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surfalldaybaby · 4 years

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”A Very Long and Comprehensive Analysis of Feyre’s Experience w/ Trauma and Abuse

- This is not a kind analysis of Nesta but please still read it if you want. It’s not in the wrong tags tho so please don’t rant about how much you love Nesta. I love that for you. Personally, I hate her. :)

Also- I use many of the quotes that @feysandlover and @dont-rattle-aelin used to prove her point that Nesta is abusive because she pulled many of the really jarring ones.

I was looking through the Rhysand tag and for some reason someone posted something comparing Nesta and Feyre in terms of their trauma, and they said that Nesta had experienced way more trauma than Feyre and I-

That’s disgusting.

First - don’t compare trauma

Second- they were wrong and lacked critical thinking skills that left out Feyre’s full experience with abuse

Nesta was sexually assaulted ( which nobody talks about enough) and her family’s fortune flipped making them poor overnight. Because of this she fostered anger towards her father. I get that. I sympathize with that. She is then taken away from her life and forcefully changed into fae. I cannot imagine what that felt like for her. It must have been devastating. Her whole identity was shifted in one day and she went from hating fae to being fae. Confusing and overwhelming. She then goes into war and develops PTSD and depression from her experiences. She sees her father die and is unable to reconcile her anger and his death. It’s horrible and I cannot even begin to understand the depth of her emotions here. I have zero issue saying that about Nesta because it’s true she has gone through extaordinary trauma and I cannot imagine how she fully feels. She deals with this trauma in unhealthy ways because they only exacerbate her feelings of worthlessness. Not her fault. However, she also treats Mor and Feyre and Rhys in disrespectful ways and Cassian and her have an unhealthy dynamic where they insult each other. Her and Amren have a shaky and partner like relationship but it is by no means a sturdy one. Az and Nesta don’t seem to have a relationship at all. She has no true healthy relationship with anyone but Elain, and you could argue even that is not truly healthy.

Much of Nesta’s trauma is due to extraneous factors and a multitude or variables. It’s valid and it matters just as much as Feyres. They are both real. However the amount of traumatic experiences she has gone through does not come close to rivaling that of Feyre’s and to even try and compare them is disgusting. Trauma should never be compared but I want to show Feyre’s experience in a broader light to show her development from a scared girl to high lady

Feyre was never an active abuser in any relationship she was always the one being abused. Nesta was abused and she was also the abuser. It is important to point that out because it heavily impacts Feyre’s story.

Also, I believe the reason Feyre became so accustomed and slipped so easily into being a victim to Tamlins abuse is because Feyre was already the victim of emotional abuse from her sisters. We see this everyday, research shows that victims of abuse go back to abusive relationship and form new relationships that center around abuse because they are used to it and find it comforting. This is an extraneous point that you can agree with or can argue against it’s just a personal connection I made. However, it is very evident how Nesta and Elains treatment of Feyre affects her. She has no self confidence, she remains illiterate and with no real knowledge of polite manners ( something important in the real world, something that holds her back from being able to assimilate into the real world), her spirit is broken down at home because she knows that verbal attacks are going to come and Nesta is going to lash out and say horrible disgusting things to her if she asks her to do something or holds her accountable for her lack of work. She is constantly degraded for everything that she does and it has a pronoucned effect on her psyche throughout the trilogy and novella.

Like Nesta, Feyre also had to go through her family losing their fortune, she also had to bear the weight of her promise to her mother, she had to support her sisters financially going into the forest alone to hunt animals just as big as herself at 14. She never had money for herself because her sisters took it from her. Like they literally took all her money to buy things they did not need, leaving Feyre with basically nothing.

“I’d love a new cloak,” Elain said at last with a sigh, at the same moment Nesta rose and declared: “I need a new pair of boots.””“I kept quiet, knowing better than to get in the middle of one of their arguments, but I glanced at Nesta’s still-shiny pair by the door. Beside hers, my too-small boots were falling apart at the seams, held together only by fraying laces... I drowned them out as they began quarreling over who would get the money the hide would fetch tomorrow…”

And Nesta complains and whines and doesn’t stop gaslighting Feyre because of her lack of hard work. But, she doesn’t want to do work herself because she thinks it’s beneath her.

“I thought you were going to chop wood today. Nesta picked at her long, neat nails. “I hate chopping wood. I always get splinters. She glanced up from beneath her dark lashes. Of all of us, Nesta looked the most like our mother—especially when she wanted something. “Besides, Feyre,” she said with a pout, “you’re so much better at it! It takes you half the time it takes me. Your hands are suited for it—they’re already so rough.” My jaw clenched. “Please,” I asked, calming my breathing, knowing an argument was the last thing I needed or wanted. “Please get up at dawn to chop that wood.” I unbuttoned the top of my tunic. “Or we’ll be eating a cold breakfast.” Her brows narrowed. “I will do no such thing!”

She doesn’t care about Feyre or the fact that starving is their new reality. Poverty is what they live in. We all know if Feyre didn’t go hunting Nesta would be furious at Feyre and belittle her and make her feel small and responsible for their hunger.

“Take those disgusting clothes off.”

“Any bit of praise for anyone—me, Elain, other villagers—usually resulted in her dismissal.”

“Is there a problem, Feyre?” She flung my name like an insult, and my jaw ached from clenching it so hard.”

“You stink like a pig covered in its own filth. Can’t you at least try to pretend that you’re not an ignorant peasant?”c“Take those disgusting clothes off.”

“What do you know?” Nesta breathed. “You’re just a half-wild beast with the nerve to bark orders at all hours of the day and night. Keep it up, and someday—someday, Feyre, you’ll have no one left to remember you, or to care that you ever existed.” She stormed off, Elain darting after her, cooing her sympathy.

Then Tamlim comes and kidnaps her. More trauma. She falls in love with him, I think partly because of Stockholm Syndrome and also because he shows her a level of kindness that she was not given at home, and then he disappears so she has to go back to her life with her sisters. Her sisters have all the benefits of her being stolen away bcs Feyre was able to provide their old house and wealth back through Tamlin’s gift. Her sisters literally never did anything to provide for themselves or help their father or sister. If you really think about that situation as a whole it’s devastating. Then she goes to save Tamlin and finds that her home and her loved one was basically destroyed. She goes to save him.

While under the mountain Amarantha humiliates and tortures her for fun. She makes her run around trying to get away from a monster, her illiteracy is exploited for amusement while she is under pressure of death by fire, she is forced to kill fae in order to save her love, and she has to suffer with her injuries in a basement where everyone is rooting against her.

Then she fucking dies. And like Nesta she is forced to become fae in order to survive. Like she can’t catch a break. Her whole life has really just been horrible and so traumatic. A series of abuses.

That’s not even all! She goes home and is deeply depressed and struggling with PTSD and Tamlin, who she literally was tortured and died to save, takes advantage of her sexually because he is too scared to acknowledge that she is struggling. He uses her body for his pleasure while she throws up every night after he leaves her bedroom due to the nightmares she gets from saving hundreds of fae. She is also forced to fit into a box that she doesn’t want- wearing dresses, pretending to be happy, becoming a figurehead as Tamlins bride knowing that it means she will have to be submissive and have children. Lucien emotionally abused her and ignores her obvious depression because of his own fear of what Tamlin would say. He is a bystander. She is so broken that she stops caring about everything, even painting, the one thing she always loved. Then he traps her in his house which is traumatizing again because she was just trapped under the mountain! Even the people she loved, the people she trusted, continually can’t stop abusing her.

She finds happiness and stability later on after intensive work on herself, and months of building healthy relationships, but she is still troubled because of the guilt she feels from the townsfolks anger and their sense of righteousness for her actions even though she did the best she could in every circumstance. When she goes to try and save those townspeople it becomes clear that Nesta still hates her. She shows Feyre no kindness. The only reason she is allowed to use the house, the one that Feyre got for them, was because of Elain. Even after that Nesta insults her repeatedly for being fae. Those statments from the first book that I quoted higher up in this post are just a small part of how she speaks to Feyre in the following three books after she finds out that she is fae. Even after Feyre saves her and supports her she continues abusing and blaming Feyre. She continues to insult. degrade, shame, and humiliate her to uplift her own lack of self worth. Its a technique to stop her own insecurity and depression but it is in no way excusable. It’s no wonder Rhysand hates her. She abused his mate for years- something that he experienced under the mountain (shame, gaslighting, and humiliation). That is her life. She goes on to see her father murdered. She suffered so much in such a short amount of time is a wonder she wasn’t more broken.

Don’t come to me saying Nesta experienced more trauma to prove your point that Nesta is a good person and not responsible for her actions because she “feels to much” and is a woman that is cruel, and prideful, and unapologetic “bcs that’s who she is.” She has to be held accountable for her actions, her attitude, and her lack of words and apologies to everyone she wronged- especially her sister.

