#gai is immediately ready to play in that space

[heeseungsnewwhore]

Mercy🝮

:Part One:

Pairing: Sunghoon x Sunoo

Rating: 18+, mature scenes ahead

Genre: Angst, Hurt, Comfort

Warning Tags: Dacryphilia, SunSun, BxB, MxM, so it's gay, very gay, crying, lots of crying, Violence, possibly triggering content, mentioned abus!ve relationship, suggested, abus!ve relationship, JayWon established relationship

Summary: After years of pining, Sunghoon finally gets a chance to be with the man he claims as the love of his life. Freshly out of a very toxic relationship, Sunoo runs into the arms of the man he had always wanted to give his heart to. But as old faces and feelings from the past begin to re-emerge in their newly established relationship, the couple begin to question the timing of their hearts...

“I’m ready to go home…”

“Huh? But it hasn’t even been an hour?”

“Do we need to be here any longer..? Everyone is just staring at us…”

The shorter male chuckles. “Sunghoon-ah…It’s just because they don’t know you yet.” He says with a cheery grin before he’s wrapping himself around the others arm.

“Well no one has tried to talk to me Sunoo, they’re making me uncomfortable.” Sunghoon sighs before he’s letting Sunoo pull him into the crowd.

“Then we’ll go talk to them instead and if you still feel uncomfy, we’ll leave baby…Just try? For me?” Sunoo stops, now turning around to take the others hand in his, before he’s raising the other one up to caress his cheek.

Sunghoon sighs again, glancing about anxiously, the public display , as minuscule as it was, making him fidget as he felt eyes on them.

“Okay…For you.”

And there’s that smile.

Sunghoon loves that smile.

Sunoo always smiles at him like that…

“Thank you~” Sunoo cheers before giving him a quick peck on the lips and bounding off to a group of people that Sunghoon had only heard of, but never actually met yet.

“Yknow maybe if you weren’t lumbering around like an angry tree…”

Sunghoon rolls his eyes as he hears the familiar voice and looks over to see his friend Jay who approaches with a glass in hand. Watching as Sunoo cheerfully chatted up the group of people he was standing with before gesturing towards Sunghoon.

“Better learn how to smile-“

“Jongssaeng~, do you like your face?” Sunghoon plays in a mockingly cheery tone, Jay immediately looking around as if he heard something.

“Oh? What’s that-? Oh I think I hear Jungwon calling me-“ The younger male now veering off in some other direction as Sunghoon sighs once again before making his way towards Sunoo.

He puts on a smile, shoving his hands into the pockets of his coat as he approaches the crowd. Sunoo, like a magnet immediately coming back to his arm. The taller male tensing up a bit before glancing all about at the people in front of him.

“They think I was joking~ But I told them I wouldn’t joke about that kind of thing- My best friend is my boyfriend now.” Sunoo says so cheerfully and Sunghoon’s heart does a dangerous thing.

“Mmn, the man looks like he’s being held hostage Sunoo- Let him have some space!” One of Sunoo’s female friends chastised him but he only stuck his tongue out at her.

“Ah, he’s always been like this- He just gets really clingy when he drinks I don’t mind. At least he’s not wandering off.” Sunghoon says before he’s looking down at the other male who’s pouting up at him.

“Hey, I don’t wander off!”

“Well I’m not taking any chances now am I?” Sunghoon says before he’s ruffling the others hair gently.

The woman ahead of them chuckling before one of the males speak.

“So how did you end up dating? You must’ve been waiting for a chance right?”

“I-I…”

“Dude-“ The Woman nudges the man in the ribs.

“What!? I’m saying that it’s a good thing! Sunoo’s ex was garbage, I’m glad it’s a friend. You should be relieved too…” He says giving the woman a dirty look and she rolls her eyes before sipping on her drink again.

Sunghoon sighs. “Well, it was something like that I guess…Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom. Don’t- let him go off anywhere?” Sunghoon says to Sunoo’s friends, before he’s off to the restrooms.

Sunoo of course trying to bicker at him that he didn’t need to be babysat, and the two friends of his bickering about how Sunghoon ended up uncomfortable.

But the man wasn’t wrong…Sunghoon took his chance.

About a month ago

Sunghoon was lazing about in his kitchen. Boredom taking over the atmosphere as he was finishing up the dishes with little enthusiasm. Jay had come over for dinner and to hang out for a little while, and had left only moments ago. Sunghoon was now cleaning up before he got ready for bed. They had had a few drinks so he was already sleepy enough.

But it’s suddenly that he’s hearing soft banging on his door. He pauses at the sink, listening again…And there it was. He leaned to have a view of his front door wondering who it could’ve been. Jay had a key, so no reason to be banging on his door.

There it was again, but this time much louder.

“Sunghoon-ah?! Sunghoon!? Please!”

Sunghoon knew that voice all too well, and quickly made his way to the door. Practically snatching it open, as he was now met with Sunoo. Soaking wet from the rain, hugging himself and sobbing. Sunoo doesn’t say anything , just throwing himself into the others arms. Sunghoon not hesitating at all in taking the other in his arms as he quickly begins to look him over.

“Sunoo!? What the Hell, what are you doing-? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Sunoo shakes his head as he sniffles, tears still running down his face as he looked up at his friend. He had been crying for a while. Eyes red and puffy, his nose was red. His hands gripping at the fabric of Sunghoon’s shirt for dear life and it’s in that moment, Sunghoon’s heart decides now is the time to start trying to catapult out of his chest.

“S-sunoo-“ Sunghoon cups The others cheeks. “Tell me what happened-“

“He kicked me out! He threw me out, and he wouldn’t let me get my things, he has my phone, my clothes everything!”

“Su-“

“I don’t want to go back! I just want my things! Don’t make me go back!” Sunoo is burying his face in the others chest again, sobbing into him.

“Sunoo- Did he hurt you?” Sunghoon asks and Sunoo takes too long to answer, the larger male pulling him away from his body and asking again. More stern this time.

“No! No he just locked me out…I-I couldn’t call because he has my phone, so I had to walk…”

Sunghoon couldn’t help but frown- That expression soon turning into a grimace.

“Let’s get you into some dry clothes, go find something of mine.” Sunghoon gestures towards his bedroom, before grabbing his coat, and his keys.

“W-wait where are you going?”

“To get your stuff.”

“Wait-!”

“I’m calling Jay he’ll be here in a few minutes, I’ll be back.” Sunghoon says quickly, going out the door, phone at his ear as he rushes to his car.

‘Hello..?’

“Can you swing by my place real quick?”

‘What-? What’s going on, are you okay?’

“I need you to sit with Sunoo until I get back okay? I gotta go get his things.”

‘What!? What are you-‘

Sunghoon hangs up before Jay can even finish speaking but he knows he’ll come through. Jay might have been on his ass for an explanation later, but if he could tell it was urgent, he knew to ask questions later. Sunghoon also DIDNT want to leave Sunoo alone and he was pretty sure the other male didn’t want to be alone.

It’s about a ten minute drive to the housing complex that Sunoo had lived in with his boyfriend. But with the way Sunghoon was driving, in the rain even, it took him about half the time. He parked across the way where he could see the house within walking distance. One car in the driveway, so obviously he was still home. Sunghoon turns his car off, shoves his keys in his pocket, and climbs out of his car. Practically storming for the front door.

Sunghoon knocks on the door, rather harshly, and there’s no response. He does it again, this time banging on the door. Constantly. Starting a whole rhythm under the pounding rain.

“I told you to-!”

The door suddenly swings open, the man’s words catching in his throat as he sees Sunghoon. Sunghoon not wasting any time as he barges in, inviting himself into the man’s home. Though it’s not as if Sunghoon hasn’t been here before.

“What the Hell are you doing!?”

“I’m here to get his things.”

Sunghoon says simply as he turns to face the man now. Watching a snide smirk play at his lips. Sunghoon really just wanted to punch it right off.

“Go get them, I don’t want any of it.” The man slurs, now shuffling over to throw himself onto his couch.

Sunghoon can’t help but glare. It’s then that he notices the state of the house. The alcohol, the stench of it. The living room was a mess, as was the kitchen. There’s no telling what the other rooms looked like. He then storms in the hallway, going into the bedroom, to see that it was trashed as well. Almost the entire house was a mess. It’s then that Sunghoon is balling his fist. He knows what he came for but the aftermath of whatever had happened didn’t look like things played out too well at all. The house was a mess yet Sunoo said that the man didn’t hit him or anything. After seeing the place Sunghoon found that to be less likely.

He tries to focus on the task at hand, going over to the closet and practically snatching it open. Seeing a couple of suitcases, he grabbed the biggest one, tossing it onto the bed. He starts gathering Sunoo’s clothes. He’s familiar with all the things that are his of course. His clothes, his jewelry, even his cologne and any trinkets that he was sure were Sunoo’s . It wasn’t a difficult task for him. The only thing that made it difficult is that most of these things weren’t where they were supposed to be. It only made it harder for him to contain the discomfort he was holding towards the other.

After he was done stuffing the suitcase, putting any other smaller objects in his pocket, he made his way out of the bedroom. He was almost out the door before he finally remembered something important.

Sunoo’s phone.

He puts the suitcase down by the door, now turning to the drunken male on the couch.

“Where’s his phone?” Sunghoon asks simply, and the man seems to have already passed out. Getting frustrated he walks over to the other, kicking at his feet. “Hey! Wake up! Asshole…” he mutters the curse as the man finally comes to.

“What, What..?”

“Sunoo’s phone? Where is it?”

The man shuffles around a bit on the couch, before he’s finally pulling Sunoo’s phone out of the sofa. Tossing it across the floor at the other. Sunghoon grimacing as he picks it up, now shoving it in his pocket. He then turns to go out the door…But doesn’t. Instead he goes back over to the couch, squatting to the man’s level. Grabbing a handful of his hair and forcing him to pay attention to him.

“Ow! Hey what the fuck!” He hissed, taking drunken swings at the other at Sunghoon can’t believe how pathetic the man ended up seemingly over a day.

“Shut up and listen- Because if I ever see you again. If you ever touch him again…You’ll regret it. Do you understand? Yeah?” Sunghoon forces the other man’s head to nod as he has a painful grip on his hair, the other repeating his words through a hiss of pain. “Good, good.”

With that, Sunghoon shoves the others head away from him as he lets go of his hair. Now making his way back to the door, and picking up the suitcase. 

“Did he tell you why I threw him out? Huh?! Did you even ask!? Or did he play the victim? Tsh…Go ahead and keep him…You can deal with it now.”

Sunghoon shakes his head with a sigh. He couldn’t begin to be the least amount of worried about whatever the man was babbling on about and makes his way out the door. Putting the suitcase in the trunk and driving right back to his house. He couldn’t help but continue seething on the short drive. His phone was going off, buzzing from worried messages filling his phone from Jay. But he could tell that some of the messages were from Sunoo himself. It wasn’t long before he was walking back into his own home, dragging the suitcase along behind him. As he drags himself in, he sees Jay on the couch comforting a still teary eyed Sunoo- both of their eyes now on him.

“Hey…” He says simply as Sunoo is now running over to the other and wrapping his arms around him. Sunghoon of course hugs him back. “I grabbed everything I could…The place was a mess but…I tried…” 

“You didn’t even have to do all of that…Thank you Sunghoon.” Sunoo looks up to the other with a teary smile, and even then, in that moment, Sunghoon really wished he could have kissed him. But it’s then that Sunghoon notices the little bandage on the others cheek. Now raising a thumb to gently rub over it.

“What the hell is this?” Sunghoon asks, looking right up at Jay who is now getting up from the couch. 

“Sunghoon-” Sunoo starts and the taller gives him such a stern look, Sunoo can only pout, knowing better than to make another excuse.

“Apparently, he was throwing things around. Via the mess you saw and- Theres some bruises on his back too.” Jay answers and Sunoo is burying his face into Sunghoon’s chest to cry again.

“I didn’t want you to worry Sunghoon I’m sorry,,, He was just throwing things everywhere and I just wanted to get out…I-I just didn't move fast enough-” 

“Sunoo, none of this is your fault, okay?” Jay gently places his hand on the youngers shoulder. “Just stop- Everytime you open your mouth, you’re defending him somehow. Just don’t.”

“Jay is right- And Please, if there’s anything else, you need to tell us…Tell us what happened.” 

It’s after that, and another flood of tears that Sunoo sits down between the two and tries his best to explain everything that had happened. Apparently Sunoo’s boyfriend had gotten it into his head that he was cheating. But it was Sunoo himself that found out otherwise. Sunoo’s boyfriend only saying that he cheated because he assumed Sunoo was already cheating- Which was false. What had convinced Sunoo’s boyfriend that Sunoo was cheating, was a drinking party he had gone to. The people that were present there were some mutual friends, as well as Sunoo’s therapist…To which Sunoo had talked alot to about another ‘person’. Another ‘man’...And the way these things were coming from the drunken mouth of Sunoo’s therapist only made things worse for him when his lover- former lover- got home.

Sunghoon sighs as he is balling and unballing his fists and Jay has his head in his hands in a frustrated manner.

“So…He got really mad at me and…That’s when everything else happened.” Sunoo swallows through his broken sobs. “I-I didn’t know where else to go…I-I’m sorry.”

“Don’t…Don’t apologize you could’ve come to either of us.” Jay says as he tried to rub along the others back soothingly, but stops as the younger winces. “S-Sorry.”

It’s then that Jay’s phone begins to buzz and he pulls out only to let out a string of curses under his breath.

Sunoo turns with a sniffle, wiping his eyes with his sleeves as he ponders whats wrong. “What’s wrong?”

“Well- I gotta get back. Jungwon’s awake and he’s worried now.” Jay says with a sigh as he sees all the messages from the other, going to text him back before the other is now calling.

“Hello? Babe- Baby-! It was an emergency! It was- Baby, I’m getting in the car right now. Yes, I’m right down the street. Honey…”

Jay wasn’t exactly yelling at the other over the phone, but more so trying to calm the other down enough to reassure him that he was fine and coming home. He was giving the others silent goodbyes and waving to them as he quickly made his way out of the house, now making way to his car.

Leaving Sunoo and Sunghoon to the silence…

"I'm sorry.." Sunoo's expression has completely fallen again, his eyes beginning to fill with more tears.

Looking up to the other as he tries to force a smile. "He's such an asshole..He shouldn't have to be your problem"

"Sunoo-“ Sunghoon shifts on the couch some, turning his body more towards the other. "If he's making you cry like this, he was going to be my problem anyway-…You're not going back there, okay?"

"I just feel so stupid, I thought things would get better after we moved in and it just got worse, and I have nowhere else to go and I wanna stop crying and I can't and I feel so ugly-“

"I think you're pretty."

Sunoo swallows, looking over to the other man now with a streak of confusion. A mortified look on Sunghoon's face as he realizes what he just said.

"S-Sunghoon.?" He practically hiccups his friends name.

