#i am so in awe you are willing to write him pain & flaws & all.

[demoanais]

This will all be moot in a month but I feel like I'm in danger of being misunderstood so I wanted to make my position more clear for the record:

I AM happy Sharon is shown to be hurt, angry and cynical. She's more than earned that. EVC is perfect for playing with the dark side of her character, she has plenty of great experience to tackle that duality. Exploring deeper layers of Sharon is a welcome shift.

I AM happy that the show acknowledges that Sharon was wronged after merely doing the right thing and has long been suffering the consequences of a punishment that vastly exceeds the crime. Of course that's changed her outlook, how could it not?

I AM happy that Sharon has still managed to build a stable life for herself despite all this pain; she is extremely self sufficient and capable and takes great pride in that. It's the emotional blow that stings her the most - she has survived but it never needed to be this hard.

I AM happy that she didn't welcome sam and bucky with open arms and chat like nothing was wrong. She gave up everything and look where it landed her; they were being naive and insensitive to think she'd so happily jump back into the fray for their sakes with nothing more than a raised eyebrow.

I AM happy that despite her misgivings and distrust, she still lent her strength to sam and bucky's efforts because at her core, that's who she is. She hasn't lost her sense of morality even if her heart isn't exactly in it like it used to be.

I AM unhappy about the execution of all of the above.

For example, you have Sharon ask about new cap. Before bucky can elaborate, she cuts him to the quick by accusing him of blind loyalty to the mantle. But that isn't accurate. If bucky's so-called arc is anything, it's demonstrating how his insecurity and lack of direction are causing his grudges to overtake his better judgement.

For him, *everything* is personal. He was steve's friend before he was captain america's, and that's where meaning dwells for him. He doesn't want the shield back or blame sam for giving it up too easily because of some idealogical obsession with 'stars and stripes bullshit' - he thinks it's a slight to steve that sam didn't honor his choice and that it's more than just government issue gear to be passed around. It represents many things (many of them bad, as the show points out) but he doesn't care about all that. To bucky it may as well be a family heirloom, considering what little he has left from his former life.

Of course, this is all what he has to overcome, to (re) establish his own position and identity in the world, and sharon isn't as privy to those struggles as the audience is. Allowing bucky and/or sam to actually elaborate on their issues with walker could have created an in for her to point out some hypocrisy or naivety on their part. But the opportunity was swiftly torpedoed because we really, really need the audience to get that sharon 2.0 is 'awful' now.

So what could she have criticized bucky for instead? Lucky for her, that problem was looking her right in the face drinking her expensive liquor. There is very little justification for the stunt bucky pulled behind sam's back by freeing zemo, and I can only assume consequences are around the corner. Yet again, bucky isn't seeing big picture, he's consumed by his own personal relationship to zemo and the super serum. He acted unilaterally based on his own fears and self doubts but wants to present his actions as logical and well reasoned. Zemo can help in the short term, but what is the cost?

Sharon, being the seasoned cynic she is now, would have seen through that in an instant. How difficult would it have been to jab at the irony, bucky being 'free' according to his therapist but chained to this person who used him as a tool, who continues to exploit his weaknesses, who seems to be far more in control than bucky is in the situation they're all in. Bucky is trying to prove something, he doesn't seem to be sure what that is yet, but he's stubbornly blinded himself to the possibility that he's going about it the wrong way. That is something that sharon could have rightfully called out, but for some reason bucky's most egregious flaw is presented as.... being steve's best friend.

Then you have her dealings with sam, who's problems are more from the other side of the spectrum. He isn't really allowed to bring his personal feelings to the table, he has to deal with the intense pressure of taking on a loaded persona when it may not actually ring true to him in his heart. He also trusted steve and had faith in what that specific cap stood for, but does that mean he's willing to put the whole system on his own shoulders now? He's trying to think above and beyond, about the legacies before him, about his own place in history when all is said and done.

Sam is all about big picture at this stage, and his journey would presumably have him work from the outside in. That's why the glimpses of his family life are invaluable, they give us that contrast between his day to day realities and the loftier, more abstract idealism of the falcon's (or cap's) heroism. His exploration is about staking his own personal claim on the symbolism of that shield, not just for his own sake but for the sake of those who will now look to him as a leader and an inspiration.

To be fair, I think some of sharon's dialogue with sam is marginally better, but still ultimately misses the mark. I envisioned an exchange where she might belittle his decision to continue acting as a representative of the same organization that failed her so spectacularly, suggesting he should tread carefully lest he find himself discarded once the government no longer finds him useful or compliant.

She...sort of got close to saying that? If I squint really hard I guess? But it's off because it's less about the posturing and politics of their roles and of 'the machine' so to speak, than it is about striving to do right when you can. It feels like she's criticizing the inherent value of what they try do rather than the shortcomings of the framework itself. If I get vibes that this sharon seems to waffle on whether or not she regrets what she did in CACW, that's not a good thing.

Bureaucracy, red-tape, iconography - all of the things walker is being parceled with; can you disentangle yourself while refusing to leave the system in the same state as you found it? If I want to be charitable I can chalk this up to semantics, but they haven't given me many reasons to be charitable so far.

Then you have the whole utterly nonsensical bargaining over her pardon (the stupidity of that particular exchange pointed out multiple times on reddit, of all places) and sharon's not-so-subtle suggestion that sam is basically lying to her when he says he can get her pardoned.

If she's trying to say she doesn't believe he actually has the pull to accomplish that, or that he's underestimating how difficult it would be, it's one thing. But saying that he's merely 'pretending' to clear her name is completely unfair. I don't care how ~jaded~ sharon is, there's no plausible reason for her to consider sam capable of such a lie and I find that an insult to them both. Naturally, I place blame squarely on kolstad's writing, and not on sharon herself. It's plain as day he didn't give a wink to a single implication he made with his script, nor does he care to do so.

Am I foolish for thinking her arc could be handled with more coherence? I like to think I'm already controlling for the lackluster quality of MCU writing in general; this actually surprised me. I expect basic and juvenile, but at least there's consistency. Frankly, I think Feige put a little too much slack in the reins here and the characters are paying the price.

Could I be crying wolf too soon before giving everything a chance to pan out? Of course, that's always a possibility and I'd be more than glad to eat crow if things turn out palatable in the end. Are the odds favorable that this will happen? Magic 8 ball says don't count on it, and I'm not in the habit of constantly lowering my standards until they're miraculously met.

#sharon carter #emily vancamp #anti mcu #sambuckysharon

[nonbinary-ghost]

Nightmare Heart Reborn

Another Hollow Knight story thing. For some reason I’ve been supper preoccupied with the creation of the first Grimm and ended up writing way more than I intended to for it! In short, this one-shot follows a moth abandoned by the Radiance and his deal to become a vessel for the Nightmare Heart.

CW: Suicide contemplation, Drowning, Burning Alive, Abandonment

:

The lanky moth collapsed into a heap on the rough stone floor, too exhausted to move further. Wind howled lonely at the mouth of the small cave he’d found, but for now he was safe from the scouring sands and empty wastes. He lay on the floor of the cave amongst dry leaves and coarse sand, his breath shallow as it echoed in his ears to fill the silence.

The awful silence.

With a small noise of despair, the moth curled in on himself, wrapping his wings tight as he shook, as if their dusty gold and white drapings could hold him together as his world fell apart. He was alone now, truly alone, and the ringing silence in his mind felt like a gaping hole in the center of his being. Where once there had been the soft murmurings and singing of other moths, and the warm golden glow of his goddess, there was now nothing but deafening silence and cold darkness. Why? Why had they turned away from him? He’d tried to feel the Dream, to be content in the Radiance’s light. He had wanted so much to be one with the song that rose and fell with the golden light in his people’s thoughts. But his mind could never rest in those pleasant dreams and hopes. It always wandered to the suffering of the scared and the hurt. There were so many who hurt, who feared. The pain of loss, the fear of death, it all stained the very edges of the dream he’d once shared with his people, and his heart broke in sympathy for them, for those who suffered in silence just as he. But he’d tried to ignore those feelings. He tried to mask the rising fear inside of him that he must be flawed in some way to be so preoccupied with such unpleasant thoughts.

And yet…

Yet, despite his efforts, his voice had become a discordant note in the Radiance’s melody, a dark stain on their shared dream. And so they’d driven him away. They abandoned him to the darkness and fear.

Tears burned his eyes as he clutched at the sharp ache in his chest.

Maybe he was broken.

As the moth lay in the cold, damp sand and refuse of a wasteland, he considered never rising again. He could just lie there and let it all end. Let the bitter wind steal his breath. Let the gritty sand bury him. Let the wandering, mindless bugs of the wastes find him, bite him, bleed him. His disappearance a good riddance to all he had once called family.

A broken voice no one wanted to hear.

A lost moth forever banished from the Radiance’s light.

Exhaustion and misery blanketed him, eventually dragging him into a fitful sleep filled with the images of the scornful faces of those who had driven him from his home. In his dreams, they watched him indifferently as he struggled to keep his head above churning black waves, their faces a distant light far overhead. They all waited to see what this unworthy moth might do, to see if he had the strength to rise from the cold water, the courage to face what was ahead.

He didn’t.

A large black wave crashed over him and pulled him deeper under the turbulent waters. The light vanished immediately and he sank, flailing feebly at the cold pressure as he choked on the salty liquid. His motions slowed as he fell. Was this not what he wanted? A quiet oblivion? Death was easier, and in this endless nightmare, far less painful to consider than a life of exile.

He gave in to the black waters.

But as he sank deeper, a strange red light began to bleed into the darkness. The moth lifted his head warily as he drifted to the bottom of this dark sea of despair. He settled gently on the ground’s soft surface and he found he could again breathe. The pressure of the water remained heavy against his chest, but it did not choke him to take it in and he took a slow, almost disappointed breath.

Red light pooled around him, pushing away the darkness and warming his chilled limbs. That light felt so familiar, warm and comforting like the Radiance’s light, but softer. A faint, steady thrumming could just be heard under the moth’s breathing, and he blinked, glancing around in confusion. Was this another nightmare?

You poor child.

The words were a mere whisper in the moth’s thoughts, weak but gentle. He went still at the sorrow behind the sound.

How could We turn Our light from you? You needed Us so desperately, and We turned away…

The moth realized that the words came at the same slow beat of the strange thrumming in his ears. He laboriously pushed himself up to his hands and knees, cocking his head as he searched for the source of the sound.

“Who speaks?” He asked aloud, his voice smothered by the water still in his lungs.

The Heart of We who abandoned you.

Confusion made the moth’s antennae twitch. Was this one of their lost kin? Another moth here to offer sympathy? No. No, the feeling of this red light so warm against his fur, the soft presence in his mind…

“Radiance?” he breathed, a flicker of hope flaring in his chest.

Not as such, whispered the words, and the moth felt the flame of hope turn to ash on his tongue. The voice continued: A part of Her. One We scorn and abandon just as We do you. We are part of the same whole, but She who calls herself Radiance smothers Us here in solitude as She ignores the suffering of Our people.

The moth’s head spun but he did not have the heart to try to understand. That briefest flutter of hope that his goddess had not abandoned him had filled him with such pure light, had made his heart soar. But now that hope was extinguished with a cruel certainty, and the despair came crushing back. Was he truly lost then? Alone, abandoned, voiceless, forever scorned from his goddess’s light with no hope for redemption?

“Why am I here?” he whispered as he stared down at his hands pressed against the strange quilt-like ground.

We – I heard your pleas for oblivion. I cannot save you from your fate, Dear Child, but I can at least spare you from it.

The moth lifted his head at this, his heart fluttering in his chest.

I can offer you the oblivion you seek. Your memories, your thoughts, your mind – they can all become a part of me, and you will be free. Gone, without any lingering dreams or regrets to keep your mind tethered to this place.

What I offer you is not peace, child, but destruction. A true oblivion.

The moth considered this. He knew that death did not always mean peace. He had walked the dreams of those lingering regrets, and fears, and hopes left by the dead. He did not want to stay in this world in any form. His dreams were naught but nightmares, his regrets many. He did not deserve any form of afterlife, even as the faintest echo of his mind, nor did he want it. True oblivion…

“What is your price?” He asked, willing to give up everything for the fulfillment of this last hope.

Your shell, whispered the beating heart. Become a part of me. I will use your body and memories to fully separate from the Radiance. For too long We have abandoned our children to despair – no longer! It can end with you. Become my vessel, and I will take in every lost and broken soul, and cleanse the lands of the flames of fear and pain. You will have the oblivion you so crave, and your empty shell will serve to consume the misery of the living.

“I could help others like me?” the moth asked in wonder. By accepting this offer, he could create a home for those his people abandoned? The feeling of hope in his chest grew at the thought of no one suffering as he has ever again. “You would take them in?”

Every soul scorned by the Radiance’s Light will find a home in the Hearts’.

A quiver of emotion fluttered the moth’s gold-spotted wings and he pressed a hand over the pounding of his heart. It beat fast, from fear or excitement, out of sync with the slow, languid thrumming still in his thoughts. He considered this offer carefully. Was this really what he wanted? Did he truly want to cease to exist? If he refused, could he seek out a new life somewhere? Find others turned away from his goddess’s light, and build a new home? He knew not if he had the strength to do so. The emptiness in his chest choked him, threatened to drown him. There could be no home like the one he lost. There was nothing in the wastes but sand and mindless bugs – nothing like the light and song and love of his homeland. But there had to be others like him, others whose nightmares and fears had driven them from the Radiance’s light. He had seen their dark stains on the Dream. Were they lost out here too, as alone and empty as he?

Despair exhausted, rage flooded in to the small moth, making his heart pound harder.

How dare the Radiance treat her children so cruelly. She had no right to abandon them so, to drive them away. Were they not all the Radiance’s children? Were they not all deserving of the promise of love and protection? His hands clenched into fists against the quilted ground as that emotion thundered through him, one he’d fought so hard to suppress for the entirety of his life. The rage pounded in his chest, swirling with the lingering despair still pressing down on him. He could change that, could change the fates of those like him. He could give the lost children of the Old Light a home. And for what? A quiet oblivion – one he already sought and longed for as deeply as he missed the light.

“I accept your offer.”

A sharp flare of scarlet light burst to life before him and he flinched as a massive, beating heart filled his vision. He fell back as he craned his neck, trying to see the entirety of the red heart, but the edges of the shape were lost to shadow far overhead. The warmth of the red light intensified against his wings at the heart’s nearness. The moth rose unsteadily and cautiously approached the heart, his eyes locked on the bleeding gash seeping tongues of crimson flame that severed the center of that heart. The slow, beating thrum that had whispered at the edges of his mind filled his ears now, and he could see the heart beating in time to the sound.  

There is no coming back, warned the soft voice of the Heart. Enter the flames only if you truly wish for the oblivion I offer.

He paused at the edge of the flickering scarlet flames, staring up at the massive red heart.

“Will it hurt?”

Yes. The words paused. Then- All of you will be burned away. Your hopes, your dreams, your essence. I will know your memories but they will not be mine. Everything you are will be consumed by the scarlet flame.

It will hurt.

I am sorry, Child, but I cannot change this.

Do you still accept?

Fear was the faintest flutter in the moth’s chest, but no thoughts of hesitation crossed his mind. Chin raised, he stepped straight into the open wound in the bleeding heart.

Scarlet flames roared in his vision, their scorching heat beyond anything he could have ever expected. Blinding pain seared through him and he opened his mouth in a scream, pulling the flames into his lungs and burning his throat, destroying his once beautiful voice. He took that pain deep into himself, offering no resistance as it tore into his mind. One by one, every memory was consumed by those scarlet flames – his mother’s pride when he first sang, the pain of his broken wing, the despair of his brother’s death at the hands of illness, the fear of abandonment, the rage at the Radiance for turning her back on him and his fellow lost kin – the memories, everything he was, rose to the surface of his mind to be scoured away by cleansing fire. And he welcomed it. Fed it every part of himself until there was nothing left.

The flames burned away the moth’s pale white and gold wings, turning them into thick leathery things of black and red. The mane of fur around his neck vanished in a burst of crimson, and the flames coursed down every limb, burning, changing, until the bug that had entered the heart was no more. The world became a sea of red and pain. Then…

Nothing.

The moth awakened in that lonesome cave slowly, his eyes opening to reveal pupils that burned with a scarlet fire. He sat up tentatively, leathery wings splayed awkwardly. Confusion lay heavy in his thoughts and he stared down at his hands…hands? He flexed the clawed finders experimentally, feeling the way the glossy black shell and shifting joints moved. The Nightmare Heart smiled then, the expression feeling unnatural but right, somehow, and he stood on shaking legs. He could hear the pounding of the Heart in his ears, strong and steady, and he turned towards the cave’s entrance. He wrapped his warm, leathery wings around himself as he marveled at this vessel, this new form that finally freed him from the Radiance’s shackles.

He was Him, now. Not an Us, not a We, not a part of the lying Dream that turned away from the suffering of the world. He was Himself at last, a being all his own. A laugh, filled with elation, rumbled from his ruined throat.

He was free.

#hollow knight #hk grimm #nightmare heart #my writing #this was almost cathartic to write #cw suicide #cw burning alive #cw drowning #cw abandonment #If there are any content warnings I missed please let me know #I know this scene is a little heavy #and I don't want to miss any tags for people's blacklists

[untilweyeetagain]

no wise words gonna stop the bleeding - luke castellan x reader

Pairing: Luke Castellan/Reader (kinda?? reader’s not really in it, it’s more luke x unnamed daughter of demeter)

Summary: After his girlfriend refuses to join the rebellion against Olympus, Luke reflects on their relationship and the pain she left him with. Songfic.

Song: Breakeven by The Script

Word Count: 1207

Warnings: None, really. A lot of angst, one swear at the end.

Notes: I was listening to this song and then this idea came to me and I just had to write it,, the lyrics fit Luke so well imo

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just praying to a god that I don't believe in

'Cause I got time while she got freedom

'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even

It had been a few months since he’d last seen her, last held her, last breathed in the earthy scent that seemed to cling to her skin from days of gardening. Those months had been torturous for him, being unable to be near her, unable to even Iris-Message her, because he knew what she’d do the second he called. (Not that he would even use Iris-Messaging as a means of communication - he had cut all ties with the gods of Olympus, excluding those who had chosen to join the rebellion.)

Her best days will be some of my worst

She finally met a man that's gonna put her first

While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping

'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even, no

He had thought that his heart had been thoroughly torn apart when she had first broken up with him, calling him a monster, a disgusting excuse for a demigod, an ungrateful child for not seeing what the gods had given them all. He soon found out, however, that there were still remnants of his heart that had remained intact after that, because they were destroyed when word reached him through his spies that she had found another. 

