#bad enough trauma can and will make you mentally unstable

[xan-izme]

Crybaby (Sully fam X daughter!reader)

Summary: Reader has always been a crybaby. Sensitive and had a soft spot for all living life. Jake disliked how sensitive you always were, he sent you out on your own for a month and came back a cold-blooded killer.

Warnings: Death, gore, mentions of death, mentally unstable reader, violence, Trauma

You were kind, sweet. Always looked on the bright side, you were on the same path as Kiri, training to become Tsahik. But it was clear you weren't as good as Kiri, which you were quick to admit.

That lead to Jake placing you with your brothers, training to become warriors. He wanted to tough you up, Jake loves how much you cherished love, he loved seeing the world through your optimistic eyes.

But ever since the sky people came back, he just needed his eldest daughter to be strong. Be there just in case he would leave this world a little too early.

"How many times do I have to tell you? Y/n, I need you to keep your balance! keep tripping like that you'll get killed." Jake's words hurt you, but you remember how upset he was the last time you nearly cried.

You inhaled sharply "Yes father." You stood up from the ground and faced your twin, Neteyam. He gave you a knowing look that wanted to know if they should stop, you shook your head lightly, not wanting to seem more of a wimp to your father then you already are.

You were an average hunter, your skills in fighting weren't that bad either.

But that wasn't enough for Jake. He needed to know that you were as skilled as Neteyam, as skilled as your mother was. So, it was always.

"Be faster"

"Hit stronger"

"Not good enough, try again!"

You would push your limit. Till you couldn't keep your eyes open. Your father would say words of gratitude here and there. Like small nods and a "Good work"

Your brothers sometimes feel like that's not enough for how much he makes you do. But just the smallest amount of approval from Jake made you feel like you were on cloud nine, causing you to do more, work harder.

Then one day, you were having a hard week, you were getting frustrated at the simplest things. Even your fathers nagging was annoying you.

When it came to training, you slipped up and made multiple mistakes that Jake just could not take it.

"Y/n, come now." Jake spoke calmly. You and your twin glanced at each other. You stood up with the help of Neteyam and followed your father.

The two of you walked through the woods.

"Baby, you know why I push you and your siblings so much, right?"

You nod your head, feeling a little nervous even if Jake was using his usual soft tone. "Then you understand--" Jake held you by your shoulders "--That this family, this clan is our fortress. And protecting this family is everything"

His words were deep to you, it was clear this was important to him. "And I need you to be strong. And training here hasn't been helping. So, Im sending you off. Away from here, so you can improve more on your own" Jake saw how your expression dropped "don't worry! It'll only be for a month. Ill check in every few weeks." He tried to reassure you. It didn't really calm your nerves down, but seeing how desperate he was to make sure you and the family was safe?

there was no way you could say no.

So, you left, you were on your own. The first few days were hard. And there were multiple times when you got seriously hurt and cried. God, you cried so much. All that crying made you hate yourself.

Hate every flaw you had. You even hated the soft part of you. Scolding yourself, knowing that kindness and your crying will not protect the clan, your family.

Jake did try to visit you. But you never stayed in one place. The two of you talked a little over the inner coms when you two would be miles apart. But those convocations didn't last.

You were training harder than ever. Perfecting every little thing down to the bone. In all honesty, you did go a little off from the safe zone, where you ran into a few sky people. You made it our alive, as for those sky people?

Well, you only let one live, still having that small kindness and mercy in you. Which was a big mistake.

You received a message from Norm and Max when they wanted to check on you, that a sky person bombed up a small part of the safe zone close to the high camp. No one was killed, but a lot were majorly injured.

Gaining all the details of the incident, you realize that it was the sky person you let live.

Cursing yourself and beating yourself for being so foolish, so naive for thinking nothing of what that sky demon after setting it free. So, you vowed to not give your enemy's any type of mercy, to kill all those evil demons, to protect you clan, your family.

Because this family was your fortress. And you were determined to be theirs.

Your month was over, and you were just so excited to go home. To hug and smother your siblings with kisses. To show your dear parents how strong and skilled you've become. To make your father proud of you. To officially be seen as enough to help protect everyone.

Norm gave you an inner com that was connected to your family, being told that your parents and dear twin brother were on patrol at the moment.

You decided to fly your Ikran to where you were told you parents and twin would be at. But when you were a few clicks away from them, you heard Lo'ak's voice. Saying he has gained sight of intruders. Ones who were carrying guns.

Dreamwalkers

You spoke into your inner coms.

"I'm closest to their location. I'll engage."

"Y/n-- wait, no! Y/n you better not!" Jake shouted.

"Y/n te i'tri Mo'ata Sully. Stay down! that's an--"

You turned your intercoms off. The safety of your baby siblings was the only thing you had in mind. It was almost eclipse, and telling by how the winds picks up and the clouds, it was to rain soon.

Your Ikran felt the panic and determination you were feeling and speed up to get to the location faster.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

You made it before your parents and twin could. You killed off every single dreamwalker. And that demon who took your mother's home away, who took Kiri's mother away.

The demon who caused so much harm to your clan.

"Any last words Demon?" you say, tilting your head as you held the sharp dagger to Quritche's throat. The Demon growled and spat in your face.

You weren't very pleased with that; you turned your head towards your siblings who were huddled against a tree.

"Spider"

The small human boy flinched by the way your voice sounded.

"Close your eyes." You said with a small fond smile. But it felt nothing like that. Kiri quickly brought Spider close to her and covered his eyes.

You looked back at Quaritche. The moment you slit his throat and began to detach his head from his body, was the moment Jake and Neytiri entered the scene.

Neytiri was quick to go by her younger children's side. Your ears perk and notice Jake. Once you laid eyes on him. Your face lit up.

"Father!" Youran to him and hugged him. Jake was in utter shock at the scene in front of him. He slowly hugged you tight. You pulled away, smiling, unphased by the amount of blood that was on you.

"I did it. I saved them. Look!" you pulled Jake to where Quaritche's dead body was and grabbed the head of the demon.

"I have killed him. I did it!"

Neteyam slowly entered and looked over what you had done.

"Mommy!" Tuk whined and was quickly embraced by Neytiri.

You were smiling, happy that you've finally rid your father of the nightmare that had burdened your family.

But when you began to see the look Jake had. You started to notice that was not the look of approval you hoped for.

"Y/n . . .What have you done?"

Your smile dropped, being replaced with confution

"Wha-. . .what? what's wrong? what did I do wrong!?" You didn't understand. Did you not put them down fast enough? Should you have taken out the leader before the others? What was it that was wrong??

"Y/n, baby. This--" He was pointing out to the bloody battle around them "--Is wrong. You tampered with their body's. Some of them are still bleeding out!"

"N-no! it's okay you see! I made it for them to not move at all and suffer their punishment." You tried to defend yourself. Tried to make your dear father know that it was okay. And that you did a good job.

Neytiri hurried the children to exit this part of the forest fast, including Spider. Neytiri didn't like Spider, but the boy didn't deserve to see all of this. None of her children did.

"That is not our way!" Jake yelled. Frustrated, worried and scared for his daughter in front of them.

Your ears pinned back. Feelings of sadness, betrayal and anger infecting your heart.

"Well, your way didn't work for me. You said so yourself! Why can't you just be happy!?" Your nose scrunched up in anger.

"I did this for the clan, for our family-- For you!" You were getting upset. All you wanted was the feeling of being called a Sully, worthy of the tittle as Toruk Makto's daughter.

"You can't do this. Your way will bring unbalance to the clan. And if you can't do that. . . then I'll have to strip your tittle as a warrior of this clan." Jake's words caused everyone to stop.

"Ma jake." Neytiri spoke, her eyes glancing between her mate and child.

You felt your bottom lip quivering. But your eyes refused to release the tears. You slowly backed away from Jake, nodding your head a little. Your eyes found its way to Spider who kept tripping, his legs still shaking from what he witnessed.

"Spider." You spoke up. The boy forced himself to look at you.

"Keep tripping like that. . . . . and you'll get killed."

#jake sully #neytiri #neteyam #lo'ak x sister!reader #jake sully x daughter reader #kiri avatar #spider #tuktirey #na'vi x reader #death mention tw #animal death

[verysium]

PLEASE DO BLUE LOCK ICKS IM BEGGING🙏😭🌹

😏 coming right up anon. gonna channel my inner critic and not hold back on any of these.

RIN

brother complex. not much else to say except that he needs to get a life. not everything is about metaphorically crushing your older brother's dreams and brooding in the dark hate of retribution.

competitive but only because he is a desperate whore for external validation. ignores everyone but craves the attention of a sole person named sae itoshi. was defeated by isagi once and has never let go of it since. has a one-track mind that is impossible to derail. stubborn when he wants to be.

probably a virgin and will continue to be one until his late 30s.

has not known a single day of peace ever since sae ditched him for the popular girlies. as a result, he has developed a very concerning case of social awkwardness. his idea of a conversation involves a brick wall and thirty minutes of you staring at his resting bitch face. constantly looks like that one grumpy cat meme. judges you for your poor decisions but then gets aggressively defensive when you point out his own mistakes.

reeks of so much teen angst that even metallica can't save him. the problem is that he has nothing to back up his emo persona. his insults lack creativity and, unfortunately for him, phrases like "lukewarm" and "half-baked" and "hell" do not make his words carry more weight. uses the f-word but in the most embarrassing context that it makes you facepalm and internally cringe.

