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puzzled-pegasus · 3 months

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Heroes of Olympus---fitness/body related hcs

***Idk if anyone would even plan on it but Please do not comment or tag this as anything sexual as it is not meant like that in any way whatsoever***

Percy

Everyone lost some weight on the big Argo II voyage due to stress and all the fighting and everything, Percy is no exception.

In general, though, he is still leaner than Jason and has slightly less upper body/ pectoral strength than he does.

However, he has THE fucking core strength ever

Unless he's been really, really exerting himself he normally has a cushion of belly fat over his abs but if you feel his abs they're wow so strong

Also bunch of shoulder strength, he does lots of climbing

He honestly needs some squish especially in scenes set After Gaea’s defeat. One of the reasons im writing these hcs is that I hate the fanarts that give the demigods six or eight pack abs and 0 body fat like?? Have u ever seen a 16-17 year old boy with chiseled abs. Especially one that eats like mr Jackson. His mother is feeding him good on seven layer dip and cheeseburgers and cookies and blue candy and he drinks blue cherry Coke and eats his fill of barbecue every day at camp you Cannot tell me he has no body fat arrgggh

He probably looked like that while he was in Tartarus though bc he was probably really dehydrated and exhausted lmaoo

V good sense of balance and coordination

Jason

Jason’s got more strength in his arms/shoulders/upper body than anything else

Big arm and chest muscles

Also naturally has belly--when he's not worried abt food--but he tends to stand taller so you can't see it as much

Probably lost the most weight on the voyage. Too busy making sure everyone else was okay and also healing from his various injuries. He also had to be absolutely sure there was enough food for everyone else so he was worried abt taking too much

Generally spends more time exercising and has hardly ever seen a junk food in his life and eats a lot of protein bc hes always lived at camp jupiter so he's very muscle

Piper

Piper didn't really start exercising until she came to camp so she's probably the least physically strong in comparison

More squish than Annabeth. Carries fat in hips and thighs and belly

Thinks/feels like she's fat and low key worries abt it

Was only mildly disappointed when she started demigod training and her belly didn't instantly disappear lol

Kind of jealous of how Annabeth is so thin and athletic but Annabeth wishes she had Pipers thighs/boob/curves loll the curse of being a woman

Piper also feels like she has baby face compared to Annabeth bc she has chubbier cheeks and it annoys her

She's got a pretty good sense of balance tho

Pretty good at running fast but she doesn't have as much stamina as Annabeth

Shes quite flexible also

Pretty good swimmer

Annabeth

Naturally quite thin

been training her whole life so she's got strong arms and legs and core

Really good at running and sprinting

Very agile too

Core strength and upper body strength

Great at dodging attacks, less good at blocking

Tallest of the girlies

Climber shoulders/back muscles

Wishes she had Piper’s curves kinda. She doesn't care all that much but occasionally is like damn wouldn't that be nice

Frank

Arrgh I hate how in the middle of the series Rick took away all of his fat. Screw you sir. Put it back. Put it bacK

So Frank Immediately gets his tum back in the span of a few weeks

He's also really tired for the next however long after the Mars boy magic adrenaline wears off bc where's his fuel??? Gone!!

Very good at Lifting stuff. He had to carry stuffs for his grandma all the time bc she was old

Mostly strong in the arms and chest/pectorals

His growth spurt happened real quick so he's still not used to how big he is which is why he's all clumsy

Needs to work on balance and coordination lol

Although he got most of his chub back, his Babyface™ didn't come back quite so strong

Hazel

Hazel is the shortest girlie

Was really thin back in the 40s and then gained quite a bit soon after she came back to life. She was very confused and probably horrified

This was bc of a combination of having a growth spurt, pressure on little girls to be thin back then and the times having changed now, having enough to eat now, and changes in the amounts of additives and high fructose corn syrup and shit in foods

She was really distraught for a while bc much like Nico’s internal conflict with The Gay, decades ago being chubby was an unforgivable sin for a little girl

Obv not to Nico’s extent bc I don't think people were killed for being fat but still

It takes her a while to see it as not a bad thing but just a thing

She has pretty evenly distributed muscle strength because when she started exercise at camp jupiter they worked All The Groups

Leo

We love our tiny little shrimp man

He didn't get enough to eat during his growth spurt so he's kind of stunted

Even though he's a hephaestus boy he could not for the life of him build a lot of muscle

He's not that strong

He's probably pretty flexible though

Nico

Also stunted because he didn't eat enough in his growth spurt

Pretty strong though

Smol but he is still growing

Is getting taller and will almost definitely surpass Leo

Also is slowly gaining a healthy amount of weight as he stays at camp and Will makes him eat and sleep more regularly and now he's less tired all the time

Pretty good core strength and balance and agility

Looks more his child age now that his cheeks are more filled in

Reyna

Buff Girl

Girlie works out when shes stressed and now she's got muscles like steel cables

Im talking arms, shoulders, core, legs, glutes

Can arm wrestle Jason and win even if he does try his darnedest

Incredible sprinter

Does so many squats that she got the whole bakery lol

Really likes her muscles

Flexes in the mirror

Jason expressed to her how impressive it was a few times and it was partially why she fell in love with him lol

Will

Will has pretty good arm muscles actually and can lift heavy stuffs

Can lift his bf easily

He has a soft tum tho and padding on his arms

Does yoga and stretching and that works his core

Soft

Eats good proteins and veggies and gets good sleeps

Healthy boi 10/10

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sterekchub · 10 months

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Big fat baby daddy Derek. Go!

Another one that I can’t decide

1) the loving, caring Derek who wants a family and finds outs he’s pregnant but doesn’t want to tell Stiles right when he’s graduated top of his class and has a great job with the FBI. So he doesn’t say anything- and stress eats the entire pregnancy, has baby books piled up to the ceiling, and researches the safest cribs and stupid mom-van car to drive bc what if the baby is human?? He looks pregnant with triplets by the time Eli is born from the stress (and as soon as Melissa sees little Eli- she knows a Stilinski when she sees one, and calls Stiles giving him an earful)

Stiles flies back and sees Derek with a sleeping baby in one hand, sandwich in the other, belly peeking out of his T-shirt and quits his job that day to come back and live with Derek.

Derek who he knows has always wanted a big family- had even bought a house with so many extra bedrooms despite thinking it would be him and Eli against the world. But Stiles is- game for as many babies as Derek wants. Big family? He’s gonna breed Derek so good and make sure he’s always well fed and swollen with pups

(But - always my downfall with daddy!Derek is that he adores his kids and he might put on a lot of baby weight- but he still does his best to keep up with them playing. Might be so wide and heavy he needs a scooter to keep up on the family vacations- but he’s not gonna give in and get too bed bound yet. Maybe stops after 6-8 kids..)

