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waitmyturtles · 7 months

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THE MORNING AFTER: ONLY FRIENDS, EPISODE 7 ("YOU GOT TO KNOW WHEN TO HOLD 'EM / KNOW WHEN TO FOLD 'EM") EDITION

Whew, baby. Well, I found this episode particularly brutal.

I've been noodling this week on the following theme: the mundanity of toxicity. The everyday-ness of bad in people. I think this episode captured this well (cc @lurkingshan, @neuroticbookworm, and @bengiyo, who all got a little preview of this thinking).

But I caught some other themes in this episode, too, which I'll quickly hit and list:

2) The elements of life, and 3) Gambling.

As a devoted meta writer, writing about Only Friends is hard. Because: I want to think that there's a lot more to what I'm seeing. I am certainly missing cinematic references that Jojo and team are making (I haven't watched Queer As Folk, for instance). Mew's face popping out of the bathtub? That has me wondering if I'm missing a cinematic reference there.

But at the same time, I wonder if by just observing the Only Friends crew, that I'm picking up on enough. When I was in my twenties, living in New York City, going to college...I was still trying to figure people out. I was absolutely SURROUNDED by people, and I couldn't help but think, everyday -- what is it that makes these people tick?

And I found myself regularly shocked at how mean people were. Very often, I'd just be like -- what the actual fuck, why are you trying so hard to be a massive dick? And, who knows -- maybe people were thinking the same thing about me.

That was when I was young. I just -- I didn't know that much about people. Really, what I didn't know -- and what I really NEEDED to know, and what I learned about myself in that decade and the next -- was how to manage myself around anybody, so as to preserve myself from any unpredictable pain that might come from someone else. In other words... I needed to fucking grow up.

Part of that self-management was trying on identities. Could I fake being a stronger person? Sure, I definitely tried. I tried with clothes, with new slang, with trying new activities, with drinking. That's just normal for a lass in their twenties.

The Only Friends crew -- they are assholes. Many of them were trying on change a couple of weeks ago. Mew experienced a HUGE identity shift during this episode.

But what they all embody to me, in this moment in their lives, is a kind of everyday toxicity -- a self-absorbed perspective, so tunneled internally into each and every one of them, that none of them are realizing that the energy they put out is colliding and having effects on others.

Like -- it's kind of shocking and twisted to watch. But when I think about it, when I remember what it was like to be in a huge city and to be in college and post-college: there's a part of me that remembers being CONSTANTLY surprised that people were just massive jerks, everyday, and again, who knows -- I think people likely thought that I was a jerk, too, for thinking of myself and leading myself with my life.

People, most people, grow out of these stages, as they get older, get more experienced in their years, maybe get more political in their dealings with others. I can't condemn this group of university students fully, as I hold hope (I'm a mom, damn it) that they'll grow into more fully robust and empathic people. But they ain't there yet. I'm not sure my turning stones gives me more insight to them than in relating to my own experiences as a former twentysomething. It has me thinking, as someone who loves turning those stones in my beloved dramas.

That all being said. Those two other themes in this episode have me thinking -- the elements of life and gambling.

We saw Mew play with fire (fucking finally, my man). And we saw lots of water -- water in the pool, water in the tub with Sand and Ray.

Water puts out fire. Mew tries to fake-drown (lol) Boston in the pool. Later on, Mew lets Boston know that he (Mew) can take Boston down, but won't. Mew is trying to control the fires that he's lit, and the ones that have already been burning.

My question to Mew is: do you know how to do what you are doing, or what you want to do?

I don't quite think so, and I think that "Welcome to Las Vegas" shirt he was wearing at Boston's house indicated as much.

(Uh, first of all, chain life, Book! MORE, MORE!)

Mew has decided to become a gambler. Let's think of all the metaphors! Mew has decided to roll the dice and possibly move past the pass line. He's decided to play his odds. He even STACKED his odds -- going to a new gay bar, enticing Drake Gap, going back to Gap's place, stealing the sex tape from Gap's computer, threatening Gap with reporting him for a crime, going to BOSTON'S HOUSE, TALKING TO BOSTON'S DAD, showing Boston the copy of the sex tape, THREATENING BOSTON, MAKING BOSTON BEG, showing MORAL SUPERIORITY OVER BOSTON, throwing the flash drive at Boston, and walking away. Like, if that were a metaphor for actually playing craps, first of all, lol, the pit guy would check Mew's ID, get him a players' card, and encourage him to move to the high limits room, being like, WHAT is this motherfucker DOING, but we want him doing more of it, he'll make us more money -- once he starts fucking things up.

Mew's trying on a new identity. He already was on the road to it, getting that LASIK for Top. He's just continuing to move forward with it. He's going to play with nastiness, but still try to come out on Top.

Trying on new identities. It is so normal when you're young -- I did that. Trying on what fits for whatever reason you are feeling at that moment -- if you're rebounding, if you're healing, if you're bored. Mew is embarrassed, maybe even ashamed, maybe even regretful that his first relationship ended up as a failure.

And now he's figuring out how to recover -- by taking a gamble, and playing with the exact same mundane, everyday nastiness that he's seen in everyone around him.

P.S. Ephemerality and permanence? That fire burned the memory that Top tried to create with Mew (cc @twig-tea and @lurkingshan here). And, gambling? SO ephemeral. Buh-bye, money and pride. Ray switching back and forth between Mew and Sand? Ephemeral crushitude. (SAND. SMDH. I KNOW RAY'S DAD SAID SOMETHING TO YOU, BUT STILL, SMDH.) Nick turning on Boston. Boston begging Mew to hold back on the permanent impact of the sex tape on Boston's dad's career.

And the ephemerality of movement: the clothes in this episode said it all. Las Vegas, NYC, Stanford. These young folks can just... disappear if they want to. And they just might.

(G'DAY, EPHEMERALITY SQUAD! @ranchthoughts @slayerkitty @distant-screaming @twig-tea @neuroticbookworm @lurkingshan @clara-maybe-ontheroad @thatgirl4815 @chickenstrangers @wen-kexing-apologist)

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ltstrikesback · 12 days

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TLDR: Monkey Man was so beautiful and so much more than meets the eye.

Spoilers below/me being mildly pretentious:

As someone who has not gone to the movies to see anything other than queer films lately, my girlfriend got us tickets to Monkey Man. She practices jujutsu and likes John Wick and thought this movie would be similar.

I am a huge Dev Patel fan, though, when I saw the trailer before a viewing of Love Lies Bleeding, I figured I might not actually end up seeing it. I didn’t think I was the target audience. I also don’t love action heavy, guns blasting movies in theaters themselves because it’s a bit sensory overload for me. I felt myself make a mental note to watch it on streaming and already forgetting to do so. Flash forward to me and my partner in the theater and I was in awe.

This movie is about a small village who is violently forced off their land so the elite can build a factory. Dev Patel’s character—Kid—is a child the day the village is expelled. He witnesses his mother’s murder and years later seeks revenge on the man who killed her. When he fails to enact his revenge, he finds himself in a city wide man hunt, ending with him falling into a river, drowning. But he is saved! By a small community of hijra—trans women—who live in a temple nearby.

Walking into this movie I didn’t expect social commentary or politics. I anticipated a Rocky type movie, contained to the story of one individual’s hero’s journey. (People keep mentioning John Wick as a comparison. I just mentioned it in this very post but I haven’t actually seen it for the record.) Monkey Man is specifically not about one individual or one individual’s revenge. This was my takeaway. The message we see over and over is that there are things in this life bigger than ourselves. It is literally impossible to save yourself by yourself—you need community.

