#and Ik that’s not healthy but i really just hate seeing myself that much

[youraveragemushroom]

♡♡♡♡

#. #im understanding sisyphus a lot better now #or rather just greek irony a lot more #nobody was doing purgatory or hell the way they greeks were #sorry i was thinking of tantalus yeah thats whats happening to me #cause i like cooking i like food #i wanna say maybe to some im actually good at it or something maybe #but i also cant it more than one meal a day if that or else i go to really dark places mentally and feel like shit physically #like its bad and ik i should work on reversing the whole ED situation #but unintentionally or not ive invested too much into this sinking ship to not see it through #its not that bad i swear ik it could be worse and im not encouraging it to worsen #but like is it bad id rather it get worse than i recover? #no yeah thats bad its bad damn oh well its not like its not obvious im like transparent w this shit i bet nobodys said anything tho so its #it cant be that bad cause nobodys said anything #doesnt mean they havent noticed but hey theyre also the same ppl who are happy im marginally less fat and kinda on the right path #like if i hadnt fucked this week up then i wouldve hit 25 probably #i def did hit 25 one day but yeah atm its 20 and if i put in the effort which i hate how hopeful it sounds i know its bad but fuck i cant #care about morality and shit anymore nothing good has come of being moral or healthy or trying to get better #the only thing thats working rn is this so maybe if in a few months i hit that dream number maybe itll make it easier to not kill myself #like sure it wont change everything else wrong but even if im alone at least 40 pounds lighter i wont mind living w myself #like even if it makes no difference to anyone at least maybe i can look in the mirror for longer than a few seconds before starting to cry #i thought there would be more good days before things got bleak but now its like hard to tell myself its worth holding out for the next ones #i dont mean ​worth in a suicidal way #but like yeah no i cant find reasons to be happy and that should be scary except its been months and im just tired now #i cant believe ive gotten to this level of defeat i didnt think this was achievable outside like a literary context #goodnight and happy v day i guess cheers

[sadie-bug345]

dating dal headcanons?

yessss i love me some hcs of my husband🥰😃

i feel like people really hc him as either like “he’s a big softie” or “HE HATES YOU AND THERES NUTHIN YOU CAN DO ABT IT”

and i feel like it’s a mix ngl

like i do think you two have fun together cause like pony and johnny still hang out w him at the drive in

even though he’s being a harassing jerk🏃‍♀️💨

and he does actually care

but in a more protective kinda way

i feel like he rarely talks that much abt you to anyone other than the gang cause he feels weird abt mentioning someone as important to him as you to just anyone

and to the gang he does overall mention you a LOT

but it’s over a long period of time

not super big on PDA ik a good amt of people hc him as like “he wants to show you’re his” but dally gives the type to actually throw up when couples are all lovey dovey

like he sees even a cute old couple holding hands and gets triggered

i feel like it’s all in the subtleness cause guys got a reputation🙄🙄

but you wear his ring on a chain or his st christopher necklace

which is good enough for you

i feel like when he does open up to you (which is RARE)

especially at first he’ll like share some aggressive twisted thought abt wanting to beat up everyone (smth along those lines, make of that what you will) and you’re just like

🧍‍♀️”what did i just get myself into”

and he’s just like “😐what did i just get myself into”

LMAOOO

you just help him tone it down and express his emotions in a HEALTHY WAY

in a STABLE environment

cause that is what guy needs😭😭😭

i feel like he goes from talking stage to talking stage and then like super long breaks without like any wholesome natural female interaction

so when dal just keeps briefly mentioning you over a period of months everyone’s like

”😟it’s still happening”

when he gets you flowers for valentine’s day it’s DEF darry’s and sodas idea and he hands them to you like a 9 year old boy thinks he’s too cool for his mom

like he’ll just kinda push them into your arms and then looks to see if anyone’s watching

like BRO no one is out here looking for evidence that you’re whipped ok???

it’s kinda obvious 🙄

TYSM FOR REQUESTINGGG IM REALLY TRYNA GET THESE DONE‼️‼️

#dallas winston #dallas winston x reader #matt dillon #the outsiders

[splishsplashyouropinionistrash]

welcome welcome, it’s been a while.

but we’re back now with tumblr’s favorite show: AFTG Hot Takes, where i spew paragraphs and paragraphs of bullshit instead of working on my WIP.

without any further ado, i am proud to present: every AFTG ship, ranked.

this is your friendly reminder that these are just my opinions. if you like a ship i don’t: great! if you don’t like a ship that i love: also great! i’m always happy to hear people’s thoughts, and i love a good friendly debate, but please remember that i’m 17. i’m not here to argue with you about why your ship is the best. i’m just here to have fun.

these probably aren’t all the ships that are out there, but this is everything i’ve seen so far. if i missed one, let me know!

24. Jean/Riko

this one… ew. ew ew ew. every ship with riko is so ew, i cannot begin to explain, but this one is the worst.

i’ve read too many Nest fics to not gag at this tag, cause it’s never consensual.

23. Kevin/Riko

just no.

moving on.

22. Kevin/Thea

y’all know i hate this ship by now, but for newcomers: it’s predatory and neglectful. very very ick.

21. Andrew/Roland

this one… where to start?

i’ll probably make a full post ab it soon, so for now, let’s just say that it’s very similar to Kevin/Thea. The age gap at the time that things started between them… the morals and legality are murky at best.

20. Andrew/Kevin

i’ve said it once, and i’ll say it again: they. aren’t. good. for. each. other.

Kevin doesn’t respect boundaries. he pushes things. and boundaries are the absolute most important thing for Andrew. they just don’t work.

19. Andrew/Neil/Kevin

i very vehemently despise this ship, for the same reason i hate Andrew/Kevin. i think it’s so important for y’all to remember who these characters are and not just ship them because they all have dicks and are nice to each other sometimes. that turns into mlm fetishization real fuckin quick.

18. Neil/Kevin

this is one that i can almost sort of see. if i hadn’t accidentally spoiled andreil for myself, i would have assumed this was canon during my first read.

but it’s just… i love the fact that they’re friends. i think their friendship can be so amazing, and i love reading fics where they’re that close. i don’t think every friendship in media has to turn romantic.

17. Kevin/Jean/Jeremy

remember what i said about kevandreil? apply it to this one too.

ik it sounds like i just hate poly couples. i don’t. i just hate ships like this, that really wouldn’t be healthy but people put together anyway because oh gay people yay! it feels gross and fetish-y and i am not here for it.

16. Kevin/Jean

this is a ship that i can see happening pre-canon, but i’m not the biggest fan of it simply because there’s no way it could be healthy. they went through a lot together, sure, but traumabonds are notoriously unhealthy.

15. Kevin/Matt

this, again, feels like just putting two characters together because they’re nice to each other occasionally, but really? they aren’t. correct me if i’m wrong, but Matt and Kev only have one canon interaction that i can remember, and it’s literally Matt punching Kev in the face.

