#i LOVE it when the writer and illustrate are the same person

[fightingwithallreality]

Blaze and Thunderbolt (1955) written and illustrated by Clarence William Anderson

#blaze and thunderbolt #clarence william anderson #c w anderson #i LOVE it when the writer and illustrate are the same person #it brings such love to the story #like yes they have passion for both and they did that here #some of my favorite things about vintage books #but ive only found a couple over the past year #anderson has a whole series about billy so maybe I will do some of his other books too #we will see #internet archive #photopia #yee haw #horses #horse art #illustration #horse #equids #1955 #circa 1955 #50s #1950s #wyoming #montana #colorado #utah #horse ranch #ranch #ranchhand #ranch life

[phonydiaries]

Beautiful Dreamer - P x Reader

Notes: This is a bit of a shorter fic from me and it's pure unadulterated fluff and sap and nobody gets stabbed! Which is really stretching myself as a writer, to be honest. You guys know I love nothing more than a good life-threatening injury. Anyways, no warnings for this one! Enjoy the cozy vibes <3 

---

It seemed somewhat magical in the beginning. 

Pino came running to you once, at the very break of dawn when you had just barely opened your eyes; too-bright sunlight stinging them as the puppet shook you from sleep. It was difficult for you to grasp what he meant, at first, to wrap your head around what he was trying to describe. His speechless manner of communication and your general grogginess certainly didn’t help matters. But through a series of signs and expressions from Pinocchio, you came to understand. In his slow but sure gaining of humanity the boy had begun to dream at night. 

You were vaguely aware that he did not dream before, and didn’t exactly sleep in the way humans did (although he did something similar enough that you personally couldn’t tell the difference). 

“Is it… pleasant?” You asked him, genuinely quite curious as to what a strange thing dreams must seem to someone who had never known them. It had the potential to be wondrous and peaceful, but at the same overwhelming and utterly confusing. P seemed to take your question into careful consideration, really mulling it over. His eyes shone bright as he finally nodded decisively. 

For all his excitement over this newfound ability, Pinocchio was frankly dreadful in his attempts at describing his dreams to you. You tried earnestly to follow along, but his gestures and expressions would eventually become too complicated and frenetic for you to follow and so you found yourself utterly lost in his recollections. It was after one such frustrating night that you gifted him a pocket journal to write in. This was much preferred for both of you, and you came to enjoy the routine of him eagerly handing off his scribblings for you to interpret in the morning. You would sit elbow to elbow at the table, sipping morning tea and reading his writing aloud, while he listened and nodded along captivated, his chin resting over his hands on the table. 

His writing was uncharacteristically scratchy, with words often misspelled or crossed out implying that he was simply transcribing for speed and not coherence. Now and then there would be an addition of a crude drawing, sometimes the vague outline of a rabbit or a rushed impression of beaming stars. 

One day, when it was particularly gloomy, you and Pino wandered to the library. Silence between the two of you was not uncommon, nor was it in any way awkward or uncomfortable. With the heavy fall of rain against the roof on this day, you found the quiet between the shelves especially peaceful. By the orange glow of a lantern, you turned the pages of a dream-interpretation guide. It was a small and somewhat battered thing and had been picked up eagerly by Pinocchio of course, who sat on the floor with crossed legs, chin resting in the heels of his hands as he listened to you, enthralled. In hushed tones, you ran down bulleted lists of common dreams and all the cryptic mysteries they may contain. 

“Here, how about this one, have you ever dreamed that your teeth were falling out?” You asked, pointing to a passage in the book. P slapped a hand over his mouth and shook his head vigorously, looking suddenly very concerned with keeping said teeth firmly in his mouth. You couldn’t help chucking as you turned the page. 

The day wore on, and the oil in your lantern burned down to nothing, the dim light flickering across an eerie illustration. You’d been leafing through an art book of the romantic era painters and left off on a Fuseli painting of a tormented woman being peered upon unknowingly by some manner of devil. You found the page quite off putting honestly, and closed the book. 

“I figure that’s enough of that. What do you say, Pino-oh.” 

As you addressed your puppet companion in the dark, you came to see that he sat on the floor still, slumped against the foot of your chair. His cheek was sunk into his left shoulder, eyes shut, breathing soft and shallow. The serenity of the scene warmed your heart some, and you leaned down to press a kiss to his forehead. “Pino…” you whispered, and ran a hand through his hair in an effort to wake him. But he didn’t stir, seemingly in a deep sleep. You were sorry for the uncomfortable condition he seemed to be posed in, but you didn’t want to disturb the poor puppet. You gathered your things and left quietly, shuffling off to your quarters. 

It was around midnight that the puppet woke with a panicked gasp. He was surprised to find his legion arm held up defensively, as if in anticipation of an invisible attack. His eyes searched his surroundings frantically, and only when he recognized the library did he hesitantly lower his arm. In the darkness he felt quite uneasy and disoriented. He tried to recall your soothing hushed voice. It had put him into quite a state it seemed before he eventually drifted off. It was in stark contrast to the current thrumming of his mechanical heart and the uncomfortable quickness of his breaths. He had dreamed something wholly unpleasant, and with some sadness realized this new facet of humanity came with drawbacks. He did not care much for these dreams at all.

Pinocchio made his way down the corridor to your quarters, his steps echoing eerily. He threw pointed glances over his shoulder frequently, half expecting some monstrous creature to appear suddenly in the halls of Hotel Krat. The simple casting of shadows had never before made him so on-edge. When he reached your room, he opened the door slowly and peered inside. You lay there in the dark beneath silk sheets, curled in on yourself and sleeping soundly. With great care not to startle you, he knelt by your bedside and nudged you in the back. Your head flinched momentarily, but you otherwise remained still. With some urgency he took your shoulder and shook until you stirred. Rubbing your eyes wearily, you rolled over to face him. 

“Pino, it’s ah…it’s late isn’t it? Can’t it wait til morning..?” You grumbled. He shook his head almost apologetically and squeezed your shoulder. As your eyes adjusted to the darkness, you were able to make out unfamiliar anxious creases in his expression. You willed yourself into a greater awareness and sat up promptly. “What is it, what’s wrong?” You asked, your tone softening significantly. P gestured in the direction of the library and rummaged around in his pocket for a moment. He retrieved the pocket journal you’d given him and pointed several times at the most recent entry. You squinted. On the left page he had simply blacked out the entire thing with a pen, and on the right page the phrase “strung up” was written several frantic times with increasing disregard for legibility. 

When you looked up at him to clarify, he raised his hands limp above his head and dropped his chin to his chest. The image was admittedly shuddersome and he cast a long and spindly shadow across the wall. 

“I see.” You said, closing the journal. “You had a nightmare, hm? All strung up like an ordinary puppet.” Your heart fell for the poor boy. It must’ve been terribly frightening for him. 

Pinocchio nodded solemnly, not meeting your eyes. He stared off blankly and rubbed his wrists, as if easing a phantom feeling of restraints. You took note of this and hummed softly. 

“Here, may I see?” You asked, and pulled his arm towards you. You made a show of inspecting it and tapping your chin thoughtfully. Holding his arm with one hand, you stuck up two fingers like a pair of scissors and pretended to snip the invisible puppet string. You repeated this mimic on his other arm and then took his hands in yours, placing a kiss on the back of each. 

“All gone.” 

Pinocchio looked at you with a kind of boyish wonder. He raised one fist to the crown of his head with a smile, making a  pshhh sound and opening his hand, giving the impression of a miniature explosion.

“Think you’ll be alright for the rest of the night?”

At this he shifted a little. His fingers busied themselves, twisting in the bedsheets. He was obviously still shaken up somewhat. You could understand that, although it was a bit of a surprise to learn that someone so nearly indestructible could be afraid of the dark. 

“Alright,” you sighed, lifting the sheets. “Get in here.” 

P’s chin jutted forward and his brow furrowed at your offer. You just gestured to the space beside you with your head. “Go on, before I change my mind.” You teased. At this, Pinocchio clambered up into your bed and nuzzled his face into the pillow. As he got settled. You pulled the sheet over his shoulders and snaked your arm up around him from behind. Your nose pressed against the nape of his neck and you breathed in the smell of him, like fresh rain. 

“Have no fear, my puppet.” You said sleepily against his skin. “Your trusty human won’t let anything steal you away from me in the night.” You heard him snicker at this, but you knew without a doubt he felt safer here with you and vice versa. It was sweet, really. 

By the time the sun rose you were both still sound asleep, all tangled in each other’s limbs, looking like lovers in the warm morning light. The day could wait a little longer. 

#originally this fic was called sing me to sleep bc I was listening to the suckerpunch soundtrack version of Asleep on loop #so if you want the full experience queue that song up while you read #lydia dropping art history refs like a fucking nerd #extremely soft pino #lies of p #lies of p fanfic #lop #lies of p x reader #pinocchio x reader #lies of p fanart #fluff #my writing

[electronickingdomfox]

Star Trek TOS slash bits (Season two)

This is my personal rundown of all the slash scenes in TOS season two. I've omitted episodes when I didn't find anything remarkable in them.

-What I count: lingering touches or affectionate looks, clinginess, actions that show a strong concern/familiarity with each other, suggestive scenes...

-What I DON'T count: friendly gestures (like smiling or looking amused when someone says something funny), scenes taken out of context, physical proximity just because there's not enough space...

I'll try to illustrate some scenes when necessary, though screenshots usually don't do justice to it.

For season one analysis go here.

Metamorphosis:

There's no slash per se, but the episode has an underlying theme of love being independent of and transcending the sex of two individuals, or even their species. Spock comes off a bit more narrow-minded than the others, since he only considers the possibility of the Companion being in love with Cochrane once he learns the Companion is female. However, Kirk and McCoy had already reached this conclusion long before they knew the Companion even had a gender. And then there's, of course, Cochrane's indignation about men of the future being so open-minded, and having "no notion of decency and morality". An attitude that Spock defines as "parochial". And McCoy's take on it: "There's nothing disgusting about it. It's just another life form, that's all. You get used to those things." (And may I say, good for him to be used to alien entities entering him, considering the whole katra affair years later...)

It's been pointed out that Kirk's heartfelt speech about the Companion being unable to join "the man", is actually a revelation of his feelings for Spock. Personally, I think that's too much of an extrapolation. Even supposing that Kirk's talking in part about himself here, this may be just because of his inability to have a long-lasting relationship with anyone (not just Spock). Something that the show has already established firmly at this point.

Friday's Child

Spones Spock finds Eleen holding McCoy's hand, and McCoy quickly removes his hand, as if embarrassed for being caught cheating by his boyfriend. Unlike other times, when Spock looks amused by men flirting with women, this time he seems rather disappointed. Besides, this episode was written by D. C. Fontana, the same writer who introduced the concept of hand-touching as a specially intimate act for Vulcans.

There's also the scene where McCoy tries (unsuccessfully) to teach Spock how to hold a baby, which mirrors the one where he teaches Eleen the same.

Who Mourns for Adonais?

Spirk When Kirk regrets that Spock can't come with the landing party, it seems as if Kirk's mind was wandering in an altogether different place.

Amok Time

Spirk Many instances. For starters, Spock's hand gets really trembling when Kirk approaches him, and later when he grabs his wrist during a confrontation. Notice that this kind of nervousness happens mainly when Spock is approached by women (potential mates), as when he throws Chapel's soup, or when he hears Uhura's voice through the intercom. Later, Kirk is willing to risk his career to save Spock. And once in Vulcan, Spock breaks through the plak tow to beg for Kirk's life, even if he shouldn't be able to even speak in that state. Then there's, of course, the fight itself, which could be interpreted as a placeholder for sex, considering all the suggestive imagery, and the fact that it resolves magically Spock's pon farr.

As for the outcome of the fight, Spock refuses to "live long and prosper", after seemingly killing Kirk. His reaction upon finding out that Kirk's alive wouldn't be so noteworthy if Spock was a normal human. However, such an open smile is very, very rare for Spock. McCoy (like any good shipper) notices at once his unusually intense emotions.

Spones There's another character that elicits a trembling in Spock's hand, while getting physically close for a medical check-up. A clue: it's not Chapel.

The Changeling

Spirk Kirk grabs Spock very tightly after Nomad's mind assault (and probably accidentally, Shatner squeezes Nimoy's pec so hard, that he hurts him).

Right after this, Kirk still holds Spock for a very long time, until he's sufficiently recovered.

The Apple

Spirk Spock jumps illogically in front of Kirk to save him from the poisonous flowers, and almost dies as consequence. This earns him a reprimand from Kirk, who points out that he could have just shouted a warning. Apart from this, Kirk compliments Spock's appearance with the flower bracelet.

Mirror Mirror Spones McCoy risks being left stranded in the mirror universe to save Spock's life. And it's not even HIS Spock! Kirk acknowledges how important this is for the doctor, and grants him those extra minutes. Right after, mirror Spock corners McCoy against a wall, and forces a mind meld on him. While Bones behaves quite submissively. It's both suggestive and disturbing.

In the end, McCoy says that he liked Spock better with a beard, since it gave him "character". After his similar scene with Kahn, it seems that McCoy just has a thing for "bad boys".

The Deadly Years

Spirk Kirk makes a videocall to Spock while half naked, so his tits are right on his face. Unlike the similar scene in "The Corbomite Manouver", Kirk doesn't have a particular reason to be half naked here, and he's calling Spock specifically.

And this may be a bit far-fetched, but while flirting with his previous girlfriend, Dr. Wallace, Kirk compares her with his First Officer.

McKirk Kirk is quick to point out that McCoy is growing some white hairs, in a good-natured way. And he's a bit flirtatious while the doctor reprimands and checks him.

Bread and Circuses

Spones Pretty one-sided on McCoy's part. He's touched by the fact that Spock saved him in the arena, and tries to make amends and open his heart to the Vulcan. However, he fails to get a "genuine, warm, decent feeling" from Spock, and gets very hurt by his indifference (one could say, he feels "scorned"). After this, he lashes out at Spock in a specially vicious way.

Then the scene transitions to...

McSpirk ...once McCoy and Spock both admit how worried they are about Jim.

Meanwhile, Jim is in no danger, but fooling around with Drusilla. And later, he seems ashamed to tell them about his affair with her. Of course, there's also the fact that Merik and the Proconsul know immediately that putting Spock and McCoy in danger, would be the best way to blackmail Kirk into cooperating.

Journey to Babel

McKirk It's just a little thing, but Kirk and McCoy seem to be dressing in the same cabin.

Spones McCoy is eager to learn anything about Spock's childhood from his mom, specially the embarrassing details. And he beams with joy upon finding out that Spock used to have a "teddy bear".

A Private Little War

Spirk At the start of the episode, Kirk is so worried about Spock's injury, that he snaps at the bridge crew in frustration. And he goes back to sickbay to check on Spock's condition, despite having been there a few minutes before, and having just called McCoy about it. His looks at the unconscious Spock say it all:

McKirk Bones is very caring towards Kirk for most of the episode, specially since the latter is injured several times. And he's also quite worried about the possibility of Kirk being really enslaved by Nona. Apart from this, there's his gentle caressing of Kirk's naked chest...

Spones McCoy is reluctant to leave Spock and beam down to the planet, after having just said that doctor M'Benga could perfectly take care of him. At the end, McCoy is overjoyed to find out that Spock is alright (it's remarkable that Kirk, instead, doesn't react visibly to Spock's voice). However, the Vulcan dismisses McCoy's reaction, once again embittering him.

On the other hand, what the hell was going on between Kirk and Tyree!?

All that talk about them being "made brothers", and Tyree's refusal to tell his wife about their past... Nona seems even jealous, and says she's also "his sister" (kind of putting Kirk in the same level as Tyree's wife). McCoy tries to make Kirk reconsider his strategy of arming both sides, by reminding him that Tyree could also die in the war. And during the final fight, Tyree is about to crush Kirk with a rock, but Kirk's intense stare makes him recover his sanity.

The Gamesters of Triskelion

Spones Despite all the bickering going on between Spock and McCoy in this episode, the following exchange reveals that McCoy is actually eager to meet Spock's expectations:

SPOCK: I would welcome a suggestion, Doctor, even an emotional one, as to where to look. MCCOY: First time you've ever asked me for anything, and it has to be an occasion like this.

