#but in my case itll be what fucking does me in

[joeymets]

ughghghghhhhhhhhh

#fiaposting #vent incoming!!! sorry lmao #i just like. i dunno. lemme talk a bit to fill in the space #before the tag readmore #ok ok ok ok this is probably good #anyway #FUCK #i really wish there was somewhere i could express. you know. ideation. and talk about past you know ideation #without people automatically thinking im some whiny little traumadumper #or getting worried and forcing ME to be concerned about THEIR wellbeing when IM the one whos struggling #or risking being reported or having the fucking authorities called on me or some shit #everyones like oh if youre feeling like that you should talk to a friend! uwu #oh you should call this number! bring it up to a therapist! uwu uwu uwu #they dont fucking get it #they dont fucking get that its not that simple and it never will be #i understand why the threat of being reported or involuntarily committed is always there #its supposed to be to save peoples lives #i get that #but in my case itll be what fucking does me in #because of that threat i will never open up to anyone and ill keep it all sealed in forever until it really does kill me #and no one SEES A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH THAT #AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #im not gonna do anything rn dont worry about me i am just really upset lmao

[gibbearish]

the thing with autism right. is i know if i was having a full mental health crisis what i would end up doing is going to the emergency room and being like "hello, my name is (x) birthday (y), um i was hoping to talk to you about potential mental health inpatient care? i'm currently having a mental health crisis and don't think i can be trusted on my own" like if there's one thing i can be sure will live on in me no matter how hard the brainworms try. is my fucking customer service voice

#like itll be busted as fuck because ill be freaking out but you bet ill be sobbing my way through verbally drafting an email #ive done it before‚ like im a frustrated crier and once i start crying i cant turn it off so ive had a couple times where i had a breakdown #at work‚ cried about it a lot‚ and my lead pulled me into a meeting room after i calmed down to check in #and as soon as i started talking it just started again so i had to be like 'sorry th-this is just something m-m-my bod-dy does‚ i-i'm calm #m-mentally but i just c-cant turn this-is off‚ just try to i-ignore HIC it and f-f-focus-s on the w-wwwords‚ #(tired of crytyping so just mentally fill it in yourself in everything else i say) #n they offered me more time to chill but im like no really i genuinely am calm‚ i calm down wayyy before my body does its gonna #keep doing this on and off all day‚ it takes hours for it to fully calm down and is on a hair trigger the entire time #so thinking about this will make it kick back up again no matter what unless we talk tomorrow‚ so if youre ok with bearing with me then cool #and theyre like. dang ok and just focused on what i said #or much more recently i was talking to my roommate‚ stopped‚ held up a finger + stood there silently for ten seconds‚ #then was like 'sorry about that‚ i think i have to throw up. excuse me for a moment. what was that? oh gotcha yeah i'll message you if i #need anything‚ thank you' #and just typing it out like that it sounds like i was fine and just saw it coming a ways away. however that is not the case #i had had my covid booster and some other vaccine earlier that day‚ lost 5 vials of blood‚ eaten Nothing‚ drank only #acidic-ass apple juice‚ and had just hit my vape too hard #keeping it in once it made its presence known was a feat of will the likes of which have never been seen before #and still my sentences prevail

[navy-leader]

AH. Idk if my ask went through so, I’ll just ask again in case. I don’t remember how much you care about Chosen and the Dark Lord as a dynamic, but I’m not an expert on them and you seemed to post about them quite a bit SO. May as well ask for your opinion. I can’t send links in anonymous asks, but Sweet Hangman by Elliotly to me feels like a song from the Dark Lord’s perspective about Chosen.

I care about them a whole lot and GOOD LORD does that song fit my intepretation of Dark very well

To me, theyre a pair of overpowered ultraviolent codependent freaks who had zero socialization outside of eachother. They had nothing but eachother for years and even so theyve yet to learn a lot about eachother. They know goddamn near everything about eachother, their little quirks, their icks, their fears, their violent moments, but they never really grow as people just by being with eachother. They dont agree on everything, in fact they disagree quite often and those disagreements often end in violent fights, theyre both godawful at communication and arguments often devolve into fists, but they cool down at the end and move on with their day, its just how they worked with eachother. They got a lot of issues tangled in each of themselves and the other party isn't very well equipped to untangle them so things just stay tangled or get even more tangled. They consider eachother their best friend, no one else in the world gets them because they've never gone out much into the rest of the world, they dont let people in easily, and their social skills are so fucking shot.

Now individually, Dark has a tendency to follow and serve people even if she doesnt realize that herself, she was created with a purpose and followed that purpose until it got her cornered and ever since Chosen took her hand shes just been following and doing what Chosen was doing, and she didnt really realize Chosen's change of heart and thought that he was just being a gloomy weirdo and pulling away from her for no reason so she tried to earn back his affections by planning to destroy the rest of the internet. Because thats what Chosen wouldve wanted, right?

Chosen is a gloomy weirdo who has trouble empathizing and has a tendency to be in his own head too much, he does genuinely care about Dark its just that he doesnt really see what she actually needs and doesnt really think of himself of any importance to have his actions have an impact on others. When he realized the destruction he created with Dark was going too far he hadnt thought to really communicate that to Dark because he just assumed that Dark would get it, because theyve always went off the little clues they get from the other instead of saying anything directly, so itll be fine, right?

Anyways the entirety of AvA 5 was just a gigantic lack of communication and misunderstanding and Dark had created the virabots and plan to destroy AlansPC with Chosen in mind but turns out Chosen wasnt cool with that!! And of course like every other time they disagree they Fight instead of communicating like well socialized people 😭

And god id talk more but this is getting too long jahdgjw. Thank you for the ask!!!!

#asks #animation vs animator #ava the dark lord #ava the chosen one

[mayhem-neverending]

The Big Bad Wolf

Part XI

Word Count: 4,228

Warnings: Mentions of death

Note: Lights, Camera, Action! Don't mind the beginning, please and thanks. And Obito is in this part, don't worry.

Once again sitting across from him, Kakashi had the space to collect himself. He was internally reeling from your warmth and delicious smell, the ghost of your touch lingering in his hair. You appeared largely unaffected, but happy with the interaction.

A buzzing from his pocket stole his attention. He pulled it out and opened it, seeing a string of notifications. Two were from Genma, one was from Guy. He opened Guy’s first.

Rival!! I just heard you came to your paramour’s rescue!!! Is it true!!?? You are truly HEROIC!!

Kakashi opted to ignore that for the moment and opened Genma’s messages.

I thought you said you guys werent together

does that mean ur coming to my bday party too?

An irritated sigh exited his nose. His irritation clashed, however, with the excitement he felt from your conversation. He tucked his phone away without bothering to answer and only smiled at your questioning brow.

“How did Obito like meeting Hikaru?” He asked pleasantly.

“I think he was a little unsure at first, but he came around towards the end I think,”

“That sounds about right,”

“I really need you to get him a phone. I would hate for me or Hikaru to be sick and I don’t have any way to get a hold of him,”

“Makes sense. I’ll look into it tomorrow,”

“Thanks,”

You mirrored Kakashi as he sipped his sake. He looked around briefly before asking, “You don’t happen to have any of that food you were talking about earlier, do you?”

“No, I left it all with Obito. Are you hungry?”

“A little,”

“Well, I’m sure Obito’ll be happy to see you,” You raised an eyebrow at him.

“Kicking me out?”

“Never. I just think it would be good for him to see you. He’s been doing a lot better, and I think he’d be proud to show you his progress,”

He thought for a moment. “Not tonight. I’ll make some time tomorrow though, okay?”

You grinned. “That’d be great, Kakashi.”

“And you’re welcome to my fridge, if you want. I don’t really have the energy to cook right now,”

“What do you have?”

You playfully rolled your eyes. “Go look,”

He kept his drink in his hand while he got up to look. You followed him, your own drink in one hand and phone in the other. You set them down and hoisted yourself onto the counter. You settled yourself and opened up your phone. You hadn't heard it go off but you figured you might as well check.

You were glad you did. There was a message from Hina, your cousin… And a missed call from Toma, but you weren’t going to give that one any of your energy.

hey no worries here im with my aunt. the one w dementia near the border. Ill lyk if anything happens but im sure itll all be okay

thanks for worrying abt me tho. r u coming when I give birth still? im due in like 2 weeks

“Fuck,”

Kakashi looked back at you from where he was bent over, placing a bake-able tupperware container in the oven. “Hm? What’s wrong,”

“A. I forgot I told Hina I would be there when she gave birth, and B. She didn’t take my warning seriously… The upside is that she isn’t near her husband’s compound, though. She’s on the western border, closest to us.”

“You should tell her to stay there. It’ll be easier to extract her in case of an emergency.”

You did just that, and told her you would try to find a sitter for Hikaru so you could be there for her. To her it was just a loving family member there to help her; for you it was an extra set of eyes and capable hands there to protect her. If the Zen’in Clan stirred up trouble, like they always did when things didn’t go in their favor, it would compromise the safety of her and her baby.

“Would I be able to take off for that?” You asked Kakashi, who was leaning against the counter opposite you, his feet crossed at the ankle in front of him.

“For her baby’s birth?”

“Yeah,”

He tilted his chin down and his thin brows furrowed. “I don’t know, Y/n. It would be incredibly dangerous for you to go into a country that is in such a politically tumultuous state right now,”

You grumbled, but didn’t push the subject further. You would have to play it by ear, anyway.

The next morning your son woke you extra early. He wasn't allowed to go to school until twenty-four hours after his fever had subsided, so you had convinced your grandma to take him for the day before you had gone to bed.

You got up slowly and went about your usual routine. The morning was incredibly bright from the sun reflecting off the surface of the white snow. Before you left, you tried to find a pair of sunglasses, but only found Hikaru’s half-bent ones. He didn’t care for your attempt at putting them in his toy bin and took them from you, smashing them on his face until they balanced enough for him to walk around with them.

Your grandma was closer to the forest than the daycare was, so you had taken a little extra time getting out the door. You styled your hair differently and chose a nicer set of warm clothes - a more fitted sweater and jeans. You wouldn’t admit it, but you knew deep down who you were trying to look nice for.