The thought tormented him at night, leaving him to lay awake for countless sleepless nights wondering why her new boyfriend was good enough but he wasn’t, just because he could see the flaws in their parents’ ways and was willing to do something about it. He had rarely slept in the past forever, unable to succumb to sleep until he was close to death from exhaustion, but even then, his sleep was filled with their last interaction, scenes of her screaming at him, pushing him away, breaking his heart playing over and over again.

What am I supposed to do

When the best part of me was always you?

And what am I supposed to say

When I'm all choked up and you're OK?

I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces

Luke missed her. He missed her so much. He missed her warmth, and her smile, how she could bring out the best in him just by being in his vicinity. He missed the times when she would drag him out to the fields and just lie there in the sun, her head in his lap as he carded his fingers through her hair. He missed the way she would natter his head off about the things she was interested in, or that week’s Demeter cabin drama - despite any outward appearances, they fell out an awful lot. He missed talking to her, and holding her, and kissing her. He missed her.

They say bad things happen for a reason

But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding

'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving

And when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even, no

The thing that hurt worse than the ache in his heart for her was that he knew that she would be doing these things now with someone who wasn’t him. While he was here, struggling to make through each day without her by his side, she was out there doing with another the things they used to do, the things he wished they would still do.

And what am I gonna do

When the best part of me was always you?

And what am I supposed to say

When I'm all choked up and you're OK?

He didn’t know how to function without her. They had been together for years before she broke his heart - he could scarcely remember his life before she was in it. It was like his body was shutting down without her there. The only reason he struggled through his days was the fear of what would happen to him if he didn’t, if he couldn’t do what was required of him.

I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces

(One still in love while the other one's leaving)

I'm falling to pieces

('Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even)

It seemed unfair, in Luke’s eyes, that she was able to pick herself up so quickly and carry on with her life when he was falling apart without her there to hold him together. He knew that she was fine, that she was happy, because he had asked his spies inside camp to keep an eye on her. He knew that while he was still grieving their relationship months later, it had only a few weeks for her to get over him. 

Oh, you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain

You took your suitcase, I took the blame

Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains

'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name

It angered him, how quickly she had found another. It angered him, the fact that she didn’t follow his path, that she could not see the truth in his words when he had told her why he was rising up against the gods. No, he was ‘a monster’, and it was his fault that their relationship had fallen apart as spectacularly as it had.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just praying to a god that I don't believe in

'Cause I got time while she got freedom

'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break

No, it don't break

No, it don't break even, no

Luke needed her, more than he needed the air he breathed, and she had left him behind without a second thought. His heart yearned for her, loved her in spite of the pain she caused him, but the rest of him was angry. Angry that she got to move on, free from pain, while he was trapped in bittersweet memories of their time together, heart breaking over and over until there was nothing left to break.

What am I gonna do

When the best part of me was always you?

And what am I supposed to say

When I'm all choked up and you're OK?

(Oh glad you're okay now)

He was angry because of the pain she had caused him, but he could never be angry at her. No, he was angry at the gods, the ones that she felt were worth more than their love, the ones she had left him in order to defend, when they had done fuck all to help any of their kids. He was angry, and he was going to get revenge on the gods that had torn his girl from him if it was the last thing he did. 

I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces

(Oh, I'm falling, falling)

I'm falling to pieces

(One still in love while the other one's leaving)

I'm falling to pieces

('Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no

Oh, it don't break even, no

Oh, it don't break even, no

#luke castellan x reader #luke castellan #percy jackson #pjo #oneshot #luke castellan x reader oneshot #luke castellan x fem! reader #pjooneshot #angst #pure angst #daughter of demeter #introspection #character study

[ohitsjustfee]

Lovely

I have never liked the phrase “I love you more and more each day.” It’s so unrealistic and selfish of me to be bothered by this phrase, but I am. I can’t help it. I have to be honest with myself. I feel like this phrase implies that love is fluid, and that love can be added and subtracted. One could argue that it’s a cold fact that love can wane, but I hate it. I hate that fact with a burning passion.

I want love to be an indestructible part of us all. 

“I love you fully.” When I love, it feels at full capacity. The person becomes the center of my world. I have my own interests and identity, don’t get me wrong, but I have no shame in holding someone above myself. I don’t feel like I’m betraying my gender by cleaning up after someone. To me, it is all a part of making love. I make love to a man when I hold the screen door open so he can more easily unlock it and let us in. I make love to a man when I fix his cup of coffee in the morning. I make love to a man when I order him pizza, and scratch his back because I suck at massages.

When it comes to romanticism my perfectionism can be my downfall. I know more than anyone that I am flawed. I have an addictive personality. I have an anxiety disorder. Sometimes I go through depression spells so severe that I feel like running into traffic. Sometimes I wake up from nightmares having just vividly seen some of the most gruesome and horrifying imagery a subconscious could conceive of. I have to continuously remind myself that I am worthy of love, or I will sabotage it. It’s taken me many years to learn to stop sabotaging love, and it will likely remain a work in progress.

Philosopher Alain de Botton has stated that the worst thing you can do to someone you love is show them your full self. We expect too much from partners. He believes that romanticism is a new age concept. Marriage used to be something that was a matter of convenience, child rearing, a pragmatic partnership. For sexual fun there were mistresses. For regular fun there were hobbies. Now we expect our partners to be completely sexually fulfilling, have and raise our children, maintain finances with us, keep their areas clean, and be our greatest confidant. That’s a lot. Alain argues it’s too much. He argues that the romantic period ruined us, in a sense. We expect too much from each other.

As smart as Alain is, I’m going to have to disagree with him on romance not being an innate part of human nature. I have always been fascinated by ancient graffiti, and that is all you really need to turn to to prove his theory invalid. Scribbled across the wall of the preserved-by-tragedy Pompeii is a phrase, written 2,097 years ago, that translates to “If you are able, but not willing, why do you put off our joy and kindle hope and tell me always to come back tomorrow? So, force me to die since you force me to live without you. Your gift will be to stop torturing me. Certainly, hope returns to the lover what it has once snatched away.”

All heart broken people are poets, and to romanticize is to be human. There was no romantic period that corrupted us. We simply have reached the comfortable place on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs where we can enjoy it. We don’t need cold and pragmatic partnerships. As long as we have food in our stomachs and medicine in our cabinets we can chase this whole love thing. We can spend years yearning for it, dissecting it, philosophizing about it, and beating ourselves up over it. 

I have always been a Tina Belcher type character. I don’t remember a time where I wasn’t fantasizing about love or dwelling on it. I would walk home from school my freshman year of high school and take a break on this bench along my trek. I’d sit there and think about my first boyfriend, turned first ex-boyfriend. I’d wonder where his love for me went, and how it was even possible for love to die. My passion for him died a slow, slow painful death whereas he seemed to move on with ease. I put him on a pedestal I thought I’d never be able to remove him from. 

A few weeks ago I decorated cookies with his step son, my nephew’s best friend. Life is truly funny. 

I guess that explains it all. I saw a man’s passion for me die very early in my life, and now I can’t stand the concept. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to be a dramatic little twat about it. If a man were to tell me he loves me “more and more each day” I’d take it as it was intended, to be high praise, but in the pit of my stomach I would feel this pang. For when I love, I love fully, and I have the privilege of being a spoiled little poet about it. Romanticism. It’s innate within all of us isn’t it?

My passion for passion has caused me great harm in my life, but I can’t imagine a life without it. It has almost killed me, but it also has made me feel more alive than I’ve ever felt before. My first kiss was skillfully awful, but it sent me home on a cloud of sunbeams. I didn’t feel my feet as I moved, I floated. I laid in bed at night and felt the electricity shoot through my body as I re-imagined his kiss on the corner of my mouth. I still to this day think about laughing with my ex-girlfriend as her tiny Asian ass picked me up and held me like a baby. I think about her putting her cold foot on my stomach and how we would fall over laughing constantly. I think about how beautiful she looked when the wind whipped her hair, and those long skirts she used to wear. 

I think about when this lovely man kissed me, and the shock I felt at a man’s lips being so soft. I think about when I was with a terribly unlovely man, but was so in love that I wanted to scream it from the mountain tops. I think about love.

I’ve had the great privilege and horror of being built, broken, and remolded again and again by love. I need it to stop being this fluid thing. I need it to be set in stone that I love a person, and that person loves me, fully, lest I go insane from it and bore you all with pretentious poetry (let’s be honest, I probably will anyway.) 

This was a heavy post, so I’m going to leave this on a lighter note. This is one of my favorite pieces of graffiti from the ancient ruins of Pompeii, left on the wall of a brothel: “ Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men's behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity! “

We’ve always been clowns. Lovely, loving, romantic, poetry writing clowns. And we always will be. 

I’m sorry I haven’t been streaming lately. I’ve been overloaded with work as the holidays draw near, and suffered a depression spell a few weeks ago that left me sort of wanting to isolate for a bit. I hope to stream today (Sunday). If I am not graced with your company, I want to wish you the happiest of holidays in advance. I’ll ramble at your sassy asses later. 

 “Do you recall it's name As it suggested beck and call? This face and heel Will drag your halo through the mud Ash of Pompeii Erupting in a statues dust Shrouded in veils Because these handcuffs hurt too much “ - Cicatriz Esp, The Mars Volta

#love #pompeii #ancientgraffiti #romanticism #philosophy #alaindebotton

[legisaskerator]

vent vent vent

buckle up bastards this is gonna be long as FUCK

holy fucking shit my life yhas been so goddamn hard recently and i’m not handling it well

first and foremost on my mind at this second is the fact that i am in so much fucking pain right now i do not know what to do. my EDS is acting up really really badly and i’m super bedridden right now. i took my last vicodin and i have no idea when i can get more, or how, and i have like nothing to help. i had to leave class today to weep in the fuckin bathroom because i can barely walk and even sitting up is a struggle. if i felt this sort of pain three years ago i would have likely considered doing something VERY rash to stop it and i’m amazed i’m still, almost functioning. i can barely think i’m in agony i want it to end

i’m so scared this is just the next turn that eds is taking. i know i wont ever get better but fuck, i dont want to need a mobility aid yet. i’m only fucking 22 i have to be a teacher!!! how can i fucking teach if i cant write on a board?? or maneuver around classrooms? how will i ever get a job? or even just. live in the house of my dreams. i wish there was some help for me because i am tired of ehlers danlos running my life. i am scared for my future. i cant imagine who i will become if this level of pain becomes my “normal”. someone move me to mass so i can get legal weed to try to numb myself

on the same path of injury, my mother recently injured herself very badly and was hospitalized for a little w hile. ended up needing surgery to put rods and screws and plates in her leg/ankle, and as a result, she’s not functioning for the next 12 weeks. i’m doing my best to help out aroudn the house and i’m filling in for her at work. she does advertising for a newspaper and brings the papers to subscribing businesses,, which i’m taking over now. at least i like driving?

i love my mom and i will do anythign to help her, but god it’s such a load on my shoulders. i’m  upset and frustrated because i’m strugtgling to balance my life around this sudden responsibility. it’s definitely not her i’m upset about, it’s not like she did this purposefully??? she needs the help and i am willing to give it. but i am also allowed to feel these emotions. i am upset at the /situation/. her boyf and my sister are barely helping and they’re neglectful and distant. i’m the only emotionally present one in the family and also (aside from mom) am the only nurturing, caring one in the household. i keep her from having panic attacks, i keep her anxiety down, i’m warm and i try so goddamn hard to make sure shes ok. but it’s exhausting. i’m keeping my family together it feels like, everythings crashing down and i’m the only “sane” one. which is sad because ive been a depressed wreck for weeks and have been working on scraping myself off the fucking pavement, trying to get out of the spiral. i’m scared that my mom relies so much on me. she tells me everything, things i don’t want to hear. relationship troubles primarily. i know i give great advice and am ~wise beyond my years~ (thanks trauma) but, that’s what her therapist is for. i’ve told her i wish she would, tell me less, because as her daughter it’s uncomfortable, and she always overreacts like “oh i’ll never tel you anything again if it’s so terrible then” and i end up feeling fucking awful, and it’s a nightmare. but if things keep going the way they are in their relationship (i’m not gonna spill deets because, privacy still) we might lose our house!!! and everything we’ve finally worked for!!

so i feel like, if i can’t fix this problem, it’ll be my fault our lives come crashing down.

i know that’s ridiculous. it’s not my job. 

but it still feels like it

i never feel like i’m doing enough. just in life in general. i’m not good enough i’m not working hard enough i just am not enough. i was very saturated with child prodigy shit when i was younger and that fucked up my psyche so much. it’s still thrown at me by my father, americas got talent and movies where the protag is a ~genius~. i hate it. ill never be that and i know that’s what my dad wants of me. i’m not the next bill gates i just want to be a teacher and live my life!!!! i don’t want to start a band and get famous!!!! i dont want to run a business!! i don’t want to revolutionize the world!! just let me please! follow my heart!!!!!! i can’t fucking stand it when he tries to tell me what to do with my life it makes me want to scream and wail and sjafkl; fd fjasfg;akldf

i can’t do this, man. 

i’m so alone. i’m sick of the slut life. i’ve been hoeing around for a year and it’s taking a massive toll on my self esteem and sanity. i’s a terrible coping mechanism and i’m very very not healthy about it. i only have sex when i’m heavily under the influence of something and use it as a way of getting attention, which is, awful. i often forgo protection because it’s ~inconvenient~ and the second a guy protests, i’ll cave because i ~live to please~ and don’t want to start shit. i can’t keep doing this. hooking up is the only time people ever touch me. i just want a fuckign hug sometimes

i keep seeing so many posts like “you can’t love another if you don’t love yoursel!” and “people aren’t your medicine” but what if??? they can be to an extent?? part of being uber depressed is self-isolation and i’m so, sick of it. i need some fucking comfort because right now i am suffering through my life alone and it’s so difficult. it’s not as easy as just, settling though. i’m picky with my lovers because?? i deserve someone good? everyone that’s been coming through my life like, has a fatal flaw that i just can’t do. like long term compatability is risked for me with that shit.like, too introverted, too emotionally distant, people who just aren’t smart, i can’t do it?? i just want someone who’s going to comfort me when i need it, who i can have a healthy debate with, and someone who respects my life choices and things i do. 

i’ve been talking to one guy recently who, i was hoping maybe could have been a potential. he’s super nice and considerate/respectful, hes HELLA smart, adores a bunch of the same stuff i’m into, we talk really well together, i feel comfortabgle around him, gotta say he’s hot as fuck too...and he just wants friends with benefits. I respect that. i was in a similar spot literally last semester, there was a pretty great guy but i just wasn’t in the right space for a relationship. so friends with benefits. i don’t blame this new guy for not wanting a relationship he has every right!! but oh god it hurts a little. i worry that it’s me, that i’m just a good pussy for him, or a convenient lay who’s down to clown like 99% of the time. he’s been talking to me less recently and i’m worried that he’s...done with me. idk if that’s true or if i’m just reading into it but i’m in a VERY vulnerable place right now in my life, and i really need someone by my side for it. i need the support and warmth. 

i wish my warmth would comfort me. i wish i could turn my nurturing attitude around and help myself. i wish i didn’t need smoene else for comfort. i’m a fuckin libra tho i live for romance

this guys’ great though. i hope he sticks around at least for a little bit longer. i want to learn more bout lovecraft.

my sluttiness is my biggest qualm with myself right now. it’s definitely a huge problem in my life, it’s actively causing me problems. my one friend (because, i have only one fucking friend i can actually talk to. that’s it i hAVE ONE i’m so goddamn l,onely) has been like, coaching me through making better decisions? i’m very impulsive and he’s got great advice and is quick to be like “then don’t” and shit. i’m trying really hard to make sure i dont use him as a therapist though, that’s unfair to him. i’m respectful and all that shit don’t worry bout htat. he’s a huge help to me and has been my absolute rock through college, idk where i’d be without him. he also introduced me to his friend group, who are all really amazing people? they welcomed me with open arms and no ones ever done that before. i’m always super outcasted cause i’m weird and i wont hide it because it’s ME goddamnit! but these people, they’re weird too, they’re freaks and outcasts and, while they’ve all been very close friends since they were wee tots, they still welcomed me in. they still wanted me to be part of them. i’m getting to know all of them still, but i’ve got hope that, maybe i’ve got some lifelong friends now. at the very least, i’m sure i’ve got one. 

onto phase 4 of my fuckin monologue i guess, topic SHIFT

my thesis is a mess and it’s due in three weeks, i’ve barely gotten anything done because my teacher is awful and i’m worried i’m gonna fail the course

which would be SUPER bad because, i’ve had this teacher too many times and we do not get along, she loathes my existence, and i really just need to get out. shes partly the reason i need an extra fucking year at school and i always DREAD going to her class. it’s humiliating and discouraging to spend three hours every monday there. no one else likes this professor, they’re only here becuase the school loooooves the researchers and writers. complaints dont matter. all of my other classes are fine but this one has been probably the worst, most emotionally devastating class i’ve ever taken

i don’t even get to write about a topic i want. i was forced to write about the play i was in, instead of Monty Python like i wanted (it’s a fucking comedy class!!!!!) the play is about SCHOOL SHOOTINGS (we won some national awards teehee it’s an outstanding play). yes it’s a “black comedy” but not really? it’s a drama with comedic moments? and i KNOW THIS cause i’ve been studying comedy with this professor for like three cumulative years at this point. i’m struggling beacuse there’s zero research, zero information, and has to be over 20 pages long??? like fuck? i’m so fucked

anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk. i’ve been wanting to make a vent post for like weeks but i haven’t had the time or energy and , i really needed to just....get this out. i feel a little better having all the words down. there’s still so much else going wrong in my life that i could talk about, all the car troubles, my other classes, dorm shit, but, it doesn’t matter in the light of these issues. i can get through this. i just gotta keep fighting. 

oh and if anyones like, worried, i’m not suicidal, i’m not going to do that, there’s no chance of that hpapening. i’m in a very bad place but i’m never gonig back there if i can fucking help it

#personal #vent #tw whatever idk sensitive materail or something #i just gotta breathe

[timeisacephalopod]

Death of a Bachelor

Non-powered coming out IronStrange AU in which Stephen brings Tony home under a few... false pretenses. And, as always when I write him, Stephen is Asian (Nepali). The title for this is literally because Death of a Bachelor is stuck in my head and it sorta fits lol.

Peter sighs, “just you know... be yourself,” he says.

Tony squints, “‘myself’ sucks, what kind of garbage advice is that?” he asks. “I’ve got one shot at this and I know I’m going to botch it.” He’s never been good at ‘meet the parents’. Its happened once and Pepper’s parents still hate him and they aren’t even together anymore.

“That’s what you’d tell me!” Peter says.

