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foxykatie425 · 2 months

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Jedi: Fallen Order - The Musical (Act 1)

Wait, hear me out…

Alright look, I am fully aware that trying to turn Jedi: Fallen Order into a musical is a dumb idea. I am fully aware that Star Wars in general would probably not benefit from the musical treatment. And I am fully aware that even when people hear me out, there’s not a single human on this earth that really cares or has interest in this idea. And honestly, why should they? It’s not even like I have songs to offer, because despite my music degree, I am a really lousy songwriter!

However, all that being said, I really enjoy the problem-solving challenges that come with adapting a story for a very different medium than originally intended! And when I get my stupid ideas, I want to share them and get them outta my head! So while I have a captive audience, I’m gonna share some of my main ideas for Act 1 of Jedi: Fallen Order - The Musical! If anybody actually cares to read, please like this post, leave comments, reblog or whatever so I can find my drive to finish writing out my main ideas for Act 2! (And if you are not interested in reading 4500 words of my incoherent brainstorming, go ahead and keep scrolling. I will not be offended!)

Act 1

To start the show off, I think it would be somewhat poignant if, at the end of the overture, a single light comes up on Cal and he says the line “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…” before immediately transitioning into Bracca.

I imagine the introduction to the scrappers guild to be a Newsies style dance number, although perhaps not quite as happy.

The opening scenes on Bracca need to lay the foundations for the audience: who were the Jedi? What happened to them? And what is the current state of the galaxy? We have to assume, to an extent, that the audience has no background knowledge of Star Wars.

We also need to establish Cal’s current state of mind- fearful and alone. His only goal is to stay alive. He doesn’t trust anyone, but at the same time he does have friends that he cares about, such as Prauf.

Speaking of Prauf, odds are he’d be adapted into a human or humanoid character for this show. There’s nothing saying his character has to be an Abednedo, and it would be a lot of work to turn an actor into this alien character when said character is killed very early on. The actor would likely join the ensemble for the remainder of the show.

Let’s talk about Cere. Not much about her character would need to change, but without video game restraints confining us to Cal’s perspective, it becomes easier to flesh out Cere’s character arc a bit more. We can have the chance to see inside her head, and we can also have one or two scenes where she has the stage to herself.

Cere’s backstory can also be expanded on. Not only would I have her tell the story of how she tried to lure the imperials away from Trilla a bit earlier in the narrative, I would also have the scene play out onstage from Cere’s perspective so the audience actually gets to see young Trilla (and it foreshadows later when we get to see the exact same scene from Trilla’s perspective). There could also be two or three scenes throughout the first act where we get to see more flashbacks of Cere being a master. Perhaps as she gives advice to Cal, she reflects on times she had to give the exact same advice to Trilla (which could also have the added side effect of making Cal and Trilla interesting foils to each other).

Now Greez you could portray on stage a few different ways. I probably wouldn’t turn him into a humanoid character like with Prauf, because 1) he’s in the show for a lot longer, and 2) if all of your main characters are human it makes it difficult to portray the setting as “a galaxy far, far away.” For an alien species that’s meant to be so short in stature, you could potentially do him as a puppet, kind of like the way Olaf is done in Frozen the Broadway Musical, but I’d probably lean away from that because with a story as serious as this one, some strong emotions could get lost in translation. More likely, I’d try to cast an actor who is shorter in stature (most likely not quite Greez sized, but we just suspend our disbelief) and give him some prosthetic makeup and an extra set of arms that can be puppeted to mimic his real arms. (You might also be able to create his short stature by having the actor on his knees, like Lord Farquaad in Shrek the Musical, but again, you start to risk turning the character into a joke.)

As far as Greez’s character arc, it unfortunately comes off as a bit of an afterthought in the game (aside from the Haxion Brood level) but there is a bit that can be expanded on. He started off accepting Cere’s charter in an effort to pay off his debts, but he eventually comes to believe in her and in her quest. It’s not highlighted very much in JFO because a lot of that growth happened before Cal came into the picture. The most we get to see is his underlying dislike for Cal at the beginning grow into respect and eventually care. In a stage show, his arc would still have to be secondary to Cere’s and especially Cal’s arc, but he could definitely be played as a Han Solo-type character who took a job for money that slowly comes to mean more to him.

You can’t have a Jedi game, or a Jedi musical, without Cal’s best buddy BD-1. Now being a droid, and a very small droid at that, BD-1 would be puppeted onstage by an actor in a similar style to the characters in Avenue Q or Finding Nemo: The Musical. I tend to imagine BD-1 being played by a petite young woman (namely, a dancer) but nothing says it has to be. Since BD-1 doesn’t speak English (sorry, Basic!) it would be a silent role with BD’s beeps and trills being produced by a soundboard, probably controlled by someone in the booth rather than by the actor. However, the actor would bring life to BD-1 through their motions and facial expressions. And despite being a non-speaking and non-singing role, I do imagine BD-1 being front and center in every dance number!

The puppet for BD-1 would need to be lightweight and maneuverable. Due to the distance between the stage and the audience, it would probably need to be larger in scale than BD-1 is necessarily meant to be. It could feature some color changing lights that would likely be controlled by the actor. The entire puppet would be independently controlled by the actor rather than being attached to Cal’s back, however there could also be another version of the puppet that could be strapped to Cal’s back for scenes where BD-1’s absence wouldn’t make sense but a lack of contribution to the scene would make the presence of the actor onstage somewhat awkward (for example, some more personal scenes between Cal and Merrin).

Next character to discuss is Eno Cordova. He would likely have about the same level of involvement as he did in the game, although some bits of his instructions may be altered somewhat to make his quest a little less of a wild goose chase. (I mean let’s be real, he coulda just said “you need an Astrium to unlock the vault, there’s one on Dathomir, go get it.”) He would probably not be a singing role, but he would be portrayed by an actor on the stage, with the hologram effect being achieved by simply highlighting him with a blue spotlight.

Okay, now we get to the bulk of the story and our three main planets: Zeffo, Kashyyyk, and Dathomir. There’s a lot to talk about with these three locations, both individually and collectively, but let’s start with set design. For any show that features as many different locations as this one, you’d be best to have a unit set that doesn’t move that can function as all of those locations. I imagine this show having a large set with several different levels of platforms (it is a “platforming” video game after all) and the primary visual indication that we’ve changed locations would be different colored lights illuminating the cyclorama, the white backdrop at the back of the stage. Likely the choice of color for each planet would match the color of each planet on the holomap in the game (green for Kashyyyk, red for Dathomir, etc). There can also be props brought onto the stage that help indicate a change of setting, such as bringing out Greez’s pilot chair when we return to the Mantis.

As I hinted at before, Cordova in the game basically sends Cal out on a wild goose chase. Yes it’s meant to test him, but ultimately the only one of those three planets where Cal actually retrieves something tangible he needs to complete his quest is Dathomir. Now that works for a video game where there’s things for the player to do along the way, but for a passive audience who is watching rather than participating in the story, there needs to be a better reason for Cal to go to each planet. That’s not to say that Cordova should give him all of the answers, but perhaps there is something that Cal needs to retrieve from each tomb. Perhaps the Astrium comes in three different pieces. Yes, there are two tombs on Zeffo and none on Kashyyyk, but Cordova was here first after all. He wasn’t going to put back whatever pieces he found, but he also didn’t get all of them because he found another Astrium somewhere. Cal knows this because he found that Astrium destroyed in the vault. So he goes to Zeffo and through the Tomb of Eilram only to find that Cordova already took the piece that was there. BD plays the recording where Cordova talks about Tarfull and Kashyyyk, leading Cal to believe Cordova left the piece there and that Tarfull would know where to find it. He goes to Kashyyyk and fights alongside the Partisans, but he is unable to find the piece without Tarfull’s help, so he will have to return when the Partisans find him. Out of other leads, Cal remembers Cordova saying something about Dathomir, so he decides to search there. When he reaches the Tomb of Kujet, he finds that he needs the other two pieces of the Astrium to enter so he can retrieve the third. (Because in this context we can’t really use game mechanics like double jumping as a reason for why we can’t continue.) At the same time, Cere hears about Project Auger being restarted, and they return to Zeffo to search for the Tomb of Miktrull. Beyond this, the sequence of events would largely follow the remainder of the game.

Zeffo would probably be the hardest of the three planets to adapt to the stage because, with the exception of Cal’s confrontation with Trilla, not much really happens there. Much of your time on Zeffo in the game is spent traversing the land and solving puzzles in the tombs, all of which is less than exciting for a passive audience. Some kind of story beats would need to be added to Cal’s time on Zeffo (especially the first visit) that makes up for all the combat and platforming that doesn’t really translate to the stage. The story of JFO already has the slight inconvenience of being largely concentrated in the second half of the game, while in most musicals the first act tends to be longer. (And the game provides a perfect built-in spot for an intermission when Cal gets captured by the Brood, so I don’t really want to change that either.) There aren’t a lot of people for Cal to meet on Zeffo, so you could create a new character(s) and give them their own little subplot, but that runs the risk of creating one too many plot lines for the audience to follow as well as having little impact on the overall story. So more likely you would use that time to teach the audience about the Zeffo and have constant communication between Cal and Cere.

Believe it or not, at one point I considered cutting Kashyyyk entirely. But it’s important to show the early stages of rebellion against the Empire and have Cal get a taste of fighting back. Plus, the Partisans create an opportunity for a pretty fun dance number! However, I probably would cut out Saw Gerrera, simply because the more iconic the character is, the harder it is to translate them to the stage. (Obviously we’re gonna run into that same problem with Darth Vader, but we’ll discuss that when we get there.) Instead, I’d probably single out Mari Kosan as the leader of this group of Partisans, but mention that she is working under Saw. The great thing about Mari is that she’s so minor a character in the game that she can be a completely different character in an adaptation. You might even call her a completely new character with only her name being borrowed from a background character in the game. In this sense, we’d get to see the extremist side of the Partisans through her actions rather than Saw’s, but probably not until Cal returns to Kashyyyk in Act 2. (Also, if it proved necessary for the narrative, you could get away with killing off Mari, something you couldn’t do with Saw.)

I talked about iconic characters not translating well to the stage. Well, let’s talk about Wookiees and Stormtroopers. We certainly can’t go to Kashyyyk without seeing some Wookiees, but we’d want to keep their stage presence to a minimum. Creating their look in a live setting, while certainly possible, is not necessarily easy, and it quickly runs the risk of appearing fake to the point of being distracting, thus breaking the audience’s suspension of disbelief. Stormtroopers, on the other hand, would be a very easy, iconic look to recreate. Too easy, in fact. Despite the fact that they tend to be the butt of every Star Wars joke, the presence of Stormtroopers still needs to be felt as a threat, and that threat can be very quickly undermined if they are overused onstage. Not to mention, the moment you put Stormtroopers in a dance number, it becomes Star Wars Weekends at Disney World. So we’re gonna leave the dance numbers to the scrappers, the Partisans, and maybe the Dathomirians.

Speaking of Dathomir, we have to get there early. Obviously in the game you have the option to go there early on, but you don’t have a story reason to go there until much later. In the game, the crew returns to Zeffo right after they first visit Kashyyyk because Cere gets word of the Empire finding the other tomb. But in this case, let’s say she doesn’t hear about that until after Cal first visits Dathomir. We need to get to Dathomir early because 1) Merrin is far too important a character to be introduced in the second act, and 2) as previously mentioned, the second act is very story heavy and we need to shift some of that into the first act to make it slightly more balanced.

Finally it’s time to talk about Merrin! Her character in the first game was so underused and this adaptation offers the chance to expand on her story. (Although I need someone to hold me back a little, because she’s my favorite character but I need to be reminded that this is not her story. She cannot be a bigger character than Cal or Cere.) Introducing her earlier gives the audience more time to think of her as an antagonist, as they watch her repeatedly reject Cal’s attempts to reach out to her.

Let’s talk special effects, because Dathomir is where that really gets fun. Much of the appearance of Merrin’s magick can be achieved with the use of clever lighting and purposeful staging. Her ability to teleport can be mimicked by having her enter the stage in darkness and then using green lighting and perhaps some fog to illuminate her. Magick flames in her hands can be a combination of lighting and some classic magician props. (Disclaimer: Serious safety precautions would have to taken if we’re considering playing with actual fire though!) And the effects of her magick on her eyes and mouth can be achieved with black-light makeup that is invisible in regular lighting.

Now if there’s one person that tries to convince Cal that Merrin is a threat that can’t be reasoned with, it’s Malicos. As in the game, Cal would encounter this “wanderer” on the path to the Tomb of Kujet. He tells Cal that he was marooned on this planet when he came to study the Dathomirian culture, and that he has been hiding from the Nightsister, who he claims has repeatedly tried to kill him without hearing what he had to say (much like she tried to kill Cal upon their first encounter). Cal offers to help him escape the planet, but Malicos rejects this offer, stating that he has not yet completed his research on the planet (red flag # 1). Cal explains his mission, and Malicos explains that the ruins are surrounded by darkness and the magick of the Nightsisters. He tells Cal that Merrin will throw everything at him to keep him from entering the Tomb, and he tries to convince him that the only way to complete his quest is to kill her before she kills him (red flag # 2). But Cal, beginning to suspect he has ulterior motives, dismisses him and continues on to the Tomb. What Cal doesn’t know yet is that Malicos is also pulling the strings on Merrin’s side and actively trying to pit them against each other in the hopes of solidifying his control over whoever came out on top, as well as to keep them from uniting against him, which he knows would likely happen if his lies to Merrin about the massacre were exposed.

I debated a bit whether I should try to work in the romance between Cal and Merrin. Putting them together in Fallen Order definitely runs the risk of coming off rushed, and the way it was handled in Jedi: Survivor was perfect and probably could not be outdone. However, musicals don’t tend to get sequels (unless it’s Love Never Dies) and especially if we’re expanding on Merrin’s character, you can’t really write her and Cal together without there being sexual tension, and the audience will want to see that resolved, so I guess we’re going for it! (And besides, it’s my musical and I want to!) However, I still want Merrin to be an antagonist for most of the story, and prior to fighting Malicos I don’t want slip into the overused tropes of “he saved her life” or “they had to work together to survive.” The dynamic I’ve come up with instead bears a slight resemblance to Rey and Kylo Ren (cuz let’s be honest, Merrical is everything Reylo wishes it was!). Their first encounter is basically the same as the game, where she tells him to leave and sends the Nightbrothers after him. Take note that when I envision this scene, I have Merrin standing above Cal on one of the higher levels of the set (she had the high ground!). However, I’ve created a new scene between them in Act 1 while Cal is making his way back to the Mantis to return to Zeffo. He stumbles upon her praying to her fallen sisters for guidance, having taken off her hood and cloak. (Metaphorically, it’s almost like he catches her indecent.) Caught off guard and scared, Merrin prepares to defend herself, but Cal shows her that he has no intention of fighting her right now, and Merrin, knowing she wouldn’t win any fight she started in this moment, stands down. This scene gives an interesting visual representation of the power dynamics between the two of them, because where she stood high above him in her first scene, they now stand on the same level, which is made even more interesting if the actor playing Cal happens to be taller than her. Cal explains that he is leaving, but will return, and Merrin proclaims that she will be ready to face him when he does. He tells her about his mission and informs her that the Jedi have been wiped out, but importantly it never comes out that she believes the Jedi killed her family. They sing a counterpoint duet detailing their differing points of view, with Merrin stubbornly refusing to believe Cal’s Jedi “lies.” (This is actually the only song I’ve named: “Fool Me Once.” Fill in the rest of the saying.) By the time the scene ends, the audience should not yet be thinking that Merrin will eventually become Cal’s ally. However, the scene would definitely include noticeable sexual tension during their argument, mostly being in each other’s personal space for a hair too long and some extended eye contact.

Now that I’ve beaten that scene into the ground, let’s go back to Zeffo. Cal explores the Tomb of Miktrull and finally finds the first of the three pieces of the Astrium before encountering (hang onto your hats) the Second Sister, aka Trilla Suduri, Cere’s former Padawan! (Dun dun duuunnnn!!) Nothing super noteworthy changes in this section of the story except that Cal doesn’t encounter Trilla until after he explores the Tomb.

Remember those flashback scenes I was talking about with Cere and Trilla? This is what they’ve been leading up to. In the game, when Trilla takes her helmet off, the only reason we know who she is, is… well, she says so. However, if we see flashbacks of Trilla earlier in the show, now the audience recognizes the face under the mask. Now I know what you’re thinking: “won’t the voice give it away?” Not necessarily, if you’ve got a good enough actress. For all intents and purposes, Trilla and the Second Sister, much like Anakin and Darth Vader, are two different characters and should be treated by an actor as such. A good actress could make her tone and delivery so different between the two characters that first-time viewers wouldn’t put them together (as long as the playbill doesn’t give it away). But even if the audience does figure it out, I don’t think the fact that Trilla became an inquisitor is the biggest revelation in this scene. Because let’s be honest with ourselves, in terms of Star Wars plot twists, that one was a little predictable. But no, the bigger revelations are that Cere betrayed Trilla by giving up her location, she used the dark side in the aftermath, and perhaps most damningly, she has been keeping secrets from Cal.

Alright let’s talk stage combat. For this fight in particular, much like the game, it would get cut short and end up being more talking than fighting. But in general, stage combat tends to be more dance-like movements than martial arts. We’re not going for prequel-style lightsaber duels here. Plus, on stage, you only get one take, so you can’t exactly afford for anyone to get hurt halfway through. We’ll talk a little bit more about lightsaber effects later, but suffice to say, the stage combat, while important, comes second to the emotions surrounding the scene.

So BD-1 cuts the fight short by activating a laser gate between Cal and Trilla. Trilla reveals her past and sings about how you can never trust anyone before leaving. Now on stage alone, Cal finishes out the song by briefly lamenting why Cere didn’t tell him the truth. He hears another disturbance just offstage and prepares to defend himself before being hit by a stun grenade and knocked out by an unknown bounty hunter. Blackout.

End Act 1

So those are my notes on Act 1 of Jedi: Fallen Order - The Musical. I’ll be posting my Act 2 notes in the near future, but before I go, I want to quickly discuss the vocal ranges of each of the characters.

- Cal: Being a classic male hero, Cal would almost certainly have to be a pretty high tenor. However, he shouldn’t be like a squeaky tenor, for lack of a better phrase; his tone should be more round and even. (I’m just gonna say it- Cal probably shouldn’t have gay voice! I’m sorry, I don’t mean that in an offensive way, I just don’t have a better way of describing what I mean!)

- Cere: She would definitely be a low alto. (If we’re talking Broadway, I’m picturing Heather Headley or someone similar.) Not only would that be a good match for Debra Wilson’s voice in the game, but a lower singing voice is often used to portray age. It helps give the audience the impression that she is older and wiser than Cal.

