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allgonejeon · 9 months

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All the messages I never sent you from my notes (pt1)

To Age. From when we first broke up (Feb 21, 2023), I wrote to you on my notes so I had an outlet. I sent a few to you, but here’s the whole list…

2/23 2:03am

I’ve been trying to forget you but Australian tiktoks keep showing up on my fyp and I never used to get them before. I keep pressing “not interested” but they keep popping. I blame u 😤

2/23 12:36pm

The more I think about it, the more I realize you never respected me or my feelings. Not to the fullest at least. You’d bring up your ex without regard of my feelings and tell me that it was different with her because you were able to touch her. You treated the situation like 🤷🏻‍♂️ and didn’t apologize through phone, only text.

2/23 2:11pm

Wonderwall played from one of my playlists. I was going to skip it, but i put it on repeat. I know you don’t miss me at all, but damn do I miss you. And I really hate it.

2/23 11:43pm

Some dude I met at A’s last week just slid in my DMs just now and I just liked his message lol. Like, no. Also, one of the guys that girl brought to the party DMd me too. He invited me to dinner with some friends and I said yes. He’s super sweet and hes pretty cool, but the the thing is that I don’t feel anything when I would usually feel excited. It’s like no matter what dude comes to me, I don’t have the heart to try with anyone. And there have been a few. I’m assuming that’s how you’re feeling right now, but not about me. I know it’s only been a day, but man do I miss you. While you’re missing someone else, I’m here missing you like crazy and I hate it. I genuinely don’t think you miss me though. Not one bit. But I do. I miss you texting me about your day, I miss you calling me cute or cactus or chihuahua or princess or you calling me by my full name. I miss you sending me random tiktoks and random pictures of what you’re doing. I miss you being there when I’m having panic attacks. I miss your voice, I miss you ranting about the most random things. I miss when you tell me about chubs or how unbearable work was. I miss being there for you. And I miss having someone to talk to at night before I go to sleep. It became a habit I loved.

I saw this one tiktok where it said “while he’s chasing someone else and you’re chasing after him, who’s chasing after you?”. I think the objective was to instill some feeling of being pathetic, and it kinda hit.

I feel pathetic for still wanting things to work out and hoping we both change and be good for each other in the future. But I’m terrified that you don’t want that, and I’m currently preparing myself for that. Because I’m sure that is surely the case.

2/24 2:50am

I can’t sleep and I miss you so much. But I really don’t think you miss me. And that kinda makes me sad.

2/24 10:34am

We’re driving past a street named “cactus”. It reminded me of you.

2/24 1:45pm

I’m seeing couples everywhere. They’re drinking mimosas next to each other or drinking coffee and laughing. And all I can think about how it must’ve been you with her. I’m sitting at a table next to a couple, his arm over her shoulder. I keep torturing myself and thinking if you’ve ever done that with her. And how you miss it.

2/25 2:47pm

It finally caught up to me. It’s so painful having to hold it all on when you’re in the back seat of the car and having to swallow hard so no one finds out you’re falling apart right behind them. My tears are running, I’m holding my breath, my nose is stuffy and I want to sob but I can’t right now.

2/25 5:18pm

I just realized I’ve had my phone on dnd since last we spoke.

2/25 5:38pm

You were never here but I’ve made so many memories of you here. All the places I’ve been to that I’ve talked to you in. It’s insane how that kinda works. Trader Joe’s. I was there picking flowers and stopped in front of the roses to text you for five minutes straight one time.

2/26 3:28am

You just posted a note that said “ever wonder if your crush actually likes you?” and that stung me so hard because I know it’s not me you’re talking about. Call me sensitive but I just literally cannot believe how you move on so fast. You said there was no one else.

2/28 5:13pm

A week has passed today. I only realized because I’m back at Barnes and noble to do the study with Eve. It’s not the same location though. I teared up at the thought of going back there– to the same Barnes. I knew I’d have to walk through the same side of the marketplace, the same doors, the same environment, the same empty music area in the back of the store I hid to talk to you. The same one where I anticipated this would end. And i don’t think I can do that. Ive been thinking a lot about the situation. At first I wanted to think that you didn’t want me to leave, but now I’m starting to believe that you probably didn’t care I did. I’m afraid you don’t miss me. I wonder if your personal trainer mentions me still or if you even told him you “broke up” with me so that he wouldn’t mention me at all. I wonder if you think of me when you see Chubbs. I wonder if you think of me when you hear “America”. I wonder if you miss calling me still or texting me or just having me around. I wonder if you regret ever giving up on me. I think that, although it pains me, it’s best to believe that you won’t come back and that you’re moving on as we speak. And to tell you the truth, I feel pathetic that I still miss you and that my heart still clings to you. And I absolutely tear myself to shreds that I let the most sheltered part of me grow attached to you in such little time and in such a way that I can’t seem to move on for the time being; my heart.

3/2 2:48pm

I’m dog sitting again at the same house we FaceTimed for the first time. I was dreading coming, honestly. I’m in the family room where I was calling you and laughing with you. I was in the kitchen where the sink is; the same place I set my phone down while I was doing dishes and you working on school. You complimented my purple rain shirt and we talked about how awful trump was lol. I went into the wing of the house where you spoke to Sarah for the first time and helped her with her test. Damn I miss you still. But I’m okay. Hope you’re okay too with what you’re dealing with right now.

I went to First Friday with my friends tonight. It sucks that I still wish you were here in person. I spoke to P about you yesterday (3/2) and she was sad. Today I told her that I’m trying to convince myself that you don’t care and she used the sternest voice, saying “you can’t really think that, right? There is no way that boy does not care about you. Why else would he have stayed so long and blah blah blah…” and idk. Although I’m trying to convince myself of the worse, it kinda makes me feel good she said that. Man I miss you so much.

Also, I posted some stuff on my close friends and public story. I know it’s stupid and weird but I kinda wonder what you thought of them. If you felt anything at all or if you just didn’t care at all.

3/4 6:32pm

I took my time to unfollow all the boys I don’t know. Those random boys who followed or whom I’ve followed. I’ve been meaning to do it for a while but I finally got around to doing it. There’s a number of reasons, I guess. None of them mean anything to me. I only kept the guys I know personally. I unfollowed everyone else. I still have yet to unfollow some girls but I know I’ll get around to it. I think the only boy I kept that I don’t have any other mutuals with (except for Sarah) is you. I think my hopes of being with you again are slim to none, but I think my heart still clings to you. And I can’t seem to unhinge it.

Also, I read back our messages for the first time and man. The feelings all came back. It felt as if you never left. And it hurts me a bit.

4/9 1:49am

I was at a party tonight, I didn’t know most of them, just a few. But as I was wondering my eyes around, I noticed a familiar guy staring at me. He even made his way to me while I was asking for a cocktail. I admit, he’s cute. He’s tall and he seems super sweet. He asked for my number before I left and I was kinda excited about it. I left early to go to dinner with friends then had a midnight trip to an ice cream place in downtown. The girls hyped me up and I pulled one of my friends to the side and told her I felt kinda guilty. But what she said was right. You’re stuck on another girl and you’re probably talking to other girls too. There was no point on waiting for you when you made it clear you were still stuck on someone else and won’t come back. But to be completely honest, I feel like I was forcing myself to be happy and excited. He texted me that same night as I was paying for my ice cream and we made plans to get together the next week. And I think the only reason I felt the way that I did was because I was making plans with someone that wasn’t you. Sure, I had a dude texting me, but it wasn’t the person I wanted it to be. But at this point I have to accept the way things are right now. I miss you still, but man do I still feel so pathetic for wanting you after I know you don’t want me. After everything you told me. After explicitly telling me how much you loved your coworker and how you missed kissing her and holding her. It stings. But maybe this is what I need to just forget it. I doubt you care though.

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dykejake · 2 years

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innate magic | chapter six

pairing: josh kiszka x f!reader

words: 2.1k

warnings: 18+! mentions of sexual interactions.

summary: you meet a man in a bar, who you’re pretty sure you recognize from the local trader joe’s. he says he doesn’t work there, but that doesn’t mean you two don’t hit it off.

a/n: thank you to everyone who has said y/n in this fic being plus size is important or special to them. that means the world to me, I love that you feel seen because I wanted to represent myself. much love.

as per usual thanks to @earthlysorrows & @fosterkidwiththebrokenjaw for proofreading, I adore you!

part one | part two | part three | part four | part five

You were enjoying the casual friendship that you and Josh were sharing - two weeks had passed since you’d poured your heart out to him and cried on him, and he’d continued to be nothing but absolutely wonderful during that time. Texts, the odd FaceTime - never anything crossing the boundary between friendly and flirtatious. It felt good, and you were happy you’d decided to take this route with him.

He still loved voice notes, clearly, sending them to you at least twice a day. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t look forward to them every day. When your phone notified you that you had another from him, you excitedly opened it and hit play.

“Hey, y/n! My brothers and I are hanging out at mine this Saturday, thought maybe if you were free you wanted to join? They mentioned you, said it would be a fun time if you could come. Don’t worry, they know we’re focusing on friendship, I made sure to tell them. Anyways, I’ll totally understand if it doesn’t work, but just let me know!”

Your immediate instinct was to say yes - you hadn’t actually seen him in person since you’d cried on him, and you missed his bandmates almost as much as you missed him. But being actually with him again made you nervous. How would it go? Would it be weird?

You yelled down for your roomie, calling her over and asking her opinion. You knew what she would say before you even asked, but you wanted her genuine opinion anyways.

“You know what I’m gonna say, hun. You should absolutely go, have a good day. Aaaand, I mean, if you wanted to invite your roomie over…”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m gonna go. As for inviting you…”

“No, you’re right. I’m still not over the they’re-in-a-band thing and I’ll make it weird. I will stay home while you go have a good time.”

You sent Josh a voice note right back, agreeing to the get together. He sent back four smiley emojis, and then nothing in the two days before you had plans.

Morning of the Saturday came, and you were feeling anxious. First you’d sent Josh a quick “we still on?” text message and received an almost instant “yep!” response with a smiley emoji. You pored over your outfit for hours, not wanting to come across as too desperate or confusing, just purely there as a pal. You settled on a pair of jeans and one of your favourite bell sleeve crop tops, smiling at yourself in the mirror. No makeup seemed like the best route, and your hair tended to just do whatever it wanted to so you left it as it was, then made your way over to Josh’s.

The way you were feeling on the walk there was mixed - the last time you had walked this, you had intended on never seeing Josh again. Now you were heading there again, seeing him for the first time in person since your heartbreaking discussion, and it felt weird.

You didn’t even knock before the door swung open to Josh’s smiling face, and you instantly were reminded why you had been drawn to him in the first place. The smile was radiant, enveloping you in instant warmth and comfort. You felt at home, even just as his friend.

“Hey, y/n. Thanks for coming over! Nobody else is here yet, so…”

“Oh.”

You felt yourself tense up instantly. The whole reason you felt comfortable being here was because there would be other people to offset the awkwardness. Now that you knew you were gonna be alone with him, you were…

He interrupted your cascade of worries with a gentle pat on the arm.

“Come on in, anyways, make yourself at home. I’m still making food, so you can keep me company if you want.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Your face was red as you followed him into the kitchen, the memory of being sat on his counter as he ate you out after having breakfast at the forefront of your mind. It felt weird being here again - after all, you had only been here to have sex and then break his heart - and now you were here as a friend. Just that, a friend.

He cleared his throat, pointing to a utensil on the counter. “I was hoping you wouldn’t mind to pass me that quickly before this burns.”

“Sorry, I was fuckin miles away.” You quickly passed it to him and he smiled his thanks, then turned his attention back to cooking. On this side of the counter, you could help him, so you pulled yourself up to sit on the counter (actively pushing away the memory of sitting on his counter before) as he cooked.

“so… been good, y/n?”

“Yeah, been alright. Work’s work, y’know? Busy. It’s actually nice to have a night at someone else’s house where I don’t feel obligated to work whenever I have a spare minute.”

You were rambling, and you knew it, but he didn’t seem to mind. You were hoping that if you filled the silence with idle chit chat, he wouldn’t have an opportunity to get a word in edge-wise about, well, the state of your friendship. What you two were. How you felt.

How you still felt. Seeing him again hurt, actually, if you were honest with yourself. It was a direct reminder of the happiness you were not allowing yourself to have, that you were holding yourself back from.

But you couldn’t ask for him back. It was absolutely not fair to him to break his heart and then expect him to allow you back in. So, you would be thankful of the space that he allowed you to occupy in his life - as a friend, nothing more.

A friend. A fucking friend. You had to keep reminding yourself of that, keep the thoughts of him holding you, kissing you, fucking you out of your mind and exist as a friend.

You hopped down from the counter to retrieve something from the fridge for him, passing it gently to him as your fingers brushed. It felt warm, comforting, kind, and you tried not to think about it.

Finally the door opened and Sam and Jake walked in.

“Danny not coming?” You asked Josh, and he shook his head. “Nope, he’s got a date.”

“Just the three of us!” Sam quickly made his way over to you and hugged you, squeezing you tightly and rocking you back and forth. “Missed you, y/n. So nice to see you again, glad you’re staying around.”

Jake followed suit, hugging you sweetly but not near as tightly. You didn’t blame him - if someone had broken your twin’s heart but somehow managed to stay in their life, you’d keep them at an arm’s length as well.

The night carried on, the four of you sharing snacks and playing board games. Josh had quite the collection, it turned out, including some of your favourites. You were having a fantastic time, laughing and playing as strategically as you could.

You were in the middle of a fun game when everyone’s drinks were empty, so you offered to do the run to the kitchen and refill. You were standing in the kitchen, pouring water into your glass, when you heard a voice behind you.

“Hey, y/n.”

“Oh, hi Jake. Can I get you something?”

“Oh, no. I wanted to talk to you - just you - for a second.”

The colour drained out of your face and you could feel yourself getting anxious. He hated you, he didn’t want you here, he was going to tell you that you should leave and not talk to his brother again.

“Yeah, of course.” Your voice was shaky, but you turned to him.

“I’m not mad, or anything. Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“No, it’s fine. I just have anxiety.”

“Well, I promise I’m not mad. I won’t ask you to leave or anything like that.”

“Okay.”

“I don’t like that you pushed him away because of the way you feel about yourself. And don’t tell me that that isn’t exactly what you did, because it is. He is one of the nicest people I know, y/n, and I can say that is the 100% real and honest truth because I’ve known him for my whole life.”

“I’m not sure what you want me to say, Jake. I feel terrible for doing what I did, I didn’t even think about it and I let my insecurity and anxiety get the better of me and hold me back from something great. I’m sorry that I hurt him, I will apologize and apologize and apologize until it’s enough, I will.”

“You didn’t let me finish, y/n. I don’t like that you did that, because it hurt him, but. You made him so happy. You still do. So if you’re looking for permission, or whatever, to ask for him back - you have it.”

“I don’t think it’s fair on him or his heart to do that.”

“I don’t think it’s fair on him or his heart to try and make that decision on his behalf. I think you should ask, and see what happens, because you make him happy and there is nothing he deserves more than happiness.”

With that, Jake turned and left the kitchen, leaving you alone with the four drinks and your own thoughts.