2) umm and then just solid kink. (And one inspired by a friend on discord whose also happy to talk biiiig preg Derek 😄) Derek who just desperately loves feeling hugeeee and filled and stretched- but knows his life goal is to just get….too big to keep up with kids. But what better than a supernatural surrogate? Giants who can’t convince? Derek struggles to move around with the 50lb baby he’s carrying but he can’t stop obsessing over how big his appetite is and how it looks like he’s strapped to a hot air balloon. The cluster of pixie babies fluttering in his stomach. The water siren pregnancy where Derek gains 30 pounds from soda weight alone and he’s audibly sloshing around as he walks. The demon baby who has Derek gobbling Tums and eating foods so spicy Stiles doesn’t kiss him or his own eyes start to water…

….and no just Stiles promising that he’s going to make Derek so fat - they’re going to need a hoist if he wants to get pregnant again….or Derek who at any given time could be pregnant- the pack can never tell because “round and swollen like a balloon”’is how he always looks…

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sp3ncer45 · 3 months

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Guess who decided to make a size chart mee I did

//MENTION OF ED/SH//

(CHANGES/HCS UNDER CUT)

||Keroro||

-He/him, cis, gay

-45(human years)

-He's short now like really short, I thought it would be cute

-a little bit chubby heart emoji

-He's got brown in his colors now(stole that from ziv❤)

-Claws!!!!!!

-Fuckass ushanka(Chip revvington reference I gave him a ushanka because of that FUCKASS chainsaw beast)

-I have a theory/headcanon that the keroro platoon was created and put together by keron hq to kind of be a "mascot platoon" with keroro being the somewhat offical mascot for the keron army, so like I wanted to make keroro look kind of cutesy like a marketable mascot. Hes not fully marketable here, his designs a little too complicated, but I imagine that keron has an altered version of keroro that's much closer to his original purpose that they use in tv and in products

||Tamama||

-He/She/They, genderfluid, likes men that's all I know

-15(human years)

-SHES TALLLLLL for a keronian atleast

-to be honest he changed the most out of all the others

-anyways they have much bulkier limbs now

-I wanted to make him look a little "manmade" with the colors on their body n the way shes built I suppose?? theres a reason for that

-Tamama is a clone, like dark keroro. I hc that on keron clones have to be genetically distinct from from non clone keronians so they can be identified as clones, like for example, their underbellies being dark colors as compared to the light colors of most keronians, and the lack of feet.

-Hes a clone of one of the very high ranking soldiers of the keron army. They were created as an experiment to test genetic mutations and making stable lifeforms with said mutations. He was raised by one of the scientists who was having issues having children of their own and so decided to take her in. Keron is surprisingly very open about their genetic testing and the fact they create manmade keronians, so tamama was allowed to live a pretty normal life and went to school n such.

-She has an ED where he will often binge large quantities of food and then purge for extended periods of time

||Giroro||

-He/him, cis(?), the most he will say is bi-curious (Hes mega gay)

-45(human years)

-Buff as hell

-is that a little bit of chub? or is it muscle belly? he won't tell you that's for sure

-I made his scar cooler

-his belt has multiple pictures of it, some of the cat, some of natsumi(NOT BC HE HAS A FUCKING CRUSH ON HER ITS BC HE CARES ABT HER LIKE A DAUGHTER I WILL KILL MYSELF OVER GIRONASTU AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY) but on the top is a picture of he and is family(garuru and his dad)

||Dororo||

-He/him, FTM, bisexual

-38(human years)

-Hes supposed to be canonically lean? no, fuck you, hes fat as hell actually

-Before coming to pekopon, he had a terrible ED, he would hardly eat or drink and this was mostly due to being psychologically abused by his mentor about being natrually plus-sized when he was training to be an assassin.

-When he came to pekopon, and became a ninja, he was able to overcome his ED and accept his body as it is. Realizing he was trans and transitioning helped a lot as well as the "ninja lifestyle".

-Also I hc that the time it took for him to reunite with the keroro platoon was significantly longer than how it was canonically (like 1 year), and when he reunited with the keroro platoon he was still struggling with body image issues relating to gender and weight. He was still in the middle of his journey of self-acceptance as well.

-Stretch marks bc I imagine that he gained a fairly large amount of weight in a short amount of time

-His hat drape thingy is much longer now(also stolen from ziv(hi ziv)) he treats it like hair sometimes

-some big ol long sharp claws❤(he likes to scratch things up like a cat, theirs a cat stretch pole at he and koyuki's place)

-Droopy eyes bc I think it makes him look silly

-PAW PADS!!!!!

||Kururu||

-He/they/ku, gender? I hardly know her, pansexual

-24(human years)

-Ku is chubby ❤ as he should be

-Hypersexual(that's from donnie hi donnie)

-SH scars from SH

-I imagine that they have quite a lot of self hatred issues and an inferiority complex. Ku hates to take care of himself bc he views themself as "undeserving" of care.

-The weird jerky uncaring asshole thing he has going on is mostly a shield so people won't see his true emotions, but also it's so people will hate him. In ku's mind if people hate him then they won't care about him, since he believes hes unworthy of it. It ends up being an toxic cycle, though, as he continues to keep up the jerk act, he believes hes more and more unworthy of love and care, so keeps it up, and so on and so forth.

EXTRA BITS:

-Kururu is the average height for civilian keronians, while dororo and giroro are around the height of soldier keronians. I hc that the keron army typically recruits taller keronians especially for on field stuff.

-I HC that keronians do croak, and keronians all have unique croaks. They typically croak when they are content, kind of like a purr but more casual. However in keronian society its considered rude to purr so most do it at home alone or with family. Croaking is kind of like a stim for keronians, they can do it as they please but sometimes they'll do it subconsciously as well

-speaking of purring keronians also purr. They purr when they feel good or are very happy. Unlike croaking they can't control purrs. What makes a keronian purr depends on the individual, sometimes a keronian has to feel really really good to purr sometimes a keronian will start purring at the drop of a dime lol

-Sometimes they knead like a cat but it's quite rare and only some do it.

(close ups of the characters)

#sgt frog #keroro gunso #keroro gunsou #ケロロ軍曹 #keroro platoon #armpit platoon #keroro #giroro #tamama #kururu #dororo #kululu #dororo sgt frog #dororo keroro gunso

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anamenooneowns · 2 months

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A Creepy Fanfic: The Big Dick.

