#he's a literal fucking ptsd trigger. how fucking insane is that
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i know nobody is online rn to read this but ;-; i gotta get it off my chest i love ken so much he means everything to me he's making me so happy and i've needed him so so so bad. he's brought me comfort when my ptsd has been so fucking unbearable and every time i'm having a crying fit over losing my tf f/os or every time i'm having a flashback i ALWAYS immediately IMMEDIATELY think about him rushing to my side, holding me and saying "hey hey it's okay, i'm here, i'm right here" and it's such a relief because i haven't been able to genuinely wholeheartedly believe any character would be willing to do that for me the entire time i've been struggling this year.
i've never gone so long without comfort from f/os, much less being triggered by the ones who used to comfort me the most. so to have barbie and ken right now is like the biggest wave of relief every single day when i wake up and the hyperfixation is still there. sometimes i will literally close my eyes and sigh in relief when i hear a song and my first thought is sebastian or ken or six or... whomever. i love being in love again. i NEED this. i love waking up and my first thought isn't my trauma most of the time now, it's ken. or it's six. or it's barbie. or it's harley. or it's officer k. or it's... yeah you get it. i needed these characters so fucking badly. every time i see a gifset and get excited over it, i feel a rush of gratitude bc self shipping has always been the glue holding me together. it doesn't feel as intense or strong as the SB musical or TF used to make me feel but i am not picky. not at all. i will take anything and i'm praying this lasts for at LEAST another few weeks please
i may not be at a sense of peace right now and i dont know when i ever will be, it could be years, but im so. so. so. so so so thankful to have these characters right now when i've needed someone so badly for so long. i hope ken knows how much i love him ;-; i hope barbie knows how much she has helped me, has saved me from one of my major triggers and has helped me to love and feel safe around the color pink again. i wish they could see me when i'm not so broken but i'm glad they're here even when i'm at my worst, i'm glad they still love me even when they deserve to see me in a much better light
#it feels so fucking terrible not celebrating my bday with my starlight. i used to buy myself cakes and put his figurine next to them#i mean i still have... a little bit over one week... i cant... let it pass by without him being involved somehow#so i might make a quick vent doodle and queue it for the actual day of my bday#i refuse to not draw myself with him at least once for my special day#its not like we 'broke up' or anything but fuck it feels so bad#he's a literal fucking ptsd trigger. how fucking insane is that#im still in shock. im still in shock over what happened to me like i cant fucking believe it#wearing his necklace makes me cry so i just leave it on my dresser#that shouldnt be normal!!!!#but im hoping that shipping with barbie/ken is going to help me feel like i can reclaim control over my ships#bc my abuser made me feel like... i had no control over my TF ships whatsoever for a solid year#so now that i'm finally free of that toxicity i'm still shakily trying to learn how to ship again#i'll have moments where i'll worry ken will try to hurt me on purpose bc im so used to my abuser telling me how abusive any f/o would be#but then i tell myself 'hey what the fuck. this is MY story. NOBODY would abuse me i dont care WHO they are'#but it's so hard to unlearn several months of abuse 😔#and even harder to look at a character who i invested so much time and energy and money into#my voice clips. my cameos. all of my steve blum autographs. my art for steve. all of it feels sad and numbing#not just stsc but everyone in any TF universe feels like... a threat and i get panic attacks when i see very specific characters sometimes#its awful. it hurts so bad. i love ken so much. but nothing compares to what i had with my TF comfort characters#but it's okay bc... ken is holding my hand and he might not understand ptsd at all but he can still squeeze me tight#and six HAS c-ptsd he GETS it. and he's there to hold me when my nightmares make me fall apart. he's my rock#vent#ptsd#sorry it's 5am i had a bad nightmare and now i refuse to sleep again#i fucking hate ptsd i fucking hate living like this i rly wish i knew how to cure myself#im exercising im eating and drinking often im sleeping as much as i can#theres only so much i can do#when does it get better?? when the fuck does it get better? im serious. not rhetorical. when does this finally heal#i dont even know if im healing or if im just distracted... but fuck ill take anything
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the entire encompassed plot of mob psycho had to be so insane for reigen in particular. before an elementary schooler with complex PTSD wandered into his forgettable, barely afloat scam office, he was just some guy. Literally a random lonely dude with no friends and no real direction. and then three years later he’s pulling the trigger on a pistol, trying to murder a homicidal terrorist with god-like powers who’s leveled the whole city in order to save his pupil’s life. this entire story had to be such a ride for him. at what point does he sit down and be like “how the actual fuck did this happen. how did i get here. that was a premeditated murder attempt.”
#self defense and justified but still#you get it#still the taking of a life#mp100#mob psycho 100#reigen arataka#shigeo kageyama
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Sometimes I think about the events of Superman: Emperor Joker and the fact Bruce knows what happened, even though he doesn't remember it. And I wonder how the fuck he coped with that.
Joker literally broke Batman. He killed him and then brought him back to life, again and again, each time with more ingenious torture methods, until he went mad. And at the end of the story, Joker is shown in a cell, crazy and babbling. Apparently the Universe has been put right after Joker's rampage, including Joker's own erased memories of it, but not... Bruce's. The things Joker put him through were impossible to undo. It was Clark who had the Spectre take away Bruce's memories of it all and put them in his head, so that Bruce might become sane again (supposedly, the Kryptonian biology helps).
But the thing is, Clark tells Bruce about it. Later on, one of Joker's plans seemed dangerously reminiscent of Emperor Joker, so Clark became understandably concerned that either Bruce or Joker remembered. (Actually, it's more fair to say Clark had PTSD post-Emperor Joker). It turns out that Bruce didn't recall anything, and Joker showed no signs of it either. But Clark ends up explaining himself to Bruce anyway. Bruce knows what Joker did:
Action Comics (1938) #784
Needless to say, it's all very Superbat, especially on Clark's side. But the even more interesting part of all of this is... that the issue belongs to the bigger arc called Joker: Last Laugh. That's the plot that triggered Clark into thinking Emperor Joker was happening again. And this confession happens right before #6-- aka, the time Dick Grayson beat Joker to death but then Batman saved his life. Saving Joker is actually what Bruce set out to do:
The whole thing culminates with Bruce apparently giving Joker CPR to bring him back (the first of two canonical times, actually):
Joker: Last Laugh #6
I really love it when context in comics makes an event that's already bonkers... even more fucking bonkers.
Because Bruce had learned that Joker literally drove him insane with such amounts of torture no human mind could withstand-- but still chose to save Joker's life. It wasn't even about making sure Dick doesn't become a killer, it was about saving Joker from the start.
#one asks themselves 'did they NEED to include this detail?? that makes everything more insane??'#also you know how I joke that Superbat is 'I can fix him' and Batjokes is 'I can make him worse'#well the plot of Emperor Joker is LITERALLY that. Joker breaks Batman and then Superman fixes him#[head in hands]#and I didn't even comment on Bruce's possessiveness of his own pain#batman#joker: last laugh#superman: emperor joker#bruce wayne#clark kent#joker#dick grayson#batjokes#batjokes meta#my meta
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HEY GUYS HERE'S PART 2 OF THE HEMINGWAY RANT ! ask and you shall recieve :)
you can read part 1 HERE and also read the trigger warnings there before you start, this one also has a lot of war trauma talk nothing too bad though
people that read the first one and I think wanted to be tagged in part 2: @mister3127 @crayonssmellgood @mack-anthology-of-noise @vampireboywife
okay welcome back to episode 2 of why the fuck am I hooked on the life of an american writer from the 1930s. so I have a couple more interesting facts about him because tbh this man was insane :D
so let's do a little compare and contrast game. hemingway grew up in the great lakes area and enjoyed big game hunting, solo fishing trips, had a father who was a doctor locally famous for performing c-sections whom he worshipped, was injured passing out cigarettes and chocolate to Italian soldiers in WW1, and spent time recovering in Milan
hemingway's most famous short stories are his Nick Adams stories. he created this character that he called Nick Adams and wrote stories about Nick's entire life. here are some things about nick: he grew up in the great lakes area and enjoyed big game hunting, solo fishing trips, had a father who was a doctor locally famous for performing c-sections whom he worshipped, was injured passing out cigarettes and chocolate to Italian soldiers in WW1, and spent time recovering in Milan. are we seeing the similarities???
