#and my mom isn’t necessarily mentally stable | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thekinkpopstandsforkillme · 3 years

Note

It’s been 109 days days since I asked hehe do you by any chance have the pairing written up yet? I’d love to finally be able to start your work..💕

Not gonna lie... I forgot this wasn't being posted... I really thought I had already posted it...

ANYWAY, part 1 of 5!!

This is being viewed as dom v sub relationships between them, so this is implied 18+ i guess???

chan/minho

* chan is minho's baby!!!! Minho caregiver 100%!!!!

* Chan needs someone to take care of him bc he gives and gives and gives bc he doesn't know how to Not Do That or Stop Doing That

* so Minho gently turns that into Chan being able to Let Go for a second, to Breathe.

* Minho makes sure Smexy Nights focus on chan recuperating and not having to deal with the responsibility of seven other lives

* but also, let's be honest!!! sometimes. things switch up. bc minho is Wine Mom of the group and deals with the Secondary Issues and things get hard!!!

* even then, tho... minho is still hyper aware of chan and tries to make it easier for him

* but yeah. minho absolutely just. takes away everything for chan. and chan loves him so fucking much

* i feel like their dynamic is very push and pull. stable in the way that they are each others rocks but fluid in the way the waves change and bend and fold.

chan/changbin

* changbin needs a good cry sometimes, ya know?? and chan gotta hug n smooch things better 🤷‍♀️ i don't make the rules, i just enforce them idk what to tell you

* chan has to be rougher with him tho. Like. Love wise.

* not necessarily rougher sex wise but definitely rougher love wise

* bc like. changbin is going to Need That Type of Reassurance.

* changbin is def the type of person (at least w chan) that can't always have the soft words

* chan: LISTEN!! TO ME!! 🗣🗣🗣 YOU ARE L O V E D AND B E A U T I F U L AND YOU DESERVE TO E A T AND STAY H E A L T H Y AND IF I HAVE TO BEAT UP YOUR BRAIN IN ORDER TO LOVE YOURSELF THEN I W I L L

* changbin, as his lizard brain activates: oh yes plz brain being dumb need hold

* i feel like their roles really don't flip

* changbin is very much in need of someone to take care of him in the way chan can and they love each other so v v much

* i definitely feel like chan would be more inclined to give his thoughts to changbin without sugar coating things and i think that's super important in their dynamic and it leads into their bedroom life as chan forces changbin to continuously communicate with him

chan/hyunjin

* okay listen. It changes. Hyunjin is too used to bouncing around in order for their dynamic not to as well

* in the way of: chan is still the dom whether he is top or bottom, but their positions change

* bc hyunjin needs control sometimes and je finds it in topping and feeling like he has the power in the situation without actually having the power.

* he's so afraid of it, of himself, and he and chan are working on it, but still

* it's hard.

* but also. Sometimes. Hyunjin just needs chan to wrap him in his arms and squeeze him and help him forget the rest of the world.

* chan is willing to give and give and give until there’s nothing left of himself, but he’s also willing to take and take and take until hyunjin doesn’t think life hurts as much

chan/jisung

* they're soft. so soft.

* and giggly.

* and touchy.

* neither of them would be able to take anything seriously. grinning like fucking idiots while their teeth bump, which only serves to make them laugh harder.

* chan would be the top (and dom), but if jisung is feeling spicy, who is chan to deny him?

* and jisung wouldn’t be able to let go of chan. they’d be touching c o n s t a n t l y. and chan 100% indulges him at any moment

* even so, jisung is Tired Constantly^tm, so he Does Not Do Work Ever^tm

* but he likes being babied :((( let him be babied :((((

* i just feel like it would be fun, ya know??? like they’re best fucking friends above all and they’re cute and in love and they just wanna make e/o happy

* and chan would be super good about making sure both their sex life and their non-sex life stay healthy

* by that, i mean: he would be super careful not to diminish his sexual relationship with jisung to a reward system attached to his mental health

* he'd be super careful that jisung doesn't think they're only having sex bc he isn't feeling well or bc he's feeling better and that he's undesirable when he's not feeling well

* and i think that's super important in all relationships but especially in a relationship like theirs (esp bc i think jisung has really bad rejection sensitive dysphoria)

chan/felix

* baby duckling imprints on mommy duck energy

* like felix does a little !!!!🥺!!!!!

* have you seen fruits basket??? where haruhi is watching over kagura??? and kagura just [is baby] and haruhi just [drops everything!! squeals, hugs, dotes!!]

* yeah that’s them

* felix: [says a single word]; chan: holy shit take my soul just- just take it, no don’t worry about it, here take my wallet too oh my gosh you want food??? i’ve got some in my backpack.

* chan = soft dom, felix = the babiest. like. THE babiest.

* and don't get me wrong-- i'm not trying to infantalize anyone in any situation, i just feel like this is the type of person felix is. he needs constant reassurance and physical affection and blatant, direct acknowledgements to understand that he is enough and doing well

* with this in mind, felix 100% wants to be called good and sweet and pretty and loved!!!

* and chan is INDULGENT. AS HE SHOULD BE.

* and the aftercare??? a straight fucking HOUR of chan holding felix n rocking them back and forth and promising felix that He Is The Best Ever

chan/seungmin

* okay, well, i have a l w a y s headcannoned seungmin as ace

* (shut the fuck up I'm not projecting, you're projecting.)

* despite that, nonsexually, seungmin= biggest bottom ever

* chan= biggest service dom ever.

* that man is wrapped around seungmin's fingerrrrr

* seungmin wants him to walk away from dinner???? Done. Bring him apple slices in bed???? Absolutely. Carry him through the house For No Reason??? Bitch you KNOW it.

* even so. Seungmin is too Good to (truly) abuse the power he holds despite knowing chan would walk to the ends of the earth for him

* so chan tries!!!! But seungmin says 🙅‍♀️ and chan says 🥺 and seungmin goes hhhhhhhhhh okay but just this once!!!! bc he is Weak As Well

* all this to say, i think they have a very give and take relationship

* and neither of them want to take bc they're scared so they keep giving and giving and giving

* and idk maybe sometimes those clashing personalities start a fight, but they work it out in the end and try to do better, to take as much as they give, to realize that it isn't selfish, isn't bad, to let the other take care of them.

chan/jeongin

* jeongin brat. try to tell me otherwise. SIKE! YOU C A N ' T!

* but in the way where chan goes "!! Take care of yourself!!" and jeongin goes "😂 that's cute that you think I'll listen to you 💕 make me."

* spoiler alert: chan does.

* sometimes, ya gotta pin your s/o down and get them to drink water and eat and love themself.

* it's kinda like holding a cat that likes being held but makes you fight for it (in a healthy and non-oppressive way)

* but you'll "fight" them for it bc you love them!! and you'd do anything for them!!

* and you know that they only fight you bc they feel like no one ever put them first in their life so they know if they make you work for it and you DO stay and keep trying, it means you actually do love and value them

* and that's on trauma 😎

* so yeah. Chan will take the challenge. Bc he loves his traumatized s/o

* and i think that's super important as well, recognizing your partner's trauma and taking it into account without diminishing them solely to their trauma

* and chan does a good job of that both in and out of their bedroom

#stray kids #skz #doodlebugrambles #chan #jisung #felix #minho #changbin #seungmin #jeongin #hyunjin #ask #faceless #part 1 #1 of 5

41 notes · View notes

mooglesorts · 3 years

Text

man. it's weird, because there's a lot of things about me that are Very Badger Primary, to the point where i would probably pick it with a strong bird model over anything else at this point... except that i hate dehumanization. i saw primaries described recently as 'things you wouldn't be you anymore if you went against,' and more than just about anything else that's it. even when i think people are monsters, i can't see them as not human; i'd be hard put to define exactly what i consider a 'monster,' but it's more about like. good faith than personhood, i suppose?

it's not necessarily a permanent status to be one--people can change--but my deeply held instinct is that once you have done something monstrous you will always be a person who has been a monster by your own choices, and that it's your duty to learn how to accept that while still living your life, and act accordingly from thereon out. you have to reconcile that you are a person with the fact that some doors are closed to you now, and it's up to you to decide what you do from there.

just. like. even when i hate someone and as far as i'm concerned they can go fuck themself, even in the multiple Heavily Badger social environments i've been in over the course of my life--church, progressive circles, the way the structure of the internet kind of just affects you in general--even on occasions where i've gotten swept away and given in to the pressure to dehumanize (or perform it) for a minute, there's always, always been a voice in the back of my head saying this is a person. this is a person. this is a person. this isn't right.

unintentional dehumanization sets off my '...should we really be doing this? we are getting into not good territory here, it's time to pull up and start questioning' alarms. explicit, intentional, purposeful dehumanization sets off the whole ass tornado sirens. if people on my side are doing it it's enough to throw me into a system-destabilizing crisis, because NO NO NO I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE, I WANT NO PART OF THESE PEOPLE'S MORAL SYSTEM, I FEEL UNCLEAN. it's a good way to make sure i will never, ever, ever trust someone again.

things that are Really Really Badger, off the top of my head (after the cut because Long and trauma talk):

[[MORE]]

---

-i've always loved playing adoptable games, pet simulators, etc? any game with randomly generated characters that are Yours Now and a Community, in a deeply badgery way. including games where they can die (the satisfying part is making sure they don't). except that, no matter how much fun the gameplay is, if it gets to the point where they start feeling disposable, and the only way to really keep playing is to stop humanizing them, i lose interest. it's super fucking depressing. it feels like part of me dying inside a little. i don't like it at all.

-i've always been drawn to fandoms and roleplaying communities. i was fiercely loyal to, and proud of, my first rp community on dragoncave as a 13-year-old. when my abusive mom found out about it and completely isolated me for half a year, the promise of being able to make it back to them--just sneakier this time--kept me going; when i finally got back and the group had drifted apart in my absence, it.... was absolutely devastating. i never really recovered from it. even then, i spent years trying to get the group back together every now and then, until i finally gave up.

-i am always keenly, painfully aware of the life cycle of a community. every time i hear the sentiment 'you guys are all great and i love this group' my stomach drops, because i know it's only a matter of time before things go sour or the group dissolves. rp groups, skype chats/discord servers, fandoms, you name it, i am always bracing myself or staying away entirely to avoid the inevitable and it hurts. and it hurts to see people taking part in a community i don't dare be part of, which makes lurking in fandoms... really rough. frankly, it takes me a lot of courage every time i express my appreciation for the shc community because i've been burned so many times.

-on that note: i went through some really traumatic stuff at the end of 2020 that completely turned my life upside down, and i was doing bad until i stumbled across the shc community. the moment i started engaging, it was a huge boost to my mental health, and my ability to cope with circumstances under which i was about to break down spectacularly. and it has been ever since! contributing to The Group Project and seeing other folks being friendly with each other gives me the happy feelings.

-i used to go out of my way to build and run spaces, mainly fandom and rp spaces, and took a lot of pride in engineering them so that they Functioned Well. unfortunately it wore me the hell down over the years for Burnt Badger Reasons, and now i'm too jaded, bitter, and exhausted to give a shit about being a mod/community leader anymore because of it lmao

-among those burnt badger things i relate HARD to the Red Ledger narrative. hoo boy.

-i wish i could find it again, but there was an mlp comic i saw once which went into luna's observations of what each element of harmony Means. with the element of friendship, she says that twilight has a massive amount of love to give; right now it's all focused on celestia, but when she learns to expand it outward she'll have grown into her full potential as a person, and she'll change the world. that struck a chord with how i used to feel, hard, and it's really stuck with me ever since. (hello, unhealthy snake model)

-emphasis on 'used to feel,' lmao

-got super invested in a really toxic '''mental health''' community at a low point in my life; exploded HARD trying to help everyone i could; got into vicious, protracted fights with the shitty mods for years about the harmful way they ran their community until i finally managed to go 'fuck this it's not getting better' and leave.

-had to numb myself emotionally to the people around me for a long time once i really started learning about mental health and trauma stuff, because now i was seeing signs of their pain and baggage everywhere i looked, and i couldn't handle not being able to help.

-the imagery with which i think about my bird primary is overwhelmingly negative. whether it's my actual primary or a model, i uh. i feel like a healthy relationship to one's primary doesn't involve associating it with gore.

-i saw a conversation recently about how birds think of morality in terms of 'if you can, you should,' and how that's scary for badgers because their definition of 'can' involves destroying yourself for the sake of that 'should,' and... yeah, that's a mood. that's a BIG mood. thinking about bird primary stuff is hard--and i had to pick up my lion model to deal with it--because it's so easy for me to spiral into a self-shredding spiral of other people are counting on you to do the right thing, how dare you pull back for your own health and sanity. how dare you turn your back for even a minute. how dare you rest. the work is never done.

which is... a very exploded badger approach to exploded bird morality. whoops.