"I'm- That was-" He raises a hand up to drag it down his face in a frustrated manner. Giving a defeated sigh, he's carefully moving his own hands. Taking Sunoo’s in his. Hesitant, at first, almost as if Sunoo's hands were the most delicate things he could hold.

"I think you're pretty when you cry…You're never ugly- Just sucks that this is why you have to cry."

"y-You think that..?" The younger male sniffs, blinking through his tears, bottom lip still quivering slightly. Sunghoon opens his mouth to speak but quickly slams it shut.

Sunghoon can't even bring himself to look at the other anymore. It was already bad enough that he had the most obvious crush on his friend- Jay making a daily reminder to him about it on a regular basis, for whatever annoying fucking reason. But tonight after hearing Sunoo slip up about his therapist and their sessions…It didn’t take much for Jay and even himself, to realize that the other man Sunoo had been mentioning during his session’s…Was Sunghoon himself. Jay having given Sunghoon a certain look during the discussion- Almost as if he had known there was something between them in the first place. But Sunoo was taken. Long spoken for. What could Sunghoon have done?

But now Sunoo was sitting here, on his couch, tear stained, in one of his shirts that fit him just a little too big…Sunghoon didn't know who was more vulnerable in that moment between the two of them and he's only just a man. His mind is reeling on how Sunoo is technically single now and how he just called him pretty, how swollen his lips are, how red and puffy his eyes have gotten, how there's so many stars in his eyes when he's crying, how his hands are really soft, how gorgeous his legs are-

"Sunghoon-ah!?"

Sunghoon jumps being snatched out of his thoughts, Sunoo practically yelling his name.

"S-Sunghoon, are you okay, have you been drinking or something.?"

Sunoo asks and honestly, though he has had a drink or two, those words hurt his   feelings. Sunghoon didn't need to be drunk to tell Sunoo how he felt- He just needed time. An opportunity. This was as good as any...The selfish thought of Sunoo getting over his ex and going to someone else gnawing at him. He doesn't want Sunoo to go anywhere else. He wants him here. Like this. These soft hands. Those swollen lips. Even his broken smile. He wants everything that there is and anything he can fix.

"I'm not drunk Sunoo, and I meant it. You're always pretty...always."

He's rubbing his thumb along the back of the others hands now.

Looking down to the delicate fingers for a moment before their eyes finally meet again. "And when your cry, it's just…” Sunghoon let's out another sigh, watching as another tear runs down flushed cheeks and he can't shake the thought away anymore.

He couldn't ask for it.

He didn't even really think about it.

His body moved on its own.

Cupping the others face in both hands now, he closes in the space between them with a kiss. Catching the poor man off guard as he steals his lips. Chasing after the shy, plump folds that slowly started to reciprocate. Sunoo's hands coming up to brace on the others wrists.

Sunoo is Kissing him back.

He's really kissing him.

And Sunghoon can feel the fireworks going off in his chest. Deepening the kiss much further as he glides his tongue past the others lips with such ease and the little noise that comes from him makes his heart turn flips. Sunoo is trying to say something- His name. Muffling it out into the kiss before Sunghoon is finally pulling away to let him catch his breath.

"Just go out with me instead…”

"Wh-what?"

"Move in with me even-"

"Sunghoon!?"

"Your things are already here! Just stay the night...Think about it…..Give me a chance...I'd even beg." His last words are almost a whisper, but Sunoo hears them.

He moves his hands to cup the others cheeks, now bringing his forehead to rest against his. Closing his eyes, before there’s finally a faint smile at his lips.

“Why couldn’t you come out with it before..?”

“Huh..?”

There’s a weak chuckle coming from Sunoo before he’s tilting his head bit, now bringing himself closer to the other. Much closer. So much that Sunghoon is now cradling the other in his lap. Sunoo now comfortably nuzzling himself down into the others embrace. Already, he felt so safe. Warm. 

“This is going to sound really bad, Sunghoon…Please don’t judge.” The younger whispers. Head now resting on Sunghoon’s shoulder, a hand playing in the man’s hair.

“I won’t judge you. I promise…What’s wrong?”

“Well…” Sunoo sighs. “I always knew you kinda liked me…Always.” He starts and he can see the defeated look in the others expression an he chuckles. Sniffling before he speaks again. “I liked you too, though…But- whenever I tried…You always seemed to pull away…Like you didn’t want me.”

Sunghoon can hear the others words waver a little at the end. Holding him even tighter as he now turns his head to pepper soft kisses at the youngers jaw. “I’m sorry Sunoo…I didn’t want to ruin what we had…As friends…It was stupid…”

Sunoo shakes his head slightly as he sniffles. “It hurt a little…I should’ve just come out and said something to you…But I was afraid of you turning me down…So I thought maybe if I made it obvious enough…He'll come to me.”

“I’m sorry-”

“No-No don’t be.” Sunoo is now moving to cup the other’s cheeks, holding his face so that the two are now peering into each other's eyes. “I have you now…Right…? I-If I stay for a bit…C-Can we try? I mean- give it a little time? See what happens?”

It was just from those words that Sunghoon couldn’t help the smile that graced his lips. Just the thought of a chance between them and he was beyond happy. It’s seeing that smile though, that Sunoo had his answer, and he was meeting the other in a sweet kiss…

The moment their lips had touched in the first place, they both had their minds made up.

Present Day…

Splashing some more water on his face before peering into the mirror, Sunghoon regains his grip back on reality. Pulling himself from thoughts of the past, and back to the present. He was sure he had already taken too long in the bathroom and needed to get back to the crowd. But ever since he had arrived to the party, things had felt, uneasy.

He just had a feeling…

A feeling like he shouldn’t be there.

He just wanted to take Sunoo and go home.

But he promised the other he would come…After a month of sorting themselves out, they decided to call things official, and all of his friends were more than excited to meet the Sunghoon that they had always heard so much about. Apparently Sunghoon had been the topic of many conversations even long before they were dating.

But he shakes it off. Letting out another sigh before returning to the crowd. He sees Sunoo is right where he left him. With his little crowd of friends.

“Hoon! There you are, I thought you fell down the drain!” Sunoo teases, almost in a tone as if scolding the other for taking too long. But he brightens the other up with a smile almost immediately after, before he’s hugging his arm again.

“Hey man- If what I said earlier was weird, or out of line, I’m sorry. I’ve just had a lot to drink tonight.” The male admits and Sunghoon shakes his head, signaling it’s okay.

“You weren’t wrong. It just wasn’t the opportunity I would’ve wanted. I could’ve waited longer if it had meant for things to go differently…I think about it going differently all the time but- Well we’re here now and that’s all that matters.” Sunghoon suddenly admits and Sunoo is looking up to the other with the most awestruck expression.

“I didn’t know you still thought about it so much…It feels so long ago to me now. Would you really have been waiting for me, Sunghoon?” The younger one has drunken stars in his eyes and Sunghoon smiles, forgetting about the couple of friends in front of them for a moment.

“Of course I would…This is something I’ve wanted for a long time.”

Sunoo can feel happy little tears stinging his eyes, and he hides them as he pulls the other down into a kiss. Sunghoon’s hands coming to the other's waist, as Sunoo’s smaller ones are now cupping his face. Just a sweet trading of lips. A brief little moment that said so much more. The two slowly pull away with soft smiles, a  slight flush at Sunoo’s cheeks.

“Oh! Oh my!”

It’s then hearing the female in front of them that Sunghoon scolds himself and Sunoo can only giggle.

“No, no! You two are so cute! Ugh, Sunoo he’s perfect, you should’ve started dating your friends a long time ago!” She chimes. A tearful smile on her face before she fans at the man that was with her, now shoving past him. “Move I have to go fix my makeup! Oh gosh you two-!”

“I’m gonna make sure she wanders into the right bathroom this time.” The man laughs as he now follows after the girl. Giving Sughoon a proper goodbye in case they didn’t see each other for the rest of the night.

After that, the two mean were practically inseparable. Sunoo was happily hanging off of Sunghoon in front of all of his friends, and it even put Jungwon in a romantic mood. Prompting him to be just as clingy with Jay. Not that he already wasn’t, but he was more drunk off the atmosphere rather than the alcohol. Whispering little promises and taunts in Jay’s ear all night just to tug at his composure. Meanwhile Sunoo and Sunghoon had seemed like the sweetest couple at the party tonight.

“Y’know, I’ve never seen anyone actually dance here…” Jay sighs as he’s pour another shot for himself, and the other three men.

“It is good dance music, just going to waste.” Jungwon sighs, fiddling with the small glass before bringing it to his lips.

Sunoo hums as Jay pushes his glass over to him. Sunghoon and his friend downing their shots together. “It doesn’t have to be a waste.” The younger says before hopping up from his seat.

The three watch him wondering where he could possibly be running off to- And then they realize- He’s sauntered straight over to Heeseung. Who was glued to the couch with a girl on either side of him, both of the females seemingly contesting for his lap.

“Heeseeeeung~ Can I have your phone?” Sunoo sings, Heeseung too engrossed in his conversation with the girls, doesn’t even bother to ask what he wants it for, and hands it over.

Sunoo now having complete control over the playlist. Changing the vibe, ande the volume, and it’s noticeable. Especially with the way he begins dancing through the crowd, tugging at a few others clothes, pulling them to the center with him. Eventually bumping into his female friend who was more than happy to join him. The younger male making his way all the way back to Sunghoon and his friends, the biggest smile on his face.

“We can dance now!” He cheers, clapping for himself.

“You literally just grinded on half the household…” Jay says with a dumbfounded look on his face, Sunghoon having covered his eyes.

“Is it safe to look yet?” The older whines and Sunoo playfully slaps his boyfriends arm in response. 

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I'm going to dance.” Jungwon says with an innocent smile before Jay looks him up and down.

“If you’re dancing, then I’m dancing? Duh.” 

Jungwon can't help but laugh at the way his boyfriend responds, before Jay is taking his hand himself, and guiding them out onto the floor. Now there’s just Sunghoon. Sunoo’s pleading eyes gazing up at the other, as he bites his lip. Taking the larger hands in his and slowly stepping back into the dancing crowd. Slowly but surely, Sunghoon follows him in. If the two hadn’t appeared inseparable already, they definitely were that way now. Sunoo kept his body as close as he possibly could to the others. His arms around the taller’s shoulders, Sunghoon’s around his waist in response. Their foreheads touching, and if you had to look twice you’d say they were kissing. A few times they were. Until it inevitably turned into nothing but an entire makeout session in the drunken crowd of their friends.

And from there, the night carried on…The atmosphere had shifted to a much more lively setting for the next handful of hours, and Jay and Sunghoon were making sure to keep an eye on Jungwon and Sunoo who wanted to have a few more drinks before going home. No more for themselves of course, because they were the ones that would be driving them home. 

“Mmmmmm I had so much fun let’s do it again tomorrow…” Sunoo groans, body completely limp against Sunghoon’s as the four of them were piled on the couch. Sunoo and Jungwon sitting between him and Jay. The two younger males obviously needing to be tucked in.

“Hey guys! Sorry I was- Well…” 

They look up to see Heeseung jogging down his stairs, in the process of throwing his shirt back on and a sheepish smile on his lips.

“Wow, never seen him blush like that before. They must've been fun?” Jay says with a suggestive smile, before giving him the eyebrows as well. Heeseung silently mouthing an ‘oh yeah’ before squeezing himself onto the couch next to him. Only way that ended up working out was Jay shuffling over and having to surrender his lap to Jungwon. 

“Everyone else is already going home, but we didn’t want to leave without saying bye.” Jungwon admits with a sleepy smile as he readjusts in Jay’ s lap. Turning himself a bit more so that he can face Heeseung.

A few of the boys had work in the morning but not all of them. Of course that had included Heeseung so he more or less had to make sure that the house was clear of anymore guests, before seeing his friends out. Heeseung had lived in a pretty nice condominium so it took some time and a bit of elevator sharing for everyone to make their way down to the parking lot. Of course as they got there, one of the males realized he still had something on him that didn’t quite belong to him…

“Oh no! Awh, man…” Sunoo whined as he looks down to the phone in his hands. Sunghoon stopping, gently taking ahold of the others shoulders, trying to figure what’s wrong.

“Hm? Baby, what is it? Sunoo?”

Sunoo laughs nervously before slapping himself in the forehead. “I still have Heeseung’s phone! And he’s all the way back up theeeeere!”

Sunoo is now looking up at Sunghoon with those eyes. Those starry brown hues that he just can’t deny. With a soft sigh and smile, Sunghoon takes the phone from the younger.

“I’ll take it up to him. You just go to the car and warm up.” He then slides his keys into Sunoo’s pocket as he leans in to steal a kiss, before jogginh his way back into the lobby.

Sunoo smiles as he watches the other head off, now looking down to the keys in his hand. It’s then that he hears a car horn and looks up to see Jay and Jungwon waving to him before getting into their car. He wavded them of as well before finally starting to Sunghoon’s car. But his short walk across the lot was soon interrupted…

He looks around as he hears his name.

But he’s not sure where it’s coming from…

Then he hears his name again and his eyes finally land on a familiar man.

No…Not a man he wants to see at all.

But as the man sees he has Sunoo's attention, he’s smiling and jogging in his direction.

“No…No, no, no, no-” Sunoo turns quickly and begins to chant as he moves quicker. Everytime he hears his name from the man’s voice he tries to move faster but his feet fail him.

That and there was a hand gripping his wrist, tugging him back slightly to stop him from going forward anymore.

“Sunoo, wait-“ As the man grabs the younger’s arm now, Sunoo is automatically flinching. The older male seeing the effect his grip had on him, he loosens it and takes a step away. “I-I’m sorry…I just want to talk…I want to…Apologize. That’s all. If you’ll-“

Before the man could finish speaking, there was a larger figure emerging between the two. A fist coming through to put the other man on the ground. Sunoo gasping as he took a few steps back, now to see Sunghoon.

“I told you if you ever touched him again…You’d regret it.” He says glaring down at the man, who’s still holding his jaw. Looking up bewildered at the other before looking to Sunoo in shock. “Don’t look at him. Fuck off.”

The man is quickly scurrying up off the ground before quickly running back to his car. Sunghoon simply turning around, grabbing Sunoo by the wrist and leading them back in the direction of his car.

“What was that?!” Sunoo exclaims, following along as Sunghoon drags him.

“A punch.”

“He wasn’t hurting me! Sunghoon! Sunghoon!” Sunoo suddenly stops, tugging against the other. Finally snatching from his grasps causing the male to whip around.

“What-? Are you mad? Are you mad that I hit him?”

Sunoo raises his arms only to drop them at his sides again. “I’m upset that you did something so reckless!”

“Everyone saw him grab you.”

“Yeah and then everyone saw you punch him! You punched him!”

“If you’re so worried about what I did to him now, then you’d be terrified at what I would’ve done back then…” Sunghoon is suddenly in the others face. “Do you know what it was like? Walking into that house? The images in my head, Sunoo?”

