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smellingofpoetry · 2 years

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Of secrets and sacrifices

Characters: Reader, Dean Winchester

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: "Dean remembered how calm it made him feel watching over her during his restless nights. Now, though, it was so painful. Everything he could see when he looked at her was blood."

Square/s Filled: Quote F: "Don't look me like that." "Like what?" "Like you still love me." (TMAS Bingo - @supernatural-jackles)

Warnings: angst, so much angst, some fluff too, implied smut

Words count: 2611

A/N: Hi there! It has been quite some time since the last time I posted a new story. This last month has been crazy, and I don't have much time anymore. I just hope to be able to write and post more often. Now, that being said, I've written this story for the challenges of two lovely people: @libre1rose8 and @roonyxx. For @libre1rose8 the prompts were: "Dean's green Hanley", "I have a secret to tell you" and "into the woods". For @roonyxx I had: "I have always been alone". You'll find the prompt in bold. Girls, I'm so terribly sorry for the delay, I just hope you're gonna like what I came up with. Before I leave you to the story, I wanted to thank the sweet @snowlovespie. Thank you so much for the love, support, and help with this one-shot, I appreciated it more than I can say.🖤 Let me know what you guys think. ;)

Dean Winchester Masterlist - Masterlist

It has been months since the last time they shared a room. Since then, many things had changed, while others had seemed to remain the same.

She still slept with his green Hanley.

He still spent his night looking at her.

Dean remembered how calm it made him feel watching over her during his restless nights. Now, though, it was so painful. Everything he could see when he looked at her was blood.

Blood was on his hands while he was cutting through the soft skin of her abdomen. Her screams still resonated in his ears.

He could already feel the panic starting to creep on him at that memory.

No, wait.

That wasn't…

… that didn't happen.

Did it?

Then why could he still feel her warm blood between his damn fingers?

Dean sat up fast, feeling the air getting shorter with each breath. The cold under his feet was the only thing able to, somehow, ground him, while his hand wouldn't stop trembling. Those images, still stuck in the back of his head, were ready to torture him.

He scratched at his stubbled cheek, dragging his fingers to his eyes and rubbing them. He shouldn't have taken this hunt. He knew something was up the moment Sam had told him about the hunt, insisting for Dean to go help some random hunter asking for backup. He should have known it was about her. To be honest, though, it wasn't Sam's fault, not entirely. Dean was to blame too because he should have left as soon as his suspicions were confirmed. At the end of the day, though, he was a weak mean.

So, here he was in the middle of the night, in a cabin in the woods. So far away from home, trying to deal with something that he thought had been already dealt with.

Dean had never been so wrong in his whole life.

He realized it as soon as he saw her in the empty parking lot, leaning against her green olive car months after Michael. She was more beautiful than he remembered, and the mere sight of her was enough to overwhelm him with a new wave of pain.

He sighed, glancing at the woman sleeping in the bed next to him. Y/N – the woman he had loved once.

No.

Wrong.

The woman he still loved.

The same woman Michael was threatening him with. The one Dean had tortured to death over and over again. And it didn't matter if that was only a simple mind game to keep him in line. It had felt real to him.

She was the one he had to push away, and, damn, if that hadn't hurt.

"Another nightmare?"

Dean froze at the sound of her voice. He could hear her shuffling between the sheets but kept his back to her.

"Something like that."

He cleared his throat, glancing over his shoulder, trying to follow her every move. Dean watched as she adjusted against the headboard, patting the free space next to her. He turned a bit more in her direction while deciding if moving closer as she asked him to was a good idea. Dean shifted his gaze from her to the space between them a couple of times. He knew it was a bad idea when he felt his body move of its accord, taking the seat next to her. Dean leaned against the headboard, arms crossed over his chest. He left as much space between them as possible, too worried about what would happen if he got too close to her. Instead, Y/N had to bite her lip to hold back a smile as she remembered herself to keep her hopes low.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"No, not really."

Y/N nodded, not that surprised by his response. She sank more into the pillow behind her back, crossing her ankles. Her hands tucked under her legs to warm them up. She let the silent washed over them. She stole a glance in his direction from time to time until she found the courage to speak again.

"I've been missing this… you."

She could feel the warmth surging from her neck to her cheeks as soon as her words were out. Dean swallowed hard - eyes squeezed shut, and head turned - trying to keep his emotion in check. She dared to glance his way when it was clear that no response would come from him. Her heart quickened its pace.

"I hope you've missed me sometimes too."

Dean got up from the bed at that, a painful smile on his lips, rubbing at his forehead with the tips of his fingers. He kept his back to her, trying to come up with something to say. It seemed like his brain wasn't cooperating because, of course, he had missed her. He had missed her more than he should have. He had missed her more than it was possible.

He missed her like air, and he didn't give a crap if it was too cheesy.

"I didn't, and you shouldn't have either."

And, of course, he had to go and say the worst possible thing because going back now wasn't an option. Little did it matter if his heart was cracking, words afterwords. One more scar and he wouldn't have survived all that pain. He could feel it in his bones, and turning to face her, sitting in the middle of the bed, with her eyes on him, didn't help. It just made things worse.

"Don't look me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you still love me."

"But I do. Nothing can change that."

Dean licked his lips, biting them right back. Head down, he rested his hands on his hips, already regretting what he was about to say.

"Me cheating on you should have had."

He was being a dick. Dean was well aware of that, but that was the only defense he had left to protect her. Y/N nodded her head, looking down at her hands. She trailed the movements of her fingers playing with the hem of her – his – green shirt. All it took was a glimpse at her sad smile for the guilt to come back in full force. She faced him again a few moments later, and Dean braced himself for what was coming next. He knew very well he deserved whatever she was throwing at him.

"I have a secret to tell you."

He frowned in confusion because it wasn't quite what he had expected. He didn't even know what it was. So, he kept silent for once, giving her a chance to say something more, to make him understand.

"I know you didn't cheat on me."

Her voice was a whisper, and Dean could have sworn he'd heard her wrong if it wasn't for the look in her eyes. He was ready to deny it when a simple gesture of her hand stopped him.

"I knew you were lying, and I let you."

He didn't know if it was that small revelation or her watering eyes, but the fight inside him started to fade away. He walked towards the bed, seating on the edge; his mind going a mile a minute trying to elaborate on what Y/N had told him.

She knew all along.

Dean had thought it was a smart move. He thought that lying and hurting her that way would be enough to make sure she would leave the bunker – him – behind. It was the only way to protect her from Michael – from himself.

"Why?"

"To give you a better chance at fighting Michael."

Dean turned around, searching for Y/N's eyes, founding her closer than he thought. One more movement and he could have touched her and, damn, if he wanted to.

"You had a nightmare the first night you were back. You were saying things… you were begging someone to stop, and then you said my name. Since then, you pulled away from me. So, I started to have more and more suspicion even though I didn't say anything about it."

Dean never looked away from her, not once. Not even to blink.

"He was keeping you in line by threatening me, wasn't it?"

He didn't even need to nod for her to know it was the truth. She had known since that night but had kept quiet because too scared, even more than she would have liked to admit. She had been holding on until she couldn't take it anymore.

"That night, the night you said those things to me... I figured it all out, and I thought with me out of the picture, you'd have a better chance of beating him. Giving you an advantage by letting him think you hurt me so bad that I was going to leave and never come back, then…"

She could feel her cheeks getting wetter and wetter while she got rid of the tears with the back of her hand.

"And I was kinda right until I wasn't anymore, and you decided to go suicidal with that damn Ma'lak box."

"How do you know about that?"

"I was there every step of the way, even if you couldn't see me. Do you think I could ever give up on you?"

Y/N tilted her head to one side, trying to study him up as best she could. Dean blinked a few times at her question.

Did he think she could give up on him?

Dean wouldn't blame her if she did it. He knew that being with him came at a cost, and he would have never asked her to pay the price, not for him. He wasn't worth the trouble; at least that was what he thought.

"Sam kept me updated among hunts. I've helped your mom with a couple of hunts. I was at her house when you got there."

Dean narrowed his eyes, remembering what happened when sleeping on his mother's couch. An amused smile appeared on his face.

"So, it was your shirt, the one I found."

Y/N nibbled at her lower lip, a small smile confirming his suspicions. She got closer to him. Their hands almost touched until she felt one of his fingers brushing her warm skin.

"You told my mom to call Sam."

"No, it was me. I called Sam."

"What? No, Sam said…"

"…that your mom was worried, which was true, but I was the one who called him. I did it the moment I found the box."

"You were still there?"

"I wanted to be sure everything was okay before leaving."

"All right, you got me!"

As much as he tried, Dean couldn't keep the pride out of his voice. His girl got him back just right. He should have been mad because his plan backfired. Yet, he couldn't deny that he was so damn impressed and quite turned on if he had to be honest. Y/N lowered her eyes, feeling redness rise on her already warm cheeks under Dean's gaze.

"I'm blaming Michael for that. In no other circumstance, I would've been able to pull it off."

Dean raised his hand, capturing a stray lock of her hair between his fingers. He turned the strand around his index a few times before bringing it behind her ear. Y/N lifted her gaze, meeting his green eyes halfway. The smile on his face caught her off guard. So, she took a few more seconds studying him until she couldn't take it anymore.

"Say something, please."

"You're becoming one hell of a hunter."

She felt his hands on her middle, guiding her to sit on his lap. She had to fight hard to stop the grin that was trying to slip past her lips. Once he had her in his arms, he took his time to look at her. Dean traced every line of her features, realizing at that very moment how much he had missed her.

"All this time, I thought I was protecting you while you were the one protecting me."

"Are you mad?"

"I wish you wouldn't have put yourself in danger because of me? Hell yes, but no, I'm not angry."

Y/N could feel her heart quickening its pace in her chest as a shy little smile showed up on her rose lips. She let her hands wander along his arms, stopping as they reached his shoulders. She touched the collar of his shirt with her fingertips, playing with the soft fabric. Dean stared at her mesmerized, shivering at the feeling of her nails scratching his skin.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Everything? I shouldn't have…"

Dean turned away, shaking his head. He felt disappointed with himself for not being able to find the right words to apologize to her. Y/N cupped his face in her slender hands, caressing his stubbled cheeks with her thumbs.

"I'm sorry for hurting you, Y/N."

She let go of his face, wrapping her arms around his neck, leaning her forehead against his, a small smile on her lips.

"Michael was the one trying to hurt me – us – not you."

"But I've let him."

"That's not possible, and you know why?"

Dean shook his head, tightening the hold around her center, pulling her even closer. She let her finger trail through his hair, massaging his scalp.

"Because of that look in your eyes whenever you're willing to sacrifice yourself for someone you love. I still remember the first time I saw it; I was so jealous at how damn lucky Sam was to have you as his keeper. I'm not proud to admit it, but seeing that kind of love…"

Y/N swallowed hard, struggling to hold back the tears that were threatening to roll down from her already red and puffy eyes.

"The night you said those things to me, you had that same look in your eyes, I saw it, and it was from me then, only me. You were looking at me that way, and it just broke my heart because I knew what that meant, and I couldn't let that happen. I have always been alone, you know, so knowing I was going to be once again shouldn't have scared me that much, but it did. It did because Michael had been trying to take away that one person who has ever cared about me, and I couldn't let him."

She closed her eyes, feeling the tears warming her cheeks. Dean cupped her cheeks with his hands, wiping her tear-stained skin with his thumb. Y/N leaned into his palm. Her eyes fluttered open when his lips found their way to her forehead. They traveled down her temple, leaving a trail of soft kisses.

"You wouldn't have believed me no matter what I'd said, did you?"

Y/N shook her head, a teary smile on her face. She leaned forward, searching for his mouth. She brushed her lips against his warm ones, as Dean stood still, watching her every move.

One glance later, she was kissing him, and it was like being alive again.

It was like every single fiber of his being was on fire. He had experimented with that kind of feeling before. This one, though, was something quite different and sweeter. He was willing to be consumed by her kisses, and that's what he did.

In that shared bed, with trembling fingers and short breaths, they found their way back together. And it wasn't until they were lying in the rumpled sheets that she dared ask him.

"Dean?"

"Uhm?"

"Is it okay for me to come back home now?"

Dean smiled, pulling her closer to his chest before kissing the crown of her head.

"You never really left."

Forevers Tags:

@440mxs-wife @cosicas-cuquis @foxyjwls007 @morganaah

Supernatural Tags:

@flamencodiva @hobby27 @keep-beating-my-dear-heart @leigh70 @littlewhiterose @pastelpeaxch @snowlovespie @stixnstripesworld

Dean/Jensen Tags:

@akshi8278 @awkward-and-indecisive @deandreamernp @lyarr24 @siospins2 @stitchintimefan @universallyraylangivens @waynes-multiverse @woodworthti666 @sexyvixen7

#libre1rose8goes300 #roonyxxs2Kcelebration #dean winchester #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester fanfiction #dean winchester fic #michael!dean #supernatural #supernatural fic #supernatural fanfiction #spn #spn fic #spn fan fiction #spn fanfiction #secrets #sacrifices

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roonyxx · 2 years

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The Raven: Part 1

Summary: A new threat to the world brings the boys back in action. She is big and bad, very bad. But is everything as it seems or is there more to her story?

Pairing: Dean x reader

Trope: enemies to lovers

Word count: 1600

Chapter warnings: none really for this chapter, maybe some language.

A/N: This will be a series I wrote for @holylulusworld 15.555 spin the bottle followers celebration! My trope is Secret Crush!

The Raven Masterlist

My Masterlist

Dean Pov

I should have known that we can’t get one week without another bad guy waiting for us.

Well, bad woman this time.

“What’s her name again?” I ask Cas who just appeared in the bunker to tell us about a new threat to the world.

“We don’t know her real name, but they call her ‘The Raven’” Cas answerers.

“Not ominous at all…” I sigh.

“What is she?” Sam asks Cas.

“An ancient type of witch is what we suspect.”

“Suspect? So even Heaven doesn’t know this psycho chick ?”

“No, she has stayed under our radar for a long time, we have no record of her kind, or when she was born or where she came from. It is as if she didn’t exist before last week.” Cas says as he scans our bookshelf and pulls out an old book and starts leaving through it.

“And what exactly happened last week ?” I ask while I watch Sam and Cas look through the books they got spread out on the table.

“Nothing.” Cas says without looking up from the book.

“Nothing ?” I ask, hoping he will clear it up more.

“Heaven detected an immense blast of magic, it spread over the entire world.” He explains.

“That doesn’t sound like nothing. What happened?”

No, it sounds like we have another major problem on our hands. I get up to take a drink.

Another major being to take down…

When will they stop coming? Will the world ever be safe, what happens if Sam and I are gone. Will the world just end with the next threat?

I though that now we ended Chuck we would be safe, that we could even slow down a little, but it seems like this Raven, whoever she is, has other ideas.

