#anyway i stand by my last post in saying the ra*bits members need a break

[xpeachesncream]

bands | thirteen

[ series masterlist ]

summary: jeon jungkook has it all: the looks, the fame, the money, the women. being considered the sexiest man in the industry, he finds no complaints about the way his life is going nor does he find any reason to apologize for the way he approaches it. he is a force to be reckoned with - until he meets you.

pairing: stripper!reader x idol!jjk

genre: (18+) strip club/nightlife au, post grad au | fluff, angst, smut

words: 3.9k

warnings: cussing, mature language/implied sexual content, slight degradation, trouble stirring behind the scenes if you squint, yeonjun and soobin (txt) make an appearance but also as reg 18 yr olds lol

tags: @brightcolorsoffendme​ @min-nicoleee​ @eggbutnotyolk​ @ra-mun-e @miinoongi​ @jimidol​ @ppeachyttae​ @thebeebi​ @bluesharksandfish​ @kooafraid​ @liriaus​ @thisartemisnevermisses​ @ggukkieland​ @preciouschimine​ @sunniejinnie​ @cypheruby​ @cyb3rbab3​ @masterlists101​ @awhnamjoon​ @redhedhoseok​ @wooya1224​ @taeismydeath @jikookiekosmos​ @un2-verse​ @aynsx​ @wearenot7withu​ (please message me if you would like to be added to the taglist!)

"BTS' Jeon Jungkook rumored to be dating stripper from nightclub!"

"Jungkook is no longer single, ladies!"

"Jeon Jungkook is dating a stripper? Why the hell is he doing that?"

"Who the hell does she think she is? I bet she's not even pretty."

"Jungkook fell for a stripper? Out of all people? Damn, and I thought he was better than that."

Jungkook has been tired, the rumors constantly being spread day in and day out. But, it still didn't mean he was gonna say shit to prove himself to people out there. He didn't need to give anybody answers. Hell, this was strictly between you and him and that's how he wants to keep it.

Fuck every single one of you who didn't wanna be behind him and support him. Don't even think about calling yourself a fan of his if that's your mindset.

He could truly care less. He was happy and he felt ten times better than he has in a really long time. It's unfortunate how people love to stay narrow minded. The only thing that bothered him was the fact that it was so unfair for you - how they stuck to that stripper image, rather than really getting to know you beneath the surface.

But it's not like anyone else deserved to know the real you, not after all this shit. And he was gonna keep it that way, and protect you.

"Hey, don't listen to any of that shit, okay?" Jungkook says as he meets you in your car in the BigHit building garage. "None of that matters to me."

"I know, but Kook." You look at him. "Your career, BigHit literally might not even want me here and-and—"

"Then I'll make sure they understand it's not an issue, because it's really fucking not." He says, getting irritated only at the thought of the company giving him issues over you. He watches as you slightly frown, causing him to sigh and soften his own facial expression. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get worked up like that. It's just annoying how people are narrow-minded. This has absolutely nothing to do with you." You give him a small smile. "Come on, I'll walk you." You silently nod and hop out of your car. You follow beside him, your stomach in knots having to meet with their performance director. This meant you'd also most likely run into the rest of Bangtan.

In which happens to turn true pretty quickly.

"Jungkookie!" Hoseok says loudly down the hallway as he approaches the both of you. He does nothing besides smile, curiosity definitely filling his eyes.

"This is Y/N. Y/N, Hoseok hyung." He holds out his hand for you to shake, his head tilting ever so slightly because you know he's familiar with your face. He's just trying to remember from where. Or, he has recognized you, but he's trying his hardest not to say anything.

Cause they have seen all of you, especially in that fishnet bodysuit.

"Hi! Nice to meet you! You can call me Hobi for short. Are you meeting with someone?" You nod.

"Yeah." Is all you can reply with as you shyly tuck a strand of hair behind your ear.

"Nice, goodluck!"

"Is everyone else here?" Jungkook asks, making Hobi nod.

"Yeah, but they're still running through some stuff in the dance studio. I just ran off to take a break."

"Okay." Jungkook looks at you. "Follow me, he's in one of the private studio rooms." You both part ways from Hoseok, the need to clutch onto Jungkook's arm immensely strong right now. You hold yourself off though, because even with passing a few female staff members, you catch them looking at you oddly with the way you're walking side by side with Jungkook.

Nope. Don't even think about it, Y/N. It doesn't matter.

Jungkook knocks softly on a door, the middle of it being made up of entirely frosted glass so it's difficult to see inside. Their performance director opens the door swiftly and welcomes you in with a warm smile, stepping aside to let you in.

"I've got it from here, Jungkookie. Thank you." Jungkook nods but tries to peek through the door to get one last glimpse of your face before he shuts it fully. "How are you doing, Y/N?" He sits in front of you, leaning onto his knees with his hands fully clasped together.

"I'm good. How are you?"

"Good, tired." He chuckles. "Thanks for taking my call earlier and for meeting at such short notice on a weekend. I had a couple of things come up and didn't want to push things off until later." You smile.

"It's no problem."

"Jungkook tells me a lot about you."

"Does he now?" You chuckle and tilt your head to the side.

"Says you're a really good person. Super hardworking. Told me a little bit about your situation with your brother."

"Mmyeah, it's a little complicated."

"It's alright, no need to get into the details." He smiles before letting out a small sigh. "It's incredibly rare for me to hear Jungkook speak like that. In general. He's usually very closed off, doesn't like to let people in much. He really respects you, you know? Cares about you a whole lot." You slightly blush.

"I'm still getting used to it." He chuckled.

"Look, I know you've been worrying because of where you've been and all that, but I want to reassure you that none of it matters. I don't like to focus on all that. You're here as you, not her." He says, putting another pronoun to your stripper persona.

"Thank you, I appreciate it." He nods. There's a small pause before he begins to speak again.

"I could really use some help around here if you're still interested? The boys are becoming a lot for me to handle."

"Ah-uh, yeah! Of course I am." You found yourself stuttering at the sudden offer. Was this fucking real?! "But, you are aware of where me and Jungkook are at, right?" You ask, trying to be completely transparent and honest about their relationship. He nods and waves his hand out.

"As long as you keep it professional here, right?" You nod.

"Right."

"Come, let me show you around really quickly and have you formally meet the boys." You swallowed the lump in your throat. Fucking great. He definitely didn't know they've all seen your titties and pussy out during Yoongi's birthday, and now here you were - about to meet them again in this environment. Hobi was awkward enough even though he tried not to be.

Surprisingly, Jungkook wasn't waiting outside in the hallway like you thought he would be, but the tour commences and the PD is taking you around pretty quickly. You feel even more awkward and somewhat alone [even though you weren't] without Jungkook nearby, but you chug along and say your hello's to the people you're introduced to. He finally brings you into the dance studio, where there's loud ass music blasting, Jungkook, the boys and some backup dancers in front of the mirrors fooling around.

"Aye boys, come here real quick." You and Jimin lock eyes and your body suddenly gets tense. The room feels 10x hotter than it already is, especially when he slowly walks over and clenches his jaw. He is literally seeping with hate right now, maybe actually disgust, and he doesn't even try to hide it. Most of them for sure recognize you, but they seem to brush it off and give you a big wave/smile anyway.

"Last, that's Jimin - Jimin, Y/N." You give Jimin a fake smile, and the only thing his ass can reciprocate is the smallest, tight-lipped smile you have ever seen. You've never even seen your mom do that when she got mad or upset with you.

"Hi." Is all you can say.

"Sup." He looks at you before turning on his heel and walking away.

"Ooookay?" Namjoon furrows his brows as he watches Jimin walk away so rudely. "The hell was that about?"

"I knew that was Kookie's girlfriend! Maybe Jiminie remembers seeing her titties and shit too, needs to walk away before he gets his ass beat by him." Yoongi says lowly behind Namjoon.

"Yeah, like you're any better." Namjoon says, looking at Yoongi weirdly.

"I mean, we did see her practically naked." Jin says, chiming into the discussion.

"I touched her." Yoongi's mouth slightly hangs down. "I touched her."

"Go ahead, say it louder so Kookie can hear you." Jin nods sarcastically. "Go, say it!"

"No, stop." Yoongi's cheeks turn red while shaking his head and laughing. "He'll literally launch me out the window with one hand."

"Good."

"You asked for her to sit on your lap too, bro!"

"I was joking, and it's not like she did it anyway!"

"Whatever, I'm keeping my birthday deep in my memory storage."

"Clean slate for her so it should be for you too, my guy." Namjoon says as he has enough of their conversation.

You look at Jungkook who is silently standing there, looking like a big dork with a huge smile on his face and his thumbs up. You give him the tiniest nod before proceeding to follow the PD out.

"So?!" Jungkook dashes to meet you in their waiting room area, where an abnormally large picture of Jimin posing oddly hung up.

"He said he'll send me all the info and papers and stuff!" You respond excitedly as Kook hugs you and quickly swings you around.

"See, I knew it would work out!" He puts you down. "Are you gonna tell Kai?" You shook your head.

"Not today at least, it's his birthday and I don't wanna take away from that. It's his day." Jungkook smiles at you.

"Text me when you've picked him up? I should be home by then."

"Okay." You blush and back away, making Jungkook look at you with confusion. "I have to keep it professional here, duh."

"Ah I see." He chuckles. "That won't last very long."

"Jungkook." You whine.

"There's a lot of private rooms here and—"

"I'm not listening, sorry. I think Kai is suddenly calling me." You cover your ears as you begin to walk away, giving him one last smile before leaving him to the rest of rehearsals and whatever else they're doing. He laughs to himself as he waves you off, excited to get through the day so he can just spend time with you and Kai.

As the hours go on and it's about time for you to pick Kai up, you quickly stop by the store because you're a procrastinator and didn't buy Kai's birthday gift any earlier. You felt bad you weren't able to find the shoes he wanted, but you at least snagged the video game he had been talking about for a couple of days now. Before walking into the arcade, you made sure to write your birthday card and slip some more money into it before shoving it in your bag to give to him later.

"Your pretty sister is here." Yeonjun grabs Kai by the shoulder as he finishes up a game.

"Yeah, and you're too young for her."

"Age is nothing but a number. It's only like.. 6 years apart."

"Besides, she's taken, dude. Sorry." Kai snorts as he watches Yeonjun's smile fade. "You would have never had the chance."

"You're mean."

"I'm mean, or you just have really high, unrealistic expectations?" The rest of their friends laugh as they follow Kai over to you.

"Hey!" You smile at all his friends.

"Hiiiiii Y/N." They all say in unison, some waving in awe, while the others shyly dug their hands into their pockets. "Birthday boy, you all good to go? Got some good Loco Moco waiting for you."

"Yeah, I'm good."

"Happy birthday again, Kai! Get online later!" Soobin yells out.

"Yeah, yeah." He says, waving them off as he follows you out to your car.

"You guys run through the entire arcade?" Kai laughs.

"Pretty much." He sinks into his seat, legs damn near touching the glove compartment with how long he is. "I'm honestly so excited for Loco Moco. It's been years!"

"It has not been that long." You laughed.

"You're right, it's been months." Kai looks out the window. "Wait, you're passing the road to get to our go-to shop though?"

"Cause I found a better place."

"How is there a better place when that one was already supreme?!"

"Hey, trust me on this okay?" You laugh. Kai starts telling you about his day and how so many people he knew from school had been messaging him happy birthday. He truly looked his happiest today and it was all you could ask for. Though at the same time, your heart slightly sank at the fact that he'd be going off to uni soon and staying at the dorms. He was just growing up way too fast, and you wanted to spend as much time as you could with him now before he was too occupied being a college boy.

You slipped yourself past Jungkook's security, parking in the one guest spot they have in the garage that's closest to the elevator. Kai doesn't really question it and hops out anyway, his hands in his pockets as he follows you into the elevator and onto Jungkook's floor.

"You ready, kid?"

"Is this some like, Michelin Star Loco Moco restaurant?"

"Ah, I guess you could say that." You knocked on the door, hearing music playing in the background. Jungkook opens the door and Kai's eyes widen.

"Oh shit, that's Jungkook?" Kook laughs and steps aside to let you both in. "Sis why—what—how come you didn't tell me we were seeing your boyfriend? I look like a mess!" He says lowly.

"You don't!"

"Hey Kai! Happy Birthday!" Jungkook says smiling, making Kai actually blush. He's cheeks are tinted with a rosy color and he suddenly gets all shy.

"Thanks."

"Your brother's tall." Jungkook looks at him up and down.

"Looking at an 18 year old 6 footer."

"Must be nice."

"Go sit." Kai silently nods as he sits awkwardly on Kook's couch, while you go and check in on him in the kitchen.

"Is he always that shy?"

"No. Just with you, apparently. He's not even that shy around girls." You chuckle as he places a quick kiss on your head. "Need my help?" You still ask even though the plates are neatly prepared already.

"Not really." He smiles down at you. "You hungry though?"

"Starving, actually." Your eyes light up at the plates. "Ouuuuuu, yum."

"Honestly, I think this batch might be better than my first."

"Still honored to be your guinea pig." You carry a plate over to Jungkook's coffee table in the living room.

"Oh shit, that looks amazing." Kai says, slipping himself down from the couch to the floor so he could get a good whiff of the plate. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Jungkook hands you the remote before walking into his room. "Pick something."

"Here, birthday boy. Help me choose."

"Let's watch Soul on Disney+." At this point, Jungkook comes out of his room with a wrapped present, his eyes locked on the TV.

"Ooh, I keep seeing this everywhere! Niceeeee." Jungkook says, smiling with Kai nodding and already digging into his plate. "By the way, this is for you." You shoot him a look as he sits on the floor by you, watching as Kai unwraps the present. Kai's eyes light up as he sees a shoebox underneath the wrapping, quickly flipping the lid open to reveal those blue Air Jordans he wanted.

"Kook?!" You say lowly, making him smile at you and gently pinch your side.

"Holy shit!" He holds out a shoe, only for him to immediately shake his head and close the box again. "Jungkook, I can't take this." Kai says.

"No, it's your birthday."

"Yeah, but isn't this expensive? You've already done so much for me and my sister, I-I don't want to—"

"Kai, it's cool. If it's one thing you can do to repay me, it's to take my present." You literally want to cry at how sweet Jungkook is being with your brother. He had been good to you, no doubt, but this was one thing you didn't expect from him at all. Quite frankly, you had forgotten you mentioned the shoes to him. The fact that he actually remembered and kept his word.

"Okay." Kai says, gently setting the box down aside before looking at Jungkook with a small smile on his face. "Thank you. I really appreciate it. Like, even with the food and everything. It means a lot to me."

"You're welcome." You give him a soft smile before digging into your food while Soul was already off to a start. Kai and Jungkook devour their food together, with you following shortly behind as Jungkook brings over a small ice cream cake from his fridge for Kai to blow his candles on. After the boys had helped themselves to a good serving of the cake, they started getting hyper and pulled up Smash Bros on Kook's Nintendo Switch [as if Kai hadn't played enough games today]. It started to get intense; the boys jumping and yelling everywhere, bouncing off of the walls, with you getting pulled into the competition every now and then. Even though you knew you'd lost over and over again, you happily joined in anyway, seeing how excited your brother was - plus, it was always a bonus to hear Jungkook's loudly obnoxious, nerdy laugh.

"I WIN!"

"Hey, hey, hey. I let you win because it's your birthday." Jungkook said, making Kai laugh as he crashed to the floor.

"Sure." Kai huffed and puffed. "Crap, I'm tired. What time is it?"

"Almost midnight. We should start heading out, bubba." You patted Kai's chest gently.

"What? No, it's late. Why don't you two just stay here?" You suddenly remembered you've had Kai's shit in your trunk since you dropped him off at Yeonjun's this morning. You didn't have any change of clothes, but that could easily be fixed with Jungkook's closet.

"Only if the queen wants, she's driving."

"It's late, baby." Jungkook says to you softly. "No way I'm letting you two head out there."

"Okay." You give him a small smile before handing your keys. "Can you do me a favor?" He chuckles.

"What is it?"

"Kai's duffle bag is in my trunk." He nods and takes your keys.

"I got it. Kai, you can take the guest room or my office room." Jungkook says with his 3-bedroom apartment having ass. "I have my computer in my office room though, and a pull out bed. I don't know how comfy you'll be."

"It's cool, I'll just take your guest room. I always bring my laptop and switch whenever I sleep at my sister's." Kai says getting up. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Jungkook says, toothlessly smiling at the both of you, completely endeared at how alike you two were - even down to the fact that you both said thank you for every little thing. If this was a result of Kai being close to you and having you as pretty much his mother figure, then Jungkook wouldn't know what to do with his feelings. He felt butterflies every time he thought about how cute and sweet you were, and he was always excited to be around you.

Jungkook does a quick jog to your car, grabbing Kai's Nike duffle from your trunk before jogging back to the elevator and back to his apartment. He walks in to see Kai helping you clean up the remaining dishes in the sink, tidying the rest of the things in his kitchen.