“S-Sung…”

“You worry about him every time we see him around…” There’s a look in Sunghoon’s eyes. A mix of anger, pain, and confusion and it reflects in Sunoo’s. The smaller beginning to tear up as silent drops cascade down his cheeks. “And I have to see him around now, happy, healthy, untouched after what he did to you. How can you be concerned!? How can you care what I do to him!? He’s garbage, Sunoo! I finally, FINALLY do something to make sure he never comes near you again, and you’re upset!? He’s going to keep chasing you until you talk to him!”

“I-I just don’t want you to get in trouble…” His voice is barely there and it’s when Sunghoon sees it…The hint of fear in the others eyes. “I-I don’t want you to fight…I don’t want to see you all beat up and angry like that…That’s not my Sunghoon…” Sunoo shakes his head as his voice begins to waver and even more tears start to fall.

He’s crying.

Really crying now.

Sobbing.

“Don’t be like him! Don’t get so angry that you end up doing stupid things like he did! So angry that you just hurt people because you’re mad! You have me now, okay? I love you now. I loved him once but...Some people just don't fit…S-Sunghoon- I’m yours...Okay?” Sunoo’s shaky hands are now holding Sunghoon’s and the taller man can’t help but notice the eyes around them. Not only that, but Jay and Jungwon dashing across the parking lot to the two of them.

“You guys alright?!”

“What the Hell is going on?!”

“Sunghoon punched my ex.” Sunoo sniffles, now bringing his hands back to wipe his own tears.

“You punched him?” Jungwon says in disbelief as he glances between the two of them.

“About fucking time…” Jays says under his breath but is immediately getting a look from Jungwon.

“Jay- Don’t.”

“He came up and grabbed Sunoo…He didn’t need to touch him, he had no business touching him.” Sunghoon defends himself and Sunoo gives him another wounded look.

“And you didn’t have to touch him, you could’ve just grabbed me and we could’ve left! Now look-”

“Look at what? All your friends that were just watching? Did I embarrass you? Well I’m sorry Sunoo, next time I won’t interrupt. You must’ve felt so safe just now then, right? Before I came?”

“Sunghoon!” Jungwon is now stepping between the two of them, shoving the older male back some. “Lay off, listen to yourself…He panicked okay, it’s not his fault! Especially when you just come out of nowhere swinging like that…”

“I’m fine. I just wanna go home.”

In tears, Sunoo is shoving past them, moving quickly through the parking lot as he makes his way to  Sunghoon’s car. Jungwon giving Sunghoon a worried look before following after Sunoo. Calling the younger’s name but getting no response or acknowledgement. Leaving Jay and Sunghoon to themselves. Jay gave his friend a look of disbelief before rolling his eyes and waving to the other to follow him to his car so they could talk. Sunghoon huffs. Taking his hands through his hair in a frustrated manner before following after Jay.

“Sunghoon…” Jay starts. He’s now sitting behind the wheel of his car and Sunghoon in the passenger seat. From where they were parked, they could see Sunoo and Jungwon’s figures. Having their own conversation a ways from them. “You know you can’t yell at him like that, right..?”

Sunghoon is staring down into his hands. He felt bad for raising his voice at Sunoo like that, yes. He felt bad that he made him cry. But at the same time, he was angry. He was angry that his ex was able to even lay a hand on Sunoo. He felt like he had failed. Like he had broken his promise. He was disgusted. He was angry he couldn’t hit him more. Sunoo was the one that came to his house covered in bruises and yet that man had nothing coming to him? Sunghoon regrets not beating him up that night.

“Sunghoon-”

“I know.” Sunghoon finally huffs out. Now resting his head against the window as he stares out at nothing really. “I know and I’m sorry…”

“Yeah well, I’m not the one you should be apologizing too…That night was horrible for him. I still don't’ think we know everything that was going on between them…That relationship went bad a long time ago but Sunoo was trying so hard…”

“I know…” Sunghoon sighs again, but this time his voice is weaker. “I’d never hurt Sunoo. Never on purpose…I just wanted to protect him. I told him he’d never have to see that guy again, that I’d never let him lay another finger on him…”

Jay could hear the defeated tone in his friends words. The pain even. Sunghoon had waited so long for this moment. The relationship with Sunoo that he had thought would always be a fantasy…It was actually the entire reason his last relationship failed.

“Y’know…When we broke up. I lied.” Jay suddenly speaks. Sunghoon’s brows coming together.

“Pardon?”

Jay can’t help but laugh a bit then. Sunghoon’s head now coming off the window to face his friend.

He sighs. “When I broke up with you Sunghoon…It wasn’t because of Jungwon.” Jay clears his throat again. Finding it difficult to find the next words.

“Jay…”

“No- No, I need to say this.” He takes his hands through his hair. “That lie was totally unfair to you. To make you feel like I left you for someone else.” His own voice is growing a little weaker now. Eyes stinging. “God, I didn’t think I’d be crying over this again.”

“You? Crying over us? Jay- I- Whatever it is, just tell me.”

“I broke up with you-” He starts, silent tears falling from his eyes anyway. “Because I knew you didn’t love me.”

“Th-that’s not true-”

“NOT in that way. I know you love me, I KNEW you loved me then, but not like a lover. When I was with you Sunghoon, all I saw was how much you wanted him. The longing. All of it.” Jay nods, now fiddling with his hands in his lap. “I know how long you’ve been waiting…Years. Years to get to love him, right?” Jay finally looks over to his friend.

It’s then that the two realize the tears in each others eyes and can’t help but laugh at each other.

Just a way to cope.

“Ugh, this is so weird.” Jay groans now roughly wiping the tears from his face. Sunghoon does the same as he hums in agreement.

“We never really talked about it before, wow.” Sunghoon is now looking out to see Jungwon giving Sunoo a comforting hug. The younger still appeared to be crying…

“Yeah…But you get what I’m saying right?” Jay looks to the other again. “I know how much you love him. Maybe more than anyone. But if you hold onto him too tight, he’s gonna slip right through your fingers…You see the way he walked away from you…? He didn’t even storm off on his ex like that…That scared me. It scared ME, Sunghoon…Don’t make yourself the one he has to harden his heart to. He’s been through shit. Don’t drag ‘em through more.”

Sunghoon nods slightly. Gaze still set out on the two figures ahead of them.

Silence filling the car between the two of them…

Until-

“I’m sorry…I’m sorry I did that to you.” More tears are falling from Sunghoon’s eyes. 

He couldn’t help but think about all the time he had Jay going through that pain. A whole year. An entire year and even though it all had Sunghoon been that obvious? So much that he blindly went as far as to hurt his friend? He didn’t mean for Jay to be a bandaid or anything of the like. They sorted themselves out…Gave it a chance. Hell, Sunghoon was the one that initiated it…One drunk sleepover turned into a not so one night stand later and the two were happily claiming each other as lovers. But it wasn’t as happily as Sunghoon thought…

“Mm-mm” Jay shakes his head. “Don’t do that. I messed up to- I thought I could replace Sunoo. Dumped you and told you there was someone else…I could’ve been honest. Could’ve done better. We both made a mess.”

“Still-”

“No. I lied.” Jay is wiping his eyes again. “I lied to you Sunghoon. To protect myself. If I told you the truth then, you would’ve been seeing me alot like you’re seeing Sunoo right now.”

Sunghoon slams his head back against the seat with a groan. “How am I NOT supposed to apologize?”

“Because- You made up for it by being my friend, always being my friend. Being there for me, for Jungwon, for both of us? All while having to- Deal with watching Sunoo with…Y’know other guys and not you...”

“I still feel guilty…”

“I know…Back then I would’ve wanted you to.”

“I deserve it.”

“Sunghoon, dude-”

“Jungwon is coming back.”

It’s then that Jay looks up to see that Sunoo is getting into Sunghoon’s car, and Jungwon is coming around to Sunghoon’s door. Opening it up as he reaches the car.

“He’s ready to go home, Hoon. You two should go on and head in, sleep this off.” Jungwon suggests, but it’s then…He notices the state of the other two, giving Jay a questionable look.

“We had the talk- The talk you told me I needed to have? That ‘we’- Needed to have?” Jay admits and Sunghoon is suddenly wearing an alarmed expression aimed at a sighing Jungwon.

“Come talk to me for a minute, Sunghoon…”

As Jungwon steps aside, Sunghoon piles out of the car, shutting the door behind him. Now looking down to the younger male. 

“I- Kind of forgave you a long time ago for Jay. He told me why he really broke up with you before we started really dating…And y'know, I hated you for a little bit.”

Sunghoon’s eyes grow wide…Before his gaze falls to the ground. He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t even know if there’s anything for him to say.

“But you and Sunoo have always been something Jay has wanted. He wanted to see you happy still- And we all had to watch you break a little more every time Sunoo went to someone else…But you have him now- Don’t mess it up, okay?” Jungwon is now moving, tilting his head in a way where he’s forcing himself to be under the others' gaze. “Mm? Yeah?” He says offering the other a smile and Sunghoon finally raises his gaze.

“Yeah…Don’t hold on too tight, Jay mentioned that too…”

“We shouldn’t have to tell you this…But he really loves you. Alot. He’s loved you and been waiting for this for a long time too…But he’s– He’s hurting. Still- alot- So you can’t talk to him like that, okay?” Jungwon is shaking his head, tears stinging his eyes. “Don’t, talk to him like that.”

But seeing the tears in Jungwon’s eyes suddenly had Sunghoon confused. Everyone was having their fair share of tears tonight…But what had he and Sunoo talked about? Did Sunoo tell him something that he didn’t know yet?

Sunoo was still hurting?

At that moment, Sunghoon began to feel ashamed. To feel wrong for suddenly assuming that since Sunoo was with him now, all his pain was gone. That wasn’t how Sunoo was feeling at all. That’s how Sunghoon was feeling. Had he really been so selfish all this time?

“Take him home now, Hoon.” Jungwon says before climbing into the passenger seat. Exchanging soft goodbyes with the older before Sunghoon watches the two disappear from the parking lot. He looks ahead now to see Sunoo sitting in his car waiting for him.

Sunghoon was hesitant at first. Shoving his hands in his coat pocket as he takes his time moving across the parking lot. Carrying himself to his car. Sunoo is sitting in the passenger seat. Sniffling, Fiddling with the ends of his sleeves. Shivering. Sunghoon doesn't hesitate at all in blasting the heat after he gets the car started.

“Thank you…” The younger mutters.

“Of course.” Sunghoon’s words are soft. Tone a lot different than what it had been earlier.

Sunoo had noticed the change in his demeanor, now stealing a few glances of the other. It was then that he noticed that Sunghoon had been crying too. He couldn’t help but pout. Did Sunghoon cry because of him? Was he that angry with him? Did what happened hurt Sunghoon that much? Sunoo couldn’t help but begin to guilt trip himself over what could have possibly made Sunghoon cry. It wasn’t often if at all that he’d ever seen Sunghoon cry…Regardless…The drive home was silent.

#enha sunghoon #enha sunoo #enhypen sunghoon #enhypen sunoo #SunSun #SunSun angst #SunSun fluff #JayWon #JayWon enha #MxM #BxB #GayGayGAy #future smut #Enhypen fanfiction #Enha fanfiction

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Five Fics Friday: January 12/24

Happy Friday everyone!! I hope you had a wonderful week, and are ready to enjoy some more fic recs to get you started on the weekend! Enjoy!!

RECENTLY BOOKMARKED

Spare Parts��by Raina_at (E, 63,497 w., 10 Ch. || 24th Century / Futurism AU || Post TRF, Pre-TRF Relationship, Case Fic, Mutual Pining, Estrangement, Reconciliation, Science Fiction, Reunion, Nightmares, Angry John, Cybernetic John, Emotional Discussions / Heart to Heart, POV John, Scars, Past Drug Use, Forehead Touching, Emotional Lovemaking, Kissing, Apologies, Kidnapping, Rescue Mission, BAMF John, Bed Sharing, Top Sherlock) – Two years ago, Sherlock Holmes jumped off the roof of New London Hospital. Two months ago, he walked into John's clinic as if no time had passed at all. John hasn't seen him since. But then Sherlock knocks on John's door with a case he can't say no to, and while figuring out why the biggest manufacturer or synthetic limbs in the System is going after veterans, they also need to find out whether there's a way to fix what's broken between them. Part 1 of Realigning Gravity

Fade To Black by twistedthicket1 (M, 93,389 w., 29 Ch. || Split Personality Disorder / DID, Action, Romance, Violence, Implied Rape/Non-Con, BAMF John, Fluff and Angst, Baskerville, Human Experimentation, PTSD, Implied Self Harm, Trauma Amnesia, Past Child Sexual Abuse, Protective Sherlock, Smoking, Meddling Mycroft, Past Victor/Sherlock, Gay Sherlock, Sherlock’s Past, First Kiss/Time) – John Watson believes one day he'll just fade. That he'll drown in the black spaces of his mind, and that one day he will no longer exist. It's always been like this, the dark spots marking out moments in his life he can't remember. Where for just a moment he's someone else. Having a Dissociative identity disorder, he can't even be entirely sure he's really who he says he is. Then he meets Sherlock Holmes. A brilliant detective who when he looks at you can read your entire life story. John is immediately fascinated and afraid, half-wondering if maybe Sherlock can see the other personalities in him and half terrified of the thought of him finding out. Becoming his flatmate seems at once to be a wonderful and horrible idea. Yet as John's Blackouts become more and more severe and his other personalities begin to truly awaken and show themselves with Sherlock's help, the two soon discover that sometimes even the kindest person can harbour a demon best left untouched inside of them. Because not all of John's other personalities play nicely and some may be hiding secrets best left undisturbed...

MARKED FOR LATER

Hand Me the Salt, Love? by topsyturvy_turtely (G, 554 w., 1 Ch. || Fluff, Pet Names, Flustered Sherlock, Cooking, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, Fluff Without Plot) – John is cooking. Sherlock is not helping. Until...

Locked Room by Calais_Reno (T, 8,346 w., 2 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting AU || Pool Scene, Mystery, Near Death Experience, Drug Addiction, Serious Injuries, Temporary Amnesia, POV Alternating, Love Confessions, Happy Ending) – John wakes up in a locked room, unable to remember how he got here. The last thing he remembers is his hands covered in blood, trying to keep a soldier from dying. His roommate also seems to be suffering from amnesia, and has decided that John is a delusion. Part 33 of Just Johnlock

Walk of Shame by 72reasons (E, 14,355+ w., 9/? Ch. || WiP || Alternate First Meeting AU || Meet-Ugly, Bisexual John, Gay Sherlock, Alternating POV, Sad John, Suicidal Thoughts, Casual Sex, Strangers to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Threesome, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Frottage, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex) – John is just back from the war and wanders the city wondering what he’s going to do. One of his distractions is having casual sex with a beautiful, but annoying, woman. Sherlock usually refrains from sex, but in trying to stay sober he indulges in it now and again. Sherlock meets John on the street and sparks fly. Casual sex is one thing, but what about something more?

