#and i am intensely uncomfortable

[decisions-at-3am]

I was only ever a pawn to you, All too expendable. I tried to play your twisted game. Moving from square to square, Like the wooden puppet I was. But it was never enough.

I'd sliced myself open, Offered piece after piece. Eventually, I lost myself; Ran out of things to give. Your disappointment hurt the most, More than any punishment could.

Deciding to leave was so hard. But I jumped off your chess board, The most freeing day of my life. I expected to end up dead, But I landed alone and broken. Shoud I have been relieved or scared?

#writerscreed #poets on tumblr #original poetry #spilled ink #dark academia #original poem #poetry #poem #writers and poets #female poets #my poetry #poems and poetry #poems on tumblr #my poem #poems #📚 #title: let's play chess #this bad boy can fit so much trauma #I tried a slightly different writing style #and i am intensely uncomfortable #I highkey hate how this turned out #I might go back and edit this at some point... #incase people want to be sure #same character narrating from 'let me remain unseen' #honestly when I write poetry about this guy I realise how much I project onto him lol #I also think that's the reason I like the poems I write about him the most #A large part of those poems involve/reflect my own feelings #Which I guess makes sense #But slightly worrying lol 😅

[gogolizards]

i’ve got you inukawa 👍

#mp100 #mob psycho 100 #maybe I am a little bit too sensitive but some of the inukawa alien sequence made me a bit uncomfortable.. #i thought it was beautifully animated but yk.. #mp100 spoilers #mob psycho spoilers #mameta inukawa #reigen arakata #shigeo kageyama #tome kurata #im not tagging everyone sorry #anyway the episode was really good! that part made me uncomfortable just cause idk it felt more intense than how it was in the manga..

[khaire-traveler]

Hey, y'all, I'm going through a crisis right now, so I may not be as active as usual. I apologize in advance for any asks left unanswered for a while. Unfortunately, I just can't handle, well, much of anything right now. I'm sorry.

#blog post #blog update #personal #honestly i want to make a vent post #but I'm kind of terrified of making people extremely uncomfortable #because shit is fucking insane over here #seriously it is ridiculous and intense #and i have been pushed to the point of crisis #so yeah probably not the best thing to post about #even if i am genuinely feeling desperate

[bmblboop]

Knowing that Raine never forgot what happened, we really should give Raine more credit for not drop kicking Kikimora when given the chance

#that's self restraint right there #toh memes #toh spoilers #raine whispers #kikimora #midnight thoughts #follies is such a fun rewatch now #raine be like: intense eye contact makes me uncomfortable so I am 100% gonna abuse my amnesia to do it to you #yes I know Raine would never do that and blow their cover but also the opportunity was right there - she didn't know they were even there

[absenthearted]

🌼  [insp.]

#hackearney #the quarry #thequarryedit #travis hackett #laura kearney #travis x laura #ok explanation time: so i had to go back after seeing that post by @sparrya #and there's literally. a single frame transition where the blood disappears (you can see it in the gif lmao) so he WAS going for the blood #i mean she's obv still uncomfortable here and he's still being weirdly intense but i agree that it's less creepy LMAO #also i didn't realise until i was literally done that i was colour-editing with night shift mode on. i'm so dumb #but i'm too lazy now to recolour everything and fix it #but that explains why they looked so different on my phone lmaooo #sorry these gif sizes are horrific. also yes i am procrastinating. im done with the gifmaking for little bit now though lmao #sometimes i make things #*

[katyspersonal]

It is always so hard to recover the default settings of my brain after someone had already fiddled with them.

I live completely settled and accepting that nothing in my life will ever get better. That Russia will just keep getting digged deeper and deeper into its grave and I'll never be able to leave it (I am poor, nor I have qualifications important enough). That I'll just die here, and alone, and unloved, and very soon after my mom passes away because I can't fully care for myself. That everything will just keep getting worse, that I'll never reach the civilized world, that I'll always struggle with money for as much as food, that nobody will want to be my family.

But I accepted it, there is no need to worry too much if nothing can be changed. So it hurts even stronger when some asshole crawls back, telling me that he can't have a future without me, how much he wants to take me out of this mess and give me better life, how he has money to buy everything he ever wanted but it all means nothing if he can't buy me gifts and see places with me and meet holidays with me. How he just wanted to have a family at last in his life and only saw me as such - not because I was the only one who would accept, but because he only liked me. Because in the end I dropped my guard and felt hope. My brain completely rebuilt my concept of life and future from "dying alone, cold, unloved and pretty soon" to imagining doing everything there is to do in life together with someone I love.