"Thank you." Jungkook says himself, a little unfamiliar with saying such a thing to be completely honest.

"You're welcome." You say softly, wiping your hands on his hand towel. "Off to bed, or are you gonna go online with your friends?"

"I'll see what they're up to, but I'm pretty beat. Today was fun." Kai smiles at the both of you. "I really appreciate it." You ruffle his hair a bit before gently pushing him towards his bedroom for the night.

"Bathroom's right over there, help yourself to anything you need."

"Don't stay up too late."

"Only if you aren't too loud." You gasp while Jungkook laughs out loud.

"Kai!"

"Hey, I'm just being honest. Please remember that I'm right in this room."

"Oh my god, go to bed." You shove him inside the room and shut his door. "Don't even say a word." You look at Jungkook shyly as you hurriedly brush past him to get into his room - even though Jungkook is literally right behind you with those long ass legs of his, making every stride so much easier for him to catch up to you.

"What's your outfit of choice tonight, pretty lady?" He shuts his door behind him as you start to make your way into his closet.

"Hm, I'll just wear this plain black--" You unfold it. "Balenciaga? Okay, I definitely can't just wear this to sleep."

"Why not?"

"Because this is like, name brand and everything."

"So?" He shrugs. "Just wear it, babygirl. It's not gonna make much of a difference, you're wearing it either way." You do a slight pout before you start to slip out of your clothes to get into his shirt. You make his way to his bathroom to take a little tinkle when you notice another toothbrush sitting next to his. A pink toothbrush, next to his blue one.

"Why do you have two toothbrushes?" You wash your hands as he comes in to the bathroom to start getting ready for bed.

"That's yours." Your eyes light up at his statement.

"Mine?"

"I figured since you'd be over more, it'd be easier for you." He furrows his brows lightly. "Unless.. you didn't want--" You press a kiss against his lips, his hands resting on your arms to keep you close.

"No, I did want that. Thank you."

"Of course, baby." He pecks your forehead.

"By the way, way to make me look like such a bad sister!" You say as you start getting your toothbrush ready.

"Why? The shoes?"

"The shoes, the Loco Moco, the games, the ice cream cake." You laughed. "I literally got him a video game and some money."

"I mean, he is turning 18. I wanted to help make it as memorable as possible."

"I appreciate you a lot. Really."

"I appreciate you too." Your eyes widen as you brush your teeth.

"Waaaaow, say thaht wun mohr tiyme." You say, pulling a Jungkook while brushing your teeth.

"Eye apprushiate yoh toh." You giggle. The both of you finish getting ready for bed before slipping into his warm sheets. Jungkook never goes to sleep early, however, he makes sure all the lights are off and that the show he's watching isn't too loud. You have no idea what's going on in his show, but you lay on his chest to watch for a little bit until you feel yourself getting a little more sleepy. He's holding you close, his hand brushing through your hair softly, causing tingles to ripple through your body.

"Kook."

"Yes, baby?"

"You make me happy." You say sleepily as you hung him tighter. He smiles down at you, your eyes now shut close as you slowly start to drift into a deep sleep. He presses a light kiss against your head, fingers still in your hair.

"You make me happy too, sweetheart."

#bts #bts fanfiction #jeon jungkook #jungkook #kook #jeongguk #bts jeon jungkook #bts jeon jungkook fanfic #bts jungkook #bts au #bts au fic #bts imagines #jungkook x reader #jeon jungkook x reader #jjk x reader #bts jungkook x reader #bts fluff #bts angst #bts smut #jeon jungkook fluff #jeon jungkook angst #jeon jungkook smut #jjk angst #jjk fluff #jjk smut #jungkook angst #jungkook smut #jungkook fluff #jeon jungkook series #writing

[msephy]

Upbringing chap 10/13

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9

Cross-posted to AO3

Earth 53 - Jason Todd

This region of the Himalaya outside of Lhasa, Tibet, hadn’t changed much compared to Jason’s memories, that’s to say, it wasn’t very different from what it looked like in his world. It wasn’t that surprising. After all, the mountains dated from long before the moment when their world diverged and not much could leave its trace on them.

Was it even how it worked? Possibly not. He didn’t know that much about the multiverse.

“Are you sure this is the way?” Bruce asked for the tenth time.

Or the hundredth, if you counted all the times he’d asked before they’d landed the plane. The mountain surrounded them, the trail bumpy, icy, and generally dangerous. They’d had one other signal from Talia, four hours ago, that had thankfully confirmed the accuracy of their direction but, still; they might in fact ben pushing to another hideout. Who knew how many Ra’s had.

“You can see the tracks in the snow ahead of us, can’t you?” Jason answered, annoyed. Also, trying to drive the damn bat-luge or whatever the name of this thing was. “Anyway, we’re late. They are about, what, twelve hours ahead?”

“Those aren’t tracks. Those would show over the snow. Those impressions are hidden underneath…”

“Sure, sure. Who cares. Nobody lives around here, except ninjas.”

“Ninjas are Japanese,” Bruce corrected automatically.

Jason swallowed back a snapping answer. Bruce was real talkative, also real nervous. The last snowfall, the one that had covered the depressions, had indeed fallen half a day earlier. They were late. And there were only a couple of hours left before dark.

Damnit.

As he thought about that, they finally reached a pike that their bat-snow-mobile wouldn’t be able to climb. Jason stopped the motor then, bracing himself for the cold, opened the door. They wore special armor but it was still fucking freezing.

And they were on their own, against the League of Shadows. There was no reaching for Dick from here, not that the kid would have been able to help much, from back in Gotham.

“Those dents,” Bruce thought out loud. “Old tracks made by a snow leopard, probably moving to a higher ground in search of food.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Just, let’s, alright?” And let’s hope the opening he knew about would exist here. And that Damian would be there. And that they’d manage to fight off the fucking ninjas.

They moved silently. Then they had to throw a line to move up the pike, when it became too vertical to be climbed, which accelerated things a bit. Once they reached the top, Jason grabbed the edge to pull himself up – and had to let go with a squeal as someone tried to stab him.

Jason had dropped the line but got out a knife and stabbed it into the rock, once, twice, until it found a weakness and got it. The shock almost dislocated his shoulder. Shit.

He could hear fighting noise, way up. Bruce hadn’t even tried to catch him. Was it trust in his abilities or him not giving a crap? Bit of both, most likely. And, damn, Jason was hanging by a knife he wasn’t going to get back. How was he going to climb back up now?

Then he noticed the line, still dangling there. Aaalright. He extended an arm, slowly, and – yes, he could reach it. He tested it but nobody had cut it just yet. They sounded too busy to have checked that he hadn’t fallen to his death, so he was going to trust nobody was going to cut it just yet.

It was much slower to do this by hand. When he reached the edge again, he couldn’t hear a sound anymore. Though if those had been assassins, he had faith in Bruce beating the hell out of them. Still, Jason didn’t want to take chances.

He launched himself up, rolling in the snow, his knives ready. He ended up right next to an assassin and didn’t hesitate, stabbing him in the shoulder from behind. Another tried to jump at him, giving some air to Bruce. Good.

Jason tackled him before he could reach him, punching him in the gut. The idiot had been staring at his blade. Jason threw it on a third to distract him; Bruce had two others on him still. The man faced Jason, grim.

Jason grinned. Then ran, plunging forward – and went entirely past the assassin, moving on the one who was on Bruce instead. Bruce turned, throwing another batarang to the one who’d faced Jason and, just like that, they were done.

Seven assassins down. Jason sheathed his remaining knife. Fuck, that had felt good.

“They’re still guarding the entrance,” Jason said.

“Which mean Ra’s might not be done yet,” Bruce completed.

Then he smiled at him. Fuck, that was weird. Yet Jason couldn’t help but to smile back.

“Let’s go get some demons’ heads.”

Bruce rolled his eyes. “There is only one…”

“I know, Jesus. Come on. It’s this way.”

This whole thing had slowed them down and now they were starting to lose visibility, fast. Thankfully, they were almost there. The entrance Jason knew of was a passage hidden in the ice and it was literally invisible. Even knowing it was there, it would be hard to find.

They finally reached the glacier and Jason put his gloved hands on the ice, searching.

“There is an optical illusion,” Jason explained. “The ice was deliberately cut that way, so it would look like a solid wall when it’s not. That’s what makes it hard to… Bruce?”

He looked around. No one. Panic gripped his gut. He had not left him there, had he?

“Over here,” Bruce’s voice called. “Hurry up.”

Jason closed his eyes and followed the noise and breathed in when he finally found the ice corridor. Bruce started to walk, briskly, as soon as Jason appeared. Jason followed, cursing.

“How the fuck did you do that?”

“Echo-location. Now hush. There will be more guards.”

And, of course, as he said that, they reached a big opened cave where about a hundreds of leagues were looking at a platform cut in the rock, where Ra’s was standing with a pale-looking Damian. The kid perked up as soon as he saw them.

“Father!”

“Detective,” Ra’s stated.

He looked terrible, his skin parched and tightened on his cheek, giving him corpse-looking features. His skull was almost bare, with only a few gray hairs remaining. Yet he stood as proud as ever in his green and gold regalia.

The assassins parted before him as Ra’s approached them. They didn’t attack, clearly having been told not to. Two of them stayed on each side of Damian’s. Jason noticed Talia, also surrounded by guards. She was kneeling a few paces away from her son, her arms bound behind her back. She was looking at him intently.

“Here we are again, face to face,” Ra’s said. Then, in this absurd way of his, he threw them each a katana, that Bruce and Jason both caught. Knowing the bastard, they were well sharpened, too.

Bruce didn’t waste time, lounging to attack. “But this will be the last time.”

Unfortunately for him, Ra’s was a much better fencer, even in this diminished state. Bruce was good, but he was still too young to face the Demon’s Head. What he could do, though, was distracting him while Jason walked toward Damian.

The leaguers let him pass, apparently surprised of how uninterested he seemed to be by the duel between Bruce and Ra’s. They had to think he was Jason Wayne despite the age difference; most of them wouldn’t know him well enough to realize.

They did stop him when he reached the platform where Damian and Talia were kept.

That’s when the metallic sound of a sword clattering on the rocky ground echoed in the cave. Jason didn’t have to turn to know it was Bruce’s: he could see as much in the assassins’ smug smiles all around him.

Jason smiled back, which seemed to surprise them. Then he jumped over the heads of the few who tried to bar his way, letting the katana go to unsheathe his guns, and started firing.

He didn’t actually touch anyone but they all rolled away by reflex. Reaching the platform, he threw one of his knives toward Talia, who’d taken advantage of the distraction to get rid of her guards. She cut away her bonds and ran toward Damian while Jason prevented anyone from getting close.

“You’re not my Jason,” Talia stated when they joined him.

“Nope, indeed. Hi, brat.”

“What are you doing here, Todd?” Damian asked in that belligerent tone of his.

“Saving your life. Thanks for the trail, by the way.”

“You’re very welcome,” Talia answered, nonplussed. She was frowning. Wondering where her Jason was, maybe.

“I meant, go help my father!” Damian demanded.

Right. Bruce had lost his sword again, and was surrounded by assassins. Apparently, Ra’s had decided to stop playing.

“Tell me you have an escape plan,” Talia whispered.

“Run very fast?” Jason murmured back.

He could throw a smoke bomb but the leaguers were used to those artifices as much as they were, and wouldn’t get distracted. Yet he had to get Damian out of there. Bruce would manage, if the kid was out of harm’s way.

And he had to act fact, before Bruce did something stupid.

“Let them go, Ra’s,” Bruce said in perfect timing. “You need a host body, take mine.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake…” Jason aimed. The assassins around him tensed. Ra’s didn’t seem to worry much.

“I know your code, Jason. Even with your brother’s life on the line, you wouldn’t hurt me enough to stop me.”

Jason laugh had a manic edge, one he knew well but which made Ra’s frown. Bruce was livid, beneath the cowl.

“Jason. Don’t.”

“Ah, Ra’s, I’m sorry to tell you, but that one, he’s not my brother.” Jason smirked. “And I really, really don’t care about his code.”

And he fired.

###

Earth 53 – Jason Wayne

In retrospective, showing up in the Justice League’s headquarters unannounced though a purple portal had maybe not been Jason’s brightest idea. He wore the same unmarked gear as Bruce, with black, generic mask; nothing to inform them by sight of his own appurtenance to the League, even if he had been a member.

Batman was, of course. But not his shadow.

“Call the goddamn Cave, you have a line,” Jason argued for the sixth time. “Robin will be there, he can confirm my identity.”

“Robin isn’t part of the Justice League, and even he can be fooled,” Orion answered calmly, in a tone that said he wasn’t going to take a kid’s word on this.

“Then call Kal El,” Jason growled, aggravated. “He’ll vouch for me, and I vouch for him,” he added, waving toward Bruce.

The other-world Batman was waiting, patiently, but tense. Of course, he wouldn’t like being surrounded by semi-hostile meta-humans. Jason kind of agreed with him.

“Once again…”

“I’m here, Batman,” Kal said, walking into the room. “I heard you arguing from afar.”

Jason relaxed, relieved. Had Kal been worried about him? Bruce certainly wouldn’t have asked to keep an ear out, but Dick might have.

“His voice records don’t match,” protested Orion. “The protocols…”

“There is more to Batman than you know,” Kal interrupted. “But I agree, we should add his voice to the database.”

“The hell you are,” Jason snorted. “Can we go? I need to get to the Cave and talk with, you know, Robin.”

Kal would know he meant Bruce. Kal nodded and started walking with them toward the exit, trying not to glance at Bruce too often.

“He contacted us a few days ago in order to start researching about the multiverse. We found a contact out-world who might have been able to help, but apparently he was called away in a rush.”

Jason felt himself pale. Had something happened to Bruce? To Dick? God forbid, to Damian?

“Do you want a lift?” Kal asked in a lower tone. “Gotham city isn’t that far, but…”

Jason glanced back at Bruce. The older man didn’t say anything for a couple of seconds, lips pinched, but then finally nodded.

“Thank you, Kal,” Jason said. “I’ll owe you one.”

“No problem.”

They departed in a rush of wind, Jason grabbing Kal’s neck from behind while Bruce sat very rigidly in Kal’s arms. In any other circumstances, Jason might have laughed. His brother would have been mad enough at the indignity, he didn’t imagine what his Bruce was thinking.

In any case, he did understand how worried Jason was. With a family like his, all vigilantes putting their lives on the line…

They arrived at the Cave in minutes. As they stopped, they were met by Dick, who jumped from the computer seat with the exuberant squeal of “Jason!” before suddenly freezing. “It is you, isn’t it?” he asked, suspicious.

Jason grinned, so, so relieved to see him. “It is. Come and greet me properly?”

The teenager jumped in his opened arms, laughing with relief. “You’re here! I’m so glad. The other Jason is a moron!”

“So, he was here? Where is he? Ah, wait.” Jason looked at Kal over Dick’s head. “Thank you, Kal. I think we’ll handle it from there.”

“Are you sure?”

“You know better than to ask that. Thank you for the lift, and for the research about the multiverse.”

“We’ll talk about this later. Don’t hesitate to call if needed.”

And, with a rush of red wind, he was gone. Jason hugged Dick once more, relieved beyond words to see his nephew again. Then he sighed.

“So, Bruce? Damian?”

Dick’s face fall. “A lot happened. Damian was taken.”

“Tell me. But first, call Alfred, and please warn him that we have a visitor. This is Bruce from the world I ended up in. I assume it’s the Bruce from your Jason. Jason Todd, right?”

“Something like that. He was much younger though, why is this Bruce older.”

“He isn’t my brother,” Jason explained. “Come on, go warn Alfred. I don’t want him to have a heart attack if he sees an old Bruce going around like this.”

Dick nodded then rushed upstairs. Jason removed his mask and gloves and turned on the kettle to make some tea. He’d installed one in the Cave a way back, persuading Alfred to go sleep at a decent hour instead of waiting for either him or his brother. They could take care of each other.

“I’d show you around,” he told Bruce, “but you’ll recognize the layout. There are only minor differences and, of course, a technological gap. Nothing too bad, though. I’ll add you to the computer so you won’t have to hack into it.”

“Not the best security protocol.”

Jason snorted. “I’ve lived in your house for several days, Bruce. I met your kids. I would have noticed if you were all supervillains. Damian isn’t good at pretense.”

He felt worry churning at his belly, but five minutes wouldn’t change the situation. Jesus, Damian. Who had taken him? It had to be Ra’s, which was bad news. If they went after him, Bruce and the other Jason could be anywhere.

Dick came back, followed by Alfred. They’d apparently taken the time to go to the kitchen first, because the old butler was carrying a plate of fruits and biscuits. “Master Jason. Glad to see you back home. And this mister would be another Bruce Wayne, from what I her?”

“Yes, the adoptive father of the Jason who was apparently your guest.”