#five fics friday #johnlock fic recs #my fic recs

[lady-october]

Pairing : Oli Sykes x Female Assistant Genre : Romance, Smut (18+ Only) Previous Chapters : 1-13 on Archive of Our Own

Story Content : 18+, Smut, Drama, Choking, Power dynamics, Romance, Dom/Sub, Sadism/Masochism, Mentions of addiction & self harm, Degradation, Praise kink, Exhibitionism, Breath play, Dirty talk.

Summary :

“Don’t you see what a dangerous game you’re playing? Why did you have to look so fucking delicious tonight, I couldn’t stop undressing you in my mind, thinking of all the twisted things I want to do to you.” She had only worked on the touring team for three weeks, but her mind had been hijacked by dirty thoughts of a man she barely even talked to. Sure, he was very attractive, but were there other reasons she was so uncontrollably drawn to him? This is a filthy story of pain, self discovery, and love.

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Chapter 14: A square doesn't fit the circle

Chapter title is lyrics from "Avalanche"

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The morning came too soon.

I swear Liam’s obnoxious alarm went off right as deep sleep had claimed me. But I wasn’t the only disappointed one. Groans could be heard all around me, as well as someone yelling “Turn that fucking thing off,” from somewhere down the aisle.

A long series of awkward interactions followed as we all tried to get ready at the same time in the small, entirely too intimate space. Being the only woman on the tour – and now apparently the object of interest for everyone except the openly gay and taken man – I tried to slip away before either accidentally flashing anyone, or potentially seeing entirely too much of everyone else while getting dressed.

From there on everything was just as chaotic as I’d expected. Me and Liam scrambled to get caffeine and something edible into the band members before we got going again, and since we’d made good time yesterday we only had about an hour left before arriving at the arena.

It was such a short amount of time, but it might as well have been an eternity after everything that transpired yesterday. The bus was too cramped, too claustrophobic when I was stuck with a man I have feelings for – who I’d cried on last night, another man I apparently had a date with tonight, and two more men that appeared to be itching to get me alone in some capacity.

The fact that I was a sweats-wearing, freshly-woken mess, with no current access to a shower, didn’t seem to deter them either. I’d seen myself in the small mirror of the bus toilet, and I was not looking my best with this little sleep. Yet when I glanced in Oli’s direction all I could see was a beautiful, flawlessly dishevelled man, positively dripping of as much sex appeal as ever.

How does he do that?

I shook my head. It was a mystery how someone could be that effortlessly hot at any given moment, and there was no use trying to decipher it.

My glance only lasted a split second, but he must have caught me looking since his text followed immediately.

“Oli: You’re stunning like that. Be careful, you’re gonna drive everyone else mad too.”

“Alice: Please, I look like a rat died in my hair.”

“Oli: Your hair’s perfect, makes you look freshly fucked. But I was mostly referring to skipping the bra.”

Heat crept up my neck as I looked down. In the awkward morning rush, I appear to have completely forgotten to put one on, causing my nipples to be extremely obvious in the thin, flimsy fabric of my shirt. It didn’t help that my breasts continuously bounced with the movement of the bus.

I shot out of my seat to head upstairs and correct my very unfortunately timed wardrobe error, but Mat instantly spoke up, stopping me from leaving.

“Didn’t wanna bother you, but if you’re up can you get me some more of those crisps, love?”

“It’s never a bother.” I said trying to come across as nice as possible, despite it absolutely being a bother right now, knowing it’s literally my job description to do whatever these men ask of me.

I’ve never felt as watched in my life as I reached into the top cabinet to retrieve the snack he’d requested, but Liam had shoved the packets back into the cabinet too haphazardly this morning, causing a number of them to fall onto the floor as I attempted to just dislodge one of the crisp packs. Instantly both Mat and Oli rushed to my aid, collecting them off of the floor, with Lee having stood up as well, but sat back down once he noticed how swiftly the others had reached me.

This was ridiculous, and had me wonder if it would be easier if Oli filled everyone in about us already.

“Thank you guys.” I said sheepishly while they were stuffing the snacks back into the cabinet, having sandwiched me between them, trapping me entirely too close to them. The tension between the two men was tangible, and more guilt was added to the already large guilt collection in my chest.

“Anytime, love.” Oli said, with Mat having spoken over him in the same beat, “No problem at all.”

They were only struggling to get the cabinet sorted for a short moment, but time seemed to slow down as they continuously brushed up against me, making me want to squeeze between them to escape. But knowing my plan would require me to press my body against both men fully, I recoiled from the idea and stayed put.

Once they were done Oli casually sat back down in his seat, appearing unbothered by the event. But Mat lingered in front of me, holding his hand out, questioning eyes meeting mine.

My gaze darted between his eyes and open palm anxiously, confusion rushing over me.

“Can I have my crisps, love?”

“Oh, yes– yes, of course.”

As soon as the awkward moment was over I rushed upstairs to essentially cover myself up, cause while I was enjoying revealing more of my body in general recently, this was not the time. Thankfully the rest of the trip lacked all focus on me, instead the lads had spent most of the time in an unusually docile state, either napping or zoning out, most likely to rest up before arriving at the arena considering how hectic the day would be.

To my surprise, while everything was a flurry of moving parts and constant stress, I was done with my tasks quicker than usual as the agency had called in an abundance of helping hands for this concert, which made sense with the time frame of today’s preparations, leaving me ample time to enjoy the arena showers and get ready for the gig and the small gathering thereafter.

Deciding on an outfit was infinitely harder than other nights. I’d put aside an unusually daring number; it was a short, black silk dress that plunged deeply between my tits, which would force me to go braless for the second time today.

But I’d selected this dress for Oli’s eyes, before tonight had turned into a sort-of, kind-of date with Mat.

I slipped the dress on, and it was as vulgar as I remembered – especially considering how I wasn’t allowed to wear any underwear – so I decided to cover up with an oversized, weathered sweater. Instantly switching my look from bombshell, to a completely casual, everyday look. The woman looking back at me in the mirror caused sadness to wash over me. It felt like a complete betrayal against my personal progress to cover up in oversized clothes again, but I knew tonight called for drastic measures. Yet the sight of myself pulled me right back to how I felt before coming on this tour. Suddenly I felt so small, so dull.

I shook myself internally, not wanting this feeling to take a hold of me. So in order to retain some of my personality progress, I paired my look with a deep, velvety, purple lipstick, so dark it looked almost black, turning my look a tad bit more grunge than casual.

I stepped out of the dressing room just in time to catch a glimpse of the band members heading towards the stage area before disappearing around a corner. The opening bands were all done, and it was almost time for the headliner of the night.

I met up with Liam backstage. The poor man looked dreadful after all the driving and working the past couple of days.

“Alright I’m all done here Alice, I’m heading back to the bus so you’re alone for the show tonight I’m afraid. The crew have things under control and I’d love to get a solid 12 hours of sleep, I’m fucking knackered.”

“No problem at all, please get some well deserved rest.”

He pulled me in for a massive bear hug, and spoke quietly next to my ear so his voice wouldn’t travel, “Good luck with the lads tonight. I heard Mat talking about you with Lee earlier. He seems quite smitten.”

My heart sank. When he pulled away his expression was full of pity.

“Thanks. I need all the luck I can get.”

I positioned myself in a dark corner next to the stage as usual, trying to not be in anyone's way. For each of their live performances I witnessed during the tour, it was becoming harder and harder to not feel emotional from the lyrics, with some lines starting to take on new meanings the closer I got to the main lyricist of the band. Obviously so much of it carried a lot of personal weight to him, causing my heart to ache as he so passionately performed on stage. He sang about trust issues, about loneliness, about hopelessness, and love. And halfway through the song ‘Doomed’ I had to hold back my tears, relating entirely too much to the song’s depiction of being an utterly broken, unsalvageable mess.

Once the show was over I decided to pitch in helping the crew with packing up the equipment and general cleanup. I knew the bands were already hanging out in one of the larger dressing rooms backstage, but I simply wasn’t ready to face them yet. Sadly, with the amount of help that was hired, it only took about an hour to prepare everything for the stage to be disassembled in the morning, leaving nothing left for me to do but join the others as the arena was suddenly eerily empty. Knowing that it would be too obvious that I was ignoring them if I didn’t stop procrastinating, I took a deep breath and stepped into the dressing room.

It wasn’t as crowded as I’d expected it to be, only about 20 people total in the windowless room filled with cheap seating, light up mirrors, and plenty of equipment trunks. It also smelled of cigarette smoke, and metal music was blaring out of some speakers in the corner.

As soon as I shut the door behind me I locked eyes with Mat across the room, causing him to instantly wave me over.

Crap.

Opposite him, sitting backwards on a fold up chair was an absolutely stunning woman, appearing so confident and sexy that I suddenly felt even smaller.

“Alice, love. Meet Courtney, she’s in Spiritbox.”

“Hi, oh, y-yes, of course, you w-were great out there.” I could feel my stutter worsening before I even opened my mouth – something I’d struggled with my whole life, and always triggered by new social situations.

Mat gestured for me to sit down next to him as I spoke; he had in fact saved a seat for me like he’d promised.

“Thank you so much, Alice. Are you Mat’s girlfriend then?”

Mat laughed a bit awkwardly, “Maybe if I play my cards right.” 

Both of them laughed, and I couldn’t help it, I felt myself starting to blush.

Courtney raked her eyes over me quickly, “So what do you do Alice?”

“I work f-for the touring team.”

I could see the judgement glaze over Courtney’s eyes as soon as I said it – as if I wasn’t important enough to continue talking to. I’ve seen that look on so many people the past month I knew exactly what it meant. It was mostly managers who wore the offending expression, but occasionally some opening band members did as well.

As the conversation continued – mostly between Courtney and Mat as I was feeling particularly shy tonight – I attempted to locate Oli in the crowd. I was about to conclude that  he wasn’t here when I spotted him in the mirror on the wall across from me; I hadn’t seen him because he was sitting directly behind me, just a couple of feet away, facing the opposite direction. A sense of comfort hit me at the sight of his long, brown, fluffy hair in the mirror, completely tousled from the concert. He was still in the night's stage clothes, which consisted of a bright red matching set, with trousers that were tight in all the right places, and a loose, crop cut jacket that showed off a lot of his ink work when he moved.

I took note of the fact that he hadn’t said a single word since I sat down, made obvious by the fact that I would have heard him clear as day from this distance.

After a beat Courtney excused herself, leaving just me and Mat sitting together.

“So, Alice. Tell me a little about yourself, what’s your passion in life?”

I hated this question, as I was currently completely void of passions besides being choked by one of his best friends.

“I don’t really have a lot going on at the m-moment I’m afraid.” Usually being alone with Mat got rid of my stutter due to his calming nature, but knowing Oli was listening in had me on edge. I also felt like a complete loser, not just from my pathetic answer to his question, but who was I kidding, I really didn’t fit into this world where everyone was oozing with confidence, dedication, and fame.

He gave me a thoughtful look, “That’s alright, it’s nice to not have a lot going on all the time.”

I appreciated his attempt at making me feel less awkward, but I was starting to become nauseous from how out of place I felt in this room.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” I said in a barely audible voice, looking down at my hands in my lap.

He spoke up before I had a chance to leave, “Hey– I’m sorry if I’ve pushed you too much, and I was only joking with the whole girlfriend thing... Although I have to say, you’re pretty fantastic, Alice. But I promise you, there’s no pressure here.”

I dared to meet his eyes again, they were swimming with sympathy.

He took a breath and smiled, “What if we start with something a bit easier? I was born in Maltby – small town outside Sheffield. How about you?”

Mat was sweet and caring, and deserved someone who could reciprocate all his efforts. Even though I knew that wasn’t me, we ended up making smalltalk for a while. I learned about his family, his pets, and where he liked to travel in the world and why. We talked about favourite tv shows, and movies, and before I knew it the conversation flowed effortlessly, and while there were no sparks flying, it was like catching up with an old friend.

That’s when I noticed Oli stand up and take long strides towards the exit.

“I’m so sorry, I just remembered, I need to make a quick phone call.” Was all I could think of to say before I essentially ran after him.

But Oli was fast, and when I left the dressing room he was already disappearing into the stage entrance at the very end of the corridor.

“Oli, wait!” I yelled after him, knowing the loud music from the dressing room would drown out my shout.

But he didn’t stop.

I ran down the corridor, through the black backstage curtains, swerving around packed up equipment and props until I got to the steps leading to the stage itself.

That’s when I saw him.

... Subscribe to the story on Ao3 for future updates

Chapter notes: I'd just like to quickly apologise to all the fellow Spiritbox fans. I'm sure Courtney is lovely, I just needed someone to be a bit judgemental for the story.

#oli sykes #oli sykes smut #oli sykes fic #oli sykes fan fiction #bring me the horizon #smut #You got a taste now #The next chapter is already done and will probably be posted tomorrow #oli sykes x reader

[headhedgehog]

Kunigami happily accepted a cup of tea from his sister-in-law as she joined him on the couch. His husband was sprawled on the floor next to his tiny niece, watching with rapt attention as she reached for toys just out of her reach.

"Okay, kiddo, warp speed," Chigiri said to the baby, gently scooping her up and moving her closer to the toys. "Uncle Hyoma will have you running all over the place before you know it."

"Hyoma, please, I've only got so much energy," Chigiri's sister moaned from the couch. "Let her take her time to start running, okay?"

Chigiri shot her his best annoying-little-brother grin and turned his attention back to the baby.

"He's better with her than I expected," Chigiri's sister said to Kunigami. "He's never been much of a kid person. Classic youngest child, y'know?"

"She may have converted him, he talks about her all the time. He's very excited to be Bad Influence Uncle Hyoma when she's older."

"Goddamnit." She took a beat, watching her brother with a soft expression on her face. "Have you two thought about having your own?"

"What, by magic?"

"Stop it, you know there are plenty of ways for gay couples to have children."

"Now you sound like my mother." Kunigami watched his husband giggle at the baby's attempts to mimic his expressions. "I always thought I'd be a father some day, but when we got married I let it go. Hyoma told me he didn't want kids before I proposed and that's okay with me. Hyoma's enough."

The baby started to fuss, and Chigiri stood and scooped her up, snuggled her to his chest. She settled almost immediately and cuddled closer to her uncle. Within a few minutes, she was asleep.

"Sorry Hyoma, I think you might be stuck like that for a bit," his sister said.

"I don't mind, let her sleep."

Watching Chigiri sway gently with the sleeping girl, his thumb gently rubbing the back of her head, did something to Kunigami's heart. Chigiri just looked right holding a baby, in spite of his prickly, anything-but-gentle personality. Kunigami had always been the more domestic of the two, had always valued a peaceful, comfortable home life above almost all else after his turn in the Wild Card program. But even he didn't have the same ease with children that Chigiri had with his niece.

