#as sometimes we all get

[kickassfu]

i am fully on the I hate myself train today (for a while now, but let's pretend) and you know what. it's not fun.

I was just gonna make a lil "i hate myself :)" post but then (because i am lucky and loved) i know someone would probably reply and try to make me feel better.

which they still might (please don't, i'm ok, i just need to let my feelings out)

and it's like i know tumblr isn't actually my journal, and i know that i'm actually not screaming into a void (ppl can see this lol) but sometimes that's just what i want it to be. me screaming into a void.

me working through my shit, and that shit getting lost in the ocean to be taken far, far away.

i don't wanna be coddled, i don't want people to mention it, i just want this to wash away.

so yeah, i hate myself and that's ok for now

#pls ignore this #i am fine #just in a funk #as i sometimes get #as sometimes we all get #if i needed to talk to someone about it i'd go do it #promise #and i'm lucky to have yall #the ones that worry about me so often #and i appreciate yall #but its ok #i'm ok #just let it pass you by #thanks ly

[secondbeatsongs]

for anyone too young to know this: watching The Truman Show is a vastly different experience now, compared to how it was before youtube and social media influencers became normal

before it was like, "what a horrifying thing to do to a human being! to take away their autonomy and privacy, all for the sake of profits! to create fake scenarios for them to react to, just to retain viewership! to ruin their happiness just so some corporate entity could harvest money from their very humanity! how could anyone do something so evil?"

and now it's like, "ah, yeah. this is still deeply fucked up, but it's pretty much what every influencer has been doing to their kids for a decade now. probably bad that we've normalized this experience"

#the truman show #sbs rambles #I keep thinking about how children on popular youtube channels should probably have laws to protect them #social workers assigned to them maybe #I dunno #they did not sign up to have their lives sold for profit #but here we are #tho #I guess none of us signed up for it #and our data is harvested more than ever #god #high-tech capitalism sucks turns out #OH WAIT because tumblr is bad at getting context sometimes #let me specify: #I am not saying that the movie The Truman Show is bad or that it normalizes this #like all good sci-fi (because it is kind of sci-fi) it's there to warn us of what the future could hold #and it did that in a very good way - it's a beautiful movie #I could see someone with a bad faith take assuming I meant that it was part of the problem #it absolutely wasn't. it didn't normalize this; we did #youtube did and social media #it's us that's the problem #or more specifically: big corporations and a lack of regulation #that's the origin of most modern problems

[inkskinned]

probably time for this story i guess but when i was a kid there was a summer that my brother was really into making smoothies and milkshakes. part of this was that we didn't have AC and couldn't afford to run fans all day so it was kind of important to get good at making Cool Down Concoctions.

we also had a patch of mint, and he had two impressionable little sisters who had the attitude of "fuck it, might as well."

at one point, for fun, this 16 year old boy with a dream in his eye and scientific fervor in heart just wanted to see how far one could push the idea of "vanilla mint smoothie". how much vanilla extract and how much mint can go into a blender before it truly is inedible.

the answer is 3 cups of vanilla extract, 1/2 cup milk alternative, and about 50 sprigs (not leaves, whole spring) of mint. add ice and the courage of a child. idk, it was summer and we were bored.

the word i would use to describe the feeling of drinking it would maybe be "violent" or perhaps, like. "triangular." my nose felt pristine. inhaling following the first sip was like trying to sculpt a new face. i was ensconced in a mesh of horror. it was something beyond taste. for years after, i assumed those commercials that said "this is how it feels to chew five gum" were referencing the exact experience of this singular viscous smoothie.

what's worse is that we knew our mother would hate that we wasted so much vanilla extract. so we had to make it worth it. we had to actually finish the drink. it wasn't "wasting" it if we actually drank it, right? we huddled around outside in the blistering sun, gagging and passing around a single green potion, shivering with disgust. each sip was transcendent, but in a sort of non-euclidean way. i think this is where i lost my binary gender. it eroded certain parts of me in an acidic gut ecology collapse.

here's the thing about love and trust: the next day my brother made a different shake, and i drank it without complaint. it's been like 15 years. he's now a genuinely skilled cook. sometimes one of the three of us will fuck up in the kitchen or find something horrible or make a terrible smoothie mistake and then we pass it to each other, single potion bottle, and we say try it it's delicious. it always smells disgusting. and then, cerimonious, we drink it together. because that's what family does.