Feyre sacrifices her childhood, her body, her mental health, and her life in order to provide the stability that her sisters felt was their norm. They are inherently priviledged because of that sacrifice. They felt and still feel entitled to her money, and her loyalty, and that of her friends and mate. They survive because of Feyre. And Feyre never once called them out on their behavior, not even when they continually disrespected her after she provided them with a place to live and money to live off of. This was due to her feelings of guilt and the trauma that she had continually been victim to as a child and in Tamlins court.

Some of y’all use the excuse that they never asked Feyre to do any of that and I’m genuinely appalled that that is even a response to her genuine sacrifice. Her mother asked her to take care of them. Nobody was stepping up. Nesta was not going to go into the forest and neither was Elain, both for different but equally disappointing reasons. They both would have let the family starve. Also, Nesta and Elain were both older than her. Elain and Nesta as Feyre’s old sisters should have, and had a responsibility, to ensure that Feyre didn’t have to do what she did. Their apathy and ungrateful attitude is disgusting. Disgusting and unforgivable. Sure, Feyre may have been able to do it but she never should have had to. The three of them should have figured out a plan of equal work to give and take and survive. Y’all saying that Feyre never had to do that I- ... do you not have a family? Do you not have loved ones? You don’t have to do something to help your family, but you do it anyway because you love them and you hate to see them suffer. It’s just that usually you aren’t being exploited and taken advantage of at 14, for years on end, because the sentiment is usually reciprocated.

Perhaps if they had taken better care of their younger sister she would not have been in the woods and killed the fae. Perhaps all three of them would have bore the brunt of their fathers injury together and made a family. Perhaps if she hadn’t killed the fae in the forest when she was starving due to her sisters laziness, Elain and Nesta would never have been forced into being fae.

They neglected Feyre. They aren’t as responsible for her as their father ofc but they actively neglected her and Nesta even slut shamed her for her consensual sexual relationship with Isaac. The one thing she had that her sisters couldn’t take and Nesta called her filthy and disgusting for it.

“At least I don’t have to resort to rutting in the hay with Isaac Hale like an animal.”

Nesta remains unapologetic and to me she is not a feminist character. Sarah J Mass tried to use her as that trope to fulfill her idea of a “powerful woman” icon but she’s just a cruel and traumatized woman who people let off the hook. She gets away with it because she gaslights other characters while taking no responsibility for herself. She was abused and traumatized herself but that’s never an excuse for her in turn abusing someone else.

Now I don’t mean to say that Nesta or Elain are irredeemable. Frankly I think they both have potential to be good characters if they just apologized to Feyre in the next book, and really put those sentiments into actions. I do think Nesta is a bad person right now, I think she’s an abuser. And I think it’s hard for abusers to change their pattern of abuse. Elain is less of an outright abuser and more complicit in the abuse. I don’t know if either of them can change, but they definitely won’t if people keep letting them off the hook for their disgusting behavior. I am not impressed or charmed by either of them. Until they show a hint of gratitude and remorse to their sister because as y’all can tell she went through hell to make sure they were taken care of. Not to say that they didn’t do anything for Feyre. They both had important roles to play in the war, and they do have their moments of kindness and bravery and showed they cared for Feyre but abusers can be kind and considerate and brave one minute and then switch up just as fast. It’s about showing a consistent pattern of respect and love.

Just because Feyre took care of Elain and Nesta their whole damn life does not mean she has to be responsible for them as high lady. Also she is not responsible for knowing how to deal with their trauma. Her own abuse, and lack of real world experience- because Nesta and Elain never taught her to read, and Nesta continually degraded and made cruel remarks to Feyre about her lack of manners “ disgusting pig, take off your clothes didn’t anyone teach you ...” (manners she didn’t develop because she was in the forest)- means she is not perfect at confronting Nestas PTSD or depression. Feyre’s intention was always good, whereas you can’t tell me that Nestas was good and pure. She is not exempt from being respectful and kind because she is hurt and has mental illnesses. She is not exempt from apologizing because she “feels to much.”

This applies to all of the IC as well. They are all healing. They all experienced trauma that rivals what Feyre went through. It’s no wonder they built a family from that shared bond. They are healing together- not healed. Nesta is not entitled to Feyre’s care or her friends kindness. She is not entitled to be added into the group painting or their secret jokes or parties because she continues to push them all away. Then she insults them and disrespects them. The inner circle has already suffered so much they are not exactly going to be open to accepting Nesta knowing her history and her current actions and remarks, and the history of the IC. Do y’all not remember Mors family nailing a stake into her body for losing her virginity? Or Cassian, Az, and Rhys being forced to bond together to survive, being called bastards, and being ganged up on by all their peers? Rhys being sexually abused for 50 years and seeing his parents murdered? Az being stuck in a basement so long he became the shadows and his hands being burned so badly they were hard to look at? Or Amren being in the wrong body for centuries and still she and all of the IC remain a family because they try to understand each other and their experiences. Nesta was not only rude to them she was cruel and spiteful, especially to their high lady, and they don’t need an excuse, but especially as victims of abuse, they are not perfect, and they sure as hell are not obligated to embrace Nesta into their family. The IC and Feyre deserve better.

A lot of people have posed the argument that if Nesta was male everyone would love her but I disagree. If an older brother let his sister go hunting alone in the woods for years while sitting on his ass, slut shamed her and called her dirty and disgusting, blamed her for her family’s poverty and spoke to her like she was trash for years and years, verbally and emotionally belittled her, felt entitled to her possessions and her kindness while they were both struggling to heal from abuse, predisposes his sister to accepting abuse as a form of relationship, and then rather than apologize “steels [her] back” and says nothing-not even an apology or a thank you for saving their life tenfold- he would never even have gotten a redemption story, or a mate, let alone a 700 page book. He would be the most hated character in the series but because it’s Nesta and she’s a woman and y’all pose her as this feminist it’s okay that shes abusive all throughout the series.

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ratplagues · 3 years

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🔥 any dishonored thing of ur choosing -deathoftheoutsider

wah okay!! i will talk a bit about the outsider and void then..i dont really wanna frame it as a Hot Take bc i have no interest in starting shit or whatever like ill interact with whatever i want to in this fandom and ignore the rest and everyone else is free to do the same but.

I do not think The Outsider is a “character” in the conventional sense, much less that it does his character or the allegory he wields any justice to be shipped with anyone in the series (at least without seriously considering the implications and framing it in a way that completes the allegory. more on this later)

the outsider and his void are an allegory for Otherness; i’m namely gonna frame it as queerness and neurodiversity, but really anything could fit as long as it’s about you feeling seen as a marginalized and othered person. he is written to represent this allegory, not to be a person with a satisfying narrative arc or dimensions. this is why some people feel that he lacks depth-- he’s not supposed to have depth compared to others in the series, he’s mostly a vehicle for what he represents, and is supposed to be easy to identify with or recognize.

he was born to a life of hardship, suffered at the hands of the rich and powerful, was ignored, cast out, etc. etc. a familiar story. poor, queer, nd, really whatever you wanna frame it as. he was a nobody outcast. in comes the envisioned, they pick him to serve as their martyr and idol without his permission. he then had his name cut away and forgotten, and was thrust onto a pedestal to spend the rest of eternity being worshipped by other outcasts who had suffered at the same hands he had. he has something greatly in common with those who worship him, including the very people who stripped his mortality from him in the first place, but because of this shared hardship (and nothing else), his own autonomous personhood was disregarded completely in favor of The Community needing someone Just Like Them to idolize. if this sounds familiar, that’s because it should!!

his humanity was taken from him, and in his place, an idol was created. his human body is frozen in stone in the center of the void-- retired. out of commission. no longer needed. he was immortalized, transcended. this is traditionally desired, although dishonored is trying to convince you that it is not actually desirable. in the age of internet content creation, you can be immortalized without even being present, without knowing about it. you become what you can do for other people, and what you cannot. people fall in love with an idea of you, the idea of you being like them, and other people come to hate you deeply without even knowing you. people came to hate the outsider more deeply than he ever had been when he was human-- he wasn’t seen when he was human. a pedestal only helps you to be seen. the outsider had the choice made for him to achieve immortality in exchange for the simple joys of being un-known.

he spends all of doto trying to convey this idea to billie through the hollows:

