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i-dont-want-your-hysteria · 3 years

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a message.

This whole post is full of things I’ve wanted to say for a very long time. So yes, this is going to be very long.

Before I begin, I just wanted to say I’m sorry to the innocent people who had nothing to do with this. I’ve never ever been involved with online/fandom drama before, I hate being in this position so fucking much with all my heart and soul, and I never thought in my whole life that I’d be in this position, either.

Secondly, this is about the DEF LEPPARD FANDOM ON TUMBLR. If you’re not part of this fandom, kindly fuck off :^) This is not about you.

This post explains why I feel this way. And to those innocent people who aren’t involved with this, I’m sincerely sorry if any of this has changed your opinions of me.

I’m in a mood and a half, so I’ll do my best to effectively tell everything from my perspective. Read if you want, but this is just what I’m thinking.

I’ve been running this blog for almost three years now. When I first joined this fandom on tumblr at the beginning of 2018, there wasn’t really a ‘fandom’ per se; all the main blogs were dead, no one ever really posted, and there wasn’t much content. I decided to start a DL blog of my own to vent my love into it and not spam my main account.

Within a month, I could quickly see that some sort of renaissance was happening in this fandom; more blogs were popping up, more people were posting, and more people were just participating in general. There were memes now, there were conversations now- it was great! There was a real community; it was all about sharing information, spewing our love, getting creative, and interacting!

There was integrity, and there was respect for the band as well as one another.

I, as part of this community, wanted to do everything in my physical power to contribute in any way I could. I was insanely active and hyper-productive and could not be stopped. I still haven’t stopped, but I certainly have slowed down significantly (due to lack of new activity from the band and increased mental health issues I won’t get into). I don’t want to be self-centered and say that I was “running” this branch of the fandom for the past 2.7 years, but I was certainly a big player in it, and I feel everyone agreed (and some still agree) with that as well.

There were some times where disagreements happened. There were times where many of us knew that someone else was crossing a line in a post. We knew what qualified as “not okay” in terms of being perverted and such. We’d solve this by not blaming, not hounding, not sending anon hate, not calling out, but by presenting facts, talking maturely, and trying to right the wrongs as maturely as we could.

Yes, it was possible. Was.

I don’t think you guys realize just how much content I’ve contributed to this fandom. I have spent basically every single day of the past 3-ish years trying to spread information/content/photos/videos/links/etc. to everyone who follows me (and everyone who doesn’t). This fandom was (and I cannot stress this enough), literally my entire life for the past 3 odd years, and I really wanted to spend the rest of my life contributing to it the way I’ve been.

I don't think anyone on here realizes everything that I have done for this community. Because of me:

this fandom has access to Animal Instinct for free

this fandom has access to the rare picture disc interview

this fandom has numerous scans of photos that may have not ended up online otherwise (I also paid $70 to have access to some of these. You're welcome.)

we have Fabulist Icons content

we have a decent amount of fanfiction that doesn't only focus on the boys banging each other/sex in general (seriously, this simply didn’t exist on here before I started posting my shit)

we have a little more fan art

we have content from Phil's and Ross's books

we have hundreds (yes, literally, HUNDREDS) of edits/moodboards/memes/etc. that I made myself

we have gifsets of things that no one else would have made

we have achieved justice a lot of the time when content was stolen because I have defended everyone without question/rallied up armies the second I heard it happened

some of you have gotten updates on news/facts/history/details/etc. that you’ve never even heard of

probably a shit ton more things, but that’s all I can think of for now. You get the point.

But that’s only half the story. This band and fandom has given me so much to cherish over the past few years.

Because of this fandom and the people (that were once) in it, I have:

met Rick in person

met, quite honestly, my two best friends ever, @ballistic-lipstick-dream-machine (my true Terror Twin) and @paper-sxn (adopted little sister/cousin)

became in contact with Phil's guitar tech from the mid-80s (Mike)

gained creative ambition to play guitar, create art, write stories, make edits/gifs, travel, and basically just better myself

began a record collection that is now in the hundreds and gained a lot of knowledge from it

discovered a whole new genre of music

found a community/culture where, for the very very first time in my life, I felt like I BELONGED.

fallen in love with something and someone for the first time

felt like I actually mattered to people, like I was actually important (because people would always come to me for information or help if they needed it)

basically impacted every corner of my life

just about a million other things, too, but I will be here all night if I try to list them all.

To put it delicately: Def Leppard and this fandom on tumblr absolutely changed my life, and was the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.

I have spread so much information around, you newer people wouldn't imagine. I have gathered and seen so much information, you wouldn't believe how much I know and how much I've learned. I have bounced back and forth between formats time after time again that I feel like I’m stuck in a time warp. I have edited so many things on non-professional programs that I am an MS paint expert. I have been here so long, that I’ve seen 98% of the people in this branch of the fandom rotate in and out at least two or three times.

That being said, all of the toxic people in this fandom will most likely be gone within the next 6 months.

Def Leppard has taught me so much, but a big thing was love and loyalty. It's clear that the majority of people in this fandom (read my lips- I am N O T saying anyone’s names. I mean that.) do not know the meanings of either of these words. I've been practically running this fandom on Tumblr for nearly three years now, you’ve seen all that I’ve done for you, and what have I gotten in return?

Slander, cyberbullying, disrespect, consistently stolen content, etc. That’s what I’ve gotten. I’ve never attacked anyone on here, and that is still something I won’t do.

Yes, I am against slash fic, and I can’t believe that THAT’S the only reason why I’m being torn down like this. Something so dumb and immature as that has torn my beloved community in half. I have never attacked ANYONE for writing slash fic, yet I’ve been getting attacked since August (it is November now) for simply believing it is wrong to openly admit you want the boys to fuck each other.

(I’d also like to point out that someone from the KISS fandom ((god knows why)) had the balls to call me “homophobic” for hating slashfic. I can’t even begin to explain how much I laughed at that.)

I just wanna say that these are REAL people you’re writing about, you know. Don’t you think THEY would be against it? I know I cannot stop anyone from writing slash (I’ve said that before, but no one seems to remember it). I don’t think any of you realize that there is a certain line you shouldn’t cross when it comes to the internet, and being perverted in such an explicit and disrespectful way is one of them. We always had integrity in this fandom, and slash was never part of something we stood for. We knew when to stop, and we kept the slash on rockfic.com (where it belongs imo. That’s like their element).

I was very confused when more slash fics started appearing on tumblr this year. Now, it seems like that’s all there is, and I’m disgusted.

Whenever something close to that happened in 2018, everyone would be totally against it, and we’d talk it out and explain. While we all had our fair share of horny (and maybe then some) in this fandom, but we always knew where to draw the line. That was the line. That line doesn’t exist anymore, apparently, and nobody knows how to be mature and respectful to the band, to each other, and just for fuck’s sake. Now, I’m being slammed that being perverted for them fucking their best friends is “just fandom, bitch” and “the norm” and that it’s done “out of respect”, which I will never understand. You can’t use “slash” and “respectful” in the same sentence, and you can’t change my mind, but I know I can’t change yours, either.

Slash is not, nor will it ever be, respectful. This fandom has become toxic.

Fanfiction is an outlet for creativity to be used for fun, not to be used as an excuse to project your sexually perverted sexuality headcannons/fetishes onto innocent, REAL, LIVE people. If all you write/read is them having sex with each other, then it really makes you wonder if it’s about “respect” anymore, doesn’t it?

In my opinion it’s fucked up that it’s “normal” and “just part of fandom” to create sexualities for- again- REAL, LIVE PEOPLE, and it’s everyone’s first instinct to argue that it’s fine, apparently? If you “respect” your idols so much like you claim you do, then why don’t you maybe respect their actual orientations instead of creating masturbation material for random 12 year olds and boomers, perhaps?

I don’t know what I did that was so fucking wrong in your eyes, as I’ve always tried to keep integrity in this area of tumblr.

I'm very deeply hurt, more than I've ever been by this. It physically hurts me to admit that this fandom has become as toxic as it currently is. I don’t feel welcome here anymore at all, despite practically running things on here for so long.

I don’t know how I could ever live without this fandom, but now it looks like I’m going to have to try, or at least try and rebuild it on my own (again). I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop posting about Def Leppard, and after all, I only started posting about them for myself to begin with.

We were supposed to be the good fandom, the happy fandom, the fandom with no drama. I am ashamed to be associated with you now. I tried to stop it as best as I could, and hoped people would back me up, but I’ve received nothing but hate for simply trying to preserve some dignity.

You guys have been immature to say the least, and I find it very hard to believe that some of you are legal adults (but let’s be honest; most of you toxic people are probably too young to even be behind a computer, anyway).

I’ve had to block some people that I really didn’t want to, but the deed is done. Keep your slash to yourself, tag it, do a read more, post it somewhere else, even- that’s how you co-exist. Just don’t come after me because I think it’s wrong. I never came after anyone specifically like that.

This isn’t goodbye, but I certainly am leaving for a while. I hope I got my point, my history, and my perspective across.

And I hope you’re fucking happy, because you’ve destroyed something I loved.

-Rachel

#also to helena_s_renn on rockfic: suck my dick bitch :3 #thank you to those who have messaged me and been kind #time to watch my follower count dwindle at the speed of sound #goodbye

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foxwatchesanime · 4 years

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How I stopped caring about comments: A rambly post by me

This is rambly so hold onto your seats, I apologies.

I’ve been thinking a lot about comment/review culture in the last few months, particularly after returning to a brand new fandom as a writer and regular content creator. Maybe this is something I’ve been thinking about for a while, maybe not, but I wanted to share my thoughts on the way I perceive comments, how it’s changed for me since I’ve been in fandom and I’d love to hear from other people what their opinion is and how they relate to comments on their work.

I’ve been creating content in fandom spaces for about eleven years now. I started out on YouTube when I joined my first fandom, Merlin, and I made my first fanvideos in 2009. In December of 2009, I published my first fanfiction, plus one sequel which remains unfinished as well as a few other smaller projects. In October of 2010, I published my first podfic and would go on to publish two more. My focus in fandom had always been YouTube, where I regularly created fanvideos. My schedule was never consistent, as with most vidders back in the day, but I’d be comfortable in saying I posted regularly discounting three unintentional hiatuses, one in 2013 following the Merlin finale, one in 2015 probably due to a lack of inspiration and one in 2017 after what I was sure was going to be my permanent comeback to YouTube, only for my hard drive to break and delete all my footage yeeeeeey.

I’ve now made an actual, official return to my original platform, this time creating videos for my new passion and fandom: anime. Since February of 2020 I’ve also been regularly publishing fic and have no desire to stop doing so. I’m thoroughly invested in new fandom spaces again and am engaging with its fans and the content.

But the one thing I have seen change drastically in my approach to things is commenting, following and general engagement.

Let’s take a step back.

When I first started posting content, comments were not something I even had in my consciousness. I think I knew YouTube comments existed, but I didn’t really pay attention to it. I didn’t even know what subscribers were until I started hearing other people talk about them and then I suddenly felt like it’s something I should be keeping an eye on myself.

In a centuries old vlog of mine that is now private on my channel, I noticed that when I hit 100 subscribers, I made a video thanking everyone because I was so excited that with more subscribers, I was going to “make more friends.” Oh dear xD

But the truth is, I have been consistently and chronically bad at keeping up with or caring about the analytics of my various platforms. It wasn’t till writing this post today that I went to check my FF.net account to see how many comments my first two Merlin fics ever got. I still couldn’t tell you my exact number of YouTube or Ao3 subscribers, how many hits or kudos my fic have and I don’t think I’ve ever checked my bookmarks for notes, or whatever you’re able to leave on there.

Commenting culture on YouTube, for all my joking earlier, was primarily about connection, at least back then. Most of the old guard have moved on and those who have remained are now vidding in other fandoms. The social aspect of YouTube in my opinion has changed dramatically since I was at my peak output on there, but I remember how interactive the comments sections used to be. They literally were, where you made friends.

A couple of years ago, me and a friend of mine started a Merlin podcast called Merlisten. We created it for fun and without many expectations of what might come out of it. And it was this that changed my relationship with commenting for good.

Doing Merlisten felt, for the first time in a long time, like pure creativity and passion without anyone’s permission. We always encouraged people to leave feedback as one does, but I don’t think either of us expected to get much, if any. Even considering the incredible support we’ve received with feedback coming in almost every single episode now, there is still a clear and overwhelming gap between the amount of comments given to an episode of Merlisten, to one of my old fanvids or fics. It’s even more interesting when one considers how much more effort and time went into creating Merlisten compared to say, editing or writing, at least for me personally. The amount of man hours spent on creating one 2.5 hour episode from pre-production to final posting often outweighs any other video or chapter I’ve created. Not always, but often.

What struck me as interesting, however, was that even though comments weren’t always consistent and I always love and continue to love reading them, it’s not what was fuelling me to work hard on this project. I was doing it because I adored it and I knew it was something I was proud to put into the world.

And that literally changed everything.

I think for a long time, I was always trying to cater my art to what might get the most attention or please the widest demographic of people. It’s how you think when you’re young and you don’t know any better. But for the first time, I was creating something on my own terms that I had no idea if anyone would even listen to and the actual creative process of making said art was ten times more rewarding than any single comment I could ever read. Which really, what I realised, is what art is supposed to be. I can safely say that if Merlisten didn’t get a single comment from here on in, I would still want to see it to its conclusion for one very simple reason: Because I had something to share.

This brings me to my recent return to writing fic in fandom and it’s not a decision I’ve regretted for a second. More than anything, I’ve realised how personal art can really be, especially when it’s in writing. I’ve found it revealing and cathartic and fascinating in a way that I didn’t ever imagine.

But more importantly, I’ve realised that the real beauty for me in engaging in art is the ability to get an emotional response from it or to relate to it. And that goes for both other people’s work and my own. I can feel just as invested in my own work as someone else’s and that’s not because I think my work is amazing, it’s because I know it’s come from something that was living in me. When I put something out there that I made with my own two hands, that feeling now trumps any sort of feedback I could possibly get and that’s the endorphin I live off.

Don’t mistake this for me not liking comments, that’s obviously not true. My brain gets the same dopamine hit as anyone’s when I get a notification for something or other, but I’ve realised that I have a very specific relationship with comments that I definitely didn’t have before, if my requests for review on FF.net is anything to go by.

Now, what I find exciting and thrilling is the thought that, if writing this fic got this sort of emotional response out of me, the writer, I wonder if there are other people out there who think the same way I do? Who have a similar way of experiencing joy or suffering or humour or who like the same things as me? That, is an insanely invigorating feeling. And then when someone chooses to take time out of their day to tell you that what came from your head is the same sort of way they feel about life? That’s not a comment, that’s not feedback, that’s a connection you have with another person. And that’s where I start to get excited. And it’s taken me this fucking long to realise it.

