#he would have been on a whole other level of grief and despair

[inamindfarfaraway]

TGWDLM AU where on the way to Professor Hidgens’s house, the group see Infected Pete and Ted has a complete breakdown. These monsters got his little brother and he wasn’t even there, he didn’t protect him, didn’t look for him, didn’t even think about him - he was too busy thinking of himself, like always. Now Pete’s gone forever, because clearly whatever happened to Sam isn’t something you can come back from. He swore, he swore after Jenny that he would never feel that bad again. But this is worse. At least she didn’t die! *Audience members cringe* His brother, though, is dead. At sixteen years old. It couldn’t be Ted, the useless bastard with nothing good ahead of him. No, Ted wanted to survive. And Pete - earnest, brilliant, loving Pete, perhaps the last person on the planet to give a damn about him - paid the price for it.

This forces Emma, who has been spending the whole last year dealing with the pain of losing her sibling and not getting to say goodbye because she was off being selfish and neglecting her relationships, to realize: ‘Oh. Fuck. The sleazy asshole has feelings… that I can empathize with. Ew.’ So she tells him about Jane. Although she still hates everything else about him, a) nobody deserves to suffer through that alone, which she knows from doing it alone, and b) maybe if he starts to see her as a person with feelings too, he’ll be slightly less insufferable. And it works. The solidarity lays the foundation for a slow-burn friendship. Will they always annoy each other? Oh yes. But it’s hard to understand someone on such a raw, fundamental level and not reach out to them when you yourself also need support.

Due to his external and internal walls being shattered, Ted has to become more comfortable with vulnerability; he has to be more appreciative of and sensitive to other people. He really, really values the few relationships he has left. He and Charlotte connect more deeply while she’s concurrently processing her complex feelings about Sam and his death, and he might not leave her alone with Sam, imagining how he’d feel to be alone with Pete’s body and the alien inside it. He grows to be an actual friend to Paul and… well, Bill might not have enough time for that, but nevertheless. Maybe in this timeline, a handful of Hatchetfielders get to the PEIP helicopter together. Maybe the Hive doesn’t escape the island. Maybe PEIP figures out how destroy it.

Pete was the good one. Pete was the one with hope. But if Ted’s the one who survives, then he’ll just have to live for both of them.

Or he could let the Infected get him right away and the brothers could sing an epic duet.

@dontsteponthatfish @awigglycultist @blueskiesandstarrynights

#i think they could have reached the helicopter before the hive #if not for the delay of ted’s betrayal and paul and emma then having to escape the infected including the army #also i don’t believe that he knew pete died in canon #or we would have known about it #you think this egotistical mess of self-pity and dysfunction wouldn’t have made it very clear that he was suffering intensely? #yes he recoils from emotional honesty but he can do it when really hurting as seen in ‘time bastard’ when he talks about jenny unprompted #and when he does he Wallows #his drunken breakdown was just about charlotte #losing her hit him Hard #but if he knew that he lost pete and then lost her? #he would have been on a whole other level of grief and despair #pete is about a year younger than alice #i bet ted would have brought him up when arguing that trying to rescue alice was pointless #because of the parallel and to make the situation about him #i love him but i do think he would do that #bastard man. stinky bastard man #not a healthy coping mechanism in SIGHT #but this au idea revolves around my hope that if he knew that he’d lost pete he would be much more invested in his other relationships #and his only remaining significant relationship at that point is charlotte #so he wouldn’t leave her in danger and she wouldn’t die #therefore changing his trajectory from ‘PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN’ to ‘awkward begrudging healing’ #ted spankoffski #pete spankoffski #spankoffski brothers #spankoffski bros #emma perkins #jane perkins #the guy who didn't like musicals #tgwdlm #time bastard spoilers

[merrivia]

The intricacies of the Captive Prince trilogy often present themselves through lines which are written with a strong narrative certainty (as if the answer is clear)* but are in fact, relatively ambiguous when you stop and think. I have already spoken about this with Nicaise here, but there are more (enough to make a little series, I expect).

Here is another one from King’s Rising:

What is the “other, darker thought” that Damen believes “at all costs must be avoided”?

More after the jump:

On a basic level, you could simply read this as about Damen's fears and anxieties. Like any of us in a dire, panic-inducing situation, it is imperative to not succumb to those fears or despair and to try and envision a way towards some kind of resolution.

There are also any number of dark thoughts Damen could be having, that he might want to avoid, like how he could technically betray Laurent to get his child back. Like how a King who was detached enough could think he could always make more heirs, and that there was no proof the child was his, and act accordingly.

I think it is clear that it isn't those things, but instead is something so dark it scares him.

Having a child, we know, opens all of Damen’s wounds about family:

For Damen, to be a father means to consider what it meant to him to be a son. It tears open the grief he had been forced to lock away and makes him realise just how alone he is.

You can imagine his line of thinking. Damen believes that he failed his father, and so cannot bear that he might fail his son.

And what is one of the worst things a parent might feel they must protect their child from, when you know they won’t be physically tortured or killed? Something he has seen a terrible father do in the form of Guion? The ultimate failure to protect them?

Damen, I believe, is thinking of the potential sexual abuse of his child.

There must have been something Damen saw in Laurent’s eyes as he urgently tried to communicate something he finds hard to articulate, and which would be horrifying to say out loud to a parent. Not to mention, some hours previously he had seen Laurent’s reaction to Jokaste’s news:

Damen may not have understood the look in Laurent’s eyes then, or the “sheer horror”, but by now he’s had many hours to process what he heard. Laurent is terrified for his son. And Damen knows why, even if he can’t face it directly.

It would fit a pattern to the Regent’s mentality-after all, what happened to Damen himself, was sexual exploitation in making him a bed slave, and similarly in the assassination attempt meted out to Laurent but luckily avoided (to be drugged and raped, before murdered). And lastly, of course, and most seriously, is the Regent’s paedophilia, a topic which Damen has perhaps avoided thinking too much about.

To be clear, we know Damen is sickened by Audin offering up Nicaise, calling it by its name, the rape of a child and preferring to be tortured or killed than do it. In fact, Nicaise’s abuse and Aimeric’s both must appall him. We can see he instinctively feels and knows that the Regent’s abuse of these children are dark, immoral acts, but I think he feels so uncomfortable by it, he doesn’t quite know how to deal with it. That is classic Damen. Think of his awkwardness at the incest rumours Govart mentioned when Laurent speaks to him about. He does think on straightforward lines, shies away from the unthinkable. Layered on top of this also, I think, is him being partially stymied by the acceptance of the Veretian court of something which should be disgusting. All of us see societal injustices every day, and often feel helpless in the face of them due to wider cultural acceptance/turning of a blind eye and I think, in a way, Damen feels the same.

Furthermore, think of when Damen is silent when Paschal says he tended to the Regent’s boys. He is unable to put into words his moral repulsion- and also the whole idea would open up a box of ideological worms. Like the fact that Damen was brought up in a culture which celebrates male virility and as a result, consensually lost his virginity at 13, a kind of early sexual blooming which Pacat intended deliberately for his character. He also would have known slaves start to train at a very young age, and are transferred to the palace from the moment of puberty, though they are older on completion of training. There obviously is a clear distinction- Akielon slave training takes puberty seriously and no bed slave can ‘graduate’ without going through it, and the Regent’s interests are pre-pubescent children. But Damen has also had sex many times with slaves who have been trained (brainwashed) to serve and cannot give consent in any meaningful way. There are probably no Akielon terms, no language exactly, to censure or condemn men like the Regent. Damen does understand consent is important, rape is a crime that would exist in both worlds, and what the Regent is doing is exploitation of the worst kind- but then…isn’t slavery? You can see these difficulties effectively silence Damen, as he wrestles with his morals and feeling of hypocrisy. (Remember that it is a seismic shift within Damen to go from a man with his own retinue of slaves, to a man who knows he will ban slavery on becoming king. It isn't just that he was reduced to a slave himself, and is now empathetic. All of this and more, I think, is ticking away in the back of his mind, as he fights for his survival in terms of the overall plot of the novels).

Veretian culture is no better, and also has no language for child abuse. Laurent himself will talk of what his uncle does as a “fetish” on the one hand, and then say Aimeric “fucked” his uncle, was a “country virgin” who was “hot for it”. Yes, he does this to eviscerate him verbally, but Pacat walks an interesting line here. In the time period the books are vaguely set in (13th century ish?) the general understanding of rape, abuse, consent, age and gender**, mean there wouldn’t have been a particular cultural understanding of abuse as we know it. So Damen and Laurent both hover in a grey area of knowing something is “obscene” and wrong, but being surrounded by cultures that simply have no term or legal basis for thinking it is wrong.

The truth of the matter is though, there is no grey area when it’s your child at risk. In this moment, Damen has started to truly acknowledge the darkest undercurrent in the trilogy. One which will lead him to Laurent’s abuse. And we see Damen’s agony and his rage at what was done to Laurent and at how the society around them (his society in the moment, but Veretian too) lets these things happen without consequences:

They did indeed hear what he did, and they do not care.

Laurent too, I think, may also have had an epiphany in this moment. Damen lays no blame whatsoever at his door, would murder the Regent on sight for the evil he did to Laurent.

I think this might be the first time that Laurent is shown by an external person that he loves and trusts and respects that what happened to him was not Laurent’s fault. That it’s never a child’s fault. That he could throw an accusation of seduction and willingness at Aimeric, but that was only because that same accusation had been no doubt flung at him. Damen’s love and his righteous moral outrage at least gives him that, when Laurent's own culture won't.

So that’s my reading of the line! If you think I’m wrong, please do let me know, I love hearing alternative interpretations.

*I think this is because Pacat wrote these stories over a long time, and you can see how alive the characters are in her head, and also because I think the fact the stories were originally written in tandem with a public audience on livejournal who could interact with her in real time, and I think had a little more to work with. What’s left for the readers who come later, is what can feel like a puzzle box of a novel. It’s part of what’s wonderful about it- the gift of a writer who assumes we are intelligent and will figure it out- but also perhaps, a tiny bit frustrating. Pacat definitely embraces reader interpretation, and I’m a big believer myself in aspects of reader response theory, but there are moments I do wonder about getting it right, hence posts like these.

** I put gender here because from my cursory research, there were some legal discussions of girls as victims and ages of consent in this time period but not so much boys. If I’m wrong, I’d like to know more about it, so let me know.

#captive prince #meta #it got really long oops #it was meant to be short #damen of akielos #laurent of vere #tw csa

[cyberdragoninfinity]

Sorry to big u more but also. I know all four of the stars were close but also. How well and intimately do u have to know someone to not only fully remake them but then go and remake then at two entirely separate stages of their life you were never there for and don't even know what they looked like for and have it be -entirely accurate- bc I think about that! Like its meant to be as close to 1:1 and possible and he just. Nailed that

NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE grins so big. i will take any and all chances to talk about Zoneporia and anything in its orbit. as well know <3

this actually brings up an interesting point, with regards to Aporia vs. Z-one's other robotic copies of his husbands friends. Cuz like, you have a pretty solid argument that Antinomy and Paradox are successfully 1:1 accurate copies of their original selves (as 1:1 a mechanical recreation of a person can be) especially with looks and (presumably. maybe. possibly) with personality. But with Aporia.... I would argue Z-one didn't actually nail his 'remade' version(s) of him very well at all, tbh! Nor do I think he was intending to, even.

