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blu-archer · 2 years

Text

Prescription: Rest with a side of love

It's been a while... forgive me? 🖤

[based on a post I saw months ago - it's really taken me that long to write guys, what is this world..]

[part 1]

Pairing: Yoongi/Jimin/Hoseok

m/m/m

Sickie:Jm

Caregiver: Taekook [for now]

snz/sickfic

Enjoy...🖤

“Please tell me you have tissues?”

Jungkook blinked – whatever he’d been about to type to Taehyung a second before was forgotten at his fingertips. He turned to look at the bedraggled appearance of his best friend, a look more tailored towards what Jungkook himself usually embraced as the elder tended to be a lot more conscious of his appearance and presentation, especially when hanging around campus.

Jungkook had barely registered the innocent question he’d been blindsided with. Jimin had appeared out of thin air, which was even harder to believe considering how Jimin’s classes weren’t anywhere close to his own, not to mention that the elder was almost twice his usual size because of the thick, padded clothes he had on. That, and the fact that he just looked like a walking disaster. Jungkook hadn’t seen his hyung at their apartment that morning – he’d had to meet a tutor before his unfortunate 8am class, and even if he had managed the rare miracle of seeing either of his flatmates up and functioning before 9, he definitely wouldn’t have been awake enough to be able to realise it – but from the mess of tangled blonde hair and the rosy sheen on Jimin’s cheeks Jungkook was certain that something was wrong.

Jimin rested his head on his arms, folding onto the table that Jungkook had been sitting at studying for the past 2 hours and gave a miserably deep, muffled moan that made Jungkook wince and pat at his back in sympathy.

“Sorry, Hyung… I didn’t bring any with me today.” He frowned at the answering moan, whinier than before. “Are you feeling okay? I thought you had studio classes now? What are you even doing on this side of campus?”

Jimin pushed himself upright and rubbed tenderly at his nose with a sleeved wrist. Jungkook had a feeling that the elder must have resorted to his sleeves some time ago if his reddened nose and the dark splotches on the fabric had anything to say about it.

“I’m sick. My throat was sore yesterday, and I was a little stuffed up this morning, so I thought maybe I was getting a cold. Which, usually, I could push through in my classes, but my 10am nailed me hard and my whole body just feels heavy and achy. I barely had the energy to walk here, I can't even imagine dancing right now... This is actually starting to feel like the flu.” He sniffled wetly, then winced before angling his body away from Jungkook. “Sorry, I probably shouldn’t be near you right now. I just saw you sitting here, and I still have an hour before the bus gets here.”

"We live together, hyung. It's fine." Jungkook smiled softly, before a sinking feeling settled in his chest at Jimin's last words. “The bus?”

Well that made sense as to why he was so close to the Science department then. Although Jungkook couldn’t imagine why he would want to get a bus back home. It was usually overcrowded, and he’d still have to walk ten minutes from the stop to their complex ,which wasn’t something Jimin enjoyed on the best of days. He shook off Jimin’s attempt at shielding him and slid the iced coffee he’d been sipping on for the last twenty minutes across the table. He may have momentarily forgotten about it and it had become slightly watered down, but he doubted Jimin would complain about a free drink if his throat was hurting.

“Why don’t you get one of your boyfriends to pick you up? Or your brother?”

“My brother has an exam and Yoongi and Hobi are still in Daegu. They’re only planning on getting back in like a week or two.” Jimin shrugged with a punctuated sniffle and accepted the drink, lifting the cup to press the cool side of it to his cheek. He let out a soft breath that deepened Jungkook’s frown. “I haven’t even called them in a few days. There’s just no time… God, I just want to go to sleep. I feel like I’ve never had decent sleep in my life. I actually haven’t slept properly since Yoongi and Hoseok left. And my practises aren’t going as well as I want them to.”

“Exam season has been particularly rough this time round.” Jungkook agreed softly, not being able to relate exactly but sympathising with Jimin’s exasperated tone anyway.

He hadn’t even met the ‘boyfriends’ yet, always too busy, but Tae had and from the stories he had told Jungkook and teased Jimin about, the older two men seemed to be extremely caring and loving towards Jimin, not to mention Jimin was completely whipped for the two even after only a few months of dating. A part of him felt a little guilty at not having noticed his friend's lack of sleep, but to be fair, he wasn’t getting that many hours in either, so he probably wasn't noticing a lot. But surely his boyfriends would be able to lift Jimin’s mood even without being present. The elder had always revelled in attention, even if it wasn’t directly physical or overbearing.

“… Maybe you should give them a call when you get back home? Or a text at least. I won’t be back until late and I think Tae is planning to work on his exhibition with a few of his classmates. So we can’t even try to help out with stuff right now… Talking to them at least might help, you know?”

“Mmm,” Jimin sniffled quietly but persistently as he finally sipped the coffee, slumping back over the table tiredly. “This day has been such a waste. I’m so behind on my final choreo, and I was supposed to help this freshman that’s in my tutorial class tomorrow. God, I don’t even know if I’m going to be able to pitch up to tutor my class this week. I can’t believe this happened… I took so many vitamins.”

Jungkook tried to swallow his laughter at his friend's words. Leave it to the dancer to believe that would be what saved him from Finals Flu. Jimin hid his face into his arms with a muffled whine, the pitch enticing a few annoying coughs out that shook his frame. Jungkook reached out and sunk his fingers into his friend's hair, gently scratching at his scalp until Jimin’s breathing evened out again.

“I’m going to message Tae and see if he can drop you off at home, I don’t think you should take the bus right now. You feel a little warm and no one’s home to make sure you get there okay.”

The only answer he got was Jimin blindly pressing the barely cool cup back to his face, his forehead resting almost entirely on the table. Jungkook would have warned against it because, A] it looked like it had gone through multiple food wars and B] was probably riddled with germs, but it felt a bit too ironic in this case.

“Hang tight, hyung.” Jungkook brushed through the messy blonde hair again as he drew attention to his forgotten phone, Taehyung’s last stupid meme still staring at him in the open chat. “You’ll feel better soon.”

“Jiminie… You need to help me out a little here, okay?” Taehyung grunted as he shifted Jimin in his arms.

He almost regretted having encouraged Jimin to sleep in the car when they had hit traffic. Climbing the flight of stairs leading up to their apartment was a challenge without having to carry dead weight and Jimin’s sleepy clinging was really narrowing down his movement. Taehyung was silently cursing himself for not accepting his friends offer to help bring Jimin up, but he doubted his flatmate would appreciate someone he didn’t know helping him walk home, so he’d just have to rely on any muscle he had gained from carrying around easels and canvas’ [and that one day that Jimin and Jungkook had convinced him that gym would be fun].

He stumbled on the final step and would have dropped Jimin if the elder hadn’t hugged him tighter, his cold, sniffling nose pressing hard against Taehyung's collarbone.

“I can’t believe you made me carry you.” Tae huffed as they got to their door. He pressed Jimin up against the wall, angling his body in a way to still keep Jimin aloft while he managed to slip his keys into the door and opened it.

“You offered.” Jimin murmured, rubbing his nose against Tae’s skin with a hope to quell the tickle that had started to rise ever since he’d gotten in the car.

“I guess I did.” Tae huffed out a laugh and slipped his arms under Jimin’s thighs before gripping him sturdily and walking into their home. “Don’t you dare sneeze on me, we can’t be friends if you do that.”

“Liar.”

Fair enough. They had known each other and lived together too long to actually be bothered by stuff like that at this point, it had happened too often in the past anyway – mostly his own fault – so it made sense that his threat was discarded so easily. Taehyung took quick, shaky strides into their cramped home towards their trusty, beaten up couch and dropped Jimin just as his arms gave out, almost collapsing on top of his friend from the momentum.

He gave an exaggerated sigh, shaking his head with a low chuckle as Jimin moaned and curled into the lumpy seat. Choosing to cuddle into the hoodie Jungkook had left there the day before rather than continue clinging to Tae, mumbling a deep curse at being dropped that felt about as harsh as being hit with a soft, downy pillow. Taehyung chuckled as he straightened his shirt and caught his breath, moving quickly to their bathroom to see if they had any medication.

“Tae…” Jimin called, his voice a bit hoarser than earlier that he couldn’t completely blame on sleep. “Taaeee…”

“Yeeesss?”

“Bring a blanket, please.”

There was some distant shuffling as the artist continued his search. Jimin took the time to kick off his shoes and adjust to a more comfortable position, which was a feat in itself on that couch. His body, which had been aching before, was now numbingly heavy. His thoughts were clouded and the insistent tickle in his sinuses was yet to leave him in peace. The room seemed to be freezing, even in his padding of clothes, but when Taehyung reemerged with two medicine bottles and his own weighted blanket, he appeared unaffected. So it must just be Jimin then.

"You don't share this one." Jimin stated as Tae forced him out of his jacket before draping the red blanket over him and tucking it in.

"Mmm, but maybe it will help you sleep. I know you kind of like the pressure on you as well." Taehyung brushed the hair back off of Jimin's face, smiling as his best friend melted into the touch. "There is some stuff you need to take as well. We don't have much, but it's enough for now. I'll try to get home earlier than I planned, or I'll call in a delivery. Delivery might be best, I can't cook anything edible anyways."

Jimin started to deny the claim, Taehyung really did try and sometimes it wasn't half bad, but his breath stuttered off into an abrupt, throat paining sneeze.

"Ow…." He sniffled, shifted to release his arm from the blanket and pressed the sleeve of his shirt to his nose, already feeling more coming.

"Bless you." Tae pouted, disappearing for a moment then emerging from Jungkook’s room with a box of tissues. "I need to go, but take some medicine and go to bed, okay? Or stay here, whatever makes you happy. I'll send food later."

Jimin nodded, gearing up for another sneeze that annoyingly just wouldn't surface completely. Taehyung called out a final goodbye and then Jimin was left by himself. No matter how much he rubbed at his nose or stared at the sunlight streaming through their windows, the tickle kept ebbing off just as he thought he'd finally get it out. It was driving him insane.

Immensely frustrated, he grappled for the tissues to blow his nose. Proceeding to blow through 4 or 5 before he finally hitched his breath enough to catch a fit of itchy, damp sneezes into a tissue. Not that the tissue lasted long but it had helped a little. He plucked a few more tissues from the box, which surely would be finished by the end of the day, and blew his nose a final time before wiping his hands.

He dropped the mess he'd created to the floor, a miniature pile of white beginning to grow. Then pushed himself up right, increasing the ever constant sniffling that he had been struggling with the whole day so far. The medicine was generic for colds and flu, and surely with how often the three roommates relied on it they must be building up some type of tolerance, but it was all that they had and was definitely the more affordable brand for broke students.

Foregoing a spoon for the syrup mixture, Jimin sipped it twice before switching to the next and dry swallowing the pain tablet in the other bottle. It was a bit painful with how his throat flared, he probably should have swallowed the tablet first, but his head wasn't working properly. The sleep in the car had only made him more groggy than what he had been already, and the sneezing was definitely knocking some brain cells. Or at the very least masking them to a point of non-existence.

He sunk back into his previous position, a fresh tissue pressed to his running nose as he panted warm breaths against his hand, somehow the feeling only added to how disgusting he was feeling. A part of him vaguely remembered Jungkook mentioning he should call his boyfriends, that part of him really wanted to. Yoongi would shower him with deep, soft words that would make him melt, and Hoseok would surely try his best to give any and all care that he possibly could over a call, and that thought alone was almost enough to make Jimin reach for his phone. But they were visiting their families, he didn't want them to worry about him even if a large part of him really did actually want them to worry about him.

He couldn't be a burden. The two men worked hard at their jobs and often worked harder than they should in order to spend time with him together, and it wasn't often that they got to visit their parents and siblings at all. Usually just on main holidays.

So as much as he wanted to, and he really really wanted to, Jimin refused to make the call. He was tired anyway, and the weight of Taehyung's blanket was reassuring in its comfort. Jimin would text them later, hopefully feeling better, but for now he shut his heavy eyes and let the wave of fatigue paired with his medicine take over his body.

#platonic soulmates #university au #yoonseokmin #bts sickfic #bts snz #alternate universe #colds #dancer jimin #yoonsoek will be present next time #Taekook are good bestfriends #poly relationship #series #bts fanfic

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twinklelilstarkey · 3 years

Note

I absolutely LOVE your GoodGirlxBadGuy!Rafe and I have to ask. I would love love love if you could do something with JJ again, but like where the Good Girl asks Rafe to back down/do something for her & he does it & all of his friends or whoever is there is like woah. Sorry if this literally makes no sense. You do whatever you want with this. I don’t really know what I’m asking for, but you’re the bomb so I have faith you’ll make it amazing

A/N.: You absolutely do not need to worry about making sense in this blog. I will not ever judge anyone by what they write to me. I know how confusing it is to ask someone for a request, I’ve been there.

Soft [Part 1] - Rafe Cameron

Words: 3.6k+

Type: Fluff & Angst

Warnings: Swearing. Female!Reader. Rafe vs JJ. Annoying as all hell non canon JJ. Sorry, it had to happen. Bad boy x Good Girl trope.

DO NOT REPOST, REWRITE OR TRANSLATE ANY OF MY WORK!

You should read this before reading this imagine just for some context.

Part 2

Today is a beach day. Something you can never get enough off. Especially with your friends.

Rafe, like every other day of summer break, has only been able to get out of bed after midday, so let’s just say that you’re a little late.

All because, Mister Cameron thought yesterday was a good night to play COD with Topper and Kelce until 5.

You have been awake since at least 10am, and Rafe only let you get off bed at 10:30. His arms are like complete iron around you when in bed. It’s almost impossible to get out of there. “Almost” being the keyword.

You had your breakfast, put on your bikini/bathing suit and waited around the house for Rafe to get off his ass and start getting ready to leave.

You did try to pull him out of bed but to no avail, that man did not move a muscle.

And when he was out of bed, the clingiest person ever. You could be screaming in his ear that he needs to go get ready, since your friends are already waiting for him, but he does not even flinch.

Walking around your house with only boxers on, whining about not knowing what he wants for breakfast and then grabbing you out of nowhere and throwing onto the couch “to cuddle”, as he had said.

Your phone was already blowing up with messages from his and your friends, because they were already at the beach waiting since 11am.

An hour as passed and you’re only walking to the beach now. How amazing.

Rafe is not even half awake yet. Dark sun glasses hide his half open eyes, heavy with sleep, and you’re almost dragging him down the dirt path so he doesn’t fall to the side.

“You’re unbelievable” You giggle as he sighs dramatically at how much you still have to walk.

The walk wasn’t as bad as he thought. It just took you less than 5 minutes to get to your friends. But that isn’t going to make him stop whining about how tired he is.

“Look who decided to show up” Topper screams from the towels, drink on his hand, “What’s wrong with him?”

“I’m tired, leave me alone” He groans at his best friend, who completely ignored him.

You all walk closer to everyone’s towels. Your friends are all sun bathing, sitting up to greet you and Rafe, while his, are all at the water.

You give Rafe his towel and he’s quick to lay it on the ground and lay down, probably planning to go back to sleep as soon as he rested his head over the sad.

