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tabithatwo · 1 year

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are we ready to talk about shauna's barely hidden but somehow very ignored psychosis and how it, like a ton of her other qualities, is brushed aside by both those around her and the audience? like, i think its clear that a central focus of the show is the way lottie is the only one who got stuck in a facility (and natalie in and out of rehab being the next closest to reckoning with her shit) when the rest of them are very clearly not okay. as a certified Crazy Girl, i've been weary of how they'll handle lottie's story line (blurring psychosis and the supernatural is a very delicate and tricky thing and thus far i've been sort of just waiting to see where it goes). our data on and understanding of mental health is incredibly limited for a lot of reasons (but that's a rant for another time) but there is a large mainstream misconception of when hallucinations and delusions can happen. psychosis isn't just something that happens in schizophrenia and its very complex, so if you want to learn more there's plenty of info out there i'm not going to get into it here, but it happens in a lot of other cases. psychosis is, most simply put, a loss of contact with external reality. ptsd can cause psychosis, especially auditory and visual hallucinations.

so shauna is shown to have these experiences and i didn't realize that they were being so heavily overlooked by a large amount of people until the reaction to the scene where she beats lottie nearly to death. shauna is introduced in s1 as having hallucinations of jackie 25 years later. she is shown to disassociate. in 207, she both holds the baby's body and believes the delusion that they ate the baby. the episode shows her fighting the delusion until she can't anymore. meanwhile, adult shauna tells lottie she keeps callie at arms length out of "fear that she would die...i guess? or maybe that she was never even...real to begin with." then she adds "i think something is broken, lottie." implied: she's broken. something is wrong with her. this is the is the most honest about her mental state we've ever seen shauna be.

why? because lottie has always been and likely will always be perceived as crazier. lottie is the one they pin it on, lottie is the cult leader both then and now, lottie is the scapegoat, lottie is the one who got sent to switzerland. i think there's something to be said for the effect lottie has on people (again, a whole other post) but honestly, that alone is enough. shauna is feeling vulnerable for a lot of reasons and she can tell lottie that she thinks she's crazy, that she's never quite sure her daughter exists, that she's constantly afraid she'll die to the degree that she doesn't let herself interact with her in a real, tangible way, because it's always safer to tell the crazy girl you're crazy, too.

and lottie knows. shauna knows that. lottie clocked her psychosis almost immediately, when she was in the meat shed for all hours. the other girls were shocked by the makeup, and their shock was so fucking strange to me when i watched it, but now on reflecting i'm realizing maybe its the lottie effect. like, have i done the shit shauna has? abso-fucking-lutely not lol. but does my mind work in a way where i immediately would assume shauna was doing something along the lines of the shit she was doing out there, because to me its like...what else would it be? yeah. like sees like, in a way. lottie knows what this looks like at baseline, even if its coming out way different in shauna. even if in shauna it looks like aggression and violence a lot of the time. lottie gets it.

jeff doesn't get it, he thinks strawberry lube is too wild. taissa gets it to a degree, and we see shauna be the second most open with her, but tai suppresses and hides it a degree that she wouldn't dare step foot in a therapist's office (this is yet another thing that makes me crazy but is a whole other post lol). shauna's main goal in this life she's created is pretending to be normal. and she's like, impressively bad at it. but people let her, because what else are they going to do? addressing the clear issues is taboo, because we categorize people so heavily. she masks better than lottie, but it's fucking wafer thin. you see this when she interacts with people who aren't her family or the other yjs. the way she speaks to the taylors? to adam? shauna is only sometimes masking passably when she's in her set world, where she has a routine, and is surrounded by people she only has to half-convince of her sanity.

if shauna is honest about the level of psychosis she experiences, she knows she'll end up like lottie. and i think there's an argument to be made that the people around her (which at this point in her life is pretty much just jeff because she's done another common thing and insulated herself from other people, re: the way she behaves being clockably off to others who won't overlook certain things or can't relate) understand that too. it can't be addressed, because then in their minds there must be action of some kind if it is. (taissa yelling you're acting crazy, shauna is one of the most purely terrified moments we see of her in relation to shauna, because she knows she's admitting something. jeff yelling something to the same effect after the carjacking, same thing.)

the person we see try to get shauna to open up about it is callie. her teenage daughter, who bares the brunt of her difficulty maintaining reality, (who knows that shauna has never accepted her fully as her child, and seems to actually sense that there is a deeper reason for that), asks her to open up. she tells her after the club scene that she knows something is wrong. she even mentions jackie directly. she spends all of s2 trying to relate to shauna, to get her to be open with her about everything. there's no way shauna's trauma and psychosis and general issues have gone unnoticed by callie. daughters always know. they see it in their mothers before they even have a concept of the world. so we're watching a 16 year old try to get her mom to open up, because she doesn't understand fully why that's so dangerous to shauna. to callie, it may even be a secret she thinks other people are in on that she's being left out of. i think maybe she's realizing that it isn't personal and that shauna is guarded like this in general, and we're watching that happen.

callie is learning to care for and relate to her mother and she doesn't see why shauna won't let her in, because to her it's an innate truth that she'll be by her side no matter what (if only she'd let her be). she has unconditional love for her mother and that is the scariest thing in the world to shauna, because the last person who had unconditional love for shauna died because shauna didn't know what to do with it. a baby she never got a chance to meet in reality could've replaced the love that jackie gave her, and shauna was maybe starting to look forward to that, but that ended before it began. so twice shauna has killed that figure in her life. the one who loves her wholly and for who she is, which is terrifying to shauna in it's own right (she tried to take that away from jackie in their last moments, maybe you never really knew me, because that would be easier. shauna can't handle someone really knowing her because she can't handle really knowing herself because, again, that means addressing things that go unaddressed). and she doesn't plan on killing that figure again.

(if callie's even real, because the baby wasn't real when she met him and jackie wasn't real every time she's talked to her in the last twenty-five years, so who the fuck is to say callie is real?)

#this started purely as a shauna shipman psychosis discussion and ended with shauna callie mother daughter dynamics but i'm only human #they are so special to me #as the crazy daughter of a crazy mother that i had to let go of. watching them is a wild experience #shauna shipman #jackie taylor #jackie x shauna #taissa turner #shauna x jackie #jackieshauna #callie sadecki #tai x shauna #lottie matthews #lottie x shauna #yellowjackets #cw psychosis

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cozycottagetarot · 11 days

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PAC: How Can You Break The Cycle

Messages From Elle: We did it guys!😮‍💨

Notes:

This PAC Covers:

What is the cycle?

What keeps it going?

What will it take to break it?

What could that look like for you? (Patreon Extended)

‼️ THIS READING IS MEANT FOR SELF-REFLECTION AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY -- While this reading does broach topics relating to mental health & mindset, contain a bit of advice and reflective questions, IT'S IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM MEANT TO REPLACE PROFESSIONAL ADVICE OF ANY KIND. Please use your discretion, think carefully before you act and only take what resonates be it a little, some or none at all. ‼️

Reading Masterlist | Patreon | Paid Readings -- Open 🥂

PILE 1 (Brick Wall)

Current Energy

Cards: 10 of cups, The Empress, The Chariot

I feel as though you’re currently in this energy where things couldn’t be better…. But then why are you here? I know that's my job to figure out but still. I feel like you’ve been making strides to create the life that you want. You’re charging forward, becoming more disciplined and things are starting to feel warm.

The cycle that needs to be broken:

Cards: The Wheel of Fortune, Nine of Wands, Page of Pentacles, Four of Wands

The cycle that needs to be broken is one of constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. You’re tired of fighting or always fending off the downward turn of the wheel of fortune and while you may try to keep your faith that things can get better and stay better, you're always expecting things to get bad again. You could be worried the new beginning won't start, the relationships won't come, or the financial abundance won't find you. I think this fear or vigilance has such a tight hold on you, that you end up not taking action. You may need to readjust your game plan. You don't allow yourself to relax. You don't allow yourself to celebrate your wins… you're always in this state of hyper vigilance.

What keeps the cycle going?

Cards: The Sun, The High Priestess, Two of Pentacles, Seven of Pentacles

I don’t think you really allow yourself to be happy. That may be the current energy I was picking up on as well. When things are going great you don’t really let them go great. I also think you’re neglecting the things that are really important to you inside… maybe so much that you don’t even know what those things are anymore. Not knowing how to navigate this internal world of yours keeps fueling this cycle of 'oh, what bad thing will happen next?' You may also have a hard time making decisions or generally deciding what you want, floating back and forth between options. This back-and-forth stops you from actually putting in the work it takes to succeed and enjoy the FULL results, therefore keeping the cycle going. Another thing I picked up on is maybe the wheel keeps turning back and forth as well because from going back and forth all the time, you’re never really getting to move past the lessons you may need to learn in order for you to reach your desired outcome or abundance.

What will it take to break this cycle:

Cards: Seven of Cups, Five of Cups, Two of Cups, Ace of Pentacles

If you want to break this cycle, you have to make a decision on what exactly it is you want. It might mean leaving behind something, but you have to remember that so much more also awaits you in the process. Stop dwelling on what has gone 'wrong' before, especially if it’s past events that influence your lack of decision. It's okay to have that vigilance and use the past to better navigate the future-- HOWEVER, it's also important to get honest with yourself about whether it's a valid concern or a fear talking. It's time to change your mindset to focus on what can go right. I think also there will be someone available to help you once you make a decision about what you want to pursue. The alternate I'm getting is that you have to allow yourself to lean on others if you want to break the cycle. This could be through personal and professional relationships. But you have to actually decide yes, this is what you want. It doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to change as you grow, but first, you have to plant the seed. Once your seedling sprouts you can cultivate your plant however you’d like. There’s a lot out there available to you but making the decision to move towards it is where it begins.

Want to know what those steps might look like for you? Consider checking out my Patreon for the extended version as well as early access to my next pac!

Regardless, if you'd like a free mini-reading to clarify any part of this PAC, feel free to send me an ask with your initials and pile!

PILE 2 (Statue)

Current Energy:

Cards: King of Wands, The Star, The Tower rev, Queen of Wands

I see you showing up as being in a hopeful energy and that good fortune of some kind is coming your way. A good balance of masculine and feminine energy. There’s a sense of resisting something internally, however. A transition of some kind that you're wanting to make. It seems like it could be good for you and a lot of different areas in your life would improve, but what you know or are accustomed to might clash with what you want. However, you have what it takes to succeed. If you were drawn to pile 1, after reading this pile consider checking it out as well.

The cycle that needs to end:

Cards: Eight of Swords, The Devil, Ten of Swords, Knight of Swords

I feel like you’ve got a gloomy inner world. Very melancholy. You’re turning a blind eye to the things that are holding you back and draining your energy. It feels like you almost escape it but it gets you every time. You might not take the best care of yourself mentally or physically. With all the swords it could be a mental thing too and it’s important that you get (professional) help and take those steps (of taking better care of yourself). The cycle that needs to break is you getting stuck in this energy.

What keeps the cycle going:

Cards: Four of Swords, Eight of Cups rev, Ace of Wands rev, Ace of Cups

You don’t rest. You won’t walk away from the things draining your energy. You won’t open up your heart and you won’t do anything with your creative sparks... more or less.

It’s so important that you take a moment to take a good pause and regroup. You could find yourself turning to poor coping mechanisms and that's not good. You can't try to leave a bad situation either if you don’t know what made it bad. You also have to sometimes stick things out. If you tried breaking a habit and it didn't work, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to always have that habit. That’s a bad way of looking at things, and while it’s understandable to feel that way, you still need to work on it. You’re allowed to connect with your emotions and create as well... There's a need to review your plans/goals as well. You can be successful, but may lack the resources to easily be so... that’s also understandable but you can still work with what you do have. You may also lack confidence in you abilities to achieve your goals. You can manifest so many things you want but you have to believe in yourself and open your emotions to be able to connect with the feeling of what you want. It’s easy to say I want XYZ, but if you don’t figure out what that’s going to feel like, then how will you know when you’ve got it? It’s easy to get caught up in material things but the last thing you want is to wake up one day to a life that looks exactly like you wanted it to, only to realize it doesn’t FEEL the way you wanted it to.

What will it take to break the cycle:

Cards: Judgement, The Hierophant, Knight of Wands, Page of Cups

It’s time for you to get it together. Get serious about moving on to the next phase. I feel like it’s all going to work out based on the cards but you really do have to stop holding yourself back. Find a support group. Consider finding creative/artistic ways to express yourself. Step into a leadership role because there’s a good chance you can lend the wisdom you’ve acquired to others… This could be through a social media platform, sharing your writing, attending a local community event, etc. Work on making sure how you’re living aligns with your beliefs and vice versa. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Give yourself your all. I also feel like this is one of those situations where you have to remind yourself that sometimes motivation follows action.

Want to know what those steps might look like for you? Consider checking out my Patreon for the extended version as well as early access to my next PAC!

Regardless, if you'd like a free mini-reading to clarify any part of this PAC, feel free to send me an ask with your initials and pile!

PILE 3 (Broken TV)

Current energy:

Cards: Wheel of fortune, Queen of swords, Queen of pentacles, Two of wands

Your current energy is that you've shifted to a 'really good' energy or you're about to shift to a 'really good' energy. The Magician isn't here but that's kind of the energy I'm picking up on here too. Either being very faithful right now that everything is going to work out for you or that's the energy/mindset that you need to tap into. There are options available to you... You need a plan of some kind. You feel unable to move... unequipped even. Thinking about (or needing to) your long-term future. With the two queens, I think you're leaning into one of the two embodiments of the queen, maybe even both. You might have a hard time seeing yourself as either.

The cycle that needs to be broken:

Cards: The Hanged Man, The Tower, The World, Judgement

The other piles were definitely what I would consider a cycle on a loop that needed breaking but yours feels less like a cycle and more like you're just... stuck. You're ready to or have 'level/ed up', but it's as though you're stuck in limbo. This could be because you've gone through a 'tower moment' recently (say within the last year give or take) that's left you stuck in limbo. Or it could be a fear of having a 'tower moment' that is leaving stuck in limbo. Regardless this cycle is one of you needing to bring something to completion.

