#and are actively not dealing with their trauma

[scoonsalicious]

Unwanted: Chapter 27, Unhinged - Pt. 3

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Fem!Reader

Summary: When your FWB relationship with your best friend Bucky Barnes turns into something more, you couldn’t be happier. That is, however, until a new Avenger sets her sights on your super soldier and he inadvertently breaks your heart. You take on a mission you might not be prepared for to put some distance between the two of you and open yourself up to past traumas. Too bad the only one who can help you heal is the one person you can no longer trust.

Warnings: (For this part only; see Story Masterlist for general Warnings) Language, mentions of violence, human trafficking.

Word Count: 949

Previously On...: You watched some home movies of Jade in her Hydra facility. It was... disturbing, to say the least.

A/N: Rock me, rock me, rock me, Sexy Jesus! He died for our sins, you gotta believe us! Seriously, Hamlet 2 is a gem, and now this song is stuck in my head forever.

NOTE! The tag list is a fickle bitch, so I'm not really going to be dealing with it anymore. If you want to be notified when new story parts drop, please follow @scoonsaliciousupdates

Banner By: The absolutely amazing @mrsbuckybarnes1917!

Thank you to all those who have been reading; if you like what you've read, likes, comments, and reblogs give me life, and I truly appreciate them, and you!

Taglist: (Sadly, tag list is closed; Tumblr will not let me add anyone new. If you want to be notified when I update, please Follow me for Notifications!) @jmeelee @cazellen @mrsbuckybarnes1917 @blackhawkfanatic @buckybarnessimpp @hayjat @capswife @itsteambarnes @marygoddessofmischief @sebastians-love @learisa @lethallyprotected @rabbitrabbit12321 @buckybarnesandmarvel @fanfictiongirl77 @calwitch @fantasyfootballchampion @selella @jackiehollanderr @wintercrows @sashaisready @missvelvetsstuff @angelbabyyy99 @keylimebeag @maybefoxysouls @vicmc624 @j23r23 @wintercrows @crist1216 @cjand10 @pattiemac1@les-sel @dottirose @winterslove1917 @harperkenobi @ivet4 @casey1-2007 @mrsevans90 @steeph-aniie @bean-bean2000 @beanbagbitch @peachiestevie @wintrsoldrluvr @shadowzena43

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You and Bucky were silent as you closed your laptop. What could one say after watching a person you knew, personally, rip through a group of people as though they were wrapping paper on Christmas morning? There were no words.

After several long minutes, Bucky finally spoke. “After seeing that,” he said, “I think it’s all the more reason to make sure you don’t leave this safehouse unless you absolutely have to.”

“Yeah,” you said, devoid of all your previous fight. How could you argue with him about your safety after having seen that?

Bucky looked at you in surprise, as though he had expected you to challenge him. He nodded curtly. “Good,” he said. “Alright. We need a game plan. Did you come up with any leads about that Chloe girl that we can follow up on?”

You sighed. “Yeah,” you said, opening up a new tab in your browser. “So, Chloe mentioned her family was having money problems. I was able to figure out where her mom and step father do their banking; I thought we could take a look at their accounts, see if there’s any unusual activity that might point to them getting a share of her auction price. Then maybe we could trace the deposit back to whoever did the sale.”

“You think her parents knowingly participated in trafficking their own kid?” Bucky asked in horror. “Pocket, that’s dark.”

You avoided looking at him as you opened up a backdoor into the accounts in question. “You’d be surprised what people are willing to do when money gets involved. Not even a mother/daughter bond is immune from that kind of greed.”

 Bucky’s gaze on you was almost tangible in its intensity. “I’m sorry. It’s so hard for me to envision a mother betraying her child like that; sometimes I forget you had to live it.”

“But you told Carthage about it,” you said softly. “At the mission debrief. When she said trafficking was below our paygrade.”

“Sweetheart,” Bucky turned your chin so you were facing him. “I told her that human trafficking was something you and Nat both cared very deeply about stopping; that’s it.” He frowned. “I don’t expect you to believe me and that’s okay, but I would never divulge your past to anyone. Not when I know how few people you trusted with that information. I just wanted her to stop acting like it was some kinda game and to treat it as seriously as it deserved to be treated.”

