#i just like giving everyone warrior cat names it makes me fucking happy

[tangledinink]

day nine of cringetober is rarepair, and there is truly nothing rarer or cringier than a canon/oc pairing. so here's gemini!donnie and the stupid cat he ends up with, sorrelshine, who y'all have briefly met before. they're the first person donnie befriends once they're no longer living under big mama's thumb, and they do, in fact, eventually become an item down the line because i'm a fucking sucker for that shit.

(they also eventually have a pair of oopsie babies, and sorrelshine argues SOOO hard to get to give them traditional bakeneko-styled names like their own)

(... an arguement which they eventually win.)

#they look like turtles but they are so cat-coded #lake and marsh #i just like giving everyone warrior cat names it makes me fucking happy #also leo and usagi eventually get together as well and someday also have a kid #but the difference is 1) they do it on purpose 2) they have a singleton #rather than twins like donnie and sorrel do #and donnie gives leo SUCH SHIT for it #absolutely rubs it in his face #“OH JUST ONE? JUST ONE BABY... OH WHAT A SHAME...” #“NOT VERY ON BRAND...” #“BIT OF A COP-OUT DEAR BROTHER I MUST SAY... ONLY ONE....? TSK TSK...” #and leo is like “can u plz just congratulate me like a normal person” #cringetober #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt donnie #rottmnt oc #rottmnt au #gemini au #fidgetwing #tmnt 2018 #tmnt 2k18 #sorrelshine

[silky-silks]

Okay can I talk?

eric belonging to @night-light-artz

Patches @eve-pie

Okay for the image above I was doing a “mock” warrior cat book. I miss the old covers but anyway

I kinda feel my art is…boring. I mean it just feels that way. Sometimes I feel I rush myself to get things done, and to be honest I hate having to rush myself. I look back at my recent post and they just fall FLAT. Flat as in the colors are just boring as heck. Lineart? I don’t really like. Not only that but everything feels so unpolished

My anatomy/details

I hate the fact I miss crucial details of my chat starts or even other people characters. I mean, HAVE YOU SEEN HOW I DONT EVEN ADD SILKY’s ANTLERS 99% of the time? That bothers me. And I see other people add them and I’m just “well damn I’m so lazy I can’t even add antlers on my own fucking character”.

Not to mention the poses. Everything feels so stiff with me. So dang stiff that you may as well call my art wood and use it as a support beam. I hate how I don’t use references for my art. Maybe If I used them more and actually took my time stuff wouldn't look like your average horrific Netflix Original cartoon of some movie.

Backgrounds/minor objects.

Do not get me started. I hate all of them. They look so low effort. I mean, I know I can do better with them! But it seems like I worry about the main characters so much. In fact, I feel the background just falls flat or blends in too much with the characters that it looks. Messy. If I draw a cup, i'll skip over details and it will look awful! Which isnt good, as it shows im lacking severly.

Time

And for time I rush. I feel like I have to literally push things out by day’s end and well…it affects my art. Lately o just been so focus on the hour and time it just makes the art suffer. Even if no one else sees it I do. I love my painted style, but it takes quite some time. And forgive me but I hate just doing sketches to and posting it. I prefer my art to be colored in and all the way. Now im not saying i dont like it when other people sketch. That would be a dick-head move of me.

Some days I fear if I don’t post or read inboxes everyone is going to think I purely abandoned them. I try to focus on my page. but just giving them a sketch at the end well...it makes me feel as if I just dissapointed them. I think to myself and say "I could have done better than that. Why did you even do that in the first place {Name}. "

I have like so much on my agenda and plans and then i realize I can’t do it all in one day. Hell sometimes I just make one day spefically on one subject.

If that day was animation day; I focus on an animatic.

If a certain day is art day and I want to set up my commission page (which is so messy I deleted it) then that’s the settled day. But I feel like I’m going so slow. It's like I am running out of time, and time is just passing by as I look at my clock.

And I'm not blaming anyone it's just my stupid head that makes me feel this way. I know no one is trying to rush me. But head is like "Oh but what if- and why not-". It bothers me. It clouds my vision and i don't realize in reality...no one is saying the things my brain is saying. Sometimes I feel like I'm bothering people when i draw their charcaters so much and tag them. I fear they just say 'Aw great it's this one person again."Sometimes I feel I need to be MORE original. And some days i feel i just need to give up entirely. Some days I think posting everyday will aggervate folks. Sometimes I envy the attention of others, and when I see what they gain or what following I have i look back at myself and say "Well maybe if you did this better than MAYBE you people will be interested in ya". And damn do i slam my head in a wall. Everyone just seems so happy, and yet here I am fretting over if this fucking dog I drew looks remotely interesting. And I just feel it...blends in. Like what is there so special about my art?

MY BLOG

And for this blog, I don't know if I truly have an identity for myself. There's Silky, there is Minty and Syrup, there is Simon and there is Shrimpy. But who do they belong to? What roles do they even serve in this blog? I want them to be my identity. I don't want them being just some sort of character leech. They lack story, they lack purpose, they are thrown in tropes and gag. But what do they relate to? Nothing. Nothing at all. And yeah yeah I know im thinking to DEEP into this. But it's been on my mind so much. And hell call me crazy for talking about them if they are real, but they mean a lot to me. A LOT.

So I tried to make my art interesting here like, i tried referencing images space. I tried adding more anatomy to Snowy since I am tired of doing the usual standing up pose. I even wanted to make the background feel more detailed. I feel a bit better, but I still fear everything is too...eh...bland. Maybe it is just me.

Sorry for the ungodly word of text. I know I shouldn't vent here.

#vent post #artist on tumblr #super mario galaxy #eric velseb #patches bashful #silky silksong #welcome home #mario

[gingersp1ce547]

ok it’s jojoever i have brainrot now i need to assign stands to every qsmp eggs

ramon : Killer Queen - bombs + cat what more do i need to say

Chayanne : Pearl Jam - Just making extremely good food

Tallulah : Hermit Purple - Thorns design that reminds of Rose

Leo : Purple Haze - Color matches + rabid dog vibes

Sunny : Emerald green - using jewels to fight is perfect for her

Empanada : Paisley Park - don’t have an explanation, em just gives me yasuho vibes

Pepito : Bohemian Rhapsody - go make spider-man real king

Dapper : Gold experience - gruesomely killing your enemies with your knowledge of living creatures is such a dapper thing

Pomme : Sex Pistols - go my little sniper queen

Richas : Heaven’s door - Perfect for an artist with a taste for fofoca

Dude i saw the word sex pistols in the context of stands my brain went “part 5? PART 5!” Like a dog hearing its name being called so im more than happy to brain rot with you bout all of this!

-killer queen is so perfect for ramon. If he had it during the election arc, fit would have to have stopped him form making foolish a speck of ash on the floor after he arrested tazercraft

-chays fits so well from a symbolic, “stands are a reflection of ones soul” perspective too. Like even though he’s a warrior, at heart he the main thing he cares about is taking care of his family though both physical protection and just general wellbeing. Such a good pick for him

-Hermit purple is such a good pick with tallulah. Im imagining phil sighing as he pulls out another camera for her to destroy before they eventually start having super cheap ones on hand for that exact purpose

-Listen i see purple haze for leo, i get it i can see the vision. But my fugo loving brain refuses to let go of what purple haze means for him as a stand symbolically and wants to give it to q!cellbit EVEN THOUGH WERE ONLY TALKING ABOUT THE EGGS.

Anyways in context of only assigning stands to the eggs 100% i think she should get out purple haze, but if were talking about everyone i also think born this way would be a really good fit for her and i cant quite explain why outside of the vibes just mathcing in my head

-sunny would so be besties with emerald green. Like tubbo would have to not only give sunny stuff but also it. I can totally see her giving it a nickname and its own room and stuff

-Your so right about empanda having yasuho vibes. Something about the crypticness of the power of paisley park coupled with all the shit both the characters have been though mashes really well together

- Bohemian rhapsody is so fucking funny for pepito. Especially because like idk if youve ever read any jojo’s fanfics but theirs this really good one called chimera were long story short the ascended version of dio from eyes over heaven goes to another universe and just fucks with the dio their by basically forcing him on a part jumping self-betterment arc? Anyways during it the author had the reason ungalo’s life became so shit was because he accidentally used his stand to make the story of holes come true with him acting as the main character and now every tine i think about that stand i cant not think of that.

But anyways him and roier would abuse the fuck out of his stand and it would in fact be hilarious

-As a giorno lover, dapper is so giorno coded. He would be so fucking unstoppable with that stand even without it being its requiem version. I can so see him using it to fuck with his dad for funnsies too.

-Pomme would be so sweet to the pistols too, she would make sure they get the best treats. I think at first she would struggle with keeping them in line but with etoiles help she would be the perfect balance of stern and sweet.

-richas with heavens door would be the absolute worst. Like the biggest menace ever. He would use it on his parents to make it so they could never give him a bath again and then they would have to find a work around for what doesnt count as bath but still technically got him clean until their able to convince him to reverse it.

#qsmp #gingersp1ce547 #jo-qsmp-jo #<- the tag i have decided for all of these posts #pommunist tag

[kittensartswriting]

15 Questions Tag

Thank you for tagging me @andromeda-grace!

I'll tag @dotr-rose-love @kainablue @rustywritessometimes @mariahwritesstuff @oh-no-another-idea @faelanvance @aquadestinyswriting @westywrites

So this is that one originally personal tag game, but people started answering it as their characters. I couldn't decide which of my MCs from BCC I'd answer this with, so I thought it might be fun to imagine them all being interviewed together. This is not a realistic scenario because during the first book they are all separated (and I answered this as if they're about 1/3 to the first book, where I'm roughly at writing wise), but it was still fun to imagine :D

1. Are you named after anyone?

Faerathos: "I can go first. Oldest sons in our house have been named Faerathos for a long time. In ancient times the name was Faerían, Faerathos being Angusianized version. Our father wasn't the eldest brother, his brother, the previous Faerathos, died before we were born so in a way I was mostly named after him."

Cassia: "My name also runs in the family, given to oldest daughters. Our aunt, from father's side, was also a Cassia."

Valeri: "My name is from our mother's family. I think her uncle was a Valeri?"

Fiolev: "I named myself after my cat." *everyone turns to him in disbelief including Valeri who thought he knew the story behind the name* "Well, that's the truth! There was some ancient legendary Cerfí warrior named Fiolev and I remembered Valeri telling me the name meant a white mountain cat. So when I had to give myself a name, I had just befriended this homeless white kitten and I named myself basically white cat. Though mountain cats are a tiny bit bigger than my cat."

2. When was the last time you cried?

Cassia: "When I was 19."

Valeri: "7 years ago? I don't believe that."

Cassia: "I'm sorry, if that makes you feel bad that you cry all the time, but I have done the work to destroy my ability to express emotions, so I can't cry anymore, even if I wanted to."

Valeri: "I don't cry all the time."

Cassia: "Well, tell us then the last time you cried?"

Valeri: "... Last week."

Faerathos: "I think I last cried three weeks ago during my monthly mental breakdown."

Fiolev: "My memory is pretty bad, so I'm not fully sure, but I think it was month ago, when Valeri left to his mission."

Valeri: "I'm sorry..."

3. Do you have any kids?

Cassia: "No and I mean to keep it that way."

Valeri: "No, but I'd like to have one day, if ever my life stops being a constant battle for survival."

Fiolev: "Yeah, no, that sounds like a nightmare. But I want Valeri to have so I can be the cool uncle who teaches them all the bad words."

*After a silence everyone turns to Faerathos.*

Faerathos: "Can I go with I'm not sure? Probably not?"

Valeri: "What the fuck does that mean?"

Faerathos: "There is a non-zero change that the empress is not in fact pregnant with a legitimate imperial heir, but my child so... We don't have to get too deep into that."

Cassia: "It was literally this type of scenario our whole clan got murdered over!"

Faerathos: "... I'm sorry?"

4. Do you use sarcasm?

Fiolev: "I'm fluent in it yes."

Cassia: "Do I look like the type of person, who would do something like that? she said sarcastically."

Faerathos: "Sure, sometimes when annoyed."

Valeri: "I'm not very good with words, but contrary to the popular belief I have a sense of humor too, so occasionally yes."

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

Faerathos: "The way they dress. It's pretty noticeable from far away."

Cassia: "The way people move and hold themselves."

Valeri: "I agree with Cassia."

Fiolew: "I will answer truthfully only, if everyone promises to have no follow up questions." *looks at the others till they all nod* "I first notice where people are holding their money."

6. What's your eye color?

Fiolev: "Gray."

Faerathos: "Also gray."

Valeri: "Light blue."

Cassia: "Even lighter blue."

7. Scary movies stories or happy endings?

Fiolev: "I love scary stories."

Cassia: "I agree. The more gruesome the better."

Faerathos: "I'm not that interested in scary stories, but happy endings do often ring hollow to me, so I think I'll choose scary stories."

Valeri: "I'm the only one who prefers happy endings?"

8. Any special talents?

Cassia: "I'm quite good at singing really low notes. I can do acrobatics and my specialty is sword dance where I balance with three swords. I'm also very good at disguising myself with transformation magic as people I have killed by using their skin and bones."

Faerathos: "Well that escalated. Maybe we'll just breeze past that? I don't have a lot of special talents. I guess I'm good at math, but that's not very special. Though I can research at the library for hours without breaks if that counts?"

Fiolev: "I'm very good at taking... let's say objects from other people's pockets without them noticing. I'm also quite good at... let's say convincing people of not exactly true things. I also do an excellent impression of a very naive and impressionable noble girl in distress. A totally innocent skill that could have no implications of criminal behavior."

Cassia: "We all believe you, love."

Valeri: "I don't have any very special talents. I'm pretty good at disarming people, shooting and parrying on horseback, surviving in wilderness and I guess taking a beating."

9. Where were you born?

Faerathos: "We were all born in Abhlean, the capital of Cabalusia, in literally the same room."

10. What are your hobbies?

Faerathos: "Playing piano, reading, gambling and swords-fighting, but that last one I do only because Marcus forces me to."

Cassia: "Opera could be characterized as my third job and not a hobby, so I'll go with... industrial sabotage."

Valeri: "You're not going to elaborate on that, are you?"

Cassia: "Nope."

Valeri: "Okay then. I also play piano and I play violin, both of which I'm pretty rusty at."

Fiolev: "I feed the local homeless animals and take care of them generally."

11. Have you any pets?

Fiolev: "As I mentioned earlier, I have a cat. Her name is Snow, because she's white and I named her when I was five. She's great, though getting elderly."

Valeri: "I have two dogs, Cúén and Faéndie, both Cabalusian bear dogs. They are trained as war dogs, but they are family and I keep them with me at home."

Fearathos: "I don't have a pet."

Cassia: "I have technically a crow. It's not my pet though, it would probably eat me in my sleep if I called it my pet. Yeah... it's not really a crow. It's name is Fianne. I have an actual animal companion too, my little baby saber-tooth snow leopard, Ciri. She's not actually little."

12. What sports do you play/have played?

Faerathos: "Hunting, which I don't get opportunities to do as a hostage in the court, Cabalusian horse-racing, which every Cabalusian noble kid has to do, but I didn't really enjoy, and now I'm still forced to do swords-fighting."

Cassia: "I also did Cabalusian horse-racing, which I did like, and hunting, but I haven't done them as a hobby since, you know, the civil war. I have hunted for survival though."

Valeri: "I also did the same sports before civil war, though I was too young to be taken to the hunts and I did horse polo. I don't play sports anymore, as a cavalry officer I do swords-fighting and horseriding a lot, but for war purposes. And I've hunted for survival."

Fiolev: "I was too young to play any sports before the civil war, and when I grew up we were poor and sports really are a rich people thing. I have played whatever ball games poor kids play on the plazas, but I don't think they count here."

13. How tall are you?

Faerathos: "195 cm."

Fiolev: "175 cm."

Cassia: "186 cm."

Valeri: "What? You're also taller than me?"

Cassia: "How tall are you then?"

Valeri: "185 cm."

Cassia: "Ha!"

14. Favorite subject in school?

Fiolev: "History."

Cassia: "Biology."

Valeri: "It would be either music or history."

Faerathos: "Physics, which is why I'm still studying it. It hits the right spot of 'I'm good at it so I don't get too frustrated' and 'it's hard so it's interesting'."

15. Dream job?

Fiolev: "Hmm I don't know. What profession makes you rich? Probably depends on that. Alternatively I would love to just take care of all the strays in the city, if someone rich would suddenly get a strong desire to pay someone for that."

Faerathos: "I'm pretty happy with my job as a physicist, but even more than that I would want to be a senator. I can't of course because of the whole hostage situation, but I want to be in a position where I can actually change things."

Cassia: "Dream job? I have never thought about that. Before civil war I was a noble girl and nobles don't have jobs, so I didn't dream of having one. And now I have more important things to do than thinking what I'd want to do for a profession. Though I will say, I have always enjoyed opera, and now that I'm actually an opera performer, I do like it, even if it's just an means to an end, like my other professions. So if I have to pick one, that might be it."

Valeri: "I wanted to be a soldier as a child, but I ended up being one in the least desirable way possible. I don't think I'd call it my dream job anymore. I don't know what I'd call my dream job."

#writeblr #tagged #tag game #writing #bcc #valeri #cassia #faerathos #fiolev

[poisonouswritings]

I've just finished reading your last legacy reverse au headcanon and I absolutely love it

Can we have more Sage and Ilephta mc ?

The first meeting them, Sage didn't take them seriously like "so you're saying that you're an expert on fights and magic? Hah nice one, kitten".

MC is obviously pissed like " bitch I fought battles, led armies and killed the fucking Los HIMSELF-" "awww you're so cute when you're angry" so MC flips him over and pins on the floor and Sage is shocked but then goes "Damn mc you can take me down anytime ;)" "Gods you're such a dog" " want me to bark for you? ;)". He tries to take them down but fails every time , he's not complaining though ;)

The more time goes the closer they get and Sage falls more and more in love with them

I feel like Sage will end up like those crazy cat owners who take thousands of photos of their cats and show them to everyone (especially Tulsi)

"This one mc was mushing on a cat toy and this when they were napping next to the window and oh here's another" ".... isn't it the same photo?" " BUT THEY LOOK SO CUTE LOOK AT THEM-". Someone, save Tulsi pls. Definitely set one of them as his home screen.

On the other hand Mc wants to make something to thank him so they give him shiny rocks they found or make him food from a recipe Tulsi gave them from their childhood

Sage sitting on the kitchen table mushing on the food mc made (which tasted exactly like the one he had when he was a child) and MC just stares at him eyes blown dark, their tail doing this happy wiggly thingy while smiling at him. Sage notices that and goes to tease them.

"what got you smiling like that?" "You" "huh?" "You make me happy and I'm so grateful to have you in my life :)" "Uhhh....0///0" Sage's brain. Exe has stopped working.

One day Sage goes to a bar alone. He is late and mc is worried, so they go to the bar to find Sage is cornered in a nearby alley by some thugs and he is hurt and bleeding. One of the thugs pinned on the wall and is ready to punch in a face to find mc catches his hand crushing his wrist and throws him like he weights nothing. Now they're REALLY pissed

"You dared to hurt my beloved" they close their eyes, they smile so dangerously their canines are shining in the dark then open their eyes, they are glowing red "then prepare for the consequences"

They effortlessly destroy all the thugs, blood and screams are filling the place and sage is shocked like what the fuck happened to his cute purring mc??!!

When mc finishes with the thugs, they look at Sage their eyes still glowing red while whipping blood from their cheek (like the scene in chp 12 of Sage's route) and walk over to Sage who's pretty terrified (probably turned on), they kneel to his level, heal him with the astrolabe and carry him bridal style (I mean come he weights nothing to them )

The moon light Illuminating them , eyes glowing in the dark like a cat, they look down on him "let's go home, my love"

Welp congratulations mc you killed your very human boyfriend hopefully Felix still keeps his cult toys, you'll need it to bring your boyfriend from the dead

Babe,, y'know,,, you did most of my job here,,,, and all I can say is you're fucking right with all of it -

100% calls you pet names based on what animal you are (cat-ilephta is kitty, rabbit-ilephta is bunny, dog-ilephta is puppy, fox-ilephta is fluffy, etc etc)

You knock him into his ass and he's just bright red and trying not to have a nosebleed because he's unashamedly turned on

Loves petting you!! And when you purr?? His heart is melting into his boots he is just so in love because you have the badass-ness off a warrior but the adorable appeal of a kitty cat

He makes a group chat just to share cute animal pics/videos of you. Rime (who was added to the group by Felix) has it muted. Tulsi doesn't have it muted but only because some of your pictures make really good reaction memes.