What keeps the cycle going:

Cards: Knight of Wands, The Emperor, The Sun, Eight of Pentacles, The Fool

You might be rather impatient. When you do things you may expect to see results immediately...that sense of 'oh, I did this tasks once, why don't I feel better 👀'. It could also be that you might not plan out your goals thoroughly or you may not be very clear on what it is that you want to do/achieve. I feel like since you don't take that moment to strategize and figure out what actually needs to be done, this cycle keeps going. You may just charge forth into whatever you think will bring you happiness. However, this means you can't put in the work required which can bring you back to a place of fear and doubt. This can create anxiety and likely catastrophizing which brings us back to that fear of a 'tower moment'. It could also simply be a case of being too laid back? On the flip side, while it's always good to have faith that things will work out, it's important to remember that a lot of times, you still have to play a role in that.

What will it take to break the cycle: Cards: The Star, Justice, Three of Pentacles, Knight of Cups

Have hope, yes. Dream and believe that good things are meant for you and those good things will find you. BUT, balance that with meaningful/conscious action. You must consider the long term. What is the end goal going to look/feel like? What is the journey of getting there going to take? Some of you already have the knowledge you need while others may still need to acquire it. Regardless, learning and implementation will help break the cycle. You have what it takes, but you have to stay the course. It's also important that you use action rather than simply ideas to motivate you. Fall in love with the act of doing.

I also feel like you should make a love list. I initially thought of that while going my first glance at the cards.

Also, do me a favour and take a nap, please! ✋

Want to know what those steps might look like for you? Consider checking out my Patreon for the extended version as well as early access to my next PAC!

Regardless, if you'd like a free mini-reading to clarify any part of this PAC, feel free to send me an ask with your initials and pile!

PILE 4 (Hammer)

Note: If you're someone who reads what cards were pulled, I mistyped the Seven suit for Current Energy and The Cycle so now that I'm editing, I realised I have no idea which suit the card belonged to hence the (?). Okay, that's all!

Current energy:

Cards: Seven of Swords(?), Queen of Pentacles, Three of Wands

It's time for you to broaden your horizons, however, you currently have to tread carefully. You could currently be job searching or looking for scholarships etc. There's a lot of opportunities available to you or becoming available to you. But you need to be diligent and read the fine print and get the details to make sure you won't be compromised in the process. It's important though that you be able to maintain a balance between your home/personal and academic/career life. You're in an energy of needing to remember to put yourself first.

The cycle that needs to be broken:

Cards: Two of Swords, The Emperor, Page of Swords, Seven of Wands (?)

The cycle that needs to break is one of constantly being at odds with everyone. I feel like you’re constantly bending over backwards or breaking your neck to try and appease others-- and no matter what you do, it’s not enough. I think this might potentially resonate more with those who are academics. When faced with a decision between what will benefit you vs what will benefit someone else, you have a tendency to either not make a decision of choose the option that will benefit someone else instead. This could be because you either live under someone with authority over you (like a caretaker or family) or you're in a position where you feel like you have to take care of others (siblings/family, partner).

I feel as though for some of you it could also be a romantic relationship? I'm not familiar with 'channeling' through music, but find myself doing it a lot lately. The song 'Lifetime' by Livingston just resonated with part of this pile for some reason. When asking if it’s a romantic situation, I got the cards: Eight of Pentacles, The Devil, and Justice rev. I’m also getting 'the right person, but wrong time'.

I think if it's someone with whom you share romantic feelings for, it's a situation where the relationship likely feels imbalanced and like hard work, but you don't feel like you can step away. If that resonated then that could be it. It could also be any unfair relationship dynamic.

What keeps the cycle going:

Cards: The Hanged Man, Ace of Wands, Death, The Moon, Eight of Swords

I think you’re in a cage of your own making, but not because you can’t see. You can see, but what you’re seeing isn’t clear. Because of this, you tend to end up pressing pause on moving forward. There's a lot of creative energy around you... for some, it's that it's a creative field waiting to accept you. However, you're too afraid to actually go for it and give it your all so I think you keep 'pulling the wool' over your own eyes. I think if there are people around you in opposition to you moving forward, you might see it as a convenient excuse to not move forward and transform into the next stage of your life. It's almost like the cycle doesn't need to be a cycle. You know when you're listening to a song and you keep restarting it 'cause you keep getting interrupted? And sometimes it's just you being extra because it wasn't even your favourite part you're just kind of nitpicking? Yeah, same vibe I'm getting here.

If the relationship resonates: I think you may need to let go of (or loosen your hold on) because they could be holding you back to the point they're dragging you down. Things are shifting for you, especially internally. You could be trying to hold it back though, but in doing so you could burn up and out. You’re seeing what really is and maybe you don’t want to. That’s the part that keeps this cycle going. I see images of a phoenix rising too.

What will it take to break the cycle:

Cards: Queen of Wands, The Chariot rev, Judgement, Three of Pentacles, The World, The Lovers

It’s time to use the things you’ve learned. Let go and let the cycle close. Trust that you’ll find love again or that you’ll find inner harmony. Trust that it will all work out in your favour. Take steps, even if it's baby steps to doing whatever it is you want to do. I feel like I said this already in a different pile, but even if you can't make a complete switch yet, start engaging in the things you want to do or eventually pivot too in small steps. You can always research or engage with it as a hobby for the time being. Also finding balance between who you are and how you show up to the world. Remember you have a lot to offer and it's going to do everyone a whole lot more good in the long run, the more authentically you can show up.

Want to know what those steps might look like for you? Consider checking out my Patreon for the extended version as well as early access to my next PAC!

Regardless, if you'd like a free mini-reading to clarify any part of this PAC, feel free to send me an ask with your initials and pile!

#pick a card #pick a pile #pick a card reading #pac reading #pick a picture #pick a pile reading #pac #cozycottagetarot #cozycottagetarot readings #free reading tarot #tarotblr #free tarot

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disruptivevoib · 25 days

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Long Ramble about CCCC and my overall feelings on what the album means and such

Something I find important about CCCC is like.

The fact that all three of them are, in some way, trying.

Heart is emotion, he is prone to himself and being reactionary, in the moment. Prone to the past of learned behavior and trauma. Reactive and rapidly changing. He isn't going to make pure sense because he isn't based in logic or in societal ideals or views. He is an instinctual response to the environment and circumstances. His manipulation is not intentional. He has very little control of himself in the end. Its why Mind talks about claiming to relish entropy yet clearly needing help. But, Heart in earnest wants them to be okay and safe. He believes that Mind's control will drain the life from them. It will make things monotonous and the same. Too much order.

Mind in turn, believes Heart is manipulative with intention. He wants to control Soul or wants to just drag them all down with him into this depressive state. Mind is logic, he is the reasoning out of your emotional instinct. Your inner critique, and when unchecked, that inner critique goes from a guiding hand for your emotion to one that debates and bullies it. Invalidating its responses. Ultimately, though. Mind just believes he is helping. He is doing what must be done and telling the "hard truths" to Heart. And that Heart is being the petty child. Which- I mean. Sort of sure. But Mind is definitely fucking petty and childish. He's stubborn! Prideful! So ofc he is. Admitting you're wrong? No.. why would he EVER do that.. nuh uh.

Which is what makes Light so crucial. Mind asking Heart for help- but also. There is Soul.

Who while ambiguous in purpose, is mostly that background voice. Your inner narration. If Mind is Logic and Reason then Heart is Emotion and Instinct,, Soul is all that lives between it. And he is constantly silenced or spoken over or around. He does not get a word in edgewise until TSE. He may show up in the background occasionally but as much as Heart and Mind claim to want to keep him alive and help him, they also fail to actually acknowledge what he says.

Which is that they both are right and wrong. That this fighting is doing directly what they both feared it would. Soul is desperate by the end. He is angry and resentful because.. well. Self hatred due to intense self awareness and reflection is rather ig. Common. Im not a professional here but from personal experience, you get so tired of rehashing the same shit with yourself over and over. It all feels pointless.

The only out, by the end of it all to Soul is that if they cannot be Whole, whats the point? He is desperate. He does not want to die but he feels theres no other solution.

And. About Whole, Soul throughout the album seems to want that. At the beginning, to be Whole or Harmonious is to be mentally healthy, maybe even "normal" by society's standards. To be able to put a mask over your problems and be, again, "normal". It takes the entire album for Soul to realize that this:

1. isnt possible

And

2. There isn't anything evil or wrong with him for that.

Mental health is a struggle. But you are not evil and should not be othered because you struggle. You also do not need to be fixed for being a little different and people's opinion of you is not what matters most so long as you are happy (and not hurting others. Lol).

Thats what Two Wuv is entirely about as a song. Its a "fuck you. Fuck this! I thought I needed to be this! But I DON'T. Stop telling me who I am! How to be! I'm gonna be me!"

His entire arc is parallel to Heart and Mind's and is crucial in the culmination of becoming yourself again and accepting yourself.

But, as mental health will always be, this period of respite and self acceptance is not always forever. And as life continues or as you lapse back into a depressive episode.. you cannot help but forget what it is like when you're not this way- and hell! Vice versa too! Some people have this disconnect between the periods. Where the things from the depressive state seem dramatic or obtuse to you while you are doing better. And from the other end, you just want to be happy again.. but you get so lost in it all you can struggle to feel like you've ever been happy.

The album is about the human experience. It is about self-sabotage, mental illness, self-hatred and reflection and it is, maybe more importantly about self-acceptance and healing. Having a bit of mercy on yourself. Accepting that you are imperfect and that this is okay. And whatever flaws you may have that need to be mended or worked on, can be. And that who you are, for example, if you are queer, is okay. And no one has the right to take that identity from you! That the internalized ideas of how someone should be are not always correct or right. Not for you, at least. Stuff like that.

#chonnys charming chaos compendium #chonny jash #voidthoughts #i know the album is interpretive!! but i also think it is crucial that we dont pin any one of them down as villains or anything #that like while hms are all flawed and cruel to one another they ultimately are also victims of themselves its #its the like culprit and victim motif #the “you're doing this to yourself and you shouldn't feel you have to do that”#internal communication with yourself. learning kindness and humility and whatnot is very important!!#thats all

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eastsideofthemoon · 3 months

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Celebrating Black History Month

Captain on the Bridge: CAPTAIN MICHAEL BURNHAM

Seasons 4 was our first full season of Michael as captain (finally)! So I'm reflecting on things she did that stood out to me. Also, it's Black History Month! She's our first Black female lead in a Star Trek Series and our first Black female lead captain, played brilliantly by Sonequa Martin-Green.

1. The Queen of Chaotic Ingenuity

Michael is a master of thinking on her feet. If a plan goes awry, she can course correct on the fly (bars). Honestly, we've seen her do this throughout Disco, but as captain, we especially see it in the season opener, Kobayashi Maru, with the Alshain (aka The Butterfly People). When their re-contact mission goes sideways, Michael is able to identify that there is an issue with their navigation and work with her crew to come up with a solution while being chased and shot at.

The Alshain did not report the problem, but by providing them a solution - no strings attached - Captain Burnham was able to win over their trust with the Federation.

2. Collaborator

I love how Michael respects the expertise of her crew and encourages their involvement with problem-solving. Having personally been on teams where collaboration was encouraged, it does a great deal in boosting team morale, building teamwork, and communicating through action that the individual team members' skills and ideas are valued. This is seen best in Anamoly and Stormy Weather. It's also seen with how she suggested to Book that he talk to Dr. Culbert. As a counselor, he's more equipped to manage Book's mental and emotional state after losing Kwejian.

3. Recognizing the needs of her crew

"All In" was one of my favorite episodes this season. The fun, the action, and Owosekun getting to shine. One of my favorite scenes was seeing how Michael responded to Owosekun's outburst with Saru from a previous episode. Instead of choosing to double down with additional punishment or verbal reprimand, she saw an opportunity to allow Owosekun to do more in her service to the mission at hand.

O: Why bring me?

M: Saru told me about what happened at the subspace rift. How you didn't want to stand down when he told you to.

O: I was totally out of bounds. I apologized to him.

M: I know. I also know how it feels to want to do something. Anything. And how it feels when you can't.

Michael recognized Owosekun's actions didn't come from a place of rebellion but a place of wanting to do more to help. Michael found an opportunity to allow her the space to fulfill that desire and utilize that drive.

Also, allowing a place on her ship that provides mental and emotional support for the crew via Dr. Culbert becoming the ship's councilor is the sign of a leader that cares about the whole health of her crew. Yes, I know other captains have had a ship’s counselor. The point it Captain Burnham does too and it deserves recognition.

4. Balancing her heart and duty

Captain Burnham had the challenge of being the supporting partner to the man she loved, who lost his entire home planet while maintaining her commitment to Starfleet. And she did a stellar job. Yes, she loves Book deeply and was willing to do all she could to help him. But when he went rogue, she chose to stay committed to the course of a peaceful first contact, despite it putting her at odds with the love of her life. Furthermore, when she thought Book died (Sonequa gave one of the best performances in Star Trek), she was still able to see the mission through, despite her heartbreak.

5. How she handled the Magistrate

Although empathetic to their plight, Captain Burnham still set clear boundaries with the magistrate about WHO has the authority, what WILL happen while on HER ship, and some food for thought when they arrive to wherever they find refuge. And she didn't have to raise her voice to do it. One's ability to yell at subordinates is not a true show of power and authority.

6. The Beginnings of a Diplomat?

Now we know Michael is a Kirk-type captain. And this season, she does not like politics or politicians. But during season 4, as much as she can’t stand it, we are shown that Captain MB may have the makings of a Diplomat as shown best in All Is Possible and But To Connect.

