#everything i write is accidentally Also about being bipolar. no getting around that

[stergeon]

for the writer ask

💭🚦💛 💌

💭 What inspires you and your writing?

this is a real marketing major-ass answer (from your local marketing major), but i love sharing knowledge and telling stories. writing’s one of those things that’s a bit of a compulsion for me—i’m always writing something. i took a five-year break from fiction writing before i stumbled ass-first into fanfic last year, but even in those years when i was focusing on my career, i was writing guides and trainings and a ton of other stuff—just not anything fun, lol.

writing is also so cathartic. sometimes i set out to tell a specific story, but at other times, a particular emotion gets me in a vice grip and i have to put it to words before it’ll go away. my stories tend to wind up as emotional dumping grounds as a result.

i don’t write things pulled directly from my own life, but there are bits and pieces of myself and things that have happened to me scattered throughout stuff i’ve written, and usually when i’m about 75% of the way through a piece, i’ll realize it’s absolutely related to something i’m currently going through. funny how art works that way, even when you don’t intend for it to.

and occasionally i just have a fire lit under my ass about an issue and i get so hot about it that i gotta compile my thoughts. looking at you, silver snow

🚦 What sort of endings do you prefer to write: ambiguous, bad, happily ever after, etc.?

look, i would love nothing more for them girls (pick whichever girls you please) to have a happy ending where they kiss and are stupid in love for the rest of forever. i love reading those kinds of stories. but in my heart of hearts, i love an ambiguous ending. i like when there are still questions after the story ends. i like thinking about where things could go or how the characters will go on after the events of the story. like, shared space could be read as having a happy ending, but i don’t really think it is. and with the victors; the vestiges, well. you’ll see :0)

come to think of it, i’m not sure i’ve ever written a happily-ever-after, but i don’t think i’ve ever written a 100% bad ending, either. i read too many bury-your-gays stories and watched too many sad european queer coming-of-age films in my youth to ever be happy putting that kinda thing out into the world. i want to write about love with all its ugliness, but not despair or hopelessness. i think what most appeals to me about an ambiguous ending is that lingering feeling of hope. it’s not the same as the kind you get from a happily-ever-after, and something about it speaks to me.

💛 What is the most impactful lesson you’ve learned about writing?

honestly? how to take criticism. i took a creative writing class in high school where we had to read our work out loud and then receive feedback on it from the other writers in the class, and that did a lot for me. going into that class, i’d already been writing for forever and had won some little local writing contests and such, so i was a wee bit of a pretentious douche. but i’d never gotten real critique before beyond, essentially, spelling and grammar checks. it humbled me lol. it made me grow so much as a writer, and i could see where i needed to improve or where my head was wedged way too far up my own ass for others to follow. it also helped me recognize strengths i didn’t know i had, and that was huge. it’s easy to get into a self-doubt spiral when making creative work, and good, constructive criticism can do so much to help avoid that.

to this day i love critique. i like knowing what worked or didn’t work so that i can continue to improve as a writer and do better next time. did my themes land? did something really work, but another part fall flat? i’d love to know!! i try to treat everything i write as practice for the next thing, and frankly that’s helped take some of the pressure off so i don’t go into total Perfectionist Mode.

i know critique is kind of a sensitive topic in fan spaces, but i think that’s because a lot of people have gotten unsolicited criticism that is purely critical and isn’t constructive. but getting good, constructive criticism will do so much to help a person grow as a writer. it’s scary, and sometimes it hurts! writing is very personal for most people, and it stings when things aren’t received the way you think they will be. but i know i’ve grown more from having my failures pointed out (and, very importantly, having the good things about those efforts acknowledged) than anything else.

💌 Is there a favorite trope you like to write?

actually Just answered this in another ask!

#sterge.eml #foxyjeongin #thank you for playing my little game and letting me talk about stories (and about me lmao) #sorry this is kind of a long post #i talk too much #i think i sound pretentious in this ask whoops. sorry #unfortunately i kind of am. i’m working on it. #… ​i guess the short answer to that first question is ‘emotions and mental illness’ lol #if you follow me on twitter (not recommended as it’s just me complaining about the weather and not being able to ride my motorcycle) #you know that every time i bring up my writing in therapy my therapist rocks my shit by revealing the story is #in fact. #NOT about what i thought it was about #or more accurately ​it’s ALSO secretly about whatever’s going on with me in real life lmao #y’know what’s really fun? looking back at something you wrote in a manic or depressive episode and going ah. hm. interesting. #the signs were. in fact. there. #(this is in fact not fun and i don’t like it. but it always happens.) #everything i write is accidentally Also about being bipolar. no getting around that #i tend to have issues organizing my thoughts and feelings to even figure out how tf i’m feeling #(forget making any attempt at doing so verbally. i have chronic foot-in-mouth disorder and accidentally say shit i don’t mean all the time) #but writing stuff down has always helped me sort through whatever mess is going on in my noggin and i love it for that #learning how to take critique is my no. 1 piece of writing advice but no. 2 is to read #read the classics. find out why they’re classics. read weird shit. read shit you don’t like. find things you like about em anyway. #and importantly: figure out WHY you do or don’t like it #it’s funny to re-read a book i haven’t read in a long time and discover OH. that’s where i get that technique from. #or that’s where i got that idea. or that’s why i had X thing happen in this story. #or why i like this type of character or scenario #nothing’s truly new and original #we’re all an amalgamation of influences and that ruuuuules #celebrate it!!!

[aithusarosekiller]

Archie’s unusually polite guide on how to write Bipolar characters in fic:

Of course, I can only speak from my own experience, so don’t take everything I say as the ‘one way’ to write bipolar characters, as obviously everybody experiences it differently. That said, I am making this to guide people on how to write realistic characters that do not fall into the trap of being stereotypical caricatures. Please try to share this so more people can see and maybe share their experiences and ideas so we can help more people write realistic characters that make people feel represented. I obviously do not speak for everyone.

With all that being said, I’ll start my list for my lovely chemically stable folks out there.

You don’t need to make it their entire character. Remember, before we are anything else, before we are our diagnosis, before we are our struggles, we are PEOPLE. Many people fall into the trap of making everything a character does directly related to their disorder, which is not only unrealistic, but annoying. We make decisions just like anyone else. Maybe Ben didn’t choose to wear red and blue socks because he is manic, he most likely just wanted to wear red and blue socks. You don’t even need to tell people they are bipolar. If it’s not a major plot point (which you should be careful doing too but I will touch on that later) you don’t even necessarily need to explicitly say it. If you do it well enough, you can make it part of their character without needing to make the character stand on a table and yell ‘I HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER’. Treat them like any other hc, include it in your writing without making it seem like something shocking and horrible that needs special attention. This can make the readers feel like it is something horrifying that needs to be front and centre, instead of an experience a character just so happens to have. We aren’t a circus act, we’re real, living people.

Try not to accidentally romanticise and idealise it. What I have seen a lot of people do is while they try to avoid making it seem like a demonic experience that leads people to live a life if misery and constant torture, they accidentally make it seem happy and flower instead. This is a really easy thing to do, and is very harmful, so it’s best to try to spot it  as soon as you can. Loads of people accidentally romanticise it and idealise it by making it seem like something quirky and easy to manage, which only builds up stigma around it and coddles to people with the ‘just make the most of it’ mindset. If it’s an important part of the plot, you should be mentioning the bad parts, you should be mentioning how shit it can get and how much it impacts our lives, so don’t be afraid of doing that. Just remember to get the balance between that and the fact that in many ways, we are the same as everyone else. It isn’t an endless torment, but it also isn’t a quirky thing that we enjoy living with. Try to find a good balance between the two and you’re all set.

Don’t call it BPD. This is a really simple one but one I see…all the time. BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder, which is an entirely different thing.

Not all Bp is type 1. And not all experiences are textbook examples. Research type two and cyclothymia too. Not everybody experiences things exactly the same way as everybody else. I never see type two in media so I know that I, and others, would love to see more that we didn’t have to write ourselves. Look at websites and videos of people talking about their personal experiences and go off that, make the character complex and unique, don’t just copy out the DSM-5.

Talk about the crap bits! Gonna list off some of the symptoms I have that I don’t often see in fics so you can see how diverse it is.

 Depressive first:

Weight loss

Oversleeping

Complete withdrawal from loved ones

Emotionally vacant. It’s not always intense sadness, it can feel like nothing too

Fatigue

No appetite/constant nausea

Slow recovery

No consideration of hygiene…at all

               Hypomanic:

No sleep

Cannot sleep

Panic attacks become more frequent

Don’t even notice until after

Large appetite

Those are just a few, make sure you research and look around at more.

Remember the basics. Remember how long episodes typically last. That they aren’t continuous for most people. They can’t be fixed by the power of love. It can be genetic. Meds don’t eradicate it. Just the typical stuff.

[nayialovecat]

BPAD (period of manic) / ChAD (epizod maniakalny)

On the last occasion, I wrote about depressive episodes. Today, on the occasion of World Bipolar Day, I decided to say a few words about the other pole of BPAD.

This time it is much more difficult, because in my case the manic episodes are extremely mild (the so-called mild hypomania), they are almost harmless and desirable (especially in comparison with my severe depressive episodes), so to make yourself aware of how dangerous a depressive episode is, I had to search for information about people who are not so lucky.

Let's start by explaining the difference between manic and depressive episodes. As the name of the disorder "bipolar" implies, these are two opposite poles and absolutely everything known from a depressive episode in a manic case is inverted one hundred and eighty degrees. In a depressive episode, you have no energy for anything - in a manic episode you have too much of it. In depressive people, you sleep many hours a day - in manic, even an hour or two of sleep is enough to function fully. And here the first danger begins, because although you don't feel asleep, such treatment of your body overloads it. But more on that in a moment. When in a depressive episode an ill person thinks he/she is useless, that he is a burden for others, that he should not and cannot do anything - in a manic episode it is exactly the opposite: an ill person is certain of his/her infallibility, his/her abilities, and his/her strength. Additionally, when we are dealing with a severe course of a manic episode, they can occur (like on the side of a depressive episode there are depressive delusions, suicidal thoughts and the desire to mutilate) - various types of mental disorders such as hallucinations, misinterpretation of facts, and even be accompanied by a lot of more dangerous schizophrenia and various types of delusions and manias (e.g. persecution). However, a person during a manic period has one thing in common with a person in a depressive period: they absolutely should not be left to themselves.

Again, I would like to share with you a handful of good advice on how to deal with a person at this stage of bipolar affective disorder... Some points will be based on my own experiences (as I wrote many times: I have a very mild manic episode), others on the knowledge I gained from other sources. If something is missing here, I'm sorry, I have much less experience with this part of bipolar.

You should not leave a person in a manic period to themselves. The mania must not be underestimated, like depression must not be underestimated. Different people react differently and have a different course of the disorder - for some (like me) it is just a flow of ideas and willingness to act. In such a case, it is enough to inhibit the more risky ideas, not to allow, for example, to resign from work at the expense of a "new business idea", and to remind about certain obvious things, such as the need to eat or sleep. However, there are people who begin to behave... unbearably during this period. They are more impetuous, violent, maybe more swearing or showing aggression. There are people who get paranoid, stop trusting others, make strange or even stupid decisions.

A manic episode involves an increase in energy - so it's a good idea to put that energy back on track. Perhaps it is worth suggesting to such a person that he/she start practicing some sport or engage in some activity (necessarily giving visual effects - people in a manic period do not like to perform activities whose effects cannot be seen immediately). This will help relieve energy and tension, allow such a person to focus on something specific, and will not allow for racing thoughts and the implementation of dangerous ideas.

It is essential to remind the ill person to sleep at least these six hours a day and eat at least three wholesome meals. Being in a manic episode, it's really easy to forget about it - there were times when I slept 1-2 hours a day and spent the whole day having a single tea. However, it really destroys the body, it's not healthy for it - that's why you must even force the ill person to go to bed or eat and make sure that they actually do it.

Medicaments - again, you should be reminded of medicaments and be careful about taking them, not only those for bipolar disorder, but also all others. You must know that during the manic period, the mind of a sick person is at the stage "I know everything better than others" (also from doctors) and "everything is better than okay with me, why should I poison myself with it?" Which means that they very easily give up medicaments they think are unnecessary. Or it may be that, in their opinion, they don't need any medicaments.

If he/she has a severe manic episode (with, for example, delusions or other psychotic illnesses), talking may help. Just again: let's not try logic. Logic doesn't really work with most mental illnesses. It is worth listening carefully to the ill person, even agreeing them, even if they say absolutely incoherent things. The thoughts of ill people wander very often, they can change the topic of conversation even while uttering one sentence. When the conversation takes a wrong turn, it stimulates the ill person a lot, triggers aggression in her/him, you can try to gently direct the conversation in a safe direction, it's necessary to try to calm down. Most often, however, it is enough to just listen and not show the interlocutor that he/she is talking stupid or that we don't understand something - so you should show a lot of understanding and patience.

Manic people are more prone to taking risks and are often bold enough to be stupid. They are willing to try things that threaten their life or position - therefore they can easily fall into drug addiction, gambling or alcoholism. They may take loans, become more promiscuous or quit their job overnight. Be vigilant.

I didn't write about it in my journal about depressive episodes, 'cause I thought it was obvious, but I will write here: very often it is necessary to provide an ill person with the help of a psychiatrist who will help an ill person master certain techniques of silencing.

Well, personally, I still think depressive episodes are a much more dangerous part of bipolar affective disorder, but the truth is, all of bipolar disorder is insanely dangerous. In the case of a depressive episode, the danger is more focused on an ill person - in the case of a manic episode, it also transfers to an ill person's environment (he/she may pose a threat to life for those around him, e.g. by accidentally starting a fire or driving in a dangerous way in a car). That is why it's so important to be aware of the existence of this disorder and to treating it as soon as possible by the ill person.

I hope that with this text I will slightly increase people's awareness of bipolar affective disorder and maybe help someone who has it or knows someone who has this mental ill.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Przy ostatniej okazji pisałam o epizodach depresyjnych. Dzisiaj, z okazji Światowego Dnia Choroby Afektywnej Dwubiegunowej postanowiłam powiedzieć kilka słów na temat drugiego bieguna ChAD.

Tym razem mam o wiele trudniej, bo w moim przypadku epizody maniakalne mają wyjątkowo łagodny przebieg (tzw. hipomania o łagodnym przebiegu), są wręcz nieszkodliwe i pożądane (zwłaszcza w zestawieniu z moimi ciężkimi epizodami depresyjnymi), dlatego, aby uzmysłowić nawet samej sobie, jak niebezpieczny jest epizod depresyjny, musiałam poszukać informacji o osobach, które takiego szczęścia nie mają.

Zacznijmy od wyjaśnienia, czym różni się epizod maniakalny od depresyjnego. Jak sama nazwa choroby "dwubiegunowa" wskazuje, są to dwa przeciwne bieguny i absolutnie wszystko, co było znane z epizodu depresyjnego w przypadku maniakalnego jest odwrócone o sto osiemdziesiąt stopni. W epizodzie depresyjnym nie ma się na nic energii – w maniakalnym ma się jej aż za dużo. W depresyjnym sypia się po kilkanaście godzin na dobę – w maniakalnym wystarcza nawet godzina lub dwie snu, aby funkcjonować w pełni sprawnie. I już tu zaczyna się pierwsze niebezpieczeństwo, bo choć nie ma się uczucia niewyspania, takie traktowanie swojego ciała mocno je przeciąża. Ale o tym za chwilę. Gdy w epizodzie depresyjnym osobie chorej wydaje się, że do niczego się nie nadaje, że jest dla innych obciążeniem, że nie powinna i nie potrafi niczego zrobić – w maniakalnym jest dokładnie odwrotnie: osoba chora jest pewna swojej nieomylności, swoich umiejętności, swojej siły. Dodatkowo, gdy mamy do czynienia z ciężkim przebiegiem epizodu maniakalnego, mogą dochodzić (tak ja po stronie epizodu depresyjnego są urojenia depresyjne, myśli samobójcze i chęć okaleczania się) – różnego rodzaju zaburzenia umysłowe takie jak halucynacje, nadinterpretacja faktów, a nawet mogą towarzyszyć mu dużo bardziej niebezpieczne schizofrenia i różnego rodzaju urojenia oraz manie (np. prześladowcza). Osobę w czasie trwania okresu maniakalnego łączy jednak z osobą w okresie depresyjnym jedna rzecz: absolutnie nie powinna być pozostawiona samej sobie.

