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queenofallwitches · 3 years

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an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

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intothewilde · 4 years

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⌠ ellie bamber, 20, cis female, she/her ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, GIORGIA WILDE! according to their records, they’re a FIRST year, specializing in UNDECIDED; and they DID NOT go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of (first edition books, walking in the rain, candy-scented lip gloss, getting lost in a museum, millions of twinkling city lights). when it’s the (sagittarius)’s birthday on 12/13/1999, they always request their CHERRY PIE from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation.

she can’t do shit with knives yet but it’s a great gif, don’t @ me) but DO like this if you want me to hit you up for plots

@gallagherintro

tw: implied neglect, brief mentions of mental illness and addiction

ok! so giorgia was born and raised in new york city. both of her parents came from extremely wealthy families. her mother was a french socialite and her father was the golden boy of a hearst-like (founders/owners of a distinguished publishing conglomerate) family from connecticut. some of his family members claimed to be descendants of one of oscar wilde’s cousins (a rumor that has yet to be confirmed) and he believed he had it in him to become a literary great himself. he seemingly succeeded, having published multiple best sellers popular with young pseudo-intellectuals.

giorgia was never sure if her mother had wanted a daughter or a life-size doll. from a very young age she was primed to fit into high society and paraded around her parent’s lavish parties. most of her time was spent with nannies and violin tutors, studying her father’s poetic heroes, and dancing ballet. she was taught how to socialize with society’s elite, but she never felt comfortable doing so. she felt safer hiding behind her mother or sitting beneath the stairs with her nose in a book.

while her mother wanted her child to be pretty and proper, her father wanted someone to continue his family’s legacy. she learned to read when she was four, and by the time she was five, gio was forced to write in a diary every. single. day. (over the last fifteen years she’s filled up dozens of notebooks that live on a bookshelf in her childhood bedroom). she didn’t particularly like her father and she didn’t want to want what he wanted for her. (did that sentence make sense? i hope so). but she did like to write and she was damn good at it. her poetry was published in online journals and lit mags, her short stories won young artist awards. on the outside, she was everything her parents wanted.

but like i said before, gio struggled with the social part or being a socialite, and the life of an heiress was never something she wanted. she didn’t seem to have the right attitude - she was demure and diffident, a textbook wallflower. she was never happier than when she was reading a book or roaming a museum, always curious about the world around her. she never misbehaved or did anything wrong, but her parents wanted her to behave differently.

their tribeca penthouse always had a certain cold air to it and the high ceilings only seemed to add to the lonely feeling that gio couldn’t escape. her relationship with her parents seemed to become more strained with each passing day. the more she learned about them the more gio realized she didn’t know them at all - the spa retreats her mother went on were really trips to psychiatric facilities and rehabs, and the endless slew of young women her father employed as assistants were all lazily hidden affairs. they never talked about it, if she tried to she was shut down or ignored entirely.

gio grew up wanting to go to nyu. she didn’t know where the dream came from (her parents wanted her to go to vassar or dartmouth) but she loved her home city and something about nyu had always called to her. she was accepted early admission to the gallatin school where she planned to major in an individualized study of creative and dramatic writing.

she loved her freshman year of college. she was finally out of her parents’ home and into a postage stamp of an apartment with an eccentric girl studying theater. she was around people from all over the world and all walks of life instead of the tiny bubble of rich snobs and private schools. she was around people she actually had things in common with. she was still shy and she still found it extremely difficult to talk to people. the easiest way for her to interact with people was to overcompensate for her shyness and be excessively friendly. when she was actually able to talk, she found she had many things to say, and once she started talking it was hard for her to stop.

her roommate was a big fan of movie marathons (in october they watched all of the scream movies, and then all of the saw movies, and then all of the children of the corn movies. that’s twenty horror movies. gio still has nightmares from them). for a few weeks in the fall she had a spy movie marathon. mission: impossible and jason bourne movies, mostly. something about them piqued gio’s interest, and she started reading spy novels, which quickly turned into her writing one of her own. she wanted the protagonist to be a woman for once, and one who’s main personality trait wasn’t tits. her novel, at dawn beneath the bridge of sighs, followed a cia operative and an italia aisi agent who are forced to work together to find the kidnapped daughter of an american diplomat along with the priceless jewelry she was wearing at the time of her capture. (do i know what the fuck im talking about? no!!)

gio comes from a family of publishers so it was fairly easy for her to find someone who wanted to publish it, but the nepotism ended there, the success was all her own. it was lauded as an impressive debut novel and critics praised her subversion of genre tropes and inventive action sequences. but it stuck out to a select few for a different reason - the heroine used tactics uncannily similar to those used by actual spies, and she used them well. some people were curious as to how the character would handle other situations in the spy world, or really how the author would plan it.

so yeah she got a letter from gallagher, and she thought it was a joke at first. she eventually figured out it was very real (how? idk!) and her curiosity got the better of her. she decided it would be good for research, and that she could go back to nyu if she wanted to. once she arrived at gallagher, giorgia... did not know what to do. she had never been so out of her element, and she felt like she was terrible at everything. but that wasn’t really true, all the things you could study for were things she was actually learning. she became determined to actually do well, and as her first year comes to an end, gio still feels extremely unsure of herself, and unsure of where she wants to focus her studies, but she’s starting to feel like gallagher is the right place for her to be.

personality: she’s very sweet, very earnest, sometimes has a tendency to retreat into herself and get quiet, but she still combats her shyness with an outgoing attitude she learned from her mother that takes her far out of her comfort zone. basically as outgoing as an introvert can be. she tries to see the best in everyone and every situation. emphasis on tries, because she’s a total worrier and is often pulled between the desire to find a silver lining and the fear that something horrible will happen. she will give people more chances than they deserve and let them walk all over her. her self esteem can be pretty low, but one thing she is confident about is her writing (although she won’t tell you because she doesn’t want to seem boastful). art and literature in all forms are her favorite things and she could talk about it forever. she’s the kind of person who tries to learn everyone’s names and once she knows it she’ll say hi to you every time she sees you.

other stuff: she’s fluent in french and english and grew up speaking them equally. (she also knows some spanish, italian, german, and russian from her nannies, but she’s not fluent). she has a deep love for photography, usually bringing a camera with her at all times. she can play classic violin and piano, but hasn’t in a while and is probably rusty, she continued to dance until she came to gallagher and no longer had time to practice. she has a cat named pierre (named after pierre-auguste renoir). she's a vegetarian. she’s basically addicted to fruit. she listens to a lot of sad pop music. her favorite colors are blush pink and forest green. she watches a lot jean-luc godard and wes anderson movies. she’s kind of a sad girl/art ho. she gets crushes on people easily and all the time. she is very impressionable, and seems to experience heartbreak often. she just wants someone to lover her for her, you know?

wanted connections: (im super fucking tired so im just gonna write some really basic shit but hopefully i’ll edit it tomorrow).

a best friend: it’s not easy for her to make friends but i want gio to have one person she can truly be herself around. a platonic soulmate, if you will.

friends: really just anyone who is understanding of how she’s not always comfortable talking but will also listen if she starts ranting about queer representation in 20th century poetry and plays, ya feel?

big brother/big sister: because she hated being an only child and she really needs someone looking out for her

bad influence: its not hard to be a bad influence on her but someones gotta do it!

good influence: someone who lets her baby ways rub off on them

idk what to call this but a sort of mutual respect with someone she’s had a class with?

idk what to call this either but someone she really clashes with, they just don’t understand each other

people she knew in nyc: she was there for the first 19 years of her life so if your character was there in early 2019 or any time before that, they could’ve run into each other

someone from a similar background who she can just be like... felt with?

hookups/flings: she loves love but love does not love her

an ex: could be good or bad terms idk

crushes, mutual or unrequited

give me literally anything, the more angst the better!!

#gallagher:intro #it's 2:48 am if this makes no sense or has a million typos please forgive me

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spacebell · 3 years

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i feel the need to rant otherwise i’ll explode and thats not unusual this time of the year

i just feel tired and i want a break, this year has been the weirdest year yet, without taking into account covid and the pandemic and the fact that ive been home with my parents for 7 months now (the longest ive been home since high school).

i graduated from uni earlier this year in march, and i started my masters’ in august and im still feeling ?????????? and i dont enjoy that feeling, and on top of that is the anxiety and social anxiety i constantly feel. ive talked to my parents and my brother about it and the conclusion ive arrived with the help of my brother is that ive been in this existencial crisis for like 3 years now and it has slowly build up over the years, as in i feel in a constant state of anxiety pretty much always and its not fun. i have good days and bad days just as anyone else, but the pandemic might have heightened those feelings. and with me being back home i miss my friends, i miss hanging out with them and just chatting (i do talk to them but sometimes i feel so drained i answer a text and forget to reply for like a week and they do the same and we keep talking as if nothing happen so thats pretty nice)

on the academic aspect of my life, i do love the masters’ program im in, i really really do, its what i wanted to study in my undergrad for starters, but things happened and i ended up studying something i dont really like. so i was fucking happy when i got accepted into this program, and with that came a lot more feelings of doubt (which are pretty common for anyone starting something new, whether its a new job, a new career path or anything else), and im slowly working on that and i need to celebrate my small victories and just think that i graduated with a fucking 4,30 GPA as a chemical engineer and that i never failed a class and that it was one of the highest GPAs from the class. because when i remind myself of that i know i can do it. also, there’s the fact that i want to leave and eventually live somewhere else, and by somewhere else i mean maybe canada, or austria (my dad’s uncle live’s there and i love him and we’ve visited once i want to go back and stay there), or switzerland (im not entirely sure when or why my fixation with the country started but as i research more i want to go there) i think most of it has to do with being around more open minded and accepting people. and right now with covid that dream is a bit harder to accomplish and in order to maybe work on a research project over the summer ill have to be very active and talk to my professors a lot (which im not used to but ill have to force myself to do it). i just want to leave, but its not like my parents are making a bad environment, quite the opposite, they really support me in every way possible and the want the best for me and both of them really love the idea of me leaving or just doing whatever i want (within reason). maybe its because they can understand and get that i feel a bit of an outcast (and im well aware that probably everyone feels like that at some point in their life, mostly in their teenage years, but some people grow out of it, or find themselves, or something, but i feel that im still finding myself and sometimes i cant keep going if im living here)

i sort of had an anxiety attack the other day when my parents and my aunt and uncle were talking about pension plans and how we should start to think about that as soon as we get a job (which i dont have) and how its important to plan for the future and all i could think was “i need to leave this country as soon as possible.” maybe its because im a bit of an idealistic and i want to work on something i actually like and not just work on something i hate

in conclusion, im in an ongoing existencial crisis that has been building up since like 3/4 years ago and i need a break or move far far far away

#i feel much better after writing this out #it gets personal #i need to rant more #letting out my thoughts helps me understand myself and just breathe #mariana writes

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kittyurl · 4 years

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hi my name is ash . i made the first post for all this, and im so happy it grew the way it did. under the cut, i’ve got some info about leo, the cat of the zodiac spirits. give this post a like and i’ll slide in ur dms. (;

tw: neglect, death

backstory:

lee taewoo was born to na mikyung and her husband lee sanghoon in 1996. due to birth complications, mikyung succumbed to internal bleeding just 18 hours later.

sanghoon, knowing he had a zodiac spirit for a son, immediately sought to push the responsibility onto someone else

taewoo bounced from aunts and uncles until he was around six, when his dojo instructor took a liking to him.

sanghoon relinquished all responsibility of taewoo to sensei donghyun, but insists on deciding his fate after he finishes school.

donghyun raised taewoo as his own, despite only being in his late teens. they arranged for taewoo to sleep in the dojo, and that remains his home to this day.

no one knows he sleeps in a training room.

at the age 12, taewoo’s natural grasp of the english language prompted him to adopt and carry the name leo. ( maybe he picked it because he loves titanic and romeo & juliet and leo dicaprio was his first b*y crush )

leo is also especially talented in martial arts, but this didn’t come natural. he puts as much effort into martial arts as he does his school work. perhaps he has an even deeper appreciation for martial arts.

donghyun catches onto this, knowing leo’s natural abilities in school. he becomes nervous that leo wants to drop out of high school and try to pursue martial arts professionally.

donghyun decides he must distance himself from his prodigy, leaving at 14 and promising to not return until leo graduates.

without another choice, leo focuses on school to make his sensei proud.

he still trains on the side, hoping he can one day duel his way into the inner circle of the zodiac spirits.

leo sees his biological father often but they have tarnished relationship

the only real source of love he has is donghyun, but even he chose to leave for a few years.

leo holds out faith that his mother would have loved him, but he doesn’t share that with anyone

personality:

leo has a fiery temperament because hes so used to defending himself

underneath it all, he has the purest heart of all. he just wants to experience unconditional love for once in his life.

he holds his cards close to the chest but he does show a lot more affection to those who make an effort to get to know him

leo is bisexual, and he learned after participating in high school soccer ( poor dude )

excited to finally be a part of a team, he tried out and made the team. he was talented, but he quickly ran into a problem.

during a private scrimmage, he embraced teammates after a scored goal

morphing into a cat, he realized this confirmed what he knew all along.

memories were wiped and leo left the soccer team.

leo loves history and is choosing to get his phD.

he wants to prolong his schooling because he knows he’ll be locked up by his father once he’s graduated

he studies very diligently and enjoys his small collection of books.

leo is an aries so he’s full of passion, enjoys a good bit of attention from the people he likes, can be incredibly chaotic and an emotion bomb

he has a lot of energy and half the time he has no idea where to direct it

is probably doing 4 things at once rn

yes, he fights often

he is challenging you to a fight right now, step up pussy

fun facts:

enjoys spending time with his kitty friends more than anyone knows. he acts like its irritating but he relates to cats. he admires that they’re feisty but they’re affectionate.

might dye his hair in the future ? white cat anyone ??

hates rain

loves high places

actually a lot more socially confident than he realizes ?? like holy shit he can be magnetic

his ears turn red when he’s flustered

develops crushes easily but will NOT snitch on himself like that

clumsy ........... but makes it work for him

drinks coffee and tea religiously, interchangeably.

would write books and own a dojo if he could choose his future

would.... also wanna have significant other because hes kind of a sap secretly.

“firsts” & connections:

first kiss

first crush

first friend

childhood playmate

first relationship ( ill take anything from awkward to angst )

past relationship(s)

first sexual encounter ( with whichever gender )

past sexual encounter(s)

first heartbreak

someone he can bicker with

an enemy

someone who’s like family

someone who wants to understand him

#sohmaintro

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inkskinned · 6 years

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literally just a dumb unorganized list of school tips

source: im a grad student. i’ve had a lot of school. also i’m adhd & mentally ill and require +8 organization. this is mostly directed @ college students, but maybe high school students can use it too, fuck, idk, it’s been forever since i was stuck in that hell hole

just say “professor” either ur using the correct title for a person (will make them feel good) or you’re giving them a bigger title on the assumption they deserve it (which will make them feel good) and also prevents having to ever i mean ever use their names

talk at least 1 time a week in each class, aim for 1 time a day. even lecture classes. i fucking hate talking in front of more than 5 people, so what i would do is prepare a question about the hw/etc (even if i didn’t need it answered) to ask the professor after class so they saw me and got used to me and saw i was invested in their class. about 89% of teachers - if they see you try, they will pass you. i mean it’s literally that easy. i know people who went from like a c- but because they legit tried, their grade got bumped up to a b-.

if u have to bring a laptop, pre-download the required material/screenshot it, and then turn off your wifi. it’s too easy to not listen.

physical writing will always give you more information recall over typing.

nobody cares about stupid shit anymore trust me they don’t remember that you were accidentally locked in a towel out of your room bc they have their own dumb shit that happened.... in college all the “cringe culture” turns into “god i wish that were me” culture ... wear ur onesie to a party trust me you make +800 friends and 799 of them will be girls telling you you’re adorable and they’d die for you

about locking urself out.... if ur like me and can breeze past post-it notes placed in obvious areas, don’t be a dumb bitch and rely on post-it-notes. while most schools offer 1 free lockout, dont rely on it - it once took 2 hours before someone could get to me. i was in a towel, which meant no phone. so like. anyway, what i do now is i put something on the handle of the door i have to open/unlock. i can’t just open the door w/out the thing falling down and making a loud “you dumb bitch unlock the door before u shower” sound.

this works for all important don’t-forget it things. other obstacles i’ve used to remind myself to do something include: putting a chair with my wholeass posterboard in front of the door, an entire printer with a single piece of paper that just read “for the love of god check to be sure you have that essay”, and a recycling bin i kept forgetting to empty. guess what bitch finally emptied the bin once it was between me and a swift exit!

no offense and like the whole “it’s the best years of your life!” thing is great but in reality everything goes better scholastically when you treat it as “i came here to win, not to make friends.” i still did make friends, went to parties every weekend, was popular enough i’d be invited to several on one night - but i came there to win. when i put my scholastic life and my mental health first, i went from a 2.0 to a 3.98. yes you can, bitch.

you’re spending the money. don’t squander it. trust me when i say i know plenty of people who breeze through, bc you often can. but like. don’t. challenge yourself bc like. talk about an investment.

if you hate your major, change it. don’t make your life something you can’t stand. on that note, do NOT agree 100% to a track until you have at least some experience in the field. i cannot tell u how many ppl i know who got their whole masters/phd program done, walked into their new profession, and were like, Oh Fuck, I Can’t Live Like This.

college literally offers so many free things and if you’re not taking advantage of them whenever possible i get it but like. try to take advantage of them. this is everything from your gym (which probably has free classes dude) to clubs to like. sober events. these sober events are so ... fuckin good dude i’ve made mason jars with little plants in em... bee aviaries... candles.... go to the free stuff

oh ps on free stuff i wanna say about 4 of 5 days there’s free food on campus just look for things like job fairs, presentations, or discussion groups. also while you’re there at the job fair like. u know, go to the job fair in earnest

i took off 2 years to work and also to just. recover from my bullshit. and it took me 6 years and 3 schools to get my bachelor’s. it wasn’t easy but bitch i lived. there’s no such thing as “too long” to graduate if that’s truly what you want to do.

if on the meal plan, eat as clean as you can the first week. then introduce each part of the cafeteria’s possibly-food-poisoning-creating foods one at a time. give @ least 2 days between each experiment so you know for sure if you get sick what caused it. i literally never eat meat at school but you can still get sick off of unwashed lettuce/salad dressing that hasn’t been refrigerated properly/weirdass things you won’t even think of. this prevents like. dying in a public bathroom.

white loaf bread can be gross & boring. discount bakery section for your slightly chewy artisianal bread needs. if overstale, either toast it or dunk it into water and microwave it (unless u got an oven. use the oven if u can)

steal as many apples from the dining hall/events/etc as physically possible just do it they keep FOREVER and @ some point you’ll be like. fUCK i need a nutrition. ps if you’re keeping them in ur backpack (i wouldn’t keep more than 2) make sure to wrap w/a few paper towels so if you drop your bag you don’t get apple mush

write it all down bitch. “i’ll remember it” no you won’t. unless you are capable of remembering every idea on this list and in order, you won’t remember it. in general, if you write something 3 times, you will recall it correctly at least 80% of the time. i also read it out loud to myself, bc, you know, auditory recall

DO NOT just put your assignment at the top of your notes, unless you’re 100% sure that will work for you. in most cases, it’s much better to have a planner/agenda/place you expect to look for assignments. +7 points if you lie to yourself about deadlines and move them all up.

like not to sound too much like a DARE ad but like. if you don’t like it/don’t want it, don’t fuckin do it. the idea that “there’s nothing to do if you don’t party” is such bullshit. like i promise if you’re like “i am a grouch and want to stay in and binge netflix” about 45 ppl will show up in pjs like “bitch fullscreen it, im a grouch too.” there’s also like. the chance to just.... not overindulge. on wednesdays i have “wine wednesdays” where we sit around and drink a glass of wine while we do our hw. it’s chill and friendly instead of like. drink until u vomit. don’t feel like you either gotta slam the breaks or the gas pedal, is what i mean.

