#here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change

[lizzychanstuffss]

May I... may I touch you?

Astartion x durge!reader

thank you @ferenofnopewood (also for being my beta reader!) for the inspo for this. We both went feral talking about this.

Synopsis: a simple rewrite of the Act 2 romance scene with durge and Astarion. Basically, this is just extra soft and I imagine it would be cute if he remembered you hugging him in the confession scene. Also this is totally my headcanon for my own durge but don't mind that

Of course as always spoilers for act 2!

Your head spun with bile and wrath, unable to sleep it off as you normally would try to do. But no matter what you did nothing seemed to calm the thundering headache forming at the edges of your mind. So without much other choice, you stood up. Your companions were blissfully sleeping while you wrestled with unseen demons. Once you got up you could see Astarion from across the still burning fire; his beauty was always apparent even when he was at rest. 

But your silent admiration was rudely interrupted by a foul-sounding goblin butler.

"He is so afraid. So, so afraid of everyone besides you who he ought to fear the most." His words were clearly said with the intention of shaking your resolve. "You could do so much better." The goblins' tone disgusted you, how he could say such things and yet you know they rang true in Astarion’s own mind, he was so worried you could do better than some runaway vampire spawn. But these thoughts were clouding your judgment even more than the urge was and with that you shook your head as the thoughts faded to the background.

"Get away from him." The bile and raw, murderous intent that had been clawing at your insides broke out in a growl. But seemingly unimpeded by your defense he playfully hopped over Astarion, the thought of using your urge to protect him might not be all that bad of an idea. 

Was he taunting you? It was a thought that crossed your mind and passed as he spoke again.

"I won't lay so much as a talon on him! I wouldn't rob you of that delight. Your clever mind is penning up a tragedy as we speak. Your repressed urge yearns to kill." He appraises a moment before continuing "And kill you will. Tonight, the moment you close your eyes, your favorite person will be brutalized." The words were a shock to your system. You couldn't let that happen not to him, not ever. The thought alone made you want to vomit that your own body would even consider it.

"I-I love him, No, I can't be" You couldn’t imagine losing no not him. He’s been the only person who didn’t judge, didn’t blame you, no matter how bad it got. You couldn’t bear to—

"We all kill what we love most, in time" 

You choked back a sob.

"You like him for more than his looks, but he will never believe that. Why not make him a pretty corpse?" Your hands started to twitch as you let yourself briefly indulge in the fantasy of wrapping them around the wretched creature’s neck. If he really meant to taunt you into committing a murder he was certainly getting close to achieving that goal.

"He must live....I haven't yet told him how I truly feel about him." The felt less like a defense against the butlers goading and more like a reminder to yourself. What you were truly trying to achieve here. You have promised to protect Astarion. From Cazador, from yourself, it didn’t matter. And it was a promise you would never break…at least you hoped.

"Why not whisper it while you twist a knife? Or have a love confession be the final words between you? It is my duty to ensure you are making the right decisions, Master." He lets out a sigh mimicking a father in its nature. "There was much..disappointment at your reluctance to kill the little Moonmaiden. You could kill this one deliberately. I'm sure it will be considered a great show of good will. The tithe could still be yours." There it was again, the offer, the temptation…what you assumed was to be considered one. You still had no idea what this so-called tithe even could be; but you were certain you wanted nothing to do with it if it required such a foul murder.

"I will save him, whatever it takes."

"I do not doubt you will act with the decorum befitting one of your rank. Good night." And with that the butler was finally gone leaving you with a choice you had already made prior. Taking the initiative and kneeling besides Astarion you attempted to wake him. But as you went to reach for his shoulder your hand paused of it’s own violation, it itched to wrap itself around his throat and ruin him. You would not allow it, a battle against your own mind was something you had gotten accustomed to on this journey thus far and so once you were able to regain composure you went to wake him but he made quicker work of it then you could, questioning whether or not he was actually in a trance at all tonight.

"Well, hello. Looking for a cuddle?" he said, flirtatious as ever even in such a trying time for yourself. Although you were sure the look on your face gave way to his next set of words. "Although you don't look entirely...yourself. What's going on in that head of yours?"

That question was one you had to think about how to answer, and quickly. "Listen, now isn't the time...I need to protect you." You tried your best to convey the urgency of your situation as the headache overtook you again.

"All right, talk quickly, then." He seemed concerned, but there was something unsure about his expression as well. 

"I'm going to kill the person I most care about: you." 

You took a breath, it was ragged and barely enough to push the headache down for the moment, as you used the brief moment of clarity to gauge what Astarion’s reaction. 

"Unless you can stop me." A faint glimmer of hope mingled with your voice as you practically pleaded with him. Astarion was a capable enough fighter, surely stopping you would be an easy enough feat.

"How flattering, And disturbing" he smiled "You could have talked to me before things got murderously bad, you know. We are technically in this together." He was using sass to cover nerves that you couldn’t help but notice. It was so like him even in the face of danger "It certainly puts the death of dear, sweet Alfira into some perspective." Those were the last words you heard before your vision blurred and your head grew into a dizzy blur and you fainted.

But when you awoke you were not in control, it was like watching from a window all you could do was try and tap on the glass. You tried your best to resist hurting him…although you realized quite quickly you were bound by your hands and feet. It gave you some relief to know that you could do little to rebel in this state. 

"This thing won't have you. It won't win." You hoped those words were true. You tried your best to resist again expressing understanding. Instead your body reacts with a will of its own, it tried to bite at him. Which would have almost been funny any other time but now…now all you wanted to do was scream out in frustration.

"Ah ah ah! We ask before we bite.” He took this better than you expected, with a sigh he spoke again "You're cute, you know. In another life we might have been friends." Those words felt flippant in the moment, but you could tell there was an underlying sadness to them. If you’d been of your right mind you would have tried to comfort him. But comforting anyone was beyond you at the moment. All you could do was fight against your binding and your urge as it drove you to struggle against the bindings the kept you from hurting anyone, including yourself.

"Easy now, darling, You've got this. And I've got you." Those words gave you a strange comfort and a boost of determination. Feeling another wave of the urge you tried your best to resist and this time managed to express a sliver of thankfulness for his words.

"You'd do the same to me. Now just relax - dawn isn't far off." He wasn't wrong about that, as much as it was hard to admit he knew you better than you'd like to admit at times. The night passed on and without any bloodshed, a mercy from the gods. You once again returned to your mind, scared and exhausted.

Then, almost on cue, Astarion came to free you from your bindings. He sat in front of you, and a look of embarrassment crept onto your face as he spoke.

"I felt bad for the bard, seeing you like that. Poor Alfira never stood a chance, did she?" It wasn't really a question even if he posed it as one because the answer was clear as day. "Now that you're back with us," he paused, "We need to have a talk."

You had dreaded this moment but he was right. You needed to talk about this whether you wanted to or not. You sighed before trying to speak, but the words ended up getting caught in your throat. Suddenly you realized there were tears falling down your cheeks. You were unable to hold it back any longer. Any sort of strong front you had put on up unto this point faded in an instant and you were sat in front of him sobbing.

Concern formed on the man's face and he adjusted himself to get a little closer before asking "May I....may I touch you?" His words were gentle and meant to be calming - although almost anything said in his voice was calming. You gave him a nod. You weren't sure what he was going to do exactly but when he gently wrapped his around your shaking body in a similar fashion to how you had hugged him a few nights prior. Those tears started to flow even more. Nestling your head in the crook of his neck, tears wetted his rather flowy camp shirt.

"Sh, sh, you can let it all out." Those words caused the tears to flow even harder. Had you really been holding in all of this for so long? You didn't know. All you did know was that you really needed this: A gentle comfort from someone you loved so deeply as him. After a moment, he tentatively stroked your hair. Although you couldn’t help but wonder if his hesitation was because he wasn’t sure how to actually comfort someone or if he just didn’t want to overstep any boundaries. It didn’t really matter all that much, you didn’t care, you appreciated that he even tried in the first place.

The two of you stayed like that for a while, him just stroking your hair and holding you while you let out all the tears you needed to get out. By the time you could finally talk again your eyes were red and puffy, but he would never say a thing about it. As you removed yourself from his body, but only enough so you could get a look at his face he instinctively raised a hand up to caress your cheek before stopping but your answered his silent question by leaning into it. He wiped away some of your tears before gently running his thumb over your cheek. It was a soft gesture and much needed, his touch was welcome in that moment.

"So then, are you ready to talk now, or do you need to stain my shirt more first?" he joked. A small chuckle made its way across your lips, and a smile found its way to his lips as well.

"I suppose I am...I know I owe you an explanation" you sighed.

"You don't owe me anything” he corrected  “But I would like an explanation." 

You gave him a nod. He was right, of course. But considering you did almost kill him, explaining seemed like the least you could do.

You told him everything about “the dark urge” as you had taken to calling it. Well, everything you could remember. He sat there and listened patiently. But his face gave way to no emotion, no emotion, no fear just…..understanding.

Once you finished explaining, he replied, "You are not alone in this - none of us are. We can even compare notes if you like." His comforting words made you feel like a monster, it was refreshing. 

You looked his face over, before you leaned into his hand again, closing your eyes as sadness began to overtake you. "You know you're allowed to hate me for this...I know I would" Your self-loathing rearing its ugly head, you couldn't help it; as much as his comfort was nice to hear the fact of the matter was you felt like a monster. Just some attack dog meant only to destroy everything and anything in your path.

"I don't hate you..because this," he made sure you kept eye contact during these words, his gaze was intense fully focused on you in this moment "This is not you" The words rang through you, and you wanted more than anything for that to be true…but it was hard to believe when killing just felt so natural to indulge in and it was just so easy to let the urge do the work. But in this moment you had to take him at his word; because if you didn't you were sure you were going to start sobbing again.

He pressed his forehead to yours before speaking again "Whatever this is though, you will get through it. And I will be here to make sure you do." A promise you hoped would be true.

#astarion #baulders gate 3 #astarion romance #astarion ancunin #astarion fanfic #dark urge #astarion x tav #bg3 astarion #astarion x reader #astarion x durge #astarion x mc #astarion x dark urge #astarionfics #my writing

[whateversawesome]

SxF Chapter 91: Perspective, History, Empathy

Let me start by saying that I didn't think this chapter would make me so emotional. Was it the same for you?

A small side character like Millie, who we saw only as one of Yor's annoying co-workers, turned out to have a very sad backstory and gave us a glimpse of how things are for young people in Ostania.

This chapter talks a lot about people understanding and misunderstanding each other. Millie was just talking about her own experience and feelings, she was explaining why it was so difficult for her to help during an event like this, and that lady felt personally attacked because she saw things from her own point of view and her sufferings.

In no way the story discards any of those ladies' sufferings; what they went through during the war was very difficult, I'm sure. Nevertheless, comparing their sufferings and demanding Millie to act the same way just because they were able to do it, it's not right.

They both had different experiences because their circumstances were different, so they face life in their own way. That's exactly Yor's point.

Here, Yor demonstrates her best quality (and one of the many reasons why her husband fell in love with her): Emotional strength.

I've said it before and I'll say it again; Yor is a very emotionally intelligent character. The way she stood up for Millie displayed all her emotional strength. She called out that woman in such a smart way!! She wasn't rude but her words were true and very wise.

One of the most important things Yor mentions is that we cannot bear the same load because we're different. And I couldn't agree more👏

Also, if we take it as a metaphor, Yor is such a strong person because she carried a very heavy load: as a child and an orphan, she had to take care of her brother. Because of this, a naturally kind person like her had to learn to murder in order to survive.

It was a beautiful chapter. On top of everything, we learned a few important things:

1.Yor did lose her parents during the war and because of the war.

2.Donovan Desmond did NOT start the war. But plenty of young people like Millie don't know that, so it's possible that since he was Prime Minister during most of the war, he gets blamed for starting it.

3.Donovan Desmond is hated by many. That's probably the reason why he's no longer in office. And it also wouldn't be surprising that the majority of people in Ostania who voted against him want to move on from the war.

3.Melinda still wears her wedding ring and, even though she's separated from her husband, she still counts him as an important person for her. I guess, you can hate a person's actions and opinions, hate what they have become, but care about them at the same time...their marriage is complicated.

4.Not only Yor and Twilight fear the SSS because of their jobs. The general population do too because they know rich and powerful people can make them disappear regardless whether they are spies or not. That means arrests and disappearences of innocent people are common.

5.There was a repression during war time. This means the state controls and restricts certain rights of its citizens. When war happens, the state may determine it's necessary to protect their country and citizens. Chances are that policing of others started then and Ostanians got used to living like that.

And now some questions:

Was Melinda being sincere? In my opinion yes (for the most part). Melinda is no longer campaigning for her husband. In fact, she's going there incognito. Since her husband is no longer the Prime Minister and they don't have any elections to win, she doesn't have to support this types of events. If you think about it, once a politician retires from the public eye, their spouse generally goes back to their normal life.

Something that caught my attention was that it was mentioned Melinda has a lot of enemies; probably because her husband has a lot of enemies too. If that's the case, it would be easier for Melinda to move abroad, where she could have a care-free life, yet, she has chosen to stay in Ostania. Why?

Melinda is still a very mysterious character. We don't know her plans or intentions. We don't know why she separated from her husband. My only guess is that she's suffered a great deal and that's why she's able to empathize with Millie, even though their experiences are different.

What do you think?

Bonus (to end on a light note):

This is the Sxf when we see Yor 😄

#spy x family #twiyor #Spy x family manga #Sxf #Spy x family #yor forger #loid forger #anya forger #loidyor #loid x yor #agent twilight #Spy x family meta #spy x family analysis

[lightlycareless]

I always wonder what naoya would act like if he had a new born baby? Would he be very soft towards his child? Akxjjzsbizzjj my heart needs y/n and naoya fluff😭😭😭😭

HI ANON YES THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK AAAAHGHAHAHAGH you've come to the right place!! Literally, the more asks I get of Naoya and Y/N with their newborn baby the more ideas I get I want to write (doing one already, xmas themed, idc if I'm late lol)

Anyways, here is the good stuff you asked for 😏 warnings: none. just fluff.

I hope it's to your liking! Happy reading ❤️

Naoya is obsessed with the baby as soon as you tell him you’re pregnant, and soon, his days are filled with nothing but the pregnancy: from wanting to know if you’re alright, if you’ve had any nausea, if there were any specific cravings that needed to be satisfied, or his all-time favorite—if the baby was kicking.

