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krowfics · 1 year

Text

But you’re still a kid that grew

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Plot: Passion was small and Passion was orange. So he couldn't be. (or why there's two blue sides)

Words: 3257

Notes: Logan angst, canon universe, all the other sides are technically unsympathetic ig - especially Patton and Remus, sad and unresolved ending. this fic’s ending overlaps with WTIT.

This might be considered a character study? idk i wrote this in a hyper fixated haze

AO3

~~~

He was small and he was orange.

Dressed head to toe, orange tee shirt, orange cargo shorts, orange socks and orange shoes.

He was learning about cheetahs. They're the fastest animal in the world, they can reach speeds up to 70 miles per hour! He didn't know what that meant but it sounded fast.

He stared at the TV screen with rapt attention, meanwhile Thomas played with a stuffed fox from Fox and the Hound and a plastic toy of Peter Pan (from Peter Pan.) glancing up at the screen occasionally. Thomas’ mom had decided to put on an educational show instead of Disney Channel, which Thomas hadn’t minded but he had been ecstatic about.

He really, really wanted to know how fast 70 miles per hour is.

So Thomas twisted around to look at his mom, who was reading a book on the couch with her feet tucked underneath her, and he asked.

"Hmm, as fast as a car." She answered.

That's super fast for an animal, he knew Thomas couldn't run that fast, he didn't even think a dog could run that fast.

"Wow, that's super fast." Thomas said.

"Sure is, Bud." His mom replied with a smile.

He learned more, needed to learn more. He had Thomas switch the channel to documentaries in between his Disney shows, had him ask his mom and dad every question under the sun, squinted at books over Thomas' shoulders as they were both figuring out how to read, even though neither really could yet.

Some adults had reading glasses to make them read better, maybe that would make him read better.

It helped, he thinks, he didn't think anything was wrong with his vision before but now he never wanted to take his glasses off.

He was bigger, he was orange, and he wanted to know everything.

Passion.

Thomas' mom had called Thomas passionate once, maybe he was Passion.

They went to school, and kindergarten was boring. All they did was color! The first grade was better, but there was still far too much coloring of cartoon characters for Passion’s taste.

Creativity liked it. So Passion tried not to complain. He didn't really talk to the Others much anyway.

He liked talking to Creativity, both of them, but they each fell off into their own tangents that got so far from where Passion hand started, that he kind of wished he didn’t talk at all.

He had nothing to do with Morality or Fears or even Creativity, really, the good or the bad, he just wanted to learn and he wanted Thomas to learn.

Lies was annoying because he just wanted to get out of work, and Thomas would listen to him sometimes, which wasn't fair. But sometimes Morality would get in Lies’ way and they'd yell a bunch until Thomas gave into Morality, which was better but it was still annoying. When they yelled he wanted to scream.

It was all frustrating. The Creativities’ imagination was nice until it became completely fake, Lies made Thomas say things that were completely fake, Fears would make up stuff to make Thomas upset which was usually completely fake and Morality would repeat the adults dumb rules which seemed to be completely fake!

It was frustrating, fakeness was frustrating, Passion only cared about real things. Weird plants and animals and bugs and rock formations and spaceships and dinosaurs.

He did not care about Disney princes and dragons and talking animals.

Morality told him he needed to share Thomas. But it wasn't fair, none of it was fair, how could it be fair when what everyone else wanted was completely fake?

He hated the fakeness, it was confusing, it was so hard to tell when Thomas was being lied to. He used to think he could fly because he saw it on TV - not the channels that Passion wanted to watch - and he jumped off his bed and bruised his knee super badly.

Thomas cried for his knee and Passion cried because it wasn't real. It wasn't! They lied to him!

Passion cried more often than not, he yelled more often then he spoke. Thomas wouldn't listen to him, Thomas used to listen to him, didn't he?

Thomas didn't switch the channel to documentaries anymore and he didn't pay attention to his teacher, even when he really tried, he'd always be more focused on sitting still which made it almost impossible for Passion to pay attention, Thomas usually gave up, which made it even harder.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair!

He barely talked to the Others before but now he almost never did. Because now he couldn't stop himself from screaming or crying or getting really angry and breaking something in the imagination which would always make everyone upset with him but they'd never listen anyway!

He hated this. He felt so pathetic. He didn't want to cry all the time, he just wanted to learn. He wanted Thomas to learn.

Thomas got a new teacher when he started second grade, and he was nice.

Mr. Teagan was calm, always. He wore glasses and a tie, which must mean he's smart. He sounded smart, he didn't get mad at Thomas for moving in his seat or fidgeting with his hands, he even encouraged him to fiddle with a squishy rubber toy when Thomas' tapping got too loud for the rest of the class.

He never got frustrated when Thomas asked questions, he'd teach him how to understand the more complex math equations the rest of the class was learning. Passion really liked math and Thomas really liked math.

Thomas wasn't really listening to Passion but he was listening to his teacher. Maybe if Passion was calmer, they would listen to him.

They didn't. They ignored him as always, Bad Creativity called him a crybaby and that set Morality off, which Passion would have appreciated had Morality not also been ignoring him.

"Why'd you even bother to show up?" Good Creativity said as Morality calmed down and Bad Creativity continued to giggle.

"Be nice." Morality said plaintively.

"No, no, I mean, you never come here or talk to us, what do you want?" he didn't sound upset, just confused, but it didn't make the hurt go away because Passion was doing what he wanted already and they weren't listening.

"To talk about imaginary numbers." He said carefully, because imaginary numbers were so cool, even though he didn't really understand anything about them at all, but they sounded cool. They were fake but couldn't be frustrating-fake, because they were still math and math made them real!

"Ugh, Thomas will learn math in school." Good creativity whined.

Passion glanced to Morality, who only nodded, "Thomas is gonna watch Beauty and the Beast, he can't do math right now."

He's watching that again? Could it not be Lion King or Jungle Book, one that made him actually want to learn about animals?

"That's not fair." Passion said.

"He does plenty of math in school." Good Creativity said.

"But I want him to do it now!"

"We can't always get what we want." Morality said.

"Life is fair, you know." Lies said sarcastically from his place on the couch, he was hardly paying attention to the situation.

Morality liked Mr. Teagan, and Passion was being calm like Mr. Teagan, why wasn't it working? What was he doing wrong?

Fears nodded, looking deeply uncomfortable with the tenseness in the room, "You don't have to get upset over math."

"It's not fair." He yelled, and his voice cracked and his vision was blurry even though he was wearing his glasses.

Bad Creativity made a sharp laughing noise, “Crybaby!" he said, pointing, and he was completely right.

"You aren't being very nice." Morality said, and when Passion looked he saw that Morality was not looking at Bad Creativity, he was looking right at Passion.

He knew what that meant, Morality also said that Lies and Bad Creativity weren't very nice and then those 'weren't very nice's turned into 'not nice at all's. And Morality made sure that Thomas almost never listened to Sides who were not nice at all.

What if Thomas never listened to him again?

Passion choked on a sob. He needed to apologize, he needed to, but he couldn't get a word out with Morality staring him down like Thomas' mom or dad did when he got in trouble, Good Creativity stood right behind him, looking smug.

Passion turned around and ran out the room, a nasally laugh came from behind him, Bad Creativity, he assumed.

He hid his room and he cried. It felt like hours, or minutes, or days. He cried until his eyes were sore and his throat was scratchy and his nose was stuffed.

Something was wrong with him.

There had to be a reason no one listened to him, there had to be a reason no one liked him.

He stayed away after that, he couldn't risk it. He needed to stay calm like Mr. Teagan but he couldn't when no one was listening anyway. He’d get too frustrated, too overwhelmed. A bitter part of him thought it’d be better to not feel at all, if the bad emotions were so unavoidable and were making him ruin everything.

They wouldn't listen to him, no matter what he did, would they? They've already decided he was too passionate to deal with.

He helped Thomas with homework when he needed, Morality made Thomas do his homework because it was Wrong not to, but he didn't really stick around for the process. So when Thomas would get stuck, Passion would show up to help.

He didn't make Thomas learn outside of school though, he stopped begging for him to change the channel to a documentary when Morality wanted to watch a cartoon, he bit his tongue every single time he played pretend with Good Creativity.

Passion was able to learn still, he didn’t think any of the others could completely stop him if they tried. It was much harder, but he could consume information that Thomas learned subconsciously. It wasn't nearly as good as Thomas learning outright, but it was better than nothing and Passion would take all he could get.

Thomas' third grade teacher was not nearly as patient as Mr. Teagan, which means that Thomas didn't like her which means he had a much harder time paying attention.

Morality stayed with him a lot, making him pay attention as it was Wrong not to pay attention to adults. He made him do his homework and sat there through his frustration so he'd actually finish as it was wrong not to hand it in finished the next day, he made Thomas do everything he was told, even as Lies hissed and spat in the Mindscape to get his way, Morality didn't even care that he was making Thomas miserable. Maybe he didn’t notice.

He wouldn't listen to what Passion had to say about it though.

Passion was a crybaby, Passion was too emotional, Passion wasn't very nice.

Passion was small and Passion was orange.

So he couldn't be.

They had learned basic color theory long ago. Good Creativity loved it because it made everything pretty and hated it because it was rules and neither creativity ever wanted to put rules on art, other than the obvious Morality given ones. The ones that said it wasn't nice at all to draw Thomas killing his brother, something Good Creativity agreed with and bad creativity did not.

Color theory said that blue was the opposite of orange.

Maybe that's why Morality didn't like him. Morality was blue.

Blue comes in different shades.

One day, as Thomas was doing his homework, he felt a familiar pull. A feeling he would often ignore because Morality seemed to always be there.

Be calm

He appeared, almost void of color, shirt as black as his glasses, plain blue jeans, black shoes.

A tie, just like Thomas' second grade teacher always wore, except dark blue.

He was not small and he was not orange.

"Hello?" Thomas said, just behind him was Morality, who was staring.

Both looked stressed, hair messed up from running their hands through it and Thomas's eyes were rimmed red, almost crying from frustration.

Stay calm.

"What seems to be the problem Thomas?"

"Who..?" Thomas asked tiredly, glancing to Morality.

"I'm not sure, kiddo. Are you new?"

The only thing differentiating the sides visually were their clothes and their colors.

Without orange, Morality didn't recognize him.

Good.

"I am Thomas' Logic."

"Oh, goodness!" Morality smiled brightly, when was the last time he smiled at him like that? "It's been so long since we've gotten a new side! I’m Morality, It's nice to meet you."

Stay calm.

"You as well, now what is the issue?"

Thomas gestured to the paper on his desk and Logic learned over his shoulder to see the equation. He thought Thomas liked math?

It was division, a bit on the complicated side but not terribly so.

"Thomas, do you understand that division is just the opposite of multiplication?"

"Mrs. Drache keeps saying so, but…"

So he didn't understand.

"All that means is you can reverse this." He summoned up a pen and paper and wrote the equation down where Thomas could see.

And the he wrote the same numbers directly under it but swapped the division sign for an equal sign and the original equals sign for multiplication.

"Are you more confident in your times tables, Thomas?" he asked.

Thomas nodded, paused, and then nodded again. He looked tired. "Yeah um, I did them quicker than most of the class last week. I only got 3 wrong."

"Good." Logic said, "what times 7 is 49?"

Thomas stared for a moment, "5 times 7 is 35."

"Yes."

"and 6 times 7 is 42."

"it is."

Thomas pressed his lips together and then wrote 7 down on his homework.

Thomas listened to him. He actually listened to him and he learned.

Stay calm.

"Good job, Thomas."

Thomas beamed and everything was worth it.

Morality made a high pitch noise, startling Logic, he forgot he was there.

But there Morality was, clapping and smiling, smiling at Thomas and Logic.

"I knew you could do it, kiddo!"

Thomas smiled and returned to his homework, both sides there for help and encouragement.

Morality stopped showing up so much for homework, he let Logic help him pay attention in class, he started letting Thomas get away with things that made him happy. At some point academics were completely left up to Logic.

Morality trusted Logic. Morality liked Logic.

Stay calm.

Logic said nothing as Thomas changed career paths, Morality wanted him to be happy and Creativity wanted him to perform. Logic could handle his amount of attention diminishing, Thomas’ happiness was more important.

Stay calm.

He helped Thomas through each moral conundrum and anxiety attack, even if he had to wade through the others' arguments to do so. It’d be easier if they didn’t have to work through their emotions before they actually listened to him but, regardless, they always did eventually.

Stay calm.

He had made himself heard, he didn't need emotions anymore, he never needed them in the first place. He needed Thomas to be healthy and happy, even if that meant Logic didn't always get his way. He was fine.

Stay calm.

Deceit and Dark Creativity's increased presence was annoying but manageable. Thomas hadn't remembered either, which made sense.

Deceit had kept himself hidden from Thomas before his scales started appearing - a younger Thomas taking the lying snake in the garden of Eden a bit too seriously, Logic suspects - and Logic was fairly certain that Thomas had never even met Remus as a child.

Thomas was barely interested in what Logic had to say as is, splitting his attention between three other sides who just boiled down to differing emotions. Janus and Remus complicated things, they kept getting in the way.

All sides deserved to be listened to, a part of Logic is sure of it, but with all of them demanded it only for themselves, he had to fight to.

Morality at least didn't like them fighting, Creativity would always listen to Morality and thus stayed in good graces, and Anxiety held enough sympathy from Patton that he was always able to be listened to too.

No one really liked Logic, he could tell. They might claim they like Logan, they probably don't even think they're lying about it. But they wouldn't like him if he couldn't stay calm.

Stay calm.

He was trying to stay calm.

He was finally being listened to, even if it seemed to be less and less each day, he was letting Thomas take breaks, he was letting Thomas stay happy even as the anxiety of cleaning was getting to him.

Why did Remus have to taunt him today of all days? The day when Thomas actually had some urge to make a list of tasks, to finally clean his living space so he could be more productive.

Stay calm.

Thomas was busy dancing, quite literally dancing always the intrusive thoughts.

Logic was calm, he would stay calm.

He breathed a calculated breath and turned to Remus, who was giggling in that obnoxious way he does. Even after all these years, even as they got older, that laugh never really did change.

Logic was speaking calmly, he was being nice, he was barely showing any frustration even as Remus made it clear he was not listening.

Thomas listened to him though, he had listened today, and the only times he stopped today was when Remus got in the way.

Stay. Calm.

He needed to get through to Remus. He needed to. He needed to be listened to, he needed Thomas to listen. He barely listened as is, he can't let it get as bad as it was back then, back when no one listened no matter what.

"Remus."

he wasn't listening. Thomas wouldn't listen because Remus wouldn't listen. Logic needed him to listen.

Remus summoned a book literally titled, 'Ignoring Dummies for Dummies'

"Remus."

The haunting taunt of 'crybaby' rang in his ears. It was extremely frustrating, he couldn't get frustrated - he had to stay calm.

Logic could barely breathe.

Remus wouldn't listen.

Stay calm

STAY CALM

"Stop ignoring me!"

That wasn't very calm.

Remus was talking, smug as Logan had ever seen him and not even remotely surprised, but the words barely registered.

And then Remus was gone, and Thomas was on the phone with Nico.

Was that on purpose? Did… Did Remus know?

Stay calm.

He was not orange.

He wasn't.

Everything worked out, except it didn't because Thomas had abandoned his schedule and his apartment didn't get cleaned, but that was okay. It had to be okay.

Thomas barely seemed to listened to Logic anymore anyway, he shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up. Thomas listened when it was absolutely necessary and that was enough. It had to be. Logic had to stay calm. He had to hold together each piece of him that shattered and broke off when he was ignored, he couldn't afford to be pushed to emotions by Remus, or anyone, especially not when Thomas is there.

Stay calm.

He was not a crybaby.

Stay calm.

He was not Passion.

Stay calm.

He was not orange.

He wished there was nothing of Passion left, nothing left to feel anything, but as he curled up in his room to hide, he felt small.

~~~

tags~ @flowercrownsandtrauma

#sanders sides fic #logan sanders #logan sanders angst #tss logan #angst #orange side #sad ending #unresolved ending #thekrowiswriting

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quinintheclouds · 5 years

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I’m just waiting for the episode when the Sides are having an argument and eventually Virgil notices Logan hasn’t spoken in a while... they look to see Logan covering his mouth. They worry it’s Deceit, but instead, as soon as Patton asks if he’s okay, Logan just lets out a tiny sob and starts crying.

Okay, well now I have to write it.

....................................................

“Guys, can we stop with the yelling? This isn’t helpful.” Roman and Virgil’s fight had left Thomas with an incredible headache, and he couldn’t take another second of it.

“He’s right.” Virgil tugged at his hoodie. “We’re getting nowhere.”

Something had been off all day; everyone felt it. A beat passed before Virgil could place his unease. “Logan, you haven’t said anything in a while — what do you think?”

It set in that Logan had been uncharacteristically absent from the conversation, and everyone turned to acknowledge him. Logan was standing with one arm folded against his chest and a hand clasped firmly to his mouth.

Roman gasped and drew his sword. “Deceit?”

Though the others stiffened in preparation, Patton shook his head. He knew Logan best, and this was still his Logan.

“Lo?” The room hushed at the quiet strength in Patton’s sincerity.

Logan had kept his eyes averted until now, fixated hopelessly on the wall’s big picture, but something in Patton’s tone made him look over to meet his safe, familiar gaze. There was a pause of recognition between the two.

“Are you okay?”

That broke him. A quick, barely audible sob escaped Logan’s lips and through his trembling fingers, and the tears came all at once. Logan tightened his arm about his ribs, compressing his lungs and forcing his palm still harder against his mouth. All attempts to steady himself failed. He stood shaking silently while everyone else exchanged looks of confusion and fear. Except for Patton. He was still staring right at Logan, unfaltering and calm. Logan almost laughed at the irony, but instead choked on his frustration.

Each tear scorched his skin in a cruel confirmation that everything he’d worked for, everything he’d tried so hard to be, had been undone. Irreparably. All he’d accomplished lately was hurt the others and fail to serve his one purpose. His glasses fogged, pulling clarity even further from reach, and he clenched his eyes shut. Hand and face were drenched in this horrifying display of vulnerability.

No one spoke for a long time. Logan swallowed hard and let out all the air he’d been holding. He looked around the room at the faces of the people he’d let down. Then, against his own volition, one thought finally broke through the last of his defenses. “I’m just so... lost.”

Virgil’s voice caught in his throat. “I know.”

#logan angst #virgil angst too tbh #and patton angst wow why do I do this?#analogical #logicality #I really really feel like this is gonna happen #at least I really want it to #not exactly like this but logan desperately needs to cry #he can't keep it all bottled forever #anger and content aren't the only emotions Lo #my posts #my writing #fanfic isn't my wheelhouse; don't judge me too harshly <3 #ts spoilers #sorta?#I saw other ppl tagging it as this so I'm adding it now <3 #Ohhhh I guess the last 2 lines maybe?

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loganofthenorth · 2 years

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Someone: Roceit is the angstiest ship.

Me: Nah there's angstier ships my guy

Someone: Oh?

Me: First of all: *presents Dukexiety*

Someone: Okay yeah, fair, that's a pretty angsty ship.

Me: Yes. Now, second of all. *Presents Logicality*

Someone: ...

Me: ...

Someone: Yeah you're going to have to elaborate on that one.

:keepreading:

(Let's see if the keep reading works)

Me: Gladly. Exhibit A:

Logan: All this because Patton can't get over one person?

Patton: Logan, can you stop? Please?

Me: Exhibit B:

Patton: I'm not explaining this philosophy very well... Logan, what would an actual philosopher have to say about what I'm saying?

Logan: *answers, but it makes Patton look bad*

Patton: *skips all*

Someone: Okay but how is that second one angstier than-

Me: HE ASKED FOR LOGAN'S OPINION, AND THEN CLICKED A BUTTON THAT WOULD BASICALLY BE TELLING LOGAN TO SHUT UP BECAUSE HE DIDN'T LIKE LOGAN'S OPINION

Someone: ...

Me: ...

Someone: Wait, yeah! You're right!

Me: Thank you. Also, *presents Royality*

Someone: But-

Me: Have you seen SVS and SVS Redux?

Someone: Yeah but-

Me: So let me point out something. Virgil's first appearance, what does Thomas tell Roman to do when he summons him?

Someone: Get rid of Virgil but that's Prinxiety angst not-

Me: Shhh, I'll get to the point. Okay so at the end of season 1, Virgil ducts out right? Which could mean, in a way, Roman succeeded in doing what Thomas asked him to do.

Someone: Huh... That's actually... Yeah, but, what does that have to do with-

Me: THOMAS AND PATTON GUILT TRIPPED AND GASLIGHTED ROMAN FOR DOING EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS TOLD TO DO

Someone: ...

Me: They were like:

Thomas: Roman why are you so mean to Virgil?

Patton: Yeah Roman, why are you so mean to Virgil?

Roman: *people pleaser tendencies kick in* I don't know... *confused and frustrated* Look I'm literally the embodiment of positivity and he's the embodiment of negativity, maybe that's why?

Someone: Okay, yeah, you have a point.

Me: So yeah, Roman's made to feel like a school yard bully for doing exactly what Thomas asked of him, and is like: "Alright so now I need to be friends with Virgil." And eventually he succeeds. In fact, I'm pretty sure Virgil is Roman's best friend after SVS Redux and Flirting with Social Anxiety.

Someone: True

Me: But then in comes Janus. Something else I'd like to point out about Roman, because his goals and the things he wants for Thomas are always considered selfish by Patton and unrealistic by Logan and Virgil, Roman tends to always end up playing a supporting role for someone else's argument, or completely dismissed for his own. Janus, however, actually fights for Thomas to pick what Roman wants for him.

Someone: Oh yeah! That's like, why I ship Roceit!

Me: Yes! And that's why Roman is like: "I mean, he's not all bad." But Patton is always like: "Roman how could you side with a villain?" And Roman's black and white thinking and people pleasing tendencies kick in and he's like: "You're right. If Deceit is a villain and he's one of the only people that really supports me, then there must be something wrong with what I'm doing."

Someone: Oh no...

Me: So Roman sacrifices his own goals. He sacrifices them even though Thomas admitted he wanted to go to the Callback because he felt so guilty for succeeding because Patton convinced him Janus is the bad guy.

Someone: Yeah... Yeah that's a good point... You really don't like Patton though Huh?

Me: Oh I do love Patton, he just has his moments where he reminds me of past abusers... Also Roman reminds me of people I'm really protective over and I'm basically a mix of Logan, Janus, and Remus (I don't say or do the things Remus says and does but the personality behind that is what I relate to or at least my interpretation of it) so yeah...

Someone: Oh, wow, okay.

Me: Anywho, so once Roman is completely like: "Janus is bad guy" guess what happens? That's right folks, Janus is a good guy now, and Roman is once again nothing but a school yard bully for being mean to him.

Someone: ... Hey wait, yeah!

Me: And don't get me wrong the first time I watched 'Accepting Anxiety' and 'SVS Redux' I thought Roman was being a school yard bully. Then I rewatched Sanders Sides like five or seven times since October.

Someone: Are you okay?

Me: No, but that's irrelevant. This time Patton and Thomas fail to Gaslight Gatekeep Guilt trip Roman into being nice to Janus, because it was easier for Roman to accept someone that fought against him than it is to accept someone who fights for him.

Someone: *crying for Roman*

Me: So yes. Royality is a very angsty ship. You just gotta look into it. Though I consider Roman and Patton more like a father son relationship. I can only really see Patton in a romantic relationship with Logan or Janus and I don't like Logicality so I usually ship Moceit or don't have a ship for Patton. (I make exceptions to this in AUs though.)

Someone: Okay, that has to be all of them right?

Me: ...

Someone: Right?

Me: No. *brings out Kingceit*

Someone: ...

Me: ...

Someone: You win.

#sanders sides #roceit #dukexiety #logicality #logicality angst #royality #Royality angst #kingceit #sanders sides ships

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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 3 years

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Words, Words, Words

Prompt: Hey, prompt idea! I would love some roman angst where after POF he stops talking and the other assume that he's mad at them when in reality he is unable to speak. As a selective mute myself, I would love to read a fic like this! - anon

it's been a while since I've posted fresh Roman angst and WOW did this jump out at me and go hey do you wanna project really really hard onto a character?

Read on Ao3

Warnings: Roman is nonverbal for a lot of this story and some of the things he does when he’s upset by that are self-destructive, nothing explicit

Pairings: the found family kick aint stopping

Word Count: 4128

He didn’t do it on purpose. He swears, he—he didn’t do it on purpose.

He just couldn’t talk.

It—it hurt, of…of course, it hurt to—to see the fallout of his bad decision explode with such…disastrous consequences. It hurt to see Patton so upset and confused because everyone was expecting him to have answers that he didn’t and—and Roman will take the blame for that, that’s his fault. And it hurt to see Logan so upset even when he was just there in his lowdowns and he—he didn’t have to be so cruel to Logan, that’s his fault too. And it—

…it hurt to see that he really is just as awful as Remus, even if J—

No. It doesn’t matter.

Roman messed up. Really, really bad. And he’ll take the blame for that, he will, he—he knows he hasn’t been the best at accepting the blame in the past, but…he’ll take this one.

But he didn’t do this on purpose.

Roman doesn’t know whether it’s because he’s Creativity, or whether he’s the Ego, or what, but sometimes he just…can’t speak. Sometimes his words machine will just…stop working and he won’t be able to speak. He can normally still write or text, and he can understand when others talk, he just can’t say anything.

The others don’t know, at least he’s never told them. He doesn’t want to be a bother—or have them start to make fun of him when he can’t defend himself—so he normally makes his writing days the ones where he can’t speak out loud. It’s a good way to make sure no one’s worried about why he’s shut up in his room all day or why he’s not speaking much at dinner. Plus, what kind of a prince would he be if he couldn’t talk?

Don’t worry, he knows he’s not a prince.

But the others like Prince Roman. Or rather, they like the narrative function that Prince Roman fulfills. So he does his best to make sure they…get that.

But he didn’t mean for it to happen, not like this.

He…he knows he messed up after the wedding. He sunk out and made it to his room and fell to his knees, hurt from everything and then some. The bruises hadn’t shown through his costume or gotten too far down his sleeves, but he—he still felt them. He tried to get up and make it to the shower to just wash off the day—the week—the month but getting his arms up to peel away the costume left him panting and he just wanted to curl up and sleep until everything stopped hurting.

He managed to get himself into the shower and felt his tongue become lead in his mouth.

He cleared his throat to try and make a noise but all that escaped was a soft rush of air.

It…hurt.

It wasn’t gone by morning. Most of the time he can sleep it off or—or if he just gives it some time he’ll—he’ll be fine but it wasn’t gone. His tongue lay there, useless, and he couldn’t say a word.

That was okay, though, he could—he could make this a writing day. He wouldn’t dare touch anything he wanted to make for Thomas, his hands would shake too much and he—he doesn’t know what Thomas wants anymore so he wouldn’t get it right even if he could try.

No, no, he could…he could write things for him today.

Not as a reward for his atrocious behavior, not anything that would be read by anyone else or be useful in any way, but just to…to get some of the worst bits of him out so he wasn’t absolutely abominable when the others wanted him again. Yes, today he could…write.

‘Writing,’ what an interesting word for being willing to sit and bleed for others to see.

Roman’s words don’t so much as pour out of him as much as he sets his fingers on his keys and then can’t control his typing. He just—it hurt and he knows that no one else would want to hear about his hurt so he pours them out into the blank spaces in the white page and tries to imagine that maybe, maybe, someone would read them and see how badly it hurt and pull him close and tell him that everything would be okay.

If maybe, if he wrote a story good enough, if he made it hurt enough, someone would care.

He sits there and pours into the blank document until it’s panting and weary from the torrent of words, until his hands ache and the tips of his fingers are worn warm and raw from the click-click-click of the keys. Until the hurt he feels gathers up into a small, dark well just under his tongue, right in the bottom of his jaw, itching and screaming to get out. It leaks out down his arms, making the inside of his wrists tingle as he types.

No one will read this, no one will see it. These words won’t see the light of day anytime soon.

And Roman’s tongue is still made of lead.

He takes his words and lets them tumble clumsily out of his hands, trying in vain to scoop them up and shove them out of his mouth instead but his tongue won’t cooperate. He knows he can’t talk, that he can’t force it, that trying to make it happen will only lead to more pain.

But he wants to try.

When his words aren’t back by the next day, he swallows what’s left of his pride, which isn’t much, and goes out to face the others.