A/n: This is a fanfic to indulge my inner pre-teens creepypasta phase (which was never really a phase🥀⛓️🖤🤘🏽😔) also, the woman above is not a face claim and you're a spirit entity thing. i'm obviously making up shit bc it sounds cool in my head. so yeah. enjoy.

warnings: Cursing. Death/dead people. Gore? sorta. Horrible jokes bc i think i'm hilarious. No use of y/n. Use of religion to bully another. Bullying. Sex (use condoms pls). Spanking. Name-calling (bitch and cunt). Rough sex. I think thats all... if I missed something lemme know🙂

pairing: ticci toby x you

Water was still when it was untouched. The water in Lake Black has been still since the death of that poor girl–it was so sudden, so awful–awful how everyone in that bumfuck town pretended they had nothing to do with her death. (♱) didn’t deserve it. It wasn’t her fault that her mother was sick, that her mind was broken since the terrible death of her husband, (♱)’s father.

The witches of Black Falls is what they called her and her mother. Rolling their eyes back and pretending to spasm whenever she passed them in school hallways and in public, reciting prayers in their Religion class to ‘ward’ her away, refusing her food in line at the church when she and her mother had been hungry–starving.

But no longer. A dead girl didn’t need to eat after all, right?

Wrong. Because (♱) was hungry. Starved. Ravenous with a need to sink her teeth into the rotting meat that was this town. A stain is what it was. All heretics.

A head split the still waters of Lake Black. Jet-black hair plastered to brown skin, droplets of water clung to her hairline before rolling down, connecting and parting over and again as she continued to rise. The fog that had settled over the water billowed around her body, rising with her slowly, the currents below swirling angrily and bubbled with the white-hot, scalding, burning anger of a woman scorned.

Eyes, white–having lost their iris and pupil–were all sclera and thin, red veins. When her pale blue lips kissed fresh air after having been lost to the bottom of Hell for so long a hiss escaped them. The water relinquished its hold on her as she continued to rise into the embrace of the moon on this beautiful night. The only companion she’s ever had her entire life.

The woman in the moon. Her daddy would make up stories about it. How she had been cast away into the stars for bringing darkness…darkness associated with anything bad. Yet, she was so warm right now. Anything would be considered warm compared to (♱)’s cold body. Undead.

She was going to eat this fucking town. And everyone in it, alive.

Drenched, scuffed sneakers dragged along the asphalt of the street. (♱)’s only goal was to reach the only person here who mattered: her mommy. Each step she took in line with a house on the block set it ablaze, screaming long having made its symphony in the night as they all burned alive. Skin shrinking and fat rendering–it was all so delicious. Her body absorbed it like she was eating, the wounds of her body fading as she gained more… ‘life’ into her.

And when she reached that house, the door opening for her before she could touch it, the sight ran flashbacks through her mind when she was still alive. Out of the mudroom, the stairs to your left in the hallway, up the stairs, the first door to your right was her mother’s room. The door creaked open and there her mommy lay. (♱) neared her and laid on the bed, wrapping her wet, slimy arms around her before weeping softly.

Because her mother was dead. A pill bottle in her hands, and her body cold, but smiling. To think she was ready to leave this place and be with her husband and daughter again, but (♱)’s soul knew where it belonged, and after tonight–it was destined to one place only.

“You shouldn’t be alive.”

Silence.

“I… know,” (♱) croaked. “But I am.”

“So you are,” they affirmed. “You’re gonna stir a lot of shit, but, you don’t know the rules yet so The Operator is letting you off the hook, but you need to come with me. Come with us, and learn.”

“If-if I don’t?”

Something cold pressed against her throat. It was sharp. “You die here, and your soul is sent straight to Hell where it belongs.”

(♱) didn’t care that the blade has sliced into her neck a bit. “I don’t believe in Hell. I don’t think I ever did.”

“All the more reason to come with us then. None of us believe in it much either,” they moved the sharp blade.

She sat up slowly and looked at them. It was a man. He had shaggy brown hair, light brown eyes, and skin as pale as the moon. Looking back at her mother, she leaned down and kissed her on the cheek before standing. “Okay,” she agreed.

A black tar-like substance webbed across the ceiling of the room before lighting up, fire licking away at the interior of the once warm home. It was the end of her old life, and the start of another.

“Y’know, I hate when you do this shit,” Toby grumbled. “It ain’t playin’ fair.”

“Playing fair? That’s for losers, baby,” (♱)’s voice echoed like a purr in his mind, the exact way she’d voice her words if she was in fucking front of him and not hiding.

“Callin’ me a loser, little girl?” he huffed, cutting down the greenery blocking his way.

His eyes flitted around the clearing as he looked for (♱). Ever since she joined them and fell into step quickly with the whole undead thing and learning the extent of her abilities-and them falling in love yada, yada, ya-she was the prettiest damn nuisance he’s ever experienced in his life.

Her laughter echoed from the crows above on the gnarled trees. He growled and huffed out a deep breath from his nose-

“Are you?” A boline knife shaved a bit of his five o’clock shadow. (♱) tilted her head at Toby and smiled, black lips parting to reveal pearly whites at her man. “Loser,” she whispered.

Toby chuckled and pulled his goggles up to rest on his head, brown eyes slicing over to her from the corner of his eye. “Alright, mama… you got me. Training over.”

He turned to her and pulled down his mask, revealing his own smile. A vicious scar ran jaggedly from the left corner of his mouth into a permanent sneer. A half-glasgow as (♱) would tease, a running joke after she had said it to hurt him during a particularly nasty argument. The skin there was taut and deformed, the flesh puckered and a whitish-pink, healed but forever marred. With his skin ripped and pulled back, teeth–which were slightly yellower on this side but just as straight as the rest of the teeth in his mouth–were on permanent display.

(♱) leaned up on the balls of her feet and pecked his lips. “What’s my reward?”

Toby raised an eyebrow and snorted. “You’re jokin’, right? This is part of the job description, sweetness.”

“So? Don’t I deserve a.. I dunno, a fuckin’ blowjob or something?” (♱) huffed.

Toby’s eyes widened. “Babe, what the fuck are you-”

“Look, after how I just fucked you in the ass with that win, I’d say I have a pretty-” (♱) squealed as Toby picked her up and threw her over his broad shoulder-“big dick!”

“Big dick, huh? I’m gonna show you a big dick, little girl, always runnin’ that fuckin’ mouth,” he smacked her ass sharply and then her thigh.

Toby walked toward their cabin, passing Tim and Jeff–Jeff whistling at the sliver of the bottom of (♱)’s ass on display from her ridden-up shorts because, of course–cursing a “Fuck!” when Toby cracked him on the back of the head with the stick of his axe. “You may not be able to close your eyes you lidless fuck, but watch it unless you want me to pluck them out for (♱) to use in her witchy shit.”

(♱) giggled, kicking her legs lazily and waving at the two other men. “Bye, Tim! Fuck you, Jeff.”