Not to mention, Dan and Matt. Dan and Matt! i love them too much to accept this.

14. Kevin/Matt/Aaron

listen. again, i don’t hate poly couples. i really, really don’t. i just…

Matt literally… just doesn’t mesh well with Kev or Aaron. at all? i don’t understand the thought process behind this.

13. Renee/Jean

i don’t… i don’t hate this one. i just don’t like it. i feel like both Renee and Jean have wayyy better ships (not to spoil anything, but they both make top 5 in different ships)

i don’t think they’re awful, per se, i just don’t really see the chemistry.

12. Allison/Seth

this is an unpopular opinion, i know. but i’ve read a few “Seth lives” fics that redeem him, so i can’t hate him. i can’t, you can’t make me.

believe me, i don’t like it either, but i don’t run this city, the rats do.

anyway, it’s not awesome and i like Ally’s other options better, but it could be good! it could be great! i read too much redemption fanfic!

11. Kevin/Jeremy

i’ll be honest, it’s not my favorite to read when Jean is also in a fic, but if we’re talking in general?

i adore. fics where Kev is falling all over himself trying to talk to Jer are my bread. and. fucking. butter. quicksand has destroyed me. absolutely ruined me.

10. Aaron/Katelyn

starting off the top ten with one of my favorite minor characters ever, this ship is up here because i love Kate so much.

i read too much fanfiction, i know, but i just think she’s so cool?

honestly, i really don’t think Aaron deserves her. she’s that cool. i love her so much. that’s my lady. my babygirl. simply adore.

9. Abby/Wymack/Betsy

i like this one, i really do. all the Fox parents together? it’s perfect. i love it. enough said.

8. Kevin/Allison

listen. i’ve said i didn’t get it before, but honestly? i change my mind. i like this one. i like it a lot.

their personalities would mesh so well. they’re both dramatic, they’d be the funniest fucking couple in the world. i like it a lot.

7. Abby/Wymack

it’s a classic. i ship it, you ship it, the Foxes ship it too. we all ship it. they’re made for each other, and that’s all i have to say.

6. Matt/Dan

if you don’t like this one, you’re lying. they are. the definition. of love.

they’re so cute? so cute? i have no words?

your honor, i love them.

top five time!!

5. Nicky/Erik

god, these two.

if you know me at all, you know i have a soft spot for Nicky. i relate to his story so much, and i hate how dirty Nora did him.

but god, these two. they are love. they are perfect.

i have no words. i just love them so much

4. Kevin/Aaron

i love this one. you know i love this one. everyone knows i love this one.

they’re both assholes, and they’re both hurt in different ways, and i love when they heal together. when they help each other and lean on each other and just- ugh.

i like watching them heal, and i like watching them do it together. (plus best friend’s brother anyone?? a classic trope)

3. Renee/Allison

i love them so much. i love them so much.

they balance each other out so well? they’re so perfect for each other?

also, we need more wlw couples in media in general, and especially in this series.

i love them so much.

2. Jean/Jeremy

you know. you know i love this one (thank you Hoax, and thank you gus_47. you have ruined my sleep schedule and i have never been happier)

grumpyxsunshine, guys. healing together. i love when people heal together. i love it

also, round of applause to us in the fandom for creating an incredibly popular ship between two people who literally never interact in canon. we did that. i love that for us.

and now, for #1.

1. Andrew/Neil

they are love. they. are. love.

it’s a classic but it’s perfect, and i love them so much. no i will not elaborate (this time)

well! thank you for reading, start a (friendly) fight with me if you want, and drink some water

hugs and kisses <3

#aftg #all for the game #tfc #the foxhole court #aftg textpost #andrew minyard #neil josten #renee walker #allison reynolds #kevin day #aaron minyard #nicky hemmick #erik klose #matt boyd #dan wilds #abby winfield #david wymack #betsy dobson #jeremy knox #jean moreau #thea muldani #riko moriyama #splishsplash originals

[smileymoth]

Im being mentally ill sorry chat

I need to kill myself at this point because I'm never going to get better in any way shape or form. I cant eat healthy because I get fucking weird about it. And I'd be okay with it because frankly I don't care if I make myself sick but at the same time I'm scared I'll die at 40 from heart failure because starvation kills your organs and your heart. But I'd not eat healthy in the first place so would it even matter. I hate that I can't say that I wish I was skinny because that means I'm scum of the earth bc i hate fat people even though I dont I just hate myself and everything to do with me because I'll never be enough for myself because I have crippling dysmorphia that makes me want to kill myself. I can'tlook at myself in the mirror i cant look at photos of myself because i hate my body so bad but i cant change it because i keep fucking eating i need to stop fucking eating i need to start counting calories again if i ever want to be skinny and get surgey god its such a long way to go to be skinny i wish i was underweight i wish i hhadnt gained 25kilos over the span of 3 years i need to kill myself because its all my fault its my fault i cant eat or work out properly or be healthy about it because im too depressed to cook for myself and im addicted to sugar and i have no energy or motivation to do things ever. What if its my fuckibg meds that raise my weight so much what if i went off them what if i stop taking them and eventually kill myself because being dead is bettef than being fat right thats what rhe doctors probably want you to beliebe. I look soooo normal on the outside im like smiling and laughing and i looknormal and happy to other people because i have nothing to prove to them for me beung sick beside them knowing i take meds and me joking about being suicidal. I dont have lost weight nor any scars to show them . God i wish i had the courage to cut my arm up so bad i had to get stitches but i cant because i lovr my mom and my mom loves me toi much and i dont want to worry her i already am terrifued of her seeing the small scars on my thighs . I cant even tell if cutting helps because it gives a nice adrenaline rush but then itd over and i feel guilty bc itll leavw scars that people can see i wish people didnt care aboyt scars i wish they healed and disappeared faster so i wouldnt havw to hide them but i also want them to see because i feel like its the only way i could prove to them that im ill and not just joking about it. I need to starve mtself and get skinny because theb maybe someobe will tell me im pretty because ill finally wear pretty clothes and i need to get rid of my tits and i need ro lose the weight for that abd im so scared i wont be able to . Its only 10 kilos it shouldnt be so scary to lose but i lost 5 in dec/january so before i even went to thw gym and now ibe lost nothing in 2 montjs and its so scary i hatw it i hate that im mentally il i hate that ik not ill enough for anyone to care . Im so pathetic it hurts really i need to kill myself but i cant because of my mom and it sucks . Im never going to get better and im never going to feel pretty enough or good enough in my life im always going to feel like a failure so why am i even trying anymore . I want to die but i dont i just want to be happy but i cant do that so i want to kill myself instead but i cant kill myself soim just stuck in this limbo of wishing i was a better person that im never going to be. I wish i had the self control to just not fucking eatif i cant make proper healthy food for myself i dont deserve it i dont deserve good thibgs i need to get beat up on the street by someone i dont deserve good rhings because i havent earned them im always gking to be a little freak thafs not enough for herself or the world because shes a depressed fat probably autistic freak whose only wish is to be happy and find love that i wont get becayse i cant talk to people. I also need to stop posting my mental breakdowns on tumnlr bc its not helping anyone but here we are. Im not a good person am i