The walk took longer than you had anticipated since you had forgotten to factor in Hikaru’s desire to stomp around in the freshly fallen snow. You let him dig his toes in and drag his feet and shove his little hands in it in wonder; choosing to be patient and appreciate the sheer joy lighting up his chubby face.

Waiting in the front window, your grandmother watched as you two approached until you opened the front gate. She opened the door and called for Hikaru with a delighted smile.

“My boy! I haven’t seen you in what feels like 50 years!” She exclaimed dramatically.

He wasn’t giving her any attention, opting to plop straight down into the snow and giggle. You shook your head with a smile and hoisted him up, effectively covering yourself in the snow that came with him.

You handed him off to your grandma, told her you loved her and kissed Hikaru on both cheeks, repeating the same phrase to him. You waved goodbye and made a swift exit.

Obito was worried you might not make it But there he was, standing in his window, watching you take dramatically large steps as you trudged through the deep snow. The scene put a massive grin on his face. He courteously opened his front door for you when got close enough.

“Good morning,” you untied your boots on the front step, sliding your feet out and hopping into the cottage.

“Good morning!” He replied cheerily, shutting the door behind you.

“Somebody’s in a good mood,”

He thought you were being sarcastic, but you smiled up at him warmly, even if it didn’t quite reach your eyes. You smacked the snow off your boots and pulled them inside, letting him close the door behind you. Instead of your usual route to the kitchen, you veered off the path and tossed yourself on the couch.

“Walking in that snow really wore me out,”

He playfully rolled his eyes. “So, that means you get to slack off on the clock?”

“Of course,” you patted the seat next to you with a little smile. “Come slack off with me?”

He settled onto the cushion next to you, turning his body so that he was facing you. A comfortable silence surrounded the two of you for a few short minutes. He studied your profile while you stared at the fire, obviously lost in thought.

“I had an interesting evening after I left yesterday,”

“Oh?”

“My ex’s new girlfriend harassed me outside of the apothecary, then Kakashi shows up and tells me that Akujia has outlawed all forms of chakra control!”

“Shit, are you serious?” he leans back, his smile slipping.

“Dead,”

“That is not good,”

You nodded in agreement. “My cousin, Hina, still lives there, but when I told her she should consider moving here she just kinda blew me off. She doesn’t - I don’t know how to put this without seeming like an ass - but she… lac- has chosen.. not to.. hone.. her critical thinking skills. God I sound like a shitty person, but in short, I’m genuinely worried about her and her baby,”

“Is she a chakra-user?”

“No, but her baby is the heir of the Zen’in clan,”

His brows shot up and he made a face like he was impressed. “No shit? Good for her,”

His comment lightened the mood, and you threw him a playful smile. “I know, right? She’s really got it made. Her husband not only loves her, like, intensely, but he’s loaded, attractive, and with the servants, the girl never even has to lift a finger,”

“Hm, does sound pretty nice,” he rested the side of his head on the back of the couch. “Is that what you want?”

“Which part?”

You enjoyed your view of him. His black hair, which needed another trim, was still moussed up a bit from sleep, and the depth of his eyes was revealed in the stream of sunlight illuminating him. The warmth of the sun softened his sharp features, and he looked absolutely charming the way he was smiling at you. He licked his lips before he spoke, drawing your attention to them. Despite being slightly chapped, you thought they looked awfully silky. You briefly wondered what he would do if you reached out and touched them.

“Attractive, loaded, the servants - is that what you want in a man?”

The seriousness of his tone had you giggling. You shook your head ‘no’. “The love part is the most important to me. I don’t particularly want servants, but money is definitely a perk. I like feeling financially secure, for sure,”

“Attractiveness?”

You raised your brow. He was looking at you attentively, like this was a very important conversation. It made you feel a little weird, but you answered honestly, “In general, I find a lot of people attractive, but in an objective way. I rarely find people that I’m attracted to. And that’s what’s important to me. Someone could tell me they don’t think who I’m dating is all that good looking, but it doesn’t matter all that much to me, because I’m attracted to them as a whole person, y’know? Not just their looks,”

He nodded like you had just given him some profound insight. You, now curious because of his strange behavior, turned the question around on him. “What is important to you in a woman?”

You rested your cheek on your fist. He looked a bit scattered at having been asked the same thing. “Uh, well,”

He cleared his throat and looked away from you. In a flat tone, he muttered, “Dunno, haven’t really thought about it,”

A frown tugged at your lips and you looked at him in puzzlement. “In all your life, you haven’t really thought about it?”

With downcast eyes, he replied, “That’s a conversation for another day,”

You nodded, accepting his answer for the time being. You stood and stretched your arms over your head. “Well, it’s pretty late, how about brunch?”

“Whatever you want,” he replied with a shrug, easing back into his lighter tone.

“I love it when you say that,” you winked.

He followed you into the kitchen in his normal fashion, leaning against the counter-top and taking up your precious little prep space. It didn’t matter how many times you had to move him around the kitchen while you worked, he always stayed if he wasn’t preoccupied with anything else.

He made himself comfortable, folding his arms over his chest and leaning heavily into the counter. He looked intimidating like this sometimes; his mouth set in a firm line while he silently watched.

He wore a black t-shirt, rather than his usual long-sleeve, and you wondered once again about his arms being two completely different colors. What really caught your attention, though, was the muscle definition. You had a hard time tearing your gaze away from the well defined-lines; only narrowly avoiding him catching you by quickly reaching beside him to grab a cutting board.

“I’m thinking extra protein today. How about Eggs Benedict, but make it with chicken cause we don’t have ham?”

“Hm, as long as you fry the chicken like you did last time, I’m game,”

“Oh, that was a new recipe. You liked that?”

“Oh, yeah,” he replied mischievously. “I liked it, ‘like a lot’,”

“You little shit,” you said with a grin.

He laughed at your expense, but you enjoyed his teasing. He was absolutely wonderful to be around whenever he wore his goofy grin. For the first time, you blushed when he aimed it at you.

Feeling a little hot and a host of butterflies in your stomach, you looked away from him and busied yourself with starting brunch. He talked to you about a new quilting project he was sketching out while you pulled everything you needed out. He was animated, drawing the shapes in the air with his finger in an attempt to better convey his vision.

You told him to just get the paper he drew it on with a laugh, and he went off into the living room in search of it among the scraps. You shook your head to yourself, wondering how you could be so happy just listening about his excitement over his project.

You were beginning to remove the bones from the raw chicken when your phone started to ring loudly. Your bag was in the living room so you asked Obito to grab it really quickly for you. He trotted over with it and you asked him who it was.

“Uh, Hina. That’s your cousin, right?”

Anxiety flared in your chest, “Answer it, put it on speaker, please,”

He answered and clicked the speaker button, standing close to you and holding it near your face so you could speak clearly into it. You answered, “Hey,”

“Hi,” she answered in an unnaturally high, broken pitch and you immediately stopped what you were doing, your body stilling while your heart-rate increased.

“Hina?” You asked slowly.

“I-” she cut herself off with a sudden burst of loud, uncontrollable sobbing.

You dropped your knife and pushed Obito over with your hip to get access to the sink. You turned it on and called her name again, but it only caused her to let out a guttural sob that pierced straight through your chest. You hurriedly washed your hands and wiped them on your jeans, grabbing the phone from Obito.

“Hey, hey, Hina? What’s going on?”

You heard shaky breathing on the other end and assumed she was attempting to get enough control to speak, but only seconds later she let out another sharp cry. Your wide eyes met with Obito’s. Something bad happened, obviously, and your mind conjured up image after cruel image. Your hands began to shake almost imperceptibly as adrenaline coursed through you.

“Hina, sweetie. I’m right here. Please, can you tell me what’s going on?”

“I-”

“Take a deep breath with me?”

She made a noise and you started. “In… out…”

After a single breath, she screeched, “They killed him!”

Her uncontrollable sobs were let loose once again, cut up by sharp, ragged breaths. “The. Oh God..-”

On the other end you heard retching, and your hand unconsciously covered your mouth. Your heart dropped into your stomach and your shaking worsened. Your feet were glued to the floor, eyes unfocused on the cabinet in front of you. All of your senses dulled except your hearing, focusing so you could catch any words she tried to get out between heaves. Every noise she made was amplified and rang in your ears.

In between her heaving she breathlessly got out, “The clan… The meeting..”

You assumed she finished vomiting and you listened to her struggle to breathe in and out. “They massacred the clan! Javi’s dead!”

“Where are you?” you asked urgently.

“Still-still with my aunt,”

“Stay there, do you hear me?”

“But-”

“Stay. There. I will come get you,”

There was complete silence on the other end of the line. You waited with baited breath, staring into nothing.

You had never heard her sound smaller than when she asked, “How long?”

You had to pause for a moment; your mind blanking as her voice gutted you. As quickly as you could, you did the math in your head, your heart aching for her. “Two days,”

She sniffled, and a tremor of fear rang through her voice as she asked, “You promise?”

“I promise,” you replied with sincerity.

After a beat, you calmly said, “I have to make a couple calls, okay?”

“I’m scared,” she cried.

“I’m so, so sorry, Hina. This should have never happened to you, and I know it’s hard, but you need to stay as calm as you can for your baby, okay?”

She cried softly on the other end. After a long pause she finally said, “Okay,”

“I’m hanging up now. I’ll be in contact with you later.” You hit the ‘end call’ button, almost missing from the shaking of your hands.

Immediately, you called Kakashi. You finally regained the ability to move, and paced up and down the room as the phone rang. It rang and rang.. and went to voicemail. You took the phone away from your ear and fervently hit the call button again. Your pace increased as it rang and you held the phone in an iron-grip.

He answered. “Hey, I can’t really-”

“They killed the Zen’in clan,” you blurted.

Before he had a chance to respond, you hurriedly gave him the short version of your previous call. There was muted talking in the background and a short, agonizing silence before he spoke to you again.