You’d have to remind him that it’s too early for that, but when it’s finally time, his hands never leave your stomach, whether asleep or fully awake; he always must always be touching you, he needs to—as if he wasn’t already highly overprotective of you!

So, one can only imagine how this escalates when the baby finally arrives. (I’m still going with the idea that their first child is a girl)

When Naomi is born, all that Naoya desires is to stay by her side, her being the first thing he sees in the morning and the last in the night.

Naoya wants to be there as soon as the baby wakes up, hear her adorable coos and gurgles which he somehow always understands, as well as selecting her clothes for the day (they have to match. Non-negotiable) feed her (although that’s more like accompanying you while doing so.) and on and so forth.

And although there is nothing he loves more than being with his baby, his favorite thing in the world is seeing you bond with her.

Naoya just… melts when he sees you gush at their daughter, talk to her in that baby voice that always makes Naomi giggle, the occasional pinch of her chubby cheeks (which he likes to say she got from you—you, of course, deny it.) or how you seem to take her wherever you go, unable to peel away from her, not even a second! As if doing so would cause your immediate death!

I don't think I'll be able to convey just how overprotective the two are with Naomi.

Like, you and Naoya would be the type of parents to overdress her as soon as temperature drops the slightest for the simple fear that she’d get sick or something—obviously this didn’t last long because the doctor (alongside family members) would immediately remind them that being this way is only detrimental in the long term.

Rest assured, you and Naoya would find a way to compensate for that, specifically through toys, and outings when she's a bit older. Weekly trips to Tokyo Disneyland become the norm by that point (hell, if Naoya truly wanted to, he'd take Naomi to each worldwide Disney Park on a weekly basis, if only she didn't get crampy by flights—and if that wasn’t too much, of course.) which again, had to be stopped thanks to your dad advising both to take it easy, or she'll grow spoiled… the wrong way, that is.

I think out of the two, Naoya is the one that would struggle the hardest to not buy every single thing that reminds him of Naomi. But can we blame him? The nature of his work often keeps him away from you and the baby, which makes him very, very sad and resentful that it does.

He literally tried to get some time off so he’d be able to stay with you and the baby… but he wasn’t able to get much; so, he looks for all possible ways to make up for his absence, as well as reassure her that his career is not more important than her, or that he isn’t trying hard enough to be there.

Because of this, you make your best effort for Naomi's first word to be papa; it might not be much, but it’s your way to reassure him that he’s a good father and that she loves him very, very much. (The one deciding to name their children after him is your idea, because you want Naoya to feel included, loved. Like he deserves a family after all that he went through 🥺)

Going back to Naomi’s first word, this feat is easier said than done, but you do your best either way, and when it finally happens…. Oh my god is Naoya over the moon.

He literally died when Naomi cheerfully yelled “papa!” upon seeing him return one day from a mission, with that toothy grin he loves so much and those chubby little hands reaching out for him that immediately melt away all his stresses and anxieties away.

And we haven't even spoken of nicknames yet!!! He already had the habit of calling you all kinds of pet names, and that, alongside his tendency to pinch your cheeks, is something that Naomi will also inherit from him.

He'd call her all kinds of cute things, however, his favorite ones are the ones he associates with you, but adding a small differentiation, for example:

“Princess” and “little princess”

“Little mochi” and “littlest mochi”—this one you tell Naoya not to use just because of how silly it sounds, not that it works but hey, you tried.

“Pumpkin” and “little pumpkin”—this one was mostly used by your dad, which Naoya later adopted upon finding out about it—and if you already felt embarrassed by it, this sentiment just grew when Naoya began to endlessly tease you with it.

But now that it’s being used on Naomi, you finally began to appreciate it and subsequently, find it adorable!

So, yes. Naoya loves his baby very, very much, for Naomi represents a combination of all the things that make him happy: you, his love for you, and now, a family.

He'd go above and beyond to make them happy and keep them safe; when it comes to this, the sky is the limit.

wow ngl. I want to write more. ajgajgjsaajgkja specifically the "Naoya placing his hands over your stomach to feel the baby kicking" or how he'd react to tiring nights where baby Naomi just can't sleep 🥺 if anyone wants to indulge me by sending in an ask of what you'd like me to write, you know where to find me 😏

thank you for this lovely ask!! Take care and hope to see you soon ❤️❤️

#ask #naoya zenin #naoya zen'in #naoya x reader #naoya zenin x reader #naoya zenin x you #jjk naoya #naoya zen'in x reader #jjk x reader #jjk fluff #jjk x you #prompt series: jujutsu kaisen

[marie-mcd]

There's a specific concept from Good Omens that I really like (amongst many others), that I was chuffed to also find in a Sandman and a Discworld story!

I love that in Good Omens (both book and TV), Heaven and Hell are presented as mostly redundant and ineffectual when it comes to human morality - and that Hell in particular find some of the things humans do to be pretty shocking, and/or instructive.

Opportunities for humour aside, this idea flies in the face of the common belief that the world's worst ills are the result of outside forces influencing people to do evil (ie the devil. Or ... lizard people etc? I digress). And it's unlike other stories out there that are like, "World War II was actually caused by xyz characters!" or similar. Good Omens doesn't rewrite history like that, or let us - humanity - off the hook when it comes to the big stuff, when it could so easily have done so in a universe where Heaven and Hell are literally real.

The story, of course, also credits human cleverness to humans, and celebrates the things we should be proud of, like art, music, delicious food, craftmanship, invention, etc. And it credits humans for having a propensity for compassion and goodness.

"[Crowley] did his best to make their short lives miserable, because that was his job, but nothing he could think up was half as bad as the stuff they thought up themselves. […] And just when you'd think they were more malignant than ever Hell could be, they could occasionally show more grace than Heaven ever dreamed of. Often the same individual was involved."

I love this concept because I see it as an uncoupling of religion and morality. They can both exist together, but the former isn't necessary for the latter. (This isn't the only possible interpretation; the more literal reading might be more about free will, but this is where I extrapolated it to).

From Sandman: Season of Mists Episode 2 (plot context stripped out to avoid spoilers, but skip ahead to black text if you want absolutely nothing spoiled if you want to read it).

Lucifer: "And the mortals! I ask you - why? […] Why do they blame me for all their little failings? They use my name as if I spend my entire day sitting on their shoulders, forcing them to commit acts they would otherwise find repulsive. 'The devil made me do it.' I have never made one of them do anything. Never. They live their own tiny lives. I do not live their lives for them."

And from Eric, a Discworld book (this one's related to Hell learning from humans, more than morality/free will... I won't spoil the funny by elaborating!):

"Earl Beezlemoth rubbed one of his three noses.

'And humans somewhere thought this up all by themselves?' he said. 'We didn't give them any, you know, hints?' […]

The earl stared into infinity. 'I thought we were supposed to be the ghastly ones,' he said, his voice filled with awe."

Another commonality between these two stories that isn't directly shared by Good Omens (yet...? still have another season coming …) but that I like enough to point out, is the idea that Hell is a place where people end up if they believe they deserve to go there. I like this because a lot of people are influenced to feel guilty about "sins" that are innocuous parts of normal human behaviour, so it's pretty brutal to fear going to Hell over them. There's comfort in this idea, to me. (granted, the following Sandman quote states this less explicitly but I take the same meaning from it … but lmk if I've done a reading incomprehension; I also haven't read all the books yet).

From Sandman:

Lucifer: "And then [the mortals] die, and they come here (having transgressed against what they believed to be right), and expect us to fulfill their desire for pain and retribution. I don't make them come here."

From Eric (partial footnote near the beginning):

"Interestingly enough, the gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that's where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go."

Eric also really leans into the idea of Hell being a bureaucratic, corporate, boring nightmare, also familiar to Good Omens fans, and the demons are so over it. The tone (you could probably guess) is very different from Sandman, and it's one of the earlier, less-serious Discworld books; it's a very fun, absurd ride of a read!

There are a few other Discworld books I'll talk about in a future post, that may also be of interest to certain Good Omens fans (I'm gearing these posts toward the fans who came to Good Omens from the TV show and haven't had the pleasure of discovering Neil's and Terry's other work yet); the ones I have in mind examine religious extremism, and the uncoupling of religion and morality too. A couple of them also have queer themes, if that is also your jam! (Less shipping opportunities but I assume some fans, like me, like the rest of the material in GO in addition to the love story).

I'll end this with a quote from a footnote from Eric that has nothing to do with anything in this post, but which took me by surprise and had me laughing days later whenever it came to mind. It's referring to books in a section of the library:

"Just erotic. Nothing kinky. It's the difference between using a feather and using a chicken."

And another bonus one that I found while looking for the first:

"Rincewind had been told that death was just like going into another room. The difference is, when you shout, 'Where's my clean socks?', no one answers."

I hope this made sense and is maybe interesting to someone ... I had fun talking about this at least!

#good omens #good omens meta #good omens 2 #sandman #discworld #neil gaiman #terry pratchett #gnu terry pratchett #crowley #eric #eric faust #rincewind #p

[aihoshiino]

chapter 143 thoughts!

remember when tokyo blade was the longest most drawn out arc of oshi no ko. remember when that was our metric. i want to go back to those blissfully innocent days.

This chapter falls in line with a lot of other chunks of the Movie Arc where as a standalone tidbit of the story there are things about it that I like but taken in the greater context of everything around it, I have decidedly more mixed feelings on it. This is very much "chapter 123… 2!" with all that statement implies. If you liked 123, this will probably be like crack cocaine for you but if you were hoping for a more concrete resolution to what's going on with Aqua and Ruby then you're probably in the same boat as me in terms of coming away feeling frustrated.

Lacking resolution aside, I did really like a lot of what we got in this chapter, both in terms of the twins' relationship and as individual characterisation for them both. Immediately what stood out to me was Aqua's avoidant response to… well, basically everything Ruby says up to a point. It's funny to remember that he was the one who called Ai out on avoiding important conversations and yet here he is doing the very same thing. Like mother like son, huh?

Ruby's first line is also interesting. It definitely makes sense for her to fear a separation from Gorou given that it's basically happened twice now, but her specific fear that if she doesn't affirm his existence it will simply vanish implies a certain lack of security in his presence that I think is very interesting. We haven't really gotten enough time in Ruby's head for me to really dig into what that means for her, but I'm putting a pin in it nonetheless.

Aqua's response here also lines up with my prediction last chapter that we were heading for a rejection. Even if indirectly, he spends most of this chapter trying to turn Ruby away and shut her down without actually addressing her proposition, which I really don't blame him for lmao. Free my boy. Even when he does finally give Ruby an inch, so to speak, and start playacting as Gorou, it doesn't feel at all like a sincere moment of self expression. He's indulging her with a facsimile of their old dynamic, sure, but the actual words he's saying aren't particularly encouraging.

Of course, that's not how Ruby sees things. Or rather… That's not how Sarina sees things. She spends more or less this entire chapter with no stars in her eyes whatsoever. This makes a very interesting contrast with Aqua who, even in the moments that he identifies most strongly with his past self, never loses his stars. In this chapter, "Gorou Amamiya" is never anything more than an act for him but Ruby seems to have entirely returned to being Sarina, at least in this space.

Aqua snarks about her mental age not changing and I think this is truer then you might assume - I do think Ruby goes through a bit of a regression in this chapter and I mean this in an entirely value neutral sense. If you've ever returned to a place or people that defined a certain period of your life, it's very easy to find yourself slipping back into the mindset and behaviours that characterized you at that time. The quickest and easiest example of this is probably a person who lives on their own going back to their childhood home to spend the holidays with their siblings and parents. For better or worse, a return to old dynamics means a return to that old headspace - and that's just for regular people without any reincarnation baggage in the mix.

Ruby's experiences as Sarina have always been extremely foundational to her as a person and at least as of the private audition, she is characterized as seeing herself equally as both girls. So in a situation like this where she's finally getting to see and talk to Gorou again, it makes sense for "Sarina" to have taken the lead here.

As I've talked about before, this difference in how they individually view their reincarnation and how it affects their sense of self is always something that's had the potential to cause friction between the twins and we see it here, I think. The two of them aren't quite on the same page.

That said, this is a sweet conversation. It touches on the unique position the twins are in to give each other closure in a way nobody else really can. That said, it does feel really weird that this talk just… never happened before? I guess you could argue that this is a make or break point for their relationship and it took them being really pushed to have this honest of a talk but even then, I can't think of any real reason it didn't come sooner other than "the author didn't want it to happen yet".

i do have to ask though. where did aqua get those glasses. has he been wearing contacts this entire series and we never knew??

The question of to what degree the twins should be considered the people they were before their reincarnation has been a pretty consistent subject of debate in the fandom, particularly as pertains to Aqua. Wherever you stand on the issue though, I think Aqua is right when he says the Gorou Sarina wants him to be is a person who no longer exists. Too much time has passed and way too much has happened. Even removing reincarnation from the equation, there's not a person on this earth who's the exact same as they were 20 years ago. Living changes you just as much as dying does. Even if some intrinsic, unchanging core still exists, his experiences as Aqua Hoshino have changed him way too much for the "Gorou Amamiya" Ruby wants to see to be anything more than a performance.

more absolutely goated expression work from Mengo, btw: that wonky, rueful smile when Aqua first takes off Gorou's glasses. Sooooo good.

It's also just so so good to finally get some insight into what's going on with Aqua after he's been out of focus for so long. It's also really fantastic to finally see him let his walls down a bit and admit to some of the turmoil rolling around in his head. I think this is part of why we see him slip back into a single white hoshigan here; while the stuff he's saying here is concerning, it's honest. Possibly the most honest Aqua has been for a good long while and him finally letting himself be vulnerable with someone he trusts could be a really good positive step for him.

I say could be because… well, I don't think Ruby quite has a handle on how to help Aqua here. She's not even thinking of helping Aqua after all; she addresses him (in the Japanese text) as 'sensei' over and over to an almost excessive degree. Not only that but her responses to him are a little…

The core of this talk between Aqua and Ruby is the idea that Gorou-as-Aqua has changed in a way that leaves him unable to perform the role he once played in her life, while Ruby argues that nothing has changed. And like… to a degree, both of them are right and wrong. Gorou's core values are something Aqua inherited from him and they continue to drive him. But it simply isn't true that nothing has changed. Like I said up above: twenty entire years of living changes a person even before you factor in the trauma of Ai's death and everything Aqua has done to himself and other people in the name of avenging her. But this is something Ruby is unwilling or unable to see.

