#but my behavior is weird i guess :(

[qtubbo]

Honestly I don’t understand the stigma against complaining, “doomposting”, and all sorts of negative things, cause like what’s wrong with feeling negative. If someone’s tagging right, then whats the point on making a big post saying how there’s too much negativity or people are taking things too seriously. Block who you want, whenever you want, people aren’t going to be happy fun times all the time. Especially at a time like this, when it’s much easier to get set off by small things, I know people sometimes just want a break from the negativity but it’s your job not everyone else’s. It gets especially rude when you’re telling people to stop “doomposting”, about an entire language being left out and ignored. Why shouldn’t the french audience riot, act like this is the end, they got treated terribly and like they never even mattered at all. If you don’t want to see it just block some tags.

#Neg #discourse #qsmpblr #qsmp admin situation #I guess I have a weird perception of negativity but i’ve always reckoned it’s my job to control how much negative stuff I see #And the stuff that should be called out are bigotted behavior not a mildly upset fan or someone being very reasonably angry about a situion

[compacflt]

hi!! very excited about your next batch! but i was wondering if you ever think of posting some of the (wonderful) female!mav scenes you wrote (the question mark on my computer decided to stop working but this is indeed a question)

have a great weekend!!

yeah sure! again— this isn’t finished and never will be finished, I posted the reasons below. But here are a bunch of snippets from the fem!mav/lesbian charliemav AU from this summer. Would love to hear your thoughts, because politically it gave me some pause! lol.

1. On how mav survives (the central motif of the one-shot is Mav cutting her hair with scissors which is why the emphasis here)

2. On ice (straight icemav will never work because fundamentally ice is a misogynistic cunt)

3. on sex with girly girls (one of life’s greatest pleasures)

ehhh you get the picture of what’s under the cut

4. on charliemav

5. on charlie

7. The end (post Layton mission [mav proving herself by saving ice’s life] and the end of TG86, Mav gearing up to cut her hair again in Charlie’s house)

and here, copy-pasted, were the tags i planned to affix to the charliemav one-shot, which I think explain also why I stopped writing it—maverick is insanely out of character here!

“some discussion of issues that would affect a female pilot in the 1980s in this one: SA, sexism, etc. u have been warned / i would love to talk to anyone about the politics of this one cause hoo boy i had to think about it / it’s a little personal to me too / i wouldn’t necessarily say i struggle with my gender identity but i do have a really complicated relationship with it / i think this mav is incredibly out of character / it turns out mav’s thoughtless overperformance of masculinity is so ingrained into his character that / if you make it intentional he/she turns into an entirely different character. / i often struggle with writing maverick way way too bitter (there’s something very gentle about tgm mav I struggle replicating) / & this is a VERY bitter & cynical & calculating mav as well. she has to be. But i fear i lose some of mav’s original character in the cynicism. 🤷🏽‍♀️ / that’s why i struggle writing AUs—you lose so much of the original characters who are DEFINED by the stories they’re from / if that makes sense. / i think a female maverick isn’t maverick. / you might as well be writing original fiction at that point. / this 1 shot is pretty much just original fiction. / idk would love to hear ppls thoughts on the fandom philosophy behind AUs / something i would love to think about more / top gun fanfiction / charlotte charlie Blackwood / pete maverick mitchell / Tom iceman kazansky/ nick goose bradshaw / genderbent top gun / charliemav / in this universe mav and Charlie break up and mav gets back together with Penny according to the tgm timeline btw / TGM mav might as well be a lesbian like nothing really has to change in the script at all. / post 2010 tom cruise just gives lesbian. no change necessary / soundtrack for this one is ‘I have a woman inside my soul’ by yoko ono”

I also stopped writing this one because I could not for the life of me figure out how to write goose, canonically a sexist just like mav and ice. made things difficult and a little awkward

