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allastoredeer · 2 months

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Hello, don't mind me, I just need to vent for a second.

First off, I just wanna say, as an aroace person on the ace-spectrum, feel free to ship Alastor all you want. Ship him with anyone. Have fun with it. Sex repulsed. Non-sex repulsed. Grey-ace. Demisexual. Pure unadulterated smut. Whatever, have at it. I love that shit.

Just please do it without infantilizing ace-aro people.

The amount of art, fics, and takes I've come across that's so patronizing to Alastor and his sexuality. Thing's like Alastor venting to Rosie about his feelings for a character with the caption "Alastor feeling love for the first time." Or Alastor wanting to have sex with a character and having feelings about that, and someone commenting "That's called a boner, sweetheart. That means you like them 🤭"

Like??? Like do ya'll not see how patronizing that sounds? Being ace-aro doesn't mean you don't know your own body. It doesn't mean you don't understand the functions of your body.

It doesn't mean you've never experienced intense emotions. It doesn't mean you've never experienced love before.

And, look, I know these are meant to be jokes. I know. People are joking. I laughed at the first few I came across, too. It's not meant to be harmful or condescending; no one means it that way. But there's been so much with such...bad takes recently, and I don't know about any other ace-spec people (I don't speak for all ace-specs. Hell, there are probably other ace-spec's who don't mind, enjoy it, or are making content like it themselves. I just speak for myself) but GOD it's getting uncomfortable.

Alastor is in his late 30's-early 40's in human years. That is the established age range we have for him. Do you really think that he'd go that long without ever experiencing "love?" He went through puberty just like everyone else, do you think he doesn't understand his own body???

Being asexual, or sex-repulsed, or touch-repulsed doesn't mean you automatically don't explore these parts of yourself. It doesn't mean he's never, once in his life, touched his own dick, or pussy, or whatever genitalia you're giving him. He can still very well be a "virgin" (which in and of itself is a social construct) while also knowing his body and confidently handling any "sexual needs" he has.

Do you really think he doesn't know what a boner is? That in all the years he's been alive and dead (on Earth and in Hell), he wouldn't have experienced these things once? (And you know what? Maybe he hasn't! Perhaps there are ace's out there like that! But you're telling me he doesn't KNOW what that is??? Really???)

Ah, no, it's all because he just hasn't found the right person yet, right? It's not until Lucifer/Angel Dust/Vox, whoever found him, and they gave him these feelings, and oh no, poor Bambi is feeling twitterpated and horny for the first time, isn't that romantic!

Honestly, not really. It just sounds like the same, stupid shit ace-aro people hear from family, friends, and acquaintances about their sexuality. You know, the tried and true: "Oh, you just haven't found the right person yet. You'll want all that eventually, you'll see😊"

Do you not see how frustrating that is?

Look, I am all down for Alastor exploring parts of himself. I want him to navigate different relationships, feel them out, figure out what kind of relationship he wants and what he's okay and not okay with doing. But there are ways to do that without treating him like a little UwU silly baby boy who doesn't know his own body, or his own emotions, or his own relationships with other characters. Like he needs someone to teach him about himself.

How about instead, he finds someone he feels comfortable exploring these elements with? Instead of them "teaching" him how to fuck, or masturbate, or whatever the hell you want to call it, they're giving him the room and safe-space to explore it at his own pace??!!

It comes across as someone who isn't on the ace-spectrum "teaching" an ace-spec character about their own sexuality which puts such a gross taste in my mouth. Or, at least, that's how it comes across to me.

And the thing is, I know people aren't going to stop. I know they're going to keep infantilizing Alastor and his aro-ace identity, and I wasn't originally going to make this post, because you can't control what people do in fandom.

So this is mostly just a post to say: HEY! Hello! Ace-aro person here! I hope you all are having fun and I love that you're exploring Alastor's asexual/aromantic identity! Especially those who may not be in the ace-spectrum themselves, as you're learning about us and our experiences! That's awesome! Can we just do that while also treating Alastor like the adult he is? Can we do that without being infantilizing and patronizing about his sexual identity? Please?"

That's all I really wanted to say. I just needed to get this off my chest instead of letting it fester. This isn't an attack on anyone, this is just the perspective of an Alastor multi-shipper who loves exploring his relationships with other characters (sexually and non-sexually) and deep-diving into the dynamics of the show.

Thanks for reading.

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innitmarvellous · 1 month

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So I read some books about aro & ace identities recently, because while I am quite sure that I'm ace and probably even aroace, I'm still struggling a lot with the ramifications of this discovery about myself, even though I first noticed this about myself a few years ago.

That's why I tried to make myself feel better by reading these books in the hope that it might be helpful in any way...and that's also why I took some notes about things that always bugged me in some way, both while reading the books and before that. (I'm not done with the books, but I already noticed enough recurring issues for a whole post.)

First, I really would like to feel at least sort of good about it. It doesn't have to be pride, just some sense of it being alright. I know that's not a prerequisite, but I don't want to feel unhappy and uneasy all the time just because of my identity :/

And there are some things I like about it. For example, having found a name and explanation for whatever is going on with me was undoubtedly nice, and I like the fact that the community seems to be very open to people identifying as ace or aro no matter where they exactly are on the spectrum. Well, there are always the exclusionists, but that's technically the consensus and I like that.

Still, there is this unpleasant feeling that doesn't seem to go away. The fact that there is something I will never understand and never experience - despite desperately wanting to. I guess that is the problem if something just isn't there, and that's just so hard to accept. Like, other people also might struggle with their orientation, but at least they do have the option to find someone who feels the same and will enter a relationship with them - while this is entirely impossible for me. And I think that's where I struggle the most, honestly. Knowing that there is no way to get the thing I want with my logical mind, because my feelings won't allow me to - and thus people on the outside won't consider me as 'relationship material' in any form since I'm lacking something crucial. And yes, I entirely understand that this would make people avoid me when it comes to relationships. After all I could never give them the thing they would expect from a relationship and it would be unfair towards them if I entered a relationship while being unable to do so. But it really doesn't make it hurt any less, and it definitely doesn't make me feel good about myself. There is something missing about me, that's just an undeniable fact and it reduces my worth in the eyes of others. Is that fair? Maybe not - I can't say, as I can't see things from their perspective - but it just is how things are. But it is very, very hard to accept.

Oh, and there is another thing that keeps being mentioned: namely that relationships without sex or of course also even fully platonic relationships are possible. But honestly? That doesn't really comfort me at all :') Because...I wasn't even nice and attractive (in both a physical and personality sense) - and whatever else - enough for a "normal" relationship, so it feels downright illusory to tell myself that someone will accept me despite my "defects" (if that's what I'll call them in this context, since that would be an allo person's view in most cases, I assume) and agree to have whatever kind of deeper relationship with me. That sounds like such a nice dream, and yet that's all it is and will remain: a dream. It's simply impossible, and that just feels bad. Because I would want to have closer connections to people, but I can't. Idk, but that is a bit cruel, especially as it isn't exactly my fault because of a choice I made.