You, on the other end, took your sweet time with your towel and talking to your friends, siting away from the harsh light of the sun under the umbrella, just for now, right next to Rafe.

Rafe, sensing you close, lifts his head from his towel and decides to use your leg as his pillow instead. Not that you’re complaining, at least his head is not all that heavy.

You talk to your friends about everything and anything, and Rafe is more than asleep beside you in less than 5 minutes. Peacefully going into his dreams.

“Of course, they had to come to this beach” One of your friend comments, sitting up and bringing her glasses up to see whoever she’s talking about.

You follow his gaze to find none other than a group of Pogues, John B, Kiara, Pope and JJ. People you supposedly met at a party, but you do not remember of. You just remember Topper telling you to stay away from them the day after that.

“What’s so wrong about them?” Your other friend asks.

“They’re just not these guys’ favorites” She answers, pointing at Rafe and the vacant towels next to him, his friends’.

You decide not want to listen to anything else since it only sounds like trouble to you, and you look down at Rafe. Still fondly asleep, eyes closed and face squished on your leg.

You lay your hand over his head and, for your entertainment, you start playing with his hair.

The infamous group of Pogues scream something in the distance to each other, and you look up at them, seeing them all run to the water, leaving their things scattered around the sand. One of them stay behind, the girl. You assume, Kiara.

She starts picking all her friends’ stuff from the ground while shaking her head, putting them all in a pile before she starts taking off her clothes to join her friends in the water.

“Why the fuck are they here?” Kelce asks from in front of you.

He had just come back from the water, and you didn’t even notice him walking this way before his question.

“No idea” Your friend answers.

He lifts his eyebrows as if to not act annoyed and takes a look at the naked back of the man sleeping beside you.

A grin appears over his lips and he looks at you, he has a plan. Oh no.

“Has he been sleeping for long?” He asks you and you shake your head, not wanting to be caught talking in the alteration that is about to happen. “Good”

He reaches from his empty cup from the towel beside Rafe and does a run for it, going to fill his cup with the cold salted water before saying anything else.

He comes back not even a whole minute later with his cup filled to the brim, guilt eats you up inside slightly as you watch him, and as he gets close enough to do it, Rafe lifts his arm in the air.

“Don’t you dare” He groans.

Kelce looks at his half asleep friend in shock and Rafe turns his head to take a good look at him. The girls beside you fall into laughter, as you try to hold in your own.

“How did you even know?” Kelce asks in shock, eyes widen in shock.

Rafe turns on the towel, now laying in between your legs on his back, head resting a bit on one of your legs.

“I have super powers, remember?”

(...)

It has been an hour.

Rafe has already slept everything he needed and now he’s in the water with the guys. You, after much convincing, decided to stay with the girls instead.

You sip Rafe’s cold drink, which rests on your hand, and you try not to cringe at the taste of the alcohol.

Can he drink anything that does not have alcohol?

You were so distracted with the bright blue drink that you didn’t even notice who is walking right past you and your girls.

“Can we help you?” Your friend asks the pair.

Kiara, the only one you can identify by the name, is standing next to a guy. Someone you have no idea who it is. Is he JJ? John B? or Pope?

As they walk by the towels of all your friends, a few feet away, Kiara keeps looking at you.

“No, thank you” She answers, “We just someone we recognized. Y/N, right?” She asks pointing at you.

All your friends look at you confused and you look at her with no emotion that can explain anything to them.

“Yeah, that’s me” You answer.

Your tone was enough to make Kiara understand that you weren’t recognizing them as well as they recognized you.

“We met at last week’s party remember?” She asks, trying to help you out. “At the bonfire pogue and kook party?”

“I remember the party, but I... don’t really remember talking to you guys” You answer with a slight forced smile, “Sorry?”

“No need to apologize” The boy says, holding his hand up as if to dismiss you, “You probably were just a little too drunk than we were” He says as he sends a glare at Kiara, almost as if he was telling her to shut up.

You nod at the silence and your friends sense the tense air building up.

And the sight of all the guys coming back from the water isn’t making anything seem better either.

“Well, I believe you guys can go now” Your friend says, eyes hidden by her glasses as she steals glances at the guys to check how close they are.

“Yeah, we should” The guy says, grabbing the girl by the wrist.

You look over at the guys walking back to the towels and your heart speeds up slightly at the idea of this causing a scene. A violent one, to be more precise. Rafe is such in a good mood, you really don’t want anything to ruin that.

“Heyward and Carrera, what the hell are you two doing here?” Topper asks in a malicious playful tone as the pair walks away, or rather, as the supposed “Heyward” pulls Kiara away.

Your view of all the pair walking away is cut short as Rafe stands in front of your towel, catching your attention. He walks carefully between towels and takes a seat in front of your seated form, letting some cold droplets of water fall into your warm skin.

You hiss at how cold the water and your boyfriend are and he takes the drink from your hand with a cheeky smile on his face.

“Did you have fun?” You ask as you wipe the water from your skin.

“Sure did” He says before downing his whole drink in one go.

He looks back at you to find you frowning at him. The fact that you fought a whole cringe and body shiver with a small sip of that drink and Rafe just took it all in one swig is... concerning.

“What?” He chuckles, leaning in closer to you to be under the umbrella that is shielding you two from the sun.

“That was... disgusting” You say slowly with your frown and he chuckles.

He leans in quickly and steals a kiss, making you close your eyes for a bit. You don’t push him away, but it doesn’t take him long to pull away to look at you.

Some of the guys turn to look at you as they hear the sound of the kiss.

“Find a room, Jesus!” One of the guys screams with a playful tone, making the guys join as well.

“Every fucking time we go out” Topper joins in. “Always the same thing with the two of you” And also does Kelce.

You roll your eyes as Rafe laugh along with them.

Not too far from you, Pope and Kiara get back to their towels, one more visibly concerned than the other.

“Stop staring, JJ” Pope warns his friend.

“I’m not” The blonde says while looking away.

Kiara takes a seat with the boys.

“I still don’t see why they’re dating. She’s, like, the nicest person I know” Kiara groans, again, making the boys look at her.

“Did she say anything when you two went over there?” John B asks, thanking Pope, for the drink he gave him, right away.

“Yeah, she said she didn’t remember us. And it looked like she was saying the truth too. Her friends are just straight up garbage, though” Kiara explains, leaning against Pope.

“Maybe she really doesn’t remember us” Pope starts with a shrug, “And maybe, she’s actually happy with Rafe Cameron- Guys, this is ridiculous. Since when do we care about what the Kooks do with their lives?”

“This is all because JJ got a crush on her” John B says with a chuckle, gaining a glare from the blonde, “What, dude? It’s true. You always go for the most expensive and most difficult meat to get in the market. It’s your fault why we’re all doing spy work today”

“Whatever” JJ says while shaking his head.

(...)

“No, guys! This makes no sense, we need more people if we’re going to play like this” One of the guys’ says as everyone walks around and ducks under the net to move to the other side.

Everyone decided to do a game of volleyball not too long ago, but since the guys want to play with larger teams, and the girls’ smaller.

This is all taking way too long to decide.

Rafe has his arm over your shoulders, holding you close as everyone yells at each other about the rules and who is on what team.

“We have to separate the power couple. Ain’t no way I dealing with both with their result. I can hear so much whining from losing” Another guy yells while sending a look at the two of you, making you laugh beside Rafe.

“Okay. But you guys, ugh! We need at least 3 more people to play with us! Don’t you know math?!” A girl from your group screams.

“We can join”

Everyone shuts up and looks towards where that voice had just came from, behind you all.

Exactly where the certain group of Pogues are standing confidently. Well, all of them except for that “Heyward” kid. He really looks like he doesn’t want to be here.

You don’t judge him.

“Since when do you play volleyball, Maybank?” Topper asks the blonde guy from the group.

“I always played. You’re just not that acquittanced with all my skills” The guy answers, making Kelce laugh.

“Using big boy words, ugh, JJ? Since when did that happen?” Kelce butts in.

The blonde, you mean, JJ, ignores him.

“Are we playing or not?” He asks. Silence, “What? You’re scared of losing to a Pogue”

With that, JJ sends a quick glare over at Rafe, who seemed more than unfazed with all of this, having his fun with playing with the volleyball on one of his hands.

“Alright, who’s playing from your group?” One of your friends asks.

They split, Kiara steps forward, just like the other guy, a brunette.

“Okay, let’s do the teams then” Topper says, “Rafe. Give me the ball”

Rafe snaps back to reality and throws him the ball, letting his arm fall from your shoulders to your waist.

They spend a few minutes all discussing, which made you learn everyone’s names in Kiara’s and JJ’s group. The “Heyward” kid is Pope, who will not be playing but sitting on the sidelines, and the brunette kid is John B.

Everything makes sense now.

“Okay” Kelce announces, “Rafe let go of Y/N and go to the other side of the net” He starts, making the boy beside you scowl and take a step back. “John B go with him and...”

He names everyone, pointing at each one, and you stand with your team. The team that has both JJ and Kiara. Doesn’t seem all that bad. For now at least.

As everyone scattered around to their positions, JJ stayed on the position behind you and you can’t help but find his sudden glances a bit too strange.

Are you supposed to start a conversation with him or something? What did you even do at that party, good God!

The game begins and almost everyone’s competitive spirit jumps out of their skin.

From doing way too much for just a innocent beach game to insanely loud celebrations. This game is just going to end badly and you know it.

Bad thing for you when you did a quick forearm pass to save your friend from any complaints from your team, and it hit one arm more than the other close to your wrist. Meaning: it hurt like a bitch for a good moment.

As everyone talks between themselves as one of the girls runs to go grab the ball, you look down at your arm and cringe a little at how it stung with the slightest touch of your fingers.

“You okay?” Someone asks as they step close to you and you look up to find JJ, walking up really close to you.

“Yeah...” You say with a shy smile, “I just hit my arm wrong”

As his hands were about to reach your aching wrist, a shout stops him.

“Don’t touch my girl, Maybank!” Rafe shouts from his side of the net, eyes glaring at the guy next to you. “Stay the fuck away!”

JJ looks up at your boyfriend and doesn’t even flinch at the glare or the shout. Kiara hisses his name and the boy just holds his hands up almost as if in surrender.

He doesn’t say anything back to Rafe, which surprised everyone from his friend group. You, on the other hand, are just expecting the worst to come crumble down, now that you know how much they don’t appreciate each other.

The game continues once your friend is back and, now, many points later, both Rafe and JJ stand as middle blockers. The blonde walks to stand in front of your boyfriend, who is trying to not even spare him a look.

Your friend starts talking to you right in the same second as JJ opens his mouth to whisper at Rafe, distracting you enough not to catch it.

“Nobody can touch your girl, uh, Rafe?” He whispers, “I knew you were bad with women, but, my god, you treat them like property too?”

Rafe scoffs at his words.

“Wouldn’t you like to know, uh?”

“Funny” JJ says with a smile. “How long have you two been dating?”

“That doesn’t concern you”

Rafe looks away from him at you to see you talking to your friend, completely entertained. All of that while he fights his urge to shut up the guy in front of him as the two stand in silence.

“Is she any good?” JJ pokes the bear again, “Sure, does look like it”

Rafe looks at him as he clenches his jaw.

“Ooh, did I struck a nerve?” He continues, now gaining the attention of some of the people around them. “Come on, bro, I’m sure you can share” He shrugs, laughing a bit.

Rafe’s blood is boiling in anger with all of JJ’s words, plus his little innocent laughs that just make his voice even more obnoxious.

“Just shut up” He says, shaking his head a bit.

“Or what?” JJ continues, “What are you going to do, uh?” He tilts his head to the side amused, “What are you going to do if I just grab your little girlfriend and take her with me?”

Rafe keeps quiet, almost in physical pain from holding back so hard.

“I’m sure she would like that” He smiles widely, “To be my own little slut”

That’s exactly what it took for Rafe to snap and take a step forward, closer to the net and closer to JJ, who as a reflex stepped back.

“Where are you going, uh?” Rafe asks with a fakest smile he could pull off, “You had all of that to say and now you’re backing up?”

Everyone looks at the two guys as JJ steps back and Rafe ducks under the net to get to the guy.

“Come on. Keep talking. Keep saying all you were just whispering to me” Rafe says, making Topper and Kelce duck under the net too to be his back up.

John B follows them and stands beside his friend.

“Cat got your tongue?”

Rafe gives JJ a slight push as the blonde smirks at the taller boy in front of him, and stumbles back a little.

“Rafe” You start while walking close to him.

He is not doing this here. Oh, hell no.

“Come on, let’s go! You were so brave a few seconds ago and now you’re backing up like a little bitch, let’s go, bro.” He continues.

“Rafe, stop” You hiss at him as you try and get closer. “Please, don’t do this”

He looks away from the boy in front of you to look at you for a slight second, chest moving rapidly in pants of the adrenaline circling his system.

You move past Topper and Kelce and stand in front of him, not giving a crap that a whole fight is about to start right where you’re standing.

“You promised” You whispered only for him to hear, giving his chest a slight push.

He looks away from you to send a glare at JJ and slowly takes a step back from the altercation.

“No fucking way” JJ says out loud before letting out a chuckle, “She got you whipped, uh? Oh my god” He whispers in disbelief the last part.

You fight your urge to turn to the boy yelling behind you, and just lay your hands over Rafe’s abs, pushing him back further.

“What happened to big bad Rafe? The little Kook prince who used to beat everyone up?” He continues to bicker.

“Ignore him, please” You plead as Rafe rests his hands over your wrists, “You’re better than this”

He looks down at you for a second and nods, gaze softening a little as he takes a little breath.

“Daaamn, you’re really her little bitch, dude! I can’t believe it” He continues, “You’re actually going soft. Rafe Cameron is going sooooft!”

You shake your head at the words and push Rafe again for another step back. Rafe doesn’t do much, he steps as you push him and keeps quiet.

After some staring, he turns back and walks over back to the towels, probably to get his things.

“Damn!” He exclaims from behind you, exaggerating once again, “Come on, sweetheart, you can do so much better!”

You finally turn around and face the boy, who seems to not want to shut up.

The large group people that are your friends and that aren’t also walking away to get their things, open up like the Red Sea so that you could glare at JJ.

“What? There’s a lot of free guys out there who-”

“Yeah, no shocker that you’re one of the them” You say back, “Just grow the fuck up and move along, you’re nothing but obnoxious at this point”

Some of your friends and Rafe’s stare at you in awe, right as JJ shuts his mouth.

You turn back around to go after Rafe, who is already putting on his shirt, and walk over to him..

You get to your boyfriend and grab your things. Trying to be as quick as you can, taking his hand in yours once you have everything in your other hand or over your shoulder.

And now, only home awaits you.

Is this any good? I feel kinda judgy over my work today, and I’m sure if this is good. Hope it is!

#rafe cameron x reader #drew starkey x reader #rafe cameron imagine #drew starkey imagine #rafe cameron imagines #drew starkey imagines #rafe cameron #drew starkey #outer banks rafe #outer banks #netflix outer banks #obx #obx netflix

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canarypoint · 4 years

Text

Holdin' on or Lettin' Go Is Gonna Kill Me Either Way

Warnings: mentions of death, suicide, murder, violence, and a lot of angst. if any of these things threaten your mental health, please do not continue reading.