SAE

zero social awareness. this boy's head is empty. the lights are not on up there. there are no picture frames or furniture. the curtains are drawn, and there is not a sliver of clouds or sunshine. cannot read body language and does not know what a filter is.

the source of all of rin's stress. he is the original trauma projector, creator of generational cycles. not even subtle about it. "turns out i was wrong. i thought japan was incapable of ever giving birth to decent forwards." sir....with the way you worded that, you knew exactly what you were doing when you gave rin false hope.

swears but it's even worse than his brother. literally called his elders a "fatso and bob cut duo" and "insect turd." i mean....there is a line between what is considered a legitimate burn and what is a first grader making up insults in his coloring book.

has a horrible haircut and no fashion taste. i already talked about this previously, but it was so bad it deserved a second mention.

a freak but tries to justify it rationally. like what do you mean you can tell a person's athletic ability from their buttock size? just admit you have a kinky fetish already.

somewhat of a coward but i'm gonna give him some leniency due to his tragic child genius backstory. tbh he's just an eighteen-year-old boy who needs a goddamn break.

KAISER

alexa please play clown music. this man sets himself for failure and then wallows in self-pity when he actually fails. like what did you expect? you knew what was going to happen the moment you challenged isagi like that. it was most definitely your fault you got violently humbled.

has a borderline god complex (currently calls himself an emperor but has not evolved into a deity yet.) unfortunately, he does not stand on business. cue the dramatic meltdowns when he realizes there is an actual gap between his ability and his reputation. if you're going to lie, at least make it believable.

insecure and mentally unstable. he probably cuts and re-dyes his hair every single time shit happens. no wonder his locks get shorter every time.

lazy when it comes to anything that is not football and expects others to do it for him. demands princess treatment wherever he goes. unfortunately, not all of us have servants with no self-respect like ness.

"it is not enough that i should succeed, others should fail" type of person.

does not wear shoes and even if he does, it's sandals. put them grippers away.

NAGI

a literal sloth who has so much potential but uses none of it. has no intrinsic motivation of his own, so if he's going to do anything, it has to be you behind the wheel, making sure he gets put to work.

does not have a close relationship with his parents, and so he has no sense of community, holidays, or traditions. no fun at all if you want him to do things like christmas shopping or birthday celebrations.

rots in bed all day and then has to nerve to ask you to carry him around. your back better be strong because his 190 cm body is not going to be light.

not loyal (need i say more.)

REO

second male lead syndrome. also known as that one popular guy who's always picked last.

acts like a victim but then when you realistically tell him to how to change his situation he refuses to do so. you cannot ask for advice and then take none of it to heart. no wonder you're still not over your ex.

"i can fix him" mentality. no, you can't. you are a seventeen-year-old child, not a licensed therapist and nagi isn't even all that.

NESS

touch-starved to the point he will stay in a toxic and abusive relationship in order to gain some scrap of affection. just because you were the black sheep of your family does not mean you can lose all sense of personal dignity.

probably stalks all the people he hates. has a burn book like regina george from mean girls. cuts out and glues little pictures of kaiser all over his bedroom. doodles hearts all over it with glittery gel pen. isagi's face and name are scratched out of every team photo.

delusional and prone to mood swings. medicated but at this point, he is beyond saving.

ISAGI

a home wrecker. has ruined more relationships than he can count on ten fingers yet still manages to smile like he's some angelic saint.

solves jigsaw puzzles for a living (not very cool if you ask me.)

has some unresolved anger management issues. probably repressed all his negative feelings when he was younger, so it all comes out when he's on the field. unfortunately, his twilight-sparkle-friendship-is-magic agenda is not going to work if he keeps cussing out his teammates like that. but then again, he is the main character, so i guess his plot armor makes up for his pitfalls.

says that he's a good guy but then holds personal vendettas against rivals he doesn't like. boy was so ready to throw hands when #kaisagi was trending on the internet. but when you actually think about, he's similar to kaiser in more ways than he'd like to admit.

BAROU

has the worst case of high and mighty "holier-than-thou" attitude. isagi put his ego in check, but it still peeks out from time to time.

he was the ugliest baby when he was born. i am not going to hold back on the child barou slander because it is true. no, he was not a cute and lovable bundle of joy. he looked like a demonic gremlin.

he needs to take more risks in life and try cross-dressing. simply imagining him in a maid uniform will not suffice. it needs to be made into a reality.

with how nit-picky he is, i doubt people can realistically stay within a 1-meter radius around him. unless you are a clean freak yourself, his constant complaints will start to get annoying after a time. even if he does have good intentions, he needs to let people have a little breathing room sometimes. a messy room is not going to kill you.

BACHIRA

this boy's brain is smooth. no folds. no gray matter. no intelligence either. his pencil and eraser have been left untouched since day one. if he wasn't crazily good at football, he would be unemployed and homeless in the future. not even a mcdonald's wants him.

one of those people who will do the literal opposite of whatever you say. you want him to stop talking? well, now he's never going to shut up. you tell him not to step on a pile of dog shit? well, now he's going to walk right into it. you want him to quit running around and act normal? well, now it's his life's mission to make you as annoyed as possible. please pray for your hair follicles because at the end of the day, you're not going to have many left with how much he makes you want to tear your hair out.

has the cerebral capacity of a toddler. if he thinks monsters are real, he's going to think anything is real. super gullible when it comes to any form of scam, ploy, or trickery. the only way he would not be fooled is if he's also played the same prank before.

SHIDOU

a brazen pervert. says the most out-of-pocket things and refuses to apologize for them. sometimes it comes out a little too sleazy for your liking.

"to me a goal is fertilization! a shot is the seed and the goal is the egg!! and the birth of that joy i call an explosion!! my genes are gonna knock you up!" let us give ourselves a moment of silence to digest this quote. only shidou ryusei would come up with a sperm and egg metaphor to describe football. (i guess protection means nothing to him.)

has no empathy. if you dislike him or cannot keep up with him, you're a literal nobody in his books. no sportsmanship. no compassion. no self-awareness.

you cannot say "balls" to him in a serious tone without him misinterpreting it as something dirty. that alone should tell you enough. stay the hell away from him.

where do men get the audacity? right here. from this little bastard. he invented the term "shameless slut." boy was getting off during the u-20 arc and on live TV too. no wonder sae said he was disgusting.

and finally, he comes from a long line of cockroaches. he's even got the antennae to prove it.

i think this might have been a little excessive, but i have no regrets about it. you're welcome anon ♡

#asks #blue lock headcanons #icks #blue lock x y/n #blue lock x reader #blue lock x you #rin itoshi #rin itoshi x y/n #rin itoshi x reader #rin itoshi x you #sae itoshi #sae itoshi x reader #sae itoshi x you #sae itoshi x y/n #michael kaiser #kaiser x y/n #kaiser x reader #kaiser x you #michael kaiser x reader #michael kaiser x you #michael kaiser x y/n #nagi seishiro #nagi x reader #nagi x you #nagi x y/n #reo mikage #reo x reader #reo x you #reo x y/n #alexis ness

[novalizinpeace]

It interests me that in your smiling critters au that mommy long legs and catnap have essentially switched personalities and roles with each other. In canon Marie is emotionally unstable and childish, killing the other toys when they fail her and flying into a murderous temper tantrum when we escape the games. While Theodore is relatively more well adjusted, being able to negotiate with ms delight and hunt us using intelligent tactics. In your au however Theo is the emotionally unstable one, flying into a rage and attacking the critters when his VHS breaks, even though they cannot possibly be blamed for it, and not understanding why he’s unable to kill Nell. While Marie is stable enough to serve as one of the leaders of the heretics and make reasonable decisions such as allowing the flower festival. I kinda what to know more about what circumstances could lead to these differences from canon.

IDK it was just interesting and your au gave me brainrot, I hope I’m not too much of a bother

I really love when i get this type of ask 'cause they get me excited about my own character process in the story, love to see other catching this details!

Now, let me answer you.

Yeah, Mommy and Catnap were switched here, and it was intentional.

The reason, you can already guess it: The gang.

Idk how close the critters were in canon, Dogday only tell us they were against the Prototype, but apart from that, nothing more. So we can guess the toys didn't really bonded.

In Canon, Mommy probably was all alone, or with toys that were afraid of her (like Bunzo and the mini huggies), so she lost her mind, the child inside of her fighting due a mix of trauma and insolation, and that how we get a Mommy so mentally unstable in game (she probably was better in dealing with her outburst before, but 10 years alone can mess with anybody's mind).