I also feel kind of uncomfortable identifying myself as queer or part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I'd like to, but idk, I fear I wouldn't really be welcome in most queer spaces since I used to think I was heterosexual before I came across the terms ace and aro. Also, I was never oppressed due to my identity and had technically no trouble to pass as more or less some kind of straight allo late bloomer, so idk... And well, I see why my constant talking about some fictional/celeb mancrush I've got might make people think that I'm a liar and just pretend to be aro or ace for attention or other reasons. In fact, the exact same thing happened to me when a guy fell in love with me and I was forced to tell him about probably being ace. He didn't believe it because "I was always crushing on anime guys" and basically accused me of deliberately leading him on and it wasn't pleasant :/ (But I can't help it...I mean, a celeb crush doesn't require me to act on anything! I just find a guy attractive in whatever shape or form and it makes me happy to have my silly little daydreams about him and whatever. But it doesn't necessarily mean I graphically dream of fucking him, despite what I might jokingly say.) Anyway, I think it would be useful if I could confidently use the term queer for myself because idk, it would make things easier. As in, I'm definitely not "normal" aka not the standard straight cis person I once believed to be, but yeah...I still doubt that I would be allowed to call myself queer. I'm too different to be considered normal and too normal to be considered queer, I guess. So I'm sure people wouldn't be too happy about me pushing into their communities. Falling between the chairs again :')

Maybe all of my doubts and all that stuff...it's not so surprising, though. I mean, I kind of assume that most people wouldn't be too happy at the prospect of lifelong solitude and loneliness, without any chance to form deeper bonds with other people. Or maybe it's just me, who knows. It definitely scares the hell out of me and I hate it so, so much. And well, that makes it so difficult to make peace with this annoying sexual/romantic orientation of mine. (I would change it if I could...but alas we all know that's impossible.) I don't know what I exactly expected, but I surely didn't sign up to a rather sad lonely life of unhappiness and yet that is exactly what I will get :/ Another thing that is very hard to accept, and I genuinely wonder how other people managed to deal with that... I know accepting it and facing that truth is the only possible way, but yeah...I still can't bring myself to feel good about this. I mean, I've been lonely for my entire life, so I don't know...maybe I just hoped this would change at some point in the future and finding out that this will never happen now is kind of soul-crushing, honestly.

Lastly, I know that this is mostly a lengthy and overly personal rant post, so maybe no one has even read until here. But if someone did and feels like commenting, then I would really appreciate that, because...I still don't really feel fully enlightened on how I'm supposed to feel now. Maybe talking to actual people would help, but who knows. Again, I'd appreciate it if anyone wants to share their thoughts (my DMs are also open btw), although I'm aware that a random Tumblr post probably isn't the best way to solve my problem. ^^

#aspec #aroace #acespec #arospec #asexuality #aromanticism #asexual #lgbtqia #queer #(idk i just tag it as such now 💦)#i'm sorry that this isn't a very cheerful/joyful post but idk just felt i had to put some things into words...

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 9 months

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AITA for ghosting a guy?

I (18F, at the time 16F) met a boy (14M) at a new church group, while I was a closeted atheist. He seemed nice, but after I hung out with him for a few weeks a girl(15F? I don't know) that I didn't know came up to me and told me he had a crush on me. I asked him about it, and he said he didn't. That was a lie.

I kept hanging out with him, and he invited me and my cousin (24M at the time) who was a youth leader to his house for his birthday. While I was there, he gave me a switch online gift card, and then later took me aside and asked me out on a date with him. I said yes. He asked me later over discord if I had done it out of pity, and I told him that I wasn't sure if I felt that way about him, but that I had never been on a date and wanted to try it.

(Sidenote, I was considering the possibility that I might be asexual at the time, and didn't know about the split-attraction model yet, so I was also basically questioning if I was aromantic. There was a bit of a testing element to it, but also I was just genuinely unsure if I felt that way about him. I know I'm ace now, but I'm still not sure if I'm aro. I would not be comfortable telling him this.)

After I agreed to go on a date sometime, he started texting me a lot, and kind of acting like we were already dating. I was busy because my exams were coming up, but he kept trying to plan the date. I felt uncomfortable, and wondered if I should have turned him down. Then my mom came in.

I had told my dad earlier about the date, but he had to be out of town for a few days after and I wanted to tell my mom with him there. After he got back, it took me a few days to tell her. She was furious that I'd kept it a secret, and between that and my friend(15F at the time)'s mom telling her about this guy being bad news, she ordered me to tell him I wasn't going on a date with him. I texted him to tell him we weren't dating and never were, and that I wasn't going on a date with him. I felt bad, and mad that my mom had made me, but also relieved.

I didn't talk to him again, even as friends, for months. I came back to the group after he left, but he came back. He asked me what happened, and I told him that my mom had basically made me send him that text, but that I also had been stressed and didn't really want to date him. I thought maybe we could just be friends. I told him maybe we could try date years and years from now, but not anytime soon. But then he gave me his old laptop.

Now, giving someone a laptop is a nice thing, but it felt a little too much like a romantic gesture for me to feel comfortable with it, so I tried to refuse it. But my Dad was nearby when the guy offered it, and Dad said that a laptop sounded great. I don't think either of them realized how uncomfortable it made me, although I did talk to my Dad about it recently and he apologized. I still have never used that laptop.

A few other things:

He told me I wasn't like other girls, which felt like a red flag.

He made a few 'left-wing snowflake' jokes around the time I was becoming more left wing.

I didn't quite feel like myself around him.

My brother (13M at the time) told me that this guy had asked him if I was dating or had a crush on any other guys, and the guy seemed very happy when my brother said no.

Eventually, my parents decided we weren't going to that church anymore. I ghosted him. I felt bad, because he had been mad about me sort of ghosting him the first time, but I was really glad I didn't have to talk to him.

He just texted me out of the blue, and it's been well over a year since we last spoke. I really don't want to text him back, because I don't want to be around him. I felt sick when I saw his text. I don't want to do this again, but it feels mean not to text him. I just texted him.

Am I the asshole for ghosting him in the first place? Was I an idiot to text him back?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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aro-comics · 2 years

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Platonic

Platonic, 1/1 - The Original Arospec struggle 😭 … okay, I'm (half) joking, but quite genuinely this has been a big challenge for me navigating this world as an Aro! I know platonic affection is something people struggle with, aro or not, but I personally believe the aro flavour has its own unique layer of anxieties.