“Oh,” you said after a moment. Something in his words rang true, but there was still the lingering doubt that he was being honest. “Don’t worry about, Barnes,” you said, studiously avoiding eye contact as you breached the bank’s security system. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”

You could feel him staring at you, and you didn’t need to be looking back to envision the look he was giving you— the one that let you know he thought you were full of shit. Fortunately, he allowed your lie to pass without another word while you continued to breach the bank’s system. 

“Okay, I’m in,” you said after a moment. Bucky got up and came to stand behind you, looking at your monitor over your shoulder.

“Anything?” he asked.

You scrolled through Chloe’s stepfather’s transaction history. Liquor stores, smoke shops, some escort services. “Real classy guy,” you murmured. And then, you hit it: the night Chloe had left the club for good, there was a substantial deposit made to the account in the amount of $250,000.

“Holy shit,” you whispered. “I figured he might get a cut, but I had no idea it would be that much.”

Bucky let out a long, low whistle. “If that’s their finder’s fee, I can’t imagine what the final sale was for.” 

You were furiously copying down the depositing account’s information. “I’m going to send this info back to Nat,” you told him. “See if they can reverse-search it and find out where the money came from. Once we know the source, we might be able to break into their systems, get info on who won the auctions. Maybe some of the other girls are still alive…” Your voice trailed off. You were too jaded to allow yourself to hope you could save all of them, but if you could save even one…

Bucky began moving toward the apartment’s front door, grabbing his leather jacket from where he’d hung it on a hook.

“Where are we going?” You asked him, closing your laptop and standing up.

“We aren’t going anywhere,” he informed you as he put the jacket on. “I’m going to go have a little chat with Chloe’s stepfather, see if there’s any additional information he’d like to generously offer us. You are going to stay here, locked securely behind the door and not opening it for any reason until I get back.”

You opened your mouth to argue, but the images of Jade moving through the Hydra compound, slaughtering everyone in her path rose to your mind. You nodded. “Yeah,” you said. “I’ll stay here.”

“Thank you.” Bucky released a relieved sigh, then walked over to you, kissing the top of your head. “If anything happens, call me, and I’ll head straight back. If Carthage shows up, there’s a gun in the bedside table. Aim to kill.”

“Obviously,” you told him. “I’ve only been fantasizing about it since I found out about Russia.”

“I’m being serious, doll,” Bucky said. “Now that we’ve seen what she’s capable of, I don’t want you taking any chances.”

“Yeah,” you said as you walked him to the door and opened it for him, “I was being 100% serious, too.”

<- Previous Part / Next Part ->

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky x you #bucky x reader #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky x female reader #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes fanfiction #james bucky buchanan barnes #james buchanan barnes #mcu bucky barnes #james barnes

[clairenatural]

okay but you see sam has ALSO fallen for dean's act. sam also believes dean to be the macho, daddy's soldier, beer boobs cars guy he presents himself as. this is why sam makes fun of dean whenever he even lightly steps out of that mold and thinks it's harmless banter instead of attacking an insecurity. it's why he laughs when john talks down to dean in the early seasons and it's why he seems surprised when dean is more comfortable with himself in the later seasons. it's why he just scoffs but doesn't push it when dean puts up a front and refuses to talk about his emotions and just accepts whatever excuse he makes at face value. it's why he offers dean a strip club to make him feel better when cas dies. and this isn't his fault!! dean has spent a very long time perfecting this image in front of everyone and ESPECIALLY to sam because along with it comes safety and security and stability and the only person. who has consistently been able to see through it. is castiel