More great paneling work from Mengo: When Sarina hesitantly asks if 'Sensei' likes her, there is a very pointed beat panel of Aqua's face with his eyes hidden before he pops the Gorou act back on and goes 'uhhh yeah sure'. Once again, we see 'Gorou Amamiya' as avoidance and insincerity at least in the context of this chapter. It's an act Aqua is half-heartedly putting on but to Ruby-as-Sarina, this is the miracle of their reunion happening again before her eyes. And if they're 'Gorou' and 'Sarina' right now, what happens next shouldn't be a surprise.

And… this is the part of the chapter where I stop having nice things to say. Because believe it or not, I don't mind the kiss and I think in the context of this chapter, it makes a lot of sense and it helps to have had the story finally, explicitly lay down that this is 'Sarina' pursuing 'Gorou', at least from Ruby's POV. I also really liked the framing; that clashing of tones returns again, with the double spread shoujo looking kiss ruined by Aqua's pin-eyed look of alarm and dismay. This is the moment of tension breaking transgression the series has been building up to for over 140 chapters…

And we immediately cut away from addressing it. For at least one more week. I'm going to be really honest… this fucking infuriated me! It feels like an implicit admission that this is going to be needlessly dragged out even longer even though we finally had the perfect opportunity to properly address and solidify what is even going on with Aqua and Ruby right now. It feels like cynical reaction bait. It feels like a roided up version of 123 - throwing AquRuby shippers scraps so they'll keep reading while also avoiding undeniably canonizing an incest ship to not scare off the wider audience. My man has created the Schroedinger's Cat of incest. Is the guy in the box nailing his sister or not? Well gosh, you'd better tune in next week and maybe you'll find out!!!!

In short, the lack of resolution just sucks and the fact that it really seems like we're just leaving things there and moving on to something else makes me want to scream. The Movie Arc has been such an unfocused mess for so many chapters now and this really just takes the cake. Like… remember when this was supposed to be about Ai? Remember when this was supposed to be about finally digging into her past and her private life? If half the stuff in the script is just made up then why am I even supposed to get invested in what's going on in the movie in the first place?

At this point, I just desperately want this arc to be done so we can move on. Say what you will about Tokyo Blade's pacing, but at least that was focused and cohered with itself on a week to week basis. The Movie Arc by contrast feels so far removed from any of the ideas we started with that I have no clue what to expect or anticipate from it going forwards or if I should even bother to try.

#oshi no ko #oshi no posting #chapter reviews #onk spoilers

[lendeah]

After the Weave 5.

series masterlist

Summary: As they search for clues among the nobility's estates, the group struggles under the weight of their investigation into the murder of the Duke. In the dark and winding halls of the Crimson Palace, Astarion and Elara become caught up in a tangled web of feelings and yearnings, heightened by an impending private meeting that holds the potential to alter everything.

Pairing: Astarion x OFC!Tav, past Gale x OFC!Tav

Tags: Angst, Drinking to Cope, References to Depression, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, Emotional Baggage, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Post-Break Up, Tav finds herself again with Astarion, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD.

Word count: 5.1k

Also on AO3

note: *Insert evil laughter*

We all stand in the dimly lit hallway, both Astarion and I sobering up after a long night. Exhaustion weighs heavily on my body, as I haven't slept in nearly two days. Even Astarion looks drained, his usual charm overshadowed by pronounced dark circles under his eyes.

"We had nothing to do with the Duke's death," I say, "We were just in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Shadowheart's expression remains stoic, "We know that," she says calmly. "But to everyone else, you are the only vampire present and therefore an easy target for blame. They will come after both of you if we don't act soon."

I let out a defeated sigh, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted beyond measure. "I agree, but can we please discuss this tomorrow? I fear I may collapse from exhaustion at any moment."

"Tsk'va, you've grown considerably feeble since the last time we stood together in battle," Lae'zel says with a disapproving scowl.

Thankfully, Shadowheart nods in understanding. "Of course, we can continue this discussion tomorrow when you are both well-rested."

The gith groans at this, clearly disappointed. The three of us turn to Astarion, his nervous demeanor palpable as he clears his throat. His eyes dart between Lae'zel and me before finally settling on Shadowheart, who stands regally across from him. "Ahem... did you intend on spending the night here?" he asks tentatively.

Lae'zel arches a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. "What does it look like?"

He quickly plasters on a charming smile. "Of course, sorry, my dear Lae'zel. You and Shadowheart are always welcome in my humble abode." He paused for a moment before adding, "The thing is... all of my bedchambers are currently occupied."

My own eyebrows furrow in disbelief. "In a palace?!"

Astarion coughs awkwardly. "Well, yes, you see... Cazador didn't have many visitors, so the place didn't need that many bedchambers and possesses, in fact, only three. The three main rooms are all taken and the rest are being used by our servants, so..."

Shadowheart exchanged a doubtful look with Lae'zel before turning her steely gaze towards me. "I suppose I could make do with the floor for one night," she stated stoically, though I could sense an underlying weariness in her voice.

Lae'zel folds her arms across her chest, clearly not pleased with the idea. "I will not sleep on the floor like some dog," she declares firmly.

Astarion's red eyes flicker between the three of us, his mind working rapidly to come up with a solution. I can practically see the gears turning in his head as he weighs his options. Finally, he speaks up, "Well, the beds are big enough. We could always share."

I can feel my cheeks heating up at Astarion's suggestion, the memories of our encounter in the basement flooding back to me. I glance over at him and see a playful glint in his eyes. I then consider the idea of sharing a room with Shadowheart and shudder inwardly, things are still definitely too tense to share that kind of space. Shadowheart seems equally uncomfortable with the idea, shifting on her feet and avoiding eye contact.

And Lae'zel...well, as much as I love her she has always been uncomfortable to be around, even without sharing a bed.

"Well, you two could take my room and I can sleep somewhere else," I offer.

Shadowheart and Lae'zel both look at me with surprise, as if they weren't expecting me to offer my own bedchamber.

"Oh, how noble of you, my dear," Astarion says with a sly grin. "I had no idea you were so selfless."

I roll my eyes, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing me flustered. "It's not like I have anything valuable in there anyway."

Lae'zel snorts in disbelief. "And where will you sleep then?"

Astarion speaks up before I can answer. "With me, obviously."

I can feel my cheeks heating up at the thought and quickly jump in. "Not in a million years. I'll just take a blanket and sleep on the floor somewhere else."

Astarion's grin widens, and of course he is enjoying my discomfort. "Oh come now, it won't be that bad. We've shared a bedroll before."

I quickly respond, "You were only resting momentarily while you fed, not sleeping."

"Details," Astarion shrugs nonchalantly.

Shadowheart clears her throat, drawing our attention back to her, "There's no need to go to such lengths. We'll find another solution."

Astarion chuckles. "Oh come on, let's not make this any more uncomfortable than it already is. I'm sure we can all handle sharing a bed for one night."

The exhaustion grips me with unrelenting force, and I simply cannot summon the energy to refute him any further. The other two women seem to think the same thing, as they remain silent.

With Astarion in the lead, we navigate through the grand hallways of the castle until we reach my bedroom. I can sense Lae'zel and Shadowheart's tension as they say their goodbyes before disappearing into my room, leaving me alone with Astarion. As he steps into the doorway of his adjoining room, a sly grin crosses his face, making me feel uneasy.

"Shall we?" He gestures towards his door.

I hesitate for a moment before following him inside. As we enter, my breath catches at the sheer beauty of it all. The room is dimly lit by candles, giving it an intimate and cozy atmosphere. Every wall is alive with vibrant tapestries, each depicting scenes of nature and mythology in intricate detail. The paintings are so lifelike, it feels as if I could reach out and touch the creatures within them. Bookshelves line one side of the room, every shelf overflowing with an array of tomes. It reminds me of my own room but on a much grander scale. The bed itself is a massive piece of furniture, fit for royalty. Its four posts stand tall and regal, draped in luxurious fabrics that cascade to the floor. As we make our way towards it, I can't help but notice how soft and inviting it looks to my tired body.

Astarion nonchalantly removes his shirt and pants, and I turn away in a fluster, feeling my cheeks grow warm. I realize with dread that I have left my sleepwear in the other room, leaving me with the option of either sleeping in my undergarments or the extremely uncomfortable gown. After hesitating for a moment, I attempt to strip down to my lingerie. However, the intricate design of my dress makes it impossible for me to undo the tightly-laced corset on my own. After struggling for some time, I let out a defeated sigh. It seems like fate is working against me tonight.

"Can you help me?" I ask, looking back at Astarion, who is now perched on the bedframe looking at me with amusement.

He quirks an eyebrow "I would rather watch you struggling for a little while longer, but thanks for asking."

I groan and turn away from him and focus all my energy on trying to loosen the ties.

Astarion chuckles and I can't help but admire his naked form as he stands up from the bed frame. His body is toned and strong, his skin radiating a soft glow in the dimness of the room. My heart races at the sight, and I'm sure he can hear it too. He walks over to stand behind me, close enough that I can feel his breath on my neck. "Let me help you with that," he murmurs, close to my ear.

As he works, I can feel his cold fingers brushing against my skin, raising goosebumps in their wake. When Astarion finishes loosening the ties on my corset, a sense of relief washes over me. I quickly turn around and take a step back, trying to put some distance between us.

"Thank you," I say, avoiding eye contact.

Astarion smiles knowingly and takes a step closer.

"My pleasure," he says, his voice low and husky.

I quickly strip off the rest of my dress and slip under the covers. His gaze lingers on me for a moment before he turns away to blow out the candles, leaving us in a dimly lit room.

"You take the bed," Astarion offers, throwing himself onto a nearby chair.

His offer shocks me. I dread the thought of sharing a bed with him, but I also feel guilty about kicking him out of his own bed.

"What are you talking about?"

"It's not like I will sleep much anyway, it doesn't matter to me," he says with a nonchalant shrug.

"No, I can't let you do that. There's plenty of room for both of us in here. You're not sleeping on a chair in your own room."

Astarion stays silent for a moment before his lips curve into a mischievous smirk as he stands up from the chair.

"Oh, darling, if you insist..." he says, crawling into the bed next to me.

As he eases into the spot beside mine, I can sense his presence even with the ample space between us. I lay in the bed, my heart still racing from Astarion's closeness. I try to focus on calming my mind and finding some comfort in sleep. Astarion stays quiet beside me, his fake breathing even and calm.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to clear my mind of any thoughts about him. But again, all I see is Astarion's eyes as he looked at me in the basement, full of desire, his hand wandering on my thigh and his lips teasing against mine... I sigh defeatedly and turn to face him, my eyes finally meeting his. The intensity of his gaze takes my breath away, and for a moment, I forget everything else.

"What are you doing?" I whisper, trying not to let my voice betray the fluttering feeling in my stomach.

"I can't sleep," he says simply. "Your heart is beating too loudly."

I swallow nervously and try to calm myself down. "I...I can't help it," I murmur.

Astarion shifts closer to me. "It's quite distracting," he says with a chuckle. "Is it because of what happened before?"

I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks once again at the memory of our encounter in the basement.

"I was drunk," I say, hoping to brush off the subject.

Astarion is silent for a few beats and then asks. "Do you regret it?"

I'm caught off guard by the question. "I..." I trail off, unsure of how to answer. Part of me regrets giving into my desires and touching him that way, but another part of me can't help but feel constantly drawn to him.

His voice dropped to a seductive whisper. "I have no regrets, my dear." he admits, "But let's be clear, this is not a marriage proposal. I believe in granting you the freedom to indulge in your desires without any obligations or attachments, if that is what you wish."

Astarion's words linger in the air between us and I can feel my heart racing at the implications. Does he really mean what I think he means? Is this just a game to him or does he truly want me?

"Are you suggesting a... casual arrangement?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper as I try to steady my racing heart.

Astarion hesitates for a moment before answering, "Why not?" His voice is so soft it's nearly drowned out by the rustling of the sheets. "We both have needs. It's no crime to fulfill them."

His words strangely make sense. Yet, something within me recoils at the idea.

How can I feel this way about Astarion? He's been my friend and companion for quite long. The thought of us being anything more than that never crossed my mind, especially with Gale in the picture. Plus, I've always believed in true love, and the idea of giving myself to someone without an emotional connection scares me. But lately, there have been moments of intense chemistry and longing between us, making everything so complicated and conflicting.

"I... I need time to think about it," I say, my voice trembling slightly.

Astarion nods, his expression unreadable in the darkness. "By all means, my dear. Take all the time you need."

I let out a shaky breath and nod. I need to figure out my feelings and make a decision without any pressure.

The weight of silence is now heavy between us as we lay in the dark, our breaths creating the only audible sound in the room. The air felt charged with unsaid words and unspoken desires. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, before breaking the peace.

"For me, it helps when someone touches my hair," he says suddenly.

"Excuse me?"

"When I'm restless at night, I find it quite pleasurable when someone plays with my hair. Perhaps you could, you know... give it a try?"

His words catch me off guard, causing my mind to scramble for a response. But exhaustion weighs heavily on my body and I am desperate for any kind of comfort.

After a brief pause, I find myself nodding. Immediately, he wraps his arms around me, and a sense of calm washes over me. I hug his torso, relishing the touch of his bare skin against mine. I thought this would be uncomfortable after what just happened, but it feels natural, almost familiar. Astarion's fingers begin to comb through my hair, sending tingles down my spine as I melt into his touch, allowing the weariness to gradually fade away. I bury my nose in his neck, and he smells so warm despite his cold skin. He continues this for a few minutes until I am on the brink of sleep.

His voice breaks through my drowsiness, whispering into my hair. "Asleep already?"

I keep my eyes closed and keep quiet, hoping he will stop talking. However, after a few seconds, he continues. "Do you know how I found out about this?"

My heart quickens, but I remain still, giving no indication of being awake. "It was during those nights at camp when you let me feed from you," he continues in a hushed voice. "Your delicate fingers would always comb through my hair, making it nearly impossible for me to stay awake."

My cheeks flush with embarrassment and I resist the urge to snuggle into his chest to hide my blush. He keeps threading his fingers through my strands. "But tonight, rest assured, my love. It is your turn to relax and allow me to take care of you," he murmurs tenderly.

Despite my attempts to stifle my emotions, I can't help but smile at his words, feeling a flutter in my chest. His touch is surprisingly soothing and soon enough, I find myself drifting off to sleep.