- Greez: He’s a little tricky, but I’d probably put him somewhere in the mid-range, maybe a high-end baritone. I’m not locked into that though, I could also possibly imagine him as more of a low tenor.

- Merrin: Okay some people are gonna disagree with me here, but I would not make Merrin an alto. She can’t have the same range as Cere. That’s not to say I think she should have a super high singing voice, more like low mezzo soprano. But her voice should be powerful; I’m thinking like an Idina Menzel-style belter. (I mean, she is a witch, after all!)

- Trilla: Lemme start by saying that Trilla would not sing with her helmet on, so her first song probably wouldn’t be until the Act 1 finale. I imagine her having a very similar range to Merrin, with perhaps a slightly darker tone.

- Ninth Sister: We’ll talk about her more in Act 2, but she would definitely be a very low alto. She’s a big character, and generally the bigger the instrument, the lower the pitch. She also leans very heavy on the melodrama.

- Malicos: Now odds are he wouldn’t sing until Act 2, but he would definitely be a low baritone, if not a bass. I’ve been comparing him to Claude Frollo from Hunchback, both in terms of his character and his voice. So I would definitely imagine his voice sounding a bit aged, although the actor would also need to be able to do at least a small amount of stage combat, so he might have to be slightly younger than we might imagine the character.

- Sorc Tormo: Speaking of Hunchback, here we’ve got our Clopin Trouillefou. Eccentric and dramatic, Sorc Tormo would be the one to have that squeaky tenor voice that I didn’t want for Cal. (Now HE can have gay voice!)

- Jaro Tapal: I’ll throw him in because I haven’t decided whether or not he would sing, but if he does, he would most definitely be a bass.

One other note about casting: I am in my mind imagining the characters being played by actors who look similar to the actors in the game, with Cal, Greez, and Merrin all being white, and Cere and Trilla being people of color. However, the beautiful thing about a story like this is that there is absolutely no reason that you couldn’t colorblind cast every single one of the characters.

But I think I’ve rambled on enough for now. If anyone is actually still reading up to this point, thank you for indulging me! You are my favorite! Please share your thoughts and ideas in the comments, because I have no one to discuss this topic with and it would make me really happy… 🥺🫶

Act 2 coming soon!!

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lyss-butterscotch · 8 months

Note

Hey— you!

I noticed the interests in your thing, what other series you didn’t mention there yet you like?

Oooh okay okay so im just gonna mention the medias i like / that stuck with me for long / have good knowledge of

Games :

Rain World - love the lore, the procedural animation, detailed bg and ecosystem

Hollow Knight - my first ever computer game, 112% full achievement it 3 times (twice pirated, once in steam), love the art style, mechanics, and lore

Ultrakill - Fulfilled the aggression i got from HK's godhome but 100x over. I love the simplicity over everything and the smooth rewarding combat mechanics. Also The OST

Genshin Impact - Mild interest in the lore, but i love the character, environment designs, and the OST, one of my 'go to for design ideas' media

Celeste - EVERYTHING ABOUT IT, the story the artstyle the music and THE MECHANICS, i love going nyoom and i love being able to conquer difficult things in games that is purely skill based

A Hat in Time - Very cute feels good games. Its old timey but in a good way. Love the characters, artstyle, and the BANGER OST

Inscryption - Aesthetics goals. I love the atmosphere, the sfx design, the story. I just really like how snappy and satisfying every move is

Stardew valley - comfort game :)

Project Moon Games (Lob Corp / Library of Ruina / Limbus Company) - I love Lob Corp in particular because of the monster designs and the batshit mechanics and lore, I love the other two because the lore is onpar with whatever homestuck got going on but like... it actually makes sense. TLDR its SCP but worse /pos

Resident Evil (Specifically RE7 above) - I like the horror vibes, character and environment designs inspos

OFF - Weirdcore but in a nice way. I love the sketchy artstyle

Oneshot - 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Funamusea Games (The Gray Garden / Wadanohara / Mogeko Castle) - Funny lil stories, mostly love it for the character designs since the artist makes alot of OCs

Animes :

Madoka Magica - AMAZING WRITING ANIMATION CHARACTER DEPTH OST EVERYTHING, What i strive for when writing characters, the collage facked up witches is also such an inspo

Ghibli Movies (HOWLS MOVING CASTLE, Spirited Away, The Cat Returns, Princess Mononoke) - Animation, Artstyle, Background art, Story inspirations. Theyre so feel good while also being illegally pretty and heartfelt

Kill la Kill - really fackin brash but i love the OST and the fluid lively animation, just a fun watch

Houseki No Kuni / Land of the Lustrous - Its really pretty, it has AMAZING WRITING, the 3d anime for it was SO GOOD, the manga broke me, aesthetics of all time

Saiki K - No reason in particular, the dude's just a constant mood

Toilet Bound Hanako-Kun - I just really like the aesthetics and the artstyle its so pretty, aesthetic goals

Other medias :

Homestuck - I was there when [S] ACT 7 dropped. I know its like shitpost 70% of the time but it inspires me to see how it started and how it ended

Epithet Erased - I really like the art style and the simple yet lively tweening, the rare animations are really good too. I love the character designs alot

Wakfu - Animation, artstyle, and aesthetics goal. I never finished it and the story is a lil wonky but the artstyle stood out alot to me

The Owl House - The animation and characters and environment designs are so good. The story is really nice too they got to end it well despite being cut short.

Alien Stage - I love the art style. I LOVEEE THE MUSIC ITS SO GOOD AND I LOVE THE CHARACTERS, THE STORY IS WRITTEN THROUGH SHORT SONGS BUT DAMN DO THEY HIT

Analogue Horror (Backrooms, Mandela Catalogue, Local 58, Gemini Home Entertainment) - I love the vibes and creative story telling. World building inspos

#thats all i can remember from the top of my head #but yeah most of these are what shaped how i art through the years #lyssten to my rambles

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rayatii · 1 year

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Okay so in my Art of Theater class, we were each asked to do a presentation on a topic of our choice relating to theater, and the topic I chose was opera, as a form of theater. I presented it in late March, it ended up being rather successful, and my teacher liked it well enough to ask me to present it to her other section of that same course, which I did. And so today I had my final exam for this course, so this inspired me to post the slides of my presentation (well, I already had this idea on the day of the presentation, but it’s a convo with @smile-at-the-stars yesterday that truly motivated me to work on it), alongside an approximation of the extra stuff I said orally while presenting.

(Note: the star-shaped bullet points are actually gold-colored, for some reason, when I converted the slides into either JPEG or PNG format, they keep getting colored white. I have no idea why.)

“When I say ‘opera’, you may think of a singer standing on a stage and singing in a style some of you might find weird or even unpleasant. Yeah, that’s not opera. That’s just singing. Lyrical singing, or classical singing, or whatever you want to call it. Opera specifically is when this type of singing is placed within a theatrical context.”

(To show the difference between an aria and a recitative, I sang the first 8 measures of Vedrai, carino, and used this audio, which I cut at around 0:32)

Here, I emphasized why I highlighted the word “acting” in the grid above, and also explained that opera students at my Conservatory are given the basics of Italian and German, in order to better understand what they are singing about.

As an example of how singers have to properly convey the emotions of the character they are portraying as they sing, I mentioned an anecdote about the time I was practicing L’ho perduta, which is about a young girl who lost an object and is desperately searching for it, and my voice teacher told me something like: “do not sing it in a grand manner, you are not La Contessa with a big voice. You are this little girl who is desperately searching for that pin she lost”. In order to show the difference to the students, I sang the first couple lines of L’ho perduta in a somewhat grand way, and then I sang it again in a more subdued way that better reflects the context.

(I mentioned that in L’Orfeo, the living world is represented by string instruments while the Underworld is represented by brass instruments, but that’s not very important.)

I also added that even in upcoming opera season announcements all over the world that had come out recently, you can find L’Orfeo in quite a few of them.

“I’m gonna stop here, because otherwise this would take WAY too long. I highly recommend you read more about the history of opera.”

To give the others a better idea of what I mean by “vocal virtuosity”, I briefly sang the first 2 measures of Lütgen’s Etude No. 8 (the clarinet part; up till 0:05).

My commentary on Barber of Seville: “This is the opera that ‘FIGARO, FIGARO, FIGARO’ comes from”. And Lucia di Lammermoor: “You might recognize some of the music from it if you’ve watched The Fifth Element, the scene with the alien singing opera”.

I described Wagner’s operas as having “MASSIVE orchestrations, requiring HUGE voices, lasting like 4 hours”.

I mentioned that Bohème is one of my favorite operas, and that it’s the opera that RENT was based on.

I explained that operetta tends to contain spoken dialogue.

“If you mention microphones in the opera circles on social media (e.g. Reddit), you will be sure to start a war” (it’s kind of an exaggeration, but 😝).

“You cannot cry while singing, because it messes your vocal cords.”

“I chose these two opera houses to show you the difference between a proscenium stage (the format of most opera houses around the world, just like theatres) and an arena, as we learned some time ago during this course.”

Palais Garnier: “which is where the Phantom of the Opera lives”.

The Sydney Opera House “is much more well-known for its exterior than its interior, but it actually houses several venues. The main venue is just concert hall, but the one in the picture here (the Joan Sutherland Theatre) is where operas are typically performed”.

The Bayreuth Festspielhaus: “which performs exclusively works by Wagner. I chose to show you this one because it has a bit of an unusual structure; it rather resembles the thrust stage format, and the orchestra pit is located kind of under the stage”.

The video in question (subs by Yours Truly, except the ones in the last footage, which were already there, when I downloaded it from the Met’s channel).

The following week iirc, the teacher mentioned Diana Damrau’s Queen of the Night as one example of stylized makeup, as opposed to realistic makeup, and I added that it’s because that opera is a fairy tale opera or sorts.

#opera #theater #raya makes a powerpoint

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iamdarcylewis · 2 months

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Darcy.

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝐎𝐍𝐄: 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐎𝐔𝐓𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄.

Nicknames: Darce, Darc

Eye color: BLUE

Hair style / color: wavy brown hair

Height: 5'3

Clothing style: all the sweaters you can think of, cardigans, coats, beanies, skirts, comfy but cute

Best physical feature: uh eyes

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐖𝐎: 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄.

Your fears: Being alone

Your guilty pleasure: Matcha

Your ambitions for the future: Figure out what that island alien thing was.

𝑻𝑯𝑶𝑼𝑮𝑯𝑻𝑺.

Your first thought waking up: 'I sLEPT?!'

What you think about most: Stars.

What you think about before bed: Stars.

What you think your best quality is: My loyalty, will do anything for the people I love.

𝑾𝑯𝑨𝑻’𝑺 𝑩𝑬𝑻𝑻𝑬𝑹?

Single or group dates: Single dates!

To be loved or respected: Loved, you respect the people you love.

Beauty or brains: Brains!

Dogs or cats: Both, duh.

𝑫𝑶 𝒀𝑶𝑼…

Lie: No, I'm terrible at it.

Believe in yourself: Yes, I can do this... Most days.

Believe in love: Yes, of course.

Want someone: Yes, of course.

𝑬𝑽𝑬𝑹 𝑩𝑬𝑬𝑵…

Been on stage: Yes, giving a presentation.

Done drugs: Ugh... Yes.

Changed who you were to fit in: Hell no.

𝑭𝑨𝑽𝑶𝑹𝑰𝑻𝑬𝑺.

Favorite color: Blue, purple.

Favorite animal: Donkeys, they're so cute.

Favorite movie: The Empire St.rikes Back, babyy!

Favorite book: The Fost.er Theory book, of course.

Favorite game: Uh... Candy Crush? I haven't played many.

𝑨𝑮𝑬.

Day your next birthday will be: Monday april 1st.

How old will you be: Oh God, I'm gonna be 33.

Age you lost your virginity: Sixteen, I think?

𝑰𝑵 𝑨 𝑷𝑬𝑹𝑺𝑶𝑵.

Best personality: Fun.

Best eye color: Any eye color, really.

Best hair color: Any.

Best thing to do with a partner: Make out. And arcade games.

𝑭𝑰𝑵𝑰𝑺𝑯 𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝑺𝑬𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬.

I love: Stars

I feel: Tired

I hide: My problems.

I miss: Jane.

I wish: People gave me some fUCKING COFFEE.

#re; about darcy

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use-your-telescope · 1 year

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It’s only fair that I ask for your top five music albums! Go!

Ahahahaha FACK I should have known that was coming... picking ONLY FIVE is gonna be a struggle. All of these will have songs featured in the Trickster (I haven't even finalized my list and I already know that's true). I'm going to stick to one album per artist to help narrow this ish down. Okay, let's give this a whirl: (These are in no order)

Everything in Transit - Jack's Mannequin This album - holy shit. It's iconic. This was one of the very first albums I ever fell in LOVE with, and the story behind it is fucking incredible. Andrew McMahon wrote the whole damn thing about his (now) wife that he was on a break with, right as he was leaving his band Something Corporate and (unbeknownst to him) about to be diagnosed with cancer (which he ultimately beat!). Rescued is my most played song of all time (between itunes plays and Spotify plays), and that was before I choreographed my senior year of college dance piece to it, nine years ago. The entire album is the personification of TSwift's "yeah, we're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time - it's miserable and magical" - brilliant piano pop that you want to scream aloud in a bar next ot strangers and bond over. Honorable mentions to Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness (Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness, aka Self-titled album) and The Glass Passenger (Jack's Mannequin)

Red (Taylor's Version) - Taylor Swift Okay, no secret, I love me some Tay. This was already my top album of Taylor's before she released the re-recorded version, because I think this hits the ultimate sweet spot for Taylor - balancing folk-style songwriting and pop sensibilities, with just enough country to keep it fresh - and it's so fucking relatable. And then when Taylor's version came along? I was even more in love. Nothing New still makes my chest ache (and I love Phoebe Bridgers), and don't get me started on the ten minute version of All Too Well. This is *the* breakup album, which hit at just the right moment of my college years and it STILL fucking SLAPS. (Low-key heartbroken I couldn't get Eras tour tickets, tbh) Honorable mentions (in order) are evermore and folklore (tolerate it. gets a spotlight in the trickster! fun fact. Because fiction is cool and I can retcon history, the creation of both albums are in The Trickster.)

American Candy - The Maine Okay, this was the HARDEST artist to narrow down just ONE album - I have seen the Maine FIFTEEN TIMES since I started listening to them in 2011. Pioneer, Forever Halloween, American Candy, Lovely Little Lonely, You Are Okay, and Love & Anxiety in Real Time all have distinctly special places in my heart for different stages in my life. Lovely Little Lonely has the song that was the first dance at my wedding. Pioneer was when I fell in love with the Maine. Forever Halloween was when I processed recovering from a toxic relationship and struggled with my own happiness. You Are Okay was when the world felt unsteady and COVID hit and I needed that reassurance, and Love & Anxiety in Real Time was grappling with the ability to find happiness while allowing inner demons to co-exist. Fun Fact: my original foray into fanfic was connected to this band (now I wouldn't do RPF for the life of me because I have a different understanding of things, but I was 20 and creating fictional characters based on idealized verisons of celebrity crushes in my mind). But, I chose American Candy because I think it has this balance of fun, upbeat music, heartfelt storytelling, candid moments, and delightful irreverence that is absolutely worth a listen. The last track (Another Night on Mars) was the last song of the night at our wedding and the memory of all my friends in a huddle chanting out "this one goes out to my closest friends, the ones who make me feel less alien, I do not think I would be here if not for them" still makes me warm and fuzzy five years later.

Ever After - Marianas Trench Trying to pick one Marianas Trench album is also a challenge - Josh Ramsay is a fucking lyrical GENIUS (with fucking INSANE vocals) and he really embraces creating albums; the most recent album (Phantoms) takes heavy influence from the work of Edgar Allen Poe, the album before that (Astoria) drew inspo from 80's movies like the Goonies, but the one that has my heart is Ever After, which has so many delightful references to fairytales and toys and childhood - it's full of absolute pop BANGERS and you CANNOT help but dance to the whole damn thing. Fun fact: Josh Ramsay is Grammy nominated for co-writing Call Me Maybe!

PEP - Lights This was a post-pandemic album that addresses cynicism, feminism, and girl-power in a fucking ICONIC manner. Salt and Vinegar is a fucking MOOD, and Jaws is my new theme song. Easy Money is my low-key Lo & Theo ship song. Beside Myself is so soft and vulnerable, and Okay Okay is an absolute delight. Lights just released 'ded', which is a slowed down/if synth could be called acoustic version of PEP, and the ded versions of Grip and Beside Myself have made me feel my feels. Lights does acoustic versions of every album she has released; I was so close to putting Skin & Earth Acoustic or Midnight Machines (the acoustic version of Little Machines) because they are so emotive and delightful! Other than Taylor Swift, I tried to stick to lesser-known artists; honorable mentions go to Florence + the Machine, PVRIS, the Midnight, Lydia, Hozier, The Wonder Years, Paramore/Hayley Williams, The Civil Wars, Queen, Annika Bennett, Neck Deep, Lorde, and James Taylor...

#ask game #top five asks #music recommendations

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brigadeleadxr · 2 years

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LAYER ONE: THE OUTSIDE.

name: HARUHI SUZUMIYA !

eye color: brown //looks yellowy in the show

hair style/color: dark brown hair just above shoulders. tied with yellow ribbon

height: 5′2″

clothing style: north high school uniform on weekdays. otherwise typically bright, comfy & casual clothes

best physical feature: evil smile that go ‘ >:) ’

LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE.

your fears: living a boring life ! anything happening to the brigade

your guilty pleasure: putting hair in ponytail

your ambitions for the future: TO FIND ALIENS, TIME TRAVELERS, AND ESPERS, AND HAVE FUN WITH THEM !

LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS.

your first thoughts waking up: h u n g r y

what you think about most: "WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO TODAY?”

what you think about before bed: "WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO TOMORROW?”

what you think your best quality is: EXCELLENT leader >:)

WHAT’S BETTER?

single or group dates: Group !

to be loved or respected: Both ! NO COMPROMISE !

beauty or brains: Brains

dogs or cats: cats

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU…

lie: Usually shoots from the hip. Confidently wrong? yes. Not above lying to get something she wants though.

believe in yourself: Naturally

believe in love: "Love is just a temporary lapse in judgement.”

want someone: um no

LAYER SIX: EVER BEEN…

been on stage: yes. killed it actually.

done drugs: no????????????????

changed who you were to fit in: the direct antithesis of this

LAYER SEVEN: FAVORITES.

favorite color: yellow

favorite animal: dragons???? loch ness monster??? cats are pretty cool too though

favorite movie: THE ADVENTURES OF MIKURU ASAHINA 00

favorite game: any game i can win p much

LAYER EIGHT: AGE.

day your next birthday will be: October 8

how old will you be: sophomore?

age you lost your virginity: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

does age matter: age does matter.

