#but i also know that's not likely to be true and isn't kind and not how i realy want to live and be

[theminecraftbee]

Wels hums as he walks through the shopping district. He doesn't need much, but with the recent release of Overlord, he wants to hear if any of the establishments are playing it. He doesn't expect it somewhere like the Permit Office--Grian's spent too much time and money getting a song that was as perfectly annoying to be put on hold to as possible--and if it is playing in the log shop, he will laugh. But music tends to spread around Hermitcraft fast, and sure, this isn't about anything specific, but who's gonna miss a good opportunity to dunk on Doc?

He hears the backing beats from a nearby shop and hums along with them, walking down the path--

--then turns a corner and leaps back.

"You," Wels hisses.

Hello. Awfully rude of you not to include me, you know, says the specter.

"No, there's absolutely no reason for you to be here. None at all!" Wels says, throwing his hands up. "The last time I saw you was--gosh, I don't even know. Season Seven?"

Yes, yes, and the only time you saw me, you aren't lying to yourself at all, the specter says agreeably. Come on. We both know I was haunting you for what little of Season Eight you bothered to be around for.

"If you were on Eight then you super shouldn't be here," Welsknight says. He shakes his head and looks up at the shop playing his song. Joel's? Huh. Wouldn't have thought he'd have a reason to make fun of Doc. Welsknight removes his shaking hand from his sword hilt again and starts walking.

On account of you leaving everyone there to die, yes, we're both aware, the specter says.

"Oh, screw you, you wouldn't have done any different, get new material," Wels says. "Also, you aren't real? You're like, all of my insecurities or whatever. You don't even have a real body right now, no one's made you one."

The specter shrugs. I mean, if I'm the worst parts of yourself, really, you're the one who needs better material. Abandoning all your friends to die and then abandoning them altogether--it's a wonder they let you stick around!

Wels rolls his eyes and forces his hand to stay out of his inventory. Wouldn't do to give away that still even gets him. He peaks at another shop. They're playing the song too, but it's ever-so-slightly out of sync, which is kind of terrible. As he does, Cleo waves at him. Their eyes sort of stutter right past Helsknight, which definitively tells him exactly how much body the specter even has to possess right now.

"I'm actually having a great time with my friends this season, so like, the whole 'abandonment' song and dance isn't going to work this time. Started the season with them and everything; hard to even go for 'they'll forget me at the first opportunity' or whatever."

The thing is, the more Wels says it, the more its true. None of the insecurities and pain points that the specter is echoing back at him are what he was actually thinking about. He's been like... fine? Sure, he's definitely still got repressed negative traits, but nothing like "Xisuma's evil twin brother playing around with his head" or "the moon crashing and killing everyone" or "too depressed and burnt out to get out of bed" or "sort of considering abandoning everyone because that's like, his thing" these days. None of the things that should bring the specter that had haunted him since Beef's cloning machine back to him without a body. But Wels is careful about clones outside of something like Vault Hunters, where they're explicitly under his control. He, like, doesn't even armor stand much. So that can't be this either; Helsknight clearly doesn't have a body to be messing with Wels yet!

...Helsknight doesn't even have a body or an actual insecurity to be poking at Wels with yet.

He stops. He puts his hands in his pockets, and turns around to face Helsknight. He is no longer shaking at all.

"Dude, why are you even here?" Wels asks.

I told you, it was rude to leave me out, Helsknight says.

"What," Wels says.

The final bars of Overlord play over the speakers. Welsknight hums and nods before it suddenly clicks.

"What," Wels says again.

Honestly, you're not normally this much of a moron. It was rude to leave me out. Rapping is also my thing.

"Dude," Wels says.

I could totally destroy Docm77 any day. I would obliterate the fool you call a "friend" in ways you cannot comprehend. You invoke a sacrificial goat? I know ways he'd never recover, gods he'd never be able to retrieve himself from. It would be laughable. And you left me out.

Wels stares at the demon from his nightmares.

"You're mad at me because you didn't get to be in my diss track," Wels says.

You let me be in the last one, Helsknight says.

"Dude," Wels says. "Dude, that's pathetic."

Helsknight sniffs. I'm your worst qualities. What does that say about you.

"I didn't even write this for this season," Wels says.

That makes it worse, Helsknight says.

"I don't even know where to start? For one--no, I still don't even know where to start," Wels says. "This is like, the lamest reason you could possibly have to come haunt me. Go away, I'm basking in my like, top 3 charting hit on the Hermitcraft server."

Top three? Pathetic. There are only three songs. You'd be the top song if you'd simply included my power, Helsknight says.

"I can't beat the streaming minutes Grian puts on that hold--look, uh, dude. You're, uh, a very scary representation of my fears and worst qualities and all. Appreciate that. Next time I need to do a diss track, I don't know, maybe I'll invite you? First you've got to stop appearing solely to make my life worse, though. Bring me a cookie or something. I don't know, whatever demons do."

I'm not a demon, I'm a Shadow. We're different, Helsknight says. ...I'll think about it.

When Wels turns the next corner, Helsknight has vanished again. Wels stops in the middle of the street, looks around, confirms the specter has vanished, and then bursts out laughing.

"What the Hels," he says, somehow feeling lighter and more bemused than before. That's a new feeling with his doppleganger. Then, he goes to visit Big Wood. While Doc definitely isn't playing the song of his own accord, Wels figures that Beef just might, and given the day he's having, that would feel like a kind of irony Wels isn't sure how to describe. Besides, he wants to see if Doc will notice if Wels sets the song on loop or something. What can he say--the man's reactions to being taunted are spectacular, and Wels loves seeing them. Call it a bad quality of his or something.

#hermitcraft #welsknight #helsknight #a bee fic #hermitfic #unreality #LOOK MAN I HAD TO. #...APPARENTLY. #i put slightly too much thought into what is effectively A Dumb Bit. i mean not the rap. this fic. this fic is the dumb bit. #i mean the rap is a dumb bit too but not the one i put too much thought into. the fic is #YOU KNOW WHAT NEVERMIND THIS JUST CONFUSED THIS FURTHER. anyway that helsknight huh.