-fix-it and time travel fiction in which Everything Went Right This Time and It's Going to Be Okay are one of my very favorite self-indulgent fantasies. i will enjoy putting characters through the wringer in all kinds of creatively horrific ways which may or may not end on a downer note, certainly, i love that shit, but i will also 90% of the time have a backup version of the arc or dynamic that's softer and lighter and Actually Healthy This Time. it's the dichotomy there that really gets me tbh, a story where Everything Ends Happily by default will mmmaybe pull me in? but stories where there's the constant shadow of this could end horribly, it's supposed to end horribly, and we got a happy fucking ending anyway are just... that shit will make me cry, man.

it's also why i kind of really hate stable time loop stories where it initially looks like this is going to be The Good Timeline this time around, but OOPSIE everything went to shit anyway! we're right back where we started, just like it was meant to be all along! it's a tired cliche by this point and an unsatisfying one for me, and it makes me roll my eyes every time.

-this is relevant to the bird vs. badger because like... my gut instinct is to prioritize people over systems. when shit hits the fan, when someone's fallen into the machinery and is about to get hurt, i don't feel right about it if i just let it happen. i'll break the machinery if i have to to keep it away from them; i won't feel great about that, and it might cause problems, but fuck it, we'll figure it out later. throwing people into the gears of a system when i'm convinced it's the only option makes me feel Awful.

-related to the above, another trope that really speaks to me in fiction is when a character defies the rules of reality through sheer force of will. no, this is not happening, i don't give a shit what the limits are supposed to be. i refuse to let this be the way things are. (there's that lion model.)

-i've just kind of... always wanted to be an Everyone Badger. it makes me sad how much of that i've lost over the years as i've gotten more cynical, but it's what i wish i could be.

---

doubtless i'll think of more the moment i hit send, and there are just as many things about me that are Super Bird Primary, but like... mamma mia that's some spicy badger. the main thing stopping me is the Can't and Refuse to Dehumanize bit. i also... hm. i think i can function okay without a community? they just help a lot, and it sucks when i'm confronted with one i don't have a (stable) place in. any thoughts? is it possible for a bird system's foundation to run so deep that eventually it overrides the bird?

#shc #sortinghatchats #sorting hat chats #badger primary #bird primary #burned badger primary #exploded badger primary #exploded bird primary #burned houses #exploded houses #abuse cw #gore implied cw #moogle hat talks

15 notes · View notes

i-am-my-own-goal · 3 years

Text

TLDR: Just processing. Any feedback is welcome if you are compelled to do so. Updates on my health and housing situation.

I’m really just using tumblr to process things anymore. However, I HAVE started cooking again and M and I have consistently Been going on walks. I’ll throw some pics at the end. I hit 200 on the scale again and haven’t stepped back on it in a month. I’m still struggling with stress eating and restricting and bingeing. All I ate yesterday was a soft pretzel before our 7 mile hike. We accidentally slept through dinner then a work emergency happened and we didn’t get to eat together, so I just didn’t eat. Now it’s 1pm and I’m in that restriction trap of “how long can I push myself” I know I should eat something. Anything. I also know I fall into a fast food trap when I drive back from M’s where I order a buncha food and binge eat before bed. I’m not in a good place mentally and struggling to care about not eating now and binging tonight.

I’m trying to figure out housing still. At this point, I’m angry that M’s mom moved in. I guess I wish she had said no to his offer. I wish he had given me more time to think about him asking his mom to move in. I wish I wasn’t so selfish because I really don’t think there was a better option. I’m angry thst im work from home and need space for an office. I’m annoyed that we use paper files instead of every other agency I worked at that was all electronic. An at house office then would have just consisted of a laptop and a whiteboard ...not a book case full of blank files and blank worksheets and bins upon bins upon bins of open files and closed files and referrals and holds.

I started looking at apartments closer to M because I can get a two bedroom for the price of a one bedroom by my job. But the affordable two bedrooms here aren’t in the best areas. I wanted two rooms csuse of my office. I found an apartment complex that’s in a safe area and also gated, but it’s the same price as by my job.

I’m realizing I don’t necessarily need two bedrooms. I just want to not look at my work stuff all day. I think I could manage with a one bedroom thst has a good size living room and I can put a partition up. Or find some way to hide my work stuff. I was thinking like, a curtain over the book shelf even.

But if I’m now looking at a one bedroom that’s the same price as by my work, is that irresponsible? I wanted to move closer to work to go to schools more often. But now that I’m closer, I’m finding it just as hard to make time to go and it’s because I’m still doing intakes at home. I’ve added an extra step.

Precovid:

1) go to school for an intake, pull attendance, meet with kids

2) go to office , finish intake, call parents of kids who were absent

3) update files

Covid

1) do intakes in the evenings

2) go to schools and pull attendance

3) go home and call parents of all kids

4) update files

Not a huge difference, but it’s a huge time difference. I met with my kids and got attendance because I’d just so happen to be at that school for an intake. Now it takes planning to get my attendance and time to call the parents.

I don’t see myself going to the schools more often than I am now. And summer is approaching.

So, I see M more than to to the schools. Is it irresponsible to then move closer to M? Is it more responsible to stay closer to my job just in case I need to go to a school?

I’d been prioritizing work over M. Now I’m feeling like I want to prioritize M over work. This job isn’t forever. It’s until I finish school. M is hopefully more long term. I’ve been really emotionally off since moving out. Add that his mom lives with him and it’s stressful being at his place. And my place isn’t any better and he can’t sleep over at my house because of my parents religious beliefs. Hence why i just go to him. We get more time together. There’s also more to do here (food, trails, etc). It’s just food where I am. Not many trails, only one free one.

We would alternate weekends if I moved closer to work so I wasn’t always going to him. But...if I’m not going to the schools...why would I be farther away from M? Because I feel obligated to be close to my job. Why? I want to make a good impression. I want to seem like work is all important. But is it? No. I like my boss and the pay. But I don’t like the job itself.

It’s shitty to say and def amplifies how much of a spoiled brat I am, but if for some reason it just didn’t work out, and I couldn’t find a new job up here and lost my job down there and couldn’t afford rent, my parents are still my safety net. I HATE that. But I could break my lease and move back in and start looking again.

But...I feel like that’s an extreme thought. I’d probably be able to find a job. Savings would back me up for a short time and I’d probably qualify for unemployment cause I’d never quit a job without finding a new job first. So I’d only lose mine if they let me go. I’m sure I’d manage rent or figure something out before I got evicted or something crazy.

So...I feel like my best choice is to move closer to M. I love this area because of the natural springs and trails and downtown area. The apartment is pricier but safe and really pretty and I can afford it without putting myself in a bind if there’s an emergency. For now, my job is stable and mostly remote.

I can’t tell the future. But I think There’s enough safety that if my job can’t keep me “post Covid” (if that’s ever a thing) because of the distance or if I don’t want to do that distance daily, I have time to figure out a new job.

I’m gonna put an application for This apartment.

#mental health #mental wellness #dating m

7 notes · View notes

wxldchxld · 3 years

Note

🍎 : how stable is my muse’s mental health? have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and / or conditions? do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and / or conditions? do they or should they attend therapy?

🍇 : how would my muse describe their childhood? how much has it impacted the person they are now, or will become as an adult? around what age did they or will they start to mature, and why? do they wish to go back to their days as a child, or have they embraced adulthood?

🍌 : is my muse inclined to help others, or will they only do it when it benefits them, if at all? what makes them this way? has it ever gotten them into trouble, or inconvenienced them?

🍓 : how is my muse typically seen by others? does it ring true to who they really are? does their reputation matter to them?

🥝 : does my muse have any ‘ unusual ’ habits, interests, and / or talents? do they hide it, or are they proud of it?

🍋 : what kind of diet does my muse have? do they eat regularly, or the standard 2-3 meals a day? do they have to be reminded to eat, or are they likely to remind others? do they cook, or have others cook for them? do they eat healthily, or not so much?

Harper is pretty neurotypical. She does have some childhood trauma relating to her father leaving and her relationship with her mother. Her mom was an active service member and this led to a lot of instability in her childhood.

See Harper's mom and her grandmother weren't on great speaking terms. Her mother never told her father about the pregnancy, and that caused a rift between them before Harper was even born. Her mother also struggled with alcoholism when Harper was younger and while Harper was never abused, her mom did make some very poor decisions and her grandmother wasn't always sympathetic, usually blaming her mom for her bad choices with money, and then getting even angrier when her mom wouldn't accept help even as they were on the verge of financial collapse. This lead to her grandmother calling DHR and some very messy fights that Harper heard.

Harper didn't walk away from her experiences with poverty and family drama unscathed. Her mom did eventually go to rehab, and her grandmother did eventually try to make amends with her before she passed.

This isn't even touching on Harper's attempt to reunite with her father and his rejection of her or her mother's rejection when she came out to her as a lesbian.

So Harper definitely needs therapy, but I don't have enough knowledge to put the name of a specific diagnosis on her other than childhood trauma.

I think she would describe it as pretty average. Not necessarily pleasant all the time, but she figures everyone walks away from their childhood with some kind of problem. She is ok with talking about it, but she isn't really ok with reflecting on it for what it is. Normally when she talks about it she's very detached and purposefully cold.

I think the question about maturity is---not great? Like I could say Harper had to grow up fast and learn to do things on her own because of all the alone time she had---but that's not maturing. Even as an adult, Harper doesn't have a lot of emotional intelligence.

Beck had a lot of alone time as a kid and she has her own issues with trauma, but I do feel like her years in the wild, having her freedom and her happiness, gave her a lot of time to reflect and to grow up emotionally and to kind of decide how she at least wants to try to act.

This is in pure contrast to Harper. Harper's alone time as a kid didn't do anything but cause her more pain. Harper may not love how her mother acts, but it is one of her only models of behavior. She gained the veneer of maturity that comes with learning to suppress your feelings and get your shit done, but she had very little emotional intelligence. This is why she often resorts to yelling and mean comments when she's angry or hurt. And the fact that she essentially learned to never cry and to combat her vulnerability with anger and it helped her get where she is now in life did not help that.

All that being said no. Harper would not like to go back to being a child. She might want to go back to being a teen. At the time she had Beck, her first love, and she also had actual friends that appreciated her and liked her for who she was. That's not something she really gets anymore. Idk if it'd be enough to make her want to go back tho.

🍌 : is my muse inclined to help others, or will they only do it when it benefits them, if at all? what makes them this way? has it ever gotten them into trouble, or inconvenienced them?

Harper is inclined to help when and if it gets her her way and given that the payoff is good enough. She's pretty self centered and apathetic to the general plight of humanity. In Marvel verses she lives in New York at the time of Loki and the most she'll ever say about the invasion was it was an irritating distraction that caused an inconvenient amount of damage to the roads.

She WILL help the people she cares about with no boundaries though. If someone she loves has a problem or a need she will attack it tirelessly and ruthlessly. If they're in danger there is no line she won't cross to protect them. But there are very, very, VERY few people Harper would do this for. And not to sound cliché but currently all of those people are ---- well it's actually just Beck lmao.

The reason she's like this could go back to her childhood and her experience losing her grandmother but I'm honestly not sure it's that deep? Harper is kind of selfish. She dislikes most people and distances herself from them in order to not feel guilty for her selfishness. It's not a great look, but that's the current state she's in for any verse you'll meet her in. Sure this does change in stories where she has time to grow, but never enough to make her a humanitarian.

Also no this doesn't really get her into trouble. She's pretty safe on top of the world.

🍓 : how is my muse typically seen by others? does it ring true to who they really are? does their reputation matter to them?

Most people see Harper as a shrewd business woman and or a downright bitch. I won't lie and say they're totally wrong, but there is a genuine person in there and her flaws are usually exaggerations of the things that are good about her mixed in with her trauma. So yes, they technically see who she really is, but they lack the context to understand her fully. And she both allows and encourages this misunderstanding because it's advantageous to her. It helps her maintain control in the business world but also in the magical one. She employs and is followed by a lot of incredibly dangerous supernatural beings. Literal thousands of vampires, witches, and werewolves do as she bids and submit to her lead in large part because they respect her power. So she kind of has to let people think she's a bitch, but honestly she kind of likes it too. She has taken the label with pride.

🥝 : does my muse have any ‘ unusual ’ habits, interests, and / or talents? do they hide it, or are they proud of it?

She's a necromancer so... Like that's pretty weird right? Specifically her research is focused on creating the perfect vampire in hopes of one day turning herself into a vampire without losing any of her magical abilities or having to be vulnerable to "silly" things like sunlight and garlic.

She also really really likes snakes and reptiles in general.

I think Harper genuinely tries to eat healthy. She doesn't have any like sensory issues with food and while she isn't immune to worrying about weight, also doesn't obsess over it. I mean she doesn't have to because she spends so much time and energy on working she probably couldn't gain a pound if she ate a literal weight. Magic can be very draining, and she very often gets so focused she doesn't eat for hours. Then she feels sick and doesn't want to eat anything and she sure as fuck isn't about to cook.

This was one of the great ways that she and Beck fit together. Beck loved to cook and would drop by the office or the lab with snacks (so long as she didn't have to get near anything dead or nasty) and she always made enough dinner for two even when Harper said she wouldn't be home in time. And Beck eats pretty healthy (usually) so it worked well.

She does have a cook who makes meals for her. She usually takes them for lunch and if she remembers to will take a break and eat. Harper certainly doesn't cook. She thinks it is tedious and all too often has burned something because she was trying to multitask and forgot and nearly set the penthouse on fire.