“That’s because you’re a sweet, loving young man and anyone would be lucky to have you. I’m an asshole with a long history of warmongering and that’s honestly not even my biggest flaw.” And that’s a fucking feat. 

“Okay you know what, is Stephen even the type to care if his parents like you? Because you’ve been for dating for over a year and I think he’s mentioned them once and that was in direct reference to his dead sister so I don’t really think it matters too much,” he says.

Probably not, Stephen isn’t the type to care what others think period. But Tony wants at least one set of parents to like him and he loves Stephen so this is probably his last chance. If all goes well he wants to propose, was going to anyways, but Stephen brought up his parents so he thought he’d deal with that first. So he really, really only has one shot at this. “It would be nice if a set of parents didn’t hate me for once. Not that I’d blame them really- if you brought home someone who’s a fan of me I’d tell you to dump them immediately. My fans are worse than Fight Club fans.”

Peter laughs, “its true. But I think that’s mostly because they think that time you were a womanizing warmongering alcoholic is like peak you and glorify it, not because you’re actually crappy,” he says.

Across the apartment the elevator door dings and Pepper steps out, “what?” she asks when they swivel to face her.

“We’re talking about dad’s crappy fans,” Peter says. “And also him meeting Stephen’s parents tomorrow.”

Pepper rolls her eyes, “ your fans are awful. They take who they want you to be and tout that image around no matter how little it actually resembles you as a person. As for Stephen’s parents, I have no advice. You’re horrible at these things,” she says.

“See?” Tony says to Peter. “Even Pepper thinks I’m hopeless.”

*

Stephen considers not telling Tony but if he doesn’t he’ll be in for a rather nasty surprise and he can see how nervous he is already. “They’re going to hate you,” he says bluntly and Tony glares at him.

“Is that really supposed to make me feel better?” he asks.

No, but that isn’t why he’s telling Tony anyways. “It won’t be your fault, they’re raging homophobes so they’re going to hate you on account of not being a woman. And I sort of told them you were Christine because I didn’t want to come out over the phone so they’re also going to be a bit surprised. Not that I care, its my grandmother I’d like to like you anyways but if she doesn’t she’s old, its entirely possible that she’s gone senile.” She’d have to be to not like Tony.

Frankly the only reason he’s doing this is because he’s going to propose and his parents Google him once and awhile to figure out what he’s up to. He can’t not tell them and if he tells his gran she’s got a big mouth, she’ll tell them accidentally or maybe on purpose- its hard to tell with her- and then he’ll have to explain himself. So to bypass all that drama he figures he’ll bring Tony home, deal with his parents’ crap, and then propose and get married in peace. Assuming Tony says yes and its a very real possibility he won’t. He’s only been stated that he’s not a marriage person his entire life.

God, he loathes risks he can’t determine the outcome of with at least some educated success.

“This is going to be a disaster,” Tony mumbles and Stephen pities him, really. At least his parents are dead so Stephen doesn’t need to worry about impressing the dust in their graves.

*

To say meeting Stephen’s parents goes badly is an understatement. The first thing they did was look confused, which Tony can’t blame them for considering he very much does not look like a ‘Christine’ let alone Stephen’s Christine. First of all she’s taller. Then Stephen had issued a rather formal ‘I’m bisexual’ and pretended like he hadn’t just said that and then his parents launched into transphobia with their relief that Stephen wasn’t dating some kind of freak. Because apparently he can totally pass as a Christine. Stephen had winced almost harder at that than Tony considering he obviously forgot Peter is trans and Tony doesn’t have the patience for people insulting that.

As it was he only kept his mouth shut because he didn’t want to make anything worse but Stephen’s parents insist of doing that themselves with their weird and invasive questions. Eventually Stephen’s old as shit grandmother told them to shut up, which had resulted in the best part of the night. It had been pretty clear that Stephen’s relationship with his grandmother was stronger than the one with his parents so he’d look pleased when she stood up for Tony, who was very close to his wits end and he thinks he has a dash of patience these days.

When she tells him to stop putting up with Stephen’s parent’s shit Stephen stuffs his face into his glass of wine, obviously anticipating disaster. Tony considers not saying anything but he’s had a bad night and frankly it can’t get worse. 

“Alright- I know I’m more than famous enough for both of you to know who I am and that I’m a recovering alcoholic. Stop trying to offer my wine, its ignorant. Neither Stephen nor I are the woman in our relationship, that’s the fucking point. Neither of us even fit traditional gender roles anyways and if this is some weird, coded way to ask about our sex life neither of us fit the ‘top’ or ‘bottom’ stereotypes either and its fucking boring to stick to one or the other. Also what the hell would it have mattered if I really was Christine? The fuck does my junk or gender have to do with you? You have a lovely home, but its too bad such shit people live in it. Except you, you seem like you’d be fun a a bachelor party,” he says to Stephen’s grandmother.

She grins at Stephen while his parents sit dumbfounded, “I like him, he’s spunky!” she says. Yeah, because apparently the woman who’s two days older than the damn earth itself is more openminded than people half her age.

*

By the time Tony gets home Stephen is howling with laughter. “I can’t believe you started quoting studies at them,” he says, shaking his head.

“Its not my fault they’re idiots, someone had to tell them they’re wrong and also I have an eidetic memory. Figured I’d put it to good use,” he says.

Stephen shakes his head, “well, at least you made that marginally less painful and gran likes you so there’s that. And she’s not easy to impress- she didn’t like actual Christine.”

Tony smiles, “she knew you weren’t going to last or at least that’s what she told me. And also she’s still convinced Christine is a lesbian even though I’m pretty sure she’s bisexual. But she seems to think we’re good together and she’s also completely convinced your father isn’t actually your father. She’s certain your mother cheated on him at some point but given the fact that she’s Asian and the guy she thinks is your actual father is white it’d be basically impossible to tell. Which is how she explains how fucking tall you are.” Turns out the woman, despite her age, is quite spry and has a lot of opinions that she’d been happy to share with Tony. But her conspiracies on Stephen’s parentage were his favorite and, to humor the woman, he agreed to run a DNA test to confirm or deny who Stephen’s father is.

Stephen lets out a long, drawn out sigh that indicates he’s heard this before. “I’ve told her a million times there is no way more than one person would be willing to sleep with my mother. I’m shocked one person was willing to sleep with my mother and if it weren’t for the pictures I’d assume I’d been kidnapped as a child.”

“Yeah, but apparently your actual father is a very tall Scandinavian man and I think your grandmother is on to something. I looked up the average height in Nepal and you’re a literal foot taller than that. You’d be a giant there,” he says.

“And if we’re going by the average height in Italy, you’d be a woman,” Stephen says, giving Tony an irritated look.

“Rude,” Tony mumbles.

*

Stephen settles an arm around Tony’s waist, “I think maybe we should have waited until she died to get married,” he says, eyeing his grandmother talking to Peter.

“I’ve always wanted a grandson that isn’t a massive prick, you seem like a lovely young man,” she says, grinning happily.

Tony looks up at Stephen, who is indeed his father’s child, “your grandma gives off chaotic trickster vibes, I’m half convinced she’s immortal.” 

Stephen sighs, “you probably aren’t aren’t wrong,” he says.

“I don’t think Stephen is that bad,” Peter says in Stephen’s defense not that it works out in his favor given his grandma’s reaction.

“Honey I’m old, but my senses are still working just fine. He’s an arrogant little shit,” she says. Tony doesn’t think he’s ever seen a grandmother swear that much but when he met all her spunky granny friends last week he’d been subjected to a bunch of sex jokes and talk of dildos so he’s not really surprised anymore. Even if he genuinely had no clue that grandmothers made sex jokes.

“I think I’ve earned my arrogance,” Stephen mumbles, coming to his own defense.

“That doesn’t explain why you’ve been like this your whole life. Take some lessons from Peter, he’s humble,” she tells him and Tony snorts and starts laughing. 

“Our wedding is gunna be awesome,” he says.

#ironstrange #tony x stephen strange #alternate universe #fanfiction #writing #coming out fic

[neverreallythoughtaboutthefuture]

I made this video after reading @roguepythia’s emotional and very heartfelt response to having watched “Pacific Rim Uprising” for the first time, hoping to cheer her up a bit, by gently reminding her that no matter what people choose to take away from the original, or what they do with the characters, it can never take anything away from what was, and very much still is.

Yes, I will never quite forgive them for how they chose to “continue” the original characters’ stories, either. Mako, most of all, but also Newton.   He’s probably not the worst offense, all things considered, because there could eventually be a way out of it (assuming they make a 3rd one).  But I know a lot of neurodivergent people who strongly identified with him (while, as an adult with ADHD, oddly enough the one whose behavior reminded me the most of my own was Raleigh), and Guillermo Del Toro himself had told the actor that, since his character left such a profound emotional impact on the fandom, he was dropping the idea of what they finally went with (trying to avoid spoilers is so hard!  Lol!). Also, they removed any mention of Raleigh that could have given fans some sense of closure (especially in relation to Mako) in the very off-chance that a) there’s a 3rd one and b) Charlie Hunnam will still be interested / available. It almost felt like they included original characters from the first movie simply to ensure a sense of continuity, while not being interested in who they are, nor what they represented and symbolized in that universe, and for people in the fandom. Still, I remain confident that it won’t prevent people who deeply connected with Guillermo Del Toro’s original movie from fully enjoying, appreciating, and loving what, to me, will forever remain a masterpiece, and up until this day the greatest movie of all time! This fanvid is thus dedicated to those of you who fell in love with a young boy – his loss carved deep into his skin – who, when faced with the strength, resourcefulness, and potential of another human being, chose to value her goals and dreams, use his pain to help her overcome her own, and in doing so allowed her to help him heal and save himself.

A young girl with kaiju-stained hair, carrying her little red shoe in her hands – filled with the powerful drive to fight back against the monsters that tried to take her heart from her – who, when faced with someone who’d lost his own will to fight and believe in himself, allowed him to connect with her own, share her goals, become responsible for her (as the more experienced co-pilot), and readily accepted and valued his support and guidance, while accompanying each other on their respective and shared journeys.

 A young woman who – by being willing to rely on him the same way he used to rely on his big brother to guide him – ended up putting that young man in a position of having to make the conscious choice of sacrificing his own chances of survival to keep the one he’d chosen to become responsible for safe.  

Yancy didn’t die because Raleigh failed to save him.  And even if there had been time for him to decide which one of them would live or die, chances are that, had his little brother’s fate been in his hands, Yancy would still have chosen to keep Raleigh safe.

“Anyone can fall.” Bad things happen to good people. Life is unfair, and rarely is it about what one does or doesn’t deserve.

Things are simply what they are, you do the best you can do with the resources and the opportunities you have, ideally while trying to find some balance between your needs, skills, objectives, and those of the other people around you.

To me, this quote was at the very core of the message I took from the movie.  

Beyond Mako and Raleigh’s own stories, I also fell in love with all the parallels that could be drawn between Raleigh and Chuck, Mako and Chuck (who, in many ways, possessed many of both Raleigh and Mako’s character traits and issues, but was paired with a father that didn’t know how to properly help his son address and manage them), Herc and Stacker, Newton and Hermann, Raleigh and Newton, etc.

And yes, through it all, we were offered scenes that were splendidly filmed (I could watch the rain fall on Mako’s umbrella, just before she adjusts it to reveal herself to the audience for the first time while Stacker and Raleigh’s helicopter is landing all day!), treated to one of the most amazing movie theme and score I’ve ever heard…

Not to mention the absolute joy of watching those giant robots facing off with giant monsters! But those were the icing on the cake rather than the core of the movie to me. 

End of the day, it’s not the Jaegers that had me in awe, and turned “Pacific Rim” into my favorite movie of all time…  It was the Drift between co-pilots, and the way emotional empathy and trust between a group of people and misfits with various backgrounds, cultures, stories, traumas and issues was shown to be the most effective way for humanity to vanquish its monsters.

It was how the movie ended up with a “main lead” in a very strong supportive role, that merely contributes to the success of the mission by choosing to get involved with the skills and resources he has, rather than being the big hero of the story with something unique that couldn’t have been done by anyone else but him.

It was how the whole movie was presented as this great human mosaic with flawed and complex characters that people could easily related to – heroes of the story rather than hero of the story – in a world filled with heart and symbolism.

And sadly, after watching “Pacific Rim Uprising”, where suddenly a bunch of cadets are randomly thrown into Jaegers without us ever having been given a chance to learn more about them (ex: what motivated them to join the post-war efforts with the PPDC…  What connects them to their given co-pilot(s)?  How do they relate to each other?)…

I found myself echoing Hannibal Chau after the credits, and wondering: “Where is my goddamn (little red) shoe?”

I am now very much in the process of coming to terms with the fact that, what made me hopelessly fall in love with Guillermo Del Toro’s movie in the first place apparently wasn’t what the people that were ultimately put in charge of the sequel perceived as being the most important for it to succeed (and doing videos as a coping mechanism).

Is it to say “Pacific Rim Uprising” is a terrible movie?  Perhaps not.  Perhaps if it had been my first introduction to that universe, and I didn’t know any of the previous characters and the Drift, I would have enjoyed it the same way I enjoyed watching “Jason X”, or “Piranha 3D”!

But I made the mistake of falling in love with an Australian father and son duo, that have such trouble showing each other affection outside of the Drift that, all the love they can’t directly express each other, they express towards their dog.

It’s all those little details that made the first movie so fascinating and more and more exciting to watch with each renewed viewing! Sadly, I’m reasonably sure I wasn’t the type of audience the sequel had in mind. 

Hence why I can’t say that “Pacific Rim Uprising” is “bad” for what it aimed to be this time around.   Nor do I wish to imply that “Pacific Rim” can’t be enjoyed as mindless “big robots v.s. monsters” entertainment, too. 

Or, you know, anywhere in the spectrum between “dumb fun” and “deserves an Oscar”.

I don’t think there’s ever a right or wrong way to enjoy a movie. 

Just that the way I personally enjoyed this one didn’t seem to carry on in the sequel at all.

It is what it is. Anyone can fall.  Or rise, depending on what you like.

Yes, I am disappointed that I couldn’t find my little red shoe in the new installment.

But, on the plus side, it has inspired me to reconnect even more strongly with the original, revisit some of my writings, feelings, and thoughts about those characters, etc.

All things considered, I’m definitely good with that!

#pacific rim #yancy becket #raleigh becket #mako mori #chuck hansen #herc hansen #stacker pentecost #hermann gottlieb #newton geiszler #tendo choi #gipsy danger #striker eureka #crimson typhoon #cherno alpha #hannibal chau #kaidanovsky #wei tang clan #pacific rim cast #chaleigh #maleigh #my stuff #my posts #my thoughts #videos #roguepythia

[blackbatpurplecat]

My Thoughts on Batman #50

Originally, I had not planned on writing a review on the latest Batman disaster, eh I of course mean issue. Many people have already said many things about it so it’s impossible for me to say anything new. But a few lovely kittybats have asked me for my opinion so here we are.

So what’s the shameless clickbait’s story: I have no idea how much time has passed since the rushed proposal and now but while beating up Kite Man, Batman and Catwoman spontaneously set up a rushed wedding for the same night. Quelle surprise. They don’t want to invite any of their loved ones except for one witness each and a drunk as fuck judge. You know, everyone’s dream wedding. This is like drunk Las Vegas levels of romantic.

Batman goes to a bar to get a drunk judge. Not even very subtly but for everyone to see because he’s “the master of disguise.” And Catwoman gets Holly out of Arkham. Because for whATEVER THE FUCK REASON, Selina is STILL friends with the mass murdering psychopath who doesn’t give a fuck about Selina, was okay with Selina dying for her and also tried to kill the man Selina allegedly loves.

Bruce comes home to prepare with Alfred. Selina brings her deranged mass murderer to Wayne Manor to help her put on her cat funeral dress. The toxic fumes from the sewers Selina had dragged the dress through have apparently finally kicked in because it’s not black/white anymore but black/lilac.

Both pairs leave their walk-in closets at the same time, see each other, Bruce and Selina kiss, and then each pair goes to another room to have a last moment of whatever. I mean they’re ready, they could just leave then and there! Grab the limo and go, what’s so hard about that?!

In the most touching moment of the issue, Bruce asks Alfred to be his witness. Then father and son hug. They don’t even use that many words, it’s just a simple understanding of mutual love. It’s beautiful. Though while I smiled at those panels, I wish a moment between the groom and the groom’s father was not the loveliest display of affection in a fucking WEDDING issue but who cares.

Meanwhile, Selina and Holly talk. Holly says that she’s never seen Batman so happy and that she’s always thought Batman can’t be happy to be who he is. On the way to the rooftop they want to get married on (because that’s ALL there is to those two characters. fuck you, King), Selina seems concerned. She’s written a letter to Bruce to express her feelings for him but hasn’t finished it yet. Then she asks Holly if she thinks that Catwoman’s a hero. Holly says “yeah sure” while looking absolutely sincere and caring and NOT suspicious AT ALL.

Seriously WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! Why not write I AM EVIL on her forehead as if we wouldn’t already know how fucked up Holly is. After EVERYTHING, why are we supposed to think that Holly is Selina’s friend?! Why does Selina still think she’s her friend?!

But I digress.

So while Selina is apparently wondering if she’s worthy of the BIG HERO BATMAN, Bruce asks Alfred if he can be happy. Alfred answers “yeah sure.” I mean it’s not as if Bruce has ever been happy before, right? He only has a loving father, a big family, good friends and colleagues. No one of them makes him feel any happiness ever.

We cut back to Selina who’s crying on a different rooftop. She’s finished her letter to Bruce in which she explains why she can’t marry him, and put it in the Batcave for him to read later. Later as in after she’s torn out his heart. She throws away her ridiculous cat ears veil and jumps off. Then we cut back to the “wedding.” Bruce, Alfred, and the drunk judge have been waiting for a long while. By the way, I have NO idea where Bruce had stored the judge while he was getting ready! Was he in the Batmobile’s trunk? Chained to the rooftop? We’ll never know.

Alfred tries to explain away Selina being late but Bruce knows she won’t come. He throws away his tie and jumps off, leaving Alfred yet again to deal with everything. But this time, it’s understandable. That man, who doesn’t trust easily, has just been stood up at the altar by the woman he loves.

I know they’ll probably reconcile eventually in the distant future because COMICS but in reality, that relationship would be fucked beyond repair. You leave me at the altar without a word? You are fucking dead to me and I don’t EVER want to see or hear from you again.

We then see Holly at Arkham Asylum. Selina had apparently locked her back up, that’s why Holly is walking around now (WTF?!). Holly enters a cell or the basement or whatever that place is and kneels before Bane and his homies, consisting of Riddler, Joker, Hugo Strange, Scarface (and the Hand up his ass), Flashpoint Batman a.k.a. Thomas Wayne and characters I don’t care to look up.