[genderkoolaid]

hate to be that person but siwas rebrand is a deliberate thing to cover up the shit she put the children on her show through. aside from a kid with medical conditions being forced to continue practice even though she was bleeding from her belly button (she was told to just put a pad on her clothes to hide it and continue) she also ripped them off for a lot of money.

i wouldn't be surprised at all if it is deliberate. but that also doesn't really change my point. every single thing i've been recommended about this situation has been framed around her being Weird and Cringe. because people have been mocking his girl for her entire life & it just so happens that she has also done harmful shit which they can use to justify their obsession with mocking her. however genuine her feelings are wrt the new aesthetic, people are still more concerned with hating this girl they find annoying and weird instead of making a substantive criticism of her as an equal.

& i also think its important to point out that like. her mother seems to be the one dictating her business decisions? & i feel like its pretty easy to draw a line from her growing up on a famously heinous dance competition show to her acting heinous alongside her mom on her own show. this is not to say she's not responsible for her actions, but i also think its telling that she is the one who gets 100% of the blame while her mom isn't brought up?

like other child stars have also acted like assholes once they hit adulthood. with various motivations. and they aren't excused from their moral responsibility, but its also important to understand where they are coming from. i've seen people bring up that's she's perpetuating the cycle of abuse- which is true!- but like. has she even really had a chance to escape her own (potential, i dont want to put words to experiences i don't know about) abuse? why isn't more negative press directed at her mother, who set her up for this shit and is financially benefiting from it?

we can and should criticize former child stars but i think its vital we do so while understanding the kinds of vulnerable situations they can be in. & we should do so because we want them to grow as a person, not because we think they are Cringe and their harmful behavior is just a convenient excuse so we don't have to feel bad when we cyberbully them. i just don't see much compassion here, and i have never seen much genuine sympathy for jojo. if it is a coverup than all anyone is doing is helping them cover it up and being needlessly cruel.

#m. #ask box #jojo siwa #<- in case yall arent interested in this

[mydarlingbat]

Batman Europa #3 lemme just inform everyone that i did not feel like making this one, and It's only because I have to do two parts to Batman Europa #3. there's so many wonderful moments in this issue. It'd be illegal for me not to show all of them. Alright let's talk about the first cutout panel from Batman Europa'#3 I would like to elaborate on Batman's patience here. I've already said this before, however Batman has so much patience with the Joker. He literally just sighs and ask the Joker can he stop his babbling. Batman here is obviously just trying to start a fight. He's once again grabbing the Joker recklessly. Batman you can just ask him you know? Plus he already mention he told you, so this just let's me know you want to argue a little, or even chat a little, but I do think he's also making sure the Joker isn't setting him up. The Joker telling Batman is hypocritical question is so funny to me, and Batman responds with 'heh that's funny' I swear theses two are so married. Batman doesn't tell the Joker to shut up until he talks about them murdering each other. I wonder why? What I really wanted to point out that the Joker listens to the Batman and be quiet for a whole hour? I'm in awe to be honest. The fact that Batman is complimenting the Joker again, and chucking too. It gives me life. Batman is so free around him.

Batman's over here thinking. 'What heart?' Nah, I'm just joking around. I have no doubt that he's just flabbergasted by the Joker right now. He is finding out something new about him, and he's just surprise by it, but I love how his mouth slightly hangs open in befuddle way, like is this really happening too.

I can't entirely believe that Batman just stands by, watching the Joker. He so fascinated with this man!!! Batman also refers to the Joker as his closet enemy. What he really meant is his closest friend. It's in disguise. I'm telling you. I mean but why did he choose those words though? He could've have said my greatest enemy. Bruce please stop playing with us here.

Like Bruce are you saying that the Joker has charm? I actually love this page, because Batman's aware of the Joker's charm. The Joker doesn't need to look amazing in appearance. What makes up for his appearance is his charm itself. It's why Batman can be so intrigue by the Joker, and find him attractive. Batman also wanted to know how it feels to be the Joker, and again Batman's kind of complimenting the Joker here.

I just can't with Batman always trying to start a fight here. The Joker refuses to fight with the Batman while they're working together, but Batman continue to try to go back with the usually routine. Let's fight a little. Batman looks like he misses it more than the Joker here to be honest, but here's a theory. I believe Batman desires the touches from the Joker. He's not fighting with him, which involves a lot of touching. This is Batman way of getting that from the Joker, without making it obvious, and the reason I believe this is because after the Joker's touches Batman arm to call him down He relaxes and doesn't seem the littlest mad to be honest. Batman also grabs the Joker constantly, and even chokes him throughout the comic run. The Joker on the other hand isn't trying to fight with Batman, because he feels free touching Batman whatever way he pleases. Batman's the one who has to stop him. I mean Batman can clearly see no one's laughing. The Joker isn't laughing neither. Batman just find a reason to grab the Joker. He waits for the Joker to say anything about him to attack, that's the only way to touch him without him feeling wrong about it. Now this is just a theory. It definitely might not be true, or maybe it's something I deeply want. Lmao

And the way Batman willingly let's the Joker push him away says a whole lot, and not Bruce raising his hand to ask a question. Oh my god! I'm dying. The Joker just over here like 'bats shut up' and Batman is raising his hand like can I ask something. I can't even think of another villain Batman has done this with? It's so funny to me. I just love, love how the Joker speaks to Batman like he's a child, and Bruce takes it. It's just my opinion.

#batjokes #batman and joker #batman #comics #batman x joker #comic books #dc comics #the joker #batmm #dcedit #word's

[somewhereincairparavel]

What would the HOO boys wear? -Fashion analysis (Percy, Jason and Leo)

PERCY JACKSON- the living embodiment of the skater boy aesthetic. Hes obsessed with Blue and white clothing tbh, I feel like Percy's not a fan of jackets of any kind. He loves hoodies, and oversized half sleeved shirts. He loves jeans of any kind, but is high on denim shorts. Annabeth also influenced him into loving caps ;) he's also like a huge fan of shirts that say "New York". Hes a proud New Yorker y'all. Loves tennis shoes, blue ones to be more specific. Overall very chill and casual style.