On the other side, Catnap has the prototype to practically raise him, so he ''turned out fine'' in a sense of, buring/killing completly the child inside him, there's no Theodore anymore, just a loyal soldier of the prototype, and since he didn't have attachment to the other critters, the idea of hunt them and kill them wasn't that bad, he only needed the prototype, so there was nothing to break him mentally.

Now in my Au, The gang changed everything.

Mommy wasn't left alone after the hour of Joy, she has someone more mentally clear (Alba) to help her keep her mind in check, she cared for them before and after the massacre, she was able to grown as a person without the constant pressure of Play.Co, so the outburst were less big after a time, to the point of been a really caring leader when needed. In a way, the gang save her.

On the other side, Catnap hasn't been able to kill Theodore from inside him, 'cause there's something that keep Theodore's presence in this world: Nell. Doesn't matter how much the prototype try to help catnap ignore the annoying voice in his mind, Theodore keep a strong hold in Catnap's actions, and forcing him to act like the cartoon version in a way to fake a reality to make himself feels better: Theodore wants to be happy like cartoon catnap, wants to have his brother care like him, wants to be loved like him... But he can't, 'cause he's a monster, his brother hate him, he was taking away by the other critters, nobody like him..... All that jazz, Catnap's outbursts are actually a way to reflect the internal conflict he has with the kid inside him, a conflict he had been leave alone to deal with.

there's more i could say about it, but let leave that for other posts.

#poppy playtime #smiling critters #smiling critters arg #ask #nova say

[taralen]

🔥HOT TAKE: Spamton was always unhinged, but the phone incident made it worse.

(A theory by an actual insane person.)

I often see people think insanity is something that just happens and that all sufferers were totally sane before. This isn't necessarily true for a lot of people who truly suffer from debilitating mental illnesses. While some mental illnesses can be largely attributed to trauma (especially PTSD), others are "sleepers" that were always kind of there but escalated over time. Some of the most severe mental illnesses stigmatized by society (psychopathy, bipolar type 1, and schizophrenia) can have genetic predispositions. Being an oddball out of all the Addisons, it's highly likely he was already "predisposed" to becoming totally unhinged, almost like a game with bad code (ex, Yandere Simulator) that is prone to crashing or glitching out due to the code being faulty in the first place.

Spamton's personality type also made him susceptible to developing problems later on in his life. He shows the classic signs of someone who falls into personality types that are ambitious yet overly critical (i.e., Personality Type A.) Being too critical of yourself and others can lead to some rabbit-hole-level reasoning that pulls your psyche deeper into your own mind, causing reality and perception to blur.

The one pulling the strings elevated him and satisfied his desire for success. When this was taken away from him, his entire self-worth and sense of being were destroyed. Spamton was never not ambitious. The fact he took such a dubious call and offer shows his desperate, unhinged nature. Maybe it wasn't severe enough yet to consider "insane," but he was impulsive and didn't think it through. Impulsivity and lack of control are more classical symptoms of someone at risk of or already suffering from a mental illness.

When he finally snaps, he gets so unfathomably unstable that people finally acknowledge him as being truly "mad." This is largely due to him expressing and experiencing all the hallmarks of mania.

Now, let me say this as someone who experiences mania firsthand. Mania is something you cannot control, and it's like falling in and out of consciousness when it's severe. People experience it differently, but it feels like being on a stimulant drug without needing to take anything. Spamton does all the following (which are associated with mania):

Talks rapidly and usually about himself.

Uncontrollable and inappropriate laughter.

Grandiosity (BIG SHOT!!!)

Impulsivity and risky behavior. (He invites someone he literally just met into his place without fearing any consequences.)

Irritability Now, take your understanding of what these are and dial it up with hyperactivity, racing thoughts, and feeling like you're half-dreaming. Congrats! You now have a better idea of what mania is.

His moments of lucidity are characterized by bouts of sadness and self-loathing. This is caused by a lull or (worse) a crash from mania. Severity depends, but it's something also uncontrollable.

What the phone incident did was make him unable to regulate himself, and so all his high-risk traits come to the centerfold. It doesn't help, either, that he was abandoned by his friends. Without social interactions, symptoms can become worse, which is why he's manic damn near 99% of the time.

This is a lot, but my hope is that it reframes how some people may interpret the character through someone who deals with mirroring issues.

💛

#deltarune #deltarune analysis #deltarune theory #spamton #spamton g spamton #mental illness #I hope this is at least a little interesting haha

[joficeandwind]

Reminder that you can be a victim of abuse, mentally unstable, AND a shitty person! I have seen too many posts and too many people in real life that put ALL of the blame on someone's mental conditions and just ignore that people have agency! I've seen so many people pull the "Well, yes, their mental health didn't help, but, what about Y factor that's out of their control?" When you try holding people accountable for their actions! So I'm gonna fight back on that bullshit here and now! So remember!

DO NOT give them infinite chances! Of course, you should give people struggling with trauma or mental issues room to make mistakes so they can learn and grow. But, you can't let them make fuck up after fuck up after fuck up, never try to improve, and not do anything about it! People can only fix themselves, so if they don't WANT to, and only say they will so they can get out of trouble, call them out for it! Give them a piece of your mind, berate them! Cut them off if you have to!

DO NOT expect people they've hurt to forgive them just because they're mentally ill or suffering with trauma! If someone with an undiagnosed Cluster B Personality disorder is an abusive partner for years, and they get therapy and become a healthier, better person, of course many people will forgive them and not be as outraged at them, even if they were the abused in that situation. But you should NOT force that onto others who wouldn't! A person would have every right to still be furious at them for what they did, especially not the victims! They have every right to blame THEM for what they did, and not their inner turmoil.

DO NOT downplay their shitty behavior caused by their mental health! NPD, BPD, ASPD, and adjacent Personality Disorders DO NOT necessarily make someone a bad person! You should not look at someone struggling with any of those issues and assume they have The Mental Illness That Turns You Into a Shitty Person. BUT! When someone is CLEARLY demonstrating toxic and destructive behavior that lines up EXACTLY with what they are diagnosed with, and they are CONSISTANTLY participating in these behaviors, you can't act like it's completely out of their control or not that big a deal! Do not protect them JUST BECAUSE they are mentally ill!

At the end of the day, just because someone is mentally ill, doesn't mean they can't be a shitty person! I had a neglectful and sometimes physically abusive mother with Bipolar Personality Disorder who was also a victim of CSA, and guess what? We have her CHANCE, after CHANCE, after CHANCE, financially supporting her, letting her live with us, LOVING HER, even after EVERYTHING, including almost TORCHING one of her ex-friends! But after long enough, when she ended up in jail on drug charges for the SECOND TIME, you know what happened? WE CUT HER OFF.

One of my first friends here on tumblr suffered from extremely low empathy, speculated to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder by the professionals she was in contact with for short periods of time and herself, and was also SUICIDAL, which I TALKED HER OUT OF COMMITING ONCE. Guess what? She was A-Ok and LAUGHED while being an accessory in spreading completely false accusations of RACISM and PEDOPHILA to onto a MINOR. (Me, who had literally turned 16 like 2 weeks ago at the time of this happening.) Why? She just didn't wanna bother with me or my friends anymore, we gave her a "bad image".

TL;DR, support mentally ill people and people going through tough shit, but don't coddle, woobify, or let them trample on you!

#j rambles #mental health #mental illness #emotional health #j rants #cluster b #borderline personality problems #narcissistic personality disorder #bpd #bipolor #accountability #trauma #alexis don't look

[a-doll-that-got-lost]

This is a post about Sylvester Lambsbridge from Web Serial Twig by Wildbow. He's Plural Btw.

(Warning: Major Spoilers for LITERALLY ALL of Twig. I can't talk about this without covering the entire story and talking very explicitly about the ending.) This is really a take I haven't seen anyone make about him ever before I don't think (not that many people are out here making takes about Sy, but) so here I am to loudly shout to twigblr that Sylvester Lambsbridge is plural and he makes factives of all the people important to him and he's a fucked up little freak about it. Now obviously Wildbow didn't write him to be plural. I think if he'd *tried* to write Sy that way he would've done a dogshit bad awful job, because he's Wildbow. That said, Sy's hallucinations of the Lambs (and later a number of other notable figures) that he conjures, who act with varying degrees of independence (especially later on in the story as he gets more unstable), match pretty closely with a lot of my experiences with being plural. The ways that each of his alters are interconnected and how they're tied into deep-rooted concepts (Duncan is Politics and Social Engineering, the Infante representing Power, etc) matches a lot with how things are structured with us. Also a lot of him is tied up in his fucked up relationships! Sylvester cultivates the people around him into the shapes that best please him. He does this because he is a very very traumatized, scared individual who was sold to or seized by the government and made into a child assassin when he was a toddler. They inject his brain full of neuroplasticity drugs which cause excruciating agony on the regular. This has, naturally, leads to him having an somewhat skewed worldview from someone from a more reasonable world. He views people as either Threats or Allies, and neither can be trusted fully, ever. Both can be manipulated, though for different purposes. For the Lambs of course he'd say that he was trying to help them thrive, help them get everything they want (and genuinely he does). But he still manipulates them actively, willingly, consciously, and deliberately. This means that fundamentally, no one can ever trust him (except Jessie but this post is long enough without getting into their relationship) and so he can't get the kind of human connection that he craves. This is where his alters supplement that human need for connection. All of Sy's alters are factives of real people (and monsters), both allies and enemies. The most powerful and concrete of them are the Lambs of course, as they're the closest thing he has to people he can trust and be vulnerable with. His alters serve to help him understand and predict them, since they will never trust him and open up to him in the way he craves (because A) he's Sy and B) they're all also sooooooooooooooo fucked up in their own ways :3). Sy's deteriorating memory also fits really really well through this lens because, well, dissociative amnesia! During the time that he was on his own and his mental state got worse and worse, more and more alters started forming. He starts losing more and more memories. This is just kinda stuff that can happen when you go through a big period of trauma and you're plural. It really just Fits. And the ending of Twig, well. The alter that was Sylvester is gone. Now the host is Lord Simon. Lord Simon is a somewhat more integrated person; a lot of the crowds and voices that built up alongside Sylvester got woven in. Fusion of alters is also a thing that happens, especially during big crises. A major headspace restructuring is also not particularly weird! This man is literally just part of a system. I think I've kind of finished what I was trying to say. No clue if this is coherent or if the people will care to read it, but here it is! Maybe I'll post more Twig thoughts in the future, who knows :3