It’s revealed that everything has been Bane’s plan! I’m not 100% sure how far back this revelation goes but I’m guessing to the beginning. Bane had recruited Batman’s enemies and allies(?) to carry out an impossible to foresee chain of events that would result in Batman being emotionally broken. Everything was set up so Batman would get Selina out of Arkham to fight Bane and from there, Bane had hoped things would unfold just the way he wanted...? What is this, the DCEU?

So Thomas Wayne talked Bruce into the rushed proposal - what if Bruce had not fallen for it? Joker told Selina to break up with Batman - she seemed more than sure of herself and why should she care what JOKER says?! Holly told Selina she makes Bruce happy - and THAT made Selina question everything?!

It’s dumb. As always.

What I haven’t really mentioned so far are the letters Bruce and Selina had written to each other for after the wedding. I thought that’s what vows are for but what do I know. King once again refers to apparently the only issues he’s ever read about Batman and Catwoman and shows us ONCE AGAIN his poor writing skills:

So Bruce remembers how they met in Batman #1 (1940). How The Cat was just another criminal until he saw her eyes. He saw that her green eyes were actually blue and orange and red and purple and yellow and I have absolutely no idea what drugs Bruce was on that day. And because Selina’s green eyes were blue, he knew she was different, a mystery to be solved. But she’s not a mystery to be solved. And because she’s not a mystery to be solved, he realized HE can’t be solved, can be more than the boy who lost his parents, can be the man who loves her. Alright. Cool essay on eyes, Bruce. Your color theory was a bit off but you proved you’ve heard of it. Now you wanna tell her what you love about Selina’s character? Or why you love her? No? Okay.

Selina remembers how they met in Batman: Year One #1 (1987). How an undercover Bruce tried to save Holly and how Selina beat him up for it. (I still don’t know how Selina knows that was him) She thought he was just another asshole (for saving your asshole friend... Selina, I believe you are the asshole here) until she saw his eyes. She saw that his blue eyes were actually white and yellow and green. What the fuck?! Had Scarecrow farted that day and the fumes were all over Gotham?! Are they all high all the time?! And because his blue eyes weren’t really blue, she knew he was different, a perfect hero without flaws. But he’s not a perfect hero without flaws, he’s still the boy in pain who despite the pain, goes out to save everyone. He’s still a child and that makes him a hero and Selina realized if she married that heroic child, Bruce would be happy and stop trying to save the weak and innocent. She can’t do that to Gotham. So as a heroic sacrifice, she’ll break his heart and not show up to the wedding so he can be super fucking miserable to be in better shape to save people. Selina, even I wouldn’t want to marry you after you pulled this dumb shit.

Yes, we’re back to that old and fucking idiotic idea that Batman can never be happy; that Batman has to be a miserable, depressed, sad fuck to be Batman. Whoop dee doo. That certainly has NEVER been brought up in the comics. Let’s ignore that Batman goes out to save people DESPITE being depressed, not BECAUSE. That he’s turned sadness into something good. And that being married to the love of his life does not magically cure depression. That being happy is just another motivator to go out and save people. Yup, let’s ignore logic altogether.

So without considering everything behind the scenes, it’s an okay issue. It’s nothing special, it’s not outstandingly written but rather hacky (because it’s King). It has pretty art (because it’s Jones) and it’s basically an art gallery. We get many absolutely gorgeous pieces, MUCH better than most variant covers, of Batman and Catwoman. Some are original, some reference old stories. I was very happy to see some purple Catwoman art there!

All in all, Batman #50 was dull.

---

Now on to the clusterfuck behind the scenes:

You all already know that I’ve never liked Tom King’s writing. He has nice ideas but his execution is utterly awful. He doesn’t understand the characters he’s writing, he doesn’t get their motivations, he’s turned Selina into a stupid Mary Sue, he has no consistent time line etc etc. There’s a lot wrong with King’s run but BatCat fans were so starved for more BatCat that they were willing to overlook the dumbness and just enjoy the BatCat interaction. Even though Bruce and Selina very rarely interacted or even shared panels in that 50 issues run.

Ironically, I want to use King’s words here to describe him and his style:

He thinks he knows something deep. Profound. But he doesn’t know a damn thing.

Then DC and King proudly announced that #50 would be the big WEDDING ISSUE, the thing everyone’s waited for. I was suspicious. But NO WE MEAN IT YOU ARE INVITED TO THE WEDDING HERE YOU HAVE A WEDDING ALBUM AND HERE IS THE DRESS AND THE BACHELORETTE PARTY AND WE SEND TOM KING TO TALK ABOUT BATCAT’S LOVE ON TV AND THE ISSUE WILL HAVE 5000 VARIANT COVERS MARK THE DATE JULY 4TH THE WEDDING WEDDING WEDDING NOT A TRICK THIS TIME

The closer the date came, the more I was willing to think “hm maybe they’ll actually do it, they even gave Catwoman her solo run back, I’m sure Selina being married to Bruce will give Jones many ideas to write about, we’ll get a married woman in her own solo title and a married Batman, and why would they get so many artists to draw variant covers if it’s not happening, it would be SUCH a HUGE dick move if they canceled it at the last second”

But then DC did what they do best - disappoint. They themselves spoiled the ending a few days before the issue came out. While artists were still showing off their wedding pieces, while comic book stores were preparing events with decoration and cake and costumes, while people were putting #50 on their pre-order list, DC pulled the rug out from under EVERYONE’s feet.

It was ALL a big setup. A marketing stunt to boost sales. And unfortunately, it was successful. Doesn’t matter how many fans were disappointed and hurt, how many fans canceled their pre-orders - the numbers were big and black and that was what mattered.

After the big spoiler, King headed to Twitter, trying to do some damage control. I AM SO ANGRY PLEASE DON’T BE DISAPPOINTED THERE ARE STILL 50 MORE ISSUES TO COME PLEASE BUY MORE OF MY COMICS I PROMISE MY STORY ARC IS TOTALLY CELEBRATING BATCAT’S LOVE JUST STAY AND BUY MY COMICS

You ever heard of the story The Boy Who Cried Wolf? King, DC, you blew it. You blew it BIG time! I even dare to say you’ve never blown it like this before! Sure, you’ve disappointed and treated us like shit before but this time, people actually believed you. New readers who had not been burned by you trusted you and old readers desperately wanted to trust you because we all love that iconic couple.

What makes this entire affair worse than everything else is the huge buildup. You assured us #50 would be the game changer, you put so much effort into fooling us, so much money to set up a ploy. Fans are deeply disappointed because they had thought this was FINALLY the real deal after all those years. I mean BatCat have been married before. Many times. But it was always either AU stories or you rebooted it. And it had never been hyped up like this before.

Personally, I’m tired of being right. I’m tired of the same old spiel over and over. I wanted it to be real for everyone who got excited over it but what I had feared would happen happened. I’m kinda glad I never got into King’s run because that meant I wasn’t that badly hurt. But I saw the reactions of other fans and my heart goes out to all of them.

DC and King could have simply published a comic with a huge FUCK YOU splash page as centerfold. And the worst part is THAT WAS IT! The hype is dead, hope and trust are gone. Even IF Bruce and Selina eventually get married in #100, the pure happiness and excitement will never come back. It’ll be tainted, we will all be wary, no one will dare to get their hopes up again. Now everyone feels like I felt after the proposal issue; it was the big first time and it was bad. The first time can never be recreated and that wedding craze can never be recreated either.

And we don’t have any reason to feel safe. Again, even IF the wedding happens in the last issue (and I’m sure it would be the last issue as the BIG FINALE because no one wants to write or read about badass characters being married, marriage is boring after all), DC will eventually get another writer. Who tells me the next writer won’t break them up again? Who tells me King will actually let them get married in the first place? He’s lied to us before, why still have faith in him?

So after #50, we’ll get more issues of a depressed Batman who will hunt down Bane and make up with Selina (even though I doubt she deserves it). Maybe we’ll see the Batfamily’s reaction to the fucked up wedding (judging by King’s tropes, it’ll happen over burgers), each member’s relationship with Selina will be strained, maybe Holly gets her ass kicked, I don’t know.

And frankly, I don’t care. I don’t want to read the same bullshit I’ve been reading for years just written more poorly (because it’s King). I wanted to see Bruce and Selina together. I didn’t get it so who gives a fuck anymore.

I’m only excited for the TRUE Bruce x Selina wedding that’s coming up in Chris Dee’s Cat-Tales fanfic. I know she won’t disappoint her readers.

#review #batcat

[knightofbalance-13]

Why I think Darling In The Franxx is better than Evangelion.

...

Look, I won’t insult you by saying that this is a purely objective post nor am I going to say that Darling In The Franxx is gonna always be this good. However, considering my unbashed loathing of Evangelion and my very high adoration of Darling In The Franxx combined with the latter taking so much from the former I feel as though I need to explain why I prefer Franxx over Evangelion, both from a subjective and (as much as I can) objective point of view.

First off, the characters. My issue with Evangelion’s character was that I either loathed the characters when I was suppose to like them or even loath them for different reasons. My examples for this include Misato who I loath for being an adult who could have stopped so much pain and suffering if she talked to Shinji for more than five minutes or at least stopped hitting on him and SEELE who I hated for being boring and pretentious, essentially wasting my time.  Or I feel wholly unattached to them, the examples being the Brudge Bunnies for having little to no personality between them, Dr. Akagi because I have no idea who you really are and Rei, who resets partway but even then I found her so boring I never cared.  Or I do like them...and I’m punished for it by the show, prime example being Shinji Ikari getting fucked over by forces out of his control. Simply put: Everything about the characters in Evangelion prevent me from getting invested in them thus I cannot care about them (Hell, I laughed when Mistao got shot.)

But with Darling In The Franxx, that isn't the case. I can care about Hiro trying to keep up his relationship with Zero Two without worrying too much about it going to shit. I can care about Ichigo trying to help Hiro be happy as well as being the squad leader without worrying about her dying or something. I can care about Zero Two trying to fight against the Klauxosaurs and becoming human. I can also enjoy them just for who they are with how they act and how they interact. The children all have distinct and virbrant personalities that make them a treat to watch on their own. Even Hiro is enjpyable to watch because he can act as the straight man to anyone in the show and thus give the audience someone to relate to, especially with Zero Two. And even with characters I’m suppose to hate, I hate in an enjoyable sense. I hate Dr. Franxx for fucking with Zero two at such a young age but I know I’m suppose to hate him and his actions bring Hiro and Zero Two together. I can care about these characters and the others because they were built better: They have better personalities, better interactions, better places in the story and more emotional connections with me

Speaking of interactions, one of my BIGGEST compliants with Evangelion was that it was full on willing to show how terrible human relationships are...but when it came to actually showing the GOOD, it apparently suffers from short term memory loss. Shinji and Asuka, Shinji and Rei. Asuka and Kanji, Mistao and SHinji, Misato and Kanji, Gendo and Yui, Gendo and Akagi- NONE of the relationships in Evangelion should EVER have happened, both romantic and platonic. This is because the show displays these relationships as fundamentally toxic and hurts EVERYONE involved. Why should I care about humanity when it shows humanity itself is basically self destructive? Just as well, relationships with other people is a key part of being human and character relationships are a key part of writing. SO when I see nothing but toxic relationships, I end up being numb towards the whole show and  thus I don't care about anything.

On the opposite end, Darling in The Franxx shows the characters in HEALTHY relationships. The pistils and stamen, in all but one case, actually function properly. I can see these characters getting along and being happy with one another and get invested in them. When they get in danger, I not only worry for that character but for the others as well because of how that one person’s death could affect them. And when things are slow, I can enjoy the hijinks and the emotional moments between the parastites. The best example of this is the main couple of Hiro and Zero Two. Yeah, they both have issues and the relationship can be shaky at times but overall the two really feed into one another: Hiro helps Zero Two be grounded and relate to the audience as well as be held back when needed and Zero Two makes Hiro more emotional and less of a blank slate. Essentially: they are Shinji and Asuka done right.

Moving away from characters, both series drop the mecha aspect of their show latter on in their life spans but Darling In The Franxx drop it a LOT sooner so the show can focus more on the characters. This gives the show time to set up the world more, give the side characters some focus in order to endear them to us and foreshadow events to come whereas Evangelion dropped it suddenly, left many of it’s side characters in need of development to have any sort of impact but there was no time and a lot of stuff just seems to come out of nowhere.

The pacing of Darling in the Franxx is better as well. Evangelion spent a great chunk of it’s runtime pulling a “monster of the week” mecha show which makes the sudden change to the more psychological aspects of latter run more jarring as well as certain plot points to either be forgotten or rushed. WIth Darling in the Franxx, the show stops the whole Monster Of The Week shtick at episode 6 and uses this time to slow down and take it’s time developing it’s characters before paying off latter down the line, thus making the show more easy to digest than before.

The monsters themselves are a bit of a weird case. While the Angels in EVangelion are more unique and stylized in design, which makes thigs more fun to watch as they are battled against...considering we’re not suppose to be cheering for the Angels, that ends up biting the show in the ass. I like the Angels more than the Klauxsaurs...but that makes them dying less heroic and more tragic, especially with the implication there is only one like them. And considering how horrible most  of the humans are, I was more likely to cheer for the Angels (AKA the VILLAINS) than the heroes whereas in Darling In The franxx, I see the Klauxsaurs as animals that need to be put down before they can hurt the heroes or cause destruction, thus THEIR defeat feels more heroic and satisfying.

The mechas are pretty cut and dry for me. Yeah, the Eva units are neat and all...but they’re too flesh-like to marvel at the ingenuity of humanity and too machine like for me to be interested in them. Not only that, despite actually being cyborgs, the Eva Units don’t really have their own identities aside from Eva Uni 01 and I fucking hate that waste of flesh and metal. But with the Franxx, they have enough human attributes and distinct looks to feel invested in them and their humanoid faces serve to express what the characters are feeling without being taken out of the action. But they do look mechanical enough that you can watch in awe at a man-made machine doing such complex movements and manuvers as well as triumphing over impossible odds that makes you feel awesome for just being human.

The story sure as hell is a lot more enjoyable in Darling In The Franxx. Evangelion not only dropped the ball taking soo much time with the Monster of The Week set up that the actual story is too compacted to be engaging as well as the fact that it went off into pseudo-existential crisis so much that it became dull and pretentious. Darling In The Franxx gives it’s true story time to breath and settle in, especially since it has been established and shown since episode 1. I can enjoy and digest and comprehend Darling In The Franxx more easily, allowing me to search for more nuances and little aspects more whereas with Evangelion, I’m too busy trying to figure out what the fuck is going and what message I’m suppose to get to see anything little and rewarding.

And finally, the tone of both series or rather, how Darling in the Franxx did it better. Evangelion up to the very end went with a very bleak, very dark, very hopeless tone. Now the tone itself is not a problem, you can do this kind of tine very well, the best example being Berserk and the way it used the inner darkness and hopelessness of the world to paint an almost oppressive, gripping tale. However, that was because Berserk fully embraced that and choose a story that worked with it. Evangelion however decided thatit could still be hopeful and choose a story that simply didn’t mesh well with it, meaning it tried to tell a story of a boy finally opening up to the world while conditioning the audience to believe he’ll get punished unfair and disproportionately for it. The show tries having hopeful moments but the audience is conditioned to know it won’t last. The show tries to end happy but the tone says otherwise. WIth Darling in The Franxx, the tone is still dark but not COMPLETELY. There can be hope in the show because it has worked in the past. There can be a chance for a better time because it worked in the past. There is more investment and hope and love for the story because the tone conditioned the audience right. This being especially prevelant in Episode 13 where in the previous episode there was hope that things would work out alright and in that very same episode, that idea was fed and nutured until it blossomed at the end.

And I could go on and on and on but I’ll stop here for now. Why Darling In The Franxx works better is a bit complicated but still easy to understand. Evangelion didn’t have very many positive sources to draw from because it was among the first shows to do this breed of show. Thus it screwed up due to there being no chance for positivity in the show, However, Gainax’s NEXT anime actually serves as the best show to taken inspiration from WITH Evangelion: FLCL. FLCL managed to cover up a lot of the flaws with Evangelion form having a lighter tone, wackier moments, better relationships and more positive payoff. FLCL itself has a number issues with not taking itself seriously, being a bit too happy, glossing over the bad aspects of relationships as so on. Which is why shows that borrow from both tend to work the best. Prime example being Gurren Lagann with a middle of the road tone that allowed for any number of messages as well as striking close to home with characters that worked both positively and negatively with a story that struck the right balance between the two.

Essentailly, Darling In The Franxx took the best of both shows and thus had a lot more potential in the beginning than the others. Gurren Lagann did the same and it became the Magnum Opus of Studio Gainax, becoming the true successor to their first work. And I believe Franxx is on the road to being a true successor to Evangelion.

#darling in the franxx #studio trigger #studio gainax

[padfootagain]

New Year’s Hesitations

Is there a better way to finish this year than by a very cute Ben Barnes imagine full of fluff? I think not, so here we go!

I'm writing the request made by @itsjustmylifeconfessions who asked for a Ben x Reader fic in which the Reader is scared because she really likes Ben but thinks that she's not good enough for him so she decides to stop things. She leaves during a party (hmm hmm, guess what kind of party I've chosen, judging by the title), but Ben convinces her to stay with him because he likes her (hmm hmm) and he is scared too. And it was explicitly asked that this would contain lots and lots of fluff!!!

So a bit of angst and lots of cutie Ben to end this year that (I don't know for you but for me at least) was awful for most part.

Hope you all like it, and I wish you all a Happy New Year!

Pairing: Ben Barnes x reader

Word Count : 2719

You could hear his bright and earnest laugh crossing the large room. You were at a party thrown by some of your and Ben's friends. You knew a few people luckily, but that didn't avoid you to feel uncomfortable, to feel lonely as you watched your boyfriend chatting merrily with a blond woman you remembered was a very skilled surgeon.

A skilled surgeon... really?!

You heaved a sigh, drinking some of the Champagne in your glass, the bubbles of gas tickling your mouth and the alcohol warming your cheeks.

It was stupid, this feeling of yours. This feeling that Ben could have better. This feeling that every woman he encountered was better for him than you were. This feeling of jealousy that was crushing your heart and made you ashamed of yourself. You knew Ben enough to be certain that he would never cheat on you.

Leave you for another woman though, remained plausible...