I’ll take a step back now to acknowledge that I am not sure how familiar everyone is with current politics in India. I myself have limited insight but have friends who are personally affected by the current climate. There is a strong wave towards Hindu nationalism under PM Modi. It’s yet another instance of what feels like the whole world turning to fascism. The movie uses real clips from real instances of social clashes to paint the landscape of this fictional city. Also, I was reading into the backstory and potential censorship of this film and learned the villain’s colors were originally orange, not red. A clear parallel to the current Hindu nationalism at hand. There are clips of crowds attacking trans people. There are boos at the mention of Muslims and Christians. There are scapegoats in this film that are intentionally pulled from real life.

Now to jump back in—I have to say I was completely moved by the entire sequence at the temple. The temple is dedicated to Ardhanarishvara—a god who is part woman and part man. The hijra community has found a home here, albeit on the outskirts of society. The leader tells Kid, “no one will come looking for you here.” Their status in society protects him in a serendipitous way. They are also the ones that nourish him and help him train for his next mission. Not only that, but we see this community smile, laugh, flirt, and fight. I loved the scene with Kid and the drummer, with the girls cat calling him from afar (same). It was so tender to see trans joy, even in mundanity, amidst persecution.

When Kid has self-actualized and essentially is Hanuman, the part monkey God the movie is named after, he takes on the political elites. There is a moment he is surrounded by bodyguards in this hotel sequence. He’s outnumbered and out comes our hijra fam to the rescue. They take down these men. And it is so fucking amazing. I mean, really, it’s so fucking amazing to see them fight for themselves, for each other and be the hero.

To wrap up, I also wanted to touch on the fight sequences’ production. I mentioned I don’t really like fight scenes because I get sensory overload but the music in this film resolved this issue for me. It wasn’t pure screams or gunshots. There was a really fun soundtrack that added a great twist to the film. Kind of reminds me when they break out electric guitars in Chinese historical dramas. Just another thing about this movie that really worked. At least for me personally.

Last thought—my take away is not necessarily to say “put Dev Patel in everything” which is happening in the online discourse. (There’s a weird opposite-of-cancel-culture thing that happens sometimes where audiences obsess and then forget about actors or artists. Idk.) Rather: let this man do whatever he wants. Give him your funding, give him your resources! He should not have to kill himself to tell his stories!

*Sigh* my heart has been so full since watch this. A huge shout out to Dev and his team.

#monkey man #dev patel #I could go on #but this is tumblr mobile

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rivetgoth · 10 months

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2020s Industrial/EBM & Friends

Hi all! I decided to go ahead and make a Spotify playlist of current artists in the industrial/EBM [and adjacent] scene. I am very tired of stumbling onto countless threads of people saying that industrial music is "dead." It is in fact currently experiencing an incredible booming renaissance! So here is a place where one could hopefully get started.

The requirements for this playlist are simply

Must be within the industrial/EBM scene or close enough to count by my own standards. Trying to avoid anything too far off, so keeping "sibling" genres to a minimum (for example, darkwave or aggrotech), but obviously the genre has evolved very much over the decades and there is still plenty of fusion and diversity in sound!

Must have released new music since 2020 or onwards. This playlist is a combination of older artists who are continuing to release new music (such as PIG and IAMX) as well as brand new artists who have just begun their career with debut EPs (such as Normal Bias and FUEDAL). The only requirement is making new music from 2020 to present; this isn't about new bands per se, just currently active ones. I would like to keep updating this playlist as time goes on and more artists release new work, but that may end up being a time commitment larger than I can promise, so no guarantee on that. But hopefully!

One song per band. This is just to keep things consistent. I wanted to pick a song for each band that's either somewhat popular so as to give an idea of what they're doing that's catching people's attention, and/or a personal preference of my own that I think is cool and worth checking out, lol. Order doesn't matter at all, you can shuffle it as much as you like.

While artists from all backgrounds are featured and I want to make an active effort not to tokenize, I did try to include a wide range of diverse artists, with numerous artists of color, female artists, queer artists, neurodivergent artists, etc on this list.

A few other preemptive Q&As:

"[x] band I like isn't on here!"

I am absolutely, 100% confident I have missed more bands than I can even fathom, this is a massive genre and this playlist is in no way whatsoever meant to be comprehensive. I definitely want this playlist to continue to evolve over time. I also admittedly may have not included a band because I just don't really personally care for them enough, or because I didn't feel like they quite fit the sound I was thinking of here. Feel free to send me an ask if you feel like I'm missing something important, and even if I'm not huge on a band, if it seems like they're high in demand I might add them for posterity, lol.

"[x] band isn't real industrial"

Again, this genre has evolved massively since its formation in the 70s. We all know that. I don't really care about splitting hairs too much when it comes to genres; I'm basing this on the scene as it's currently evolved, the community surrounding it (including who these bands play with and the festivals booking them), the cited inspirations and self identification of the bands themselves, and if I personally would be able to sleep at night if I called them industrial in casual conversation, LMAO. I also consider fusion genres a very important part of the life and evolution of a genre, so industrial hip hop, industrial metal, and the likes all make some appearances.

"Spotify sucks"

Yeah. Agreed entirely, cannot argue with you there. But this is the easiest avenue I know of to make a decent, accessible playlist for a wide variety of listeners. Please do check out these artists offsite, follow them on Bandcamp or their other social media sites, buy their music and merch, etc. Unfortunately this also means that many artists who are not on Spotify aren't featured here, which sucks, since there are some absolutely amazing industrial bands coming out of Bandcamp right now who deserve recognition. Here is a link to the "industrial" tag on Bandcamp if you want to dive deeper.

Hopefully at least a few people can get something out of this!!

#industrial #industrial music #ebm

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teaah-art · 11 months

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Desi LGBT Fest 2023 (hosted by @desi-lgbt-fest)

Day 7 : Faith/Rituals of Love

Definitely geared heavily towards the 'Faith' part of this prompt as soon as I read it!

If being Queer is defying conventions and if being a part of the Queer community means going against heteronormativity and gender conformity, is it not Queer to forego materialistic ties and the love of a human partner and embrace the love of a greater being you have only heard about in stories?

All four individuals featured here were integral part of the Bhakti Movement and/or Sufism in South Asia. None were married other than Meerabai.

(Panel order from top to bottom)

Chaitanya Mahaprabhu (1486-1534) : A key name of the Bhakti Movement and the Gauriya Vaishnav tradition in 15th Century Bengal, Chaitanya Mahaprabhu was believed to have been a vessel for both Radha and Krishna. Bengali doesn't use pronouns or gendered language and we may never know what they would have preferred to be identified as in a language they didn't know (English), I will simply resort to using They/Them for them. Their written teachings are few and far between but the verse mentioned here is the seventh verse of the only written record of their teachings, the Shikshastakam - a collection of 8 total verses. The translation here is my own and quite literal so that the interpretation is left to the reader.

Meerabai (1498-1597) : [CW : IMPLIED QUEERPHOBIA/APHOBIA] Meerabai was born into Rajput royalty and was married off, also to Rajput royalty, in likely an arranged marriage. While most of the stories surrounding her are folklore whose historicity is yet to be confirmed, her marital status can be confirmed, and so can her devotion and affection for Krishna and the divine, which she has herself penned in numerous poems and songs. Folklore does strongly imply that she was non-committal to her marriage and that her in-laws tried to poison her to death multiple times for it.