Her favorite is when she gets the chance to eat with someone else that she likes. She absolutely adores French food and has a go-to place for meet ups.

#bet you weren't expecting a goddamn book lmao #i'm sorry i'm just really excited to talk about harper #bokketo

2 notes · View notes

mydarlingklaus · 4 years

Text

The Confrontation

So this is the second part of my “the merge” drabble which you can find part one here! I highly recommend you read part one first so it makes sense. This is going to be a 3 (or 4) part drabble that I’ve enjoyed writing about and hope you enjoy reading. I’ve already gotten great feedback for it. Leaving reviews on my ff.net account are appreciated. thanks :)

Summary: Aftermath of Klaus finding out that the twins have to merge. This is now the confrontation between Caroline and Lizzie.

(I will die on the hill that Klaus is Lizzie’s dad and no one can tell me shit!)

******************************************

"Mom?"

Caroline instantly lifted her tear-stained face from the palms of her hands to meet Lizzie's worried gaze from across the room. She didn't even realize how fast the school day went and it was already lunch time—nursing a second glass of scotch that had been beside her elbow since morning.

"Hey sweetie." Caroline greeted with a sniffle, wiping away the tears underneath her eyes. "I thought you were studying during your lunch break?"

Lizzie swallowed, taking in her mom's appearance of puffy red eyes and tear coated cheeks.

"Why are you crying?" She wondered.

Despite her distress, Caroline had to push it to the side and seeing her daughter reminded her of that. She still had a school to run and daughters to raise—-chalking up Klaus' absence as a 'time away for work in NOLA' with a quivering fake smile each time they asked. 'Fake it till you make it' was a phrase Caroline knew all too well.

"It's nothing." She brushed off with a hesitant smile.

"Obviously it's something." The braided haired witch challenged.

"What do you want Lizzie? I really don't have time to just talk. I'm very busy." Caroline snapped.

Lizzie scoffed. "Yeah, I can see that." Nodding her head towards the booze. "But fine we can skip the mother/daughter chit chat and cut right to the chase. I want to know why you've been lying to us."

Caroline's eyes grew and lump in her throat jumped at the abrupt—-and accurate—- accusation.

The charade worked, the first day, but Lizzie only grew more persistent. Constantly pestering and pointing out the holes in the fabricated story, mainly Klaus dodging her phone calls—he's never done that since she was able to use a phone.

"I—I don't know what you mean—"

She shook her head. "Don't do that, please don't make an idiot out of me more than you already have!"

"Keep your voice down. School is still in session." Caroline demanded in a hush tone.

The young witch telepathically slammed the door shut behind her, earning a glare from her mother.

"I want to know what happened to Klaus, and I know it was something because he's never ignored my phone calls or texts before. And he definitely never goes back to New Orleans without at least saying goodbye—emergency or not."

Three days.

Three long and antsy days had gone by since she last seen or heard from Klaus. She called all of his siblings but they to not have heard from him either.

Caroline couldn't get that look out of her head. His face full of such disgust and betrayal he could barely suppress his boiling anger—he hadn't looked at her like that since their first days of knowing each other, when he was the enemy and she didn't know what he'd mean to her.

Not that she didn't deserve it, but he didn't even say goodbye before she had to find out on her own when his things were packed and car missing. He was big bad hybrid Klaus, so she wasn't necessarily concerned for his safety, but not knowing where he was and if he was mentally stable caused just as much anxiety.

Caroline gave Alaric an earful for informing Klaus before she had the opportunity to, which only resulted in her feeling worse than she already did. She never expected Klaus to take the news about the merge lightly, but she underestimated how hurt he'd feel. He's feeling as helpless as she now does.

After hundreds of failed calls and texts, the only thing Caroline could do was impatiently wait for this return—whenever that would be. She didn't even know where he was, crying herself to sleep every night. Missing him, yearning and worried about him. Subconsciously reaching over to the cold vacant spot on the bed beside her where his warm body usually lied to embrace her in his arms as they caught slumber together. He was her refugee and security—now he wasn't. Caroline never felt more incomplete and unsafe.

It was driving her crazy not knowing his whereabouts or his well being—she couldn't pretend that the fragility of their relationship wasn't also packing into her anxiety.

Caroline sighed, standing from her office chair. "It's complicated—"

"It always is with you." She muttered.

"Hey!" Caroline sternly pointed her finger. "I don't care how you're feeling or how upset you are, you won't disrespect me."

"You have to give respect to earn it, and lying to me about where Klaus has been when you've seen me going crazy over it isn't exactly role model behavior."

"Lizzie—"

"What happened? Where is he!"

"I don't know!" Caroline blurted.

She felt all she could do in this moment was scream. As if her anxiety wasn't already thriving on Klaus' sudden disappearance her own disgusted wasn't making it better with her accusations.

"I don't know..." Caroline repeated, looking up at her beautiful daughter who's tear-filled eyes matched hers.

Lizzie cautiously approached her mother who was now holding her hand over her mouth to suppress her sobs. She pushed her hair back anxiously, swallowing her nerves while taking a seat and crossing her legs.

"Um, did you and Klaus like break up or something?" She asked, fearing the response.

Caroline shook her head, wiping under her eyes again. "No, nothing like that."

- Right?

Lizzie let out a subtle breath of relief.

"But it is something. Bad enough for him to leave out of nowhere. Please mom." Scooting to the edge of the chair. "What happened between you two?"

The obvious concern in her daughter's voice only worsened Caroline's guilt.

There was no one in this scenario she was more angry with than herself and she hated not having the answers Lizzie wanted, but she was scared. Scared to tell her the truth of why Klaus fled in the first place—possibly losing him was devastating but losing Lizzie or Josie would be soul crushing.

Caroline took a deep breath, leaning against her desk while grabbing both of Lizzie's hands. Her beautiful and smart Lizzie, with so many aspirations and goals for her future. How was she supposed to explain that in just a few years there's a 50/50 chance she won't have one?

"Um, me and Klaus had an argument."

Lizzie's eyebrows scrunched. "But you guys never argue, and if you do it's over dumb stuff like when he wanted to fly me and Josie out to Tokyo for our sweet 16 during a school week."

Caroline sadly laughed, thinking back on all of Klaus' outrageous and ridiculous gestures that made her love him so much.

"Yeah..." She sniffled. "Um, Lizzie there's something I need to tell you and I really wish Josie was here because it's actually something I need to tell both of you."

Lizzie gulped, suddenly feeling a shiver of panic run down her arms as Caroline continued.

"Jo, your birth mother, was a descendant from what is known as the Gemini coven. When you girls were first born I didn't know what that meant or the significance until your fifth birthday when you began developing your magic...that's when your father explained it to me."

"Dad?" Lizzie questioned.

- What did he have to do with it?

Licking her lips nervously, Caroline resumed. "Being apart of this particular coven comes with a price, a curse known as 'the merge', for every new set of twins. When Gemini twins turn 22 years old the merge forces you to participate in a duel against one another to determine who will lead the coven until the next generation. Only one of you is meant to survive..."

The young witch gulped again, as she tried to process what was being told to her. This was impossible information to digest and she felt any second she was going to puke.

"So...what you're saying is that, one of us will have to kill the other?" Lizzie asked, feeling more sick and confused with every burning question popping into her head and how it led to Klaus' departure.

- Did he know about this?

She wondered.

"More like absorb." Caroline clarified. "Whoever is to win the duel would acquire the other's power. That's part of why I was doing so much traveling a few years back, why I was away from home all those long and tortuous months. It was to find a cure or some type of loophole. We were hoping this would be something neither of you would even have to know about, let alone experience."

- What the hell?

Was all Lizzie could think. She felt frozen in the uncomfortable chair, barely listening anymore to her own mother justifying her reason to keep her death sentence a secret her entire life—their lives.

Josie.

How was she supposed to break this down to her sister when she didn't fully understand it herself? Lizzie's entire life felt like a lie. What other secrets were her parents keeping from them?

How did her life take such a drastic turn in a mere of a few minutes? Just yesterday she was brainstorming prom dresses and venue ideas for the dance. Post-graduation plans of going off to New York for college and stressing over if Sebastian would follow her wherever she went. Would their relationship even make it to graduation? Would she live in dorms or pursued Klaus to pitch in for an apartment? Design school or major in literature? She was supposed to be thinking about the beginning of her life, not the ending.

"I know this is a lot to take in at once and you must have a million questions that I'm more than willing to answer." Caroline said, making Lizzie blink—-one, two, three times as she mentally jumped back into the conversation. Her face still blank as the words spewed.

The letters G-U-I-L-T couldn't be bolder on her mother's face if they tried. Her pleading blue eyes and quivering bottom lip did nothing to sway Lizzie from her state of shock.

"You can't imagine how sorry I am we didn't tell you girls sooner, but it's what we felt was best at the time. We wanted to wait until your 18th birthday with the hopes we'd find a solution by then, and you girls would be old enough to understand..."

Lizzie still said nothing.

Caroline squeezed her hand. "Sweetie I know this is scary and overwhelming. Believe me this wasn't easy on me or your father having to keep it from you and your sister, definitely not how we wanted to tell you. It wasn't our intention to lie. This was an impossible decision to make, everyday it killed me that you girls didn't know but...how do you tell your children that there are things you can't protect them from, not even each other?"

One tear fell down each of Lizzie's cheek, unsure if she was more angry or sad—maybe a lot of both. Her life was flipped, disintegrating, literally hanging by a thread and the only person she wanted to console in and seek advice from was MIA.

"You should have told us..." Lizzie finally said, coldly, when she eventually found her voice. Abruptly snatching her hands from Caroline's and placing them in her own lap.

The small—-microscopic—-understanding part of her brain was quickly being dominated by her burning rage.

Her lips quivered as she stood to her feet, stepped outside the chair to increase the distance between them. Seeing Caroline's face dramatically drop made her stomach turn, briefly, then she was reminded why she looked so distraught in the first place.

She shook her head frantically. "You—you should have told us, way before now. Way before you encouraged us to live our abnormal life as greatly as possible. Remember that?"

"Lizzie—"

"Instead of giving me and Josie false hope that we had any chance of getting out of this shit town to do anything we desire, you should've just told us the damn truth!"

"Elizabeth Saltzman!" Caroline stomped her foot powerfully, enough to shake the ground.

Lizzie knew she was crossing the line but her anger piled on top of each other until it became its own monster. But she didn't care about, not anymore.

"I had dreams, real goals for my future mom." Lizzie sobbed. "For the first time in years I felt normal and was genuinely happy. My mental health was managed and I was actually looking forward to living. I was going to leave Mystic Falls, did you know that?!"

Caroline gasped. "Wh-what?"

Lizzie scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Of course you didn't, why would you? But yes I had a whole plan mapped out to leave this place after graduation. Go to school somewhere new. I wanted to stay stateside for now, probably New York with Auntie Rebekah or Los Angeles with Uncle Kol. Just to start a new life, my own, in a big vibrant city where no one knew who I was. Where I wouldn't be the neurotic witch, the bipolar freak, Josie's sister, or Caroline Forbes' daughter...I'd just be me. Attending whatever college I wan and make new real friends and finally live my life!"

Lizzie looked heartbroken, as the hot tears dogged her vision.

Caroline opened and closed her mouth. This was brand new information. It never occurred to her that either of the twins desires to flee the small town they've known as home—-neither ever brought it up. This reminded her a lot of herself at their age, stores she's told them multiple times in disguise of bedtime stories. Which only pained her more that Lizzie didn't think she could confide in her about these incredible dreams.

"You—you never told me about that."

"You never asked." Lizzie fired back, crossing her arms over chest defensively.

Caroline nodded. "You're right, I should've. I've been so invested in so many things lately I allowed them to overrun you and I'm sorry. I should be more involved in your future as well as your present—"

"Is it because you know only one of us would have one?"

Caroline's eyes narrowed offensively.

"Lizzie, of course not. I always had hope we would find something by now and I'm sorry we didn't. I'm sorry this is how you found out and that all of this is happening. You have to know this is the last thing I wanted for either of you." She pleaded, reaching for her daughter who instantly pushed her hand away.

Her chest tightened at the blatant rejection.

17 years, neither of the twins had ever been genuinely angry with Caroline before, besides basic teenage angst. Never were they full blown hateful or disrespectful, not that she blamed her but the justification didn't lessen the pain. The way Lizzie was staring at her, with such disgust and hurt pulsing through her bloodshot blue eyes made Caroline's stomach turn. She was taking the full beating for something initiated by both her and Alaric—-she'll relay the anger towards him later.

It was the same way Klaus looked at her.

Pulling a tissue from her bag Lizzie wiped her nose, biting down on her bottom lip. Growing more enraged by the second as the realization settled in and raised her eyes.

"He didn't know either, did he?"

Caroline licked her dry lips anxiously.

"Answer me." Lizzie demanded through her clenched pearly white teeth, huffing out a puff of air when her mother responded.

"No, he didn't."

Pacing, back and forth, in her corner—pinching her bottom lip between her shaky index finger and thumb Lizzie felt she was at her wits end. Despite her shattered exterior, it was comforting to know Klaus was just as in the dark about the situation.

She was certain she wouldn't be able to handle Klaus of all people lying to her too.