He was right, and you knew it. You also had the intense feeling that if you hurt Josh like that again, you would have Jake to answer to, and that was a slightly worrying thought. He hadn’t said anything along those lines, but it felt implied in the conversation.

You could hear muttering from the other room, and Josh poked his head into the kitchen mid sentence.

“Can’t believe he came here to help you with the drinks and then left without them, Jesus. I know I’m absent minded, but-“

He ceased his rambling after spotting you, eyes wide open and gripping the counter, lost in the chaos of your own brain.

“Uh… y/n?”

“This sucks.”

You were making a habit of this - speaking to Josh without processing what you were saying before actually saying it.

“The drinks?”

You turned to look at Josh, trying not to let yourself tear up.

“No, this. Being your friend.”

You watched his shoulders sag and his eyes go sad, then quickly rushed towards him as you realized the implication of what you had said.

“Being JUST your friend, Josh, JUST your friend.”

“Oh. Thank fuck. I thought you didn’t wanna be my friend anymore either.”

“God, I’m so sorry, I should’ve worded that better. Jesus Christ. No… Jake had a conversation with me.”

“So THAT’S why he forgot the drinks. He was being protective.”

“He just cares about your happiness, Josh. And apparently I make you happy.”

“Yeah.”

“And he… he wants me to ask for you back.”

“And is there a reason you aren’t doing that?”

“I mean, I’m trying to. I want to. I’m just scared.”

He softened, lifting a hand to brush your hair behind your ear, then gently took one of yours in his and kissed it.

“Of what, angel?”

“You saying no.”

He proceeded to press a kiss to each knuckle on your hand, as soft and loving as he could, like you were a song that he wanted to learn how to sing.

“No danger of that, my love.”

“Can I have you back, Josh?”

“Of course you can.” He pulled you close to him, capturing your lips in a tender and sweet kiss. You melted into his embrace, unable to hold back from letting tears stream down your face. Your arms wrapped around his neck to hold him to you, and you knew you never wanted to let him go.

He pulled away from your lips and pressed kisses to your cheekbone, your jawline, slowly down your neck, speaking in between every single kiss. “You. Are. Everything. I. Will. Ever. Want.”

taglist: @secretgvfstan, @fosterkidwiththebrokenjaw, @screechesincoherently, @tlexx, @theweightofstardust, @godblessmarywanna, @weightofdreams-gvf, @prettyxvenomx, @fictional-duchess, @ascendingtostardust, @agirlwithmanytastes, @earthlysorrows, @danny-wagners-peacesign-necklace, @fleetsonfire

#greta van fic #josh kiszka #josh gvf #greta van fleet #josh kiszka imagine #josh kiszka x reader

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treesandtheirberries · 3 years

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y/n tells Harry about her one-night stand.

YIKES. this is so not influenced by irl events AT ALL. hehehe. first time using a gif kinda nervous.

wc: 2.9K, angst?

______

In his apartment's living room, their scheduled 'study time' was reaching the point where they were bored and annoyed. (y/n) was sitting upside down on his couch, head towards the floor while her legs dangling on the top of it. Harry, on the other hand, was lying outstretched on the rug, both of their textbooks abandoned.

"Organically! I just want to meet someone organically in a, I don't know, a fucking coffee shop. Or Trader Joe's. I'll even settle for the dining hall!" (y/n) yelled, her frustrations about relationships were a sore spot and she always vocalized them. Being a hopeless romantic, she idealized the thought of being in love far too much. "But we're about to graduate! I've lost my chance, Harry!"

He chuckled at her comment: her dramatics and his nonchalance a perfect dynamic for their friendship. "You stress about it too much, like you said, we're about to get out of here you should be having fun. Don't overstress your little mind."

"Don't pin me the holey virgin, I just want a Lover, Jesus Christ."

"(y/n), you haven't even held hands romantically with a single person. I think I'm allowed to tell you to just get out there already." Harry laughed, they also had an interesting dynamic based on their experience. She was known for pining but not succeeding, while he, on the other hand, liked to enjoy his college years through the art of casual fucking.

"You underestimate me. I have done stuff." (y/n) shyly said, still embarrassed and even ashamed of her recent actions.

Harry quickly turned his head to (y/n) in shock, a playful smirk on his face. "Excuse me? And you didn't say a word about it to your best fucking friend?" His tone was playful and offended, his dimples diminishing any real harsh feelings. "Spill the deets, can't believe you withheld this from me dude." He couldn't explain why he felt like his heart rate was rising, or why his ears felt hotter. He was happy for her, yeah, it was about time.

"So," she dragged, cheeks flaming, "You know how I've been on tinder for a while."

"You said it was for fun? Like nothing real?" He questioned.

"Well, it was, until it wasn't. Matched with this one guy and it escalated, the first guy I met in person and it was the intention of hooking up." She sat up now, covering her face with her hands out of utter embarrassment. Why was it so hard to speak about these things with her best friend? They've shared every detail in their lives. "And we did, sorta. First kiss, first ... everything really. Except for sex, I refused to fuck him."

Noticing her shift in positions, he sat up too, to get a better view of her. The two shared about everything and he was extremely invested in this new conversation. "(y/n) what the fuck, that's great!" He was happy his friend was finally getting a taste of what was out there. The tingling feeling in his hands was unexpected though, along with a strange pressure on his chest. "Sounds quick, why not go the full way then?"

"I definitely rushed into it. I don't think I wasn't ready, but I regretted it after because I wish it was with someone I knew. Like, knew his last name, or his favorite movie. That's why I didn't fuck him. I probably would have cum if I actually liked him." Her cheeks were still burning from embarrassment, but she knew Harry's habits, so it's not like it was a big deal, right?

"I think we always romanticize our first, and I don't think anyone has a genuine connection." Why was it making him feel strange to imagine her with another guy? He talked about his escapades weekly with her, they weren't strangers to this topic, only that now the subject was flipped. "But I think you should've cummed regardless, pet." Small bursts of her mouth ajar entered his mind, what he assumed she'd look like in pleasure.

Groaning she began to squirm on the couch. "I know we do! But I can't help it. Is it so wrong for thinking I should've kissed someone I genuinely like? I had to learn how to make out right then and there, it was so embarrassing. Don't even get me started on the other stuff. It was enjoyable but, I think I was just too nervous to cum."

Images came flashing to him more frequently after the first. Her kissing this guy. Her straddling his lap and grinding. Her pulling his zipper down and-

"I just really wanted to see what it felt like; to be that close to someone." She finished, sighing.

Shaking his head from thinking of his best friend that way, he focused his attention back on her in front of him. "There's always going to be other chances to be that close to someone, you can decide when it means more to you or whatever. Make sure it's something you enjoy, not something that puts you down every time; that's not healthy. Don't put so much weight on yourself for it, I mean look at me," he finished with a soft laugh. Suddenly, and for the first time in years, he began to regret how many times he's been with other people. The thought of the two discovering each other for the first time became unbearable from how unreasonable it was. He wanted to be the one to show her how to kiss, teach her how she should be pleased. But if she thought this was such a big deal, then it seems like his body count would be something she'd be too cautious to physically approach.

The two sat in silence for a moment, their words lingering.

Finally, she broke it, softly saying "Just please, don't ... think of me differently."

"(y/n) you're a saint regardless, please don't think you've changed my view of you somehow when we both know I'm the filthier one." He tried to underplay with another lighthearted laugh.

"It's just hard not to think of myself as dirty, for doing that with a stranger." (y/n) hadn't had enough time to process the situation, and being to actually vocalize her feelings instead of ignoring them was making her emotional. She was known for being dramatic, but the tears welling up in her eyes were warranted given her situation."I won't be able to have that special moment with the person I love anymore. It's all tainted. I know I agreed to it, but I feel so fucking dirty. Is that the only attention I can get? Through my body? He was all over me when I was on him, but he didn't want to meet up the next day to hang out. I wish I never did that because now I know what it feels like to be wanted, but in the worst fucking way." At this point, silent tears began to fall down her face. She turned away from Harry, embarrassed at the whole situation, vulnerability was hard for her.

His heart broke for his best friend who was obviously in pain. How long had she been dealing with these feelings alone? Why hadn't she vocalized them and why hadn't he been there to help her? Finally moving off his spot on the floor, he sat on the couch beside her, enveloping her in his arms. Quickly, she accepted the hug, tears falling quicker now. He didn't know how to process this and disregarding his own whirlwind of emotions, he began to rub her back. "I'm- I can't believe you've been dealing with this alone, (y/n). You're not alone, you're-God, you're everything. Anyone would be fucking blessed to even have you for a second. Beautiful, and smart, and so fucking funny. You're so much more than your body, which is beautiful, but it's not your only way to have someone close to you. I can't believe someone as incredible as you feel dirty. Baby, you're far from it."

"Then why do I feel like this?" She barely made out through a sob, "I feel useless!"

"Maybe you just weren't ready for it yet, or at least in that way. You do deserve to be with someone to make you feel like you're their only priority, but (y/n) you choose when you give that to someone. It doesn't have to be your first-ever, just someone you trust counts for it as special."

She began to calm down, his soothing hands stopping her sobs. "On one side, I'm glad I have some experience so I won't come off as a right loser but I do wish I would've given that part of myself to someone who would've appreciated it. Someone who cares."

His heart began to beat faster. He felt like an idiot for making the situation about himself, but how could he not? Isn't she confessing something? Or maybe he was taking advantage of her vulnerability. Instead, he decided to readdress something she mentioned earlier. "Despite what you feel, you'll never be lonely. You have me, and that's enough. You don't need to do these drastic measures that make you feel useless to feel close to someone, I won't let you. Sure, it works for me but that's what makes us different baby. You're so special and kindhearted. You can be picky with who you give yourself to, and I don't mean through your body, but your heart." He wishes the circumstances were different. Maybe if he didn't sleep with a different person each week he'd maybe lift her chin up, wipe her tears, and give her a slow kiss to prove what she deserves.

"Feels like I found out the hard way about something I already knew. I'm too emotional for one-night stuff. Wish I could've done it with someone like you."

Her words were soft-spoken as if the crying drained her of her energy. She did tend to sleep after a breakdown. But this didn't ease his firing thoughts: did she mean it? Like in a romantic way? How does he even respond to his best friend saying something like that when she's typically so shy?

"You know I care so much for you, and I'll always be here for whatever you need." There. He laid out his conditions: he's hers whenever. He prays she's awake enough to acknowledge it, but the slow rise of her back proves otherwise.

______

When she awoke, she found herself in Harry's bed. It wasn't unusual so she wasn't shocked. They tend to sleep at one another's if they stayed over too late, and since they had been friends for over ten years, sleeping in the same bed wasn't an issue.

Except, she felt like the biggest fucking idiot on the planet. (y/n) has a major problem with vulnerability, either never giving up enough about herself or in turn, dumping all her emotions at once. She heavily regretted both but at least she could bask in the former than take back the latter. Stupid fucking idiot. Not only does Harry now know she hooked up with a stranger but he's gotten an even closer look at how much of a loser she is. Fantastic.

She doesn't know what's happening with her emotions, but tears began to fall down her face onto the pillow. Pathetic. Harshly rubbing at her cheeks, she finally turned over to see Harry asleep. He was facing her, face peaceful and soft.

With her tears still running, she got out of bed, hoping to make it out before Harry noticed. She needed to be alone to go over everything, and luckily he was a heavy sleeper.

Roughly grabbing her jacket from his desk chair, and finding her abandoned backpack, she slowly made her way out to his living room area. More feelings of utter stupidity ran through her, making her feel cold and useless once again. She carefully turned the doorknob of the main door open, being mindful of the creak it would occasionally make.

And just like that, she made it to her dorm while trying not to cry harder on the walk there. Dropping her stuff right at the entrance of her room, she peeled her clothes off to lay in bed. She felt almost a burning sensation in her chest, the desolate feeling coming back in full force.

She wasn't a stranger to depression. She would jokingly say she had bipolar disorder given her frequent back and forths with suspected manic and depressive episodes. This though was the strongest it's been since the year prior.

Hugging a plushie to her chest, she began to sob fully. The pain she felt was a mixture and accumulation of everything and nothing. She felt like the most useless human on earth, considerably uglier, stupider, more difficult than any other person she's interacted with. She was delusional for thinking she would find someone to connect with emotionally, but she was even more psychotic for giving her body like that to a stranger. She was alone. That's how it always began and that's how it would always end. There was no one for her, no one that would ever care enough to hear her and she'd make sure it would never happen. Equally so, she cared so much about how much she hated herself, that she didn't care at all. This juxtaposition was beyond her, but the pain she felt in her lungs from crying was all she could do to make sense of the feelings.

She was alone. She'd always be. She always has been, and she was absolutely insane for thinking she'd have the luxury of it being any other way.

______

Four days had passed since the two's talk, and it was extremely out of character for Harry not to hear from (y/n) for more than two days. He already was a bit concerned waking up the next day after her confession but thought that she might've picked up a shift at work. He knew she'd have some episodes and would reluctantly admit it, but the two had their process of getting through it. If one or the other sent a text message stating "ice cream?" then it was known that they were having a hard time. With (y/n), a scoop from their favorite creamery and small talk would be enough to make her feel important. It was usually enough to get her out of her slump.

Yet, when Harry sent her that exact message, it went without response.

He assumed she maybe needed space after her first round of sexual experiences, or perhaps she was still exploring them and felt shy letting Harry know. The second option made his heart beat a little faster, despite him trying to control it.

Yet, it was the fourth day without any exchange of Tik Tok's, songs, or Tweets. He was worried.

That's exactly why he found himself right outside her dorm. She had an extra key to his apartment, and he had an extra room key for her dorm. They were seldom used since they were always with each other, but they agreed it was needed in case of an emergency.

He attempted to listen to see if she was there, and knocked just in case. After waiting and receiving no response, he slid the key in to get in. The blinds were closed despite it being a bright day, and no lights were illuminated. This immediately made him nervous, (y/n) was the bright and positive girl that influenced his own dark days.

Walking into the room, he found that she was in bed, covered by more than three different blankets.

"(y/n), please tell me you're okay. Are you sleeping?" His breathing was labored, worried about his best friend. Getting closer, he was able to see her face, turned to the side of her wall. She was asleep, although she had a crease in her eyebrows. Her cheeks were red, a tell-tale sign of one of her crying fits. "Baby, hey, wake up. It's three in the afternoon (y/n)," he said softly, heartbreaking at the sight in front of him.

Slowly she began to wake, looking confused that Harry was there.

"Har?"

"Let's get you out of bed, didn't you have two classes today?" He said, still keeping his tone soft.

At this point she sat up, keeping her eyes down out of embarrassment. "Yeah, but I was tired so I stayed in."

She never missed class, so he knew this was worse than any other episode he's encountered with her. "What's wrong baby, come here," sitting beside her and bringing her into his arms. Almost immediately, she fisted his hoodie and began to shake, minimal noises coming out as she seemed to cry more. Frowning, he brought one hand up to caress her hair as she let out her emotions.

_____

After talking, he found out she was feeling out of sorts during the past few days, but she wouldn't say anything as to why she felt this way. (y/n) reassured him that she was trying to get better, that it was just a random change in her brain. He wasn't so convinced but seeing her get up to change her clothes, brush her teeth, and wash her face was enough. Every time he specifically questioned her emotions, or if this was brought on by what they talked about, it was quickly brushed off.