#moth post #ed tw #sh tw

[itsgivingautism]

01/18/24 — Zia rants about being autistic & physically disabled & chronically ill in a fucked ableist society & having to be dependent on their partner

Started to have meltdown over this & other stuff to my partner before he left for work…. I didn’t meant to have a morning meltdown. I found myself shutting down and feeling guilty before he left bc I can recognize it’s hard on him even when he doesn’t wanna show it. But needed a place to rant and ended up going off down below for a like an hour. I don’t want to open up but I made tumblr after not being on here since high school for an outlet for a lot of reasons, with support & encouragement from therapists to do so. But I also hate being perceived. I’m just so fucking annoying tho I somehow always bring attention to myself that I never want….. but I’m also learning to tell my story & share my experiences. As an autistic person late diagnosed who was severely abused throughout my entire childhood opening up, learning to unmask & not shutdown, understanding my own thoughts, feelings, & experiences is so fucking hard.

I am so grateful for my partner but god I wish I was independent. I wish I had the ability to take care of myself. I wish I wasn’t so fucking dependent on his love and support. I wish I wasn’t so needy, or clingy. I wish I wasn’t disabled physically and mentally. I wish I wasn’t so wounded & traumatized. I wish I wasn’t so chronically ill. I wish I wasn’t in autistic burnout, a state of prolonged cognitive decline that one average can last 2-10 years.

I wish I could get a job. Even working from home but my mind can’t even. I’m constantly age regressing and going across different timelines of my mind and getting trapped, constantly disconnecting from this current physical reality even when I seem like a part of it to others - but it’s just automatic masking as a trauma response. All a result of my CPTSD+autism+adhd

I haven’t been able to work a real job since 2020. I’ve been fighting to get the support & benefits I need but constantly being shit on. Having to go thru constant channels to prove how severe my issues are and then being told try this treatment first and when it doesn’t work its still somehow my fault. I’m sick of having to prove my disabilities & illnesses and then when I show how bad they are I’m being dramatic. But when I mask & show strength, I must be making it up. How could you be so strong about then? There’s no winning. Only losing. I don’t see a point in showing weakness or asking for help. But then refusing to and bottling it all up, that has lead me to deeply problematic bad spirals. I just want to be taken seriously by doctors & medical professionals. I hate this country.

I wish I was normal. I hate burdening my partner. Although I know he doesn’t want me to feel like one and he genuinely wants to help me, I also know I stress him out….

I am dependent on him financially while his job is fucking over their contracts, refusing to give him & his coworkers the raises they were supposed to get a year ago. Him and his coworkers have collectively trying to unionize for months (which is the only reason they actually didn’t get a pay cut which the company was tryna do even tho they were supposed to give raises last year) and ofc my partner has been the one leading the unionizing. (We joke about my radicalism really rubbing off on him)

I’m constantly trying to find ways to make money, which end up doing more damage to my body. He hate what it does to me. He wishes he could do more while stuck in his work contract. it’s a lot on him. And I feel like his life would be so much less stressful without me tho….. or at least if I could just be normal & healthy….

Even my friends point out that unless I’m talking about my emotions & trauma I don’t make any sense talking…. like burnout really shows…. It’s embarrassing constantly. I sound like a so clearly disabled most of the time. I used to exceptionally smart & articulate before this burnout. Ik they mean it accepting my but it’s hard when 90% of what I say comes out wrong. It’s hard when I’m trying to be supportive and it sounds like asshole shit bc my issues with speech & cognition. I want to be a lovely validating friend. Not the one they have to dissect my word vomit to find the love & support in foolish clumsily words. I’m technically hyperlexic so I can keep creating words but my other learning disabilities downgrade the quality & meaning of those words.

But I also only make sense when talking about my looping emotions & trauma is bc I only share what I can (the deeper stuff is vaulted by selective mutism & shutdowns). This is the shit going thru my brain, talking to myself about and looping constantly. Ofc it’s the only thing I can talk about. But even most the time I’m still not making sense entirely. But it’s all I can think about, talk to myself about, and it’s all the my brain is giving me permission to share about myself.

#disability rant #autistic rant #actually autistic #actually disabled #actually chronically ill #autistic adult #autistic blogger #disabled blogger #autistic experiences #disabled #chronically ill #actually cptsd #Zias diary 🌿 #Zia 🌿 #chronic illness

[seakicker]

me when literally everyone else: mmf yes so hot so sexy,,,, stretch marks? scars? moles? love it love it love it FUCK so sexy! I love love love tummy and boobs and big boobs and small boobs and boobs that are perky but also boobs that abide by gravity and boobs that spread out and I love love love chub and thick thighs and cellulite fuck it’s all so sexy I love I love I love I love feminine men I love big masculine men I love it all

me when myself: god I’m so ugly why

It could be because I’m trans especially because there’s good days and bad days but damn I hate parts of myself I KNOW I would drool over on other people. I draw people with my exact body type and lust and lust and lust and then I try to indulge myself and draw self-ship art but. I feel like I’m ugly or that the character I’m with wouldn’t like me EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THEY WOULD? Maybe it’s a confidence issue maybe it’s my dysphoria but that other anon talking about their experience with their commission and asshole artist reminded me of this damn dilemma. I love y/n fanfic so much cause it’s easier to forget myself and what I look like in the first person but damn. I hate myself in art and photos so much and I don’t even know why. Sorry if u didn’t really want to hear this in ur inbox lmao but ig this is the best place to vent into ahah

—⌚️

hello my sweet, thank you for coming to me and pls dont feel like you should apologize for venting here, it's part of what i'm here for and i like being able to listen. ik lots and lots of people, formerly myself (and still me on some days) included get that "i love my features on everyone else but hate them on myself" because i think that's just the nature of insecurity-- you feel like other people are "doing it right" or that things just look better on other people than they do on you. it's much easier to hold yourself to an impossible standard like beauty standards than it is to hold other people to the same standards, if that makes sense... any good person will know to not judge others but that doesn't stop you from judging yourself, you're your own worst critic. one thing that always kinda comforted me is knowing that i've never actually seen myself-- you only see yourself through mirrors and pictures but that's not really you, your camera doesn't capture real life dimensions and everything is flipped in the mirror, that sort of thing. you never see yourself, at least not in the way you look at other people, but i'm sure if you could see yourself through someone else's eyes (as the ol saying goes) you'd be surprised how fine/attractive/wonderful you look to everyone else. i can't comment on the dysphoria aspect so i can't offer any advice as far as that goes, but i think knowing that i'm not alone in my insecurity has always helped me so i try to remind other people that they're not alone in their insecurity too. the things that i don't like about myself are only because i'm my own worst critic and bc i hyperfocus on my flaws rather than the things i like about myself, and i think that's how it goes for a lot of people. but the things you like about yourself are more important than anything else!

another thing that's helped me is following models/influencers/etc that have my body type and similar features as me, ie thick eyebrows and a lil toothgap, and unfollowing models/influencers that i struggle with comparing myself to. your internet experience is yours to curate and there's nothing wrong with unfollowing models that you can't help but compare yourself to; it doesnt mean theyre a bad person or bodyshaming or anything, just that they may not be healthy for your experience and that's alright! so maybe that could help you too. i wish u the best of luck and i thank you for sharing your feelings with me; i think you're wonderful no matter what and i'm happy to be a place where you feel comfortable sharing your feelings and fantasies!