“That young man’s upbringing appears to have been quite peculiar.”

Bruce actually winced at that. Jason snorted. “So I gathered. Thank you, Alfred. I don’t think Bruce will stay with us for long, he’s just here to retrieve Jason then head back home, but…”

“Life does tend to have its own ways,” Alfred agreed. “I’ll prepare a room upstairs.”

Jason put the tea to infuse, preparing the cups for later. He stole a biscuit then proposed them to Bruce, who accepted one, stiff. Dick was still staring at him.

“Dick,” Jason sighed. “Please behave.”

“But it’s Bruce, only older! Do you have a Robin too?”

Bruce hesitated at that. “I adopted someone called Dick Grayson, too, yes. He isn’t Robin anymore, though. He preferred to become his own hero.”

“Awesome,” Dick sighed.

“Tell us about what happened.”

Dick straightened, a bit pale. “I don’t think it has anything to do with Jason Todd, except the fact that Damian left the manor because he was mad at being beaten. Your son is not very nice,” he added, talking to Bruce, who nodded. “Anyway, when we realized we went to look for him, but, nothing. Then we found out the League of Shadows was in town! And Jason Todd said that Ra’s might want Damian’s body?”

Jason paled. “His body? Talia would never let him.”

“I don’t think she had a choice,” Dick continued. “We realized they were there because I spotted her on camera. Then after they left, I mean, Bruce and Jason Todd, well, she managed to send a signal so they could track them. But now, I lost contact. They were in the Himalayas and told me it would happen, but…”

Jason put a hand on his shoulder. “Thank you, Dick. And don’t worry. The mountains make it hard for a signal to reach, so it is normal.”

Dick nodded. No wonder he’d been relieved to see them. Left alone in the Cave like that… Maybe the other Bruce had had a point, having so many kids, even though it put them in danger. At least, they all relied on each other. They’d all come to the manor when Jason had arrived, to check on Bruce, to make sure he wasn’t a threat.

Jaso had always refrain from adopting any of the kids he took care of, at the foundation, because putting Dick in danger was already too much. Maybe he should think about this from another perspective.

“Do you have the path they followed?” Bruce asked.

Dick jumped back into the computer’s seat. “Yes, of course. I’ve tracked them down the whole way, until the signal was lost.” He opened a map. “The Batplan is there, you see? It hasn’t left. And they took the Batluge through this pass. I don’t know what happened next. I lost them around here but the signal had been patchy for a while.”

“I see,” Bruce said.

“Do you know where they are?”

“They might have gone to the same place I went to when it happened in our world. I was with Talia, though, not with your double. And it happened much later.”

Jason bit his lip. It was hours away. There was no point rushing there to intervene. Bruce seemed to think the same thing, because he thanked Dick without asking more questions.

“How did you get out of there in your world?” Jason couldn’t help but ask.

“Ra’s body was deteriorating quickly. He thought stealing another’s body was the only solution, but he wasn’t happy about it. I suggested an alternative.”

“Which would be?”

“To guide him to Nanda Parbat, a mythical city where the most pure of the Lazarus pit can be found. It would restore his body without him having to steal another.”

Jason nodded. Sounded like something that would work on Ra’s. However, his Bruce didn’t know about this place. What was he going to do?

But he had the other Jason, and possibly Talia, and Damian, despite his young age. They were going to make it. They had to. Right?

Right?

###

Notes

A lot of what is going on here follows the storyline of “The resurrection of Ra’s al Ghul” which includes Batman #670-671, Robin #168-169, Nightwing #138-139 & Detective Comics #838-840. I mostly took things from Detective comics #838, including some of the dialogs. I’m aware this doesn’t follow the timeline properly, but hey, it’s another world.

Reblogs, likes and comments are very welcome :)

#byme #upbringing #jason wayne #jason todd #bruce wayne #my fics #batfamily

[bat-losers-inc]

Collisions in the Dark (Ch 14): Post-Mortem

Pairings: Tim Drake/Jason Todd (one sided), Tim Drake & Cassandra Cain, Dick Grayson & Tim Drake, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd

Summary: The family returns home but nothing has turned out the way it was supposed to. In the wake of Tim’s ultimate decision, his relationship with Jason fractures, perhaps beyond any hope of repair.

Chapter Notes: Post Mortem: Analysis of a game after it has concluded, typically by one or both players and sometimes with spectators contributing as well.

“The heart beats, and beats, and beats. This is something you forget. He will not touch you, and you cannot see violence in this light. That is night, softened blows and knife edge turned petal. (He swears it is a flower, will always be. But you would not be here, if you thought the same.) You are unsettled by pleas from a dead boy you keep alive.

Wrap a rope around everything in your possession, are you in control, or is it meant to be tied to the bed of a truck, to be chased down the highway and run over, over, all pretense left for dead.

Are you wringing yourself dry again? Now? The day has just learnt your name, you cannot take back what was given away. Not when it is this. Stay, you are told. As if you could leave him.” — “ Home ”,  T.W

Tim blinked his eyes open. His cheek rubbed against the cool fabric of a pillow pressed up against the side of his head. He pushed up from the soft mattress he’d been laid out on, instantly regretting it as all of his aches made themselves known to him. He grimaced and looked around the room. He wasn't in the cave and he wasn't in his room.

Tim squinted at the window through the bright glare of the sun. From the low view he guessed he was in a spare room on the first floor of the manor.

The wood floors creaked and Tim turned to see Bruce standing in the doorway. He smiled when he saw Tim was awake. Tim combed out his bed head self-consciously, unsure of what to say to him after so long.

He settled for something simple, hoping Bruce would pick up the slack.

“Hey.”

Bruce didn’t disappoint.

“We thought we should move you to somewhere more comfortable than the cave, but we wanted you close to medical supplies in case something came up.”

“Did anything come up?”

Bruce’s smile waned. “No. If you were injured before, well… the Lazarus pit took care of it.”

The only thing it healed for Tim was a broken heart. He guessed that counted. The thought of Jason had Tim swinging his legs over the side of the bed.

“Is Jason—”

Bruce rushed forward to stop him with a hand to his shoulder. “He’s with Dick. Resting. You should too.”

Tim leaned back into the bedding. He got the feeling he was being confined to his room and it sure wasn’t for his own well-being. “Is there something we need to talk about?”

Bruce hesitated. After a moment he sat on the edge of the bed. When his hand rested on Tim’s knee, Tim’s gut shrank in on itself. Bruce didn’t do fatherly pats unless he was truly concerned.

“Jason’s been a bit on edge since we got back to the cave.”

“That’s understandable.”

After all, Jason had just come back from the dead. Again. Tim felt like he was crawling out of his skin, himself. He remembered the last look he’d gotten of Ra’s. His expression had been full of such fury that Tim half expected to see him looming over him when he woke up. He still couldn’t believe that he was free of him. He wasn’t naive, however, he knew it would only be a matter of time before he saw signs of the Demon Head’s presence in Gotham.

Bruce cleared his throat. “He said that he doesn’t want to see you right now.”

That… was not so understandable to Tim. He didn’t want to see him? Even though Tim was the one that he’d gone through all of that shit with? He didn’t want to see Tim, the boy that he said he loved?

Tim tried to be understanding, but that really hurt.

Tim swallowed. “Alright, I guess.”

Bruce squeezed his knee. “Just give him a few days.”

Tim rubbed at his jaw and shrugged. “Yeah, yeah. No I get it. I just thought that he’d want to talk about…” His eyes flashed uncertainly to Bruce and then back to the bedding before finishing lamely, “ things.”

“Maybe we should talk about some of those things . We’ll debrief your mission here.” said Bruce.

Tim had never wanted to bolt for the door more than he did in that moment. He knew that was juvenile, however, so instead he shifted uneasily and forced himself to ask, “Ok. What do you want to talk about?”

“Did you kill anyone while on mission?”

“No.”

Lie , he thought. He’d killed Jason. He knew it wasn’t rational to think that, that it didn’t make sense since he’d done everything in his power to keep Jason alive, but he couldn’t shake his feelings of guilt no matter how hard he tried.

He tried to focus back on Bruce’s clear voice as he asked the next question.

“Was your true identity compromised in anyway while on mission?”

He hadn’t really thought when Bruce said ‘debriefing’ he actually meant debriefing. Honestly, though… he should have known better by now.

Tim rubbed at the back of his neck and looked up at Bruce through his hair. “Are these really the questions you want to ask me right now? You literally just battled Ra’s al Ghul to save my ass and you’re… ”

Tim cut himself off with a shake of his head.

Bruce paused and sat up straighter on the bed. “Is there something you think I should be asking you?”

Tim didn’t want to start anything he wasn’t prepared to finish. And he wasn’t sure he’d hold up in any kind of argument in his current state.

Tim sighed and answered Bruce’s last question.

“No, my identity was not compromised. Jason and Ra’s already knew me as Tim Drake. I didn’t give my name to anyone else while there.”

He told himself that Nyssa al Ghul didn’t count. She was an ally and like all of the members of the Al Ghul family, she already knew his name.

“Do you feel like you participated in anything unethical while completing your mission?”

Tim closed his eyes, his brow crinkling together. He tried to keep his emotions in check, but Tim couldn’t help himself at that one. He gave a soft laugh.

Tim flashed Bruce a cynical smirk when he stared in confusion at his adopted son. “I’m not really sure how to answer that one. What qualifies as unethical, exactly, when your mission is to sleep with your enemy to gain his trust and his secrets?”

Bruce’s mouth tightened. No doubt with disapproval at Tim’s tone.

“Did you break any laws?”

Tim shrugged. “Vigilantes break the law all the time. Vigilantes sleeping with ecoterrorists break it a lot more. I think you should rephrase the question.”

“Are you angry with me for something? If I remember correctly, this mission was your idea not mine. And let me also remind you that you were the one to suggest bringing Jason into this. Not me.”

That had Tim’s words catching in his throat. He blames me for Jason’s death. He’d never say that to my face, but he’s definitely thinking it.

“Could you blame me for wanting him there? For wanting any ally on my side? If I hadn’t suggested it, you would have sent me in there alone. And that’s the problem, isn’t it? You have no understanding of what this mission was like for me. Yes, I suggested it, but really what choice did you leave me? You knew I wouldn’t stand by and let civilians die.”

“I don’t understand. You have all the training you need to run a solo mission. How is this any different?”

Tim cracked. He couldn’t believe something like this had to actually be stated.

“Because he scares me, Bruce! I shouldn’t have had to ask Jason in the first place! Not on a mission that requires me to sleep with the man that has made it his mission to dominate me. You should have cared enough about my safety to send someone in with me right after I told you my plan!”

“If you had concerns, Tim, you should have said something. I’m sorry that I didn’t pick up on how this was affecting you, but what I did, or did not do, was because I was trying to minimize any damages in the future. And my actions don’t change the fact that you involved Jason in this mission and then engaged in a relationship with him that endangered the outcome of the mission and Jason’s life.”

Tim wanted to ask him how he knew about their relationship, but then he remembered.

Dick.

Dick was with Jason. He could get anyone to open up. Tim’s eyes narrowed. “At the time, my relationship with Jason was nothing more than a one night stand. The only thing it endangered was Ra’s’ pride when he realized that I was attracted to someone younger than him.”

Bruce seemed to take a long moment to digest that information. “Tim, what happened between you and Ra’s?”

Tim fixed his eyes on the closed bedroom door. It was easier to remain expressionless if he stared at a slab of wood. “You know what happened.”

“No, I don’t. Your encounters with Ra’s al Ghul have almost always occurred in private. Where you two stood in regards to each other, I can’t know unless you tell me.”

Tim’s eyes slid to Bruce’s, his expression callous. “You’re not naive, Bruce. You know what he wanted from me and it wasn’t just a second in command.”

“Was he sexual with you?”

Tim emitted a derisive noise low in his throat but made no further attempt to answer the question.

Bruce had spent years gathering information of Ra’s. He knew the way that Ra’s thought just like Tim did. Tim wasn’t stupid enough to think Bruce hadn’t done some investigating on Ra’s’ house calls at Tim’s apartment either. There had been tampering with the code of Tim’s security system in the past. Instances where the video feeds had been accessed from outside sources after particularly dangerous patrols. Tim had suspected Oracles involvement long ago, as her own way of checking up on him from time to time. He’d just never thought she might be doing it under Bruce’s orders.  

“If you don’t want to talk to me, there are always other options. I could schedule a meeting with Leslie. That way you can open up about what happened and only the necessary information will be relayed to me—”

“I don’t want to talk about this right now.” Tim’s eyes focused on the closed door again.

“I really believe talking to her will help you deal with this, Tim. It’s important to—”

“I said I’m not talking about this now.” He pushed as much force into the words as he could, but couldn’t bring himself to look at Bruce’s face. He didn’t want to see what Bruce thought of him in that moment. Did he think Tim was damaged goods? Was he wondering if he should allow him back into the field after this?

Bruce paused and Tim could see his nod out of the corner of his eye. “Okay, whenever you’re ready. Just try to rest for now.”

Tim did rest. He slept for long hours and unconsciousness was almost enough of a distraction to keep his thoughts off of Jason and Ra’s. Thoughts about both men were painful to him with questions full of ‘what ifs’ and ‘whys’ filling his head to the point of breaking.

It took two days for Tim to work up the energy to venture out of the room, the thought of speaking to his family members too exhausting for him to contemplate. The only person Tim really wanted to talk to was Jason. It seemed like after spending so much time under Ra’s’ scrutiny, they’d learned to convey their feelings without words. Through the small things, like the way their hands brushes together or the twitch of Jason jaw when he got angry… Tim felt like he could read Jason so clearly at this point, without anything needing to be said. But most of all, Jason was someone he didn’t have to explain himself to. And Tim had a feeling Bruce had been just a teaser for what was to come. Dick was sure to bombard him with question and concern for his well-being. He’d come to check in on Tim the other day, but Tim had feinted sleep until he left. He knew it was cruel, but so was Dick reporting on Tim and Jason’s private lives back to Bruce. He had no right disclosing that information.

In truth, the experience hadn’t been as bad as Tim had thought it would be. No one seemed to be in a talkative mood. Bruce and Damian had been working longer patrols since Tim and Jason had gone undercover, getting in late and sleeping even later. Dick was busy checking in on everyone, as was Alfred, though that was nothing new.

Tim entered the kitchen and was surprised to see Cass sitting on one of the bar stools. A box of cereal and a carton of milk sat on the counter next to her. When Tim came to a stop at the threshold, she glanced up at him and slowly placed her spoon down.

Tim stared at her, unsure if he needed to say something to her to explain his presence here. She’d been out of the country when he and Jason had gone on mission, but he had no doubt that she’d been kept in the loop incase her assistance was needed.

How much did she know, though? Cass was perceptive. Had she filled in the gaps?

Tim’s fingers fidgeted at his sides, his eyes breaking contact with hers.

After a long moment, Cass slid off of the stool and retrieved another cereal bowl and spoon. She placed them across of her on the counter and picked up her own spoon, eyes focused on the contents of her bowl.  

Tim opened his mouth and closed it a second later, kicking himself for his awkwardness. He shook his head once, trying to cast it off of him and sat himself down across from Cass. Tim dumped cereal and milk into the bowl and started to eat.

Tim breathed slowly with his eyes closed, allowing tension he hadn’t realized he’d been holding leave his body. He opened his eyes again and stared at the spoon in his hand, small cereal pieces floating in off white milk.

He placed the spoon down at looked at Cass who’d gone back to reading the Gotham Gazette, lying spread out on the countertop next to her bowl.

As if sensing his eyes on her, she glanced up at Tim through her bangs.

Tim’s mouth pinched into the closest thing to a smile that he could manage at the time.

“Thank you,” he said.

Cass’s eyes softened, crinkling at the corners, but she maintained the quiet silence that had existed before Tim broke it with his two words.

They both went back to their previous tasks and Tim relaxed fully into the silence. He wrapped himself in it, realizing with relief that he would not need to search for words with Cass. Not today. Not until he was ready.

Three days later, Dick came to confess what he’d done to Tim. Tim would have loved to have gotten Jason’s opinion on the matter, but he’d knocked on Jason’s door multiple times without answer. Tim never tried to enter the room on his own, too afraid he’d find the door locked. He couldn’t deal with such an outright statement at the moment. Better to keep up hope even though Jason had not come to see him since he’d woken five days ago.

Now Dick was leaning against Tim’s closed door like he needed it to keep himself upright, spilling his heart out to him.

Tim pulled his knees to his chest under the blankets as he listened and wrapped his arms around them.

“You told Bruce about me and Jason.” He whispered, staring at him. “You told him that I killed him.”

Dick held up a hand. “No, Tim. I would never ever say something like that. I just told him what Jason told me, that you two had slept together. I told him that Jason’s off-book actions at the U.N. building were only because he wanted to protect you. I was just filling in the gaps in your motives.”