#pete maverick mitchell #tom iceman kazansky #charlotte charlie blackwood #top gun #asks #oh boy lesbian charliemav though. whoa. 🥰 #would’ve been great if I could’ve pulled it off 🥲 #basically the plot of this one was maverick dealing first & foremost with her femininity #she’s not trans BUT she hates womanhood. if that makes sense. because womanhood makes people discount her #as a pilot in the manly manly naval aviator program. #her womanhood functions the same as ‘fatherly dishonor’ in the original movie. makes people discount her/him as a pilot. #so she toxically replicates the behaviors of the men around her to make her less attractive to them and less of a target #but then with the Layton mission she proves herself #and actually bests iceman (who is super butthurt about it bc woman beat him but they maintain respect) #and Charlie encourages mav to start growing her hair out etc. engaging more with her femininity now she’s proven herself. #politically a little weird! #not butch by choice i guess? which felt anachronistic if that makes sense #but fun nonetheless #charliemav #I have never seen GI Jane but this seems a lot like that based on my limited knowledge of it tbh #think i relate to mav too much in this one. #I’d like to be taken seriously as a Writer not a woman writer. so i write about men to be taken seriously as a Writer not as a woman writer #feels a lot like mav in this one

[daisywords]

as someone who was raised with a comparatively healthy mindset around food, I keep being baffled/concerned by other people’s eating practices that they’ll just drop like it’s no big deal. “I’m doing this intermittent fasting thing where I only eat one meal a day” girl if your one meal is the salad you eat every day for lunch I’m. that’s eating disorder behavior. and they talk about this stuff like it’s normal! “I’m trying out this new meal plan where—“ oh a starvation diet? You’re starving yourself?

#anyway spending time with a couple of my coworkers especially is making me dig in my heels #I’m eating three square meals a day! And I’m not budging on that! And I’m not going to be embarrassed about it! #Bc the worst thing is like. would I like to lose 20 pounds? Admittedly yeah #But idk I don’t think that’s the right way to do it! #Not that I am a paragon of physical fitness or anything but like! That’s literally unhealthy you are wrecking your metabolism probably #I would rather be a little squishy then live in this weird alternate universe where people are supposed to be on a diet by default!!! #and idk when girl that are already small are putting themselves through this and getting noticeably smaller it’s like #ok good for you I guess but is it worth it? #mostly writing this to reassure myself because it’s hard not to feel like I’m the one that’s wrong #idk if you feel like you need to lose weight logically you must think I’m some sort of beast or something #like I thought I was normal but maybe not haha #But anyway I hate how we just slapped new jargon on eating disorder behavior so we can talk #About it like its a health trend and something normal to do

[thepoisonroom]

kinda realizing that it was maybe bad for me that i spent so long dating someone who fundamentally looked down on me and treated me like i was too silly and irresponsible and fucked in the head to make my own decisions

#remembering i tried to break up with my ex bc i was desperately unhappy and lonely with them #and they just shut down the conversation and disparaged me for 'making everything into a big production for no reason' #only to dump me a few weeks later #like they didn't even respect me enough to permit me to end the relationship because they fundamentally didn't think of me as an equal #i feel so insane sometimes in my current relationship because i'm like oh you're literally going to respect my autonomy right now? #you're going to treat me like an equal partner and respect my right to want and feel and need different things than you do????? #and then i have to be like that's literally regular behavior why am i so impressed by it #personal nonsense #it's so weird having good interpersonal relationships and just being constantly reminded of how bad previous ones were #but that's how it works i guess #backdraft city here

[nicadilly]

Edit: tfw when u create a fair amount of fanart for the author and commish a 40$ fic only to be mistreated and never get ur money back lol. Got a refund :) Wish the emotional anguish thing never happened but ill heal. They also gaslight on the reg so keep that in mind. if someone told me back in January 2022 i would become an amogus fan/simp for MEN i would laugh. YET HERE WE ARE.

Some of the main characters from @crinklytinfoil ‘s series that is currently causing severe brainrot. @krysmcscience is to blame bcs if it were not for their fanart i wouldnt know abt the fic oops... (also it is a dead dove fic so check it out at your own discretion!)

OH almost forgot about my obligatory “THIS IS NOT THE ARCANA???”