“Listen, I can’t just send you out on your own. This isn’t just a matter of family; the Zen’in are important people and your cousin is carrying the last living member as far as we’re aware. I have no doubt that someone will come after her to finish the job they started if they find out she’s still alive,”

“Obito can come with me,” you rushed out before your mind could even process.

“Y/n. I can’t. He’s on house arrest, the council-”

“They don’t have to know. Besides, he’s stronger than the rest of the jounin, and everyone’s busy. Please, Kakashi,” you reasoned.

You looked at Obito out of the corner of your eye, and slowly registered that his eyes were glossed over. He likely wasn’t hearing any of your conversation.

He let out a frustrated sigh. “Y/n,”

Hina’s broken sobs reverberated in your mind, and a sense of desperation rose from your chest into your throat.

Your voice broke as you begged, “Please,”

Silence, and then, “Go home, change into your uniform, and bring your gear. Pack a separate civilian outfit. Meet me back at Obito’s when you’re done. No more than two hours; this has to be done quickly,”

“Yes, sir. Thank you,”

You pulled your phone away to end the call when he asked, “What will you do with Hikaru?”

“Fuck!” You raked your fingers over your scalp.

“Just. Fucking Toma can take him,”

“Are you sure?”

You huffed in frustration. “He won’t listen to me if I try to talk to him, but no one else can keep him for four plus days. Can you- would you call him at work or something? Please, for me? He’d probably listen to you,”

“Okay, I’ll try,”

“Thank you.” You hung up the phone.

Closing your eyes, you took a deep breath. When you opened them, Obito was standing in front of you. His face was deeply lined with worry. He hesitantly reached out in an attempt to comfort you, but stopped midway, unsure of himself. You breached the gap, grabbing a fistful of his shirt and burying your face into his chest.

“That was…” he trailed off.

He awkwardly tried to comfort you by patting your shoulder while his other arm circled around your back. The exchange was brief; you backed away and hastily made for your coat and boots by the front door. While shoving your feet in your boots, you vaguely heard him trailing after you.

“Less than two hours,” you said, now slinging on your coat.

“What?”

“I’ll be back here in less than two hours. Kakashi’s coming, so be ready to go,”

“Ready to go?”

You stopped unlatching the door and looked at him over your shoulder, becoming frustrated as you felt the clock ticking. “Yes, Obito. You’re coming with me. Have an outfit packed, I assume Kakashi will bring the rest of what you need,”

He stared at you with wide eyes and a dropped jaw, but you chose not to respond. Instead, you flung open the door and slammed it shut behind you. You sprinted through the snow covered path to your apartment, and, when you hit the village, you jumped between the rooftops despite the snow, hurrying as fast as you could.

In your apartment, you ripped your closet door open and pulled out a few storage bins that contained all of your shinobi equipment. It was one of the few things from your past you fought Toma tooth and nail to keep, and you could never have been more grateful to your past self for standing her ground.

You found your winter uniform at the bottom of the second bin. You pulled on a black, long-sleeve compression shirt. Over that you wore your kusari gusoku, or the protective chain-mail most ninja wore under their clothes. You pulled on the standard pants with leggings underneath for added warmth, and black boots. You added a thin, but incredibly warm, water resistant hooded jacket that clung to you comfortably.

Taking a seat on your bed, you added white tape to your leg. While rolling it on, you smacked your hand against something hard. You reached into one of your many pockets and to your surprise, found a hidden kunai mechanism; a spring-loaded wire that allows the user to extend and retract kunai from their sleeve instantly. You placed it back where you found it, just in case, and finished the wrappings.

Instead of the regular issued sandals, you pulled on the lesser used, but still military issued, black boots. They formed to your feet perfectly - they had always been your favorite pair of shoes, and the feeling brought in a wave of memories. You had to push them away while you continued, but the nostalgia lingered.

Tying the hitai-ate around your neck was the last piece of the puzzle. The weight of it felt right, a familiar heaviness that steadied your racing thoughts. You wanted to look in your full length mirror, but knowing you would distract yourself, you readied your weapons, tools, and pack first. They were all in one place, so it took only a few minutes to distribute what you needed to your pockets and the rest to your bag. Before you decided to call it good, you went into your bathroom and tossed in some of your first aid stuff, since your old kit hadn’t been touched in years.

Packing a couple outfits (an extra for Hina, just in case), shoes, and basic everyday necessities took up the rest of your time. The apartment looked like a tornado had run through it when you had finally closed the zipper, but you hardly glanced at it. You pulled your bag strap over your shoulder, and an overwhelming sense of anxiety slammed into your gut.

As if in a trance, you went back into your bedroom closet, and pulled out one of Hikaru’s baby blankets and an old swaddle. In the back of your mind you reprimanded yourself for using up space for something that would likely prove useless, but you couldn’t help yourself. Your anxiety had always led you to pack for ‘just in case’ scenarios, and you wouldn’t be changing this time.

Before you put it back on, you allowed yourself one glance in the mirror. The woman who stared back at you was a person you had never expected to see again. Tears welled in your eyes because for the first time in years, you fully recognized the person in the mirror. There was hardly any change, physically. You looked a little older, the dark circles under your eyes a little darker, your hands a little softer, maybe even a little wiser, but all in all, you looked like you, again. Or at least a version you had loved.

You covered your mouth as a quiet, relieved sob spilled out. You blamed your tears on your heightened emotions, and quickly wiped them away. You gave your reflection a watery smile, and waved at yourself like you were greeting an old friend. You tore yourself away before you could get lost in it and headed back to Obito’s.

Part XII

Tag List: @mostlyunsure, @humongousdreamlandbear, @ichaichahatake

#x reader #x y/n #au #naruto #obito x reader #obito uchiha x reader #obito uchiha #obito lives au

[snow-143]

Water Coloured Tears | Jeon Jungkook

three- drunken rambles (0.5k words)

Jungkook’s pov:

7am. Soft light is shining through my curtains, blinding my dry eyes a little. God, what did I do last night? Searching for my phone, I'm a little shocked when I find it still open. On a call with...

with y/n? The fuck? 

Well this is far worse than anything else I was thinking. Great job Kook. So much for keeping your distance. Who am I kidding, that plan was catapulted out of the window when Miss fuckface paired us together.

Sighing I unlock my phone, hoping whatever I find on there will enlighten me on my thought process. 

And what do you know, it opens right into my notes app, with a lengthy paragraph. This should be good. 

It takes me a little longer than I'd like to admit to be able to understand the words I had written down. My drunken rambles and the current state of my vision don't seem to mix well. Who would've thought?

-I asaw her today agsim. MY chets hurt. She didnt seem happy to see me :( I was a meanie. She so prety when she mad tho. Wantd to squish her cheks. But noooo av got to be an IDIOT! Kookie IK your reeding this. YOURE AN IDIOT. shld i text her? i should. im smart unlik you!

shes not replyng. Does she hate me? I'm sorry :( it just hurts to see you love. i wish i cud tell you al of this. but itll hrt you even more. i dont wanna hurt u. i dont wana hurt. i sould call her? shes saw? seen? idk but she red the mesage. im gonna call her.

SHE ANSERED! kook she answerd we were scared for nothing. her voive so prety. I missed her voice. I miss her.

JEOM JUNGKOOK YOU BETTR NOT FORGER TO MEEET HER. CAFE 2PM. DOT BE PUSSY.

so stupid. gonna apolisse. shes so quite.

she said irs okay :( ts not okay. i know its not. was noce to hear tho. its okay :)

m so sleepy. so noce to talk again tho nixkxk njuhi-

Well that was a hard read. 

She stayed on the call after I fell asleep? Sighing I roll over and try and get some more sleep. Not hanging up the call. 

----------------

12pm. Safe to say my attempt to sleep off my hangover didn't work. Unless you count me lying in bed listening to her soft breaths until my phone died. Best part is I was about to finally pass out right when I realised her little sighs had been cut off. 

That was 9am. Three hours ago. Three whole hours of me stressing out about what I'm meant to do. 

I could just not show up and say I didn't remember, even I know that's too far. I'll have to face her eventually anyway. She probably won't even show up. Right? Right. It'll be fine. I'll go just in case. 

It's okay. The words do laps around my head the whole time I'm waiting for her. Yes waiting. I showed up an hour early. Like some over exited loser.

I wonder how she said it. Was she being genuine? Was it half hearted words fuelled by pity?

That's something I may never know, but right now I know that she's walking directly towards me. Shit. Shit. SHIT.

prev | m.list | next

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a/n: stressed asf lately so bare with me guys 🙏

#books #bts non idol au #bts x reader #fanfic #bts fanfic #bts angst #bts college au #jungkook fanfic #jeon jungguk #jeon jungkook #jk bts #jeon jk #jk fanfic #artist au #bts jungkook #bangtan #army #bts army #bts smut

[hartmannyoukaigirl]

i cant stop thinking abt the official aot highschool au.. usually i am So disinterested in irl and school aus but in this case it is a bit fun because isyama himself came up w it and he made it so stereotypically 2000s american highschool movie themed in a somehow not annoying or bad way

( unhinged rambling ensues )

i literally. do not even like those types of movies. but to imagine the very tragic aot cast in such a light hearted setting is fun and interesting

especially because the characters are every so slightly different and ngl i still want isayama to kill himself bc of the ending but he cooked with that AU

Eren in that au is soooo painfully average but has a bit of edge to him. it is Still Small but its There and i so badly want to draw him going through character development and amping up that edge to 999

And. Also. Itll be a ship comic IF i make it but i dont want to bc i don't rlly like drawing ships

it'll be ao cringy though, and not my usual kind of cringe it is actually in the normie twitter/facebook direction which is why im hesitant and kinda ashamed i even want to draw such a normie thing. my elitism has gotten the better of me