Honestly, I was really worried upon returning to writing and vidding this year that my experience working in digital marketing, where everything is about numbers and social media is all about engagement and nothing else, that I would be overwhelmed and not be able to switch off the part of my brain that’s been trained to think like that. I’m so relieved that that’s not the case.

As previously mentioned, I suck at giving a shit about analytics and looking at my own stats. I couldn’t give a flying fuck. But I did just go and check my YouTube videos since returning back to vidding. Not a single one of them has views over 200 at this point. Most have less than 100. My most viewed video on YouTube has 57,000 views. And the thing is, there might have been a time when I looked at that and thought, well, this means I suck. This means I can’t make art. This means there’s no point to it.

But no, that's not true.

The point is not how many people see it, how many people like it, how many people comment on it. The point is that I made it. I’m going to continue making YouTube videos despite the fact that the algorithm will destroy any chances they have at getting engagement or views. Even if not one single person comments on them. Because when I’ve finally rendered a new video, or finished proof reading a new chapter, I feel so fucking happy that everything else is just window dressing to me now.

Because not only is online engagement and following such a stab in the dark these days anyway with algorithms changing and trends moving constantly, but this is the real truth about comments, following and feedback:

The truth is, I don’t need a stranger on the internet to praise me so that I can feel good about my art. The day that I start doing that, I’ve already lost. I used to think that way on a regular basis. Guess what, it didn’t make me produce better art. It didn’t make my life better. Because being validated by others never does. It doesn’t matter how many keysmashes I might get or how many sonnets or kind words, because If I don’t like what I create, there isn’t a single human being on the planet who will make me like it, no matter what they say or how they say it. For others, this might not be the case. But this is my reality.

I know this, because I recently speed-wrote and published a fic for a fanweek. I wrote 13k in about 8hrs. So far, it’s received nothing but positive words. But it doesn’t matter. After I published it, I had a crisis about how it wasn’t good enough, that there should have been an extra arc, that it ended too quickly, that there wasn’t a climax. Even as the comments came in, it didn’t change my mind. Because other people’s comments will never really lead to fulfilment.

I want you all to know that I get emotional over every single comment that is sent to me. Every personal story, ever keysmash and heartfelt thoughtful message that took the time to analyse my work. Connecting with you guys has been one of the biggest joys of entering this fandom. But it’s not going to be what fuels me to create and to carry on doing the best work I can. All I can do is treat it as the wonderful privilege that it is, and not any part of the reason I do it.

In conclusion:

Finally, at age 27 and in the midst of enjoying fandom after a very long period of being either meh about it or lurking, I finally feel content with the fact that I want to create in order to put things out into the world that I worked hard on, that I’m passionate about and that hopefully, in whatever way it might be, it might have touched someone who feels the same things too. It makes me feel accomplished, it makes me feel like I might be contributing something small to the world and it makes me feel like maybe one other person was made happy by it. And even if they never tell me that and if no one else ever comments on what I create, or even if they comment on it in spaces that I never see; private servers, chats between friends or blogs that I don’t follow, that’s also fine. Because there’s always at least one person who is going to feel happy that she made something. And that’s me.

The short version: I never used to care about comments, then I did, and now I no longer do.

Sorry for the ramble, but I wanted this here for myself to look back upon in case my opinion ever changes on this or I ever start to lose my way again and feel overwhelmed. I’d love to hear your guys’ experiences with this sort of thing and whether you’ve ever felt bogged down by the need for feedback.

#writing #fandom #vidding #essay #personal

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serenagaywaterford · 5 years

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Hello, I really don’t know who to talk to but I’m realizing I’m a lesbian after identifying as bisexual since 2016, I came out to my parents and they’re both supportive and happy for me. I’m a highschooler and it’s awkward being gay and no one knowing as ppl tease me to date my guy friends. Any tips or advice in general on being a lesbian? It’s still so weird to talk about but I wanna grow to be very open with my sexuality

Been there. (I used to insist I was straight (for YEAAAAARS I was with the same guy), then bisexual cos I thought I had to be since I was “straight” and not particularly conflicted about it for so long. So it’s a process and a journey getting here no matter what, and everyone takes different routes.) And I’ll be honest, you’re way ahead of the game already. Good for you and you should be proud and happy with yourself for being so self-aware and in touch with yourself. That takes a lot of insight and courage.

I think generally… people will say a lot of things but until you are comfortable being around your friends and family as yourself, it’s never going to be easy. It’s not easy when you’re out either but at least you’re not stuck hiding who you are and adding that level of tension to every interaction. To be honest, I was never particularly comfortable with myself. Not even when I got married to another woman. (My issues with the institution of marriage aside…) But in my job I basically am forced to come out daily to complete strangers, constantly, with the words “my wife”. It gets way, way easier and I’m lucky enough to be in a place and a position that affords me that freedom. Not everyone is.

Are the people teasing you your friends? I mean, high school fucking sucks. I don’t even care how people want to romanticise it after the fact, or in media, or whatever. Even the best experiences are littered with a bunch of drama. We’re all idiots in high school and we all treat our friends like shit half the time, even our best friends. I didn’t have a bad time in high school. In fact, I’d say it was pretty good overall. (I wouldn’t do it again, mind you.) But still, the shit you put up with from friends is just excessive, and also the shit you give friends–or at least the shit I gave my friends lol. It’s just so… ugh.

So, I mean, without knowing much more about the situation, I would confide in my good friends. Unless, for some reason that endangers you in some way. And yes, unlike some hardcore people, I do think social ostracization in high school is damaging. I don’t buy into the whole “Well, if they don’t like it fuck them, all you need is you!” cos that’s bullshit. You DO need friends in high school, even if they’re not perfect friends, even if you won’t stay friends with them in a few years. Having social support is incredibly important and to be alienated completely is lonely and leaves you vulnerable, and you miss out on stuff too. I mean, if your friends are complete total assholes, then by all means, drop them cos that won’t help and you may be better off alone, but if they’re only sort of annoying, well… That’s life, lol. Until you get out of the fishbowl of high school and people being to calm the fuck down about every tiny drama, there aren’t a lot of options. I found my best friends annoying af sometimes, and some of them had views on certain subjects that fucking pissed me off. But hey, at the end of the day, we still got along and had a bond, and worst came to worst almost all of them would be there for me, and me for them, despite some differences.

Are those the type of friends you have? Or do you think your friends would turn on you if you confided in them?

It’s so lonely to hold onto a secret like that, and constantly put up with what I’m sure they think is harmless teasing about boys. It can hurt you, and god, it’s fucking irritating on top of everything else. And, I hate to say this, but that sort of thing NEVER ENDS. It gets less and less, but I’m literally married to a woman for like 2 years now and a dude friend of ours just last week asked us if maybe we both just hadn’t found the right men yet. And on the subject of sex, he said, “Well, how do you know if you haven’t tried it?” to my wife. Interestingly, she is not a gold star and knows very well what hetsex is like (she fucking HATES it on every imaginable level), but she’s just never volunteered that information for public consumption. Still, as you can see, you’ll always have stupid imbecile friends who say stupid ass comphet shit to your face, even when you are blatantly a lesbian. Unfortunately, it one of those things you just have to… learn to deal with. I hate that we must.

I know that’s not exactly helpful or hopeful, but it’s reality. So these dumb friends of yours, maybe they’re not doing it to be hurtful or annoying, they just genuinely think you like boys. There’s only really one solution to get them to stop (and even that isn’t going to be a guarantee) and that’s to come out to them–only if you can. Tell them how it makes you feel. Share with them what you’ve said to me. It’s hard enough to exist as a lesbian right now, let alone having to hide and be shamed for it. Friends should get that. But all of them may not…

I had one friend who was super open with her “sexuality” (she’s an attention whore, lbr.) who, when I told her finally that I think I wanted a girlfriend, she was super supportive. Then when the group of them were going to a gay club, I said I’ll tag along and she told me no. And her exact words: “You look too straight. Nobody will talk to you and I don’t want people to think I’m straight too.” (SHE IS STRAIGHT, just for the record. But she likes to steal girls’ boyfriends by doing threesomes, pretending to be into girls, threesomes, and poly, and then manipulating the boys into dumping their gfs. She also likes to breakup girlfriends just to prove she can. She has NEVER been in a relationship with a woman, only breaks lesbian couples up and then fucks off. She tried it with me and my girlfriend once. Nice friend. Just so we all know what she’s like.)

Note: These were my high school friends, and I was in my mid-20s at this point. We’d been friends for over a decade. And they still said shit like that. (And I mean, in some way, I get it cos when we’d go out to non-gay spots I’d get picked up by men CONSTANTLY, and women never looked at me that way. It was super aggravating.)

Which, it turns out, was her way of saying “You’re competition and I don’t want you around.” (and she’s obsessed with stereotypes), cos when I started going to gay clubs and parties with other friends who weren’t douchebags about it, NOBODY judged me like that. And I remember meeting my wife for the first time and telling her that story and she was just like “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FRIENDS?! You do look super straight but I like you and I’m super gay”. And then she took me to a lesbian bar, and I didn’t change a thing about myself, and was picked up by all sorts of girls, and really hit it off with the cutest butch girl I’ve ever seen to this day. (It didn’t end up going anywhere but still, it was nice to learn that sometimes your friends are just insecure assholes.) It really is dependent on who they are, where you live, etc. etc. And those are only things you know. I can’t comment on what the best course of action is without knowing the nitty gritty.

SO, that’s a long way of saying, people suck. Even your friends sometimes. It’s going to be difficult for a while as you weed those sorts of people out of your life. Being an open lesbian is rocky, especially at first when everything is sorta all over the place. But it does settle down, and you make better friends. And since your parents are supportive that is a HUGE hurdle you don’t have to deal with, which is absolutely AMAZING :) It’s so nice to hear.

But if you’re not able to come out and get support IRL, that’s fine too. My advice is what you’ve already done :) Come online and reach out to older lesbians. They’re the ones with the experience. If it wasn’t for the older lesbians in my life (either online or IRL that I met, including my wife), I’d be so much more insecure. I would probably still be walking around feeling a lot of shame, embarrassment, anxiety, shyness, confusion, etc.

But there’s something comforting about talking with women who have lived the same struggles, and hear about all the paths they all took and the ways they’ve dealt with specific issues. And they’re generally more calm, more realistic, and more compassionate than other baby dykes who aren’t in a privileged, secure position yet. Not that there is anything wrong with bonding with others of the same age. That is also INCREDIBLY important because those experiences will directly reflect your own, and there’s built-in support with peers. The things older lesbians have been through may not translate as well for you. A lot of us didn’t have the same pressures of social media, etc. But we also didn’t have the same online resources available either. So, it’s an interesting balance. I will say my friendship with my best friends from university (one is a lesbian too, one is straight as an arrow but a huge ally) are just as important cos age is a factor.

You can get insight from older women, but you need peer bonds too.

Online I think is very important nowadays, especially when you’re not able to go to spaces like gay clubs and bars yet. And surround yourself with positive lesbian representation. If that whole soft cottagecore thing does it for you, keep that in your orbit. But also never be ashamed or fearful of the sexual part of your sexuality. Just like it’s natural to romantically love women, it’s natural for lesbians to physically love them too.

I feel like as toxic overall as tumblr is, there are corners of it that have been incredibly supportive and nurturing even to me. Especially lesbian positivity blogs and women’s arts, etc. Poetry written by lesbians is beautiful and inspiring to me. It’s a whole genre I had no idea existed, and that has given me a great deal of peace because I can finally relate to words. Music, written and performed by gay and bisexual women is the same. It may seem trivial or cheesy, but it’s powerful to hear about women like you in songs. I have to say Mary Lambert, for one example, helped so much. I remember listening to Alix Olson in secret too when I was much younger (maybe that should have been something of a hint to myself, lol.) King Princess and Girl In Red are current faves, Saara Aalto, Shura and Brandi Carlile are a constant faves I always love (not that I even knew that about Brandi’s sexuality til recently cos I apparently live under a fucking rock lol), but I have whole lists now and it’s wonderful to have taht access.

When you’re all alone, seeking out lesbian musicians and writers can make so much difference in easing that isolation, and confusion, and fear. They speak to you and about us, as a whole. It’s affirming and less lonely.

Same goes for well-written fanfiction. Things that avoid the drama of fandom (cos there’s so much drama even when you have canon f/f pairings), because fandom is really just microcosms of society at large with all the same morons in it. But fanfic was such an escape where I could learn and explore all the things that most everywhere wouldn’t show me. TV shows touched on it (especially back 10 years ago there was like nothing), but fanfic made it real.

Even when you’re feeling secure, I think it still helps to have all the representation we can, and just… you know, revel in it.

Do not watch porn. Don’t. It’s awful and horrible and not at all realistic. A well-written fanfic by actual gay or bi women is way more helpful. Avoid porn at all costs. It will never teach you anything your body doesn’t already know about how to be with a woman (although I’m sure for you this isn’t a pressing concern at the moment). I just know that I made the mistake of it, and also stupid ass magazine/how to articles. Ignore ALL that junk. When you get a girlfriend there’s only ONE thing you need to know how to do, and that is communicate honestly. Everything else falls easily into place.

When you say it’s so weird to talk about it, I feel that. It took me YEARS to even really be able to comfortably say the word, especially in relation to myself. That feeling will pass. It’ll take time and don’t push yourself into any sort of thing you’re not ready for. You’ll feel weird about it probably, and that’s on society, not you. “Lesbian” still does have a stigma attached to it that a lot of people are afraid of or dismissive of. Just… try your best to tune that out. That’s all you can do. You’ll feel comfortable eventually. :) Give it time. You’re already doing well. The fact you can say it to me, even as anon, is beautiful.

You’ll be very open one day if that’s what you want and being a lesbian, and being seen as one, will be second nature. I mean if I think about myself at 20 and now, there’s a very big difference. I used to shy away from so many things, and dress particular ways to avoid things, now I’m definitely not giving nearly as many fucks. Also, I’ll say here that I own a bar. It’s not a gay bar, but almost every day we’re open, at least one lesbian couple will come in. And honestly my heart grows so big and warm every single time. (Gay men come in too, ofc.) But there’s something particularly ecstatic in me that I get to see that everyday. (I don’t actually have many gay friends at all.) I love the openness and acceptance and comfort. And I love telling people there that I own it with my wife, and see people’s faces light up. (Some don’t… but, meh, that’s real life too. I’ve had a few shitty fucking people come in too.) There are a lot more lesbians and bi girls around than we probably know. :)

You are not alone. Even if it’s only talking to people online, you’re never alone.

And never get discouraged that other people seem to having an easier or better time at it. Everyone moves differently, and for some it is easier, some it’s way more difficult but that doesn’t mean you need to pressure yourself, or change. I took my way exceptionally slowly and awkwardly, but ya get there eventually if you surround yourself with genuine people.