“We don’t know, we can’t detect anything out of order, or any spells. None of the alarms are going off and there are no apocalyptic signs of any kind so theoretically, nothing happened.” Cas explains.

“Unless she hid it.” Sam says.

“Yes, that’s why I am asking for your help.” Cas looks up at me, “I know you wanted to slow down now that Chuck is gone. But we have never seen anything like this. She is powerful if her range can cover the entire Earth.”

I empty my glass and feel both Sam and Cas’s gaze on me. Weighing me down. The familiar weight on my shoulders feels even harder now.

With Chuck gone, so was the weight. For that short period of time I felt light and free.

But now it is back and it is twice as heavy. Maybe I’m just getting to old for this shit.

“It’s fine” I say, “What’s one more, right?”

“Not only did she cover the entire Earth” Sam starts “She also managed to cloak it from Heaven. I will call Rowena to ask if she noticed anything.”

“Right, you do that and Cas and I will try find this witch bitch.” I sit down with a sigh and open a book and start researching for this witch.

Sam takes out his phone and leaves the room to call Rowena. She might know this woman.

“So Cas, what do we know about her.”

“In the week we have known of her existence, Heaven has looked into it and found few witnesses of her.”

“Alright, hit me” I say while looking at the angel.

“She was last sighted in the black forest in Germany. A group of hikers saw a woman floating between the trees while chanting in a strange language.”

“Ah yes floating, not creepy at all. I guess she was speaking Latin.”

“Presumably yes”

“Presumably? You didn’t ask them.” I wonder.

“They are dead.”

“What?”

“They were found in the forest, their eyes picked out by some kind of bird.”

“How did you get their confession then?” Nothing he says makes sense.

“In Heaven, I went to them and asked, but no one in Heaven remembers their death fully, it’s to make it less horrible for them.”

“You could have lead with that… so she killed them because they saw her. How do you know she is called The Raven?”

“We found ancient texts about a witch called The Raven. All her victims have their eyes picked out by a bird. She kills anyone that ever witnessed her, so there isn’t a lot to go on.”

“If she kills everyone, how can there be texts about her?” I ask him.

“Somehow word about her spread through lore and bedtime stories to keep children out of the woods. Some people mentioned she sings in the dreams of those who did something wrong. Those who heard the song often died soon after.”

Cas takes an old codex out of his trench coat and opens it on a page with strange symbols and a drawing of a floating lady above the fire.

“Those who did something wrong? She is a vigilante?” Doesn’t the bad guy normally kill the good guys?

“They is no more description about how she chooses her victims. Only that their death is gruesome and marked by the empty eye sockets.”

I shudder when an image of two gaping holes in a head stare at me, flashes before my eyes. Freaking witches…

I look at the drawing of the woman on the old brown page.

She floating above the fire, her arms spread wide. A flock of ravens have tainted the sky black.

Her hair is long and her eyes…

They aren’t there. As if her own eyes have been picked out.

“What happened to her eyes ?” I ask Cas while touching the drawing.

When my finger tip connects to the paper I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. My whole body flares, ready for the fight or flight reaction.

And deep in my mind, all the way in the back, I feel a trinkle of something…

I snatch my hand back from the book.

“Dean?” Cas looks at me, obviously concerned. “What happened?”

“I don’t know.” I feel as if my bones have been dipped into cold water. I slight rub my arm to get rid of the cold.

“Dean?” Cas asks again.

“Nothing, she just gives me the creeps, I hate witches.” I take a deep breath and notice my heart is raging with adrenaline.

She is bad, very very bad news…

“Guys…” Sam steps back inside and his eyes land on the drawing. “Rowena has heard of her.”

“And?” I ask.

“She says to stay away. She never saw or met the Raven but she knew of a Coven who wanted The Raven to be a part of them.”

“Let me guess, all dead?” I say sarcastically.

“Yes, they were tortured, spines extracted and their eyes were gone. Rowena said that among the witches she is known as the Queen of Death.”

“The Raven, Queen of Death. This lady just gets more fun and fun…” I rub my face in annoyance.

Where is the time we just hunted a shifter?

“She said that if we go after her, we’re dead meat walking.” Sam plops down in a chair, I notice he is a little pale.

“What else, Sam.” I ask, he is hiding something.

I can see it in the way he is avoiding eye contact, the ways his hands twitch and his shoulders are hunched.

“She said that if she cast a spell over the entire world, she might be raising an army against Heaven.”

“Against Heaven?” Cas pipes up. “Why”

“Rumors among the witches are going around that she did something. Something unacceptable, and that Heaven will punish her.”

Cas frowns. And it is so weird to see this sort of frown on him. Cas frowns a lot, when he doesn’t understand a reference or an emotion or anything basic human.

But this kind of frown, the one of the soldier that Cas is, the one who spends millennia on a battle field in Heaven.

The one that says he really has no idea what is going on in Heaven or what she did to Earth.

This one frightens me.

“We don’t know of anything that happened.” Cas starts pacing.

“What kind of army?” I ask Sam, seeing that he still isn’t looking at us, that means there is more.

“An army of the dead” he breathes out, “Every single corpse on this Earth will wake and walk under her command.”

“That’s over 107 billion people” Cas says.

“And it’s an army of the dead… they don’t need to sleep or eat or rest. They can go on forever.” I say.

“Exactly…” Sam sighs “This is worse than Chuck.” He says.

“I need to go back and prepare immediately.” Cas says, he sounds worried, which is rare for an angel with little emotions. “Tell me if you find anything new.”

He disappears before I can even suggest that we will not get involved in this. But do we have a choice? If we do nothing Earth will become a battle field…

“Guess our little holiday is over.”

“Yeah… Rowena said she would look into it as much as she can. But she won’t risk her life for it.” Sam runs his hand through his hair.

“Understandable, she has her hands full with Hell already.”

“Yeah” Sam takes the codex Cas left on the table and stares at the drawing. “Is this her?”

“Yes, a real beauty, isn’t she?”

He leans closer and touches the page. I look for any signs if he feels the same thing I felt when I touched it.

But he doesn’t shiver or snatch his hand back.

“I’ll read this one. You can look in the German part of our books. Rowena said she spend most of her time in the black forest.”

I get up and take those books.

“My favorite kind…”

“One more, Dean” Sam says to try encourage me.

“Yeah, one more.”

But what if this one is one too much…

#The Raven #The raven part 1 #roonyx #enemies to lovers #roonyxx #dean winchester #supernatural #spn fanfic #dean x reader #dean angst #angst #dean smut

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ambersock · 1 year

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Sam Winchester Appreciation Week 2023 | Day 6 | Fav' moment with another character: Sam and Mary

All the things we should've said (AO3)

“Donatello's in this because of me. A police officer is dead because of me. I'm the one who let Nick go, I'm the one who…” Sam looks heavenward in anger and grief. “What was I thinking?”

Mary looks at Sam, really looks at him in a way she hasn’t since she came back.

She’d kept a distance between Sam and herself for a long time, and it was more than just the fact that she had only known him as a baby, that she was gone before he had even developed the idea of permanence. And it was more than the guilt she’s carried around with her for dooming him to years, decades, of suffering because of her deal to save John. Ever since she’d returned, Sam has treated her like the perfect mother he imagined her to be, something that she knows she couldn’t live up to, and she just couldn’t face his disappointment.

Except… she was wrong. It’s not that Sam has been projecting his ideal vision of a mother onto her. This is just how he actually sees her, as the best version of herself, even knowing all of her flaws and despite everything that’s happened to him because of her rash decisions. Because that’s how Sam sees everyone.

She wishes Sam could see himself that way, too. Even with how much time they’ve been apart for the past couple of years, with the hunting and the time she was stuck in Apocalypse World, Mary hasn’t missed the anger and the criticism hurled at Sam, people he loves lashing out at him when they’re under stress and there’s no one else to blame. She knows how she’d react if it was her on the receiving end: she’d chew them a new one. Several new ones. Maybe deck them for good measure. Dean gets that from her. But that’s not Sam; he takes on their pain, never reflecting it back, never projecting his own onto anyone else, just absorbing it all like a sponge. And when he becomes saturated, it comes out like this, turning that pain inward into self-loathing. It kills her when he does this to himself.

What Sam never gets to see is the whispered respect, awe even, amongst other hunters he’s lead. The amazement on Dean’s face when Sam makes that mental connection that everyone else missed. How Jack looks up to him. Mary’s own admiration for his uncanny ability to make everyone around him want to be better. Yet he’s focused entirely on building everyone else up while tearing himself down. It’s about damn time someone tells Sam what he needs to hear, build him up for a change, and maybe Mary has been far from an ideal mother, but this is something she can do for him.

“You gave him a chance because you felt for him… because you're a good man.”

Sam looks away in disbelief, down in self-deprecation. Mary wants so badly to get through to him, make him see that this is a strength, not a fault. She pulls out her secret weapon, the Mom Voice, the one that demands full attention and brooks no argument.

“You are.” Sam’s eyes lock onto hers and focus. “It's one of the reasons I'm so proud of you.”

The truth of it hits home, something in Sam releases its hold, and a corner of Sam’s mouth tweaks upwards in a ghost of a smile.

If Mary ever needed any reason or justification for being brought back, this would be more than enough.

#samwinchesterweek #2023

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orionsangel86 · 3 years

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SPN Conspiracies - Applying Logic to Chaos

Its been over 2 months now since the Supernatural finale aired. I am still so angry, hurt, and confused by it and I don’t think I will ever get closure unless someone like Andrew Dabb, or Jensen Ackles, actually opens up and gives us an explanation that makes sense.

What annoys me most right now is people trying to gaslight fans into believing that we should accept the narrative we have been given at face value: That the finale was always planned to be that way, that Destiel was never on the cards, that there was no Network interference, that the only changes made were due to covid and were minor at best.

This harmful gaslighting is FALSE.

NO ONE KNOWS THE TRUTH OF WHAT HAPPENED.

Look, I don’t agree with some of the crazier conspiracy theories. I don’t believe that there was some huge campaign among the CW Network execs to remove anything remotely gay out of homophobia. I don’t believe that the finale was changed because of some desire to make it into a Walker promo. I don’t believe that the finale was really bad on purpose in protest by Dabb for not getting to do an ending he truly wanted. I don’t believe that Dabb left us smart fans a bunch of secret messages in the finale to hint that he was on our side all along and that everything was fake.

I do, however, believe that all of these conspiracy theories have some elements in them that are plausible. At least, more plausible than the bullshit narrative mentioned above that some people are pushing in some desperate attempt to defend the Network (which imo is really strange behaviour anyway - why would anyone care about a TV network with a history of terrible behaviour?!?)

We have facts, based on information provided before the covid lockdown, which for some reason, people like Misha have since backpeddled on. So let me try to outline some of the information that makes no sense.

Below the cut I go on a deep dive into the conspiracies and statements I have heard about the SPN finale and try to make some sense of this whole fucked up situation. It gets long.

1. “Cas was never gonna be in the finale”.

False: We have many fan accounts of Misha confirming that he was filming the finale. We have video evidence of Misha confirming he was going back to film the finale after the lockdown. We have confirmation from fans in Misha M&Gs from March that he had about 5 days of filming left.

We also had fan accounts of discussions with Alex Calvert (I think) where he confirmed the final shot of the final episode was all four of them though I would LOVE if someone can find a source for this.

2. Okay, Misha was gonna be in the finale, but only as Jimmy Novak

False: I heavily side eyed Misha when he said this. But I think I can come up with a plausible explanation for it. Per above, Misha was supposed to film for 5 days. This does not align with the half a day he described of filming as Jimmy Novak. My own belief is that after Cas was cut from the finale (for whatever reason we don’t know) someone (probably Jensen Ackles) put up a fight and complained that Misha should be there for the final episode. The writers probably tried to come up with a way to bring Misha back without having to deal with Cas, and pitched the idea of Jimmy Novak being in Heaven. Misha, obviously annoyed about this, turned this stupid pitch down.

3. Destiel was never a thing, never planned, never part of Dabb’s ending. Bobo and Misha pushing the confession was the part of the season that was Wrong.

False: We have a SPN writer on record saying that Castiel’s confession was the first thing written for Season 15 when the writers returned to the writers room. If it wasn’t planned, why was it the first thing written, why does it align so well with the rest of season 15? Look I know some people either a. hate destiel and refuse to see it even if it slaps them in the face, or b. have major heteronormative goggles on, or c. are just homophobes in denial, but 15x18 fits in perfectly with the narrative of season 15. Everything Cas says, everything that happened in that scene was so in character it just works. It fit. If you just rewatch the season whilst applying some critical thinking skills and pay attention to the narrative and character arcs, trust me, the confession fits in with pretty much every other plot point, and character story in the season.

Also: We have known for a while that the network did market research into Destiel, wanting to know if it would go down well or not. They were well aware of its popularity and considering it. Where would this have come from if not pitched by the showrunner? Dabb must have at least been considering it. If you take all of Dabb era into consideration, starting with mid season 11, all the way through the season 12 build up, season 13 grief arc, and then Bobo’s Destiel break up arc in late season 14, early season 15, it is clear that there was some toing and froing on the issue of Destiel, but ultimately, I still believe that Dabb was on board. He wrote 13x01 for christs sake. No way he wasn’t taking it seriously.

4. It’s always been about the brothers. The finale just stays true to what Supernatural is all about.

*rubs temples* Fundamentally FALSE: The show has time and again reasserted the message of “Family don’t end with blood”, as well as the messages of AKF and YANA. Sam and Dean may be at the heart of the show, but a heart can’t exist without a body to support it. Without bones, and lungs, and blood, and muscles, and a BRAIN. The finale abandons the shows core messages. It forces the characters back into their season 1 characterisations and the whole thing becomes hollow and souless. But I’m not here to complain, I’m here to lay down the facts. Dean’s heaven was supposed to be surrounded by loved ones right? We know OG Charlie Bradbury was gonna be in his Heaven, we also know CAS was gonna be in there. So this idea that the finale as it currently stands was how it was meant to be is wrong. Dean was supposed to die and reunite with his found family and loved ones. This alone would have been a far better ending than the one given. Do I think this was solely a covid issue? Fuck no.

The randoms that WERE in the finale are proof alone that they could have got people in and quarantined. We also have several actors on record saying that they WOULD have quarantined for the finale had they been asked to return but they WEREN’T.

Lies have been told. Samantha Ferris and Chad Limberg have confirmed that we have been lied to about the original plans for the finale.

This alone is proof enough that there is more plausibility in some of the conspiracy theories than any bullshit narrative some people are pushing in defence of the barbaric mess of a finale we were given.

So lets address some of the conspiracy theories now:

Conspiracy No.1: The CW Network reviewed Supernatural during the covid break, and due to homophobia, refused any Destiel arc that wasn’t already filmed, shut down any potential reciprocation from Dean, and forced Dabb to change his finale.