Znów chciałabym się podzielić z Wami garścią dobrych rad, jak postępować z osobą będącą na tym etapie choroby afektywnej dwubiegunowej… Kilka punktów będzie opartych na moich własnych doświadczeniach (jak wielokrotnie pisałam: mam bardzo łagodny przebieg epizodów maniakalnych), pozostałe na wiedzy, którą zdobyłam z innych źródeł. Jeśli czegoś tu brakuje, bardzo przepraszam, mam zdecydowanie dużo mniejsze doświadczenie z tą częścią dwubiegunówki.

Nie należy zostawiać osoby będącej w okresie maniakalnym samej sobie. Nie wolno bagatelizować maniactwa tak samo jak nie wolno bagatelizować depresji. Różne osoby różnie reagują i mają różny przebieg choroby – u niektórych (jak u mnie) jest to po prostu przypływ pomysłów i chęci działania. W takim wypadku wystarczy jedynie hamować co ryzykowniejsze pomysły, nie pozwolić na przykład na rezygnację z pracy kosztem „nowego pomysłu na biznes”, a także przypominać o pewnych oczywistościach, jak potrzeba spożywania pokarmów czy snu. Są jednak osoby, które w tym okresie zaczynają zachowywać się… nieznośnie. Są bardziej porywcze, gwałtowne, może więcej przeklinają lub przejawiają agresję. Są osoby, którym włączają się paranoje, przestają ufać innym, podejmują dziwne albo wręcz głupie decyzje.

Epizod maniakalny wiąże się ze zwiększeniem energii – dobrym pomysłem zatem jest skierowanie owej energii na właściwe tory. Może warto zasugerować takiej osobie, aby zaczęła uprawiać jakiś sport albo zaangażowała się w jakąś czynność (koniecznie dającą wizualne efekty – osoby w okresie maniakalnym nie lubią wykonywać czynności, których efektów nie widać od razu). To pomoże rozładować energię i napięcie, pozwoli takiej osobie skupić się na czymś konkretnym, a nie pozwoli na gonitwy myśli i realizację niebezpiecznych pomysłów.

Należy koniecznie przypominać osobie chorej o tym, że powinna spać przynajmniej te sześć godzin dziennie i jeść co najmniej trzy pełnowartościowe posiłki. Będąc w epizodzie maniakalnym naprawdę łatwo o tym zapomnieć – zdarzały mi się okresy, kiedy sypiałam po 1-2 godziny dziennie i cały dzień spędzałam na pojedynczej herbacie. To jednak naprawdę wyniszcza organizm, nie jest dla niego zdrowe – dlatego trzeba wręcz wymuszać na osobie chorej, aby kładła się spać czy jadła i zadbać, aby faktycznie to robiła.

Leki – znów należy przypominać o lekach i pilnować ich zażywania, nie tylko tych na chorobę afektywną dwubiegunową, ale też wszystkich innych. Musicie wiedzieć, że w trakcie okresu maniakalnego umysł osoby chorej znajduje się na etapie „wiem wszystko lepiej od innych” (także od lekarzy) oraz „przecież wszystko ze mną jest lepiej niż w porządku, po co mam się tym truć?”. Co oznacza, że bardzo łatwo rezygnują z leków, które ich zdaniem są zbędne. A może tak być, że w ich opinii wszystkie leki są im zbędne.

W przypadku przebiegu ciężkiego epizodu maniakalnego (któremu towarzyszą np. urojenia lub inne schorzenia psychotyczne) pomóc może rozmowa. Tylko znowu: nie próbujmy logiki. Logika naprawdę nie działa w przypadku większości chorób psychicznych. Warto za to wysłuchać dokładnie osoby chorej, nawet jej przytakiwać, choćby mówiła rzeczy absolutnie nieskładne. Myśli osób chorych często bardzo błądzą, potrafią zmieniać temat rozmowy nawet w trakcie wypowiadania jednego zdania. Gdy rozmowa przybiera zły obrót, pobudza bardzo osobę chorą, wyzwala w niej agresje, można próbować delikatnie kierować rozmowę w bezpiecznym kierunku, koniecznie próbować wyciszyć i uspokoić. Najczęściej wystarczy jednak po prostu słuchać i nie wykazywać rozmówcy, że mówi głupoty, albo że czegoś nie rozumiemy – należy wykazywać zatem wiele zrozumienia i cierpliwości.

Osoby w okresie maniakalnym mają większą skłonność do podejmowania ryzyka i często cechują się odwagą graniczącą z głupotą. Są skłonne próbować rzeczy zagrażających ich życiu lub pozycji – dlatego łatwo mogą popaść w narkomanię, hazard czy alkoholizm. Mogą brać kredyty, decydować się na większą rozwiązłość seksualną czy rzucić pracę z dnia na dzień. Należy zachowywać czujność.

Nie pisałam o tym w moim dzienniku dotyczącym epizodów depresyjnych, bo uznałam, że to oczywiste, ale tutaj już napiszę: bardzo często niezbędne jest objęcie chorego pomocą lekarza psychiatry, który pomoże choremu opanować pewne techniki wyciszenia.

Cóż, osobiście nadal uważam, że okres depresyjny jest dużo bardziej niebezpieczną częścią ChAD, ale prawda jest taka, że cała choroba afektywna dwubiegunowa jest szalenie niebezpieczna. W przypadku epizodu depresyjnego niebezpieczeństwo jest bardziej skupione na osobie chorej – w przypadku epizodu maniakalnego, przenosi się także na otoczenie chorego (chory może stwarzać zagrożenie życia dla osób wokół siebie, np. niechcący wzniecając pożar, albo poruszając się w niebezpieczny sposób samochodem). Dlatego tak ważna jest świadomość istnienia tej choroby i podjęcie jej jak najszybszego leczenia przez osobę chorą.

Mam nadzieję, że tym tekstem odrobinę zwiększę świadomość ludzi na temat ChAD i być może pomogę komuś, kto się z nią boryka albo zna kogoś chorego.

#nayialovecat #aboutme #justthoughts #BPAD #ChAD #I'm not specialist I just have this shit #this is important #Today is World Bipolar Day #Światowy Dzień Choroby Afektywnej Dwubiegunowej #World Bipolar Day #Bipolar Affective Disorder #Choroba Afektywna Dwubiegunowa #I don't wish this to anyone #But if you are ill or know an ill person be vigilant - this is a very dangerous disorder

[sta-bright]

My First Tumble

Hi Tumblr,

I was inspired to get a Tumblr account, believe it or not, from Netflix's 2021 four-part docu-series "Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel." Although I highly doubt anyone cares enough to read any of my posts or has the attention span to read anything longer than a few sentences written by a 23 year old with her boobs out, *just in case,* SPOILER ALERT.

The (main) topic of the show focuses around Elisa Lam, who vanished in early 2013 when she was staying at the Cecil Hotel and was then found dead in one of the four water tanks on the roof 19 days after being reported missing (I think I have that correct but don't hold me to it, imaginary readers. It was something like that.).

Anyway, "...to make a long story short"... "too late" #cluereference, Elisa had a Tumblr blog. It seemed to be a good setup for how she was writing very personally, which is what I want to do, so here we go. I have a blog page for the business I own, but to be honest, it's geared more toward, well, business, so I don't feel like I can write freely, or only like the "good" or "normal" part of myself, the good stuff geared at an audience without scaring people away or whatever. So for this one, I don't really care as much about proper grammar or spelling, just somewhere to write my real thoughts if and when I can focus enough to sort them out enough to put them down. I have a bunch of journals, but they are all over the place and I can't write fast enough, so I'm going to try this out. I have a lot to say, and I think even just putting it out there even though I know no one cares might help me feel a little bit of relief, even if anyone does read it and might think I'm an idiot or whatever.

I wasn't sure what to name my blog, and I'm not sure if there's a way to change it in the future, but for now I have decided on "Sta-Bright." Most of my family and some of my close friends call me "Sta" and my partner David calls me Sta Bright, which I think is really cute and makes me happy, so here we are. I use the word partner because I think the word boyfriend is a little too young for us and our relationship warrants a higher level than that. ANYWAY, there is the background information for you, my new friend, Tumblr. I already feel better.

So, this show really pissed me off for a few (many) reasons. I've legitimately been pacing around all morning. First, even the title of the show is misleading. The death of Elisa Lam was not a "crime." It was a devastating incident of accidental death highly likely (as confidently confirmed by all professionals involved) related to a psychotic episode of her mental illness, Bipolar I, which I also happen to have. Netflix using the title "Crime Scene" to lure watchers in is disgusting within itself. Good for you, Netflix. Holla for the dollas! Make that money, baby.

Then, beyond the fact Netflix milked four episodes out of a glamorized case that was ruled an accidental death for this reason not even long after finding Elisa, it is the whole ordeal of the reality and dramatizing of this saga that is so sad.

Upon the release of the famous elevator footage the day she went missing, it went viral almost instantaneously.

*Hold please* I actually just read an article by BBC.com where director of the series, Joe Berlinger, says, "For the average viewer it's another compelling story you watch and then move on to the next. But for who this happened to, it's the worst moment in their life. It's a real tragedy for that person and that family." LOLOLOLOL OKAY JOE!!!! Is this why you spent FOUR EPISODES talking about bullshit theories to keep people hooked and open more discussion? You know that this is not out of respect. Shame on YOU!

"If you look at the other tellings of the story, you'd see she's the victim of some horrible, evil presence that took control of her.

"Those kinds of narratives, I think, are incredibly disrespectful and probably why the family just didn't want to deal with another show that was going to exaggerate the circumstances of the tragedy."

So is this why you made a show exaggerating the circumstances of the tragedy? Lol. "We need to talk about the ghost stories" Or do you need to talk about them to open a can of worms to more losers who fixate on the case? OR IS THAT JUST ME? I don't know. Lemme tell ya what. If anything ever happens to me, please make sure this Joe Schmuck doesn't make a pathetic docuseries about it.

Then, aside from the pathetic profit of Netflix, the actual details of what happened and how society and the "web sleuths" investigated, obsessed, and chimed in on this case is a whole other ballpark about society's minimization and lack of knowledge or respect for mental illness on its own.

THEN, there is a quote by Amy Price, the manager of the hotel during the incident, who is now profiting on a book she is writing about HER experience:

"I want to share my story," she says.

"But this isn't a horror story or anything like that. This is a story about struggle."

Okay, Amy. Whose fucking struggle are you writing about here? I legitimately don't know if she is referring to hers or Elisa's, but either way, it's gross.

It makes me so sad that this whole situation warranted MILLIONS of theories, millions of internet trolls writing articles about the "BIZARRE" death of this girl. This case is not fucking bizarre. It is unfortunate but it is not bizarre. This case was plastered all over internet lists with the titles "bizarre, unexplained cases of missing people." It's not unexplained, and it only was not for long.

These "web sleuths" were busy having a blast, going to the crime scene, smiling as they recorded, posting videos about their stupid theories. Trolls posting their dumb, far-fetched theories without knowing all of the facts, thinking they know better than the professionals, who DO have the findings, did do the labs, did do the investigations. And people still insist that THERE HAS TO BE MORE.

Of course, I don't know all the facts either. BUT, according to the actual professionals involved rather than the entire population of people who love a good "mystery," Elisa's toxicology results showed that her levels of the medications she was supposed to be on signified she had not been taking them as she should have been. They also found bottles of her medicine that had more pills than prescribed, also showing that she had not been taking them.

THEN, she was removed from the room she had been sharing with a few others due to "odd behavior" leaving weird post-its telling them to go away, or whatever. THEN, apparently going into the hotel lobby and screaming "I'm crazy!" or whatever it was.

Although all experiences with mental illnesses are unique, all of these details plus the footage, both detailing erratic behavior, leave no doubt in my mind that the professionals, SHOCKINGLY, CRAZILY, may be right! Who thunk it! I have legitimately acted in the ways described and shown in the video. I don't and couldn't understand HERS, but I understand MY paranoia, hallucinations, experiences I have had, and the actions that are presented, and I guarantee some would look very similar to that footage. Ask the few people who know me best what it's like when I'm not on my meds or fuck them up. I legitimately saw myself in her actions.

Yet, the internet losers had to fixate on a death metal artist who had stayed in the hotel for a few days A YEAR before any of this happened and legitimately ruined his life. His alibi was completely valid and he was dismissed by investigators. He was out of the country, he had tons of substantial paperwork and proof that he was, but that didn't matter.

Because no one takes bipolar disorder seriously, dismissing it as just mood swings, people being dramatic, seeking attention, being lazy, and everyone needs something more sensational, THIS wasn't even an option. They needed to fixate on crazy, fun conspiracy theories, watching the footage over and over and over again, sitting in their caves with their thumbs up their asses writing about their ballpark theories, internet bullying innocent people instead of doing any research on bipolar disorder, instead of defending or considering that it was a psychotic episode, which literally all of the official facts and footage present.

Clearly I'm not a professional either, but like... watch the show and you tell me. You tell me what you think is likely. You tell me what the professionals agree on. But before you make that call, try reading a little bit about bipolar disorder. Try reading about the psychotic episodes that can come with it. It probably won't change your mind, but oh well. It probably is just the hotel being haunted, ya know. Right? This is just my little rant that doesn't matter.

If you want to think it was a ghost, a demon, if it was a murder even though she literally had zero signs of any physical violence and there was zero evidence of it and all evidence the other way, you do that, boo. Have a blast. Hey, I 100% could be wrong, right? Absolutely. Who am I? Just a little dramatic, stupid, crazy nobody.

That's just my take, no better than any other internet trolls, I suppose. When all is said and done, in my little fantasy world, I guess people would just take bipolar disorder seriously and understand the severity of it. People would take it to consideration for the actions and words of those who have it. That's not fun, though. Everyone loves money, everyone loves a good story. Everyone loves making fun of people. Everyone loves a disability you can see. Everything I do is just me being an oddball. Everyone loves to be an internet bully.

I'm sorry for Elisa and her family who have had to deal with years of this. Years of people dismissing the severity of mental illness and obsessing over ghost stories, obsessing over the number of likes or views they get, money they make off of it.

Wow, that was a blast. I'm fairly confident no one will read this, but I feel a lot better that I put that out there. Again, I'm a little nobody, so nothing I say matters, but that's just my take on all of it. I've given up trying to convince anyone that I'm anything but weird, because I know no one will care or accept that. I'll just keep making people feel uncomfortable and keep looking like an idiot. Woe is me, am I right?

You have a blessed day now.

#mental health #mentalhealthmatters #bipolar disorder #bipolar 1 #fuck you netflix

[creepypocky]

Hi can I request a matchup please! Thank you if you do.

I want both if that's okay!

My pronouns are they/them but they change bc im genderfluid

My sexuality is bi

My style is vampire goth I wear rings, fishnets, black and red dresses! But sometimes I like to mixed my style up. Im usually grunge, goth, or sometimes scene it depends on the day and mood!

My hobbies are playing video games, watching movies, hanging out with friends, and going out to do fun things!

My goal is to be a more out going person!

My ideals with my s/o are going out to eat, looking at the night sky, going to the beach and going to arcades!!

My favorite kind of person is a person that would be loyal to a fault (like I am), have a strong but kind personality! They work towards they're goals but also have fun along the way <3

The kind of person I hate is stuck-up, selfish, jealous,snobby, nosey, and just plain rude to others or their own friends/family kind of like a basic stereotypical white girl in movies that does eye rolls lmaoooo

I like exploring nature and new places thats what I like. What I dislike is going somewhere new and getting lost. Or being stuck too.

My zodiac sign is pisces, my moon is in Sagittarius and my rising sign is virgo if that helps any!

Im mostly an introvert but I try my best to socialize with new people!

For NSFW: I dont have any kinks but what turns me on is neck kissing, biting, touching my legs or thighs tbh aftercare is the best to me

For a bonus: winter and autumn give me so much comfort, Halloween is my most loved holiday and Christmas is too <33 I love it when its chilly in autumn and when its snowing in winter it calms me so much even though I get cold way too easy lmaoooo

I hope your day/night is good!

Hii <3

You can most definitely get a matchup :)

I match you with: Ticci Toby!

First off, he thinks your style is really cool and sometimes when he's out on missions he will randomly buy clothes or small things for you and when he comes back he'll be really excited to just smother you in gifts and see the smile that comes up on your face because of him. Sometimes he'll even match styles with you just to show off to other people or just for the sake of it.