It sounds cliche but it does get easier talking about yourself as a lesbian as long as you surround yourself with positive lesbian content/people, and it takes practice (sometimes a lot of it as I’ve learnt), especially dealing with internalized stuff. But you’ll get there. You’re still super young and you have so much ahead. :D

I don’t have specific personal advice about how to handle it all in high school cos I didn’t have to deal with that. Just that there’s a whole world outside high school, even though it may not feel that way sometimes. If you’re in a small town or in a country where it’s not accepted, you’ll have a harder time finding love but it is ALWAYS possible, somehow. Never feel like there is nobody at all. There is. There’s some cute, hot, smart, interesting girl somewhere that will be into you as much as you’re into her. It’s just a matter of time til you find each other. If nothing else, in the mean time, you can form friendships and bond with people online in various ways.

I wish somebody had told me in my teen years that it’s possible to be in love with a woman, that I’m going to kiss girls one day and suddenly everything else is going to make sense and feel right after so long of things not quite fitting together, that it’s just as possible to be fulfilled with a woman as it is with a man. I wish someone would have told me I’d be loved by a woman in ways that nothing else would ever match. That I’d touch women and feel at peace with myself, and being intimate with them will change my whole life, and it’s something I was meant to do and feel. That loving women will help me love myself in a way that I never realised, and that just goes back and forth forever cos if you love yourself, loving other people is so much easier. And not to fight that cos I’m too scared to face the not so nice parts about being out. Bad shit is gonna happen no matter what, but better stuff will make up for it. I wish someone had told me that “lesbian” isn’t a bad word (I grew up with a lot of homophobia everywhere, including my family), and that I will cringe when people call me that initially but that should force myself to use it at first, cos it’ll get way better and feel right the sooner that happens. It is what I am, and I can’t avoid it forever. Own it. Cos as soon as you do, the sooner they can’t use it against you the same way anymore. But nobody said any of that to me.

And never, ever let anybody ever guilt, shame, manipulate, or pressure you into anything you don’t feel is right for you or your body. You’ll feel it deep down what you want and need, and what you don’t want and don’t need. Don’t ignore that. Don’t let anybody talk, guilt, scare, or shame you out of that. It may be hard but you already seem very strong and self-aware.

You’re not thinking wrong, you’re not made wrong. There’s a lot of that around in our society and lesbophobia is very alive still, everywhere.

You don’t need to find the “right man”. Ever. There’s no perfect high school boyfriend waiting for you if you’re a lesbian. There’s a girlfriend waiting for you. More than one, probably! You’ll love many women throughout your life and they’ll return it back to you. You’ll have friends that love you and support you. And when you say, “I’m a lesbian” it’ll roll off your tongue as easily as your name. Or your wife’s name. :) And you won’t feel any twinges of awkwardness or shame.

I wish you nothing but love and kindness, anon. Xx

And, also, anybody can ask me anything, btw. I generally really fucking suck with advice but my askbox is always here, if anybody needs it.

#Anonymous #baby lesbians are my fav precious beans and i am here for you 100000%#tho i am hardly an expert tbh. just an idiot finding her way through it all too.#long post

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the-far-bright-center · 6 years

Text

eventually, even stars burn out

“Sometimes there are things no one can fix.”

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve become increasingly concerned that my days in the SW fandom (or at least, the tumblr side of it) may be numbered.

I very much hope I’m wrong about this. So, on the slight chance that it might help somehow, I’ll try to explain why I feel this way right now.

As most of you know, I have an extremely fraught and complicated relationship with Disney’s so-called ‘new canon’ material, which all began when TFA left me so heartbroken that I’ve been unable to trust anyone at all with Star Wars ever since. I struggle to believe that the Skywalker saga will ever be treated with the adequate respect and care that it requires, and I fear that new material will only attempt to further erode its original mythic meaning....just so the ‘story’ can be continued on indefinitely. It is therefore difficult if not impossible for me to be excited about ‘new canon’ content, because ever since TFA I view every single piece of SW media released by Disney with (imo warranted) mistrust and skepticism.

After a certain SW animated series ended earlier this year, I had thought I would finally be free from the strain of constantly worrying about ‘new’ content. My blacklists covered most of the major things I didn’t want to see, and tumblr’s filter feature seemed to take care of the rest. It still took some careful navigating not to run into sequels-related crap and other random shit, but it was not impossible. I’d breathed a sigh of relief, and carried on minding my own business, living in my SW happy place where the things that distressed me didn’t exist.

But then some news broke, and suddenly, my hard-won calm was shattered. It felt like someone had kicked the heart right out of me. My carefully constructed safe space felt safe no longer. I’d thought the PT and TCW era would be safe from Disney, at least for a while. But I was wrong. It was like all the faint hope I had left for my ability to withstand the current Disney!SW onslaught fled from me in a single instant, and have been in a state of anxiety, depression, and despair ever since.

I’ve been so scared, because the last time I felt this despondent was after TFA, when I honestly thought I would never feel anything warm and light and beautiful about Star Wars ever again. And it ended up taking me YEARS to move beyond that, and to reclaim my feels and to get into the headspace I needed to be in to truly enjoy it again.

And I just... don’t know if I have that kind of energy anymore. The last three years have taken a huge toll (in RL I mean, not just in fandom). On top of my seemingly never-ending mental health struggles, I’ve had some physical ailments that went un-diagnosed for a long time and for which I’m only just starting to receive treatment. I’m always tired, mentally, physically, and emotionally. All of this makes the prospect of going through that same process all over again seem daunting, if not completely impossible.

Because back then, after TFA, when I felt that I’d ‘lost’ the Original Trilogy, I still had other places to turn. I was able to go back in time, and re-ignite my passion for SW again by re-watching the PT and TCW. But now? will those be taken from me too? have they already? is too late ?

(Have I just been delaying the inevitable, all this time?)

Horrible thoughts like this keep coming into my mind. Despite this, I haven’t given up totally...not yet. I’m still hanging on, or at least ...trying to. But in the midst of all this, I’ve been attempting to figure out what exactly is going on here. Why do these things upset me so badly that it causes me such intense emotional reactions? To the point that I can hardly converse with friends online anymore, without fear what they will say? To the point that I can’t even talk to my (very supportive) husband about Star Wars anymore without freaking out about spoilers?? To the point that I even end up feeling suicidal at times? Why does it feel like my whole world is collapsing?

Maybe it’s as simple as the fact that, when I was growing up, ‘Star Wars’ was always, from as long as I can remember, something that was ‘finished’. Complete. It was over. And its completeness was a source of comfort to me from the start. Here was a story that contained darkness and struggle, but which had an ending. And an uplifting, mythic, and spiritual one, at that. And even later, when I was a teen and in my early 20s during the release of the Prequels, it was still something that had an end in sight. From the beginning of the PT, we knew that once those three episodes were over, the saga would be complete.

And that’s just the thing. With Disney’s Star Wars, there is no end in sight. It is something that, for all intents and purposes, could be dragged on indefinitely. And that thought is terrifying enough to make me start feeling panicky all over again. Years and years of feeling like this, all the time?? Dear Force, make it stop. D:

It’s becoming clear to me that it’s not just about one particular piece of media that I want to avoid. It’s not just the fact that something so close to my heart has at times been treated disrespectfully or even threatened with annihilation, and that I’ve felt helpless to prevent it. It’s not about my various and sundry issues with Disney’s version of SW. It’s not even that I believe that all of Disney’s SW output is inherently ‘bad’ or bound to be terrible just because it’s under the brand of Disney. I mean, I’ve been willing and able to ignore the aspects of ‘new canon’ that I loathe, and pick and choose from the bits that I do enjoy (which are few and far between, but do, occasionally, still exist). And law of averages would suggest there would have to be some decent or even, gasp, quality content at times (see: Rogue One, for instance).

So what, then, is *really* causing me so much pain and anguish on an almost daily basis? What is making my continued attempts to be part of the ‘fandom’ feel so incredibly futile?? It’s not the additions to canon themselves, but rather the frequency and sheer number of them, along with the fandom reception of these potentially infinite ‘additions’ that are causing me so much turmoil.

In the years since TFA, I’ve attempted to deal with this by viewing Disney’s ‘new canon’ as just another version of an Expanded Universe—in other words, as something optional that is not required in order to understand and appreciate the original, and that only needs to ‘exist’ in my mind and as a part of my headcanon if I wish it to. So, despite how much some of this material hurts me on a personal level, and despite the fact that the sheer amount of it makes it difficult to navigate around, up til now I’ve been able to continue as at least a semi-functional SW fan in its wake.

But lately, I’m beginning to be concerned that this method is not an adequate way of dealing with this. Because, even though *I’m* perfectly capable of ignoring the ‘new canon’ material that I don’t want to see, my need to ignore it makes it almost impossible for me to interact with 99% of the rest of the fandom.

And without interaction, a major component of fandom itself is missing. And it’s that sense of isolation and alienation that is killing me.

While tumblr as a platform has changed the face of online fandom for many (and made it unrecognizable to me in so many ways), I am still very old school in that I believe that the main purpose of fandom is to a) enjoy what we love to the nth degree, b) share what we love with each other, and c) through discussion about our shared fictional passions, create transformative fanworks, such as fanfiction, fan art, edits, fan vids, metas, etc.

This may seem like I’m stating the obvious, but unfortunately for a vast majority on tumblr, “fandom” has become less about the above, and far moreso about keeping up with actors’ and creators’ social media accounts, using fiction as a platform for ‘performative’ social justice in which people show off how ‘woke’ they are, and, worst of all (for me), constantly fixating on announcements, trailers, and news about ‘the next big thing’. It seems like, for many fans, speculation about upcoming releases is more important than enjoying the content that already exists. It’s what they LIVE for. And the minute those new pieces of media appear, everything else that came before is just... forgotten, or cast aside, in favour of it. This leaves me feeling like I’ve been left in the dust. Because, for me, the mere idea of ‘the next big thing’ fills me with nothing but extreme anxiety, depression, panic, as though I have a giant black hole in the pit of of my stomach. I live in utter DREAD of SW news. So my ability to relate to other fans and to interact with them on any meaningful level has greatly diminished due to this factor alone.

In a smaller fandom, where announcements maybe happen once or twice a year at most, I can often weather it. For example, several years ago, I left a fandom for a certain popular tv series, but remained semi-active just for the sake of one particular ship from it that I still loved. I was able to avoid most news and spoilers because it was just one show with one season per year, and that was it. But with SW in its current form, with Disney’s need to pump out new content on what seems like an almost weekly or even daily basis, it’s becoming too much for me to bear.

As I said in a previous post,

“.....one of my many problems with Disney’s current treatment of Star Wars is that there is such a thing as ‘too much canon’. In the days of the EU, it didn’t matter how much of that was released, because any and all of it could be dismissed at a given time, because it was never official canon. But nowadays, EVERY DAMN THING has a film, book, show, comic series, animated short, video game, etc. about it. And this actually angers and distresses me, because it begins to leave less and less room for headcanons and for fans’ imaginations to run free. When there is SO much ‘official’ canon that it covers all the backstories and little ‘in between moments’, where is the freedom for writing fic and just…imagining things? Star Wars is not Marvel-verse, and should not be treated as such. Not all canon is (or even SHOULD BE) considered ‘equal’, and this is something that, in pre-Disney times, was understood and respected. The main saga films were canon. That was it. The rest of it fell into various gradations of ‘sub’-canon. And imo, that is how it should, ideally, still be.”

To have constant ‘additions’ to a canon that is as long-established as Star Wars feels completely disingenuous to me. So each time something new is announced, it feels like a breaking of the fourth wall. A chipping away at my ability to continue *believing* in Star Wars. It feels like someone keeps bursting into a completed story to try to mansplain it to me, saying, ‘ha, just kidding!! it’s been 30 years, 20 years, 10 years, 5 years (etc) that you’ve loved this and believed in this, but ACTUALLY the story is not REALLY over! look over here, we want to make money off you so we’re pretending the story is continuing even though it’s fake and forced!! haha!!!’

Most of my Star Wars ‘feels’ are predicated upon a very simple premise, and that is the fact that the Skywalker saga (aka the PT and OT), AS IT EXISTS IN ITS ORIGINAL STATE, is the story of Anakin Skywalker, and that it is a complete and coherent myth, and an ultimately uplifting and redemptive tale. Everything I love about Star Wars comes back to Anakin Skywalker, his cosmic role as the Chosen One, and his eventual redemption. The fact that he, through the power of his son’s unconditional love, returns to his True Self, breaks free of his chains and sacrifices himself for his loved one, setting himself and the galaxy free. Everything depends on it, and revolves around it. My love of Anakin and Padme, my love of Obi-Wan and Anakin. My love of Snips and Skyguy, my love of Luke and Vader. My love of the Skywalker family, and their entire PT and OT storyline. And of course, my love of Anakin himself.

And what is more, all of the above is likewise dependent on the fact that the OT generations’ tale is an unequivocally heroic one, and that its heroism is complete and lasting, on both familial and galactic scale. It is not something left unfinished for the subsequent generation(s) to ‘complete’. The original saga as *I* know it does not require the ‘next generation’ in order to make it truly heroic. As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, the tragedy of the Prequels is completely redeemed by the end of Return of the Jedi. It is NOT carried forward as some kind of ‘curse’ onto the next generation. The Skywalkers are representative of the state of the galaxy, and, through Anakin and Luke’s story in the OT, both they and the galaxy itself are reconciled and made whole again once and for all. That is the entire point of the Chosen One prophecy, and of the metaphysical, galaxy-freeing role that redemptive love plays in the (original) Skywalker saga. If that seems ‘unrealistic’ to contemporary audiences, well, you know what?? Too freaking bad!! Star Wars is not supposed to be ‘realistic’, it’s supposed to be a MYTH.

Take that away, and there IS no Star Wars for me.

And yet, that is exactly what TFA attempted to do. It attempted destroy this basic long-held truth, and with it my ability to love and feel even anything remotely positive about Star Wars, its story, and its characters. And so it is understandable, I would hope, that ever since then I would greet new ‘additions’ to the original canon with extreme mistrust, skepticism, and even outright despair.

But despite my (imo) perfectly legitimate and justifiable reasons for feeling this way, I still realize that having such, erm, extreme reactions to even the mere prospect of new or additional content is not ‘normal’. ‘Normal’ fans are happy when they get new ‘canonical’ content right?? Unfortunately, I am not and will likely never be able to be a ‘normal’ fan in this way. When it comes to Star Wars, I will never be able to feel even the remotest bit of excitement for any such new canon content. (Which, in this case, more often than not simply means ‘officially sanctioned by a giant corporation, created under a set of confusing, disjointed, and entirely arbitrary standards, and deemed permissible for you to consume and ‘believe in’ as a real version of characters and events’, but I digress...).

Everything I love and understand about Star Wars existed before Disney ‘did’ anything to it, and everything that I still value about Star Wars to this day is likewise not dependent on whatever Disney might try do to it in the present or future. But even though I know this on an intellectual level, whenever there is new content coming out, it nonetheless still feels like a mortal threat, looming on the horizon. It feels like it’s going to try to take away everything I love all over again. And I fall into despair because I honestly lack the strength to fight it.