#charlie also a bit bc dean doesn't have to be desirable to her as a man or as a son #altho i would argue that she doesn't see through him he just doesn't perform as much for her. cas actively sees through it #this is why sam has never caught on to dean being queer also. btw. dean isn't closeted he's just never made a big deal of telling sam #you never really know your parents just the version of them they want you to see etc etc #anyway this is also why sam is thought to be More Sensitive in comparison #by people who have also fallen for the Act. i call this the General Audience Dean Act #because it was who he was SUPPOSED to be from kripke's pen until jensen went ummmmm no. he has trauma :) and forcibly gave him layers #this is also not samcrit btw i always need to clarify that #i am bad at sam studies but i think you could also write posts (and ppl have) about how dean doesn't truly know sam either #bc he has Little Baby Brother zoned him forever even though he is almost 40 by the end of s15

[realbeefman]

stacy is sooo interesting because she's in love with house but knows that they will never ever be able to have a healthy, stable, sane relationship because they're too similar so. she finds house-lite instead and marries him and. essentially moves on with her life! and is successful in this because she's a moderately well-adjusted person!

wilson, in contrast, never manages to escape the inevitable, in spite of his best efforts to find a house-lite of his very own, because he's an absolute fucking freak and ends up glued to house to the bitter. bitter end

#yeah im too sleepy to revise this. UNFILTERED posting wooahh #some may b shocked but i do actually read thru most of my posts several times to make sure i didnt accidentally write mein kampfe 2 #recently ive come to the realization that i am in fact not an incredibly chill person #and that the constant paranoia and fear in which i live my life is actually PROBABLY a symptom of severe anxiety #like damn. ive always known that im pretty prone to depression but ive preetty much always been aware of that #my mom is a chronic depressive so i know the symptoms i know the signs i have a pretty good arsenal of healthy coping mechanisms #UNFORTUNATELY mommy's mental health problems did not help her not abuse me as a child #so i ended up being a terribly anxious kid who was constantly being screamed at and told i was overreacting (because i was. because i had #a severe anxiety problem that was making me react irrationally.) to everything all the time #which is you know. it is VERY difficult to deal with a mental health problem when you arent aware you have a problem! #its incredible how much. better. my life has gotten since i figured this out and started actively trying to work out what triggers it #and being able to like. realize 'oookay. there is an Issue here and it needs to be overcome' #instead of just beating on myself constantly for not being able to do things without feeling sick or getting breathing problems! #anyways. trauma dumping in tags is over now! #house md #hilson #greg house #james wilson #stacy warner

[twacn]

I am currently one and a half books through the murderbot diaries (loving them so far, especially the second book) but ah... this casting news is not great? Right?

#Like maybe I'm wrong but these books seem to be a metaphor for being quote unquote one of the good ones #And dealing with the trauma and PTSD of having to constantly proform as productive and helpful #While actively being oppressed (for gender race or dis/ability) #Right?? Right??? #Idk maybe this is one of those books that never would work as an adaptation. I like being in murderbots head. I dont know if that can #Ever be properly translated #But still feels like a bad move to cast a white guy for murderbot #murderbot diaries #Murderbot #Murderbot show

[struggling-to-find-home]

Me: I wonder why I feel like shit and have no energy to do anything

Me, a few days later: Ah, it was trauma processing

#from what I deduced from my own body‚ there are two types of processing: active and passive #active is: Congrats!! Your body is now going to be reliving the terror you once experienced and had to push down! #It will be fucking awful‚ but at least after this the specific trigger won't exist in the system!! good luck dealing with the aftermath tho #passive is: you are going to slowly feel like shit over a few days as the body slowly processes the trauma‚ but the bad effects will #fade almost immediately after you are done. Good luck feeling like shit for no particular reason‚ though! #for some reason I almost always forget about the second one so every time it happens or ends I'm just like *surprised Pikachu face* #anywayssssssss #toxic family #toxic household #dysfunctional family #toxic parents #toxic mother #dysfunctional parents #trauma memes #trauma processing

[youareunbearable]

I might not do anything with this BUT I've been thinking about the Shadow of Mordor games again and how FUN would it be if Sauron did that but instead of bringing back Celebrimbor he uses his necromancy magic to bring back Maedhros

An imposingly tall figure, all done up in Sauron's spikey black armor, instead of his mace there is a wicked black blade where a right hand should be. He roams at the front of the Nazgul, blade at the ready as the other holds the reigns to a monstrous horse

People are terrified, thinking that Sauron himself is roaming the wilds, he stalks the Fellowship, nothing seems to stop him only delay him. Gandalf isn't sure its Sauron himself, but something about him under all that twisted and dark and evil song sings pure, like a dull flicker of white flame, like a weak candle.