7. Leading a successful First Contact

Captain Burnham led a first contact like none other. A true first contact with serious stakes riding on its success or failure. After successfully getting through the Galatic Barrier (shout out to Detmer's immaculate piloting) and utilizing her (Michael’s) xenoanthropologic skills to investigate the 10-C's home planet, she along with some of the Federation's best had to figure out how to connect with the 10-C. A truly alien species, where universal translators failed to help with communication and who Starfleet had 0 records of. What makes Captain Burnham stand out is her willingness to step out on faith. She led her team on a mission on the 10-C's home planet to find some form of culture context to aid in their ability to communicate with them. It paid off. It laid the foundation for the first contact team and the USS Discovery crew to help understand how to communicate with the 10-C. Also, it should be noted that Michael admitted to President Rillak that she was angry, but we don't see her anger and frustration run her emotions or hinder her ability to command. I've seen people accuse her of being emotional. There's a difference between emotional intelligence and being emotional.

Also, I admire her recognizing when to take the lead and when to be a team player. As already stated, her calm demeanor and unwavering trust in the crew were excellent in helping them get across the Galatic Barrier. But she also recognized that it was President Rillak's voice that needed to be heard when informing everyone that the DMA moved to the Alpha Quadrant. It takes maturity to know when someone else need to lead and humility to let them lead. All of these actions lead to a successful first contact.

Conclusion:

In closing, Captain Michael Burnham is not the same Michael Burnham we met in season 1. In season 4, she has inner peace. She has a balance with human emotions and her Vulcan-trained logic. She knows who she is and has confidence in herself. Her duty to Starfleet and the Federation is matched with joy in what she's fighting for. Captain Michael Burnham is THE captain of the USS Discovery. No one else.

I want to end with this. There's plenty of room for more than one Black Starfleet captain. We can celebrate Sisko, Burnham, and Freeman in a way that respects them all. There's no need to pit them against each other. They all matter and are important in representing Black people in the future.

Happy Black History Month

#star trek #michael burnham #captain michael burnham #star trek discovery #black history month #bhm #season 4

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petrichormore · 7 months

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daily reminder that q!bbh is not only experiencing psychotic episodes but is also physically wounded, ill, and potentially dying. We also have no idea how that is playing into his decision making. I see a lot of people just kinda disregarding it and acting like q!bbh is making the decisions he’s making in a vacuum of normality, but q!Forever is partially right when he says this isn’t the “real” q!badboyhalo. This is a heavily wounded and ill q!bad whose injuries are already affecting his ability to see color, so what else are they affecting?

Like, it’s not that I think q!Forever is right when he says “I know this isn’t you, I know you’re not yourself” because he’s clearly projecting - q!Bad does not need to be saved or fixed especially by a man who he doesn’t trust but… having q!bbh be in the worst state he’s ever been in isn’t him being in his “truest” state either. And I’ve seen that be said - that this is the true, honest q!bbh and q!forever befriended a facade, a lie, but that’s just. Not accurate at all. The kind-hearted, altruistic, and gentle q!bbh that q!forever befriended is just as real as the one we’re seeing now. It’s just that q!forever befriended q!bbh while he was in a relatively normal (he’s being held captive on murder island after all) state of mind, and now he’s nearing his worst. His absolute worst is not any more his “true self” than his absolute best would be, and I’d argue niether extreme is a particularly accurate reflection.

“This is the real q!bbh: a terrible person.” Maybe he is a terrible person but this isn’t evidence of that, this is just evidence that he’s fucking surviving on a knife’s edge. This is him pushed to the very brink of what he can handle, and then pushed even farther. A person’s lowest moment is not when their “true personality” is revealed or whatever and I’ve never liked that idea to begin with. A person’s lowest moment might reveal an unnatural extreme but that’s like. It. In my opinion, anyway.

The “real” q!bbh is cunning, devious, and ruthless and is also kind, altruistic, and selfless. Those ‘good ones’ aren’t traits he just pretended to have, that’s him in equal measure. I know it’s fun for the demon to be evil or something, but he’s just… not, really. He’s currently sick in ways we don’t fully understand, but from what we do know he’s being drained of color and of sanity so how can someone point at him and say “this is the real q!bbh” no, it’s the worst q!bbh (that we’ve seen). But worst does not equal truest - his thought process and personality are clearly being affected by his lack of sleep, and his declining mental health, and whatever the hell those vultures have done to him.

I don’t know, I just don’t think people are taking his physical appearance, and the fact that he’s straight up gone colorblind and experienced a psychotic break into account enough when discussing what this current arc reveals about him as a person. Any conclusion drawn about his personality should come with a “he’s barely hanging in there are we sure this is an intrinsic personality flaw or just a reaction to a traumatic situation that he would probably never exhibit under any other circumstance that vaguely resembles normal”

#this isn’t about the big stuff like torturing ron cuz obviously q!Bad’s cool with torture. that isn’t something new lmao #this is more about people treating this like it’s his most honest state when he’s actively hallucinating and bleeding a blue substance #from OPEN WOUNDS #one of which is on his HEAD and affecting his EYE #does that not seem relevant to any conversation that might be had about his behavior right now????#hello??????#qsmp #qsmp badboyhalo #qsmp analysis #q!badboyhalo #q!bbh character analysis

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rollercoasterwords · 14 days

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ok personal top 5 least favorite responses 2 lambpost:

1. terfs going ‘woman moment’ -> your politics are rooted in a fundamental reinvestment in the very sex binaries that undergird patriarchal power & your analysis of this post is shallow & mean-spirited. immediate block

2. ‘get therapy LOL’ -> health itself is a social construct as is mental health & therapy is not a neutral institution. your assumption that anything deemed strange/abnormal/uncomfortable must be the result of an emotional state in need of ‘fixing’ indicates a lack of critical self-reflection as to how and within what institutional confines your own ideas about what is ‘normal’ & ‘healthy’ have developed

3. ‘wait is this deep & meaningful or is it weird & horny i can’t tell’ -> your inability to reconcile the fact that the erotic can be meaningful & the grotesque sexual paired with your assumption that art must have a single, fundamental True meaning is tiresome

4. ‘oh yeah well i’m NOT the priest’s favorite sacrificial lamb because i bite & kick & fight back’ etc etc -> ok. why r u on the priest’s favorite sacrificial lamb post then

5. ‘clearly the Actual Meaning of this post is X & anyone interacting w it in a different way is a freak/brain damaged/incapable of critical thought/etc’ -> do u enjoy the pedestal u have built for urself. does it make u feel special.

personal top 5 favorite responses 2 lambpost:

1. this comic by @honeyedheartss -> beautiful & i am always thinking abt it <3

2. these tags by @unclemagnemite -> genuinely a fresh & fun interpretation i had not considered which added something new 2 my own experience of a post i wrote. also very funny

3. people making webweave posts w supernatural & succession characters -> this is what social media is meant for. also ur so right that character is definitely the priest’s favorite sacrificial lamb…

4. this fanart by @penaltyboxboxbox -> idk who that man is or why he’s the favorite sacrificial lamb but i think it’s so cool how his guts r out

5. this comment on tiktok -> let’s all hold hands & become alpha wolfs. together <3

#lambpost #have read so many comments on so many different social media platforms over the past 48 hrs. this is my main takeaway #also 2 be clear not trying 2 say people aren’t allowed 2 be annoying abt lambpost obv that just comes w sharing art…#like yeah u can interpret it & take from it whatever u want. however sometimes i will think it’s annoying lmao #txt

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luna-andra · 2 months

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The Shadows Return | Simon 'Ghost' Riley x OC | Retired AU | Chapter 6: The Cage

Summary: Ghost and Andra's first not-date

Author's note: This chapter was so fun to research and write, I hope you guys enjoy! ✨️

Content Warning: slow burn, eventual smut, 18+, fluff, mentions of mental health

If this is the first time you're seeing this, Chapter 1 is here. You can find the rest on my masterlist!

Word count: ~6k

The ideal way to see Andra bright and early in the morning would be with a smile on her face for once. Ghost was just relieved that he wasn’t the cause of her anger this time. His truck rolled to a stop in front of her house, and he could see her pacing back and forth on her front porch, her phone pressed against her ear. He couldn’t help but smirk at the sight of her in black sportswear, her hair pulled up in a hair tie with spindles of curls flowing from the pony and two free curls framing each side of her face.

She noticed his arrival and gave him a subtle “please wait” gesture to him.

Ghost sat tight in the truck, tapping a finger against the steering wheel nonchalantly. He observed her body language as she strolled down the 3-step landing, taking slow steps to the front of the truck. He wasn’t that good at reading lips, but he didn’t have to be to know that she was saying ‘no’ venomously. Everything else was lost on him, and her voice grew loud enough for him to realize she was yelling in Spanish.

Andra approached the passenger door, her last words being “Good luck figuring it out” before hanging up and slamming the door behind her.

He took the risk of trying to lighten the mood. “Got a habit of slammin’ doors, do we?”

Andra groaned as she scrubbed her clean face with shaky hands. “Sorry, my mom knows how to push my buttons.”

This is the first time he’s heard her talk about her family since they met. “That bad?” He also realized since it’s crack-of-dawn early here for them, it was late over there in the states.

Andra set her phone to vibrate and shoved it into her back pocket. “She tried starting with the whole ‘hi, mija! How are you doing? We miss you!’” her voice went up a few pitches to reflect an imitation of her mother, “And here I am thinking ‘it’s eleven at night over there, why is she calling that late?’ so I let her play her little game until she finally came out with it.”

She took a breath along with a hand gesture as if she’s trying to compose herself in front of her face. “She asked me to help her bail out my cousin Andrew.”

Ghost, focusing on the road, felt hesitant to ask anything about the situation, but he took the bait. “Are you close with your cousin?”

“No!” Andra exclaimed. “I don’t talk to that side of the family because they deal – “ she interrupted herself to omit a bit of information. “They run the streets with the wrong people, and I told her several times before that I couldn’t care less about that side of the family.

“And does she ever bother my brothers with that bullshit? Oh no, never,” she sneered, “Not her precious mijitos.” Andra crossed her arms over her chest and let out a heavy sigh, followed by a sarcastic chuckle. “I’m only family when they need something.”

Ghost sympathized with her, but he didn’t know what to say. What was that part about them dealing? Dealing drugs?

Andra melted into the passenger seat and eyed him. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be dumping this on you when we’re supposed to be having a nice day out.”

All he could do is play it off. “I think I have to draw the line at family baggage.”

A silent snicker had her shoulders bobbing. “That would be my hard limit, too. So tell me now if I have anything crazy to look forward to so we can call it quits now.”

He knew she was joking back, but he couldn’t help but think how she had no clue.

Her head relaxed against the headrest as she looked out the windshield to the morning sunrise melding with the skyline. “I guess I should be thankful that she bothered me early in the morning rather than in the middle of our not-date.”

Ghost shook his head at that with a hidden grin. “That’s one way to look at it.”

“Speaking of, where are we going?” Andra turned to him again.

The truck stopped at the next stop light and took a left, taking them away from Disley and the little civilization they lived nearby. “A park.”

“A park?” she questioned. “We passed up plenty of other parks.”

Ghost eyed her for a quick second before looking back to the road. “This one’s different.”

“Is this a park where notorious killers dump the bodies of their victims? Because that’s the vibe I’m getting.”

He rolled his eyes. “If I was a killer, don’t you think I would’ve done it a long time ago?”

Ghost could feel the grin she was trying to suppress. “That was honestly my first thought when we met.”

“Gee, thanks.”

With the sun only halfway peaked over the horizon, the truck drove down a narrow, one-lane road lined with beech trees shedding their red and yellow leaves. The wind was mild, and with each passing breeze the leaves were picked up in a wistful, arbitrary direction, creating flurries of autumn colors.

Andra looked out the window with a young, whimsy sparkle in her beautiful browns, and the sight of an ancient and well-maintained estate came into view. Ghost wasn’t sure if she even knew that she whispered a ‘whoa,’ but he wouldn’t ruin the moment.

The road split off into two directions, and Ghost made a right turn to the near-empty parking lot.

“The estate is closed until 0900, but the grounds are open to the public to roam about.” Ghost shifted the gear into park and killed the ignition. Behind him, he reached for a small pack that he prepared with a few water bottles and some protein bars in case they were peckish on the trail. “Ready?”

Andra was already opening the passenger door to hop out. “Absolutely.”

From the parking lot, they took the trail that would lead them directly to the front gates of the estate. The weather was mildly cool, but Ghost was wearing a jacket in case he found Andra feeling cold. Her skintight, long sleeve athletic zip up looked thin, but so far on the stroll she was managing.

The front gates to the estate were closed, but a quick cross over the road would lead them onto another trail. Andra observed the castle-like mansion. “Why does this place look familiar? I swear I’ve never been here before.”

Ghost stepped up to her side. “BBC’s Pride & Prejudice was filmed here.”

“No shit.” Her eyebrows shot up. “You watched it?”

He shook his head. “You?”

“Nah, just seen a few minutes here and there when friends would watch it.” Andra turned to continue the trudge along the trail lined with aged half-walls of cobblestone.

Ghost followed in tow. “I figured that would be your type of thing to watch.”

She snorted. “Why, because I read the occasional romance novel?”

“Romance? You read downright smut.”

Her face blazed crimson at his retort. “Jeez, thanks for saying it out into the wind.”

The wind was fresh and crisp every time it blew through the fabric of his balaclava. It had been a while since Ghost had been out on a nature hike, probably since the last time he and the lads went camping. This trumped staying home all day doing annual house upkeep or working out for a few hours.

The manor faded beyond the rolling hills, and further they followed the trail. Ghost knew exactly where this trail would lead them, high up on a hill overlooking Disley.

The silence between them was comfortable, Ghost didn’t feel the need to fill the time with talk. Andra was enthralled with the scenic tour of the countryside. Yet, Andra found herself being disrupted by the occasional vibration from her phone. Alerting her to unwanted messages by the expression darkening her eyes.

“Still getting loving messages from mother dearest?” Ghost assumed.

Her ponytail whipped around as she turned to look at him. “Yeah, at this point I’m realizing I should’ve left my phone in your truck.” Her finger held down the power button, and the phone’s screen went black.