(Or at least, I lack the strength to fight it alone.)

And so unfortunately, from my perspective (even though I know that of course people don’t intend it to come across this way), when other fans get so excited about the new stuff, and when it seems like they so readily just accept it without question, it ends up leaving me feeling as though I’ve been left behind. As though what *I* love is, in their eyes, not enough. That somehow, the original Skywalker saga is not enough. That loving Lucas-era canon, but not Disney’s, is just me limiting myself or ‘missing out’ somehow. Whereas, from my perspective, the original material IS ‘enough’. It feels complete. It IS complete. Believing it’s not complete seems to me to be exactly what Disney wants people to think, so they can justify all of their never-ending additions, re-writes, retcons, and continuations.

And thus every time Disney churns out more content, and I see people around me acting like this content is not just a fun (and entirely optional) addition, but is rather something essential that all fans ‘deserve’ and need (despite having been perfectly fine without it for years, if not decades), just makes me feel even more alienated than I already do. Again, it’s not merely the existence of the constant stream of ‘new’ content that is killing me, but rather the fact that this content is greeted with elation by what seems to be the majority of fans these days. Yeah I know this makes me sound like I’m just resentful and bitter that other people are happy. Please know I don’t begrudge others’ happiness. Rather, I’m just struggling with the fact that while others are excited, I cannot be, thus leading me to feel isolated and left out.

But since the last thing I want is to rain on anyone’s parade, I try to be sensitive to this. Other than my various early anti-TFA rants (which I got out of my system years ago), for the most part (with the occasional exception), I’ve been keeping mum on these matters. But more often than not, in order not to be a source of negativity to others, I just end up hiding away, not talking to anyone, retreating further and further within myself to the point that I wonder what I’m even doing here anymore.

The level of pain and anxiety and stress that all of this—from the constant stream of new content, to fans’ reception of it, to my own desperate attempts to avoid and ignore it—causes me cannot be adequately summed up in just a few words. I struggle to convey how I feel to most people because I honestly don’t know how to explain it. I feel ridiculous for even writing it down. It sounds so silly when I type it out, even though in my heart and mind, this is a very real and debilitating issue. Every time something new is announced, I become sick to my stomach, I can’t eat or sleep, I have intrusive, racing thoughts, and I feel that I have to hide out for days, weeks, or even months. I have to limit who I can talk to, and WHAT subjects I can talk to them about. And each time, it begins to feel more and more futile to even bother trying to avoid everything. Like trying to swim upstream, or to remain upright in a tidal wave. It is a constant onslaught, and I’m not sure how much longer I can weather it.

(Yes, there are some underlying mental health issues going on here that no doubt contribute to things on some level. However, it’s a complicated situation, because for many years I have been turning to fandom as a sort of therapy for myself. My most beloved fictional universes, characters, relationships, and stories are a safe-space for me, a refuge I can retreat into when my existence becomes unbearable. A coping mechanism. I don’t use that term lightly either... some days, it literally keeps me alive. And so when that coping mechanism feels like it’s being ripped away, my downward spiral into the abyss is terrifyingly swift indeed. But this is an extremely personal matter, which I won’t go into any further here, because I don’t want to diminish the topic at hand, which is a legitimate and very real struggle of mine, and is something that affects me regardless of the state of my mental health at a given time.)

Just to be clear, I’m not trying to worry anyone. I’m not planning on going anywhere just yet, and hopefully not for a while. This blog is too important to me. The people I’ve met here are too important to me. Star Wars, such as it exists in my heart, is too important to me. Despite the fact that I’m struggling emotionally, and despite the fact that it’s increasingly difficult for me to find content for this blog, I have been determined not to abandon it, and have made sure that I have a queue ready for the days when I don’t feel up to posting.

That being said, I do feel the need to be honest here about just how much of a struggle it has been to hold on, and just how alienated I have felt from so much of what is considered the normal fandom experience. And to express my anguish and despair over the fact that I can never, ever be innocently excited about new content being released in this Disney era. Doesn’t matter what it is, or who makes it. Ever since TFA, I am simply unable to ever feel happy that it even exists in same world that I inhabit. And this makes me fear for my longevity in a fandom that seems to thrive on the very thing that I abhor most and that fills me with constant dread.

While I’m uncertain these days as to whether ‘happiness’ is even possible for me in this physical existence, I do feel that my fandom experience ought to be, at the very least, a source of comfort. But as more and more of my SW safe-spaces are eroded, as more and more words must be blacklisted, as more and more tags become ‘off limits’ to me, I have fewer and fewer corners of this fandom to which I can turn.

I wish things were not like this. I wish *I* were not like this. It would be so much easier if I could just be happy like everyone else. But sadly, it seems that when it comes to being able to participate in and enjoy SW fandom in its current form, something in me is fundamentally, irreparably, broken.

What I hope to accomplish by writing and posting this, I’m not entirely sure. Obviously, I am not trying to make anyone feel bad for enjoying what they enjoy. Nor am I even seeking ‘validation’ on this matter. Because, while there are no doubt others out there who feel similarly (and *big hugs* to them if they do), I am not actually looking for commiseration or to ‘wallow’ in misery at this time. For some reason that just makes things a hundred times worse. Because...I’m still trying to hold out hope that even someone as damaged as myself can nonetheless continue to love Star Wars and even be part of an active online community.

So for now, I just needed to get this off my chest in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, by doing so, I can find a way back from this.

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gundampilot · 6 years

Photo

Inspired by @dialup2002 to post some more old stuff. :) This is a desktop screenshot I posted on my DevART account January 2005. Kicking it with Windows XP, but I loved/preferred the classic style that I was accustom to (95-98-ME). I made the wallpaper used, but I’m having trouble finding a copy of it. I’ll prob try to remake it in non-1024x768 resolution lmao. Not sure if this is from 2005. It might have been from 2004, but I hadn’t posted it yet. I did that a lot. Some fun notes about some of the software icons pictured (lots of info):

Firefox - THE FIRST BROWSER TO DO TABS OMG. I was a huge advocate for Firefox, especially in its initial releases. They were doing things on the internet nobody had really seen up to that point, and made it popular! Since I had so many issues (as most people do) with Internet Explorer, I was shopping around for a new browser at the time of this shot. Google Chrome didn’t exist yet. (Can you imagine??)

IE - As stated above, I disliked IE. It was kept for various reasons, however. Such as testing website layouts, since the mass-majority of people used it and things looked different in browsers when you were coding.

Opera - While giving Firefox a try, I also managed to snag a very, very early copy of Opera. I’ve always been the type of person that loved to try out new stuff as early as possible, and this was a very special piece of software that I wanted to give a go. The reason that it was special? You had to send away for a CD for it. That’s right, kids. They snail-mail’ed me a CD because it was considered “commercial software.” I paid to get that browser lmfao. I was super super hyped later in 2005, because it became “freeware” and I was able to more-easily push my friends to try it out. The devs were (and still are) seriously awesome. This is why I still use Opera as my main browser today! Ya’ll should try it if you aren’t already! You can even use your most-beloved Chrome extensions on it. :)

Soulseek & WinMX - Holy crap, you guys! lmao Is anyone here old enough to remember these programs?? XD This was basically where most people went after Napster bit the dust. This was when we were all scrambling, trying to find a new P2P sharing program. This was right in-between the eMule/Donkey phase and before the Limewire/KaZaA fiascos where people’s computers were being overloaded with viruses from companies trying to stop pirating. Ahh, the wild, wild west... Days were so exciting when you spent hours downloading something that could potentially ruin your computer lmao

WS_FTP - Still one of my favorite FTP programs for Windows! Works like a charm! These days I use Transmit 5 for Mac, but this was my first program ever for file transfer protocol. It’s basically a tool for uploading files to my website’s server, because back when I first registered it, there was no web uploader for that kinda stuff. Now I stick with that because it’s easier and I’m used to it lol

Veo Digital Studio - Used to use this for my webcam back before webcams were built into laptops, and before they were common enough to have amazing freeware available for them. (Also this is hilarious.) The quality was horrible, but I was hella excited to take pictures and share them with friends and on my blog at the time. From what I remember, there was something I used after this that was some type of South Korean selca software. Haduri? Something like that. It was really cute and even let you do little animations. :)

Animation Shop - Okay. So... from what I remember, this might have been owned by the people that made Paint Shop Pro? I think it was Corel. I honestly don’t remember where I got this from, but this is what I used to use to make animated gifs (because Photoshop just....didn’t for some reason? I had to use PSP at some point, I remember that. I just don’t remember why lmao. It might have been my copy didn’t allow it, or my computer was just too shit to run it good enough, or just stopped working because....Windows).

Adobe Photoshop 5.0 - I originally got this rip from a friend of mine, whose dad got a CD from his company that he worked at. It was an official/real license, which was really awesome! I think this was the first version of Photoshop I ever owned (!!), which is pretty amazing to think about about! I had that CD copy for a few years. I initially was gifted a copy of the CD around 2001-2002 or so. I know for a fact I had newer versions (7.0 was legend before CS suite came around), so I’m not sure why I was using this one at this point lmao. My guess is, like mentioned above, something happened with my computer and I didn’t want to format it and reinstall everything lol or because it was the fastest version I had installed to boot up and do a quick photo edit.

Adobe Photoshop 7.0 - I do remember this took a long time to start up. I can only imagine this was like a bad pirated copy or something, or was so bloated with new stuff in it, and that’s why I kept 5.0 for a quick boot. I know I used this majority of the time, though. Most of my backups for brushes and fonts are from backups that include 7.0 as a zip. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ My computer wasn’t the most powerful at the time, despite what I pushed it to do, so this is prob why. But hell yeah! Photoshop represent! lol I still use it today, and its still one of the first things I install on a fresh OS install. Enjoying CC 2017 these days.

Nero Start Smart - I was so excited to make mix CDs and share them! Back in the day before you had stuff like playlists that were sharable on YouTube/Spotify, etc, you had this to share music. Or play in your car. Or CD walkman. Nero was a software you could burn your CD-Rs and make your own laser-etched album art! I begged for years to get a CD burner lmao. Back when casette tapes were still around enough that my parents were like “but why???” lmao. They were not common back in the day like they became over time, just, like, included on your computer. Back then you had to buy one and install it into your computer tower yourself! I got mine I believe.....in 2001? It was the year after the Playstation 2 was released. The first one I got was just a very standard burner. Did a very specific type of CD burning at a low (slow af) speed. It was $700 lmfao. Let that sink in for a minute because my parents didn’t let me forget about it for the next four years lmfao. I saved up birthday and Christmas money and went halves on it. Then I upgraded to the one that this one was! c: Which did the laser etching, and DVD burning! (And you better believe I was burning DVDs of stuff I was downloading online lmfao this was the golden age of the internet where everything was just available everywhere as long as you had the patience to download that shit, because it took forever to download)

Volume Control - My dad and I messed with the wires on all of these random computer speakers and stereo speakers that we had collected over the years and hotwired our own version of a 5.0 surround sound in the room, which was mounted to the ceiling corners and above the computer station. It was lit. I needed Volume Control easily accessible because sometimes the speakers needed redirecting, or I needed to turn the beats down because my mother was tired of my fifth time playing the Gundam Wing OSTs and Miyavi. (It was metal, okay???)

Windows Media Player - I did not use this to listen to media. Let me reiterate that. I did not use it to listen to media on. lol this was specifically used to rip tracks from CDs that friends lent me, because it was the easiest software I was able to use to change the KBPs for quality control and the ID3 tags so I could save it and organize it for use in Winamp and know wtf I was listening to lol. Nobody used WMP for listening to music.... xD

Winamp - The best music player. Period. Still. Nothing beats it. Pls, pls, Nullsoft! Come back and make a native version for MacOS. :’(((( I would buy it! Doesn’t even have to have new features or look different. Classic look, pls pls!

Media Player Classic - Do people still use it??? This player was amazing! Paired with k-lite codec pack, it played everything. It was like VLC before VLC. And it looked good. Clean. Small. Could be installed anywhere which was nice. And the codec packs just made everything look and run fantastic!

Recycle Bin - .... Trash XD

Magnifier - This was for my dad because he had bad eyes and couldn’t remember CTRL +/-/0 to increase the text on pages that he wanted to read.

My Documents - Where I saved all the stuff I downloaded. Not the real My Docs. Just a folder that I named as such, with a custom icon. I don’t know why I wanted it there lol. I think to just have a uniform square on my desktop haha

Journal - I renamed this. I forget the original name of the client, but it was the official client of LJ. It was basically a program that let you write up posts for Livejournal and you could format things, draft them, etc, and post without uploading to your journal/blog. I liked it because sometimes I couldn’t post right away, and it made making drafts a lot easier for me to go back and edit. It also let you edit past posts, which was really convenient instead of looking for it on the web version one post at a time.

AIM+ - I loved AOL Instant Messenger, but over time the ads became too much. I invested a lot of time in 3rd party clients. I was constantly switching between AIM+, Adium, DeadAIM, Pigeon, Trillion, etc. Depended on what I wanted to do that day. Want to clone a SN? Want to skin the colors of the chats? Need transparency? Want to customize your lists? Want to log into more than one msg system at once? They all had their strengths. This was my msg service of choice. Back in the day you were either on this, MSN, or Yahoo!. Some people rocked ICQ and there were a few others, but these were the most common from who I knew/hung out with. I miss those days. <3

You can see WinMX running in the taskbar lmfao so I was prob downloading something at the time of snagging this quick shot. I also had DevART open (prob because I was gonna share this on there). I really wish I had more programs open at the time of this! XD It’s wild to look back at some of the software changes over the years!

Anyway, that’s one of my oldest screenshots that I can find that I’m able to share right now. :) I’m going to be posting a remake of that wallpaper that I did later today for those of you that want that, too.

If you read this far, thank you!! Hope you had fun reading about old stuff!

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easyfoodnetwork · 4 years

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Eric Rivera Is Playing the Game

Selling pantry items, like spices, has helped keep Addo afloat.

Despite everything, the Seattle chef has found a way to successfully run his restaurant Addo — and he has some advice for the rest of the industry

Eric Rivera does not run a traditional kitchen. At his Seattle restaurant, Addo, the menu, cuisine, and concept change constantly. So when Seattle restaurants began to close in an effort to stop the spread of COVID-19, Rivera was already ahead of the game.

Rivera was 4,000 miles away giving a culinary tour in Puerto Rico when Washington Gov. Jay Inslee declared a state of emergency due to rising COVID-19 cases. In between staging meals and teaching his guests about the island’s culinary history, he set up his phone as a hotspot and began emailing clients and staff to rearrange the coming weeks of planned dining events and promotions, determining which could be salvaged as takeout and which needed to be completely restructured or worse, canceled.