Toby is really interested in having fun and stuff despite the kind of person he is because he rarely gets to have fun because of Slender, but once you two start hanging out he always has these crazy ideas for the both of you to try out that he's never been able to do with people other than just doing stuff with himself.

When he's free, he likes to take you to arcades and skating rings to get you away from the other pastas because he knows they can be pretty rude or weird but also because he likes playing the games with you (especially the racing ones because they let him get his pent up emotions out by raging since he doesn't want to accidentally let it out on you) and he also loves the look of determination or amusement that you have when playing them.

He doesn't have as many games as Ben does back where he lives, but if you take interest in a game or mention one to him he always takes note of it and gets the game for you whenever he's able to without you knowing. He's really keen on spoiling you all the time and it's super cute when he goes out of his way to get you stuff even though he doesn't have to.

When it's a quiet night and he doesn't have to go out to do his job, he likes to cuddle up to you in bed and watch movies with you on his laptop. He mostly enjoys watching really bad horror movies just because it's fun to make fun of them, but if you're in a more serious mood he doesn't mind at all putting on whatever you want and just enjoying the moment with you.

He loves that you strive to have more friends and to be more outgoing even though you're mostly introverted because he knows most really introverted people wouldn't really bother with trying that, so he respects you a lot and admires your determination.

He can be pretty immature at times especially around the other pastas and his emotions can be confusing to even him, but despite everything he is still fairly loyal, especially to you. He can definitely be big on pranks but he always makes sure not to hurt you too bad or ever take interest in another person more than you because you're the main person who makes him feel human and/or normal, so he wants to show that same kind of contribution towards you.

Since he's bipolar and has to deal with depression due to his past and current job, he's pretty strong for going through it for so long and being with you only makes him stronger and reminds him of how lucky he is to still be breathing even though Slender could easily get rid of him if he wanted to, it gives Toby adrenaline and determination to keep on going and keep living with you whilst knowing the risk of it all.

He understands hating people who are really stuck up and selfish because before he became a proxy he would constantly get bullied by people like that and seeing others act the same way only reminds him of those bullies, so if you two ever encounter people like that he's always quick to take your side on it and get you away from them. He even hates some of the pastas because they can be like that too and it bothers him a lot because their actions are really unnecessary.

If you ever ended up getting lost somewhere new he would focus all of his time on finding you or getting you to someplace familiar because he hates seeing you upset and also doesn't want you to be in danger. He wants you to feel reassured that he'd have your back.

He also goes out into the woods often so if you ever feel like it he'll bring you and let you look around while he does what Slender tells him, and if it gets dark and you two are still out he'll look at the stars with you with his arm around your back.

Toby really loves winter too, if it ever snows he loves to just randomly pull you outside and mess with you with the snow, but if you're having a more calm and settled day he'll probably make hot chocolate for you or bake something with you (even though he's not the best at cooking or baking so it'll most likely be chaos lmao) and then just look at the snow outside while drinking or eating with you.

NSFW:

I canon Toby as mostly vanilla too but he's fairly passionate during sex and will mostly definitely pamper your neck, leaving sloppy kisses and hickeys as he holds you in his arms and massages around your body and legs.

No matter who is topping or subbing he always has a thing for squeezing your thighs or your hips while holding your hand and its the sweetest thing especially when he groans in your ear and tries to pull you even closer to him.

He loves loves loves body worship so if you're ever having a hard day he loves to just lay you down and kiss all over your body to show his appreciation for you and you should probably just expect a bunch of bite marks on your body in the morning.

When the deed is done he loves to just hold you close against him and talk about random things with you if hes not too tired, will most definitely give you so many face kisses especially on the forehead and nose. He's just so happy he gets to have these kinds of experiences with you and is able to show you how much he appreciates you for being with him despite the shit he does.

There you go!! :) I hope you liked this matchup, and tysm I am having a good day despite feeling a bit sick but it's tolerable. I hope you're also having a great day and taking care of yourself. I enjoyed writing this a lot and learning about you, even if you think some of the parts in this matchup may be inaccurate.

<3

#creepypasta matchups #matchups #matchup #ticci toby #creepypasta smut #smut #fluff #anonymous #toby rogers #creepypasta

[seal-writes-stuff]

Dating Leonard Headcanons

Word count: 1.4k

Warnings: mental health struggles (bipolar disorder in particular)

Summary: all in the title

A/N: Writing? On my writing blog??? It’s more likely than you think. First time posting a fic, hope you enjoy!

You click almost instantly: let's face it, you've known each other for three minutes and you're already charmed. You feel a bit ridiculous, blushing like a teenager over a simple conversation, but hey, who can blame you? He’s funny, sweet and seems to really enjoy spending time with you - what a guy.

On his end, Leonard is charmed right back, but he’s also scared. He’s met a lot of rejection in his life, so he has this irrational belief that you’ll run away once you find out “what he’s really like”. He does his best to brush it off, but he’s definitely nervous.

Tries really, really hard to impress you. You want to see the pictures he takes? Here you go. You want to spend an evening together? There he is. He hopes he doesn’t come off as desperate, but you see this as nothing but sweet and romantic.

This includes waiting in different places you frequent so he can “accidentally” bump into you – whether it’s your favorite coffee shop, a bus stop close to your workplace or a small park where you go when you need an escape. You catch onto it at some point (after all, there’s only so many times when this guy you like can just so happen to be nearby), but you don’t really mind – truth to be told, you’re glad to have an excuse to see him more.

Leonard has a pretty flexible schedule, so he frees a lot of time to see you. He understands if you need space or just feel too tired to meet up, but if you’re down – he’s down, no questions asked.

Long walks around the city! You go out to restaurants and such from time to time, but you both like simple things and enjoy each other’s company, just hanging around and chatting about everything and nothing at the same time.

Seriously, you feel like you can talk for hours and still have so much to say. You listen to him telling stories from his life or just random things that come to his mind, hanging to every word. He listens while you gush about your hobbies or the promotion you just might get at work with a big, lovesick smile on his face. You think he’s a great listener and he thinks he’s never met someone who understands him so well.

He gets carried away, though. From time to time, he mentions some absolutely heartbreaking things (like the reason why his ex-fiancée left), but he always brushes it off with a laugh before you can say anything. You don’t make a big deal out of it because you don’t want to make him uncomfortable, but you do think about it. A lot.

By the way, expect a lot of knowing looks from his parent when you come over to his place, especially for the first time. Leonard is pretty used to it so he doesn’t pay it too much attention, but you can’t help but feel like you’re being put on the spot. He always tries to calm you down after that, making you laugh

Leonard also gives you lot of presents, ranging from pricy jewelry to “hey, I saw this cool rock on the sidewalk and thought you should have it”. You always tell him that he doesn’t need to give you things, that you just like him for him, but he still does it – he just can’t get enough of that charming smile that graces your face every time. You keep all of his gifts, no matter how big or small.

When some time passes, with a lot of trust between you, Leonard opens up about his bipolar disorder – although very, very reluctantly. He doesn’t want it to define him and deep down, he thinks that you’ll get scared and leave – or even worse, that you’ll start pitying him. Of course, you listen to every word and reassure him that it doesn’t change your opinion at all – if anything, the more you know, the more you fall in love. For a moment, he gets so overwhelmed with emotions he doesn’t even know what to say, so he just kisses you in response.

After that, you get in a relationship very quickly. Leonard is sure of his feelings and he doesn’t want to lose you, so he doesn’t see a reason to “waste any more time”, and you don’t either.

Leonard is very excited about your relationship – maybe even too much sometimes. You have to cool him off a little here and there – for example, when he starts talking about buying a house together, or moving to another state, or getting married and having a big family right after. You tell him you’d love to have all of those things with him, of course, but come on, hasn’t it just been a couple of months? He doesn’t get upset over this, but he makes a mental mark to slow down (he tries his best, really).

He generally has his head in the clouds a lot of the time, so you try to ground him – whether it’s by reminding to take his meds, packing him some lunch to work or just being there when he gets too worked up. Leonard might get a bit irritated about that in the moment, but he always appreciates it at the end of the day.

You don’t fight often, but when you do, Leonard can’t hold a grudge to save his life. He tries to stay angry at first, but fifteen minutes later he’s already regretting it and in a half an hour he’s already coming to you with: “I’m sorry baby, I love you, please don’t be mad” – it doesn’t even matter who started the whole thing or why. You make up every time; you just can’t find it in yourself to keep the fight going.

You always talk things out afterwards though – you want him to know what’s bothering you and you don’t want him to hide his discomfort just to make you happy. It takes a while, but Leonard tries his best to take your words to heart.

During his depressive episodes, Leonard tends to stay at home and sleep it off until it passes. When it’s possible, you try to be by his side as much as you can – talking to him, helping with household chores when those get too overwhelming or just cuddling in silence and playing with his hair. He finds your presence comforting, so it’s the least you can do. You also know that when he tried to suck it up and push through in the past it always ended horribly; you want him to be safe.

Every time Leonard feels a lot of guilt over this. Like he’s slacking off, like he’s being a burden and just taking up your time, like you could be doing something you actually like and instead you’re stuck there with him. Again, he doesn’t voice any of this, but you know him well enough to understand his thought process. You always remind him that you’re here because you want to, because you love him and you love spending time with him, even the quiet moments, covering his face in kisses. His heart always flutters– you can’t make his symptoms disappear, but you definitely make him feel less alone in all of this.

After he gets better, he always tries to make it up to you – usually by doing little things for you or spending some extra time together. You don’t want him to feel indebted to you, but he always reassures you that he doesn’t – after all, can’t he do nice things for the love of his life just because he feels like it?

When you’re feeling down or upset, Leonard always notices and tries to cheer you up – usually by distracting you with your favorite movie or silly jokes. But when it doesn’t work, he just sits there with you, hugging you and drawing invisible twirls on your back until you feel better. He knows he can’t always help, but he also knows how much just being there for someone can mean.

Overall, while things might be hard sometimes, you have a healthy, supportive relationship. Leonard has never felt so loved in his life and you wouldn’t change a thing about him.

#leonard kraditor #leonard kraditor x reader #leonard kraditor imagine #joaquin phoenix x reader #joaquin phoenix imagine #two lovers #seal writes

[sunriseverse]

rec listtttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

fair warning there’s a lot of different fandoms here—i have, uh. twenty-two pages of bookmarks. lots of newmann though, i promise. in no particular order, i give you a fic rec list

the future’s owned by you and me by kaiyen (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 7k, Not Rated)

Years after they stopped writing each other, Newt and Hermann run into each other on the steps of Cambridge University Library. Quite literally.

 Newt stares at him, expecting more. He doesn’t get any. “Come on, man, who are you? Maybe I’ve read something.”

 I doubt it, Hermann barely catches himself from saying. “Gottlieb. Hermann Gottlieb.”

 And Newt looks like he’s struck oil. “Oh my god,” he says, and something flickers behind his eyes, like there’s more than just recognition there, and before he can wonder any more about what it is, Newt blurts, “Oh my god!” and Hermann flinches and makes a face like a disgruntled frog.

What you can expect: emotions, opprotunities missed, and opprotunities taken. I absolutely adore this fic, though I might be biased by the fact that it has Newt as bipolar, and that’s something I always crave (more bipolar Newt fic when???).

Survival is for Nerds by Annabeelee (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 46k, Teen and Up)

It's three hundred and two years after humanity lost to the Kaiju and two hundred and twenty one since the Kaiju left. Not that it matters to Hermann. In relation to following a neurotic genetic experiment across whats left of the Northern American continent while dodging alien predators and hostile subgroups of humans, its possibly the least helpful thing to keep in mind.

What you can expect: scifi, tension, and a very intersting world. Post-apocalyptic, technically, but the way it’s written makes it almost hopeful. I love how the setting and writing makes it feel like a blend between victorian steampunk and futuristic in tone.

people can surprise you (or not) by pdameron (James Bond, James Bond/Q, 10k, Teen and Up)

“I’m not you, Bond. I don’t exactly have a technique for getting rich strangers to like me.”

“Just do your naive cute puppy thing, and they’ll be doting on you in no time,” Bond replies as he pulls up to the grand estate.

“My what?” Q asks incredulously. Bond doesn’t answer, simply giving him an indulgent smile. The fucker.

(or: 00q meets Gosford Park. Except not really.)

What you can expect: humour, murder, and some light espionage. Also, fake dating.

Infinite Distance by lachatblanche (X-Men, Erik Lensherr/Charles Xavier, 7k, Teen and Up)

When they encounter an unfamiliar and seemingly-abandoned ship in the middle of nowhere in space, Captain Charles Xavier of the spaceship Graymalkin heads out to investigate.

What you can expect: drama! Intruige! It’s set in space! I read this a while ago but I have memories of it being rather riveting despite the relatively short length.

Gertrude’s Goulash by lollzie (Gotham, Edward Nygma/Oswald Cobblepot, 7k, General Audiences)

Ed needs a new roommate. Oswald needs a room. Oswald may just be the most amazing person Ed has ever met. Shame he's not single. Cue wooing via the medium of cooking.

What you can expect: pining, misunderstandings, obliviousness, and a lot of goulash as a method of romancing.

Death Of The Author by happygolovely (Gotham, Edward Nygma/Oswald Cobblepot, 9k, Mature)

Edward Nygma was never intended to be anything more than a secondary character.

The Riddler demands otherwise.

What you can expect: a story within a story within a story. You think you have it figured out, and the next moment the carpet is yanked out from beneath you. Fairly dark, possibly disturbing, but my goodness if it’s not engaging.

we make our friends, we make our enemies by ORiley42 (Mission: Impossible, Benji Dunn/Ethan Hunt, 52k, Teen and Up)

Benji finds out he has a new neighbor. This new neighbor happens to be off-the-charts hot. Hijinks, friendship, more-than-friendship, and secret agent drama ensue.

What you can expect: pining. There’s spy stuff going on too, and it eventually gets brought up, but my gods, the pining. Also, it’s fucking hilarious, and, at just over fifty thousand words, the perfect read when you’ve got an hour or two and you want something that’ll make you both laugh and cry.

Self-Sabotage by EmilyweepsforPilfrey (James Bond, James Bond/Q, 2k, Teen and Up)

For some reason, whenever he's alone with Bond, the most ridiculous things come out of Q's mouth.

Or 'the one where Q accidentally invents a girlfriend'.

What you can expect: Q being an utter idiot. It’s hilarious. Nice quick bite of humour if you fancy it.

The Long Con by harleygirl2648 (Hannibal, Will Graham/Hannibal Lecter, 19k, Teen and Up)

There are two kinds of cons: long and short. Short cons mean short-term gain, with smaller rewards, mostly just everything you have in your pocket at that moment. Long cons mean lots of time, effort, costumes, masks, props, sets, and other characters all looking to set up the downfall of the mark and take them for all that they've got.

Con Artist/Thieves AU: Will Graham and Hannibal Lecter are both interested in acquiring a Botticelli, but both of them are quite fond of each other's short games. For both of them, it's the deception and thrill of the game that's worth more than the payout.

And well, after all, aren't the easiest people to scam are those who think they are smart enough to not get scammed?

What you can expect: no cannibalism, a lot of banter, and, of course, con artistry. Quite delightful if I do say so myself.

deus ex machina by coloredink (Hannibal, Will Graham/Hannibal Lecter, 26k, Teen and Up)

"What the hell?" said Katz.  "Is that--"

"Yeah, I know, it's kinda flashy."  Will shut the car door behind him and patted his pockets for the little fob to lock the car.

"Isn't that Hannibal Lecter's car?"

The car beeped to indicate it was locked.  "Yeah, I guess so."  Will walked away, toward the field, Katz on his heels.  "I needed a new car."

"So you bought the cannibal car?"

-----

You asked for it: the one where Hannibal is a murderous self-driving car.

What you can expect: what it says on the tin. Quite funny, especially with the element of magical realism meaning Hanni-car is sentient. The Hannigram is more vaguely implied than an actual thing, owing, probably, to the fact that Hannibal is, well, a car.

adapt, evolve, become. by peupeugunn (Alex Rider, Gen, 3k, Not Rated)

“This is how you get out. You're slowly moving towards a desk job.” A pause, then, “you know, most people do it the other way around.” Alex chuckles softly and and shuffles towards him to lean against his shoulder, burrowing into the crook of his neck. Ben’s arm winds around him, shields him from the world, a solid weight on his back. “You're going to miss the adrenaline rushes, kid.” There's something almost sad in his voice. Alex doesn't want to understand why. Down that road lies madness. 