Spock looks at him surprised, together with comedic music in the background. At the end, McCoy finally smiles, when Spock accepts his help to rescue the others.

Obsession

McKirk Very similar scene to the one in "Balance of Terror". McCoy enters Kirk's cabin while he's in bed, and tries to comfort him, saying that he wasn't responsible for the deaths aboard the Farragut. However, the argument gets intense, to the point that Kirk warns the doctor not to push their friendship.

The Immunity Syndrome

Spones There's a lot to unpack here. At first, Spock and McCoy are competing for the (dubious) honor of entering the amoeba. But then Spock makes McCoy understand how truly dangerous the mission is, when he asks him to wish him luck. McCoy is taken aback, and can only do so, shyly, once Spock can't hear him anymore.

Later, he seems sorrowful when Spock reminds him that he should have wished him luck. Still, McCoy doesn't want to believe that Spock is dead:

KIRK: What's on your mind? MCCOY: Spock. Is it me, Jim? Am I so sentimental that I just have to keep believing that he's still alive in that mass of protoplasm?

At the end, McCoy is so happy to find Spock alive, that he blurts out an order to rescue him, forgetting he's not the Captain, much to Spock's amusement. The doctor seems a bit embarrassed, and he feels the need to berate Spock afterwards, in true tsundere fashion. Meanwhile, Kirk seems to be having a lot of fun with all this.

By Any Other Name

Spones McCoy holds Spock for a long time, after he's shocked while mind-melding with Kelinda, even when Spock is already up and walking. A bit later, he's still concerned and hovering over him. He also keeps Spock in his arms when the latter induces a trance on himself, and in general, he's very close to him whenever they're in the same scene.

For his part, Kirk's fight with Rojan is rather suggestive, specially since he gives him a long speech while grabbing him like this:

After this, he takes him by the shoulders in the typical "Kirk embrace", usually reserved for women he's about to kiss.

Return to Tomorrow

Spirk At the end, Kirk is devastated when he thinks that Spock has died. So much that Sargon, having understood how important Spock was to him, had saved his conscience beforehand, so he could be revived.

Patterns of Force

Spirk The kinky episode. First we have Kirk's uniform fetish, when he regrets that Spock's uniform isn't as attractive as his. And then, of course, the prison porn scene. A half naked Spock climbs on top of a half naked Kirk, while the latter sweats and screams "Oh my goodness. Beautiful. Oh Spock, Spock!". Has to be seen to be believed.

I'd be almost tempted to include the bit where the nazi guards catch them all inside a closet, under the pretense that McCoy was drunk, if this wasn't taking things too out of context.

The Ultimate Computer

McKirk McCoy comforts Kirk when the latter is feeling insecure about losing his command to a machine, and assures him he's not being unfair at all. Later, McCoy comes to Kirk's quarters to have a drink together, and makes a toast for him. Then Kirk... recites poetry to McCoy.

The Omega Glory

Spirk A redshirt is seriously injured and lying on the floor, and yet Kirk quickly forgets about him and is like "Mr. Spock! Are you alright!?"... But Spock is just standing there, looking perfectly FINE.

Kirk and McCoy's worry is justified later, once Spock is injured for real, but here is kind of hilarious.

Summary

Spirk: 9 out of 26 episodes Spones: 9/26 McKirk: 5/26 McSpirk: 1/26

Season one was the Spirk season, but in this season Spones has gained a lot of ground.

#star trek tos #star trek tos season two #analysis #spirk #k/s #spones #mckirk #mcspirk

[eilwen]

And they say romance is dead.

Joking aside, Vol. 8 further solidifies my appreciation for Meryl.

Hopefully I can put my long-winded thoughts into concise words when it comes to writing women/female characters and why I loved Meryl in the manga even when she's absent for a chunk it from Vol. 7 onward.

Good 'women/female writing', to me, is not just having more lines, more screen presence or more visibility because you can easily write a character that ticks all of those boxes and still be a shell, still be poorly written, still be misused and still fall into numerous stereotypes. Though we are seeing more female characters onscreen/on paper these days, there are still traps of 'women written by men usually for men or what they think a woman wants' with some variations (and of course some women can also find difficulty in writing women). Then there are times when women characters who are so incredible or powerful, they come off as unbelievable, as if writing a woman character is sometimes treated similarly to handling glass. Some writers are afraid to write women well, believing that it’s 'safer' to have the character be amazing and flawless than forgotten or absent (which can be problematic in a different way).

I love manga-Meryl because I know Meryl's arc, faults, growth, struggles etc.... Nightow really puts her through the ringer. We don't see her much in the later volumes once things get heavy since she's not the series' protagonist, but we learn that she has a full journey post-Colnago. Eventually she, as a person who is not super-powered in the way other characters are, assists Vash in the best way she can.

Vash is a plant, the Humanoid Typhoon, all these other labels, but he calls himself a simple gunman. So, when Meryl is the one to make sure that he has a gun despite everything she had experienced... ah, I had a lot of feelings.

Vol. 8, Ch. 3. ... God damn.

One of the best things Nightow did in Trimax was to write Meryl with doubt and fear and break her away from Vash in Vol. 6, because having a woman follow and care for a man blindly is frankly boring and adds little depth to a friendship or a relationship.

(This praise also extends to how Nightow writes Luida - but those are thoughts for some other time.)

I am also considering Meryl as one representation for humanity in Trigun Maximum's narrative. She is the ordinary person who has been unwillingly forced to witness devastation, destruction, loss etc. and is expected to continue after that. That is a difficult thing to overcome... and then to grapple with the idea of assisting that same force... I imagine that this is a very difficult responsibility. There are war films (good and bad films, from a range of nations) that touch on this theme of responsibility.

I'd like to think that real courage is understanding and overcoming a fear instead of having none.

And then in Vol. 8, Meryl does a small act. She asks someone else to help - something that Marlon later tells Vash to do (let his friends help him, I mean). Without grandeur. Kind of anti-epic. However, this small act is extraordinarily powerful because without that gun, Vash is unable to proceed.

We sometimes view power in such a black and white way when power can be asking someone else for help, trusting someone else, and not have it be about you.

Vol. 8, Ch. 5. A Marlon panel is always a good panel.

I love how Nightow illustrates this. In these panels, Vash is hearing Marlon talk about a 'guest'. Marlon never mentions Meryl's name. We know it's Meryl because we know what the back of Meryl's head looks like (and her legs, haha) but Vash is not seeing what we are seeing.

And yet, Vash knows.

#trigun maximum #trimax vol 8 #trigunbookclub #meryl stryfe #idle thoughts #typed this too quickly so might edit later

[reiverreturns]

can’t stop thinking about the fact that phoenix, as a female character, is not once used as a emotional wayfinder for rooster or the audience. i’m not yet over how damn COMPELLING it is as a facet of her character.

so phoenix is presented from the off as someone with an obvious close connection with rooster, and through her perspective we see bits of their history - deadpanning him when she nails him with the pool cue because he didn’t tell her he was stateside (and she’s not angry or disappointed, she clearly didn’t expect him to); how she gets out of the way for rooster and hangman to face off (she’s knows what’s coming but also that it’s not her fight); the way her face lights up when rooster sits at the piano (because she knows him well enough to know what makes him happy and how he expresses it). 

these moments all tell us things about phoenix and rooster’s friendship, but none of it serves to solve rooster’s problems or help him work through his emotions. phoenix never steps into that role. you could argue she gets close when rooster admits to her that mav pulled his papers, but even then phoenix doesn’t sympathise or validate rooster’s anger. she pauses, considers, and only asks “why would he do that?” - the one question rooster should be asking but doesn’t, the one his anger’s been pushing him away from for years.

and i just love that. phoenix isn’t there as a character to serve others, she isn’t a woman that exists to push forward the arc of a male protagonist. she’s there as the architect of the web that pulls all of these pilots and their shared histories together. she’s there to show how friendships can be deep and sustained and caring without being emotionally crippling. she’s there to show that knowing a person isn’t the same as understanding them. she doesn’t know rooster fully, but kneeling on the tarmac she understands him better than anyone in the world.

to illustrate my point by comparison, think about penny. to mav she’s a reminder of the past (one he’s constantly wrestling with because he can’t forgive himself for what’s happened, whether he’s earned the blame or not.) she steers him back towards what’s important and inspires his action when he has a crisis of confidence after cyclone pulls him out of the programme. the grand goodbye before mav goes on the mission in his dress whites with the cavernous black sea behind them is the cinematic equivalent of holding up a sign to the audience that says ‘you should be sad and worried! this little man’s in danger! hope you left room for catharsis after dinner.’

now i’m not saying one is better than the other (i stan penny and will hear nothing bad about her.) both characters serve purposes in the narrative that progress the plot. all i am saying is that it would have been so easy for the writers to write phoenix as that feminine emotional touchpoint for rooster and the audience. they could have inserted a scene after rooster and hangman’s fight where rooster starts to sift through his complex emotions about mav and his dad with her. they could have had a shot of her flying back looking distraught after rooster goes back for mav. what they did instead; in making her the connective glue of the group, using her to colour in their unseen past relationships and dynamics; is force rooster’s arc to come from within. and i’m telling you, the entire freaking movie is stronger for it.

so yeah. i really love phoenix. can you tell?

#i'm just so... not normal about these two right now #the more i think about their dynamic the more i want to sink my teeth into concrete #there is just so much DEPTH #(also known as minimal canon interaction time) but i interpret it as DEPTH #you can almost perfectly time these posts with when i'm writing fanfiction and thinking too much about some blorbos #anyway. back to scrolling through gifs of them and procrastinating #natasha phoenix trace #top gun maverick #tgm #bradley rooster bradshaw #long post

[atxxzist]

broken | c.s (final)

prev // series m.list

pairing: choi san x reader

word count: 13.5k

warning: nothing i can think of but lmk

"you did it once again!" arin squeaks, the excitement in her tone louder than the overwhelming joy you're feeling, only able to stare in awe at the sight before you.

your picture right under the employee of the month for the second time in a row.

"i guess i did," you reply, a confident smile resting on your lips as your chest drops in relief.

it took a lot of time and so much work in order for you to come around and accept the idea that you are good at what you do. that every compliment wasn't just because they pitied or felt bad for you, but because you genuinely deserved it.

it took even longer to come to terms with the fact that despite growing up the way you did, your youth filled with absent parents and a home and family with no love, you are so much more than that.

you are so much more than the traumas and broken pieces in your life, and you're not just a weak, timid girl with a haunted past and a wounded heart.

even if your parents didn't love you, and the only boy who you gave your heart to broke it, those things doesn't define you as much as the belief and faith you have in yourself.

all the sessions of sitting in your therapist's office, crying, spilling your soul and guts out, and trying to believe her when she'd tell you none of it is your fault, whether your parents or the romantic partners you had.

it's worth it because you came out so much better in the end, your mindset almost completely rewired to the point you can't believe how vulnerable you once were.

how, you used to believe every lies so easily, it flying over your head and always giving people the benefits of the doubt when they didn't deserve it.

always such a pushover and so fearful, unconfident at anything, it's hard to wrap your head around the fact you lived for almost nineteen years without medication or guidance when you were on edge and close to breaking down at all time.

but regardless, you did it. you got help and unlearned some, and then had to learn a lot so you could be the person you are today. no longer doubtful of yourself and your abilities, and unwilling to let just anybody step all over you.

it's that mentality that got you this far despite also still being the very same girl from five years ago who's still naive in some ways, and with so many more things to learn and overcome.

"y/n," arin calls, sneaking half her body into your cubicle with a stack of papers in her hold, prompting you to spin the chair around to face her.

"the team's going out to eat after work. it is our treat to you."

"sounds good," you reply, pleased by the offer you wouldn't ever deny. "see you in about 20?"

"yes." she bobs her head. "we're getting barbecue, by the way."

life had been an array of ups and downs, everything not always smooth sailing and hitting many bumps on the road here. from you and yuna joining hands together in making a children's book with her being the illustrator but unable to commit to the idea, to getting ignored or rejected the first 40 or so applications until someone finally found your resume impressive because you didn't want to just rely on other people.

no matter how good yuna's offer was, talking about how she could get you a position in her uncle's company and how bad you wanted to take it because it would've spared you the stress of having to search for a job yourself, you knew you couldn't.

you wanted to earn it and be proud it was through your own efforts.

the rejections humbled you in some ways, and made you stronger in others, stopping at nothing until you finally got the first email that you've been accepted by a makeup brand as their content writer.

the brand, velvetie, had only been out for about a year by the time of your employment and was still fairly small and experimental. now, the brand is known for their lines of lip tints that are labeled soft, smooth, and long-lasting by reviewers, the creations only getting more popular by days as it's just now being praised by actors and idols alike.

you didn't at all imagined this to be the job you'd wind up with, nor did you think you'd turn out liking it, the creative writing degree and your history speaking for itself, but you're happy where you ended up and happy to still be writing in general.

the marketing team you're in, a small but comfortable circle where you've come to love and grow fond of the people you're working with, sharing the same space for a few hours a day and understanding all too well the struggles of meeting deadlines or running into a creative dry spell.

arin, who you're closest to and have known the longest, is who you met in your last semester of sophomore year after making the mistake of taking calculus as an elective while she was taking it as requirement for her business major.

besides the obvious hatred for calculus the two of you shared, it was unusual how quick a friendship came to blossom, never in your life have you felt such a natural bond to anyone. not even mingi, you've already told that story countless times, how it took awhile.

but it was so easy talking to her, your reserved and hesitant personality the perfect one to her more outgoing and friendly nature, you two clicked instantly, it was crazy.

she not only became one of your best friends, but also a part of your everyday life.

"you're completely drunk," you comment, finally pulling your friend's butt off the seat when everyone else finally left.

she hurls out a groan and leans on you slightly, her alcohol breath incredibly intoxicating and is the sole reason why you often rethink the choice of saying yes when you hate taking care of a drunk arin.

"i'm good," she attempts to say but her words are slurred as she tries regaining her balance and striving a few steps forward but you're quick to assist her again because you know she's gonna fall.

"come on, let's get you a cab," you say at the same time walking out with her sluggish body, stopping just right outside the restaurant.

"no. let me go home with you."

you raise an eyebrow at your friend, her head on your shoulder and appearing unconscious but the response just now registering her more aware than you think, because you know the girl, and you know she won't ever pass up the opportunity to visit her boyfriend.

a few months ago when you finally made the big decison to move out after sharing a tiny apartment with mingi for over a year, you had no idea that the new place, a modern-esque two bedroom apartment, would be under the same building as arin's boyfriend, and just right down from the hall to be precise.

you've met him a couple times and of course, he's handsome and wonderful and treats her just right, but you definitely did not apartment hunt with him in mind, so what were the chances.

at least for arin, it made everything all more convenient. her boyfriend in one place and her best friend just two doors down as she'd hop from one to another like it's halloween.

but in spite of her protests along the shared ride because you also shouldn't be driving, your conscious tipsy, you tell the driver to pull up at her place, not at all concerned about the abandoned cars because you'll just pick it up tomorrow, with the restaurant and your workplace a walking distance.

"but the dinner tomorrow, you're still coming, right?" your friend turns to you, her lazy eyes squinting as she awaits an answer.

"yes. we'll talk more about it tomorrow."

you insist on helping her walk to the door, afraid she might hit the cement before she'll even make it, but she assures she got it. still, you watch through the window as she fiddles with the keys until unlocking and disappearing inside.

once you're home, all you want to do is hit the bed. maybe put on a show in the background and just doze off to it, but you have to wash off the sweats and grime of today; get cleaned up and dry before settling on your mattress comfortably.

the ding from your phone you've placed on the nightstand after going the entire day of being on silent is what grabs your attention, your neck snapping to the lit-up screen, checking the bundle of messages you missed out on.