On March 11, Rivera returned to Seattle and a calendar with reservations booked well into the next year. Addo used the Tock app for dinner reservations, but soon began using it to schedule carryout instead. Addo’s lunch catering, which amounted to about 30 percent of his business, was no longer feasible since all the high-end tech offices in the area closed, so Rivera began to make easy-to-reheat take-home meals to accommodate those newly working from home. He made and sold pantry items, like CSA boxes, yeast kits, and fresh-made pasta. He even hired his own delivery drivers to avoid working with gig-economy food delivery apps, which he believes take too much from both restaurants and drivers.

Adjusting to changes at the drop of a hat is common in most kitchens, but it’s something Rivera was used to well before he started working in restaurants. In the late aughts, Rivera ran his own mortgage insurance and financial services business when the Great Recession hit. He was an early success by most American standards, running his own offices in Washington, Oregon, and Idaho. “There’s this game-of-life kind of thing — you’re raised to believe that you need the nice house with the picket fence, the car. Checkmark, checkmark, checkmark. I had that when I was 24.”

Rivera recalls being at Costco picking up office supplies in 2008 when he got a call from an employee; they wanted him back in the office immediately. Rivera was surprised by the urgency. “No man, leave that shit there. We’re done,” his employee said.

“What? What do you mean?”

“We’re done. Everything’s closed, all the lines of credit. Everything’s done.”

Rivera felt he had to “learn to play the game.”

Rivera’s customers vanished almost immediately, and his business dwindled. He was forced to shift primarily to insurance. He was depressed. To save some money, he started cooking all of his meals at home and blogging about his successes and failures in the kitchen, mostly posting pictures of his process. He quickly amassed a bit of an audience and built a dialogue with some of the followers who were curious about the recipes he shared. “So then it became like more of a serious infatuation that I started to have,” he says. “It’s sort of what started to get me out of that spot.” Motivated by how quickly his skills had developed, he began to consider a career in food, and in 2010 he attended culinary school at the Art Institute in Seattle.

Acclimating to unfamiliar surroundings was nothing new to Rivera. His father was in the military for 30 years, and, as is common with that profession, the family moved around a lot. In order to build a bit of stability, when Rivera was 7 his parents chose to settle in Olympia, Washington — just over 60 miles south of Seattle — for a few years, and his grandparents left Puerto Rico for the Pacific Northwest to help with the kids. Growing up in Olympia, which was 82.5 percent white in the most recent census and more than 90 percent white in 1990, was challenging for Rivera’s Puerto Rican family. Fellow transplants to the Cascade region will tell you about the Seattle Freeze — if they haven’t already adopted it themselves. “In Seattle, in Washington, being passive aggressive, it’s an art form here,” Rivera says. “However, in my culture, if you have a fucking problem with somebody, you tell them in two seconds. You tell them to go fuck themselves. It’s over, it’s done with.” Rivera remembers the move to Washington as an uncomfortable transition. He recalls going to school and quickly realizing he and his family stood out from his predominately white classmates.

Rivera felt he had to “learn to play the game,” as he puts it. Beyond the regular curriculum of a student, he remembers playing the part of a young anthropologist, trying to learn about his peers’ preferred music, movies, food, and anything else that would allow him to fit in. “My grandpa would sit me in front of the TV and be like, ‘Sound like them, not like us!’ Meaning get rid of the accent, learn their shit.” However, while adapting to his surroundings, Rivera learned to embrace his own culture more fully. His grandfather taught him to cook at an early age. It wasn’t always easy to get the right ingredients, but he still managed to make Puerto Rican food, even in Olympia. When his grandparents eventually moved back to Puerto Rico, Rivera spent summers on the island and learned to move between the two worlds.

Rivera is selling rice, beans, and other Puero Rican pantry staples online.

The Addo space has transformed from restaurant to storage facility.

After culinary school, Rivera started working in restaurants, spending three years in Chicago as the director of culinary research operations with the Alinea Group. Early on, he began to see cracks in the way the industry was run. After an injury, Rivera was forced out of the kitchen and went without pay for months; again and again, he had to fight for meager raises. “The games you have to play are bullshit,” he says. “You have to go to the kitchens and stage for free. Dude, people that are younger and that come from different cultures and backgrounds can’t afford that — are you kidding me?”

After seven years in the industry, Rivera was ready to do his own thing, on his own terms. In the summer of 2017, he started running a chef’s table out of his Seattle apartment. He was unsure if diners would be interested in such a stripped-down eating experience, in which Rivera covered all aspects of service, but he was confident in himself. At the same time, he was running pop-ups out of any space he could get in town, cooking on panini grills in the back of coffee shops if need be. The hustle and desire to expand eventually led him to seek out his own space in the Ballard neighborhood of Seattle. He called it Addo.

Addo was an unconventional restaurant from the start. Although the chef’s table still existed in the new space, and you could still reserve space for a birthday party as you would at a more traditional restaurant, Addo relied on themed dinners booked months in advance. The menu changed based on current events, trends, and whatever popped into his head: He served a Pacific Northwest meal based on the grade-school computer game The Oregon Trail and multi-course dinners themed around Harry Potter. In an Instagram Live interview with Tom Colicchio in June, he described his process: “It’s truly head on a swivel. There were nights when we were a dine-in restaurant that we were doing three to five things a night because we had to. Here’s steak night, here’s a 20-course tasting menu, here’s Puerto Rican food, here’s a pasta thing we’re doing and there’s another thing.”

Puerto Rican food became a more significant part of Rivera’s professional life when, months after launching Addo, he expanded with Lechoncito, a side business that specializes in perfectly crispy and moist lechon, chicharron de pollo, and the famous jibarito inspired by his time in Chicago. Like Addo, Lechoncito also started as a pop-up, with a brief stint inside a whiskey distillery, but now Lechoncito food is sold through Addo a few times a month.

Although Rivera has mulled over the idea of making Puerto Rican food his primary focus, he appreciates that by having it as just one of the things he does, he’s not beholden to fickle food trends that could celebrate the cuisine one day and forget it the next. “[Puerto Rican cuisine] doesn’t stand out, because it’s just me talking about it or yelling about it, telling people how cool it is. That can only go so far,” he says. “There’s not enough people representing it or [who] know what they’re talking about ... thats why I have to be this fucking guy, that has to operate at this really high level to get that badge that says, ‘He knows what he’s talking about, he’s worked at a place with three Michelin stars.’”

Still, there’s a loyal clientele for Lechoncito. On a recent Sunday, Rivera greeted regulars and fawned over their dogs as they arrived to pick up orders of a sold-out whole-roasted pig, big-as-your-head chicharrones, and arroz con garbanzos. And since mid-July, Puerto Rican food has become an even bigger business for Rivera.

On July 9, at a roundtable for Hispanic business leaders, Goya CEO Robert Unanue praised President Donald Trump, quickly leading many, including Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, to call for a Goya boycott. Rivera saw an opportunity.

Rivera has a knack for social media, which he uses to create content for events, speak out about problems in the restaurant industry, or just post pictures of delicious food and cute dogs. As the Goya news and the hashtag #GoyaBoycott spread, he tweeted about his ability to ship pantry staples like sofrito, sazon, and adobo across the United States. Within hours, these tweets had been retweeted thousands of times, and Rivera made around 1,000 sales in the days following. These days, Addo resembles a warehouse space, with Rivera and a couple staff packing up spices, dry goods, and even house plants while Bad Bunny plays and the Puerto Rican flag hangs visibly from the front door. Online, Rivera jokingly calls himself “Amazing Primo,” a play on Amazon Prime.

“We’re punching above our weight class now,” Rivera says of Addo’s pandemic operation.

Despite the struggles restaurants across the country are facing as they adjust to pandemic restrictions, Addo is busy. Rivera credits his staff, who went from cooking and serving to packing boxes and printing shipping labels, for Addo’s survival. “Is it what I want to be doing? Absolutely not. But I don’t think you have a choice sometimes, and I’m just really grateful we have an option to keep this going ... if anyone was set up to be able to be pivoted, it was us,” says Ingrid Lyublinsky, Addo’s director of operations. “We’ve been doing it since the get-go.”

Addo chef John McGoldrick likens the constantly changing circumstances to the animated show Rick and Morty: “We’re just like a bunch of Mortys and chef Eric is Rick, sending us down a new portal every day.”

Although operating as a makeshift bodega may not be ideal for every kitchen, Rivera believes this is where restaurants are headed if they want to compete as major changes in the industry loom. He has even offered free Zoom classes to chefs about how to widen the scope of their restaurants, including tips on social media and running their own delivery or shipping. “We have less than seven employees, but we’re punching above our weight class right now with scaling things out and being more accessible to more people,” he says.

Rivera has grown increasingly frustrated by the response to the pandemic from many industry leaders. He believes big names and owners of chain restaurants will bounce back, leaving many smaller restaurants behind, as well as restaurant staff and BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and people of color), who will have to find new avenues of work or face deepening pay discrepancies. “There are people who are getting stimulus, getting enhanced unemployment, but you have undocumented workers who aren’t getting anything,” he says. “And they’re being pushed back into the fire immediately without any help.”

On Twitter, Rivera has called out well-known Seattle restaurateurs like Tom Douglas and Ethan Stowell, who shut down restaurants permanently and laid off hundreds of staff. More recently, Rivera criticized pushes to open restaurants as COVID-19 cases are rising once again. Rivera tweeted on June 11: “There are other options for dining but the consumer will drive things back and greedy owners will compromise their staff to serve them. There are no leaders in this industry. There are no voices that can make these points stick.”

“If I was a dude with an accent that made jibaritos and chicharrones on the side of the street, no one would give a fuck.”

While recent months have brought the cracks in the industry to the forefront, the pandemic is not the direct cause of many of them. Rivera takes issue with an industry built on what he believes is an antiquated system of constant investment and expansion. “A lot of chefs, who are frankly losing their asses right now, are going to realize it’s not wise to seek so much investment, those deals with the devil, in order to push themselves into the stratosphere of the industry,” he says. This system, Rivera says, perpetuates the problems within the restaurant industry and benefits only “old, rich white men.”

Rivera’s tweets have earned the attention of the famous chefs he’s called out; some have even reached out to him. Colicchio invited him to an Instagram Live conversation about his experiences in the restaurant industry. And in an episode of the Dave Chang Show podcast, Chang said of Rivera, “Everything he’s saying is not something I always agree with, but I respect his viewpoints on a lot of things. If you look at what he’s doing it’s anything and everything, that’s what you have to see cause we have no idea what’s going to work. You got to try it all and make mistakes and adapt, make mistakes and adapt.”

Rivera recognizes that his own privilege has contributed to some of this success. “I knew what I had to do in order to play the game for people to listen to me,” he says. “If I was a dude with an accent that made jibaritos and chicharrones on the side of the street, no one would give a fuck.” However, he wants that game to change. “First, they need to get the fuck out of the way. They need to just get out of the way,” he says, referring to the old guard of primarily white men. “I don’t want to see another white dude traveling around the world discovering food. I’m tired of the Christopher Columbus shit.”

Rivera isn’t convinced that a return to some level of “normal” after the pandemic will solve many of his issues with the industry, including the financial barriers for BIPOC-run restaurants and the treatment of back-of-house staff in big-name restaurants. However, he’s inspired by younger generations of cooks and writers, like Alicia Kennedy and Illyanna Maisonet, for speaking out about the changes that need to happen, and credits them with “[helping] me establish how to be a voice, if you will, without just saying ‘fuck you’ every two seconds.” And six months into the pandemic, Rivera is still playing it day to day, ready to pivot once again whenever the need should arise. As he packs up spices, thinks up new to-go meals, and updates his website, he hopes that, at the very least, what he has done in his kitchen resonates in a food world that’s in dire need of a drastic pivot of its own.

Alberto Perez is a freelance writer currently based out of Seattle, but he’d rather be back in Texas eating tacos. Suzi Pratt is a photographer based in Seattle.

from Eater - All https://ift.tt/36lJt39 https://ift.tt/30qG27w

Selling pantry items, like spices, has helped keep Addo afloat.

Despite everything, the Seattle chef has found a way to successfully run his restaurant Addo — and he has some advice for the rest of the industry

“What? What do you mean?”

“We’re done. Everything’s closed, all the lines of credit. Everything’s done.”

Rivera felt he had to “learn to play the game.”

Rivera is selling rice, beans, and other Puero Rican pantry staples online.

The Addo space has transformed from restaurant to storage facility.

“We’re punching above our weight class now,” Rivera says of Addo’s pandemic operation.

“If I was a dude with an accent that made jibaritos and chicharrones on the side of the street, no one would give a fuck.”

Alberto Perez is a freelance writer currently based out of Seattle, but he’d rather be back in Texas eating tacos. Suzi Pratt is a photographer based in Seattle.

from Eater - All https://ift.tt/36lJt39 via Blogger https://ift.tt/30orTHX

#Blogger #cooking #Eater #food #recipes

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vampiremeerkat · 6 years

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Idk if this is too personal but are you planning your own animated series someday or is cartooning more of a hobby?

I still want to work on Ed, Edd n Eddy Highschool, but the problem is that I want it to be like the original show. My wish forces me to be dependent on strangers who possess the talent and time available to help me, and want to do so for free. It’s a difficult combination. I’ve visited a few voice acting forums and found out that charity is something the professionals out there avoid. These places were surprisingly unfruitful. The voice actors I have now approached me themselves, through Deviantart, while I couldn’t make a single person interested in my ideas at these forums. I’m just too lame-sauce.There are also alot of things you have to keep recognizable when you take an existing concept and explore it. There’s not all that much creative freedom.When I returned to DenNIM years ago, it made me wonder if I should be this focused on creations that aren’t even mine. I thought of a few shorts starring my DenNIM characters and Dee Rhymz, but I can’t call this a plan. I do have a growing preference for my original content, though, despite the fact not many people care for it and Ed, Edd n Eddy Highschool should get the priority. But I’m wondering more and more if this is the route I should take.I decided to share one of my Ed, Edd n Eddy animations on Youtube at one point, which got dogpiled by a group of people after a whole year of being online and not having garnered any traffic during that period. It was rather obvious they were riled up to do this; maybe the video was shared at some forum with whatever message, but it still bothered me. Nothing in the video warranted the responses they gave. The badgering went on for a week or 2, and it drove me insane that nobody wanted to tell me where they came from. It drove me insane that stupid meme shit like PaffenEd got so many upvotes, but this proper animation got boycotted into the ground.Most people don’t (care to) understand how much work and time it takes to create a smooth series of movements or come up with a story worth animating, even though this keeps being said, and the incident made me wonder if Ed, Edd n Eddy Highschool is going to give me any satisfaction if the audience won’t acknowledge the work put in it.People familiar with the original show will judge it, as is their right, and I’m expecting it. By default, there’ll be fans, as there’ll be critics, but they won’t be critics of animation/art, but people who will hate it for what’s been done to existing characters that they personally disagree with. Having these kind of comments on a drawing is fine, but an animation has more effort behind it, so it stings. Actually, this reminds me of that Eddy’s brother fan episode on Youtube, where the comments are disabled. This can’t be for no reason. Maybe the problem is simply Youtube, as I think the Deviantart upload has everything enabled. But this is not a solution for me, my plans have always been to start this series on Youtube, and I still believe this is the right platform to go to.When anyone asks me about my plans for an animated series, I’m urged to mention Ed, Edd n Eddy Highschool, but the experience I’ve gotten over the years turned my feelings towards it lukewarm. I can’t upload a single video on Youtube without getting at least 2 comments asking about or complaining about it not being Ed, Edd n Eddy Highschool. Doesn’t sound too extreme, but I don’t get all that many comments on my stuff to begin with, so it stands out.I want to say DenNIM is on my mind, but there’s nothing set in stone. It helps that original content wlll remove the department of angered nostalgic critics, as there’s nothing they have to compare with, but this shouldn’t be the sole reason I’d let a whole fanseries die. I don’t think I can let it die.So, the gist of my answer is that my plans for an animated series are as unclear as the rest of my future.