PLEASE know the signs of alcohol poisoning/overdose. most schools have a “Safety Always Matters Most” policy, which means that you can call for help w/out getting into trouble. if you think someone is in danger, act. this also goes for making sure ppl get home safe even if they’re just incapacitated, not poisoned. step in, dudes.

also just. notice when ur starting to rely on stuff too much. i’m super easily addicted to things, so i keep a healthy distance from liquor. i don’t let myself “drink to feel better” bc that’s a scary, scary thing to link to feeling better. if you or somebody u know starts drinking all the time/gets anxious if they don’t drink/drinks in the daytime .... get help. schools have counselling services for a reason.

you’re gonna get a cold/flu of some sort in the first 2 months just brace for it. in the meantime, drink vitamin c, try not to touch too many handles, and when people say “there’s something going around” believe them.

watch kaplan nike just do it

if you can teach it, you know the material. a super good way of knowing if you studied the right way is to try and teach the material to a stuffed animal/imaginary class.

“i don’t know how to study” bitch me too the fuck. this is usually bc we’ve been taught that studying is just sitting down and staring @ ur notes. it’s not. it’s different for everyone, and you need to understand it’s 99% preventative care. if you don’t go to the class or do the homework, studying is going to fucking suck, bc you’re learning the material all at once for the first time. the place you should consider “studying” is “i’m confident in 70-90% of the material, but need to review.” do not let yourself fall behind .... just go to office hours and ask questions if ur not getting something. studying should feel like you’re remembering what you already knew but kinda forgot, not like you’ve been blindsided.

the whole “writing it down in ur own words” while u have been told this 700 times it really helps bc it means u gotta translate it through your own understanding. if you can’t, and it’s not bc the material seems too obvious to you to state in another way - ask yourself if you don’t understand the material. chances are u are missing a bit of info.

i know it’s like A Thing that Some People do but i never had the mental health points for it but i know some people just take 15 minutes after every class to review their notes. since i’m 100% early to every class ever, obnoxiously so, i try to do it before class. having the last class’s notes up in my head super helps. like. put down the phone i know you’re socially anxious me too but review those notes. chances are if u start flipping through pages other ppl will too. this is also fun bc as soon as you start this whole thing, at least one person will be like “is there a test?” no bitch there’s no test but im gonna be ready when there is!

literally so much of success is fucking posturing i could link about 800 peer-edited studies that show that when a student is expected to do well (and knows they are), they do well. like i literally didn’t change my appearance at all, never bothered to look nice (once winter hits i wear 67 layers all the time), but when i showed up after my 2 years off from school, i presented myself with the whole “i came here to win” vibe and people... really respected me? i mean in hs i remember ppl saying shit like “yeah, well, you aren’t gonna have the homework”. by the time i was in college i had an honest-to-god conversation which included someone being like “so tell me what you’re overachieving at right now” like they just expected it from me. wild.

i live by “bite off more than you can chew, and then CHEW IT” but it’s probably unhealthy. the truth is that i have a lot of energy all the time (lmao adhd!!!) and i used to get told i was “trying too hard” and for a long time (still???) i didn’t (i don’t?) know what that was, you know, bc i had a D average, clearly i wasn’t trying. it turns out i was just. putting all my energy into stuff that wasn’t making me happy like toxic friendships etc. when i decided “nope, all this energy is for me and my schoolwork”..... uhhhhh suddenly i was a golden child and everyone praised my try-hardness ... it’s a fuckt up system tbh

take at least 1 class just for fun. i try to do that every semester. it helps break up all the requirements. if you’re like an engineer and got no time or credits left to spend, try to audit your fun course.

make ur advisor love you i don’t care what it takes make them cupcakes show up to thank them i dONT CARE just do it

the library isn’t always the best place. if i start getting anxious bc i pavlovian train myself that library=work, i find a new place to go to do hw. try to go outside if you can!!! not like where i live bc like it’s snow all the time but try. a little green really really really helps depression.

if you’ve been in the same “Studying” place for 1 hour and haven’t done anything the chances are Something Isn’t Right. first, look @ ur body. are you not focusing bc of some pressing physical need? sometimes just taking a shower and coming back helps. are you uncomfy? are you too comfy and going to sleep? if body okay, look @ the material. do you not understand it? do you just need to switch to a new topic for a little bit? can you find a youtube video that will help you better understand it? make notes on what you don’t get so you can ask in the next class. if it’s not the material, it’s not ur bod, check the Actual Space. sometimes just getting up, going for a short walk to a new place, and trying it there actually? really works? if none of this is working.... try ur brain next. hardest to reset bc like, what, turn it on and off again? i use things like caffeine, a short workout, a nap, or a podcast all to just... give me a little boost.

don’t be afraid to leave. i mean this about class, friend groups, and the college ur at. just get up on outta there if ur not feelin it. i cannot recommend “drop the class” enough. even if it’s a required course see if u can switch the times if u hate the professor day 3 it’s not gonna get better just get the fuCK out

don’t nap in the same position u go to sleep in, nap upside down w/ur head away from ur pillow. don’t ask me why but it works to 1. fall asleep faster 2. make sure u sleep okay at night and 3. wake up less annoyed

on that note don’t ever do anything in ur bed in a sleeping position unless it’s genuinely sleeping in it. body will get confused. just sit up, lazybones.

when/if the library has those therapy dogs during finals week.... just go pet them make the time for it

ask before hugging people, but don’t expect a “yes”

get a backpack that fits and doesn’t hurt ur back u fuckin hippie idc how cool it is to wear ur backpack super low just don’t do it it’s not worth it

the tutoring center is a fucking goldmine.... free essay edits my dudes

bring a fan dorms are always hotter than u expect

switch dorms if u can if u realize ur in the wrong room/wrong roomate like just don’t bother with nonsense

when in doubt, follow preschool rules. tell ppl when they did something cool, just ask when u need help, and be confident even in your mistakes, because at least u tried

#anyway

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abyss-mal-blog1 · 5 years

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current mind-space//word vomit

it’s amazing how much can change in a few days, but it hasn’t been a week since my finals ended and i already felt so different. i have been doing f45 everyday this week (if not then some kind of workout, but i’ve really been into that recently). i am feeling so much better now without deadlines, sometimes i don’t know if i function better under pressure or not. i guess not, but then it’s amazing how much i can do and achieve under pressure. i need the right amount of pressure, and this semester it has been a little difficult for me to get around that.

last friday was kinda my last day of finals, i just had an essay to submit, and i am disappointed in myself and my work ethic because i submitted it at 9pm, went to my cousin’s (disappointing) party, and then professor emailed me to say that she cannot read Pages format (seriously smh @ my tardiness!!!), only got back at 1am that night and sent my mediocre essay. i am a little sad about it because i know that is not my 100%. idk why but college so far has just been a series of 80% effort. this paper was an interesting one, on airbnb, on the sharing economy, it’s a performance studies paper where i analyze the hospitality platform in terms of host-user relationship, parasitism and (attempted) to talk about free online labor. it is a little too late now but i kinda want to work on it again and like, submit for feedback. maybe ill ask taylor.

last saturday was kinda meh, i agreed to go to a *social* kinda event at a bar/club at chelsea, held for Asian-ivy-alumni-people that yanlin invited me too. it was at up&up and honestly a little...i didn’t enjoy it at all. the music sucked, the people were either too dorky or gross or old or weird, and the whole time i just kept saying to myself, “never again”. they said it was open bar but they only served absolut, which was shit. and then my friend’s two friends were...i feel sorry that this was their first clubbing experience. at the beginning my reaction was look at all these ivy alumni! get hitched with one of them for ~da connectsx~ (and nothing else) but no kidding i was actually interested in talking to them just to get to know what people who graduated from ivies are up to, and what are they doing at such events...and are they actually enjoying themselves because it was really kinda gross. met my friend’s friend who seemed like a really smart engineer (he asked for my number the next day lol), and a german dude at the bar who didn’t want to get me a drink. all i needed that night was a drink.....(i’m glad i didn’t drink tho because recently drinking has made me feel all kinds of bad) we had ramen after at ramen-ya (most probably the worst ramen and charsiew i’ve had but what can we do at 3am and my friend wanted noodle and soup...)

on sunday i KNow i should have left my house earlier to workout but i didn’t. i was angry at myself that i didn’t. instead, i stayed at home and emotion-ate. i must have eaten more green bean soup than my stomach would have liked. what else...avocado? i remember..two bananas? god. this was the day i felt like i was n’s boyfriend because i had to do what she wanted to do. i know i had agreed on going, but at that point i really wanted to go thrifting or something. i mean when i got to central park it was fine and things were good but the whole day just felt like i was kinda pulled into doing something that wasn’t my first choice of plans, not that i didn’t enjoy myself lying under the sun at the park. it just felt like i was accompanying someone. i was half an hour late to meet her as well, and half heartedly got a burrito-wrap at newsbar. if you think about it it is really kinda funny, we’re just buying food and taking the subway to this grass patch 50 blocks away. we didn’t walk much, we literally only stayed at a little grassy slope overlooking the baseball pitch. anyway we went to a dance class after (the class was an hour long but i felt like n had asked me about when and what time we should book the classes for more than an hour by text so i just got really sick of it) i rushed home and got dinner with my uncle who’s in town for my cousin’s graduation. i was surprised that he chose the same japanese restaurant again, after dissing it half a year ago we ate here. the omakase was crazy and it cost 230 per person. (for the most expensive set) it was also kinda dumb because you aren’t allowed to order a different omakase set from anyone else - everyone on the table has to order the same - because of “timing”. i wonder if this is how it is in japanese omakase etiquette, but in any case it really earned them a hefty amount because my uncle decided to get 230 for all of us. qiyang didn’t like and said qiqi had bad taste, hahaha. the food wasn’t bad, i mean it’s japanese fusion, but the prices were way too steep for the taste. anyway enough about the food, during the dinner i think we talked about many things though. i kinda wanted to talk to my uncle individually because i think he is the only one who knows about ah gong, but he was sick, and i could tell he was exhausted. my aunt got a little impatient because i didn’t arrange plans to take their furniture and they were going to throw all of them away and it was actually the first time i’ve seen her get so worked up - but at the same time trying to control her emotions - because she was talking to me. i could tell she was annoyed though but i tried not to take it personally, and arranged it tomorrow.

arranging the moving stuff was kinda last minute, i was walking to the library for work one day and i saw a truck that said MakeSpace. i assumed it was a kind of moving company and so i looked them up. they seemed to be pretty okay in terms of their services and so i decided to try them out. confirmation and setting up an appointment went pretty smoothly, except for the part where the guy i think his name was joseph, asked me to give my credit card details over the phone. idk why i did that! i stopped though, and asked him why, to which he replied he wanted to key in with the coupon code. this service has so much gimmicks within the first 2-3 minutes on the phone he was already telling me about how the first pick up is free, and that he will deduct 100$ off the first month...when people give you discounts too easily it just feels like a ploy and a thing they give to everyone, it’s not anything special and it’s probably calculated inside whatever we have to pay. anyway, i was just thinking it would be cheaper (assuming the maximum that i would have to pay is ~$500, as i confirmed with them on the phone yesterday), it’d still be cheaper than starting an apartment lease now and going through the trouble of finding two subletters.

well. idk, it’s also easy to have things all moved in, i have to find a place to store my perishables!

moving is so much work, and storing things. this reminds me of my paper on airbnb and about the digital nomad lifestyle. it is interesting though, that this is what it has become. but the homogenized aesthetic is something i really cannot stand, in airbnb, in coffeeshops around the world..i am sure you know what i’m talking about. a new york times writer did something about this - he termed it “Airspace” - and apparently it originated from Brooklyn. I guess that’s where the art/avant-garde stuff started. well. keep a look out im gonna write a blogpost about that

moving on

nat came to sleepover on sunday night and a few days after because the school kicks you out of the dorms you pay so much for right after your final ends. i forgot if we did something fun but i probably just fell asleep.

on monday i think i went to f45 and did cardio at Dumbo with Gi. he seems like a pretty nice trainer, the first time i went it was him and another girl Bertha (i think my first f45 was last tuesday) and i felt like i had two personal trainers with me - Gi was cheering me on and Bertha was doing it with me. it felt like such a good workout, one of the best ive had in a while. then work, where i arranged the movers stuff. i also realized i bought the wrong date for my flight ticket as my friends and had to buy one more...............

tuesday was the same f45 in the morning, and the bobst after. didn’t really get much work done at bobst. oh i also viewed a 3BR flex at 160. hella expensive and small, and dates didn’t work out anyway. also the broker who brought us to view the apartment was a very nice tall french man and his name was jean-francois which i couldn’t pronounce and asked nat but still called him jean as in jeen instead of john. this is why i have to learn french. you’re embarrassing. i also went to the itp/ima spring show with shubham which was super cool. there were many cool ideas, and i just wonder if i could create something like that. i didn’t get to see all of the exhibits which i regret, but i remember a few notable projects. one was an installation made with keyboards that randomly clicks, but when you hold your phone up it’ll stop. it’s made using 3d gestures. there’s also one at a gallery for surveillance, this team had a thing they call facebox, and it’s literally a box, that when you open it has a webcam that would capture your face, find you on facebook, and print out an invoice/receipt on how much you have earned for this giant tech company. what else...an AR project that when you scan a food, it shows you where the food comes from. nat said that she would love it if menus have something they could scan and then have pictures appear in ~holographic~ format, or maybe in the nearer future something on your phone that shows you a picture of the picture of the food. but isn’t it a surprise tho? sometimes the fun’s in the surprise, you read the description, you know what are the foods you’ll eat, leaving room to imagine or be surprised by how the chef puts it together! anyway, went for dinner with nat and jenny - got vegan shwarma (definitely wasn’t worth $14) and went to get crepes with will after.

wednesday we were gonna go to the dmv but we weren’t prepared. nat also needed to get her passport and she was lazy. wow the number of times i mentioned her, it feels like she’s my boyfriend at this point. talked to famz, sister, and beatrix. am currently considering if i should even go to beijing or just go straight home. fuck. went to bobst for work but no one was there i was just really sleepy. viewed an apartment at 55 morton (it’s a nice quiet residential street that seems to be tucked away from the loud cars and bars and people) then i went to f45 again-varsity!!! cardio!!!, walked across brooklyn bridge (a little regret although i wanted to walk, but my bag was heavy and there were too many tourists to brisk walk)

also the reason for this is that after my soba/miso/salad/shrimp dinner last night i was just watching a bunch of netflix shows and it was probably the caffeine from puerto rican roasting company - the barista made me a chai cappuccino with almond milk (3 SHOTS!!!)

me and nat couldn’t sleep, i really think i slept for an hour. i watched so many different shows, yoko and john’s documentary, while we were young, anthony bourdain, i was seriously flipping through all the shows and alternating between amazonprme and youtube and netflix and i even tried watching peaceful cuisine and making the brightness lower and had the sleep mode on and wow i just couldn’t sleep

so yeah the birth of this word vomit

i am going to create more things

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hcrris · 5 years

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can ….. i come in ????? have been watching unbreakable kimmy schmidt for 3 hours pretending time isnt passing , life isnt real and in fact.. i am dreaming (-: lajdfksl hey <3 im jay im 21 and i love those instagram profiles of hamsters in little clothes ( when they got little purses? ???? dont talk to me im cryin. ) below u will find info about jane harris aka literally the vine of the little kid scribbling hard like his life depended on it. shes a mess ?? but a semi enjoyable mess. a mess with good intentions. if u want to establish some connections, LIKE THIS and i will come annoy u <3 alternatively u can ease my social anxiety and msg me here or through my discord sencha tea#4035 (و ˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و♡

( lily collins, cis female, she/her. ) — jane harris has been a medina complex resident for three years, now. they’re twenty-three years old, and they tend to avoid making eye contact. sometimes when i walk by B06, i hear cherry-coloured funk by cocteau twins playing. lately, i’d say they’re pretty effervescent, but sometimes that’s overwhelmed by the fact that they’re neurotic. i mean, they usually pay their rent on time, though, and that’s most important fact here.

repeatedly fixing the apartment number on the door when it swings down to a nine, a split moment of shadow after the radiance of laughter, carl sagan’s pale blue dot, a life of frequent minor accidents, constant hunger for balance overshadowed by emotional turbulence.