Tim’s eyes were wet, his voice raw. “What you told him was that I placed my feelings above the mission. You told him that I failed.”

“Stop it!” Dick snapped, striding across the room. He gripped Tim by his arms and shook him. His eyes were beseeching. “You didn’t fail, do you hear me? You’re allowed to have feelings. You’re allowed to make mistakes. I won’t sit by and watch him do to you what he did to Jason all those years ago. I’m happy that you and Jason got together. I’m happy that you both found comfort in each other.”

Tim shook his head, his eyes watering freely now. “My feelings for him put a target on his back. It feels like I killed him with my own hands.”

Dick pulled him close, pressing his face into his shoulder. He didn’t seem to care in the least that Tim was getting tears and snot on his shirt. His hand stroked the back of Tim’s head. “Listen to me, okay? You didn’t kill anyone. Sometimes people just die, no matter what you do. Jason just died. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.”

Tim gripped Dick’s shirt tightly in his fists. “I can’t blame Ra’s for everything bad that happened. I was a part of it. I’m just as culpable—”

Dick stroked his head and shushed him until Tim fell silent.

“The important thing is you brought him back to us. Alive.” said Dick. “You have to know how much that means to us.”

Tim pressed his forehead to Dick’s chest.

“I know, I do… I just get the feeling that Jason doesn’t want to be back. And I’m the only one he can blame for that. That I know.”

When Tim pulled back enough to look Dick in the eyes, he could see that Dick felt it too.

Tim had brought back a boy more dead than alive.

#collisions in the dark #bat-losers-inc #LittleDarlingXOX #Jason Todd/Tim Drake #Jason Todd #Tim Drake #cassandra cain #dick grayson #bruce wayne #batman #bruce wayne & tim drake #tim drake & dick grayson #tim drake & cassandra cain #batman fic

[xtremedespair3d]

HajiKo Anime: Summer 2020

Previously I made a post where I talked about my first impressions of the Summer anime I’ve watched, now that the Fall season is getting closer, now it’s finally the time to give my final impressions of everything I watched this season.

(I wanted to make a custom thumbnail for this post like I did with the previous one but I gave up with the idea afterwards)

(Also, I had some of this post in draft for a while but on September 29th, I spent HOURS and I WROTE a lot of good shit before and for some god forsaken reason Firefox decided to crash. Everything I had written before is gone and I have not even saved at all since, I’m so god damn salty. Now you will never experience what have I written before and all I wrote now are just bare remains from what I last remember writing, I was so god damn salty but in the end the rewrite worked out well, I did the best I could to rewrite some of the same things I said before and I did some little changes and added new things so I was satisfied, I hope you can still enjoy the post.)

As usual, here’s the tier of everything I watched this season:

(Higher resolution)

By the way, as of 2021 I think I might make only ONE tier for every anime I’m gonna watch that entire year, as I publish my first tier of the Winter season, I’ll be adding more visuals of the Spring anime and so on, even if I might get lost in finding the visuals as I edit my template, this is because I’ve been constantly making way too many standalone tiers for a single season FOR A YEAR, I bet I’ve must have been taking a lot of the website’s space for something very small and irrelevant.

TierMaker should have better options on whether the tiers your making are public or not, and I read the terms of services conditions, I’m kind of scared on what to do next with using TierMaker for doing these kinds of tiers, I can’t just find a random blank template and use GIMP.

Uzaki-chan: Aside from simply saying “This was a very good show, I had plenty of laughs” or something, the main thing I want to talk about isn’t so much in the show itself, but rather how Uzaki-chan herself, Hana Uzaki, has become a target of SJWs in one of the worst anime controversies ever, even worse than Goblin Slayer.

As for the series itself, I really liked it, I had plenty of good laughs and it was just fun to watch, and I’m really happy that season 2 is happening now too.

Fire Force: There is something about the feel of the show, these awkward long slow moments and stuff and everything else kinda drives me insane, but until the second half of the first season with the Adolla Burst and stuff, that’s where now I’m getting very intrigued in the plot, the worldbuilding, everything, and this season continues to expand the story and it gets even more interesting, and the animation can be really nice too.

Re:Zero season 2: Echidna is best girl, that’s it, that’s the review.

All jokes aside, I’m liking this season so far, it gets somewhat confusing but I’ll figure that out, and it’s strange that we’re only having the first half of the season this Summer and we will have to wait all the way to Winter 2021 for the series to continue, it’s a very Ufotable thing to do and hell, even Magia Record is still in production as of now.

Oregairu season 3: Let me give you a little bit of a retrospect: I honestly vaguely remember what even happened in the first two seasons, as I started watching this season, I started to remember at least one key moment from season 2 and even the characters, which I kinda feel like I like most characters, except Irohas is my least favorite, maybe Komachi too when she constantly says “kimochiwarui” but she’s not extremely annoying like Irohas. I still think how these last two seasons are visually impressive in contrast to the first season, that one’s painful to watch, the voice acting is particularly interesting too.

Now that the series is over, let me give my overall thoughts on the Oregairu series as a whole. The series overall isn’t a series I wouldn’t consider be a huge part of my life, I’m not hugely impressed with it but there are things I liked and I would still talk that I had seen the series, it’s kinda something.

Donkyuu Hentai HxEROS: This one’s the most conflicting ecchi series I’ve ever watched in my life. On the first episode, I was into it at first, but then I started to feel lukewarm about it, but then episode 5 was the one episode I got genuinely the most impressed, and the next few episodes have started to degrade on me, it was a complete 50/50 of a series to watch.

My biggest problem of the series is Kirara, her writing and just her overal existence, she’s the most painfully unlikeable main ecchi heroines I’ve ever seen in my entire life. On one hand, she looks cute, but boy, I fucking hate her so much, I can’t stand for how she is at all, I absolutely prefer her young lowkey pervert self from the flashbacks, she might even be the worst girl ever. If there’s any best girl in this series, it’d probably be the other HxERO girls like the Saitama branch teammates, the girls from the Toyko branch and even Chacha (And the shota (?) from the Toyko branch is best boy). The flashbacks are especially sad, it really hurts me how Enjo and Kirara’s happiness got taken away so god damn bad.

As someone who’s completely spoiled with full blown hentai instead of ecchi nowadays, I usually prefer girls written as perverts or something, someone who can be okay with what the MC does and what not, anyway, the other HxERO girls seem to be absolutely fine with doing the H-Energy and stuff, but Kirara is so intolerable to watch. Even Chacha and Dark Kirara (A hallucination reflecting Kirara’s young self dressed in a iliy outfit) encourage Kirara to be more honest with her feelings about Retto and try to bring her to her old self.

(I really hope this doesn’t sound sexist)

The animation was decent, the visuals looked nice but there are times the animation can be a little off, especially episode 11 which was awful, then there’s also the annoying censorship even the AT-X broadcast didn’t help, and by the way, the “H-Energy” version that comes out a week after the original episode premiere was not worth it at all, it only decensors some irrelevant parts, the steam and such, it doesn’t even decensor the boobs, thankfully the Blu-Rays are here to save the day.

I judge Kirara a lot which is my deal breaker with the series, but what about the story or the concept even? The concept of the story, the themes and everything seems okay, nothing really special about it that kinda makes up for the series being decent.

This isn’t the worst ecchi series I’ve seen in my life, but certainly the most mediocre, one that I felt it was truly frustrating to watch and I’m not even sure if I should make rank this as C or even D which I ended up on the former for the pros being the visuals and the concept being okay. Take me back to Winter 2020 with Ishuzoku Reviewers. Maybe I should have watched Peter Grill this season instead.

Honorable mentions:

BanG Dream Garupa Pico Ohmori: I gotta be real about the Garupa Pico series overall now, not just with Ohmori but with the first season as well.

To be brutally honest, I don’t really find humor in this series as much, though in some cases there are episodes that did make me laugh, I mean, the series is still entertaining to watch as it is but at the same time I’m not really impressed, it isn’t much of a constant laughing stock series as I wanted it to be, and never has been even with the first season to begin with.

Before the series came out, I had an argument with someone who hates the main Bandori anime series because of the “forced drama” and they called the Garupa Pico series “the good series,” it seriously frustrated me because the third season from this Winter was so good, it’s probably the best Bandori season yet because of the character interactions and it made me become a fan of RAS. I don’t hate the Garupa Pico series, it still has its charm, I like the visuals (I’m surprised that the Garupa Pico series are animated by Sanzigen as well) and I admire how the series is watchable on YouTube via the official Bandori channels, but in my opinion, this is probably like a 7/10 B rank series at best, it isn’t something that’s gonna stick and be a huge part of my life like the main series.

With that being said, I would probably like to go back to the Spring 2020 tier I made and would put Garupa Pico Ohmori on B in retrospect, but I’m still gonna keep it as it is because at the time I was really surprised for its sudden existence.

General overview and critiques of the overall Garupa Pico series aside, let’s talk about Ohmori for once, if there’s one thing I have to give huge thumbs up for is introducing RAISE A SUILEN and Morfonica and the series continuing to last for two-cours, one-cour for a short series can be such a waste, even better comedies like Girls’ Frontline Healing Chapter (I have something special to tell you about it below), I really like that the series is very long so I can watch all the misadventures for every band, but at the same time, even if RAS and Morfonica have finally been introduced, they’re still somewhat irrelevant and underused which makes me sad since Bandori 3 really made me a huge fan of RAS and I want to see more of them, and oddly enough, they probably can’t even bother trying to update the ending theme by including RAS and Morfonica, both in the visual and the song itself, if there’s gonna be a new Garupa Pico season in the next two years, hopefully RAS and Morfonica will become regular cast members. As for Morfonica, I have no idea and I don’t really know them much, I seriously need Bandori 4 to happen so it can introduce Morfonica and make me understand them.

As Joaquin Phoenix Joker said: “Comedy is subjective, Murray.”

Welcome to the Japari Park season 2: If there’s some things I have to complain about this second season is that I wish the series would continue to do these secret mystery Kako recordings during the credits like the first season had, and I wish they would stop doing these Friend trivia segments with non-existent Friends, the first season always did these segments with Friends who are actually featured in one episode or something, now that the series has been doing these segments with Friends that don’t even appear in the series, it makes these segments absolutely pointless.

Speaking of Kemono Friends, after the Welcome to the Japari Park series, who knows if the franchise’s anime future will live on given on how widely panned Kemono Friends 2 was. SEGA’s Chocotto Anime Kemono Friends 3 shorts have pretty much ended, I was actually eager on watching these shorts but they haven’t made any new short for a long time. What about 2021? Should we expect a Kemono Friends 3 anime? Probably not, and with the existence of the game with the same name, it’s gonna be extremely confusing whether this Kemono Friends 3 anime should be the third season of the main series or might be an adaptation of the game, whatever it turns out, I’d still watch it anyways because I want to continue to observe the Kemono Friends anime adaptations unfold, and I’d still be confident it would still be nowhere near as good as the first season with Tatsuki.

By the way, since September 16th, SEGA finally released not one, but FOUR new Chocotto Anime Kemono Friends 3 shorts after so long! (1, 2, 3, 4), I just happened to find that out as of the (re)writing of this, September 29th. My question is, what did it even take so long to make new shorts? One would assume is most likely COVID because that affected quite a lot of anime, but at least we finally got not one but four new videos of the Kemono Friends 3 shorts.

My Hero Academia: Make It! Do-or-Die Survival. Pretty strange for a new My Hero Academia OVA to come out this time.

Aggretsuko season 3. If there’s one thing I’d like to say about this season, or at least the last few episodes, it’s that this season has quite the darkest season finales for Aggretsuko I’ve ever seen.

Plans for Fall:

This was the weakest season of the year despite Uzaki-chan and Fire Force (Fruits Basket, Garupa Pico and Japari Park too but I don’t count leftovers), it’s a shame considering how this decade had started strong with quite some good shows and Summer has always been my favorite anime season, but the line-up isn’t as great as before, if Akudama Drive and Danmachi season 3 wouldn’t have been delayed if it weren’t for COVID, they would have made this season slightly better, but now that I think about it, it was for the best for them to get delayed because this Fall line-up is looking a million times better, hell, it’s looking to be the best season of the year!

Now, whenever I talk about the Fall anime season, we can’t forget the most important thing ever: My birthday! If you have no idea, I’ll probably remind you a billion times my birthday is coming soon, October 4th, and one of the things I always look forward the most is watching day 1 anime that come out in my birthday, but alas, I started to feel like I’m not looking forward to my birthday this year AT ALL, mainly because Venom Let There Be Carnage got delayed until June of 2021, and that really sucks so bad because THAT WAS MY ONLY CHANCE TO SEE A VENOM MOVIE IN MY BIRTHDAY, SOMETHING THE FIRST FILM SHOULD HAVE BEEN BECAUSE IT CAME OUT A DAY LATE! IT WOULD HAVE ABSOLUTELY TOPPED JOKER AS MY #1 BEST BIRTHDAY FILM EVER! My birthday gets even more depressing when there’s literally not a single anime that remotely interests me coming out in my birthday and most of the anime I’m the most excited for are coming out before and long after my birthday, the only choice I have is Talentless Nana, or Munou na Nana if you’d like to call the series but I like using the former, I watched the trailer of it and it was okay, not really impressed but might as well give it a shot in my birthday, if I didn’t like it, might as well rewatch the anime that came before it.

Anyways, enough talk about my birthday, let’s talk about my most anticipated Fall shows:

Akudama Drive - October 8th: Since the foundation of Tookyo Games, a new studio by Kazutaka Kodaka,and Kotaro Uchikoshi with artists like Rui Komatsuzaki and Shimadoriru, this anime by Pierrot was the #1 thing that got my most attention, and I can’t believe that we’re so close to the release! Though I SERIOUSLY wish this would come out on my birthday.

Danganronpa may be over but as long as there’s new projects with Kodaka and Komatsuzaki onboard, such as Akudama Drive and the upcoming Tribe Nine. Oh, and speaking of Danganronpa, guess what?... THERE’S GONNA BE AN AKUDAMA DRIVE AND DANGANRONPA COLLABORATION!!! (News provided by the official Akudama Drive Twitter account) Not only there’s gonna be illustrations by Rui Komatsuzaki but if the translations are correct, there’s gonna be more projects along the way! A Danganronpa and Akudama Drive collab is something I just never knew I needed in my life!

I’m absolutely calling it, this is definitely gonna be my AOTY, it may be based due to the fact that I love the Danganronpa franchise to death, but I’ve always had my eyes on this and I want to see it now!

By the way, I just realized something, there’s this project with visuals by Rui Komatsuzaki and Shimadoriru that I have yet to see some news of!

It’s not Tribe Nine, that game looks like a completely different beast on its own and it’s in collaboration with another project.

Then there’s also this other game that’s, quote:

Collaboration of the development team of Danganronpa and Spike Chunsoft. Kodaka actually started this project before his retirement of Spike Chunsoft. We imagine a kind of cyberpunk world from this art. Komatsuzaki designs the characters, Shimadoriru designs background, and Takada directs the sounds.

Okay, that sounds really cool, but I’m more interested in the one project with the Rui Komatsuzaki and Shimadoriru visuals, I want to know more about them!

Sure, the concept art may not represent what the final product might end up looking, but World’s End Club (Originally called Death March Club) and Akudama Drive live up to their concept art, so that’s something!

Speaking of Danganronpa, the 10th anniversary stuff was ABSOLUTELY LACKLUSTER, I legit expected there might have been surprise announcements or anything that said there’s a new Danganronpa installment, but nothing absolutely relevant came from it, the Danganronpa x Akudama Drive collab was the only good thing from it. This is what I get for setting my expectations way too high, well, maybe not too high, but still, come on.

(But at the same time, do I REALLY want a new Danganronpa without the staple creators on board?)

Girls’ Frontline Healing Chapter season 2 - October 7th: Girls’ Frontline isn’t my most played gacha game, a black sheep, probably the most blackest sheep since Granblue Fantasy, one I don’t heavily get invested to play like Fate/Grand Order, Azur Lane and even Arknights, though while I started playing Arknights at launch, I stopped around March because the game was very difficult and I lacked the resources, but I returned to the game in May after seeing my older sister starting to play Arknights. I returned to Girls’ Frontline because my Filipino friend started playing Girls’ Frontline around early May and he’s made quite a lot of insane progress in just 5 months, even I wouldn’t ever do that, but since September 28th, I uninstalled the game because I wanted to have some space to install Genshin Impact but at the same time I ended up giving on it too because it ran pretty slow for my phone even on the lowest settings and I almost had no storage left, I even tried installing the game on PC and I don’t know why but the game gave me last minute errors for some reason, so sacrifices had to be made for both Girls’ Frontline and Genshin Impact.