#ed #edd #eddy #highschool #dennim #dee rhymz #eene

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oldladydatin · 5 years

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Starting at the start.

I’d start at the start but there isn’t one. I decided to leave my husband, February 2018. I used to feel the need to explain why I left my marriage of 14 years, I no longer do. People will make you feel like you did something wrong or you were just being lazy in your marriage. I’ve heard the most ridiculous things come out of people’s mouths. I don’t know if people don’t realize or just don’t care about the effect these things have on people who are probably already feeling scared, hurt, vulnerable and alone. I’ve had things said to me that made my head explode. This was a very scary and lonely decision for me. I don’t know how this is for men, I felt like I took a lot of the blame and guilt and he just acted pissed. Why did I feel guilty? Well I’d literally had my mom say to me “what have YOU done, to fix YOUR marriage.” As if this was my problem exclusively, maybe women just carry a lot of guilt. I felt guilty my whole marriage. If I didn’t have dinner done, if I spent money, if I went somewhere, if I wanted something, if I had sexual needs or desires. As if I got married and suddenly my needs and wants were irrelevant. There were a lot of reasons for the dissolution of my marriage. Money problems including homelessness, joblessness, bankruptcy, foreclosure, tanking credit. Anger and depression, change, abuse, lying, and cheating. I wasn’t innocent but neither was he. It’s so much to explain, how do you give a simple explanation for 14 years of failures. You don’t.

I’m not native to this state. I have a few family members here who I didn’t grow up with and didn’t really know. I’d lost lots of family and friends in my divorce. People don’t realize how alienating the things they say to you can be. I could’ve moved home. I decided not to because I felt like this was an opportunity for me to learn and grow as a person and as a woman. And honestly I feel a little pushed around by my family at times. I wanted to be in control of my life for once. My kids had been through a lot and I knew my family didn’t recognize or understand that and my kids needed to heal and grow as much as I did. Luckily while my marriage was falling apart I finished my degree and had several job offers. I decided to move from the rural part of the state to the big city. I had lived here for 9 months once and besides being completely impoverished at the time, I loved it here. It’s beautiful, there’s always things to do and people are more laid back than in the northeast. Looking at what my offers were and the expense of the safer parts of town I knew money would be tight but I was ready to take on a new challenge.

So my first mistake as a newly single woman....

I actually went to therapy alone for a year before I left my husband. My ex husband and I had agreed 2 years prior the marriage was over. I had told him if he didn't want to go to counseling then I was going to leave, and he said “I don’t do ultimatums.” I took that as he didn’t want to work on it and I spent 2 years planning to leave. I even picked up oddball art jobs and bought dishes and things for my first bachelorette pad. I started talking to and flirting with men online probably 1 year prior to leaving, it was nice to have someone pay attention. My therapist continually said don’t get serious or move in with someone right away. Her recommendation was wait 1 year for every 7 years you were married. So 2 years.... now as a woman who’s never been single and never dated my reaction was “girl pfft 2 years? I’m never doing that shit again, I’m all about that single life!” Oh lorty. I fell in love with every dude who showed me attention.. My ex husband had barely touched me for the last 10 years of our marriage, he hadn’t spent time with me, he didn’t show me attention or affection. To be honest my sex life when it was existent was also very boring. While talking to men online I was introduced to bdsm. Oooooh it’s taboo, exciting, AND everything my marriage wasn’t, I was very intrigued. I’m a nerd and I’m obsessive and I read everything I could get my hands on. One book I read suggested a website where you could connect with others who were into this and there was more information, without hesitation I signed up. I got bombarded with messages from men immediately. Among these messages were messages from a guy who I came to completely fall for. I no longer think of him and think we were in love. I think this was madness. Like these were the kind of emotions where if you feel this run the other direction because this dude is about to fuck up your life. And he did. While moving I picked a place in his neighborhood at his urging. I don’t regret that it’s a nice neighborhood, my kids are safe, it’s a great school, and it’s cheaper than on the other side of town. But I essentially set my life up around and for a guy I was “in love” with, so I wasn’t in control like I had wanted to be. But we moved and got settled. This guy didn’t want to date me like he’d previously said, he didn’t want a life with me like he had said, he was already in a relationship or three, he lied to me about any and everything and he hurt me physically and mentally while dropping bread crumbs to say he wanted otherwise. And I believed him because I was very naive and scared and lonely. He just wanted a sexual relationship and me being close by made it more convenient for him. He hasn’t been in my life for 6 months, despite several efforts to be and I have been dating, but I learned so much from that experience. I share my dating experiences on social media. At the urging of my friends who are married or who have never done the online dating thing, who find my little adventures amusing, I decided to start this blog and share. Maybe it will be short and sweet and I’ll fall madly in love tomorrow. Or maybe I’ll have some more strange dates and awkward sexual experiences. Either way I am embracing this new adventure.

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kennysamathedeviant · 7 years

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Thank you so much for that DCEU post, it pins down a lot of my own thoughts about this whole "WB meddling with the DCEU directors' visions" thing. I'm also one of those people who had been increasingly frustrated every time there are news regarding the DCEU directors, and wishing that the studio had backed up and stood by them more. (1/2)

But the more I think about it, I wonder if it's not just because of my own kneejerk reaction to the relentless public and media bias against the DCEU and the need to put the blame somewhere else (i.e. the studios), instead of it being an actual problem caused by the studios. (2/2)

Sorry I didn't answer this earlier, it was late then and I was already asleep in bed

I'm so glad you liked the post, it's been sitting in my draft for days and i was nervous about putting it out there but i've gotten low key tired of subtly pointing it out in reblogs that WB has actually so far, by all evidence, done right by their directors. I really don't blame anyone for being frustrated at the possibility of there being problems at the studio, especially with the way the rumours always make it seem that a majority of the fandom's problems would be solved if they listened to their directors. I know I've read my fair share of heartbreaking fan confessions that they can't believe history repeated itself when people hated BvS, like they did MoS, and how it was tearing at their souls and they really, really wouldn't want to go through it again. I've had days where it was too much to come online because I knew what i'd be seeing, it's all so physically/mentally exhausting and deeply humiliating. So, I don't blame anyone for wanting better, but the never ending hatred is beginning to push us in a direction where we'd ignore all warning signs, and give anything, possibly even our support of the studio, for that one chance for people to just say along with us; "hey, that was a great movie!" even though it's improbable. We're being gaslighted. Forced to believe that things could be different and it's somehow an internal issue that it puts a target on your back for identifying as a DCEU fan and not an external issue. But I refuse to look at it that way, because at the end of the day, something that's still plain as day is that the movies we love, are held to a different, impossible standard than lesser movies in the same category, or any category for that matter.

I remember that one of the first reviews for BvS I read was that it was "a meat headed movie" meaning it was all about brawn and no brains, dude bro rubbish, then another said it was not filled with action but is like a work of art but that was bad. Two completely contradicting opinions on one movie and they both claim it's bad and are both wrong as attested by the movie's own quality. Just like with Man of Steel, initial reactions from people who saw the movie first, was 100% positive, with so many saying it surpassed the TDK trilogy, then the reviews came out and it was 100% opposite. Like Man of Steel, initial reactions were like "best movie ever", then suddenly it was "worst movie ever". Till then, all initial indications was that everyone had gotten with the program, the marketing to prepare people for the tone, story, length finally worked, we got built up with hope, then they crushed it, spat on it, pissed all over it, for months, then turned around and said it's the studio's fault they were such tools about it. All the critical slamming of Zack Snyder, Henry Cavill and Amy Adams and even Hans Zimmer's incredible score, is still fresh in my memory. Ben Affleck got slammed too but he initially got off easier, he was the best Batman ever and I couldn't help but think that Batman, being allowed to be a character and allowed to be re-interpreted in different ways, helped. Then WB said "hey, how about a Batman movie?" and then suddenly it's "I can't support a batman who kills!". The so called "feminist" sites that keep slamming the dceu actresses for not having "punch a dude" as some kind of default personality trait, when all we've ever heard is that punching dudes =/= strong female character, it's complexity. The idea that it's the studios fault somehow that they're biased, is equivalent to all those soulless people who said they can't empathise with Superman in the dceu because he didn't have a "moment" with a kid, because who cares about his own suffering? Or they can't accept him killing Zod because they never had him state he doesn't kill, despite Zod killing over 5,000 people and wanting to go for 6billion, like that enhances anything in anyway, or who state Superman is depressing to watch and that he was sad he saved people (i've literally heard this multiple times) or who use mental gymnastics to justify any number of reasons why they hated x, y and z. The problem with blaming the studio, is the predicament in which it exists doesn't support that statement. DCEU directors and actors are always putting their reputation on the line by being involved with it, signing into the DCEU is like signing a waiver, surrendering your reputation to the possibility of ruin. You'll get scrutinised immediately until you get a movie script, and it'll continue until you directed or acted in a movie and then it'll really get bad after the movie is released. If the studio truly has a hand in all that, the directors would walk, it's bad enough you get shit for aligning with WB, but then WB enabling that nonsense? Why the hell are you sticking around? Marvel in 8 years have rotated almost all of their directors except Favreau, Whedon, Gunn and the Russos. But their director problems are well known, even with at least three of the above directors. But that has never hampered the predictability of the public to suck up to them but somehow the DCEU; about to go four years strong, who has retained every director to release a movie, probably will retain Patty Jenkins and will most likely retain Ben Affleck, is the one with the reputation of interfering in director's visions? It's all so paradoxical.

Then you look how they treated Man of Steel like dirt despite its time length, you recall how their complaints conflict with what did happen in the movie, and then you see they did the same thing to BvS, and you suddenly wonder why you should believe that these people even give a shit about what version of movie they're watching. Those who say "Lois Lane sucks" for being competent and ahead of the curve, are not believable for saying they needed more of Lois. Those who don't care about Clark are not believable for saying they needed to see 30mins more of him, those who have been sitting at the edge of their seats for hints of negativity, slandering the movie for it's tone, story, writing and canvassing for the movie's failure, are not believable when they say they would have liked a longer cut with more of those things they hated, it's all just one big farce. And the really annoying thing, is that they're trying, and even being successful, to convince fans that they would care if the stars were aligned. That we shouldn't focus on how they screw us and the studio over repeatedly, we should focus on how the studio isn't putting all it's eggs in one basket, walking off into a market where everyone's anticipating their arrival with sledgehammers. We should focus on the fact the studio had the foresight to sell some of those eggs early, and to people who are likely to buy it, and the ones they ruined for them, weren't everything. Those ones they held back? They were better and they totally wouldn't go at it with a sledgehammer, if they had brought those along too. Logic; hater style. That's the logic they've been feeding us for months, while still bashing the movie with no distinction in the next breath, passing it over for awards, and choosing Deadpool of all movies for awards it's not merited. Trying to convince people 2016 was bad for WB, when the first quarter alone saw a huge improvement in profits beyond the studio's own estimations, courtesy in no small part, to BvS. But no, they would have liked them to put all their money and resources on the line, like they're gambling at a blackjack table, on a flimsy excuse they'll consider not being biased tools, so they can completely screw them over and remove the competition that was never allowed. I wish I lived in a reality where the billion dollars potential that each movie obviously had (considering how much money they make on negativity), came true but I don't live there. And it's very frustrating that we know every movie is still going to get hit with it, Wonder Woman will get it, JL will get it, and they'll still try to convince us that it's the studio's fault. But fair and unbiased treatment makes merit possible and merit is worth it's weight in gold but we've so far been denied it. So whatever knee jerk reaction that the fandom has, is because they deliberately put it there, through all the relentless public as well as media bias, slander from all angles, gaslighting and an elevated form of concern trolling. There's obviously more than one way to tank a franchise, if you can't tank it's fans, tank the fans faith in the product studio. We'll just have to be wary of these people and their latest reasons for wanting the opposite of what they said they did, five minutes ago.