LAYER NINE: IN A PERSON.

best personality: not human

best eye color: don’t matter

best hair color: don’t matter

best thing to do with a partner: something FUN. also they buy me food

LAYER TEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE.

i love: "my friends.”

i feel: "melancholic” //c’mon it as right there

i hide: "nothing.” vulnerabilities

i miss: "summer vacation! ”

i wish: " the aliens would just abduct me already”

Tagged by: @stovthearted yesss thank you thank you Tagging: @veiliisms, @digitalworid, @tricksheart, @politesper, @slayersaided, @victoryclaimed

#*♔( tag games ) eccentricities #*♔( queue ) you’re late! PENALTY!

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blog-for-my-history-prof · 1 month

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Ok since tumblr is deciding to be picky today (I still love you tumblr) I'm going to make a fourth attempt and hope for the best!

Hi! I'm writing this as an explanatory presentation for the big project that I need to do for my music history class. And what better way to do this than with memes and a long tumblr post! The format of my project would be a series of blog posts diving deeper into each of the topics that I will identify throughout this post.

For context, the Korean pop group Ateez (debuted 2018 with 8 members) participated in a competition called Kingdom: Legendary War. This competition put different groups against each other for the goal of publicity, and to find out which group was the most versatile and talented. For this event, the groups had to perform some original songs as well as cover other groups' songs (for example, Stray Kids covered BTS' "I'll Be Your Man" as part of this event.) Ateez took one of their previous songs, "Wonderland" (2019) and reworked it to include hints of Pirates of the Caribbean and Antonin Dvořák's 9th Symphony to present at the show in 2021.

To begin, Ateez's debut concept was one word: "Pirates". A debut concept in Korean pop is some kind of aesthetic to attract new fans that would be interested in the style of music promised, and provides a storyline for future album releases. For example, EXO's theme is "Alien" while Dreamcatcher has a more "Darkness" vibe to their performances, which makes their shows truly chilling. With that in mind, there is no denying that Ateez has put on an incredible performance with this song. The stage decor, the costumes, and the massive kraken making an appearance-- all hint towards maximalism influence. It is worth mentioning that 3-dimentional projections are relatively common in shows, but some can be really cool. (And horrifying. Check out this bigass spider that Stray Kids had on top of their stage for their performance at the MAMA 2022 award show. Rest in peace to all the people with arachnophobia.)

Regardless, incorporating the musical theme from Pirates of the Caribbean makes sense with their concept, but the inclusion of Dvořák's Symphony still needs more digging to make sense.

The inclusion of Dvořák's Symphony in Ateez's Wonderland is deliberate. This unlikely fusion of musical styles is an intersection of the Korean pop culture with the Western music traditions-- which Korean pop was already doing to a certain extent. The genre resonates with people from across the world, so to make it more accessible and appealing to listeners, the artists started including both Korean and English lyrics, effectively creating a bilingual genre of music. The expansion of this toolkit not only added much more versatility and flow to the lyrics, but also helped the music reach a much wider audience. Some Kpop groups have even experimented with releasing Japanese versions of their Korean songs!

In addition to the last point, the inclusion of Dvořák's Symphony complements the lyrics surprisingly well. Wonderland starts with a fragment of a movement from the symphony, which represents the "New World" (hence its nickname) or America, when it was still "new" and "undiscovered". In the fifth line of the lyrics, Hoongjong sings "gonna find a new world to be mine" which lines up perfectly with the meaning behind the 9th symphony. The fragment of the piece is played on horns, making the section all the more triumphant and epic as well as accentuating the message of the lyrics. Also, Wonderland is quite similar in title to New World...

While Ateez has an excellent arrangement of this piece mashed into their song, they are not the first group to combine classical music with Kpop. For example, Jimin from BTS samples Manuel de Falla's "La Vida Breve" (1904) in his solo song "Lie" (2016), while Gfriend uses "A Poet's Love" from Robert Schumann in "Summer Rain" (2017). But while Ateez might be simply hopping onto this trend, this proves that taking the old and making something new out of it will never go out of fashion. If it does, we'll just have to bring it back and make something new from it!

With that in mind, the inclusion of Dvořák's Symphony into Ateez's Wonderland has an impact on an issue we already touched on earlier: accessibility. Many people look down on Kpop as a genre because they think of it as too basic, or cringe, or simply too formulaic for them. (To quote my brother, he told me that "Kpop songs all sound the same and the singers all look the same too".) While a lot of songs in the genre have the structure and the length of mainstream popular songs, not all of them are necessarily the same. (Some of them can be pretty bad, though-- I cringe every time I hear "Cat and Dog" by TXT, it's so funny hahah) Adding classical music to the genre might attract more listeners to the songs, where they can find something they know and latch onto it as a bridge to appreciate the rest of the music. Dvořák's Symphony in Ateez's Wonderland is appealing to the classical listeners who might not have had that point of contact to get to new music styles before.

It is worth mentioning that the musical style in this song is quite elaborate and polished, which reminds of classical traditions. At a certain point, Jungho sings a B5, which is somewhat like a cadenza in the classical world-- something to show off a soloist's skills that is usually technically challenging and quite impressive. In the revised version of Wonderland released in 2021, the particular singer decided to make the top note even higher and longer than what he sang in the version released in 2019. This decision really helped maximize the impact of the re-release along with the added classical music sampling.

To summarize, it's really cool, and this entire post feels like this:

I'm really looking forward to working on this project!

#please don't vanish #long post #for my prof

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vzyee · 9 months

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gonna collect my thoughts on on earth we're briefly gorgeous since i finally read it after four years of it being the biggest thing in every sphere. preface is that i know this was like landmark literature & i can acknowledge that while also you know griping.

so first of all i thought this was straight up memoir when i read it due to assuming it was an extension of his more autobiographical poetry.

i made a joke abt how it reminded me of barry s3 but its like, the comparison is nearly there. turning from just depthless ancient sadness to like, extremely contemporaneous colloquial language and stylings. which isn't to say that the depictions of generational trauma in gorgeous (ancient sadness) are necessarily more remote/removed of course & in a lot of ways the early aughts details are alienating when you'd expect them to be grounding.

i also noticed how neatly this fits into the like goldfinch genre which im always going on about. obviously it borrows quite a bit thematically from the big gay dark academia epics (art trauma and memory) although crucially the academia element is sort of plucked out of the story. he goes to college this seems like it would have major implications in the narrative of americanness and yet it's barely factored in. and further barbara kingsolver totally did the whole first day on the tobacco farm thing in demon copperhead down to the gloves being too big. i'm calling dc a big etc gay novel even though it barely is because it also to me derives from that same tradition. However. and the point is. it disrupts that genre primarily by not being an epic. Like the prose is actually very efficient. a lot of the scenes are precisely what they are. to my taste i actually like a very long unwinding of every mood and development from one stage of life & being to the next & i do think. gorgeous accomplishes a lot of that even if nonlinearly. but for instance in the "sometimes being offered tenderness" scene, that felt to me like a moment that could have been more thoroughly arrived at as something that fundamentally changed the terms of little dog & trevor's relationship and their understanding of their place in their own & each other's lives. but instead it is so distilled. which is interesting. in a lot of other ways obviously it doesnt seem like theres a ton of disruption as with the dramatization of violence, drugs, intense angst etc and the very knowing floaty tone of the narration. which i did not appreciate as much.

last big point had to do with like, maturity of voice. to me this still seemed absolutely like . well a debut novel. an early work. i've read some of night sky with exit wounds and i have some familiarity otherwise with vuong but i don't think i've read anything more recent than gorgeous. i really like ocean vuong in interviews and i think he's immensely quotable which is a gift some writers have whether due to insight & reflection or just composure both of which are very impressive. vuong i think has both. however i think the impression i got over and over in gorgeous was that his voice either hasn't fully developed or he's still coming to terms with how to use it in practice. i think about this a lot, like what the metric is for a "mature" and "developed" individual voice vision style whatever in writing. basically it's when your conviction matches the level of your ambition & i did not see true conviction here. which is not a bad thing in and of itself in a novel of fragmentation disorientation and resistance. but amid the confusion and the immense efforts of the narrator to preserve recollect and reassemble there are still these grand poetic gestures of generalization summary and aphorism. once again "sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that we've been ruined" (one of the most successful attempts at generalization i think).

also he says somewhere in an interview that he's working against legibility which i'm not entirely sure he does. he mentions genre bending and the inclusion of for instance butterfly and opioid trivia, he mentions nonlinearity. all of this though is honestly more or less digestible, and the novel is actually fairly rigidly structured. Especially with the amount of im gonna call them tropes maybe cliches. that dictate the general plot progression. quite legible. & i feel even stronger abt that now that i realize those actually were conscious authorial placements and not like, real life experiences that just happened to follow a highly exaggerated narrative arc. which genuinely confused me when i was reading i thought he had to be at least embellishing. and he was

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serenheist · 3 years

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What Taehyung is like in a relationship/ Taehyung as a boyfriend Tarot reading

How long does it take him to get into a relationship? & Does he prefer long or short term relationships 8 of cups, queen of swords, 10 of pentacles 9 of pentacles reversed, 4 of cups

Ffs the queen of swords always pops up. Anyway yeah I don’t see him getting into anything quickly. He could’ve in the past but I think past relationships left him drained af and feeling alienated. I think he has a shit ton of walls up and is a lot more no nonsense now. It’s probably intimidating and more blunt to others because he wants to get to the heart of why someone is trying to get with him since so many people try to pull the same shit and fuck around with him like he’s dumb. He does not settle for anything other than what he wants. If he can’t find “the one” then he legit just rather be alone. It looks like he’s now more focused on building a Legacy though and something serious and long term so he has no desire to just jump into something with anyone. He basically would wait it out and get to know them long before deciding he trusts them enough and feels comfortable enough to show his emotions and not be so aloof.

I feel like he’d be the type to not show much interest at first because he really needs to scope the person out. So the person probably wouldn’t even know he actually likes them. Actually he could be a little too jaded and bored to the point of turning away everyone even though he does want a relationship. But in his mind there’s too many people being carbon copies and trying to swindle him for his money bruh for real all of bts are having this problem like damn it keeps reoccurring. Idk why it seems like there’s people also trying to use money to get with him like they’re rich and they think he’ll just want someone loaded. Like dude he’s already rich so that doesn’t work and to him them having a ton of money means Jack shit when they have the personality of a damn rock.

Past & present love life 10 of swords, 2 of pentacles present: the hermit, 5 of wands

Past love life: welp. Do I really need to explain the 10 of swords. I think actually that he had all this past trauma and shit from relationships and even other shit he still hasn’t dealt with but there was no time to even process that because he had to get back to work and act like he was fine. I think he’s the type of person that buries himself in his career when he experiences traumatic stuff that he doesn’t want to deal with. And of course it’s easier when you’re busy 24/7 anyway. This relationship betrayed him in every way tbh but maybe it was a catalyst for better things to come though he still might not see this right now. Present: I don’t see him in a relationship now currently cause the hermit but also being a major arcana it’s like he’s really in a life stage right now where he just wants to be alone because there’s so much conflict going on and he’s feeling anxious and having all these negative pessimistic thoughts that he just needs time to himself. I don’t think he very optimistic about his love life right now he’s lost a lot of hope. Things are too chaotic elsewhere to focus on romance.

What is he like in a relationship? the chariot, ace of cup, Unicorn, fae 61, solus 13, vanth, the sun reversed, anger and chains 29, justice, 2 of swords reversed, 3 of cups reversed, avenoir 1, princess of pentacles,ta’om the poet 29, ace of swords, Thanatos

What is he like in a relationship? When he’s in a relationship he really puts all his focus on that person and will go above and beyond for them. There’s a kind of masculine and feminine balance in him in the sense that he’s ready to be the go getter and take charge but there’s also a vulnerable energy and overflowing emotions. He works hard to take care of his person and make the relationship work . The only downside is he could possibly be too smothering to his partner or come on too strongly because of past shit and maybe too clingy for some people since in a relationship he really shows his softer side and he’s not as aloof as he is to others. He loves to have little house parties with his partner and have friends and family over with a ton of food and music.

For date ideas he’s down for anything but especially something “magical” maybe literally some place like Disneyland or pagan festival like beltane? That’s specific af but there’s a medieval type of energy and nature spirits and shit, he wants to do stuff he hasn’t done before and that might even be outside his comfort zone since G. Hobyah card is all about imaginary fears and getting past them. The best qualities he has in a relationship is the ability to help his partner stand on their own 2 feet but also recognizes that you can’t do everything on your own so he’s the type of person who would go above and beyond and connect you to the right people or situations. He’s always there when his partner really needs them and will make sure to put time aside.

His worst quality is that I don’t think he knows how to express his anger in a healthy way. I think with the sun reversed next to anger and chains it’s more like he doesn’t know how to fully show it it’s kinda repressed but his emotions under the exterior are a hot mess and there’s a big need for stability. It’s like being too stubborn to admit when you mess up and petty shit cause it hurts his ego. But I don’t think it’s super bad considering the justice card I used to represent his communication style. I feel that even if he gets mad af he gets over things really quickly and one minute he’s be angry and 10 minutes later he’ll be asking you what you want for dinner like wtf.

When he likes someone he’s not going to jump in and immediately go approach them. I see him instead watching them intently from afar lol he’s very cautious and like gathering everything he can on that person. Dude’s a 1st class stalker. Jk But the thing is the person wont even know he is interested in them because he keeps a serious face as a kind of mask but on the inside he’s like a giddy kid. Ta’om is known for looking serious and thoughtful but is actually very playful and slightly mischievous. I think Taehyung is definitely one to start off as friends and slowly get to know someone rather than just start dating because he really wants to know that person well to see how real they are and if they’re just putting up a front.

He’s not attracted to new shiny things that are perfect he’s able to see the beauty in all things even in difficulty. After he’s been friends with them for awhile and knows if that person like him back, that’s when he’d actually make a move. He finds a lot of satisfaction in doing services for others until they’re completed so it makes me think his love language (giving) is acts of service but with the ace of swords is pretty obvious his Receiving love language is words of affirmation but moreso he appreciates when someone is blunt and honest and not just saying stuff to make him feel better cause then it’s just insincere.

What is his ideal type? the ageless, the star, the singer of healing 10, el shaddai, protection 26, ram, the maestro, fae 41, the sage 19, king of cups reversed, himself 17, danu, death reversed, obsession

His type: this person seems to have had some messed up stuff happen to them in their past. Even when others were horrible to them they still kept their dignity and chose to still give to others instead of give in to bitterness and despair. It’s like the Phoenix where no matter how many times they metaphorically die, they can still rise up even better than before. I think they’re able to help heal others because they’ve been through the trauma themselves but they know how to be honest and blunt without being overly mean about it. They have a kid of tough exterior though I think from years of negativity from people that’s made them strong but also a little distant from people and they need a lot of time to themselves to recharge and get away from peoples bs. Honestly this seems a lot like Taehyung too lol I think he wants someone who’s been through similar traumas.

The ram keeps calling out to me that I think this persons way of showing love is a little aggressive but that’s what Taehyung likes in someone tbh. It’s not like actually showing love it’s hard to explain. It’s more so you know when someone tries to act like sarcastic and shit to hide the fact that they like someone? Idk why it reminds me of toph from avatar the last airbender where she just punches people to show affection it’s kinda like that. Cause they’re not good at being really vulnerable. They put on this brave face and are pretty good at it to the point where you won’t notice that they’re jealous seeing you hang out with someone else. But this person is really independent like I’m not joking lmao and a go getter they don’t rely on anyone really. And don’t give a fuck who you are.

There’s 2 healing cards and honestly why is this person so similar to Taehyung lol this person is great at helping or healing others but again has to realize it’s okay to also get help for yourself. They think maybe that they’re fine on their own and they don’t like relying on others for help because people disappoint you and it’s easier to just do it yourself. But they’re really good at giving advice and are lot nicer than their exterior let’s on. Bruh the star card makes my mind keep playing that I’m gonna be a star song by twice lmao stop. I think this person actually is a star or is working up to it cause they have huge plans. This isn’t someone just wanting a mundane job I think they’re gonna go big.

Especially paired with the ram talking about they go for big dreams and huge successes. This person won’t stop until they accomplish their dreams they really don’t care what others say and will go to the extremes to get there. I see they have a lot of talents anyway but some people were like saying negative shit that their dreams are impossible but they’re learning to set boundaries with other people and it’s more of a just move in silence energy. Also usually I don’t say zodiac signs but since it’s a major arcana it might play some significance but Aquarius might be prominent in their chart (nvm I just remembered Taehyung has venus in Aquarius so duh you dumbass it wouldn’t be that out there to think he’d be drawn to Aquarius qualities).

I wonder if this person is into astrology though given all the glyphs. I think this is someone Taehyung has been trying to manifest and call in too like wishing on a star for a looooong time and maybe thought it wouldn’t come but boy does the universe have a surprise for you. They really are future oriented thinkers and know a lot about spirituality I think that a big part of who they are I really don’t think they’d be completely atheist or not care about spiritual topics. They give a lot without much thought in return and can talk about anything with openness and honesty. With Taehyung they’d teach him everything under the sun. He likes when he can share all this knowledge especially about weirder topics with someone who isn’t going to dismiss him. I see them really encouraging him to try new things and show him things he never knew were possible. They treat him like he finally belongs somewhere in the world.

This shit is kinda spooky because both the maestro guy and illbe the retriever are holding orbs/a little white ball close to them and they speak of the same thing. This person really protects Taehyungs hopes and dreams. Also they themselves obviously represent a dream that Taehyung thought was long gone and impossible. I think it can be taken literally too lol to mean that when Taehyung is being forgetful af. This person is that type of person who has your keys already when you think you lost them. They’re really the more responsible one in the relationship lmao helping him to be more organized and get his life together. The next set of cards I used to represent what his biggest turn ons are. This isn’t in a sexual way though lmao I meant the qualities he likes the most in his ideal type. Already I noticed how all the cards are facing straight ahead and looking right at you so it makes me think this person has some intense ass eye contact and looks intimidating and they got a rbf.

With the king of cups reversed I don’t think they’re actually these heartless cold bitches and that Taehyung is turned on by that because the sage card is upright and talks about the same shit but this is a person definitely who looks colder but is actually kind on the inside. He kinda likes people who look cold like that but are actually sweethearts. This person is not one of those super lovey-dovey people or uses pet names and babytalk like “my sweet baby Taehyung” whatever I think they find it very cringe. They have some trauma from when they were kids where they felt as if they aren’t allowed to act very emotional because people will think they’re weak and take advantage of them (this is just their beliefs about themselves) they instead act very macho or tough again lol like Toph from ATLA idk why I keep thinking of her but there’s like a kinda tomboy energy but they’re really not heartless they just need the right person to feel comfortable around and need to work on opening up emotionally.