Kabir (1398–1448 or 1440–1518) : Found as an orphan by a Muslim weaver couple, Kabir's religion grew to become somewhat of an enigma for future generations. His stance, however, on the topic romance and marital relationships is quite clear - he looked down upon them and a huge chunk of his couplets strongly imply that romantic and sexual relations simply obstruct spiritual enlightenment.

Bulleh Shah (1680-1757) : Bulleh Shah, though an ardent proponent of loving the divine, was declared a Kafir, a non-believer/non-Muslim by a quite a few Muslim clerics of the time. He was known for speaking up against existing power hierarchies of the time and used vernacular speech for his writings (Punjabi, Sindhi) which not only served to popularize his works, but also let people connect to his words.

A personal note on my motivations under the cut.

A while back when I was actively going through the anxiety of finding out that I am ace and that I will never fit into the current South Asian society that the wedding industry has a chokehold on, I desperately wanted to see people from my own culture living happily without a partner. During one of my history rabbit hole escapedes, I restumbled upon the story of Meerabai, how she always insisted on loving and devoting herself towards Krishna, despite being married into a normative and wealthy household and despite her in-laws repeatedly attempting to poison her for not committing to her husband. Most of us from India grow up hearing about Meerabai, her spiritual connections to Krishna, and her struggles. The moral of those stories is always framed as 'believe in god, he will help you through tough times'. But this was the first time I was making a different connection, I was drawing different morals. And when I took Meerabai's non-conformity to her married life and started looking for more examples like hers, I was overwhelmed by how many more individuals existed without a partner, condemned being in a normative, married relationship, admitted to having lost human connections and faced resistance even, and yet stayed true to their orientation and sounded HAPPY! It was extremely hard to narrow it down to these four, but these do make my point! Labels are hard to transpose across cultures and history. But if being queer means being nonconforming of marital structures and being aspec/arospec implies neutrality, indifference, or aversion to romance and intercourse, then no one fits the label if they don't.

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gerrydelano · 26 days

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i need to catch up on your fics but i am chin hands about trans fem gerry. i remember you talking about it before but id love to hear any new or updated thoughts :0

some of it would be spoilers for the PBR epilogue so i'm going to keep that to myself until then, but! ultimately i just was thinking about the fact that he uses she/her pronouns and enters Girl Mode in his happiest moments, his most intimate and vulnerable moments with people he trusts to love him, and what that says about his actual state of being outside of those moments. it means he's not fully happy or comfortable, there's something holding him back, which i've gathered is a fairly common feeling.

he's still got an attachment to being A Son specifically it's just rooted in his being but look me in the eyes and tell me that ever made him feel safe in his own body or head or surroundings. y'know? there's spoiler territory there with that part of the discussion though so heehee.

(not that long i just don't want everything stretching the dash where i might not be able to edit it later)

i do think she's always going to identify himself as a fag though which is also pretty common because things are more complicated than they are binary and he's always a color wheel understander. his gender is faglady but realistically her gender is also just nothing you could comprehend if you're not open to contradiction. you can't expect him to fit into neat little boxes, she just won't do it, it's not anybody else's business but his.

so. transfem gay man is probably still where he's at in general at this point in time in my writing but as time has gone on his egg has increasingly cracked lol it's just a matter of like... what's going on in his life, who she's with, how safe he feels being herself. as of right now, she saves herself for tim and tim is nothing but reverent about it and i could go ON about how her sex life goes hand in hand with her gender but i don't want to flood the dash with BDSM discussion LOL even though i have thoughts for MILES about it. i talked a bit about it in the link above iirc. it's incredibly soft and meaningful and also, crucially, sexy. but mostly it just makes her feel so incredibly safe and desired and respected and these are all things that were previously missing from her life in such a huge way, like.

look at his life. look at the life he's lived and tell me he's ever been fully happy playing the role he was put in. the expectations his mother had of him, that gertrude had of him, the way he was expected to obey and sacrifice and even hurt people at times because that's just how the world works, right.

well, he's never wanted to participate in that way of living! and he only did it as a survival mechanism because where else could he go but always come back home to mary and her dreams for him which were always just an extension of herself, he was nothing to her but an extension of herself and her wants and her beliefs and he was anything but that, even when he tried to blend in. half the time he measures his life from injury to injury. his whole life felt like nothing but punishment and for a long time he wouldn't even know what for.

it can be such a transgender narrative if you look at it. the repression that he'd have had to deal with is insane even if you look at how loud and proud he is about his sense of style (which is extremely queer in and of itself.)

and i also just do not buy transmasc gerry i'm so sorry you can absolutely have that HC if you want and i will not attack you for it but look at him. listen to him. and also remember that eric, who died when gerry was 2 years old, referred to him as his son. sorry but that to me says he's amab because He Was Un Bebe. also in what WORLD would mary be a supportive parent to a trans kid. she literally insists on calling him by his full birth name that he DOESN'T LIKE BEING CALLED; classic trans thing! he canonly has a PREFERRED name. a preferred androgynous name!

it just makes more sense to me that he's transfem. i don't believe he has a desire to be all that traditionally masculine. he literally is so gnc in canon and his whole life just reads to me as "person who did not get the chance to fully embrace themselves because everything was just too damn hard." i also enjoy depicting people transitioning later in life, because it's never too late! it's NEVER too late to embrace who you are and work out who you've wanted to be for a long time.

i think he still lives in ambiguity and grey areas and blindspots. it may not have even occurred to him that she wanted to transition until later in life anyway because life never slowed the fuck down for him enough to let himself ask the questions! but he knew he wanted his hair long. he paints his nails. he wears eyeliner and dangly jewelry and alt clothes and yeah, cis people can do that, but it's also a way to flag! a very strong way of flagging! these are all the things that felt right to him in canon and no one stays that alt into their thirties without a little bit of gender going on somewhere in the mix, be serious, y'know? g-d. i'm so invested forever in gerry's gender jfhbnkjn.

he doesn't like labels, he really doesn't. and she might not ever call herself a woman as much as a lady in particular but she likes the phrases "good girl" and "princess" in bed, she likes being seen as feminine in comparison to a partner, she has feminine preferences. she would probably use more reclaimed slurs to refer to herself than i'm comfortable just tossing around but like, a lot of people prefer those as identifiers than "man" or "woman" like i refer to myself as a fag dyke all the time and it's more affirming to me than trying to decide if i'm a trans guy or if i'm a butch dyke At All Times. gender can be complicated! i think it IS complicated for gerry at the moment with his baggage but i imagine if he were ever able to really let go of that baggage, she'd be a very different, happier person. i think she would like it to be simpler sometimes. she treats it simply even if other people might not be able to. she's really calm about all of it, and even as it changes, it just makes her confidence grow. really comes down to the people she's surrounded by and the opportunities that she manages to grab a hold of in terms of finally letting herself just be. and i just think the results of it are really gorgeous.

anyway transfem gerry truther forever

#asks #wytchcore #f slur #ronologues #more like just an infodump but yeah

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ineffabeatlemindpalace · 2 months

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How Our Flag Means Death impacted my life

It’s been said so many times but the impact this to show has had on me is beyond comprehension. I am still living in the aftermath. Every day, I cannot grasp my luck of finding it and loving it. Hyperfixation or not, it’s been a while so I conclude it is safe to be put as a special interest by now; to care so much about something that makes you feel good and understood, is utterly important to have, I have realised.