What you can expect: a character study, in a bit of a roundabout way.

A Sharp Dressed Man by Avelera (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 12k, Teen and Up)

Hermann's latest book needs an author photo. However, when he's given a makeover and a suit that actually fits for the photo shoot, his appearance is so transformed that Newt mistakes him for his (much hotter) older brother, Dietrich.

Hermann decides to play along.

What you can expect: gods this fic is so good. It’s the first Newmann fic I ever read, and I’ve reread it a good six times since 2018. I would say more, but I think the fic speaks for itself.

Gestures by Actually_Crowley (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 7k, Teen and Up)

Newton finds out what Hermann does with his rare free time, but the discovery leads him to believe that Hermann honestly and unequivocally hates him. 

What you can expect: the rituals are fucking intricate. I love this fic so so so much. And the eventual reveal/confession...scream.

Fate’s Horrifying Ways (also known as: CHRISTMAS GODZILLA) by linearoundmythoughts (Pacific Rim, Newton Geislzer/Hermann Gottlieb, 4k, Teen and Up)

Your name is Newton Geiszler and you’re going to have to break things off with your sort-of online boyfriend because you’re cheating on him. Sort of. [AKA the most dramatic summary of a humorous crackfic ever ok]

Originally written for the Pacrim Secret Santa back in 2014.

What you can expect: first off, it’s not second person, I promise. It is, though, really fucking funny, owing to the misunderstandings that ensue. There’s much pining, some angsting, and, of course, humour.

Letters From Berlin by spenshi (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 12k, Teen and Up)

Newton keeps in touch with his family when he's shipped off to the Shatterdome. Jacob and Illia send care packages to the K-Science Lab. 

What you can expect: Geiszler-family feels. A lot of them. Also, Newt and Hermann slowly growing closer to until they can finally admit they’re into each other.

Wishbone by cypress_tree (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 8k, Teen and Up)

Hermann doesn't have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving, so Newt invites him over for food, family, and a little bit of flirting.  Just a warm, fuzzy college AU to get you through the holidays. 

What you can expect: fluff, softness, general feel-good fic. It’s really good, and it has Geiszler-family feels. Reading this fic is a bit like drinking hot cocoa on a cold day.

next days by catbeans (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 5k, Teen and Up)

Hermann had never felt an ache quite like this one, and he had felt plenty. He had been running on adrenaline first, and then on the necessity to keep running, pain and bone-deep exhaustion falling to such a low priority that he couldn't even consider it one anymore, and then it had stopped.

(the 18 hour nap date these guys deserve)

What you can expect: Newt and Hermann cuddling. A lot. That’s really it, that’s the fic. It’s 100% indulgent and I love it for that.

Tebori by SkysongMA (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 7k, Not Rated)

Newt squints. "It's really not a sex thing? 'Cause I'm not opposed to it being a sex thing, mind you. I just don't want to come in the lab tomorrow and not get to throw things at your stupid face."

Hermann lets out an endless, long-suffering sigh. "It's really not a sex thing, Newton, honestly. We hate each other. That's worked out very well for us so far, and it will continue to work out for us in the future." He doesn't mention that they haven't always hated each other and that, at one point in their long relationship, showing up unannounced at Newton's door for the purpose of sexual favors would not have been so far out of the realm of possibility. Had been, in fact, one of those things Hermann had considered late at night long ago, when he couldn't go a week without a fat envelope in the mail full of Newt's ramblings.

But that was quite some time ago, and he means it. They each get more work done than they would ever have separately, even if only because they like to rub their progress in the other's face.

Anyway, admitting anything different would just give Newt ammunition

What you can expect: Newt gives Hermann a tattoo. There’s a lot of feels.

Newt Inherits a Bar by orphan (Pacific Rim and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 11k, Not Rated)

The scary part is the bar looks exactly like Newt remembers.

What you can expect: you’ll probably tear up a bit. This one hits pretty hard, honestly, but it’s so, so, so good.

First a Darling, Then a Marvel by isozyme (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 20k, Mature)

Newt runs a simulation given three constraints:

1: Newt wants to clone a kaiju 2: Hermann does not want Newt to clone a kaiju 3: Newt is going to clone a kaiju anyway

What you can expect: a lot of sciencing, a lot of feels, and two repressed idiots. There’s like, a paragraph or two of smut but it’s pretty clear when it’s going to happen so it’s easy to skip, which is great. The tl;dr of this fic is Newt clones some kaiju, Hermann reminds him how fucking horrible of an idea that is, and everything more or less works out in the end.

Tea and Sympathy by osprey_archer (Torchwood, Owen Harper/Ianto Jones, 13k, Teen and Up)

Soon after Jack's disappearance, Owen takes sick. Ianto goes to check on him.

What you can expect: crabby doctors, put-upon Welshmen, and a fuckton of emotions that everyone is trying to ignore. Not particularly happy, but then, when is Torchwood ever? It’s good while it lasts, though.

Pareidolia by hal_incandenza (Pacific Rim and The Black Tapes Podcast, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 102k, Mature)

It starts as a profile of paranormal investigator and professional skeptic Dr. Hermann Gottlieb. But it seems the further journalist Newt Geiszler delves into his cases, the more mysterious Dr. Gottlieb becomes. What is he hiding? What is he looking for? What is the truth? What is the difference between a journalist's idea of truth, and a scientist's?

Seeing is not believing. Believing is believing.

What you can expect: suspense, mystery, horror, pining, and apocalypse cults, with a dash of an ambiguous ending. I love this fic so much. I literally would stop what I was doing to read it when I got an alert that there was an update when it was still a work in progress.

Meet Me There Across The Water, And We’ll Start An Endless Storm by Skepticamoeba (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 35k, Teen and Up)

Hermann, an honorably discharged veteran has retired to continue working as a Keeper at a Lighthouse. It is perfectly solitary, and with little in the way for incidents. Newton is the sailor that washes up on the seashore after a summer storm.

[Late 19th century Lighthouse Keeper AU--or the one where Hermann was an aspiring artist whose dreams got a bit derailed, and Newt is the sailor that needs to learn to take his time with things.]

What you can expect: the pining........the intricate rituals............the denial.........*chef’s kiss*

and I couldn’t whisper when you needed it shouted by Lvslie (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 24k, Teen and Up)

He still smells like Newt; bears traces of his recent nearness. Clothes sleep-wrinkled from the proximity, from the way Newt’s ankle has during the night hooked around the calf of Hermann’s good leg and dragged his whole body seamlessly closer. Cheek half-flushed from the face unconsciously nuzzled his into the side of Hermann’s neck—evidence of his presence, fast asleep, as Hermann lay still and fretful for hours an end, staring at the ceiling and feeling sick with wanting.

[An early 20th century AU inspired loosely by Maurice and Age of Innocence.]

What you can expect: wistfulness, pining, repression, denial, lots of feelings. You’ll probably tear up. There’s an achingly happy ending for both of them. This is one of the fics I want a hard copy of so I can mark it up because, fuck, I love it so much.

leave the car running by Macremae (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 1k, Teen and Up)

It is clear that, after everything, Newt doesn't like to be touched. 

What you can expect: touch starvation, mutual pining, Newt finally getting the human contact he deserves. I wrote my own version of this since it was initially a prompt, but quite frankly, I like Newton’s version better because it hits.

The Man Who Invented Sherlock Holmes by Calais_Reno (Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson, 15k, Teen and Up)

John Watson, struggling young doctor, doomed to live an ordinary life, dreams of writing detective fiction. If he can just figure out his hero's name, the story will practically write itself.

What you can expect: Watson sort of, kind of, maybe invents a man into being. Oops. I haven’t read this one in a while but I remember it being quite a lot of fun. There’s elements of what I would say is probably magical realism, but it’s never quite clear.

Newton Isn’t Dead by Macremae (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb and Vanessa Gottlieb/Karla Gottlieb, 32k, Mature)

Newton Geiszler is currently being possessed by a genocidal alien race known as the Precursors. They’ve taken over his body, leaving him a prisoner in his own mind. However, Newt has a totally awesome plan. He’s going to make a deal with them: let him prove that Earth is worth saving, and if he can’t do that, they can have his body. But convincing a hivemind full of mega-colonizers that one blue planet can be wonderful isn’t going to be easy. He’s going to need the help of his kind-of-ex Hermann, his best friend Vanessa, and one awesome Footloose remake to pull this off.

So, naturally, they go on a road trip.

What you can expect: pining, world-saving, eventual confessions and happy endings. I had the great honour of reading the chapters before they were published, and this fic is one of my top five favourite fics. There were multiple points where I yelled, both literally (quietly) and through text (slightly less quietly).

it takes time, but time moves slow by prettydizzeed (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 2k, Teen and Up)

Hermann conducts a cost-benefit analysis every class period of sitting in the back of the lecture hall versus walking down the stairs to the front. He wishes he had hard data for this, to get some actual statistics, and perhaps after a while, if he records his pain level and his ability to read the board and pay attention after each class, he will be able to predict the outcomes given either choice on a particular day.

Two curves, traveling in opposite directions, inversely proportional: pain goes up, concentration goes down. It’s comforting, somewhat, to make it a numbers game. Impersonal. Absolute. Not a tragedy, and not his doing, only his to interpret, a smudged scrawl across his left knee in an unfamiliar handwriting, his to analyze, to decrypt.

What you can expect: the fic may only be 2k, but it will leave you feeling like you were punched. It’s fantastic.

I Could Be Jew-ish For You by Macremae (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 10k, Teen and Up)

When Hermann agrees to spend Chanukah with his family in an attempt to wheedle some desperately-needed funding out of his father, Newt insists that he shouldn’t face Lars alone and tags along as his “emotional support family rage distraction”. What they fail to realize are two things: 1. When Hermann brings Newt with him to the festivities, assumptions will be made, and 2. Newt may be half-Jewish, but he sure wasn’t raised as one. 

What to expect: fake dating fake dating fake dating— (can you tell I have a favourite trope?) In which Newt is Jew-ish, Hermann is both exasperated and pining, Lars is disliked, and we all get the Jewish romcom we deserve.

It Was Love At Second Sight by rednights (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 35k, Teen and Up)

Hermann receives the first letter when he is eighteen years old.

or: Kaiju don't attack the Earth, but Hermann and Newt still write letters, botch their first meeting, and fall in love, not necessarily in that order.

What you can expect: feels. So many fucking feels. There’s no kaiju but that doesn’t mean you won’t be on the edge of your seat.

hello my old heart by firebirdsuite (The Magnus Archives, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims, 15k, Teen and Up)

Peter’s wrong, of course. When it’s all over, Martin does still want to tell Jon everything. It’s just—well, there’s a few things they need to work through first before they can get there.

Martin and Jon find each other again in Scotland.

What you can expect: tenderness, domesticity, and love. The perfect trifecta.

the truth about me (and the truth about me) by danimagus (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 11k, Teen and Up)

Newton suffers from a bout of memory loss and is told Hermann is his fiancé.

Hermann plays along, to his endless shame.

What you can expect: two words: fake dating. Gods, I love this fic, as Mary can attest from how I unceremoniously started screaming at her about it in her tumblr messages the day of/after it was published. This fic is great because it subverts the trope a bit, and thus avoids issues of consent that may otherwise have occured.

speak right to my heart without saying a word by thekaidonovskys (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 13k, General Audiences)

“Your eyes. Your expression. Your smile. I’ve worked with you for ten years, Hermann, and words have never been our primary method of communication.” 

What you can expect: to be knocked the fuck out emotionally. This one hits pretty hard, and that’s what makes it so good.

Transducer by hal_incandenza (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 85k, Teen and Up)

“I need you to hide something for me.”

“Oh, excellent. Of course, Newton, please allow me to jeopardize my career. And yours as well. My pleasure. Do go on.”

“Yeesh, relax,” said Newton. “It’s a personal thing, not a work thing.”

“As if there is any division between the two,” Hermann snapped.

If only you knew, Newt thought.

What you can expect: intruigue, alien tech, light espionage. This fic will have your little nerd heart beating double-time. It’s very very good.

A Really Private Person by astolat (Person of Interest, Harold Finch/John Reese, 18k, Mature)

The end of the world started on a Wednesday in March. 

What you can expect: badassery on Finch’s part. One of the few fics I have bookmarked for this fandom, and it’s bookmarked for good reason.

Party For Two by ProblemWithTrouble (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 18k, General Audiences)

 “My mother’s parents have a home in the Black Forest that has a guest house. They’ve often allowed me to stay there when I could spare the time.” Hermann looked distant as if he were remembering something; the warmth of a fire and a nice book and the smell of freshly made tea. “It will be quiet, and possibly too boring for you-”

 “It won’t be. I could use some quiet after the decade we’ve had. I could actually compile my research. And sleep. It sounds amazing.”

After the world doesn't end Newt and Hermann take a vacation together to live in a cabin and finally relax, as friends. Cue the pining, the longing, and the living together as best friends.

What you can expect: a fic that will wrap you up like a warm blanket. Mutual pining, vacationing together in a cabin, lots of feels—what more can you want?

Dream Drifting by MooseLane (Pacific Rim and Inception, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 5k, General Audiences)

"You're running an extraction on that spastic PPDC biologist, is what I hear." Chau fixes him with a side-eye. "I know I wouldn't want to go poking around in that little bastard's head."

(There are not enough Inception x Pacific Rim crossover fics, so I decided to change that.)

What you can expect: Inception meets Pacific Rim. There’s no other way to say it, really.

I’ve Got Nothing To Do Today But Smile (The Only Living Boy In New York) by gyzym (Inception, Arthur/Eames, 19k, Teen and Up)

Arthur's a corporate lawyer, Eames owns the coffee shop across the street, and all good love stories start with a quadruple shot latte. 

What to expect: Arthur is stressed, Eames runs a coffee shop, and, through the power of friendship and a lot of stress-baking, everything works out happily for our intrepid protagonist.

Kalimat/كلمات  by rainbowagnes (The Old Guard, Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicolò di Genova, 3k, Teen and Up)

Yusuf translates medical texts for Niccolò from Greek and Persian into Arabic, and Niccolò spots the substratum of the ideas of the classical authors that he had once believed the basis of his own civilisation that he would go to the sword to defend, translated and passed down and sewn into a no longer foreign script. There are words Yusuf does not know how to translate. They will never, ever know all of the words. The prospect is thrilling. --- It takes Niccolò lifetimes to learn Arabic. 

What you can expect: if you, like me, are, especially natively, multilingual, this might hit the sweet spot of Language Feels. It did for me. Also, Joe calling Nicky hayati? Yeah.

i never liked that ending either by Macremae (Pacific Rim, Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb, 15k, Mature)

You want a better story. Who wouldn’t?    - Litany in Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out

Once upon a time Dr. Flick Tucker, K-Sci head of Biology, fought a bunch of highly scientific dragons to save the world. Then, they took over her life. It didn’t end well.

Once upon our time Dr. Newt Geiszler, marine biologist, sci-fi aficionado, and accidental discoverer of dimensional travel, got a chance to take her place. He has a couple of ideas.

In which Uprising is still a bad movie, musings on the nature of choice and personal autonomy are made, and somewhere, probably, a coin is showing heads every time.

What you can expect: everything’s fine this is a perfectly normal fic come here i want to cause you as much emotional damage as I can

Not Allowed by acedott (BBC Merlin, Gwen/Morgana, 1k, General Audiences)

Gwen has been dealing with self-imposed touch starvation since she was a child. Morgana sets out to challenge this. 

What you can expect: gays. Pining. Touch starvation. Need I say more?

Rocky Horror Pancake Show by ChuckleVoodoos (Daredevil, Matt Murdock/Franklin “Foggy” Nelson, 19k, Teen and Up)

Foggy falls asleep at exactly 12:00 AM, and he’s making a wish. He wakes up at 12:00 AM too—twenty-four hours before he fell asleep.

"Let's do the time warp again!"

What you can expect: Ground-hog Day style time-loop, lots of fluff, and a happy ending.

Ain’t No Nancy Kerrigan by cleverqueen (DC’s Legends of Tomorrow, Leonard Snart/Mick Rory, 13k, Teen and Up)

It's 1994, and young Lisa Snart's jumps aren't strong enough for an Olympic singles skater. Thankfully, her older brother has an athletic friend who can match her in pairs.