"There is freedom in being hated. There is license in being cast out. Some learn this lesson a little too well." "These people lay their thoughts, their petty wants, their murderous desires in front of me to witness. I cannot turn away." "We carry what was done to us through the rest of our endless days. No one asked if we wanted it." (i like this one. he speaks for the community-- this is a shared experience, one everyone can recognize. however, as a Queer Figure, he never asked for this. he never asked to be immortalized. i like the double meaning here)

not to mention, the entire extent of the outsider’s Sole ability and influence on the real world is to “choose” people and give them untold power over others. this is a fun ironic twist on what marginalized groups endure from powerful people, (dishonored is largely about power imbalances and socioeconomic hierarchies) but it’s also fun to think about in the context of the role model/fan framing-- so many worshippers give their lives to be “chosen” by him. it’s easily framed as an exaggeration of otherwise very real power imbalances and often the flagrant breaching of boundaries existing between creators and fans.

and on the subject of the VOID...ohht he void.....

the void should be a haven for queer folks. for nd folks. it’s wanted by so many to be a safe space, it should be, it’s the Other World! it’s renounced by the abbey, crusaded against, even. but it isn’t. it’s just this limitless, eons-old horizon that hungers and starves for something to fill it. if the outsider is the lament of queer idolatry, the void is the lament of queer Hunger. it is roaming, and restless. it does not belong to the outsider; the outsider cannot survive without it. it’s the desire to belong, not a place of belonging.

the void craves this idol, this outsider-- i, for one, have often experienced hunger for a truly moral and just role model, someone to make the world Right, and i know this is another shared feeling. those who worship the outsider, who drive themselves mad trying to see him or be chosen by him, are suffering from this idol hunger. you see this in a lot of queer and nd kids and young adults. i grew up just having my life and interests like, punctuated by different fixations on different people that i didn’t know at all, only fell in love with the idea of. it happens a lot.

there’s a couple more doto quotes that really highlight this for me:

"They carve my mark into the old bones bleached by the sun. They carve my mark into their skin. They learn true hunger in the Void." "All these charms, these runes and fetid offerings on shrines made for me, will be nothing more than objects worn of meaning. Bones and dead things, thrown into the dirt."

“They learn true hunger in the Void.” is something that i wanna touch on real quick. people can spend their lives obsessing over the idea of what they think the void will cure for them, will fix in their lives, only to find out that it’s just a hollow manifestation of the emptiness they’ve felt all their lives. it’s not the needs met, but the need itself. you have to make the home, it doesn’t already exist and you can’t fucking run to it. it is heartbreaking, frustrating, one of the bleakest messages i’ve ever encountered in a game, but i’ve never felt more seen. by submitting to these ideas, the idea of a perfect unhuman human and the idea of a perfect otherworldly home, you are surrendering your humanity. you’re not only being transformed by the powers gained (if they are gained), you’re essentially dissolving with hunger after never having these needs met. you see so many people in these games whittling themselves down to nothing but base need. empty apartments occupied only by shrines, sometimes containing their corpses. journals of people dedicating their lives to the worship of the outsider, always ending darkly. "I will find this empty place. Somehow the key to open the Void will fall into my hands. In time, I will learn the secret and he will call to me as he called to her."

not to mention The New Envisioned-- prolonged exposure to the void will always, without fail, turn a human into silver void stone. these creatures can no longer interact with or acknowledge the mortal world. they have surrendered themselves to hunger, and cannot be saved. this is celebrated by the cult, honored by them, even. i honestly like....i pity them, and i hate them, and i recognize that i’ve been those people, lmao. when i was at my worst as a teenager, i wasnt so much a person as i was just a shell full of hunger and heartbreak. my personality was defined by who i was a fan of. i think i definitely was Less Human then. the cult of the outsider is a universal experience!!

dishonored, at its core, is a celebration of humanity. it asks you to celebrate human emotion and weakness despite greed and bigotry. the powers are not to be wanted, they are to be ignored, refused. it is human to hunger, but it is Queer and Divergent to make hunger your life’s meaning, to need to learn the secret, find the key, be chosen and loved and cherished, to be made whole by some perfect thing. to find your humanity in something un-human. dishonored sees all that, mourns it with you, and then asks you to find humanity in each other !! love the spine of your lover, the blood draining down the docks, the pause to stretch languidly in the sun of a work day.

and finally...on the topic of outsider shipping....i dont think that, in his god form, it does him much justice to be shipped with anyone. he’s not much of a person, just a projection of his former self and a vehicle for his allegory as discussed-- im sure he could be shipped like this, but it just isn’t satisfying to me in any way. however, let’s talk a bit about his lethal and nonlethal ending. DOTO asks you to make a choice. is it better to give him an abrupt and merciful ending, after deciding that the fury he’s endured at the hands of others’ famine is too much trauma for any mortal to live with? or will you decide that it’s only fair to give him a chance to live the life he never got to, to return his humanity that was taken without his consent? if you choose to free him from the void, i think you can very very easily make the argument that he can be shipped with corvo, or anyone else that can easily be shipped w/ ppl. he’s finally free to live his life as a queer man, can explore the simple and complex joys of being human with other people, navigate the hills and valleys he never got to before. corvo’s just a nice pick bc 1) experienced human/inexperienced human is good, 2) they know each other, but they don’t. this is a good setup. 3) corvo is an older queer man and uhh you cant convince me otherwise lol! and older queer/younger queer is a self indulgence for me. also corvo is just nice. i think he would enjoy helping the outsider navigate his new humanity.

just some thoughts i have running through my head all hours of the day :) this is really long cuz its a combination of a lot of infodumps from discord lmfao

#m #doto #death of the outsider #dishonored #Anonymous #long post

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mallowbees · 4 years

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i dont know much about TMA but ,, could you tell me a bit about avatars? I want to make a sona really bad because they look so cool haha

Oh heck YEAH I can!!

Right so!! Avatars are people who have had experiences with or behavior that aligned with one of the 14(15 kinda?) fear entities and end up serving them!! Throwing people to their, for lack of better words, god, to feed off of their fears and occasionally try to kick of rituals to make their god strong and getting some sweet powers as a reward!

!! It’s gonna be kinda hard to avoid spoilers with explaining this, so I’ll try to keep it to the minimum but some spoilers for avatar people’s stuff :’D !!

The 14 are as follows (I’m just gonna snag most of this from the wiki but anything not in italics is me):

The Burried :

Also called The Center, Choke, Too Close I Cannot Breathe.

The fear of claustrophobia, small spaces, of being unable to breathe and the underground and dust. Being at the centre of everything and it is all pushing down. Fear of being trapped without enough space.

Notable avatar person I can think of is 18th centry guy who worked in a grave yard and would nap in the graves cause it was quiet and when they installed bells incase someone was actually alive when they burried them they could ring it, so someone rang it and he cut the line because he thought they were nice and deserved to sleep, also early episode lost johns cave is a good example but doesnt have an avatar in it so hfgh

The Corruption :

Also called Filth, The Crawling Rot, or The Hive.

This entity is linked closely to our feelings of disgust, of feeling revulsion and fear of corruption, disease, filth. Manifests as mould, bugs, rot, decay, infection. The feeling of your skin crawling.

Jane Prentiss, she wanted to be loved and found love in a bunch of worms in a wasp nest in her attic, so she became their hive, she loves her worms and her worms love her, they sing

Also other guy I genuinely don't know his name he just made everyone sick at that retirement home with disease and hung out at hill top road a few times, got sealed in concrete and he always looked like he was skin and slightly rotting

The Dark :

Also called Mr. Pitch, The Forever Blind, The Sandman

A manifestation of our very primal fear of the dark, of what lies beyond what we can sense. What might be in it?

One of the oldest of the Entities.

Uhh cult kidnapped that one kid i think that was them, i dont know who the dark avatar is actually

The Desolation :

Also called The Lightless Flame, The Torturing Flame, The Devastation, Blackened Earth.

This entity deals in fear of pain, of loss, burning, fear of unthinking or cruel destruction.

Acolytes are enriched by destroying the lives of people who had things to live for, destroying things before their potential is realised. In exchange, the cult members can create heat--but not fire--and gain the ability to make their skin run like wax.

They burn from the inside and consume everything in flames, Jude Perry and Agnes Montague are the two i know, Agnes was born into it and died because of forbidden love and Jude set her girlfriends flat on fire so hgfhfg

The End :

Also called Death, Terminus, The Coming End That Waits For All And Cannot Be Ignored.

This entity deals in the fear of death itself, uncaring and unstoppable.

No known attempts at a ritual, presumably because it sees no need to, as Death claims all in the end.

Oliver Banks!! Had dreams of strings that tied people to their deaths, actual rational avatar, also didnt ask for this but he does pretty well. Also commited identity fraud

The Eye :

Also called Beholding, The Watcher, The Ceaseless Watcher, It Knows You.

This entity is fear of being watched, exposed, followed, of having secrets known, but also the drive to know and understand, even if your discoveries might destroy you. Fear that you’re suffering for the sake of something watching.