A/N: i wrote this for @nervousspiderling as a challenge to see if i can make them cry, but even before that conversation happened i was planning on writing an angst fic so...here we are. enjoy? the title is from Don’t Wanna Write This Song by Brett Young. and yes i know this fic is all over the place... it’s like past 2:10am and i’ve been working on it since 12:11am.

A/N #2: also... i know i still have a few prompts to respond to but i’m having a little bit lot of trouble with them, but i’m working on them! also, feel free to send in more (doesn’t have to be from the prompt list) and i’ll try to write them as quickly as possible!

A/N #3: as i was copy/pasting this from google docs... i thought about how my original plan was to write an Avengers (or Arrowverse) fic but with Grey’s Anatomy-style drama and then after i remembered that my dumbass brain went “Alexis is my name, angst is my game” and i felt like sharing it...so...now that’s out there ig...

You look at your teammates, your friends, your lovers. Bucky Barnes, Natasha Romanoff, and Wanda Maximoff. They all have tears dripping from their eyes and words pouring from their mouths.

Natasha’s firm, “You are not dying,” hits you like a hypersonic aircraft going at mach one. You want to believe her, you really do, but you can’t.

You’re dying and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it.

You wake up with a harsh gasp, Bucky’s metal hand on your shoulder grounds you in reality.

“What’s going- where are we?” you ask, eyes darting around frantically.

“And the fourth is awake. How nice of you to join us, Y/L/N,” you don’t recognize the man speaking.

“Sorry, am I supposed to know who you are?”

You hear Natasha and Wanda sigh at your obliviousness to the situation the four of you are in.

“No, I suppose you don’t. Though, I’d assume you would, considering what my role was during your time with HYDRA,” you flinch as recognition hits you, a flash of a memory from your dream making its way to the forefront of your mind.

“You’re the-” you start, but cut yourself off. You’d like to relive your former (unwilling) occupation as little as possible.

The man gives you a creepy smile. The only thought in your mind now is how much you’d like to knock is his surprisingly perfect teeth out with a swift right hook. Wanda must be reading your mind, as she puts a calming hand on your elbow.

“Stand up,” he orders to no one in particular. You and the others exchange confused looks before the man looks at all of you impatiently. “Well, we don’t have all day.”

The four of you stand.

Three men who you assume to be HYDRA agents dressed in civilian clothes come into the room - cell - and force Bucky, Natasha, and Wanda to step away from you. They each stand three feet away from each other, all to your left. You notice now that you’re in the corner of the room, and the others are evenly spaced throughout the middle between both walls.

They’re standing in the same position someone would set up shooting targets, you think. Wanda inhales sharply. Yeah, she’s reading your mind.

“You,” the man - you still can’t remember his name - looks at you expectantly, then points to a spot right in front of him.

Your snarky remark dies on your tongue when Wanda psychically orders you to just keep quiet and do what he says until someone can come up with a plan. You’re impulsive, but you’re not stupid, so you follow her instructions.

One of the undercover agents hands you a handgun, a 9mm Glock.

“Oh my god,” you hear Bucky and Natasha shudder, already knowing exactly what’s about to happen.

Wanda do something, you hope she’s still reading your mind.

She just looks at you with tears in her eyes.

“Choose, Y/N,” the man orders. You close your eyes, “Someone here must die. Shoot yourself, however, and you will all die.”

You open your eyes, tears streaming down your mainly-stoic face, nothing more than a slight fearful frown as you look at your partners.

Bucky starts talking, but you can’t hear his words over the rapid beat of your own erratic pulse.

“Hey, look at me. Don’t look at them, look at me,” Bucky instructs. You look at him, your eyes moving from his nose, his lips, his hair, his ears, his shoulders…

Anywhere but his eyes.

“Shoot me, okay? Choose me, it’ll be alright. You three still have so much to live for-” Bucky looks at Natasha as she opens her mouth to argue, “Natasha, don’t interrupt me, please. Yes, you have red in your ledger, yes I know you want to make up for it, but dying won’t do that. Honestly, you’ve already made up for what you did, what you had no choice but to do, so please stop blaming yourself.

“Wanda, you need to forgive yourself for Sokovia, and for Lagos. You have so much potential, you just need to trust and forgive yourself. I know you think that because you have powers and the three of us don’t, you need to protect us, but it’s okay. Let us protect you, let me protect all of you.

“And Y/N; please, please don’t blame yourself for this. Don’t hide from the team, don’t leave Nat and Wanda because you think they’ll blame you for my death,” you finally make eye contact with him for a few seconds, then you look back down.

“They won’t,” he continues. “I promise you, they won’t. If they do, they’ll be ignoring my final wish. Please take care of each other. Y/N, let them take care of you. I know you always feel the need to take care of yourself and that you’re alone… because you’re not. You have us- them, you have them, you always have and you always will. Oh, and one more thing. Look out for Steve for me, will ya? Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid, and if he does, tell him that I took the stupid with me.”

Without looking, you raise the gun, taking a deep breath to steady your hand.

You adjust your aim, then pull the trigger.

•••

A/N #4: part two coming soon…(?)

one-time taglist: @imnotasuperhero

#natasha romanoff x reader #wanda maximoff x reader #bucky barnes x reader #polyship #woha i wrote this #woha is not a typo. it is intentional #black widow x reader #scarlet witch x reader #winter soldier x reader #bucky barnes x natasha romanoff x wanda maximoff x reader #i still don't know how or what to tag lol #i'm sorry?#also should i make a masterlist?#if so #how do i make a masterlist?

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thevelvetseries · 5 years

Text

The Heart Wants What It Wants

Summary : The Ackles oldest daughter Y/N has been growing up hiding a secret from her whole family and the entire world. She tries her best to keep it hidden, until one day her secret is released to the world.

Pairing : Jensen Ackles x Daughter Reader / Danneel Ackles x Daughter Reader / JJ Ackles / Arrow Ackles / Zeppelin Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Genevieve Padalecki

Warnings : Lesbian Reader, Forced Out, Swearing, Drinking

A/N : I had just finished reading the book ‘Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda’ and really enjoyed it. After watching the movie with a few friends it gave me the idea to write a short one-shot about a female reading being outed.

Main Masterlist

I was currently sitting in my last period of the day at school. We had 10 minutes left until the end of the day. I was meeting Bram, Alexandra, Hannah, Nick and Marcus we were heading to the mall after school to look around get dinner and see a movie like we do every Friday. Once the bell rang, I put away my books and picked up my coat and leave the classroom and head over to my locker to grab the rest of my books to take with me for the weekend. While I was placing books in my bag Hannah bounced up to me.

“Hey Y/N” she says while leaning up against the locker next to mine. She was wearing a light blue top with black skinny jeans and some simple sneakers. She looked amazing she always did. They way she would do her makeup and hair everyday she looked beautiful.

“Hey Han, have you seen the others.” I say while closing my bag, placing it on the floor to put my coat on.

“They are walking to us now” she points behind me and I see Bram, Nick, Marcus and Alexandra walking our way. I close my locker pick up my bag and we all had outside. Since there is 6 of us we take two cars, in the mornings I pick up Hannah, Nick since they live on near me while Bram picks up Marcus and Alexandra. We get into our cars and head off to the mall for the night.

Around 8pm I get home. When I pulled up in the driveway I noticed that Jared and Gen were over. I park my car and turn off my engine. I take an deep breath, and lean my head against the headboard and closed my eyes. After 5 minutes I grab my bag and head inside. I open the front door, took my shoes of sand hanged up my coat on the hook by the door. I walk into the kitchen place my bag on the counter and grab myself a bottle of water. I had drank about half the bottle when dad walked in the room.

“Hey kiddo, how was school today?” He asked while giving me a kiss on the head while continuing over to the kettle and tuning it on.

“It was ok, nothing out of the ordinary.” I say while putting the lid back on my water bottle. “I saw the Padalecki’s are here” I say while pointing to the living room.

“Yeah, they decided to come over tonight.” Jensen says while making coffee.

“I’m gonna say hello and head upstairs.” I say walking out the kitchen. I say hello to everyone in the living room and head upstairs to my room and start to do my math homework. After about an hour I make my downstairs to get myself a snack. I walk into the kitchen and see dad and Jared sitting at the table talking.

“Hey Y/N” Jared said while drinking some of his drink.

“Hey J” I say while grabbing myself an apple and joining them at the table.

“How’s school been?” He asked.

“It’s been fine. Nothings really changed” I say while biting into my apple.

“Got a boyfriend yet?” Jared says while dad gives him a look.

“Hey”dad says while putting a hand on Jared’s shoulders “She’s 16. She doesn’t need a boyfriend.” Then he looks at me. “You don’t have a boyfriend do you?” He asked me.

“No dad, I don’t” I say. What he didn’t know is that I didn’t want a boyfriend or a husband when I got older. I wanted a girlfriend, and a wife. I’ve know this fo a long time. Like when me and my friends would watch TV shows or movies I would always pay more attention towards the actresses.

“Well good. Wait until college or after college.” He says. I give me a smile and tell him I would. It was a way to keep him off my back. I get up from the table and head into the living room where mum and Gen where with the little children. They were watching Frozen and eating popcorn. I make my way over to mum and snuggled into her side. She gives me a kiss on he head and continues o talk to Gen and watch the movie, at some point I’ve fallen asleep.

When I woke up I was in my bed and it was light outside. I look at my bedside table and saw it was 6am. I get out of bed and make my way downstairs and find mum and dad in the kitchen cooking breakfast, JJ and the twins where in the living rom watching cartoons.

“Morning sweetie, did you sleep ok?” mum said while cracking some eggs into a bowl to whisk them together.

“Morning mum, dad.” I say while sitting at the table and yawning.

“Oh, is it still ok for me to go to Jessica’s party tonight?” I’m ask to the room. Mum and dad both agreed so when I finished my breakfast, I sat with my family in the living room for a few hours before heading upstairs and texting my group asking if they were going to go. We all were. We decided that I was going to head over to Alexandra to get ready with her and Hannah since she lived closer to where the party was being held. Jessica used to go to out school before she transferred when she moved last year but everyone still loved her.

Around 9pm we arrive at the party. We head to the kitchen to get ourself some drinks. By 12am I was drunk. I wasn’t really sure what was going on, all I knew was that I was with Hannah and Alexandra in the car and was heading back home. They pull up to my house I grab my bag and head inside. I quietly enter the house and close the door and went upstairs to my bed. I had a good night, but what I didn’t know was that my life was going to change when I woke up the next morning.

My head was pounding like crazy. I slowly open my eyes and immediately shut them when I come contact with light from my windows. Yes, I was definitely hungover. It wasn’t the first time it had happened but never this bad. After about 20 minutes I was finally awake enough to head downstairs. It was 10am. I left my phone by my bed. When I reached downstairs I saw JJ, the twins and their three little Padalecki’s in the living room while mum and dad and Jared and Gen where in the kitchen talking with a laptop in front of them. When I enter the kitchen they all look at me. I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and turn around and looked at them.

“Why you all staring at me like that?”I asked confusedly while opening my bottle of water.

My dad looked at me and asked my to take a seat. I sit down and now I’m starting to get a little worried.

“When we woke up this morning there was an article wrote about you. It looked like someone took some photos of you at the party you went to last night.” Dad said while looking at me sweetly.

“Ok. That’s not bad. Is it.” I ask nervously.

Mum turned the laptop around and I could hear my heart break. The headline was the first thing I saw ‘Y/N Ackles seen kissing a mystery girl’. No, no no no no no. Fuck no. I start to scroll down and I see a photo of me kissing a girl. Tears start to build in my eyes. Why was this happening, for the past 3 years I’ve kept this hidden inside me. I look at up and a single tear runs down my face. I didn’t know what to do, they were all staring at me.

I got up from the table and ran up to my room ignoring the calls for me to come back. I enter my rom and lock the door and crawl into my bed. My phone was blowing up with missed calls and texts from my friends asking if I was ok and I just broke down crying.

I could hear my dad and mum, outside my room knocking asking for me to let them in. I couldn’t move. I stayed in my room all day.

When I woke up the next morning I woke and immediately hated the day. It’s Monday. School is in 2 hours. I head to my ensuite took a shower then go dressed, did my hair and makeup and went downstairs. When I enter the kitchen I see mum and dad and JJ eating breakfast. When they saw me dad looked me in the eyes. We hadn’t talked since they read the article. “Would you like a waffle sweetie?” He asks I just nod.

I seat down at the table not talking. I know I need to say something I should just tell them they already know. Dad placed my waffle in front of me and sat back down next to mum.

“I want to talk to guys about something.” I say. They both look at me, JJ was bus eating her waffles. “Well… I… I.. I like girls. And I don’t want you guys to think anything different. I’m still me.”

Mum jumped “of course you are sweetie” she said. “It’s ok hunny.” I give them both a small smile. “I loved you”

“We love you too” dad said. “Come here” he put his arms out. I get out my chair and walk over to him. He gives me a big hug and kissed my forehead. Then mum comes from behind me and joins the hug.

2 weeks later. Everything was great. I’m not sure why I was so worried in the first place. Nothing has really changed in my life except everyone knows my little secret, my family and friends still loved me everything was ok. I’m not sure why I was so scared too begin with. I’m was now myself. Who cares, the heart wants what it wants.

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justwritethatdown · 6 years

Text

Bechloe Week - Wednesday July 25

Drunk Texting

___

This is kinda angsty...

___

[Becs💕]:chloeeeeeeee

[Becs 💕]: I miss youuiuu

[Chlo♡]: I miss you too Becs 💛 are you drunk?

[Becs 💕]:yepp

[Becs 💕]:I hate LA

[Becs 💕]:I wamna come hone

[Becs 💕]:I miss sleepongwit hyou

[Chlo♡]: Ahah How much did you drink? 💛

[Becs 💕]:dunno im sad

[Chlo♡]: You should probably go to sleep, it's pretty late there... you can call me when you wake up 💛💛

[Becs 💕]:Amy tolf me notto wtite yoy

[Becs 💕]:but Im fine

[Becs 💕]:idk why thwy say not to text when youre drunk

[Becs 💕]:I kno exactly what im doing

[Chlo♡]: Yeah... wait to read this in the morning and you'll find out babe 😘 ahahah

[Becs 💕]:dont call me babe

[Chlo♡]:Why not? I always call you that 💛💛💛

[Becs 💕]:cus i love it when youcal lme that

[Chlo♡]: Makes sense...

[Becs 💕]: why didou kiss him?

[Chlo♡]: Becs...

[Becs 💕]:I was loking for ypu ibwanted to kiss you

[Becs 💕]:i wanto kiss u now

[Chlo♡]: We really shouldn't have this conversation right now Becs...