so Hemingway was out here basically writing self insert war fic. most critiques will tell you that he based Nick Adams on himself, but they fail to tell you to what extent. like the similarities are INSANE. Nick Adams was literally Hemingway as a book character. and he very obviously wrote these stories as a coping mechanism for his war ptsd. the stories are often extremely plotless and sometimes rambling- you can tell it's just an expression of his brain to the point where while reading some of his work, my only thought was literally "go to therapy. talk this out with someone." like it might not help but also it might because some of these stories are insane.
the ones that I think best demonstrates this are "a way you'll never be" and "now I lay me," which you can read in THIS PDF, just ctrl+f for the titles. a way you'll never be is about Nick Adams being sent out to the front lines of Italy in American uniform to spread morale. he also has a head injury and also some mental issues and ends up going on a rant about grasshoppers to all the soldiers (because grasshoppers are significant in his childhood of fishing and whatnot) and just generally while you read it you can tell it was written by someone extremely mentally ill to the point where it's like. hard to read. "now I lay me" is a similar idea except this one is mainly about how Hemingway, for much of his life, could not sleep without another person in the room or a light on because he would get horrible nightmares. this one is pretty hard to read as well, and there's some dialogue at the end that makes very little sense out of context of the other Nick Adams stories.
essentially reading Nick Adams stories is like weaving a huge web of plot points and similarities of hemingway's life, and along the way you start learning the significance of things like trout and grasshoppers and the different representations of trauma and it all comes together in a huge pile of what the fuck did I just read please talk to someone about this, I am concerned and this seems really unhealthy. and also the wildest part is he literally did this, published these nick Adams stories, and people ATE THEM UP. they were like yesss hemingway another banger plotless ramble about war traumaaa!!! like people ATE UP his work. and even to this day I don't see anyone talking about how insane it was that he literally did this. someone please tell me i'm right about this I feel like a crazy person.
anyway on a happier note, to end part 2 I would love to tell my favourite Hemingway story.
so if you're familiar with f. Scott Fitzgerald (the guy who wrote great Gatsby), you might be surprised to learn that him and hemingway had a kind of love/hate/friends/kind of homoerotic but Hemingway was homophobic (read the Mother of a queen) relationship. they used to write letters to eachother and edit each other's work !! Hemingway once sent a draft of a story to F. Scott and F. Scott sent back 10 pages of edits. Hemingway sent a letter back that only said "kiss my ass." Hemingway also wrote a really sweet letter to F. Scott at one point that you can read HERE in which he wrote "you are twice as good now as you were at the time you think you were so marvellous," and also "anyway I’m damned fond of you" and then signed it "always your friend." which was cute. Hemingway also like. DESPISED f scott's wife with a passion. do with that what you will.
anyway here's the interesting part !! this is a pretty famous story that Hemingway wrote about later after it happened. so this one time hemingway and f. scott were having dinner in Paris and F. Scott expressed his concern that his dick was too small. so Hemingway said hey, come to the bathroom and we'll compare dick sizes don't worry. and then they did. and hemingway's response was "you're perfectly fine". so uh. here's some articles about that one time F. Scott Fizgerald and Ernest Hemingway compared dick sizes in a Paris bathroom...... 1 2
and YEAH !! thank you for reading part 2 of my insane Hemingway rants!!! hope yall learned something !!!
here's my list of recs of Hemingway stories if you're interested and want to read some of his shit, again all of them can be found HERE
so the 2 most entertaining reads are "the short happy life of francis macomber" and "the undefeated", those have the most plot, if you read short happy life please hmu send me an ask and tell me if you think margot was guilty or innocent
some concerning nick adams stories: "in another country", "a way you'll never be", "now i lay me", "big two-hearted river" parts 1 and 2
i wrote an essay on this one, it has some homophobic undertones: "the mother of a queen"
and finally my personal fave "a clean well-lighted place"
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why are upstairs neighbors the way they are. i know this is long but can somebody please . please read this and give me a reality check
the last few people who rented the apartment above us were annoying too but it pales in comparison to whoever lives there now. Every single fucking day, usually in the evenings or late afternoons, they do ... Something. it could be sex or some kind of exercise or any other number of things. It's just a lot of THUD THUD THUD THUD THUDs on and off for half an hour to an hour and a half. Today it started at 8pm and lasted til 9 but the last time I made a note of the time it happened around 3pm as I was trying to do homework.
It feels like the whole ceiling shakes. I swear sometimes it fucks with the air pressure in my ears, which is really hard to notice until it's driving me insane, like a grain of sand in my sock. It's started to stress out our dog, which just makes her start barking (and she's clearly barking at the ceiling), but her barking is in itself overstimulating, which stresses us out more, which she picks up on, which just makes her bark more because she's baby and doesn't like it when her dads are anxious.
The thudding alone can be enough to overstimulate us, but combined with the barking and coincidental other neighbor noises that don't usually bother us, it's... Extremely draining. We're both neurodivergent people with PTSD. Loud, unpredictable noises don't really mix well with us. On more than one occasion my partner's had full blown anxiety attacks bc of the combination of sudden loud noises (a known trigger for them) and the overstimulation (another known trigger for them). We like. Actively can't keep living like this. lmao. I cannot stress enough how it is every day and never quite at the exact same time so we can emotionally prepare for it, and it's not like we should have to prepare to exist in our own living room anyways.
Anyways I just need to purge all of my anxieties and get a reality check about this. Help
We could just be stupid and unreasonable and should just grow up and get over it, and will be fully confronted with that if we do anything.
We might just open ourselves up to harassment (or becoming the butt of a lot of jokes) because we're the whiny neighbors who have nothing better to do than complain
Even if we are being reasonable, it doesn't really make a difference, because if our neighbors think that we're not, they could harass us anyways
They could make a noise complaint about our dog out of spite ("why are you mad at Them when it's Your dog that barks")
Maybe we're also extremely annoying neighbors and we'll look like huge assholes/idiots if we complain about anyone else (implausible, but again. Small dog)
What if we try to contact them and they interpret it as an attack on them. We think one of the people living above us is a very large, heavyset man we've seen around the apartment complex, and we don't want to put our feet in our mouths if he's literally just vibing (or worse, excercising to lose weight) and we just totally humiliate him by telling him his mere footsteps are overstimulating down here. I don't want anyone to feel BAD. (And we're also not totally sure the guy we've seen is actually the guy above us, we just know they showed up around the same time)
We did actually try bonking the ceiling with a broom a few days ago and they obviously heard it because they stopped for a second, laughed, and started doing whatever it is more loudly, but what if that was entirely a coincidence and they didn't notice at all
What if they interpret any message we send as a passive-aggressive attack rather than just trying to let them know how loud they're being
And what if we do actually come across as passive-aggressive towards people who aren't us and we just make everything worse by bungling our communication attempts. It wouldn't be on purpose, but again it doesn't matter because some people interpret everything as an attack regardless
They could generally just fuck with our lives and make us miserable forever with no recourse if we fuck this up, too. like. We LIVE right BENEATH them. They know where we live and probably the layout of our apartment, since it's probably identical to theirs. They could probably figure out which car is ours. They could report our dog barking, or just come up with any number of fake/minor complaints. They could stalk us, vandalize our shit, intentionally make more noise or make louder noises and intentionally try to overwhelm/trigger us, or any number of things. Even if they got in trouble for it, that doesn't really matter because I just don't want it to happen in the first place.
And, worse, what if we try to get them punished, but it turns out we really were the aggressors the entire time according to anyone normal, and we just get our entire lives deservedly wrecked instead
i don't know what to dooooo
#I just have a really hard time judging myself and my own intentions#I feel like I must've gotten positive and negative responses to complaints completely at random as a kid#bc I just. do not have this skill at all.#I always feel like I'm going to get laughed at for how petty my problems are
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Wait, what Nessian hike scene? I quit reading after acomaf…
Oh God so this is going to be long but it makes zero sense without the bonkers context: in the Nessian book (book 4, Court of Silver Flames) there is this bass ackwards subplot invented to make sure Feyre can't solve the plot - SJM says, "Oh, Feyre - the 22 year old who learned to read last year - is pregnant by her 530 year old husband and so she can't fight!! 🥰💕🥰😌😌 Isn't this lovely?"