I don’t think this is entirely what happened. But I do think it is very strange how there is a such a huge disconnect particularly in Dean’s characterisations between what had come before the lockdown, and what came after. The one fact we have here, and please someone provide a source if you can find it because I know there is one, the finale script was still going through changes up to only 2 weeks before it was filmed. We know that there was some weird editing in 15x18 (which was still in post and uncompleted before lockdown) and we know from Jensen’s own mouth that there was more to the confession scene on Dean’s side that was cut. We also know that this isn’t the first time that Destiel heavy moments have been changed in post - the prayer scene is another big scene that went through a lot of changes and Bobo fought to have his script play out the way he wanted it.

There are certain things that in my own opinions, are basically true of SPN which I have put together from years of keeping one eye on the writers room, the network, and all the various comments made. My opinion is this:

The writers room has always been split on Destiel. Some writers heavily supported making it canon, others did not care, or were against it.

The Network considered it over the course of several years, did market research, green lit it, then changed their minds, possibly several times over the course of Dabb’s era. Destiel was pitched to the Network early in Dabb era.

The crew on set were also split. Some people heavily supported it, and worked to assist the reading, whereas others did not care/did not support it. The same can be said for the editing room.

Bob Singer supported the subtextual homoeroticism, but never supported bringing it into text (this is an opinion, but I think it aligns with everything we know about him.) IMO Bob Singer also supported subtextual homoeroticism between Sam and Dean - the guy is gross is what I’m saying. He isn’t exactly a progressive person.

Fun fact - a while back our old enemy Sera Gamble went on a Twitter rant about writers rooms and the ways a script goes through changes. I don’t think this was in relation to the SPN finale wank but she basically inadvertantly confirmed that the Network can step in and make sweeping changes to a script if they want to and if they decide they don’t like the direction of a story. Sera Gamble confirmed this as a fact.

Now. I’m not saying that this is what the CW did with Destiel. I just think its very strange how pre lockdown, the last thing filmed is a heartfelt homosexual declaration of love between Dean and Cas, and we have a finale script that Misha had not seen, but knew that he was meant to film as Castiel for 5 days (5 days on set is over half of an episode as far as I know). Then all of a sudden, Covid happens, and Cas is cut from the finale completely, a desperate attempt to bring Misha back only as Jimmy Novak takes place, which Misha rightly refuses, leading to a finale which makes zero sense narratively and appears in every way completely and utterly butchered.

The only explanation provided by anyone involved is that Covid meant changes had to happen - but that covid didn’t change the actual story at all.

But this makes no sense because we know that Cas was cut from the finale. This is FACT. Do not let anyone gaslight you into thinking otherwise. Misha was preparing to quaranting to return to set as Cas post Covid, so whatever happened to cut Cas from the finale, it wasn’t Covid.

I’m gonna have to Occum’s Razor this and say that the most logical explanation here is the one that is most likely true. Someone got cold feet with the Destiel story, and to prevent any possible interpretation that included Dean reciprocating, any hints of Destiel were removed from the finale script, including Castiel’s whole appearance.

Now, this isn’t me saying I think that Dabb’s original finale was full of Destiel love confessions and a homosexual kiss or whatever, but I am asking you all to really think about it and ask yourselves WHY Cas would have been totally cut from an episode he was supposed to be in at LEAST half of?

We will probably never know the real reason Cas was cut, but he WAS cut. I’m not saying it was all homophobia, but some fuckery went down.

Conspiracy No. 2: The CW Network changed the finale to make it into a Walker promo because they only cared about raising up Jared and not Jensen and Misha as they were losing them anyway.

I don’t agree with this in terms of the finale being butchered solely to make it into a Walker promo. There are however moments in the finale that are clearly supposed to be Walker Easter Eggs and added to excite fans of Jared/Sam in particular such as Sam’s gratuitous and unnecessary topless scene, as well as the call on the “case in Austin”.

I will take this moment to say something pretty damn controversial though.

*Deep breath*

The fact is, Dean Winchester has been the “lead” character of Supernatural’s narrative for years now, with Sam often being sidelined and not given great storylines himself. Even in Season 15, right up until the finale, I myself felt bad for Sam sometimes because so much of this show has become all about Dean. Jensen Ackles is clearly the better actor when it comes to emotional story arcs, so the emotional heart of the story has most often leant on him.

So you can understand my confusion, when this is turned on its head in the final episode, to make Sam carry all the emotional weight, and have the most lines/screentime, and story resolution (even if his story resolution was just as crappy as Dean’s).

If we pretend that Destiel is not a thing, and ignore Cas’s confession, the story change in the finale from Dean focus to Sam focus is still rather suspicious. Again, I’m not saying I completely approve of or agree to the conspiracy theory that Walker influenced the butchering of the script, but I can believe that perhaps a note went down from the CW to someone like Bob Singer, to emphasise Sam/Jared more than they perhaps would normally, because the CW wanted to shine the spotlight on Jared to raise excitement for Walker.

I can also believe this note might have said something like “we wanna cater to fans of Sam/Jared the most - don’t do anything to piss them off.” but now I am getting into my own conspiracy theories so by all means dismiss this as me being bitter.

Conspiracy No.3: Dabb purposely made it bad, as a secret message to Destiel fans that he had been silenced, by layering meta clues into the episode that he knew fans would notice.

I doubt this one is true. Though some of the theories are quite compelling. The old vampire silent movie theory for instance starts off quite well, but loses me the moment it brings up Urban Dictionary slang.

Sometimes I have just had to accept that Supernatural is a bad show that is sometimes accidentally a masterpiece. However, some writers really did go That Deep with their stories - anything by Ben Edlund or Steve Yockey for instance, their episodes are meta masterpieces with a hundred different layers of beautiful subtextual storytelling and are a joy to analyse. Bobo Berens has certainly done some A+++ work especially now we KNOW that he was working hard all this time to bring Destiel to canon text (so any analysis of Destiel in the subtext in his episodes is very accurate). There have been many other key elements analysed over the years which have been confirmed true. Cas’s death in Season 12, Dean’s time as a demon in season 10, Season 11 ending in unity of dark and light, these were all plot points predicted by meta writers just by analysing the narrative. Sometimes the writers really have been very smart and they do add things to the show to aid us in our meta.

Richard Speight Jr for instance, confirmed that SPN has a visual library that the production team use to give clues and hints in the narrative. Pizza, for example, always means a lie has been told. Whenever Pizza is being eaten or even just mentioned on screen, there is dishonesty in that particular moment.

The beers also have a very specific message and the one thing I can’t let go about the finale, was that Dean was drinking El Sol beer. The beer his dad gave him, that was terrible.

El Sol has been used in the show to indicate something being wrong, a fake reality, or another lie, for the longest time. It is the beer of deception.

The fact that in the final episode of this entire show, Dean is in Heaven, supposedly at peace, and then he gets handed an El Sol beer to drink? Thats a HUGE red flag for any meta writer watching who can read SPNs visual library.

If they had given him the Margiekugel beer of family then it would make sense. Dean is in Heaven, with Bobby, his family, at peace. Margiekugel should have been the beer of choice. But nope. El Sol. Something is wrong.

I don’t know if it was Dabb, or Singer, or some disgruntled ADs and crew members who added these elements into the finale, but their very presence confirms some message of Wrongness.

I could go into a huge rant about Vampire Mimes not making sense and the very glaringly obvious symbolism of cutting out peoples tongues too, but that is high school level film analysis. It’s obvious. It means to silence someone. There is validity in interpreting this as Dabb saying he was silenced. I don’t know how true it is, but i can’t 100% dismiss it, because as I said, this is high school analysis levels of obvious subtextual storytelling.

So in summary, whilst I don’t think that Dabb intentionally went out of his way to sabotage his own script, and leave a breadtrail of secret messages for savvy fans to put together to confirm that he was silenced by an evil network into not getting what he wanted... I do think that there is validity in questioning these odd choices for the finale. Cutting out tongues? Vampire Mimes? El Sol beer?

The evidence is somewhat compelling is all I’m saying. I don’t believe the full conspiracy theories, but as I have said many times before, some fuckery went down.

So What Do I Believe?

That some fuckery went down and whatever company line they are pushing is bullshit.

I believe that the original script included Cas (since thats fact). I believe that the original script probably always had Dean dying on a vampire hunt (due to Jensen’s issues with it and in particular, his sarcastic comments about vampires in the past year or so which in hindsight are hilarious and prove he never really came to terms with Dean’s idiotic death). I believe Dabb’s original script was some less crappy version of what we got, which potentially included showing Jack rescuing Cas from the Empty and resolving the outstanding Empty plot points (potentially this was actually a 15x19 plot since Mark P commented that his final scenes were supposed to be with Jack and Cas), had Cas reunite with Dean in Heaven and had them have a discussion about Cas’s confession. I believe that there was probably a lot of back and forth over how to handle that with some people wanting Dean to obviously reciprocate and others believing they should keep it ambiguous. I believe that Dean and Cas would have reunited with Charlie Bradbury, and Bobby Singer, and possibly others (though if this was the case it must have been very early on since no one ever looped in Sam Ferris, Chad Linberg or any other Roadhouse people).

I believe that Sam’s ending probably didn’t change much, but I do feel that initially they were planning on him ending up with Eileen, because it is the only thing that narratively makes sense. Cutting Eileen and giving him a blurry wife is something I won’t ever understand and Jared’s bullshit explanations are quite clearly pulled out of his ass to appease bronly types. I believe the reunion on the bridge would have included Cas and Jack, with a final shot of all four of them together, at peace (as this aligns with Alex’s comments from around a year or so ago that the final shot was all four of them). (I also am not sure it was always supposed to be on a bridge since the foreshadowing in an earlier episode showed Dean, Cas and Sam all in the Roadhouse together).

I believe that script went through countless changes and redrafts, and not even production people or the types that some fandom people claim as their “sources” would even have seen those early scripts, since even Misha never saw it. I believe that these rumours of Dabb never having Cas in his finale and ignoring all Destiel elements likely come from people who only saw later versions, weren’t party to network discussions and felt bitter about the final scripts they did see (being the crappy butchered one that was ultimately filmed). Those “sources” are now spreading rumours to discredit Dabb.

I obviously believe Dabb is a weak ass pushover who either didn’t care enough to fight back, or gave up since he’s been stuck with fucking Bob Singer on his back for years, but I will NEVER believe he didn’t care about the DeanCas love story, because he has been one of the few writers who has championed for it for years. You can’t look back at Dabb’s episodes in earlier seasons and claim he didn’t care. Dabb was a writer whose creative ideas were beaten out of him by an unforgiving Network only concerned about where their future money was coming from. Do I think he gave up too easily? Yes. But I also have one other huge reason for not believing the bullshit about Dabb being this anti-Destiel villain.

Bobo. Because if Bobo truly believed Dabb was gonna fuck that up at the end, I don’t think he would have given us Cas’s love confession to begin with. If he had known it was gonna end like that, I think he would have reconsidered, because had Cas not confessed his love, I don’t think he would have been cut from the finale. Bobo - a gay man, would not have wanted such a horrible message for queer fans being put across in the show he worked so hard on. He started writing that confession scene the day they returned to the writers room. Dabb would have been there, would have seen what he was writing, probably discussed it with him, after all, other episodes were written with the confession in mind. No way was Dabb planning to fuck up the ending knowing what Bobo was giving us. Nope.

Something went very wrong over lockdown. Someone, somewhere up the chain of power caught wind of the confession scene in 15x18, realised that it demanded a resolution which would make Dean Winchester, their protagonist, queer, and pulled the plug. I believe this did not come from a place of homophobia, but of bad business sense.

The CW is constantly trying to win the approval and attention of the one demo group that they seem to fail at getting the most: young straight men. Supernatural was one of their only remaining shows that appeals to young straight men, and Dean Winchester is more often than not the fave character of those young straight men who project onto him. Making Dean Winchester, established Han Solo of Supernatural, queer and in love with his best friend in the finale would have come across as a betrayal to those young straight men. The CW probably feared they would lose that demo group for good, and with a show like Walker starting soon with Jared at the helm, they couldn’t take the risk.

Hence there was probably a whole bunch of back and forth script redrafts with the Network, with Dabb and Singer fighting to make a finale that would appeal to everyone. There was most likely no way that they could bring Cas back without addressing what had already been filmed, because any resolution of that plot would either a. make Dean queer, or b. address it awkwardly by having Dean reject Cas (this storyline would probably have been slammed by critics worse than the finale because it meant addressing it. It might have got the attention of LGBTQ activist groups and caused a bigger shitstorm than what we got). The best option was therefore C. Bury it and Cas, pretend it never happened. Never address it again and distract Dean with other things. Hope that Destiel fans will accept no answer from Dean as ambiguous enough to imagine a future reunion rather than shutting it down with a rejection, and still keep hold of the blissfully ignorant heteronormative straight boys so they can carry over to Walker when it starts.

I also believe (controversially probably) that there was concern that any resolution of Dean and Cas would have overshadowed network darling Jared Padalecki. If Dean and Cas had come together in the finale, with a very clearly textual homosexual reunion, then that would have been all anyone talked about. The reviewers, the critics, the audience, everyone. It would have been nothing but Dean and Cas (and look, if they did think this, they were right, Destiel trending over the US ELECTION.)

So what is the network to do, when they are losing the two stars who would get the most attention from this storyline? The one star they were holding on to and getting his own show, relegated to third place in the finale of the show where he was first on the call sheet? Nope. That’s pretty unacceptable. Even without Walker I can imagine people at all levels side eyeing the Destiel thing over the years. This IS a show about two brothers, and their relationship should be the core relationship, we can’t have one brother pushed aside in the finale to make way for a queer relationship that will get all the attention instead. It was never gonna get approved for this reason ALONE.

At the end of the day, if I look at it from a business perspective, it makes far more sense that the CW shut down Destiel, rather than “oh Dabb never cared and ruined it because he’s an idiot.” The writers cared, and had built on that story over years. But their mistake was leaving any Destiel resolution to the finale. If they had instead gone and got Dean and Cas together in early season 15, then they could have ended it in a way that satisfied everyone. Destiel wouldn’t have threatened pulling focus away from Sam and Dean, and the show could have gone out on a high.

When I lay out all the conspiracy theories, and line them up next to the cold hard facts, the conspiracy theories in some way or another, make more sense. To believe the company line, the narrative we have been fed, is to ignore your own eyes, ears, and memories pre March 2020.

All I’m asking people to do is take a look at the show, the narrative presented in the show, and the information presented above. I’m not telling you to believe what I’ve written here, half of which is just my own opinion. I’m asking you to ask yourselves if it makes sense to you. Because it sure as hell doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied.