The young witch eventually stopped pacing, hanging her head low with her hands firmly on her denim clad hips. Trying to gather all her thoughts best she could but every conclusion had the same tragic outcome. Lizzie loved her mother, with everything she had, but this was a life decision she and Alaric made about she and Josie's life. This was a huge secret they voluntarily kept from them since birth—no matter the intentions it was wrong and harmful and drove away the only person in her life who's ever been honest with her.

Quite frankly she was too hurt and confused to care about anyone's feelings but her own.

Caroline stood patiently by her desk, waiting for her daughter to break the tension any second now.

Lizzie sniffled. "Klaus, um—Klaus wasn't an easy adjustment when he officially became apart of our lives. I didn't know what he was supposed to be to me and Josie, what Hope was supposed to be. There was a moment, brief, but a moment where I didn't want either of them around. I never told anyone that."

The baby vampire felt all her emotions bottling up in the base of her throat at her daughter's shocking admission.

"Klaus quickly became one of the most important people in my life—probably the only person I could depend on fir anything, but especially when life became overwhelming." She explained, blinking away her thick tears. "He was always the one who told me to dream big, to never limit myself no matter how far fetched it seemed. He encouraged all three of us—me, Josie and Hope—to get away from this small town the first chance we got if that's what we wanted. He wanted us to live. He was the most constant thing I had and you took that from me, you took everything from me..." She shook her head side to side, still not entirely processing the devastating news.

Caroline's chest caved and heart fell to the pit of her stomach. Hearing all of this—-what Klaus meant to Lizzie and vice versa—broke her heart more than anything she's ever encountered in her 25 years of living. All the death and tragedy that's surrounded her since knowing the existence of the supernatural held no water to the familial bond she broke between father and daughter.

Seeing Lizzie so distraught was gut wrenching, and knowing nothing she could say would make her pain go away. Caroline had to admit she underestimated the reactions from a kept secret fueled by good intentions.

Swallowing back her tears, she tried reaching her hand out again. "Lizzie please—"

"Klaus left because of you. He abandoned us and it's your fault!" Lizzie screamed, aggressively pushing her away and unintentionally blowing out the lights in Caroline's office and the outdoor hallway.

The ground shook—like a mini earthquake—but enough to rattle around everything in the large office space. No doubt the rest of the school felt it just as intensely. Caroline covered her ears and slightly lost her balance, tripping over her feet as the shaking wound down. Her initial mortified gaze now stunned and proud at her girl's amazing abilities but Lizzie wasn't letting up—leaving now room for praise.

"He left because he couldn't bare to stare at your lying face anymore than I can." She said exhaustedly. Voice hoarse, face blank and wet with tears.

Her body was present but it seemed she consciously wasn't. She had no more energy to give. After all the cries and yells she was mentally drained, not even enough to show a reaction to Caroline who was practically sobbing in front of her. Maybe there was a rational side to this, maybe, somewhere deep inside her core surely there was a justification. But Lizzie didn't have it in her to search for it, not now and she wasn't sure if she ever would.

Caroline pressed her quivering lips into a tight line, staring up at the ceiling to clear the glassy film over her eyes before fixating on her daughter again—no such luck. The rage, understood, the grief—valid. But the blatant disrespect was exceeding a level of inappropriate she didn't think was possible.

"Lizzie." She said sternly, approaching her with an equally reddened face. "This is a lot, I get that and your anger is beyond justified. I love you, and Klaus, and I really wish he was here right now but he's not. I don't know where he is yet. I don't know when or if he's coming back anytime soon and I'm sorry I can't provide you all the answers you want, but what I do know is that I'm still your mother. No matter how upset you are that is never going to change and you will not speak to me anyway you want. Is that understood?"

Lizzie swallowed audibly. Her body still facing forward as she grabbed the doorknob and twisting it with her shaky wrist. Staring Caroline down with a glare so sharp, it defined the phrase 'looks can kill'.

"You're not even my real mom. You're just the surrogate, remember?"

- Wow.

Caroline's stomach dropped, knees buckled and face drained of color and emotions. Her undead heart grew colder and weaker and body shriveled like a flower during Winter time, as Lizzie's haunting last words repeatedly stabbed her in the chest, over and over again. Her mouth opened and closed but no words came out—-there were no words to explain how Caroline was feeling. Even if it was a heat of the moment outburst, the blow couldn't have been any lower.

She didn't think anything could hurt more than watching Klaus walk away, until her distraught daughter stormed out the door without another look.

*****************************************************

Night time came quicker than anticipated. The school day came and went, and an exhausted Caroline couldn't be more relieved to be in the comfort of her home. Thankfully the house was empty, giving her all the alone tone she craved. Throwing her keys on the marble countertop after closing the door behind her—immediately making her ear upstairs to her room to drop off her bags and laptop.

After the horrific confrontation with Lizzie, the remainder of the afternoon Caroline was stuck with paperwork, phone calls, meetings and delinquent students. Never her favorite moments of the day but it was the perfect distraction from her personal life. The last thing Lizzie said still ringing in her ear and making her bleed by the lobes.

You're not even my real mom.

- Yup, still stings.

Still in disbelief Lizzie had it in her to say such a thing—to want to hurt her that badly. Bringing back the negative memories of when the twins were first born and everyone referred to them as Alaric's instead of theirs. Having to fight and prove she was worthy of the title as a mother, as if she wasn't the one who carried them for nine months and nearly died from it.

Her past frustrations beginning to mingle with the new.

She hadn't seen Lizzie around campus since and didn't make any attempts at calling or texting. Caroline figured she needed some space, it was a heavy case load of information that she was nowhere near prepared to drop yet. She wondered if Josie knew yet, or even Hope.

Caroline heavily sighed—-wanting nothing more than a warm bath, jazz on vinyl and a Cosmopolitan to was it all down.

Now in her bedroom, she prepared for just that. Her leather jacket, black pumps and laptop bag suffered the same fate as her house keys—carelessly thrown on the nearest surface. Running her fingers through her golden blonde curls with another sigh leaving her lips, taking as many breaths possible.

Looking down at the freshly made queen sized bed, she briefly paused, realizing this would make night four of sleeping in its comfort alone. No more safe and warm arms wrapped around her waist, holding her body snugged against his front. Light kisses and seductive licks up her exposed neck. Humming to sleep with a lazy smile as he whispered dirty confessions and sweet nothings on her ear. No more whispered 'I love yous' shared in the dark when basking in their mutual glow after making love.

She missed him...god did she miss him. Everything about Klaus made her feel so whole—never feeling more loved in her entire life. It amazed her how quickly he became a focal point in her life and how, just as quickly, he wasn't there.

This was the longest they've gone without speaking to each other and it was pure torture.

With that thought Caroline sat up on her bed, legs tucked under each other's and pulled her iPhone out her purse.

Her throat tightened—biting down on her bottom lip apprehensively as her thumb waved over his name in her contacts list. If she had a heartbeat she would've heard it pounding crazily in her ears by now. Giving their recent track record, the likelihood of him answering her at all was slim to none...

- What the hell.

Realizing she had nothing to lose, Caroline sucked in some bravery and pressed the 'call' button with a shaking thumb. Holding the device against her ear impatiently but, per usual, she was directed to his automatic voice message system. She wasn't too surprised he turned his phone off but more by his other skills.

Even for being centuries old and, usually, technologically challenged Klaus had enough knowledge on modern technology to disable the tracking feature.

Caroline smiled to herself at the sound of his distinct and seductive voice for his voicemail, remembering when she begged him to record one and how it took 15 minutes to persuade; nearly bursting into tears before the beep.

- This is so pathetic. You look pathetic and needy but if you just hang up now you can redeem some of your dignity.

Going against her own subconscious, she remained on the phone and quickly composed herself while clearing her throat at the sound of the beep.

- Shit.

"Hey, it's me but you already knew that because my number is in your phone." Caroline began with a sad smile and picking at the fabric of her pants with her fingertips. "Um, so I know your phone has been off the past couple of days and you're not exactly in the mood to talk to me now which I understand but um...I hope you're okay. You're on my mind everyday and...well I've had quite the day, a pretty shitty one actually and all I wanted to do afterwards was come home to you. Whenever I feel horrible I go to you, not because it takes one shitty thing to know another or anything like that. I just—" She smacked herself on the forehead.

Now she was a rambling mess, per usual when put in nerve racking situations but she caught herself. Closing her eyes for a second to release a long exhale before continuing.

Her blue eyes already welling up like the sea.

"You always make me feel better because, well you're the love of my life. That's still surreal to say, um, but it's true. You make me feel safe and valid, even when I probably don't deserve it. You're my greatest supporter, shoulder to cry on. You give me comfort, and I could really use some of that right now." She sniffled into a smile, shaking her head. "I'm so sorry, for everything. I regret keeping that from you when all you've ever done was be honest with me, but even more I regret letting you walk out that door. I didn't realize how much you were the glue keeping his family together until you were gone. We need you home, I need you. I miss you, and I really wish you were here."

The minute she hung up the phone, with a final tear streaming down her face, Alaric appeared in the doorway with bugged eyes and frustrated expression on his face.

Caroline's eyebrows pulled together in concern as she stood from her bed.

"What's wrong?"

He sighed, leaning one hand against the threshold. "It's Lizzie, she's gone."

*******************************************************

Klaus stared intently at the wall of his dark studio—sketchbook resting on his lap and a glass of bourbon in his hand. Everyone else in the house were in their respective rooms, likely asleep, but he was wide awake and alone.

He didn't intend on staying in New Orleans longer than a couple of days—-fleeing wasn't in his plans either—-but every night he'd close his and an image of the twins lying lifeless in the dirt flashed before him and jerking him awake. The news of the merge wasn't something he wanted to accept, nor something he could avoid—Caroline avoided it long enough.

Caroline.

His Caroline. His light, his love, his everything and more—who he now couldn't look at without feeling immense anger. With all the progression they've made through the years, from a friendship to blending their families he couldn't fathom why she didn't think she could confide in him. Why she didn't trust him with the truth about the girls—their girls! Now it felt too late, not enough time to be there for them the way he promised. Five years were nothing. They'll fly by in a blink of an eye, which one of them would be dead and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

Despite his animosity towards her, Klaus missed Caroline the longer he stayed away. Over a decade she played a crucial role in his heart and finally having her in his life intensified the already burning love. He missed kissing her before going to sleep and distracting her from work responsibilities. Everything about her made him happy to be alive. They never went more than a day without speaking, let alone him abruptly leaving and not at least informing her of his whereabouts.

He transformed into a wolf that first night, running wild and free in the dark woods of Mystic Falls for the whole night. Desperately trying to but out his frustration that never left. The urge to rip apart anyone who stood in his way was strong. All he saw was vibrant blood shot red as the moon washed through his dark brown coat, howling to himself in despair. Klaus was usually incapable of controlling his beast but demonstrated remarkable self control as he regained form any kills and turned back to a two-legged man when the sun began to set. Getting dressed and driving off to New Orleans like his life depended on it. Compelling his way through speeding tickets and hitchhiker's blood for the road, before finally arriving to his home.

Living under the same roof with Elijah, Freya and Hayley again wasn't an arrangement he missed in the slightest. Just as nosy as ever with their millions of inquires when he arrived on the front door. Thankfully all his irritants of siblings didn't live together anymore, but it didn't take long for word to spread to Rebekah and Kol who bombarded his phone with invasive questions. Hayley was probably the most respectable. After receiving the reassurance that Hope was safe, they spoke briefly while he unpacked. She knew his surprise arrival was Caroline related but didn't press him for information like the rest of the Mikaelson clan—Klaus appreciated the discretion.

Eventually he turned his phone off, not just to ignore his siblings but to also fight the temptation of reaching out to a certain blonde. He was in no shape to speak to her right now, and their last confrontation wasn't pretty either. Instead he buried himself into his art and community to distract from the shenanigans known as Mystic Falls.

Klaus' ears perked and eyes shot up when he sensed a presence outside the mansion—his suspicions confirmed at the sound of the doorbell repeatedly ringing. He threw his head back with a groan, certainly not in the mood for any surprise company—not to mention it was the middle of the night.

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.

"Fuckin' hell." He mumbled, rolling his eyes.

After finishing off his drink, Klaus slammed it on the table and stood from the chair with murder on his mind.

Storming towards the front door he yanked it open with as much force as he could muster, fangs out and vampiric eyes already golden and threatening.

Klaus' body stiffened.

His jaw clenched and stomach dropped as he held the door open. A mix of emotions ran through him as he stared in awe at the blonde girl before him who was looking back at him with the doest of eyes.

"Lizzie?" His voice almost a whisper.

"Surprise!" She hesitantly waved. Her half lip-glossed smile made his chest jump and hands soften.

After the initial shock faded, his eyes observed her appearance to make sure she was at least in good condition before he lashed out.

She had an overnight bag hanging on her arm and backpack thrown across her back. It was a fairly warm night, so her washed jeans with a cropped black sweater and tennis shoes was perfect attire; however, not typical Lizzie-like attire. Her wavy blonde hair was still perfectly in place.

Klaus nearly cried at the sight of her angelic face, for more than one reason.

- What the hell is she doing here? How did she know I was here? Is she here alone?