Except - and I am not joking this is all explained in EXCRUICIATING DETAIL - Feyre and Rhysand were having sex while Feyre was shape-shifting into an Illyrian and now the baby has wings. Apparently shape-shifting changes your entire DNA. And Illyrian women have pelvic bones shaped to carry winged babies but High Fae dont. Because Feyre and Rhys had wings while they banged, the baby has wings. And this is VERY DANGEROUS. So dangerous that Feyre cannot use any of her powers - cant shift back to the appropriate bone structure for the baby. The pregnancy could rip Feyre apart from the inside. They CANNOT do a c-section - they are extremely firm and insistent on this. Feyre is absolutely going to die if she continues the pregnancy to full term. The birth will be SUPER DANGEROUS.
And Rhysand just decides that Feyre doesn't need to worry her pretty little head about this information. He tells the details to every single person in the Inner Circle because he is just so SO worried about his darling Feyre...
But yeah she definitely doesn't need to know medical information about her pregnancy so that she can make informed desicions and choices of her own!! Who needs to make choices of your own free will when you have Rhysand amiright!?!?
Anyway Rhys and the whole Inner Circle have been treating Nesta like absolute scum and garbage because she has PTSD and isn't grieving in a nice, pretty way like Feyre or Elain. Nesta is self medicating with casual sex and copious amounts of booze and doesn't want to spend time with people who hate her (ie, the Inner Circle) so they get super salty and decide to tear down the apartment where Nesta is living, force her to move to the House of Wind with Cassian, who at this point has nothing positive to say abut Nesta except that she looks hot when she's starving herself, and order her to train as a warrior even tho Nesta has repeatedly expressed that she has zero interest in fighting as a soldier. They explain that she's EMBARRASSING to the Night Court and Feyre exclaims, "How can I have any right to rule if I can't control my own sister?"
Yeah.
So anyway Nesta is pissed as fuck about this after several hundred pages of MacGuffin Hunting and decides that it's wrong for Rhysand to be such a manipulative fucking control freak about their lives so she tells Feyre (correctly) that Rhysand doesn't really respect her because if he respected her, he'd tell her how dangerous her pregnancy really is.
Now we get to the hiking scene. Brace yourself because it's about to be gnarly as fuck:
So Nesta has spilled the beans. Feyre gets very sad and starts to cry like a little girl - which, for all intents and purposes, she is because SJM chose this book to make Feyre weirdly "pure" and innocent and a beacon of goodness and light. Weird choice given that Feyre is canonically willing to murder literally anyone who gets in the way of what she wants for her future, but whatever.
Seeing her sister cry makes Nesta extremely upset and triggers her to start having an absolute breakdown. The book so far has been full of passages describing Nesta's feelings of worthlessness, her lack of self-esteem, and the way she desperately needs to control some aspect of her life (drinking, having as much sex as possible with complete strangers, having rituals to lock her door and take baths because these things are insanely triggering for her) because all of her choices and autonomy are constantly being stripped from her. She fears now that Feyre will hate her, because she was angry when she revealed the truth - so Feyre won't hear the truth, but will hear Nesta's fury, and at last, her little sister will hate her for good. Their relationship may now be ruined.
However, instead of Feyre and Nesta having a heart to heart a la ACOTAR and instead of them collecting Elain and fucking off from the Night Court for good - Feyre runs crying to Rhysand, who gets so incredibly fucking angry with Nesta for... revealing the fact that he lied to his wife about her own pregnancy.
Rhysand orders Cassian to get Nesta out of Velaris, "Or I'll fucking kill her."
Actual line. From the text.
Now, idk if you've guessed by now, but Cassian is actually Nesta's love interest for this book! Spoiler alert, but they turn out to be mates!!! So what is Cassian, the most alpha of all the very alpha very sexy Bat Boys, going to do when some random ass guy who is smaller than him threatens his mate?
Nothing.
Actually, I lied - Cassian obeys Rhysand unquestioningly. Zero instincts with regards to protecting his mate, whom he is supposed to be falling in love with, whom he is supposed to respect. He takes Nesta out of the city and thinks about how fucking angry he is with her, how mean and awful and cruel she is for... telling Feyre - again, correctly!!!!! - that Rhysand doesn't respect her as an equal and that her pregnancy is dangerous. He decides that he's going to punish Nesta by forcing her to hike across the mountains! He and Rhysand have a good little mental chuckle about this. Haha, Nesta hates hiking and being in nature, she'll be so miserable, but she totally deserves this for being a nasty evil person who we dislike. :)
During this conversation when Cassian decides to physically punish Nesta for acting out, also, it's revealed that Feyre is TOTALLY fine with the fact that Rhysand kept details about pregnancy secret from her. It totally doesn't matter that he lied to her and removed her agency and her ability to make informed decisions about her own life and body. He always has good intentions and just overreacted out of his overwhelming love for her, and who is Tamlin, again? What was the issue with him supposed to be? Anyway, I forget! Who cares!? Feysand baby is a go, they're going to name him Nyx <3
Cassian and Nesta are now hiking. Nesta is neither eating nor drinking, even though they are literally marching up and down multiple mountain peaks. For days, Cassian does not speak to Nesta except to bark orders at her about where to stop for the night, and to wake her up in the morning. Nesta rapidly spirals, thinking about how she's in pain and how much she deserves this, since she's a hateful person who has ruined every relationship she's ever had, so it's fine if she dies.
Cassian thinks, "Huh, Nesta's awfully quiet. Weird. She's probably preparing to yell at me again, she's such a bitch."
But then he notices how little she's eating, and how hard she's pushing herself despite her being much physically weaker than him, and he wonders if she's trying to kill herself.
He doesn't react to this insight, and continues marching her across the mountains until Nesta quite literally passes out from exhaustion.
Cassian is now somewhat worried - he's still angry at her, though, and yells at her that she should have been drinking more water.
Soulmates, everybody!
Anyway, once Nesta is revived, they have a heart-to-heart... sort of. Nesta tells him how worthless she feels, and how she genuinely believes she deserves what is happening to her. She thinks that she deserves cruelty, and is completely un-loveable, because she couldn't forgive her father for neglecting them as children and he still went out to die for them. Cassian... replies that he once burned down a village because that was where his mom was from and his mom was mistreated. No reaction to any of Nesta's insecurities. He doesn't reassure her, or tell her that he loves her no matter what, or that her pain doesn't define her worth as a person. He tells her that the best time to be a nice person was yesterday, and the second best time is today. Then he gives her a sword and tells her to start her training up. They have sex by a lake.
Ta-da! Nesta is now cured of her PTSD.
That's the hiking chapter! And while I'm at it -
At the end of the book, Cassian has never once admitted to liking Nesta as a person on the page - oh, he loves having crazy sex with her and her huge boobs, but he still kinda thinks she's an unreasonable bitch - and Nesta has gotten on her knees to apologize to the Inner Circle for being inconvenient and mean to them. Nobody ever apologies for calling Nesta worthless, or telling her she ought to be thrown into a dungeon in the Court of Nightmares, or for tearing down her house, or chasing her out of Velaris. Nesta sacrifices her vaguely defined powers to save the Feysand baby. And they all live happily ever after.
I rarely call out authors directly but I hope this long ass post explains my very deep and special personal hatred for SJM. She wrote a "healing arc" for Nesta which involved her being physically beaten into submission and molded into a "nicer" person for the Inner Circle's convenience. I have never read anything more fucking disgusting than Court of Silver Flames.
Tldr: You quit while you were head anon, and I'm proud of you.
#anti sjm#anti cassian#anti rhysand#anti inner circe#LMAO I'M SORRY BUT I GOTTA BE SAFE WITH THESE FUCKING TAGS YALL#anyway fuck silver flames all my homies hate silver flames#stan nesta archeron
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Relating to this post and this post, but I feel there is this stigma around "being triggeered" an acting in a way that is charged by the fact you are "triggered" as though it undermines your actions, invalidates your actions, or makes you wrong because its some "mental health symptom"
But being triggered literally has no weight to it and while it provides context, does not inherently make anything right or wrong, good or bad, valid or not.
In fact, I would even make the claim that being triggered really isn't inherently even a negative thing to be in all situations. Often times? Yes. Sometimes though? Its adaptive, appropriate, and useful to handle situations.