Sage has one of your pics as his wallpaper and you stare at it for a little bit before asking him what it means,, when he says looking at the picture makes him happy,, your tail whips around and you rub your head against his cheek and your ears are tickling his face and he just combusts

He'll be out doing stuff and reach into his pockets and pull out a shiny rock that you slipped in there earlier,,, his eyes are watering up a little,,,,,

You start rubbing up on him,, winding your tail around his arm and tilting your head under his chin and purring so much he feels the vibrations in his chest,,,, he asks you what you're doing and you smile and say you're scent-marking him and he just Ascends™

You make some friends and obviously Sage wants to meet them so you bring him over and you're holding his hand and go 'This is my mate! :3' and Sage is fucking Gone™

You go Corrupted and rescue him! You're big and have glowing eyes and fangs and you're speckled with the blood of your enemies and then you turn to look at Sage and your expression softens just slightly, just enough to say that while you Are A Danger, you aren't a danger to him. The 'you' he knows and loves is still in there, just a lot more protective. And you wipe off the blood and then go over to him and at first he's scared but then you lean your forehead against his and purr and it calms him down,,, and yeah when you pick him up he's just Dead but if you wanna try a little mouth-to-mouth he won't stop you-

Bonus: Some incorrect quotes!

Sage: Don't take this the wrong way but I literally feel like I'm talking to a cupcake

MC: YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF THE POWER I YIELD

Sage: MC... you've been cuddling with me for over an hour now.

MC: *muffled* mm hmmm :3

Sage: Fuck. I should be annoyed but you're adorable.

Felix: If cats knew what sin was they still wouldn't care

MC: I don't care either fuck trigonometry

MC: sitting on and touching warm rocks…….… now that is the good stuff………….

Saaros: Are you a lizard?

Sage: What are you, a cop? Leave them alone and mind your own damn business

Sage: (petting MC) Please cure my depression

MC: (on their back, nuzzling him) Prrbhbphr! •w•

Sage: thanks

#last legacy #fictif last legacy #sage lesath #fictif sage #last legacy sage #sage Lesath x reader #anon asks #ozzy answers #ozzy daydreams

[falcor-thee-luck-dragon]

Dark Shenanigans - Nandor x (f)reader

Summary: It’s Nadja’s something hundredth birthday, with that said, you’re on a mission to make it great.

Warning: fluff, general vampire nonsense

Masterlist

“Yeah being a half vampire half human does have its perks. I mean for one I can do all that cool vampire shit and I can go out in the sunlight...so that helps for when they’re all being really annoying.” You admit with a casual shrug to one of the documentary cameras before turning to an isle of party supplies. “So anyways we’re at this store.”

The camera shifts to the multiple arras of supplies and materials at the local supermarket in Staten Island that you and your vampire lover’s human familiar, Guillermo, currently are. Specifically on the hunt for birthday decorations for Nadja and ghost Nadja who’s possessed a strange looking doll for the time being.

Since the other four actual full vampires can’t shop for themselves at this time of day or really in general, you and Guillermo have been given such an honorable task in making Nadja’s birthday the best one yet. Considering she’s the most well balanced in the head out of the four of them and is the only other lady of the manor.

“Hey Y/N, how’s this look?” Wonders Guillermo as he holds up a bunch of Mardi Gras beads of yellows, purples, and greens. “Comments, questions, concerns?” He adds with a small smile.

Eyeing up the beads, your head shifts over to the other various colors, “Hrmm, G I’m feeling the vibe you’re going for this year and I like it, but let’s go with Nadja colors.”

Guillermo’s dark eyes light up at your positive suggestion, “Right! So the red and black ones then?”

“Yup. She’ll love that shit.” You state with a satisfied nod of approval, “Let’s get some black and gold confetti from over there and oh, those masquerade masks look cool as fuck.”

You pick up and test out various masks in the background as Guillermo adds some bits of dialogue for the documentary crew, “Um yeah she’s really cool isn’t she.” He says with a smile while glancing at you then back to the camera, “Which is kind of odd since Y/N’s been with Nandor since 1793 so you’d think she’d be a little more like them but no, she’s super chill and really nice.” Suddenly his face goes a bit serious as he leans in to whisper, “But she did kill a whole street gang once when they threw a slur at me so I wouldn’t mess with her. For your safety.”

The camera pans back over to an oblivious you who’s put on a masquerade mask and is swinging a plastic light saber around with a whole lot more accuracy and grace then would a normal person. The camera then pans back to Gullimero, “Um, I’m just gonna....make sure she doesn’t smack anyone.”

——

Arms full of groceries of food for you and Gullimero, as well as random party decorations for Nadja’s birthday tomorrow night, you use the bottom of your boot to skillfully open the door as the documentary crew and Guillermo follows suit. Guillermo now on the verge of falling over with the large heart shaped pillow in his arms that’s covering most of his body.

You don’t feel tired in the slightest due to your half vampiric abilities so this is nothing to you, “Alright.” You state, turning on your heel to face the crew and Guillermo, “They’re asleep so we gotta be extra sneaky now, I don’t want Nadja catching us with all this cool spooky birthday shit. Everyone to the attic!” You whisper yell before leading the charge to the attic.

They all follow as quietly and as quickly as they can and then soon enough in no time are you and Guillermo back outside in the sunny garden trying to figure out if you should blow up the giant sea monster pool floaty.

“I mean it would look cool as hell and no doubt out-do whatever the fuck boring thing Lazlo probably has planned.” You quip with a shrug while the two of you stare thoughtfully at the small gloomy dark pond. “He’s got no chance with us. I’ve won best decorator and card maker for two hundred years in a row.”

Guillermo side eyes you in honest amazement, “Wow that’s a lot of years. And cards.”

“I know. I was an artist in the 12th century but my no good terrible good for nothing piece of garbage trash sexist human husband, who I was forced to marry when I was only sixteen, took all the credit for my artwork in that era.” You confirm with a growl, “But it stings less because once I finally grew into my powers and strength at eighteen I simply made his untimely demise look like an accident.” You add with a smirk.

“Oh, wow.” Mutters the intrigued familiar.

“Precisely. The old fool was thrown off his horse because I told Philip, the horse, to throw him off. And he did. Which killed the idiot so I got the house and all of his money.”

“That’s......neat.” Mutters Guillermo as he shoots the camera crew from behind you and him a nervous look. “Uh the suns going down so I should probably help Nandor out of his coffin.”

Raising your head to the sky you immediately see how the sun has begun to paint the clouds in beautiful colors of oranges, reds, light pinks, and darkening purples. “Oh, how bout that. Yeah alright let’s get inside.” You nod to Guillermo before turning to walk towards the manor’s giant mahogany doors.

——

Turning the handle and walking a couple feet into the large main room that holds itself as a sort of crossroads for all the other various connecting hallways and staircases. You don’t make it even three more steps towards the left ascending staircase before you hear the highly recognizable voice of your one and only.

“Y/N! My lovely wife and favorite person still ever so lovely!” Announces Nandor loudly with a grand smile showing off his pearly white fangs, “How I have missed you and your morning kisses. Where have you been off to?” He wonders softly as you smile a big dumb love-struck grin right back up at him, you’d absolutely die to hear that accent one last time.

“I can’t tell you right now it’s a secret!” You whisper yell back, causing his thick dark brows to scrunch up in confusion.

“But I am your lovely strong puff dragon Y/N.” Whines Nandor adorably as you roll your eyes at the cameras before looking back up at him.

“Fine. Come here then.”

In an instant he’s at your side, excitedly awaiting what secretive news you will tell him, “Okay, so we know it’s Nadja’s birthday tomorrow right?”

“Yes. I remember because she hasn’t shut up about it.”

“Right. So me and Gullimero got some fun surprise birthday party decorations and they’re in the attic and we can’t tell Nadja.”

Nandor gives you a knowing look of affirmation as he leans in closer to you, his demeanor suddenly shifting into a more saddened one, “You went shopping without me?” He says quietly.

Leaning up to give him a quick peck on the cheek your hands instantly find his, “Just for a little while, but I still need to find more stuff so....you wanna come?”

Nandor’s big dark eyes light up with joy as you hand him a kind smile, “Yes! Let us go in search of unknown treasures for our lady friend Nadja so she will not be mad at us for terrible dull gifts of friendship.”

Laughing you give his hands a playful squeeze, “Come on I’ll race you to Party City!” You say before leading him past the camera crew and Guillermo who simply watches the two of you leave, glad to have an hour of peace.

“There’s a whole city for partying? Y/N why have we never been to this place?”

——

“Y/N there are no people partying here.” Whines your vampire lover in puzzlement as he follows you from the entrance to a side isle. “You said this was a city for partying.”

“That’s just the name of the store Nans.” You retort with a small chuckle as he looks from right to left at all the color coded party plates and napkins galore.

“Well the title is very misleading.”

“Agreed.”

Turning to the right you guide him towards the decretory pirate themed isle in search of something that will peak his interest. Also you wanted so badly to make it to this spot but Gullimero was a man on a mission so your intention was thwarted for when you had Nandor with you.

Speed walking down the pirate themed isle you quickly halt all movement as Nandor’s large body stops within less than an inch from your back. Smiling brightly you snatch the desired object in front of you and as swift as a cat turn to face him.

“Have you come for a dual my old enemy?” You speak slyly, eyes narrowed as you hold the foam sword right in front of his face. “I sense a nervousness about you. Tell me, are you ready to face your inevitable bloody end?”

Staring at the pointy foam, his dark puppy eyes shift over to you as an adorable fangy grin breaks out across his pale face, “Seems you have come prepared, oh radiant and alluring seductress. Well, so have I!” Shouts Nandor before grabbing two foam swords from off the rack and swinging them in both hands like a mad man.

Taking a cautious step back you hold your pathetic five dollar sword in both hands like a true warrior ready for battle, “Only one shall leave this place alive.” You affirm with a smirk, “And it’s not going to be you.”

“Arrrrrggg.” Bellows your lover as he charges you like the true conqueror that he once was. But all to soon do you swiftly duck under his arms and swat him over his stomach with a confident thwack sound.

He makes a puny little “oww” as you turn around to face him once again, “Y/N you hit me kind of hard.” He complains, looking rather defeated and genuinely hurt that you could have intentionally injured him on purpose.

Bringing the plastic weapon down to your side once again, your face suddenly softens as you walk over to him, “Come here you big baby.” You quip sincerely as he leans down so you can give his cheek a quick kiss.

Rising back to his full height, Nandor almost blushes as the corners of his eyes crinkle into a happy smile, “Actually it didn’t hurt at all I just wanted you to kiss me.” Reveals the vampire with a proud grin as you simply roll your eyes.

“Should have known.” You add before turning and snatching up four more plastic foam pirate swords for the others. “Alright let’s get outta here, follow me my love, to the checkout line we shall purchase our weapons of war and partying on the high seas.” You announce with gusto as Nandor stands proudly at your side, ready to follow you anywhere.

“Yes. To check out.”

——

Kicking open the unlocked door, Nandor bursts into the vampire residence with bags full of goodies for Nadja’s birthday party. You right behind him but less dramatically, “We’re back!” You shout to no one in particular as Colin Robinson suddenly appears from out of nowhere, looking ready to leave with his funny little hat and usual beige jacket.

“Oh hey guys,” He starts with a friendly nod, “I’m just heading out on the town tonight. I guess there’s a fair or something in the park and I wanted to test my skill at the ball toss. I’ve been reading up on the body mechanics and how the game is set up which seems pretty basic all in all. Also I really want to win a stuffed bear this time, it might add a little pizazz to my room. Welp see ya’round.” Adds Colin before walking past the two of you without another word and out into the night he goes with some of the camera crew following close behind.

Nandor turns to you with a look of annoyance, “Jeesh I thought he would never leave. Let’s go to your room I want to kiss you some more now.”

“Why my room?”

“Because since you are half vampire you get to sleep in a bed and because I am a full vampire I sleep in a coffin.” Inquires Nandor while looking at you with those big beautiful dark eyes of his, “And my coffin is too small for cuddles so your room will suffice.”

“Yeah that’s a fair point.” You shrug before following him to your room.

After many cuddles leading to other more rated R type activities that lasted until just about sunrise, you finally got some well needed rest while the sun shone high in the sky until she began her dramatic descend back into oblivion. Opening your eyes you slowly rise from out of your comfy bed, already missing the presence of your obsidian eyed lover.

He gets too nervous about your closed windows for fear that the sun might burn him which would be impossible because you black out the glass. But alas, he’s very cautious about these types of things and won’t risk it for anything, though he feels bad about leaving you in the morning, you understand.

Suddenly it dawns on you that today or perhaps tonight, is Nadja’s birthday and you completely forgot to set up any decorations. Shit, how stupid. Throwing the blankets off of you, your feet move quick as you speedily change yesterday’s outfit for something a bit nicer and more clean.

Racing out of your room and into the dimly lit manor hallway, you make a bee line for the attic but before you’re able to reach the steps, Guillermo runs into you, just about knocking you into a wall of various stolen ancient weapons. Sharp ones at that.

That was close.

“Y/N are you okay!” Worries the familiar as you quickly gather your bearings.

“Guillermo! The decorations! Nadja’s birthday!” You whisper yell as the human man simply smiles. “Why are you smiling, this situation does not call for smiles.”

“Don’t worry. While you were sleeping I set up all the decorations.” He replies with a shrug, “No problem.”

“What? But that must have taken you all day, you could have asked me for help. I would have come.” Your brows furrow as he shakes his head, though you still feel bad for not helping with anything.

“Well I did try, but um,” Gullimero awkwardly clears his throat, giving the camera a quick glance, “Nandor was with you and last time I asked for you while you and him where having alone time he threatened to carve out my eyeballs and force feed them to me.”

Pinching the bridge of your nose in annoyance you take a deep breath, “Sounds like him. Very creative when he wants to be, alright, well....where’s everyone?”

“Oh, they’re not up yet. I was actually on my way to get you. I made blood popsicles and the pool floaty is all done and in the pond.” He says with a sense of pride for his decorating skills. “I think she’ll like what we’ve come up with this year.”

-

Standing in the living room with your three fellow immortals you search a dresser for her card, “Oh shit where’s my card? I could have sworn I had it yesterday on my dresser but I don’t remember seeing it there in the morning. Maybe it’s in this one?”

“Witches!” Hisses Nadja as you huff in frustration, where the hell did you put that damn card?

“Oh, Y/N my love,” Intervenes Nandor with a gentle tug of your sleeve, “I took it with me when I left your room before sunrise because I wanted to put my name on it too so she would know it’s from us.”

“What?” Replies Lazlo dramatically, “Now hold on just a damn minute, this card competition is individually scored so I won’t be having any of this nonsense. I worked really hard on mine this year.”

“Oh lick a donkey’s arse, look here,” You retort with, quickly holding up the card for Nadja, “there are two separate drawings on ours so either way if one of us wins she gets both our pictures. So you better hope your drawing doesn’t resemble a night clubs bathroom wall.”

“Yeah.” Mutters Nandor, who’s hiding behind you while resting both hands on either one of your shoulders as you glare at Lazlo.

“Fine.” Agrees Lazlo begrudgingly, “And mine will be amazing, this bitch of paper took me a whole six months to plan and produce. Can’t get quality this good anywhere else I guarantee it.” Adds Lazlo with a firm nod of self approval as you glance at the nearby camera.

“Right, okay everyone sit it’s time for presents. I want to know what you all got me.” Beams Nadja excitedly as she smiles a fangy grin in delight, plopping herself down in one of the arm chairs. Lazlo quickly finding the other one while you and Nandor seat yourself on the large couch. Colin and Guillermo finding somewhere to sit close by respectfully.

“Well, all I can say is hold onto your socks my dear cause this is going to blow you away.” Smirks Lazlo as he pulls a small box from out of his jacket pocket.

“If it’s a self made business card that says invitation to sexy town I will puke.” You deadpan while Nandor laughs from beside you, causing Lazlo to lose his smirk as Nadja hides her amusement the best she can manage.

“He he, sexy town, nice one Y/N.” Mutters Nandor with a proud grin as you raise a brow at Lazlo who’s giving you a hard glare.

“Oh, my dear pumpkin pie love, don’t listen to Y/N I will love anything you gift me.” Encourages Nadja with a bright welcoming smile, no doubt immediately boosting Lazlo’s once irked mood.

Rolling your eyes you shift a bit to find yourself leaning into Nandor’s body as Nadja opens up the rest of the vampire residents various gifts. A joyous fangy smile gracing her pale features every single time, revealing this birthday party was a thrilling success.

After much more fun that just about lasts throughout the whole night, and some rare but hilarious attempts at dancing between the five of you vampiric individuals. You’re feeling rather sleepy and you can tell Nandor is ready for a trip to dreamland as well.

Swaying to the lowly playing record instrumental, you hold Nandor tight while simultaneously enjoying the feeling of him so close, him doing just the same as he keeps you firmly pressed against his chest. His long dark hair tickles your face as he presses his head to your cheek, doing his absolute best to keep the flow without tripping up.

Sensing his growing fatigue, you gently squeeze his hand, “My love the sun will be up soon, let’s get you to bed, yes?”

A small lazy smile tugs at the corners of his lips while he looks down to meet your gaze, “But my dark angel I’m not tired. I want to dance with you a little longer.” He whines adorably before failing to conceal a big yawn.

Giggling, you lean back to slowly lead him towards the door, “That yawn says otherwise.”

“That wasn’t a yawn Y/N, I was just smiling really big.” He protests, though he still follows your lead to the door.

“I’ve never seen anyone smile like that.” You add with a raised brow.

“Well maybe that’s just how I smile.”

Letting out a breathy snort, you pull away from him to at last take his one hand, “Come. I can’t have a single ray of that dreaded sun to get a taste of your precious skin. Not on my watch.”

Glancing at the closed front door, Nandor squeezes your hand, “Well um, now since you’ve mentioned the sun...I think I’d like to go to my crypt now.” He says, the flash of worry crossing over his face for only a brief moment.

“You sure? I mean a sunrise is pretty beautiful if I’m being honest and I know you never get to see them...”

“Not funny Y/N. And not fair, you know I can’t because I am full vampire.”

“And you’re missing out.”

“And I’d like to stay alive Y/N.”

“Aren’t you dead?”

“Yes and I am your only husband so I need to stay not burnt to a crisp.”

Chuckling, you follow him down the hallway, “Oh really? Don’t want me finding myself with another vampiric lover? Some new beast to sweep me off my feet and take me away into the night.” You tease.

Side eyeing you, he frowns, “No. Don’t I sweep you off your feet?”

Stepping into his crypt you stop him with your hand against his bicep, “Always.” You whisper sincerely with a quick wink, causing him to break out into a big fangy grin.

“Good. And if anyone would try and whoo you I would make sure there would be no more whooing again!” Exclaims Nandor, making the candles rise in flame for only a short second at his rise in emotion for how much he loves you.

“I don’t doubt they would fall by your blade. Not for a second.”

#nandor the relentless #Nandor x reader #nandor x you #nandor x y/n #what we do in the shadows #what we do in the shadows x reader #vampire fun yeah #love my big huggable vampire #:)

[conaionaru]

Play a game

I am alive! Ever since @youbloodymadgenius​ mentioned me in a post and said that I haven’t been writing that much, I decided to start writing again. So I tried to put together another oneshot and this is what happened. Hope it’s not bad.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"  The pure power in his blue eyes was haunting. He was in control, and the knowledge of it made him untouchable.

(Y/N) could drown in those blue eyes if she dared to look long enough. "I think I finally understand you."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Ubbe chuckled and stood up from his throne, slowly walking to her side. Every stride is like a stab to her confidence. "I wondered why you kept crawling back like a starving dog. But now I know..."

He trailed a finger up her neck, stopping just under her chin and tilting her head up. (Y/N)'s eyes shyly ghosted over his naked torso and admired the view. The look was enough proof to Ubbe. "You are starving."

(Y/N) gulped, her knees aching from the hardwood floor. "I am not."

"Then why do you always return?"

"Loyalty." The answer came easy to her; it was the truth, after all.

But Ubbe didn't look convinced. "You know nothing of loyalty, (Y/N). You betrayed Lagertha's trust for Ivar, and now you came back. I was so sure you were a traitor or a spy. It turns out you just like my cock too much."

As humiliated as she felt, it still excited her to hear him say it. He remembered her kinks after all this time. To feel lesser than him in bed made her feel complete; now that he was the King of Kattegat, the power play was more prominent.

It wasn't a game of cat and mouse between a Prince and a shieldmaiden. Instead, it turned to a king questioning a traitor. The danger was greater and oh so thrilling.