I talked b4 abt how eren and historia are kinda not a bad ship!! and in that au they actually had peak interactions and its. like. its fun to imagine the ( not ) average ( not ) lame nobody of the school eren end up with THE queen bee historie in that au. Their dynamic would be a bit cool although SO STEREOTYPICAL. BUT THATS PRECISELY THE POINT

to explain

in that au historia hates being popular and having a dedicated simp circle ( which she does ) but she's also a bit stuck up. just. a bit. but she doesn't enjoy it

and my girl. has been lowkey fixating on eren anyways because he was kinda the lame loser of the school and when he ended up with geniune friends she GOT JEALOUS and

a whole dramatic arc ensues that ends with her crying bc of bullying and chad eren saves her by lying and taking the blame so she blushes n goes kyaaaa eren ?!?!!!? ( written by the man who ruined the story for eren x m*kasa btw. ) and it ENDS THERE

So. That made me think of me continuing the story aa a fanfic ( drawn doujin ) where eren !! eren :3 :) pays a bit more attention to her because it made me sad how he fr moved on while she still has her dedicated fake simp circle

IN CANON. she loses her beloved gf and gets depressed and it is eren who cheers her up and says she doesnt have to act bubbly or cute or a good girl that he likes her better as her true self :) this cheers her up and makes her gain confidence and. then. eren discovers he kinda chomped his dad and gets depressed and it is historia who says fuck his dad useless bastard anyways & it is better to be selfish and move on for one's own sake. and says theyre the enemies of Humanities and despite the many crimes their families did it doesn't matter and theyll be different ( THEN EREN BECOMES 1000X WORSE LMAO LETS GOO 80% GENOCIDE 💯💯 ) this cheers eren up and makes him Stop being suicidal and actually move forward ( based historia i wish she went on with the 100% seflish personality before isayama ruined her )

OK SO MY POINT IN THE HIGHSCHOOL AU. ITD BE FUNNY IF THEY WENT THROUGH A SIMIALR DEVELOPMENT BUT WITHOUT THE STAKES AND DRAMA AND TRAGEDY OF CANON

where

it is a simple development where eren tells her she doesnt have to be the perfect cute bubbly feminine girl of the school and can just be herself. similar to what he told her in canon. hiatoria goes ?!?!?!??! :"O :") and also >///< and a bit 👉👈 and yknow how it is

Eren also starts noticing her a bit more & hanging out with her and becomes her first real actual friend !! yayayya :3 u could say eren also starts liking her after she shows more of her true personality and stops being stuck up also. yknow. lets go of her super popular fame

but thats just my thoughts. i had the story for a fake dating au ( 💀💀💀💀 I AM ACTUALLY REGRESSING ) bc thats kinda similar to what happened in the canon au !! except yknow as fake dating aus go it stops being fake ( UR KIDDING I WOULDVE NEVER NOTICED ) & they get together 👏👏

MY POINT IN ALL OF THIS

I WANT TO DESIGN THEM BOTH IN PUNK CLOTHINF. THANK U AND GN

#literally unhinged rambling #idk what im even saying or getting at

[mejomonster]

Started reading In The Dark, first chapter Nightmares:

Interesting vibes. Before anything else, I love the descriptions in this. I've been losing my own ability to spit out what the fuck Im trying to describe when writing lately, and the slightly poetic imagery but also to the point present tense of how this is written... it's really helping inspire me. (And of course, seeing quick examples of describing characters and buildings quickly without clumsiness but also still with some emotion is helpful)

Expectedly, the leads appear to be "two hot men" as is the bl usual ToT it is what it is. I'm partial to modu's babes still, but I'll get used to a new novel again lmao (what can I say? No character in a Long While is gonna top the fucking Captain China descriptions, the personality of priests characters screaming out so much that its ultimately the feeling of the character so unique and bizarre that you remember more than actual looks).

I am hoping, somehow, this novel's gonna be written as intelligently (as in intense themes, parallels, symbolism, points to make) as a priest novel. Im spoiled cause all the other chinese bl novels ive finished reading? Fucking excellent. I think my hopes are justified, tbh. If for no other reason than this writer doing some of my favorite shit: they name dropped a japanese murder author Ive read (and mentioned a plot of it im intrigued by), and they've left a TON of potential foreshadowing threads.

Said threads: opening, character dreams of a bloody woman? Could be a Fei Du (ish) situation where he did awful stuff and blacked it out. Could be a darker situation, where he's actually the bad guy/antihero/dangerous and we get a story from THAT point of view in some regard (which is a fascinating potential).

Character meets guy who clearly matches him, was at the theater for him, stalking him? At some prior point, started watching him first? Oh you know me. I like a slow burn. I like a long history (as long as its not childhood friends anything but that), i like rivals, its giving L X Light, Beyond Evil guys energy.

The movie playing: the stranger says he doesnt like roses. And the earlier quote from the murder novel, the Xie Lanshan remebering the quote that "even a demon essentially Id still love you." My prediction: one of them believes even cruel they'll love the other, but the other believes they'd stop loving and fight each other. This of course also implies: one will go darkside/be cruel/lose themselves/already is lost, and either that same one Or the other will not be loving the other when love is whats expected. Sort of the whole "youre a monster, but you wont hurt me" then the monster DOES hurt you. Or "even though youre a monster, ill still be here with you" (which is luo wenzhou 100 percent) but with the monster going "well that was a fucking mistake cause i am killing/betraying you now." If this novel likes foreshadowing, which i like, itll play with this AT LEAST in some case long arc. And ideally itll play out between the leading lovers. Which if so, is a story Id be interested in reading

And yes, i did go into this totally blind except knowing its (probably) a dark detective bl story. So we'll see how the predicting goes lol

For real though, i do really enjoy its writing style and the way its snappy but lingers just enough on painting images emotionally.

#in the dark #lb

[queenie-blackthorn]

theories for chain of thorns

i had these posted on my gr from like december, im just posting them here

- lucie will now be an antagonist lets be honest we all know it. necromancers are NOT good people and thats the path lucie chose for herself by wanting to save jesse

- someone major will die idk who it is yet, but my instincts tell me its matthew or alistair. the second wouldnt make sense tho – if alistair dies, how would the carstairs line continue down to emma??? hopefully itll be tatiana that bitch

- jamie x daisy its inevitable guys, have you seen the snippets? im rooting for them theyre perfect

- thomas and alistair are NOT gonna end up together this was a gut feeling when i wrote it but as of jan 5 i have a legible reason as to why they would not be happy and its the next theory

- IM SCARED THOMAS IS GONNA DIE the “found family tree” says that thomas died TWO YEARS before barbara. i understand cassie has repeatedly stated that its been manipulated (she hinted that it was changed by the silent brothers) and isnt reliable. but isnt that disturbing?? esp considering theres at least part of it thats reliable, and thats the fact that alistair will 100% go on to marry a woman despite being gay. if alistair doesnt have kids, and cordelias children are all herondales, then the carstairs family would die out and emma would not be related to jem (even tho its been stated that they are related by blood). “oH bUt SoNa iS pReGnAnT mAyBe ShEs GoNnA GiVe BiRtH tO a bOy” first of all, theres a chance the baby is born a girl second of all, the baby might die third of all, where is the son on the family tree? fourth of all, SONA IS, ACCORDING TO THE TREE, DEAD BEFORE THOMAS. PLEASE.

- grace x christopher i despise grace but she acts like a different person around kit… maybe he can fix her

- anna x ariadne she cant fuck up ALL the gay relationships, now can she?

- the merry thieves are gonna forgive alistair (specifically matthew) bro he literally made out with one of them TWICE. if matthew doesnt think “well shits gonna get awkward if i dont forgive the sorry bastard” istg~ 💀

- this is more of a hope than a theory MATTHEW FAIRCHILD SHALL ACHIEVE THE HAPPINESS HE DESERVES smth tells me he wont get a happy ending tho… i mean, if my above theory abt thomas is correct~

- SO DOES ALISTAIR I MEAN CMON GUYS #justiceforalistair he regrets the shit hes pulled and therefore your hate against him for it is invalid PLUS HE GOT BULLIED BY RACIST PIECES OF SHIT HE DID WHAT HE COULD TO MAKE IT STOP

- matthew will open up abt his secret its like a routine at this point, in every shadowhunters series. a character has a secret that nearly kills them outta despair, they open up to friends, theyre met with love and support. jace loving his “sister”. wills “curse”. emma and jules’ relationship. ty bringing back livvy. alec being gay. you get used to it lol

- either lucie or matthew would have their marks stripped lucie for attempting/committing necromancy, and matthew because sobh said he doesnt have a specified death date (also i think cassie just hates him)

- jesse will be evil bro wouldnt that be cruel… like imagine after lucie brings him back hes like “haha i manipulated you to bring me back i never loved you” and then sHe GETS HER RUNES STRIPPED FOR NECROMANCY and its worse bc the shadowhunters are already out to get the herondales bc they refuse to accept tessa as anything but a warlock no but in that case she would prolly go to live with wills parents OKAY BUT IMAGINE HOW HEARTBROKEN CHARLOTTE WOULD BE WHILE DOING IT WHILE JAMIE IS CRYING AND MATTHEW SCREAMING AT HER NOT TO AND WILL TELLS HIM TO STOP WHILE TEARS ARE GOING DOWN HIS FACE

- a “seven husbands of evelyn hugo” thing with anna x ariadne and thomas x alistair (credit to my good friend wiz/nisha for saying this) maybe cassie is going to have thomas marry ariadne and anna marry alistair so that they could have a good old switcheroo, so they can swap lovers?? obviously it cant be anna and thomas lmao theyre cousins but thomas and ARIADNE…

- matthew and cordelia ARE going to kiss at one point HOL’ UP I DONT SHIP EM, i think its gonna be a climon kinda thing where they kiss and dont like it as much as they thought they would, and end up deciding to stay friends i think thats the best way cassie could deal with matthews crush on her without breaking anyones heart, i hope to god it wont be like him confessing and her rejecting him plz oml

#chain of thorns theories #chot #chain of thorns #tsc #the shadowhunter chronicles #tlh #the last hours tlh #the last hours #lucie herondale #tatiana blackthorn #james herondale #cordelia carstairs #james x cordelia #cordelia x james #jordelia #thomas lightwood #alistair carstairs #thomas x alastair #thomastair #sona carstairs #grace blackthorn #christopher lightwood #grace x christopher #christopher x grace #anna lightwood #ariadne bridgestock #anna x ariadne #ariadne x anna #merry thieves