JASON GRACE- Jason is canonically very put together and neat, he hates being under dressed,maybe it's the Roman in him, idk. I feel like he'd be the living embodiment of the "clean girl" aesthetic but make it clean boy lol. Has this weird obsession with oversized full/half sleeved striped shirts. So you can expect stripes to take up half his closet, his colour palette is purple, light blue and white. He also has this weird thing where he only likes wearing light blue jeans because, according to him, it matches his eyes. It's true though, light blue jeans just make his eyes pop and it looks SO good. Likes soft hoodies, and contrary to Percy, Jason loves jackets. Jason, also loves gold jewellery, paired up with his purple clothing, it reminds him of his camp Jupiter attire. Overall he's very elegant and neat tbh.

LEO VALDEZ- ah yes, Leo's fashion is probably the most childlike and authentic. He LOVES overalls sm, and is a sucker for clothing with corny quotes on them. Leo intentionally wears white shirts a lot despite knowing that it would get dirty, so half his white shirts would be covered in black grease, but he loves wearing them anyway. Leo, in my opinion, is not a huge fan of blue denim, he prefers cream or brown hue jeans more. Leo also loves checkered/striped baggy pants, but it makes him look even shorter than he actually looks lmao 😭

tumblr isn't letting me insert more images smh, so Nico, Frank and Will are in the next part

#pjo #percy jackson #pjo fandom #jason grace #pjo hoo #pjo series #pjo hoo toa #leo valdez #pjo headcanon #percy jackon and the olympians #heroes of olympus

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hi! I have a question about sexual health clinics - long story short I have a pretty strong fishy smell coming from my vagina so I'm planning on visiting the sexual health clinic at my college. I'm nervous though, and while you obviously couldn't know exactly what procedure is at my local clinic, I was wondering what general things should happen at an appointment? What sort of questions will I be asked? Do I have to show someone my vagina? Will they believe that I'm not sexually active? (true fact but doctors are ALWAYS sceptical when I say this)

hi anon,

you're right that this will vary from one location to another. if you're having a health issue with your vagina then your healthcare provider will likely be asking questions about your sexual history; whether or not they believe your answers isn't something that I can answer, although a good healthcare provider should, of course, listen to their patients. there's a good chance they'll want to perform an exam and possibly take samples, which is something to be aware of and prepare for but also something that you can call ahead and ask about.

you can also call ahead to the clinic and ask if there's information about what you can expect if you come in with a likely case of bacterial vaginosis (the most typical cause of the fishy odor you're describing) and request further information about what kind of treatment you can expect from your visit. knowing what to expect in advance can be a huge help!

if it does come to a vaginal exam and you're feeling nervous, that's totally normal! very few people enjoy vaginal exams, but it's totally possible to get through them with minimal pain. my best advice is to come in prepared for a little pain if you're not accustomed to vaginal penetration and have a really honest chat with the person performing your examination about your expectations. when I get my pap smears done, I always open by telling the gyno that vaginal penetration isn't super easy for me and that I may need to swear through the exam and take breaks if it gets overwhelming. every examiner I've ever had has been totally understanding and down to work with me on that; communicating can help so so much.

I hope everything goes well and you get the treatment you need!

#sex edventures 2024

[michelledrawz]

After seeing the whole PV for Dir En Grey's 「The Devil In Me」 I'm not sure what to make of their use of AI in the video. I think the kneejerk is to say "It's AI, so it's shit", but the framing of an unknown person interacting with an AI chatbot to consume John Wayne Gacy content, becoming obsessed, wanting the AI to impersonate Gacy, then asking the computer to generate the inner mind of Gacy is an interesting idea. The AI is not showing us what's in a serial killer's mind, it's showing us what it thinks represents a serial killer's mind based off provided input ("abused by father"? HERE IS A BIG INTRUSIVE MAN'S HEAD). And then text blips like this:

"The deceased" is vague enough that it could be refer to deceased serial killers like Gacy; we cannot know their inner world (not even when he was alive-- that guy was full of shit). It could also refer to how true crime tends to place focus on the murderer while victims are reduced to names and their final outward moments. Entire lives reduced to characters in a serial killer's story. I'm relieved to see the entire PV isn't AI, but its use here seems to go beyond just flashy aesthetic and have some kind of narrative purpose. I'm so curious to know the band's thoughts behind the video, but I know we're not going to get that. I suppose I can demand an AI to impersonate Dir En Grey and give me fake answers, too.

#dir en grey #the devil in me #jmetal #jrock #visual kei #don't mind me I'm just rambling about my favorite lads #I've been reading about murderers since forever and have THOUGHTS(tm) about true crime fanaticism #I do actually like the song itself it is very experimental and weird good job boys!!! #Youtube

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Killua and the Power of Wishes

Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.

As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.

One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.

Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.

Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.

Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.

To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.

I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.

Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.

What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.

[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]

This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.

When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.

Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.

[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]

It's such an innocent, simple want.

And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.

In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:

Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."

Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)

Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."

And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!

So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.

10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.

Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.

It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.

Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).

"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"

The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.

Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?

Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]

Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.

And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.

This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.

It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.

[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]

I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.

However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.

Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.

[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]

I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.

But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.

Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]

Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?

Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.

[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]

Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".

I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.

...holy shit, kid.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]

And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(

What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.

In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.

Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]

Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.

Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.

They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:

As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course

Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo

I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.

Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.

The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.

So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.

Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.

It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.

Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.

Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]

Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.

Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.

Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.

And Alluka tears into him for it.

[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]

You tell him, girl.

Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?

"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.

Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.

And neither should Killua.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]

It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.

Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.

And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]

...she doesn't even have to think about it.

I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.

#oh my god this was supposed to be a brief write-up what happened 😭 #ugh i feel like this is a bit of a mess and there's infinite other little points i could've made or elaborated on or interpreted differentl #but i'm so tired lmao #anyways tldr fuck you illumi you suck #killua is a snarky little shit but he also has so much love in his tiny body and i think we should appreciate him forever and ever #this also accidentally turned into alluka and nanika appreciation. i love them #nanika sweet angel i love you so much i hope you get all the head pats in the world #ghhh i'm so scared this doesn't make sense anymore i've been working on it for almost a week #hunter x hunter #hxh #hxh meta #killua zoldyck #call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective. #storyrambles #also that one scene where gon turns to look directly at killua and tells him he has fun being with him makes me jdfhbvsdjfbvh #he's so intense about it i start laughing. no wonder killua basically just went ??!?!?!?! and like. leaned back because i think i would've #done the same lmaoooo #it's very sweet though :') #argh. gotta post. i need to stop hesitating. let's go.