4:43 p.m.

kwak yuna: guys! florence is so beautiful!

kwak yuna: *attachment*

song minGi: beautiful for sure, but would be even better in person 🙄

kwak yuna: i told you guys that we should take a trip and i'll pay for half of it, but y'all always too busy to do anything 🙄💅

song minGi: yeah cuz we have something called being poor & have to keep up with jobs and responsibilities. we don't have mommy's and daddy's limitless money to live off of

kwak yuna: stfu 🖕

song minGi: 😜

lee minJi: he's so jealous fr

song minGi: that, i am. i too wish i was in italy rn

jeong yunho: but we really need to catch up soon. how does seoul sound in about a month from now?

kwak yuna: i can do that. starting to really miss home anyways.

jeong yunho: yeah, me and minji can make a trip there as well

song minGi: sounds good to me. now, we just wait for the other two, which is gonna be a good few years

jeong yunho: y/n has her phone on silence during work

song minGi: and yeosang's too good for the rest of us

jeong yunho: pfft

you giggle and roll your eyes the entire time reading through it, checking the latest message that prompted the notification and seeing it was from yuna.

it only makes sense given it's probably still early for her because of the time zone difference.

9:51 p.m.

kwak yuna: no one cares but this is the outfit i'm wearing for today. it's almost 1pm and i'll be heading to the gallery soon.

kwak yuna: *attachment*

song minGi: you're right, no one cares

y/n: in about a month sounds good to me, and seoul sounds even better. i won't have to do any traveling lol. also @ kwak yuna the outfit is super cute! i love the beret! 💕 and @song minGi you're literally annoying 🥱

song minGi: omg jumpscare! she's here to yell @ me

y/n: yessir

kwak yuna: omg y/n! hi!!!!

y/n: hi 🤭

y/n: had my phone on silence and then went out with my coworkers after. but yes, i miss you guys a lot. let's crash at my place next time!

kwak yuna: yes! i'll bring the booze!

song minGi: make sure it's the expensive kind

y/n: that's it, guys. have to sleep. goodnight! 🌙

before you go to set the alarms and really turn off your phone for the night, you catch just a glimpse of mingi's and yuna's conversation, the brief mention of yeosang before it all turns to fun banters again.

of course, most of the works were because of your own efforts and determination in wanting to get better. but the process would've been so much harder had it not been for the friends and support by your side.

the ones who believed in you when you didn't even believe in yourself, and the ones who gave you words of encouragement one after another, and was just there for you through it all.

a few years ago, you didn't think it was even possible to be without mingi or yunho. without their guidance or assistance because then you'd feel so out of place, lost, and completely confused.

but now, you're cities apart from them, and is surviving and doing absolutely okay.

they were so happy when you told them about arin; how alike but also different you two are, and how comfortable everything is with her, because they could rest assured that when they were no longer by your side, you'd be in good hands.

but even if without arin, they had faith in that you could do it by yourself. you'd grown so much within the past years and had no doubts you'd be fine.

they knew they couldn't be with you forever. not all the time at least. eventually, dreams and ambitions will take one of you from the others until you're all in different places one day, and they wanted you to be ready for that.

and it did. yunho sooner than mingi because as soon as he graduated, he followed his heart and moved to busan with minji, his girlfriend, and has been there since.

mingi on the other hand, lived under the same roof as you for a little over a year, attempting to do something with his psychology degree and earn his teaching credentials before moving back to the quiet town to be closer to his parents. he missed them.

who would've ever thought that out of the three, you would be the one who chose to stay back in the bigger city of strobing lights, loud commotions, and a big population when you were anything but that once upon a time.

so you're all in different places.

not just mingi and yunho, but yuna also traveling the world just like she dreamed of. traveling the continents so she can see the beauty the world has to offer; replicate it in her arts and visiting galleries and museums for more knowledge and inspirations.

you're happy for her.

the only person still in town is yeosang, but even he's not entirely reachable, if at all. he's the least active in the group chat and you can't recall the last time you had a proper conversation with him.

he's incredibly busy, you understand.

last you heard, he's juggling the tech job he got during his senior year, along with his master's at seoul national.

you knew someone like yeosang was always destined for greatness and his current standing doesn't fall any short of it. that he was always meant to go to a competitive university and get offered a great job because he's truly gifted and exceptional.

unable to dwell on any more thoughts, you close your eyes and let the weight of today take over, falling into a deep slumber.

waking up and getting ready for work is a repetitive routine.

first, making yourself a nice cup of coffee before getting dressed up and doing your hair, grabbing all necessary files and anything essential before calling a cab because you left your car at the company's parking lot yesterday.

the company's building is mostly in white, the only splash of other colors is the logo in pink plastered right at the front for everyone to see as they enter.

you swipe your id card and head upstairs to your designated working space, surprise to see arin already at hers before you.

"morning," she coos, her early tone friendly as you pass by her cubicle.

"morning," you reply, voice still tired and drowsy to a point, but your friend's perfectly fine appearance has you questioning, "hangover?"

"nope." she shakes her head. "i'm surprisingly fine, and excited for the dinner tonight. i hope you haven't forgotten."

"i haven't, because you've only reminded me like 50 times."

she giggles, a satisfied smile on.

"okay, good. i'll see you during break."

~

"so what exactly is this dinner about?" you ask your friend, seated in the break room right across from each other, the question stopping her from shoving a sandwich down her throat.

the entire week of her bringing up the 'dinner' event and annoying you with it, she never emphasized on what exactly it means. and dinner in the presence of her boyfriend and his apartment, to be exact.

"i don't understand why you'd want to invite me? i mean, shouldn't you guys be spending time alone?" you add on, confused.

"shhh," she shushes you, index finger at her lips and swirling out an exaggerated sigh, "you don't need to know anything for now. just get dressed up and get pretty, okay?"

she ends it with a calming smile, diving right back into her food as you stare at her with daggers.

you swear, if this is another of her attempt at setting you up on a date, you're so not gonna forgive her for it. it will be the third time, to speak.

the third time that you'll have to explain to her why you're not interested and why it didn't work out with you being completely married to your job and just not ready for the next step.

that no matter how fun and exciting the idea of a double date and hanging together is, it is not a priority for you. at least for now.

nonetheless, you get ready, throwing on a casual enough off shoulder ruffle dress that still looks presentable and like you at least tried, along with a pair of flat sandals.

you think that maybe, there's a chance tonight you're all just gonna eat dinner, probably play a game or two after and even catch a late night movie because arin just wants to hang with her boyfriend and best friend.

that you've drilled it enough time in her head that you're not looking for a romantic interest for her to know to not try to persuade you.

a text from her telling you to come when you're ready is what gets you up from the couch, checking your hair just once in the small mirror before heading down the hall and placing two knocks at the door.

your body and nerves still calm one second, and suddenly the next when the frame comes apart to unveil the person behind it and standing before you, you second guess if you're at the right place and time.

if this is some alternate universe where you're seeing things, or if reality is really so cruel to put you through this.

you've come so far and thought you had conquered most of your fears and hauntings, but all it's taking for your palms to start sweating again and feet with the urge to run to safety, is one of your past showing its head and waddling back into your life.

he's as equally surprised and confused, staring at you like he didn't expect this as well, and time stretches on when you two just gawk at each other like a dramatic scene from a movie.

his appalled expression as his eyes enlarges is disgustingly endearing, and you hate the way your body reacts to it.

hate that he looks even better than the last time, his hair now more refined and there's something more mature and manly about his style.

he's in a suit and no longer looks like a college fratboy that enjoys breaking hearts just for fun.

hate that you haven't seen him in practically five years and everything still feels so familiar; all his features so instantly recognizable that you can still imagine the way his lips feel on yours, and how cute dimples would pop out of his cheeks when he smiles.

hate that everything's coming back all at once; when time used to stop and when it was still hard to breathe.

when a beating heart was usually followed by swarm of butterflies in your stomach that you haven't felt in years, and now the sight of him in front triggering the sensation once again.

and you hate the fact that no matter how much pain he had put you through, or how many times he had hurt you to the point you were so sure you were over him, there's a certain fondness you have for him and a special place in your heart that reacts with familiarity.

it feels like the world stopped spinning and everything in the background turning blurry just for the few seconds you two meet again for the first time, although it feels like forever.

"hey, y/n!" yeonjun's voice snaps you back, your gaze skipping over san's shoulder to your friend's boyfriend and you loathe it even more that none of it is a mistake.

that you didn't just happen to wander into the wrong apartment or something.

that the universe is really so unfair and cruel and setting you up for the worst by crossing paths with san again.

"come on in!" he ushers, his tone happy and excited the way you know yeonjun always is, him and your friend completely ignorant to the bubbling tension between you and the boy still standing before you.

you just nod in return, san moving out of the way awkwardly as you finally step in and roam the interior as if you haven't already seen it, trying your best to focus on anything else but the person raising the hair at the back of your neck.

the closing of the door is heard the same time yeonjun switches to introduce you to one another, and you both just humming and bowing with acknowledgement.

act as if this is the first time meeting each other. as if there isn't a history that played a signifcant part in shaping the two of you in becoming the people you are today, and now landing in this situation by some odd twisted fate.

arin and yeonjun just laughing off the awkward and bumbling exchange, brushing it off as no more than two strangers new to each other and moving it to the dining table.

"let's eat first. perfect opportunity to learn about each other," your friend speaks, and all that is going through your mind is which is worse: sitting next to san or across from him. you think the latter.

but the former isn't any better with arin and yeonjun watching the both of you like hawks, unaware that the reason you're both not speaking to each other isn't because of shyness or unfamiliarity.

but they do notice something isn't right; that there might another reason up in the air why the both of you can barely look at each other.

yeonjun with how bold and confident san tends to be, the boy always approaching everything so smugly. and arin in the entirety of knowing you, never had seen you look so tense.

she wasn't gonna do it at first. knows and understands how much you've been telling her it's never gonna work out, the two guys she connected you with from before ending in complete disaster.

but she just couldn't help it this time when her boyfriend started talking about his friend he met in the states finally flying to korea and will be staying with him for a couple of days.

and she especially couldn't help it when she learned he's not only incredibly handsome but also single.

she figured she was doing you a favor, but by the look of your face and body language right now, white in complexion like you just saw a ghost, she thinks you're totally gonna yell at her for this.

"i uhm, i gotta use the restroom," you speak up, lying through your teeth and san can't even blame you for it, honestly even relieved you're the one to initiate.

you wobble the entire way to the bathroom, your legs shaky and your stomach starting to become upset but your chest dropping slightly when you sit on the edge of the bathtub, glad to just be away.

you were doing so good. you were.

you hadn't thought of him in forever and now he just shows up out of nowhere, not even just as a stranger, but as the friend of your friend's boyfriend?

what sick joke is reality trying to play on you right now?

"y/n?" arin's sweet and concerned voice calls from the other side as you attempt to gather yourself to face your friend. tell her why you can't be here and make up something in hope you can leave.

"hey," you say lowly after prying the door open, a forced smile on your lips which arin doesn't buy into.

"you okay?"

"i'm alright. i just... don't feel so good right now," is your excuse, just praying she doesn't start questioning now, because you're not exactly in the time or place to explain everything between you and san.

all the heartbreaks and betrayals, and why you cannot stay here any longer or you'll really break.

"do you want to go home, or?" she's the one to bring up the idea, and you're thankful because you didn't want to be that person.

didn't want to have to break it to her and end the night so soon given how much she's talked about the day, and all the planning and preparation that yeonjun must've put in.

"yeah, i think it's best if i do," you answer, guilt present in your eyes, "i'm sorry i couldn't stay any longer. you guys probably worked hard on dinner."

arin snickers and shakes her head, the reassuring smile on her helps in dissipating some of the guilt.

"don't worry about it. you go ahead, i'll tell yeonjun."

she isn't gonna fight you on it. not when she's never seen you this way, coming off uneasy and absolutely troubled, she's gonna have to get down to the root of it tomorrow.

but for now, she just knows you need to be away.

you barely manage to make it to the door the stealthiest you can, bidding a weak goodbye to yeonjun and zooming out that instant, the frame shut right behind you and your shoulders dropping from the built up suffocation.

you proceed to your apartment, pushing past everything with a thumping heart until you're sitting at the edge of your bed, going on to do the one thing you always do when it's just all too overwhelming--

"mingi, you're not gonna believe this."

you can hear his protests of groans and sighs from the other side, so in character of him because this is usually his nap time.

"i just saw san."

the commotion is loud, the shuffling of body as he sits himself up and tries regaining conscious just to make sure he's not tripping out.

"you're forreal?" he remarks, sounding a lot more awake but still unconvinced.

"yes. he's yeonjun's friend and i don't even know how the fuck they knew each other or why he's here. all i know is arin needs to give up on trying to find me a date," you say in disbelief, recalling the last guy you went out with who left you feeling extremely disrespected and insulted after, and you thought the next one couldn't possibly be any worse.

"wait. so let me get this straight. you two met again because you're friends with arin and he's friends with yeonjun, and arin and yeonjun are dating?"

"yes."

"and yeonjun and you just happen to live under the same complex?"

"well, yes."

"what in the soulmate fuckery is this?"

"pfft," you scoff, throwing your head back into the soft mattress in frustration. "more like a curse. i was doing so good, it's been so long since i'd just... straight freeze up and chicken out, and that's exactly what i did."

mingi churns out a low hum, "no other way else to do it. what? you were gonna shake hands and play catch up with him? asked him what he did after he fucked you over and broke your heart?" he quips.

"well, no," you reply, reframing from growing irritated at your friend for his snarky remark during a time when your ovaries are about to explode. "i just thought i would've handled it a lot better. it's been five years and i haven't thought of him in so long, but one sighting of him and i'm already starting to question all the progress."

the recollection of earlier so vivid, you can almost feel the same sensation of shock and confusion as it numbed your entire body, just standing there like a little deer caught in headlights.

as if time throwing you back to the age of eighteen, still so easily starstruck and defenseless when it came to the charming boy who knew all the right things to say and do but never meant any of it.

who, told you right in the face he didn't want you--which was probably the only time he was being sincere.

last you heard, he had left the country. you didn't know where to exactly, but knew that he left.

you remember hearing about it from mingi the first time, that strange melancholy washing over at the news even though in theory, you should be happy.

mingi said he debated on telling you, having heard it from a friend of a friend, but succumbed eventually because he thought you would like to know, despite the pain and hardships san caused you, there's a part of you the revelation would bring relief to.

you won't have to worry or fret about accidentally running into him anywhere and go through that stage of grief all over again. and most importantly, it might in some ways, make the healing process easier.

"y/n," mingi snaps you out of it, that stern accent in his voice that indicates he's about to go off, "just because you're experiencing strong emotions again doesn't erase all of the progress you've made. you've seriously come so far, so don't undermine it."

"of course you're gonna feel some types of way at seeing san again. you said it yourself that he's someone special because he took so much from you. what matters is how you handle it now, and i know my y/n won't even give him the time of day or entertain his ass, right?"

you take in mingi's words and he's absolutely right. you're overthinking and giving yourself too little credits when you know that there's no way--

"right?! bitch, you better answer."

you roll your eyes.

"i love the faith you have in me," you say sarcastically.

"girl, i love you but that was a rough time."

because you lied and betrayed him the most during your time with san, and now, you just let him make all the jokes and snarky comments he wants. you're all over it.

"no but forreal that was actually kind of eye opening. if this teacher thing doesn't work out, you should totally go back and expand on that psychology degree."

he blows from the other line and you can picture an unamused expression on his face.

"nah, fuck that. i'm done with this school shit for life."

you let him ramble some more about why, no matter how much he enjoys the subject, the life and longevity of being a professional in the field just not for him (or the extra years of schooling) before he brings it back to the initial discussion once more.

and you promise that you won't fold so easily and pathetically ever again in the face of choi san.

you're familiar with how sometimes, by strokes of bad luck, you'd just be having shitty events happen one after another in a single day.

well, you're not gonna risk it and let it be this day, the top of your head peeking out to check the hallway before your entire body is scuttling into the elevator not taking any chances.

fate is already so cruel in placing the man who broke your heart and all, just a few doors down, and if it wanted to smack you right in the face with his chest or broad shoulders, it would've had you not left so quickly.

arin isn't there when you set foot into the office, her cubicle vacant and you continue to yours, sitting down to login and access your email, looking through the files the other team had sent of confirmed products that are soon gonna be launched and on the website a few months from now.

"good morning," your friend's greeting make you turn around, a sweet smile on her face like always, but yours still holding that same silently petrified expression of yesterday.

"hey."

her heels clink the carpet tiles walking closer, brows creasing into a look of sympathy as she asks, "you feeling any better?"

you nod, a barely audible hum leaving to accompany.

"should we talk about it? at lunch?"

because as much as you don't say, she knows there's something in your throat dying to just get out, and she's as equally curious to know.

