#i think i fell asleep at like 9:30pm last night and i woke up at 9am which is insane. i usually wake up at 7:30-8:00 on my days off

[campbyler]

highkey obsessed with these boys being such unreliable narrators. not only their perceptions of the world at present but their general unwillingness to divulge too much about the past, even in their own heads. and then each lore drop feels so irreverent and it’s just amazing how even something as objective as the facts of their history can be so infused with characterization. i love them both so so much and you guys are just gifting us such beautiful stuff chapter after chapter.

take care of yourselves and here’s to more restful nights ahead <3

filed under comments that made me run around in circles like a crazed rabid dog. thank you SO much. it's been such a joy to write unreliable narration and sprinkle in these little tidbits of their history and we're glad to see it having the effect we wanted it to <3

#asks #ch04 #acswy spoilers #also i have definitely been getting better sleep now #i think i fell asleep at like 9:30pm last night and i woke up at 9am which is insane. i usually wake up at 7:30-8:00 on my days off #but i needed it after friday HEHE

[vikings-til-valhalla]

I'm sorry I haven't updated this blog on the situation with my mom in almost 2 weeks.

Long story short, it's gotten worse. In every way.

I think I said last time that mom was sent home New Year's Eve, and that was where I'd left off. Well... the next day, New Year's Day, everyone woke up and we gathered together to open presents from Christmas. As we did, mom couldn't lift anything beyond a glass of water. And even then, it was a struggle. She could barely breathe, and kept complaining about her shoulder hurting. She kept using her inhaler. Too much. 3x in a day and you're supposed to go to the hospital. And she'd used it 3x in an hour.

I tried to convince her, and my father, to go to the hospital. But my father doesn't believe in any doctors ever, and argued there was nothing anyone at the hospital could do except tell mom to set up a cardiologist appointment, and that cardiologist will take care of this. I was absolutely livid, seeing as my father always refuses to admit he's wrong or even hear he's wrong. I told him the hospital could inject painkillers, and do X-rays, and give her the IV she clearly needed. And still, father wouldn't listen. I, angry, went to my room and fell asleep for many hours.

At 9pm I was woken up to a knock at my door. Father said he was taking mom back to the hospital. Finally. I said ok, and fell back asleep.

I woke back up again at 2:30am. I checked my phone, and realized a mass text had been sent to everyone, extended family and immediate. It said everything. All of it. The cardiologist who'd done the first surgeries, he drove in immediately. He ordered painkiller injections, and X-rays. Just like I'd said the hospital would do. Minutes later, Mom had stopped breathing, and couldn't talk. She was in a panic. Doctors sedated her, and instantly airlifted her by helicopter to the original hospital where she'd gotten her first surgeries. Examining the X-rays, they learned mom had fluid all around her heart, and multiple blood clots in her lungs. Immediately, the surgeons got her into a room and began yet another surgery.

9 clots were removed from her lungs. Mesh had been placed inside her lungs to prevent any other clots from reaching them again, which would kill her if they did. The fluid was removed from around her heart. But she remained under sedation, and to be honest, from the sound and urgency of the texts, I thought I'd surely lost my mom. I don't remember if I slept anymore after that, I don't remember anything else except for the next text I received at around 9:30pm the next night. Father was on his way home. Mom was still sedated, I think, maybe she wasn't, I don't remember. But after over 24 hours waiting, I'd seen a message saying she was at least stable.

The next days were a blur. Mom woke up at some point, and had lost all recollection of being brought home for 2 days, and had no idea where she was or how she got there. Whereas I'd been doing video calls with Mom every day since her first admittance to when she got home, I hadn't heard her voice or seen her face in days. All I had was the word of my father, who kept me updated on how she was doing.