Elias!! Horrible man!! Can body hop! Just wants to watch the drama unfold and get more power. Knows lots of things and compulsion ! Also Jon because he reckless curiosity kinda screwed him over there and yeah. And that one security guy who got consumed by a watcher lietner watching other people via security camera, rip that guy

The Flesh :

Also called Viscera.

Born from the fear of animals bred for meat, and in the human realisation that we are just animated meat and bones.

Manifests as strange bodies being twisted, reshaped, and butchered.

Thought to be the newest of the 14, born around the time of the Industrial Revolution

Jared Hopworth! Got a Lietner, runs a gym to change bodies into what people want until they're practically not human anymore, likes most bones if they're good bones

The Hunt :

Hunting and chase and violence, this is an animalistic fear, very old and primal. Fear of being hunted, being prey.

Less able to affect people due to our self-removal from the food chain. Self-proclaimed monster hunters (and those who do the same without referring to themselves as such) run a strong chance of becoming Hunters and then having a need to hunt and kill monsters.

Daisy! Things get kinda messed up when you combine non-human impulses with a person so! Murder! violence!

The Lonely :

Also called Forsaken, The One Alone The fear of isolation, of being completely cut off and alone. Fear of being disconnected.

Peter lukas, Martin, grew up lonely and shunned idk what you expected, can literally vanish, cool aethetic- Also that one girl who married one of the lukas’, nayomi? But she wasnt an avatar just with one

The Slaughter :

This entity feeds off of pure, unpredictable, unmotivated violence. Strong ties to war. Fear of not knowing, where, when, how or if pain will come but that it will. Can be violent like a frenzied killer or calm and regimented like soldiers firing on the battlefield.

Melanie! Anger! Murder! Stabby stab! Justificated feeling that your anger is right!

The Spiral :

Also called Es Mentiras, It Is Lies, The Twisting Deceit, It Is Not What It Is.

This entity is fear of madness, of being lost, that your world is wrong, that your mind is lying to you. It deals with deception, lying, deceiving the mind and senses.

Michael! Helen! I don’t,, really know what to say on this one hgfhfg

The Stranger :

Also called I Do Not Know You.

Fear of the unknown. That creeping sense that something isn’t right. Also of unfamiliar people. Manifests as objects pretending to be humans, like mannequins and taxidermied people.

Theyre not people they arent who they arE

The Vast :

Also called The Falling Titan.

This entity deals in our fear of our own insignificance in this universe, of losing yourself in too much space. Its effects involve void, vertigo, and falling, but also anything to do with openness and open spaces, fears like Agoraphobia, fear of deep water.

Simon fairchild is honest to god just vibing hes having so much fun also reeeally long lifespan he likes watching people fall off this and falling off himelf, also mike crew who didnt ask for this but just kinda ended up there anyway cause he got struck by lightning on a hill and got a book

The Web :

Also called The Spider, Mother of Puppets.

Deals with fear of being controlled, entrapped, being trapped and not knowing it, and your will not being your own, of being manipulated. Manifests as spiders and spider webs and patterns like spider webs.

The Extiction :

Also called The Terrible Change, The Future Without Us, The World Is Always Ending

The 15th Entity hypothesized by Adelard Dekker to be currently emerging.

It is not yet confirmed to actually exist, if it is yet to be officially born, or if it is a combination of other powers and their overlap. It deals with the fear of catastrophic change, the destruction of humanity and its replacement by something different, especially via mankind's own causing.

Man-made elements are one of its hallmarks.

Avatars of other Entities would like to prevent it from emerging if possible.

Nobody on this one yet but yeah!!

So!! Usually it’s either the thing you are scared of embraces you and flips your behavior on its head, (Scared of being alone? Make other people alone! Scared of falling? Make other people fall!) Or something you like vibe with embraces and justifies you even if it scares you (Want to know?? Huh?? Buddy? Wanna Know? Or you just want some love? Get u some worms) Like if your experiences fall under one of the categories you probably go there if you’re not afraid of it, or if something happens and you’re terrified of it but not dead you’ll probably end up there hfhghgfh

Oh also here’s a what entity are you quiz if that helps ghfhfgh: https://uquiz.com/quiz/zxE9GQ/which-tma-entity-are-you-aligned-with?embed=False

Basically, does it scare you a little? Does it vibe with you a bit? There you go! You have an entity now! Have fun! HFGhfh

#the asks #tma #tma entities

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littlebabycrybtch · 4 years

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god lmao when you hear a neurotypical and/or abled person spout the words ‘quality of life’ you know you are about to hear the ugliest most dehumanizing selfish fucking argument abt how anybody thats different from them must be suffering for it and how theyd wanna kill themselves if they were disabled or w/e the fuck like. jesus lmao mam as an autistic person with chronic pain frankly if i had your brain id definitely wanna kill myself cus being that fucking ableist and shitty and self centered is no way to live like i honestly cant imagine being ok w/ that existence. also idk have you even once considered that your evil ignorant selfish assumptions are whats actually contributing to my struggle.

in other words; stop comparing your life to mine. you are not my fucking advocate and those who ‘cannot’ advocate for themselves still dont need you to be their nihilistic savior or whatever disgusting thing you think it is you are doing. “quality of life” like god karen maybe we just dont make wild assumptions with extreme consequences about how minorities view the worth of their own existence by looking at it through your own selfish lens and ranking it against your personal level of functioning as if its educated and selfless of you to think that should be the metric and standard of the whole universe and anyone who cant match it must be unhealthy bc they cant relate to you.

like kjsdfsd maybe just stop talking abt how badly you wanna euthanize disabled kids and how its a moral responsibility to kill disabled people and prevent disabled babies bc u assume theyre in pain from nature and not from the ableist society you contribute to with your weird cruel statements like that !!! ffs jsut stop jesis fuckinG C H R I S T stop it its so gross. you literally dont know Shit. ‘but the doctors tm said the patients condition is a sentence to lifelong misery and they’ll never be able to speak they may not even have thoughts i-’ oh my goddDDD DUDE I LITERALLY HONESTLY DONT CARE ABT WHATEVER PROPAGANDA ABLED DOCTORS TELL U ABT DISABLED KIDS FROM WIDELY ABLE CENTRIC MEDICAL SCIENCE CREATED WITHIN AN ABLED CENTRIC SOCIETY, it is 100% FACT THAT YOU CANT ACTUALLY SEE ANYONE ELSES EXPERIENCES SO /YOU DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT SINGULAR DISABLED PEOPLES LIVES/. YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO US FIRST, AND WHEN WE CANT COMMUNICATE, YOU HAVE TO PUT IN SOME ACTUAL >EFFORT< TO THINK ABOUT HOW TO HELP US IN WAYS THAT DONT REVOLVE AROUND LITERAL FUCKING EUGENICS AS YOUR GO-TO. your goddamn ‘advocacy’ is literally just talking over us and silencing us, and with fucking lazy and Abominable intentions. shut the fuck UP you pieces of shit if murder is your solution to a group of people you could just be focused on Helping then you people will never be anywhere close to knowing what true ‘’‘MERCY’’’ is even if it bit you in the fuckin dick lol

#tw ableism #tw sui ment/ //#like dude. ppl are fucking obsessed with this sometimes its gag worthy #YOU JUST DONT WANT US TO BURDEN SOCIETY THATS ALL IT IS LMAO U DONT CARE ABT OUR 'PAIN'#OTEHRWISE YOUD FUCKING LISTEN TO US #and oh my god ive had ppl dtry this dont oyu fucking >>>>>DARE<<<<< come and tell me some ugly disgusting bullshit like #'well obvs you have a Good quality of life im talking abt ~severely~ disabled people'#1. no i dont and its bc you stupid fucking shitheads wont fix society for me you head-up-your-own-ass bitch #assuming i have a quality of life bc i can communicate with you efficiently?? proves this is ignorant af and abt you and your viewpoints #not listenign to disabled people or caring about us. its about Your comfort and how our lives make You feel #i literally suffer all the time from shit you could be fixing. you are lazy and selfish and would rather me be dead bc im a burden to you #2. shut hte uckgghgfg UP Oh my GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! 'SEVERELY' DISABLED KILLS ME LIKE THIS ISNT A SLIDING SCALE #you ar eliterally just uncomfortable seeing a child in a wheelchair that cant talk and doesnt act or appear 'normal' thats on you #people born a certain way will not know anything but that life it is up to society to accept the diversity of life #and try to ease any problems that come with differences not fucking assume pain in every goddamn 'not like me' situation #just. stop literally like shut the fuck up its cruelty idc what you excuse it away with to excuse it away at all proves you arent listening #lives dont hold less value for being different from yours

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potuzzz · 4 years

Text

I can’t fucking do this.

I can’t play this game.

I’m so tired.

I can’t do anything I want. I don’t even know what I want.