You finished your drink in one large gulp, before putting the glass down on the table next to you. Your head was spinning for a few seconds, and you blamed it on the loud music, the bright colours surrounding you and the alcohol you had just drunk and was now running through your veins, although you knew that part of it was due to this blond surgeon giving Ben a flirtatious smile. To which Ben replied with an amused smile, as he apparently didn't notice the flirt in her behaviour. That wasn't really surprising coming from him though. Ben seemed completely unable to detect flirting, it had been the same when you had met him.

You looked away from Ben when you saw him slowly turning his head towards you, fleeing these brown eyes of his that you adored.

The truth was, you had been feeling this way for a while now. Like you were not good enough for him. When you stood side by side, hand in hand, you couldn't help but feel it. Feel like you were not beautiful enough, not dressed well enough, not smiling enough, not smart enough, not funny enough... just... not enough. You felt like he could have better. You were just a normal woman. You were not claiming to have only flaws but you didn't feel like everyone was looking at you when you entered a room, like you were shining. For Ben it was another story...

And it was scaring you. Hell, it was terrifying... this feeling in your chest that Ben could be happier with someone else.

Although he seemed to be happy by your side. He was making you laugh like no one had ever managed to before, he was sweet and gentle, he was about everything you had always longed to find in another human being. And if he thought that you were not enough, he for sure didn't show it. Every time he looked at you, he had this happy and mesmerized expression shining in his dark eyes...

You couldn't understand how you could elicit such feelings in a man like him though. And it was scaring you as well. Because if you couldn't see it, perhaps one day, he would stop seeing it too, and what then?

The tears, the shouts, the tones of dirty tissues, the heartbreak...

You didn't want to have to go through that all over again.

Perhaps it was safer for you to go. The thought had been lingering in your mind for a while now. It would be better for him, you had no real doubt about that, and perhaps it would be better for you too...

Perhaps it was partly New Year messing with your head, but you felt like a brand new year was a good moment to make a new start.

When you turned around again, Ben was looking at the doctor once more, chatting merrily. And when she touched his arm, it was too much. You had to get out of there and fast.

You strode across the room and headed towards the front door, grabbing your coat as you walked.

But Ben spotted you.

He saw you walking across the large room and toward the door, taking your coat without slowing down your hurried pace. He frowned hard, not understanding why you were going outside. He took a look at the clock up there on the wall. It was almost midnight...

"Sorry, I think my girlfriend has a problem, we'll talk later if you want," Ben told the woman before him.

She merely smiled.

"Sure," she nodded, and he didn't hear the bitterness in her voice.

He hurried after you, zigzagging through the crowd, until he finally reached the door.

He shivered as the cold air hit his skin, and it's only then that he noticed that he hadn't grabbed his coat. But the thought soon disappeared from his mind as he focused upon you again, searching for your silhouette through the cold night. It took him several seconds to spot you as you hurried down the street covered with snow. It hadn't snowed that day though, and parts of the white layer was becoming brown or grey with dirt. Ben called for you, starting to run after you, cursing as he walked into a puddle of melted snow.

"Y/N! Y/N, wait! What are you doing? Where are you going?"

But you didn't slow down. You didn't even turn around, and Ben frowned. He wondered if he had done something wrong somehow.

"Y/N!" he called again, finally reaching for you.

You shrugged him off though, when he tried to take your hand.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked, frowning hard, and you could hear annoyance in his voice now. "Where are you going?"

"Home," you replied in a voice so low that Ben barely caught your words.

"Why? Are you sick?" he asked, placing himself on your way to force you to stop walking, and you heaved a frustrated sigh.

"I'm not sick," you mumbled.

"Why are you leaving then?" he asked, his voice calmer again, as he could see sadness in your eyes despite your efforts to hide your gaze from him.

You shrugged, but Ben was used to this behaviour of yours by now. You always closed yourself when you were sad.

"Hey, love," he breathed, rubbing softly your upper arms in a soothing gesture. "Hey, what's wrong? Come on, tell me. Are you bored?"

You shook your head, taking a step back.

You had hoped that you could just run away from all this but clearly it would not be that easy. You guessed that you had to tell him face to face...

"It's just," you whispered, and Ben had to focus hard to understand what you wear saying, "I'm... having doubts. About us."

Ben frowned hard, his heart accelerating under his ribs.

"What do you mean 'doubts'? You... Did I do something wrong?"

You shook your head.

"No, you didn't."

"What do you mean when you say that you are having doubts? You mean... about the party? About..."

"About our relationship, Ben," you interrupted him.

He held your chin firmly, forcing you to look up at him. But he could see tears shining in your eyes and he knew that you were serious, that you meant it...

He gasped, his lips trembling.

"But... I..." he stuttered, staggering on his words, and you could hear that he was breathless. "I thought that... you were happy with me."

"I am..."

"Why would you want us to break up then?"

"Because... Look I have my reasons, okay? Let go of me now."

"Do you really think that telling me that you have 'your reasons' is going to be enough? That I'm going to let you leave that easily?"

"Ben..."

"Well, you'll learn that I'm willing to fight for you!"

You pushed his hand away from your chin, but kept on staring at him.

"I... I don't know what to do. Perhaps we should take a break, for a few days. Just a few days."

"A break? No, no, no, no... Because taking a break for a few days generally means that we'll never be back together. And I can't have that."

"I'm not saying that I want to break up..."

"That's exactly what you're saying!"

He looked at you with eyes full of fear and pain, and all of a sudden you were not so sure about this decision of yours.

"I'm just... I don't know..." you stuttered.

He could see that you were lost, that you were hesitating. But he couldn't figure out why and he felt so frustrated because of it...

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked again. "Because... if I'm doing something that is hurting you then... just tell me and I'll make efforts."

But you shook your head, tears shining in your eyes now.

"You're doing nothing wrong," you said.

"I don't want us to break up," he said. "I... I care about you, you know that, right?"

"I know."

"Why do you suddenly want to stop seeing me then? I... I don't want you to leave. Because... I'm happy with you. And I don't want all this to stop. You need to tell me why you are suddenly on the verge of tears, about to break up with me, when yesterday we were taking a bath together and laughing like mad."

You smiled at the happy memory, and you didn't push Ben away again when he took your hand.

"What's going on? I don't understand anything," he admitted.

You stared at him for a bit longer. You looked at his short beard, his soft chocolate eyes and his silky hair. And you had to tell him...

"I just... You're wonderful Ben," you told him, staring right into his eyes, your voice soft and slightly shaking. "You're so kind, and caring, and funny and... You're amazing."

"But?" he asked, frowning.

"There's no 'but'," you shook your head. "There's no 'but', this is... what's happening between us is pretty much perfect."

"Then why would you want it to stop?"

"Because... Because I don't think that I'm good enough for you."

You had spoken the words in a hurry thinking that it was best to admit it quickly, like one would do when pulling on a thorn.

You waited for him to speak but he was so puzzled he was left speechless.

"I... I feel like you could have better," you went on, as Ben was remaining silent. "I feel like you could find someone better than me, that you could be... happier... with someone else."

You shrugged, tears now flowing down your cheeks and you were unable to hold them back.

"I'm just... a normal woman with a normal job and a few pounds on her bank account and... you deserve so much better.... someone like... a surgeon or... And I'm not like that. I'm not perfect enough. I'm not good enough."

But he shushed you by... pressing his lips to yours. He held your face in his hands, his hold soft but firm enough to keep your head in place. And he was kissing you so passionately and yet tenderly... He softly bit your lower lip a few times before deepening the kiss, making you moan.

When you finally broke the kiss, you were both breathless.

"All that you've just said, is pure bullshit. I hope you know that," he breathed.

You looked up at him, but he was smiling down at you.

"You're so wrong, Y/N," he said. "You're wonderful!"

"No, I'm not."

"Yes you are. You are absolutely wonderful! You're funny, and smart and kind..."

"I'm just... average."

"Absolutely not. Not to me. And it's all that matters."

You bit down on your lip.

"It's okay to be normal, I don't want you to change, and I don't want you to be... a superhero or something," he said softly, his eyes tender and a small smile curving up his lips. "I just want you to be you. Because perhaps that you're not a billionaire. Perhaps you're not famous, but I don't care about that at all. It doesn't matter. It's not what defines you as a person. What defines you is... your cute little pout, and your hilarious sense of humour, and your intelligence, and your laugh, and your sweet temper and... everything that makes you be you. And that... is not defined by the money on your bank account, nor your job. It's just you. And you're amazing. And you're wrong, I can't find better."

He dropped a soft kiss on your brow, his thumbs brushing against your cheeks, sweeping your tears away as they fell.

"I'm just... scared that you could find someone better and..." you breathed, looking up at him. "And that you would leave when really... it would break my heart. I depend so much on you, it's scary."

"I have to admit that it scares me a bit too," he said softly, a small smile still grazing his lips. "But I'm willing to take the risk. Because... it's worth it. It's worth how happy I am with you."

His fingers slipped down your face, brushed against your neck and trailed down your arms until he held your hands in his. And when he spoke softly again, he was stuttering, his cheeks reddening.

"It's worth it because... actually... I... I might be... slightly... completely... in love with you."

You gasped, your lips parting with shock, and your heart beating so fast into your chest that you thought it would escape from your ribcage.

A shy smile appeared on his lips, and he squeezed your hands into his.

"I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay. Because you're everything that I could ever need, that I could ever want. I love you. Stay. Stay and be scared to death with me."

You chuckled, nodding, squeezing his hands as well.

"You're always good at making me do precisely what you want," you smiled.

"As long as it brings one of these smiles upon your pretty face, then it's fine by me," he laughed.

You laughed as well, resting your forehead against his.

"Ben... I... feel the same, you know?"

He chuckled, a bright grin on his face.

"Well, as long as you don't tell me, then I can't know," he replied.

You smacked him playfully on the shoulder, before wrapping your arms around his neck, and Ben wrapped his own arms around your waist, pulling you against him.

"Do you really mean that? What you've just said?" you asked in a breathy whisper.

"I do," he nodded.

You could feel your heart on the verge of exploding with affection and joy... and you were glad that Ben was holding you so tightly against him, because your knees where becoming very weak.

"I love you, Ben," you grinned.

"I love you too, Y/N."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have run away like this."

"It's alright. Actually... I reckon that it's mainly my fault, I'll make sure to make you feel special from now on."

"You already do, Ben," you gave him a tender smile.

"Just talk to me next time you have a doubt about us, okay?"

"That's a deal."

"We should seal that deal then," he smirked, making your laugh.

You leaned up to kiss him, and he bent down to meet your lips, but you both jumped as a very loud explosion crossed the sky above the two of you. And when you looked up towards the night sky, it was not only stained with the cold light of the stars, but with all the colours brought by the fireworks that marked the beginning of a brand new year.

When Ben's gaze met yours again, you both exchanged a grin. And there was no doubt left into your heart, no desire to run away. Oh, you were still terrified by the strength of your feelings for him, but for some reason, it didn't really matter anymore. With him, you were ready to take the leap. And you were ready to spend this new year with him by your side.

"Happy New Year, Y/N," he smiled, stroking your cheek.

"Happy New Year, Ben."

You didn't see the rest of the fireworks though. Ben's lips seemed glued to yours for the rest of the show, and it was much more interesting...

*****************************

Tag List : @geeksareunique, @giggleberts, @sad-orange-thoughts, @aylinnmaslow, @haritini2000, @ladyblablabla, @drinix, @joelynnp, @riacollins

#ben barnes #ben barnes imagine #ben barnes fic #ben barnes x reader #imagine #fanfic #writing

[bichhebetalkin]

I wanna chat about V from mystic messenger and his love for Rika.

I want to preface this with a few things. 1) I don’t think Unconditional love exists. 2) I have not played another story because im too lazy to save up the hourglasses but also too cheap to buy them so… i may be a little lacking in info.

I don’t get too graphic, but there is discussions of an abusive relationship and religion.

1535 words 

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than it was because he was he, and I was I

–Michel de Montaigne

The primary thing I want to discuss with V is his love for Rika. This is probably his most notable feature. It’s definitely played up as a flaw, although Love and Devotion are typically seen as positive traits. 

There is a problem of love. In the way we define it and the way we use it. There are endless kinds of love; anyone would tell you that the love of a parent and the love of a spouse are two very different things. Can all types of love be recognized as love, or are they mislabeled? What distinguishes love from obsession? Is there a difference? Can there be love without devotion? These are all… huge questions. 

I honestly can’t truly define what it is to love. People (myself included) constantly talk about what “true love” really is. We all see things and think “oh yeah, that is love.” It seems like we understand it, but it’s usually way more complicated than that. At the end of the day, though, there is something that you just cannot touch. Love does not have to be justified, it can’t really be chosen, and it cannot truly be defined.

Despite this… I don’t think unconditional love exists. There is some extreme thing that a loved one could do that would take away your love. I won’t make a graphic example (I’m sure you can come up with your own), but there is some unjustifiable wrong-doing that someone would do that would be just too far. All love has at least some conditions. That is part of the frustration with V, and part of what makes him an unrelatable character (1). Rika does a number of horrible awful things. All of which directly affect V. She blinds him for one. Despite all this he rarely (if ever) turns on her in any way.

V loves her unconditionally. This is presented in the story. At first I chalked it up to something akin to Stockholm syndrome. Being in a terrible, chaotic, and abusive relationship can make you feel and do some pretty irrational things. (I know what it is like.) Even with this idea of having more fear than love, It really reads as actual Love that he feels. He loves all that Rika is and what she stands for, even if he doesn’t agree with her actions. Rika talks about how people are motivated by fear in the first secret ending. But in the same episode she says that in, V shows that he is not fearing her. 

“I think my eyes are at their end. But…. I liked it because you’re the one who gave me this pain”

That quote sums up a lot of what V feels for Rika. Certainly not healthy, but also very much not fear. V’s unconditional Love makes him do a lot of things that can make his character insufferable. He takes all of the blame for everything, which, alone does not make him bad (just sad). The part that makes him unlikable to many people is that he lies (or hides the truth) even when people are in danger. This is something that frustrated me the most. Even when the story would get to a point where I would thing “surely, he won’t lie. surely he will see the err of his ways,” but I am stuck with… what we get. 

His love for her is very similar to the way Kierkegaard(2) talks about Faith. The religious imagery is not hidden from the player at all. It’s all right there. Rika is God and V is the ever so faithful and devout follower. Faith is a bit like love in a few ways. For most people, both faith and love require devotion. You must promise…something for it to be faith/love. For Kierkegaard it goes even farther. Faith and Love must be unconditional. Not only that, but to ask anything (of God/the person you Love) it stops being faith/love. This is pretty intense for casual living, but these ideas are prevalent in how V regards Rika. There are several instances where he asks things of her(3), but the things he asks for are practically never for his benefit. Continuing with the faith/love parallel is the fact that he believes she will be better one day and that she is a kind person(4). This is a huge contradiction with her actions. This is similar to another thing Kierkegaard talks about– True faith requires an acceptance of Contradictions. In the old testament, there is The Binding of Isaac. As a short plot summary– 

Abraham is promised by god that His wife will have a son that goes on to lead nations (or some shit. I’m going by memory here. refer to footnote 2).His wife and him are uhhhh old as shit. So if he has another kid it’s likely his last. Lo, his wife is pregnant and so becomes Issac. A good little dude. Well liked an assertive, and definitely a boy that could fulfill God’s promise. However, God tells Abraham that he must kill his son. It is here that a contradiction arises. How can God promise that Abraham’s son will do great things if he also wants Isaac to be dead? Abraham accepts this anyway and takes Issac to be killed. He binds Issac to an altar and literally draws his knife and is about to kill Isaac before A messenger of God stops him. Abraham sacrifices a ram instead of Issac.

There are a few things that are important to consider. 1) In the old testament, Abraham does not consider that Isaac will be spared in any way. If he did then it would be a meaningless sacrifice. No, the thing that is impressive about the binding of Issac is not that Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son, it was that Abraham was willing to accept the contradiction in God’s promises. It was absolute faith. 2. He could not tell anyone about this because, similar to the idea of unconditional love, it cannot be explained to anyone. If he tried to tell his wife about the sacrifice of Issac, it would be as if he was speaking in tongues. 

In that, faith is just… irrational and inexplicable to anyone who isn’t Abraham. It is beautiful in its own way. A true and unwavering Devotion–similar to what we see in V. 

V accepted a lot of contradictions. Plenty of people say they want to be their lover’s “everything” but man, V meant that shit. No one in the game could relate to his love for Rika. It is similar to how Abraham could not possibly tell his wife about God’s demand for Issac’s sacrifice. V hid the truth because he knew that to anyone else it would be irrational. V always has the chance to do the right thing and turn against Rika but he is stopped by his unquestionable loyalty to her (5).

There’s a lot to unpack. I’ve discussed a lot but certainly not everything. There is the big question– Does Rika love V too? That’s a discussion for another time, but if she does love him, its clearly not the same love he has for her. And if it is decided that she doesn’t feel love, then why not? how can we decide? long topic lol. If V is the devout and the faithful, does that make faith a bad thing? Is it faith really faith if we say that you act in faith and love but with some conditions? Making V the devout makes everyone else without faith. Even Saeran, who was brainwashed, loses his faith over time. If faith can be broken, was it ever really there to begin with? Is it love without devotion? can you be devoted without love? 

idk rly. 

This essay is not perfect and is was written all in one sitting during an hour when I should have been working on finals work, forgive me for my errors. I would love it if people would like to respond to this and discuss it further, but please try to avoid spoiling Another Story for me. I would like to play it sometime

1. read: unrelatable does not mean bad here. He has plenty of relatable qualities, but his love for Rika is not one of them. I also am super glad he has this unrelatable quality since it means I can write this

2. won’t lie– I’m not super well read on Kierkegaard and not super read on the Bible. I could defo be fudging some things. Correct me if you see mistakes, but I’ll do my best. 

3. Please go to therapy, please don’t start a cult, please stop exploiting this very abused child, etc etc

4. V that is not valid at all. 

5. This a very similar theme to Whistles: The Starlight Calliope. Whistles the clown could turn against the Ringmaster but he never does because of his unwavering Devotion. 

#Mystic Messenger #mysme V #Love #Religion #mysme rika #pls interact ! #analysis

[emilyplaysotome]

Dating Diaries - Chapter 1 - Moving On

As some of you may or may not know, I recently went through a breakup. 

This story is for anyone who has experienced heartbreak - no matter how big or small. I hope you enjoy.

My phone vibrated with an incoming message:

Running late - will be there in 10.

I responded with the letter “K” before returning to my book.

Truth be told, I didn’t really care that he was running late. Yes, I was interested in meeting him and yes, I thought he might help me sort through the mishmash of melancholy that clouded my brain which made getting any work done difficult, but when it came down to it, I simply did not care.

Only three weeks before I’d caught my dumb boyfriend Shizuo cheating on me with another girl. 