When Boromir dies, that figure is with the orcs, it isnt the one to slay Boromir, but turns away and it seems to know where the ring is. The orcs are too focused on Merry and Pipin to follow the Figure, but he walks off. He stands on the shores as Frodo and Sam shiver in the Swan boat, but it does nothing but watch them as they sail off. It makes no motion to follow them or attack their small boat, just watch transfixed. Sam makes a comment that it looks like the Figure's armor makes it almost like it has a metal collar around its neck and cuffs on its wrists

During the battle of Helm's Deep, that Figure is back again, silently leading the siege. At one point, an Elven arrow hits the Figure's helm, knocking it a little loose and from under the helm tumbles a single red lock of hair. Its so red that almost looks like a smoldering flame. Haldir, who lives with the survivors of Doriath, sees that red hair, that tall stature, the handless right wrist and pales. While he wasn't there to witness the destruction of Doriath, he has heard the tales, he knows about the red haired monster that haunts the memories of the Sindar, and he knows what that Figure is capable of. Luckily, that Figure manages to catch a glimpse of Aragorn, and Freezes once again, a single stone that cuts through the rushing current of orcs all around him. Haldir doesn't see it again, but then again, Haldir doesn't see much of anything again.

(The Figure sees Gandalf on the hill, arriving with the dawn and reinforcments and it grieves, something in it breaks all over again but the magic puppeting its moves doesn't allow it to dwell. The helm is readjusted and the hair is tucked away and the Figure turns and leaves the battlefield. Its being summonded somewhere else.)

The war rages on, the Witch King is dead, but so is King Theoden. The Figure is trapped, the right wrist is pinned under the corpse of an oliphant and Elrond's sons watch as the Figure struggles before lying still. It's clearly not dead, but realizing it's trapped.

Aragorn and Legolas and Gimli join the twins. Gimli offers to thrust his axe in its chest, Legolas insists that he can shoot through its eye from a safer distance. Aragorn, who heard Haldir's frantic pleas during his final moments, just observes the Figure.

He notices the strange collar, how it clearly has cuffs on its wrist and feet, like it used to be shackled and chained.

"Can you speak?" He asks it.

The Figure does nothing but turn its helm towards Aragorn. They stare at each other for a few tense moments.

One of the twins, Aragorn still isn't fully sure which one, approches the Figure slowly. The Figure's helm is still directed at Aragorn.

"It feels familiar." The one twin whispers, voice raw from exertion. "It has a fea, it feels warm."

"Like uncle Erestor. Or Lindir." The other twin agrees.

The Figure turns its helm towards the twins at the mention of Erestor. The twin closest to the Figure, quick as an adder, jabs a polearm at the Figure's helm.

It snaps back, the helm tumbling off the Figure's head and those smoldering red locks fan out around the head, obscuring the face from view.

Even without seeing the face it's clearly an Elf. An abused one at that if one just looks at the notches missing from it's pointed ears. The polearm is back, nudging under where a chin should be to lift the face.

First, all that is seen is scars. So many that pull the once handsome face, for even under all its marring one can tell from the bone structure that this was a face that could launch a thousand ships, into a grotesque manner. But it is the eyes, the eyes that makes everyone suck in a breath.

These eyes glow, they glow with power, with light never been seen before, or well, haven't been seen in Ages. These grey eyes glow with the reflected light of the Two Trees, long since felled.

"Oh, Maitimo," Gandalf, who had wandered up the the group, sighed with tremendous sorrow. "What has become of you?"

Maitimo, or Maedhros as those in the Third Age know him as, tries to speak. His lips move, which brings attention to the fact that they are loosely sewn together with a black cord that seems to pull and ooze blood, never letting the wounds heal. His voice croaks, dry with misuse, but he manages a sound, a breath, perphaps even a word. Each syllable like a dying wheeze. He repeats the sound, again and again, almost becoming frantic with his wheezing chants, blood spilling down his chin from the threads, until it's understandable.

