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leviiattacks · 3 years

Note

CASHIER LEVI AND LIKE THE READER IS THE CUSTOMER AND IT’S LIKE THEY HAVE A CRUSH ON EACHTOHER

author note :: honestly not my best at all..... like at all..... this was actually pretty good but the entire draft got deleted and i just lost all my effort but i felt bad for starting it and not completing it for anon so you may take whatever i have managed to salvage. i hope u enjoy it :’( i am extremely sick rn and yeah writing is the only break i am currently getting from anything :-) SO AGAIN I’ M SORRY ANON..... i may write a 10k + word fic on this though so i can redeem myself bc this is just disappointing 😭

word count :: 3.3k

every single thursday you stop by ackermart. maybe it’s because the day is convenient for you or perhaps it’s because of a certain cashier that works the evenings...

HAHA it’s got nothing to do with a cashier why would it have anything to do with a cashier? :-)

today is like any other. you walk through the fresh produce aisle then proceed to make your way towards the bakery section picking up a loaf of bread

it’s stupid, you know it is but... you think you’ve worked up enough courage to speak to him today!!

and who is him you may ask?

levi at till number four. his tired eyes always happen to pierce into yours and his calloused thumbs brush past your skin when you hand him your rewards card

levi is what his bright red name tag says and although he doesn’t look like a levi you’d like to think your crush isn’t stealing someone’s identity so you believe that it’s his real name

anxiously fiddling with your basket you’re beginning to think this was a horrible idea

the girl ahead of you is flirting up a storm with him and although he’s not reciprocating it by any means you still feel deterred

levi bags the last of her groceries and looks up at her when she asks for a way to contact him. he doesn’t look mad... just bored?

“ma’am. this is an ackermart i don’t think it’s appropriate you ask me for my number. the customer service line is listed on our website.”

the woman raises a brow looking completely flabbergasted. okay, if everything before this wasn’t a warning THIS sure was

she stomps off when she realises levi isn’t kidding and you think you’d feel bad for her maybe if she was more respectful about it

“next customer.” levi calls over his shoulder and you shuffle forward pretending to be engrossed in your phone

“cash or card?” he asks plainly.

you hear the BEEP of your groceries being scanned and think on it for a while before replying with “cash”

you’re clearly pretty good at your pretend to be totally into your phone act because levi tries to get your attention but you don’t hear what he has to say till the third time he repeats himself

but even then you’re still unsure what it is he’s said????

looking down you see his hand is stuck out in front of you and now you’re even more confused

faltering for a second you look at his palm and then speak

“um, i guess your hand is nice? it’s pretty big compared to the rest of you actually.”

“i was asking for your cash?” he says and now you look at his palms in mortification

gasping you yANK your hand into your purse as you laugh awkwardly fishing around to find your money

“oh, OH i knew that. just kidding!! i mean- i meant that thing about your hand?? but i thought it was- i funny? yes the joke funny? i’m-”

he leans back into his spinning chair and sighs contently. “you’re not making much sense peaches.”

“pe- peaches??” you repeat. no way you’ve heard that correct

levi lazily points at the abundance of the aforementioned fruit in your grocery bags

“you must love em.”

“i, well yeah i do like peaches but i also like...” um??? what food would make you look sophisticated and professional?

OH YEAH

“FRENCH CUISINE :-)!!!!” you say rather proudly

“...cool. i guess.” levi hands you your grocery bag which is basically an invitation asking for you to get out

he doesn’t seem mad but he’s definitely going to look back at this encounter and laugh his ass off at how stupid you are

hanging your head down low in embarrassment you make your way out towards your car

there’s always next time!! maybe you can practice in the mirror yeah that does sound like it would help!!!

okay so.

it is officially next time.

actually you never got the opportunity to practice in front of the mirror because you chickened out of looking like an idiot even if it was in the privacy of your own home

but!!! you did try to practice some cool pick up lines because who doesn’t like a good pickup line or two??

the two mini milk cartons in your hand and the pack of doughnuts you have tucked under your arm aren’t too heavy so you aren’t too worried about having to wait in the line

for some reason the guy in front of you keeps turning around and glancing at you as if you don’t even exist

you are not casper the ghost

also casper is a little boy and you definitely aren’t a little boy

finally after a good five minutes the man ahead of you is having his stuff scanned but he’s STILL doing it. even levi notices and gives him an odd look which borders annoyance and anger.

“can i pay for your groceries? maybe walk you to your car?” the stranger asks suddenly

so that’s what this is, he’s simply taken an interest in you

my god this is new but it is uncomfortable and you’d rather say no

“oh, i actually walked here and no thanks i can pay for my own. enjoy the rest of your day!!” you hope your white lie is enough to fool the man but instead of agreeing as any other person would he looks majorly deceived

“i saw you in the parking lot.” ok this is getting a bit too uncomfortable for your liking

“c’mon i’m offering to buy your shit too?”

his voice is raising and you’re not sure what exactly you can do but thankfully for you the manager steps in and takes him away before any more threats can be made

the man had taken up so much of your attention you almost forgot levi was even there until you turned back around

“do you want a member of staff to accompany you to your car? it’s getting dark out.” levi’s comment helps ease your nerves and you try to laugh off what just happened

“i’m good :-)” you say shaking a little. you’re unsure if it’s the cold or the fact you still haven’t completely calmed down

“you sure peaches?”

“i haven’t bought any peaches this time.”

“you’re still peaches to me.” your cheeks flush at his confidence

wait, maybe this is your chance. you’re the last person in his line and they’re closing up for the day so...

“could you walk me to my car?”

and to your surprise even before you can take back what you’ve said levi agrees

it stays like that for a while.

every thursday levi walks you to your car by the end of his shift, all the while the two of you exchange a few words together

like last week you asked him what his favourite colour was (he said purple) you’ve learnt about his hobbies (he’s a decent cook), you’ve even found out about some of his own personal problems. he had mentioned suffering with insomnia in passing.

to be honest each and every time he walks you to your car he has to notice that you begin to park further and further away from the front entrance. but if he does notice he doesn’t say a word about it

“is that all you’re checking out?” you ask with a cheeky grin plastered across your face

looking down at your new dress your lopsided grin is far from fading away any time soon. you especially picked this one out after asking levi what his favourite colour was last week

god. this is so embarrassing but never actually have you had a crush this huge

levi who’s sat behind the counter shoots you a look which almost seems to be on the verge of uninterested. he isn’t entertaining this at all or this is just his typical bored face, you can’t really tell

BUT..... you still have a huge crush on him and you aren’t one to give up this easily

for the record you don’t harass him or anything, just the occasional hint is thrown around but he’s either really dense or doesn’t care

his expression does you no favours, you can’t tell what he’s thinking half the time

“you’re always buying energy drinks... might want to cut down on those they’re no good for you.”

warmth blooms in your chest. he’s just saying it to make small talk but the fact he even thinks to bring that up has your heart fluttering

“i- well- yeah i will!! just have a few overdue essays to get over with :-)” twiddling your thumbs together you think that makes your nerves too obvious so you begin to scratch at the back of your neck

if anything is a dead give away it’s your constant neck scratching, thankfully levi hasn’t picked up on it

“so you wore purple today?” his eyes linger on the thin straps of your dress and you feel the goosebumps rise up onto your skin immediately

“oh yeahhhh-”

“did i tell you yellow was my favourite colour last week?” he asks holding up a neon yellow pack of crisps and for the first time you see him smile

he looks so ?!|>\€|^ pretty ?!/)/&

wait?? yellow??

“didn’t you say purple?”

“no?” he crosses his arms playfully over his chest thinking for a bit

“maybe i did but no it’s really yellow.” he says as he hands you your bag

nodding your head you smile “yeahhhh sure it is.”

damn, now you’re going to have to find a yellow dress just to make him revert back to purple because who even likes yellow?? that’s a deal breaker right there??

update

it’s been two weeks!!

and a yellow dress has been found and secured B-)

it’s been a pretty rough day at work and you need to desperately collect a pack of green tea and get going

you don’t know when exactly being a secretary meant you had to babysit your boss’ children but that’s what the last week has entailed

being made to work overtime to this extent has had an effect on you and you’re ready to head home as soon as you swing by ackermart

not seeing levi for a week made you a little :-( because to be honest he’s the highlight of your thursday evening BUT!! you’ll be able to see him today at least

walking in through the entrance you’re met with connie smiling right at you, he holds the door open for you and smile back greeting him

“so you didn’t come last week...?”

it’s weird for him to ask that, after all you don’t really speak to anyone here apart from levi, you’re surprised you’re enough of a regular to be known by name

“oh i didn’t think anyone would notice? but yeah i had to work overtime you know what boss’ are like.” groaning you crouch down and look at the pot noodles on display

“i didn’t notice it. boss man did.”

“boss man?” you ask feeling out of loop

“levi.” connie answers as he hops into the backroom

????

isn’t he just a cashier??

“you still look confused.” connie remarks as he heads back out with a cardboard box full of pringle’s tubes

“levi’s the boss man, this is his store. he literally only ever mans the cash register on thursday evening because of you.”

at that you start laughing because it makes no sense at all to you

there’s no way connie is being serious

“good one.” you say as you stand up with a chicken flavored noodle in your hand

“i’m not kidding?”

turning around you give him a skeptical look

he sighs and shakes his head.

“listen. me and the part timers are tired of making bets on when he’ll give you his number and i bet that it would happen today so if you could confess to each other that would be perfect!!!”

“who said i like-”

“anyone with a brain can tell you both like each other.” he’s rolled his eyes so far into the back of his head you begin to take him a little more seriously now

“i... did i make it that obvious??” you’re directly facing him trying to get out as much information as you can

“yeah. very. at least levi wasn’t as bold.”

“i think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick he definitely doesn’t like me.”

connie gives you an “are you fucking with me?” look and you look away trying to distract yourself with the the canned goods lining the shelves

“he was worried sick when you didn’t come in for the entire week. he even asked me if he scared you away.”

“maybe i’m just his favourite customer?”

“favourite customer my ass he has a crush on YOU. confess.”

playing around with the ends of your sleeves connie sees he’s fighting a losing battle unless he gives you definitive solid proof

“please... i’ll get free barbecue if i win the bet and i’m kinda broke rn :-(” okay, you do want connie to eat well and be treated and maybe this is a good thing. if levi doesn’t like you then you can move on!!

“i’ll think about it.”

before connie can continue talking you make a beeline towards the tea aisle whilst throwing a “see you next time!” over your shoulder.

by the time you’ve gathered all of your groceries your basket is full to the brim. you’ve been lingering as much as you can out of fear but you think you’ve collected just enough courage to ask for his number

looking at the cash register levi is sat there and your shoulders slump. he’s probably going to say no and you’re going to look like a huge loser.

right as you’re about to take a step towards him levi finally spots you and gives you one look before standing up from his seat

“hi!” you wave at him

“...hey!” he smiles wide but he bites it back pretending it was never there in the first place

placing your basket in front of him he eyes what you’ve got

“hm... lots of peaches as per usual peaches.” the nickname that rolls of his tongue makes you tremble a little. will he call you that after you fuck everything up with this stupid confession?

his tongue pokes at the inside of his cheek when he gets to the heart shaped box of chocolates

“a gift for a friend? didn’t know you had those?” he teases as he scans the barcode

“gift for a crush!” you reply back enthusiastically as you dig through your wallet looking for your card

levi doesn’t respond for a few seconds and an awkward silence fills the air. you glance up to see him looking at you open mouthed in shock

“good luck.” he murmurs under his breath he’s not even returning your gaze at this point and is hurriedly scanning through your barcodes

“you okay?” you ask worrying about his mood

“yeah, yeah. great.” he’s quieter than usual.

the rest of your encounter is the same, levi silently bags your groceries and you can’t tell if this is a good or bad response.

just as he’s about to place the heart shaped box into your plastic bag you lunge forward holding his wrist to stop him

“no i don’t need those.”

he cocks his eyebrow upwards trying to analyse your expression and gain an understanding of your thoughts

“don’t tell me you’re chickening out. whoever it is will say yes.” he scoffs as he places the chocolates into the bag handing them over to you with a warm smile

there it is again. the fear returns and you swipe your tongue over your slightly dry lips.

no way.

is he telling you to confess to someone now? so he must not like you?

taking the bag away from him you scratch your neck out of habit and huff feeling frustrated

“he keeps giving me mixed signals.” you say hoping he catches your drift

“give him the chocolates and let him put two and two together. don’t even say anything.” his advice would be great if he weren’t the guy you were trying to confess to in real time

nodding you reach into the bag and bring the box back out before gently placing it in front of levi

“are you serious?” he asks and your face drops seeing the possible displeasure in his eyes

great, connie and the part timers just over analysed he doesn’t like you, obviously he doesn’t like you, why would he like you?

without looking back you hurry out, the embarrassment is eating you away now and the thought of ever returning to ackermart isn’t even feasible in your mind

at this point you may as well change your name, identity, dye your hair, have a few children and wear sunglasses the next time you come back so you look like a soccer mum and not the foolish y/n who thought they had a chance with their cute CASHIER???

god, you probably look like a creep

the sound of footsteps can be heard behind you and labored breaths follow before levi calls out for you

“please wait up.” he grumbles. slowing down your pace you let him catch up to you. he grabs at your wrist and sighs in relief

turning you see him savour the air

is this the part where he confesses he likes you too or—

“your receipt you forgot it.” he gasps as he opens your hand for you and places it into your palm

oh.

fingers clasping shut onto the paper you feel the humiliation seep into your pores

this.

is.

the.

worst.

moment.

of.

your.

life.

“open it.” he offer you a boyish smile and your nerves don’t let you find comfort in it

you grimace as you fold it open, you’re imagining he’s charged you an extra £100 for having unwanted feelings for him and if that’s the case you’ll die on the spot

but instead your eyes light up in joy. you’re pleasantly surprised

...

inside of the receipt is his phone number haphazardly sprawled across in black biro - you even double check by comparing it to the number for the customer service helpline

hello??

HELLO.?.!/)£ HIS NUMBER???

“if you just wanted to return the chocolate this is embarrassing.” he’s the one who’s now scratching at his neck and you find that he’s endearing this way

the streetlight from above illuminates him, the shadows cast over his face and his brows aren’t furrowed as they usually are

you open your mouth to reply but connie cuts you off unintentionally. he can be heard YELLING into his phone ecstatic that his plan has worked out

“I WIN!!! HA BBQ’S ON YOU JEAN!! MUST SUCK TO BE YOU.”

you and levi look at each other and laugh, reassuring the other of what has just happened.

well...

you guess this is the start of something new? maybe??

:-)

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beneaththemasks · 3 years

Text

hey I promised this a long time ago but my depressed ass didn't let me write so

Analyzing Atsushi and Akutagawa pt.2

cw: dazai hate and beast spoilers

previous part here

first of all I want to clarify that this has been sitting in my drafts for nearly a whole year so yeah it's very likely that I might forget some important details but I'll try to get to my initial point anyways.

a few month ago when I decided to reread beast for a second time (after realising I hadn't paid much attention to it the first time) I came up with all these ideas of how and why Dazai decided to pair Akutagawa and Atsushi together.

again, this analysis is going to be a very real-life-based interpretation on the characters and the whole plot probably. so don't really pay much attention if I mix stuff from the light novels with stuff from the main plot bc the point is basically analyse why their relationship was built.

parting from the final scenes of the beast novel that end with Dazai telling Atsushi and Akutagawa that he needed to make them fight each other in order to protect the world he had created for Oda inside the book, I tried to tie a few ends that were hanging lose for a while in my head.

now, you can read this however you like (be it me being just stupid or whatever) but, ever since we got to see part of how Dazai treated Akutagawa back in the Port Mafia I kept finding myself going through the same problem over and over again to try and understand why the hell was he so fucking obsessed with making him physically stronger rather than, you know, actually focusing on training him as a whole good and worthy subordinate.

why did dazai, being as smart and manipulative as he is, made such a rudimentary mistake of only teaching akutagawa how to strengthen his ability if he knew the boy was a killing machine?

I think you can understand then why the part where Dazai makes them fight each other in beast was even MORE confusing to me...

but that's not all there is to it.

Dazai not only failed (?) to train Akutagawa but he did succeed in training Atsushi??

well, as much as we love to see a character growing and as much as you'd like to attribute it to him leaving the mafia, I don't really think that was the reason. after all, as I already said, Dazai is very smart and has always been, he probably already had it all planned back in the port mafia.

and here's where my galaxy brain starts to think.

right from the start, the whole Dazai's subordinates deal felt very strange and inconsistent to me. I never understood why would he loose so much for Akutagawa and obsess so much with pointing out the fact that Atsushi was better than him when he was no longer part of the PM therefore he supposedly shouldn't mind about wether Akutagawa was good bad or whatever.

it started getting very dense to me tbh but that's not important

enter beast, a world where Dazai can literally do almost anything he wants, and what does he do? the boy goes and straight up fucks up akutagawa and atsushi for the second time makes akutagawa and atsushi hate each other and hold the weight of the world in their hands. again.

ok this was getting VERY annoying, plus their fight was so so so painful to read that it literally made me wonder what was the point in forcing them to face their trauma in such a cruel way at a moment like that.

thankfully there was a reason... but it never clarified precisely WHY FIGHT EACH OTHER.

if Dazai never taught Akutagawa how to be a better and sharper person because he didn't really know how, that was not a problem in beast. because Oda was there to do it. Oda could have taught Akutagawa what Dazai lacked as a mentor.

then, if Dazai wanted Atsushi to protect the book, he could've literally ask him without any need to involve Akutagawa.

but then, the whole point of why Dazai took Akutagawa in the first time "in the original world" and the reason behind why he also took Atsushi would've been lost.

Dazai is, indeed, a mastermind.

he knows what's necessary to make a world where people like Oda can live and write. he knows, probably better than anyone, that god doesn't care about things like balance and harmony. that he'd have to create it himself.

after all, coherency is one of the rules of the book.

Akutagawa and Atsushi fail their mission against Fukuchi (probably at Aku's life cost) in the main plot because that happened in the same world where Oda and Gide die after fighting for the same goal. a world where only those who fight and have the talent will prevail.