[Becs 💕]: why tho

[Becs 💕]:judt telk me whu

[Becs 💕]:Chloe

[Becs 💕]:iknow you redthat answer .e

[Chlo♡]:Go to sleep

[Becs 💕]:Ilove yo

[Chlo♡]: I love you too, now go to sleep

[Becs 💕]:no.not lile thaf I LOVE you

*Becs 💕 is typing...*

Chloe spent almost ten minutes staring at her cell phone before realizing that Beca wasn't actually writing a novel but that she probably just fell asleep while typing something, it was past 2 in the morning in Los Angeles after all and she was pretty wasted. Her heart was hammering in her chest, she couldn't sleep at all that night, waiting for it to be a decent hour in LA so that she could call Beca. She spent seven years hopelessly crushing on her and now that she decided to finally move on Beca decide to get drunk and drop this bomb on her. Now that they lived 2.797 miles apart.

Around 10am she noticed that the brunette wasn't typing anymore so she figured she must have noticed that and closed the conversation, this meant she was awake. Chloe tried to call her a couple of times but the other girl didn't pick up so she thought she must have fallen asleep again, until Amy told her she had talked to Beca that morning "what did she write to you anyway? She said it was too bad to even send me screenshots... And that she wanted to dig a hole and die in it..." "mh, she was pretty drunk..." answered the redhead trying to figure out what to do about it "she was! I told her not to text you, but she's stubborn" sighed the Australian "did she tell you?" asked the blonde without specifying what exactly "yeah... I think she did..." breathed out Chloe "I think you should tell her... you know? That you love her too. Don't make that face, we all know you are in love with her since college" stated the blonde "I... yeah, I think you're right..." agreed the redhead picking up her phone to call Beca again "she will never answer tho..." warned her Fat Amy walking to her side of the room. Chloe tried to call her another three tines but Beca didn't pick up.

[Chlo♡]:Becs answer me please

[Chlo♡]:We need to talk

[Chlo♡]:I know you are scared and ashamed... And hungover, but pick up the phone please

[Chlo♡]:I'm buying a ticket for LA.

[Becs 💕]:Don't!

[Becs 💕]:I don't wanna see you, please. I don't know if I will ever be able to look at you face again Chlo. I screwed up and right now I can't deal with it, my head hurts and I have to throw up and this conversation is just making me feel more sick

[Chlo♡]: Wow... you're rambling. How can you ramble through text?

[Becs 💕]:Nice. You think it's nice to make fun of me in this situation?

[Chlo♡]: To get over you.

[Becs 💕]:What?

[Chlo♡]:Last night you asked me why I kissed Chicago, that's your answer. I've been in love with you for seven years and I kissed him to get over you.

[Becs 💕]:Oh...

[Chlo♡]:It didn't work.

Beca's heart stopped. She read the redhead's words over and over again. Chloe has been in love with her, she tried to get over her but it didn't work. This meant she was still in love with her. She forgot about her headache and about everything else in the world, she dialed Chloe's number as fast as she could and the redhead answered right away

"Hey..." breathed out Chloe biting her bottom lip, her voice was weak and uncertain "Hi... I-I don't really know what to say, I just needed to hear your voice..." admitted Beca with a stupid smile on her face, her heart now beating faster than ever "how are you feeling?" asked the redhead with a tiny voice "I'm great! I mean I feel like shit, but I'm so happy we feel the same way and that I didn't screw everything up" "yeah... me too" said the redhead with a sigh "you don't sound happy though... a-are you okay?" asked the brunette "I don't know Becs... it feels like the worst time to do this, I mean we are on opposite sides of the-" "we can make it work!" interrupted her Beca "we are in the exact same situation you were with Jesse when you two broke up. The exact same cities... you already tried this and it didn't work, I dont know if I wanna risk our friendship for this" "that... that's not why we broke up..." "but that's-" "that's what I told you, yes. But... we broke up because I chose to live in Brooklyn with you instead of going to LA with him" confessed the younger girl "but Residual Heat found you a job here-" "and one in LA. I could choose... and I chose you Chloe, that's why Jesse broke up with me..." Chloe furrowed her brows "but that was your dream to go to LA... why didn't you tell me?" she asked "who would rather live with her best friends instead of her boyfriend?" chucked Beca "umh... me?" answered the redhead honestly "yes maybe... I just... I didn't want you to find out I had a crush on you" she admitted biting her lip. Chloe closed her eyes and took a steady breath "how long have you..?" "I... I don't know, one day I had no idea and the other everything was crystal clear, I think I've been in love with you from the start..."

Chloe felt her heart ache at that, how many sleepless nights and how many tears she could have spared to herself if she only had known. She felt a knot in her throat and tears started rolling down her cheeks "I..." she sniffed loudly "I'm... I'm sorry it's just... I waited to hear that for so long Becs..." sobbed the redhead "hey no, no no no please... please don't cry, you know I hate when you cry, it kills me and I don't know what to do. This-this is a good thing, I love you, it's a good thing" rambled Beca panicking "why didn't you do something about that? God, I sent you so many signals! Why did you always turn me down?" cried the older girl "I don't know okay? I-I was scared, I didn't know those were signals... I thought you were just very expansive... y-you could have been more direct about it" "you had a boyfriend! How could I have been more direct than telling you I wanted to experiment without making a fool of myself and make you run for the hills?" scoffed Chloe "why are you mad at me? I don't wanna fight, I wanna talk about our future" complained the brunette running a hand trough her messy hair, her head was killing her. "I don't know if we can have one, Beca. You live in LA and I have vet school here... I think it's too late" croaked the redhead "don't... don't say that Chloe please. We could be so happy, I want to make you happy! Just give me a chance please" begged the singer, Chloe could hear her best friend's voice trembling before she sniffed hard "you still love me right? P-please I need to hear it. Tell me that I didn't ruined everything, I..." sobbed the younger girl and the redhead left out a deep sigh and closed her eyes trying not to burst into tears again "yes Beca... I still love you, I am so in love with you it hurts..." she whispered "...it hurts so bad" she sobbed and heard Beca letting go an heavy sigh of her own "I wish I could hug you right now" she confessed "I miss your hugs, I miss the way you smell, I miss everything about you I just... I just love you. It feels nice to finally say it, I don't know how to stop" chuckled the brunette gaining a chuckle from Chloe too "yes it does" agreed the redhead "I love you so much" repeated Beca and Chloe giggled wiping her nose with the back of her hand "you kinda mentioned that" she joked before adding "okay, we can try this! But not now. We wait, you focus on your career, I graduate and then we can start dating. Agreed?" "But... you just started vet school, it would take five years" stated the brunette in shock "these are my conditions. You made me wait for seven years, now it's your turn. Take it or leave it" intimated the redhead, she held her breath waiting for an answer, maybe it was too much, to ask the brunette to wait for her for so long, but she really couldn't see a relationship work between them right now. The singer considered the offer for a moment, five years were a long time, but she would wait for the rest of her life if it meant to be with Chloe in the end "okay." she consented "but I will keep telling you that I love you anyway, and you can't stop me" she added as a warninging "I wouldn't dream of it" giggled again the redhead "and I will call you every day" she added making Chloe smile widen "sounds good... I'm glad you got drunk last night" "yeah me too" laughed Beca throwing herself on her bed. She hadn't feel this happy in a long while and if that's how things were going to be from now on, these five years won't be so bad after all.

#bechloe week #bechloeweek2k18 #bechloe #beca mitchell #chloe beale #angst?#bechloe one shot #bechloe oneshot #fat amy

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fightingorcavingintodepression · 5 years

Text

1/16/17 5:17 pm

I had my first panic attack I've had in a long time. I've gotten so bad at work my manager called me at 10AM and left a voicemail. I called him back and said I had a Doctors appointment and forgot to send out an email to the team. I hate lying, but i can’t realistically say I'm suicidal and won't even get out of bed every morning.

I ran to the bathroom and started dry-heaving for a good 2-3 minutes. Then I laid down on my bed and felt like crying, and then Stayed there for nearly another hour.

Kill me.

1/20/17

I'm eating lunch by myself at 3:06 on Friday. I've only hit myself a few times today. I ordered and shipped a present to Shara and it should get there tomorI'mrow, but today is her birthday. I deleted my Facebook and haven't been posting on tumblr, so I'm avoiding everything. I feel guilty and don't know what to do. I'm going to stop typing because I'm tearing up in the restaurant. I'm pushing all of my friends away. I saw Selina last weekend and it was so awkward. I can't even hang out with my best friend without it being awkward. I want to kill myself.

Please let me die in an accident.

10:56 pm I want to keep hitting myself until I don't wake up.

1/25/17 Wednesday 11:39pm

I'm at McDonald's getting a milkshake and food. I've "worked" from home the past three days because I don't wake up till 9 or 10. That's a lie, I'll wake up and hit snooze, but won't force myself into up. On Monday I stayed online till 11:30 and then said o had a doctors appointment and was gong to wfh the rest of the day, but the last two days I haven't even sent anything out. I deserve to get fired. My depression is destroying me.

1/26/17 Thursday 2:30pm

I woke up late at 8:50ish and got online. Did the scheduled work for Austin and once that was finished, drove into the office and got in at about 10:30 (I think). I ate lunch at my desk and I've gone back and forth to the bathroom and just sat. Only work I've done today is finally send an email I've needed to for weeks. Mom asked me to call her at lunch and I finally said I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday. I told her I'd decide on a weekend and give her a call tonight, but I'm not sure I can. It's now 2:48. I've been in the bathroom almost 20 minutes.

2/16 4:29pm

I woke up at 3:30 am and stayed awake, but then fell asleep and didn't get online from home until about 9:40. Came into the office about 12:40. I've done maybe an hours worth of work. I really hate myself. When driving into work nearly had an accident from someone driving recklessly and me not just letting them pass me. They cut to my right into a lane for cars getting on and drove on the side of the road to pass me since I didn't slow down. The driver even had people (possibly kids) in the back of their car. I hate myself, but that person as well if they can justify that type of driving that also may harm their own kids, let alone other people. I started yelling again in my car...it's getting worse.

I hit myself again this morning in the shower.

2/17 12:18am

I can see myself committing suicide within the next year. Depending if I don't get better, maybe not till after my parents pass.

2/20 12:33pm

I didn't get up again today (Monday) until 9:50 and log online. Then finally came in to the office about 10 minutes ago. Off to a bad start of the week. I should be fired. I did "clean" a good portion of my apartment yesterday because at&t suppose to be coming this week. It's still a terrible mess, but you can finally see the floor now. Next is the kitchen.

1:04pm - eating lunch by myself at wich which. Postponing going back to the office. Not sure if taking these notes is beneficial, or even a smart idea (hint, it's not)

2/21 12:31pm

Late again. Thinking of working from home tomorrow. Getting worse. Really worse. Spent too much money yesterday on gifts I'll probably never give.

2/24 11:52am

It's my birthday. Today hasn't been a bad day.

2/28 12:15 pm

In training. Feeling useless. My back is also killing me. Have my APA later today. Guess I'll find out how badly I'm doing or if we'll just pretend I'm doing fine when it's obvious I'm not. Not likely I'll get fired since I'm an ITA, but don't know. Just haven't been given a warning or anything

3/13 12:48pm

I'd been doing okay for a little while. Starting to get worse again. Started saying things again. Didn't wake up for work till 9ish. Didn't get in till 11ish. Need to stop. Want to hurt myself. Want to kill myself. Fighting it. Still doing bad. In the bathroom wanting to hit myself. Shara texted about doing stuff this weekend, and I almost want to back out. I'm suppose to do Aerials with gabby tonight, but want to use my weight as an excuse and say I'm over their limit (which may actually be true, but their website doesn't say and no one picked up when I called), or that I don't have the right clothes, or I'm having a panic attack (probably closest to being honest). And one of the other things that's bugging me in the back of my head today I'm hating myself most of all for it even bothering me.

3/20 4:39am

Mild depression acting up. Want to "call/email" out of work. Smacking myself a bit the past day

3/22 6:14pm

Didn't go into work today and haven't done any work so far. Needing to get a report and presentation done before tomorrow. Depression has been really bad this week. Sleep is getting off. Whispering harmful things to myself and hitting myself more often.

3/24 10:44am

I want to hurt myself. I'm doing really badly this week. No point even coming into work. Can tell I'm being replaced in all areas. Went to lunch with people. Faked it. Now I'm back at the office (2:04pm) and hiding in the bathroom. I feel like I'm gonna pass out. I want to pass out.

I want to die.

3/25 5:02pm

Doing bad today too. Didn't get up till noon. Went to the park to walk, but had negative thoughts the entire time and it didn't help. Convinced myself to go out to dinner at Las Margaritas that I normally get take out from. I plan to make myself sit in the living room when I get home to get out of my bedroom/bed. It feels pathetic, but right now the smallest things feel like an achievement.

3/27 1:41am

I want to kill myself. I just want it to end. I don't want to hurt my family though. I wish I could make them forget i existed so I wouldn't feel guilty about it.

3:06am still lying awake on the couch. The longer I stay awake, the longer I postpone till tomorrow comes.....or that's how it feels. Ready to kill myself.

3/30 8pm

I now weigh 245 pounds. I write this as I sit in line at chick fil-a getting a meal for two people and a milkshake

3/31 6:38

Deleted all of my social media. Specifically tumblr, which I can't reactive. Gone forever.

4/6 1:12pm

Was doing better for a bit because work was busy enough to distract me. Getting too busy now. Think I overheard two people saying they don't want to work with me, and storage team disregards my existence. It's a new feeling when I feel like I'm doing some good work, but know I'm also doing terrible in other areas and people no longer want to work with me. Hitting hard and really want to hurt myself again. I need to make some life choices before I end up committing suicide.

4/7 1:36pm

It might be good to just quit before June. If I sold everything I had, I could pay off all my debt. I'd be left with nothing, but wouldn't leave anything for people to worry about.

4/17 10:21am

So overwhelmed.

4/19 9:08am

Sitting on toilet at home. So overwhelmed at work. Can't get anything done and nothing is going right.

6/1 11:02am Thursday

Hadn't been in the office in almost a week. Had Friday off and Monday for Memorial Day, but lied and said Tom had knee surgery on Tuesday and then wfh on Wednesday. Getting bad again. Realized I hadn't been writing in here for a month and a half. Not sure if that's a good win or not, since I mostly only remember to when I'm getting bad again.

6/25 2:15am

Depression getting bad again. Suicide would be nice. Just want it all to end. If I could sleep for a year, I'd take it.

6/27 12:40pm

Didn't go into work until almost 11 yesterday. Working from home today. Can't even answer a phone call. Have a meeting at 2 and then will probably shower as unavailable the rest of the day.

6/28 3:06pm

Woke up at 5 and still didn't go into work today. Stayed showing as away all day and said I had issues with Skype and car issues

7/14 12:50pm

JB texted me asking if I was off. I should just kill myself. Lying through my teeth. His pa

7/18 3:28am Tuesday

I want to die in an accident so no one I care about thinks it was a suicide.

7/20 1:59pm

Didn't go into work until 12 today. While I was in the shower, my phone range and I just started cursing thinking it was my manager. Already had my lie made up going to say my car stalled this morning coming into work. Didn't have my phone (which is why I didn't pick up if it was them), but luckily a cop pulled over and called a tow truck....

Haven't had to use my lie yet, but going to use parts of it tonight to get out of going to a coworkers house for game night.

I really hate myself.

I need to call in my medicine to see if they'll prescribe it again, even if it doesn't seem like it's helping.