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windsource · 3 years

Text

for #spnprideweek day 1: coming out + flags

↳ summary: cas tells sam a secret that he hasn’t (really) told anybody else. surprisingly, sam has one too. PRIDE series | gen, sam & cas | word count: 1.7k

[READ ON AO3]

Sam’s grimacing a little at the grease from the fries on Cas’ plate. Cas would usually make a comment, here, about Sam keeping his eyes on his own paper, or that it isn’t nearly as bad as the veggie burger sitting on his plate at Sam’s behest. This is the recompense, Cas wants to say, but his mouth is dry and no words are coming out even if he wants them to.

Accompanying the inability to speak is the twisting feeling in his gut that won’t even allow him to pick up the burger. The smell is too much, too, and Cas hates to admit it but it’s probably the grease, so he sits back a little against the peeling seat of the booth to calm his nerves.

It’s just Sam. He can do this. It’s only that this is the first time he’s telling anyone, and that definitely ups the stakes a little.

Well, that’s somewhat of a lie. Cas had told the nice woman at the grocery store check out last week when he’d seen her little pin on her work uniform and asked where he could get one.

He hadn’t actually bought one, of course, but Cas eyed the small bin full of brightly colored pins on the way out, convincing himself it was stupid to get back in line again for something so small and inexpensive. Still, he’d thought about it on the drive back to the Bunker, and that night in his bed, and the full week following, up until now.

Now, Sam was looking at him with concern, and wiping his mouth in that way that means he’s about to get serious.

“Is everything alright?” he asks, pointedly looking down at Cas’ loaded plate. He’d barely taken a bite, except for a few nibbles of his admittedly greasy fries. And it was weird because since becoming human, Cas' appetite had grown considerably, much to Dean's delight.

And—Dean. That's what this was all about, wasn't it? Sure, it was more than just Dean, it was all the humans that had made Cas' body ache like it hadn't before, had made him think of what it means to be in this vessel—his body—and be attracted to other...humans.

It was odd. In hindsight, things in Heaven had been so much easier in this regard. Cas had spent most of his life clueless to the capabilities of human attraction, and then he met Dean and it all came crashing down around him. Only then, Cas was ignoring it. He was facing the other way, because though he felt human, he wasn't. Not really.

But everything is different now.

Cas clears his throat.

"Well," he starts, "no. I am feeling what I believe you’d call...anxiety. My stomach hurts, I find I'm unable to eat, a-and my hands are—"

"Cas," Sam interrupts. Shaking. Cas' hands are shaking.

Sam's fully set his fork and knife down now, hands clasped together on the edge of the table. "Talk to me."

Cas licks his dry lips.

"It’s not...it isn’t a big deal, really,” and yet Cas can feel his heart hammering in his chest. He sucks in a breath. “But I’m, uh. I wanted to tell you that...I like men.”

Sam’s expression doesn’t change, but he blinks at Cas once from across the table.

“Okay.”

Cas raises an eyebrow, pulse slowing down a little with his next exhale. “Okay?”

Maybe it was that simple, and Cas was worrying over nothing. It’s just...this feels like it should be bigger. Earth-shattering. Like Sam should either hug him or tell him he never wants to speak to Cas again.

Instead, he just shrugs, picks up his fork and pushes bits of his salad around his plate.

But then Cas’ gaze moves to Sam’s face and...Sam’s frowning. Cas feels his heart thumping hard again, waiting for the ball to drop. It feels a little like when Dean sat him down to “talk,” right after he lost his powers, and, well. Cas knew how that had ended. He braces himself for the worst, schools his features to something more neutral.

“I’m,” Sam clears his throat, “I’m sorry you got nervous over all of that. I-I get that coming out is...” he laughs, “usually a bigger deal, but. You don’t have to worry with me, you know? I get it.”

That makes Cas pause. “You...do?”

Now Sam’s looking at him, eyes a little wide, but he works his jaw and gets the words out. “Yeah. Uh... well I guess now’s a good a time as any to tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

The fork is set back down again. The bell over the diner door jingles.

“In college...you know about Jess,” Sam says, jogging Cas’ memory. He knows, so he nods and Sam continues, “Well we uh. We actually met in a Gender Studies class. I thought, ‘pff, easy A,’ but it was actually way more complex than I originally thought, so she kind of...tutored me.” Cas raises an eyebrow, and Sam rolls his eyes.

“Actually tutored me. Whatever. Point is, I learned a lot—‘cause she was a great teacher—and...not just about the class, but about myself, too.”

Cas nods slowly, beginning to catch Sam’s drift. “Okay...”

Despite his tone, Sam’s posture stiffens a little, like he’s uncomfortable, or not really used to this type of conversation. Cas does his best to relax into his seat to ease him, unfolding his arms.

“What I’m saying is,” Sam shrugs, “I’m...not...cis. Like, I don’t....I’m not um, a guy, I guess. Well, sort of. I’m non-binary.”

Cas is silent for a second, mulling it over in his head. Eventually it becomes long enough for Sam to say, “Uh...you know what? You can forget it, man—”

“No!” Cas says, almost knocking over his plate in the process. The silverware clatters as it falls onto the table, and Sam flinches a little. “I was just thinking...I want to apologize if anything I’ve said about your gender has ever made you uncomfortable, or if you—”

Sam’s out-facing palm makes Cas stutter to a stop. There’s a weird guilt settling in the pit of his stomach, and the anxiety that he’d thought was gone is back full force again. Cas tears off a piece of his napkin.

“Cas, dude. Calm down,” Sam laughs. He takes a deep breath, and Cas follows his lead. They breathe in and out together for a beat, and when Cas feels fairly calmer, Sam pushes both of their plates aside.

“There’s no need to apologize for something you couldn’t have known about,” he starts, shaking his head a little, “and you haven’t done anything wrong, either. I still use he and him pronouns, and sometimes they and them. And besides, it’s not like I go around telling people. Especially with, uh, the way I was raised...I’ve been hesitant, you know? It was great in college, people were really supportive when I told them. But then when I started hunting again...I don’t know.

“My dad...uh. I tried telling him, once. Didn’t go too well, so I didn’t try it again. I think that’s why Dean...” he shakes his head, frowning down at the table again. “It wasn’t easy, growing up the way we did. You could probably understand that.”

Cas nods. Under the table, his napkin is shredded into bits.

“I do. I think, in a way, I also understand being trans.” Sam jerks their head up, intrigued.

“Angels...we don’t experience gender the same way humans do. In fact, the concept is entirely nonexistent in Heaven. So, when we take vessels...”

“You’re essentially defining yourself,” Sam says in awe. It makes Cas smile to see them back in their element, leaning forward a little to listen better. “I never thought about it that way, not really.”

Cas shrugs. “I’m not sure all of my siblings did, either. Many chose according to which vessel would best suit them and their form. That was definitely a factor in me choosing Jimmy, but I also found the thought of looking like a human man...greatly appealing.”

Sam’s nodding now, gaze darting to different parts of the table. Cas knows that means they’re mentally crafting an essay right about now, or thinking of what books in the Bunker might further help in their research about it.

“Wow,” he says, “that’s—I mean. Wow, Cas. Thanks for telling me that. And uh, the other thing.”

“Oh. Thank you.”

There’s a comfortable silence between them now, and Cas takes it as an opportunity to sip from his slightly-melted iced tea.

“So,” Sam starts again slowly, “have you told Dean?”

Cas sucks in another deep breath, and Sam nods. “Yeah,” he says, “me neither.”

It surprises Cas a little that Sam hasn’t told him, and he expresses that with an inquiring eyebrow.

Sam purses his lips and dodges the unspoken question. “Dean’s not a bad guy. You probably know that better than anyone except me. You know he’d still love you if you told him.”

Cas’ heart pounds at the mention of the word. When Sam notices, he feels his ears begin to heat with a blush.

“Oh,” Sam smiles, “that. I figured. For a while now, but I didn’t wanna say anything.”

Cas tries to will away the heat on his face. He doesn’t say anything, so Sam leaves it be.

The waitress gives them a worried look when she brings the check, eyeing their barely touched plates. They both smile apologetically, insisting that their food was “great” when she whisks it away.

On their way back home, Cas asks if Sam can stop at the store. They don’t ask anything more than, “we need groceries that bad?” and Cas dips inside. He knows this is just like any other grocery run—going in and out as quick as possible with the things they need—yet his heart hammers all the same when he stops in front of the bin near the door. The same employee from last week is working on lane six, and he’s sure to check out at that one with his goods. She gives him a knowing smile.

Cas flops into the passenger seat, a little out of breath.

“That was fast,” Sam starts to say, before noticing Cas’ lack of grocery bags. “Dude. What d’you buy, air?”

Instead, Cas brandishes two brightly colored pins. Sam tentatively takes the yellow, white, purple, and black one, eyes wide.

“For me?” they ask.

Cas smiles, running his thumb over the rainbow one in his hand.

“For both of us,” he says.

[@spnprideweek]

#b*gen #bookshelf #spnprideweek #sam and cas #rambleoncas writing #roc original #my post #theedorksinlove #userdainty #klinejack #usershey #creativecaviar #userpris #usersully #spnclownpals #hope it was okay to tag!!

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sortasirius · 4 years

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what makes you think the writers want deancas? not trying to be an asshole, i'm just genuinely curious as to why you think that. i know berens' episodes are pretty heavy with subtext so i can see why you'd say that he wants it, but i'm not so sure about the rest of the writers/dabb. it seems like meghan isn't a huge fan either, given her "they twisted it so fast" tweet :/ of course she's a very new writer (think she's only writing one ep this season?) but still

OKAY this is a great question, welcome to my dissertation.

I’m going to address the end of your question first. Meghan is actually DeanCas positive, she has been for quite a long time. She actually, a few years back, posted a picture of her reading a literal book about Destiel and captioned it “writing reading” or something like that.

This whole thing just comes out of a boiling over of tensions because of how nasty fandom twitter can be. Like I said here, I think this has just gotten blown out of proportion, they shouldn’t have posted all this randomly disparaging stuff, but also like...can you blame them? The fandom is a lot, we always have been, and they’re probably also under a gag order not to talk about the finale, and are annoyed that people keep asking.

So nah, Meg is not anti Destiel.

To the first part!! So let’s take a look at the show runners since Cas has been around.

Seasons 4 and 5: Kripke

Seasons 6 and 7: Gamble

Seasons 8-11ish: Carver

Seasons 11ish-15: Dabb

So starting with Kripke. Okay, yes, I will be the first to admit that we have some pretty incredible Destiel moments in these seasons, but it’s less directly written into the plot and much more from Misha and Jensen’s uhhhh ~chemistry~. The only times it was directly written into the script was when the episode was handled by someone like Edlund (“On The Head Of A Pin,” “The End,” “My Bloody Valentine”). And you have to remember, if in season 5, there are moments here and there where you’re like huh that’s suspiciously romantic dialogue, remember that Cas took Anna’s place. Anna was supposed to be endgame for Dean, but due to a myriad of issues and Misha’s general greatness, Anna was replaced with Cas.

Onto 6 and 7. Hmmm. Gamble. 6 and 7 are my two least favorite seasons and that’s no secret, and that’s not only due to the plain old weird shit in the overall storyline, but also that homegirl killed off Cas in s7 and then Bobby like four episodes later. (Also it ALWAYS rubbed me the wrong way they couldn’t have Baby in that season lol). We still had some great DeanCas moments, but again, it wasn’t really written into the overall arc (until they had to change the end of season 7 because of tanking ratings and bring Misha back lol, anyone remember the fact that Dean kept Cas’ jacket and would randomly dream of him? Yeah.). But we still had those moments, those distinctly romantic moments, probably the best example in these two seasons is from Edlund again, specifically “The Man Who Would be King,” I wrote a little about that here.

We move onto Carver, who gave us, at this point, the most overt DeanCas season with season 8 (season gr8 is a better name imo), and this is the first time Dean and Cas’ relationship is directly written as an arc of the season. I mean, you have everything in Purgatory, Dean “seeing” Cas everywhere, the fact that he felt so guilty that Cas stayed in Purgatory that he manipulated his own memories to think that he was the one that failed Cas, because he couldn’t comprehend that Cas would want to leave him, and let’s not forget Dean snapping Cas out of Naomi’s hold on him in “Goodbye Stranger.” It was a very obvious shift, not enough to alert the general audience, but more than enough for most of us in fandom.

It’s also important to note that this is when Andrew stopped co writing with Loflin and started writing his own episodes (”Hunter Heroici” anyone?) I like Loflin fine, but Dabb was able to stretch his legs a little bit more once he stopped co-writing, and we also began to see some DeanCas themes in his solo episodes.

In any case, them and their issues being a big part of the seasons continued with Carver, and Berens entered the scene, his first episode (”Heaven Can’t Wait”) is one of my favorites, with human Cas and the fanfiction gap and Dean and Cas just generally being awkward and funny and sweet. This is Bobo’s FIRST episode, remember that. He comes right out of the gate with it.

Also in Season 9, this is when Dean takes the Mark of Cain, and the Cas/Colette mirror is born, so obviously, Dean and Cas are the fabric of the season once again. This is also the season where Metatron says Cas is “in love with humanity,” and then immediately refers to Dean as Humanity so uhhhh yeah.

Onto season 10, Dabb and Berens continue with their greatness (I could write pages on the DeanCas date in “The Things We Left Behind” alone). And then we have one of the best scenes in the entire show in “The Prisoner” where the Cas/Colette mirror continues and Dean, driven by grief and pain and rage and the Mark, still doesn’t kill Cas. He still can’t kill Cas.

Season 11 is important because it takes choice away from both Cas and Dean, and shows us, as the audience, how much losing each other takes out of them. We saw in season 10 how much losing Dean takes from Cas, but what about Cas losing Dean? Dean loses his choice with his connection to Amara this season, and loses even more when Lucifer reveals he’s been possessing Cas, and plays on Dean’s connection to Cas like a mockery. It’s also worth noting that, similarly to season 8, Dean breaks out of the connection with Amara when he’s worried about Cas, and that’s something that even SHE is surprised by.

But then season 12, the beginning to the Renaissance. This is when we get the writer’s that become important for what Dean and Cas are today, and, truly, why I believe they want canon Destiel as much as we do.

This is the first season with Dabb’s writers: Davy Perez, Meredith Glynn, Steve Yockey, and of course Bobo all come in with their incredible talents and gave us episode after episode of good content. “Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets” is probably my favorite, probably the best example of what I’m saying. An episode where Dean is called out by an enemy directly, told to “roll the dice” on Cas’ life. And Dean won’t, it’s not even really a hesitation. And this comes from a character that has known Dean for ten seconds. I also wrote more in depth about this episode here. There are also some.....distinctly domestic details we get this season, specifically in “The Future” (written by Berens and Glynn) with the mixtape. The most tropey of tropes mixtape. Yeah, I’ll just leave that one here.