Maybe, he realized, he wasn't totally ready to give up on the idea of fatherhood.

----------------------------------------

Whether Kunigami was ready to be a father or not turned out to matter less than whether he was ready to broach the subject with his husband.

Over the following weeks, Chigiri fell into a depression that left him tired and crabby. They'd rode out several episodes like this before, and Kunigami knew from experience it was no time to ask Chigiri to think very deeply about anything. Kunigami turned his attention to making sure Chigiri ate a decent amount and drank water.

Unfortunately, a depressed Chigiri was not a chatty Chigiri, which meant Kunigami had space to spiral.

By the time he sat on the couch two weeks later, Chigiri's head on his lap, Kunigami had convinced himself that not only would his husband never want a baby, but that even suggesting a baby would be the end of their marriage.

"Okay, Hero, what's going on with you?" Chigiri asked, eyes still closed as he leaned into Kunigami's fingers scratching his scalp.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm laying right next to your stomach, babes, you've got a riot going on in there," Chigiri heaved himself up so he could look at his husband. "And usually when I'm in a funk you talk at me constantly and you've been quiet for days. What's bothering you?"

"It's nothing, just a work issue that's been stuck in my mind, nothing to worry about."

Chigiri narrowed his eyes. "A work issue? What's happening at work?"

"Argument with a player. They...are refusing to follow concussion protocol."

"Who?"

"You wouldn't know him."

"Ren, you're a medic for Manshine."

"Right."

"I play for Manshine. I know all of the players. Nobody's been out for a concussion lately."

"It just happened...in the weight room. Yesterday."

Chigiri scooted further away to better look at Kunigami's whole body.

"Why are you lying to me, Rensuke?"

Kunigami looked away. His cheeks were hot.

"If you don't tell me what's going on right now I'm going to lose my goddamned mind."

"You look really adorable and happy with your niece and I want to talk about kids with you! But you've always said you don't want them and I'm afraid you're going to get upset!"

Chigiri blinked at him.

"You want a baby?"

"...yes. I think so. Or I want to think about it? Maybe a kid, if we adopt?"

"Didn't we decide we weren't doing the kid thing?"

"Yes, that's the point of revisiting the subject."

Chigiri blinked and sat back onto the couch. Kunigami's ears were ringing and his heart was racing. He wondered, distantly, if he was having a stroke.

"I don't hate the idea as much as I used to," Chigiri said finally.

"What?"

"You're right, I've really enjoyed helping my sister with the baby. And I like watching you take care of people at work, you're really good at it. So...yeah. I don't hate the idea of having a kid as much as I used to."

"Is that a yes?"

Chigiri laughed, leaned in to kiss Kunigami's cheek. "It's a 'lets think about it.'"

______________________________________

Kunigami's alarm went off and he rolled over, intent on cuddling his husband for a bit before getting up. But the other side of the bed was empty, the blankets tucked tightly around his body.

Confused, he padded out to the kitchen only to be met with the adorable sight of Chigiri making breakfast while holding their baby girl on his hip, happily chatting with her as if she were responding.

"How long have you been up? I didn't even hear her cry," Kunigami said as he kissed them both.

"She didn't, I'm just on her schedule now."

Kunigami hummed and took the little girl so Chigiri could use both hands to cook. Kunigami's sister had been their surrogate, and she was Chigiri's clone with soft pink hair and eyes and features that looked angular even with her baby fat. Even so, Kunigami could see hints of his family in her expressions and height, far taller than average for her age.

She giggled and tugged at the loose ends of hair sticking out of Chigiri's bun. Kunigami grabbed her tiny hand, her fingers wrapped around his thumb. He grinned, kissed Chigiri again. He'd never been so happy.

#bllk chigiri #queer chigiri hyoma #chigiri hyoma #bllk #blue lock #bllk fic #fanfic #bllk kunigami #kunigiri #kunigami #kunigami rensuke #queer fluff #queer blue lock fluff #kunigiri fluff #kunigiri as parents #dad!chigiri #dad!kunigami

[eloquentmoon]

after three months the bitch is back!!!!

weird stream of consciousness update below the cut

during my hiatus i completely dropped out of my star wars fixation which was insanely weird because ive been deep in it for over two years. it threw me tf off because i became fixated on an old white man from a horror movie franchise instead????? i loved him when i was like 14 but didn't realise why i was so into him like i remember being young and attracted to this stupid man and being mad at myself for not being able to stop thinking about him and being so confused about it. but then i recently rewatched the movies and it hit me that bitch iM THIRSTING FOR HIM and now im not only writing fic for him but SMUT for an OLD WHITE MAN. HUMAN MAN!!! HUMAN!!!! who would ever think we'd see the day when lil moonie was writing for a HUMAN instead of an alien???????? not ME!!!! i know some of y'all saw my ao3 updates and were like tf is happening??? bitch idk either. im just horny ig.

anyway.

im back. again. now the heat from the white man obsession is cooling off slightly im back dabbling in the sw universe again, mainly space gays, my oc mimi being a lil lesbian whore. maul is on my mind again, always. and ofc wolfwren my pretty little lesbian emo girls UGH. i read the britney memoir and the inspo and motivation for mimi has returned so maybe ill play more with her and my OCs and the mimiverse in general ahhhhh

otherwise, im still broke!!! still mentally ill!!!!! nothing much else has changed except im kicking ass with recovery and will be discharged from services soon (yay me!)

im gonna be way less serious with fandom and not get as obsessive about it moving forward so expect a stupid amount of shit posting and any drama will be immediately curb stomped (blocked). and i will be less weird about everything (hopefully) but just as unhinged (definitely)

lol happy halloween happy november happy fall remember to prepare yourself for S.A.D season honey, it's here and the depression is ready to strike

love u

#moonie talks #beepboopweewoo

[starsdoart]

Welcome!!

ᯓᡣ𐭩 my name is Star, I am 18, an asexual lesbian, and I use she/her pronouns

ᯓᡣ𐭩 this is a side blog for my main account @starsthewitch that i made for art and writing purposes! i don’t want my spiritual practice and my works to be in the same space and be all cluttered

ᯓᡣ𐭩 i have 3 comics in the works at the moment and hopefully more to come. the comics are called VYNL, The Worlds Broken Hearth, and Someko meets Someko, all of which i plan on posting about

ᯓᡣ𐭩 when i’m not focusing on writing lore for my comics, i write and draw things for my ocs instead! i have a lottttt of them, more than 30 which i absolutely adore, they aren’t apart of the comics but i’ll just post about them anyway

ᯓᡣ𐭩 i play dnd! so i’ll be posting things about my character as well

ᯓᡣ𐭩 i’ve been drawing for as long as i can remember, but only took it seriously when i was in the 8th grade. writing is something i’ve always done as well, but the first comic i wrote and drew was when i was a freshman in highschool

ᯓᡣ𐭩 just like it says on my main blog, i don’t mind if minors interact with me as long as things are kept appropriate, same goes for older audiences

ᯓᡣ𐭩 i’m always open to making new art and writer friends so please feel free to dm me! my asks are always open so if you want to ask me anything about what i create, also feel free!

ᯓᡣ𐭩 safe space for those who are neurodivergent, i have ADHD :D

ᯓᡣ𐭩 average DNI criteria, no racists, ableists, homophobes, proshippers, aphobes, biphobes, bigots, free palestine antis, race fetishizers (please actually do not interact with me i don't want this on my feed at all.) etc.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 i am a black, neurodivergent, gay woman. any disrespect towards any of those fronts will have you or your comment immediately blocked or deleted

ᯓᡣ𐭩 my commissions are open! i just need to make an official post about them, you can dm me if you’d like one :))

Reminder:

i wont be able to post consistently, i still go to school, i have finals coming up, i have a job, i’m in the process of moving, and i’m getting ready to go to college! so please bear with me during this time ^^

#art #artwork #traditional art #artists on tumblr #my art #digital art #oc art #original art #oc #ocs #my ocs #oc rp #oc artist #writing #writers on tumblr #writer stuff #writeblr #comic #comic art #original comic #dnd #introduction #painting #writers and poets #writerscommunity #original character #original charater art

[marinersubmariner]

I finished Jedi Survivor, gotta blab about it!

SPOILER SPACE

BODE?!??!??!? I kept thinking he was gonna die, especially in the lead-up to the final Dagan fight—they gave him so many hallmarks of a tragic death that I never suspected a classic video game companion betrayal (one of my favorite things!!!)! So that twist threw me for a LOOP, not just the betrayal but then the reveal that HE WAS A JEDI TOO WHAAAATTTTTT!!??!?!?! Absolutely bananas.

It's funny because Dagan's death felt pretty anticlimactic, and I knew the game wasn't over yet so I was like… what else is there? And I still couldn't have anticipated how OH SHIT the "what else" part could be.

Because then it's PLAYABLE CERE!!!! Which was so fun because she felt SO powerful to play as, and the whole time I was reeling about the betrayal and why am I Cere now what the fuck what the fuck what the fuccckkkkk. And then as soon as the door opened on Vader I instantly got teary-eyed because I knew exactly how that was gonna end. Of COURSE you're out-of-left-field playing as Cere for her last stand. ;___; Of COURSE they couldn't include Vader just for the player to narrowly escape again. ;___; Cere wasn't even my favorite character and she felt so distant in this game, but having her death take place amidst the destruction of the archive that she'd been building that whole time, plus HER LAST WORD BEING "TRILLA," plus BEING MURDERED BY VADER EXACTLY LIKE TRILLA... way to make it as painful as it could possibly be!!!!!! I gotta say, not only do these games make Vader VERY scary, they also make me hate him more than ever. FUCK YOOOOUUU MURDER MACHINE

I am shocked they went all-in on Cal/Merrin just because… romance in Star Wars????? Since when??? Hahahahaaaa…….. I kid, I kid, we have fun. I love them. Although my main inclination in the first game was Cal/Trilla (it was immediately after TROS and the extreme Reylo of it got to me!!) and somewhere along the way I had gotten the impression that Merrin was a lesbian (or maybe that's just the default Nightsister vibe). But truly I consider everyone in SW to be bi/pan/ace/anything but fully straight, so honestly, whatever. Related side note: I was really pleasantly surprised by the directness about how many supporting characters here were gay!

I LOVED the first kiss followed by the totally bonkers portal-jumping battle, that was such cool teamwork. And the end of the game was sooooo saaaad but thankfully they both lived and so now I'm real emo about the orphan Jedi and the orphan witch and how far they've come since she tried to kill him. 😭

Backtracking a bit I REALLY enjoyed Dagan getting dumped out of the bacta tank, getting pissed off, and IMMEDIATELY bleeding his crystal. It was very ooooohhh SHIT dude making some major life decisions here!! So cool! So dramatic! Escalated so quickly! I'm pleased that I did end up enjoying Dagan a decent amount, because going into this I was annoyed by a) not liking Cody Fern's face and b) not liking the High Republic aesthetic.

Honestly I was very ready to dislike both Dagan and Bode because I was really not happy with the previews showing they added a bunch of dudes while hiding Merrin and Cere, and Trilla being dead…… blugh. But thankfully trailers are misleading and there was plenty of Merrin. (and her surprise entrance was THRILLLINNGGGG) And the dudes were alright and they wound up dead anyway. So! …Hm.

IT WAS SO SAD. I'M SO SAD. The "Ghost Star" lullaby was so pretty and haunting and it messed me up BAD, because of course I'm not just thinking of this game I'm thinking of all my dead Star Wars friends (and obvs one ghost in particular…….. sob). There are so many. Star Wars is littered with corpses. AND IT'S SO SAD.

Cal using the dark side was craazzzyyyyyy and when the first prompt for it came on screen I was like "uh oh!!!! I don't wanna." Wild how becoming more powerful in a video game can be so fun and so upsetting at the same time. I did actually die in the final fight with Bode because I refused to tap into the dark side when prompted, lol. I was like "maybe if I don't do it something different will happen!" Haha, nope! USE THE DARK SIDE OR DIE. Which is an interesting moral quandary for Star Wars, because if the dark side is always more powerful 100% of the time, and there are certain situations where it's either fight a dark side opponent or die… what does the Force really want you to do? Stick to the light side and be defeated? Is the ultimate end goal of the Force for everything to die and become one with it? AH JEEZ

Part of me expected Tanalorr to not work out in the end, because "magical top secret planet where we can hide and be safe forever" is obviously too good to be true. But I also think every pre-OT story is always having to find an out for why these characters weren't around for the OT, so in that sense of course Tanalorr had to work out! It's the perfect loophole for this time period! It just felt like every story beat was pointing to the dream of Tanalorr being too much of a corrupting influence—Dagan lost his arm, Santari, and then his life because he refused to let go, and then Bode did the same, and I thought it would come down to Cal also facing that dark path and being forced to give up the dream, like by having to choose between Merrin and Tanalorr. In Grail quests you always have to give up the Grail! But no, now they're really gonna live in the ethereal weird forbidden promised land. FEELS CREEPY BUT OKAY

On the one hand I do kind of wish there had been more planets to explore—it felt strange for the journey to be less expansive than Fallen Order. But there was still so much to do on Koboh and they had some cool locations in there nonetheless. I'm just greedy for ~*~galactic exploration~*~! Anyway they made up for it with the strong story, because I think the plot and character work in this one were even better than Fallen Order.

I'm not sure how to piece it all together but I liked the small late-game talk of Vader and the Inquisitorius acting outside of regular Imperial command, when you're undercover and you get the scoop that there's a rivalry with the ISB and that the Jedha attack that happened was not the Jedha attack that was planned. Empire/Sith infighting, Vader vs. Tarkin and Krennic, how does stifled ISB employee Dedra Meero fit into all this, hm hm hm much to think about. Bode was a former Jedi being used by the Empire but he wasn't an Inquisitor—it was the same thing in the end but the particular type of tragedy was different. Wizards in the Empire but the Empire hates wizards, which type of leash are they gonna put you on and who's actually holding the leash?

Fav saloon regulars: TURGLE, of course I knew everybody loved Turgle, what a goober, A+, amazing frog; Caij, because apparently it's a biological imperative that all Nautolans are cool as hell; best bartender Monk; and I particularly enjoyed all the conversations with Tulakt and Moran.

Of course I was thrilled when I first encountered Skoova, his little hover fishing schooner was the BEST. Just an absolutely stellar amount of funky alien dudes in this game.

The powerful heavy swings that the crossguard stance uses…… hehehehehehehehehe. Where did they get that idea I wonder!!!!!! The only thing is that I don't like how small and thin the High Republic-style quillons are, so the aesthetic isn't as satisfying and proportional as Kylo's saber. You gotta beef up those crossguards fellas!