7/31 9:04pm

In line at Taco Bell. Didn't go into work today or Friday. Meant to send an email saying I was taking my mom to doctors and would be back Tuesday, but overslept and didn't bother. Don't want to go in tomorrow either. I haven't been replying to Shara and I feel terrible, but I'm not in a good place either. Hadn't been replying to family until Mom called worried and acted like I just forgot to hit send on some texts. It's easier to act like nothing is wrong with people who don't know I'm not good mentally. I saw a post on Tumblr that describe what I'm feeling. I'm pushing people away so it's easier when I want to kill myself.

9/5 11:42am

Moved to new apartment. Enjoying it so far. Had a 5 day weekend from labor/took Thursday and Friday off to move. 1st day back at work and already feeling overwhelmed and counting down till 4:30. Kill myself creeping inside my head again.

9/21 10:02am

Want to die. Want to die. I just really want to die. Kill myself. Kill myself. I'm so tempted to kill myself. I'd make it look like an accident so not to hurt my family. But I need to find homes for Yen and Shani, or plan accordingly. Could drop them at a shelter, but include some cash to help care for them (1k?). Then someone who is a good person, but just had money trouble would take them. I'm not sure I'll live 15+ years to outlive them. I take that back; I know I won't. I don't even know sometimes if I'll make it to tomorrow. I'm not actually making any attempts or plans to do it, but every time I walk in to work or leave, I hope a car hits me. Kill me kill me I just want to die.

10/18 9:52am

Overslept and didn't go into work today. "Working" from home online. Depression episode kicking in again. I just want to die.

10/31 Tuesday 12:02pm

Didn't get into work until 11 today. Called into the 8:30 conference and answered some emails to appear like I was working, but hardly got out of bed. ~Read back through some of these notes just now and now I've got in the back of my head the idea of starting to hit myself again. I know this is a downward slope, but really want to go to the bathroom stall and do it anyways just so I don't feel numb. It's lunchtime, so no one should be there to hear it. ~~I ended up going to get rubber bands and paper clips instead. Still hit myself s few times, but people kept coming into the restroom while I was in the stall.~

11/1 2:16 pm

In drivethru for chick-fil-a. Working from home rest of week probably. My anger is terrible. Called someone a cunt in the drivethru for honking and it wasn't even at me. My window was down, so think the person in front of me may have heard. I'm a terrible person and hate myself.

11/16 9:14am Thursday

Just got into work. Feel exhausted and drained as always. Just noticed it’s coming up on a year in January when I started making these notes. I honestly don’t know if I’m doing better or not. I’d say I’m not. Definitely not.

12/5/17 2:36pm

It’s a Tuesday, and I’d not been in the office for two weeks (11/21) between workin from home on Wednesday because thanksgiving was the next day, off Thursday and Friday, and then all last week I just never came in. Yesterday I “worked” from home, and today I didn’t get in till about 12. And the only thing I wanted to think about while walking into work because I forgot my headphones and couldn’t drown out the thoughts with music was how I wanted to kill myself. I have a meeting from 3-4 with new agile team (honestly probably only real reason I forced myself into the office). I wonder how fake I can present myself today. Hopefully it won’t be terribly interactive and mostly just informational.

1/14/18 11:27pm

I didn’t go into work at all last week. Was online only Monday for the entire day, and then Wednesday for the day on do-not-disturb. Skipped Tuesday and Wednesday completely though. Need to force myself to go into the office tomorrow. I hate myself. So much to catch up on. I cleaned a bit of the apartment, but still need to do more. My oncall starts next week, and I pray it’s quiet.

1/22/18 3:10am

Won’t go to bed because then the morning comes faster. I’m oncall this week and I just pray nothing happens at all. Even one ticket. Please don’t. I think I have an appointment this Friday about my antidepressants, but honestly I’m not sure. Please let me be left alone this week and work from home. I’ll even make sure I get work done.

1/23/18 12:30am

I’m pathetic at work.

2/4/18 6:43pm Sunday

Out grocery shopping. Tried to do small talk. Wanted to help bag like I do sometimes, but not doing well, so just awkwardly typing this on my phone. I HAVE to get work done when I get home, but haven’t been doing well. I’ll be lucky if I get anything done or I do it in the middle of the night (especially with my sleep schedule).

2/5/18 11:52am

Didn’t get anything done last night, but was able to wake up early and get it submitted by 8 (only one other person has anything uploaded so far). What pisses me off is another teammate setup a meeting at 2 with no heads up. That little amount of time and a same day meeting? Fuck that shit. I’ll attend, but doubt John will and don’t blame him. I said I was going to the doctor earlier, so purposely missed the one actual meeting I had today. Couldn’t get out of bed. Hate myself. Submitted a service request for the lights to be fixed in my apartment, so that’s the one useful thing I’ve done. I was wrong, John did accept. I hate myself.

5/7/18 Monday 8:59am

On the train in to work. Only going in for the ITA orientation and then probably leaving. Probably will stay an hour to get hibachi for lunch and then leave. I’m oncall this week. Please please please don’t have any tickets or sde’s after hours. Please god. Just this once. I’ve been doing so well with my depression, but the last week and a half it’s been dipping again and I’m afraid. On the chart at my therapy office, id finally for the first time dipped below the number for being depressed! I know I’ll always have depression and depression slumps, but it’s scary going back into my first one after doing well for almost two months. I don’t want to go back into that. I really don’t. Please just don’t have my oncall this week go badly. Dear god, just please don’t. I don’t want to breakdown in tears from anxiety this week. Make my next oncall worse, but just let me not have to worry about anything this week. Please.

5/7/18 Monday 11:21am

Doing better mentally once I got in the office and moving. It’s sad how easily that change can happen. You’d think I’d be happy, but just makes me realize how easily I can drop again. Part of me knows I could stay at the office and continue working, but the other half doesn’t care. I’m eating hibachi and then taking the train home.

5/10/18 1:02pm

Finishing up lunch at hisaki and then going into office. Have to recount all of the WebLogic VM counts manually.....

All the work before I did is basically useless.

Time to go through 400+ (maybe less since a good number are in the shared environment) and find out their host count. I shouldn’t really be complaining. Just didn’t want to have to do/worry about anything till after my vacation.

Now it’s 1:32 and I’m sitting in the toilet just waiting for the day to end. Shoot myself shoot my self I just want to shoot my self.

5/23 5:12pm

Felt sick the past few days. Worked from home. Throat is killing me, but in line at McDonald’s and going to get

5/25 Friday 11:27am

Hardly worked at all this week. Ignored a voicemail to call back my PO. Work is frustrating me.

I just hit myself for the first time in a long time again. Chest, face, head. It felt good

5:57pm clenching my fists in drive through. Want to hurt myself

5/28 Monday 2:04pm Memorial Day off work

At the bbq place getting Togo food. Been in bed all day/all weekend really. Felt sick, but also depressed. Stomach was so upset, didn’t take antidepressants yesterday. Going to take them for today when I get back. Still, I’ve not been doing well at all. Hitting myself more. Mainly the chest. May even do it on the way home. Just feeling numb again. Started reblogging suicidal/depression posts on tumblr again. It’s pathetic. Like a cry for help to the two I know who are on tumblr, but one never acknowledges them, and the other rarely gets on anymore. I have therapy this Friday (o think?) and have no improvement to speak of to the doctor. Overslept one from depression, but rescheduled the last one due to work issues. Slit my throat. Want to die. Let it end. Started singing those little tunes to myself the last week or two. Want to hurt myself. Really just want to drop dead from an accident. Get someone to take care of my cats, and then my family won’t think it’s a suicide.

6/12 10:59am Tuesday

Sitting at train station going into work. Just got back from surgery follow up and everything is fine. Spent maybe 10 minutes there in total. Now I’m going into work to eat my unhealthy lunch hibachi chicken and soda as always. I’m sad all the team. I have an in person meeting from 2-2:50, but will probably leave after that. Unless I ask Carter if he needed help with patching and he says yes, which is why I’m considering if I even should?? Wow, that’s pathetic of me. I only have to make it till EOD Thursday. Then I’ll watch Lily for the weekend, have my therapy session on Friday, and (maybe?) visit Mom and Tom on Sunday.

6/24 Monday 10:46am

I may barely make it into the office for an 11am meeting. This isn’t going to be a good week.

7/3 Tuesday 6:11pm

I missed my medicine twice in the last week (I think? Or only once). But just don’t care to take it anymore since I’ve noticed

7/9 Monday 12:15am

This isn’t gonna be a good week. I can already tell.

7/22 Sunday 1am

Doing patching. Teammates were being fucking useless, so I got offline and said I was having internet issues. It’s been a fucking hour and they’ve not done shit. The job is still hung exactly where it was when I left off. They’ve not tried to do anything at all. There are two more groups that have to run for Linux, and we’re already 2/3 hours of patching there is from 11-2am. Cancel the ticking job you dipshits. I even sent an email basically telling you to!!! I did all the ducking work for you!!! Instead you just sit there for an hour doing nothing!!! Cancel the fucking job!! If it gets to 1:30am and still nothing, I’m sending a follow up email and ccing myself. I’m not even suppose to be in charge here!! They are!!! At least Brandon should be. Daniel is ridiculously new, but clearly knows more, so make the ticking call too, for fuck sake.

- they finally did when I was typing this all out. And of course it was the new kid, not the guy who is a full time employee who should be making the call. Then again, I’m a waste of space too. Just got fed up with them and quit with a bullshit excuse. I’m trash. Now that I’ve calmed down, I hate myself again.

Thursday 7/26 2:54pm

First time I’ve been in the office I think nearing 3 weeks? I’ve not been taking my antidepressants as consistently. So tired all the time. Hardly get out of bed. Didn’t go to therapy last week. I need to call tomorrow to cancel next weeks too unless it’s early in the morning. And also schedule more since I don’t have any after that. And also reschedule one on a different day for my medicine.

Just got off my 3pm call. PO wasn’t there, so I basically lead. Talked for like 5 fucking minutes before my team lead said they’ve been doing it manually the last 4 days. So basically I’m a fucking idiot and out of the loop. I’m definitely not Sr IT analyst ready. I’m just gonna leave work. I hate myself. Put myself on do not disturb and closed my laptop. Ran and caught the train. I’m so ducking fat and out of shape. I should just go skydiving by myself and not pull the parachute. Quick and easy. Could I do it in a body bag so it’s less of a mess for the people who have to clean it up? Sky dive, pull the bag out midair. Put it on and zip it up. Splat. Done. Kaput. 😊

How many weeks vacation do I have? Just use it all at once and disappear. Then when it’s up I just never come back. I wanna jump in front of a car or train, but not okay with the impact it’d have on the person driving. If I jump off mountain, the only person it might hurt is the people who found me? Plus annoy the people who have to clean me up.

Could have a suicide note and send it in so the police can find me easily? Idk. Can’t do anything till my cats are okay.

8/14/18 Tuesday 10:19am

On the train to work. Only going in to have an in person meeting. Didn’t wake up till 9:20 and only jumped up because of the daily Standup call at 9:30. Have patching this week and next. Alex is out the rest of the week, so I’m in charge of Windows....never done it by myself, yet alone enough with someone else to be confident. Need to send out the email as soon as we get Tom’s email tomorrow. Get the jobs running and finish documentation. I think Wednesday only has noreboot servers and is a small window? Hopefully okay.

I’ve not been taking my medication. Haven’t been to the doctors in really long (therapy/antidepressant doctor). I have roughly 35 days to get in better shape/health/mental state before going to Samantha’s to see Welcome to Nightvale. Will it happen? No idea.

Still on the train. 10:27. I feel so num. no emotion at all.

5:49pm - on the train home from work. Got a lot done today, so feel somewhat decent. If I can bury my head in work and actually get stuff done, I won’t notice my depression sometimes.

9/5 Wednesday 10:51 am

Have a big kickoff meeting I’m leading. Has a shit ton of people in it. Don’t feel confident. Stomach is nauseated. Want to hurt myself too. Get it over with. Cut my throat. Let me die. Die die die die.

9/20 Thursday 11:05am

Have barely worked the last week since the hurricane hit and we’re in storm mode. Had my first “shift” start at 6 this morning, and I was the only one in the room. Was a good thing I came in to the office. Actually got some stuff done. Just really tired since I couldn’t get to sleep till 2:30 or 3, and got up at 4:22. Going home right at 2. Today hasn’t been bad, but I’m exhausted and sad at myself for being so fat and out of shape.

Animal crossing

Love Nicky

Clash royal

Good fantasy

9/26 11:53am

On train into work. Have two in-person meetings this afternoon. I regret volunteering to do the ITA stuff. Just added stress with no good outcome. My stomach hurts too. Don’t know if something actually wrong, or just anxiety of everything with work, deciding to go to the BigFix event tomorrow during work hours, and text Samantha lying I can’t come to the show. Too many lies happening at once due to my anxiety. I guess I do have anxiety. My depression making my life difficult makes me have anxiety. God my stomach hurts. Kill me kill me I want to die. Slit my throat just want to die. Just disappear I just want to disappear. First steps I need to take today to help fix my anxiety

1. Call and reschedule therapy as soon as I get off train DONE

2. Talk to Cathy and then John about change freeze issue with Websphere maintenance. Then get communications out. SENT AN EMAIL

3. Prep documentation for ITA meeting at 3. WORKING ON

4. Plan what time to leave tomorrow

5. Text Samantha for details (address, what time I should get there, etc)

6. Plan to drive home after show

Die die die die die die di die die die die die kill me

10/3 Wednesday 2:51pm

I’ve not been into work since last Wednesday, and hardly online all this week. Finally got a text from manager this morning asking what’s up. Ready to kill my self.

10/4 Thursday 1:24pm

On the train into work for a 2pm meeting I’m hosting. I may barely make it in. Barely. Or I’ll be late. Shocker. I’m useless. I look and feel disgusting. Literally just need to know if Cathy will fight if we have to push the qa and prod environment during a change freeze. If not, what will happen if we have pushed test and dev, but can’t push prod/qa for months?? I highly doubt that’s okay.

11/1/2018 Thursday 1:12pm

Waiting for the train. Overslept for therapy and then an important meeting I said I’d be late for, but not miss the entire fucking thing. I’ve pretty much given up on therapy for now. Doesn’t make a difference, and won’t get another appointment for 2-3 months, if they’d even give me one with how many no-shows I’ve done. My stomach acid is killing me.

Have meeting. Schedule jobs for 5. Go eat hibachi. Take train home. Meeting is at 2. Doubt chuck will be there. Cathy may call in or not. Literally just depends if John/srini at there. If not, will be over in 10 minutes. If they are, just keep chugging along with Websphere (need to plan how to do QA and PROD along side OS patching.

Wednesday - do it right after patching for Linux/aix. Try and include windows in the patching, or same scenario.

Do we think it’s worth doing adc/cdc groups still? Or just all at once?