And then season 12 ends with Cas’ death, but also with the parallel between Sam and Dean with Jess and Cas. Sam literally has to drag Dean away from Cas, just like Dean had to drag Sam out of his burning apartment in the pilot. The episode drives it home in every way that it can: Dean is the one left kneeling by Cas’ body, while Sam goes to find out what is upstairs. Dean is the one who stares at the sky, finally broken. This isn’t a random thing, this is Dean’s whole arc, it’s the entirety of the beginning of 13. Dean’s pain, his anguish, his anger.

Season 13 starts with them burning Cas, with Dean, who has begged God to bring him back, who has split his knuckles punching a door, standing, staring at Cas’ pyre with brokenness on his face.

I mean.....

Anyway, season 13 is where it gets interesting (well, I think all of this is interesting but I’m a writer nerd so). So Cas comes back from the Empty in “Advanced Thanatology” written by Steve Yockey, and then a wombo combo of “Tombstone” by Davy Perez next (”Brokebacknatural” as the PR said at the time). Listen. This is the part that SPN crossed a line that they couldn’t come back from. With Cas being Dean’s “big win,” the fact that Dean and Cas watch movies together, “I told you, he’s an angry sleeper. Like a bear.” Talked about it here.

This is where, in my opinion, the network stepped in, but the damage was already done. They had already established that Cas was Dean’s big win, that Dean’s poor coping was not due to Mary’s disappearance, but solely due to Cas, and that Dean and Cas have more married energy than anyone else. The network had nixed blatant canon at this point, and they writing room had been pushing the boundaries of what the network would allow.

After these episodes, we see a marked drop off of DeanCas heavy scenes. They’re still there, still a part of the fabric of the season, but not as...obvious as it had been in early season 13.

And this continued through season 14, we’re back to scraps of Destiel scenes here and there, but to me it always felt like there was something bubbling under the surface, something distinctly unsaid in the themes of the season, even after the walk back of obvious “Dean and Cas are in love” scenes.

And then we get to season 15, which, y’all know I talk about all the time. What’s important here is that Bobo and Glynn are both executive producers, calling more of the shots than ever before. Additionally, it’s important to note that, though they only co write occasionally, Glynn and Berens refer to each other as “work husband” and “work wife.” Each episode has just turned up the volume, and, not for the first time, but certainly the most obvious, Dean and Cas ARE the season. Sure, they’re trying to beat God, they’re trying to finally find peace, defeat the final big bad, but really? This season has been about Dean, and Dean’s relationship to Cas.

And not only do we have obvious and clear Destiel in nearly every episode, but we have episodes like “Last Call” which canonize bi!Dean (wrote about that here).

And, maybe most importantly so far, we have “The Rupture,” the breakup, and “The Trap,” Dean’s confession (both written by Berens). And here’s the thing. These episodes feel connected, but also feel like they’re missing something. Beren’s last episode is 15x18, “The Truth.” We’ve all spec’ed about what could happen in this episode, and I think *I* know what it’s leading to. But for it to be leading to that, it means that the network has to have approved what we’ve all been waiting for years for.

Who got this change to happen? Who got the network to change their minds? It wasn’t us. It was them. I am fully convinced that Dabb and Berens quite literally put their careers on the line for Dean and Cas. They believe in them, they’ve shown that from the beginning, but the only thing standing in the way was the network, never allowing them to take the final step.

So, to answer your question: I think the writers want canon DeanCas because they’ve already shown us that they do. Take a look at their episodes, at Dabb’s, at Beren’s, at Glynn’s, at Perez’s, at Yockey’s. They’ve been telling us what’s going on with Dean and Cas for years.

Sure, I’m not in their heads, I guess I don’t know for *sure* that this has been their thought process, but if we put it all together, from the marked shift when Dabb fully took over in s12, to the change right after “Tombstone,” to the new shift, the blatantly romantic shift in season 15, what else is there?

I’ve said for a long time that we, the SPN fandom, are beyond lucky to have the writer’s that we do. They’re all going to go on to have prolific careers and we were lucky to get them at the end of our little show. I give them a lot of credit for what we have in the show today.

Just remember, they’ve been telling us in all of s15 who Chuck is. He says he’s the writer, right? But a writer who doesn’t have control of his characters? A writer who wants to do the same ending over and over because it “works”? That doesn’t sound like a writer, it sounds like a network exec.

They’ve been showing us what they want for years, and the way s15 is going? I think they may have convinced the network to let us have it.

#supernatural #destiel #spn #my writing #anyway yeah i love these writers #welcome to my essay lmao #spn writers #anonymous #lilly answers

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chaoticdean · 3 years

Photo

(click on the banner for HQ, Tumblr somehow keeps fucking it up)

31 days and close to 39k words written later, here’s my Suptober20 master post! I can hardly believe that I managed to write everyday for a month, and I once again want to thank all of you for tagging along and being the nicest cheerleaders in the whole damn world. 💜

A special thank you to @winchester-reload for hosting this massive challenge and being the nicest gal around ✨

LINK TO THE SERIE ON AO3 | LINK TO MY TUMBLR TAGGED POSTS

(individual posts under the cut because this is a very long fucking post)

#1 — On the road again

The thrilling quest of gouda cheese — wc ~ 900 — Castiel is in charge of grocery shopping today, which could be a great thing if Dean could stop making him run back to the store multiple time. When his boyfriend decides they’re suddenly in urgent need of a special cheese, Castiel in turn decides he’s had enough.

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#2 — Earth

A plastic and cardboard affair — wc ~ 1.2k — In which Castiel suddenly becomes hyperaware of the looming environmental catastrophe ahead and decides to start changing things in the bunker, and Dean... Well, Dean is sleepy, AND HE JUST WANTS TO CUDDLE.

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#3 — Demonic

Demonic skills — wc ~ 1.4k — Before Cas, Dean could always count on his abilities in bed to get him out of conversations he didn’t want to have. Now, though, not so much. (also known as “post-coital pillow talk with Cas”).

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#4 — Branded

Etched into my bones — wc ~ 500 — Against all the odds, Dean is the one who suggests it. He claims it’s just a mean to an end, but Cas knows better. After all, he’s the one who gets to witness the man behind the hard shell he shows to the world every single day, and he’s grown to love the soft side of Dean Winchester.

(Darkest Roads!verse)

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#5 — Daydream

Dr. McHandsy and the curious case of the white lab coat — wc ~ 1.5k — They’re on a case and undercover, and that’s reason #1 why Dean shouldn’t be sitting here drooling over his partner. But really, who thought putting Castiel in a doctor outfit would be a brilliant idea?!

He’s gonna kill Sam.

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#6 — Mask

A study in scotch and pampering — wc ~ 1.3k — If anyone had told Dean Winchester years from now that he’d be content letting his husband paint his face with foreign matter (not that kind of foreign matter, you kinky bastards) that smells like coconut and feels like whipped cream, he would’ve had the biggest laugh out of it. Nowadays, though, if that’s what it takes to get Cas to talk, he’ll do it in a heartbeat.

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#7 — Domestic

The shirt in the dispute (and other laundry feuds) — wc ~ 2.1k — It all starts off with a sordid affair of mixed laundry, and somehow it’s World War III in the Men of Letter’s bunker (or the one where Castiel messes a batch of laundry up, and Dean’s Led Zeppelin shirt bites the dust)

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#8 — Heartless

Ohio and the open secret — wc ~ 1.5k — Dean desperately tried to get Sam to pass on this case, hoping to finally get some alone time with his boyfriend for the first time in a while, but his giant moose of a brother decided to tag along anyway. Now they’re stuck in the same bedroom in Ohio, and Castiel is about to lose it, so Dean takes the matter into his own hands.

(it doesn’t go as planned)

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#9 — Electric

Ocean waves — wc ~ 1.2k — It’s been 5 years now, and somehow they figured out their shit. A house on a the shore, a ring on their fingers, and despite everything Dean still wakes up to find Cas wrapped up in a panic attack on random nights, doubts and anxiety eating him alive. But they aren’t alone in the panic anymore.

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#10 — Sweet Rides

Home is wherever I’m with you — wc ~ 600 — Until a few years ago, Dean didn’t have any home. He grew up in shitty motel rooms and inside the Impala, on the road and in-between schools. As he finally allow himself to fall into Castiel’s arms, he reflects on all the places he can call home, now.

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#11 — Rock & Roll

Sharp Edges — wc ~ 1.6k — Castiel told him he loved him right before getting swallowed up by the Empty. Sam asked him to talk to someone, anyone really,, but words won’t come out, and how is he supposed to tell anyone how it feels to lose everything? So he writes. Letters on napkins, motel notepads, paperback books. He writes as he goes through every steps of grief, until finally there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

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#12 — Rewind

Leading me, going home — wc ~ 900 — Dean and Castiel reflects on their past and what they would say to their past self if they had the opportunity to rewind. (also known as “Castiel uses too many Harry Potter quotes, which gets Dean to prevent him from ever binging the movies again”)

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#13 — Ladies

The promise in the cocktails — wc ~ 800 — When a joke involving colorful cocktails designed to put his brother into misery turns into a promise for more steamy nights with Cas, Dean thinks he might have won the lottery (and God bless strawberry daiquiris).

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#14 — Fun & Games

A fever and the whipped boyfriend — wc ~ 1k — Being in love with a being as old as the Earth is all fun and games until said ex-angel gets sick for the first time of his entire (overwhelmingly long) life and turns into an actual, honest to god, gigantic baby. Lucky for Cas, Dean turns into perfect boyfriend mode.

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#15 — Third Eye

The blonde-haired witch and the little push — wc ~ 2.8k — It’s not the first time Dean’s ever had to listen to someone referring to Castiel as “his boyfriend”, but it sure as hell is the first time he has to sit through a diner listening to a witch referring to Cas as his husband without even batting an eyelash, like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

Which would be fine if it didn’t cause actual shivers to run down his spine.

(or the one where a friendly witch gives Dean the little push he needs)

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#16 — Switch it up!

The spices in the suit — wc ~ 1.7k — Dean doesn’t know when he started taking advices from Sam when it comes to his love life, but after tonight he thinks he might be more mindful of Sam’s wiseness in the future. Especially if it gets him all the way to the backseat of the Impala with a former angel in his lap.

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#17 — Autumn invading

Storms never come to stay — wc ~ 1.6k — Dean finds Cas in the wood behind their house, hours after they had a fight. They’ve been together for a long time now, yet fears still run deep.

(Darkest Roads!verse)

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#18 — Dark & Stormy Night

The wayward gang and the questionable cocktail — wc ~ 1.9k — Castiel comes back to the bunker after a day on the road to find the wayward gang scattered over the map table for what appears to be a cocktail night. Sam wanted piña colada, but Dean Winchester bartender extraordinaire decided to go for something darker and stormier...

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#19 — Pour one out

As days fade (and night grows) — wc ~ 1.9k — Castiel wakes up alone and cold, and decides that he’s had enough of Dean shutting him out. They’ve lost Jack, but it doesn’t mean they have to lose themselves too.

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#20 — Home

The fire in my bones — wc ~ 1.1k — It’s not a secret that Dean Winchester isn’t particularly good with words, but when he fucks up and unintentionally hurts Cas, he knows he has to do better.

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#21 — Fear

If I let you go, would you hold on? — wc ~ 1.6k — Castiel gets hurt on a hunt trying to protect Dean, and Dean is tired of having to wake up everyday not knowing if they’ll both be alive the next morning or if one of them is going to sacrifice himself to save the other. Finally, he makes a choice that will set he course of their future together.

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#22 — “I cursed the gloom that set upon us, but I know that I love you so...”

Just a little rain — wc ~ 800 — Leave it to Led Zeppelin and Dean’s slow dancing skills to soothe the pain of letting your kid leave to tour the world.

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#23 — Favorite

You feel like the sun on my face — wc ~ 700 — Dean awakes to Castiel sliding into bed after he just came back from a hunt, and somehow it’s kind of the best feeling in the world.

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#24 — Family business

Wherever we are is where I wanna be — wc ~ 1.4k — It took them a few months, but once Dean and Castiel decide to move across the country and into a home of their own, everything falls into places.

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#25 — Villain

The blue tie in the bathtub — wc ~ 1.2k — Dean has been a pain in the ass all day, so Castiel decides to drag him into the bathtub and tie his hand up the shower rail before teaching him a lesson.

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#26 — Walk of shame

And I would walk 500 miles — wc ~ 1.3k — The one where they think they’re being subtle, but they’re actually being really loud (and Sam happens to have functioning eyes, too.)

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#27 — Banquet

Drunk on love — wc ~ 800 — Dean’s analogies are usually spot on, but maybe he’s had a bit too much whisky to be clever tonight (or maybe the fact that Castiel’s mouth is currently glued to his throat is preventing him to think clearly, who knows?)

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#28 — Hellscape

Adventures in Christmas shopping — wc ~ 500 — Castiel wants to go Christmas shopping, and Dean being a very whipped thoughtful boyfriend decides to tag along. It doesn’t go well.

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#29 — Fragile

Anytime you reach for me — wc ~ 700 — A look into what sex used to mean to Dean before Cas, and how his world has been turned upside down ever since he got in bed with a former angel of the lord.

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#30 — Dress-up

Entertainment in soapy water — wc ~ 800 — Castiel just went down the garage to see what Dean is up to, but when he catches a flash of red right above the waistband of Dean’s shorts, it seems like his boyfriend might have dressed up just for him to see.

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#31 — Carry On

Scar tissue — wc ~ 1.6k — There are arguably a few things that Dean dislikes more than anything else in the world, but nothing compares to what it feels like to wake up in an empty bed in the middle of the night, and the insane bolt of fear laced with anxiety than runs through Dean’s chest when he realizes he’s got no idea where Castiel is.

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#suptober20 #masterpost #jus writes #I've just spent the entire afternoon preparing this #so help me god if the links don't work I might have to kill someone @ tumblr #destiel ficlet #deancas ficlet #destiel #deancas #writer of destiel #dean/cas

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forthiswholeworld · 4 years

Text

for @cursed-or-not because we’re thriving on each other’s clownery (page break bc this got Too Long to inflict on unsuspecting dashes)

They’ve had Cas back for four days when Dean realizes something is wrong.

For a paralyzing moment, he stumbles on the thought, feels the fear of it choking him as he freezes in the doorway with a mug of coffee in his hand. He watches Cas blink dazedly at Sam’s debriefing on the rugaru in San Antonio and wills himself forward, wills his mind not to go straight to darkness and loss and cosmic consequences. Cas flashes a ragged smile as Dean sets the mug in front of him, and it occurs to Dean that maybe this is less about cosmic consequences than it is humanity.