I didn't know that there was an interim story to explain why Greez has a prosthetic arm now, so I was like "did I really forget THAT MUCH of Fallen Order?" Even I can't keep up with all these Star Wars! I liked Greez a lot in the first game (MY PLANT GUY!!!!) but I really loved him even more in this one—he seemed much softer than I remember with his devotion to Cal and their whole family unit. And his braided hair of course delighted me.

And speaking of delightful new hair: Merrin's haircut! I LOVE HER SO MUCH. They gave her so much great deadpan humor while also enhancing her emotional maturity, so not only is she still super cool she's also soft and nice when it's called for, and I'M SO GLAD SHE DIDN'T DIE.

Kata is extremely cute and I'm already dreading her looming apprenticeship and the long-term outcome of who makes it to the next generation. I'm always having to remind myself of the bigger picture that Cal is older than Luke. And I certainly can't handle the thought of old Cal or dead Cal, but when you add kids into the mix, that's where this is headed!!!!!!

I took so many goddamn screencaps I'm probably only gonna post a minuscule fraction of them, but there were so many good aesthetic things and fun details to look at. And honestly part of my excessive snapping away involved lofty notions of using things as fanart reference. I LOVED all the new hair and wardrobe options because I absolutely just used Cal for Ben Solo AU cosplay. 🤪😎🤩✌️💀 The windswept hair is so good!!!! I mean I mainly chose it to look like Ben but it also just looked really good on Cal, to the point where it's hard to see him with short hair anymore, although I really should try out some of the goofier looks. (so many facial hair options that I hate and look stupid on precious ginger babyface!!!)

I just get soooooo excited about being able to explore and take pictures inside a Star Wars thing, and play dress-up and pick hairstyles and decorate and do all that silly life sim stuff but in space! Games capture such a unique experience of discovering worldbuilding minutiae, and I love having the ability to just look at things and take in the environment at your own pace, it makes me so happy. Even the goofy LEGO game gave me that feeling. It's just so nice! I love wandering! Observing! Interacting! Running my little guys around! Having my own experience that can't be easily ruined by a shitty story!

It's made me reminisce about playable Kylo and Rey in Battlefront and how I wish you could combine them with the exploration/story/gameplay style of the Jedi games and the [nearest approximation of] post-canon Ben Solo of the LEGO game, and THAT would probably be my ideal Star War (outside of, you know, a new movie that checks off every single item on my impossible wish list hahahaaagdhagdsf). Dress them up and customize their lightsabers and their home base and their spaceship and give them a droid friend and a garden and take them on new adventures on new planets… The Dream 😭

I actually started ruminating on whether I can do screencap mashups of Battlefront character models in Survivor outfits/environments, because I can't do mods, I am just a simple photoshopper and console gamer, but I want to pretend!!!!!! The problem is I don’t really like the Battlefront faces because they all look dead in the eyes. :/ The idea I settled on is that I might do some straight-up redraws instead. (WE'LL SEE. But the fact that I'm even mentioning this should tell you how completely lost in the sauce I am.) I briefly went looking and of course people have made Ben Solo mods for Survivor, but what you really gotta do is graft Cal's customization options onto Bode's body type or else it doesn't look right. Y'KNOW?!?? Size… matters……… I'm so sorry Yoda

Anyway!!!!!! Excellent gaming experience despite being terrible at Jedi parkour! Now back to tending my garden, hunting down post-game Force echoes, and rearranging Cal's wardrobe

#star wars #jedi survivor #sw meta #time once again for another round of star wars word vomit #will i find a way to make it about benjamin organa solo? you bet!! #coincidentally posting this while the reylos are melting down on twitter 🙃 every day i am in pain

[zarasu]

Ok but in all honesty? I love scum villain. Because, well, it really took the most repressed, unlikeable character ever and gave him the best possible coming out story he could have gotten.

Now, I'm not saying the plot itself is easy for him. Obviously, he died a lot, was afraid and went through a bit of character development.

But the coming out aspect of it? Please.

He transmigrated into a world that is relatively accepting of gays (at least from what we saw), into a person who's hot and in a position of power and wealth and was immediately surrounded by attractive guys.

Even more, he got to build an emotional bond to Binghe and be affectionate with him before any romance ever started (at least for Sqq). So when Binghe came back, Sqq was afraid, but he was also sure that he loves him, in a way.

But seriously, to have the hottest guy of the world chasing after you, desperately wanting your booty? All the scenes where Binghe just took what he wanted, dominantly overwhelming or cornering Sqq, while Sqq could pretend that he didn't want this at all.

And then the end scene where Sqq literally saved the world(!) by having gay sex(!!) What was he supposed to do? Say no?? Even a straight man would have taken it up the ass to save the whole world.

And after, he practically had to marry Binghe! Lest he do it all again!

Everything that happens in the story conveniently absolves him from any responsibility for his feelings while, in the end, he still gets the hottest man alive as his husband without losing the position or prestige he has.

It's so perfect that I'm sometimes wondering if it isn't a little too perfect. Even his deaths happen right when he's in a gay situation but not ready to commit to it yet!

If I didn't know better, I'd almost say that sv reads like a fantasy Shen Yuan came up with himself.

(Do I know better?)

But regardless, I'm grateful that I discovered scum villain, as funny as that sounds. It's such an incredibly kind story for a character who is as fragile and afraid of his own wants and identity as Shen Yuan.

Since I joined the scum villain fandom, I learned so much about myself, mostly by projecting onto Shen Yuan as hard as I could😂 I've grown more comfortable with my own wants and identity and the people in this fandom played a big part in that.

So, thank you to Shen Yuan for allowing every repressed queer person to live vicariously through you, and thanks to the fandom for making this such a welcoming space<3

#svsss #svsss meta #shen qingqiu #cheesy as fuck #read at your own risk #coming out story

[problematicfanfics]

One Night Stand (WIP)

TOMBUR, 18+ characters, consensual, guilt

no NSFW (yet)

lowercase intentional. ignore all errors.

* ⋆★

there was no “wilbur” without tommy, just as there was no “tommy” without wilbur.

they joined voice calls almost perfectly in sync. video ideas perpetually flowed between the two of them. every sentence between them seemed perfectly planned, comedic timing without flaw and wit beyond, without ever having actually been.

wilbur and tommy joked. It was sort of their thing. everything from family dinners, or even sunday morning church, to crude language and sex jokes.

but there seemed to be a shift in energy ever since tommy turned 18.

“Did you just say COME??” tommy screamed at wilbur through the headset.

wilbur winced at the noise despite the lack of camera. it was 2 am, and nothing with their late night talks had changed…

except for the fact that tommy was now eighteen.

wilbur pushed the thought from his head. he never bothered counting down the days until his best companion was legal. it wasn’t even a thought until now.

there were MANY different things… for example, tommy now lived with new people. and he lived in a new neighborhood. now that he thought about it, maybe it was tommy’s lack of concern for school in the morning.

the more thought that went into it the more tommy looked like an adult in wilbur’s eyes. he was an accomplished man now. he was on his own, save with the few questions he reached out to wilbur with about leaving the nest.

but he knew it wasn’t true.

sure, looking at it face value, tommy was a man. but wilbur knows him. wilbur saw him skip classes to play games with him, wilbur reported back to his mom if he was up past his bedtime, wilbur always played a sort of brotherly-role in his life. so for those walls to be broken down and now be seen as equals…

it felt foreign.

wilbur didn’t know how to act. how to not treat him like a child and instead like a man.

“really? cum??”

“i’d like to see your cum.”

wilbur held his breath. normally, he would’ve yelled at tommy, told him off for such a lewd joke at his age.

but he has every right to make that joke now.

wilbur would just have to cope.

all he could do was groan. “oh, god, tommy…” he laughed, his snicker fading in and out with tubbo’s.

“well, wasn’t expecting that…” tommy mumbled under his breath in a hurry. his tone was light, airy, almost playful.

wilbur wondered what he meant by that.

“tommy, what’re you playing?” tubbo asked.

“peep the discord, tubs.”

“you said that in the most uncool manner ever.”

“i’m just a trend setter,” tommy complimented himself, leaning back on his chair. “wouldn’t you say, wilbur?”

wilbur rolled his eyes. if he was going to treat tommy like a man, he’d get the full package. “i would disagree. you’re actually quite unfunny without me.”

“you can’t say that and mean it. i think we work quite well together, wilbur.”

“i feel like you meant for that to have some type of double meaning.” wilbur was reaching, he knew he was, but he just wanted to keep reaching. he wanted to give it meaning. a meaning for him, a little secret he never shared.

tubbo’s laughter came ringing back into wilbur’s ears. “you give him too much credit, wil. he doesn’t have the brain space for double meaning jokes, let alone gay jokes.”

tommy’s laughter filled wilbur’s headphones. in a hurry he removed them from his head, ripping the wires away from his body.

his ears were met with his own hearing damage, a low ringing he couldn’t shake through the absolute stillness of the room.

faint lighting had been his only supply of vitamin D for the last week, his eyes hurt when unfocused from his screen. he was in a particular dry spell when it came to women (and friends), so he turned to those he already had strong connections with to keep his spirits up instead of forming new relationships.

hesitantly, he placed the headphones back on his head. he wasn’t sure if he was ready to return back to the younger boy’s fast paced conversations.

immediately he was thrown on his toes by tommy.

“ey, wil! oyv, pussyfoot!”

“oyv, bruv!” wilbur yelled back at him. “have we gota problem?”

“we thought you died” the younger two laugh. tubbo speaks up. “tommy asked you a question.”

“ovy sorry mate, what’s up?”

“i was wondering if you were free to come by my house any time soon. i feel like you should really see me and my flatmates in our element. ash has been askin’ for ya.”

wilbur laughs, leaning back in his chair and pulling the mic with him. “ash speaks?”

“no, but he’s been leavingu these really cryptic messages around the house that vaguely mention you.”

“i still say ash is a witch,” tubbo starts. “he’s definitely hexing us all right now in his room.”

wilbur removes his headphones just in time, ash coming crashing into tommy’s room banging on the walls to annoy tubbo, screaming coming from both boys.

wilbur poured himself a glass of water while he waited for the calm after the storm.

he quickly slipped back into his thoughts as the screaming of tommy raised louder through his headsets.

tommy was still very much a kid. it was all in the voice, the way he presented himself. really he still acted like a child, especially around wilbur.

the little things like asking for a blanket instead of getting one himself, asking wilbur questions when he’s curious instead of just googling them, constant pestering and waltzing like he owns everything.

tommy is still a child.

but the big red 18 above his head says otherwise.

now he was overthinking it. over thinking every time he grabbed tommy too rough, the “manhandling” as tommy called it so often.

was tommy right?

would people really think he was a nonce if he was any less attractive?

definitely. and now the idea is seeping into his brain and bright red alarms are going off in his head.

he always acted rough with tommy. he always grabbed him and tossed him around. he just now realizes how light the boy is.

his brain thinks of the worst possible situations.

was he making tommy uncomfortable? did tommy ever feel scared to be around him? i mean, their physical difference is a lot. maybe it’s too much for him.

but also, at this point, tommy would’ve told him. yeah, there’s no way he would’ve let it slide this whole time.

his vision goes straight, and with a final swig of his water he puts the headphones back on.

“-but honestly, at the end of the day, i don’t think i miss it all that much.” tommy finished.

“what are you guys talkin’ about?”

“school shit,” tubbo replies, ignoring his long absence. “tommy and i were wondering if we missed it at all. i feel like content creators are just a different bread man. i don’t think i've heard one content creator say they enjoy school.”

“i mean, wouldn’t you kinda say that we make money doing everything school told us what exactly not to do?” tommy questions. wilbur can’t see him but he knows he’s not speaking into the mic. he’s probably fiddling with his jumper knowing him.

“like what?”

“sharing our information online, meeting strangers, sitting on our arses, no going outside for an hour a day, gaming, showing your face on the internet for everyone to judge, letting what are essentially strangers into our houses for the sake of content.”

“strangers is a strong word i’d say. i don’t think you're really strangers after a certain point.” wilbur comments.

the boys sit for a minute on the topic, no words exchanged. finally tommy raises his voice. “i mean i guess you’re right. by my logic tubbo is just a stranger, which sounds very wrong to say.”

“i hope we never get there,” they laugh together.

#pmcyt #poppytwt #problematicmcyt #problematictwt #problematic #problematicfanfics #tombur #poppyblr #ver’s WIP poll

[bengiyo]

The Warp Effect Ep 9 Stray Thoughts

Last time, we solved the current issues for Army and Kat. Kat teased a relationship with Jean, and now I need it. Kat also made me think about I May Destroy You all week, so there's that, too. Army and Joe learned how to be intimate in a way both could enjoy with Alex's help (clearly the most comfortable straight man). Kim is pregnant, but it seems like she doesn't want to keep it; Ice is excited to become a dad. Also, Nim and Bew broke up because Bew is going to America and is jealous of Mollie.

We're jumping right in to Jedi and Rose, who seem good about checking in when they go out. Unfortunately for Rose, Jedi clearly has an STD he's been avoiding dealing with.

Kinda interesting that the image for Jedi and Rose was witnessed by Alex, whereas in the others it feels like some other camera captured the image.

Oh, I do like Army leading with their HIV status. If Jedi is out there being unsafe, there's many debilitating things he could pick up and give to Rose. She has every right to be furious with him.

Due to the supernatural, I'll forgive this not-doctor and actual doctor disclosing patient information to others.

See-ew is wearing a Space Force shirt.

I don't think I had considered much which doctors trans women would visit about their sexual health depending on what paths they chose to pursue for gender confirmation.

Nim is pregnant, and Army's desire to be involved is giving me Queer as Folk vibes.

Okay, the excited little gay wiggle Fluke Pusit did for Army's mirth about becoming a father was good. He's talented, and treating this character seriously.

Good of Alex to cap off that conversation by reminding Nim that it's her choice and all of the men present support her. Alex is intriguing as a character, because he's still basically 18.

Very uncomfortable about pregnant Kim having alcohol and hanging out around smokers.

Chaladee and Phuwin are pretty good together. She's got to convey a lot of different feelings here, and Phuwin is responding in character as Ice really well. Managing an unwanted pregnancy when the non-pregnant partner wants it is not simple, and I like the way they're grounding Kim's reluctance. It's especially notable because we go back to the movie set, and Kim is clearly thriving here.

Yes, I am here for Mollie getting to loom.

Joong is very attractive, and I prefer when he has to bring more energy to his acting. GMMTV seems obsessed with making him play quieter and cool characters.

Babies are not a punishment for mistakes. It's also (currently) legal to get an abortion at this stage. I know the show is setting up this conversation to hammer home the point, and I'm going to reiterate it.

Oh, Jean. Also glad that we're acknowledging that any medical procedure can be scary, and few of us want to face that alone.

It was a very good choice to follow that scene with Ice talking to Alex. Despite their fraught relationship, Alex is still his brother, and he's a specialist on women's health issues. Alex steers Ice away from making the issue about him.