🇧🇦🇨🇰🇬🇷🇴🇺🇳🇩

TW ALCOHOLISM EMOTIONAL ABUSE DEPRESSION & ANXIETY !!!!! ok moving on

her parents met in art school in paris.. her mom is french and studied art history while her dad was an exchange student from california with a skewed artist mentality. it was that saccharine, toxic sort of love. her mom always felt like she needed to be the guardian angel in the relationship who would always hold him up when he was feeling down and he was feeling down….. a lot. because she was putting all that energy to save her relationship, she was drowning too but never enough to walk away. there was a lot of love there but it was twisted and uncomfortable at times

when they found out jane was on the way, it felt like they needed to suddenly grow up. her mom was ready to make changes, adapt to the new lifestyle. her dad, on the other hand, urged they rethink if this is what they want but he didn’t push for abortion.. he understood it was jane’s mothers choice to make and reassured that he would be there for the both of them no. matter. what.

but ??? the reality was he felt trapped by the idea of a child and he struggled to acknowledge and accept how quickly his life was flipping upside down and how he lost all control of it. he wanted to travel around europe ???? soak in nature, daydream and make art . but jane’s mom wanted to settle. instead of embarking on adventures after graduating, they decided to move to california.

things just seemed to fall apart like domino from then on. janes mom was lead astray.. thinking that what california would bring them was stability but instead, it was all chaos. they rushed to get married .. turned out janes father wasnt on good terms with his parents. he was irresponsible financially, put both his parents in huge debt, was blinded by his ego to ever realise his mistakes. lied constantly .. convincing janes mom that there’s light going forward. that once he finds a sponsor for his art .... once he sells his first piece ... once they see in him what he always saw in himself , he was going to make it right. and he reassured he would make it right for jane.

janes mom was so pathetically in love that she pushed through .. living in a sort of imagined world, believing that things were better than they actually were. and her dad was good at persuading that narrative. he would come home with a pocketful of cash and the bills paid. oftentimes, it was all an act. his art wasn’t selling and a lot of what he bragged about was borrowed or stolen. behind the curtain, he was absent and unmotivated. he would come home in the evening claiming that the whisky breath was celebratory but in reality, he was complaining to the barman two blocks away about how his life feels monotone .. like a french black and white movie.

the day of jane’s birth was a whole mess. her father decided to drive her mother to the hospital, knowing he had one too many. they were caught for speeding and while janes dad spent the night at a nearby station for driving under influence, her mom was at the back of a cop car, crying for one too many reasons .. jane decided to hang on for a little while longer and was born at 3am the following night. cradled in her mothers arms and her dads voice humming on the line

jane would only ever hear the romanticised version of this story from her mother. this ??? fucked up sense of security that no matter what, love conquers all. that love means supporting each other, loving each other extra when everything else falls apart. but truth is.. her mother was forced to give up her own dreams, lost all connections to her past, worked days and nights at a nursing home to support her family and pitch in to her husbands alcoholism while she’s at it. making excuses that jane was too young to contradict. all while the only source of happiness for her father was the haziness of his evenings, when he felt like floating and he could barely hold onto to his paintbrush. he was a stranger living in their basement .. more than he was ever a father

growing up, jane watched her mother mask her depression. carry empty bottles out from the basement, trying to hide it from jane .. it brought her shame. she was doing the same thing to jane that he was doing to her for all these years .. consistently expressing a certain attitude, this unwavering satisfaction for the life they are living and so ... it hardens. you start to believe it. except unlike her mother, jane was observant.. she had other lives around her to compare to her own, voices of reason that pierced through the skewed perception her mother drilled into her skull. when jane grew into her skin, she felt so ... disgusted and angry. she tried to pull her mother out of her fantasy but nothing worked.

through her high school years, she felt helpless .. her home life was a nightmare and she made every possible attempt to stay out of it for as long as possible. she took on jobs and extracurriculars .. stayed at her friends’ house until she couldn’t. and she would think.. think so hard, she would start crying. pushing her own problems away .. in her head, she would imagine herself in a different skin, a different place. it was the only way she could calm her breathing. only to have to battle the same thoughts the following morning

after graduating high school, jane went to community college for product management got a job offering after her placement at a big company and moved out shortly after ( and MOVED IN to medina... can i get a yee yee ) .. she got insurance for the first time in her life and eats too many of free pizza slices at work to save up on groceries every week <3

she doesn’t visit her parents bc she no longer feels like her mother is on her team. she’s lived a maddening and terribly draining life and living alone has brought her deserving peace.. although she’d rather keep contact with her mother to a minimum, its obvious that jane is her mothers anchor. if she feels as though her daughter is not fighting for her, she breaks down.. as much as jane wants to run away from her past, it always seems to catch up

if ur still reading literally who are u lafjdkl. ill be done schoon ..... oof

🇨🇭🇦🇷🇦🇨🇹🇪🇷 🇹🇷🇦🇮🇹🇸

if they are friends ... jane. will. talk. ur. ear. off. but probably not for the right reasons lol .. she has never been assessed by a professional, isn’t taking any treatment but she definitely needs it :( shes a chronic overthinker.. the voice in her head keeps chattering away most of the time which gets a little nauseating. she hates silence and feels like she needs to fill it with words. she often says the wrong things .. to the wrong people ... at the WRONG time and she is very aware of it. its the culprit for her self doubt and struggle to open up emotionally to the people shes close to. shes very critical towards herself, she micro analyses everything from the way she acts, the way she looks and what she says. shes also not a fan of confrontation !!!!!!!BUT!!!!!!!!!!!

she is a FIREBALL when she stands up for others. i dont know how she hasnt gotten into a physical fight yet. she would literally rip ur side mirror off ur car if u didnt wait for an old lady to cross the street. is intense in every possible way. if shes angry, shes angry and impulsive and out of control, when she is in love, she feels it in her bones and simultaneously wants to rip her hair out, when she’s passionate about something, she is persistent until she isn’t and when she loses motivation, everything feels bleak .. theres never any emotional balance, even though she fights so hard for it every day

likes sci fi movies .. literally when they are Floating in space ???? SIGN! JANE! THE! FUCK! UP! letterboxd is probably her favorite app. sometimes she will post a review, read it over and over, find something wrong with what she said and then delete it. shes very neurotic. she either has good days where she can comfortably be herself or bad days, when it feels like everyone is judging her every move when in reality. ... it is always .. all in her head.

and she is mostly in her head. she creates fantasies of her life, relationships platonic and romantic and as a result, nothing ever seems to measure up. she feels secure in her fantasies but oftentimes when it hits her that they are just that, fantasies, she ... feels really alone.

will trip over her own feet . has like 5 bruises from washing the dishes </3

she works as a part of a product design team in a big company.. probably has the knowledge to move up the tier but does not have the courage to stand up for herself . she doesnt believe in herself and is kind of a pessimist .......

got high one night and decided she wants to start an uber ....... only for women. but doesnt think its a good ide a (its a good idea. id like to think in 10 years time ... bitch made it)

really weird. likes eating broad beans and frozen strawberries .. will literally eat a lemon.

she will have different interests every week but never seems to be any good at anything ???????????? makes her sad.

claims tidying up with marie kondo changed her life LAKJDSKLDJ

*draws curtains* anybody else tired?

#mediocre.intro #»-.-°-ỽ-⸰-ｓｈｕｔ-ｕｒ-ｔｒａｐ-⸰-ỽ-°-.-«#4 hrs ago : yea ...... i could finish this intro in like 2 hours :) why not. whats gonna stop me ???? writing doesnt take that long.#it takes literally ?? 2 miliseconds. lol .......#im shtupid !!!!! have to take a shower. this is longer than all shakespeare plays combined.#if u read this im manifasting a good year for u.

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warmau · 6 years

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{Special} College!AU IU

this was commissioned! | check out my other college!aus here *ill be addressing iu as jieun in this au

major: literature | concentration: publishing

minor: music composition

sports: n/a

clubs: head of the book review club on campus, part of several social justice groups, volunteers at a children’s shelter on the weekends

jieun is probably the most well respected senior in the literature department,,,

and it half has to do with the fact that she’s so naturally talented - born with this amazing ability to articulate critique and edit like a goddamn machine

but the other half is her work-ethic, her organized and level headed “never give up!” attitude

and even though she doesn’t indulge much in appearances, it’s hard to not say that she’s also breathtakingly beautiful

with this aura of something almost,,,regal,,, in her warm, welcoming brown eyes

dashing from one class to the other, backpack covered in pins with slogans supporting women’s rights and anti-capitalist agends

she’s got her hair up in a messy bun, a pen sticks out from behind her ear

and in just simple jeans, a cute t-shirt - sometimes her glasses on or stuck at the bottom of her bag

she still manages to be considered a campus goddess

but she brushes that off, what matters to her is her major - her future, bright career in publishing

her participation in marches, rallies, - always giving up her free time to volunteer

because jieun knows what it’s like to have very little - even sometimes nothing

and that to beat her way up to the top she has to work for it - and be selfless

her friends can barely ever pull her out to just hangout

jieun: “if i have time on my hands, i cant spend it sitting in a cafe giggling over tv shows or idols - i need to go out and help someone!”

suzy: “ok wonder woman sit down and have some damn salad with me, then you can fly off to save the world, ok?”

even with her strong will and humility, jieun still has super cute little quirks about her

she’s not the most graceful person when it comes to doing physical things,,, so if she’s running somewhere it is common to see her trip

she’s on several occasions gotten lost in the city and had to text people to google where she is LOL

her guitar string was once untuned and she didn’t even notice, striking a cord that could be heard through her entire dorm

the RA on her floor is always like “jieun, someone told me you left your backpack in the commons again?”

sometimes she doesn’t realize she’s whistling to a melody she likes in the library

and these things just make her all the more approachable and likable really

even if jieun herself, a senior, still gets worked up about having to talk to new underclassmen

basically she’s totally good at college, has more internships under her belt than most publishing majors, genuinely loves and has a passion for publishing

but she’s also 100% the type to go to the movies alone, but forget all her money in her dorm LOL

and since jieun is a senior, she’s buried in applications and essays for graduate school

which you, being her underclassman, can’t even begin to imagine yet

but, as much as jieun is rather timid with new people

she’s very very open and loving with people she considers close friends

and you had actually met her through suzy, who’d come to like you after you helped her out in one of her elective classes

she’d introduced you to jieun, and since you and jieun shared the same ‘never give up!’ attitude (and music taste interestingly enough)

you guys,,,clicked

at first jieun was a bit tense, as if she was trying to figure out your borders before she got too close

but soon enough - it came to light that you and jieun were affectionate, loving friend types

meaning that unlike chic suzy, you and jieun had an appreciation for holding hands or linking arms - long hugs, resting each others heads on each other shoulders

even kisses on the cheek became a norm

“sometimes you two act like a couple”

was the overarching notion about you and jieun,,,,,even though you guys always insisted it was strictly platonic

to be honest,,,,jieun had once ruffled your hair and said to someone “they’re like a younger sibling - well no,,,,,like a very close friend who i trust with everything!”

at the time you were over the moon to be called a ‘very close friend’ because this was lee jieun

she was the student everyone dreamed to be, the girl with a face everyone dreamed to be born with

and she felt comfortable enough to put her arm around you, to hug you long and close, to fall across your lap while you two studied on her bed

sometimes you’d meet up with her after her weekend volunteer gigs and she’d just run out, grabbing your hand on instinct

“do you want to eat at a stall or go back to campus?!”

she’d ask, cute smile and all

and you don’t know when exactly you started ,,,, kind of HATING the ‘very close friend’ label

maybe it was when you looked up from your computer, jieun sitting across from you with her hair in a high pony tail and her glasses perched on the end of her nose

her lips parted in thought

and your first instinct was to lean over and kiss her

maybe it was when you heard her humming, fingers flipping the pages of her magazine

and you realized,,,,her voice,,,was the most beautiful one you’d ever heard in your life

maybe when she pulled you in for a hug, resting her face against the side of your neck

the warmth passed between you like a blanket you never wanted to climb out of

“im so tired, graduate school stuff is so draining,,,”

she’d mumbled and your heart felt as if a sharp nail had been pushed right through it

right, she’s graduating

any one of those moments could have sent your emotions into overdrive

but you were only sure of one thing definitely, and that was that you could not tell jieun how you felt

her skinship, her openess and trust in you

it was too valuable to lose

even as the days dwindled and the winter semester crawled closer and closer to it’s end

you kept your feelings inside

and it seemed as if jieun didn’t notice, she continued holding your hand when you walked to class together

you continued to get teased by others for being too lovey dovey

you continued to watch jieun grow toward her goal - study hard, help others and get ready for her future

her future outside of this school, maybe even outside of this city - of this province

and as much as you felt you had your love for her under control

you still found yourself up at night, looking at the glowing phone of your screen where photos of you two pressed cheek to cheke

made your head spin and your heart do flips

her instagram full of pictures of her with her publishing mentors, her fellow volunteers, it all made it more daunting

that jieun was living by your side for now - but that reality was going to end,,,,,soon

and clutching your chest you had felt tears well up countless nights - knowing the person you loved was soon to start a journey far far away from you

you don’t notice you’re doing it, but everyone else

your subconscious shying away from jieun to protect yourself

pulling away from hugs faster, making excuses as to why you couldn’t see her after book review club or class

and jieun, who had never been much confrontational in her life, didn’t know what to do about it

thankfully,,,,,suzy did

and she’d cornered you outside of the library with an intense gaze

“i know how you feel about jieun.”

you averted your gaze, but suzy’s held strong

“and you better tell her before she’s really gone. you know she’s going to be unstoppable in graduate school. she’s going to study abroad, she’s going to meet people - and you’re going to stay her friend but i know that’s not what you want.”

she motions for your phone and you hand it to her, powerless against her energy

she types something out and presses it back into your palm

“me and some of jieun’s friends are taking her out after her volunteering gig on saturday. you better come and you better say something to her.”

suzy’s tone softens as she sees your shoulders twitch a bit

“jieun deserves to know,,,”

she adds, almost in a whisper and then walks off as you lean against the wall

suzy isn’t like jieun, jieun who assumes things are her fault - that she did something wrong if someone is acting weird

no, suzy sees right through you and you know it

to be honest, you hate the fact that jieun might be second guessing how you feel about her - you’d tried to be subtle, really

but maybe ,,,, maybe you should just tell her

that night you get a text from jieun, nothing out of the ordinary, she’s just telling you about a song she’s been working on on the side

she sends you a sample, and her voice lulls you into this beautiful fantasy

that you feel your head rest against your pillow and suddenly you’re in a hazy dream

where jieun is sitting beside you on a park bench, somewhere beautiful and scenic

and she’s got her hair up, some small strands framing her face

a simple denim skirt, with a loose button up tucked into it - you feel jieun’s hand in yours

“im glad our first date was in spring, i like things like this. easy things.”

her voice sounds like it’s coming from another room

but you look at her anyway

“how do you feel right now?”

“right now? ,,,,, im fine. truly fine.”

she smiles, squeezing your hand in yours

it’s like a scene - straight from a movie

and when you wake up to the sound of your roommate coming back, you sit up and rub your eyes

no wonder it was so perfect, it was a dream

saturday comes faster than you want it to and you show up where to the address suzy had put into your phone

surprised to see jieun standing outside, the cold breeze around the two of you

“why don’t you go inside?”

you ask and jieun almost automatically links her arm with yours as she presses closer for it to be warm

“the others aren’t here yet, i don’t want to get a table without them. to be honest, i told suzy we don’t have to do this,,,,i haven’t even gotten accepted to any programs yet.”

“but you will.”

you mean to be encouraging, but you feel like it’s come out too harsh

jieun doesn’t seem to notice as you two hear a barrage of familiar voices coming your way

the restaurant suzy has chosen is small, but packed

it’s new and popular and you’re basically squished against jieun

who doesn’t mind at all,,,,and had this been three months ago neither would have you

but every movement of hers is amplified in your heart and the redness in your cheeks isn’t from the indoor heating

everyone makes small talk, jieun talks a bit about this one program she really wants to get into

you think you can actually make it through, when you feel a foot nudge you under the table, you look up and suzy is literally glaring your soul down

“now”

she whispers and you blink, but her eyes dart to jieun - whose too busy looking at desserts

you give a little shake of your head but suzy pulls back her lip and you sigh

“jieun,,”

even saying her name takes effort for you know

she looks up, bright and curious “hmm?”