She was safe, good, now he can be mad.

"What—what are you doing here in New Orleans, at bloody 2 A.M. no less?"

"Klaus I—"

"How did you even get here?" He asked.

Lizzie gulped. "I—I flew."

"You flew, alone?" Klaus' eyes widened with his assumption.

She nodded.

He shook his head in disbelief while running his fingers through his curls irritably as if he felt a migraine coming along.

"Are you mad!" Klaus stepped closer towards her. "You drove through the French Quarter, on your own for the first time in the middle of the night. What were you thinking? Anything could've happened to you Lizzie do you realize that!" He growled.

"But nothing did. As you can see I'm fine!"

Words couldn't describe the amount of fear running through his body and blood rushing to his brain, at just the thought of anything going awry during her journey. Whether it be through the airport or on her way to the mansion. Lizzie's safety being compromised in his own city. He didn't even care that he was yelling.

This was New Orleans, boundaries were obsolete. He's seen what can happen to girls wandering around the city alone—he's had his fair share of sins. Knowing he'd paint the entire state of Louisiana red if anyone even thought of touching her.

Klaus rubbed his hand over his face, taking a deep breath while trying to calm himself.

Licking her lips nervously, Lizzie sighed.

She knew he'd be shocked to see her but maybe she overestimated how much.

"Look, I know you're like really pissed off with me and I get that. There's an actual explanation which we can talk about all of it inside but...you wouldn't by any chance have $60 to cover my cab? I kinda already told the driver you were good for it."

Just when he thought his night was uneventful.

**********************************************************

part 3 coming soon!

#klaroline #klaroline drabbles #klaroline fanfiction #lizzie saltzman #caroline forbes #klaus mikaelson #KLAUS IS THE FATHER LIZZIE DESERVED!!#and they'd be inseparable #my writing #klaroline shippers club #caroline's voicemail was my fav part to write #and the klaus/lizzie scene obviously #lizzie saltzman-forbes mikaelson

29 notes · View notes

finnyboywolfhard · 4 years

Text

Song That The Morning Brings (Prologue)

Steve Harrington x Henderson! Reader Series

Summary: Y/N Henderson is new to Hawkins and what better to have than someone willing to show you around. She befriends someone who eventually becomes her best friend, but the ties begin to break as they face some changes.

a/n; hellooo! this is going to be a S1-S3 slowburn fic. I’m going to try to update regularly but I can’t promise anything. Let me know if you want to be taglisted or anything :) enjoy!

warnings: cursing, angst, slight mention of abuse, alcohol

word count: 2.1k

The Hendersons arrived in Hawkins only a few days before the beginning of the school year. Luckily for Dustin, he had only just finished 4th grade, his friends were mere technicalities in the move. However for Y/N, that meant that she had to leave her friends right at the start of high school. She couldn’t necessarily be mad at her mom for leaving her dad finally, Dusty was still a little too young to understand the severity of some of what happened between their parents. Their dad didn’t ever get physical with their mom, but the damage done to her mentally was enough for anyone to break. So, Claudia helped her kids pack their things while their father was away and move the distance to Hawkins.

“Hey mom, I’m gonna walk around the town a little bit just to try to get acquainted. I’ll be back.”

“Okay honey, please be careful. “ Claudia kissed her daughter on the cheek and let her wander off.

It was still warm out, which was nice but what was even nicer was the cool breeze blowing in her direction. She walked down past Lincoln Park and found herself wandering into a clearly richer neighborhood.

The girl was scared from her thoughts as she bumped into a boy who had been running in her direction attempting to catch a ball.

“Ah shit! I’m so sorry.” He said.

“It’s alright; I was kinda in my own little world anyway.” She said with a smile, slightly taken aback by how attractive he was. Maybe she could get used to being in Hawkins.

“I don’t mean to be rude, but do I know you?” He asked her.

“Steve! Dude! Come on!” A boy yelled from far away.

“No you don’t, I just moved here. My name is Y/N” She reached her hand out for him to shake it, “It’s nice to meet you Steve, but I think you should probably get back.”

“Y/N, you don’t have to but tomorrow I can give you a proper tour of Hawkins if you meet me here tomorrow morning at like 10 AM.”

“Steve that would be lovely.” She waved goodbye to him and began walking back to her house.

When she got home, she ran to tell her mom about what had happened, before her mom sat her down for a serious conversation.

“Y/N, I know this was hard for you, and I’m so sorry that you had to move away from your friends.”

“Mom, it’s okay. I’ll make it out okay. I just know it. And I know Dusty will be just fine too. You don’t have to worry about us.”

“I know, I just know I can’t be the male influence in your guys’ life, and that worries me.”

“Mom, you’re the best influence we have, okay? I’m gonna head to bed and I think you should too. I love you mom.”

“I love you too my dearest. Trees, Leaves and Needles.”

Y/N went to bed that night with her mind going ninety miles an hour. She couldn’t stop thinking about Steve and whether he was playing some grand practical joke or if he was being super genuine. She thought about what her mom said about a male influence, because in all reality she never had one nor needed one, but Dustin would. Neither Claudia nor Y/N could be that for him.

When she rose the next morning, she was eager to get ready and head over to Steve’s. She didn’t even say goodbye to her mom and brother. The walk was super pleasant and she got there quicker than expected.

“Y/N! Hey! I’m so glad you actually came!” The tour was the official start of their friendship.

After that day the two were inseparable. For all of freshman and sophomore year, the two were never seen without the other. On the last day of Sophomore year, Y/N had just gotten back to the school to clear her locker out for the summer.

“Hey Stevie!” Y/N hugged Steve from the back, hands flying around his waist.

“Hey Y/N/N, where have you been all day?”

“I told you! Today was when I went into meet Chief Hopper about being a work study for him over the next few years.”

“Oh yeah, and you’re positive it’s not because of your dumb school girl crush on him?” She slapped his arm for that response, having been embarrassed of the fact that she opened up to him about that in the past.

“I am 100% positive about that. I am also 100% over that. Anyway, I’m primarily gonna be working with Flo, and if I’m not with her, I’m gonna be filing shit away for them. So, how was the final day in Hawkins High for the year without me?”

“I got invited to a party!”

“Wait, really? By who?”

“Tommy H! He said it’s gonna be super laidback and fun, and I was thinking that you could come with me….” He was nudging her in the side, her blatant disgust by the idea stayed on her face like cement. “Come Y/N, just one party that’s it, that’s all I’m asking.”

“I’ll think about it, when is it?”

“Tonight.” He muttered under his breath, knowing she was gonna freak.

“Tonight?! Steve! I told you that I have stay with my mom and brother tonight because we’ve hung out every other night this week.”

“I know, but I was hoping that maybe your mom would be chill if you just stayed home tomorrow instead.”

“Steve, we have plans to hang out tomorrow already. Remember?” He shakes his head a little. “We are gonna go see Trading Places and then dinner.”

“Y/N, please. I really want to go to this party but I don’t want to go alone.” The girls heart broke a little at the sight of him so let down. But she had made a promise to her mom, and seeing her mom like that would be so much worse.

“I’m sorry Stevie. I made a promise. I’ll drive home if you want? I don’t have to pick up Dustin for another hour.” The boy agreed to her driving him home.

Later on in the night, she had just sat down in the living room to watch Raiders of The Lost Ark with Dusty for probably the sixth time in the past few months when her phone started ringing off the hook. She rushed over to pick it up.

“Hello?”

“Y/N! Oh thank you for ans-s-swering. I n-need you to come-“ A burp interrupted the sentence deliriously coming from the other end of the phone. “To come get me. I’m a little drunk.”

“Steve, where are you?”

“Tommy’s house. He lives on Holly Avenue.” This sentence a little more clear, but definitely still slurred.

“I’ll be there in like 5.”

She hung up the phone and walked over to Dustin, letting him know that she would be back soon and that he could keep watching the movie without her. She walked to her car, already feeling the anger she was gonna feel when she got there. As she started her drive over, she played her favorite Grateful Dead album, Wake of The Flood. They always helped her stay calm when she was gonna burst. When she pulled up, she could already hear the loud, overbearing music and could already see the stumbling teenagers rejoicing in the end of their school year. She parked her car, and decided to dive head first into the sea of her peers in search of the dumbass boy she had befriended last year. The floor was sticky beyond belief, and the smell of the air was a mixture of disgusting and putrid. Her blood was already beginning to boil, but reached its point when she heard, “Harrington, your girl is here to pick you up.” The girl whipped her head around and saw a pack of boys standing around Steve cracking up, all of them visibly less gone than he was. She hurried her pace to go over to the group, she grabbed his wrist with a firm grasp and an authoritative “Let’s go”. Steve followed close behind her, stumbling ever so slightly, slowly becoming closer and closer to her, almost as if she was a stable surface to push his body weight onto.

“Y/N. Y/N. Y/N. Y/N, you’re going too fast. “ The girl slowed her pace a little bit.

“Y/N, are you mad at me? I don’t want you to be mad at me. I was just trying to have a little fun for once.” It felt like a dagger going through her heart, ‘for once’. That one hurt her.

“Y/N, please talk to me.” They had just reached the passenger side of the door, and she was buckling him in, just as Chief Hopper arrived to break it up.

“Steve, stay here.” She had rushed over to Hopper when he was getting out of his car.

“Hey Hop. I’ll file this tomorrow morning; this is Tommy Hagan’s house just so you know.”

“Believe me, I know. This isn’t my first time coming here. Why are you here?”

“I had to pick up an idiot friend. I’ll let you go do your thing, just thought I should inform you just in case.”

“Thanks Y/N, see ya.”

She prepared herself for what was coming once she got in the car. Her heart was beating out of control. However, she was pleased when he was quiet while she was buckling herself in, but once she started her car the chattering was back.

“Y/N/N, why are you mad at me?” His voice was super sad, but she was also really upset.

“I’m mad because I didn’t really want you or me coming to this party tonight, but you came and I had to come to get you because you can’t handle your alcohol. Also, you said have fun for once. I thought we had fun when we hang out but whatever.” At this point, she was on her way to his house.

“Y/N, I’m Sorry. I promise.”

“Yeah, whatever its fine.” The car then fell silent, until he realized she was taking him to his house.

“You can’t take me to my house.”

“What? Why?”

“My dad will kill me if he finds out I have been drinking.” She could tell he was starting to sober up, even just a little bit.

“Okay, well I can’t take you to my house with me, so how about we drive around until you think you can see your dad?” The boy nodded his head. Just as he did that, her favorite song from the album came on. She started humming along until the chorus hit, where she started full on singing.

“Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world,” he began staring at her as she sang along, “This is my favorite lyric Stevie, ready… Wake now, discover that you are the song that the morning brings, Isn’t that beautiful?”

“Yeah, it really is.” Love starting filling his eyes, but she never saw it. They drove for a while longer, until he felt comfortable enough to go home. She looked at the clock, and saw her curfew was about to expire in about 20 minutes. This dwindled down to ten by the time she got to Steve’s. She put the car in park, got out and walked him up to his room, knowing the layout of the house as well as she’d known her own. She got him up to his room and ready for bed, before walking over to the door to leave, knowing she’d be the one to have to talk to Mr. Harrington. Steve stopped her as she was leaving by saying,

“I really am sorry Y/N. I promise you that this will never happen again.”

Except that promise was repeatedly broken. The amount of times that she had to leave her house to rescue a drunken Steve Harrington, or as people would say “King Steve”, from a disgusting party became too much for her. The last time he called her, was the last time that they had ever talked after nearly 2 years of nonstop friendship.

Junior year came at her like a flash, and here she was three months in, finding herself lost without Steve by her side. But deep down in her heart, she knew that this ‘King Steve’ character was just a façade that he needed to deal with, and that her best friend would be himself again eventually. That didn’t make her feel any better about the whole situation regardless.

#steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x you #steve harrington #steve harrington fanfic #stranger things x y/n

76 notes · View notes

imayjinmin · 3 years

Text

When Darkness Meets Chapter 2

EXO, BTS, NCT, MONSTA X x Reader

Word count: 3.2k

Playlist: Here

Synopsis: Finally returning to talk to EXO, she gets found out. BTS know of her, while EXO are cornering her. Having two options to either run or join, she realized if you want something bad enough, you have to make decisions you don’t necessarily want.

It was exhilarating. Having no clue if it was an adrenaline rush or the fact that I stole from EXO. I was happy, beyond that actually. Currently on my way home to the group house. Hearing my phone ring I reached for it accepting the request.

“Hey Solar, what’s up?”

“Are you out of your fucking mind?!”

“The last time I checked I wasn’t, but things could’ve changed. Why?”

“You stole from EXO, Y/n. You are going to have a hit on your back now, and I swear if you end up getting us involved.”

“Stop. The idiots didn’t even know I stole their keys. If they figure out then we should give them an award for not being complete dumbasses.” Solar sighed.

“I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into?”

“I do, now I’m pulling up to the gate. I’ll talk to you when I get in.” Parking the car in the garage, stepping out Lisa came up to me.

“Who’s exact car is this?”

“Xiumin’s.”

“Well at least you took it from him and not Chanyeol or Lay. You would’ve been dead on the spot.”