#maryjabassa asks #what happened to xma's box office gross is exactly what could have happened to bvs #it had negativity during production #people suddenly decided that like with fantastic four #the rights would be better at marvel #that negativity followed it into trailers #all while it thought it was avoiding bvs' 'mistakes' by avoiding showing 'too much'#it really was not their fault they didn't see it coming #they couldn't find ways to ensure the franchise' survival if they thought ff was an isolated incident #thanks in no small part to their own role in it #in broad perspective sony has been taken away from the competition #yes it has spiderman homecoming but as part of the mcu #it's not going to be credited to them by fans #fox is also being targeted for removal with the exception of deadpool that looks like an mcu movie on r rating #wb is the top target #and the one refusing to die #so they'll always find ways to not just devalue the movie or fans but the studio itself #comparing it's movies to the holocaust #trump #calling it's fans 'scums of the earth'#but no really it's totally because of the studio not being perfect that they do all this #which is why that charles roven response made me so happy #wb execs need to learn to shill their own universe #no more defeatist tones #if marvel can pretend they're this forward thinking entity #you can admit you are that and a successful one too

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datingadviceonreddit · 5 years

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This is my first post on reddit tho. I tried not to write so much but I did, the thing is I really need some advice cause he's been driving me crazy, I love him so soo much but I'll probably let him go due to my exhaustive useless efforts.AH, a little detail. He doesn't take any medications at all. He said he used to take until he was 16 or something, and then stopped cause it was making him worse instead of better. And he also had some issues with coke and pot addiction in his youth. And even when I met him, actually after a while, he showed me on video that he used to smoke a joint everyday after job, and also before sleeping. I myself am personally not into drugs, at that time, I only tried joint but I was terrible experiences, so I never did it again. But I was accepting him, just the way he was. And I never new of the existence of adult ADHD before, also.So, it begins with how we met. Super randomly, on instagram, July 2017, he found me and decided to message me (27F) because of a band we both (apparently) love (its maybe very clear in my username there). And we're both from completely different continents (europe and south america). We never talked much in the beginning, just basic stuff concerning our countries and musical taste. Later on we exchanged numbers, and started talking a lot by the end of September. We discovered that we have A TONE of similarities in SO MANY THINGS in our life, and a deep love for the universe and it's forces, that it was very scary and we started claiming we were soulmates. And also the very similar wishes in life, we clicked real good. In mid October we both realised that was becoming complicated, because we were falling in love.By that time, I was living in another state in my country, due to work, living in a shared apartment with other girlfriends. And he was working and living with his mom and older brother. At some point in October he opened up and said we should stop what was going on because he was actually seeing someone there and that was unfair with her, and also despite the fact that HELLO two different continents, and LDR's are complicated and stuff. But shortly after, I'd say one or two weeks, he was reaching me out again, saying he was too in love with me to ignore ''all the signs of the universe'', and he doesn't really loved the other girl to keep hooking up with her, so he was gonna stop seeing her and focus on me. I was not really seeing or interested in anyone and I was really loving the conversations with him, so I accepted it.By the end of December, we exchanged Christmas gifts, and he decided to buy a ticket to my country for the next year, cause in March we both were gonna have vacations. Ever since the beginning he was very attentive, and always send a lot of messages to me, with varied subjects, and he always loved to talk a lot (I loved having so much attention but I couldn't really do the same in my job) and he used to it even when he was working. We have built a really strong connection not only texting, but video-calling ALMOST EVERYDAY after both jobs (and 4 hours time gap).Closer to the day we were about to meet in-person, I was looking at his pictures on facebook and noticed something, call it stalking or not, but I observed it was not the first time he was gonna go to another continent for a 'love' match. He apparently dated a girl from USA before, and stayed there with her for the whole tourist visa period. This is something mentionable cause I asked him if he ever had a long-distance before and he very surely affirmed he never had it and he couldn't ever have it he thinks, cause he was someone very like "eye-to-eye". And said that what we were building was different because as soon as meeting personally and being sure of everything, we were gonna proceed other steps to be in the same continent together, no matter what. So... After my discover, I decided to talk with him about it and he was very comprehensive about my worries and said I got it all wrong, cause that was never really a serious relationship, he just wanted to visit USA and happened to have this "plus". Which doesn't look very fair cause in the girl`s media it seems like she was DEEPLY in love with him. I accepted his explanations but I kept it in mind, cause I'm a little paranoid maybe, but I started thinking he was a "trophy hunter". So I tried not to be so blindly in love, and just let it flow.So the time came to meet each other personally after 7 months online building all the feelings. We meet in the airport, and we were gonna go TO MY PARENTS HOUSE in another state, cause I always come to them when I have vacations, and thus there's a lot of beautiful nature, so we were gonna do some short travels (he was gonna stay for 2 weeks). And it was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING, and never clicked so insanely good with anyone before, I was afraid of everything. We were great friends, great lovers, great travel partners, everything was good and some "universe signs" kept appearing to us, like some small coincidences, or seeing numbers repeatedly when being somewhere, etc. My parents are divorced, and he happened to meet the both of them, and they both liked him a lot, although they don't speak a word of english. At the end of the second week, it was devastating to say goodbye so fast. And I was leaving back to the state I work as well.Back to our routines, we were sure we wanted each other like we never wanted anyone before. And we started looking for possibilities to be together. I was missing him a lot but I was doing okay in my routine, as always. BUT HE.... He was desperate. He started sending me sad messages saying how much we was missing me and how much it was breaking his heart and making him sad. He even sent audio and video messages showing that he was desperately crying. And I felt profoundly sad but I couldn't do anything really but ask him to calm down, give all my support and tell him to maybe seek for professional help, cause he didn't need to be like that, we're adults, we just needed to commit and work hard for what we were desiring. So he was doing his best to stay okay... And in the second week, he said he decided to go visit a friend of him. A girl (22F) he also met on instagram and became super close, like `real brothers`, he said she was a lesbian and she was english, living together with her swiss girlfriend in Switzerland (7 hours drive from his home). So he was mostly willing to do it so he could drive (which makes him calm) and refresh his mind with something different, cause he was feeling very bad like in a tunnel with no light. SO then again... I accepted it.He went on Tuesday and he spent 3 days there. He was quite normal, always sharing what he was doing with me, only in my morning of Thursday, when he was preparing to go back home, he was answering me a little different than usual towards cuddling subjects. He said it nothing, he was okay, just hurrying up to drive back home. And while he was driving back, I in my country was still in my working hours. Then all of a sudden I receive a message from this girl he went to visit on my instagram... Saying I shouldn't believe people so easily, cause sometimes they show something they aren't... And that I shouldn't go visit Europe, cause I was gonna be disappointed and it's dangerous since I'm not from there to be with a "stranger"........ I asked her what the hell was that random message and wtf was she trying to tell me??? So she confessed they talked a lot, and happened to kiss. I WAS WORKING, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I WAS IN SHOCK. I told her how come could it happen, cause he told me she was lesbian living with her girlfriend.... THEN SHE WAS MAD AS WELL...... Cause she is just sharing a house with her best friend and her family also, cause she's a little lost in life and had problems with pot, so she was there spending some time to get better.So long story short, I wanted to breakup right away with him through the phone, and he said he was deeply sorry for not being clear with it, and that it just happened because they smoked pot and it makes him weak blablabla....... On the next day I was devastated on my job, I didn't even wanted to go. And that girl was still sending me messages of how unfair he was with the both of us, and she asked if I could have a break to join them in a voicecall.... I managed to get it.... Just to get to know, they also fucked in the family sofa. Enough. Despite all this shit, everything was weird on my job, there was a lot of new apprentices and no superior was giving me feedbacks this day. By the end of day... My boss calls me to go to his room, together with the Art Director, and guess what? I was fired. One of the best agencies I've always worked and I learned so much. MY DAY LITERALLY FELL APART.AND IT WAS A FUCKING FRIDAY THE 13TH. UNBELIEVABLE. WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.So my boyfriend was still waiting for me to go back home, "so he could explain everything himself". And when I told I was fired he was also -apparently- devastated. I have never been cheated on before, and the way everything happened was completely insane. I'm glad I had lovely girlfriends living with me, cause I was really having an anxiety attack for a few hours, and they covered me super good. So I had the decision of letting the beast talk to me, and I answered the phone. Summing up, he showed to be extremely devastated and destroyed by everything that happened and he was not expecting it cause I was so marvellous and kind to him that it was really unfair with me, and he said the least he could do was at least book a last-minute flight to come to my country and say sorry on my face. Let's also make it clear we're not rich and such decisions are very impulsively insane, lol. And then again I, the dumbest of them all, I was doubting he could make such a crazy act (I have NEVER dealt with ADHD in my life, so I had no clue what I was passing through), so I sort of dared him to do it. And he did. He booked a flight for the next day, but with the time gap, he was gonna arrive Sunday night. My girlfriends were all ready to punch him in the face if necessary, or even call the police.So I talked to him. He said she was inventing the sex part, cause she was trying to seduce him, she was high and touching herself, and when he was about to put it in, he realised he couldn't do it with his girlfriend. I NEVER TRULY BELIEVED IT.... BUT LETS CONTINUE.... I want to make it clear here again, that I was never cheated on before in my life. BUT, I do cheated on someone before, twice. And the person forgave me. Twice. You can see what's coming... Yeah, I sort of believe that everyone deserves a second chance. Although this international drama novel WAS TOO MUCH FOR MY HEAD. LOL. So, I do believe that if you do something wrong, the universe will make you pay at some point. I'm not sure I deserved such a mindfuck really, but I tried to see it like this, and he was insisting so much that we were 'chosen' to be together, that I AGAIN, ACCEPTED IT.He spent a week with me, and we had plenty of time to put everything clean, in the table. I wish employers in my country were as comprehensive tho, he spent a fucking week away, invented some excuses and they accepted it. He went back to his country, and he was feeling so bad about me losing my job that he decided to leave his job in a Pet Shop store, but he also said it was the only way to spend more time with me when I was gonna go to Europe (cause that was the next step, after he seeing all my life in my country). But this was really the only way he could follow me, cause I also do some freelancing (design & photography), and I was planning to become a ''digital nomad'' full time in the following years. I'm feeling very abused now because I accepted too much from him... I even accepted hurrying up the plans for this lifestyle.... AND IT REQUIRES TIME... But I also understand that sometimes love can't wait. He was mostly used to work in stores and he's also been a plumber, musician, and event manager. But he was good writing, and was willing to do some volunteering works with me also, so we tried to plan some possibilities for him was well.He thought trying this lifestyle asap was gonna allow us to spend all this time together somewhere, exploring the world and working, without the need to wait separately (We talked about doing the Cohabitation contract for couples, and it requires 2 years of relationship). I had been dreaming about doing this for 3 years, so I WAS DREAMY, I WAS ENCHANTED with the idea, it was also awesome to have someone pushing me to finally realize my dreams. SO I ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN.Ah, but then my trauma with the cheating started. Even before I went to him, dude, I'm a super chill person in relationships, but I was extremely paranoid with everything about him. I love him, but I couldn't erase those feelings so easily... It was way to recent!!! And he was always very comprehensive, and gave me a lot of support. Then I went to him, and everything was new to me (I never left my country before) I was enchanted with the travel. I liked this family, and they liked me too, I liked his country, not so much the food, but everything was super nice. His friends also found me adorable and I liked them as well.Just so I don't write another gigantic story about the travels.... (But I'm making a blog and an instagram page about it), buttt long story short again...... We visited in total, around 16 countries. We did a eurotrip in a month and a half (we slept in his car, cheap airbnbs and couchsurfing to lower the expenses). And then we left to New Zealand. Where we both realised that SO MANY PEOPLE are travelling around like we always dreamed of. So we were proud of it.My last week before leaving to Oceania with him was a bit turbulent. We had some fights over the cheating again, and also because of... Cultural differences. In NZ, we were travelling and sleeping in a car. Together with this, there was not a lot of phone signal to have internet, and sometimes there's literally nothing but nature there, so it was hard to freelance. In the end we happened to spend more than gain, and it made the both of us super stressed out. And again, together with all these details, there was the cheating trauma. Although NZ is definitely my ''dream home'' now, I absolutely fell in love with the country, the people, the nature, the food, everything... Although... We had SEVERAL fights during this trip, now not only mentioning the cheat, but all the stress that was going on. I confess I tried to breakup with him 8 times, but we always talked a lot, and he insisted I was being impulsive and I should forget what happened also. In the last trial... It was him who was tired, I was gonna let me go, he was SO done with everything that happened and this sort of... Well, not very well-planned trip that was breaking us both. But I found some strength and thought it through... So then it was me saying he should stay calm and that we were gonna pass through these problems together and surpass it.But after that, everything became different. It started being like he was only standing me, because we knew I still had stuff AND DOCUMENTS back in his house in europe, so we were gonna need to go back together, before I leave to my country. We had very weird moments of ``too much love`` and also ``no love at all``. He sometimes were EXTREMELY childish in discussions, leaving me talking alone, saying we should talk another time... And mostly... "zoning out". Literally, acting as if I was not at his side, being completely in his bubble. Sleeping in the car, or sometimes in a bed, but SUPER far away from me, to the point of almost falling in the floor........ And dude, this happened more than 5 times, I guess. That was when I started reading about ADHD and I FINALLY understood such behaviours.... But it was useless to talk to him about this... He used to say I was saying he was sick, and he's not crazy, he's not mental... He doesn't need help cause he can take care of himself alone........ This is extremely complicated, but I tried to understand how he feels about it, and I actually tried to give all my support, although I sometimes was feeling like POOP close to him.The time came to go back to his house, then in the following weeks, he was becoming calmer again, and it was like the love was coming back. I spent two months there with him and his family, they are super lovely people. Before coming back to his home, we had a serious talk about turning the pages of everything that happened and focusing on the future now. And always TALK when there's something wrong, never left anything unsaid, cause it's not good for any of us. So we had this agreement, and everything was fine. Although in New Year's eve, he got drunk and said some weird things to me... I was also kinda drunk, but I remember everything, and he claims he doesn't remember a thing. He said I should leave him cause he was not the strong man I need, he was trying but he didn't feel like he can ever be it, that I need someone better and he was nothing... Etc....... I told him I was not gonna do it and I was gonna help him with anything he needs, always give my support to make him feel good.... I reminded him afterwards of all this talk we had and he was a little surprised with it.We were then super lovely with each other, everything was fine again... Except.... 1 - the fact that my time to go back to my country was almost coming. 2 - he was having a huge lack of sexual desire. 3 - although he was super lovely, he was extremely stressed out with all this. Together with the fact that he didn't have a job anymore, was almost broke, and the only way to start the Cohabitation procedure must be with he having a job as one of the requirements. I kept saying to him he should seek help to see this `stress` thing, but he kept repeating that he was broke an he couldn't, and also therapists just talk, so he wasn't gonna be helped. lol.He decided to come with me to my country, before starting to look for jobs. He spent a short time here with me and my family. And we had some conversations in which he said I was crazy to accept him after all that happened, and he tried to imply that maybe we've done enough for each other and it was time to split our ways.... But I mentioned turning the pages again, cause that's what I did. And although we passed through some problems, the good moments are bigger than the bad ones, and I was still sure we could make this through and stay together. He agreed to fight together. And he supported me saying I should move again to the city I was before, cause there's more and better opportunities for jobs for me, while we wait some more months for that procedure. He left to a lot of tears in the airport, from the both of us, and my mom was there too, also feeling emotional.OKAY.... NOW WE'RE HERE. Right now it's been almost 2 months being separated. It's been super hard, after 8 months being together with someone 24/7. We had some fights of course, who doesn't? But we had awesome times together, and I believed in his love so much, and I give him the best of me.Now.... He came back and he bought online courses of programming, I went to university, he never did. But he wants to have some background and a diploma as well. I HELPED HIM discovering this love for programming, and I put all my efforts to make him proud and help him find ways to study it. I'm so proud that he's finally focusing on studies!!! But then............... It's been 3 weeks that he all of a sudden stopped saying that he loves me (we used to say it everyday). And he's not even `cute` anymore, he's being completely cold and distant. Still talks a lot, but only about random subjects. I questioned him about his suddenly mood changes, and he's been giving me a different answer ever since....... One time he says its because he's too focused on the studies that he doesn't see he's being cold....... Another time he says its because he started thinking a little too much about the past, about all the fights, and it is putting so much weight on him, that he started feeling weird towards me......... And then he says he started thinking that he could START TRAVELLING ALONE because its something he always wanted and now he's locked in this relationship that he needs to focus to work out now............ And other time he says that due to the studies and those thoughts of the past and probabilities to travel alone, he became confused about us and he doesn't know anymore what he wants.........Also, I've been applying for jobs is his country, so we could make things faster maybe. Last Tuesday I had an e-mail from an agency in his country, inviting me for an interview! I was so extremely happy! I went to send him the new right away....... I RECEIVED THE WORST REACTION EVER. He treated it as if it was a spam message. He didn't believe it, and he was suddenly GONE for one hour. Came back to say he was super sorry for his reactions, and he was happy this for me.... And then he sent an audio message explaining he panicked with it, because he's been having enough stress with the studies, and his unnecessary pessimistic thoughts... He said he's been trying to tell me something for a while, but he's struggling with it and didn't find the right words still. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IN SUCH WORDS. Everything. This day. It was the last drop. The cherry of cake. I was done.So I told him he was gonna have this week all off my sight. Cause if he's confused about me, he shouldn't keep being cold but always talking random to me... He should GO THINK STRAIGHT. So that's it. We haven't been talking ever since Tuesday. I said we should talk this Sunday, but if ever he needed more time, he should let me know.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ALL THIS???? I need ideas and advice. I'm curious to know what's gonna come up from his mouth this time. I'm super done with all this.... It's like so much efforts was in vain.... But I still love him absurdly. I'm contemplating if its the time to leave this boat, or if we should keep trying. I'm emotionally drained, I invested too much efforts on this for the long run and now I really would only be able to stay if it would be to have a calm and more open and mature relationship. via /r/dating_advice

#dating #dating advice #reddit

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circularwastemememe-blog · 6 years

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Resistance

Even I do feel relatively in peace, there are aspects of me that I truly need to re-examine.