All I know is that anyone who’s ever given me a reason to smile feels infinitely far away right now, and I’m left with a cold, unforgiving world that values things that I simply cannot give.

I don’t even want to leave the cesspool, because of knowing there are people like me I’d leave behind. Fuck I think I just want to die. I think everybody just has to die. Thank God I believe in the immortal soul and a relatively good afterlife because if I didn’t I don’t know what the despair would do to me.

It’s so ugly. I cannot even look at it.

I was a knight, and I was stripped, and now, I do all the things I scoffed at. All the things I promised myself I would never do.

I’m just sitting here mindlessly fucking around on the same 3 websites, nothing is changing, I’m just melting my brain in hopes that it will dull some of this horrible feeling.

But this visceral feeling is deeper than that. It’s deeper than surface emotions. It’s in my fucking soul. my soul is on fire and thers nothing left on this world to put it out. theres nothing that brings mejoy. i dont care. even if something pops up right now that would make me feel better, it will be fucked. it will all exist for the wrong reasons. i cannot even, for example, hope to meet a random new friend, because i cannot make new friends. it has, tried-and-tested proved to be impossible. im too broken. my mind just doesnt function the same way. if they dont hate and reject me, i will hate and reject them. i will pour everything into a rose colored illusion i project, and be viscerally, cripplingly disappointed when i finally dare to remove the veil.

im slowly accepting the veil. i was told by so many powerful entities that i must not submit to apathy. but im sorry. im too high maintenance. i just cant do it. i cant do anything i promised of me. at least, i sincerely doubt it. i just cant. i cant change the world for better. i can even be nice anymore. i forgot how to be nice, “stop being nice” they said, “ you need ot take care of yourself. you need to fight back against this ugly world.” well now im ugly and i cant go back. i used to be naive and unjustifiably forgiving and cringey and annoying and unhealthily passive and pathetically submissive and i fought those things just to become the thing i hated. and now im turning into a young adult and my formative window is over. i cant change myself. i can only hope to get a fucking aneurysm from the stress of just being sober or of not actively participating in self destructive behavior. im so tired. let me destruct. let me go out in a blaze of glory, an explosion, dont let me die softly with a pathetic whimper before fading nonchalantly into the background, to be easily forgotten. what a curse.

just let me stop working, fuck. either let me be a sheep, a slave, a workhorse, trained to rationalize on my own accord how everythings okay and im the main character and its all gonna be good and cool, but dont fucking put me in this middle ground. dont leave me alone with the darkness and then make me hop back and forth back. this is dehumanizing. this is...this isn’t fair. if they came to hear me beg, they’ll be satisfied. allow me the small dignity. allow me this one fucking thing.

take it out of my hands. put me in a war. a big one. one where i can pretend that im doing something good, fighting for something bigger than myself. one where i have comraderie with people who i would easily hate in an other siutuiaton. youb know, bdy conditioning class in ghigh school was fucking great for this reason. all these shitty peole who would bully me, who would hold me in the loewst, cruelest form of contept, who would even continue this view of me at the beginning,w e all became equals through the trials of fire. imagine what bonding could be had over death and squallor and rage and intense, immeasurable, uunignorable suffering.

that’s the fuckign problem with the is world . all the suffering is way too damn weasy to ignore. death by a billion paper fcuts. slice me asuner with a fork of lightning, dont give me this undignified death. its cruel, pointlessly cruel. you lose nothing buy giving me somthoing dignified.

i cant even fucking sleep. i cant even have my own self for comfort, me versus the world baby. noep. its dead. i cant even talk to ymself. i cant even look at myself, as if ive done something wrong, when ive literally not done antyhting wrong, buefcause i havent done a fucking thing. i dont areif this is hyperbolic.

im so tired of saying the same words over and over

im so tired of seeing the same 5 different types of peopl,e

im so tired of being disappointed. show me something whimsical. something truly magical. something awe inspiring. terrigying. attack me in my dreams. rip my soul out its soft, comgfy shell, and thrust it into the sky, that visceral discomfort. am ai really a coward beause i didnt go sky diving or something? i dont know. am i ca cowrard because i stopped allowing myself...WHATEVERT THE FUCK WOULD HAPPEN IN MY DREAMS???? I DONT NOW!

blah blah blah wow noah this is going to be so useful in your brand building campaign wow hahaha youre so cool oure going to be famous boy! FAMOUS BOY! youre gong to be big and famous and universally olloved! everyone will be yor friend! eveerything woikll work out in the end. nbody you love will ever die or ever hate you. it all works onut in the end. it all works out in the end.your going to be GFAMOUS DUDE LAOL HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS ACTUALLY MAKING ME SMILE!

DUDE, FUCK YOU!

FUCK OFF!

FUCK OFF! FUCKI OFF!

WOW THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT FOR THE ALGORITHYM THIS IS GOING TO LOOK SO GOOD ON THE RATIOS AND THE METRICS AND THE RED LINE GO WEEEEEEEEEEEE EAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY THIS IS GOING TO LOOK SOOOOO GOOOOD ON YOIR PORTFOLIO WHERES YOUR PORTFOLIO CAN YOU LINK EM TO THE SONG DUDE YOU JUST GOT TO LNK ME TO YOUG MUSIC MAN!!!! IM SURE ITLL BE GREAT ILL LOVE IT :) :) :) O))IK

fuck YOU

WHY DO I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW LE ME STYA UP ALLLLLL NIGHT

ALLLLL NIGHT BABY THIS PATTY GOES ON ALLLLLLLL NIGHT

CAN I GET AN AMENE LOUDER FOR THE KIDS IN THE BACK

KIDS I N YOUR BACK ITS JUST THE KIDS IN YOUR BACK

YOU LL FEEL HOLY JUST HOLD STILL FOR THE

ahahhaahhaahahahahahahahahahahhahah

if you’ve killed yourself Your’e a Damn Hero a(TM) and im not nmade at you. not anymore. i used to be, sre, but now i get it. i fuckin get it my guy. how fucking 1st world of me to think you wouldn’t. honestly. its amazing uyou put up with what you did. you’re souch a good musiciain dude. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH an ARTISSSSTTTTEEEEEEE I GOT THE BIG BRAIN BIG THINK TIME MY FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT IM AN ARTISSSSSTTTTE

dont show your ASS FOR A SECOND OR THEYLL RIP YOU TO SHRED SBOY

just osme advice before the planks fdrtop

yeah just make sure you never do any of tis

dont hsow weakness for even a second

dont beg

dont you pathetic loser

just be happy

just make your life happyier

you know

they always this new bullshit ass looking way of things, the whole, “they killed themselves it woas outside of your control there is nothing theyhat you could have done it was doomed from the start they made the decision THEY made the decision

like literally fuck you dude. whatever you tell yourself to sleep at night.

you might just be a grain of sand, but a grain of sand is a lot more than 0/. i get to live every single day with my sin,s, they are variou s and many and oh boy they are GREAT. , if i may do say so myself. but i dont.

pause

more dirnk

*jeopardy song(

All i have is imagined scenarios. All i have is parasocial relationshiops. All i have is people im supposedly super close with that i feel a constant need to hide gfrom.

you don’t know me. and when i let the mask slip for a seocnd you are repulsed. fuck you.

i’d like...i liked to think it was because i was special. because i did omthing outside of the norm, that brought this...new thing that had to be contended with...HAD to be contended with...for the human speices to evolve. i was just a small LEOG brick in the gram dn sceneme of things, sure, but i was an actaual...i was a VESSEL. I was a VEHICLE>. now what am i. nothing. a waste of tiem.e a waste of love and anergy and resources. of hope. how dare you hope for me. you have no idea. luck is in not many people’s favor but i dont even have the money for the lottery tickets. i wouldnt even know how to read the numbers if i wanted to. i’d be too much of a prudish, self-centered, egotistical, unbearably annoying hipster to use the numbers even if i could read them, and i know this to my fucking core. it’s like i’d rather ...

FUCK THIS HALFWAY POINT

THE HALFWAY POINT BETWEEN SLEEPING AND AWAKENING IS HELL

AND I HAVE SETTLED PERMANENTLY ON IT

for why?

SPITE

I SWEAR TO GOD BECAUASE I CAN THINK OF NO OTHER RESOASN.

it doens’t matter.

i have to stop typing and go to bed.

and shut my eyes.

and sit in silence.

alone.

so alone.

and wait for sleep to take me.

and then wake up and flip burgers.

it has to happen. i cant stay up all night. i’ll fucking die tomorrw. i wish i could just stay uo all night.

amyabe i should? like i mean seriously, accelerationist based shit but like, maybe i just need to lose my job just to...rip the bandaid off.

everyone, im sorry if youre reaing this, i;m okay. im just in a rough spot. im sorry, please ignore this. im sorry.