“Did you leave the states to get away from them?” It was not like Ghost to go prying into people’s personal life, but he had always been curious about what brought her all the way over here in his own backyard. Or rather, next door down the road.

Andra slowed down to a sloth’s pace before she sat upon the cobble wall beside the path. “That’s not the entire reason, but it’s some of it.” She looked down at her dusty shoes. “I lost my scholarship. I had a four-year ride to Texas State, and a year in I blew it.

“My mother was pissed.” Andra’s gaze lifted to stare aimlessly amongst the fields of yellowing grass. “Not because I squandered my future, but because she thought she would never get rid of me. She didn’t want a daughter, just boys. And I worked my ass off all throughout school to make sure I had a way to leave home as soon as possible.

“So, when she found out that I was getting kicked out of the dorms, she told me I wasn’t welcome to come back.”

Ghost clenched his jaw. “And your dad? Was he present?”

Andra’s hands rubbed the tops of her thighs as she swung her feet. “He was, but he was completely oblivious to my mother’s vitriol.” Her eyes met his, that sadness he couldn’t bear to see swirling in the mocha of her irises. “My dad was at work the day I came back home, I’m sure if he was there, he would have opened the door for me and asked if I was hungry.”

A flash of his mother’s face manifested in his mind, her kind, ageing face opening the front door to his childhood home to greet him. He couldn’t fathom anything but love from his own mom.

Ghost had to look away from Andra and blew out a breath. “What happened after that?”

“I couch surfed while working multiple jobs.” Andra leaped off the cobble wall. “I got fed up one day, bought a world map, darts and a bottle of tequila,” Ghost shuddered at the mention of tequila, “Got piss drunk, and threw some darts at the map. That part was true, and that’s why I had lousy aim. The other two landed on Australia, and I wasn’t about to move there, scary ass bugs and all. And the other one landed on Russia, and I didn’t feel like learning a new language so Disley, England it was.”

Ghost couldn’t help but be amused by how cliché the decision was. “Safe to say you did good for yourself by moving.” The two of them continued their walk on the trail.

“Oh yeah,” she vehemently agreed. “I got a chance at life again and I don’t have to see my family? Win fucking win.” Her grin fell once more. “I miss my brothers and my dad. But I know Ivan is doing well for himself in the Marines, and Orion will be graduating high school next summer.” Andra’s eyes narrowed to the building in the distance. “What is that?”

Ghost looked at what Andra was questioning. “That’s The Cage.”

“The what now?”

The hill was getting steep, and Ghost noticed how Andra was struggling to trudge up the slope. He took her hand and led her to the smaller stone keep.

The Cage sat atop of the highest hill, looking over groves of shedding trees and endless, quiet pastures for kilometers. The closer they got to the Baroque-styled standalone structure, the louder the wind blistered all around them. A heavy, iron gate locked with chains and a padded lock restricted access to the three-story keep. Iron bars were installed on the first floor windows to keep visitors and vagrants out. And the windows on the floor above are too frosted with age to get a look of the interior of the building. Thin patches of moss speckles over the bricks and archway of the entrance, giving it color and character. The bricks have been discolored by centuries of rain running off its surface.

“It’s a historical landmark, built sometime in the 1500s.” Ghost assisted Andra as they reached a leveled out plain of gravel path, holding onto her hand even while they approached the keep. “It was originally a hunting lodge, and the wives or ladies of nobility would sit inside to watch and observe the hunters nearby.

“It was actually part of a larger structure, but they built this part of it a couple centuries after the original keep was demolished.”

Andra gave Ghost an astonished look. “I didn’t take you for a history buff.”

He laughed. “I took a field trip out here when I was still in primary school. I remember a few of the details from pamphlets we got. We were expected to take an exam on the history of the landmarks, and this one was the more interesting one to me.”

Andra pulled her hand away from Ghosts, leaving an absent sensation in his palm, to touch the withering stone. “1500s you said?” he hummed in response, and she was in awe in a way he wasn’t expecting. “Wholly shit, this might be the oldest piece of architecture I’ve ever seen in person.”

“This is nothing.” Ghost stepped closer until he was a step behind her.

She scoffed. “Yeah, that’s easy to say when your country is over a thousand years old.” Her surprised expression when she turned to face him, hand pressed firm on the wall, told Ghost that she didn’t know how close he was. She had to tilt her head up to meet his eyes.

Ghost fought the urge to place his brawny hand over hers. The air felt thicker than it has all day.

“Should we start heading back?” Ghost suggested. He figured by the time they got back, the estate and other shops were open to the public now; there was so much left he wanted to show her.

Andra nodded and followed Ghost carefully down the steep hill. “I realized something.”

Ghost hummed, “And what is that?”

“I don’t even know your last name.”

It was an innocent inquiry, one that Ghost felt comfortable sharing with her. “It’s Riley.”

Andra made an interested murmur. “Simon ‘Ghost’ Riley.”

She said his name like she it was an answer to one of life’s many questions. His name rolling off her lips made his knees weak. The way she held so much power over him should scare him. His feet began to carry him at a slower pace, walking a few meters behind that swaying ponytail, the breeze carrying the jasmine and vanilla essence that once haunted him.

-----

The estate had groups of people filing into the entrance, and the discomfort was apparent through Ghost’s body language. “It looks like the café is separate from the mansion, let’s hit it up first and get something.”

Andra’s suggestion was a relief. Ghost didn’t feel like bringing attention to the both of them and potentially ruin the experience for her. It would have been less packed if they had shown up on a weekday, but what could he do now?

The gravel crunched beneath their shoes as they approached the café. Andra hesitated, then turned to Ghost, blatantly looking at his masked face in concern.

Before she could say anything, he shook his head. “Don’t worry about me.”

“Are you sure- “

“What do you think I do when I gotta eat on my lunch breaks?” He opened the café’s door, the bell over the threshold chiming to announce their arrival.

Andra didn’t say anything else about it, yet Ghost was moved from her worrying about him. The café barista greeted them warmly, fighting the urge to give Ghost a questionable look. He let them know if they had any questions, they just needed to ask. Andra tilted her head up to look at the menu displayed on the wall. “What are you getting?”

“Just tea.” Ghost answered.

She scoffed. “Typical.” Before he could quip back, she started ordering for the both of them. “I’ll have a flat white and a tea.”

“Cream and sugar for the tea?” the barista asked politely.

Andra looked to Ghost for the answer, and he nodded. “Yes, please.” She chirped.

The barista announced the total, and before Andra could fish her wallet out of her pocket, Ghost handed payment over. He wasn’t about to let her pay for anything today.

A bashful grin crossed her mouth and she muttered a thanks.

With coffee and tea in hand, Ghost led Andra out of the café and chose a table with an opened umbrella shading them from the morning sunlight. Its vinyl material whipped and cracked with the wind. Ghost took the seat giving him the advantage to see anyone passing by and Andra sat directly across from him. She clasped the warm to-go cup in her hands, gauging the temp of the coffee with a gentle sip.

Ghost took the lid off his cup and dunk the tea bag a few times in the milky water and watched Andra’s satisfaction at her hot drink. “You cold?”

She waved her hand in a so-so gesture. “I’ll be fine after the coffee.”

“Here.” Ghost shucked off his jacket, leaving him in his black long sleeve shirt. Andra tried to protest, but stopped after he draped the jacket over her shoulders and returned to his seat. It was too big on her, but she didn’t complain.

Her cheeks went carnation pink. “Thank you.” Her attention turned to their surroundings, observing the other buildings nearby. Ghost took this as a chance to lift his mask up enough to drink his tea, gulping nearly half of the small cup. Shit, it burned going down.

With how Andra’s pupils flared, Ghost knew she was fighting the urge to look his way. Not that she had to; he made the choice to reveal a bit of his face, yet it was endearing. After concealing himself once more, Ghost broke the silence with more questions to ask her, such as what she was majoring in college, which led to her asking if he went to school before joining the military.

“No,” Ghost answered, “We were just required to have high marks on our assessments.”

“Oh.” Andra nodded; her eyes glanced down at her coffee. “In the US you have to complete college in order to be an officer.”

“Is that what you were trying to do?” He continued.

She glanced back up at him once more. “Yeah, I was in their ROTC program and was going to join the army after graduation.”

There was a thick energy around the topic. She was only giving out information that he directly asked her for. “Even though you lost your scholarship, you didn’t want to try enlisting afterwards?”

Her body went rigid, he didn’t know if it was from the cold wind blowing through or from his prodding. “I couldn’t.” A forced, halfhearted grin tried to conceal her sadness.

Ghost wanted to know more, but he was all too familiar with avoiding certain topics. And it probably had been years since she talked about this with anyone. He might be the wrong person to be asking forward questions about her past, but as much mystery as he gave off, so did she. And he wasn’t used to being in the dark about the people in his life.

With another lift of his mask, her eyes darted away, only to look back at him again as he finished off his tea. “There’s a second-hand bookstore nearby, wanna check it out?”

Andra’s eyes brightened. “For sure.”

-----

There was a particular smell about second-hand bookstores that Andra always enjoyed, a scent that she never gets anywhere else. It’s the telltale sign that these books were loved by all different kinds of people, and they were waiting to be taken home to its new owner to take them on a new adventure.

The bookstore was warm and inviting, and so was Ghost’s jacket. Andra had to fight the urge to lean her face into the lapels of the jacket to inhale his scent. Gods, she was a creep. She had done it once when he draped it over her and a second time when he walked ahead to open the door of the bookstore for her.

An orange tabby hopped down from its cat tree and approached the two of them as if to greet them, like it owned the bookstore instead of its owner. It chirped as Andra gave its back a gentle touch, earning her the honor of the cat rubbing itself against her leg. Sammy’s not gonna be happy about smelling cat on her when she gets home.

A woman in her late 30s peered her head from behind one of the many tall shelves with a smile. “Welcome, let me know if you need help finding anything particular.”

“Thank you.” Andra smiled back as she sauntered down the main corridor, scanning the aging labels for each genre.

Ghost followed closely behind her, hands at his sides. He stopped a few inches as he realized she had turned to face him. “I have an idea.”

An eyebrow disappeared beneath the fabric of his balaclava. “Should I be concerned?”

She grinned with an eye roll. “I promise, it’s not painful.”

Ghost stuffed a hand in his pocket. “Alright, I’m listening.”

“Pick a title that you would be interested in reading and I’ll have to read it, and I’ll do the same for your read. Nothing lengthy, something less than… let’s say three hundred pages.”

“That’s not lengthy to you?” Ghost retorted.

“I’ve read thousand-page books before, but I won’t make you endure that. You interested?” Andra rocked back and forth from her heels to her tip toes.

Ghost looked around and nodded his head. “Let’s see what we can find.”

“Great!” Andra left Ghost to search for his own book while she went scouring the store for some ideas.

From non-fiction to culinary, fiction to religion, the bookstore had variety. Andra went looking for the woman running the store, finding her behind the register counter. “Excuse me, do you have any American titles?”

The woman with blonde hair tied up in a bun looked at Andra with a friendly smile. “Yes, miss, it’ll be down that way.” She gestured down to the right of them. “On the lefthand side of the shelves.”

Andra thanked her and made her way to the section. From where she was at, she could see Ghost slowly stalking some shelves, his head was blocking the view of the sign that would have told her what genre he was browsing.

She didn’t know if it was the espresso in the coffee she had or excitement she felt from the day, but her heart warmed with joy. She didn’t expect the day to go the way it had. A walk on beautiful trails, sightseeing historical landmarks, coffee and books. Ghost was laying it thick, and she was eating it up.

It was enough to make her forget the morning call with her mom. Nearly enough. Andra knew she would have to call or message her brother to see if he got the same sob story from mom. It wasn’t a priority, but she hoped Ivan was smart enough not to lend the bail money.

Andra shook the thoughts away as she found the book she was looking for. The Outsiders by S. E. Hinton.

“Find your book?” Ghost’s voice penetrated her focus.

She nearly jumped a few inches off the floor. “Aye dios mio.” Her hand pressed against her racing heart as she took a breath as he chuckled. “Yeah, I found something.”

“Me too.” The book hung at his side in his hand, she could see the title in bold, capitalized letters. The Operators. “Want to exchange now?”

“Sure.” They handed off each other’s book, both a mirroring image of inspecting the cover of the books. His illustrated a man in a ski mask aiming a pistol at an unknown target with a helicopter flying over his head. “The Operators: On the Streets with Britain’s Most Secret Service.” Of course he would pick a book like this.

“The Outsiders?” Ghost turned the book over to read the backside of the book. “Didn’t they make this into a movie?”

Andra nodded. “I’ve read and watched the movie.”

Ghost narrowed his eyes on her. “You chose a book you’ve already read? That’s hardly fair.”

“We’ll call it even since you probably know half of the knowledge in this book.” Andra strolled up to the counter and laid the book gently on the counter, Ghost placing his on top of hers. “And I’ll pick up the bill this time-“

Ghost laid out a twenty-pound banknote, maintaining eye contact with her. “I don’t think so, doll.”

She felt the heat rising in her face, again. “I’m gonna get you back.”

The nice lady witnessing what might be the second most sexual tension they have had between the two of them slid Ghost’s change across the counter and bagged up the books in silence.

“No you won’t.” Ghost picked up his change and the bag, thanking her as he headed towards the front door.

Andra and the woman exchanged glances, the woman telling her get it, girl without ever saying a word. After a polite goodbye, Andra caught up with Ghost.

He was looking at his phone that was blaring an emergency alert alarm quite obnoxiously, and he muttered a curse under his breath. “A severe flood warning has been posted for our area; we better get home before we can’t.”

“Oh shit, yeah let’s go.” Andra was on Ghost’s heel as they both picked up speed to head back to the truck. The clouds were noticeably darker off in the distance, in the direction that they had to go. Wind was blowing fiercer as well, the temperature dropped a couple of degrees during the time Ghost and Andra were inside the bookstore.

Her hair whipped around her face wildly, and Andra almost wished she had a balaclava to keep the chilly air from hitting her face. By the time they arrived at the truck, cold droplets were falling onto the windshield.