Cuz, honestly, just how accurate do the Emperors look compared to Aporia's actual life stages? Lester is probably the closest, but he's still an unnatural pale compared to child Aporia; meanwhile Jakob is like 348954 goddamn Feet Tall and wider than a barge and Primo. well Primo looks a little like the printer jammed while spitting him out.

Half of young adult Aporia's hair is just NOT THERE ON PRIMO. CHOPPED OFF. BIGASS BALD SPOT. imo it makes Primo in particular look....unfinished! and therein that lies a pretty big point about the Three Emperors that I've probably talked about before but always love getting into: theyre SUPPOSED to look unfinished and incomplete and a little bit 'off,' because theyre very much NOT actually robotic copies of Aporia at different ages or Young Adult Robot Recreations like Paradox and Antinomy.

They're the result of Aporia begging Z-one to give life to his Most Defining Traumatic Memories. They're embodiments of horrifying snapshots in time that Aporia believes made him who he is today....theyre. embodiments of despair :^)

The show never gets into How these despairs/traumatic moments got processed into becoming Three Mechanical Guys Who Talk and Walk Around, but I'd be willing to wager it's something involving extracting Aporia's memories and building them from that (and that's how Z-one was able to make Lester and Primo and have them look...Adjacent to how Apo looked at those implied ages.) It also explains why the three of them are such a volatile, mishmashed trio--Each one is only a third of a whole, a gijinka of a moment of Indescribably Intense Grief and Emotion, theyre each a piece that perhaps was not supposed to have been separated out into its own person ("person," lord knows theyre not people to Z-one) and well now everyone has to deal with that.

ANYWAY. TANGENT, APOLOGIZES. I don't think this diminishes the implied intimacy between Z-one and Aporia though, lemme be clear... how much trust must be there to not only ask to take your most defining, devastating memories and give them 'life,' but to heed that request and go out of your way to take the time and make More mechanical bodies than you needed for your other two friends. Aporia doesn't seem ill at ease in his Giant Monster Wereangel Body at all, so you do have to wonder the level of love and closeness to it all, to design and concoct a mechanical shell for your last living friend/wife that he's comfortable in, a body to give him the strength to fight for a better future his dying human flesh and bones couldn't muster.<-- *Aporia's robot body harnesses physical features the old and dying Aporia yearned for truther* THERE'S SIMPLY SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT WITH THEM. AND IM NORMAL ABOUT IT.

#fr this aint buggin!! if anything IM sorry for going all 🤓👆 'well ahcshuelly...' talkin about the Emperors HFDHGD #ygo posting #asks #anonymous #dana's ygo bible study #iliasterliker9000 #if i think too much about z-one and aporia's implied closeness i will EXPLODE. SLASH POS. THERE'S SO MUCH THERE. #AND ONLY LIKE 12 PEOPLE CARE #hopelessnessshipping

[sasorikigai]

((Can I just say that it's not hard to imagine at some point after the whole thing with the Cyber Lin Kuei factory in 11, Hanzo eventually just finds Kuai's arms around him? Like...that level of loss just hits you eventually, and I have a hard time imagining him not ultimately comforting him. Not just bc Hanzo clearly does care about him, but also because he knows on this raw level that he's in a position to give Kuai something that he himself had so desperately needed back then.))

Random Inbox Shenanigans || anonymous || always accepting!

In relation to this post (x)

Had the other MK kombatants (at least the ones that knew about Hanzo's tragic story) empathized and cared about the state of Hanzo's being, I truly believe the horrendous outcome of MKX could have been prevented. Still, in the end, it was Hanzo's own responsibility to control his emotions and not act to impulsively, disregarding the dreadful and dismal consequences of his actions (killing the Revenants for good, Shinnok roaming about with his nihilistic darkness, risking other Earthrealm warriors dying, etc.), but it was that helpless loss of everything he held dear in his heart and soul that caused him to act irrationally.

Grandmaster Hasashi in MK11 is still coping with grief and loss, and he has grown a lot in terms of his character as he developed more patience, intelligence, and self-sacrifice. Since bereavement being the most intense form of grief and mourning, Hanzo is extremely familiar of the waves of intense and very difficult emotions, ranging from profound sadness, emptiness, and despair to shock, numbness, guilt, or regret. Also, it isn’t obviously limited to emotional responses, either. Grief at the death of a loved one can also trigger physical reactions, including weight and appetite changes, difficulty sleeping, aches and pains, and an impaired immune system leading to illness and other health problems.

He's experienced every one of those symptoms, and even when Hanzo doesn't necessarily sympathize with spoken words, he realizes how devastating and acute the excruciating pain is when he comforts Kuai Liang. The only way to deal with grief and loss is to GRIEVE, and Hanzo knows for a fact that Kuai will have to find a way to come to terms with his loss, and that way is to actively face the pain and many intense and unexpected emotions.

At that moment in time in the Cyber Lin Kuei quarry, they had a mission to complete, and they both could not let anything get in their way of preventing from stopping further cyberization - the kidnapping of the Lin Kuei warriors and possibly of the others, if they were to be left alone - so they didn't let their focus dwindle away, but I too, can imagine that they would have had a deep, intimate conversation; reflecting on their unique context and meaning.

#✗ obsessive cathartic (headcanon) #✗ the ineffable testimony of spawned hellfire (scorpion) #✗ seeking reconciliation with his own humanity (iii) #(subscorp) #(thermodynamic equilibrium) #(anonymous) #(they may have different ways of handling such barrage of emotions but) #(Hanzo's 'better' in expressing them in all honest - both good and bad ways - so he can definitely help him to process everything)

[kindan-no-kanojo]

Happy birthday Scarlett!!!

( Let's pretend I'm not late, okay?)

Can't wait any longer but want to ask who's Scarlett's favorite composer? Or maybe some piece in particular? 👀

"Thank you, thank you! I appreciate your wishes, dear. And your question!"

"Let's see... well, it's hard to choose simply one, I admire several aspects when it comes to composers and their musicality. But... I have to agree that Johann Sebastian Bach was one of a kind. As a pianist, I'm certain that the basic techniques and dynamics can be found so smoothly within his work. Not only for piano, though, his repertoire was rather genius in many areas. In spite of such a consistent structure, he did not lack emotion, nor passion."

"One of my favorite pieces from his whole repertoire is his Chaconne, the Partita no. 2 for violin. I'm not a violinist myself, but I doubt I would dare touch this piece even if I were. It is said it was dedicated to his deceased wife, and whether that is true is not, it's impossible to deny the grief, longing and sorrow within this piece. Regardless of the difficulty levels, I believe it's harder to make that piece justice when you have to portray such deep emotions, which can be said of any piece, honestly, but maybe I feel a deeper connection with Bach's Chaconne in particular, so it's precious..."

"Oh, on the topic of Bach, what I can resonate more with are his cello Suites! I am not that much of an experienced cellist, but I hope to be one day. I very much enjoy playing his Cello Suite no. 1, in G Mayor. Very known and not highly difficult -or, not a first sight– but pretty beautiful and classy. I like the forth movement, Sarabande, the most."

"Lastly, I can't overlook other piano geniuses, that instrument is something I take pride on, after all. I am very fond of Chopin and Tchaikovsky's romantic works, but I particularly admire Rachmaninoff a lot. His motif and symbolic aspects are quite shocking to some, perhaps for his rather aggressive style. But, that is something that I personally find fascinating! One of my favorite Rachmaninoff pieces is his Prelude in C Sharp Minor. Brief but powerful. And quite haunting, I can feel the despair in that fortissimo cadenza, followed by a calmer relief... Or resignation? The story behind it makes it make a lot of sense, much like with every other composition, isn't it interesting to know what led the composer to write such a dark piece of music? I believe it is. It's not news that death and sorrow surrounded Rachmaninoff a lot, and I like his depiction of it when puts it into this work."

Scarlett realized she's been talking for a while.

"... A-ah. I got a little excited there. Oops? Haha... well, I love music and its background quite a lot. I hope that answered your question. And thank you for your birthday wishes!"

#📭Asklett #Scarlett Wakahisa #kirua9 #Diabolik Lovers OC #.she was asked about music..... now she won't shut up 😭 #sfjh enjoy nerdlett lol <3 #🍰scarlett's bday

[gisenchy]

the weight of grief

i’m compiling the different things i’ve written around the internet into one place. i’m currently locked out of my old livejournal, and i don’t have the heart to make a new one. 

There's something to be said about the level of neglect that we grow accustomed to. The level of pain we can stomach before it oozes out of us or explodes like a grenade. I read somewhere that laughter is what happens when your body cannot contain the joy you feel. But what about anger? What about pain? A friend of mine eats a whole cake in one sitting and I wonder: where does it all go? I scroll endlessly through Twitter, Instagram, the news, Youtube, hours upon hours of my time before looking up and wondering where it all went.

Of course, it’s not just my time. It’s also my energy spent. Some days I wake up after an appropriate amount of rest (Though for a millennial, is there anything other than tired?) completely exhausted. Not just sleepy from having woken up, but a sinking feeling in the top of my eyelids that compels them to close. When I’m extra tired, I get this weird metallic taste in my mouth and my body just doesn’t seem to hold any water. I drink two litres of water in one go and my throat will still scream of thirst. I unlock my phone and scroll and scroll and scroll and absorb the information, the grief, the trauma and the pain like a sponge. It's no wonder my body cannot contain water, when there is no room for it. I once told my counsellor that I don't ever want to be known as someone who didn't care, especially about the things that move the world and bring pain to so many people. I use this as a driver to learn and in most cases, unlearn the false ways of the world. His response was that caring does not mean I have to feel angry or sad all the time. He also said that many people probably aren't thinking of me that way or at all, even. The past few weeks I have reneged on my usual diet of information and discomfort to allow myself a little space to breathe. I couldn't cope with the onslaught of death and despair that COVID-19 brought into my home (didn't even stop at the doorstep to knock!) and felt like the shell of a shade of a portion of myself. I needed to protect myself. I wanted to stop feeling so fucking sad all the time. There's an episode of the Bobo & Flex Show wherein the hosts discuss the question: "Would you rather be sad or angry all the time?" Naturally my response was anger. I would just rather be angry. Anger feels like a driving force towards action, a reaction to things unjust and cruel. However, that anger has given way to just an intense feeling of despair as of late, and I fear that the space I had given myself over the past few weeks has dulled my capacity to feel any drive towards change. Sure, I've exhaled a bit and accepted uncertainty, but was that selfish of me to want that? Am I any less empathetic or caring than I was previously, when I consumed and absorbed All Things Bad, because I thought it made me a better person?