"Necromancer."

#amber rambles #silmarillion #maedhros #maitimo #silm fic #Iotr #I personally think it would be Fun and Seasonal if Mae becomes a zombie puppet for Sauron #like I already think that because of the Oath and because of his time with Morgoth and Sauron he wouldnt be able to die or hear Mandos Call #And I think Sauron would be a petty bitch enough to bring back Mae as a fun little HaHa Deal With THIS Emotional Trauma Elrond U Ass #I couldnt decide if I wanted Mae to deal with Aragorn and the fellowship or with frodo and sam but I figured if hes being puppeted #he would go after aragorn HOWEVER a fun little alternative i have #is that he goes after frodo and sam and they end up in Shelobs cave and Mae is gonna kill the hobbits but the Liquid Starlight #snaps some of his Sauron Mind Control off and activates his Omg Oath!! brain and he fights Shelob off the hobbits to grab it #and he knows he cant grab the vial cause hes Literally a figure of evil now but he just sits there and stares at it #and Little Sam goes up to him slowly and asks #If you want that vial i can help you but you must not hurt Mr Frodo anymore do you promise? #And Mae nods his head. promising. #so Sam cuts off a corner of his cloak and wraps the vial in it and hands it over to Mae who just hold the cloth bundle and begins to shake #he sobs. big wheezes and moans that cant make it past his sewn lips but he tries and Sam runs off to save Frodo while he does that #Then once gollum tosses himself and the ring into the lava and the world is crumbling around them Mae appears in the cave opening #to scoop up the tired hobbits and carry them to safety not caring about lava chasing after them. He collapses once the eagels come #Sam tries to get them to take Mae as well. But they dont and he screams and Mae just takes off his helm and smiles #He holds up the wrapped vial in his hand and with his bladed hand he cuts through the threads on his lips and shouts up to the sky #Thank You! A New Dawn Shall Rise!! and the eagles fly higher and farther and sam cant see it but he knows the lava swallowed him up #and a new dawn does rise. It rises on a new Age with a new king and a wedding and painful goodbyes and a new beginning

[nateriverswife]

Jessica gives me so many problems with her many aliases when I have to talk about her and L, because L knows about Rowan but she tries to bury her completely; L lived some months with Elio but it is an alias she was forced to assume & their interactions at the Wammy's weren't the friendliest; L interacts mostly with D for Detective, but it was born under very special circumstances because it is a tool that ensures L's safety and her power over him; L works with Mei during the Kira case so it means nothing outside that & Ryuga is Ellie's classmate but it's not them them; Jessica is the only identity she has chosen for herself — the first time she has ever felt like she could be herself for real, even if in the beginning she used it to run away from Rowan — BUT Jessica is virtually no one to L (they interacted once, even if it's very significant). And the thing is that she has such a rigid way of thinking about her different identities — she compartmentalises them. They do not exist outside their own context or reason for existing, but to L, she's each one of these identities, that influenced him in so many different ways. However, he's forced to pretend that she is just D for Detective, and so he has a hard time understanding her. She's right there in front of him but so out of reach, and it's painful.

#they are both hurting over this lmfao #lovely how she's doing it all herself & she could just process her trauma and be happy #but to face what happened to her at 11 years old is hard so ignoring it and hoping Rowan magically dies is the best choice in her opinion #like she's passively waiting for her to die while actively protecting her behind Jessica #the duality of this woman - being the best agent but can't find a way to deal with anything that requires a bit of emotional vulnerability #d.exe #the last part might not make sense to anyone but me right now but yeah #I'm just very anxious about my exam and needed to think about something else #I don't even know how to tag this because who I am talking about exactly

[ghost-of-you]

5sos: *plans a very thoughtful tour with songs from every album, interactive bits, exclusive skits, 28 songs including songs the fans asked for the previous tour*