“can i tell you something,,,in private.”

someone opens there mouth to make a ‘oh you can tell all of us’ kinda comment - but suzy elbows them and motions for the people to get up and let you and jieun through

weirdly enough jieun doesn’t look confused and doesn’t ask “why do we need to talk?”

she follows behind you and when you two shrug on your coats and go out into the cold you regret not just telling her inside

but the coldness at least makes everything more crisp, more easy to say

“i know,,,i know a lot is on your mind these days,,,,,but i want to tell you something before - before you graduate.”

the tiny hairs wisp around her in the wind, but she waits for you to finish

“you’re my best friend - really, i mean it. but - but i want - im in love with you,,,,,,,,,,,romantically.”

the last word is just added for emphasis, you know that jieun is incredibly smart but sometimes she can misinterpret things

(like the millions of confessions she’s gotten throughout her time in school)

but you know jieun understands this one

you can tell from the way her eyes widen, but then her hands reach toward you and pull you forward by the front of your jacket

you think she’s going to hug you - maybe tell you she’s sorry she doesn’t feel the same way and comfort you

but she just pulls you in and her lips, slightly cold from being outside graze against yours

“is that why you’ve been distancing yourself? that’s a dumb reason, from now on keep being close to me.”

she laughs against your skin

and it takes you a moment but you look at her again

“does that mean -”

“yes, i love ,,,,,,,,,,, you too.”

she drops her eyes from yours, coyness coming over her

“romantically.”

she adds and you feel like suddenly the cold wind and weather is gone

your entire body feels as if it’s been overflowed with warmth and jieun takes your hand

squeezes it, and leads you back inside

suzy is the first to see the blush on your cheeks - everyone thinks it’s from the wind but she knows

and when you’re all leaving the restaurant she throws her arms over you and jieun

“FINALLY, you two are a couple! i cant wait for my wedding invite!”

you and jieun both get embarrassed and she twirls away to join the others

jieun holds your hand again and this time she goes “can i kiss you while they’re not looking?”

obviously, you happily oblige

jieun isn’t that much different when you’re dating her - the skinship is there,,,,,just now there’s more kisses and cuddling involved

her never-ending, yet unsuspecting cuteness basically radiates off of her

when she touches your noses and then gives you a forehead peck

when she’s eating whatever snack, eyes glued to her book - yet still offering you some

(sometimes accidentally shoving it against your lips or chin)

the way she hand writes a little note for you about a week after you confess and it’s a list of ideas for a first, actual date

which is where you learn jieun wants to either a) sleep in and watch movies or b) wake up at the crack of dawn to go volunteer at the childrens shelter

and even though you can’t believe you managed to wake up at 5 am,,,,,,,

you’re there with jieun

cleaning up the toys and setting breakfast for kids

who all flock to jieun in droves because they adore her

and you see how much she loves them

and you’re pretty sure you think like 1001092 times that ‘oh my god i love her more than before - is that even possible?!?’

after volunteering you guys are both beat, yet once you get back to campus and you’re resting your head in her lap

jieun is back on her laptop, finishing her apps and taking in-between breaks to rack her hands through your hair

the best part about dating someone you are best friends with is like,,,,there isn’t really an awkward phase with lots of the usual stuff

like,,,when you tell your friends you’re an official item no one - like literally no one is surprised

some people even go “wait,,,,you weren’t dating before???”

which makes jieun all giddy because “was i really that touchy with you???”

suzy: you guys were basically sitting in each others lap everyday SO

that, and you both know so much about the other person that it’s like,,,,,you don’t have to test out anything for the most part

it’s like, you know what jieun loves to eat - what her hobbies are - what books she’s been dying to read - what type of face mask she buys from the cosmetics store

and jieun knows what you love to eat, your hobbies, your plans, and she sometimes surprises you

like when you’re facing each other, under a big blanket and she’s tracing the skin of your arm

circling a little birthmark you have and going “ive always loved this mole of yours. it looks a little like a heart”

and it’s like ,,, you’re not even like did you just notice that

because you can tell in jieun’s voice that no,,,she’s loved that mark for a long long time

jieun doesn’t take much time to get ready, for classes or for dates and you don’t care

her comfy style is always nice, especially since you two are worn out students

and when she sees you, running into your arms for a hug and a kiss - you’re always happy to see her wearing a sweater of yours or even once of your simple accessories

“stop stealing my stuff”

“it’s not your stuff,,,,,you left it in MY dorm”

“jieun,,,,,,,,,,”

her grad school apps are long and even when shes’ done with them - you can tell she’s nervous about it like everyone else

but you know how to calm her down, you know what her comfort shows are and what games she likes

you might suck at monopoly but if jieun wants to play it for hours to get her mind off of things - then by god you’ll do it

suzy describes your love for jieun as completely, utterly smitten

and she’s not wrong - you really are freaking smitten

but it’d be a lie to say jieun isn’t smitten too

because she absolutely adores the little things about you that you don’t even notice

she even made an instagram post about this little habit of yours of collecting clippings from the school’s newspaper that you like

and she was like ‘look at how adorable and sentimental my s/o is’

tbh people you don’t even know are like “oh! you’re dating jieun!” and you’re like how,,,how do you know and they’re like lol her insta

suzy drags you two to go shopping for jieun’s graduation because ‘no you’re not ging up there in jeans’

but both you and jieun are more interested in cute kitten videos on youtube then you are in getting jieun a dress or heels

and when jieun starts trying on things each one is better than the other and you’re just like

“jieun you’re beautiful, pick any of them - you look ennchanting”

and jieun is like heart eyes oH stop

and suzy is like you two,,,,cornballs,,,,better make a decision

jieun getting excited about teaching you a bit of guitar or a bit of piano even though she jokes that she’s bad at it

(she’s not)

and her hands are over yours and it’s just so intimate and NICE

the night before her graduation ceremony you show up at her dorm

with her favorite flowers and a letter you got from her younger brother

and it brings her damn near to tears and she’s hiding her face in your neck and you’re like jieun,,,

and that’s when you just feel her pull back and start kissing you

and as shy, composed and sweet as she is - jieun has a firey passion and it goes to show when you fall back onto her bed

and the next morning at graduation jieun is like “im happy we picked a high collar dress,,,”

but she’s also like a big butterfly kiss and eskimo kiss

like she’s so cute and soft but you know,,,,two sides to every coin AHEM

once she graduates and you start your first semester without her on campus, you guys still skype as much as possible and send text updates

you,,,,won’t admit it to anyone but you have set good morning texts and they’re really cute because jieun calls you her goddamn blueberry and you don’t know why it’s just sO CUTe

you call her cherry,,,,,,,,,

but you keep in contact, sometimes even falling asleep on the phone together

and you get packages from her sometimes, with books she recommends and diaries with pressed flowers in them

and on one of your anniversaries she surprises you with coming back to campus and serenading you on her guitar

and you sob,,,,

like actually sob as jieun combs back your hair and kisses away the tears

and ok gOSH you two are so cute at some point you probably get lil matching behind-the-ear tattoes

and basically suzy was right, invite me to your wedding LOL

#iu scenarios #iu imagines #iu au #lee jieun #ji eun scenarios #ji eun imagines #sfw #college!au #iu #idk how else to tag this LOL

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yuehong · 6 years

Text

I am about to finish my studies soon (ugh) and I started to reflect on a lot of stuff. It's pointless to share everything here, though, one thing which frequently comes to my mind are racial issues (unsurprisingly). I feel like dumping some stuff on my blog for no specific reason. Some of these have been mentioned before. The way my brain works is sometimes weird when it's past midnight.

When I was 4, I was bullied in kindergarten. Children made fun of my name and I went home crying every day till I switched to another kindergarten.

In elementary school our crafts teacher decided to let us design masks for carnival. She had a few suggestions like clowns, monsters, animals and Chinese. She described how they looked and drew a caricature on the blackboard. The other kids compared the image to me. I felt extremely uncomfortable and cried (again). I left the room to calm down. The teacher apologized by claiming that she had no ill intentions and that it was meant in a positive way as Chinese tend to have cute little noses.

Also, while I was elementary school age, my sister and I were wearing a Chinese shirt when we went grocery shopping with my dad. A lady with (probably) her child pointed at us, telling her child: "Look, there are Chinese!"

Also, during elementary school some of my classmates at some point learnt the German chant "ching chang chong - Chinese im Karton" (ching chang chong - Chinese in cardboard box) and followed me around while saying that.

My elementary school teacher also often wanted me to say things in Chinese or sing Chinese songs in front of the others.

When we started to receive grades in school, my mother told me, I needed to be great. Later, when I had to look for a job and had the same qualification as a German, the employer would choose the other person first. I was 8 at that time.

A guest in our restaurant brought a coin of the Qing dynasty to us. He told us it was the possession of his grandfather. He didn't know why he possessed it. My mother knew. Because of colonialism.

I cannot remember any representation of Chinese in media aside from the comic WITCH during my childhood.

After elementary school one goes to secondary school based on qualifications during the last year of elementary school. The "good" students go to the Gymnasium. My mother regularly read a newspaper about German-Chinese issues. Often economy-related. In one issue, a Chinese girl wrote about her experience at Gymnasium. She took part in a competition and placed second. While the school paid tribute to the winner, the Chinese girl was in the audience. She was approached by a stranger who asked her what she was doing there because that person assumed a Chinese couldn't be good enough to go to Gymnasium.

Once after a school trip I was sitting on the bus. Some of my classmates thought I already got off the bus and started to talk about me. The content in and on itself wasn't negative. They started to project from me onto 1.3 billion other people. I noticed, to them I represented all Chinese people.

During a violin event a girl told me I didn't look like a Chinese because my eyes were too big.

When I was in 7th grade, the "red spies" who came to steal and copy German technology hit the news. During a certain period of time then news frequently reported such instances. On a German-Chinese forum, several Chinese wrote that they suddenly found themselves jobless because their employers fired them without any reason (aside from fear that they could be spies). I realized my mother was right. I will have a disadvantage on the job market and I am easily disposable.

In 7th grade we had a skiing excursion. There was a presentation on climate change and the teacher claimed that China had a major impact on the climate. Responsibilities of other countries went unmentioned. I cried (a reoccurring habit). My roommates during the trip told the teacher and he apologized and explained that he understood that European countries had a big footprint.

In 9th grade I found a note next to my seat in the bus, roughly saying "You look cute Manga girl. Call me: xxxx".

A half-Indian friend wrote me that their brother liked his time in the US a lot. Less people would be envious of his success despite him being Indian. Later on that friend wrote me they were bullied. It was evident that them being half-Indian was a factor. I was... too young and my support was useless and not helpful at all. (still young tho and still making so many mistakes).

When I aced an exam, a friend would say: "That's our Chinese!"

A friend would randomly say "Confucius said"

A teacher would ask if Chinese used huge keyboards with all hanzi characters to type into their computers.

A teacher jokingly said, I would be an expert in eating dogs.

In grade 12 (roughly a year before graduating) an epidemic broke out in Germany and few other European nations. Chinese scientists figured out the genetic makeup of the specific virus and Spiegel ("mirror", a German news agency) wrote an article about how it was possible that out of all things it was Chinese scientists in Shenzhen who figured out what virus was causing troubles. Their answer: It was pure coincidence.

A student and a teacher would discuss that Buddhism is sexist because no female found enlightenment. At some point I was like no, and their only response was, oh.

During preparation courses for university another Asian guy in my course said if his family stayed in their home country, he'd be a farmer with several wives now. His new-found ethnically European friends laughed.

The week before first courses started at university for me, a group of drunk students stood in front of my dorm and called me "Ling Ling". I didn't know them.

Autumn after my first year in university, a 15 yo half-Chinese boy was beaten up in Hamburg by right wing extremists. He suffered trauma.

In the canteen a group of students were joking about how Muslims are terrorists and had several wives.

In the canteen a guy told his friends he would go to Thailand for vacation. His friend told him, he should get a Thai girl as souvenir.

A Chinese overseas student admitted to me they felt depressed because of how Germans saw themselves above Chinese and the effeminating view on Asian men.

A few German people told me, colonialism had good aspects. One of those people is one of my best friends.

In a students association which promoted social internships, they used random pictures of "poor, little African children" as advertisement for their volunteering program.

A Chinese overseas student recounted they could not join German flat sharing communities. He was denied because Chinese cuisine had a too strong smell due to spices and garlic. They didn't want that in their flats.

A Japanese friend of mine who came to my city and paid a visit to the museum was followed by a few guys who would chant "ni hao" behind her.

I joined a volunteering program in China. Another international participant was very vocal about how China is bad in so many ways. There was no real coffee. The food is too fatty. It is no wonder that Chinese men don't grow muscles. She had no interest in learning about Tibetan Buddhist art. "If it was Italian art from the renaissance, ok. But Buddhist art? Hmpf. No".

The Chinese in the organizing committee would frequently use the word 那个 (neige, "that") to describe things. Some of the volunteers would parrot them. (I am not sure if there is a relation but 那个 does sound similar to the N-word.)

An ethnically Chinese girl who was raised in Germany rejects her Chinese heritage and Chinese people.

Once I was waiting for a friend. Some guy would ask me where I was from. I said Germany. They laughed.

Often when people ask me where I am from and I respond with Germany there would be surprise in their mimic followed by silence.

My mother grew tired of people asking her when she will go back to China. Now she answers, she will first have to clarify whether she will still receive pension abroad.

I heard people say that the person who thinks something is racist, is the racist person because they interpret something as racist.

Someone told me they can't stand Mainland China

Last autumn I woke up in Hong Kong to the news of a right wing party being elected to the third strongest party in Germany.

A Chinese overseas student told me she got assigned the easy parts in projects because her German was not good enough. The subtle feeling of superiority makes her uncomfortable.

A select few instances. And the conclusion: My life is good. The things I faced are pretty common for German-Chinese to my understanding. I'm sure all German-Chinese have experienced a subset of my experiencs. And they have experienced things which I haven't. I'm sure there are people who have it worse. My experiences were probably on the lucky end. But I still want all of this to end.

#Yue's crap #It's 3am #And I am lying here and think #This is ridiculous #Ridiculous and real #Racism tw #The other things I am reflecting on are friendship and how I hate myself lol #Like #These are the three pillars of my existence #Good night

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vibrant-goddess · 5 years

Text

yeah im drinking a bit at 130am i have to be at work in five hours but im SAD and i hate my coworkers and im gonna stay up and feel like shit all week so you know fuck it im gonna bitch about it on main bc im tired of giving a fuck about what people think of me and im not putting it under the cut because i seriously dont fucking care

i shoulda bought more cigarillosi havent fucking smoked in seven years like my parents found my cigars when i was a baby adult and yelled at me so i tossed them and never looked back

except now i live on my own in a tiny shitty room that is cheap enough for me to pay off my student loans real fucking fast living with two extremely adorable dogs(they’re my roommates) who dont like being petted so what even are they good for except dragging in dead animals all the fucking time and leaving hair everywhere literally i had to stop baking for my coworkers because no matter how clean i was i ALWAYS FOUND MORE FUCKING FUR but its fine because i don’t like these coworkers anyways

like i know i work in tech but what are the fucking chances that my team would be four white blonde guys(at least two are blue eyed) in their early thirties and then me like what the FUCK and i still have two more months with these fuckers. i have to figure out how to survive eight more weeks with these people who don’t like or respect me. i feel like a goddamn token minority hire and it makes me want to quit. like, just straight up two weeks notice i don’t give a FUCK about completing the rest of my work i don’t give a FUCK about helping this team i don’t give a FUCK about this work assignment my coworkers are so fucking dismissive and passive aggressive AT BEST and whiny turds at worst. i hate coming in at 630 and leaving at 345 without taking a lunch so my work has gotten like 10 extra hours of work for me thats literally, after tax, another student loan payment.

im so fucking miserable here. this town is so fucking small. theres nothing to do here except spend twenty dollars to go to tea except i have to do it myself bcause i dont know how to fucking interact wioth people

and then i thought this month oh ill try to get people i like together for halloween movies at my house except my house is a disaster because my roommate doesnt know how to fucking clean her shit up

literally her dogs shit on the couch and she took hours to do a half assed job of cleaning up. i cleaned the table, the kitchen, the floors, everything, and within two weeks she covered the newly cleaned surfaces with her shit. and like, its like pulling teeth to even get her to move her shit from the dryer after a MONTH so i know any sort of cleaning isn;t going to get done by her

like i thought leaving my parents house would make things so much better i thought the distance would allow me to finally live like an adult, but im essentially living the same fucking life, overextended by my responsibilities, depressed to the point of ideation, too anxious to talk to anyone, except now i have quadruple the bills, still no fucking s/o because apparently im totally unfuckable like even this fucking loser from target ghosted me, and my parents passive aggressively text me everyday because i don’t update them all the time on my THRILLING life that consists of a nine hour work day, three hours of studying for a professional exam that my work won’t pay for, and two hours of costume shit based on a character in a game series i don’t even fucking like for a party im not even going to attend

and like the obvious answer is drop the costume shit, block your parents for a couple weeks, and go to therapy. i hurried i RUSHED to get my own health insurance so i could finally finally get therapy, only to find out that if my work finds out im getting therapy theyll block any chance at promotion and in this small shitty town there are ten total therapists in a sixty mile radius, only two of which specialize in the CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) except one is a dude and the other does christian counseling and i fucking refuse to interact with religion i dropped any pretense of religion four years ago and im not fucking going back and if you even FUCKING mention it to me i stg so i guess i have to take my chances with the dude

god i dont want to go to work tomorrow but ive p consistently taken a day off every two weeks and im trying to save up my leave for when i want to just fucking ditch out for a week next year after i pay off my student loans

like EVERYTHING WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER ONCE I MOVED. i told myself oh everything will be better once i transfer except it wasnt i got even more stressed and felt more pressure. i told myself oh everything will be bettwe once i graduate except not only was it not but i hit the worst period of my life after graduating i couldn’t socialize i couldn’t speak i just laid on the floor of my childhood room crying and cutting myself because i couldn’t functgion because life didnt have purpose anymore. i told myself oh everything will be better once i move out once im away from the environment tht made me sick BUT GUESS WHAT TUMBLR the FUCKING ENVIRONMENT THAT MADE ME SICK WAS ME. GUESS WHAT I’M THE TOXIC PRESENCE IN MY LIFE. GUESS WHAT YOU CAN’T RUN AWA FROM YOUR OWN BRAIN.