My experiences in other, different, fandoms on Twitter as a teenager, have been very different and I guess it has something to do with growing up and learning more about yourself as much as it has to do without approach and handling of it all – we are all here for this show and we are damn grateful for its existence. We do not take it for granted and so we lovingly create more art and thereby put more love into the world. Isn’t this what life is all about? Adding care and love.

Coming back to my point, ever since starting to watch Our Flag Means Death, I have had this inner sense of calm inside of me, which I never had before.

It is hard to explain but I did notice that my sensory issues, especially misophonia, have been less of a problem. And that is huge. There is one noise source in particular, which is the fridge, if you want to know, but it can be triggered by anything, and I have been struggling with this for many years… There only has to be some trigger, such as the wind howling too strongly or any other sound, really, and I feel like the world is going to collapse because every thing gets too loud and too much.

Now, for a few months, it hasn’t been like that. It was almost scary at first due to the unfamiliarity of the absence of, well, mental pain…

Regarding the show’s successful portrayal of queerness – yes, that has been life–changing for me as well.

I have identified as nonbinary as long as I can think. I vividly remember this specific moment from my childhood when I was sitting there, on my own, thinking, I do not feel like a girl, I do not feel like any gender, I just feel like myself. It’s a strange memory to have but it was so vivid that I treasure how it stuck with me.

When I was a teenager, I never had any romantic, God forbid sexual, interest, except for the occasional crush on a boy or girl, which naturally made me conclude that I was bi or pan. As of today, I am still not feeling any of these attractions. However, as I explain in this post, some kind of attractions have been felt. One thing is clear, if I do feel anything beyond, it would be for any gender.

The show basically says, whatever, we’re all queer, and that is so beautiful and validating to me because my family and other surroundings are so heteronormative that I often question my validity and worth.

There have barely ever been other queer people in my immediate surroundings, which means that acceptance or even understanding is not something that I would expect.

In hindsight, this is a big part of why I always struggled with confidence and self-love.

There is a lot I could write about my family history but I will just shorten it to, I did grow up without a father from the age of 7 and my relationship with him is rather torn.

I am so moved by how they decided to give Ed and Stede these backstories regarding their relationship with their fathers and families and portray these issues in such a delicate and serious manner and how they can impact your whole life.

I am thankful for how serious they have taken all of these things.

These are characters that have experienced similar difficult upbringings and are struggling with the consequences into their adulthood.

I have never gotten an official diagnosis but from my childhood experiences and later struggles in life it is safe to say that I am neurodivergent. The relationship with my mother is very difficult as well, which definitely played a part in how I never understood that some of my behaviour and so on was a result of being different in that way instead of deliberate. During my childhood and teenage years, there have been instances of different kinds of abuse, however I will not elaborate further.

These struggles are always individual and personal but I will just say that I do suffer from the fear of being abandoned and yes, it makes maintaining relationships, such as friendships, challenging.

Because you constantly feel like you do not deserve anyone caring about you or enjoying your company. Genuinely, I have never believed this.

Even if I have learned to like myself more and be confident in my abilities. I still feel like a burden whenever I am with someone else. It doesn’t go away. Part of it is due to struggling with social cues as well as the general preference of being alone.

And I do enjoy my own company. But it would be nice to one day find someone I can fully trust and freely share my thoughts with.

Basically, what Ed and Stede have found in each other… and I guess what makes them so different to other ships is not only that they are actually a canon couple but the way they are so natural and gentle with each other?!

They accept each other wholeheartedly.

They see each other in such a genuine way… unconditionally. Not without hardships but always with such a willingness to make it better, to keep fighting, continue to live for the sake of love and love only.

Another serious struggle has been my eating disorder (anorexia) which (along with overexercising) lead me to have secondary amenorrhea for many years, which in turn, was a very blissful thing for me due to gender reasons. A big thing that has happened shortly after discovering the show has been my period coming back. My reaction was denial, then anger, then determination that I would not let this bring me down…

The show did ground me in that emotionally, I have handled it, somehow, and carried on.

I am so thankful for it all and much, much more.

There is so much to say and never enough words to express my gratitude. This show means something different to everyone. Everyone finds bits and pieces in it which make them feel the same kind of appreciation and love and this is just my share.

If you’ve made it to the end, thank you, dear reader. Sending you a warm hug, if that’s alright with you.

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emotionallychargedtowel · 1 year

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Pursuer-distancer roles and attachment style in Utsukushii Kare Part 2: Kiyoi

As you can tell from the title, this is the second part of an exploration of pursuer-distancer themes in Utsukushii Kare. The first post, about Hira, is here. A broader post explaining pursuer and distancer roles, connecting them with the seme/uke trope, and giving some examples from BLs is here.

I’m going to start with something that loops back into the Hira part of things. I mentioned in my last post that just choosing Kiyoi as a love object acted as a way for Hira to avoid intimacy while seeking it at the same time. But something unexpected happened: against what would seem like huge odds, Kiyoi did return Hira’s feelings. Why is that? There are a few reasons. Kiyoi wasn’t just any beautiful, popular boy. He was someone who:

Had a deep (if largely hidden) need to feel loved, combined with a difficulty trusting people who profess to love him. In order to overcome his skepticism and let down his guard, Kiyoi requires something more than your typical adolescent crush—he needs something stronger. The intense, loyal, even obsessive love that Hira offers is thus almost irresistible.

Felt a secret kinship with Hira due to his sexuality. Sidebar: Neither character ever explicitly voices a sexual orientation. Hira’s is a bit ambiguous as Kiyoi is the only person he’s ever felt attracted to. For various reasons I should hold off on getting into here for space reasons, I’m convinced that Kiyoi is gay, self-aware about that fact, and likely was from a comparatively young age. So as I see it, Kiyoi sees Hira as someone with whom he shares a queer identity. Due to his outcast status in high school, Hira seems to act as a kind of shadow self to Kiyoi. Even though Hira’s treatment by peers isn’t due to his sexuality, he could represent what Kiyoi thinks his social status would be if others learned his secret. That connection may also have fueled some of Kiyoi’s (covert) attempts to protect Hira from bullying (while outwardly aligning himself with the bullies).

Ended up being cast out from the popular group for quite some time, creating an opportunity for Hira to bond with him and vice versa.

If Kiyoi had been the person he appeared to be on the surface when Hira first met him—a more boring, average version of himself—he would have been much less likely to be able to return Hira’s feelings. Luckily for Hira, he was much more complex.

Kiyoi is a textbook distancer in some ways, but more complicated in others. The reasons for his distancing strategies are abundantly clear if you give any thought to his backstory. In the S1E5 intro, he describes growing up as a lonely latchkey kid with a single mom, followed by a drastic improvement in his life when his mother remarried, then by feeling abandoned when his younger half-siblings were born and he was (from his perspective, at least) forgotten. The change in his parents’ treatment of him once his half-siblings arrived must have felt like a betrayal. It’s easy to imagine a young Kiyoi blaming himself for having trusted them and resolving not to do so easily in the future. At the same time, his appearance has always brought him attention and made superficial friendships easy to come by. Kiyoi doesn’t trust these sorts of friends and often feels used by them, and these relationships must be rendered even more hollow by the fact that he can’t be open about his identity within them. By the time he gets to know Hira, Kiyoi seems like he’s been waiting to find someone who shares this with him for years. So if you put all of this together, you have someone who:

desperately wants to be loved and connect with others,

just as desperately wants to believe, and wants others to believe, that he has no need for intimacy,

has an extremely hard time trusting people,

is constantly surrounded by friends he doesn’t trust,

is constantly receiving declarations of love from people who don’t know anything about him, many of them members of a gender category that holds no attraction for him,

and hasn’t experienced much, if any, authentic connection with other people in years.