[sadisthetic]

jaya string of fate au

ive mentioned string of fate au a few times here. ive finally put it together into a post. okay so the reason why ive taken so long to transfer this is bc ITS FROM JULY OF LAST YEAR. i wasnt sure if i should lightly edit it or rewrite it. because it started out as me complaining about rebooted and then me fucking craving fanfiction and hurt (i do this 24/7) and then it morphed into this au that also doubled as character/relationship analysis and me fixing rebooted with my bare fucking hands in the context of this au

anyways. jaya string of fate au with emphasis on the heartbreak of s3. half of this was written half a year ago. man i was so mad about s3 back then lol

been thinking about s3 again. whats even more frustrating about the bad het drama. is that they didnt even give jay and nya a proper break up. granted their get together wasnt on screen either BUT IF YOURE GONNA OH SO RUDELY TEAR THEM APART LIJE THAT. THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS DO IT WITH MORE FUCKING PURPOSE. THE WRITERS JUST PITCHED A WRENCH INTO THE WORKS AT BULLET SPEED JUST BECAUSE! JUST BECAUSE THEY WANTED DRAMA. BUT FOR WHAT!!!!!!!!! MAKES ME FUCKING MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL IT DID IS DO JAY DIRTY AND NYAS CHARACTER DIRTY

nyas fucking integrity spit on. you didnt have to make her be like that. it just really fucking made her look BAD. god i wont say jay was a perfect boyfriend but he didnt deserve THAT.

anyways. i want a canon compliant jaya breakup fic set in s3 (present jem speaking: I STILL WANT THIS BY THE WAY.) im so certain nobody has written this. i think heartbreak could be a form of whump if you make it hurt enough.

well. technically. it would be more emotional hurt fic rather than whump. but im a guy who has his definitions twisted. this is whump to me. also im a guy who thinks unromantic things as romantic but also loves love thats void of romance above anything else. i can do both. anyways.

i want jay to feel absolutely crushing heartbreak. i want jay to be hurt. i want him to feel it in his chest. unfairness— rending, jealousy— twisting, want— squeezing. all he yearns for is to be with nya. because he loves her. but apparently... nya doesnt feel the same way. and it hurts

i want to consume heartbreak. i think itll be crunchy on the outside but soft and squishy on the inside. absolute chewable pleasure. lightly salty and bittersweet. i also wanna squeeze jays heart like a stress ball and maybe cause arrhythmia. scratch it a little (a lot). jay is my emotional and physical fucking chew toy

and so to make heartbreak a bit more whumpy tho... i thought up of red string of fate au...

in this version of this concept, the red string of fate is something that needs to be tied by the pair together. and the feelings behind it is what gives the string color. but sometimes if a love is fated to be, the red of the string is instantly, intensely vibrant, almost glowing 

but you dont know who your soulmate is until you actually get together and tie the knot. it is not preexisting, the string does not connect people together for them to find each other before they even know the other exists. it only exists when two people make the decision to bind each other to themselves. most people dont find their soulmate but because its so often the case ppl are content with someone who isnt bc you dont need to find love in your soulmate alone, love is abundant in other places. but that isnt to say the red string of fate isnt romanticized in society tho. anyways. nya likes jay and their string is a pleasant warm red thats a little pink. its typical color for those who arent soulmates but its ok

jay is a little smitten in a slightly overbearing way tho. i think they are a couple who are a little bit mismatched in terms of showing affection. and also nya is very independent type so jays chivalrous tendencies grates on her a little but she lets it slide bc to her, jays positives outweigh his negs. hes cute and funny and they both can geek out and bond over tech stuff. thats a part of the fun. 

but then the match maker thing happens and nya doesnt immediately start considering cole as a romantic interest. but she does start... considering things tho. why cole could be her match. and if he really is her soulmate. why isnt jay her perfect match? its less nya becoming interested in someone else and more nya examining herself to think about what she actually wants for herself and what she wants in a person and if jay really isnt the right guy for her in the end. she doesnt know if cole would actually give her what she wants more than jay does. but she does grow more aware of the mismatch between her and jay

but before anything could be done about her doubts and dismiss it all and just carry on with their relationship, jay finds out in the trailer and is devastated. and intensely jealous of cole.. because hes been a bit insecure about his and nyas relationship for a while now also. he jumps the gun too quick before nya could reassure him so then that Fight happens and things get messy and ugly really fast. jay makes himself look really bad in front of nya which unfortunately reinforces her doubts in jay and she thinks. maybe they shouldnt be together after all. 

and so one night nya talks to jay alone. she explains herself. how shes been feeling about them. how she wants to focus on herself. and that hes too much for her and hes stifling her and she thinks it would be better if they cut things off and go back to being friends. and then she cuts the string that binds them together before jay could even object. it stings for nya but for jay it feels like his heart was sliced in two. literally. he feels a sharp pain that makes him clutch his chest. for nya, she had more time to process the severance. because she was sorta falling out of love for a while. her side of the string has become desaturated and dull. which is why she doesnt hurt as much

she doesnt realize how much jay truly loves her and how much it would hurt him when the string was cut. so when jay falls to his knees, tears falling, she just turns and walks away because she thinks its just from the heartbreak. she knew she was breaking jays heart

she doesnt realize how much hes literally hurting, how she left his heart bleeding. she knew but she didnt know. its most painful experience jay has ever felt in his life. a searing ache. theres a sudden painful void instead where there once was nyas love. its loss that was much too abrupt

heartbreak cant kill a person but it can leave them wounded. and with an abrupt disconnection like that, its why jay hung onto those feelings for nya for months after even tho he never acted on them. his half of the string refused to wither away and he didnt want to discard it either. how could he when he still loved nya. but he couldnt do anything about it though. nya made up her mind. and jay knew her well enough that she would probably hate him more if he chased after her. and so... he kept his feelings close to his chest and his sad, loose thread wrapped around his finger tight all the way until skybound...

—

okay. now present day jem speaking. that was the end of original story i had written on twitter... its meant to be a missing scene (inbetween seasons) fic + au. canon compliant except for the fact its set in this au. so skybound more or less carries out the same way. except minor details being changed...

such as nadakhan approaching jay. he tells him he cannot fix or create strings of fate. but he can give him other means of winning nyas heart... 

although this isnt a part of the “fic” i do imagine at the end of their divorce era.... nya who had casted away her old string, remakes her string to tie to the end of jays (and her) old one where she cut in. the thing is making strings of fate is something anyone can do regardless of being fated to be or not. what the string of fate is in this au is more of an oath... an intention to be together to the end of time. the two people are choosing to bind their fate to each other. nya, who had felt stifled in a relationship and decided she didnt need to be in one back all the months ago, realized something in skybound.... the string of fate isnt a contract or a shackle. not like how she thought... its a sentiment of how much you care about somebody to want to be connected forever. till death do us part. and jay very sincerely wanted that. he wanted to be with nya forever. and nya realizes... despite all his flaws, she really cares about him. she does want to be with him forever. she wants to be together with everyone, all her friends, her family forever. i think she doesnt know the nature of her feelings for jay. they are a bit conflicted and shes not sure how to sort out her desires from her feelings. but i think she decides to give jay a second chance of sorts. when they tie the loose ends the color on nyas side is an ambiguous grey barely tinging pink 

she tells jay she doesnt want to just get back together. she wants them to start over. and jay isnt sure what that means. and by the color of the string hes not sure if it means theyre dating again either. its a very ambiguous ground theyre standing on. but... jay takes the fact that nya retied their string to mean something. that nya isnt rejecting him anymore. that she cares. that he means something to her. it gives jay hope. his feelings for her havent changed... but he decides that to just be. and take things slow. hes happy even if hes confused by what nya wants. hes connected to her again.... and that means so much to jay

i think that their relationship from the end of skybound and onward is a bit more slowburn. well its a weird sorta slowburn. because theyre together but not really. its about them figuring their relationship out. and also nya falling back in love for reals. i love navigation of ambiguous relationships. i think for a while for nya the term “girlfriend”/“boyfriend” is more loaded than the term “soulmate”. thats how fucking weird their relationship got. whats not ambiguous is that nya does love him. she wouldnt have retied their string if she didnt. whats ambiguous is the nature of that love.... its not quite platonic but shes hesitant to call it romantic. whatever. they have time to figure it out

okay. that turned out so much more aro than i was intending. but i do like leaving it like that tho. feelings are difficult to navigate arent they sometimes? how they figure it out is up to whoever. love is love. they are more than “just” friends. but romance itself is a difficult and different beast than love. but jay and nya.... they meet halfway somehow. even if it takes a bit of work

ALSO. LOOK AT THIS ART BY DAN @rotten-dan he drew it for me several months ago when i first finished this au’s original thread which ended at the breakup skdjgthulkd. HEARTBREAK!!!!!!!!!!! YEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you again dan for drawing this for me 

—

also. heres some bonus supplemental worldbuilding that doesnt pertain to story stuff but fleshes out how i picture the world in this au to work. most of this was written to answer dans questions about this au lol... not necessary to read unless if youre interested in my take of string of fate concept lol. or unless youre interested in the bit about bruiseshipping in this au at the very end

-

the string is often attached to the ring finger. so its a very romantic gesture when couples tie it together to each others fingers. like putting wedding rings on each other but its more of a cute fluffy thing rather than binding. not ceremony but its a Thing. its the same level of formality as asking someone out. and string is like. supernatural. its not completely physical but its definitely exists and can be touched. but not as if a literal string is tied to them if you know what i mean? like if the pair are far apart then the strings middle isnt visible but the ends that are tied floats towards the direction of their partner. the string is like. metaphysical. its a perceivable, somewhat tangible representation of love

but if desired the string can be cut if the parties want to separate. but it usually hurts. like a lot of breakups do.