I've touched on this before, but a lot of this stems from my experiences growing up. When I was a kid, I really wanted and tried to express affection in a way that feels … authentic? And genuine? To how I relate to/experience platonic feelings for others. I don't know if my struggles with social skills affected this, but trying to show affection didn't end well most of the time. People thought I was being weird, or misread my intentions and would give (extremely unwanted) romantic advances. I know it's not the end of the world, but … this impacted my relationship with friendship as a whole. It hurts to feel like your feelings aren't reciprocated! And after a while this led me to reconsider how I communicate and express myself, if at all.

😅 … and yeah, I realize that was a bit of a downer. If it's of any comfort or positivity, like I mentioned in the comic I am working past what I now know is the effect of amatonormativity on me. I've been reflecting a lot on this topic so I've got a lot of (still forming) thoughts, but the gist of it is this: I know now I don't need to feel bad for being confused and conflicted about how I relate to and express my feelings for others - and even though I don't know what I really want when showing affection, being aware of why I feel this conflict is a much healtheir place to start from. I think my next steps are going to be more honest about my feelings with myself, since I learned to ignore a lot of them with amatonormative pressures. I hope it will eventually lead me to communicating these feelings more openly in my relationships in the future too 💚💚

As usual, I want to emphasize not every aro goes through the same things. If this doesn't apply to you, that's totally okay! Actually I'm really glad if you haven't had to experience this flavour of inner turmoil haha 😂 Either way, I'm always interested to hear about your perspective on all of this. Is this a part of your experience as an aro too?

[Image Description:

Slide 1: Celia sits in front of some plants, holding a blue watering can. "Something I've struggled with my whole life - and still am now, to a lesser extent - is showing affection platonically in a way that's authentic to how I'm actually feeling."

Slide 2: She continues "Even for people I'm not necessarily platonically attracted to, just people I genuinely enjoy being around and want to express my apprecation for -"

Slide 3: She stares down at an illustrated board of her thought process. "I'm always second guessing how I should behave"

On one side, Figure A shows her being very excited to see her friend. She has a whole puppy dog eye thing going on, and in the background she thinks: "should I be as excited as I actually am to see them?? What if I seem toooooo friendly? OH NO what if they think I'm flirting? What should I do? Help -"

On the other side, Figure B shows her standing with a much calmer if somewhat blank expression. An arrow labelled "A very platonically appropriate distance" is between them. She thinks "Or I can try toning it down … but WAIT what if I don't seem happy enough when I see them? Will they think I'm too reserved? WHAT IF THEY THINK I'M BORING AND THEY DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT AND-"

Slide 4: "As you can see … it's a dilemma" She says while making the stereotypically anime-esque streaming tears face.

Slide 5: She shrugs now, "But in all seriousness, I'm not going to pretend I have any good answer for this - because I don't, I'm still figuring things out. At least now I understand it's the amatonormativity getting to me."

Slide 6: "And moving forwards, I think as long as I'm being respectful of other people's boundaries, and communicating how I'm feeling … I'll work it out eventually." She waters her plants.]

#RegularComic #Platonic

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clonerightsagenda · 9 months

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Author's notes for Sick aka I ramble about my complex Disability Feelings

When you're sick, especially given the dominance of the medical model of disability, it's easy to view your body as a separate adversary, and this scenario takes it to the extreme of completely removing yourself from your body. I've talked before on this blog about my complicated feelings on magic disability cures - I don't like them in fiction; I'd like one myself in real life - and this is me contemplating 'what if'?

I do not like being sick. It is painful, time-consuming, expensive, and frequently embarrassing. I wish it had not happened to me. But being disabled is now a major part of my identity and experience - it's probably the first label I would list when thinking about the different facets that impact my life. Being disabled has made me more aware of disability justice issues and changed the way I relate to and rely on other people. In some ways that sucks - it's progressively taken over what I eat, where I work, where I live (which I also take to the extreme in this story with ambiguously literal possession) - but in other ways, I think the disability community often has a much better worldview than mainstream America. I'm glad I've become more aware of some of those perspectives and issues. And because disability has shaped so much of my life for the past... six? years, for good and for ill, it's hard for me to conceive of what my life would be like without it. How would I think about myself? What would I do? This is my new normal, like it or not. I don't remember what it's like to make a fist painlessly.

An added wrinkle is that autoimmunity is my body Trying Its Best. I make a lot of jokes about my body trying to kill me because that's how it shakes out (please, little guys in my blood, stop eating my bones) but autoimmunity is a trauma response. My body got clobbered by so many outside poisons that it can't recognize what a real threat is anymore. It's trying to protect me and doing a terrible job. It's another place where you can look at your body as an external adversary versus a system that your mind is also a part of. But also no matter how you look at it, I am still sick.

There's also some stuff in the piece about the helplessness that comes from being sick which (surprise!) I also have mixed feelings about. Because it sucks not having control over your body! I want to be supervising that shit. But also... I don't know how common this is, but there is a weird kind of comfort in being tucked in bed with someone else taking care of me. I even find going into surgery oddly relaxing because for a while my life will be someone else's problem.

At the same time I also worry that I'm using disability as an excuse. Am I begging off attending something because I really am tired or worried about exposure/overwork or do I just not want to go?

Finally we have Aro Angst because that's always on my mind. And it's extra on my mind in the context of disability because what if I get to the point where I can't take care of myself anymore? I don't have a romantic partner to help me or to provide health insurance if I can't work. I live near my parents and have passed up job opportunities that would take me further away. Most specifically for this story, even I find myself sometimes falling into the trap of assuming the ultimate endstate of closeness/intimacy would be romantic/sexual bc of cultural conditioning. It's annoying! So the character (Dani, I named her Danielle in a reference to the Daniel/the cooler Daniel meme) is still seeking the community, care, and closeness she experienced as part of the disabled community, and the messier weirder intimacy of feeling connected to her own body, but she's struggling with interpreting that through cultural norms of amatonormativity. Sometimes 'I want to be inside you/I want you inside me' is, shockingly, not a sex thing. Hence, toxic nonhorny clone makeouts. I guess???

Side note: I've mentioned this wrt pieces I've written with aromanticism that follow a similar pattern of taking something I am at least not too consciously dramatic about and making the MC a pathetic wet cat about it. I guess they are serving the purpose of Everyman in a medieval morality play here. They are crash test dummies I am flinging at walls to count the cracks. Not great character writing but that's not what this is about rn.

#kat writes #chronic illness blogging

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spottedenchants · 2 months

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Hey chanse, hope this isn't too weird but I just wanted to thank you for the touching sentiments series. Fandom is really good for finding fic with aspec perspectives and I've noticed essek/sg fic has a lot of it even compared to that. But I've never read anything like ts and it means a lot to me. I've been thinking lately about relationship dynamics as performances, and if you use that metaphor, a QPR is a performance of some really obscure play that I keep hearing about and it sounds SO good but i cant imagine how it would actually look, much less see myself as an actor in a production. And especially with your most recent two fics-- there is such intimacy between both Essek and Jester and essek and Caleb in these different ways, and at the same time, even when essek and Caleb straight up have sex, Essek is still at the same place on the ace/aro spectrum the whole time and it's just. Really nice to see, if that makes sense. I've read aromantic/asexual/QPR stories where sex and romance are just not on the table at all, and while those are great it's really comforting to see a story that blurs the lines even deeper than that. Not to get too serious about it, but it's so hard realizing you're gonna spend a lot of your life trying to write your own relationship blueprints, and I really can't emphasize enough what a comfort it is to know that someone else has thought about it enough to be able to write it out the way you have, and I'm really really grateful for it.