"after work. we can grab something to eat."

you just don't think it's possible to summarize it all in thirty minutes; the history between you and san, and why you slightly want to pull her hair out because her boyfriend just has to be his friend.

it wasn't her fault, of course. but you're still kind of mad she tried playing cupid again and found the worst possible candidate.

you consider arin one of your best friends and she's told you on plenty occasions the same in return, but you did meet her after everything.

your fall from grace, that is, and quite possibly the lowest point in your life. so it just never came up, despite the impact it had on your growth, you didn't exactly expect you'd have to explain to her why her boyfriend's friend makes you want to hit your head against a wall.

"what? no way!"

your friend's embarrassingly loud volume echoes the whole restaurant and you have to deliver a kick to her leg under the table for the girl to calm with a light flush on her cheeks.

but you suppose there's no other way to react; finding out you too, were in love once and isn't completely the anti-romantic she was gonna write you off as.

"yeah..."

"i'm sorry. i truly am. from now on, i won't do it anymore," the girl swears, having seen it enough for herself at this point how her schemes despite having good intentions, always brings you the worst luck.

and though you've barely just scrapped the surface with san, your reactions were so strong when you saw him again, there's no doubt the guy put you through some fucked up shit.

"it's not like you knew or i ever told you, but yeah, it would be nice for you give up this whole matchmaking gig. you're horrible at it," you tease your friend, a laughter bubbling out when she rolls her eyes in response, quick to jump right back into asking questions.

"but you're okay now?"

"yeah. it's been years. just the shock of the first meeting in so long, i guess."

she nods, her mouth clamped shut because she does feel a little bad even if she didn't know, thinking the chances is crazy.

"he won't be here for long. as far as i know, it's only for a couple days until he finds a place or move elsewhere," she assures, bringing up what she heard from dinner last night because it might make you feel better.

"oh," is all that leaves, not that you're not relieved to hear it, but because there's something else you want to ask. questions lingering in your mind ever since 24 hours ago when you saw he was back.

it's not that you care, but it's really more out of curiosity.

"do you know how yeonjun and him met? or why he's back?" it slips out either way. but he could've been around for a while--the country at least, and last night was just when you so happened to see him.

"they met back in the states, when yeonjun was studying in new york. he haven't told me a lot about it either but i'm guessing it's something to do with his dance studio."

ah, so that's where san moved... new york.

"i see," you simply reply and leave it there, unwilling to ask any more or show the slightest interest in san's whereabouts even if you are intrigued because you know how much yeonjun lives and breathes dancing.

he even managed to open up his own studio, and you may not know a lot about san now or how much he's changed, but you remember his answer whenever you'd tell him to pursue his interest.

you never thought you'd see san and dance in the same sentence ever again.

you try to not let the threats of him distract you, but you still can't help but watch your back and surrounding everytime you leave into the hall, so fearful you're gonna smack or run into him and be left with nothing but the choice to face the ghost of your past.

you're not gonna let him have the power he once had over you, but that doesn't mean you're not dreading seeing him.

he's always been perfectly sculpted and too handsome for his own good, the last few years turning him even more menacing in terms of appearance, it's annoying if anything.

it doesn't have the same effect it used to, your eighteen year old self would've fallen to her knees and make an offering, but now, you can admit he looks good and just move the hell on.

but you still don't want to see him.

a few days of sneaking and hiding around like you're a spy in some undercover movie, you think you've officially lost your mind.

that maybe the universe's done enough damage and has taken a backseat, all your fear and paranoia all for nothing because there's no way you're gonna have to face san.

there's no way that on the day you finally decide to let your guards down and admit you're being overdramatic that you're gonna--

the sound of a door opening just as you close yours pick your head up in that direction, and out of every neighbors it could possibly be, of course it's san because why wouldn't it be?

he has a trash bag in one of his hands just like you and you can't help but to curse yeonjun's name for not taking out his own shit.

the world once again stops spinning and time stands still as both of your gazes burn into each other, his slightly hesitant eyes to your dull ones, just hoping he gets the fucking message.

that it's gonna be fucking awkward and since he still has his door opened, he can go the hell back in. act like this never happened because under any circumstances, you're not gonna talk to him.

you're also not gonna go back in now that it is what it is. you've already come so far and it's been years, it's about time you show than just tell.

show that he no longer has a hold over you and that you're not gonna cower like the once timid person you were.

you start by breaking the staring contest, straightening your posture and begin walking, not bothering to spare him another glance even as you pass right by him.

that it's more than enough signs and he'll just let it go. but it's san after all, and why would you ever expect him to do anything right?

"can we please--"

"--no," you cut him off so fast, his words more triggering than predicted and you can't really believe he's even trying.

"i know that--"

"i don't want to hear it!" you finally turn to him, all kinds of anger and disbelief coursing your face as tears threaten to pour and making your eyes red.

don't want to hear about the heartbreak and lies all over again; how and why you're not the one, and relive the miserable days once more.

"i don't care what you have to say because i don't want to hear it," you go on, voice and legs trembling but persisting nonetheless, "what happened between us is over. it ended, so i'd like it if you can keep it that way because there's nothing else to talk about."

and with that, you're walking away. you don't bother to wait for his response and you don't care to, but the silence protrudes until you hear the door shut behind.

~

"so you're not even a little bit curious in what he has to say?"

"no."

"or what he's been up to?"

"why the fuck would i be?"

"because you gave your pussy to him and he made your heart flutter like no others."

"what the fuck, mingi," you hiss into your phone, "weren't you the one preaching about not even giving him the time of day?"

"no no, of course, fuck that guy. i'm just saying that if he has something to say, aren't you just the slightest bit curious what it is? don't you want to hear about how pathetic and miserable he was during the time apart, or how sorry he is?"

you raise an eyebrow, replying with a perplexed but definite "no."

"okay, i'm proud or whatever," he says nonchalantly, and you can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not.

"there's no need to hear him out and even if he is sorry, i don't care. i'm over that shit and i'm over him."

"yes! so don't let me find out otherwise," he snarks, and you hate that he can't be serious for a second unless you two are at each other's throats and about to start yelling.

"you're annoying. bye."

you hang up, throwing your phone aside and eyes glued to the white ceiling that suddenly has such an entrancing pattern.

surely, you don't care. what he's been up to the past five years, or why he decided to come back.

there's also no reason to hear him out; the last conversation between the both of you more than enough to sum it up. he's hurt and used you beyond belief and that's that.

“i-i just feel like you never tried enough. maybe i’m not fond of who you are currently, but i could learn to–”

“please don’t make it any more harder than this, y/n. you don’t get with someone hoping you can learn to tolerate them… that’s not how it works.”

“you’re a nice girl, y/n. you really are so sweet, and i can see myself with you someday…” he says with a distraught look you will forever remember given how his words make your heart thump, only to then shoot it down, “but not right now…”

you cringe at how pathetic you were, so desperate for his reciprocation as if it was the sole thing keeping you alive and breathing.

but you've been fine and haven't moped about him in probably three years, so you will continue to be fine, whether or not you'll really hear from him, all the things he's been waiting to say.

"any plans for tomorrow?" you casually ask arin during break, your focus on the laptop and skimming through the drafts you've written, you don't catch the very moment she just freezes up tight-lipped.

"i'm going to see a movie," she answers.

"oh?" you nod it off, unsuspecting to the tension uprising and going on to ask in a cool tone, "what movie?"

it's not like you want to be invited; you and arin are perfectly fine being apart and doing your own things from time to time, but it's lunch and it's where you and her usually engage in topics and conversations of all kind just to pass time.

"the new superhero one." she lets a few seconds go by before adding, "with yeonjun."

you freeze in position then, though missing her nervous and anxious tone from before, it all makes sense.

she's gonna be with yeonjun, and with yeonjun comes someone else. she was afraid to bring it up; knows almost everything between you and san by now and knew you were most likely to reject the offer to go to the movie if he's gonna be there.

even if she loves going to the theater with you, the rants and comments after about what you both loved or hated the best part of the entire experience, but she was afraid.

"oh, i see," you dismiss, relaxed tone and a smile like it doesn't affect you. "heard lots of positive reviews about it, you guys are going to enjoy it for sure."

you try not to let the thought bother you for the rest of the day, but it does.

not of arin because you know she's sweet and kind and even asked again before she went home if you're okay with it, and you assured her you are.

she and yeonjun can't possibly cater to you and san just because you both happened to have some intertwined history they weren't even aware of beforehand.

no. you can't stop letting san fuck with your head. surprise?

can't stop overthinking and being spiteful that he was the one who fucked you over, yet you're the one having to accomodate while he's still shameless after all these years.

so he still has some effect on you, but you bet they're not the ability to summon butterflies or make you pink in the cheeks, maybe just red in the face.

because on top of learning to not let everyone step all over you, you also picked up on how to be a bit of a bitch. not your proudest accomplishment but a much needed one for survival.

you shouldn't have to step aside for him, tell him you don't want to talk, or run away as if he's the plague. it's been years, you said it yourself, and there's no reason to not hang with your friend or go see a movie you're interested in just because san is gonna be there.

you roll around in bed until landing in a comfortable position, eventually going to sleep with the thought.

~

"are you sure?" arin asks once again, the soft concerned accent in her voice.

"yes."

you've made your mind overnight, that you're not gonna run or cower. he no longer has ownership over you and you're gonna go see the movie.

"alright. if you really are sure, pick you up at four."

you get ready around three, do your hair and dress up a little just to look somewhat presentable and wait until there's a knock at the door, arin having texted thirty minutes ago you'll all be going in her car since the theater is closer to the complex.

somehow, you're not dreading or feeling even the slightest nervous at having to share a car ride with san or spend two hours at the cinema with him just a couple seats down.

when you do see him out in the hall, his freshly showered hair still wet and he has on a matching grey set of joggers and hoodie, his hands buried inside the pockets of his pants as he lasers you a look of surprise.

he didn't think you'd come because you most likely knew he's gonna go.

the ride down the elevator and most in the car thankfully drowned by arin's and yeonjun's constant chattering, talking like they're never gonna run out of topics.

but it makes the situation all more better and less awkward considering you're sitting in the backseats with san, but your attention out the window the entire time, mind either occupied with their conversation or the low volume music.

"y/n, i heard you got employee of the month again."

the call of your name pulls you away and to yeonjun's eyes as he looks over his shoulder before he blinks and turns back.

"ah, yes i did."

your friend has a habit of telling other people your business, but in her defense it's only because she wants to show you off since you're so great--taken by her word for word.

"arin's told me a lot about your writing," he casually adds, seconds before your friend starts doing what she does best.

"she's the best!" she squeals, and you have to hold back a snicker.

"how'd you get into it? your friend hasn't told me that part, shockingly," yeonjun says, amusement in his tone and taking the chance to tease his girlfriend.

"i--" you start but arin beats you to it.

"she started with a journal or notebook first, i think!"

you don't know whether to find it annoying or endearing, your eyes rolling but lips pulling into a smile.

"yeah," you let your friend have it, but the smile soon fading when you can feel the pair of eyes on you burning from the side, though you won't dare check it for yourself.

you also won't tell them why you started it in the first place, or how much the boy sitting next to you played a part in it.

"we're here!" arin announces, pulling into a parking space.

going to the movies also follows a routine; purchasing the tickets, getting a drink and popcorn if you're up for it, then going to find your seats.

san is seated next to yeonjun, and you next to arin, your eyes occasionally batting from the screen to your friend as she passes comments to her boyfriend when she'd have something to say about a scene.

the situation all too relaxing and calm, just exactly what you need for your mind to destress and just focus on what's happening; whether the characters' motivations or the great worldbuilding.

no need to worry about anything else, your stomach and chest still relaxed, nothing like the situation after the premiere that constricts the both of them as a wave of uneasiness wash over.

now regretting not following after your friend and just lying about having to use the restroom as well, because if you did, you wouldn't be stuck waiting in the hallway with san.

he's standing a feet from you, you can't really tell. but your gaze is nothing but trained on the restroom's doors wishing for either arin or yeonjun to finish fast enough.

but at least you're both kept company by the exit of other people leaving their auditorium, and the ones trying to find theirs.

you think you've done enough of a good job in letting san know you don't want anything to do with him, especially when it comes to compromising or making amends.

that he'd get it by now you don't even want to talk. after this, you both can go back to living separate lives and put on the act of not knowing each other the way it's been.

"congrats on getting employee of the month."

the voice makes you shudder, the reaction you want to give bordering annoyed and angry.

"i already told you i don't want--"

"i know. i know you don't want to hear any of it, and i won't try it now. but i just really wanted to tell you that because you deserve to hear it."

you fume through your nose, not wanting to have to look him in the eyes or give into his attempt at starting a conversation, but you can feel him looking you down, if the uncomfortable ting from the side of your face means anything.

"thanks, but i've heard enough from others to know i deserve it," you reply, your delivery sharp and straightforward, and san can't help but to smirk at that.

he knows he doesn't deserve to be heard; get the chance to explain himself and all the mistakes he's made because then it would be unfair to you.

calling them mistakes would be downplaying all the hurt and pain he's put you through, because at the time, it was his choice to make them. his choice to deceive and lie to you when he never had any sincere intentions.

he isn't proud of them, but that was who he was, and he owns up to the fact he was so horrible back then. undeserving of sympathy, affection, or being loved, and yet, you still gave him all three with your entire heart.

he can't say he deserves it now either despite some life altering decisions and soul searching, but he can say he's less of a shitbag to some extent.

still, your forgiveness is something he don't think he'll ever rightfully deserve.

another thing still the same is how much he likes everything about you, and seeing you again after all these years; after how much you've changed, he might like you even more.

no longer the soft spoken and afraid girl always holding back, but now with a sharp tongue and snippy attitude that speaks her mind.

who, different from the last time he saw you years ago, has on a new distinct style to complement the woman you've become--your hair always perfectly curled at the tips, your makeups more bold and edgy, and you don't shy away from showing any skin.

you walk around with more confidence without coming off arrogant, san still able to see the sweet and kind girl even through all the changes because that will always be who you are at the core--someone too easy to fall for and like.

"i have to apologize for the inconvenience, but just one more day and you won't have to worry about running into me anymore. i'll be staying somewhere else until i get approved for a place myself," he announces to utter silence, you standing there and not knowing what to say.

when the tense air stretches on, he speaks again, "also, i hope you'll be willing to hear my apology out even if just once. not for me and all my excuses, but because you deserve it. that's all."

you open your mouth, another dismissive comment about to slip about the wrath of being arin's and yeonjun's friends unavoidable but a buzz in the pocket of your jeans cut it short.

your eyes widen and lips pulled into an amused smile at the person who finally texted back, san catching the displayed name just right before you put it away at arin's return.

kang yeosang: hey, i'm so sorry for not answering sooner. i keep knocking out after school or work 🤦 but i'm doing great actually lol, and i hope you are too. would you like to meet up tomorrow? i'll finally be off and will have some time.

you've been here a couple of times, the cafe with a warm toned brown as its primary color, and menu and size two times bigger than the smaller one back at university.

you don't come often, but you do always feel welcomed. the aesthetics pleasing to the eyes and the staffs always friendly with warm smiles.

yeosang is seated at the corner, a small two person table, and his smile at the sight of you also makes you feel so warm.

"hey," you greet, pulling the chair as you take a seat.