In their cabin, which was in a more secluded section of The Operator’s woods, Toby kicked the door open and shut it behind them. “So fuckin’ cocky and thinkin’ you can talk to me however, babe-” he dumped her onto the bed and (♱) giggled, biting her lip as she rolled onto her belly, Toby grabbing her throat and lifting her head to force her into an arch. His eyes looked into her own, seemingly sightless without an iris or pupil, but he knew she could see.

“Then what’re you gonna do about it?” she hissed.

His permanent sneer stretched.

(♱) bobbed her head with a voracious need for the mouth-ripping burn of swallowing down Toby’s dick, a thick oozing string of saliva filled with bubbles and mixed with pre-cum drooling onto her chest and the bed. (♱) was still on her belly on their bed while he stood up above her, a big and pale tatted hand clamped around her neck, rough fingertips digging into the joint connecting her skull and jaw to force her mouth open. Her clothes were sliced off with her own weapon, courtesy of her boyfriend, the bastard.

Those gorgeous white eyes, not as soulless as one would think, looked up at him.

And then there was the rough scrape of enamel against flesh. “Fucking- oh, you litte cunt,” he hooked his fingers over her bottom teeth and pulled her jaw down as far as he could before pistoning his hips forward. A wet gurgle came from her throat as (♱)’s gag reflex was triggered, her nose buried into his pubic hair where the pungent smell of sweat from training had become stale. (♱) gagged and choked, tears rolling down her brown cheeks as her nose burned, strings of saliva connecting her lips to his shaft with each thrust of his strong hips.

And she loved it. God, hearts would be fucking floating around in her pupils if she had any.

“God- you’re fucking disgusting,” Toby laughed dryly. “Bet that pretty pussy is all wet just from suckin’ cock, right, mama?”

(♱) moaned around his length and he finally pulled out of her mouth, smirking as she panted-and also because she let his cock rest against the fold between her cheekbone and nose. “Huh? What was that?” he asked.

“I said… I-I alr..already told you I have a big dick,” (♱) panted with the most impish fucking smile.

Toby let his head fall, shoulders rising and falling in short intervals. He was laughing. “Alright, bitch-” he grabbed a handful of thick curls and (♱) whimpered as he pulled her up to her knees and then used both hands, tucking them between the back of her thighs and calves to pull her forward, making her bounce onto her back. With the wind knocked out of her, Toby was already pushing his turgid cock into her, the pierced head of his length breaching her first, cold and shocking.

(♱)’s hands pressed against his lower abdomen and he snatched her wrists together in one hand and held them in front of him as he fucked her, smirking as the sight of her back arching away from the bed and her hips canting forward, making a bridge. “T-Toby, oh my… fuck!” she whined, breathily. “Sho… big,” she slurred.

“Nah, that doesn’t sound like what I was just hearin’ sweetness. Fuckin’ say it. Who has a big dick again?”

“Y-you-”

He leaned down to her face, head turned so his warm breaths were spread over her ear and neck. “I can’t. Fucking. Hear you,” he snarled.

“You, baby- on…only you!” (♱) wailed.

“Good girl,” Toby licked up the side of her neck, her sweat making his salivary glands sting. He let go of her wrists and she immediately wrapped her arms around his neck, whining and pursing her lips which he responded to. His lips pressed against hers, tongues sliding against each other as they kissed, suckling and smacking. He pulled away the ripped side of his mouth making divots where the puckered flesh connected to normal skin, he was smiling. “Yeah, there we go… can’t even get a word out.”

(♱)’s eyes were lidded, the muscles of her neck loose as her head fell back onto the mattress. Just babbling quietly, legs crooked at the knee and splayed open, cradling his body between them. Her cunt gripped him tightly, small spurts of cream coating his cock in a thin sheen as he buried himself inside of her warmth over and again. “T-Toby,” she whined.

“Shh, I know, mama–m’gonna take you there,” he panted. His thumb strummed over her clit, his hips stuttering every time she clenched too tight around him, jaw falling open so his ragged breaths could fall from his lips. His free hand wrapped around her throat and she bit her lip and he could tell she was looking at him, straight into his eyes.

It felt like electricity crackling through her nervous system, each shock waking her up but the lack of proper oxygen flow making her dizzy and hazy.

Toby’s balls, heavy and tight–churning with cum–pulled upward, the seam of his sac making the separation of each ball prominent. (♱) sucked in a sharp breath through her teeth that developed into a groan as she was right there. Right… there!

White-hot heat coiled and burst in (♱)’s belly, lava overflowing and extending through her body as her toes curled and her muscles contracted and trembled. Toby pressed her thighs against her chest, her pussy squeezing around him so tight that it forced him out of her, her squirt sluicing over him while he humped himself to completion between the chubby folds of her sweet cunt. His cockhead dipped between her pressed together thighs until it was jumping and twitching, thick ribbons of cum streaming over her plump lips, dripping down her brown skin.

He sighed, grabbing his shaft and running it up and down the seam of her pussy until she whined. “Alright, alright, m’done,” he chuckled.

“R-remind… remind me to p-piss you off-” she lifted her head and smirked at him- “more often.” Toby leaned down on the bed, the muscles of his back shifting and rippling. “Sweetness, you can piss me off as much as you want as long as you remember one thing at the end of the day: I’m the one with the big dick in this relationship.”

#x black fem reader #x black reader #creepy #creepypasta #platonic #fulfilling my inner child #hope you liked it i dont know if it should be a series #it prolly should be to make sense of everything happening but whatever

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infinity0nhigh · 10 months

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I am once again complaining that PCOS is the bane of my existence… I have to work 5 times fucking harder to lose weight than people who don’t have it. CICO doesn’t even work with this shit, and more people need to talk about that!!! It’s wild that my body can defy the laws of thermodynamics (gain weight despite eating at a calorie deficit) because I ate too many carbs or drank too much sweet tea that day or whatever (and I do try to limit how much of that I drink!) I have to go on the keto diet I guess. I’ve even tried water fasting to fix this shit. NOT stupid ~intermittent fasting~, but FULL-ON water fasting!!! For days!!!

Not only that, but it can cause painful periods and infertility. I’m lucky enough that I don’t deal with painful periods anymore, and mine are pretty regular, but for some women with PCOS, their periods stop altogether leaving them infertile. I personally don’t want kids, but I know a lot of people do, and that has to be devastating. I did almost have a child once. I got pregnant, decided to keep, and had a miscarriage a few weeks later. Even though I don’t want kids and it was honestly for the best that that happened (I was—and am—nowhere near equipped to deal with a child), I still live with that, like, I still carry that with me in the back of my mind every day and probably always will. It was horrific. And I know it happened due to my PCOS.