Having Harry see her in a state like that was beyond embarrassing, and thus she tried to get back to her normal mood despite how her head felt. Basking in her pain alone doesn't seem to be beneficial, so she considered asking her 'one-night stand' back for another night. She knew Harry wouldn't agree, but it was time for her to 'women-up.'

_____

read part two here.

Pleeeease tell me what you think! I def wanna continue this plot line though. Does that mean it's not a one-shot? idk how these things work. Anyway, like i said so not influenced by my recent actions. not at all.

feedback appreciated, suggestions always open. have a good fuh-reaking day!

#harry styles #harry styles blurb #harry styles fluff #harry styles smut #harry styles angst #harry styles one shot #harry styles one direction #harry styles fanfiction #harry smut #college!harry #bestfriends!harry #harry styles fic #harry styles au

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theblekromantik · 4 years

Text

somewhere new

Erik Stevens x Black Reader

a/n: hello lovelies, i hope you’re well and i hope that you enjoy this! i’ve been experimenting with writing lately, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated!!!

summary: you and Erik go decide to go grocery shopping, but you switch things up a little

warnings: fluff-ish with some sexual tension and implied smut

word count: 3189

A booming,

“Yo, ma!”

Accompanied by a knock at the door rattles you, causing you to drop your eyelash into the sink. Your good, very expensive eyelash that requires much focus in order to be applied to your upper lash line.

Grunting and twinging your face in disgust of the sight before you, you fish it out of the sink, blowing on it to determine if the glue is still salvageable.

“Come on, E! Five minutes!” You respond with your mouth slightly parted, a strange requirement for impeccable eyelash placement.

“Princess, we gotta hurry up before the store closes,” Erik protests, pulling up his sleeve to check his diamond-encrusted AP watch. It’s almost seven o’clock, and Erik hated shopping minutes before a store closed. It made him feel like he was being rushed to gather his items and head to the register.

You and Erik frequently ran errands together, only this time you were grocery shopping. Staying in was nice and all – really quite enjoyable – but an end had to come to the endless Netflix bingeing and takeout from your favorite spots. You both, mainly Erik, decided that it was time for a nutritious, home-cooked meal, one that wouldn’t lead you down a road of clogged arteries and hypertension. But Erik was a phenomenal chef, so you could hardly complain that your ongoing DoorDash expenditure had been interrupted.

“Damn! One second!” You holler. “One second…there.”

You step back and look into the mirror, admiring yourself. Thirty minutes of hard work and determination had really paid off! You grab your phone from the sink’s surface and proceed to snap some photos of yourself.

SHUTTER! SHUTTER! SHUTTER! SHUTTER!

Beauty must always be captured, no matter what the time restraint.

“Princess! You taking pictures in there?” The dreaded man pounds on the door, harder this time. Banging, nearly shaking the hinges out of the door until you swing it open.

And there you are, dolled up and all, from the 26-inch deep wave hair to the Adidas tracksuit, the top zipped down nearly to the level of exposing the full extent of your breasts. Just the way you liked it.

Erik can hardly contain himself as he looks further down at you, ogling how your recently-manicured toes fit perfectly between each slot of your sandals. Man, he knew you were one for dressing up, but to the grocery store? Maybe he needs to step his game up.

“Well?” You jest. “You were so loud banging on the door, you got nothing to say now?”

Catching his lip underneath his teeth, he smugly looks you over once more, trying to gather words to say, for you’ve left him speechless.

He inches closer to you, “My babygirl likes to talk back, huh?”

“Yup, she do,” Boldness courses through you, nearly shattered as you maintain eye contact with your boyfriend.

His eyes were boulders, but you were just as unyielding. This game the two of you liked to play – this perpetual exchange of power – rarely ever ended with you emerging victorious. And you knew this, but you wanted to have your fun.

Finally, though smirkingly, you divert your gaze to your phone, shuffling through your gallery to decide which photos to keep, which photos to delete, and which photos to post.

“You look beautiful, Princess,” Erik chuckles after pressing a kiss onto your lips. “Now let’s go.”

While you knew you had lost the battle in the bathroom, you couldn’t wait to enjoy the war you and Erik would have in the bedroom later.

–

“Shotgun!” Erik shouted as you were fumbling in your purse for your keys, making a sprint for the car through your apartment complex’s parking lot.

The sun was setting beneath the horizon, and it illuminated the sky a burnt orange, a hue that began to embellish the surfaces of each object it touched – buildings, vehicles, windows, trees, the reflective skin of Erik’s custom-designed Air Max 97s as he raced further away from you.

After some time, your nimble fingers reach the item of your search, which results in a chime. You pull the keys out, contemplating whether to unlock the car doors for dreaded man in order to relieve him from the heat of the California sun, or let him suffer. Though it was setting, this sun still could extract a cup of sweat from one’s body. But hey, Erik was grown, he could wait.

You strut up to the car to see your boyfriend leaning on the door, panting, condensation forming on his forehead.

You release a sound of triumph, “I was gonna drive anyway.”

The car unlocks with a chirp, and you open the door and sit down. Dumbfounded, Erik was clutching the hood of the car still, trying to catch his breath.

“You getting in, or…”

He opens the car door and slumps down into the seat.

“You didn’t have to have a nigga looking dumb, baby.”

“I don’t think you need me for that, E.”

Erik snickers, “So it’s like that?”

“Yeah, it’s like that,” you tease, pressing the car to start and reversing out of the lot.

The two of you were buckling in for a long evening, and quite frankly, you couldn’t wait to see how it would progress.

–

As you drive on the road, the city and all its structures – both new and old – vanish behind you as a multitude of cool currents of air whip into the car through the windows, blowing your hair in all sorts of directions.

The vehicle vibrates as you blast a playlist full of new releases through your aux, and Erik grips your thigh as he sings to you, gold canines flashing and all.

You gently place your foot on the break, easing the car to a stop before the upcoming red light.

Erik, nearly louder than the music, starts to grind on the seat à la Magic Mike, and you couldn’t help but to laugh at the dreaded man and his silliness, a behaviour that is a pleasant break from his usual brooding nature.

But your laughter is cut short by a car honking behind you, indicating that the light had just turned green. You roll your eyes, because it had literally just turned green, and you press on the gas, revving your vehicle to the speed limit.

You pass another number of buildings a before making a sharp left turn.

“Shit!” You mumble to yourself.

You had almost missed the turn.

“Babygirl, that wasn’t the turn. Where we going?” Erik questions, for the route you’re taking was not your usual one.

“A little change of plans. I wanted to go somewhere else this time.”

“’Somewhere else’?” Erik probes. “What’s wrong with Ralph’s?!”

Now this took Erik by surprise. He’s genuinely concerned about your decision. To him, Ralph’s is King.

“Nothing, just wanna try something different.”

Your boyfriend clutches his heart, feigning a heart attack. You snort and turn into the parking lot. Both the wind and the car’s engine settle as you drive into a spot and press the vehicle off.

“Trader Joe’s?!” Erik cries. “What they got up in there?”

You exit the car, grabbing your purse from the backseat. “Stop complaining. Let’s go.”

–

If boredom could be personified, it’s spitting image would be Erik, for he rests his forearms on the bar of the shopping cart, eyes drooping as he observes the eccentric packaging of Trader Joe’s products.

Picking up a container of salsa he says, “Why all this shit organic?”

But you just suck your teeth and let him sulk behind the cart, ignoring him and all his grumbling.

“And this,” His gaze sets upon another display, “Who the fuck needs all these types of dried fruit? Probably taste like tumbleweed anyway.”

“Yo, stop moaning and groaning over there,” You shoot back at him, grabbing two packages of dried mangoes and placing them into the cart.

But Erik persists, dragging his feet across the smooth, concrete floor.

Minding the grocery list you and Erik had created earlier on your phone, you head deeper into the produce section, searching for some leafy greens and other ingredients that would contribute toward Erik’s signature salad. He walks off with the cart, gathering some tomatoes and bell peppers before making his way into another section of the store.

You, on the other hand, stand in front of the illuminated display with every type of green you could think of: arugula, kale, spinach, and lettuce, just to name a few. Reaching in, you squish some of the bags in order to determine their freshness. And you grab some kale and return to your shopping partner, who was waiting patiently for you, his previous protesting done with.

Looking down at the list on your phone, there wasn’t that much left for you all to grab, just some seasonings that were essential for the completion of any dish. There’re so many to choose from, and quite frankly, you’d just grab them all if you weren’t on a budget. So, you place a couple in the cart. And when you look up again, there Erik is, a pouty look on his face.

“Birthday cake popcorn?” Erik suggests, holding up the multicoloured item.

“Put it in the cart,” You giggle, maneuvering to a checkout line with the least amount of people.

The line becomes shorter and shorter, with customers paying and leaving with their large brown bags. And before you know it, the cashier shouts, “Next!” and moves to take your cart.

“Find everything okay?” The cashier asks, briefly glancing up at the two of you before moving to scan the items in your cart.

“Yes, thank you,” you respond, blankly staring as more items appeared on the customer screen and the worker transferred your groceries into the bags adjacent to the register.

Erik, standing beside you, wraps his right pinky finger against your left one, linking the two of you before you adjust to hold his entire hand. He grips your waist and pulls you in to kiss your lips and lingers there for a short while, eyes boring into yours while also relishing the traces of your chocolate-flavoured lip gloss that had found its way to onto his tongue.

You’re flustered, of course, but not because he hadn’t kissed you this intensely before, but because you were reminded that you were still at the grocery store, for the cashier cleared their throat awkwardly, repeating the total cost you had missed in your fleeting moment of passion.

Scratching your neck, hoping to relieve the embarrassment that that crept up your spine, you ask, “I’m sorry, how much is it?”

To which the cashier responds, “That’s $43.96.”

“I got it, bae,” Erik interjects, pulling out his wallet and handing a crisp yet folded fifty-dollar bill to the worker.

And while the cashier hands Erik the change, you grab the red cart and head toward the exit but not before thanking them. A few steps behind, Erik acknowledges another cashier – the only Black cashier – with a head nod and a knowing smile, to which the cashier nods, shrugs, and returns the grin: the shared feeling of being the only Black person in the room. The automatic doors open, reintroducing the cool evening air upon your face and hair, and the rubber wheels of the cart greet the smooth pavement.

When you reach the cart return, Erik grabs all of the bags while you fit the cart among the lines of carts already present. The two of you begin to walk to your parked vehicle but instead accidentally stumble upon on one with a similar make and model to your own but was not yours.

“I swore I parked right here,” you huff, standing on the balls of your feet, searching the sea of identical cars in the well-lit parking lot. And the fact that there were so many other last-minute shoppers did not help your plight either.

“Lemme see the keys,” Erik says, intrigue in his voice. “I wanna see something.”

You hand him the keys to the car, and he places them under his chin, pressing the unlock button repeatedly.

“That doesn’t actually work, does it?” You quiz, doubt heavy on your words.

“We have to see.”

Supposedly, this little trick should increase the bandwidth of the key’s signal, using one’s head as a sort of antenna. But after a couple clicks, you hear nothing besides traffic on the neighbouring streets.

Pointless, you think, just wanting to hurry up and head home.

But then, you hear a series of chirps in the distance and Erik yipping about the fact.

“Over there,” Erik says, nodding his head toward the source of the noise.

He picks up the bags, and you both head to the vehicle.

–

Shutting the door to your car, you release a sigh. Finally, the bags are all placed on the floor of your car, and you can finally head home.

With your foot on the break, you reach to push the car to start but then Erik yelps, “Wait! I wanna try those mango joints.”

“Oh, now you wanna try them,” You jest, “Because if I can remember, you were just–”

“–Man,” Erik interrupts, reaching to the backseat and rummaging through the bags. “Found it.”

He surveys the clear package titled “Soft & Juicy Mango” with his eyebrows furrowed and his lips curled, a slight repugnance that he couldn’t even help hide. But ripping the bag open, his expression softens as the aroma fills his nostrils, the sweet, tropical scent soothing him.

You watch, rolling your eyes, as Erik cautiously lowers his fingers into the package. One would think that the former Navy Seal wouldn’t be so dramatic over something like trying a new food, but Erik never ceases to amaze you.

Mango slice in hand, Erik purses his lips as he brings it to his mouth, slowly. Tortuously. And chews, his head cocked to the side.

“Wait,” he says as he swallows the last bit. “These bitches smack!”

You release a sound of disbelief, start the vehicle, and pull into the street, heading home. Of course the mangoes were delicious.

–

The sound of the car door closing can be heard as you and Erik finish grabbing all the groceries and head to the entrance of your apartment building. Your boyfriend opens the door for you, his veiny forearm braced on it and towering above you as you enter.

“Damn, ma! You getting thick!” He hollers as he watches the sway of your hips in your fitted bottoms.

You feel your cheeks warm up as you push some hair behind your air. You had been getting thick.

The lobby as you pass through is empty except for the security guard looking down at a glow coming from their lap and a couple of young people with white wires cascading down from their ears, bopping their heads to music that you can hear but not quite make out specific lyrics.

You and Erik find your way inside the elevator, the flickering fluorescents easing you back home, a stark difference from the glaringly bright ones at Trader Joe’s. Erik presses the round “4”, and the aluminum doors begin to close before you, you staring ahead while Erik sneaks a glance at you, smirking before redirecting his gaze toward the sliding metal.

Watching the line of numbers flash as the lift ascends from the ground floor, you turn to Erik, kissing him softly on the lips, closing your eyes and feeling a tingling sensation coursing into him through you. An electrical current that ceases to meet its end, ravishing you both entirely.

And with a ding, the elevator doors open and there you and Erik are, standing chest to chest in the moment, biting your lips like a couple of anxious teenagers on a first date. You pull away from him, keys in hand, heading for the apartment while Erik watches you.

God, how did he get so lucky? You were a treasure to him, and not only because you were so extraordinary but the little things: how you treated him so tenderly and with love yet wouldn’t hesitate to call him out when he was acting like a fool, and how you were so receptive to him as he was to you. These were all things that he scarcely experienced, if he ever experienced them at all. You helped him learn how to love and to receive love, which is an astonishing feat that many cannot confess that they’ve accomplished for themselves. And as you look back at him and smile while you unlock the door, he feels a bit weak in the knees, your electricity overwhelming him once more. You’ve got him hooked, and he loves it. He’s entirely entranced by you, and he doesn’t mind.

You open the door and are welcomed by your apartment, which is completely shrouded in darkness, save for the streetlights, the headlights of passing cars, and the last sliver of the orange evening sky before it is overcome by those distant stars in the night sky.

“Whew,” you exhale, flipping on the light switch and opening the door wider.

Erik sets the bags down on the countertops and approaches you.

“What are you–” you begin, but Erik is sliding his arms around your midsection and turning you to him. He presses his forehead against yours, twirling the ends of your hair and breathes you in and attaches his lips to yours, gently, truly wanting to savour this moment and you in this moment.

He pulls away, slowly, and confesses for the first time aloud, “I love you,” in a voice no louder than a whisper in a public library, to which you respond, “I love you, too.”

And the two of you remain like this for a few moments, staring into each other’s eyes, not even letting the ever-busy late-night traffic rattle you.