“You know I love your encouragement. Now let’s get inside Solar wants to talk.” Walking in to see Jennie and Solar standing at the bottom of the staircase. “Where is Jackson, Bambam, JB, Jinyoung, Amber, Henry, and Hwasa?”

“They’re all upstairs in the game room. Now, what exactly is the game plan with EXO?”

“I want them to give us some territory in the South.” Watching as their jaws dropped, I know it sounds ridiculous. “What? We all want some of that territory, don’t act coy.” Amber came walking down the stairs.

“You realize the only way we are going to get some of that territory is by joining them right? I know that you know we won’t ever be able to beat them.”

“I don’t know, Amber? She had them doing what she asked. She stole Suho’s gun and got Xiumin’s keys without them knowing. She even got Suho to make them lower their guns. Hell, she got Taeyong to back down along with Yuta. I’m not saying that she could beat them, but she may have some advantage against them.”

“Well you know what they say if you can’t beat them, join them.” Nodding in usion, until I got an idea.

“Uh oh I know that look. What’s going on in that demented mind of your’s?”

“Why don’t I go and return the car. While doing so I’ll join them, report everything back and then boom, territory is ours.”

“I don’t like the idea. If you cross them you’re dead. If you get involved with them, whether its romantic, sexual or partners you won’t be let go.”

“Why not?”

“Once they’ve had you they won’t let you go. You are basically owned by them.”

“I doubt that actually happens.”

“Okay fine, let’s say we go through with this, what happens to our group? Also if we do this, when?”

“The group will be fine, I’ll put Amber in charge. To answer your other question...tonight. I will have Jinyoung look up their location.” Walking up the stairs with everyone shortly following. Knocking on Jinyoung’s door, peaking my head inside.

“Hey Mom. Can I ask you for a favor?”

“It depends on what the circumstances of the favor are?”

“I just need the location of where EXO is going to be tonight.”

“I guess that isn’t too much of a hassle. I will come find you when I have the answer.”

“Thanks Mom.”

***

“They are going to the Neon Night Club at 10pm sharp. Why do you want to know where they’re going anyway?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Uh-huh sure. Well good luck.”

“Thanks.”

***

Later that night the girls helped me pick a dress that would get me some attention. After taking some time to finish doing my make-up and hair, they handed me a pair of shoes.

“Do you really think I will be able to walk in these?” Jennie chuckled.

“You’ll do fine, and if you do fall let them be your knights in shining armor.”

“Ha ha very funny. Now help me down to the car.” Walking down to the garage was a lot more stressful than it should have been. “I just have one question for you Jennie?”

“Shoot.”

“How the hell do you wear these all the time?”

“Well I want to feel good, and when I wear heels I feel confident.”

“I don’t understand where you’re coming from, but I’ll take your word on it.”

Getting into the car I took the shoes off. Placing them in the passenger seat, leaving after on my way to the club. Once arriving I sighed while grabbing the shoes. Putting them on once more. Showing my I.D to the bouncer, quickly walking to the bar.

“What will it be?”

“Whiskey on the rocks.” Looking around still not seeing them. Grabbing my drink and downing it. Getting another refill, picking it up and walking around the club. Not being someone who particularly enjoys crowds, so staying in the shadows was my place. Getting to see basically everything while avoiding drunk dumbasses. Leaning against the wall taking a sip of my drink when everyone swarmed the entrance. Pushing myself off of the wall to see nine men come in with different colored suits. They looked severely out of place. Making my way through the crowd, stopping in front of a girl handing her my drink.

“Yeah, hold this for me real quick, thanks.” Without a second glance I proceeded toward the V.I.P section. Stopping as the bouncer put his hand out.

“Name and I.D.”

“Y/n Huang.” Handing him my I.D he checked through the list.

“I’m sorry but you’re not on the list, and I can’t let you in unless somebody can vouch for you.”

“I can vouch for her, she’s my date this evening.” Quickly turning to see Lay standing a few inches from me.

“Yes sir. Here you go.” Placing his hand on my lower back he pushed me. Walking past the bouncer, and into the sea of people.

“You’re lucky I saved your ass.”

“Yeah, how so? I would’ve gotten in by myself.”

“Sure you would’ve. Now where is his car?”

“It’s in safe hands for now. If you piss me off then I don’t know.”

“You know...I admire you.”

Oh really? Enlighten me on why.”

“Well you’re a female that has some big time connections. You see I talked to a dear friend of mine. Park Jimin, I’m sure you recognize the name, and he informed me all about you and your little tribe. Amazing how you got some of the best out of the best people to join you, how’d you do it? Could it be your brothers? I’m the only one that knows that secret, but for how long depends on what you do.”

“If this is how you act all the time, then I’m surprised your not dead.”

“Well, I’m known as mentally insane. People don’t push my buttons, usually too afraid of the other one that comes out.”

“Oh so your telling me this is the mentally stable one?”

“Well I wouldn’t say all that, but yes.”

“Now how about instead of taking away my time with nonsense, you show me to the rest of EXO.”

“Oh boy will they be ecstatic to see you. Right this way.”

#chapter 2 #exo #nct #bts #monsta x #kpop imagines #exo imagines #nct imagines #lay

5 notes · View notes

fairysharkmother · 5 years

Note

hi momma, I'm having a lot of mental health problems and I cant get therapy because the offices in my town dont accept my insurance, how do I stop having sobbing breakdowns when I get upset? no one I know can help and my mom just keeps telling me I'm moody and negative, I dont know how to stop my emotions. I just want to be happy

hello honey,

if your insurance isn’t being accepted in places where you need care, my heart aches for you. i saw my friend get denied care for having a pinched spinal nerve bc they were outside their state and had state medicare. it pissed me off and i had to drive him another state over just to see the emergency room. i was furious.

you should try to do some digging and look for your state’s free clinics. i live in minnesota and there are a few free therapy clinics in saint paul. i have drove people there before to seek help. your state is bound to have at least one. drive there if you are able, otherwise perhaps uber or take public transport. go with a friend for emotional support (and also to physically comfort you if need be on public transport i know i need that sometimes ; w ; )

if you’d like, you could message us again with your home state and we could do some researching for you! i want you to find help, truly.

it sounds like you need to do some support group landscaping. i’m very sorry your family is invalidating your mental pain, mine did as well. it’s frustrating and only worsens things.

you should try some emotional distress techniques in times like that. here are some examples, dear:

as humans, we will never have complete control over what we feel, but we have a lot more influence over how we feel than you might have heard.

the skills that allow you to manage and direct your emotions are called emotion regulation skills (see self-regulation), and it doesn’t take a pilgrimage to a holy site or thousands of dollars to learn these secrets to feeling better.

Read on to learn about emotion regulation and how you can develop and improve the skills necessary for staying balanced and emotionally stable.

This article contains:

An Explanation of Emotion Regulation in Dialectical Behavior Therapy

What About Emotional Dysregulation?

DBT Self Help: 3 Emotion Regulation Questionnaires

10 DBT Emotion Regulation Strategies & Techniques

8 Emotional Regulation Worksheets & Emotion Pictures

A Take-Home Message

References

Follow these steps to work on your ability to let go of negative emotions:

Observe your emotion. Acknowledge that it exists, stand back from it, and get yourself unstuck from it;

Try to experience your emotion as a wave, coming and going. You may find it helpful to concentrate on some part of the emotion, like how your body is feeling or some image about it. For example, you could use this imagery:

Recognize that you are not your emotion. Your emotion is part of you, but it is not all of you. You are more than your emotion;

Do not necessarily act on the emotion; having the emotion does not mean that you have to act. You may just need to sit with the emotion. Often, acting can intensify and prolong the emotion;

Practice LOVING your emotions. This can be a difficult concept. Why would we want to love painful emotions?

“Try to imagine an ocean wave flowing through you, but not so big that it knocks you over. Don’t try to push the emotion away. This makes it bigger and increases our suffering. Don’t reject the emotion. Don’t judge your emotion. It is not good or bad. It is just there. There are no bad emotions, just emotions. Anger, fear, sadness are all painful emotions, but they are not bad. Everyone has them, and they are just as valid as the happy emotions. At the same time, do not hang on to your emotion. Don’t rehearse it over and over to yourself. Don’t escalate it or make it bigger. Sometimes when we feel a very painful emotion, like anger or a deep grief, we hold on to it, or we intensify it, making it stronger and stronger, in our efforts to deal with it or to give it our full attention. Try not to do this. Just let it be however it is. This can result in a lessening of the pain.”

We can learn to love our emotions just the way we can learn to love (accept) anything else about ourselves or our experience that we cannot change—our age, our height, freckles, the birds that sing early in the morning and wake us up, the weather, the size of our feet, allergies, etc.

Remember that acceptance (love) and approval are two different things. You don’t have to like your freckles, but they are there and you can’t change that, so if you just accept or love them, you will feel a lot better than if you keep fighting the idea that they are there (Dietz, 2012).

source above: here

also please don’t forget this emotional pain scale and reference it often:

we love you honey! please don’t be afraid to reach out. we are here for you.

~shae the siren

108 notes · View notes

deadgodsuggestions · 4 years

Text

I’m finally gonna talk about why I’ve been inactive for months.

This post is going to be solely about me, not my poetry or writing. It’s going to include themes of suicide and mental illness, as well as drug abuse and self harm, so be careful reading.

The last time I posted was in October, and that’s when things started getting worse. I was prescribed valium, and I fell in love with it the first time I took it. I still love it. I would be high every moment of every day if I could be. But the valium would eventually run out, so I started smoking weed as well. I was working one job at the time, but eventually got another one.

These two jobs were what ended up breaking me. Some days I was working fourteen hours, which was far too much for I think any seventeen year old. My grandparents were constantly out of town. I was living in a three story house by myself, with these dogs that were never happy because no one was ever home. That house is too big to be so empty, and coming home to no one after exhausting myself hurt more than I ever thought it would.

I was smoking every night to go to sleep, just so I could get some quality sleep. Recalling that time of my life is still triggering today.

My breaking point was my eighteenth birthday. I was off one job, and got a piercing with a friend. I tried to enjoy myself, but had to go to my other job directly after. I got to work at 4:30 and didn’t get home until 2AM.

The roads were icy. It was dark. I was going ninety in a sixty-five. I was bone tired, and I was convinced this exhaustion was going to be the rest of my life. I’d been planning for a month at this point to pull the steering wheel and hope my death looks like an accident. I was so fucked up that I spoke to my friend about it. He knew a shitton more about cars than I do, and he said it’d be easy for me to die in a crash.

In his defense, he told me this with the thought that I would try to fix some of the issues.

I called my mom instead of killing myself that night. I laid in the floor and cried, and I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard.

I did this for the next two nights. Three nights my mom had to hear me tell her I was going to kill myself with nothing she could do about it. She was on the other side of the country, after all.

My grandmother was in town at the time. She was meant to be flying out of town Monday morning, and I texted my aunt, her daughter, and 3AM the night before telling her I was planning to kill myself and I shouldn’t be left alone. I was afraid of telling my grandmother, and rightfully so. She was at the airport when she finally answered my aunt’s calls and she lost it. She was furious, and I was the one that got screamed at over the phone. I texted another friend and went to her house.

I still feel shitty about this. I’d just told everyone I was going to kill myself and then I disappeared, but if I hadn’t left I would have killed myself in that house.

I stayed at my friend’s for a couple hours and played with her dog. Eventually, she and my mother convinced me to go home.

I did, and my grandmother was waiting for me, more scared than mad now and crying harder than I’d ever seen. We spoke, and she drove me to a hospital. She stayed with me until a car came to pick me up to take me to a mental hospital. They wouldn’t let me have my phone in the car, so I stared at the moon for an hour and a half and listened to the driver’s godawful music until we got there.

When we did, I sat in a room for close to an hour crying my eyes out. I’d gotten there during a shift change, so it isn’t really their fault that I had to wait for so long.

Alex was the nurse that finally helped me. She had a pride pin on her uniform and the sweetest smile, and I was such a bitch to her because I was scared. (I later apologized and she said she took none of it to heart and that it was alright.) I disclosed my transness to her and she made my roommate the only other trans guy there. We’ll call him T. Once I finally tried to sleep, that was after roaming the day room for an hour to wear myself out. (It was 2AM at this point and I should have been tired, but my nerves were shot because my intake was traumatizing.)

I woke up the next day to T falling into his wheelchair. He must’ve noticed me roll over because he laughed and asked if he woke me up, to which I responded, “Just a little.”

He laughed a lot louder than before, and excused himself to the bathroom with the warning that he might need help getting back into his wheelchair. I was more than fine with helping him, and I did. We bonded that morning.

He came with me to get a composition notebook from the front desk and boldly wrote my name and pronouns on the front of it. He seemed so happy to me, and oh so very willing to help.

I never would have guessed that T successfully killed himself. He was dead for two minutes before they brought him back, and he was pissed off about it. I think about him every day. I miss him every day.

He introduced me to B, who had discovered during their stay that they’re nonbinary. I congratulated them, of course, and sat around and talked about gender with them. I have their contact info. I watch their streams sometimes.

I need to talk to them more, because I think about them every day, too.