Thursday - Linux/aix I do manually (hit B & C right at 5, and then A when it finishes)

11/29 Thursday 9:25am

Going into the office. I’m just really sad. I’m up to 283lbs without any clothes on. I’m working nights now with patching at work. I’m rude to the point that I don’t even move my bag on the train. It’s just all really sad. It’s not bad enough I’m hurting myself or suicidal thoughts, but I’ve just been emotionally numb. I quit taking my medicine for about a week or two, but then noticed an increase in anger, so started taking them again.

12/18 Tuesday 3:39pm

Sitting at a jimmy johns nears my apartment eating. On vacation from work, and watching Lily till Thursday, but I’ve had to be online some because patching still isn’t being covered by the EDC, even though Matt apparently was handling it but clearly didn’t? I’ll be up anyways, so I’m not mad mad, but more just annoyed, because I’m not doing this come January. Pretty depressed though. Sleeping all the time. I weigh over 285lbs now. Maybe I’ll die from a heart attack in 2019? I’ve not been taking my medicine lately, but I’ll run out soon anyways unless I schedule an appointment with my doctor. Definitely see my anger spiking some when I’m not on it while driving or the sorts. Last Friday I went into work and ran into my manager(s) which was good. Talked some, and mentioned about the possibility of moving to Durham. Would be okay, but did mention Charlotte is better career wise, which is true (but I’m okay with that?). I’m just sad all the time still. Apartment is a mess almost always, which isn’t good for the cats. I hardly ever clean their litter boxes, and it’s disgusting for them. Which reminds me I have to take them to the vet. I should call when I get back to schedule something and also clean their litter boxes before anything else.

2/18 10:02am

On my way into work to train one guy on patching, even though I’ll probably be the one having to do it the rest of the week. Was in an accident yesterday. Car hit me from behind. Surprisingly still shaken from it. I’m pathetic. Have to call insurance today since they said they were closed yesterday. Hopefully it’s just visual damage. The bumper popped off a bit, but I don’t know if it can just be popped back into place. I know nothing about cars. Other persons was much worse, but no one was hurt at least. I wish I was hurt. Just kill me. Be done with it all.

Work is never ending stress, this fucking house is too. AND I JUST REMEMBERED IM ON-CALL ALL THIS WEEK FFS. Please let it be quiet. I’m begging you. With all the SDE’s and ongoing stuff, don’t let there be anything for me. Slit my throat.

2/20 Wednesday 2:04pm

Sitting at a car body repair shop getting an estimate by Statefarm. Hopefully should be fine. Work is stressing me out. House is too. I’m responsible for getting the WebLogic patching done, but it’s all up to Srini looking at the problem servers. It’s not fair to him as I’m sure he’s swamped, but he’s the only one who can fix it. Also that one guy who sent that needs to go fuck himself. Passive aggressive fuck. Then with the house. They finally responded saying they want their roofer to take a look, which is fine. Just don’t come back and argue you’re not doing anything. I’m so done with that shit. Just offer to pay half and be done with it. Then my mental health is just terrible. Want to hurt myself. When I get home may take a butter knife or something and hurt myself. Cut my throat. Not even going into the office tomorrow even though I said I would. Fuck Friday. Please be a quiet oncall week. I’m beginning you, just like I do ever time I’m oncall. It’s pathetic. Wish I had cancer instead of Tom. Let me die instead of him. Mom needs him. Just let me die.

It’s Wednesday. Need to make it through the weekend. “Work day” just tomorrow. Have other work to do, but I’m not as worried about the after hour work for IE9 IE11 and office 2010 SP2. Slit my throat slit my throat

1 note · View note

barelynakedthoughts · 3 years

Text

Wow, the past few days have been unreal. I last updated on Thursday in the morning soon after they had started pumping in pitocin. From 12pm, May 12th, until 5 am, May 14th, I was dealing with contractions. 41 hours of early labor and it only led to being dilated by 4cm.

I used a fitness orb, a fitness peanut, slow dancing, varying leg positions. Nothing pushed me into active labor. They kept saying to make it to 6cm and we'll be in the home stretch. The contractions got so strong throughout the day, too. I didn't want an epidural because I didn't want to do it so early. If the beginning took this long, can the ending really be that short? I wanted the baby in my arms but I knew he wasn't ready so I waited for him to give me a sign. (Note we can freely say pronouns now)

I believe at 10am on May 13th, they broke my water because I had made it to 4cm. It felt like things were moving so nicely! The doctor who came in at 6 am wa snot very comforting -made me cry. She gave me minimal answers and her visit was brief. Had I obtained the knowledge of inductions and labor that I have now, I would have been okay, but it was all so new to me and she was very curt after working her 24 hour shift. I wish she would do people favors and just not do those shifts. It would give her a better bedside manner. She basically gave me my first crying spell and I felt so desperate for four hours.

A new doctor came in soon after that. She reminded me of General Holdo from Star Wars, except I have no clue if she had purple-ish hair. Though Jackie, the nurse who talked a lot, had purple-ish hair. I could see it sticking out through her hair cap thing. Our room was always dark so I didn't really see much going on. Anyways, they broke my water and the contractions quickly turned into pain, pain and more pain. Not cramping pain, but pain nonetheless. I was on 2-30 levels of pitocin (whatever that means), and when the water broke, I was contracting every 1-2 minutes for hours on end. I breathed through all of them, dealt with the pain and kept my mind on the goal.

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I was thankful for the nurse we had the night before they broke my water, Shawna, because she knew how to just be there for me. When the new nurse came in after that terrible doctor visit, I wasn't all too thrilled cuz she talked a lot and overexplained things, but she at least made it very apparent that she cared. Shawna came back later in the evening, but she wasn't my nurse. She just knew that I liked her and she just wanted to help. It was a relief to have her there for a little bits she came in on.

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May 13th was like one last date day between Ryan and I. Besides the constant pain and regular contraction pauses, he and I just talked, hugged, watched Falcon and Winter Soldier, cried, laughed, and appreciated the other one being there. We barely got any rest. Though Ry was able to get a bit more than me, but not much. It was honestly a blurry of a day for me since I spent most of staring at focal points (the red light from the TV being turned off or Ryan's eyes or the up button for the bed or even this white piece on a red container on the baby's soon-to-be panda warmer). Im trying to write as much down as possible, but I know I'll miss a few things.

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As the day progressed, my energy level dropped substantially. I gave up my fitness orb life and I embraced bedrest for the first time in the pregnancy. Going to the bathroom was difficult and I was constipated. Stupid magical hemorrhoids that appeared two days before going in the hospital.

Those pesky IV issues got worse. As my pain increased, I had to deal with a 5 IVs. After the one in my elbow went off sixty thousand times, the nurse finally called the anesthesiology team to try another spot but with a deeper vein. She found it with an ultrasound, which was neat, and she had to really numb my arm to get it in there. It was the best IV, though. It really stuck in there and I only had minimal issues with the IV tower. Thank goodness because I was at my wits end at that point. Though Jackie ended up finish the IV and reconnecting my pitocin and fluid drips...she taped the IV to my hospital bracelet. So when anyone tried to scan it, I had to twist my arm painfully.

The one time, the food people came. I twisted my arm to have them read it, and they didn't even scan it....but we'll the damage was done. I had accidentally disconnected everything. The IV started gushing blood like a fountain and I just sat on my fitness orb with nothing much to do but hope it stopped soon...or that someone would come in. My husband actually had to go get someone because there was blood everywhere. All the while, I was contracting every 3 minutes at that point. So a fountain of blood just pushing out while squeezed my own legs. What a trip! The final IV sat in my arm up until May 15th...it was annoying to breastfeed with it in. I had to finish my toradol pain meds before it could come out.

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As the day went on, I kept contracting but nothing changed...at 10pm, they finally told us our options: more of the same or having a c-section. We were looking at a failed induction if we didn't progress to 6 cm by 5am, May 14th. At the point, it would have been 18 hours post my water being broke and the chance of infection would then steadily increase. I didn't take the news well and I cried. My night time doctor, who I had seen in the office and who is actually a midwife, was the one who broke the news. She tried to say it was natural to feel sad about this, but honestly...nothing was going to console me after here the word "failure".

Just like my sister, the pitocin failed. Before they officially said it failed, they did a pit rest (a 1-2 hour pitocin break) and then started the process at 2 levels again. We made it up to 10 levels before they called it at 430am. My cervix stopped at 4cm and there was no changing it. Though at that time, I had finally accepted the c-section. It was the right choice and it meant getting to see our baby sooner. We just needed to pray again for safety, healing and life...plus tell our families that I was having a c-section. They were wondering where we went for so long because I just cried for a while and asked that my husband not share anything until we were ready.

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The surgery was interesting. I wasn't really contracting anymore but I was exhausted, starving, shaking, and ready to be done. They wheeled me over without my husband so they could give me a spinal anesthetic, still no epidural. I sat there breathing in and out. Using yoga techniques to keep myself present and prepared for a flexible response. I hate the idea of needles going into my spine. I don't care about needles...it's the whole losing movement permanently issue. I need to be able to move and fidget to breathe calmly and react appropriately.

After they were finished, they slowly lowered me back. My legs went numbs and I started to shake uncontrollably. My teeth started chattering. It was if I was extremely cold so they put 3-4 warm blankets on me. I can't remember how many but I do know there were 5 total on me when all was said and done. They splayed my arms out like I was being crucified and I made sure not to move them beyond the shaking. I have no clue how long the procedure lasted but it was light outside when they were done. I believe it was less than an hour, but I honestly don't know. Time had become irrelevant yet so necessary by then. Time still hasn't recovered and it's been almost 3 weeks. (Note: I've been writing this on and off since the hospital stay.)

C-sections are weird. You're awake for the whole procedure and you can feel everything happening to you - the incision, the hands rooting around your insides for the baby, the baby coming out with their arms and legs hitting the sides of your open stomach as they leave, the uterus flopping around. There's just no pain involved.

When my baby came out, he didn't cry much, but when I heard his first squeal, my husband and I cried, too. He was finally here. Our baby boy was alive and well. A 7lb 5oz baby measuring at 20 inches even though he was a few weeks early. He was fully grown and ready to be with us. They measured him, cleaned him a little and got all his vitals while the doctors finished up with my stomach. They gave him to my husband to hold and I got to slightly touch the baby. I cried the whole time because of how happy I was. It was the most fulfilling moment and it was just the beginning of my son's life.

The surgeon was the OBGYN who recommended us to the fertility clinic three years prior, almost to the date. We had come full circle. She still has a weird bedside manner, but the whole thing was surreal. She did a good job and we all made it out safely. My husband was so nervous holding our baby. It was his first time ever holding a baby. I didn't want a c-section, but I was glad when everything was over. My legs remained numb for a while - a few hours I think? In order to graduate to the mother/baby unit and to eat, I had to be able to move my toes. It was a weird feeling to be able to move my arms and not my lower body. Around my incision, I'm still a bit numb there and apparently, I could be for a long time.

We took our first picture together and I look terrible, as if I had gone through pain for 3 days straight. My husband, the always photogenic one, looked great and our son could barely be seen. At least we have this family photo - even if no one else is allowed to see it. My body was still shaking. My shoulders were starting to hurt and feeling was coming back to my lower extremities slowly. They were prescribing me motrin, tylenol and oxy. I only took tylenol because the rest seemed frivolous. Sure, I was in pain, but nothing compared to the contractions and well, I survived all of that with just a tylenol here and there for headaches.

By about noon, I was starving by this point. It had been 30ish+ hours of early labor since I had last eaten. We ordered food (with some hiccups along the way) and finally got to eat when we arrived the mother/baby unit. It was then we started our four day stay of recovering, figuring out parenting, breastfeeding, and personal survival, and being interrupted every hour by nurses, doctors, consultants, social workers and who knows who else. I had only gotten about 2-3 hours of sleep in total during the 3 days of delivery. I matched this during the first few days of parenting, too. Even when I got home, I lived on 2 hours max for about three days straight. A week+ of no sleep really did me in. I was exhausted and finally got rest when I slept through a few alarms. Thankfully my husband took over that night because I needed it.

While in the mother/baby unit, our son had dropped about 10% of his birthweight. He was dehydrated and having a tough time pooping because of the weight loss. It was getting much milk because my nipples wouldn't stay erect while he was eating. Plus he kept falling asleep and it was hard to keep him demeanor.

A lactation consultant visited 6 times. I didn't like the first one, but then we lucked out with Renee for the rest of the visits. She was understanding and she didn't pressure us to breastfeed her way. She thought of different ways to encourage us and give solutions, such as a nipple shield or supplementing formula. Renee revealed that her oldest went through this as well and that it doesn't help when the hospital staff tells you how to do everything their way without listening to your needs. I commend her for her absolutely genuine care and reassuring assistance.

A few nurses were stellar (not Shawna awesome, but still great to have). Katie gave us our first few hours of rest. It also hurt his weight cuz I was delayed on the feedings, but she gave us swaddlers, extra blankets, shirts, etc. She also made sure to talk to us like we were humans and not patients who were leaving in a few days. Kristie was the first one to see me cry and she knew exactly what to do. She brought us the right sized nipple shield and flanges. She brought us a ton of formula. She helped ease my feelings of hopelessness transition into a sense of pointed purpose. The other nurses - Salimah, Anna, Natalie and a few others in the mother/baby unit were the best parts of the stay. Even if they all provided varying levels of care.

The doctors were too quick with their check-ins and I didn't really enjoy their presence. They had the best intentions but we felt like a mark on their checklist. I assume they have too much to do in one day.

The room was small for a three person family but large enough for everything we needed to do while there. Our baby had a little plastic tube of a bassinet with two drawers of storage. My husband had to sleep on the most uncomfortable couch out of the three he ventured on. I believe it was this one that he caught an ear infection from because he didn't use the bed setting. He used the regular couch setup because the bedding was slanting.

The bathroom was pretty big, though. I put many mesh underwear and large pads on in there. It's where a nurses used a perineal bottle on me and showed me how to use it. It's where I took my first post-surgery shower and found out my stomach was numb still. I liked our original room with the induction unit best because of the couch for my husband, and I loved the huge size of the labor/delivery room. The bathroom for the mother/baby unit was best. It was right next to my bed during a time when it was hard to walk. Plus it served as a dish washing site and a great place to rest from all the noises in a hospital.

I had a catheter in from the c-section and by the time they took it out, I was very hydrated. Peeing clear impressed the nurses who took it out - I guess it's the little odd things that make the day better.

My husband and I fought multiple times in the hospital and since coming home. We're exhausted. We don't fight often, but when we do, it is normally because one of us is tired...and well, we're always tired right now.

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It's now 6 weeks post delivery and our little guy is doing well. He's a tad under the weather (doctors says a cold), but otherwise he is 11 pounds and 22 inches long. He grows pretty fast so he may be heavier by now.

These last few weeks have been very tough and I've gone through a lot of emotions. It's a lot of work and we asked for it. We really wanted a child and now we're finding out how hard it is to raise one. Yet would I trade my son for anything? No. This shows how bad we wanted a child and also how much we are still willing to sacrifice in order to hold him for many more years. The birthing experience was not what I wanted, but he came home. That's all I prayed for...and it's exactly what we got. I can only be thankful to God for his life right now. My heart feels warm.