im so fucking tired of trying im so tired of waiting for things to get better i keep trying things i did cbt on my own for months and it did nothing i drank a lot for a month and it did nothing but make me pee a lot i smoked again and it didn’t help i start cutting again and it did nothing like the only vice i have is eating except to pay off my student loans asap my food budget got stripped so i cant even do that and im just. im so fucking tired of this. im tired of throwing money at my student loan app. im tired of having no room besides my bed so i have to cut fabric while laying under my bed because there no room for me and my cutting mat. im tired of spending every weekend studying my fe study materials for an exam to get a certification my work doesn’t care about whatsoever. im tired of not feeling excited about anything. this is usually my favorite month of the year and i havent done a single fall activity. i dont know why the only person in this stupid city who likes me is the dude who realized im the only single black girl in the city and therefore has decided to make it his mission to try to wear me down so he can fuck me. im tired of working in a team where i have to be the voice of all women all black people and all queer people. im tired of having to either report my comings and goings to my parents from two hundred miles away when they don’t pay for any of my shit(in fact, i pay for some of their shit and they still demand updates like they’re entitled to my fucking life) hold on im getting another drink

and like if i want to even be considered one of the team i have to perform to perfection better than the other fuckers on the team whic means i have to show up before the earliest arriver and leave after my boss leaves and i still gotta do all my personal shit and i cant take a lunch and im UFKCKING SICK OF IT. the other team in our open office is a million times more diverse, they actually communicate and discuss shit. their boss is a woman and they occasionally have women on their team on assignment. they spent an hour debating and charting pizza topping preferences so they could order pizza together. meanwhile, my team cant even be assed to actually ask me a question.

i dont fucking want to go to work tomorrow. i dont want to fucking go back to this team ever again. my boss offered me a permanent position and i didnt know how to tell him that i hate this team and i cant wait to leave and mute the team server forever and if my next assignment didnt require an additional security thing(DESPITE THE FACT THAT I’VE NEVER STEPPED OUT OF LINE MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE I HAD GOOD HS ATTENDANCE I PARTICIPATED IN CLUBS I GOT A FUCKING NATIONAL AWARD I VOLUNTEERED WITH A CHRISTIAN CHURCH I PARTICIPATED IN CLUBS AND STUDENT ORGS IN COLLEGE I DIDNT DRINK A SIP OF ALCOHOL UNTIL I WAS 21 I DIDN’T SMOKE UNTIL I WAS 18 I NEVER TRIED ANY DRUGS NOT EVEN WEED IN FACT THE MOMENT DRUGS WERE PRESENT IN MY SOCIAL CIRCLES I LEFT THOSE SOCIAL CIRCLES AND NEVER LOOKED BACK I NEVER COMMITTED ANY CRIMES I NEVER ASSOCIATED WITH ANYONE WHO DID CRIMES IVE NEVER LEFT THE COUNTRY AS AN ADULT I LITERALLY HAVE THE BACKGROUND OF SOMEONE WHO SPENT 25 YEARS SITTING IN A ROOM EATING SALTINES AND STARING AT A WALL UNTIL I STARTED WORKING) that is taking fucking forever despite my perfect background i would have left this assignment early AND i would have given them excellent documentation when i went.

im so fucking tired. im tired of everything.

#i finished writing this shit at 230 at this point any sleep is gonna be shit but the alcohol is making me sleepy so whatever #there was no chance i was going to get a decent nights sleep anyways #i fucking hate everything

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sehunpeachy · 7 years

Text

cardiac arrest (m) | pt. 1

pt. 1 | pt. 2 | pt. 3 (coming soon)

⇒pairing: taehyung x reader (ft. hoseok)

⇒genre: doctor! au | angst+fluff, smut at the end

⇒length: 14k

⇒summary: you’ve always thought the only thing you’ve ever wanted was to become a doctor, but then you meet him.

a/n: wowie its been a while i’ve been super busy with a ton of crap and im still busy but i really wanted to write this and get it up for you guys! part 2 will not come out for a while, but ill try my best!

People often told you you were crazy.

They told you so when you didn’t squirm or look away during the gorey bits in movies like all the other kids.

They told you so as your blade meticulously yet eagerly sliced the frog’s stomach open during biology class and poked at its insides.

They told you so, even up until the moment you were standing up on stage, accepting your rolled up diploma in your shaky hands, because you were going off to “doctor school.”

You became a pre-med student, despite everybody telling you were going to be socially starved, always high on caffeine, and the dark circles under your eyes were going to be permanently etched into the crevices of your skin by the time of graduation. And most of all, they told you you were crazy.

You graduated without regret, receiving your final diploma with even shakier hands than last time. Even so, the stage felt so empty without him standing by your side.

Your head rolls to the side where he would have been had he stayed with you. You knew he would have been smiling and his hand would have brushed against yours.

Maybe, you had one regret. You wished you had said something to him before he left, so maybe…just maybe, he would have stayed.

Like you, Kim Taehyung was crazy. You met him on the first day of training as a pre-med student. His hair had been a light chestnut color and it bounced as he turned to you to ask for something to write with in the lecture hall.

You exhale a gush of air as you reach into your bag to pull out a pencil. You hated giving out your pencils. And to a pre-med student? On the first day of class?

“Thanks,” he simply says, his fingers brushing against yours as he takes it from you. “I hope you’ve been paying attention so far, because I haven’t.”

A smile creeped on your face as you simultaneously roll your eyes, a combination you would often give to Taehyung after this day.

Without words, you slide your notes in front of him, seeing him sneak you a look from the corner of your eyes.

“I’ve never met somebody so nice and nonverbal, all at the same time,” he whispers to you above the lecture and you almost let out a laugh.

“I do speak, thank you very much,” you reply as you watched him quickly scribe your notes on his paper, constantly flicking back to your professor to make sure she didn’t catch the two of you talking.

“And you’re pretty too,” he trails off, momentarily pausing his writing to shoot you a sly look. You roll your eyes and sheepishly smile. It’s silence for a few minutes but your attention fails to focus on what your teacher is saying when Taehyung’s leg stretch out a bit and your thigh makes contact with his. You try not to react, but it’s hard when he turns to you with a smirk creeping on his face, indulging in the physical contact.

He gives you back your notebook by the end of class, and you’re left with a clog in your throat when you see he had scribbled his name and his phone number at the bottom of the page.

You sit next to him in the next lecture, and the lecture after that, and the next one too. He’s your partner during every practical, and his hand brushes over yours as he hands you the equipment. “That’s the wrong scalpel, Tae,” you would say.

“You’re right, my bad,” he replies, but you know it’s on purpose because he just wants to lightly touch your fingers each time.

By the end of the first semester, you adapted the mentality that he would make the first move. He never did, and so neither did you.

By the second semester, you’re sure you’ve fallen in love with the boy, so he must be in love with you too, right?

By the third, you decided you should be the one to ask him out, but the words never come out right in your head, so they never come out at all.

By the fourth, he was leaving you.

You wish you would have said anything to make him stay. God, did you wish you had said something.

You don’t see him again, but he never seems to have left your mind. The problem was that your thoughts never sufficed, not when you no longer had him to share lecture notes with, or switch scalpels with as you dissect, or struggle to tone down your giggles together in the dark hours of the library when you should have been studying.

There was nobody like Kim Taehyung; you learnt that the hard way.

“Quick! Move out of the way!”

These sounds were not uncommon in a hospital in the main city. Even so, your heart sped up every time you heard them. Those were just the burdens you faced working in the intensive care ward.

You push yourself off your chair and run into the hallway, following the noise. “Dr. Y/N! Please hurry!” You hear one of the nurses yell back at you. You run even faster, eventually catching up to the patient being carried into the emergency room by two nurses.

“What’s the heart rate?” You ask, holding onto the edge of the stretcher and helping it move quicker.

“There’s none,” one of the nurses answer and you can’t hide the grave expression washing over your face. A cardiac arrest. The doors burst open and you’re suddenly under the familiar dull blue lighting of the surgery room again.

The nurses haul the patient onto the platform as you slip on a mask and gloves. “Do you want us to get the scalpels?” A nurse asks.

“No,” you snap, “we don’t have time. We need to get the heart rate going.” You’re quickly by the patient’s side as their chest is revealed. A small, frail body, and you realise it’s just a child.

The nurse understands you, quickly handing you the defibrillator and starting it up. It hums increasingly loudly in your hands and you quickly press the surface onto the plates of the chest. The body jerks violently, and this part always scares you.

Your eyes flick towards the heart monitor, and a feeling of hope hits you as you see a spike. You wait a few seconds before repeating the action, and the spiking becomes a bit more regular.

“A few more times!” You tell the nurses, and if it weren’t for the gloves, the device between your fingers would be slipping around in your sweaty palms.

Suddenly, the patient jerks a bit more violently the last time and the monitor plays music to your ears; a regular heart beat. You’re panting as the humming of the defibrillator dies down and you hear the patient begin to breathe.

One nurse is running her hands across the patient’s hair, telling him it’s okay, as the other hands you a bottle of water. She smiles sweetly, but your vision is too blurry to notice. “You never fail us, Y/N,” she says as you uncap the bottle and down the water.

“Don’t jinx it,” you reply and she chuckles. No matter how many times you have to do your job, you can never get over the dizzy and agonising adrenaline it gives you.

“You rest, we’ll take care of him.”

“What about the parents?” You ask, gulping down the last of the bottle.

“His mom’s outside. We’ll send somebody to tell her the good news. Unless…”

“I have other work,” you cut her off. You never met with the patient’s family. It gives you too much attachments, and you know how hurt you can get sometimes.

A knocking on your office doors makes you startled and you quickly drop your resting legs from the surface of your desk. “Come in,” you say, fixing your hair in the haste of the moment.

Your shoulders relax when you see Hoseok, his face peeping out of the door. He swings it fully open, revealing two cups of coffee resting in the knook of his elbow.

“I heard about another successful surgery yesterday. I brought some coffee to celebrate!” Hoseok says, rushing over to you to place the cups down and falling onto the chair opposite yours.

“Thank you, but I wasn’t the one to perform the surgery,” you say, sliding the coffee closer to you. You never told Hoseok, but you hate coffee, which is why you don’t drink it in front of him. He just loved to get it for you, and you didn’t want to ruin that for him. “I just got the heart rate going.”

“You saved a life, Y/N.” He tells you, picking up the cup and taking a sip. His body flinches as the scorching drops of coffee hit his tongue.

You never saw yourself as a ‘hero’ that people told you you were. You were just doing your job. “Anybody can pick up a defibrillator.”

“Definitely not true,” he says and you laugh because you realise how ridiculous you sound. “You need a license for that kind of thing.” He takes another sip and flinches again.

“You should probably let that cool down a bit,” you say, playing with a pen resting on your desk between your fingertips, twisting it around and feeling the plastic.

“I like things hot,” he replies and your eyes widen. “Beverage-wise, I mean,” he corrects and you laugh with him, but you know it’s blatant flirting.

Hoseok made his feelings about you clear.

He was a great guy, but you hesitated in reciprocating his affection because you knew once you did, you would be giving him the trust of having your heart. Nowadays, you don’t give that out so freely.

You met Hoseok in the lunchroom on your first day of work. You instantly clicked with him, and it was hard not to when he clicked with everybody. He worked in another ward; a “dermatologist” he told you on that first day.

“Is that why your skin is so clear?” You asked, leaning on the lunch table and consequently closer to his face.

“That’s just genes,” he answered back and you chuckled. Then he extended his hand towards you to brush away a crumb hanging on your lips.

It was the first time somebody made your heart rush in a long time, with the expectation of the patients in the ER.

Every time you feel like Hoseok is about to make a move on you, like as he slings his arms around you and starts asking about what you’re doing over the weekend, your initial reaction is to deny it.

“I have some documents I need to write up,” you tell Hoseok. He’s so good at hiding his disappointment, so his smile never falters. “Maybe next time?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he replies, his arm still around you. You wished he wouldn’t say things like that because it made you feel that much more guilty.

He really was perfect. Kind, sweet, patient, hard-working, and attractive. You often notice colleagues ogling over him when he’s not looking. But even when he gets you coffee every morning and asks you how you’re doing, if you’re too cold or if you’re ever stressed, or what your plans for the weekend are because he knows a guy who knows a guy who has tickets to that concert you’ve been dying to go to, he was never enough.

It’s true Hoseok made your heart race and your cheeks warm, but there was always something missing. That ‘something’ stopped you from grabbing his neck and kissing him when it’s just the two of you and he had been looking so amazing that day. That ‘something’ stopped you from saying yes to going out with him when you knew you were free and lonely and you’ve been dying to go to this concert for forever.

“How’s the skin business?” You ask, playing with the ridges of your coffee cup.

“It’s fine. I just came back from this appointment. Middle aged woman, sweet, her husband wants her acne scars gone.”

“Ugh,” you say, rolling your eyes. “What did you say?”

“I had to do my job,” Hoseok says, leaning back in your chair and exposing the expanse of his neck to you. “But I told her she could find guys much more attractive then him, even with those scars.”

You laugh.

“What about you, heart doctor?”

“You know the business,” you say, leaning back too to relax. “It’s scary. You never know how your day’s gonna be. It will either go like every other day goes, or it becomes the worst one ever.”

“You’re a great doctor, Y/N,” Hoseok said, drinking a bit more of his coffee. He doesn’t flinch this time. “That will never happen.”

“Anything can happen,” you say. People told you to never worry about losing a life because there were enough staff and doctors around that would prevent such a thing.

You just wish somebody would tell you it’s definitely possible to fail somebody, because it’s the cold hard truth, but it’s the truth. And sometimes you don’t need sugar-coating, you need to be told you’re not crazy to think such a thing.

“How’s that boy doing?” He asks, changing the grime subject at hand.

“Better. He’s awake now. Surgery done. A few more weeks and he can get out,” you reply, closing your eyes in a sleepy manner. “I need to update his records for him.” You don’t really mean it, but he takes it as a cue to go.

“I’ll leave you to it,” Hoseok says, standing up. “You’ll be done before lunch period, right?”

“I hope so,” you say, glad you can be left to your own presence but wishing Hoseok would stay all at the same time.

“I’ll see you then,” he says, giving you that warm smile he always gives you before he’s closing the door behind him. You leave the coffee cup by your desk. You don’t drink from it, but you can’t bring yourself to throw it away.

“What do you want in life?” Taehyung asks, bouncing a ball against your ceiling. You’re lying on the surface of your dorm bed, barely fitting both of you on.

“That’s a weird question,” you mutter, rearranging your textbook around. You were meant to be studying for an upcoming exam, but he always distracted you.

He laughs at your response and bounces the ball again, catching it before it could land on his face. “Maybe it is.”

“Why do you ask?” You say, trying to talk with him and simultaneously read the words on the page. It wasn’t working.

He doesn’t answer right away. “I’ve just been thinking a lot.”

“About?” You egged on.

“The future,” he answers. You perk up and flip the textbook shut. He smiles as he watches you toss it on the floor and roll around the bed to get yourself comfortable. “You haven’t answered. What do you want in life?”

“To become a doctor, obviously.” His tongue clicks and you chuckle. “What’s wrong with that?” You ask, sitting up to look at him, still laughing.

“I mean, outside this whole medical thing.”

You frown, unable to conjure a response because being a doctor was all you ever dreamt of. “Tell me your answer,” you say, running your fingers through your hair and falling back down onto the bed.

“Love,” he answers back, bouncing the ball again and you freeze.

“What do you mean?” You ask to try and hide your reaction.

“True love,” Taehyung says, sitting up and turning himself around so he’s sitting against the wall. “Like hand holding, forehead kissing, waist hugging kind of love. I’ve never had that.”

“Really?” You lean on your elbow so you’re making eye contact with him, maybe to see if he was lying.

He laughs. “Is that surprising? Am I that handsome?”

You roll your eyes and smile. “You just seemed like a playboy,” you answer and he frowns.

“Is that a compliment, or…?” Your hand creeps behind you to grab your pillow and you slam the side of his face with it. “Ow!”

His eyes are screwed shut in exaggerated agony and his hands go to nurse the spot on his head. Laughter oozes out of you and you have to hold the sides of your stomach to ease the pleasant pain. Taehyung is the only person you’re this comfortable with.

Suddenly, his hand grabs for the pillow that you had been holding lightly between your fingers and attacks you with it.

Soon enough, the room is filled with laughter and screams. “Stop, stop, stop!” You say, spacing each word out with a giggle. He hits you several more times before finally lifting the pillow away from you.

You stare up at him, and he is such a view. His warm eyes are crinkled and his bright grin is wide as he kneels over you, pillow still in hand.

Taehyung throws the pillow back down onto you and you continue your uncontrollable laughter. You don’t even realise his weight had shifted on you and his body was on top of yours until he pulls the pillow back and drops it from his fingertips, falling down to the carpet below.