We went to the gym one day, with a boy we’ll call Q. He was eighteen, same as me, and lanky as all hell. He didn’t seem like the type that I would get along with, and I’ve never been more delighted to have been wrong. Q loved the idea of the occult, and I am a balls-to-the-wall pagan with a lot of stories to tell. We made a tarot deck with uno cards and I read our fortunes in the day room. We talked about the concept of god with B. It was a great time.

I need to talk to Q more, too. He witnessed me drunk on seroquel for the first time, where I confessed my platonic love for him and told him he was my type. I have a boyfriend, so I wasn’t hitting on him.

I’m just dumb, and drunk me never knows when to shut up.

I mentioned my medication, so I’ll talk about it now. At the hospital, I was diagnosed with bipolar type two. I knew this would be my diagnosis. I’d known I was bipolar for years. My mother is, and now we’re on the same medication.

I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily gotten any easier, but my struggles are different and interesting now, so I’m less inclined to kill myself.

Q left the day before me. He wasn’t much of a hugger, so we very seriously shook hands while I told him how happy I was.

A lot of people left before me. A woman I’ll call C, who held me like a mother would when I cried and told her I didn’t think I could do it anymore. There was a woman I’ll call P, who was a carbon copy of my mother. Hugging was frowned upon, but I probably held her for half my time there. Another woman I’ll call N. She didn’t want to talk to anyone, a real hardass about opening up. I sat in front of her and told her my story, and she told me hers. the first day we met.

I checked up on the elderly patients every change I got, which was a lot. They usually half smiled at me. I could tell it meant something to them that someone cared enough to tap their shoulder and tell them good morning. An elderly women I’ll call D always called me sweetie in the smallest voice and to this day the memory makes my heart melt.

It wasn’t all bad. I’ve been out for about two months now. My grandmother is making a real effort to understand my mental illness, because it isn’t an easy one. My mother came to visit when I got out of the hospital and also for christmas. It was good seeing her.

I quit my jobs. No call, no show while I was in the hospital. I could have fought them, but I let one of them fire me. I’m still unemployed, but I’m volunteering now. I work with a dog rescue on Saturdays, when I’m in town. I made a road trip from Colorado to Arizona and met my boyfriend in person for the first time. I’m in Montana while I’m writing this, contemplating how lucky I am to be alive.

At the end of the day, it’s difficult. But I’m glad I’m not dead. I’m struggling more with mania than depression now. My violent intrusive thoughts are prohibiting me from working with dogs as much as I want, but I’m figuring it all out.

I’ll never really be okay, but I hope I can be stable one day. I hope I can have more good days than bad days and more mild episodes than batshit.

I’m going to text B and Q today, and when I get home and find my notebook, I’m going to text T, too.

#personal #not a suggestion

13 notes · View notes

gwinnetts · 4 years

Text

@pxperhearts sent an ASK from the fruity headcanons meme // 🍎 for zetta // how stable is my muse’s mental health? have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and / or conditions? do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and / or conditions? do they or should they attend therapy?

zetta hasn’t been diagnosed with anything, and luckily for her, pre-war, that’s fairly accurate.

kind of.

she could probably do with some therapy to tackle all of the baggage she got from her mom, which... their relationship was always rocky, but as zetta got older and more independent, the more controlling her mom got, and the more her mom tried to stifle that independence. this included a lot of traditional emotionally abusive tactics, and zetta never really comes to forgive her mom for any of it. her relationship with her mom continues to inform her interactions with people, and her reactions to... quite a lot of things, for pretty well the rest of her life. i don’t know if i’d necessarily say she has ptsd, but there was definitely damage done, there. she obviously has some massive trust issues.

getting her into therapy about it would be a chore and a half, and getting her to stick with therapy would be even worse. zetta doesn’t like confronting these feelings, and doesn’t like exposing her vulnerabilities to strangers, or to... anyone who isn’t a member of her chosen family. it’d be a fight. and, again, that’s just covering pre-war.

post-war... well. that’s when i can go from “she might have ptsd” to “she DEFINITELY has ptsd.” and not just because it’s part and parcel with the wasteland, really, but because of the vault, and losing riley, and then the whole thing with shaun, and ........

as a cherry on top, there’s a hefty dose of survivor’s guilt in there, too. it doesn’t take long for it to be Very difficult for her to read or listen to any records or holotapes made by people who dealt with the aftermath of the great war. she thinks, that would have been us. that should have been us. and... it’s bad. it puts her in a bad way. sooo she starts running things through deacon before she touches them...

all this said — zetta is fairly resilient, mentally. the fact that anger is her coping mechanism actually keeps her bouncing back, keeps her from falling into herself, keeps her connecting with the world around her even if it’s in a hostile way. even when she’s having her worst days, she manages to keep herself out of behaviors that are any more self-destructive than workaholism.

#pxperhearts #( ASK. out of character ) the answers are buried in me #( MUSE. zetta ) don't have a lot left: just anger and something to prove #( RP. headcanon ) so we'll pick back up on that on another page #cw abuse mention #// i'd say zetta needs a hug but #// she wouldn't appreciate it #// also: post-war?#// hating her mom is kind of zetta's way of keeping her alive #// pre-war she didnt want her mom in her life at all #// or shaun's #// but...#// it's messy. it's complicated #// don't make her think about it

2 notes · View notes

foofygoldfish · 4 years

Note

All for Willow

🍍 : how comfortable is my muse in their body? how do they feel about their height, weight, strength, and body type? how important is being attractive to them?

somewhat? being attractive isn’t important to her at all (except sometimes, when she’s alone with thomas - that’s a different situation, in her mind).

🍅 : how does my muse feel about plastic / cosmetic surgeries & procedures? is it something they have done or would do? do they mind if others do it?

she doesn’t really have an opinion - i doubt they’re really an option in the world she lives in, outside of maybe the bigger cities. even if it was, she wouldn’t actively consider it - if she was in an accident? yeah. otherwise? she doesn’t care if someone else does, but yeah, it’s not for her.

🍏 : how stable is my muse’s physical health? do they go for regular or semi-regular checkups by a physician? do they have any diagnosed illnesses and / or take any medication? how often do they get sick?

she’s (somehow) in fairly stable health - she does get regular checkups, particularly when she’s in hope county, but that’s mostly to check on her prosthetic and to fix that, not her. as for her immune system - she doesn’t get sick often, but when she does, she’s whiny.

officially, she hasn’t been diagnosed with anything, but she does have a decent amount of anxiety stemming from her years in the bunker and the years immediately after.

🍑 : how meticulously does my muse look after their physical appearance? do they spend a lot of time on their hair, makeup, grooming, and clothing? is there a particular reason why they do or don’t?

she keeps herself looking tidy, but with her job? it’s usually not practical to care too much. when she’s safe in prosperity or back in portland, though, she will take extra time on her hair and wear nicer clothes.

🍒 : how much does my muse value companionship? do they constantly keep people around them, or do they prefer to be alone often? do they have or desire to have many friends? do they see every meeting as an opportunity to make a new friend?

she hates being alone, honestly - it’s too quiet. she always has someone with her, be it thomas, leah, one of the residents of prosperity... there’s always someone. she doesn’t necessarily want friends - just a companion. if they get along well enough to be friends? that’s great, but it’s work.

from birth till age 10? amazing. aaaand then the bombs dropped and her brother died, and that kinda fucked with everything. her teenage years were rough, between coping with finn’s death and the whole “nuclear apocalypse” thing. overall, she’s adapted pretty well to this new world, but there are definitely days when she wishes she could go back to how things were before and spend time on her parents farm or go swimming in the big lake in town again.

🍐 : how intelligent is my muse overall? are they smarter than the average person, or less than? are they primarily self-taught, or did they acquire most of their knowledge in school? are they more street smart or book smart?

technically, her formal schooling if she had chance, she’d be excellent at jeopardy - her dad was a high school teacher and her mom a vet, so they were able to (pretty much) keep her and leah’s education going while they were in the bunker.

🍉 : which of the four seasons suits my muse best, and why?

aesthetically? she likes the winter. she thinks it’s pretty, and she loves watching mila and rush playing in the snow together. practically? summer, probably - it’s easier to move around lol

🍌 : is my muse inclined to help others, or will they only do it when it benefits them, if at all? what makes them this way? has it ever gotten them into trouble, or inconvenienced them?

she’ll help people, but only to a point - her team comes first, the people she’s protecting come first, but as long as someone isn’t an active threat? she’ll do her best to help them too. it’s something she learned to do very early on - things were rough in the years after the bombs, and she learned that no matter how much she wants to help someone, it’s not always practical.

🍊 : does my muse desire romance? is it something they would actively seek out, or prefer to happen more ‘ naturally? ’ what is their love life like? do they have any exes or past flings, or crushes?

she’s the one who initiated things with thomas lol - their relationship is more subdued, due to the nature of their jobs, but behind closed doors they’re very affectionate.

🍓 : how is my muse typically seen by others? does it ring true to who they really are? does their reputation matter to them?

she’s seen as someone that’s tough - she is, but when she’s not working? she’s a total softie.

🥝 : does my muse have any ‘ unusual ’ habits, interests, and / or talents? do they hide it, or are they proud of it?

so many people are surprised that she enjoys sewing and knitting - she thinks it’s calming (and practical) but... nobody expects it.

she’ll pretty much eat whatever, but if she isn’t on the train, she frequently has to be reminded to eat lol

🥭 : how important to my muse is their hometown, or where they’re from? are they proud of it, or considered a hometown hero? did they move away, or do they wish to?

she hasn’t been back to michigan since she first left, and she misses it - someday she wants to get back out there with mila and baby leah, to see if her old farm is still there, or if any parts of her hometown have survived, and if any of her old friends are still around. she doesn’t expect much, but she just needs to know.

#sharky-broshaw #asks #willow keene #fcnd

3 notes · View notes

syryns · 4 years

Note

Do it dude venting makes you feel better

[warning: a lot of use of the f bomb in this, I also talk about self harm and a lot of depressing stuff :) I'm f*cking fine]

Ok I'm gonna vent. This isn't what this ask was originally telling me to vent about but hey, venting. And probably no one will read it but that's fine cause it isn't necessarily meant for anyone but me to read anyway.

Why is everything, every single thing, not as good as I hope. And why do I let myself hope, even when I know my hopes are far fetched and my expectations should be much lower.

Now, I know I've got a lot going for me. I have a good relationship with my family, though not super healthy, but fun. I have two good jobs, even if I fall asleep at one, and the other is so socially exhausting that I dread shifts a week before they happen. Yeah I'm overworking myself but I have things to show for it so that makes it kind of worth it. Sidenote though, I have discovered that the more consecutively I work for longer hours, the more of a bitch I become; I found myself hating people who I don't hate now that I've had some time to relax, I was so mad at everything and I wish I could apologize but I don't think people would get what I was trying to say.

Anyway, I don't have a lot to complain about apart from mental illness, trauma from grade school, and a lack of a love life. I feel bad for even being upset most of the time because I don't know what the hell I'm upset about. However, I'm not venting about that really, I'm going to vent about the fact that nothing ever fucking works out for me. Nothing has ever fucking worked out except for those things that I can't complain about. From an outside perspective it'd be: has a nice family, lives in a good home albeit messy, financially stable, good friends, physically healthy besides bad diet and little physical activity. That's great. It's great. But maybe the fucking reason I am not a hundredth as ambitious as my sisters is because not a single fucking one of my hopes has ever stuck.

When I was in elementary school, I made a little owl figurine in class. I was so proud of it, and I loved it, and I proceeded to show my mom and watch her throw it into the back of our family van to be crushed and forgotten, but not forgotten by me. When I was in middle school, my favorite magazine was looking for girls my age in my state to be in the next issue and my mom told me the deadline to enter was 2 months after what it was and I was heartbroken that I didn't even get to try, but I told my mom it was ok and that it wasn't that important anyway. I wanted to enter a drawing into a contest and when I showed my parents, they laughed at it because I'd misspelled a word, at that point it was in marker and too late to fix, so I didn't enter at all. I could go on forever about grade school ones, let's just say, I never won, and I never got on the fucking honor roll like my sisters, and I never got recognized for the things I was proud of, and I never got to leave the little box that my anxiety and family and school and world had put me in. So great. But I was a kiiiid, it's not like it really mattereddd! It's not like I was so scarred by my drawings being torn up in front of me that I became better at art just to get recognized and then have everyone think art was the only possible thing I could ever be successful in right? Or I was so insecure about my poor spelling that to this day I have to look up how to spell words that I already know how to spell to write something in my journal that no one will ever fucking read because "what it?" right? Right? I couldn't have been that influenced? And it definitely couldn't be more than just those two fucking things!

And it didn't get any fucking better after that. I went to a school with a major I don't want with no fucking plan and no idea what I was even doing there. I didn't want to be there At All. Only there because it's what my sisters did and what I was supposed to do. I failed every fucking one of my classes. Did fucking drugs. Got physically used by the person I liked. Got emotionally drained and used as a pack mule by one of my first roommates. Had to wake up every five fucking minutes on weekend nights for my next roommate so they wouldn't choke on their vomit in their sleep from getting too wasted. Dropped out before the semester even ended because it was either that or I'd be suspended for my fucking grades; which is a stupid fucking thing to do to a fucking kid, does any one person on the face of this Earth actually realize how much I was ready to throw myself out of my dorm window every night for an entire fucking month? And why did everyone try to brush it off when I wanted to talk about it? I digress.