Mick Rory is hopelessly in love with Leonard Snart, though he'd never say anything about it, so he jumps at a chance to do Len's little sister a favor. If he's patient and works hard, maybe he'll even get to skate with her older brother.

What you can expect: pining, ice-skating, and general goodness. It’s fun, it’s funny, and it has a happy ending.

#rec list #ask #a good 40% of these are mutual pining but really who's surprised. i love a good mutual pining fic #hopefully all these links work because i spent. an inordinate amount of time compiling this. #let me know if any of the links need to be changed #c.txt

[queen-of-my-goofball-army]

Fruits Basket HCs

If you haven’t been able to tell from my blog, I REALLY love Fruits Basket. I have this immense love for these characters and I want to share the different headcanons that I have for each of these fantastic characters. I’m going to cover a lot of ground so I apologize if this becomes really long. To make this easier for myself this first part is just going to be my six favorite characters (Momiji, Tohru, Kyo, Kakeru, Hatori and Hatsuharu).

Momiji: 

* The mental health side of things for Momiji is that in my non-professional medical opinion (to quote the original show) he has really high levels of ADHD. He learned to combat this by taking gymnastics lessons as a young boy while everyone else was doing karate he was learning to be bouncing ball. 

*This one is a pretty much canon one but I love this idea; Momiji is genderfluid. I love the idea of Momiji hanging around Ritsu and learning about fashion from them. I also just really love the idea of Momiji in a cute little skirt with shorts underneath (don’t judge me I just really love the idea of it.) 

*Number one touchy friend!! He’s constantly a ball of energy and will hug and cling to all of his friends if they indulge him. He loves affection both giving it and receiving it.  

*He is surprisingly a really good baker!! I love the idea of him making friendship cupcakes for Tohru after everything happened just to thank her for all her help (She wouldn’t accept them but offer to share them with him instead.) 

*He learned violin from Ayame. I like to think that out of all the Sohma’s he is the most musically inclined. If you want to learn how to play an instrument go to Aya he’ll help you out fam. 

*How he learned German and started using that as his main language was in elementary school right after what happened with his mom happened (I’m trying to keep this as non-spoilery as possible so that my friends can read this too). He wanted something that reminded him of her but wasn’t painful. So he decided to learn another language and Hatori helped him. 

*He is probably one of the most likely to spoil his future children. He’ll give them the childhood that he was never technically given. If those children wanted something they were going to get it whether or not it was their birthday they want it. Plus he has the money to get them whatever they want!! 

Tohru: 

*So space cadet Tohru is canon and I am of the personal belief that a little bit of ADD which is why she always needs Yuki’s help with school. Most of these HCs are going to be a little bit mental health related mostly because that’s how I see them. 

*If Tohru had the ability to go to college it would be to become a professional chef. She loves cooking for other people and making people happy. Professional chefs to me are the types of people that love to make others happy which is why she cooks for others. 

*She is definitely the hug friend. What is the hug friend you may ask? It is a person that can give the best hugs. She is constantly getting hugs from Uo-chan and Hana-chan and to me she just seems the type that would give the best hugs in the entire world. 

*She has always been interested in being in a relationship someday. When she was little she loved Disney movies and would fantasize about one day finding her own personal Prince Charming. 

*At first in dating Kyo, Tohru gets flustered by EVERYTHING. This poor girl is always blushing around the love of her life. 

*Her favorite subject in school will always be cooking but she is surprisingly good at history!! She loves learning about the past mostly because she is one of the few people that found it interesting. 

*As a mom she is the most doting parent, the type that kids get embarrassed by at sleepovers. 

Kyo: 

*My first HC for our favorite cat boi is that he has autism. Hear me out, when I was in middle school I struggled immensely when it came to relating to people and understanding how they felt. I had undiagnosed aspergers at the time and found that he was one of the few characters that wanted to be better at dealing with his emotions and people. Having that relatability now that I’m older has been a huge help. 

*The most surprising HC that I have about Kyo is that he loves to write. Usually it’s just little things that irritate him throughout the day. It’s how he learned to officially get his anger calmed down so that he wouldn’t yell anymore once Hajime and his kids were born. 

*As a kid Kyo never had ice cream. It’s the same thing with the pancakes where he had never had sweets that wasn’t fruit. Tohru is appalled by this and one of their first dates was to get him to try ice cream (his favorite is mint chocolate chip) 

*Growing up he was alone a lot but I think that he would find companionship in books and literature. I feel like he’d be really good at school like in the original where we see him pouring over books to study. (The best way to get him to do well is of course a little competition.) 

*Kyo is a hella overprotective dad once his kids are born. This is obvious but if he has any daughters those future boyfriends, run just run. 

*Once the curse is broken he is constantly trying to make up for the years where he wasn’t able to get physical affection. After he gets over his own flustered tsundere habits with Tohru they became easily the closest couple. He finds that he loves having his hair pet (if he purrs he’ll deny it until the end of time)  

*I think that out of all my favorites Kyo would be the best listener. You got a problem, no matter how stupid it is, Kyo will do his damndest to help you out. That’s just who he is especially when it comes to those he loves. 

Kakeru: 

*Kakeru’s mental health theory is that he has ADHD just like Momiji combined with dyslexia so he sometimes has a hard time reading things and needs help understanding what exactly he’s looking at for homework. 

*Him and Kimi always start prank wars that could go on FOREVER. If nobody stops them they can just go at each other for days. Eventually either Yuki or Machi will get too exhausted of their antics and force them to stop. These prank wars usually happen about once a month on the second week. They all fear this time of the month and whenever it happens it usually lasts for about three days. 

*Definite anime lover this boi!! He grew up watching the classics and it’s just something that stuck with him. 

*Before he became chaotic Kakeru TM he always hid this part of his personality but now that he’s older he is very open about his love for anime. 

*He wasn’t close to Machi until after she was kicked out of the family house. Before then he was almost indifferent towards her existence but when that happened he realized that he wanted to make her feel better whether she wanted it or not. 

*He is the best cuddler fight me on this. I feel like once you got him calmed down he would always be down for cuddling his S\O. 

*This one is pretty common amongst the fandom judging by how many people ship him with Yuki but I think that he’s not bisexual he’s pansexual he just loves people!! 

Hatori: 

*I don’t have a mental health HC for Hatori really other than PTSD (which let’s face it almost all of this cast of characters has.) 

*Before he met Kana he knew next to nothing about popular culture. His music taste was stuck in the 50′s and to her that was an absolute travesty!! Who hadn’t heard of Queen, Elton John or David Bowie?! She made it her goal to get him into modern things so that he could understand her. At the time he didn’t really understand a lot of the things that she liked. However, once she left him he learned to appreciate modern music and film. 

*Something that I really love about Hatori is the thought that he would be a fan of musical theater. It’s something that not a whole lot of people know mainly Shigure and Ayame and Aya always gets him tickets when a show he likes comes to town. 

*He can’t cook to save his life!! Literally the type of person that would somehow burn water and he doesn’t have the time to cook everyday but usually Momiji will bring him food that he makes. 

*Definitely a romantic at heart no matter how much the idea of love has hurt him in the past. He loves making Mayu happy at random intervals. From buying her random bouquets of flowers to planning things on a larger scale he just loves making her happy. 

*As a parent he’s the type to definitely be overprotective especially when they aren’t feeling well. His kid fainted at school? He’s already there trying to find out what went wrong and keep them at home with him for a few days until they get Dr. Tori’s clean bill of health. 

*As much as he bitches and moans about Ayame and Shigure’s annoying tendencies he couldn’t ask for two better best friends. \

Hatsuharu: 

*Mental health HC is that he’s bipolar thanks to the other dark personality even though most of the time he’s white it’s something that after everything happens Hatori insists he gets an official diagnosis of. 

*He loves grunge rock. The first time he discovered Nirvana Kurt Cobain became his instant hero. Not a way to live his life but someone that he was inspired by. His second favorite band is All Time Low (I’ve never heard any of their stuff this one is for my best friend who is an absolute Haru-stan) 

*He got his tattoo as his own way of rebelling against his family order. I think that his parents (we only really ever hear of his mom) being strict on him. That’s where the multiple piercings came from as well. Whenever he would hit a low point before middle school he would get a new one. 

*He is actually a really good cook and entirely capable of taking care of himself since his parents are often too busy for him. 

*He got into gaming by accidentally seeing Shigure playing a dating sim (Fight me on this one I dare you say that Shigure the pervy bastard doesn’t play these things) 

*He is definitely the romantic type as we see him bringing Rin flowers to cheer her up. He might be a little bit stiff at first and awkward but once he gets used to the person you bet your ass he’ll just cling to you as we see with Yuki much to his everlasting annoyance. 

*He’s an amazing artist!! He loves to draw just about anything that he can get his hands on. It’s something that he does now when he hits a low point instead of wrecking things he learned the proper way of coping with his problems. 

Whew!! Sorry about the length on this guy but I really wanted to do this while waiting for the dub to catch up. I will make more if people want more of them!! 

#headcanon #Fruits Basket

[purpledinosaur1988]

Ever been in one of those situations where you put your trust in the wrong person. Yeah me to. I used to be "friends" with this female who turned out to be TOXIC! She caused so many problems in my life to a point where she would use me to lie for her, watch her brat of a child. When I met my husband back in 2014, the toxic female would try her best to break me and him up. It was early days in our relationship and she would always expect me to drop everything including date night plans to help her out of sticky situations. After seeing the effects of how miserable I was being made to feel, my husband eventually got me to walk away from the toxic female and finally be happy. I felt so much better without being associated with her. We never spoke again, would avoid each other in public etc. Fast for to a few months ago, I was waiting on a bus to work, she approached me trying to use my child as a pawn to win back "friendship" by telling me that my son's nan had passed away, saying I was to unblock her as she missed me. Obviously I didn't unblock her from my socials and the next time I saw my son I asked his uncle how his mum (my son's nan) was and that I hadn't seen her in awhile, he answered saying she is still struggling with the whole pandemic but is much better than before. That cleared that up. The toxic female told me a malicious lie. I mean has she no better things to be getting on with than trying to get me to fall for her BS 🐂💩 again.

My life has improved massively over the years I have been with my husband, we met in 2014, engaged in 2015 & married in 2016. I don't have a big circle of friends and I am okay with that as I would rather surround myself with those who are positive influences to me. Those friends hold a special place in my heart ♥️ I have my 2 best friends who I have been friends with since high school so they are more like Sisters to me.

If anyone feels there are red flags in your life with certain people. Please don't ignore them as you deserve to be happy.

Signs to look out for

1. You feel on-edge around this person, but you still want them to like you. You find yourself writing off most of their questionable behavior as accidental or insensitive, because you’re in constant competition with others for their attention and praise. They don’t seem to care when you leave their side—they can just as easily move on to the next source of energy.

2. They withhold attention and undermine your self-esteem. After first hooking you with praise and flattery, they suddenly become reclusive and uninterested. They make you feel desperate & needy, ensuring that you are always the one to initiate contact or physical intimacy.

3. Plasters your Facebook page with compliments, flattery, songs, and poems. They text you dozens, if not hundreds of times per day. You come to rely on this over-communication as a source of confidence.

4. Quickly declares you their soul mate. And for some reason, you don’t find it creepy. They tell you how much they have in common with you. On the first few dates, you do most of the talking and they just can’t believe how perfect you are for them.

5. Compares you to everyone else in their life. Ex-lovers, friends, family members, and your eventual replacement. When idealizing, they make you feel special by telling you how much better you are than these people. When devaluing, they use these comparisons to hurt you.

6. Lies and excuses. There is always an excuse for everything, even things that don’t require excusing. They make up lies faster than you can question them. They will always blame others—it is never their fault. They spend more time rationalizing their behavior than improving it.

7. No startle response. Total absence of anxiety, fear, and worry where there otherwise should be. They are also very easily bored by the familiar. You write this off as calm and cool, often feeling inferior and over-sensitive because you have normal human emotions.

8. Insults you with a condescending, joking sort of attitude. Smirks when you try to express yourself. Teasing becomes the primary mode of communication in your relationship. They subtly belittle your intelligence and achievements. If you point this out, they call you hypersensitive and crazy.

9. Uses social networking to provoke jealousy and rivalries while maintaining their cover of innocence. They once focused all of their attention on you, but now they post ambiguous videos and statuses to make you doubt your place in their heart. They bait previously denounced exes with old songs and inside jokes. They attend to new activity and ignores yours.

10. You find yourself playing detective. It is never happened in any other relationship, but suddenly you are scrolling back years on their Facebook page and albums. Same with their ex. You are seeking answers to a feeling you cannot quite explain.

11. Surrounds themselves with former lovers and potential mates. Brags that their exes still want to sleep with him/her, but assures you there is nothing to worry about. These people make you feel jealous and give off the perception that your partner is in high-demand.

12. Hyperbolizes emotions while displaying none of them. They make passionate statements like “I have never felt so happy in my life” in a completely robotic voice. It sounds like an alien trying to explain how they imagine human emotions might feel.

13. You are the only one who sees their true colors. Others will think they’re the nicest person in the world, even though they are used for money, resources, and attention. They will not care because he/she strategically distracts them with shallow praise (often done over social networking). Psychopaths are able to maintain superficial friendships far longer than their relationships.

14. Accuses you of emotions that they are intentionally provoking. They will call you jealous after blatantly flirting with their ex over social networking for the world to see. They will call you needy after intentionally ignoring you for three days straight.

15. Cannot put themselves in your shoes, or anyone else’s for that matter. You find yourself desperately trying to explain how they might feel if you were treating them this way, and they just stare at you blankly.

16. You are engaged in constant conversations about their ex. You know them by name, and you know everything about their relationship—at least, your partner’s version of events. The ex becomes one of the most frequent topics of discussion in your relationship.

17. You find yourself explaining the basic elements of human respect to a full-grown man/woman. Normal people understand the fundamental concepts of honesty and kindness. No adult should need to be told how they are making other people feel.

18. Focuses on your mistakes and ignores their own. If they’re two hours late, do not forget that you were once five minutes late to your first date. If you point out their mistakes, they will always be quick to turn the conversation back on you.

19. Suddenly and completely bored by you. Gives you the silent treatment and becomes very annoyed that you seem to be interested in continuing the passionate relationship that they created. You are now a chore to them.

20. The ultimate hypocrite. They have extremely high expectations for fidelity, respect, and adoration. After the idealization phase, they will give none of this back to you. They will cheat, lie, insult, and degrade. But you are expected to remain perfect.

21. Sometimes it seems as though they’ve forgotten who they’re supposed to be around you. They adopt different personas for different people—transforming their entire personality to match various audiences. It is always very eerie when they slip and accidentally use the wrong mask for you. You will start to feel that their personality just does not seem to add up.

22. An unusual amount of “crazy” people in their past. Any ex-partner or friend who did not come crawling back to them will likely be labeled jealous, bipolar, an alcoholic, or some other nasty smear. They will speak about you the same way to their next target.

23. Flatters your deepest insecurities. If you are self-conscious about your looks, they will call you the sexiest person in the world. If you have got a need to entertain, they will say you’re the funniest person they have ever known. They will also mirror your greatest fantasies, playing whatever role is necessary to win your heart.

24. Frequently comments about what you are wearing and how you look. They try to arrange you. You become obsessed with your appearance, noticing flaws that likely don’t even exist. During and after the relationship, you will spend significantly more time in front of the mirror.

25. You fear that any fight could be your last. Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but psychopaths make it clear that negative conversations will jeopardize the relationship, especially ones regarding their behavior. You apologize and forgive quickly, otherwise you know they’ll lose interest in you.

26. Obsessed with humiliating successful, kind, and cheerful people. Delighted by the idea of breaking up friendships and marriages. If you work hard to maintain interpersonal peace in your life, they will make it their mission to uproot all of it.

27. Gaslighting. Blatantly denies their own manipulative behavior and ignores evidence when confronted with it. They will become angry if you attempt to disprove their delusions with facts.

28. They expect you to read their mind. If they stop communicating with you for several days, it’s your fault for not knowing about the plans they never told you about. There will always be a self-victimizing excuse to go along with this.

29. Selfishness and a crippling thirst for attention. They drain the energy from you and consume your entire life. Their demand for adoration is insatiable. You thought you were the only one who could make them happy, but now you feel that anyone with a beating pulse could fit the role. However, the truth is: no one can fill the void of a psychopath’s soul.