This syndrome, dude. It’s horrible. People take one look at you when you’re fat and automatically decide that you’re lazy and gluttonous and not worth respecting when CONDITIONS LIKE PCOS EXIST. Fatphobia is so obnoxious. They don’t know how fucking hard I worked to lose 100 lbs before, and how devastating it was for me to me to gain it all back in the span of a year and a half, because I got back on antipsychotics (I had to) and my PCOS got worse and ravaged my body.

I hike, I walk miles upon miles frequently, I do dance and workout videos (now that one I probably don’t do as frequently as I should, BUT STILL). And I try not to binge-eat anymore. Now sometimes I do eat too much, but mostly I have normal-sized meals now!!! But none of it’s ever good enough!!! I can’t seem to lose weight this time around!!!!! I ate ONE meal all day yesterday and gained 5 lbs overnight. It’s so over for me dude…

EDIT: oh and the best part is my extremely shitty doctor that I’m having trouble replacing bc my insurance sucks. lmao. she quit prescribing me Trulicity to combat my fucked up blood sugar levels due to the PCOS. nice.

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mystiika · 1 year

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re; jamie’s shifting preferences, maintaining form, & learning control

generally speaking jamie is quite happy with himself as he is ! which is significant because if he didn't like himself while being a shapeshifter it could get him SERIOUS body dysmorphia issues. so he likes to do things as if they're accessories. in general he cares more about his general vibe so he's more likely to change smaller things. like give himself freckles on a given day or change his hair colour/texture instead of messing with larger parts of his body like gender presentation or looking like a new person entirely.

usually when he looks like a totally different person its because he feels like being anonymous or bc he wants to pull a ( harmless ) prank on someone. especially in his mainverse where he’s a relatively popular twitch streamer/tik toker which means he’s occasionally recognised in public. the only other major change that happens with any regularity is if he is feeling esp fem/like a girl. but even then its more just like a slightly altered version of himself with more feminine features bc he really does like how he looks ! ( reminder that jamie, while generally he prefers to present masc & defaults to he/him pronouns, is still genderfluid & thus his gender presentation is not a constant ).

as a side note i feel like even if he'd been afab he'd probably still have the same general vibe? maybe present masc slightly more than he'd normally present fem in his current canon but still just feels most comfortable in his natural form so to speak because it requires no effort & feels more comfortable mentally.

keeping a form ( partial or full ) is something he has to consciously decide to do, so it can be super draining to think about being a certain way all the time. the hair or freckle or eye colour change type things is something he's so used to that it doesn't require the same amount of effort. similarly with hiding zits as desired, its all more so something just in the back of his mind that he’s not actively thinking about but is still there. understandably, larger changes require more focus. the longer he keeps an altered form the more physically tired he can get as well. he's not going to suddenly start changing back without his intent to do so though since the odds of him letting it get to that point are so incredibly miniscule. he does tend to eat a lot too bc shapeshifting in general uses a lot of energy which can make it difficult for him to gain weight be it fat or muscle. this especially was a big struggle for him when he started boxing & had to put on more muscle in order to fight well enough.

jamie's adhd is actually a huge part why he's so good at being able to keep shifting in mind while doing things. that being said if he REALLY needs to focus on things like when he's doing school work, he'd 100% just go back to his base form to make it as easy as possible & just take his meds

for a bit of context, jamie’s mother comes from an extremely old & very powerful coven in korea. & hannah, like her mother, became a witch who started displaying powers around kindergarten age & then later in middle school she developed her abilities as a medium. meanwhile jamie become a shapeshifter was such a rare phenomenon that no one really could have expected things to turn out the way they had

there was only one example of a shapeshifter in their ancestry & it was so long ago that there wasn't really anyone left alive to talk about it & the records their coven kept were pretty minimal, most likely having been lost over the centuries

so while hannah had lessons to learn control over her magic, jamie had to have his own lessons about how being a shapeshifter was rare & important & he had to be careful not to overdo it or use it to harm people etc. but realistically it was more like basic etiquette on how to be a good person & then supervising him while he learned to control it himself. but that part was unfortunately something he more had to figure out on his own.

how he shifts is sort of strange too ! so how he started initially he learned how to shift isolated parts of his body ( such as suddenly giving himself long hair or giving himself lil claws on his hands ). which gave him significant control in his technique — although it took a while to master keeping said form.

then when it came to mimicking other people or animals it was far more difficult. normally shapeshifters have either a set thing they change back & forth from ( ie. human to animal to human again as a one time switch one way or another where they stay like that until making a decision to switch back ), OR they are able to copy something or someone they’ve seen.

if jamie had learned to do this first its possible he’d be able to do it far easier than he does now, but because he learned isolation first he finds it easiest to copy a form if he understands the basic anatomy. ie. he understands the make up of people because he understands his own body so well, but if he tried to turn into a bird without remembering that a bird's main limb bones are hollow, it might pose an issue if he tries to fly. as he gets older he slowly learns this form of shifting as well, being able to copy something he’s seen without understanding how their body words, but its sort of slow since there’s only so many species of animal he’d even want to TRY turning into.

frankly he’d be able to do a lot more if he put in the time, but he’s not in a position where he needs to use his abilities to fight like he’s some sort of super hero & he’s able to do all the things he currently cares about doing so he can’t be bothered to learn to do more.

there are other ability related things he has not learned either how to control/make use of them, but that’s a post for another day. for a very basic breakdown of his other powers its listed in his dossier over here or there’s a post over here with a bit more detail.

#metas — the gap between understanding & misunderstanding can best be bridged by thought #j. lincoln. character study — nothing is ever so mischievous in its own place as it is out of it #queue.

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lovintheaesthetic · 1 year

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Tw ED

Since a few weeks I've been trying to make an attempt at recovery, because I passed out from not eating enough and I guess that was kind of a wake up call. And it's really hard, especially bc the extreme hunger has kicked in. But still I've just been trying to let myself eat and not count calories or purge. But my mom keeps making comments about how much I'm eating and how I'm exercising less. Which is making me feel very self-concious and bad about myself (also bc I gained some weight). However, it also pisses me off bc she was there you know? I had to call her to drive me to the ER after I passed out. She saw how fucked up I was afterwards and she knows I had a concussion and wounds and shit. But she doesn't seem to care. All she cares about is me "being healthy" (skinny). Like both my parents have not been concerned whatsoever. They've just been giving me tips on how to starve myself properly so that I don't pass out next time. And they pretend this is not ED behavior, but a "diet". And I am really seeing why my eating behaviors over the course of my life have been so fucked up. I have also had BED and it has always felt like I love food too much (hoarding it and eating way too much). And I didn't really get why until now. I was afraid that the food would get taken away. I have been forced on diets my entire life and told I was too fat since I was 4 years old. I did an entire dieting program when I was 10. I was vegan until I was 4, with no sugar whatsoever, bc my parents were terrified of me "being unhealthy". My father offered to pay for weight loss surgery when I was 17 and barely overweight. And now is the first time that I am fully understanding where my relationship with food comes from. This was a losing battle to begin with, with both sides of my family suffering from eating disorders and being forced into that from the minute I was born. I am also realizing that I am the only one who can fix it. I need to re-learn how to eat and what to eat and I need to do this without any input from my parents. And I am going to fucking try my hardest because I am so tired of being looked at as a pet project for their own issues.