#this is true #writeblr #warm up #relatedly for some reason one of our Favorite Jokes #amongst the Siblings #is like - ''this is so good u will love it'' #while we are reacting to something we OBVIOUSLY find viscerally disgusting #like we will be actively retching and be like ''nooooo it's so good'' #to the point that i sometimes get nervous if someone outside my family is like oh u should try it its good #(obvi we never force each other to eat anything. we are all just curious birds and #like. we're GONNA try the new thing.) #edit to answer why we had so much vanilla: #my mom is a very good cook and we LOVE to bake. so she just had a lot of staples in the house. #it's one of those things that's like. have u ever continuously thought ''ah i should get butter im probably out'' #even tho u are not out of butter. so u end up with like 5 years of butter. #my mom would do that in a costco but like with vanilla extract #to be fair we WERE always using WAY TOO MUCH bc we were kids #so like she was right to stock up #ps. yes we were VERY sick after this lol i just didn't want to include it in the post in case ppl had an ick about that #u can tell it's real bc we knew "oh no we fucked up that's too much vanilla to waste'' but our reaction was to just. keep drinking it #> sibling understanding that vanilla extract isn't free > knowledge mother doesnt mind if we use it for milkshakes #> sibling choice to maybe get in a loophole of ''not wasting it'' if we drink it bc that's the same as using it (not throwing it out) #listen bud i was like 13 and my sister was like 9 #when my mom discovered this we. got in. A LOT. of trouble. a lot of it. a LOT of it. #3rd edit bc i guess it isn't clear - i am 1 of my brother's 2 little sisters #i am the middle child #out of all the ways i have had to explain a post before being like ''did u forget a middle child can happen'' is my favorite

[birdmenmanga]

I think there's no greater indication that disco elysium is sympathetic towards communism when it literally says "communism is failure" and then the literal gameplay itself rewards trying and failing. The most obvious one being the Shivers check at the FELD mural, which is an Impossible 20 check BUT opens itself up again and again the longer you spend in the world doing things, but even just looking at sheer probabilities, for any given white check, rolling first and THEN putting a point into that skill upon failure is more likely to grant you success than putting a point first and then rolling, but that would require failing first.

Other things too: Precarious world saying you'll 100% fail red checks no matter what (not necessarily a bad thing, btw!! throwing the boule into the sea is a success but like. in some other ways one would want a perfect petanque throw instead. but people wouldn't typically assume that failure is desirable sometimes from the start) persuading you to accept that you'll fail some things that is irrevocable, for a world where everything is just a tiny bit easier.

The faux game over screen when you faint after reading Dora's letter— emulating a sense of failure on the scale of the entire game. When it rolls up most people go "What?? Game over?? No way, what did I do wrong!!" and waking up after that, with no huge or lasting impact on Harry's health or morale really tells the player, "Sometimes things will seem so bad that it all seems like it's coming to an end, but it's not the end, it's really not the end, go drink so water, you can still go on despite this failure"

I'm sure there are other things as well that are eluding me but like. The literal gameplay rewards failing and succeeding far more so than simply succeeding every single time, and I think you get a fuller experience of Elysium that way too

#just thinking thoughts... #disco elysium #idk man when did we get so scared of failing!! #people never want to speak in class because 'what if I'm wrong :(((' #well then you are wrong... that is okay... it's normal to fail... sometimes saying the wrong thing is a great way to jumpstart a topic... #'getting a good grade in X is both normal to want and possible to achieve' #okay sure but have you made peace with the fact that getting a BAD grade in X isn't a bad thing? #a bad grade in being friends... okay... so you didn't check up on someone in 3 months... you failed... that's fine... #you can learn from it!! you can learn how to keep in touch with people. how to take care of them when they're sick. #how to resolve a dispute. how to communicate and compromise. these are all things you are not born with #and will fail first before succeeding at #Like yes I get that in the age of surveillance your failures may be recorded and preserved forever and that's not great #but if we don't normalize failure I really think we'll just suffocate and die

[uncanny-tranny]

Amatonormativity has destroyed so many people's understanding and acceptance of themselves, and it's heartbreaking.

Yes, it is normal to be in your 20s, 30s, or older and not have lost your virginity, had a first kiss, or a partner. It is normal to say that you aren't ready for those things, too! It is normal if your life doesn't follow the "college graduate -> engagement -> buying a home -> 2.5 kids and a dog" trajectory that so many people have idealized.

So many people associate maturity with losing your virginity, or having a first kiss, or a serious relationship, and I think that's a dangerous association. Maturity isn't gained through those things, and you don't have to have those experiences to be considered "mature" or "grown." It is not a bad thing to go at your pace. Nobody else can live your life but you. If you end up having those experiences, that's great! But it should be done because you want to experience them, not because you feel "broken" and "immature" without them.