"You were always so vocal about following your dreams. I decided to do the same."

Ubbe chuckled and buried his hand in (Y/N)'s hair. "So what dream were you following when you stayed behind with Ivar?"

"Hvitserk jumped from your boat, not me. I wasn't given a choice. No one asked if I wanted to stay or go. If you asked... I would have come."

"You always did." He whispered with a smirk that made her insides squirm. Of course, he would mention that.

"Ivar wouldn't let me leave. I had to fight you! I would never betray you. I loved you."

"Loved?"

(Y/N) frowned and shook her head. "I can't love a married man. It would break Torvi's heart. And her children, including the one in her belly. Yours."

Ubbe grimaced at the reminder and walked away from (Y/N). Despite her words, she missed his touch and presence. "Why return then? What dream did you follow?"

Justice. But that answer wouldn't make him happy. But Ubbe's happiness stopped being her concern when he chose Torvi over her. Looking back at it, he kept picking everyone over her. "What I deserve."

"And what would that be?"

(Y/N) stood up and walked over to the throne, trailing her fingers over the wood; she smiled. "I am tired of being pushed away by people in favor of power and sex."

"I never did that."

"You always do that, Ubbe!"

He frowned and squared his shoulders back to show dominance. "That is no way to address your king."

"I could care less! You told me you loved me, and then you married a slave. You dragged me to England with you to protect me, and then you married your brother's wife. Why do you keep hurting me and then whispering words of love right after? What did I do to make you hate me so much? I want justice for all those nights I spent crying in my bed over your actions! I want compensation for all the hurt you caused me and all those who you leave behind! Say something!"

(Y/N) breathed hard as Ubbe watched her with no expression on his otherwise handsome face. He expected a different outcome from their reunion. He was probably used to the same old game of fight and duck that they played once upon a time.

But her time as a part of Ivar's army made her a different person. All those times, the cripple mocked her for her infatuation with his older brother, the more flaws she ended up seeing. The flowers may have been pretty, but the actions that led to them weren't.

And so (Y/N) reflected on her relationship with Ubbe Ragnarsson, if you could even call it that. Two years of constant fucking and fighting followed by making up and more fucking and fighting. Sometimes the lines blurred, and she couldn't even judge if it was one or the other.

Her love for Aslaug's oldest son died, and all that was left was a hunger for closure. She tried to get it from Margrethe, who lost her wits after Ubbe left her for dead chained to a fence. Like an animal. That was the final straw. Now it wasn't closure anymore; it was revenge. For her, Margrethe and all those other girls he used.

"Do you want an apology, is that it?"

"That's not good enough."

He rolled his eyes and turned his back on her as he walked around the Great Hall. "Then land and some slaves? Now that I am king, I can give you those things easily. Is that the kind of loyalty that bought you here? A dream of riches?"

(Y/N) clenched her jaw and shook her head, a hint of humor evident in her fake smile. "I am loyal to myself—the only one who never used me is me. So I came to take what is mine and leave."

"Killing me?"

"No..."

Ubbe turned back around and looked at her, seizing her up. If it's not money, power, sex, or his death, then what is left to take?

Another woman walked from the shadows. This one was blonde and finely dressed, followed by Hvitserk, who probably led both of them here. "This is Freydis, Ivar's queen. He murdered her son, so she wants revenge, just like me. We have ways for you to beat him, strike him where it hurts."

"Is tha why Hvitserk is here? To betray Ivar just like he betrayed me? For a girl. I wonder which one."

"A dead one," Hvitserk spoke up, his face serious as he drew (Y/N) behind him. Both women stood behind him as Ubbe took out his dagger. "Her name was Thora, and Ivar brother burned her alive. I want to stop his reign of madness. If working with you is the only way, then I will do it. Freydis has intel from within, from Ivar himself. I know everything about his warriors, and (Y/N) knows the rest."

"And how come you know so much? You are just a woman."

"If that's what you think."

He snorted and pointed at the table. "Then let's sit and discuss everything." The two brothers walked over to the table, (Y/N) moved to do the same, but Freydis stopped her.

"What happened to his demise? Did you change your mind?"

"Not at all." She turned back to the men and frowned at what has become of Ubbe. "I want him to suffer more. Destroy him piece by piece till all that's left is a shell of a man bound to die. Just like you did with Ivar."

"It is a shame what happened to him. I just hope Ubbe isn't Ivar and won't hurt you."

(Y/N) turned to her friend and smiled at her worried expression. "What a glorious purpose the gods gave us. A slave to a queen and a servant to a strategist."

"Gods bless us." Freydis smiled back, and the two walked to the table hand in hand. Women must make the most of the cards life handed them. Some play the game better than others.

#ubbe ragnarsson #Ubbe Lothbrok #ubbe #history vikings #vikings #original female character #original character

[mallowstep]

Since they’re feral cats, they should be dying more than they do. So, what percentage (or any form of ratio) of kits do you think should actually make it to adulthood? And how many would die as kits vs dying as apprentices?

fsdjkl let's fucking go.

(i'm going to talk about this in more detail in this answer, but i have talked about this before in the inaugural post for wbcd)

warriors but cats die

this whole thing is going to be long so...cut.

so before i get too far into this, i should say, i don't have any kind of data to back up my decisions. i based this off my memory of the first arc and bluestar's prophecy, and i have spreadsheets that walked through it. i'm not sure if i'm going to share any of those, i just want to say that i've walked through this and i know it checks out.

anyway, we're focusing on kits and apprentices here, odds that were significantly less impacted by narrative strength. (e.g., deputies get age immunity, because they're supposed to die at around 3/series, which means that how old they are and how many warriors need to die doesn't really apply to them.)

so! one thing to keep in mind is...okay, how do i put this.

in tpb, a lot of kits were born. like, a lot. there's frostfur's litter, goldenflower's two litters, speckletail's litter, brindleface's litter, ferncloud's litter, and honestly probably more?

like, basically, the nursery is, "oh hey we need to give some apprentices for plot purposes" and fireheart sticks his head in for the first time in 3 months and finds out that there are like twelve new kits yeah.

anyway, there are basically 0 kits in tnp, which makes sense, and then a metric fuckton of kits in po3, which also makes sense. seriously, i believe we have berrypaw, hazelpaw, mousepaw, cinderpaw, molepaw, poppypaw, honeypaw, lionpaw, hollypaw, and jaypaw, with foxkit and icekit being apprenticed not long after bhm's warrior ceremonies, and possibly before.

that's 12 kits within like. nine months? it's so many kits.

anyway, oots doesn't count because the allegiances are copy-pasted and poppyfrost spends like two years in the nursery or something, i don't remember anything in avos except violetshine, and tbc is. weird.

but! you can directly blame thunderclan's overpopulation on po3. because basically all of those cats live to have kits. no, seriously. poppyfrost, cinderheart, and icecloud all have litters. that's three, i know, but it's, like, a lot? when you consider that ivy and blossom also have litters later, and older cats have litters (brightheart go retire already, but i do adore ambermoon's name), and then you get grandkits (ivypool's litter, sparkpelt's kits), you get the idea.

basically, we needed to kill of a bunch of the cats in po3 and we wouldn't have so many cats now.

but back on topic, what's my point? well, in order to keep high ratios of child death, we need high number of births. trust me, the numbers i'm going to lay out stabilize around about 20 warriors, which is appropriate, i feel, for warriors. that's enough to have a good number die in a battle dramatically, but not so many you don't know who they are. and you can tweak this as you desire.

so.

we look to average four kits per season. two of those kits will become apprentices, and 1.5 of those apprentices become warriors.

or, annually, 16 kits are born, 8 are apprenticed, and 6 become warriors. i worked in numbers, not ratios, because i knew how many new cats i needed.

i knew i wanted 2 of the leaf-fall/leaf-bare kits to become warriors, and 4 of the new-leaf/green-leaf kits to become warriors, and i wanted an average of one new litter per season.

working backwards, well, you see what i have.

(as a note, that means you see 2 new warriors per season in the colder months, and 1 new warrior in the warmer months.)

anyway.

these are still just averages.

for example, lion, jay, holly, fox, and ice make up a crop of leaf-fall/leaf-bare kits. that means only two of them should become warriors.

and let's be honest, you can kill foxleap and icecloud without changing anything. they're fine. it's fine.

isn't that so much better than having them just hang around to have more kids and perpetuate the problem?

so the kits → warriors numbers are definitely from that perspective.

the kits -> apprentices and apprentices -> warriors numbers become a narrative thing.

i know i want the lf/lb litters to have less survival rates, but i've given everyone equal kithood survival chances. yes, i could tweak it, but i don't want to redo the math. i'm bad at numbers.

also! apprentice deaths have way more weight. so even though it doesn't really make sense, there you have it: more apprentices die during new-leaf/green-leaf.

but! this is a narrative tool, so you can shove the deaths in wherever works.

so yeah, those are my numbers.

like i said, i've actually like, done a bunch of calculations and stuff to make sure this works out. i think i'm going to be redoing my "who lives who dies" stuff soon, because i'm not happy with how it went the first time, so if that's something people would be interested in seeing, let me know? and i'll share it.

<3

#ask #anon #essay #mine #txt #wbcd

[yarrowleef]

Read Darkness Within all in one sitting last night and then passed out so here are my scattered thoughts i wrote down as i read, (afterthoughts in parenthesis)

Darkness Within Spoilers, obv

UGH GOD THE SECOND HAND EMBARRESMENT FROM SQUIRREL FAKE FLIRTING WITH ASHFUR IT HURTS

Just remembered Sandynose died and got a small boost of happiness (will Hawkwing and Plumwillow ever be allowed to talk again now? I mean probly not b/c they aren’t protags and non-protags don’t rly have friends but I can hope. Sorry, Hawkwhing and Plumwillow’s short-lived friendship in Hawkwings Journey was one of the last times I felt something)

Ghost fleas lol

Mothwing: i’m rude now. (but more importantly, Fuck Tigerheartstar for forcing his son to be around the cat that hurt him so badly, like he HAS to know how upset everyone is regarding Shadowsight and his accidentally helping the imposter, and he’s making him be the sole one to tend to him??? There is NO REASON Puddleshine couldn’t have done it. You think Puddleshine is going to try and murder someone?? )

Oh no don't make this a traveling book, and a ROOTBRISTLE traveling book this is going to be insufferable

BACON AND EGGS

Lightleap Is Good (Hey didn’t Shadowsight have another sister? lets be real we all knew Pouncekit was going to end up as the forgettable 3rd one)

Bristlefrost’s crush continues to feel unnatural to me. It’s like she’s grasping at straws romanticizing the most generic things.....wow....I love how ur just so...bare minimum competent....being polite to the loner we came all this way to ask for help like any somewhat reasonable person would....How admirable...I love the way you just *clenches fist* exhibit some basic traits of loyalty and skill that literally every warrior has (I s2g I’m this close to head canon-ing Bristle as a clueless aromantic who doesn't understand what romance is actually suppose to feel like so she just looks at feelings of low-bar admiration and assumes “oh I guess this is that “romantic attraction” everyone’s always talking about? guess I must be in love???” because both her crushes have felt out of nowhere and like. Idk fake/forced sounding like she’s just telling me that that she’s In Love Now while I continue to not actually feel it at all from her end. I know it’s just that I hate the way Erin’s write female characters in love but this head-canon makes me laugh)

Got scared because I thought they were going to villainize Spotfur for not wanting kits for a minute, but also excited at the concept of maybe exploring a female character that doesn’t want to be a mother, but it turns out she was just pulling a Sparkpelt and actually DID want the kits all along and was only hesitant because she’s sad. Shrug oh well.  (the only female character in warriors that was distinctly upset about pregnancy and motherhood was Lizardstripe and as we all know she was eeeeeevil and abusive and “overly ambitious” because why else would you not come around to being happy about motherhood?? YES I’M STILL SALTY ABOUT YELLOWFANG’S SECRET, BAD BOOK)  Whatever it’s fine so long as Spot doesn’t lose her rebel leader spirit forever and default to “soft mom” personality for the rest of her life, I gotta have hope because I actually like Bristle and Spot’s current relationship. Also I am actually very grateful they never made Bristle resentful at Spot for getting with her crush, as lots of middle grade/YA media has a very bad habit of demonizing female romantic “competition” and its super gross, so I rly do like that Bristlefrost is so protective and caring towards her instead. )

This series is trying to tell me that Rootspring is actually Big but I refuse to accept that. he has dumb scrawny bitch energy and we all know it

Sunrise: “Thunderclan may be better with a new leader” lol go off (i mean........they right tho...It’s unfortunate that the tension in this whole plot is a bit dampened by the fact that i DO in fact want bramble to die v badly. I don’t even have special hatred for him, I’m just bored of him.)

Yes Lionblaze beat the shit out of Ashfur

*HOLY SHIT THAT’S FUCKED!!!! (I wrote this in reference to the ghost summoning scene, this was all I could manage at the time, that scene was WILD and I am VIBING WITH THE HORROR OF IT ALL)

* Brashfur: Oh yeah? Could Ashfur fake THIS? *stands up with slightly better posture* Shadowsight: oh damn you got me there...... (asdfhhfhhgh im sorry that was really funny, how did that prove anything?? ONLY A ~REAL~ WARRIOR COULD STAND UP STRAIGHT WE ALL KNOW ASHFUR IS INCAPABLE OF GOOD POSTURE!)

End of the book: *LAUGHING NERVOUSLY* WHAT THE FUCK??? (I thought he was just gonna kill Squirrelflight right there holy shit can you imagine the RIOTS that would ensue in the wake of all this Squirrel/Bramble discourse I was so scared for a second.  

 But it’s fine, she just....went to super hell instead......Warriors has come so far lmao WHAT IS HAPPENING

Final Notes:

*On Mothwing, I don’t think her behavior struck me as “CHARACTER BUTCHERING” as much as it did for other people? I mean.....Warriors fans will say that literally any time a character does ANYTHING less then perfectly nice I think her actions just seemed that much harsher because we are reading from Shadowsight’s POV, and Shadowsight is taking everything 10x more personally right now (understandably so, but Mothwing isn’t inside his head) she wasn’t trying to hurt him. Also... like... Shadowsight DID get his name too early. It’s not Mothwing’s job to put his feelings above everything else, she’s not even his mentor, Puddleshine on the other hand, as his main mentor, I don’t understand what his deal is ignoring Shadowsight, that’s not how you help an apprentice but I suppose I chalk many of his mistakes up to also not being the most experienced medicine cat (he barely even had his own mentor.) Maybe he’s distant because he feels guilty and actually blames himself for not guiding Shadowsight better?? the two of them haven’t communicated about it yet so idk

 any way I give Mothwing a pass to be a little short tempered right now as a cat who has had her abilities periodically questioned all her life no matter how hard she works or how much experience she has, just because she doesn’t vibe with the spiritual cult side of the clans, I can understand why she’s a bit defensive of being questioned and frustrated watching so much hurt happen Yet Again due to reliance on StarClan visions over common sense, and I for one still stan her for slandering StarClan and refusing to accept Mistystar’s bullshit banishing like everyone else. Sometimes a character is at the end of their rope and can’t manage to be 100% nice 24/7 and that’s maybe not inherently bad writing? idk just my hot take. At a certain point we all gotta reckon with the fact that our perception of most popular supporting characters in heavily colored by fanon and we can’t always get mad at the authors for not adhering to it

*The sisters magic shit is my fav worldbuilding warriors has had in AGES, I love the way it’s described and it actually feels like it adds something to this world. I love this horror imagery with the ghosts, very excited for that. 

*still won’t be thrilled if Ashfur is working alone, because his motive doesn’t make sense right now. I mean the trying to get Squilf thing, sure, whatever, but the “I will make everyone pay for what they did to me”???? cause like?? Who??? they didn’t do anything to him?? Ashfur’s grievance was very specifically JUST Squilf. He has no other cause for revenge, he had no other beef or complaints about the clans to my knowledge? The cat that killed him is dead, and she’s like, the only other one that I could see as having “wronged” him?? I guess he also didn’t like Firestar much according to Graystripe’s Vow (and on account of how willing he was to kill him w/ Hawkfrost) but Firestar is ALSO dead. I don’t understand his angle. Will have to see last 2 books to judge i suppose.

*All in all I am interested to see where this is going!! but also the pacing as I feared is becoming a major issue. It’s better then ending the main conflict on book 3 like Vision of Shadows did, but omg. Hardly anything happened in all these pages. I realized I was over half way through and nothing about the situation had actually CHANGED or advanced at all in all that time. Similar to the past 2 books which I believe could have been combined, this plot felt like it should have been the first half of a book. Discussing whether or not to kill the imposter isn’t much of a standalone plot, it’s just the set up to a plot. Finding the sisters didn’t need to be a whole long thing, the debates about the Imposters fate didn’t need to be repeated 10 times, all those chapters illustrating that “Shadowsight is sad” were also drawn out, repetitive, and interchangeable, we probably only needed 2 or so chapters showing his struggles to get the necessary information across. It felt like a lot of padding, it was really slow and I did a lot of skimming. I am still very interested in the overarching plot and mystery behind the ghosts so that kept me reading but man this “will they won’t they kill him” plot did not justify it’s own whole book. Alas this is a persisting issue that will never be resolved while they continue to force 6 books into 1 series that doesn’t need 6 books. I’m sure the writers are doing the best they can with these unfortunate constraints but still, it’s a wonder this slow padding isn’t more of a detriment to their younger readers that the books are supposed to be marketed to.

#warrior cats #the broken code #darkness within #the darkness within #darkness within spoilers #wc tbc #tbc #is that enough tags #yarrow speaks #wc criticism #long post #the broken code spoilers #warrior cats spoilers

[werenotacoupleyesyouare]

So I was meaning to post updates for my Farseer Trilogy liveblogging because y’all seemed to really like the last one but one thing lead to another and I finished the book before I could even pick up my phone. SO- here are my thoughts at the end of book 1! (Contains spoilers)

- I’ll try to go chronologically so bear w me

- Look I love chade okay? He’s funny and mysterious but how on EARTH does the whole court think it a good idea to have a child deal with their political issues eye-

- like “oh, boggers! We have found a breach in our enemy’s defence after a war of interests that has lasted decades! Now we only need to gruesomely murder this well known politician, but whoever could be up to the task? Ah yes, this eleven year old warrior cats enthusiast will do”

- Yes I will refer to the Wit only as being a warrior cats stannie bc y’all know that if he was in the real world Fitz would have absolutely lost his mind over that saga. No I will not be accepting criticism.

- I LOVED CHADE’S RICHSONA lady time was funky

- every chapter I read I grow more worried about Fitz’s self preservation skills. He wakes up for the second time during the night, he is told to immediately go check on the royal he is serving because she’s sick, only to find out she’s just Chade in a ballgown, who tells him “there’s no time to explain, now follow me to check out this very dangerous hostage situation 2 days of travel from here” and he’s just like “ok sure” BABY!! NO??

- Forging is gonna throwin a nice angst trope eventually, I’m here for it

- my wlw heart is torn between Molly and Lady Patience... good thing I have two hands!

- Fitz please,,,,, Chade asks him “wait, does the Fool talk to you??” And Fitz is like “oh yeah :) I like when he hangs with me! He barges in, insults me and then tells me my clothes are ugly :)” BABY THAT’S CALLED BULLYING

- okay I know y’all have been waiting for this one so here it comes: FOOL RANT! I don’t know who this funky mean child is but I would do ANYTHING to keep him safe and happy. (And this time I’m not worried he’s gonna die bc there are like another 3 trilogies w his name on the title, so at least I don’t have to worry for a while) he speaks in riddles!!! I love that!! Also he tries to keep Fitz safe so we like him (more to come abt the fool, I ain’t done yet)

- MOLLY AND FITZ ARE SO FUCKING FUNNY SOMEHOW THEY BOTH MANAGED TO BE THE USELESS LESBIAN STEREOTYPE WHEN IT COMES TO FLIRTING I WAS LOOSING MY MIND LAUGHING

- like “Molly!! You deserve to be with someone who wouldn’t treat you like a piece of jewelry! You’re smart, brave and talented, not to mention beautiful, you need someone who could understand you!!” “Oh really?? Like who?” “Oh idk lol” KIDS I-

- also idk who this Jade is but I have a feeling he’s like a relative of Molly and Fitz is just being dramatic

- as you may know I’m listening to the audiobook, and I misheard Pocked Man as Pot Man, which lead to this very funny exchange:

Fitz: are you really... the Pot Man? 🥺

Chade 420-blaze-it Fallstar: not the one you’re thinking of

- I love how almost all of the characters are stoners, I feel like it’s something all fantasy sagas should consider implementing lol

- GUYS! are Lady Patience and Lacey,,, you know,,, 👀

- Lacey 🤝 Burrich: in love with one part of the royal couple while being their man/woman

- OKAY NOW BURRICH. I LOVE THIS MAN GUYS. HE IS A DECENT DAD AND HE CARES SO MUCH ABOUT FITZ IT MAKES MY HEART SWELL. But MAN what bitch with the Wit hurt him like damn

- aside point, Burrich has the Wit right? He was made to feel ashamed about it but he’s another warrior cats enthusiast

- also probs not intended but the Wit especially now feels like a metaphor and my queer ass was PROJECTING I was HURT when Burrich didn’t accept Fitz bc of it

- GALEN FARSEER? STUPID IDIOT MOTHERFUCKING GALEN FARSEER GODDAMN FOOL SKILL TEACHING CHILD ABUSING RAT OLD BASTARD SHITHEAD IDIOT BASTARD SON OF SHREWD. BIGGEST CLOWN IN THE CIRCUS LAUGHED OUT OF TOWN COWBOY MOTHERFUCKING GALEN FARSEER-

- okay no really this man is an absolute asshole how can he abuse those kids like that? Fitz almost killed himself damn like imagine being 60-smth and feeling threatened by a fucking 11 year old like get a life bastard boy

- also about that part I loved the Fitz Protection Squad™️

Fitz, at his worst, contemplating s*icide, convinced he isn’t worth shit:

Smithy, The Fool and Burrich: okay! It’s time for murder.