The two of them slid into their respective seats, and the engine roared to life as Ghost threw the gear into reverse. Andra was turning her phone back on to check the local weather app to see how close the rain was. Her knee bobbed impatiently as the phone took its sweet time booting back up.

For the first time, Ghost turned on the radio and immediately a broadcast played on the speakers inside the cabin.

“A flash flood warning has been issued in the following areas…” the spokeswoman rattled off several town names, including Disley. “This development is uncommon for this season; we advise our listeners to seek shelter and stay indoors until further notice.”

Once Ghost was out of the parking lot, he punched the gas pedal, sending the truck careening down the road. Andra could see other vehicles behind them; they must have gotten the message as well and are trying to get back home.

“Just our luck, huh.” Andra murmured as her phone completed its boot-up, and opened the weather app. The radar showed a huge wave of orange and red and a small outline of green making its way south to Disley. They were going to definitely be pelted with some heavy rain by the time they get back.

“We’ll get there.” Ghost assured her, taking a sharp right turn onto the main road.

Andra gripped onto the hand rail as her heart leaped into her throat. “Hopefully with all our limbs and blood inside us.”

Ghost shook his head. “You gotta stop listenin’ to Johnny, I’m a good driver.”

“I mean, tell that to the speed trap you busted some tires on but I wasn’t there…” Andra braced herself once more as Ghost braked hard at a stop light.

The rain was pelting the truck hard now, and she was starting to worry about hail coming along with the rain. Did I lock up the chicken coop? Andra started to worry for her animals, going over her morning routine in her head. Yeah, the chickens should be okay, she prepared to be out for a good portion of the day.

Lightning streaked across the sky, earning a gasp out of Andra. It was never the lightning that scared her, it was the boom of thunder afterwards that bothered her. Well, no, that was a lie. She remembered watching her dad take off for work one time in the early hours, the car took off just in time to miss a strike of lightning. It hit the asphalt with a crack, and the thunder was so loud it rocked the house. She could not possibly imagine what could have happened if her dad hadn’t started driving away at that very moment. So yeah, lightning bothered her, but the thunder was worse, even at her adult age.

Andra started to recognize where they were through the torrential downpour as the windshield wipers worked double time to keep the view clear for Ghost. He took the turn onto Middleton Lane, their shared street. A breath of relief left the both of them as they realized the road wasn’t flooded nor blocked off by any debris. Ghost turned into her driveway, and got as close as he could to the front of the house without ruining any of her flowers.

As Andra was taking off his jacket, Ghost stopped her. “Give it back to me the next time we see each other.”

Andra beamed a smile at him. “You’re already sure that there will be a next time?”

His eyes crinkled at the corners; a smile was beneath that skull pattern. “If you’ll allow me.”

Another flash of lightning had Andra flinching. She pulled the jacket back onto her and lifted the hood. “Shoot me a message or a call when you get inside.”

Ghost grunted in agreement before she opened the passenger door and made a run for the covered porch, making it inside with minimal moisture. She watched the truck reverse and turn around, driving down into the brutal rain.

Andra closed the door, and a boom louder than just the thunder rocked the house. She fell to her knees and covered her head with a scream. Sammy ran up to her and licked her hands covering her head in a frenzy; she was just as afraid of the unforgiving weather outside those walls.

Andra gave Sammy loving rubs. “Poor baby, I know you need to go outside.” Sammy licked her face before Andra got back up onto her feet, heading to the kitchen storage to see if she still had leftover puppy pads. Thank gods, she saved them. Andra put a few down by the back door, and Sammy whined. “It’s just in case if you can’t wait, once the rain lets up, I’ll let you out babygirl.”

A heavy knock at her front door made her want to jump out of her skin. She could see the top of Ghost’s masked head through the frosted glass of the door. Quickly, she went to go open it and let him in. “Everything okay?”

Ghost was soaked. His long-sleeve shirt clung to his skin, leaving nothing to the imagination, and a black backpack was slung over his shoulder. “That loud bang you heard was a tree falling in the middle of the road. I tried to see if I could hook it up to the truck, but there’s no getting it out of the way by myself.”

“Shit…” Andra closed the door. “Well, obviously I don’t mind you crashing for the night here.” Ghost didn’t respond to that, and the air grew thick. “I have a spare bedroom upstairs; the couch also has a pullout bed so you have options.”

“I’ll stay down here.” Ghost declared.

Andra realized she was making him stand there with dripping wet clothes. “Oh my gods! Y-you can go ahead and use the downstairs bathroom to dry off.” She led him to the bathroom, forgetting that he already knew where it was. “It’s stocked with towels and everything else.” She assumed his bag had clothes in them, like an emergency bag she had stashed in her truck as well. Great minds think alike.

“Thank you, I won’t be long.” Ghost shut the bathroom door behind him, and Andra darted upstairs to her own bedroom. With the door closed behind her, she felt her heart racing in her chest.

Ghost is staying overnight.

-----

Any interaction with my story is always appreciated! Thank you if you've made it to the end of this chapter 🖤

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tdalejandro · 7 months

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Hey. Serious post. Trigger warning for sexualization of minors.

Yes. This is about Scepterno. Of course it's about Scepterno. I am not going to censor his name, because everyone should know what is going on with him.

He has responded to my post about him, where I said he was actively talking about Alenoah nsfw. I am going to respond to that.

Let's talk!

"i have seen the Posts and im laughing very hard HAHAH not only is Noah a fictional character, he is canonically 19 in the show. and is around my age. even if he werent.... i dont care. cuz he's fake. i can do whatever i want to him because hes not real. yall need to go outside and find some real problems to talk about. this is just plain sad !!!"

This is a serious issue. You want to know why? Because it has been proven multiple times that fiction DOES in fact affect reality. This is a very serious issue. The Total Drama Fandom has a lot of kids in it. Total Drama is a show for children. Children can find your very public blog, see you talking on public about alenoah nsfw, and they will normalize it. You wanna know how I know this? Because I've experienced this myself! Children stumble upon things that they're not supposed to see! You are coming into a space that is filled with minors, because this is a TV show for CHILDREN, and you are talking about these minors characters in a way that is messed up. I am scared for the minors that will see your post.

"PLEASE. guys. please. grow up. im begging you to stop worrying about the imaginary rights of FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. genuinely. for you own mental health. please find real issues to worry about in life. have fun. stop torturing yourself with drama that doesnt matter. at all. youre going to make fandom an absolutely miserable place if all you do is scream and tantrum over what other people do with what are essentially TOYS"

I am worried about the the fucking children. About the VERY REAL children. And you know what? "Stop torturing yourself with drama that doesnt matter." Then why even address it in the first place? If it doesn't matter, why make a long angry post about it? Fandom is supposed to be a fun place. Fandom is supposed to be where you go and talk about your favorite show and post little things that you think about the media. Me "screaming" and throwing a "tantrum" is because you are coming into this space and making it a nasty place to be. Minors are not safe with you in the space.

"you do not care about morality you care about getting attention and feeling more powerful by bringing others down."

Here's my take. People have immoral thoughts about things. That's part of being human. But when you act on said thoughts, and post about it on the internet on your very public blog where everyone can see when they look you up, and you don't even have it tagged or anywhere stated on your blog that you don't want minors following, that's the part that I am shaming. There is something wrong with you for you to post something like that, and not even try to hide it from minor's eyes. I care about the people in this fandom. I am trying to keep people safe from people like you.

And now, the tags.

"I draw [noah] short because size difference is sexy and noah has short king energy."

Height headcanons are fine. But the fact that you are brining size difference into this? A kink? Yes, you are an adult, I'm a fucking adult. We have things that we are into, but you bringing it into this space where children are, that's where the problem is. You are not tagging it, you are posting it on your very popular and public account, where I do not doubt for a second that minors follow you.

"I want you to really self reflect on why your so quick to see a gay man and call him a predator"

I DIDNT EVEN FUCKING KNOW YOU WERE GAY.

I am gay myself. I am not calling your a predator for you being gay. I NEVER FUCKING SAID THAT. I am calling you a creep for fucking talking about alenoah nsfw! I am calling you a creep for drawing nsfw of minors! I am calling you a creep for drawing incest art! Using this "It's because I'm gay" defense, it doesn't fucking make sense! No where have I ever said you're weird because you're gay. You are a fucking creep for talking about alenoah like that.

I am begging everyone to unfollow, block, and get this person off the platform. They are not welcomed here.

#total drama #td alejandro #td noah

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just-late-roman-republic-things · 6 months

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I sometimes hear Octavian, especially young Octavian, described as like sickly, thin, on the shorter end, and blonde-haired. So I was wondering, do we have any reliable/contemporary physical descriptions of Augustus? And how do they compare to Agrippa, who I kind of imagine as taller/broader and more muscular (at least, based on the statues I’ve seen)?

When they stood next to each other, I wonder of the impression people got 😭

The only contemporary description I know comes from Nicolaus of Damascus, who personally knew Augustus, Agrippa and Mark Antony. He describes Augustus as very handsome as a young man, easygoing and a bit shy, and prone to getting sick.

Nicolaus is biased in Augustus' favor, and is clearly exaggerating how charming and attractive he must've been. But Augustus does seem to have been a bit of a prettyboy, based on Mark Antony's mocking insults. Cicero's letters support the image of Augustus as generally polite and friendly, though later events suggest Augustus was also a hell of a good liar...Many sources corroborate Augustus' poor health.

A few fragments of Augustus' letters have been preserved. From those, we know that he tended to skip meals, didn't enjoy rich food or a lot of wine, exercised often and walked most places, and was something of a workaholic. So he was probably on the slender side all his life.

Augustus' statues and coins are notoriously idealized; the man would've been all over Botox if it'd been invented. But even on the coins sharing his image with Mark Antony or Agrippa, he has more delicate features, so the statues probably do reflect how he looked as a young man.

Antony (left) and Augustus

Augustus (left) and Agrippa

A rare portrait of Augustus with visible wrinkles, ca. 20-30 CE, Louvre

Augustus probably had light brown/dark blond hair, and brown eyes, based on pigment fragments found on his statues. Suetonius calls his hair subflavum, "blond-ish" or "dark blond." Here's a reconstruction of the Prima Porta that makes the hair a bit too dark, in my opinion:

Suetonius gives us the most extensive description of Augustus about 100 years later. He agrees with the points stated above, and adds that Augustus was short (under 170cm) and had "a complexion between dark and fair." He also talks about what Augustus looked like as an older man (blemished teeth, thick eyebrows, a weak left leg). And Suetonius claims Augustus had a birthmark shaped like the Big Dipper...which should remind you that this is the same biographer who thinks one of Julius Caesar's trumpets got stolen by a ghost. Yeah.

Agrippa's portraits are more realistic than those of Augustus, and show noticeable aging over time. He does seem to have had a more square jaw and stockier build.

Agrippa probably was taller and stronger than Augustus - but then, most dudes are. Hell, I'm pretty sure my Pomeranian could take Augustus in a fight.

That said, Agrippa may have had a disability of his own. Pliny the Elder alludes to a limp (or other weakness in his legs) in childhood, and it's not clear whether Agrippa grew out of it or not. Agrippa also had a lot of pain in his feet later in life. Pliny the Elder has a lot of errors, but his notes on Agrippa's life are usually reliable, since he had access to Agrippa's memoirs. That's all I know about Agrippa's appearance.

I think a lot of our mental images of Augustus, Agrippa and Antony come from how Augustus and Antony played up their contrasts. Augustus modeled his image after Apollo, and thus with the arts, knowledge, law and civilization. Antony likened himself to Dionysus: loud, joyous, gregarious, irrepressible, emotional. Agrippa's story in turn is often contrasted with Augustus again, to the point that people sometimes diminish Augustus' abilities. Even I call him a sun-sensitive twink in platform shoes - which he was.

Real people are more complex than archetypes, though. Antony happily joined philosophy classes in Greece; Augustus slowly got better at managing military campaigns on his own; Agrippa really was brilliant and loyal, but he also benefited from the proscriptions and was buddies with Herod. I love it when stories embrace historical figures' complexity, and let us grapple with messy feelings about them.

#just roman asks #marcus agrippa #octavian #mark antony #jlrrt essays

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illegiblewords · 5 months

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SOME ILLEGIBLE RAMBLES AND REFLECTIONS: ON GALE AND MYSTRA

I've been on the fence about whether to make this analysis specifically, but after seeing a few other discussions floating around figure it's worth offering another viewpoint in case it resonates.

These analyses in particular are very subjective and offer an interpretive option more than anything. I might allude to discussions I've seen elsewhere that I have different views from, but different views don't automatically mean personal dislike for me. Life would be boring if we all thought the same way, you know? Anyway. Hugeass post ahead, proceed at your own risk lol.

One of the arguments I've seen cropping up recently is the idea that romance between gods and mortals is inherently unequal, abusive, and problematic. I am very much of the mind that Mystra abused Gale. The developers at Larian have stated that every companion in Baldur's Gate 3 is a victim of abuse in some capacity. Some of my favorite romances over the years have been between gods and mortals. Mystra/Gale is not one of those. I think blaming the divine/mortal dynamic for any abuse misses the point. Moreover, it absolves Mystra of a huge amount of personal responsibility in the abuse she committed. I think it makes the abuse focus on what she is rather than who she is, how she looks at others, and how she treats others. I reflected on the divine/mortal pairings I've enjoyed compared to the dynamic between Gale and Mystra. In every divine/mortal romance I've loved, the god found wonder and saw a kind of power they lack in their mortal partner. This power stems directly from their mortality. There are experiences and perspectives specific to being mortal that are invaluable. The god doesn't relate to those experiences and perspectives the same way. The god always needs not only humility but equal respect for their mortal partner in some capacity. Additionally, the god acknowledges that being divine does not equate to omniscience. This is not a god according to the monotheistic definition. It's closer to an immortal being who excels in a very specific area and has certain responsibilities weighing on them. The god sees the forest but may no longer see trees, while the mortal sees trees but may not see the forest. There is value in what is ephemeral and fragile, just as there is value in what is permanent. The god and mortal need to bring balance to one another in the sense that the god helps the mortal find comfort in a bigger picture while the mortal reminds the god what it feels like to be small, vulnerable, and intimately connected to the world/other lives. A healthy divine/mortal romance requires recognition of multiple forms of strength, intelligence, and value. That very, very much is not what Gale and Mystra had. Another layer to the 'divine/mortal romance is always problematic' argument ties to questions of power imbalance. I would argue that even among human beings--power imbalance always exists. Human beings are not identical or interchangeable with one another. One partner might be brilliant at math and runs finances where the other partner would be lost. The other partner might be brilliant at people and can navigate social situations the mathematician would feel helpless in. One partner may be physically larger or stronger than another. The other partner has the full weight of social/legal support in most conflicts. And this isn't touching on issues relating to mental health, physical health, economic stability, societal issues, etc. People are multifaceted. None of us excel at all things, find power in all things, or suffer all things. We each have our own pains and triumphs. We each have the ability to hurt each other if we want to. If we wanted to avoid any power imbalance in favor of 1:1 equality, the only answer we'd have would be to literally romance ourselves . And that's 1) narcissism 2) lonely 3) sad. Just ask Raphael.