#amatonormativity #ask to tag (genuine) #i honestly *wish* conversations like this were things i was exposed to when i was younger... #...maybe then i'd've felt less of a need to surpress my aromanticism and asexuality... #...the feeling of brokenness still trails behind me sometimes because so many of us are taught that this all WILL happen... #...we WILL fall in love. we WILL have a nuclear family. we WILL be satisfied with this... #...and that this is the IDEAL for cishet patriarchal structures... #...and that /any/ deviation to the SLIGHTEST degree is that fault of the *individual*. who WOULDN'T want this life? #there's this idea like i said that maturity is gained as you almost... adhere to expectations... #...and that's genuinely dangerous to associate maturity with that and i hope you can fill in those gaps because it can get dark fast

[obsob]

once more around the sun!! :3

#mine #cats #happy new year!!! a little late but alas #i didnt like th colours here but now i love them hehehehehheheh #i hope everyone had a good holidays life development for me is i now like ice hockey #in my sports fan era...these greasy sweaty bloody white men...intrigue me #also i got a new diary!! im using th hobonichi cousin in kinda alarmed by it ngl a5 is a lot of space to fill #i tried the hobonichi techo a couple years ago n found it a rlly weird size 2 work in but now.........big page scawwy #im trying not 2 b too insane about it . like relax who cares #if i do cute spreads i will share them :3 #also in th same vein im not setting a book goal this year !! tbh i surpassed my goal last year by a lot and wasnt stressed about it at All #but i get so guilty about not reading sometimes like girl . guilty to who? god? are we catholic now? get a grip #anyway anway im going to toot on my flute and then eat my weight in mac n cheese #love how i had to get a new cork in my flute bc i didnt play for like 10 months n th guy was like play regularly! n i was like yeh will do! #and then did not do that #alas...time escapes me

[fungi-maestro]

Happy tdov to fat trans people. 🏳️‍⚧️ Biggest thing that helped me as a trans kid was seeing older fat trans people. There were a lot of really irritating "advice" posts going around early in my time on the internet with a lot of misinformation in them, but one that I constantly saw (in addition to people claiming you should wear your pants rediculously low or only wear button ups) were posts saying you had to lose weight to transition. Can confidently confirm that is completely untrue. 👍

#seal.txt #tdov #that 'sky and mike' image of the two old trans dudes hugging was one that I had saved to my phone as a trans teen #and i would look at it sometimes and just wonder how they had made it #idk its just nice knowing we live that long and its not a requirement to be skinnyin order to be respected and loved and get old #some of the old 'advice' posts i saw were really completely bizarre and a lot of them stick with me to this day in insecurities #this would have been 2016 ish tumblr so i know not that long ago but i would have been around 13 for reference #weird that i remember so many of the things i read back then. i could probably fill a post with things i was misinformed on due to Tumblr #specifically tumblrs run by people that i didnt really have the knowledge or awareness to understand probably didnt have my best interests #like 'trans rights ' blogs i would follow and not notice until much later were quite the opposite #this is the consequence of viewing social media before i knew all the secret codewords and my brain was much less developed than it is now

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Happy Year of the Dragon!

#non mdzs #lunar new year #digital art #Still struggling with figuring out digital art stuff but I’m getting there #The year of the rabbit really was a special and lucky one for me. Maybe because sometimes it is also the year of the cat. #The energy of the rabbit might not be with me but I hope to have the wisdom of the dragon leading my days #This week is going to be filled with a lot of sappiness so I won't go into yet. #But thank you to everyone for making me feel less anxious and afraid with all the kindness you have shown me. #I have become somewhat domesticated now. I will sniff your hand if there is a treat in it. Maybe blink slowly at you from a distance. #HAVE A WONDERFUL LUNAR NEW YEAR EVERONE! We are all gonna do great B*)

[aliosne]

Saw a post about working class butches in physical labour jobs and wanted to make my own, so: I love you butches who do childcare or early education. I love you butch nurses. I love you butch house cleaners and janitorial staff. I love you service industry butches. I love you butches who do sex work. I love you working class butches who do “feminine” jobs you are cool as hell

#butch #lgbtqia #lesbian #its me im butches doing stereotypically feminine work #when I was nannying full time I kind of thought of it as I was doing Nanny Gender #like especially bc I wore mostly dresses then for practicality reasons #which gave me The Dysphorias but yeah. my way of navigating that was to get a little fluid with it. #also even tho they don’t get perceived as such: all of these jobs are as physically demanding as many ‘physical’ jobs #like girly at least when I worked in a warehouse/delivery bay I got to sit down #look I could probably think of a better term than ‘physical labour’ but like. you know what I mean. #anyway. sometimes you have those I am uncomfortable when we are not about me moments #and then you remember that you can just go talk about your experience

[egophiliac]

they're baaaaaack

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 6 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 6 spoilers #<- are we still tagging those? i don't know where en is #tagging basically just because it's college ortho #anyway HOLY CRAP THEY'RE BACK #TSUMSUTE 2: THE STACKENING #the disappointment at the lack of episode 7 news is tempered by my glee at the return of the most delightfully stupid event of all time #sometimes i think about how the characters were canonically visited by tiny stackable toy versions of themselves from another dimension #twice now! #it doesn't get any better than this #eyes #itty bitty little ominous eyes #look i know it's going to just be more charming shenanigans until the tsums abruptly ascend back to heaven(?) until they're needed again #but if they decided to do like. a tsum slasher flick parody. i would lose my entire goddamn mind #that's why we have fanart i guess