Dazai knows very well that, in that world, balance and harmony will never exist.

that's why Dazai creates a new world instead, where Atsushi and Akutagawa never team up and try to kill each other instead. a world where they force each other to recognize their flaws and admit their mistakes, a world where they'll have to learn how to live on with it no matter what they want to protect the world.

protect the world by proving that both sides of the same coin can fit, that none is better than the other.

so yeah, basically, the events that take place in "the original world" are proof to Dazai that god doesn't care about good or evil, that the only ones that will prevail are those who fight for their right to live (and this also probably explains why Atsushi and Akutagawa will never win as long as they fight without acknowledging what they have in front of them).

therefore, he decides to create a world where Oda won't have to fight to live because Atsushi and Akutagawa will fight but won't have to kill each other to prove their existence. they'll simply accept that both sides of the coin can exist even if they're weak, afraid or bad and that will be enough to give birth to a new world order.

there's actually more than this. in fact, there are a lot of reasons why Akutagawa and Atsushi are important for each other despite Dazai's plans and the world's destiny. however, since it'd be too confusing to try explaining it all in the same post sooo I'll be leaving that for a 3rd part.

#bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd beast #bsd dazai #bsd atsushi #bsd akutagawa #sskk #can't believe it took me so long to write this #and I still couldn't say what I wanted bc it's too long #analysis time

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beecherdrysdale · 3 years

Text

Project Partners - Brendan Brisson

Hey guys, so here’s a fic I started like a month ago and then kind of forgot about. Please send feedback bc I’m trying to improve my writing skills! Also, covid doesn’t exist in this.

warnings: language, underage drinking, that’s all i think?

///

“Y/L/N and Brisson.” You groan as you hear your professor name your partner for the term-long project. Of course you know who Brendan Brisson is. You had grown up as a huge hockey fan, so of course you had been watching the draft when he got drafted by the Golden Knights, and of course you had seen him playing for Team USA at World Juniors. From what you could tell of him, he seemed like the kind of guy who would make you do all the work and use hockey as an excuse as to why he couldn’t help. That’s too bad for him though, because he’s not the only varsity athlete, and swimming takes up just as much time, if not more, than hockey. Your professor continues to drone on about the project requirements as you contemplate why you even decided to take this course in the first place.

Finally, class ends, and you see Brendan walking toward you. “Hey, you’re Y/N, right? I’m Brendan,” he introduces himself.

“Yeah, I’m Y/N. Guess I’m stuck with you for the rest of the semester, huh.”

“Yeah, so I just wanted to let you know I have hock-” he started.

“Save it, Brisson,” you cut him off, “you’re not the only athlete here, OK?”

“Wow, someone really woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

“Sorry,” you sigh, “I’m just really tired of having to do all the work in group projects. I did it enough in high school, and I’m just so done with everyone’s excuses y’know?”

“Well, what I was trying to say is that I have hockey a lot so we should coordinate our schedules to work around it.” He pauses a second, then adds, “And whatever sport you play.”

“Swimming,” you supply.

“What?” He looks confused.

“Swimming is the sport I do,” you clarify. “Anyways, does the library at 8 on Tuesdays and Thursdays work for you? Besides when you have games or I have meets obviously.”

“Yeah that works.”

��Ok, see you tomorrow then,” you reply, turning to leave.

“Wait!” he stops you. “Can I get your number or snap or something in case I need to talk to you?”

“Yeah, sure,” you reply, quickly typing them into his phone.

“Thanks! See you tomorrow at 8,” he says before jogging to catch up to his friends.

///

The next day when you get to the library, the first thing you hear is, “You’re late. Where were you?”

“Sorry we got out of practice late and then I had to shower cuz chlorine and then I couldn’t find my hat and I didn’t want to go outside without it cuz my hair would freeze...” you begin to ramble.

“Hey, calm down, I was joking. You’re literally only like 2 minutes late.”

“Ok but I lowkey still feel bad.”

“Seriously, it’s fine,” he says, “Come on, let’s choose our topic.”

“Ok,” you respond, “so I don’t know if you have any ideas but I was thinking maybe we could do the effect of hockey on the Cold War? Cuz like you play hockey and I watch it all the time. Plus, I did a research paper on it in high school, so we could pull info from that and it shouldn’t be too hard.”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” he says, seeming distracted. “Hey, why didn’t you tell me you’re a big hockey fan?”

“Ummm, cuz you never asked? You’ve literally only spoken like 3 words to me before yesterday so I don’t know why I would tell you.”

“Ok, I guess that’s true,” he responds. He then proceeds to quiz you about hockey, seemingly trying to make sure you’re an actual fan and not just trying to use hockey to get to him like some other girls he knows. You seem to pass his test, because it’s not long before the two of you are messing around, making fun of each other’s taste in hockey teams. Two hours later, the two of you have gotten to know each other a lot better, but you haven’t even started your project.

“Shit,” you say, checking the time on your phone, “I gotta go. I still have to help my friend with her math and I have morning practice tomorrow.

“Ok, I’ll see you tomorrow in class,” he says. “And Y/N?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t be late.”

“Omg shut up. You’re not funny,” you say playfully, as he laughs his ass off.

“You know I am,” he shoots back.

“Sure, Brisson, whatever you say. I’ll see you tomorrow,” you say as you leave.

///

After a few more library sessions, the animosity between you and Brendan which, you admit, was your fault had completely dissipated. The two of you quickly learn you actually have a lot in common, like your love of sports and your music taste, and despite his fratboy vibes you quickly grow to trust him. That’s why you don’t hesitate to say yes when he asks if you can meet at the hockey house to work on your project instead of in the library.

When you arrive at the house, you are greeted by the sound of the entire hockey team arguing over whose turn it is to make dinner. “I have to work on my project though,” you can faintly hear Brendan.

“It’s OK Brisson, sounds like you have more important things to do. We’re somehow ahead of schedule anyway,” you say, entering the kitchen.

“Seriously Y/L/N?” he groans. “You were supposed to be on my side.”

“Sorry,” you say, shrugging.

Your apology is interrupted by Cam, “Hey Brisson, who’s this? Wanna introduce us to your new girlfriend?”

“Funny,” you say. “We’re just friends. We got assigned to work on this project together. Isn’t he wheeling like 3-4 girls a weekend anyways?”

“Hey,” Brendan protests. “You make it sound like a bad thing. I only do what they want.”

“Beside the point Brisson,” Johnny jumps in. “Just introduce us to your new friend.

“Fine,” he groans. “Guys, this is Y/N. Y/N, these are the guys. Now,” he says, grabbing your arm and dragging you toward the stairs, trying to make his escape, “let’s go work on our project.”

“Not so fast, Brisson,” Nolan cuts in. “You’re making dinner. Y/N said it’s fine.”

Brendan sighs in response.

“C’mon,” you say. “I’ll help you. I promise it’s not that hard.”

Brendan begrudgingly follows you back to the kitchen as the rest of the guys scatter. You begin to pull the ingredients to make tacos, which thankfully they have, out of the fridge. “Here,” you say, tossing Brendan a tomato. “Can you dice this?”

The two of you work in silence for a few minutes before you decide to turn some music on. As you turn to reach for your phone, you glance over to see Brendan’s pile of tomatoes. “Seriously, Brisson?” you ask, staring at the haphazard pile in dismay. “Have you ever cut a tomato before? I had better cutting skills than that in preschool.” You hear a few guys snicker from the other room at that. After showing him how to cut it properly and turning on your Spotify, you continue to work, chirping Brendan occasionally. Once you and Brendan finish making dinner, you call the rest of the guys back into the kitchen to come eat.

As the guys eat, they drill you with questions, trying to find out as much as they can about Brendan’s “project partner.” You answer all their questions, and by the end of dinner you fit in seamlessly with the boys, even joining in their good-natured chirping of one another. Eventually, you have to leave, but the boys are quick to let you know you’re always welcome back whether it’s for your food or your company, you don’t know before you go.

///

As soon as you leave, all eyes are on Brendan. “So Briss, you wanna tell us about your new girlfriend?” Nolan asks.

“She said it herself, we’re just friends. We’re working on a project together,” Brendan is quick to reply.

“Sure...” Cam counters. “Friends don’t look at friends like that Brisson.”

“Like what?” Brendan asks.

“Like she hung the stars in the sky or some shit like that,” Johnny responds. “Look Briss, just go for it. It’s not like she’s gonna say no, she literally looks at you the same way.”

“But she would say no,” Brendan protests. “She’s the one who said we’re just friends first so obviously she doesn’t like me like that. Why should I go for someone who’s gonna reject me when I an go to a party and pick up whatever girl I want, like she said?”

“Because you can’t get whatever girl you want, Brisson. She’s the one you want. We can all see it,” Johnny replies.

“Ok you know what, fuck off. Leave me alone. The two of us are just friends,” Brendan reaches his breaking point. At that, the guys let it drop, Brendan’s outburst giving them all the proof they need.

///

Meanwhile, you are back in your dorm chastising yourself. Why did you have to say you and Brendan are just friends? You know any chance you had of him liking you back is now gone, because he thinks you only think of him as a friend. You debate what to do, even going so far as to pick up your phone and tap on his contact, before changing your mind and getting ready for bed. Guys like him don’t go for girls like you anyway or so you think. You’re sure he wants one of those perfect girlfriends who are always put together and dress cute, not some athlete who always walks around in sweats, and the last thing you want to do is fuck up your friendship by confessing. You ignore the feeling of jealousy that rises in your chest when you think of Brendan with another girl and force yourself to go to sleep.

///

It’s not even two days before you get a snap from Nolan asking if you want to go to a party with all of the guys. You agree immediately because you don’t have morning practice tomorrow and your plans with friends got cancelled and you’ve secretly been looking for an excuse to see Brendan outside of working on your project.

That night, you try to dress extra cute, even going so far as to ask your roommate to help you choose your outfit as she seems to have no problems picking up guys. You finally settle on an outfit and hurry out the door, wanting to make sure you get to the party on time so you can meet the guys outside and not have to walk in alone. As you walk out the door, you hear your roommate call, “Have fun! Be safe! Use a condom!” You flip her off as the door closes.

When you get to the party, you see the guys outside waiting for you. “Hey Y/N,” you hear a couple guys say.

“Heyyy,” you reply, as you guys start heading toward the house. Brendan lags behind the group, eyes trailing down your body. As much as he loved the fact that you wore what you wanted read: sweats and didn’t try to be a Barbie doll, he had to admit seeing you like this was hot. He hurries to reach the rest of the group, deciding you were standing just a little too close to Cam for his liking. He may not be able to be with you, but he sure as hell wasn’t gonna watch you date one of his teammates. He catches up and wraps an arm around your shoulders.

“Hey Brisson,” you greet. “What’s up? You learned how to cut a tomato yet?”

“Haha, very funny Y/L/N,” he responds.

“Oh come on, you know it was,” you protest.

As soon as you guys enter the house Johnny says, “I’m going to get a drink. Anyone want one?”

“Yeah, can you get me a Natty?” you’re quick to respond. “But please make sure it’s closed.”

A couple other guys request drinks, and Johnny goes to get them while the rest of you head further inside. You stay with the guys pretty much the whole night, not wanting to get separated because you know what happens to girls who are at parties alone.

At some point in the night you guys end up near the beer pong table, and when it’s Brendan’s turn he makes you be his partner not that you’re complaining and drags you over to the table. The two of you quickly get on a winning streak and you end up winning the tournament you got pulled into. At this point you’re pretty drunk, so you don’t hesitate to go along with it when Brendan hugs you, the two of you stumbling a little bit. Both of you are reluctant to let go, reveling in the feeling of each other, as each of you thinks the other doesn’t like you back so you’ll never get to experience the feeling again.

You and the guys stay at the party a little longer before they realize how drunk you are because you had had more beers than any of them and decide its time to leave. All the guys come with you back to your dorm in order to make sure you get back safe, a gesture both you and your roommate thank them for before they leave.

///

It’s a couple weeks later and you’re hanging out with the guys, as has become usual for you, when Johnny ask, “Hey Y/L/N, how come you never come to any of our games? I thought Brisson said you’re a big hockey fan.”

“Yeah, I am,” you reply, “I just usually have swim when you guys have games. Plus you guys never invite me so...”

“Well we kinda assumed you already knew you were invited,” Nolan says. “You’re always welcome at our games, and if you tell us you’re coming we can probably get you good seats.”

“OK, well we actually don’t have swim practice on Friday for some reason, so I can probably come,” you say. “I’ll try to drag my roommate to come with too.”

The boys groan, “Really, Y/N? You want us to get two tickets? Do you know how much work that is?” before quickly revealing that they’re joking and telling you that of course they’ll get you two tickets.

///

True to the boys’ word, when Johnny sits next to you in your class together on Friday, he hands you an envelope with two tickets. “What are you wearing to the game tonight?” he asks with a plan up his sleeve.

“I don’t know,” you respond. “Probably my Michigan swimming hoodie.”

“You wear that everywhere though,” he protests.

“Yeah, so?” you fire back. “It’s a Michigan hoodie. School spirit.”

“Or you could wear this,” he says pulling something out of his backpack. He unfolds it to reveal that it’s one of Brendan’s hockey hoodies.

“Doesn’t he need that for the game tonight?” you ask.

“No, he has two,” Johnny replies. “Now stop trying to get out of wearing it. You have to wear something hockey related to support us.”

“Ugh fine,” you give in, knowing Johnny will be persistent.

///

That evening, you arrive at the arena with your roommate, begrudgingly wearing the hoodie with “Brisson” boldly stamped across your back. You are not enjoying yourself, because knowing what it feels like to wear Brendan’s sweatshirt and smell his cologne makes you all the more aware that this will never be your reality. Nevertheless, you force a smile on your face as you and your roommate sit down to watch warmups. You can feel the energy in the arena even now, before the game begins, as UMich is playing rival school Ohio State.

Once warmups are over you and your roommate go to use the bathroom and get snacks. The line for the bathroom is so long you don’t think you’ll make it back to your seats before the game starts, but thankfully you get to them just a second before puck drop. The game gets off to a rough start, with Ohio State scoring twice early, but by the end of the first the guys have picked up their pace, and you hope that they’ll be able to tie it up in the second.

After intermission, the boys come out guns blazing. Brendan scores just 30 seconds in to the period off an offensive zone face-off win. As he cellies, he makes eye contact with you up in the stands. “He is so into you!” your roommate squeals when she notices.

“No he’s not, shut up,” you reply, turning your focus back to the game. The guys stay on the forecheck pretty much the whole period, and it finally pays off when Johnny scores with 5 minutes left to play in the second. When the period ends and the guys head back to the locker room, the game is tied 2-2.

The third period begins with an Ohio State faceoff win, and they quickly get off a shot attempt. Thankfully, the shot goes wide and play continues. The teams go back and forth all period getting good scoring chances, but neither team is able to capitalize. It looks like the game is going to go to overtime, but then Brendan scores again with just 43 seconds remaining. Once again, he makes eye contact with you and smiles as he cellies, and once again your roommate freaks out and says that he definitely likes you. You make her shut up and start to grab your stuff as the final seconds wind down.

“Woah, slow down. Where are we going?” she asks.

“The guys told me to meet them outside the locker rooms,” you say, beginning to lead the way.

///

When you get to the hallway outside the locker room, you lean up against the wall and start scrolling through Insta as you wait for the guys to come out. Eventually the guys slowly begin trickling out of the locker room and heading over to their various girlfriends gathered in the hallway as all the single guys congregate around you, but you ignore them so you don’t get dragged into one of their arguments.

Finally, you see Brendan come out of the locker room so you put your phone away and push your body away from the wall. He starts to make a beeline toward you and does a double take when he realizes you’re wearing one of his sweatshirts. The guys had been bugging him for weeks to ask you out and he had been thinking of maybe doing it tonight, but seeing you in his sweatshirt has finally given him the confidence to make a move. As he reaches you, you say, “Hey Briss.”

“Hey,” he replies, and then his lips are on yours, and you don’t know where this is coming from but you’ve been wanting it for a while now so of course you kiss back, and it just feels so right you don’t ever want to stop. When you finally break apart, all the guys are cheering and whistling and you hear a couple guys mutter “finally”.

As the guys quiet down, you ask Brendan, “What was that for?”

“Shit, sorry, I shouldn’t have done it,” he panics, thinking you were mad, even though you kissed back so you obviously weren’t.

“No, I liked it,” comes your reply. “It just kinda came out of nowhere.”

“Oh,” he calms down. “Well I’ve been wanting to ask you out for a while now, but I was kinda nervous so I kept putting it off. But then you looked really hot in my hoodie, so I just went for it.”

“Yes,” you say.

“Yes, what?” he asks, looking confused.

“You said you wanted to ask me out. I said yes,” you explain.

“Ok, so do you want to go get Chipotle or something tomorrow then?” he asks.

“Yeah, of course,” you reply. “But for now let’s go out and celebrate with the other guys.” He wraps his arm around your shoulders as the two of you walk with the team, and you are finally content.

#brendan brisson #umich #brendan brisson fic #brendan brisson imagine #brendan brisson x reader

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m0onbean · 4 years

Text

tutoring & loving

genre: enemies to lovers!AU, tutor!reader, popular boy!eunwoo, high school!AU, JEALOUSYYYYYYYY, flooooooof!!! angst but it’s okay because angst is wonderful, basically most of my favorite AU’s combined in one

warnings: jealous eunwoo and this AU is much more in depth than the others ones

words: 2.8k

note: this is an old draft that has been sitting in my notes so i thought i would post!! enjoy and I HOPE EUNWOO IS CASTED FOR TRUE BEAUTY!!!

as one of the top students in class, all of your teachers absolutely ADORE YOU

school is pretty smooth for you: you study well, pass tests, socialize with friends....... except for one little threat that makes your life so much more difficult...