But unhealthy power imbalances must exist, right? And there is a horrible power imbalance between Gale and Mystra. I would just argue it has more to do with them personally than because of Mystra being a goddess. I'd argue that we should be looking at Gale and Mystra not as mortal and god or man and woman, but as people above all else with their own experiences/motives driving choices throughout the relationship. Examine the ways they look at and treat each other versus themselves. If Mystra was the mortal and Gale was the god, if Mystra was a man and Gale was a woman, I would not change my stance regarding where abuse was committed. Imo people get too caught up trying to make sweeping generalizations instead of focusing on the individuals and how they specifically interact. This in-mind, what are some examples of unhealthy power imbalance as I define it?

A character is physically and/or mentally incapable of participating with proper awareness of the situation, as a partner with equal respect and sway within the relationship.

A character is dependent upon the prospective partner for survival and cannot refuse them without fear of retribution or withholding necessities to survival.

A character is being systematically isolated and made dependent on their partner for all socialization and self-worth.

And so on. Hopefully you get the gist. What I do want to draw attention to though is that these examples offer room to include a variety of circumstances or dynamics within their umbrella. Ex. An underage character with an adult would easily qualify for the first criteria, but an extremely, non-functioningly drunk character would also count. So lets have a look at Gale and Mystra's situation in particular again.

Gale has, by his own admission, been involved with the Weave for as long as he can remember. He sees Mystra as synonymous with the Weave, and with magic. These are things he explicitly states within the game. Gale also has notable reactions to say, saving Arabella from being killed over the idol of Silvanus or Mirkon from harpies. With Arabella especially, the idea of being treated as unforgivable or deserving death for a youthful mistake is something he talks about as if he has some experience with it. And while this is a video game with limited character models, I'm going to estimate that the tiefling kids are probably somewhere between nine and thirteen. We know Gale has been stuck largely alone in his tower with the orb for a year or so. The orb specifically is something that happened when he was an adult, but the way he talks about Arabella with implicit personal identification of facing older authority figures as a young person who didn't know better... I don't think this is the orb alone troubling him. Minsc also has a dialogue option where he talks about how in Rashemen, boys with an affinity for the Weave were hidden away and he suspects it was to keep them from being preyed on by Mystra. Not men, boys. I've seen people try to argue that Mystra would have been indisposed/dead and unable to take advantage of Gale when he was a kid due to the broader Forgotten Realms timeline. I'm inclined to say in this instance, with all evidence in the narrative pointing to a particular arc and theme for Gale and Mystra's relationship, it's more likely that the timeline was something Larian chose to fudge in the interest of storytelling opportunities. The alternative would be that none of those dialogue exchanges meant anything. The narrative is weakened if those moments are made meaningless, and the characters become flatter and less credible without them too. If it comes between trivia and the emotional core of a story, I'd argue the core wins. Gale claims to have slept with other people before Mystra, but that a romanced character is the first person he's slept with after her. I personally suspect it wasn't a lot of prior experience, and he was pretty young when his romance with Mystra began. Additionally, while it's pure conjecture on my part--given how Gale reacts to the tiefling kids it would make sense to me if Mystra started grooming him when he was between nine and thirteen years old. Other people have shared analysis pointing to evidence that Gale unknowingly dual-classed and was a storm sorcerer originally, but was told he was purely a wizard and then had all of his sorcerous abilities eaten by the orb without ever knowing they existed. I do think it makes sense for Mystra to influence Gale as a potentially very powerful sorcerer this way to 1) get him to self-limit through wizard spells so he's easier to predict and control 2) be completely dependent on and devoted to her, starting as early as possible. (For the curious, sorcerer Gale theory is here and here. Very well-done imo!) In any case, Mystra absolutely has personal motive to do what she did, that has nothing to do with Gale personally. That it turned into grooming for a sexual relationship isn't a huge leap in light of her apparent mindset either. But lets take a moment to review that.

This is a really good recap setting up Mystra's situation. Karsus too, by the by. This second video here helps explain Mystra's own situation. My understanding is like this:

Mystryl was the original goddess of magic. Mystryl was a born-goddess rather than an ascended mortal goddess, which is important to note because both exist in the Forgotten Realms. Mystryl was neutral alignment. The Weave, magic, and those casting magic all tied into her divine portfolio. Divine portfolios reflect deities' jurisdictions and callings, which empowers them through use in the world as well as mortal worship. With all this in-mind, naturally it benefited Mystryl to encourage experimentation, devotion, and arcane ambition. The more spellcasters pushed the limits of magic, the more powerful Mystryl became too. This was when the Empire of Netheril came about, with its floating cities and its magocracies. Worth noting, eleventh level spells were being used at this point in time. Cue a bunch of aberrations showing up, called phaerimm. Cosmic horror monstrosities that sort of looked like if you combined grubs and lampreys then made them way too big. On the one hand they were ridiculously powerful natural spellcasters themselves. On the other, they could straight up detect, deflect, and eat magic at will. Incidentally they were also extremely hostile to other life forms. So them existing at the same time as Netheril caused some massive problems. The wizard empire was at war, struggling, and panicking. Karsus was a prodigy and the one most people were turning to for protection at the time. Karsus decided the best way to solve the problem was to become a god himself using the first and only twelfth level spell (of his own design) then get rid of the phaerimm that way. The spell specifically required the caster to replace a god of their choice. Karsus, being a wizard, thought Mystryl was the strongest divine force of all time and chose her. The first video explained very well, but it basically sounds like as a born-goddess--maintaining the Weave was essentially an autonomic process for Mystryl. Basically required as much thought as beating your own heart. It wasn't like that for Karsus. Karsus might have been the best wizard in the sense that someone might be the best marathon runner of all time, but if you take that marathon runner and then tell them they have to pump their heart manually from now on they're not just going to lose any future races they attempt--they might just die on the spot. Which is kind of what happened to Karsus. Karsus became a god of ambition along with magic, then lost his divinity to become a Great Old One instead. These days he's a stone stained in the gore of his dead people who speaks in fountains of blood. (One of the reasons I'm not enabling Gale in his quest to become god of magic, by-the-by.) Mystryl died because of Karsus's spell. Mystryl probably hadn't considered mortals, let alone the wizards who gave her so much power as a goddess, a threat to her personally before. An incarnation of Mystra (not Gale's Mystra) was born from the ashes of Mystryl to become the new goddess of magic. One of the first things Mystra does after basically reincarnating from Mystryl is ban mortals from using magic at level ten or higher. Mystra is now aware that mortals can challenge the gods and straight up kill her personally. She still needs casters using magic at high level to empower herself as a goddess, but it's a double-edged sword that can absolutely kill her. And to make matters worse... this Mystra also gets killed later. The Mystra we have now was a mortal woman (Midnight) who kept Mystra's name to avoid confusing worshippers, who'd been chosen by Mystra previously and ascended into that role. Midnight-Mystra, from the sound of it, also got killed for a bit and had to get saved by Elminster.

Like I said before, I do think there were some timeline blips going on for Mystra with Baldur's Gate 3. As long as she's died and reincarnated twice, her psychological state is cemented. How long it took her to come back and whether there were even more deaths than that is less important. I'd argue the key ideas we're supposed to take away about Mystra from this are that she is a goddess who 1) at this point is an ascended mortal who may have certain inherited memories or experiences from born-deities 2) is hyper aware that mortals can kill her 3) has been killed and reborn multiple times, not just by mortals but the very wizards she draws power from.

This is absolutely a shitty situation. It makes sense Mystra has complexes around it. It makes sense Midnight-Mystra would feel especially afraid when it comes to wizards seeing as she herself is a former mortal, so her position likely feels even more tenuous. The way she interacts with wizards and relates to her own position as a goddess is not as someone secure in her own power, but someone who sees anyone coming close to her level as a direct threat to her life. She needs casters to be strong to fuel her portfolio, but if they're too strong they can challenge her. So she is using whatever tools at her disposal to keep them beneath her while maintaining her own strength. It's also worth remembering that Mystra has no pretense of being good-alignment. Her motive in confronting the Netherbrain wasn't to protect Toril from mindflayers, but to protect herself personally from the Crown of Karsus and protect the Weave from the Karsic Weave. If magic as a force is in danger (as per the Karsic Weave) she might try to do something, but what befalls mortals is irrelevant to her. I'd argue she's 1000% acting out of self-interest for Baldur's Gate 3. And again--it makes sense given her position. It makes sense given the track record for gods in the Forgotten Realms.

So, if we go with the in-game implications that Mystra is supposed to have been active across Gale's life and was active when Minsc was running around a century ago (referenced in his comments about Rashemen protecting boys from Mystra)... what kind of relationship has Mystra built with wizards in particular? This is heavy speculation here but I'm going off of Gale's experience, Elminster's behavior, a point of notable cattiness from Lorroakan, and Mystra's motives.

I think Mystra encourages wizards to compete for her favor, both through their arcane power and on a personal level. She encompasses their entire world and dictates everything they are capable of by holding the Weave in her portfolio. Casters are nothing without her. She is fickle in her attentions, moving between wizard paramours and chosen so they constantly feel the need to prove themselves worthy of her love. As their goddess, they have no room to question her or ask for loyalty born of personal affection. Mystra does not care. She is inherently more than they are and ever will be, and unless they have something to woo her through her portfolio specifically there is no reason for her to stick around. They're lucky she gives them the time of day. Even if she can't literally, physically, personally prevent a wizard from interacting with the Weave--she can seriously screw with them while they do. Mystra's first post-Mystryl act was to blanket-limit the spells wizards could perform, remember? And BG3 Mystra was able to pluck the orb from Gale's chest at any time, whenever she felt like it. She just didn't. Lifetimes of work, dedication, study, and innovation are not ultimately credited to the casters who built themselves through their art but to Mystra. Memorized spells, arcane gestures, the interaction of components. She can make all of that so much harder. And she takes credit for any advancement a wizard makes. Origin Gale has lines with Minthara where he struggles to see himself as capable of anything without Mystra's say-so and needs to be reminded that she can't claim everything he has ever done through magic, and she hasn't managed to stop him yet. The fact that Gale himself, as Mystra's former lover, doesn't believe this initially and needs someone who very much is not a wizard to remind him says a lot about the dynamic Mystra set up with him and (in all likelihood) other wizards. So how does all of this fit in with the grooming point? Well, magic users are going to be much easier to psychologically control if Mystra starts taking advantage of them when they're still children and don't know any better. She needs to feed off of their strength with no risk to herself, so she needs to make sure they are can't even fathom turning on her. Maximize the power difference, ingrain that shit early. And if it becomes a sexual relationship... Mystra can tell herself they're even less likely to consider turning on her because it's just one more way they depend on her for validation.

Mystra's own fear and trauma (like Cazador's) does not prevent her from becoming an abuser. And like Cazador, she's using it to fuel the abuse she commits herself.

Something else I want to highlight before I segue to focus on Gale further, is how wizards deal with each other and why policy differs toward wizards versus other casters.

Wizards are nerds with shared interests. They're fucking around to see what's possible with magic and seem genuinely excited when anyone innovates. Innovation is something they can learn from and incorporate it into their own art. But actual wizard friendships, at least in Baldur's Gate 3, seem to be rare. They undercut each other emotionally and often look for ways to elevate themselves above their peers. Gale's colleagues left him to twist alone in his tower for a year. Elminster prioritizes pleasing Mystra by passing on her message for Gale to kill himself, and defends her if the player condemns Mystra's behavior. He even gets angry for certain dialogue options.

(It bears saying, I think Elminster has been psychologically wrecked by Mystra too. He does seem to be trying in spite of that but guy's not well himself.)

Even if not all wizards look to become romantically entangled with Mystra, Mystra has definitely encouraged competition and mistrust between them. After all, if the wizards supported each other they might realize they're stronger than her and that she's been causing harm. Another potential death.

I suspect the reason Mystra focuses on wizards is because wizards are ordinary people who know they were born ordinary, and know how hard it was to build arcane power. They aren't as secure in themselves as sorcerers who use magic like a reflex. And warlocks manage to work around Mystra with patrons who aren't beholden to her. So best for Mystra to undermine, manipulate, or otherwise occupy sorcerers who are strong enough to pose threats and teach the wizards they'd be nothing without her.

... One of the other arguments I saw recently was that Gale was being disingenuous/lying to himself and the player when he claims he wanted to gift Mystra a part of herself back. That he only wants power for power's sake, is kind of a terrible person, and it would be boring if he was being genuine. I deeply disagree with this stance.

When it comes to motivation, I'd argue power is by nature a means to an end rather than the end itself. "If I'm powerful enough no one will be able to hurt me again," "If I'm powerful enough I can fix every terrible thing I feel the need to," "If I'm powerful enough I can push the boundaries of what is possible and find a sense of wonder at the results."