#doubleups

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queensconquest · 4 years

Text

praesidii said: tell me about fenrir and vil!

( SEND IN THE NAME OF A MUSE YOU DONT KNOW AND I’LL TELL YOU ABOUT THEM )

FENRIR: - NORSE MYTHOLOGY

𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 Fenrir is very standoff-ish and untrusting of others due to what the norse gods did to him , as well as being very intelligent. His appearance alone , either wolf ( as he’s meters tall ) or human , he scares people. He’s also very competitive and can never refuse a challenge ever. But once you get past his cold exterior , he is extremely loyal and protective of those who he keeps close and has an extremely warm heart. You just need to be patient with him and slowly get closer. He also starts showing his more curious and ‘ puppy-like ‘ side. Despite being thousands of years old , he didn’t get a childhood. 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐡𝐨𝐛𝐛𝐢𝐞𝐬 not many tbh. trying new foods , exercising , reading , helping rescue people lost in nature. 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 nature , food ( especially meat ) , getting to be in his real form , those he likes cuddling with him in either form , challenges , exploring , being praised , showing his intelligence , just being around those he likes , nights by the fire , fighting 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 CHAINS. ( this really triggers him ) , tight/restraining clothing , sour foods , authoritative figures , gods/goddesses , being told what to do , being called just an animal , losing , being in confining places ( not claustrophobic but wont enjoy it ) 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐝𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 Making really sudden , loud noises , shoving anything in his face to smell , strangers getting too close , clicking pens , getting to the front of lines and not knowing what you’re going to order. 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬 It’s very hard as I said above. He’s scared to be betrayed and hurt again , and he doesn’t trust people. You have to be patient and persistent. Read up on his legends to understand his suffering. But once you’re his friend , he’ll destroy the world for you or eat your enemies. 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐜𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐬 He’s never even had one v.v so not easy. 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 those who are patient , gentler , understanding , likes nature , etc. 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐬𝐭 any authority figure that tries to make him obey , other aggressive people 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐫 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐞(𝐬) Hmm! I think there’s potential with Fukuzawa ; I don’t know who Tsumugi is but i think him ! esp being a werewolf will make Fenrir more at ease , maybe Zango and Zen ?

VIL: - TWISTED WONDERLAND

𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 Bold , proud , and confident. he comes off as very self-centered , and is a perfectionist. People often only think of him as obsessed with his physical beauty , but he values all forms of beauty and is very intelligent and observant of others. He can be brutal and stern , but it often comes from wanting to see or teach people to be their best selves. He’s very hard working and determined , and values hard work and ambition / passion in others. 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐡𝐨𝐛𝐛𝐢𝐞𝐬 make up , modeling ( career ) , poison making , film studying , designing/making clothes , practicing magic , swordsmanship , creating short films , horseback riding , dance 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 beauty , fashion , make-up , jewels , hard work , sweet foods , being the center of attention , dressing others up , dancing , confidence in others , (secretly) days to just relax , flowers , blankets , being given attention , words of affirmation by those he cares about , snow 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 laziness , lack of ambition , no effort being put in , having to sing , bitter foods , extreme heat , being ignored , not being good enough by his own standards , disappointing others , anything that might ruin his image , not a fan of sand , people getting in his way 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐝𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 not put effort into things that they do , interrupt important moments , not listen , loudly pop gum , not doing things properly , dragging their feet , giving him empty compliments / trying to suck up to him. 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬 A real friendship is not easy. he can pretend for the publics sake or politeness , but he always worries about people trying to use him for their own image or reputation , so he tends to not form them particularly quickly. 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐜𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐬 Not especially easily , you have to get his interest first and he has some high standards. 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 Hard working individuals , those who also value beauty , confident people , those curious/willing to learn , people that can be sassy , honest 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐬𝐭 lazy people , those who don’t listen , extremely timid people , those who act like they’re better , obsessive fans 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐫 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐞(𝐬) I’m not sure ! I could see Varian enjoying work with him in terms of science ( vil’s good at chemistry and biology but poisons is his greatest strength ) , i think him and Kazuma might get along ? There’s potential with Sesshoumaru with time i think , and maybe Kija

#praesidii‌#i know 0 of the muses i suggested besides Fukuzawa #but from what i saw on the muse pages #those are some that SEEMED most likely to work #〉the angst empress〈 — ✭ ⌜ooc⌟

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slashers-hell · 5 years

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Hi, it's me. What I wanted to say is that the more I reflect on Naruto as a story, the more I dislike it. Kishi's writing has left me w/ so many conflicted feelings. The biggest problems I have with it are the Konoha nationalism & the contradictions between part 1 & 2 of Naruto. When I finished Naruto, I became an anti ender. I didn't like Hyuga slavery not being addressed, Orochimaru bring free, the solution to the cycle of hatred never being resolved, no help w/ amagakure, (1/?)

As well as the Uchiha genocide hidden away & justified. Then I thought about it & realized Naruto (the character) never addressed those issues. When Nagato, Madara, Sasuke, Neji were told that their beliefs/solutions to the shinobi system were wrong, Naruto never came up w/ a solution. This is when I started to dislike him as a character; I began to see how shallow & hypocritical he is. The TnJ was just a device to shut those who were against the village. (2/?)

In order silence those who were against the village & Naruto, he would compare his suffering to theirs & then say bc he suffered & he is not against the village, then the other antagonists shouldn’t be either. This makes Naruto close minded & self centered bc he tries to equate his suffering to others in order to invalidate them. Not all suffering is the same & he doesn’t realize this. (3/?)

What boggles my mind the most is that he says he’s against the shinobi system yet supports the village that functions of the system. He doesn’t realize that in order to fix the system & end cycle of hatred you need to create a whole new system. That being said I especially saw this when Naruto tries to reason w/ Sasuke. I used to be a huge sns shipper bc of how deep and developed the bond was (especially compared to other ships) but the more I see Naruto not understanding sasuke (4/?)

And his own blind jingoism, the more I started to not like the ship. I know that none of the ships are perfect & sns is flawed but I like how there is a sense of mutual understanding & care for each other. I still like sns for what it added to the story but not with naruto being pro konoha. Naruto wasn’t the only character I began to have 2nd thoughts on. What also bothers me is that Itachi is well loved within the fandom. Itachi is still my fav character but not for the reasons (5/?)

Everyone else has. I like itachi bc he was the epitome of a konoha hound dog who blindingly supported whatever the village said, even to. The point of committing genocide. I dont like how itachi is seen as a hero & he shouldn’t be excused for his actions. I do think itachi loves sasuke above all else & did everything to protect him but he also did bc he is the biggest supporter of the village, despite being an uchiha. (6/?)

Lastly I wanted to say that I naruto went downhill rapidly when part 2 contradicted part 1. Naruto used to be kid that was in last pale & had to work hard to catch up to everyone else. However in part 2, its revealed that he’s gifted under his bloodline, he was prophesied twice by the sage turtle to be the child of prophecy, & the fact that he’s the reincarnation of the son of the saye of 6 paths. That’s when everything felt disingenuous. Everything naruto stood for was gone (7/8)

I found that there was no reason to support him as a character & kishi’s writing made it seem like he didn’t know what he was doing while writing naruto. Despite all of this I still did not regret going through the series. I dont really like as much as I used to (to me its mediocre at most.) Anyway I love your blog and your analyses. They’re well thought out. Thank you for reading my thoughts & I’m sorry my ask was so long. (8/8)

I do agree with you for the most part, and thinking about it, it’s actually incredible sad how the series went downhill. From propagating nationalism to ignoring the Uchiha genocide---it’s as if nothing was important anymore at the end of the show. I genuinely do not care about the rest; it’s just so incredibly boring and senseless to me. But no matter what, I will still love Sasuke and SNS and believe that he and his clan deserve the justice they were withheld. Ugh, I mean we have discussed about this so much, and honestly, what Kishimoto did to the ending and how he didn’t resolve all of these issues is his own fault. Also, thank you for the kind words, I appreciate them so much!

#sasuke uchiha #anti naruto ending #bubblesmakemesmile

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indigoschool · 7 years

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I feel like I rushed into something I wasnt ready for. And sometimes I feel like my awakening was a mistake. If I never found out about indigo children I probably would have been fine. Now I'm not even able to function because my mind isn't right and even though im aware of that nothing is changing,Yes before finding out about this I might have been the same but I wasnt aware of it and id rather be unconscious about the way I feel then have to feel it so powerfully that I'm having panic attacks

Pt2. I go to school 4 days a week, for 3 hours at an alternative high school. I only need to do one semester and I can graduate. I was supposed to graduate in 2015 and I didn’t. I got put into alternative school I’ll go for a month or 2 and stopped because I ended up crying and freaking out in school so I’d start over the next semester. This is like the 4th time I’ve done this, this is my second day of school and I was crying because I cannot fucking relax man.