Then you’re looking at him and he’s looking at you.

You can never get enough of looking at him, or feeling him, or smelling him. His hands cage around your head and lower body aligns on top of yours, an overwhelming urge to kiss him washing over you. His face was so close to yours that you could feel the warmth emitting from him.

He falls back down on his back next to you, and you realise he hadn’t kissed you. Your vision stays glued to a corner of your ceiling because you can’t seem to move your eyes yourself. Silence.

“Life is complicated,” Taehyung finally says. You exhale, closing your eyes.

“It is,” you say, and he has no idea how much you mean it.

“You think our wishes will come true?”

It takes you a second to remember what he was talking about.

“We’ll never know until we get it,” you answer back because it’s the truth. Your heart bounced around in your chest, because the sinking realisation that he didn’t even consider you as somebody to fulfill his wish for him sets in.

“You’re never wrong, Doctor Brain.”

You prop yourself up on your elbows to look at him. “Doctor Brain?”

“You are what you follow,” Taehyung answers and you start laughing.

“Alright. When you become a doctor, you’ll be Doctor Heart,” you reply, your voice oozing with sap at the last word and it’s his turn to laugh.

“You know, that’s not a bad name.”

A month later, he tells you he’s leaving.

You are not a morning person, which is the reason why your lunch everyday was always subpar. A piece of slightly-melt cheese between two pieces of stale bread was definitely not an ideal meal, but you never saw it is a priority.

Hoseok enters the lunch room, and a few people stop what they’re doing to look at him. You don’t know if he knows how many girls at the hospital like him, even as they giggle to each other with hushed whispers whenever he walks by, but you assume he doesn’t. He takes the seat at your table and pulls out his lunch.

“Afternoon,” you greet him and he sends you a smile.

“Afternoon,” he repeats, revealing to you the mashed potatoes and chicken breast he was about to dig into. “Want a piece?” He asks as he stands up.

“No thanks,” you say because you don’t want to burden him more than you probably already do. He returns a few seconds later with two pieces of cutlery, handing you a fork and knife without words. “You didn’t have to,” you say as you cut yourself a piece of the chicken, the meat falling onto your fork and melting in your mouth.

“It’s not a problem, Y/N, you know that,” Hoseok says, his mouth stuffed with mashed potatoes. You smile down, but not before you take note how cute he looks with his cheeks sticking out like that.

“Oh, come on!”

You both turn to look at the man behind Hoseok. He’s a colleague you’ve never exchanged words with, somebody who doesn’t work in the intensive care unit like you. His eyes are glued to the overhead fuzzy TV showing a basketball game, standing up with a crabby expression painting his face.

“What is it with men and sport?” You ask, placing your cutlery down to take a bite of your sandwich. Hoseok continues to watch the man in amusement, before turning back to you and shrugging.

“It gets the blood going, I suppose,” he says, picking up more mashed potato on his fork. You turn your attention to the TV screen too. “In my opinion, there’s other things that do that for you, like alcohol, music, women–”

Your eyes flick from the TV and land on the window to the hallway. A figure walks past and you swear–it’s him.

“Y/N?”

Hoseok’s voice is drowned out with a ringing in your eyes and the deafening thumps of your heart. He stands in front of the window, talking to somebody out of view. The glass is slightly frosted, so you can’t be sure, but it’s clear to make out enough about the person’s side view, and you’re just certain it’s him.

“Y/N? Where are you going?” Hoseok’s asking you but you can’t answer because you’re already out of your seat and out the door.

You crash against the door to swing it open, and you’re left in the empty corridors of the hospital. Where is he? You couldn’t have imagined that. Why now? Out of all the times he’s come to your mind, why would you imagine him now? It must have been real.

You run to your left, the sound of your feet echoing throughout the white corridors. You hear Hoseok call after you, but this was too important to turn back to him. You can’t let him go. Not now, not ever again. Where was he?

You turn to a corner, and almost crash into a colleague making her way to the lunchroom. “Sorry!” You say, already running again. Where was he?

Your knees ache and your lungs feel like they were going to give out, but you don’t stop. You decide to take a turn towards the main entrance, but he’s not there either. A few people are in the waiting room, and their eyes fall on you in confusion and worry.

You pay little attention as you practically fall onto the receptionist’s desk. She’s on the phone and your sudden presence startles her. “I’m gonna have to call you back,” she says, placing the phone down. “Hey, what’s the issue–”

“Is there a Kim Taehyung here?” You interrupt.

She looks taken back, slightly winded when she answers. “Um, I’m not sure–”

“He’s tall, dark hair, brown eyes–” Her expression stays blank so you stop describing him. “Just–just check the system! Please! Kim Taehyung! K-I-M–”

“Y/N?”

The receptionist’s confused eyes leave yours and flick towards the figure behind you. You stay frozen in your position. You want to move, you need to, but you can’t find yourself to do it.

Then you finally do, and you’re looking at his face.

“Tae…” It comes out as a whisper.

He was just as breathtaking as you’ve always remembered him. His eyes are warm and the same shade of brown you’ve always imagined them in your dreams. His smile twitches as he’s staring right into you, and all you want to do is melt into him.

Before you know what’s happening, he’s hugging you close to him.

You haven’t felt his body for such a long time. Almost five years. Even so, you relax and fall into his touch. It’s so familiar to you, like returning to your childhood home. A wave of nostalgia, happiness, and a tinge of regret hits your body all at once, like whiplash on a ride.

You momentarily close your eyes to indulge in his smell, his warmth, his body against yours, his breath hitting your skin. Then, he’s pulling you back.

“Wow,” is all he says and you agree. Wow. “It’s been…just…forever.” He says, you still in his arms.

“Too long,” you say, and you recognize the slight harshness in your voice. You just reunited, but it doesn’t take long for the anger brewing for years to surface. You push it down immediately. You don’t want to be mad now, while you’re still in his touch and he’s here, right in front of you.

“Too long,” he agrees, looking to the floor and away from you.

Silence. “I–I just, I don’t know where to start,” you say honestly, flabbergasted.

He laughs, letting go of you and rubbing the back of his head.”Me neither.”

There’s a longer pause, and that’s when you hear the receptionist clear her throat. You remember her presence, suddenly embarrassed with the exchange she witnessed.

“Let’s–catch up. Somewhere else,” you say and he nods.

“Lead the way, Doctor Brain.”

It initiates a fire in your inner insides and you almost can’t move. “Right away, Doctor Heart.” He laughs, and as ridiculous as it sounds, you find yourself holding back the subtle tears forming in your eyes.

You sit in the hospital cafe. He orders for you, English Breakfast tea with milk and a hint of sugar. You tell him thank you but don’t ask how he remembers your preferences so well, even after years.

“Let’s start with you first,” Taehyung says, holding his cup of Americano between his fingers. “What’s been going on?”

You smile, playing with the handle of your cup. “Really, nothing much.”

“Oh, come on.” He chuckles and you follow. “I see you’ve become a doctor, that’s something” he says, giving an up and down look at your uniform and I.D. lanyard around your neck.

“That’s right,” you say, suddenly self conscious underneath his gaze. “I finished school, got my license, and moved to the city. I started working here about a year ago.”

You don’t think it’s that interesting, but Taehyung gives you his full attention, catching each syllable that leaves your mouth. He’s always been like that; listening to you and your problems so intently. You didn’t have people like that in your life often, so you welcomed him into your life with open arms. Maybe that was your first mistake.

“What about you?” You ask him, taking a sip of your tea when it cooled down a bit. He’s always been the unpredictable one, so you were looking forward to hear his side.

“It’s a long story,” he says, like you knew he would. “I got my license, probably same time as you did.”

You don’t think he notices, but his words make a sting run down your spine and your hands to clamp up. You remember graduation day, where he should have been next to you, getting his diploma with you, celebrating and crying and hugging because you’re finally done, but he wasn’t. He was doing the exact same thing as you, but miles apart, and it didn’t feel right.

“I didn’t become a doctor right away,” he continues and you furrow your eyebrows. “This is going to sound stupid…but I was just searching for something.”

You frown even more. “Searching for something?” You repeat. He laughs.

“Now that I hear it from someone else’s mouth, it does sound stupid.”

He always does this, discrediting his own feelings, and you recognize it right away. “It’s not stupid. It’s just…a bit vague.”

He smiles down at his cup for a few seconds. “I didn’t want to become a doctor, and it probably sounds so dumb considering I went to school for eight fucking years–”

“It’s not,” you say because you knew if you didn’t reassure him, he would never believe it himself.

He pauses before he continues. “That year, after graduation, I just did some odd-end jobs to pay the rent. An apartment in the city is expensive, and I know I could have payed for it easily, but I just couldn’t bring myself to doing it.”

“Why not?” You ask. It seemed like an easy solution to the problem; become a doctor and earn enough money to buy anything you would want, but you knew first-hand that things weren’t that simple.

“I–I don’t know. I just couldn’t,” Taehyung says, and he hasn’t touched his coffee for a while. “Then, I snapped back to my senses before my landlord could kick me out. And, here I am.”

Realisation sinks in. “You’re going to work here?” You question, your heart rate racing.

“Yeah, soon. I just finished my tour shortly before I ran into you.”

“That’s–”

Wonderful? So wonderful you feel tears prickling in your eyes at the thought of finally having him with you after all these years? Terrifying? A really bad mistake because you’ve never forgotten about him since the day he left and having him around would mean you will never get over him? A joke? All a cruel trick played on you to make sure you would never find love if he’s always around you, infecting every thought that passes you?

“–Exciting. What are you working as?”

“A cardiovascular surgeon,” he answers and you feel your heart drop in your ribcage. “I chose it in my second year of school. They told me there weren’t enough here, so that’s probably why they hired me so fast.”

“That’s–crazy. So am I.”

His face remains blank for a few seconds as he stares at you, then your I.D. card, then back at you.

“Wow, this day really is something,” he says, breaking out into laughter.

“It really is,” you agree. You’re not exactly sure why you laugh with him, or exactly what you’re feeling. Is it a mixture of relief and regret, or is one feeling stronger than the other?

Looking back at it, you should have ever even ran after him. It just showed how much you were still hung up on him, and now you just looked desperate. God, you were so stupid sometimes.

“I guess I’m really becoming Doctor Heart now that I’m a heart surgeon,” Taehyung says, stretching his arms to the side and stretching the word ‘heart’ out. He breaks you out of your thoughts and you immediately giggle.

“I should have become a brain surgeon, then,” you comment, making him chuckle.

“You’re right, Doctor Brain. You’re not taking after your title.” Your laughter dies down and he checks the watch around his wrist. “I should get going. I’m sure you must be busy.”

You check the clock above him and nod, finishing your tea. “My shift just started. Thanks for the drink, Taehyung.”

He’s standing up and straightening up his casual clothes, coffee still in hand. “It’s really, really great to see you again, Y/N,” Taehyung says, circling around the table to stand in front of you. He takes your hands in his, hopefully missing how they’re shaking slightly. He hugs you quickly and your breath halts. You calm yourself down, for the sake of him and to stop embarrassing yourself, and hug him back.

“I guess we’ll be seeing each other a lot now,” you say as he pulls away.

“I guess so,” he replied, shaking his feet around. Neither of you make it clear if that’s more of a bad or good thing.

“I can walk you out,” you offer.

“It’s really fine, you have to get back to work,” Taehyung says and you’re disappointed. “This hospital needs you right now.”

You laugh, hitting his shoulder. “I’m a heart surgeon, not a superhero.” He laughs.

“You might as well be,” he says with amusement. Then, there’s another silence. “I’ll see you soon, Y/N.”

You simply smile and watch as his figure leaves.

Your car keys jingle in your hands and your steps echo in the parking lot. You had no new patients today, which in your ward is considered a miracle. And even better, you had a day off tomorrow.

It was your first day off in a while, most probably because of Taehyung being hired to take some of your shifts.

Taehyung. Your mind went blurry when you thought of him. Earlier today, you had to splash water on your face just to make sure you really did see him.

Even after five years, your heart still did the same somersaults when it came to him, and it scared you that a person could have that much power over your emotions. You really did love him during school. But were you still in love with him now? You told yourself for years that you moved on; yet seeing him in front of you, touching him, hearing his voice, you weren’t so sure.

“Y/N!”

You turn around to Hoseok’s voice, and suddenly you remember how you ditched him during lunch, making your stomach turn and your head to cloud with guilt. He was still wearing his work clothes and was hurriedly rushing after you.

“Where did you go today?” He asks as he catches up to you, slightly panting.

“I’m so sorry, Hoseok! I–I’m really sorry. I probably looked like a mess,” you say, unable to think of a good excuse.

“It’s fine! I just–” Hoseok gives you a smile and it doesn’t help make you feel better about yourself. “I just wanted to know what made you run so fast. I didn’t take you as sporty.”

You let out a little laugh, enough to make Hoseok sure you were comfortable again. “What makes you say that?” He doesn’t answer, making you both laugh and you realise you can’t lie to Hoseok now. “It’s just–I saw somebody today.”

Hoseok narrows his eyes at your words. “Is this somebody…a real person?”

Your hand goes to cover your mouth as you start laughing again. You really underestimated how quickly Hoseok could make you at ease sometimes. “I swear! I saw him outside in the window and when I came out, he was gone. I had to catch up to him to make sure I wasn’t crazy,” you chuckle.

Hoseok pauses. “Him?”

Shit. Backtrack, backtrack, backtrack. “He’s an old friend! We sat next to each other during medical school.” Hopefully he didn’t sense how your words came out a little too fast.

He immediately relaxes, but you feel as though he didn’t want you to notice. “Oh, you have to introduce me to him someday.”

Should you say anything? “He’s going to work here, actually.” You decide in the moment not to mention that he’s going to work in the same ward as you.

“Even better,” Hoseok replies, his face staying still as he said so.

A pause. “You should get back to work,” you say as you reach to pull a piece of stray hair behind your ear. You notice how Hoseok’s eyes follow your movement.

“You’re right. I hear people’s skin in distress and they need me,” he says, shooting you a grin as you chuckle. “See you later!” He waves to you as he makes his way back to the building, giving you a one-look over before he’s gone.

The loud thumps overhead almost blurred out everything that was happening. You stumble around, feeling no control over where your legs were going as you searched for his face.

You and Taehyung had been downing hard alcohol down your throats thirty minutes ago, but you only realise now that he had disappeared somewhere. Your body attempts to navigate itself past the crowds of people whose faces become a blur to your lidded eyes, and at some point you remember this is why you don’t go to frat parties.

“Tae,” you yell out in the noise and even you can hear the alcohol dripping in your tone. “Taehyungie!”

To no avail, all the faces around you remained unrecognizable. Where was he?

Suddenly, you feel an arm wrap itself around the constraints of your waist and you turn around in delight. Your smile fades when you see it’s not Taehyung, but a stranger.

“Who’s this Tae guy?” He says, gripping your waist closer to his.

“You’re not him,” you slur and push against his chest feebly to get away. The smell of this stranger slowly intoxicated your nose, making it hard to breath.

“I can be whoever you want me to be, baby,” he whispers, leaning into your ear and you feel a shudder run down your spine.

“Get–away,” you try again but his hand left burn prints on your skin, trapping you. “Stop–”

“Hey man, get your hands off of her.”

Both you and the man turn towards Taehyung. His hair was ruffled and dark circles decorated the under of his eyes, but his stare. It was sharp and narrow, like a blade. His eyes swam over you and fell on the man, and then his hand on you.

“Oh sorry dude. This your girl?” He says, loosening his grip on you and you stumble back at the sudden loss of support.

“She’s nobody’s girl. Get as far away as possible before I do something,” Taehyung says, reaching out to grab your wrist to wheel you over next to him. His fingers felt calloused and familiar in a sea of unfamiliar, instantly bringing you an immense feeling of relief.

The man scoffs at Taehyung and shoots you one last look before making his way through the crowd away from you two.

“I have great timing, don’t I?” Taehyung says, draping his arm around you and leading you away to somewhere more quiet.

“You didn’t have to fight him,” you say. “I could have done that myself.”

“I know. I just wanted to fight him myself.” he replies, meeting your glassy gaze with his chocolate eyes. “Plus, you’re more drunk than me.”

“That doesn’t mean anything. I could probably throw better punches than when I’m sober,” you say, making him laugh as he settles the both of you in a solitary corner where little noise and strange men could interfere.

“Sorry,” he says, letting his arm drop from his hold on you and looking down at the floor. “I didn’t mean to leave you like that.”

“Where did you go?” You ask him, digging the tips of your fingers into your forehead in attempts to bring down your throbbing headache.

“If I’m going to be honest–” He pauses and you glance up at him. “I was throwing up. Big. Time.”

You start laughing and it becomes uncontrollable once Taehyung joins. “I knew you didn’t drink,” you say when the laughter finally died down.

“Okay, okay. My secret is out,” he says, leaning against the wall and closing his eyes.

“This is why pre med students don’t go to parties,” you say, leaning back as well. “At least you don’t smell like vomit.”

He lets out another chuckle, and with his eyes closed it gives you a perfect opportunity to look at him without shame. He was just stunning. His eyelashes were dark and tickled his honey skin, and his normal fringe was parted, allowing exposure of his forehead. His lips part when he laughs, and you think to yourself how plush they would be.

“That’s always good to hear,” Taehyung says and peels his eyes open, making you look away. “I can’t get too many girls with vomit breathe.”

You don’t laugh at his joke and he swiftly notices. “Let’s get back to our dorms,” you say and he nods in agreement. “This party sucks.”

“It does, but your company doesn’t,” he says as he pushes himself off the wall and holds your hand in his, escorting you out.