[m3r1m4r5u333]

One very queer post to remind my fellow buddie truthers that patience is virtue...

Never forget that the show clearly called us clowns and crows...

And neither of those is an insult.

If you haven't, I recommend you read up on the history of clowns. Do you know where they evolved from?

Fools... What are fools, in story-telling?

They have always been the breakers of taboos, the ones who dare speak up and illuminate the truth.

That's repeatedly been the role of the "fool" in literature and theatre.

And remember the scene with these modern versions of fools, clowns, in 4x06? Bobby tells Eddie and Buck to be professionals!

...Much like when he has to cut off Buck from flirting with the tapework guy... In season one. The tapeworm guy? It's basically a scene of Buck being blatantly bisexual, totally flirting with a man... And Bobby going: Be a professional Buck, finish this conversation later!

And then that clown scene later on... There's a clown trapped under some (obviously quite phallic) helium tanks, and Bobby yelling about needing to "release the pressure"?

It's a parallel. Go rewatch Eddie's and Buck's first emergency together. They need to release the pressure to save that patient.

And the name of that first episode Eddie appears in? Under pressure. That's also in the season 2 promo, the first season with Eddie. And the songs in those promos... Under pressure by the Queen and David Bowie. And a version of Nowhere to run by Martha Reeves and The Vandellas. It's a love song, about a persistent, devastating love. Fitting for a slow-burn.

Also...

Eddie: "You're a badass under pressure, brother.

Buck: Me?

Eddie: Hell yeah. You can have my back any day.

Buck: "Yeah. Or you know... You could... You could have mine.

....

Then that emergency with the grenade when they first meet...

Everyone originally assumes it's not live. Oh but turns out, it very much is a live grenade, isn't it? We see it exploding. What's a grenade, going off?

Well, it's basically deathly amounts of pressure. Grenades injure and kill from a distance, the blast, the pressure is so powerful.

So the clowns watch that scene, watch Bobby urging Buck and Eddie to release the pressure... They look at Buck and Eddie working together...

And the clowns make their opinion known.

A clown starts choking, and coughs up rainbow colored string. That's the unsaid truth which this fool says out loud to the audience.

"This story is queer. I'm telling you, there are rainbows. I'm choking on them here!"

The combination of clowns, pressure, grenades... Again... Makes me think of the Batman movie Dark Knight, especially the clever bank robbery heist which

Joker - A famous fool type character, also related to fools and clowns... plans.

Btw, some of you may have noticed that I keep rambling about the Joker, and Dark Knight. Why? Because THAT MOVIE IS A CAPRICORN OF QUEERNESS!!!

And there's that clown theme which obviously comes up in 9-1-1, too. The clowns are the queer audience, it's quite clear. That clown scene was written as commentary, to us, freaking out about the queerness of buddie.

In The Dark Knight... Remember that whole conflict of the two freaks, a Batman and a Joker?

It's a battle against conformity. Diverting from the norm. Joker spends the entire movie trying to make Batman see and own his freakiness.

Honestly I think that we queers should worship that movie, it's a tale of us, the outcasts, the freaks, us against the world.

Because we are the clowns, the fools, the freaks that people fear. Who are always told to shut up, and hide. The ones who have always been the outlaws running from the police, still are. Who nobody believes, when we see our kind.

That bank heist in that movie, which the ultimate clown, fool, Joker, organizes?

They enter the bank dressed up as clowns. The Joker is among them, a twofold fool, a jester wearing a clown mask, his true identity unknown to the other clowns.

The bank robbery heist btw includes lots of stuff which make me go "is this intertextuality?, was 9-1-1 inspired by this?", because they remind me of memorable buddie scenes. A failed phone-call ("I couldn't even call you to bail me out of jail!"),

the bank vault with electricity ("What more proof do you need, Eddie! We are trapped in a death box, thousands of volts of electricity...")

the clowns, the queers, hiding from detection, from the gunfire,

then clowns, destroying each other, one by one.

A clown getting hurt because he's an idiot who cannot really count (Buck, Eddie, the embarrassing struggle to get to "bi"?),

This one clown who thinks it's his time to spring out of the box and stop waiting. This shotgun has no ammo...

and the Joker nods, which convinces the dumb math challenged clown that the bank manager's shotgun has no more bullets...

Here's another deathly nod from our favorite fool...

This backfires quickly, the math challenged clown who thinks the gun wasn't "live"... Dies.

A fool just fooled a fool. A third fool cries out in dismay.

In the end... it's the patient fool here who ends up outsmarting the manager, and winning the battle.

Clowns are clever. We see under the surface, we voice the truth, but also, sometimes we lie to save ourself. That's what being an outlaw, an outcast is.

The Joker bides his time, is smart about it, and when the right moment arrives... he does not hesitate. He robs that bank, proves himself to be the smart one. The ultimate fool. The cleverest clown.

So remember the history of us clowns. We are silly, scary, strange, queer, the annoying ones who won't shut up.

And we are the fools. And fools are the truth seers. Tellers. We aren't dumb, we are clever.

That's how the story goes. Ultimately the fools always realise and tell the truth. We clowns, like the Joker... We saw the potential for "aggressive expansion" in buddie. We were there from the start, we looked at that lurking grenade, and thought... I'm seeing something here. And they will keep laughing at us clowns... But they'll learn when it goes off. I do think it's a live one, darlings.

So, how does the heist and the movie end?

Joker survives the danger, ducks the gunfire... And leaves the manager alive.

He also leaves an impression that will forever change that survivor. The Joker sticks a grenade in his mouth. It doesn't kill him, but that grenade is live, it releases a strange, queer gas.

The Joker gently tells the manager that whatever doesn't kill you... Makes you stranger.