What I have learned over the past week is that the unrelenting pace of cruelty and evil in this world never stops. I joke that I have a separate stomach for bread, do I have another body for grief? I grit my teeth, clench my knuckles, blink back my tears, exhale deeply. Where does it all go? It goes anywhere and everywhere. My last reference for you is something plucked from Death of The Endless: everyone knows everything but pretend that they do not to make life tolerable. The world has always been bad; the only difference is that now we can see it clearly, without end. I don't know whether I'd rather be sad or angry all the time; I only know that I want to care. I suppose that is the only thing that makes life tolerable. 

[thatsastepladder]

this was going to go in a reblog to @genuine-hyperbole but it sort of grew into its own thing:

I honestly wish we got more new Advent songs, or at least focused on it more as a sort of Good Friday equivalent for Christmas in the church in terms of the idea of darkness.

Except where, with Good Friday, it's the darkness and grief of Christ's death, with Advent it's the darkness and despair felt by the Jewish people. They've been under the domination of other empires for hundreds of years, God's stopped sending prophets, there's a coming Messiah but is there really? So many have claimed to be him and were executed by Rome for insurrection. Surely if God were to send a savior to deliver them like Queen Esther did, He would have already done it.

Instead, they're trapped under the thumb of Rome, which has, in living memory transitioned from a republic to an empire. An empire which tried to elevate their Caesar to the level of their God in the Jews' highest holy place. An empire which has installed a puppet-king who isn't even really Jewish and is, by all accounts, not in his right mind. The only hope for everlasting life lies with the Pharisees and their arcane system of rules to follow, so that one day, maybe, if one followed the Law and oral tradition to the letter, they could end up in paradise.

And into that comes a star, brighter than any other in the night sky and visible as far away as Persia. Into that comes a chorus of angels singing, "Glory to God in the heavens." Into that comes a young woman, huddled in a stable with her husband, far from home. And in the manger in front of her - although very few know it yet, and most won't for over thirty years - the Light that's going to bring Israel from its darkness. And not only Israel, but the whole world along with it: Samaria, Tyre, Cyrene, Rome, Asia Minor, as far east as India and as far west as Spain within a century and beyond that in the years to come.

[phoenixyfriend]

Ficlet: Because I Fell Too

WARNINGS: References to the Tusken Massacre, unreliable narrator (Anakin)

When he stumbles upon her, it’s a coincidence.

He doesn’t know how much it’s going to change for the universe. He just knows what he sees in front of him.

“Knight Offee?”

Yellow eyes glare back at him, and he can feel the rage and despair now that he knows to look for it.

“General Skywalker,” she grinds out. The bomb in her hands is clear evidence of whatever the hell she’s setting up. “I suppose you’re going to--”

“Sit down,” he says, because his mouth moves faster than his brain. “Just... sit down.”

“Either arrest me or not,” she snaps.

“Let’s go with ‘not,’ for now,” he tells her, and takes a risk. He puts his back to the wall of the little service corridor, and slides to the ground. He rests his elbows on his knees. He waits.

Barriss looks at him with something akin to disgust.

“Ahsoka would be upset if I got you in trouble,” Anakin offers. “I don’t know you that well, but she thinks you’re her friend, so I’m going to run with that until you give me a reason to fight.”

“The bomb isn’t enough?” she sneers.

“What bomb?” Anakin asks, keeping his eyes on her face and away from the very obvious explosive in her hands.

Being nice to her apparently just makes her angrier.

“Sit down,” Anakin says again. “We both know I’d win a fight, and there’s not a whole lot of places to run, here.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I use this hall a lot. Trust me, I know it.”

“Sneaking out?” she asks, arms crossed in front of her. “To break the Code, just like all the rest?”

He raises an eyebrow. “Pretty sure that’s a bit of an exaggeration.”

“The Jedi have lost their way,” she spits out. “We’ve become tools of violence and destruction instead of peace and care.”

“And going Dark is going to help?” Anakin prods. “It’s not, you know.”

“Once you go dark, you can’t turn back,” Barriss dismisses. “I’m already here. I’ve already Fallen. My rage is plentiful, but at least I can turn it to a cause of worth.”

“And bombing the temple is going to stop the war?” he questions. “Barriss, the Seppies aren’t going to be kinder to the planets they take than the Jedi are. You know they’re softer on slavery than the Republic.”

“I can’t turn back now!”

“You can.”

“I’ve. Fallen,” she hisses out. “It’s too late--”

“It’s not.”

“And how would you know?!” she demands, practically screaming as she steps forward.

“Because I Fell too.”

She stares at him. It’s silent, for a moment, save for the hum of electricity in the background, and the heaving of her breaths.

(He’d looked up the process of Falling, once he’d been knighted and had access. With the war on and Dooku publicly a Sith, nobody really questioned his interest.)

(The initial Fall was always the most emotionally intense, always too much and too new for someone to handle.)

(She’d level out in a few days, whether she returned to the light or not, but for now...)

Barriss puts her back to the wall, a few feet down and on the other side of the hall, and slides to a seat. She keeps staring at him.

“Ahsoka never mentioned that.”

“Ahsoka doesn’t know,” Anakin tells her. “Nobody does, not even Obi-Wan.”

She looks at him, peering, and then says, “your eyes are blue.”

“Yes.”

“You... came back.”

“Yes.”

“What did you do? Why did you Fall?”

He wonders if it will help her to know these things, or if maybe he can just calm her down and tug her back and keep her talking long enough to stopgap whatever plan she’s putting into place.

“What do you know about the Sand Raiders of Tatooine?” he asks her.

She shakes her head, and then tilts it to one side, questioning.

“They’re one of the two native species of Tatooine,” Anakin tells her. “The other is the Jawas. But the Tuskens are... we grow up on stories, there, about how they take people in the night, kill them for fun, how they raid the homesteads and travelers because they think all the water on the planet should belong to them.”

“Sounds like propaganda to me.”

He hesitates, and then shakes his head. He can’t just get angry at her right now. She’ll run, and stay Dark, and then Snips would be upset. “Maybe some of it. But it did happen, once you got past the outskirts of the cities.”

“Okay, so?”

“There was a woman they captured,” Anakin says. “A former slave, middle-aged, who’d married a moisture farmer near one of the smaller towns. I don’t know why they targeted her, but her husband lost a leg trying to save her, and a few more people died. I tracked her down, and found that she’d been tortured nearly to death. She died shortly after I arrived, as I held her. There’d been no cause to it, just... senseless violence.”

She looks at him. Blinks. Her eyes are wide and far too yellow.

“The woman in question was my mother,” Anakin admits. “I broke the Code, and took revenge.”

“You killed the people who tortured her.”

“I killed the entire tribe,” Anakin corrects, voice heavy. He doesn’t let himself think too hard about this. “Including the younglings.”

“You’re a monster.”

“I was,” he agrees, because he can’t let her run, not now. He can’t tell her they were little more than animals, can’t tell her they were all monsters, who deserved to die for what they’d done. “And now I’m fighting to save lives, instead of ending them.”

“Banthashit.”

Anakin doesn’t make the face he wants to make. “This war is... so stupid. I hate it. You hate it. The Council hates it. Almost every Jedi I know hates it, and the ones that don’t are mostly too young to understand what’s going on. We can feel our soldiers die, we get accused of being warmongers, we lose Knights and Generals and Padawans every day. But if we don’t fight it, someone else will.”

“Then someone else should!”

“Someone who treats the clones as disposable, you mean?”

She glares again, eyes a poisonous yellow. “And why should I listen to a murderer of children?”

Anakin purses his lips, and holds his tongue for long enough that he doesn’t spit the first ugly word he thinks of. “Because this monster is still a Jedi despite that. Because I’m telling you that it’s not too late to come back to the Light.”

She hates him, he can tell, and then--

“Fine,” she says. She smiles, simpering and cruel. “I’ll come back and get ‘help’ with this... if you confess to your Fall in front of the Council.”

He stiffens up, and she lifts her chin, and he thinks I can beat her and I could let her go and finds that either he lets her go, and she bombs the Temple... or he takes her in, and she tells them about the Tuskens.

Or he kills her.

Ahsoka’s face, distraught with grief, pops into his head before he can consider it for more than a second.

Barriss gets to her feet, still smirking, and she’s got the bomb in her hands and so many are going to die if he lets her go.

But they’ll kick him out of the Order if he confesses.

They’ll lock him up and he’ll never see Padme again, never see Obi-Wan or Ahsoka or...

“I’ll take my leave,” Barriss says. Those yellow eyes bore into him with smug victory. She turns, and he breaks.

“Fine,” he says, with a voice he barely recognizes as his own, because he’d done something stupid by talking to this girl, and now he’s torn between killing her, getting arrested himself, and letting her kill innocent Jedi.

It’s for Ahsoka, he tells himself. Besides, I’m one of the most effective Generals in the GAR. They can’t just get rid of me.

Barriss stares at him. Again. “What?”

“Fine,” he repeats. “I’ll confess to my Fall if you come clean about yours.”

This is a terrible idea.

He hates everything about it.

But... but something in the Force sings that it’s right.

“Fine,” Barriss says, with an odd, painful expression he can’t quite read. “Then to the Council we go.”

And so they do.

#Anakin Skywalker #Barriss Offee #star wars #the clone wars #unreliable narrator #phoenix posts #one shot

[roobylavender]

what do you think wally's experience was like suddenly switching from titan to JL member? i mean obv we see him talk about it in canon but i like how you word things :D also related to what you once said on twitter about nightwing being scarily competent to the point of reigning in his emotions even more than bruce who can become reckless from grief...i thought it was interesting bc wally doesn't even name batman (dick's natural JLA counterpart) as JLA's leader, he says it's superman!!

i think the fun thing about wally switching teams is that like. unlike some of the other members of the titans he's very well integrated with the older crowd (i would say roy is very close as well. and i am sure a lot of people would mention dick bc of the whole multiverse reliability factor but i think that has more to do with his skills and competency than him necessarily being close with every hero in the upper echelons). part of what makes him such a solid legacy character is the fact that he is actually entrenched in the legacy on a big picture level. inheritance of barry's mantle is not the only thing at stake rather it is wally's entire dream and perspective on what it means to be a hero that is at stake. the members of the league are people he has looked up to and aspired towards his entire life but they are also people his uncle would call friends. so there is a bit of pressure and exasperation there at having to prove himself to these people bc he's been nyooming within their circles for years upon years and has taken active interest in and admired them for a large part of that time only to be approached with some hesitation upon finally taking his predecessor's mantle

but as we can see that hesitation doesn't take long to wear off and wally does prove himself to be worthy of that title. i'm sure it's something every member of the league was secretly hoping for, though they may not say it aloud. bc he's barry's boy. and as much as they dread the pressure of this weight that falls onto wally's shoulders they also know the kind of person he is and they are also witness to the fierceness of his spirit. so he's young, he's a little brash, he's clearly drowning in despair for a while. but they dote on him. they give him space to grow. they take him in like one of their own bc he is one of their own, he always has been. and i don't think that's something you can say for any other ordinary new entry to the league. they don't have that connection. they don't have that automatic guarantee of guarded but simultaneously unabashed affection. the wonder of wally's legacy is that barry's lasting shadow is important in the most endearing ways. it gives way to a belief in duty, it gives way to hope, it gives way to this place for wally to always have no matter how lonely the world finds him. it allows wally to keep believing in heroism and that fledgling idea of what it means to do good when he was gifted powers at the tender age of ten

and i absolutely believe it's what makes clark the symbol of the league for wally as well. clark represents everything that wally believes in and everything that barry left him with. hope, love, perseverance, and most of all, the guarantee of a place to belong