#i luve u #chats #⌚️ anon #tw insecurity

[lilbeaniebro]

my issue with pinterest

i hate that pinterest is still a social media, and i forget it too!

like there’s still shitty pins made by bad ppl, still arguments going on in the comment sections and i’m like oh i’ll just avoid it but social media is made so you can’t stop scrolling, sometimes (actually a lot of the time) i go into rabbit holes just scrolling and going on the next pin

i hate it so much, pinterest is my favourite app and it is better than most of them (toxicity-wise) but it’s still bad for me. i find things that make me feel like shit or bad abt myself or mad for others or mad for myself or just plain stupid 

ig there’s no healthy way to engage with social media, there’s always gonna be ppl or posts that make you feel bad so you either get used to it or stop using it 

i wish it was just the media without the social, like i love the comments and pinterest has been the only safe space for me to actually share my opinion but i wish they weren’t there.. though there would still be those bad posts..

hmm, idk like i said before there’s really just no way to use it healthily, like yea for the most part it’s safe and you only see stuff you like but if you stray a little too far you could see something that you wish you didn't see 

though that also brings up the topic of shelteredness, is it bad to not want to see those things? obviously not especially if they trigger you (trust me i’ve seen some actually triggering stuff if it came across the wrong person) but overall is it important to see those things? to learn from it? to grow from it?

i suppose but it’s also important to set boundaries, acknowledge your triggers and be like ok that post made me feel really bad and i don’t want to see it again what are some actions i can take to ensure that it won’t happen as frequent?

hmm, idk, what are some actions?... maybe blocking people? hiding the posts? though you still see and interact with the posts and the people.. hmm, set a timer? ik no one likes that but maybe it’ll help? maybe stepping back and asking yourself why did that trigger me? did you see yourself in that post?

.. yea, i did. it’s hard, being different. i act as though i don’t care bc i’ve seen bigotry towards all these type of people my whole life but it’s just hard that there’s ppl out there that hate you, hate your existence, want to exploit you, don’t respect you, want to take advantage of you

and yea i’m scared for myself but i’m more worried for others, i see others letting themselves (not letting per se but more so falling into the trap) be taken advantage of or be treated as less just to be loved or to have attention and i get it, it justs hurts me so much knowing that there’s ppl out there that laugh at the fact that they can so easily manipulate others and use them as they please, they see absolutely no issue with it, they deserve to have their needs meet right? 

ppl love to go on abt how progressive we are but it doesn’t feel like it, maybe it is.. but i feel like the more open and accepting we be to others and the more hate the other side spews 

like are these issues ever gonna go away? i guess not, sometimes i feel hate towards certain groups are so deeply rooted in their dna 

but ykw what can you do abt it? nothing, sure you can change a person’s perspective but there’s still a bunch of others after that and you’re just not able to some people’s views, and there may be something to do abt that but sometimes you just got to take a step back and be like this is a really big issue and one day we will conquer it but for now you have to acknowledge that you’re just one person, one person stuck in this sea of hate, humans weren’t meant to deal with this but we do now, all you can do is make sure you’re okay, take control of the things you can control, control your emotions, your responses, the way you present yourself, the way you talk to others, the way you treat yourself

we are in a game that is made to exhaust us over and over and over again, you’re so focused on surviving the day that you don’t focus on the bigger picture, how could you? so the least you could do is show yourself the respect and care you deserve, obviously it’s hard, i’m preaching all this but i don’t even take care of myself, i’ll get better one day and so will you

so um that concludes my rant turned therapy session turned inspirational talk, thanks for reading through all this, take care of yourself, drink water, eat something, take a shower, go on a walk, avoid social media as much as you can, and even if you do one thing that’s okay, that’s one thing you got done

bye 

#rant #pinterest #text post #personal ramblings #social media

[fighting4ml]

I don’t miss you anymore. A lil mad I ever did. But I’m grateful. You showed me what I always known about myself but could never see. I could really be in love. Regardless of what you think or anyone else. I seen all of you. Good bad and ugly even when I didn’t want to. Even when it was towards me. Even when I couldn’t do anything about it. But God gave me grace in my position. To see and understand so I’m grateful. I see all the pain you carry. The doubt and insecurities. I just thought you was beautiful anyway. And by Gods word he made me see it that way. He allowed me to see the God in you which was really a reflection of the God in me. The hardest part was acceptance without closer, no. The hardest part was letting you go, even tho I have no right to hold you. Nor should I want to. I want you to live and love your bestest life. You’ll never know how much I love you but I hope one day you can feel that love even if it’s not from me. I pray you take care of yourself. Love yourself. I’m the most productive and positive way. They say if you love something you gotta let it go. I gotta let you go. I am…

🤣 u wanted to fake kill me cause u couldn’t stand the fact that you love me to. You like me to. You feel me too. Idk why God did that to us. I’m pretty sure it’s for our highest good. Shit or maybe you don’t. But I think you do. My soul knows it. And gets it. You’s a crafty nigga 🤣🤣🤣🤣 so whatever dude.

Like I said I seen all da games baby I just liked watching you play. Ugh don’t know if this feeling will ever go away. I try to hate you but it makes me cry 😭💔🤣🤣🤣 so I’m just going to love you. Love you from a distance. Pray you stay safe, you keep growing, you don’t give up on yourself. You have grace with yourself and your journey, lastly you find your peace and may it lead to your prosperity.

I love you so much. Ik it sounds crazy but truthfully idgaf nomore. You crazy so I have to keep my distance physically and energetically. Cause we connected whether we like it or not. We both crazy. I want better tho. I want healthy, wealthy, peaceful AND crazy. There. ✨🕊️💕

[dirtthornberry]

To all the people I’ve loved:

👩🏻 I love you. I don’t know why you hurt me but I know why you hurt me. You were a wonderful parent but a not-so-great mother. I was a difficult kid but I was a traumatized child. You were a stretched-thin mom but you were a naive adult. You taught me to stand up for myself and what I think is right, even if it was against you. You taught me that true love isn’t always pretty, but it is unconditional. I love you with it all.