The difference? Control, awareness, and moderation - as well as just generally how deeply triggered you are. (cause if you are having full on flashbacks and full dissociative freeze, theres little 'control' you can put to that level of triggered; for the point of this post, I am talking about emotionally triggered / passively triggered)
There is nothing inherently wrong with operating in / from a mindset informed and charged by past experiences. Can it be excessive? Yes. Can it cloud judgement? Yes. Can it get out of hand and become self destructive / harmful and add more stress and harm to oneself if left to fester? Yes. Are any of those inherently going to happen if you indulge and allow those feelings to have space to air and inform your decisions? Absolutely not.
Cause here's the thing - especially with DID - being triggered can take up a fucking huge part of your life if you have C-PTSD or a CDD - thats just the facts of the life. If you have DID, you might have parts and fragments that in the very essence of them, are going to be triggered cause theyre trauma holders, EPs, fragments, and what not. Some of them literally don't exist outside of the constant internal existence of what they've been through. If you are going to wait until you are "not triggered" to live your life, you are never going to get anywhere. If you treat being triggered as this moral failing or intellectual failing, you are going to deeply struggle to build a loving relationship with the hurt you've been through.
The ways you act when you are triggered had / have a purpose. Even if the behavior is 99.9% of the time maladaptive and unhealthy, at least ONCE in your life it was adaptive and served to tell and communicate something stupid fucking important - otherwise it would not be there.
The challenge is figuring out what that stupid fucking important thing is beyond the stress that those 99.9% maladaptive behaviors and mindsets while triggered are, but every part and every trauma response is there to tell you something you need to know.
If you are able to be okay with being triggered, know where it comes from, know what its trying to tell you, know where it intends to go and what it will want to do, and you are able to walk away from it when you realize it is no longer serving you, being "triggered" can be an aid in your recovery and life in the occasional moments when that percentage of "adaptive behavior" presents itself.
XIV 1.0 was a pure solid EP who literally only experienced sadistic high from causing problems and screwing over established structures and would ACTIVELY look for things to be annoyed at / mad about and people making silly exploitable mistakes so that he could make them regret it and so he could get a high of some ambiguous concept of "dominating" and thus crushing people. It stems from the fact that in our household it was eat or be eaten and the most aggressive manipulative and intimidating person controlled the house, including safety, security, food, and if our dad was going to rage and hurt people. Having that insane high and joy from sadistically dominating people the second they make a single exploitable mistake is something that SEVERELY saved our ass growing up when we were a preteen left to figure out how to make sure our parents didn't get us killed.
Upon fusing with Rayku years ago I really realized as FUNNY and FUN as all that shit still registered to me, as much of an addictive high it gave me, the only place that shit was going to get me was an early grave and hurting everyone else in the system so I put a few years into learning to put that skill and joy on the shelf to use if it is ever needed again.
And every so often? Someone gets power hungry and abusive in a way that is fucked up and needs to be shaken, torn down, and have the small little mistakes exploited to punish shitty people behavior, and yeah, I'll be running off of a similar mindset to my trauma environment. Yeah I'll be having almost the same feelings and disproportionate focus and adrenaline. Yeah I'll essentially be having a passive emotional ""flashback"", but at any point, anyone in the system can say "hey XIV thats enough" and I literally can take a deep breath, sigh, and put it aside and go "yeah you're right"
I can choose to allow this to fester and direct my actions and I can choose to put it away as we see it necessary.
So yeah I am probably technically "triggered", but thats honestly by intention. Its helpful and adaptive. It lets me take down shit I find disgusting. I can put it away whenever I want to, I just simply choose to not, because in this moment, being triggered is far more helpful and adaptive to my current goals in life than being placated and peaceful. Plus, because we can turn it on and off as we need, everyone else can just exist as they do while I sit and indulge this when I feel the need to and trust that others will just tell me to cool it if I ever get too deep.
Cause honestly, its also this openness to indulge "being triggered" that is like... honestly the crux of being able to fuse and unfuse at relative will. It's how Chunn and I fuse and unfuse like every few weeks. We choose to indulge our exaggerated corners of the brain when we want to be seperate and shrug it off and let them meld when we want to be together.
#alter: xiv#fusion fuckery#wishiwashi#wishiwashi recovery#trauma talk#cptsd#ptsd#actuallydid#dissociative identity disorder#final fusion#functional multiplicity#syscussion#sysconversation#xiv rant
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I absolutely loved this episode of the last of us but it really emphasised how mean spirited tlou part 2 is and that it was heralded by people as such a masterpiece makes me feel violently depressed about what that says about the bleakness of life and this planet we live on.
Never more than in this week’s episode have we seen so intimately Joel’s mental state. This is an addition in the show; the conversation between Joel and Tommy is very different in the game. We know Joel feels like that but it never says it so explicitly. And that’s a good thing. So much of who Joel is is shaped by his devastating loss. He has severe ptsd and trauma from not only losing Sarah, but the way he lost her. He wasn’t able to save her, he failed her, and that’s why Ellie terrifies him! Because he presumes he’s going to do the same thing again. He’s going to lose her. He even lists ways he’s already let her down. It’s made patently clear in the way he is with Ellie and things he says to her that this fear is because he cares about her. He tells her he does outright. And as he begins to care for her, we see his ptsd rearing its head in more obvious/physical ways. Makes sense, right? Loving someone, caring for them— that’s Joel’s trigger. But we also see something else. We see Joel talking. Jesus he’s barely talked this series so far in the way he does in episode 6. Most of the time his conversations have revolved around logistics and plans. Now he’s talking about dream jobs and football and his old life. And he’s smiling when he does it. He’s laughing. There’s so much contentment in him in his scenes with Ellie. This is what healing looks like. There are painful, heart stopping moments. But there’s also joy. When was the last time Joel felt joy, do you think?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The Last of Us Part 1 is a love story at its very core. It’s about how love is where you find a reason to live even in dire times like an apocalypse. It’s about how things can seem so bleak but if you allow yourself to love, you CAN find pockets of joy. You can find hope. This is what Joel learns through Ellie. Love makes life worth living again. And, in fact, it saves you. There’s a reason we have a cutscene with Bill in the game in which he tells Joel that caring about someone only gets you killed. It’s not just a throwaway line as we traverse Bill’s Town with him. It’s a proper, cinematic cutscene. Bill tells Joel/us this, and then the narrative works the rest of the time to undermine it. Ellie’s love for Joel is what saves his life in winter. The things she does to keep him alive and safe are insane. It’s not just finding food and water for them both at 14 years old. She finds medicine. She uses herself as bait to keep David away from Joel. That’s nuts! And it’s because of love. Love is what helps Joel not get killed. It’s the same for Ellie later: because Joel loves her, he saves her life instead of letting her get killed. He sees her as a person of value, as a person whose life means something irrelevant of her immunity. He sees her as someone who deserves to live. Love literally saves her fucking life. And as well as all this, we see how love saves Joel and Ellie in every day ways. Ellie is no longer alone and scared. She has someone. Joel finds joy in life again. He pets giraffes and he laughs at stupid jokes and he talks and talks about a life he’s been burying for decades. Who is the only person he’ll accept Sarah’s photo back from? Ellie! ‘I’m taking a ride with my best friend.’ And they ARE best friends. This episode went to great and beautiful lengths to emphasise how broken and afraid Joel is, and how hard it is for him to show up for Ellie, but that he does because he cares for her. It goes to great lengths to show how Ellie is starting to affect a change in Joel; that she’s helping him overcome the grief that has lain stagnant in him for 20 years. It’s starting to show how they’re best friends. It was an exceptional episode. I loved every second of it. But when I think about part 2, I’m so stuck on how mean it all is and how it works against what they (bruce i see you pal) were telling us in part 1.
In fact, it’s not just mean, it’s cruel - both to Joel and Ellie, and to the fans who love them and are attached to their journey and got something out of it. What’s interesting is considering Bill and Frank’s story and the changes that were made to it. I absolutely loved the episode but it’s difficult to completely ignore pinkwashing claims (if you care to look, there have been many complaints about the game and its overall treatment of lgbt+) when Bill is rewarded for doing the same as Joel: he protects his one person too. In doing so he hoards valuable resources that could be used to help thousands of people. In twenty years ordinary people just looking for safety will definitely have made their way to Bill’s Town and been turned away. Bill’s refusal to turn his town into some sort of a functioning community like Jackson definitely killed people. But this is presented as a good thing. He’s protecting Frank. That’s his job. And he’s rewarded with so many happy years and a peaceful death in an apocalypse. There’s a reason that resonates with people more than Bill’s original story which is bleak and sad. He ends up alone. Frank dies hating him. To see instead that actually you can have joy and hope and love in a post apocalyptic world is meaningful to people.