#wally west #personal essays #outbox #i always sound so CORNY when it comes to him and legacy talk i'm so sorry like it makes me teary legimitately #and in vein of that last part i think that is why clark being the first extraneous person wally really proved himself to #with their race against each other #was super important. like yeah it's a throwaway issue but in a greater context it means sooo much for clark to embrace his new role #i think of every member of the league (even bruce) as secretly rooting for wally to be the best version of himself #and then positively beaming when he does prove himself to be so. they're like kindergarten teachers waiting for a kid to score golden stars #and YET. he can also sit at the table on their level bc of how well he proves himself #the way he is able to fill so many roles at the same time bc he is so well integrated into the concept and legacy of heroism itself #chef's kiss. there will never be another legacy character like him idgaf

[aion-rsa]

Doctor Who: Perfect 10? How Fandom Forgets the Dark Side of David Tennant’s Doctor

https://ift.tt/2URb21b

As recently as September 2020 David Tennant topped a Radio Times poll of favourite Doctors. He beat Tom Baker in a 2006 Doctor Who Magazine poll, and was voted the best TV character of the 21st Century by the readers of Digital Spy. He was the Doctor during one of Doctor Who‘s critical and commercial peaks, bringing in consistently high ratings and a Christmas day audience of 13.31 million for ‘Voyage of the Damned’, and 12.27 million for his final episode, ‘The End of Time – Part Two’. He is the only other Doctor who challenges Tom Baker in terms of associated iconography, even being part of the Christmas idents on BBC One as his final episodes were broadcast. Put simply, the Tenth Doctor is ‘My Doctor’ for a huge swathe of people and David Tennant in a brown coat will be the image they think of when Doctor Who is mentioned.

In articles to accompany these fan polls, Tennant’s Doctor is described as ‘amiable’ in contrast to his predecessor Christopher Eccleston’s dark take on the character. Ten is ‘down-to-earth’, ‘romantic’, ‘sweeter’, ‘more light-hearted’ and the Doctor you’d most want to invite you on board the TARDIS. That’s interesting in some respects, because the Tenth Doctor is very much a Jekyll and Hyde character. He’s handsome, he’s charismatic, and travelling with him can be addictively fun, but he is also casually cruel, harshly dismissive, and lacking in self-awareness. His ego wants feeding, and once fed, can have destructive results.

That tension in the character isn’t due to bad writing or acting. Quite the contrary. Most Doctors have an element of unpleasantness to their behaviour. Ever since the First Doctor kidnapped Ian and Barbara, the character has been moving away from the entitled snob we met him as, but can never escape it completely.

Six and Twelve were both written to be especially abrasive, then soften as time went on (with Colin Baker having to do this through Big Finish audio plays rather than on telly). A significant difference between Twelve and Ten, though, is that Twelve questions himself more. Ten, to the very end, seems to believe his own hype.

The Tenth Doctor’s duality is apparent from his first full appearance in 2005’s ‘The Christmas Invasion’. Having quoted The Lion King and fearlessly ambled through the Sycorax ship in a dressing gown, he seems the picture of bonhomie, that lighter and amiable character shining through. Then he kills their leader. True, it was in self-defence, but it was lethal force that may not have been necessary. Then he immediately topples the British Prime Minister for a not dissimilar act of aggression. Immediately we see the Tenth Doctor’s potential for violence and moral grey areas. He’s still the same man who considered braining someone with a rock in ‘An Unearthly Child’. 

Teamed with Rose Tyler, a companion of similar status to Tennant’s Doctor, they blazed their way through time and space with a level of confidence that bordered on entitlement, and a love that manifested itself negatively on the people surrounding them. The most obvious example in Series 2 is ‘Tooth and Claw’, where Russell T. Davies has them react to horror and carnage in the manner of excited tourists who’ve just seen a celebrity. This aloof detachment results in Queen Victoria establishing the Torchwood institute that will eventually split them apart. We see their blinkers on again in ‘Rise of the Cybermen’, when they take Mickey for granted. Rose and the Doctor skip along the dividing line between romance and hubris.

Then, in a Christmassy romp where the Doctor is grieving the loss of Rose, he commits genocide and Donna Noble sucker punches him with ‘I think you need somebody to stop you’. Well-meaning as this statement is, the Doctor treats it as a reason to reduce his next companion to a function rather than a person. Martha Jones is there to stop the Doctor, as far as he’s concerned. She’s a rebound companion. Martha is in love with him, and though he respects her, she’s also something of a prop.

This is the series in which the Doctor becomes human in order to escape the Family of Blood (adapted from a book in which he becomes human in order to understand his companion’s grief, not realising anyone is after him), and is culpable for all the death that follows in his wake. Martha puts up with a position as a servant and with regular racist abuse on her travels with this man, before finally realising at the end of the series that she needs to get out of the relationship. For a rebound companion, Martha withstands a hell of a lot, mostly caused by the Doctor’s failings. 

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Series 4 develops the Doctor further, putting the Tenth’s Doctor’s flaws in the foreground more clearly. Donna is now travelling with him, and simply calls him out on his behaviour more than Rose or Martha did. Nonetheless the Doctor ploughs on, and in ‘Midnight’ we see him reduced to desperate and ugly pleas about how clever he is when he’s put in a situation he can’t talk himself out of.

Rose has also become more Doctor-like while trapped in another reality, and brutally tells Donna that she’s going to have to die in order to return to the original timeline (just as the Doctor tells Donna she’s going to have to lose her memories of travelling with him in order to live her previous life, even as she clearly asks him not to – and how long did the Doctor know he would have to do this for? It’s not like he’s surprised when Donna starts glitching). Tied into this is the Doctor’s belief in his own legend. In ‘The Doctor’s Daughter’ he holds a gun to Cobb’s head, then withdraws it and asks that they start a society based on the morals of his actions. You know, like a well-adjusted person does.

What’s interesting here is that despite presenting himself as ‘a man who never would’, the Doctor is a man who absolutely would. We’ve seen him do it. Even the Tenth Doctor, so keen to live up to the absolute moral ideals he espouses, killed the Sycorax leader and the Krillitanes, drove the Cybermen to die of despair, brought the Family of Blood to a quiet village and then disposed of them personally. But Tennant doesn’t play this as a useful lie, he plays it as something the Doctor absolutely believes in that moment, that he is a man who would not kill even as his daughter lies dead. It’s why his picking up a gun in ‘The End of Time’ has such impact. And it makes some sense that the Tenth Doctor would reject violence following a predecessor who regenerated after refusing to commit another double-genocide.

In the series finale ‘Journey’s End‘, Davros accuses the Doctor of turning his friends into weapons. This is because the Doctor’s friends have used weapons against the Daleks who – and I can’t stress this enough – are about to kill everyone in the entire universe. Fighting back against them seems pretty rational. Also – and again I can’t stress this enough – the Daleks are bad. Like, really bad. You won’t believe just how mindbogglingly bad they are. The Doctor has tried to destroy them several times by this point. Here, there isn’t the complication of double-genocide, and instead the very real threat of absolutely everyone in the universe dying. This accusation, that the Doctor turns people into weapons, should absolutely not land.

And yet, with the Tenth Doctor, it does. This is a huge distinction between him and the First Doctor, who had to persuade pacifists to fight for him in ‘The Daleks’.

In ‘The Sontaran Strategem’ Martha compares the Doctor to fire. It’s so blunt it almost seems not worth saying, but it’s the perfect analogy (especially for a show where fire is a huge part of the very first story). Yes, fire shines in dark places, yes it can be a beacon, but despite it being very much fire’s entire deal, people can forget that it burns. And fire has that mythical connection of being stolen from the gods and brought to humanity. The Time Lord Victorious concept fits the Tenth Doctor so well. Of all the Doctors, he’s the most ready to believe in himself as a semi-mythic figure.

Even when regenerating there’s a balance between hero and legend: the Tenth Doctor does ultimately save Wilfred Mott, but only after pointing out passionately how big a sacrifice he’s making. And then he goes to get his reward by meeting all his friends, only to glare at them from a distance. His last words are ‘I don’t want to go’, which works well as clearly being a poignant moment for the actor as well, but in the context of Doctor Who as a whole it renders Ten anomalous: no one else went this unwillingly. And yet, in interviews Russell T. Davies said it was important to end the story with ‘the Doctor as people have loved him: funny, the bright spark, the hero, the enthusiast’.

It’s fascinating then, that this is the Doctor who has been taken to heart by so many viewers because there’s such an extreme contrast between his good-natured front, his stated beliefs, and his actions. He clearly loves Rose and Donna, but leaves them with a compromised version of happiness. They go on extraordinary journeys only to end up somewhere that leaves them less than who they want to be, with Russell T. Davies being more brutally honest than Steven Moffat, who nearly always goes the romance route. Davies once said to Mark Lawson that he liked writing happy endings ‘because in the real world they don’t exist’, but his endings tend towards the bittersweet: Mickey and Martha end up together but this feels like they’re leftovers from the Doctor and Rose’s relationship. The Tenth Doctor doesn’t, as Nine does, go with a smile, but holding back tears.

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It’s a testament to how well written the Tenth Doctor is that the character has this light and shade, and with David Tennant’s immense likeability he can appeal to a wider audience as a result. It’s not surprise he wins all these polls, but I can’t help but feel that if the Doctor arrived and invited me on board the TARDIS, I’d want it to be anyone but Ten.

The post Doctor Who: Perfect 10? How Fandom Forgets the Dark Side of David Tennant’s Doctor appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3iaqbDk

#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

[deadpoetsmuses]

"sunflower". | gerard pitts, dps.

in which when two sunflowers have no sun to follow, they turn to each other.

✧ title: “sunflower”.

✧ pairing: gerard pitts x fem!reader.

✧ genre: angst to fluff.

✧ word count: 1,019.

✧ warnings: mentions of cheating, academic failure.

✧ author’s note: i know it's not true that sunflowers turn to each other when there's no sun, but the idea of that is just so cute. anyway, thank you so much for the anon that requested for more pitts stories !! i hope you and everybody else enjoys !!