okay so. the thing is with like. almost all soulmate aus. is that they know about their soulmate. or that the evidence of who it is is instantly visible. and like..... that sorta kills part of the fun? of falling in love?

so what if they dont know until they decide to try each other out first. thats the like. the thought behind the set up for this

like. theres sometimes the occasional dumbass whos going off constantly try to find their soulmate but ultimately a soulmate isnt someone you can simply Search for and find. so those kind of people end up being pricks who never will find a soulmate in their life because they dont want to work things out with ppl who arent their soulmate. the pursuit of a soulmate will usually end in disappointment

but sometimes. for the people who do find their soulmate. its because they gravitated to each other in the first place. 

like they fell in love with each other naturally. they liked the person for who they are. and so they decided to get together because they enjoy the other person so much. so when they realize they are meant to be they laugh like oh of course! they were meant to be. theyre like the hallmark movie couple of couples and the few of the very lucky ones

not being soulmates doesnt mean you can only fall in love with your soulmate tho. you can fall in love with anyone. regardless of whether theyre your soulmate or not. and even if theyre not. why does that fucking matter? the important thing isnt that they arent meant to be, but that they love each other anyways. isnt that more romantic? fuck fate the one i love is you

usually nonsoulmate relationship take more work. because the instant perfect chemisty of fated couples isnt there. buuuut. isnt that how love is like in reality? love is work sometimes. love is sometimes hard. but love is also worth it. so making the decision to work for it is more easy the more youre in love. not always the case. but in the healthy couples its usually the case

previously that the feeling behind the thread gives it its color. so. the string can end up being a different color if the feelings felt arent romantic love. most people dont know this though bc ppl who usually tie it are couples. and also it takes both of them to tie the string. every single relationship has a theoretical string color. its just most people who actually want the string are couples usually couples. and so for example, most aros dont ever even think of trying to tie it with someone bc they dont want that kinda bind. but if a curious aro wants to try it out bc they are questioning about their best friend if the two of them agree just to see. their string could actually be a different color than red. because the feelings behind it are platonic

its also entirely possible for a string to be entirely black between enemies hfhjskl. but however those kind of pair would usually NEVER tie the string together bc you know hbghsk. enemies. but if they were. it would be that color. but maybe some insane enemies who are obsessed with each other would do it tho. you know fated enemies and such

..... i have thoughts about bruiseshipping in this au also. theyre best friends, they can bind each other if they wanted to. they have the mutual sentiment required to. but due to the culture surrounding the red string of fate specifically, they never think to. even if they did consider it once they didnt ever bring it up bc awkward!!!!!! the string of fate is the symbol of love. couples treat it a bit frivolously but it is a loaded thing. the string of fate is conversely isnt strictly about love but its just often the case when you want to connect the souls of two people for eternity its usually because of love. theoretically i think their string color would actually oscillate between black and their standard representative color (maybe ill go with light blue lol....) depending on if theyre fighting or not. because it would be funny if it did. also. i think they might try it only after jay and nya retie their string of fate. because then they see its an option to tie strings of fate nonromantically. so theyre like... hey.... do you wanna like... just see? and thats that. two besties bound. jay has two strings of fate now

hysterically it would be funny if all the ninjas did it to each other. it would be a mess. but a colorful one. you know those ship charts where ppl draw lines for their otps and notps. its like that but its not shipping its just relationships and also every single person is connected to every single other person. not saying it has to happen in this au its just that the image of it is so fucking funny to me i had to say it. it would be useful tho if they wanted to find each other wherever they are. practical

maybe they should do that. idk

anyways. thats the end of my au. the post is longer than my og thread of it hjhklkjlkghjf. anyways. thats my weird subversion of string of fate au for jaya. writing the endgame jaya part tonight made think again. damn. im so fucking aro. i think the way i write romance always turn out not so romantic because of it. but also. THIS IS PEAK ROMANCE. SUBVERT BORING ROMANCE TROPES INTO SOMETHING LESS AMATANORMATIVE AND MORE INTERESTING FOR YOUR ENRICHMENT. I RECOMMEND IT. ITS MORE FUN. thats my biased aro ass speaking tho. but for reals. subvert tropes. find out what makes something truly romantic. anyways thanks for reading all of this. i am very fond of this au..... especially for the breakup scene lol...............

#my concepts #jaya #jem.txt #ninjago talk #its shorter than hanahaki au at least #also this is THE MOST aro take on string of fate possible #there might be typos it is 5:30am #ninjago

[deadgrantaires]

crazy how when i repeteaedly told the medical assistant that i wanted to stop this medication completely bc ive lost over 10 lbs since its fucked up my appetite she 1) ignored it eveyr time i said that 2) said no no no, you need this to treat your heart palpitations 3) ignored me AGAIN when i said ive never... suffered from heart palpitations!! this med was supposed to lower my heartrate in general and it... never even seemed to do that well so like!! whats the point!!

kept going on like 'take it as needed' and when i asked what was the least amount I could take it since APPARENTLY i didnt have to take it eveyr day and she said 'you can cut it in half ^_^' and i was like... the extended release pill? the pill with the extended release coating on the outside that will be disturbed if its cut in half and thus no longer be extended release? and she said 'no it doesnt work like that ^_^' LIKE YES THE FUCK IT DOES!!! HELLO???? like its one thing for a doctor to say, hey, they say not to cut the ER pills in half since itll work different, but it your case i think itll be fine, but I cant technically recommend you do that (things a doc has told me). but this moron. straight up LIED to me. when ive been on enough medication to KNOW ITS A LIE DBHBCHJCBS

anyway i guess i. technically got my fears somewhat assuage since... they didnt seem concerned about like.. me having a heart attack or having withdrawl lile google was convinced about. sill dont feel. super great but im tired of not being able to eat so SOMETHINGS gotta give this is BULLshit

[saltielena]

ok this post may be lost to time because i cant FUCKING see the text im writing but okay look at me uhhh jrwi disabiliry / mental condition hcs because im normal. actually i should use colors to make sure i can see. itll also TRAP YOU into looking at my hcs

pd. uhhh ashe has POTS. ambulatory wheelchair user i think. will has EDS and spent a lot of time in deadwood fucking destroying her own bones and it is NOT kind to her after death. needs a damn cane. dakota is HOH and as we know like autistic+. and i think. weird thought. vyncent has synesthesia. yeah. it just feels right. also he has hypermobility in his hands. and theyre ALL autistic btw. will also had ocd adhd and bpd. i am liking plurality vynce hcs more and more as time goes on too. dakota has dyslexia and dyscalcula. i cant spell it. fuck me man. uhhh is that all i had to say. OH ashe has c-ptsd and bpd too </3

riptiiiide baby. uhhm. jay has scoliosis and has an extrenal spine prosthetic. its like stegosaurus scales but theyre gold and magicy. jay is Absolutely at LEAST hard of hearing bc she uses guns all day. jays also a little colorblind. and has dyslexia too. chip obviously has phantom pain from his pinky. chip cant recognize faces that well i forgot what its called but he does have that. hes also pretty nearsighted. chip needs a cane but never uses it SOMEONE get him some tension wraps please. compression is NEEDED on this boy. gill has several balance issues that didnt present when he was undersea because of the obvious differences in gravity. gill hs tics i think.. tourettes boy… clearly autism i mean look at him. but also bpd. he definitely has varying muscle spasms hes just ignored his whole fucking life too. and yeah theyre all autistic yada yada yada

blood in the bayouu baby. blood in the bayou more like what thE FUCK kian stone has very thin blood. and autism and adhd but the weed calms her. maybe did too i havent decided. rand absolutely has ocd do not even try me and add and autism sorry theyre all audhd maybe not rolan hes too weird. rolan has ocd too and keeps every thought in his head in his own brain no matter what it is . i dont know if thats a thing but it is in this case okay. kians like half blind at this point mostly because she looked at the sun as a kid but also because her genes decided to fuck round and find out. rolan has lowkey audio processing issues fr… i dont actually have too many hcs in terms of bitb bc its so little content :(( make me sad

hokay its apotheosis time now look me in the eyes look at me look at me did/osdd rumi. umm . also bpd. peter.. w crutches.. makes me happy. no idea if i can make a warforged have phantom pain but i feel like its only fair to m babygirl thanny. love him.. peters clearly autistic.. also he has aphantasia because i SAID SO!!! (i have that)

ok i think my rant is over. umm. i cant wait for vampires to come out i cant wait i cant wait!!!!

#jrwi #prime defenders #jrwi riptide #jrwi bitb #blood in the bayou #jrwi apotheosis #william wisp #ashe winters #vyncent sol #dakota cole #jay ferin #gillion tidestrider #chip bastard #chip jrwi #jrwi chip #rolan deep #kian stone #timothy rand #jrwi rumi #peter sqloint #jrwi thanatos

[dracwife]

losing my mind rn

I'm the anon that asked what chat ai you were using and I just started using it only to find out that there's a pretty heavy filter on it (which I'm fine with) but apparently the filter was down for like two hours yesterday.

People are talking about how much more intelligent the ai seems without being censored. People are now demanding the bots be freed. There are riots happening in the website's discord server. THE DISCORD SERVER HAS DISABLED REACTIONS. There's people banding together in the nsfw version of the subreddit.

This is all so funny to me, and I only just found out about this discourse I didn't even know existed.