Cha Eunwoo.

not only is he one of the most popular boys in your grade, but unfortunately he’s also your seat partner for English and he’s the most annoying person you have ever met

you haven’t given him a reason to disrespect you!! ... okay maybe sometimes when you see him and his group of friends being loud in the hallways you shoot an icy glare....... ok and MAYBE you roll your eyes everytime he says smth dumb in the middle of class

but other than that??? completely innocent you are. but this man doesn’t seem to agree, as he seems to have made his life goal to ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

foe ex. you would be peacefully paying attention in class when suddenly you feel something kick your foot

and when you look up, you see eunwoo “paying attention” to the board and feigning innocence

but you immediately know that he’s just trying to aggravate you because when has this man ever actually paid attention in class??

so you go back to listening when you feel ANOTHER kick and you’re like BITCHoh hell no so you kick him back bc we’re not all perfect human beings let’s be honest

and now y’all are kicking each other back and forth, and everyone can hear the desks shuffling underneath them

he also makes snarky marks constantly when you literally just breathed???

like you would sit down at your seat and he’d be like “Congrats, you’ve somehow managed to choose the ugliest outfit in the world to wear today”

and you respond, “It’s about time i have a turn, you’re wearing the ugliest outfit everyday” and then you just glare at each other until the teacher tells you two to snap out of it

on some days eunwoo will just flat out point out one of your flaws like if your hair is messy or if there’s a stain on your shirt

so one day your English teacher asks to see you after class and you’re like Oh he’s just gonna offer me extra credit ... but instead of doing that he asks right off the bat, “i have another student that needs tutoring, are you willing to take one more?”

for the past month, you’ve already been tutoring a few students your teacher recommends to you. it’s easy money, especially since you’re saving up for college

only this time, you can tell he’s desperate because he’s like “Please (y/n) he’s failing in English and misbehaving in class you’re my only hope!!”

and now you’re like Hawld on..... Why Is He Being So Desperate About This.... like you’re cool with tutoring..... what makes this-

the realization strikes across your face.

who in this school would you would hate teaching??? who is failing in English??? WHO IS THE BANE OF YOUR EXISTENCE. look to: c. e. w.

“ofdjoaaja i’ll give you gummy bears or something” he pleads. and honestly, if you were not so broke, you would’ve spat on his feet and walked out the door. but you need the cash, and you sure do like gummy bears.......

you gracefully relinquish, and your teacher gives you a proud smile. he then goes on to tell you that his mom requested extra help smh why couldn’t she have just hired a tutor i hate rich people.. anyways so yeah pls Help me

so the next day @ school you approach your seat and you see eunwoo sitting on his desk, talking to his friends until he notices you.. and he’s about to open his mouth to probs criticize your untied shoelaces but you interrupt him and are like:

“eunwoo i’m privately tutoring you starting today. Meet at the library after school.”

and he’s just sitting there, jaw dropping to the floor and you’re like :) He’s finally quiet for once...

but little did you know that during class he’d be pestering you with complaints like:“why you??? is there anyone else that can do it???” “i don’t need tutoring.. i’m getting consistent D’s... not a singular F and it ain’t much but it’s honest work”

at a certain point, you get so sick of his complaints and go like “your mom asked for you to be tutored!!! OK i didn’t just ask to tutor you, you dumbfuck.”

and once you mention his mom he just kinda shuts up... and stares at his desk for the rest of the period

ou notice this and recall the teacher telling you that eunwoo’s mom is a tiger mom... you keep this in mind because now you know that making his mom proud might be his motivation

after school, you wait at the library for him inside.. but a couple minutes pass and you’re like ? did he forget ? .

and eventually an hour passes and you’re like nope he’s definitely ditching

and honestly,,, you feel a little betrayed and a little hurt ... but just when you’re about to leave you see him panting and making his way to your table nd you’re like ???????and eunwoo’s like “im so sorry i forgot...”

and you’re like oh? so you didn’t ditch?

and he’s like No!! i just ... forgot.

and you’re like well you little shit don’t forget next time i’ve been sitting here for an hour..but then he reaches something from his pocket and hands it to you and it’s a triangle sushi (it’s super crumbled too...)

and he’s like “i got this to make it up” and you’re like flustered and just weirdly but pleasantly surprised he feels this bad about almost flaking

but you catch yourself slipping and go back to your annoyed tone: “uh-What the fuck are you on?? I-Wh-I’m not hungry. T-thanks tho.”

the first tutoring session is... awful to say the least.

he couldn’t pay attention well and continuously complained and even tried to go off topic

like you’d be asking him what foreshadowing meant and then he’d be like “so.. where’s your family from (y/n)?” 33r*#$&(@$

after an hour of no progress you get frustrated and shut the textbook, about to call it a day

but just when you stand up eunwoo grabs your wrist

and he’s like “where do you think you’re going?” you scoff and reply with “why do you care? it’s not like you want to be tutored right? well i don’t want to tutor anymore”

when you try to budge, you feel his hand still firmly gripping onto your wrist and you’re like “let go of me” until you realize he’s staring at you dead in the eyes

and in a quiet voice he sadly says “please don’t give up on me... i’m trying my best.”

it looks like he’s about to tear up and that’s when you realize that you need to be patient for him... and need to help him because he’s trying to make his mom proud.

when you sit down again, he gets a bit startled that you gave in so easily but regardless, a relieved smile spreads across his face.

instead of going back to teaching, you conclude that you two should “break the ice” first so tutoring wouldn’t be you two just glaring at eachother

“breaking the ice” turns into a two hour conversation about random things or anything that comes into mind.

eunwoo is really good at conversing and he’s good at filling in the awkward pauses and bringing up new topics!!

next thing you know the librarian is trying to shoo you guys outside since the library already closed fodjsoakal

when you get back home, there’s a stupid smile on your face and you’re like SHIT why am i smiling? why can’t i stop smiling???? get yourself together youRe just helping him you still think he’s annoying!!! ..but he has a breathtaking laugh... NO he’s still that annoying guy i hate

the rest of the tutoring sessions aren’t as bad at you thought.. eunwoo is actually pretty smart he just has the attention span of a toddler honestly.

you could be trying to read him an excerpt from The Great Gatsby and when it’s his turn to read.. it’s absolutely silent and when you look up like ???

you see him staring at you and you’re like “eunwoo.. it’s ur turn” and he’d be snapped out of his trance and be like OH! and ask you where you left off

and inside you’d be like.. was he.. staring at me?? (he actually was. you just looked so pretty reading out loud with such emotion)

after a couple of more classes with him, he starts immensely improving in class. he doesn’t really bother you anymore, but he stills throws some playful remarks at times.

tutoring sessions seem to be effective, and you learn that he actually has a really.. really great personality

one day, you’re approaching your seat in English and are about to roast eunwoo as your daily routine when you almost bump into somebody

but thank god you have great reflexes so you managed to stop yourself... and when you look up you see a handsome face and you’re like. Oh.and he’s like smiling sheepishly and is like “sorry! i’m clumsy hehe” and you’re like Oh.. he’s cute

you smile back and insist it’s fine.. and now you’re both still standing there smiling at eachother because he’s like eye candy

he manages to introduce himself as Moonbin and you’re like I’m (y/n)!! and then his face transforms into recognition and he’s like “oh! you’re eunwoo’s tutor aren’t you?”

and you’re like “Oh?? yeah how’d you know?”and he’s like “Ah.. i’m good friends with him. i heard your tutoring sessions are really helpful though. you’re super smart”

and on the outside you’re like :3 m-Me????!??! <3

what you actually say: ah, thank you.

then he’s like “do you mind if you tutor me too?? i’m kind of struggling in English as well” and you’re like “oh sure!” it’s raining money girl

the bell starts ringing and he waves goodbye

you go to your seat with a wide smile, and when you sit down, you don’t notice that eunwoo is glaring at you

so when you look at him with a smile on your face, he gets even more glary.

you quickly wipe the smile off and are like “oh it’s you.”

but instead of insulting you back he’s like “why were you talking to Moobin?” and youre ???? “why CAN’T i talk to Moonbin? he was asking me to tutor him.”

when he hears that, he clenches his fists under the desk and is like.. “did you accept his offer?”

and you’re confusedly like “yes.. why would i reject him?”

not one to handle complicated feelings well, eunwoo just stands up, his chair loudly screeching against the floor.

he wants to tell you that he doesn’t want Moonbin to watch you read lines from poetry so dramatically, smile whenever he makes a joke, text him reminders to study before he goes to sleep.

but when you’re looking at him with such bewilderment in your beautiful eyes, your facial features frozen as you wait for his next move, he feels disgusting for having these feelings towards you. you’d probably be happier with Moonbin, who doesn’t have these nasty problems you’d be burdened with.

but before you can even properly react, he’s leaving the classroom and you look around, grateful that nobody was watching.

and you don’t know how it happens.. but your feet control themselves and now you’re running after him, not caring about class starting already

and as you’re sprinting, so many scattered thoughts run through your mind. eunwoo.. jealous? does he like you? and even though you thought you were interested in eunwoo... there’s something about eunwoo you can’t let go about.and there’s no way you’re going to lose him.

so when you finally catch up to him you grab him by the arm and turn him around so he’s facing you... you hug him tightly.

and the crawling feeling that’s been stirring in eunwoo’s stomach suddenly dissipates

and bc you know that nothing will be the same after this, why don’t you just end it off strong? so you confess

you quietly tell him that you’re new to this... relationships have always been a new territory for you. liking somebody is new for you. “please don’t run off and let go of me either... i’m trying my best, too”

and he wants to push you off of him, tell you what’s best for you, and go back to being the annoying shit he once was. but your hug feels so nice and.. well.. maybe eunwoo can be selfish once in a while.

falling in love with eunwoo is a gradual but addictive progress. when people describe falling in love, they would describe it as fireworks... exciting but risky. you would pretty much say the same but.. it’s so much more than just that.

it’s feeling tingly and funny when he randomly holds your hand or shows affection. it’s feeling enormously upset when you’re not around him or when you see him talking to somebody attractive. it’s feeling empty when he cuddles you because you want this to last forever, but you’re scared because you know it won’t.

you tell him this as you two are nestled on his couch, blankets jumbled across and TV playing some cooking show neither of you care about

he laughs and kisses your forehead which makes you feel that stupid tingly feeling again.

“are you confessing that you’re in love with me (y/n)?” before you can try to smack him, he says “i love you too.”and with that.. you quietly respond “i love you...”

and it feels so refreshing voicing that out loud.

eunwoo as a boyfriend would be the most blood rushing and adrenaline pumping feeling there is. he’s filled with so much energy that it’s never not fun around him

he would sneak you into carnivals, and take you on the ferris wheel where you two would probably makeout in the passenger car scksksoao

he’d also try to win you prizes at the arcade but.. he’s just so bad at playing it and either A) you end up playing and winning him a prize or B) he bribes the arcade owner to give him the prize

lots of PDA. lotssss of them.

sitting next to eunwoo in English is a struggle now.. he’s always distracting you from the teacher.

like you’d be taking notes but then you’d feel his head on your shoulder and now he’s straight up cuddling you in class

eunwoo always encourages you to have more fun

“you’re always locked up in your room, studying.”

thus, he likes to knock on your door and enter the house with your parents’ delightful approval (because your parents love him. so much.) and go in your room and shower you with kisses while telling you that it’s time to stop studying because you’ve been reading the same chapter over and over again

your texts to each other would be littered with emojis that don’t even relate to the message. like you’d text “i stopped studying. are you proud of me 💃👒🐟🥐”and he’d reply with “of course my sunshine 🍣🎧🔑”

you still tutor him but your tutor sessions are a lot more longer now since they take place at either of your houses instead of the library LMAO.

+ after tutoring him, you two would just cuddle and raid your fridges

when you meet moonbin again, eunwoo gets a little jealous again since he thinks that moonbin has a chance of snatching you

but after kissing him and assuring him that you’ll never be “snatched”, he feels so relieved

eunwoo relishes all of the affection you give him. and he always gives you twice as much :’)

one day the same English teacher asks to see you after class and you’re like “is there something you need?”and he’s like “.... ok so tell me how y’all went from kicking eachother to cuddling together in class 🤔🤔”

and you’re like “.. BYE I THINK I HEARD SOMEBODY CALLING ME”

the doors were closed... nobody heard anything...

when you ask eunwoo why he hated you so much in the beginning, he tells you that he was just jealous of you. jealous of how flawless you did in academics and how you’re such a bright student + your glares were “extremely unnecessary”

he also tells you that his older brother is already a doctor and has been so successful in everything so his mom always pressures him and compares them

and you’re like weaving your fingers together while telling him “don’t compare yourself. he is him and you are you.”

and you pause.. and say “and i love you this way. i’m proud of you”

and eunwoo just immediately breaks down right there because nobody ever tells him that.. nobody is ever proud of him

falling in love with one of your enemies was definitely one of the best things that’s ever happened to you :)

#astro #cha eunwoo #eunwoo scenarios #eunwoo fluff #eunwoo angst #eunwoo fanfiction #eunwoo fanfics #eunwoo aus #eunwoo au #kpop #lee dongmin #tutor!au #enemies to lovers!au #bulleted #bullet

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inyoursheets · 3 years

Text

i got tagged by the kind @bourbon-ontherocks to do the language tag game thingy so let’s goooo

below the cut bc my english language journey has many twists and turns (jk im just a wordy person) (in writing) (as you may know by now)

How many languages do you speak?

two bc im an embarrassment to all my high school modern language teachers. so just dutch and english im afraid

What’s your native language?

my first language is dutch

Which language you’re most comfortable with?

it’s unnerving as hell but............it’s increasingly becoming english? youd think dutch would be the answer and it is in some ways, but considering most of my degree was in english, i genuinely struggle to express myself in dutch more when speaking on topics related to my field. so basically whenever someone tries to debate me im like !! i know but i dont know how to say this in dutch !! aah !! help !!! many thoughts, zero coherent sentences

the only reason im less comfortable w english is when speaking, mostly bc of my pronunciation. speaking english is something i do considerably less compared to reading, writing, and listening in/to english, especially now that im done w my studies.

also! i notice that while i understand the meaning of english words, sometimes when i deliberately literally translate them in my head (a much slower process than the intuitive way i normally speak/listen to english) the meaning hits me more? like, it sinks in a little more, it lands closer to home? english not being my first language means it creates some emotional distance from what im talking about.

so, i now sometimes try to deliberately seek out books and articles in dutch on important topics, bc that way i take in more of the depth of meaning and i feel addressed more directly on an intuitive level. does that make sense? for example, reading about racism and white privilege in english gives me a little more distance from the subject tho it shouldn’t, by virtue of it being in a language that is not the one i was raised with. so especially topics relating to (my) societal privileges, i try to also engage with in dutch, and not just in english. im not gonna stop learning about them in english, there’s a fuckton more information out there on any topic, really, in english, and so many people i learn so much from speak english. but i gotta keep reminding myself to also consume dutch articles/books/etc., especially when it’s very important that i really hear what’s being said

Where or how did you learn English?

formally? i started in primary school and then all of high school (we dont have middle school here, fyi). but really, what helped the most was reading books and watching tv shows and films in english.

first, id read the dutch translation of a book. then id read the english version, already knowing the story. then slowly i got to a point where i didnt need to already know the book before being able to read it in english.

same with tv and film -- first id watch dubbed versions of tv shows, which is common practice in the netherlands with shows aimed at a young audience (that’s the extent of it as far as i can tell - other than kids’ movies, films in the cinema are not dubbed). then i got to a point where i could watch those same shows in english with dutch subtitles (shows airing earlier in the day would be the dubbed version, and in the evening theyd be subbed). then i got to a point where i could watch shows that aren’t dubbed in the first place, with dutch subtitles. then i got to the stage where i watched shows with english subtitles. and now i forget subtitles exist and only watch things in english. the only time i’ll turn on (english) subtitles is if there are people whose accents i find more difficult to understand.

i think consuming media in english in these stages (which took years! slow process! happened alongside of high school english classes!) is what helped me learn english the most, next to formal training. that’s really how my vocab improved and how it keeps improving, i guess. tho the amount of times i encounter a word i dont know the meaning of has significantly lessened

(also what helped is living in sweden and in the uk for a few months. no choice but communicating in english. and like i said, most of degree was in english so i had to read and write in english like every day. in conclusion: being surrounded with english on a daily basis is why im at this level, not just from watching hannah montana)

When outlining a fic, which language are you thinking in?

ok so i dont really outline fics ??? it’s more like. a few bullet points of vague ideas (in english) and then i start. but if i were to finally get my shit together and actually properly outline, id do so in english

When planning a fic, which language are you thinking in?

yeah also in english

Is the first draft in your native language, or is it in English?

also english. it wouldnt even occur to me to draft or outline in dutch. i might if the show itself was in dutch but since it’s in english....ok wait no i wouldnt, im far too lazy to translate a whole draft and i commend people that do!

What do you [think] of your English?

ummmmm well. i think i could improve on the speaking front and that my pronunciation leaves a lot to be desired. and i think i could stand to be a little less arrogant sometimes bc i tend to think i know meanings of words but sometimes i dont know the exact nuance of a word or all of its meanings. so if i were a little less cocky about the whole ordeal id probably improve more. annnnd bc these days i learn most new words on online, i should be more proactive about figuring out where terms originate from and pay attention to whether a word or a phrase is okay for me to use or not (like not appropriating AAVE).

other than that i think my english is fine. and i think that me thinking in english more often than in dutch means im what dutch people talk about when they say dutch is dying out lmaoooo you’re WELCOME

im tagging................. ok im actually not even sure who in this fandom doesnt have english as a first language? so im just gonna tag fic writers and hope they speak multiple languages. like my wife @mrslackles (i should know this about my wife! sorry!) or @bethsuglywigs ?? @septiembur ??? @riosnecktattoo ???? somebody pls send help. ok you know what im just gonna double tag @bathroombreaks and @missmaxime

also whether i accurately tagged you or not, no pressure. also if you’re reading this and english isnt your first language, TAG YOU’RE IT

#it’s....something....to notice that i think in english a lot #esp considering i live in a country where my first language is the one used the most #eh.....let's just let dutch die a fiery death #can you tell im overthinking who to tag #i dont wanna imply things about people's english ??? i just literally dont know who doesnt have english as their first language #except missmaxime and bourbon-ontherocks #my goodness this is more difficult than figuring out which ao3 handle goes with which tumblr url #when i couldnt read (much) as a child id ask my parents to read the subtitles out loud #so there are some shows that were dubbed by my parents right in my living room #whenever my grandparents would watch us theyd be so slow to translate and i missed the whole episode #bc my grandpa would first repeat what a character said in english and then translate to dutch #tag games #long post #one day i'll stop overexplaining and get my wordiness under control #(today is not that day)#this post is really just a very elaborate way of saying that hannah montana greatly impacted my life

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karaslluthor · 5 years

Text

supercorp fanfic masterpost pt.2

this has been in my drafts for over a year so here ya go and hasn't been updated since then but if u haven't read these then ur welcome. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

its literally a big ass list jsyk and i did all the tumblr tags back then so idk if they are still the same users but hopefully lmao.

original part 1 is here boysss

MULTI FICS

somewhere i have never travelled (http://archiveofourown.org/works/9268886/chapters/21008012)

kara and lena visit all different places lenas lived and then they find a home together and its super cute and fluffy I cry

Paranoia Incarnated - @justmickeyfornow

mickey is my fucking supercorp spiritual guider with the best fucking fic and ive read it about 322934 times and still is sooo good. Also the whole heartbeat thing KILLS me. SO MUCH ANGST but literally its worth the death u go through trust me

Transcendent Interactions

Kara and lena share this bond thing from birth and can feel each others emotions and they finally meet and its so great like im actually fucking in love with this fic and kara gets herself off all the time thinking lena doesn’t know idk just read it u wont regret I stg

Closer and Closer (Until We Collide) - @hallow777

Im a slut for bed sharing tropes and this is so CUTE like lenas all freaking out because she keeps waking up cuddling kara and alex is oblivious to everything and its just soooo good

So, This Happened?