✦ requested by anon! "hey! i love your writing so much <3 i was wondering if you could do more stories about gerard pitts.. thats lanky boi doesn’t get enough attention <3"

“All of the good ones go for jerks, you know that,” He advised, consoling his friend Knox. This was all well and true for a man like Gerard Pitts. He had once been a man of excessive affection-- the level in which he fell hopelessly in love once rivaled Knox Overstreet’s and his heart had been broken for more times than the world rotated on its axis. He thought that his hope for love had ceased to exist and that the sun wouldn’t shine upon him anymore-- until he saw that same bright light of the sun in her eyes.

Despite Y/N being homeschooled and Pitts attending an all-boys academy, the two would take it upon themselves to visit each other often. Usually, they would spend time together at the local coffee shop, drinking out of hot mugs and talking about topics that they wouldn’t have been able to in the company of their regular groups. The two of them would always take the corner table engulfed by the large bay window, as it was the only spot in the entire café where the light of the sun would beam through. Y/N would sit in front of the window so as to shield her sight from the sun’s rays, while Pitts would be seated directly across in a manner of welcoming the sun.

“Why do you like it here so much, Pitts?” Y/N questioned as she took a long sip from her coffee. She noticed that once again, his vision was pointed towards the golden ball of light. “I just like the sun,” He shrugged. He finally took his eyes away and placed it on Y/N’s figure instead. “Anyway, how are you and that guy doing? Dan, was it? What is that short for, ‘danger’?” Pitts surmised, wiggling his eyebrows. He had a gut feeling that Y/N’s new boyfriend wasn’t good for her, but he had nothing else to do but to simply let his intuitions pass through jokes and banters. “You know his name’s short for Daniel.” Y/N responded with a roll of her eyes. “He’s good; we’re good.”

Little did she know, she had been wrong and Pitts had been right. It took approximately six weeks and five days for her to discover about old Daniel’s deceiving ways. Everything had been all right from her perspective, but she hadn’t known about all of the cheating and the fabrication from Dan’s mouth. With her grief came the lack of energy, and with the lack of energy came the misfortune of not being able to see any of her friends-- especially Gerard Pitts. Y/N knew that things wouldn’t have worked out with Daniel anyways, regardless of his cheating ways. She had just felt so used and so betrayed; but she knew that something much better had been waiting for her-- only if she had the courtesy to get out of her misery and into the real world.

He wouldn’t have had any time to go and see her either. In those six weeks and five days, Pitts found himself feeling more and more distressed with every drop of his academic grade. Whatever lecture or teachings he heard in his ear simply went out the other. The quicksand he had fallen into had trapped him entirely; and there had been no other way of escaping. Thus, all of his free time was beginning to be dedicated to nights of relentless studying and futile reading.

While Y/N laid on her bed and waited for all of her tears to dry out, Pitts would be at his desk, continuingly grinding his brain and working to raise his grade into something more decent. They both knew they had to take a break-- to be able to think about something other than their respective troubles. So, the coffee shop dates began to return to its usual schedule.

On one particularly cloudy day, the meeting had followed through but their troubles remained. Not even the sun could brighten Pitts’ day, for there had been no sun at all; nor could the same be done to Y/N with hearing the humorous comments of her friend, since the friend in question hadn’t been in a humorous mood at all.

The two cups of coffee on the table had gone cold and the atmosphere was overcome with misery. Both Pitts and Y/N had been too taken in their despair for things to be the same as before. Only small talks and miniscule smiles had been exchanged-- but nothing else had seemed to help them get out. Y/N then tried again for what she thought should have been the last time. “Pitts… I’m sorry I made us go out on such a cloudy day, I know how much you like the sun…”

Pitts then turned to look at her. There it was, he thought. The light of the sun was nowhere to be found in the skies, for it was in those captivating eyes of hers. It’s not like he had been unaware of that glimmer in her eyes that whole time. Perhaps the one true reason why he had favored the sun so much was due to the fact that he had seen it in her eyes countless times before.

For the first time in weeks, Gerard Pitts finally had a reason to take his mind off of his troubles; and after all those years, he finally found a way for his heart to be mended. The reason why he had favored that coffee shop so much was not because of the sun; but it was all because of her. The sun hadn’t been his favorite thing either; it was the way it illuminated her face and presented each tiny detail for Pitts to see.

As they felt it before, things would never be the same again after that one day. It wasn’t because of any previous sorrows or burdens. It was due to the fact that despite all of the cloudy days and the lack of warmth, the two sunflowers finally found the sun-- and it was all because of how they found it in each other.

for my favorite dps stans <3 @deadpoetsgayvodka @neilfuckingperrydeservedbetter @neilsemeraldsweater @ughgclden @nananostalgic @galaxyrhymes @mybabysweetascanbe @romanticacademiaasshole @catflowerbean @willowestelle @yourpal

#dead poets society #dps #dead poets society fanfiction #gerard pitts #pitts x reader #gerard pitts x reader #gerard pitts fanfiction #gerard pitts fluff #gerard pitts angst #jemi-writes #jemi-requested #jemi-dps

[mittensmorgul]

So for the most part, I outright reject the finale. But I do think, in light of the whole "Jimmy was supposed to be in the bar, and Dean was disappointed by that because his perfect heaven would have Cas in it" just makes me all the more convinced that the final episode was some kind of djinn dream. Like.... There's no other explanation in my opinion. If Dean's perfect heaven was supposed to have Cas, and he tragically gets faked out by Jimmy (????? Why tf would jimmy be there anyway), it just proves that it's not ACTUALLY heaven. That, along with he El Sol beer he's drinking is all the evidence I need. I think after 15x19, Dean and Sam got whammied by some monster, and are stuck in a hallucination, and that's what we're seeing. (My headcanon is that it's actually The Empty doing it, because it knows if it doesn't keep Dean and Sam occupied and spinning in circles, they'll invade the Empty to save Cas. So its trying to prevent that) :)

Hello, anon friendo! I am gonna start by offering the socially distanced version of a high five, because yeah... There is just so much to unpack here, and you provided such a succinct and all-encompassing series of statements to start from. Thank you!

*flings open array of questionable suitcases*

First off, Congrats on having rejected the finale. I know a lot of folks are still struggling with that one, for many reasons. But you have hit upon so many of the points I’ve been trying to make about the finale since it aired. I’d just like to start with some of the assumptions I’ve heard from folks about the finale that make it impossible for me to consider it fully honestly canon. Because so much about it just makes no goshdang sense... like... not at all...

One of the biggest issues I have surrounding the reception of the finale in parts of fandom is that it portrayed a “happy ending.” The show itself spent the entire final season telling us that a gravestone marked Winchester was not and never would be a happy ending (thank you Becky Rosen-- words I never thought I’d say, but honestly and most sincerely meant). Let’s break this down a bit.

Starting from the assumption that “heaven was fixed” so that characters could have true free will there, making it satisfying in any way that Dean died so young and never got to truly experience happiness during life, I would like anyone who has adopted this attitude to then explain Kansas the band. I mean... explain that in any satisfactory canon-compliant way. (hint: you can’t. it makes zero sense in canon, if heaven is truly reformed and “happy” with everyone in possession of free will.)

Which brings me to Misha’s comments about Jimmy being in the Roadhouse. Why, if heaven were truly fixed, would Jimmy ever in a bazillion years attend a party for Dean Winchester? If Heaven were truly a “happy” ending for Dean, why introduce this element of eternal tragedy and heartbreak to his heaven experience? Why taunt him with the eternal loss of Cas-- even if you don’t think he reciprocated Cas’s romantic feelings, he was canonically the best friend Dean ever had, and being forced to exist forever in a place where he had everyone else he ever cared for except for Cas? Is frankly horrific.

How the actual fuck is that a happy ending, in any sense of the word?

How is this the sort of heaven that Dean would’ve made for himself before it was “fixed?” At least in the memorex heaven, he could’ve lived in oblivious peace with Cas, even if it was always just his own memories and not ~actually Cas~. I honestly think that would’ve been happier than the abject tragedy of what we did get, and what we would’ve gotten had the original script played out.

All of this kind of makes me wonder if they ever even actually defeated Chuck. Like... it feels more like Dean got pulled into the Empty at that moment with Cas and Billie, and everything else after that point was the Empty’s endless experience of sorrow and despair we knew it subject its charges to. So that’s one potential for what could’ve actually happened. I mean, everything about the finale was sorrow and despair, you know? Dean didn’t even get to enjoy his pie at a pie festival because Sam smashed in in his face. How is any of it happy, in any way?

Because if that was actually heaven, there wasn’t actually any free will (because why tf would Kansas the band have chosen to put on that concert? why tf would Jimmy have been there, just to torment Dean with the taunt of Cas returning to him only to have that hope snatched away again? It’s cruel. It’s, in fact, a source of intense despair).

The djinn theory could also work, and I’ve read some excellent fix-it fic using that as a premise. But that doesn’t really explain what happened to Jack (and Amara, since she was in there with them) after hoovering up Chuck’s power, you know? I think the simplest explanations in canon are that Chuck actually won via the unified power of Light and Dark being transferred into Jack and effectively using him as a vessel. With Sam and Dean convinced they’d won, they effectively stopped resisting Chuck’s story for them, and using Jack’s understanding of humanity and the Winchesters specifically, Chuck finally was able to implement a version of his story that the Winchesters would just waltz into without thinking it was supernaturally influenced at all. Going bigger and bigger with monsters and cosmic troubles hadn’t worked, but going so small Sam and Dean would barely even notice the influence-- even with the incongruous reappearance of a vampire that appeared in their lives once, for like two whole minutes 15 years ago, and an unsolved case from the journal from more than 30 years ago that John had never even linked to vampires at all.

At this point, I need to mention that I’m watching 10.23 as I type this up. An episode in which we confront the Mark, along with Death, and Dean’s despair, where he learns a version of the truth (but by no means the full truth, or even accurate truth in some respects) about Chuck’s Story, Amara/The Darkness, etc. That would unfold more fully over the next five seasons. And what was the case Dean took in this episode? Vampires. LOLOL omg this show is nothing if not horrifically consistent, yes?

So because of this, I went haring off through my own blog looking for a post I made a long time ago about the symbolism of how various monsters are used on this show (because again, consistency). I got sidetracked by other posts in my monsters tag, including this from after 15.09 aired, which feels particularly awfully relevant. This was my reaction to Chuck’s Story he showed Sam in that episode, about what the future would look like should he successfully trap Chuck with a Mark, and which... yeah is basically exactly thematically consistent with what we saw in the finale, right down to a cheesy twist on vampires. Read the whole post right here, but this is the part that reached up and punched me in the face:

this is how Dean personally reacts when he loses Cas. We know how he reacts when he loses anyone else– think about what he did when Charlie died. He went on a murder rampage against the Stynes for killing her. When Mary died he broke some furniture and went full bore toward both resurrecting her and stopping Jack. But without Cas, Dean loses the will to fight. Sam has… always been different. He referenced Jess in 15.04 to remind us of how he was after she died in the pilot episode. Just like John, he picked up the revenge mission and ran with it. But for Dean, Cas is different. Without Cas… Dean gives up.