"hey," he returns, unable to help the giggle that follows after, finding something so amusing about finally seeing each other again after four months despite being the only two still in the same city.

there's not a lot about him that has changed, except he's risen higher than any of you, but he's still just as handsome, welcoming, and obviously meant for bigger and better things.

but with yeosang, it is always so pleasant and safe.

in another reality; an alternate universe somewhere out there, you think yeosang might've been the one for you. even if he's too perfect for his and your own good, you'd come around to the idea that you do deserve someone like him.

someone who was such a mystery at first and had you believing he was the biggest asshole to walk the planet only to completely prove you wrong.

someone who showed patience time and time again that he was willing to wait, because he had so much love and sincerity to give if you were to accept his heart.

it was the perfect enemies or friends to lovers, and oh... it would've been so beautiful. it was quite close to the kind of fairytale love you always imagined; something too unrealistic and borderline delusional, but yeosang was real and ready to make it happen.

you never did give him your heart, though there was no rejection or denial. it just happened...

he waited for you, never pushy or pressuring, always so understanding of the fact you were healing and needed time. admitted to having a 'little' crush on you and whenever you were ready, you could consider.

you kept it in thought, then a month turned into three, and three turned into six, then a year, and suddenly you realized you had put it on the back burner for two years already.

it's not that you didn't like him. of course you like him, but you just weren't sure if you liked him like that.

so when he started acting off; not cold or indifferent, but actually smiling more and his head always somewhere else, it all made sense when a new face started to show at the pc shop on the regular.

yeosang met someone else.

and truthfully, you couldn't be any happier for him, because he deserved someone who wanted to be with him and who will love him in that moment.

every time your two best friends asked why you let a man of yeosang's caliber slip right out of your hand, you were never able to give them a definite answer, unsure of it yourself.

you guys were great friends and meshed so well together even without all the budding romance, and you didn't see why that needed to change--you suppose.

you had assured him it was all good and fair, that it is so natural for feelings to develop and for some to die out, especially over a long period--he needed to just go for it.

you like to think you earned another lifelong friend, even if he's busy most of the time and you'll be seeing each other at most only four times a year.

"want to order something first?" you suggest, quirking an eyebrow.

he hums with a nod, arms crossed in a relaxed manner.

you both order no more than two cups of americano, the taste of the black style coffee something you used to dislike because of the lack of sweetness, but yeosang got you growing fond of it after a while.

"how's everything?" you start again, "the job? school? other things?" you let just the faintest smirk cross your lips, much to the mirth on yeosang's.

"i want to say good but it's all really just a pain in the ass. the job and school, that is."

you snicker and he does the same, your frame slightly leaning over the table before passing a comment, "at least other things are going well."

"yeah." he smile. "but school will be over soon and that'll be that. the lead in my department likes my work enough so hoping for a promotion around the corner."

"you'll get it. for sure."

you both thank the waiter after the drinks' arrival, one of your hand fidgeting at the handle of the cup watching as he takes a sip.

"but i'm excited to be seeing everyone else the next month or so," he says, his turn be the one to watch.

"me too. we'll do karaoke, play stupid games, and maybe just drink a little."

you were also never great with alcohol but you've built more tolerance for it over the years given how your friends are.

"yeah, a little," yeosang quips, and you both giggle, knowing it's never just a small amount with mingi and yuna before they'd want everyone else to get as equally wasted.

"and you? anything new?" he asks, much to the fall of your expression as you begin fighting with yourself internally.

decide on whether you should or should not tell him of the tragedy that struck just a couple of days ago; the one that sent you five years back and to a place so dark.

but it's yeosang, and he will understand. he always does.

"i uh, i ran into san again," you break it sharp and quick, his relaxed face and posture tensing up.

"oh? what the fuck."

"yeah. he's friends with arin's boyfriend and it's an unbelievable amount of fuckery."

"thought he was being a dickhead somewhere else, and not in the country," yeosang takes a jab, always squeezing in the opportunity to do so, because he really does think san is such a horrible person.

he don't know how much the man's come to grovel, but for one to act like that and hurt another the way he did, it takes some malice at the core.

"he did meet her boyfriend while somewhere else," you enlighten, the fact not one you're happy to know about or tell.

yeosang quiets for a second, asking hesitantly, "did he tried talking to you?"

you nod, much to his expectation.

"yeah. but i shot him down the first time, and the second... i don't know. we talked but he didn't try apologizing or anything."

“also, i hope you’ll be willing to hear my apology out even if just once. not for me and all my excuses, but because you deserve it. that’s all.”

"and do you want him to apologize?" he asks, his voice stern and serious.

you freeze up at the question, all this time talking so big about not wanting to hear from san or whatever because he's hurt you enough, but you really don't know.

it's been years and you've moved on, but you do acknowledge the part of you that reserves a special place for him; him who was your first love and was once something you held on a pedestal.

"it would take a lot more than an apology for what he did," you answer, lacking just the smallest confidence.

"no, of course it's gonna take more than an apology. he did a lot of shitty things to you, but you shouldn't hear him out for the purpose of forgiveness, but because it's the least he can do for the hurt he's caused you. the apology isn't about him, but you."

yeosang's words stays with you for the rest of the day, and it doesn't get any better--mingi's also comes back as a haunting, making you turn and toss in bed.

“so you’re not even a little bit curious in what he has to say?”

“no.”

“or what he’s been up to?”

“why the fuck would i be?”

“no no, of course, fuck that guy. i’m just saying that if he has something to say, aren’t you just the slightest bit curious what it is? don’t you want to hear about how pathetic and miserable he was during the time apart, or how sorry he is?”

then what san said back at the theater also makes a reappearance, each of them taking turn to mess with your head and rethink: are you okay with never knowing what san was gonna say?

maybe it isn't gonna be as deep or remorseful as you hope, but he very clearly wants to say something to you, and you have to make a choice between finding out what it is or live your life with the mystery in mind.

you hate to say it, but you think the latter might be more painful, your mind always so itching and curious.

you might need to talk to him tomorrow, for just one last time.

you wake up way too early for your own good, not even urgent to get ready for work for another hour.

but you need to talk to san. make it quick and over with, then go on your own way like it's been.

you're barely a step out, the door not even closed yet when you can feel something under your slipper, glancing down to see you've stepped on a white envelope... addressed to you and from san, the date almost from a year ago.

you open it, seated on your couch and with a racing heart.

dear y/n,

i am finally writing this letter. i’ve sat down many times attempting to do so, sometimes barely able to get through the first line and sometimes i’ll read the first paragraph i wrote only to throw it away, completely unsatisfied. but it’s been four years–at least at the time that i’m writing this–that i’ve last seen you. four years since we saw each other and we probably won’t for a very long time, if ever.

it would be a miracle for me if i was to ever cross paths with you even just one more time, but it would be a tragedy for you because i’d like to think fate wouldn’t be so cruel to put you through that. so i write this letter with the thought that you would most likely never see it, but i did promise myself that if fate really is that cruel and we were to cross paths again, i would give it to you. it’s a bit selfish of me, but it’s because i know the chance of ever seeing you again is close to none. but it’s also everything i’ve ever wanted to tell you; say to you. i want to apologize sincerely, even though it’s a little too late. in a way, this letter is also an outlet for me and my thoughts.

it’s been about a year since i’ve graduated and around this time of the year, i always get a little sentimental. could be because i’m so far away from home so it’s only natural, but i know it’s because it’s summer and i tend to associate the season with you. we did a lot together and you opened some parts of me i couldn’t say or admit at the time.

you would always used to tell me to just try whenever i didn’t see the worth in doing something and i honestly just dismissed it because it sounded silly and quite cliche. i thought it was ironic coming from someone so shy and timid who always looked at the world with so much fear in her eyes. now, i’m starting to understand the amount of courage it must’ve taken you to even go out of your comfort zone. i realized, i was so much of a coward in comparison despite thinking i was the hottest shit at the time.

i always ran, but you never did. i was so scared of anything new and unfamiliar but you always faced them even when there’s a likely chance of failure. i treated you like shit and you still wanted to love me. i think about it often… why are you this way? but i won’t ever know because i never put in the efforts to get to know you beyond what you could offer me. you always asked about me but i never did the same in return.

if i could redo everything, i would want to hear your story. i would love to read anything you write. i said i would, but i never did.

i’m in the states, i’m sure somewhat and somehow you probably already know that (or you probably don’t because you don’t care anymore, which is fair). i left right before the start of the second semester during sophomore year. it was a big decision for sure, but i needed the change. things were already getting stale and repetitive, and you know me… i am not one to stick in one place for too long. i will always run, and so i ran to the states to live with my sister.

other than the fact i was born there and half of my family resides there, at that point, there was nothing left for me in korea. i didn’t have much to lose if i were to fly across an ocean and start anew.

wooyoung had already cut contact with me by then and any friends close to genuine i’ve ever had were all from associations with him. soon after, i realized anyone i still talked to were all phonies who i only hung around during parties and stupid rendezvous, with the exception of jongho. he got into yonsei, by the way. if you didn’t see him pestering you on campus, you probably already picked that up. he sent me a message a few months ago to come back and attend his graduation but i told him to fuck off because he didn’t attend mine either. good for him, though. he’s a smart kid.

but yeah. wooyoung’s a good person even if he grew up privileged. it’s what makes him such a people magnet. he was the most genuine friend i’ve ever had and the one who stuck by me for the longest. i really took him for granted and it only hit me when i lost him.

you are fortunate to have someone like mingi and yunho who seems very protective. i was a little scared when wooyoung warned me about mingi because he threatened to knock me out if he ever sees me. he’s much taller than me, so i don’t doubt it.

i know i sound miserable so far, but i am actually doing pretty okay… unfortunately. you probably don’t want to hear that and wish i was suffering, but i’ve suffered for maybe two and a half years before i finally felt somewhat content and okay, if that will make you feel any better.

the states is different and the people are as well. i’ve got to experience a lot of new things for a change.

when i transferred, i still didn’t know what to do. the clock was ticking and there was only so little time before i had to pick a field. i ended up going into dance performance, and of course i thought of you. when i found a passion for it again, i thought of you. and when i graduated last year with a fine arts degree, i thought of you… all because i knew you would be the happiest to hear about it.

whenever anyone asked me why i don’t want to come back home, i would always tell them what i told you: because there’s nothing left there for me. but one of the biggest reasons why i didn’t want to come back was because it reminded me of you too much. that, coupled with other factors, just makes it so much harder for me to want to return. it feels like reopening old emotional wounds that i have no one else to blame for but myself.

but my junior year, i met someone named yeonjun because we shared the same major. i get nostalgic sometimes because he often reminded me of wooyoung. speaking of wooyoung again, i sent him a similar letter but in email form a while ago, though not as long, and he said he was happy to hear from me again. i wasn’t sure if he was going to reply at all because it was an old email and i assumed he probably wanted nothing to do with me and that was official. but he replied pretty fast and said if i ever returned to korea, he doesn’t mind catching up. he went into business and said it’s something he actually really enjoys.

yeonjun is cool though, and like a less annoying version of wooyoung. he was also a transfer but had been here longer than i have. he met his girlfriend online who’s living in south korea and so after he graduated, he went back right away and said he was going to attempt to open his own studio. just about a month ago, he called me and said it’s almost done and he would be recruiting. he wants me to come back and help him and i’ve been giving it some consideration because i’m not doing much here back at the states either.

i was hesitant at first, of course. all for the reasons i’ve already stated, but all i ever do i run and even i’m growing tired of it. no matter how many bad memories the place holds, it is still home and my motherland after all.

anyways, i apologize for rambling. the letter is getting way too long, but my point is, i might’ve started liking you at one point. not in the casual way that our relationship was, but actually really like you. i don’t know. now that i’m older, it’s true that the love you’ve given me was something i was not ready for at that time and age. and now, it’s everything i wish i have. funny how time really does change a person.

i hope you are doing good for yourself, and i’m so sorry if you ever get the chance to read this letter.

– choi san

you don't even register you're crying despite the burning in your eyes until a lone tear stains the last page.

your heart and emotions so conflicted but also whole, unable to help the warmth and love that wraps your body even for just a moment.

because san felt something. through all of the lies and deceit, there were some sincerity, because an even bigger question you had all these years was whether he ever meant any of it.

when he kissed you, fucked you, and looked at you, you always wondered if there was something else behind his actions--if even the smallest of liking you--not for what you could offer him, but for being yourself.

your weakness always having been too easily touched and moved, particularly when swayed by the name of choi san that you're already at yeonjun's doorstep with the letter still in your clutch.

your beating heart still loud but ready to face him with everything.

"oh, hey."

it's yeonjun and he's both surprise and happy at the sight of you, but definitely questioning of the puffy red eyes.

"i-is san here?" you ask in the most vulnerable tone he's ever heard from you, raising an eyebrow in return.

"he left just a while ago."

yeonjun doesn't get to interrogate the reason why you're asking or is at his door so early in the morning looking like you just had a breakdown, only watching in silence as you scuttle into the elevator.

you don't know how long he's been gone exactly (you really should've asked), but there's a chance he might not have gone far; you might still catch him if--

you thought you were prepared and ready, but when you actually see him, your body just kind of goes into shock.

he catches your nervous gaze, so scared before but relieved the instant he sees you--standing up from where he was waiting as you walk over.

the lobby still with some people and their chitters, but the air around both you and san so thick with a silence that you're desperate to break.

"yeonjun told me you left a while ago... i thought you were most likely gone," you speak, so shy and nervous all of a sudden, but determined nonetheless.

"yeah. i-i was going to, but i told myself if i don't see you within the next hour, then i'll really go. forget all of it."

it might be the first time he's ever stuttered in front of you, your heart once again somersaulting knowing he was waiting for you.

"oh..."

as much as san's gotten better, he will always be a little selfish. he knows he absolutely does not deserve your forgiveness or even to be talking to you, but you are someone special to him.

someone he didn't even think he'd get to ever meet again unless by some miracle, and for it to actually happen, it must be some sign.

that he at least need to try and fight before completely giving it up. just one hour, and if you didn't show, he'd let it be. take that as an answer and leave you alone forever.

"w-where are you going to be staying?" you attempt to carry a casual conversation.

"wooyoung," he answers, mouth forming into a smile you love all too much. "he said i can stay for a month before he'll kick me out."

you giggle and he does so, too, your eyes meeting momentarily as another silence fly by.

"i got your letter," you finally say, the one thing that was sitting on your chest so heavy.

he only nods, posture and everything about him so awkward, because it is.

admitting to your own fuck-ups is never easy, and especially when those fuck-ups messed with the lives of people. he is ashamed and embarrassed, to say the very least.

when he doesn't say anything, you try again, only getting as far in your sentence at the first "i'm..." before the emotions get the better of you--the crack in your voice and the waterwork.

san's hands are on you that instant, his hands wiping at your tears, and you think you're going to cry even more at the proximity; he's so close and it feels so wrong.

"i'm... i'm just so happy," you let it out, your gaze holding his and at the way he softens, you think you could die.

not just that he's incredibly handsome, but it's always been so easy to fall for him and want to give your all. like you can understand why your eighteen year old self wanted him so bad.

"i'm so happy that you liked me then," you finish off, a tad dramatic but thankful there isn't a lot of people in the lobby so early in the morning.

"i still like you now, y/n," he replies almost immediately, so much passion and sincerity in his voice, because he wants you to know that. he does like you.

"i was so stupid and immature and a complete dick. i am still a lot of those things, but god... you were amazing. you still are. and i had it so good and took it for granted. i just want to say, i am sorry... for everything. i already wrote it in the letter, but i want you to hear it, too, that i truly am so sorry."

the way you look at him the entire time too endearing; something he used to hate. your gaze always so attentive as if he holds the stars in them.

your lips are slightly pouting and if he was the man from before, he would've already kissed them. take them for himself and not care whether you wanted it or not.

but he already swore that he will no longer be crossing boundaries or doing anything just for his own self fulfillment.

you're about to say something but is cut off by the ringing of his phone, greatly saddened when he takes his hold off your face to fumble his pocket, taking a single glance at it.

"it's wooyoung. probably to complain because i told him i would be coming like twenty minutes ago."

you nod in understanding, mumbling, "you can go."

he exhales and looks down at you.

"i know this wasn't the best time and place to talk, but... if you want, just if you're okay with it... maybe we can talk again another time? no pressure, of course."

he waits for the stoic expression on you to turn into a smile as you respond with a soft, "i would love that." pausing just before adding, "my number is still the same."

"got it," he says, trying the hardest to hide a smile you can still see. the both of you just waiting in spot after because it's hard to leave.

"are you still gonna come visit yeonjun?" you suddenly ask, much to san's amusement, he can't help the smirk.

"yeah."

"okay, cool," you reply nonchalantly, acting the most aloof as your eyes shy away from his.

"then can i also ask you something?"

"go ahead."

he clears his throat, taking the shortest pause.

"are you seeing yeosang?"

you pinch in your brows at the question, puzzlement all over your face before breaking out a chuckle.

"no."

and if you are to ask him, he probably will never admit to the uneasiness ever since he saw yeosang's name pop up on your phone.

yeosang's a great guy and a perfect fit for you, but dare he say it, san would be heartbroken.