#twig web serial #twig wildbow #wildbow #twigblr #plurality #plural system

[xerith-42]

dude. xerith. idk if you saw my reblog of madcatlad’s post, BUT. they cooked. the issue on the table: nether withdrawals. i’m insane about this.

very much exploring the idea of the calling being more about fighting the addiction that is the nether itself for shadow knights, rather than purely the aggression part.

thoughts? musings?

Oh Cinn, oh Cinn you've brought my attention to something beautiful.

Little known fact about me because I'm still pretty decent about over sharing on the internet, addiction is something I've actually thrown hands with before. The idea of the Calling as an addiction to the Nether?? Now that's a concept I can latch onto.

I think that there could be ways to satiate withdrawal, but not in an exactly helpful way. The Calling is in Shadow Knights brains like "Oooh you wanna kill your loved ones and come back to the Nether soooo bad." But minor acts of violence and arson can make it shut up. Enough bloodshed, such as what happens at the Werewolf Wedding, is enough to make it so a knight isn't drawn to the idea of killing their loved one anymore because the urge for blood has been answered. Of course... Most Shadow Knights fighting the call aren't exactly happy when something like the Werewolf Wedding happens to them.

As for the urge of the Nether, they could always try to answer that with things that are like the Nether or remind them of it. Sitting by a fire, setting things on fire, sitting in a pool of hot water that can at least try and simulate lava, setting things on fire, existing in the bitter dry heat of an Arizonan morning, or setting things on fire. The Calling always responds best to the most violent solution, and even while trying to satiate it, it's still pulling at the mental strings of a knight to make the most violent decisions possible.

That idea of being able to sit by a fire instead of setting something ablaze really sucks for Knights who might have been traumatized by the Nether and struggle to be around fire for very long as a result, Laurance.

A lot of moments of a premature Shadow Knight lashing out aren't necessarily because the Calling is making them want to kill, it's because it's making them want to go back to something they know is bad for them. It's a drug that they've overdosed on and are trying to run away from still present in their veins and urging them to take another dose, regardless of its lethality. That kind of mental gymnastics and battle wears down at a person even when they aren't actively fighting. Even if they aren't in their head fighting the Calling and it's urges, it's still there. They still think about it.

Laurance doesn't want to go back to The Nether. He would rather die again than go back there. But when he sees the frame of a portal, when he's nearby one that's unstable, he has to fight. He has to fight his body and its urge to go back to that hell. Just one hit will make him feel better. Just a chance to touch netherack and breathe that ashy air will soothe his worries. Because being reminded of the Nether, even if it causes a trauma response, does cause a part of his brain to feel good. The Calling sees fire and gives him a shot of dopamine and excitement.

Wouldn't it just be so nice if he went back? If he didn't have to feel this constant drain? If he was in the Nether then the Calling would shut up, right? Wouldn't it be so amazing to just feel this good all the time? He's already dead, what damage can be done to his body afterwards?

Of course the Calling has two components, both addictive. One is of course the urge to go to the Nether. The other is that urge to kill your loved one and gain immortality. Doing one only makes the other feel stronger. Oh, you sat next to a Nether portal and made it so you're now comfortable in the over world? Bet you wanna kill your lord right about now, huh?

What's that, you actually killed your lord? Well, don't you just wanna come home to the Nether where you're surrounded by people who have all done the same and won't hate you for it? Go on, you know you want to.

Like everything else, it comes down to the Shadow Kings need to control. If he can make Shadow Knights into addicts of stuff directly associated with him, they'll be more loyal. They'll serve him to get a fix of bloodshed and hell fire. They'll come running back to him after ruining their lives for his enjoyment, and they'll fall at his feet for the chance to become a higher up in their army. He deprives them of everything they ever could have had and calls it freedom.

#not to like #get real personal #but I have been falling back into some of my vices due to an ongoing depressive episode #so being able to project this onto my favorite block shaped brain worms is really nice #hope you liked what I cooked up Cinn #you usually do :) #minecraft diaries #aphblr #text post #laurance zvahl #mcd #answering asks #minecraft diaries laurance #mcd laurance #shadow knights

[shakertwelve]

the obvious defense of this point would be that Victoria is simply supposed to be Wrong About It, which I would love, except that the narrative very carefully bends to make sure that Victoria is Always Right, and ESPECIALLY Always Right about Cape Science

[ context: the quote we're talking about: “I guess it doesn’t make sense as a thing powers would do.  Powers tend to steer clear of the suicidal, the helpless, the invalid, or people who are limited.” ]

my best guess as to what wildbow meant, if he put any thought into this at all? this is ward's version of the scene in worm that goes out of its way to make clear that labyrinth is not autistic and had a "normal" mind before her trigger (and the similar clarification about bitch). wildbow didn't want to write about developmental disabilities, probably because he thought he didn't know enough about the subject not to mess up and get in trouble for writing something offensive, so his solution was to just state that no one in parahumans is meant as "representation" of that demographic and avoid the issue altogether. this at least makes some kind of sense, if you are wildbow.

the obvious issue here is that this quote doesn't just single out developmental disabilities, but is phrased broadly enough to apply to almost any kind of illness or disorder. worm presents superpowers as explicitly tied to a traumatic event and as a metaphor for the effects of trauma, and experiencing other forms of illness and distress make someone much more likely to process an event as a trauma, so logically, mentally ill and disabled people should be overrepresented in the parahuman population (feeling "helpless" or distressed enough to be suicidal are common elements to many parahuman triggers), and the ways capes tend to act in the text of both books consistently reflect this. the only other explanation i can think of is that we're using an extremely restrictive definition of mental disorders (i.e. we're being the guy who thinks adhd isn't a real neurotype, so imp and kid win don't count, and low-empathy is just code for being a bad person, so cradle doesn't count, and so on...), and even that doesn't explain why we're claiming physically disabled people also can't get powers, when wildbow has written about it happening plenty of times (thank you @john-cherry-the-6th for bringing up this wog about triggers in suicidal people that includes the trigger event of a coma patient). also, we've seen that powers can cure illnesses as part of the trigger (see: vikare, famously the first hero ever, whose powers manifesting cured his cancer) if they really need to (they don't even do it all the time if the host isn't dying and can still fight with the power, like genesis), so why would they care if a prospective host is disabled? but whatever--let's disregard all evidence to the contrary and assume that all capes were 100% Mentally Normal (a very objective standard) before their triggers, so their erratic behavior after triggering must be purely the influence of their superpowers.

of course, now we have to go back to the first part of the quote. victoria claims that she doesn't think it's likely that finale's powers would affect her mental development after she manifested them, because powers want their hosts to be able and ready for action. so that can't be why capes like labyrinth and bitch exist, either; powers avoid choosing "limited" people as hosts and they also don't want to make their hosts limited, therefore all parahumans must be healthy because shards want healthy hosts. except there's absolutely no way any scientific study of parahumans in this world would come to this conclusion! scores of therapists run themselves ragged dealing with the various complexes of just the heroic capes, and capes on the "villainous" side are understood to be, on average, even more unstable! victoria has been working with jessica yamada, who definitely knows this, for ages! what the fuck is she talking about!

CONCLUSION: ??? wildbow got confused while writing about his own setting's alien brain parasites and started describing yeerks instead

#ask

[skkflower]

Trans Chuuya thoughts I posted on twitter. It got super long so I’m posting it under the cut…

Chuuya realizes he feels “wrong”after post explosion birth and after being socialized by the Sheep…he brushes it off as proof of not being human…as he learns more about society he decides to present himself as a boy because his enemies take him seriously that way (in my head the Sheep were orphans from Suribachi and runaways so there’s probably a pretty big queer community there)…totally ignoring the fact that being called a boy makes him happier.