And they did! Well almost but verity finished the job anyway

- how sweet is the fool actually tho?? On the outside he is a bit mean, but then his room is covered in flowers, handmade dolls and swirls of colors. He avoids everyone, lives in the most remote part of the castle but as soon as he makes one friend he absolutely melts and tries his best to protect him. He acts so smug and uncaring but then gets scared when his friend avoids him, and starts going on about how he Doesn’t Actually Care About Him, The Court Just Needs Him, like sure baby. All I’m saying is please protect this kid he deserves the world.

- Verity is my only king, his wife is a kickass cool lady and I can already tell they’re gonna Fuck Shit Up together and I love it.

- yes that whole arc??? Incredible. I kept yelling at Fitz because GODDAMNIT but he did his best, he is only 14 after all (HOW DO THEY THINK IT’S A GOOD IDEA TO GIVE HIM SUCH RESPONSIBILITIES AAAAA)

- lol tho I loved how the Fool was like “yeah so Fitz maybe don’t eat everything they give you ‘cause I’m pretty sure they want to poison you” and then Kettricken is like “hey do you want to try these weird leaves I got from my sketchy garden?” and Fitz is like “oh boy would I”

- earring! Chivalry’s earring! We like that

- Yay so Nosy was alive! Cool again I don’t usually get emotional over dogs jfhdhufjdj I’m sorry I’m a disgrace (I’m confident this will change but for now eh)

- something that will positively destroy me is when Burrich will die eventually (and I know it happens cuz my dad SPOILED it for me) I don’t think I’ll be able to stand that

-okay so yes in general this book has completely made me fall in love and I’m definetly in for the whole saga lol. I was thinking of reading the three Fitz trilogies first and then go back and read the dragons and the other one

- I’ll probably make 2+ posts like this every book, so you can find them on the “#greta reads” in my acc :) anyways tagging a few people who enjoyed the last one @wellamarke @violetiris-ak @wolfofmars thank youuu

#Farseer trilogy #assassin’s apprentice #greta reads #fitzchivalry farseer #Fitz farseer #realm of the elderlings #the farseer trilogy #royal assassin #RotE #Robin Hobb

[twilights-800-cats]

Darkness Within Thoughts

Spoilers below!

Why did StarClan choose Ashfur to do whatever it is they wanted him to do? Why would they send him back, knowing his impact & true nature? Why him and not... say, anyone else? This outcome shouldn’t have been a shock to anyone with half a brain cell.

I’m so, so, so glad that the narrative acknowledges that Ashfur has an obsession with Squirrelflight. It’s not love, it’s a hate-filled obsession. They aren’t beating around the bush, and Jayfeather straight up saying that Ashfur’s behavior isn’t Squirrel’s fault is just. So nice. Retroactively making Ashfur kind of an obvious creep to everyone who knew him is also a pretty welcome addition.

I’m glad they included the argument from Graystripe’s Vow, it thankfully puts that super edition in a firm spot in the timeline - though it’s silly that they had to change dialogue in the se to keep the Ashfur reveal hidden. I think it would’ve been better if the se came out after, because we’d be able to read what the cats who left were up to after this book.

Shadowsight’s demotion is pretty insulting? Like, what has happened to Mothwing as a character. I never, ever considered her to be so bossy? Argumentative, yeah, but just pulling the rug out from under Shadowsight feels so out of character for her, especially when she brings up his visions like... Mothwing, honey, you haven’t had a legitimate vision from StarClan since tNP what the hell are you on?? The boy knows how to treat wounds?? 

I also really like the fact that they call what Ashfur did by its proper name - grooming. Because he did groom Shadowsight, and that needs to be acknowledged - no matter when it started, that’s what it is. Period.

HOWEVER the real insult is making Shadowsight treat Ashfur’s wounds. I can buy the other medicine cats/members of ShadowClan being uncertain of the visions he sees but making him tend to his abuser is fucking disgusting? Tigerheartstar what the actual hell??? How is that supposed to help him? 

We really did spend an entire chapter talking in circles around whether or not to kill Bramblestar’s body, huh? I mean, I saw it coming because it’s been well established that no one knows what to do and also that Squirrelflight is going to claw and scrape to save Bramblestar - I’m with Tigerheartstar tho let Bramblestar die already.

Cheddar, Pancakes, Eggs, and Bacon are the best kittypet names, fight me. They’re just so adorable!

The Sisters pointing out how ridiculous it is that the Clans still cling to the whole “don’t marry outside your Clan” thing is only heaping onto the idea that they will likely be changing at least that part of the warrior code in this arc. I hope they go through with it because watching these characters try their best to explain why their code can’t change is getting infuriating, lol.

Holy shit Lightleap DID something in this book! What a twist! Unfortunately, seeing Shadowsight get treated so poorly is really frustrating and just... speaks a lot to how inconsistently these minor and background characters are written. I do like that they bring up that Shadowsight’s been spoiled by Tigerheartstar, though.

The Sister’s ritual was awesome! I honestly really want to know where they’re taking all this and I hope it ends in a satisfying way. Ashfur seems to have really messed things up and I’m hoping for it all to mean something in the end. I also really want to see Rootspring develop his relationship with the Sisters and his powers.

Bristlefrost and Rootspring... Aside from the huge glaring fault of Bristlefrost never thinking about Rootspring romantically until the last book, their moments together are sweet. Unlike some Warriors couples, they actually have traits about one another that they admire! If the start of this relationship had been thought about at all, it honestly would be a really good pairing with all that Yearning.

Spotfur’s fear of having Stemleaf’s kittens... poor gal. I’m curious if Spotfur’s Rebellion will touch on this at all, alongside fleshing out her and Stemleaf’s relationship. I hope she and Bristlefrost become really good friends beyond the content of this arc... I’d love to see them taking care of the kittens.

THAT ENDING. Good lord I feel so bad for Squirrelflight - I really, really just want the best for her. Please, Erins. Don’t kill her for Bramblestar’s sake. Do anything but that. I don’t think that, after this, Squirrelflight wants to lead ThunderClan - but, who else would do it? No other cat has been built up to be a leader, other than maybe Bristlefrost. Squirrel deserves to live happily. Please just let her be happy.

Kill Bramblestar tho. All the talk about him being a good and honorable leader feels really sour after Moonkitti’s video and Squirrelflight’s Hope. He’s an awful leader.

All in all, it’s a good book. If you’ve been keeping up with this arc, it’s worth picking it up. That ending alone gives me hope that this arc won’t fall flat in the last two books, like AVoS did.

#darkness within spoilers #warrior cats

[warriorsredux]

Dullard Reads TNP #10

The big 1-0! We’re starting on the third book now.

The two WindClan cats that meet the traveling party are remarkably apathetic, if not outright hostile, towards Crowpaw as he’s returned home. I guess I could understand if their thought process has been stressed out by what’s happening to the Clans, but it also makes me smile thinking that absolutely no one cares about Crowpaw and everyone was happy he was gone.

Leafpaw recognizes “tortoiseshell-splashed fur” and decides that cat must be Brightheart. The thing is, Brightheart is ginger-and-white, not tortoiseshell. I have no idea how these mistakes keep being made when the allegiances are right there.

Seriously, it’s been two chapters. Just go to the beginning again and look!

And right after that, Sorreltail, the calico, is described as having ginger-and-white fur. I just…

Stormfur asks to go with Brambleclaw and Squirrelpaw to ThunderClan so that he can speak with his dad and let him know about Feathertail, which is fair. But I expected a little more than “Hi dad. Feathertail died. Bye!”. He doesn’t even elaborate on what happened beyond “she died like a warrior”, which is what everyone says when anybody dies in this fucking series, so it’s worthless!

It only now has occurred to me to note that some of the phrases used to describe humans between different cat cultures are a little odd. “Twoleg” makes sense, giving the feeling of finding something so foreign and bizarre that all you can use to describe it is two words slammed together. But “housefolk” feels strange. “Folk”, as a word, is not used among cats of any society, so to pair it with “house” or “work” (which is another weird thing, because the cats seem to know what the concept of work is when applied to humans but not anywhere else) for the sole purpose of defining humans feels…redundant, I suppose, as well as odd. You could just call humans “folk” as a general term, or even just cut out the middle man and call them “humans”, since every other animal is referred to as their real name. Why wouldn’t that word be known to begin with? Why would domestic animals refer to their owners as “housefolk” when they’re more familiar with them than anyone else?

Brambleclaw mentions that Firestar “has to obey the will of the Clan”, even though later books say that the leader’s word is law, and even in the first series there were some worries that Bluestar would force the Clan into battle, with a cat or two even saying that they couldn’t disobey her for the sheer fact that she was their leader. Just something to note.

Brambleclaw also greets Tawnypelt at the private meeting set up for the leaders, and for some reason Firestar growls angrily about it. Firestar – the guy who kept sneaking out to see his sister as a warrior, who has said multiple times that family is family no matter who or where you are. Why would he now, of all times, be upset that siblings from other Clans are happy to see each other?

Also Blackstar is described as having a black pelt at this meeting. Which… God, I wish he was just a black cat.

Somehow, Hawkfrost was made deputy in Mistyfoot’s absence. The hostile, asshole cat who acts like Tigerstar 2.0, makes no secret of his desire to own all of the territories, actively talked against Mistyfoot and Leopardstar, AND hasn’t even had an apprentice at this point – THAT’S the cat Leopardstar thinks is a good idea to make deputy. Why do people like her so much again? She’s just as stupid as Blackstar.

WindClan is suffering the most out of all of the Clans, and yet for some reason it doesn’t occur to them that Barley’s farm is right next to them and still has plenty of mice to go around. Barley probably wouldn’t even care if they came over regularly, and Ravenpaw would only be too happy to share with other warriors. Is that the script again? It’s getting caught in the wind now! Come back, script!

(Hums that one Steam song as Greystripe is carted away, not to be seen again for the entire rest of the arc. Thank fucking God.)

Firestar greets Leafpaw after her rescue, and it’s written that “a purr throbbed in his throat”. That is a really weird sentence and a confusing mental image. Purrs vibrate, don’t they?

I’m reading everyone grieving for Greystripe and I’m just smiling, because the fact that anyone would be sad he’s gone is a hilarious concept to me.

I would like to remind all of you about to protest against my ragging on Greystripe that, at the point of this book’s publication, we had absolutely no idea of what he actually did as deputy. There was no SkyClan book, no Greystripe’s Vow, nothing. Our timeline was him being a complete douche for six books and then three books of him just following Firestar around and then getting kidnapped like a moron. He has done nothing to earn any grief on the part of the reader. Just something to keep in mind.

That being said, Ferncloud’s mourning of her dying kits is something to be sad about, and Cody sympathizing with her is a nice addition to the story. I do like that the second series wasn’t afraid to kill off kits and apprentices, or just warriors in general, which is desperately needed in the newer arcs.\

And that’s that for now! I’ve got the second half ready to post for tomorrow or the weekend. So look forward to that shit, I guess.

#dullard reads tnp #tnp #the new prophecies #readmore #textwall

[atlasfreak]

hell is hot from your mistakes

chapter four; Tumblr edition

notes: song is ode to l'manburg by beetlebug, all rights to the song go to them

ArchiveOfOurOwn Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30073104/ or THIS

Wilbur names the strider Schrodinger's Strider - If we can't see it, we have no idea if it's dead or alive, he jokes.

"Schrodinger sounds like another word for dick."

I mean, yeah, but- y'know, shut up, Tommy.

Mama stays like she's always been; watching over Tommy like a nesting eagle. It's a miracle Schrodinger's Strider hasn't been killed by her hand. It sits where Tommy's brother used to and it crackles at him all day long, blinking slowly whenever he glances over.

He pats its head.

Mama Piglin has been trying to teach Tommy combat, desperately. She's so very, very hesitant to leave her little child alone and unguarded and vulnerable - it's her only solution. He's a little young for it, sure, but he more than makes up for it with past experience - the muscle memory of life before, of being a soldier of L'Manburg.

Is it a good thing that he was a skilled warrior at 16? No, it really wasn't. It has its benefits, though.

(Wilbur doesn't regret teaching Tommy to fight for his life. It's saved him more times than they can count.)

His mother swipes again - Tommy bobs, blade just almost grazing his little ears. He exhales and gets ready to avoid another slash.

Tommy hasn't been hit yet. He doesn't want to be hit yet. He's afraid to be hit. He won't be hit.

So he jumps and he weaves and he dodges, and he doesn't get hit. The sword flies over his head as he ducks. Mama Piglin purrs when Tommy falls to the floor, exhausted, not a scratch on him.

"You are a very very good fighter," she crows. "Especially for a child."

Tommy smiles.

You know what he's not very good at, though? Piglin. The language. His bane, the real challenge; it's learning to speak in Piglin.

They're in a small clearing, him and his mother. She stands in the center of the nycelium, eyes narrowed, trusty sword in her hands and a smaller blade slung across her back. Tommy doesn't wanna know where she got it from.

Isn't it morbid that she's so awfully protective of you guys - and so awfully sad now that one of you died - but she's fully willing to put another sow through that pain, without hesitation? Hypocrisy, I do say. Hypocrisy.

"Shut the fuck up, Wil." Tommy snorts. He jumps at the sound of a low rumble, glances up - his mother is glaring. She holds the small sword in her hands now, almost offering it to him.

"Repeat, child," she instructs. "'Give me the sword.'"

You'd think it'd be easy for Tommy to just do it- to just say "Give me the sword" and be done with it, but you'd be wrong. Very wrong.

Here's where the issue lies: phonetically, his mother's language is very, very, very different to English. It doesn't matter how similar a piglin's vocal system is to a human's if Tommy doesn't know how to pronounce piglin words. He doesn't know how to make the sounds he needs, and his mother is not very happy about it.

"Wilbur, help," he begs - in English, one might add -at the same time that his mother snaps, "Wrong! Try again!"

I don't know what you want from me, Tom.

"I- how do I make a fuckin' pig noise, huh?" Tommy turns back to his mother and squeaks, another damned attempt.

She huffs. "Wrong. Try again."

You're the piglin here, not me, Wilbur chuckles. His voice is distant today, but not horribly so. I can't help you.

Tommy hides his face in his hands. "Mama, please. I don't know how to make that noise."

"I need to understand you!" she growls back. "Try again or no sword. No sword, no fighting. No fighting, no going out."

(She's been almost as adamant as Wilbur - he can't die, he won't die. She's protective, now; even more so than before. Tommy rarely leaves her sight.)

Wilbur breaks into his thoughts. Tommy, translate.

"'I need to be able to understand you. Try again or you don't get the sword.' No sword, no fighting. No fighting, no going outside."

Ha.

"No, Wil, not ha! I need to be able to fight, remember? To go the fortress? I have to be able to fight as a stupid little pig, you said - that was your rule!"

I remember. That's why it's funny.

Tommy groans. "This is shit! It wasn't a problem before, why does she only care about me speaking fucking English now?"

Wilbur cackles at him. Tommy would flip him off, but he only has three fingers.

His mother narrows her eyes. "I will say it again. Child, repeat. 'Give me the sword.'"

"Why do I need to know Piglin?! I can understand you just fine, that's good enough!" Tommy groans.

Do you have a name? Wilbur asks suddenly.

"Wh- you were the one who named me, Wilbur! Yes, I have a bloody name!"

No, no, no- in Piglin. Do you have a piglin name?

"Child!"

Tommy sighs. He clears his throat and he decides, I'm just going to say oink, and he does just say "Oink", and his mother crosses her arms and he's ready for more disappointment.

But he doesn't get it. "You said a word.," his mother nods. "Wrong word, but a word. You have a very strong accent, child - you speak too much player! Say- say 'Mother'."

Tommy! Answer the question!

"I- uh, yeah, I do," Tommy mutters. He tries his best to copy the squeal, but his mother sighs. "What, did you think she just somwhow knows to call me Tommy?"

What is it? Is it like.. like Techno's? Two words stuck together?

"Uh, I can't pronounce it," Tommy is staring up at his mother, waiting for her next instruction. "It's like... she calls me 'child', but pronounced differently to how she said my brothers' name, which was also child."

Wilbur breaks out into laughter. Your name is child?!

"Child! Say mother. Easy- easy enough word for you."

Tommy exhales and he's ready to be scolded, but he does try. Again, to his complete surprise, his mother claps instead. The sound of hoof on hoof is almost jarring.

"Yes! Good child! You can speak Piglin! Good job, child. Say it again!"

Tommy is appalled, but he copies his own odd sound and his mother tosses him the little sword. "Good child! We will fight with swords now. You will learn to kill - then you will not die like your brother!"

What happened? Tommy, what happened?

"I said a word right," Tommy gasps. "I called her mother and she's very happy."

Wil cheers in his ear. Woooo! Good job Tommy, you can talk! You're officially at the same level as a piglin toddler!

Tommy ignores him and he holds the sword gingerly, examining it. It's very light compared to what he's used to - compared to iron or diamond or even Netherite. He swipes it around experimentally. His mother's eyes widen, but she rumbles in approval. Wilbur is quiet.

Tommy crouches. Finally, something familiar.

His mother unsheathes her own sword and she lunges.

That's what they do, now. In the mornings, whereas Tommy used to play with his brother, Tommy will now instead ride Schrodinger's Strider around the cave or talk with Wilbur. At noon, his mother will quiz him on Piglin words, and then they go out and train. When he gets tired, she tucks him into the rocks, hides him among the red, and she tells him to stay, and she goes out to get food for them. There's not a single day where Tommy doesn't worry she won't come back for him, that she met a hoglin too fierce for her blade, that he's alone and hungry with only a quiet voice for company.

But, despite his darkest worries and fears and thoughts, she always, always comes back. She always comes back and she always purrs when she comes and finds him, nestled softly exactly where she had hidden him, tail waving.

They eat, then sleep, then it starts again.

It's nice.

Tommy's heavy enough to leave tracks, now, and his mother shows him how to hide them. He has little tiny tusks, and Wilbur jokes that they'll be as small now as they'll be forever and that he'll look always like a child. Tommy's half the height of his mother and he's lost some of his fluff, soft down replaced with patches of slick, short fur.

"How many days has it been?" Tommy asks.

Wilbur smiles. In Overworld time, it's been two months.

"What, is Nether time different?"

No, but also yes. Piglins age faster and stay adolescent for longer. You're a few months old, sure, but it's the equivalent of roughly 16 months.

Tommy grumbles. "Piglins are complicated. How do you know? You're a little research boy?"

No, I just I asked Technoblade & Philza, Wilbur explains. You remember that Ghostbur exists at the same time as me? So I can track the days. I went to talk to the Arctic boys - Phil theorizes that aging is almost sped up here because Nether mobs typically don't live long, so they need to be fully grown sooner, and-

He pauses. Tommy turns to look for the source of his voice - he figures Wilbur is probably sitting on Schrodinger's Strider - and he tries his damndest to make eye contact with the invisible. "And what, Wil?"

..and, uh- and Techno is suspicious of me.

"They don't know I'm alive, right?"

They don't, no, but Techno doesn't- I think he knows that I'm not really Ghostbur. I think he recognizes me as- you know, me.

Tommy blinks. "That's not good, is it?"

It's not.

"...Do they miss me?"

Techno and Phil? They.. don't believe you're dead, really. They haven't seen your body or your ghost - they think Sam is lying. It's sad to watch.