------------✧♡✧-------------

The sound of birds chirping outside the window startles me awake, and for a split second, I can't remember where I am. But then I see the empty space next to me and remember last night. Was it all just a dream? A twinge of disappointment hits me in the gut.

I sit up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, squinting against the dawn light piercing through the curtains. The smell of Astarion still lingers on the pillow next to mine, a teasing reminder that last night was indeed real.

I glance down at my underwear and realize I have nothing decent to wear for the morning. In a rush, I jump out of bed and make my way over to the wardrobe in the corner of the room. It's much bigger than mine and filled with expensive, high-quality clothing. My eyes scan through the options, hoping to find something that will fit me. Eventually, I settle on a simple white shirt and a pair of elegant pants that are slightly too tight around my thighs. It's not ideal, but it will do until I can retrieve my own clothes. I quickly braid my fiery curls and slip out of the room towards my own quarters.

I rap my knuckles against the thick wooden door, and a low murmur of voices drifts out from within. "Enter," Shadowheart's voice calls out. I press my hand to the cool metal handle and push open the door, feeling a rush of anticipation. As I step inside, my eyes widen in surprise at the unexpected company. Shadowheart stands by the window, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. Next to her is Lae'zel, her imposing figure taking up most of the small room. Across from them sit Astarion and Dalyria, both with serious expressions on their faces as they engage in a heated debate. The group is hanging around a desk, studying a map spread out in front of them.

Shadowheart turns to look at me, her expression unreadable. "Good morning," she greets me curtly.

"Morning," I reply, unsure of what to do next.

As I awkwardly hover in the doorway, Astarion's gaze flickers to me, and then my clothes. His smirk widens, and he leans back in his chair. "Well, you look positively ravishing in my clothes," he says with a playful tone. I can feel the heat rising to my cheeks as the others turn to stare at us curiously.

"It's not like I had much choice." I retort.

His gaze gleams, following the contours of my figure and settling on my thighs, and a hint of hunger swirls inside.

I shift uncomfortably, pulling at the too-tight fabric of the pants. He grins wider, clearly enjoying my discomfort.

"Well, it's a good thing I have impeccable taste then," he says with a wink.

I roll my eyes, trying to ignore the flutters in my stomach at his teasing.

"Enough banter," Lae'zel interrupts. "We have more important matters to discuss."

I nod, grateful for the change in subject, and walk over to the desk to glance at the maps, trying to make sense of the markings and symbols scattered across them.

Dalyria notices my confusion and points to a spot. "We are currently here," she gestures, "and we suspect the spawn have been hiding in this location for the past few months. The circles surrounding it indicate where the murders have taken place."

I nod my head slowly. "But the location of the Duke's murder was far from there."

"Not only that, but how did they get to murder a well-protected and connected member of the nobility in a ball full of people?" Shadowheart chimes in.

"That's what we're trying to figure out," says Dalyria, her brows knitted into a frown. "The Duke was well-guarded and his estate is heavily fortified. If no one caught them in the act, it means the murderer knew his way around. Which also means, everything was previously planned."

Astarion leans in closer to examine the map and speaks up, "So, the mastermind is someone close to the Duke while this spawn is the actual murderer."

A hush falls over the group as we all consider this possibility. A traitor within the Duke's inner circle could explain how the murder was carried out without anyone noticing.

"But who could it be?" I ask, turning to look at each of my companions.

Shadowheart sighs, "If someone really let them in to do it, it must be someone who wanted the Duke dead, but for what?"

"The council of four..." Astarion mumbles.

"What?" I ask.

"The council of four," Astarion repeats, his voice gaining a hint of urgency. "Duke Ravengaard was one of them."

"And with Wyll gone, the substitute would be someone else from the nobility," Shadowheart adds.

We all exchange worried glances, each of us silently contemplating the possibility.

"There are plenty of players in this game," Dalyria says grimly. "But we can't afford to make assumptions without evidence."

"We need to find out who would have motives to gain that power," Lae'zel declares, her hand resting on her sword hilt.

My voice is firm as I speak, my eyes meeting each of my companions with determination. "I agree," I say, nodding. "We must gather more information before taking any action. It would be wise for us to split up and interrogate the nobles separately." I turn to Astarion and Dalyria, including them in my plan. "Lae'zel, Shadowheart, and I will handle that task, while you two continue searching for the spawn. Perhaps if we find one of them, they will reveal the identity of our culprit."

Astarion raises an eyebrow at me, leaning back in his chair with a smirk. "I'm curious to see how you three would fare in a room full of nobles with your charming personalities."

Dalyria chuckles and shakes her head, glancing between Astarion and me. "Don't let him fool you," she says, nudging him lightly with her elbow. "He's just pissed because he didn't come up with the plan himself."

------------✧♡✧-------------

As we make our way through the bustling streets towards one of the noble's estates, I can't help but feel uneasy.

"We can't draw attention to ourselves as murder investigators." I remind them of our precarious situation. "We'll need to mingle and be subtle about it."

"Or else we will meet the same fate as the Duke," Lae'zel interjects, her tone ominous. She's not wrong. If this murderer is indeed among the nobility, then prying too openly could lead us directly into their crosshairs.

We start at the top of the list Dalyria had provided us. Belt, Bormul, Caldwell, Durinbold, Eltan... But to no avail. Even though most of them I talked to at the past party, they don't seem to have any relevant information for us.

As we leave each estate and move on to the next, my frustration grows. It seems like we're getting nowhere. It's already night-time by the time we make it out of the Hhune family estate, and Lae'zel leaves to get some water from a vendor, leaving Shadowheart and me alone.

I look at the cleric, feeling uneasy. The last time we were together alone I told her a lot of regrettable things.

She catches my gaze and raises an eyebrow, studying me with a curious expression. "Is there something on your mind?" she asks, breaking the silence between us.

I bite my lip, hesitating before speaking.

"I...I'm sorry for what happened between us," I say, my voice heavy with guilt.

"I was angry and frustrated but that's no excuse for how I treated you."

Shadowheart looks at me, surprise and then understanding crossing her features. "It's in the past," she says softly. "No need to apologize," she says, shaking her head. "You were under a lot of pressure and it wasn't easy for any of us."

I nod, relieved that she doesn't seem angry or hurt by my words. But I can't shake off the feeling that there's still something between us that needs to be addressed.

"Shadowheart...I want you to know that I am grateful for you," I tell her earnestly. "I know we don't always see eye to eye, but I do consider you my friend. And I am so sorry about Karlach. I should've been there for you as your friend."

Shadowheart looks at me with a mix of surprise and gratitude. "Thank you, I appreciate that," she says, her voice barely above a whisper. "And I am sorry about Gale as well."

I nod, understanding the weight of her words. We both have our own burdens to bear, but it doesn't mean we can't find comfort in each other. We exchange smiles before she wraps her arms around me in a warm embrace. Standing there with Shadowheart, I feel a wave of relief and comfort wash over me. It's been a while since I've allowed myself to be vulnerable with someone, and having her back in my life feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

When we finally break apart, she clears her throat, clearly eager to shift the subject. "So, you and Astarion..." Shadowheart starts, her tone cautious.

I know what she's getting at, and I sigh. "It's complicated," I say, not wanting to delve too much into my relationship with the vampire.

"Complicated how?" she presses on.

I hesitate for a moment before deciding to be honest with her. "We have...something," I admit, feeling a rush of embarrassment flood through me. "He offered me a casual arrangement."

Shadowheart's eyes widen in surprise at my confession. "A casual arrangement? With Astarion?" she repeats, her tone incredulous.

I nod, feeling heat rise to my cheeks. "Yes," I confirm, avoiding her gaze.

"And you accepted?" she asks, her voice betraying a hint of disapproval.

"It's complicated," I repeat, not wanting to reveal too much of the details.

Shadowheart frowns, clearly not satisfied with my answer.

"I just... Look, do whatever you need to get better, okay? But be careful with Astarion. As much as I love him..." Shadowheart sighs, her expression troubled.

I sense her worry and hesitation, and I can't help but feel a twinge of guilt. I know Astarion has a reputation for being a seducer and manipulative, but he has been nothing but kind to me when I needed him most.

"I appreciate your concern," I say sincerely, wanting to ease her worries. "But like I said, it's not a big deal. I don't have any deep emotional attachment to Astarion; it's just physical attraction."

Shadowheart's brow furrows in confusion and a hint of worry. "But if it's just physical, why even bother with him of all people?" she asks, clearly not understanding my reasoning.

I shrug, feeling embarrassed and unsure how to explain myself. "I don't know... Maybe it's because I'm still grieving over Gale and Astarion has been a distraction. Or maybe it's just nice to feel desired again," I admit with a sigh.

Shadowheart nods, not completely convinced but willing to trust my judgment. We fall into a comfortable silence until Lae'zel returns with the water.

"Enough time wasted. Now - forward," she says, handing each of us a waterskin.

I take a long sip, parched from the conversation and the night's investigation. I glance at Shadowheart and find her looking at me with a small, understanding smile. It's a strange sort of comfort and the tension that was there before seems to dissipate.

We move on to the next names on our list: Ilzimmer, Neverember, Heltharn... Each estate is more lavish than the last, with ornate gardens and gilded gates that scream privilege and wealth. But despite their ostentation, they are as unyielding as stone, offering no new leads or information.

The walk back to the Crimson Palace feels longer and heavier than before. The weight of the investigation hangs heavily on our shoulders, and I can't help but feel discouraged by our lack of progress.

Weariness washes over me as we step into the palace. The day's unending rush of adrenaline and anxiety has finally caught up to me. I can see the same exhaustion etched on Shadowheart and Lae'zel's features too. However, we press on towards the dinner hall, where we know Dalyria and Astarion are eagerly waiting for our arrival.

The place is just as magnificent as I remember it, with its high ceilings and grand chandeliers. They both look up as we enter and greet us with warm smiles.

"How was your day?" Dalyria asks eagerly.

I exchange a glance with Shadowheart before responding. "We didn't find much," I admit with a sigh. "But we'll keep interviewing tomorrow."

Dalyria nods sympathetically before speaking again, seemingly oblivious to our exhaustion.

"We didn't uncover any clues about the Spawn, but we did receive news about the council," she announces eagerly.

Astarion lets out an exasperated sigh. "They've requested a private meeting with Elara and me tomorrow evening."

My heart drops at his words, a sudden chill running down my spine. A private meeting with the council? That can't be good.

"Said it was urgent and quite secretive," Astarion continues, a smirk playing on his lips as he leans back in his chair with an air of nonchalance.

Dalyria takes a sip from her own drink before leaning back in her chair. "I'm sure it's just formalities," she assures us, although she doesn't quite meet my eyes.

I can't help the pang of unease that washes over me. There's no doubt in my mind that Dalyria's not telling us the whole truth.

"Let's not trouble ourselves about it tonight," Shadowheart suggests calmly as she fills her plate.

As the evening wears on, we eat and drink in lighthearted conversation, diverting all topics from the investigation or the meeting. However, as we retire for the night, I find myself unable to shake off the gnawing unease that settles in my stomach.

I step behind the rest of the group, lost in thought, when suddenly I feel someone grab my arm and pull me into a narrow corridor. My heart jumps in my chest as I turn to see who it is, only to find Astarion's smirking face.

"What are you doing?" I ask with a raised eyebrow.

His body cages mine against the wall, his arms on either side of my head as he leans in close. I can feel his warm breath on my face and my heart starts to race.

"Just wanted to have a private conversation," he purrs, his lips so close to mine that I can almost taste them.

I try to push him away, but he's surprisingly strong for someone so lean and agile. "Can't it wait until tomorrow?" I ask, trying to keep my voice steady.

He lets out a chuckle and leans in closer, his lips brushing against my ear. "I'm afraid not," he whispers before pulling back slightly."I know I said I'd give you time to think, but I've been... rather impatient. After all, time has always been a fickle friend of mine." he admits, his eyes focused on my lips. "Have you made up your mind?"

I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. My mind is a whirlwind of confusion and uncertainty, torn between my physical desire for him and the complexities that come with it.

At my silence, Astarion's charming smile fades slightly. "I... apologies, I shouldn't have pushed you ," he murmurs, leaning slightly away.

In that moment, all doubts and questions disappear from my mind. The pull between us is too strong to ignore any longer. I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself before responding.

"I want it," I finally manage to say, my voice barely above a whisper.

Astarion's smirking expression returns as he leans in closer, his lips only inches from mine. "Are you sure?" he asks, his voice low and husky.

I nod, my heart pounding in my chest. Astarion leans in closer until our faces are mere inches apart. Our breaths mingle as he looks deep into my eyes before closing the distance between us and pressing his lips against mine.

Tag List - @astarioffsimpmain, @amazingnerd, @ayselluna

#astarion ancunin #bg3 fanfiction #bg3 astarion #astarion x reader #bg3 #bg3 fanfic prompt #bg3 tav #astarion x tav #astarion fanfic #baldurs gate fanfiction #baldurs gate 3 #astarion baldurs gate #astarion #baldur's gate 3 #fanfic

[chloe-spade]

A Rose Sword Act One: Stories of a Blue Sword

⚔️ Silver: Age 1⚔️

The first year is always the hardest, Lilia thought as he tried to cook for Silver early in the morning. It didn't help that Wisp left him instructions but they were muddled with water when he began to cook so he had to fill in most of the missing instructions with what he could read. It was not an easy task for an olden warrior such as himself, but he managed to cook something worthy of a young baby like Silver.

"That was harder than fighting," Lilia mumbled to himself, "but Silver is getting his nutrients, so who am I to complain?"

But oh the years of taking care of Malleus did not help him in memory as Silver began to deny the food was given, actively avoiding it, like he didn't trust the food that was given to him. Lilia just found it annoying, that after he spent so long trying to cook the messed-up recipe, Silver wasn't eating it.

"You are very stubborn," Lilia pointed out, "did you that from your mother perhaps? I hope not, as I do not know how to appease a human child."

Elva, who was cleaning, noticed. "You have followed her recipe?"

"I would have if it wasn't so soaked when I came down."

"It was?" Elva questioned and checked the recipe, "Oh. That's unfortunate. I hope you found something that was close or…read it."

Lilia shrugged and tried again, but he found food on his face as he looked back. Silver began to smile at his action, hands covered in the food Lilia cooked.

"..Should've seen this coming," Lilia groaned, "..alas, I cannot get made at you, Silver. I just wished I wasn't your target of food waste."