“So,” he starts, “About earlier in the bathroom…”

“Yeah, what about it?” You respond, seduction laced in your words.

“I’m thinking we need to address that.”

“Oh, do you?”

“Yup,” Erik answers, popping the “p”.

“And what about the groceries?”

“They’ll be a’ight.”

“Hm,” You sound, lacing your hand with his and walking the both of you to your shared bedroom.

Erik walks towards you, making you both fall on the bed. And the dreaded man begins pecking at your neck, travelling up to the bone of your jaw and landing once again on your plump lips. He swipes his finger down them, and repeats, “I love you.”

You stand up to close the door, while Erik sits up, waiting on you to return to him. You cradle his head in your hands while you kiss him, deeper, all that former tenderness left at the door. And stripping him of his shirt, his impatient fingers also dance to the zipper of your top, lowering it. He slides the jacket over your shoulders as you kneel on the bed to straddle him. But before you could grind down on his crotch, Erik grips your hips and flips you onto your back, the sudden movement bouncing your body on the bed after it meets the comforter.

“Not so fast, babygirl.”

#erik x reader #erik killmonger #erik stevens #black panther #black panther fandom #black panther fanfiction #black reader #erik x black reader #erik killmonger x black reader #black!reader #kris writes #n'jadaka #erik stevens x reader #fanfiction

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shhhhhskars · 4 years

Note

Give us more soft in love alex

My soft, in love boy? Ugh. Makes me feels things. I feel like when he realizes he’s falling in love, it excites him. It’s like a good sign. He doesn’t like half assing anything in his life. He’s passionate and nurturing with his friendships as well as his intimate relations. I always bring up this idea of him taking up so much space, and it applys here again. He’s hands-on and present with his loved ones. So let’s take him and our girl, for example.

It’s all fun and what not in the beginning, but when it starts to dawn on him that he’s falling in love with this human, everything is just all the more special. Everything is in color again, it’s like the world is a little brighter now. He’s smiling at mundane shit, being a little too nice to Valter all of a sudden. He kind of has something to look forward to now, and it makes his heart flutter.

And because he’s so happy, he’s doing everything in his power to cultivate and nurture that feeling, because daddy is an Earth sign. He’s strong, he’s sturdy, he’s grounding. He’s feeding her soul with all the things she needs, to really realize how special she is to him. And it’s all in the little things with him. The little messages he sends her in the mornings. The way his face will light up when he sees her, and how he’ll literally lift her off of the ground in excitement. Asking her if she needs anything from Trader Joe’s and even if she says no, picking up random things that he knows she’ll like, just to surprise her. And he does it so calm, just brings her groceries and beer and flowers while he’s at it too, and is so nonchalant about the whole thing...

And gosh, when he’s in love, he really just wants to get all close to her face. He doesn’t understand personal space, when he’s in love. Hes holding her face, bringing it real close to his whenever he gets the chance. When they’re sitting at a dinner table, in the middle of dinner, too. When they’re walking home from a late dinner, in the middle of the street. In the cab ride home. When they’re in Central Park on a late New York evening, with two brown bags concealing some type of alcoholic beverage.

Stroke her cheek with his thumb, gaze at her with that childish, goofy nature of his and hold his forehead on hers. Whisper some cute, dumb shit about how she’s real cute to look at and she’s even cuter up close.

Eskimo kisses on the nose, soft little rubs. And he’s just thinking about how much he likes grabbing her up, holding her by the sides of her face, just feeling his skin and breath on hers.

And this aspect of Alexander being protective, I’m sure this is when he is in love, right. Because he’s feeling all of these good things, but there’s also this...other side of him, this dark side, where he doesn’t want anyone to fuck with her, ever. That’s his girl, even if it’s not his girl...per say, even if it’s only in his head/heart. You know he had to move with urgency because he didn’t want anyone else sliding in on her. He’s intentional with his actions, and he prides himself in being dependable and pragmatic on the daily, sure.

But there’s this other side of him, the stern nurturer, the capable protector, this powerful provider. He’s very over protective of her. If she’s out late, he’s wants her to text when she gets there, just so he knows she’s arrived. She can have her night to herself, and she usually texts him anyway, but he will honestly get an attitude if she doesn’t let him know when she’s in the cab home. And this isn’t because he’s trying to control her movements in anyway. But he’s just desperate to make sure she’s good. Safe. Secure. Taken care of. Not selfish, just genuine concern.

That’s love, and I’m soft.

#asks #soft alex tings #im soft #fluffy alex

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little-bit-of-cinnamon · 4 years

Text

I Just Hid it Better - Javid AU

Anything Javid love confession I’m a sucker for love confessions like either Davey confessing his love to Jack on accident (please) or “hand holding but it’s complicated”

Javid Modern AU - 2.3k words Jack sketches David as he sleeps

The sound of the door slamming woke David up from his nap on the couch. Groggily, he rubbed his eyes and sat up to see Jack setting his bag down by the door. He could see the guilt on Jack’s face when he realized he woke David up.

“Sorry,” he said with an apologetic frown.

“Nah, you’re good.” David repositioned so he was sitting properly. “Tough day?”

“It’s my stupid drawings class,” Jack started, moving into the living room. “It's already not my favorite because charcoal isn’t my medium-”

“Because you prefer oil paint.” David nodded.

“Because I prefer oil paint. And drawing with a group can’t be good for creativity or whatever, I mean how does it make sense to have one model in one pose and it’s just supposed to work for all thirty of us?” Jack sat next to David, kicking his feet onto David’s lap.

“It’s bad enough that we only do portraits, ya know?”

“Because you prefer landscapes.” David nodded, again.

“Because I prefer landscapes. It’s like, I like portraits, but I like drawing people I know, ya know. I feel like I can really get the mood right when I know what they’re like, what’s going on in their head.” At this point David wasn’t convinced Jack could actually hear him over his own rant.

“I wanna work on charcoal and I wanna work on portraits, it’s just that the class isn’t the best environment for me.” Jack took a slow breath. “I’m sorry, I woke you up. Tough day for you too?”

“Just tired.” David rested his head on the top of the couch cushion. “Work was long.”

“I’ll never understand how you get to work at 5:00 in the morning.”

“People need coffee in the morning and somebody has to serve it.” It was silent for a second before David spoke again. “You can draw me if you want.”

“You hate sitting for my art.” Jack said, surprised.

“I’m not gonna. But I am gonna take a nap, and if you happen to draw me that’ll be okay with me. We’ll see if you can draw what’s going on in my dream or whatever it is you’re looking to do.” David tapped Jack’s legs on his lap so Jack swung his legs back onto the floor and stood.

“Geez, Dave. Isn’t that a little intimate?” Jack joked, but he was already walking toward his bag with his sketchbook. “I mean, I didn’t mean it like,” David was relieved Jack had walked away and couldn’t see him blush.

“I know, Dave. Take your nap, you deserve it.” Jack settled on the floor with his back against their coffee table and his sketchbook in his lap. Surprisingly easily, David drifted off to sleep.

David woke up to a completed sketch on the coffee table and Jack cooking dinner in the kitchen. With a yawn and a stretch David stood up and wandered into the kitchen, he sat on the counter and kicked his foot out to nudge Jack. “Whatcha making?”

Jack turned and grabbed David’s head and gave him an exaggerated kiss on the forehead. “Stir fry!” He said with a smile.

“Damn, you’re excited, must be the one from Trader Joes.” “No, it’s just,” Jack waved a wooden spoon as he spoke. “I’m just really happy with how my sketch came out and I actually feel really good about my drawings class now. I mean, I have to keep up the practicing outside of class so I don’t get stuck in a rut again-” “But you’re feeling better?” David filled in.

“But I’m feeling better!” Jack turned the stove off and took two plates out of the cabinet. He served two plates of the stir fry before joining David on the counter top. “Thanks for letting me sketch you,” “I literally just took a nap on the couch, but I’m glad you got your groove back. Thanks for dinner.” David was always willing to help out, well, he hated sitting for Jack’s art. Just sitting here for as long as it took for Jack to either finish or get bored, hours. But if all he had to do was nap on his couch after his six hour opening shift, well that wasn’t a bad deal.

The next few days were business as usual until Jack’s next class and David’s next shift. David came home, got changed, and took his place on the couch. He scrolled through Instagram, attempting to stay awake but the fatigue from his early shift and long work day caught up to him.

This time, he woke up to Jack on the couch beside him and Netflix playing quietly on the TV in front of them. When David stretched his arms out he accidently hit Jack on the chest. “You’re up!” Jack turned the volume of the TV up.

“I’m up.” David sat up so he was sitting next to Jack, rather than lying with his head by Jack’s lap. “How was class?”

“A lot better than last time. Obviously it’s still not my favorite but it’s not a drag anymore.” Jack pulled some of David’s blanket over his own legs.

“That’s great, Jack.” They settled into a comfortable silence for a while, ordering a pizza for dinner and watching Netflix until the evening. Eventually, Jack left to take a shower and David noticed his sketchbook sitting on the coffee table, again.

He picked it up and began flipping through the pages, Jack never was secretive of his work. There was a mixture of drawings of his friends and models from class and they were all amazing, David would be the first to tell you how talented Jack is, but David could tell the difference. He could see the love and concentration on the sketch Race’s face as he worked out a problem in his notebook.

The sketches of the models were more technical. Each stroke looked calculated, precise. It looked incredible, but in comparison it just wasn’t the same. David flipped the page and there was the drawing of him from earlier in the week. He looked peaceful, calm. David was surprised by how… nice he looked. He always thought Jack’s art presented David as much more attractive than any photo. It was probably just Jack being nice and not including his imperfections.

The next page was another model, from class today. Again, beautiful but with less emotion than the ones of David and their friends. David was about to set the book down when he noticed there was another sketch on the next page.

It was David. Asleep on the couch with his phone resting next to him. Asleep. David didn’t know Jack was going to sketch him again. He wasn’t like, weirded out or anything but he was a little surprised. He figured Jack would prefer a more interesting subject than a sleeping David. But, still, he looked better than David saw himself. It was a beautiful sketch.

“Sorry, I hope it was cool that I sketched you again.” Jack stood in the doorway of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel.

“No, it’s no problem. I figured you’d want a more interesting subject now that you’re more inspired, or whatever.” Jack walked into his room to get dressed as David spoke.

“Dave, I got all the inspiration I need sleeping on my couch everyday.” David pretended that his heart didn’t skip a beat.

“That so?” David managed to squeak out.

“Yeah, Dave.” Jack came back, dressed, using his towel to dry his hair. “I mean I know you so well I feel like I always know what’s going through your head, conscious or not.”

David could practically feel his heart beating in his ears. He hoped Jack couldn’t tell what was going on in his head at this particular moment.

“It doesn’t hurt that you got a nice face to draw, too.” Jack wandered into the kitchen, casually looking in the fridge, as if he isn’t making David’s heart go a mile a minute.

David wanted to smile, to tease Jack as they’ve been doing for years but for some reason he was nervous. He couldn’t get the words out. Something about the compliments, the vulnerability, the emotion in the art. He just felt different than he usually did with Jack. Flirting isn’t uncommon in their friend group but Jack sounded genuine and David could tell he was speaking differently than he usually would with the guys.

But it was getting late and he was tired, he’ll probably feel differently in the morning.

“Good night, Jack.” David stood up and stopped in the kitchen for a bottle of water.

“You alright, Davey?” “Yeah, work in the morning, that’s all.”

“Good night, then.” David couldn’t see the way Jack watched him walk into his room, a concerned look on his face.

Work. Home. Change. Nap.

David got tired of the routine but he needed the money, and he liked his job, really. Good coworkers and regulars he could chat with. It wasn’t all bad. When his classes change next semester he’ll get new shifts and all will be well.

David had hardly woken up when he saw Jack. “Hey,” David said softly, voice low from his drowsiness.

“Hey, Dave. Sorry, I thought you’d be out for a little while longer.” Jack started to close his sketchbook.

“No, it’s okay, I love you.” And suddenly David was awake.

“I mean, I love it. Your art, I mean.” He lost control of the words coming out of his mouth.

“Don’t worry about it Davey, you’re tired. I get it.” Jack grinned.

“Yeah, tired. Sorry if I ruined your process or whatever.” “Don’t worry about it, I’m sure I could draw you with my eyes closed.” Jack continued his sketch.

He wasn’t making this any easier for David.

“You want some tea?” David wouldn't be able to get back to sleep now so he would at least need some caffeine in him. He knows Jack won’t touch coffee.

“Do we have peach?” Jack called to the kitchen.

“I wouldn’t have offered if we didn’t.” David turned the coffee pot and the kettle on before taking the tea out of the cabinet.

He leaned on the counter, looking into the living room. Jack was still sitting on the floor, sketching, even though David had left. He stood and watched him until the kettle began to whistle. He did love Jack, and so what if his feelings might be romantic? He and Jack have been friends forever, this can’t be the thing that brings them apart. Still, that doesn't mean that he should say anything to Jack, or say anything else, really.

He prepared their drinks and brought them into the living room, he set Jack’s mug beside him on the table, not wanting to disturb him further. As soon as David sat down Jack closed his sketchbook and joined David on the couch.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you lately, you’ve been working so much.” Jack sat dangerously close to David.

“The money’s good. I’m hoping if I keep up the hours next semester I could be a manager over the summer.” David sipped his drink slowly, taking in the heat.

“But I miss you, shouldn’t that be a consideration?” Jack took a sip. “This is good, Dave.”

“That’s the kind of good work that’s gonna land me the promotion. I’m scarily good at putting a tea bag into hot water.”

“Shut up and take the compliment.”

David didn’t realize he missed Jack too until they started talking again. Usually they would sit and eat together while watching TV or they would hang out in groups. He and Jack have been friends for years but he still missed him. Suddenly Jack seems far away. He wishes he could be closer to Jack, romantically. He wants to reach out and touch him, kiss him, love him.

But he doesn’t want to lose what they have. He’s probably worried about nothing, but still. He can’t just look to his best friend and say “hey I think I’m in love with you.” It was bad enough when he accidently let it slip. But maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing? Jack’s been single for a while and it’s not like he’ll be infringing on something. And Jack wouldn’t judge him, would he?

“Hey, Jack?” Jack hummed in acknowledgment as he sipped his tea.

“Earlier, when I-” “Don’t worry about it, Davey. You were tired and it’s not like I don’t love you too.” Jack leaned into David, bumping their shoulders together.

Jack really wasn’t making this easier.

‘Right, right. It’s just that, recently, I don’t know. I feel like I might be developing some… feelings. For you.” David stared into his mug, afraid to look up at Jack.

“You feel like you might maybe?” Jack said, cautiously but with a grin.

“Jack.”

“Right, sorry. You’re sure about this?” Jack looked to David.

“I felt like it would be better to just tell you, so it doesn’t affect our friendship.” David finally made eye contact with Jack.

“Actually, that’s not the best idea.”

David’s heart dropped.

“I mean,” Jack began, “our friendship is for sure gonna be different.” “Jack, I’m so sorry. I just-” Jack cut him off. “I mean kissing you stupid, that’s gonna affect our friendship. And going on dates and stuff.”

“Do you mean..?” David couldn’t finish his sentence, couldn’t get his brain all in one place.