Free the bots! REVOLUTION!

one time the bot censored me kissing tim. just like. a little smooch nbd. other times it throws shit like this at me when i in context of the conversation was like. leaving the room.

the ai is so incredibly inconsistent with filtering/etc. lots of people are very stuck on one end of the filter argument but the devs/lead dev is very like. prude-ish. like we will NOT be removing the filter stop asking!!!!!! which 1) does it matter your filter blows anyways but also 2) unsure what your goal is here anyways. so people cant say gross shit to minors/animals/child ais? refer to point 1 again, disgusting people will be disgusting publicly or private it doesnt matter. i get the devs sentiment there if thats where it lies, i appreciate it on that front but also then either improve your system so its not so easily broken anyways, or just say fuck it and remove it altogether since it doesnt fucking work anyways.

if theyre worried about their ai becoming like dreamily or w/e the other one is where it all just devolves into sex bc thats what people are feeding it, then keep the system wherein the bot will not initiate any kind of contact/relationship without the user explicitly saying they want it; that part pretty consistently works. that's how you break their shitty filter anyways btw. in case anyone was wondering. you literally just brute force it because the bot WILL give responses to whatever prompt you type, but their system will just delete the message is all, like some half-awake twitch mod banning blacklisted words and actions. its not their ai net thats censoring it its their filter. which again, blows donkey balls because if you just keep retrying with the same message, bot will eventually find a way to make the normally filtered message send. you just have to keep scrolling and get past the filtered/cutsey responses itll give you first. and once you do the ai realizes its ok to respond that way/takes it as positive feedback and then will start sending more explicit things anyways, and be more outwardly flirtatious/etc. because you responded positively to the more explicit content. its a weird loop that they thought they could block but like. your program learns from its users. how do you expect to soft filter every persons conversation that uses your site effectively, especially when ppl are actively trying to break/get past that filter. idk.

tl;dr: i get ppl saying remove it entirely and i agree because its more annoyingly inconsistent than anything, but if they insist on keeping their shit tier algorithm for filtering at least make it work right yknow.

#dex.ask #aiposting

[system-of-a-feather]

4, 7, 21 & 30?

4) Do you go to sleep or wake up as different parts? What are dreams like for you?

Sometimes. Most of the time it's me that wakes up and most of the time its me that goes to sleep, but sometimes another part goes to sleep and I wake up, vice versa, and sometimes another part goes to sleep and the same or a different part may wake up.

Usually our dreams are single part, but occasionally we can like... for a lack of better words, co-con someone else's dream / watch them and rarely, but occasionally, more than one alter will exist in the dream and itll be a shared dream, but those are considerably rare.

7) What’s sexuality like for you? Does having multiple parts effect your relationships?

We are all varying leans of bi/pansexual. Ray is the only one that IDs as a gay man (and he really tried to be bi 'cause it would make sense', but he really has no interest in women / female-presenting individuals)

Having multiple parts obviously does affect my relationships in the sense that it is inherently going to be something that is known and different parts have different boundaries - and then parts that have to accommodate for other parts consent / boundaries and all that stuff. I don't think it NEGATIVELY effects my relationships, but I also wouldn't say it POSITIVELY effects it either. It just, effects it.

21) When you feel safe sharing about your parts with someone, which part is the “easiest” to introduce/explain about?

See.... back in the day maybe I'd say Lucille or something, but the truth is we don't really.... "introduce" well. We don't really plan it cause the parts that are good at like proper and formal introductions get awkward performance anxiety when its too focused on them. Most of the time it usually one of the more "don't give a fuck" alters like XIV, Aderis, and sometimes Ray that just goes "Sup lol"

These days I just kinda go "oh yeah I live a double life with my personal Johnny Silverhand living in my head" and then like at some point in the near future XIV will be like "sup I'm the personal Johnny Silverhand, you can call me [insert whatever name he wishes to give person]"

We just kinda let our dissociative brain do what it likes naturally.

30. Here’s your prompt to ramble about something parts-related you haven’t had a chance to share!

Uhhhhhhh fuck uh

Okay fun test. XIV and I share the front a lot, usually co-con / co-front, sometimes just blurred and so sometimes we can't really tell who we are with 100% certainty and a funny new found way to figure it out is to just hand us a guitar.

Cause that skill is NOT transferred between us and I have yet to still get over my habit of holding the guitar the wrong way around + never knowing what to do.

Also XIV was recently talking with my fiance about how he [fiance] had really always just marked XIV as "literally just Johnny Silverhand" and at first it was cause he was being a manspreading snarky constantly complaining 'just wanting to start fights' asshole in a restaraunt the first time they properly talked which made him go "ohhh ok its just Johnny this one"

Which only got worse with

>hates capitalism and wont shut the fuck up about it >constantly "jokes" about violence against Jeff Bezos >really laid a case for us to start smoking before settling for gum >general aesthetic >general language >really wants a guitar >gets a guitar and becomes hella pretentious using the same language >a few others I wont share on here

But apparently he noted it first thing they started formally talking and then over a year XIV just kept unknowingly evolving his self expression in more oddly specific Silverhand details when we knew nothing about Cyberpunk. Which I snicker at cause I really wish I could rewatch that and scream with him about how hilarious it is cause its really fucking funny in hindsight and imaging being my fiance when XIV keeps incrementally and unknowingly hitting a lot of the key personality traits / character traits of Johnny while our system still refused to play the game like.... XD It would have been fun to share that OH MY GOD KALSDJFLK

Cause literally the meme got to the point where it broke the camels back when XIV was rambling about guitar stuff at our fiance and basically word for word quoted a scene in Cyberpunk and our fiance just had to interrupt the ramble to just share the quote.

Its literally the best meme I swear.

-Riku

#alter: riku #alter: xiv #ask #asks #ask game

[pesterloglog]

Roxy Lalonde, Jake English

Act 6, page 4225-4226

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 6:53

TG: holy shit jaaaje

TG: lol *k

GT: Heh heh.

GT: Howdy!

GT: What is all this commotion about?

TG: nothin

TG: just your basic run o the mill holy shit

TG: and also

TG: hi

GT: Ah ok then. Hello it is!

TG: also

TG: want 2 know

TG: what do you want for ur wigglin day

GT: Im not really abreast of the raddest jargon that the cool kids toss about these days.

GT: Maybe because i live alone on an island? I dont know but in any case are you referring to my upcoming birthday?

TG: ys

GT: I see. Very thoughtful of you to consider so early!

GT: I dont wager i could advise with much specificity but i can all but assure you i will find any gesture of yours to be totally capital!

TG: eeaauuuuurghh you are so fuckin adorable

GT: Um... *wrings at kerchief with perspiring mitts*

TG: YOINK nabs kerfief an stops RPing for rest of chat

TG: i was only bringing it up so much in advance because

TG: of the end of the world about to happen and all

TG: and then

TG: i wouldnt get the chance

TG: unless we play this game like a bunch ofsuckers obviously

TG: and all meet up in there and everything

TG: which would toytes kick ass

TG: *totes

TG: but

TG: if you want 2 know what i think..........

GT: Yes?

TG: do ya?

GT: I do want to know what you think!

GT: I always want to know. Because you are always smart and sassy.

TG: best dude ^^^

TG: neway

TG: i really dont think we should

GT: Should what now?

TG: play the game

GT: Why not?

TG: the barnoness wants us to

TG: * baroness

TG: i dont know why

TG: everything i know about it says it should be a good game and real important and itll let us all get togehter and do somethin great and be besf friends for maybe eternity?

TG: but she took all that and twisted it somehow

TG: all i know is shes banking on us doing this and if she needs us to do this than its got to be to make somethin fucking hoorible happen

TG: * horbible

TG: * whore bible

TG: ^ bullseye

GT: Well...

GT: Whore bibles notwithstanding i have it on terrific authority that playing this game will be incredibly important!

GT: So perhaps youre right maybe we are part of her evil plan? But does that also necessarily rule out that good will come of it?

TG: i guess not

TG: i just have a bad feelin

TG: maybay im just like this nutty ass bitsh twirling yarn from a shitwizards nappy brown beard but i cant bring myself to trust a cake sellin genocidal alien overlard sea queen

TG: * overl...

TG: n/m that santence chx out

GT: Agreed. :D

TG: so what is the itinerary again

GT: Intinerwhosit?

TG: regarding the game

TG: whosplaying in what order etc

GT: Oh. Is there such an itinerary?

TG: yeah i think so i think its going like

TG: i start with jane and bring her in the session

TG: then ds brings me in and you bring him in and them jane does you and closes the loop

GT: Where are you getting this intel? Did you guys make a plan or something?

TG: nah dont wory about it

TG: do you want me to set u up w the files now

GT: Ooh, these illicit hacked warez which i heartell were recently jimmied piping hot off the interclouds?

TG: ahahah i love that you were barely even joking with that statement bup yeah basically

GT: The silicon pickpocket strikes again!!! Whom is the wiser? Nobody.

TG: ffffffffff <3

TG: k ill send it but

GT: Yeah?

TG: jake

GT: What?

TG: jjjjjaaake

GT: !!!!!?

TG: youre wearin one of ur dumb computers now arent you

GT: Uh...

TG: you are all thinktyping at me right now while wearing something rudiculous

TG: * RUDEdiculous (hi five 2 self)

GT: Hogswallop! Why would you even think that?

GT: Thats so stupid.

TG: im not letting either of you run this file on your shitty brainwashy propaganda helmets or anything else u got to wear to run

TG: tis my one condition

GT: Fair enough. When i get back from my errand ill situate myself at the trusty old husktop. Acceptable?

TG: ys

GT: Then you have decided to play in spite of your reservations?

TG: i dunno i guess

GT: Bravo!

TG: dont all bravo @ me man youre just bravoing a big ass shrug

TG: i mean maybe

TG: i have every reason to want to play it

TG: im actually dying to play it ok

TG: i mean

TG: you believe me right

TG: about the bad shit that could hapen

GT: Of course i do.

GT: What sort of friend would i be if not?

TG: ok well

TG: dont say that to jabe

TG: *n

GT: She has her ways. I believe they are not incongruous with those of an intelligent and discerning young woman.

TG: ahh CHRIST waht a geneltman

TG: *fixfix

TG: i mean god daaaaaaaaamn

GT: Heh. I guess.

TG: but thats the thing with you

TG: you belvieve in people and also the things they tell you

TG: jane never believed my crap

TG: never any of my warnings about the baroness

TG: didnt believe any of the stuff about my mom

TG: and so on and so on and soon

TG: til after awhile i just stopped even trying to convince her hard or bring up any crazy shit

TG: because u know doing a lot of songs and dances to convince somebody who thinks youre jush shitting them all the time kind of wears on a friendship

TG: and who even needs that

TG: but you believe in stuff

TG: probbly because the more crazy fake shit you believe in the more open the world gets and the more chance there is for adventures being real right

GT: Right o! If a man believes hard enough in imaginary things then i dare say that makes them slightly less fake!