Anyway, enough talk with the gacha game side of things because I made quite a long un-spaced (?) paragraph, let’s talk about the GFL short anime series itself, even as a non-GFL player, I LOVED this series to death, hell, I was even lowkey sad when Healing Chapter ended, Madness Chapter, however... Not so much, we don’t talk about Madness Chapter. The biggest surprise I had when the series came out was that it came out in BiliBili with Chinese dub, hearing anime in Chinese dub is unheard of, I thought the series would be automatically in Japanese because the first trailer had an all-Japanese voice-over, but the Chinese dub was quite good, but then the Japanese dub finally came out--ON MY BIRTHDAY! on Japanese television (and BiliBili too). Well, that’s quite a lovely surprise, I managed to watch the JP dubbed premiere of Healing Chapter long before I went out with my family to have lunch and then go see Joker, it was the second 神映画 (Kami eiga - God film, I made that up) of the year, and my #1 was of course Avengers: Endgame. The JP dub of both Healing and Madness Chapter were very good too overall, it did some things better than CN and vice versa, even casting Persica’s JP voice which I really hope her seiyuu can be used again at some point, the JP broadcast of Healing Chapter also had these weird live-action segments of some dudes’ hands playing with the main character plushies doing random things... I don’t even know what they are or why they are, all I can say that they’re just pretty much fillers to fit the Japanese TV broadcast time limit.

I’m wasting quite a lot of time writing nonsense history of my experience with the Girls’ Frontline short anime series and let me get straight to the point of season 2, when the interview video was released, one of the animators said that they were working on season 2 and then the designs for AK-12 and AN-94 were shown, I’m of course hyped as hell for season 2! (Poggers) and, I don’t want to say this but because of COVID-19, I thought season 2 wouldn’t ever happen now, but it’s still alive and kicking and ready to be released! But there’s one MAJOR problem, apparently BiliBili is going to region lock the series! At first I wasn’t concerned about it for some reason, I had some misguided optimism that someone’s gotta have a VPN or do anything to try to upload the series on more accessible websites, but now the concern is growing bigger and bigger, but still let’s hope someone can still upload season 2 somewhere, I don’t want to see spoilers going around, even if I don’t follow a lot of Girls’ Frontline accounts which I should because sometimes I wouldn’t have ever found out about season 2.

Now I’m just seeing mostly stuff about Healing Chapter season 2, there’s one major question, should I expect Madness Chapter season 2 as well? As far as I know, there really hasn’t been any trailer for a potential season 2 or if it’s actually getting one at all, doesn’t seem like the series did well and I didn’t even care about it sometimes, which is great because Healing Chapter is far superior. But now that Madness Chapter may not get a second season, there’s also the question of what does M16′s Chinese VA mean by making the series “longer,” longer as in be a couple of minutes longer? Although 3-4 minutes is already a decent runtime, it’s not insanely short but I’m down if they’d make it at least a couple of minutes longer. Maybe making the series longer means that we can have a two-cour second season worth of Girls’ Frontline: Healing Chapter only? I would love for that to happen, but we’ll have to find out and see.

There are somethings I forgot to mention about Girls’ Frontline season 2, it’s aimed to be released on October 7th, which is surprisingly earlier than the first season’s release where it was late July. And October 7th being on Wednesday and I wish Girls’ Frontline season 2 would come out on my birthday, but oh well. I wonder if it’ll take about the same timeframe for the Japanese dub’s release, it came out on my birthday last year when the original Chinese dub came out in late July, so I might expect the Japanese dub of season 2 to come out in probably like Winter 2021 at best, we’ll see about that.

Even if I don’t religiously play Girls’ Frontline like I wanted to because I’m a big fan of guns, I wouldn’t mind playing Code Name Bakery, though. I may not fully understand the story in order but my Filipino friend would occasionally tell me spoilers and I don’t really mind that.

By the way, last year I made a shitpost video of Girls’ Frontline Healing Chapter but with Team Fortress 2 audio, now I finally made a new audio parody video but with a twist(ed metal)!

Osomatsu-san season 3 - October 12th: Just when I thought the future of the Osomatsu-san series would be over with the movie, but I’m glad my boys are still up and running! This is definitely gonna top Uzaki-chan as the better comedy of the year because Osomatsu-san has consitently given me a lot of laughs and delivers some really hilarious and bizarre moments.

Knowing that this is Osomatsu-san, wil it dare to even touch upon the topic of COVID-19 or something? There might be some scenes where the cast are doing a Zoom meeting, but they probably wouldn’t flat out say the name of the virus out loud, it’s very unlikely as I kinda find COVID-19 a somewhat sensitive topic and other media hasn’t or probably wouldn’t even try doing something about it.

Burn the Witch - October 2nd: I never really grew up nor care about Bleach, but I read the one-shot of Burn the Witch and I was intrigued by it, when the serialization was announced, I was excited because this series has potential, but there was a catch, this would be a short limited series for 4 chapters, so when I read the last chapter of the manga series, I was sad because the series has potential and it got wasted, but wait, it’s not entirely over yet, as this was only the “first season” and the manga series is getting a “second season.” Yeah, I have no idea how a manga having seasons even works, that doesn’t make sense.

Now here comes the film (or three-part episode series) and upon seeing the first trailer, I thought it would adapt the one-shot because that came out first, but as later trailers came out... It’s adapting the serialized series?! How long was this in the making?! How did the animators even get to read the four chapters of the serialized manga series before they were even released yet?!

Speaking of Bleach, there’s an upcoming new anime that’s adapting an arc, but like I said, I never grew up nor I care about Bleach, so... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Golden Kamuy season 3 - October 5th: Information on season 3 has been quite scarce for a while and hell, I have barely even watched the trailers, but at last it’s finally coming. As of the (re)writing of this post, September 29th, I finally managed to watch the OVAs and I forgot how hilarious and weird it can be and I love it.

Danmachi season 3 - October 2nd: Like Akudama Drive, this one was also originally gonna be released on Summer but was delayed because of COVID, I haven’t really talked about it more than I have with Akudama Drive because I’m the most excited for it.

Like Golden Kamuy, I happened to watch the recent OVA when season 2 ended and I haven’t seen the trailers at all. Man, I rarely watch OVAs nowadays. Also, speaking of the OVA, what did I just watch?!

D4DJ First Mix - October 30th: That’s right, this is ANOTHER Sanzigen produced anime of the year, Sanzigen has done it again, they’re absolutely killing this year. Anyways, I wanted to watch this for obvious reasons, but apparently I found out that this D4DJ franchise is a new property by Bushiroad, the publisher of the BanG Dream series, seems like Bushiroad has a soft spot for Sanzigen and I really can’t blame them.

Higurashi remake - October 1st: Starting the month off with a remake adaptation of Higurashi, lovely. I never grew up watching the original Higurashi anime, however, I do remember certain moments from the series... For the absolute worse. (1, 2). Yeah, that’s all I can remember. I really wish I could have binged the original series months ago, at least the first season because upon checking the Wikipedia, there’s a lot of other series and they’re just as long as the first one, there’s no way I would have survived all that binge-watching considering I have other things I’m heavily compromised such as my gacha gaming addiction, and yeah that was silly but I have nothing else to do in my spare time, with that being said about the binge-watching and consuming a lot of material, it would have been the time I binged all of Ikki Tousen for a week all over again.

I don’t know anything about the Higurashi visual novel, I don’t know if the original anime series was a good adaptation or not, I’ll probably let some VN royaltists tell me on this one, the 2000s were probably the time where VN adaptations were absolutely mediocre (which I can’t really say for sure because I don’t play VNs to even care to agree that the Tsukihime and Umineko anime are garbage), but I digress. If you couldn’t tell, the original Higurashi anime is that old, which I don’t understand why the need for an anime remake like at this time and what will it even do as an adaptation.

Watching the series is gonna be totally new to me, this isn’t like a Fruits Basket situation where I refused to watch the original anime series in favor of the remake, and by seeing some comparison videos, the remake is a million times far superior than the remake.

Guraburu! - October 8th: I don’t want to consider my older sister as my personal go-to Granblue Fantasy/Shadowverse/Bahamut source since whatever she says are her opinions and whatever which I wouldn’t always end up agreeing, even if she ends up saying that she hates the main Granblue Fantasy anime series. As for me, I found the first season decent, I liked the animation, but then the second season came and the animation is totally different and that gave me a huge sour taste in my mouth, just the visuals were enough to make me sick from the painful animation and I couldn’t care any single bit of it, and the fact that season 2 came out around the same time where other gacha game-based anime like Fate/Grand Order Babylonia and Azur Lane The Animation came out didn’t do any favors.

I don’t know if Girls’ Frontline or Granblue Fantasy are my blackest gacha game sheeps, I did have some decent experience with the game, I played the Christmas, the Persona 5 and the Detective Conan events (Though I didn’t finish the Conan event), I mostly opened the game for log ins but I occasionally went to do free rolls whenever those happened, lastly I played the campaign for a little bit but I stopped because the one chapter where I last played, I forgot what it was, but it required having a party with higher level and I couldn’t even beat a map once, so I gave up. I haven’t opened the game for a long time and I feel like I have pretty much retired from Granblue Fantasy. I wouldn’t like to try to follow my older sister in the shadows when it comes to Granblue Fantasy, Shadowverse or Rage of Bahamut any longer, so they’re totally out of my league.

My older sister seems rather optimistic about this series as it’s an adaptation of the game’s 4koma, going so far to say this would be “a million times better than the main anime series.”

Honestly I’m not feeling quite fond of these Cygames adaptations as a whole, they can be very hit or miss but the most important thing is whether they resonate with me or not, so I still end up watching everything anyways.

Also, we do not talk about the current Shadowverse anime because that is NOT the Shadowverse I know at all and I can’t believe it’s still going.

Attack on Titan: The Final Season - December 7th: Okay, I definitely did not expect quite a release date for the final season of Attack on Titan at all, it’s so weird that I even thought about whether or not I would classify this as a “Fall” anime and more like closer to the “Winter” season. I haven’t been following the news but my biggest question is, has the manga already ended? This wouldn’t be the final season if it wouldn’t adapt the entirety of the series finale as soon as the source material ended, kind of like Tokyo Ghoul:re.

Talentless Nana - October 4th: I already mentioned above that this is my only decent choice of day 1 anime to watch on my birthday, I’m just putting it here again for the sake of having the list complete.

Toji no Miko - Tomoshibi - October 25th, November 29th: Back when I first watched Toji no Miko back in 2018 (Wow, I already feel old), I found the series okay, they also released a mobile game at the time which I was like “Okay.” But for some reason as time went on I kind of grow to develop a negative aftertaste for the series, like it’s not very appealing or whatever. Then the Mini Toji series came out last year and it added fuel to the fire on my uninterest on the Toji no Miko franchise as a whole with Mini Toji leaving me a huge sour taste in my mouth, it wasn’t even funny, sometimes it was but most of it wasn’t.

I don’t want to associate Yoshinori Shizuma’s art heavily with Kancolle, but I even went so far thinking that Toji no Miko would be the Kancolle of swords or even a female Touken Ranbu of sorts but not exactly like Touken Ranbu, but it does nothing to help to gain interest.

I don’t know why I kind of feel that way towards the franchise, and after the mobile game’s release, I later thought Toji no Miko would become a failed franchise, so where we at now? Well, Toji no Miko is getting an OVA, but it’s not just a single OVA, it’s actually a two-part OVA, lovely. There’s just something about the series that makes me think it’s bland, it’s nothing special and whatever. I do think Yoshinori Shizuma’s character designs are nice, not great or rule 34 worthy but they’re okay at best, and that’s about it.

Mini Toji introduced the characters from the mobile game into the anime scene, and now the new OVAs are heavily based on the mobile game, but honestly, I prefer the characters from the anime series a million times better than the ones from the game, they’re rather forgettable.

You probably want to tell me that if I feel somewhat pessimistic about Toji no Miko, I should boycott the OVA, I’d like to but part of me tells me that maybe I shouldn’t blindly be a dick about it, so I guess I should give Toji no Miko one last chance. I wrote the release date just in case, I’ll probably forget about it anyways except there will be something that’ll make me remind the Toji no Miko OVA parts 1 and 2 will come out soon or have come out depending on the time.

(Speaking of Touken Ranbu, when the hell are we gonna get the new Touken Ranbu Hanamaru project? I recently read the news of the new Hanamaru project being in the works again to refresh my memory the last time I saw the news and it was from THIS JANUARY?! Holy crap, that was a really long time ago! I really hope this would resurface in 2021 and it might bring some interest in Touken Ranbu again, although this is Touken Ranbu and the fanbase are hardcore fujos so they’re still keeping the game alive in some way. I always thought the Touken Ranbu anime would now become dormant for some reason, especially when Ufotable is never gonna release the Katsugeki Touken Ranbu movie, they definitely must have ditched it in favor of more Fate and even Kimetsu no Yaiba. The Katsugeki Touken Ranbu film now is sitting next to Girls’ Work as Ufotable’s most infamous vaporware works.)

I guess that’s it for this post, I talked way too much about some of my most anticipated shows than others but it’s clear I do give a lot of thought into some of these things.

Anyways, I’ll see you later and don’t forget about my birthday!

Hajime Komaeda/XtremeDespair3D - Carrd.

If you want to do birthday donations: Here.

[heero-yuy]

What do you think about Joaquim saying that Shiro has a "big brother kind of understanding" when he was talking about Shiro choosing Keith to lead Voltron during one of the WonderCon interviews? I've seen your posts saying that you think Sheith still has a chance of being canon, but while I'm a huge Sheith fan, JDS referring to Shiro as big brother figure plus the "you're like a brother to me" line makes me think they're just gonna keep having a brotherly relationship.

Well, I like their platonic relationship, I reallydun think of their bond any less just because it’snot romantic or sexual.. I appreciate it for what it is inthe show right now.  And I don’t have a problem with it staying that way. 

But..

I don’t really see how any of it means it can’t grow into more atsome point?

There’s a BIG difference between a character saying “you’re like a brother to me” in act one, and to them saying that in act 7 or something..  BIG difference.

Why everyone are so impatient around here? Like let their relationship develop first! So ppl won’t cry later “OH BUT THERE WAS NO BUILDUP IT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND IT’S NOT REALLY BELIEVABLE”

Like.. It’s only been two seasons… 26 episodes outof 78…. 

And why would they reveal anything in interviews about whatrelationship ends up being romantic at this point?

None of the relationships are actually romantic rightnow, none of them. 

And I’m not necessary talking about sheith, likeobviously the staff dun tell us shit about who’s the LGBTcharacter(s?) or made it very clear from the start, because just like thePidge being a girl thing, it’s probably supposed to be a surprise of sorts in the show and they want us to experience it. 

If anyone expects any of them to go “oh yeahthat character is actually gay and inlove with this other character”about anyone, before that happens in the show, then I think they’re gonna be very disappointed. (and staff show support for most ships onsocial media, I dun feel like they really favor any specifically..)

And as a sheith shipper I LOVED the BOM scene! And Iloved that line. But I really dun get why that line was what everyonewere talking about and focusing on.. WHEN SO MUCH OTHER STUFFHAPPENED THERE AFTER THAT THAT WERE SO MUCH MORE MEANINGFUL.

And specially since Keith very obviously didn’t mean the “I see you likea brother” thing in a “Shiro, the idea of having sex with you isnot appealing to me in any way whatsoever so lets just be bros”kind of way, (who even thinks that that’s what it was about??) but in a “I really care about you and you’re veryimportant to me” way?

(ok, jk I know exactly why people got so hung up onthis line, no need explaining haha..) 

I dunno, I think if anything the “like a brother” just gave sheith morewind in it sails, because before that there was still the possibilityof them actually being brothers? 

(and you gotta ask yourself, why didn’t they justmade them actual family members in some way in the showif what they were going for is a brotherly relationship there… itseriously could have been as easy as “Shiro you’re mybrother/uncle/second father…” I mean Sven and Keith kinda looked alike? it wouldn’t be so far fetched to make em distant cousins or something, would explain their close relationship in DotU too. I guess they stillmight go that way.. but then it would make em liking sheith art kinda kinkyhaha..)

Anyway, I dun think Keith and Shiro are in a place of talkingabout romance at this point in time.. (I don’t even think either ofthem really thinks in that direction about the other right now.. orabout anyone..)

Maybe there’s some feelings there that are not just platonic love, developing, orpresent….. but I dun feel like either of them is gonna talk aboutit yet if there are?

I don’t think romance is a priority for them rightnow. I think there’s alot of stuff that need to happen first forthem to come to that point. 

And I do not see them going there anytime soon….Maybe eventually, after alot of development and a time skip, but notanytime soon. Like I will be surprised if this relationship takes aromantic turn before like the last season or something.

But… you dun establish such a strong relationship at the beginning for nothing.

They’re building up to something, (doesn’t have to be romance or any good thing) but some serious shit is gonna go down between Keith and Shiro at some point, you can count on it.

And they already said all the romantic relationshipsare slow build, but they also said that they put some stuff from thestart that will pay off later… I guess meaning there will be someend game romance between characters we’ve already met.