"okay, cool," he mimics you, eventually rubbing at the back of his neck, "gonna head out then. i'll see you."

"yeah. i'll see you."

you watch as he disappears into the distance, sparing another glance at the letter still in your hold, only shaking your head going back up the elevator to get ready for work.

damned choi san and the hold he still has over you.

a/n: dksdskdjfksi it is finally over!!! truly ty to everyone who stuck around even with all the bullshit bc i couldn't make up my mind half of the time. i did the yeosang girlies the dirtiest but believe me when i say we were SO CLOSE to a yeosang endgame. if anyone is interested in that, i would be happy to respond in an ask or reply. but they did have so much potential, i'm sorry sdlksijdkjsdl

again, ty 4 reading and have a wonderful rest of your day/night! onto better things, we go.

taglist: @sorryimananti-romantic @revehosh @cookiechristie @avantalem @atiny68 @sannwa @shibera @mochibabycakes @justineasian @eastleighsblog @baguette-atiny @crimson-mia @yeosxxx @sleepychimm @atz-diary @diorwoo @naiify @becauseiloveyunho @damagelove @softie00 @s-nsanshine @atinytinaa @moonseonghwa @lemontreefantasy @wooyoung4eva @yeosangsbiceps @likexaxdaydream @knucklesdeepmingi @barbielibra @tmtxtf @brown88 @harusoraa @frankenstein852 @yujispinkhair @mermaid17venus @nolxverlikeme @writersun @kkayfan @wooyoungjpg @galaxypox @byunniebaekhyunnie @vixensss @interweab @svintsandghosts @moonchele @atinyluv238

#ateez angst #ateez x reader #san x reader #choi san x reader #san angst #ateez series #fic: broken

[gaiaseyes451]

A Little Life - Chapter 9 - Dreams & Reality

Rated: E, Words ~59k/~71k. 9/12 Chapters. Read the tags!

OMG Look at this amazing illustration @fuzzygoblin made for this chapter! I have stared at this gorgeousness for so long, and I love the three little easter eggs (angel wings, a nightingale and a Bentley symbol) she's hidden in here. *Melts* thank you so much!! <3

Chapter Excerpt (Read on AO3):

Anthony wandered, no obvious destination or intention in his direction. He stopped to pluck a gardenia blossom, freed the sweet potato vine in one of the planters that had entangled itself in a neighbouring boxwood, played with the snapdragons—gently pulling open the petals and allowing them to spring shut. In the fading light Ezra could not help but see the deepening lines around his eyes and mouth—laughs lines warring with those from frowns and scowls. Despite always having been tall and lean Anthony had never looked thin but his slender frame was beginning to hint at delicacy. The willowy, lithe limbs that had once been equal measures graceful and gangly now displayed the onset of frailty. The sharp wit and unapologetic curiosity that had once ignited his amber eyes was becoming a rare treat instead of a reliable companion.

Sparks where there had once been fire.

He had aged so far beyond his years, so unjustifiably fast.

How long until embers, and then, ashes?

The soft click of the door behind Ezra opening startled him. Adam and Evelyn stepped out onto the terrace and stood on each side of him, crossing their arms behind his back.

*~*~*

Summary:

When Professor of Botany Anthony Crowley met bookshop owner Ezra Fell one November afternoon both knew their lives had irrevocably changed. From that moment forward, Anthony and Ezra��s existence was intertwined. Their story was written in the moments and memories they created as they moved through life’s chapters of coming together, building a family and facing the challenges of being human. This is a story of unconditional love and the joy and humour, obstacles and grief that inevitably come with choosing the same person, day after day, over and over and over again.

*~*~*

A huge thanks to @goodomensafterdark for the writers community. And an extra special thanks to @hakunahistata and @the-literal-kj for beta'ing this story. Finally, a huge thanks to @fuzzygoblin for the song prompt that inspired this work

#mind the tags #human au #good omens #good omens fanfiction #good omens fanfic #ineffable husbands #aziracrow #good omens 2 #good omens fic #good omens after dark #aziraphale #crowley #writers of after dark #best beta's ever!

[ohnoitstbskyen]

Hello, I've been watching your content for a while. While I quit League a long time ago I still hold partial interest to Runeterra's lore, (such as it is) . In particular I really enjoy Bilgewater in general as well as Illaoi and Ezreal as individual characters and I've enjoyed your takes on said things. (Also fuck Demacia) And I wanted to ask you, after so much dissillussionment from Riot's content, in particular from the latest "cinematic" , how they have always prioritized e-sports and skins over actually giving the lore a proper direction and conclusion or how Legends of Runeterra is getting downsized and unlikely to last much longer, why do you still do League content? You are clearly very critical of a lot of the decisions the higher ups do that affect the output of artists and writers in charge of Runeterra's universe and character designs. And there has not been much sign of improvement since a lot of your points. It's like screaming into a brick wall at this point, so why not move on?

Why not spend your time on something that doesn't lead its fans along with empty promises, breaking them, promising to do better next time and then repeating the cycle all over again for years like an abusive relationship. Beyond doing it because it's what you're most well known for, why stick with content that you know will keep disappointing you?

I'm glad you are diversifying your content but I personally feel your passion for art, animation and writing analysis would be better spent away from League and into more games beyond that (in particularly really liked your take on "Despite everything, it's still you" from Undertale). The indie scene in particular is chock full of incredible and unique takes in terms of character design and narratives I'm sure you will enjoy. League is clearly not worth the time for people who are into the lore, art and setting of videogames anymore. I hope I wasn't too personal or intrusive with my question. Cheers.

So that's a very long question. I'll start with the short and cynical answer:

I am doing League of Legends content because that is what my audience wants, and that is what makes me most of my money.

My channel is a League of Legends channel primarily, the algorithm likes it and pushes it that way, and League of Legends is an absolutely enormous intellectual property with an absolutely enormous player base, which means there's a big audience for my content about the game. A large audience means more engagement, means more ad revenue, more sponsorship opportunities, more subscribers, and so on and so on.

That's the cynical part of the answer. I don't want to sidestep it with some guff about "being passionate about the subject," because the truth of my job is that it is a job. I'm not sailing freely on the oceans of creative impulse pursuing my bliss, I'm trying to pay my rent and my pets veterinarian bills and pay down loans and have enough left over to help my friends when they need it.

I approach this job much the same way I approached being a freelance illustrator - having passion for the subject is a nice bonus, but you don't always need it to do good and valuable work.

And with the cynicism out of the way... I also just genuinely love the fucking League of Legends universe. With all its many, many stupid flaws and its garbage corpo owner and its years of systematic neglect and the constant disappointment, god help me, I still love this stupid shit. And when management gets out of the way and lets the good writers at Riot be good at their goddamn jobs, amazing things can happen.

The Ashe: Warmother comic is still such a beautiful short narrative work, with such visual verve and empathy for the characters it's depicting.

It zeroes in so acutely on the idea that Ashe and Sejuani are shaped by their difficult relationships with their mothers, and that THAT is ultimately the difference that drives them apart when they should by rights have had the chance to be sisters. When they become warmothers of their own tribes, it is the memory of their mothers that drive them, and just as the Freljord is divided by generations of strife engineered by Lissandra, the matriarch of the whole region, that generational trauma resonates into Ashe and Sejuani and sets them against each other.

Or Ekko's short story, where he has been accepted to the fancy Piltover academy that's supposed to be his golden ticket out of poverty, his chance to escape Zaun, everything his parents have worked their whole lives to give him, and...

Like, FUCK, you can't just invent these silly cartoon muppets to throw at each each other in your dumb MOBA beat 'em up and then give them INTERIORITY like this??? Apply their silly cartoon powers in way that explores their emotional difficulties and works thematically with their internal philosophies?

god dammit I love this stupid game's universe, I cannot be saved, leave me and go before it infects you too!

#tb answers #league of legends #ekko lol #ashe lol #ashe league of legends #sejuani

[thatdogmagic]

The "NSFW = Easy Mode" Post

We all know this post. We all know this complaint. NSFW artists have faced it the entire time we've spent drawing.

Aside from being hugely denigrating towards a very legitimate craft, there are multiple fallacies involved in the argument.

Let's start off with the most obvious, the very real phenomena of getting visible traction on social media sites. Namely, to say that, LIKES/RTS DO NOT TRANSLATE TO FINANCIAL STABILITY. Working your ass off does. NSFW artists who make it their livelihood churn out an absurd amount of work to stay relevant, constantly have to work outside of comfort zones, and face steep competition.

Next, the argument presumes that all NSFW is created equal. It's not. For example: mlm, that is to say, men loving men, will earn you much more traction than wlw, women loving women, and mlm involving trans bodies will earn you much less traction than the cis standard. Additionally, your audience for any of those things is NEVER guaranteed.

It places porn an erotica on the same footing, which is also enormously wrongheaded. Porn has an almost singular focus on secondary sex characteristics, and will rush straight to the point at every given opportunity; erotica is holistic, and doesn't even really have to show genitalia in order to hit its mark, if it's written and framed correctly.

To be clear: both of these things take an enormous amount of skill. It is not something you just learn to do overnight. Good, illustrated porn requires an understanding of action, anatomy, perspective, and all sorts of other technical skills that are often beyond even very adept artists.

With erotica, technical prowess is less of a focus. It's more on character art, scene setting, and story (be it implied by imagery or written in). I don't need to explain the level of expertise this requires, not the least of which is being a good writer, which is fully beyond a lot of peoples' grasp. It's a whole different skill, and being good at erotica is tough for even industry professionals. Many are embarrassingly bad at it.

The other bullet points, I outlined in a Twitter rant, but here they are:

NSFW artists face logistical hurdles SFW artists don't. Namely: we don't know when the site we're posting on will ban NSFW content.

We can be randomly banned/shadowbanned from a site whose rules are not especially clear (Tumblr), and whose filters are garbage. We can also have our work deboosted and effectively removed from circulation because we didn't label a nipple appropriately (Tumblr still thinks a female-presenting nipple is 100% sexual).

We can have our funding cut at random, for seemingly arbitrary reasons.

We face a host of degrading comments and overfamiliar clients.

NSFW artists working commissions have to take on work they're not personally very interested in. This takes way more work and fortitude than anyone is willing to admit. If you're commissioned for a fetish you don't like, you still have to make it look hot for the person who commissioned you. If you don't think that takes extra effort, IDK what to tell you.

We are constantly subjected to arrogant shitbags saying they can just jump in and make bank, because Site Number Went Up that one time.

Bottom line is the 'I should just do furry porn I guess' joke is not a joke. It's not funny. It's just you showing your ass, and insulting your friends/colleagues, who do very hard work for very little reward.

#art #art psa #queer #lgbtq

[redgoldsparks]

I've never won National Novel Writing Month, but I am participating for my 7th time (not consecutively) this year. In the past I've always enjoyed receiving the Pep Talks from published authors, which are essentially like letters of encouragement to all of the writers trying to pour out the first draft of a novel in a month. A few of the ones I read, especially in my first year of doing NaNo, really stuck with me so I was very delighted to be asked to contribute one this year. You can read my Pep Talk here on the NaNo site but I will also post the full text below the cut. And to anyone doing NaNo this year-- good luck and keep writing!

instagram / patreon / portfolio / etsy / my book / redbubble

I wanted to be a writer long before I knew I had anything to say. 

I had a childhood immersed in stories. My parents took me to the local library every week, where I checked out stacks of fantasy novels. I would pick up any book with a dragon, elf, sword, castle, wizard, or spaceship on the cover and my heroes were the authors and illustrators of these magical worlds. 

At some point I started to wonder about these writers. Who were they? What were their lives like? I began to pay more attention to author’s notes and was astonished to discover that many authors I loved mentioned each other in their acknowledgements. In The Ladies of Grace Adieu, Susanna Clarke thanked Neil Gaimen, Terri Windling, Ellen Datlow, and Charles Vess. In Stardust, Gaimen thanked Clarke in return, and also Diana Wynne Jones. Ursula K Le Guin and Robin Hobb wrote blurbs for Patrick Rothfuss’ Name of the Wind. In Finder, Emma Bull thanked Terri Windling, Steven Brust, and her husband, Will Shetterly. Tamora Pierce, George RR Martin, Peter S Beagle and Kelly Link all blurbed books by Ellen Kushner, who thanked more people than I have space to name. 

Holy shit, I realized. All of these authors know each other! They’re friends! This was followed by a second thought: If I want to meet them, and especially if I want to be friends with them, maybe I should publish a fantasy novel myself. 

That realization gave me a new goal, but no specific pointers on how to pursue it. I started out as many young authors do: I began writing long fantasy narratives with orphaned protagonists, extremely derivative of the fantasy I’d read as a teen. During multiple successive NaNoWriMos I chipped away at a YA novel about a boy and a dragon. I started drawing a webcomic about a thief who tried to rob a monastery only to be foiled by a witch with the same plan. These stories had characters, settings, and some plot but what they didn’t have was themes. They didn’t ask any questions about what it means to be human, and they didn’t touch on any of the big concerns I was wrestling with in my personal life: gender, sexuality, and identity. 

It took the rather painful experience of a literary agent telling me my fantasy work was unpublishable before I set my early stories aside, stepped back, and changed the direction of my writing towards exploring the big, vulnerable themes I had been shying away from. 

What I discovered is that instead of making writing harder, facing these themes head-on made writing easier. In my earlier work I had frequently hit writing blocks, places in my outlining process where I felt like I was wading through mud. When I didn’t know what I was trying to say on a meta level with my story it was often hard to decide what should happen next at the plot level. I would send my characters from location to location, but I’d be unsure of what they should do there, because I was unclear on how their actions added up to a larger picture. That feeling of being stuck and uncertain over what should come next fell away when I started focusing more clearly on expressing my bigger themes. Suddenly the path forward felt smooth. All it took to follow it was bravery and persistence. 

I also achieved my initial goal in wanting to be a writer. I have now met and befriended many other authors, not the same set that I idolized as a teen, but different writers who are exploring many of the same themes and questions in their work as I do in mine. I have friends, colleagues, co-authors, and writing partners to thank in my acknowledgements– often more than I have space to name. 

During this month, I know many of you are focused solely on pouring out the words. That is very important, but I recommend you take some time to think about the larger themes of your story as well. What message, hope, fear, question, or truth are you trying to communicate to the world through your writing? I promise that clearly articulating your themes will help you tell your story and find the friends and writers who will become your community. 

Good luck, and know that I am writing alongside you, and rooting for you! 

Maia Kobabe, Fall 2023

#maia kobabe #nanowrimo #nano 2023 #national novel writing month #writing

[tiredly101]

The past can hurt part 1

Pairing: Wally Darling x Writer!Male reader

New Neighbor Masterlist

Illustrated Au, picture done by @kandavers. Hey peeps, I love the art of this person that I tagged so please show them some love because their drawing style of so cute!

First day of 1974

Wally was walking comfortably with M/n, M/n had been acting more anxious lately which normally happened when he had writer's block.

"Hey, my love" M/n started before trailing off and looking at Wally to then look at the floor which made Wally give him a loving smile and interlock their hands in a reassuring way.

"Well, I was wondering what if... We aren't real and this is a show, like the ones Sally do?" M/n finally asked before looking at Wally who cooed in a playful way while holding M/n's chin lovingly.

"And who would be running the show, hmm?" Wally asked in a playful tone while giving loving smile to M/n who return it in a weak way.

"Well what if it's Home-" M/n started asking before a coughing fit started out of nowhere while unknowingly Home's eyes concentrated on M/n in a angry stare. “Love?” Wally said worried at the sudden coughing fit that M/n started having saying to then his eyes widen when he sees M/n fall on his knees as M/n kept coughing. Wally kneeled down and saw some liquid that looked like black static falling from the corner of M/n’s mouth and M/n slowly looking at him with a saddened smile.

“I love you…,” M/n said softly as the liquid started to fall from his eyes in trade of tears. “Love? What’s going in on?” Wally said while grabbing his face with his hands and M/n smiled while leaning to his touch.

"Don't trust Home... Please don't trust Home... If you love me don't ever trust Home again" M/n said in soft beg while looking up at Wally as sobs and coughs wrecked M/n's body.