Hi hi! If a ‘thank you’ is weird, then I give you an equally weird ‘thank you for reading’ right back :3

(got rambly so the rest is under the cut xD)

I've definitely found fandom to be an excellent place to engage with aspec stories and feel very lucky to have found a corner where they feel not only accepted, but celebrated in good faith, and I am touched (ha :D) that Touching Sentiments has found a unique place in your mind and heart! 💜

As far as I’ve personally read (though tbf I have not read nearly as much published aspec fiction as I would like), I definitely get what you mean about the yes/no dichotomies of sex and romance that often show up in stories with aspec characters. ‘No’ is a lived truth for a lot more people than pop culture tends to imply, aspec or not, and I heartily agree that it’s very cool to see in print and on screen that ‘no, never’ is an option in the first place. :D It also has the benefit of being a very convenient shorthand to express a character’s orientation in a self-contained story that isn’t About their orientation, but also I get what you mean about wanting to see the lines blurred with ‘maybe’ more often. (Though that can get tangled in the whole ‘aces/aros can still conform to amatonormative standards’ side of things, which I really don’t have a solution for other than continuing to write and engage with aspec stuff, cause it’s hard to have a spectrum with only two points and getting multiple perspectives is the only way I really know how to build it out).

That’s definitely one of the reasons why I’ve found fanfic to be such a cool medium to write in- there’s soooo much room to really dig into nitty gritty details that a fixed story might not have the same space for! What is romance, what is sex, what is care, what is intimacy, what is love? *cue the music* We’re throwing out the dictionary here and writing our own so that everyone’s on the same page. >:3

I don’t have the bulk of these things posted yet, but TS!Essek’s intimacy with each of the Nein is very important to me and all of it is for sure flavored by his sexuality, and I am Thrilled that you've found him to be consistent!! I don't necessarily think TS goes deeper than other explorations in which the characters in question discuss or display their feelings around sex and romance, especially in the the fanfic scene, I’ve just published quite a lot of it and am reaping the benefits of breadth; no single TS fic needs to be everything or display every facet of him, it just needs to be whatever sliver it is. :3 (also I Do have a few cr fic recs (mostly sg) off the top of my head that dig into those lines of intimate conversation if you are interested :D)

As for relationships as performances! That is a lovely metaphor and I entirely understand what you mean, same hat and everything xD In some ways, I consider TS to be a very informal study log/synthesis paper on exactly that, and the script has just gotten more nuanced as I go xD That said, if you or anyone else is interested in the sorts of things I’ve researched to build the flavor of TS!Essek’s relationships with the Nein, I recommend searching up ‘relationship anarchy’ and ‘queerplatonic relationships’ specifically for further means of describing interpersonal relationships outside of the framework of amatonormativity, and then ‘loveless aromantic’ and ‘lovequeer’ for conversations about varying definitions of love and its applications both as a term and a concept.

I’ve also found pre-written/referenceable materials like Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbords and Yes No Maybe lists to be very helpful with relationship blueprints, too. The latter are often about the expression of sexuality as a whole, and they involve individualized thresholds of things ranging from states of dress to preferred anatomical terms to hygiene to safety to what is/isn’t deemed sexual, and other such points of emotional and physical intimacy as well. (Also I recommend Scarleteen just in general. very useful very informative very comprehensive groundwork)

I am sososo heartened to know you’ve found so much comfort in TS 🥺 It’s been almost three years since I started writing, period, and I am very glad my writing has been received with such grace and patience. Thank you for sharing your enthusiasm with me! I hope you continue to find stories that speak to you, and am grateful you've allowed mine to be a part 💜

#words!!!#words words yay #i could talk for a While about the intricacies of ts!essek's sexuality as i've carved it out so far #almost did here but it would have been Quite a digression xD #orientation and expression and identity and and and #people are all so intricate and unique #it's fascinating #he is a vessel of investigation and discovery #ALSO if you or anyone has recs for aspec fiction please gimme i wanna read them #talesofsymphoniac #chanswers

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notebookpapers · 8 months

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Hey, fellas! It’s time for

Ace✨Education✨Power Hour!✨

As an ace person myself, I forget that this is a concept that, for some people, can be hard to understand. So, in an effort to hopefully make it a little easier, here’s the best analogy I’ve found for it so far:

Asexuality is kind of like the inverse of what you feel for a one night stand.

I know how it sounds, I know, but bear with me here.

With a one night stand or a casual hookup, you don’t have to have romantic chemistry. You definitely CAN, but in some cases, even though you might be sexually attracted to each other and have great sexual chemistry, the romantic side isn’t really there. Sure, you’re sexually attracted to them, but you can’t really see yourself going on a date with them or building a life together.

Asexual attraction is kind of the opposite of that. If the sexual can exist without the romantic, then the romantic can also exist without the sexual.

And now, you might be asking yourself, “well, how is that bond any different from what you’d feel for a close friend?” And, to be fair, it can be similar.

You want your partner to be your friend, first and foremost, but there are things you’ll do with a romantic partner that’s different from what you’d do with a friend. For example, I wouldn’t daydream about taking my friends on a cute sunset walk on the beach while I hold their hands and kiss them under the moonlight. I don’t get that same flutter in my chest when I hold my friend’s hand.

Now, obviously, friends do hold hands sometimes. Hell, I’ve kissed my homies goodnight before, ain’t no shame in that. But it’s a different kind of intimacy. Does kissing your girlfriend feel the same as kissing your friend you’ve known since grade school? No. No, it doesn’t.

Asexuality is different for all people. Some feel small amounts of sexual attraction, some feel none at all. Some still have sex for their own reasons - to bond with their partner, to help them sleep, or to just have fun. But some people don’t have sex at all. It’s not the same as sex repulsion or abstinence - they’re just not interested. Many aces still feel romantic attraction, but some are aro-ace, and they don’t.

I hope my weird little tired-o-clock ramble helped somebody who’s struggling to understand. At the end of the day, though, if you don’t, that’s okay with me. I’m not expecting everyone to understand us. All I ask is that you respect us and those who have found comfort in the label of Asexuality. Our ace identities aren’t hurting anybody, and so all we ask is that you don’t hurt us, in return.