Pt3. I can’t even finish high school I feel so pressured to get my diploma because i feel like its the bare minimum but it’s all fake. Everything is fake and I want to leave. I dont leave the house, I have no friends, I’m adopted for fucks Sake. My mind isn’t right it might be the subconscious Idk. I wish the universe would send something down that will physically help me right now. I tried everything, positivity, crystals, tarot, mindfulness but then I think about mindfulness like a idiot.

Pt4. You dont really have to say anything Im just venting. I'm so sad this is so painful and I feel like no one cares. People say they care cause its the right thing to do. I'm not in your face at this moment crying in your face so you don't care. I want to die but I feel like the universe prevents that because I would never put such pain on my mom. I feel like I need medication or something this discovery has done nothing but make me feel crazy. Idk why im here but it's not fucking worth it.

Pt5. I had a melt down in school because I felt like my presence was bothering someone . How fucking stupid is that. Is it wrong to regret your journey ? Is it wrong to feel like it was a mistake? Is it bad I want to leave? Idk what to do, I'm suffering and im aware that I'm suffering and I'm aware of the reason why I'm suffering but that very reason causes me to suffer. I understand why indigos commit suicide. Hell what if I'm not even an indigo and this was a faze and I just destroyed my life?

Your awakening isn’t a mistake. Reaching higher levels of consciousness isn’t something that shouldn’t have happened. You shouldn’t regret it. Sometimes, there’s an adjustment period that follows your awakening, and this period can be rough. It’s not that “your mind isn’t right,” it’s just that you haven’t adjusted to the new state of consciousness through which you’re now perceiving life. Have you ever heard the saying “ignorance is bliss”? Yes, not knowing about the way things are and the injustices happening in the world may be easier because you don’t have to deal with it, but does not knowing change anything? Awareness is much more effective than ignorance is. I know that you don’t like the fact that nothing is changing, but by being aware of it, you’re one step closer to creating change than you’d be if you were ignorant of it. It’s okay. Don’t pressure yourself and don’t try to regress in consciousness. Keep growing, because the more you grow, the easier it is for you to center yourself and find a way to begin working toward making the world a better place and using your existence to better the lives of others.

Try to practice mindfulness as much as you can. Focus on and live in the Now, the present moment. This will help to clear your thoughts and reduce panic attacks. By practicing mindfulness, you control your mind instead of your mind controlling you. You have more autonomy and can be free from worrying about how you feel or what’s not changing. The Now is the only time there is, the Now is the moment in which you can use your new level of consciousness to manifest a reality that you’d like to see. Meditate as much as you can as well; meditation is kind of like deep mindfulness, and doing it daily will help you to

center yourself and will make it easier to practice mindfulness throughout your day. Along with meditation, amethyst, blue calcite, amazonite, aventurine, agate, hematite, jasper, malachite, shungite, smoky/rose quartz, and turquoise are very helpful with panic attacks. Keeping them around your room, on your person, or near you in meditation will help to soothe your mind and allow you to adjust to your level of consciousness.

Edit: I wrote the above response before I’d seen parts 2-5, so below is my continuation.

Reading this, it feels like you’re trying very hard. You’re frustrated and restless and trying to go to high school but trying to get away from it and trying, trying, trying. Be still for a moment. Close your eyes, breathe, and do this for as long as it takes until your mind is clear and still. Do you feel still? Do you feel at peace?

Hold on to this feeling. Try to hold on to this feeling for as long as you can. Try to summon this feeling as often as you can. The feeling of having no thoughts, or at least not paying any attention to them. Clearness and stillness. This feeling is what will help you get over the pressure that you’re placing on yourself. Don’t “think” about mindfulness, just be mindful. All it takes is focusing on the present moment. Don’t try positivity, crystals, tarot, etc., just be. Don’t force anything if it doesn’t feel right. If you try those things, expect no results. Lose all expectations. Lose all expectations for your life, for the people around you, everything. Expectations are rooted in the future, and mindfulness means living in the Now. Be here now. Stop trying. It’s okay. Do what feels right. Live your life as if your eyes are closed and you’re following the sound of someone’s voice guiding you. In other words, don’t use your mind and overthink your options and become frustrated with how things are or how they should be. Allow your heart to lead you toward what feels right. Whatever that is, go to it. Trust your heart. It’s okay to be alone for some time, so don’t overthink having no friends. The Universe wants you to have some time to build yourself, to trust yourself, to let your heart guide you. Friends will follow. When you’re at school, be present. Be in the Now. This level of mindfulness will help with the “freaking out,” because you’ll find that there’s nothing in the present to freak out about. There’s only the here and Now, a beautiful space. Be there always and do what feels best in that moment, and everything else will fall into place. You are worth it. Life is worth it. You were born for a reason. I know that may not sound real and it may come off as something I’d just say to anyone, but seriously, you exist for a reason. An important one, too. Your existence is imperative to the Universe itself. Literally. You matter so much. You have a purpose, you have a mission to accomplish here on Earth. You wouldn’t have been born if that mission weren’t something you could handle. You can do this. What you’re feeling right now is temporary and natural, but please don’t dwell in this space too long. Know that you can transcend this. You will transcend this. I care about you and how you feel, everyone else at the Indigo School does too. It’s not wrong that you regret your journey and it certainly isn’t something you should blame yourself for. Like I said, it’s natural. You’re adjusting. But please, allow yourself to adjust. Allow yourself to feel these growing pains. Then grow past them. You can and you will. Nothing you experience is a mistake. Everything that happens is part of your journey. This journey is to prepare you to reach your full potential and manifest your best self so that you may accomplish your life’s mission. It doesn’t matter if you’re an indigo or not. It doesn’t matter what label you put on yourself; the truth remains that you have not destroyed your life, your life cannot be destroyed. Each day is a new opportunity to start over, to do better, to be still and mindful and love yourself. You are not stupid, you are not an idiot, you are a growing being who makes mistakes. That is okay. Suicide will not make it better. You are here for an important reason and removing yourself is not the solution. “Yourself” is not a problem; you are growing and developing, nothing you do is irreversible, and you can do better every day. Please believe me. I love you.

#advice

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skywarper · 7 years

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okay heres that post i promised

heres a real life account of what “violent alters” in DID systems are actually like, their purpose and the psychological aspects behind them so you can perhaps understand them better, whether for your own system needs or so you can better represent DID in your fiction

note: information is taken both from my experience, experiences of others (both people i know and people i dont, from various walks of life) and general psychology. ofc this info isnt true for everyone but is generally helpful in my experience helping them

also this post might be a little roundabout because tfw language disabilities but bear with me

okay so to begin with, “violent alters” as most people know them are more commonly referred to as persecutors in DID terminology so thats the term ill be using for the rest of this post

i should explain the understanding of DID i’ll be writing this post under. dissociative identity disorder, or DID, is a dissociative mental disorder centered around the ‘splitting’ of one individual into two or more (usually more) ‘parts’ or ‘alters’. DID is almost always a response to trauma, generally during childhood, and is a coping method, if rather extreme at times, for a person who’s undergone trauma to be able to continue life normally by offloading responsibilities and traumatic experiences onto other people. alters in a ‘system’ (the collective term for a set of alters in one headspace), while their own identities and people, are psychologically several parts of a whole. for this reason, no alter is truly independent of one another, and this info is important for the discussion of persecutor alters

a persecutor alter, is an alter who often takes the form of something monstrous or scary to their host (the ‘default’, day-to-day alter in a system). they represent something a host does not want to face, whether it be self insecurity, trauma, anger issues, or any number of things. they come across as rude, dangerous, even violent. many will attempt to kill/hurt their hosts or other alters in a system during their ‘active period’ (we will call it that).

it’s not actually common for persecutors to harm people outside the system unless those people directly provoke them, they are preoccupied with their duties in system and often could care less about outside people. they are more dangerous to their hosts than they will ever be to you, some persecutors will even be docile to outsiders while still being violent to their hosts

however, persecutor alters are just as important to their hosts as protectors, caretakers, littles, etc. some persecutors are even protectors in their own right. they have something they want or need to tell the host, and for whatever reason, the only way they know how to get their host’s attention is by acting out violently and putting them and others at risk. it is often true that the more you ignore or think badly of a persecutor, the more violent they will get. they NEED to be noticed, they NEED the validation of their host and for their host to listen to the message they have for them

they are people just like any other alter, and they respond to understanding and being listened to and validated, even if they dont know exactly what is the appropriate response

real life account time. one of my ex-persecutors, named Mars, split when i was around 13-14. i was currently suffering institutional abuse on account of my autism diagnosis. i was adjusting to the confirmation while at the same time being belittled and treated like an object by the adults around me for this knowledge. i was also being abused by my mother for this specific thing. i sufferred a lot of meltdowns and fucked up my social interactions a lot, i was confused and angry. Mars started to come around during my meltdowns, and he would parrot what i was thinking about myself but didn’t want to admit. he was belittling me, calling me words i couldn’t stand to face such as the r-slur, and any number of things. this was, in fact , how i thought of myself but on account of being multiple, it was offloaded onto Mars so i could face it. it’s easier to face these things when they don’t present as yourself

as the years went by i started to adjust, i broke free of the abusive situations, i found support groups and friends with autism and came to better understand myself and my symptoms and how to continue with my teenage life. after a few attempts to kill me and then some other alters, i finally faced Mars and told him i wasn’t scared of him. i’m autistic, i’m proud, and nothing he or anyone else ever said to me was going to change it. he ‘mellowed out’ after that, since his mission was complete and i had faced the fears which he represented.