He finds Patton first. Patton doesn’t acknowledge him, so he sits politely down on the couch with a notebook and waits, trying to see if his words will come out through the pen instead of his tongue. But Patton doesn’t talk to him unless he’s asking if Roman wants a drink and well, Roman doesn’t—doesn’t need words for that.

Patton looks so disappointed in him.

He wants to try. He wants to open his mouth and tell Patton he’s sorry. Sorry for everything. He wants to. He wants to.

He opens his mouth and his tongue deflates, useless, just enough for him to sigh and hunch his shoulders in defeat.

He doesn’t want to disappoint Patton, he wasn’t trying to disappoint Patton, he wants to apologize and be better, but he can’t.

Perhaps that is the true disappointment.

Logan is next to appear because Logan is Logan and Roman loves him and Logan always gets his cup of coffee in the morning before breakfast. He walks down the stairs and also does not look at Roman which is fine because that is what Roman deserves but he wants to try.

He opens his mouth to call out to Logan or Patton but his tongue is so heavy and he can’t. He can’t speak. He should be able to speak, he should be able to say something to Logan, he should be able to tell him how sorry he is but he can’t and he’s useless.

His pen stands frozen on the notebook pages, leaving a big, dark, useless well of ink.

Logan sits down on the couch with a book and his coffee. He doesn’t look up at Roman. Roman stares at him, pleading, hoping that Logan will look up and meet his gaze, and maybe, just maybe, he can see how sorry Roman is and it will—something will be better.

“Don’t stare at me, Roman, it’s rude.”

Roman’s cheeks burn as he looks away. Logan didn’t move his eyes from the book once.

He picks up the pen and watches it drip onto the page. The pages are wet, now, so much so that when he tries to pull them apart they stick together, the lines threatening to tear as he tries to separate them.

He leaves them be.

The next few hours are spent in a loop of trying to open his mouth to say something and only a soft rush of air escaping. He tries to hold it behind his hand and say please, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so awful, I’ll be better, I promise, but the words won’t come. His tongue is taunting him, he decides, by pressing insistently up against the back of his teeth until he has to open his mouth only for it to refuse to produce words.

He wants Logan to explain to him that talking works for him too. That the vocal chords and the muscles of the throat moving together build up pressure behind the larynx, which then chops up the stream of air to produce a steady oscillation for a sustained sound. He wants Logan to say it in that voice of his that makes it so everything makes sense so of course, Roman, you can speak, it’s okay. Everything is okay.

But Logan would never say that, not to Roman, because Roman’s words aren’t worth Logan’s time.

When Virgil comes downstairs, he tries. He really tries. He opens his mouth and everything and takes a deep breath and—

Virgil marches straight over to Logan and sits down, his head on Logan’s shoulder and the two of them could not be paying any less attention to Roman.

The wind gets knocked out of him. His mouth falters closed. He tries to open it away but his jaws are stiff and gummy, his teeth aching in his mouth as he tries to just talk. He just wants to say something, he just wants to apologize, he just waits to be sorry and have them all know he’s sorry, he’s so sorry, but they won’t know because he doesn’t have words.

The words he wants to say are queuing up at the back of his throat, weighing his mouth down and he wants to say them, but he—he—he can’t. He wants to tell Virgil that he’s sorry he’s been the worst friend ever, that he’s sorry he’s so awful to their famILY, that he’ll go away and leave them all alone if that’s what they want but he can’t say a damn word of it out loud and he’s going to cry.

But he can’t because crying isn’t words and the only thing the others want from him is words.

If Virgil notices him trying, which he probably doesn’t, he’s kind enough not to say anything.

Roman is terrified when Remus comes.

Because Remus is loud and loves nothing more than to make Roman’s life harder. If Remus knew he was nonverbal right now, his best bet would be to leave as quickly as possible because he—

Wait, no.

If Roman wanted it to be best for him, he would leave as fast as possible. But Roman doesn’t know anything anymore so he doesn’t move.

Remus, as it turns out, doesn’t care about Roman—which, why would he?—and instead flops proudly onto the floor and begins to talk animatedly with Logan about something.

Roman wants to say sorry. Sorry that he’s never done anything right when it comes to Remus, sorry that he thinks being compared to him is the worst thing possible, sorry that he’s Roman and Remus is stuck with him.

But his tongue is lifeless.

So he is quiet, flipping aimlessly through his notebook, looking for something to give his words back.

Was he selfish yesterday? Did he use all of them up on something no one would ever see? No, no, that’s not how it works, he just—he knows he should be able to talk, maybe if he just waits a little longer, his words will come back.

But then Janus appears.

And Roman needs to be able to talk now.

Because he needs to tell Janus that he’s sorry. That he messed everything up and he’s awful and he knows it and he’s so, so, so sorry. And he needs to know that it isn’t a lie, that Roman is genuinely sorry and he just needs to speak, if he could just open his mouth and say something and say that he’s sorry and—and—

Janus stops and looks right at him.

Roman’s breath catches in his throat.

Janus’s eyes narrow.

Please, please, I’m sorry, let me say I’m sorry, I can’t speak, I want to speak, let me speak—

Janus’s face cools into stone and he deliberately turns away.

Roman wants to scream.

He scrambles away from the living room and his hands fly to his hair, squeezing, pulling, trying to rip the sound from his throat because it won’t come otherwise. Trying to reach deep inside and find something, some word, some sound, some thing just to make it so he can talk, say he’s sorry, say anything.

The computer screen blinks mockingly at him. Come on, it taunts, where was this agony when you were pouring your words out onto me yesterday? Why do you ache so badly now when you know you can’t do anything about it? Is it worth it?

Nothing will ever be worth this. To have them there, right in front of him, and not be able to tell them how sorry he is.

A silent scream is the best he can do.

It doesn’t stop. His tongue doesn’t flicker back to life. Even after two days, three days, four, he still can’t manage to speak. He can’t manage to open his mouth and make a single word come out. He tries. He sits down in front of the computer and glares at the screen, forcing his mouth to make the shapes and forcing his vocal chords to make the sounds.

He never gets further than a single word.

He rushes, slurs, cheats in any way he can, and doesn’t even manage to get to the end of a sentence.

He’s panting, in tears, trying, trying, trying so hard to say something, anything, because if he can say one thing, he can say more, and if he can say more, he can tell them how sorry he is.

Roman would gladly give up all the words he doesn’t have to be able to say ‘sorry’ again.

(Logan, downstairs, glances up from his book.

Virgil is sprawled next to him on the couch, his head resting against Logan’s thigh. Patton is sitting on the other end, Virgil’s legs in his lap as he talks to Janus. Janus sits in the chair, his own book forgotten on his lap. Well, almost forgotten as he tugs it out of Remus’s grasp as he makes…something on the floor.

“It’s been quiet recently,” he remarks to himself, “almost…peaceful.”

Virgil shifts. “Yeah, I know. I kinda like it.”

“So do I.” He glances down and, after a moment of hesitation, slides his hand into Virgil’s hair. “Is this alright?”

“Yeah, L, that’s fine.”

“Aww, you two are cute.” Patton grins at them. “It’s been nice lately, hasn’t it?”

“Mm.” Janus tugs the book out of Remus’s reach again. “Remus, I certainly understand what you want with my book.”

“Art, Janny.”

Janus rolls his eyes fondly but his gaze softens as he takes in the room. It has been quiet. A good kind of quiet.

He doesn’t know it didn’t happen on purpose.

That Roman isn’t being quiet on purpose.

He didn’t do it on purpose.

Because when has anything Roman’s done on purpose been right?)

——————————————

Thomas sighs, his hands on his hips, as Patton and Logan begin to bicker for the third time in the past ten minutes. Across from him, Virgil is fidgeting uncomfortably as his gaze flicks back and forth between Janus and Thomas.

“Guys, are you really not going to do anything about this?”

“Oh, yes, because that’s how we solve every problem, just make me deal with it.”

“Okay, first of all, I said you guys meaning you and Thomas, second—“

“Oh, here we go, another lecture, oh goodie.”

“That is not what I’m doing—“

And now Virgil and Janus are fighting too. Thomas resists the urge to bury his face in his hands. Barely. Just barely. He shakes his head. The Sides aren’t normally this hard to manage, typically it’s just a matter of everyone actually understanding what’s going on and then one of them will propose a solution and they’ll all wrangle it around from angle to angle until he finally gets a workable one.

Not this time.

He’s not sure why nothing’s working, but everything that’s been proposed just sounds like another problem, not a solution. Why coming up with ideas is so hard today, he doesn’t—

Wait.

Has…has Roman said anything today?

Thomas glances at Roman. Roman stands where he always does, watching the others with a strangely blank look on his face. Thomas frowns. Roman…Roman doesn’t look great. He looks paler than usual, his face is a little poofy.

“Roman?”

Roman looks at him, his brow quirked.

“Do you…have any ideas?”

Roman’s face falls and he swallows. Thomas’s frown deepens when Roman shakes his head sadly.

“Hey, wait,” Virgil says, turning to face him, “Thomas is right. You haven’t said anything all meeting.”

“You have been remarkably quiet. Especially for you.” Logan adjusts his glasses. “Have you not come up with a single idea?”

“Okay, guys, wait—“ Thomas tries.

“No wonder we aren’t making any progress,” Virgil cries, throwing up his hands, “it’s because the guy whose job it is to come up with ideas isn’t doing anything!”

“That…would explain it.”

“Come on, kiddo,” Patton says, looking at Roman, “you must have something.”

Roman just shakes his head again.

“Of course he doesn’t want to share it with us,” Virgil growls, “he’s probably waiting for us to figure it out for him because he’s still mad.”

Patton sighs, shaking his head and putting his hands on his hips. Even Thomas wants to flush from the disappointment in his voice. “I understand being mad at us, kiddo—I’m not happy about it, but I understand it—but taking it out on Thomas? That’s really selfish of you.”

Roman flinches, his hand going to his chest. Janus rolls his eyes.

“Oh, Roman doesn’t know what that word means, remember? He’s all about selflessness, not selfishness, no, not a single selfish bone in his body, Roman.”

Virgil snorts.

“I am also disappointed,” Logan sighs, “but not surprised. But seriously, Roman, I think this temper tantrum of yours has gone on long enough.”

“Watch out, he’s gonna say it’s not a temper tantrum.”

Is…is this how they are to Roman all the time? Thomas stares at the other Sides in confusion. Has he just never noticed how mean they are to each other before? Or is this…new? He looks back at Roman and opens his mouth to say something when he notices Roman’s hand is still on his chest.

And…moving.

His thumb is tucked against the top of his fist and Thomas watches as it circles once, twice, and stops. Once, twice, and stops.

“Roman,” he says softly, cutting through the growing voices of the others, “Roman, why are you sorry?”

“What?”

“Thomas, what’re you—“

“That—this—“ Thomas makes the sign himself—“that’s the ASL for ‘sorry.’ Remember?”

Logan looks back at Roman who does it again. “So it is. But—Roman, why are you communicating using ASL, which none of us are fluent in? Most of us aren’t fluent in, my apologies, Janus—“ Janus waves him off— “why not just say that you’re sorry?”

“Roman,” Thomas asks, still quiet, “can you speak?”

They all watch in silence as Roman slowly shakes his head.

“What do you mean you can’t speak?”

“Probably just that, Virgil.” Logan adjusts his glasses.

Thomas spares him a glance before refocusing on Roman. “Are you okay, buddy?”

Roman looks at the ground. Virgil watches him for a moment before leaning to Logan.

“I’m gonna guess that’s a ‘no.’”

“How long has this been happening?”

“Yes or no questions, guys,” Thomas reminds, “and…not too many.”

“Right.” Logan takes a breath and when he speaks again, Thomas furrows his brow at how much softer Logan sounds. “Roman, has this been happening since the beginning of the meeting?”

Roman nods.

“Has it been happening for longer?”

Another nod.

“How long,” Virgil asks warily, only for Logan to hiss ‘yes or no’ in his ear, “right, um…has it been happening for longer than a day?”

Roman nods, studiously avoiding eye contact. Janus bites back a curse.

“Roman, have you not been able to speak since the wedding?”

When Roman nods again, Thomas has to bite back a curse of his own. Virgil doesn’t.

“Fuck, Princey, why didn’t you tell one of us?”

“With what words,” Janus spits, “and who’s to say we would’ve believed him?”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Patton murmurs, reaching for him, “I’m so sorry.”

At this, Roman shakes his head furiously.

“Hey, hey, easy, Princey, it’s okay, what was that for?”

“He seemed to really dislike the idea of Patton apologizing…”

“What were you apologizing for, Roman,” Thomas asks instead, “before we—before?”

Roman nods.

“Yeah, bud, you were apologizing, do you remember what for?”

A nod.

“He’s saying ‘yes,’” Virgil murmurs.

“Yeah, we got that.”

“No, I mean—“ Virgil sighs— “you asked him what he was apologizing for and he’s saying ‘yes.’ That means anything you could ask him if he’s apologizing for, he’d say yes.”

“So…” Logan looks back and forth between them. “He’s apologizing for…everything?”

“Yeah.”

And Roman nods.

“Oh, sweetie,” Janus says softly and whoa, that’s…unexpected, “you don’t need to do that.”

Roman’s mouth hardens stubbornly as if to say yes I do.

“You can’t be blamed for not being able to speak, Roman,” Logan says gently, “it’s not your fault.”

“Kiddo,” Patton calls when Roman still looks unsure, “are you mad at us?”

Roman’s head snaps up and he shakes his head frantically. Patton holds out his arms to soothe him.

“And we’re not mad at you, sweetheart, it’s okay. We’ll figure it out.”

“Let’s call it here,” Thomas says, giving Roman a nod, “we can figure this out later.”

“What do you need, Roman,” Virgil asks, “how can we help?”

“That’s…definitely not a yes or no question.”

Thomas frowns. Then he reaches out a hand.

“Hey!” Remus pops up, manic grin and all. “What’s shakin’, bacon?”

“I do not think bacon shakes, Remus.”

“Sir Francis Bacon?”

“What?”

“You two gotta stop watching Phineas and Ferb,” Virgil mutters.

Remus just grins and turns, freezing when he sees Roman. Thomas blinks and Remus’s entire demeanor changes.

“Ro-Bro? Roro, you okay?”

Roman looks up at him. Remus lays a hand on his shoulder.

“You nonverbal?”

Roman nods. Remus wraps his arms around Roman’s waist.

“I’m taking this,” he announces, “bye!”

Thomas chuckles as Remus sinks out, Roman in tow, even as Patton and Virgil rush after them going ‘let us help!’ Logan just rolls his eyes fondly and follows them. Thomas catches hold of Janus’s cloak before he can leave too.

“Are you guys always like that to Roman?”

Janus gives him a strange look. “You mean are you always like that to Roman?”

“What?”

“We’re you, Thomas,” Janus says bluntly, “we’re the physical manifestation of what goes on in your head. Or have you forgotten that your main way of problem-solving is to summon metaphysical color-coded versions of yourself and talk to them?”

“Your point?”

“The way we act is how you see us. We behave how our respective parts of you behave.” Janus gives him a look. “If you think we’re being mean to Roman, what does that say about how you feel about your Ego or your Creativity?”

Oh.

Oh, no.

“Take better care of yourself,” Janus says, softer now, “and it might surprise you.”

“You really can’t help yourself, can you?”

“I think,” Janus says, looking far too smug as he pulls away, “you mean that you can’t help yourself.”

Thomas scoffs as Janus disappears but after a few seconds, his words start to make sense. He turns to grab his laptop and opens it, finding a blank document and watching the cursor blink.

The others might not be able to listen to Roman, but he always can.

“Alright,” he mutters to himself, “let’s see what Roman’s got to say.”

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my-happy-little-bean · 3 years

Text

The Rainbow Manor

pairing: platonic DLAMP words: 5138 warnings: swearing, references to homophobia, toxic/homophobic parents, brief description of a small injury, blood, brief descriptions of panic/anxiety attacks, crying, angst

a/n - hello friends! hope everyone is doing well! i was lucky enough to be commissioned by the lovely @youronelesbianfriend to write this story (side note, their commissions are open too so...whatcha still doin here, go and do that!). i was overjoyed when i saw the prompt she gave me, and had such a good time writing it! (also inspired me to maybe formally advertise commissions? you can peek at my tumblr every now and then to see if i do, but if you also want one you can DM me!)

so without further ado, here is some content ✨

read on ao3!

—

The Rainbow Manor is a lot of things.

It’s a home for the biggest family that could exist. It’s a safe haven from the cold, stormy outdoors. It’s the kind of blanket made of the same velvet the night sky is made of; it’s quiet, it’s warm, and it’s filled with stars. All it takes is one step inside and you would find yourself filled with a sense of belonging, of hope.

You could run the furthest distance away from it all, and the Rainbow Manor would always open its doors to you.

Patton would know. He was the first one to try.

~*~

“Okay, so here’s what happened,” Roman Prince said, looking down at his clipboard as he weaved him and Patton through the halls. “I was going to show the new people around myself, but then I forgot the paperwork in your office — and then I realized, ‘hey, what better person to show them around than The Man himself!’; capital T, capital M!”

Patton half-heartedly smiled as he snuck a peek at Roman’s papers.

“How many are there?”

“Three, so it won’t be too bad. One of them’s Virgil — you remember Virgil, right?”

“Right.” Patton smiled fondly, remembering Roman’s birthday party last year. Him and Virgil had shown up covered in cake. He never really saw Virgil after that day, but clearly him and Roman stayed acquainted against all odds.

They turned a corner into the break room where three people sat around a table. Roman clapped his hands.

“Alrighty! Sorry for the wait.”

All three of them stood up. The one in the black and purple hoodie—the one Patton recognized as Virgil—rolled his eyes.

“Waiting is part of the contract with you, Princey.”

Roman faux-gasped. “Hey, that was one time! And if I didn’t take too long that day, we would have taken the wrong cake!”

“We did take the wrong cake, Roman. That’s why it exploded.”

“...Oh yeah.” Roman grinned. “Forgot about that.”

Virgil shook his head, but showed a hint of a smile. Patton took a step forward to extend his hand out to him.

“Nice to see you again, Virgil!” He then addressed the two behind him. “And if we’re talking cake, I guess you both can call me Patton-cake!”

The one wearing a black, short-sleeve button up frowned, adjusting their thin blue tie.

“I read on the website that your name is Patton Morgan.”

“It’s like patty-cake, but Patton-cake!”

“...Right.”

“Ignore my friend’s simply lively commentary.” The last person stepped forward. They wore a pale-yellow button up under a grey vest. “That’s Logan. Do not be astounded by how that pencil is both sharp and dull — he’s always like that.”

“And that’s Janus,” Logan seethed, crossing his arms. “They’re always like that.”

Patton chuckled. “Well it’s nice to meet you both. I’ll show you guys around?”

They all nodded, following Patton as he led them out the door. The icy awkwardness of first encounters fortunately thawed as conversation quickly blossomed. Patton learned that Logan was the new volunteer manager and was close friends with Janus, who was joining the growing team of counsellors. Virgil, on the other hand, was the newly-appointed social media and communications coordinator; a position Roman used to double as alongside being head of recreation and programming, until he overdid it with the website graphics and crashed the site for two days. Sometimes, change was necessary, Patton learned.

“So that’s pretty much the whole place!” Patton said brightly at the end of the tour, stopping outside his office. He handed them their job description packages. “I hope you all get situated soon! And if you ever need anything, you now know where my office is!” He motioned to the door with jazz-hands. “Here!”

“Thank you, Patton,” Logan hummed. He looked around idly. “I must say, I am rather impressed by how well-established and organized the facility is, especially for one that is fairly new.”

“Well call me corny, ‘cause all I can say is ‘aw shucks’!” Patton beamed. “You know, if you told me almost a year ago that I’d be standing here today, I think I’d be impressed too!” He nudged at Roman. “But I obviously didn’t do any of it alone. It’s the people that really make this place home — people like Roman, who’s been with me since the very beginning!”

“Oh, Patton! You make me sound like the hero of this place.” Roman pretended to flip his hair. “So thank you!”

“A humble hero,” Virgil retorted. Roman just stuck out his tongue at him.

“But in all seriousness, Patton’s downplaying his efforts to the floor!” Roman wrapped an arm around Patton’s waist and pulled him in close. He waved out in front of him. “He’s a true phoenix who rose from the ashes and built this place with his own two hands!” Roman then spun Patton away from him, a trail of giggles following suit. “Plus he does a bunch of other stuff too! He has, like, a gazillion side-gigs, he sometimes volunteers at an animal shelter…”

“It sounds like you may also be interested in a day off,” Janus piped up.

“It’s really not that much!” Patton awkwardly shuffled where he stood. “I...I like staying busy.”

Janus tilted their head at him. “Right.”

Patton shot them a quick smile before diving back into the end of their paperwork. Then the three of them, along with Roman, said their goodbyes and scattered to their respective offices.

Patton leaned against his office door with a wry smile. They all seemed like nice people, he thought. He was lucky to have them.

(Roman’s words from weeks ago echoed in his head; the same words that were said to him the night of his first breakdown, when they first called.

“You need all the help you can get, Pat.”)

And he needed all the help he could get.

~*~

A few days later, Patton found himself leaning against the front of his desk, outstretching his hand towards the teen in front of him.

“Jonah, your feelings are valid, no matter what they are.”

The words slid off Patton’s tongue almost effortlessly. Jonah sniffled.

“I know, Pat. And– and I’ve already made a lot of friends here that have told me that. It’s been so good for me here, but…” Jonah buried their face in their hands. “Every night before I go to sleep, I can’t stop thinking about what they told me before they kicked me out. It’s like I get tunnel vision. I can see the person I have grown to be on the other side, but all I’m doing is going backwards.”

Jonah looked up at Patton with teary eyes. “And I don’t wanna go back, Patton. I...I don’t want to go back.”

Patton felt a chill run through his spine. Quiet echoes buried themselves in the back of his mind.

“I understand that it’s difficult to feel like you’re moving forward when it feels like the most important people in your life are pushing you back. And it...it sucks. I’m so sorry.” Patton swallowed down the temptation to cave as he continued. “I...I think all we can do is remember that those important forces in your life aren’t what’s given to you, but are what’s found. And I feel like you’ve done a lot of searching — for now, try and let yourself be found.”

Jonah broke into a small smile. Before Patton knew it, the teen stumbled forward into an embrace, holding Patton tight and crying. Patton’s hands hovered in the air behind their back, unsure of what to do. Eventually, Patton came to his senses and hugged them back.

“I’m thankful I found this place,” Jonah mumbled into Patton’s chest. “It’s– it’s built on a lot of hope. I don’t think I could have found it anywhere else.”

Patton’s heart shattered.

‘I wish I could give you more.’ He squeezed Jonah tighter. ‘I’d give you all I had, and you’d never know.’

Jonah left a few minutes later, thanking Patton for giving them a space to be honest. All Patton could do was nod numbly. He knew Jonah was new and it was hard to be new here, but Patton was certain that they’d find their place. The kids who came here always did.

Patton walked around his desk to sit down. He took one look at his phone, frowned, then set it aside with a sigh. For a brief moment, Patton relished sitting in the precious silence that finally found his office.

Then, a knock on his door.

“Come in!” Patton said, straightening up and folding his hands neatly on his desk. The door cracked open and Logan’s head peeked in.

“Is this a good time, Patton?”

“Yeah, of course!”

Logan stepped inside and handed some papers to Patton.

“I filed through the volunteer applications and started arranging interviews in the coming weeks. I just wanted to run the dates by you before I start contacting people. Hopefully they suffice.”

“Wow! Thank you, Lo.” Patton took the papers, slowly sifting through them. “These look really good! I’ll have a look at them tonight.”

“Tonight?” Logan echoed. “Are you staying late again?”

“Oh! Yeah, I am.” Patton shrugged. “Just a bit of extra paperwork.”

“Well if you require any assistance tonight, I can stay around–”

“No, no! That won’t be necessary.” Patton waved his hand dismissively. “Go and enjoy your night, Lo.”

Logan’s stare seemed to bury itself through Patton, enough for Patton to look away.

“...Well, please do not hesitate to let me know if you need anything else.”

As Logan was leaving, Patton felt his phone buzz. He snuck a peek and paled.

‘Missed call(s): Mother (2) - 5:34 PM’

“Um, leave the door open, Lo!” Patton suddenly blurted out. Logan turned around and tilted his head. Patton flimsily added, “I– I think I’m going to try and get some air.”

Logan nodded, lifting his hand off the door handle before walking out. Patton took a deep breath and then stuffed his phone in his pocket before leaving as well.

—

Later that evening, Patton wandered into his office in a daze. He turned the lights on and inwardly groaned at the stacks of paper awaiting him.

He dragged his feet to his desk, only stopping to check his phone. The ‘missed call’ notification lingered, except now the number was ‘3’.

Patton felt his jaw tighten. He couldn’t run forever.

As he sat down, he noticed a small cup behind one stack of paper. He grabbed it. The smell of coffee swarmed his head. He smiled, noticing a small sticky note on its side.

“Keep up the great work. Your friend, Logan.”

~*~

“Okay everyone! Grab your brushes!”

Patton blinked. Somehow, his memory of the manor floors failed him, and he ended up in the recreation room. He felt eyes stare up at him, Roman’s included.

“Ah, Patton! Man of the hour! What brings you here?”

Patton sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. “I, um, got lost! If you could believe it, heh.”

“ ‘Lost’ is just a way of saying ‘found, but with a few extra steps’!” Roman motioned to an empty seat. “How about you join us for a bit?”

Patton opened his mouth to protest, though felt cornered by all the expectant stares. He even spotted Jonah, who smiled and waved at him. Patton sighed. He had been wound up for days now; perhaps Roman’s theatrics was all he needed.

He finally nodded, going over to sit in front of the vacant canvas. Roman grinned at him with a warmth Patton let himself melt into.

“Alright! Let’s begin.” Roman cleared his throat. “I want you to pull on the colours of your heartstrings. Forget form, structure– even an outline. Your emotions know no bounds, after all! Just remember, your hand is not controlling the brush — it’s your heart.”

Patton felt the words wash over him. Roman, of course, was right; he didn’t even notice his hand moving as he painted. Though somehow, it didn’t feel as peaceful as Roman described it to be. Instead, it felt like something was being pulled out of Patton, as though a claw was scooping something out of his chest and spilling it onto the canvas.

Suddenly, his ringtone cut through Roman’s monologue. Patton jumped, dropping his brush. A line of paint dragged across the canvas as it fell. All eyes were on him again.

“Um, excuse me! I– I’m just going to take this.” Patton pressed answer without looking at who called as he stumbled out of the room.

“Hello?”

“I see you’ve finally answered.”

Patton’s heart dropped.

—

Roman was halfway through the end of his monologue when, in the corner of his eye, he spotted Patton re-enter the room, head ducked.

“Ah! I’m glad you’re back!”

Patton nodded, but in the stilted way Roman quickly recognized. His eyes looked Patton up and down, barely listening to Patton’s stammering apology for interrupting. His hair was disheveled, which meant he ran his hand through it far too many times. His eyes were red, his jaw was tight–

He was crying.

“Anyway, I’m sorry again for leaving so soon!” Patton’s voice brought Roman back to reality. “Keep painting you guys! I gotta Van-Gogh!”

A shaky laugh followed Patton out. Roman frowned, but he nodded for everyone to continue. He passed by Patton’s canvas and snuck a peek.

It was rather abstract, with overlapping strokes forming a gradient. Roman’s gaze followed the gradient downwards. The canvas was filled with dull blues that turned into darkening greys. Towards the bottom was a thin line of black trailed all the way to Patton’s paintbrush, abandoned on the floor.

~*~

The sun sets on a long railroad, it goes past the horizon, it outstretches a hand like it’s beckoning, it’s begging you to run, run faster, everything is going faster and they just told you to go so you have to–

“Pat?”

Patton shot up in his seat with a yelp. He blinked quickly, vision focusing on the silhouette of–

“Virgil!” A strangled laugh escaped his throat. “Sorry, I didn’t hear you come in!”

Virgil replied simultaneously, “No, I’m sorry, you just weren’t answering and I got worried, but I didn’t realize you were sleeping–”

“Sleeping?” Patton looked down at the time. 5 PM.

“Oh sh– shoot, I’m gonna be late.”

“Late for?”