“It’s 1974 and I am not a main character which means Home has no use for me, my love...” M/n said softly while looking at Wally with a sad smile. M/n gave a kiss to Wally while crying the same static as it started slowly taking over M/n's eyes.

"What are you talking about?" Wally asked panicked while holding M/n's face in his hands since M/n head lolled to the side. "Don't trust Home and don't forget that I love you" M/n said softly while giving Wally a tender kiss with the softest smile before falling limp in his arms while his skin started to brake apart into ash.

"M/n! What's going on? M/n!" Wally screamed in desperation while hugging himself since M/n was literally carried in the wind.

"What does Home have to do with this?"

Tag list:

@farleyis @whynot5243 @fluffyart5000 @blueberricowboi @bonesbonesbonesuponbones @who-let-me-write-this @pr5is1ng @just-random-post @smiling-carcass @nettaw @sleepyscxry @theorchardcollective @thelostboys11 @darling-w @ametistacollinsworld @vampyrefay @cloudeecheer @lacunaanonymoused @waywardstardustcollector @welcome-home-puppets @redjeanjacket @fried-lotud @waywardstardustcollector @frindtheshapeshifter405 @lotusflowerexe @sleepyscxry @the-gayest-toad @mythjustiice @backyard-bear @beu-is-here0 @just-random-post @fic-fortress @elegantkidfansoul @eyesarefun @one-green-frog @beu-is-here0 @waywardstardustcollector @24-7lazy @azyimnothere @fluffyart5000 @chesterthejester12-blog @redjeanjacket @curiosityscrewedthatcat @gyaruthegory @azul7127 @unstable-and-introverted @seraphlies @akito-chan @myperfectpeachbouquet @darlingclown101

#welcome home #wally darling x male reader #tiredly sammy writes #new neighbor

[jeremywhitley]

The Death of Gwen’s Butterflies

This post is just the slightest bit spoilery about Love Unlimited #46 staring Gwenpool which came out this last Thursday. If you’re worried about being spoiled, don’t click the keep reading.

There is nothing more rewarding as a comic book writer than coming up with a concept in a script that illustrates something that isn’t physical or easily visible and having an art team just get it and knock it out of the park. That is what @bailiesartblog and Kelly Fitzpatrick did for me on this most recent chapter of Gwenpool and I couldn’t be happier.

It’s about the process of going through a relationship right? And there’s this moment at the end of issue 2 where Gwen has been bemoaning that she just doesn’t get this feeling that other people get. She wants to get butterflies in her stomach about another person. Then she’s almost smashed by a big monster and she’s literally swept off of her feet by Julie Power. Like so:

and, as you might imagine, it has this effect

Of course it does. Who wouldn’t swoon over Lightspeed, national treasure, bisexual who leaves a literal rainbow trail when she flies rescuing them. Gwen is not the first.

Julie also feels it and they grab a meal at a diner

And it all results in Julie eventually asking Gwen out and Gwen accepting.

Surprising everyone, things go great. Gwen enrolls in Julie’s college, they do superhero stuff together, they go on romantic walks. As Gwen tells us, things are perfect. She keeps telling us that. But there’s this tension growing behind her words that we wanted to illustrate because Gwen thinks she should be happier. She should want the things that she has. The things that everybody theoretically wants. After all, she has this moment to point to. This moment where she felt those butterflies that everyone’s told her about.

as she is telling the story of her relationship with Julie she keeps coming back to this moment and talk about how she feels...felt...

And I had this idea that as she’s telling us about her relationship and how great it’s going, she keeps bringing up that moment in her mind, but the feeling is fading and we can see this because behind her, the image is fading.

And so many of us know that feeling, regardless of the reason. You know that at one point you felt this way and now you just want to get back to that feeling but the more you try to pull it back the more it fades. Especially for Gwen, this was a moment of self-discovery when she felt a way about a person for a first time and in her case it was the first time that she’s attempting a f/f relationship and it’s with somebody she really likes and cares about, but at a certain point she just can’t deny that...

It isn’t the same any more. Butterflies have a short lifespan and you can’t force yourself to feel a way you don’t feel, even if you felt that way before. She wants to want something. She wants to hold onto this feeling she had. But it’s faded. That feeling has gotten away from her and she hits a moment where she just can’t pretend any more.

And gosh, it’s a powerful feeling and it’s so amazing as a writer to see that idea come to life on the page. Bailie and Kelly really illustrated a feeling through the use of Gwenpool’s actions in the foreground and the color in the background even as Gwen’s narratation is trying to do the opposite. Man, that feels so cool to see!

#gwenpool #gwendolyn poole #marvel #comics #jeremy whitley #marvel unlimited #love unlimited #queer characters #lgbtq romance

[darkdoverpseeker]

🕊️ hello lovelies! i’m 22f, i go by she/they pronouns. i’m looking for other writers 18+ who are interested in a dark romance 1x1 rp over on discord. i would love to create a little world together and include multiple ships (possibly mumu style) however i am also fine with sticking to one couple or doubling if that is what you’d prefer! i’m most prominently looking for m/f ships at the moment and i tend to lean towards playing m characters (however i don’t mind playing f characters either).

in terms of writing style, i am 100% quality > quantity so i’m not looking for anything very specific in that realm. my writing style is third person, descriptive and can vary from shorter para and multi-para stuff to much longer things going way over discord character limits. i’m happy to adapt to what you’d most prefer. response time can vary depending on whether we’re doing shorter rapid fire stuff or longer things though i’m very communicative and respond to ooc things rather fast. on that note, i’m not ghost friendly. please just communicate with me if you’re not interested/not happy with a plot and i’ll give you the same courtesy!

i’m a big fan of sharing headcannons, playlists, pinterest boards, aesthetics, etc. with my partners and i would love if you are someone who loves to get involved and contribute when it comes to plotting and planning. please, please, please don’t be dry. if i send you paragraphs of ideas and you respond consistently with one word answers, i will lose interest. i also prefer the use of realistic fcs please no illustrations/art for this!

plot wise, i’m looking for dark, twisted, complex plot lines and morally grey characters so 🕊️ content. i’m not looking for anything super fluffy at the moment so feel free to bring your more unconventional muses who may enjoy darker verses. while i’m alright with darker themes, there are things i won’t include in my writing as i do have some triggers/limits and will respect yours so we can discuss that together! i would prefer to include smut/nsfw topics but ratio doesn’t matter to me. we can discuss the inclusion of kink together!

some themes that i’d love to branch off of may include: dark academia, obsession, university settings, rich kids/trust fund brats, small town royalty, the corruption of the rich and powerful, mafia/crime ties, manipulation, toxic love/toxic relationships, anything you might see in a dark romance (especially those popular on booktok). some tropes i like: height/size differences, (legal) age gaps, crime/mafia ties, arranged marriages, enemies to lovers, childhood friends, psychopath x his match, brother’s best friend, bully romance, forbidden love, rivals to lovers, opposites attract, and more. feel free to come with your own ideas as well and we can meet half way!

please give this post a like and i will come running into your inbox!

like if interested !

#fandomless rp #oc x oc #m x f #18+ #dead dove #dead dove do not eat #spicy #1x1 rp #rp #roleplay #discord rp #discord roleplay

[thestupidhelmet]

A(nother) Difference Between That '70s Show and That '90s Show.

I've written about depth of characterization before, but I realized today by looking at the T7S circle .gifs by @tht70sblog that the life issues the T9S kids face (save Oz) are nowhere on the same level as those from T7S (S1-S5, at least). This might add to the Disney show feeling people have expressed about T9S.

T7S has very realistic parental neglect and abuse issues and the emotional effects of that childhood wounding. Parents who don't set proper boundaries with their kid, which creates a different cluster of emotional wounding that affects the kid's worldview and behavior. And gives specific details (or the whys) to make all this characterization abundantly clear.

The threat of homelessness at seventeen (several times) and fears of a bleak future. Significant betrayal in teen relationships. A son whose more sensitive nature doesn't fit with his father's idea of masculinity, which has a breadth of consequences (some good, some damaging). A pregnancy scare for a high school sophomore. Teen girls whose gender expression and interests don't fit stereotypes.

The list goes on.

This depth, seriousness, and kind of issues facing the characters of T7S resonates very much with my time as a teenager in high school (long after the '70s 😅). For instance: a friend with an emotionally and physically abusive mother who kicked her out of home in the middle of the night (not for the first time), and that friend showing up at my home for shelter.

That's only one specific example with the most basic of details (because privacy 😁), but T7S reflects so much of my serious teen experiences in its stories (not necessarily autobiographically but in spirit). Also the fun and great times (and burns, which we didn't call burns) during those years, too -- just like the T7S characters. It was a mixture. Both harrowing in a lot of ways and fulfilling.

T9S isn't there. Maybe it won't ever be because it's not the same show as T7S and isn't intended to go that deeply or realistically into teen life.

But T7S does while still capturing the humor that exists during all the crap teens have to go through or get themselves into.

That being said, the T9S teens are a little younger than the T7S teens (talking about the characters, not actors). Leia fretting over having a first kiss with Jay is sweet, and it's definitely a dilemma fifteen-year-olds have.

But when I was fifteen, friends were often fretting about a lot more than a kiss. Jackie and Kelso's sexual relationship when she's a sophomore and he's a junior is closer to my specific experience (with a few first kisses sprinkled in).

I find myself and parts of my life in T7S. I connect to the characters, their connections to one another, and what they go through.

I love Red and Kitty in T9S and enjoy the teens' antics and personalities. Even if the show remains more surface with its depiction of teen life in the '90s, I hope it goes deeper with the characters and builds the connections / friendships among them so we understand*why* they care about one another and hang out (with Leia and Gwen's friendship as the exception since that gets good development in S1).

Give me a "Class Picture" (T7S, S4) type of flashback like how Fez became part of the group that shows why Oz chose the other T9S kids as friends and vice versa. Right now, I have no idea.

Gwen's brother, Nate, is Jay's best friend. Nate is dating Nikki, and Leia is Gwen and Nate's neighbor during the summer. That explains the *why* of their interactions. It doesn't explain or illustrate the deeper connections among them, however. With sixteen episodes for S2, I hope the writers use that space for episodes like T7S's "Hyde Moves In," "Sleepover," "Cat Fight Club," "Grandma's Dead," "Eric's False Alarm," "The Pill," and so on that showcase and develop the relationships among the characters.

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Side note: If I knew had to add a *read more (under the cut)* on mobile, I would. 🫣

#that 70s show #that '90s show #Jackie x Hyde #Michael Kelso #Leia Forman #My Essay #My Meta #Essay #Meta #Personalish

[sokayisaidiot]

Siblinghood, Platonic Soulmates, or Romance

Analyzing the Relationship Between Ezra Bridger and Sabine Wren

In this post, I will continue from my previous one, having offered a simplified overview but delving into one of the most common criticizing talking points. Please remember that this analysis is from a writing perspective and my own experiences as I am an amateur writer. I welcome comments and reblogs with your thoughts.

For context:

1. Relationships in Star Wars 2. Explanation of These Three Types of Relationships 3. Female Characters in Relationships 4. Ideals and Themes in Star Wars Rebels 5. Ezra and Sabine's Relationship 6. Conclusion

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Relationships in Star Wars

Critics sometimes claim that certain types of relationships are overrepresented in Star Wars, but it's essential to remember that the franchise features a variety of relationship dynamics. Here are some well-known examples:

Siblinghood:

- Luke and Leia (twins) - Ahsoka Tano and Anakin Skywalker (no blood) - Garazeb Orrelios and Ezra Bridger (no blood) - The Son and Daughter (literal Force beings) - Sabine and Tristan Wren (blood relatives) - Maul, Savage Opress, and Feral (same planet)

Platonic Soulmates:

- Han and Chewbacca - R2-D2 and C-3PO - Boba Fett & Fennec Shand - Din Djarin & Bo Katan Kryze - Chirrut Imwe & Baze Malbus

Romantic:

- Han Solo & Princess Leia - Anakin Skywalker & Padme Amidala - Obi-Wan Kenobi & Satine Kryze - Kanan Jarrus & Hera Syndulla - Bail & Breha Organa

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Each relationship explained and how to write it

Siblinghood

Definition A sibling is a term used to describe a brother or sister, which means they share at least one biological or adoptive parent. Siblings are individuals who are part of the same family and are connected through their familial relationships.

Writing points

Individuality: Portray each sibling as a unique individual with distinct traits.

Birth Order: Consider birth order dynamics and how it affects their roles.

Conflict and Love: Explore both rivalry and support in their relationship.

Shared Memories: Use shared childhood memories to deepen their connection.

Complex Emotions: Show a range of emotions, from love to resentment.

Character Development: Use their relationship to drive character growth.

Realistic Dialogue: Make their interactions and dialogues authentic.

Backstory: Develop a backstory with shared and separate experiences.

Conflict Resolution: Show how they handle conflicts within the relationship.

Evolution: Depict how their relationship changes over time.

External Influences: Consider how outside factors impact their dynamic.

Platonic Soulmates

Definition The term "Platonic soulmates" combines two concepts: "Platonic" and "soulmates."

Platonic: In the context of relationships, "Platonic" refers to a non-romantic or non-sexual connection.

Soulmates: It's a belief that there is a special, deep, and sometimes predestined connection between two people that goes beyond ordinary friendship or partnership.

When you combine these concepts, "Platonic soulmates" refers to two individuals who share an exceptionally close, deep, and meaningful non-romantic or non-sexual bond. They may have a connection that feels almost destined, as if their souls are deeply intertwined, but it doesn't involve romantic or sexual attraction.

Writing points

Unique Bond: Highlight the exceptional and non-romantic connection they share.

Common Values: Emphasize shared values, interests, and life goals that deepen their bond.

Unconditional Support: Show their unwavering support, trust, and emotional safety.

Enduring Relationship: Illustrate how their bond withstands time and challenges.

Conflict Resolution: Explore how they handle disagreements with maturity and empathy.

Growth Inspiration: Demonstrate how they inspire personal growth in each other.

Non-Romantic Nature: Clarify that their connection is platonic, not romantic.

Emotional Depth: Dive into their deep emotional connection and comfort.

Shared Moments: Highlight significant life experiences they've shared.

Respectful Boundaries: Show how they respect each other's boundaries.

External Influences: Consider how external factors affect their connection.

Remember that platonic soulmate relationships are diverse and can manifest in various ways. They provide an opportunity to explore deep emotional connections and the profound impact such connections can have on individuals' lives.

Romantic

Definition In everyday conversation, "romantic" is often used to describe anything related to love, affection, or relationships. It can refer to someone who is inclined towards love and affection or to something that evokes feelings of love and beauty. The exact meaning of "romantic" can vary depending on the context in which it is used.

Romantic Love: Deep emotional affection, attraction, and passion between two individuals, forming the basis for relationships like dating, courtship, and marriage.

Romantic Relationship: A partnership based on romantic love, including dating, committed relationships, or marriage, characterized by emotional closeness and physical affection.

Romantic Gestures: Actions expressing love, affection, and admiration in romantic contexts, such as giving flowers, writing love letters, or planning surprise dates.

Romanticism: A cultural movement originating in the late 18th century, emphasizing emotions, individualism, and the sublime in literature, art, and philosophy, often celebrating nature, imagination, and powerful emotions.

Writing points

Chemistry and Attraction: Establish a strong attraction between the partners.

Character Development: Use the relationship to develop and evolve the characters.

Conflict and Tension: Introduce challenges to make the relationship engaging.

Communication: Show effective communication and miscommunication between partners.

Shared Moments: Highlight meaningful experiences they share.

Individual Lives: Balance their personal lives with the relationship.

Trust and Vulnerability: Explore trust and emotional openness.

Intimacy: Address physical and emotional intimacy.

External Influences: Include the impact of outside factors.

Conflict Resolution: Demonstrate how they handle conflicts.

Long-Term Compatibility: Consider their compatibility for the future.

Realistic Challenges: Create believable obstacles.

Romantic Gestures: Showcase meaningful acts of love.

Character Flaws: Develop imperfections in the characters.

Resolution: Provide a satisfying conclusion to their relationship arc.

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Girls in Relationships:

This section explores how certain female characters in Star Wars maintain their own identities while being involved in romantic relationships.