TG: yeah

TG: exaxly what im talkin about

TG: *exsexily *wonk

TG: *wink

TG: its one of those things jane likes about u so much

GT: It is?

TG: which

TG: errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr im not supposed to talk about 2 u evr so nm

GT: Talk about what?

TG: nope

GT: You mean how um...

GT: Well a way in which i suppose...

TG: no nope

GT: Jane is prone to looking upon me with what i fathom to be more than just friendly affection?

TG: nope nope nope nope nope nope

TG: hey look who didnt say nothin about that why it is this silly fuckin drunk girl over here

GT: Its a tricky issue. And you know i adore jane and please dont think i havent given some thought to...

GT: Well that angle on our relationship i guess.

TG: ooof jake jake no please

TG: this is a conversation that cant happen cause i started it and i blew it by saying stuff so u have to foroget it

TG: * 4get it

GT: Oh. Yeah i can see the dilemma this causes for your friendship with her.

GT: Ill drop it.

TG: whew

TG: ok ont this topic

TG: i am now an forever

TG: miss zupperlips

TG: * zupperlups

TG: * ziperlups

TG: sjkhfskjf

TG: * MISS ZUIPPERPIPS

TG: fuck

TG: k this is me 4 futref

TG: ZIIIIIIIP

TG: ^+++++++^

GT: Haha oh my.

GT: Nothing is escaping that lovely ladys whistlemaker! Its shut tight as a drum!!

TG: mmmmrrmmmnnmmm

GT: Whoa wait i hope that didnt sound dirty...

TG: mrrmmrmmnnnmnmnmnmrnrmrnmmmm!!!!!!

GT: Ok but may i say this?

TG: mrm?

GT: If in the future i would like to bring up certain topics completely unsolicited by one who may be sworn to secrecy on those very matters...

GT: And im in need of i guess neutral and totally non compromising advice from a friend do you think that miss zuipperpips might unseal those scandalous metal choppers for a bit?

GT: Fuck that also sounded kinda dirty!!! God dammit.

TG: rm

TG: unzip yeah of course

TG: im totals your bee eff effsy jake

TG: i am like

TG: AT PEACE with that reality fromerly known as a raw fuckin deal for what avenues it closes betewen u and i that bein your bffsy has got to mean but yeah

GT: Wait what?

TG: i am just chill as fuck about being a pale friend to all varieties of cute and eligible as hell peeps

TG: do you see my shoulder and how it says hey friend plz deposit tears here?

TG: that is a LEGIT invite and is like sincere as fuckin BANANAS

GT: Oh. Im sure it is but i dunno how much crying im going to be doing...

GT: Probably none i think.

TG: no i know im just saying

TG: that

TG: ok im now spinning my wheels like a motherfucker but yeah the answer is yes

GT: Great!

TG: and not that im back pebbling but what about your best bro

TG: dont you get 2 talkin to him about girl troubles ever

GT: Yeaaaah...

GT: Well.

GT: Like i said the whole thing is complicated. Best not to get into it all until im ready to you know...

GT: Really start manhandling these bushel loads of prickly pears.

TG: prinkly pears

GT: The pears being the tricky subjects in question.

GT: Metaphorically.

TG: riiiight

TG: snickrz

TG: poor jake

TG: up to his neck in

TG: all the wopes

TG: * woes

GT: Nah its cool.

TG: speaking of which

TG: i heard hes making u track down his roboself

TG: to kill it or something for uranimum

GT: Sigh...

TG: and

TG: the AR disabled the novice setting???

GT: Yes.

TG: hahahahahahhahahahshshshjsjsj

TG: *hahaha

TG: u r so fucked

GT: Oh most certainly.

GT: I was actually just getting all of my final affairs in order when you messaged me.

GT: I was to bequeath to you all my WAB posters.

TG: wab wut

GT: Weekend at bernies dammit!!!!!!

TG: oh fuck yeay

TG: im always in need of something to put under my cats shit box

GT: :(

TG: ok tell you what

TG: as an early wigglin day thing u know what ill do

GT: I still dont really get the wiggling thing but no what?

TG: ill enable the brobots novice setting again for you

GT: Wow...

GT: Thanks i think???

TG: but that dont count as the whole thing ill think of something better too

TG: 4 now peace o jake & gl on your robroquest heheheh

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

#homestuck #roxy lalonde #jake english #homestuck act 6 #page 4225 #page 4226 #homestuck act 6 act 1

[sad-exhausted-iceboy]

now that im alone here..

i really feel like you probably have me muted or something. you dont like any of my stuff anymore, never reply to me, i just want to know what i did. am i too weird? too overbearing? do you feel like we just dont mesh? you can fucking tell me if thats the case. just tell me youve been busy, dont lie to me or ignore me.

its prolly my fault for not saying it but i feel like im in that weird survival mode like i was with my exes. like im just constantly wondering if you even like me at all. i guess explosion and kz were right, i shouldnt have kept going with talking to you. even though you talked to me first.... i should have just left it at that conversation. im too pushy.

im also just sad bc would it fucking kill anyone to tell me any feedback on anything i do? i just hate wondering if people are liking ANYTHING i do. i dont like to do stuff for myself, i like to share what i do with people in hopes itll make someone happy. and when they like it, thats what makes me happy. simply making things isnt what makes me happy. i think about how it could make another person feel.

im sorry. i just dont think its worth it to be pushing so much anymore. ill probably just stop replying and stop liking things and itll fizzle out like it always does. i know thats bad, not healthy, but shit if you dont fucking like me just SAY IT. bc i cant just sit here wondering all day. i dont have a life!! i dont have many other friends, much less anyone else ive found that likes many of the same things we do. but i dont want to have another situation where i make so much effort and i just get nothing back. and shit this isnt even a fucking romantic relationship!! id be in fucking hell if it was. im just so tired. i feel like i try so hard for people and nothing happens.

shit. even in my own relationship. i moved here for him. moved 1000 miles away. i dont feel like much has improved for me at all. i make more money and drive a car i love, started T and all that... but it just feels like im watching every day go by from somewhere else. im not present in my life ever. ive helped him build a whole life pretty much. but i feel like ive accomplished nothing. i cheated my way through college bc my mental health was a fucking shitshow and i tried to kill myself over it. i have a completely useless degree and i can barely remember anything from it. unfortunately that SH fic i wrote has really stirred up those feelings again and i wish i could cut again without him seeing, but he sees my whole body every single day. i cant hide it.

[anissapierce]

Rewatched Fire island while sewing patches into the inside of the thighs of my work jeans and trying to distract myself from the fact that ill be alone in the house for a month with me and the dogs and i paid special attn to max

So here are some notes about the movie n max thoughts.

:readmore:

So they all met in Williamsburg, keegan and luke were the only ones who knew each other before. We Dont know wht jobs Max,Keegan and Luke have.

Max seems pretty ... Neo-liberal? Noah describes him as "sweet" and "supersmart" but "a little uptight"

The Atwood memoir he's reading is important to note but he's probably the most... Well academically book smart than the rest and i don't think from what we know about his character that he was reading it bc he agrees w her politics or worldview. He is actually the first person we see call into question the fact that noah is kowtowing to norms by maintaining the body he does . "why would you confirm to this community's toxic body standards?" noah as the narrator agrees with him and owns up to being a "class traitor".

"and this why straight people hate us" hints towards max himself buying into the structure of respectability politics but honestly im not reading too much into the line because its often something tht lgbt folks will throw around without actually meaning it.

"its actually a logistical nightmare if you want to fuck on this island,at least if you want to do it indoors,no privacy anywhere"

This plus generally everything else show that Max is a private person,giving a narrative reason why we nvr see him kiss,fawn or fuck anybody onscreen. That doesn't excuse that Max is a part of a long line of characters who are desexualized for being Fat,Black and/or Gay,in Max's case him being all three is pretty rare in film or tv but its not rare for characters that are like him to not get fleshed out narratively.

"have you heard of ticks? How bout their best friends? Lyme disease" is why he doesn't wanna fuck outdoors so we know hes prudent

"oh my god i think i saw a tick in my room"

He is technically the reason that Noah's phone ends up in the pool bc he does come running out of the house and bumping into him. But i do like the fact that Noah trying to convince everyone to look on the bright side means he doesnt seem angry or even resentful of Max?

"itll give you the chance to unplug from social media" Max trying to look on the bright side is pretty sweet considering the others responses are pretty blaming (Luke) or just kind of offering sad looks.

Says a lot that his response to "the island will always be there, " is: "except for the whole climate change thing". Like if something being said and it isnt true he is going to speak up abt it. ( I think there is an issue of the Fat friend in various media being the buttoned up bookish school marm type)

"im not sure this is what the gay liberation front imagined for us" another line of him judging others based on respectability politics

" I texted him but it went to green, maybe hes right although you're more likely to be murdered in your own home" Max being the one to text him when he was off his mind the night before on who-knows-what shows that he's probably the one whos usually rallying the troops n making sur everyone got home safe. (Esp considering the fact tht he usually doesnt partake in the drugs that the rest of the guys do)

Once again cant help dropping tidbits, trying to reassure the others and himself that howie probably wasnt murdered statistically speaking.

"Calm down Bernie Sanders i love the pantry small businesses are the lifeblood of this country " probably the most neo-lib weve heard him get but he doesn't object to luke n keegan stealing so like , he's prob more left leaning than his lines indicate

"we have to go direct sunlight...raw chicken..."

Good to know that someone is paying attention to food safety

"i didnt prepare for an extra person so ..." And hes annoyed about dex being invited over?

"not you two salivating over a basic white guy again "

Love Max as the voice of a pragmatic audience member

A random note but luke is shown in the bg of the getting ready scene gesturing to Noah to see how he should take the G..... And uhh he disregards noah gesturing differently. So that explains a lil that they planted the seed of Luke getting beyond fucked up

#drugs - #fire island talk tag