Now that Dean thinks about it, he can see it: the circles under his eyes, the weary slope of his back-- the things Dean had attributed to resurrection rather than humanity.

Cas is human, though, and Dean thinks he needs to remember that before he remembers that he was gone.

Cas needs food and laundry detergent and coffee and sleep, and now that he thinks about it Dean is absolutely sure he hasn’t seen Cas touch his bed since he got back.

He doesn’t bring it up; they’ve been here before. They’ve come back and kept secrets and spent sleepless nights trying to fix things before, and heart-to-hearts have never gotten them anywhere.

Instead, Dean drinks three pots of coffee and waits.

It’s 2:07 AM when he hears the echo of footsteps in the hallway. He swings open the door and tries to look like he hasn’t been waiting in ambush as Cas freezes.

“Dean,” he says, voice rough and a little frantic, and Dean is reminded of the days he’d wake up to Cas blithely watching him from the foot of his bed. (The days when Heaven filled the space between them and Dean didn't understand the difference between being a human and being human.)

He watches Cas’ eyes flit away from his gaze and smiles brazenly. “Trouble sleeping?”

Cas shifts on his feet. “No,” he says like he’s not the worst liar in the entire multiverse.

Dean holds his gaze for another beat before breathing a sigh. “Cas.” He settles back against the doorframe to scrutinize him. “What’s up?”

Cas swallows. His eyes trace a scuff on the floor. “It gets so quiet here at night,” he mutters, and Dean understands.

He works his jaw as he realizes. He thinks he should’ve recognized the signs. He should’ve seen the tired eyes and haunted glances and known then, because Dean doesn’t know what it’s like to come back from nothingness, but he knows what it’s like to close his eyes and see hell.

He watches Cas’s gaze flit from the floor to the wall behind him and settle just above Dean’s left shoulder, and he’s not consciously aware of deciding anything but he’s inhaling to say something, and he guesses it better be good because there’s not a whole lot he can say to heal emptiness.

“Sleep in my room,” he says, and he’s not sure which of them it surprises more.

“Dean—” Cas starts, and Dean knows he’s going to refuse, but there’s a millisecond where his gaze catches on Cas’s and there’s something heavy in the space between them, and Dean knows what it is but he’s always refused to put a name to it.

Cas swallows as he looks away. “As long as you don’t mind,” he says, and Dean also tears his gaze away before he can do something dumb like consider the vulnerability of it.

“Come on then,” he mutters as he heads back into his room. “You can take the bed.”

“Dean—” Cas protests like Dean knew he would, and Dean narrowly avoids rolling his eyes.

“We’ll both take it then,” he says before he can ponder the sheer idiocy of it.

Cas hesitates beside the bed, but Dean thinks he must be either too tired or too apathetic to argue, because he swallows and steps forward.

Cas is careful as he pulls back the comforter and settles in; he’s careful not to take too much blanket or too much space, and they both lie stiffly on their respective sides of the bed until Dean decides he can’t take it anymore and clears his throat a little obnoxiously. He hears Cas huff a laugh.

“You said it was too quiet,” Dean says softly, and he’s grateful for the darkness because he thinks he’s wearing a damningly fond expression.

He thinks he feels Cas relax as he mutters, “that’s on me, then.”

The stillness doesn’t feel so stifling after that, and he hears Cas’s breathing start to even out.

He can feel the thrum of caffeine in his veins as he watches the ceiling. Even in the dark, he can see the outline of the ceiling fan, the trimming on the wall, the chair in the corner. He can hear Cas’s breathing, feel the warmth in the space between them, and he realizes he has no idea what emptiness is. He wonders how long it’s been since Cas closed his eyes without seeing it.

He lies awake for the next three hours, but the rise and fall of Cas’s chest is steady and even beside him, so the caffeine overdose is a small price to pay. There are no windows in his room, but if there were he’d be able to see the first hazy traces of sunrise filtering in by the time he starts to drift off.

Cas is gone when he wakes up.

He staggers out of his room just before noon, and Cas doesn’t quite meet his eye as he wordlessly hands him a plate of pancakes, courtesy of Sam and Eileen, but Dean thinks the circles under his eyes look a little less absurd, and it’s enough.

The next night, Dean leaves his door open.

He isn’t sure what he’s expecting, but 11:00 rolls around and he’s just getting ready to turn out the lights when he hears a tentative knock at the doorframe. He looks up to see Cas in the doorway.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Cas mumbles, and something about his awkward stance and fragile uncertainty makes Dean’s chest ache.

He thinks this is where he becomes brash; this is where he scoffs a laugh and brushes off this heaviness like neither of their shoulders are bowed under the weight of what-ifs. This is where he flees back to the safe side of the lines they’ve drawn.

He swallows. “You wanna come in?”

Cas stills. “I--” his eyes flit to Dean and then away in a millisecond. “No. I just--”

“Cas,” Dean interrupts, and he guesses he’s being reckless instead of brash and can’t say whether it’s for the best but he can feel the thrill of it in his veins. “Get in here.”

Cas watches him for half a beat, probably just as surprised as Dean is that he’s managed not to be a defensive asshole about this, and then he swallows. “Thank you.”

Dean thinks he absolutely doesn’t deserve a thank you, but Cas shuffles in and hesitates at the side of the bed and before he can say as much he’s pulling the comforter aside to make room.

Dean falls asleep earlier tonight; he thinks it has something to do with not being hyped up on three pots of coffee and the thrill of reckless, stupid ideas. He’s not sure when Cas nodded off, but he wakes up at 3:42 to the sound of gasping, panicked breathing.

“Cas?” He asks with a sleep-worn voice but he’s halfway across the bed, reaching for Cas’s shoulder before he can get a response or take half a second to consider how horrible an idea this is.

“Dean,” Cas breathes, and Dean isn’t sure if it’s a question or an answer or a prayer but Cas’s breath mingles with his as he says it and something in the fragile space between them finally shatters as Cas leans into the touch.

Dean pulls him into his chest, holds him there and tries not to let the ache of it convince him he’s going to regret this.

Cas clutches the back of Dean’s shirt like it’s all that’s keeping him tethered to this world where things are allowed to make noise and wake up and see light, and Dean rests his palms against Cas’s shoulders and wishes he had the words to promise he’s holding on just as tight.

Dean isn’t sure how long it is, whether it’s two minutes or three hours or an eternity, but Cas’s grip on his shirt loosens, and he breathes less stuttered exhales, and he rests his chin somewhere in the crook of Dean’s shoulder and closes his eyes.

Dean leans slowly back against the headrest and thinks he’s never been very good at this.

The intimacy of it is familiar—the weight of an arm over his stomach, the heady tangle of limbs, the needy warmth— that’s always come naturally to him. It’s the tenderness that gets him. It’s the brush of Cas’ breath against his neck, the softness of ten years of fear and loss and a word that Dean can’t say as easily as he should. It’s the ache where the rhythm of his pulse screams something between I want this forever and I’m so afraid.

Cas is gone when he wakes up.

Cas is gone, and Dean’s arm is stiff and he wonders if it will ever be enough just to hold an angel haunted by empty nights.

That night, he tells himself he isn't waiting for the knock.

He tells himself he’s not waiting, but he hears the shuffle of bare feet in the hall and a single rap at the door and a millisecond later he’s swinging it open.

Tonight, there’s no apologetic hesitance or fumbling for words.

There’s Cas, standing plainly in the doorway and there’s Dean, dropping his hand from the doorknob and standing too close. There’s the tilt of Cas’s head as he searches Dean’s face for something Dean knows with terrified certainty he’ll find, and there’s Dean’s gaze flitting to his mouth for a stupid, breathless moment. There’s the part of Cas’s lips and the desperate beating of Dean’s heart, the distant electric buzz of the lights and the hitch of his breath as Cas leans forward—

There’s the cluttered breath and scrape of teeth as their mouths crash together.

His lungs stutter on the drag of stubble and chapped lips and tired warmth, and because he never thought he’d be allowed to, he pulls Cas in, clutches the front of his shirt and crowds him up against the doorway until they’re pressed together and they can both feel the desperate rhythm of his pulse. Cas’s fingers ghost over his jaw and something in Dean is absolutely dizzy with the realness of it.

He doesn’t know how long it is before Cas breaks away but he feels ready to shatter.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Cas says, and Dean breathes a ragged laugh into his shoulder.

There are still things he can’t say, words that form in his chest sit and like a lump in his throat and will probably stay unsaid for just a little while longer, but he lets his arms circle Cas’ waist and murmurs “sleep in here, then,” and he has to bury his face in the crook of Cas’ neck to hide a stupidly fond smile.

Cas breathes a soft “thank you” against his temple as Dean pulls him toward the bed, and Dean can hear the worn tiredness in his voice and thinks that might be all there is for a while but for the first time in their lives they have time, and it’s enough.

It’s enough, he thinks, and he pulls Cas against his chest and holds onto him until there’s no empty space between them.

#supernatural fanfic #destiel #deancas #destiel fanfic #deancas fanfic #s15 #the empty #bed sharing #i'm the most basic person alive and i just want them to be happy sue me!!#spn #fanfic #idek if this is gonna show up on mobile bc it's Too Long but go off!!#my writing #rambling

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tearsofgrace · 3 years

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never enough

15.18 coda

it’s not happy...

word count: 1.5k, tags: cw suicide, spn spoilers (obvs), mcd, angst, deal with the empty, idk it’s just sad guys

also on archive

It took him hours to notice it. He hadn’t felt it in the moment. Hadn’t felt the Cas’ hand stick slightly to his shoulder as it pushed him away, leaving him to face the Empty alone.

But now that he’d noticed it, it was all he could look at. That bright red handprint standing out starkly against his jacket. It was perfect, really. Not a drop out of place. Just a handprint and nothing else. That was all he had left.

The handprint where Castiel had “gripped him tight and raised him from perdition.” And now he’d saved him one more time. Same shoulder, same placement, same sting when Dean looked at it.

It was poetic in the cruelest of ways. And if it weren’t for everything, he would have thought this was Chuck’s writing. But, no. Castiel was the only part of Chuck’s story that he couldn’t control. Because Cas had fallen.

Cas had fallen in love with him. And Dean loved him back. Of course he did.

But he’d been too cowardly to say it back. How could he? When his best friend in the entire world looked at him with an expression that could only be described as pure unadulterated joy and said the words Dean had been longing to hear his whole life… how could he say them back?

So he hadn’t. He’d begged Cas not to do this. Not to be taken away. But Cas hadn’t listened. It had been too late anyway. His joy was sealed, and so was his fate. He didn’t need to hear it back to be happy.

“I love you too,” Dean whispered to the empty room.

His eyes were dry now. He’d ran out of tears a few hours ago, but the sobs had continued for some time. Gasping, heaving, no room for air in his lungs because all he could feel was crushing disappointment, sadness, anger, self-loathing.

He’d had the chance to give Cas everything in his final moments.

And they were his final moments. He had no delusions about that. Cas was never coming back. Ever. There were no deals, no resurrections, no last ditch efforts to save him. He was just gone. The love of Dean’s life was gone.

Sam hadn’t called again. He probably assumed Dean was dead. He might as well be. Or maybe Sam was dead, Jack too.

The back of Dean’s gun dug into his side and he almost reached for it. His family was gone. So he might as well join them in eternal damnation.

But something stopped him. Some hope instilled in him by Cas’ words, even though now he was gone.

Cas had loved him. He had made Cas happy.

He looked down at the handprint again and fit his hand into it. It shouldn’t have still been wet. Not now. But it was, sticking slightly to Dean’s fingers.

He leaned his head back against the wall, the cold floor becoming uncomfortable beneath him. He wouldn’t leave tonight. He could stay alive. If only to stand up to Chuck when he had nothing left.

I love you, the words rang in his ear and he dry sobbed again, wishing there were tears left to fall.

Why hadn’t he just said it back? He’d meant it. He loved Cas. Maybe he always had. And not like he loved Sam. It was just Cas, only Cas, Cas was gone.

Distantly, he heard the bunker door open and close. At least Sam or Jack had made it out. Then again, that could be Chuck coming to drag him away. Coming to gloat that the flaw in his plan, the hiccup that Cas had caused again and again was gone.

Without Cas, they couldn’t win. Cas was what Chuck wasn’t expecting. He’d fought for Dean over and over. He’d shown his love over and over. And Dean had been too stubborn to see it, too stubborn to accept it.

Cas, the one Dean had abandoned and betrayed.

Cas, the one who came back ever single time.

Cas, the broken angel who had fallen too far.

And he was dead.

Dean pulled his hand from the handprint and looked to the ceiling. Searching for a sign, an answer, any comfort to remove the pit that had settled in his stomach weighing him down. He’d never felt like this. Not when Sam had died. Not when Mom had died. Hell, not even when Cas had died before.

This was different.

This was floating face down in a pool, weightless because everything was crushing inward. This was drowning, lungs filling up with pain that left no room for anything else. This was falling off a building willingly, death just inches below him, but not quite being able to reach it because he didn’t have the energy to die. This was a fate far worse than death.

He didn’t look up when Sam came into the room, Jack right behind him.

He barely reacted when Sam looked around frantically, crouching by his brother and shaking his shoulders, trying to see if he was okay.

He didn’t move until Sam asked in a quite voice, as if he was afraid of the answer, “Where’s Cas?”

Only then did he look up at his brother, his eyes rimmed red but completely dry. Sam’s eyes fell to the handprint on his shoulder and he knelt next to Dean. Jack stood over them, his head tilted curiously but something on his face saying he knew exactly where Cas was.

“Dean, what happened?” Sam said, resting an arm on his shoulder. Not the one with the handprint. Not the one that mattered. Not the one that stung with loss.

“He’s gone,” Dean said hoarsely. He’d have to tell him at some point. He’d have to get it over with. He’d have to let his soul open up and let out his darkest secret.

“The Empty?” Jack asked quietly, and Dean jerked his face up to look at him. Jack had known. He’d known about the deal. Of course he had… it was to save him.

Dean nodded mutley and his hands started shaking again. Gone, gone, gone. Cas was gone. Alone. Forgotten. In love with no clue that it was returned.

“What the hell?” Sam said, shifting to get more comfortable.

“He made a deal,” Jack supplied. His voice was tight with emotion. Dean risked a glance up at him. He looked just as alone as Dean felt. His father had been taken from him. “To save me,” he continued. "When he experienced a moment of true happiness, he would be taken.”

True happiness, Dean thought bitterly. It had been happiness enough to tell him. He’d seen that on Cas’ face. The joy, the freedom, the relief. He’d been carrying this for years.

“Cas wasn’t happy?” That was all Sam said. Disbelief written across his face, hanging in his voice.

He could have been.

“Dean,” Jack started, and Dean looked back at the floor. He knew what was coming. He’d been prepared for this. But he still couldn’t do it. “What made him happy?”