Then... The way the Joker spends the entire movie urging Batman to hit him, to kill him... He challenges Batman to make him realise that they are really the same. That they are both freaks, outsiders... Birds of a feather. Batman needs to stop pretending that he isn't a freak.

It's like Buck and Eddie. Take a swing at me.

Wanna go for the title?

And in the end, they both survive this (really quite queer-coded) stand-off. They prove each other wrong.

Joker finds that he's wrong, that Batman cannot bear to kill him. And Batman admits defeat.

He becomes an outlaw, too. He takes the blame for the chaos, falls out of favor. The bat signal is smashed. Batman knows he'll be hunted... but he can take it.

"...Because sometimes... the truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded..."

And that's why Buck and Eddie, "Buddie" has really never been a tale of two buddies.

The "truth" is a lie. The fools have always seen it.

And so the Joker, the fool, the clown, actually... wins this battle. He is captured but creates another freak by turning Harvey Dent into the Two-Face.

He makes Batman realise who he really is, an outcast. Batman goes into hiding. But Batman creates another freak, Robin.

It's a lesson. Some of us freaks argue for chaos, some will argue for order. But to others we are still the strange ones. Outsiders, outlaws. Queers. Listen to the fool and realize it, own it. See that we are the same.

And they will hunt us, but the circus grows stronger. Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stranger.

Oh, and the crows I mentioned in the beginning? Well, they called the crows buddies, and told the audience that the crows always remember their tormentors, didn't they.

Do you think they're waiting for these boys to come out, the show asks?

Of course we were, are. And we've got one now. Waiting for another.

After all, sometimes the fool needs to wait and have patience to see the vision materialize. Doesn't mean the fool was wrong. In the end, the crows will feast.

Crows are smart. And the clowns see the hidden truth.

#911 buddie #buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie 911 #911 on abc #evan buck buckley #911 abc #tv: 911 #eddie díaz #ca-caw motherfuckers #the silliest clown of this circus #let the freak flag fly #intertextuality #the dark knight #batman #queer fiction #queer subtext #roger that clown penis

[wraith-caller]

D and Rogier are so perfect for each other and their breakup is such a delicious, bittersweet little fuck up. I love the "we were so close to something so wonderful but couldn't quite make it" energy, the lil tragic cherry on the shit sundae of both their lives.

Neither has likely ever been given the kind of love they ought to have had growing up. D was reviled by all societies, a pariah, completely shunned and without any positive relationships outside his twin until the GO took them in. Rogier's set tells us of his detachment that's been with him his whole life, indicating a lifetime of hurt, something possibly even rooted in his family life. He's not a happy person, but someone good at pretending he isn't utterly miserable and angry inside.

D is reserved and stoic, steady and diligent, but also outwardly caring and patient. He gives sympathy and grief to the dead, and tries to protect the player, and goes to his end shielding Devin from harm. This attentiveness and straightforward kindness, without overtures or grandstanding or strings attached, would be foreign to detached Rogier. It'd give him a taste of something he may have been missing out on his entire life.

Rogier on the other hand, is a bit impulsive and determined, thoughtful and empathetic, kind to the maligned and despised. When something holds his passions, he pours everything into it with such a singular focus that it's impossible to ignore or deny it. D being on the receiving end of that focus would be life-changing for him. Being given kindness by someone not expressly ordained to it by the GO, just a random traveller seeing him for what he is and still saying 'you deserve kindness and friendship' could be such a powerful thing.

Love isn't the cure for all of their problems, deep-seated issues laid in the foundations of their beings from a young age. But it certainly can be a helpful thing to lean on in difficult moments. They could have done a lot to help each other.

And instead they were caught in a conflict that speaks to both of them in such personal ways. D can't recant the belief that the GO is the only true judge of what in this world is accursed and not, because it comes too near to having to face he may not be worthy of life after all. Rogier can't continue to see the dead as vermin because now he knows what they are beneath their violence - something miserable and in need of compassion, no different than himself.

So they break, and there is no happily ever after.

#AND THATS WHY WE HAVE FANFIC BAYBEEEE #d hunter of the dead #sorcerer rogier #d/rogier #elden ring

[yuri-is-online]

Just had to share a random theory with you bc I honestly don't know where else to share this but I just read Luca's first affection chat and MC believes the huge stigma creature that showed up in prologue behind them was protecting them?? Honestly it happened so fast and was never mentioned again I was really curious about it, but do you think that's actually his missing brother?? Maybe the demon took him and turned him into that... Idk how his power works but it seems to take damage for him or smth? Like a tank. Why does MC see it when she holds his hand but he himself can't? Really feels like a "your brother was there all along" moment. And the height of irony that Luca wanted to protect his little brother but his little brother ends up becoming an anomaly(?) that takes damage for him instead. Maybe the brother also made a wish at the same time?

And Luca can *sense* something is off but gets very sensitive about it (remember how he straight up kind of ignored MC the first night the moment Kaito left, I thought that was so odd) and also snaps at her in chat... I wonder what that's all about.

No because I had the exact same thought when I got that chat. The Stigma creature that showed up does so twice, I believe, both times when MC is enhancing Luca's Stigma. I thought at first that we would see that with every Stigma we enhanced, but that's not what happened it's unique to Luca. While there is a chance his brother made a wish at the same time, I think what Luca says is probably true to an extent. He made a wish and the demon took his brother, but instead of taking him away to some other place he transformed him into an anomaly. If twins have the same soul then it makes sense that Luca's brother can't leave him, he's tied to his brother and desperate to protect him. There's a chance that maybe the only "wish" his brother made was for the demon to take him instead. As for why Luca gets so intense and defensive well.

Luca has a deep hatred for demons, and that hatred is intense. He pulls a knife on Kaito, he constantly asks how to kill a demon of all of his teachers, it's literally the only thing he thinks about seems like. So if his Stigma is an anomaly, then that anomaly is probably a demon. To me, a lot of that hatred and anger seems like a projection from Luca against what he hates about himself. He hates that he failed to protect his brother, but he knows on some level that what happened to his brother isn't something he can blame on a demon. It's something he has to blame on himself, and he isn't ready to accept that. If his Stigma is his brother, then he has to accept that his wish killed him and that there's no getting him back. The demon he hated was always himself, and there's nothing he can really do about it other than deny and turn that anger at anyone telling him the truth.