Padmé Amidala

Character: It might be considered a bold choice, but as Dave Filoni is known as the TCW and SWR guru, I genuinely appreciate Padmé's character. She embodies the spirit of self-reliance, often adopting the motto, "I'll handle it myself," when she witnesses suffering. As a compassionate and principled member of the Senate, she values diplomacy over violence, serving as a commendable role model by prioritizing dialogue and care for others. Her character shines brightest in episodes where she grapples with political conflicts.

Romance: Transitioning to the subject of her romantic involvement, Padmé and Anakin's relationship has sparked numerous discussions. Despite the uncertainty and occasional turbulence, there is genuine love between them. She envisions a future with him, refusing to give up on him even in the face of his inner struggles. Padmé recognizes Anakin's mental anguish and does her utmost to support him, though the complexities of their circumstances often double their challenges.

Ahsoka Tano

Character: Ahsoka stands as one of the most well-crafted female characters in Star Wars lore, undergoing significant growth and development throughout The Clone Wars (TCW). She evolves from an overconfident and naive child into a mature, thoughtful, and highly respected adult. Her journey is marked by substantial mistakes and profound realizations.

Romance: While Ahsoka experiences various connections throughout TCW, the most notable is with Lux. However, this romance primarily serves as a vehicle for her character development. Lux provides her with insights into the Separatists' perspective on the war and later the Death Watch. While Ahsoka does express interest in him, it's not in a deeply romantic sense. Instead, she's appreciative of the knowledge and experiences gained from their interactions.

Leia Organa

Character: Leia, our first main character introduction, immediately captivates with her compelling beginning. She's taken captive but never succumbs to fear, displaying strength and resolve. Her resilience shines through as she becomes one of the Rebellion's leaders, commanding respect from all quarters. She remains unyielding in her role, displaying a fiery temperament and quick wit reminiscent of her father, while proving to be even more resolute than her brother, a Jedi.

Romance: The iconic romance between Leia and Han Solo portrays the smuggler and the princess in a refreshing light. Instead of conforming to outdated stereotypes, Leia wears the metaphorical pants in their relationship, with Han providing unwavering support. He respects her position and authority, saving personal matters for their private moments. The dynamic is built on trust and mutual respect, avoiding the cliché of a one-sided romance. Notably, this is evident in Return of the Jedi (ROTJ), where Leia gets shot, and Han's caring demeanor is juxtaposed with his trademark smirk as she reveals her weapon. He's the one to express his love, illustrating the mutual affection and growth of both characters.

Hera

Character: Hera serves as the capable captain of the Ghost and its crew, supported by her right-hand man, Kanan, and the astromech droid, Chopper. Despite being a mother, she remains a crucial figure in the New Republic, leading missions and flight teams. Hera defies convention by maintaining her position of power while nurturing a romantic relationship with Kanan.

Romance: In contrast to traditional depictions where women are often portrayed as pining and emotional while men are serious, Hera and Kanan's dynamic reverses these roles. Kanan actively pursues the relationship, while Hera takes on a more serious and authoritative role. This unconventional approach adds depth to their relationship and challenges traditional gender norms.

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The Ideals of Rebels' Story and Its Setup Points:

Both the Star Wars Prequels and the Original Trilogy are anchored in the theme of battling oppressive regimes striving for absolute control. The Prequels delve into how this oppression came to be, forming a pivotal narrative standpoint. In contrast, The Clone Wars (TCW) primarily focuses on world-building, offering in-depth explorations of various factions and societies within the galaxy. While TCW provides a comprehensive view of the galaxy during a civil war, it doesn't follow a single large crew's story.

On the other hand, Star Wars Rebels (SWR) places a character-driven focus at its core. Unlike some other Star Wars media, such as movies, series, or shorts, SWR doesn't extensively explore different locations or delve into background storytelling. Instead, it prioritizes character development and episodic narratives.

To clarify my previous statement, SWR serves as a bridge between Episode 3 and Episode 4 of the Star Wars saga. It fills in the gaps, revealing the journey and sacrifices necessary to achieve freedom. The series commences with Ezra, a newly-minted Jedi Padawan, in a galaxy where Jedi are hunted down. He joins the nascent rebellion, which is just beginning to take shape. Ezra represents a glimmer of hope in a desolate world, even as forces of darkness attempt to extinguish that light.

This underscores the significance of SWR. Episode 4 depicted the Rebellion in its full-fledged form, with a substantial crew and support from multiple fronts. However, SWR sheds light on the challenges and sacrifices that made such achievements possible. It demonstrates that what was accomplished required immense personal sacrifice.

The Jedi aspect is exemplified through Kanan, who embodies the essence of a true Jedi. Ezra, too, matures into this role over time. Kanan's journey is unique; he was in the midst of his Padawan training when Order 66 unfolded. He never completed his training in the traditional sense and couldn't fully embrace the Jedi rules and traditions, which often felt restrictive and suffocating. Unbeknownst to him, his love for, attachment to, and bond with his lover, Padawan, and the rest of the crew went against traditional Jedi norms. However, this deviation allowed him to learn things the Jedi should have known centuries ago. Kanan eventually felt the full embrace of the Force, despite his past mistakes and moments of foolishness. He ultimately met his end as a true Jedi Knight.

As for Sabine, her character's growth and journey revolve around taking responsibility for her past mistakes and evolving into a stronger individual. Her journey includes abandoning the Imperial Academy, which produced weapons harmful to her people. This decision placed her family in jeopardy, with the majority of Mandalorians harboring animosity towards her. Despite these challenges, she emerged stronger with the support of those around her and a willingness to confront her past without forgetting or ignoring it.

The relationship between Ezra and Sabine in SWR was intentionally left ambiguous, making it challenging to definitively categorize. While the series provides hints through Ezra's statements, it remains open to interpretation. The internet, as expected, has embraced the ambiguity and given rise to various interpretations, showcasing the power of fan engagement and ship culture.

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Ezra and Sabine, Examined from Every Angle:

This section breaks down how each of these interpretations aligns with the characteristics of these relationship types.

Siblinghood

Individuality: With Siblings, there come different personalities. One can be chaotic and the other calm. That’s what we see in that case what can be considered normal in a family. You have the artistic child with her younger brother being more traditional and following his father.

Birth Order: This being one of the strongest arguments with this relationship. It’s for many great to see nonblood people considering each other as found family, where in situation where one lost their family or their family was not good, there are still others that are as close as those you share blood with.

Conflict and Love: This is more of a thing that can be seen with the training of the dark saber, in which the one sibling, who is good at something, that they consider their specialty, having to have share it with the other, as they see it being taken away or provoking the other as they think they are better at something.

Shared Memories: Both have abandonment issues over their family, and they share a lot of missions together.

Complex Emotions: Once again going back to the dark saber training, you could interpret that scene where Ezra is saying that Sabine at least still has family, while he has only one family left, that she is not respecting

Character Development: This can be interpretation for the end of rebels

Realistic Dialogue: A lot of people regard them bickering as sibling bickering

Backstory: In the start, it is implied that with Zeb, she is one that takes him under her wing as a older sister role

Conflict Resolution: They talk to each other

Evolution: It can be them growing older and seeing each other as equals

External Influences: within the ghost crew, they consider each other as family. Hera especially, so its easy to take this as it can be seen that every member implies it for themselves.

Platonic Soulmates

Unique Bond: They are not really romantically nor as siblings introduced in season 3 and 4

Common Values: Both want to free their respective people, destroy the empire and find a place in the galaxy.

Unconditional Support: Within the end, Sabine never states to be romantically involved but she does stay on Lothal, keeps his memorable things in check and waits from him to return.

Enduring Relationship: Both are willing to entrust each other to a lot of things and giving each other the chance to make things happen.

Conflict Resolution: They talk.

Growth Inspiration: Within the season 1 and 2 where Ezra constantly flirts openly to Season 3 and 4 where it is not seen as a romantic way.

Non-Romantic Nature: Barely Romantic gestures of touch in the traditional sense or talking about the feeling to each other, but in a respectable comrade way.

Emotional Depth: Their connection through their past and need to make better of their mistakes while helping each other out of those.

Shared Moments: Their missions

Respectful Boundaries: With Ezra stopping the flirting to concentrate and help Sabine

External Influences: The ghost crew being a close family through common goals and connection gives them a more bigger leeway

Romantic

Chemistry and Attraction: It is clear that Ezra still has an crush on Sabine, with him meeting her for the first time, being enamored with her beauty. Their chemistry is working and expendable. Sabine later is more open for more.

Character Development: From the young kid who has a crush with no real idea to an jedi that keeps it low to fulfill his duty, Ezra evolves within 4 seasons to a more mature way of admiring Sabine while having respect for her. Within the episode where Kanan and Sabine 

Conflict and Tension: From the end of rebels, where Ezra sacrifices himself to keep his loved one self but leaving Sabine alone and confused to Sabine not listening to him when he tells her to or when she does not give him a lot of decision power over her.

Communication: Sabine not being able to trust anyone really to her getting the closest to Ezra for even supporting him on way to dangerous missions and Ezra 

Shared Moments: From the intimate closeness of holding him by his waist to fly to safety, to him keeping her steady on the loath wolves and both refusing to let the other get hurt.

Individual Lives: When it comes to Krownest, Sabine splits up for a little while, when Ezra takes on other missions. They know when they have to do something alone and they have their own bigger problems in the end.

Trust and Vulnerability: Within the later seasons (3 and 4) Sabine opens up to Ezra about her own Demons and gives her full trust to him. Both can depend each other’s live on the other. But when it comes to

Intimacy: Sabine has no problem holding Ezra closer while Ezra still gets flustered a bit(speaking escape Jetpack scene). But other than that they have no problem being closer.

External Influences: Both Chopper and Zeb have been making fun of Ezra and Kanan is aware to some known extend as he has to be the done calming Ezra down, when Sabine is in a Dangerous situation.

Conflict Resolution: On the battlefield its Sabine being the aggressor and Ezra the shield. With other conflicts, it is that Sabine needs time to herself and Ezra worrying but respecting her needs.

Long-Term Compatibility: Sabine cannot imagine a life without Ezra in it and Ezra has stated that he wants to come home to her (as well as the others).

Realistic Challenges: Sabine knowing that 10 years have gone by since Ezra disappeared and still being ever so loyal to him. Ezra, while knowing Sabines competence, still often not wanting her on solo missions.

Romantic Gestures: The Birthday gift from Sabine. The consistent support of Ezra. 

Character Flaws: The way they cannot see other one in pain and taking full front and lying in front of the other.

Resolution: They give each other full trust on the final mission with Sabine on her way towards him.

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Endcut:

In summary, this post aims to offer multiple perspectives on the dynamic between Ezra and Sabine, emphasizing that all three interpretations are valid based on the available knowledge.

Please note that this is a complex analysis, and the nature of their relationship remains open to interpretation.

#ezrabine #sabezra #star wars ships #star wars rebels #star wars #Around 3100 words #ezra bridger #sabine wren #leia organa #hera syndulla #ahsoka #ashoka tano #tw spoilers #please remember to keep it civilized #those are all made with speculation #and one very sleepdeprived me #sooooooo

[the-bloody-sadist]

Can I ask your top 10 fav fics ever (from any fandom, if you don't mind)?

Also, just curious, is there a story behind your name "the bloody sadist"?

YOU FUCKING BET!!!! I love having the opportunity to list my favorites for anything, though I'm also incredibly picky about fanfics, so I don't actually know (until I start scrolling my bookmarks and listing them) if I'll reach a whole 10 favorites!! But I might! (Note: these are in no particular order)

What I Want From You is Sweet by VampireFaun (Heaven Official's Blessing) [And basically every other work that she's written! But some of my other top favorites of hers are The Thing That Was Not His Highness and Beast With Two Backs]: When I can't get a fanfic out of my head, I usually end up drawing an illustration based on it, if I'm bold enough to risk depicting an author's precious words (rare). This is my MOST re-read fic and I won't ever stop. It doesn't help that VampireFaun/Deer is a WONDERFUL PERSON and I love her personality so much. She's an incredible writer!

Tenfold by dgalerab (Bungou Stray Dogs) : Baby's first fic! This was one of the writings that immediately roped me into the fanfic world. When I first was into it, I was under the impression that everyone just went there to write half-assed explorations of sex between characters, and that wasn't so appealing to me. When I discovered that some people can write entire 25-chapter PLOTS with the level of literacy that matches what I hoped to read??? I was hooked. Obviously you can see in this list that I have strong devotion to a handful of fic writers and my favorites are just the top best fics that I return to of their writing. If I find a great writer, I subscribe to them and go on a rampage of consumption through their list of fics, my fandom or not! Please consider doing the same for those authors that I mention like that!! You'll find so much gold. Everything by dgalerab is good in some way, I have almost all of their fics bookmarked. :') My only complaint about this particular story was that HOLY FUCK THE AUTHOR CUT SO MANY SCENES WAY TOO SHORT LMAO. Please let me have a full comfort scene for more than two paragraphs T_T I worked so hard for it. I cried so much. ANYWAY, STILL A HUGE INSPIRATION FOR WHAT I WENT ON TO WRITE!

What You Have Tamed by Parsnipit (Heaven Official's Blessing)

Love is Hard, Life Sucks by gev_ao3 (Bungou Stray Dogs) : A painful inspection of the nuances of domestic abuse. This one rang true to reality so much that I don't think I can re-read it without having a depressive episode. It's not finished, but it's Fyozai, and you know how I feel about that. Also side-plot SKK! I usually can't stand AUs, but this one fits the situations very well. It's the type of fic that only someone who knows a little too much about how abuse works on a victim can write.

Careful Fear and Dead Devotion by intimatopia (Trigun Stampede) : Yet another fic that I couldn't help but draw for! And intimatopia was kind enough to link it in his fic summary T_T - A super angsty sadomasochistic fic about Vash needing pain and Wolfwood needing to give it. If I don't list any other fics by him on here, it's because I'm such a huge enjoyer of his writing (one of my favorite fic authors), so nearly all of them that don't hit on personal triggers are in my favorites category. He's a master at pinning down the PERFECT depictions of characters that make them feel as canon as possible while also becoming more tangible and real. The ZhongXiao, AyaThoma and Kaeluc fics are incredible. Read them all! However, I will mention that one of his fics that first stuck with me was his Kaeluc AU Northbound & Reaching ! Carys has done a lot of BSD fics too, of which a few stick out to me like They Say You Gotta Fake It and that one Soul Eater AU he did where Dazai was a knife in Chuuya's drawer who gained a body. I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT WENT CUZ I CAN'T FIND IT TO LINK YOU BUT GO LOOK THROUGH ALL HIS FICS FOR IT. IT'S REALLY UNIQUE.

Top 5 works, I guess?? As I mentioned several times while gushing, three of these account for entire lists of the author's works that you should enjoy if we share the same taste! VampireFaun, dgalerab, and intimatopia are my top fic authors, and I've read everything they've posted as long as it didn't contain anything personally triggering - and have learned about new fandoms even! Also, Alaruya didn't make it on this list, but they have a Fyozai fic that really inspired me with its imagery and language. I link it in my Sinner fanfic if you're interested!

I have quite a few other random fics I enjoy, but most were from a Heaven Official's Blessing craze recently and then BSD works that inspired me in some way, but they're not very unique or long, so I felt like this was the best collection to list. Most any fic that explores Dazai struggling with self-harm or neediness or asexuality has my attention. It just has to be written well!

AS FAR AS MY NAME - YOU'RE THE FIRST TO ASK THAT QUESTION! I'm a big fan of...how to explain...slightly dehumanizing titles?? Something that isn't really a name, but a description of me in some way. Something that makes me feel mysterious and yet also gives everyone who reads it an idea of the type of works I'm creating. Of course, my main personality trait is being sadistic, and I love the word sadist, and I love putting THE in front of literally any title because I DON'T KNOW LMAO...I'm THE ONE. That kinda thing. I'M THE GUY!! YEAH I'M THE BLOODY SADIST GUY! THAT ONE! I also love smashing words together, so I was like, I can't just be THE sadist....what else do I like....and that's about it. If I name myself I tend to have trouble ever using anything else in reference to me, so Sadist has stuck from the very beginning. It's going to be very hard to part with that name once I publish a novel and have to use a first and last name...

THANKS FOR THE ASK!! I HOPE YOU ENOY THOSE RECS.

#sadist’s answered asks #fanfic recs #favorite fics #favorite authors