numb and bored, and got very distressed about it so that I had to miss my partners’ kid’s 7th birthday. It was a face-down-on-the-floor thing, then moved to the bed to cry.

Thursday I started out numb and ended up crying in an uber. I was then distracted by my boyfriend, a friend, a dog, and David Tennant.

Friday I was suicidal at 8am, then broke my No Music rule and listened to a fuckton of Green Day. Texted my bf, he rescheduled his day to take me to lunch because i’m “more important than meetings” or some bs like that. It got better after that, and that evening I had a second awkward date with this guy Vik who seems nice and intelligent, but I can’t see myself in any kind of relationship with him except one where we talk and he buys me things and he doesn’t try to kiss me at the end of the date bc it was super awkward and he ended up kissing my forehead and doing a christian side hug

Saturday was Elora’s party, so I spent the day interacting with 7 year olds and it was a lot of fun. They’re cool because they genuinely don’t give a shit about what you do, as long as you let them play and teach them how to make cootie catchers and paper snowflakes

Sunday, they discovered that Elora had lice, so I went over to help de-louse and use the insecticide shampoo. I ended up staying all afternoon and went with them to dinner at a really great mexican place.

Monday was MLK day, and I was promised a walk in “nature” but instead we visited a winery with a fucking backyard and a lake with angry geese. This was followed by a visit to Hank’s Diner which everyone loved, but honestly nothing was good except the pies. I was burnt out pretty much all day, but wasn’t thinking about my mental state.

Side note: Sat. Sun. Mon. were all spent with Jason, Dawn, Elora, and Jason’s mom. Who doesn’t know that the three of us are together. She’s very nice and gave me cookies from Malaysia. But it was like being in the closet in high school and by Monday I was p much done with that shit, but I knew if I didn’t go with them, I wouldn’t leave the bed all day so i went anyway.

So Monday night I saw my therapist, told him all of this, that most days I’m still having suicidal thoughts and urges to hurt myself, also that I’m not really able to take care of myself like shower, eat enough, laundry, brush my fucking teeth, and cooking, healthy diet, and exercise are wayy out of the realm of possibility. I also have no interest or satisfaction from things that I usually enjoy, but this isn’t new. I’ve accepted that I will have mediocre sleep with waking up at least twice during the night, and I’m okay with it.

My therapist thinks this, along with the new symptom of numbness, is cause to see the psychiatrist as soon as I can. The thing is, I don’t even particularly care. That should be really fucking scary, because normally I would be freaking out if I thought the medicine wasn’t working and that it’s not getting better. It’s not getting better, but I don’t really care. I wonder if I’m in a haze. I have resigned myself to this life. Like, maybe it will get better someday. But i’m just going to keep doing this, going to work, printing out emails, not doing my laundry and watching days pass on my Civil War calendar (January is Vision, who i love, and who has surprisingly muscular thighs for an AI). I think i’m tending towards isolating, too. Not that it’s hard. I did opposite-action and made plans with Tom for tomorrow evening, but other than that I have nobody who wants to see me on a regular basis, and my datemates can’t see me without mom.

Speaking of mothers, I haven’t talked to mine in a while. She texted that my grandparents both have the flu, so I called them. As an example of my apathy, I actually told my mean grandma how shitty i’ve been doing lately, how i’ve been suicidal almost every day, and even she said i need to see the psychiatrist. She also told me to “call when you feel down, even if it’s the middle of the night” which is very nice for her to say. Then she got uncomfortable and complained about my grandpa some more. I know she cares about me, but there is literally nothing she would do for me if I called her like that except kick me while i’m down or manipulate me. Anyways, I can’t call my mother if I don’t have good news. If I can’t say ‘I’m doing okay’ without lying, she’ll know and try to tell me how hard she’s got it. Which is very hard, ngl but it only makes me feel worse.

I feel like I’ve had a cry in my chest all day.

#personal #depression #meds talk #suicidality

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