I worked 1 day that week. And when I got in and checked the schedules for the upcoming weeks, I saw I had been cut back to just Saturday work. Despite the fact that I gave full time availability, and dropped out of college to work more, I'd gotten a kick in the ass. And that exact same day, a giant bill went through, overdrafting my only bank account by $140. I was worse than broke, and with no way to pay off the debt with working one job that utterly betrayed me.

The next day, I saw my mom at the hospital. For the first time in... a while, I'd seen her face. And she was doing alright. She said she was better than she'd been feeling. She had another giant blood clot that formed in her leg, and so she couldn't walk. Additionally, she was on oxygen, and given Albuterol treatments 5-7 times a day every day. We cracked tons of jokes to the point even the nurse was laughing, and we talked a lot. Then, when she was tired, my siblings, father, and I, all drove home. I was starving. I realized I hadn't been eating much. One meal a day. Every day. For... I'm not sure how long.

Father ordered pizza, and I scarfed down two slices like my life depended on it. I was about to go for more, but everything that was ordered was eaten between the 4 of us. And I went to my room, hungry. After father went to bed, I checked the fridge for something. Anything. I found nothing beyond some molded cheeses, and a partially stale roll. No slices of bread. So, hungry and tired, I found shredded cheese in a bag, slapped it on the roll, and threw it in the microwave a few seconds. I scarfed it down. Then, I went to bed.

I woke up shaking and weary the next day. I looked for something, anything to cook, but all I had was breakfast foods, and some vegetables. None of the basics. No proteins. I think I made a grilled cheese with what remained, but that was all I ate that day. Everyone else in the house had money, and plenty of it, and they were buying meals daily, or groceries that only they were allowed to eat and wouldn't share with anyone. They went out with friends all day, or ordered in, and father spent all his time at the hospital with Mom. So, I was alone. Broker than broke. With no food. And no way to get food. If I asked anyone in my house, I'd have to pay them back. And I'll be damn lucky to pay off the $140 I owe the bank with this paycheck that's coming.

I considered going to my friend's parents for the night, and asking if they'd feed me by some miracle. But, ashamed, I didn't go. I cried myself to sleep, hungry, weak, and made an executive decision for myself: I'd, for the first time in my life, go to the food pantry, and see what I could get my hands on. Bring that to my room when nobody was looking so I wouldn't be judged or asked questions, and keep it hidden. I fell back asleep until the pantry opened, and, checking my phone as always, found that some kind stranger sent me money for food. I cried again.

That moment, desperate for anything protein to eat, I ordered chicken and cheese to be delivered to the house. I ate it all in one sitting, starving up until that moment. Then, for dinner, I got a pizza and giant cookie, which I split across two days.

Today, I got a call from my mom for the first time since I saw her in the hospital. She was on and off with health. Her legs are probably going to be bound tomorrow. She's still on oxygen, and there's a chance, when she comes home, she'll remain on it via a tank. Nobody is sure yet... And I'm scared.

She, at the latest, was supposed to come home today. But, like every day, the doctors extended her stay for another 3-4 more days at least. But in my heart, I know it'll be far more than that. 3 weeks overall since the first surgery. And things have just kept going to shit.

Today, I ate 2 bowls of pasta, which was at least 1lb of pasta. I also ate the last of my cookie. The remaining pasta will sustain me another day or two. But after that, seeing as I didn't go to the pantry, I don't know what I'm going to do. All I can do is hope that mom is back by then, and then I can ask for her money to go shopping for groceries with.

My friend returns tomorrow, after weeks away. 3 weeks I believe. I've lost track of time and how much has passed. I just know that I work again on Saturday, and that today, I'm meeting with my friend to talk after weeks apart. And, maybe, if I get the courage, I'll ask if she can buy me a bag of chips or something to help me out. If not, I understand, no big deal. But I'm scared shitless.