There’s so much masculine and yang energy but then at the end you see this motherhood figure so it again really makes me think it’s a front and this person is so nurturing and that’s what really draw Taehyung to them. He loves the most that this person knows so much about the most random things and esoteric topics. They value tradition and stability but they also understand the need for growth and change they’re the perfect balance. Communication is really a big thing for Taehyung it’s a reoccurring theme in this. Someone who is very good at communicating and are action oriented. They say what they mean and mean what they say. It’s very important that they are their own unique individual self and have their own goals and skills and hobbies.

This person is probably a powerful manifester too and sets their intentions and goes after them. They have so much power and confidence also with the himself card they could be a dancer or love dance since he’s a dancer faerie they’re very much into creative shit. They seem very natural and not the type who got work done or wears too much makeup idk there’s like a wild energy lol like this bitch is from the damn forest. If someone attacked Taehyung this person would literally drop kick someone even if the person was bigger than them. Danu card is always protective and nurturing but ferocious if you mess with their person. Like “idc what you do to me but if you touch my guy I’ll end you”.

Now onto what Taehyung’s biggest turn offs in general are: death reversed and obsessed card lol oh god bro I am fucking done. His biggest turn off is when someone makes him the center of their universe. I mean this in the extreme way like “omg you’re my one and only we’re meant to be I think about you 5000 times a day and have an entire closet with all your pictures and I document your entire life” 👀 and he’s like uhh can you get a damn hobby? (That doesn’t involve me) Cause imagine someone’s entire life revolves around you. It’s sweet at first I guess? Lmaoo then it’s just creepy and like they have no life or personality without you. Death reversed is like something is plaguing you and following you around, pestering and annoying you. He must’ve experienced this shit irl lmao if it’s this strong with a major arcana to come up as a turn off. Cause major arcana are big ass life lessons. Like they thought he wouldn’t know they were secretly obsessed with his ass and used other people like his friends to get closer to him but I’m telling you Taehyungs intuition is something else and he always knows when people are some obsessed crazies. This is exactly why he’s so cautious now because of bs like that he can’t trust anyone. Like please stop acting like Jodi Arias and have some self respect.

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byunbaekby · 3 years

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title — the things i know pairing — soccerplayer!jisung x female reader genres — angst, fluff, high school au, strangers to lovers au, first love au, long distance relationship, hurt and comfort, coming of age overall warnings — underage drinking, cancer, character death, language, mentions of hickeys, fainting, mentions and descriptions of hospitals, soccer inaccuracies, lots of angst (you’ve been warned!) word count — 14.8k summary — jisung has never been keen on growing up, or even understanding what adulting means. at seventeen, all he knows is: he loves soccer (and he’s damn gifted at it), and girls are very pretty but also plenty scary. then he met you, his first love who turned his life upside down and made his stomach roll like the soccer balls he loved to kick around the field. but when your cancer comes back after years in remission, jisung thinks, he doesn’t really want to grow up anymore. playlist — falling, harry styles ; your guardian angel, red jumpsuit apparatus ; my first and last, nct dream ; bye my first, nct dream ; orchid, jeremy zucker

additional — for the heartbreak hotel collab hosted by @nct-writers. my concept in the five stages of grief was “acceptance and hope.” thank you to my babes @suh-insane and @astroboy-lele for proof-reading!

The thing about knowledge is that you never know when or what you’re going to learn. There’s no way for you to predict what will be of your mind when you fall into bed that night, surrendering to the moon. In the morning, there’s no telling what knowledge your brain will choose to store away for remembrance over the course of the night, and what your brain will decide is unnecessary. What you decide not to remember is a memory you can’t even miss.

When you wake up every morning, you don’t know if you’ll go to bed having met someone who will change your life forever.

At seventeen, there are two things that Park Jisung knows. One, he loves playing soccer (and he’s damn good at it, the way his long legs carry him across the field in what seems to onlookers like seconds). Two, girls are very pretty but plenty scary as well.

The day starts out normally, like any other away game that the team plays.

He wakes up at six o’clock on the dot, and eats a large breakfast to hold him over for the game, then packs a few granola bars into his soccer bag and lets his sister know he’s leaving before he jogs the way to the park where the bus is waiting for his team. The ride is normally an hour long, so he either tucks his earbuds into his ears and tries to get in a short nap or he converses with his teammates.

Today though, the bus ride is three hours long. Crossing his hoodie-clad arms across his chest to act against the cold air of the bus, he focuses his gaze outside and watches as the town goes by.

“Yo, Jisung, check this out!”

At the sound of his name he turns his head, blinking when he sees a number of his teammates in the surrounding area nudging him closer. A few of them are leaning in towards a particular teammate, who displays a proud expression. “What’s up,” asks Jisung as he too leans forward toward his team member, curiosity slightly piqued.

Jaemin, the teammate in question, tugs the collar of his jersey down to reveal his skin. On the milky white curve of Jaemin’s collarbone, he sports a dark purple bruise, surrounded by a perimeter of yellow where the skin seems to be healing. There’s no question as to where that mark came from, and it definitely wasn’t from soccer.

“Ew, man, that looks sick!” comes from Donghyuck, along with a few comments from others, either approving or disturbed.

“Where’d that come from?”

Renjun slaps Mark on the chest, eyebrows furrowed at him. “Obviously, it was from Anne! Didn’t you see the way they were all over each other at last week’s game?” Jaemin grins, eyes going lovesick at the thought of his girlfriend.

Jisung’s expression contorts into one of disgust. “That’s disgusting, man,” he comments, nose still scrunched in distaste as he leans back into his original spot on the bus seat. Another thing he’ll never understand is why people are so desperate to grow up, as if giving hickeys and sneaking vodka into their Hydro flasks makes them somehow more adult.

He slips his earbuds into his ears, playing some light muzak to lull him to sleep with his head leaned rather uncomfortably against the cold window.

Jisung doesn’t think that he’s exceptionally smart; he’s gotten passing to above average grades his entire life. He’s not musically talented, nor is he particularly a smooth talker.

But hearing people call him gifted is a feeling he relishes every time.

With his long legs and strangely large and spacious lungs, soccer called the boy’s name from the time he could run. He dominated the peewee league, then the club teams until this point, at the ripe age of seventeen waiting to be scouted for college teams.

He wasn’t usually one to brag but today, he had shot the winning goal.

Everyone has their thing, the one thing that they excel at. For Picasso it was painting, for Yiruma it was piano, for Renjun it’s spending four hours every night researching alien conspiracy theories. For Jisung, it’s soccer. But he’s never been exceptionally good at speaking to people.

“What’s your name?” He hears a voice, cheery and upbeat, behind him as he’s grabbing his bag on the side of the field. The game is over, and the crowd begins to dissipate while the team members are gathering their things to return to the bus. Turning over his shoulder he sees you, wearing a bright smile. Cautiously he responds, “Jisung Park.”

“Oh, so you’re Korean then. I’m gonna write that down, okay? How long have you been playing soccer?” You ask next, and now Jisung’s eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“Write what down?” He asks, trying to keep his tone as polite as possible. Even so, how is he supposed to react to a random person at a game suddenly appearing to ask him questions? As he wipes his forehead with his towel he adds, “Who even are you?”

Quickly you say, “I write in the high school newspaper, and wanted to get a close-up of today’s star.” It’s then that Jisung realizes the camera slung around your neck and the notepad in your hands.

“Why are you writing about me? I don’t even go here.”

“Because,” you say, a slight sigh creeping into your voice now. “Our team sucked today. You straight up stole the show, and no one wants to read about a team that lost. I’d rather give them a peek at the star.”

“14!” His coach yells his number once, causing Jisung to look over his shoulder to the source of the voice, where his teammates are already beginning to pile onto the bus. The boy in question slings his bag over his shoulder and tucks his soccer ball under his right arm before finally getting a good look at you. “Shouldn’t you be writing something to raise your team’s spirit or something? Giving them support, maybe?”

You shrug. “I don’t like underdogs. Don’t like writing about them. I’d rather read about the heroes. So how long have you been playing soccer again?”

“Jisung!” Now it’s Chenle calling after him, and he really needs to go. Eyes flickering to the street where his teammates are gesturing for him to hurry, he looks back to you. Your eyebrow is raised expectantly, right hip popped out as you wait. Before he starts to run off, he manages a small, “I’ve been playing eleven years. Um… bye.”

Then he turns away and his long legs carry him to the bus a few meters away. Even so, behind him he can hear your loud, proud voice yelling after him with the name of your high school: “Check the online newspaper! You’ll see my article!”

What a weirdo, he can’t help but think as the team cheers for their star player getting on the bus back home.

A week later, it’s another Saturday night following a victorious win against another team in the local area when Jisung gets a call from Chenle. “What’s up,” he asks immediately, leaning back in his desk chair to throw his soccer ball up in the air and catch it with one hand.

“Wanna party tonight? Celebrate our win a bit?”

“Where?” asks Jisung. He’d never been big on parties. For one, his long legs that were great for running weren’t exactly skilled in dancing or anything of the like. Secondly, he’d definitely be expected to talk to girls and he’s not really in the mood to make a fool of himself.

“Taeyong’s house. Me, Mark, Hyuck, and Jaemin are going. Renjun’s busy, and Jeno wants to spend time with his cat. What do you say? Wanna join?”

Jisung sighs. He was honestly just exhausted. “Think I’ll pass. My sister’s been getting on me about my bio grade.”

Chenle groans on the other line. “Lame.”

“Next time, promise,” says Jisung.

“Fine. Have fun studying, looooser!” This is the last thing Chenle says before hanging up, leaving his best friend alone to shake his head with a small laugh. Then he remembers something, some words that a stranger had yelled out to him a week before.

Sitting up at his desk, Jisung opens his laptop and types in the name of your high school, along with your town. A few clicks around the website finds him at the online news section, plus a scroll or two past some questionable articles, there it is: a picture of him mid-kick, the winning one if he remembers well enough. His nose is scrunched in concentration and strands of dark hair cling to his forehead.

Soccer Superstar from the opposing team steals the show and the win!

A small scoff leaves Jisung’s lips, trying to humble himself as he reads over the first few paragraphs.

Our school’s boys soccer team faced a devastating loss on Saturday in the face of the opposing team’s ace player (pictured above). The game ended promptly when the superstar player confidently kicked in the final shot, though the result had been clear from the first half of the game.

A short interview with the hotshot player revealed that he has been playing soccer for eleven years! A senior from Neo Culture Prep, it is clear as day that the school is very lucky to have such a prodigy on the team.

Who is this superstar player, you ask?

His name is Jisung Park.

Geez, Jisung thinks. He knew he was good but not that good. The article did a good job of spicing him up, making him look like he was a lot better than he really was. There’s too much fluff; sure, he’s skilled and he knows it, but—he touches his cheeks. They’re warm—the article makes him sound like a soccer god, and it’s beyond embarrassing. Who even are you?

A scroll to the bottom of the page tells him all he needs to know.

Article written by: (Name) (Last Name).

He doesn’t return to your town for almost two months. There’s a tournament today, the hours lurching between games giving him more than enough time to psych himself out about how he’ll play.

It’s noon, the sun shining overhead causing a sheet of sweat to amass on Jisung’s forehead. His team has just won their second match of the day, and in waiting for their next game, his eyes are scanning the bleachers set up for observers on the side of the field. It’s not hard to find you, same camera hanging around your neck.

With his long legs, he jogs over to you towel in hand. You’re not at all focused on him, eyes pressed into the camera’s viewfinder as you attempt to capture a good shot of the current game.

“I don’t like the stuff you said about me in your article.”

His deep voice suddenly intrudes your thoughts, and you jump in your place. As you turn to him and drop your camera from your face, he catches sight of the way your eyes widen at his appearance. A flood of recognition replaces the shock before you tilt your head. “Why? It was all good stuff.”

Patting at his forehead with his towel, Jisung responds, “Yeah, exactly. I’m not that good. I could’ve played better that day.” This brings a small snort from you. “Really! They were narrowing the angle on me, I should have flanked or lofted.”

“I have no idea what that means.”

“It’s—”

You cut him off before he can explain. “You’re good. Why are you so shy to accept that?”

“Why do you keep trying to paint me as the main character of the team? Everyone works hard together.” He questions, eyebrows furrowed.

“Because you are,” you respond matter-of-factly, focused enough to press your eye into the viewfinder again. A few seconds pass, and Jisung recognizes the click of the camera as you capture something on the field. “You’re clearly the best player on the team by a long shot. You’re the main character, the hero.”

At your response, Jisung shakes his head in disbelief and scrunches his nose. There’s really no getting through to you. “I’m more than the hero you think I am.”

You turn to him, facial features contorted into a mischievous expression. “I’m sure you are.” Jisung realizes then that you’re holding something out to him. Taking it, he observes it. A… business card? With your name and number on it. “(Name). Aspiring journalist.”

“You have a business card? Aren’t you like, seventeen?”

You shrug, smile tugging on your lips. “Never hurts to be prepared. Call me.” It’s the last thing you say before you flitter away on quick feet, leaving to interview the team which has just won their match. He watches you leave, wondering if you know what kind of effect you have on people.

“I don’t know, man. She seems kinda crazy,” says Hyuck from the seat next to him, leaning his head back. However, a sudden bump in the road causes the bus to jump, startling the boy a bit. Jisung had just shared his thoughts about asking you out with his friend, who immediately made a face and shook his head.

“Crazy?” Sure, you’re a bit forward and maybe slightly reckless, but he doesn’t think you’re… crazy. It’s been a few weeks since he last saw you and from the conversations you’ve shared over text and phone… he thinks he likes you. Like, really likes you. It’s goddamn terrifying.

“Yeah, we all saw her article,” Chenle speaks up from the seat behind him. “She’s obsessed with you.”

Jisung rolls her eyes. “It was one article. That doesn’t mean she’s obsessed.”

“I think you should do it. It’d be funny to get on camera in case you fail,” snorts Renjun.

Jaemin pipes in from in front of them. “But if you do ask her out, she lives three hours away. That’s a lot of distance.” He’s the only one in a relationship, so maybe he has the only opinion that Jisung trusts.

“Other people have done more distance.”

Now, it’s Jeno’s turn to pipe in. “But you’re not other people, you’re Jisung Park. You’ve never had a girlfriend.” Should he feel insulted? Chenle also adds, “Jeno’s right. You’re a senior! It’s your year, and you wanna spend it tied down to some girl who lives three hours away?”

But you’re not just some girl. Mark’s the only one who hasn’t spoken, and most of the time, he’s the most level headed. Jisung turns to him with a sincere expression and asks, “What do you think?”

Though he had been trying to stay quiet throughout the conversation, he stretches a bit in his seat before finally saying, “I think you should go for it.”

“I think you should too!” Jaemin says. “But I think you should be prepared for what it means.”

“Whatever you decide to do, we’ll hype you up.”

“I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?” Jisung asks. “If she rejects me, at least she’s three hours away, right?” There’s murmurs of agreement around the seven of them. He tries to sound relaxed, but the thought of asking a girl out for the first time causes his heart to thump loudly in his chest. Oh god… should he do it?

“So?” asks Hyuck after a few seconds of silence, and it’s then that Jisung realizes everyone’s looking at him. “Are you gonna do it?”

He gulps. “... No idea.”

A collective groan emerges from the group of boys. Hyuck, ever the genius, straightens his back with a glint in his eye. “How about this? If we win, you ask her out. You’ll be riding on a winning spree and it’ll give you confidence. If we lose then… there’s more girls back home.”

That… doesn’t sound like a bad idea. But oh god, he doesn’t know which option he wants.

For the first time, Jisung feels like his legs are knotting into each other, tumbling over his feet.

Soccer had always come easily to him, like breathing. But for some unknown reason, he’s totally off his game today. He knows the play, his strengths, and even the weaknesses of his opponents, but he trips over his feet.

No, that’s a lie. He definitely does know the source of his nervousness, and it lives in the form of a girl with a camera and a notepad sitting in the bottom corner bleacher. His breath is frantic as he zips back and forth across the field. The sounds of the game are ringing loud in his ear, and he can hardly even focus on the black and white ball being kicked around, let alone what the coach is screaming at them. They’re so close, one more goal should do it.

He knows what’s going to happen. Jisung Park had always been known for his ending kicks.

But what if he messes it up? What if he fumbles the kick or whiffs it?

Then again, does he even want to win? That’s a dumb quesiton—of course he does—but the question is: is he ready for what comes with the win? He really shouldn’t look, shouldn’t peek for just one look at you, but he does. You’re scribbling in your notepad, and he swears in that millisecond that you look so pretty.

Yeah, he wants it. He really wants it.

He’s ready, and—oh god, Sungchan is passing the ball to him. Suddenly Jisung is on high alert, winding up toward the goal. He captures Sungchan’s ball with ease, no longer tripping over himself as he makes his way to the end goal.

One kick, just nail this one kick.

He winds up, turning his body to the correct angle; he kicks it and…

Please go in, please go in, he’s begging.

The ball flies in straight past the goalkeeper, who jumps toward it but there’s no use. It all happens so quickly, and suddenly his team erupts into celebration when the referee blows his whistle. Still standing there, Jisung catches his breath and stares into the goal.

He won.

That means… He glances at you. You’re wearing a huge smile on your face, and without noticing it himself, Jisung has his own proud smile on his. His momentary peace is interrupted by his friends running toward him, nearly knocking him over in their celebration.

“Yeeahhh, Jisung Park, you’re the man!”

A few minutes later, Jisung tries to calm his nerves after thanking the opposing team for a good game. When he returns to the sidelines where his stuff is, he can barely get some water down his throat before Chenle is pushing a soccer ball into his hand. “Good luck, dude,” he says, and Jisung can feel the others’ eyes on him. Oh no, it’s time.

He steals a glance at you, and—Oh. You’re looking at him too. A bashful smile spreads over your lips and you turn away, focusing back to your conversation with your friend. His heart is beating so loud, but Jisung doesn’t think it’s because of the soccer game. Turning back to his friends, he groans, “I need a pep talk.”

“Okay, uh,” Mark attempts. “You got this, you know you’re the man. Um… if she rejects you, then it’s okay, there’s other fish in the sea!” A groan erupts through the group. “That’s not a pep talk, Mark!”

“Listen,” says Chenle suddenly, grabbing Jisung’s shoulders to stare at him. “She’s not gonna reject you. You’re Jisung freaking Park! The star of the team and my best friend! Go get ‘em, and don’t take no for an answer!” With this, he gives Jisung a small push in the girl’s direction.

“Actually, uh—I think no means no,” pipes in Jisung but everyone cuts him off with a collective, “JUST GO!”