Because... Dean gave up. Sure, he and Sam weren’t overrun by vampires in the end. Chuck knew they’d never stop fighting the monsters, one way or another. The only way to get Dean to give up is something Chuck hadn’t quite figured out yet... maybe not until after 15.17, after confronting Cas in the hallway of the bunker, after absorbing Amara’s power, knowledge, and perspective on Dean.

Chuck needed Dean to give up, and honestly? Pushing Billie to clear him off the table and send him (and Cas, that pesky angel who never did what he was told) to the Empty would’ve been a direct way to deal with that... pretty much akin to having one sibling locked in a cage forever, yes?

Also, still looking through my monsters tag, I’m reminded of 14.15, and still cannot differentiate the version of Heaven in 15.20 from what was done to the people of that town. This... is not... paradise. This is actively what Dean has been insisting is the OPPOSITE of paradise since like… 4.22… No ending where Dean was a “Stepford bitch in paradise” ever had the possibility of being “happy,” at the core of things, and this “fixed” version of Heaven just doesn’t hold up to any degree of inspection. Something is seriously wrong here. https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/183465650390/so-can-we-talk-about-this-monster-of-the-week-for

And since I was unable to find the post I wrote who knows how long ago about Monsters and how they’re symbolically used on Supernatural to represent larger themes in the episode, I’ll just attempt to sum up what Vampires have been used for. Revenge. Vampires are always, in some way connected to themes of revenge.

(and hooray, I found at least a post adjacent to the one I’ve spent the last four hours trying to find... https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/187207052080/i-obviously-did-not-think-this-through, where I mention that shapeshifters are about revealing hidden truths (mostly about Dean since most shapeshifters are connected to Dean), zombies are about grief and the inability to move past it.)

So why... why at the end of their road is the monster that comes after them-- literally FOR REVENGE for something that had never been blamed on Sam or Dean to begin with, from season 1, directly connected to John’s revenge mission and the first time they learned about the Colt AND the first time they learned in canon that Vampires were even real... like... this feels very specifically like some kind of layers-of-meta levels of shade on them, you know? Vampires are for revenge, so what vengeance exactly is being visited upon Sam and Dean in this episode? If not Chuck’s entire story for them itself?

So yeah, 100% agree, something is incredibly rotten in the finale. And I am sick to effing death of people trying to convince us that anything about this was “good” or “happy” or “satisfying” in any way. Or even “how it was always supposed to end” with Dean dead bloody, as if the entire back half of the series hadn’t been suggesting that a true win was the subversion of all of Chuck’s story for them, and Dean finally being able to have his chosen family all alive, happy, and chilling on a beach somewhere watching the sunset. Nothing will ever convince me that the ending portrayed in 15.20 wasn’t exactly how Chuck thought he “won,” rendering it entirely irrelevant to the rest of canon, unless all of canon was ultimately the tragedy we’d been encouraged to believe would be firmly defeated in the end.

Folks, you can’t have it both ways. 

#spn 15.20 #chuck's process #if this was the 'happy' ending for dean they sure did fail big time to make it actually happy! #it makes me feel sick thinking that dean's happy heaven ending was more like an eternal pit of torment #like actively tormenting him and taunting him with the fact that cas was truly gone forever #like wow they went all the fuck out to make it clear that even in heaven #dean would never be allowed to respond to cas's declaration of love #like... it's the most hurtful and hateful thing the show could possibly have done to us #and it still fucks me up knowing there's people who think this heaven was a 'good' ending for dean #like... fuck that entirely and with extreme prejudice #i feel like i have not been emphatic enough about my absolute hatred for this episode in these tags #but sadly there are limitations to expressing the actual feelings i'm feeling in the english language #sometimes the only effective word for these feelings involves velociraptor screeching #Anonymous

[cosmicjoke]

Alright, chapter 133 of SnK!

I’ve got a few things I want to talk about here.

One of the things that always strikes me about Levi as a character, indeed, one of his defining character traits, is his coolness under pressure.  His calm demeanor, no matter the circumstances.  One of the interesting things to go into is WHY Levi is like this.  

We see it particularly exemplified in this chapter, I think, and there’s a few examples.  For one, they’ve all just lost Hange as their friend and Commander, and this loss particularly impacts and affects Levi, since he was closer with Hange than any of them.  But rather than allowing his grief to consume and paralyze him, Levi immediately begins trying to contribute when Armin says he wants to go over the plan, bringing up Hange’s theory about Zeke and how killing him might stop the Rumbling, etc...  Then Eren transports them to Paths, and everyone reacts with shock and awe, except Levi, who’s expression is duly unimpressed and unsurprised.  We see this from Levi throughout the series, of course.  Situations that present themselves, new and frightening circumstances which throw everyone for a loop and send people into panic, Levi reacts to with calm collectedness, a distinct LACK of surprise or fear.  He really does stand in sharp contrast with everyone else in this situation.  Everyone there is a seasoned war veteran, at this point, they’ve all been through and seen some truly horrific things.  But they still react with a kind of frantic uncertainty here.  They then begin to plead with Eren, Armin and the rest trying to convince him through any means possible, to stop the Rumbling.  They try to bargain with him, show him empathy, make promises, etc...  They make their desperation obvious by saying whatever they think will appeal to Eren.  Levi is the only one who, I think, is fully honest here.  He tells Eren that if he stops now, he’ll let him off with JUST an ass-kicking.  Levi doesn’t try to placate Eren, or show him sympathy, or empathy, he doesn’t try to be gentle or handle Eren with kid gloves.  He tells him flat out he’s going to beat his ass for what he’s done, but he’ll show him some leniency for stopping by not killing him outright.  The thing is, I think Levi’s known from the start of this whole disaster that talking to Eren wasn’t going to work.  Everyone else was holding out hope that if they could just speak with Eren, he would stop, that they could convince him through words.  But like I talked about in my last post, Levi is someone who’s just seen and experienced too much of life’s brutality and unfairness to blind himself to bleak reality.  When the 104th goes running off after Eren appears to them, to try and reach him, Levi just sits down in the sand and has that resigned expression once more, and his expression continues to show a total lack of surprise when Eren puts the 104th back where they started, before they could ever even get close. Levi isn’t surprised, or even dismayed, I don’t think, at Eren’s refusal to talk, because I think he always knew he wouldn’t be willing to.  That he wouldn’t be interested in hearing anyone’s pleas or promises.  I think Levi always knew Eren was hellbent on this course of action, and it was more or less hopeless, trying to appeal to him.  And once again, I have to restate, I think it’s because Levi’s just experienced too much hardship in his life to cling to false hopes.  He’s world-weary and in many ways a realist, someone not given to delusion or fancy.  

I feel like Levi probably glimpsed this uncompromising, hellish bent in Eren back in Liberio, his mercenary compulsion to follow through on whatever plan he had, which is why Levi was so disgusted by him on the airship back then.  He saw a lack of mercy in Eren, and it reminded him of the brutes Levi grew up with in the Underground.  Not just a willingness, but a desire to take from others to satisfy himself.  It’s why, when they’re all transported back to the plane, while everyone else looks horrified and in shock at Eren’s refusal to talk, Levi looks as unflustered as ever, and states with a matter of fact tone that negotiations are over, before asking Armin what it is they do now.  None of this is surprising to Levi.

Levi’s look of despair throughout this final arc continues to strike me as his resignation in the ugliness of humanity and the useless, pointless suffering they inflict on one another.  He’s depressed, and disappointed, because everything happening around them is only a confirmation of all the worst things Levi saw and experienced, growing up.

All this ties into another point I want to discuss, which is Levi’s relationship with Jean, actually.  I’ve found the relationship between the two of them really interesting since way back in the Uprising arc, when Jean was the most vocal in condemning Levi for his violence, declaring with certainty that he would never kill another person.  Jean is disabused of his moralistic superiority not long after that, when he learns first hand the consequences of sticking to ones morals uncompromisingly, nearly losing his life, and forcing Armin to take a life for him.  And it’s Jean who we see, again and again from that point on in the series, grappling with and coming to terms with this difficult lesson.  We see Jean’s respect for Levi, and his understanding towards Levi, grow greatly, after this incident, and Jean himself having to grow, to change and accept that sacrifices are inevitable if one wishes to protect the things and people they care about.  That sometimes even one’s own comfort and moral convictions are necessary sacrifices to achieve those things.  

Levi tells everyone that he’ll take care of Zeke, but admits that he’ll need all of their help to get the job done.  I feel like this is Levi, once again, asking if all of them are ready and willing to get their hands dirty, just like he did before they raided the Cavern underneath the Church on the Reiss property.  He knows he can’t do this job by himself (which is just further testament to Levi’s strength of character, an ability to admit to weakness), but he wants to make sure everyone else is alright with plunging in to a situation in which they’re going to be forced to kill.  Jean is the first to answer, telling Levi and all of them that he’s not going to let the sacrifices they’ve already made, the people they’ve killed in order to get where they are, be in vain, and that he’ll do whatever it takes to stop the Rumbling.  This shows incredible character growth on Jean’s part.  He went from someone who claimed that he would, under no circumstances, take another human life, to someone who declares that he’ll do whatever it takes in order to stop the Rumbling, to achieve a greater good.  And I think this growth on Jean’s part ties directly into his relationship with and the influence of Levi.  Levi never judged Jean for being uncomfortable with killing, never criticized or scolded him for it.  He even told Jean that he couldn’t say, one way or the other whether Jean’s beliefs were right or wrong.  That Levi himself didn’t know the answer to that.  He never tried to convince Jean of anything.  He just told him the truth.  That his failure to kill had put the lives of his comrades in danger, including his own, and that it also caused Armin to have to bear the burden of killing another, one which should have been Jean’s own to bear.  All of that is absolutely true.  And it was really through this lack of judgment on Levi’s part that, I think, Jean was able to grow and expand his own views on killing, and adjust and allow for there to be circumstances in his world view which would justify taking another life.  He wasn’t forced by anyone to change his views.  He changed them based on experience and through Levi explaining to him that there is no definitive right or wrong answer to be found, and through Levi’s simply being honest with him.  He was telling Jean that it comes down to what one is willing to sacrifice in order to protect the things and people they value.  And Jean learned about himself that he’s willing and able to sacrifice more than he ever realized.