I’d been strong in his presence, calling him out and kicking him to the curb without showing a trace of sadness or regret but the fact of the matter was that Shizuo had been in my life for 2 years as a constant and now, he wasn’t. Suddenly the person I’d come home to at the end of the day was absent, and despite the fact that he was horribly flawed (and that I knew I’d be better off without him in the long run), my heart still hurt.

When I’d made an online dating profile only three days later it was mostly to show myself that I’d be able to get out there again. 

It was to prove to myself that I was still date-able and that the concept of meeting up with someone unfamiliar and speaking with them for an hour or so was not as scary as it seemed. 

There had been the doctor, the businessman, and the diplomat. 

All of them had been nice enough but my heart still missed that idiot Shizuo. As they politely reached across the table to touch my arm in a way that tested the waters yet remained appropriate, I felt myself tense or jump, which prompted them to pull away. 

They all told me I was attractive, and I now think looking back had I not been so jumpy they probably would have followed up.

Our conversations were nice enough, and as I began to settle into my new normal I found myself untroubled by the prospect of meeting this man.

Seeing as how I was still in such a raw, vulnerable state I was not planning to make him my boyfriend. 

When I’d seen him on the app I recognized him immediately and swiped right at the chance to meet him, something I normally would never have done. Knowing who he was, and knowing that he’d dealt with a loss far more significant than a shitty boyfriend made me want to speak with him. 

I’d agreed to meet him with the assumption that the universe had sent him to me in order for me to learn and move forward, though I have no idea what he was thinking when he agreed to meet me.

I figured that he was looking for what most men are - sex.

I figured that he saw he’d matched with a woman ten years his junior and decided that this was a no brainer.

I figured that when I’d been sassy and smart over text, he’d been more intrigued at the prospect of meeting me and so, he followed up in the days that led to our initial meeting.

I’m here by the statue.

Be right there.

I tucked my book in my tote and started walking towards the designated meeting spot which was only a few feet away. 

He was a little sweaty and I could tell that he’d been rushing because he was concerned about being late. Upon seeing me he smiled and I felt something flutter in my heart, which surprised me considering that he wasn’t really my type.

“I’ve never been to this park before,” he said.

“Well since you’re here I’ll give you a tour.”

You can’t just come out and ask someone how they dealt with the loss of their parents at an early age. You have to see where the conversation leads and pick up on if they’re willing or not to be open and vulnerable with you on the first meeting.

It was clear to me that he was blissfully unaware of my motives as he attempted to charm me with his smile and intellect. To be honest, it was working and even though I’d initially planned to pick his brain, or lead the conversation to a place in which I could ask about his pain, I found myself laughing and smiling and enjoying his company.

We walked a bit before he tested the waters as the others had, and to my surprise I didn’t jump at all.

In fact, I welcomed his touch.

There was something about him that I couldn’t put my finger on. 

Something between us that I hadn’t felt with Shizuo in all of our time together.

It was familiar yet new, and even though this man before me was no one I’d normally date, he felt right in that moment.

Before I knew it, hours had passed and the two of us began speaking not as strangers on a date but as if we’d been friends for many years. It was then that he took my hand in his, and gently kissing the back of it wondered aloud as to where I’d been all these months he’d felt miserable and alone in this city.

“With Shizuo,” I thought to myself, and forced a smile before leaning in and kissing the beauty mark on his cheek.

In response, his eyes went wide before he kissed me properly, and I found myself feeling as if I was in college again, making out with a handsome stranger in a dark corner of a bar.

He was a good kisser, and in addition to the butterflies he’d given me I found myself amused by the fact that I was suddenly rebounding with a man who had an impressive Wikipedia page.

“You know,” I said, taking a sip of my beer after coming up for air, “this might be weird to say but I’m a fan of your work.”

“I’m honored to have such a lovely fan.”

“Can I ask you something with the understanding you don’t need to answer?”

He raised an eyebrow with a mischievous smirk and nodded.

“In your work, even though you mostly write mysteries, I’ve noticed that you deal with themes of loss quite a bit. I read your bio and I saw that your parents passed when you were really young. I just...I wanted to ask if it’s difficult. Living with that loss, seeing things the way you do, and living amongst people who can’t see the way you see...”

It was clear the question surprised him, and his face took on more serious, pensive qualities before he answered my question. I held my breath as he thought, worried that I’d crossed a line with him, but he soon smiled and took my hand in his once more.

“Sometimes,” he said, “but I suppose we are the result of every experience we’ve ever lived. Had I not been faced with loss at an early age, I would not be Kazumi Kagami. My words would not have the power that they have - they would be unable to move people’s hearts and so in a sense I am grateful for every experience I’ve lived no matter how difficult.”

I nodded, thinking to myself that I was foolish for thinking a breakup could make me understand loss at the level that he’d experienced it, if only a little. Still, I could feel the tears beginning to well up and hung my head not wanting Kazumi to see.

“Sunshine,” he said, gently cupping my face in his hands, “what have you gone through that has you so sad?”

“I’m sorry. It’s not your problem - it’s silly, really.”

“Tell me.”

“No. I feel dumb. It’s nothing compared to what you’ve lived...”

Kazumi gently kissed my forehead before pulling away. My vision blurred, and I scolded myself for being an awful date as I attempted to calm my sniffling.

“You know, there’s this adage my mother always used to say,” Kazumi said quietly. “I used to cry because I had no shoes, and then I saw someone who had no feet. Do you understand the meaning?”

“There’s always someone who has it worse than you do.”

“No. That’s what I used to think too but after she died I realized it meant something much less obvious.”

I felt him gently wipe the tears from my face before he tilted it up towards him. When my eyes met his I saw that he was looking at me with an expression that was more gentle than anything I’d ever seen on a man. His lips were curled up in a soft smile, and looking at him so close made my heart skip a beat.

“It means that pain is pain. It is only after you experience pain that you’re able to see it in another person. Pain makes you more open, more aware, and it is not about putting value on whose pain is worse - it’s acknowledging that we all experience pain and that pain is simply a part of being human.”

Believe it or not, despite the serious conversation and the fact that I cried on the first date, Kazumi and I continue to talk.

Since our first date, we’ve gone on four more but spread out over a few months seeing as how his book has him on the road most days. What started as me wanting to learn from someone who understands pain has become a friendship of sorts.

At the moment, our relationship is in this sort of grey space - we are not quite friends, not quite lovers - but with all that said, I don’t regret anything that’s happened between us.

Kazumi has shown me that sometimes people come into your life in an unexpected way and help you understand that it’s ok to be human. He’s helped me realize that I can be sad about Shizuo, and that my feelings are not foolish. In the time we’ve known each other, he’s said things that have forced me to look in the mirror and realize that I have some work to do on myself before I attempt to find a partner.

Once a day or once every other day I get a text from him telling me I’m beautiful or calling me sunshine and it makes me smile.

No, he’s not my boyfriend and will probably never be, but with that said, he is very special and I feel very lucky that the universe sent me such a thoughtful, smart man with an impressive Wikipedia page to be my rebound.

There is life after Shizuo, and I am slowly figuring out what that is.

This was super personal to me, but I’m happy to have written it and despite how short it is, I hope you enjoyed it.

If you did, I hope you’ll consider sharing it and if you’re feeling really generous I hope you’ll consider buying me a coffee!

As always with these short stories they’re a mix of fantasy and reality for me, so bonus points if you can tell what’s real ;)

Thanks for reading!

***UPDATE - decided to make this a series of sorts...part 2 here!****

If you’re interested, no worries if not:

@robotloveskitten 

@airashime

@kingdomzeldaquest 

@hifftn 

@speakfearlessly1989

@nitelotus

@scorpioslover

@untilsmidnight

@dreamfar628

#Kazumi Kagami #liar uncover the truth #liar! voltage #liar! uncover the truth #liar! uncover the truth fanfic #voltage fanfic #voltage fan #Voltage fan fiction #voltage fandom #voltage games #voltage inc #voltage romance sims

[ascriptofasoul]

“but still You dine with me”

Hi, welcome back.

I guess I’ll begin by saying I don’t really know where to begin. I haven’t known what to write about or where to start because each time I’ve tried writing (at least a dozen times now), words fail me.

Additionally and admittedly so, I have been in a spiritual rut for the past few weeks. If I’m being completely honest and vulnerable (despite being subject to great judgement), I haven’t been spending time with Jesus. Though I thought I knew of its importance, I haven’t had the desire to read the Word. I haven’t thoughtfully and intentionally talked to God through prayer, and I haven’t taken the time to just bask in His presence and even listen to worship.

I realized that perhaps the reason it’s also been so difficult to write and make sense of my thoughts, is because I haven’t been feeling like myself. I wish I could say it was because I was distracted or busy. However, I’ve ackowledged that it was because I wasn’t ready to confront the heart-work that came along with coming to terms that I have been ignoring Jesus.

Through quarantine, however, God was showing me once again how He was going to use this time to glorify who He is in my life.

With all of this in mind, late Sunday night, I spent some time going through videos, sermons, and testimonies. Though there were things I knew I needed to hear, it was as if a part of me wasn’t ready to listen. I then realized the grip of the enemy and his tricks. I was being persuaded to “watch it tomorrow” and “get some sleep”. However, I now see it was only through Christ that I was able to fight past my flesh and the enemy’s lies, in order to hear what God wanted to pour into my heart during this time.

As I continued listening and watching, eventually I was confronted with the question, “Is God truly the first thing in your life?”. This wrecked me, because I wanted to say yes so badly. I wanted to be the faithful Christian who never wavered, I wanted to proudly say that I seeked God’s truth relentlessly, and I wanted to say that I never put anyone or anything above Him... but I knew that just wasn’t the case. And if I can be honest with you again, since coming to know Christ almost three years ago now, I can say that Jesus has always been a big part of my life, but He hasn’t always been the first thing in my life.

Realizing that was as if everything clicked into place. I never understood why I was unable to wholeheartedly dive in with Jesus. I never understood why it seemed like God had favored others while I was struggling. I never understood why I was never able to get past my anxiety when sharing about Jesus. You can see in these statements alone, however, the obvious answer to all of these was because I put myself first—my feelings and my tainted preceptions of God’s love for me. I’ve never allowed Him to fully have the first place in my heart. When it comes to Jesus, I recognize that I have struggled and failed to grasp the fullness of who He is, what He has done for me on The Cross, and what a privilege it is to be loved by Him.

As I’m learning about my misplaced priorites and how I have valued my relationsip with Jesus thus far, I decided to pray. I didn’t really know what to pray for since it had been so long since I mindfully spoke to Jesus. However, in this imperfect, insufficeint, and weepy prayer in the wee hours, I asked God that if He was there and if He was listening, I was ready to let go. I wanted Him to be the first in my life, even if that meant He needed to take away everything else that was taking me away from Him. My worries about bills and school, my idols and relationships—I was finally willing to forsake them all for Jesus.

But, that’s the thing I had forgotten about the God we serve while in this rut and in my wandering... that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. Perhaps that is why we often find ourselves at dead ends (James 4:3) and must turn to Jesus because He is The Way. Moreover, if there is anything I’ve learned about God in the years since I’ve come to know Him, it is that He is a God of deliverence. When we ask God to show more of Himself, we can’t even begin to fathom how deep His love and grace for us really is... but that was what He was going to show me.

Up until this night in my life, most of my prayers have been about the things of this world. As He was bringing me to the end of myself, I needed to reset my heart and set my mind on the things above instead.

I have always asked God to give me faith to trust Him before, but now it was time for me to give Him my complete trust. I realized He has loved me so graciosuly and so unconditionally all along—even in my sin, doubt, and disobedience... but what would I discover about Him if I was obedient?

He has been asking me to surrender myself to Him for so long. And, despite not wanting to relinquish the need for control over my life, He has never walked out on me. And it’s funny... because this life I’m clinging so tightly to, isn’t even mine. He paid the ultimate price on that Cross—the one that I could not. And in return? All He still wanted was me...the sinner, the flawed, the unworthy, and the one who always lost her way.

“How precious did that grace appear the first hour I believed”

I asked God to help me understand the weight of what Jesus did on The Cross for me. God’s faithfulness didn’t relent, and my prayer to know more of Him was answered through music. I trust that because God knows me fully, He knows what music means to me, despite being someone who sings flat and is convinced she’s tone deaf. Worship music and music itself is often what I rely on when in need of consolation, joy, and even rest. However, during this spiritual rut, the worship songs I often turned to (though still so special and meaningful to me), couldn’t pierce through and truly convict my heart. But this was no feat for the Lord. He was going to have His way in my life and break apart everything I built, in order to rebuild His place in my life. This was simply just the beginning.

It happened the very next morning, when I stumbled across a song called, “Underdressed” by Gable Price and Friends. I don’t have to words to convey how this song made me feel, and embarrassingly, only tears could explain how it spoke directly to my heart the moment I heard it. This song led me to more of their music. The words in each of their songs I came across were so honest and real.

It made me feel small like a child—marveling at the all-encompassing love of God... being left in awe and at a loss as I try to somehow comprehend how we get to know Him, and a love like His for the rest of our lives.

These songs confronted the painful truth that we are not just imperfect people, but that we are sinners. And though we fall short of the glory of God time and time again, Jesus still loves us so, so, so much. It was astounding to see just even this small glimpse of God’s tireless love, but also heartbreaking to know how I could be the one so incapable of loving God at times. Whether it was choosing not to take five minutes of my day to just pray and give Him thanks, or to open my bible and read His Word, which is actually for my good. Nevertheless, He is not phased, His affection for us doesn’t wither away and He is still so pursuant of us and our hearts. I only hope I can continue to pursue His in the same way.

The Lord is not just walking with me, but He is leading me as I find my way out of this standstill that I’ve been in. For that reason, I can’t say I know what’s next because radically, fearlessly, and fully putting Jesus first in my life is something I have never truly done before. It is something I’m learning to do now, and as I’m sharing this with you, I am still in the midst of untangling it all. Even so, my hope is to continue to share who He is with you every step of the way in order to to glorify Him, and to love Him even more.

I pray that you continue to take heart, and as you come to encounter more of Jesus, may you remain hopeful in His love for you and trust that what you experience is part of an exceeding fullness you will come to know, but cannot yet even imagine.

From Jesus to the religious leaders of Jerusalem:

John‬ ‭10: 10-11‬

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep.”

[pitch-pearl-void]

I've been wanting something like this for a while... but... What if, instead of Phantom ending up in the Human World and befriending Danny, Danny ends up in the Ghost Zone and befriends Phantom? *coughs* Not a very good idea, I know, but I just want to see it and I don't know if I can write it myself, since there's been some family issues lately :(

Dear Mom and Dad

The good news is I turned on the portal! The bad news is I’m trapped on the other side…

I’m not dead!  I think. I’m in the Ghost Zone you two were always talking about, and it’s bright creepy strange hellish cold desolate indescribable, you’ll just have to see for yourself when you GET ME OUT OF HERE! 

Nothing makes sense in here! There are these floating doors and rocks, and this green glowing stuff that’s everywhere, and the ghosts

I take back everything I said about not believing in ghosts. You were right about everything. They exist and they’re rude, thoughtless, scary complete assholes who only think about themselves. I’ve just been cut off from home and I don’t know if I’ll ever see you guys again and all he can think about is

Maybe I should start at the beginning.

After you guys gave up on the portal, me, Tucker, and Sam decided to look around and see if we could fix it for you, and if you guys get me out of here I swear I will never go near your inventions without supervision again I swear! Please! I just want to go home I miss you guys I miss everyone how long have I been gone

Since I’m the only one with a ready-made jumpsuit, I went inside to see if there was something wrong with a wire while Sam and Tucker checked around the outside. It wasn’t their fault! We all just wanted to help and it seemed safe enough. I guess we should have unplugged it first but

Okay, I don’t know what happened exactly. I think I pressed a button? I might have pressed a button. Just all of a sudden, the portal started working. I was still inside, and it was really loud. I didn’t know what was going on, and I didn’t have time to run or duck or anything. There was a lot of light, a lot of green light, and then there was this sucking sensation like I was getting sucked down a drain. I think it hurt but I don’t know for sure. I think I saw my fingers stretching so I’m sure it had to hurt, but I don’t remember any pain?

Anyway, I blacked out, and when I woke up again I was on my back and all I could see was this boy with white hair looking down at me and I thought I was dead because he has this white glow about him and he looked like a

A boy ghost and his dog found me before I’d even woken up. The dog (he’s called Cujo I guess) doesn’t like me and won’t stop growling, but the other guy seems more curious and confused than dangerous. He looks a lot like me? It’s really scary weird. He didn’t believe humans actually exist! Can you believe it? He seems convinced now, but only because his dog attacked me.

That’s the weirdest thing. He tried to bite me, but he passed right through me! I don’t know why it happened or how I did it, but Cujo kept trying to bite and claw at me and it kept happening. I might’ve been screaming the whole time, but in my defense this dog is huge! The ghost boy managed to pull Cujo off me after a while, but he didn’t seem to have an explanation for what happened either.

He did agree that I’m probably a human though. Win?

Anyway, he calls himself Phantom. Actually he calls himself Danny Phantom, but that was too weird and he said it was okay to just call him Phantom. He says most people just call him Phantom anyway. He doesn’t have any friends to call him Danny but maybe he’s just making that up?

He might not have believed in humans, but he says there have always been rumors about the Real World (he calls it the Human World but whatever) along with rumors on how to get there. He agreed to help me get home if he can come too. I didn’t want to agree (ghosts are bad right?) but how else am I supposed to get home? I waited outside the portal doors for—well, I don’t know how long. There isn’t any way to record time in this stupid place. Point is the doors aren’t opening. He’s my only chance.

On the bright side, he seems more interested in just seeing what the Real World is. There’s nothing evil about that right?

So Phantom’s first idea was this guy called “Wulf” who’s locked up in ghost prison. Awesome. But he can apparently rip holes in a dimension? Worth a shot. I guess.

Phantom had this weird idea that humans can do magic or something. I guess the episode with Cujo made him believe it. Ha! Nope, I’m just a wimpy teenager that can’t even fly so he has to carry me. (For the record: not awesome.) He told me to wait outside because I’m that useless and now he and Cujo are trying to bust that guy out. I’m using the time to write down everything in my English notebook. You guys always wanted to be here, and since it seems I’ll be living here for the rest of my life I may as well take notes. If I ever see you guys again, it’ll be helpful right? So you won’t ground me for life?

Actually it’s been a long time since they went inside. Maybe I should

—

Day 1

Like I said, there isn’t really any way to tell time here, so I’m just basing it off my sleep schedule. It’ll work for now. You should have seen Phantom’s face when he found out I willingly “shut down” for eight hours. Oh the horror of not being aware of my surroundings 24/7! Actually that is pretty scary in the Ghost Zone. I take it back.