#tw #vent #rant #ed #tw ed

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bunnywritesmarvel · 2 years

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the moonshineanon post about skinny shaming gave me a headache and its so astounding to me that people would really go out of their way to blame their own self-esteem issues on someone as if they caused it, instead of addressing and working through it 👨‍🦯

tw mentions of anorexia

this is the last im gonna mention this stuff bc i hate being in drama but it needs to be said lmao

this is all im gonna say about it tbh but im literally in the demographic of the beauty standard. im tall and thin, a bit on the muscular side bc i work out so much, and honestly, im still insecure of how skinny i am. im actively trying to put on muscle and gain some weight bc i, personally, dont like being skinny. but thats my own insecurities caused by myself and maybe some off handed comments from other people. it is NOT systematic the way fatphobia is. have you seen all the models in the world??? theyre PRAISED for how skinny they are no matter how unhealthy it may be. when i was 100 pounds and i looked like a skeleton, so many people told me they wished they looked like me. when i see pictures of 100 pound me, i think "jesus christ i look sick" bc i WAS sick, i had an eating disorder. society values being skinny over being healthy. i guarantee you lizzo is healthier than me bc she works out all the time and is vegan. yeah, i work out but i eat like garbage too. skinny doesnt automatically equal healthy.

ive never gone to the doctor about something thats wrong with me and have them just chalk it up to "oh you just need to put on weight." its always discussed and seriously talked about, yet fat people are always dismissed and told to 'lose weight' when the issue isnt even caused by weight. people just value skinny over healthy and its not fucking good and its killing people

just say you hate fat people and go so i can block you, jesus. this blog will always stand for inclusivity in every form and im tired of the rampant fatphobia all around us and ive never even personally experienced it, so i cant even imagine what fat people have to go through. it's ridiculous.

#bunny answers #bunny rants

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dancedance-resolution · 2 years

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anyways while we’re on the subject of sg medical trauma. i feel like lena has an eating disorder. gonna talk ad nauseum about it under the cut.

developing an ed was kind of inevitable, i think, with the way the luthors policed her body growing up. her diet, exercise, supplements, etc, were regiments so strictly regulated by the luthors. and the results were relentlessly examined too - after all, if this bastard child has to bear the luthor name, then at the very least she has to wear it well.

in her adult life, as the luthorcorp ceo, it’s that same spotlight her adoptive parents put on her but...bigger. ruthless in new and different ways. social media gossips and tabloids openly speculate over her wait, print headlines about pounds she’s allegedly gained and crash diets she’s allegedly failed at. and the pregnancy rumors, always accompanied by a grainy pap photo with her protruding stomach circled in bold red ink, pop up weekly. her male coworkers laud her a bitch, a dyke, a fat pig, in various degrees of openness; even her female coworkers, trying to be supportive, tend to trigger her with ostensibly caring comments about a diet their sister successfully tried or a weight loss doctor their cousin raves about.

and so being in a relationship with kara is complicated for her, body image wise. because kara is quite literally inhumanly gorgeous, with a sculpted figure that every sapphic national city twitter-user thirsts over on the daily. and (in this little headcanon lena is fat btw bc truly that’s what we deserve) lena’s....not. not skinny, not muscular, not ‘mainstream attractive’.

but kara, somehow, loves her. all of her, kara claims, including her body. she presses kisses along her tummy before going down on her, traces loving fingers and lips over her stretchmarks, waxes poetic about how she wants to suffocate between lena’s thighs. reassures lena that no, her arm fat doesn’t look ugly in that dress, but if it would make her feel more comfortable, she can borrow kara’s supergirl cape to cover them up.

which is one thing.

but more than that, kara eats.

she gets belly bloat after downing an unholy amount of pasta. she devours carbs and sugars and fats without care. she scoffs at the idea that ‘food is fuel’, instead indulging in what she wants when she wants because it’s an opportunity to bond with family members over a meal, or because she trusts her body when it tells her it’s hungry, or just because it fucking tastes good. food isn’t evil, isn’t something that needs to be caged and regulated - it’s a source of pleasure, a vessel to facilitate interpersonal connection, a way to cultivate her old culture and heritage.....

she never criticizes lena’s eating habits, never so much as remarks when a package of oreos goes missing from the pantry only to be found empty beneath the bed later that day because lena still feels so much fucking shame about binging. she doesn’t comment on how weird it is that lena sometimes holds her plate in her lap, beneath the surface of the dining room table, because it makes it easier for her to eat when the food she’s consuming isn’t being perceived by anyone; she doesn’t condemn lena for wasting food when all she can manage is a few bites.

which is not to say that kara doesn’t try to help. she sends lena a poem one time, something about how you shouldn’t cut up your body into pieces for individual scrutiny because it is whole and it is good. she starts bringing lunch to lena’s office every weekday when lena admits that eating at work is particularly difficult for her, and she communicates with lena to develop a system where lena wordlessly indicates whether or not she wants kara to stay and chat with her during her lunch break based on how lena positions her desk calendar that afternoon. she uses nailpolish to paint intricate designs on lena’s nails when she notices that lena’s been picking at her skin more than usual, the art later serving as a reminder and source of strength for lena to help stop herself from caving in to the compulsion. she prepares snacks when she notices that lena hasn’t eaten in a while and wordlessly leaves them on the kitchen counter as a low-pressure way of encouraging lena to eat and helping reduce the amount of energy it takes lena to eat.

and when things get bad and kara notices that lena needs help help, she communicates with lena every step of the way, going out of her way to give lena agency and information.

so it’s complicated. recovery is weird, and anything but linear, and lena still has good days and bad days.

but she realizes that all of the days are markedly better now that she has kara by her side.