In some ways, he was even worse off than Hira when they first met.

When I say that Kiyoi wants to believe and for others to believe he doesn’t have a need for intimacy, this is the core of why and how he takes on the role of a distancer. Even without his other challenges, he had to distance himself from others in so many areas of his life in order to keep his sexuality a secret and avoid messy situations with girls. But it’s much deeper than that. His attachment style appears to be dismissing (a.k.a. avoidant). This makes a lot of sense given his upbringing. People with dismissing attachment have had formative experiences in which showing their need for attention and love led to negative outcomes. It’s easy to see how Kiyoi’s history dovetails with this.

In Attachment in Psychotherapy, David Wallin writes that one subgroup of people with dismissing attachment styles have a “devaluing pattern” in which they want to see themselves as special but denigrate others. The quote below is long but it applies so well to Kiyoi that I couldn’t stand to leave any of it out:

[People with this dismissing style] have learned to shield themselves from their unmet needs and angry frustration by thinking too well of themselves and too badly of others. Over time, however, the illusions of specialness that protect and comfort these patients can prove an increasingly hollow substitute for love. Yet genuine intimacy risks exposing the feelings of dependent longing and anger which their parents could not tolerate. Consequently, their response to a potentially intimate relationship is akin to that of a starving man at a banquet who tells himself the food isn’t good enough and therefore refuses to eat.…the self-generated propaganda about their perfection and—still more so—our imperfection provides them with (a very prickly kind of) protection from shame.

Kiyoi definitely seems very motivated by trying to avoid shame. And although he increasingly succeeds at being recognized as special through his profession, it’s also true that he is learning firsthand that this is no substitute for real closeness.

By the way, this attachment style may sound narcissistic. And there’s some similarity there. But I don’t think Kiyoi is a narcissist. While preoccupied with how others see him, he isn’t grandiose. He doesn’t show any of the lack of empathy or exploitative behavior we’d expect of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It may look that way at times during high school, but he doesn’t initiate bullying. Rather, he created an appearance of friendship with bullies that is largely strategic. Tellingly, he doesn’t engage in the same type of behavior once he leaves that environment. The devaluing pattern described by Wallin is a much better fit. I gave some more thought to Kiyoi’s personality and while he, like most of us, has characteristics of a number of types, my take on his most central type is that he’s actually a depressive type, like Hira, even though they manifest this in very different ways.

In her discussion of depressive clients’ tendencies in therapy, McWilliams writes that they “are subject to the chronic belief that the therapist’s concern and respect would vanish if he or she really knew them.” This seems to be Kiyoi’s fear across all of his relationships. When he fails to win the contest in season 1 and is rejected by his former friends, he says, “The moment they found out I wasn’t special, everyone left me. But…not [Hira].” That phrasing is important (at least, if the translation is accurate). He doesn’t say they think he’s not special, but that they “found out” he isn’t, as if this has always been true.

By the way, if I were an old-school Freudian I might point out that another word for depressive personality in psychoanalysis is “oral type,” and that it’s tied to oral fixations. An oral fixation isn’t some kind of sex thing (at least, not necessarily). It involves a strong interest not only in sources of oral stimuli, including eating and drinking, but also things that are associated with mothers, babies, boobs, and so forth. Kiyoi’s new habit (as of S2E1) of opening his mouth, baby bird style, to get Hira to feed him is totally consistent with this. It not only involves a nice oral stimulus, it also puts Hira in a motherly role. It’s especially telling that one of these occasions happens outside the bingsoo (?) shop immediatley after Kiyoi overhears some girls talking about how attractive Hira is. That timing is not a coincidence. I’m not an old-school Freudian and I don’t normally put a lot of stock in the “oral fixation” thing, but it’s actually a remarkably good fit here.

Circling back to the pursuer-distancer part of the picture, Hira initially makes it fairly easy for Kiyoi to distance himself. His pursuit of Kiyoi is so strange and oddly passive and makes few demands of him other than tolerating things like his constant stare. At that point, Hira didn’t presume to seek out contact with Kiyoi much. He stayed in the background. But this actually isn’t enough pursuit for Kiyoi. The balance is off. He can’t get his needs met while disavowing his need for intimacy unless Hira pursues harder and/or more effectively.

This issue gets a lot more clear once Hira and Kiyoi are actually together. The exchange shown below, which happens when Hira hesitates to attend the party full of models and actors, is emblematic of all of this. (It’s also really entertaining, so it’s no wonder it’s been making the rounds on here a lot in screenshot and gif form--speaking of which, thank you to @xnoel for letting me borrow your screenshots!)

This is classic distancer stuff. In essence, the message is, “Ugh, quit chasing me. Wait, where you are going?” When Kiyoi responds by bringing up that Hira used to come to afterparties for his plays and Hira says he did so out of desperation, he says, “Wow, so you’re not desperate now? Since you already have me?” This is almost as overt as if he’d said, “Hira, I need you to pursue me harder while I continue to act like I’m pushing you away,”

A scene that illustrates these dynamics from another angle is the one in which Kiyoi tells a post-makeover Hira that he looks “handsome enough for me to fall in love with all over again.” (I’m rephrasing as Viki’s translation at this point is a bit lacking.) When Hira’s face begins to light up, Kiyoi visibly panics, says he was lying, kicks Hira, and flees. This is comical, of course, but also sad as hell, because Kiyoi’s fear of intimacy and inability to self-regulate when Hira starts to get close to him is on blatant display.

Maybe Kiyoi wouldn’t have let something like that slip out if Hira wasn’t such an ineffective pursuer in some ways. But part of him does still want authentic intimacy with Hira, and not just this king-and-servant thing. Telling Hira he’s handsome and admitting that he’s in love with him is actually a real moment of growth. Or it would be, if he didn’t immediately take it back. Most people would see right through this, but Hira’s negativity bias seems to have made him believe it.

This hilarious-yet-fucked-up aspect is even clearer in some recent posts by @mineonmain, which are “incorrect quotes” that end up being more correct in some ways that the actual text of the show.

All in all, despite the kicking and sarcasm he aims Hira’s way, I think by the end of S2E1 Kiyoi is showing at least a bit more flexibility and potential for growth than Hira is. The final scene shows this in a really affecting way.

The next morning, Kiyoi admits, “I went too far yesterday. I’m acting a bit weird....I get weird when it’s about you.” He doesn’t have to take responsibility for this—it’s not like Hira is pressing the issue—but he chooses to. It’s a pretty big deal for him. He ends up putting his head down on Hira’s lap, looking up at him and saying, “Hira, don’t go anywhere,” in a plaintive voice, and then using his arms to both grab onto Hira and cover his face (hardly surprising given showing this much vulnerable emotion is a huge challenge for him).

But here’s what really breaks my heart: Hira is smiling the entire time, from the moment Kiyoi puts his head in his lap. It’s like the only thing that has registered with him is the fact that he’s in physical contact with Kiyoi and is being told some vaguely nice things, things that imply Kiyoi values having him in his life. But he’s really not hearing Kiyoi, or treating him like a person.