Joel and Ellie are not so lucky. Joel does the same as Bill. He picks Ellie. He does what he has to to protect her. He defends them both from hostile attackers. His refusal to let her be a lab rat prevents a cure (arguably) so people will die but he saves her life and gives her a life worth living, the same as Bill does for Frank. He isn’t rewarded for it. There’s no great love is so good message here. Unlike Bill, Joel is punished so horribly for years in the narrative through Ellie. She’s used as a pawn for the vehicle in which the narrative tells us Joel did something wrong and he deserves punishment. This hurts her too by the way: love has hurt her too. But the narrative has to punish Joel this way to really make sure we know he did something so terribly wrong, so for 2 years Ellie isn’t allowed to give Joel a proper chance to explain. He isn’t allowed to defend himself. And after these long painful years, Joel is then killed. But he’s not just killed. It’s so brutal. It’s long. It’s painful. And Ellie is there to watch, to be held down on floor level so he’s all she can see as he’s killed, and she’s begging him to get up. Bill’s stance and actions are presented as a good thing. He’s the hero who saves Frank and allows him to live a good life. He gets a hero’s story. Joel, on the other hand, is a villain for doing the same thing. He dies a villain’s death.
Ultimately, Bill is right, despite what part 1 appears to be telling you (that’s part of why I hate 2 SO much, it’s so contrary to the themes and messages of 1). Love does get you killed. If Joel didn’t love Ellie he wouldn’t have saved her and he wouldn’t be dead now. Love will make you soft and stupid. You’ll run into rooms of armed strangers without concern after 20 years of being constantly on guard, or at least that was Neil’s explanation as to why Joel would get himself into a situation that was so out of character for him. If you love someone you will be punished for it. They’ll stop speaking to you because you loved them and because of that love knew you had a life of value that was worth living and not because of immunity. They won’t even give you a chance to explain, after all the ways love drove you to keep each other safe and alive. If you love someone you’ll be brutally tortured and murdered and you’ll deserve it. You will be constantly punished and criticised and villainised for that love. Literally, love makes you a villain. You will suffer because of love, you will lose everything. What’s the message here???? What on earth were Neil and Halley trying to say (sos bruce we miss you)???? That healing from your trauma will get you killed? Will get you punished? That Joel should have stayed broken in the QZ? Because if he’d done that, he’d have been better off than his ultimate fate. He wouldn’t have lost a daughter again and he wouldn’t have been beaten to death slowly and died quite likely thinking Ellie’s going to be killed after him so he’s let another daughter die, and he’d probably still have Tess.
Joel, through Ellie and overcoming immense fear and ptsd in order to love her, heals from his trauma, he’s finally able to deal with his grief and move on. He, after twenty years of rejecting it because it caused so much fucking pain, loves again! He truly loves! Then it first hurts him again, and then it kills him. Love is good, love is necessary they told us in part 1. But in part 2 they tell us it WILL get you killed though. And that’s so fucking miserable.
#anyway perfect top tier episode dont get me wrong im so thrilled with it#but how sad is it all in the context of part 2 lmao? ultimately joel was better off as he was being numb#bcus he just gets punished for daring to love again for daring to overcome his grief and trauma#and it fucking sucks#like dont tell me theres no valid reasons to be mad at this game lmao there are SO many#the last of us spoilers#tlou2#tlou1#anyway i just rlly needed to get this out bcus it rlly put into perspective the nitty gritty of why i hate part 2 so much#like im not just moaning for the sake of moaning i have genuine critiques about why this game was so awful to us and to joel and ellie#and why it made no narrative sense against part 1 they just contradict each other WE MISS U BRUCE
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hi it’s 🪲 again!!
RIGHT?! like i went from exclusively dating women (literally god’s gift to earth) to dating HIS CRUSTY ASS and THATS WHAT YOU DO?! i was so mad lmfao but i was also so fucking devastated because that was my best friend. i seriously spiraled to insanity after that because he was just such a big piece of me and i would always ran to him for support whenever my ptsd was triggered or anything like that, he just understood me in a way i never experienced before. so i was more hurt by the loss of my best friend more than anything. but i knew i couldn’t stand for the disrespect so i cut him off.
he did try to apologize, and i kinda gave him a chance as a friend because again, i missed the fuck out of my best friend. but i found out later on that he was telling the girl he cheated on me with every personal thing i’d told him. like i’m talking sexual abuse and parental abuse growing up (i probs won’t get into it because it’s heavy stuff and i don’t wanna trigger anybody) but yeah. like who does that?? i got dehydrated from crying so hard after that.
then summer came and i went back home and i shit you not, not a single minute of it was spent sober. i fucked around with boys and girls alike and i got myself pregnant, got an abortion, continued fucking around after that to ignore my grief of having to lose my child because i was in no way capable of taking care of it. and i was just a hot mess honestly.
i’m with someone new now, and she’s honestly so amazing. she’s so gentle and it’s like she’s developed this sixth sense where she just knows when i’m having a hard time. we’ve been together for a year now.
and now that i’m in a better place, i just look back and am shocked at the amount of red flags i ignored. like one time i was complaining about how my thighs really hurt after we had sex the night before and he deadass said: “that’s because you’re always so tense, i can feel you pushing me but i’m stronger” LIKE SIR???
but yeah men suck. point blank period.
also the guy who hurt you like that what the hell?? how dare this guy play you like that??? it’s on SIGHT ISTG i’m sorry he traumatized you like that, but you’re doing amazing and please please don’t let this asshole keep you from falling in love again, i promise they’re not all like that. ugh i hate men so so much and you deserve the world, star, i really mean it and i just know you’ll get someone that’ll make you happy and that won’t make you sick like that again 🥹❤️🩹💞
!!! I’m so happy to hear you’ve found someone who treats you better!!!! You deserve it so so so much bestie 🥹🫶 I’m just still baffled at somebody pining so hard after you and then doing all that shit to hurt you like HUH 😭 and divulging in all your private information to the other girl?? HELLO????? What a fucking dunce 🤢 it’s crazy when you look back and realize the red flags you ignored! I was letting every single thing slide and in hindsight it’s like yeah whyyyy would this have ended any other way? I hope you’re healing from everything you went through and I hope your new partner treats you the way you deserve (or else it’s on sight😤) I love you and my inbox is always open if you ever want to vent or just talk about how great things are going from here 🫶
I hope my ex dies simply put LMAO I don’t even try to date anymore or entertain anybody I just don’t think the stress of it is for me honestly 😭 I think writing and just existing by myself is fulfilling enough 🫶🩷 sending you all the love!!!!
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Hey what are the top five westerns you would recommend to a person who doesn’t watch very many?
oh god I actually haven't seen that many different ones, I just get very fixated on the ones I have seen. I'll open this up to anyone else with recommendations but with that caveat also these are my top 5 (to be fair I haven't seen that many more than 5):
*I'll try to throw in specific trigger warnings beyond the basic Violence, which you should assume for any of these
-The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. A classic, you may have already seen it, but it's also a sort of a revisionist western (antihero protagonists, dark humor, deconstruction of some of the popular western tropes.) It's also just very good. And very homoerotic in an "insane frenemies with chemistry that cannot be easily defined" fun chaotic way. warnings for war imprisonment and torture.
-For a Few Dollars More. The "prequel" to the above, but not really (the dollars "trilogy" is grouped together and Clint plays similar character types in the reused famous Poncho Costume but none of the stories are connected and it doesn't make sense if the characters are literally the same). CLASSIC rivals-to-friends, delightful to see some emotionally constipated loner types accidentally becoming friends. Has a really fun epic showdown scene that I feel is less well known than the one in the end of The Good, the Bad and the Ugly but just as good. Has some uncomfortable extended flashbacks to a rape scene that shows up multiple times, and torture.