#<3 asks #tokyo debunker #tdb #tdb luca

[sciderman]

Sometimes i remember a comics moment i randomly came across somewhere, where Sam Wilson mentiones a musical and Steve Rodgers says he doesn't like musicals, to whitch Sam goes "Guess that means you really are straight" and even tho i don't care about Cap America or the Avengers, the moment stuck in me for that quote by Sam. And like....Sci, any ideas if straight men actually don't like musicals or is that bullshit?

actually i think i know more gay men who hate musicals than i know straight men who hate musicals. i've had a drag queen stop me point blank when i was about to sing a barbra streisand song, and i know so many gays who pointedly hate abba. so based on my experience i think the inverse is true. most of the straight men i know are kind of impartial about musicals, but gay men? hate.

my theory is that a lot of gay men don't want to fall into stereotypes, maybe. but thaaaaat's just a theory! a gay theory.

#sci speaks #i'm trying to understand the gays. they are a mystery to me. #i've seen a lot more toxic masculinity coming from gay men than i have from straight men. #i think it makes sense. they have less women in their lives. so they reckon with a lot more masculinity. more dick measuring. #also gay men have some of THE most unhealthy romantic relationships i've ever seen in my life. #this isn't a blanket statement on everyone but just from what i've seen. it's such a strange pattern i've observed. #lesbians? healthy. straights? usually healthy. gay men? universally a tire fire that makes me say “if you hate each other so much ??” #“why are you together??????????” #i have never met a cis gay mlm couple in real life that was healthy. every single one of them made my eyes widen in horror. #i want them to be healthy. please treat each other better. #the number of bitchy bitchy fights i've seen between mlm couples in public that make me so terrified #but i know mlm relationships in general are usually less... affectionate than wlw relationships. even and especially friendships. #just an observation. #i hate to say that there is a definite difference between amab vs afab experiences when it comes to relationship dynamics but. #of course there is. there is. as much as i want to say gender and sex do not matter. it really does. #it makes a difference. it does. #which is kind of why i'm glad i was born in the body i was. when people say “trans means you feel you were born in the wrong body” #im like.. i don't think that's true. i don't think that's true for me. #i wouldn't be me if i wasn't born the way i was. and i want to be me. but i'm a boy. i'm a boy but in the body that i have. #my body is still a boy's body. because i live in here. #sorry this went off on a tangent. #but yeah i know my brain would be different if i was amab. and i don't want all those other issues. #i think the only reason i'm so peaceful and serene is because i'm afab. and afabulous. #i see cis guys and im like.. yeah i don't want what you got. #once again! lucky to be me! i'm lucky. im lucky i have a vargooba. thank fuck for that! #couldve been so much worse off. could've been born with a dick and would be fighting for my life right now.

[the-busy-ghost]

Alright uninformed rant time. It kind of bugs me that, when studying the Middle Ages, specifically in western Europe, it doesn’t seem to be a pre-requisite that you have to take some kind of “Basics of Mediaeval Catholic Doctrine in Everyday Practise” class. 

Obviously you can’t cover everything- we don’t necessarily need to understand the ins and outs of obscure theological arguments (just as your average mediaeval churchgoer probably didn’t need to), or the inner workings of the Great Schism(s), nor how apparently simple theological disputes could be influenced by political and social factors, and of course the Official Line From The Vatican has changed over the centuries (which is why I’ve seen even modern Catholics getting mixed up about something that happened eight centuries ago). And naturally there are going to be misconceptions no matter how much you try to clarify things for people, and regional/class/temporal variations on how people’s actual everyday beliefs were influenced by the church’s rules. 

But it would help if historians studying the Middle Ages, especially western Christendom, were all given a broadly similar training in a) what the official doctrine was at various points on certain important issues and b) how this might translate to what the average layman believed. Because it feels like you’re supposed to pick that up as you go along and even where there are books on the subject they’re not always entirely reliable either (for example, people citing books about how things worked specifically in England to apply to the whole of Europe) and you can’t ask a book a question if you’re confused about any particular point. 

I mean I don’t expect to be spoonfed but somehow I don’t think that I’m supposed to accumulate a half-assed religious education from, say, a 15th century nobleman who was probably more interested in translating chivalric romances and rebelling against the Crown than religion; an angry 16th century Protestant; a 12th century nun from some forgotten valley in the Alps; some footnotes spread out over half a dozen modern political histories of Scotland; and an episode of ‘In Our Time’ from 2009. 

But equally if you’re not a specialist in church history or theology, I’m not sure that it’s necessary to probe the murky depths of every minor theological point ever, and once you’ve started where does it end? 

Anyway this entirely uninformed rant brought to you by my encounter with a sixteenth century bishop who was supposedly writing a completely orthodox book to re-evangelise his flock and tempt them away from Protestantism, but who described the baptismal rite in a way that sounds decidedly sketchy, if not heretical. And rather than being able to engage with the text properly and get what I needed from it, I was instead left sitting there like:

And frankly I didn’t have the time to go down the rabbit hole that would inevitably open up if I tried to find out