Hope my little 3 am word vomit helped somebody. That’s all from me for today, folks! :)

#rambles #tired o clock #asexual #asexuality #ace #ace price #asexual pride #asexual post #asexual education

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aro-culture-is · 1 year

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hello i’m so sorry to bother you but i think i might be aroace

i already have worked out that i’m ace, but recently i’ve really been questioning if i’m also aro

i’ve been in a relationship before but it lasted a week and the most we did was hold hands. i’ve been identifying as a lesbian for a while.

anyway my reason for questioning was that i don’t really think i can feel anything? i’ll see a pretty girl and go oh she’s cute but i don’t really feel anything more and i feel like i’m supposed to. recently i think a girl was crushing on me, but when i thought about kissing her, i felt really sick.

i still really, really, want a relationship, and i know im not interested in men at all.

i just don’t know what i am and i kinda hate myself for it

hi! it sounds like this has been a pretty rough time for you. I think it might be worthwhile to consider a few things here - the way you're describing your feelings sounds to me like you are actually pretty sure that you're aroace, but that you don't want to accept it.

in that case, i have a few thoughts. first of all: take a deep breath. it's okay. i promise you that this is not some kind of terrible fate. it's just one of many, many ways of being. there's a few different things you might want to think about while you process this self-discovery. for one, society often encourages a view of life in which romantic(/sexual) monogamous relationships are seen as The Ideal, and that life will be sad and unfulfilling without it. I don't know how much time you've spent talking to folks in their later years of life, but I can tell you that I've met plenty who never married and describe a happy life. it might be worthwhile to read up on amatonormativity to get an idea of this social pressure, and think on how it affects your feelings.

this isn't to say you can't still want a relationship, but, in my experience, I find that it's very worthwhile for many new aros to start with truly exploring if they want a romantic relationship, or if they want a happy and fulfilling life, and thought that meant they had to have a romantic relationship. if you do still want a romantic relationship - you're far from alone! even if you feel neither romantic nor sexual attraction, you're in good company. the same way that asexual folks can have sex for a variety of reasons, including enjoying it, aromantic folks can engage in romance. as long as everyone is comfortable, labels aren't really a big deal. do what you enjoy.

some labels that may lead you to communities or ideas that I suspect might help: romo aro is a term for aro folks who want romantic relationships, oriented aroace (such as lesbian aroace) is a term that may be worth looking into if you feel some attraction to women that doesn't fit well into romantic or sexual categories, and romance favorable aromantic works exactly the same way sex favorable asexual does - a quick way of saying "i'm a(-ro, -sexual) and i enjoy (romance, sex)".

I hope this helps!

#Anonymous #not aro culture #aro #aromantic #actually aro #actually aromantic #ask #mod kee #mod phoenix #aroace #am i aro #oriented aroace #romo aro #for safety:#internalized arophobia cw #because ngl these asks sometimes are like. a little much on the sadness about being aro

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gay-fae · 2 years

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for aros or people who are confused/want to understand their attraction a little better

Something I never really understood until I got more comfortable with being aromantic is platonic attraction. A lot of us know that attraction comes in all different forms but we can’t always pick out or discern what we’re feeling because the reality is that the human spectrum of emotions is complicated and doesn’t always neatly fit into boxes.

Platonic attraction was something that I often mistook for the beginnings of a crush. And because I didn’t understand what platonic attraction was, I got really frustrated when it never actually developed into a crush because everyone else seemed to get crushes, so why did my “attractions” never make me want to be more than friends with anyone?? I felt like I was behind or missing out on normal growing up experiences because getting crushes seemed like the standard (which is why representation matters!!)

Platonic attraction is something that I’ve come to understand better though! It’s still confusing at times but knowing that my intense feelings for someone aren’t necessarily romantic feelings is a great comfort.

What it feels like for me is: sometimes I experience a surge of love for a friend of mine. I find myself infatuated by them and want to be around them all the time. They make me my absolute happiest and I get excited at the prospect of seeing them. It’s a giddy feeling but it’s never turned into a romantic one. What I just described is how I’ve heard people describe feeling about their crushes but I know it’s not like that for me. I have no desire to be in a romantic relationship with my friends, I just want to be around them and spend time with them. (I’ve sometimes faced resistance on this front with people invalidating me and saying that I don’t want to accept that I have a crush. But these feelings of love are not exclusive to crushes, even if that’s the only context people usually hear them in).

I have been trying to figure out if I’m more of a QPR kind of person or even just open to a QPR because I am someone who sometimes desires physical affection (like hugs and casual touches) (it should be noted that im asexual so sexual attraction isn’t even a factor here). But whatever I realize I am or want will come with time.

I always thought of friendship as something that just kind of happens. If you have similar interests, boom you hang out and that means you’re friends. But so much more goes into friendship and im gathering that at this point in my life. I’m attracted to my friends, just not in a romantic or sexual way. I’m attracted to them in a way that makes me want to express my love for them by spending time with them and talking about my interests and whatnot. My attraction makes me want friendship, not romance.

All it is is that my brain chemistry is different than other people’s and we use different labels to discern these feelings. Some people get romantic crushes, while others just get platonic “crushes” (I know some people called them “squishes” for a time or maybe still do). Some people desire exclusive romantic relationships while others just need a friend they can be affectionate with or in a different type of semi-romantic relationship with. We all love differently (and some of us dont even love at all; shout out to loveless aros) and that’s okay. The spectrum of attraction tells us that the way we experience attraction isn’t wrong. Platonic attraction is just something that took me a longer time to grasp.

#fable’s stuff #aromantic #aro #aroace #platonic attraction #attraction #lgbtq #lgbt #lgbtqia #aromantic spectrum #asexual #queer platonic relationship

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altschmerzes · 7 months

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This is a super personal question so I completely understand if you choose to ignore it but I was wondering about your experience with the whole aro ace thing.? I just, I'm having some questioning confusing thoughts about things and there's such a wide range of things out there when you google I just feel like everytime I get close to being close to someone I panic and want to run because the idea of it isn't what I feel like its suppose to be. I don't know, I just feel kinda broken.

hey bud, sorry this took me a minute to get to, i had a pretty packed day. anyways, i'm gonna do my best to respond and hope i have something useful to say!! i'm always willing and happy to talk about this stuff, i know how hard it can be to muddle through and how unhelpful a lot of stuff out there can be. i'm gonna talk generally about my experience being and especially figuring out i was aro (and ace, i suppose, because while i don't really use the word 'asexual' anymore to define myself because people tended to ignore the aro part and focus on the ace part when the aro part was the part that i felt was more directly relevant to my life anyway, more important to my identity and understanding of myself + others, it like. it would still be accurate to describe me as aroace, i think!) and how i figured that out and some things i hope might be helpful. (this ended up being very long, lmao, sorry)

also - the first and most important thing is you aren't broken. no matter what the reason is you're feeling like this, you aren't Broken for not being comfortable with certain types of relationships or expectations. there's nothing wrong with that, and i'm so sorry you feel that way. i felt like that for a long time myself, and sometimes i still do, and it's terrible.