He couldn’t look at the kid. Not now. So instead he looked up at Sam, his eyes broken, pleading for him to understand. To understand why he was sinking lower and lower as every happy thought left his body. To understand why he would never be truly happy again. To understand that today, he’d lost everything.

Sam’s eyes widened just a fraction and then he nodded once, slowly. And Dean thought he was going to drop it there. But he understood even better than that. He understood that Dean needed to say it. “What did he say?” he asked softly.

“He said,” Dean took a deep breath. “He said he loved me.” He started crying again. No tears, just shaking shoulders and desperate gasps for air that wasn’t there. “And I-” he cleared his throat, trying to gain control. “I didn’t say it back.”

This time Sam reached across and pulled him into a tight hug, Dean shaking as he cried silently into his shoulder.

“He knew,” his brother said simply. “Of course he knew.”

No one spoke after that. They just sat there, reeling in shock. Cas was gone. Cas was what held this family together, what gave them a chance, and he was stuck somewhere completely alone, eternal emptiness finally laying its hold on him.

Dean wanted to shout to Sam that it didn’t matter if Cas had known. Because Dean hadn’t told him. Because Cas had seemed like he didn’t know. Because Cas had said that happiness was just in being. Was just in saying it.

But he didn’t know.

How could he know?

Happiness would have been waking up next to each other. Happiness would have been going on walks hand in hand, soft smiles exchanged between breathless kisses. Happiness would have been getting into stupid arguments and laughing when they were finally resolved. Happiness would have been being with each other, completely, entirely. Giving themselves over wholly, not to God and his angels, but to the other. Happiness would have been 3 AM movie parties and midafternoon cuddle sessions. Wiping away each other's tears and kissing away the pain.

So, yes. They could have been happy. Could have had it all.

But they didn’t.

And now they never would.

tag list below! ask to be added or removed:)

@fandomstuff67 @menjiiii @castielss @starlightcastiel @chaoticdean @larryforeveralways @dreamnovak @flowersforcas @tlakhtwritesdestiel @wanderingcas @prayedtoyou @good-things-do-happen-dean @jayus-fandom-writer @cas-you-assbutt-dean-needs-you @gmotheemo @starrynightdeancas @radiantdean @piemaker-from-gallifrey @on-a-bender @eshaninjer @trasherasswood @dreadful-delight @feraladoration @trenchcas @contemplativepancakes @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @thefourthheadofcerberus @seffersonjtarship @randomblabbling @craftywitchywoman @supernaturalisheaven @adsp-destielcockles @tehmanda @castielscrookedtrenchcoat @queen-rowenas @expectingtofly

#spn spoilers #cw suicide #destiel #mcd #spn fic #destiel fic #spn fanfic #supernatural fanfic #spn fan fiction #destiel fanfic #deancas fic #destiel ficlet #my writing

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pastelbatfandoms · 2 years

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First Sentence Tag #3

Rules: List 10 of your published fics and their first sentences, and then tag other writers to do it.

Idk any other writers on here,personally,so I’ll be either skipping that or tagging just my favorites. I also may do this again,because I have more then just 10 fics! may also do more than one sentence.

My One Shots only!

Mughead ( Jughead Jones x OC, Fluff, a drunk Archie Andrews appears.)

After Jason’s funeral….

They head home or to where Jughead had managed to procure a Motel to stay at. “So did you and Betty manage to get any leads on Jason’s death?” Michelle asks taking off her veiled hat.

On Your Knees (The Flash smut, Eowells, Reverse Flash, Meta human OC, Daddy Dom, smut,spanking,oral,using his speed like a vibrator ;) Secret relationship,Boss/Sub dynamic)

Team Flash (Myself,Caitlin and Cisco),as well as the man they knew as Dr Harrison Wells,were all sitting around the cortex waiting for The Flash to reach the building which was on fire.

We were on pins and needles to see if Barry,My brother,could make it up that building in time,even with the help of Dr. Wells,giving him a very impassioned speech about “Feeling the lightning” almost as if he knew about the feeling on an intimate level.

Remember Me (The Flash, HR Wells, Harry Wells x OC, grief, death,love, fluff)

I sat on the couch holding HR’s felt Bolero hat in my hands rubbing it between my fingers,I let out a shuddering breath,my head low,trying not to cry.

“I miss you HR.”

Like One of your French Girls (The Flash smut, Sherloque Wells x OC, drama, fluff, Eobard Thawne makes an appearance. Not in first person because I forgot.)

Renee should have known Sherloque would find out,he was a Detective after all.

The Final Goodbye (The Flash, Nash Wells, Eobard Thawne, Meta OC, drama, angst,fluff, enemies to lovers)

I couldn’t believe Eobard was back and in the body of someone who,despite not knowing very well,I didn’t particularly like or get along with.

Surrender (The Flash, Reverse Flash, Eobard Thawne x OC, angst, love, star crossed, fluff,time travel, again not in first person.)

She could feel him before she saw him. The buzzing in the air,that whoosh of wind followed by an electric current that ran up her skin,calling to her,Renee felt it throughout her entire body,as she willed her eyes to remain her natural hazel,willing Obsidian Storm to stay away for now.

The Beginning of The End (TWD prequel, Merle Dixon x OC, Daryl Dixon x OC’s BFF, angst, fluff, drama, mentions of alcohol and drugs, age gaps, eventual smut and cheating.)

At one time they would have asked where were you when Kurt Cobain passed? When the twin towers fell? When Michael Jackson died? and worse then those,when Trump became president?

Now unbelievably they would ask,where were you during the zombie apocalypse? if you were even still alive.

What We Do is Private ( The Governor x OC, age gap, D/S play, rough smut, pregnancy)

It was midday in Woodbury,people were milling about,talking and laughing,but I wasn’t really up for joining them,hell I wasn’t even up for guarding the wall,all I wanted was to see Philip or The Governor as they called him,My Boyfriend of a couple of months,or My second Boyfriend I should say,Merle being my first.

Lover Hunter Friend and Enemy (TWD, post apocalyptic,The Governor x OC, smut, dubious consent, toxic relationship, Merle Dixon x OC, age gaps, angst, fluff, grief,death)

It had been weeks since the attack on Woodbury thanks to Rick and his group. Of course I didn’t know who had done it until it was over,or how bad it was going to be until it was too late.

Enraptured (Supernatural fic, Chuck Shurley as God, Doppelganger OC, angst, smut, DDLG undertones, Gentleman Dom, Oral, religious undertones.)

Once I entered the bunker,I knew something was amiss. I could see it in Dean and Sam’s expressions as they looked at me. Then Sam saying, “Lena um there’s something you should know.”

Before he could tell me what was wrong,I felt a strong pressure,like the air itself closed in around us. Then a voice shout. “You B-Word!”

#one shots #smut #the walking dead #supernatural #the flash fanfiction #My OCs #Riverdale

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orionsangel86 · 3 years

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I’ve been thinking a LOT this morning about this comparison that keeps getting drawn between what meta writers are saying now about 15x20 and Destiel and the JohnLock Conspiracy(TM) and aside from just linking you all back to THIS POST by @winchestersingerautorepair which explains it all perfectly anyway, I do feel the need to stress some very clear and very glaringly different points that basically prove outright that this situation is Not That.

1. We already have confirmed Canon Destiel. The romantic feelings are confirmed in text. Destiel is canon. Arguably currently textually unrequited canon (yeah right) but it IS canon. It’s also Word of God canon. Basically, where we currently are is actually more canon than even Aziraphale and Crowley ever were. You can NOT say the same for JohnLock.

2. The JohnLock Conspiracy was all about how the actual final episode of the show was a “fake” bad finale, and how they would release a secret finale which would fix everything and make JohnLock canon a few weeks later. There was zero actual evidence of this anywhere. (Sorry JohnLock shippers, I feel for you I really do, but I just couldn’t ever see any evidence that the secret good finale was ever gonna happen.)

In contrast, we haven’t seen the Supernatural finale yet. It actually is next week. This is FACT. 15x20 is not a figment of Destiel shippers imaginations. We really do have one episode left which hopefully will give us everything we wish for.

3. All of this comparison has come out of meta writers saying 15x19 was written like a finale. We are calling it a finale and that’s why for some reason we are being mocked and compared to the JohnLock conspiracy... but... did those people who mock us not watch 15x19?!? (or at least get a plot summary and watch the final 10 minutes like me).

I can’t speak for my own opinion on the episode being bad, as I haven’t watched it. I have seen reactions both saying it was bad, and others saying it was good, or funny, or “so bad it’s good” but like, whatever. The point is, it WAS a finale. It was the episode that wrapped up the mytharc plot, had a callback montage to brother best moments and had them driving off into the sunset together now they are finally free. Like??? Call it whatever you want, but that was a finale.

Which is WHHHYYYY its SO WEIRD that there is still one episode left. What could POSSIBLY BE OUTSTANDING?

4. So yes. the FACTS are that UNLIKE Sherlock, Supernatural DOES have two finales. This isn’t some conspiracy. It’s a fact. We can joke that 15x19 was the “bronly” finale, but however you wanna see it, that was a finale. 15x20 can only be the long epilogue. The episode that wraps up the entire show. The episode JohnLock shippers dreamed about.

I really don’t mean to rub salt in the wound either. I don’t wanna insult anyone who believed in the conspiracy at the time, because hope is a funny thing that can have devastating effects - believe me, I know. But mocking us and trying to say the two are the same thing is just... wrong.

We don’t know how 15x20 will play out. But we do know the following FACTS:

Chuck is defeated. The big bad is gone.

There are no raised stakes anymore

the brothers are free (textually they confirmed this)

Jack as the new God, has fulfilled Castiel’s prophecy that he would bring about peace and balance to the universe. It’s done.

There is no story left concerning any of these big plot points.

BUT

Castiel is still in the Empty

Sam didn’t reunite with Eileen

Dean hasn’t said a damn thing about Castiel’s textually explicity confession of homosexual love for him

These are literally the ONLY things left to wrap up. There is NO WAY that the finale is going to be just a brothers road trip, growing old together, meeting random women, having kids and saying “Castiel Adam Jack Winchester you are named after the bravest men I know” kind of ending! It would be UNTHINKABLE for Dabb to do that.

I am seriously rubbing my temples on this whole thing because there are still so many naysayers that are pissing me off - particularly certain wannabe SPN writer BBFs who steal meta from Tumblr and pawn it off as their own “journalism” spewing crap all over Twitter about the matter because they have super secret insider knowledge from people who worked on the show that confirmed Misha isn’t back.

Oh Misha’s not back you say? Fuck you. Seriously. Fuck you. Everyone knows he went back to filming. He confirmed it himself over and over again until the CW finally panicked and told him to shut his damn mouth and change his story. These are the same people who have been feeding rumours into fandom for years to misdirect us. The same people who probably convinced KNOWN DESTIEL SHIPPER and SPN writer Meghan Fiztmartin to laugh at, deny, and mock Destiel shippers on Twitter literally only a few weeks before IT WENT CANON. They are doing everything in their power to put us off the scent. They don’t want us to know Cas is back because the ENTIRE ENDING RESTS ON CAS COMING BACK AND IF WE ALL KNEW IT WOULD BE SPOILED. DESTIEL IS THE ENDGAME THEY DON’T WANT SPOILED.

This is not anything like the JohnLock conspiracy because we have actual facts to back it up. We have all the evidence, we have all the logic, the narrative is BEGGING for the love story to be wrapped up. Dean MUST use his words and tell Castiel he loves him. Even the General Audience at this point can see that. So I beg you, stop mocking us for something you don’t know anything about.

If there is ONE THING you should trust right now. It’s the meta writers. We are the ones who have been telling you for YEARS that Destiel is a thing. That there was writer intent. Hell, we even predicted Jack would become God in the end (like seriously anyone with any understanding of literary analysis could see it was going that way). Mocking us after we have already been validated by canon confirmation of the DeanCas romance is just idiotic at this point.

#breaths #okay that became a rant #destiel #supernatural #spn endgame #15x20 #15x19 #the johnlock conspiracy #wank for ts #fucking twitter #im not even on it right now and im still getting drip fed

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fairlyspnfanfic · 3 years

Text

The Ties That Bind Us - Part 5

Summary: When your past comes back to haunt you, who will prevail? Hunting had been your life since your were 4 years old. The monsters that started you on that path were resurfacing, and you knew what you had to do. But nothing is ever truly secret, and nothing is ever that cut and dry with the Winchester’s in tow.

A/N: This is a new one that is coming from a few requests. I’m not going to post the actual requests because…well because it would spoil the story line and I’m pretty into this one.

Words: 2328

Warnings: Trauma, medical terminology, stress, hospital waiting room

PART ONE PART TWO PART THREE PART FOUR

My toes had been resting in the sand, fully submerged in the ocean saltwater, for hours. The chair I lounged in had sunk to the point that my seat was resting on the sand and was just beginning to cover the side rails. I could feel the warming rays of the sun on my skin, and I basked in the comfort of my parents sitting on either side of me.

I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees and lazily dragging my fingertips over the surface of the water. I planted my feet and began pushing myself up to a standing position. Having been sitting so close to the ground, it took no shortage of effort to get myself upright.

“So, what’s it gonna be, baby girl?” My father questioned me from his seat in the sand. Running my hands through my salt-air blown hair, I took a deep breath.

“I don’t know.” Looking out over the water, I crossed my arms over myself, hugging my elbows. I looked over at my mother, her ever-smiling face looking up at me.

“They’ll be here before you know it,” she said soothingly. I scrunched my eyebrows together quizzically, confused once more. “The boys. The Winchester’s.” Her answer was matter of fact. I hadn’t considered them, having been too elated to immerse myself in the bubble of happiness and relief that was my family being given back to me.

“Dean,” I whispered, drawing my eyes back out to the water as the pit of my stomach dropped out.

I heard my father chuckling behind me. “That boy’s a good nut. A little marred on the outside, mind you, and completely oblivious at that. But he’s a good nut.” My arms loosened and I felt my shoulders relax as I allowed myself a laugh.

“He really is.” My words were tinged with a hint of sadness. I could picture his face. The panic that was etched into it, his wide green eyes staring at me, pleadingly, assuring me that I was going to be fine.

“Hummingbird,” my mother’s voice pulled me from my thoughts of him. “I’ve known you for your entire life. From the first fluttering of your feet in my belly, and every second since. I’ve seen you grow into this beautiful woman, inside and out. But honey,” she paused briefly, taking a breath. “I’ve never seen you as happy as you are when you’re with that boy.”

Her kind eyes seemed to be able to see right through me and directly into my heart, if not my soul.

“But mom,” I whined. “I just got you back.” She reached out and held her hand open, gesturing for mine. I placed my hand gingerly into hers, feeling the prickling of tears coming to my eyes.