Pink spreads across his cheeks as he slowly walks in your direction. At a good distance away, he places the coveted soccer ball down on the ground and winds himself up for a kick. Okay, he just shot the winning goal of the game. If he can do that, he can do this. Running forward the slightest, Jisung gives himself a silent pep talk as his foot taps the ball. It goes moving from its spot, flying through the air… and that’s when Jisung realizes his mistake. Instead of gently tapping against your ankle like he had planned, the ball flies straight in the air, knocking the side of your head rather harshly.

“Not that hard, genius!” Chenle chastises from behind him, and Jisung has to hold back the desire to actually groan in that moment. He immediately runs toward you, hands out in surprise. “Oh my god, oh my god, I’m so sorry,” he repeats, reaching out for you. You’re rubbing the spot on the side of your head where the ball had hit, and he wants to disappear right there.

He never should have done this.

Why was he born again?

“I’m so sorry,” he says again for the nth time, feeling shame and humiliation speed up his spine at the way you wince when you touch the side of your head. “Oh my god, go get me an ice pack,” he demands over his shoulder at his friends.

“No, no I’m okay,” you reassure everyone. Now all the eyes are on the two of you.

A few moments of silence pass as you eye the soccer ball which has rolled some distance away, crouching down to pick it up. Ball in hand, you scan the outside of it… and destroying all of Jisung’s hopes and expectations, you burst into laughter.

You laugh so hard, the boisterous sounds leaving your lips so vehemently that you have to cover your mouth with your hand. Jisung furrows his eyebrows. “I just kicked you in the head and you’re laughing?” Oh god, he must have done more damage than he thought. You don’t answer, the only sounds leaving you are giggles and guffaws. It’s only making him feel worse; geez, he wishes he wasn’t so tall so he could positively disappear right now.

You finally look up at him and meet his gaze, your own eyes crinkled in delight. Flipping the ball over in your hands, you present to him the ball. Written on one of the large white spots reads a firm, “Go out with me?” in black marker.

“This is why you kicked me in the head?” You ask, still chuckling the slightest. Bashfully, Jisung nods. You laugh again. Every time you do that, he feels like getting smaller and smaller. “Of course I’ll go out with you.”

Wait, really?

He says these words aloud, eyes wide at your ease. He hadn’t expected you to actually say yes! “Sure,” you respond with a smile. “Though I could’ve gone without the head injury.”

This brings a laugh from the both of you. He really had been worrying so much about nothing. His frame instantly relaxes, taking the ball back from you. “You sure you don’t need the ice pack?”

“No, I could definitely use an ice pack.”

The first date happens two weeks after that game, and it’s his first real date so he has no idea how to act. Everything goes fine—he takes you to the local arcade in your town, and though he’d deny it to the ends of the earth, you beat him in foosball.

“Ha!” You had screamed. “Superstar soccer player Jisung Park, and you can’t beat me in table soccer?” His cheeks had burned pink at the sound of your voice reverberating around the public arcade, but honestly the mirth in your eyes was worth it.

His cheeks are red but the air is cold on the walk home to your house. He had promised to have you home by nine, and it’s—he checks the time on his phone—8:45.

A look at you, holding the giant stuffed teddy bear that you had won (he hadn’t won it for you, because lord knows he’s horrible at skee-ball), and Jisung can see the air leaving your lips. “Hey, you cold?”

“Nah,” you shake your head, though you scoot closer to him on the sidewalk. His tongue laves over his bottom lip quickly, and he almost wants to hold your hand. But that wouldn’t do much to keep you warm.

He purses his lips, then immediately his hands are working at taking off his hoodie. That’s a cute thing, isn’t it? Boyfriends giving hoodies to their girlfriends? “Here, take this.”

When you take one look at the hoodie in his hands and roll your eyes, Jisung knows he’s in for it. “Seriously? You can’t fool me with some cheesy rom-com moves,” you laugh.

Ouch.

That hurt his pride. He was just trying to be nice, maybe a tad bit romantic, but you clearly weren’t having it. He should have known you would be so tsundere, and maybe he does.

He knows you act strong, like there is no way on the face of the earth that you would ever swoon for his lame attempts at flirting. But when you reach upward on your tiptoes to press a kiss to his cheek before you step into your house, he knows you like it just as much as he does.

For the longest time, it’s been just him and his sister Naeun.

His parents passed away shortly after his birth, so they stayed under the custody of their aunt. When his sister became an adult, she became his legal guardian. Since then, it’s been the two of them against the world.

Though kids had sometimes made fun of him for not having a mom or a dad, Jisung never paid those kids much attention. Sure, he didn’t have a dad to teach him how to drive or a mom to attend his parent-teacher conferences, but he had his sister and she was all he’d never need. Naeun gave up everything for him: she didn’t go to college, she traded nights out with her friends to help him with her math homework, she worked two jobs so he could play soccer. She had worked so hard, perhaps sheltered Jisung so much that he had always lived a comfortable life.

It never occurs to him just how much she had struggled until the morning she asks him to get a job.

She sits across the dining table at breakfast, and over his cereal, Jisung notes how shaken and guilty she looks. There must be something on her mind, but that’s how his sister’s always been; she doesn’t like to worry him, and speaks up when she’s ready. When she finally tells him, he blinks, confused.

“I can’t pay the bills alone. Not with soccer getting more expensive, and the landlord raising the rent—that bastard,” she mumbles under her breath, surprising Jisung. She hardly cursed. “It’s… It’ll just be for a short time. I promise.” She has tears in her eyes. Jisung furrows his eyebrows; she must feel guiltier about this than he thought. Immediately he nods in understanding. “It’s fine, Noona. Don’t worry about it. I’ll, uh, go out looking this weekend.”

He takes another spoonful of cereal into his mouth, thinking that the conversation will end there. But it doesn’t, his sister’s quiet voice reaching his ears. “Promise me you’ll go to college, Sung. Promise me you’ll make it. Make it all worth it.”

And it’s in that moment, in the way that his sister’s voice is on the edge of breaking, that it occurs to him just how much his sister has sacrificed for him. How quickly she had to grow up, having become his parent at eighteen, just a few months away from how old he was now. And he was nowhere near as responsible as her.

He swears in that moment that he’ll uphold his promise. He’ll get a scholarship, he’ll help his sister out. He’ll pay back everything she’s given up for him.

Finally, today you’re in town.

It’s the first time you’ve come to visit him in his town, and he’s so excited to show you everything: his school, his favorite ice cream place on the corner of the street from his apartment building, and even the park he grew up kicking soccer balls at. Even after all these years, him and his friends still came here to practice their soccer technique.

Today, the two of you are sitting underneath a tree at said park, his head in your lap. You’re running your hands through his dark hair, and wow, he’d never admit that it feels so good.

There’s a small laugh heard from you as you comb through his locks. “You should dye your hair.”

“Suddenly?” He asks. “I don’t even know what color I’d dye it.”

“You should do like, a blue or something. Oh, purple! Purple would be nice!” Your excitement causes him to roll his eyes promptly, sitting up. “I’ll dye my hair purple if you dye your hair purple,” he retorts to you.

“Maybe I will,” you say, standing onto your feet now that he’s gotten off of you. Wiping the grass from your legs briefly, you nod toward his soccer ball a few feet away. “C’mon, let’s play.”

He raises an eyebrow. “You wanna play soccer.”

“Yeah, is that so surprising?”

“Um, yeah, a little bit considering the fact that you said it’s boring and that you complain having to get up to go to the fridge at two in the morning,” quips Jisung with a laugh. You only roll your eyes in response. “I never said soccer was boring, I just said it’s only interesting when you play. And you’re gonna teach me right now, so stand up,” you say, extending a hand to him.

He takes your hand, rising to his feet before picking up the ball. “Fine,” he relents, a smirk making its way onto his face. “Try to keep up.”

For fifteen minutes, the two of you race up and down the park’s open grass field, chasing the ball in every direction. He evades you, long legs carrying him and the ball while you chase after him.

“Wait,” you say mid-sprint, slowing to a stop. Your chest is heaving, and slowly Jisung stops his running also. “You good?” He asks from a few feet away.

“Yeah,” you say breathlessly, reaching a hand up to wipe at your forehead. “Just… gimme a sec.” A minute passes of you catching your breath, but Jisung doesn’t pay it much attention—a person who didn’t play soccer and have trained lungs like him would struggle.

“Okay, okay,” you finally say, shaking your head a bit. “Let’s go again.”

“Are you sure?” He asks, worry seeping into his tone.

“Yeah, yes! Just—just go.”

So he does, beginning to kick the ball down field as he chases after it, stopping past center field to pass the ball to you. You’re racing after him, and though the ball is coming your way, you trip over it, falling straight onto the floor.

Your head hangs low, and he immediately rushes over to you.

“Hey, hey! You okay?” He asks, kneeling down but your eyes are closed. He swipes a hand over your forehead, and it’s that moment when he realizes your eyes are closed. Did you pass out? Had he pushed you too far? “(Name)?”

No response. Oh god, what is he supposed to do?

Is he supposed to check if you’re breathing? Where can he check for a pulse again? In his moment of inadequacy, he pulls out his phone and calls his sister.

She’ll know what to do, but it pains him that he doesn’t.

His sister arrives quickly, and immediately takes you to the hospital. According to her, you do have a pulse and you probably just had heat exhaustion. He sure hopes so…

For a few hours he sits in the waiting room as he awaits the arrival of your parents. They rushed over from your town, four hours away, and this definitely was not the impression he wanted to have on them. Head in his hands, he can’t help but worry about you.

You do wake up, eventually but he can’t see you until your parents arrive.

They take you back home. You’re walking and talking again, but as you shoot him a weak smile from over your shoulder, walking down the hall and out of the hospital, Jisung can’t help but feel that something has gone terribly wrong.

He swears he’s never been so tired.

Working at McDonald’s isn’t horrible, per se, it’s just different. But it definitely takes more out of him than soccer ever did. The second he walks into his room Jisung drops his backpack on the bean bag next to the door and almost collapses on his bed. Throwing his work cap on the floor, he runs a hand through his hair and pulls out his phone.

The best thing about coming home from work, is coming home to you.

He immediately fishes for his phone from his pocket and opens it to speed dial. Pressing on your contact, Jisung presses the phone to his ear and waits for his girlfriend’s voice on the other end. The line picks up.

“Hey,” he says, a smile spreading over his lips without him even knowing.

“Hi…”

Something’s wrong. Your voice is missing its signature excitement, the snarkiness he had grown accustomed to. He sits up in bed, eyebrows furrowed. “Is everything okay?”

Yes, you’re supposed to say. Everything’s fine. Everything’s just peachy.

But you don’t. “I got a call from the hospital.”

After you had fainted the other day playing soccer with him, the hospital had run a few tests to make sure you were okay. He knew this, you both did. They were supposed to say that you had been dehydrated, that you hadn’t eaten in a few hours. “I haven’t been completely honest with you, Jisung…”

“What, what is it?”

There’s a momentary silence on the other side, then a shaky breath. “When I was ten… I got really sick. I was always having nosebleeds, always tired—some days I didn’t even want to get out of bed. They took me to the doctor and they told me that… I had leukemia.”

Jisung releases a heavy breath, staring into his sheets. No… don’t say it.

“I fought it for two years, and I beat it. God, it was… it was really hard, and I got through it. It’s been five years now but—but the hospital called and…” Please, no. “My cancer came back.”

Jisung’s never felt this way before; like all the air in his lungs have been pulled from his chest, lost to the universe. Not even when he sprinted across the soccer field, not even when he had gotten punched in the chest. All those times, his chest burned with fire, be it anger or passion. But now… his chest feels empty and hollow and numb. He manages to spit out a few words.

It’s not supposed to be like this. You’re supposed to be okay, you’re supposed to go to prom together. Graduate. He’s supposed to get a soccer scholarship, you’re supposed to study journalism at the same school, and the long distance would cease to exist. You were supposed to be happy. “But it’s gonna be okay, right? You’ve fought it before, you can do it again.” Perhaps it was a bit selfish of him to ask for consolation when you were the one with the illness. But you were a journalist, never a liar. Your voice is weak, like you’ve already given up.

“I don’t know.”

“What’s up with you?” Chenle’s voice is almost worried, but Jisung wouldn’t be able to tell because his eyes are focused on the ground. He’s been kicking a soccer ball around with Chenle and Mark for a while now, but there’s clearly something very off about the teenager today.

“Yeah, is something wrong?” Mark asks.

Jisung blows some air into his cheeks. Should he tell them? It’s your private information but technically, you’re his girlfriend right? The news has been troubling him for a few days now, and he’s had no one to talk to. Surely, he can’t talk to his sister about it.

He should just spit it out. “(Name) has cancer.”

It’s like the world stops, his friends taking in his words. “W-What? What did you just say?” Chenle speaks first, then Mark quickly follows. “Did you say (Name) has cancer?”

Keeping his gaze on the ground, Jisung nods and gives the ball a small kick in Mark’s direction. “Yeah. She had leukemia when she was younger, and… the other day she went to the hospital and they said that it came back. Her cancer came back.” When he looks up, both his friends are looking at him with genuine concern etched across their faces.

“Seriously? Cancer? And you’re still dating her?” Mark asks, causing Jisung to raise an eyebrow in confusion. Did he just insinuate what he thinks he did?

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Chenle speaks up next, trying to defuse the sudden tension. “Jisung, you guys have only been dating like, a couple months. It was just like yesterday that you kicked her in the head asking her out!”

“And?” Jisung asks pointedly. Suddenly he’s in front of Chenle, and though he technically towers over the latter in height, Chenle’s chest is straight as he makes his point.

“Is it really worth it to stay on a sinking ship?”

Jisung’s voice reaches a new level of low, erupting from a place deep inside of him that he’s hidden away. It’s a place of rage, of anger sizzling and bubbling in his stomach. Suddenly they’re both chest to chest, unwilling to back down. “Now, I know you’re not talking about my girlfriend.”

“Hey, hey, hey!” Mark interrupts, hands coming between them to tear the two boys apart. “Calm down. Both of you.”

“He started it,” accuses Jisung quickly, dark eyebrows furrowed in frustration. “My girlfriend is not a sinking ship. Neither is my relationship, and I don’t need you to comment on it.” He looks to Mark for guidance. Mark had always been the most logical one, the one he would look to for help, and though he thinks that Mark will agree with him, he almost looks guilty.

“But it’s true, Jisung. We’re worried about you. She’s just a girl. Is she really worth hurting yourself over?” He had trusted Mark to be on his side, but now Jisung just releases a scoff. He had been hoping for his friends’ support, but it seems like he’ll be going through this alone, then.

You’ve been avoiding him.

Of course, there’s not much that can be done to avoid him when you live hours away from each other. But you haven’t been responding to his texts, and when you do, they’re mostly short and taut. You’ve been cutting your phone calls short, often saying that you’re tired. Maybe you really are, but it hurts hearing the line cut off, not knowing how you’re really feeling.

Jisung can’t help but feel like he’s failing. He should be doing better.

It’s like your relationship is an hourglass, running out of time with every day that he spends going to school, work, or soccer practice. Like you’re getting further and further away with each short text message.

His entire life has been spent running. Speeding forward center field like a lightning bolt, long legs carrying him far ahead everyone else. But for the first time, Jisung feels like he’s falling behind.

It only takes a three hour bus ride (four, with the added stops) but in Jisung’s mind, it’s all worth it. It won’t be the first time he’s gone over to your house, but it is indeed the first he’s ever showed up unannounced, which is a strange appearance given that he lives three hours away. But with everything happening, he’s willing to give up the day and six hours worth of travel for you.

Sitting on the bus, he pulls out his phone. It’s early, like nine in the morning, but he knows you have a doctor’s appointment in a few hours so you’re definitely awake. He presses the facetime button, but you quickly reject his call. His eyebrows furrow, but lighten with an incoming text from you.

[ message from : (Name) ♡ ] : jisung, i’m using the bathroom rn. call you back in a bit.

He nearly rolls his eyes, but it’s a sweet one. You’re always so candid.

[ message to : (Name) ♡ ] : you act like you’ve never facetimed me on the toilet before.

[ message from : (Name) ♡ ] : wow, call me out more why don’t you

[ message to : (Name) ♡ ] : pick up my call, brat ♡

[ message from : (Name) ♡ ] : no, You pick up My call :p

Seconds later, his phone is lit up with an incoming facetime screen. A laugh almost leaves him at your tenacity before accepting the call.

The call opens up to the visual of his girlfriend, you in your PJs fixing the phone up against the mirror in the bathroom. He sees himself reflected in the mini screen, hoodie on and earbuds in wearing a boyish grin. “Hey pretty girl. Make sure you wash your hands.”

You roll your eyes at his remarks. “Hey ugly boy. I’m already doing that. What are you doing?”

“Just making sure, because I don’t think you brushed your teeth after you fell asleep on call the other night,” he teases, clicking his tongue as you’re the only person he can tease so easily. “I’m on the bus to practice.” A lie, but a white one at that. “What are you up to?”

You wack your still dry toothbrush in front of the camera, nose scrunching up in the slightest. It’s a habit of his that you’ve picked up. “I’m also doing that right now.” You wet the brush, putting some toothpaste on it. “I thought you didn’t have practice this Friday? Or was that next Friday?”

Your actions bring a low laugh to his lips, and his eyes momentarily focus on the passing landscape outside the bus window as he’s now three hours out of his normal perimeter. “Uh, Coach wanted to add in a practice today. Don’t you have a doctor’s appointment today?”

You nod at his answer, toothbrush in mouth. “I do, I think it’s like, in a hour or something.”

“Oh, okay,” he replies simply as the bus comes to a stop, your house only a short walk away. He stands, gathering his bag. “Gotta go, but I’ll talk to you in a bit, pumpkin honeysuckle,” he snorts, making his way to the front of the bus.

Your brows furrow as you give him a disapproving look through the screen, shaking your head slightly before moving to rinse your mouth. “Talk to you soon, don’t get hurt at practice or I’ll fight you.”

He scoffs as he steps out of the bus, into your neighborhood. “Like you could take me. Later.” You probably could, given your determination, but he gives you a nose scrunch before ending the call. He’s only taken a few steps when his phone rings with a text message.

[ message from : (Name) ♡ ] : you and i both know i could take you :)

A snort leaves him. Classic (Name).

When he arrives a few minutes later, he hesitates at the door, only praying that the person who opens up is you, not your parents or god forbid, your brother. It only takes a few hard knocks before he hears your voice on the other side, determined to see just who the hell had the nerve to interrupt your laziness this early in the morning. “Who the fu—”

He tsk’s in distaste. He shouldn’t have been surprised that the first words to leave his girlfriend’s mouth are cuss words. “You potty mouth. I thought you’d be happy to see me,” he says, opening his arms.

Jisung’s not quite sure what he expected. For you to jump in his arms? What a delusional boy. You blink for a few seconds, then suddenly you’re throwing yourself at him, fist first to land a deserved punch to his arm. “I thought you had practice? What are you doing here and why do you look so much cuter than when I last saw you?”