“Animal shelter,” Patton mumbled, stumbling out of his chair and grabbing his bag. “I forgot that I said I’d come in today– gosh how could I forget–”

“Hey.” Virgil rested a hand on Patton’s shoulder before Patton could go spiralling out the door. “Deep breath. I’ll drive you, it’ll be okay.”

Patton opened his mouth to protest, but remembered the time. He sighed and motioned wordlessly at the door. Virgil nodded, leading the two of them out towards the parking lot.

“Anyway, I’m sorry if it’s a bad time, I was just hoping to run some website revisions by you,” Virgil said as he started the car and backed out of the lot. Patton shakily smiled.

“No! It’s not a bad time at all, you can tell me about your ideas as you drive!”

“There’s not much. I was just thinking of ways to maybe make it more approachable. There’s not even really an ‘about us’ page or anything about you–”

“Why would there need to be anything about me?”

Virgil looked at him, almost confused. “It’s an amazing organization, Pat. Your name should be up there, especially as the founder…?”

“Oh! R-Right.” Patton let out a sharp laugh. “I guess I never thought about it before.”

“I could put something together tonight, I was just thinking it'd be cool to hear you talk about it.” Virgil turned at an intersection. The sign of the animal shelter soon came into view.

“I guess that’d be a good idea!” Patton shrugged. “But there’s, um, not really anything interesting to know.”

Virgil frowned, falling quiet as he parked the car. When they stopped moving, Virgil turned to face him.

“Say, would it be okay if I joined you?” Virgil shuffled awkwardly in his seat. “I, um, have a bit of a free night, and I was thinking that maybe I could just ask you stuff for the website now so I don’t have to bother you later…?”

Patton’s eyes lit up. “Oh, that sounds perfect! Liz will probably be okay with it. I think it’s bath night for the dogs, and we can always use an extra hand with that!”

Virgil chuckled, following Patton out the car and into the animal shelter.

Patton gathered the energy he had left to greet Liz and everyone else, already cooing over the various animals he and Virgil passed by. They reached the back and, with only a bit of struggle (Patton would never admit to these cute dogs being a struggle), took each dog a bath. All the while, Virgil asked Patton questions about the Rainbow Manor and his life in general, which Patton did his best to answer.

“I ended up founding the Rainbow Manor a year after I graduated.” Patton wiped his brow as they finished drying the last dog. “I had been living on Roman’s couch for so long after being kicked out and I just wanted to turn it around; not only for myself, but for other people.”

Virgil’s stare softened. “I– I’m sorry. N-Not about how you founded the place but, like...why you felt like you needed to. That must’ve been hard.”

“Yeah.” Patton forced a shrug. “It is what it is. Sometimes, you have to get lost to be found, right?”

“Right.” Virgil looked up at Patton. “Do...do you still keep in touch with them? Your parents, I mean.”

Patton felt his heart squeeze.

“It’s been so long,” he finally said. “I doubt they’d want to talk to me.”

—

Virgil offered to drive Patton back, but Patton insisted on taking a cab home. Virgil reluctantly conceded, but promised to email Patton when he drafted the additions to the website. Patton just nodded and watched Virgil drive off.

When he was sure that Virgil was completely gone, he shakily pulled out his phone and called a cab.

“Hi! I– I just need to go to The Rainbow Manor,” he said to the driver as he climbed into the car. He found himself laughing. “Long work day. It is what it is.”

~*~

Days passed, and Patton’s workload somehow doubled: new admissions, new initiatives, new everything.

(And his mother kept calling. And calling. And calling.)

To say it was a lot was an understatement.

Patton found himself going back and forth along the manor halls, forcing a smile at those he passed. He closed his eyes, turning a corner before he knocked into someone.

“Crap! I– I’m so sorry.” Patton quickly scrambled to gather the papers that had fallen onto the floor.

“Oh, don’t apologize, I always thought that important documentation would make for good confetti– ah, hello, Patton.”

Patton looked up. Janus appeared above him, outstretching their hand to help Patton up. Patton took it, scooping the papers up as he went.

“Janus! Hi! Well, if you’re looking for me...here I am!” He laughed, though it sounded scratchier than expected. “Everything okay?”

“More than, thank you. I just wanted to follow up about my schedule for the new admissions? You mentioned yesterday that I should come to you but I couldn’t find you…”

Patton winced. His chest tightened.

“F– I forgot, goodness how am I always–”

“It’s quite alright, Patton, I can always–”

“I–It’s not okay!”

In the corner of his eye, Jonah passed by. He felt their wide eyes on him. The air grew thinner.

“It’s– gah, it’s never fucking–”

“Oookay. We’re not okay and that’s...okay.”

Janus suddenly took Patton’s arm and led him to their office. They swiftly kicked the door shut with their foot as they let Patton settle on the couch.

“Breathe for me,” Janus said slowly, pulling up a chair and sitting across from Patton. They took Patton’s hand and motioned for him to follow their lead. “In for 4, hold for 7, out for 8…”

They repeated this a few more times until Patton let go of his head and his breathing evened out.

“I– I’m so sorry, Janus. I don’t know what–”

“It’s fine, Patton. I’m glad I could help.” A pause. Janus leaned back in their chair. “Is there anything you want to talk about?”

“No, everything’s fine.”

Janus raised a brow.

“Okay, everything’s not fine. But...but it will be fine. I have to be fine.” His mind drifted to Jonah. Patton buried his face in his hands.

“I can’t be like this,” he said, tears threatening to fall. “I...I just can’t. Not now, this– this can’t be happening now.”

“Unfortunately, these things tend to find us — not the other way around.” Janus squeezed Patton’s hand in a sudden moment of softness. “I...I know what this is, Patton. And I don’t have to tell you what to do because I know you know. You help so many people like you, but remember: when the plane is falling, you have to put on your oxygen mask before you help someone else.”

Patton locked eyes with Janus for a split second, opening his mouth to respond when he felt his phone ringing. Reflexively, he pulled it out in front of his lap. The air disappeared once more.

‘Incoming call: Mother’

Patton quickly pressed ‘decline’. He then looked up at Janus, whose eyes darted upwards as well.

Shit.

“I– I have to go.”

“Wait, Patton–”

“Thank you for everything, Janus,” Patton mumbled, and before Janus could reply, Patton sped out of the room and slammed the door shut behind him.

~*~

“I just don’t get it,” Roman muttered, leg bouncing under the table in the break room. “I’ve never seen him like this before.”

“You haven’t?” Janus circled the table like a hawk.

“What makes you think I have?”

“Oh, I don’t know! Maybe it’s the fact that he has about a thousand jobs! Or perhaps it’s that he’s been staying overnight every night to work as if he owns the place — oh wait! He does! But I have no idea why that might be stressful at all!”

Roman glowered at them, but said nothing.

“I can imagine that his workload presumably doubled this past month,” Logan, sitting across from Roman beside Virgil, adjusted his glasses. “Between the new admissions, growth in our volunteer admissions…”

“Okay, so he has a lot on his plate!” Roman pinched the bridge of his nose. “But I’ve seen him stressed out about these sorts of things. This is different.”

“So what else could be on his mind?” Virgil piped up.

Janus suddenly stopped in their tracks.

“His mother.”

Roman’s heart dropped. “His– his what?”

“She called him while Patton was in my office,” Janus murmured. “He left straight after.”

Virgil frowned. “Why would he...”

Roman felt as if he had burst into flames. The pieces clicked together in his head.

“The– the fucking nerve of that woman, I can’t believe she’s still–”

“Roman, what are you talking about?” Logan cut in.

Before Roman could respond, he felt a buzz in his pocket. He immediately pulled out his phone. His breathing hitched.

‘Help.’

“It’s Patton,” he blurted out, stumbling out his chair and making his way out of the room. Everyone exchanged looks, but quickly followed suit.

Roman weaved his ways through the halls until he neared Patton’s office. Loud sobs were muffled behind the door. Roman felt his heart breaking already as he opened it.

And there was Patton, on the floor, crying, and surrounded by shards of broken porcelain. Roman recognized it as a vase he had painted for him years ago. He winced seeing small drops of blood surrounding the pieces. His eyes quickly scanned the room as Logan immediately tended to Patton.

“What happened, Patton?” Logan murmured as Patton curled up closer to him, sobs still wracking his body.

“I– I’m so sorry.” Each word sounded like it was forced out of his lungs and into the air. “I– I tried to clean up, I’m sorry–”

“Shh, Patton. It’s okay.” Janus knelt down beside him, carefully lifting Patton’s wrist to examine his hand. A long cut ran across his palm. Janus looked up at Roman and Virgil.

“There’s a first-aid kit in my office, as well as a broom and dustpan. Can one of you grab it?”

Virgil nodded wordlessly, exiting the room. Roman noticed Patton’s phone beside Patton on the ground, and reached over to pick it up.

“What did she say, Pat,” Roman asked, fear edging the quiet of his voice. The words seemed to stab at Patton and let out more sobs.

“She– she found out about everything,” Patton wheezed through tears. “The– the Rainbow Manor, where I am– she wants to take it all– she can’t take it all–”

“Patton, I need you to follow my breathing, okay?” Janus interrupted, motioning at their chest with their hand as they inhaled and exhaled. “Can you see my hand? I want you to try and follow along, okay?

Patton numbly nodded, trying to breathe through hiccups and sobs. Janus repeated the exercise with Patton for at least fifteen minutes, with Virgil returning halfway and Logan moving to sit in front of Patton to start tending to the cut. Virgil carefully swept around Roman, Janus, Logan, and Patton on the floor.

“Whatever she told you, it isn’t true,” Roman said after Patton’s breath had evened out. “She can’t touch you here, not with us around.”

“I– I know,” Patton sniffled. Logan finished bandaging Patton’s hand and offered him a tissue from the box on his desk. “She said so many awful things, but– but the scariest part is that she didn’t stop at just saying things.”

“What do you mean?” Logan murmured.

“She...she threatened to shut the Rainbow Manor down.”

“What?!” Roman shot up from the floor. “But– but she can’t–”

“You know my mom, Roman,” Patton whimpered. “She has connections all over the city. If she wanted to, she would find a way.”

“So why hasn’t she?” Janus asked quietly. A beat of silence. Patton brought his knees closer to his chest and buried his face between them.

“She– she wants a percentage of the donations,” Patton finally admitted.

“What the fuck,” Virgil growled, stopping in his tracks.

“I know! It’s– it’s impossible, I–” Another sob. Logan and Janus moved closer to him, with Janus putting their arm around his shoulder.

“What did you tell her?” Janus pressed on.

“I– I told her no! Even if I wanted to, I can’t, but– but what else can I do?” Patton looked at his bandaged hand and grimaced. “And of course she got mad, and I freaked out, and I knocked over the vase– god, Roman, I’m sorry about the vase–”

“The vase is replaceable,” is all Roman said. “You aren’t.”

Patton just nodded, looking up at the four of them in his office with teary eyes.

“What am I going to do?”

Everyone exchanged looks. Roman lowered himself back to the floor beside Patton and wrapped him in a warm hug.

“You’re not going to do anything,” Roman said firmly.

“Roman…”

“All your life, you’ve taken care of people like they were your family, Patton. Please, let your family take care of you.”

Patton sniffled, looking around him. Virgil, Logan, and Janus nodded with small smiles, moving closer to him and joining the embrace.

And Patton just nodded, dissolving into tears; except this time, Roman could feel the relief from them. He felt Patton melt in his touch and smiled to himself, a similar relief washing over him as well.

(And for a moment, just a brief moment, Patton was home.)

~*~

One week later…

“Keep your eyes closed…”

“Roman, I don’t know how many more walls I can keep bumping into!”

“Just a little longer, I promise!”

Patton giggled, letting himself be led by Roman through more halls. Then, Roman stopped him.

“Okay, you can open your eyes in 3...2–”

“I’m opening them now, I’m too excited!” Patton squealed, and then opened his eyes. Suddenly, a burst of colour flooded his vision.

“Surprise!” a chorus of voices exclaimed.

Patton broke into a wide smile, blinking to focus on the sight in front of him. He was standing in the recreation room, with a big banner hanging from the back wall reading, “Happy Birthday, Rainbow Manor!”. Beneath it was a table with a cake, which was surrounded by Janus, Virgil, and Logan, alongside a bunch of other teens Patton recognized. Even Jonah was there, wearing a small party hat with a confetti popper in his hands.

Patton felt tears well up in his eyes. “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you remembered!”

“Of course, padré!” Roman grabbed Patton’s arm and led him around the table to stand in front of the cake. “Always normal for a family to celebrate the man who built their home!”

“Oh, Roman!” Patton leaned against his shoulder, sniffling. “It’s perfect.”

He then looked at Virgil, Logan, and Janus. “I can’t believe you guys set this all up, it must’ve taken forever!”

“Actually, it just took a day,” Logan hummed.

“And the cake doesn’t explode,” Virgil said with a small finger salute. “I checked.”

“Additionally, we understand that presents are customary at a party,” Logan continued. “So while our present is not materialistic, we do hope it suffices.”

“Oh?”

“Sir Nerds-A-Lot is trying to say that we’re pitching in to give you a few days off!” Roman declared. “We handled a few responsibilities over the weekend while you were home, and split your workload for the week ahead! Consider this the fabulous gift of time!”

“Oh you guys! You didn’t have to!”

“But we did, and we did so gladly,” Logan said with a nod.

“Also–” Janus leaned over to quietly whisper in Patton’s ear– “I took care of your mother.”

Patton frowned. “You...what? Is– is she…”

“She’s fine, but she won’t be bothering you for a long time.” Janus winked. “Let’s just say I know people too.”

Patton exhaled a breath he felt he was holding onto forever. He nodded graciously at Janus as Roman handed him a cake-cutter.

“Alright! Before you take the first slice, you gotta make a wish!” Roman motioned at the lit candles on the cake. Patton stepped forward, closed his eyes for a brief moment, and then blew them out.

Everyone cheered as Patton was surrounded by hugs and laughter. He felt Janus, Logan, Roman, and Virgil crowd around him as they started to help hand out cake to all the teens.

And in the back of his mind, his wish echoed in his head.

‘I hope to always be able to share this home with my family.’

#sanders sides #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fic #DLAMP #platonic DLAMP #patton sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #janus sanders #hurt/comfort #angst #thomas sanders fic #everything gets worse before it gets better :p

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clanwarrior-tumbly · 3 years

Note

My friend is a big fan of you as well and asked me to request this:

A Janus fic based on the song Monster by Dev https://youtu.be/5iA_oFDNt9E

I think the song could fit him quite well, maybe with the others being like “out of all of us, h i m???”

-🦑

Songfic?? With Janus angst?? My time has come *ascends*

CW: Unsympathetic Light Sides (they're not assholes but they're basically unsupportive, concerned for Reader, and hateful/distrustful of Janus)

...........

Call the doctor, call the doctor Must be something wrong with me He's a monster, why do I want ya Please tell me, please tell me

"What?!! [Y/n] this..this cannot possibly be true!"

"Roman-"

"You could've had any one of the fine gentlemen here...but more importantly me.."

"Roman, just calm-"

"And yet you chose him?! That wretched slimy snake?!" The princely Side pointed rudely at Janus, who was just sitting on the couch beside you. He frowned as he fiddled with the chain of his capelet, finding more interest in that than the uncomfortable conversation currently taking place.

This wasn't even the direction you nor him expected it to take. It was already going south..straight towards hell.

All because Remus couldn't keep his mouth shut and blurted out the revelation that you and Janus were dating.

Ironically, he was the one who confessed to you first--something that you're certain no Side would ever believe.

"There's got to be something wrong with your head." Roman shook his head in dismay, before approaching you. "Come now. We'll find you a true Prince Charming! One that's not a vile fibber like-"

Suddenly you sprang up, moving away from him. "You don't get to choose who I fall in love with. Remus.." You glared at the dark half of creativity. "I'm gonna kick your ass if you don't leave right now."

"Do ya promise~?" He giggled, refusing to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation. "You know I'm into that."

"Let it go, [y/n]." Janus tried to assure you. "They're both bumbling fools."

"A fool?!" Roman gasped. "The only fool here is YOU!! Trying to tempt them with your false promises of love and affection! What do you know about romance?!"

"Apparently more than you." You interrupted, standing by your lover in a defensive manner. "I know this isn't exactly how I planned to tell you but god just calm down for a minute."

You definitely didn't anticipate this kind of freakout from him. You thought he'd be asking about the how's and when's of falling in love, as one would expect from the "romantic expert" of the Sides.

You had a plan to tell all of them individually, but..starting with the guy who was deceived most and openly mocked his name probably wasn't a good idea.

Eventually the two halves of creativity left you both alone. And only then did you sit back down next to the now-dejected Janus, holding his hand. "Sorry you had to hear all that."

"Oh don't worry, it'sss new to me." He muttered, squeezing your hand in turn. "I'm sure Roman will have a tough time realizing he's definitely the most handsome one around here." The smirk he gave made you chuckle.

"Yeah, well..he'll get over it. We got off on the wrong foot with him, but I'm sure the others will be more accepting."

He's a monster He's a monster That boy, he's a motherfucking monster But I love him, yeah I love him Ooh ah, ooh ah ah

"Seriously? That guy?"

"Just hear me out, Virgil-"

"Oh I've heard plenty. I'm just warning you that it's a bad idea." Virgil huffed as he put his phone down. "He's a monster who's gonna use you for some selfish gain. You've seen it. He only cares about himself and hurts people to keep it that way."

"I know you've known him longest but...I'm pretty sure at this point he's moved past all of that." You pointed out. "Honestly, the only one being hurt here is him. First Roman, and now you?"

Despite your arguments, he just didn't seem convinced. "I'm not doing this to give you anxiety...I can only do that to Thomas. And I'm not gonna say "breakup with him right now". I'm just telling you that he's not what he seems."

"I appreciate your worries, but I love him and that's that." You insisted, crossing your arms over your chest as you stood defiant. Obviously it was in his nature to tell you to stay cautious, and he'd probably say the same if you were dating anyone else.

But calling Janus a monster seemed awfully harsh. You haven't even heard him call Remus that, which was odd.

'Seriously why is he being such a prick?'

"..whatever you say." Virgil shrugged before sinking out, leaving you alone by the staircase.

"I wouldn't worry. His opinion of me has never changed."

You realized Janus was eavesdropping and turned to face him, sighing. "Jan, are you doing something that's making them be so... brutally honest? This just seems unusual for them."

"Not that I'm aware of." He had briefly removed his glove, indicating he was tell you the truth.

"Hm..then again, Roman and Virgil are sorta the least-rational ones. One's jealous that he doesn't have a date and the other overthinks a lot."

"Wonderful observations, my dear."

"Patton and Logan are more down-to-earth and clear-headed so they might have more understanding."

"I'm sure they will." Janus' tone didn't match the optimistic words he uttered as he slipped the glove back on. "Oh and..I'll try not eavesdrop anymore."

Little did you know, that would be two lies.

Most people are scared When they look him in the eyes, all they see is fear (but) Let me make this clear I want him near

"How can you look into his eyes and..and.."

"Go on."

"And not be scared?! I know I would be, kiddo."

"...Patton, is that seriously your only argument? That he looks creepy?"

"No, no! I just..." For a moment the fatherly Side paused, before he sighed and patted your shoulder. "Listen, I do think you're being a good influence on that wriggly snake but...I only worry he's being a bad influence on you. Every time he's near you I-"

"It sounds like your only argument is "he's a creepy crawly snake so I shouldn't trust or love him". Is that all?"

"It's...a bit more complicated than-"

"It's a yes or no, Pat."

"...I'm trying to look at the bigger picture and, sure there's some good in him but..I worry he's gonna hurt you in the end, that's all. Like he hurt us several times by impersonating us." He tried to reason, but you just brushed his hand off your shoulder in disbelief.

"Wow, I didn't think you'd be one to judge books by their covers." You frowned slightly. "Well let me make this clear: I want him near me. I feel safe around him. I love him, outward appearances and all. So if you can't accept the way I see him then...we're done here."

With no more defenses, Patton sank out as you left the room. But in the hallway you spotted a familiar capelet vanish around the corner, and you found Janus, who manifested a brown eye contact over his snake eye. His scales almost vanished under his skin, but you called out to him before they could disappear entirely.

"Janus? I thought you weren't going to-"

"I..n-never expected Patton of all people to say that.." He held the side of his face shakily, keeping his head lowered so you didn't see the gradually forming tears. Only now he was starting to feel the impact of everyone's words. "If..it's my looks then...I can surely make adjusssstments.."

"No, sweetheart. You don't have to change your looks or be anyone else for me." You cupped a hand over the one that still covered the scales. "C'mon. You can't seriously believe Patton's dumb reasoning, right?"

"........."

All you got was a silent nod.

Most people can't sleep Feeling he's out, on the streets (but) He is my creep He is my creep

"While I see your relationship to Janus is beneficial-"

"Actually, nevermind. You're just gonna tell me the same shit everyone else did."

"...now [y/n], remember what we've discussed on cognitive distortions-"

"Jumping to conclusions? Overgeneralizing? I know. But I have valid reasons for those. You all think Janus is gonna hurt me because he's some "freaky selfish snake". But he's not, alright? He's been more truthful with me lately and I'm sick of the others not believing anything we say. So please, Logan..can you take my side for once?"

Logan was surprised by your outburst. He didn't even know you've talked to the others about Janus and assumed he'd respond in a similar fashion.

But he adjusted his glasses and looked at his notebook, all traces of emotion vanishing. "Logic can't take sides. If you would just listen..I've observed that your interactions with him have been generally positive, and that's helped Thomas-"

"There you go again..why does everything always gotta lead back to Thomas? Can't you just recognize Janus as his own person without assuming I'm only dating him to help-?"

"Because he can't be distracted from his core function!!"

You jumped a bit as he slammed down the notebook, scowling at you with a slight orange tinge behind his glasses. Though it was quick to disappear as he sighed. "He can never be his own person. You two will never have a truly normal relationship. I only advise that you keep that in the back of your mind."

And just like that, he left.

Every discussion you've had with a "Light" Side only left the bitter taste of frustration in your mouth...

Now what should you-?

You were startled again as you heard a nearby door slam shut, before realizing who overheard this conversation.

"Shit."

Is he human, does it matter I know he's what I'm after I can reel him, from disaster I know

"So..th-that's how they all see me, huh? A monster..n-not even a person."

"Jan.." Joining your boyfriend on the king-sized mattress, decorated in black and gold much like himself, you could finally see those walls he built up now crumbling to pieces.

One way or another, he heard what every Side had to say about him. And it was more than enough for him to realize they not only shun him for simply existing..

But they refuse to accept the idea that he's worthy of love, too. He can take the name-calling and insults in the videos, but this is what truly broke him.

He just scratched at his scales, his human eye already red and raw from crying as he wondered why you went through all of this just for him.

Any sane person would listen to the others and just breakup with him. He wasn't worth the effort.

You clearly deserved better.

You deserved someone who's more handsome, chill, kindhearted, or sensible-

"I know you can't truly be human but..does it matter?"

"...does it?" He sniffled, leaning into your touch more as you ran a hand through his hair. "Because apparently not. I know I'm not a perfect, flawless individual..I-I don't expect any of us to be. But if only I-I never-"

"Jan..you can't focus on what you can't change. I know you feel guilty, and if the others can't see that...it's their own fault. I won't stop fighting for us and for your happiness. I love you, okay?" Turning to him fully, you cupped both sides of his face and looked into his eyes.

"And in case you think I'm lying, I'll say it again: I. Love. You. None of their words will change that."

Hearing you become so determined to love him despite all odds made him sob again, this time from relief, as you put your arms around him.

Nobody's ever taken his side on anything...and certainly never defended him the way you did.

You felt several extra arms manifest to hug you back, and you smiled, closing your eyes.

Maybe in time the others will understand. But while it's true he looked like a monster and had his deceitful ways..

You knew what you were after.

And so did he.

Call the doctor, call the doctor Must be something wrong with me He's a monster, why do I want ya Please tell me, please tell me

#clanask #squid anon #sanders sides x reader #sanders sides imagine #janus sanders x reader #janus sanders #angst #hurt/comfort #songfic

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djpurple3 · 3 years

Text

I Just Keep Losing My Beat - Chapter 26

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10 - Chapter 11 - Chapter 12 - Chapter 13 - Chapter 14 - Chapter 15 - Chapter 16 - Chapter 17 - Chapter 18 - Chapter 19 - Chapter 20 - Chapter 21 - Chapter 22 - Chapter 23 - Chapter 24 - Chapter 25 -

wow hey look new content just dropped guys isn’t that pog.

Relationships: Platonic Creativitwins. Eventual Intrulogical. Do NOT tag as r*mr*m if u value ur molars.

Characters: Remus Sanders; Roman Sanders; kid!Deceit (called William) Sanders; kid!Virgil Sanders; OCs; Logan Sanders; kid!Patton Sanders; teen!Sleep/Remy (nb!Remy), Emile Picani.

Genre: Human AU, Single Dad AU, Slowburn, hurt/comfort, both angst & fluff

Chapter’s Wordcount: 1484 words [under the cut]

Chapter Warnings: Bullying (schoolyard type), a touch of swearing, let me know if i need to add.

Chapter 26/?

Chapter 26 hee hee

Remus spent an embarrassingly long amount of time every day just… thinking about Logan. Sometimes he’d be caught daydreaming, usually by Scarlett, who after the fourth time, demanded to know what he was thinking about.

“Oh,” Remus stammered, and the way he was turning red really didn’t help his case. “Nothing.”

“Nothing?” Scarlett teased, crossing her arms and shooting him a look. “No one turns that red unless romance is involved, Remus.”

Remus spluttered an incoherent response as Jamie stopped beside Scarlett, and folded her arms too. Remus pressed a hand to his face to hide the growing smile, embarrassed over how hot his face really was.

“It’s, uh, just, nothing, okay? Leave me alone!” he repeated, twisting his collar between his fingers. “It’s got nothing to do with him, okay?”

“Ohh, a him, is it?” Scarlett seized the information with glee, grinning as Remus cussed out his own mistake. He began pacing, he had to do something.

“I’m going to explode,” he declared, waving his hands about. “I’m going to spontaneously combust if we keep this up. You’ll have to scrape me off the walls, Scarlett.”

“At least I’ll get overtime,” she joked. “Tell us about him! Come on, Remus! Don't leave us in the dark!”

“What if I want you to be in the dark?” Remus shot back, turning on his heel and doing his best to give her an authoritative stare. “It’s- look, we’ve only had one date, alright? It’s too soon to-”

“A date!” Jamie crowed, clapping her hands. “Oh, that’s marvellous, Remus!”

“Goddammit!”

---

He was waiting out on the street for school to end, so he could pick up William and head home. Remus sat there, radio quiet, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel and humming along.

The school bell rang, and it didn’t take too much time for kids to start pouring out. Remus watched them go, idly seeing if he could spot Wiliam, before his eyes fell on a kid he recognised.

Patton Picani, who had his head down and had stopped on the front steps, off to the side, to sit - and wait, probably, Remus realised.

He watched him for a second, a gentle frown touching his face. It must be hard sometimes, your parent teaching at the same school you attended. Patton pulled out his phone, plugged in earbuds, and sat. But even from here, Remus could see that the normally smiley kid’s face was pinched with something far tighter.

After five minutes, it became why Patton looked so stressed. Because a bunch of kids his age, about four of them, made a beeline for him, surrounding him, and Patton didn’t look up from his phone.

Remus watched the ringleader try and goad Patton into conversation. And Remus was already climbing out of his car as one of the kids kicked Patton. He was impressed by how Patton didn’t react, apart from slowly putting his phone away into his pocket.

Remus was striding across the schoolyard, eyes on the kids as Patton slowly stood, smiling, and something was said, before Patton was shoved.

As Patton steadied himself, his eyes locked with Remus, who was almost there, and the shock in his eyes was a little heart-wrenching.

“Hey,” Remus said gruffly, a hand on the ringleader’s shoulders, “haven’t you got anything better to do, kid?”

The boy turned sharply, eyes wide with the fear of being caught.

Remus smiled at Patton. “Hiya, Patton,” he said brightly. “How’re you doing?”

“Um,” Patton said, a smile rising on his face. “I-I’m good, Mr Sanders, how are you?”

“I’m better, knowing that these bastards are going to leave you alone,” Remus said, his voice level but his hand tightening on the ringleader’s shoulder just a smidge, the threat clear in his voice. “Isn’t that right, boys?”