now at this point, persecutor alters will either integrate (where they ‘reverse’ the splitting process and fuse back with the member they split from, usually the host) OR they will become an ex-persecutor, and move onto a different role. often a protector, or even a host. they tend to keep their rude, sometimes apathetic attitudes but with their concern for their host channeled into something not so violent. Mars is currently a sort of protector/defender hybrid who will take control if things get SERIOUSLY dire, because he has no concern for anything outside the system and it can’t get past him. he has some friends in system and though he doesn’t show his face as much as he used to, he’s welcome whenever he does now that he’s mellow/docile

a lot of persecutors express frustration that they are misunderstood, it’s not their fault that all they know is anger and violence, they are made that way, so to speak. representing persecutors as being violent killing machines in fiction often serves to fuel their anger, causing more damage to their hosts at times. in a sort of “if thats what they think of me, that’s what ill be” kind of way. but behind the violence they are just as valid as any alter, and have something very very important to teach the host, they are not to be ignored and not to be demonized, it never ever helps when dealing with them

of course, it’s completely valid for a host to hate and be hurt by their persecutors, often is the point. but if you are an outsider, it’s often not helpful and can worsen the situation, and strengthen tension between a host and their persecutor. ESPECIALLY any sort of “i hate you for taking (host) away” sentiment. lowkey its really annoying dont do that

so for those who have persecutors and are trying to deal, keep yourself safe and keep your protectors close by, but try to talk to your persecutors, try to understand where theyre coming from, potentially let them front with supervision to see if they can express their message through art, music, writing, or their actions. they are trying to help you even if they’re doing it in a very unorthodox way

for those who’s friends and loved ones have persecutors and you want to help, honestly follow the same advice above. sometimes persecutors will threaten to harm the host to get a rise out of you, unless you believe the host to be in serious danger, try not to respond in any meaningful way. sometimes persecutors will mellow out if they have someone to talk to, their hosts rarely understand them and you can potentially be a mediator to help the process go faster and benefit them both

if you are a singlet (that’s someone without a system) writing DID into fiction, or writing DID headcanons, great! hopefully this sort of rambling of information can help you better understand persecutors and what they represent and how they behave, so we can see less and less “OO SCARY VIOLENT PERSECUTOR MURDERING EVERYONE OOOO!” shit like split and everything. positive DID representation is very important, even that including persecutors. systems require every single alter to run smoothly, including persecutors, and they are just as important as any other

thank you for reading if you did and if anything needs clarification let me know. obviously this is very emotion based, theres no way it couldnt be, but i have handled several persecutors in my own system, mellowed out persecutors in my close friends’ systems, and read up and studied a lot on real life accounts of them besides my own. i dont believe in “bad” alters, i believe in misguided alters

#ss.txt #ref #this is very long and involves a bunch of terminology that i try to explain #but hopefully it can be helpful to you #whether you have a persecutor #ur friend has a persecutor #or youre writing a persecutor #ok

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just-another-obsessed-fangirl · 7 years

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personal vent post, content may have possibility of being triggering, kind of dark, ask to tag if needed, press “j” to skip, do not reblog, not a true reflection of me but what i think during these times

im not used to dealing with anger. im used to feeling sadness, anxiety, depression, guilt, disappointment, and a lot of other negative emotions but anger is the one emotion i try to avoid. i mean i still don’t really cope with any of those feelings well but at least im able to distract myself from those relatively easier than how im dealing with anger. i hated when people were angry, not even if they were angry at me, but i would still feel the effects of it. and i was always afraid that if i was angry that i was being irrational or that i was in the wrong and the other person are actually right to be wrong. but even when i know i have a right to be angry i would still swallow it down because i wanted peace more than conflict. i never wanted anybody else to feel the horrible stuff that i always feel. but the past few weeks, all ive felt is anger and i want people to hurt like i do. petty, i know. it started when my then friend a few weeks ago made a joke about people who did not identify as the gender they were assigned at birth and simply doing it to feel special and for attention. this wasn’t the first time he had said stuff like that. i told him to stop saying that shit hundreds of times since 6th grade like joking about triggers and other things but he would still do it again, even in the same conversation. but i would swallow it down again and try to explain again and he continues to do so, even trying to justify it, multiple times with the phrase “well, fuck that” in response to why those words may be hurtful. he would even do it because he thought my anger was funny and wanted to see my reaction. and this asshole has seen me cry and have panic attacks before and he still thought that my pain was entertainment. but a few weeks ago i was in a state of paranoia that had gone on for a few weeks and that just proved what i was worrying about at the time and that’s that all my friends hated me and only act like my friends because i’m easy to have break downs and cry at even the smallest inconvenience. and the parts of me still want to forgive him but i cant bring myself to. i want him to hurt. i want my isolation to wear away at him. i want him to suffer even harder than i have suffered from him since the first grade. after that incident, i didn’t speak to anybody for almost 3 days. i didn’t eat for 2 and my mom had to force me to eat for two weeks. my paranoia got worse. i want him to feel the pain of not trusting anything he felt, anything he heard, anybody ever tried to say to him, any interaction he ever had with anybody. i want him to constantly analyze every small action anybody ever had in response to him or while talking to him and always concluding that everybody hates him with all their being and wish that he was dead and that once he’s dead everybody would be happy and partying and forget his name after a week and that he ever existed. i want him to feel the hell that i have been going through because of him. i always wanted to be the bigger person and to avoid making people feel the horrible anxiety and thoughts that ive felt all my life, but now im selfish and cruel and bitter that it’s never helped me and that other people don’t even try to acknowledge what ive gone through or consider my position of the argument because people are so set on being right and so sure and i hate how nobody else seems to second or third or eighty seventh guess themselves and they are happily ignorant and will gloat just because i was the one who wanted to keep the peace and avoid feeling hurt myself. i would argue about factual things and give solid concrete proof they would call me the asshole because i proved it. i know this stuff might not sound like it’s making sense but im just so angry that it’s 5 am right now and maybe saying anything will get me to sleep again.

ive started arguing my cases now and still nobody gives a shit and just want to fucking test me. ive told multiple boys in my pe class over the past few days to stop saying “triggered” and although loudly, i would explain to them why it’s shitty, especially to me. but again, they’ll still say it, and they say it even more now. they’ll come up to me and say it. they saw my anger as funny, as entertainment, like the last guy. one kid asked me if i knew the name of some famous instagram account and i said no what is it and he replied that it’s called “triggered”. i broke down crying in the middle of the fucking field. i know it seems like an extreme reaction but i have constantly told these little assholes not to say it and my trauma was trivialized to a fucking joke. i knew i meant little to people but these past few weeks im hit with even more evidence that my only purpose for everyone was entertainment brought on by my pain and what im rightfully angry for. and i know im being selfish and self important and self centered but ive tried so hard not to be my entire life for the sake of other people and also for me and the best i ever was to people were forgettable and nobody gave a shit about me or anyone else and they either saw me as annoying or saw my negative emotions and reactions as entertainment. but neither my sadness or hateful had caused anybody to realize their errors. i hope im not implying that im perfect and dont have real flaws but being angry has turned me into someone bitter and petty. i want my sadness and anger to become bullets and to painfully make holes in everyone who made them. i want them to feel pain over mine. i want them to hurt and bleed like ive done. logic or reason or human rights does not make them think, but so it seems no amount of emotion or proof make them either. they should at least hurt. kindness has only seemed to kill me. im used to tearing off pieces of myself so people could stay whole but i cant seem to tear off anymore. i know this sounds like im just being some edgy teen or that i just want attention but im sorry i just wanted to get something off my chest without having the therapist or my school counselor needing to call my parents or a psych ward.

#personal #1r3hqf2hwrnv3i48tughqvenoaslm;zf'ethg #do not reblog #ij wijegnorleictgruehjnordlvfkdfowesurd3wp;#scergu et98340u w3pqrkq

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