As a result, Hira’s affect (the visible manifestation of his emotions) is completely misaligned with Kiyoi’s. Kiyoi is clearly showing fear and sadness and Hira is just sitting there grinning to himself. If a therapist saw an interaction like this in a couples session, they’d be really concerned. Despite Hira’s supposed dedication to Kiyoi and determination to earn his place in Kiyoi’s life, he’s completely failing to be attuned to Kiyoi’s feelings, much less provide some kind of real comfort. I guess it’s for the best that Kiyoi’s eyes are covered at this point, because that way he can’t see Hira’s unintentionally callous smile.

These issues are clearly being set up as central to the story of season 2 and likely the upcoming movie as well, so hopefully we’ll see some progress from both characters. They have a lot of work to do. That said, they clearly have a very meaningful connection and a lot of motivation to meet each other halfway. Let’s hope they get to where they need to be.

#BL drama #psychology of BL #utsukushii kare #utsukushii kare 2 #utsukare #hira x kiyoi #kiyoi sou #pursuer distancer dynamic #attachment theory #dimissive attachment #family systems theory

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heretherebedork · 1 year

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[15th May, 2023.]

Hi!

Sometime back,...Mew had an outburst and responded rudely to some of his fans, suggesting they seek mental health support from medical professionals. This incident sparked mixed reactions among his fans and the wider community.

While some fans defended Mew's actions, citing the constant invasion of his personal life by fans as the reason behind his outburst. On the other hand, many were unimpressed with his response, feeling that as an entertainer, he should have handled the situation more professionally and with better decorum. In fact,...many accuse him of "Queerbaiting" to always make himself stand out from the pack.

However, the incident also shed light on the dynamics between celebrities and their fans. While some fans are incredibly loyal and supportive, standing by their favorite actors regardless of their behavior or past actions, others may view such incidents as manipulative or attention-seeking. The varying responses indicate the diversity of opinions within the fan community. Furthermore, it invites reflection on the responsibility of public figures in managing their interactions with fans and the potential impact of their words and actions. However, on the flip side, the personal lives of these actors are often heavily scrutinised, leading to potential invasion of privacy and conflicts with fans.

So,...my questions are:

What are the responsibilities of BL actors towards their fans, and where should the boundaries be drawn in terms of fan interaction and privacy?

How should BL actors handle situations where they feel their privacy is being invaded or where they are being treated unfairly by fans? Is rudeness an acceptable response, or are there better ways to handle these situations?

Is it reasonable to hold BL actors to a higher standard of behavior than other actors due to the romantic nature of their roles and the perceived influence they may have on their fans?

How can the fandom culture surrounding BL series be improved to promote healthier interactions between fans and actors, while still allowing fans to enjoy the series and their favorite actors?

How do incidents like Mew Suppasit's outburst impact the perception of BL actors and the genre as a whole?

How can fans navigate the complexities of supporting their favorite actors while holding them accountable for their behavior?

In what ways can the BL industry and fan communities foster a healthier and more respectful environment for both actors and fans?

xoxo

Arjuna

Okay, so this starts with: I do not interact with this side of the fandom. I simply don't. I don't do anything with actors or actor pairs, nothing beyond having a couple favorite actors. So I am inexperienced at best and completely ignorant over all so while I will do my best to answer, I don't know a lot of these answers nor do I even totally know or understand the problems faced by the fans in this.

I do think Mew had every right to be upset because people have been invading his privacy and there are still people arguing about his relationship with his costars so... I am firmly on his side in that regard from the little I saw of what he posted.

What are the responsibilities of BL actors towards their fans, and where should the boundaries be drawn in terms of fan interaction and privacy?

To act. That is their only responsibility in my mind. To play the parts we want them to play in the show and to treat the queer community that they are portraying with respect. Boom. Done. I expect nothing more but also nothing less. Again, this is probably why I'm the wrong person for these answers. Because I don't see any duty or anything owed to the fans besides their actual literal job. They should be able to expect privacy in their personal lives and a choice in how they interact with fans and for fans to not stalk them or make huge assumptions or decide who they're dating based on how they're acting in shows and on press circuits which are also acting.

I think rudeness is fine at a certain point. Considering the lengths fans have gone and their willingness not just to invade their privacy but also to make assumptions about them and then to tell them those assumptions and get upset when they're not met... frankly, the actors should probably be ruder more often. Because that seems to be the only thing some elements of their fandom actually hear.

Is it reasonable to hold BL actors to a higher standard of behavior than other actors due to the romantic nature of their roles and the perceived influence they may have on their fans?

Nope. I mean... no. I suppose there is an aspect of them playing queer characters in general that set my expectations for their respect for the queer community to be present but in terms of their behavior outside of that? No. They're actors. And they're mostly young actors. BL is often the first job they get when they move out of background characters or supporting roles and I definitely don't think that trying to hold them to a super high standard is gonna work for anyone. I would, frankly, expect any actor to be able to show respect for the queer community but I do admit that I might expect a BL actor to be more vocal or willingly open about it, at least. But beyond that? Nope. Young actors, young expectations.

How can the fandom culture surrounding BL series be improved to promote healthier interactions between fans and actors, while still allowing fans to enjoy the series and their favorite actors?

Absolutely no idea. None. Not a damn clue. I don't interact in that side of the fandom, I don't have any interest in it and I don't know how you would go about changing the fandom culture to make it healthier. None. This is one I genuinely can't answer because I don't know.

How do incidents like Mew Suppasit's outburst impact the perception of BL actors and the genre as a whole?

I mean, for me, it made me wonder wtf is so wrong with actor fans that it convinced me to be sure to never want to see more of the acting fandom? Didn't change my opinion on actors or the genre but it made me feel very glad that I can curate my experience here very tightly. I think that Mew had every right to be upset and that his outburst reflected more on the fans than on him. At least for me.

How can fans navigate the complexities of supporting their favorite actors while holding them accountable for their behavior?

I dunno. No clue. By respecting their privacy and not considering that something they have to be held accountable for? By listening to what they say and not making assumptions? By showing support in public places and public ways and not private ones? As for the accountability... that is a much harder question and one I don't know the answer to because it matters so much about we mean by accountability. Do we mean the assumptions made about Mew and Gulf? Do we mean the accusations against Build? Do we mean the anti-queer comments some actors have made? What are we talking about?

The first one is... there is nothing to be held accountable for when a friendship or partnership falls apart and Mew is still fully in the right to ask people to stop pressing him and making assumptions about what happens. This is where fans need to step off.

The second one is about listening to the actor but also looking at the circumstances and trying to listen to both sides and worrying less about who you're supporting and more about what's going on. I don't know details and can't judge and won't judge because I don't know.

The third one is the only one where I think fans can respond and should respond to tell actors that they're wrong and that if they're going to profit off of us then they also need to respect us. How? I'm not sure. I don't go here.

In what ways can the BL industry and fan communities foster a healthier and more respectful environment for both actors and fans?

Honestly? I don't know. This isn't my part of the fandom and I don't know how to fix something I don't participate in or know about. I just... don't.

But my first response is to learn about parasocial relationships and to remember that they don't know the actors, they know the face the actors show the public. And to remember that. To remember that actors are acting and actors are performing whenever they're in public and that what they see isn't real.

I would start the fix by doing less pair branding, less push of the romance games together but that's the only thing I know and can think of because I don't really follow any of the press for actors so... I just don't go here. I dunno.