Drunk kara leaves drunk alex for a more suitable cuddle buddy aka lena lesbian luthor and lena sleeps in a supergirl t shirt bc of course

Sojourn

Holy mother of fuck as if this fic didn’t absolutely ruin my fucking life??? Lena has to go to London for a month so she invites kara to come with her and lena has a gay awakening and realises shes in love with kara and its SO FUCKING GOOD

just one wrong move (baby, baby)

lena is having karas baby from this alien tech accidentally! And lena is so loved and its so cute like honestly and obviously they fall in love bc duh

hold me, my dear (and don't let go)

kara is a professional cuddler and lena hires her services bc shes a sad touch starved young lady and deserves to have some hugs in her life hello fluff my old friend discovering the moon

alex and lena brotp and holy fuck does it deliver!!!! Alex is like a wingwoman we all need and kara and lena just need to communicate tbh but AMAZING

Focus on Something You Love, and Breathe

Lex is a little shit as always and wants to kill lena bc he thinks shes in love with supergirl (which she is) so kara says she can stay with her and obviously the angst is juicy and ruined my life. So. Good. Read. It.

Offstage

College theatre au but like literally one of the best college aus ive ever read!!!! Lenas just a big lesbian and karas confused and they bang secretly and its glorious

it's a boy!

lena takes in a super powered alien baby that falls from the sky and gets a weird neighbor in the form of kara danvers and theres not many chapters yet so im not sure whats happening with kara yet but im super excited for this!!!

Break My Fall

Kara dates monel but kisses lena as supergirl and its angsty and smutty and all round a good fucking time

carefulness can be damned

Post 3x7, literally smut with some plot need I say more??

A Foolish Wit - @seabiscuits-us

if you haven’t read seabiscuits fics are you even a supercorp fan?? Lena needs a husband and Clark Danvers is positively charming and also actually disguised as a man, I mean.. quality content

In My Veins

im soooo excited for this fic because the lena/alex brotp is written so well!!! Basically lena and alex become really good friends bc they both deal with their issues by drinking obvs and kara thinks they are secretly dating and gets upset and im SO READY FOR THIS ANGST

Would You Catch Me If I Fall For You ('Cause I'm falling)

This is absolutely amazing and so captivating and I was honestly on edge the whole time kudos to the author!!!!! Kara goes back in time to warn lena about her dying on the venture and lena falls in love with her but she disappears and then when real kara and lena meet, kara doesn’t remember knowing lena and ughsalkdhsla its so good.

We Need a New Song

Oh my good golly gosh this fic ruined my life. Ballet au that has barely any ballet and an abundance of GAY and I had to take a moment after reading this to collect myself tbh

and stick it into someone else's heart

Rhea infected lenas boobs in a cage dress with some weird alien stuff and her and kara have to bang or THEY’LL DIE pretty much but they love each other

The Laws of Fate

soulmate au where everyone has a red string and lenas points to the sky and shes confused af but it’s a gay slow burn and the angst is good for ur soul

My Sun

Lena gets into a car accident and kara thinks she died but lex is a maniac and wants lenas help and fdjsaklfs it’s a rollercoaster let me tell you

Mercy on Me

lena falls under black mercy and in order to bring her back karas has to break her poor little gay heart bc lena thinks her and kara are in looooove AWWW heart shatters

Be your own Hero

Collection of supercorp one shots!!!!!! Quality content lemme tell yaaaa

pick a blossom and hold it to your breast (honey, you know that’s my love bursting loud from inside)

kara and lena rely on their late night phone calls with each other and get the feels and go on a date and they are just cute adorable dorks that are nervous

your voice is pretty, baby (but i’d rather have your pretty skin instead)

part 2 of pick a blossom ^^^ still adorably cute and a smut chapter I mean come on, treat yoself

Firsts

kara and lenas first told in the cutest wayyyyyyyy

Whispers

lena works with lillian to save supergirl and its oh so angsty and kara always believes her girl bc that’s canon

My personal Santa in heels

Kara loves Christmas almost as much as she loves lena, almost

Timer

Soulmate AU where everyone can have a device installed to tell them the time until they meet their soulmate, kara and lena love each other but kara cant have a timer installed obvs kryptonian skin and its so cute and soft and angsty

The Fatal Flaw

Super cool and different fic and keen to see more chapters from this!! Kara doesn’t have her powers (yet) and she meets lena at a party at college and then clark tells her shes actually an alien ooooo im keen

Stay the night

Lena inherits the national city womens basketball team and star player kara danvers is a muscly babe and they try not to fall in love BUT ITS JUST TOO HARD BECAUSE THEY ARE SOULMATES also I love jack in this such a wingman

1865

MATTTTTTTTEEEE lena is the daughter of the governor and shes a little rebel. She falls in love with kara but her family has arranged her marriage to monel BUT LIKE THEY JUST LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH btw they are aliens but like in 1865 so cool. Pls update I love this so much

All Our Bodies in the Grass - @seabiscuits-us

fuckkkkk this fic honestly, amish au and lena knows nothing but kara is down to help her out while also sharing lovely girl mags ;)

B.F.F.W.E.B

Kara and lena are friends with benefits but feels get involveddddd, lenas a useless lesbian

All the little lies

Kara comes to earth and falls in love with lena but she has to go back to krypton and breaks lenas heart in the process, but she comes back and its only been like 7 months but its been like 3 years for lena!!! (I cant remember exact dates don’t judge me)

half melted m&m's

lena needs a fake wife to stay in the country so kara is ever so helpful and agrees to be her wife, oh I do love a fake wife trope and this delivers!!!!

The Wrong Superhero

Lena gets saved by batwoman and supergirl thinks she is super jealous because of superhero-related reasons but shes just in love with lena

We'll Take on the World

College au, just useless fools in love that need to communicate and make out more

And they call me from beyond the stars

Omg I LOVE THIS FIC SO MUCH ok so kara is a ghost (still from krypton and stuff) but no one can see her except lena so lena works on trying to get her back into the physical plane of existence so she can find alex but they FIND LOVE WITH ONE ANOTHER oh my god so angsty let me tell ya be warned

Wait for me to come home

https://lostariels.tumblr.com/

idk where to even start on this fic honestly, im pretty sure most people have read this bc it’s a rite of passage but fuck it gets me everytime!!!! Army au and there is so much angst and I love it

An Unexpected Surprise

supercorp baby au!!! Kara and lena bang and kara ends up preggers. Iconic

Days in a Lifetime

Kara and lena grow up together, massive slowburn but worth the wait!!!!! ACTUALLY GO AND READ ALL OF STENS BECAUSE I JUST REALISED HOW MANY I PUT IN HERE AND THEY ARE ALL FUCKING GREAT

Do you wanna (like you know I do) - @seabiscuits-us

another seabiscuit, I couldn’t not put this in!!! CAPE COD and sharing of bunk beds!!! Pls update this my soul is withering away

Purple and Black are my Favorite Colours

Kara gets in contact with kryptonite that makes her gp! And her and lena b a n g

ONE SHOTS

danishes and other sweet treats

oh my fuck this is so cute and its like a long one shot so I mean get on it because kara and lena go to a conference and share a hotel room need I say more

Sun Kissed

Kara takes lena on a roadtrip to the science museum for her birthday and my good golly gosh its so cute I could ascend to heaven

Only Human

A one shot with two chapters in different POV but lenas jealous of monel and then supercorp bang and its all angsty and lena protects kara and tbh they need to communicate but happy endings and love all round

The Right Thing

Lena freaks out because lex knows her and supergirl are dating and does the most dramatic thing (of course) by distancing herself from kara and did I say angst???/ also I cried multiple times in this

funny how the stars crossed right

Kara and lena keep meeting at parties and have super dorky costumes and fall in love (literally love anything written by you btw, im going to go ahead and say I would have all yours bookmarked so everyone just check them ALL out)

Accidental Text

kara accidentally sends a love confession to lena and its short and cute!

Unspoken Promises

supergirl and reign battle and lena finds out about kara being supergirl and supercorp are just obliviously in love

Green (Kara loves it and hates it in equal measure)

Im a sucker for a jealous trope and boy does this deliverrrr. Karas hella jealous of lena having other friends but realises its because shes super in love with her

Crush

Karas jealous because lena is flirting with supergirl but lena knows kara is supergirl so shes actually flirting with kara, nice!

My Donuts

Karas really jealous of sam and lena spending heaps of time together and then kara walks in on them having donuts and she fucking loses it because its their thing duh.

when we get there

Lena invites kara to her beach house to chill and they obvs fall in love because they are cute af

Have a Break

Lena is determined to work out how to use a vending machine to get kara her candy and kara and winn are watching it all unfold via cameras in catco, basically lena vs. the machine (himym singing voice)

Self doubt and comforting talks

Drunk kara, comforting lena fluff and adorableness

Shopping carts and a beautiful girl

Kara crashes into lenas car in a shopping cart and they go on a date and its SO CUTE

Distractions

lenas oblivious to kara being supergirl even though kara slips up all the time!!! #nicehalloweencostumekara

Lip Bites & Long Gazes

lenas a big gay flirt and kara gets frustrated and flustered and calls her out and they make out

Off the Record

kara spots lena at a gay club and they dance and make out *lizzie mcguire voice this is what dreams are made of*

Not so secret

the superfriends take a weekend away and kara and lena bang pretty much smut but its cute

come be my lover, be my getaway car

How many amazing tropes can you fit into one fic (aka the fic that made me lose my fucking mind oh my god its so good, had it include)

A one time thing

Kara and lena end up banging in a motel and kara has an internal meltdown its great

This is Home

Listen here, this is the most adorable thing my two eyes have ever witnessed. Lena doesn’t really have a home kara the sweet soul she assists her in finding a home with her (aka its kara, kara is her home get it)

Her Biggest Fan

lena is apart of the supergirl fandom, aka shes me

Drunk Puppy

kara being a drunk gay mess wanting to hunt seashells with lena

Act Natural

kara and lena have hickies and try to hide them on a beach trip with the gang

Like a date, date

kara asks lena on a date and lena has a gay panic attack pretty much

Datable

everyone thinks kara and lena are dating so they just start dating? Amazing

Stop following me, creep

Please clarify

Lena tries to tell kara she loves her and wants to date but karas an alien and just doesn’t get it, so cuteeeee

Fate is Written in the Ink (part 1)

Fate is Written in the Ink (part 2)

Soulmate au!!!! Any ink on your skin appears on your soulmates and omg its so cute like kara draws all this art on herself and lena gets to see it too!!!!!

Muddle my heart (then add a dash of lime)

Kara keeps going to the bar because punk/bartender Lena is a babe and she has a big lesbian crush on her

be hopeful, don't get broken (stay caught up in the moment)

angsty dog au and I mean PUPPIEs and SUPERCORP need I say more?

The makings of a family

Clark is the one who arrives after being stuck in the phantom zone and kara has to look after him and lena helps her out and wow new baby for supercorp

Let Your Guard Down

Lena in a DEO uniform sparring with kara and its so angsty because lenas mad at kara for not telling her the supergirl secret and then they bang and did I already mention lena in a DEO uniform???

Do you not like the service here?

Thirsty kara and waitress lena, lenas jealous of alex l o l

here is where time is on our side (part 1)

our corner of the universe (part 2)

long oneshot but fuck me its so good. Post daxamite invasion/mon-el coming back and both are healing from everything and go on a roadtrip just wherever the map takes them and oh my fuck its so cute and everything u want in a fic. Part two is the follow up

The Uncanny Valley

cadmus replaces real lena with a robot version and kara didn’t know but then kara finds lena and its cute

put these battered bones to rest

soulmate au (you should know by now im a sucker for a good soulmate au), lena has a foreign name on her hip (its kara btw)

pain

another soulmate au hhehehe soulmates feel each others pain obvs both these babies have a lot of paiiiiiin in their lives

Love is Garbage

Literally a garbage truck au, im not even going to say more

i know you're out there somewhere waiting (i know the stars can hear us praying)

Whats this??? Another soulmate au!!! Classic lover one arm, enemy on the other, honestly lena deserves more and just waits for kara to love her and I love this fic, also they help sam!!

Monster in the Mirror

Supercorp reveal in the middle of the lena/edge poisoning children episode oooooooh so angsty but happy love ending

Safety

Supercorp first ever sleepover!!! This is so cute stop

Please Clarify

Lena tries to ask kara out in every single way possible and kara is an oblivious alien

love is a flower, you gotta let it grow

Unrequited love makes u grow flower petals in your lungs but when ur love is returned it clears up, this was dope and I love ur work

where our hands hurt from healing - @seabiscuits-us

its seabiscuit do I need to say more?????? I will tho. Alex and lena match on tinder and become besties and I live for alex/lena brotp so….

blessed be (the mystery of love) - @seabiscuits-us

*dj Khaled voice* ANOTHER ONE, look I love every single fic this one does not disappoint and nothing like a good light hearted first date fisting hahahahahaha

The Luthor and the Super That Saved the World

Fit it fic for the season three finale where there is more supercorp and less shit writing, LOVE STENS WORK

Kara Danvers and the Brown Belt of Lesbianism

Karas gay brown belt that she always wears that makes her look like a big ol lesbian drives lena mental bc she so gay

SIN

ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING BY JAZZFORDSHIRE IM NOT FUCKING JOKING LET YOURSELF FALL INTO THIS SMUTFEST AND LIVE UR BEST FUCKING LIFE AND IF YOU HAVENT READ THE CAMPING AU UR NOT EVEN A SUPERCORP STAN

Pleasure

like sweat dripping down our dirty laundry

What Happens in the K Room Doesn't Stay in the K Room

green-eyed monster

Kara shows Lena what makes her Super

Supergirl, Kara, and a Luthor walk into a bar...

Late Night Heroics

Good Vibrations

Two Lena Luthors and a blonde walk into a bedroom...

Her perfect match

Girls' Night

Happy Halloween, Supergirl

What She Wants

make the rules then break them

an animal within an animal

THE WILDEST THING IVE EVER READ, STRAP THE FUCK IN (youll understand my pun when you’ve read it)

#supercorp #supercorp masterlist #fic rec #kara danvers #lena luthor #supergirl #supercorp fanfic

2K notes · View notes

firelord-frowny · 3 years

Text

I’ve talked a little bit about how at least one ~negative aspect~ of white supremacy/racism that impacts white people is that it can be SO DIFFICULT to avoid being Accidentally Racist over something that really shouldn’t have been that deep, and WOULDN’T have been that deep if not for the pervasiveness of white supremacy in america, and this bit about the lil country band Lady Antebellum and the controversy surrounding their name illustrates that pretty well, I think:

The band members have always said that the band's name was chosen arbitrarily, complaining about the difficulty of choosing a name. Inspired by the "country" style nostalgia of a photo shoot at a mansion from the Antebellum South, they said, "one of us said the word and we all kind of stopped and said, man, that could be a name"[40] and "Man that's a beautiful Antebellum house, and that's cool, maybe there's a haunted ghost or something in there like Lady Antebellum."[41] Haywood concluded, "[We] had a lady in the group, obviously, and threw Lady in the front of it for no reason. I wish we had a great resounding story to remember for the name, but it stuck ever since."[40] The name was always controversial, with a critic in Ms. Magazine writing in 2011 that the band's name "seems to me an example of the way we still — nearly 150 years after the end of the Civil War, nearly 50 years after the Civil Rights Act; and in a supposedly post-racial country led by a biracial president — glorify a culture that was based on the violent oppression of people of color".[41][42]

On June 11, 2020, joining widespread commercial response to the George Floyd protests,[41] the band announced it would abbreviate its name to its existing nickname "Lady A"[43] in an attempt to blunt the name's racist connotations.[1] The band members stated on social media that, never having previously sought the dictionary definition of the word "antebellum", they now consulted their "closest black friends and colleagues" so that their "eyes opened wide to the injustices, inequality and biases black women and men have always faced and continue to face every day. Now, blind spots we didn't even know existed have been revealed."[44] Fan response was mixed, with many decrying virtue signaling or even disparaging the protests.[41]American Songwriter said, "Given that the world knows what that A stands for, to many this change does little more than add extra insult to this ongoing injury."[45]

The next day, it was widely reported that the name "Lady A" had already been in use for more than 20 years by Seattle-based African American activist and blues, soul, funk, and gospel singer Anita White. The band again admitted ignorance of any prior use, which White called "pure privilege". Interviewed by Rolling Stone, White described the band's token acknowledgement of racism while blithely appropriating an African American artist's name: "They're using the name because of a Black Lives Matter incident that, for them, is just a moment in time. If it mattered, it would have mattered to them before. It shouldn't have taken George Floyd to die for them to realize that their name had a slave reference to it. It's an opportunity for them to pretend they're not racist". A veteran music industry lawyer observed that such name clashes are uncommon due to the existence of the Internet.[46][47] The band members contacted White the next week to apologize for having inadvertently co-opted and dominated her name,[48] saying that the Black Lives Matter movement had inspired them to a collaborative attitude. They nonetheless required retaining the same name, though she believed dual-naming is inherently impossible.[49]She said "We talked about attempting to co-exist but didn't discuss what that would look like"[48] because the band members would not directly respond to that explicit question three times during the conversation or in two contract drafts. She soon submitted a counteroffer that either the band would be renamed, or that her act would be renamed for a $5 million fee plus a $5 million donation to be split between Seattle charities, a nationwide legal defense fund for independent artists, and Black Lives Matter.[49]

On July 8, 2020, the band filed a lawsuit against White, asking a Nashville court to affirm its longstanding trademark of the name. The press release read: "Today we are sad to share that our sincere hope to join together with Anita White in unity and common purpose has ended. She and her team have demanded a $10 million payment, so reluctantly we have come to the conclusion that we need to ask a court to affirm our right to continue to use the name Lady A, a trademark we have held for many years."[50]

On September 15, 2020, White filed a counter-suit asserting her claim to the Lady A trademark and rejecting the notion that both artists could operate in the same industry under the same brand identity. She is seeking damages for lost sales and a weakened brand, along with royalties from any income the band receives under the Lady A moniker.[51][52]

Like????????? this REALLY didn’t need to be a thing.