Basically his logic up until he joins the mafia is “I’m probably a boy, but I have bigger problems” and his dysphoria over being human is stronger than anything really…but I think when he meets the flags (and Kouyou I have a whole section for her), he starts to think more he starts to think more about presentation vs identity (ie learns that women don’t have to dress as men to be taken seriously, gnc Lippmann, insert other flags hcs I have)…Chuuya realizes he is trans…Doc offers to get him HRT and surgery but Chuuya’s really in his “I don’t trust anyone in the Mafia” phase and doesn’t want to really stake his transition on an unstable source/ hates depending on people…so he’s fine with rocking with the masc leaning androgyny…his dysphoria lessens a bit because he now realizes his gender confusion isn’t what makes him not human…

BUT THEN BAM STORMBRINGER JUMPSCARE (the only way to really think about sb actually)… Verlaine is also trans *insert the singularity metaphor thread here* and Chuuya literally watches his past self die in his arms (trauma and trans metaphor two in one combo)…although Chuuya is king of repression…he probably channels all his sb trauma into a complete gender crisis…cuts his hair and starts binding with transtape…wants to start HRT but is still uneasy about doctors and all. But after weaponizing Corruption as Soukoku…he starts getting really bad dysphoria/dysmorphia about his sense of humanity again…which translate over to gender dysphoria and he goes through a bad mental state for a bit, so he ultimately decides staring HRT will be best.

(Kouyou is transfem in my head and she sits him down and is like “you’re clearly suffering right now and we can help you” and they decide to send him abroad to a hormone specialist because he’s a labrat kid lol)

Yes my explanation for why Chuuya is not in dark era is transgenderism…Dazai defects…he gets promoted to Executive…finds out he’s definitely human and starts HRT…gets more confident in his gender identity and starts presenting more gnc again…it was mostly about control for him and having stability in his place in the mafia helped him feel more confident. A lot of his confidence is a mask (autistic chuuya), but he is secure. TransChuuya is so real to me!!!

Bonus Thoughts:

Soukoku was definitely making out/hooking up post SB, but Dazai respecting Chuuya’s boundaries increased their mutual trust and made them such a strong duo…knowing each other inside and out and also respecting (they were never safe enough to say love yet) each other…

Dazai is deffo gender apathetic nonbinary…he also probably has more of a humanity dysphoria there…their gender crisis starts during the 2 year isolation…to quote my partner who hasn’t watched bsd, “dazai to me is those pretransition trans women who look so miserable (dark era) and then when she transitions you can see the light in her eyes and a spring in her step”

Chuuya has not gotten top surgery because of medicinal trauma and also because I said so…

TRANS PEOPLE DO DON’T TRANSITION OR PRESENT OUTWARDLY IN A WAY DEEMED “SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE” ARE SO VALID!!!

Anyway please take this stupid skit of bungo stray woke:

*soukoku arguing during reunion*

Chuuya: you weren’t there for me!!

Dazai: of course not, I left the mafia!!

Chuuya: no I was talking about me starting HRT…

Dazai: oh…WELL YOU WEREN’T THERE WHEN I REALIZED IM NONBINARY

Chuuya: oh congrats

Dazai: yea I use any pronouns now

Chuuya: coolio

Dazai: you look better…more chuuya now…

Chuuya: thanks

*awkard pause*

Chuuya: okay im going back to kicking your ass

Dazai: yea fair enough

#bsd #bungou stray dogs #chuuya nakahara #trans chuuya #soukoku #dazai osamu #nonbinary dazai osamu

[the80srewinders]

Inside The Mind of a Sysmed: An Experienced Guide

by Finley, host

Sysmeds are system exclusionists- they think you need trauma to be plural. They often push that DID/OSDD only develops from trauma and, although that might be true, I've found evidence it might not be always the case (way after we made this blog.) They use the basic well known facts about DID/OSDD to pull you in, because its how they build trust. Then they tell you the misinformation about systems of all types.

Why do they do this?

I used to be a sysmed when I found out about DID- because I fit a lot of the symptoms, and was in denial I had trauma, and felt like I needed trauma or I'd be broken, I closed my mind off from any possibility endogenic systems, much less DID without trauma, was possible. If I believed that, I'd start thinking I was endogenic, and I'd feel like I was broken and an insult to real trauma survivors- I already felt like that. People who were traumatized as children don't remember all of their trauma and there's a select group that remember very little or none. Society pushes the "trauma is something you remember that shatters and severely hurts you mentally that you always remember and want to forget" narrative alongside people who claim they remember their trauma and are "proud survivors. " I grew up believing that and as a result, I thought the only trauma I had was bullying and sexual assault/rape in public school, and my cousin sexually abusing me. Remembering very little details of all those traumatic events and having mostly depersonalized memories of those events, I didn't see where it could be bad enough to cause DID. I also thought I never dissociated until I found out I could have DID but I later found out the things I called weird about myself were actually dissociation- the sysmed view just didn't make it seem that way. I had to go through six months of research to find out dissociation was experienced differently by person. I was on r/DID a lot when I was in the diagnostic process (which took months) and learned so much misinformation about plurality I was suffering with denial severely. I thought I didn't have DID and I was just born broken, I was nothing like these people. Switching all the time, being in distress because of dramatic disorienting dissociation, having vivid flashbacks to trauma all the time. I was none of that. The denial of my trauma ate me up and left me with a hole of invalidity to fill with validity. So I would hold sysmed views to make myself feel valid and say those online when I needed to boost my sense of validity. But the more research I did, the more I found that endogenic systems were valid and often do have trauma- its just not what made them plural. And that everything I experienced was in fact in favor of DID- amnesia of trauma, depersonalized memories, not noticing switches, randomly hearing alters thoughts intruding into my consciousness instead of full on conversations with them thinking theyre "imaginary friends", unstable identity, and after I found out I had DID, headaches when trying to communicate internally with alters.

Basically, sysmeds are sysmeds because they are in denial of their trauma, and the society stereotype on trauma doesn't make them feel any more valid. Mix this in with the singlet created stereotype on DID in media, and how psychology often falsely validated these presentations until 1994 with the DSM-4 which renamed the disorder accurately, and sysmeds don't feel valid at all. They feel inherently broken and like they're nothing without trauma (or at least trauma they can remember.) Their denial of trauma eats them up and makes them miserable, and in an attempt to feel valid, they are filled with hate toward anyone who would make them feel like they're not valid by just existing. Sysmeds let their trauma or denial thereof turn them into miserable exclusionists who knowingly spread misinformation and bait an entire community into being seen as bullies. All because instead of therapy, they chose to go with what feels good in the moment out of anguish.

So yes we are pro-endogenic. Because when we had enough of the pain caused by denial and the "denial-be a sysmed to cure it" cycle, we chose to do research. All it takes is researching trusted websites about plurality, including medical websites that have validated endogenic systems. Sysmeds love trusted sources especially government medical websites, don't they?

And you'll find that there's really no need to be a sysmed at all.

Edit: Sysmeds have different reasons for being sysmeds. Just because these are the sysmeds we encountered and why I became one, doesnt mean its why every sysmed is a sysmed. It could be because they just don't see how endogenic plurality can exist, they strictly believe in the theory of dissociation, or they were exposed to sysmedicalist content like r/DID or r/systemscringe. (We're not against the theory of structural dissociation, we just think that applies to posttraumatic/dissociative disorders only but there's other ways systems develop.) Those are their reasons for hating each other as well. Our experience isn't universal and we realize that.

#dissociative identity disorder #actually dissociative #other specified dissociative disorder #osddid #dissociation #system stuff #endo safe #pro endo #syscourse

[noctiselusio]

Park Junmo and his unstable self–image:

In The Worst Of Evil, we’re not told much about Junmo’s past (not really shown much of any character’s history really) as the story mainly focuses on the noir and crime aspect of the show. But we’re shown enough to be able to connect some clues and understand some of the reasonings and psychology behind our main character’s actions.

Junmo’s father was a drug addict, and his mom left when he was young. Obviously, this would have a detrimental impact on his mental health—which we see slowly spiraling out of control throughout the show. (Never mind the fact that the series mostly focuses on the ethics of it, Junmo is a cop who goes on an undercover mission and he has to fight hard to not lose his morals to all that he sees, all that he experiences, all that he does. And as compelling as that was, for this short rambling of mine I want to focus more on something else.)

And yes Junmo’s faltering morality is also a symptom of this disconnect he has with his own person. Junmo is confused and has no idea as to who he really is. His mother left early on and his father evidently was not a good one, we can imagine he had no interest in properly raising his son alone. I suppose the resulting trauma posed a significant hindrance to Junmo’s upbringing and development. Without an adult’s guidance, he was unable to properly develop a personality of his own. You need (healthy) interactions with others to shape your sense of self.

While I don’t mean to diagnose, or misuse psychology, or project on his character (forgive me if I’m doing any of those but also can you blame me, this deeply flawed character is so beautiful to dissect and read and attempt to read between the lines, behind the footage) there were some parts that made the light above my head switch on.

We learn that Junmo became a cop mainly thanks to his mentor: Seo Do Hyung.