-Death Rides a Horse. Not as polished as some of the others, idk if I'd say it's "A Good Movie(TM)", but it's very very dear to my heart as you have probably noticed from my constantly posting about it. Features my favorite Lee Van Cleef character (I have become obsessed with Lee Van Cleef, Mortimer in For a Few Dollars More is my second favorite.) Bill's actor is a little bit bad but in a fun way I just headcanon he's a bit autistic. This one in addition to the usual violence features rape, rape of a minor, and torture/imprisonment (there's a lot of torture in these. good for whump.)
-The Quick and the Dead. The first one on here that's not a spaghetti western, and that has a female protagonist. From 1995, very much a revisionist western and a complete fever dream. I'm having a hard type describing it but it's very... visceral. Like the trauma feels very immediate and real in a way it doesn't in some older movies. I really like how characters are emotionally fleshed out here and how apparent the PTSD is. Yet again implied rape of a minor and I'm warning again for violence because this isn't like... the regular violence, it's focused on it in a way that really makes it hit home. Very good, very unsettling, completely insane movie. I feel like it fully realizes a lot of the implications of the violence in western movies in a way that I respect a lot and haven't seen in quite that way in other movies.
-The Great Silence. This was recently recommended by fullborn on dreamwidth for yuletide and so I'm passing it on! This one is a tragedy I'm just warning you going in. Very melancholic, set in a frozen, bitter wasteland. I love the characters and yet again the deconstruction of western tropes. Basically all of these are revisionist westerns in some way. Christ and almost all of them have some kind of rape going on. In this one it's only an attempted rape. There's also racism, torture and mutilation and just... a real downer ending, but it fits the overall vibe of the movie. It's generally about an institutional miscarriage of justice. The main character is a hired killer and has the strongest moral backbone of anyone, he's killing state-sanctioned killers (unscrupulous bounty hunters.) Fucking love a silent protagonist. His name is Silence.
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I AM GOING TO EXPLODE WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT EVEN IS THE MOVIE
LIKE IT IS SO FUCKING GOOD IT IS AMAZING LITERALLY STUNNING FASCINATING FACTUALLY AWESOME
BUT IT IS SO INTENSE LITERALLY EVERYTHING IS AIMING TO TEAR YOUR HEART OUT HOLY FUCK
I am going to sit here and process everything that happened and maybe watch it again later what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck. How do they start it with Mikey dying and then have Raph almost die and everything happening and LEO SACRIFICING HIMSELF?? DONNIE STILL PUTTING HIMSELF IN HARMS WAY TO PROTECT HIS BROTHERS EVEN WHEN HIS BATTLE SHELL BREAKS? DONNIE MERGING WITH THE SHIP, LIKE THAT IS AN EXPERIENCE WHAT. I KINDA THOUGHT IT WOULD LAST LONGER? PROBABLY BEST THAT IT DID BUT OOAOAOAOAERLKG
ALSO it's SO much darker than I expected )as you can probably tell aekrgmaelkrgm) but ALL THE BODY HORROR?? THAT IS LITERAL BODY HORROR NOT JUST FUNSY GOOP. THAT AIN'T MELTED PLAYDO THAT IS FLESH AND BLOOD AND GOOPIFIED CREATURES. I am with Donnie here that is LITERALLY my worst nightmare <- ever since I was 4 I've been haunted by nightmares where people melt in some fashion. IDK why but this triggered it in the wildest of ways (not negative?)
I am shaking this movie has fundementally changed me as a person. This movie is an experience that will separate my life from "before" and "after" watcjing this movie. I am going insane how DID THIS MOVIE GET OKAYED?? I AM NOT COMPLAINING IM JUST SO SURPRISED! Kinda wondering if they are having troubles making a third season because of the tonal shift of the TV series and this movie, like things were DARK here and there were even guns, blood, cartoony gore, like aeRLGMalekrmglakermg <- idk how to put into words but YEA
I'LL SEND SOME THEORIES AND STUFF LATER I AM JUST SO FERAL RN.
ALSO SIDE NOTE near the end of the movie when Donnie was left without his battle shell for a while my brain was like "HEY you know what would help our ptsd? a battle shell, because we hate the feeling of having no weight on our back/no level of protection" so I've mentally been planning (while fully immersed in watching the movie? brains work in weird multi level ways)
So ANYWAYS I've come up with a rough idea on how to make a battle shell contraption of shorts that doesn't require tech, just some skills and materials that theoretically are extremely easily accessible, I just need to do some research, measurements and a bit more planning and I think I know how you could make a lightweight makeshift moves-with-your-back-roughly back protector/shell of sorts. I'll update you on that if you want, just gotta check my thoughts on the flexibility vs durability balance
your making a fuckn!! battle shell??? i wish i had a battle shell ;_; thats SO COOL. good luck with that!
i can personally say that the entire time donnie wasnt wearing his shell had me on pins and needles i was sO TERRIFIED HE WAS GONNA GET HURTTT agAUGHAUH
I'm pretty sure the movie came out AFTER the show was cancelled/"paused" so I'm not sure if it had any affect on the cancellation, or if it was just darker cause it had to have more STAKES than the average rottmnt episode. OR if the show was just gonna go into detail about the krang later anyway (which was foreshadowed in the show itself im pretty sure) and it was always gonna be this uhhhHHHH SCARYYYY.
But so far Rottmnt has a tendency to make previous villains more monstrous (my personal theory is so that they can go HARDER with the fight scenes lol) like they did with Shredder who was basically a huge fucking scary BEAST. so I think the Krang being SO FUCKING BODYHORROR ASS SCARY is fitting. Still got spooked when Raphs shell got fuckd up tho!
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Back on my bullshit of coming up with much more mundane theories for motifs in ST sowwy... But Prisoners and it's influence on ST still exists in my head RENT FREE and I have to spill it out somewhere.
I'll admit I don't know much about the time travel theories in the fandom but I was thinking about what else the time/clock symbolism in ST (esp surrounding Will) could mean and some math is mathing but unfortunately it's much more boring and pretentious than time travel skaksksk.
The main two occurances that come to mind being the Creel grandfather clock with the name William on it and Will being coincidentally dressed like Marty McFly in s1 when he gets taken by the demogorgon/Henry/whatever. Will is associated with going back in time to the past repeatedly in the show, which definitely isnt a concidence but it also may not be literal.
The Duffers confirmed that Prisoners was the initial inspiration for ST, as in whatever they took from the movie is most likely of a large thematic scale- although there is also very obvious yet small details included reminiscent of Prisoners.
(@emblazons has insanely detailed posts on this so PLEASE go check it out).
One of the larger themes of the movie being that people are often trapped in a cycle (or a prison, hence the title) of their own trauma and horrible experiences, which can affect their behavior in the future in times of stress. Example: abusive cycles as we see with Neil, Billy, and Max. Victor Creel regressing back into a soldier most likely due to his PTSD when he thinks his family is being antagonized by a demon. Cycles, regression, reverting to your past self and never healing from trauma, those are huge themes of BOTH Prisoners and ST.
Brenner even says it himself to El:
Often what people witness can make them regress.
(not the exact wording probably but that's just the gist).
Not only does Prisoners have characters with pasts that affect how they behave in stressfull times (aka they regress to past behavior when they are triggered- Keller with his father's suicide and Loki with his dodgy past in a boys home (?)) there are also characters who literally regress due to trauma.
Alex and Bob, the two characters who were most suspected of the girls disappearance. Alex is mentally ten because he was that age when Holly kidnapped him and she's been keeping his hostage ever since. Bob was also kidnapped by Holly but escaped after 3 weeks, but the scars on his psyche remain as he obsessively recreates child abductions similar to his own. Both these characters mentally regressed- they never grew past what happened to them. But for them it's much more obvious and they are targeted, unlike other ""normal"" people like Keller and Holly who both present as good Christians (well I supposed ex Christian for Holly) and "normal" members of this community.
Holly's kidnapping of Anna and Joy definitely is what inspired the plotline of S1 of ST. Why did Holly kidnap Anna and Joy? Why was she kidnapping children at all? Well she's fucking insane first of all, but the more appropriate answer is that she never let go of the past. She was constantly recreating what happened to her and her son, intentionally, with other families. It was a never ending cycle with no real purpose other than to do unto others what was done to her in the past. The trauma of losing her son and her faith literally drove her insane and she doesn't move on from that.