The timing of much of this is good. I like Army a lot here. He shares that he's actually excited at the prospect of becoming a parent, is willing to do it with Nim, and assures her he'll still respect her choice.

Interesting development! Jedi insists that he only has sex with Rose.

Joe and Army can't have one big moment without someone rolling up and immediately reaching for their phone. Goddamn. Y'all need to leave people the fuck alone. Joe isn't ready to be out, and he's going to blame Army for this because he came to the school.

The homoeroticism of laying on the floor after exerting yourselves together. We stay winning.

Placing Jan where her eyes would sparkle when she looked at Silvy was a gorgeous choice.

Jojo said, but what if the whole show was second chance romances??

I like that Nim and Mollie solved their own problem after others helped them with unrelated problems. It's a gentle message about how caring helps beyond the initial instance.

Is dressing like a flight attendant related in any way to what Captain did to Kat?

Another interesting development! Kat says Rose also insists she doesn't have sex with other people.

Alex thinking he possibly gave HPV to Kat was funny.

Newwie is actually pretty good in this role.

Oh, the mirror is a nice choice in the reconciliation between Jedi and Rose. They can finally face each other properly and clearly. They wanted to try being open, but realized it wasn't what they actually wanted. Still, I am invested in the answer about where they got infected.

I like how many scenes do double-duty in this show. We see Kat back on the wagon while also learning that Tony isn't a player.

Viruses are so annoying. I like the way this plotline with Jedi and Rose wrapped.

And look at Ice also coming through.

Jean looks so good.

So many problems next week! Liu is being harassed at work. Mollie is mad at Nim. Joe is being shoved deeper into the closet. Kat and Jean come to some big moment about Alex. Goddamn.

#the warp effect #thai drama #Ben watches

[lilphoe]

Fear of thunder

Me and Eleven were currently with our friends. Hopper told us it's better to stay at Mike's since it will thunder soon and he will pick us up in the morning. Me and El were currently with Mike, Lucas and Will. Dustin wasn't here because he was visiting Susie. We had an extra guest too called Jess who was the girlfriend of Lucas now. I figured out why me and Lucas weren't working out.

It's because I'm gay along with Eleven but it took her a bit longer to figure it out. Mike also discovered he was too and is now with Will. We were all talking currently and tried to reach Dustin but the signal wasn't great at our end.

"I'm just heading to the bathroom," El announced to us making sure we knew.

She always did that even if we said she didn't have to but it made her stress if she didn't so we all said it was ok to her. I guessed it was because of the lab and them wanting to know her every movement. I would probably do the same if I was her. There was a sudden explosion of light outside followed by a crash of thunder making us all jump.

The lights flickered as the rain pounded hard against the windows. We decided to turn on the night light which we charged all day to prepare for this which was a good thing because seconds later the power went out. We kept talking for a bit until Mike pointed something out making us all a bit worried.

"El is taking a while," Mike stated.

I noticed that too and told them I would check up on her. This weather probably triggered bad memories for her. Even if it was years since she had been in the lab, it would take a while before she healed from it. I put my phone flashlight on and went to the bathroom. When I made it I saw she was shaking and crying. I made quiet taps on the door to let her know I was there so I didn't frighten her.

She looked up immediately and made grabby hands at me. I went down to her level and held her tight.

"Loud sound scary, no like," she spoke with shaky breaths.

I noticed she was little, it happened many times before when we started dating. It happened with Mike too but he wasn't so understanding about it. I explained to him when I noticed it and did research. He was a bit more ok with it and I also told the others as well. I'm glad that we had supportive friends. She involuntarily regresses a lot but I know how to make her calm again.

I mean it makes sense why she does since she was experimented on her whole life and never got a proper childhood. Her little age was 0-4 since it was the easiest time for her then.

"Yes little one it is scary but I'm here," I assured her.

I helped her calm by telling her to follow how I breathe and putting her ear against my heartbeat. Once she was calm she needed the bathroom again after the sudden scare so I helped her with that before taking us back to Mike's room. I held her hand the whole way and hummed quietly to distract her.

"She's ok just got scared and slipped into little space," I explained.

I got her little items out which I packed just in case. I had a paci for her, a coloring book along with some coloring tools like coloring pencils, markers and crayons, her favorite play set, her favorite stuffie, her favorite snack and a bottle for tomorrow morning. She had a drink before we left so she was ok right now. I played with her and colored with her which distracted her from what was going on outside.

She used her paci when she felt too anxious. Before we knew it the storm had passed and the electricity was back on. Since it was calm outside now we decided we should sleep. Me and El went to the bathroom first since the little one was tired. I helped her get ready for bed and got myself ready. It didn't take long so we were back in Mike's room pretty quickly.

I packed our stuff away and we went into Mike's sisters room since she was staying with Robin they were a thing now which I think is adorable and Steven is with Jonathan since they both found out they were bi. It was good that we all had someone now even if it took some of us to realise that we liked them. Once we had everything I picked El up and walked to Nancy's room.

I lay El on the bed carefully and put the bag down before getting into the bed myself. El was nearly asleep but still scared from before so I told El a story of a strong girl who found a family. She fell asleep just before the story was over and I held her closely. I fell asleep not long after listening to her calm heartbeat.

#stranger things age regression #little eleven x caregiver max #age regression one-shot #age regressor #sfw interaction only #age regression #dniantiagere #this user is a regressor #sfwageregression

[void-kissed]

oh i LOVED reading about how alectra would fit into the genshin plotline... if she were an NPC id be visiting her during every major plot beat to see what shes up to. she sounds like a very fun easter egg, kinda like those fatui guys who hang out near the mondstadt city waypoint

aaah thank you so much!!!! yeah I got way too attached to the concept of her foreshadowing stuff going wrong, ‘cause like - the first time you see her is during Ending Note, and you can only see her right at the start of that specific quest; she’s waiting outside the cathedral, looking up at the Barbatos statue, and she won’t give any dialogue when spoken to by the Traveller (or, if she did, it’d be something short, like.. “Isn’t there somewhere else you’re supposed to be going at the moment?”). However, her being there means she’s then right there to be in the cutscene where Signora first appears and then gets Venti’s Gnosis, so if you noticed her waiting outside beforehand, that’d clue you into who she was without actually telling you much of anything about her. But she only appears in a very short interval, so she’d be easy to miss.

The next time she could be spotted would be during the part of the Liyue archon quests where you’re going around buying things with Tartaglia’s money, and the idea is that she’s sitting high up on the rooftops, so that if you wanted to go to try and talk to her it’d be a massive hassle (and she’s not very easy to spot). If you actually went out of your way to do it though, she’d maybe say something like.. “Ah, so you actually managed to make it up here? I must say, you’ve quite the keen eye to have sighted me. Even so.. you’re still setting the stage at the moment. So, please, carry on as you were. I wonder how ready you think you should be for the show.” This is foreshadowing the upcoming (though not as immediately upcoming) boss fight with Tartaglia himself - he’s her brother, or as close as she has to one anyway, so it’s no wonder she’s keeping an eye on what he’s up to.

I don’t quite know if there’s an opportunity for her to show up again in the game itself here, but one thing that I do know happens is that she has a bit of a confrontation with Tartaglia some time after the boss fight, because she didn’t realise he wasn’t in on the same things that she was regarding everyone’s plans. She then also runs into Zhongli again after the cutscene where he gives up his Gnosis to Signora, and she manages to get a lot of comfort - and a hug - that she needed from that interaction (since.. well, I associate Zhongli quite strongly with my grandad. for some reason. so I wanted to have him and Alectra (and Lamia because she visits Liyue with Yoimiya during Lantern Rite) be close, even if it makes little to no sense, because of that.)

When it then comes to Inazuma, Alectra has the first act of her story quest - “Luscinia Cineris Chapter - Act I: To Be Fooled By A Familiar Face” - slotted in to try and space out the pacing of that nation’s archon quests somewhat. Her story quest revolves around the Traveller being mistaken for Alectra by some guards, and subsequently having to clear their name by figuring out what was really going on (since all they saw was someone “fairly short, wielding a sword, with blonde hair” wearing either “dark clothes” if playing as Aether or “a sleeveless dress” if playing as Lumine). In the process they would probably find out more about Alectra by overhearing some Fatui working for her or something. The section of this quest where you get to play as Alectra comes right at the end, when everyone goes “okay so we’ve established it definitely wasn’t the Traveller who’s been causing the problem. But then.. who was it?” and then you switch to Alectra successfully breaking into some official building or other, taking care of all the guards there, and stealing some important documents. Something, something, be gay do crime? =P

..oh crumbs I’ve been writing for nearly an hour. Help. This was supposed to be a quick reply. I hope it was alright ;w;

#a call from the void #heart of the void #the main focus was #self‑insert: ashen nightingale (alectra) #but I also mentioned #love: my fair lady (signora) #brother: abyss‑forged warrior (tartaglia) #grandfather: stone stands steadfast (zhongli) #it’s.. kind of a superficial association but it persists nonetheless #his character came to mind as a source of helping last year when I realised the anniversary had came around #..I feel awful that I can’t actually remember the date again. it’ll have been seven years.. sometime in late january. #that’s not to be dwelled on right now though #long post #out of the inbox #selfship asks #sol tag! #love how I didn’t actually get to the most directly selfship-related psrt #which is that after the first phase of the duel before the throne alectra runs in to try and tell signora the electro gnosis isn’t there #and she subsequently joins signora in the second phase of that boss fight before then fleeing after defeat #selfshipping

[woodpondylake]

Part 1?

Mark had always been a quiet kid, a gay kid coming from a rural town in Missouri wasn’t exactly the best place to come up. With a slender build and no drive to work at his family’s farm he spent his time gawking at the farm hands his parents would hire to help out. Watching their buff arms lift up the bails of hay and their bodies sweat in the summer heat never failed to get him turned on. The best of which were the football guys, most of which had beginner guts, still fat from the season. He would sit and daydream about their muscular arms and jiggly bellies, sweating up a storm for his enjoyment. As Mark neared his senior year he longed for a place where he wasn’t ridiculed for his sexuality and could truly be himself. Once he got the chance to get out and go to college he took it, taking a one way flight to the farthest college he could. Arriving at his dorm he lugged his suitcase up the stairs keeping an eye on all the guys, seeing the cutest and best looking. He spent the day setting up his dorm waiting for his roommate to arrive. With the door wedged open he hears a knock turning around to see a brown haired giant. He introduced himself as Ryan, he was from the area and procrastinated moving in till the last minute. Immediately Mark could see he was absolutely built, his strong arms and thick legs on full display in his tank top. His face was undeniably attractive with blue eyes and perfect teeth, he must have been a hit with the girls at home. He threw his stuff on the bed and complained about the heat asking if it was okay for him to take off his shirt (not that it covered much). Mark nodded his head, trying to play it off, and Ryan revealed washboard abs and a set of pecs that truly put anyone at the farm to rest. They both continue to set up your room, talking about themselves and getting acquainted all the while sneaking a look at him every now and then. He talks about how he was on the wrestling team in highschool and won state champ and Mark told him about the farm (leaving out the sweaty boys) and when the night came they both get into bed ready to start their college careers.

…

A few weeks had passed since move in day and the two had settled into a routine, coming home from class, talking and getting work done. Mark was majoring in occult studies while Ryan was focusing on business. Neither found the other's studies too interesting but it provided them with their own space. While Ryan had found himself on the club wrestling team Mark had found a comfort place in the basement of the library. Apon one of those late nights in the basement he had come across a dust covered box, obviously forgotten by the school. He dusted it off and looked inside, only finding one measly book, tattered and moldy. Intrigued, he opened it up reading the title “To Change Thyself or Other”. Skimming through it he guessed it was some occult book intended to alter either yourself or someone else. Sneaking it into his bag he left the library for the night, intent on reading it once he got home. Back in his room Ryan was passed out on his bed, shirtless due to the heat and clearly exhausted from practice. Mark slipped under his covers and began to read the impossibly old book, skipping from chapter to chapter. Its contents seemed to cover everything from changing hair color to height to weight. The last one stuck out to him, as he began to read the section the “spells” seemed relatively simple. Most just required a close proximity to the individual who you wanted to change and a series of chants. Coming to a picture of a burly man Mark was entranced, the depiction was a tall, hairy man with bulging muscles and a nice round gut. As he followed the section he looked over to Ryan still soundly asleep and a smile crept across his face. As an occult studies major Mark knew this wouldn't work, but something about trying just seemed so enticing. So sitting up in bed he turned to his slumbering roommate and began to read the chant. He wasn't sure what he expected once he had finished but the man in the bed next to him retained his trim figure and hairless chest. A Little defeated Mark placed the book on his bedside table and turned off the light.

…

The next morning he woke up later than usual, still groggy from the late night spent reading. He turned to his roommate only to find his bed empty but his towel gone, mostly likely off showering. A few moments later Ryan walked back in, towel draped carelessly around his waist to show off his body. They exchanged good mornings and Ryan ranted about how great of a night's sleep he had to the response of Mark nodding. They headed on their ways to class and Mark simply assumed the book was a hoax going about his day. That night Mark again has a hard time sleeping but not because of the book but because of the incessant snoring from Ryan, a new development but not out of the ordinary. Waking up to the rustling of clothes Mark looks over to find his roommate getting dressed. Ryan looks over at him and again says good morning but this time something is off, Mark asks if he’s shaved recently and he remarks that he kinda likes the stubble, makes him feel manly. He does agree that it's a good look and you both go about your day. Over the next week Mark starts to suspect that the book may have actually been legit as his once clean shaven roommate begins to sprout hair on more than just his face. Starting off on his pecs, dark hair begins to snake its way to his belly button, and then spread down his legs. It's gradual at first but after a few days Ryan is sporting a hefty amount of body hair that to your best recollection wasn't there before. He still walks around the halls shirtless though, seemingly unaware that the carpet on his chest has appeared. Still built like a lean body builder Ryan would often find himself playing with it as it stuck out of any shirt collar he wore or simply stroking it any time he was shirtless. To Mark this seemed like an involuntary response, as though he was doing it subconsciously. Mark would make remarks that the excess hair would help him stay warm in the coming winter but Ryan knew something else was happening. Digging through his bag he pulled out the old book and flipped to the section from where he got the spell. Reading more about it he realized that he hadn't fully enacted its power, having to repeat it every night if he wanted the full effect to take place. Knowing exactly what he wanted he waited for his hirsute roommate to fall asleep. Once the snoring giant had passed out, Mark began to read the spell, this time making sure to read every word exactly as written. He waited again for some extreme change but found that Ryan was still sound asleep, hairy but ripped. Going to bed he thought about tomorrow and whether a change would occur.