But it’s still a struggle, and something all of them, even at this point in the story, continue to battle themselves over.  We see Connie struggling in particular this chapter, looking anguished over what he had to do back at the port.  It’s only Levi who accepts that brutal reality of kill or be killed with a calm understanding, and I think this is probably because, unlike the rest of them, who all had peaceful, probably relatively easy and happy childhoods, without any exposure to violence or real cruelty, Levi, I think it can be safely assumed, probably took his first life while he was still a boy.  And doubtless, that was due to desperate circumstances.  Levi’s life has been one filled with uncertainty.  Growing up in extreme poverty, he never could have known with any certainty where his next meal would come from, or when.  Never knew with any certainty whether he could find proper shelter for the night, or a safe place to sleep.  Never knew with any certainty whether he would be assaulted, or robbed, or if someone would attempt to take his life.  Levi’s life has been one of desperation and a true, unforgiving struggle to simply survive.  And so while all of his comrades have seen and experienced the horrors of war with him, none of them can know with the same level of understanding that true kind of desperation of simply trying to live day to day, that kind of awful and overwhelming uncertainty and fear of not knowing if you’ll be alive from one day to the next.  It’s those kinds of experiences in life that really separate Levi from the rest of his comrades, and in a lot of ways, isolate him from them.  It’s why the extremity of their circumstances and the desperation of their situation in this final arc continually shocks and overwhelms them, but Levi regards it all with his usual, if deeply saddened, calm.

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #Levi Ackerman #jean krischtein #snk 133 #meta #thoughts

[writeblrfantasy]

when the witches call interludes: suzume

wc 675

Kenji is dead.

Don’t think about it. Thinking about it would only send Suzume into a spiral of further despair. But what else is there to think about but the weight of her brother in her arms, the red blood so very normal pouring from him. Having poured from him. It flows no more, just staining both of their clothes now, and Suzume’s hands. She thinks of her own blood, a pale silver unnatural of anything in this world Kenji shared with her. Suzume does not belong here.

She thinks of Viola’s voice, a harsh sound that follows her around all too much these days. Suzume’s blood, level zero. She doesn’t even have a gun. She’s never manifested her power. She’s still not quite sure how Viola and the others found her.

A witch who does not exercise her power is useless, Viola said to her during one of their first conversations. Suzume still remembers the way she stung.

I may not use my power, she said, but I still have it, and that should be enough to make you hesitate. In hindsight, that threat was not much; Viola was centuries older than her and already level six by that point. Threatening her was not a wise or effective idea, but Suzume had been only twenty then, unsure and frightened.

Now, she is seventy five, but still looks the same as the day she and Viola met while the lifeless Kenji has gray in his beard and wrinkles creasing his face.

What does Suzume have to do to prove she’s good? That she can be like her brother, the humans she went to school with, the parents who never did anything but live selflessly? Witches protect, but they also harm. Suzume can’t help what she is, but she can help what she does.

She swore she would never use her magic. She wonders now if she had used it, would that have made any difference? Could she have tracked Kenji through the army, healed him after every battle, committed herself just as much to the war as he was forced to? Should she have simply joined up with him in the first place?

She can never know. She sits on a body filled street in the middle of Miykawa, clutching her brother’s wizened, lifeless corpse as she cries. Being a witch will not save him. It will not save her from this pain, this feeling like she’s falling.

To others, she will receive simple sympathy, whispers about another soul lost to this war of greed. Another family member dissolved into grief and prayer. None whom this war touches are left unbroken. Suzume as well as Kenji will be just another victim.

That is what others would say, the way the order of things is supposed to be. Suzume will sooner join Kenji in death than let that be her legacy, just another name in a booklet beside her brother’s.

This war is so cruel, drafting both the young and old. Kenji was seventy, but that didn’t matter. He was always strong. It turned out to be his detriment.

Suzume whispers an apology into Kenji’s cold forehead, for all the good that will do. She stands, ignoring the sticky eyes of green clad guards here to dispose of the dead. Her time with Kenji was limited anyway.

She will not use her magic. That will not change just because Kenji is dead, Suzume a failure. Rather, she will prove to herself and Viola’s voice in her head that she does not need this strange, cursed power to get what she wants.

She has heard whispers of a rebellion in this city, a resistance against the ruthless draft gathering in the circuses and the whorehouses, the fine establishments of entertainment that make Miykawa famous and loved. Those who serve the government with their art are rising up against them, seeking revenge. Suzume will find this rebellion if it takes her a hundred years, the whole damn war.

No—she will do one better.

She will lead it.

wtwc taglist (lmk to be added/removed): @magic-is-something-we-create @47crayons @saltwaterbells @piyawrites @faithfire

#writing #writeblr #my wip #fantasy #fantasy writeblr #my writing #bean's excerpts #excerpt from my wip #fantasy writing #lila's wips: wtwc

[retvenkos]

OK so i just had the horrible thought of: (tw//depression, selfharm mention)

what if matthias never became a druskelle and... i have Thoughts. to say the least.

first off, he would literally be such a different person. my first q would be, "is his family dead?" is yes, this story is even more tragic than that of his canon timeline.

bc i have the idea/headcanon that becoming a druskelle gave him a purpose/something else to focus on rather than being swallowed by his grief of losing his ENTIRE family.

but w/o this sort of crutch... matthias would fall right into that pit of despair. i dont think he would harm himself or anything bc in my head, i believe its seen as "wrong" to harm oneself over something like that.

i feel like fjerdans as a society are very much "move on and let it go" kinds of people. (i can expand on that: i personally headcanon that when something tragic happens that the person is allowed to visit the ice court or some kind of place of worship to djel and "give" her their grief. in this sense they may seem very dismissive but its a way for them to move on and live)

so when matthias' family dies, he does this. he goes and prays the grief away. but it doesnt work. and so he thinks everyone around him has lied his whole life. hes a child with no family so he already feels MASSIVELY displaced and doesn't know who to turn to.

i think he'd be really lost and that hurts to think about because he really found his people with the other crows. even with all of their differences, the crows ARE his people. and it makes me sad i thought this cursed AU up JGDSBJGSDBGJ

rowan!!!!!!! your mind is so powerful,,,,,

i 100% agree that matthias used being a drüskelle as a way to Not Deal with his emotions on a heartbreak level, but rationalize in his mind that he is doing something, because he's learning how to avenge them. honestly, i think that his family being killed by an inferni is a big reason why he mistrusts grisha - the drüskelle training certainly informs his decisions, but i also think that for a long time, he was able to justify that what the drüskelle are saying must be true, because look what happened to his family. (which, complete sidenote, but i think that's also why nina saving him and also having been a soldier whose life was torn up by the fighting makes such a perfect catalyst for his transformation. it is yes that he ~loves her~ but also that like,,,,, he begrudgingly sees how similar they are, and also can't reconcile the fact that a grisha saved him. that not all grisha are the same! that not all grisha are the people who killed his family! idk. there's just,,,,, a lot there.)

and i agree that without a family - without some scaffolding when he's young and without some purpose afterward,,,,, matthias would flounder. he'd definitely have a rough go of it - and judging by how angry he was when he was a boy, i'm not entirely sure that he would search for purpose in benevolent ways like rebuilding his town. i honestly think that whether he is taken in by the drüskelle or not, matthias' quest for purpose in life would always lead him to taking revenge on grisha. i imagine there has to be fjerdan grisha hunters that aren't drüskelle. and maybe they're not hunters per se but slavers - like they sell grisha to kerch as indentures or sell them to the wandering isle for their blood in a quest to "rid their land" of grisha or something. i think that matthias - young and angry and looking for some way to get rid of the anger in his chest - might just fall into that. i mean, we already know he's malleable, based off of how jarl brum was able to influence him, so it's not a stretch that someone might find this boy and use him for their own nefarious purposes. even though matthias' family gave him morals and a heart, i think it would be easy for him to fall in with a crowd that like and,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, not to say that what the drüskelle are doing is okay (because it's not, dear God it's not),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but i think without the religious influence, matthias would be a much harsher character to literally everyone. redeeming him would be so much harder, because he'd literally hate everyone, imo.

he'd hate the grisha for what they did. he'd hate his country because it did nothing to save him. he'd hate the people who underestimate him. he'd hate the people who hate him. he'd probably even hate the people he's worked with his entire life, because he knows it's not the life his parents would have wanted him to live but what can he do? and most of all,,,,, he'd hate himself.

honestly, this is a cursed au but it makes me think sO. MUCH. about how society shaped matthias but beyond that - how he latched onto this idea of religion that really gave him purpose and a way to subconsciously deal with a lot of Stuff that he didn't want to work through. it gave him a way to file it away and push it under the bed - get the thoughts away before they ate him alive. without that religious influence, and becoming jaded and malleable,,,,,,,,,, matthias helvar would certainly not be an easy character to swallow (relative, of course, to his already difficult-to-handle nature).

#asks #murs — 🖤 #STOP— #you have me thinking of him again................ losing my mind once more........... #i want to eat glass thinking about matthias helvar sometimes

[loveinterestcastiel]

sursum corda

Part one of a new canon divergent series, “A Sacrament to Be Taken Kneeling”

Summary: the opening dialogue to the eucharistic prayer, or anaphora, translated to english means “lift up your hearts”, and is the beginning of a devout worshipper’s holy communion with god

Canon divergent from 6x22, this one is rated M for religious blasphemy, power dynamics, and mature subject matter (later installments will be rated E for violence, sexual content, and graphic depictions of blood). Honestly this is just a fucked up exploration of the catholicnatural that could have been if the spn writers hadn’t been cowards and had instead really leaned into the whole Godstiel thing, and his dynamic with Dean. I’m going to hell for this and you know what? That’s just fine with me.

It can be read here or in AO3! Enjoy <3

Castiel was brighter than the sun, and he was beautiful. He was the most terrifying thing Dean had ever seen, because somewhere in there, he could still see Cas, the old Cas. He let Crowley go. Dean was going to kill that demon, but- later. Later, when they got out of here and got Sammy put back together.

Then Castiel blew Raphael up with nothing more than a snap of his fingers, and their most formidable adversary, after all these months, was suddenly just a bloody smear on the wall. The last Apocalyptic threat, gone, just like that, leaving Dean and Bobby alone with a Cas-gone-nuclear.

They were so, so fucked.

Cas looked over to Dean, his face softening incrementally but still distinctly smug.

"So you see," he said, turning away from Dean and moving as if to inspect his explosive handiwork, "I saved you."

Dean Winchester is saved.

“You sure did, Cas,” Dean said faintly, drifting further into Cas’s orbit as if somehow compelled. Castiel didn’t acknowledge him, keeping his back turned, his spine ramrod straight. Damage control. Holy fucking shit, damage control right now. “Thank you.”

“You doubted me. Fought against me.” He slowly turned to face Dean, a mockery of their first meeting in that rundown barn years ago, tilting his head the same way, his blue eyes the same limitless color and just as mesmerizing, but somehow about a million times more unsettling. “But I was right all along.”

Dean’s stomach swooped. “Okay, Cas, you were. We’re sorry,” he added quickly, his breath shallow and shaky. “Now let’s just defuse you, okay?” he suggested, the words cumbersome and heavy in his mouth.

Cas narrowed his eyes almost imperceptibly before relaxing again. “What do you mean?” he asked icily.

Dean forged on desperately. “You’re full of nuke. It’s not safe, so before the eclipse ends, let’s get them souls back to where they belong.” Oh, he felt like he was going to be sick. Please, Cas, please just listen to me…

“Oh, no, they belong with me,” Cas countered, his tone almost patronizing, like he was speaking to a child.