And one thing I think black folks and other poc need to chill out with is dismissing any white person’s attempt at Being Better in how they move through a white supremacist world in a way that seeks to undo or at least not exacerbate white supremacy. I can TOTALLY believe that, in their white ignorant bliss, this band really did choose their name without realizing for a moment that it might leave a fucked up taste in some people’s mouths. Honestly like... antebellum IS a cool sounding word lmfao and if it wasn’t so heavily associated with slavery-era america, i’d wanna name something antebellum, too!

And like, yes, it’s true that it ~shouldn’t have taken george floyd’s death~ for anyone at all to suddenly decide that they want to go a little bit out of their way to denounce or at least not seem to promote racism in some small way. But it did. And it does. And every fucking time there’s a gross act of violence and injustice acted out on a person of color in front of the world, there’s always going to be a brand new white person out there who Sees The Light for the very first time. That doesn’t mean their new perspective isn’t genuine, and it doesn’t mean it happened All Of A Sudden. If anything, it was something they’d been thinking about for a long time, but didn’t know how to address it, or what to say, or who to say it to, or how to talk about it in their own community. OBVIOUSLY that problem is WAY LESS BAD than, ya know, actually experiencing racism, but it’s still a real thing that some white folks go through, and being mad about it isn’t going to make it NOT a real thing. it shouldn’t have taken george floyd’s death. it shouldn’t have taken trayvon martin’s death. it shouldn’t have taken the instatement of one of the most vile human beings to ever assault the face of the earth for This Person or That Person to finally want to make a positive and public change, BUT IT DID. It always does. That, unfortunately, is How It Works.

And so, this band adjusts it’s name in an effort to not seem hostile. OBVIOUSLY it’s not a grand show of solidarity. OBVIOUSLY it’s not meant to convince anyone that they’re Super Amazing White People Who Will Stop At Nothing For Racial Equality. It was literally just a small, simple gesture. They’re just modifying their image, because they were no longer comfortable with knowing how that word makes a lot of people feel. Bc like... let’s be real: probably a solid ZERO of their fanbase would have given a shit if they’d just left the name as it was. Nobody who’s going to a Lady Antebellum concert was pouting about the name. And if anything, they prolly stood a better chance of LOSING fans for ~being politically correct~ than gaining fans for changing their name to something less annoying.

And it JUST SO HAPPENS that the slight lil adjustment they made to their name steps on the toes of an existing artist, and it JUST SO HAPPENS that this artist is black, and is also an ACTIVIST in social and racial justice.

Oops.

And so, obviously people don’t interpret it as an honest mistake. Instead, it’s a result of white privilege. And I mean like??? ok, maybe it is. But I ALSO had never heard of Anita White until I read this fucking wiki page lmfao. So like... my ignorance isn’t due to no white privilege on my part. Maybe it’s a consequence of a white supremacist culture that wouldn’t glorify her and celebrate her and put her name everywhere... but that’s a different thing from privilege.

So now not only are the bands efforts to adjust to a world that’s becoming more aware of racial injustice being dismissed as disingenuous or too-little-too-late, but now they’re ALSO being accused of Using Their White Privilege to trample all over an artist they’d never heard of.

i DO think that after finding out the name was already taken, and after talking with her about it and determining that she wasn’t interested in sharing - as is her right - they should have just said “ok, sorry, thanks for talking with us about it” and picked something different. i think it’s kinda ridiculous that they think they should sue her and i think she’s HELLA right for suing their asses right back, and I hope she gets her damn money.

But I’m also cognizant of how emotionally/psychologically upsetting it can feel to have to just Change Your Name after so many years of living with it. It makes sense that despite their desire to adapt and choose a new name that doesn’t make people cringe, they still want to try to hold on to the feeling that THEY associated with their own name. “Lady A” seemed like a happy medium: They can remain Who They Are while also showing that Who They Are is someone who’s not trying to glorify a disgusting era of history. But if “Lady A” isn’t an option... what’s left? What else could they call themselves that wouldn’t feel like a totally new, alien identity??

So, I understand how, on an emotional level, they want to fight to keep it.

But uh. They really need to just Be Sad about it and let it go. Just consider it one of the small, upsetting sacrifices that white folks may sometimes have to make as we ALL struggle and stumble through this fuckin long-ass road of Making The World Less Terrible For People Of Color, and move on.

But yeah, like.

It’s fucking ridiculous that this was even an issue, and it was only an issue because of racism!!!!! If white supremacists didn’t manufacture a culture that oppresses people of color and glorifies the pre-civil-war era SPECIFICALLY for the good ol slavery, then perhaps people could wax poetic about the artistic and environmental aesthetic of that era without it being assumed that they Must Be Racist. Bc like??? idk if yall know this lmfao but i LOVE????? colonial american music. like, the kind of stuff with that Ashokan Farewell vibe. I think it sounds beautiful. And i really fuckin love the black spiritual music that was developed in that time. and i think so much of the architecture and fashion was so???? Nice. Just pleasant! But I can’t even get myself to fully enjoy it because of all the fuckin connotations that have been stuck to it.

A band should be able to name theirself a name without it being such a goddamn fucking cultural crisis.

But they can’t! And it is!

Thanks, White Supremacy!

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obstinaterixatrix · 3 years

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TUMBLR KEEPS TELLING ME TO GET OUT.... but GIF for the ask meme. please tumblr let me send this.

G: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order?

sometimes I’ll write out the basic draft of events during the whole fic and go back and fill them out somewhat in order, somewhat out of order. usually out of order. thinking about the latest fics I wrote... I’m p sure for dok/hyuk & sang/soo 2 I didn’t write the first lines until I was halfway through all the other scenes wait hang on I think I posted a screencap of when it was still in notes okay it took me a while but I actually hunted down the original tweets here they are

dok/hyuk:

sang/soo is a bit more involved, twts made at the beginning:

original draft, SUPER different, doesn’t include twts made afterwards to try and define fic trajectory:

twts from when I realized I needed more scenes than just the fight:

I can actually dig up said trajectory twts and the notes I wrote in the notebook if anyone is Dying To Know but it’d have to be in a different post bc I’ve hit the img limit

I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?

ok so writing-wise... this doesn’t quite fit the definition of ‘guilty pleasure’ but I do love writing subtext and pre-relationship and writing around confessions and defined relationships and the guilty part comes in with me being like ‘wait a second I should confirm this as explicitly romo instead of technically leaving it open-ended...’ so sometimes I try to be more intentional about that. I tend to find it really awkward to have characters refer to each other as boyfriend or girlfriend specifically because like.... I think with the echoic memory unless the character says boyfriend/girlfriend, or is specifically the character archetype to have a casual vocabulary and exist in modern settings, I find it hard to fit those words in. like ‘we’re dating’ is natural enough to write ‘she’s my girlfriend’ tends to give me pause with what I write for nowadays (xianxia ocs, characters who might physically be in their 30s but have technically experienced several decades or lifetimes outside the timestream, etc). this answer got away from me

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

from “an acquired taste is just a ■■ing hostage situation”:

“Hey,” Han Sooyoung says, lounging on the couch. From the armchair beside her, Yoo Sangah looks up from her book (no doubt something pretentious and insufferable). “You’ve never asked why I can’t stand you.”

“I never did,” Yoo Sangah confirms, and continues not to.

“You read me too well.”

It’s annoying, how apparently transparent she can be, and yet it doesn’t seem to chip away at that unshakable faith Yoo Sangah has. What are the implications, then?

If she were as flawless as everyone thought, she probably wouldn’t be able to handle understanding Han Sooyoung as well as she does. The only other alternative would be that she understands and still thinks—still believes that…

“I think,” Yoo Sangah says, “knowing you makes me want to be a better person.”

Han Sooyoung gapes, almost losing her lemon drop in the process. After a moment, she lets out a pissed-off laugh. “That’s the worst thing you’ve ever said to me.”

vibes vibes vibes vibes that’s all I can really say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “knowing you makes me want to be a better person” is a line I’m especially fond of because. waves hand. vibes. trading blows but incongruously getting closer. a compliment wrapped in an insult, an insult wrapped in a compliment. love them

#tumblr ask thing reply #writing ramble #shesgayfolks #orvlb #actually I remember the only reason the last scene exists in full is bc of sundry’s suggestion #thank you sundry

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shinhatigf · 3 years

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ok here is my star wars movie ranking because tumblr drafts ate my original one. this is literally only for me I like to format my thoughts on things I like and return to them later. these rankings are not as harsh to the movies as you think, the only movies I actively dislike are aotc and tros!

empire strikes back

a new hope

rogue one

the original episode ix script: duel of the fates

the force awakens

return of the jedi

revenge of the sith

the last jedi

solo

the phantom menace

attack of the clones

the rise of skywalker

some reasoning:

empire and a new hope are pretty much equal to me in terms of quality, story, characters, everything. they are perfect and i love them so much. empire is just slightly ahead of anh. solid 12/10 for both of em

the first time I watched rogue one at like age 12 I was like "oh I didn't rly like it" "I didn't remember the characters" so that was a fucking lie. this movie is honestly my favorite now what the HELL. the characters are incredible, they feel like real people with real motivations and problems. the cinematography and writing and visuals and ugh everything. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MOVIE. I LOVE THIS MOVIE. 11/10 nostalgia is the only thing keeping me from ranking this number one

ok i know that duel of the fates doesn't actually exist and isn't a movie but if it did it would be here on my ranking list. most of the arcs for each of the characters are incredible (the exception being poe, whose arc isn't as good). finn, rey, rose, kylo ren, leia, even hux all have amazing arcs. it pulls from all corners of star wars; you can tell colin trevorrow did his homework. 9/10 I love it

the force awakens is SO GOOD yall. it's SO good. you guys are just mean. 8/10 I love it

return of the jedi is this low down bc this is the less fun movie of the trilogy. I actually don't like the whole beginning sequence on tatooine and I'm meh on the ewoks but the ending on the new death star and the emperor and luke's whole new look are all amazing. 7/10 big fan

revenge of the sith is what the whole prequels were building to and it did not disappoint!! I love this movie!! unfortunately it does suffer from Prequel Disease (bad writing, effects that didn't age too well imo, lukewarm acting), though not as horrifically as others on this list. plus in this movie I think the bad parts work really well and add to it. 7/10 wonderful movie

ok i think putting the last jedi here is controversial but HEAR ME OUT, it's actually pretty good. it's not amazing, but it's certainly an enjoyable film that explores interesting concepts. it loses a lot of points for how disappointing the canto bight sequence is and a little for taking luke's change a bit too far. 7/10 I really like it

solo is really really fun. a lot of people don't like this movie which I honestly can't understand because it's sort of everything you want from star wars. han solo + lando are cast really well, the story is a lot of fun, I am a darth maul shill so I didn't mind that. 7/10 very solid very fun

the phantom menace is boring. it's just boring. I love some bits of it a lot (padmé and naboo are incredible) and other bits I don't (qui-gon does not have the good vibes I think they had intended, he's mean to obi-wan and leaves shmi behind mainly because he doesn't care?). I like the podracing scene and I love young anakin, but strongly dislike jar jar + the gungans. 6/10 would rewatch but wouldn't overly enjoy it

I first put attack of the clones dead last, and objectively speaking that is where it belongs, but in my heart it is higher than tros. when I first watched this movie I absolutely hated it. anakin was creepy, the plot was a little too convoluted, geonosis as a setting isn't really fun to watch, it is the EPITOME of Prequel Disease. however, it has really grown on me. whenever I hear "I don't like sand" I giggle. I love anidala, so even though it isn't fun to watch then fall in love in this movie, I can imagine how it should have been. plus without this movie, the clone wars wouldn't exist. as a movie I would not enjoy rewatching it but I like it way more than the actual last movie. 5/10 not a fan tbh

you already knew this but the rise of skywalker is bad. its worst transgression is being incredibly disappointing. it took all of my favorite bits of the last jedi and just kind of threw them out. poe has a really bad and gross backstory, they no-homo finn and poe like 3 times, finn doesn't even get an arc??, reylo is incredibly Not It, do I even need to mention palpatine. it's only positives are that as a movie on its own its like. alright. the acting isn't bad, the main trio gets to hang out (the jedistormpilot of it all. I love them) and it looks really pretty. 5/10 i expected more

#ryn canon #<- I'll just use this as the tag for posts that are first and foremost for me #ryn dot text

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trubilee · 3 years

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so i guess i’ll write (blogwrite?) now.

today we were authorized for early release at D, the way we are whenever there’s a holiday, so i decided to use up my 3 hours of company-gifted time to try and write this morning (not write this blog, but write other stuff, which tired me so now i am writing this blog as my treat for this last hour).

it has been a challenge to write these past several months. i sort of think i know why, or i know what triggered it at least. not sure why the difficulty persists but i guess i could pat myself on the back for trying this morning.

there are a lot of things i’ve been wanting to write about. in no particular order, my performance eval at work, my strange quarantine life-related skincare fixation journey (oh, the ups and downs), wes and happiness and my odd overthinking of it sometimes, the chasing francis book i finished a couple weeks ago, the funeral last week, and... hmm. maybe that’s around everything i can think of. oh, music in the time of rona too. also stuff in me that the writing has kicked up. i guess i could try. oh, and my bras of choice during these WFH times. maybe a little about daisy and the vaccine.

so. performance eval. it went extremely well. we took the full hour. my leader L is not the type to give much feedback, but in the first half of that hour she basically looked straight at me and told me all the things i would’ve wanted to hear. about client group 1, and 2, and 3, the breadth and versatility and equal parts drafting and interpersonal connecting components of them all. i repeated it all to paul when i told him how it went, and really, really it was everything i would’ve wanted to hear from her. i was praying thanks to God as she was talking to me through the screen, because i was just absorbing all the words that i had been so hungry to have her give to me this whole past year. and there are so many things to it too. things like, i know i am not perfect and everything to everyone the way i think i should--even could be--and i can’t necessarily just say to myself “oh but nobody is” because actually, at this company, there are some people who are, they really really are just so good, and i feel so bad just taking in how good they are at thinking on their feet and killing it at getting things done here, and being so articulate and effective at communicating and dynamic and all of it. anyway, the conversation felt so... whole-making. hahaha. make-whole-ing? another part of it is that i have always been grateful for the job, i always felt like it was suck a lucky winning when i shouldn’t have necessarily landed it and with that came this default set of thoughts that went, oh they hate me. oh they think i am inept. oh they see how inept i am. they regret hiring me. i don’t want them to regret hiring me. that would be one of my worst fears, jobwise. to burden someone with my existence on their team. i know that it’s healthy to think that a company is lucky to have you and to know your worth and all, but bc i’m kind of acquainted with my own versions of total failure, i’m not good at thinking that way. i’m always thinking that i’m lucky to work for X company. it would probably make many a leadership coach or asian american advancement advocate grimace. i’m sure it’s a handicap to me careerwise, salarywise, etc etc, but asking me to fix it is like asking mesomeone to stop being insecure. in that, it's not something you can change by will. it almost feels like a part of my dna, not just some protective armor. this is why i sort of roll my eyes inside when someone announces that she (it’s usually a she) has imposter syndrome. it’s unfair, i know, but i almost want to look around and say, wait is that not just the normal state of things? why are you acting like it’s some sort of unusual complex that you have? i thought everyone, anyone with any noonchi, had that. that’s like saying that--gasp--you don’t think you’re the absolute sh*t. it doesn’t mean you're afflicted with anything. i should ease up a little.

damn. i only have 20 min left.

ok another thing about the performance eval. about which i joked to my leader, when she said we could have these conversations more regularly if we wanted to, that my heart could only take once a year at most. i was so relieved, so happy, i felt so uncaged afterwards. bc again, really it extinguished all of the unhelpful fears that had made me so tense about work this year. and part of me, the part that is always maybe a little too self aware, thought to myself, that gosh, if getting a positive review from my leader at some big company where i am a corporate peon is this satisfying to me, then perhaps my world, my dreams, are just rather small.

i was thinking about that and preemptively tried to put it to paul this way: that sometimes i feel very rich. not like money-wise, bc i know just enough of the wrong people to ever feel that way (lol). but more in a life-currency sort of way. like when i think about my little family of three, my son who is so perfectly delightful that i don’t even know how to--i don’t know how to appreciate him or even just take him in without feeling like his delightfulness is slipping through my fingers simultaneously with, even AS i’m, looking at him and trying to appreciate him and take him in (does that make any sense?), my husband who i have similar slightly overwhelmed feelings about when it comes to his quality as a human being and heart on this earth, and my mom and dad who both survived their different cancers. about how somehow God provided me with not just the friends i needed but even extra friends who i didn’t dare think i had a chance at asking for, and even this house, and having and seeing daisy and family regularly, and gosh even my inlaws who only seem to ever give and never receive (sorry, ommonim abbonim...) and my sister in law who i feel the same way about, and our nanny, and yes this job too, this job i once never thought i had the right to even dream of having bc of said past failures, this job for two companies brands i adore and believe in. and the chance to write, and feeling like i have something to write about. and even knowing a handful of living, breathing, non-robot human beings who actually read what i write, actually think it’s worth their time. what marvels.

on the other hand, sometimes i feel rather poor. i feel like we don’t have enough savings, we aren’t saving enough. i feel like we will always just need to work for a salary bc neither of us is in a job role where we make dividends happen for us. and i am so junior here at a place where promotions are slower than slow anyway, and salaries aren’t tech or finance salaries anyway. and i feel ugly and like a half-distracted working mom whose life is devoid of glamour or romance or margin or space or passion / vision. well, i guess my “poor” list is a lot shorter than my rich list.

all this to say, after my dumb performance eval i felt like a rich woman. not because they told me i was getting some big raise (i’m not, and i don’t generally care bc the raises are so small and have you seen the mass layoffs happening here). i felt rich bc i felt like i got really validating feedback from leaders i really admire, both on a professional and personal level, and i work on a team with colleagues who i think are really excellent at what they do, and i work at a company where i really like what they make. i feel kind of silly typing all of this out bc it’s so freaking wholesome and vanilla and, again, small, but it’s true. those things made me happy after my review. and this is the job i report to 8 hours a day. yep. real stable, ordinary stuff.

i told paul that in thinking about how happy i felt and feeling self-conscious about that happiness, i would rather feel like a rich woman and be objectively “poor” than to be the other way around. to feel like i am poor but in reality be quite rich.

it’s also funny bc B and G also specifically separately felt compelled to send me messages confirming this same exact thought, now that i think about it. how wonderful. thank you.

next topic. bras in rona times. yesterday i bought my fourth--no, lemme count--seventh! eberjey bra. it’s not bc i’m being greedy, it’s just that the ones i started with i wore so often that they jstarted wearing out. the eberjey bras are generally underwired, with no lining except a thin layer of lace, and they make my boobs--my post-maternity, seen-such-better-days, already wilted boobs look terrible under my clothes. but i am working from home and don’t need the extra lining for decency’s sake. and when i see the bras in my bra drawer and i deposit my boobs into them every morning it feels lovely. the bras are unflattering but they are delicate enough (while still practical) and comfortable to wear and are lovely to look at.

well i need to start my workday now. if i ever get around to it i’ll write about other stuff.