"What about everyone else?" Tommy whispers. "Tubbo? Quackity? Sam Nook?"

There's silence. Tommy takes a sharp inhale. "Wilbur? Wilbur, what about Tubbo?"

Wilbur does not respond.

Of course, this fragile little peace, this tranquil calm - it can't last. No matter how powerful she is, Mama Piglin can't always be there to save the day.

And this is that day.

She's slinking through the forest brush, foraging for food. Tommy is watching her, laying up in a tree that he'd scrabbled up like a baby cat, and Wilbur is daring him to eat a shroomlight.

Come on, it'll probably taste like, fruity.

"Aren't you the one who always fucking says 'Tommy, you can't die. Tommy, it's super important you don't die'? Why are you trying to kill me?"

Wil laughs in his ears. It won't kill you! And it'll be funny. Phil will be proud.

"What, are you gonna tell him I somehow found a fuckin' shroomlight in the Aferlife, or...?"

.... ok, nevermind.

Tommy laughs. His mother casts a look back up at him from below, a quiet warning: Shh!

He shuts his mouth.

Wilbur is distant in his ear. He says he's still in the cave, hanging with Schrodinger's Strider, and Tommy groans. "Why can't you come hang with me? You can leave your little friend alone, it's ok. You have TommyInnit, you don't need a strider friend."

He'll- he'll get lonely without me.

"Ok, and?"

Hush your mouth. I'm allowed to get attached. Anywa, what's Mama up to out there?

Tommy peers through the red. "She found some hoglins. She's climbing up a tree so she can jump down on them - two, an adult and a baby."

Tasty.

"What. The fuck."

What?

"Why would you say that!?"

Well- you're gonna be eating them, aren't you?

"Actually," Tommy decides, "that's fair."

He watches with mellow interest as his mother drops down - her sword cuts right through the soft skin of the baby, it's dead in seconds. The mother roars and Tommy watches with wide eyes as Mama spins round and rakes her blade across the swine's great, ugly face. It rears with a scream, blood tripping down from its eyes and eyelids firmly shut tight. It warbles and snarls as Tommy's mother tries to jump onto its back.

Tommy grins. "Yeah! Good job, Mother!" he cheers. Piglin Mama glances up at him - at his Piglin - with wide eyes. The swine knocks her off with a grunt.

Tommy's smile falls. The hoglin sniffs at its dead child for just a moment while his mother blinks, dizzy. The hog turns to stare at her, almost if to shout, to accuse; You killed it!

His mother gets back up and crouches again, sword shining yellow and dripping red, ready for round two. The great beast narrows its eyes and runs the other way, towards Tommy. His mother yelps as its beady little eyes spot him on his perch in the rickety old branches and he sees the maniacal light in its eyes.

Revenge.

Tommy's mother screams.

Tommy gasps as the hoglin slams full force into the tree, powerful tusks tearing weak roots out of the ground. Wilbur screeches in Tommy's ears as he grabs onto his branch for dear life and the ground shakes but all of his attention is on the stinging, the humming pain, the wet red trickling from his nose, just like it did months ago, months ago; months ago, when Dream killed him.

He shuts his eyes tight and he prays to any god that'll listen.

Please, please don't make me go back to the void, please.

The thundering of the ground - of great angry hog hooves - stops suddenly with an awful, wet squelch. Tommy stays stock still among the red wart branches, hands over his ears and hoping desperately that he's hidden well. Light leaks through his eyelids but he still doesn't open them. He doesn't open them when he's lifted out of the tree wreckage, or when he's held close by wet, red hands, or when he feels warm breath checking for life.

"It's ok, little child. I have you, it's ok. No more hogs, no need for fighting or blood. Please do not cry. Never will hogs get to you again. Never, ever. I will never let it happen. I promise. I promise. Please do not cry."

So Tommy doesn't.

She doesn't really let him out of her sight anymore.

There's no more hunting, no more foraging - only patience, hunger. She sits by the entrance to the cave and she waits for something to pass by, something to kill. That's what they eat - anything unlucky enough to pass by their den.

Tommy eats more rotten flesh these days.

"I am sorry, child. But it is not safe for me to go away."

He doesn't reply.

Wilbur sings to him more, now. When he feels low, Wilbur will notice. Schrodinger's Strider will rub against his piglin cheek and Wilbur will hum to him, keep him company. He doesn't talk about the SMP anymore. Part of Tommy is grateful.

It's not bad. His mother still him trains to fight here, in the cave, and she's still kind. She'll always be kind, Tommy reminds himself. She's just been through a lot.

That's what happens when she tries to raise main character, Wilbur tries to joke. It falls flat.

His mother watches him so much more closely, if possible - he's not seen her sleep. He wakes up under her gaze and he falls asleep with her eyes boring into her back. Once upon a time, weeks ago, she wouldn't be caught dead letting him curl up to her.

Now, it's more common than not that he falls asleep with his face burrowed into her side.

They fight with their swords - his mother's hits are harder, faster, and Tommy bites down the memories every time he ducks a moment too late, swallows the panic. His mother remains on the offensive, insistent - "Get up! We'll go again!"

That's how it is now, really. Tommy wakes up, he trains, he sleeps and his mother waits, maybe he'll eat and then he trains, and when his muscles hurt or he has one blade's nick too many, he'll sleep. Then he opens his eyes to his mother's watch and it starts again.

It's only so long that the cycle can last.

And Wilbur ruins it.

It's an average day, really. Tommy lays in his soul soil patch, humming. He's had a shit morning - he woke up with Dream's burning green eyes boring into him, with the cackle of his voice in his ears. Wilbur notices immediately, of course. His mother doesn't. She went as hard as always in combat training, and Tommy still feels the awful, awful sting of the cut she left on his arm. The worst part is, it's a sting. A little tiny slash, already scabbed over, and he's overreacting. He can't blame his mother, really - she wants him to be safe. He understands that.

It still sucks his breath out when he shifts and bumps the wound against something.

Wilbur pities him. He hates it.

Theseus, do you need help?

"I don't need fuckin' pity, Wilbur. Leave me be."

He hears Schrodinger's Strider crackle, bump him gently. Fire shoots up his injury. Tommy snarls.

I'm sorry, Tommy, Wilbur murmurs.

"Good. Keep your pity to yourself and get this fuckin' strider away from me."

To his surprise, the strider backs up. Tommy huffs and goes back to laying in the dirt, staring at the red roof.

Wilbur's quiet voice fills his ears. He narrows his eyes, but doesn't comment.

It all started on a day like any other, Tommy hears. All the salmon had swum to the sea. But my lover she darted away down the stream, with the heart that she'd taken from me. Tommy, do you know this song?

Tommy doesn't respond, but Wilbur continues.

And my chest, though it ached, there was hope - a little beacon of light. Though my sunniest days are now stolen away, I still have our son by my side. You know, that's Fundy. Sally would've loved him, I think, if she'd bothered to stay and get to know him.

Tommy doesn't respond.

And as he looked up with me with those wondering eyes, I just knew that I must protect him with my life, Wilbur sings quietly, And make a land that is good and a land that is free, for the better of you and of me.

Tommy doesn't respond.

We'll build these walls with our own fair hands, through the wind and the rain and the snow-

"It never snowed in L'manburg, Wilbur," Tommy responds.

-and I swear by my life that I'll stay by your side, whatever the world has to throw.

"That aged well. When's the last time you even saw Fundy?"

So I summoned my men to my side, Wilbur hums, And we sung a familiar tune - as a final goodbye with our fists to the sky to our past as we started anew.

"I don't wanna hear this anymore, Wil."

We built these walls with our own fair hands, through the wind and the rain and the snow - and we swore that we'd keep an unwavering faith in the land that we carved for a home.

"Wil, quit it. I'm fucking serious. I don't wanna hear about L'manburg."

Oh, the thought of the day lit our country ablaze as the sun rose bloody and true, Wilbur's voice breaks. Arrows- arrows burned through the sky as we swallowed our pride, and we ran with our backs to the moon-

Tommy sits up. "Wilbur, shut up."

And Wilbur doesn't respond - he keeps singing. Tommy falls back with a thump.

-to our demise.

"From a friend full of lies," Tommy murmurs. He remembers it so clearly - he's there, almost. Staring. He hears the hiss of redstone, but no click of pistons, no crack of pearls. Instead he smells burnt flesh and sees a crater that was once his home, sees the bloodied body of a brother, sees hands strained gray in gunpowder.

Oh, the break of the day shed its light on our hearts, left battered and bruised.

"All the hopes that we'd made on the home that we made," Tommy sings with Wilbur now, "Torn to pieces and left in the blue."

Pain shoots through Tommy's ears - so many voices, so many, too many - but Wilbur leans against Schrodinger's Strider with fond, visible brown eyes.

"But my friend, with an angry cry, held the weight of our-"

And just like that, it's ruined. A sword swipes through an incorporeal body and Wilbur squeaks as it goes through his torso and nicks Schrodinger's Strider. It chitters in surprise as blood wells up on its side.

Wilbur is gone in an instant, and the voices quiet down, and his mother screams.

"A player! A human player! Oh, danger! You're not safe! Why are you not safe?! It's meant to be safe! It dug through the wall, it must've- it must've broken in! Child, you are ok, please tell me you are ok," Mother Piglin wails, sniffing at his head as always.

Tommy stares blankly at where Wilbur had just sat, eyes so kind, so very very kind - kinder than they'd been in months.

Wilbur's voice is quiet, but not distant. A nervous whisper. I'm so sorry, Tommy, I forgot.

Tommy swallows as his mother continues to ramble and hold him close.

"It's ok, Wil."

When Tommy is too quiet - when his eyes don't focus or he shakes or he wakes up breathing too quick - Wilbur would sing. He would sing and he would hum and Tommy would shut his eyes tight and he'd relax and Wilbur would always, always sing for him when the life was unkind.

He sings more often now.

#tommyinnit #tommy innit #dsmp tommy #dsmp #dsmp tommy innit #dsmp tommyinnit #dreamsmp #dream smp #smp #dsmp fanfiction #dreamsmp fanfiction #wilbur soot #wilbur mcyt #atlas; hell is hot from your mistakes #wilbur #wilbursoot #mcyt wilbur #dreamsmp mcyt #mcyt #mcyt dream #dream mcyt #dreamwastaken #abusive dream #dream #dsmp dream #dreamsmp dream #piglins #:)

[stimmypaw]

Stimmypaw reads Darkest Night! The fourth text post!

Back with these uh live reading comments! Remember those? yeah! I'm on the fourth book of Warrior Cats: A Vision of Shadows :D I read The Apprentice's Quest and Thunder and Shadow and Shattered Sky and now!! I'm here :D and boy did I have a time. Click read more to see it!

NEEDLETAIL?????????

Needletail???????????

What?????

OH???????

Wh THIS GUY IS TALKIN 2 DEAD PEOPLE????

HOW WHO IS THAT

OH MY GOD

These guys are weak and dumb skyclan is epic and sharing the territory with them is good, but of course sparkpelt isn't dealing well with change wink wink nudge wink nudge nudge huh???? (this is a nod to how I project into her and say shes autistic)

I am getting anxious for tinycloud SERIOUSLY how much longer until those kits??? Everyday you show up and its WOW my tummy ssure is HUGE AND BULGING I just Wonder Oh When They'll Be Born, probably pretty soon!!! :) and then they arent!!!! Birth dammit!!!

Cherryfall cut the sick and hurt cats some slack jeez youre Fine, youre not feeding half the forest and you have THREE medicine cats ready to help you if youre not feeling well

Bastard Cherryfall I hate you /lh

Dovewing and Tigerheart have relationship drama again. What is UP with those two I simply do not understand them

Watching Bramblestar trying to control this bizarre situation is actually funny he is so close to screaming "PLEASE dont be mad :c"

SOON WHEN???? JUST KIT THOSE KITTENS DAMMIT

Get her, Alderheart

They LITERALLY said something about sharing the territory, they were like "Stars have five points baby and we need those 5 clans togetherrrr" what else do these cats want??? I know its a big change but its necessary

Wait everyone shut up that cat is named Podlight this is so important to me

Dang these cats are really still struggling :c I wish they didnt blame each other

Harestar is so cool

What the FUCK mistystar????

God what a disaster of a gathering Starclan is gonna be so pissed everyone is doing the opposite of what they should

I was holding my breath oof

I hope thunderclan gives some territory too thats too small a space for Skyclan

Oh boy oh boy oh boy i am Anxious for these Kitties

Violetpaw is me having nightmares every night

Macgyver is a heavily gringue name and I have No Clue how to say it how the hell do you say it

Update its either Mick Guyver or Mac Guyver apparently

Its fun to see how different the sisters are from one another, I love them both

I also love their mom with the name identical to puddleshine wish I got to meet her

IM CRYING BRO........M...MDB.....NFBANN.....VIOLETPAW BELONGS MY DARLING MY DAUGHTER

Sadly Twigpaw is for gender binarism 😔 /j

Twigpaw is often in her thoughts and doesn't pay attention to anything around her and I love her for that

Bad news Finpaw is gonna lose his tail, good news I can draw his tail fin-shaped

Puddleshine surgeon moment!!!

I love Graystripe and Millie

And I love that being flirty is a part of Sparkpelt's personality, I don't know what Alderheart is talking about she's always been dandelion-headed

Ok this is epic, I’m glad we’re breaking gender roles in Warrior Cats my heart dropped when the books called Briarlight cr*ppled, that’s the thing they promised not to do anymore recently right? I’m not sure but, I could use some uh less ableism on my Warrior Cats, the series is old but the newer books should be better, so yeah, good modernize these cats babyyy

OH COOL Skyclan journey!!! Fun I hope they find someone :] also fuck Molewhisker and Cherryfall bastards.

Jayfeather is gonna miss Alderheart too much for him to leave hehehe

ALL of Starclan showed up just to call out Riverclan pahahah

oooo is shadowclan haunted?????

FINALLY TINYCLOUD IS KITTING YES GOD YES GO QUEEN GOOOO!!!!

I wonder why Twigpaw wants to stay behind, there has to be more than just the camp stuff

"I wish I were more positive like Twigpaw, but at least I'm just as scarred by the death of my loved ones as my dad :] I like being like him"

Violetpaw witnesses a car crash 😔 that was a bit messy what happened to those cars also why the hell was one of them smaller was it a bike??? Or ???? Idk what's up with it!!!

Needletail just happens to have slow-down turned on for her on the discord chat so she can only say like a few words each hour :/ why the hell is she here tho Violetpaw needs to get OVER your death!!!!

This short exchange has made me love Dewpaw

Also, I love Twigpaw, I still wonder why she stayed behind tho

Ahh, is it cus she feels too estranged from her family :c ? I wish her mom was around maybe that would help

Jee Twigpaw be a tad more empathic, I can see Twigpaw struggles with that sometimes

You can't cheer him up right now he's grieving, just find him on common ground, talk to him, don't try to make him happy just try to keep him company

Oh wow finpaw that's a dangerous thing to say I hope Twigpaw doesn't crumble under the pressure to never be sad because people like her because she's happy and her being sad would be bad

ALSO I JUST REMMEMBRERD UH TWIGPAW MENTIONED BRIARLIGHT BUT BERRYNOSE IS RIGHT THERE???? HE IS RIGHT HE DIDNT DIE OFF SCREEN IM SURE OF IT WAIY

BERRYNOSS IS RIGHT THERE I CHDCKED!!!! HE LOST HIS TAIL TOO AND HES A GREAT WARRIOR, TWIGPAW!!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED IT ITS MORE RELATABLE

Okay I'm glad they're getting along this is nice

Oh look twigpaw you Are like your father :] this is cute

Skyclan begins to fish competitively I'm glad

I like it when medicine cats bicker about their leader's behaviors ehheheh, Jayfeather talking about how weak Shadowclan is, Alderheart being annoyed at his father for wanting to stay silent, the others worried about the tensions this is all cheff the kisser

Jayfeather spitting the truths about how Starclan doesn't know shit, and he is very much one to speak

Puddleshine: Rowanstar stepped up the patrols :c

Leadstar: He has warriors enough for that?? Damn good for him

Dang poor Skyclan I hope they manage stuff better soon

Oooo the girls are fighting!!!

Alderheart starclan anxiety time dang

Sheep :]

Needletail :[

I'm sad Ravenpaw isn't here, this is a lovely reunion scene but knowing Barley will be alone when they all leave breaks my heart

Oh, maybe not, but if they stay I'll be sad also cus Skyclan needs its warriors

Aw man, Twigpaw is struggling :c

OUCH

I WANT SKYCLAN 2 SWIM THO......

Omg crimes

That sounds kinda possessive twigpaw!

DOVEWING?????

T

WhHAHAGAHAHA WHERE DID THAT COME FROM

omg tigerstar 2 real

Whats he gonna do to rowanstar???

ALRIGHT THATA OVER THEN PAHAHA

Aw, I'm glad they're having fun tho, and that twigpaw sees herself as skyclan

Alderheart, as he meets someone for the first time in a while: ARE YOU OKAY???

Blackstar protagonist moment

The medicine cats: our gods are toying with us again and destiny is uncertain

Leaders: I cannot DO this right now PLEASE leave and let me care for The Real Issues

Alderheart: YOU WILL hang out at my house Willowshine this isn't up for debate

Riverclan suffered enough and it's their turn to throw a tantrum about it, honestly good for them hsghahah

Alderheart asks his father to go on a quest to check people's feet

WHAT THR HELL IS A CANTANKEROUS

Alderheart and Willowpelt sitting there watching Shadowclan fight

This is really funny

HEWWO????

Puddleshine, in his eyes: help help

I love Skyclan

Ok this sounds like it's gonna be very very fun

Mission impossible: Escape From São Paulo

Oh, is Fallowfern deaf? That's so poggers omg I wanna see more of her

Edit: fallowfern is an elder that lost her hearing with age and retired after that happened :/ boring

I love leafstar so much

Juniperclaw: aren't you gonna punish her????

Leafstar: why

Juniperclaw: when I tell rowanstar he's gonna be pissed

Leafstar: don't tell him

Juniperclaw: the fuck is wrong with you and your clan??? Where is everyone???????

Leafstar: busy

Icon

I don't trust abled people specially able-bodied people telling disabled people they just have to train harder and feeling sorry for yourself won't help.

But this is the closest to a positive message to disabled people we have ever had in warriors so I guess I'll take it but I want better

IVYPOOL!!!💖💖💖💖💕

Dang ivypool what a way to show someone you miss them hahaha

Twigpaw: uhhhh how's dovewing?

Ivypool: what do you mean did she do something illegal I'm sure she did

Ivypool is a seriously funny character WHY are you yelling at the young adult about your sisters illegal activities she doesn't know anything about it!!!!

Alderheart goes on an adventure

Feet inspector on the road!!!!

Jasper is so funny I love him

Omg what's he got against clan cats??? What's his sad backstory????

YEESSSS SPARKPELT MY LOVE 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💕💕💕💕💕💕💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💕💕💕

Sparkpelt your opinion sucks but I love you

I'm really really glad they had this moment this is really sweet, they hadn't talked for a while but this is genuine like, we hadn't had this sort of relationship in so long in the books with just, dialogue yknow??? THEYRE TALKING ABOUT THINGS

And the pause Sparkpelt takes between her speaking to fix what she's saying "I'm sorry for saving you :c no wait uhh not exactly but like" this is so good so natural so fun I love you sparkpelt

I get why she has a diferent opinion on Skyclan it's good for someone close to Alderheart to have a different mindset from him and for him to have someone like uh be opposites from him a lil yknow contrats his characteristics makes both siblings fun round and full of kitty do you get what I'm saying???

I love this

I love Sparkpelt, love her lil anxious moments, love her, love that she just wants to fool around with toms and enjoys Larksong but doesn't want to get serious you go girl

They wanted to write smart-ass they wanted to write smart-ass so bad

They're doing this in the rain?????

I'm quite certain Violetpaw is a young adult by this point its valid for her to go

Wh why did you let your cat out in the rain dude!!! When it comes back it's gonna dirty up the whole place it's wet out there!!!! And the cold is gonna get in the house!!!!!!!

I WAS HOLDING MY BREATH OH LORD

That was SO INTENSE AND SO FUNNY AND SO MUCH, IM SO GLAD SHE MADE IT I GOT SCARED

Oh this is so epic

That moment when your cat nearly dies and then it runs off and you go after it and then a bunch of other cats show up and start running with it

I hope Twigpaw can see the others soon

Glad to see her keeping her medicine cat knowledge ehehehe

???????

Sandynose I hate you you are so abled

Sandynose: I don't want my son to feel distanced from his peers so I'm distancing him from his peers

DOVEWING???