#This is a problem which is magnified in Britain I think as we also have to deal with the Hangover from Protestantism #As seen even in some folk who were raised Catholic but still imbibed certain ideas about the Middle Ages from culturally Protestant schools #And it isn't helped when we're hit with all these popular history tv documentaries #If I have to see one more person whose speciality is writing sensational paperbacks about Henry VIII's court #Being asked to explain for the British public What The Pope Thought I shall scream #Which is not even getting into some of England's super special common law get out clauses #Though having recently listened to some stuff in French I'm beginning to think misconceptions are not limited to Great Britain #Anyway I did take some realy interesting classes at uni on things like marriage and religious orders and so on #But it was definitely patchy and I definitely do not have a good handle on how it all basically hung together #As evidenced by the fact that I've probably made a tonne of mistakes in this post #Books aren't entirely helpful though because you can't ask them questions and sometimes the author is just plain wrong #I mean I will take book recommendations but they are not entirely helpful; and we also haven't all read the same stuff #So one person's idea of what the basics of being baptised involved are going to radically differ from another's based on what they read #Which if you are primarily a political historian interested in the Hundred Years' War doesn't seem important eonugh to quibble over #But it would help if everyone was given some kind of similar introductory training and then they could probe further if needed/wanted #So that one historian's elementary mistake about baptism doesn't affect generations of specialists in the Hundred Years' War #Because they have enough basic knowledge to know that they can just discount that tiny irrelevant bit #This is why seminars are important folks you get to ASK QUESTIONS AND FIGURE OUT BITS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND #And as I say there is a bit of a habit in this country of producing books about say religion in mediaeval England #And then you're expected to work out for yourself which bits you can extrapolate and assume were true outwith England #Or France or Scotland or wherever it may be though the English and the French are particularly bad for assuming #that whatever was true for them was obviously true for everyone else so why should they specify that they're only talking about France #Alright rant over #Beginning to come to the conclusion that nobody knows how Christianity works but would like certain historians to stop pretending they do #Edit: I sort of made up the examples of the historical people who gave me my religious education above #But I'm now enamoured with the idea of who actually did give me my weird ideas about mediaeval Catholicism #Who were my historical godparents so to speak #Do I have an idea of mediaeval religion that was jointly shaped by some professor from the 1970s and a 6th century saint? #Does Cardinal Campeggio know he's responsible for some much later human being's catechism? #Fake examples again but I'm going to be thinking about that today

[maddy-ferguson]

This might be an odd complaint but I really don’t like how people act like Byler endgame would just excuse every other shitty thing that’s been done to everyone but conveniently attractive presumably straight white men in this show writing-wise. I’d be more than happy to have Byler be endgame and I expect it, but the amount of racism that’s been brushed off is ridiculous in and outside of the show. The weird St*ncy moments this season, the fact that she doesn’t get a storyline related to her trauma. Even season three was incredibly white of them. Joyce not getting hardly any scenes with Jonathan and Will these recent seasons. All of it and more—it won’t suddenly go away and make everyone on that writing team geniuses. And this isn’t to sound ungrateful or anything, but it really is disappointing sometimes. They exceed tremendously at some points such as the Upside Down lore but as for other aspects…

not an odd complaint at all! the only thing byler endgame makes okay is the fact that they didn't use will's feelings to fix a straight couple. there's so many other things they got wrong, and a lot of it has to do with the fact that the people writing the show are white men. and white women. white people

NOTHING they do could ever make what they did to lucas right. having their one black character go against the little white girl in season 1 which resulted in people being racist to caleb irl, having billy literally get physical with lucas and say he's gonna kill him and then saying in an interview that they "think" that billy was racist like they didn't write it themselves, the fact that it's literally never brought up again...lol. i know stranger things isn't a "this thing that happened was wrong. let's talk about it and try to make it better :)" type of show but still. it's crazy. also this regarding erica in season four

and you don't even have to dig that deep to find things that byler endgame won't fix: like you said, stncy being pushed on us and on nancy again in season 4? 98% sure it won't be endgame but like. why did you have to put us through that. WHY. and yeah lol, remember when they brought nancy back to that pool at the end of volume 1 like they remembered she was traumatized by the death of her best friend and then...nothing happened? idk, it's just so weird

also, the byers being sidelined? for will i guess you can rationalize it and come up with great and convincing meta reasons as to why his character was sidelined in seasons 3 and 4 (which, yeah, fascinating, i will still hate it ten years from now, no matter how important to season 5 will is), but what about jonathan? what about joyce? how does one justify the fact that winona went from being the reason 75% of people older than 15 started watching the show to having less screentime than fucking jason in season 4? it is annoying when people act like byler endgame will make everything right and will make stranger things a perfect show because it really won't

#also. s5 probably won't be as will-centric as most bylers/will stans are imagining #realistically😭 #i'm sure it will be but yk #it's not like this is a season of skam where everything is about one character yk this is stranger things #is joyce having less screentime than jason true idk i read that on the news with no source website and i'm repeating it. #i know writers saying they 'think' a character felt this way is like a thing they do sometimes but it annoys the fuck out of me in #this situation here #it's like whoopsie yeah he's a little racist. maybe! who knows though ^^ not me the person who invented him #can i also just say steve in general #this won't help me beat the steve hater allegations and i like him i promise but the fact that the most popular character in their the #freaks are great and we are rooting for them and for the underdog at all times show is mr normal straight guy is so #and it's their own fault (obviously) #there's a lot of other things i wanted to say like i know what they're saying with the show isn't bad right it's like i just said #but the execution is so questionable and acting like it isn't simply because the gay kid isn't gonna end up heartbroken alone or dead #is kind of offensive. even though people mean well #ask

[docholligay]

I think it’s important to remember in fandom that in your own fandom space you are allowed to be god, but never forget that you are also a little stupid.

#There's a freedom in going 'that's not true because I don't like it and we shall not have it in the foyer of my fine manse' #instead of trying to find justifications for stuff #that isn't to say you can't have reasons of course #but it's also really healthy i think to try and figure out if the reason is just justification you know? #Like I can stretch all kinds of mozzarella #but sometimes that's all I'm doing #I am not going to mention specific times I know I have done this because they are emabrassing to me and I don't have to #I call myself the god queen emporer arbiter of all that is good because it's true here but we all know (jesus christ I hope #when I say things so hyperdramatically. If ytou can't get this out of how I say it I can't help you.) that I'm being tongue in cheek #Often not always of course #wow great spelling of emperor you are a genius #anyway I've been thinking about this a lot but basically: You own your space but have perspective and don't go chasing the idea of having #your opinions crowned by others outside of your circle #if that makes sense #Also please all remember that at the end of the day this is all very stupid #.I'm being serious here 98 times out of 100 fandom fights are dumb as dogshit #yes even when I have participated in them please refer to my earlier never forget that you are also a little stupid

[emile-hides]

Splat3 story spoilers

I finished the story a while ago but it’s really only just now sinking in the implications of killing(???) Grizz and I have. A lot of questions.

Number one being; Who’s paying us?? Not just like. Now, but in Splatoon 2 as well?? We get paid now only straight money but all sorts of chunks and food tickets and Clothing??