#didn't proofread this so apologies for any errors!#for blacklists:#ed #body stuff #for my own filing purposes (sorry to put this in the main tag):#supergirl

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fatwh0relmao · 2 years

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alright time for another vent + progress postttttt

ate like 2 hard boiled eggs my maid made me today, probs could have not eaten anything tho. I just feel bad when I don’t eat the food she makes cause like she works hard and stuff but tbh when I acc write that down it just sounds like an excuse. Most of the time I just find a way to dispose of the food she makes me but since it was just like 2 eggs today I figured it wouldn’t be that bad. Like ig I should just eat enough just to survive bc ljke what’s the point of being skinny if ur dead lmao. You could totally counter that with the “id rather die skinny than live fat”mentality which is like yeah that’s true too but dying isn’t my first priority rn. Like obv I’m depressed who isn’t on this app but I’d like to enjoy my skinniness when it comes preferably alive. But yeah what else have I done today? I walked for like 20 minutes (to my plugs house lmao) in like 45 c weather so not very fun. Another excuse I’ve been making for myself is that Im not exercising bc it’s hot asf where I live but like bro I could totes just workout in my room so that’s a dumb excuse. Oh yeah and I haven’t eaten anything else today besides the eggs butttt I did drink like a mix of 1 tbsp apple cider vinegar, 1 tbsp lemon juice and some water bc ljke I heard that’s good for weight loss. Anyways yeah I’m acc feeling rlly motivated rn I feel like not eating itself gives me something to do since I’m so fucking bored this summer. I usually travel to the us to see family over the summer but a bunch of stuff happened so I couldn’t. I don’t really enjoy going to the us since I go to the most boring place ever but like the food in the us is so good. Just like the shit they have at grocery stores omfg I cannot control myself there so maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t go. Tbh last summer I only gained like 1 pound from being in the us cause the only “us food” I would have would legit just be cherry coke I love that shit it’s so good. Idk if there’s a diet version of it but tbh if there was I still wouldn’t drink jt. Diet sodas taste nasty unlessssss it’s sugar free redbull that stuff tasted the exact same as reg redbull and it’s only like 20 calories. I feel like I’m gonna try to just post a long ass paragraph on here ranting abt my stupid life whenever I feel hungry as a distraction to not eat. I have not felt like eating today which is pog but I still wanted to write on here cuz like it’s funnnn and gives me motivationnnn. I’m totes gonna get bored later and write more but lmao. Anyways yeah I’m feelin good im chillin.

#tw ed #tw ed rant #weight loss #not pro ana #ana #restrictive ana #skinny #ed sheeran

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uranagirly · 3 days

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30 day thinspo challenge

Omg i totally forgot to do this the Last days im so sry :((

Day 3:

I Love everything about her she is literally perfect .My favourite parts are the visible ribs ,the thigh gap ,the flat tummy, and her beautiful hipbones <33.ahh she's so prettyyy 😍

Day 4: my greatest fears abt wl are that i lose my hair and that i have to Go to the Hospital (even tho i'm fat ) and that i gain all the weight Back

Day5: im doing it for me and i want ppl to Look at me and think "oh my gosh she's so skinny" and i wanna be known as the skinny Girl. Idk If this sounds stupid.

Day 6:I dont typically binge but i used to overeat often when i was younger.sometimes i still do but then i usually dont Go over 1.3k calories and i try to do at least 1:30h HIIT cardio after it.

Day7: my parents dont now ig but sometimes they get rlly worried Abt me when they dont See me eating.

Day8:my workout Routine is always different bc im constantly trying Out new ones but i usually do 45min -1h 15 cardio a day ik it's not crazy much but it gets hard for me to do Sport when im Not eating

✨See u tmr for Day 9✨

#pro for me not for thee #tw restriction #pro for myself #ana is my life #@na vent #@n@ buddy #@nor3×14 #@na motivation #@n@ tips #@n@ diary

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brahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 12 days

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im gonna do this cause i see it everywhere and never have but idrk if people care so im just gonna do as much as i want all at once for fun

1 sw 172 hw 205 cw 173 lw 140

2 im 5'5 and a half technically and i wish i was just 5'5 or like a little bit shorter i hate being bigger than other people and i feel like its more ""excusable"" if im shorter? i grew up being the tall kid and hated it so i feel a lot better about it now since everyones grown

3 not posting thinsp0 cause i dont wanna get t3rmd or be too triggering

4 my greatest fears about weight loss are dying, getting forced into recovery again or institutionalized and just generally my mom finding out

5 the real reason i wanna lose weight is definitely mostly for other people i got over a lot of insecurity when i recovered but fatphobias a bitch and people treated me sm worse constantly than when i was at my lw

6 i dont binge probably bc most of the time theres not a lot of food in the house and ive just never gotten into the habit of it

7 i dont think my parents know? my mom might but if she does she thinks im just exercising again and doing it healthy style

8 i dont really have a workout routine im still trying to get back into working out but i do go on 20 minute runs like 3ish times a week and ive been doing small pinterest cardio workouts like burpees mountain climbers and other basics

9 people have made comments since 2nd grade lol thats a big part of why im back here

10 the hardest thing ive given up during weight loss was happiness honestly. it sounds cheesy but eds literally take over your brain food was the only thing on my mind and recovering was like euphoria with this giant weight (lol) lifted.

11 @lxllx3d is my fav thinsp blog cause i dress alternative and the owner seems cool and has good opinions

12 too many hard boiled eggs my cholesterols crazy and i have bagels pretty often as my main meal

13 lmao

14 my ugw is 120 and losertown says ill reach it sometime this summer or august

15 im not vegan or vegetarian but im hindu so i dont eat cow and feel bad about pigs being smart so i dont eat pig i try to eat as much chicken as i can cause protein is very important for not dying w a restrictive ed

16 i first decided to lose weight when i was 9 i would do these workout apps with my also fucked up friend. i saw a nutritionist (fuck you lady) when i was 11 and she told me to start counting calories on myfitnesspal (fuck you lady fr never tell a child to do that)

17 im an0rexic

18 sunflower seeds and pie are probably my biggest weaknesses (which is usually fine for sunflower seeds except like sodium)

19 the last time i ate fast food was probably like a month or two ago i had like fries and i live across the street from a fosters freeze (its like a dairy queen)

20 i dont really do diets i just set cal goals based on what i think i need/can handle

21 i wear like a us medium in tops and a large in bottoms depending on the store obvs

22 i already said but my lw was 140 and i gained bc i recovered (like professionally like i had a dr and psychiatrist and nutritionist(she sucked))

23 media probably definitely played a role in me thinking being fat was bad or just being aware of it in general but i think it was mostly subconscious

24 pro ana and pro mia are pretty dumb terms to me bc almost nobodys actually promoting it to other people or thinks its good we just want community i usually just say ana community or mia or ed

25 i have purged i cant remember the first time but i do remember one time i was hanging out with my friends at my house and we had rootbeer floats and i took a shower a purged it when they were in the other room which was super lame

26 im most excited to just feel lighter and have people notice again

27 idk how i deal with being around food sometimes i eat it sometimes i dont sometimes i give it to other people