i don't really remember a lot about how i figured out i was asexual, back when that was a term i regularly and actively identified with. i remember that i freaked out at first, like. panicked about it, wholesale, and i could only really get myself to calm down about it when i reminded myself over and over that i was still 'normal' that i could 'still date and love and have relationships'. which is obviously an arophobic way to present asexuality, and was a huge warning sign of the massive internalized arophobia i was dealing with. it took me a WHILE to accept i even might be aromantic, never mind start identifying that way.

after i concluded that i was aro, it didn't really... get easier, not right away. not for a while, actually. when i first directly identified to myself that 'i am aromantic' i had an epic freak-out that outshone the way i freaked out at my (then) asexual identity by a hundred-fold. i'm talking i literally for over a week afterwards had regular, as in several times daily, panic attacks about it. given my family situation and the way society as a whole portrays and expects friendships to be temporary, situational things that fade as people 'grow up' and get 'real' relationships, i always saw romantic relationships as my only chance for actual love and the ability to build a safe and loving family. i was petrified of being alone and unloved, and that something was deeply wrong with me or missing from me for being unable to love the 'correct' way.

(obviously, this is bullshit. dominant western us american society and the narratives we're exposed to through it are... wrong. i am a person who feels a lot of love very deeply and profoundly, for the people in my life and the world at large, and i am in turn deeply and profoundly loved by the friends that have come to form my support system. i'm getting married in may, to someone with whom i have a completely platonic relationship, and relationship is one that is loving and intimate and happy and exactly what we want it to be.)

i really, really relate to what you say about how every time you get close to 'getting close to' someone you panic and want to run because that's exactly what i did - provided by 'getting close to' there you mean like, in a way that has the potential/likelihood to turn romantic and/or sexual. i always really wanted to be close to people, see above, but it always felt like i was going to have to accept that the only way to get that was to be with them romantically or sexually, and so that's what i figured i wanted whenever i felt warmly towards someone or wanted to be physically or emotionally closer to them.

when i hit high school, that was the point at which it seemed... weird that i wasn't dating and wasn't dating and wasn't dating while it seemed like everyone else was and people were getting Weird about me not dating. and so i dated. or.......... tried to. two or three times, i tried to date, with people i thought were genuinely lovely and fun to be around who i wanted to know better and wanted to develop more emotional and physical intimacy with. (i'm a physically affectionate person, and this is important to me. this was another reason that i was upset about identifying as aro - it felt like things like frequent hugs aside from brief squeezes with friends leaving events or something, cuddling, etc, most if not all types of physical intimacy were just. lost to me. which is also not the case! it's all about the specific boundaries and comfort levels in individual relationships, not the nature of those relationships. for instance, i have a very hard time sleeping lately because once i spent time sleeping in the same bed as my fiancee, i just. never want to go back to sleeping alone. and that's something i never thought i'd get to experience, but i have, and it's wonderful.)

returning to the point, these attempts at dating did Not Work. as soon as it became about dating, about romance or attempting to enter a romantic relationship, my entire Self revolted at the idea. i felt physically nauseated even just thinking about the person i was trying to date, and in one notable case with a very sweet boy in my high school freshman class when i was 14/15, we went on a few dates and do a dance together, and then the bad feelings and panic and revulsion built up in me until i sent him a frantic text essentially going I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE LEAVE ME ALONE and avoided him at school to such an extent that if i saw him in the hall i'd walk the other way. i did Not handle that well, as we can see. he was a good, lovely person, and he didn't deserve that. i actually looked him up on facebook a few years later and sent a message explaining and apologizing, and he was very sweet about it, no hard feelings, and we wished each other well.

so yeah, turned out i was aromantic, and accepting that was a huge step into no longer trying to force myself into things i didn't want and never wanted, with anyone, ever. (this goes for asexual too, since you mentioned aro and ace, which again is a like. Accurate Term for me but not one i use actively a lot anymore.)

additionally, the older i got the more annoyed and repulsed i felt by romance in fiction. fandom was a huge part of my life in my teens (and now!) and fictional narratives have always been monumentally important to me. they're how i've communicated my feelings and experiences, understood myself and others, and found meaning - and also just something i found very fun. fiction and fandom in particular also have increasingly drove me out of my fucking mind with the extreme, overwhelming emphasis on romance often to the exclusion and degradation of all else. it started out confusing and irritating me, and got to the point of being actively triggering for me. i joke sometimes that recently i've become more romance repulsed by the day, but it's true.

also, and i know this is a common one for people who are ace or aro or both - one of the bigger barriers to my choosing to identify as aromantic (and asexual, when that was relevant), outside of internalized arophobia and my fears associated with it, was the question of 'well, how do i know for sure.' it's hard to prove a negative, you know? what if i was wrong? what if i just hadn't met the right person yet? what if it changed? and it took me a while to reach this point but where i'm at now is like. well, maybe! so what if i am wrong? so what if i do meet someone later in life that i end up attracted to? that doesn't make anything about my current life wrong or untrue, and it's no guarantee. the identity label of aromantic has brought me more comfort and understanding and joy in who i am and where i fit in the world than i can express. so i'm going to identify this way, loudly and proudly, and if that changes later on, which it might but i frankly doubt it, i will never regret the time i've spent as aromantic and in the aromantic community.

this was a particularly helpful post when i was sorting things out at first. i don't know if there's anything useful to you on there, but it was a help to me.

i guess mainly it's just. that's how i sorted through things, i suppose, and as for you - how do you feel? what do you want? if you don't want to engage in sex or romance, you don't have to. period. ever. you have the automatic right to a permanent and unquestioned disengagement with sexual or romantic relationships if you do not want to have one. and if you panic when you try to engage in that sort of relationship, then maybe that's something you should listen to! i know that it was for me, it was a very clear message that i Did Not Want to do what i was trying to make myself do because i thought i had to do it. if you don't want that, you don't have to engage in it. period. ever. and there's nothing wrong with you if you don't want to or choose not to, either.

#gav gab #gav answers #aro blogging #and talking about asexuality i suppose but i don't have a tag for that #anyways. for real. if you ever wanna chat #you or anyone else #my door is always wide wide open

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nhasablogg · 6 months

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Hi, sorry this is not a tickle related question and please feel absolutely free not to answer since it’s a bit personal.

How did you realise that you were asexual?

I’m struggling with my identity and sometimes I think I am since I don’t really feel comfortable with, yk, *doing it* with other people, but I still feel sexual drive sometimes, so I was wondering how do you experience your asexuality.