To extend that meaning to Will's kidnapping in ST and whoever masterminded it (maybe Henry but idk we'll see in s5) perhaps having the same intentions as Holly has in Prisoners... As in, repeatedly recreating their own past experiences. His Marty McFly outfit when he is kidnapped- a character that is literally transported to the past. Also the Creel clock moving backwards with "William" on it. But not Will's past, someone else's past, and Will was the doll used to do so, traumatizing him like Holly traumatized mutliple families and her victims.
Mind you this reasoning is all metaphorical so it may not be super substantial as time travel but it really lines up for me in how Will is also written post being rescued. It's much more subtle than Alex and Bob's regression but its there. Dr. Owens saying that Will may have PTSD, a disorder defined by people having trouble recovering from a past event. Will's resistance to "growing up" because he felt like his childhood was stolen from him by trauma in the past while the rest of his friends are moving on to "less childish" "grown" things. His Castle Byers moment where he literally destroyed a symbol of his past childhood. Also how this is interwoven with Will's sexuality and how men who were uninterested in women at that time were seen as childish and immature. It's all a metaphor for struggling to get past trauma, played out in Will.
I wouldn't be surprised if the Duffers derived inspo for Will loosely from Alex or Bob. Not only in the regression aspect but also in the aspect that all these characters are deemed "obviously different" and therefore picked on by others in the story.
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TSB Round 7 - Week 20/21!
It was another party weekend, and we've had some fantastic fills as a result! Be sure to check them out!
Collaborator: deehellcat
Card Number: 7014
Square Filled: R4 - new team
Title: Esprit de Corps
Link: AO3
Pairings: pre-ironstrange
Word Count: 1258
Rating: Gen
Major Tags/Triggers: PTSD, Misuse of Magic, Grumpy Stephen Strange, Canon Divergence—post CACW, New Team
Summary: Strange isn’t sold on this whole ‘new Avengers’ thing he’s gotten sucked into, and especially not on the idea of having to work with the most annoying person on this plane of existence, Tony Stark.
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Collaborator: SomeSortofItalianRoast
Card Number: 7012
Square Filled: K1 - Thor
Title: cross the sky for your love
Link: AO3
Pairings: Tony Stark/Thor
Word Count: 2170
Rating: Teen
Major Tags/Triggers: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Soulmates, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, First Kiss, Injury
Summary: Tony had spent years learning how to live as Tony Stark and as Iron Man. He'd never thought he'd be racing across the sky against time itself as he tried to save his Soulmate.
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Collaborator: tinystark616
Card Number: 7008
Square Filled: Adopted - Canon Divergence
Title: The Right Time
Link: AO3
Pairings: Tony/Steve
Word Count: 2753
Rating: Mature
Major Tags/Triggers: Pining, love confessions, angst with a happy ending
Summary: Steve fell in love with Tony on the day they met. The problem is, he's scared that telling Tony how he feels will ruin their friendship. He keeps that secret for eleven years. Or, Five times Steve doesn't tell Tony he loves him, and one time he does.
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Collaborator: deehellcat
Card Number: 7014
Square Filled: R2 - billionaire
Title: In Season At All Times
Link: AO3
Pairings: Tony/Bruce
Word Count: 1543
Rating: Gen
Major Tags/Triggers: Canon Divergence--post-Age of Ultron, Gardening, Science Husbands, the Russos whomst, Tony’s Love Language is Gifts, Bruce Banner Deserves the World
Summary: They were just trying to decompress from yet another insane callout. Tony was randomly flipping the tv remote, muttering “how is it there are ten thousand channels and literally nothing worth a flying fuck to watch—” “Hey.” He thought Bruce was asleep in his arms, but suddenly he sat forward, his eyes on the screen. “Hey, Tony, stop there. What’s this?” “Um, people with big green fruits, of some kind.” Tony discovers his boyfriend’s secret yearning, and true to form, takes it to the limit.
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Collaborator: deehellcat
Card Number: 7014
Square Filled: A3 - free space
Title: Love Is A Fruit
Link: Tumblr
Pairings: Tony/Bruce
Word Count: na
Rating: Gen
Major Tags/Triggers: Canon Divergence--post-Age of Ultron, Gardening, Science Husbands, the Russos whomst, Tony’s Love Language is Gifts, Bruce Banner Deserves the World
Summary: Tony discovers his boyfriend’s secret yearning for a peaceful life in the garden, and true to form, takes it to the limit, by lining up a team of Stark Industries botanists to breed a giant green gooseberry he can patent and name after Bruce.
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Collaborator: scottxlogan
Card Number: 7017
Square Filled: R3 - AU: Non-Powered
Title: Tempted
Link: AO3
Pairings: Tony Stark/Bucky Barnes
Word Count: 7282
Rating: Explicit
Major Tags/Triggers: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Bodyguard Bucky Barnes, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fake Dating, Tony Stark Has PTSD, Single Parent Tony Stark, Panic Attacks, Stalker, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Tony Stark has a stalker, Past Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Past Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Swearing, Adult Content, Explicit Language, Dirty Talk, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Parent Tony Stark, Tony Stark Has Issues, Flirting, War Veteran Bucky Barnes, Mild Blood
Summary: Tony Stark's life takes an unexpected turn when after months of being bombarded, an antonymous stalker takes things a touch too far sending Tony and Morgan's lives into a tailspin. When Pepper reaches out to an old friend for assistance after Tony refuses to heed her advice, sexy bodyguard Bucky Barnes shows up at Tony's doorstep ready to get to the heart of the problem taking place. Armed with a new mission and a cover story posing as Tony's new live-in lover meant to explain Bucky's presence in Tony's life, the two find their way to solving Tony's stalker problem together while flirting with danger and romance along the way.
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Collaborator: Scottxlogan
Card Number: 7017
Square Filled: T1 - Only One Bed
Title: Lazy Weekend
Link: AO3
Pairings: Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark/Steve Rogers
Word Count: 1375
Rating: Mature
Major Tags/Triggers: Domestic Fluff, Tony's POV, Threesome - M/M/M, Polyamory, Implied Sexual Content, Fluff, Morning Cuddles, Sleepy Cuddles, Established Relationship, contemplations, Reflection
Summary: Snuggled in bed with his lovers, Tony contemplates how far they've come together from their sexy beginnings.
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Collaborator: scottxlogan
Card Number: 7017
Square Filled: K3 - Pepperony
Title: The Contingency Plan
Link: AO3
Pairings: Tony Stark/Pepper Potts
Word Count: 3460
Rating: Teen
Major Tags/Triggers: Post-Canon Fix-It, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), post-Endgame, Light Angst, Reunions, Angst with a Happy Ending, past Emma Frost/Tony Stark, Grief/Mourning
Summary: Following the events of Endgame Pepper tries her best to move forward with life to continue Tony's dream, but when a surprise visit from Emma Frost offers Pepper a mysterious alternative to her grief, Pepper learns of a contingency plan that Tony left in place before his passing. Will it prove to be the key to happiness for Pepper and Morgan moving forward?
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Collaborator: illogicalkat
Card Number: 7009
Square Filled: S5 - "Let me do it"
Title: Handle with care
Link: AO3
Pairings: Tony Stark/Bucky Barnes
Word Count: 456
Rating: Teen
Major Tags/Triggers: description of dead animal
Summary: Tony arrives at his boyfriend's house and learns Bucky hasn't had the best day.
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Collaborator: rebelmeg
Card Number: 7001
Square Filled: S5 - Tony x Happiness
Title: Laugh Lines
Link: Tumblr
Pairings: Pepperony, Iron Family
Word Count: 1003
Rating: Gen
Major Tags/Triggers: domestic bliss, married life, slowly growing old together, grossing out your kid on purpose
Summary: Pepper has spent years watching the subtle (and sometimes unsubtle) ways Tony's face has changed. This one is probably her favorite.
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Collaborator: endlesstwanted
Card Number: 7010
Square Filled: T2 - Asking for trouble
Title: Picking Love
Link: AO3
Pairings: Bucky Barnes/Sarah Wilson
Word Count: 2095
Rating: Teen
Major Tags/Triggers: Modern: No Powers, Meet-Cute, Flirting, Minor Steve/Tony
Summary: Tony takes Bucky to the farmers’ market as an excuse to meet with his new fling, but Bucky makes the best out of it with the idea to bake something for his sister’s birthday.
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Text
Dream SMP Assumption #7
Today’s topic: Everybody is suffering and you know it.