"Now I am worried about what you put in that baby porridge," Elva admitted, giving Lilia a face towel, "He isn't like that on occasion. And yet I worry about him. If he rejects that food you made, I wonder what makes it so….," she glances at Lilia's bowl in horror, "why is it charred? Porridge is not supposed to be burnt."

"It said something about warming up the porridge, but once again, the paper is soaked beyond reading, Elva."

"That does not explain why it's like smoked meat," Elva sighs and takes the bow from Lilia, "I am lucky enough to remember this recipe within my memories, or else we would've been in horrible trouble when Wisp gets home or worse if Holly sees this."

"That's true, I wouldn't be here if Holly found this out." Lilia gulped.

"I still cannot fathom you, messing up porridge, one of the simplest meals for both humans and fae." Elva muttered, back in the kitchen.

"Don't blame me, blame Wisp and her stupid soaked paper. Why did she not check?"

"Wisp is just as old as you, and her eye sight is not always the best," Elva spoke, "cut her some slack. Pretending to be human is not as easy as we thought."

"It's only been a year," Lilia picks up Silver, "Right, Silver? We've been taking care of you since you were born, huh?"

Silver laughs and clings to Lilia. It was clear that Silver grew closer to Lilia than everyone else, mainly because Lilia was the first Silver first saw within waking up and his gift of bonds helped. Also, Lilia knew most parental tricks that no one could figure out yet, but being with Prince Malleus has given him the experience he needed.

Afterward, Elva fed Silver perfectly warm porridge, which Silver ate without much of a problem, and Lilia found it completely betraying.

"We're back," Wisp announced, holding a basket of new foods.

"Oh, welcome back, you two," Elva greeted, "how was the village?"

"The usual," Holly answered, "People come and go. Compliment or insult you, in and out."

"Does not sound thrilling," Lilia scoffed.

"And look, you made the porridge recipe I created," Wisp grins, "How is it?"

"Uh, Wisp? About your recipe," Elva gulped.

"About it?"

"Somehow it got soaked and we couldn't read it," Lilia explained, "which led me to fail it and Elva to create a new recipe as she feared I was going to poison Silver."

"You were!" Elva gasped, "The porridge was chared and tasted awful. Good thing that Silver has got some good instincts, or else who knows what would've happened to him?"

"I don't intent to poison him," Lilia pouted.

"Well, calm down now," Holly laughs, "We bought some extra food for you and Silver. And a book of new recipes for all of us to prepare for each other. Now, let me put these away and we'll discuss lunch and dinner,"

Holly smiles and takes the food into the kitchen, now in the kitchen. They hum as they start to put the food away and notice the previously mentioned recipe.

"Wisp, I thought we agreed you would get glasses?"

"Human glasses are expensive for a fae like me, and besides, I do not need them, do I?"

"Dear, your recipe was covered in water when we left and Lilia couldn't read it. You did leave it for him, after all."

"Ok, I am not that bad at cooking," Lilia huffed.

"We know, but if this does continue, you might be banned from the kitchen," Elva pointed out, "After what happened today? I do not simply trust you with the food or the kitchen."

"But Silver is safe and unharmed by my unfortunate attempt," Lilia argued, "and he's perfectly healthy now."

Lilia took Silver from his baby chair and held him, "I know you're not mad at me, Silver," Lilia laughed. "I am your favorite after all."

Silver smiles and nuzzles against Lilia.

"Hey, we do not play favorites here," Wisp pouted, "but it's unfair how Silver likes you the most out of the four of us."

"What can I say?" Lilia grins, "I just have the fatherly charm about me that no child could resist. And look, Silver's back asleep."

"Already? We just fed him to."

"Sleep children need their strength after all," Lilia joked, "such a delicate soul."

⚔️Silver: Age 5⚔️

"Malleus, I do not worry about Silver's reaction about you," Lilia spoke, "He's very understanding towards you."

"You have told me, Lilia, but I shouldn't be anywhere near them," Malleus gulped, "If he remembers me as who I am, then I have every reason to be fear."

Malleus was invited to meet Silver per Lilia's request, mostly in secret, due to the queen's insistence that Lilia would be killed on sight for his treachery and betrayal. It made Lilia more sure of his decision to stay behind and take careful precautions.

"Trust me, Mallues," Lilia grins, "Only I reside here for the day as the other went to town. And we can simply chat while Silver is taking his little nap."

Malleus nodded as they walked inside to chat.

After Lilia's unfortunate betrayal, according to Malleus, that The Mistress has made a law if the traitorous general ever set foot in her kingdom again, he will be captured and killed for his treachery. However, after those 5 years, The Mistress has become very bitter and isolated in her castle as her search for the young children is fruitless.

She had started to punish those who spoke back to her, without much of a thought behind them. It wasn't new by any chance, but it seemed that anything would set her off, even small mentions of Lilia would send her into a massive fit. Lightning would surround the kingdom and cause those to hide in fear.

"I'm just happy that you are safe from her wrath, Malleus," Lilia sighs, "I am surprised that you have passed by Baal. He did replace me as a general, did he not?"

"He has but after hearing that he has a grandchild now, he is quite preoccupied with him as he turned four years old today. I am lucky enough to go past his guards that he trained harder than you, Lilia."

"Harder than me?" Lilia laughed, "Doubtful," he sipped his tea, "I trained Baal for the first 100 years of my life as a general. So, how bad can his training be?"

"Oh, harsh," Malleus spoke, "much more harsher than I remembered from you."

"No one is harsher than I," Lilia boasted, "I trained those men, including Baal himself. But as I know the Zigvolt Bloodline, they can be incredibly stubborn and strong-willed, so frankly, Baal overtraining the guards is not surprising."

Malleus laughed at that. He found it refreshing to talk to Lilia once again after merely 5 years, with little to no contact from either side. Malleus only met up with the young child as a baby, though short, he managed to bond with the small human he was willing to call his younger brother.

"Indeed."

Faint footsteps walked downstairs and there was Silver, who was awake and now staring at both of the fae.

"Good evening, Silver," Lilia greeted, "how was your nap?"

"Good." Silver meekly answered.

Silver goes over to Malleus, trying to figure out what to say, but the horns are the only things he's distracted by.

"Are you interested in my horns, little one?" Malleus asked, putting his teacup away.

"Are you a friend of father's?" Silver pondered, "I have seen you before…but I can't remember."

"Lilia, you have not mentioned that you have taken the parental status, including the naming," Malleus looked back in amusement, "I thought you weren't going to."

"It was an accident," Mumbled Lilia.

"I am Malleus, and what's your name?"

"Silver," he mumbled, "can I touch your horns, Malleus?"

Malleus smiles and nods.

Silver got onto Mallues's lap and started to admire the horns on his head, carefully using his hands to touch his horns. They were too big for his small hands, which made Malleus chuckle.

"They are enormous, hmm?" Malleus smiled, "much big for such small children's hands such as yours."

"I like them," Silver spoke, "they're very beautiful. And they're like lizards, but..softer almost. And they…..I just like them!"

"Why, thank you, Silver," Malleus blushed, "you must love new things about faes."

"Father told me stuff about faes, and he told me about you often." Silver explained, "And I like it when he tells me stories before bed."

"Ah, guilty," Lilia grins, "Silver…had accidentally found out about us as faes so we couldn't lie to him anymore after that, with his age, he would just talk back if we tried."

"Talk back, Silver?"

"I don't like liars," Silver whispered, "…but! Can we play together? Like show me your magic or play hide and seek?" Silver jumped happily.

"I do not see why not," Malleus laughs, "as long if it's alright with Lilia?"

"Of course," Lilia beamed, "just be careful. The woods can be a bit much around this time of year and no going into the Enchanted forest at all."

"I'm old enough," Silver protested.

"You will go over once you are 10 and once you know how to defend yourself," Lilia spoke up, "and besides, most magical and mystical beings aren't used to humans in their woods yet, and they can be very mean and trick you."

"Trick me? Father.."

"I know you are not a baby anymore," Lilia finished, "but you are still my son and I prefer you safe and sound than in danger, alright?"

"Trust me, Lilia, as long as I keep an eye on him, he will not depart into the woods alone." Malleus spoke, taking Silver's hand, "and we will have fun together."

"Alright, don't let this old man stop you," Lilia joked.

Lilia watched as Malleus and Silver departed to the backyard. He went over to the window and began to watch.

He watched how Malleus was able to raise Silver and laugh along with him. It was nice to see Malleus bonding with a human, despite his grandmother's warnings against them and them being the cause of the kingdom's loss of his mother. But Malleus didn't have that, that cold resentment that The Mistress had held for many years after Mealnoa's death.

Lilia felt a sadness, but a happiness as well. Seeing a fae with a human made him smile. Silver was full of laughter, which in turn got Lilia to chuckle.

"Mallie!" Silver laughs, "Your magic tickles!"

"It's supposed to," Malleus grinned. "Fae magic does not hurt unless it's used to harm people, and that is unfortunate for some people."

"Father says Faes do not often like humans. I still wonder why."

"Well, why do you so, young Silver?" Malleus asked, curious to hear the young child's thoughts.

"Well, maybe because we, as humans, don't understand magic," Silver pondered, "I mean, I didn't understand it at first, but it's something you learn to understand."

"That's very insightful for a boy your age, Silver," Malleus managed to say.

"You asked for my thoughts."

"Indeed, I did."

Malleus laughed and picked Silver up, holding him close.

"You have so much more understanding of Fae culture despite your young age," Malleus spoke up, "you should remember that someone like you is what we need in the world, humans and fae. Not many accept us like you do."

"Well, I like you and Father," Silver beamed up, "and my relatives too."

"Maybe one day I will take you to Blair Valley where all the lovely magical creatures live in together and I'm sure they'll love you as much as we do," Malleus cooed, "shall we go back inside? I heard Lilia is making us some amazing food."

Silver sticks his tongue out in disgust, making Malleus laugh.

"I agree, Lilia's cooking is far from perfect."

Silver smiles and snuggles Malleus.

That night, Silver sleeps on his bed, holding onto his stuffed animal. Malleus couldn't help but just watch with admiration for the young child, but the dread of the future made him scared. He knew he softened the blow of the curse but he wished it didn't have to come that way. Silver and Amore did not deserve the curse that his grandmother did and Malleus always will forever feel responsible.

"Malleus?" Lilia whispered.

Malleus looked back at Lilia, who had a candlelight in his hand.

"Lilia, the guilt," Malleys almost sobbed, "it's right here. I cannot help it, I know it is not my fault but my connection with my grandmother hurts my heart. Such a sweet child like him already understands and adores us, yet has no idea that a fae has harmed him. And I wish I could do more to help."

"Malleus, you are helping so much and I'm so happy that you are here and have always supported me." Lilia whispered, "Without you, those boys would die at 18 or even younger. Silver is already feeling safe with you around here and if something happens to me, you'll take care of him, and protect him."

"What do you mean?"

"Malleus, I feel it. The Mistress, I feel she has put a curse on me for betraying her and it's affecting me somehow. I feel more tired, and weaker, and my magic seems to be dwindling little by little, but it's not something I should worry about at this moment, what would happen in the future? I hate to leave Silver so young."

"If that is the case, Wisp, Elva, Holly and I will promise to take care of Silver."

"And that's why I trust you so much, Malleus," Lilia grinned, "I am so proud of you."

Malleus wipes his tears, looking down at Silver once again.

After a while, Malleus left, leaving Lilia alone in Silver's room, soon falling asleep, scared to leave his son's room.

Deep into the night, Lilia woke up in a cold sweat, gasping for air. He had just had a nightmare that felt all too real. In the dream, he was fighting a horde of monsters, but no matter how many he defeated, more kept coming. He felt overwhelmed and unable to escape.

As he sat up in bed, he took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. It was just a dream, he reminded himself. But the feeling of dread lingered.

He got out of bed and walked to the window, looking out at the night sky. The stars were bright, and the moon was full. It was a peaceful scene, but Lilia couldn't shake off the unease he felt.

He wondered if the dream was a sign of something to come. Perhaps there was a battle on the horizon, and he needed to prepare himself. Or maybe it was just his subconscious mind playing tricks on him.

Either way, Lilia knew he wouldn't be able to forget the old battles in his old days as the Mistress's General, but those years turned out to be an experience that he did not want to feel again.

The sounds, the touch, the scars, everything he remembered, he could still see or hear, regardless if he wanted to or not. The days of violence left a mark on him, and sometimes it shows with his words, his actions, and his reflexes to such normal things.

But the day he scared Silver was the worst day of his life. He never had felt so guilty scaring a human in his life as a general fae, but that broke him. He grew so close with a human that he would never do anything to scare the young boy, and that day proved that.

Wisp often teased him that Lilia had claimed Silver as his son, and now Lilia agreed with the statement, even saying that he was better than the royal king and queen themselves. A harsh claim, but a real claim all the same.

A love so dear that it created such a bond between a human and a fae was so rare that Lilia never thought he could ever have with a human, let alone a beautiful baby he blessed.

Meeting Silver was a beautiful memory that he will never forget.

⚔️Silver: Age 12⚔️

"Have you gotten everything?" Holly asked as they wrapped Silver's scarf around him, "and I trust you'll be home before dinner?"

"Of course, Guardian Holly," Silver smiles, "I promised you that nothing will harm me."

Lilia looked over and laughed. "Holly, he will be with Malleus and we both know how much Silver and Malleus can protect themselves."

"I would feel better if you were to accompany us, Lilia," Malleus sighed, "I know you trust me, and I do apperciate it, but my worry is that, well," Malleus just paused, "that they won't be nice to humans, let alone Silver."

Silver pouted and rolled his eyes. "I am not a child anymore, Father."

"Oh, we know," Lilia grins, "but I hate leaving my sweet son alone."

After much more convincing, Silver and Malleus walked down the path, hand in hand.

Malleus leads Silver to a beautiful path, full of flowers blooming as they walk across. Silver looks around in amazement, his hand only grazing on the petals, fairy dust flying in the air. Silver gasps and sees a fairy fly past him, and more come by, one even stops and kisses his cheek, which Silver giggles at.

"Flower fairies are very sweet, and they love sharing their flowers with others."

"Really?"

Silver looks around more as small mushroom people quickly scutter against him, clearly outstanded seeing a human nearby.

Silver smiles and waves at them with a smile.