Ad I said feel absolutely free not to answer and I apologise if you have already talked about this

Sending love 💕

Hi! For me it was always really apparent that I don't have the same type of attraction toward others like the people around me seem to do, especially when we were in our teens and everyone started dating/sleeping around/getting into relationships. I put myself in very uncomfortable situations I didn't want to be in because I felt it was expected of me. I of course can find people visually appealing, but it's very very rare that I feel any type of like... pull toward others? Like I've had crushes (like 15 years ago lmao), but it's never in the sense that "I want this person to kiss me" etc. Honestly as I got older and realized I'm also queer in other ways I wondered if that would explain it, but I still don't really feel what I think others feel toward any gender. Sometimes I wonder if I'm also aro, but I want love too much to fully decide that right now. I've never BEEN in love, but I think the bad situations I ended up in in my teens have made me very wary of romanting (and sexual) attention and I've only recently started trying to date at 28.

This part is TMI and talks about masturbation, minors and people who don't want to know too much about me turn away

But that isn't to say I don't get, you know, horny and whatnot. I will protect my, uh, toys with my life lmaaoooo but I very very VERY rarely fantasize that it's someone else I'm being intimate with. In fact, thinking about it too much makes me VERY uncomfortable. I'm letting go of some old fears though now that I'm older and much more secure in my boundaries and feelings, but the fact that I've been terrified of dating up until now because of the whole societal expectations around sex says a lot to me. Even though people can be scared of sex and not be asexual, I can just feel it because it's not an important part of my life or anything I crave and has instead played a big part in my life as something that's making it quite difficult instead of being something fun and pleasurable. I can 100% understand why people like it, but it's just not important to ME even though I obviously enjoy masturbation.

Tldr I just always knew this about me even though I couldn't put it into words until about 10 years ago. I think many people are picky about their sexual partners too and need to have a connection in order to sleep with others and that they're confusing that experience with mine when I try to tell them, but my end goal is never to sleep with anyone, while for them that is their end goal and a part of their relationships, from what I've understood. But tbh just like my gender it's hard for me to put it in words and as long as I understand what's going on I'm fine with it

#ask #asexuality #tmi #hope this made any sense idk

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kygerbearr · 3 months

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what i've decided to do for this valentines day is to invite my only asexual friend who i care about very much to play video games. its basically just a normal hangout session and I am explicitly not treating it like a date because it isnt. (do not hang out with someone and pretend its a date if they did not agree to a date)

what I hope to do is essentially just create an environment and opportunity where if there is anything at all between us, it is the perfect opportunity to lay it out on the table. it is a fully take it or leave it scenario. it is not a date unless they decide they want it to be. assuming nothing at all happens I will promptly move on with my life and we will keep being nothing but friends

this is my only solution to A) how much of a coward I am, and B) how much of a coward they are. we've both talked about how we're both cowards in most aspects of life, have some amount of interest in finding a partner but don't want to bother with the process of dating. this is probably the biggest opportunity for either of us to act on that, but i'm obviously not comfortable making the first step since I don't want to put them in a situation where they'll be uncomfortable and they know that I've gone on record saying that I don't really like gender roles and don't want to be expected to make the first step just because i'm masc

if they think anything of me that's more than just friends, this is the only opportunity where all of the circumstances come together for the perfect scenario, so that's how I know they'll either act on it or don't have any kind of feelings like that towards me at all, and that'll essentially round out the closure that I've been seeking for a few years now.

truthfully, I really don't expect anything. we both have talked about how neither of us really find the appeal in what comes with a relationship, or if we'd do anything different, or if it's worth it at all. part of me thinks that just, acknowledging that we think of each other a certain way would be enough for either of us. I don't know though because they have mentioned being aro but not sure they're fully ace, and i really don't think i'm comfortable being sexually involved with anyone i care that much about (aside from just the lack of interest in participating in sex in general)

i dunno. this is just the least harmful scenario i could think of creating on the offchance that there actually is something between us, but i feel extra cowardly for not being able to commit to the action, creating excuses and even thinking about lies in order to back out of it, even if it is all in an effort to avoid causing her any trouble. it makes me feel dumb. it makes me feel stupid. i don't even know what to even CALL how i feel towards her. it's not any description of love that I've heard before, i'm not obsessed and she's not on my mind 24/7, but if I had to pick a person I care about the most and would do (almost) anything for, it would be her. so obviously that's too much for me to ignore and this is the only compromise that fits the criteria of being harmless enough while still allowing it to play out.

the more i think about it the more i feel stupid and annoyed with myself so i'm cutting this post off here. not like it will make a difference when 2/15 rolls around because that door will be closing forever so I ensure I don't waste any more energy. i'll just get a gay furry boyfriend and call it a day. i think i'll also feel a lot more comfortable being friends with her once I drop the guilt of fathoming a reality where we're anything more than that so realistically tomorrow will go great either way and we'll all be able to move on, i just needed to get it off my chest so i can actually sleep tonight

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potatopossums · 1 year

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partnered aro here.

i have been having some thoughts about what it's like to be in a relationship, even if it's difficult to label what type of relationship it is (romantic, queerplatonic, alterous, etc.). I've also been having some thoughts about my queer identity in regards to how my aromanticism affects my lesbianism and vice versa, and their relationship to gender. it's probably worth a larger post, but if anyone is curious or has comments to add about their experiences, please feel free to ask/comment/reblog/direct message.

incompletely, things I've learned so far whilst in a partnership:

Sex is cool to think about but not so much fun in practice..... irl, it can be absolutely fabulous; it can also be alright; it can also be a little boring and uncomfortable. the best part is, i don't have to do it if i don't feel like it. that's pretty cool. who cares if my medication is lowering my libido (and who cares if my meds aren't the problem, and I'm just a sex-favorable/neutral ace).

Sex usually consists of me pleasuring my partner and jerking myself off afterward, and I'm okay with that...... it's not always one-sided giving (and if you honestly think that giving to your partner is one-sided by default, as if you're suffering through the giving and waiting painfully for your turn, you really need to reevaluate how you're doing sex, because I'm sitting there enjoying watching my partner, exploring her body, listening to her breathing, reacting to her movements, and all of that is very enjoyable for me while I'm giving. orgasm is not the end all be all of sex). plus, i don't tend to receive orgasms because i have vaginismus, which doesn't allow others to penetrate me. i can penetrate myself and achieve orgasm when I'm controlling everything, but it is uncomfortable and painful still for others to control penetration, which is required for my orgasm. that said, i also receive external, non-penetrative touch and stimulation (such as receiving head: wowie 😵‍💫🥵). for where i am, I'm comfortable with things, and that's great.

Sex with myself is so good..... my brain has always been really good at thinking up fun scenarios that excite and turn me on. i know exactly what images push me to orgasm. i like orgasming. thanks to my medications, the orgasms aren't as strong, but i know what time of day to masturbate so that i actually can orgasm. i don't always masturbate nowadays, but when I do, it's a really lovely self care moment, and i wish masturbation was talked about that way more often. it's not for everyone, but I've definitely heard masturbation referred to as anything from "something lonely, loser singles do" to "not nearly as good as being with someone" and i honestly beg to differ on both of those. masturbating is not an indicator of loneliness or inadequacy, and it's not some second-rate pleasure in comparison to sex with a partner. masturbation is its own action, its own thing, and it has no moral or status implications. i love doing it, and i always have, and i love doing it alone.