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This post took six weeks to write because I don't have much time anymore. Most of it was done while in the hospital, but some parts had to be completed or filled in afterwards. It barely covers everything that happened during our 6-day stay. It was a long and arduous time, and now we are met we an harder time of caretaking. Parenthood is so glamorized and I'm here to tell you how much it shouldn't be. The afterglow is wonderful and the heart fuzziness is neverending. No, seriously. I feel joy even when my son is crying and I don't know what to do to help. Yet, we paint pictures of cuddling babies and doing fun activities, but it's a lot more than that. Make sure you want a baby before having one. It's a lot of work to get to the time where they can take care of themselves alongside you. It's years of waiting for them to grow old enough to just pee on their on own. It's many days wondering if you're doing okay as a guardian. You just hope they survive your mistakes and your novice-abilities of taking care of a human life. As rewarding as it may be, you are forever changed. For at least the beginning parts, you will not have much time to do anything for yourselves besides eat and sleep, which is still something you lose and have to reteach yourself and your baby how to do at the same time.

I'm not complaining, just not being dishonest. I'd rather be open about my struggles than to sink in self-negligence. Sure, I probably have postpartum depression in a mild sense, but I am actively working to go beyond it. It's been tough to not have much time for myself, but I can't give up. I have to do this for my baby and for my husband. I have to keep going for myself, too. I owe it to me.

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damnitaddie · 7 years

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Adventures in Mental Health

I wanted to write this up before I forget any of the finer details. As I’ve mentioned before, I tend to take my mental health very seriously. With the amount of stressors that I have experienced in the last 2 years, I’m not ashamed to say that depression has been a problem. When you also consider that one of my best friends committed suicide about 10 months ago after losing his battle with depression, it becomes even more important to me.

Over the last year, I’ve been working with my family doctor and my psychologist to find a balance. My GP has tried adjusting my dosages, as well as trying different drugs, to no avail. Both at separate times suggested that I see a psychiatrist that had more specific knowledge on psychotropics. I was recommended to a center that was staffed with both nurse practitioners and doctors of psychiatry. I called and set up an appointment for this past Thursday.

As I normally do when visiting a new doctor, I downloaded their intake paperwork completed it a couple days prior to the appointment. Nevertheless, I arrived about 13 minutes early for my 10:15 appointment. I signed in at the front desk and took a seat. The first thing I noticed was how busy the place was. The building being a repurposed house didn’t have a large waiting room and it was full. Additionally, some of the people waiting had restaurant style pagers.

10:15 came and went as I amused myself on the internet as usual. As 10:30 came, I called my

Seriously?

manager to let him know that I would be coming in later due to a doctor’s appointment. At 10:38, I finally got up and went back to the window to see if they had forgotten about me. She motioned towards the check-in book.

“I signed in at 10:03. The sticker I signed has been peeled off”, I replied.

With no apology or explanation, she took my paperwork and a copy of my ID, then provided me with a pager of my own. I sat across from a mother and daughter, who were waiting for a 10AM appointment. She was finally paged at 10:52. In less than 5 minutes, her appointment was over. I’m thinking, “Seriously? SERIOUSLY?” in my best Meredith Grey voice.

About that time, I get called and simultaneously vibrated as my table for four is ready.. Oh wait, this is a mental health office, not Texas Roadhouse. So I meet my new person. His name is, well, we’ll call him Steve. So Steve invites me into his office. The first thing I notice is that it’s like my office at home. A mess. Stuff everywhere. Which, I can’t cast stones in glass houses, but hey! I don’t see patients in my office. We just play video games and post passive aggressive tweets. I digress.

He introduces himself, and we’re exchanging pleasantries. He mentions that there’s an Addison in his family, but that Addison is a boy. I told him that a hundred years ago, Addison was primarily a masculine name, but in recent decades has become more popular as a woman’s name. I also mentioned that I had a non-binary/agender friend and their name is Addison as well. This is where things started to go sideways.

“What is non-binary?” he asks.

At first I think he’s joking. Then as I look at his face, I can actually see the puzzled look on his face. It’s the same face my seven year old makes when I explain something technical. It’s not dramatically different than my dogs cocking their heads to one side when you say, “Who’s a good dog?”

I explained that there are people who don’t identify with either male or female, that there are people who are fluid between genders and then some, like my friend, who are agender. They don’t identify as any gender. I got the feeling that, maybe.. I was his first trans patient. Somehow, it feels slightly unfair that this guy brings in at least $75-100 an hour, but I have to educate him on things that he could find on google.

Next, Steve starts with a brief history. I give him the broad strokes, my laundry list of medications. What we’ve tried, etc. I always like when a professional asks me, “Why such a low dose of X?” To which I’m thinking, “Uh, IDK. That’s what the doctor told me to take???”

Anyway, he asks about family history. I tell him what I know, in terms of mental health. Then we go into alcoholism and addiction. I explain about my father and his sobriety up until his passing. He pushes deeper about the rest of the family.

“Well, I was raised catholic, so that should give you an idea”, I quipped.

He doesn’t get the joke and continues to push on it. I explain that if you go AA’s “Twelve Questions Only You Can Answer” page, many of my family members would have fallen on the spectrum at some point in their lives.

Finally, moving on, I’m asked about any past surgeries. Mind you, all of this was listed on my intake paperwork. I tell him that I had GRS in May and then Breast Augmentation in November. That I had my wisdom teeth out about 16-17 years ago but other than that, no other significant medical interventions.

I explain that I’m having a number of issues aside from just typical depression. My problem list:

Trouble concentrating

Issues staying on task

Constant exhaustion, lethargy, and malaise.

Nervous Anxiety

Clenching my jaw subconsciously when I’m awake.

Then we take, what feels like, a drastic course change back to Transtown™. First is a question that’s so hard for a trans person to answer, at least in the first couple years.

“Are you still,” motioning with his hands towards his crotch, “…. um… male down there?”

I shot him the kind of look that only a mother would give to her kids when they’re out of line and replied, “I was never male.”

It’s called a penis.

As he stumbled over his words and tried to make a coherent sentence, I asked if it was medically relevant to my mental health? Mind you, if he had read my intake paperwork, or had any familiarity with trans patients, he’d have know without asking. He said it was, because some of the drugs have sexual side effects, including erectile dysfunction.

And once again, I had to come back to Trans 101 and explain that a decent percentage of trans women who are post-op or non-op have issues with getting or maintaining an erection. Because of the use of anti-androgens, such as Spironolactone, our testosterone levels are typically lower than the average cis woman. I explained that mine were normally somewhere in the 8-12 range, on a scale of 8-55 for cis women, cis men having a much higher range from ~300-1000 (ng/dL).

I went on to explain that there was a much better way to ask those questions to a trans person. I suggested, “Do you still have a penis?” Or even better “Do you still have testicles?”

From that point on, I pretty much checked out on this dude. Especially when he started to show me facebook pictures of his sister’s lesbian wedding on his phone. Because, you know I’m a lesbian, so we must all lesbian together. Or something.

In the end, he had two cardboard boxes of some drug called “Trintellix” of which he rummaged through and gave me two sample bottles. He basically claimed it to be the best stuff on the planet and that a number of his patients had seen improvements in 1-3 days. Which is odd, because my understanding of SSRI’s is that they usually take a couple weeks to build up a normal level in your system. He wants to see me back in two weeks.

Sorry, I think I’ll skip it.

Adventures in Mental Health was originally published on TransVentures

#depression #dumb people #transgender

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chantalkrcmar · 4 years

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Chin Up

Mumbai is opening up very very slowly. More work is being done in the city, as in some construction projects are humming back to life; rickshaws are operating again (still no local trains); and we can step out of our building gates without getting the smack-down from the police. But most shops are still closed; restaurants and cafes remain shuttered; it’s still extremely difficult to find anywhere to be outdoors, as beaches and parks have very limited hours if they are open at all. And rules about what we can and cannot do are so convoluted, seem to change day by day, and are so poorly communicated, that we still don’t really know what is permissible.

Case in point:

From what we could gather, Mumbai beaches were supposed to be open again. So we made plans to meet friends for a social distancing playdate at an under-utilized section of Juhu Beach this morning. When Rahul, Anamika and I got to that part of the beach, a police officer informed us that the beach is only open to walkers 5am-9am and 5pm-7pm. It was 9:30am. I was annoyed because we had passed the main entrance of Juhu Beach on our way to this one, and there were people on the beach. Not that many people so it was perfect for social distancing, but enough people to know that somewhere the beach was open. Whether or not it was supposed to be. So we called our friends and told them to hold tight until we checked on our prospects down beach.

We then went to the main entrance of Juhu, and waltzed onto the beach with no problem. We called our friends and they joined us. Anamika and her buddy Georgia started merrily digging in the sand; the lifeguard came by and told us not to swim because the currents are too dangerous during monsoon (I had to bite my tongue from saying: “We wouldn’t let the girls swim in garbage-infested waters anyway!”); and we adults sat on the sand appropriately distanced from one another and started chatting.

And this is where it gets comically absurd…

Eventually, a police officer in a jeep rolled up to us and explained two things:

1) The beach indeed was closed because it was after 9am. Permit me to editorialize: This seemed like baloney to me. There were a number of people on the beach so it was clear the enforcement was…shall we say, spotty?! All I could figure was that the police officer on duty at this section of beach must have taken a longer chai break or something. (I know it’s not nice to always make fun of Indian police, but they are such a generally hapless, incompetent — and too-often corrupt — bunch.);

2) Even if it had been between the approved period of beach time, he intoned that only walkers were allowed. So no sitting down. Ever. While we all nodded politely and thanked Officer Whozeewhatzit for his service, I was thinking, “Next time we come, I’ll just jog in circles the entire time Anamika builds sand castles.”

Back to the incompetent police comment…As we were slowly making our way off the beach, another police officer standing near the road was blowing his whistle at us in a very desultory manner. I mean, we really were dawdling, and presumably breaking a sacred COVID-19 rule by still being there, and he literally would not move to hustle us off. Even to protect public health. Clearly, he could not be bothered to do much to get us off the beach (now 1 1/2 hours after the beach was officially closed). This is such a typical scene: Indian police in action — meaning no action whatsoever. Unless they are moved to use their laathis (large batons with which they regularly beat people, especially Muslim Indians).

This whole beach experience is kind of funny. Until you realize that it is a clear demonstration that even as lockdown restrictions “ease,” we are still pretty much locked inside our apartments for lack of anywhere to go in Mumbai. And we can’t get out of Mumbai (not allowed), so there’s really no escape to greener pastures for some breathing room.

Incidentally, the rule to have the beaches in Mumbai open 5am-9am and 5pm-7pm MAKES NO SENSE from a public health standpoint. I understand that they are trying to avoid massive crowds. But this is a flawed way of doing it. Mumbai is a very late-night city, so the day doesn’t really start for most people, including children, until 11am or so. Anamika is taking a little online art class which starts at 10am, and the other 4 and 5 year olds in the class often are still rubbing the sleep out of their eyes when class starts. My daughter, on the other hand, has already been awake for hours at that point! (Being early risers, Anamika and I are bad Mumbaikers.) So, there is no need to close the beaches as early as 9am. Seriously. There were so few people out on Juhu Beach this morning. Even being stuck inside ALL DAY LONG is not enough of an incentive to get people out of bed early here. And then to open the beach from 5pm-7pm is a disaster. That’s when everyone and their mother-in-law starts moving about — and when the beaches will be overrun. Exactly when we will not go.

Most decisions made during this COVID-19 disaster here in India have been totally inexplicable. As the country slides deeper and deeper into danger, the decisions seem more and more crazy. (These beach rules are nothing compared to most other rules and policies.) Let’s just say, no one in a position of power here is inspiring confidence that s/he is capable of steering this gigantic, overcrowded ship to shore. Any shore. I know those of you in the US have had to live with expert leadership during this pandemic, too. ;-) But at least some states in the US have competent leaders who have been doing their best to manage coronavirus — despite Trump’s best efforts to make things even worse. I wish I could say the same, but since our state of Maharashtra, and our city of Mumbai in particular, are the poster children for COVID-19 nightmares in India (second only to Delhi), I’m afraid I can’t. Give me Charlie Baker over Uddav Thackeray any day.

Warning: Writing does a lot of different things for me, one of which is it helps me manage my feelings. So this post gets a bit heavier from now on. For those of you who don’t want anything but fun Theater of the Absurd, you can stop reading now.

I have been trying to stay as upbeat as I can through this COVID-19 crisis. For Anamika’s sake. And for my sake. Overall, I am stubborn enough to continue keeping my chin up, to continue playing like a four year old, to continue goofing off, and to continue finding laughter in everyday stuff. Honestly, I don’t know what else to do. But the stress is starting to wear me thin.

I will admit that I have moments now when I am very scared. I am scared for my family’s health and well-being. I am scared that we are trying to make it through a pandemic in a multi-generational home with family members at high risk (my mother-in-law, in particular), in a developing country with a healthcare system that is a shambles. The first couple months of our lockdown, I was better at keeping the fearful moments at bay. Things in Mumbai were not as horrendous as they are now, and I have just become more depleted as I have to give more and more to my family and I have so few ways of re-filling my tank. But with recent headlines such as this one, “India coronavirus numbers explained: Many milestones, all worrisome” (https://indianexpress.com/article/explained/india-coronavirus-numbers-explained-covid-19-cases-deaths-milestone-6456768/), it’s kind of hard NOT to worry.

It is becoming increasingly clear that even our solidly middle class status here is not necessarily enough to get us on a lifeboat if India’s ship keeps sinking. (That’s not entirely metaphorical given that there are no commercial international flights and no ways to even get out of Mumbai now.) I am scared my in-laws won’t make it through this. I am also scared that Rahul, Anamika and I will increasingly struggle with lockdown(s) and the stress of managing this pandemic under the harsh circumstances here. And as COVID-19 cases spike here with lockdown relaxations and migrants moving back to their villages in about as unsafe a manner as could be (thanks to our central and state governments), we very well may be headed for waves of lockdown after lockdown for a long time. That’s exactly what they’re doing in Pakistan.

For the past 2 1/2 months, I have been watching in horror as daily wage earners have been starving their way through lockdown — and catching coronavirus at disproportionate rates. And now I am watching in horror as the coronavirus numbers keep rising, and India is muddling through a sort-of relaxation of lockdown — making all of us vulnerable. As this newspaper article (https://indianexpress.com/article/india/covid-19-coronavirus-delhi-maharashtra-gujarat-6454868/) states, Mumbai is almost out of ventilators and ICU beds. As in, completely. And many experts actually argue that Mumbai already has run out. “Never let the truth get in the way of a good story” seems to be the government’s motto here. And that says nothing of masks, protective gear, and numbers of healthcare professionals capable of taking care of COVID patients, as well as people with other medical needs.

For those of you who have ever lived in a developing country, you know the severe limits of healthcare in many such places. For those of you who haven’t, I am sure you can use your imagination. Without a pandemic, we were lucky to be able to afford excellent healthcare here. Rahul and I would never have moved here if that was not the case; we would never put Anamika at risk in that way. But now with a pandemic, we may not be able to continue relying on good healthcare. A friend of Rahul’s mother who is diabetic, and no spring chicken, has contracted coronavirus; the hospital she went to sent her home. Diabetics are a high risk category, for goodness sake. These people have money; they went to a good hospital; they still got punted. Being trapped (which we are) in a potentially dangerous situation is unsettling, to be sure.