SANDYNOSE SHUT UP IM GOING TO KILL YOU ANS MURDER YOU

I'm so upset with Sandynose WHY isn't leafstar seeing this WHY DOESNG ANYONE SEE THIS SOMSONE PLEASE CONFORT AND LOVE MY CHILD TWIGPAW DOESNT DESERVE THIS

Angry sad upset why

Piscina

Thanks graystripe

Ok who's dying this time

Ok no one just a background cat got hurt he will survive otherwise it would be relevant

This was intense though what will happen now???

YES FINALLY

Oh this is lovely so good they're here!!! The rest of skyclan has arrived and we are all happy together

That dream felt good

NEEDLETAIL??? AGAIN

Where were you at!!!!

What!!!

Check this man's feet how many toes are there this could be good

What

Hegshahwha what the fuck is up with this guy

Okay I like him

Ohhh THATS tree

Change your name if you don't like it you sound trans already

Yeah nothing makes one smarter like dying

This is very fun I'm excited for more of whatever happening

Twigpaw :c

HIS SNIFFLES

Oh no

Hhhhnn I want Twigpaw to be happy so bad, I hate seeing her struggles

Sandynose you are so evil and very detested by me

You can and you SHOULD feel angry at Sandynose he SUCKS and he is being needlessly mean at you!!!!! There are much better ways to bring up the possibility that maybe you'd be happier with thunderclan!!! Fuck off Sandynose

Oh so Snowbush hasn't improved, maybe he will die?

Poor Alderheart

Oh fuck there he goes

Yeah

Aw man, rip to the background cat

That was a heavy death too

Aw, I was hoping the rest of Skyclan would show up before the gathering, maybe just after it???

I wonder what's going on in Shadowclan

TIGERHEARTS MISSING HUH???

The couple was kidnapped

HUH????

Oh my lord oh fuck

Can't anyone step up to lead why do they depend on Tigerheart so much???

Jesus christ

Alderheart kills his gods

This is so chaotic and funny I'm worried as hell for shadowclan but excited a lot is happening

HI TREE AGSGAHAH

Tawnypelt >:(

Puddleshine: WAIT DONT KICK HIM OUT, CHECK OUT HIS FREAKY FEET INSTEAD

Oh dear

Twigpaw :c

TWIGPAW :CCCC Man rememebr when I said I hope Twigpaw doesn't crumble under the pressure of being happy for others? yeah

GET OUT SANDYNOSE I DONT CARE YOURE BEING REASOMABLE FOR ONCE YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN LATER

:C

I'm so heartbroken for them

Uh pdhsgahab okay then

Bye finpaw

Wow that was easy for him

This is fun

I'm still sad as hell

Okay there's a lot going on right now wow

The owl scene was funny as hell to picture, this dramatic prophetic moment and the cats just "uuggh is that a prophecy??? Nooo"

Okay so

There's some shadowclan cats missing, considering the many sleekwhisker maps I'm sure she's up to no good but I have no clue what happened to the others and I hope they're okay

Wow! That was really something

Fantastic ending to a very good book its, definitely a different energy from the third but I'm really enjoying this I'm still excited as hell!!! I got worried things would get kinda bad from here but nope!!!! Very fun stuff for now this is very very good and I am enjoying it

This is definitely one of the most fun arcs I've read so far!!! The drama the stakes the little moments everything is tying together really well into a very fun story I'm enjoying a lot!

I worry for Twigpaw and hope for her happiness, and Violetshine too, hope her and Hawkwing deal well with missing her. Tree is being interesting. Alderheart wasn't much of a focus here but always fun to see him trying to solve the damn prophecy no leaders seem to care about. Mousewhisker was okay??? Lots of very fantastic turns for all events and uh let's see where this all goes next!!!

#vision of shadows #a vision of shadows #wc #warrior cats #warriors #darkest night #avos #avos darkest night #warrior cats avos #avos warrior cats #twigpaw #hawkwing #alderheart #mousewhisker #violetshine #rowanclaw #rowanstar #finpaw #sandynose #i hate you sandynose #also talk about quest for the 6 toed feet huh?

[mallowstep]

(Reed anon again)

Just--wtf did Riverclan do with Reedpaw when everyone was rescued? Even in Canon? Like, poor fucking Mistyfoot--two of her kits are with her, but her third and final kit is still in enemy territory, still underneath Tigerstar's paw, Blackfoot is still his mentor. If even a *hint* of Reedpaw's true parentage got out, he'd be fucked. He and Leopardstar would both probably be dead, Leopard carrying Tiger's legacy or not. Tbh I wouldn't doubt Tigerstar'd be petty enough just to kill all of Riverclan itself. Like...Greystripe, you fucking LIVED in Riverclan for a few fucking MOONS. How do you forget or at least NOT recognize/remember the queen that nursed your kits' own kits? You told Firestar you visited them every chance you had. Like...Grey, I get you were worried for you daughter, but dude...you left a child who you saw as a baby to a toddler (thereabouts) under a war criminal. Someone you KNOW had a subordinate who was not against poisoning kits with deathberries. Someone who tried to kill his OWN apprentice. Then, in the Leopard AU, this kid is stuck in the apprentices den during the rescue. Leopardstar and Mudfur cannot get him out without alerting Shadowclan Apprentices. They chose Mistyfoot and Featherpaw's heath and safety (which, at this point it's better than nothing.) And Misty has to choose Feather when Mudfur leads them out of their prison. He then gets to see the absolute horror of his LEADER, murdered, loose a life, to this Monster, see her go through what his mother did, only that IT'S far, far, worse than anything that'd been done at this point. He sees his clan's medicine cat turn against their leader, verbally agreeing and harassing her...just... this poor boy.. In Canon, Misty Au, Leopard AU it all sucks. Dark AU, not so much--still horrific, but Blackfoot is Reed's father in that one, so as his mentor Reed's safety is somewhat assured had Tigerstar not realized Reedpaw was Misty's kit, and that Misty's kits had not all died.

oh my god anon why r u so Damn Good at making me feel things

okay okay okay hm. i'm just gonna -- yeah i'm just gonna put the whole thing under a cut bc i'm a lil too tired to do the thing where i start with the pg-13 and below stuff and then do a cut.

cw: sexual assault, parent being involved in sexual assault of child

heck if i know. i'm like. 100% sure mistyfoot's kits were forgotten about. they were nameless characters for a Long time. reedpaw isn't in any of the allegiances for riverclan in tpb. i...like. i've read tpb how many times? and i honestly didn't know mistyfoot had kits until i checked out the warriors wiki and was like. oh. she had kits? with blackclaw? what the fuck?

i wouldn't put money on it, but i have a feeling the scene involving mistyfoot and her kits could be read as riverclan kits in general. again, wouldn't put money on that, it's just a hunch.

anyway, i kind of just. mistyfoot could have had another litter in the year between tpb and tnp, or during po3, or literally any other time and then we wouldn't have the reedpaw problem (tm).

WAIT

WAIT WAIT WAIT I WAS LOOKING AT THE WARRIORS WIKI AND

HE'S AN APPRENTICE IN TNP

what the FUCK

he's fucking like. several YEARS old. he's 2 and a half years old and he's a fucking apprentice oh my god just give mistyfoot a second litter it is not that hard.

actually. since mistyfoot's litter isn't named...new hc that reedwhisker is a different litter? hm. anyway.

my tangent on the reedpaw problem aside;

oh yeah, he's so fucking dead. imo prob not him and leopardstar -- riverclan would Riot if their leader was killed, and tbh, so would part of shadowclan -- but him and blackclaw. damn.

and yeah? idk? god. i don't know. tbf he's not in prison i don't even know. altho. actually, to give greystripe some credit -- the fact that mistyfoot doesn't ask to go back for him and how risky the riverclan rescue is, i think "not going back" is actually a reasonable choice.

honestly do we have an erin statement that reedwhisker is part of the same litter as prim and co. it's not on the wiki. i want to know. because i think everyone just assumed he was and -- maybe there is a statement but i want to see it.

because mistyfoot is not the type to abandon her kit. like. what? no. mistyfoot? mistyfoot? my brother just died but i am fucking fine get me the hell out of here mistyfoot? no i know i'm starving but like hell you can apprentice featherpaw to someone else mistyfoot? you're telling me SHE would leave a kit behind without so much as a word about him? fat fucking chance.

in conclusion, unless someone can provide evidence an erin said reedwhisker was part of mistyfoot's first litter, i'm going to assume the intention was that he was a second litter.

and back to the actual topic, now that i'm done for real hopefully.

yeeep. he can't be rescued. and -- mistyfoot has very few choices here. featherpaw is dying, reedpaw is safe for the moment, she won't get another chance. she's not happy about it -- she misses him so terribly much -- but she doesn't. yeah. god. that angst. i hope like. someone somehow just Tries to let reedpaw know it wasn't voluntary.

(i'm not Much One for "you left me you didn't love me" angst if you Can't tell. a pinch of it for flavour, but not as a main plot line, y'know? nothing wrong with it it's very good i just don't like writing it.)

god -- god. in my mind tigerstar takes the life from leopardstar privately bc riverclan would fucking riot but just. reedpaw realizes what's happening. so he follows bc of course he does. he's not the reason tigerstar knows what's going on, but he thinks he is.

and he's there hiding and he sees tigerstar kill leopardstar and hears him tell mudfur what's going to happen and he's sitting there in a bush or something just trying not to so much as twitch because he's so dead if tigerstar finds him. he's so fucking dead.

so he just sits there until long after tigerstar and leopardstar and mudfur have left and when he gets back to camp everyone wonders where he went and he can't explain.

and it feels terrible but he realizes tigerstar is still gloating over everything because as pissed as he is that he lost mistyfoot -- now he's truly taken out every thread of riverclan's leadership.

(frankly no i still think tigerstar's most effective control method for riverclan would be to tell stonefur that if he messes up, he'll kill the apprentices and/or mistyfoot and/or rape mistyfoot, and do leopard au on leopardstar, therefore getting all 3 riverclan leaders in blind obedience to him. he'd have to be much more discrete about leopardstar, maybe convince the clans it's a political thing, i'm not sure. the point is, nothing would Visibly be wrong, all three leaders are just going for this, and so of course riverclan would go along with it. but tigerstar's too much of a prideful asshole to appreciate another culture in enough depth to manipulate them effectively.)

anyway. so reedpaw realizes like -- ah yes. i'm escaping punishment because tigerstar is distracted. and -- god. yeah. oh my god.

and at first like -- he doesn't like. witness anything. tigerstar has some sense of subtly. not a ton -- but enough. direct evidence would be a problem. so no, reedpaw is just sitting with this knowledge in his head. mistyfoot escaped and she was carrying tigerstar's kits (was she? he hadn't seen her he misses her so much he hopes prays she's safe), so now leopardstar is going to.

and the thing about letting things sit like that is that the brain is very, very powerful.

(He called my mother a whore, Reedpaw thinks, and he wants to throw up when he remembers it.

Tigerstar and Leopardstar and Mudfur are having a conversation again and Reedpaw thinks of how Tigerstar would wrap his tail around Mistyfoot, like they were mates, and he wonders what Tigerstar would say if he didn't have to pretend.)

so. you know. yeah. good angst oh my god.

and now mudclaw has flipped from -- one of his best protectors to a great enemy. see, here's the thing. tigerstar only tells mudfur he's going to make him watch. leopardstar ain't dead that long. so reedpaw doesn't know what shadepelt knows and shadepelt would tell him but if shadepelt tries to talk to reedpaw...bad for the both of them.

and reedpaw is around blackfoot and blackfoot is a good guard and how long until -- reedpaw is asked to tell blackfoot something while blackfoot is on guard and he hears mudfur say, "You're a slut like your mother" and he -- can't. maybe he freezes, can't remember what he was supposed to tell blackfoot.

("Spit it out," Blackfoot says, but Reedpaw can't remember why he's even here.

"Even your own father thinks you're just a useless whore," Tigerstar says. He's not speaking loud -- Reedpaw would have to strain to hear the words if his entire world hadn't narrowed down to them.

"Reedpaw," Blackfoot growls. "Spit it out.")

hm. yes. god. bad. good. damn.

and yes the dark au seems like. once again "the angst is very different so i don't know how to rank its magnitude because emotions don't work like that" but. on one hand -- his dad. protection. safety. good. on the other -- his dad really did let two of his siblings die and his mom get raped, huh.

hm. good stuff.

#ask #anon #reed au #misty au #leopard au #dark au #yeah we hit all of them #mine

[staircasttext]

Ep 04 Transcript: Purr-fidy

Episode 4

[intro music]

PAZ: Hello everyone, welcome back to Stairway to Starclan, a Warriors Cat reread pawdcast. I'm Paz.

JULIAN: I'm Julian.

LIZ: I'm Liz.

PAZ: And we're back today to tackle some very action-filled chapters. And because the reading this week, we finally get to go to Moonstone and tangentially get some of that StarClan action, I thought we could all go to the official site where they let you ask the Moonpool a question. "Seek the wisdom of StarClan. Enter a question with a yes or no answer and let them guide your path." And I think we should give StarClan some questions.

JULIAN: Hell yeah.

PAZ: I wonder if they'll let you curse in this. Will warriorcats.com let you say fuck?

LIZ: Wait, wait.

JULIAN: There's a nice little shimmer when you click the Start.

LIZ: "This page is currently not supported on your platform."

JULIAN: Oh no.

LIZ: And I'm getting a little crying cat emoji.

JULIAN: What browser?

PAZ: I'm on Firefox too. It's working fine for me.

LIZ: You'll have to ask Moonpool questions for me.

PAZ: I'll ask you a question for you. Okay. I think the first pressing question is, are these cats gay? [typing] "StarClan lights your path with a yes."

LIZ: [gasps] Get a screencap. Oh my god.

JULIAN: Word of God.

PAZ: Word of God. You heard it here from StarClan. These cats are gay.

LIZ: You know it.

JULIAN: I have a question.

PAZ: Yes.

JULIAN: Will these cats be held accountable for their many crimes? "We have heard your call and answer in turn. StarClan sees a yes in your destiny."

PAZ: Oh.

JULIAN: All right, StarClan, get the tribunal together.

PAZ: Okay. These cats are going on trial for their war crimes. They're gay and they're going on trial. Liz, what's your question?

LIZ: Will warrior cats and kittypets ever reach an accord and maybe be friends?

PAZ: Okay, I'm asking. "The stars shine brightly in favor of yes."

JULIAN: Does this thing ever give you a no?

PAZ: I feel like StarClan might be a bit of a yes man.

JULIAN: I want to ask another question and see if we can get a no. Will it snow tomorrow? "The strength of Starclan is with you." It didn't tell me yes or no.

LIZ: Maybe it's like prophecy. You have to interpret it.

JULIAN: Oh, I see.

LIZ: Like do you need the strength because it'll snow.

JULIAN: Yeah, I think this may just never tell me no.

PAZ: Well, you know what? That means everything we say is right.

JULIAN: There you go.

LIZ: Can you ask it like, does my cat know that I love it? Yes. No. Not me personally because I don't have one.

PAZ: Okay, does my cat know that I love them? If it tells me yes-- "StarClan guides your question with a yes." I was about to say, if it tells me no, that'd be real sad. Well, I'm happy that everything I said now has the support of StarClan. So that was a fruitful visit to the Moonpool. And I think we can go into the summaries now.

LIZ: All right.

PAZ: Okay. So this week we read chapter 15 through 18. Chapter 15 follows Bluestar, Tigerclaw, and Firepaw into the cave as they travel to the Moonstone. It was pitch black and they all have to follow Bluestar by scent who knows the way. Firepaw notices that Tigerclaw seems very scared as they travel inside. When they actually reach the Moonstone, Tigerclaw gets so scared he runs out of the cave. Bluestar then sleeps by the Moonstone while Firepaw watches. When Bluestar wakes up she seems very worried and insists that they return to the ThunderClan camp immediately.

In chapter 16, the cats begin the journey back to camp. The three apprentices have a brief conversation and Graypaw notes that Ravenpaw seems very on edge whenever Tigerclaw is around. On the way back, the group meets a loner named Barley, who lives near a Twoleg farm. Barley warns them to go back a different way because the dogs from earlier are now loose in the field.

And Bluestar takes his advice and the different way leads them to be attacked by a bunch of rats. Everyone gets really battered, but Barley comes in to help them. Tigerclaw says Barley sent them into a trap, and Barley was like, No I did not. Then everyone realizes Bluestar is gravely injured, possibly dead, but she soon revives. Bluestar says she lost a life. When they finally began to move again, Tigerclaw very nonchalantly asks how many lives Bluestar has lost and she says this is her fifth.

In chapter 17, which is a hefty chapter, the cats finally arrive back to the ThunderClan camp, only to see it under attack by ShadowClan warriors as Bluestar saw in her vision. There is a huge cat battle happening in the camp, and everyone joins in. There are some action scenes, and then Firepaw is the shadow plan deputy kill an elder who is guarding the kits. Firepaw is unable to get there to rescue them because he's fighting another cat. And by the time he rushes to the nursery, the ShadowClan deputy is gone.

Yellowfang, who is inside, reveals that she fought him off to protect the kits. The battle soon dies down, and one of the queens publicly declares that Yellowfang saved the kits. Then Bluestar delivers the news that Lionheart, the ThunderClan deputy is dead. Graypaw is devastated. Firepaw realizes that the whole situation is exactly like a dream he had before. There are some scenes of various cuts morning and being looked at after the battle.

Bluestar then announces she has to declare a new deputy before moonhigh, and uh-oh, it's Tigerclaw. Next to Firepaw, Ravenpaw reacts in dismay and lets it slip that Tigerclaw took care of Redtail because he wanted to be deputy.

JULIAN: Duh-duh-duh.

PAZ: Chapter 18 opens with Tigerclaw overhearing the conversation and menacing Ravenpaw. Firepaw quickly salvages the situation by saying Ravenpaw was wishing Tigerclaw was there to take care of Lionheart as well. Ravenpaw refuses to speak to anyone after this interaction. Firepaw then goes to sleep and is woken up when Bluestar calls another meeting.

Tigerclaw speaks at the meeting, declaring that he has decided Bluestar must be guarded at all times by his lackeys, Darkstripe and Longtail. He says that no cat is allowed to approach Bluestar otherwise. Bluestar then asks Yellowfang to officially join ThunderClan, which Yellowfang accepts. Tigerclaw then insinuates that there is a traitor in the camp who must have fed ShadowClan information, and looks at Ravenpaw. Both Firepaw and Graypaw are worried for their friend.

Firepaw goes check on Yellowfang first, and they have a brief conversation about how Yellowfang misses the old ShadowClan, before Brokenstar became leader. She then tells him to roll around in garlic to help heal his rat bites. Firepaw tries to leave camp to get to the garlic patch, but Darkstripe refuses to let him out. So he sneaks out instead.

And on the way to the garlic, he overhears a conversation between Tigerclaw, Darkstripe, and Longtail. Tigerclaw lies to the two cats and says Ravenpaw left the group and must have gone to ShadowClan during the journey. He implies they need to kill Ravenpaw. The chapter ends with Firepaw racing back to camp in the hopes of convincing Bluestar of Tigerclaw's danger and Ravenpaw's innocence. And that ends that set of chapters.

JULIAN: Lot of intrigue.

PAZ: Yeah. We're getting to that murder plot mystery. Who could have seen this coming?

LIZ: Yeah, you know that Tigerclaw is so subtle. I never would have expected it.

PAZ: I'm shocked. I put down the book. I was so shocked. I also put down the book because that was the end of our reading.

JULIAN: I was trying to remember like, what my reaction was to this when I first read it as, you know, a fourth grader or whatever, but I could not remember. I think that I saw it coming. But I was still like upset.

PAZ: Yeah, because I read A New Prophecy first, I knew that Tigerclaw was evil like, because I mean, it's all in the past at that point. So I certainly was not surprised when I read the first book and the first book only.

LIZ: Well, I have never read these before. And you can definitely see it coming. And I think that's like good. Because it's like, yeah, this is your first big series as a kid. Author is laying down clues to lead to like a conclusion that makes sense, which is that Fire-- sorry, not Firepaw. Tigerclaw is a shady little bitch.

PAZ: Yeah, and I mean, I think there's nothing wrong with a mystery being obvious or predictable, especially not in kids media. Like, that whole shit with like Game of Thrones, where they changed the ending or whatever because someone predicted what would happen, and they were like... and it's like, that's just good storytelling if people can predict what's happening based on clues you've put in the text.

JULIAN: Congratulations, you've successfully deployed foreshadowing.

PAZ: Yeah, exactly.