#only doing the edit bcs theyre doing some weird petty erasure of history on their fic notes lol #GUESS my aus werent that bad if ur keeping the latte fic up but deleted my arcana commissions :P #its your broken au now lol #also AFAIK author stomped on my drawings #self admitted info lol #so clearly questionable respect for other creatives #not to mention other ways it manifested #textbook narcissism @ crinkle #and krys is just a delusional dumbass and a homewrecker thats all #crinkle himself said krys never grew out of high school and yeah it shows #unmanaged behavior from what ive heard #among us #among us game #imposter #aliens #tentacles #creepy #stop lookin at me with your big ole eye... #bet u cant guess who is my fave #I do have some old arc/ana posts to upload #but i dont have time to do it atm so maybe in two weeks? if uni allows it #val/erius reverse vo/re... #innersloth #body horror #terato #alien #ao3 #archive of our own #the best laid plans of crewmates and imposters #a penny for your sus

[blujayonthewing]

I don't mind being treated like a weirdo when I'm being weird but is there anything worse than spending your whole life constantly running into moments where you thought you were being perfectly normal, you thought you were acting like everyone else, maybe you even were objectively acting just like everyone else, but whatever you said or did makes everyone stop and stare at you exactly like this

#sorry. I guess. #the good news is that sometimes you realize that 'friend' was kind of a shitty person so who cares about her being a judgy bitch #and sometimes that (different) friend acts like you're a little freak (affectionate) for eating pickle spears by themselves-- #when you know perfectly well that that is extremely how you are supposed to eat them and SHE'S being weird-- #so maybe when she looks at you tearily like the Specialist Little Guy In The Whole World for... bringing snacks to game night... #you can remember that her metric for Freak Behavior (good or bad) is more than a little weird itself #the bad news is that I don't know that 'something about me makes people act like I'm being a freak even when I'm literally not' is... bette #like... I can find Reasons behind Specific Situations but that doesn't stop this from being a pattern across my entire life #I dunno. I'm kind of a weird person sometimes I guess but apparently I can't even be normal if I try #I can't even be normal by doing exactly what other normal people are doing. somehow #something about me sets me apart and it flavors everything I do and there's nothing I can do about it #fine. whatever #about me

[smol-blue-bird]

I hate when you have a nagging feeling that everyone around you hates you and thinks you're cringe, and you have no idea why because you haven't done anything to offend them or anything, but you can just TELL that they don't like you. and then it turns out to be true

#I keep getting vibes that my roommates just resent me and don't want me around #I was randomly paired up with them and they all know each other but I don't know any of them #and they wanted my room to go to a different girl but that's just not how the college ended up assigning them #and I've been trying to be super quiet and courteous etc etc etc but they've been super standoffish and rude since day one #and I just found out that one of them lodged a complaint against me for not doing my dishes on time?? #which I guess would make sense if I was like. letting a pile of dishes sit for days #but the worst I ever do is leave one or maybe two bowls/mugs in the sink because I can't get to them right away #which I feel is normal right??? like that's not weird behavior!!! right??? #I'm talking like. hours here. not days. #which is NORMAL RIGHT???? #but she FILED A COMPLAINT ABOUT IT AND DIDN'T EVEN TALK TO ME. ????? #anyway I'm upset because it sucks when I enter my own apartment at the end of the day and there's just huge Get The Fuck Out energy #radiating from every corner

[neversetyoufree]

I've been thinking a bit about why Noé resonates so much with me as an ace person, and I'm realizing that, in addition to the depiction of his actual romantic relationships/attraction, the way that Noé fits into Vnc's erotic blood drinking symbolism is extremely familiar.

Overall, when someone in VnC gets their blood drunk consensually, it tends to be portrayed as part of a sexual relationship. Vanitas, for example, is attracted to Jeanne, and one part of that attraction is that he wants her to drink his blood. The blood drinking itself feels good, and he enjoys it, but his desire to be bit is not the entirety of their relationship, and Jeanne's eventual attraction to him is much the same. She likes drinking his blood, but she also pretty explicitly says she wants to sleep with him. It's a part of the whole.

Or, to give a non-VaniJeanne example, when Veronica starts going into detail about her "fling" with Marquis Machina, Domi refers to it as Veronica talking about "her sex life." So while we don't see everything she says about the encounter, I think the fact of the joking censorship itself implies that Veronica's describing something more graphic than the blood drinking we do see in other scenes. Beyond the blood drinking itself and how it feels, the broader context of the act is portrayed as sexual (and often part of a sexual relationship).