He doesn’t see how your cheeks flush, and not because of the liquor in your system or the stuffiness in the room.

He leads you out of the building and to your dorm under the night light.

“The stars are beautiful,” he comments, draping his coat over you. You look up and see a deep navy sky littered with bright white.

“Wow,” you say involuntary, your neck craning to get a bigger view. This night was one of the most beautiful nights you’ve ever witnessed. Maybe because of the night, or maybe because of him.

“I’m glad we met, Y/N,” he suddenly says but you don’t see the impact of his words above the alcohol clouding your head.

“Me too, Tae.”

He hugs you close to him when you arrive in front of your dorm, telling you to keep his coat for now. His fingers wrap themselves around the skin of your waist, but this time you welcome the touch. His warm breath hits the skin of your neck and it makes the hair on your nape to stand up in pleasure.

As he slips away and tells you to sleep well, you decide you’re going to tell him you love him soon.

A week later, he tells you he’s leaving.

There’s a knock on your door again and you stretch your arms out at the sudden intrusion, hearing a crack as you do so.

“Come in,” you say. You weren’t really in the mood for coffee or for talking right now, but you could never turn Hoseok away.

The door swings open and you see, instead Taehyung, standing in the doorway. Your eyes widen as they meet his.

It’s your first time in years seeing him in a doctor’s coat, and you feel your heart speed up at the sight. His skin looked so deep and honey-colored, even when there was no sunlight hitting it. His chestnut hair was draped over his forehead and eyebrows and bounced a little as he turned behind him to close the door.

“Hey. The receptionist said your office was here,” Taehyung explains, a timid smile painting his face, deciding to brush off your look of surprise.

“Right, hey,” you say, nodding and gripping the surface of your desk to bring your chair closer. The air remains silent for a while, both of you awkwardly shuffling around to preoccupy the wordless conversation. “So, how’s it going?” You ask, your stomach clenching at your awkward filler.

“It’s going good,” he replies, scratching the hair behind his head uncomfortably. “Can I sit?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” you say, moving a few knicks and knacks lying around on your desk to the side. He gives you another smile before plopping himself down opposite you. “So, what’s up?”

Taehyung raises his eyebrows. “Oh, nothing. I just wanted to see you–see what’s up with Doctor Brain.”

You hold back a chuckle, his words stirring something in the pits of your stomach. “You’re always welcome,” you say, finally glancing towards his face and he’s staring at you. “How has work been so far?”

“It’s been a peaceful week or so,” he responds and it makes you smile.

“That’s great to hear,” you say, and then neither of you know what to say next.

“Y/N–” Taehyung says, then stops.

Your eyebrows rise up at the sudden seriousness within the room, and you realise this conversation was going to go beyond awkward small talk.

“Sorry,” he says, looking down at the floor. “I actually came here for a reason, you know, besides just…talking.”

The anticipation of his words makes your head slightly light and you find yourself rubbing your palms against the fabric of your pants to rid of the sweat. Your mind goes through hundred different places in mere seconds on what he could be saying right now. “Uh, sure. What’s on your mind?”

“I just wanted to say–I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” You repeat his words, the silence in the room starting to make your ears hurt. “For what?”

“I’m sorry I left,” Taehyung says almost too quickly, like he was releasing air from a balloon. Neither of you say anything for a few seconds. “I know it must have–hurt you.”

You realise your eyes had not been blinking for the last minute so you break eye contact with him to stare at the floor. “It really wasn’t–that terrible,” you lie, stomach dropping when the words that came out of your mouth processes through your mind.

Taehyung’s face wears a mask of feigned calmness, but you see past it at how his eyes widen and his pink lips part. “Oh,” he says, fidgeting with the handles of the chair. “Oh, well–that’s–that’s relieving to hear.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” you say in hopes of taking back your earlier statement. “I meant–I mean–it did hurt.” You pause, watching how his eyes dart around your face nervously, hanging onto every word. You must have sounded like an idiot. “What I’m trying to say is, don’t beat yourself up.”

He begins to fidget with his fingers, no longer looking at you. “I’ve just felt like an absolute asshole for years.”

“You’re not,” you reassure him with a smile that makes it difficult for him to return it. “Because–I don’t regret our relationship. Even if you did…leave.”

Wow, that felt weird to say. You’ve kept these feelings brewing inside your head for years, making you think back of all the times you’ve rehearsed saying them in front of your mirror, as if you were going to see him again. You had felt stupid and naive back then. But here you are. And there he is.

“Well,” he says after a while and you see how he’s holding back his expression of relief. “I don’t regret anything either. I just wish…I didn’t–”

“Y/N.”

You both hear the voice from behind the closed door, and as it swings open, you’re met with Hoseok’s cheery face that slowly fades as his eyes settle on Taehyung.

A silence.

“Uh, hey–Hoseok,” you finally say, making the both of them look at you. “Um–Hoseok, this is Taehyung, my friend.”

Hoseok takes a while to remove his eyes from you and to Taehyung. You notice his hand and crook of an elbow are occupied with two cups of coffee, as usual.

As if the trance that fell over him had suddenly worn off, Hoseok rushes over to Taehyung’s side, placing a cup on the table and extending his free hand out to him.

“Hey, really good to meet you! I hear you’re a good friend of Y/N’s.”

Taehyung gives him a nervous smile as he takes his hand. “Yeah, it’s a pleasure.”

“Sorry, I would have gotten you another cup if I would have known you were here,” Hoseok says, and for some reason it sounds cold to you, so unlike Hoseok.

“It’s perfectly fine,” Taehyung replies, anxiously glancing at you for a second.

Yet another silence. “Are you two…in the middle of something important?” Hoseok asks, switching his gaze between you and him.

It’s your time to speak up. “Oh, no, it’s fine. Taehyung was actually–about to leave.”

Hoseok’s gaze settles on Taehyung but you see he’s still looking at you, almost like he was trying to send you some sign. Your eyebrow raises as you return his stare, indicating he should go before this gets any worse.

“Right, I was,” Taehyung says to your relief and standing up from his sitting position.

“Well then, I’ll see you around,” Hoseok says to him as he begins making his way out.

“Yeah, me too man,” Taehyung responds quietly, returning Hoseok’s friendly smile but shooting you one last look as he turns away. He shuts the door behind him, engulfing you and Hoseok alone in a sudden silence.

“Did something happen before I got here?” Hoseok questions, making you snap to his gaze.

“What? What do you mean?”

“Nothing, he just seemed a bit…weird.”

Your mind rattles to find what to say. “He’s just…shy.”

Hoseok nods and you feel as though he doesn’t believe you. “Well, I’ll get going. You seem kind of busy right now.”

You weren’t doing anything, so you knew he wasn’t leaving because of that reason. “No, it’s really fine Hoseok–”

“I actually have a patient now. I gotta go,” Hoseok says but his soft expression doesn’t falter as his ice cold words pierce through you. You knew he was lying but you didn’t know why he was acting like this. Was this really all because of Taehyung? Nothing had even happened.

“Uh–okay,” you say, deciding to not push it further. “Thanks for the coffee. Again.”

“It’s on me,” he says with a slight smile so you’re sure he hadn’t completely changed. “Let’s talk later. Maybe a discussion on weekend plans?”

You can’t help but feel amused. He was really trying to hit it with you right now. “We’ll see.”

“That’s the closest answer to a ‘yes’ I’ve ever got,” he says and both of you let out a laugh. “See you later, Y/N.”

“Bye, Hoseok.”

You linger in the silence once he leaves, and it gives you an opportunity for you to think about your conversation with Taehyung. He said he was sorry. Were you relieved? Those were the words you’ve been waiting for for years, but for some reason you didn’t feel at ease.

You exhale deeply and slide the cup of coffee Hoseok brought you closer to you, before throwing it into the bin.

You sit in the lunchroom, almost empty besides two or three other people. You dread opening your lunch box, instead playing the edges and sliding it across the table. Your eyes scan the room one last time before you feel your phone buzz in your pocket.

I have a patient right now, can’t make it to lunch. -Hoseok

You groan, resting your head on your folded arms. You were hoping to share Hoseok’s lunch again, knowing how much effort he put into his meals.

Your nose is filled with the smell of bread and microwave when you click your lunchbox open. Holding a piece between your fingers, you take an unenthusiastic bite, swallowing it slowly.

Somebody pulls a chair from your table out, taking a seat. You snap your head up to look at the stranger, when you realise it’s Taehyung.

“Oh, hey,” you say, putting your sandwich down into your lunch box and dusting off the crumbs on your fingers. Your heartbeat speeds up and you find yourself clenching your body nervously.

“You always look shocked when you see me,” Taehyung says, his body facing you and slinging his arm over the chair. You hold back a sigh at how he looks at you, a smirk tugging at his lips and an eyebrow up.

“You just don’t feel real sometimes,” you joke but you’re honest. Seeing him now seems like the dream you’ve occasionally thought of when you’re alone or daydreaming and your mind goes to places. He felt like he was part of your imagination, and he might as well be.

“Whatcha eating there?” He asks, leaning forward to look over your abandoned sandwich missing a piece at the edge as his face distorts into subtle disgust. You notice how he doesn’t follow up on your earlier comment.

“A cheese sandwich,” you answer. “And it is not even that bad.”

“Why does it look so soggy?”

“Listen, I was in a rush–”

He laughs, throwing his head back and you stare at the skin of his neck. You felt like the same girl you were back in medical school, giggly and head over heels in love. It’s been years, and he shouldn’t be this alluring to you anymore, but he is.

“Let’s get out of here, then,” he suggests and you quirk an eyebrow.

“…Where?”

“Anywhere but here. Preferably somewhere that doesn’t smell like stale bread,” Taehyung replies, his answers always vague. “Quick!”

He grabs your wrist, dragging you out of your chair before you could even get up and making you almost trip. You giggle at the commotion.

“Taehyung, my stuff–”

“We have better priorities, Y/N!”

You giggle again, avoiding the curious stares thrown at you as he drags you out of the room and leads you along the white walls of the corridors that seemed almost endless with him in front of you.

“Where are you going?” You ask through pants. He looks back at you, a grin across his face, and then he’s turning back without an answer. You bloom into a smile. It reminds you so much of how you two used to be, and you would be lying if you didn’t say you were happiest back then. Happier than you had been before, and happier than you have been for the past five years.

He rushes you past the main entrance and past the waiting room and past the offices, his fingers still wrapped around your wrist and your eyes digging into his figure.

“Taehyung!” You call out.

“Just wait!” He replies, making you roll your eyes.

“Are you sure your shift–”

He hauls a door open before grabbing your shoulders and shoving you into the room. You let out a squeak of surprise, and he’s already joining you and closing the door behind, almost stumbling over a mop resting against the wall.

“Why the hell are we in the janitor’s room?” You ask in slight disbelief, placing your hand on your hip.

“Don’t judge so quick,” he replied, pushing past you and towards the shelf of supplies. You’re still confused, watching him pull out a sealed cardboard box from the shelf and plop it onto the floor. “You got something sharp?”

You scan the surroundings before looking down at yourself. “I have a pen,” you say, pulling out your pen from the pocket of your coat.

He takes it from your hands, fingers brushing over yours and making your heart leap. Taehyung presses the top of the pen and stabs the the plastic sealing the opening of the box with the tip. You hear a ‘pop’ and then the sound of tearing.

After a few more moments of fumbling and pulling the plastic off, Taehyung opens the cardboard box to reveal an array of store bought snacks. The wrapping of red and yellow and blue and green burst into the grayscale room, making you erupt into a grin.

“Treat yourself,” he says, pulling out a packet of salt chips for himself and taking a seat down on a storage box in front of the shelf.

“Wow,” you say, bending down to pick up a chocolate bar. “Where did you get this from?”

“My late night shifts at work have a lot of disadvantages,” he says as he rips the packet open. “But it did let me get to know one of the janitors.”

“And I should be thanking him for this?” You ask as the sweet chocolate infiltrates your taste buds, replacing the taste of stale bread and unmelted cheese.

“Just for the storage,” he replies and the crunch of chips in his mouth makes you turn towards him. “I bought everything, on the house.”

“Well, thank you,” you say, staring at your feet and letting the chocolate melt on your tongue.

“Keep it a secret though. This is meant for just you and me,” Taehyung says, glancing up at you through hooded lids and you can barely return the eye contact.

“I like this exclusive club we have going on here,” you comment, taking another bite.

Suddenly, he’s dusting off the salt and crumbs on his hands and standing up. He begins walking towards you and encases you in his arms. You’re slow to react, even as he indulges himself in your neck. Your hands push against him, and it doesn’t take much for him to back off.

“It’s too soon, Taehyung.”

His expression is a mix of hurt and confused, and it makes you regret pushing him off. That is before you remind yourself how hard you fell for him years ago, and how much you can’t go back to that.

“Sorry,” he says, bowing his head to the floor and taking a few steps away from you. “I’m really sorry Y/N–”

“It’s fine,” you interrupt him. You know how he gets when he feels guilty; like the words ‘I’m sorry’ is all he’s ever known. You’ve experienced it plenty of times before, but never like this. Never so gut wrenching and heart twisting. “My lunch break just ended,” you say to fill the silence and get out.

He just nods. His silence over his usual bouncy self never failed to make your heart ache.

“Let’s do this again, tomorrow,” you tell him to reassure him everything was fine.

That was the problem with Taehyung. He never thought with his mind, just his heart. You know he thinks you pushing him off meant you didn’t want him to touch you like that, but only you knew it was because you couldn’t bring yourself to loving him again.

“Yeah, of course,” he says a bit too timidly, still feeling insecure about the incident.

“Let me grab one last bar before I go,” you say as he lifts the box up from the floor and you scavenge the contents. You pick up another piece of chocolate.

“I don’t remember you as a chocolate lover,” he says, turning back to you as he stacks the box back up on the top shelf. His shoulders seem to relax, as if he snaps himself out of his state.

“Seasons change,” you say smiling.

“You don’t,” Taehyung answers, walking past you and opening the door before giving you that smirk he always gives you.

You both walk out into the open again, the white walls contrasting against the gray ones and it makes your eyes hurt for the first few seconds.

“I’ll see you around, Y/N” he says, rubbing the back of his head and making his hair dance around.

“Yeah,” you say, hiding your hands in the pockets of your coat. “Maybe we’ll operate together.”

He gives you a crooked smile. “Sounds like fun.”

Your fingers tremble as you hold the envelope in your hands. Somebody bumps into you and murmurs an apology, almost making you drop it.

You were standing in the middle of a crowd of students, recently released from their last class of the year. A busy noise filled the bustling corridor, but all you could hear was your heart in your ears, pumping quicker and quicker by the second.

“Y/N!”

You turn around and spot Taehyung’s head, seemingly drowning in the sea of people. You bloom into a smile and all your nervous energy seems to dissipate for a second. He makes his way towards you with some difficulty, the same cardboard colored envelope between his fingers and a anxious smile across his face.

“You didn’t read it, did you?” You ask.

“No, did you?”

“Of course not.”

“Right,” he says, releasing a deep sigh. “On one. Three, two, one.”

Both of you pull the piece of paper out of the envelope at the same time and your eyes dart to the bottom of the page, your hands shaky and your mind blank.

You pull the piece of paper away from your face to look at Taehyung, and he does the same.

“You first,” you say.

“93%.”

You squeal, wrapping your arms around his neck and he reciprocates by holding your waist close to his body. “That’s amazing, Tae.”

“Okay, your turn.” He says, but notices how your smile falters as he pulls away. “Oh, come on. I’m sure you did incredible. Don’t be embarrassed–”

“94%.”

“Okay, I see how it is,” he says, grinning and hugging you again, making you giggle into the crook of his neck. The corridor had cleared, leaving maybe half a dozen people with you and Taehyung left. “We need to celebrate,” he says, intertwining his fingers in yours.

“Right,” you say, your cheeks hurting from smiling so much. “To another year!”

Your heart speeds up considerably, and this time it has nothing to do with your end reports.

Today. You were going to tell him. Hey, Taehyung. It’s me, Y/N. So…I’ve got something to tell you. But you needed to get to the point.

Taehyung! There’s something you should know, right now! But that was too forward.

Tae, I need to tell you something that’s on my mind lately. Actually, it’s been on my mind ever since the day we met. I love–

“Y/N.”

His voice snaps you out of your daydream. All the humor and relief had washed off his face, replaced with a tone of seriousness that you often don’t see.

“I have something to tell you.”

You both stop in your tracks and turn to face each other. Your mouth parts as you stare into his eyes, all the organs in your body seemingly momentarily ceases to function.

Was he–was he going to confess?

Were you really not as crazy as you always thought when you thought his gaze on you lingered a bit too long? When his fingers brush over yours? When he swims in your eyes and holds your hands in his?

“Yes?” You ask, your focus entirely on Taehyung and everything about him. His mouth, his eyes, his hair, his neck. Your fingers tremble, forcing you to hold onto the material of your sleeves as you await his words.

“I’m leaving.”

Ringing. It’s deafening in your ears but you’re sure only you can hear it.

Beating. Your heart stops to beat.

And blurry. You don’t know why you suddenly can’t see but you soon realise it’s the tears that clouded your vision.

“You’re…what?”

“I’m moving.”

There’s silence, but you can’t bear it. You want to speak, you want to know why and where and how and for who but you can’t form words.

“I’m moving to the big city,–and I’m gonna continue my studies over there.”

“I–”

“I’m sorry. I meant to tell you a month ago, but I’ve always been too scared. I didn’t mean to spring it this up on you, and today of all days–”

“But–”

“Y/N, I’m really sorry. Please stop crying.”