Things were bleak, if I'm being honest, I don't think it's gotten any better, I've just gotten better at fucking dealing with it. I don't get a job until I was 18 and I didn't get my license until I was 20. Thing I wanted when I was 16, but couldn't get because not a single person of authority in my life believed in me :) and they'll say I was lazy, they'll say it was my anxiety holding me back, but then... Why didn't anyone help me? If I was that anxious, why didn't anyone help? If I was that lazy, why didn't any question why I had no motivation and no goals and no dreams? Because they wanted me to be independent? Well, I want my time back for all of it that was wasted growing up slowly only to learn that no one that is supposed to help is going to and the only people I could actually depend on are the people who depend on me just as much. I'm so tired of being the shut-in "artist" my mom wants me to be what I don't like art half as much as she wants me to. I'm tired of being the quirky daughter who just hasn't gotten her footing yet. I'm tired of my sisters thinking they are helping me by telling me to do everything they they would do in my situation because that's not me. I don't want to move to New York with you, I don't want to be a daycare provider my while life when I don't like little kids that much, and I certainly don't want to plan out my next 20 years of schooling to do something I will probably hate! I'm tired of being talked for by my family to everyone who wants to know what I'm doing. I'm not fucking fine. I'm managing. I'm not fucking losing it. I'm surviving. I thought I'd be dead by now in the serious sense and every hour I wonder why I haven't ending it already because I don't feel like I'm supposed to be here anymore. I feel like a waste of oxygen.

Ok it's been an hour since I started writing this and I have to work tomorrow. This started as me trying to say that I want my 21st birthday to be better than, my other birthdays, which won't even be hard to do, but I know it won't be a good birthday anyway.

Goodnight.

#ryn shit

3 notes · View notes

adhd-hippie · 5 years

Text

Why I think Asexuals & Aromantics belong in the LGBTQIA community

1. We don’t have a choice. Those of us who identify as aspec in one way or another do not choose to feel this way.

2. We do face discrimination. I do acknowledge that asexual and aromantic people do not have the same history as gay and trans people nor do we suffer like the intersex community suffers (if you wanna talk fucked up let's talk about the idea that “corrective” surgery aka genital mutilation is still socially acceptable if a person is intersex).

We are however discriminated against, we avoid some discrimination because, for the most part, we’re able to pass. Yet passing is not the same as acceptance. The aspec community is a small community and so we’re largely unseen. We do however experience discrimination, for example, there are reports of corrective rape from asexuals and even though asexuality has been removed from the DSM-5 it requires self-identification to not be treated. This means that people who are asexual may be treated for a mental health disorder if they don’t state they’re asexual. That’s not good, especially considering that many people still don’t know what asexuality is. Not to mention that as a whole aspec people experience things like deterioration of relationships due to our identity, derogatory language, segregation, and bigotry.

3. We are an attribute to the LGBTQIA community. Our existence is a testament to the complexity of human sexuality and shouldn’t be ignored. Including aspec people can help foster conversations about attraction and how it is not something that people choose. Not to mention that more people participating and advocating for equal rights is always a good thing. Aspec people don’t want to take away from the LGBTQIA community we want to contribute to it.

4. We have always been around, we’re not new. Asexuality has been described historically in lots of ways and by lots of people from Kinsey and his group X, to activists in the 1970′s advocating for it as an accepted label. Aromanticism is somewhat newer but with the growing asexual visibility the understanding that romantic and sexual attraction can be experienced separately is just being explored. This doesn’t mean aromantics haven’t been around forever too. Think of the “confirmed bachelor” or “the spinster”.

5. Aspec people even if they’re heterosexual or heteroromantic are not straight. Straight people never have to come out, their sexual/romantic identity is never called into question, their feelings regarding sex and romance are commonly accepted and their identity needs no explanation. Aspec people don’t experience these privileges that’s why aspec people are not the same as straight people and the two shouldn’t be conflated.

6. Separate but equal is never equal. There are many people who believe that asexuals and aromantics should just create their own community apart from the LGBT community as they do not share their exact same experiences. We do have our own resources and are building our own community but we only make up 1% (asexuals) or less (aromantics) of the population and without help, we can’t do the things we need to do.

Again I fully acknowledge that the aspec community doesn’t experience the same degree of hate as the gay and trans communities but it doesn’t necessarily follow that we don’t need help. As mentioned before asexuality is still viewed by many as a mental health disorder and without clear self-identification can be treated as such. Basically, If you’re not completely happy with your asexuality you can be treated with therapy and drugs for something that isn’t actually a disorder.

Aromantics aren’t included in the DSM, but many anecdotal stories from aromantics show that the mental health community misunderstands aromanticism and views it as a disorder. How are we going to get the DSM to make a proper distinction between asexuality and sexual disorders and prevent aromantics from being treated for mental health issues related to their romantic feelings if there isn’t visibility, advocacy and funding for studies on these identities? How are 1% of people supposed to do these things on their own?

_______________________________________________________________

Personally, I don’t want to ever make it out like I’ve had it just as bad as my gay and trans friends. I haven’t, I know that. I have a trans friend who came out to their mom and is being deadnamed and misgendered DAILY, I have a lesbian friend who isn’t able to kiss their girlfriend at said girlfriend’s home because their girlfriend has to remain closeted for their safety. I have a friend who’s gay mom was ousted by their original church (luckily they found a new one and went with their church to pride this year) and I know a trans woman who was beaten up just last year for being “a man in a dress.”

I don’t share these experiences, I never could, but that doesn’t mean I’m not struggling. I’m in therapy because I don’t have a sense of belonging. I struggle to feel like I belong anywhere and part of that is because I’m aromantic and can’t relate to HUGE portions of modern human culture (love songs, movies with love stories, art, poetry, etc.). I’m not out to my parents because I don’t want to deal with their discrimination. Yes, I’m lucky I can pass but if you think passing isn’t limiting you’d be wrong.

I’m aromantic, not asexual, and because of my parent's judgment and the fact that I live with them for free going out and having the type of relationships I might be interested in isn’t possible. Furthermore, my identity isn’t understood even when I do come out. People pity me, think I’m some kind of sad-sack who’s incapable of human emotion, and most worrying of all I’m somewhat concerned that my therapist thinks I need to be treated for my aromanticism.

We’re all suffering and we’re all struggling to be understood by a largely ignorant majority who just doesn’t get it. I’m not here to take away from the LGBTQIA community I’m here to help! I have been fighting for years as an ally to bring to light the suffering of my queer friends. Now I’m here as a part of that community fighting even harder and even more passionately because the LGBTQIA community aren’t just friends, now they’re family.

_____________________________________________________________

*I didn’t include agender because I wasn’t sure if I should. If you’re agender could you please enlighten me, do you see yourself as part of the trans community/identity or not?

Links:

On asexuality in the DSM

http://www.asexualityarchive.com/asexuality-in-the-dsm-5/

On asexuality historically

https://www.jstor.org/stable/25771710?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents

https://www.kinseyinstitute.org/research/publications/kinsey-scale.php

Johnson, Myra T. (1977). Asexual and Autoerotic Women: Two Invisible Groups. The Sexually Oppressed. Gochros, Harvey L., Gochros, Jean S. New York: Association Press. ISBN 978-0809619153. OCLC 2543043.

On aspec discrimination

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/without-prejudice/201209/prejudice-against-group-x-asexuals

https://acelauren.wordpress.com/2017/02/24/arospecawarenessweek-day-6-amanormativity/

#aspec inclusion #asexual inclusion #aromantic inclusion #aspec pride #asexual pride #aromantic pride #asexual/aromantics are LGBTQIA #aros are lgbt #ace are lgbt

20 notes · View notes

fairycosmos · 5 years

Note

i wish i was in the hospital. i don’t feel important. i feel like i make everything so hard. and i feel so alone. i’ve been so closed off from the world for awhile, so i don’t have any friends and my family’s really fallen apart over time. i feel so stuck here. i’m so sad. i want to die but i don’t want to leave my mom, even though we don’t have a relationship and she’s never really home. i’m sadder than i’ve ever been. and i’m trying to start getting my life together but i don’t feel capable.

love :(( i'm so sorry to hear that. mental illness often makes us crave familiarity so that we see threat in the concept of change, blinding us to any thing good about it. your brain is automatically going to convince you right off the bat that there's no hope as a manipulation tactic, and it's going to use your emotional pain as 'proof' - when in reality nothing is set in stone, you're still adapting to a new situation and your inner turmoil is as intense as it's ever going to be. it's not a permanent state of mind, i promise. you don't have to believe me at the moment, and i'm not saying that the future will be perfect, but it will not be as bad as your mind is forcing you to believe. identifying these thoughts as pointless and self destructive is the first step towards discrediting them. i know it's a lot of work, i know you're tired. but even attempting is good enough. that's all anyone should ask of you. i want to say that it's truly okay for it to hurt, and to cry. processing that doesn't mean you're a hopeless case, or that nothing can be done for you. progress seriously doesn't have to be linear or overly obvious and every single day that you're surviving, you're subconsciously building the foundation of a more stable future. another concept to keep in mind is that of misplaced guilt - you don't make everything hard. you're dealing with a very real and upsetting illness. those around you aren't constantly judging you by the same standard you hold yourself to. you didn't ask for any of this and you're doing what you can with what you've been given to make it through. that counts for so fucking much. the fact that you are trying means you're deserving and admirable, and that some part of you has a bit of hope. even subconsciously you are aware of the potential in your life.

sadness and happiness are not necessarily always mutually exclusive, no matter how much it seems like they are. moments of warmth and relief are genuinely inevitable, youre not an exception to that. and things always return to a middle ground once you give yourself the time to adapt and grow with your circumstances. i get that these words seem meaningless at the moment - i just honestly believe there is so much waiting for you. it doesn't have to be big or immediately life changing. just the natural continuation of your existence is going to offer you peace and perspective in more ways than one. anyways, i totally feel you about the not having friends thing. it's lonely and disorienting, and it can fuck with your perception of yourself because you don't have anyone to make you feel real. but it's more common to go through phases of solitude than you realize. it's not an indicator of your worth or what you deserve. it doesn't dictate the way your life always going to be. it's just the way circumstances work out after a long time away, or after you've isolated yourself (on purpose or otherwise). there's no rush, and reconnection can be achieved at your own pace, in your own way. people will walk in and out of your life when you least expect it and it will never ever ever be a reflection of your significance. i mean it. having a support network is important but it doesn't have to be ideal to be effective. i know you said your relationship with your mum isn't great, but do you think she'd be receptive to an honest conversation about your needs? or even just being home more, if you brought it up to her? if it's a long shot then forget it, but if it's an option......it might do you good to set some boundaries n get it all off your chest. it can feel embrarassing to talk about what hurts but that's a learned shame, it's not substantial. you cant control her behaviour or how she reacts, and those factors will always be her responsibility alone, but you can control how you choose to communicate. as an alternative, maybe you could get in touch with your other family members or any professionals who are still in your life? maybe even a support group or a teacher if you're of that age? there are also countless mental health hotlines available and they can honestly help - you don't have to reveal personal information, and you're in charge of the call. these are all just choices to consider, no pressure. knowing you have that to fall back on and that you are not as isolated as you feel, could really make a difference. because i promise, people understand. people have been where you are, and many still are. you don't have to handle this as if you're on your own.

are you still getting help or seeing a professional on a consistent basis? if so, maybe you could talk to them about how you're feeling, about slowing the process down so you have time to get used to life outside the hospital. it's ok to say what you want and to speak your mind. that's how you stop feeling so trapped, by continuing to give yourself what you need, even in the smallest of ways. i promise from the bottom of my heart that you are important and that the only one who can't see it is you. in times of stress or change, mental illness will try to convince you of all sorts, because it does not thrive off of progress and communication, both of which are in store for you. it's completely normal to be scared and to not have everything figured out. life only makes sense backwards, yeah? so give yourself the time and tools to live the solutions to your current worries. temporary breakdowns don't negate all od your process and there is nothing wrong with feeling negative emotions, as long as you try cope with them in a healthy way. even if that's just by lying in bed and holding yourself back. you are capable, and of course you don't feel like you are yet, but time will prove so much. i hate to sound as cheesy as this, but it's just the truth. look, you don't have to be happy all the time to make improvements. your current goal should just be to live with your mental illness, to be able to recognise and counteract harmful patterns or behaviours to engage in, and to look for support anywhere it's available. ultimately i understand it feels impossible to believe any of it when the sadness is just crushing. some days are like that, and i'm sorry because you deserve better. i'm also just hyper aware of the fact that i can see what your illness is preventing you from seeing - and that is that time is going to reassure you about most of your worries, and your perspective is not permanent especially if you're seeking treatment, which you have been. i believe in you with all my soul and i really hope you know that im rooting for you!! if you'd like to talk about this properly or you need a friend, please just let me know. you're not alone, and i'll be here. take it a day at a time, or an hour at a time if that seems like too much. sending love.

#anon #:(((#long post

7 notes · View notes