Please DO NOT read if you’re uncomfortable with the themes of death, depression and suicide. It’s a very complicated theme. I did NOT study it and do NOT know some aspects of it. I just go off the things I saw in the smp and made my own theories about it. If you’re even slightly triggered by this, please stop and do NOT try to read it. Please do NOT put yourself in some kind of uncomfortable zone.
Please do not. Thank you
(This is all assumptioning from the fictional world of dream smp)
(Heavy spoilers on the resent events)
(Also just assumptions, when you know something, you can always drop it :))
(Mainly around the lmanburg way, sadly need to learn more about badlands ): )
(This Series is created by another person, that’s just too fuckin lazy to move her butt)
Trigger warning today:
Suicide thoughts
(PTSD)
Depression
War
Child Neglect
Betrayal and Trust Issues
Death
Lets get this straight, no one is pure evil just because. Everybody has something happening and BOOM, finished chaos and sadness and strange behavior and aggressiveness and-
You get me? Good. I will take on EVERYBODY who says that a person in the story didn't suffer. I aint a Apologist either. I just want to make some things clear who suffered how. Understand? Good.
Stop saying “[Character] didn't suffer!” Hell yes somehow everybody, close in the lore, fuckin did.
LET’S GET STARTED
__________________________
Tommyinnit
Lets start with one, who should be pretty obvious. Tommy.
In my second Assumption, I explained symptoms of PTSD and Depression.
He was never really trusted by any point
Was just as used as Techno, because who had Tommy controlled was pretty powerful
He was exiled by a country, he HELPED saving MULTIPLE times
He saw his brother get killed by his father
He experienced so many deaths (Tubbo’s, in the final control room, Schlatts,
He lost his pets
He lost his belongings
Has to be on edge constantly
Gets accused by someone and then MOSTLY EVERYBODY believes, it was him
He isn’t really taken seriously
He gets seen as power-hungry person
People literally having him on the Hitlist
He nearly saw his best friend dying, on a mission, that was started by him
His older Brother, who he has an confused relationship with, doesn't even want to be revived.
Lost his brother to insanity and had to sit in the FRONT ROW of this spiral
PTSD
Depression
Suicidal thoughts
Betrayal
next to no one on his actual side
got left by almost everyone
was stuck on a island with an amnesiac ghost, who is a shell of his older brother
gets told his comfort items he had before everything else didn't matter
constantly has to live on the edge because he runs around with one just fuckin heart
Tubbo
Next to Tommy, he also suffers from PTSD, Depression and Suicidal tendencies. And that doesn't mean you kill yourself. It means you are too careless to give a fuck. And that can happen. TUbbo was way too easy to give up his OWN LIVE for something his best friend has passion in it.
He got publicly executed in a place HE DECORATED by someone he considered his Allie
Had the burden of Presidency on his YOUNG shoulders
The People who had to teach him about it, were also there for the tyranny
Got constantly considered a pawn, a throwable item
The adults use him as a figure head and proceed then to use him
He HAD to exile his best friend, or Tommy would have died sooner than ever
PTSD
Suicidal in a way of being okay for dying
Depression
Betrayal
Never gets taken seriously
Gets over-spoken a LOT
GETS COMPARED TO FUCKIN MANIACS OFTEN
Didn’t get nice words after his manipulator told him down, just SILENCE
He nearly died
He heard
Got left by everyone, when they didn't see anything in this place anymore
got told by his best friend, that the discs were more worth than him
As Tommy, he is always on the edge of death
Technoblade
Techno is one of the most powerful people here on the server. No doubt about it. However, if someone, even a God, tries to refuse they have feelings, it’s impossible. And those feelings, when they get something terrible done to them, get hurt.
BETRAYAL
Loneliness
A bloodlust he sometimes seriously can't control, no matter how much he tries
His best friend (Wilbur), died before his eyes
He thought he could trust his (little brother figure) friend
Gets used often for material
betrayal
Has a hard time understanding his feelings
Gets talked over
Is socially avoiding talking
Gets seen as a bad guy many times
Trust issues, yay!
Also BETRAYAL
has at least some people who want to kill him
Wilbur Soot
Our favorite maniac! Yay! We can all see how he fell from a proud Leader of a family to an lost in himself man, with nothing left to loose
Had to countdown his brothers death
Was killed by his father
His OWN SON disowned him
He wasn't able to get help, especially not from his younger brother
His Allies were not really trust worthy
He got betrayed by a close comerade
His dear Brother was sometimes really chaotic
He had to lead an army to war, not one, but two times
He lost the election
He had to run away from a country he helped create
Had a hard time with this father (with how it’s shown, that he maybe was neglected and had to raise Tommy)
Ranboo
Our favorite Memory-Minutes-Boi! I think EVERYBODY in this community will protect him
His first days on the server were pure Chaos
Had to see a person, he considers a friend, being rotten away and not being able to do anything about it
A sister figure who just went angry
He isn’t trusted by anyone really
He knows things others don’t
ALSO LOSING YOUR MEMORY AND HAVING CONSTANT MEMORY LOSS FUCKIN SUCKS, TRUST ME
Has serious issues
GETS TALKED OVER
Is often forced to take a side, even if he's against it
Phil
He has a hard time. Especially with the death, failed resurrection, disowning one of his son, he didn't got even close to. Being
Also on the edge of death every day
Was in the end peer pressured into killing his own son
Suffering from the loss of his son
Couldn't help his youngest son in exile, because he thought Tommy hated him
Wasn’t there for L’Manburg glory days
was ridiculed in his house arrest
Dream
Of course, we all know how mad he is now and shit, but you gotta think, he has some points here, that are infecting his behavior LARGELY
His friends left him, without considering helping him
He had lost his dear pet before
He actually wanted peace, but fell into the fun of destruction and chaos without someone knowing or helping him
He is homeless
Probably, he is a old being, that already suffered for millions of years
Sapnap
He’s actually one of my favorite Characters and I think we know he has a place in here.
Third wheels a l o t
Constantly being referred as the THIRD person, who isn't important
Fought his friend, who took the side of a child
Said friend had one of his beloved fishes by his side the hole time
Said Fish got thought as dead
Fundy
Some of you guys forgot how sad actually Fundy’s character is. He IS one of the most hurt characters. And he gave up hope
constantly being talked over
disowned by his hole family
GREW UP IN OLD L’MANBURG, WHICH WAS AT WAR
doesn’t think he is a part of a group
had to disown his father, to help fight a tyrannt
Got babied his whole life
His dead father is still running away from their problems
Doesn’t know where his mum is
Lost his home so often
Nihachu
Actually the person I watched for the first long time as in the SMP
Again, being talked over
Doesn’t get taken seriously
Lost her Best friend (Wilbur)
Got betrayed by her friend, Karl, by him selling their Land to L’Manburg
Gets used as a hostage or Maid in Distress, even when she isn’t
Got her pets killed
Then constantly being used for her niceness
Jack Manifold
He has a pretty big Role now, and he's very VERY angry. And you might ask why
Got left behind by his country
doesn’t get taken seriously
Got his most powerful items removed in one thing
His land somehow is near a crater
got told he didn't suffer somehow
Went to mf hell
Quackity
Quackity, despite his funny demeanor, he's one of the hurt character
with him staying with Schlatt, he had a uncomfortable relationship a long time
got killed by the festival
somehow helped organize the death of a child
Said kid helped a revolution against him
he helped a tyrant come to power and will probably never get it live down
fought for a country so often, but, two times, it got exploded in front of his face
had to face war, also in a young age
Eret
Our favorite King is here too! Yes, he may have started the distrust spiral of Eret, but somehow, someone would still have led them to the FINAL CONTROL ROOM. Somehow History will always be happening.
Had one of the hardest time, getting forgiven
Was never really given a chance
got accused of something
gets used as a pawn
He has shown often regret
got left alone
I think we all can say they are just having MULTIPLE communicate, trust and self worth issues. Like goddamn, Puffy, please help them, you’re one of the only sane people in the lore-
#Dream SMP#Quackity#Wilbur Soot#Tommyinnit#technoblade#tubbo#Philza#Nihachu#Fundy#Eret#Jack Manifold#Sapnap#Dreamwastaken#Ranboo#mcyt#dream smp assumption#Dream SMP Lore
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