“Tae–”

“Listen, let’s forget about this. We just finished our first year! Let’s get some drinks! Maybe some English Breakfast, your favourite! Or explore the town one last time–”

“One last time?” You finally say as tears roll down your cheeks. “Why, Tae? Why did you have to do this–”

“I’m sorry! I already told you that I am!” He yells, his eyebrows creasing and his voice getting louder and aggressive, making a few heads turn around.

“Why–”

“There’s nothing for me here!” He shouts, making you flinch and his expression automatically softens at the sight. “Y/N. I’m sorry–”

“Why are you shouting at me?” You whimper.

“Y/N–”

“What the–fuck– is wrong with you?” You suddenly burst out, immense furiosity replacing disbelief, punching his arms and chest with your fist. He puts up his hands in defence. “Why are you leaving me?” You let out a wail.

“I already told you–”

“Stop talking. Stop talking, stop talking, stop talking.” You put your fist down, your other hand still clenching onto the envelope. “Just–shut up.”

“Please Y/N–”

“I can’t look at you anymore. I need to go.” You began to leave; to where, you had no idea, but you just had to get away from him. His fingers are wrapped around your wrist and you wrestle away from his grip.

“Y/N, please. Don’t go just yet. Please, I have one last day here–”

“Spend it with somebody else,” you grumble, hot tears still streaming down as you make your way to the exit.

“Y/N–”

But you’re already gone.

The next day, he leaves you forever.

It was late at night, and you felt as though you were practically drowning in paperwork. You hated yourself for only realising the deadline for these were tomorrow after Hoseok had to remind you, and now you were stuck here way past the end of your shift.

You glance at the clock, and see that it’s only been two minutes since the last time you checked. It’s been awhile since you’ve been in work in these late hours, maybe a month or so.

You look around your office draped in darkness, the only source of light coming from your dull lit desk lamp. Your wooden desk, a small single lounge chair facing you, and the door that so wrongfully opened into your space rather than out. Things like this remind you how you wanted to be an architect when you were in pre-school, and it might have been a bit easier and less scary than this job.

Architects probably didn’t have to worry about losing lives every time they went to work. Unless they were really bad architects and everything they built caved in on its roof.

Why were you thinking about this? You relax back into your chair. It made your back uncomfortable, but you didn’t complain. You rolled your neck around and you hear a crack. Should you be worried? You didn’t know. After all, you were only a heart surgeon.

Your phone starts ringing. It startles you and you scurry to pick it up. Your body freezes as your eyes adjust to the brightness and see the caller I.D. flashing on the screen.

Doctor Heart.

He still had your number saved. And so did you. You could never bring yourself to delete it or change his name when he left, and apparently he had felt the same.

“Hello?” You ask almost precautionary as you pick up. Your heart races dangerously.

“Y/N?” Taehyung’s voice comes through your phone and a shiver runs up your spine.

You hadn’t really seen or spoken him outside of lunch in the janitor’s room. You thought the lack of heart surgeons would mean you would be working side by side all the time, but it actually resulted in you always having different shifts from him.

Now that you were here, hearing him say your name, you realised how much you’ve been aching for this moment ever since that first day you saw him again.

“Taehyung?” You ask, as if you still didn’t have his number still saved. You weren’t making that mistake again.

“Hey, I gotta problem. Are you still here?”

You frown. “The hospital? Yeah, I am.”

“Great. Meet me up on the third floor.” You’re about to say something but he hangs up. You give a deep exhale for nobody but you to hear. He never tells you anything before you’re already knee-deep into the issue, like always.

You take one look at the pile of reports you still had to do before standing up and leaving them to rest untouched on your desk. As much as you hated it, this was so much more important. A few things were more important than Taehyung, even to this day.

You take the elevator up and the silence allows you to wander your mind. Why was he up on the third floor? It was the maternity ward, nowhere close to the intensive care unit, and even you haven’t been up there for more than once. Why would he be at the maternity ward?

The elevator slides open and you step out. The hallway is dark but lights up as you step out. “Taehyung?”

There’s no noise and you suddenly feel terrified at the eerie silence.

Suddenly, a pair of hands grip onto the back of your coat, making you let out a squeal of surprise and horror. You don’t need to turn around when you hear a fit of laughter from behind you, and you kneel down to feel your quick heartbeat.

“Not. Funny,” you say, panting. It makes Taehyung laugh even harder.

“It was kind of funny,” he says as he calms down. “I thought your soul had left your body.”

You chuckle and turn fully towards him, your face painting an expression of amusement. “Okay, jokes aside, I’m here. What did you need me for?”

His smile erupts into a grin. “Follow me,” he says, already starting to walk through the corridors of the ward. You do follow him, observing your unfamiliar surroundings.

“You have business in the maternity ward?” You ask him, your tone oozing with sarcasm.

“My wife went into labor recently.”

You stop. “What?”

He turns back at you and lets out a laugh. “Joking.”

“Okay, good. You’re still young,” you say, rushing so you’re at his side and he chuckles.

“To answer your question, I have no business here, so let’s keep it down. We don’t want to wake up any babies or mothers, and especially any nurses that could get us fired.”

“Right,” you nod, lowering your voice down to a hushed whisper. You almost laugh at how much neither of you had changed. He’s still the same old troublemaker, and for whatever reason, you’re still following him.

You continue walking, all the way to the end of the corridor where all the rooms had stopped and you were left with blank walls and cleaning supplies.

“Where are you going?”

“Just wait,” he says, turning a corner. You’re both left with the door to the roof and you let out a laugh.

“Are you serious?” You ask in disbelief.

“Perfectly so,” Taehyung says, sending you a smirk as he pushes the door open, letting out a gust of strong wind that hits your body and makes you shiver.

He steps out and holds the door for you, waiting for you to walk through. You send him a look, but follow after him anyways.

“What do you think?” He asks.

You’re too busy rubbing your hands against your arms for heat to notice the view. The night was a deep blue, but you could see everything.

The city was still awake, bright lights illuminating the streets and the interior of buildings nearby. Cars were still driving. Everybody still had somewhere to go.

But then, you look up. A deep navy sky littered with bright white.

The night of the party had felt so insignificant compared to every other memory you’ve had with him, but you remember the sky that night with his arm draped over you and his coat over your shoulders.

“Y/N?” Taehyung asks, snapping you out of your trance and you remember his question.

“I love it,” you say, slightly lost for words.

“It really puts things in perspective,” he says, walking closer to the edge.

“Taehyung–You’re not going to–jump–are you?”

He turns around and laughs. “Who do you think I am? First, a husband and father, now suicidal?”

You join in his laughter. “Just–making–sure.”

Taehyung breaks your gaze on him and stares out into the scenery, leaning over the railway.

“I guess it does,” you say, stepping forward so you stand next to him. “Put things in perspective, i mean.”

“Everything becomes so small when you see it from here,” he replies and it’s almost a whisper.

You both linger in the silence that falls over you two, covered by the sound of traffic below and the wind rushing past your ears.

“Y/N.”

You face him as your fingers wrap around the rusty metal of the railway. “Yes?”

“I’m sorry.”

You sigh. “Taehyung–”

“Really, I am.” More silence. “I probably made you feel pretty worthless. And the way I handled it wasn’t the best.”

“It’s in the past,” you say, but your heart burns at his words. “I’m not angry anymore.”

“But it’s not in the past,” he interrupts. “I can still feel it.”

You don’t reply, because he’s right. The tension between the two of you had not settled down over time since he’s entered your life again, and you’re worried it will never leave.

“Please, Y/N. I need to know. What do you really feel?”

You look at him again. “What I feel?”

“About me. About what happened.”

You don’t talk.

“Please. I need to know. It’s been too long.”

You release a deep exhale, closing your eyes and feeling the breeze smack your face. “Well…” you pause, unable to muster up the words despite so many thoughts and feeling swimming around in your head. “I–I was…really hurt.”

His gaze breaks away from you to bow his head to the floor. You didn’t know what he expected you to say. Of course you were hurt. You’re still hurt.

There’s nothing for me here, he had said. You remember that so clearly. It was one of the things you remembered the most. His words rung in your ears when you fell asleep and followed you everywhere you went.

But he was wrong. You were there for him.

“I was angry, but only for a bit,” you continue after a silence had settled over a few seconds. “When I stopped being angry–I was just–sad.” A pause. “I didn’t know why…why you were leaving. I thought–I don’t know what I thought.”

He takes in a deep breath, lingering in the second after. “I was only partly honest that day, you know.”

“What?” You snap your head towards his but he avoids your gaze.

“Well, I was leaving because the city had more opportunities. But I also left–because I couldn’t stand you not–loving me.”

You can’t say anything, even if you had wanted to. The rust of metal on your palms seemed slippery under your touch, and your heart ached.

“What are you talking abo–”

“You didn’t love me,” he repeats but it doesn’t make it any clearer. “I thought–just maybe–you felt the same, but then you never said anything. I just assumed–”

He stops himself, taking in another sigh.

“Sorry, this is a lot to get out,” Taehyung says.

You don’t move because your mind couldn’t process the weight of what he was saying. Did he just–

He speaks again. “I thought that I needed to get away from you so I could stop myself before I fell too deep, but being away made me miss you more. It didn’t make anything easier. I couldn’t even become a doctor when I graduated because it reminded me of you.”

“Tae–”

“I was searching for something, like I told you back in that cafe. I couldn’t find it. Until, now.”

“–Hyung.”

“I’m sorry,” he says, finally looking at you. “It was the worst decision I’ve ever made. I never want to leave you again.”

“Please–”

“I love you.”

You kiss him.

His lips are plush and his smell is intoxicating, but in all the right ways. Your arms sling around his nape to bring him closer, until his body melt into yours and all you could feel was him. His hands slither around your waist and bruise the skin. His mouth moves so well and fluently against yours, and you think that your mouth was made to kiss his.

You momentarily part to breath, resting your forehead against his.

“I guess this means you love me back,” he whispers.

You release from his clutches and begin smacking his arm, making him release sounds of surprise. “You–are–such–an–idiot!”

Then, he’s laughing and you join. “Was it that obvious?” He asks between pants.

“You’re so stupid. I can’t believe you sometimes,” you say instead of directly answering you before bringing his body back to yours. The two of you stay like that for a while.

“We’re both pretty stupid,” he mumbled, resting his chin on your head and playing with your hair.

“I’ve thought for all those years that you didn’t love me,” you say into the material of his jumper. “You thought that town had nothing for you.”

“That town had everything for me,” he replies. “It had you.”

You can’t help but feel tears roll down your cheek, staining the skin. “I’m so sorry, Tae.”

“You did nothing wrong.”

“I left.”

“You were angry.”

“I didn’t even say a proper goodbye.”

“I wouldn’t have either if I was you,” he continues to counteract and it only makes you grip his body closer to yours.

“You were alone. You must have felt so shitty.”

“I was shitty. A shitty friend who just didn’t know how to love properly.”

“I’ve never regretted anything more than that day,” you admit, looking up at him. “I wish I would have said something, or stayed with you until the end.”

It feels as though you had just breathed out the deepest exhale from the bottom of your lungs all the way up, pushing through your lips. The words you seem to have rehearsed over and over and over again finally left you. The scenarios you’ve played over in your head everywhere you went was happening right now.

“None of that matters, Y/N. You’re here, I’m here. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

He pulls you into another kiss and your heart drops. This was all you’ve ever wanted. All you ever dreamt of. All you’ve ever wished for. It was really happening.

His lips were really against yours. Those words had really left his mouth. His hands were really sliding up and down your body, gripping and rubbing in all the right places, until it meets the curve of your ass.

Taehyung breaks away from the kiss and sighs into your neck. Your eyes are blown wide at the gesture, making your fingers clench around the material on his shoulders. “I’ve been wanting to do that for so long,” he whispers, making shivers run up your spine.

“Tae, not here,” you mumble back, barely able to make your voice loud enough to comprehend.

“Your office then,” he says, arms encasing around your figure and lifting you off the ground. You let out a noise of surprise, holding onto his shoulders even firmer than before and giggling. He carries you back inside before putting you down and grabbing your wrist to run through the corridors together.

Your feet echo throughout the hallway so you both run even faster, suppressing your laughter like you were young again. He kisses you in the elevator and grips your waist as you run back to your office.

He hurries inside before you can and pushes you against the closed door, smashing his lips on you. You react instantly, hooking your leg around his hip and he grabs it, pushing his body flush against yours. The kiss halts for a second as you let out a whimper of a moan, your eyes screwed shut and mouth agape.

“Let it out, baby,” he whispers and you can just tell he’s smirking. You let out another whimper at the nickname.

“Taehyung,” you say as your head lolls backwards, hitting the wood of the door behind you. His name is etched onto your tongue, your mind drunk on his image.

He begins unbuttoning your blouse, almost too slowly. You shiver as your exposed chest meets the harsh breeze of the room, and then you almost collapse as Taehyung reaches out to play with you through your bra.

You’re a mess, panting and rolling your eyes, gripping onto him as if he was your only life support and letting go of him would only mean death. His hand cups over your bra and pulls it down to latch his mouth around and suck lightly. You let out a deep groan, digging your fingers into his scalp and throwing your jerking limps over his body.

He lets go after a few moments, leaving you breathless before his fingers caress your waist, then your hip, then along the skin of your thighs. “Let me touch you,” he says. His eyes are lidded and his head is tilted to the side, staring into you like a predator and making you almost incapable of standing upright.

You don’t hesitate to follow his words, unbuttoning your pants and letting them pool at your feet. You step out of them in your heels and Taehyung practically growls at the sight, pushing you flush against the door again with his body.

His hand reaches down and lightly brushes over you, making you flinch, his index finger creates a rhythm of flicking back and forth against you.

“Tae–”

“Baby,” he grumbles, attacking your neck with his mouth. Your mind was going blurry and if he wasn’t holding you up, you would not be standing.

Suddenly, he removes all contact with you, stepping back and looking you up and down. “Lie down on the desk.”

You can’t say anything even if you wanted to, your hands going to cover your body. His eyes are like fire, as if you could burn yourself if you got too close to the flame. You follow his orders, shuffling things around your desk so you could fit.

Taehyung rushes forward, smirking, shoving and throwing everything off and onto the floor. “Tae–”

“Lie down.”

You close your mouth, feeling your heart rush to your cheeks. You lie down onto the desk, the surface warm against your almost bare back. He grabs your inner thighs to pull apart and you let out a whimper.

“This is the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen,” Taehyung says, leaning back to see all of you at once. You avert your gaze from, smiling. “Spread out, all for me.”

He’s unzipping his pants, kicking out of them and pushing your underwear aside. You’re too shy to see, but you can practically feel the heat emitting from it.

“Please, baby,” he says, leaning his head against your inner thigh and kissing the other one. “Give me the okay.”

“Taehyung,” you say, closing your eyes. “Please.”

If your eyes had not already been screwed shut, they would have been by now. Your mouth hangs open, failing to push back your moans.

He’s still in you after the first thrust, kissing your knee and running his hand up and down your thigh. “Fuck,” he whimpers.

You don’t need to tell him to keep going because he does, pulling back and thrusting forward again. Another round of moans leave you, your body flailing around and reaching out for anything to grab onto.

“You look so fucking good,” he whispers, thrusting again and setting a slow rhythm. “I’m your first, aren’t I?”

You nod, biting onto your finger.

“Good,” he growls. “I’ve always wanted to be your first.”

“Tae–”

“Have you been waiting for me all these years?” He asks, voice deep.

“There’s nobody–like–you,” you say through desperate pants. “Of course–I waited for–for you.”

“Fuck,” he mumbles again, looking down at where your bodies connect. “I love you so much.”

“Taehyung–”

“Please baby, please let go,” he begs, gripping your thighs tighter and reaching a hand to rub your clit.

You do let go. Your mouth hangs open, sound unable to come out as you’re momentarily paralysed in pleasure. Your hands desperately claw at his body, his thighs and his chest. He moans at the sight, thrusting in and out to draw out your peak.

“Ugh, baby,” he groans before he’s pulling out and spilling onto your stomach. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he saws, watching himself let go on your skin. The substance feels warm against you and you wish he could have let go in you instead, wanting to feel it stain your very insides.

“Tae,” you whisper, sitting up and clutching his shirt to pull him into a long kiss. His mouth moves slowly and fluently against yours, bringing his hand back to your waist.

“Shit, wait,” he breaks away. “Where are your tissues?”

“On the floor somewhere,” you answer as you watch him scavenge the ground and around your belongings piling up. You look down at yourself, watching his fluid run down your stomach, the space between your legs tingling. You reaches out to get a bit on your finger before you’re enveloping it in the warmth of your mouth.

Your eyes flutter close at the taste, mostly because it’s Taehyung you’re tasting. As your eyes peel open, you see Taehyung is staring right at you, lips agape and eyes wide.

“Fuck,” he groans and he rubs your stomach with tissues. “That was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. Mm baby, was that really your first time?”

You’re suddenly insecure, jumping down from the desk to grab your clothes.

“Don’t be embarrassed Y/N,” Taehyung says, wrapping his hands around you before you could start getting dressed. “You did so good.”

“It’s just–”

“It doesn’t matter how old you are, or how long we’ve been apart,” he interrupts, kissing along your jawline and making you sigh. “All that I care about is that we’re finally together again.”

You drop your pants from the fingers and don’t watch as they hit the floor. Your fingers pull him back to you and caress the sides of his face, almost unable to comprehend he was real and he was yours. Finally.

“I love you,” he whispers.

“I love you,” you repeat as he pulls you into a kiss.

If only things were as simple as that exchangement of words. But nothing was ever simple with Taehyung. It will never be.

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