They were fumbling for excuses and turning red, but Remus lead the ringleader away a couple of steps, the others following, and Remus let the boy’s shoulder go. “I’m not going to hurt you,” he said quietly. “Adults should never do that to kids. In fact, no one should do that to anyone. Let alone kids to other kids. But I will tell a teacher.”

The boys started to freak out on him.

“You feel bad about it?” Remus queried, raising an unremorseful eyebrow. “Imagine how Patton feels. You were kicking him. Among worse things, I presume.”

“But he deserves it!” one of the boys piped up, and one of his friends turned to smack him in the arm.

“Why?” Remus demanded, letting his revulsion show on his face.

“His dad,” one of the kids mumbled.

“You’re hurting Patton because you don’t like his dad?” Remus echoed. “That’s dumb. That doesn’t make any sense.”

The boys looked at each other in surprise, newfound realisation dawning in their eyes.

“I think,” Remus said quietly, hunking down to be level with these kids, “you guys have got your bad emotions all bundled up and nowhere for them to go, apart from making other kids feel bad. Is that about right?”

One of them was kicking the ground. All of them were avoiding his eyes.

“You should never hurt someone,” Remus continued softly. “Maybe think about trying something new, like art or soccer. Do something fun, that makes you feel good, but doesn’t make someone else feel bad. You’ll be surprised how much nicer that makes you feel overall.”

“Are you still going to tell?” one of the boys wavered, “because… if my parents find out, they’ll… um…”

Something tugged in Remus’ chest. Fuck, he didn’t know how to handle this at all, did he? “If I don’t,” he started quietly, “will you all promise to try harder at something nice, and leave other kids alone? Because if you hurt someone again, that’s not something you can let slide.”

They all started nodding.

“Are you just saying that to make me go away?” Remus asked sharply, causing them all to divert their eyes again.

“Hm,” he got to his feet again, staring down at the boys. “C’mon, lads. You can do better. I believe in you. Now, Patton? Let’s go.”

He waited for Patton to grab his bag, and escorted him across the schoolyard. “If you’re comfortable,” he said quietly to the 12-year-old, “we can wait in my car. I’m still waiting for William, you see.”

“Yes please,” Patton said quietly.

Remus opened the passenger door for Patton, who hopped right in, and Remus sat back down in the driver’s seat. “Do you have a radio station do you like?” Remus asked, instead of the heavier question, and let Patton fiddle with the radio instead of answering.

They ended up talking about books, and Patton was enthusiastically explaining the plot of the series he was reading as William came up to the car. He opened the passenger door, and blinked in surprise to see a kid already there.

“Oh!” Patton laughed. “Hi, William!”

“Hi,” William said back, a smile tugging at his lips.

“We’re waiting for Mr Picani,” Remus explained, and William nodded his understanding, before jumping in the back seat instead.

“Oh, I can wait outside, it’s alright,” Patton said quickly, preparing to grab his bag, eyes wide.

“No, no,” Remus hurried. “I want to make sure you’re okay. I hope… I hope I haven’t made it worse.”

He remembered what bullies could be like, after all.

Patton dropped his eyes, but smiled. “I’ve, um, never had anyone stick up for me before,” he mumbled. “So… thank you, Mr Sanders.”

“You can call me Remus, if you want,” Remus smiled, patting Patton on the shoulder. “And it’s alright. I know what it’s like.”

Patton looked at him with a new sort of look, one which Remus returned with a sad sort of smile, before he jolted as William tapped him on the shoulder.

“Look,” William pointed, and they looked to see Logan descending the steps, eyes scanning the schoolyard for his son.

“Oh!” Patton fumbled for his bag and opened the door. “Thank you very much, Mr- uh, Remus. I’ll see you around!”

And the kid was out the car and running off to his dad faster than Remus could reply. Remus stared after him in surprise, blinking at the sudden disappearance, before he laughed a little, and turned to William.

“Wanna get in the front seat, rattlesnake?”

As William scrambled around, Patton and Logan met halfway across the courtyard, Patton pointing back at the car in explanation. Remus waved as Logan looked their way, and smiled as Logan slowly offered a single wave back.

“Alright,” he said quietly, trying to fight down his smile. “Alright, we should go home now. Let’s go home.”

“Yes please,” William agreed, poking his dad in the arm to get him to start driving. “Please? I’m tired.”

Remus laughed, and buckled up his seatbelt, starting the car as he watched the Picanis walk away.

--- --- --- --- --- --- ---

ok hi it’s been 84 years it’s currently 3am life is bread right now but that’s okay!!! we vibin. forgive the lack of sanders content, ive been really getting back into talking trains and i mean that dead seriously so my attentions gone to a sideblog rather than sanders stuff but i’m still kickin.

anyway gjklsdg have a good day, leave a comment of any variety if u dont mind they get me out of bed in the morning, take care of yourself, drink water, etc et

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beauty-and-passion · 2 years

Note

What’s your favorite Sanders Sides episode and why?? I would love to hear your thoughts! Feel free not to answer this btw 💕💕 (love your content, sorry if someone already asked this)

Are you kidding me, I would be very happy to answer! :D It's a great question, no one asked it yet and I would be more than happy to explain why I like those episodes in particular.

My decision is based on three factors: how enjoyable the episode is, how well it is made and how gladly I would watch it again, even on its own.

Having said that, please allow me to introduce my TOP 5 SANDERS SIDES EPISODES:

_________

5. ACCEPTING ANXIETY - part 1&2

That's a great season finale. All the Sides take part in the conversation, they all play a role, the conversation has a great flow.

And there are some of the most memorable jokes: Thomas' "I don't fear death", Patton being afraid of the spider curtains, all the Sides screaming at once, the dark strange son, the oatmeal raisin cookie, the Great Spider Threat of 2017 and so on.

But, as you can notice, this is also the reason why AA is only in fifth place: the best and most enjoyable part of this season finale is the second part. The first part is nice, sure, but a bit slower and way less enjoyable, if compared to the second part.

It's the same problem POF has: the second part is great, it has a great flow, there are plot twists and sweet sweet angst. But the first part doesn't have the same rhythm: it's slower, because it's mostly Patton monologuing about why he's right. There's no real confrontation, only a dreadful feeling that slowly grows, until the climax.

So yes, it's great to watch it as part of the series. But on its own? Eeeh, not so much.

_________

4. DEALING WITH INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS

This episode has the same problem AA-part 1&2 has, but it's a bit higher in my personal list because the problem is hidden better.

As Thomas himself said, this episode wasn't easy. He had a lot of explanations to do and Logan should've been the Side responsible for them all. I'm quite sure the crew had to do a lot of work, in order to give this episode a good flow and not turn it into a boring 40-minutes long infodump.

And if the final result is very good, it's only because of Remus. Remus kept the whole episode together and gave it the spark it needed, to counterbalance Logan's articulate explanations - all while introducing himself and making himself lovable/enjoyable for the public.

And he did it superbly. One episode was enough for the fandom to love him. One. Single. Episode. Not even Janus was so loved after one episode.

In conclusion: Remus is the best part of DWIT and Thomas & crew learned how to better “dilute” the heaviest part during the course of the entire episode. The result is enjoyable, funny and interesting, so it deserves the top five.

_________

3. MY NEGATIVE THINKING

This is officially my favourite episode from season one. It’s not a particularly intense episode, but it's very well made - especially thanks to the characters involved.

Speaking of the characters, Logan and Virgil are amazing. As always, Logan is the one who has to do all the explanations, but we don't see him being just a walking infodump here: he's adorable when he doesn't understand slang, he's sarcastic and he's savage (eh): let’s not forget that this was the episode where we got introduced to the iconic FALSEHOOD!

Virgil is also hilariously funny. He was still a little shit at the time and, in this episode, he's a little shit more than ever: he's anxious, he's blunt and harsh with Thomas, he's adorable too (especially in the last part, when he finds out Logan enjoyed discussing with him and you can literally see realization striking him: "oh wow, maybe these morons aren't so bad after all").

And their discussion has a great rhythm: explanations are balanced with the jokes, so the public never gets bored. Every part takes its time and the episode has a very nice flow: we move from a joke, to an explanation, to another joke, without confusing the viewers or annoying them.

And even though there were only two Sides involved, Logan and Virgil were so funny and their conversation so nice to follow, you don't feel like something is missing. On the contrary, when the episode ends, you just feel happy and satisfied.

_________

2. SELFISHNESS V. SELFLESSNESS

This is one of the best episodes of the whole series and I put it in second place only for two reasons I will explain when I'll talk about my no. 1 favourite.

This episode has everything and by "everything" I mean EVERYTHING.

All Sides (who have been introduced up to that episode) are involved. Sure, Janus and Patton are more involved than the others, but each Side has their moment to shine. Logan's part was a great reminder of how funny he is and, even though he was put in the back, he still had his moments during the whole courtroom scenario and after that.

Roman shone through the whole episode, with some amazing jokes that make me laugh every time. And, at the end, we even have a bit of that sweet sweet angst we are all craving.

Virgil... do I really need to talk about Virgil's part? How many theories were made? How we all collectively screamed out, when Deceit interrogated him? Virgil was here to deliver angst and mystery and we took it whole.

And Thomas... wow. The moment when he finally admitted the truth was so powerful, so *vibrant*. He really did a great job, especially considering the range of emotions he went through: from happiness, to faking obliviousness, to keep pretending he didn't remember about the wedding, to fear of being a bad guy, to hope, to surprise during Janus' interrogation, to admission of the truth. It was a wild ride for him and he was great.

But, as we all know, this is mostly a Deceit episode and this is the episode when we start to know him.

When he introduced himself, we actually got nothing from him. Who is this guy? Is he good? Is he evil? What does he want?

With SvS, we started to get some answers: this guy likes to be the villain, he knows stuff, he's clever and, hey, he has a point. He's not entirely wrong about this wedding vs callback thing. And oh, it looks like he actually does something for a reason: helping Thomas. He cares about Thomas, in his own way. And, with the pinata metaphor, he proved he's a mature guy as well.

Also let's not forget that he showed his logo, so he proved he is a Side, not a random villain. He is part of Thomas. And that was quite a big deal, because I remember that, at the time, some people were still double guessing if Deceit was a Side or not.

So not only this episode had all the other great points we already saw: nice flow, conversation on point, amazing rhythm, attention always high, but it also has the merit of:

doing it with all the Sides, not just two of them

adding angst and food for thoughts, so not only we enjoy the episode per se, but we keep thinking about it, guessing, theorizing and analyzing. As I said: I can write 200 posts about this episode and still keep finding new details to analyze.

_________

1. CAN LYING BE GOOD

When I thought about my favourite episode, I was torn between CLBG and SvS. They are both amazing episodes, they are both characterized by this great flow and nice rhythm, they both have all Sides involved, they're both very entertaining thanks to the fantastic jokes, they both offer food for thoughts and I definitely would love to watch them even as their own.

So, why did I choose Can Lying be Good as my favourite episode and not Selfishness vs Selflessness? Well, essentially for two reasons:

1. Not only this episode offers an amazing joke for every scene (Thomas' mother, "you're lazy AND you're gay?!", the "who broke this vase?" monologue, Sir Squiggles the Brave), not only there's a lot to analyze, not only the episode grabs our attention and keeps it until the end, but this episode has something no other episode has, something that makes us want to watch it over and over again.

As we all know, Deceit was disguised as Patton during the whole episode. And if the first time no one noticed it, after a couple of rewatches we started to notice the tiny details, the small differences, the microexpressions, the words.

Not only this makes it almost necessary to rewatch the episode, in order to better understand it, but it makes every rewatch more enjoyable than the one before. The rewatch turns into a funny quest, a treasure hunt where you can be surprised by a new detail you didn't notice before. And that detail can become part of a bigger theory, an analysis, a concept - or just a conversation with other friends who didn't notice it.

2. This episode brought a huge change in the series. Until that moment, there were only four Sides - and they were all the Sides the fandom knew about. Sure, Roman hinted at some "others" during AA, but nothing was confirmed, nor hints were dropped. As far as the public knew, Thomas and his four Sides were the only characters of the series.

This episode had a very difficult job to do, even more difficult than DWIT. It had to introduce a new Side, to an already well established cast. The last Side was introduced in the third episode and now, after almost 20 episodes, Thomas & crew had to introduce a whole new character.

They had a lot of goals to achieve: the new Side had to be funny, so the public would've enjoyed seeing him. He had to be interesting, in order to get the public's attention. And he had to be good enough, to prepare the public for the other two characters that would've come after him. This introductory episode had to be good, for the sake of what would've come next.

And, oh boy, the episode is great. Janus' introduction is the best plot twist of the show: he appeared as this evil, mysterious villain who popped up for whatever reason and oh wow, he seems evil but he's also a dork, oh no, mixed emotions! I don't think there wasn't a viewer who wasn't intrigued by this twist and wanted to know more - about the series, about this guy, about everything. The show succeeded in keeping the attention high - and even attracted new viewers. I know, because I was one of them.

Sooo yes, there might be a tiny emotional component in my reasoning too. I would've never known this show, if the wonderful people of this fandom didn't leak into the Gravity Falls one and get my attention. If I'm here, it's basically thanks to Janus' introduction - and I am very happy that my introduction to this series was the best episode so far.

_________

HONORABLE MENTION: 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

I didn't put this episode into this list, because this is a whole different level. While the other episodes have this wonderful mix of entertainment and food for thoughts, this episode is just pure entertainment. If I want to turn off my brain for a while and just relax, I watch this episode.

12 Days of Christmas has basically nothing plot-related: it's just the Sides goofing around and being idiots and I love EVERY SECOND OF IT.

Roman being increasingly exasperated by Virgil, Virgil being the sarcastic emo he is, Patton changing the lines, Logan rapping: all the Sides are great, every line cracks me up. I can watch this episode until the end of time and I would still laugh at every joke as if it's the first time.

So, well, I wanted to give it a special place, for being such a lighthearted funny episode.

#sanders sides #ask #sanders sides episodes #i love them all so much #but some are objectively better than others

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im-an-anxious-wreck · 3 years

Text

If I Was Smart, Would You Love Me?

AO3 link

Summary: Virgil is stupid, even he knows that. He also knows that someone as smart and talented as Logan would never love someone as stupid and worthless as Virgil.

But when a mysterious glowing orb says it can change that, that it can make him smart, should Virgil accept the offer? Surely it can't actually do that... Surely Virgil is unfixable... Right?

Warnings: crying, cursing, character repeatedly says and thinks he's stupid, placing ones worth on how smart one is, hurt/comfort (well, actually it’s fluff angst fluff)

Characters: Patton, Logan, Virgil, Roman, Janus

Perspective/main character: switches between Virgil and Logan (but it is more about Virgil)

Appear: Janus, Patton, Roman

Relationships: analogical, everything else is platonic

Word Count: 10,323

Link to my collection of TSS fanworks

Hope you enjoy :D

He should be asleep. He really should.

Virgil should be in his bed, asleep, or at least trying to sleep, but despite all that… he wasn't. He was very much awake, unable to fall back asleep after a nightmare woke him up.

And instead of trying his usual methods; tea, extra blankets, even more white noise; he had snuck into Roman's room, slipped through the door of the Imagination, and was wandering around the forest.

He'd hoped that it would tire him out and put his thoughts to rest, and it had, the first part more so though.

He was just about to turn back, his eyes starting to finally droop, when a strange noise prickled at Virgil's ears.

It was rather faint, but it got louder the farther into the dark, twisting forest he walked. It was like a… a hum, of sorts. However, it didn't sound like it was made by a human, but rather sounded almost otherworldly.

And even though it sounded odd, it almost felt… homely, inviting. Despite Virgil having never heard it before, it sounded familiar even. Safe. Yes, it felt safe, and Virgil couldn't help but pick up speed a bit.

It was getting louder and louder, but it always seemed to be just out of reach, and the prolonged anticipation building up was starting to really annoy Virgil.

He was starting to believe he'd never find the source of that mysterious pulsating hum when he stumbled across a small clearing, the humming now so close, Virgil could feel it in his chest, in his bones.

The clearing was empty save for a grey, cracked, and crumbled pillar in the dead center. Virgil hadn't taken two steps past the treeline when a dim glass ball he hadn't noticed started to glow a bright orange and float rather ominously over the pillar.

Virgil couldn't help but move closer as if it drew him in.

The humming grew painfully loud before fading into a soft voice.

"A human? It's been… so long. What's your name, dear mortal?"

"...Virgil."

"Oh, well hello, Virgil. Do you know what I am?"

"A weird glass ball?"

The orb let out what could have been considered a laugh. "Well, I suppose you're not wrong. But my purpose is actually to grant a wish to anyone who stumbles upon this little gap in the trees."

"...Why?"

"Hah, that's a long story, and you'd have to ask the person who cursed me to get that answer."

"Wait, cursed? Were you—"

"A human? Yes. I was. But that was a long time ago, for now, let's just focus on helping you."

"Sorry. I didn't mean to bring up anything you didn't wanna me to."

"It's alright."

"But seriously, a wish? You just expect me to believe that? You're not gonna even put a limit on it like 'rule number one, I can't kill anybody. Rule number two, I can't make anybody fall in love with anybody else. Rule number three, I can't bring people back from the dead.' I call BS."

"Hah, Aladdin, nice."

"You know Aladdin?"

"Of course I do. I know a lot of things."

"...Huh."

"Anyway, I do actually have limits but they're more like, I can only grant a certain type of wish. It's actually pretty specific. And you only get the one."

"Wow, so you're like, useless."

"No, I'm not!"

"Dude, if you weren't some weird orb, you'd be pouting, wouldn't you?"

"...No."

Virgil snickered. "Right. I definitely believe you."

"Shut up! I mean… anyway. Let's move on. The specifics are that I can fix one flaw for you."

Virgil couldn't help but squint his eyes in suspicion. "Really?"

"Yes, you get one wish to fix one flaw. So, what'll it be?" The glowing mysterious orb asked. "If you could change one thing about yourself… what would you pick? What horrible flaw that makes you completely unlovable would you fix?”

Despite every bone in his body screaming in him to say no, that this was dangerous, and he should get the fuck out of there, he found himself walking a little closer to the orb and saying, "Any… any flaw?"

"Yes, any flaw you could think of, I can fix. What's keeping you back from the people you care about? What part of you makes you worthless in their eyes?"

"N— no. They… they care about me." Virgil dropped his voice down to a whisper. "I know they do."

"Oh, really? Then why are you here? In the dark forest, wishing to be good enough, wishing that they cared? If you really think that they love just soooo much, then why aren't you there, with them? Oh, there's someone in particular, isn't there?"

"What!? No, I— how'd yo—"

"Please, you're practically pushing your lonely thoughts at me. Let's see… I believe his name is Logan?"

"I… m— maybe."

"Ah, I thought as much… Do you know what flaw you'd pick?"

"Ugh, no. Hell, I'm not even sure if I'm gonna let you fix it or not. I mean, a weird magic glowing orb in the middle of the woods is telling me it can fix one of my flaws, what am I supposed to think? It's just…"

"A dream come true?"

"Weird. I— I was gonna say it's just weird."

"That's alright, I'm in no hurry. You can think this over as much as you'd like. But of course, how are you supposed to think over what decision to make when you don't even know what I'll be fixing? So since you seem to think you just have too many flaws that need fixing, I can actually help with that too."

"...How?"

"If you'll let me, I can take just a peek, just a really small one, I promise, and then I can tell you what your biggest flaw is."

"You… you can?"

"Yes, believe it or not, I just want to help you."

Virgil chewed on his lower lip before sighing. "Okay, just… don't go too far."

"Of course."

Before Virgil could get worried about what the orb would see or do, he was surrounded by a bright blue-white light. It grew in intensity before it pulsed a few times.

The orb spoke again, "Ah, you, of course, have the flaw of pushing others away… but your biggest flaw…"

"Yes?" Virgil asked, rather desperately, eyes still closed due to the unbearably bright light.

"Your biggest flaw is…" The light vanished as quick as it had come. "Is that you're stupid."

"Wh— what?" Virgil blinked his eyes, trying to adjust to the dark woods once again, the orb's light now dim in comparison to the pulsating glow of before. "Are… are you sure?"

"Absolutely positive. Why do you think that Logan, the smartest person you know, doesn't love you? You're just too stupid. If you were smart, he'd actually love you."

"No, I mean… he's not that shallow. I mean yeah, he doesn't love me, and probably never will but that's just because… um, because… oh, fuck."

"Yes, he's not interested in you. Because why would he? You're boring. You have nothing to offer him. Why would he want to be with someone who can't keep up with him?"

"But if… if you did make me smart, not that I'm necessarily gonna say yes, but… but if you did, wouldn't it be weird if I was suddenly smart?"

"Hmm, I don't think so. Everyone might be a bit surprised, especially if they thought you were stupid, which you are right now, of course, but can you imagine how pleasantly surprised Logan would be when you answered his nerdy question with a nerdy answer?"

Virgil could, Virgil all too easily could.

The orb continued, "Why he'd be so pleased that he'd want to spend more time with you, and after spending more time with you and seeing how smart you are… he'd fall in love with you."

"I… I don't think that's how it works. And you're… I mean, that's a big promise to make."

"You really think he could resist? Have you ever said anything even remotely smart to him?"

"I… well, maybe like, a few times."

"And did you see his reaction after you said it?"

"Well… yeah, bu—"

"And how did he look?"

"Uh… pleasantly surprised."

"And did he seem more open to you after that?"

"…Yeah, he… later he invited me to discuss it more but my throat closed up and I was too an— anxious to say anything 'cuz I was gonna make an absolute fool of myself and he'd think I was silly and stupid an— um, yeah. God, he looked so disappointed though. He always thinks I'm better than I am, he expects better. And he's right, I— I should be better."

"You could be better."

"Yeah, he'd… he'd finally see… and I'd finally live up to his expectations, to what he seems to think I'd be, if I just tried. Of course, he doesn't know I'm just like this, I'm just stupid, but… but I could fix tha— er, you could fix that, I mean."

"I could. Easily."

"And… and of course I'd understand if he still didn't want me, I do have a lot of flaws… but if… if there's a chance… and if you fix this big one then maybe I could work on a few of the smaller ones… yeah. Yeah!"

"Have you made your decision?"

"I… I think I have."

"And?"

"Weird magic glowing orb thingy, I wish for you to fix my biggest flaw and make me smart."

The surface of the orb began crackling and fizzing louder and louder until Virgil could barely hear himself think. Then, as quickly as it'd started, it'd stopped again.

And the last thing Virgil remembered before he blacked out, was a voice that was somehow everywhere and nowhere at once, whispering, "Gladly."

Virgil was awoken by three uniform raps on the door.

Logan.

Wait, last night… Virgil opened his eyes and quickly sat up. Did last night really happen?

"Virgil? Are you awake yet?" Logan's soft voice called.

Virgil didn't feel any different than usual, but perhaps it was a more subtle, a more unseen thing.

"This is around your natural waking up time…" Logan continued, "Oh, unless you accidentally stayed up later than usual and are sleeping in."

Although now that Virgil thought about it, he did feel a bit more like he knew what he was doing, a kind of gentle determination settling in his chest.

"Hmm, perhaps I should come back later then."

"No, wait!" Virgil all but cried out, jumping out of bed and to the door. "Wait, I'm awake."

Virgil yanked the door open to where Logan was standing there, a slightly surprised look on his face.

"Virgil! Um, greetings. I am… what I mean to say was that… um, apologies, I seem to um…"

Virgil leaned against the doorframe, his arms casually crossed, and an eyebrow raised in amusement. "Uhhhh, you good, Lo?"

"Yes! Yes, of course. I apologize for my… strange behaviour. I suppose my thoughts weren't in order. That is one disadvantage to saying things without thinking first. Although spontaneous dialogue and conversation can be quite interesting and usefu— ah, apologies, I've gotten off-topic."

Virgil snorted loudly. "Nah, it's okay, Logan. I actually really enjoy your tangents, and find your vocabulary and the way you construct your sentences to be fascinating. Plus, they're often quite educational as well… Wow, I sounded kinda like a nerd." Virgil grinned. "Cool."

"What?"

Oops. No way was Virgil going to let Logan know that he'd trusted a random orb from the Imagination to make him smart. Damn, that sounded like a bad idea, not only from an anxious standpoint but from his new logical one.

"Uhhh, nothing. Anyway, what were you saying? Like when your thoughts weren't in order."

"Ah, yes, thank you for reminding me. I was just um, saying that it's good to see you. I— well, I rather missed your company, I suppose."

"Oh, really? You… you missed me?"

Logan twisted his fingers together. "...Yes, I… I did."

"O— oh. I missed you too."

Logan squinted at Virgil. "Really?"

"Yeah, really."

"Oh. Well, good, er, um…"

"Oh my God, you're adorable."

"What?"

"Oh, uhhhh… huh."

"I…" Logan blinked a few times. "I um…"

"It's okay, Lo. You don't haveta response… oh! If you feel up to it, wanna hang out this afternoon? It's okay if you're busy, just thought I'd ask."

"Oh, um, no, I'm not busy. Shall we go to my room? Or try to get Roman to let us in the Imagination?"

"Unless you're feeling more like a homebody, I vote for bullying —don't worry, I don't think we're going to actually bully him— bullying Roman into letting us use the Imagination. Maybe we'll get him to make us a nice field— oh! We could have a picnic. If you want, I mean."

"I'd… really like that."

"Well, if you wanna ask Roman to set up the Imagination in a bit, I'll get the food? And we can make our way to the imagination and set up around 3ish?"

"Oh, excellent. That works for me. And yes, I'll ask him. And uh, what type of food were you thinking? Sandwiches and chips?"

"Of course. A picnic classic."

"And shall we stare at the fresh cookies Patton made until he sends some with us? Which is like 4 seconds from when he first spots us."

"Absolutely, but of course, he only takes that long to offer because he's smiling so much."

"Well, naturally."

Logan had been feeling weird lately, and he even figured out why. While feelings weren't his strong suit by any stretch of the imagination, he was quite observant, and was able to confirm his hypothesis into a theory with only a bit of research.

But that didn't mean he had everything figured out. He didn't know what he wanted, or even should do. And seeing as this was an emotional matter, Patton would hopefully be able to give him some advice on the matter.

Logan almost stopped by Patton's room to see if he was there, but it was mid-morning and Patton was probably in the kitchen making some baked goods before he started on lunch.

Logan walked to the dining part of the common room, stopping in front of the open divider/bar that was in between the common room and the kitchen.

Ah, he was indeed correct. Patton was there, already getting things out.

Logan softly cleared his throat, hoping to not startle Patton. "Good morning, Patton."

Patton looked up from where he was looking at a recipe and getting out ingredients, startling slightly. "Oh, Logan! You made me jump, kiddo. What's up?"

"I… I could use your assistance."

"Oh, of course! What type of help do ya need, and would cookies help?"

"Well, it's… it's an… emotional matter, so you can imagine how it's out of my expertise… and cookies always help."

"Oh... okay! Yeah, can do! Sit at the bar if ya wanna, I'm just starting some chocolate chip cookies. I'm listening though, 'kay?" Patton looked back at his… recipe card?

Logan briefly furrowed his eyebrows. Patton didn't usually need a recipe for chocolate chip cookies. Actually, now that Logan thought about it, he'd only ever seen Patton with a recipe if it was something he'd never made before. He memorized them impressively fast. But perhaps he merely wanted to try someone else's way of making them.

"Yes, that sounds pleasant. Thank you." Logan internally winced at how long he took to reply, and gingerly sat down on the barstool, watching Patton go about the kitchen.

"Of course! I'm always here for y'all."

Was it Logan's imagination or was Patton having a harder time finding things than normal?

"The measuring cups are in the third drawer down, not the second."

"Oh, yes! Silly me. So what's up?"

"Well…" Logan drummed his fingers on the counter. "I realised something and I don't know how to… I don't know what to do."

Patton turned away from where he'd been gathering ingredients and looked at Logan, eyebrows lightly furrowed. "This is something pretty serious, huh?"

"No, it's… it's silly. I probably shouldn't be bothering you with it. Nevermind. Thank you for being willing to listen anyway." Logan made to get up but Patton gently held onto his hands.

"Hey, it's alright. I don't mind at all, Logan. I'm glad you felt like you could come to me for help. Can I ask what you realised?"

Logan sighed and forced himself to relax as Patton let go of his hands. "I believe that I am… romantically interested in Virgil."

There was a split second where Patton didn't say anything, making Logan briefly and rather illogically panic, before the brightest smile crossed Patton's face.

"Aww! That's so pure, kiddo!" Patton put his elbows on the cabinet in between them and rested his head in his hands.