👨🏻‍🦲 I love you the most daddy. I wish you had paid more attention to the important things & not just the little moments. But oh my god were those little moments everything. You were so excited to give me those binoculars & tell me about every bird, plant & bug & I didn’t really care to learn their names but I did for you because you were so happy I was interested. Now I want to know ALL of the names.

👱🏻‍♀️ I never hated you for it but it made it really hard to love you for a while; she did it to you so you didn’t know… I love you so so much now tho. Out of 11 sisters and 8 brothers, you’re the only one I was raised with. 7 years apart & you couldn’t stand me the moment you hit puberty. I ache for all the things that happened to you that weren’t noticed bc either mom & dad didn’t notice or bc I took up all the attention. You didn’t deserve any of the trauma. You never did.

🌊 you were my first best friend. I’m so glad you were placed with me & so grateful my mom would drive me the 45 minutes to come see you once you went back home. Every time I hear Ed Sheeran, I think of you. We’ve drifted apart and are different people now but you’ll always be my sister-from-another-mister. I’m sorry it went this way; Ik it didn’t have to.

👾 I was your first friend when you moved here but now we aren’t friends at all. What changed in those years we weren’t together? What made you so selfish and blind. There’s no question mark because I already know. Your childhood caught up to you in ways I don’t think you don’t even fully understand and you got defensive. I’m sorry but I have to put myself first. Like I said though: I will Always only wish the best for you.

🌸 I didn’t like you at first and I don’t even really know why. I’m so glad you didn’t care. I’m so glad you talked to me anyway. I don’t say this lightly but I probably would’ve ended it several times over if it’d wasn’t for you. I have all the confidence in you that you so sorely lack. I’m so sorry for what has happened to you but I love the person your circumstance produced, flaws and all. I miss you.

🥀 not addressing your trauma won’t heal it but you wouldn’t even know where to start. We’ve suffered from so many of the same things and it breaks my heart that we share the grief. I love that you always get back up & keep going. It’s the thing I admire about you the most. You’ll get there baby, I believe in you.

🍁 I hurt you really bad. You hurt me too. We keep hurting each other. But the love is so sweet. It’s tastes like honey and wine. We had an argument while I was at work that made my stomach churn and an employee told me she’d never thought an fight could be so healthy and honest. That felt so fucking good to hear. I could never have done it without you, I wouldn’t have wanted to anyway. I’m so excited to have the life we’ve talked so much about. 4 years in and I hope we have so many more.

🌿 you’ve come so far. Only we know how much we’ve been through but we’re here now. If I had told you that you’d actually have a pretty solid will to live by the time you turned 20, you would’ve laughed in my face & told me you don’t plan to be here that long. But look at you now!! Assistant Manager, getting paid $17.50 an hour, living in your own place with your own dogs and in the healthiest relationship of any kind you’ve ever been in with a man who loves you with his all. I’d say congrats but I know it’s not over yet and there will be many many hardships to come. Think of all the truly wonderful and amazing things we’re gonna come by too. We became the person we never thought we’d be able to be. I’m so proud.

🐾 for countless lifetimes of love and connection. If I gave you as much as you deserve, there would be no universe for us to exist in. Every single one, a few more closely than others, have saved my life. The entire basis for my will to live. For every single animal I’ve every encountered: Thank you for just existing. I love you.

🫥 I wish everyone else the best of luck. Truthfully. I love you. I might not know you but I’d love you anyway. Please remember to be grateful for all of the things, not just the good or the bad. You are the center of your own universe and I’m your biggest believer. Good luck in your travels. Have the best life.

💛💛💛

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

114 of 2022

We are like onions; we have layers.

Created by --rainboweyes--

Layer 1: Basics Name: Joeri. Age: 32. Date of Birth: You want to know too much. Hometown: Westende, Belgium. Current Location: Bruges, Belgium. Religion: None. Relationship Status: Married. Sexuality: Without details, I’m just a gay dude, but if you want to make things more complicated, then I’m most likely a homo-alterous aroace or so. Most people would feel confused, so I don’t really discuss it. Nationality: Belgian.

Layer 2: Appearance Height: 180 cm, it’d make 5′11 for Americans. Weight: 70 or something. It’s too much. Hair Colour: Brown. Eye Colour: Grey. Hair Dyed/Natural/Highlighted: Natural, I’m still too lazy to dye it, even though I have everything prepared. Or it’s just too hot. Complexion: Quite fair. Musculear, Chubby, Average, Slim, Majorly Underweight: Tall and slender, it seems.

Layer 3: Personality Your greatest weakness: Too many emotions, but not being able to show them. Your greatest strength: Determination. How you would describe yourself: Unique. How you believe others would describe you: Based on what I already know, smart and kind. What is your sense of humour like? Very British. :P What form of intelligence do you believe you possess? Scientific. 5 words that definately DON'T describe you: Shy, dumb, boring, pretty, mean. Something you are proud of yourself for: Overcoming my disability. Something you wish you could achieve: Even bigger improvement of my hand.

Layer 4: Important Favourites Colour: Black and neon green. Animal: Cat. Occupation: The one I have now. TV Show: No particular favourites. Book or Book Series: No particular favourites, I just love to read. Band/Singer: Baas B, Vildhjarta, HRFTR. Song: I’d go with two: Lange Frans & Baas B - Ik Wacht Al Zo Lang & Vildhjarta - Shiver. Car: Renault Clio. I don’t demand much lol. Memory: The year 2018. Restaurant: Wok Palace, it’s an Asian restaurant. Food: Waterzooi. Drink: Beer. Music Genre: Some metal, particularly djent and sludge, and some hip hop, particularly Dutch. Political Party: I hate them all. Decade (for Music, Fashion etc): 90s and early 2000s were pretty neat.

Layer 5: The How Many's How many partners have you had?

Three.

How many sexual partners have you had?

Two.

How many TV sets are in your house?

Three.

How many pets at the moment do you have?

Two.

How many pets in your whole life have you had?

I don’t know, 15? Mostly cats, some were dogs and rabbits.

How many rooms are there in your house?

5 if you count them all.

How many siblings do you have?

One.

How many Facebook friends do you have?

I don’t use Facebook.

How many Bzoink Friends do you have?

I don’t use Bzoink.

How many cars are in your drive?

None because we don’t have a drive, everyone here parks on the street. But we have one car in general.

How many best friends do you have?

More than 10, it seems.

Layer 6: What's What makes you feel the most happy?

Seeing the man I like. My loved ones being happy. Cats. Thunderstorms. Little acts of kindness. Spending time with my family and friends. Travelling. Trains. Long car rides. My job.

What makes you feel the saddest?

When the ones I love are suffering and I can’t do anything about it.

What makes you feel angry?

Injustice and lack of equality.

What in your room right now means the most to you?

This laptop I’m typing on. And of course my husband, but he’s not a thing.

What city do you feel the closest to emotionally?

Not really a city, but the whole district. Middelkerke in Belgium.