#asked and answered #i don't go here but i tried #sorry did my best

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intheholler · 10 months

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I'm creating a graphic novel surrounding a shapeshifting trans man struggling his way through life in Appalachia in the 1990s, and your blog's been a great source of inspiration. It's so informative seeing things from the perspective of someone who was born and raised in the area, and who's also supportive of queer people. Thank you for being a loud and proud resident and for your defense of both queer folks and Appalachian culture!

well, given that i am a nonbinary lesbian, queerness is absolutely a huge part of my identity--especially how it intersects with my appalachian upbringing. it's a privilege to finally have a place where i can be loud about it <3

i'm really flattered that you're finding inspiration here. like, really flattered. your graphic novel sounds really neat! i'd love to check it out and signal boost when you get it up and going

#asks

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saintqueer · 2 years

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Hi, this is gonna be a few asks but i just wanted to thank you and other blogs for bravely speaking out your minds when it comes to weirdness surrounding harry/his team. I think this is a breath of fresh air in this very 'unlarrie' climate in that taking a notice of any sign that suggests H has apparently been making some decisions that doesn’t line up with the way H has been fighting against the image he had been burdened with when he was only 16 yrs old has made into a larrie sin in the last few years.

It is not my place to blame anyone but I just want to share my observation that some larries have been playing a huge role in creating this atmosphere by not putting forward any reasonable argument for the weirdness but only labelling anyone that has different reading on the situation than theirs as ‘twitter larrie’ or ‘illogical’ or going a step forward with claims that has no basis like people having no grasp on ‘adult business’. This won’t be so bothersome if their entire argument won’t be resting on H’s successfully marketed -within the fandom- closeness with his so-called manager slash bff slash side-kick whilst disregarding the words coming out of Harry’s mouth, like brushing off H’s snarky comments about Jeff as jokes. I’m sorry this is the same as antis believing H has has genuine relationship with his beards bc of ‘the close proximity’ and certain narratives magically making their way into the fandom chatter. Jeff and certain people didn’t make into icloud hack that is the epitome of Harry Styles tm to not make self-proclaimed levelheaded people side-eye the whole thing.

Also, I’m baffled that they so readily believe that H or Rob S are being truthful when it is claimed that H has been the freest he has been in print media, putting all the blame for these questionable choices on H shoulders. Yeah H’s image has been the most something alright since jeff came into his life but freedom wont unfortunately be my choice of adjective for this, i would say it is ‘straight-sex crazed rockstar’. I’m livid that they stripped him of his personality and created this blank canvas with splashes of hetero here and there, from my perspective after being their fans since 2012 I have never been felt so distant to Harry’s public image the way I have been feeling for the last few years, anytime I get to witness H being genuine I feel like I bump into my dearest friend I couldn’t see for years.

People, especially some larries, need to realize that H is unfortunately nothing but a cash cow to the likes of Columbia and Full Stop, anything related to his image -sorry to say this but even a little bit of freedom that H gets to not label his sexuality- is there to make money for these people, they don’t care for H’s right to express himself.

I can’t not mention this as well, some people are under the impression that H has a give and take rship with these people to be more himself but if that is the case I’d love for them to explain how H has been reduced to ‘queer-baiting womanizer’ with no talent -bc lets be honest nobody gets to hear beyond that any of his songs is about that woman or this woman now with howard i imagine nastiness would be tenfold- that his record label buy his success.

Anyway thank you guys for being here, I have been seeking a safe place for myself that won’t make me feel like I’m crazy to think H has in fact not been pleased with the situation he is, I’m so glad I came across your blog and it opened up a whole new world for me.

ps: I sent this as seperate parts but tumblr didn't let me finish -i blame jeff, sorry for busying your inbox.

i have very little to add here as this is so well-articulated. the environment that has been created surrounding the beliefs about H's supposed 'freedom' has made this fandom a breeding ground for rads. people have been turning on harry left and right for the past three years because of this way of thinking being pushed. perhaps because people are just too terrified to face that where we are now is just as bad as where we were then.

one direction was at the height of their fame, money-making, and, yes, even their creative abilities when they were so strictly controlled and abused. anyone claiming harry is an adult now and therefore can't be as restricted and mistreated as we claim because "he is an adult now" is absolutely full of shit (britney spears is turning 40!!!!).

the only identifiable difference between now and 1d is that harry's queerness is being commodified and used to make him even more sexually 'interesting' to straight women instead of just being plain hidden. why can't people see this is not the harry we know? they could see it with 1d? they can see it still with louis when he still can't even acknowledge the rainbow light projects or the flags? but not harry.

#i hope more people see the light #that harry needs us JUST AS MUCH as louis does #harry is just as trapped as louis and im exhausted by people pushing this idea #that louis is somehow more heavily closeted and controlled than harry #just because people are making money off of harry's queerness #anon

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theophagie · 5 months

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Hhhh I found myself in a Hell upon Earth situation with the psych today. "When I was little I was a tomboy, and for as long as I remember I've been getting into fights with my mother over my preference for masculinity, and even though this is something I only understood afterwards part of the misery I felt throughout my high school years was due to the fact that that was the only time I actively tried to fit in even though it only made me feel bad about myself" "I see. But you only began wearing men's clothes and cutting your hair after your father left right". BITCH!!!!!!!! What do you want me to say. Yes, because he finally fucked off during my last year of high school ie the environment where I was surrounded almost exclusively by girls and that made me feel like shit both about myself and about doing femininity wrong when I tried. The two things happened to happen at the same time, what do you want me to say about it. It doesn't cancel out literally every other year of my life!!!!! What he insinuated made me so mad, especially considering that I had just pulled myself together after the most embarrassing cry of my life because I tried to talk about how much I hate it that people feel entitled to comment on other people's bodies and looks. Ugh. Gender is a complicated topic and the tldr is that labels feel either like they don't apply or uncomfortable so I just put up with being seen as a cis woman, and with this in mind I can't even begin to imagine how a more in depth conversation would go...... Eg I don't think of myself as trans even though obviously I have a number of experiences and feelings in common with the Trans Experience, but the average person isn't going to respond with "hell yeah gender nonconformity and fuckery huge win for queer identities <3" if you tell them "I don't really like being thought of as a woman or having breasts, I like speaking in dialect because it allows me to switch from feminine to masculine to neutral without it being too clockable, I don't mind being mistaken for a guy, and sometimes I really really wish I had I dick" (and even then considering where I am it'd be a miracle if they even thought of being trans as an acceptable thing at all). *Timmy Turner's dad voice* the binary.............. So that's really frustrating, technically I go there to Talk About Things but I know that's there's no point in doing it when we're walking on completely parallel lines. There's even less of a point if you act like you're listening to me then try to reduce everything to daddy issues >_>

#unfortunately. it is what it is because 1) cheap 2) with the state of things in this country... finding someone decent when it comes to this #would be kind of. 😬#(--_--)#mytext

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just-a-queer-fanboy · 10 months

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I have so much to say but no clue how to portray it without writing a series of novels 100k words each

That sounds like a bad thing and on one hand it kind of is but on the other it's not about anything bad.

I've been thinking for the past few days about how people seem to think that being queer is only about who you're attracted to and what gender you are and that's it. And while, yes, by literal, textbook definition, it is.

But that viewpoint ignores the fact that being queer isn't just "I like this gender". It's okay if that's your experience, but for many, the community and culture we've formed is the main component to their queerness.

Queer isn't just who you like, it's who you are, it's what you believe. Queerness is something that runs through my core and empowers me to be boldly and unapologetically who I am today.

Queer is history. It's the stonewall riots. It's pride parades. It's the rights we've fought for and continue to fight for.