We had to run fly pretty far to get away from the prison guards, but we found an uninhabited area after a while. I was pretty exhausted by then so I just sort of, like, dropped. Phantom panicked, the ghosts that escaped with us panicked, but I managed to calm them all down. Sort of. Ghosts are weird. They’re fascinated by humans, but I seem to spook (ha ha get it?) them as much as they scare me.

One of the ghosts can make—it’s not food. For one, it glows like everything else around here. But she can make it out of thin air and it tastes like food so

I’m just saying, I won’t starve. It’s a big plus in my opinion. She made me enough to stuff my backpack. She seems…happy to feed me. Scary happy. Said she’d make me as much food as I want and that I could come and see her whenever I ran out. Tried to put some sort of tracker signature on me (according to Phantom) so that she could track me down and make sure I was eating right but Cujo wouldn’t let her. Thank you oversized hellhound, I think I love you.

If you’re wondering, the prison break was…not a success exactly. Phantom and Cujo got captured, like, seconds into the raid and I, magical human that I am, had to bust them out by using my super awesome walking-through-walls ability, which is apparently a thing along with passing through ghosts that want to hurt me. I freed them and everyone else I could reach. Phantom seemed to think a jailbreak would make a great distraction, and since it worked, I’ll give him that, even if his other plan was a complete toss.

We actually found Wulf in the confusion, but Wulf (who is actually a wolf man, go figure) doesn’t speak English. He does have the ability to rip holes in dimensions though! He used it to escape the prison. Without us.

Not exactly according to plan.

Phantom seems really nervous about something, but given that we just broke ourselves and a dozen prisoners out of jail, he has reason to be. The guards sure seemed determined to catch us. We lost them now, but are we running from, like, the law or something now? Does the Ghost Zone have a government?

The other ghosts don’t seem to like Phantom much. I guess he wasn’t lying. They’re really stiff around him. They’re already leaving, though, so he won’t have to deal with them for much longer, at least.

I’m going to stick with Phantom (and Cujo). Just seems like the thing to do after leading a jailbreak together. Besides, he’s dropped the whole useless-human act. He’s treating me differently now. Respect is really nice, especially coming from a guy your age (probably) who can shoot death rays from his hand.

I’m really tired. I don’t know how long I’ve been awake but it’s been a really exhausting day. Cujo is standing “Guard” over me, and Phantom is talking to the Lunch Lady (the ghost supplying me with the glowing ghost food-that-isn’t).

I’m as safe as I’m likely to be in this awful place.

Now if everything wasn’t glowing.

—

Day 4

Finally convinced Phantom to let me use his cape last night (or whatever). He seems really attached to it, you’d think it was a part of him or something.  Given this weird place and how the cape has this really strange tingle-inducing feel to it? It might be? Idk honestly but while the GZ isn’t cold it definitely isn’t warm either. I typically have to sleep on solid (floating, always floating) rock, which is cold. And hard. Just really uncomfortable. I have to choose between using my backpack as a pillow or as a blindfold when I sleep.

Meanwhile, Phantom’s flying around with this really warm looking white cape. I kept thinking I could lay it on the ground and then wrap up in it and it would be bliss and I was right. I can stand the faint buzz and the weird looks Phantom gives me in the “morning” so long as he keeps letting me use it. Cujo seems a bit calmer around me too. Maybe there’s a scent? Ghost scent since obviously I can’t smell it. I’d put up with that too if it meant I could have a blanket every night.

We’re trying to track down another ghost called Desiree. Phantom seems a bit unsure about this one. She’s a ghost that can make any wish come true. The flaw is that she makes the wish come true in ways you never meant it to and she grows more powerful with every wish she grants. That sounds like a problem. But they say she’s one of the ghosts who used to be human, so Phantom’s hoping she’ll be willing to help.

That’s something interesting you guys might like to know. Apparently not every ghost lived, died, and became a ghost. According to Phantom, most come into existence randomly, usually around a large gathering of that green stuff he calls ectoplasm. That’s how he came into being. Some ghosts are born from the coupling of two or more ghosts and when I asked how /that/ happens, his face turned green and he started sputtering.

I’m guessing the same way babies are made. Only more “ghostly”

A ghost being born after the death of a human is a controversial topic, apparently, since they appear the same way other ghosts do, except they have memories of being human. They can’t prove it, few ghosts have even seen the Real World, and so it’s like a myth. Like people saying they “saw the light” or their dead relatives or whatever is a bit of a myth for us.

My stumbling into their Zone is like an alien walking into a Starbucks!

Phantom thinks this is really cool and I think it’s hilarious so we’re constantly making jokes about it, especially when we come across another ghost and they just gawk at me.

Side note: I’m almost positive Phantom was telling the truth about not having friends.

—

So

Desiree hates Men and the Real World and is even more antag—antogonis—uh, hateful towards Phantom than the other ghosts.

Long day. I’m tired. Phantom is letting me use his cape again. He’s probably just grateful I saved his ass. Again. I hope this becomes a thing.

The cape sharing, not the saving.

Cujo is even letting me lean against him. Phantom is sitting on the boulder beside us. He doesn’t look so good. He’s hugging his knees to his chest and just kind of staring at nothing. Maybe I should say something

—

Day 10

Okay

So

There is something in the GZ that can affect me against my will. I don’t know what it is exactly, but I hope it was something unique to “the Zone’s Greatest Hunter” because  

I guess being able to walk through everything that’s trying to hurt me made this place seem less dangerous than it actually is. There’s a lot that can go wrong. I’m not really safe here. Especially since it seems we really have upset some sort of governmental law.

I mentioned that Phantom is always pushing us to keep moving, never staying in one place too long, and it’s like we’re running from something? That something turned out to be the GHOST KING. Bad bad bad, wtf, a little warning would have been nice?! He’s not searching for us himself, he’s too important for that. No, he has others do his bidding. Because he’s a freaking king.

I don’t know what we did to piss him off so much, unless he’s just really pissed about the jailbreak? But one of his bounty hunters, Skulker, captured me and Phantom and locked us in a cage. The bars had a weird glow, and I wasn’t able to walk through them. Phantom was freaking out, thinking we were going to be handed over to the king, but Skulker seemed more interested in keeping us as some sort of creepy collection of his. The similarities between me and Phantom haven’t gone unnoticed in the GZ, I guess. Skulker kept talking about having a matched set. Gross.

Thank god for Cujo. I don’t know how we would have escaped without him.

Me and Phantom were pretty shaken afterwards (duh) so Phantom finally relented and took me to his “lair”

I mentioned it a couple days ago. The lairs are supposed to be an extension of the ghost’s will because it formed from the same ectoplasm as the ghost or something. It’s not just rude to enter a ghost’s lair uninvited it’s dangerous because they have complete control over that tiny area of the GZ. That makes Phantom’s lair the safest place for us, but Phantom has been pretty protective of the place. I just thought of it like a bedroom, but I guess it’s a bit more private.

I don’t know what I was expecting. The outside was the usual non-descript purple door, but inside was this like snow cave. It was freezing, the walls were actually crusted with ice! I got to see how a ghost can control what’s inside the lair when Phantom got rid of the snow and ice. He didn’t look too happy about it, but between me freezing to death and his ice kink I think he can deal. I didn’t really ask him to do it, he just saw me shivering, sighed, and started changing things.

And he made me a bed! Well sort of. He’s never seen a bed, and I wasn’t able to describe one very well, so he just created this sort of lump of furs in a corner. After sleeping on bare rock for however long it’s been, I’m not going to complain. It looks like heaven, I can’t wait to sleep. I sat on it as soon as he finished and I haven’t gotten up since.

Phantom doesn’t seem to have a problem with that. I don’t think he likes me being here. Every time I move, he flinches and looks at me like he’s expecting me to attack him or something. His unease is making ME twitchy. There’s definitely something more to this lair thing that I’m not grasping. Cujo wouldn’t even come inside.

Maybe it’ll help if I go to sleep. Hopefully I won’t dream of being locked inside that cage. I don’t think I’ve ever been that trapped. I couldn’t stand up or stretch or anything. I couldn’t even move without elbowing Phantom. If I hadn’t been so scared, the tight quarters might have been awkward. We were practically in each other’s laps. I wasn’t even thinking about that at the time. I don’t even want to think about that NOW.

Whatever. I have a bed. It tingles a bit like Phantom’s cape, but I don’t care. It’s been ages since I had a good night’s sleep.

—

Day 11

I guess Phantom was even more shaken than I thought. We’re staying in his lair a while longer, possibly a whole “day.” He doesn’t seem as tense as last night, but I get the feeling he’d kick me out in a heartbeat if he thought I’d be safe out there by myself. Does that mean he cares? Maybe I’m reading too much into it. But I think we’re friends by now.

This is supposed to be the part where Phantom tells me what ghosts do for fun, but apparently lairs are just for resting and relaxing and recharging and all that boring stuff. He does seem a bit more sleepy than usual, if ghosts can get sleepy. He still doesn’t want me to touch anything, though. And sudden movements are a sure-fire way to get glared at. Still, it’s better than last night. He’s even sitting on the bed with me.

And now he’s watching me write but

I don’t think he can read?

Danny Phantom needs to chill the fuck out

Okay, he definitely can’t read. But I guess it’s kind of rude to be writing when he’s right there so I guess we’ll just talk? There’s got to be something we have in common

—

Note to self: the first thing we’re going to do when we make it to the Human World is stargaze. I gotta find my telescope. Phantom is going to freak!

—

Day 14

I miss you guys. So much. We just crossed a “river” that just looks like a more liquid version of ectoplasm. It loops through the air like some sort of demented roller coaster, and I swear I could hear you two babbling excitedly about running tests and talking about chemicals and molecules and physics and all that other stuff I don’t understand.

I wish you guys were here to see this with me. I’m living your dream without you. It doesn’t feel right to be so far away from you and still feel like you’re right beside me.

—

Day 16

I’m running out of paper. I guess the daily diary-note taking is hard to sustain when you only have one notebook and a pen.

In other news, along with looking for a way home, dodging the King’s and Walker’s agents, and learning the ins and outs of the GZ and its society, me and Phantom seem to be getting a reputation as the ghost and his still living humanity. Myth stacked upon myth. It was kind of funny at first, but it’s starting to get annoying. I feel like a freak. Everybody here keeps staring at us. They have a lot of questions and they keep trying to touch me. I don’t let them of course, and that just leads to more questions and excitement. I wish they’d just knock it off.

We wouldn’t have to deal with it in the first place, but Phantom is running out of ideas and needs to gather information. That means talking to other ghosts. Urgh.

Fortunately we seem to have stumbled on something. A ghost called Ghost Writer can warp reality with his writing, so maybe he can open a portal? Worth a shot.

Btw, is it possible for a ghost to be touch starved? Phantom’s been touching me a lot more recently. He’ll put his hands on my shoulders and float above me or wrap his tail around my ankle or just stand with his shoulder brushing mine. And he leans into my hand whenever I touch his shoulder or whatever. It’d be embarrassing, but he seems to do the same with Cujo, especially when he’s nervous. The first time we talked to a ghost, he kept his hand buried in the scruff of Cujo’s neck and didn’t let go until we were flying away.

Combined with how the other ghosts treated him and the way he tried to compare a mother and father to a master or mentor and it made me realize how lonely he must be.

Hey, mom, dad, he’s called Phantom and he followed me home. Can we keep him?

—

Day 18

Ghost Writer can only warp reality by sucking people into his books.

Pass.

The guy was like a hermit and kind of rude. But we did have to knock on his lair to get his attention since that seems to be where he spends all of his time. Given Phantom’s reaction to me being in his lair the first time, Ghost Writer was a calm summer night.

Phantom seems to be getting better about it, though. He even left me in his lair by myself for a little while. He didn’t tell me where he was going and I was too happy to be trusted in his ultra-private space by myself to question him. When he got back, he handed me a notebook he’d gotten from the Ghost Writer. Said he noticed how I was running out of paper.

I don’t

I didn’t know what to say

I hugged him and he freaked out

So good news, I have more paper! Score! It’s actually really great because as silly as this diary-note thing is, it helps. A lot little. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d run out. I wonder if Phantom knew that.

—

Day 22

I’m seriously sick of green. I don’t know if I mentioned that before. There’s just so much green in here, and it’s not the cheery kind of green you see in the spring and summer. It’s like this sickly, goopy green. I miss blue skies. And sunshine. And just anything but a black void with glowing ectoplasm leaking everywhere.

But I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t have some charm, and Phantom seems determined to show me some of its wonders while we’re still here. Honestly, once you get over the wrongness of being able to walk along the underside of a floating rock, it starts to get pretty cool. I think it might be like space in a way. The rocks and other floating debris seem to have a gravity (or magnetism) about them that holds me to the surface like the Earth does, but if I jump too high, I escape whatever’s holding me down and I’ll just drift in that direction without any sign of slowing down or stopping.

It’s still faster to fly with Phantom or ride on Cujo, but it’s still really neat.

I wish I could say it gets boring or that the landscape (broken up as it is) is all the same, but I’ve seen upside down waterfalls and crystal tree forests and bubbling yellow tinted lakes with some sort of red creature swimming just beneath the surface and all kinds of bizarre rocky structures. And that’s not even counting the ghosts we pass.

It’s scary but exciting.

You guys are so going to lose it when you get here. It’s amazing. I suggest you get a local guide, though. They make it worthwhile.

—

Aa Bb Cc Dd Ee Ff Gg Hh Ii Jj Kk Ll Mm Nn Oo Pp Qq Rr Ss Tt Uu Vv Ww Xx Yy Zz

—

D a n n y  P h a n t o m

D u a n n y  P h a n t a o m

—

Day 25

We have three options that we know of to get to the Human World, but none of them are easy. One is to track Wulf down since Phantom thinks he’s still in the GZ, but it’s more like a passing attempt. We’re doing it as we go. The second is another myth, but if humans are real, maybe Clockwork is as well? They’re as hard to find as Wulf is, though. The for sure option is called the Infi-map. The problem? The Ghost King has it. Joy of joys.

Speaking of the king, we crossed paths with a ghost called the Fright Knight. Phantom used to work for him or something. They definitely knew each other and he was ordering Phantom around, and since the Fright Knight works for the King that means Phantom did too, probably as another knight. That would explain the other ghosts’ wariness of him.

At least, until he cut ties and tried running away with me. If we had managed to free Wulf and escape to the Human World that first night it wouldn’t have mattered, but because we’re still stuck in the GZ, the King is angry and after Phantom’s head.

You don’t flaunt the King’s authority.

I guess that’s why they’re after Phantom. But the Fright Knight said he had orders to take me captive as well so we’re both being targeted by the strongest, most influential ghost in the Ghost Zone. Holy shit. We knew that before, but it’s a bit more real with this giant ghost knight in black armor staring down at me and announcing I’m a wanted fugitive.

Before you get too worried though, he let us go. Said something about pretending he never saw Phantom and to stay away from Phantom’s lair for a while. Yeah. Phantom can’t believe it either. It’s been several hours (best guess) and he’s still got this amazed look on his face.

Is it really so hard for him to believe someone might care about him?

—

Day 30

Well. It’s been a month. Give or take. I’m still not home yet, but I haven’t given up. I’m going to see you guys again. I will.

But is it okay if I enjoy myself too? It’s not wrong that I’m actually maybe a little glad I got sucked in here? If the accident hadn’t happened when and where it did, I never would have met Phantom, and while I hate what the ghosts are saying about us being the living and dead versions of the same person, I’d be lying if I said meeting him wasn’t like finding a missing part of myself.  God that sounds cheesy.

I’ve seen things I never would have seen and met people I’ll never forget because I went into the portal. Cujo, the Lunch Lady, the Box Ghost, the terrifying but super cool Fright Knight

I miss you guys. But

It’s okay that I don’t regret this. Right?

—

Day 33

Remember that time you guys thought I had a crush on Sam? Ha ha funny story…

—

Day 34

Fuck.

—

Day 36

He can almost read now I’m not writing this shit down. But that thing he just did, he needs to not do it again. He doesn’t even realize holy shit I’m fucked

—

Day 37

We found Clockwork! Sort of. He They found us really. What’s your policy on ghosts being pseudo gods? If there was ever a ghost that might deserve the title it’d probably be this one.

Get this: they are the ghost master of time. They manipulate time and jump in and out of the time stream like it’s like it’s a fucking afternoon stroll or something. They can open portals not just to any when but to any where.

And yet they wouldn’t help us. Jerk.

We hadn’t returned to Phantom’s lair since Fright Knight’s warning, and the constant flight is wearing on Phantom. It’s wearing on me. I miss that bed and the security. Plus Phantom is more relaxed there. So we were talking about going back since it’s been a long time when this clock hand appeared, swished around in a circle, and out floated the oldest ghost I’d ever seen. Think grandfather time, complete with knee-length beard and knobby wrists.

They said “Don’t”

The fuck.

We’d been searching for this guy ghost for I don’t know how long and they just pop out of nowhere in the middle of a conversation and say “Don’t”

I was about to yell something I probably shouldn’t when they, I don’t know, shifted into a little bucktooth kid. It’s kind of distracting. You just don’t see that every day.

They did answer a few questions so I guess it wasn’t so bad, but it’s another dead end. They have the power to send us to the Human World. In fact, they could send us to the exact moment the portal activated so you guys wouldn’t have to worry about me and Sam and Tucker wouldn’t blame themselves and whatever else is happening at home right now. They can do it, the problem is they won’t. There were a lot of reasons, something about the journey and not the destination, but I think it mostly came down to “suffering breeds character, get home on your own, you lazy bum.” Could just be me though.

They did say that if we kept going the way we have we would eventually get to the Human World. I guess I can live with that. But I would have appreciated something a little more definitive. What if I get home, like, a decade from now? Yeah, I’m home but holy shit I’m an adult and I have to move out anyway.

Should mention, Phantom had this ridiculously stunned look on his face for most of the conversation. Between me and Clockwork, I don’t think he’s ever going to disbelieve a “myth” again!

He was more concerned about his lair once he snapped out of it. That’s his home. It’s supposed to be the safest place in the entire GZ for him, and suddenly it’s not. It’s so unsafe that a literal ghost god interrupted a private conversation just to say how dangerous it is. He looked crushed.

The lair itself is Phantom’s safe harbor, but the area surrounding it is where the danger lurks, I’m guessing. The ghost king probably set guards on the door.

And that’s crossing a line. I don’t care if he’s a king, that’s just fucked up.