But apparently he got too scared and uncomfortable with how fixated I became on meeting irl already, since I kept asking him about it? Of course I was impatient! I could not wait to take walks in the places he showed me together, and let him teach me how to cook, and watch all the shows he wanted me to show together, and do house stuff like picking furniture, cosplaying, decorating for holidays, taking care of pets, having long talks before falling asleep etc.. Yet he thought that was cringe and it made me sound "obsessive and entitled" and he went all "woah chill, you should be more HUMBLE and grateful for the OFFER, actually I was not in my right mind when I offered you, I am not really that desperate for you so why can't you just visit me once in a while for holidays or something :)"

And I just can't rebuild myself back to how I used to be right away. The vision of a better future became so apparent, so integral for my thoughts and feelings every day, that I kind of lost the idea. Like walking out of a house only for the door to lock itself behind me, so I can't even walk back in and am stuck outside.

I feel like my life just tries to teach me that I can't be loved or wanted. Why else I keep facing betrayals? Because it should be apparent that if something sounds too good to be true - then it IS.

#/vent #personal #not the first time when someone gets weirded out by how... intense i get when i trust someone #it is hard to actually earn my trust despite me acting friendly and talkative #i am like... clinically paranoid. i am always prepared that my 'buddies' secretly hate me #or that they will leave very abruptly #thats why i become too clingy once my trust is earned - because i am so starved for feeling it #but he like... provoked it. this is different #empty promises and undecisiveness are such a turn off #sorry if this is incoherent ive been crying all day #i guess no one can handle facing the 'real' kat. even those that crawl back begging to see it. #i should just stay repressed and with my shell wearing me instead of me wearing it #look people.. just stop being too nice to me. stop acting like you really love me. #it is clear that whatever is under my shell makes everyone uncomfortable. #that i feel 'too' much and love 'too' much as soon as i feel worthy enough #i guess feeling worthless is the only way for me to not push someone away. #Youtube

[buckttommy]

I think the guy who runs RGP wants to fuck Ryan real bad

#I keep an eye on the account because it's honestly giving erotomanic stalker in a way that is extremely uncomfortable #but lately there's been an intense undercurrent to his posts that has me... concerned. #I would love to be wrong (and possibly am!) but at the same time I'm like... Ryan blink twice if you need help #and also stop posting your fucking location lol

[nemjun]

the gender chaos going on with me rn ugh. start thinking about dating a guy and then feeling like I have to reason out the complexity of my gender ugh

#am i a girl? no #do i want to be girlfriend/wife? yes #am i intensely uncomfortable with anything that makes me feel less fem? incredibly so!!@

[divorcemotif]

FINALLY A HAMLET 2000 TRUTHER

VERY NICE TO MEET YOU I AM OBSESSED WITH HAMLET 2000. my friend and I put it on on a 3 am whim intending to make fun of it but the further in we got the more we were turning to each other like "wait is this good? is this actually good though?? holy shit?? why does this go off?"

#some may argue that the blockbuster scenes or the faxing or the painfully 90s outfits date this movie but I #enlightened #am here to argue it was actually ahead of its time. #its time hasn’t happened yet or anything ofc but it Will come #hamlet #ask #every day I think about his stupid fucking hat. #also that uncomfortably long shot in 1.2 of hamlet and claudius talking reflected fuzzily in the half rolled down car window while a #sharply in focus gertrude beams up at them over the rim.. like. she's so.... #+ the commitment to utter unaesthetic-ness: hamlet’s super cluttered depression apartment & cars honking on the new york street #& 4.3 in the LAUNDROMAT— ham 2000 is the 2d production I've seen where hamlet kisses claudius after 'man and wife is one flesh'' #a concept I like a lot more than the traditional gertrude kiss bc it's kinda in line w how he's been fucking with claudius the entire scene #(though ethan hawke kisses them BOTH. a choice I am OBSESSED with. get it I guess) #as a pretty subdued unenergetic hamlet I def wouldnt say its my fave performance but there are like. so many fascinating choices #the action movie motif.. the airplane motif.. biker horatio.. marcellus as his girlfriend who's just silently in the bg for all of act 5?? #also BILL MURRAY POLONIUS and actually all the ophelia stuff was such a Take. #that intensely uncomfortable scene with the king & queen where hes telling them about her relationship with hamlet as she slowly wanders #along the edge of the pool... it's SO visceral like that's. that's exactly how being a kid feels. #no agency.. your parents telling people your personal shit while youre just There. and zoning out to cope #anyway I'm tired but so much abt the framing & symbolism is so oddly compelling I can't go through all of it #a lot of it I just didnt know what to think of too loll like setting the ros & guil scene in the club.... #them having to yell to be heard over the music is such a specific and awkward vibe as to be intriguing #but also they cut the most interesting part of that scene lol I was disappointed #+ they cut the gravedigger which is.. in line with how little they showed hamlet's sense of humour and odd bursts of energy and such :( #but anyway it's undeniably a fun watch with a friend #I'm definitely forgetting some stuff there was a Lot