…

Waking up excitedly Mark found his roommate still asleep, snoring more than ever, with his blankets knocked off the bed. He examined his body from afar and noted that his arms definitely looked bigger and his chest seemed to have grown slightly as well, but best of all his abs had faded ever so slightly. It looked as though he had put on muscle and fat making it seem as though he had worked out even harder but also indulged in some of the dinning hall deserts. Ryan tilted away from the sounds of his own snores and stretched, absentmindedly scratching his hairy chest. He grabbed his towel and made his way to the showers unaware of the changes that occurred that night. A few weeks pass and Mark continues his nightly incantations, each morning surveying his work. By now Ryan sported the build of powerlifter, strong but buried in fat. His arms filled his shirts to the brim, and his chest seemed to defy gravity with a mix of muscle and fat, but by far the best part was his belly. It pulled his shirts tight and would make an appearance whenever he raised his arms. His legs had become massive, thighs strong and soft and calves the size of oranges. He would come home from practice and exclaim that he has moved up another weight class in wrestling, and apparently a few sizes in singlets. His chest hair had spread across his growing gut and truly made him a burly man. Ryan had given up almost completely on shaving his face, now supporting a full but kept beard. The oddest thing to Mark though was the fact that his once slim roommate seemed unhindered by his sudden weight gain. He would still find himself catching Ryan flexing in the mirror and wearing the same old clothes which now showed off his body in a completely different way. The towel his roommate used every day was fitting less and less around his growing frame until he had to hold it to keep it from falling off. But he would still walk the halls shirtless, with his hairy physique on display. Mark didn’t quite know how to process it, Ryan had already been good looking but now he was the ideal man Mark had always wanted.

…

As the winter came Mark decided he couldn’t keep growing his roommate as at a certain point he would rip out of his clothes and even though he thought that would be incredibly hot, to his best knowledge Ryan wouldn’t even realize it. So as the sun set Mark prepared to cast the spell for the last time. As he finished the incantation, now known by heart, he marveled at his work. Ryan was no longer a slim wrestler but now a monster of a man, with hair on every inch of his body, strong enough to outlift anyone and sporting a gut big enough to house a beach ball. He went to bed knowing that his roommate would grow overnight for the last time. Waking up he looked over to find the bed empty for the first morning in months. The towel was gone and Mark sat patiently waiting for his behemoth to return. After a few minutes the door opened and Ryan still had a huge muscle chub. But when he reached for his brush the towel (which was barely holding on) fell to the floor. Mark couldn’t help but bear witness to Ryans impressive manhood. They had lived together for months but his roommate remained fairly careful as to not show off his goods. But now he stood in the middle of the room completely naked, showing off his large member. The base buried in a sea of dark hair stretched out in front of him, at least 6 inches soft as thick as a beer can. Mark immediately realizes that he's staring and looks up to his roommate to find him with a large beard grin. “Do you like what you see?” he asks. In awe Mark doesn't know what to say. Ryan continues, “I’ve seen you staring at me for the past few months, don't tell me I’m disappointing you.” There's a silence for a moment and Ryan lumbers forward, shaking the room with his weight. “I don’t know whats gotten into me but I’m feeling so much more confident and I’ve been waiting for you to make a move all semester” Mark beggins to stutter “Your gay?” he asks. “Yea, is there a problem?” Ryan crawls onto his roommate's bed and begins to take off Mark's underwear. “Are you okay with this?” he asks. “Fuck yea” “Good” The burly man leans in and plants a rough kiss on his face, feeling his beard enclose around his mouth. They make out for a while before Mark makes his way down to Ryans chest and begins to suck on his nipples, a small moan escaping his roommates lips. Before long the strong man flips Mark over and begins to slide his cock into Mark's much smaller body. Trying not to scream, Mark bites his lip feeling the weight of Ryan resting on his back. The two fuck for a while, the burly man showing a surprising amount of stamina for a man his size. Mark marvels at the sheer size of his lover's arms, easily two to three times the size of his own and strong enough to split him in two. He feels Ryan's beard brush up against his ear while he whispers things in his ear and can feel the strength behind every push. For the time beingMark is in extreme bliss, finally hearing his roommate roar as he finishes. Mark gets up from his bed to find a sizable stain left by his own climax and turns around. Ryan is drying himself off and slipping into some underwear that clearly leaves nothing to the imagination. “I gotta get to class, but be ready for me when I’m back. This is going to be a fun semester.” With a grin on his face his roommate leaves, shoulders so wide he almost has to exit the door sideways.

[gay-otlc]

More Santi thoughts (also brief warning for skin picking):

-He likes being organized, but also has terrible object permanence, so what ends up happening is that he knows exactly where the really important stuff is, and the rest is… somewhere. -Santi is good at reading people he knows really well, but it's something he had to consciously learn, rather than something natural to him. He has a hard time interpreting facial expressions especially, and even more so around people he doesn't know. -There's a fine line between routine and boredom. He likes having a schedule and making a list of what he needs to do, but he makes sure that not everything is exactly the same every day. -Scented soap is gross. It's fine on its own or on other people, but if he uses it, the smell gets overwhelming very quickly, and he used to think he was allergic to it, because it would make his skin feel really itchy. what no I'm not like this at all /s -There are a lot of social/conversational norms that Santi just. does not get, but a big one is eye contact. Brief eye contact is fine, a little weird especially if it's accidental, but it is what it is. Prolonged eye contact, on the other hand, feels very unnatural to him, and he usually looks at someone's forehead instead if he's in a situation that requires it. -Mostly, he just doesn't understand why it's rude not to make eye contact. Like, as long as you're looking at the person and paying attention, why does it matter if you're looking at their eyes or not? -He picks at his skin whenever he's bored or tense. It's mainly on his arms and hands, and occasionally his face. Mostly, he picks existing scabs, the skin around his fingernails, and his calluses. -As someone with calluses, they are the worst thing for a skin picking habit, because there's always some rough skin to pick at and it's very hard to stop. I will stop there but rest assured there are definitely more thoughts bouncing around in my brain. also why is the spacing so weird help

No worries if you don't have the time/energy but Ceres I think you should write a fic

Btw Wolfe is also autistic I'm assuming. I cannot imagine Santi wanting to date anyone neurotypical.

Imagine early in their relationship- like immediately post stormcrow- whenever Santi tries to talk to Wolfe he just tells himself make eye contact make eye contact make eye contact because apparently people think you don't like them if you don't look at their eyes and Santi wants Wolfe to know he likes him. Meanwhile Wolfe is going why is he trying to make eye contact with me no stop gross. Eventually the disaster gays COMMUNICATE and realize they both hate eye contact and they're both good with that.

Skin picking yes SO true. I can't remember the title but I read a fic where Santi picked at the burn scar (the Philadelphia one) when he was stressed and this has been promoted to canon. Also thank you for warning but this sign won't stop me because I can't read and now I want to pick at my face.

More thoughts on Wolfe and Santi both being autistic: They love to infodump to one another and they both love to be infodumped to. Wolfe goes on for two hours about some obscure historical fact and Santi is just about ready to propose. They also both love parallel play a lot. Not talking just existing in the same space (and probably reading because they're fuckin nerds).

Oh man oh fuck so many thoughts about them

#the great library #christopher wolfe #niccolo santi #also on wolfe being autistic #there is much that could be said with iron tower allegories #being alienated for not having the same abilities as everyone else -> neurodivergent

[klysanderelias]

I had some Thoughts and I needed to get them out of my head

As an autistic person I've never been good at making friends, and as I've gotten older it feels like a lot of my friends drifted away and now I'm trying to figure out how to reverse that process.

And the problem becomes, at least a little bit, that for people who are isolated and lonely, there's this gulf that we have to reach over that's so much wider than it used to be, or than it is for other people (at least I assume), and the only person that we can be sure is going to do that, is us.

And I can only speak for myself but it's a fucking nightmare, because one of the things I hate the most is being the one to initiate a conversation. It triggers my anxiety something awful and the whole time I'm consumed with the thought that I'm imposing on someone, that I'm intruding or otherwise bothering them, and I know that it can be one of the biggest reasons why I personally struggle so hard to make connections.

And of course, when that's how I approach these things, I don't generally frequent public spaces, and I definitely don't initiate conversations in them. I tend to try to minimize my presence and take up as little space as I can.

And it literally wasn't until tonight when I was thinking about it that I thought to myself, maybe I'm not annoying and off-putting, maybe I'm just a really big dude who looks like he doesn't want anyone to come up and talk to him. Maybe I'm more intimidating and closed off than I am unwelcome and unpleasant.

All of this is to say that like, the best friends that I have, I made because I reached out and made myself a little vulnerable. One of my best friends who got me the solid union job I have now, I got through putting my contact information on a 'looking for group' board in a game store.

There's a game store that I've found that has a nice vibe and I know is LGBT+ friendly, and my plan is to try and spend some extra time there. I want to talk to the employees about the events, maybe ask about role-playing groups that might be looking for members, or other communities that exist there that I'd be interested in.

And one of the big things for me is that I tend to wear very subdued, unobtrusive clothing, again to take up minimal space and presence, and I need to not do that? Because like, I have a 'catzilla' shirt with a kitten shooting godzilla breath from its mouth, and I've literally had more people talk to me when I was wearing it than the rest of this year.

I think there's a certain sort of signaling that at least for myself, makes people a little less worried. A big 6'4" dude is much harder to approach than a big 6'4" dude wearing a catzilla t-shirt. I have a laptop with anarchist/queer stickers all over it. I'm sure there are people who would feel much more comfortable talking to me when I've got that in front of me.

And of course the crux of the issue is that I need to be willing to reach out first, no matter how much I hate and fear the concept, because I’m the only one who’s actions I can control, so I’m the only one I can guarantee will do it. And like, sometimes that’s being willing to compliment someone on a piece of clothing or some choice about their appearance, or be that weirdo who asks someone their opinion in a store. And again, that sounds like the best way to cause me to have a nervous breakdown, but I also know that if someone came up to me and tried to start a conversation about the book I’m reading, it’d probably work. Lord knows, I talk incessantly, and someone being willing to listen to my dumb opinions is going to immediately become my friend. 

There’s also national novel writing month going on right now, which I need to actually go to an event for, because that’s a ready-made sort of thing for what I’m interested in, so I’ve kind of got it easier in that I know where to look, I’m just terrified of it.

And there are other options, like culture festivals, music events, library events, gay bars, and it sucks because to a certain extent it’s much easier when you’re able to spend money, but I think a lot of it is just being willing to inhabit a space that’s designed to be communal. And for me that’s a fear of being too much, but I think there are places designed for us that we have to be willing to take up space in, to accept that we are welcome.

And who knows, maybe none of it will work, and I'll just be uncomfortable and unhappy in public for a while. But like, y'know, I'm already uncomfortable and unhappy in public, and at some point I'm willing to risk a little mortifying ordeal of being known if it means that I don’t keep feeling like I’m trapped. And I know it pays off, because I have some dear friends that I got by doing the damn thing, and I just need to feel like I’m not some unloveable, forgettable, oppressive asshole.

I’m fuckin’ 30 and I still feel like I’m playing catch up, and a lot of that is just having to sit down and analyse how I’m feeling, and dig a little into why I’m struggling so badly, in order to have a plan of attack.

#long post

[keefwho]

April 04 - 2024 Thursday

11:24pm

6.5/10

This morning I showered immediately and got ready to go to the store. Mom drove me to the market in Seeley. I brought my Switch to play but put it down in favor of enjoying the scenery. Shopping went well, I guessed a total of $350 and the cost was $345. The cashiers seemed REALLY gay which was nice. On the drive home we saw a freshly hit deer which was very gross and we drove over it's legs. I didn't get as much freezer stuff because they don't have a great selection of frozen foods. I need mom or one of her coworkers to pick me up chicken from town. And maybe the extra big bags of french fries.

I had meant to stream after settling down after my groceries but I didn't. I did do my finances which I've had to do late due to a late payment from someone. I was also looking into my dental insurance situation and how to pay it, I have to do it before the 12th. I also chopped all my vegetables I just bought so I could freeze them and was hitting up anyone I could to chat while I did it. TK was down at first but she had to get ready to go somewhere instead. DV wasn't responsive. BR was getting ready for work. BD hadn't responded at first but she did in the end and agreed to chill in her server VC while I chopped. I appreciated that a lot, I desperately wanted company during the task. We made basic conversation and a couple of her friends joined. When I was done, I started cooking my chicken stew from the fresh ingredients and switched to my PC. She started screensharing the just chatting section on Twitch and we watched at least half an episode of every popular adult swim show being streamed on different channels. She left to make dinner and I was supposed to work next.

Instead of working I called DV because he's always down to talk about important stuff and I really needed someone to talk to about some things. This proved to be great, I got a lot off my chest and he gives good feedback. He's good about being honest instead of blindly supporting everything I'm saying and telling me what I want to hear. It feels great to be told I'm wrong about something because it means I have something to think about and maybe improve on. He told me about his problems too which I had my own feedback on. We talked for a couple hours before he had to go pick up his sister and I wanted to get into VR. BD said she was feeling meh so I asked if we could chill. I was hoping to get some more deep conversation out of it and that's what happened. In a driving world we started talking about how we feel about relationships and view them very similarly. Like how using the word "love" is a really REALLY big deal and its a red flag when someone uses it so lightly. She also told me about this guy that's been clingy around her. The weird part is that I know I've been like him in the past but maybe not to his degree. Seeing that (and not supporting it) gave me a little bit of perspective on the times I've also been clingy or overbearing. Sort of like I was forced to step back and look at the times I was like that. It's something I sort of hide from because it's uncomfortable to admit that sometimes I behave in a way I don't like for various reasons. It got REALLY awkward when the guy she was talking about joined the world and vaguely told her "we need to talk". My first thought was he had joined and spawned in the back seat where we didn't see him and he listened in. But maybe that didn't happen. He might have just seen that we were hanging out together after she told him she wanted space, making her a liar in his eyes. Apparently their talk went well and he was understanding about the situation so I'm happy for them.

I got off and joined AE and friends while they played No Mans Sky. I was asking them sort of random questions because I was in a good and social mood after processing things with DV. I think they liked me? As in, they seemed receptive to the kind of conversation I was bringing. I was there until DS was in bed.

DS and I talked about our days and she showed me this cool thing she did with all her con badges. Also the stuff she bought for her new rats she's getting this weekend. I greatly enjoyed chatting with her tonight, I was in a great mood. We did our puzzles and caught up on the old ones, she read me a Frankie chapter from the Monster High book, and I continued the KH2 playthrough. It was a good night.

~~~

Today's topic was presence so I tried to keep that in mind while I did things today. It was harder in the morning but in the evening I had some thoughts. Part of presence is the idea that you attend to things as they are in the current moment. It's sort of submitting to whatever the current task or state of things is. Thats something I struggle with because I'm usually thinking of whatever is most important to me in general. But I know to be most effective, different times should be spent on different things. In the evening I employed that by being more attentive to the different people I talked to today. They all had their place in my evening and were beneficial when given the proper focus.

Other than that I feel a bit bad that I ditched any kind of schedule today, I did 0 work.

#journal #diary