"fans": oH mY GoD ThEy aRe sO bReAkInG uP aFtEr tHiS tOuR ItS tHeIr gOoDbYe tOuR I cAn FeEl It

Me: imma start blocking y'all

#im gonna get violent #hey dipshit maybe go to therapy deal with the traumas of march 25 #and shut up #the dudes cant even do something nice for the fans without yall starting break up rumors #go touch some grass for fucks sake #like i don't agree but at least I understand why solo projects may create this tension #BUT WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THEY ARE BREAKING UP WHEN THEY ARE ACTIVELY TOGETHER?????????? #???????????????? #im not kidding legit blocking people for this take #im tired #i'm rambling #the 5sos show tour spoilers

[faineant-girl]

i wish all addicts, in recovery or not, a life free of sorrow forever

#.vent #kinda. im not gonna delete this one though #i just. i sure am thinking about this a lot. #i listen to like. trip report videos or whatever and like. the comments section on every single one. just nasty #theres no sympathy for an addict to be seen. unless they're also an addict or are recovering #my dad is a recovered addict. hes been clean for 6 years. i love my dad and hes a wonderful person. #i obviously still have trauma from when he was actively in his mess. to deny that addicts have caused others trauma is to be reductive. #addicts can cause trauma because theyre people. and people can cause trauma all the same #but the lack of understand or care or basic respect to anyone dealing with addiction is just. appalling. #im sick and tired of hearing the same old fucking phrase that its the addicts fault cuz they decided to take the first hit. like #man how fucking cruel can you be. how heartless ya know. #like its obvious hardly anyone commenting abiut this knows anything about what being an addict is like. like. #i know i dont. ive been sober my whole life right. i do not have the same experience. #but. i have a compulsive disorder that makes me perform a task that is 1 harmful 2 almost entirely out of my control #and i cannot describe to you how difficult it is to ignore that urge. for your mind to know what youre doing is harmful. but #your body physically is not listening to you. #like. its a different thing when its addiction. but being compelled to do something you know is hurting you isnt unfamiliar to me #plus with addiction the added factor that your body becomes physically dependent on a drug and it hurts you for a long ass time to try and #stop and withdrawl can sometimes literally be lethal. its so fucking sad to see people hold not even. like an ounce of sympathy ya know #if an addict has abused you im not saying you need to forgive them. you dont. but not every addict is youre abuser #and while you do not need to be involved. every addict deserves a good life. everyone deserves a chance. #just. god. makes me mad. makes me upset. #if you are an addict especially if youre not in recovery. i hope your days go well. i hope the world gets kinder to you.

[magentagalaxies]

.

#this might be both oversharing and being too vague rn but it's 2am and i'm emotionally exhausted #i can't believe during one of the most traumatic moments i've had in the past year i was lucky enough to have scott as my biggest supporter #the entire time as i was going through it he was so supportive giving me space to process shit and always having my back #and yet there are some people in my life who are always going to villainize him for one comment he said during that time out of context #or even if they're not ''villainizing'' him i now feel like i have to begin every sentence about scott with #''yeah we don't agree on everything but we're still friends and isn't that amazing!'' #which yeah that is true and i do genuinely enjoy when scott and i disagree and are respectful about it #BUT WHY DOES THAT HAVE TO BE THE FIRST THING I SAY ABOUT HIM???? #and honestly that whole experience made me agree with scott on way more than i started out with #i'm proud of how i was able to grow as a person and for the fact that it brought me and scott much closer together #but that shit i went through at my college was still traumatic. and it did change me as a person #it completely changed my relationship to activism in a way i'm not happy about bc i want to be more of an activist #but when i had someone use social justice language to justify horrible things against me it's hard not to be wary #of how hollow and performative a lot of conversations can be #and like i'll even say it. like people might get mad at me for admitting it #but that whole traumatic situation has irrevocably changed my relationship to gender as well #or at least how i label myself and how i move through these conversations #and in some ways i'm grateful for it bc i do feel like i know myself more and like i don't have to worry about what others' think #or even what other people understand #but it shouldn't have had to go down like that. and as much as the time i got to spend with scott during that time was so much fun #and such a great experience and he was truly the perfect support system during that time #he shouldn't have had to deal with that and neither should i #and the fact that scott somehow got villainized in some people's minds while the person who actually caused that trauma #is instead treated like ''yeah he was a bit misguided and made a mistake but he was probably anxious about it!! he's just a person!!'' #that's never going to stop being painful. especially the idea that with the importance people put on labels #i would supposedly have more ''community solidarity'' with that asshole than a cis gay man like scott #idk i think i'm past the timeframe of that traumatic experience bc it's not consuming every day like it used to a few weeks back #but something triggered it tonight so i just need to process it. anyway shoutout to scott for being there for me i really needed it