So I guess sheith, kla//nce, allur//ance, kallu//ra and shall//ura arethe most likely candidates for that. Since I feel like they had somestuff in these two season that might be interpreted as hints at a possible romantic relationship. (not counting hunay ofcourse, because that’salready a thing)

And I kinda agree with what Joaquim said, Shiro I thinkdoes sees himself as the “big brother figure” to all thepaladins, not just Keith, I just don’t think he’s gonna stay inthat state of mind? I think he’s gonna realize sooner or later thatnot everything has to be on his shoulders all the time.. That hedoesn’t have to stay strong for everyone all the time.. and he willend up being on more equal grounds with the rest.. and I think itkinda already happened with Keith in season 2 to a certain point..

(and I have alot to say about the Keith and Shirodynamics…  and some stuff I dun agree with about what is saidabout it in interviews because that’s not what we see in the show, and from season 2 I will disagree aboutShiro seeing Keith as a little brother, but like not in a romance wayso i’ll do it in a different post cuz I wanna explain exactly why I disagree)

And I will ship sheith no matter what, because theoption of a same sex ship becoming explicitly canon in a show is still very new to me…So my feelings and ideas about a relationship don’t depend on that,simply because they never were.

But shipping goggles off, there’s still things Iwill stand firmly behind, 

and that is that Keith is inlove with Shiro, incanon.

Because with Keith it’s like…

It’s like..  his lips say “bro”but his entire body language says “take me i’m yours” all the time? haha

Like you don’t melt like that around guys who u see in aplatonic brotherly way. look up to, admire, respect, feel protectiveof, yes sure, but not..melt. Keith just becomes so soft, loving,submissive around Shiro… he’s not even the same person..

And you know, I consider Steven Yeun to be a goodactor, and with the way he voices Keith when he’s talking to Shiro andthe way they animate Keith’s expressions (which is done withthought behind it) around Shiro,

I have to say that Keith doesn’t look at Shiro like at abrother (no matter how important family is to Keith), he looks and talks to him like he’s his sun and stars. 

And I think it doesn’t matter what u ship, no one can miss the factKeith loves Shiro and that he’s his most important person. (but I guess pplwho want other ships to happen have no choice but to insist andexplain that love as just brotherly love, because what else could it be whenKeith is obviously straight/ inlove with lance/10 years old?)

So yeah I will stand firmly behind Keith being inlovewith Shiro, whether he realizes it yet or not. (Just a bit too much affection there for it to be strictly brotherly imo..)

But with Shiro I’m not so sure… season one I didn’t seehim returning Keith’s feelings at all, everything Keith was feeling there it didn’t seem like it was the same for Shiro. Just from season one I was convinced Shiro does see him as just a little brother. And I thought it was gonna stay like that for a long while and maybe even forever…

But then season two came… with some stuff that really surprised me about Shiro. And I guess some shots made me think there might besomething there on Shiro’s side too.. But I dunno, I would still describe Shiro’s feelings for Keith as brotherly.  

I think he wants to get to know him more, that he wants to get closer to him, and that he really admires him. But that’s it. I don’t think it goes deeper at this point. (I will poke fun at him tho, but like if you ask me seriously, I don’t actually see him liking Keith like that right now, and even if he does I dun see him keeping those thoughts and feelings)

I guess if in season one I didn’t see it at all, season two made me atleast see him maybe going there eventually?

And you know I think this whole “you’re like abrother to me” is getting so much attention even though it wasn’t even something important in the show…(kinda of a “well duh” moment really) Because I think it made people who were against a romance between Keith and Shiro feel alot of relief? (like when I see antis throw that line at shippers I just see it at proof at how strong Sheith is haha.)

Like I think Sheith started real strong, so strong that alot ofpeople actually thought they are in a romantic relationship in seasonone? Like I think some peoplelegit expected Keith to say something like “I love you, Shiro��instead of “You’re like a brother to me”, specially afterhow season 2 started and went until that line.

(And seeing a homophobic acquaintance muttering “oh thank fucking god” under his breath when Keith says “you’re like a brother to me” is all theproof I need that this is not just me seeing through my shipping goggles, and there’s somethingthere that makes ppl who really dun wanna see gay, see some gay haha)

And btw I’m not even talking about just tumblr shippers (who see gay relationships EVERYWHERE), most of my Voltron buddies are cis straight fanboys in their 20-30 who are really not into shipping and I have to keep my tumblr fandom adventures a complete secret from them haha, and atleast two of themafter watching Voltron season 1 were arguing with me (a sheith shipper) thatKeith and Shiro are lovers, and I was like “no they’re not, far from it”, andthen both these guys were surprised at the “brother” line and now see therelationship as strictly familiar, and that Shiro is a brother/fatherfigure to Keith and think they were wrong.

But I think it’s not like they were wrong about Keith and Shirohaving something a little extra in their interactions… people (well atleast people whoknow this is by the same ppl who did korra, because peoplewho don’t probably cant even imagine two guys being inlove with eachother in a kids cartoon is an option) )I think do pick up on something between Keithand Shiro if they pay close attention to them? 

It’s just that they really start as friends, and not even closefriends. And we see them growing closer, and I’m guessing we will seeem growing even closer as time goes by. And who knows maybe at theend of the show they will grow close enough to maybe even end up together?

It’s not impossible..

(I honestly dun need much, just give me one shot of Shiro comingback to what seems to be his and Keith’s house, and a long hug, and Keithsaying “it’s good to have you back” with a smile and Shiroreplying “it’s good to be back” and them holding eachother atthe end of the show after the credits, and i’ll be happy forever. I love these two and I think they are the person they really deserve to eachother.)

And by no means am I saying it’s not actually a strictly brotherlyrelationship and gonna stay that way, I’m just saying that if that’s what they arewriting, it kinda looks like this haha:

#sheith #i think im the only sheith shipper that is actually surprised at how fast this relationship is developing haha #no but like really #if you compare shiro and keith to like other brotherly relationships like lance and hunk #mako and bolin #hikaru and roy who i think atleast somewhat were an inspiration for shiro and keith #then u can see that there's a difference #they can say that just a brotherly relationship all they want #they sure put some romantic undertones in their scenes together haha #thoughts and stuff #replies #Anonymous

[ryqoshay]

How to Handle a Nico: Jizenka

Primary Pairing: NicoMaki Words: ~3.7k Rating: T Time Frame: Maki is in med school. Nico is working as an idol producer. They are living together as a couple, but not married yet. Story Arc: Stand Alone

List of all HtHaN scenes

Author’s Note: A bit more of a somber subject this time. This was written and posted with permission from her brother.

Edit: I commissioned some artwork for this scene. Thank you, noelclover.

“Dr. Nishikino.”

Maki paused, glancing about to locate her father.

“Dr. Nishikino.” The voice repeated.

Wait, were they referring to her? Maki turned to find a young man approaching her.

“I’m sorry,” Maki started, “were you looking for me?”

The young man nodded.

“Ah, I see, I’m sorry for not responding, I thought you were looking for my father.” She explained. “Because, I’m not a doctor yet; I’m still in school.”

“My apologies for the misunderstanding.”

“Don’t worry about it, you’re not the first.” And probably won’t be the last. “You… look familiar, have we met?”

“My little sister is a patient here, and I’ve been visiting her a lot lately.”

Maki nodded. “So, what can I do for you?”

The young man took a slow breath. “You’re… involved with the famous idol, Yazawa Nico, right?”

Maki hesitated. Even though her relationship with Nico had become public knowledge a while ago, part of her still held to the habit of trying to keep it secret; despite having revealed it to her RA on day one. “Yes…” she said after a moment.

“Good. Well, I know it may sound strange, but I must ask a favor of you.”

“Oh?” Maki raised an eyebrow.

“My sister is a big fan of Yazawa-san. She’s followed her since her debut with µ’s. It would mean the world to her if Yazawa-san would be willing to sign this for her.” He held out a CD case.

Maki blinked as she recognized Nico’s first single. Wasn’t that the same one her RA wanted Nico to sign way back when? She couldn’t help a small smile at the reminder of how dedicated Nico’s fanbase was to her. “I’ll see what I can do.” She said, accepting the CD.

“And, um… She’s also a fan of you, Nishikino-san; BiBi was her favorite subgroup. If I found some of her BiBi merchandise, do you think you and Ayase-san would be willing to sign those as well? If not, that’s alright, but again, she really is a big fan of Yazawa-san, so…”

“I’m sure Nico-chan will be fine with it.” Maki continued to smile gently. “And I’m sure Eli will be as well. And if I’m not around when you have the item, you can leave it at the reception desk and they’ll be sure to get it to me. Which reminds me, what room is your sister in? If I can’t find you after Nico-chan signs this, I can deliver it to her.”

The young man smiled as well. “She might actually prefer you to deliver it, as opposed to me.”

“Alright.”

“What?” Nico balked. “Jizenka’s in the hospital?”

Maki blinked. “You know her?”

“Of course I do! She’s a really avid fan. She may not be the most active on the forums, but you should see some of the art she has posted; it’s amazing.” Nico pursed her lips. “Geez, if I’d known she was in the hospital…” Her eyes lit up. “Say, I have an idea.”

“Yazawa-san?!” the girl in the hospital bed sat bolt upright and stared at the dark-haired woman at the door.

“Nico Nico Nii~” the professional idol sang, holding her hands up in her signature gesture. “When Nico heard one of her biggest fans was here, she decided to stop by and check in.”

“It’s really you, Yazawa-san!” a huge smile crossed the girl’s lips.

“Please, that’s too formal.” Nico dismissed. “A fan of Nico-nii should call her Nico-nii.”

Maki couldn’t hold back her own smile as she watched her girlfriend make her way over to the bed and strike up a conversation. She had always envied Nico’s ability to engage with her fans, specifically her ability to turn on her idol persona like a light switch. She still thought the idol persona was a bit over the top, but the fans loved it, and she couldn’t deny that she had come to find it cute in its own way.

“Thank you.” A voice said from behind Maki.

Turning, she found the older brother standing just outside the room. “It was actually Nico-chan’s idea to come here.” She admitted. “You should thank her.”

“Oh, I will,” the young man nodded, “I definitely will. But she wouldn’t have had the idea if you hadn’t told her, so I must thank you as well.”

“I spoke with her doctor.” Maki stated.

“Oh…” the young man glanced down. “I see.”

“This is really the least Nico-chan and I can do. But, we have another idea as well. I’ll let you know when we figure out the details.”

“Papa.”

Dr. Nishikino looked up from his desk. “Yes, Maki?”

“I have a really big favor to ask of you.”

The older man set down his pen, steepled his fingers, and awaited further explanation.

“There is a patient of Dr. Nakamura that I would like to do something special for.”

“…”

“I would like to hold a private concert for her.”

“A concert.”

“Yes.”

“In a hospital.”

“She’s confined to her bed, so she can’t attend a normal one.”

“A concert. In a hospital.”

“I’ve already spoken with the staff and we’ve located an area in that is far enough removed from any inpatient room that the noise should not be an issue. We will schedule the event after hours so we won’t disturb any surgeries, barring emergencies, of course. But the room we would like to use is for overflow usage anyway so the primary facilities will still be available in such a situation.”

“…”

“Tsubasa has procured mobile acoustic panels to help with noise reduction. There will be no band, no lights, no cameras, no major sound equipment, just a laptop, a portable karaoke machine and some speakers. Everything is on wheels so we can set up quickly and vacate in minutes if necessary. Even the audience will be small; just the patient, her family, and a few staff members who have expressed interest in attending.”

“…”

“All hourly staff members who are attending will be off the clock and salaried staff will be on their allotted lunch break. Everyone understands this is not a work-related event, it is just something special we are doing for a patient.”

“How long have you been planning all of this?”

“Just today, actually. Nico-chan and I reached out to some people and things came together pretty quick.”

“Yazawa-san?”

“Yes.”

“Your girlfriend will be the performing artist at this mini concert of yours?”

“That is correct. Nico-chan has rearranged her schedule to accommodate these plans. We are also working with Dr. Nakamura to ensure Jizenka, the patient, is up for the event. We also have alternate dates allotted if we need to postpone for whatever reason.”

“An idol concert in a hospital…” Dr. Nishikino closed his eyes as he pressed his fingers into his forehead, just above the bridge of his nose.

“Yes.”

“I must admit this is somewhat unprecedented.”

“It is, yes.”

“But it won’t interfere with normal operations.”

“No.”

“And it won’t disturb any patients.”

“That’s the intent.”

“And everyone is alright with it.”

“So far, yes.”

“So far?”

“We still need your permission, of course.”

“…”

Maki met her father’s calculating stare with her own determination.

Dr. Nishikino took a long, slow breath. “Alright.”

“Alright?”

“Yes. But if I receive one complaint.” He held up a finger. “Just one, and it shuts down immediately, is that clear?”

“Crystal clear.”

“Alright.”

“Thank you, Papa.”

“Is this… is this really all for me?” the girl on the gurney asked, her eyes wide as she stared at the room before her.

“It is all for you!” Nico replied, stepping out from behind an acoustic panel, wearing a pink dress with a frilly skirt. As there was little space and even less time to change, Nico had selected one of her favorite idol outfits to wear; one she knew a good majority of her fans adored. Grabbing the microphone off the karaoke machine, she walked over to the area designated as the stage, spun in place and held one hand up in her signature gesture.

“Welcome to the first ever Super Special Nico-nii Fan Appreciation Mini Concert!” She paused for a small round of applause from the audience of barely over a dozen. “And let’s not forget that none of this would be possible if not for the amazing generosity of the Nishikino family and the wonderful staff at this facility.” She paused again for more clapping. “And most importantly, this whole thing started with an idea from my adorable girlfriend, Nishikino Maki-chan! Let’s hear it for her!”

“N-Nico-chan!” Maki protested, blushing as all eyes turned to her.

The idol in the front of the room merely grinned in response. “Hanayo, the first song, please!”

“Of course!” the brunette said happily. She held up five fingers and proceeded to count down to the moment when she hit Play.

Nico had chosen Majoutsukai Hajimemashita as her first song, as it was a fan favorite, and from there moved to one of her newer singles from her solo career. The guest of honor sat with a joyous expression reminiscent of Hanayo in her younger years, or current years, if the former µ’s member’s expression was any indication. For her part, Maki was content remaining near the corner, just watching her girlfriend enjoy singing her heart out for a precious fan. At least she was content until…

Maki blinked as a microphone appeared in her field of vision. When did Hanayo make it over to her? And in the seconds she was distracted, Nico had made her way over to the laptop.

“W-what the heck?” the redhead sputtered.

The twintailed idol smirked as she hit a button. An all too familiar tune emanated from the speakers.

“No way!” the future surgeon stated. “I refu...” She cut off when her gaze met the girl for whom she had set up this whole thing.

“Are you looking at me?” Nico started singing as she pointed an accusing finger at Maki.

“Don’t look at me!” Maki sang in reply, more out of an unexpected habit than anything else. Immediately, the girl’s face lit up and Maki couldn’t help but accept the microphone from Hanayo and continue the rest of the verse in the intended duet with Nico.

It all came back so easily. The doctor-in-training rarely had time to sing much these days, and barely had time to squeeze in some relaxation at the piano owned by her college. Yet this song, so ingrained in her memory, came out like she had just rehearsed it yesterday. Well, almost. A few times, she felt a bit off pitch, but Nico was quick to adjust and match, proving her continued idol training to not be in vain. The professional idol even adjusted her movements to the confined space, weaving around the small audience in an attempt to mimic what they used to do on stage.

By the second verse, Maki found herself moving as well, intentionally staying away from her duet partner. It wasn’t until the final chorus that the two slowly made their way towards the front of the room.

“Hey, so what are we going to do?”

“Hurry up and decide!”

Maki was no longer in a tiny room in a remote part of her family’s hospital. The audience was gone. Singing the last few lines of the song as she stared into the eyes of the girl she loved, standing barely a dozen centimeters away, there was just the two of them. Nothing else mattered.

It wasn’t until a good few seconds after the last note faded that Maki came back to reality and realized people were clapping. The other realization that hit her harder was that she had just spent the last several minutes singing and dancing in front of her colleges. Not her fellow students from high school, not random idol fans filling an auditorium, the staff of the hospital she was to run in a few short years. She could feel her cheeks getting warm.

“And with that Nico-nii needs a short break.” Nico was saying, moving towards the laptop. “But in the meantime, we have a special surprise for you!” She tapped a few keys.

Maki’s eyes widened as she saw the song being queued. “W-wait!” she held out a hand as the raven-haired girl held up five fingers and began a countdown like Hanayo had done before. As Nico’s last finger curled down, her other hand dropped on the key to start the song. Damnit.

“Daring!!” Maki cried out. “You’ll be wild!”

Once again, lyrics, unsung for years, came back as though she had just written them. The passion, the excitement, the rush of her days on stage as a school idol washed over her like a tidal wave.