30. Your feelings. After a run-in with a psychopath, you will feel insane, exhausted, drained, shocked, suicidal, and empty. You will tear apart your entire life—spending money, ending friendships, and searching for some sort of reason behind it all.

We can find that normal and loving people do not raise any of these flags. After a negative encounter, most survivors face the struggle of hypervigilance: who can really be trusted? Our gauge will swing back and forth for a while, like a volatile pendulum. We all wonder if we have gone absolutely mad for wanting to believe the best in an old friend or a new date, but also feeling sick to the stomach when actually spending time with them.

It is important to develop our intuition, but that is a personal process. The world is mostly full of good people, and we suffer a double punishment if we miss them due to the fear of being hurt again.

People need to set aside some time to get in touch with their feelings, and become comfortable with a balance of awareness and trust. The reflection offers understanding about our emotions. It helps provide understanding for which old relationships need to be refreshed, and which toxic patterns need to be abandoned and replaced by healthier ones.

Society conditions us to ask “does this person like me” instead of exercising critical thinking and asking “do I like this person?”

#toxic people #toxic frienship #manipulative #red flags #don't ignore this #alerts #trust your instincts

[burnmarilyne]

✗✗✗ you see [ marilyne green ] around lately? yeah i heard that the [ cis female ] is up to no good. [ she ] has been here for [ two years ] now but they’re still pretty [ misleading ] which is fine because they’re also [ influential ] so it balances out. the [ thirty-nine ] year old [ real estate agent ] actually looks like a lot like [ marion cotillard ], don’t you think? it’s best to watch out, though, because it’s been said that they’re really into [ pyrophilia & being right ].

bullet introduction (tw: mental health issues, tw: delusions, tw: mental abuse, tw: murder, tw: arson, tw: weapons, tw: cancer mentions)

Marilyne’s Mom was a failed poet, raising her in the big bad world of New York City. She did anything and everything to keep them in the city, to pay the rent, to put food on the table. She kept them there, completely certain in the fact that her break was coming. Next poem, next event, next publisher, next year. Then she became ill when Marilyne was thirteen. Brain cancer. As her brain started shutting down, she started forgetting Marilyne, when she would come home from school, she would be asked who she was, why she was here. Occasionally, her Mom would think she was a real intruder, come to take her away. She would hit her, kick her out, and Mar would have to walk the streets for a while and then come back and try again. 

Where was her Father? Dead. Murdered when she was Six. The reason? Unclear, but her Mother told her that he was taken out, by the government, because he was too smart. He was a Wall Street broker, and the actual story was that he got into some gang shit and when he tried to get out, they didn’t let him. But, that reality would shatter her Mom, so... She made a new one for her and Marilyne.

When she was fifteen, her Mother passed away. She was taken and placed into foster care. She went from home to home, no family really able to get her because it was much easier to act out, to become a deliquent, to detatch from her reality and make herself up an entirely new one, like her Mom used to do. Oh, and she began to get this afflication for fire after watching her Mother get cremated.

She barely finished school, and that wasn’t because she wasn’t smart. Oh no, Marilyne Green is extremely, dangerously clever. But, not in the traditional textbook and exam way. She lost herself in her Mom’s old poems a lot, and in stories, and all kinds of media that just took her away in her mind. 

What did she do on graduating? What was her senior prank? Well, she set fire to the school. She was arrested, charged, and then sectioned. There were so many diagnosis’ thrown at her, schizophenia, bipolar, personality disorders, manic depression, ptsd, blah blah blah, she didn’t care she was just fascinated at everyone else in the psych ward. 

She began learning about people. About what made them tick. About how to manipulate them and change them and what made people do what they did. Was it random? Was it planned? 

The trouble was, she realised that her test pool was a bit... narrow. All of these people were interesting, but they were like her weren’t they? ‘Sick’. Not that Marilyne ever really believed she belonged in a hospital, there was nothing wrong with her. The problem lied in the world, in that nothing really mattered. Not in the long term. They were all like... Little simulations, no lasting cause... Stories to be played out. 

So, she got herself out. She played the game. She wrote the story. She was discharged at twenty six years of age having served her four years in secure hospital for arson, and then another three years of ‘therapy’. But, the only thing she gained from that place was an insanely talented giftset of manipulation, misleading behaviour, and storytelling.

She was put in supported housing, given a chance and a job as a waitress at a local diner. She lived that story for a while, but it just wasn’t good enough to see the same boring people every day so she wondered what she could do to really use her skills. Sales. Sales were just the art of manipulation, right? And what was a bigger sale than a house? What was a better story than someone, or a couple, or a family buying a house?

Buisness was slow for the first year, but by the time she was thirty she was always busy, but never really satisfied. There was just something missing in her own story, wasn’t there? A love of her own. A romance arc of her own. So, she began to look for a muse... That was when she met Hadley Hopewell. Oh, what a plot twist she was.

Stalking was always a bit of a strong word for Mar, but, well... That is what happened. Then, eventually, they fell into this toxic dance with each other. Both of them as darkly fucked up as the other. Until, one day, Mar found a SOLD in the restaurant, and no one home in her apartment. Oh, boy did she spiral. That restaurant was quite quickly picked up by another aspiring Chef but in a tragic accident burned down a week after he brought it.

Marilyne then became her own fucking private investigator, and tracked every last bit of evidence she could find and manipulate out of people until she found where Hadley had moved to. It took the better part of year, but as soon as she found her in Santa Ysabel, she packed up and moved herself and her business across the country to California. That was two years ago now.

Mar loves it in Santa Ysabel... Everyone here is so fascinating....

She makes up stories for pretty much everyone she meets, everyone she sells a house to. There have been times when people stray away from her planned story for them, and... Well, she doesn’t take all that kindly to it. She may have, accidentally killed a few people who dropped out of housing contracts the last minute and ruined her stories for them... 

She’s extremely delusional in the sense that she really doesn’t believe anything is really real. Everything is just stories, and simulations, and nothing really matters other than the next plot. 

Will ask your muse about their childhood, about their life, about anything and everything they will tell her. Very curious.

Always has a notebook. Always writing in it.  Will probably stalk the people she finds the most interesting. Heavily invested in romance and people’s relationships. Generally a crazy daisy and has lots of scope for angst and pain and dark plots so come for me. Want someone to blow something up? She’ll do it. Want someone dead? She’ll probably do it. 

Fascinated by Mercy and Wynter, endocrinated herself in the mercinary life because wow what a story these people have. 

Has an extensive collection of lighters and lighter fluids. 

#indulgence.intro #intro #about #musing

[mimzy-writing-online]

Writing Clumsy Characters

This post includes tips on properly using clumsy characters as comic relief or as tension inducers, how to avoid clumsy character tropes, why people are clumsy and how the causes of that clumsiness might make them act, and includes tips on characters with ADHD, autism, and disabilities.

How To Write Clumsy Characters 

Do Not: substitute a genuine character flaw with clumsiness. Clumsiness is not a character flaw, it is not something that is wrong with a person or needs to be improved through honest character development. You cannot use clumsiness to cop out of giving your characters real human flaws. Emphasis on human flaws, because flawless characters are just the cardboard cut-outs of people, they’re there but are they really interesting.

Try Not: to make your character feel ashamed of being clumsy. It feels terrible to see clumsiness being shamed as something bad or embarrassing. People who are clumsy themselves will want to see clumsy characters treated nicely. So make your clumsy characters embrace their clumsiness and don’t let all your other characters bully them for it, but rather love them all the more for it.

What kind of characters should you attach the trait of clumsiness to?

Literally anyone. Boys, girls, main characters, secondary characters, background characters, villains, villain’s helpers, children, teens, adults, old people.

Clumsiness has many causes, many of them biological and non person specific, so literally anyone could be clumsy.

What causes clumsiness/People are clumsy in their own way

There are a lot of biological reasons for clumsiness and they all cause people to be clumsy in different ways.

People with poor situational awareness are not good at remembering everything in their environment and will often knock over things in their immediate area because they didn’t know or forgot something was there.

People with poor hand-eye coordination will not be good at catching things and will probably freak out when things are thrown at them because past experience has taught them that they are bad at catching things. They might even be bad at sports because of this.

People with inner ear imbalances will be unsteady on their feet, they may sway or knock into people. These are “tripping on air” type of people. They’re probably not great at sports either.

Children or teens who have had recent growth spurts and aren’t use to their new height, limb length, and strength. It takes a while to get used to a changed body. So maybe they’ll trip over their long legs or knock their head into something they use to be short enough not to worry about, like a low hanging door or banner or hanging house plant. This can (and probably should) apply to characters who had some massive body change, whether through science or magic. (Steve Rogers grew a foot in two minutes, and I know he’s a super soldier, but realistically he should have had a month or two where he wasn’t use to his new height and strength)

People with degenerative disorders that cause tremors will probably spill drinks or have trouble writing or have trouble doing small motor skill tasks. This is definitely something you should tread carefully with, and definitely do not make any other characters mock them for this. Chronic health issues, disabilities, and degenerative disorders are hard enough to live with without your family members and friends treating you like shit.

There are lots of reasons to be clumsy and it will make people act clumsy in their own manner.

If you want to use your characters clumsiness as some form of comic relief, here is how I recommend doing it

If you’re having a light-hearted moment between characters where friends and family are gathered round and joking and relaxed, it’s good to maybe have your clumsy character knock something over. Think a stack of papers or maybe spilling their drink or knocking into someone. Go back to what I said about a character not being shamed for being clumsy. This should be something your characters are used to. Your clumsy character laughs it off and their loved ones tease them lovingly about it but nobody is EVER made to feel bad about being clumsy.

In tense moments where a serious conversation is happening or someone is sneaking around trying not to get caught It’s fine to have your characters knock something over in this moment or to cause a little accidental and inconvenient mayhem. You can use it to increase tension because your character is afraid their tripping may lead to them getting caught. It may cause the serious, life or death, conversation to be halted for a moment as the conversationalists look at the character who knocked over a stack of books or broke a vase.

Your clumsy character is secretly dangerous and has some special fighting ability but outside of that special fighting ability they are a clumsy idiot. This particular example comes to mind because I’ve been rewatching Merlin, in which Merlin is a powerful wizard who must keep his magic a secret. He comes across as a clumsy idiot to all who know him but don’t know about his magic. In a way the clumsiness seems to hide just how dangerous Merlin actually is, and how lethal he can be (you don’t realize it at first, but Merlin kills quite a few people with his magic as the show goes on) I am of the belief that Merlin is still genuinely clumsy but maybe enhances it to appear especially harmless. Feel free to make your character dangerous and an excellent fighter of some kind, but clumsy outside of fighting. Or maybe they’re just pretending to be clumsy to seem harmless (but if we’re being honest here, it’s more fun if they’re genuinely clumsy anyway)

Clumsiness can be used to create inconvenient moments (a character getting caught or breaking something) but it can also be used to create convenient moments (they accidentally uncovered a clue or distracted someone who would have stopped the protagonist). These are great ways to include clumsiness into a character’s daily life, but there should be balance that for as many moments as clumsiness is convenient it is also inconvenient (and vice versa)

Disclaimer: the show Merlin refers to the character Merlin as a w*rlock but I’ve heard that word is offensive to some people of pagen or magic beliefs and out of respect to them I try to avoid using that word whenever possible. I usually stick to witch in my writing, since that is gender neutral.

Tired Tropes of Clumsy Characters

The clumsy female protagonist being saved from falling on her butt by the male love interest who catches her at just the right moment, usually with his arm around her waist or something. It’s very overdone in YA and because it’s over done it is now considered a no-no. It’s also not particularly realistic that someone would catch them at just the right moment unless they were super fast and had quick reflexes (in which case I guess it’s possible in Twilight, which is super guilty of it, but we’re not rewriting Twilight).

If you want, you can subvert this trope.

Step One: Alter the Gender Factor: maybe it’s not a clumsy girl protagonist and a fast, strong guy love interest. Maybe the guy is clumsy and not the girl. Maybe they’re both clumsy.  Maybe it’s just very gay with two guys, or two girls, or any mixture of gender identities from trans to non-binary to cis people. (I am a very clumsy non-binary person, and I’m very pan, it’s possible your character can be too)

Maybe the love interest does not catch your protagonist, but is very sweet and comforting when your character falls. Maybe the love interest is the clumsy one and the protagonist wants to help them when they fall. Maybe one does try to catch the other and they both fall. 

Maybe it’s not the love interest at all that comforts or tries to help the protagonist. Maybe it’s their best friend or their put upon sibling or a parent who lovingly teases them or a teacher who’s just being helpful because they just happened to be there.

Get creative with your circumstances.

Clumsiness in people who are not neuro-typical

In some cases, people who are not neuro-typical and have ADHD or are autistic might be clumsy. I’m not an expert on why that is, but I know it’s a common sign and I experience this myself and see this in friends. People with ADHD or who are autistic sometimes move in unique ways. They sway, balance on tip toes or on their heels, walk with their arms waving around. This is usually because that particular type of movement is enjoyable for them (stimming). There’s something calming or soothing about that type of movement. (or at least there is for me, I have ADHD). Because of this, their unique way of moving might appear to be clumsiness. But they are sometimes genuinely clumsy because they are not neuro-typical and maybe they lack the spacial or situational awareness or have poor eye hand coordination, which makes them clumsy.

Tread carefully here. This is not something you should turn into comic relief. Autistic people and people with ADHD are not here for your characters and readers to laugh at, they’re here to be people who are loved and respected just as much as able bodied and neuro typical people.

Disclaimer: this is not a guide for writing an autistic character or a character with ADHD. If you want to write a character like that, be my guest but please do your research. The best research you’ll ever get on writing a character with a specific condition is by reading stories from people who live with that specific condition themselves. There are lots of blogs run by people who live with ADHD, anxiety, depression, bipolar, and other mental disorders. There are lots of blogs run by people who are autistic. Read their stories and their experiences and always value their experiences over what articles written by neuro-typical and able bodied writers tell you. Those neuro-typical and able bodied people can’t tell you anything of value compared to someone who experiences what you’re writing about.

People with mental health disorders are not Web MD symptom lists.

People who are autistic are not Web MD symptom lists.

They’re people.

Clumsiness in people with disabilities or chronic health problems.

I’m going to tell you to tread carefully here again.

People who live with mobility and sensory disabilities may be more prone to clumsiness. That may be because of their disability, but it may also be because they were clumsy before they had this disability. 

This writer is visually impaired and I can tell you that I was clumsy before vision loss and continue to be the same level of clumsy, my vision loss didn’t chance that much.

People with degenerative disorders will lose muscle strength and coordination over time. This may result in spilling drinks or bad hand writing or not being able to fully lift something and dropping it.

People who have leg/arm injuries, chronic pain, muscle weakness, or nerve damage might struggle with walking or lifting things and sometimes they might fall, trip, or drop something.

This is not comic relief. Your disabled characters should never be laughed at, not by the narrator, the other characters, you, or your readers. They are not here for your characters and readers to laugh at. They deserve to be loved and respected the same as any able bodied or neuro-typical character.

I think that’s all I have for you on writing clumsy characters. If you have more to add, please feel free to add. If any of you want to reblog with links to other posts on how to write characters with ADHD, autism, or disabilities, please do. I’m sure someone who stumbled across this post is looking for most posts about writing characters who aren’t neuro-typical or able bodied. 

Follow this blog for more writing advice.

#writing advice #writing #writing tips #writeblr #my advice #mine

[mybipolar-coaster]

An Introduction

I would like to say it was an easy decision to write down my experiences thus far in life but that would be a lie. I don’t really consider myself an interesting person. As a matter of fact, I consider myself rather boring. I like boring things like history and science. I studied statistics in university. I’ve led what I would consider an amazingly average life. That is, until late last year when I was diagnosed with Bipolar Affective Disorder, or as those in the states would call it, Bipolar I. Since then, so many things in my life have clicked into place. Things that had always seemed unusual now had a reason behind them, a cause. I had something I could point to and say, “that’s why”. Since being diagnosed I have found an entire community online of people both living with the disorder and coping with the fallout of it. I have also had my own share of trials and ordeals to deal with since my diagnosis, but that’s getting ahead of myself a bit. First, let me explain what it was that finally made me commit to writing this blog. I am currently waiting for the right opportunity to ask the girl I have been dating for the past 10 years to marry me. I have the ring. I know the when, I know the where. The how is still slightly eluding me but I think a small amount of improvisation on that front won’t hurt. This is what made me want to write this blog. I wanted to detail my feelings leading up to asking the question. I hope to portray the excitement and nerves leading up to the moment of truth so that afterwards I can get my (hopefully) fiancée to read back and see how much thought, work and planning went into this and how much I love her. But then I thought, “hey, why stop there”? I could keep the blog going afterwards, talk about ordinary, every-day things. Perhaps even give people an insight into how I live with my condition and how it affects those around me. I have always been a creative person and I enjoy writing, so maybe this could be a new hobby for me. I certainly hope so. So, this will be the first post in a hopefully ongoing series of blog posts. However, in the off chance that my girlfriend does happen to stumble upon this blog, I will be operating under strict anonymity for the time being. I won’t say my name, or the name of anyone that could be used to identify me in these blogs, at least until after I’ve popped the question, but everything else within will be true. I think an ideal first post then, would be for me to give a quick recap of my life so far, and give you the reader an introduction to my life and how my messed-up brain works. I hope you enjoy!