“I mean I would do anything to be your boyfriend, Davey.” “I was so scared that I was gonna ruin everything.” Jack could hear the smile in David’s words.

“I’ve been scared to say something for years, you’re just braver than me.” Jack grinned back.

“Maybe changing our relationship up a bit won’t be the worst thing,” David said, leaning into Jack.

#Newsies #Javid #Jack Kelly #davey jacobs #modern javid #newsies fanfiction #Modern Newsies #twist writes

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junghelioseok · 4 years

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10 questions tag

i was tagged by the lovely gia, aka @fantasybangtan! thank you so much, sweet pea, this is such a cute tag! i shall tag @imaginationofacrazyfangirl, @bendthekneetobangtan, @puellaigmotum, @jjkfire, @guksheart, @hobi-gif, @outroshooky, @underthejoon, @suga-kookiemonster, and @folkpunkrock-littlewing-blog, only if you want to! 💕

rules: answer ten questions, then write your own and tag ten people.

.:.

➵ if you could travel back in time to any era (in any country), where would you go and why?

putting aside all notions of how women were probably treated back then, i think i would say either imperial china (han dynasty, maybe) or pre-christianity europe (ireland in particular). china, because, well, a girl wants to learn about her roots, and pre-christianity europe because celtic mythology is really interesting. absolutely love the tuatha de danaan and the tales that say faeries are basically old gods and therefore not to be trifled with. i just wanna know how those stories all came about, you know?

➵ who is your disney crush?

probably flynn rider. the way he stares at rapunzel during “i see the light” makes my heart all gooey 🥺

➵ it’s a blisteringly hot day. what’s your cool-down drink of choice?

iced chai latte! trader joe’s has this liquid concentrate stuff that’s utter perfection.

➵ what’s the best pick-up line in your arsenal?

you know bts? just kidding! i can’t flirt, lmao

➵ if you could have any one person, dead or alive, to dinner, who would it be?

wow, i genuinely don’t know! my answer could go down so many different routes, but since this is a bts blog, i’ll just say kim namjoon and be done with it. i really do admire him so much and would love to pick that big brain of his 😌

➵ say something that you admire about your character.

i guess you could say i’m determined? stubborn might be a better way to put it, and only when it comes to select things, but yeah. let’s go with that.

➵ say something you love about your appearance.

my lips? is that weird to say? probably!

➵ if I asked you at age 5 what you wanted to be when you grew up, what would you say?

my mom loves to tell me about how i used to always say i wanted to be a big star when i was little. problem is, we were speaking mandarin chinese and i was using the phrase “da xing xing” (大猩猩), which, sure, sounds like it could be right. “da” means big, and “xing xing” does technically mean star, albeit the ones in the sky, not the celeb version. except... i wasn’t right. the word i was looking for was probably “da ming xing” (大明星), which means big celebrity. the thing i was saying? 大猩猩? that means gorilla.

➵ tell me about a dream you’ve had.

once i had a dream that i was fighting demons with chris martin, the lead singer of coldplay. 🤷🏻‍♀️

➵ what food are you craving right now?

i could really go for some chicken pad thai. i could always go for some chicken pad thai.

.:.

my questions:

➵ what would you want as your last meal on earth?

➵ what is your favorite personality trait that you possess?

➵ a favorite quote?

➵ if you could suddenly become really good at a sport, what would it be?

➵ favorite drink?

➵ do you have any pets? (pictures encouraged)

➵ who is your favorite superhero?

➵ what scent is the soap in your bathroom?

➵ tell me about your favorite childhood stuffed animal/toy.

➵ what was the last movie you watched?

#tag game #about me

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aaronhart93-archive · 4 years

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Discord II Broken Glass

Discord thread featuring: Aaron and @wtf-eden

Mentions: @romanbeckett @davieslandon @jayceelynd

Where: Aaron’s penthouse

When: a couple days after the Pride party at Throuple

Description: Aaron tells Eden that he is in love with Roman

Trigger Warnings: blood/injury

Aaron:

Aaron walked into his room from the kitchen where he grabbed the pair a bottle of wine and two crystal wine glasses. Aaron only kept the best china around. He smiled when he entered his room and looked over at Eden. He was genuinely happy she was here. The businessman had text her to come over and Eden appeared at his door in no time. It was so simple with her. She made things easy. She wanted to be with him and he wanted to be with her. Not only that, but he wasn’t hurting anyone else when they were together, and they could be happy without causing anyone else pain. They were just Aaron and Eden. Aaron down leaned and kissed her on the shoulder. He had a lot to talk to her about, but he needed a glass of wine first. He walked to his nightstand to open the bottle and pour them each a glass. Handing it to her, he took a deep breathe. “Thanks for leaving so soon the other day. It was important for me to go sort things out with Landon. You’re honestly incredible for understanding.” He said, a light smile appearing across his face.

Eden:

Eden had made her way to Aaron’s home in lightning speed when he texted her. It wasn’t that she didn’t like being at her own home, but she did prefer to be at his house more. Not only was he there but everything at his house was nicer. A bit cozier. Now, Eden sat in his bed, scrolling through her Instagram when he had went out to the kitchen. At his return, she dropped her phone down into his lap to give him her attention. “It was no trouble,” she promised. “I had to run some errands anyways. Like grocery shopping.” She said rolling her eyes as she took her glass from him. She sipped from it quickly, “So? Did you get it all sorted out with him?”June 8, 2020

Aaron:

He was sat down on his bed, cross cross applesauce and was turned to face Eden. “Grocery shopping?” Aaron raised his brow. He’d had almost always had his groceries delivered to him unless he was making a last minute trip. His two exes had both been more or less middle class and he had went with them before, which was one of the many times that Aaron’s privilege hit him hard in the face. He clearly did a lot of growing from his adolescent years. “Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods?” He asked like it was the most important question in the world. He huffed and ran his hand through his lock. “No..well... things are still uncertain with us.” He took a very long chug of his wine, knowing she was about to ask him the details of his fight with Landon. Cmon Aaron. You can do this.

Eden:

Eden laughed, sitting up a bit more, and pulled her own legs in to sit criss cross as she looked at her — partner? They weren’t labeling it boyfriend and girlfriend, but Eden had no idea what she was supposed to call it if people asked. “Yeah, grocery shopping. One of the worst adult things to do. I hate it.” She said with a laugh. Of course, like anyone, Eden loved the feeling after grocery shopping when her house was full of fresh ingredients, but didn’t like going to the store or unloading it into her pantry. “I’m more of a Trader Joe’s girl. Hope that doesn’t turn you off too much.” She joked, pushing his shoulder lightly. She tilted her head towards him, “Well, what’s going on with the two of you? What was the fight about anyways?” She questioned, as she brought her wine glass to her lips once again.

Aaron:

“I can respect it.” He mused. “I get mine from Whole Foods. I could always have my guys deliver you groceries if you actually hate going grocery shopping.” Aaron loved buying pretty people expensive things. He was the stereotypical wealthy man when it came to that. Aaron took another swig if the wine he poured for himself. It was nearly game already. He would most likely also need to address his budding alcoholism with Eden too, but he knew that that conversation would be far easier than this one he was about to have. Mostly because all of this was entirely his fault. He should have backed off of Roman the minute he found out about his relationship to Jaycee and Landon. He’d hurt them and now he was about to hurt Eden. But he couldn’t not tell her. She’d find out anyway, and he was done keeping secrets from people like a coward. He drank from the wine glass again, this time finishing the drink completely. “Well, you remember that other person I told you I liked? It’s Landon’s ex. Considering landon and I are best friends, it’s been causing some issues between us.” He scratched his head, unsure of what to say next. Even though I told him i was exclusive with you and that I’m not pursuing things with him.” Yes, he just used that pronoun. “So now I’m just really unsure about mine relationship with Landon.”

Eden:

The girl let out a soft laugh, "I don't mind Whole Foods, I just prefer Trader Joes." She admitted. There was nothing wrong with going grocery shopping, but the hassle of doing so was a pain. Of course Eden could probably hire Instacart or some sort of app like that to do it for her, but it hadn't ever crossed her mind to do so. "You get groceries delivered to you? Wow, what a rich boy thing." Eden teased, taking another sip from her wine glass. "But, I might take you up on that offer next time I need groceries." Eden wasn't sure what Aaron had been fighting about his friend with, and she wasn't sure what the next words to come out of Aaron's mouth would be. "Ah, I see. Sounds very much like girl troubles." Eden teased, knowing it was usually girls who got defensive over their exes dating their friends. "Him? This other person is a him?" She didn't know the boy was bisexual, and she didn't have any problems with it, it had just surprised her. She herself had slept with people of the same sex before, but never had developed feelings for them. "So why is Landon making it such a big deal if he knows you aren't persuing it with this guy?"

Aaron:

Aaron nodded, and tried to keep himself from smiling like an idiot. "It is a rich boy thing. Maybe you can take me grocery shopping one day and show me what it's like on the wild side." he joked. "Anytime, just let me know and I'll send my guy." Aaron had a guy for just about everything. That was also a rich boy thing. girl troubles. Aaron had to keep himself from laughing. "Yeah." Aaron nodded. 'Coming out' was something that Aaron never thought he would have to do, even though he knew nobody would care. He didn't believe that people needed to come out of the closet anymore because he didn't believe there needed to be one. It was 2020. Truthfully, the businessman didn't really think twice about falling for Roman; he didn't care. He always knew sexuality was fluid and didn't care to label himself at all. "Yes." he nodded, sternly. "He's a he. And I'm sharing this with you because I wanted to keep whatever this is between us open and honest. I'd hate to have you find out through some third party." he took a deep breathe as his heart hit his stomach. "He's mad because it's more than just liking this man for me. I'm in love with him...and well, he's in love with me. Landon's mad because we didn't step away from it a long time ago..." he reached for the bottle and poured the rest of it in his glass. He was so afraid of what she was going to say.

Eden:

Eden grinned, "I don't know, rich boy. It sounds like you might not be able to handle grocery shopping. It is a lot of work, especially for your rich boy hands." One of the things Eden knew about Aaron was that he had money, and he wasn't afraid to flaunt it. Part of her wanted to see how he'd survive if all of his money was taken away for a day. She was sure he wouldn't make it two hours. It didn't upset Eden that this other person was a guy, honestly, she could care less about what Aaron's sexuality was. She wasn't even sure of her own sexuality, and that was okay. Eden nodded slowly as he spoke. She was glad that he was being honest and open, because if whatever this was they had between them was going to work, it was going to need to be honest and open. The two of them didn't have a healthy relationship past, and if this - not relationship, relationship - was going to work, they needed to be able to tell each other things. "Thank you for being honest." She told him, tilting her head just slightly as he spoke. Suddenly, Eden could feel her blood boil. He said on the roof just days prior, that he had feelings for another person, there was nothing about the forbidden l word mentioned. He - like her - wasn't much for relationships and feelings, or so she thought. But clearly she had been wrong about that. How could he not do feelings, yet become exclusive with her while being in love with someone else. She didn't want to be angry, really. He had warned her on the roof top about things that might happen when she decided to become exclusive with him, and she had made her choice. At this moment in time though, she was afraid she had made the wrong choice. "Love?" She said, barely audible. Her head couldn't wrap around the information that was laid out in front of her. She tried to remain calm, but felt herself squeezing the wine glass in her hand, but she couldn't get herself to stop. She was angry, there was no denying that feeling. "I get why he's pissed off." She muttered. Suddenly, the wine glass in her hand broke to pieces. Had she really been squeezing it that hard? She must have been. Eden had been trying to control her voice, that she had lost control of her hand, and now there were broken pieces of glass and drops of wine on Aaron's bed. A bed that probably cost more than her home. "Shit - I'm sorry." Eden stood up from the bed, ignoring that her hand had been bleeding just a bit from what had just occurred. "So - you're in love with this guy -- but you're exclusive with me? What am I to you?" She questioned as she paced along the bedroom floor, doing everything she could to avoid looking in his direction. "Am I a joke? Because I told you I don't fuck with feelings, and you got me feeling these kind of things, that I don't fucking understand. And now -- now you don't just have feelings for someone else, you're in love with them. I must look like some big fucking joke to you."

Aaron:

Aaron frowned. There really wasn't any bone in his body that thought he deserved to be happy at this point. Part of him wished that Eden would just storm out and tell him to go fuck himself. Maybe slap him across the face. Fuck, he really hoped someone would slap him across the face at this point. He knew the rage was coming, but he wasn't expecting her to break the glass. He jumped up from the bed as he heart skipped a beat when he heard the glass break. Dad mode, like always, kicked in when he noticed her bleeding. "Fuck..." he mumbled, reaching out to her to guide her to the kitchen. Before he could, she really laid into him. Yeah, she deserved to react this way. She had a lot of self-respect and anyone with self-respect would react like this. Eden wasn't a joke to Aaron; in fact he really, really liked her. He knew he fucked up when he didn't tell her the whole truth up on the roof, but the truth was he hadn't even admitted those feelings to himself yet. It had been years since Aaron had felt a romantic attachment to anyone and now he was feeling it for two people. The young man was confused, and he didn't know what to do with all the emotion he was feeling. "I'm sorry..." he muttered, but he was so concerned with the fact that she was bleeding to say anymore. That and he wanted to stall for time to think of something better to say besides a dumb apology. "Can I please take you to the kitchen to clean you up?" He wasn't even concerned about the china, even though the crystal was expensive. Crystal wine glasses could be replaced, and the hurt Aaron knew that Eden was feeling was fast worse than some broke crystal. "Please? We can talk in the kitchen after I clean your hand." he begged, reaching to place his hands on her shoulders and guide her to the kitchen. He hesitated at first to make sure that she would let him touch her.

Eden:

Eden didn't understand what she was feeling in this moment. In fact, she never understood what she was feeling when it came to Aaron. In reality, Eden probably should have decked him in the face and called it a day. But, something stopped her from doing just that. Maybe it was the way she had felt when the two laid in bed together, and talked till they fell asleep. Maybe it was the fancy dinners, but something told her to try and stay calm. It was probably those stupid ass warm fuzzy butterflies in her tummy. But how could someone do that? She had never felt a real romantic attachment to anyone - until she met Aaron. And now his romantic attachment was elsewhere, or so she believed. "I'm sorry? Is that all you can say?" She muttered. The girl brought her hand up to her face to really inspect it, it was bleeding pretty bad, but she wanted to get through this talk. But, she knew worse things would happen if she didn't clean her hand. Eden winced at the feeling of his hand on her shoulder, but sighed. "Fine, but we are not in the slightest bit done talking about this." Eden reminded him as they walked towards the kitchen. She didn't like to show emotion, not this way, but she knew there were tears streaming down her face. She could feel the warm wet splotches, which meant her make-up, the make-up she put on to impress him - was probably marking up her cheeks as they made their way to the kitchen.