"So amazing," Silver beamed. "Everything is so beautiful here, and I can see and feel things I've didn't think I could ever expereince.."

"I should say the same, being with humans," Malleus agreed, "You have opened my eyes to see natural things happen, and how humans solve problems with much magic either. Though I wonder how humans do it, but I am not completely sure how Lilia does as well. I mean, him still pretending to be humans has created some hilarious moments."

"Only you think it's fun," Silver laughed.

"Then why laugh?"

"You have a point."

Malleus grins and leads Silver deeper into the woods, looking watching Silver almost running off in excitement, gasping and greeting every single mystic folk he came across. He always had a bright smile on his face as he looked around, which made Malleus happy as well.

"Lilia has raised this human right," Malleus spoke to himself, "how he see things and befriend things that most do not want to do and fear. He is not like them, at all."

After a while, he watched as Silver began to bond with the forest Gollums, the protectors of the Mystical Forest. They began to take small flowers, that were planted on them, beginning to create a flower crown for the young human.

Silver was appreciating his overwhelming welcome, but he could hear something in the distance, like someone in distress. He can feel something is wrong and waits for an opening for him to investigate.

That opening was seeing Malleus speaking with one of the Gollums, which gave him enough time to walk towards the noise, which grew louder as he grew closer.

It sounded like someone was begging for someone or something to leave them alone.

Then it ended with a splash.

He rushed to see a boy his age, trying to stay afloat, as the river's waves tried to push him away, but he managed to hang on to a nearby boulder. He was trying to lift himself up, but the river was strong, due to the pixies over it.

Silver was warned about those pixies and rushed to help the boy, offering his hand.

"Hold on!" He cried, "Grab my hand, quickly!"

"I don't want to drown," the boy whimpered, shaking.

"I won't let you go," Silver urged, "please trust me!"

The boy lifted himself up again and grabbed onto Silver's hand immediately, with Silver helping them up.

He wrapped his scarf around the drenched boy and used his hands to swat the naughty pixies away, making the river calm down once again.

"Are you ok?" He asked, going back to the boy.

"Y-yeah," The boy had coughed. "I-I didn't know pixie were that mean."

"To humans, yes," Silver agreed.

The boy coughed again and took off Silver's scarf, letting him sigh in the sunlight, his golden hair reflecting the light.

"I'm glad you're ok," Silver sighed in relief.

That relief turned into uncomfortable as he noticed the boy was staring at him, shocked.

But Silver understood why.

They both shared the same rare eye color, aurora. Silver felt like looking at a mirror, even with the only difference being the boy's golden and curly hair compared to Silver's straight and well, silver hair.

"You look like me..?"

#twisted wonderland #twst #lilia vanrouge #silver vanrouge #twst silver #baby silver #original characters #sleeping beauty au #A Rose Sword #original work

[ladyzirkonia]

The Crossing

This one is for you my beloved @lightwise. I wrote my thoughts down while the episode was released and decided to take some screenshots. Not profread just copied the text and added the pictures.

This is still one of my all time favorite episodes.

Well, first of all, the scenery, the planet, the colors, the music that really appealed to me. You have to know that as a geologist I love deserts and sandstone formations. Unfortunately we don't have much of that in Europe, I was in America for three weeks once, that was the most wonderful thing I've experienced from a geological point of view.

Back to geology. The mine and that mineral they're supposed to extract. Needless to say, I would be there right away? Super interesting, I would of course pee my pants with fear, but what the heck. That sounds like an adventure to my taste.

I can't stop staring at Tech's tight Star Wars ''jeans''. This episode it's even a bit dustier and dirtier from the environment. Please don't blame me! (Where the thirst started ;))

I just have to mention again how beautiful these sandstone formations are. I read somewhere that someone wrote about Space Utah and I think that's 100% correct.

(And just a random Sergeant picture for you, because he's hot and we can, look at this man.)

And then comes the absolute lion king moment! That can only be intentional, right? I was really scared for a moment because I associated the scene so closely with The Lion King. It was one of my favorite movies as a kid and the scene where Mufasa dies still makes me cry sometimes. I mean, those critters literally look like space antelopes, don't they?

Oh man and I felt SO sorry for Wrecker! How heartless Tech sent him back down to get the Ipsium. ''What about protecting me?'' I just wanted to shout I protect you. And again a very uneasy feeling watching the animals trample over him, maybe that traumatized me more than I thought as a child.

And how Tech then just take the container himself, hello? I mean we already talked about him being a good fighter just like his brothers. But you're just not used to the autistic nerd being so physically fit. That's pretty hot. (Edit: Still a shrimp, we love it)

And the next argument between Tech and Wrecker. It's hard to defend Tech because he's really acting like an ass. You can tell how depressed Omega is in this situation and Hunter is just trying to hold everything together. I really feel sorry for him because I can't imagine he's doing really well, but as a parent, you always have to hold back your emotions. But isn't it clear here that the group has been thrown off balance? That they obviously care that Echo is gone, as some have complained after the last episode?

''What is your issue'' really wanted to make me scream.

And Omega's angry face afterwards. I just want to jump in and smooth things out. I mean it's nothing new that kids get traumatized in Star Wars. Boba didn't exactly have the dream childhood either, but I don't think it was worked out anywhere and thought about it, it's so wonderful.

And props to Wrecker I had to laugh SO MUCH as he looks at Tech afterwards and shakes his head in slight disappointment after she left just wonderful, so many little details anyway and the facial expressions just lovely.

And then comes THE moment. I mean this man just doesn't hesitate for a second and jumps after Omega, into the dark, into the unknown, he could just die but he doesn't hesitate. I'm just so speechless, if this isn't even a complete unconditional love father/brother moment I don't know what is.

It just seemed to me, but the way Hunter looked after they both fell, it felt like he could really sense that something was wrong and that they were both in danger, which I found really interesting.

The cave they end up in is so beautiful. But apart from that, I would have died of fear if I had been pulled under the water like that. And the moment when Tech is on the ground and lifts his goggles slightly to let water run out, another cute little detail!

And then comes the conversation, I don't even know if I want to go into all of this here, you could probably write an essay about that alone. I'll just sum it up, it was wonderful, it touched me and I think a lot of people who can identify with it did too. That there isn't just one way to express your feelings, that just because you don't show obvious feelings doesn't mean you don't have any or don't care. Most of the time when I'm feeling really bad I don't talk to anyone and you might think the same thing that I don't care about anyone and don't care, but that assumption couldn't be more wrong. I feel for Tech, I feel his words, I think that's one of the best lines of the season as well as his ''Understanding you does not mean I agree with you'' from season one. I'm jealous that despite everything he can express exactly how he feels, that he doesn't know how to feel about the changes.

And the first time, the first time they say they're a family, not just a squad, and Tech confirms it, that made me so happy. The scene is so beautifully acted, the facial expressions are so good. How Tech falters in the meantime and struggles for words, not at all self-confident and precise as usual. That made me so happy.

I may process moments and thoughts differently, but it does not mean that I feel any less than you. The sentence!!! And if he feels that way about Echo, how about Crosshair? His brother, who he's known since they were little? I'm crying! I really can't wait to see you all again Crosshair, it's getting so emotional!

And that it's just Tech who is allowed to shoot the Ipsium, no, not Hunter but Tech, how he holds the blaster with both hands, yes, we already had the topic of weapons, but that's just hot too. Now imagine some target practice with Tech or Crosshair, or best of all with both, I'd be a nervous wreck!

Did I mention that Tech sometimes walks a bit stacked, like a giraffe? It's hilarious, I had to remember that Penny once called Sheldon a giraffe. These tall, lanky nerd boys, I'm in love. (Here comes the shrimp again!)

And the perfect ending as Omega just uses Tech's words to keep morale up and he gives her a slight smile. Bonding mission successfully completed I would say!

Lot's of love and may the force be with you my space sister.

#the bad batch #the bad batch season 2 #the crossing #zirkonia rambles #zirkonias edits #tbb tech #tbb hunter #tbb wrecker #tbb omega #family bonding time #space utah

[momthesearemydinnerguests]

Re: My last reblog

IDK if reblogs were turned off or I've been blocked, so I'm responding here. I hope this doesn't come across as argumentative because i don't mean it to be. I'm just bad at tone. but I promise I genuinely want to have a discussion because i adore this fandom with all my heart.

@virginiaisforvampires Oh, don't get me wrong!! I am in no way trying to justify Armand in this scene. i 1000% agree that his "seduction" of Lestat in that scene is an act of incredible violence and cruelty. Armand DID try to rape Lestat, and Lestat absolutely should have wrecked his shit. I apologize if my wording made it seem like i was team Armand in this instance, because I absolutely am not. Lestat is 100% the victim in this instance. I'm a CSA survivor myself and I am deeply sorry if my wording implied that I was blaming Lestat. But I bring it up because 1) the obvious mirror in the show, and 2) it demonstrates how ridiculously powerful Lestat is even as a fledgling only a couple weeks/months old.

I also want to be clear that I am not saying the ep 5 scene happened in the books. It didn't. Like hands down. I don't even think that lestat is physically abusive in the books. I know it came across that way in my original response, and I apologize. i was in a rush and not separating my points out the best. I agree to an extent that In the Interview!book, Lestat and Louis do get into physical altercations and both parties are at fault. Hell, I'll even concede that in the physical altercations we see in the book, Louis is usually the aggressor (for example, when Louis almost kills Claudia, it is Louis who pins Lestat against the wall and rails at him). However, there is an inherent power imbalance in the Loustat relationship. Of course, i also FULLY believe that Lestat would do his best to hold back because he loves Louis with 100% of his being and wouldn't want to hurt him. But that doesn't mean that the imbalance isn't there. If Lestat's capable of doing that much damage to Armand - a vampire 200 years older than him who was also created by an ancient one - it's difficult to picture Louis and Lestat being evenly matched in a physical fight.

I also want to point out that reactive abuse is a very real thing... When Louis lashes out in the book, it's not without reason. And Lestat himself admits this, multiple times, throughout the books. When I say Lestat is abusive, I'm not talking about the physical violence. I'm talking about the way he targets people Louis cares about (Frenier, for example) - even if he has valid reasons (Frenier's plot to betray his family and leave his sister's with nothing), Louis is never made aware of these reasons and Lestat makes no attempts to explain. i'm talking about the fact that Lestat frequently projects his own trauma around being turned, and mocks Louis for his struggles with vampirism as a way of punishing himself. I'm talking about how he does to Claudia the exact thing he hated magnus for - turning her without her consent, condemning her to a life he didn't even want, without regard for what that transformation would mean for her. He denies them access to information, and even though he has good reasons for it (fear of marius's retribution, fear of the destruction of the vampire race, etc.), he's far from kind in the way he does so. In my experience, most abusers aren't sitting in their chair rubbing their hands together Bond villain style thinking of ways they can hurt you. Often they genuinely think that they are trying to make you stronger or to protect you from the world. it doesn't make their abuse any less real, it just makes it harder to see if for what it is.

As to @nalyra-dreaming's point about proving my own objection... I'm not objecting? My whole point there was that Armand is absolutely twisting the narrative. It's a thing he does all the time in the books. He will do anything to not feel alone, and that frequently involves tampering with memory and perception. The fact that the ep5 DV scene so closely mirrors his fights with Lestat in TVL is intentional. I absolutely believe that it could reasonably (and probably will) turn out that Armand is twisting the narrative and passing his own memories off as Louis's. While I personally don't like it for the reasons I stated , it fits with the narrative. But if it is a deception on Armand's part, the deception is effective precisely because Lestat is capable of such violence, even if it was never directed at Louis personally. After all, he's witnessed the violence lestat has directed at people less powerful than him (the priest in ep1, the tenor, their victims on murder night). I grew up in an abusive household, and even if it was never directed at me personally, I spent a lot of time waiting for the moment when the other shoe drops and it is directed at you. And Louis himself isn't immune to fits of excessive violence! If he himself struggles so hard to contain his rage, it makes sense he would fear Lestat doing the same. And if Lestat is capable of that level of violence, that means that it is also possible that it's not a deception. Rejecting the scene outright to me feels like turning a blind eye on that aspect.

Long story short, I agree that the DV scene in ep5 probably didn't go down the way Louis has presented in season 1, as much as I hope otherwise. I don't think that the story we've been presented so far is the WHOLE truth, but I don't see any reject it as a flat out lie. Even the books (at least the first five) I don't recall Lestat saying that Louis is a liar, but that Louis omits details and context, and/or misunderstands the situation. I do take issue with the idea that idea that Lestat isn't capable of that level of violence (not saying that's what y'all are doing, but I've seen a lot of that on my dash lately), and I do take issue with the statement that Lestat isn't abusive. The whole story is about a cycle of abuse (Marius+Santino to Armand, -> Armand+Magnus+Gabrielle to Lestat -> Lestat to Louis+Claudia) compounded by existing trauma, and the ways in which the characters struggle to break the cycle. And that's why it is so rewarding when they do succeed.

I personally don't want the scene retconned. I don't think it's necessary, and it would rub me the wrong way because of my own history with abuse and not being believed, or being told that I somehow deserved it. I don't think it takes away from Lestat's inherent goodness to have him fall so low in a moment of weakness. I don't think it changes the story either way. I'll also understand if they do, though, because it does fit with Armand's character. I don't understand the animosity I'm seeing between people who want it retconned and people who don't, because either way, it's all just speculation until season 2 actually aires. Both paths are capable of staying true to the characters and the story of the Vampire Chronicles.

#amc interview with the vampire #interview with the vampire #lestat de lioncourt #louis de pointe du lac #the vampire armand #iwtv opinions

[wallpaper-inside-my-heart]

You're losing me - Ianthony

Okay, so I know that I already rambled a bit about this one over on @beanie-twink s blog 😅

However 

Listening to “You’re Losing Me” after that letter video hits even worse, so I need to talk about it again, in more detail!

"You say, "I don't understand," and I say, "I know you don't"

We thought a cure would come through in time, now, I fear it won't"

→ Anthony feeling the rift between them growing but also not really finding the tools to repair it 

→ also the irony about this part of the letter

“But I don't think there is a point of no return for friendships as deep as ours was. I am reaching out to you as an ex-best friend. I want to talk about things and lay them all out there so we can possibly mend things.”