Violet sought out crimson while the rest of the world faded. Maki loved Nico’s expressions, particularly when the raven-haired girl was enjoying something. And while part of her wanted to be self-conscious about the fact that she was performing in scrubs, she couldn’t get over how adorable her girlfriend looked in her idol costume.

And she was staring. Oh gods, Nico was staring at her with that expression. Something turned inside Maki. She had performed this song many times, but at no point had she ever thought she was singing it to a specific person; always just a generic fan. Until today. Today, despite this concert being intended for a particular patient, Maki was singing for Nico, and Nico alone. And something about that excited her. A lot.

That excitement turned right back to embarrassment when Nico skipped over at the end of the song, pushed herself up on her tiptoes and planted a kiss on Maki’s cheek.

“Thanks for the break, Maki-chan.” The professional idol whispered into the future doctor’s ear.

The redhead found herself utterly speechless as the small audience oohed and aahed. Nobody in the room was surprised by the event, except perhaps for Maki, who practically stumbled back to her corner in a daze.

“Alright,” Nico said into her microphone. “Nico-nii’s all rested up and we still have time for a few more numbers, right?” She glanced at the nurse attending the guest of honor, who nodded. “Alright, Hanayo, what do we have up next?”

After as many encores as the nurse would allow, the concert finally came to an end. The audience slowly filtered out, though everyone wanted to make sure to thank Nico, Maki and Hanayo personally for making the event happen.

“We’ll take care of clean up, Hanayo.” Maki said. “You can head out. Thanks for all your hard work.”

The brunette smiled. “It was my pleasure, Maki-chan. I hope we can do something like this again.”

Nico glanced at her girlfriend, wondering why she was issuing orders to her employee. “Have a good night, Hanayo.” She played along anyway. “See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow, Nico-chan.” Hanayo replied, making her way out the door.

Maki closed the door behind the other girl before locking it. Nico blinked. What was going on?

“That wasn’t fair, Nico-chan.” The redhead murmured, still facing the door.

“What?” the raven-haired girl asked.

“Making me sing like that.” Maki turned to face her girlfriend. “Idiot.”

Nico smirked. So that was the issue. “You loved it.”

“Maybe…”

“I thought you might enjoy a little nostalgia.”

“But it was your concert.”

“And you performed admirably.”

Pink flushed Maki’s cheeks. “But those were my colleges; people I’m going to need to lead soon.”

“Who all remember when you were a school idol.” Nico pointed out, approaching the other girl.

“But…”

“You saw how they reacted,” the shorter girl stopped just in front of the taller girl. “I don’t think their opinion of you has changed.”

“…”

“And you were really cute, dancing in that outfit. You look good in scrubs.” Nico chuckled. “I can’t wait to see you in a lab-kyaa!” Nico cried out as Maki grabbed her, spun and pressed her against the door. “M-Ma-mmmph?” She was cut off as lips crashed against hers. Despite the initial shock, she reciprocated almost immediately, sliding her arms around the taller girl’s neck to pull herself up and closer.

“It also wasn’t fair giving me that look while I was singing.” Maki said, pulling away.

Nico smirked. “You noticed, huh?”

“How could I not?”

“You didn’t back in high school.”

The redhead pouted. “That’s not fair either.”

The raven-haired girl chuckled.

“And that dress isn’t fair…”

“Oh? What are you going to do about it? The truck rental place closes soon, and I still need to get these panels back to the office first.”

“I’ll pay for an extra day…” Maki’s lips bypassed Nico’s to land on her neck instead.

“And we’re still in the hospital.”

“That’s why I locked the door…” She moved down to her clavicle.

“Maki-chan…”

Her hand reached up to pull a strap off Nico’s shoulder.

“Geez…”

“Ah, Maki-chan!” The woman behind the reception desk looked up and smiled. “And Yazawa-san as well…” Her brow furrowed. “What are you two still doing here?”

“What do you mean?” Maki asked.

“Didn’t your little concert end…” she glanced at her watch “quite a while ago?”

“We, uhm… got side tracked…” the redhead tried her best to keep the heat down in her cheeks.

“I see…” Miyuki’s gaze also found a blushing Nico. “Well, in any case, I’m sorry, I couldn’t make it this time, perhaps you’ll have an encore event in the near future?”

“I’ll have to ask Papa about that.”

“Well, let me know if you do. Have a good night.”

“Yeah… you as well…” Maki grabbed Nico’s hand and hurried out the door.

“Maki-chan!” Nico called, practically running into the room. “Maki-chan! Look!”

The doctor-in-training looked up from her laptop to see the flowers her girlfriend was holding. “Those are lovely, Nico-chan. Who sent them?”

“I dunno.” The idol shrugged before grinning. “Probably one of my adoring fans.” She drew out the pronunciation to emphasize adoring.

Maki rolled her eyes but smiled anyway.

“Here, take these.” Nico reached over the desk to hand off the bouquet to the redhead. “Let me open this…” She’d made such a big deal about the flowers, Maki hadn’t even noticed the sizable envelope Nico had been holding in her other hand. “Oh! It’s from Jizenka’s family. They’re thanking us for the concert.”

“So, it’s for both of us.”

“Yeah, it’s…” She cut off and stared at the page.

“It’s…?” Maki repeated.

“…” the idol held a hand her mouth.

“Nico-chan?” Concerned, the med student stood and walked over to her girlfriend who turned away. “What’s going on?” She took the paper and scanned it. “Oh.”

“’Oh?’” Nico repeated, almost choking on the word as she turned back towards Maki. “Just ‘Oh?’”

The redhead shrugged slightly. “I spoke with Dr. Nakamura, this doesn’t come as a surprise.”

“But she’s…”

“Yeah.”

“And you’re just…” The first tear slid down Nico’s cheek.

“Come’s with the territory. Papa always said not to get too attached to a patient. And he was sure to remind me of that with her when we set up the concert; several times, actually.”

“B-but…”

“Nico-chan, it’s not that I’m not sad, it’s that I can’t let it get too me too much.” Maki slid her arms around her girlfriend and rested her chin on her shoulder. “If I let them all weigh me down, the depression can be a serious distraction that could cause harm to another patient.”

“I’m not sure I like this side of Maki-chan.” Nico admitted quietly.

“I’m sorry…” She looked down. “I think there are more pages…” she reached for the envelop, which Nico let her take. “What are these? Drawings?”

“I told you she was an artist.”

“This one is recent…”

“It’s…” Nico cut off to hold back a sob.

“From our concert.” Maki finished. The drawing in her hand depicted Nico in her idol outfit and Maki in her scrubs, both holding microphones, facing one another, singing, and smiling.

Nico turned in the embrace and buried her face in the crook of the taller girl’s neck. Half a second later, the dam broke and she let loose what she had been holding back since learning of her fan’s fate. Maki stood in silence, wanting to comfort her girlfriend, yet needing every ounce of effort focused on repressing her own emotions.

“Maki-chan…” Nico said after calming down a little.

“Mmm?” Maki stirred from the trance-like state into which she had settled.

“I have a favor to ask of you…”

“You two came.” The young man said with a small smile.

“It’s the very least we could do.” Maki replied.

“Mother and Father will be very pleased.” He turned and motioned for the pair to follow. “Come with me, I’ll introduce you. They’ll love meeting the women my sister talked about so much over the years.”

“Uhm…” Nico started. “Before that, I want to talk with you about our gift to the family.”

Moments later, introductions were made, seats were taken and the service began. Several speeches were made detailing the life of the young woman, the most impassioned of which was from her brother.

“And finally,” the young man said, “we have a special guest with us today. As most of you know, my sister adored idols and their music, but her favorite, by far, was one Yazawa Nico. And she has taken time out of her busy schedule to pay her respects to my beloved sister. So here, she is, Yazawa Nico.”

“Thank you for your kind introduction.” Nico said, taking the podium. “And thank you for allowing me to do this.” She turned to the service attendees. “I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say today, but I found myself at a complete loss. I’ve lost many fans over the years for various reasons, they didn’t like my music any more, they didn’t like that I was dating, they didn’t think I was releasing music fast enough or doing enough concerts, whatever. But this is a first for me; I’ve never lost a fan like this. And I just didn’t know what to say.

“But one of the advantages of dating a songwriter…” Nico turned towards the small piano on stage where Maki was already taking a seat. “… and being a singer myself, is that I have another outlet.” She turned back to the gathering. “I’ve always said that music is for everyone. But this one is special. This one is for one fan. This one is for Jizenka.”

Author’s Note Continued: I may not be a songwriter, so I can't write a song like Maki did, but I do still fancy myself a writer, so I can still create something. Thus, as Nico said, this one is for Jizenka; first Like on my fic, first strong source of inspiration for my fic, fellow NicoMaki shipper, and fantastic artist. Farewell, friend.

#Nishikino Maki #Yazawa Nico #NicoMaki #How to Handle a Nico #Love Live #fanfic

[whatyousaiddotcom-blog]

SOME CORRESPONDENCE OF SC

Correspondence between SC and JM (a member of the accountability panel), November 2014

SC     11/29/14    to JM

Dear JM,

it was nice to see you other other day at the demo....im not exactly sure how to start this email but our exchange keeps repeating on me...so i thought i would write to you... i was a bit irrked that you seemed surprised that I said I was feeling quite shit and when you asked me whats up etc

I'm starting to think you have no idea what the impact the bloomsbury ten stuff has had on me... i wanted to write to you so you had some type of idea...

as Im sure your aware everything sparked up again recently ( it actually sparked up (intensely) again a few weeks before K’s piece of writing but i wont go into that here ). and there is now a name and shame blog doxing me and the others and accusing us of various crimes.

I know you have not partaken in this and even tried to calm thing down on fb at one point.... but it doesnt help and things are really bad.

there are a BUNCH of people who read our intervention letter who have grossly and purposely falsified what we originally wrote -  you know many of these people  - ( ie NBa, RA-D, P, STA, etc many others ) and im sure you have seen this stuff circulating recently and over the last few years.

they accuse us of at least these things:

- victim blaming

-denying it happened

-calling her a liar

- asking for more evidence

- asking about her sexual history

-bullying and harassing her

-saying it was her fault.

yet anyone who read / reads the original letter and who has basic comprehension skills can clearly see that none of these things happened. these are projections onto what we wrote and not our words at all. obviously we cannot even defend ourselves publicly to refute these malicious claims without picking over detail and i think no one thinks it would be appropriate or right to do this as both the first email and our response have details of …. This has left space for others to twist and turn and lie about what we originally wrote.

Im not saying you should agree with what we wrote or our intervention but seriously these lies about what happened are more than malicious and completely untrue. equally as for the claims that we were were hiding behind anonymity  -  we went to BOTH follow up meetings after we wrote the letter and everyone knew who we were -  we also agreed to go to a third meeting but that never happened .... the only reason people have my name now is because i went to a meeting and made myself known like everyone else. i hardly think this is hiding ...

---

i want you to understand the effect this has had on me not just in the last month or so but over the last few years as well.

firstly i had so much self doubt to the point that i felt that i WAS a victim blaming rape apologist and that what we had written was of that effect. I had to read and re read what we wrote over a couple of hundred times ( and that is not an exaggeration )  -  i have read it over and over to try and understand peoples accusations...finally in desperation I showed it privately to (redacted) who were not part of writing the original statement -  from (redacted) to  (redacted)  - i showed it to very smart and honest people-  EVERYBODY was fucking shocked at the way what we wrote had been interpreted. It is only with the most decontextualised and ungenerous reading of about one line that you could move to a victim blaming reading...... this response /  projection is complete gas lighting and really hurtful and dangerous. ( esp for me as i have pretty serious mental health issues)

over the last weeks, basically after K wrote her piece, i repeatedly felt suicidal and got very very ill... al had to take time off to stay with me and look after me. I couldnt walk i couldnt eat and i couldnt sleep. i was completely haunted by the trial by social media ( i actually still am). and the very malicious smears against me and the others. I basically had a complete breakdown and had to be put in touch with a crisis mental health team and was very close to hospitalization.... and although i am on the mend now i am very far from being well and am dosed up to the eyeballs on meds and still have very low days. this has had an extreme impact on me.

Im not sure if you know this but i lost my father at the beginning on this year.... its really been the year from hell. I was just starting to recover from his death and then this stuff comes up and was the final straw and knocked me sideways...

many people of twiiter who tweet about this like its a fucking sport know not only that i lost my dad this year but that i have stress triggered mental health problems... this doesnt seem to stop them from massively false and malicious tweets. I have had PERSONAL abuse from R and there are a lot of men who have taken a delight in taking a stand against me ( victim blaming rape appologist ) and think its fine to stick my name on a blog and spread lies about me ( obviously i deserve it).....

to get proof of who was saying what I literally had to witness my own online abuse in real time as a live twitter feed -  i had to screen grab the lot before people could deny or delete what they were saying or block me - please try to imagine what its like to photograph your own abuse as spectacle on twitter. ....

anyway i have proof of a lot of what and who has been saying what now...

----

to be honest im not even telling you the half of what has gone on , on the impact this has had on me and others and of how upset i am by the sheer dishonesty, cruelty and sadistic abuse that has happened. ontop of that no one says anything and people like RA-D, M and NBa and P go on as if nothing has happened.

---

i know you havent joined in in any of this and you didnt ask for it to happen. I have to be honest with you though -  neither you , JB, SB, or MC [the accountability panel] have ever said anything and this really hurts. you were all part of the original group who wrote the letter and tried to sort things out.... no one has said anything and it has spiralled to the point that it has.... you all have been able to walk away.... it was very hard to have you bounce up to me at the demo and be surprised that i was not ok or ask why i was not ok.....

i am basically known on twitter as a rape appologist for things i haven’t done and haven’t said. have another look at what was written   - we never disputed what [REDACTED]  said once -  we criticised the process as we said we didn’t think things were being dealt with in a serious or appropriate way -  we NEVER disputed what she said or said it was her fault and we always said that it needed to be dealt with... its written in the statement which im sure you still have..

i dont really know why im writing this... i know you disagree with what we wrote  - i disagree with what was originally written  - but never did i think you were coming from a bad place -  i know you were trying to do the right thing.... i feel like people assumed the very very worst of me and others and that it is grossly ungenerous and now is dishonest and cruel.

i dont know what to say really - im still not ok about any of this and now every time i go on social media or to a demo I must wonder if i must see people like RA-D. NBa etc acting like nothing bad has happened, acting like they are not abusive and dishonest and that there will be no repercussion for how they have treated me and others.

— ( screen grabs sent including death threat screen grab)

i have plenty more screen grabs that just a very very small selection..

(redacted)

if you think about it " pls remind me who im missing out"

he purposely left my name out ( he knew i was part of b10 ) then asked people to remind him of my name in the  separate next tweet ... please run that around in your head and think about what that means and why he did that... he takes a massive pleasure in being purposely abusive to me personally... its a fucking sport to him..... and no body said anything.

———

sorry to keep emailing  -  only to say i probably have left my flat less than 15 times in the past two months /  two and half months since this has kicked off.... im basically non functional and i spent about a month uncontrollably weeping for most of the time i was awake... quite literally  -  u can ask anyone from a to DG or MH  to the crisis team or my dr -  who took it in turns looking after me during the worst parts of it.

that i have to put up with abusive men like RA-D or women like NBa and P ( because i deserve it for being a rape apologist ) is beyond a joke.

you know very little about my life and nor does anyone else - i have NOT had an easy life , the statistical chances of  me being relatively sane , functional and with a good post grad education are much less than 1 percent.

and now i have to put up with a bunch of very well educated privileged student activists who I know to have high comprehension and reading skills fucking lying about what i/others have written and done is a fucking joke.

and that they purport to do this in the name of countering gendered structural violence is a fucking disgrace.

JM    11/29/14    to SC

Hey S,

I had no idea it had gotten this bad and that it was ongoing.

DG mentioned some of this to me a few weeks ago but but then I had only seen a small amount of the backlash on M's facebook wall, which is what I responded to. It seemed like it had flared up around K's post but was beginning to die down. I don't use twitter that much, partly because of the irritating dogmatism and pernicious attitudes it seems to produce (case in point), so I hadn't seen any of the stuff on there. I either don't follow, don't know, or have stopped following the people you mentioned and have generally distanced myself from a lot of the left-crowd in the past year for a number of reasons - but partly because I find the language and mentality which seems to have developed so off-putting that I no longer feel a part of the same discourse - the result is that I'm perhaps more out of the loop than you were aware.

Whatever type of anarchism it is that justifies this kind of behaviour I don't want any part of, and can't think of anything more willfully destructive than posting people's names on the internet or threatening people with violence. I can understand why [REDACTED] is angry about what happened but I can't for the life of me understand how this will help anything beyond a misplaced desire for arbitrary retribution.