[to-dance-beneath-the-diamond-sky]

I know it’s international asexuality day and we’re supposed to be proud of being ace and all. But idk. That’s hard when I really really hate that I’m ace. Being a cisgender heteroromantic sex-repulsed ace is not exactly a fun or positive experience for me. It is just me feeling lonely and defective and wrong all the fucking time. Like that’s genuinely great for all the aces and aro people out there who love it and can take pride in it. You’re valid and you’re not broken and I’m happy for you that you can embrace and celebrate this part of your identity, I genuinely am. But for me personally, I would give just about anything to not be ace, I hate it so much. Being ace has never not once done a single good for me.

#I’m sorry #but I just want to be normal #Yeah yeah yeah I know internalized acephobia and all that #but idk #being ace has genuinely never resulted in a single good thing for me #very very hard not to hate it when it only ever makes life more difficult for you #idk maybe it’s just that it combines with my other trauma and shit but like #I still hate it and would give almost anything to not be this way #I want to be lovable #I want to be able to be in a normal healthy romantic relationship #instead of being terrified of them and sabotaging everything because the person will want to have sex #And the thought of having sex with anyone is literally panic inducing #Anyways #please ignore me #im just being emo and sad #Because I have such an intense crush on someone right now #And I can’t pursue it because I’m ace and he’d want things from me and I’m just. I just can’t #I can’t even talk about being ace to people because no one gets it and it makes me soo uncomfortable to have to talk about it or explain it #so yeah he’s so nice and I really really really like him. But like every other of the few times I’ve been romantically attracted to someone #I’m not gonna act on it because I’m fucking ace and I’m gonna be alone my whole fucking life #Because no one would ever want to be with me given the way I am #God #sorry please just ignore me #Personal

[kustas]

Thank you for answering! Although i felt a bit defensive at the gay ship comment lmao. I dont even ship anyone in dungeon meshi i just enjoy the fact that fandom is actually interested in female characters and wlw relationship for a change (although it seems to be shifting a bit with the anime…). But honestly i think there is a truth in everything you said. I didn't know that toshiro was that disliked. Personally, I think he is a great character and his fight with laios is one of the best scenes in the whole manga because how relatable (at least for me) both sides are. (Also its funny.) Anyway, characters being cringy and disliking each other are super fun and can't wait for new stories from Kui. She should try at fantasy slice of life imo

unfortunately I've witnessed the fujobrain first hand in the fandom it IS worst for male characters though. I'm not sure what to think about it. diversity win that it's spreading to girls I guess! doesn't matter though. where's that post about telling a gay couple you defended their rights in the fire emblem fanfiction community

also can't wait for new stories from the author... I really want to read her shorts when I can, the two I've read of hers are fantastic and it's my favorite form of story... She's such a good writer I'd trust her with anything she could be planning in the future

#you get e-stoned for talking abt this but #the intense hostility towards m/f couples in fandom makes me very uncomfortable as a person youd call bi #this is in gay bitches only circles btw. I am also gay bitches but I don't do that #ask

[harrowharkwife]

x

#i can't bring myself to talk about the palestine israel stuff publicly online yet no matter how many times i try #but please rest assured that i am not ignoring any of it. it's weighing on me very heavily and occupying most of my irl conversations #every time i try to talk about it i end up writing a fucking novel length brick of text #if anyone wants to talk about it i am here and open to discussing it via DMs #it has been a difficult and exhausting and disheartening and intensely uncomfortable week to be an anti-Zionist jew online #which i do realize is incredibly western/American/first world problems of me to be saying when people are literally dying #but just. i have a lot of thoughts but for the most part they all boil down to frustration at having my entire faith and culture #equated with zionism at every turn #and it is so distressing to watch chronically online westerners actively cheering on death and war and conflict #and none of the things i want to say will fit in a post or a canva infographic or a tweet or an insta story #just. palestinians deserve to live freely. jews deserve to live safely. #what we're seeing now is the inevitable result of decades of violent genocidal settler colonialism #that doesn't make it justified or any easier to swallow or any less heartbreaking #personal #idk

[mixelation]

i wish you would write a fic where itachi AND sakura AND deidara date!! everyone gets feral girl summer!!