Logan felt his face warm slightly. "Yes, well, um, I've been having weird symptoms around Virgil and when I think about him for more than a few seconds. So, I cross-referenced them with different sicknesses, and what I found was that it… it fit how people describe the way they feel when they are in… um, in..."

"In love?" Patton asked, a knowing twinkle in his eye.

"I, um— yes, that. So, what do I do? Should I ignore it? It'll go away if I just ignore it, right?"

"Well, not usually. Feelings, especially romantic ones, are pretty tricky. But even if you don't wanna try for a romantic relationship with him, I don't think ignoring it is the best way to go about it. But of course, we should make sure that you don't actually want a romantic relationship with him."

"What? Why wouldn't I want to be in a relationship with Virgil?"

Patton frowned. "Then why were you gonna just ignore it?"

"Virgil has anxiety—"

Patton's eyebrows shot up. "Excuse you—" Patton all but growled.

Wait, did… Logan blinked and it was gone again. "No! Not like that. You didn't let me finish."

"Sorry, sorry." Patton took a deep breath. "What did you mean then?"

"He has anxiety and I'm… I know this sounds rather silly but… I'm worried he'd feel obligated in some way. And the last thing I want is to make him feel forced, or hurt him in any way. He's… very important to me, and if he's happier with us being friends then so be it."

"Okay, well, first of all, you're assuming that Virgil doesn't like you romantically, or wouldn't want to try for a relationship at all. And you don't actually know if he'd be happier if you two are friends. Maybe he'd be happier if you two got together, of course maybe he wouldn't, but the point is you don't actually know. And you can assume and even make educated guesses, but you can't know for definite sure—"

"Unless I ask him."

"Yep, exactly. And I… I will say that he obviously cares about you a lot. Even if he doesn't feel romantic feelings towards you, or doesn't want to try for a romantic relationship, I know you two will still be very good friends. Ah, that might not be as comforting… sorry."

"No, it's alright. I… you've given me a lot to think about. And I… I think I will ask him. We're having a picnic this afternoon and that seems like an opportune time.

"Alright, kiddo. Just don't rush into anything, 'kay?"

"Hmm? Oh, of course. I will think about this a bit more until then, but I'd already wanted to ask him. I just felt like I didn't have a concrete idea of the whole thing. I was letting my fears and worries cloud my thinking. I can't know or change the outcome, but I can ask. I'd gotten wrapped up in 'what if's and forgot that the easiest way to know how someone will react… is to just ask them. You helped me remember that."

"Well, you know I'm always happy to help, kiddo!" Patton smiled at Logan before he looked back down at his recipe card.

"Yes, and I really appreciate it. Thank you, De—"

'Patton' looked up in surprise.

"Er, I mean, Patton."

He sighed. "...Godamnit. And here I thought I was rather convincing." 'Patton's form twisted for a second before it settled back into Deceit's usual appearance. "It was how angry and protective I got over Virgil, wasn't it?"

"That was when I first realised, yes. Although I did think it was weird that you had a recipe for something that you would've supposedly made dozens of times. But anyway, Patton can be quite protective, but that wasn't quite how I think he'd react to me. Perhaps to you or Remus, and I'd no doubt get an earful if I was going where you thought I was. But after your left eye glowed a bit after you practically growled at me, it wasn't hard to put it together."

"Ah, well, damn."

"May I ask why you were in our kitchen?"

"Well, it couldn't be that I was trying to make cookies. I didn't think that was rather obvious."

"Ah, I should've been more specific. Why were you baking in our kitchen instead of in your side of the Mindscape?"

"Oh, Remus exploded our sink again, and I absolutely refuse to bake under such circumstances. Plus, who knows when Remus will get around to fixing it."

"Hm, well you're more than welcome to use ours in the meantime. Although I would ask that you come as yourself."

"Thank you. And I suppose I should apologize. After you said it was an emotional matter, I shouldn't've let you continue."

"It's alright. It wasn't anything I mind you knowing. And while you weren't who I was looking for, you still provided some valuable information. I would, however, like to know it was you before I speak about an emotional matter next time."

"Oh, well, that's not reasonable. I really do apologize for that. I should've told you to come back later, instead of asking more questions and prying my nose into things."

"Apology accepted. And I suppose it does make this next part easier anyway."

Deceit raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"Seeing as you assisted with the majority of Virgil's upbringing, Deceit, I'd like to formally ask you for your permission to pursue a romantic relationship with Virgil."

"Me? Virgil and I are barely on speaking terms as it is. I mean, he hisses at me practically every other word!"

"Yes, your and Virgil's relationship is rather strained right now, but that doesn't discount how close you were before. And I believe under all the surface conflict and hurt, you two still care about each other a great deal more than either of you would care to admit.

"And you could've quite easily steered me away from pursuing a romantic relationship with Virgil, but you actually recommended I talk to him instead. Which makes me believe that you actually want us to get together. So, with all that in mind, the least I can do is formally ask for your blessing."

"I… alright. You have my blessing, just— don't go around telling people that. I do have a reputation to uphold after all."

"Ah, yes, of course. Wouldn't want anyone to think you could be soft, after all."

"My my, is that sarcasm I hear?" Deceit put a hand to his chest in mock shock. "Logan the stoic and concise, using sarcasm? Didn't think you'd have it in you. Why I am surprised at you!"

"Ah, yes. I usually don't use sarcasm as it can make conversation confusing, but I felt it was appropriate in this case. Especially since you often use sarcasm or opposite speak."

"Oh, I am just so proud, Logan. Good job."

Despite Deceit's sarcasm and words, Logan didn't feel mocked. Quite the opposite actually, a strange sort of warmth filling his chest.

"Alright, alright. Well… I'll let you get back to your baking. I should go anyhow. I need to get some work done before lunch."

"Oh, Logan, I almost forgot." Deceit clicked his tongue. "Before you go. I presume I don't need to give you the 'hurt him and they'll never find your body' talk."

"You are quite correct in that presumption, and I'd expect nothing less. I don't want to hurt him any more than you do, Deceit."

Deceit paused, taking in Logan's words before he nodded. "Good… oh, and I… I suppose if you happen to use my name, I wouldn't like, be mad or whatever."

"Oh, I see. I shall endeavour to use the correct one then… Janus."

The corner of De— Janus' mouth quirked up. "Alright. I— good."

Logan gave a small smile of his own and hoped it wasn't too awkward. He hadn't had much practice smiling lately.

They stood there for a moment before Janus cleared his throat. "Well, have an absolutely <i>dreadful</i> time this afternoon."

"Oh, thank you. I hope you have a pleasant afternoon as well."

Virgil knocked on Logan's door. "Hey, Lo? You ready to go? I have the food."

Logan opened his door. "Oh, excellent. Um, and did you grab the—"

"Pickles? Yeah, I got you your nasty vinegar cucumbers."

"Oh, so it's my 'nasty vinegar cucumbers' is it now?" Logan stepped out of his room, pulling the door shut behind him. "So it must've been Janus who I saw eating an entire jar of pickles a few days ago, not you."

"Exactly… definitely Jan. That foul snake… how dare he. Pretend to be me. And eat pickles, therefore besmirching my good name. So rude."

Logan laughed, making Virgil smile, his chest filling with warmth.

"Yes, how dare he. I shall have to have a conversation with him about such unlawful actions."

Virgil giggled, although it was half snorts. He, however, couldn't find it in himself to be too embarrassed. They were having fun, and that's what mattered.

After Virgil finally settled down, happily noting that Logan still had a pleased look on his face, Virgil said, "So, you ready for that picnic?"

…

Virgil normally, light-heartedly, of course, complained about Roman being extra, but this was one time that he certainly wasn't.

The green grass rolled across the gentle hills, while a light breeze blew soft, white clouds through the endless blue. A little farther off the start of the forest could be seen, and to the left of that, the lake sparkled. Flowers of all colours dotted the entire area.

"Wow," Virgil said, almost breathless. "Roman really went all out, didn't he?"

"Well," Logan adjusted his glasses, a small smile on his face, "I did ask for a good picnic spot, and he certainly didn't disappoint."

"Yeah, geez. This is… anyway, um, shall we set up over here?"

"Yes, this does look like a pleasant spot."

Virgil set down the picnic basket and, with Logan's help, laid out the blanket and food.

"Oh, I've been meaning to ask," Logan said, partway through their meal, "How've you been liking the book I recommended?"

Virgil perked up, quite sure his eyes were all but sparkling. "Oh! I haven't finished it yet but I've absolutely loved it so far. Josephine is such a compelling main character and her 'friend' Beth Ann is so sweet. And the obvious pinning between them, I just— how can they be so oblivious!"

"I know, right!"

"Ugh, and the baker, oh, whatever his name is—"

"Todd."

"Yeah! That bastard. He just pisses me off so much. But when Beth Ann threw the rock at his window, I about woke up the whole Mindscape because of how hard I was laughing. I just—" Virgil snorted. "Anyway, yeah. It's been good."

"Ah, I'm glad. I thought you'd enjoy it."

"Yeah, thanks for letting me borrow it."

Logan smiled. "Of course."

They ate more, chatting all the while, until they were comfortably full.

Logan cleared his throat. "I would just like to preface this by saying that I, in no way, want you to think I'm saying this because it's a bad thing."

"Uhh, okay? What's, um, what's up?"

"You seem to be in a good mood. You're very, uh, open and confident. I'm very glad you're—" Logan pulled out a flashcard, "—'Feeling your oats' as the phrase goes."

Virgil snorted. "Yeah, man. I feel good. I've just been able to relax, ya know?"

"Mm, I'm glad. I know how stressed you can be, and it's… it's nice to see you take some well-deserved downtime to just 'chill out'." Logan dragged two fingers down as if to put quotation marks around the last two words.

Virgil raised an eyebrow in amusement. "Wh— why is 'chill out' in quotes?"

"I… do not know. That's a very good question."

"Ah, well, really, why do any of us do anything?"

"Well, actually, we, as a human race, do the many things we do for a wide variety of reasons. Of course, not everything has an easily identifiable reason but— ah, apologies, that was a rhetorical question and I just took it and, metaphorically, ran with it."

"No, you're good! I was just— I was, mm. I… sorry but, oh my goodness, how— how are you this…"

Logan's face fell, causing a pang to shoot through Virgil's chest. "Annoying?"

"What? No! I was going to say cute and nerdy. I— shit, Lo, I don't think you're annoying. You're really interesting, and really passionate when talking about the things you enjoy. I love listening to you. Really. And I'm sorry if I ever made you think that I thought you were annoying. Because you're not. You're the opposite. You're enrapturing! And… and life would be quite dull without your fascinating, and oftentimes educational, rants."

"...'I shit Lo'. "

"Oh, come on. That's what you take from this."

Logan let out a small laugh. "I'm only teasing, Virgil."

"You certainly are teasing Virgil," Virgil muttered.

"But in all seriousness—"

"Necktie… sorry. Continue."

"I really do appreciate your… kind words. And I'm very glad to know I'm not bothering you, and that you seem to enjoy my rants and rambles about as much as I do."

"I— yeah, of course, man. It— yeah."

Logan gave Virgil a lopsided smile. "Right… oh, um, I had a question…"

"Yeah?"

"Is… is this a date?"

"Oh! It, um, what?"

"It's alright if it is a platonic outing… but if it was a date… um, I'd like to know, considering that would be, um, vital information."

"It… um, do you want it to be a date?"

"I… I would rather like it to be, but only if you want it to be a date as well. Um, do… do you want it to be a date?"

"I— yes. Holy shit, yes, I do. I'd love for this to be a date."

"I… ah, good. Then it's a date."

"It's a date. Yeah." Virgil couldn't help the wide smile that crossed his face, all too aware he probably looked ridiculous, but he couldn't find it in himself to care.

"Would that… and apologies if this is too fast, I don't exactly have the best idea of how quickly this should go, especially because everyone has different speeds and boundaries… but, would that… make you my boyfriend? Or does one have to go on multiple dates first?"

"Uhh, I think it depends and maybe like, usually multiple… but like if— um, I mean, do you want to be boyfriends?"

"Yes! I mean I would very much like that, if you do, but if this is too fast, I completely understand."

"No, it… yes, I very much would like to be your boyfriend."

"Oh! I um, good. Then we're boyfriends."

"Yeah," Virgil's face warmed. "Boyfriends."

Virgil came back to his room, having just finished his ninth date with Logan, and it took everything in him to not squeal with happiness the instant the door shut.

Logan had even walked him back to his room like the gentleman Logan was. Virgil paused for a moment more and, after hearing Logan's door down the hall click shut, allowed himself a small squeal, which quickly turned into giggles, albeit very quiet giggles. But still, Virgil giggled. Virgil!

They'd only been together for 6 days. And while Virgil knew they were still in the 'honeymoon phase', he couldn't help but look at it optimistically.

Hell, he couldn't remember a time he'd been this happy, and especially for this long.

Sure, soon things would mellow out, and they were bound to have disagreements at some point, but it didn't seem so daunting. Not when he knew he'd have Logan by his side, and smarts in his brain.

Virgil knew they were being the overly sweet, PDA couple, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. They were enjoying themselves, and everyone was nothing but supportive, teasing included.

Everything was going well. Things were… amazing. Virgil would even, albeit hesitantly, go as far as to say things were beyond amazing. They were practically perfect in every way.

So really he should've known it wouldn't last. Things never went well for him.

~One week after the orb encounter~

When Virgil woke up he almost felt like something was off. He blearily blinked his eyes. But what was off? He felt… normal. Wait, normal? He wasn't supposed to be feeling normal! He was supposed to be feeling smart. Just like he did every morning this past week or so. (Well, except the first day as it'd taken a moment to sink in.) So if he wasn't feeling smart the second he woke up...

What… what happened? What had happened to make him stupid again!?

Virgil jumped when a knock sounded on the door.

"Virgil? Are you awake yet?"

Shit, Logan. Oh fuck. God fucking damnit! Virgil couldn't be stupid again! Logan would… he would… oh god.

"Virgil? Are you hyperventilating? Remember your breathing exercise. In for 4, hold for 7, and out for 8… it's alright, you're alright. Just try again."

How the hell was Virgil supposed to get control of his breathing when he was stupid again? God, Logan will be so disappointed. He'd want to— Virgil choked back another sob.

"Virgil, please. I'm worried about you. Just breathe, okay?"

Logan would want to break up with him. There was no way Logan would ever want to be with anyone this stupid.

"C— can't."

"Mm, you may not feel like it, but I promise that you can, Virgil. And it's alright if it takes you awhile to do so, but you can. You're allowed to breathe. Whatever is distressing you, can be solved. You don't have to go though this alone. I'll do everything in my power to help, and I know the others will want to as well. We're here for you, Virgil."

Virgil only barely muffled his sob. "N— no! Don't w— want you h— here."

Oh god. Why was Virgil like this? Sabotaging everything before it could have half a chance to get bad.

Virgil could practically see Logan's eyebrow raise. "You don't? If you would prefer, I can get someone els—"

"No! D— don't. Please."

"...Alright. I won't. Will you please at least tell me what's wrong, my love?"

Virgil didn't quite stifle this sob in time, the sound all but echoing through his room.

"Oh, starlight. You can tell me. And, unless you absolutely insist for me to go, I'm not leaving you. I'm right here."

Of course he wouldn't just leave unless Virgil was an absolute dick. Of course Logan was so patient and kind. He was amazing.

"Of course I w— want you to l— leave. G— god you're s— so…" And wow, Virgil was the worst person ever, "so a— annoying."

"O— oh. I see."

The smallness and just pure heartbreak in Logan's voice almost broke Virgil completely. He almost, almost opened the door, apologized, and confessed everything to Logan.

But… he couldn't. It was like there was a physical barrier keeping him from doing so, and molasses in his entire body, weighing him down.

"Well… I apologize for annoying you. It wasn't my i— intention, yet I made that mistake anyway. I shall attempt to do better in the future… thank you for c— correcting me."

Yep, Virgil actually hated himself. Why couldn't he ever do anything right?

"J— just… just go away."

Logan didn't deserve this. Didn't deserve this mess he'd accidentally invited into his life.

He was too polite and kind to tell Virgil that he needed to get his shit together directly. But when Virgil inevitably couldn't, he would break up with Virgil.

But Logan… he wouldn't get it, not really. He'd still, even if it hurt him, be so kind and gentle to Virgil. And that… it'd be better if Virgil broke up with Logan before Logan had the chance to.

That way, Logan would feel betrayed, sure, but he could heal from that, and have no problem being cold towards Virgil. He'd finally recognize Virgil for the poison that he truly was.

It'd hurt Logan short term —something which Virgil would never forgive himself for—, but then he wouldn't have to be hurt by Virgil long term.

"Please, g— go."

"I… yes. Of course. And f— for what it's worth, I'm… I'm sorry I couldn't be of more assistance."

Virgil choked back a sob. He hadn't been planning on doing it right now, but he certainly couldn't break up with Logan in this state. It would drag it out farther but it'd be better to wait a bit anyway. He needed a game plan.

God, Virgil was not going to make it through that conversation without crying.

Virgil had been ignoring Logan, and Logan couldn't, for the life of him, figure out what he'd done wrong.

He'd only gone to tell Virgil 'good morning', the day before, but, for seemingly no reason, Virgil had been absolutely distraught. And to make matters worse, when he attempted to help soothe Virgil, his presence had only distressed Virgil further.

Of course, perhaps Virgil being upset had nothing to do with Logan and he just need a lot of space. Then again, maybe Logan had greatly offended him somehow.

And the more Logan thought about it, the more he confirmed his conclusion that he wouldn't be able to solve this on his own. He really needed someone with more emotional experience to talk to about this. Hopefully Patton wouldn't be too busy right now.

After receiving no answer to his knock on Patton's door, he went to check the common room.

"Oh hey, Logan!" Patton looked up from his crochet, his smile quickly turning into a frown at Logan's downcast demeanour. "What's up?"

"I was… wondering if you were busy, Patton. And if you aren't, then I was wondering if you could assist me with an… emotional matter."

Patton tilted his head to the side and set his crochet stuff on the coffee table. "Nope, not busy at all! What's on your mind?"

"Well— er, apologies but I must ask you, are you Janus?"

"Nope! Oh shoot, that's what he'd say though. Darn. Hmm… what's something he wouldn't know?"

"It's alright, Patton. I believe you. I— uh, I actually have an agreement with Janus that he'll reveal himself before I say anything… rather private. So I was just checking before I began."

"Oh! Okay, well, that's good. I'm glad you two are getting along."

"I am as well."

"You, uh, wanna sit down?"

"Hmm? Oh, yes. Apologies." Logan sat down on the couch, making sure to leave plenty of room between himself and Patton.

"It's alright! You got nothing to apologize for, Lo… So, what did you wanna talk to me about?"

"Well, it's just… so you know how Virgil and I have been together for approximately 7 days and 23 hours?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well, Virgil won't talk to me now. I… I went to go see him yesterday morning but he was very upset and said to go away. I, of course, understand that sometimes he needs alone time, especially being the same way myself, and had absolutely no problem giving him the space he needed."

"...But?" Patton prompted.

"But… he ignored my asking if he was okay yesterday afternoon, and my asking if he was up to eating supper with us in the evening, and was completely silent when I asked him if he wanted any breakfast and was he alright this morning. Usually, if he wants alone time he will state as such. Not turn off his music when I knock and then say nothing."

"Oh, hmmm. That is pretty unusual for him. Maybe he just really didn't feel like talking? Or said something but it was just really soft?"

"I… that seems rather doubtful, but thank you. Perhaps… or perhaps I did something to upset him? He called me… annoying and I thought it was just because he was just upset in general but… I mean, I can't recall saying anything that might've been rude or insensitive… but then again I suppose I'm not really good at telling when I've hurt people's emotions."

"Hmm, this is pretty odd. Maybe try giving him a bit more time? And then tonight maybe you should try asking him if he's upset, and if he's upset with you. Oh, and maybe try telling him that you can't know what's wrong if he doesn't tell you, and if you can't help if he doesn't let you. And if he still won't talk to you, I can see what's up with him tomorrow."

"Yes, I— thank you, Patton. This has been really, figuratively, weighing on my mind. I just hope whatever I've done wrong, I can fix."

Patton sighed. "It might've been something you said, but it might not be. Just remember that, Logan. Okay?"

"Yes, you're… you're right, of course. I… yes. It might be something unrelated to me, or at least nothing that I've said or done. But of course, then again maybe it is something I didn't and he doesn't… hold me in a… very fond regard anymore. Perhaps I did something so bad that he won't forgive me and I just completely ruined our relationship and he hates me foreve—"

"Hey, hey, Logan. It's alright." Patton sat his hand on Logan's shoulder. "You're catastrophizing, okay?"

"Yes, I am. I need to calm down. I'm just… just so worried. I mean, what could've happened for him to… to push me away like this. Wh—" Logan choked back a sob. "What did I do wrong, Patton? I just can't figure out what I did wrong."

"I can't say for sure, of course, but it really sounds like you didn't do anything. Maybe something happened but if you said something, you didn't know and I really don't think you could've done something that bad and that easily. Like, I don't know, based on his reaction, I just think you'd at least have a general idea of what you did."

"Yes. Yes, of course. You're right, Patton. I— thank you."

"Of course, Logan. I'm always here for you. And I really hope your conversation goes well tonight."

"I… I hope so too."

"Oh, Bed, Goth, And Beyond?" Virgil heard Roman call from the other side of Virgil's door. "Why are you moping? Did something happen between you and Logan?"

Virgil pulled his blanket even closer and sniffed into his pillow.

Roman continued, "He's been looking really sad and you won't come out of your damn room."

Had Virgil really upset Logan that bad? Of course, he had said some really mean things. It was all a blur, he couldn't really remember what he said… except, he'd called Logan 'annoying'. And that was… God, he was so insecure about that and Virgil had just been an absolute prick and said it anyway. Of course he had. He really was stupid. He just kept fucking things up.

That's all he knew how to do. Be stupid and fuck things up.

"Virgil? Please? Will you please talk to someone about it? It's alright if it's not me. You could work it out with Logan, or talk to Patton. He's always so helpful with stuff like this. Or perhaps I could help in some way?"

Virgil had to bite his lip from wanting to call out to Roman to yes, come help him. He'd fucked up and didn't know how to fix it.

"Oh gods, it'd be so awkward if you're asleep and I've just been rambling at your door. Are you awake?"

Tears sprang to Virgil's eyes. He shouldn't be bothering Roman. He had to stop fucking everything up.

"Oh…" Roman's voice came from farther away, "Well, alright then."

"No!" Virgil exclaimed before he could stop himself.

"Virgil?" Roman asked, voice louder again.

"Y— yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

"Hah, what's an 'okay'?"

"Oh, Virgil. May I come in? I want to help."

Virgil furiously scrubbed underneath his eyes. "Sure, why not."

Roman knew Virgil was awake and probably heard the upset in his voice, likely causing Roman to worry. Better to get this over with and let Roman think he'd helped so Virgil could go back to wallowing in his self-pity and loathing.

The door opened with a small creak to reveal Roman there in his pajamas. "Hey, there," Roman said, his voice surprisingly soft. "Having a bad time?"

"...Yeah, but it's my fault so whatever."

Roman closed the door and sat on the bed next to Virgil, patting his shoulder sympathetically. "I'm sorry to hear that. Do you wanna talk about it, or be distracted from it?"

"Is okay. You don't need to do anything." Virgil pulled his blanket over his head.

"Like I said, I wanna help. Whatever's bothering you is clearly something important, even if you don't think it's big or something to make a big fuss over. If it's gotten to this point then it's something that needs to be taken care of."

"...If I tell you, will you promise not to tell anyone?" Virgil asked, voice rather muffled from where he'd buried himself.

"I won't tell anyone without your explicit permission. I promise, prince's honour."

"Okay. Well, I…" Virgil finally sat up, removing the blanket from his face, and cocooned himself in it. "So I… kinda did something stupid. Like really stupid. Like, if I were in a horror movie, the people watching would be shouting 'no, don't do it!' at the TV… Although, in my defence, it was a really smooth talker."

Roman tilted his head to the side. "What was a smooth talker?"

"Well… I went into the Imagination… kinda like, without your permission… oh, this was like over a week ago, by the way."

"Uh-huh."

"And I found this like, glowing orb."

Roman raised his eyebrows. "A glowing orb? I've never seen it, but I'm not saying I don't believe you! I do, and my lands are quite vast."

Virgil deflated slightly. "Oh, so you don't know anything about it?"

"No, but I could ask around in the Imagination. Tell me more. What happened?"

"Well, it… this sounds a bit weird but, it spoke to me."

"Doesn't sound weird to me. There's quite a lot of interesting and unrealistic stuff in the Imagination. What did it say?"

"It…" Virgil picked at a loose thread on his blanket. "It said… that it could fix my greatest flaw. Big bunch of fuckin' baloney."

"And… and what did you say?"

"That's the stupid thing I did. I said yes."

"Hmm, what did it hypothetically fix? And did it?"

"It… it made me smart. And yeah, it worked… for a while… but then it stopped. It only worked for what… a week? Yeah, it was a week. But anyway, yesterday morning I woke up and I was stupid again."

"I see. There's one thing I don't understand though. I mean, but… you're already smart?"

"No, I wasn— er, no, I'm not. I'm so fuckin' stupid. Like it's not even funny how stupid I am…"

"Oh, Virgil, you're not stupid! You never were…

"And yes, I did notice a bit of a difference this past week, but you just seemed more… hmm, how do I put this into words… like happy and… confident! Yeah, that's the word I was looking for. Like you seemed unafraid to share and show your contributions. And being with Logan really seemed to help your overall mood. It was quite refreshing to see you so… invigorated, ya know?"

"O— oh. Um, t— thanks, Roman."

"Shit, got off-topic. As I was saying, you're not stupid. You know lots of stuff! You're the only one who can give Logan a run for his money when we play trivia. And! You've got a lot of emotional intelligence, ya know?"

"I…" Virgil sniffed. "Yeah. I guess."

"Well, you do. You always know what we need when we're upset, and how to calm us down, or help us let it out."

"Well, I mean... I do kinda know how to handle anxiety attacks."

"You do!" Roman agreed. "And you know what?"

"...What?"

"Even if you weren't regular smart or emotional smart… we'd still love you."

"Y— you would?"

"Yes, absolutely. We would."

"I— o— oh." Virgil's face was not wet with tears. Thank you very much. "Okay."

"Okay?"

Virgil nodded. "Okay. I— fuck, I believe you."

"Good, that's… that's good. I— oh, Virgil, are you crying? Um… oh! Would you like a hug?"

"I… if you, um… yes, please."

Roman wrapped his warm arms around Virgil and he couldn't help but bury his face into the space in between Roman's neck and shoulder.

"It's alright, I've got you. And don't worry about the orb, okay? I'll look into it and see what I can find."

"I…" Virgil pulled back his tear-stricken face from Roman's shoulder to look at him. "Really?"

"Yeah, you just get some rest, even if you can't sleep. Just, I don't know, read a book, and I'll take of it." Roman tucked a loose piece of hair behind Virgil's ear. "Oh, if I find anything tonight, do you want me to tell you what I find when I do, or should I wait till tomorrow?"

"I— tonight, if you don't mind. I highly doubt I'll be able to stop thinking about it long enough to fall asleep."

"Alrighty! Should… um, do you think you feel well enough for me to start my search now?"

"Oh, yeah, of course!" Virgil pulled back, already missing the warmth. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel obligated to stay."

"It's alright, Virgil. You didn't. I stayed because I wanted to. And I'm only leaving now to get to the bottom of this for you."

"Oh, that… sounds like a lot of work. I'm sorry."

"Nonsense! You have absolutely no reason to apologize."

"Well, then… Thank you. I really… I really appreciate this."

"You're welcome, Dark And Daring." Roman smiled heroically. "Farewell!"

"Bye, Princey. Stay… um, stay safe."

Roman's smile softened. "I will."

...

Virgil knew that reasonably, Roman hadn't been gone that long, but it still felt like it was dragging on forever.

He'd tried reading, listening to music, and just about anything and everything to try and get his mind off of what Roman was doing, and if he was okay. God, Virgil really hoped he was okay.

Virgil was just about to start pacing while reading… again, when someone knocked on his door.

"...Yes?"

"Hey, guess what, my Emo Screamo?"

"What?"

"I did a bit of digging and! I found the thing you were talking about!"

Virgil opened the door. "The… thing?"