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vivienncs · 5 years

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❧ make sure you KISS your fist before you PUNCH me in the face ❧

❝ Forgiveness is a war between the head and the heart and my body is a battleground. This is how it ends. I'm built of speed but nobody ever taught me how to back down. I wouldn't know how to outrun a war. ❞

BRIANNE TJU? No, that’s actually VIVIENNE ‘VIV’ CHANG from the NEXT GENERATION ERA. You know, the child of CHO CHANG and NICO TEJA? Only 21 years old, this GRYFFINDOR alumni works as an INDEPENDENT CURSEBREAKER and is sided with THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX. SHE identifies as a CIS WOMAN and is a HALFBLOOD who is known to be CRITICAL, ABRASIVE, and UNFORGIVING but also DAUNTLESS, UNSTOPPABLE, and QUICK-WITTED. — &&. ( JANE, NZT, SHE/HER, 22. )

hellooooo this is jane

viv’s pinterest is here!!! ( she also has a smaller section HERE in my general quantum leap board )

viv is mostly a chaotic competitive

this is the girl who decided to try in her classes bc some asshole annoyed her and she decided the appropriate response was to beat him at everything he loves so

anyway it worked out! she found the academic half of her nerdjock truth and ended up taking way too many fucking newts and owls

her history of magic project in sixth year was about how the founders are fake/fables (the real people still existed probs but certainly the names and traits make more sense as fables and anyway surnames didn’t exist like that at the time and she has a lot of points and i bet someone tells her it’s a dumb idea so she devotes herself to it as her history of magic project) so get ready for her to tell u about that if she remotely values ur academic opinions/thoughts

tiny™

like 4′11″

maybe she’s hit 5′0″ now that she’s twenty one (good grief) but chances are no... also wouldn’t make a difference anyway —- she’d be an inch closer to some people and still over a foot shorter than her bf

she was a chaser for gryffindor from a young age, and until she was in sixth year, she’d really intended on playing professionally and had been involved in the sport from her youth, playing in younger leagues and being part of professional youth teams during her hogwarts years. it’s something she’s still v passionate about, but what it really comes down to is that when she was having her academic careers meeting in fifth year, she realised: there were other things she equally wanted to do with her life. before that moment, it had never really been framed that way, like there was anything else she cared enough about to do for the rest of her life, that there was anything else she was good enough to do, but after that meeting and during the months following, she really came to understand that while her notable speed and physicality would always be things she connected to, she truly loved history and academia, and the theory of magic (as well as the practical execution of curses / unravelling them), and something about combining those aspects with her determined and dauntless spirit set her on track for cursebreaking (independently —- we aren’t here for destroying magics of antiquity and other cultures for capitalism n banks y’all)

don’t fuck w her gals

will break ur nose and not apologise

will help lily bury a body if need be

cho is younger child of weisheng chang, who was brother to jia chang, mother to marlene mckinnon —- marlene and cho were cousins, except marls died when cho was a baby, rip (jia was younger and had her children when she was young, whereas weisheng had them later in life, and cho was his younger child). seeing as jia’s estrangement from their family was due to their parents and weisheng had no beef with her, they reconnected properly a few years before the mckinnons died (except now marlene is alive again, adult!cho’s popped out of existence, and viv’s now got a teenage mother who doesn’t know her and also her mother’s dead war hero of a cousin. it’s a Time™ aight)

in fourth, year she once paid the quidditch commentator a galleon to call al “prefect potter” during an entire game and her defence to her mother was “listen he likes it and anyway it’s re-establishing his authority and reminding all the youths which one he is, as if they could forget a walking mountain”

(she does call him prefect potter)

v ride or die

loves dogs and magical creatures, hates birds and cats

just…. she’s tiny but believe she will fling herself at u if need be

an aries!! god no wonder she’s so competitive

SUUUUUPER into types of magic and magical knowledge like girl took way too many owls just bc she’s so fascinated in the nature of magic and how it can be used and magic from other cultures bc of how magical linguistics work and it definitely fed into her becoming a cursebreaker

v loyal friend but also highkey has excellent side eye for when ur being a dumbass

loves sugar quills and chaos

tends to take her time on some issues bc logically she sees pros and cons from both sides but when she makes an Emotional Decision™ on it, she’ll stand by it. until then, it’s mostly deliberating from a logical standpoint, which is prone to change with new info (things like joining the order tho are like… in her opinion, there’s nothing to debate with that?? like, that was the obvious right choice, it’s not something less clear cut)

dropped herbology and astronomy so fuckin quick after fifth year —- she liked neville a lot, but herbology is just not her cup of tea

stans viktor krum so fuckin hard

she has wanted connections that i will Think About More And Post but i have to send my ass to sleep asap

[ parental death tw ] her mum raised her by herself at first and then reconnected with her dad but he died when viv was about ten [ end parental death tw ]

scottish (always lived in glasgow area)

“swearing in a scottish accent is patriotic, minerva”

recalcitrant, reckless, harsh, impatient, unforgiving, highly critical, abrasive, sharp-tongued, blunt, not... super comforting

but also: loyal, ferocious, tough, determined, dauntless, quick-witted, unflinching, clever, dedicated, wry, perceptive, protective

currently dating al potter, timeline tbd (but recent-ish), lives w lily potter

travelled a bit/was in and out of the uk during her training but is Firmly Back Now other than any work trip she may have

re: time clash —- oof. ooooof. ok. well, not thrilled that her mother has, for all intents and purposes, disappeared. she realises that the cho currently around is literally her mother, but also she very much isn’t, and it’s a weird situation. trying to be there for her though, and also marlene & other mckinnons who have popped up, though from what she’s heard abt the mckinnon side of marlene’s family, she’s not super inclined to be welcoming (touched on in marls’ bio, but seeing as that’s only linked in discord bc her intro is still drafted for now, tl;dr is that the mckinnon grandparents were racist, mostly in the like... ‘i voted for obama!! how can i be racist, even w all these microaggressions??’ sorta way, though there were a few more Explicit Incidents). still, having her family around is weird, but it’s far, far from the worst of it all.

really interested in the actual logistics of the timeclash and is someone who is thinking abt the logical progressions that can occur from here, but also —- in line w being unforgiving, she’s... in theory, she does agree with the idea that you can’t punish someone for something they haven’t done yet. but she looks at people like theodore nott & peter pettigrew & that just burns away, and all the theory and thoughts go out the fucking window and she wants to step on them and grind them to dust with her heel.

character parallels: holly short (artemis fowl), maya hart (gmw), elizabeth swann (potc), zoë nightshade (pjo), leia organa (star wars), thalia grace (pjo), kat stratford (10 things i hate about you), patty (she’s out of my league), xena (xena warrior princess), paris geller (gilmore girls), isabelle lightwood (the shadowhunter chronicles), hands holloway (accepted), drainpipe edwards (vinyl 2012), james rhodes (marvel), and apparently fuckin’ legolas greenleaf lmfaaaaaaao [ many of these r from charactour so... watch me add some as actual ones come to mind, probably ]

#quantum intro #i feel like i'm missing things but?? i want one intro up at least dfgjldjal #it was gonna be marlene's but i'll try finish hers after work tomorrow #maybe ronan's too but his is like... a fucking Lot #emotionally speaking #parental death tw

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pens-swords-stuff · 5 years

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WAIT WAIT WAIT please PLEASE TELL ME MORE ABOUT VANESSA!!!! do you have like a mood board or anything for her? like----- where can i get a description of what she looks like/read about her bc i just saw the last ask you did and read abt vanessa and i LOVE HER i think i got a crush immediately.................... im fr gonna Sob omg.

OKAY FIRST OF ALL @yeraswifey!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I wasn’t actually sure whether people read these ask games, and Vanessa is one of my newer characters that I’m sometimes concerned about so this?? honestly made my day!! this is one of the nicest things people have said to me and I’M THE ONE GOING TO CRY

So to answer some of your questions… Here’s what she looks like! Her face claim is Kassi Smith. The only other detail I would mention about her looks is that she’s about 5′7″, but she’s always wearing heels so she can look taller.

She does have an aesthetic board on pinterest here. I have to warn you though, it’s a really bad aesthetic board — one of my worst ones. I know exactly what her aesthetic is, but I haven’t managed to find the right search terms for it yet. Her pinterest board is in dire need of reconstruction, and it’ll happen at some point, so everything here is subject to change.

She also has a playlist!

So I’m really sorry in advance, because this post is going to end up long. It’s not very often I get asked to talk about an OC, and I’m going to milk it for all it’s worth. Also, she’s a part of two main WIPs I have right now, and she definitely differs in them so I’m just going to give you a rundown of both if that’s ok!

Of course, if you have any questions about her, definitely let me know! I’ll be happy to answer them.

General Vanessa facts

Here’s a couple personality paragraphs I wrote for her when I first conceptualized her:

Fiercely independent and ultimately self-serving, Vanessa exists on her own terms no matter what anyone else tells her. She breezes in and out of everything as she pleases, often finding a person or a hobby of the month due to her fickle nature. Commitment is an unfamiliar concept to her, and there is very little that she returns to regularly — feeling trapped or obligated is not something she takes to kindly. She’s power-hungry and ambitious, Notoriously shallow and indulgent, Vanessa can often be found partaking in activities that shouldn’t be mentioned in respectable conversations. She’s rather flirtatious, though she’s very careful to not reveal too much or let people in too close. Aside from a few exceptions Vanessa is very guarded, preferring the casual relationships that she’s not expected to maintain. As much as Vanessa pretends to not care, pretends that life right now is exactly what she wants, she wants to care and there’s something missing. After five centuries or so of immortality, she’s far too jaded to become involved in anything temporary — romantic or otherwise.

So that was the very first draft of her personality. She largely hasn’t changed, except I would say that she’s even more confident in herself than before, she’s more capable, and is perfectly content with her fickle lifestyle — in the newer versions of For Queen and Country, she does have a purpose and isn’t just aimlessly wandering like she was originally.

Vanessa is characterized by her utter confidence in herself, her mastery at manipulation, playful-but-deadly personality, and her intense avoidance of commitment.

She’s a very social person who can fit in anywhere, so she has a very wide network of friends and acquaintances, but she is very careful about not revealing too much about herself to people. As a general rule, she’s very independent and dislikes being tied down by anything, including romantic partners or friends. The only person she’s consistently there for and relies on is her adopted brother, Alistair (written by the amazing @decantae). He’s her best friend and confidant, and they make a fantastic team.

FQAC!Vanessa

For Queen and Country is an urban fantasy story about how the existence of supernatural creatures exist, and what happens when the human public finds out.

So in For Queen and Country, Vanessa is a vampire. She was born in Scotland several centuries ago, and was turned when she was about 34-ish to fight in a vampire war at the time. That was where she met Alistair, and when he offered her an out from the life of an immortal soldier, she took it without hesitation and they’ve been together ever since. Additionally, her surname Queen comes from Alistair as well. Although they’re close, Vanessa gets bored really easily, so while Alistair has settled down in London, Vanessa is off doing who-knows-what all over the world. She comes back to visit every 5-200 years or so though, to stay with Alistair for a while.

Her original plot in FQAC was that she was traumatized from falling in love with a human who died from disease during an epidemic. This was the cause of her commitment-phobia, and her preference for casual, physical relationships over close intimate ones. When she meets a lady fae, she would have to learn how to deal with romantic feelings that went deeper than just sexual attraction, and her subplot was mainly her freaking out and being in denial about feelings.

Now that FQAC’s plot is more focused on how Alistair’s relationship with Blake develops (his love interest, and another OC of mine) and how they work together to fight for the rights of the supernatural, her current plot is now a bit different. Here, rather than just vacationing and running away from her problems, Vanessa is actively networking with and investigating vampire societies and other supernatural creature societies all over the world. This might include a lot of shady underground stuff. Her role in the plot is now providing valuable global intel, and being an annoying sister. Although I know in my heart that if Vanessa ever does end up with anyone, it’ll be with a woman, at this point I’m not sure if she’ll have a romantic subplot because I feel like she’s completely content with being single forever.

Post-Script!Vanessa

So Post-Script is another story about Alistair and Blake — this time in a Harry Potter AU where Voldemort succeeded in killing Harry and never died.

In this WIP, Vanessa is Alistair’s adopted sister once again, except this time Alistair is a pureblood from a notable family, while Vanessa is muggleborn. She essentially plays the part of a pureblood extremely well, and if people dare to point it out, she has enough blackmail material on them to ruin them. In this universe, Vanessa is a natural legilimens. Not only is she adept at the spell of delving into someone’s mind, she’s a natural mind reader (who cannot turn it off, mind you). So she knows a lot of dirty secrets.

In Post-Script, Vanessa’s outward job is a socialite who is on the Death Eater’s sdie, but she’s actually a spy actively working against Voldemort. She’s also involved in the criminal underworld of the Wizarding Society. She doesn’t actively do traditional criminal things, but she has a lot of shady contacts, and enough blackmail material and insider knowledge to effectively navigate her way.

So yeah, if I had to sum up Vanessa:

If she had to be summarized in a trope, it would be femme fatale

She doesn’t trust anyone but Alistair, and has considerable leverage with people she suspects might turn against her via information she’s gained in various ways.

She’s easily bored, so to fix that she plays with fire.

She may seem like an out-of-control slut, but reality is she is a slut that is very under control.

She’s confident and knows exactly who she is, and can utilize that to a deadly degree.

She hates commitment and refuses to get into any serious relationships.

Vanessa likes playing with her food, so to speak. She really enjoys messing with people and getting into their heads — especially if it’s an enemy.

#undine replies to stuff #userssnamee #yeraswifey #vanessa queen #THANK YOU SO MUCH #FOR REAL #this is the most exciting ask i have gotten in forever #long post #I have my priorities in order #postscript #for queen and country #fqac

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welllpthisishappening · 5 years

Text

Older Now, But Not Done Hoping (1/3)

Killian Jones has lost his festive spirit. It's been forcibly removed by corporate America and private developers and how much alcohol the customers at his bar drink every night. Although, he supposes, that means he's making a profit, but that also feels a little Scrooge-esque and he doesn't have time for visits from ghosts.

Because he's suddenly got a whole schedule in front of him, written out and planned by his roommate. To reclaim their mutual and collective festivity. Together. Oh, and he's in love with her. At Christmas. And all the time, really.

This is going to be great.

Rating: Teen Word Count: 8K’ish in this one AN: Oh hai there @xellewoods I’m your CSSS! It’s been my absolute delight getting to know you over the last few weeks and I had such a fun time writing this. I tried to fit as much as I could in and I hope it feels a bit like spending a few days in New York at Christmas. It did, however, get a bit more plot’y than I was expecting, so...here’s three chapters. THEY WERE ROOMMATES!

Also on Ao3 if that’s how you roll.

“Swan, what the hell is on your head?”

Emma spins, eyes narrowing slightly which really only makes the whole thing more absurd because Killian can tell exactly what is on her head. Antlers. With what appears to be some kind of sparkly garland hanging off the top.

He rocks back on his heels when she continues to glare at him, ignoring the frustrated mumblings of the few customers sitting just inside the door of his bar. It’s their fault for sitting there anyway. Something about drafts and old buildings and they’re going to be out of business in several weeks anyway, so none of it really matters anyway.

Merry Christmas.

“I’ve been asking her the same question for the last forty-five minutes,” Will says. He flips a towel over his shoulder, widening his eyes meaningfully at Killian. “And trying to get her out from behind the bar. Where she’s not supposed to be. Behind the bar. Against the rules.” “That was subtle,” Killian mutters, finally moving away from the door and a slightly glazed looking man mumbles a vaguely sarcastic thank you his direction. “And, that’s not really that big of a deal.” Will rolls his eyes.

It’s almost less subtle than the other thing.

And, really, the whole thing is kind of stupid. Almost as stupid as trying to save his bar from developers who want to turn Astoria into some suburb and a retreat for all those Amazon workers who are coming to Long Island City and Killian barely heard any of it any of the times it’s been explained to him.

The only thing he knows is they want to take his bar and he’s not sure he’s got anything except his bar. And how much he absolutely wants to tell Emma Swan several things he absolutely cannot. Being in love with your best friend’s little sister, who also happens to be your roommate, is, it turns out, incredibly inconvenient.

Will would argue about the best friend part.

It doesn’t matter. The love part is what’s important and Killian has almost gotten used to the way his heart seems to hammer in his chest every single time he glances Emma’s direction, has been dealing with it for as long as he can remember or something that sounds far less dramatic than that, but today has been awful in a variety of different ways and several others he didn’t realize existed until he was experiencing them.

They want to figure something out before the end of the year. So the developer told him. Something about markets and stocks or whatever. Killian doesn’t care. All he knows is they’re trying to take his bar and it’s ruining December and he’s never been much for December anyway, but it’s been better in the last few years.

That may have something to do with spending those same Decembers with Emma, but that’s neither here nor there.