“Well, I lied,” he snickers, patting your head. “I’m here to annoy you, obviously. But you look too. For a—” A person dying of cancer, but he can’t say it. He won’t. “—person who barely got up twenty minutes ago.”

Your hand immediately begins rubbing the spot that your fist landed, worried that it might actually bruise in a bit. Jisung asks, “So are you gonna invite me in, or?”

“What are you, a vampire or something? I’m pretty sure you weren’t given permission when you entered my heart so just come in and cuddle me before my appointment.”

Your response catches him off guard so he blinks before entering in silently, sticking his hands back into the loose fitting pocket of his hoodie. Even after six months, he’s still not used to you saying those kinds of things. Hell, he still gets sweaty holding your hand.

“Hey Mom! Dad!” You’re grabbing onto his arm, tugging him into the kitchen. “Jisung’s here!”

After a small breakfast and conversation with your parents, he’s given the permission to go with you to your doctor’s appointment. The two of you take the bus, hands interlaced as you sit, and Jisung smiles awkwardly when an elderly woman compliments the two of you, calling you a cute couple.

He’s never really been in a hospital before.

For an arduous soccer player, he’s lucky enough to never have suffered a pain great enough to warrant a visit to the hospital, nor had he ever been sickly enough to send him there. It’s for that reason that he feels slightly out of place, tucked in his hoodie whilst trying his best not to gaze at the others in the waiting room. Instead, he tries to keep his gaze focused upon his girlfriend as you remain bright despite their surroundings. Your hands intertwined, he feels a comfortable warmth seeping into his veins, gold in color and feeling. Gold like the ring on your finger, and like your heart.

He’s so lucky to have you.

“I don’t really have anything planned,” he says softly, giving your hand a slight squeeze. It’s true that your itinerary is next to nonexistent for this impromptu date, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. If anything, a hospital is a strange starting destination for a date but your relationship is a bit strange. Quietly, he says to you, voice low in the hopes that no one overhears, “Don’t hospitals scare you?”

He knows that you spent a good portion of your time here; surely you must have grown accustomed to it, but Jisung was not. Hospitals were cold… white and bleak and much too quiet.

“Nah, not really,” you answer with a shake of your head. “Except for all the souls wandering around.”

Jisung blinks. “Souls?” He gulps.

“Yup. The souls of the passing.” You click your tongue, along with a wink in his direction now that you’ve successfully managed to creep him out. Do you ever stop making jokes?

The door to the waiting room opens and a medical assistant calls your name. “Hey, I’ll be right back,” you tell him, standing and releasing his arm. He gives a hesitant nod, watching as you leave through the door and disappear down the hall.

When you emerge, some forty-five minutes later, the mirth is gone from your eyes.

He knows right away: you didn’t get good news. His heart is pumping in his chest, like he’s waiting for you to collapse right there. Years could pass, and Jisung swears he’d never be able to erase that memory of you. “Are you—” Okay, he wants to ask. But you just give him a small smile and shake your head. It’s not the time. He cuts himself short, reaching a hand out to you with a small, albeit forced, smile. “Let’s go on our date.”

It’s a long afternoon, spent in the arcade where you had had your first date—this time, for memory’s sake, he gets another ring from the claw machine—then McDonald’s and ice cream. He treats you to lunch, courtesy of his employee discount, and the entire day is filled with laughter and mutual teasing. Everything feels like it’s okay again.

Jisung enjoys these moments the most.

The moments where he doesn’t feel like he has to be anybody: not the star soccer player, not the kind understanding younger brother, or a kid trying to look grown up at an adult party. With him he’s just you, awkwardness and quirks altogether. You’ve never hid yourself from him, and now he doesn’t have to hide himself either.

Now that the day is touching evening, the two of you sit at a park, relaxing mindlessly on the swings next to each other. Now that the romantic buzz is gone, the two of you have fallen into a comfortable silence.

“Thanks for coming this far, Ji. This was… nice.”

A small smile spreads over his lips. “It was nothing. I wanted to do it for a long time.”

“No, really,” you say, turning to him with a thankful smile. Your eyes are serious now, and Jisung feels the sunlight seep into his skin. “I really missed you.”

He doesn’t say anything for a moment. This moment feels heavy, like he’ll remember it for years to come. “... I missed you too. A lot.” You both turn back to face the sunset, watching the sun fade behind a hill. It’s setting, streaks of gentle reds and soft-spoken oranges staining the empyrean firmament. It’s then that Jisung feels his heart begin to sink, like the sun, into the pit of his stomach.

“Are you scared?”

A moment passes without you saying anything, then you speak up beside him. “Not really. I mean, it’s just the hospital. The only thing that’ll suck is not being able to leave. I never thought I’d say it but, I’m really gonna miss going to school.”

Did you think you were never going to return? “Are your chances good?”

The implications from earlier at the hospital return. What are the chances that things aren’t looking up? “They say so,” you breath out.

That’s not good enough. Anything could happen. Jisung needs clarification, confirmation. He doesn’t want to lose you. “What if you—”

“I might.”

A beat of silence.

Jisung feels like crying. It gathers in the back of his throat. “What would I do without you?”

There it is: the implication that you’ll be gone. That one day, Jisung will have to wake up and face a world without you in it, a world with less happiness and less passion. A world where there isn’t someone who will call him ugly when really they think he’s the cutest to walk to the earth, or where there isn’t someone to make fun of him the way you do. A world with less love.

Your voice is dry as you speak.

“You’d move on.”

“I don’t know if I’d ever love anyone like you,” he finds himself saying.

“L-Love?” You suddenly say, voice the smallest he’s ever heard. You’ve always had the loudest voice, most prominent in his brain, but his words seem to have caught you off guard. “Do you? Love me?”

He doesn’t know what love feels like. He’s just a teenager, what is he supposed to know about love? About loss? Is it all-consuming, like in the movies? Is it meant to hurt? “... I think I do. I think I love you.”

There’s a sniffle next to him, and he turns immediately, alarmed that he may have made you cry. There are tears in your eyes, but they don’t fall. Being a writer, you talk too much. Your words are eloquent and true, though sometimes Jisung has a hard time getting you to stop talking. But this time, you choose to abandon words altogether, instead leaving your swing to stand in front of him. Compelled by nature, he stands too. Instead of speaking, you reach upward on your tiptoes once more. Except this time, you kiss him.

Your lips meet, and everything is golden.

And against the backdrop of the setting sun, it feels like the closing scene of Jisung’s very own romance movie. But this isn’t the end, he knows.

When he walks you home, he offers his sweater again.

This time not out of obligation or the desire to appear more romantic than he is, but because you’re cold. Really cold. You’re shivering, arms wrapped around yourself not giving enough warmth.

“Here,” Jisung says, already beginning to take off his hoodie, but you stop him with a hand and a pointed look, though your chattering teeth cause you to stutter. “S-Still trying to woo me with cheap rom-com tricks?”

You’re stubborn. You’re so stubborn and he hates it.

“Just take it,” he says, pushing it into your arms.

“No,” you argue. “You have a three hour ride home, it’s late and you’ll be cold.”

It’s obvious your illness has made you even more sensitive to the cold, and for that reason, Jisung’s fine facing the biting cold as long as you’re okay. “You’re freezing, please just take it.”

“Jisung, I said no.” Your voice is stern now, and he gets the feeling that he’s upset you. He gives up, gnawing on his bottom lip in deep thought. He just wants to make you feel better, doing what he thinks will help but with you, it never does. You’re so independent, too much so and much too stubborn to admit you need his help… “Fine,” he says before putting his hoodie back on. If you won’t take his warmth, then he’ll give it to you.

He lifts his arm, placing it fully around your shoulders and pulling you to him so your bodies meet. “At least let me hold you,” he mumbles. Your frame freezes in his for a moment, until you wrap your arms around the circumference of his chest.

Burying your face into his side, you relent into him. “Okay, fine.”

And later, he finds that you’re right. When he sits alone on the dimly lit train, he realizes that the warmth he had been feeling earlier, bathing in the sun’s rays with your lips, is long gone. All he feels now, is cold.

“You skipped practice the other day.” Jisung looks up from where he had been sitting on the bleachers, tying his shoes after practice. It had been a tough practice; he had missed quite a few passes and whiffed more than just a couple shots. He can only blame himself. He’s been distracted; alongside his worries about you, he also has a job to attend to and even more, the results for his dream school’s soccer scholarship is supposed to come out soon. His gaze falls on all six of his closest friends, looking down at him.

“Yeah, something came up,” he says easily.

“More like, someone,” retorts Donghyuck easily. “We know you ditched to go see your girlfriend.”

“And what about it?”

“I don’t know what’s happened to you, man. You never want to play ball with us anymore, you don’t want to hang out with us. Whenever you invite you to a party, you raincheck. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore,” Chenle spits out, arms crossed over his chest.

“Chenle,” says Renjun carefully.

“No,” interrupts the boy in question. Chenle looks straight at Jisung, who stands now to meet the others’ heights. “He needs to hear this. Ever since that girl came around, it’s like you’ve lost your way. You used to be all about soccer and friendship. Now you always have her on your mind, and—did you see the way you played earlier?—she’s messing you up. Your head’s not on straight.”

“Chenle, stop.” Donghyuck speaks up now, voice low as he tries to stop the younger from going off. “You’re not the same Jisung I met in peewee camp, and I don’t know if I like who I’m seeing,” Chenle finishes.

That’s enough for him. His voice comes out before he can stop it.

“You know why I never party with you anymore?” Jisung suddenly says, voice booming and clearly at his limit. “Because I’ve always hated partying. Because I have a job now, and because I don’t want my sister to stay up worrying about me while I’m getting piss drunk. I hate drinking, I hate trying to look cool while actually looking fucking stupid, because I don’t know how I can even think about partying when my girlfriend is fucking dying.”

A hearty scoff leaves his lips, as though he can’t even fathom the words he’s faced today. “You don’t even know me anymore? That’s where you’re wrong, because you never knew me. Not all of me. You only see me as the star player who’s gonna get you your win. She knows me, she knows all of me, and she doesn’t try to change me. Well, sorry that I’m not the same kid you met years ago who let everyone walk all over him. I thought you guys were my friends, but clearly you only want me around for as long as I can play.”

Those are the last fiery words to leave Jisung’s mouth before he turns on his heels, storming off the field and away from everyone else. He just needs to get out of here, away from everything before he ruins it. Mark and Hyuck follow after him, while Jeno and the rest hold Chenle back.

“Don’t listen to him,” Mark says, ever level headed. “We know what you’re going through.”

Though he appreciates their concern, Jisung spits, “No, you don’t.”

Both of them stop walking, no longer chasing after him as Jisung pulls out his phone.

A new email.

He immediately opens it, eyes glazing over the text.

Dear Jisung Park,

Thank you for applying to our university’s soccer scholarship. We reviewed every application with our utmost dedication and attention. Unfortunately, we regret to inform you that we cannot accept your application at this time. Our soccer program is one of the most competitive at this school, however we encourage you to reapp…

What a load of shit.

The past few weeks have been horrid.

Soccer is as tense as ever, though Jisung would be lying if he said that his fight with Chenle didn’t fuel him to work even harder during practice. His job sucks, especially after someone spilled a bucket of old oil on him (it was cold, thank goodness but still gross nonetheless). So far he’s gotten another rejection. Who knew that getting into college would be this hard?

He wishes that he could say his relationship with you is the saving grace, but it’s really not. You’re in the hospital now, and the two of you have been talking less and less. Even now with his feud between his friends, he feels even more alone. Today when he calls, you sound even more tired than usual.

“Hey, chocolate honeycomb bunny,” Jisung says, giving his absolute worst at giving a cringe-worthy nickname. It seems you’re too tired to even give a repulsed response.

“Hey.” You’re quiet for a moment, only your breathing heard across the line. “What’s up?”

“Nothing much,” sighs Jisung, running a hand through his dark locks. “Just exhausted. My coworker is getting on my last nerve.”

“The same one you talked about last week?”

“Who spilled the dirty oil on me? Yeah,” he responds with a roll of his eyes. “We’ve both been working the same amount of time, I just want to know why he’s so slow to pick it up.”

It’s characteristic of you to agree, seeing as complaining is one of your favorite past times. But you don’t, voice only coming out softly across the call, “Maybe just give him some time.”

“Yeah, I don’t know,” he sighs. “How about you? Are you feeling better?”

“About the same,” you respond truthfully. God, you sound so tired. He almost feels bad for making you talk to him when you clearly sound exhausted. “Any more results?” You ask, regarding his college acceptances.

“No,” he shakes his head. He doesn’t understand. He’s a good student, he’s done community service. Just what more do they want from him? “You said I was special, but I don’t think the colleges see that.”

He can almost see your small smile in his mind. “You are special. Just ‘cause they don’t see it doesn’t you aren’t.”

“Eh, I don’t know,” Jisung says, playing with a loose thread on his bedsheet.

What you say next catches him off guard. “Maybe we can both be college-less, together.”

“What?” He asks, brows tightening in confusion. “Didn’t you get into the journalism program at that one university?” He’s caught you. You’re silent on the line for a few long seconds, but the quiet is deafening for him.

“I did, but Jisung, I…” You hesitate. “I’m not going.”

“What do you mean you’re not going?” He asks.

“I… I don’t know if I want to.” In a small voice, you continue, “I don’t know that I’ll make it that long.” What are you saying? What are you implying? Heart racing, Jisung tries to decipher these words in his mind. To him, it just sounds like the end.

“You’re giving up already, I hear it in your voice.”

“I’m not,” you say, a broken promise. “I just… want to be prepared for the worst.”

“The worst isn’t coming. You’re going to get through this. You’re going to beat it. I know you are.” It becomes blatantly clear in this moment that the person Jisung is trying to convince, is himself.

His pleas fall upon deaf ears, because you argue back in what seems like the strongest voice you’ve made in months. As though you’ve amassed all your remaining energy for this conversation. “I’m not a hero, Jisung. I’m not cut out for this. The doctors said it’s not looking good.”

“Then prove them wrong. You’re gonna beat it.”

“I don’t want to be the underdog either, Ji. You know I hate them.” What you say next has his blood boiling. “I don’t deserve it anyways, no one would want me to come back.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Jisung raises his voice now, volume growing with each word.

“No one likes me,” you spit out across the line, and he doesn’t need to see you to imagine how incensed you are at the moment. “I’m rude, I’m loud, I cross boundaries and I say things that hurt without caring about who it touches. And before you yell at me that no one thinks of me like that, these are things I’ve heard from other people.” Your voice breaks, as does Jisung’s heart. “If this were a movie, no one would root for me to survive.”

“I do,” Jisung says, voice strong. “I’m rooting for you. Every. Single. Day. And who cares about how other people see you? You’re rude? You’re crass? I like you because of those things, because you’re different from me. Am I not enough?”

“You’re different,” you relent, voice tired. “You’re the only one who matters. But I—“ You choke up. “I’m just tired of fighting. I don’t want to go to sleep every night not knowing if I’ll wake up the next morning. I want to be strong, and I want to face every day knowing that it could be my last… I don’t want to leave anything behind—”

“You’re not leaving,” he cuts in.

“—and I can’t go through every day letting you think that everything is okay, because they’re not. But I’m ready to let go, Ji. Because I’m happy with what I had, with what we had, and I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

Tears are falling down his cheeks now, suiciding off the surface of his face and staining his bed sheets. He doesn’t know if the tears are the result of sadness, anger, or the pain of loving someone the universe would never let him have, yet it hurts all the same. “But I love you! I told you that I loved you.”

“I love you too,” you cry, and the sound is heartbreaking. “But I just wish that were enough.”

A pregnant silence consumes both of you. All that can be heard is the sound of your mutual crying, along with your breathing that Jisung had learned to fall asleep to. When you speak again, your voice is steady. You had always been the stronger one. “I don’t think you should call anymore.” A few sniffles. He can’t even speak. “Goodbye, Jisung.”

Then the line dies.

It’s Christmastime. He knows it’s cold, probably even colder in the hospital where you are.

Now, Jisung knows you don’t want anything from him. You don’t want him around. In the past weeks he must have become someone even he wouldn’t want around. And though he gets the feeling that you’ll never need him again, he figures you could use a sweater. It’s nothing much, and really he thinks it could be better.

A hoodie, not fit to your size but slightly larger because he knew you well enough to know you’d like it like that. On one sleeve, near the wrist, a patch of a soccer ball. He had learned how to sew it on himself. On the other, his initials. JS.

He sends it in the mail, in a box to the hospital with your name and room number on it. There’s no letter, nothing. Just his bare soul in the form of an oversized cotton hoodie. He’d send it himself, appearing at the door to your hospital bed, but something tells him he’s run out of things to say.

His phone rings at three in the morning.

He knows what it means.

February 2nd, at 2:39AM. The world lost you.

It would never be the same again, and neither would he.

Grief is an interesting thing, someone once told him.

He doesn’t quite remember who it was, whether it was his sister comforting him after the death of their goldfish, the guidance counselor at his school giving him a required appointment after the passing of a student, or yourself. But as the hours go by, it feels more and more like a weight in his chest that has been sitting on a hollowed place in his heart.

Grief is indescribable, and Jisung doesn’t know if this is because his limited seventeen year old vocabulary hasn’t collected enough fitting words to even begin to verbalize his emotions, or if because it really is indescribable.

The first few days had been hell.

He had almost become someone that he didn’t know, barely stepping out of bed and perhaps worrying his sister out of her mind. It was his way of ignoring the world, dissociating himself from the irrefutable truth that you weren’t really gone. You were still laying in bed, three hours away as usual, struggling but still fighting. If he could lay in bed, sleeping the days away and ignoring his text message condolences from his friends, he could pretend for some time that things were the way they were, eight months ago.

Eight months before it.

Eight months before he lost you. Before your relationship, a burgeoning dandelion in the nook of spring. But dandelions represent rebirth, the reappearance of hope like a beacon after an arduous winter, and you would never have another spring.

He could not pretend, because every morning the sun rose again, and he would have to reach his head out from the burrow of blankets he had buried himself in. He would need to face it for himself that he woke up, and you didn’t. His friends texted. His sister knocked on his door and begged him to eat, even going as far as to cook his favorite foods as a means to lure him from the darkness of his corner. He ate. But it was never the same.

Messy bedheads, earbuds tucked in with muzak playing gently like the thrum of his heart which beat enough for the both of you, tear-stained pillow cases, knees to the chest, light failing to shine in through the blinds which remained closed, counting the seconds between each breath, dreaming insubordinate dreams.

The first few days went like that. Empty.

Then he was angry.

Angry because the world had given him a love worth changing for, then ripped it from his inexperienced hands. He had never had anything in his life! Not a mother, not a father. Could he not have this one lily, this flower which sought to remind him of the fragility of life? And even more so, he was angry for you. You were a fire—you were a bottle of passion bursting at the seams, a well of untapped potential, a boldness which no one else could emulate—and the universe crushed you beneath its foot.