Things look bleak for me. When I gave everything to my job, it took everything from me without notice, at the worst possible time. I'm alone, on my own, until further notice. Until mom returns. Until I can land a new job that, maybe, just possibly, gives me more time. I'm not sure, though. I'm not sure about anything... I'm truly at my lowest. But I keep going, anyway, for the simple hope that it'll be better tomorrow than it was today. And someday that'll become reality. Like everything else, I'm not sure when that'll be. But I'll keep going, anyway. Through debt, hunger, and worse.

#mun is a viking #food #tw hunger #tw medical

[grantiskeith]

Baby Wolf Cub (Davidxreader) Part 1

I have never written anything in my 9 years on this hellsite but redactedasmr has really inspired me. Let me know what you guys think so I can maybe do more. There is a part 2.

Words: 1.5k

I arrived at an empty warehouse and did a sweep of the outside and the roof. I cleared it and made my entrance through the air duct. The first interior room was an attic office it was silent. I watched it from the air vent, scanning for cameras, people, or otherwise. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw papers in the corner shuffled and a puppy moved to the center of the room to lay in a ball.

The tip about “barking” made more sense now. I opened the air vent and the noise from the scraping rust and banging metal made the little dog jump up and start barking. I am still in shock that such a tiny puppy made such a massive bark. You could hear him from down the block he was so loud. Growling and barking, he was not happy to be anywhere near me. I backed him into a corner and picked him up. He was shaking terribly but he seemed less angry. I pet him for a few minutes and then I nearly dropped him when he shifted into a naked little chubby baby. Holy shit, that supernatural bark made a lot more sense now. I was holding the baby with both arms, and I wasn't sure how to hold it in one arm so I could call someone for help. I also couldn't check the rest of the building safely and I couldn't take the baby back up the air duct. I decided to put it on the floor on its back. It was alone before, so I decided to just leave it in the room so I could make sure the building was empty or possibly find the mom and dad. When I got back to the room it was back into a dog. Fine by me, I feel less stressed carrying a dog, or I should say wolf, as opposed to a baby. I scooped him up and it became a baby again. Whatever at least I can walk out the door now.

I laid it down on the front seat of the car. 11:30pm. That's not too late to call him. It had been two weeks since I walked out. He kept threatening me and I was sick of it. I wasn't scared of him, but I had pride. I demanded to be treated with respect. My independence, his alpha pride. I walked away. I could have called other members of the pack, but how would that look. I hit his contact and waited. "Angel?" His voice sounded sleepy. That named stabbed my heart. "Hey hun sorry to wake you." "About time! Where have you been?" "I have a very important question. I'm on a case" He paused, there was a silence. I was on the street again, putting my life in danger again, doing a job he desperately wanted me to quit. "What is it?" He asked "Do you know of any werewolves around Chicago?" "Why?” "I am currently holding a baby that keeps shifting, it was abandoned in a warehouse" I thought I understood what a loving family looked like but after watching his pack for a while. I saw how serious packs took looking after little ones. "What? is it ok?" "It looks fine, maybe a little tired and scared. Do you have any leads I can look up?" His voice was no longer tired and instead very serious "Hang on, I'll call you back" I took the pup back into the warehouse with me, looking for clues. I turned the lights on this time, making it significantly easier to see, but made me seen to any hidden eyes. Concrete floor, walls lined with shelves, vaulted metal ceilings. I found what I was looking for. A shirt on the ground balled up in the corner, it had a blood stain. Bingo. The baby I was balancing on my hip rested his head on my shoulder and had fallen asleep. His precious face was all scrunched up and drool was pooling up on his lip. David rang. 12:01am "Hey! Whatcha got for me?" I was forcing energy to avoid sounding so tired "I got hold of Gerardo, he's the alpha in a pack not far from you. He can't come to help you, but he told me he doesn't know about any missing cubs" "Interesting" "He's lying" "Oh?" "For a pack to abandon a pup is a serious matter. If it's from his pack, there's no way he would take it back" "Well I still have a baby in my hand, someone needs to take it" "You should take it to the department" "What will they do with it?" He paused "Nothing good, governments never handle these matters gently" "Ok thanks, I'm just going to hang on to him for little while and see what I can find out. There is a CPS near by, it's probably related. Hey, I'm sorry I woke you up but thanks for all your help" He was silent again for a minute. "Angel, when are you coming back?" He would never actually admit to missing me, the stubborn bastard. "I miss you." I took a breath, "but I'm not ready to come back if I can't be a detective" "Detective? Angel, you aren't a detective. You're a criminal running around playing fake cop, throwing yourself across buildings. You're going to get shot or worse" He fell back into the same arguments from our last fight. "David! David" I tried to get him to shut up. "I need to go" click. I hung up. I kept the baby against my chest while I drove back to the hotel where I was staying. That night I slept in my bed with the baby next to me. As soon as he fell asleep, he shifted back into a wolf cub. I got back late at night. I opened the door of our apartment quietly and slipped in. I dropped my bag on the floor and sat back on the couch. I laid the baby on my chest and closed my eyes. "Angel?" I left my eyes closed but I felt David put both hands on my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. He leaned over to one ear and whispered, "Don't ever leave like that again" I sat up. "He's such a sweet and well-behaved baby," I said. Ignoring his previous comment to avoid an argument I was too tired for. "Let me take him," he said, I handed him the baby but once David had him, he turned into a sleeping puppy. "He can feel my aura. That's why he's a baby when you hold him" "Oh my god, that's so cute." "He's very young to be shifting and he's big too." He looked at