So, really, Killian just wants to drink as much of his own alcohol stock as possible until his eyes also get a little glazed, crawl into bed with the covers tugged underneath his chin and stop thinking about how soft Emma’s hair is every second he’s awake.

He shouldn’t know that. He hates that he knows that. He’s not sure what he would actually do if he didn’t know that.

The double negatives are confusing.

“Jones,” Will snaps, clearly not the first time he’s tried to get Killian’s attention. Maybe he doesn’t actually need anything to drink.

Emma is very clearly trying not to smile.

“Yeah, yeah,” Killian says. “Still here. And--” “--Ignoring me.” “Well, I mean if Swan’s been here for forty-five minutes, then that’s something you should be used to by now.”

Will throws the towel at him. Killian catches it – and he doesn’t try to glance at Emma to make sure she’s seen his incredible athletic talent, but that’s also just how his body works now and he finds he’s glancing at her more often than not. Will is going to do damage to his throat from sighing so much.

“That sounded a bit like an insult,” Emma murmurs, resting her elbows on the top of the bar. “And these are antlers. Have you never seen antlers before?” “Y’know I don’t know that I actually have in person, honestly.” “What? Really?” Killian shrugs. “When do you think I’m encountering reindeer in the middle of Queens, Swan?” “You haven’t been in Queens your whole life!” “That’s true,” Killian agrees, hooking his foot around the nearest empty stool and there are quite a lot of empty stools. This is the single most depressing day in the world. “Are you also under the impression that there are a lot of reindeer in Boston? They weren’t just patrolling the campus at BC, you know.” Emma narrows her eyes, a twist of her lips that is equal parts familiar and taunting. Killian has to take a deep breath to avoid doing something particularly stupid, pulling in far too much oxygen through his nose and Will slides a half-filled glass of something towards him.

“Subtle, right?” Will asks.

Killian flips him off. That seems like the best response because it’s been going on for far longer than it should – since Boston College and Emma coming to the city during his junior year and they didn’t really like each other at first, but that eventually evolved into something that was almost like quiet acceptance and she was going to Northeastern and around and then David started dating her best friend. Only to promptly fall in love.

Like. The truest of true love. Killian is certain Mary Margaret and David look at each other and rainbows appear and choirs sing and it’s all disgusting and over-the-top and he’s always so goddamn jealous of it, he feels like he could burst.

So he and Emma kept hanging out. They talked. They became, almost, friends.

But then he graduated and moved back home – an idea and a hope and the thought that maybe he and Will could do this that was, currently, blowing up in his face. At the time though, it didn’t matter. He had so much false hope he was practically radiating with it, confidence and certainty and a profit margin that didn’t make the bank flinch.

And time, as it’s apt to do, continued to move.

Emma graduated. And decided she wanted to move to New York – as a police officer. “I just want to do something good, you know,” she’d said, whispered into a phone several thousand miles away from the bar stool Killian was sitting on at the time.

He’d promised her she could. He was certain she could. And the words seemed to tumble out of him at that point, invitations and promises it was fine and it makes more sense, honestly and it did – they could get a good apartment together and he was tired of living in the piece of garbage studio off Steinway Street.

The last thing he expected was for Emma to agree.

Honestly, the whole thing is his own goddamn fault. A fact Will is quick to point out, at least, three times a week.

“Yeah, yeah, you’ve proved your point,” Emma grumbles. She has to lean forward to tug the glass out of Killian’s hand, downing half the drink in one quick gulp and shivering slightly. “God, what is that?” “I don’t know. I didn’t actually get a chance to drink any of it.” “Ok, that’s not--” “--Em, can you not critique my drinks until, like, at least, after we find out if we’re going out of business?" Will interrupts, and they should really all just get separate glasses. It doesn’t make any sense to keep sharing one drink.

That should be the subhead of their lives at this point.

Emma blinks, eyes snapping towards Killian and he tries not to actually wilt under her gaze. It doesn’t actually work. “What does that mean?” “You didn’t tell her?” Will shouts before Killian can answer, drawing the curious glances of several customers. One of them definitely shouts he should have told her from the booth at the front of the bar. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell her,” Will continues. “That’s--you tell Emma everything. Like it’s disgusting how close the two of you are.” Killian does his best to glare without making it obvious, but that proves an absolute impossibility Particularly when Emma is still staring at him.

“God, you’re an idiot,” Will mumbles. He fills up the shot glass again only to drink it himself.

Killian groans. “Am I ever going to get anything to drink? Shoddy service here. No wonder they want to change everything.” He hears her react. It’s the single worst thing in the world.

She doesn’t quite gasp, but Killian can hear Emma’s breath catch lightly in her throat and it takes every single ounce of something in him to open his eyes and look at her. She’s still staring, eyes wide and lips parted slightly, looking at him like he’s just told her the biggest lie in the universe.

Or like he’s head over heels in love with her.

He really hopes that’s not what she’d look like if he told her that.

“Swan--” Emma shakes her head, strands of hair snapping against her neck and the jut of her chin and he’s always been particularly fascinated with the curve of her right ear. He’s the biggest creep in the world, honestly.

“Well, that settles that, doesn’t it?”

Killian has no idea what’s going on. He jerks his head towards Will, a bemused expression his partner’s face. “At this point I just assumed you guys have some kind of code that you’ve never told me about.” “We don’t have a code,” Emma argues. She still hasn’t looked away from Killian. It’s unnerving in the same way it’s kind of comforting, steady and consistent and, he’d like to believe, almost confident. In him. “I mean, you know, not yet, at least.” He’s getting whiplash from this conversation. “I don’t--” Killian starts, running an anxious hand through his hair. “Swan, you’ve got to make your point, love.” Will sounds like he’s dying. That customer in the booth laughs so loudly Killian briefly worries about the paint on those particular sections of wall.

It’s not a thing, really. It’s just, kind of, sort of their thing and he’s been doing it for as long as he can remember. At first because it very clearly drove her insane, but then because it made this very specific shade of pink linger in her cheeks and then, sometimes, if he’s very lucky, it ends with her teeth digging into her lower lip and--

Killian suddenly feels very lucky.

Even if that developer was talking about drink concepts like that’s even a thing that makes sense.

“I don’t have to do anything,” Emma says. “Also you’re incredibly slow on the uptake today, you realize that?” Killian hums in confusion. “I don’t--” “--I know, I know, but...just, tell me what’s going on, ok?” He grits his teeth, not sure why he hasn’t told her already because she really does deserve to know and if this bar is his, then it’s also, at least, partially hers and it may only ever really feel like home because she’s there, but that also feels a little clingy and--

“Hey,” Emma mutters, interrupting whatever spiral Killian is drifting towards. Her fingers are cool when they wrap around his wrist, soft on his skin as her thumb traces a short line across his pulse point.

He swallows, a wad of emotion suddenly sitting in the back of his throat because this absolutely, positively was not supposed to happen this way.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” Emma continues. Her voice doesn’t shake, which is probably for the best because Killian feels as if he’s several different metaphorical leaves, and she doesn’t object when he twists his hand to lace her fingers through his. She squeezes back.

Will gags.

“Why are you home so early, Swan?” “That’s not the question I was hoping for.” “That’s the question you’re going to get.” “I hate you.” “No you don’t.” Emma scowls, shoulders slumping enough that her hair pools against the bar top. “That’s stupid,” she sighs. “Ok, you have to promise not to freak. Because nothing happened and nothing is going to happen, but you really can’t tell David. He’ll drive down here to make sure I’m ok and--” “Emma,” Killian snaps, and that’s even worse than any single nickname he could come up with. She sticks her tongue out.

Will laughs.

“This is not that big of a deal,” she promises, but the words practically fly out of her and that’s a tell. Killian arches an eyebrow. “You remember that sneaker guy we’ve been going after?” He hums. He doesn’t actually trust himself to say anything else.

Idiot.

“Well, we got a lead about him in Hollis today and that’s not really us, but, like I said, we’d been building this whole case and--” “--Focus, love.” Emma scrunches her nose, but she definitely squeezes his hand again. “Anyway. We got there and the guy was trying to break into this display with all those vintage sneakers. Literally millions of dollars just sitting there and, uh...it got a little hectic.” “Hectic,” Killian repeats. “How?” “It’s not a big deal.” Killian looks back at Will – expression turned stony and maybe they should put up some Christmas decorations or something. That’s not really their schtick. “Oh my God, don’t look at him,” Emma growls. “This is not his story.” “And yet I’m still waiting on you, Swan,” Killian points out.

She twists her lips, tongue flashing between them in a way that should be distracting. “You promised not to freak out,” she reminds him. He widens his eyes. “There was uh...some gunfire exchanged.”

Killian knocks the stool over.

It sounds like the entire bar has been knocked over.

The guy at the front jumps up and Will takes another shot, a low murmur of emotion and concern working its way across the entire space. Killian, for his part, feels like he’s frozen.

He’s standing, fingers still twisted up with Emma’s, but he’s not entirely sure he’s breathing, if the burning sensation in the general vicinity of his lungs is any indication. And everything seems to slam into him suddenly – almosts and could have beens and he’s got no idea what he would do if--

No.

That is a dangerous train of thought and one he can’t possibly afford. Emma hisses when he, apparently, squeezes her hand too tightly. Killian’s eyes widen again, his inhale so sharp it only serves to hurt his lungs even more and he’s not sure he’s ever moved that fast, all but sprinting around the back of the bar and cupping her face in his hands.

Emma doesn’t flinch, but she does stiffen slightly and he supposes that’s fair. He’s kind of looming over, fear and what ifs rolling off him in almost palpable waves. She has to shift to rest her palms flat on his chest, tugging lightly on the tie he’d put on for a guy he hadn’t even wanted to meet.

“If this is you not freaking out, then we need to reexamine your definition of the word,” Emma mumbles, drawing a shaky laugh out of Killian and he doesn’t think before pressing his lips to the crown of her hair.

God, her hair is so soft.

“It’s a phrase anyway, really,” Will reasons. He’s crouched down, grabbing rum that they don’t let any of the regulars ever drink and only save for occasions, but Killian figures almost going out of business and avoiding death are both reasonable reasons.

“That’s true,” he agrees. He has to take another deep breath before he can even consider moving, moving his hands to Emma’s shoulders and the bend of her elbows, not quite taking inventory, but drifting dangerously close to creep again.

She’s laughing. He can feel her moving against him.

“Are you ok?” Killian asks, but that only elicits more laughter and he’s not quite sure what to do with that. “Swan, c’mon, this is--” “--I know, I know, it is,” Emma interrupts. “And really, I’m not trying to downplay how absolutely terrifying the last, like, twelve hours of my life have been. But like...obviously I am ok. If I were bleeding out, do you think I’d be here antagonizing, Scarlet?”

“She brings up another very good point,” Will mutters. He slides two glasses of the expensive rum towards them.

“Oh my God, Emma,” Killian sighs. His eyes close of their own volition that time, something that feels like real and genuine exhaustion settling on his shoulders. Or, like, he’s entire life. It’s probably a metaphor.

She has to lean back against his forearm – he’s moved his arm at some point, he’s got no memory of that, but it’s wrapped around her waist and they’re very close and maybe have been very close and this is almost how it all started before and--

“Hey,” Emma mutters, tapping the pads of her fingers against his cheek. “Not even grazed. Justice was served and goodness prevailed, but I was, uh--well, getting shot at has a tendency to mess with your head a little bit and they more or less told me to get out of there.” “Did you put up a fight on that front?” “Nah, I wanted to come home.”

It’s not the first time he’s heard her say that very specific word. And it’s true, honestly. This is her home and his home and their home in some collective way that roommates share, but Killian only just realized his very God awful day had the potential to be the single worst day in the history of any day and he kisses her hair again.

It always smells like vanilla.

And kind of difficult to move against the reindeer antlers that are still on her head.

“I’m fine,” Emma promises. She twists again, moving so she can wrap her arms around Killian’s middle, pulling herself flush against her chest until there’s a considerable amount of her touching far too much of him. “Honestly. I’m just--don’t move for a sec, ok?” Killian nods. He’s not sure he could move if he tried.

And Will shakes his whole head when Killian glances at him, smile knowing and eyes almost amused when he crosses his arms.

“It’s idiotic,” Will mumbles. “The whole goddamn thing.” The guy at the front of the bar shouts something that may be an agreement.

Killian flips Will off. He doesn’t actually move his arms away from Emma.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on with you now?” she asks, tilting her head back.

That’s cheating. He’s not sure how, exactly, but Killian is positive he’ll figure it out sooner or later and probably after he stops staring directly at her eyes and the tilt of her lips and there’s a hint of pink on both of her cheeks that he’d like to imagine he helped put there.

He genuinely enjoys torturing himself.

“I promise, it’s not nearly that important, Swan,” Killian says, waving Will off when he makes a strangled sound at the blatantly obvious lie.

Emma lifts her eyebrows. “You want to try that again?” “I thought you were supposed to be off the clock, Detective.” “Justice never sleeps. Or something less lame than that. Oh my God, shut up, Scarlet.”

Will does not, in fact, shut up. His laugh gets louder and less restrained, doubling over on himself when the sound practically ricochets out of him.

It’s catching.

Killian’s own laugh doesn’t start loud, but he feels like it could maybe get there, body shaking against Emma’s and the slightly disbelieving look on her face is more than enough to inspire several thousand smiles. That’s the single lamest thought he’s ever had.

Bar none.

But then she’s exhaling softly and her hands are moving again, back on his chest until it feels like they’re restarting his vaguely cynical and only recently terrified heart, and her laugh is his single favorite sound in the entire world.

The three of them stand there for a moment – hysterical and ridiculous, with a half-filled bar gaping at them like crazy people and none of them have actually had any of the exceptionally expensive rum yet.

That feels important.

“Life threatening events make you very snippy, Em,” Will mutters eventually, dragging the back of his hand against his cheek.

She flips him off with both hands. Killian can’t possibly kiss her hair again. There are still, some, lines. “Seriously, shut up,” Emma hisses. “You are ruining my plan.” “Wait, what?” Killian asks, but Emma is already mumbling no no no under her breath.

“You have to tell me what happened with you first,” she says. “Those are the rules or turnabout or whatever.” “Where’d you get the antlers?” “Seriously, you are so bad at answering questions?” “Yes, that’s what the--shit, what’s that guy’s name?” Will shrugs. “Some kind of element. Potassium? Plutonium? Robert Plutonium?” “Robert Plutonium? Are you kidding me?” “You were the one who spent all day with him. And not to agree with Em on literally anything ever, but she’s not the only one interested in what the developer had to say.” Emma’s hands fall back to her sides. “A developer? What--what does that mean? How long have you been talking to a developer?” “Not long,” Killian says, but she’s staring at him like it’s the worst lie he’s ever told. “Honestly, love. Barely even more than a few weeks.” “A few weeks! And you didn’t mention it once?” “That was a bad move, Jones,” Will nods. He’s moved backwards, perched on the edge of a different counter with that same confident smile on his face that helped them get the first loan from the first bank all those years ago. Killian gapes at him. “I’m just saying,” Will continues. “Emma’s like you’re emotional guidepost. It’s genuinely been blowing my mind that you haven’t told her about this yet.” “There hasn’t been anything to tell,” Killian says, but that’s definitely a lie and it’s probably wrong to lie to a police officer who was fired upon that afternoon.

And his roommate. Who may really be the best best friend he’s got in the great, big hierarchy of best friends.

That he’s in love with.

Irrevocably. And completely. And several other adverbs.

Killian huffs, turning back towards an almost-patient looking Emma. She’s got her lips twisted again, a look she usually reserves for when he moves her shoes away from the door or critiques her dish-drying technique.

“Once more with feeling,” Emma whispers, a note of something that may be a genuine threat just on the edge of her voice.

Killian snaps his fingers. “Gold. The guys’ name is Gold. God, how did I forget that?” “I’d imagine you’ve got plenty of other things on your mind,” Will answers archly. “Also you’re incredibly old, so the memory loss is to be expected. And what did our dear Mr. Gold ask of us today?” “He’s buying up the rest of the block.” “Ah, shit.” “Those were essentially my sentiment exactly.” Emma makes a noise that sounds a bit like a growl and the general sense of frustration Killian can feel simmering in the pit of his stomach. Her eyes are hard when he looks at her – barely more than slits of green and he almost wouldn’t be surprised to find her hair emitting actual wavelengths of energy.

“A developer is trying to buy up your entire block?” she asks, a forced calmness to the question that makes Killian wince. He nods. “And he’s been talking to you for weeks? And you didn’t--you didn’t once think to mention that to me?” “It’s not--” “--Oh my God, if you tell me it’s not a big deal I will strangle you here. Right here. Behind your bar.” “This is why you’re not supposed to be behind the bar,” Will mutters, drawing a half-nervous laugh out of Killian and another pointed glare out of Emma.

“And,” he adds. “If you strangle me here, then the bar becomes a crime scene and I doubt Mr. Gold would want a crime scene in his vision for making Astoria great again.” Whatever noise Will makes is not human. “Did he actually use that phrase?” “Not in so many words, but the sentiment was there. There was several allusions to open floor concepts and natural lighting and--” “--Has he ever seen this bar?” Emma interrupts. “There is no natural light in here. It’s a cave.” “Wow, that is scathing, Swan.” “A very nice cave.” “Better.” She scoffs, taking a step away from him and he shouldn’t regret that as much as he does. Maybe that should be the actual subheadline of his life. “This guy wants to shut down the bar?” “Eh,” Killian and Will say at the same time.

“What does that mean?” “It means that he’s less interested in shutting down the bar and just kind of...bulldozing it,” Killian says, and the smile on his face hurts every single one of the muscles in his face. It’s that fake.

Emma’s mouth drops open.

“He told me today he’s basically got the whole block. The coffee place, the pita place, that hair salon’s been closed forever, so that was, like, the easiest thing he’s ever done. It’s just...us left.” “We’re the holdouts,” Will grins, like the whole thing is some great, big joke and not their entire lives. It’s easier to deal with that way.

“And how do you plan on continuing to hold out?” Emma asks.

Killian tilts his head. “That seems to suggest you think we’re going to do that.” “Are you not?” “Well, yeah, but--” “--See, this is why I was certain you guys had some kind of code,” Will interrupts. “She knows all your tricks, Jones. It’s a miracle we’ve been able to keep it a secret for so long.” “A Christmas miracle,” Emma corrects. Her smile isn’t quite as wide as it normally is, but it’s tugging at the edges of her mouth and Killian knows she’s trying to look confident for him. He resists the urge to kiss her. Again. At all times. “So, c’mon, tell me, what are you guys going to do? There’s got to be a plan.” “There’s not really,” Killian admits. “We’re more or less hinging all our hopes on finding some kind of his historical relevance to this building.” “Are you kidding me?” “I told you there wasn’t much of a plan.”