JULIAN: I was into like Tigerclaw being like afraid of StarClan in the Moonstone. I thought that was neat. Some sort of like, yeah, he's shady. Also. The ancestors fucking hate him.

PAZ: Yeah. That was very funny and very like, evil cats go to hell. Good cats go to heaven. You can't enter our good vibes cave, you little piece of shit.

LIZ: Yeah, um, I would like to draw some comparisons between two great pieces of literature: the first Warrior Cats book and Hamlet.

PAZ: They're on the same level, I think.

LIZ: I mean, listen, there's the dude who commits a terrible secret murder and is shown to be super shady, and then he shows fear at the first mention of any sort of, like, mystic or religious kind of influence. Like, oh, I've sinned against StarClan. The parallels between Tigerclaw going into the cave and what's his name's, Hamlet's dad.

PAZ: Hamlet's dad?

JULIAN: Claudius?

LIZ: Hamlet's stepdad.

JULIAN: His uncle?

LIZ: Hamlet's uncle. I read Hamlet many times.

PAZ: C-something.

LIZ: Yeah. Claudius being like, praying because he did a bad murder and knows he's going to hell. It's the same thing. It's the same.

PAZ: It's the same.

LIZ: Can't believe Shakespeare totally just like cribbed the style from Warrior Cats.

PAZ: And Graypaw is Horatio. It's all there.

LIZ: He is Horatio, right down to the people shipping him with Firepaw.

PAZ: Yeah, exactly. Um, I mean, I guess I can kind of go in chronological order now that we've gone back to Moonstone cave.

JULIAN: I have an important question about Barley. But if we're still-- if we have more on the Moonstone.

PAZ: I guess the one other thing was like Alix's question from last week about Bluestar like planning this was on my mind, when she like, decides to take Firepaw into the cave. I wonder if she was like, hey, Starclan is this who you mean? If she was hoping to get some answers there?

JULIAN: Yeah, he did have like a prophetic dream. So that was cool.

PAZ: Yeah. But yeah, that's the only other thing I had to say about the cave chapter.

JULIAN: My Barley question was just um, does he got balls? What's his soul doing?

PAZ: That's a great question. I wonder if my Cats of the Clan book will give me insight. I don't have it on hand. Um.

JULIAN: Let me pull up the trusty wiki.

PAZ: I feel like barn cats in real life aren't often like neutered or spayed.

LIZ: I guess only if like people do a lot of catch and release, right? Like they do that.

PAZ: Yeah, which obviously they're not doing in the Warriors universe, or all these cats would be fucking snip snip.

JULIAN: [muffled shriek]

LIZ: That would be so terrifying as a warrior cat.

PAZ: I think warrior cats--

JULIAN: I found some very tasty information about Barley on the the wiki.

PAZ: I like Barley.

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: So I couldn't find a way to see if maybe he had had any kits to see if that would tell us his ball status. No kits, um, is gay.

PAZ: What?

LIZ: Wait, what?

JULIAN: He's gay.

PAZ: Wow. Barley, gay king.

JULIAN: His partner is kind of a spoiler, I guess.

PAZ: Oh, I think I remember. I think I remember that.

JULIAN: Yeah.

LIZ: Wow, good for him.

PAZ: I didn't know they were officially partners.

JULIAN: Yeah, no, officially listed as a partner.

PAZ: Oh, fuck yes.

JULIAN: Barley's a gay.

PAZ: StarClan was right.

JULIAN: Gay ally and a gay.

LIZ: And Tigerclaw is homophobic. Of course.

JULIAN: You know what?

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: This whole story is about homophobia.

PAZ: Tigerclaw's like, that little fruit told us to come this way. He's betrayed us.

LIZ: Barley is a type of wheat, or grain.

JULIAN: And that's why Tigerclaw hates--

PAZ: Ravenpaw.

JULIAN: Right.

PAZ: My god, it's all coming together.

LIZ: I knew it.

PAZ: I do remember liking Barley because I think he shows back up in A New Prophecy because they, you know, go places. And he's like, chilling. And I was like, that's a cool cat. And now I know it's because I sensed a fellow in him.

LIZ: I just like his name a lot. That's a good name to have for a cat.

PAZ: It's a great barn cat name.

JULIAN: Oh, great news. Vicki believes that Barley will not go to StarClan when he dies as he lacks the necessary faith. No word about his balls, though. So he might still have them.

LIZ: He's an atheist.

PAZ: Does he go to that--

JULIAN: Kate however, believe that he'll live just on the outskirts of StarClan.

LIZ: Oh, there's some contention.

PAZ: What was that-- I was on the wiki looking at where like cats who don't go to StarClan and don't go to the Place of No Stars go. It was called like the something residence. Let me see if I pasted it.

LIZ: Just another neighborhood? Because that's what it sounds like. Yeah, it's like StarClan is like Los Angeles and the whatever residence is just the outer LA County.

PAZ: It's the ghost residence.

LIZ: Yeah, that's where I live.

JULIAN: Incredible.

PAZ: "The unnamed residence serves as a place for ghost cats, acting as a purgatory of sorts."

LIZ: That's still where I live.

PAZ: The ghost-- no, okay there's another residence. Unnamed residence. "This is a list of cats that currently reside or have resided in an unnamed residence. Cats in this category our cats that have died and been seen as spirits but do not reside in StarClan, The Place of No Stars, the Tribe of Endless Hunting, or as ghost cats."

JULIAN: I love that there are ghost cats.

PAZ: Me too. What?

LIZ: What?

PAZ: There's another gay cat in this place.

LIZ: Oh my god.

PAZ: The gay cat that Liz doesn't know about yet. Unnamed residence is the gay commune of Warriors.

LIZ: You know what, good for them.

JULIAN: Stray cats go to heaven. Gay cats go to unnamed ghost residence.

PAZ: The homophobic cats do go to hell.

LIZ: Confirmed.

JULIAN: Yes.

PAZ: Yeah. Um, well, yeah, I love Barley. Um, it does lead to an extremely funny scene of rats attacking these cats and like, absolutely wrecking them. Like, they killed Bluestar. I was like, what the hell are these rats?

JULIAN: Maybe the rat situation is like, you know, these are like concerted rats. These are like, a lot of rats working in concert for a shared goal, which is to beat the fuck out of the cats.

PAZ: Oh my god, okay.

JULIAN: Like rats will like kill a baby.

PAZ: Will they? What?

LIZ: Probably.

JULIAN: I'm actually basing this off of the plot of the dog movie? Lady and the Tramp, which may not be accurate, now that I think about it.

PAZ: I think maybe that might be inaccurate. Um.

LIZ: Well, I've got a very reliable source and it is Dishonored. And rats will totally eat a cat and a baby. Like all the way to the bones right in front of you. Definitely.

PAZ: "Cats or rats? Rats win in New York hands down." I'm clicking. I want to learn.

JULIAN: This is an educational podcast.

PAZ: This is like Goku vs. Darth Vader. Who will win?

LIZ: Why do we have to pit two queens against each other?

JULIAN: Yeah, this study says that cats are not good predators of rats. The rats actively avoid the cats and the cats only recorded two rat kills in 79 days. That's not a good record.

PAZ: Damn. These cats really need to step it up. Well I guess-- this doesn't say anything about the rats killing the cats. But it does say that cats suck at fighting rats, I guess.

JULIAN: Yeah, I guess that's why we have like terriers for rats.

PAZ: Yeah. This article says that people see fewer rats and assume it's behavior-- it's because the cats have killed them, whereas it's actually due to the rats changing their behavior so the rats will just like leave.

JULIAN: I mean, that's not-- that's like, fine.

PAZ: Yeah, it achieves the same result.

JULIAN: I don't mind if the rats live in the sewers. They're allowed. I don't go down there.

LIZ: This is their city.

PAZ: It is their city. Well, I still think it's very funny that all these rats fuck them up.

JULIAN: It is. it's very good. Bluestar loses a life.

PAZ: She loses a life to these rats.

LIZ: Yeah, just like in Dishonored.

PAZ: Should have just gone on with dogs.

JULIAN: God. I also like, if I were Bluestar, I would not have told Tigerclaw my life count.

PAZ: No. Once again, she's--

JULIAN: I realize that she's very trusting but like, you can't tell him you only have four left. He's counting.

PAZ: That was so suspicious.

LIZ: He's just gonna bring some more rats.

PAZ: Like who is like, hey, like, how like-- what are your weaknesses? Can you tell me them? Can you make a list of them? Not for suspicious reasons. Thanks.

JULIAN: Yeah, deeply sus.

PAZ: Yes. I do also gotta shout out Barley for saving them and being the only one who knows how to kill rats apparently. He jumps in and fucking owns these rats.

LIZ: Yeah, he has--

JULIAN: He does a great job.

LIZ: --the rat eating term?

PAZ: In Dishonored? Yeah.

LIZ: He gets HP from it. Crunch.

PAZ: Oh, I looked down at my notes. I did indeed write "died to rats, dot dot dot... just like Dishonored."

LIZ: It's like in the same brain here. Okay, hold on, speaking of Barley, I googled him and there's on his Facebook page or something, there's just a picture of a regular black and white cat.

PAZ: Oh my gosh. That's his face cast.

LIZ: I love it.

JULIAN: That's him.

LIZ: Perfect part nose.

JULIAN: Are Barley and Chloe related?

PAZ: We have no choice but to stan Barley.

JULIAN: And they have this like horrible, brutal rat fight. And then they go straight to like, fucking horrible, brutal ShadowClan fight.

PAZ: I know.

JULIAN: It's just, it's out of the frying pan that's full of rats into the fire full of cats.

PAZ: That's what they always say.

JULIAN: That's how the saying goes.

PAZ: Yeah, shout out to the action sequences. They are fun. But--

JULIAN: They are fun. They're good to read.

LIZ: Yeah.

PAZ: Yeah, so the next next bit is the fight at ThunderClan cat camp. And it's kind of a bloodbath, huh.

JULIAN: Is it time to talk about war crimes?

PAZ: War crimes and murder. Uh-huh.

JULIAN: Yeah. Like, they go after the kits.

PAZ: Yeah. Julian, I did think about you saying, like, are they stealing the kits, which I still don't remember, cause it was described as Blackfoot, the ShadowClan deputy was like picking them up. I was like, oh, is he gonna whisk them away? But I don't know. We never find out.

We never find out.

LIZ: Also, that's an unfortunate name for a cat to have.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: Yeah, that is-- that already belongs to something. And you should not be using it.

JULIAN: Yeah...

PAZ: British authors not doing their research, I guess. Or...

LIZ: Yeah. Hey, there's eight of you. I know you're all very old, but come on.

JULIAN: Also, I feel like you know, Harper Collins is... I'm sure they have a UK imprint. But like there are also editors in the US. Surely someone should have, uh.

LIZ: Someone out there must know what Google is.

PAZ: Yeah. Hopefully that character dies soon. We don't have to see the name anymore.

LIZ: They use that name so much in this chapter.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: But yeah, back to the kittens, right?

PAZ: Yes.

JULIAN: Yep.

PAZ: A cat does just die also. He kills one of the old cats, cold blood.

JULIAN: Yeah, I'm looking at the Wikipedia page for war crimes.

LIZ: Like in general?

PAZ: Yeah? Do you have a list? Do you have a list of what constitutes a war crime?

JULIAN: Well, so there's a lot of them. But intentionally killing civilians or prisoners is definitely one of them. So I think killing an elder kind of counts.

PAZ: Check that off.

JULIAN: Yep. Destroying civilian property. They did destroy the camp. So that's one. They did not take any hostages. So that doesn't count. I don't know what performing a perfidy is.

PAZ: Me neither.

JULIAN: Oh, it's when you like, lie about... Basically, you're like, oh, I'll make a peace treaty and then you don't.

LIZ: So is that spelled--

PAZ: Mm, I don't think they did that.

JULIAN: P-e-r-f-i-d-y. Perfidy.

LIZ: Not p-u-r-r-f-i-d-y?

JULIAN: [cackles] Damn. We don't see any child soldiers onscreen. At least I don't think so.

PAZ: Are the apprentices child soldiers, though?

JULIAN: Are the apprentices here?

PAZ: They're not...

JULIAN: How old are they?

PAZ: The book says apprentices are more than six moons old.

JULIAN: I mean, you're basically an adult cat.

PAZ: So most of them are probably under a year. Yeah, I guess they're like adolescent, I don't know. Yeah.

LIZ: Teen?

JULIAN: Like, it's not great, but.

PAZ: Yeah, they get away. They get away with that. Not a war crime.

JULIAN: Pillaging? Oh, looting. Um, I mean, they don't take anything. So I don't think they pillage.

LIZ: No. There's not really anything to take this except like food and maybe medicine. There's not a lot of like, property.

PAZ: Yeah, unless they take those kits.

LIZ: Well, that's a person.

JULIAN: Well, that would be-- that would be taking a hostage.

PAZ: Okay, yeah.

JULIAN: Declaring that no quarter will be given, which they did at the gathering. So that was sort of a pre-war war crime.

PAZ: Really talented.

JULIAN: And then it just says "seriously violating the principles of distinction, proportionality, and military necessity." And I don't know what the fuck that means, but I think we can check it off.

PAZ: Yeah, I think they do that.

LIZ: It's quite a count already.

JULIAN: Yeah, they're not doing great.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: Yeah, this book also absolutely does not shy away from like death.

LIZ: Nuh-uh.

PAZ: Like on screen death too.

JULIAN: Onscreen death. Like very brutal onscreen death of like the elderly.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Right off the jump.

PAZ: Yeah, it's like, very soon after the chapter starts.

LIZ: Yeah, and the part where that one cat is trying to get at the the kits. That's very distressing. Like there is--

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Yeah.

LIZ: Like, whether it's for a hostage or just, you know, straight up child murder. There is definitely like the threat implied in a very effective way.

PAZ: Yeah, I mean, like, good job to the book for making like, a distressing battle scene. Like, because it did. It did. It was like, intense.

JULIAN: Yeah, yeah, I was watching a lot of Warrior Cats AMVs this afternoon. And a lot of the many great animators in the Warriors AMV community have really picked up on the style of the books, which is very bloody.

PAZ: Great, because that's important, essential aspect of the book. It's in the name.

JULIAN: Yep.

LIZ: Yeah, these are not peacetime cats.

JULIAN: No. These are... I am really glad that Yellowfang got to save the kits and redeem herself.

LIZ: Yay.

JULIAN: Good for her.

PAZ: She's so cool.

LIZ: She's the best.

JULIAN: She's so cool.

PAZ: Old, like badass lady. And then Bluestar is like, you're so cool, Yellowfang, haha, will you join my clan?

LIZ: What if we were both old lady cats and I asked you to join my clan? Haha, just kidding, unless.

PAZ: You should make an edit for that. Post to Twitter. I'm sad we don't get to see her fight on screen.

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Yeah, I would have liked that.

LIZ: It's a good moment to have it. We're almost at the end of-- we're like at the last quarter of the book?

PAZ: We're very-- more than a quarter.

LIZ: I don't know, I switch between like--

PAZ: I think we're about like 70% done, 75% done.

JULIAN: Let me see. We're 69.3% done.

PAZ: Oh nice, nice.

LIZ: Nice, nice.

PAZ: I did write down, "all these cats are dying. Just go live inside, idiots." Which, I'm like reading these horrible battle scenes. And I'm like, if you were just kittypets, you wouldn't have to deal with any of this shit. No rats. No cat murder.

JULIAN: It's true. No one is gonna tear your throat out if you just live here.

LIZ: Just Temptations and cushions.

JULIAN: If you live in my house on the heated bed I bought.

PAZ: I was absolutely right about the Lionheart death flag.

LIZ: Uh-huh.

PAZ: Fucking typed it. I was like, wow, I called it.

LIZ: What was it that Graypaw said before they left, like I will always remember what you taught me.

PAZ: Yeah, it's like, exactly. I was like, this is a little...

JULIAN: Like, oh, good job, Graypaw. You doomed him.

LIZ: Just start--

PAZ: I wonder-- Oh, go ahead.

LIZ: No, just start saying shit like that every time you say bye to anyone. Like I will always [dissolving into laughter] remember you.

PAZ: Oh no.

JULIAN: You just never thank your mentor. That way he'll never die.

PAZ: Yeah, I do wonder if Tigerclaw-- I assume Tigerclaw murdered him as well. Or rather than it being a happy accident, but I don't know.

JULIAN: I also assume that. I don't think there's any way that, given Tigerclaw's significant looks at Ravenpaw, that Lionhart died of ShadowClan-related causes.

PAZ: Well, I assume that significant looks are just still like Redtail-related like, don't give out my secret, but it would really suck for Tavenpaw if he had to watch this, like, shitty guy kill another person.

JULIAN: He has so many traumas.

PAZ: Poor Ravenpaw.

LIZ: Ravenpaw's just Hamlet but like without any... He's not angry. He's just sad.

JULIAN: Well, he's like, he's Hamlet. But he also like he doesn't have any of the doubt.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: He just saw it happen.

PAZ: You know that video of the guy yelling at the cat in the store, like I'm gonna get you out of there? That's me with Ravenpaw.

LIZ: Ravenpaw, come into my house. [everyone laughing]

JULIAN: Yeah.

LIZ: Get a Temptations every other day. I think that's-- I don't know what's healthy to give cats. Like what's the rate of Temptations?

PAZ: Probably not too many.

JULIAN: I feel like you can get them like a treat a day.

LIZ: Yeah.

PAZ: One treat.

LIZ: You'll get a Temptations every day.

JULIAN: I don't know, though, cause last time we went to the vet, the vet said we had to feed Chickpea less, so my calibration may be off.

PAZ: Tigerclaw's really setting Ravenpaw up to take the fall.

LIZ: Mm-hmm.

PAZ: And I don't know why anyone would believe him because that's like a young adult. That's like a-- that's like if you were pointing at like a high school senior and being like, they committed these war crimes, not me.

LIZ: They killed the vice president and the other vice president.

PAZ: And now that I'm vice president, that means nothing. It was this teenager.

JULIAN: Well, it's also a teen that he's responsible for. Like if your apprentice grows up and becomes like a conniving little shit, isn't that partly your fault? Like, if you're so mean to your apprentice that he runs into the welcoming arms of ShadowClan, which he didn't, but like if he had.

PAZ: Yeah, I wouldn't blame him.

JULIAN: You know, I think I think it's a little bit on you.

PAZ: Yeah. Where is the accountability in like this mentorship program?

LIZ: He's not even--

JULIAN: The unpaid internship.

LIZ: Ravenpaw's not even that conn-- he's just like, terrified so he doesn't talk to anybody.

JULIAN: Yeah. But like, Tigerclaw is making him out to be this like, big sneaky, you know,basically being like, all these things that I did, this person that I am, that's Ravenpaw.

PAZ: The fact that he already has like lackeys, is like so much. Tigerclaw does. But it seems like he's like lying to them versus them knowing he's trying to do a weird takeover.

JULIAN: Yeah, I mean, I think Longtail at least, it was like, easily persuaded to to believe in like, this secret outside conspiracy because he was the one who attacked Firepaw at the beginning.

PAZ: Yeah. Didn't we read the other day that Longtail is Ravenpaw's like, sibling?

JULIAN: Oh, you're right.

LIZ: That sucks.

JULIAN: I think he's his half-sibling. That sucks.

LIZ: Aww, Ravenpaw.

PAZ: Man.

LIZ: He's getting like a really raw deal.

PAZ: He really is. If the book was from his perspective, it would be so sad.

LIZ: My sibling hates me enough to conspire against me. Or at least believe that I'm a terrible murderer.

JULIAN: Poor little guy.

LIZ: My mentor hates my guts and also is trying to frame me for murder.

PAZ: Yeah, and it takes Firepaw so long to figure out what's happening.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: It has to be explicitly spelled out for him.

PAZ: Yeah, literally.

JULIAN: Like, he doesn't figure shit out.

PAZ: Yeah, Ravenpaw just says something and then he overhears it.

LIZ: Firepaw is so very dumb.

PAZ: It's so funny too, because Yellowfang has like a section where she's praising him for being clever. And I'm like, Yellowfang, he's so stupid. There's nothing going on upstairs.

LIZ: It's air. It's just fluff.

JULIAN: Is Firepaw a himbo? The greatest thread.

LIZ: Since we're talking about Ravenpaw too, the part where later on Bluestar asks him to go train with her alone, where no one's gonna bother them. And he's like, I should tell her about Ravenpaw and Tigerclaw. And he's like I should tell her. I should tell her, and he just forgets.

JULIAN: He was too overwhelmed by her girl boss, uh. Her girlboss nature.

LIZ: It's very overwhelming, true.