I was born in the UK in the early 90’s (trying to be vague) into a working-class family. My dad worked as an electrician in a dog-food factory and my mum volunteered as a cook in a nursing home. My parents were quite old when they had me, so there is a large age gap between me and the rest of my family. In fact, when I was born both of my older brothers were teenagers. My mum says that one of my brothers refused to talk to her or my dad for a year after they told him they were pregnant because he was so disgusted that they were still having sex “at their age”. Having an older family definitely has its advantages though. When I was young, all my siblings had jobs, so I got four times the amount of presents that most other kids got. I should point out that I also have a sister, who is the closest in age to me. Growing up, me and my sister got on like oil and water. I’m surprised my mum managed to survive through my early years – in the same year my sister turned sixteen I was going through my “terrible twos”. I have always been a mummy’s boy. Even now that I’m in my 20’s, I get on great with my mum and have a good relationship with her. I bring up my mum because she was my first ever contact with mental illnesses. My mum had panic attacks and generalised anxiety when I was younger. I have multiple memories of us being somewhere and my mum suddenly bursting into floods of tears, sometimes running away, and my dad having to track her down and console her. It was an incredibly scary experience as a child but, to my mum’s credit, she did a great job of explaining things as she calmed down. She would tell me it wasn’t anyone’s fault, that it was something that was medically wrong with her like being sick and that I shouldn’t blame myself for her attacks. Her explanations were pivotal in my understanding of mental illnesses and my dad’s behaviour during these attacks served as an example to me for the rest of my life on how to deal with a crisis situation.

Even far back in my childhood, symptoms of my bipolar were there. It was subtle, but there were things about me that made me different from other kids. I could be morose or have fits of worry every now and then. I would worry about dying, or someone in my family being hurt. I was very young when I realised that, because there was such a big age gap between me and the rest of my family, I was most likely going to have to watch my whole family die. I’d have to attend their funerals, possibly give speeches, and then I’d be left alone at the end. This terrified me as a child and even now it still serves as a strange sort of morbid obsession during my low days. For instance, I have the speech I will give at my father’s funeral memorised and have done for quite some time. My dad isn’t even ill and shows no signs of kicking the bucket anytime soon, but it plays in my head so often that I’ll be prepared for when that day comes. In fact, I’ll be prepared in more ways than one. Ever since I was a child, I have been experiencing a symptom of bipolar affective disorder that I didn’t even realise was unusual until I was diagnosed. I spent my entire life thinking everyone got this at certain points in their lives and it was only after a conversation with my girlfriend where she pointed out that this wasn’t normal that I went to a psychiatrist and got diagnosed. This symptom is called Disassociation. Disassociation can happen multiple ways, but it always affects me the same way. During moments of crisis, moments of importance or sometimes when I feel I am in a place of some significance, I feel as if I leave my body and allow another entity to control it. That sounds far more sinister than what it actually feels like so let me try and explain it as best I can. Most people experience going on autopilot, where their mind switches off and they continue to do some monotonous or repetitive task. My Disassociation feels a bit like that. The entity that takes over my body is my autopilot. He will do what I would want to do anyway. He doesn’t have his own needs or wants. He just does. I, on the other hand, leave my body. I picture it like that episode of Tom & Jerry where Tom accidentally kills himself with a falling piano while chasing Jerry. His soul leaves his body and rises up to cat heaven only to not be allowed in because he’s been so mean to Jerry. Well my “soul” (I don’t believe in a soul so the more fitting term here would probably be id) leaves me in the same way and floats, just above and behind me, and observes. I feel like I am acting like a documentarian in these moments. Like a wildlife cameraman observing the animal he has been tracking for years being eaten by a predator – I am totally detached. I’m there to watch, not to influence. Sometimes I think maybe I’m me in the future, remembering this event and not actually the present me at all. Does this make sense? It’s a very strange sensation and, from what I gather, kind of unique to me so I really struggle to explain it to other people. My girlfriend thinks she can sometimes tell when I’m disassociating though. She says I become wide-eyed and emotionless, talking in a monotone. This might be true, but she has only been able to correctly identify when I’m disassociating twice in the entire time I’ve known her so it might just be they were particularly noticeable incidents.

Of course, the other big symptom of Bipolar Affective Disorder is the mood cycles. When I was younger, my cycles were generally rather enjoyable but as I have gotten older, they have gotten less enjoyable and more something to be monitored and observed. Before I go any further into how my cycle affects me, I feel I should spend a bit of time explaining the cycle as a lot of people don’t really get the Bipolar cycle and there is a lot of misinformation in the media. To put it in the simplest terms, lets imagine a scale from 0 to 10. Now if you are a neurotypical, normal person, I want you to imagine the happiest you have ever been. Then I want you to imagine the saddest you’ve ever been. Now if I was to say to you that 0 is the worst and 10 is the best, where would you put those memories? Probably 0 and 10, right? Well, in terms of measuring bipolar moods, we tend to use the 0 to 10 scale as well but ours is a bit different. When you get down to 0, there should be extreme hopelessness. Either you haven’t moved for extended periods, haven’t eaten and most likely have self-harmed, tried to commit suicide or have at least given it serious thought. Now your 0 may hit a lot of those same notes. You may have considered killing yourself after the death of a close loved one or a life event that hit you particularly hard. Once again, I want you to think back to that worst moment in your life. Now what if I said you’d feel that way every few months. You feel like that, not because something has happened or because you lost something but because it’s September. It’s just that time again. Now let’s go to the other side of the spectrum. This one is a little trickier because it involves more than just emotion, it involves energy levels and sanity levels. This is an important thing to bear in mind with bipolar. If you’re a normal person, your 10 is the happiest you’ve ever been in your life. If you’re bipolar, you’re 10 is the furthest from reality you’ve ever been in your life. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes mania can feel great but sometimes it can feel like hell. A 10 on the bipolar scale can involve hallucinations, delusions of grandeur, an insane amount of energy that absolutely must be excised, a manic state and way of speaking and a lack of need to sleep. Seriously, while manic I can sleep for as little as 2 hours in a 48-hour period and feel absolutely fine. The only upside to a manic state is that it can sometimes feel really good and all that energy helps you get through a lot of work if you can keep focused. You also tend to get a burst of creativity while manic which can help with business projects, artistic creations or even writing the first post for a new blog!

I think I’ll leave it here for my first blog post, I’ve explained a little about myself and why I wanted to start this blog, but mostly rambled in my scatter-brained way about my bipolar disorder. I think I’ve put enough words down for today and I’ll pick up on this tomorrow. I promise I will get into more of the general diary keeping and talking about the proposal, but I feel it is important to get this bipolar stuff explained first so that you know what lens I look at the world through before I start telling you what I can see. And if you’re reading this, I love you Gorgeous!

-B

#bipolar #bipolaraffectivedisorder #bipolardisorder #proposal #marriage #blog #firstpostever #personal #bipolar affective disorder

[agnes-knits-blog]

Things I wish I had known about fibromyalgia, and how to live with it

To put this into context, I was diagnosed about 10 or 11 years ago now, and it was a diagnosis reached by excluding other things that could be causing my symptoms. I had X-rays and MRI scans, I had something very unpleasant called electro-conductivity testing to rule out multiple sclerosis, and then I was told that I have fibromyalgia, have this leaflet, please close the door after you. I was basically forced to deal with it myself for a long time, and I’ve learnt quite a lot about how to manage myself. I hope what I learnt can help you.

What is fibromyalgia?

Fibromyalgia means “muscle and nervous pain”. Current research suggests that it is a dysfunction of the central nervous system (that is, the nerves that tell your brain what you’re feeling), so nerve signals are misinterpreted as pain.

Symptoms include, but are not limited to:

Widespread muscular and nervous pain, fatigue, headaches, cognitive dysfunction (problems concentrating, poor memory, slow or confused speech) extreme sensitivity of the skin, extreme sensitivity to pain (as in, you accidentally catch your finger on the cupboard door, it hurts really badly and it still hurts 2+ hours later), muscle stiffness after being still for a while, muscle spasms, poor sleep quality and waking up tired, dizziness and clumsiness, feeling too hot or too cold (because the body isn’t able to regulate it’s temperature) sensations like tingling, numbness, prickling or burning in hands and feet (and maybe other areas), anxiety and depression.

That’s a lot of symptoms, and chances are you don’t get all of them, and other people will be affected differently.

Stress

Stress makes fibro worse. It makes the pain worse, it makes everything harder to cope with. It’s not just me saying that, it is a scientific FACT. I know if I get upset, stressed  or angry, my pain INSTANTLY increases. I can’t watch horror films anymore, every time there’s a jump-scare I feel like I’m being showered with needles! So, it’s really important to try and keep your stress levels down. Find hobbies that help you relax. Choose to be calm and happy! It will really help!

Pain

How you think about your pain needs to change. It isn’t a matter of “powering through” and having to “man up”. If you have fibro, you have something which means your nerves are nearly always screaming at you that stuff hurts. LISTEN to your body when you exercise. If it tells you doing something hurts, slow down how you are doing it. Slow your movements down, focus on how you feel and go gently. If it burns or hurts more than you are prepared to deal with, leave it for the day. Get some rest, take some paracetamol and ibuprofen and relax! If the pain gets too much – as in, can’t eat because feel sick because pain, or can’t walk/do daily tasks anymore, go see your GP about pain relief. It took me 8+ years to find a doctor who took me seriously and understood the condition, and gave me the pain meds I need to function day to day.

My current meds are: 2 x cocodamol (30mg codeine/500mg paracetamol) x 4 times a day. 1 x 100 mg gabapentin twice a day. 1 x 100mg sertraline (anti-depressant) twice a day. 45mg mirtazapine at night. That’s a lot of anti-depressants because I also have Bipolar Disorder (used to be called manic depression). Gabapentin has been an absolute godsend for me! It’s really helped tone down the constant prickly/tingly sensations

Sleep

Sleep is incredibly important. When folks with fibro don’t get enough sleep, or don’t get enough deep sleep, everything hurts so much more. Fibro can disrupt your sleep cycle so you don’t go into the deep sleep your body needs - so SLEEP IS IMPORTANT! If you sleep well, you will be so much more able to deal with everyday pain. So try your best to get a good night’s sleep. Create a bedtime routine – go to bed at a decent time (around 11pm at the latest) after a warm bath or shower. Have some extra-soft pyjamas or loungewear to get into after coming out of the bath or shower. Have a hot (non-caffeinated) drink e.g. herbal tea, hot milk, Horlicks or Ovaltine. Don’t watch TV in bed! Do not spend too much time on tablets, phones etc past 9pm (blue light from screens will make you feel more awake, use a blue light filter if it’s built into your devices).

This may make you feel like an old fogey, but SLEEP IS IMPORTANT! Like, super duper important! And you need to do everything you can to make sure you sleep well. However, and this is the real kick in the teeth, sometimes you can do everything right and still wake up exhausted. If that happens, talk to your GP about medication to help you sleep. There are various anti-depressants that are commonly used for this, like amitriptyline (which I used to take, and my sister takes now), and I am currently on mirtazapine to make me properly sleepy. There’s a happy side effect in that these drugs also help to lessen nervous pain.  

Fatigue

As you will have noticed by now, fatigue isn’t just feeling tired. It’s feeling exhausted, like you haven’t slept for a week, and you can barely do anything before you have to stop. On days like this, you only have a little energy, and you have to be careful how you spend it. Figure out what HAS to be done (e.g. need to do the laundry so you can have clean clothes tomorrow, dishes need to be done because you have nothing to eat off and you are hungry), and what can wait until you’re feeling better (e.g. vacuuming). You can’t do everything at once, so take it one task at a time slowly and at your own pace. Give yourself breaks if you need it. It’s important to cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to come back to it later. Be kind to yourself. Ask for help if you need it. No one wants to see you struggling with something, or in too much pain to cope.

Cognitive dysfunction (a.k.a. fibro-fog)

Some days, your head might feel like it’s been stuffed with hot cotton wool. You can’t think straight, and you can’t find the words to properly express yourself. You will probably forget things that are a change from your normal routine. People may ask you if you’re on any drugs! Unfortunately there’s no treatment for it, but you can find ways to deal with it.

Use a calendar or paper diary – writing things down may help you to remember them better. Make lists of important things WHEN YOU REMEMBER THEM – you can’t rely on yourself to remember them another time. You have to try and leave yourself reminders. Future you is forgetful, so present you has to plan for it! And if you forget something important, be prepared to apologise!

Food

I’m know it’s very tempting, when you’re in pain and tired, to just order some delicious food delivered to your door, but you’re gonna find it very hard to lose weight when you can’t do lots of cardio, so it’s best to eat healthy most of the time. Keep frozen chopped onion and garlic in the freezer, and tinned tomatoes and pasta in the cupboard, so you can knock up a good meal with minimal effort. Try to have a folding stool in the kitchen for you to perch on whilst cooking. Make it easy to eat well, and save the left-overs for lunches!

Exercising

You’ll probably find it very hard to keep exercising like you used to. Try to replace high impact exercise with something low impact like cycling (not spin class!) and rowing. Maybe try something like yoga or pilates (I know, it’s old lady stuff, but it’s still good for you!), low impact stretching and general core work will be good for you.

DON’T do exercise classes where you will get constantly yelled at to go harder. Don’t let other people set your pace! Let your body tell you how fast you can go!

In general, don’t let other people set your pace. Sometimes you will need to go more slowly, if you feel unsafe on your feet (as in, knees might give out and you might deck it, right in the middle of the street) consider getting a stick. It took me years to finally admit that I needed one, but it has seriously helped me. My sister went through the same thing a few months ago, and I told her: it isn’t you admitting defeat or failure, it’s you doing what you need to do to help yourself. Plus she now has something to trip people up with if she doesn’t like them!

And to anyone who says that fibro isn't real, or is all down to lifestyle factors, I say this: me, my sister and my aunt have all been diagnosed with fibro independent of each other. And I have reason to believe other members of my family might be showing symptoms too! There is clearly a big genetic component at play, so blaming people who can't exercise for being overweight is counter productive as fuck.

#fibromyalgia #fibrowarrior

[amatdestrui-blog]

i haven’t worked under 50 hours in like four weeks.

i pulled a 12 day stint with no days off that involved at least two 16-hour shifts.

i’m on my second cold in that time frame (children are the Germiest).

and have had appointments once or twice a week since.

oh and i start school back up in two days and have a fucking wedding to go to at the end of the month.

i still have to go to a goddamn sleep study 

and turn in a stack of paperwork to my school

...and double down on trying to get accommodations in class. bc i have a six page psych eval that says i'm severely depressed and anxious

.....and apparently codependent. like i have codependent personality disorder or some shit? but in a really weird way that’s mixed with some sort of traumatic hypervigilance thing that means i’m dependent but also really aggressive and sort of an asshole? i don’t know i wasn’t super clear on it.

(i also have schizoid and depressive personality traits but i could’ve told her that)

but said psych eval doesn't address my adhd and i have to have my OTHER doc write that shit out and good lord she’s the one who said i had to get the eval in the first place like????

OH. and that doctor wants to put me on an anticonvulsant for ptsd mood issues ... only that med allegedly only works for folks with comorbid bipolar and ptsd

i don’t have bipolar, so that’s not going to end well

assuming i don’t have the side effects that either make you have a goddamn seizure

or makes all your skin fall off???