He’s the reason Junmo didn’t stray off the path and became a cop. He gave him a purpose, a reason to keep going, an identity to chase after, and a sense of belonging. Do Hyung presents all of this to him, and Junmo holds on to it for deal life.

He gets married to a cop —born into a family of cops— and that’s kind of where it starts going bad again (including the wedding scene). Junmo starts feeling like… an impostor. Unlike his wife, his family is broken, he‘s unable to get a promotion, this all is an open wound that Euijung’s family keeps gnawing and scratching at until it scabs over and falls off. It’s sad, it’s tragic, but I don’t think that marriage had any hope of lasting.

Comes Jung Gichul—Junmo finds a new… place to belong, a brotherhood, maybe…maybe…maybe… a home?

It’s not that way at first, but the bridge effect is very real and Junmo has more than one close–death experience with Gichul next to him. And the more time he spends with him, the more humanity and vulnerability he sees from his boss, the more he hesitates.

And now, Park Junmo has a new name, a new identity. Which I don’t know if it was intentional or not: giving Junmo a new name and an impostor role—to convey his unstable sense of self.

Once again, Junmo is stuck, and he can’t —no matter how much he tries— figure out what he actually wants to do, where his heart lies. Who is he? What does Park Junmo want? How does Park Junmo feel? Who should Park Junmo betray? Should he act as Kwon Seungho or as Park Junmo?

But this doubt, this doubt hurts too. Because why should he be faltering? He’d spent so much time and effort to get here, sacrificed so much, and his wife is part of this too, he didn’t go through so much suffering just to fail his mission in the end. (He went through all that for Gichul.)

Do Hyung’s sacrifice settles it, Junmo is forced to make the final choice and bring the gang to justice.

But Gichul… Kwon Seungho couldn’t do that to him. Not until Gichul had really forced Park Junmo’s hand.

(Forgive me if there’s any mistakes or if this seems incoherent, this is my own interpretation and it’s been on my mind for a while and of course I had the urge to finally write it before a deadline. So these are my jumbled thoughts that I had to let go into the world)

#the worst of evil #park junmo #kwon seungho #kdrama

[nebel-ist-fur-alle-da]

"Can you hear me say your name forever"

Doctor Octavius x Reader

Summary: you've been kidnapped by doc ock to be his new assistant. You had a crush on him, when he was a professor and married, but then life happened, for both of you; today, you are not sure he is the same man you once knew... or is he?

Genre: angst, past trauma

The third chapter is here, my dudes and dudettes!!

It's been a rough month: I started my first job, I am finally graduating after years of studying and suffering and struggling. I might have found a road that I want to pursue. I don't think it will be my only path, I like to keep my options open, but I finally love what I have started (even though it can be hard) for the first time.

But now, lets get down to business! PART 2: Here

Update, a year later:

So, it's been a year! I landed my first job, I graduated AND I managed to finally live in the city! Am I living the dream my 16ish year old had? Maybe.

I definitely am more happy and somehow my life is coming out as something worth experiencing and living, and I really can say, for maybe the first time ever, that I am content.

But enough about me, finally the third chapter is here, written while I was technically working but when the inspiration knoks, you have to answer.

Enjoy ❤

You woken up to the sound of broken glass and forniture smashing. Your sleep was usually bad, but you barely slept in two days and this could no longer go on.

Feeling already your lower back protesting, you slowly approached the door, mentally planning how to address this situation. Knowing that the doctor is sometimes a bit unstable, you really want to risk your face for a tantrum? What if there was spiderman behind that door? She wanted to be free, didn't she?

Your hands trembled on the doorknob, pondering. Then, suddenly, all the noise stopped. After the longest count to ten ever existed, you open the door, fear and curiosity mixing in a strange way, making your body shiver even thought it wasn't could outside. You pulled the door and a galaxy of little glass pieces was waiting for your feet. The room was a mess, chairs everywhere with broken lab instruments and stuff. You put on your boots, preparing yourself to enter this mess, knowing that you could've just closed the door, none of it was your problem. Behind a table you saw the professor laying on the floor, his metal arms lying still at his side, and blood covering his hands.

"Doc" you carefully touch his shoulder, feeling the warm skin underneath. 'So he is warm after all'.

Suddenly, you hear him snoring. That's the most human thing he has done in days. Feeling a bit of tension fading away, you burst into a laugh, unable to stop. Otto slowly opens his eyes, but you find yourself unable to stop, and your soft laugh becomes hysterical, your vision blurred from tears.

"What's going on?" His imposing voice full the room.

"I-" You try to answer, but you can't stop laughing, and you can't tell if it's because you are amused by this insane situation.

Probably not.

A pot of emotions was slowly cooking for days, and somehow they found a way out.

"Why are you crying?" His voice was demanding, but a hint of apprehension was there.

"Really, I don't know" 'liar' you instantly think. You were scared to death by this situation, but you would gladly die instead of saying this in front of him, out loud. You had realized, before opening that door, that you were concerned and scared for him, but also because of him. You were falling, really was that simple but also terrifying. You know he doesn't believe you, but he slowly put his hands on your arms, almost scared you would run away.

"I did all this, didn't I?"

You nod.

"Usually, I wait for this episodes with joy, because my arms stay asleep for hours. I missed this silence in my head".

He briefly looked at his metal arms, permanently fused with his body. Your eyes linger on his chest, his scars, his hands stroking slowly your arms.

"I'm sorry" he whispers, his voice breaking.

You don't know how to respond.

"I'll take you back home" his hands grabbing your arms "now, before they wake up"

Your eyes goes back up, widening.

You want to speak, but he is already putting you on your feet.

"Doc" you try to speak, at least say something.

"What was I thinking? So much of a genius, and I take these decisions"

All you can think was that when a villain doesn't want you. Nobody wants you.

You already knew this, but every time someone reminds you of this, you die a little bit more inside.

Also, you were so sleep deprived that something breaks and you start crying, again.

Could this situation be more pathetic?

"You can't say here. It's not safe and it's not right for you" Otto kept saying while you were crying. The fact is that in your sad pathetic life this was the most terrifying and exciting thing that happened to you in a while. How sad your life must be?

You tried to keep it all inside.

"Doc I have literally nowhere to go. You saw my life and I suspect you choose me specifically for this. No one would come looking for me".

As much as those words hurt, they were true. Despite all his good intentions, he couldn't replicate to that logic. He could've be your best option to turn your life around, even thought he's one of the most dangerous man alive.

He stayed silent for a very long time, thinking about possible answers to yous situation. Eventually, he was defeated.

"As much as it pains me to admit this... you are right, and I am so sorry" you looked him in the eyes, and you could tell he was sincere. Not having a cacophony of voices in your head makes his face much more softer, and you could tell. But that moment soon vanished, and a new, heavy thought entered his synapses.

"I should be more careful with my children, they could be quite persuasive on a feeble mind. I must not hurt you, ever again" he took your hands, and you noticed for the first time that yours vanished inside his palms.

"Please, don't let me hurt you. Run instead if I can't no longer control myself"

You nodded, feeling a strange feeling in your gut. Something hot slowly pooling inside you. Just one simple touch of his hands, the intimate situation just passed... your mind started racing the second he looked you in the eyes, but you never dared to even master a thought like that.

And now, just like that, your body betrays you.

He was still looking in your eyes, hands hot on yours, his digits slowly brushing your skin. You looked down.

"I promise you that if things go our of hands, I will try to run. It might help me to have spider man number, you know?"

Your old weapon works again: in the blink of a eye you manage to shift the doctors attention from you to that spiderman dude, flying around and making a mess.

"Why would you want his number?" His eyes dark and illegible.

"You know, if things got out of hand... that's all, I promise" you chuckle, trying to keep the moment light.

He gave you a tiny smile, scoffing. "I really don't know what your generation is up to these days" he let go of your hands, trying to stood up.

"Well, If you want to stay here, the first thing you could do is tide up this mess"

"Excuse me?!"

"You know, my arms are stuck like this, they will wake up tonight" he raised his palms in apology.

"So your saying that on top of being an old scientist who is always complaining about younger generations, you are also useless?" You teased him.

His eyes darkened, his smile became a smirk.

"Watch your mouth, young lady. I may be temporary useless, but my mind works just fine"

You mutter an apology and start to clean up while he tried to balance his steel weight on a chair.

The morning flew like this, you trying to not cut yourself with all that glass from lab equipment and him gently reminding you that you missed a spot.

By 12,30 you were ready to kill him.

"Listen up doc, I am tired and hungry, so if you want to clean so badly that spot, YOU SHOULD DO IT YOURSELF" the last bit was just a scream, but he laughed.

"I strained you, didn't I? Let's make something to eat"

You rolled your eyes.

"You mean that I should make something to eat, because you are just a big tin of metal arms stuck in place"

"Hey, there is no need to be rude" he replied, and you could tell he was slightly offended and hurt by the situation. You, on the other hand, was not.

"Hope you fancy some curry with chickpeas, because that's the best thing I can make like this"

He smiled politely. "I will not eat that disgusting thing even if you make me"

"I beg your pardon? The master has requests, I presume" you bowed.