"Yeah! It's called a Wisher Orb." Roman wiggled his fingers, doing jazz hands. "The Dragon-Witch spotted it in a clearing when she was flyin'."

"Oh, wow, that was fast. It's only been like, an hour or two."

"Yep! It wasn't too difficult… Wanna go check it out? Seemed kinda like you have some unfinished business with it."

"Yeah, I guess so… uh, meet you at the door of the Imagination in ten? I gotta change into something more… suitable for traveling in the woods."

"Sure, Short-Pale-And… uh…"

"No, no. Please finish that, Princey." Virgil said, voice light. "Go right ahead. Say it… I dare you."

"Heh, sorry… and uh, I'll see you in ten then."

It had taken a frankly ridiculous amount of time for Virgil to find the place again, but somehow, after only getting turned around about six times, they finally got to the familiar clearing.

For a brief second Virgil was afraid the orb (what had Roman called it? The Wish-it Orb?) was gone as the clearing, but just like before, he'd barely gotten three steps beyond the trees when it sparked to life.

Virgil wearily approached the glowing, orange orb, noticing that Roman hung back, close enough to be able to jump in and assist if necessary, seeing as he was still in earshot, but far enough back to give Virgil and the Wish-it Orb some semblance of privacy.

"Ah, hello, Mortal. I presume you're back because it wore off, considering it's been a bit over a week. I am a little surprised it took you this long to come back though."

"Shut up," Virgil hissed. "You could've at least told me that it would only last for a week!"

"Oh, but where's the fun, the lesson in that?" The orb laughed, sounding rather like a bell tinkling. "Actually, this whole thing has been a lesson. Both in self-confidence and in realising that you're much smarter than you think… although I must confess something…"

"Oh god, what now?"

"I didn't make you smart."

"What the fuck are you talking about? But you did. I know you did."

"Mmm, not really. You were already smart. I just gave you the confidence you needed."

"Wait, really? That can't... but I… but what about all the facts I knew?"

"You already knew them. You were just never confident enough to share them."

"...What? No, that can't… I mean… o— oh."

"Yes. 'Oh'."

"Oh. Oh, shit... Oh, fuck."

Roman stepped closer. "Uh, Virgil? You alright?"

"I… y— yeah. Just my own worst enemy… a— apparently."

"Remember what you've learned."

"What?"

The Wisher Orb suddenly crackled and fizzled, the light spluttering until the sound stopped and the light faded, giving one last flicker before it shattered, the tiny shards and pieces scattering everywhere.

"No," Virgil croaked out before he all but screamed, "No! It c— can't just— no!"

"Hey, hey, hey. It's okay. It's alright, Virgil." Roman rushed forward, hesitantly setting his hand on Virgil's shoulder, and wrapping his arms around Virgil when Virgil all but clung onto him.

"Stupid fucking— it… pathetic." Virgil all but howled, and didn't think he was just talking about the Wisher Orb anymore.

"Hey. Hey, Virgil. It's okay. It's gonna be okay. You're alright. It's okay… it's okay."

Virgil didn't leave his room for a couple of days. He knew it seemed like he was throwing a fit, but he needed the time. Both to think and to just, take a breath.

Patton had come by the morning after Roman took Virgil to the woods, and told Virgil that Logan had gone to talk to him the night before but he hadn't answered, so Patton came to see what was wrong. Virgil could see how concerned Patton was and told him everything that'd happened. Everything. He couldn't have opened his room door if he was in the Imagination, now could he?

Virgil promised to talk to Logan the next day and explain, and asked Patton to tell Logan that Virgil was okay and not mad at him.

He knew he needed to tell Logan what happened, that he wasn't avoiding him because of anything he'd done, but his throat threatened to close up every time he thought about it.

He was still going to do it, of course. He may not be getting any of that fake confidence from the orb anymore, but he had his own little piece of bravery. Just because he was scared, didn't mean he wasn't going to run away.

He was going to tell Logan, even though it absolutely terrified him. He needed to. Logan should know what had happened, and if Virgil got any say in the matter at all, he would.

Virgil took a few long deep breaths, before knocking on Logan's door.

Logan opened it in record time, staring at Virgil with wide eyes. "I— Virgil. You… hello. Can, um, how can I assist you today?"

"Hey, Lo. I… I came to explain the past few days."

"I— ah, I see. That's… alright. Um, would you like to come in?"

"Sure."

Logan shut the door behind Virgil and they sat on Logan's couch, the large gap between them feeling like a chasm.

"So…" Logan began. "What… what did happen? Did… have I done something?"

"What? No! You haven't done anything, Lo. I promise."

"Then… what? I just… I don't understand."

"Well…" Virgil explained, he explained it all. Everything. From making the wish to its end, from all his fears and insecurities to how Roman had helped, to how much Virgil loved Logan. He told him everything. He laid himself bare for Logan.

Logan just sat there for a few moments —minutes? Virgil's sense of time wasn't the best— and processed.

Logan took a deep breath. "I… I see. That… certainly sounds like an ordeal."

"I— um…"

"Yes?"

"Do… do you h— hate me now?"

"Wh— hate you? I don't think I could ever hate you. Why would I hate you?"

A few tears slipped down Virgil's cheeks. Dammit, and he'd been doing good so far! "Be— because I… I made a bad decision, and t— tricked you into loving me, but really I'm just… I'm j— just stupid. And I— I lied 'n said y— you were a— annoying, even though t— that's so not t— true, 'n you're really i— insecure about it, 'n it's n— not right! You're n— never 'nnoying. A— and s— so I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Logan. I n— never wanted to h— hurt you!"

"First of all, we all make bad decisions, but I… I'm not so sure that could be considered a bad decision. Perhaps not the best one, but you're alright, and you've learned from it. That's the important thing, yes? That you're okay, and you learn something from it."

"I… yeah, I g— guess."

"Second of all, you have certainly not tricked me into loving you. I have not been tricked, and to my full knowledge, you have not attempted to either."

"B— but I said yes because I thought you'd love me if I was smart… and t— then you did. It w— worked."

"Oh. Oh, Virgil. I loved you long before that. I was glad you seemed to be feeling a bit more confident, but my love for you in no way relies upon how confident you are, or your intelligence. I love you for you, Virgil. Not for what you can give me, for you."

"Shit, Lo. I'm a— already crying. Oh my God, y— you're so sweet."

"And you're very kind."

"Mm, Lo!" Virgil briefly buried his face in his hands.

"Ah, yes. I don't want to overwhelm you."

"O— oh. Thanks."

"Of course. Your physical and emotional well-being is very important to me."

"But… I s— still said those r— really awful t— things to you."

"Mm, that brings me to my third point. You said some hurtful things, and it did upset me. I acknowledge that. But that doesn't change the fact that I care about you. I realised that you'd only said that out of a deep hurt. A hurt that I couldn't help with at the time.

"You have apologized, and I take it you will attempt to avoid saying a similar thing in the future?"

"Yes! You're never 'nnoying and I h— hope I never s— say that again."

"That's good. I… did not enjoy hearing it, but anyway. I do not wish to dwell on it, and would rather discuss other important things. So, that being said, is there anything else you'd like to say or talk about?"

"Um, j— just to clarify… you like, actually w— want me, even though I'm an a— absolute mess?"

"Yes, exactly. I very much want you, mess included. For as long as you want me, I want you."

"Oh, I— yeah. I w— want you too."

Logan smiled softly. "Good. That's… I'm glad."

Virgil felt his face warm. "Yeah, 'm glad too… so we— um."

"Yes?"

"We're like, good then, yeah?"

"Yes, very much so. I love you, and am very glad that you're my boyfriend."

"I— good, and I… I love you, and 'm really glad you're my boyfriend too. You're— you're really awesome, Logan. And I—" Virgil wiped underneath his eyes. "I c— can't tell you how much it means to m— me that you d— don't hate me, and in f— fact really truly c— care about m— me."

"Oh, dearest. Hmm… ah, if you feel up to it, would you like some physical contact?"

It took all of Virgil's strength and willpower to not throw himself into Logan's arms. "I— would y— you?"

"Yes, I would not be offering it if I didn't wish to partake."

"Then… yeah, I'd— I'd r— really like t— that."

Logan gently grabbed Virgil by the shoulders and guided them both to where they were lying down on the couch.

"It's alright now, starlight. You're okay. I'm okay. We're okay. You can rest now."

"Love you, Lo."

"I love you too, my love."

And as Virgil lay there with his head on Logan's chest and Logan's warm arms around him, he knew that Logan would always be there for him. Just like he would for Logan...

Now and forever.

~The End~

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shortprince-cos · 4 years

Text

The Woes Of An Emo

Summary: He can have one brain cell. As a treat. Also, y'all knew I couldn't resist angst for this long.

Warnings: A little bit of anxiety, off-screen kissing, not much money(?). Tell me if I need to add anything else!

{Masterlist} {Previous}

Chapter 6: Let's All Run From Our Problems, Shall We?

"Patton!" Roman called. "Why don't we go get ice cream for everyone while Virgil checks out?"

Patton debated it in his head for a second before responding. "Ok! What does everyone want?"

"I'll take a dark chocolate." Virgil requested while handing a five dollar bill to Patton to pay for his order.

"A vanilla, please." Logan handed Roman a ten.

"Alright! Let's begin our journey, Patton!" Roman linked arms with Patton and ventured out of the Hot Topic store.

Virgil immediately looked to Logan. "So what's that about?"

Logan flushed. "Wh- ahem- what do you mean?" He cleared his throat nervously.

"That was pretty out of the blue and strange, and you are definitely acting sus."

" 'Sus' is not a word-"

"What's your plan? To ditch me? Cause if that's your plan you can just tell me to leave-"

Logan put a hand on Virgil's shoulder, and for a moment Virgil thought he was about to die.

"Virgil, you invited us. If we didn't want to hang out with you, we wouldn't have come, ok?"

Virgil let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "Ok." He sighed. "Then what is the plan?"

Logan turned red again. "Oh- um- well- I just wanted to um- surprise Patton with the plush he wanted, so- uh- Roman took him away to distract him." Logan explained nervously.

Virgil smirked. "Oh? Do you...like Patton?"

Logan turned towards the shelf where the Pusheen plush was. "Lets just get the plush and check out." Virgil chuckled as he followed.

---

"Here's your change." The cashier said as he handed Roman some pennies.

"Thank you, sir!" Roman graciously took the three pennies and joined Patton at the bench he was sitting at next to the ice cream stand.

"Your ice cream, my good sir." Roman dramatically handed Patton a superman ice cream cone with sprinkles on it.

"But- I didn't order any!" Patton protested.

"C'mon Patton, I saw the way you looked while ordering everyone else's!"

"Well- I-I can't pay you back-"

"I'm not asking you to." Roman continued to hand the ice cream to Patton, which Patton took reluctantly.

"Thanks." He said with a small smile.

"No problem, Padre. I mean, I can't count how many times you helped me with practicing my lines, or baking snacks for the musical cast, or even just coming to all our musicals, despite not having any friends in them! This is really the least I could do!"

Patton nervously rubbed the back of his neck. "Ah gee, it wasn't that big of a deal! ...But thank you."

Roman took a sip of his milkshake. "Speaking of," he said with his mouth full. "why did you come to all the musicals? It's not like you knew anyone that well in the cast. We basically only talked when I needed something, and I'm pretty sure the rest of the cast did the same."

Patton's face went a little pinker. "Oh- well, uh- I just...like supporting you guys!"

Roman smirked. "Patton Hart, do I sense a lie?"

Patton panicked. "What?! No, of course not! Why would I lie about that?!"

Roman only smirked more and leaned closer. "Because someone there is really important to you?"

Patton's entire face went red. "I- well, I don't know if that's the only reason-"

"Aha!" Roman laughed. "He admits it! Who was it? No, who is it?"

"N-No one!"

"C'mon Patton, this is a safe space! I won't tell! But if you want I could totally help you!" He offered excitedly.

Patton thought about it for a second before sighing. "Islogan." He mumbled.

"Sorry, Pat, I didn't quite catch that." He said in a teasing tone.

"ITS LOGAN! I LIKE LOGAN!" Patton exclaimed.

"You do?" Suddenly Logan was a couple of feet from the bench they were sitting at, definitely hearing what Patton had said.

"Uh-" Patton practically shoved his ice cream into Roman's hands, quickly sat up and r a n.

"Oh sh-" Logan took off after him, leaving Roman and Virgil with extra ice cream and concerned faces.

"Um, I think we should let them sort that out." Roman said.

"Are you sure? What if Logan doesn't find Patton?"

"Logan took track in middle school and he still sticks to diets and work-outs. I think he'll be fine." Roman explained. "Besides, he'd probably run ten miles just for Patton to smile, so."

"Right, right." Virgil nervously sat down next to Roman, hoping that this wouldn't be awkward.

"So, what'd you get, Hot Topic?" Roman askee, pointing to Virgil's big bag.

"Aww, you think I'm hot." Virgil teased before he could stop himself. He said that with Princey one time, and it's become an inside joke for them.

Roman chuckled. "Indeed I do. Is that a problem?"

Virgil flushed a bit. "Only if you make it one." He flirted back. Wait, flirted?

"Oh?" Roman leaned in a little closer, and by little, Virgil means that wow his lips looked super soft. "Would you like me to make it a problem?" He asked, dropping his voice lower unfairly.

Virgil's face went redder. "I-" Virgil's phone started ringing. Thank god, Virgil didn't know if he liked where that was going or not, and he didn't want to find out either.

"S-Sorry I have to take this." Virgil quickly stood and walked a few steps away before answering. "H-Hello?"

"Hey, Virge! Just wondering if you're doing ok, I haven't heard from you for awhile." Emile said.

Virgil sighed in relief apon hearing his father. "Hey, Dad. Yeah, I'm doing good. Just eating ice cream right now."

"Oh good! How are your friends?" Ah. He was worried about him. "Everything going fine?"

"Uh-" Virgil glanced towards the direction Patton and Logan ran in, still not seeing them. "Yeah. Everyone's fine. We're having fun."

Emile sighed a little on the other side of the phone. "Good. Did you spend all your money yet?"

Virgil chuckled. "Ha ha. Very funny. But no, I still have some."

Emile chuckled as well. "That's really good. I'm happy for you, Virge."

"C'mon Dad, don't get all emotional on me now."

Emile laughed a little. "Alright, alright. I'll leave you be then. Call if you need anything!"

"I will. Love you."

"Love you too, Virgil." And with that, they hung up, and Virgil was left alone with Roman again.

Virgil sat next to Roman again, when this time Roman's phone dinged.

Roman gasped as he looked at the message. "It's Logan."

"What?" Virgil leaned over Roman to look at Logan's text. "What does it say?"

" 'Don't worry too much, we'll be back shortly. -Logan.' " Roman read off his screen.

"Does that mean everythings good?" Virgil asked cautiously.

"Sounds like it. Though, Logan isn't that great at communicating emotions over text." He chuckled.

"What do you think happened with them?"

"Hopefully they made out."

Virgil laughed hard, making Roman smile sadly.

"I hope they did too." Virgil said, still laughing. "I swore Patton was gonna swoon when I saw them talking for the first time. Or at least die of blush."

"Oh I know. They're so oblivious, its almost not funny anymore!" Roman smiled. "Almost."

From there, Roman and Virgil laughed over their friends' pining, eventually talking about all kinds of random things while the waited for Patton and Logan to return, all ice cream long gone.

"When Trevor missed his cue? God, I thought the show was over." Virgil reminisced.

Roman laughed that loud, boisterous, adorable laugh of his. "I still can't believe he did that! I mean, how do you forget when you do a quick change right before it?"

Virgil laughed along with Roman when two familiar faces showed up.

"So you ate all our ice cream?" Logan asked, calling attention to himself smiling softly and holding Patton's hand.

Roman and Virgil immediately brightened. "Logan! Patton! You two finally got together!" Roman exclaimed.

Both of them blushed and Patton even hid behind the Pusheen plush in embarrassment.

"Soooo~?" Roman teased. "Tell us everything."

"I-" Patton giggled. "I think we should maybe keep that to ourselves." He said as he blushed again.

"Oh my god, you two actually did make out." Virgil accused. Logan and Patton only went paler.

"OH MY GOD!" Virgil freaked. "YOU ABSOLUTELY DID!"

They all laughed over it after awhile, leaving Roman staring at his phone.