28 a thigh gap would be nice bc chafing in the summer hurts so bad but i dont think its realistic for my body type and cause i still wanna be relatively curvy i def want more of a gap then now though

29 i think my definition of beauty is pretty abstract i find most things beautiful and a lot of it for people depends on actions and personality and little things they do i think beauty is ever evolving and cant really be defined

30 10 facts about me!! im an artist(bunch of different things but a lot of portrait paintings), im a smoker (both), im an ambivert but i act like an extrovert, i like kids, im german and have a really cool last name, im passionate about politics and social justice, im really passionate about the environment (i represent my school in this district wide youth environment thing and im taking ap environmental science), im very bisexual, i love riot grrrl music and subculture stuff, im a theater kid :|

#tw ed numbers #@n@ thoughts #@n@ diary #an0rec1a #anatumblr #light as a 🪶#ed numbers

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flawsimperfectionswhatididwrong · 6 months

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childhood

I cannot say I had the worst childhood. I had a very challenging one, constant instability.

as a kid I'd watch these tv shows with family members that supported and cared for their children. I grew up with adults that felt like they already were tired of my existence. obv as a child you want these adults to approve of you because they're the people who feed you and provide for you and they were supposed to love you. I became a people pleaser. despite the disrespect I still tried to love these people. these are just some things that come to mind. I misbehaved a lot as a child, whenever anyone had anything to say about me as a kid I was troubled

here are some horrendous things they used to say to me as a child:

(8yrs) keep misbehaving we'll ship you back[we are an immigrant family] we should've brought your sister instead she wouldn't act like you

(9yrs) just give the rest of you food to [me], she's like a recycling bin anyway

(9yrs)youre getting fat you should diet and lose that weight off

(10yrs)you should get braces so you have a prettier smile *I then stop smiling in pictures and just make silly faces* can you just smile

(7-12yrs) if you don't finish your food you can't get up from the table *SAME PERSON WHO WOULD CONSTANTLY BODY SHAME ME*

(19yrs)*I lose weight bc of depression* youre too skinny now you should gain your weight back, you looked better when you had a butt

another family member: omg look how much weight you lost you look so sexy now

(13-19yrs)*I get up to snack on something* didn't you already eat, youre gonna gain more weight

(7-13yrs) you never do anything right, ill do it, move youre in my way, you are so useless

(16yrs)*context: I was wearing a cropped turtleneck with high waisted skinny jeans* why are you wearing that, you kids want to dress like adults so bad

diff fam member: no let her be, if she steps out the house like that let her deal with the lash back of weirdos lookin at her(justifying that if I'm sexualized it's my fault and if someone were to harass or bother me it's because I wore what I wore)

(17yrs) you spend so much time with your friends and never with your dad, you really think your friends are going to stick around for you, they won't care about you in a couple years

(8yrs) *misbehaving but not diff from any other 8 yr old* that's why your dad is going to leave you

(18yrs)*dad calls me out to talk to fam on zoom and at this point im already distant with them* hi [my name], oh! hi [my cousin] how are you omg you look so beautiful recently tell us about this that this.

these comments still play in my head to this day, they hit the hardest when I don't have the energy to

these comments lead to me having a horrible relationship with food where id over indulge or just not eat at all

these comments run in my head when I can't get a task done properly

these comments run through my head when I dress myself for the day

these comments cause me to overshare when I am being misunderstood

these comments make me believe that I am not good enough to be loved

these comments made me feel unwanted, put aside, invisible

these comments are used as fuel by my own mind, when im failing at my goals

who ever finds this list and read through it, I warn you to be cautious of everything you say around them...

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endlesssadness · 1 year

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I'm 27 and stil don't really understand the relationship with my parents. I still have the feeling "when will I be an adult?" but the real question is "when did I stop being a child?". I know I was 11 and was tied up to this stupid hospital bed begging my mom to end my life because of the pain I felt in my hips. While my brother grow higher and getting skinnier I grow higher and bigger. When I was in the hospital at 11 a doctor told to my mom she should give me 1 apple and 1 joghurt a day and I will start losing weight. I was 11! My mom still shakes her head over the words of the doctor but I'm sure she thought about to try it. Every summer I cried and hide my belly in big hoodies and all my mom and dad is telling me I need to stop eating and losing weight. Goddam I was still a child. My brother never needed to do something he doesn't want to. But I had to go to "fat-camps" and talking with strangers from the health insurance about my eating habits. "Food need to be less important for her" she said to my mom. Since I can think back is food the most important thing in my life. Always hungry. Never enough to feel full. Always feeling shitty after eating something unhealthy. When I was 19 the doctors finally had a answer for my uncontrolled weight gain. PCOS. That bitch. "Lose weight" they said after I tried 3 times taking hormones and ended up every time in the ER because of excessive bleeding. My fucking ex showed me how to starve and I lost 40kg in 5 month. He controlled every single bite I took and got me from one ED to another ED. But that's a whole other story. Of course my parents where so proud of me because I became smaller and smaller. But than they needed to pay for the therapist because I was close to go super crazy. After leaving my ex I was completly lost. How should I eat now? My therapist told me first care about your mental health. And with my new bf I started to enjoy food again. I gained 15kg back but still hate every kilo. Before the 15kg I was still overweight and now I'm stuck. I'm starving and binge but my parents still applause when I look little bit smaller that 2 weeks ago. I always thought my parents and I having a good relationship but everything I did, every problem I had I faced it alone. They never helped me. I always felt awkward for who I am. Mom asked me some weeks ago why she shouldn't take me to the ER when I was bleeding so much back in the days. I asked my best friend to bring me and pick me up after the operation. Mom, because you never accepted me for who I was. And still I can't say the truth to you because you will never understand it from my point of the view. You were never the mom I needed and deserved. I'm still struggling to allow feelings. When I start to feel happy I shut myself down the next second. YOU and dad never showed me to accept myself bc you didn't accept me for who I was. When I was 15-16 years I walked down the stairs and the family computer was on. Google was open and the search bar said "help my daughter keep gaining weight". HELP??? WTF HELP?????? You needed help??? I was so shocked I pretended nothing happend like always. My mask, my acting was so perfect that both of you were so shocked and surprised when I told you after 9 years that I'm so depressed I was close end my life before I went abroad for 3 month. When I was a child I was so so shy. I always hide behind my parents legs and when I visit friends, even as a teen, I couldn't barely saying "hello" to their parents when I met them. My mom and dad always forced me to play with stranger children but I don't wanted and I just felt so uncomfortable. "Be like her, act like him, just go and say hello, ask if they want to play with you, just be nice,..." I WAS NEVER THE CHILD YOU WANTED. I still try to accept this and I still try to understand why my parents did this all. Why I needed to grow up so fast. Why?

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