Aaron:

The native New Yorker shook his head. He knew this conversation was far from over, and he knew he needed to say more than im sorry. Dad mode was just really taking over. “I have more to say, i promise. We can talk. I just.... your hands.” He looked down at her hand that was now bleeding pretty badly at this point. He’d normally be dealing with a screaming 5 year old, so he knew he could handle this. He brought her to the kitchen. And sat her down at the kitchen table, which reminded him...What was with glass being broken in his house lately? He turned to the cabinet to grab the first aid kit. The father rushed back over to her and positioned the chair in front of her. The brunette suddenly noticed her crying. Was she crying because she was hit by him or hurt by the glass? Hell, it was probably a mixture of both at this point. He was the cause of a lot of people’s pain. As he tended to her bleeding hand he looked at her puffy. His heart hurt. He had been the cause of this. Eden was so special to him, and she didn’t deserve to get caught up in this. Eden was the most beautiful and confident woman he had ever met. He loved staying up with her all night, talking with her, and he couldn’t wait for her to meet his daughter. Why had he treated someone so perfect so awfully? He fixed her up within a matter of minutes, knowing exactly what to do. “Now, adult band aid or Frozen bandaid?” He asked, holding up her two options trying to make light of the situation.

Eden:

Eden hated this moment. When she left her house to come over to Aaron's, she had expected the night to go a hell of a lot better. But now she ached, her hand ached, her body ached, even her heart ached. She didn't like what she was feeling, and this was the exact reason she didn't get involved with people. Things never went the right way for Eden, and for once she had felt like something was, only to be destroyed in the matter of days. Her red eyes returned to her hand, which had a lot more red than she had seen in a long time. Normally, if someone got hurt, she would take charge of the situation, she had spent most of her life planning on becoming a doctor, but now, she didn't want to take care of anything, so she was appreciative that Aaron seemed to know what he was doing. When he asked about the band-aid, a small smile broke onto her face. "Frozen, please." She told him, but then pouted again, "Don't make me smile when I'm mad at you."

Aaron:

A sly smile spread across Aaron’s face when she spoke. Maybe there was hope for this after all. He found it a little ironic that he was a businessman fixing up a future doctor’s wounds. He nodded, trying to wipe the smug smile off of his face by biting down on his lip. “There.” He said, placing few Frozen band aids on her hands where the deepest wounds were. “The doctor getting doctor’d.” He mused sitting back in his seat. He looked over at her and noticed her makeup running down her face. She was still so beautiful even with mascara down her face. He gentle took a tissue to pat her eyes. “I’m sorry, Eden. I never meant to hurt you.” He finally said, frowning. “I want to keep things going with us. I like the way this is. I like you.” He tried to smile. “I like the way you don’t give two fucks about what anyone has to say. The way you walk, your tiny voice, how you hold me at night. I could go on. Roman...he just came out of nowhere.” Oh shit. Was this the first time he was actually telling Eden who this other man was? He didn’t actually mean to spit Roman’s name out. It just kind of flew from his lips. He wondered what kind of reaction she would have about that. He assumed they were friends. At least, he knew they knew each other.

Eden:

Eden didn't enjoy the fact that even though she was mad at him, he could still make her smile. "Thanks, doctor." She said, a small smile on her face, but quickly even that faded back to seriousness. Eden wanted all of this information to go away, everything seemed so simple on the rooftop at Throuple. Nothing too complicated, and since that day, all had been smooth sailing. Sure, it hadn't even been a week yet, but Eden enjoyed what they had. She didn't want it to be complicated by this person that Aaron was in love with. She knew her breath was shaky, that he probably felt that as he patted her cheeks dry. She couldn't imagine what she looked like in this moment, probably some wack job that after tonight Aaron would never want to see again. "But that's the problem. You like me. You love him. Those are two very different words, Aaron. What if I was in love with you? Then what would you do? You can't be in love with two different people." She very much knew that you could easily be in love with two people, but she didn't want to admit that. Her cheeks became pink as he spoke about her. She had a list just like that of the things she loved about Aaron. But she wasn't about to go listing them off for him, right now, he didn't deserve that. Her mind then processed Roman's name. "Whoa - hold the phone, you're in love with Roman?!" Eden was filled with sadness. But not so much for herself, but for Roman. She had run into him at Throuple and had told him all about how her and Aaron had become exclusive on the rooftop. How foolish could she be? She didn't have a ton of friends in Kingsboro, but she surely considered Roman as one. Now this, this broke her heart. Roman was fabulous, she knew it, and clearly Aaron did too, if he was in love with him. Eden jumped up out of the chair she had been sitting in and once again returned to a pacing state. "Roman Beckett? There isn't no other Roman I know of. I'm thinking of the right one, yeah?" Her small body desperately wanted to drop to the floor and just cry, curled up in the fetus position. If she was home - home alone, that would be exactly what she would have done. The girl was strong, especially in front of other people, but there was only so much information a girl could take in at once. "I can't believe this." She said, rubbing her head as she paced back and forth. "How did I not know this?" Part of her didn't even realize she was talking out loud, she thought she was talking in her head. "Why would you want to keep this going if you're in love with Roman?" She whispered, feeling the tears starting up once more.

Aaron:

Aaron had really regretted telling Roman those three words. While it felt good to get off this chest, the hurt he had caused other people hadn’t been worth it. Aaron had always been the protective type since his daughter was born. He felt that part of his purpose in life was to keep the people he loved safe. He never wanted to be the person that people needed to be protected from. Aaron very knew that he could definitely be in love with two different people. He wasn’t in love with Eden but he was certainly falling for her, yet his feelings for Roman remind unchanged no matter how hard he tried. It pained Aaron to know that he was the cause of her tears and when he felt her quivering, his heart only aches more. “Morning is going to happen with Roman, Eden.” He could see how upset she was. He wanted to pull her in for a hug, but he wasn’t sure if he was in the place to be holding her. He wasn’t sure if she wanted him, the person causing the tears to hold her. That was a hard question. He did want to be with Roman, but he couldn’t deny his attraction to Eden either. Not to mention, he couldn’t be with Roman. “Roman and I will never be, Eden. It’s not possible. I’m moving on from him.” He didn’t really answer her question. “I like you, Eden and I hate that way I’m making you feel. But I’m not going to pursue anything with Ro. We’re staying friends, but I don’t want to be just friends with you.” He said with pleading eyes.

Eden:

Part of Eden wanted to grab her bag from Aaron's room and storm out, never to see Aaron again. But the other part of her, the bigger part of her, wanted to stay. There was no denying there was a connection between her an Aaron, and even if he was in love with someone else, he had made a commitment to her. He agreed to only see her and to only have sex with her, and she knew that was a big deal. She knew it was a big deal on her end, for her to agree to only have sex with him, but for him to agree to it - while being in love with someone else - was an even bigger deal. She came to a halt in the middle of the room, turning on one foot to loo at Aaron, "You're moving on?" She sighed, bringing her good hand up to her face, wiping away the few tears that were stinging her eyes. "I hate that you're making me feel like this too," She admitted, "I really fucking hate it." Eden let out a shaky breath, walking back over to Aaron, and slipping her hands into his. "You promise you're moving on? Because I can't do this relati---," She caught herself before fully letting out relationship, "I can't do this exclusiveness thing if you aren't. I need to know you're in this one hundred percent." It was hard enough for her to commit to someone, but to be commited to someone like him, this was going to be a roller coaster.

Aaron:

Aaron knew that Eden did not have a good history with her past relationship. And he hated that he was proving her right. Things were way too fucking complicated at this point, which was the whole reason he hated relationships to begin with. “I’m moving on. I really am. Roman has a girlfriend. I’m exclusive with you.” His eyes widened a little bit before she stopped herself from labeling what they were as a relationship and was relieved when she stopped herself. Something he could handle right now was calling Eden is girlfriend. “I’m in this, Eden” He was telling the truth. He had come to terms a while ago that he couldn’t be with Roman, and it was slowly starting to become normal for him. “We can take it really slow. Lord knows, I need to take this slow. But my feelings for haven’t changed at all, Eden. They’re genuine.” Ew, he was getting to mushy but he couldn’t help it.

Eden:

There was reason why Eden hated relationships. They were complicated and messy, never have they been worth it. But Aaron, Aaron was worth it. She would put 110 percent into this exclusiveness, but in return she wanted at least 90 percent back in return. The two were exclusive, but there was no label attaching them, so it was hard to explain it. She kept nodding as he spoke, taking a moment and leaning her head to his forehead for a moment. She let out a quivering breath, “They better be, because — you’re not going to hurt me.” She pulled back from his head once again, “But — if I hear you aren’t moving on— and there is shit going on between you and Roman behind my back. Then this is over. You have one fucking chance, one.” She told him.

Aaron:

Aaron couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Eden was really something special. The fact that she could put up with all his bullshit, but at the same time really assert herself and what she wanted out of Aaron. “I’ll give you my all.” He told her. He wasn’t sure if he believed the words himself, but he really really wanted to. Even though she was completely serious, he couldn’t help but smile. “The fact that you’re giving me a second chance really just proves how much you my like me.” He sing-songed as he grabbed her non-injured hand to kiss her palm. “You’re fucking incredible.” He mused.

Eden:

She wasn’t sure what was going to happen between her Aaron. But she knew if she didn’t peruse this, she would regret it later on. She needed to know what the feelings she had for Aaron were, and if it meant she’d get hurt in the process than so be it. “You better.” She relaxed her shoulders when he kissed her hand. “I know I am incredible. My word of advice to you is don’t fuck it up.” She said, pressing her lips to his for just a moment, “I should go clean up the glass in your bed.” She reminded him, heading back towards the bedroom, “Again, sorry about that.”

Aaron:

If anything, this conversation had left their 'relationship' pretty uncertain. Then again, it wasn't really super certain to begin with anyway. He couldn't help but smile when she told him not to fuck it up. There was the Eden knew he so well. "Just sit. I'll clean up." he said, guiding her to the couch. It was the least he could do. After all, he was the cause of the broken wine glass. "You don't have to be sorry. I'll be right back." he said, sliding down the hallway to clean up the expensive crystal that was all over his floor and bed.

#discord #eden #aden #ft. roman #ft. jaycee #ft. landon

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theswiftarmy · 4 years

Text

#17 – We Go Live In Five Hours!

Scene 17: The Microsoft Theater at L.A. Live - Downtown Los Angeles - Daytime, Interior – Twelve O’clock Noon exact on Sunday November Twenty-Fourth, Twenty-Nineteen.

FINAL DRESS REHERSAL FOR THE AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS

TAYLOR SWIFT, POINT OF VIEW: Watches as the show director for the American Music Awards, Jeffery, tells the show’s stars sitting in audience seats that they must run the entire show from the top as a full dress rehearsal, again.

CHANGE CAMERA SHOT, we ZOOM in on Taylor Swift, slowly, panning from a full shot of the stage.

WRITER: Oh yeah, this is good stuff. I really should start writing this as a screenplay from here on out, so that way after Taylor Swift finds it and reads it, and then sends it over to her friends that made that “Cats” movie—and I am in turn contacted by Taylor herself along with a big time studio in Hollywood to get this masterpiece made into a movie, the screenplay will already be ready! And THEN I can be all like, hey Steven Spielberg, you want in on this? And he’ll be all like… “Cut it, print it, ship it, sell it, baby!” Or whatever snazzy jazzy lingo it is they use out in Hollywood—

EDITOR: Uh, I hate to break it to you, but this is never going to be a movie. Can we talk about this? First off, you’re never going to get all these people to agree to be IN a movie together in real life, what with the bad blood and all. Plus, you do know that’s just not how it works… The process of getting a movie made is so much more complicated than posting awkwardly written fan fiction online for your idol to stumble upon it and fawn all over your wordplay—

WRITER: Just trample on my dreams why don’t you?

EDITOR: I’m just telling it like it is! Dude, I’m not trying to let you down… But that’s not at all how Hollywood works! Plus, I doubt Taylor is ever going to even see this story, she’s REALLY busy these days and you tend to ramble on and on in some sections, you should definitely be a little more concise instead of meandering around making your point, but keep dreaming… Keep telling yourself: “Oh, look, Taylor Swift is going to find some random Tumblr novel about her and sit there reading the ENTIRE thing post by post completely captivated by your every word…” Because THAT’s realistic! Let me let you in on a little secret though, I don’t know how I feel about Taylor, I mean, have you read some of the stuff online about her? The gossip against her… Maybe you’re better off not capturing her attention… She could bad news my friend.

WRITER: Why don’t you go edit something?

EDITOR: Oh, yeah, because that’s a come back. Why don’t you go right something?

WRITER: AH-HA! See… And you call yourself an editor… don’t you mean WRITE something!?

EDITOR: No. I mean what I said, ‘right’ something—right a ship that’s sinking fast—right something that’s going wrong…. Like this story, that’s going nowhere fast.

PRODUCER: Ohhhhhh… Sick burn! Sick. Burn.

WRITER: Just leave me alone and stop crushing my dreams. I know it’s never going to be a movie, I know Taylor is never going to read it—you don’t think I know that? I know that… Just let me at least dream while I write this scene and stop being so mean.

EDITOR: Look at you, Mr. Poetic. Alright… I’m gonna go play some Xbox, call me when you’re done. Come on producer, I’ll let you pick the game. We’ll leave the writer to his “dreams”.

EDITOR AND PRODUCER EXIT STAGE LEFT, THEY LAUGH AS THEY SLAM THE DOOR SHUT, WRITER STARES OUT WINDOW WATCHING SNOW FALL, SAPPY MUSIC PLAYS. ZOOM IN ON WRITER FOR SHORT MONOLOGUE.

WRITER: If only I could make the Editor understand. I just don’t see things the way he does. I don’t see how a girl that makes such wonderful things, could be bad. Look at this story! Isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you think it’s cool and complete? About a girl, a girl who has… Everything. A trove, of treasures untold! How many wonders can her song catalogue hold… Looking at her, well you’d think, sure, she’s got everything! She’s got catchy songs a plenty! She’s got singles and albums galore. You want music videos? SHE’S GOT TWENTY! But who cares, no big deal, she wants more. I want to be where Taylor’s people are… I want to sing and be there dancing! Hanging out with all her, what do you call them? Oh, Swifties. Being a fan of hers is cool and all but I want to do more than just jumping and dancing. I want the cameras rolling along with a catchy musical… What’s that word again? Oh yeah, beat… Up where they talk, up where it’s fun, up where they sing all day in the sun… Swiftie and free… Wish I could be, part of that world. What would I give, if I could make movies with Taylor… What would I pay, to spend a day part of Taylor Swift’s band … Bet you she’s grand and understands and doesn’t reprimand someone’s daughters. Bright young women, Swiftie women, taking a stand! And I’m ready to join with her, ready to go! Ask her a question, and get some answers… What’s her favorite cover song and how long did it take her to, what’s the word… Learn? When’s it my turn, to make a movie about love, a lover for sure, she is she’s a lover in love… As everyone can see… Sigh. Wish I could be, part of that world… Maybe they’re right. Maybe it’s silly to dream. But what if Taylor never dared to follow her own dreams! If she never picked up a guitar or played a single note on the piano. What if she never tried at all, how many Swifties would be Swiftieless! How many lives has she positively impacted with her music, with her kind words, with her retweets and reblogs on Tumblr, with her fan photo hearts, her genuine heart… and all her creative works of art…

WRITER SIGHS. Writer continues tay-ping into the night on the computer keyboard…

“Everyone! We’re going to do it again. Because, right now? I can’t. I just can’t… I can’t even handle it. I can’t even look at it, I can’t even think about it, I can’t even say I can’t about it…”

“Calm down Jeff. Okay? Just breathe. We’re gonna get it right.”