And if Grizz wasn’t selling the Golden Eggs to the Government or whatever to power Inkopolis or whatever then where is this BEAR getting Inkling money?? Specifically INKLING MONEY so it’s not just shit left by the humans in Alterna that is Direct Spendable Cash in Inkling Society based Cities.

And why do we. Continue to get paid??? I can understand a Bear that plans to destroy the world at the end of all this throwing investment into a money hole like Grizzco that cannot possibly be turning a profit, but he’s supposedly dead or just in space. So who??? Is paying me??? To get these Golden Eggs??

Which brings up Question Two; What the Golden Eggs for now?? Where do they go?? Who do we turn them over to?? The Tutorial Fish behind the counter??? What does SHE do with them?? If no one knew who Grizz was and his radio was just prerecorded instructions (considering it still talks post story mode) then does anyone know he’s dead??? Does business of (I assume??) chucking golden eggs into the crater to Grizz’s secret Alterna lab continue??

Question Three; Who’s driving the Boat/Helicopter?? How do we get to these Salmon spawning locations in either game?? Because Splat 3 I could see it MAYBE being the Tutorial fish behind the counter we never see, but Splat 2 Grizzco was JUST Wooden Bear Radio in a building. If we never saw Grizz till Story Mod of Splat 3 Who Was Driving The Boat??

Question Four; Is. Is this the last Splatoon game with Salmon Run in it?? I know the game is a week old and it’s weird to immediately be thinking about the next game in the series but like. Seriously is that it???

Like I said, Grizzco is a money hole. Grizz wasn’t selling Golden Eggs, they didn’t actually power the city or boost technology or anything like that, they went directly into making as much fuzzy Ooze as he could, considering they were a vital ingredient I couldn’t see him parting with a single egg.

So like. If Grizz, who was willing to invest in said money hole with the goal of eventually ending the world so what’s it matter, is dead. Who would run Salmon Run? Back to question one, who would pay us?

Like game wise of COURSE Salmon Run is still running in Splat 3 there will always be new players to experience the story mode and they have to know who Grizz is first before getting to the plot twist but like. In Splat 4 I can’t image that really?? Matters much?? anymore???  So like. That’s it, yeah?? No more Salmon Run post Splat 3 (which is a long way away of course)

#Splatoon 3 #Splatoon 3 Spoilers #Splatoon 3 Story Spoilers #Grizz #Mr Grizz #Mr. Grizz #I've been tumbling this around in my head sense I finished story mode and I dunno man I dunno #I have. A lot of questions. #Also I know it's maybe a little kind of implied Octarians use Power eggs I think?? In their machines??? #I know Chuggaaconroy said that but I cannot for the life of me remember if it's true #But isn't that because they're like?? On good terms with Salmonids?? #Or did Grizz sell them the regular power eggs? #That'd be a good explanation honestly #And that'd make sense why his business is booming more in the Splatlands #Sense it's either a neutral zone or Octarian territory if the map is anything to go by #But there'd still be no one to run it next game I don't think #Also concern. What did Grizz eat??? While locked up in Alterna?? #I mean I guess he could leave but where would he go he's a 12ft tall BEAR #Probably underestimating that man rolled over and turned a whole ass human space ship like #He was massive #The goo made him bigger yeah like graually?? #Still my point stands. He's a fuckin Grizzly Bear what did he eat. #My theory was the regular power eggs but now I think he sold them to Octarians #The Salmonoids are all about being eaten it's like an honorable way to die to them #So maybe Salonoids?? That'd make sense he a bear.... #but their migration path isn't really close to Alterna is it #Eeeeeh #Also why did he sun dry Cuttlefish that I still can't find out #He said something about needed the age and wisdom and took is brain but like #ACTUALLY why I do not see how that played into his plan

[itspileofgoodthings]

Matthew MacFayden’s Darcy is a fascinating thing to unpack because I don’t believe it succeeds as a performance of Darcy or even as a performance in general (it kind of can't) but there are layers to it and it's not simple.

#the layers are: he’s a good actor. it’s a bad script. #okay simple enough but then it’s a bad script with several lines ripped directly FROM ONE OF THE GREATEST NOVELISTS OF ALL TIME #and so for a second he’s a good actor saying a great line and tbh it works in flashes #LOVE when he asks Caroline if he can defer her raptures til his next letter #Darcy dryness IN THE ROOM WITH US FOR A MOMENT #but then he’s also forced to stand up too quick and say ‘she’s upstairs’ in response to Lizzy asking about Jane #And it’s just. Giving Blurting? And I know he’s supposed to be flustered but it’s so not Darcy so it’s ooc and also jarring #and then there's his terrible haircut and the ill-fitting clothes and the strange blocking and direction #which add their own layers of bad #but then he ISN'T a bad actor and he's not not responding to Keira's beauty #there are moments where it's like.... yeah! that's a man who knows how to look at a woman! #he is not not connected to her. i know what people mean when they say they feel it #there's an energy! some glances! some warmth! #but then there's the thing where it's like. a) i don't think that he's the right choice for Darcy even in a better script #b) the script doesn't understand and has no interest in Darcy's true character and goes for the shy puppy/awkward/tumblr take on him #so both of those things are happening at once!!!!!!!! #and yeah it's just kind of so emblematic of the movie as a whole #not all the ingredients are bad but they are not well utilized at all #and also sometimes they are the wrong (good) ingredient #anyway do not mean to hurt any feelings or start any discourse i just am always trying to explain this to myself #and i don't think i've ever come so close tbh!!!!! #this was in my drafts from last night so i thought i would share it now #because I've always felt how much is wrong and how much is wrong as an Austen adaptation and yet there are glances #(that one gifset of them at Pemberley where they're talking about her playing and he's like 'no i said quite well') #(and she smiles and then he smiles and the light is golden and it's !!!!!) #but then there are moments that don't even work by that isolated measure!!!! #that just feel so weird and wrong!!!!! again. even by a sentimental measure #maybe even ESPECIALLY by a sentimental measure #so i'm always trying to unpack it more clearly (joe wright the clear villain being one takeaway) thank you for listening etc. more at 11. #2005 liveblog