I get the most out of sex when it's framed as a sensual experience, rather than a sexual one..... like ok, I'm not the best at figuring out the difference between sexual versus sensual, but I'm mostly interested in what feels good. if the only thing that separates them is genital touch or sexual arousal, then fine. but sometimes non-sexual touch arouses me sexually! so, in my mind, what is the point of separating them, i ask! if sex feels good, then it was a good sensual experience. if you're not paying attention to how things feel regarding your five (5) senses during sex, I'm not sure what else you're paying attention to? i mean, no shade to paying attention to other things that don't fit in the senses category, and no shame to people who categorize these experiences differently. those experiences and perspectives are valuable and wonderful! for me, it's just all sensual, even if it's sexual too. sexual gratification, for me, is in a sensual category (and also a mental one, but usually my mental additions to sexual experiences are visual in nature, such as picturing a scene/location or a fictional character).

this is all i have for now, but if i think of more things, I'll reblog and add more to this list.

as always, i welcome discussion on these topics, as it is so important for our community to share and connect over similar and differing experiences! celebrating these things about ourselves is essential to our pride, and we deserve to be ourselves fully and openly.

#aromantic #queer #alterous #personal #queerplatonic #gynephile #aromantic lesbian #agender lesbian #friendship #asexual #agender

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gay-otlc · 11 months

Note

15!

Label journey: More detailed edition

Orientation

I'm a straight girl definitely 100%. Sure I stare at boobs but that doesn't mean anything.

Okay maybe it means something that I stare at boobs

Questioning. For a lot of months

Okay I still don't know what I am but I'm definitely LGBTQ

I'm at the pool and I'm checking out all the women and not at all interested in men. Definitely a lesbian.

Briefly consider whether I'm attracted to nonbinary people, think I'm maybe polysexual for a little bit before going back to lesbian.

Lesbian and also polyamorous because I want to kiss multiple women (women are hot)

I realize that I'm extremely uncomfortable at the thought of having sex with anyone and start identifying as an ace lesbian (spoiler alert: it's the bottom dysphoria)

I have a couple of very nsfw fantasies and realize I'm not as asexual as I thought. Grey-ace? Aceflux?

Nope okay I'm an allo lesbian.

I briefly consider that I'm on the aromantic spectrum, but then I just forget about it somehow.

A year later, I have aro crisis part two electric boogaloo.

I figure out I am definitely on the aro spectrum.

I figure out I am entirely, 100% aro.

Okay shit I always thought I was a lesbian but now the label makes me kind of dysphoric and I kind of get euphoria from being a straight guy??

Straight lesbian!

Nah, lesbian is still very dysphoria inducing.

I am once again straight, this time in the opposite direction. Also aro.

Gender

I'm a cis girl definitely 100%. Sure I want a dick but that doesn't mean anything.

My friend comes out as nonbinary and I realize "holy shit, I can do that."

I am questioning for about six months while trying very hard to not be questioning. I'm definitely totally a cis girl I swear.

Okay, maybe I'm not a cis girl. I don't want to be entirely not-a-girl though? I'm just uncomfortable with that being my entire gender. (I do not, at the time, know that being multigender is a thing).

Girlflux- my dysphoria and level of comfort with being a girl fluctuates.

I start experimenting with neopronouns in addition to she/her.

Girlflux doesn't entirely fit anymore- I always sometimes feel masc. Genderfluid, then.

Hmm. I'm not sure if my gender changes. I never really know what it is.

I like genderqueer. It's vague.

I want to use he/him pronouns but I don't let myself admit that. I stop using she/her pronouns.

I realize I get a lot of euphoria from thinking of myself as both a man and a woman, and dysphoria from thinking of myself as only one gender. I start experimenting with the multigender label and I like it a lot.

I use all pronouns at school, but people only ever call me she/her. Very occasionally they/them. I don't like being called they/them very much. I wish I got called he/him more often (at all).

I change my pronouns to he/she.

Am I bigender or am I a binary trans man?????

I'm a bigender trans man.

I'm bigender, and one of the genders is binary male, and one of the genders is... woman but not exactly. I'm not entirely sure what to label it, but genderqueer and butch both work.

#gender shit #pride ask game #that's a lot. still not as much as yours and this takes place over years and years

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canichangemyblogname · 3 months

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Before coming to understand my own dysphoria, I believed I was aro/ace. (While simultaneously knowing I wasn't. I know, it's confusing. I was, in fact, confused.) And I-- of course-- ran into the phenomenon of people not taking that identity at face value. I was "commitment-phobic," or I hadn't "really" experimented or put myself out there; anything, really, to suggest that I didn't know myself well and know well enough that I did not want a romantic or sexual relationship.

Hell, I had one guy tell me I was "too pretty" not to "experience sexual desire" (asexuality is not-- never mind) or want romance, and if that's not incredibly creepy and misogynistic--

I also remember a woman and college peer telling me that I dressed too feminine to be asexual. And that was-- confusing. Asexual people don't have a "look."

Now that I finally understand my dysphoria and have opened myself up to exploring my gender, I have also begun to slowly get comfortable with my own sexuality, which I have long suppressed. I'm not yet completely comfortable with expressing my sexuality because I do not feel completely secure in my gender yet. This is all still quite new to me. Dysphoria also makes intimacy very difficult. I am also so afraid that my sexuality will not be respected because society does not see me for who I am.

But now I am experiencing the exact opposite of what I did when I believed I was cis. I express hesitancy, and people are quick to jump to, "Are you sure you're not aro/ace?" (I am sure. I am very much sure.) Whereas before, whenever I expressed hesitancy, people told me it was because I just hadn't met the right person yet. (Also, the hesitancy I'm expressing now isn't indicative of confusion about my sexuality. It's stuff like, "I don't really think I'm in the right headspace for a relationship," or "I'm not sure I'm far enough in my personal journey to feel at home in a relationship and comfortable with that kind of intimacy" or "I'm kinda depressed right now, and I'd really like to try and get out of this rut.")

When I believed I was cis and was trying to be a fem-presenting woman, it was a lot of, "Are you sure you're not just straight?" Now that I am finally willing to admit to myself that I am gay for men, I get a lot of, "Are you sure you're not aro/ace? Maybe sex repulsed?" It reveals people's discomfort with a gender-conforming woman not having a socially acceptable sexuality. It also reveals people's discomfort with trans people having a sexuality that includes sexual desire. It's homophobic. It's aphobic. It's transphobic. It was misogynistic.

#gender journey #I don't like men in a straight way #and I don't expect you to understand that #I just want you to let me be #and let me be me

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