Now he really didn't have a chance.

~~~~~

{Next}

Ooooooo what does that mean????? Guess we'll find out soon~

Taglist in reblog

Reblogs are appreciated!💖

#sanders sides #sanders sides fic #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fanfiction #kawaiikat54 fic #twoae fic #the woes of an emo fic #prinxiety #prinxiety fic #logicality #ts virgil #virgil sanders #ts roman #roman sanders #ts patton #patton sanders #ts logan #logan sanders #sanders sides high school au

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willgrahymn · 4 years

Text

Crushing Fear

wow can you believe I’m posting one of my fics on tumblr? me neither.

Tags: prinxiety, love confessions, some point close after FWSA, flower language, some swearing, and light angst but mostly fluff (oh and I throw shade at Janus).

Summary: Virgil didn't even remember how long he had spent repressing his dumb crush, but with Thomas falling in love, it felt harder to ignore the feelings welling up in his chest. All he knew was that he couldn't admit it out loud. Luckily for him, Roman was a romantic who couldn't stand to let a chance at love go uninvited, even if he didn't always feel deserving of it.

Word count: 3334

I’ll reblog with ao3 link since I know tumblr is dumb about it :)

There were a lot of things Virgil loved about Roman. He loved the way Roman would push back his hair whenever he caught a glimpse of himself or felt nervous and he loved the way it always fell in his face again. He loved the way his eyes lit up when Virgil asked about a show or a musical he knew the prince liked. To be honest, it was hard to think of something he didn't love. Even things he once thought were annoying had become endearing to him.

It didn’t matter. He had a reputation to at least try to maintain, he’d already gone so damn soft around the others since the light sides and Thomas came to get him back and Roman made that sweet little speech in the darkness of his room.

“You make us better.” It was like a song he played on repeat. At the time, Roman was the last person he expected to convince him that this could be his home – his family – but somehow he did. He may have been a jerk early on, but maybe, Virgil thought, he really was a knight in shining armor. Roman was more like him than he once thought; using fake confidence to cover up insecurities was nothing new.

And now, years later, here he was lying in bed like a yearning gay fool with music that wasn’t loud enough to block out his thoughts. He figured his little crush would be something that he could just hide away until it wasn’t even there. That plan was failing horribly though, especially when Roman could steal his breath by just looking at him. He didn't know how to handle feelings that felt bigger than himself.

Would it be smart to try something now? Probably not. What would he even do? Roman always talked of big, grand gestures that could literally and figuratively sweep one off their feet. Virgil didn’t consider himself good at plenty of things, and wooing someone like he was in a movie happened to be on the list. The farthest he'd gotten with confrontation was making Thomas talk to Nico, all because he couldn't stand to see Roman so heartbroken. He could feel the darkness below his eyes lighten to that embarrassingly glittery purple at the memory of how proud Roman was.

But Roman was Creativity and had his own little kingdom in the imagination. Virgil was sure that if he wanted a boyfriend he could just make the man of his dreams who would do anything and everything for him without the slightest hesitation. It seemed existence wasn’t fair like that.

He could just barely hear a knock sounding at the door, Virgil's eyes immediately darting over to where the sound had come. He debated whether or not he should respond. It wasn’t as if he didn’t like his friends, but his same old avoidant tendencies from before never went away.

“Virgil?” Roman asked. His voice making Virgil freeze and want to melt away at the same time. “Are you awake?”

Fuck, shit, some other words Patton would disapprove of. What time was it? 1:30? He couldn’t blame Roman for assuming he was still out, especially since it was the truth not too long ago. He almost felt sorry for his sleep schedule, but there wasn’t much he could do about it. No matter how hard Logan tried to help he always found himself digging through the kitchen at 5 in the morning, and not because he was an early riser. He paused his music, hanging his headphones on his headboard. Listening to Sally’s Song for the 17th time could wait for later.

He heard Roman laugh, and it felt like roses.

“That’s alright. If anyone here knows anything about beauty sleep, it’s me. The glasses gays are insisting that I awaken the beast though, so you better at least have something on before I barge in.”

Virgil wasn’t sure if Roman was talking to himself or knew he was being heard. He just burrowed deeper under his covers. He didn't want Roman to find him awake and think he was ignoring him, even if it was kind of the truth.

The door creaked. It sounded like something from a shitty horror movie. The heavy footsteps didn’t make it any more calming either. Roman was never this quiet. He refused to open his eyes, even as his blanket was pulled away from his face. He couldn’t stop the sharp intake of breath as he felt cool air shock his skin.

“Awh, c’mon! I’m the actor here. Your eyes were closed too tight, for one thing,”

Virgil sighed, opening his eyes and squinting at the light. “I thought you were here to wake me up, not give me acting lessons.”

“Good morning to you too, Mourning Glory. It’s not my fault if you want to hide away all day, I’m just giving tips on being more realistic.”

Virgil rolled his eyes, biting the inside of his lip to resist smiling. Wanting to stay calm as if he knew what he was doing.

“You’ve teased me about being a vampire before. Can’t I play the part?”

“Oh, trust me, you’re perfect for the role. Sadly for you, there are two very insistent Sides saying you have to be a real functioning part of the mind, so unless you want me to carry you out there and make a whole scene, you better come down on your own.”

Virgil sighed, rolling onto his back as his eyes adjusted to the light. The two stared at each other. Testing each other. Not getting out of bed never sounded more tempting.

He gave in, rambling. “Sure, okay, whatever.” He sighed, reaching out and taking hold of Roman’s hand, letting the prince pull him upright. Whether it was he or Roman who ended up bringing them so close was something he could stay up late thinking about later. Now wasn’t the time to focus on rough palms or scarred skin that he once bandaged up while cursing out the ever-so-reckless Roman for sneaking out on quests, leaving Virgil to hunt him down with nothing but adrenaline and a certain level of knowingness in his dread.

He tried to bite back a yawn. His eyes widening at the warm feeling of a hand pressed to his face, of a thumb brushing lightly over his cheekbone. It wasn’t unwelcome, to be honest, he could probably fall back asleep just like this. He’d be okay waking up every morning if they were like this. If the romantic side offered it. If Virgil would allow himself to accept and experience it.

“How long have you been up?”

“Anywhere between 20 minutes to 2 hours. I don’t really know.”

Roman smiled, betraying the worried look in his eyes. It was probably just the effect of his room, that’s what Virgil hoped it was anyway. He tried not to show any disappointment when Roman’s hand fell to the bed.

“I’ll be down in a few,” Virgil continued, “just let me take care of my makeup first.”

Roman’s eyes trailed him as he got up and moved over towards his desk in the corner of the room, flicking on the light as he went by. Why is he fucking staring?

“While I’m here, I was wondering if you’d care to join me for a quest this evening? Or maybe we could throw a ball for the mind palace? I know it’s not your thing, but I thought it might be fun? Or y’know, something else more low-key.”

“Uh, yeah you know I’m not big on big things,” Virgil replied, looking over to the prince picking at a loose thread on the cuffs of his sleeves. “You know if you want to hang out you can just ask, you don't need some extravagant event going on to get me alone with you.”

Roman nodded, not seeming any calmer than before. Virgil's brows furrowed, worries flowed through him as if it were his blood. He didn't want to make Roman talk if he didn't want to, but god was it nerve-racking.

At the very least, it seemed like he wouldn't be putting on any more black eyeshadow to try and hide its changes.

Roman, on the other hand, decided not to question why the Side no longer seemed interested in putting his makeup on, and being grateful for the fact Virgil took advantage of the fact they could conjure themselves into different outfits rather than changing right then and there.

The two stayed there, an awkward silence taking over the room before a crash sounded from the living room.

“We should probably go.”

Virgil simply nodded, pulling his jacket tighter around as he followed Roman out of the room.

Luckily, the crash had only come from Patton knocking over a stack of DVDs, CDs, and a few other things. Another lost-glasses incident. It was a miracle nothing got broken.

The day itself would have felt completely normal if not for the fact Roman kept looking at him. Starting off as unsure as they did in his room, and slowly brightening like he had finally figured out a plothole in one of his stories. It was even more unsettling when he realized Roman was no longer there, vanished off to do god knows what.

So Virgil spent the next couple of hours trying to ignore the feeling of his fears eating him from the inside out like a moth to a sweater. He wouldn’t mind the holes if they didn’t leave him so uncomfortable. But then again, maybe that was fitting for his aesthetic. Torn-up shirts and jeans to pair with his torn-up emotions. At least he found solace in the darkness of his outfits.

It didn’t take long to get bored of the mundane mind palace.

Maybe I should take Roman up on that quest idea. He thought, his foot bounced, hanging over the side of the couch. Even if it wasn’t in his list of Shit Virgil Can Do Without Fucking Up, it was better than sitting around and waiting for nothing.

Virgil got up silently, giving a quick two-finger salute to Logan who had started reading some new detective novel before he sunk out. Appearing again before Roman’s door. Maybe he was just self-conscious, but it looked bigger than it was. Like behind it would be some hidden treasure that he finally reached.

It wasn’t entirely wrong. Roman was certainly someone to be treasured, even if he made mistakes. He just wished the other Sides would help him understand it.

He held his breath as he knocked, jolting back when it swung open almost instantly.

“You’re here!” Roman exclaimed, bouncing on his heels.

“Uh, yeah. I thought I’d take you up on your offer from earlier… if it’s still up, anyway.”

“Oh! Yeah, totally!” The prince tugged at his collar, not making eye contact. Virgil couldn’t help but smile slightly at the prince's giddiness. “I was just working on something if you’d care to see it?”

“You know I wanna see whatever you come up with, even if it’s some rewrite of Frozen.”

Roman bounced again, holding his hands out, palms up. He looked at Virgil with an emotion he couldn’t name, but it made him feel anxious in a good kind of way. Not anything like the dread he was used to. He placed his hands on Roman’s, and it wasn’t till they were sinking out and into the imagination that he realized it was the same kind of feeling from when Nico first texted Thomas about meeting up again. He held Roman’s hands a little tighter.

When he opened his eyes, they were surrounded by flowers.

“Woah…”

“Do you like it? I had to sneak into Logan’s room and borrow a few of his books.”

“I– yeah. It’s beautiful. And don’t worry, I won’t snitch.” He stepped away, wandering the circular little garden. He could only recognize so many. “Didn’t know you had a thing for landscaping.”

“I try my best. Honestly, I’m just happy neither of us has allergies.”

“Gosh, you’re such a dork.” Virgil laughed, petting the petals of a rose. Not paying attention to the way Roman watched him and shifted his weight every so often nor how warm his cheeks had become. “Do you know what any of them mean?”

“I do, but I think if I tell you, you’ll realize how predictable I am.”

“Go for it.”

“Well, roses are pretty well known. The red ones are anyway. Love, passion, romance, and courage. Things like that.” Roman said, walking closer. His boots clicking against the walkway’s pavement.

He stood close by yet just far enough for Virgil not to feel like he was being dissected under his gaze. It was an unreasonable thing to think after all the time they had spent becoming friends, he knew that. Yet part of him continued to scream that one day Roman would look at him and find out how horrible he thought himself to be and never want to be around him again. Maybe that was why he refused to confess just how much he liked Roman. It was a weight that crushed his chest every day yet made him feel dizzyingly light.

It was all too complicated.

“What about the purple ones?”

“It kind of varies by shade, but most of the time it’s about love at first sight or enchantment. A lot of the flowers here have to do with that sort of thing.”

“Yeah, should’ve been able to figure that one out myself.”

Roman shrugged. “It’s no matter, I just want to make sure you understand what they mean.” He looked to Virgil, again with that unnamed emotion. “You do get what I’m trying to say, right?”

For a moment, he hoped he did.

“Uh, yeah? Princey, I get it, you’re a hopeless romantic. You don’t have to spell it out for me.” He bit the inside of his lip, then asked. “What are they for?”

Roman looked at him with what he could only see as sympathy.

“I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I really do think you need it spelled out.”

Virgil scoffed, going to argue before he was cut off.

“First,” Roman began, reaching for Virgil’s hand, “You take him by the hand. That’s as far as you got before we both started screaming, anyway. So I suppose I’ll just have to wing it from here. I know I haven’t always been the best to you. I know I still make mistakes, and I really don’t want this to be one of them.”

“Roman–”

“I’m not finished. Virgil, out of all the other’s, you’re always the one who notices when I’m upset. You’re always the one who lets me bitch about Deceit without saying I was wrong for trusting him and then wrong for not. Really, you’re the only one I can bitch about the dark sides to, period. Logan is so reserved about it, and Patton is, well, he’s Patton. He tries to see the good in everyone.”

Roman paused, catching his breath. Virgil thought it best not to speak. He didn’t think he’d even be able to if he wanted.

“What I’m getting is that I trust you. I trust you because you’re my best friend and you listen to what I say even if it’s dumb. Because when I don’t feel like talking you're always down to just watch classic Disney movies and fill in coloring books. I know you don't realize it, but you do a hell of a lot more good than you believe, and I love you for that. You don’t have to say it back or even feel the same, I know you’re pretty reluctant about it. I just need you to know.”

Virgil stared at him, frozen like a deer caught in the headlights of love. Roman had said ‘I love you’ before, but not like this. What the fuck do you even do when your crush confesses they like you, more so, that you aren’t obligated to like them back? Complicated, and now surreal.

“You really mean it? All of it??”

“Of course I do, my Columbine Cutie! I could never lie to someone about love, I hope you know that.” Roman replied. Waving his hand as he conjured a mix of red and purple columbines, tucking them gently behind Virgil’s ear. Both knowing it was the truth, that Roman wouldn’t subject someone to such a thing because he knew how it felt.

But he still trusted Virgil with his love all the same. Trusted that it wouldn’t be taken advantage of or used against him.

“How long have you known?”

“You know, I think I fell for you far before I knew it.”

Virgil huffed a laugh. “Yeah, I uh… I think it was the same for me. Falling for you, that is.” God, it felt so weird to say it. Good, too. “I’m sorry I don’t know what to say. I never thought I’d end up here. I care about you too. I love you, I mean.”

And Roman… Roman just started to beam, shining like the sun as Virgil tripped over his words. He bounced, hands waving as he did. Despite his lingering fear, Virgil couldn’t stop the excitement Roman radiated and the wonder of it all from seeping in under his skin, a feeling like vibrations that he could only try to shake out. And there were hands cupping his face and there were words he didn’t hear. He still knew what they asked. “Fucking yes.” was all he could bring himself to give as a response before Roman’s lips were on his.

Strawberry chapstick and the faint scent of cherry blossom perfume were all that went through his head, it was the only thing that really could. He held onto Roman’s uniform like if he let go it would all disappear. Another dream reminding him of what he thought he couldn’t have.

When Roman pulled away and Virgil opened his eyes, he was still there.

He was real. Everything that had happened was real. He couldn’t help but giggle at how fantastical it was.

Roman brushed his bangs away, just enough to fully show his eyes. “Your eyeshadow changed again,” he announced, bouncing on his heels once again. Virgil groaned, turning away. “It’s a good look for you. Especially with how much you blush, my Lavender Love.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“It’s adorable.”

Virgil knew from the grin on Roman’s face that it had only intensified.

“Whatever. I just– for what it’s worth– I appreciate it. All of this. I’d probably die never telling you shit about how I felt if you didn’t do it first.”

Roman softened, “Maybe, or maybe you’d end up pushing yourself like you did to Thomas. Either way, I’m happy with it if you are.”

Virgil nodded, the two going silent. Roman rocked back and forth still quietly bouncing, probably thinking of what to say next.

Slowly, Virgil opened his arms, smiling nervously to his crush– lover– whatever they were. He wasn’t all that open to touch, but Roman was so far off from everything else it didn’t matter. The prince smiled, pulling Virgil close to him and pressing a kiss to his magenta-colored hair.

“I’m happy to be your knight as long as you want me to be. Whatever it is that gets thrown our way, I’ll fight for you as you have for me. You deserve to shine every day like you are now.”

“Jesus, Princey. You already made your dramatic love declaration, but... thank you. I want you to be happy too.”

The two held each other, and for the moment, everything was okay. No dark sides, no fear, no challenging life debates. It was unescapable, of course, but it didn’t matter. They could survive and fight this hell of a world. They could make the other realize how lovable they were. Because they had each other.

#Sanders Sides #Prinxiety #Roman Sanders #Virgil Sanders #prinxiety fic #your validation. hand it over SDLCVFH #ugh bye im gonna cry about this #Virgil's Volumes

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spicycreativity · 3 years

Text

Intertwined - Chapter 1

Rating: Teen

Content Warnings: It's a hanahaki fic, so. Mild body horror, blood, respiratory illness. (Starts at Ch 3 and gets worse from there).

Characters: All

Pairing: Moceit

Additional Notes: This one was supposed to be Darker and Longer, but turns out I'm not in the headspace to write angst atm, so it ends up moving p fast. Swaps between Janus and Patton's POVs. Post-PoF, light angst. Not whump. They both get hanahaki, but there is absolutely no version of Moceit in my mind where Janus isn't the one who falls first. My AO3 username is WizatdGlick.

Summary: The story of how Janus and Patton find each other at rock bottom and fall in love anyway.

A gentle knock on Janus' door drew him out of his thoughts. He donned a mask of triumph as he rose to open it, straightening his hat as he went. It couldn't be Remus; Remus never knocked so softly, which meant that Janus had to perform. He slid into the role with difficulty, struggling to find the edges of this gloating persona when all he felt was numb and tired and lost.

It was Patton at the door, and Janus felt everything slip, and Patton's eyes lit up with recognition, and all of Janus' resolve fell away in the face of that beseeching gaze.

"Come for another debate?" Janus asked in a low voice, making no effort to hide his ironical smile.

Patton smiled too, though he dropped it a moment too soon. Janus got the distinct impression that Patton was also far too wrung-out to put on any kind of act tonight. "Just came to check on you."

It would be as natural as breathing for Janus to draw back, place his fingertips delicately to his chest, widen his eyes. ' Check on me?' he would say, all faux-innocence, ' Please, Patton, I'm not a child. I don't need your pity.'

But he didn't.

Here was Patton, reaching out, and hadn't that been what Janus had wanted all along? That tiny, fervent flame that he hadn't allowed himself to acknowledge, that smallest ember of hope that someone might just give him what he was convinced he had to take.

The seconds stretched out until the silence verged on awkward, and Janus' pride stood up to do what his cunning would not: "I'm fine." He was fine, strangely. Not happy, as he perhaps should have been, but nothing hurt.

Patton's brow furrowed. "Am I supposed to believe that?" he asked gently.

Something warm and soft and dangerous bloomed in Janus' chest at Patton's look of confusion. He had freckles on his nose, scattered like spilled cinnamon: a trait assigned by Thomas’ subconscious. "Patton," Janus said, flicking his gaze upwards to meet Patton's eyes. "Would you like to come in?"

"To your room ?" Patton asked, eyes widening. He looked past Janus' shoulder and Janus fought not to move and block Patton's gaze with his body. He had just invited Patton in; there was no point getting shy now. "Won't that, y'know, do something to me?"

"It's just a matter of self-control," Janus said, hoping to get a smile out of Patton.

Sure enough, Patton did smile. "What color is my shirt?"

Janus said, "True blue," and stepped backwards to let Patton in.

It was a risk to bring someone into his room like this, but he felt unusually clear-headed tonight, calm and strangely secure despite the fact he had just let a known enemy past his defenses, and despite the exhaustion that made every breath feel heavy.

"Warm in here," Patton remarked, looking around.

Janus motioned him over to a set of armchairs. To be seen was to be judged, and he wasn't sure what he would do if Patton found him lacking again . "I have a question for you, Patton."

In the low light, the tear tracks on Patton's cheeks glimmered when he tilted his head inquisitively. "You do?"

Janus nodded, slow and calculated. He was sure he already knew the answer to the question, and preemptive anger bubbled thick and hot in his veins. "Who," he said, unable to keep from glaring, "came to check on you?"

"Well," said Patton, "Ah… They don't-- Everyone's upset right now--"

"And you're not?" Janus demanded. "And don't you dare tell me that you're fine." His emotions were running too hot; he needed to check himself, but seeing Patton make excuses filled him with a passion he'd only ever felt on Thomas' behalf.

"I am--"

"Don't."

"But I have to be," Patton whispered. "I can't-- I know they told me… They said it was okay for me to be sad, but--"

"If you fall apart, there's no one there to pick up the pieces," Janus guessed. "Sure, you can be sad, as long as it doesn't interfere with your role."

"Don't be mad at them," Patton pleaded, and Janus realized with a jolt that he would get into no one's good graces by slinging around insults.

"It's just hard," Janus said plainly, only half-noticing the words coming out of his mouth. He had just become aware of a keen and sickening new desire, borne on the back of a newfound respect for Patton that he had even lasted this long without having some sort of spectacular breakdown. Janus' whole chest ached with it, that and the equally sickening knowledge that he had just become horrifically vulnerable, that he had fallen under a spell he could never hope to break.

He saw it in his mind's eye: he saw himself stand and lean over, take Patton's jaw in his hands, kiss him long and deep and slow. He saw himself lay his body and soul bare before Patton, getting on his knees to forgive Patton all his perceived flaws. He meant well, after all. He only ever meant well, and it wasn't really his fault that those good intentions were capable of morphing into a cruel and deadly weapon.

But he would plunge that weapon straight into Janus' heart before their lips could ever even meet. Janus could see it now, Patton pulling away in confusion and disgust. His tenuous patience would give out then and there, and Janus would have no hope of acceptance ever again. Same for Remus, probably. They would remain Dark Sides forever, damned to be eternal outcasts. All thanks to Janus' pathetic inability to control himself.

"Why do you care so much about…" Patton hesitated for a moment and gave a shallow sigh. "Well, about me?"

And now Janus found himself walking a chasm’s edge. His instinct was to lean hard into the opposite of the truth and insult Patton so deeply that he left and never came back. Eliminate the threat. But that wasn't an option now of all times. No, he had to maintain a friendship with Patton, somehow. He had to keep himself under control. How fun. "You're a part of Thomas," Janus said. He paused.

"So are the others."

"You've earned my respect."

"Oh," said Patton. "Wow, um. Gosh, that's…" His lower lip trembled. "I should go," he said in a broken voice.

Janus surveyed him in silent agony, teetering on the precipice of a lie. With a monumental effort, he pulled himself away from it and opened his arms. "Come here."

The floodgates opened. Patton fell into Janus' lap, already sobbing. Janus held him, all his muscles stiff and awkward. He was much smaller in the mindscape than he was in Thomas’ eyes and it was difficult to support Patton’s much larger frame. A sharp pain flared in Janus’ collarbone where Patton had buried his forehead and his tears were already starting to seep through Janus' clothes. He cringed at himself and the absurdity of the situation, wishing he had some way to make it better. He should have had words for this, all the right words to soothe away Patton's worries and set him right again. But he was so tired.

"I'm s-s-sorry," Patton said through shuddering sobs that dug his forehead harder into Janus' clavicle.

"It's okay," Janus said, concentrating hard on keeping the effects of his room at bay.

"Are you--" Patton sniffled " --sure you're okay?"

A rush of affection melted Janus' heart and he sighed and held Patton closer despite the shooting pain in his collarbone and the ache in his arms. Even in the midst of a post-breakdown breakdown, Patton was self-sacrificing (self- destructive) enough to check in on him. "You don't have a selfish bone in your body, do you?" Janus sighed, lamenting Patton’s bleeding heart. For some reason, this only made Patton cry harder. Janus cast his mind back to the last time Remus was this upset, found nothing, had to speculate. He and Remus and Virgil were self-sufficient, secretive. When it came to personal crises, they weathered them alone and bore the aftermath in stoicism. "Do you want me to play with your hair?"

"I don't know," Patton sobbed into Janus' chest.

Janus sighed and began to run his fingers through Patton's honey-colored hair, grateful that the thick material of his gloves kept their skin from touching. It was better this way, and a good reminder for Janus. He guarded his heart so closely for a reason.

Janus, despite the discomfort from the awkward weight distribution and the clammy feeling of cooled tears on his shirt, was half-asleep in the chair by the time Patton stopped crying.

"Sorry," Patton said, pulling away, and even with snot and tears all over his flushed cheeks, even with his eyes all red and puffy behind his fogged-up glasses and his hair standing up at strange diagonals from Janus' attempts at comfort, he was radiant.

"For having feelings?" Janus asked, gently imaging himself into a new, dry shirt.

"For making them your problem." Patton took his glasses off and began to polish them on the hem of his own shirt.

"Patton, I need you to know this." Janus waited until Patton looked at him before continuing, "I owe you nothing. If I had wanted you to leave, I would have asked you to leave and thought nothing of it."

Patton nodded and went back to polishing his glasses. They were silent for a long moment, during which Janus found himself unable to suppress a series of yawns. It must have been around 4:00 in the morning by this point. They had to have been the only ones awake.

"Hey, Janus," Patton said, finally putting his glasses back on. "You know The Breakfast Club?"

"Yes," Janus said distractedly, trying to figure out where Patton was going with this.

"This wasn't our version of that, was it?"

"What do you mean?"

"When tomorrow comes and we're back to, to some sort of normal… You'll still be my friend, right?"

Now here was a situation Janus had never once envisioned for himself. He had pictured winning over Roman, had pictured gaining Thomas' support. Never once had he expected real friendship with any of them, let alone Patton. "Yes," he said, feeling sick at the irony of it. He had been comfortable as Patton's enemy, was now yearning for his kiss… How could he be friends with Patton when he burned like this for Patton's wholehearted affection? Was he really just supposed to endure it?

Patton smiled, so sweet and earnest that Janus had to bite down on his tongue. "Good," he said. "Speaking of, do you wanna have breakfast with me?"

"Not right now, I hope," Janus teased.

"No, no, not right now." Patton muffled a yawn into his sleeve. "I guess I'd better go."

Janus nodded. "See you in the morning?"

"Um," said Patton, who didn't appear to have been listening. "Thank you, Janus. You didn't have to-- Well, thank you."

He sank out without another word.

Janus imagined himself into his pajamas, imagined the lights off and threw himself onto his bed. "Fuck."

Frigid air seeped from the hallway seeped under the crack where Janus' door stopped just short of the carpet. He didn't allow himself to notice, and continued to put his outfit on piece by agonizing piece. The cold air made his joints slow and achy, and he struggled to get the clasps done up. It was just as well that he hadn't put on his gloves yet. He had become quite adept at handling things while wearing them, but for this task, the bulky fabric would only get in the way. After all, just like his singular snake fang, his gloves were for aesthetics, not function.

Finally, he donned his hat and faced the door, forced to confront that fatal truth: He could never have what he wanted. The moment he had achieved his goal of Thomas’ acceptance, the triumph had slipped away in his hands to be replaced with a truly unattainable goal.

Memories from last night, the phantom sensation of Patton in his arms, teased him until he had to sneer at himself. Pathetic. He was acting pathetic. Falling for Patton was strategically inadvisable, even if he couldn’t help it, but actively pursuing him was out of the question. It was all-risk, no reward. Still, his treacherous heart fluttered, teasing him with the thought of Patton’s lips on his own, Patton’s hands on his body, sharing heat, deepening the kiss--

“All risk,” Janus said out loud to himself, “no reward.” A mantra to see him through. He opened his door, his gloved hand slipping a little on the polished brass of his doorknob, and nearly walked straight into Remus as he passed by with an armful of dismembered dolls.

“Well,” said Janus, tilting his head to better examine the pile of plastic limbs and bodies in Remus’ arms, “I won’t ask what you’re up to.” He stifled a yawn behind his hand, visualizing a piping hot cup of coffee. A shudder wrecked his concentration and he frowned. “Are you the reason it’s so cold in here?”

Remus ignored the question, his feverish eyes darting from Janus’ mouth to his hand to his face. “I knew you were up late last night. That’s why I came this way.” He gave a crooked but strangely boyish grin. “I wanted to know where you’d gotten off to. Or who you’d gotten off with. ”

Janus, to his horror, blushed. Fragmented images flashed through his head-- What if he had kissed Patton? And Patton had kissed back? Mask, mask, mask! “I was spreading the Gospel.”

“You were spreading something , though, weren’t you?” Remus shifted the dolls in his arms and held up a masculine torso. “I know I heard Big Daddy’s voice. Play a little game of Patton- Snake , did you?”

Janus swore he could hear porcelain cracking as his heart began to race. “In all seriousness, Remus, we did reach an agreement.”

“Sounds like you reached more than that.” Remus waggled his tongue.

God, he was relentless when he was on the scent of something. Janus hid his face behind his hands, realizing a moment too late that this display of shame would only add fuel to the fire. So he took the only option left and muttered, “Boundaries,” into his palms.

“Oh,” said Remus, leaning back on his heels. “ Oh. Janus, you didn’t .”

“Of course we didn't!” Janus hissed, dropping his hands.

"But you wanted to?"

“How much did you hear yesterday, anyway?”

“Oh, I heard the whole debacle, including that heartwarming little moment at the end,” Remus said, rocking forward onto his toes. “Thanks for putting in a good word for me, by the way.”

They fell into an awkward silence as Janus once again reached for words that simply weren’t there. “I didn’t mean it,” he said finally, cursing himself.

“No?” said Remus. “Not even a teeny tiny little bit?” He poked Janus in the chest with the plastic torso, still clenched in his left hand. “Right here?”

“You,” said Janus, “are just as evil as I am.”

Remus backed off with a grin, leaving Janus in doubt that he had ever even been angry in the first place. “So where are you off to now? Roman’s got this place awfully cold; gonna go warm Patton’s snake?”

“You already made a ‘Patton snake’ joke,” Janus said, slamming another mask onto his face to hide his blush. “But to answer your question, he asked me to join him for breakfast.”

“Aww.” Remus wiped fake tears from his cheeks. “You better not start spending too much time with him or I’m going to get jealous.”

#moceit #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #sorry if this shows up in the tag and catfishes the whumpers but i just wanted to say:#i specified that this isnt whump specifically because i DIDNT want to catfish y'all lmao #i just don't have it in me to hurt my babies that bad skhsjshf #anyway no judgement just not what this is #spicywrites #spicywrites intertwined

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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 2 years

Text

Fury

Prompts: Could we get a sequel to rage? Because I really enjoy batshit Roman and Logan, along with supportive Virgil and Remus. Preferably Patton and Janus continuing having their head in their asses, and Roman and Logan knocking some sense into them. - anon

Both Roman and Remus give tank vibes (in the RPG sense) to me, and also tend to have self-destructive issues. Could I request a fic or AU where both of them keep trying to take the hits for everyone else, and tell each other "you need to stop getting hurt" but can't recognize it in themself? And eventually the rest of the group sits them down and goes "we love you, we want you to be safe, please don't do this?" - anon

May I please request some c!thomas angst? Maybe some my-sides-are-arguing-and-it’s-getting-painfully-overwhelming flavored? - anon

I am way late, I know, but Thomas's birthday is tomorrow, from my timezone at least, so something centered around character him would be lovely (especially in your awesome writing!!) Maybe something with the sides showing the their love for him and/or him expressing it back somehow? I think their relationships can be so cute but from what I've seen people don't often write about them sadly. Thank you for considering this, and extra thanks if you write it! (Ps: sorry this was long 😅)

happy b-day thomathy sand dollar

Read on Ao3 Part 1

Warnings: some allusions to manipulation and guilt tripping

Pairings: logince, platonic or romantic i don’t care

Word Count: 5278

His ears are ringing. That’s funny. They don’t normally do that.

His ears are ringing. That’s funny. They don’t normally do that. Maybe there’s a bell going off somewhere. Or there are sirens driving by outside. No, no, this is a bit too high-pitched for that. What was it that Logan called it again? Oh, right. Tinnitus. That’s what’s going on. Wait, does he have tinnitus? He doesn’t think so. He keeps his headphones on a reasonable volume thanks to Logan anyway, it’s not normally quick onset like this, is it?

“All I’m saying is—“

“All you’re saying is we completely disregard the progress we’ve made in favor of sliding back into patterns of thinking that have done nothing but harm us, yes, I can see why you think this is a perfectly rational course of action.”

“That’s not what I’m saying! Stop twisting my words!”

The ringing is getting worse. His temples start to throb. He doesn’t remember that being part of Logan’s description of tinnitus. Maybe that isn’t what this is. But then what could it be?

“Janus, if you don’t have anything useful to contribute—“

“Wow, perhaps I should’ve imitated you again, then I would be listened to, right?”

“Hey! Not cool, you slippery snake, that was out of line!”

“And you never color outside the lines, do you?”

He blinks. That’s funny. He thought he was looking up at the Sides. Why is he staring down at the carpet? It’s a nice carpet, though, so maybe he doesn’t mind looking at it. There’s a stain there. Did he spill something?

“Kiddos, kiddos, let’s all just calm down now. There’s been a lot of aggression from both sides, so let’s just—“

“Both sides?”

“There are more than two of us talking, Patton.”

“Both sides of the argument, Logan, that’s what I mean. So let’s all just take a deep breath and—“

“Are you kidding me? He’s the one who’s insulting us! We’re just standing here!”

“You aren’t just standing there, you’re disagreeing with him.”

“And disagreeing is enough to be insulted and degraded like that?”

“Wow, Roman, so sensitive. There’s no need for you to get so upset.”

“Yeah, kiddo, you just need to calm down. Then we can talk about this calmly and rationally, just like Logan wants, okay?”

“You realize we’ve tried that already, right? That’s how we started this conversation!”

Someone snorts. “You remember three years ago when we started this conversation?”