“No, Cas,” Dean interrupted before his brain or his fear could catch up to him. “It’s- it’s scrambling your brain.”

“No, I’m not finished yet,” he said firmly, with the ghost of a cold smile tugging on his features. “Raphael had many followers, and I must-” Cas paused, choosing his words, “punish them all severely,” he finished deliberately.

Bobby’s eyes darted over to Dean. He was visibly horrified.

Okay. One last effort. Okay.

Dean shoved down his fear and tried again. “Listen to me.” He stepped closer to Cas, swallowing hard as his voice fought to stick in his throat and looking steadily into his eyes. “Listen- I know there’s a lot of bad water under the bridge. But we were family, once,” he pleaded. “I’d have died for you. I almost did a few times.” Castiel’s face remained impassive but Dean continued. “So if that means anything to you- please,” he begged, abandoning his pride. “I’ve lost Lisa, I’ve lost Ben, and now I’ve lost Sam. Don’t make me lose you too.”

Castiel wrenched his eyes away from Dean’s and cast his gaze down to the floor between them. Was he considering it?

“You don’t need this kind of juice anymore, Cas,” he tried to reason. “Get rid of it before it kills us all.”

A beat.

“You’re just saying that because I won,” Cas mused, raising his gaze back up to look at Dean again, pinning him there like a specimen under a microscope. “Because you’re afraid . You’re not my family, Dean,” he said, closing the remaining distance between them until he stood less than an arm’s reach away, positively radiating power, the air vibrating with it. “You’re just… human.”

His eyes lingered on Dean’s face, tracing his freckles, his eyelashes. Whatever he was looking for, he didn’t seem to find it. Castiel’s face hardened into stone, his next words iron. “I have no family.”

The words rang in Dean’s ears, banging about his brain and battering it into despair. It felt like a small death, his heart pulling on his ribs as he floundered for a new angle to pursue.

And then Sam was there, behind Castiel, and he just stabbed him with an angel blade, and Cas was swaying just a bit with the blade still stuck in his back as Sam gasped for air behind him, clearly distressed and stumbling backwards.

Dean froze, horrified.

What the FUCK were you thinking, Sam?

But- oh. Oh god.

Cas wasn’t dead. It didn’t work. His brain buzzed blankly with a static-y sensation of bewilderment as Cas reached around himself and pulled out the blade- shiny, clean, utterly free of blood- with an alarming squelching noise.

"I'm glad you made it, Sam," Cas said in a distressingly level voice, placing the newly-extricated angel blade on the table in front of him before turning to glance at Sam. “But the angel blade won’t work, because I’m not an angel anymore,” he said, matter-of-fact as could be, as if he hadn’t just dropped yet another massive bomb on their lives. Sam looked to Bobby, his eyes wide, and Bobby shrugged back minutely, similarly floored.

Look at me, Cas, leave Sammy alone, you’ve done enough-

As if he heard Dean’s thoughts- fuck, was he praying?- Castiel turned back to Dean and met his eyes. “I’m your new God,” he said, with an air of authority and immense self-satisfaction permeating his words. “A better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your Lord. Or I shall destroy you.”

Bobby’s eyes widened in the periphery of Dean’s vision as time seemed to swirl and slow down to a crawl- clearly, he hadn’t expected this either.

Sammy was strung out and swaying on his feet behind Cas, his eyes darting and rolling over the room as he rode out the hellish things that tormented him in his head, seemingly incapable of reacting to the gravity of the situation as what Cas had done put him out of his mind with fear.

In the span of a heartbeat, Dean made his choice. He had no choice.

He fell to his knees.

The crack of bone on hard tile was near agony. His gun clattered uselessly to the ground beside him as he shifted his gaze to land somewhere around the hem of Castiel’s coat. He couldn’t look at his face. Couldn’t meet his eyes. It was almost impossible to believe the terrifying figure before him was once his closest friend, and had saved him from Heaven and Hell alike before he had turned into whatever this was.

His throat was dry. He forced himself to swallow, drawing his tongue over his bottom lip as he tried to find the right words.

Bobby started to kneel, too. Survival instincts, probably. He’d have never gotten this old without them, anyway.

“My lord,” he began hesitantly.

The new God waved his hand dismissively at the title. “Castiel.”

“Castiel,” Dean corrected himself. Great start, you fuck up. “Cas, I swore my obedience to Heaven, once. To God, and his angels. To you,” his voice cracked as he risked a glance at the former angel. His eyes were like fire. Glowing. Unreal.

Bobby interrupted: “Dean, no-”

But Castiel snapped up a hand, palm out, and Bobby’s mouth moved, but no sound came out. “You will be silent,” Castiel ordered, his eyes never leaving Dean. He looked intrigued by Dean’s sudden compliance and admission. “I’d like to hear what you have to say, Dean. What can you possibly say to justify your lack of faith in me up until now? I could have cast you back into the pit, and Sam, too, had I not done this, all of it, for you.”

“I know you did, Cas,” Dean said. “Thank you. I- thank you. You were right, about everything, and I should have listened to you. I was wrong. I should have trusted you.” The words tasted like poison in his mouth. A part of him meant it. A part of him was just desperate enough to say anything. The rest of him wanted to see the cold monster in front of him dead. But how could he turn back now, without sentencing them all to death? If he played his cards right, he might even be able to save Castiel. Surely if he could get him to let go of those souls, he’d start to see reason, would be Cas again. But he was getting ahead of himself. Gotta think a little more short-term, right now. Band-aids and duct tape, not trauma surgery.

“I was blind,” Dean said, “and proud. I took you for granted, and I can do better. Be better. For- for you.”

He had never felt so weak. Groveling to his dad was different. He was his dad’s son, sure, but there was no love there. It was all survival, clinical, even his rage and his fists when Dean didn’t do enough to earn his mercy were detached. Duty and discipline and disappointment. This was different. It was hot with near-tears, messy and filled with grief for a man who wasn’t even dead. He wasn’t lying earlier when he told Cas he was like a brother to him. It was the closest comparison he had for what the angel was to his heart. He had never needed anyone like he needed Castiel- because he wasn’t Sammy, or Bobby, or Lisa, or Ben, or Cassie, or any other category of need. He was just Cas. And Dean wanted him in his life. Or he used to, anyway.

“I don’t know what I can do to make it right between us, Cas,” he said, his throat tightening slightly. “But I want to,” Dean offered, looking down in shame. “I want to be-” he choked out.

“What do you want, Dean?” Castiel asked, taking another step forward, the very picture of authority and control. One more step and Dean could reach out and touch him. The air was electric, heady with power as it positively radiated from his body.

He lifted his head to meet Castiel’s eyes in a pose of supplication, his knees aching, his eyes burning with tears as the situation started to overwhelm him. “I want to be forgiven,” he gasped out. “Cas, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forgive us.”

“And Sam’s betrayal?” Castiel inquired, casting new fear into Dean’s heart. “He stabbed me in the back. And he has not knelt as you have. Why should I offer him mercy?” he mused.

“Look at him, Cas,” Dean said quietly. Sam was hunched over on the floor in the corner, holding his head in his hands, rocking slightly into the wall and pushing off of it again in a strange repetitive motion. “He can’t follow any of this. I don’t think he even knows where we are. It’s been getting worse as time passes. He was slightly more coherent an hour ago, but-” Dean shook his head. “I think he was just trying to protect me. I don’t think he even knew who you were, just- saw a threat and tried to take it out.”

Cas made a noncommittal little noise, glancing over to where Sam had retreated.

“Cas,” Dean said, drawing his attention back to himself. “He didn’t know what he was doing. Can you try to forgive him that?” he pleaded as the first tear escaped and ran down his cheek.

“And in return?”

“Anything,” Dean swore. “Just- Cas, please. I’ll do anything. I will, I swear it. Just please help Sammy.”

“It won’t be as easy as you think,” Castiel warned. “I want your trust, Dean. I want the bond we once had, and your submission to my better judgement, untainted by your... fear.” His voice turned hungry, reminiscent of when they worked that killer Cupid case last year and it turned out to be Famine. To be on the receiving end of desire of that magnitude was by turns exhilarating and horrifying. “I want your love.”

“Cas,” Dean said faintly, unable to tear his eyes away from his friend’s face even as Bobby attempted to fight his holy gag order from his place next to him. “I… I’ll try. For you,” he added, trying to add a note or resolve to his voice as his thoughts roared in fear and grappled with the idea, stuck on the precipice of this terrible new unknown he had run up against. But he truly had no choice. Sink or swim.

“I swear, Cas,” he said, raising his hand to his heart, “I’ll try.”

Castiel’s eyes softened. They stopped glowing.

Suddenly, for a moment, he looked just like himself. More than that, he looked heartbreakingly human.

He moved suddenly, sending Dean’s heart sprinting again for what felt like the hundredth time that day.

But he didn’t hurt him. He didn’t hurt Sam, or smite Bobby, or engage in any sort of holy wrath. He just kneeled, in front of Dean, and clasped his clammy hands briefly in his own warm, dry ones before shifting them both to his right hand and raising his right palm to Dean’s cheek, his eyes darting over his features with an air of disbelieving gratitude. It was so...

Castiel had lovely hands, Dean noticed. Strong, soft, and broad, with a gentle grip and long, agile fingers. So different from Dean’s own hands, already scarred from the last few years of wear and tear since his resurrection. Of course, he’d noticed before. Noticed that sort of thing about Castiel, how he used his hands to fight, to pray, to eat and to comfort, how they looked drenched in blood and how they looked at rest. How they looked striking a blow to his own face, and how they looked when he healed him. They were one of a million things Dean knew about him better than he knew himself.

“Oh, Dean,” he said softly, “That’s all I ask of you. Just try. Lift up your heart to me, and I will give you everything.”

Dean inhaled sharply, his chest tight as he leaned into the touch. "It's yours," he breathed out, "It's all yours, Cas."

Castiel smiled, and the world fell away.

Tagging in some people who I think might be interested, just dm me to be added or removed: @castieljew @dependsupon @autisticandroids @sunforgrace @heller-jensen @lateral-org @cactuscas @adhdeancas @icaruscastiel @holmesemrys @evermorecastiel @yana125 @faithcastiel @good-things-do-happen-dean @i-sing-for-me @whatevr-4evr @sonder-stars @jeanne-de-valois

#destiel #castiel #dean winchester #deancas #my fic #destiel fic #ao3 link #a sacrament to be taken kneeling series #astbtk series #godstiel #this is all catholicnatural baby #catholicnatural #dm me to be added to/removed from tags #inspired by a castieljew post #castieljew #dependsupon #autisticandroids #sunforgrace #heller-jensen #lateral-org #cactuscas #adhdeancas #icaruscas #holmesemrys #evermorecastiel #yana125 #faithcastiel #good-things-do-happen-dean #i-sing-for-me #whatevr-4evr