I wanted to just deal with the guy then and there. I’m sick of running from him. Phantom looked angry too, and Clockwork wasn’t stopping us, but

Well, you can’t just topple a king, can you? We’re just two kids and a dog. What are we supposed to do, storm the castle? Granted Phantom was a knight and I’m a mythical creature and Cujo is the size of a horse, but it’d just be the ghost prison all over again. Better to keep low for now, I guess.

Phantom managed to get a promise from Clockwork that they’d let us know when his lair was safe again. They seemed a little too amused. They know something, and it’s really annoying.

The whole thing sucks. I miss the lair.

—

Day 41

Had a bit of a celebration today but it flopped. Phantom was able to summon ice to his hands outside his lair, and this is apparently a Big Deal. It means his “core” has matured or is mostly matured. I guess it’s like puberty.

The cores are kind of like a star’s core. It’s where all the energy and materials are created before being pushed to the outer parts of the body. The energy doesn’t cycle like a human’s does; it’s just radiated out of the ghost’s body because their core creates a continuous stream of energy. That’s why there’s this, like, static charge surrounding Phantom and why his cape and lair cause that tingling sensation. It clings to things, and since each core is unique, it’s like leaving a signature on everything they touch.

And I sleep with Phantom’s cape every night so every time I wake up his signature lingers on me for I don’t even know how long and fuuuuck no wonder he kept giving me weird looks

Some cores have an elemental affinity, and in Phantom’s case it’s ice. Now that his core is maturing, he’s able to create ice and his core will start producing more cold energy. I had noticed he was getting colder, but it was so gradual I didn’t really think about it. He was super excited about it until he realized he couldn’t visit somebody. I’m guessing they’re some kind of mentor to him. He didn’t want to talk about it, and I wasn’t exactly in the mood to try.

Apparently, along with being their own internal battery, the cores are how ghosts have uh sex. Their shape doesn’t matter, their gender doesn’t matter, heck the number of ghosts getting it on doesn’t matter. Their cores just have to come into contact and then

I don’t know how they get pleasure from it or whatever, and I don’t care. Phantom’s core is located in his chest, and that’s why he freaked out when I hugged him, but it doesn’t matter.

I’m human. I don’t have a core.

I’m an idiot.

#Danny Phantom #Danny Fenton #Pitch Pearl #actually it's a really cute idea #so cute in fact this is 5000+ words and I wrote a basic outline for a multi-chapter fic #if I write it it'll likely be limited to Phantom's perspective so here's Danny's #in diary form! #it's killing me........ #I really want to write it but SA takes priority #fanfiction #writing trance #you guys get that ending because /I HAD TO STOP/ #(for the record #Jack and Maddie do read the journal and it's before they find Danny) #(so) #=)

[fulgensun]

☀   MUNDAY MEME : accepting // all under the cut so that I don’t clog the dash !

@idno41269​ :  7, 10, 14

7. If you could “borrow” one aspect of your muse and apply it to yourself or your own life, what would you borrow? Honestly, either his bright personality or his inability to stand solitude. I’m the shyest girl, and can’t really see myself as open, and cheerful and bright as Tidus can be when around friends-to-be or even strangers, at times. As for the solitude aspect, we’re complete opposites. I’m all for peace, quiet, and silence doesn’t bother me that much, I can concentrate more when alone too -- which cannot be said for him, who can’t stand to be left alone and rejects and fears the idea itself. I am not saying I would prefer to develop his sort of fear of abandonment and issues, albeit I think that’s a fear everyone, more or less possesses. But if this quarantine taught me something, is that being alone can be nice but not for too long. So yeah, I’d borrow that !

10. What do you love about your muse? Oh ;_; a lot... Tidus is a character I learnt, all of a sudden, to hold dear despite his flaws. I admire the courage and the weaknesses he shows. He’s not a perfect hero, he has his anger fits, he can yell and shout more than necessary too, but he’s pure at heart and generous. Not to mention honest with others and with himself, and to his own feelings, even the bad ones. We also have lots in common... I love that he loves water and swimming like I do, and the fact he sometimes remains in awe in front of the sky, or at animals and nature, it’s something so endearing to me... I cannot NOT wish to protect him hahah !

14. How would you describe your muse to someone about to meet them, in person, for the first time? Oooh, I’d say Tidus is one energetic boy, with a big mouth and bizarre ideas sometimes, but that he’s also very nice, kind young man, with decent manners when he wants to -- and that he’s someone they can trust, most of all. This picture is very conflicting and the person in question may think I’m about to introduce them to someone weird, but it’s not a lie in itself.   

@hercbled​ : 8

8. Do you genuinely want your muse to be happy? What do you think would make them most happy in life? Stop right there, Goers, and let me tell you this: yes! All the yes, of course. Which is also what leads me prefer, deep inside my heart, the good ending of X2. I know it breaks the atmosphere, I know that his ‘death’ has a big, immense meaning... no matter all of that, I understand why people do prefer it and yes, I feel the same too. But I think he wishes for nothing more than a chance in life. That living, again, by Yuna’s side and finally at peace with what his father was and meant for him, would make him the happiest person in Spira.

@baajisms​ :  7 /already answered, 1, 11

1. What makes you the most emotional about your muse? The fact he chooses to sacrifice himself, to accept ‘death’ with courage, in order to grant a place that initially condemned him, haunted him even and that did mean the destruction and corruption of his father too, Spira, peace. An eternal calm, which is partly his doing too. He helps and never expects something back. He knows he won’t see the peace, the happiness of all his new friends, and he knows he’s gonna be separated from his love, but if that much of a pain will mean something pure, something heavenly perfect and beautiful as an endless Calm will come, then he really can’t have a choice on the matter. He does it, with tears and pain, but is well aware of what will mean to generations and generations of people... and yes, to even those who could never stand him and were once his enemies.

11. What do you hate about your muse? Not much, honestly. I like various characters, but I feel closer to ones that have more things I love than things I hate. That’s also more or less how I decide which fav characters to write and which I simply like, but never try to write as/for. Maybe the only thing that bothers me is the fact he yells a lot ?  Like, in real life I’d adore him, but that factor would throw me off a little bit. But then, he’s a young boy experiencing weird things -- he doesn’t scream 24/7... so he’s forgiven haha!  

@exciofides​ : 17

17. What do you think you connect to your muse? AAA. I’m not one for self-projecting, and this isn’t the case either. I see bits of myself in him, but that’s not all there is to it -- I just think he’s an interesting kind of character, and the more I knew about him, the more the love I felt did grow... I suspect, now, that it wasn’t something sudden or impulsive either, which never happens with muses I choose anyway haha it took me time, readings and just more and more desire to know about him, his story and his emotions that eventually made me realize ‘hey, I like this Tidus an awful lot... I wonder if I could ever write him in a blog... or even just about him, let’s try’. His resilience, courage even when everything seems lost or bad, but also that shy kind of generosity and kindness he shows to everyone loving and willing to listen to him is something I felt close to my heart a lot... and eventually, it’s maybe the side of him I love more <3

#▐┊ ooc. #[ THIS WAS FUN ] #[ thank you all guys <333 ] #[ its never too late at night to tell the dash how much i love tiida ]

[filmista]

Room (2015)

“You saved me, again.”

Once upon a time, well in fact only two years ago I saw a little film called 'Brooklyn' in theaters, at the time I was overjoyed by the film after seeing it, it was for me one of those magical experiences in the theatre.

For a brief moment in time I was unaware of time and space, I was so consumed by the film, and Saoirse Ronan's performance instantly charmed me.

I had some idea of the fact that another film was at the same time also a serious contender for the oscars, the film was 'Room' I knew that Miss Brie Larson was competing against Ronan, for best actress. Now I hadn't seen Room, and I've always kept postponing it, at the time I really wanted Miss Ronan to win best actress.

Little did I know however that people were in fact right about Larson, until I finally saw it yesterday. And while if they gave two best actress oscars, I certainly would have let Ronan win, you know in an unlikely universe in which I made the rules.

I can now really see why Larson took home the prize, what a  brave and powerful performance! She really has to be one of the best actresses working, what an elegance, strenght yet at the same time such fragility, such a physical and energetic performance.

Larson when you see her in the film truly looks like she's doing what she's meant to be doing in life, which is act. I love films and I'm sure I will always love them, and I have my all time favorites, that I turn back to time and time again of course.

But sometimes when a while has passed that I haven't seen anything that I really liked, that left me cold and indifferent and unemotional. I lose faith a little for a while and then I don't really feel like writing a review and so it is, that I end up not doing one of the things that I like best in the whole wide world, which is write about films.

But every once in a while, a little gem will come along. A film that restores your faith entirely, that reminds you of why you ever started liking films in the first place and that makes you understand why people started ever making them in the first place.

Sometimes I just want to watch a film, that will make me emotional in a good way, that will leave me breathless and awed and simply saying, what a beautiful film! A film that makes you want to watch it again almost immediately after a film that makes me want to write about it immediately after having seen it.

Room is absolutely such a film. It left me breathless and made me fall in love with it on first watch. ‘Room’ is really the only film in a while that I can say truly fucked me up in the best way, I cried my eyes out I’m not ashamed to say, but I also smile and laughed. 

Now it helped that I had only a quite vague idea of what to expect, I knew it was about a young woman that's been kidnapped that raises her son in the captivity of a shed, a filthy shed. And shields him from that horrible reality in the best way she can.

Now I was initially afraid that I was gonna see either one of two things, A: a depressive drama, that hits you like a brick on the head and that numbs you for half a day one of those films that makes you feel like just locking yourself in the bathroom and saying humanity is disgusting and the world is evil and ugly, I'm never going out into it again.

Or B: a sensationalist drama, with heavy emotional though artificial dialogues, designed with the one goal of getting people to cry, and an excessive presence of talking to police, it's an artificiality that I cannot stand.

Just like I can't stand forced or excessive fake friendliness when talking to someone, few things drive me up the wall but that is one of them. I want to feel for myself, it's ok to be led there a little but if the entire film is doing the work, well I'm not gonna be to big a fan.

Much in the same way that I prefer authenticity in a conversation if it's possible, I prefer to have that in films as well, films that reflect human beings, as exactly that, human beings, in their full glory of flaws and emotions.

And Room delivers on that, it portrays a story that could have been easily sensationalist, they could have easily have made into one of those reality tv shows/ documentaries such as ‘House Of Horrors: Kidnapped’, how do I know this show being European you might ask?

Well I can get a few American channels, there are of course respectable channels, but one is an absolute monstrosity full of reality tv shows of rather questionable quality... 

Yet one time when I was sick I’m ashamed to say it lured me in and I fell for it's sensationalist nature, and so it is that I ended up watching a couple of episodes of ‘House of Horrors’ (sush though, wouldn’t want to tarnish my reputayion as serious film lover) and oh boy am I glad Room is not anything like that...

Room is real and authentic, fictitious of course, but it feels entirely real and rooted in a strong sense of reality (sometimes bleak, dark and horrible) while you're watching it.

Room could have been as I said sensationalist, more about shocking, gruesome, brutal images  it could have been a film that fed on society’s sick fascination with absued and kidnapped women.

Along with an atmosphere that's so depressive that it's supposed to make you say well if it makes me feel that bloody awful, it's a brilliant film right?!

I am of course the first to admit that a film is not always supposed to be happy, or uplifting, sometimes it's good to be harsh and confronting. But when a film is all those things over the course of one film well that's when I'm truly in.

The reality that the main character, her name is Joy Newsome (Ma as Jack calls her), is in, is gruesome there is no doubt about that. She is a woman in what should be one of the most beautiful times in her life, her twenties.

But instead she has been locked up for 7 years in the same little square space, each day is as repetitive as the next. It sounds horribly boring but it really isn't, Joy fitting with her name has days of joy inside that sad reality.

She finds joy in raising her son and in coming up with activities to entertain him and shield him from that world, she doesn't want him to know about the evil and brutality in the world. Wants to desperately create beauty in a place that is in fact ugly and could be their personal hell on earth.

And it's this that makes Room beautiful, and what it could be described to be about, motherly love, the love a mother feels for her child and how it is a love strong like very few things on earth. Her son is in fact the one that saved her, that kept her alive, the one she kept on fighting her, that kept her mentally stable.

Like anyone that would be aware that they are locked up and may never get out again, she struggles with that reality, and some days she loses the battle. Her son calls these her ‘gone days’, we the adults understand that these are the days in which her depression wins over her, in which she would rather die. 

This is because she is unlike her son incredibly aware of her situation, she's incredibly strong holding onto her sanity for the sake of her son. But as her son gets older she starts to question how long she can keep that up, how long the two of them can go on living like that. 

And on his 5th birthday, she decides that her son is old enough to grasp the concept of a world existing outside of room, that there is a whole universe, full of real things.

And she feels that he needs and deserves a real childhood, so she tries to get him to grasp that she has been held captive, and of course here is the thing, for years she has she has shielded him for reality.

And has attempted to make reality more pleasant than it is, for instance she tells him that the food they get from the captor is brought into the room through magic.

It's the love Joy feels for her son that makes the film so touching and so beautiful. There have been films about mother and sons relationships before of course, but this one is something special.

Joy's son of course was born out of rape, it's painful: the one good thing in her life, was also brought to her through her totmentor, through the man that took 7 years from her life.

7 years that she will never get back. But she loves her son, sees no part of the man she hates in him, and makes it a responsibility to raise him well and give him as good a life as she can.

And that's what I loved so much about it, in any other film, we might have seen the rape take place in brutal fashion, in Room we never do, it's tactful, yet at the same time perhaps more horrible:

from Jack's point of view, we see his mother go from playing with him, to drastically shutting up, as soon as she hears footsteps arrive, there is no doubt that she is afraid of this man.

The next instance we hear someone getting into bed with Joy, there's the traditional breathing and creaking noises of sex, but no sounds of true pleasure... her son turns his head into the other direction, and starts counting in order to fall asleep, it's a truly horribly subtle scene, in fact I didn’t even fully register it on first watch. 

But while Joy is afraid, the truly great thing about her character is her fierce love for her son, her courage and braveness, in an instance, the man tries to touch her son, she goes into an absolute frenzy, and is willing to take aggression to protect her son.

It’s this particular scene, that reall made me say Wow! She’s so fragile yet fierce at the same time, it’s horrible though so be warned.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9bWK_rqYG0&index=5&list=PLiTEyAnq54GTSRKq66rDJmG4Di2JlaAQM

Anything to keep him safe, she dares to clearly protest against him, even if she knows it might lead to a hit, or worse, a punishment like no electricity, and sleeping in the cold... It's probably partly this situation, that is what makes it more and more clear that they have to escape, or that at least he has.

Brie Larson's performance, is remarkable, I dare say that without her the film would have failed. It is a truly stunning performance, she truly deserved the oscar. She constantly steers the film along with Jacob Tremblay, their chemistry is so warm, genuine, so heartfelt that you could believe the fact that they are real life mother and son.

But the remarkable thing is that Tremblay is at the same level of emotional intensity as Larson, while still conserving the naivety of a child, a child with a curious wondering, with the wondering of someone that is seeing the world for the first time, it's scary and exciting. 

And the way the film uses Jack’s voice to narrate, is especially effective; we see him shift from incomprehension and denial, to acceptance, curiosity and love for the world around him.

And in this sense the film is also a love story: Joy and Jack fall in love with life and the world again, everything is perceived as beautiful, as a gem in time to be savoured, one of the most beautiful moments is after Joy and Jack have escaped and they are having a hamburger in a restaurant.

The enthusiasm and genuine happiness with which Joy bites into the hamburger, as you realize she hasn’t in a long time tasted one is one of indescribable beauty. And Room is even before Joy and Jack escape full of these small gems, but especially once they escape.

But again to return to what I was saying before, what makes the film is the strenght of Larson's perfromance and the equal strenght of her character, Joy is a victim that refuses to be a victim of her situation, as I said earlier anything to save her son, so she devices a plan to save him that might endanger her.

The film really illustrates as cliche as it sounds that few things are stronger than a mother's love, the way she snaps against her captor if he even would so much as get it into his head to touch her son, it’s truly comparable to the fierceness with which a lioness protects her cub, so remember don't mess with momma bear! You'll rue the day...

Brie Larson's intenisty here is astonishing, a tour de force, quite literally! But Room while beautiful and highly interesting the entire time, gets especially interesting once they escape room.

Her son has an easier time adapting, Joy struggles, everyone is concerned and worried, but she also realises that no one will ever understand the hell she went through.

and no one really respects that she will be scarred forever, she is thrust onto national television for an interview, in which the interviewer adresses her in a tone oozing with disrespect and more interested in the sensationalism, I quite literally thought: You horrible bitch! Where is your basic human compassion?

I just want to include the interview scene:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QV2rrUQZy9Q&list=PLiTEyAnq54GTSRKq66rDJmG4Di2JlaAQM&index=21

Joy is so frustrated by the incomprehension and she is numb and dulled by what surrounds her,  feels like a freakshow, a tourist attraction, that she tries to take her own life, it is again her son, the one that she decides to stay and fight for.

Ultimately the days slowly get brighter, sunshine slowly pours back in again, and she falls back in love with life again, and realises that life isn't meaningless, there is more than a room of a few square feet.

That is why it's also a love story, a love story in the sense that it is about a mother's love for her son, but also a love of life, this is one of those films that will really make one say: My god how lucky I am to be alive! How beautiful everything is!

It seems to say: next time you go out, look at that tree or the sky a little longer than you usually would, and really see it, really appreciate it, savour it. Room is undoubtedly a gorgeous film in all of it's aspects, but visually it is especially astonishing.

It's not a film that cost much, in fact its budget is surprising low, it's visually simple, no fancy special effects, no over excessive use of music, everything is distilled, pure, natural, unglamourous, real, simple but because of that beautiful as well.

It seems unlikley that a film that takes place largely in one room, then in a house, and at at times nature could be so pretty, but it is, just because of how it infuses the way it captures everything, with a mix of at times horribly gritty realism, accopamied by closeups.

While at others it infuses warmth in the way it captures things, bringing out the perhaps natural poetical quality in what surrounds us.

the colors and lighting are intense throughout, though never overly so, Room is not a documentary and yet it feels that palpable that real, a true achievement! I'd say everything that I said about this, doesn't nearly do it the justice it deserves.

This is one of those films that almost make me feel inadequate as a reviewer, because there's not enough words in the English language, or in mine for that matter. It's one of the most beautiful, emotional, humane, and life affirming films I've seen. Bravo Miss Larson!

“I'm sorry that I'm not nice anymore! But you know what? Maybe if your voice saying "be nice" hadn't been in my head, then maybe I wouldn't have helped the guy with the fucking sick dog!”

#room #room 2015 #room movie #room film #lenny abrahamson #brie larson #jacob tremnblay #sean bridgers #joan allen #william h. macy #tom mccamus #drama #movies #films #movie review #film review #cinema #filmista