Power because power does not cut it as a motive. It's likewise with ambition. We're not 2-D mustache twirlers here.

Ambition includes experimenting with a project to see if you can pull off something new or particularly difficult. Finding joy in the process and challenge itself isn't evil. It isn't even unhealthy.

Competing with others isn't necessarily negative either, in the right context. Being an elite athlete at the Olympics for example, you're putting your own skills against those around you in the hopes of surpassing them. It doesn't mean you think poorly of your fellow competitors. If anything, one would hope you respect them deeply for the shared discipline and passion. (But you still want to win, course. ;P)

If you read my post about DnD's pantheon, it's pretty clear I'm not opposed to the idea of A. firing gods from positions they're neglecting or B. nominating others to oversee necessary-but-unused portfolios. There are established gods of the Forgotten Realms who need, urgently, to be sacked. Being born into divinity, set up through nepotism, or 'elected by seniority' is not enough to shield a deity from my judgment. Mystra is abusing her worshippers, and while her portfolio might be able to squeak by I'd argue she's been compromised and is committing unprofessional and detrimental behavior in her capacity as goddess of magic. ESPECIALLY knowing she's like this as an ascended mortal. Any other mortal would be well within moral bounds to replace her. She has no ethical high ground in that regard. Managing autonomic maintenance of the Weave is an issue, but if someone showed up to replace her with the argument that Mystra is unfit due to committing abuse... I don't think that person would be morally wrong. Ballsy as hell, but not wrong.

So what's going on with Gale?

Gale canonically, in dialogue, thinks he and the world might both be better off if he was dead. I'll go a step further and argue that before the game even starts Gale considers his personal self a net-negative. If he isn't offsetting that with magical skill, knowledge, achievements, material possessions, and overall usefulness--he doesn't think he has a reason to be alive. The universe is worse for his existing in it.

Gale brags because he's trying to show he has something of value to give other people when he sees nothing of value in himself. He's trying to prove he can be an asset so others will keep him around. He brags notably less as he gains a sense of self-worth, self-confidence, and general support as acts progress. The times he gets snippy with other casters are because if he isn't the only and most useful magic guy to get something done, Gale thinks he might as well be thrown away. He is replaceable. He's also terrified to admit anything about the orb in Act I because there is no way to see it as anything but a danger and a burden. When that's added to his depression, he's sure he'll get abandoned in the wilderness to explode by himself and it might even serve him right. No one will mourn him. They might even be glad to be rid of the burden he brought.

Gale wants others to like him, to see him as a good person, to see him as someone brave and smart and worthy of trust. He absolutely does not see himself that way. If he's trying to prove it to the party--he's trying to prove it to himself just as much. There's a line he can give with The Dark Urge where he comments that if people are being killed just for being annoying, he should be dead a thousand times over. If you get solid approval with him at the tiefling party, he'll admit he didn't have any friends before the game. And while I can only speak to a particular romantic route, in Act III he talks about having been told to his face at various points/in various ways that he's insufferable. He knows other people don't like him and don't believe in him. If bad things happen to him they probably think he deserves it. He might even think so too.

Gale doesn't see anything worthwhile in himself that isn't built through wizardry. It has to be because he was smart enough, worked hard enough, and showed enough character to earn his power. If it's sorcery (and this is only a standard he applies to himself) then all that effort he put in would become meaningless. He can't look at his personal self as having done anything deserving of value or respect if he's a sorcerer because magic was easier for him than other people. And if he can't provide any magic, knowledge, or resources at all then no one has reason to give him the time of day. People hate him. Mystra only paid attention for his abilities as a spellcaster. The mortal, personal aspects of him were things she put up with.

So forget power and ambition for just a moment. What does Gale as a person in that position, who feels that way about himself, actually want? I'd argue that he probably just wanted to know the person he loved most actually gave a shit about him as a person. That he wasn't disposable or only worth as much as his skills and material possessions. I'm pretty sure he'd have wanted that regardless of whether Mystra was a goddess. Mystra both being the kind of goddess she was and the kind of person she was kept telling him he should be satisfied, that he shouldn't want any more than she was giving him. He can't climb any higher than her. No one can give him more than her. She is divine, she is the world itself. Gale never felt loved in that relationship. Due to Mystra's abuse he got to a place where the idea of wanting to be loved back became sacrilegious. It meant there was something wrong with him, that he was arrogant and insatiable. How else could he feel utterly alone and unlovable with a goddess?

Gale desperately wanted to mean something to Mystra personally, so he tried to offer a gesture of love in her language. Something he thought would be valuable to her as an individual and something requiring a ton of arcane skill/strength to deliver. He wanted her to look at him like he was irreplaceable as a person. I genuinely don't think that's a power-hungry or ambitious thing to want.

Gale didn't understand the orb, and unfortunately for him he didn't understand Mystra either. She wasn't the wise and understanding goddess he thought she was. She never wanted an equal. She does not have it in her to love someone as such. The idea of equality, for Mystra, is something that must be crushed to preserve herself.

I figure that the Gale who ascends to godhood has accumulated a divine amount of stuff and power to compensate for his belief that lacking those things, he would be worthless. If Gale wasn't a wizard it might have been music, or writing, or fighting, or politics--any skill, influence, or resource could be used the same way. It’s not that ambition is inherently bad. It’s that for Gale, it’s unhealthy. The ambition isn’t for its own sake. He’s using it as a counterweight against his own sense of worthlessness. God Gale buries his problems instead of dealing with them. He will never know if a character who romances him only did so because they saw his potential and wanted to come along for the ride. He will never know if they'd have bothered to stick around if he was only Gale Dekarios, if he didn't have so much to offer them. He tells himself it's enough that they believed he could do it.

With the mortal Gale ending, we should note that Gale doesn’t need power to enjoy the study of magic if he’s healthy. His priority isn’t about pushing the limits of spells, making new ones, or making a name for himself. Given room to decide for himself, he just wants to uplift and share with others through teaching. His trends in approval and disapproval support this preference too.

For Gale, I really think ambition and power are crutches he uses to justify being alive because he doesn't see any other reason. Give him a reason and he genuinely doesn't need them. They're the means, not the end. He does not want power for the sake of power. Guy is sad and doesn't know how to live with himself. He's not a worse or less believable character with that being his motive. Stories are about people, and people don't move through the world with static 'flaws' and 'virtues' checklists that need to be balanced. There's nothing inherently deeper or more meaningful about villainous characters compared to heroic ones. People make choices and deal with situations according to their experiences moment to moment, trying to make sense of things as best they can throughout their lives. Gale fits perfectly within this. The other cast members do too.

And for the record, while I'd argue Karsus was far more ambitious in character than Gale--even for him, it wasn't just about power. The guy was trying to save his people. He fucked up in a horrible and traumatic way so he's a Netherese blood fountain now. (RIP Karsus but also someone please pact with him.)

And as one last, controversial section... what did Gale's experience with Mystra do to him when it comes to his relationship with sex?

From how Gale talks about and shows Weave-sex, I'd argue it's an extension of him feeling inadequate as a mortal. And knowing this is a controversial point + a lot of people have done and loved the Weave scene because it reflects Gale's love of magic, I offer this: Gale would not be less worthy of love if he didn't have magic. Gale does not know this about himself. He went from an archwizard with a tower and Mystra's chosen to a level one adventurer sleeping on the ground. His entire relationship with magic for much of the game is incredibly unhealthy because he sees the person left in its absence as worthless. For Gale to have a healthy arc, I'd argue he needs to learn how to look at himself as nothing but a man and know he's still precious and irreplaceable. He needs to learn that he doesn't need to prove he deserves to be alive. He isn't disappointing. He doesn't have to try to impress others all the time to have a place in their worlds. He doesn't need to bribe people with shiny things or unique abilities so they'll tolerate the rest. He can exist as no one and nothing but himself and be treasured just for that.

I think at some point Gale could potentially have sex in the Weave again as a repairing experience where he's confident that his physical body, his reactions, and his wants weren't anything to feel ashamed of. Reclaiming that from his experience with Mystra could be very powerful and sexy. But for the first time he has sex since Mystra, when he thinks he's going to need to kill himself any day now and has been struggling between terror and self-hatred, I personally think it's healthier for him to get the validation of being enough as just Gale. Not the Wizard of Waterdeep. His life isn't being advocated for because he's strong or unique in bed. Someone wants him alive as just a person.

And not for nothing... I'm saying this as a writer who can't not write. I've had to do my own share of reflection about how I look at myself if writing isn't the metric of my worth. I wouldn't think Gale needs to abandon all magic any more than I would need to abandon all writing. But it's really important to know we aren't empty trash without our callings, you know?

Before I end this post, I do want to invite readers to think back to those bullets I made before on unhealthy power imbalance.

A character is physically and/or mentally incapable of participating with proper awareness of the situation, as a partner with equal respect and sway within the relationship.

A character is dependent upon the prospective partner for survival and cannot refuse them without fear of retribution or withholding necessities to survival.

A character is being systematically isolated and made dependent on their partner for all socialization and self-worth.

If Mystra deliberately started grooming Gale from a young age, emphasized and exaggerated the power discrepancy rather than making any effort to close the gap, that's a pretty big deal. Gale definitely never had equal respect or sway in the relationship compared to her. She'd probably find the idea insulting in the face of her godhood. She didn't want a partner but a supplicant who obeyed her with no needs for himself. Mystra actively distorted Gale's sense of boundaries and magnified what she could take from him if he displeased her. His life's work, his ability to access parts of his own mind for spells, his means of functioning in the world, his ability to defend himself... but also? His health and survival, once the orb was brought into play. And socially, Gale was incredibly isolated. It sounds like he hasn't even seen his own mother in at least a year, which I have some thoughts on. He was friendless for a long time even as Mystra's chosen. And Mystra made sure other wizards knew when she abandoned him to the point that even Lorroakan was aware. Mystra's offense was something for others to look down on him for. And Gale struggles in-game with the idea that Mystra mistreated or neglected him--because how could a goddess, his goddess, do that? He's been gaslit so hard that he doesn't quite get a moment of fully realizing it wasn't his fault. In some dialogue options Mystra even tries to frame his trauma over her abuse, unaware even that he had the Karsic Weave inside him, as wallowing in self-pity.

Gale did make a mistake, but I'd argue it matters a lot that the mistake was innocent and that he's woefully misjudged Mystra's character. He's being told it couldn't have been innocent and he deserves to be punished for it. He largely believes that. Doesn't make it true.

#Gale Dekarios #Mystra #baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate iii #bg3 #bgiii #warning to readers there are strong opinions in here that I am very aware not everyone will share #it's okay if you have a different take and I tried to be careful about how I phrased things #I also didn't scour for all of the direct quotes from the game this time and for that I plead laziness lol sorry #I can try if there are specific moments people want to pick over #but yeah this is in the spirit of reflecting and discussing a character I adore + find really interesting for Gale #along with a character I find really psychologically fascinating and subtle as a villainess for Mystra #people are going to read both differently in places and I genuinely am not looking to fight about that #Just explore how I'm reading things + why in a way where other people are welcome to join if they wanna #If I mixed any lore details from outside the game apologies!

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iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia · 6 months

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If the M6 had any mental disabilities (OCD, Autism, ADHD...) What do you think they would have?

Brainrot's Arcana Essays: M6's mental health conditions

@hewwo-its-floof .... this probably isn't where your ask was heading, but here's an essay! XD I've actually been turning this concept over in my head for several months now, so you'll see what I could see each of them having but you'll also see why I haven't unpacked it much ^.^

(cropped because this is long and addresses each character)

I'm going to be totally honest and say that I'm extremely hesitant to focus on diagnosing fictional characters beyond lighthearted headcanons. From my own experience of having multiple diagnoses at different times, people and characters tend to be fairly complex in the way their nature, nurture, and mental health interact with each other. So while it's really fun and in many ways healing and validating to see our experiences and habits reflected in a loveable character, it's easy to fall into a trap of confining ourselves or a character to the diagnoses we're focusing on.

Asra, Julian, Muriel, and Lucio, for example, all have the kind of lived experiences that you could fully expect would result in CPTSD. Asra's parents disappeared while they were a young child and they experienced the extended trauma of growing up homeless on the streets. Muriel experienced that same abandonment and homelessness, and then that gets layered with his experience in the Coliseum. Julian has clear memories of the trauma of being shipwrecked, losing his parents, and trying to care for his sister as a young boy, plus the apprenticing he did as a teen treating soldiers on active battlefields. Lucio has a similar traumatic background with the amount of time he's spent in combat and the kill-or-be-killed world he grew up in. Portia doesn't have any memories before the grandmothers at Nevivon, but that doesn't erase her body's memory or the chances of second hand trauma from her closeness to her brother. Nadia didn't exactly have an easy childhood, but we aren't aware of any traumatic incidents before adulthood.

All that to say, there's multiple ways to interpret behavior that reflects a mental condition that doesn't match what's considered "normal." Asra can seem ADHD coded - we've seen them fixate on curious puzzles, completely zone out and forget what they're doing, and turn their living space into a cozy state of chaos. That looks a lot like ADHD! But, that could also be the trauma coping mechanisms of someone who likes to live with the luxury of having a space covered in their things without fear of them being removed, or focusing solely on things that make their brain happy in an unpredictable world. Or maybe Asra's just a naturally curious person who finds chaos comforting and spends a lot of time in their own head. Maybe it's a combination of all of the above feeding into each other in different ways!

The same goes for the other three - does Muriel like a more isolated lifestyle because of the trauma from crowds in the Coliseum? Does he like to keep his own heavily guarded space and set routines from living on the streets? Or are those autistic traits, seeking out a space that isn't overstimulating and doesn't require masking? How much of that is natural introversion and a general preference for calm, ordered spaces? He could be a combination of some or all of those things, but he's still himself regardless. If we were to focus on just one, we'd risk leaving the rest to fade into the background.