You were looking at the floor for two seconds, but for him it was enough. When you come up, his face was inch from yours, sporting a

mischievous grin. His eyes looked more dark and sharp, and you froze right there.

"Did you have fun joking about me this morning?" He asked, his voice deep and low.

You tried to speak, but your throat was suddenly dry. You just shook your head.

"OH darling, I think you did" his smile widened. "You see, my arms are made from a perfect material, resistant but weights like a feather" he gently brushed your cheek, his eyes lingering over your face and neck.

You felt all your blood rushing to your face but you were unable to even think about a clever response.

"Do you still trust me?" He asks.

You gathered all your energies in that answer.

"Yes"

"Then you are a fool" his hand reached your neck, gently squeezing. "I could simply decide you are nothing, and break you. In my endless research of perfection, I could hurt you. Is this the type of man you would like to assist?"

During this few words, his grip tightened. You could only master the breath to say 'yes' one more time.

He lets you go and air returns in your lungs. You take big gulps of air, still looking him in his eyes. You know that if you stop, this moment will never return and will be simply forgotten as part of this mad day.

"For a person this smart, this is a pretty bad decision" he lowered his sight. "Just... stay out of my arms reach, ok?"

You mentally ask yourself how long is in fact his arms reach, but you stay silent. You just nod.

He gives you a sad smile.

"Now, lets fix you something to eat that doesn't have strange spices in it, shall we?"

#doc ock x reader #doc ock #doctor octavius #doctor octopus #otto octavius x reader #dr. otto octavius #otto octavius #spiderman #spider verse #i promise that somehow even spiderman will come in handy #i fear that this will turn out as a domestic everyone lives happly fic but i decided that i want to write what i like #alfred molina

[murdererofthumbs]

So today’s episode was a wild emotional rollercoaster for Roman girlies. I honestly think that in order for me to comprehend every episode I need to watch it twice, because first watch is always an over-anxious mess, when I just want to find out what happens, and then I can actually start thinking properly when stress levels are down to normal.

But I do have some thoughts based on both the episode and what people have been saying so far:

1) First, I knew since previous episode that although Kendall was full of shit when he said he will include Shiv in everything, Roman was absolutely serious about that. And he proved it! Literally tried to run every decision by her (and that makes me so happy, because he just wants his siblings to be together and work together and be a fucking family). But on the other hand… We are all aware that Shiv will not take that under consideration, right? As far as she is aware, her brothers fucked her over with their CEO-COO positions and that is enough for her to get vindictive and look for blood. So even though I’m happy that Roman remained true to his word, I also think that Shiv will stab him in the back anyway. Because she IS the most similar to Logan (don’t come at me, I love Shiv, but these are just the facts - if push comes to shove she will leak the whole Gerri-Roman dick incident and bury her brother if it means asserting her position).

2) I think it’s becoming more and more clear that Roman is heading towards some pretty dark place (I don’t think he will be able to hold his delusions for much longer, he is falling apart at the seams and there doesn’t seem to be anything that could fill out the gaping holes inside of him). The fact that each episode of Succession is supposed to be, what, one-two days (it has to be two days in this episode at least), means that since Logan’s death none of them had any breather from the grief and pain that this loss has caused them. But unlike Kendall and Shiv who both in their own ways acknowledged Logan’s passing and made semi (and I mean very semi)-peace with it, Roman is not even near that stage. He is still very much glorifying his dad (that trauma bond is holding very strong in there), and I feel like he might also not be sleeping. You know, sleep? The time when your subconscious mind roams free and brings all your possibly repressed thoughts on the forefront of your mind? Yeah, my bet is on pretty strong sleep deprivation here. Add some extremely palpable anxiety and trying to keep everything together and you have a nice ticking bomb ready to implode at any given moment (and he kinda did implode there with Matsson but it was still very much coated in delusions and projections of his own guilt).

Also - the pills. I know some girlies last week were like “oh guys chill, it’s just advil”, but having them flashed two episodes in the row? Nah, Succession writers don’t seem like the type to provide insignificant shots, and in combination with his nervous exterior, Roman taking some sort of pills makes perfect sense. I don’t know where this will lead to, but I’m trying not to be overwhelmed by negative thoughts (you guys really need to stop with Roman-suicide predictions, just…don’t).

3) Last thing is that as far as we are aware, Roman still doesn’t know that Kendall was the one behind leaking negative stuff about Logan to the media. I feel like they didn’t even get to the good (bad) stuff yet. And can you imagine what will happen then, considering how fucking unstable Roman was in this episode (without all that bullshit adding to his mental state)? Yeah, I don’t wang to imagine, but it will be really fucking bad. My prediction and that might be a stretch, but for some reason I feel like it will all culminate during Logan’s funeral (which I assume will be one of the episodes, considering Connor’s phone call and him sending Roman pics of their dead dad (!!!)). Both the shit about Logan and Roman’s downfall will probably come crushing down at the most difficult moment, where he will actually have to acknowledge that Logan is not only dead, but also very much a piece of shit and abuser.

Anywho, this show is a slaughterhouse and I both love it (derogatory) and hate it (affectionate).

#roman roy #succession #succession hbo #i have both overwhelming amount of thoughts about this episode #but also no thoughts at all #I didn’t even have the mental capacity to get jnto other characters yet #but I am Roman girlie first and foremost and he was a mess this episode so I need to spotlight him first #others will have to wait hntil I gather all my brain cells #kendall roy #shiv roy #connor roy #succession spoilers #succession 04x05

[maxphilippa]

Beware of HybridAlex17.

CW: Guilt-tripping, Suicide Baiting, Manipulation, Stalking, Identity Theft, Death Threats. Please read this. It is very important.

Hello, I usually don't make these type of posts, but lately I've been too stressed to even be here on Tumblr due to a certain individual in The Lego Movie Fandom. And that person is @/HybridAlex17.

Weeks ago, I decided to cut ties with this person on a calm way due to the fact that I genuinely couldn't keep the friendship going on any longer. Truth is that this friendship made me feel like I was trapped.

I'm in no way invalidating his trauma and suffering, and of course, I will always try to help my friends in times of need, but Alex constantly needed me to "comfort him" and basically be there for him all of the time, making me responsible of his emotions since he's an very unstable person "who would think of the worst case scenario happening to me" if I didn't told him what I was doing at the moment. Of course, friendships are meant to work through bad and good times. But there's moments where you should realize that you have limits. I had mine.

And I couldn't possibly just stay any longer in a relationship where it felt like I had to take care of someone. That's not what I'm looking for. It never was. I felt unsafe and constantly scared about what he could do to himself if I said the wrong thing, as he was constantly feeling bad about everything. And call me what you want, but I realized that, I do not want to be there. But even then, I didn't have any hard feelings towards him. I genuinely wished him the best and to get better, but I couldn't be there to see that change. My mental health mattered. So I spoke to him very calmly about it, reassuring him that I do not hate him and I just wanted to cut our ties peacefully.

(At the moment, I censored his name to protect his identity. This was before I blocked him.)

Then, in reply, he guilt-tripped me, wishing that I never met him, that he died that one time, that this never happened, and everything. Despite me having high hopes for him to actually react properly, he didn't. So I ended up blocking him in all of his accounts and just calling it a day, because I didn't want to think of it. Sounds pretty fair by now, right?

Well, the story does not end there. Some more days later, he would then tag me on a PUBLIC POST (because he couldn't just DM me, I guess), apologizing for taking it too personally and for everything in spanish. I spoke to my friends about this at the moment because I really didn't feel like it was genuine. You would never post an apology towards someone unless you would want them to feel pressured to reply to you, right? Well then, because he did this already MORE THAN ONE TIME with me. I blocked him because I really didn't want to deal with it. It was tiring and I was hoping that he would just give up.

(This account of his does no longer exist.)

But then, here comes the impersionation thing. Three days ago, my friends sent me an blog that was weirdly similar to mine. Lucy icon and the description, eh, ya' know. Very fucking basic. And look at the URL. A mix of the words Max and Philippa but changed to spell Philippines.

And if that does not convince you, then take a look at this post.

"Android Emmet AU".

I swear to fucking God.

You guys might or might not know that I'm the creator of the Android Rex AU, I created it on June 22 of the past year, being the second AU I've ever made. So he didn't only just made a weird puppet of me to pretend that we're still friends, he's STEALING THE WHOLE THING AND TRYING TO MAKE OTHERS THINK THAT IT IS AN ACCOUNT OF MINE.

But seriously though. Come on. He's not fooling anyone. It's an pathetic imitation of who I am, of what can I do. He's acting like he knows me enough, but he never even tried to. He could never replace me. He will never get me back. And he knows it. He knows it so well.

Yesterday, it was my birthday. Of course, it was a great day for me. But various anonymus asks came in for me then. The first ones were kind ones, but then, there were some that straight up wished that I was never born and that I died! And hey! Not to assume! But that was Alex in different accounts! Because he literally stopped once I turned the anonymus off and one of my friends stood up for me!