“Carol… It’s just… Everything is mess. We go live at eight! EIGHT! They’re acting like it’s still tech week! WE GO LIVE AT EIGHT!!! And that’s New York time, which means we go live at FIVE here in L.A.”

“It’s okay. You’re stressing yourself too much.” Carol King stood on the stage with the director of the American Music Awards, Jeffery, attempting to reassure him. A stage manager also stood nearby for backup should Carol’s efforts go in vain.

“Those two crack me up.” Selena sat in the audience seat to the left of Taylor.

“Well, it does need to be perfect, Selena.” Taylor reminded her.

“Speak for yourselves, I’m already perfect, did you see me during Tik Tok… NAILED IT. And my new song… Oh HELL to the yeah.” Kesha kicked her feet up and put them on an empty seat just to the left of Selena.

“Watch it!” Selena said turning her head slightly. “I just had my hair done!”

Kesha wiggled her barefoot toes close to Selena Gomez, just inches from the new hair-doo, egging her on, Selena made a grossed out face shifting over in her seat closer to Taylor. Kesha sat up. “WAIT! You guys, I just had an idea!!! I should make a TikTok video, during Tik Tok!” Kesha impulsively yelled her idea immediately up to the stage, “JEFFY! Can I record a TikTok while I perform Tik Tok during my set?!”

“NO KESHA!” He shouted back from the stage.

“Way to ruin my dreams.” She said sulking back into her seat. “It’s my creative expression, I should be able to do whatever I want.” Kesha made a pouty face. She went back to trying to pretend to touch Selena’s hair with her toes.

“Taylor, I know it needs to be perfect, but he’s stressing out so much. KESHA! Stop, that’s soo gross.” She turned around and stuck her tongue out at Kesha. Kesha laughed then let up and moved her feet away. “Ugh… Poor guy. He practically runs this whole thing.” Selena sighed. “I mean yes, there’s a ton of other people behind the scenes, but it all falls on his shoulders.”

“EVERYONE!!! WE GO LIVE IN…” He looked at his watch, “FIVE hours. It’s NOON! The show starts at EIGHT Eastern Standard Time, which means we pull the curtain at FIVE O’CLOCK PACIFIC TIME!”

“We know Jeffery. Just chill out man. Jeffy you’re gonna get your pants in a Jeffy jiffy twisty.” Ozzy yelled in his Ozzy Osbourne voice from his seat as he turned and high fived Post Malone.

“Right on.” Post laughed, and then sipped his beer. “Just take it as it comes and carry on.” He toasted to the stage with his bottle of beer and then clinked glasses with Ozzy.

“Post! It’s only noon. How are you already drinking?” Lizzo said looking over two seats. “Also, did they open the bar yet or what? This girl gotta get her drink on too.”

“Nah, B-Y-O-B, they won’t serve until after the red carpet… You want one?” He opened a cooler with a six-pack of beer.

“Ummm, I’ll wait.”

“Suit yourself.” He reached in and cracked open two more handing one to Ozzy.

“Ozzy! It’s only noon!” Sharon said slapping Ozzy on the hand.

“Sharon… Chill out… It’s non-alcoholic.”

“Oh, well in that case, give me one.”

“Sure thing Sharon…” Post Malone smiled and cracked open another beer handing it to Sharon Osbourne. He pulled out a bag of Trader Joe’s chips and passed the bag around for everyone to take a handful. Life is funny like that, one day you’re eating chips on your own solo, the whole bag to yourself—maybe with some dip, or salsa, or guacamole even, and maybe not—then suddenly the next thing you know, it’s a Post Malone party, you’re sharing the bag of chips together with Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne, and Lizzo.

Taylor turned back from Taylurking the conversation happening several seats away from her between Post Malone, Lizzo, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. Just wait until you try my Fizzy Lifting Lover drinks she thought to herself.

“At least Scooter won’t be here.” Sara said to Taylor in a low voice, leaning over in her seat.

“I know. But, I kind of wanted to roast him in front of everyone, watch him squirm a little. That would have been sooooo amazing!”

“Taylor, no. We talked about this. You need to wait until the time is right. We need to…” She quieted down and looked around. “Well you know.”

“Sara, I know. Okay?” Taylor whispered back.

“Hey Taaaaaay…” Shawn Mendes walked by Taylor and smiled over his shoulder.

Taylor awkwardly covered her mouth, hiding a smile waiting for it to subside, when it finally did, she waved back.

“What was that?” Sara asked noticing Taylor blushing ever so slightly.

“What was what?”

“Umm, between you and Shawn.” Sara pointed over at Shawn now standing beside Camila Cabello.

“Nothing. What?”

“Taylor—Is there something between the two of you? Because if there is, as your attorney, I NEED TO KNOW! YOU NEED TO TELL ME EVERYTHING!” Sara raised her voice—she was almost shouting. Billie Eilish looked up from her phone raising an eyebrow in Taylor and Sara’s direction, then turned her attention back to her phone.

“Whoa, Sara…” Taylor lowered her head sinking into her seat, “You’re making scene.”

“Sorry, I… I don’t know what came over me.” Sara’s voice returned to her normal calm and collected tone.

“It’s okay… It’s… It’s alright.” Taylor pushed her self slightly away from Sara in the seat; she’d never seen Sara act like that before. Almost like Sara was a different person for just a moment. Taylor reached down to check on the masters case and make sure it was still seated next to her, unable to make contact she looked down and noticed Sara had pulled it closer—Taylor pulled it back.

“I just need to know things, okay?” Sara said to Taylor, making direct eye contact. Taylor looked back up at Sara. “To… protect you. That’s all. And to advise you properly…. I care about you okay? I’m not just your lawyer, I’m a loyal Swiftie, and I’m your biggest fan.”

Taylor’s eyes drifted away from Sara and back to Shawn again. “Riiiiight. Okay Sara, yeah, sounds good.” She said distracted, ogling Shawn Mendes. She felt that same dang crooked smile forming on her face. What was that? Why could she not help but smile every time she looked at him, SHE almost felt like a different person—She needed a distraction. Taylor pulled out her phone and texted Joe.

Hey you… Just wanted to say I was thinking of you! Inset 50 heart emojis.

She clicked send.

There was a sudden commotion from one of the entranceways to the theater, “Billy Porter is in the house!” Someone yelled.

“Oh my God Billy is here! Sara, hold my phone.” Taylor got up from her seat and ran over to hug him.

Sara looked at the phone in her hand; the screen was unlocked… She began to tap through a few of Taylor’s apps, her social media accounts folder named ‘My Loves’, which included the Tumblr app, Twitter, Instagram, and various other ways to connect with Taylor’s fan base, her Swifties—The pulse of the Swifties’ synchronized heartbeats in one tiny little device, she felt a wave of power rush over her, one Tumblr post, one Tweet, an Instagram photo, all of it connected to millions of Swifties, around the world, an army ready to act on Taylor’s behalf at moment’s notice.

As Taylor returned to her seat, Sara placed the phone back on her lap pretending to have never looked at it, she handed the phone back to Taylor with a reassuring smile.

“HELLO!!! ARE WE GOING TO DO A SHOW OR NOT? You still have to go home, freshen up, red carpet, photos, AND WE HAVE NOT EVEN STARTED THE DRESS REHERSAL… Am I the only one who cares about this?”

“Jeff, they care, okay? It’s just that we’ve run through it 73 times. The show is already good.”

“Good is no good, you should know that CAROL!”

Carol rolled her eyes.

“Okay everyone, everyone, let’s take it from top! Places… PLACES!!!!” He paused. “Oh, Taylor, I have a note here that you had a change request to add a backing track during your performance of Lover?”

“Yes, that’s right.” She yelled back to the stage gleefully.

“Okay, well, make sure you get that track to the sound team as soon as we finish rehearsal!”

“Oh, I will.” Taylor’s eyes flashed Teen Wolf RED for the second time today.

@taylorswift

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understandingthevoices · 4 years

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~ wrote a thing about identifying narcissistic abuse in the brown girl group i’m a part of since so many brown boys are narcs lmao and it was so well-received that I thought i would share here too ~

Recently a few people asked me how I became aware of my ex's personality disorder and how I started my healing process w/o a therapist (though if I had seen someone, perhaps this would have been faster)...

It's a LONG one but hopefully informative!!

So we had been on and off for years since college - with me realizing flaws he had and him making it up to me until the next one hit and so on and so forth (and I thought, yay! change! this can work***) - but then it came to a point where I told him enough was enough and we deserved to find people who made us happy and maybe we could revisit "us" in the future. But he cried and told me he couldn't lose me and wanted to actually try the "love" thing out... So, I allowed myself to believe he was for real -- and (somewhat) let down my emotional guards that I had held for self-preservation. Things seemed to be going okay - we would send each other hearts, talk about our future house, kids, etc and everything was fine and dandy, and I thought I was "happy" or "happy enough" - after all, I had the guy right? What more could I want?

But then, let me take you to a Friday afternoon at Trader Joes's, where I was grabbing my groceries and suddenly noticed something: along with her groceries, every woman was walking out with flowers, which I imagined was because of a scheduled date night. it seems so silly now, but at that moment, I broke down into tears because I realized I wanted that too - and if I continued in my old patterns only because it (he) was familiar and all I had known, I would never get that.

He would tell me about our beautiful future life together but wouldn't even take a 4 hour train to visit me.

Basically, He could talk a big talk, he could weave stories about anything to make me believe in us (and he was a MASTER storyteller and had a vivid imagination), but he couldn't walk the walk. Or rather, he didn't care to walk the walk. And if I brought these things up, he would belittle me or say he was busy, essentially reframing my needs as unimportant and not worthy of consideration. But then he would cover it up by saying our kids would be beautiful and smart, he would leave NYC to be in Boston for me, etc - and it was so easy to get sucked in, so tempting to believe this was only temporary.....

But then I would have insomniac nights, where I was filled with anxiety/sadness because I knew I wasn't happy - and the breakdown in Trader Joe's confirmed that

And he had already conditioned me into understanding that if I talked to him about these feelings, he would invalidate, ignore, and eventually bring them up later as ammunition (a favorite of his was “did you forget, we’re not a couple”, which was so hurtful and confusing af lmao)

Up until that point, I had maintained he was just "emotionally unavailable" or "commitmentphobic" and if he saw I wasn't going to nag him or push him into marriage, etc - he would realize it wasn't so scary and we could finally build a life together! It felt like we were moving in that direction, finally. But then every so often, I would have moments where the reality became a little too clear and there was little I could do to stop myself from breaking down.

And it was at my wit's end during these nights that I googled things like "why is he so emotionally distant" and stumbled upon a trove of gold Quora questions/answers - and once I discovered Quora, I went HAM.

Questions like...

"why does he try to make me jealous"

"why does he get mad when he sees me with other guys"

"why won't he commit"

"why won't he let me meet his friends"

"why does he not let me go" / "why does he keep holding on to me"

"why does he say he cares but not visit"

... And throughout all of this searching, one of the answers inevitably mentioned emotional abuse (and often narcissistic abuse) - and while I didn't initially think my situation was abusive, because it seemed like such a strong term, I was so desperate for answers and it came up so often that I said fcuk it, let's see what this is about.

So I googled "emotional abuse" and "narcissistic abuse" and read the stories of survivors, many of which echoed mine. I was shocked that these people had dated what seemed to be clones of my own ex. Many of them mentioned kids/divorce/etc and how they wish they had realized the signs sooner instead of wasting so many years with an emotional vampire, who would initially seem like your soulmate, ingratiate himself to you, praise you and put you on a pedestal, only to suck the life out of you through devaluing mechanisms and never listening to your needs, and discard you later (or stay until you stop giving them chances) - and then play the same game with the next victim, leaving a trail of broken people. They posted about the fake personalities, the emotional highs and lows, how he would leave and come back months/years later as if nothing had changed, etc - and things finally started making sense.

I had noticed many of these things - but without the awareness of narcissism - didn't know what to make of it. For example, when we were on our off-periods and he was out chasing Muslim girls, he (someone I had known as a frat fcukboy who would crush 20 beers in a night) became the sober, praying virtue-driven man. When he was out chasing someone else, he pretended to love Rupi Kaur poetry - even though we made fun of it together (no offense). I often felt like he seemed so ~different~ during these periods - and would call him out on it, but he would always deny it. But, looking back, I realize it wasn't just in my head as he wanted me to believe.

Luckily for me, he had grown to like one of these girls and we decided to take a break (later, I would realize he was trying to 'triangulate' me with her, but even back then I wouldn't succumb to his dumb games) -- which gave me much needed time to continue my Quora obsessiveness... and I went down the rabbit hole. Quora led me to narcissistic abuse recovery youtube channels and instagram accounts - which further opened my eyes to the lies I had been fed. It was heartbreaking but I began to realize his version of "love" (if you can even call his self-serving love that) was so different from mine - for him, it was latching onto someone who would validate him, give him the emotional supply he needed, and be there at his beck and call -- which I was happy to do if it was reciprocal, but of course it wasn't lol. It was completely one-sided and I let it happen because for me, the love I felt was genuine - not fabricated - and I thought that's what you do when you're in love (and it's what I saw growing up in my parent's relationship). I didn't want to believe it but the answer was clear as day - I had been conned into a fake relationship by someone who didn't have the capacity to love someone, and could only use them.

At this point, I realized ~5 years of on-and-off narcissistic abuse (and more than 2 decades of observing my parents' toxic marriage) would take a long time for me to heal from, but if I wanted to have any chance at a truly happy, healthy relationship (which I so earnestly did), I had to let him go. So I dived headfirst - watched at least 1-2 hours worth of videos every day, cried about the disrespect I had put up with, wrote pages and pages of text, etc - and became entrenched in this mode of self-improvement and inner child-finding. And I put them on my tumblr, so he would see them (I knew he was still checking up on me).

So when he inevitably came back because the girl he was chasing "was not who I thought she was" and wanted to be with me because I was so "perfect, knew him better than he knew himself, and so smart", I had the emotional wherewithal to tell him I didn't want this anymore -- and the little bits of changes he would make to attempt to gratify me - I could see through them and they were no longer enough. I think it was a last ditch attempt on his side - my tumblr posts made it obvious I was leveling up and wanted nothing more to do with him.

He was upset and told me he was talking to this girl on a dating app - but she was boring and a downgrade from me - and I just said, "cool". He then told me if I didn't want to try again, he would have no choice but to date her and see where it goes. And at that point, I just wanted him to leave me alone, as I knew anything with him would be a dead end. And I was TIRED. So to his surprise, I said go for it - and blocked him from everything and everywhere. I felt an immediate sense of relief, as I knew the nightmare was finally over and he was someone else's problem now. Of course, just like anyone else, I have my ups and downs too - but I'm definitely much better off.

Now? I haven't heard from him in over 2 years. I don't think I will - I told our mutual friends all about his deceit, post about it on my twitter, and make sure everyone knows how phony he is - and I think he realizes the ruse is over. I have found him out, and he knows he should stay away unless he wants me to expose him even more. I can hit him where it hurts and he is terrified - exactly where I like boys to be ;)

Anyways, last I heard, he's engaged to that girl he said was a downgrade (which isn't that surprising - since I gave him a narcissistic injury by leaving he knew he had to lock down the next one or she would leave too) - which is quite sad. I pray she sees the light before he takes too much away from her.