[bpdohwhatajoy]

You wanna be the victim so bad bc you know you’re the one doing shit. Lemme clue you in:) victims don’t go around claiming victimhood over minor indiscretions that they had a hand in. You know what we actually do? We fucking disguise abuse. We endure it. We dismiss our abuse and make excuses for our abuser. If you’re going to play the victim, at least learn how to be one lmfao

#ryan.txt #listen I am not saying there is only one way to be a victim #this does not mean that #this is @ ppl I have known with victim complexes who say they’re the victim while actively being the one being abusive #abusive relationship #abuse #toxic #cptsd #ptsd #trauma #traumatized #anyways someone is gonna get mad over this I don’t care quite frankly #I’m sick of dealing with victim complex people #who literally play victim when they’re the ones doing shit to me #fucked up people

[sharp-edges]

now its time for us all to play a game called "will matt rempe get scratched for the third game in a row, or are about to see him get his shit rocked by one or more of the devils (please of please, be more than one)"

#taps sign that says #my weird psychosexual crush on matt rempe is based on him GETTING hurt not him hurting other people so i do in fact WANT to see him get bea #up as retribution for that nasty elbowing hit on jonas last month #taps second smaller sign that says #yes i do know that head trauma is a big deal and i 'shouldn't' be actively looking forward to someone getting into a fistfight on the ice #BUT please consider that i am not a perfect person and i dont really care if im morally correct for wanting this #taps third even small sign that says #yes i do know that being unaware of his size and issues controlling his body has been a recurring issue for matt and that he spent his time #while suspended working on his coordination and awareness and that is a good thing i still want to see him fight it out and get square and #just move on from the whole entire situation #matt rempe #wow lots of signs in the tags here today

[draconicace]

i don't have enough medical knowledge to say the Correct way of handling it, and, also, stories don't have to be accurate to real life anyway.

but if and when i write an immediate post-tribunal fic, those bullet(s) are staying in. i am going to lead poison harry

#aiden's monologuing #ailb #ailbde #kim's trained in first aid but he is Not a surgeon #and the thigh is a terrible place to try and get a bullet out of #i am still and forever mad at gottlieb and the unnamed 57th's lazareth #why was kim operating on his partner. why'd you do that to him #in the other scenario gottlieb does come. and removes the bullet. and leaves. #i'd rather harry have to deal with eventual bullet removal due to lead than #bleeding from a cut artery. on a couch. in a hostel. the sea gurgling outside #the 41st was very much willing to abandon them both. and the 57th wasn't far behind #57th really said 'oh our own isn't actively dying? ok he can fit some more trauma in him he'll he fine' #just relive your trauma over your last partner dying. over the first person you've had fun with in years bleeding out #the images overlaying.... #And harry was hitting withdrawal. the fuck even. i am of the opinion revachol will not let him die #ignoring all the uh. false? endings where he does die. from sleeping outside in the cold and whatnot

[nightingaletrash]

Okay I think my first playthrough will be a Dark Urge Monk. I've still got to decide on the race and design, but I think I'll save that for launch day and play around in the CC until I like what I'm working with.