JULIAN: I do think like Tigerclaw appointing bodyguards to-- "bodyguards," quote unquote, to like, prevent anyone from ratting on him, was a very savvy move, even though it's like patently evil. It was smart.

PAZ: He's a decent conniving villain for a kids' book in which the protagonist is very stupid and doesn't realize what's going on.

LIZ: And just forgets key points.

PAZ: He has a little cat brain. How's he supposed to remember all that?

LIZ: His friend's gonna die! Okay, but yeah, the guard thing is like very smart. Feels really ominous too because like there's an extra layer of removal of Bluestar from like everyone else.

PAZ: Yeah, he's like already like, taking over like public power by, like putting her behind a wall, essentially.

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Security theater baby.

PAZ: Yeah, there's also like another like thread of-- I mean, like the continuing thread of intrigue with like what happened with Yellowfang and ShadowClan because she kind of drops more like, oh, everything was fine till Brokenstar was leader. So that's also a mystery we have going on.

LIZ: Um, yeah, there's a cute section when she's talking about like what ShadowClan used to be like. And I think she and Firepaw are like joking about like, who replaced her as the medicine cat, and she's like, oh, not Runningnose.

PAZ: Yeah, like, he can't even cure his own cold. It's cute.

LIZ: Hey, maybe it's allergies. Don't be mean. Cats get allergies.

PAZ: Cats also get chronic infections.

LIZ: That's what Oliver has, right?

JULIAN: Especially if they live in the outdoors and won't visit the vet.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: Like, wow, a whole bunch of nonvaccinated, fighting cats on the brink of starvation all the time feel sick. No shit.

JULIAN: It's okay though. They have berries.

PAZ: Why are they doing that? Go inside.

JULIAN: I do have a-- when Darkstripe tells Firepaw that he can't go roll in the garlic, which is just really funny as a premise. But also, Firepaw like mutters under his breath, "Dirtstripe," which is such a teen thing to do.

PAZ: Got them.

LIZ: Owned, wow.

JULIAN: It's such like a shitty little teen move. It's really fun.

PAZ: It's very funny.

LIZ: You're not my real dad, Darkstripe. I will roll in the garlic if I want to. God.

PAZ: Do we think rolling in garlic has any medical backing, or?

LIZ: Smelly.

PAZ: Cause it's very funny.

LIZ: Smelly cat.

JULIAN: So garlic is-- like I don't know about the greens of it, but like garlic bulbs are antibacterial, like slightly.

PAZ: Oh, okay.

JULIAN: Which is why, like if you have a throat infection, sometimes like doing like a garlic rinse can be sort of helpful.

PAZ: Good to know.

JULIAN: Not a doctor, not a doctor. But yeah, I think that's where they're getting that.

LIZ: Just like the picture of like this. Like Firepaw at this point is like, not an adult but like the kind of teen cat that's all like gangly, I bet.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: And just picturing that like having a fun time in some garlic is so good to me.

PAZ: I do love it. [inaudible] a good picture of these little cats doing stuff.

LIZ: He's a garlic boy.

JULIAN: And then he overhears a conspiracy.

PAZ: Yeah, very very classic of the villains to just openly talk about their evil moves.

JULIAN: Well, they said no one could leave so I'm sure it'll be fine.

PAZ: Yeah. I mean, I don't-- I think, I mean that covers everything.

JULIAN: I have just, uh, "that'll go well" about him going to talk to Bluestar.

PAZ: Yeah, Firepaw, I think you might also get blamed.

LIZ: God.

JULIAN: Yeah, all is not well in the kingdom of ThunderClan.

PAZ: No.

LIZ: I'm still just a little like, aghast that he does, he just forgets. I know she's the most amazing girl boss you've ever seen. But oh my god.

PAZ: It's fine. He's--

JULIAN: He's just a stupid little boy.

LIZ: I know. He's orange too. He's a little orange cat, you know.

PAZ: Yeah, he's gonna go work on it now. It'll be fine.

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Bless him.

PAZ: Should we move on?

LIZ: Yes.

PAZ: Maybe get some levity after the war crimes chapter.

LIZ: So we've returned to wikiHow, a wonderful font of knowledge and activity. And this article is called "How to host a Warrior Cats themed birthday party." Who's birthday is coming up in June so, a little...

PAZ: Mine's in August.

JULIAN: Mine's in July. Lotta summer babies here.

LIZ: Well, we got time to prep then.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: Yeah. I want to note that this was last updated June 20, 2020. There are 26 co-authors.

LIZ: Oh my god.

PAZ: And 42,000 views. So you know this is a good, good peer-reviewed article.

LIZ: Yeah, let me give you the blurb that will entice everyone in. "Do you sleep, dream, smell, and eat Warriors? Do you want to have a party sleepover for your birthday based on the books? Well, this guide to a snappy party is a great idea." It's also available to download as a PDF just so you know, in case you need it.

JULIAN: Oh good, so you can print it out.

PAZ: Yeah, and check it off.

LIZ: And you know, in the wikiHow to set up their beautiful, beautiful illustrations that-- I don't know, is it legal for us to post wikiHow images?

PAZ: I don't know.

JULIAN: Yeah, they're public domain.

PAZ: I mean, they're all traced, so really, how can they get on our case?

JULIAN: I'm really pretty sure they're Creative Commons. I think we're good.

LIZ: Yeah. Okay, so let's plan. "One, make sure your parents agree." So, let's go check.

[laughter]

PAZ: Uh....

JULIAN: Wait, I need to call my dad. Why does-- I just want to describe to our listeners, um, the parent in this image has the largest nose I have ever seen.

PAZ: You could land the plane on that.

JULIAN: It's like, you know the phrase, a ski jump nose. This is a ski jump.

LIZ: Because we're seeing the back of his head so it's the perspective, that's all. This is a front nose on--

JULIAN: It looks like a Hershey's Kiss is stuck on his face.

LIZ: This young man asking his parent for permission looks very smug, too, so I think he got a yes on that. "Step two, start planning early."

JULIAN: Oh, we're doing step two.

PAZ: Well, we are, because we're all summer birthdays.

LIZ: There's a picture of a person looking very determined, with a little three mouth. And that's because this is about cats. "Invite a couple of people to the party. See if they like the idea of having a Warrior Cats theme." Okay, well, I don't know whose birthday we're actually celebrating, so we're all invited in a circle.

JULIAN: There we go.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: You guys okay with the theme?

PAZ: I love it.

JULIAN: Yes.

LIZ: Wonderful, wonderful. Okay, we're getting to the meaty part of things. "Part two: decorations." Now to just give you a word picture of what's going on, there's a sort of cushion bench chair thing, covered in sticks and leaves. The floor is also covered in leaves. The wallpaper has grass on it. There are paw prints on the wallpaper and the floor. There is a separate panel of just a spider web, with a spider in it. And there's another panel of some-- seaweed?

PAZ: It's vines.

LIZ: Vines.

JULIAN: The green silk or fabric.

LIZ: Does anyone else want to have a have a stab at reading this? It's very good.

JULIAN: Sure. "First, decorate. Before your guests arrive, decorate your houses with posters, paw prints, and anything else that will complement the theme. If you have any party games, make sure you have anything you need for those games. Instead of decorating the whole room, make a fort and say it's the den, and fill the blanket draped chairs with the items suggested. To make it even more forest like, you could use camouflage blankets and cover them with sticks and leaves, if strong enough."

I'm not sure if that's the sticks, or the blanket. "Take out spider webs from Halloween and decorate a few corners with the spider webs. Cover doorways with green silk or fabric, and cut some of the fabric into slivers, making a vine-themed door entranceway."

LIZ: Finally a use for my green silk.

JULIAN: I'm just, if I were an adult and my kid is like, I want to have a Warriors-themed birthday party, I'd be like, Oh, sweet. That sounds fun. And then they brought a bunch of sticks and leaves into my house, I would not be thrilled.

PAZ: Yeah, it doesn't specify like fake sticks and leaves. I think it just means you're, like, go out into your garden.

LIZ: That's authentic to the books. You have to.

JULIAN: It is.

LIZ: This also sounds like something a kid would absolutely do.

PAZ: Absolutely.

JULIAN: Oh, step two. "Make each room a den." They have suggestions for each of the rooms. How many rooms do they think your house has, cause this is a lot. They have a kit's room with pillows and stuffed animals, and spiderwebs scrunched into soft play balls, which apparently is a thing that kits play with.

LIZ: Aw.

JULIAN: A warriors den, a leaders den for the largest, least occupied room. An apprentice den, "which can be made just like the warriors den, but larger, and less comfortable." [laughter]

"Make the medicine cat's den. Outside, in the kitchen, or by a window would be the best place, because there are plants you can use to heal. For the comfort of the person who volunteers to be the medicine cat, place down multiple blankets on top of one another, to get that carpet effect, just like inside. Use a brown or blue tarp to make a ceiling, and add cozy green spiderweb beds, and the best pillows you got. Offer spoons, forks, sticks, and ground-like bowls to be able to make the treatments. To ensure your medicine cat is comfy and not lonely, ask a friend to be the apprentice of the medicine cat." Yeah, it would suck to be the medicine cat.

PAZ: So is everyone separating into their room and not interacting? Is this how the birthday party goes?

JULIAN: They have instructions for making the High Rock, and a fresh kill pile. Um.

LIZ: We should--

JULIAN: And then we get to games.

LIZ: We should describe the fresh kill pile.

PAZ: It's very good.

JULIAN: Oh yeah, you're right, I'm sorry.

LIZ: It is a cardboard tree stump drawn pretty well and also shaded, and some green pillows surrounding it, and a bunch of stuffed animals. There is a panda, a teddy bear, a lion, some sort of pink horse thing, and a monkey. You know, regular parts of a cat diet.

PAZ: And the final step in the decoration part is, "decorate the forest, or, quote, 'forest'. Your outside or quote, 'forest' can be a room decorated with cardboard cutouts of trees, spiderwebs, and badger holes. Under furniture you can place a skunk, or borrowed stuffed animal, green moss, or a fake river." I think you should just use the actual forest.

JULIAN: Yeah.

LIZ: What if we don't have a forest? What if you live in, say, just shot in the dark here, LA County, where--

PAZ: Don't.

LIZ: Okay.

PAZ: Problem solved.

LIZ: Everyone's telling me that lately.

JULIAN: Just move.

LIZ: [claps] All right, part three.

JULIAN: Part three is games, which is really important.

LIZ: One for the gamers here.

PAZ: Okay, "step one, welcome each guest, maybe with a dip of your head or a whisper of 'Welcome to the home of the clans.'"

JULIAN: The next picture. [dissolving into shriek-laughter]

PAZ: The art for this is extremely good as well. So we have-- it's featuring that beautiful green silk vine curtain from before. And in front of it is a girl, in like-- doing that like butler pose, where it's like, come in, sir. Except she's wearing a black t-shirt, and nothing else except a black bow tie and a cat ears headband with cat face paint.

LIZ: She also has these um, these side bangs that are very like 2010-specific. Maybe earlier.

JULIAN: I was specifically losing my shit over the next picture, for "start with some roleplay."

LIZ: This is our new header image.

JULIAN: Which features some incredibly drawn visitors who have attended this party, all wearing all black, all wearing those same drawn on whiskers. There's some really interesting things happening with their faces. And the girl in the back is on all fours.

LIZ: She's doing it right.

JULIAN: She is, she's--

PAZ: Dedicated to her role.

JULIAN: "Once everyone has arrived, why not pretend to be warrior cats?"

Why not?

"Everyone could be one RP character-- roleplay-- and one real warrior. If you have the time, you could make name badges." So you have the time to spray paint spider webs green to make moss, but you couldn't make name badges? So everyone can remember who Pinestar is?

PAZ: You hit the deadline.

LIZ: Is that a soap? It sounds like soap.

PAZ: It really does. Moving on to step three of games, "have a hunting party. People can hide stuffed animals while others try to find a stuffed animal with a number they were assigned to written on a card around their neck."

JULIAN: I like the next one a lot.

PAZ: Yeah, we can just move on to four.

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Sorry, the art for number three for having a hunting party is very good. It's a child with a cat hat, just really smirking.

LIZ: At a little giraffe stuffed animal.

JULIAN: But game number four, "have a twisted version of egg toss."

PAZ: Welcome to my twisted mind.

JULIAN: "Have everyone pair up and give each pair a spoon. Fill water balloons up with dyed water." Nothing to do with cats.

PAZ: That's so twisted.

LIZ: What's the catness?

PAZ: Uh, you know. Self-explanatory.

JULIAN: You know, cats.

PAZ: Number five, "come up with a collect a resource game. In this game, each den will be removed of its items and hidden among the forest. Teams assigned to each den must collect the items and amount wanted. Give them a checklist to cross off items safely brought back to the den. The first to bring back and arrange the interior like before everything was pooled will get prized with an extra piece of fresh kill and a new piece of bedding from leftover pieces not collected."

LIZ: The image for this is--

JULIAN: My favorite part of a birthday party, resource management.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: Can we--

JULIAN: Sorry Liz, please describe the image.

LIZ: Yeah, it is a picture of four people. There is a just a camping tent and two of the black jumpsuited cat headband ear wearing people are sneaking into it, while two other people in just shorts and shirts, holding a giant caterpillar and different colored hats of of cat like description are walking away totally unaware. I think this is a war crime. This is looting, I think.

JULIAN: Oh, you're right, this is looting. This is pillaging.

LIZ: War crime. Number five, commit some war crimes.

PAZ: Yeah. Gotta be accurate. Number six, "play pin the tail on the warrior. Select a cat from one of the books and make a large cardboard cutout of this cat, and make its tail separately. Put a pin or tack on it to make it stick to the back of the cat." Now which cat do we want to do this to?

LIZ: Longtail. Obviously.

PAZ: Haha, No-tail. [laughter] Got 'em.

JULIAN: How long until Firestar-- sorry, Firepaw does that?

LIZ: In the heat of battle, haha, No-tail.

PAZ: Number seven, "do some more evening activities. Once you've eaten, maybe you could play some Warrior Cat games with your friends on the Internet. In the evening, have a mini battle– doesn't have to last long– and then a gathering, if your party is on a full moon. Lucky you. Otherwise, make an exception just for the party." Well, there are many Warrior Cats games to play with your friends on the internet. So great suggestion.

LIZ: Start a podcast. That's a game, basically.

JULIAN: There you go. That's a game. That's a game that keeps on giving.

PAZ: Number eight, "sleep over, if that's part of the plan. Not all birthday parties need to be sleepovers, but they can be lots of fun. In the morning, depending on the time you wake up, you could play some party games or read books and have breakfast." This does picture people sleeping outside in a tent. Should we move on to part four?

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Yes.

PAZ: Food.

LIZ: Okay, so step one of food is "make dinner Warrior Cats themed too. When it's time for dinner, call it fresh kill instead, and ask everyone what they would like. Obviously don't really serve mice at the table. Think of something everyone would enjoy, maybe something fresh, like a pizza you can have delivered to your house." So, this is the--

PAZ: Same thing.

LIZ: The image is the previous fresh kill image from before, with all the stuffed animals, but, um, the children are sitting and having a great time with pizza, just chomping down. Makes me, you know, makes me think we should do this.

PAZ: They have more suggestions for food in step two.

LIZ: Okay, "provide lots of meaty foods. Food is fresh kill warriors, so you must get something close to meats, Think, think, think. Have meat skewers, steak, meatballs, pepperoni, salami, and hamburgers. Anything with tasty meat will do. If you have a vegetarian, then offer veggie patties, cheese, and anything that sticks to the theme."

PAZ: Wait, why does cheese stick to the theme?

JULIAN: How does cheese...

LIZ: Wait.

JULIAN: You know. Fresh killed cheese.

PAZ: I mean my cat right now is extremely into eating cheese, so I guess...

LIZ: Yeah, see, it's accurate. The image for this is just some food. There are kebabs. You know, like cats enjoy. Just like a whole steak, you know, like children should have. A very smooth sliced hot dog, and just a burger. Just a burger with the cheese on entirely different levels of the burger, which is new to me. Like there's multiple cheese. Okay.

JULIAN: My favorite image is--

LIZ: In three.

JULIAN: Step 3, the birthday cake.

LIZ: Yes. "Get a birthday cake. The best birthday cake can have something printed on it, such as the cover of your favorite book from the Warriors series, or a map of the territory. Some local businesses in your city may offer custom cakes. Even better as some may even be able to design a 3D landscape." That is not what's on this cake that they've shown us and--

PAZ: It's a beautiful cake. It's so good.

LIZ: It's so much better. Yeah, it's a round yellow cake with just a little-- like just a huge cat face on top of it, and a candle. It's very happy looking. And then there's like little black and white cat silhouettes like around it.

PAZ: I want this to be my cake.

LIZ: It could be.

PAZ: It's so good.

JULIAN: It's so good.

PAZ: The face on top is so good.

LIZ: Beautiful. What flavor do you think it is?

PAZ: Um, red velvet because it's red inside like fresh kill.

LIZ: Got it.

JULIAN: Oh, we don't have to go through the whole Q&A but the first one is I think very important. Um, "what do I have for food if I have a vegan friend?" And the answer is, "provide berries and greens for them to eat. Warrior cats use them for medicinal purposes, but you can pretend they are an elder or a sick cat."

PAZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: If you're vegan, you're old or sick. "You can also just ask your vegan friend what they like to eat and provide that." Yeah, I would go with that one, animebread.

LIZ: That's exactly the answer you'd--

JULIAN: wikiHow user anime bread.

PAZ: Here's another question, "how do I not be embarrassed about my Warrior Cat party?"

LIZ: Aw.

JULIAN: Aw.

PAZ: "It's a decision you make just not to care what others think. Of course, if you're selective about who you invite, you'll be less embarrassed. Invite friends who will enjoy this kind of party." If your friends have a problem with your Warrior Cat party, then they're fake. They're fake friends.

LIZ: Okay, these questions are really good. I have one more. "What if my friends make up unreal Warrior Cat names such as Fluffyhead?" This is a community answer. "Just tell them that it makes no sense, or provide everyone with a name badge at the start of the party using names you've chosen. Of course it's important that everyone have a good time, so it's fine to loosen the rules a little bit for your friends."

JULIAN: God.

PAZ: Isn't there a canonical cat Fuzzy-- like Fuzzypelt?

LIZ: Yeah, that's--

JULIAN: There is, yeah.

PAZ: I would say Fluffyhead is accurate.

LIZ: Yeah, he's like Ravenpaw's dad. That's like an immediate connection.

PAZ: I think Fluffyhead is a perfect name, and if you come to my Warrior Cat party, you can have that name.

LIZ: Oh, there's some tips and warnings.

JULIAN: Oh good.

LIZ: The best one from tips to me is "ask older siblings to be rouges." Not rogues, rouges, "who hate the Clans. Maybe they could get their friends to help making a rouge group."

JULIAN: You know what I love about a birthday party, built in bullying.

LIZ: For your older siblings specifically.

JULIAN: The warning about, "make sure everyone is comfortable with the battles, or anything else you may be doing," and then "make sure nobody gets hurt."

LIZ: Very important.

PAZ: That's good advice all around.

LIZ: Yeah, So we've got three months till any birthdays happen. Better get planning. I wanna see those cardboard cutouts.

JULIAN: We got time to plan.

LIZ: Just ready.

PAZ: I'm going to give this five stars.

JULIAN: Do we each have to provide our own?

LIZ: Communal effort, you know. They have the fresh kill pile, we have the freshly made and painted cardboard scenery pile. This made me want pizza. That one person in the corner on the right, eating that pizza at the Warrior Cats party is just having the best time I think.

PAZ: Yeah, I could go for some pizza too.

JULIAN: Well, is that it for us?

PAZ: Yeah, I mean, we covered the war crimes and we covered the party, and I think that's all. So, thanks everyone for joining us again this week. May StarClan light your path. [outro music begins] Bye.

LIZ: Bye.

JULIAN: Bye.

[outro music ends]

PAZ: I'm gonna post some little Barley art. Very handsome.

LIZ: Love to see some Barley. Oh, he's a little cow.

PAZ: Black and white cat.

JULIAN: Aw, he's just a little guy.

PAZ: He is a little cow.

LIZ: I love that. Is this official?

PAZ: Uh, no, this is Warrior-- he has official art but it's the weird manga art style that I--

LIZ: He deserves better than that.

PAZ: His pants.

LIZ: Oh my god, pants.

PAZ: Anyway, back to the rats.

JULIAN: Um, yeah, the rats, I guess it's like a sort of...

LIZ: Wait, I'm listening and I can't. It's gone. Sorry, Julian, Julian.

#into the wild ep #transcript #ep 04 #purr-fidy