[tolicandco]

redrawing another screenshot because it's good practice and because I'm a merthur whore let's be honest

#merlin #bbc merlin #merthur #merlin x arthur #arthur pendragon #merlin emrys #once again do not seperate #the homosexual tension is strong with this one #you know I sometimes really hate bbc for the queerbaiting bullshit they pull #intentionally #we could've had something great #but alas #subtext is all we will get #ugh

[gunstellations]

a little family

#buddy daddies #my art #doodles #sometimes a family is an two misfit assassins and the daughter of the guy you offed and thats a okay #but lets not talk about that #we love healing in this house and how do you heal if not after suffering #reis journey through depression and kazukis journey through grief #what 1 little girl does to a man #its 5 am all i can offer are doodles but i love them very much #i know we do reasonably get to call them cowards for not making it gay (esp at the end bc come on) #but i do love whatever relationship they have going becuase theyre just. Thats marriage babe.... #theyre not going to be doing any dating with that committment that is the most domestic ass setting ive ever seen #everyone and their mother assumes theyre married/dating and doesnt even question it because theres NO QUESTION T O ASK #only the people involved apparently dont know theyre married #ok nvm they were cowards for not making it gay. but again. theyre clearly married your honor. theyre just a little stupid

[theoldkyokodied]

i am working on something bigger at the moment so i can only offer you these silly guys :) <3

Edit: DISCLAIMER: Before you decide to watch Re-Animator, make sure to check for content warnings, there is a scene that a lot of people choose to skip!

#Reanimator #danbert #dan cain #herbert west #Daniel Cain #herbert x dan #dan x herbert #Re-Animator #they are so silly :) #i love whenever herbert indulges in silly time :) sometimes a guy just has to have fun yknow #guy who is serious 97% of the time spending the 3% fun time twirling his boyfriend around #dipping him low and giving him a stupidly exaggerated kiss before it's time to get backto work dan. We don't have all day!! #the dead won't reanimate themselves smh #anyway love wins

[mayasaura]

so fucking funny to me when people talk about tlt setting like everyone in the whole society is sorted into being either a necromancer or a cavalier. like yes necromancy is an inborn trait. but cavalier? that's a wholeass job. that's a career. assigned butler at birth

#the locked tomb #to be clear this isn't vagueing aboht anyone's analysis essays or anything #this is about a kidfic that assigned necrocav roles to all the children #not even as pairs #just like. this baby is a necromancer and this baby is a cavalier #I think sometimes. we get so caught up in the gender analysis of it all we whiff on the class dynamic

[puppetmaster13u]

Prompt 117

Bruce does not enjoy magic. In fact he’s absolutely horrible at it, to the point it’s better that he avoids it in general. Getting thrown into some sort of summoning circle bullshit was not helping him feel any better about it either. 

At least he isn’t dead… probably. He might be surrounded by green and there might be a massive entity sitting on a throne, but he isn’t dead yet. Even if the cult had been rambling about sacrificing ‘the dark knight to the dark king’. 

… His kids are definitely going to kill him, but there are small children peeking out at him from within the being’s cape. Who seem happy enough, while the… king looks exhausted in a familiar way. Well. Maybe it’s his own parental exhaustion talking, but they can’t be too bad if their kids are happy to be there. 

#dcxdp #dpxdc #prompts #Pariah feeling someone sacrificing a human: Oh thank fuck some goddamn help- #Bruce is now Pariah’s & Clockwork’s buddy who babysits the lil godlings sometimes #They all get together sometimes to complain about their PTA rivals #Pariah is relieved for help in how to human for the half-human children’s sake #He takes up gardening to help with his control issues since he can make his gardens look however he like and obsess over making sure everyt #Clockwork and Alfred become tea and gossip buddies #Pariah: How will we get our half human children's human side taken care of #Why yes Bruce's kids did make fun of him when he came back with a couple of kids #They don't belive him at first when he explains he's just babysitting #Until the parents come to pick said children up #pariah dark x clockwork

[benevolenterrancy]

i really do love that lan wangji is secretly an enormous bitch to jiang cheng specifically it's seriously too funny

#don't worry he had all the pictures backed up of course #mdzs #lan wangji #lan zhan #jiang cheng #wangxian #the untamed #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #i think this is the second b99 quote i've pilfered for mdzs art #the art Did Not Turn Out this time but for some reason i could not make anything look good #so we get bad art today but the joke is exorcised from my system and sometimes that's all you can ask for #my art