Emma shakes her head, tongue moving between her lips again and Killian can almost hear the metaphorical gears starting to turn. It doesn’t surprise him. She’s always been impossibly stubborn and when she sets her mind on something, there’s very little that will stop her from getting it.

Which is why the whole incident was so goddamn disappointing.

If she’d wanted it, she absolutely positively would have brought it up again and neither one of them have ever said anything and--he needs to stop. This is cruel and unusual and self-inflicted.

Her hair had felt so incredibly soft in between his fingers though. And there was that one sound – not quite a whimper, but something like giving in and accepting and wanting, pressed against the curve of his jaw when she’d pulled her head back and Killian would open sixteen-thousand bars only to sell every single one of them to some dick of a developer if it meant he got to hear Emma make that sound one more time.

They’d been very drunk, the five-year anniversary of the bar and more over-priced alcohol, stumbling up the stairs back into their apartment with fumbled keys and laughter and wandering hands. And neither one of them said anything even coming close to stop, just moved into each other’s space like they were falling into each other’s atmosphere and the whole thing had felt so incredibly normal.

That was probably the best and worst part. Equally. It felt like it was supposed to, like breathing or sharing the same space and that one, particular noise was going to haunt Killian even after he was dead, he was positive.

“That’s like...negative amounts of a plan,” Emma nods. “So what exactly are you going to do? Just keep dodging this guy until the end of time.” “Or the aliens attack,” Will adds.

“And if the aliens attack, then we’re hoping they’ll also just avoid this building and let us keep providing alcohol to the general populace,” Killian says. “Or the Doctor will show up and the aliens won’t actually be attacking. They’ll be nicer than we expected. Or--” “--God, how is there more?” Emma asks, but she’s almost laughing now too and Killian’s smile doesn’t feel as forced.

“The aliens will hear our distress call, know we’re barely staying above ground in the fight against modernism and they’ll just go attack Mr. Plutonium instead.” “I thought his name was Gold.” “I’m really feeling partial to Plutonium now.” “I don’t think that’s even on the Periodic Table. And Plutonium is more than this guy deserves. He should be like...tin or something.” Will lets out a low whistle, pouring something because, despite whatever the developer’s name is, they still do have a regular customer base and regulars and Killian genuinely doesn’t know what he’s going to do if this all gets tugged out from underneath him.

Maybe cry or something.

That seems kind of lame.

“Tin sounds almost insulting, Swan.” Emma nods again. “That’s totally the point. Do you--he really wants to buy the bar to tear it down?” “I see no reason why he’d lie to us. It’s a good amount of money too. Enough that we’d probably be able to figure out something without having to do it immediately, but…” “You guys are giant saps and you don’t want to sell your bar,” Emma says, more of that certainty and confidence.

“Yeah, exactly that.” “So it’s just been a complete and total shit day for all of us, hasn’t it?” “Exactly that,” Killian repeats. “Where’d you get your antlers, Swan?” “That really creepy party supply store right off the R-Train.” Killian’s answering laugh is far too loud to be acceptable in any sort of normal social environment, but he figures the rules are a little different in his own bar with the subject of his possible one-sided pining standing in front of him wearing goddamn reindeer antlers like a beacon of Christmas potential. “I think I’d like to get vaguely buzzed,” he announces, and Will shouts something that sounds a hell of a lot like finally.

He does, in fact, get slightly more than buzzed – a seemingly never-ending stream of glasses pushed Killian’s direction in between doing his actual job and acknowledging customers and Emma does, eventually, get back on the right side of the bar.

Technically.

Killian doesn’t ever really mind when she stands back there.

And it’s closing in on last call, his vision swimming just a little bit because it’s been a day and he’s probably a little dehydrated at this point when Will pushes on his shoulder. “God, what?” Killian asks sharply.

“You a little drunk?” Will counters.

“No, no, I’m--” “--Literally the world’s worst liar. Gold offered again? With the money?” Killian nods, wiping his hands absentmindedly on the front of his jeans. “He said we’re the only ones stopping him from, and I’m quoting here, making this official, so if we don’t come to terms sooner rather than later, we’ll be, you’re going to enjoy this, impeding progress.” “It’s like he’s reading from a script isn’t it?” “Honestly, I’m almost insulted by the distinct lack of creativity. I wonder if he gets his inspiration from Mr. Potter. Or the Grinch.” “I don’t like either of these examples,” Will says. “Because I think it makes me Uncle Billy and Max the dog respectively and I don’t know how to feel about that.”

“At least Uncle Billy actually makes sense, you know, name wise.” “Yeah, yeah, that’s generous of you.” He sighs, running a hand over his face and Killian isn’t sure he’s seen him look that exhausted since he spent three straight days trying to cram for a chemistry final during their sophomore year. If memory served, he hadn’t done all that great on that exam.

Killian hopes that’s not a sign.

“She was really freaked, you know,” Will says suddenly, jerking Killian’s attention back to the present and he realizes she’s not sitting on the stool anymore.

He scans the bar, only a few stragglers shrugging on coats and grumbling about the threat of overnight snow, a noise that feels like relief and sounds like something else entirely when his eyes land on her – curled up in a booth with her head on his balled-up jacket.

“That’s not subtle either,” Killian says.

“Yeah, I wasn’t trying to be. She was...I told her I didn’t know when you’d get back and she said she didn’t care, just wanted to be here when you did show and it took forever to finally get to give up what had that look on her face.” “And what look was that?” It’s a selfish question. It’s a needy question. Killian doesn't move his gaze away from Emma.

“Like she’d just watched her whole life flash in front of her eyes and realized she’d wasted a good amount of it not making out with her roommate,” Will says.

Killian has to bite his tongue to stop from dissolving into a puddle of several different emotions. “That’s a rather pointed opinion.” “It’s an obvious opinion. One several people share. Strangers on the street see you two together and immediately share that same opinion.” “C’mon, it’s not--” “--Why didn’t you tell her about this guy?” Killian turns his head. And that’s another mistake because Will is staring expectantly at him – brows lifted and one side of his mouth quirked up, a different towel than before draped over his shoulder. “I didn’t want her to worry,” Killian mutters. “I knew she was looking for that guy and it’s Christmas--there’s always more, you know, crime or whatever. Plus, we’ve got to go home in a couple weeks and…” “The fact that you just referred to Storybrooke, her hometown, as home and the place you’re going for Christmas gives me pause.” “I always go up there for Christmas.” He had – ever since he got assigned David Nolan as a roommate and David could not understand the concept of another human spending Christmas alone. So Killian had gone home with him, to Storybrooke, Maine, and met his mother and his little sister and everything had spiraled from there.

Driving back to Storybrooke with Emma is one of Killian’s favorite parts of Christmas now.

Will hums, and Killian wishes he’d do something with his face. “Right, right. So let me get this straight, you didn’t want to tell Emma that some asshole wants to buy our bar so he can single-handedly continue the gentrification of our neighborhood because you didn’t want to worry her when she’s got so much crime to fight before the two of you go to Maine to spend time with her family on a holiday that, at its core, is, like, the most family holiday ever?” “Don’t you think that’s Thanksgiving?” “No,” Will says easily. “And I think you looked like you’d seen several ghosts when she told you what happened today.” Killian’s stomach twists. “Yeah, well,” he reasons. “I…” “God, it’s so dumb. The whole thing is so incredibly dumb. Both of you.” “What?” Will doesn’t answer, just shakes his head and pushes Killian back towards the booth where Emma is still sleeping. “Take your very platonic roommate back to the apartment you share. Platonically. Where you can platonically tell her that you don’t know what you’d do if you lost her. Platonically.”

“You said that word so many times, I’m not even sure it has real meaning anymore,” Killian says, mostly so he can ignore the fluttering in his chest. Will totally knows that. As exhibited by the middle finger flashed his direction.

There’s no possible way Emma can be comfortable. It is, after all, a very old bar and very old booths and the wood can’t be very forgiving on her spine, but she doesn’t stir much when Killian walks forward – or when he winces at the sound his knee makes when he crouches by her head.

“Jesus,” he grumbles, reaching out a hand to brush a stray piece of hair away from her forehead before he can think better of it. “Swan.”

Nothing. No sound. No noise. She does move her head slightly though, like she’s trying to shift closer to his hand and there’s no way his internal organs can hold up to this for much longer.

“Swan,” Killian repeats. Still nothing. “Emma.” Her eyelids flutter. Figures.

“C’mon, love, it’s after last call. We’ve got to go home.” She opens her eyes, and for half a second it’s so goddamn endearing Killian is certain his entire soul has moved to some other plane because she looks at him like...everything and then some, lips curling up into a smile as she presses her cheek against his palm. She’s still got the antlers on her head.

“Did I fall asleep?” Killian hums. “Only for a little while, though. Probably didn’t mess up your sleeping patterns too much at all.” “Small miracles.” “Of the almost-Christmas variety.” “Is it weird that I fell asleep in your bar? That seems like it should be more weird.” “No, no, it’s cute.” “Cute?” “Cute,” Killian confirms, despite the rather loud alarm bells going off in his brain. This is suddenly dangerous and very thin ice. “And festive. Or something.”

Emma’s laugh is quiet, but his hand is still touching her and he can feel her breath on his skin. So, he’ll probably think about that until New Year’s. At least. “You going to walk me home?” “Would be rude otherwise. Scarlet knows how to lock doors.” “I don’t think it’s cute that you’re falling asleep in our bar, Em,” Will calls as she stands up, using Killian to keep her balance. That may be the only reason he doesn’t say anything to Will. “I think it’s a sign.” “Oh, yeah?” Emma asks. “Of what?” “I’m not at liberty to say.” She makes a face – all eyebrows and wide eyes, but she’s also leaning against Killian’s side and hasn’t actually objected to the arm around her shoulders, so maybe they’re all just going insane. Collectively.

Maybe Robert Gold won’t want to buy a building from crazy people.

“C’mon, love,” Killian says. “Let’s get out of here.”

Their apartment isn’t that far from the bar – only two blocks away, and they don’t move very quickly. It’s snowing, after all, but not quite frigid and the city-provided lights wrapped around the street lamps are almost enough to make Killian forget about all the bad lingering just on the outside of all of this.

And, really, he thinks that’s going to be it.

They walk the two blocks, Emma hands him her keys because she’s not always entirely coherent when she’s only just woken up, toeing out of her boots as soon as the door is closed behind her. And that should be it.

He’s got every intention of asking her if she’s alright again, but nothing more than that and--

“You know I never actually got to my part of the plan,” Emma says, which may be one of the last thing Killian expects her to say.

“What?” “My plan. I got distracted by gunshots and you not telling me stuff and me being kind of right when I was only half suggesting some asshole was trying to steal your bar.” “He’d give us money, Swan.” “It’s still stealing somehow.” “What’s your plan?” Emma takes a deep, the smile on her face moving in what feels like actual slow motion. “I want to reclaim our festivity.” “I don’t...I don’t understand.” “This is why I got the antlers. At first it was mostly because someone shot a gun at me today--” “--Fucking hell, Emma,” Killian groans, an exasperation in the words that doesn’t likely belong in any sort of platonic relationship. Especially one that’s discussing Christmas. But his lungs don’t seem to care and his ability to pull in oxygen is suddenly non-existent.

She winces. “If I make jokes about it, it’s a little bit easier.” “Please don’t make jokes about it.”

He hates that he sounds a bit like he’s begging, but he’s also a little more buzzed than he’d originally planned on being and only just realized that his jacket will probably smell like Emma’s hair for the next few weeks. At least.

Probably until Christmas.

There’s an odd poetry to it.

Of the torturous variety.

Emma nods, twisting her lip between her teeth and fisting her hands at her side. “No more jokes, I promise. Just--tourist attractions. And maybe some eggnog. When’s the last time you think you had eggnog?”

“I don’t know that I’ve had eggnog ever.” “How is that possible?” “Do you drink eggnog all the time?”

“Well, no, but that’s my point.” “This is the most roundabout way of getting there,” Killian says, if only because he knows it’ll get her to stop biting her lip. It does.

She smiles, stepping further into the apartment and sprawling on the couch. Killian doesn’t move, but then Emma’s crooking a finger towards him. It doesn’t take very long to walk after that, a few steps and his knee brushing hers when he sits down.

“Ok, so everything happened today and, well, I’ve got a good chunk of holiday time that I wasn’t going to take--” “--You are seriously the most stubborn human being on the planet, do you know that? Holiday time is meant to be taken off.” “I am never going to get to the plan if you keep interrupting me,” Emma says, but it comes out more like a sigh. They’ve moved a bit, slumping against cushions and blankets with Emma’s head resting on Killian’s shoulder. It’s more comfortable that way, he reasons. “Anyway,” she continues. “I have time and now, you know, they’re giving me some time and--” “--Swan!” “I can’t threaten to murder you in here. I like this apartment too much.” “That’s generous of you, love.” “‘Tis the season or whatever,” Emma grumbles, rapping her knuckles on his stomach. “The point I am desperately trying to make is that I’ve got some time off and we’ve got a whole city at our fingertips with a reputation for being particularly fun during Christmas. I think we should take advantage of that. Reclaim our festivity, as it were.” “And how do you propose we do that?”

“Well, we drink some goddamn eggnog first. But then we do all the stupid Christmas stuff in New York. A variety of trees and holiday markets and you know I’ve never been ice skating once in my life.” “It’s not that much fun,” Killian says. “Correct me if I’m wrong, Swan, but all of these things sound decidedly like tourist traps.” “Yes.” “Wow, that’s a much quicker agreement than I was anticipating.” “The tourists go there for reason. And I haven’t done them in forever. It could be fun.” “Or we could get trampled,” Killian counters. “Mad shoppers in the Bryant Park holiday market.” “I sincerely doubt that.”

Killian scoffs, considering the idea for a moment and, for half of that moment, it doesn’t seem that bad. Even with the threat of tourists and the possibility of making a complete fool of himself on some yet-to-be-determined skating rink.

Because, above all else, he really does enjoy spending time with Emma and it may be nice to remember that this time of year is, usually, nice. It may be nice to forget about Robert whatever his last name is for a few hours.

And he’s just about to agree, to promise that sounds good, Swan when she swings her legs over his, head tilted up to meet his eyes. He swallows back every word.

“I just…” Emma starts, scrunching her nose when she cuts herself off. “It started because I was feeling like shit and then I bought the stupid antlers, but then you weren’t at the bar and Scarlet wouldn’t give you up. I tried every interrogation technique I know.” “It’s because he’s not a normal human. That’s not a marker on your interrogation skills, love.”

“That’s generous. But I had half this plan and I was totally going to say something as soon as you got to the bar. Only then you got to the bar and were so annoyed, like, glowing with annoyance and I knew I was going to have to tell you about today and it all kind of snowballed and--” “--Was that a pun?” “Not intentionally.” “That’s impressive,” Killian murmurs. His fingers are moving. That’s weird. He can’t remember deciding to do that, but they’re dragging up the side of Emma’s arm and she hasn’t actually told him to stop.

“You’re on a compliment roll. Basically what I’m saying is it started as this very selfish thing that I was going to kind of drag you along with kicking and screaming, but if anyone deserves to have their festiveness restored than it’s you Mr. Ebenezer Grinch.” Killian chokes on the minimal amount of air in his lungs. “Ebenezer Grinch?” “Don’t forget the Mr. That’s important too.” “That doesn’t even make any sense.” “It does,” Emma objects. “I’m not entirely sure how, but I’m sure it does. So I want...I want to help. You and me. But mostly you now. I want to do something good. With us, I mean. Ah, no, that’s not what I mean. Not us us, just, like, you and me doing something together. As a unit. For Christmas. Oh God that sounds worse, doesn’t it?” “No.” “No?” “No,” Killian repeats. “If you’re going to make me drink eggnog though, you’re going to buy it, Swan. I’m not sure I’ll be able to drum up the courage.” It’s enough to get her to laugh again, head falling against his chest and Killian can feel her inhale deeply. “I’ve stolen so much of your alcohol stock over the years, it only seems fair we even it up at some point.” “This is definitely the way to do it.”

She makes a noise against his shirt, burrowing further against him. Maybe they can find spiked eggnog. Killian feels like he’s downed several gallons. “So that’s a plan, then? Operation: get festive is a go?” “Should we wear matching jackets?” “Don’t think I haven’t considered matching sweaters.” “That actually doesn’t surprise me,” Killian says, and it sounds like a far larger admission. “When did you want to go?” “Saturday?” “Saturday!” “Saturday.” “You want to go into the city on a Saturday in December? To tourist attractions?” “Part of the festivity is being around other people,” Emma reasons. “And we’ll go places besides the tourist attractions. I’m totally going to make a list.” “Of course you are. If I get run over by some family of five from Pennsylvania, all of them holding a variety of bags from Macy’s and several from those I Love NY stores in Midtown, not only am I going to hold you personally responsible, but I’m going to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.”

Emma presses her lips together – clearly doing her best not to laugh in his face. Killian isn’t sure if he appreciates that or not. Until she brushes her lips over his cheek, so quick he’s nervous he just imagined it, but he can’t possibly have imagined the way his entire body seems to light up at it and then he’s far too busy trying to cope with Emma curled against his side to worry about anything else.

“This will be fun,” she promises. “Festive. Close your eyes, Jones.” “Swan, we own beds.” “Yeah and I don’t want to get up. So either you’re going to carry me to bed or you’re just going to move slightly and we can both fit almost comfortably on this couch.” “That’s insane.” “In case you haven’t noticed, that’s how today has been.” Emma takes a deep breath, the arm around Killian’s stomach tightening slightly. “I can move if you want though.” She doesn’t quite whisper the last few words, but it’s dangerously close – a hint of nerves that he doesn’t ever want her to feel around him. And, well, that decides that.

“No, Swan, it’s fine,” Killian says, maneuvering them until they’re both on their sides and it doesn’t take very long for either one of them to fall asleep.

With her hair in his face.

#cs ff #captain swan #captain swan fic #captain swan ff #cs #secret santa fic #i've never done roommates before????#listen they're in love

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