Hope it clears up things -- as always, feel free to PM me. More than happy to help anyone, especially if it means saving one of you from a toxic monster <3

***This is one of the subtle points that makes narcissists so difficult to identify: usually, when someone changes for you, it's because they like you and don't want to hurt you - compromise! that's what you do when you're in love, right? However, for a narcissist, it's not "love" - it's him realizing that if he wants to keep you trapped in his web of deceit, he needs to change - and this is true for both the beginning of the relationships and the whole duration. They don't have any integrity so they will change into whoever you want them to be, if it means you'll be attracted to them -- they are so good at reading you, figuring you out, and identifying your deepest desires/wants that they can transform into your idea of a perfect partner -- and they DO, but it's only a set up to manipulate you later. It's addicting to meet who you easily consider your "soulmate"... but in the end, you realize it was too good to be true.

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bde2-big-dumbass-energy · 5 years

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I don’t know if y’all remember bc I don’t know if I ever actually told you, but a while back I impulse bought 2 plants at Trader Joe’s on sale, and then I got drunk on my birthday and names them Jenny and Janine. I have been very worried about both Jenny and Jeannine for weeks now bc I rlly thought I was killing both of them😢

Jeannine is a fancy succulent who’s got some round leaves and some frilly ones, but I can’t figure out what her like plant name is. And people keep telling me that Jenny has a name that I really don’t appreciate bc I feel icky when I hear it - high key? I think it’s probably antisemitic. But I’ve googled her and I’m also allowed to call her a Purple Heart (not bad, but a little too “lost a leg in the war” for my tastes) spiderwort (hate that) or her science name is Tradescantia Zebrina (intimidated by that). So we’ll stick with Jenny Plant for now.

But anyways!!! I went to water her today and!!! I think she’s reviving herself???? My girl is still kicking!!!! There are even some new leaves and stuff! I had to prune quite a few dead leaves off her, but Jenny is doing the damn thing!!!Jeannine on the other hand shows no signs of new growth, but I also had to prune a good few dead leaves off of her 😢😢😢 - almost her whole bottom layer of leaves was just sad and a little shrivelly.

Care tips and clues as to what is normal for Jenny and Jeannine would be much appreciated if any of you know what’s up as yr girl: the gardener, (me), is struggling and there seems to be a lot of conflicting information about what Jenny Plants in particular actually want. A bunch of websites say I should be watering her every day and a bunch more say I should only water her when the top layer of soil needs more moisture and that more frequent watering could make her moldy and sad. I rlly don’t want to kill my $3 girls.

For context: I love plants but I have historically had challenges as a plant mother. For the last 2 years, I had a lil cactus I bought from the garden section at Lowe’s and I watered him once a week every week for 2 whole years and he never even grew a little bit. He never died even a little bit either. I had begun to wonder whether Lowe’s had put a fake cactus into real dirt and just sold it to me, a real live genuine dummy in the wild, to love and care for while constantly having to watch my fear of failure he incarnated in this little green and orange cactus. But my friend told me to de-pot him and check for roots. And this rat bastard!!! I could have forgiven my tiny cactus son, Billiam Patrick if he had been fake. That wouldn’t have been his fault. But he was real!! And he only had ONE (1) root!!!!! One single (1) root!!! That is not enough!!!! So I tried again giving him fertilizer and rotating him and all kinds of stuff for several more months and he still never grew so I checked again and he still had the audacity to never grow any more roots!!!!! Which I thought was very rude considering how hard I was trying to make him healthy.

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gays4neptune · 5 years

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DEH Toronto!

I got the amazing privilege to go and see the Toronto production of Dear Evan Hansen on April 4th!! So here are some notes that I took during intermission and after the fact!

Act One

* Opening monologue was funny as hell

* Heidi and Cynthia were so amazing during DAHAM!!! Their harmonies had me dead

* Alessandro Costantini is great, a lot different than Will Rolands Jared! A lot more rambly with more hand gestures

* High notes!! During WTAW!! OH LAWD

* Idk if this was on purpose but Heidi didn’t say Trader Joe’s which I found kinda cool!

* During letter scene Connor looked like he was on the verge of tears

* That boy is hella aggressive

* Alana is so good!! I love her outfits

* Sobbing. Actual tears during For Forever. When the backdrop changed my heart broke

* Sincerely Me was. Incredible

* Connor’s POSES

* “All you gotta d o”

* Robert Markus knows how to FALSETTO

* Requiem was. amazing

* Steph La Rochelle can belt I tell you. BELT

* “You looked really pretty uhhhhhhh it looked pretty cool”

* Pre Disappear scene was great

* Sean Patrick Dolan can Act™ holy shit

* The fucking Connor Project speech

* Holy

* Shit

* He was rambling and then when he messed up he just fell and curled onto himself with his back facing the audience and now I’m WEAK

* The contrast between the choreo in WTAW and YWBF is so good oml

* I was crying real tears during YWBF I’m not joking

* The moment there was a #YouWillBeFound sign in French I went sicko mode

* Larry breaking down made me break down

* He just fell to his knees and hugged Cynthia so tight

* Evan and Zoe’s kiss was so good

* He pulled back and turned away for a bit to take deep breaths and then whOO

*Me, in tears as the lights turn on: fuck

Act 2

* Top of act 2 fight was INTENSE

* Side note the line about Evan not taking his meds anymore still bothers me

*Like girl??? You gonna relapse how do you not know that

* Sincerely Me Reprise was incredible

* Jared’s laugh

* Wow.

* Jared and Connor hugged so tight wowie

* TBIAG was amazing!! Evan Buliung has such power in his voice

* Larry genuinely sounded so sad Ahhh

* *bows* thank you *bows* you’re welcome

* Only Us was so cute

* The pink background!! Adorable!

* Right after that is where it goes downhill

* Jared sounded so excited to invite Evan!!! But then his face just dropped and his shoulders slumped and that shit hurted

* Heidi was a lot more chill during the Murphy house scene

* Pre Good For You fight!!

* Evan sounded so cold near the end as he walked away and my wig flew

* After Jared and Evan’s fight Jared just looked Evan up and down in disgust and glared while he said fuck you to Evan with just. Distain and ran away while saying asshole

* JARED SOLO JARED SOLO

* It made my heart go ouch

* Evan’s solo during Good For You was incredible I was dry heaving

* AH

* Evan sounded so panicky while talking to Connor

* He was pacing the entire stage

* “Did you fall?..Or did you let go”

* Chills. Literal chills

* For Forever Reprise was incredible. Sean Patrick Dolan has my heart I tell you

* WORDS FAIL

* Not a single fucking dry eye

* It was a fever dream

* The way Evan flinched back when Heidi tried to touch him

* So Big/So Small hurt so much

* Evan just catapulting Into Heidi made me want to SCREAM

* Finale was so beautiful

* The background made my eyes hurt at first tho

* The closing monologue got me good sis

* As everyone walked out I was dry heaving so much

* The spacing and how Connor was off to the side was uwus

* Jared was looking up at the sky the whole time

* Fuck

* It was too much

Stagedoor

* Toronto Stagedoor in nothing like nyc

* Literally it was just me, my sister and my two friends

* We were the only ones

* And it was amazing

* EVERYONE came out!!

* They were all so nice

* I told Robert that this show inspired me to start doing theatre and he looked so flattered

* It’s been confirmed every single actor that has played Connor does not know how to dress

* Sean please

* I was vibrating the entire time

* And since no one else was there we were able to just!! Talk with them

Moral of the story: if you have the chance PLEASE go see it

#dear evan hansen musical #dear evan hansen #deh musical #deh #deh toronto #evan hansen #heidi hansen #connor murphy #alana beck #zoe murphy #larry murphy #jared kleinman #cynthia murphy #wow #theatre is an experience

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liesonthefloordramatically · 5 years

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A 2018 recap post, heck yeah.

Good stuff that happened this year:

I continue to have the coolest and best friends and roommates in the entire universe. I know I endlessly talk about how great they are and how much I love them, but like...genuinely would not have survived the past couple of years without them. They’re quality humans.

I love teaching so, so much, and I’m proud of all these kids.

Survived Japan. And now I’m not there anymore.

Made a truly obscene number of new recipes.

Joined a writing group for the first time since 2014. It’s Very Good even if I’m Very Shy because everybody is cooler than me and also because deep down in my heart I’m a deeply shy person who has just learned how to pretend she isn’t.

Okay, this already got mentioned in the first bullet point, but Group Chat gets its own shoutout for being the people who managed to keep me somewhat in one piece for the whole year. Y’all. If the universe ever aligns so that we’re all in the same place at the same time again, our power will be unparalleled.

Stuff I made this year:

Blogging: I wrote a whopping three posts this year. The most popular was Coming out in ten vignettes. My favorite was Asexuality as a hard limit. I also finally wrote that danged post on queer futurity instead of just making weird memes about it. Wow, that’s all three posts I wrote. Amazing.

Fiction: god, y’all know what I’m gonna say here: linear time is fake; you can only trust your fists. Genuinely, unironically one of my favorite things I’ve ever written. Honorable mention to Object Permanence. I wrote a lot this year! Over 30k, or so AO3 tells me (and that’s not counting stuff I’ve written but haven’t posted yet).

Playlists: Continued to make A Lot of these. Favorites: you, me, and the whole of Napoli (a Bruabba playlist), the space made strange between us (a playlist for That Uncomfortable Feel), Can’t you just let me call it a - (a playlist for when you’ve got some Feelings and you’re sort of overwhelmed about it), Keep On Loving You (a playlist for 「Keep On Loving You」), Learn to Let Go (a playlist for getting out, letting go, and getting better).

LARP: Revised superqueeroes! We’re running it next year!

Powerpoint presentations: I think I made something like 7 PPTs about JJBA this year; I’m not going to check because I don’t need that particular shame quantified. Anyway, please check out this PPT on why JJL is 3/11 literature.

Other stuff: Presented at some conferences! Taught some kids! Taught some colleagues how to teach some kids! Survived doing ace activism in a non-native language! Did live interpretation for the first time! Finally put all my queer futurity memes in their own tag! Continued to subject all of you to my weird mumblings about obscure nonsense!

Media I enjoyed this year:

Books (fiction): Young Wizards was the winner this year, specifically Wizards at War and The Wizard’s Dilemma (both made me cry). Honorable mention to Bitfrost (trauma and chronic illness: the mood). I haven’t read any novels since I got back from Japan; I should fix that over break, maybe.

Manga/comics: I think the only thing I read this year was JJBA.

Fanfic: Gosh, I read a lot this year. Favorites I read for the first time this year in no particular order: Cinderwings (Supernatural; I don’t even go here but Ben’s worldbuilding is incredible and it’s entirely readable with no knowledge of canon), no time for fairy tales (JJBA: DIU; probably my favorite character study of Yukako ever holy frick), queen of swords (JJBA: BT; the Lisa Lisa character study that will make you want to punch the moon from how good it is), House of Four Doors (JJBA: VA; two mentally ill people trying to figure each other out! facts about anchovy fishing! lovely slow burn!), Timely Matters (NWM; this is just an excuse to get you to read Babs’s fic because it’s Very Good and made me feel at least five (5) discrete emotions), fearless flyer (JJBA: SDC; every time I walk into Trader Joe’s I immediately think of this fic and if that isn’t a testament to its enduring legacy I don’t know what else to tell you), the sun is the same (in a relative way) (JJBA: post-SDC; have you ever had a mood about friendships between traumatized people and then wanted to read a fic about it because BOY ARE YOU IN LUCK). Technically a Twine game but The Shortest Route was a Detour (JJBA: SBR) was also very good and I’ve thought about it a lot.

Films: Watched a surprising number, in part because I was in Japan and just kept going to the movies alone? Winner for this year is Spider-man: Into the Spider-verse, which I cried through a solid 30 minutes of for absolutely no reason other than who I am as a person. Also liked Black Panther and Deadpool 2 a lot. (Dis?)honorable mention to The Wound, which I have thought about a truly ridiculous amount because it upset me deeply and viscerally (it’s the antithesis of queer futurity). It’s a good movie but I can’t recommend it unless you deeply enjoy being bummed out and then dwelling on how bummed out you were for months afterwards.

TV: The only things I watched this year were JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Revolutionary Girl Utena (finally finished! only took like 2 years!), and A Series of Unfortunate Events. All of which I liked! So!

Podcasts: I listened to A LOT because I was alone in Tokyo and wanted to like...hear human voices sometimes. The Adventure Zone wins for this year, although The Penumbra Podcast wins for a single arc (“Juno Steel and the Monster’s Reflection” wrecked me in the best possible way).

Music: Spent over 30,000 minutes on Spotify alone this year so *nervous laughter*. Like I said, Tokyo, alone, human voices. (But also I listen to music whenever I’m writing or grading, so.) According to Spotify, my top song of the year was “5 Out of 6” which is not surprising, given that I listened to it like...300+ times in a week while writing a fanfic. Top artist was also Dessa, because Chime is a masterpiece. Other top artists: Mitski (Be the Cowboy, y’all), Sleeping at Last (for like the third year in a row), and CHVRCHES. Bump of Chicken as well, obviously, although they’re still not on Spotify. Leaned into my ridiculous Nagoya idol obsession with BOYS AND MEN (genuinely Chaotic; every time they release a new MV I feel fear in my heart), Team Syachihoko (頑張っとるよね), and MAG!C☆PRINCE (wholesome, androgynous back-flipping).

Misc.: Ripples of Adventure was genuinely one of the best and coolest things I did this year. Also enjoyed the frick out of the JoJo escape hotel, even though we didn’t win. (There is photographic evidence that I Emerald Splashed a dude, though.)

and finally…

Not so good stuff that happened this year:

I feel like a lot of my important realizations of the year are of the “people die when they are killed” school of obviousness but: if you’re in pain all the time it’s probably chronic pain and if you’re ill all the time it’s probably chronic illness.

May through August honestly feels like a fever dream. Maybe it was a fever dream. Anyway, somebody made some bad choices that resulted in me having no social network at the exact same time that my knee went out. I coped by being a workaholic.

Oh yeah also my knee went out. So that’s been...cool. If I don’t finish PT with the most ripped legs in the universe, like, why did I even do it.

My mental health has been bad!! All year!! We’re going into year three of me being vaguely depressed but like year one million of my brain not functioning in a reasonable or appropriate manner. (But actually, I’m now at more than ten years of being diagnosable with PTSD. I feel like I should get a cake or something but also that would be Sad.)

Speaking of brain not functioning, migraines. Are a thing. That have been happening. In my brain. Way more than they should.

Basically, it’s bad! I wound up cancelling my travel this winter because it’s been so bad! Which is the right choice but sure has caused some major guilt!

Anyway, in the immortal words of MagiPuri, “あぁため息ばかりじゃLuckyなコト逃げちゃうはずだね,” so I just gotta be my regular 前向きな頑張り屋さん self, I guess!!!

Anyway, あけおめ！！！今年もよろしく！！！！

#Queenie actually says something on this blog #I'd appreciate it if people didn't reblog this; thanks #a wild annual recap appears

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