And then we have Noé.

Unlike almost everyone else in the series, when Noé talks about his desire to drink blood, it is completely abstracted out of its sexual context. When he gets The Blood Talk from his teacher, he says that he likes drinking blood because it tastes good, and though he's grown into an adult since that point, his reasoning doesn't seem to have changed. The implications of Louis's "sweet talk" suggestion (you have to charm/seduce someone before they'll let you do this physical thing with them) go completely over his head even in the present.

Furthermore, when he does drink Domi's blood, he does so completely without the further sexual context shown elsewhere. Mochijun does not shy away from showing us when characters are attracted to one another (even when they're not couples), and though Noé's perhaps a bit more complicated, since we know he struggles to identify/understand the feelings of attraction he does have, it is never once suggested that he finds Dominique attractive.

Noé enjoys an act that is objectively a bit sexual (given the physical acts/sensations involved), and that clearly has an erotic context for others who do it, but he enjoys it for more or less non-sexual reasons. He's interested in something erotic because he enjoys the physical act (the taste) of it, and probably also the general closeness/connection, but he shows no sexual attraction to his partner.

And let me tell you, for more sex-favorable ace people, that whole previous paragraph has to sound pretty familiar. Because while blood drinking doesn't work as a 1:1 parallel to real world sex, given that actual sex also exists as a separate but related option for Vnc characters, "engaging in sex-acts without the need for sexual attraction" is just. what ace people do. And so to people familiar with that experience, Noé's whole weirdly non-sexual relationship to blood starts to feel extremely ace-coded.

Even with Vanitas, I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that Noé's relationship to wanting Vani's blood also really resonates with how some ace people do experience attraction. Because again, we're never given any particular indication that Noé finds Vanitas sexually attractive, or even particularly good looking. Even accounting for the fact that queer-coding might have to be subtler or the fact that Noé's bad at recognizing his feelings, it's just not there. I'd even argue that there's better evidence of Vanitas finding Noé attractive than vice versa.

Yet, despite all that, Noé really wants Vanitas's blood. Not only that, but he wants Vanitas's blood in a way that is inextricably tied to his desire to understand him as a person. He wants him because his blood smells good, and also because he wants to see his memories, and this intense desire for physical intimacy and understanding (completely absent of sexual attraction) works really well as a metaphor for what attraction can feel like as an ace person. The metaphor, again, isn't 1:1, and it doesn't apply to every kind of ace experience, but still. Here's a character who wants to do something erotic with someone he's not sexually attracted to, and he wants to do it because 1: he thinks he'll enjoy the physical act, and 2: he thinks it'll further his relationship with/help him better understand the other person involved.

That is a really good representation of why some ace people are drawn to sex within romantic relationships.

And while in any other case I'd insist that suggesting Mochijun's queercoding is an accident is a bit insulting, I honestly have no idea what to make of this. I have no clue how known/visible asexuality is among people in Japan, but I know that in my own experience with American media, intentionally ace-coded characters are incredibly rare, so I struggle to think that I might be so lucky as to find one in shonen manga of all places. At the same time though, vnc is a series filled with a lot of different kinds of queer coding (and occasionally straight-up queerness), so if anyone was going to do it, I suppose it would be Mochijun.

But intentional or not, it's really striking to me just how well Noé's relationship to blood works as a metaphor for being interested in sexual acts as an asexual person, which I think is why so many of us end up reading him and saying "hey same." Even if you don't sit down to unpack all the symbolism, his experience is just. familiar.