And suddenly, the emptiness of your hollow space reflected upon him.

He should have been better, should have done more. A soccer ball proposition? A sweater? It was laughable; that was the least he could give? If only he had called, if only he hadn’t listened to you like the meek child he was, things could be better.

And above all, he was sad.

What would he do without you?

Moving on seemed useless. A light at the end of a dark tunnel which stretched for ages. An epiphany that you would never reach.

He just hoped that it was not cold. That you left the world in a ball of light, surrounded in the warmth of family and love, not the rigidness of the unforgiving world. Perhaps it was selfish of him, but he hoped that the soccer ball sleeve had been clutched to your chest, and that his hoodie could have provided just a little bit of that warmth.

The walking pattern outside his bedroom door is different from his sister’s. So is the knock on the door; his older sister’s is much more quiet, reserved, as though she was afraid to wake him. This one is harsh, and it reverberates through the room before the door opens.

The air in the room is still for a moment.

“Jisung.”

It’s Chenle. And Mark, Renjun, Jeno, Donghyuck, as well as Jaemin. They all take their seats either on the end of his bed, the floor, or his beanbag, but Jisung doesn’t move from his place underneath the blankets.

“What do you want?” He manages to groan out in a small voice.

Someone places a hand on his leg, a comforting gesture. He thinks it’s Jaemin from the gentle touch. “We’re here for you.”

Donghyuck comments, “You haven’t been to practice this week.” Of course that would be what they would mention first. Jisung scoffs. “I’m kind of going through something.”

“And we’re here.” Mark’s voice.

“We wanted to apologize.” Chenle speaks now, and despite being best friends since they were five, he’s the last person Jisung expected to say sorry. In their decade-long friendship, Chenle was the confident one, the one who charged forward without consequence while Jisung trailed behind, cleaning up his mess. “We’ve been… assholes, simply put.” Had he been in higher spirits, Jisung would have snorted. “We thought we understood what you were going through, and we thought it was dumb. To let yourself get hurt over some random girl… but we were wrong. We didn’t understand your point of view.”

“Not even a little bit,” says Donghyuck, head hanging low.

“Yeah, we’re supposed to be your friends. Your team! We’re supposed to lift you up when you’re down and… well, we haven’t been doing that. And we’re sorry. I’m sorry.” Chenle says. Slowly, Jisung lifts his head from below the blanket to face his friends. They all wear a variety of expressions, all somber. “And we know now… she’s not just some random girl.”

Yeah, they’ve all been assholes, some more than others, and Jisung can’t exactly say that they were any help in his struggle. But perhaps this was something he needed to go through alone. At the time, he needed you. But now… he just really needs his best friends.

Tears sting at his eyes for the nth time.

“Come here, you crybaby,” says Jaemin, opening his arms.

It’s Monday, meaning he has to go back to school today. He’s not ready, how could he be? It hasn’t even been a week since you… left, but he knows he has to go back. His sister, God bless her, had let him take the first few days off but now that the weekend has ended and school has rolled back around, he has no choice.

“You look like shit.”

Donghyuck has always lacked a filter. It would hurt if Jisung didn’t know that Donghyuck meant that in the best way possible. You look like shit, he says. So I’m glad you found it in you to come to school, is what he doesn’t say.

Jisung closes his locker with a sigh. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” snickers his friend, and Jisung turns his head to find Mark and Jaemin approaching. “Morning,” greets Jaemin as he taps the top of Jisung’s head, despite being shorter.

“Hi,” responds Jisung quietly, clutching his chemistry textbook to his chest. The three of them look at him with quiet and somber eyes, but don’t say anything. Mark places a comforting hand on his shoulder, giving it a small rub.

“You got this.”

The truth is, he can’t do this. The world feels quiet and empty, lacking a particular passion that you used to always embody. It could be worse. Thank goodness your relationship was rather private; he doesn’t know how he’d be able to function at school had there been curious eyes on him, if you had gone to the same school as him.

The day goes rather slowly, and Jisung busies himself with catching up on his work that he had missed. He could almost pretend like things are normal. It’s not until fifth period calculus that something strange happens.

An office TA pokes her head in and scrambles over to the teacher, who was in the midst of a very enthralling lecture on integrals that Jisung was definitely not paying great attention to. The TA whispers something into the teacher’s ear, then hands her a piece of paper. Mrs. Huang nods, then suddenly Jisung finds her eyes on him. “Jisung, Mr. Moon wants you in his office.”

Him? Why him of all people?

Mr. Moon is the guidance counselor at their school, and Jisung has a moment of internal panic—had he somehow found out about you? Should he prepare himself for a lecture about grief and moving on?

With a gulp, he nods.

Mr. Moon is a fairly nice man, with a friendly smile and a reputation for being a pushover teacher. Jisung had met with him a few months ago to discuss his desire to pursue a soccer scholarship but he highly doubts that’s the case now.

When Jisung enters Mr. Moon’s office, the first thing he sees isn’t Mr. Moon but a tall man with a stoic expression standing behind his desk. In contrast to the stranger, Mr. Moon wears his trademark smile. “Jisung, good to see you. Still getting a kick out of that old ball?”

Of course, Mr. Moon doesn’t know that Jisung skipped practice all last week to mope in his bed, but Jisung nods politely. “Yes, sir.”

“Good,” responds the teacher with a smile. “Take a seat.”

He gestures to the chair in front of his desk, and cautiously does Jisung take a seat. The tall, bruff man is still standing there with his arms crossed over his chest, having not yet said a single word. Somehow the atmosphere is tense, and Jisung’s quite sure he knows what this is about.

“Now, Jisung, I’ve called you in today because—”

“Is this about (Name)?” Perhaps it’s a bit rude of him, but Jisung doesn’t want to be prodded at, at least not by people who think they know him. The last thing he wants is pity.

Mr. Moon’s eyebrow raises just the slightest, and he leans forward on his desk. “Why, yes, it is. How did you know?”

A scoff leaves Jisung’s lips, but it’s much weaker than he would like. “My question is, how did you know? Who told you?” Who was it that shared information on his personal life? Was it his sister? His friends?

“Nobody had to tell me, Jisung. (Name) sent the letter to me herself.”

Wait… what?

Jisung blinks, hands falling slack on his lap. “W-What? What letter?”

Perhaps his staring is a bit too obvious, for Mr. Moon gestures to the stranger in question with a hand. “Jisung, this is Johnny Seo.” Finally, the intimidating stranger has a name. “Johnny is the head coach of the soccer team at Greenwood University—” Wait, Greenwood University? That’s Jisung’s dream school—well, it was his dream school, until they rejected his application for a soccer scholarship. What would they want to do with him? “—and he wants to offer you a full-ride scholarship.”

What?

Jisung’s mouth falls open. What? What the hell? Hadn’t they just rejected him three months ago? His eyes must be bugging out of his face, so he blinks repeatedly, trying to find the words to say.

“W-Wait, what? A… A full ride?” He stammers, unable to find his tongue.

The man named Johnny only nods. “Full ride. Covered tuition, dorming, and soccer costs. All you have to do is keep your grades up and keep scoring those fancy goals of yours I’ve heard about.”

“But—But, you rejected me… why now?”

For the first time, Johnny gives a small smile. “Because of the letter.” There it is, that letter again that Jisung has no idea about. He looks to Mr. Moon for guidance. All the counselor does is open his desk drawer and pull out an envelope, which he slides across his desk. “(Name) (Last Name) wrote a recommendation letter to the university, and honestly, it was stunning. It was enough to make the admissions board… bend a little, to say the least.”

Reaching forward, Jisung grabs the envelope and examines it in his hands. It’s opened, but yes, on the front is your handwriting. He’s cried so much this past week that he doesn’t know how many times tears have touched his eyes, but they sting once more. This time, he doesn’t let them fall.

“She… wrote a letter. For me?”

��That she did,” responds Mr. Moon.

“She’s right,” says Johnny suddenly. “In our work at the university, we’re always looking for the best of the best. We should look deeper, sometimes.” The words sink in the room, and Jisung finds himself staring down at the envelope in his hands. What things had you had to say about him?

Honestly, all he can think about is his failure. How he failed to be there for you, how he cowarded in your presence when you told him to leave you alone. He bites down on his lip.

“So? Will you accept our offer?”

Jisung looks up again, meeting Johnny’s expectant eyes. “I…” His mouth suddenly runs dry. “I don’t know, I… I need to think about it.”

“You’re not graduating for another four months. Take your time.” Slowly, still in glassy-eyed disbelief, Jisung nods. His fingers find the edge of the envelope, tracing its pointed edge. You wrote that for him. From across the desk, Mr. Moon speaks up. “You should read that letter, Jisung, and realize what’s coming for you: good things.”

To Whom It May Concern,

Hello. My name is (Name) (Last Name), and I am a high school student writing this letter to appeal a rejection by your university. Not of my own application, but of an extraordinary person with the name Jisung Park. In my humble opinion, I believe that your institution has made a grave mistake in not offering a scholarship to Jisung. So, I write this letter to appeal such a rejection, and to do something that he hated, though it was what I always did best: write about Jisung.

Now, Jisung is a humble person who never speaks up about his struggles, but the truth is that of all students, I believe he is the most in need of this scholarship. His parents passed when he was young, and he grew up in the care of his older sister who raised him. Their small but strong family made sacrifices, gave up luxuries, and endeavored to survive.

In the midst of this crisis, Jisung found his one savior: soccer.

He is, without a doubt, the best soccer player I have ever seen in my entire life. He can sprint across the field in half a normal player’s time, and I’ve never seen him miss a goal or a pass. But his soccer prowess isn’t what makes him great. Moreover, Jisung is the person you want on a team. He believes in teamwork, but is always striving to be better. He doesn’t want to stand out, but does so anyways. He is never arrogant, nor boastful. If there is one person who deserves this, it’s him.

But, I am sure that you are thinking: why should this letter mean anything to you? I’m not a highly valued individual in the community, nor have I done anything significant for my name to mean anything. I’m only a seventeen year old student, a struggling journalist.

The answer to that question is, I know Jisung Park. You only see his grades, the shallow things on his application. You will never get to see the Jisung Park that I knew and loved.

In my time alive, Jisung Park made an impact on my life that will never be forgotten. Even when life seemed the darkest, not a beam of light in the field's view, Jisung picked me up and made me see the sunset. I know now, the sunset is beautiful, warm, and comforting—everything that Jisung is. He never left my side, and never for a single moment did I ever feel alone in his presence. The world often overplays the saying “a heart of gold,” but the truth is that Jisung has one.

I used to think that love would be red, like the burning of one’s lungs racing down a soccer field, or black and white, made to be simple. But the truth is, love is golden. Golden like the sunset painting streaks against the floor, golden like Jisung. It’s a warmth that covers you from head to toe, relenting into a future that you don’t know.

He is my golden boy, and he can be yours too.

I may not have a future, but if there’s one thing that I know, it’s that Jisung deserves one.

I’m a journalist. I don’t write love letters, but perhaps this is the closest I can ever get. And should Jisung ever read this letter, I hope he knows that with this, I dedicated my last spark of sunlight to him.

Sincerely,

(Name) (Last Name)

Your funeral occurs on February 13th, a week and four days after your passing.

Jisung stands in front of the bathroom mirror, nose scrunched in concentration as he makes a feeble attempt on his necktie. This is surely not as easy as throwing on a soccer jersey. “Ugh,” he groans, fingers getting confused again.

“Need help?”

His sister’s dainty voice calls him from the bathroom door. Dressed in all black, she’s ready too. Turning his head, Jisung sighs. “Please.” She makes his way toward him, fingers coming to work on his tie already with steady hands.

“You’re too tall now,” she says softly, with a chuckle. It’s true; he used to look up to her, physically and figuratively, but now he’s an entire head above her. “You’ve grown up a lot.”

It was his eighteenth birthday just a few days ago but to be quite honest, he hadn’t had the heart to celebrate it. If anything, he had always thought that his eighteenth birthday would be like an epiphany for him. As though he would wake up the morning of, feeling like an adult with all the answers to the world.

The truth is, he’s eighteen now and he still feels like he has no idea what he’s doing.

“I don’t feel any different,” he admits. “I thought eighteen would mean something.”

“You’ll get there, trust me. And anyways, I always told you not to grow up too fast.”

For a moment there’s a silence as his sister swoops the tie in and out, weaving it to form the perfect knot. Feeling something scratch at the back of his throat, Jisung speaks. “... I’m sorry.”

“What are you apologizing for, silly? I was the one who never taught you how to knot a necktie,” she chuckles.

“Not for that,” he says. “For last week. I… probably scared you.”

Suddenly, his sister is wearing that demure smile of hers again. The one that is small and polite, but always seems to carry more weight in it than he can see. “No. It’s okay, I knew you’d be better.”

Naeun finally finishes the knot, tightening it the slightest around Jisung’s neck. “There you go.” He offers her a small thanks as he turns to look in the mirror, and she begins to leave. A sigh leaves him; there’s no avoiding it now, he’s ready to go.

“You know, Jisung,” she suddenly speaks up from the doorway. “I’m glad that you met her. Even if it ended up like this… you’re different. In a good way, and I think she had a lot to do with it. Even if you don’t feel different… you are.”

In the months of your relationship, Jisung had come to learn your insecurities. You were loud and proud, but with that confidence came an unwavering insecurity that you were unliked by those you spilled your tongue to. At the funeral, Jisung sees that that’s not at all true.

People give speeches for you, place flowers on your grave. The school newspaper had even written an article to commemorate your presence on their team, and the president of the club reads it aloud. A number of hospital staff make their appearance.

Even Jisung’s friends show up, despite the clear memory of them calling you crazy early on. Maybe they were right, maybe you were crazy. But he probably was too.

It doesn’t rain a single drop, though it had been pouring for three days before. Instead, the sun peeks through the overcast clouds, gifting sunshine.

Jisung smiles.

He probably looks like an idiot, carrying the soccer ball around the entire funeral but he knows what it means to him, and what it means to you. When he places it on your grave, the grass still fresh, his eyes catch the carefully written words on a singular white spot.

I love you.

He knows that he means it.

At eighteen, there a lot of things that Jisung still doesn’t know. But even so, there are a handful of truths that he can hold onto forever. One, he’s still an incredible soccer player and girls are still very scary. But like soccer, maybe that just takes time and practice.

Two, growing up isn’t about a number. It’s not about partying or drinking, nor is it about rushing into relationships that have little meaning. For years Jisung had wanted to grow up, to face the world with no fears and be able to cruise through. But he knows now that growing up is about being strong in the face of sadness, pain, grief. About waking up every morning even if you feel like you have no reason to.

Love is the same.

Love isn’t about making out on the bleachers after practice or trying to copy the coy clichés seen in romance movies. It’s about the sacrifices, like four hour bus rides. It’s about communication and connection, like a recommendation letter traced in gold. Because of you, he’s moving forward. He can go to college, and the day will never come when he stops being grateful toward you and everything you’ve done. That’s love, and he will spend the rest of his life loving you. Maybe the love will change but it will always be love.

It hurts that you’re gone, it really does. Jisung doesn’t think it’ll ever stop hurting.

But the last thing he knows is that things will be okay.

Life moves on, and he will too.

#neowritingsnet #dreamwritersnet #nct-writers #neohbh #neothestars #park jisung angst #jisung angst #jisung fluff #park jisung fluff #park jisung fanfic #jisung fanfic #nct dream fluff #nct dream angst #nct angst #nct fluff #nct fanfic #nct dream fanfic

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ocoree · 3 years

Text

Heys - still poking away at the last three pieces on my to-do list, but this month I got really screwed over by local family and a promise they haven't kept. (Family has since paid for the work I've done with them, so this is gonna start going towards vet costs to cover shots and neuter/spaying of the kittens) This is also my first time officially posting something more serious on this platform. Mostly looking to at least cover standing bills right now, but any extra beyond that would be really helpful! I aim to work on sketch pieces as warmups between the bigger commissions, but ultimately this is still first-come-first-serve! I'll be opening individual slot batches across my normal posting sites, so folks who use a dedicated platform has an opportunity to snag a piece! Aight, onto the image transcripts! -------- Sketch Commissions -Prices include a prop item and basic apparel. - Basic Tier- Sketch - Tidier lines than staged sketches - cleaned and refined digitally w/ simple shading. -----Bust - $12 -----Halfbody - $15 -----Fullbody - $20 ----------- Upgrades!- - Inked- Featuring an experimental lining style w/basic shading. -----Bust - +$3 -----Halfbody - +$5 -----Fullbody - +$10 -Colored- Will be as color acurate as possible from provided reference(s) w/basic shading. *Price stacks with Inked Upgrade* -----Bust - +$5 -----Halfbody - +$10 -----Fullbody - $+15 ----------- Add-Ons -Basic Background (gradient+texture) - No Cost ----- Background Window - +$5 - + Character - +50% base price per character - + Additional Props/Complicated Outfits- +$5/component ------------ -Can Do's- This list is not limited to the categories of species groups listed below - If you don't see something on the list - feel free to ask! Chances are I'm gonna say yes - -Dragons -Dinosaurs -Avians -Aquatics -Reptillians -Felines -Canines -Aliens* -Hybrids* -Mythos* -Anthro -Feral -Biomech -Pets -Fan-OCs** * - Human-faced characters are case-by-case, as they are an anatomy aspect I'm still working on perfecting. ** - These need to be your own creations and/or verified ownership of the design. Modified/recolors of canon/artist characters will be disregarded. ---------- -Form!- For ease of tracking things, this handy form below would be much appreciated to be used in a DM! -Payments are unfortunately through Paypal at this time, with sketches being full payment upfront, and anything above $50 can be done in half payments. Multiple slots can be requested due to the multi-platform allowances! Name- Character- (Ref sheet link) -Additional Character- (Ref sheet Link - remove if not needed)

Props/Clothing- (Remove if not needed!) Upgrade Me!- (Which upgrade - remove if not needed) Add-Ons- (Remove if not needed) ---------- Slots! 1 - OPEN! 2 - OPEN! 3 - OPEN! 4 - OPEN! 5 - OPEN! 6 - OPEN! 7 - OPEN! 8 - OPEN! 9 - OPEN! 10 - OPEN!

#commissions #characters #sketch #ink #colors

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marindram · 3 years

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full transcription of Marin's blog from Omega Mart!

huge thanks to @b0chelly for recording a scroll-through, which i typed this out from. (and warning for Omega Mart lore/story spoilers. second half is in reblog)

Marinknows.best

Location: Seven Monolith Village

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June 26, 2018

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeee!

So 14 feels way different than 13. For real. I think it's because I was expecting 13 to feel different, but sometimes when you expect something it turns out the opposite ya know?

Plus, 13 is like, "I'm new to being a teenager!!"