You know my feelings about what was written, but as far as I'm concerned it is in the past. I'm sure that if we could go back in time everybody would have gone about things differently on all sides. What matters to me is where people's heart is - I have no doubt whatsoever that people like yourself and MH are good people with the best intentions. I wouldn't maintain the fondness I hold for both of you if I didn't. JBR and some of the others I'm less sure about - there are some good parts to him, but I don't trust him enough to be as close as I once was; being polemic or 'critical' often seems more important to him than generosity of spirit, and he can consequently be quite nasty to people with very little reason. He is far better at sowing division than anything else. I think RB is a good man but sometimes lets his friendship with JB cloud his judgement, as it did mine at points in the past. I certainly don't harbour ill will towards him, even if I felt initially hurt by him, and I'm sad we're not as close to each other because of all this stuff - I feel like I lost an important friend. I haven't come across RL in the past few years but I'd like to hope we'd be able to clear the air one day if we did cross paths. I've never had any reason to doubt she's a lovely person who got caught up in an extremely difficult situation and any hostility she expressed was an understandable product of that.

As for now, I don't think anybody has any answers to this stuff and if we're going to come up with anything of meaning or value it will require thinking through the kind of criticisms K made in her post, many of which are inarguable. At the same time we can't just ignore issues when they arise for the sake of convenience. Unfortunately the political climate seems completely anathema to learning anything productive from what has happened and looks to bully people (how much easier) on social media instead - hence my increasing sense of frustration with the 'scene' and my desire to become more distant from it.

I haven't been staying silent because I'm okay with what's happening - I simply haven't encountered it except on M’s facebook wall, where I intervened accordingly. If this starts to happen again send me a message and I will offer whatever weight I have as someone who criticised the original statement. I'm wary of putting something up out of the blue lest it simply stir the whole thing up again, but if others are doing that anyway let me know.

I hope you're doing okay.  if you want to have a drink and chat about any of this or life generally just drop me a line.

J x

Correspondence between SC and JM (a member of the accountability panel), April 2015

to JM

and are any other accountability group members coming to the meeting?

JM    4/26/15    to sc

Yep that's fine for me - as to the others I don't know, I prodded them the other week but no one replied. I think I'm right in saying that no one was opposed to talking on principle but that there were reservations about it being a larger meeting, what the objective was, how it might be framed etc. If we're going with the 6th then I'll send a message and see what they say.

SC    4/26/15    to JM

no one is going to frame anything .i have always been open with you about my thoughts on this...i think its better for all of us that other people, who are wise and have good politics esp gender politics... are there to advise us all.... i would like people to stop abusing me for stuff i havent done, written , said thought, think etc.. i dont think its a big ask for the group to come considering they were at the heart of the process. i know none of them have been abusive towards me... however they were intitated a process that has become way out of control...i think people need to face up to what has and is happening in an honest way. as i have said many times i have evidence of people smearing me and abuseing me online. there is a very male core to alot of this abuse. i need to make this stop. my endurance for this has run out and its making me exreamly ill. please communicate to the the seriousness of this situation.

and apart from myself i ( unlike all the liars say) worry a great deal about [REDACTED]..I am totally unable to approach her to try and get aid with resolution for her, which she clearly needs.

basically JM i am not despite what many people write about me online , some type of evil bastard and neither is anyone else. the way we have been and are being treated is unjustifiable and it needs to stop, be confronted and people need to take responsibilty for their actions. i am sick of being hounded online and being villified to a large invisible audience. i am sick of people justifying their abuse cos they think i deserve it. - that actually is victim blaming and it needs to stop.

SC     4/26/15    to JM

i have a folder with 6 months worth of abuse  -  which is about 300 tweets, thats is just a tiny tiny percentage of what has been going on. within this folder i have a sub folder of people joking about putting me in a black bin liner, stabbing me, glassing me and saying that i should be killed.  when are people going to wake up?? i am a real person, this has a real imapct on me.  i suffer real mental health issues, which are classed as a severe disability. do u understand that if i have a sever breakdown i have zero garentee of " coming out" of a psycotic state? have you any idea what it is like to live with that thought?

how can i get this into peoples heads here??? i have STRESS TRIGGERED PSYCOSIS. -  i cant really understand how this cannot at least move people to take some kind of action? or is it that they think that cos i am a " victim blamer" ( which i am not ) that i should just suffer the abuse that i am receiving?

do they need doctors notes? i have access to 18 years worth. i am not making my health problems up....

SC     4/26/15    to JM

do u realise that this is not going to go away? i cant live like this.

they cant justify their abuse. because thats what it is.

SC     4/26/15    to JM

i hope that all of you in the accountability group will stop  not see this as an attack on you all and start to face up to what is actually going on here. i incuded people like np, tz and dg on the list becuase i am hopeing that you might talk with them and listen to them about this, you all clearly have zero respect for me and dont believe me.. but myabe you will listen to them? some other perspectives?

JM     4/27/15    to SC

I don't think I've given you any reason to feel I have zero respect for you, Sophie, or the others. I'm coming to the meeting - I'm just relating as best I can what other people feel. I understand their caution, and I can't force them to do anything. I will say that I worry about seeing me or the others as the solution to this - ultimately it isn't coming from us, and none of us share personal relationships or even a political outlook any more with the people involved. To me this is exactly the problem with abandoning the notion of being part of a community with obligations to each other, and what happens if there's no process in place that can bring closure to a problem - which takes us back to the original disagreements I suppose. This was an issue whether anyone wanted to address it or not.

SC     4/27/15    to JM

No one expects any forcing. Some of those in the accountability group are pretty close to some extremely abuseive people. I find it abhorrent. Maybe JB MC Sb etc might well talk to them off social media?  I don't know really. It seems odd that a group of people who used to be my friends and who profess to want to deal with gendered violence just shrug their shoulders and say this is a consequence of what u wrote. Or something similar. I have pointed out a number of times how what we wrote has been undeniably and maliciously distorted - and then this distortion used as a pretext for abuse. I m not the only person who think this, I have shown the text to NP, MV, TZ,  DG and other people I trust and asked them to read it for the things that we all have been accused of, (redacted) and said that I would apologies if it had blamed her, I lost complete trust in my own capacity to have faith in my own motivations and actions. That is actually gas lighting. Ikon wits not coming from u ( well I actually have at least one horrible grab from SB) but a lot of it is coming fro. People who were on that list or went to the meetings. Plenty people are making excuses for all this is more than shocking... It's like some bastard of Lord of the flies and the Salam witch trails on acid. I have men beating up on me online for things they know I haven't said. And even if I had said them it would still be unjustifiable.

SC     4/27/15    to JM

JM I'm sorry I'm a 35 year old working class woman with severe mental health problems. I was (redacted) and had (redacted). Before I went to university, at 25 my life was spent in (redacted) institutions and women's (redacted). Against statistical odds of probably less than one percent I have a post grad and had hoped to do a PhD. My life was for the first time on 30 years starting to settle. This is ruining me. It's making me ill. I have these disgusting middle class pricks hounding me online for sport and cred. I'm not MH and I'm not JBR and this b10 stuff does not play out in an equal way for us all. For me it is extreeamly traumatic due to who I am and the life that I have lived. As I told you it's making me ill, I am extreeamly lucky I haven't ended up in hospital. Please take time to get educate yourself about schizo effective effective disorder and its relationship to stress.

I hope that the other accountability group people will come to the meeting and stop being complicit and cowardly.

SC     4/27/15    to JM

I am hoping for some type of collective process or intervention. If this doesn't happen I am forced to take matters into my own hands alone to stop people abuseing me.

JM     4/27/15    to SC

I think it's best I just relate the things you're saying to me directly to the others because, as I've said, I'm coming to the meeting.

Are you alright with that, and if so, is there anything from this thread you'd want me not to pass on?

JM     4/27/15    to SC

to be clear I mean just c/ping the above so they can hear it themselves and decide accordingly. I don't think I can be any more use as a go-between now

SC     4/27/15    to JM

If you think it will help I suppose you should. Please do not copy sections but the whole exchange. I feel angry that I am I a position where I must disclose the shit life I have lived. And which still makes me feel a great deal of shame. At least maybe I won't have to go over it in A meeting publicly.

If I find that anyone had forwarded my email exchange beyond people who were in the accountability group I will be more than angry. Equally if it is subject to gossip or distortion on or off social media and I shall be more than upsset.

Thanks for trying to help.

Correspondence between SC and ZB (who had acted as a representative of [REDACTED] during the accountability meetings), October 2014

HI ZB,

I am writing to you as I have been told by people that we have in common and that i trust that you are solid feminist with good politics. I will try to keep this brief. i am not sure how much you are aware of what has been going on recently and for years. I do not have the energy to go over all of it.

The situation cannot go on as it is. I am getting very ill, I have sever stress triggered schizoaffective disorder. I have lost my father this year too. I have comrades and my partner caring for me, so don't worry about that.

I am worried about  [REDACTED]. ( not [person with same initials] the other one )

here are some of her tweets, i have a million more, this is a random selection. I have seen worse.

— ( screen grabs of [REDACTED] and other actors)

there are a lot of lies being peddled here. Of course i would be extremely angry too i if i thought anyone had denied my suffering and my experience, victim blamed and asked me to evidence it. ( actually the position that i am in now )

there are a network of actors here, between me and you and her, who have deliberately falsified what we originally wrote and did and have done since.  I think they do this to make a political point and to normalize a certain political practice. They can all read well. Im sure a;lot of them have read the original text that was written  ( i have attached it here along with my own writing ).

The ONLY reason myself and others have not defended ourselves in a public way is because we am worried about [REDACTED] safety and sanity . I cannot be a punch bag for these people. they are not her friends/ comrades either and not helping her at all. I feel she needs support but i cannot approach her.

There are a host of people getting a lot of pleasure out of all of this. I have screen grabs of the lot. in amongst them hide some very abusive men.  I have hard evidence of men abusing me on twitter and using [REDACTED]’s trauma as an excuse to do so. there are a bunch of women too who have played a very big part in escalating this to the situation as it currently manifests. I have had to  witness all  abuse play out as a spectacle on twitter.  I have ( had to ) screen grabbed the lot.

I am not asking help with anything other than a good support network for her. I feel that she is surrounded by some very dubious people, with bad politics and ethics.  People who call themselves feminists and communists, who are so far away from that its unreal.

I am sorry to pull you into this but i am worried that lives are at risk. i know you have just had a baby ( congratulations) and i imagine you are time short and tired. If you can think of any thing that might help please let me know.

Solidarity,

SC

ZB    10/13/14    To SC

Hi S. I will use the form on the tumblr to ask for it to be taken down. I don't know who is running it, I was only aware of it after A told me about it yesterday. I have no reason to think that whoever is behind it will listen to me but I will message them.

I have not seen [REDACTED] for almost a year, nor am I able to spend much time on anything political at present as I'm heavily pregnant. Beyond messaging the blog post there isn't anything else I can do at present.

ZB

SC     10/13/14    to ZB

Ok thanks for writting back. I worry for [REDACTED] I really do . Her identity seems very invested in all of this persecution and lies. I don't know how aware she really is in all of this or how much she has been gas lit by others. I am sure you can read and I  sure you can see that we never blamed her nor ignored or denied that it happened or her trauma. We disagreed and intervened  in all of it that is for sure  - we disagreed with how the process was manifesting. but none of us have ever bullied her denied that it happened or asked her for more proof or any of those vicious claims that are currently circulating .

Anyway thanks for your solidarity and for writing to the blog. I wish you luck with your pregnancy. X

Sent with one hand

4. Correspondence with an email list including JM from accountability panel, March 2015. This correspondence took place around DG’s banning from Goldsmiths Occupation. DG was not part of B10.

SC to List

sorry but this is not going away..  -  an argument about safer spaces - will NOT sort this out!

this is too much bs, i need some support i want to confront this its a pack of fucking lies i am sick to my teeth of this.. i want to call it...it absolutely needs to stop and be put right.

J M - YOU WERE IN THE ACCOUNTABILITY GROUP WHICH HAS BEEN COMPLETELY QUIET.!!!.... you need to meet with me and others and this needs to stop! im AM SICK of people spreading lies about me and others and abusing ME AND MY COMRADES on the web for things that were not said and done! I do not give 2 fucks about what any1 thinks the b10's intentions were.... i know what we wrote and what was said in the meetings after.. i also have a ton of screen grabs about all the malicious lies been spread about us...

i have cc'd Ad. into this who has been purged from SF. i hope he will help us sort this out. MB and U and J all vouch for him.

i CANNOT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE. IT NEEEDS TO BE PUT TO REST!

MB     3/28/15    to SC, kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.

Fucking right!

Apparently people have walked out of the occupation due to this, it wasn't democratically agreed upon at all. the occupation statement and the people behind it are fucking idiots.

JM [accountability panel]    3/28/15    to SC, kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.

Oh for fucks sake.

Alright, I've replied with this for now.

"I don't know where you have got your information from but as someone who was involved in trying to address the situation you're referring to I want to make it absolutely clear that DG had nothing to do with the B10 statement, and was nothing but helpful to me and others throughout the process. I can't see how suggestions to the contrary can be justified. Banning him or anyone else from giving talks runs counter to everything that was trying to be achieved at that time. For people with no knowledge of what you're referring to it also reads like an extremely serious implication about DG. Please don't put out statements like this without contacting people who actually know about the circumstances, and respect the spirit of their intentions. Get in touch with me or anyone else who was involved if you want to talk about this more, but I strongly suggest you remove this statement and cease implying falsehoods about DG, whether you want him to speak at Goldsmiths or not."

SC - I can only respond to what I see, and have done so when directed to obvious bullshit like this.

AP     3/28/15    to SC, kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.

Authoring the thing 'Bloomsbury 10' was so ridiculously stupid. It just sounds so ominous for anyone who hasn't a clue what this is about. I think those involved who havent come forward and defended themselves in writing should probably reconsider as this obviously isnt going away.

SC     3/28/15    to kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.  AK

All, JM,

I really do appreciate that you have made a clarification about DG.. however this for me does not cut it at all as it does NOT address the false claim against b10.

to go over this again, the claims are based on the letter that we wrote to the email list, which i attach again, with my underlined parts.

the claims that are made against us that i have screen grabs of, are :

- we victimed blamed and are rape appologists

- that we harrassed [REDACTED] and made her life hell in the ensuing years

- that we hid under a cloak of anonimity - ( WE WENT TO 2 FOLLOW UP MEETINGS in the following week -  making it obvious who we were and what we wrote)

- that was said she was lying /  making it up /  said it was her fault

PLEASE READ WHAT WAS ACTUALLY WRITTEN ON THE STATEMENT!!!!!!  IT IS ATTACHED!!!!!

to make this really clear pls read what i wrote in another p[rivate email to a member of sf earlier this month in regards to this letter:

----

I am prepared to take responsibility and argue over the contents of a letter i help write, discuss what it means, and the impact of it and its context... i am not prepared to accept falsifications of what was written, nor projections onto it by others of any inherent meaning or imagined bad motivation or intention.......

for example, i think a reading that is used to justify a lot of the victim blaming label attached to me ( and others ) in relation to the letter ( which after all started all this off more or less)  logically works like this:

the first move is to take a single paragraph out of the context of the whole document ( i mean the paragraph that mentions the accountability panels omission of the discussion of knife play - i think this section is what cause most but not all of the accusations of rape apologia and victim blaming etc)

the second move is then  to do two things with the de-contextualized paragraph:

1) make it stand it and negate every other written word on the b10 letter

2) and importantly then make the following argument:

something like ".. any mention of the context of the knife is TANTAMOUNT TO VICTIM BLAMING...." ... the claim is, the context of the knife is both irrelevant and at the same time any mention of it would only (be to) discredit her account...

er hello???? why do THEY think it discredits her account... (this is not what we ever said..we did however write that we fully acknowledge her account, this it needed serious responses which had already started, wanted dialogue and a different way of dealing with /  you can read those sections i have highlighted them)..  ..... this last move.. ( the context is discrediting) is their ( very troubling) projection onto what was intended, meant written, etc etc

im sure you see my point.

please think about the logic of that move....it is very odd and dubious....

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the accountability panel were criticised. NOT [REDACTED]!

when is this going to be put to rest..... THE ACCOUNTABILITY PANEL have said NOTHING.. for 3 years!!!!!! THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR.

you and others may disagree with me  / b10 questioning and disrupting the process. BUT NOT BY FALSIFYING WHAT WAS WRITTEN>

I have had to put up with 3 YEARS of gaslighting me, having "anarchist" men abusing me personally, of being doxed online. I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. THIS HAS TO STOP> THIS IS NOT A SAVE DG’s REP CAMPAIGN>

i want a meeting with you JM JB MCe and SB and TJ [all the members of the original accountability panel] and you were ALL in the process and have said NOTHING ABOUT ANY OF THE FUCKING LIES AND ABUSE BEING LEVELED AT ME AND OTHERS.

i am sick of this its BULLSHIT.

i spent 4 years of my fucking life in a (redacted)l. i have a locked and hidden social media account FOR A REASON. I WANT THIS SORTED OUT AND THE TUMBLR DOWN.