“I know, Y/N. I know. But you’ll never lose us.” She looked over at my father, her smile growing. “We’re always with you. And we’ll be here whenever you’re ready.”

I knelt into the wet sand in front of her, the waves lapping at my legs as my jeans quickly soaked through. “What if I want to stay?”

“Then you stay. But it’s up to you, baby girl,” my father answered nonchalantly.

“I think I’ll just go for a walk. Clear my head a little, okay?”

They both nodded back to me in response, as I began walking down the beach, my bare feet pressing into the sand with every step.

“Trap a reaper? Dean, are you insane?” Sam was yelling, his voice full of incredulity.

Dean gave no answer, just stared at his brother expectantly.

“No, Dean, this is crazy. We aren’t doing this!”

Dean stepped quickly over to his brother, gathering the front of his shirt in his fists as he pushed Sam against the wall behind him violently.

“Insane?” Dean’s voice was shaky and manic. “This is what we do, Sam!”

“No,” Sam responded calmly. “It’s what we’ve always done, and it never ends well.” He kept an even keel, ignoring the rage and sadness that were circling within him. He understood his brother’s actions but didn’t want to encourage them if he could help it.

“It ends with our family together, Sam. That’s all that matters here!” Dean’s fingers relaxed as he released his grip on Sam’s shirt and took a step back.

Sam’s face dropped. “Y/N wouldn’t want this, and you know it.”

“Well, she’s not here, is she?” Dean’s yelling attracted the attention of the nurse that had been sitting at the computer at her station. She looked up at them with judgmental eyes. “Sir!” Her voice rang out with authority.

“Sorry,” Dean answered, calming his voice down slightly but not breaking his eye contact with Sam.

They stared at each other, neither willing to back down. “I’ll do it alone,” Dean stated softly. He grabbed the bag that he had set down on the chairs and stormed down the hall. Ducking into the first bathroom that he could find, he closed the door behind him, quickly throwing the lock.

It didn’t take him long to get everything set up. Trap symbol painted, crucifix in the bottom of the mortar, ore, hemlock, what else? What am I missing? Dean went through the recipe in his head making sure he had everything just right. Finally, he dragged the blade of his pocketknife across his left palm, letting his blood begin to drip into the concoction as he threw a lit match down into it.

“O theris tes, caleo se cai deo.” He chanted the incantation and held his breath, praying that he’d done everything correctly.

“Really, Winchester? You’re summoning us into a washroom now?” The reaper who Dean recognized as Jessica was indignant. “What is it this time?” She threw her hands up in the air, disgusted, and attempted to walk away from him. Her foot faltered, hitting the edge of the symbol he had painted on the floor.

“You have got to be kidding me!” Her irritation was tangible.

“Not quite,” Dean answered with just a hint of casual jest. “I need your help.”

“You usually do.” Jessica was full of indignation. “What is it this time? Running from some big bad? Need to take a stroll through the land of the dead? What could it possibly be now?” Her anger was blazing, and though he would never admit it, Dean found himself intimidated by the reaper.

“Y/N,” Dean said by way of explanation. But the reaper gave no response, simply shrugged her shoulder and lifted her palms to the ceiling.

“What about her?”

“I need you to bring her back. Work a miracle, pull her back from hell, I don’t care.” He swallowed, his throat closing with pent up emotion. “Whatever it takes to bring her back. Just do it.”

“There’s always a price, Dean.” Her amusement was clear, both in her speech and body language, as she was now standing with one foot to the side, propping her right hip higher than the other as she stroked her chin.

“Name it. I’ll pay it.” His caramel-apple eyes began to tear as he struggled to hold them back.

“Oh Dean, Dean, Dean. Always so willing to die for those you love.” Jessica smiled, a devilishly delighted grin.

“We have a deal or not?” His gravelly voice enunciated his seriousness.

“I haven’t even told you what I would require,” she droned. “Have some patience,” she spat at him in staccato as her grim smile quickly fell into a severe and intense glare.

“I told you to name it, I don’t care. Just tell me what you want!”

She hesitated, lightly pacing across the two or three feet that she had been granted. Suddenly, she stopped in the center of the mark, her head snapping up to Dean and that same devilish grin slowly drawing itself across her face.

“What?” Dean’s demand was loud, hoping to show her the urgency of the matter.

“Nothing,” she said, succinctly and sweetly, her arms crossed in front of her.

“Nothing? You’re saying you want nothing in return? What’s the catch?”

“Call it a get out of jail free card, Dean.”

He looked at her incredulously. “I don’t get it, why would you do it for nothing?”

“Because you, Dean Winchester, will be in my debt. And I will hold that debt until it is paid in full. You can count on it. But for now,” She held her hands up, opening up her fingers as if demonstrating their emptiness. “For now, I want nothing. But you will come when I call,” she looked down at the trap before making eye contact with him again. “And I will call.”

Dean paused, considering the offer and turning it over in his mind. “Done.”

There was a knock at the door, startling Dean momentarily. “In a minute,” he yelled, waving the would-be-intruder off.

“We have a deal, then?”

Dean nodded in response, leaning down and scraping away the edge of the painted symbol. By the time he stood back up, Jessica was gone. He could only hope she would make good on it.

I walked down the beach, enjoying the feel of the warm sand between my toes and the water lapping at my feet. But internally, my mind raced. Getting my parents back was life changing. Or I guess, afterlife changing. I hadn’t seen then in decades, and yet being with them felt so natural. As if no time had passed at all. Each time my mother called me Hummingbird, the nickname I’d had since I was just kicking her bladder around in-utero, my heart soared. Each grunt or chuckle from my father sent delight through me. And yet, I felt as though I was in an impossible situation.

The Winchester’s were there. Undoubtedly working through the job, or on their way to another. Could I leave them? Could I really be truly happy knowing that I may never see them again? May never see Dean again? The thought brought a sob from my mouth as I moved my hand up, running my fingers over my mouth.

A seagull flew past me, cawing as it went, drawing my attention back behind me. I had walked farther than I had realized. I could just make out my parents as they sat in their chairs, their silhouettes small and distant. Taking a moment, I faced the ocean again, feeling the slow drag as my feet sank into the sand more with each caress of the water. I could remember my mother taking me to beaches as a child. We would both sink, giggling at the loud smacking sounds that were created when we pulled our feet out.

Smiling to myself, I looked back over towards my family and began walking again. But out of seemingly nowhere, my path was impeded by a person. A woman with long red hair and defined cheekbones stared at me, her face unreadable, wearing a long black trench coat.

“Let’s go,” she said, matter-of-factly as she pulled her black gloves off her hands, one finger at a time.

“What?” I shook my head, confused.

Her deep sigh did nothing to endear her to you, let alone to explain who she was. “You’re not the easiest soul to find up here, ya know. It took no shortage of effort on my part. Effort I should not be extending to begin with.” Both of her gloves were off now, as she looked me in the eyes, unblinking but the corners of her mouth seemed to draw up, as though she wanted to smile but thought better of it.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Jessica.”

I waited for an explanation that clearly was not coming voluntarily. “Jessica who?”

“Y/N, we really don’t have time for this.” She sighed through her sentence, obviously irritated.

“Maybe you don’t, but I have all the time in the world apparently.” My aversion to authority had kicked in and being pushed around by a stuck-up stranger did not bode well for it ending anytime soon.

“Jessica. Reaper. Here to whisk you back to the land of the living as instructed.” She rolled her eyes, clearly resentful.

“Instructed by whom?” She looked at me blankly, as if to tell me that my question as asinine.

“He didn’t.” My eyes were wide and felt as though they might burst out of my sockets.

“Like I said,” she began. “We don’t have much time. It’s now or never, kid.”

My eyes drifted over to my parents, my heart feeling as though it would break, as I felt Jessica’s cold hard fingertip press against my forehead and my vision went black.

To be continued….

Part Six

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pretend-writer · 3 years

Text

I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing (Sam Winchester x reader)

Summary: As Y/N gets seriously injured during a hunt, Sam realizes he should’ve told her how he really felt about her.

Pairing: Sam Winchester x reader

Title Reference: I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing x Aerosmith

Word Count: 1.5k words

Warning: mention of death, violence and injuries

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Sam's pov;

She was the light of my life, the way she smiled always made me feel warm inside. Every time she entered the room, I swear the world froze. For as long as I remembered, I've been in love with Y/N.

We've been best friends since we were little kids, playing in the mud and pranking Dean together. We eventually went to school together, complaining that we barely had the same classes.

Dad would move around from town to town, sometimes even state to state because of his job; hunting. Her family would sometimes let Dean and I stay with them so we didn't have to change schools and move around all the time.

Y/N's family were our family friends for a long time, visiting each other from time to time whenever we'd be far away from each other. Loving us as much as she did, Y/N's mother made sure we all stayed in touch. Despite dad being busy constantly year round, she made sure she made time for me, Dean and Y/N to reunite.

So when Y/N proposed that she wanted to help the Winchesters and hunt, we weren't surprised at all. Honestly, I was more surprised that she never brought the idea up sooner.

Y/N was intrigued by the hunting life since she met us, talking to dad and helping him with research whenever she would come over. Dad loved that she loved hunting too, I knew he enjoyed her company and loved her like she was his own daughter.

Learning everything from dad, she probably knew more than us. There were multiple times where Y/N saved our asses during hunts. I appreciated every single second of the day she was with me.

But I always feared that one day our luck will run out. Or even worse, her luck will run out. I would hate the day where she would come back injured and there was nothing I could do to help her.

And then it happened.

It all happened quickly; Dean and I were in a different room when I heard her scream. The werewolf got her from behind while she wasn't looking, scratching her back and then running away as it heard our footsteps coming it's way.

When Dean and I rushed to find her in the room, I froze in place from shock. She laid silently on the ground, unconscious as blood dripped from her back onto the floor.

'Sammy!' Dean yelled at me, trying to get my attention as my mind went blank. He knew about my love for her, he figured out that I was panicking. 'I need you to focus for me.'

Nodding in response, I tried not to pay too much attention to what was happening. It was hard, seeing the woman that I loved so much in pain. I knew that I should've stayed with Y/N but I didn't and suddenly regret took over my mind.

Dean was so calm, carefully picking her up from the floor as he carried her to our Impala. The drive back to the car wasn't cheerful at all, not like always. Y/N would sing a song about the supernatural beings we hunted for that night, giggling and smiling as she finished her made-up song.

This time, I was holding back my tears as I played a whole bunch of scenarios in my head. I would look into the rear view mirror to check on her and all I could think of was how I never told her that I loved her.

We did everything we could to fix her up; cleaning up and sewing her wounds, giving her some antibiotics to make sure she doesn't get worse than it already was.

The more the time had passed, the more nervous I got for her. She made no sound, no movement and it scared me that she might not wake up.

I didn't know how much time had passed until Dean had came into her room to check on us. 'Sam, you're still here?'

'Of course.' I bit my lip, not taking my eyes off of Y/N.

'She'll wake up, I know it. You know how strong she is, I know she's fighting this.'

Slowly nodding, I replied to my brother. 'Yeah.'

I didn't know what else to say; I was mad that I couldn't protect her, angry at myself that I failed to save the person I loved so much. I've even promised her family I'd take good care of her, I knew that I let everyone down.

In my mind I told myself over and over, Y/N would be alright and she would wake up any minute. My heart shattered into pieces when I constantly doubt it that that might not happen.

I just needed her to wake up again, see her gorgeous smile that I loved so much and hug her tightly.

Dean had probably sensed that I was tired, upset and mad about what had happened to her. He rested his hand on my shoulder, 'I know how much you love her Sammy. Trust me, Y/N will wake up any minute. You know how stubborn she is.'

A light chuckle escaped my mouth, reminiscing all the times I've spent with Y/N. Her and Dean used to play fight when we were younger, Y/N refused to give up and continued to wrestle with my brother.

'I just miss her, a lot.' Y/N was the only thing that was on my mind, people say that you don't know what you have until it's gone. It was all true.

'Me too, buddy.'

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Y/N's pov;

Feeling pain through my whole body, I gently opened my eyes. I couldn't grasp where I was at or what I had been doing prior to this. All I saw was Sam sitting next to me, top half of his body resting on my bed as he held my hand.

Lightly smiling to myself, I watched Sam sleeping soundly. It was cute how lightly he snored, for a little bit I forgot I was in so much pain.

'Y/N?' He groaned as he slowly woke up, lifting his head to check on me. As I squeezed his hand in response, a huge grin appeared on his face. 'You're awake.'

'I'm sorry I messed up for you guys. I didn't hear him coming at all, it happened so qui-'

'Don't apologize, ever.' Sam caressed his thumb over my hand, comforting me with worried eyes. 'I'm just so glad you're okay. I was honestly so scared.'

'Scared of what?'

Sam got quiet, he quickly let go of my hand and leaned against his seat. He seemed nervous, fidgety as if he regretted what he had said.

It was tough trying to figure out Sam; I didn't know to reassure him or leave him be. Despite being friends with Sam my entire life, there were more things I had to learn about him.

'I-I' He stumbled with his words, trying to gather his thoughts before he said anything more. 'Out of all the hunts, all our adventures, this had been the most afraid I've been.'

'I'm sorry, Sam.'

'No... I was scared that I lost you. That you'd never wake up, that I'd never see you again.'

My eyes widened, not expecting Sam to say these words. I've always loved him, more than a childhood friend, more than "the boy next door", more than anyone that I've known.

'You don't have to say anything. Just know, I love you. I'm so in love with you, Y/N.'

Somehow I didn't know what to say, despite knowing how I felt about him. Maybe I always thought that Sam and I weren't supposed to happen. I never thought the he'd feel the same way that I did, I've assumed he saw me like a sister just like Dean did.

'Well, can I say something?'

Sam slowly nodded whilst biting his lip. 'Uhm, yeah.'

'I've been in love with you, for so long I don't even remember the last time I wasn't.'

'R-really?' Sam's eyebrows rose, he still didn't believe it. Perhaps he thought the same thing; that I only saw him as a brother figure. ‘I would’ve never thought.’

‘Hah, surprise.’ I laughed nervously, it was hard to keep eye contact with him as I suddenly felt shy in front of him.

It was weird, feeling the way I felt even when I’ve known him all my life. I’ve shared everything with him from clothes to bed, we’ve told each other so many secrets together to a point where we know so much. Yet, this moment between Sam and I felt awkward but at the same time it was a relief that he finally knows how I felt about him.

Sam scooted his chair near my bed, grabbing onto my hand with small tears on his eyes. I didn’t notice that he was crying or why he was even crying. ‘Sammy, are you okay?’

He flashed a smile, the same cute grin that I loved since we were little kids. Even with tears in his eyes, his smiles were always genuine. 'Now I am.'

#supernatural fic #sam winchester one shot #sam winchester fic #supernatural sam one shot #sam winchester x reader

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