What year has been the best for you so far?

2018.

What do you hope to have happened by 5 years time?

Staying healthy.

What gets you up in the morning?

I wake up by myself, optionally alarm clock.

What top do you wear the most often?

These days it’s going to be that Vildhjarta t-shirt.

What game have you loved ever since you were a little kid?

Any game? If so, I loved playing the basketball.

Layer 7: Why's Why did you choose your Bzoink username?

I don’t use Bzoink.

Why is your room the colour that it is?

Because we painted it so? It’s logic.

Why did your parents choose the school you went to?

They didn’t choose any of my schools, I just went to the closest one in a neighbourhood village and the secondary school I chose by myself.

Why do you sometimes feel inadequate?

Not relating to others.

Why do you/do you not have pets?

Because I’ve been growing up with pets and I’m so used to having them.

Layer 8: Relationships Are you in a relationship?

I’m married.

Do you prefer being Single or In a Relationship?

It’s not a martter of preference for me. Relationships are not even on my list of priorities, but since the relationship has happened, we both do our best to take care of it.

Do most of your friends have a significant other?

Most of my friends are married and have children.

Do you get along with most of your friends significant others?

They’re my friends as well.

Do any of your friends dislike your SO, or a past SO of yours?

No, both me and my husband have mutual friends.

What qualities do you look for in a partner?

The same as I look for in a friend.

What are your turn ons?

Eyes. And brains. It doesn’t work with me sexually, though. Liking someone doesn’t mean I want to sleep with them.

What are your turn offs?

People who don’t know what a shower is. Also, people who are overly judgemental, patronising and/or generalising everyone to theor own (mostly low) standards.

Are you conventional in your relationship beliefs or more liberal?

I don’t really understand this question. We don’t have to do everything together, though. We don’t need romantic gestures either.

Do you feel that you lose yourself as an individual when in a relationship?

Absolutely not.

What's the best part about being in a relationship?

Having the great friend in that person.

What's the worst part about being in a relationship?

Sex. That’s it.

Layer 9: Views (Say What Think Of/How To Deal Say What Your Views Are On... Abortion: No opinion, it’s your own conscience. Abuse: Bullying: Cheating: Communism: Corruption (in the police force): Eating Disorders: Foster Parenting/Adopting: Gang Violence: Gay Rights or GBLT Rights: Lol GBLT? I’ve never heard of such abbreviation XD but since we have such rights in my country and I’m a gay dude myself, that just says something, I guess. Homelessness: If it’s by choice, then I can’t help much. Kids Rights: Children should have rights. Legalising Drugs: Marriage: Murderers (Law Relating To Them): Paedophilia: Prostitution: Sexual Predators/Rapists and The Justice System: Transvestism: Voting: Westernisation: Youth (The way they behave): Zoos and Animal Rights:

Layer 10: Some Extra Titbits Does someone having a weird/unkind family put you off being their friend?

No. I’m friends with them, not with their family.

How judgemental would you say you are?

Not judgemental. It came with time, but I can honestly say I’m non-judgemental and quite proud of it.

What topics do you enjoy talking to people about?

Anything that interests me, but I need to make sure they’re interested, too.

When you first meet people, what do you tend to notice about them?

Their eyes.

Are you more creative or logical?

Logical.

What is the most important thing to know about you?

I’m specific in a way.

How many languages do you know fluently?

Two, Dutch and English. And some bits of other languages, French included.

Are you a lover, fighter or a realist?

A realist, but I don’t get the comparison.

Do you find making friends easy or hard?

Depends solely on that person. Some people are so easy to get along with, others are not.

How do you greet people (hi, hey, yo, hello, hiya etc)?

Hallo.

How do you say bye (bye, ciao, cya, adios etc)?

Doei!

If your personality and or looks could liken you to an animal, which one?

Definitely a cat.

Are you the kind of person who finds it easy to see from others POV?

I’m still learning that. I’m improving and I have enough compassion to do this.

What makes a person ugly (take this in whatever context you like)?

If they have a rotten personality, they’re ugly no matter what.

What accent do you have?

West-Flemish. We literally use the softest variant of spoken Dutch, to the point that the rest of Belgium and the whole Netherlands make fun of us.

How comfortable do you feel meeting new people?

It depends on their level of being likeable.

How many languages can you say "I love you" in?

More than 10 for sure.

Tell me something very few people know about you:

I have a genetic connective tissue disorder.

#survey #about me survey #q&a survey #themed survey

[zombabiee]

I am curious but im so 50/50 on him because of what will happen in the future. If he asks me out I want to say yes but do I wanna say yes because I’m curious or do I want spite him in thinking I would say no? I wonder if they’ve spoken about me. Its still so weird for me to understand that im being seen for what feels like the first time ever. Ive been so social this year and I just want to delete my media because im so embarrassed being alive and real and having feelings. Will I subconsciously fool myself in thinking I could make him jealous. his homeboy seems nice and im just overthinking like crazy. im honestly such an idiot and want a distraction but i just wish it could have been any other person than his homeboy to be interested in me. why me? he probably doesn’t like me all that much anyway so I shouldn’t even be too worried about that but what it he does or later decides to do so? I was so used to him not wanting to speak to me at all but we’d text often, i was only there when he wanted it. So it further made me think that I could be cared less about in that way, i was nothing more than just pity. right? And I found myself liking him and being attached to that even knowing all this info. And now his main homie seems interested in me it just takes me aback because I feel like im not seen at all or im just something to be judged at or looked at in only one type of way. Im scared to say yes because ive never experienced any romances ever and that whole ordeal just made me feel so iffy about relationships and all that stuff because im so innocent and inexperienced. Ik im not completely stupid because even then the people who have experienced doesn’t make them experts/wise(idk what word imtrying to use for this but I get what I mean and I hope u do too) but its the fact they’ve gone through stuff is what makes me envious, whether it be good or bad, because in my eyes i see that as growth. I feel like I haven’t gone through anything major up until this year?? and I just feel like its never going to be enough and I will never be enough. Im so scared and not ready and its just much easier to feel sorry for yourself and hate yourself because of how many years ive been doing it that its only gone worse. Despite it all I like having a sense of humor about it because its like “ur so pathetic lol”………… its funny too because I’ll just rant and rant in my notes app and the min I stop the feelings just go away and im back to doing my same routine for that last 6 weeks……. I hope he doesn’t go through with it I rlly rather him not tell me anything but I just don’t want to say no to him. He been loosing weight too and im certain im one of his motivations and that would just be so crushing to be told no. (i mean it would take him on a revenge journey just like him but I really dont want that) tbh him loosing the weight has inspired me too because how quickly hes doing it and it makes me want to be competitive in a way. Idk if its me feeling bitter because hes doing it so healthy and ive been choosing self destructive options but hey atleast im hearing and seeing (just on the scale tbh) results. (I love to see it physically :( but i just cant) i just wish it wasnt him tbh. and Im not saying I wish it was the guy I originally liked but i want the attention of somebody who wasn’t connected to highschool or him. Something completely new because i just think it would make it less weird for me and I honestly shouldn’t have to be overthinking this much right? i wish the normie guy could have picked me he would of solved all my problems, as shitty as it sounds but i would of love molding him to my liking and changing him for the better, he for sure would of dropped me but ig its for the better because I never stood a chance compared to all those other girls in his following. why cant the people i want want me? im so fucking naive jfc