“I believe it’s only been about thirty-five minutes.”

“I was exaggerating for dramatic effect, L.”

“Ah.”

“But Roman, you aren’t being very open-minded about this.”

His chest hurts now. Why does his chest hurt? Is it because he’s thinking about how long it’s going to take to clean the carpet? It’s not that bad of a stain. It must’ve just been tea he spilled. Or juice. Maybe that’s it. Maybe he spilled some juice and he has to clean it up. If he could move, he would go and do that. He should go and do that now.

But there’s something he’s forgetting.

“You have to try and compromise, Roman, that’s the only way this is going to resolve amicably.”

“Come on, kiddo, you’ve done so well with it before, just calm down and then we’ll keep going, okay?”

“Well, I’m not sure I can wait that long, as long as he’s not about to fire off on all cylinders…”

“Janus, just be patient with him.”

A sharp pain shoots through Thomas’s chest and an ache blooms on his cheek.

Right.

He’d been having trouble deciding whether or not to go to one of his friend’s gallery openings. It was on a day they were free, by design, and they should be able to go. But the reason that day was free was because they’d arranged his schedule so he could have a free day, absent of any obligations or work requirements. If he went to the gallery opening, it wouldn’t be a free day anymore.

Right, right, that’s why everyone’s so mad.

Thomas winces as he feels a hand rub against the warmth on his face. His eyes still haven’t left the carpet, head pounding and chest aching. They’ve been fighting for—oh, what was it that Logan said, over half an hour now? And they’d made no progress.

Because Roman had suggested that one two-hour commitment might be nice since it was something Thomas would enjoy anyway and supporting his friend would be nice too, but Janus had doubled down on this being a free day and Patton had agreed that it would be wrong of them to go to make themselves feel better and—

“Holy shit, Princey, that—that looks bad.”

“It’s fine.”

Patton sighs, disappointment strong enough for Thomas’s chest to ache with renewed zeal, “Roman, you don��t need to be so dramatic.”

“Faking a bruise? Really?” The condescension and scorn in Janus’s words make his stomach turn. “Next you’ll be telling us you need time to ‘recover’ before we can continue.”

Thomas feels cold. It isn’t cold in his apartment. Why does he feel cold? It is always cold? He tries to open and close his hands but they won’t respond. That’s weird.

“Hey, assholes, why don’t you back off for a second?”

“Language!”

“Not the time, Patton, now shut up and let Roman be.”

“My, my, Virgil, how rude. You shouldn’t talk to your father like that.”

“We’re all the same age, you dick!”

There’s a shocked inhale. How did Patton manage to breathe in so sharply? He should try it to see if it’s possible.

“There’s no need for such rudeness, Virgil, look what you’ve done.”

“What I’ve done? What about what you’ve done?”

“I’m not the one shouting!”

“You’re shouting right now!”

“But we didn’t start it, Virgil, you know that—“

“Actually, if we’re counting ‘who started it’ by who devolved into petty insults and making things personal, I believe you did start it.”

“And I’d never dream of disagreeing with you, Logan, what kind of monster would I be if I did that?”

Try as he might, he just can’t mimic the gasp Patton did. Why not? His chest doesn’t want to expand. That’s annoying. What if he needs to breathe?

What if he needs to breathe?

He needs to breathe?

He needs to breathe.

Oh.

Oh, no.

He needs to breathe.

The realization of what’s going on slams into Thomas. He can’t breathe. He’s not breathing. His head is pounding and his chest is aching and his face stings and his ears ring and he can’t breathe.

He can’t breathe.

“Hey.”

The noise of the room dulls out into a soft mumble as someone speaks into his ears.

“Hey, Tommy-Boy. Thomas. Thomas.”

Remus. That’s Remus he’s hearing.

“Sure is, Thomas. Just me. You’re not doing so good right now, and that’s okay, but I’m gonna need you to focus on me for a moment, ‘kay? You’re doing great right now, just stay with me.”

Remus. Remus. He can hear Remus. Remus’s voice is soft and careful and he grabs onto it with both hands.

“That’s it, you just stay with me here. I know breathing is hard but you gotta take a breath, okay? Go slow, then it won’t hurt so much.”

Remus begins to guide him through breathing. This is good. This is fine. He can do this.

“You sure can, Thomas, you’re doing really good. Just another slow breath, okay? That’s all you gotta do. Just like that.”

Thomas closes his eyes and draws another slow breath in through his nose, out through his mouth. It stings a little as it hits the back of his throat but Remus shushes him carefully.

“It’s okay, Thomas, just keep it nice and slow. You’re doing great, just keep coming out of it for me. Shouldn’t be too hard, you’ve done it before, yeah?”

What’s happening? What’s happening to me?

“Your Ego is taking the brunt of the battering that’s happening right now,” Remus explains softly, “so you’re not feeling too good. Roro’s doing his best to keep the worst of it away from you, but there’s only so much he can do while he’s getting treated like this.”

His mind drifts to the throbbing in his cheek.

“Yeah, that’s a bruise. Not on you, on Roro. It’s okay, Thomas, you’re okay. Just keep breathing and come out of it, okay? This is temporary, it won’t last forever.”

After what seems like forever, but can’t be longer than a few minutes, Thomas finally takes a deep breath that reaches all of his lungs and blinks.

Wow, okay, his neck is sore. How long has he been staring at the ground? He winces, rolling it around a few times before looking up at the rest of the room.

The Sides are looking at him. Some of them look sympathetic, some of them look curious, some of them look annoyed. At him?

“No, Thomas,” Remus says, still speaking softly, “not at you.”

“You got overwhelmed,” Virgil says, usual growl softened to a low rumble, “that’s all. Sorry it took me so long to notice.”

Thomas shakes his head. “I, uh, that hasn’t happened to me before. Not like that.”

“My guess is that having all of us—“ Logan motions around the room— “arguing like that was…doing the equivalent metaphysically ripping you apart.”

Thomas winces. “Yeah, that, uh…mhm.”

“My apologies for not noticing sooner.”

“No, no, you guys were…busy.”

“'Were,’ yes,” Logan says, a little sharper, before turning to address the others, “but we’re done for today.”

“What?” Patton blinks. “But we haven’t come to a decision!”

“That is correct,” Logan continues, the chill in his voice making the hairs on Thomas’s arm stand on end, “but we will not make a decision at the expense of Thomas’s well-being. Ergo, we are finished for the day.”

“And you get to make that decision all by yourself, do you?”

“He’s not by himself,” Roman says lowly, turning to face Patton and Janus, “I agree with him.”

“Well, there’s a surprise.”

“Me too,” Virgil growls.

“And me.” Without waiting for anything else, Remus stretches his arms out—Thomas hides a gag—and grabs Patton’s shoulder and Janus’s elbow. “Bye!”

Virgil rolls his eyes a little fondly as the three sink out, shooting a look at Thomas. “You gonna be okay if I leave?”

“Y-yeah, Virgil, uh, thanks.”

Virgil tips a lazy two-fingered salute as he sinks out. Logan glances at Roman. The two exchange a look and a nod that—okay, Thomas is missing something here. But then Logan turns to him and his expression softens.

“Do you want one of us to stay with you for a little while?”

Thomas rubs his arm, trying to get the goosebumps out. “Um…”

“Let me,” Roman says softly, “I can help, if you want. Seeing as it’s…well, me that’s hurting.”

“It’s not your fault, Roman.”

“I didn’t say it was.” He takes a step closer. “But I am the part of you that’s hurt.”

Thomas falters and Logan nods carefully.

“Roman will take care of you,” he promises, “or…perhaps you will take care of each other.”

Thomas looks between them. “Will you two…explain? Later, maybe? You seem…something feels different.”

Roman huffs out a laugh. “Yeah, you could say that.”

“Later, Thomas, we will do our best to explain. But for right now, why don’t you take care of yourself?”

“Okay.”

Logan smiles, a soft thing that he hasn’t seen in a long time, and sinks out.

“Thomas,” Roman says, his expression still soft and compassionate despite the—ouch, despite the huge bruise on the left side of his face, “can I come over to you?”

“Uh, yeah, buddy, you can do what you want.”

“Thank you.” Roman walks over to him and whoa, okay, that’s a bit weird. Yeah, he knows the Sides can move and stuff, but he’s not normally this close to them. “Thomas?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m here.”

“You sure?” Roman tilts his head and frowns. “You seem a bit…well, discombobulated.”

The memory of the ‘discombobulate’ clip from that one Sherlock movie springs unbidden into his head and he can’t help but giggle at it. Roman smiles with him.

“What?”

“Sorry, sorry, it’s just…discombobulate.”

Roman throws his head back in a louder laugh. “Don’t worry, I’m not about to discombobulate you.”

“That’s such a good word.”

“What, discombobulate?”

“Yes.”

“I have to say it in the accent, don’t I?”

Thomas screws up his face and puts on the worst posh British accent he can think of. “Discombobulate.”

“Discombobulate.”

“That’s it!”

Roman shakes his head, still laughing. “RDJ would be proud of us.”

“We’ll put it on the list of things to do if we meet him, right?”

“When, Thomas,” Roman says grandly, his hands sweeping up into his normal dramatic gesture, “when we meet him.”

“Yeah, okay.”

At the quietly resigned note in his voice, Roman softens, the brazen grin going back to something a little kinder as he stands up and nods to the couch. Thomas goes, sitting down and putting his head in his hands. After a moment, he feels the couch sink as Roman sits next to him.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“What is there to talk about?” Thomas groans and flops back onto the couch. “If I go, I’m either being selfish and doing it to make myself feel better, or I’m putting someone else’s wants above my needs again. Or I’m being selfish by staying in and not going to support my friend, or I’m taking care of myself regardless of how bad I feel about not going.”

“That wasn’t what I meant,” Roman chides lightly, “I meant do you want to talk about how you’re feeling right now.”

Thomas blinks. “I…um…”

“I’m your Ego, Thomas,” Roman says when Thomas can’t find any more words, “I’m the you that gets hurt when things go wrong. I can tell you what I’m feeling right now, but it might help more if you do it.”

“Um…well, my face still kind of hurts.”

Roman nods encouragingly. “What else?”

“My chest feels…heavy? Almost like there’s a weight attached to it?”

“Mhm.”

“And, um…my ears are still ringing. I can’t…it, um…it’s not good.”

“Here,” Roman suggests, prompting Thomas to sit up a bit, “cover your ears with your hands and drum your fingers on the back of your head, just here.”

Thomas tries, a little doubtful, only for the soothing taps on the back of his head to banish the worst of the whining from his ears. His eyes widen and he looks up at Roman.

“Better, I take it, yeah?”

“Yeah, loads better, how did you…?”

“Logan,” Roman says, “he and Virgil—since they’re both part of the Left Brain, they can get into feedback loops with each other and I don’t know if you know this about Virgil, but he really likes to crank the volume on his headphones.”

Thomas shudders. “I can imagine.”

Roman chuckles. “So…Logan taught me how to cope with it and it helps me when Remus and I are bleeding too much.”

“Wait, what? You bleed?”

“Shh, shh, not like that, calm down. Just ‘cause we’re both Creativity, sometimes when we get excited we tend to, uh, the lines between our parts of Creativity can get a bit messy.”

“So it…doesn’t hurt?”

“No, Thomas, it doesn’t hurt.”

Thomas accepts it with a nod. They sit on the couch in silence for a bit, as the throbbing pain begins to ease and they can relax into the cushions. Thomas glances over to see the bruise fading away from Roman’s cheek. His eyes are closed and he looks…peaceful.

“I’d tell you to take a picture,” he says out of nowhere, startling Thomas, “but you see our face every day, don’t you?”

“Sorry, I, um…”

Roman chuckles. “It’s your face, Thomas, you’re allowed to look.”

He cracks an eye open when Thomas stays quiet.

“Or ask me any questions you have.”

“What…happened?” He shifts a little closer on the couch. “You and Logan and Remus, you…last I remember, you were all a bit…”

“At each other’s throats?”

“Yeah.”

Roman sighs, some of the peaceful energy slipping away and for a moment, Thomas wants to retreat the question, try and give some of it back, but Roman speaks.

“We had a talk.” He shifts. “Or, well…talking was involved. Basically, we went to a rage room Remus made.”

“A…rage room?”

“A room full of things designed to be broken so you can let your anger out.”

Thomas blinks. That…doesn’t sound like the Roman and Logan he knows. Remus, sure, but…these two? “…why?”

Some part of him bristles and the question and he winces.

“Sorry if that was rude, I just—“

“No, Thomas, it’s alright, I don’t mind telling you.” Roman sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “I just—the last time someone asked me that question, it wasn’t with the same—they didn’t ask it like you did.”

“…how did they ask it?”

“The same way you would ask someone why they still wholeheartedly support the Harry Potter franchise even after all that’s happened and the new game has been announced.”

“Oh.” He frowns. “Wait, who—“

“One question at a time,” Roman laughs, sitting up a little more. “Logan and I went because Remus and Virgil suggested it. And they were right, it did feel good. We, uh, had a talk before and realized we were more on the same side of things than we thought. It was nice. A good bonding experience.”

Despite himself, Thomas smiles. “Baby’s first act of civil disobedience?”

Roman grins. “Exactly. Ooh, I should look for Captain America’s shield next time. Really beat the toast out of some anti-homeless architecture for flavor.”

“I’m sure Logan would be down with that.”

“Me too.”

They laugh for a moment before Thomas swallows. “…so who…?”

The last of the humor disappears from Roman’s expression and he sighs. “I’m not telling you this because I think it’s your fault, I’m telling you this because you asked for it, okay?”

“Uh…do you want me to un-ask for it?”

Instead of the laugh he thinks he might get, Roman just sighs again. “No, Thomas, you…you have a right to know. It’s your Sides that are the problem.”

Thomas sits up a bit more as Roman turns to face him.

“Can you answer me one question before I tell you? Honestly?”

“Yeah, Roman, I can.”

Roman hesitates. “Do you…do you think Patton and Janus treat me or Logan fairly?”

Thomas blinks. And blinks. And blinks again. Not the question he was expecting to have to answer.

Do they?

Roman is…well, Roman isn’t really shy about what he wants, is he? He’s loud and extravagant and insists on things, so…

Wait, is he?

Thomas furrows his brow.

The last time Roman wanted something it was…the callback. And he didn’t—the whole point of that was that he sent Thomas to the wedding. Which he didn’t want. And then with the wedding, he…well, after the wedding he didn’t do much. That was Patton and Janus fighting.

But hasn’t it always been Patton and Janus fighting? The two of them disagreeing over what was going on? What Thomas was doing? Since when did Roman come into it?

The last time Roman stood up for what he wanted until Thomas shut it down was…was…

Guys and Dolls.

And then Janus had impersonated Patton. And then there had been the wedding. And then—and then—

And Logan, gosh, what happened to Logan?

They’d excluded him from the trial, Janus had impersonated him so many times, they’d…

Oh, god.

Roman is still looking at him, waiting for an answer.

“No,” Thomas whispers, “no, I don’t think they do.”

The sudden wave of relief that crashes over Roman takes him by surprise, especially when the bruise suddenly vanishes and the pain fades. Another smile comes to his face but it glows now, it looks—Roman looks at him and smiles and Thomas smiles back.

“You have no idea how much that means to me,” Roman murmurs, still smiling, “thank you, Thomas.”

He nods.

“So…Logan and I were talking about that, and uh, we got…a bit frustrated.”

“I think that’s fair.”

“And then Remus and Virgil heard what we were talking about and they suggested the rage room.”

A bit of dread curls in Thomas’s stomach. “Did…did Patton and Janus…?”

A darkness flitters across Roman’s gaze. “They weren’t the most receptive to the idea.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Isn’t it,” Thomas says bitterly, “they’re my Sides.”

“Yes, they represent part of you and how you think, but you’re not completely responsible for them.”

“So what do I do? I don’t want them to be mean to you! If you—if you need something, I should listen to it!”

Roman just stares at him, a soft smile playing on his lips again.

“Oh.” Thomas’s eyes widen. “Oh.”

“In a roundabout way,” Roman says quietly, “I think I’ve just done what Janus has been pushing you to do. Take care of yourself.”

“I’ll try,” Thomas promises, reaching out as Roman rests a hand on his shoulder, “I promise, I will.”

“That’s the spirit.” His mouth curls up higher. “You know what I think we should do now?”

“Watch that discombobulate clip until I can’t stop laughing at it?”

“You read my mind.”

“My mind.”

“You’re in charge!”

As soon as Remus sinks them into the Mindscape, he squares his shoulders and lifts his chin. Into battle.

“Remus!” Patton crosses his arms and glares at him. “That was inappropriate! We do not sink other Sides without their permission!”

“You’re fine, Dad-bot, you’re not hurt.” Remus flicks a speck of grime from his sash. “Besides, I was helping Thomathy, doesn’t that count for something?”

“Oh, sure,” Janus drawls in that voice that never fails to set Remus’s teeth on edge, “you did just what we wanted, how very good for you.”

Remus grits his teeth. “Like you can talk.”

“Oh, but I can.” Janus grins and his teeth glimmer. “Quite well, in fact.”

“We were in the middle of a conversation, Remus, you can’t just sink us mid-conversation!”

“Wrong!” Remus bounces up and down on the balls of his feet. “You were in the middle of being giant whale penises to Logan and Roman. I was in the middle of trying to keep Thomas from dissociating so hard we ceased to exist. We are not the same.”

“You don’t need to exaggerate, Remus.”

“He’s not exaggerating,” Virgil says, appearing next to Remus, “that was bad, you guys. Like, really bad.”

“Mm.” Janus fixes him with a look. “Bad enough that you didn’t notice it?”

Virgil glowers. “Yeah. If it’s bad enough that I can forget Thomas exists, that’s how much he’s out of his head, me, the literal embodiment of worrying about Thomas, then yeah, Janus, that’s bad.”

Janus looks at Virgil for a long time, before nodding once. Silent. A concession, not an apology.

“Well,” Patton says, clearly doubling down, “then that’s even more reason why you shouldn’t have done that, Remus! You know that speaking directly to Thomas like that can be dangerous, just look at what happened last time?”

Remus growls. “What, me showing up? Is that the big bad boogeyman that you think about? Just me? I don’t know whether I should be flattered or insulted.”

“My, my,” Janus says, his voice sharper now, “how polite, Remus, it seems your manners haven’t gone anywhere at all.”

“Oh, I’ll show you manners.”

“Remus,” Virgil says quietly, “don’t, you’ll just do what they want.”

“Yes, Remus,” Janus drawls, “don’t do what we want, we’re the bad guys, remember?”

“Don’t,” Virgil says sharply, pointing a stern finger at him, “you don’t get to play that card. Not now, not after what just happened.” “And of course, I wouldn’t dream of doing anything without your express permission.”

Virgil is saved from having to respond to that when Logan rises up next to him. “Hey, how are they? All good?”

“Yes. Roman is going to stay and help Thomas recover a little more.”

“Good. You okay?”

Logan nods as Virgil knocks their elbows together.

Their attention is drawn back when Patton straightens up and fixes Remus with a look. “I just don’t understand why you did that. We all could’ve helped Thomas recover, but you didn’t let us make that decision.”

“You did,” Remus growls, “you did make that decision, when you didn’t look at the consequences of your little argument long enough to realize what you were doing. That disqualifies you from helping. Go straight to gay baby jail, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred goat testicles.”

“Yeah, that’s how I remember the game going too,” Virgil mutters.

“It was going fine!” Patton pushes his glasses up his nose. “You just messed things up like you always do!”

Remus goes still.

“Is that what you think I do,” he asks in a soft, dangerous voice, “you think I just mess things up?”

Patton falters. “W-well—“

“No wonder Roro’s so fucked up,” Remus spits, making Logan flinch, “if this is who he grew up with. At least Janny’s honest about being a lying liar who lies about things.”

Patton recoils as if Remus has struck him and Janus moves protectively in front of him, glaring at Remus. Remus returns the glare with equal fervor.

Janus is the first to look away.

Virgil just shrugs and glares when he tries to look at him and eventually, his gaze comes to rest on Logan.

“Come on, Logan,” he says, trying for coaxing and missing, “surely you don’t think this is all necessary?”

Logan just blinks. “Do you think my opinion will be valuable in this situation?”

“You’re Logic, aren’t you? What does Logic have to say about this?”

“I’m confused, are you asking for Logic or Logan?”

Janus rolls his eyes. “What’s the difference?”

“The difference is Logic would be able to tell you how rude and inconsiderate you’re being without getting upset,” Logan says, his control over his voice beginning to slip, “I as Logan, however, will not. And I will add that you are being cruel.”

“Oh, for the love of—if this is about—“

“Yes, this is about that,” Logan snaps, “and about impersonating me, and about everything else you’ve done in the name of Thomas when all you’ve been doing is clawing your way into a better standing with him at our expense.”

“You get them, L,” Virgil mutters.

“Logan,” Patton says quietly, a hand on his chest, “I have never—“

“Oh, fuck off,” Remus sighs, “you pressed the ‘skip all’ button, and a shit ton of other stuff.”

“And, in case you’ve forgotten,” Virgil says, “you did just bruise Roman right in front of everyone.”

“You have no proof that was me!”

Remus opens his mouth to snap at him when he feels a familiar tingle in his fingers. “Why don’t we ask him?”

Indeed, Roman rises up into the Mindscape and Logan has to blink.

Roman is glowing.

Not just because he’s wearing white, there’s a soft light emanating from him that makes Patton and Janus take a step back. Although judging by the hunch of his shoulders, it’s equally likely that he’s glaring at them so hard they move back.

“Congratulations, Janus,” Roman says and oh, that’s new, “I think I’ve just gotten what you’ve been pushing for this whole time.”

Janus swallows. “And what would that be?”

“Thomas is going to start listening to himself,” Roman says as he walks toward him, “he’s going to start paying attention to what he wants and what he needs. He’s going to start making sure he’s kinder to himself about that.”

Janus blinks.

“That is what you want, isn’t it?”

“Y-yes?”

“Good. Then yes, Janus, you’re welcome.”

Patton clears his throat. “And why are you taking credit for this?”

Next to him, Janus goes white.

“Oh,” he breathes out, “oh, oh, oh, no, Roman, I’m—I’m so sorry.”

Roman turns to look at Patton. “Because the part of Thomas that wants, that is the loudest about when Thomas needs taking care of, that part that Thomas hasn’t been listening to, is me.”

“Roman is the Ego,” Logan supplements quietly, “and he’s the one that gets bruised every time Thomas gets hurt.”

“Oh, Roman,” Janus mumbles, staring at him like he’s never seen him before, “Roman, I’m—I—“

Roman’s hands tremble where they’re clenched next to his sides. “I know.”

Patton looks back and forth between Roman and Janus, his gaze growing increasingly frantic. “But—but Roman, we do listen to you, we—“

Roman just lets out a mirthless laugh.

“—you’re always arguing with us,” Patton tries instead, protests growing weaker by the second, “and we—“

“You’re so preoccupied with the fact that you and Janus are agreeing after so long that you’ve forgotten it’s your fault we’re all like this.”

Patton does flinch at that, his mouth open, staring at Roman.

“It’s true,” Logan says, a little kinder, “you and Janus…when you started to disagree, you split us up. And your disagreement filtered down to all of us. And now that you both agree again…”

He trails off.

“They’re telling the truth,” Janus says very quietly.

Patton looks around at all of them. “No…no, no, that can’t be right, it can’t…no—“

Roman’s fists shake. Remus steps forward and pulls him back a few paces, muttering in his ear.

“Don’t. We’re both bad about taking hits, you’ve taken enough today.”

“He’s not going to understand,” Roman hisses, “not right now, we...I’m done for.”

“You aren’t,” Logan says as Virgil nods, “you’re going to be fine.”

Patton raises his head slowly. His fists tremble at his sides too. “We’ve all had a very hard day,” he says instead of addressing anything that’s happened so far, “so we’re all going to calm down—“

“Aren’t you tired of being nice?”

The room pauses. Roman looks at Logan. Logan looks back.

“Aren’t you tired of being nice,” Logan repeats, “don’t you just want to go apeshit?”

Roman grins. “Yeah, Specs. I really do.”

Remus cackles with glee and sinks them out.

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ketchup-monthly · 3 years

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Sanders Sides D&D 2

Ooh fresh take: Jan is virge’s patron and that’s why there’s beef

Also: Jan is some sort of fae related being

Jan: i need you to do something for me Virgil: no Janus: that's not how this works!! Virgil: watch me :P

Okay so I was thinking of Patton as a cleric cuz ooh healer however, Patton as a Druid makes me so happy

I want logan to have Rage

(Also that could tie nicely in an arc about Logan learning to accept feelings)

but barbarian logan is going to be a scholar again and is gonna be smort

bc hes logan. he cant be not smart

Oh I figured he’d be the bbeg that eventually joins the party (hurt/comfort baybee!)(Remus)

he was the bbeg but then joined the party as a bardbarian or just a bard

plus, actual bard who accidentally casts vicious mockery instead of bardic inspiration

Side note: please include a scene where Remus attempts to seduce the dragon

also with this second au, i can start them at like level 5 so people can multiclass

Pat as cleric/druid

gasp logan as artificer/barbarian

janus sorcerer/rogue

because basically everything but alchemist would work well with barbarian, but alchemist feels very Logan

bc mad scientist being actually mad

alchemist logan making an experimental potion and going "here im not sure what this does but im sure its fine! someone drink it"

Remus does it voluntarily, but Logan usually tries to get Roman to drink it

Virgil will occasionally drink it when he's on his last legs and is just like.....100% done with the party

remus as a wild magic path barbarian and just fucking teleporting or doing something equally ridiculous whenever he rages

Oh my god Remus with rage would be a force to be reckoned with

You gotta describe the first time he goes into a rage really dramatically

obviously virgil is trying to "escape" his patron, Janus (really just do whatever he says to not do out of spite)

Eldritch knight roman

Feywild warlock virgil

hey so in the second d&d au, should roman and remus be actual full siblings but like remus went darkside and like romans just trying to get back at him for putting a dark stain on the family name

hey hey hey what about warforged Logan? (essentially a robot)(so like "i dont feel anything" becoming real)

okay hear me out. elf roman and elf base simic hybrid remus. so like maybe the reason remus went darkside was experimentation? so like. hes elf but special

FALLEN AASIMAR VIRGIL

virgil just transforming in the middle of a combat scenario and like his eyes turn into black pits and flightless skeletal wings appear on his back and like everyone near him has to make a charisma check and like he deals extra necrotic damage

Pat is the one human stuck in a band of misfits

so with it, roman would be a full elf, and remus would be an elf that has tentacles bc octopus

So robot logan

i meant literally he doesnt feel anything

like he has all the emotions, but he doesnt physically feel the need to like eat or sleep or stuff like that

he just.....he pretend he don't have the feelings.....but he do.....he feel so much and he hides it all in his littol mechanical heart <3

plus......if he warforged, then like.....AC huge

he stands in front of friends.....he protecc...."no, i don't have feelings, i am physically incapable of affection" but he do!! he do! he take hits for them because he do!! he care so much

Bro he spouts all this and then he uses a reaction to dive in front of someone and everyone’s just like oh

LIKE ROMAN STILL BEING MEAN TO LO BC HE THINKS HE DOESNT HAVE FEELINGS BECAUSE HE DOESNT HAVE A HEART BUT HE DOES

hey hey everyone needs to grow

and logan standing up for himself and other people stepping in and saying no stop thats not right

plus if canon wont give me roman facing the consequences of his actions towards Logan......

but also Roman learning how to properly handle his own emotions and how he interacts with others

logan who doesn't view himself as anything more than a machine to be useful to others

the party giving logan love and affection until he slowly learns his own worth as a person

Roman and Logan not getting along (maybe Roman has a Lore reason to distrust Warforged, maybe not) and slowly learning to trust each other

when Logan is feeling real down or having some issue, Roman actually comes through to help him, showing how far both characters have come

Okay yes but also can we please give Roman more confidence than canon? Like I’m sooooo sick of low self esteem being played for laughs or just being really really sad

this boy is going on a mission and will slap his brother upside the head and tell him to shut tf up remus youre not a monster just come back home and he will do it alone if need be

OKAY SO WHAT IF HE ORIGINALLY WENT ON THE QUEST JUST TO STOP REMUS ONCE AND FOR ALL BC ROMAN THOUGHT HE WAS A MONSTER, BUT ALONG THE WAY, AND AFTER LOGAN, HE CAME TO REALIZE THAT NO, JUST BECAUSE REMUS (AND LOGAN) ARE DIFFERENT, THEY ARENT MONSTERS, JUST DIFFERENT

AND LIKE IN THE FINAL PUSH TO MAKE REMUS JOIN BACK WITH HIS BROTHER, ROMAN IS PROJECTING HIS OWN FEELINGS ONTO REMUS AND EVERYONE IS LIKE WOW BRO YOU GOOD THERE, BUT ITS A BIG MOMENT FOR LOGAN, ROMAN, AND REMUS

im unsure as to how, but it happened when he was an older teen/young adult. a simic scientist either picked him (read: kidnapped), or remus volunteered (potentially to escape court life, unaware what exactly the experiment was going to do to him physically

bc also, remus and roman are royalty

so like. how best to get at the nobes/royalty/rich famous people than by turning their kid into a monster

wait, wait, wait, because i'm lowkey a sucker for this trope, but i'm not sure if it fits Remus: the experiments left him with some fairly significant physical pain/uncontrolled magical reactions. through some combo of trying to deal with that and trying find a cure for his pain, he keeps like....absolutely wrecking random towns on accident but also deliberately wrecking certain places looking for either a) vengeance on the guy(s) responsible or b) someone who can make the pain stop

SO LIKE. WILD MAGIC BARBARIAN DOING WEIRD SHIT TO HIM WHENEVER HE RAGES

AND LOGAN COULD MAYBE HELP WITH THE PAIN AND SHIT

BC ALCHEMY

Yknow, for simplification purposes, we could say the True Bbeg just gave Remus lycanthropy and Remus hasn’t managed to control it yet

lycanthropy but simic shit?

Mr. I-Don't-Have-Feelings sees the poor dude in pain and also Roman in emotional pain from seeing his brother in pain and is absolutely like "i must resolve this like right now, immediately" because he definitely doesn't hate seeing his friend suffering, or his friend's brother whom he's just met

he definitely doesn't relate at all to the idea of someone else shaping your body and absolutely does not sympathize with Remus's plight

i was thinking the grappling thing and either manta glide or the ability to breathe underwater for the simic stuff, but like he doesnt have control over the tentacles yet?

Manta glide seems like we could have fun battle scenes

he just jumps off a cliff to avoid mushy talk/dealing with his actions/roman

Roman: Remus just because you're a monster and though i wish i was an only child-- Remus, jumping off a cliff: byyeeeeee Patton: Roman, look what you did! Virgil: dammit jan what did you do? Janus: why do you think i had anything to do with that? im a fae, not a genie Logan, thinking: what an asshole. i wish i could do that

oh my god Logan always being tired mentally bc he cant sleep

Oh my gosh I love that. So Remus got kidnapped super young, (from royal family) they never found him, as a result Roman had to grow up super fast (side effect: lowkey inconsiderate and forgets to ask for others input). Meanwhile, Remus was experimented on by True Bbeg and came out with some trauma and super cool additives

yep! chronic pain and ptsd and all sorts of other shit!

so like, simic hybrids are usually created when they're adults. but what if the true bbeg decided to go younger to see what would happen, and thats why remus has chronic pain and stuff

he was still growing when his genes were spliced, so hes dealing with growth plates shifting and his body maturing and puberty and body changes and stuff

Pat is going to have a lighthearted story. Im saying that now. Hes the one without all the baggage

Sure, but his parents have to lowkey be the really kind people who are surprisingly always down for violence

everyone: multiple crises Pat: y'all need help Pat: love and affection in spades for his little band of misfits

Patton (which I think would be pretty simple, honestly he might just see danger and jump in and suddenly everyone in the party has Feelings)

Logan

Mhm. So how did he grow up? Was he just poof created? Wait

What if he was created by the king?

To make up for remuss disappearance

wait, wait....angst......he was created to fight (hence the barbarian stuff) but alchemy is his real passion

wait so like. a second son???

hes there to replace remus?

Yea! (But like in a sympathetic grief way) But that causes a bit of a complex in Roman and ergo Roman and Logan have a bit of a beef

okay so like. hes there to be a companion for roman, and like take remus' place, even though hes not actually in line for the throne?

LOGAN AS A KNIGHT

and just......the conflict of being created for a specific purpose (plus being, you know, robot and technically incapable of deviated from said purpose) vs the fact that he actually does have independent consciousness and like....wants to live life for himself

the parents made Logan a barbarian in hopes that him and Roman would be safe

okay. so logan was created by the king with the sole purpose to take remus' place as romans brother/companion, and to be his like guard? protector? and fight, but logan wants to be an alchemist and study shit

wait, wait, wait.....thinks about Asimov's Laws

he.....his first operative is protect (specifically protect Roman)

oh man. so hes literally just a shield

his second level operative is just like.....care for Roman's emotional well-being, but he doesn't really know emotions because he was kinda just spawned and nobody told him how

and he just....kind of....lets Roman treat him like garbage and take all his grief out on him because he's staunchly in denial of both having feelings or knowing how they work

Anyway Yea so Logan created by royal family in place of Remus which created angst between the two “brothers” and identity issues in Logan. Their arcs are learning how to healthily process emotions plus Roman apology and Logan commits to alchemy

So big question: why did virge make a deal?

Tricked

he gave janus his name

and instead of janus like killing him or whatever the fae do to people who break the rules of dealing with the fae, jan was like. hey. i'll give you magic, but do what i say

Janus is lawful neutral, but leans towards being selfish

hes self serving, but he has a strong set of morals and rules he follows

Tho I want to Virgil to also not be pushover so let’s say loophole happened and Jan has to stay with virge (hence why Jan is a part of the party)

okay so a couple of the rules are dont give a fae your true name and don't try to figure out their true name

what if virgil accidentally gave up part of his true name, and got stuck in the deal, but then figured out janus' true name

so in the same vein that janus had control over virgil, virgil now has more control over janus

he still gets his magic from janus, so he cant break free completely, but virgil has more freedom and can occasionally tell janus what to do or when to shove it

there should a running gag where virge can explain how he learned Jan’s true name but Jan can make something loudly censor him every time

(he learned his name bc once he heard janus practicing his evil genius voice and talking to himself in the mirror and janus said his true name)

so maybe janus sent virgil on the quest to protect a town or stop something related to remus, but virgil dragged him along

he might just be trying to protect a town thats close to a ley line, or something fae-related, and they just happen upon the whole thing

janus is selfish. but lawful vs chaotic is where he comes through, in morals vs doing whatever. janus has a strong set of loyalties to the fae, and to himself

so like....Remus is just too close to Jan's stuff and he wants to take him down

Virgil is just like....exhausted and said "fine, but if i gotta do this, you're coming, too"

or at least figure out a way to protect his place, even if it doesnt mean fully taking out remus. just moving him would work for jan

Janus: virgilllllllllll hes going to mess up my magic storage locker Virgil: Jan, its empty Janus: but its mine

Yea. Remus attacks a city away from the fae: Jan: Yknow I’m gonna sit this one out Virge: oh no you don’t, get up

Janus vs Janice

so his real name is Janus, but Virgil calls him Janice

Virgil: This is Janice Janice: with a “U-S” Virgil: mhm, sure Jan

I'm a big fan of just like any of the old theory name being various aliases for Jan

Damien, Dante, Ethan, Declan, etc, etc

#ss d&d 2

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