The intimate contact amongst people of all castes and classes here in India has always fascinated me. But it is that intermingling that could make the effects of COVID-19 more — shall we say — egalitarian. The country cannot (or, at least, does not) run without people who live in the most vulnerable communities coming into close contact with middle and upper class people all the time. Lots of rich people have staff who clean their homes and buildings and cook for them, and nannies to take care of their children. But even for families that have furloughed their “house help” and nannies, there are so many other ways that people of all castes and classes come into contact with one another.

We do not have a nanny (never have), and our dear caretaker Ambhubhai lives with us so he is stuck with us anyway. But take our building, for instance: I have already described the daily door-to-door milk deliveries here. There’s also a kutchra wallah (garbage collector) who comes door-to-door every morning. And then there’s the kela wallah (banana seller) who plies his bananas through our compound. And sure we could avoid buying anything from roadside vendors, but even socially distancing in grocery shops here is absolutely impossible. As is the case in the US, who keeps stores clean and stocked and who mans the cash box? Poor people, of course — the ones disproportionately getting coronavirus. We are literally in each other’s faces here. There is no way around it. (I know I have whined about the lack of possibilities for social distancing in Mumbai before, but I just cannot over-emphasize this issue.) Anytime any one of us leaves our building gates to get groceries, we could be bringing the dreaded C-word home — no matter how many precautions we take. Heck. We don’t even have to leave our building gates to bring in the C-word since so many others may bring it to us.

Another example: Just in the past couple weeks, the air conditioner and the TV in my in-laws’ bedroom broke. Obviously, they do not need a TV in their bedroom to survive. But the lack of AC in this brutal heat for elders with health problems is actually a real problem. And they are too afraid, understandably, to get a repairman to come to our apartment to fix anything. So they are sleeping at night in our cramped living room. But that can’t last forever; they’re barely sleeping. Eventually my in-laws will have to get a repairman to come. And he likely lives in a slum where coronavirus rates are higher, and…you get the picture.

Sure, we could stop drinking milk for the next year or however long this pandemic lasts. Sure, we could stop having our garbage collected for the next year. Sure, we could try to never ever leave our compound except for grocery shopping for the next year…But really, how feasible is that?!

And let me be clear: I am not advocating for locking poor people into their slums to protect those of us who live in more posh homes. Mumbai has been doing just that with “containment zones,” and it is horrific. Where COVID-19 numbers are the worst (which are mainly bastis (slums) and chawls (one step up from slums)), Mumbai police literally barricade those communities in. For weeks, the basti that is just down the lane from our apartment compound was one such “containment zone.” A large gate was placed across the lane to keep the basti dwellers in, the front gates to our compound which are typically never shut were locked to keep them out, and police patrolled the area all the time. Every time I saw this tableau of terror from within our compound, I got chills. Caged neighborhoods will be one of the enduring memories that I have of this dark time.

The lockdown here obviously could not last until COVID-19 is vanquished. Nor could it last until India got a functional healthcare system — which will not be in my lifetime, or even Anamika’s — if ever. Even with increasing COVID-19 danger, the world’s worst lockdown had to end at some point. The psychic and economic toll it has taken, and continues to take, here is grave. But India really really really screwed this up. Locking us all in for the past 2 1/2 months to prepare India for the epic COVID-19 battle did not prepare India. Even Modi’s cheerleading and patronizing “We Indians Are Tough” speeches are no longer keeping folks buoyed. Anyone who knows anything knows that we are all in deep trouble here.

The Economist (amongst other news sources more globally focused, such as Foreign Policy, and Economic & Political Weekly) paints a grim picture…

https://www.economist.com/asia/2020/06/06/covid-19-infections-are-rising-fast-in-bangladesh-india-and-pakistan?fsrc=newsletter&utm_campaign=the-economist-today&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_source=salesforce-marketing-cloud&utm_term=2020-06-10&utm_content=article-link-6

Politicians here are banking on India’s young demographic to save us from an unbearable number of fatalities. But that is not any consolation to those of us who are elders or live with elders (that would be my family)…And it is no consolation to those of us who worry that, god forbid, any of us younger folks get very sick from coronavirus. I know the stats well enough to know that Rahul and I are at extremely minimal risk of dying from coronavirus should we get it. But who would take care of Anamika if we get sick? My in-laws are not capable. We may even need to go to a quarantine center without her. Oh god, I can’t even think of that…And it is also no consolation for those of us who research the most vulnerable populations here in India (that would be me). I feel awful for the impoverished; I know how horribly tough they have it. They have no protection whatsoever. In some ways, I guess it serves us privileged folks right to finally have a taste of the bitter pill of vulnerability that poor people have to swallow all the time. We middle class folks in India still at this point have more safety from COVID-19 than poor people do — but we can no longer be arrogant to think that we will remain safe.

OK. Now that I have this off my chest, I am going to go back to chin-up. Time for a little healthy distraction with a “Downton Abbey” re-run. I know you won’t judge me. :-) And one positive thing, as my final note…

Not only are we Mumbaikers on top of each other any moment we leave our apartments, we Krcmar-Dave’s are on top of each other every moment we are in our apartment. I have to say that I am amazed that up until now we have not had any major blow-outs with each other. All six of us are sharing such a small space and we are together 24 hours a day. Sure, there have been moments when I have wanted to strangle certain members of my family. But I haven’t. Nor have they strangled me. I will allow myself to be proud of the fact that we adults are not taking the stress of this crisis out on each other all the time.

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allah-higherself · 5 years

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(1-20-19)Dewayne Byfield-Bey Islam Spiritual Experience while At American Extended Stay in Annapolis M.D.

I would Like to give Testimony Revelations 12:11,12..This morning (1-20-19)I experienced a Forced Manipulated Dream...I Dreamed that A Pale Skin Female(Extremely Pale) with Dark Black hair and Blue Eyes was having sex with me..

Special Note:I felt no Physical Sensation...

Dewayne Byfield- Bey,In the dream It seemed I was encouraging her to continue as we seemed to be humping...As I opened(Awake) my eyes,I heard a Female voice down the Hall(Outside of the Rm 116,at American Extended Stay)say, "That Peace,"another Male sounds like coming from Rm 118(Next door/Where I saw the U.S. Military male come out of) say,Paid... Dewayne Byfield-Bey,Many times Spiritually and Mentally after the Negro/Black Male& Female,(Un-clean Spirits Representing A Form of Christianity or the Spanish Speaking Ex.Mexicans,Puerto Ricans,etc.Representing Catholicism and Orthodox Islam),Try to Engage Mentally,or Physical plane,As I choose to Keep my Distance,Then the Un-clean Spirit of the "Pale Skin," un-kept,will Be used to Attack Genitals Spiritually and in the Dreams....

Dewayne sometimes they( or seen to Be Well Kept(Appearances)but are still used to Cause harm (Sending Pain to Joints)Mentally..

Too Many Times..

I Remembered some Moors Taught this is called "Hellinism."

Too Many Times a Black/Negro Un-clean Spirit have "Implied" to know Moorish Literature or Repeat Verses Of the(Out Moorish American State Papers) Holy Koran Circle 7,what other Moors have Spoken on the Sunday Conference Calls (Verbally and Telepathically,Seem2 Be Trying to Demonstrate a "Union")While Staring at My Genitals/Sacred Womb in a Lustful/Demonic manner...

These Filthy and Un-Clean Acts (Impersonators of the Un-Clean in Spirits)Remind me of Prophet Noble Drew All Prophesy in Caveat Emptor of Moorish Literature..Also in his Teachings of "What is Islam?" January 9,2019

Husband -Byfield-Bey -So many Times the Fire Alarm will go off on the middle of the night At American Extended Stay…and there is no fire. 1-9-19)..10min video fire Alarm going off. .

(link: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PHpStfTgawU)

m.youtube.com/watch?v=PHpStf…

in our room if we are cooking I understand…I don’t understand why the Main Fire Alarm system goes off..

Dewayne Byfield-Bey(1-14-19)(6:10am)I awoke(to get ready to earn money at Burger king).. with feeling a sharp full pain in my left ankle,Simultaneously sounds like a Spanish and it Pale Skin saying number(1),His gone,Kid…Some one hit the wall from Room 118,where I saw The Military U.S. Male come out of…The T.V. At American Extended Stay is on Live News,It seem..

Note..Seeing Guests with a Hospital /Medical/Psychiatric Uniform on..Odd.

Abasse Malik Beye Testimony(My Youngest son “19Years”) Being Spiritually Attack While He visit me…..

https://allah-higherself.tumblr.com/post/181818227347/abasse-malik-beye-testimonymy-youngest-son

There is still a Male with a Black /Negro Accent mumbling,in a Desperate,Derrange,Incubus tone..around and Outside the room..*****Special note:As I type this entry about theblavk/Negro male,A female around outside the room says , “Move”,I feel a sharp dull tone again left ankle..

(1-13-2019)Yesterday,While,I studied,prayed,and Meditated many times…People would speak Outside and around the Room..

Dewayne Byfield-Bey(1-12-19)(8:37pm)I noticed most of the advertisement on Twitter site are of Black /Negro Males(Picture/visual)..selling a product (8:37pm)I just deleted one as I was sending You an E-mail saying goodnight…as I did,Simultaneously a male outside the room mumbled,and I felt another Sharp pain in my left Shoulder..

Dewayne Byfield-Bey(1-12-19)(6:25pm),I am studying this Saturday as Usual..Reading,Meditating,Stretching@ American Extended Stay…Simultaneously at (6:25pm),Sound like a male to the Right of the Room(our)116- Mumbling ..This is outside and it around..next to This room is 118.(Where I saw the U.S. Military male leave from)…

Then a Male says Are you Ready - Outside and around the Room…more towards the other side near room 114..Simultaneously,I feel a sharp pain in my left Shoulder and knee..the pain is happening now,6:37pm..It lasted for about (1 minute)..

Special note: There is a Snow storm happening..Annapolis M.D. Supposed to get up to 5 inches

(1-12-19)(7:22pm)As I was writing notes of what I Studied,I thought of Telling You Dewayne about my week a Burger king for a moment..How one of the Co-workers (A black male name Damarcus)To me behave odd…For the past few days He constantly kept Forgetting to Give Customers their cup for their Meal Ritualistically….or Too constant to count…He has worked on the Front Line at this Burger King Too many times to count,and I have never seen him constantly or Ritualistically forget to Give Customers their cups….When I brought it to his attention,it sem soon later (Thursday,I Noticed) he seem to Be forgetting of details in Reference to Burger king’s customers..like handing out their Receipt..maybe this Week he wasn’t feeling well?

Anyway Dewayne as I thought about this,I felt a sharp dull pain in my lower back,someone outside the room(A male) said the number (1) simultaneously odd..

Dewayne Byfield-Bey(1-9-18)(1:56am)As I lay bed…I awoke.A male with a Spanish Accent from rm 118 (where I saw U.S military male come out of).possibly.He ,Keep saying um,hum simultaneously my SacredWomb being Attack Spiritually .I noticed this behavior from many Mecicans& Negro Black

Dewayne Byfield-Bey-(1-10-19)’m menestrating,Like many months,during this Time,I fall asleep thinking sexual of u,it picture.N a Dream,A black male,tryin2 have sex/ W/Me,I said,Never(I Am not interested in U)I was callin out ur name.I awoke.fell back2 Sleep.A male started pump

Dewayne Byfield-Bey(1-10-19)(11pm)- Rev12:11-Started to pump my Vagina,but not enter it,in my Dream.Going on 3rd pump,I opened my Eyes,closed my legs,make sure,I had no sensation.Simultaneously a Negro walk pass my door used word"Battery",rm118 stated running his water,Spanish

Byfield-Bey (1-10-19)Rev12:11,W/ a Spanish Accent started2 mumble.Another male sound derranged,Incubus tone, out of Breath,said, “You like it,” Outside around Room..Many times Un-clean Spirits Black/Negro male& Female,Spanish Boast how they molested/Rape Mu'urs Spiritually

Dewayne Byfield-Bey Picture of a similar bottle of chlorophyll Imani and I consume -(1)+

https://mobile.twitter.com/ArringtonBey1/status/933710405511319552/photo

(2)Nutritional Facts- https://nutritionfacts.org/topics/mental-health/

(3)1933 Legislative Jounal-House Resolution page 5759 NO.75 https://mobile.twitter.com/ArringtonBey1/status/918248679089299456/p

President Abraham Lincoln’s 13th Amendment with 20 Sections Ratified November 18,1865https://mobile.twitter.com/ArringtonBey1/status/887859609293254656/photo/https://mobile.twitter.com/ArringtonBey1/status/887859609293254656/photo/ https://mobile.twitter.com/ArringtonBey1/status/887859609293254656/photo/ https://mobile.twitter.com/ArringtonBey1/status/887859609293254656/photo

Dewayne Byfield-Bey Introduction to the Documentation –Imani Gray-Bey and (I)Rhonda Arrington -Bey(As Moorish Americans)do not know anyone Personally in Annapolis M.D…Nor have we Implied that we would like to know the People here Personally..We As Moorish Americans try to Demonstrate Prophet Noble Drew Ali’s Teachings by Respecting the boundaries those Spirits we are Among and hope they are educated to Respect Ours. https://mobile.twitter.com/ArringtonBey1/status/1063921107865079809/photo/

Note-At American Extended Stay makes and females around/Outside our room say or yell too many times- Military,Y'all about to lie down,Edge Water,Brother,We paid,That’s Peace,Mexico,That’s Us..in an Odd Desperate Manner of tone.(Black Negro/African Americans -male and female(Mostly female)keep mumbling the words “Your Son, “when I Am out.Sometimes hear Sharp Tones “Outside my Ear,when those Imply to Be connected to U.S.Military is near-Odd.. Imani Gray-Bey and (I) Rhonda Arrington-Vey Refrain from using the Word “People,” as much as possible

Pale skin when I Am out speak/Imply of form Magik,trying 2 Engage)

********We haven’t watch Live Television or You tube videos since 2012**

Published on Oct 7, 2018The Holy Bible public law of 97-280 October the 4th 1982 97th Congress Mathew 4:24,8:16,17,28,9:32,12:22,10:1,8 Mark 1:23 https://mobile.twitter.com/ArringtonBey1/status/1076837658259845124/

https://mobile.twitter.com/ArringtonBey1/status/1076837658259845124/photo/1

Allah The Spirit of Bondage and the Spirit of Freedom can not Exist in the same Atmosphere.The Earth,Universe was,is, have ALWAYs been in the Spirit of Love-Freedom-Peace,Truth-Justice-Law-Allah-Cleansing

Husband- Dewayne Byfield-Bey Islam,When I Re-Played my voice Recordings(Triggering thoughts of Studying),I heard the same words Repeated by some of the Black Male Regulars that sit at the same table(for hours some of them )…It seems Ever time they come into Burger king…The same words that I told the Manager Victoria Fuller at American Extended Stay,Stay

A Nation Can not “Rise” No Higher than Its Women

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