The Dark Urge just appeals to me so much, maybe its just where I'm at mentally or because of the characters I'm enjoying at this point in time, but the idea of someone wrestling with this inner darkness and the constant, draining battle against it... it'll either end with them finding people who help them control it and provide the support they need to keep it at bay OR it'll go pear-shaped and they'll be worse than ever :3

#bg3 #yes i am still thinking about Her #jinx literally altered my brain chemistry #like she's distinctly Not like the dark urge because she doesn’t have conflict over the things she does #she's Just Like That on her own. no dark impulses required just active choice #but its about the constant mental battle. the exhaustion the endlessness the never ending drain #and the way that it can actively ruin you and your relationships because you're constantly running on fumes #and the need to get it out so you can be free but you don’t know how to do that without making things Worse because no one ever taught you #believe it or not im actually in a pretty healthy mental space these days like im not in utter shambles #ive gotten good at recognising when things are getting bad and heading it off at the pass #but im still dealing with the fallout of years of trauma and mental illness so there's something strangely therapeutic #about exploring characters like jinx because while its not 1:1 my experience there's still kernels of me in there #depression. abandonment issues. paranoia. anger feeling trapped and unloveable #its all dialed up to 100 in jinx but theres bits and pieces of me in there and exploring that helps me come to terms with those pieces #oops this was supposed to be a bg3 post wasnt it lol

[ozlices]

i have to make appointments & also let my doctor know id rather continue one of the new meds she put me on bc it actually helped but ive been completely unmedicated for 2 fucking days & the thought of doing Anything makes me wanna throw up im so over being a person

#mine #i rly do not have it in me to make appointments dawg i have medical trauma can i get used to one new doctor #before im tossed around like a gd hot potato to numerous others. i literally attend my appointments w my cane #what's not clicking abt me having VERY fucking low energy in the aftermath of sm straining stress bruh #but like i dont have a choice bc i could have some of my meds stopped if i dont see certain doctors & im just here like 🫠 #i feel somewhat stupid like damn i rly thought finally i had a chill doctor w common sense but no i still gotta fight for my gd life #just be given say over MY OWN GODDAMN WELLBEING #'oh well this causes physical health concerns' to be completely blunt idfc anymore. #truly i fucking do not #my body is a fucking nightmare my entire system resents at this point bc we always have some lvl of bs going on w it #we've no choice but to stop fucking caring bc the numerous mental strains we're dealing w worsen them ON THEIR OWN #& also like literally fuck off bc my body wouldn't be this shit if doctors actually TOOK CARE OF ME PROPERLY #before it got this bad. #there's no fucking fixing shit now by worsening my already overwhelmed & strained body/mind by making me a gd hot potato #if im not Actively Perishing or on the immediate brink of the risk IDC #I NEED TO FUCKING BE ALLOWED TO //CHILL THE EVER LOVING FUCK OUT// #//that// SHOULD BE THE PRIORITU #ive been strained for YEARS but esp since last year to a CONSTANT degree #can i fucking get one GODDAMN foot on the ground to pick myself back up jfc #im so tired & annoyed & sick of there always being SOMETHING #i just wanna fucking chill & finish my preps to stream again & get back to pursuing what i love please #im gonna LOSE MY MIND

[crplpunkklavier]

i feel like there's been a lot of talk about how starting HRT "late" in life can still give you a beautiful transition in terms of looks and effectiveness, which is important and correct of course. but also as someone who is 30+ and in its 4th month of T now i also just want to say. i am Glad i didn't do this when i was younger. i am rampantly horny and now my forehead is breaking out in pimples and i can GUARANTEE you that i am dealing with both of these things WAY better now at 31 than i did at 17 lol. like i fully realize everything is different for everyone and many kids' puberties could be actively saved by being allowed to transition. this is not an argument against transitioning in your youth. this is just me saying my god sometimes it's nice to just be a chill adult

#i waited this long because i wanted to finish trauma therapy first #because i was dealing with cptsd and paranoia while still actively moving away from abusers for a while #and again i realize this wouldnt be possible for everyone #but i personally had the capacity to just wait and sort the rest of my life out first before going back to puberty #and i am really glad and proud that i did #so i guess what im saying is not everyone should wait and certainly nobody should be forced to wait #but if you are waiting for whatever reason? youre good. itll be fine. itll be great <3