(needless to say i’m gonna not take that med)

and... i mean... i don’t have classic ptsd symptoms (barring the hypervigilance and defensiveness) so i’m not sure what treating standard symptoms would do in the first place

since i don’t dream to have trauma nightmares and my flashback shit is emotional and i can’t even tell you when or what i’m flashing back too. it just presents as fight/flight/freeze or intense anxiety. sooo.

is it fucked up to wish i was actually beat to hell as a kid instead of mentally and emotionally flayed

not because it’s better or easier but because i could at least identify that what happened wasn’t okay. like there would be an obvious failure there.

as opposed to ‘hey the adults in my life literally did their best and their best wasn’t fucking enough’

because being angry with/hurt/traumatized by someone who genuinely did everything in their power to put me first and drag themselves out of abuse and depression and who loves the hell out of me, without a doubt, just fucking sucks

like i feel like it’d be easier if i had two shit parents instead of one shit parent and one parent who actually cared and was around to accidentally fuck me up in the first place

i don’t know i guess it’d just give me room to be self righteous about it

it’s probably really fucked up to wish that. good thing i’m apparently Real Fucked Up.

#everything under the cut isn't relevant i'm just posting into the void for the sake of therapy really #mental health cw #depression cw #ooc tag. #in other news i got off work less than an hour ago and have to go back to work in six hours #BUT #i'm going to try to write in the next couple days so i'll have done /something/ i want to do #instead of just wallowing some more

[alltheangstmygifttoyou]

Keep Them Around

A/N: I just realized that I haven’t been putting a summery on these and that’s probably part of the reason that no one is looking at them, so uh, sorry about that! This is the fourth part of the Learn To Be prequel series I’m posting. It is from Jason’s perspective this time around (boo’s all around) and goes back even further in time than the last one. There is one thing about this that could seem problematic and I’ve debated whether to keep it but I’ve decided that in the grand story it isn’t really that bad. A heads up though in case you want to avoid it is one of the antagonists of the story has a mental illness. In Learn to Be most of the main characters also suffer from one mental illness or another so when I write it I don’t see it as vilifying mental illness and it is not my intent but I can see how someone after reading this can jump to that conclusion since only two of the main characters are actually shown in the prequel. If anyone has any tips to I’d love to hear them!

Summery: Jason reminisces on he and Heather got together.

Word Count: 2265

TW: domestic violence, unhealthy relationship, domestic abuse, child abuse, child neglect, sexism

Jason sat at the dining table eating dinner with his wife and two kids. His wife had made grilled chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn for them all. She sat to his right, her blonde hair loose around her shoulders, leaning forward as she took a bite of potatoes off of her fork. To his left his nine year old son Jesse sat with wavy black hair, whose color matched his own, and a button up shirt. He was still cutting up his chicken into small squares. Across from Jason his daughter Jester sat chewing what must have been a piece of chicken and staring at her plate. Unlike anyone else at the table she had dyed her hair making it two colors, purple at the top which then faded to green on the bottom. No one had spoken a word this meal, all the others too wary after his bad mood this morning. Silence didn’t bother Jason though, so he didn’t speak either. Instead the moment was a perfect opportunity to reflect.

He had married his wife fourteen years ago. Back then she was just another college student he saw around campus. She was pretty though, with golden locks that went just past her shoulders and blue eyes that were oceans of their own. Jason knew he wanted to be married when he ran for a council position, since having a loving wife speak on your behalf helped gain people's trust. Yet, no one had caught his attention. Many women found him intimidating (another thing that having a wife would certainly help with) so he wasn’t often approached, except by the occasional prostitute. He didn’t take them up on their offers despite his body’s yearning, since no matter how much he paid them off there was still the chance they’d rat him out to get their five minutes of fame. But, this blond stayed in his sights for awhile. He started to notice that he was seeing her more often, until finally she approached him in a career math class.

“Would you like to be my partner for this assignment?” She stood next to where he sat, close enough that he’d barely have to move and his shoulder would hit her knee. She wore a plaid black and red knitted skirt that went to her mid-thigh. Her legs had been freshly shaved making them shine in the classroom lights. He took his time looking up to her face. She wore a plain white thin long sleeved sweater that fit snugly around her body showing off her flat stomach and heavy chest. Her face held a bright smile and red cheeks

“Alright,” he answered, she had managed to pique his curiosity. Her smile grew and she plopped down in the seat next to him causing her chest to bounce. He wondered if she was wearing a bra.

“It’s Jason right? I’m Heather.” She introduced herself and then they worked on the assignment. They exchanged phone numbers and emails and even after they finished and presented the assignment they stayed in contact. She sat next to him in class and started trying to catch lunch with him whenever possible. He learned a lot about her during those meetups. She studied medicine and business in the goal of being chief of medicine someday. Not only were her looks above average but her intelligence as well. Often he was annoyed when people texted him constantly but he didn’t mind as much with Heather. He took those feelings into account and decided that she would be his wife. Of course he didn’t say that right away, he did research on the best way to begin a relationship with someone and asked her out to dinner. He had many ideas on how to convince her to, as the internet put it “give him a chance”, but as it turned out she was more than eager to agree. Apparently it had been quite obvious to some of his other college mates he spoke to that she had been waiting for him to ask her out. It had made things go considerably smoother.

Heather had the special talent to make Jason feel good about actions he normally considered a bother. He liked buying her gifts, imagining her smile when she saw them. Remembering important dates for her didn’t feel like a chore. When they had their first time together it made the pleasure his hand provided feel like nothing. Never before had he imagined he’d do things just to please another but it just felt natural with her. Her happiness gave him immense satisfaction.

They were married before she finished her schooling, and she was ecstatic about helping him get onto the council. When they promised themselves to each other it wasn’t standard vows. There was no leaving this relationship except for death. No outside force would separate them, their relationship was above laws and morals. The only important lives were their own. Heather had not only agreed to these vows, but helped create them as well. She was just what he had dreamed of for a woman. There were plenty of times she got on his nerves, pushed him past his limit causing him to lash out, but she didn’t leave. Likewise she had broken too, gone as far to pull a gun on him during an argument. Their vows were unbreakable though, and they worked past that.

Eventually, after Heather was out of college and working at a major hospital, Jason noticed her mood swings were getting worse. It didn’t take much to set her off, be it her screaming at him for not rinsing his plate off thoroughly enough or sobbing because he told her dogs weren’t his favorite animal. Something was wrong. With her emotions completely off the handle Jason’s own were becoming more difficult to keep controlled, it felt like there were rats trapped inside him clawing at their cage instead of simply living inside. Yet, the more he lost control the worse she became, arguments devolved into physical violence on both sides for once. If he didn’t stop this it would ruin everything. Someone might call the police, or worse, Heather would break down in public. So, he sat her down and listed all of her symptoms at her without mentioning that the subject showing these symptoms were in fact herself. Heather wasn’t an expert on psychology but she knew more than him. She said the subject should see a professional and get tested for bipolar disorder. He brought a professional over the next day and made her talk to him. After a few months of experimentation Heather’s mood seemed stabilized, as long as she actually took her pills.

Jason’s eyes landed on his son Jesse, his nostalgia about his wife reminding him how this boy came to be. After the successful campaign and Jason was on the council life calmed as he waited and plotted on how to gain control of the council. While Jason was content with this lull Heather wanted more. Jason had longer work days and more trips keeping him from home. Heather moaned about how lonely she was. When they went shopping together she lingered by the toy sections. At restaurants Jason had to remind her not to stare at the families at other tables. She wasn’t subtle about what she wanted. Jason liked the idea of children, but only the idea. Good children would help him reach his goals, with more voices on his side and another plus to his character to the public. However good children weren’t a guarantee. A single child could ruin everything. Genes were unpredictable sometimes, mutations happened. If they had a child that turned out to be terrible they couldn’t just get rid of it the standard way.

Jason told all of this to Heather, but she remained fixated on the idea. The sighing wouldn’t stop, meals were being ordered instead of cooked, cartoons played on the television, and she never wanted to have any kind of sex. However the worst was the times he woke up to hear little sniffles next to him. He could feel her body’s suppressed shakes against him. When he tried to talk to her she��d tell him in a croaked voice that she was okay and tell him to go back to sleep. He wanted to help but she wouldn’t let him. They were both miserable, and it was his fault. He weighed the pros and cons again, and began researching ways to somehow make the child more likely to be good. As well as the most common accidental child deaths, for two opposite reasons. After a month of research, internal debate, and unrestful nights he made his decision.

“We can have three children at the most,” he announced while they ate Chinese. Heather had cried tears of joy and didn’t let him finish his sweet and sour chicken before dragging him up to the bedroom. He didn’t complain. Every night he was home Heather had a large diner prepared that she had clearly cooked herself, which they ate together before she dragged him away again. Until one day he came home only to be tackled in the doorway.

‘We’re having a baby!” Heather squealed, and while he wasn’t particularly excited about a baby, he loved her smile. He watched her design the nursery, took time off to go to the hospital with her, and was there for the birth. Everything had been fine until the birth. There was only supposed to be a baby girl born. Instead the first infant to come out clearly had a penis. Heather liked his blonde hair though so that wasn’t a complete disaster. No, the true disaster was when another baby came, this time a baby girl with black hair. Despite Heather’s initial excitement at the idea of a baby girl this baby had thin black hair and was heavier than the other. It made Heather instantly connect more to the little boy. Jason had let Heather choose the name for the baby originally, but since Jesse was a unisex name she gave it to the little boy. When it came to the little girl she looked to Jason. He hadn't been prepared so he said  the first name that came to mind. He named her Jester, and at that moment he realized that this was his child, not just Heather’s.

Jesse was given the original nursery, although, Heather completely redecorated it. She claimed she was so busy with redesigning Jesse’s room and watching both babies to do Jester’s room, leaving it to Jason. Jason put her crib in the middle of the room, a room with white carpet and white walls and a single window. There was no point in fully decorating it like his wife insisted with Jesse, when Jester grew up he’d let her choose what the room looked like. It had a mobile with the planets since they were just colorful circles, and eventually he added a nightlight so checks would go smoother.

Especially when Jesse was too young to walk or talk Jason was given very little influence on the little boy’s life. Heather rarely even let him hold the child. His wife’s focus on her son left Jester alone in her crib. Since his wife’s focus was always stuck on the baby Jason was left in their room, hearing the little girl cry through the monitor. Sometimes he’d go and cradle her until she quieted down, other times he’d tell Heather to feed her. He could not have a malnourished child.

When the two twins became toddlers things changed further. Jason had always believed in physical punishment. When little Jesse broke his vase he gave him a spank. And then Heather grabbed Jason by the hair and threw him to the floor.

“Never touch my son like that again!” She roared before swooping Jesse up and skittering off to the playroom. Jason counted backwards from ten to keep his anger in check. She didn’t care when he spanked Jester! But that was just it, somehow they had split the children in two. Jason took that realization in stride, he focused his attention mainly on Jester, mostly only giving Jesse compliments and praise when the boy wanted it. However with Jester he disciplined her, he pushed her, he made sure her time was always being spent well. When her powers first appeared he made sure that she could push the limits with them. That she had as much control as possible. He made sure that she was at the top of her class in every way.

Looking at his daughter from across the table he felt as if his hard work was paying off. She was beautiful, she didn’t need help to take care of herself, she was mature, she did everything he said. Out in public there wasn’t a better child for a leader to have. Jester was able to speak to just about anyone and charm them completely. People often forget how young she was. Jesse wasn’t bad but he was still awkward around strange adults, it was clear he was only nine. Jason made sure Jesse was always with either Heather or himself at these events. Jester roamed free though, making connections that Jason couldn’t reach. When she became an actual adult he wanted her to take over the business. Of course Jesse would be the face, as who could resist a strong man? His wife was teaching the boy how to look his best. Yes, everything was going to plan. Jason was happy here.

#learn to be #writeblr #tw domestic abuse #TW child abuse #tw cursing #tw unhealthy relationship #tw child neglect #tw sexism

[counterclockworkminds]

Living with a “Triple A” Brain

Two years ago something amazing happened to me. I’ve struggled with my mental health nearly my entire life and there had always been this undercurrent of something that I could never explain.

For some context, I was diagnosed ADD (now classified as ‘ADHD - inattentive type”) in 3rd grade and until 6th, was on Ritalin. It helped my schoolwork those three years, and then the floor fell out from under me. I couldn’t function, my grades dropped and I continued to have very few friends. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and nothing helped. Then it was Bipolar, and nothing helped. By high school I was a terrible student and only graduated by the skin of my teeth. I started work in a entry-level call center and stayed in the industry until my mental health collapsed again and I started school because it was that or.... well just that.

But a year and a half into school, countless different medications and therapists that helped but didn’t really change anything... an epiphany. Chatting with a friend about Autism and suddenly, it all clicked. The next few days and few weeks were a whirlwind and research and going ‘wait... that’s an Autism thing?!”. I have vague recollections in my early 20′s asking a therapist about it and her saying I was ‘Too Social’. My college therapist when I brought it up two years ago? Grinned and commented she was wondering when I was going to realize it, and how can we best work with it.

I cannot describe how wonderful it felt to be validated. I’m not crazy, just autistic became my mantra. My mother (a special education teacher who specializes in Autism and behavior issues) wondered why she didn’t realize it sooner. I started to adjust. 

You know what happened when I started treating myself like I was an Autistic person? I got better. I didn’t get depressed as often, I stopped hating myself so much and it was amazing. When I transferred schools (from community college to a university) I struggled, but my new therapist helped hook me up with our Disabilities center (another radical adjustment, I’m disabled) and I got an Official Diagnosis. For me, the clinical diagnosis unlocked disability services I needed to continue succeeding in school and to help quell the little voice in my brain saying I was faking it. That testing also helped me learn that yeah, I’m still ADHD too.  Come fall term though, despite EVERYTHING I’d learned over the past year and a half, I was still struggling, I actually sought treatment for my ADHD and the anxiety I’ve always had. So yeah, ‘Triple A Brain’, I’m Autistic, and have ADHD and an Anxiety disorder. I was afraid of medication because everything I’d been through in middle and high school and was so ready to give up, but who knows, maybe this time I’ll get somewhere.

Holy shit guys. Do you know what living without anxiety is like after OVER TWENTY YEARS of that little voice in the back of your mind saying everything is awful, look at all the bad things that can happen and no one likes you, honest? I’ve NEVER been so calm, I’ve never been able to let things go, I’ve NEVER had a waking moment that there wasn’t SOMETHING eating at my soul and it’s goddamn amazing. 

Are there drawbacks to medication? Yeah, it’s sucks that I can’t sleep in cause taking my meds at the same time every day makes them more effective, but lets be honest, anxiety hadn’t let me do it in the past 5 years anyway. I have a lovely little tic on my right eyelid now. It flutters every once and awhile, and as near as I can tell it’s stress related. 

But I can do things. I can make calls (like the pharmacist, or the bank, or my credit card company) and it isn’t terrifying. Other people can be the driver when I’m in the car again. I don’t jump at door knocks (abuse history) and I can write. I can have opinions online and contribute to discussions. This post? I never would have been able to write it if not for anti-anxiety medication that works. It’s like finding a voice I never thought I had and I’m still processing how the not-anxious me is so different. I still am staring into myself and trying to process how different I am and how much happier I am. I’ve now had public meltdowns due to sensory overload (yeah, anti-anxiety meds don’t stop me from being Autistic yo) and guess what? I didn’t blame myself a single moment for sobbing in the hallway because the teacher accidentally blasted the room with an awful noise when I was already overwhelmed. I didn’t hate myself for being an Autistic human having a bad day and just let it suck. I don’t have a constant, gnawing fear that one wrong move will make this life I’m building for myself shatter into a million pieces. 

Why am I writing this all out? In part because I’m still processing it and writing it down helps with that processing. I feel like a different person, and that can be a bit intimidating. But also, maybe as a bit of encouragement to others? Life isn’t gonna be perfect. You’re gonna have your bad days, and mental illness and disability never fully go away (like today where I’m writing this instead of doing projects that are due tomorrow because executive function is a bitch). But sometimes, you find what works for you, whether it be the right medication, or the right support network, or even just treating yourself differently, can make a world of difference. 

I’m actually looking at grad school now. I’ll be doing research on some pretty dang amazing technology. And I’m also looking into disability advocacy. Instead of just watchhing from the sidelines, I want to add to the discussions around disability, mental illness and Autism and maybe I can help NT people understand us better. Accept Autism and all beautiful shades of neurodiversity. Because I’ve been too scared to for so long and now that I’m not... I’ve realized I’ve got a lot to say.  

#autism #anxiety #adhd #fear #empowerment #strength #therapy #help