→ and him never actually reaching out to fix it

(not meant to blame him here, it was obvi very complicated; just pointing out the parallel)

"Remember lookin' at this room, we loved it 'cause of the light

Now, I just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time"

→ just the whole image of them creating smosh together, sharing their apartment for a while and then also the office space that Defy made available to them when they sold the company to them and how amazed they were at the professionalism back then

→ and all of that just turning more and more bleak over the years, as the work demands and exhaustion accumulated

→ but also with him now describing Ian as the sun! and the room loosing its light just like he was loosing his friendship with Ian!!! 

(I am so normal about all the metaphor opportunities Anthony has created for us with that simple comparison!!)

"Do I throw out everything we built or keep it?

I'm getting tired even for a phoenix

Always risin' from the ashes

Mendin' all her gashes

You might just have dealt the final blow"

→ so while part of this chorus still fit Anthony so well!

→ like him mourning leaving the company behind that he built with his best friend

→ I also want to talk about how well this fits Ian again!

→ not at the same time, but especially during the defy collapse

→ like in such a short amount of time he had lost both his best friend and it was looking like he was going to loose his company as well

→ just imagining how much it must have hurt for the universe to treat him so horribly back then

→ and how he had to keep fighting and reinventing both himself and the channel → aka a sort of rebirth/phoenix situation → again sun/fire symbolism!

"Stop, you're losin' me

I can't find a pulse

My heart won't start anymore for you

'Cause you're losin' me"

→ I don’t even know what to say 

→ like to me this just summarizes the letter and Anthony’s apparent emotional state prior to leaving really well

"Every mornin', I glared at you with storms in my eyes

How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'?

I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick

My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick"

→ this verse just explaining all the resentment that was building up in anthony and how he wanted Ian to actually react to what he was doing

→ especially regarding the part where he mentioned the failed conversation attempt about his bad ex-relationship

→ and Ian just not knowing how to react and in general continuing to act (and maybe even believe) that they were still fine

"And the air is thick with loss and indecision"

→ the perceived loss of the friendship and him being unsure whether he should finally leave or not

"I know my pain is such an imposition"

→ Anthony writing in the letter about worrying if he ever put Ian through emotional turmoil

"Now, you're runnin' down the hallway

And you know what they all say

"You don't know what you got until it's gone""

→ I feel like the last line can be both read towards Ian → in the sense that he didn’t realize what it would be like without anthony around or more precisely him not expecting them to just “looe” all contact with eachother

→ and also how valuable Anthony was to him as both friend and creative partner

→ but it also fits so well with Anthony saying this to himself

→ since he talked about how he didn’t realize “how important Ian really was for what smosh was able to accomplish” until he managed to get some distance from the situation

"[...]

"Who only wanted you to see [him]"

→ all this time Anthony just wanted Ian to recognize what he did without ridiculing it

(again, no blame either side, I’m just referring to the following line: “The snide remarks about anything I made that put my true emotions out there for the world”)

"And I'm fadin', thinkin'

"Do something, babe, say something"

"Lose something, babe, risk something" 

"Choose something, babe, I got nothing" 

"To believe, unless you're choosin' me""

→ Anthony asking Ian to leave smosh with him; to risk just leaving it all behind

→ and then seeing Ians refusal to “choose him” as the sign that the friendship he had once believed to exist between them had now faded beyond recognition...

#I need other ppl to feel these emotions with me!! #so I'm finally getting this one out of the drafts it's been sitting in since the letter video was posted #ianthony #taylor swift #lyric analysis #☀️🔎 #ianthony song rec

[thoughtsby]

You Belie

The respect you chase

When You Be Lie

U-Me vs

with a quickness lose face

Mocking our Us

No surprise no more grace

We both had a pass

And for you i lit up the town

While you lied on the daily

About fuckin these clowns

Goddamn. That's her dad

There go Marcus' face

beLie five more times

All the trust

zero trace

Her choices all seem

Not stacked with tens, but fives

She doesn't quite feel

That we're both still alive

Fuckin stall?

Zero game

Minor league

Zero shame

In and out like a boy

7 minutes he came

Whatchou gonna do with the next 53?

Good question

Like clockwork, she starts looking for me

Bout to call me daddy

But i get a b p

Not the oil, not the dad

Poems talking bout me

But just as I feared

She's shifts all of the blame

into three higher gears

Buying time I suppose

Till her fiction appears

Dodging again

The ironic-est twist

Of detail left out

Adding bitch to my list

For each one of my calls

The others have six

They're omissions not lies

She doesn't think much

Again she dons the guise, disrespecting

The man that I am

She won't even try

Tho my back is up straight

And my head is held high

Realizing too late

That she drowned me with lies

So many days

i put your needs before mine

Your complacency framing

My low self esteem

Once secure in its place

I forgot I was dope

Till all of your friends

Reached out to help cope

And as good as that feels,

You'll need to arm yourself

Rip off your pants,

imma fuck your sister,

your mom

And even your aunts.

So get your ducks in a row,

And name the lead Plot

Jump them over the holes

Omissions and Nots

The thing I need most

Is to back me up G

Forget about He

Cuz it's all about me,

No way you don't see

The lie to yourself

Pussy on notice

And false perceived wealth,

That i never meant much

A year or three late

it was really just you

Spreading lies and the hate

Set flame to our pattern

Did I rank below Lou?

Or noch, Mike, and Josh?

It was more than a few

Fake stay in your lane

Inflict maximum pain

Scurry home to the desert

Prognosis the same

So fuckin lame

Wasting time

playing games

You throw us away

Every day that you say

Secrets no more

Now you're basically gay?

Except that's a lie,

Finger banged by some guy

Or bareback five strangers

Let concern for me fly

My safety, my health, my kids,

You don't try

But I see you now

I see through your guise

And I'm wanting to grow

Tho call me your man

While he's sharing your sheets

In the fire from pan

Come crying to me

From a 9 to a 2

Motherfucker he can't conjugate

No one's sorry for you

-----

If i follow again,

You're the last of your kind

Fit Benny on doubt

Cuz I'm outta my mind

And partially blind

The advantage got taken

Am I a sucker?

Or kind?

Just spread super thin

So confused

Where you been?

You'll live in my house

Buy some clothes,

Buy some shoes

Buy a phone

With fuck yous

All neatly included for free

At no cost

If you ignore the few months

I was totally lost

I'm a man not a mouse

I brought you here, sure,

But your logic is flawed

Nobody keeps a ride score

But If they did and saw you

They'd say you were trash,

And I'd correct them

For you.

But they're right, in fact

When you act like you do

So no crutch for me

I wrote this poem for you

Like warm sidewalk gum that'll stick to your shoe

Turn your black

Into blue

Till you find someone new

And by lunch there's no doubt

You'll have at least two,

Command no respect

Till my unseen support

Sends a pattern in short

While your 4 outta 10 starts to court

I'm sick to my stomach

Once again you're a ghost

Walking with trash

Strange gets all your most

You'll tell a few lies

Maybe work in a toast

At my expense sure

You'll have your own roast

So...

Fresh after your mention

Of your elsewhere-dick-session

I'm a glutton you'll find

For stories that kill

This one is the Besst

But I've had just my fill

I won't even know

Seed dried on your chest

You'll kiss me so hard

And say I'm the best

You'll grab a fresh shard

And in caves my chest

But when i find out,

And I always do, Boo

Cuz all of your friends

Like me better than you

Well... shit,

I just might

Turn the tide

In one night

Hit em all

With one ball

Say goodbye

And don't call

Have you wondering out loud

How YOU had the gall

Your loyalty

Matched

stature

Impossibly small

#me #lame #callmeashley #deceit #trust #maturity

[vinhteer]

Some rambling about itsfunneh's YHS and Kyran's and Alec's friendship

Just finished watching the 1st season of YHS!

It's.... KIND OF A MESS? Once again the plot is everywhere and they're not very good at pacing.

Slightly unrelated to the plot; what bothered me the most was the outdated gender roles being pushed on every time.

 --"You punch like a girl." (not the extra misogynistic flavour in this quote) "I'm going to roast marshmallows.. LIKE A MAN!"

There's also another episode where they're looking to buy a present for senpai and Kyran said that Gold shouldn't buy perfume for the former because HE'S NOT HER BOYFRIEND?? ANYWAYS This was 7 years ago and I'm not saying you should harass or cancel the krew for this or whatever (it's extremely pointless and it won't go anywhere). I'm just criticising it because this type of generalisation leads to stereotypes. AND THEN these stereotypes both dictate the way you behave because you're scared that people will put you down and brush you off.

ANYWAYS, I didn't mean to make a long ass paragraph about this but here we are.

Pushing aside the ordeal abt the writing pushing these gender roles, there's a paradox about that and the relationship between Kyran and Alec. It's kind of funny because there are some elements in their dynamic that could become a good conflict between them and it could also say a lot of things about how society works and how words have a lot of power.

- Kyran is your shy reserved weeaboo who's often played as the comedic relief because of his tendencies to just suck at physical activities (me asf)

- Alec is the shady hardworking stereotypical bad boy. He's a murderer's henchman solely because he needs money to support his family.

There is a lot of potential to talk about what boys (and equally girls) have to endure in society and how it can be dealt with.

HEADCANON STUFF HERR!! But if you tweak some stuff, Kyran has the archetype of the guy labelled as "too feminine" because he's not athletic and actually voices out his emotions. But evidently he doesn't want to be seen as feminine because it has negative connotations; when he says "I'm going to roast marshmallows.. LIKE A MAN!" it LITERALLY sounds like he has a fragile masculinity because... society. And I'm not blaming it at all haha... I feel like we've all experienced a slice of this.

Conversely, there's Alec who actually fits into the masc category; he's effortlessly athletic and doesn't feel... much I guess. He doesn't really voice out his emotions like AT ALL but he is put down often because he's kind of seen as a delinquent by most people.

So there's this whole thing between the fear of being called feminine as a masculine individual and being feared by most people simply because of the way you dress/act.

I think that's already a really strong foundation for what will ensue next.

So in season 2 we get to know how they first met in kindergarten.

Kyran was getting bullied by some random dude. But Alec just beats the crap out of that person (which he refers alec as the "MEAN BOY", once again supporting my stuff with Alec being seen as a bad person. But thats just my interpretation of it, like there are so many and tbh u would call anyone mean for punching you if you rhink youre right ig). To me it just kind of makes their friendship a little more complex!

1. it shows that Alec genuinely doesn't give a fuck about who Kyran is as a person because regardless of who he is, that kid was doing something wrong. Alec is a decent person for standing up for someone who couldn't do anything against what was happening at the moment. I know they were like 5 but it shows that in nature Alec instinctively does things for what he believes is right (and it's not the only example of Alec doing something nice).

2. To me it says a lot about how children just don't care about who they're playing with based on physical attributes or whatever UNTIL society makes them learn that it DOES matter.

And these facts are so bittersweet to me because in the camping episode of season 1, they just voice out each other's insecurities. It's not even funny anymore LMAO.

"you're a delinquent!" + Alec poking "fun" at Kyran for being childish/not-a-man-TM, but you could interpret him as just asking these questions out of curiosity. He's actually less confrontational than Kyran in the episode.

Despite knowing that they used to look out for each other and accepted each others' QUOTE AND QUOTE """""" flaws""", whatever outbreak happened between these two must have caused a huge impact on each other's perception of each other. An impact that made them internally say "people must've been right. Alec IS a bad person after all. Kyran IS too emotional."

There's another layer of salt to the wounds because deep down Alec probably also agrees with Kyran for being a delinquent because he's Yandere's henchman.

Some suggestions that could've made this story a bit more engaging and interesting, at least for me:

- making alec hate horror + gore would make more sense to me because his side job is to literally cover up someone's death and all of that.

- we get 0 reasons as to why Alec likes Funneh. I feel like they could've played on the fact that Alec didn't make any friends after Kyran and has always been viewed as the bad guy. But then Funneh just doesn't care about that prejudice and hangs out with him anyway?

- the 2 plots (funneh's life + yandere's killing spree) should've been a bit more intertwined. Murder cases in high school aren't peanuts. I feel like it could've been fun seeing Kyran dragging Gold and Funneh into this whole detective thing meanwhile Alec is reluctantly coming with them and having some inner conflicts. Actually, they should've fleshed out their reasons as to why they're doing this whole detective thing in the first place. There needs to be a huge drawing force as to why, yk? Maybe drawing some inspiration to Heathers and Be More Chill could've been fun too!

- Despite them being in America, I feel like we should've seen more people of colour? Like african descent americans. Their thing literally takes place in THE USA yet most of them are like... white or asian or mixed

#why is this so long #1k words #why #anyways #itsfunneh yhs #yhs #yandere high school #itsfunneh yandere high school #rambling

[heartfeltletters-written]

Her afternoon had been filled with body tremors.

I honestly love the little details you have put about Violet's EDS. It's so interesting yet painful to read how it is not just the people she loves but also her own body which is betraying her.

There would be questions if the whole second-year floor was able to hear her scream every time she fell asleep.

I wish we could see more of Violet's emotions in canon. You have perfectly portrayed the what ifs I wanted with your words. Kudos to you!

Navarre would keep lying, and the rebellion would keep acting under the radar, never having enough riders to make a difference because they were too scared to cause a scene, to stir rebellion from the inside.

I was honestly concerned how Violet could not see the parallels. Just because the rebellion wanted to fight against the venin and end it for good did not mean their approach was correct.

“Power is a ladder, trust yourself only, watch your back. Riders fight, and soon you’ll be flying for the good of the continent.” had been the Princess’ words in Morraine.

There is NO WAY she does not know. I'm sure she knows about the rebellion too to some extend. But if she does not, does it mean there would be a civil unrest because of the people in the wards who do know?

It was baffling how no one in the rebellion saw they were doomed to fail due to their pride and fear.

I honestly don't know how the Assembly members reached their current positions. Turns out people throughout the continent have the same arrogance issues 🤣 🤣

Who shows such sense of ownership and belonging in public and yet every truth has to be ripped out of them by force? Xaden, apparently.

He does not know how to be in a relationship, apparently. I'd love to see him grovel in your book now.

That’s when both she and Alys started to learn how to master the art of manipulation.

This sentence somehow made me see the resemblance between Lilith and Xaden. Both of them would do anything to protect their loved ones (In Lilith's case her kids and in Xaden's it's Violet). They honestly don't know how a healthy relationship works. We readers often say that we can excuse murder but not cheating, but we cannot actually do that. Lilith here got the rebels killed, made the bargain with Xaden and did much more cruel things just to keep her children safe. Xaden would do the same thing if it comes to Violet.