#rant 1 #rant #3 am thoughts #overthinking

[scoops404]

consciousness streaming ! (i love saying this it just makes everything sound more dramatic, like it's out of a medieval times movie idk)

but anyway, i have finished reading inffqth

and altho im not crying anymore, i did cry through like, chapters, 10 to 12, maybe more in 11 and 12, but specially 11

i said this dream was beautiful, and i still mean it, probs even more now that i saw him completely, i have like, a list with my favorite dream's in fanfics and urs just kicked everybody to be number one

this george too,,, god how much i wanted to fight him, at some point i said out loud how i was gonna take that "stupid" box of feeling and throw it on a river so he finally opens up, but honestly, i probs got mad at him bcs he was taking decisions i would have also taken

when he was talking abt how he was too much and nobody wanted that, i was like "ok well no need to attack me like that"

but im so happy they got to solve it in a non tiring way? like usually the communication just goes the wrong way or never happens and it gets so frustrating, like just TALK alr pls

+ very random but when this scene happened

—"George," Dad says with a nod.

—"Dad," he says back, "Drive safe." Another nod,

LISTEN I, i wanted to be petty, i wanted george to say "Jim." just out of spite, ik it doesn't change a lot but in my way of seeing it it would have been funny but petty iguess

i have like, many more screenshots of the story, since i cant ever reread a whole fic cus i hate knowing what's gonna happen, but at the same time i love rereading bits of it so pictures it is, kinda sad i can't like, send them here all marked up like they do with printed-out books, i like doing that a lot

ALSO, gotta give the biggest kudo's trophy to kate, even though she was the one making me cry cus jfc why is she such a nice and healthy mom, she was so understanding and caring and god, building her a pedestal, she deserves it

i think ur way of writing a parent k worded me, reading kate just suddenly made me think of these exact dream and george as parents and my brain shut down, i really thought "god a kid fic of scoops would totally destroy me" (i am very weak for kid fics, have a soft spot for them)

now i am probably gonna read iwywah, (cus i realized ive read everything else of urs thats dnf and that's the only fic left) and ill probs cry again, who knows,

scoops just really going for that "makes readers cry" trophy smh /lh

anyway, again, thank u for writing this

also saw that u mentioned u have a friend that's like this dream and im so happy for u!! u seem to be deserving of lots of nice things, sending love to u guys :] <3

I almost forgot to answer you because i was just staring in wonder at this ask--I love it!

Chapter 11 was a doozy, don't blame you for crying there. lots of growth and realizations and decisions. I'm so glad you still love my Dream. As for George here, I'll admit, he's hard to love for a while, but that's mostly because I see myself in him so much (like you said, same decisions I would make) and I want to bang his head against a wall (or in this case, his mother).

The thing about his dad in this fic-- like chapter 11 got completely re-written because it disappear on me, yeah? well, the original chapter dealt way more with his dad. George and Neve go straight to Brighton first instead of London to Kate, and George has an awkward encounter with the new lady friend where we realize, she's just a woman and just as messed up about all this as everyone else and it really humanized his dad and the whole situation but when is got deleted, I was like okay this is a sign. This story is not about George's family that much, like it's about Dream and George getting together and this is a fun side trip and sheds more light on things, but at the end of the day, we didn't need that light.

I think it's so cute you screenshot your favorite parts! My friend (the dream friend) does this and every once in awhile will send me an unhinged screenshot from a fandom im not in and it takes me out.

I love Kate in this fic, she's my fave. I'm proud of how she turned out and how real she seems. Definitely not perfect (in the epilogue where she tells everyone but george about the guy she's dating--proof that it's harder to change than we realize, but she apologizes to george and makes it right), but the kind of adult I want to be as I age--not afraid of life but living it. I guess I did some projecting there.

If I ever write a kid fic, I will count on your kudos, lol. I've thought about a non-traditional one but I'm not ready to commit yet.

Let me know how you like "Accomplice" I uh think you're going to have some more family feels in that one. I think i have themes I like to explore.

Thank you for your beautiful message--sending you all the positive vibes and good things <3

#asks #long post #inffqth

[kayyy-lmao]

.

#I can’t stop crying about ugly I am #I haven’t left the house since before the pandemic besides getting vaxxed bc I really hate the way I look #but in that time #I grew out and didn’t touch my hair for 3 years bc I really wanted my hair appointment to go well #which was hard bc my hair used to be the only thing I really was okay with about myself #so I haven’t been looking in mirrors and I’ve been avoiding my shadow too #and Ik that’s not healthy but i really just hate seeing myself that much #so anyways I finally get the courage to go to a hair appointment which was hard #and the only reason I really did it was bc I have the Harry concert and I had this cute outfit planned the hair I wanted matched #so I spend over $200 on a hair appointment which was also hard justifying bc I’m kinda poor #and this hairdresser completely fucked my hair it’s fried and it was organically bright red and she gave me a horrible short haircut #and that only draws attention to my ugly fucking face #I’ve had to spend even more money on my hair bc I had to box dye it black and the color is still so red #the cut also had steps in it and there’s just no fixing it #I have to dye it again which costs more money #I just thought this would be a turning point with myself esteem and it definitely is just in the wrong direction #like I’m definitely not wearing the outfit I wanted to the concert which is tomorrow which my mom is yelling at me about even though it was #made up of clothes i already had except for boots which I’m returning #I just wanted to feel pretty :( #idk I just needed to rant without getting yelled at for feeling ugly #which sucks bc ik I am and I’m not saying all this to fish for complements like I’m unattractive it’s just a fact

[domesticangel]

its so weird finally finding out that like. the pain in my ribs, chest and back that has been haunting me and stressing me out for 2 months now is literally most likely just. benign costochodritis. like. medical speak for Bones Hurty And We Don't Know Why But You’ll Be Fine. like ive experienced a huge mental setback from spending two months straight wracked w complete terror at all times that ill get bad news back from all the tests ive had done and then they basically ended up just being like yeah man your ekg and blood work are sexy as hell and theres nothing hiding inside your torso so at this point the cure is to just be a little fucked up until youre not fucked up anymore! i hate the human body so much its unreal