14 is more like, "I'm becoming the person I want to be." At least that's how I want it to be. I wanted to start this blog as a record of all that.

I should ask Did you guys feel the same way when you turned 13 and 14?

But probably nobody's gonna read this because I'm just a weirdo in the weird dessert. I mean, I know my best friend Jesse is reading this (hi Jesse). Besides her, crickets.

But yeah, if you are reading this and you don't know me - I live in Seven Monolith Village, a teensy tiny town that you've only heard of if you're into aliens or homesteading. And I'm literally stuck. As in, I'm physically unable to leave. My first memories are of all the adults in my life (Charlie, my great-uncle/father-figure - Rose, my what? Roommate? Mother-figure? Pseudo-aunt? All of the above? and my mom, Cecelia. who doesn't live here) telling me that for some reason, there's something wrong with me that makes it so I can't leave a certain radius of where we live. I got older and thought that they were just exaggerating to keep me safe, but then last year I tried. And it was, let's just say not good.

Anyway. That part of my life sucks, but not everything sucks. This year is all about Marin Dram 2.0. Not new, but definitely improved.

And maybe someday, somehow somebody will read this and care about what I have to say. Somebodies, even. Until then, this is Marin Dram signing off and sending my lame contemplations into the void!

July 1, 2018

Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 20 (and some of these will never happen like are literally unable to happen but JUST LET ME DREAM

1. Kiss someone (who???)

2. Meet HTB (kiss him) (jk he would never) (plus meeting him would be enough)

3. Go to Paris

4. Go to Rome (or somewhere cooler in Italy, look up where is the best pasta???)

5. Go to Greenland (why not???)

6. Go to New York City

7. Go to LA (with a dream and my cardigan lol)

8. Go to the Grand Canyon (this isn't mine, but 9, Jesse is sitting right here and she went to the GC when we were 12 and she's like blah blah blah it's my favorite place in the world and you'll love it. I'm doing this so she'll shut up.

9. Live in a normal house with normal rooms → ideally 12 of them: living room AND TV room, kitchen, dining room, 3 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, study/library.

-plus an upstairs downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I got my own

-plus an upstairs/downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I get my own room with an actual door. Very into doors.

10. Go to a mall (Jesse says there's a bunch of bonkers ones in Vegas)

11. Make friends who aren't Jesse (no offense, Jesse)

12. Get Cecelia (my "mom") to teach me about business stuff so I can open my own cool coffeeshop/bookstore someday

13. Learn to drive (ask Charlie to teach me, he's obsessed with his truck) (Jesse says she can teach me because she's Little Miss Mechanic and thinks she knows everything about cars but news flash Jesse: you're you get than me)

14. Figure out my signature style- like I want people to send me pictures of things and be like "this just screamed Marin" and for that to be true

15. Liquid eyeliner??

16. I'm stopping here because I just read over all this and want to die/cry because easily 3/4 of these are literally impossible?

17. Kill me

18. Bye

19. Lololol Charlie just came in and I was complaining about this, not being able to leave and stuff, etc and he said that I should visit new places by... reading books?? And I mean I like to read. But dude. That's the dumbest thing I've ever head.

July 30, 2018

Okay so this is what I want my life to look like:

I want a pink room. Not just pink... P I N K. Cool pink wallpaper (floral? jacquard??), pink carpet, lots of pink flowers everywhere, a four-poster bed with a pink silk canopy, lots of cool pink throw pillows. Like, so pink that

people think I'm being sarcastic! Oh, and BOOKS. Floor-to-ceiling bookcases, and some of the shelves have, like, STUFF on them that isn't books, like gifts people gave me, or things I've collected on my JOURNEYS. You know, normal stuff that people who live on normal places and do normal things have.

If I lived in in this room, it'd be in awhite three-story house at the end of a cul-de-sac (did you know "culs-de-sac" is the plural? Not "cul-de-sacs"? crazy) and I'd wear very classic girly clothes and my hair would always do what I wanted it to. It'd be one of those towns that people call small, but it's actually a city. just one with a kinda small, cozy feeling. Somewhere that gets cold enough to wear cute jackets but not so cold I have to to like, shovel my driveway. Not a non-place with like 100 people where you can't even go outside without going crazy.

August 2nd, 2018

I guess I should explain where I live, for all my avid fans out there! (lol) (hello??)

So like... I don't live on Earth. At least, not the Earth you think of when you think of EARTH. I live in some some weird off-brand version of Earth called the Forked Earth where there are aliens and magic wells of magic energy and everything is MAGIC but like the crappy kind of magic, where the sun never fully rises and some goo called "runoff" has made everything wacky and oh yeah, my mom is responsible for that and everyone here hates her!! LOL

Also, I can't leave! Like, literally can't! Rose says I'm a "special child of Source" and that's why but that LITERALLY explains tells me nothing, in fact it just raises further questions that no one can seem to answer! AHHHHHHHHHH

Anyway, the last time I tried to leave I felt. When I try to leave I feel like I'm being pulled back by something, like you know those old cartoons where someone's on stage doing something dumb and then someone offstage pulls them away with a giant shepard's crook? It felt like that, and when I opened my eyes I was back in 7 Monolith Village. UGH.

I know this sounds crazy!!!!! But believe me when I say that I am the least crazy person here. Also, """here""" is C R A Z Y. Runoff has made everything the bad kind of psychedelic and then people here actually DRINK IT! Not only do I not DRINK THE STUFF THAT HAS MADE THE WORLD INSANE, I also do not talk to aliens (or whatever Nula are) like Rose or believe crazy conspiracy theories like Charlie, so I believe that qualifies me as the most normal person in the Forked Earth, thank you for this honor, I accept this award with humility and grace!

September 4, 2018

I had the weirdest dream last night?? I was swimming in a pool full of cereal, and when I came up for air, my mom was pouring milk on my head like she was rinsing my hair. She had her hand over my face like I was a little kid and she was shielding me from soap getting in my eyes.

Anyway I have no idea what it's supposed to mean. I went to bed hungry and I need to take a shower? Lol

October 16, 2018

I was trying to hide this entry from Jesse, but JESSE IS A NOSY PERSON. She says that blogs are for readers, and if I wanted something to be private then I should "Just write in a fucking notebook and hide it under your bed like a normal person, Marin." I'm allowed to have secrets!! Anyway, I'm making her a freaking playlist, that's why I wouldn't tell her what I was writing about. but EVEN STILL! I'm allowed to have secrets!! But I have this blog because I wanna get my feelings out, I wanna see everything in my head typed out all nice in a way that doesn't make it look insane. You know? I don't know who I'm asking.) Because, it's not like I go to a normal school or have a normal life where I'm surrounded by normal people I can talk to. No one knows about me! I'm trapped in this crazy place and This blog is my only outlet to the world outside. I KNOW that's heavy but it's true! The point is: Jesse's birthday is coming up. The central consistent thing in pretty much my whole life is sharing headphones with her and listening to music. The soundtrack to my entire existence is her. I wish I had money and could buy her the best presents of all time, but I can make her the best playlist of all time. I want it to be so good it feels like magic. I want her to think I'm magic. I had another dream the other night. I don't remember much, just glitter. I must be crafting too much. Or looking at festival makeup tutorials. Or both.

November 12, 2018

WARNING- Weird thoughts ahead, lol.

I can never tell which feelings are normal, and which are me being a giant weirdo. But for as long as I can remember, I've had this feeling like every part of my body that's possible to have a ribbon tied around it, has a ribbon tied around it. It's so weird. I can't see the other end of the ribbons - how far they go. where they're attached, nothing. And sometimes it's fine, because sometimes I can hardly feel them. I can forget about them for days at a time, weeks, months if I'm lucky. But then other times I can feel them like, pulling at me. It's freaking spooky, to have something pulling at you from somewhere you can't see. I can't tell if it's pulling me toward whatever it is? Or if it's trying to warn me? Or if I'm just insane??

Does that make sense? Does anybody else feel that way? (she asks into the void)

So idk I guess this ribbons-feeling is why I'm really careful all the time. Like I'm just a careful person. Charlie tried to give me a hard time about it, and I can't be like "I don't wanna pull back in the ribbons too hard without realizing it and wreck something!" because he'd be like "WTF Marin, do we need to get you help?" But also, more and more, I want to be the opposite of careful. I want to take a pair of comically oversized scissors and cut the ribbons into so many pieces that nobody can even tell what they are any more.

I don't know why I'm such a freak, only that I am. I don't know why I can't leave 7 Monolith, only that I can't. But there must be a reason, even if I can't see it, and I feel like it makes sense that the ribbons-feeling is part of that reason, right?

There's just a lot.

January 15, 2019

Happy new year! Lol I forgot to write on the actual first day of 2019, but OH WELL!

I got this new glitter nail polish, thanks to the monthly makeup subscription box my "mom" sends me as an outlet for her abandonment guilt. It has like, every color glitter imaginable without quite reading as "rainbow" which is fine just not really what I was in the mood for and it's vaguely halographic and shifts into all these different colors depending on the light. I'm obsessed. Anyway.

I was putting on another layer because I chipped it like 20 minutes into wearing it, and all of a sudden I had this feeling like I recognized the glitter? Like I felt this thing way deep in my gut and for a minute I couldn't breathe. It's the closest thing I've felt to how books and movies make Christmas look. Like I was home, with family, cookies and cider and all that stuff. Familiar and safe. I almost didn't recognize that feeling. And it came from the nail polish. How weird is that.

I mean, I don't want to make it sound like I've had this awful Charles Dickens childhood - Rose and Charlie are the best ever and always there for me and I love them a lot. But things never feel like...home. You know?

My mom always says this cryptic stuff about how I'm "special" and I wanna strangle her because I'm not, but you try getting my mom to stop doing anything she wants to do. Rose told me once that one day, I would "lead the charge into a new era of existence and access" because I'm "of the Source" and I was like uhhhh okay?? Charlie mostly treats me pretty normal, except when I ask him questions about our family. my mom or any Dram. He knows that I want to know more about them and he's my only real entrypoint, but apparently he's like the black sheep of that whole family. He and my mom were close way back right before I was born, but now whenever she comes to visit he barely even looks at her.

So that's to say: nobody tells me anything, ever.

January 16, 2019

Okay this is so weird. I wrote that entry yesterday about glitter and then last night I dreamed about glitter. Then I woke up with purple glitter in my bed?? Like not a lot, so at first I thought it was from my nail polish, but it was just a handful of purely purple glitter that looks nothing like my nail polish. SO WEIRD!!!!!!

February 14, 2019

Rose has an old book full of "ye olde" style fairy tales, and I flipped through it for the first time in forever today.

Not so weirdly, I've always been drawn to the story of Rapunzel.

Rapunzel couldn't leave the tower, or else she'd break her neck and die.

Same.

February 19, 2019

I was reading this article the other day in one of the teen magazines my "mom" gets me a subscription to and it was all about body positivity, which is great, but it was basically just like "wear a crop top if you wannna wear a crop top! it doesn't matter what size you are! You go, girl!" And like, sure. Yes. I am all for that. But doesn't it seem like there are some steps missing in there? Like, I can physically put on a crop top and wear it outside. But how do I convince myself that everybody isn't looking at me and making fun of me in their minds? How do I unlearn the last almost-fifteen years? How do I get actually positive about my body, not just put on a crop top and fight the urge to cry all day?

It's the same thing like when my mom sends me brochures from the CEO camp she ten when she was my age (her dad started the camp for her, which is an insane thing just by itself, but she did all the work, which is even more insane) and she's like "Marin, you lack direction for your life" and I'm like, cool mom. Yeah. I can see that. What I can't see is how to get there from here.

March 2, 2019

This is what I want my life to look like, volume 2:

The walls of my room are covered in Polaroids of me and my friends. There are lots of mirrors in all kinds of shapes. hearts and moons and stars. There's a record player and a lot of vintage records by Billie Holiday and Lena Horne and Peggy Lee and Nina Simone. And Christmas lights! Everywhere! Lots of of pink and purple Christmas lights everywhere.

If I lived in this room, I'd have so many friends and be part of so many clubs. My best friend would have a collection of vintage cameras, and every place we go to that has a photo booth, we'd get photos taken. Every time I'd look at myself in one of those mirrors, I'd feel happy at what I see and never weird or sad. (Jesse hates taking pictures, so even when I actually do normal stuff with her there's no evidence. What even is a life supposed to be without evidence? That's not an actual question you need to answer Jesse, it's just a question)

Anyway, if I lived in this kind of room, my mom would probably be like, an art history professor at a liberal arts college. That's how come everything looks so cool, because I would know stuff about art. My mom and I would love to try new recipes together. We get each other new cookbooks for every special occasion, and right now we're working out way through a Moroccan one. Moroccan Mondays.

In actuality, there's a dust storm happening outside and my eyes sting.

March 9, 2019

Here's what I'm obsessed with lately.

Can. You. EVEN???

February 3, 2020

Omg I totally forgot this blog existed!!

I lost the password and instead of just resetting it I got in one of my super stubborn moods (Taurus moon lol) and just kept putting in guesses and jokes on me, it locked me out. Anyway, that's a boring story.

But my friend Ximena is really good at hacking and stuff, so she got me back in. Yeah you read that right - I have friends. Obviously a lot has happened since my last post. Ximena moved out here a couple months ago (X's family used to live here but they moved away a while ago) and she introduced me to Lora who I sorta-not-really already knew, and Jesse and I have been hanging out with them a ton. Jesse kind of more than me. Which is fine!!

Anyway I'm 15 now? If I lived somewhere normal I'd be psyched about almost being 16, because I'd get a car and have a Sweet Sixteen and eat a huge PINK cake, but I don't!

February 16, 2020

I read this fanfic the other night that was written in the second person so everything was like "you." "you're doing this" etc you know?

So... You go to a drive-in movie with Heartthrob Boy, and he spills soda on you by accident. And you take off your shirt ( you have a tank top on, don't worry) to clean it up, bit you're still all sticky and self-conscious about being sticky and HTB like... used his tongue to get it off??? AAHHHHH I'M DISGUSTING

but also I wonder if a boy will ever touch any part of me with his tongue

March 2, 2020

Hi I don't know if you heard but I have friends :)))

March 15, 2020

I think I'm so into painting my nails and doing my hair because those are things that always fit. I don't have to worry about places not carrying about a size 8, or places that carry XLs but when you read the measurements they're actually size 8s too and it's like jesus if that's an XL what am I

My "mom" was confused why I needed new pants because mine still look new, but I showed her the thigh holes and she was like "that's a weird place for a hole, how did that happen" and I realized that when your legs are a certain size, you just don't know about thigh rub and what it does to clothes. Pants could just last for years.

No matter what, I can paint my nails with a different color nail polish on every finger, and I can always do a braid crown. And I know I'm cute as hell, etc, so this is not a Marin Needs to Learn to Love Herself thing. It's just an UGH thing

April 17, 2020

So Rose does all these Source experiments on plants and flowers and stuff. Tbh, it's just one if those things I hardly even register anymore because it's just always there. She's explained to me a million times what Source is/does/means, but the way Rose explains things sometimes is just a LOT to take in and she refers to me as a "child of Source" but I kinda figure that's like "child of God" right? What else would that mean?

But anyway, it's really annoying because dried flowers are a part of my new aesthetic and I pinned a bunch of them up on my wall but I woke up this morning to a freaking jungle of very alive flowers. I freaked out. on Rose, and she Rose said she didn't do it and I was like WELL THEN WHO DID and she said that I did??

Which like. Obviously that doesn't make sense. I asked her what she meant and She just shook her head and said " It's happening. We should have known" which is some horror movie shit that she refused to elaborate on. I love to feel safe and normal!!

Or maybe it's not a horror movie at all. But maybe it's a superhero movie? Maybe there's some kind of origin story I don't know about yet, and all of this will be worth it once I figure out my powers. I wonder what my costume will look like. Lol.

April 23, 2020

Is it possible to die from longing? I know that sounds melodramatic, but I'm also kinda serious?? Because it seems like one of those things that could fester and get infected and kill you. It's like when you fall down and bang up your knee, and you need to put a band-aid on the scrape for a while, but THEN you need to air it out - but how do you know when you're supposed to do each one of those things? And if you do either one too much, your knee gets infected. What if I smother my heart with band-aids for too long and it gets infected? This isn't about anybody. I just keep having these dreams about someone I never expected to have dreams about and they're so intense that they keep leaking into my life and I wonder if I need to do something about them.

May 2, 2020

So Jesse's gotten really into metal music, and I tried to get her to play me something since, AS PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED, that's what we've literally ALWAYS DONE with music and each other, and she kinda looked at Ximena out of the corner of her eye and said like "I don't think it's really your thing" And it was the meanest thing anybody's ever said to me.

So later I looked up Zenion, the band she was talking about, and I listened to every single fucking song they've ever recorded turned up as loud as it could go with my own headphones that are better than hers anyway, and I loved it. And I didn't love it just because she said I wouldn't. I loved it because it was loud and weird and wild and when I listened to it it made me feel like it's not crazy when so feel stuff so hard it's like my heart's gonna vibrate out of my body. And I would have told Jesse all this and we could have shared it, but I guess she thinks just because I like HTB and glitter and stuff, I don't have the capacity for anything else.

She clearly doesn't know me at all. So much for any kind of whatever, why would she ever want to kiss someone she clearly sees as like a stupid baby.

May 7, 2020

The dreams are getting weirder and they're happening more. I'm getting scared to go to sleep. Not that the dreams are always scary (they almost never are, or not scary like in a typically scary horror movie way). I mean, I've only ever been me. I don't know what other peoples' dreams are like.

The other night in one I was jumping on a trampoline, which is something I've never done in real life. I told Rose about it when I woke up, and she said "do you even know how to jump on a trampoline?" and I said "Rose, it's not like riding a bike. You don't have to learn. You just jump." and then we got into this whole thing about how some things we just know, and jumping's one of them, and how that's so weird. Sometimes I really like talking to Rose about stuff.

May 19, 2020

So, it's prom season in the real world. If I lived somewhere normal, my prom dress would be pink with lots of tulle and silk flowers at the shoulders, and it would fit perfectly and trying in dresses would be fun and not anxiety-inducing.

But since there are only like 10 teenagers currently in 7MV, were not having a homecoming. Cool.

May 27, 2020

So, mom came to visit this weekend, and I asked her about her prom. She was Typical Cecelia at first, very "Prom is a waste of time and money, Marin. It's a night when lesser people play dress-up to engage with their aspirations of grandeur." And I was like eyeroll forever and just stopped talking. BUT THEN she actually talked to me like a human being. She was like, "I actually didn't go to my prom" and when I asked her why she said that she didn't have a date, and was very self-conscious about it. I almost passed out at her admitting that she's ever been anything less than perfect.

(gonna continue this in reblog)

#omega mart #marin dram #omega mart lore

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