And it's a community that closely intertwines with many other identities. Religion, disability, subculture, art, life. I live and breathe my queer identity.

Queerness isn't just a little detail about me like what hand I use to write or what my eye color is. It's a huge part of my life, my identity, the person I am and the people I surround myself with.

Almost everything I am can be traced back or connected to my queer identity.

Queer is not just a word. It's power. It's progress. For many, it's life itself.

Queer is fighting for your rights, and then fighting for the rights of others.

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seasurfacefullofclouds1 · 1 year

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Some larries were re-tweeting and @-ing Matt Vines, BMG, etc that open letter. So clearly there are larries who recognise not enough is done to support Louis’ career, though they are in the minority.

I was thinking about this too: I do find discussions surrounding Louis’ expression of his potential queerness offensive because I do think it is pretty obvious that Louis was told to act differently. Louis is and always has been naturally flamboyant and that definitely comes out more when he is comfortable but the discussions from larries surrounding it are irritating because what, it doesn’t occur to larries that Louis was probably told to change but harry wasn’t? Harry was allowed to be coy and answer not that important and to do as he wished but Louis was made to deny Larrie, become more guarded, lose all his confidence in himself? What kind of relationship do they stan where they would see this and just make posts about how Louis isn’t like Harry (read: as flamboyant (even though I think louis is more naturally flamboyant, Harry’s has always come across as a bit more like a performance to me, which in itself isn’t a bad thing because that is how it is for some people, I just don’t like what Harry does) and yeah they’ll say that’s okay, it doesn’t mean he’s not gay, he’s just not Harry. I prefer this take to the other because it is extremely harmful to present an absolute idea of what being queer looks like (there is no one way to be queer, that entire take is insane) but I still think this dismisses the boy who understood camp, who could put-camp Alan Carr, who described himself as flamboyant and had so much fun at that club performance where he was covered in cake and then flown to be told off. And I think I saw that El and Louis were announced as a couple in the media on the same day as that performance? I don’t know Louis’ sexuality and it’s none of my business, I don’t know if he and h were ever actually a thing but to me it would make Harry a bad partner, even if I kept in mind it would be a terrible and restrictive closet if it were true. I don’t know if I have a point except that larries really do see what they want to see, even the ones who might have reasonable takes on certain things

No, Louis is not 18, 19 anymore and people change as they grow older but dismissing what it seems likely happened to Louis is easier for larries than facing the possibility that the entire situation is wrong and unfair and that Louis has born the brunt of it in a way that Harry hasn’t. Because how could a loving partner see that happen to his loved one and say nothing?

Hi,

I found that I’ve really stepped back in terms of all these discussions, even though my thoughts about Louis and LGBT haven’t changed. I’m going to paraphrase a friend:

UO: I think Louis’ music will be about universal themes applicable to all, including his strong LGBT+ fanbase, like lost love and heartbreak and going it alone/solo song; however, I think LGBT+ signaling will be more and more muted. I think Louis is 100% inclusive and supportive/welcoming to his LGBT fanbase. But we will see fewer overt references to belonging to the community. Part of the reason is most likely career considerations as he tries to move into an indie market, new fan demographics (if his team ever catches on and markets him that way), and to be less “celebrity” and tabloid fodder, less connected to Harry publicly so that he doesn’t get 1D/ Harry/ Larry questions. I think the toll of Harry/Larry/rampant fan and media speculation about his sexuality has played a huge, heavy part. I mean Euphoria - millions of people watching an HBO-sponsored scene of you in a sexual situation with Harry Styles, and the resulting media circus during Pride month was more than just offensive - it was psychologically damaging to Louis given the context of Larry, the public speculation over his sexuality, their respective careers, his first album, and his publicly constructed personal life. I mean Louis handled it as he could - he didn’t approve, he was not asked about consent, he understood the cultural interest etc. ... - but privately I expect there was a much greater toll on him with everyone in his life being aware and/or reading about it or seeing the scene including fellow songwriters, band members, casual friends, his grandparents, etc. If Louis is protecting himself and trying to move his career further away from speculation, controversy, fandom drama— it’s understandable, and frankly good for him.

Given that Louis had always been the most outspoken 1D band member about LGBT equality, has always been sensitive to his LGBT fanbase, has always defended fellow band members from homophobia, I think he hasn’t changed and he’s as strongly supportive as ever, but we can see the toll of years of negotiating this issue through media and fandom speculation. Louis is taking back some control of the way people talk about his private life.

#louis tomlinson #louis and lgbt

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moonlightsapphic · 2 years

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This meme is such bullshit. Especially the way it's been going around among South Asian communities is just sooo grossly queerphobic.

Repeat after me:

There are children in rural regions of South Asia who do not have reliable access to basic necessities like safe running water, electricity, food and shelter AND are struggling with their sexual orientation, gender dysphoria, or other LGBTQ+ identity whilst living in countries with colonial British (ie sexist, homophobic, transphobic) laws—at the same time. They don't have basic physical needs OR mental and emotional needs met. And they have always existed among us.

Netflix doesn't always have great queer rep—but it popularized shows with queer rep in deeply bigoted countries. It humanized queer people to a miraculous degree in geographical areas in which progress has been frustratingly slow.

Netflix made western queer people visible and undeniable.

So South Asian bigots are now doing what they do best: They’re trying to gatekeep who can identify as LGBTQ+. They’re trying to reframe queer identity as some sort of privileged activity that only white people can indulge in. They’re trying to force the narrative that it’s, like, so ironic for South Asians in formerly oppressed countries to be watching characters struggling with gender and sexuality. Like it’s the same thing as watching The Kardashians for entertainment. Absolutely irrelevant to Bangladeshi, Indian, Pakistani lives.

I’m an incredibly privileged South Asian woman. I went to a good school and had access to books to read and learn about the LGBTQ+ community, among other things. (I pirated them off the internet.) My parents have been supportive of my moving abroad and funding my incredibly expensive education. (Fellow desi people will understand that this is a Big Deal.) My family will, however, not be accepting of my bisexuality or my girlfriend, who is part of the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in and perhaps is the love of my life. Her parents are a lot more conservative than mine. The number of LGBTQ+-affirming people we know from our home country is in the range of single digits. Someday, we will have to decide whether we want to continue being with each other and get cut off by nearly everyone we know and quite possibly put our lives at risk if we ever go back to our hometown again. (There are a big number of bigoted vigilantes there quite willing to gang up on people they don’t like and murder them. Our laws criminalize homosexual acts.)

It’s either that or simply break up and find men that our families favour to marry. (Muslim for me, Hindu for her, well-off and pretty and able-bodied and educated for both of us.)

My identity has the potential to jeopardize my entire life, and my mental health has taken a huge turn for the worst because of all this. We’ve had to overcome so much together. It’s so unfair. As healing as my time here has been for me, I can’t bear living in America sometimes. I can’t bear witnessing all of this freedom and acceptance and not knowing if it can ever truly be mine.

I can’t imagine what it’s like for those less privileged than me, who are alienated, bullied, abandoned. Who have to resort to surviving through any means possible. My heart goes out to you. I think about you. I want to live to write my biography and hope it will reach the next generation. I want to hear all the stories that were never told. I wonder how many of us have been erased, how many more have to be sacrificed for decades to pass and for us to finally be given the dignity and respect we deserve.

You deserve to be here. You deserve to explore yourself and find out who you are. You deserve to exist and be happy. You deserve that just as much as you deserve safety, security, a roof over your head, food on the table, and loved ones surrounding you.

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