He had blamed Violet for their behavior because a member of the Royal Family could never have thoughts of their own when it came to controversial matters.

I'd love to have a friendly conversation with Tauri. Just for a few minutes please 😀🔪

“You don’t need me to be an open book. We’re allowed to have boundaries. If you want to know something you only need to start asking.”

But then what's the point if she does not even know the basics about you 😭😭

Then Rhi’s face softened. “But also terribly tired, are you sure you want to go? We can just cuddle in your bed and cry to sleep.”

Rhi is that ride or die friend every Violet needs and I'm hear for it.

“Fight harder then.” A pause. “Two can play this game Xaden, If you want me to ask about things I’ll make you the same rule.”

I WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS! IM SO HAPPY YOU DID THIS! HE NEEDS A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE!

“Do be careful who you share your war stories with, Violet. I’d hate to see your mother lose either of her daughters.”

Him threatening Mira had me on my last nerve. Can I have 5 minutes with him too? Please 🔫😀

“Secrets make for poor leverage. They die with the people who keep them.”

Oh I am SO ready for him to die now

Ok so this post is extremely long.

Just ending this with the fact that you're doing an awesome job and this chapter was splendid. I'd love you to explore more dynamic about Alys and Violet and love to see more of Mira. I honestly miss her so much, even in canon. Keep up the excellent work!!

I'm gonna start crying in about 3 seconds, what a lovely comment !! thank you so much <3

Portraying Violet's EDS in a realistic way is very important to me, I don't want to get it wrong and diminish people who have these kinds of issues with their own bodies, so I try to be really mindful of her pain.

Listen the Assembly in Aretia is dumb and it baffles me how no one states the obvious in canon.

civil unrest will happen one way or another, but if people know and decide to act ... it'll get ugly and I can't give much much away without spoiling but yeah

Xaden will grovel don't worry !!

Xaden and Lilith are soooo alike !! i love writing them both bc none of them are good people exactly but they're not terrible either. they do bad actions but its all bc they think its 1) the right thing to do or 2) to protect the people they love

Tauri is a king and a king will always be a king and act superior to everyone else

Rhi and Violet are very very special to me they're it !!

No one threatens Mira on my watch, we'll see more of her soon, Alys did make a promise to Violet after all. I'm so amazed that people like Alys so much it makes me really happy !!!

thank you so so much for this comment and pls don't feel shy I welcome them every time <3

#we never knew peace #asks

[aziraphales-library]

Hi there! Do you have any fics were it's the continuum of Crowley and Azirphale's bench scene at night in tadfield after they stop Armageddon. But instead Aziraphale decides to "stay at Crowley' s place" instead

Hello! We have some fics on our #the night at crowley’s flat and #bodyswap tags. Here are some more for you...

Close Calls by EdosianOrchids901 (T)

On their way to Crowley’s flat, Aziraphale is haunted by fear of losing his demon. When he finds out that Crowley used the holy water, the terror overwhelms him. Can he and Crowley talk about their feelings?

Meet me in the middle by nightbloomingcereus (T)

In which Crowley invites Aziraphale to stay at his place, if he likes. It's no trouble at all. He's got two beds in his bedroom and everything.

Recounting the Deeds of the Day by charlottemadison (T)

The bus ride back to London was utterly silent. But only for the first seven minutes. Crowley and Aziraphale have a lot to catch up on by the time they get to Mayfair.

"Do you think I'm unaccustomed to you being **wrong,** angel?" grinned Crowley broadly. "I mean you have this whole dance you do, I know the steps by heart."

Aziraphale frowned, jerked abruptly out of his wallow. "Pardon."

"First you act horrified," Crowley explained as if it were the water cycle, "then there's the bit where you justify and explain things sanctimoniously. After that you disavow me and pretend we don't know each other. Then evidence mounts 'til you snap, and finally you turn up again and act like you agreed with me all along. Wossat, five parts? The five stages of Aziraphale Coming Round."

Aziraphale blanched, feeling a little too Seen. It had been shaping up to be such a nice apology too.

Part 1 of The Longest Night series

You Can Stay at My Place if You Like… by Fire_Traveller (G)

After the Apoca-Nope, Crowley invites Aziraphale to stay with him, since (as they both believe) Aziraphale's bookshop is gone. In the following night, they will need to figure out how to deal with the repercussions of their actions - and how to avoid being obliterated by their former employers...

rivers and deserts (i cry then i'm better) by sevdrag (T)

Aziraphale says, “Look, darling, we’re an angel and a demon. We have a delightful spread of occult and ethereal powers at our disposal. Surely we’ll be able to think of something?”

This is meant to be uplifting. This is meant to get Crowley thinking, to set his lovely imagination in line with the centuries of knowledge Aziraphale can recall, to focus Crowley at the time Aziraphale needs him the most.They can both be mortar and pestle; both be fulcrum and lever, as it suits them. There really isn’t that much difference between the two of them, anymore.

Instead Crowley recoils, and hisses, “Why must you alwaysss say that?”

[you can stay at my place, if you like] [part 1 of 3] [a triptych of that night]

Part 1 of if i were with you (i could say amen) series

all our seams and scars by ilarual (M)

The apocalypse has been averted. The Earth has been granted a reprieve, but Heaven and Hell are looking for someone to blame, and Aziraphale and Crowley aren't out of the woods yet. A story about love, devotion, and quitting your shitty job.

- Mod D

#good omens #ineffable husbands #the night at crowley's flat #mod d

[csa-survivor-confessions]

?

i still remember very little of my trauma/CSA, and i often doubt if it even happened at all because i don’t remember who the perpetrator was. i can remember how it FELT, physically and emotionally, but i don’t have much visual memory, mostly just somatic. the doubt is still something i struggle with so much, and even though i’ve been in trauma therapy for years now, and was referred to a DID specialist by multiple clinicians, i still have this fear that i somehow subconsciously made the whole thing up to get attention or to use as an excuse. i’ve done a lot of reading on the false memory myth, but of course my brain tells me that i must be the exception, that the CSA simply could not have happened to me, especially since a don’t remember who the perpetrator was.

a few months ago, my older sister disclosed to me that our older brother was sexually abusive to her when she was a teenager. she said he never touched her, but would try to record her in the shower, and even stole nude pictures of her off her computer and anonymously used them to blackmail her when she was 16. the police traced it back to him, but my parents blamed her because they were angry that she had taken those photos in the first place (we grew up in a very religious fundamentalist household.) that’s why she decided not to press charges.

this brought up so many questions for me about if it’s possible that my brother was my perpetrator— from what i remember, my perpetrator was a man who was much older than me. i always assumed it was an adult but it’s possible it could’ve been a teenager like my brother was at that time (he is 8 years older than me.) the abuse happened when i was the ages 4-7, at night. aside from that, i don’t know much in terms of context and setting. it’s also possible that someone else in our lives abused both me and my brother, and he was acting it out on my sister. i don’t know. i just wish i could remember. i can’t remember very much at all about my life before age 9-10.

my DID specialist told me that some memories are “unexperienced” because the brain can sometimes just completely shut down during a major trauma, which could be why i have more memory of right before certain events and right after, but only somatic memory of what happened in between. she said these full memories may never come back, and while i’m terrified to remember, it also feels maybe even scarier not to, because then i feel like i’ll never be safe— i question everyone in my life, and i feel like i can’t trust anyone. my specialist also told me that not remembering who your perpetrator was often happens when the perpetrator was someone close to you, who you trusted. i just can’t fathom any of it. it makes me feel like i can’t trust anyone at all.

is it still possible to fully heal from CSA if the memories never come back? if i never remember who the perpetrator was? is it possible to ever feel safe, or to trust myself and others? i know you can’t give me a concrete answer on whether or not it’s real, but i’m so scared that i’ll never heal from this.

thank you for all that you do here <3

Hello,

You can absolutely still heal from your trauma!

There are therapeutic methods that don't require talking about the specifics of trauma. Methods that are based heavily on somatic processing, examples include Somatic Experiencing, Sensorimotor psychotherapy, brain spotting, trauma-informed yoga, trauma-informed massage, and more. These focous on integrating trauma responses that are held in the body. They can work on the body memories and parts of memory you have, you do not need to know the perpetrator. These therapies are known to be really helpful in forming felt safety and reducing hypervigilance.

You can also still do things with communicating with your alters and bringing down dissociative barriers. Understanding what your alters are carrying and letting them express themselves will help quite a bit. You don't have to have memories in totality to learn communication.

Bringing down dissociative barriers will also help with feeling safe in your body. When you work together life becomes more manageable and dissociative experiences can often decrease. Dissociative experiences can contribute to feeling unsafe and breaking health attachments to other people. So rather functional multiplicity or total fusion is what your want to do (and it's fine if you don't know yet) it will make your life better!

it's normal to be afraid of people around us when we don't know what happened exactly in our childhoods it's so hard, but you're not alone.

As you're able to bring down the hyperarousal in your body, I believe that the fear of everyone around you will decrease. Of course, it is true that there might still be worries. but you can build a full life.

I can not tell you if your brother was the one to abuse you or not. But I can tell you that your life can and will get better.

Be Blessed,

-Admin 2

#ask #advice #childhood trauma #trauma resposnes #dissociative identity disorder #did #incest cw #body memories #therapy mention

[golbrocklovely]

personal rant incoming lol

tw: mentions of suicide/self esteem issues but isnt about that, mostly just me bitching about my mother

i love my mom with all of my heart. i literally take care of her as much as humanly possible. she does so much for me and continues to do so much for me. i literally tell her i love her every time i leave my room and pass hers. anytime we finish talking i tell her i love her. that's how we've always been towards one another. her, me, and my brother.

BUT I SWEAR SOMETIMES SHE WANTS ME TO PROVE HER DEEPEST FEAR RIGHT: that she's a bad mother and that i secretly blame her for everything wrong in my life.

there have been times when my mom will do the whole "well i guess i'm a terrible mother" act when i complain about my life, or a lot of times she will blame how both me and my brother treat ourselves on her not teaching us how to love ourselves. for example my brother struggles with self esteem issues that he's had since he was a teen. but my mom loves to turn him literally talking about wanting to end his own life and make it about herself. she'll say shit like "i didn't teach him well enough that's why he feels the way he does." and the same thing with me and my suicidal issues. i haven't had any in a long time, but she constantly will turn things of that nature and be self-deprecating almost about it, making it seem as if she didn't do enough, when she did. hell i was suicidal as a kid bc i never told her what i was going thru and when i reached out finally, she did everything in her power to make it right.

and yet she still plays this game of "oh i guess i'm a terrible mother" when i complain about my life or maybe even something she did.

recently i realize that i have become the parent in this household. i'm trying to hold everyone together and i just fucking hate it. i don't want kids bc i've had to parent my own mom for years, if i'm honest. i've had to take care of her since i was young. i had to learn to take care of myself since i was kid bc my brother was always sick and i just didn't get the attention i think i needed at the time.

maybe that's why i went into theater lol

but i am…. so tired, of having to be the strong one. of having to find solutions to problems i didn't make. to having to take care of the house just bc my brother was never taught to put shit in the trash or bc he's too depressed to do it or bc my mom literally can't do it bc she's disabled. and i'm not upset at them. not fully at least. i don't blame my mom for what she can't do. the same thing with my brother. but fuck… i am exhausted.

i just got into an argument with her bc i said i wanted to move out at some point. bc i'm 27 and don't want to live with her and my brother forever. but i said that i would most likely, even if i did move out, have to give some of my paycheck to the house bc my mom doesn't work and neither does my brother. and we're only living off of my dad's life insurance and social security which is gonna run out soon.

and then she started going on this long ass speech of like "oh you think it's easy out there but it's not, you'll just come back here in the end anyway," ect. and i just kept saying like i know it's not easy to live on your own. but it was just the way she was saying it like i'm a kid that pissed me off. and then she started shitting on my job and the fact i work in retail and don't make a lot bc i only work part time. and i just kept agreeing with her to a point but she kept… making it seem like i wasn't getting it.

and then my brother came upstairs to see what we were yelling about and ALL OF SUDDEN she goes "do you guys even appreciate the fact that we got money from dad's retirement? bc that was supposed to be my money and i could have easily kept it." she also had said earlier "i could have kicked you guys out at 18, but i didn't." and i'm just thinking in my head do you want a gold star?? but i didn't say that.

basically, i think my mother thought that i wasn't being appreciative of her and whatnot just bc i said i don't want to live with her forever. she's always kinda had an issue with me wanting to leave, especially since i've been saying it since i was in my early 20s if not before. but i've never said in a malice way, just more like oh i can't wait to be on my own.

i've always been independent, mostly bc i had to be. and now that i want to be, there's an issue.

but i HATE that she brought up the money bc i had to bring up to her that clearly both me and my brother care about this family bc before my dad died me and my brother both gave almost all of our bonds away to this family, equaling out to 1000+ dollars by both of us, so that we could pay bills since my dads paycheck wasn't cutting it. that money was meant for me and my brother alone. our grandparents gave that to us to have for when we were older and not living here anymore. basically as an insurance policy. one that we don't have anymore bc all but one a piece are gone.

not to mention when i started working i would give my barely $100 paycheck over almost completely. same thing with my brother. he was working full time, make $800 biweekly, and all of that went to family expenses.

so for her to say that just feels like a kick in the stomach. i love my family. but fuck… i gotta move out. and i mean it. or i'm gonna end up in the fucking looney bin, i swear.

i know some of this might sound jokey but i'm actually crying while writing this. like i just want things to get better, but i swear i feel like i'm drowning and no one can help me. i know my mom is just in a mood and is a bit tipsy, but i just hate hearing her say that. don't push your own insecurities about being a mom onto me. i haven't done anything wrong.

and then she wonders why i don't want kids at all. i never got to fully be one, if it wasn't me being ignored it was me being suicidal since i was 13.

why is it that everyone else can treat me like shit and say mean things but i have to be the bigger person? what has that gotten me?

i think i also wanted to add that i do appreciate everything i have gotten in my life and i know that my life has been a lot easier than others. but me complaining about how it is going now or literally just me being upset about whatever is happening in my life doesn't take away from the privilege i have had. i know that. but it feels like my mom just reads between lines that aren't there. i don't blame her for how things have played out, but that doesn't mean i cant complain regardless.

#personal #text #wow i needed to say all of this #i hope yall dont think of my mom negatively #she truly is a lovely person #she just... knows how to hurt me without trying i think