#its just. strange. and hard to believe. even tho I'm trying rly hard to since stress can make it worse OOOOOPS #this is gonna sound cheesy ugh but now that they seem to have ruled out anything scary and i know what I'm dealing with #im gonna try to like. treat my body w more compassion. I Guess #like instead of cursing it and tensing up and stressing and pushing myself too hard over the sheer frustration of like #not being able to exercise or move in certain way or lift heavy things #and instead of not eating bc the pain+my mental state make me lose my appetite or losing important sleep to stressing #im just gonna try to put forth a really concerted effort to just. heal and be nice to myself #try to just. eat healthy and more regularly get enough sleep take hot showers for the inflammation do low impact exercise #rest if i need to lay down if i need to curl up w a heating pad if i need to #go back to doing things i enjoy instead of letting my anxiety over this take up all my energy and leave none leftover for school and hobbies #and just. work with myself instead of blaming myself and cursing myself for being weak #bc it rly does make me feel weak and i hate feeling weak and ive always had such a huge guilt complex about my health #but I'm rly gonna try to tell myself I'm fine and i didn't bring this on myself and i just need to focus on getting #both physically and mentally since they will undoubtedly benefit one another #hoo....sorry if it sounds like I'm being hugely dramatic over such a benign medical condition #but its just caused me so much worry for such a long time that it feels good to just. talk through it #ik it sounds stupid but i was worried for a long time if i talked about it being JUST costochondritis id like jinx it #and it'd end up being something way worse #which i. know doesn't make a lot of sense but its just how my brain works i guess #anyway. oof. lets see if i can kill this thing with kindness #txt

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

Hi, random but I was scrolling down ur blog and saw a post u reblogged saying something like 'don't be afraid of failure, be afraid of being in the same spot next year' and I know this was supposed to be a nice msg but it made me feel even worse because it has been my own situation the past few years and is my worst fear for the next. I didn't make a lot of efforts to change it and I hate being passive and depressed like this. Ik t wasnt your post but ig I wanted to talk to someone about it

hey there hon. believe me, i completely understand what you're saying. i'm disabled bad enough that i've been housebound for more than a decade, and i spend most of my time bedbound due to chronic fatigue and chronic pain.

i wasn't able to go to college, i've never been able to have a job, i don't really have a lot going for me. i pretty much spend all my energy surviving and distracting myself from depression and anxiety. i don't know if my life is ever going to be anything more than surviving and distraction.

however, while i completely under seeing that post and interpreting as the 'big' things in life you can't change, like a job or relationship, when i reblogged it i was thinking about the small things that you do have the power to change.

i hope that a year from now, i've grown as a person. i hope i'm wiser, i hope i'm kinder, i hope i've learned new things, i hope i've recovered a little more from the shit i've been through. i hope that i've consumed more art and learned more about the world, whether the things that i've learned are deemed 'important' to capitalism or not. i hope i've written more, even if they're things no one will ever read.

like i said, i have a lot of health troubles, and a big thing right now is that i officially have metabolic syndrome (my insulin is very high), and my blood sugar is dancing on the edge of diabetes. type 2 diabetes runs in my family, but i really want to do everything possible to avoid it. so right now i'm trying really, really hard to eat better, which means cooking as much as i'm able, and i'm trying to exercise that tiny bit my body allows before i overshoot and hurt myself.

i've been doing pushups against my sink countertop, and yesterday i was able to do 12 with perfect form! not so long ago i could only do about 6. in the past month, i did a yoga routine for the first time in years.

i also hope that in a year i'll have started seeing a psychiatrist like i've been meaning to for 3 months already, where i hope to get an official adhd diagnosis and get my meds better sorted out. i think getting my adhd treated would probably make a big difference in my mental health and ability to function.

for a healthy, abled, neurotypical person... all that wouldn't amount to a lot of progress for one year. but for me? it's all i'm capable of. and fuck, dude, if all i have are inches compared to other people's miles, then i'm just gonna have to crawl those inches as best i can.

if i'm a few inches further one year from now, it'll be better than not moving an inch at all.

#advice #anonymous #ask

[naramdil]

Hafsa i have followed you for years and have always appreciated your beautiful advice and thought processes which led me to reach out to you since idk who else i can talk to. I basically had a good cry today because i’m 27 and still very lost career wise. Idk what i’m meant to do or be and i feel so behind in life while my friends have careers they enjoy. I just feel like i’m stuck doing things i hate for money. I dont even know if i’m meant to be anything career wise and it scares me so much. I’m currently trying to do this web development course because i know i can land an excellent job after i complete it but i dont look forward to studying it. I know i’m doing it to get a good job so i can do the things i want to do like travel, cook and my other passions. I dont think i have a passion in any career. But i also dont want to hate what i do 8 hrs a day. Idk if i will hate web development but it’s not the most exciting thing to learn. At this point, i dont have time to explore my passions and discover myself. That time has gone. I just dont know what to do now. I know this is a lot and by all means if this is something you wish not to address then i totally understand. I wish you the best 🤍

hey, I am sending you a big hug and I hope your big cry was a good release for you 💗

I'm really proud of you for finding a way to fund your passions, it's a long game for sure but I think it's a very smart choice bc being in a financially good place - putting yourself there - can end up being very rewarding, even if right now it seems like you're gonna hate it. bc in the long run, you'll have the stability to be able to then focus on your passions outside of your work, and compartmentalizing your life like that is honestly a blessing and healthy. i honestly think the idea of doing a job that you're passionate about is false marketing bc majority of people cannot and will not have that. and that's okay!! it's unfortunately the system we live in. so I feel like you shouldn't feel bad if your career isn't what you're passionate about - with a very important caveat and that is: it shouldn't be soul sucking either. so if you hate web development, and it is becoming a soul sucking thing maybe you need to find something else? (again, maybe once you actually start working in this field you may end up liking it, so no harm in giving it a shot if you haven't had a job job yet)

another thing is ik there is this mentality that if you've spent so much time on something you hate you might as well see it through and push aside what you actually want, but I don’t agree. you should not continue doing it if the only reason you’re doing it bc of the time you’ve already expended on it. that’s like staying in a relationship that you’re no longer invested it. sometimes it’s time to break up and that’s okay! like i've heard of people quitting medical school bc they realized they did all this work and it wasn't worth it for them. and even me - i started pre med, got a business degree and now am in fashion school.. so like i literally knew ten years ago this is what i wanted and it took me that long to get here but like .. here i am... truckin along lol.

so idk, I guess it's time to think about what you want and seeing how you can get there. and forgetting about society and the idea of time and what you "should have" accomplished by now etc. bc those are the things that contribute to the feeling of stuckness, and you don't deserve that at all. you're not stuck, you have agency over your life and you don't have to do anything perfectly, just what is best for you. so just give yourself grace, treat yourself like you would treat your best friend or a young cousin, you know? like you'd tell them they're wonderful and that their life will be okay bc they'll make it okay, and you need to tell yourself that too. it will be okay, it's literally never ever too late, (let me be an example of that, also there are people at my school in their 40s so honestly it is really and truly never too late to do anything!) and just give yourself some love and time and you will figure it out little by little. you've got this babe 🥰

#anonymous