Julian has one of the stories in which MC plays a very direct role in addressing his mental health. He depends on them heavily to help him find new purpose and a new way to live. You could almost say that MC helps "fix" him, but this doesn't involve losing a lot of the things that make him so messy - it mostly involves helping him dial it back enough so that it's no longer unhealthy. (for example - he drinks as a coping mechanism, but the solution isn't for him to never touch alcohol again. he still drinks and has a fun time, it's his need to self-isolate and self-destruct that really needed to be addressed) He can still be loud and flamboyant and entertaining without having to pin his worth on how much validation he gets from it. Could those super high highs and low lows be signs of bipolar disorder? Maybe, but whether it is or not, Julian's wide range of emotional expression is core to who he is.

Lucio is his own special case (I mean, the story starts out with him as the villain). The plot of his route is his transformation. It could be easy to read narcissism into a lot of his behavior, and if that's a diagnosis his character was built around, it would make sense! It could also be easy to argue that his tendency to idolize himself is a response to growing up in a world where he had no control and felt constantly unsupported and ignored. But the focus isn't on bashing how he sees himself as much as it is on teaching him accountability around what he does with that. Lucio at the end of his story still has a sizeable ego, still sees himself as a protagonist, and has no qualms about being good enough for MC. However, he's gained experience acknowledging his own flaws and mistakes and it's enabled him to seek out a fresh start.

We could unpack Portia and Nadia too - is Portia's super competence and hard working nature born out of the pressure to be strong and steady for her traumatized older brother? Did that cause the hyper responsibility that kept her adventurous spirit in Nevivon way past her childhood? Does her annoyance with her older brother's struggles come out of frustration at never being able to process her own difficulties in favor of playing therapist for everyone else? Are her loudly cheerful attitude, tendency to fill her day with work, and love of escaping into books all masking techniques for chronic depression? Maybe all of that is true, but it's accompanied by a conscious decision to be optimistic and a genuine love of caring for other people.

We could speculate about the source of Nadia's insecurities for hours - what did her old dynamic with Lucio look like? Where did her hesitance to get involved and try to fix a broken system come from? What caused someone with such a focused personality to make firm decisions and express deep doubts at the same time? Does her quest for influence come from a desire to implement improvements or a need for control? Maybe her love of precision, good omens, and controlled environments are a result of OCD, or maybe she's just discovered what it's like to have her confidence shaken and this is what it looks like to move forward.

I've processed my own share of eating and mental disorders, dysphoria, neurodivergence, disability, and trauma. Some of my diagnoses only lasted several months, others took decades to work past, and a few of them I know will be with me for the rest of my life. They help explain a lot of how I function, experience the world, and interact with others as a person. But those conditions and experiences are only part of the amalgamation that makes me who I am, who I've been, and who I'm becoming. I don't care to completely define myself by certain parts when the sum of who I am is what's going to decide my story, and I like extending that mindset to the stories, people, and characters I interact with as well.

I hope that makes sense, and sorry for the unexpected essay!!

Cheers, friend -

brainrot

#ask arcana brainrot #the arcana #the arcana headcanons #the arcana hc #the arcana game #asra the arcana #julian the arcana #nadia the arcana #muriel the arcana #portia the arcana #lucio the arcana #asra alnazar #julian devorak #nadia satrinava #muriel of the kokhuri #portia devorak #lucio morgasson

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reverieaa · 1 year

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i personal feel that this the problem a lot us are probably facing and thinking. i feel this is a topic to be discussed rather than saying "you have it now, the 4D is the only thing that matters, 3D is a reflection... blah blah blah". we should also consider the people who's struggling and suffering from serious mental health issues even though they know the LAW OF ASSUMPTION.

let's say they want to manifest good grade and their test is tomorrow they have nothing prepared so they just 'try' to manifest, claim it and sustain in that assumption and the next day they go to school with full hope and they doesn't know a single thing in that paper and yep they get a bad grade and get discouraged. i know i know, you be like circumstances don't matter it's because that is what you assume. if they were so passionate and hopeful about that why did they get a bad grade? many of them haven't even manifested a thing so far they get easily discouraged and give up. then they be like "let me revise it" and nothing is happening again, this shit is going on loop.

WE NEED TO STOP THIS SHIT!

the blogs and stuffs say that the 4D is real and the 3D is not important it's just a reflection. let's say your bills are due in an hour or so days and you gonna pay the 4D money? hell nah. what's the point of having it in the 4D if you're homeless and your stomach is empty. you say manifestation is instant, if it is so why isn't my assumptions not hardened into facts? we assume a lot of things and not seeing them get real pisses us off.

now let's take an example, i want a complete 360 turn of my entire life like nothing is same as before. i want to be in a different country, have different name, have different job, have different appearance, have different personalities, have different friends, have different family ...... everything is just different. and then I assume like "okay, I'm going to count to ten and when it reaches one when i open my eyes my reality is completely changed" (assumed) and then i do that and nothing changed and i gave up.

this is what is happening for a lot of us and it's even harder when they're a beginner to concious manifesting or haven't consciously manifested anything before on will.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF THIS THE CASE YOU'RE GOING THROUGH? WHAT WILL BE YOUR PIECE OF ADVICE.

if i make rules and if I assume that thing it's going to be like that why isn't it changing?

Idk about you, but I'm pretty satisfied with the answer.

Ppl seem to often misunderstand the "you make the rules" quote a lot bc the idea that they are in control of everything fules ego.

" I want to move this moutian, and if I assume it'll move, it will" does nothing if self hasn't changed. You can't change an outer reality when there is no "outer", it's yourself that you need to change and seeing your mental problems as an obstacle for your dreams ect makes things worse for your mental health.

I understand that many may struggle bc of their mental health. But how is thinking the way you do any better? I think It'd help for a lot of you that instead of saying:

" I have this (mental problem) that means it's harder for me to manifest, therefore I either can't do it or it'll take me a long time" to

" I seem to struggle with (method/certian loa thing) bc I have this (problem), what can I do to make myself more comfortable?"

Even if you're not into loa, viewing everything you can do as limited bc of who you are and what you have can't be good for you.

No one is telling to you to "ignore the 3D" if you have bills to pay and you're manifesting being rich don't just quit your job, if you're hungry and your fridge is empty don't just sit there but go buy food, no one says these things will hold you back from your desires but you. The "things" u hate now is all a state and mentality itself, all in the 4D that's why it's no different than the 3D, you are always the inner self.

Do you want me to change the law? Bc I have no intentions in convincing you or saying sth special. Manifestation itself may be effortless but you need to put in effort in believing that, esp when you’ve lived your life as the opposite up until now.

Did you imagine moving a moutian, or did you imagine being the person who moved it?

The "things" you want changed are waiting for you to change.

#law of assumption #affirm and persist #manifesation #manifesting #neville goddard #loa #3d #affirmations #loa methods #void state

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evangelinesbible · 1 year

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MY SOLAR RETURN

Giving you all a look at my solar return and giving descriptions of my planets and angles. I’ve already done a post taking about my asteroids and other objects. Although I did get a chart reading from “AriesJupiter” here on tumblr I’ll be putting my own interpretations too.

PLANETS

SUN - PISCES 12H

The sun sign is always going to be your natal sun so the house placement is what really matters. Sun in the 12H might mean that this year will be full of self reflection on the ego. taking the time this year to really dig deep and figure out all of blockages and insecurities I have. Becoming more spiritual, taking extra care of my metal health, and figuring out the true intentions behind my desires. 12H is the last house in the zodiac so this year might be the end of endless cycles that I've been going through in the years past.

MOON - SAGITTARIUS 8H

Same sign as my natal (lol) but different house. This year will probably be very emotional and will involve events that will transform me emotionally. I might find the freedom that I've been longing to have, and it will forever change me. How positive I am and my beliefs may change this year and will stay that way for a long time. anything that I've experienced in the past that has traumatized me or left me feeling hurt I might be able to emotionally face this year and it will help me figure out what it means to feel emotionally free.

MERCURY - PISCES 12H

My mind might be in a constant state of escapism (more than it usually is lol) I might be making plans in secret this year that pertain to music/the arts/acting. I might become more private and seclusive this year and keep most of my thoughts/ideas to myself. if I have a lot of dreams this year I should probably write them down. Again since the 12H is about closure than anything that I've been writing or planing for the past few years will finally be complete and ready to distribute to the world.

VENUS - ARIES 1H

Since the 1H can represent new beginnings Venus being in the 1H can mean that physically I change my style or I find ways to enhance my beauty with whatever else gets naturally enhanced this year. More bold and trendsetting styles/makeup. This year might also feel like a new start in self love and finding new things that I enjoy to do. with it being in Aries it could mean that I might be more adventurous this year and do things spontaneously in ways that boost my self esteem and self love. people will see it too, they'll see my beauty in a new way, they'll see how confident I am, and they'll see how independent Ive become. I might be more spontaneous in relations as well, I might become very confident flirting and showing my body.

MARS - GEMINI 3H

This year I might be moving at a faster pace. wanting to do everything just cause. I might want to do thing that involves seeing other people and communicating with people. I might put all my energy into making more connections with people online. issues with siblings might happen since mars does rule over aggression.

JUPITER - ARIES 1H

Most of my luck will involve my physicality. I might get many opportunities and are money because of my looks/beauty/body. I'll have a lot of luck doing things independently (meaning working for myself). I might gain some popularity or grow to be known as someone who is independent and confident in themselves and style. This placement might mean that three a glow to me this year that everyone will be able to see.

SATURN - PISCES 12H

Although it is apparent that there will be many things ending for me this year that doesn't mean that till be tied up in a pretty little bow. ill have to make hard choices to get where I want to go mentally, physically and in success. a lot of blockages and many times this year I'll feel extremely mental drained and challenged. finding way to turn my escapism and tendency to daydream into something substantial will be a way I might mature this year. Another way is tapping into my empathy and kindness more. Might be best for me to stay clear of drugs and alcohol this year.

URANUS - TAURUS 2H

An expected event happening with money. Either gaining a bunch or loosing a lot. I'm leaning towards gaining a bunch just cause its in taurus so I'm holding out hope. life might seem a bit unstable this year. going out with friends might involve spending a lot of money together, so going shopping, dressing up to go to restaurants, ect.

NEPTUNE - PISCES 12H

Plans involving music will be completing this year and will heavily involve secrets, confessions of the mind, and involve my wildest dreams. I'll take more about Neptune in the aspects part of this post.

PLUTO - CAPRICORN 11H

Major transformations for me will involve my social circles and how I present myself online. A situation with a friend/some I consider a friend will transform me the most this year. I'll be obsessed with making real/long term friendships. I'll also be heavily obsessed with success and being successful and it might start with doing things online that'll get me the success I want. I'll probably transform into a very business savvy and socially smart person.

ANGLES

RISING - 7° ARIES

Aries rising can again mean fresh new starts this year and being very bold and independent. I'll start of the year very determined and headstrong. ill thrive to be confident. 7° (libra) further enhances the heavy 1H energy (meaning the Venus 1H) in this chart and makes it apparent that 1. love/self love will be very important this year, and that 2. Physical beauty will be very important this year.

IC - 4° CANCER

A good year to get closer with my mother and to just spend more time with family. another indication of it being a very emotional year.

DSC - 7° LIBRA

A good placement if expected to get into a long term relationship. If a long term relation where to happen this year it'd be naturally romantic. relationships in general will be with charismatic, lovely and caring people.

MC - 4° CAPRICORN

People will see how hard of a worker I'll be this year and see the success pay off business wise. People will see how importance success is to me and the emotional connection I have to my career endeavors. Big boss on the move.

OTHER THINGS

ASTEROIDS

CHART RULER GEMINI 3H - Along with the ASC and Sun being the main themes of the overall year, the chart being mars means that working hard towards a specific goal involving communication, and expression of my mind will also be the main theme of the year. social media and social groups will be involved as well.

MC RULER SATURN 12H - Success won't come easily but working towards it will end up with it being long term/long lasting. A lot of work done behind the sense to get to the spotlight. working in private/with secret groups will be beneficial.

SOME OTHER DEGREES

PLUTO 29° - a karmic degree that is considered a fame placement since its in Leo. fame is possible but at what cost? admitting my obsessions, selfishness, mistakes and dark desires to the world (in this case online since Pluto is in the 11H) for the chance of fame/popularity this year.

POF 17° - another fame degree that isn't considered karmic unlike 29°. It being in the 9H Sagittarius could mean luck, prosperity, and fame in the media. Could also mean gaining popularity on the road and with people in far away places.

CHIRON/JUPITER/VESTA 14° - 14° is a taurus degree, and given to these placements means that there's a Taurus influence. for all of them it could mean that artistic expression is needed. for Chiron it could mean that the things I heal from this year will involve using my art to do so. for Jupiter it could mean making money this year with the arts, and for Vesta it could mean that my internal flame is ignited this year when doing artistic things. (especially singing)

SATURN 0° - 0° is a critical degree and can indicate that the sign the planet/object is in is at its purest. The restrictions and challenges I'll face this year will be the first time I ever experience them.

SOME ASPECTS

NEPTUNE CONJUNCT SUN - With Neptune ruling melodies(music) and sun representing attention this could optionally mean that any music I relate will gain a lot of attention. my happiness and identity will be heavily involved with the themes of Neptune. So, creativity, music, and future plans. this could also mean being seen as glamours and getting attention from my glamor/mystique this year

VENUS/NN/JUNO TRINE MC - Trines are very harmonious and often bring luck in whatever is being aspected. Venus trine MC can bring natural luck with ingraining my beauty and arts with my career. NN can mean that natural luck and ability to achieve my destiny in my career was mean to happen this year. Juno can mean finding someone who shares the same career goals as me.

OVERALL VIBE

With old doors closing, new ones are ready to open.

Its up to me if I just simply knock and wait

Or walk right in and claim wants mine

- SM

happy late birthday to me 🎂 💋

- ⚜️💫⚜️

#astrology #astro notes #astro observations #astro placements #astrology notes #pisces #aries #capricorn #taurus #cancer #solar return chart #solar return #happy birthday #happy bithday to me #degree theory #chart ruler #mc ruler

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