#and that's not even getting into the more general queercoding of his archiviste status #and the way that he's been made to feel deviant and ashamed because of it #but that's a topic for another day #also yes this brain spiral was prompted by that stupid 'secret third thing' post I made the other day #sometimes shitposts lead to revelations I guess #vnc #vanitas no carte #the case study of vanitas #the ace agenda #noé archiviste #noé archiviste my beloved #english major hours #oh and side note: I don't bring up Jean-Jacques and Chloé in this post bc their relationship is also kinda weird and mold breaking #given the fact that they've been locked alone together in a castle for like 100 years #and the fact that they don't know any other vampires ('cept for Chloé briefly in the past) and know almost nothing about vampire society #and the fact that both of them pull noncon stuff on noé #I do not think they work as a reference point for standard vampire behavior lmao #Noé arqueueviste

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#yet again i fail to convince my counselor i have executive function problems. mostly its bc i dont think well in the moment but also i just #feel kinda weird rn so i was having trouble making my thoughts connect. but i swear to christ i do have problems making my executives #function. i think the issue is im a grad student so i do well in school. not that it matters bc i kno loads of grad students with pretty #god awful adhd. one of my former lab mates was like. Adderall barely made her normal. and yet she was still a phd student #so like. its possible to have executive function issues as a grad student. the problem with me is the obsessive thoughts and self #destructive behavior so to her it sounds like im telling myself that i cant get my brain to work unless i put myself under extreme pressure #rather than i cant get my brain to work so to cope im putting myself under extreme pressure bc if i dont nothing gets done #but like fucking if i try to relax i dont do things. i cant clean my kitchen or my room or take out the trash or do my laundry #and im not like not doing it bc i dont wanna. these things r causing me active distress but i cant flip the switch that makes them happen #ive gotta write a grant proposal. read a paper. and find a paper to discuss by tomorrow morning. i had time to do all of this before but i #didnt do it. y didnt i do it? fucking i dont kno. ugh. whatever. i got refered to a psychiatrist so well see what happens there #i did accidentally set the meeting to when i meet with my advisor tho. oops. also my counselor said it sounds like im a rat running on a #wheel. which is accurate but also a really fucking funny thing to have said abt u. ur r a scrawny neglected lil rat. boohoo. #idk what type of medication she thinks i should b on. like what symptom r we trying to exhaust? the 0cd or the mood issues? #i dont even kno what the issue is. not that i guess it matters. idk. i need to read and write. fucking hell #unrelated

[gundam-jones]

Came to the realization that I’m not feeling shame about liking women as a bi person. The shame has dissipated, I’m so happy

#my ex was weird abt me showing attraction to other ppl. or women #because he said he didn’t look like them #but it was totally ok for him to thirst after muscle men I guess #double standards and crazy biphobia or smth #guy who made me feel ashamed to be bi and polyamorous #shithead behavior #personal

[miercolaes]

fancy tags are making me sad so as of rn, everything will be simpler. i just want to write and for some reason i always create smth that just's sucking the enjoyment with a biodegradable straw. until i find smth easier to tag that doesn't make the brain juice sad, i'll only tag the user.

#♱ vero stfu. #brain juice is now happy and thinking thoughts enough for me to respond to some stuff #also TRIGGER WARNING RANT AHEAD #irl i am always first to approach guys to talk about classes and whatnot #and today i was reminded why #the two girls i asked if the seat was taken said that it was (even though the seats ended up not occupied) #and there's this girl who has some health issues whom i offered to sit beside me since i was in front row #it's safe to say she walked away took a chair and stood like in the middle of the room #just so she wouldn't sit beside me #and whenever i try to talk to someone they look at me weird and dont say a word until i go away #at first i thought it was just inside my head the chronic anxiety and whatnot #but boy oh boy am i beginning to think i wasn't imagining things #a guy did sit with me and i could share my bad jokes so it wasn't exactly one of those days i dont say a word to anyone #but idk it just makes me second guess maybe smth is wrong with me #is this normal adult behavior im learning only after two decades???

[domesticmail]

.