I ran into some obstacles. I gotta look into my soul and emotions to gain some insights.

I found my previous collaborator trolling me again, and that really annoys me. I try to find ways to make a difference to my circumstances but I feel truly frustrated as though the world is against me.

My mom asked me to stop fighting back or announcing his wrongs in public. But I cannot go on letting others treat me as shits. This is unfair. I also hate the fact that my life is full of such type of drama to deal with. I stand alone because there seems to be no one to help me. Then I start to feel resentful. I begin to wonder who the fuck would wanna involve themselves in such world of mine - a world that is full of discrimination, fights, anger, failures, disappointments, and hard works. Then I begin to hate my body, my voice as though they are separate beings disconnected from my face. I won't say I'm going to break down but there is something wrong that needs to be fixed. How to find the problem? Go to find it in the worst matter that is highly likely to trigger you - watch Clara's new video. Gee, it sounds almost like a dark joke but I mean it. I had been filled with negative vibes towards this woman, who had been the source for a great many negative inspirations despite that it is hard to associate all this with her beautiful, flirtatiously pleasant face.

I forced myself to be detached: If I did not have any bit of personal conversation, even just feeble connections, if she were truly a total stranger, if I did not know her life a bit, how would I feel about her video? I think I'd subscribe to her channel and leave her a positive comment full of appreciation and encouragement. And I'd share her video on Facebook posts and with some of my guy friends with my best wishes that she would get a substantial career with her lovely singing voice and her skillset on cinematography. Yes. That is me. I would be doing that as a pure good wish for a beautiful woman who gives me minutes of relief and aesthetic exaltation, which is sheerly impersonal. Even I don't know her, I wish her well.

Then why I wouldn't since I did have some feeble interactions with her before? Because she manipulated me with her beauty and made me give her more values than she deserves in my life, all for her vanity. Because she knew what happened to me and chose not to say a thing to relieve me. She pretended to be a liberal-minded humanist but she ain't. What makes it worse? She pretended she cared but she did not. All her beliefs are just words to invite likes so simple-minded suckers like me would leave a comment saying she is beautiful inside out. She seemed sweet and gentle with positive words but she was not really a considerate person at all. All her good manners are for her self-image but the well-being of others. Because after all that, I just realize she is very selfish, narcissistic and cold. After having some idea about her, her video appears like she is winking to deliberately seduce/manipulate the audience as she abuses her sex appeal to get the recognition/attention she wants, like she is making fun of people who sincerely care about her as she celebrates her success of making many people fools for her. She is like that type of person who smiles and flirts with guys while her female friends are dying next room and she is not going to do a thing about it. Other guys told me she is trying too hard to be edgy and authentic but fail. Other guys told me that she is rich French middle-class whose stereotypical temperament is, they always do what they want and they don't give a shit, proud and selfish. Others said, why would anyone wanna show nude pictures in public without being paid to do so? This chick obviously loves herself very much.

She has all the qualities to be a great female singer or artist. (I don't really know whether she can write any song except that she cannot really do live singing with her ukulele since all her videos are processed and edited together. Which is fine. At least she can make good effects with cinematography.) But she just does not have much of a soul to sustain all that even she seems to try very hard by changing her styles. No one bothers to tell her that because they are busy figuring out ways to get into her pants.

Then, I gotta pretend I'm not me and ask me one important question: Do you want her?

The truth is, I don't know. It seems common senses to want her because all that she is given out there. I bet most people would say yes if they are asked, within ten minutes. I always try to hold a pure mind when it comes to beautiful ladies despite their drawbacks. I wanna mold them into that wonderful woman with my love by overlooking their faults so they will get to become that perfect companion I always want. Then why you don't know, dude? Why? Are you pretending? Yes and no. I'm afraid of the harm she's going to do to me if I don't keep my guard. I'm afraid of giving her that importance, that burdensome value in my life, that much power. And obviously, she cannot do good with all that power. If she is likely to shoot randomly with a gun, you should have enough senses not to hand her any ammunition. Ok, all this is resistance. Who would wanna be with someone who holds such strong, negative opinions towards them?

If someone holds such a negative view of me, what would I do? I will try to understand them first. At least they bother to complain. It is better than people who don't say a word. Silence is the highest form of contempt. It is never my wish to crash anyone's self-esteem. It is not a zero-sum game - you win and I lose. No one wins, in fact. Judging from that, Clara must feel a need to contempt me so she can win by all means. Also, her need to win in this case is very questionable as though there is something unspeakably weak and frail hidden beneath.

Maybe I'm being conscientious with this question. Without building a solid bonding, whatever motivates me to want her is superficial - I wanna caress a beautiful face and go to bed with good-looking people as everyone in this world would like to. I also know how it feels to get people into liking you for your appearance. Admiration given free is valueless. Only admiration earned has everlasting values. It is also pretentious to deny your attraction to her but all that is kinda superficial. I have eyes and I'm human and I do enjoy watching fine things. Objectively, I do appreciate her in some aspects but I don't admire her after living through all this. I must say, she handled it horribly. In the end, she acted like a 12-year-old who was unable to sustain an authentic friendship and unfriended some unwanted ex-suitor on Facebook. I was surprised but not so surprised. I somehow felt sorry that she had let herself go and descended to a new low point, as though she were my teenage sister and I was with all that patience in this world to wait for her to get reformed.

Further, judging from my experiences of going to bed with beautiful men, they are usually mediocre lays. The moment I screwed them or they screwed me, I felt bored. Looks is not everything. I tend to give woman's looks more value than man. As to men, I prefer to look at their souls.

I guess I'm okay now. Despite the excruciating distress from this experience, I've come to accept myself a bit better, appreciate a bit more of what I have and the few true people around me. I thought she was what could make me happy but I was wrong. I worked so hard to get what I've always wanted, things and people as goals to attain, people who seemed to be able to make me happy, but all I got was more and more unhappiness in my pursuit of "happiness." Now I just wanna be around people who don't make me unhappy. People who stay around and interact with me to create true values for me. Such values will always exist even they age and change physically. That is precious enough for me.

Clara will eventually age or die someday as we all do, or change her hair and get into an un-fitting style that uglifies her, and all she had created was just a lovely image without content for me. My portraits of her would always be there as I genuinely spent years of my life creating something out there with my heart and soul. I love those works for their true emotions and raw affections even they could be fruits of erotomania. Reluctant as I was, with my fate, I had created true values out there, despite being unseen by this world. Which is fine. Because I believe in me, myself and my art. May the world rot and perish, they will be there as always.

I'm sorry to have been so harsh on her. She is just a girl who wanna celebrate the few things she has had online so she can like herself a bit better. I place her under my microscope for scrutiny because I was also a girl who looked for importance online. I thought she was higher and it broke my heart to see my "idol" act like some commonplace person as it angered me that she had fooled me so well. Gee, I still sound so negative. I think I should make an effort to grow up and forgive her as she is just a lost girl who plays goddess, like my 5-year-old niece who gets delighted when we call her Snow White and treat her like a princess even she is not. (Hopefully, she will grow up and mature in time and be alright with herself, even without someone who treats her like a princess.)

I think I'm alright now.

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iquey · 7 years

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How to have a GOOD TIME on Tumblr

Is it still possible?

I have a lot of love for art, design, and social media, and designers love to tackle problems and look for a variety of ways to solve them.

After sort of falling away from Tumblr, (Due to a loss of interest, being busy with work, and getting tired of seeing lots of repetitive drama in some spheres of it) I retreated to very casual use of a rant/vent/anime/aesthetics account on mobile, and instead migrated to twitter for most of my online social interaction. This led to some improvements in my overall digital life. What twitter lacked in depth and the immense emotional discourse very prevalent on Tumblr, it made up for with expedience, conciseness and ease of blocking harassing agents. After about a year of being very inactive on Tumblr and trying to progress somewhat with adult life, I'm happy to return with the experience and some tips learned from the post-2016 Election trenches of the twitter-verse. Rule #1 The online world is (mostly) your oyster.

Follow who you want to follow, and unfollow those who no longer enrich or add value to your web time. This is ESPECIALLY true if you pay for your own internet bills (not only a Wi-Fi Router, but mobile data counts too.) Don't spend a dime of your time on bothersome accounts. Block whatever you need to block. Don't get roped into feeling socially obligated to carry out arguments or discourses that are going nowhere or are simply created for the sake of starting a crap-flinging contest. Block swiftly, and don't make a production out of it. They will know who they are eventually if they're the determined type with no life. If you need to turn off anon messages for your own mental health, just go on and do it. If you're a character themed or ask blog and feel you need anon messages for traffic, you still aren't obligated to reply to everything. It's your blog.

Which leads to... Rule #2 Be yourself. Value yourself, and value your content. If you don't like someone else's content, see Rule #1. If there's something truly harmful, promoting violence, hatred, or illegal activity, the report button exists for a reason. If you're that mad that something exists and the mods of Tumblr are slow to remove something, you can get your friends and followers to block the post or username creating strife. As for your own content, revel and enjoy what you create and the fandoms you participate in. People will be jerks sometimes and it sucks, but feeding the trolls helps nobody. Fed trolls just come back. If someone is trying to play you, but you're not sure, watch some YouTube videos on dealing with internet trolls, or abusive personalities. Usually just blocking and ignoring or muting works.

Rule #3 If you want to be political on Tumblr, that's totally fine, but PLEASE take time away from Tumblr to cultivate your own personal sense of morality, ethics, knowledge of civics, economics, environmental issues, race, culture, gender, sexuality, and basic human psychology. You will probably be much happier if you don't let Tumblr be the one and only yardstick for what's right and wrong and everything in between in our world. If you get into your own echo chamber too much, the thought styles can become very "all or nothing." which can cause a lot of anxiety for anyone with a nuanced opinion on anything. Didn't I just say the online world is your oyster, and you should only follow blogs that you like? Yes, sure. That doesn't mean you make them your only slice of the world you ever see ever. Duh. Chances are not all the blogs your follow are going to stick to their main topic 100% of the time, 24/7, anyway. Sometimes there will be world events that appear in your feed no matter how focused you try to make your follows. Sometimes you'll want to participate in the fray of topics, and other times, you'll just want to take a nap or work on other things. But having Tumblr as your main source for political views can lead to awkward disconnects between how you want things to be and how things currently are, whatever the political situation is where you live: from the most liberal of metropolitan eras (which despite seeming like utopian LGBT havens on the outside, still have their share of problems), to the most stereotypically conservative, white-bread rural suburbs (Where a lot of great people might actually live). And that disconnect can definitely trigger a lot of pain. Maneuvering your own personal role in social justice movements is many parts knowing who you are and who you want to be first, where the issues in your sphere of influence currently stand, and where you really want things to go. It can take years to build a solid sense of core values and political leanings. Don't feel too awful or in a rush to get everything right overnight, or ever, because perfection is the enemy of sustainable progress.

Rule #4 FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS WHOLESOME AND DESERVING OF MERCY, STOP BULLYING MINORS. Tumblr is a venue for users 13 and up, so a large portion of the accounts here are probably 13-17 year olds. They go to school, have friends, have families, and all the stress comes with living in the world that exists today. What they really DON'T NEED is the 18+ crowd punching down on them for making honest, even "cringeworthy" mistakes, posting art that may not be expert-level quality, or having the courage to post their own picture online, especially if they're LGBTQ, or closeted. And they don't need people DOXING and harassing them. If you are in your 20s, or more, and a teenage user bothers, annoys, or even says very hurtful things to you, YES it can still hurt a lot. Young people are capable of being very mean, sure, but at the end of the day it's the elders who are expected to show responsibility, be a good role model of behavior, and supply the more mature response. As for the teens on Tumblr, if you're dealing with a problematic butt-face, you can block them. If they push the envelope into threats or potential violence, just take screenshots and report them. Please try to remember that there are older people on Tumblr who do care about you, and want you to have a good experience, and adults who bully and harass minors are just wimps who are not the kind of people you should want to associate with.

Rule #5 If things just get too damn awful but you still love your feed, there's always the option of setting your account to private.

Give your URL (or personal Tumblr if you have a separate Artist/Business page) to people who you trust, and Trust with a capital T. It can be more complicated if people are being rude on your business related Tumblr, and you may have to prioritize the fires you're willing to try and put out. In order to best use your energy, it may just take a solid PR campaign and a lot of work to rebuild a reputation if you've been mobbed by trolls or a smear campaign for any number of reasons ranging from a minor mistake or misunderstanding, to a bigger problem that may have truly been your fault. Take some time to learn from the experience and reevaluate what you can approach differently or better the next time you do your online presence.

Summary! 1. Make Tumblr your oyster (Or whatever favorite food you like to eat. I think oysters are kind of gross actually.) 2. Value yourself and your content. Don't let likes and reblogs determine your whole day.

3. Develop your own personal sense of values away from Tumblr's political weather. Social Justice is about actually helping people, not ego gratification. The issues our world faces will be constantly changing and reacting long after Tumblr becomes totally obsolete, and kindhearted people with a willingness to learn and act will always be more effective at social change than a follower count.

4. Stop Bullying Minors. Just stop. Take callout/cringe culture with a grain of salt and skepticism. Resist the urge to join a mob-train. Unless you're roasting an established, public figure, adult asshole, you may never know who you're bullying until it's too late.

5. Go on private mode with a trusted network of friends if you need to. It may not always be fair, but do what works, when it works.

It seems the way to redeem the experience of Tumblr is to just not be passive about how you use it. If you just "Let Tumblr Happen To You," your results may vary. Sometimes you just have to grab the wheel and steer your blog and what you follow into a more positive, purposeful, or individualized direction. Even for those of us who use Tumblr mainly just for laughs and to shoot the shit about memes, I hope these tips can be helpful!

#Tumblr tips #Good times #How to #Tumblr #Twitter

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