And you can see this by scrolling through my blog just a bit!

And once he realized that he fucked up, because they thought that this friend of mine didn't have any relation with me (despite the fact that I do have posts where I drew their guys), he blocked them and "apologized". Can't even take responsability for such a messed up thing.

And he just didn't stop there. Wishing me death? Expected it. But how did he know that it was my birthday? Because I blocked him before I ever publically told it. And that's when it hit me. An alt account. And someone sent me a post in which he drew Android Rex and Joseph, two of the main characters of my AU for my birthday, saying that he wishes the best for me and stuff.

I never fucking told you when my birthday was. You could have never possibly known unless you were stalking me over an account. You use alternative accounts to boost your own art and don't even try to deny it. People will realize once they take a look. So many empty accounts. Instead of moving on and just fucking accepting that I cut ties with you because you made me feel scared of even entering this app, and learning from your mistakes, you're being a fucking creepy man. And don't deny it. You've done this to a bunch of people here. My close friends were affected by your shit.

And I know that you're going to see this.

And just so you know, since you crave my attention so fucking much to the point where you created a fake account that was "me" so you could still think that nothing happened, let me tell you something.

I was never angry at you. I stated that I wanted to cut ties because I couldn't be in such a toxic relationship. I respected you as a person. But then you tried to make me feel bad about my choice. About everything I do. Because that's what you're good for. Is this how you treat your friends? Because Good Lord. Seeing your true colors makes me think that we were never really friends since the start.

And even then? I'm not angry at you.

I'm disappointed.

And I already hit my favor quota on saying this in the most harmless of ways possible, but I'm feeling generous. So. Like. Have some dignity, would you? Don't be an asshole. Move on. I already did.

I hoped that you would move on. But you never learn anything, do you? You said how much you cared about me back then. I guess death treats, constantly stalking someone, and impersonating them is your way to care.

I will never be your friend.

And to those who read this post, please, do not harass HybridAlex17. As much damage he has done, he's not worth it. What I would be thankful of is that you guys report the fake account he made of me, since I can't do it myself. And let others know about him and his doings.

If you're a friend of HybridAlex17, then I'm deeply sorry. I do not have any hard feelings towards you, but I would rather not interact with anyone who is.

And with this, I'm done. Take care, all of you.

#max speaks #beware of #please reblog so more people can know about this

[identitty-dickruption]

mad for life

It's been six months since I started meeting with a social worker. I like him. He’s a transman. Autistic and has ADHD. Openly a recovering addict. He’s the kind of guy I can see myself growing up to become. It’s been six months, and I finally feel comfortable enough to tell him about me. Once I finish talking, he just looks at me for a second, and I can’t breathe. “I can help you get a mental healthcare plan. The government will pay for ten sessions a year”. I barely manage to suppress laughter. Me? On a mental healthcare plan? Me? The person so bad at being a patient that I’ve never lasted longer than four out-patient sessions? Yeah, right. 

Four sessions. She tells me a metaphor about a chair, where she makes it clear that I have a leg missing. She doesn’t say it exactly like that though. “Sometimes we become unstable if one of our four pillars is missing”. I fight the urge to tell her that she’s mixing her metaphors. I fight even harder to not ask her, “but what if I’m not a chair? What if I’m a perfectly good stool or tricycle or some other three-part object?”. There is no room for questions here. There is only room for repeating the same metaphor until it’s drilled into my head. There’s no room for perfectly good stools. There’s only room for unstable chairs.

Two sessions. He asks me what I mean when I say that I think there’s something deeply and profoundly wrong with me, but I can see in his face that he knows what I mean. He asks me what I think being a good person looks like when I say that I think there’s something truly evil within me. I can’t give him a good answer. I think about the fact that I was conceived the weekend my mum was freed from the psych ward. I think about the fact that she was admitted voluntarily, meaning that the doctor told her he’d call the police if she said “no”. I think about the fact that she still screams if anyone other than my dad touches her. He tells me he wouldn’t call the police, even if I admitted that I was evil. I don’t believe him.

One session. Three hours long. I’m not sure if I’m even allowed a bathroom break, and I don’t know how to ask. She closes the door. She takes me through something she’s calling a “personality inventory”. I’m smart enough to lie at all the key questions. No, I’ve never felt so happy I felt invincible. No, I’ve never been so depressed I considered killing myself. No, I don’t hear voices or see visions or wake up screaming without knowing why. I’m here to get enough of a diagnosis that my university will give me the resources I need to get my degree. I’m not here to get the kind of diagnosis that will end with them dragging me kicking and screaming back to the place where university is seen as a silly unattainable goal. 

After this session, I tell my dad I’m worried that she thinks I’m a bad person. I have a 39 page report full of detailed analysis about how I’m broken, deranged, wrong, despite showing “no signs of past trauma”. My dad looks at me, his head cocked slightly. “She doesn’t think you’re a bad person, because this isn’t a person-person relationship, it’s a psychiatrist-patient relationship”. And in that second, everything starts to click together in my head. I’ll never be a person to these so-called professionals. I’m an unstable chair, an unruly client, a bad patient, but never a person. Why should I be? Afterall, I’m just another lunatic. 

One session. 50 minutes long. I tell him that I’ve been suicidal in the past, but that I’m not anymore. He tells me that I don’t seem distressed. I tell him I have a diagnosis of OCD. I tell him that I can’t sleep until I’ve checked that everyone in my family is alive. I tell him that I cross myself every time I have a bad thought. I tell him that I can’t stop imagining myself hurting everyone I love. He slowly explains to me that the DSM has a distress criteria for all diagnoses, so maybe I don’t actually have OCD. He’s right, I’m not distressed. I leave the appointment ten minutes early. 

Zero sessions with the woman who won’t stop calling me to ask if I’m ever going to reschedule the appointment I never showed up to. 

It's been eight months since I started meeting with a social worker. I show up drunk, because that’s how I show up to everything at the moment. He asks me if I followed up on the doctor’s appointment we talked about, and I shake my head. “I’ve decided that medication isn’t for me”. He gives me that long look again. “The only difference between taking medication and living the way you live is that medication is safe”. I give him my own long look. Before I allow myself to yell and scream, I stand up and walk out. I never see him again. There goes my longest ever streak of being in the crazy system.

#psych critical #mad #tw institutionalisation #mad pride #creative nonfiction

[cattysharkkz]

edit 11/10/22: Jesus christ you guys really are ruthless huh. Some of you really need to realize the difference between malicious intent and people explaining their reasonings for their beliefs.

Also, the reason we tagged this as "endogenic" is because it's about the topic of endogenics, and if you actually read the post you would know that we wanted to learn more about why endogenics are a valid and very real thing. Not once did we say it was a safe space.

And yes, we realize that some of the things we said were wrong, and we apologize. Again, we have no bad intentions, we just want to help people. We will no longer be responding to anything from this post or anything related to it since not only has it gotten old, but it has created a lot of stress for us too. -Susie

realizing that we're "anti-endo" just because we want to protect people.

this is a very serious disorder that impacts so many people. we no not want people to have this disorder because it stems from abuse and trauma before you even understand who you are or even consider thinking about who you are.

it's okay to not remember the trauma because well, its trauma. and this disorder is designed to make you forget stuff like that. we were lucky enough to remember why this all happened, what caused it, etc. so yes, its okay to not remember what happened.

what's not okay, however, is spreading the idea of "endogenic systems". why? well a few reasons.

lets say someone "identifies" as an endogenic system. what if they don't have a dissociative disorder, but something similar, like psychosis. they think that their delusional attachments are alters, making them believe that they are those people/characters. this becomes a problem, because this can make their condition worse.

now what if they don't have a dissociative disorder or anything of the like? this becomes a huge problem. they start having identity issues, they have no idea who they are, who they will be, who they ever will be, and causing a downward spiral until they just can't take it anymore or get some sort of professional help.

now lets say they do have a dissociative disorder. they don't remember their trauma or even deny that they do. first off, read the 3rd paragraph again. this disability is literally designed to make you forget. but then they start spreading the idea of systems "without trauma" exist, and thus make others hurt themselves in the process (like the last two paragraphs) while meaning well. mot only does this only repeats the process, but now they cannot face their traumas, get professional help, and potentially break down communication and amnesiac barriers and heal as a whole.

this is why so many systems and people are so against the idea of endogenic systems. we do not wish hate or war. we only want to help and protect those that need it.

but if anyone has any information on reasons why endo systems DO exist and DO help people from a RELIABLE SOURCE OF INFORMATION, please send it to me, and i will read it. this will be the only time i will allow my DNI to be broken. /srs

edit: and please, keep a civil and open-minded discussion. we are doing are best to be that way, so we expect you to act the same.

also, the reason we get so defensive over things like this is because we are trauma survivors. unfortunately a lot of people don't act the way they should because we are tired of people getting misconceptions and misinformation baded on something we suffer through daily. being mentally unstable just does that.

#syscource #system discourse #sysmed #endogenic #endogenic system #system #did #osdd #osddid #traumagenic system #traumagenic #actually traumagenic