#will be breaking up with my boyfriend soon because this situation is straight-up untenable #and then i guess i'll be moving! #i feel so weird and unhappy but ultimately i think i'll be happier alone #working on myself alone #working on my life alone #because he is just. not conducive to any of it #he rightfully pointed out that i have flaws i need to fix but he also #goes on screaming tirades and ignores me for days #so i feel like ultimately i am justified in leaving. #i know i have issues and i need to work on them and I AM! #if that isn't enough for him that's okay #but it's not okay to oscillate between screaming at me and giving me the silent treatment #i mean my god. #this is not a relationship. #this is me letting myself get berated #and then disrespected #and tbf i've allowed this behavior for two years so he is not entirely to blame #i have had many chances to leave and i've always discarded them because i thought we could work it out #but yeah i've reached the point where i don't think it's work-out-able #i mean he straight up told me our relationship is not important to him and that i'm not important to him #i don't understand how that could possibly be a GOOD thing in a relationship #and i'm honestly a little saddened that i let myself think that was okay for so long #i may have flaws but i'm not abusive or manipulative. i'm just lazy #but i take care of my responsibilities too. #so ultimately i'm just not okay #i'm not okay with any of this and i'm finally okay saying that #it doesn't make him or i bad people #it means we're not compatible and probably haven't been for a long time #i am unhappy here #he is unhappy here

[greyias]

A Very Important Arlo Update

An update on yesterday's post about my latest intense hyperfixation, My Time at Portia.

After several days of helping him train for his attempt to join the best adventurer's guild ever, and then another round of public combat in the streets where I once again wiped the floor with him despite being several levels lower:

He immediately asked me out on a buddy date right afterwards. And the next day was like "oh hahahahayouwannabemygirlfriend okaysurehahahaha" .Apparently the key to this man's heart is kicking his ass? Who knew. So I decided to hug it out in celebration:

But um...

Somehow doing this.

Broke the game? Or Arlo? Or both. Because now the man that tried to sneak a birthday present on her doorstep at 7am just to avoid a conversation is just. There. Following her. Forever. To her workshop. Beyond. He decided to cancel their date to the haunted house, but kept on following. And when I would talk to him, he'd keep saying that if I was heading to the "danger ruins" to bring him along (actually they're called the "hazardous ruins" by everyone else in the game and in the actual text, but apparently his voice actor went rogue). And after several in-game hours of trying to get him to go back to his own job, I decided to take him there.

What if we kissed hugged... in the danger ruins? 😳

So now their first unofficial date, because he wouldn't go home (I tried, I escorted him to his bed but he decided he didn't wanna like a toddler), was to go spelunking in the old ruins beating up monsters. Also he died while fighting the boss, leaving me at the mercy and dwindling health while I desperately tried to finish the job. Somehow this seems appropriate and on brand for my experience.

Anyway this is apparently her life now. Or at least it is until I hard quit the game, because Google says that's the way to fix this bug. On the bright side, his help does make clearing out the dungeons go quicker. And this is objectively hilarious.

#grey breaks the game #just arlo things #look #i don't THINK the game designers INTENDED for arlo to have this behavior #the bizarre timing of him going gaga over the pc right after kicking his ass #or the weird shy birthday gift thing #or even the weird stalker boyfriend behavior #but you know what #headcanon accepted i guess #i expected to somehow encounter a bug with his romance #but i thought it would be the one where he decided to have a secret affair #not uh #this clingy thing #it's cracking me up tho #and i might as well have him help me clear out the last level in the sewers so i get the sweet weapon drop #i was laughing so hard i was crying #when i went to bed #and woke up and he was still there #watching #ALWAYS WATCHING #mtap #mtap arlo #my time at portia #grey's my time tag

[beast-feast]

I will hold onto you until we're both bleeding from our nails digging into one another. I am too afraid to lose you. I am too afraid to be seen, to be misunderstood. Don't you feel the same way? Aren't you afraid too?

I will bear my teeth towards anyone that threatens our integrity. I will be my worst self.

#eghhghhh feeling weird rn but it's a borderline thing i guess #i hate talking about it if i can be so fucking real. not because its the Bad Evil Disorder but because it #gives an explanation for my thought patterns ans behaviors. i dont want an explanation i just want people to think I'm an asshole #and its easier for people to think I'm just some clingy obsessed freakazoid like how it was in middle school #than have to explain my 19 years of trauma and abuse and what went wrong to make me traumatize and abuse others #but oh well. becoming so protective over projecting my mental illness onto fictional characters to the point of hostility at the mere IDEA #of something happening. whatever it may be. it is then. that's what I'm stuck with #vent art #i guess ??? #I'm just mostly word vomiting honestly and getting thoughts out. and now I'm going to bed i rearranged my room and now I'm TIRED