"I wish you would write a fic where..."

YES YES YES

Godddd I want a fic like this so bad. I did go through the AO3 tag for this ship a while ago because this is my IDEAL ot3 but there's not a lot. :( Every once in a while I go "then I should just DO IT MYSELF" but I can barely write a romance with two people, let alone three?? i struggle when juggling too many characters so i've never even attempted writing a polycule dhfdj

this fic was meant to be an intro to a dark itasakudei comedy where itachi and sakura are trying to reverse-engineer necromancy while touting around sasuke's corpse and deidara is dragged along kicking and screaming, but i never got very far into it. (it was ORIGINALLY supposed to be sakukarin and itadei, but then i wrote this and went "oh no but my original otp itasaku--" and also stories get more streamlined if you cut characters, rip karin.)

maybe i will poke at it some more once i clear out some of my current projects..... thinking emoji

#i want practice like. ending stories LMAO #itasakudei #my beloved ot3 #this fic is very like. itachi and sakura get very intense about each other very quickly and deidara is there like #I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN WE ARE NOT ABOUT ME??? #and decides he needs to insert himself directly into whatever the fuck this is #even though any sane person would flee immediately #why does ITACHI get the hot girl >:( DEIDARA should get the hot girl AND itachi's stupid horrible attention >:( #like EXCUSE ME have the two of you forgotten the reason sasuke is dead is DEIDARA and you should be focusing on HIM--- #just so many intense and completely unhinged feelings

[ante--meridiem]

.

#So how does one avoid going into an 'i am the worst person ever' spiral whenever they mess up and are mildly chastised for it? #Asking for a friend #Like in my favour I'm pretty sure I avoid the 'make people feel they can't tell me I messed up bc then they'll have to reassre me' trap #By keeping the spiral entirely internal or at worst in front of people who are not them #Which is not wholey altruistic. It's also bc people feeling like they have to comfort me is intensely embarrassing & uncomfortable to me #But anyway. I'm good at not making the spiral other people's problem but it would really be nice to avoid it internally too. #Personal #Whining #Possibly to be deleted #(if anyone has actual advice here it would be much appreciated!)

[jvzebel-x]

(a love story in five parts:)

"You could do anything to me, and I'd let you. ... Tell me you love me, at least. Please. I need to know somebody does."

"I always think of a passage from the Symposium, this allegory about people who started off as two halves of a whole, but then something cut them apart and they spend their whole lives looking for the other half so they can fit themselves back together. And that's how it feels. It hurts. It's like I lost you before I was born."

"I know why you fuck me like you wish you could kill me. I know everything that gets you off, you can't help but show me. There's no part of you that I can't see."

"Because it wasn't as if they'd never hurt each other before-- between them, it was a kind of tenderness, writing themselves onto each other's bodies with every mark they left. It was a promise: I'm here, I've always been here. Pain was a necessary consequence, but that was all it was."

"All they were-- all they had ever been-- was a pair of sunflowers who each believed the other was the sun."

x. "These Violent Delights", Micah Nemerever

#These Violent Delights #Micah Nemerever #📚 #i have been waiting for this book for AGES. i got the rec forever agoooo&it was so worth the wait im clawing out of my skin LMAO. #the way that song of achilles invoked feelings uncomfortably close to my love at what would arguably be its best #there were scenes in this book that made me need to put it down&decompress bc they were uncomfortably close #to actual experiences i had in my actual marriage lmao. #it was actually... fascinating. seeing this story from the pov of someone whos thought processes reminded me so much of #one of the most profoundly abusive ppl i have ever had the misfortune of being involved w LMAO. #it was incredibly written. so much so that when the narrative would devolve into stints that were obviously&heavily unreliable-- #i had to. stop. for a sec. lmao. #paul would spiral out of control while dissecting julian&the tone. the way-- even in his own head-- there was nothing julian could #do or say to make him believe that he loved him or cared about him or wasnt manipulating him. it was. intense. lmao. #so obviously i am fucking OBSESSED 💘💘💘 #this came at such a good time-- 'if itll keep my heart soft break my heart every day'. :')♡

[potpiehead]

when i have positive and consistent interactions with people I feel mentally well and have energy and hope for myself but when things are turbulent between me and others or I feel lonely I lose hope and feel tired and that's something I've learned thoroughly

#its normal more or less i just wish i wasnt so intensely affected by it #any uncomfortable interaction or a few moments alone makes me feel like the world is hell #do i still like having alone time occasionally? of course but the conditions have to be right #if i feel liked and am in someones presence i have laser focus and feel vibrant and full. without those things i just feel like a shell