the sleeping puppy in his arms, "you're going to be an alpha aren't you?" I closed my eyes again, doing a bad job fighting off sleep, "Did you hear anything about a missing kid from any other packs" "I put out a word out, we'll have to wait to find out, we should..." He was interrupted by a massive thunder crack. The pup jumped out of David's arms and started barking and shaking and growling. David took a step back and shifted into a wolf. I've seen him do it before but in the small confines of the living room, he seemed to be as big as our couch. All he had to do was look at the puppy and the baby silenced and sat at attention. David laid down and the puppy curled up next to him. I went to make a cup of tea. "A few years ago, I stopped a robbery. It was a 15-year-old girl with a gun demanding pain killers from Walgreens. I escorted her out of the store, and I took her gun. She hadn't done anything violent so I didn't call the police. I walked with her to her home, and I gave her a bottle of Advil." I looked over to the wolves on the floor to make sure he was listening. David's ears were up but he wasn't looking at me. "I left her until later that night I spied through her window where I saw her taking care of an old man. She later told me that her grandfather was sick but they couldn't afford any help. If I had called the police on her that night, no one would have known about him, and he would have died" I sat down on the couch in front of them. Rain was pouring down against the windows. "I did something special and meaningful walking her home that day. I am proud to be the detective that I am and I wouldn't trade that for anything" David and I were going to have another fight about my career. The little wolf was snoring against David's fur, my shoulders relaxed against the soft couch, the rain came down on the window like a waterfall. There was the taste of lavender tea on my tongue. I kicked off my shoes to feel the cold hardwood floor against my toes.

#redacted asmr #redacted David #redacted asmr david #redacted David x reader

[anusha-swritings]

Make Time SingleDad!Grayson

Please credit me if you use my gif^^

Summary: SingleDad!Grayson and his daughter, Bella, spend the day together after she says he’s spending too much time in meetings.

Warnings: Fluff

Not Requested

y/n = your name

Series Masterlist

Main Masterlist

Grayson’s POV

It was 9 am on a Saturday and I was working on editing next week's video for Ethan and I’s channel, when Bella walked into my room. 

“Hi, daddy!” My adorable 2 year old daughter exclaimed, half running half waddling into my room and attempting to climb into my lap. “Hey, bub. Where’s Uncle E?” I asked. “Brebfasht.” She replied happily. Breakfast, I nodded only glancing at her for a second to help her climb up to sit with me, before looking back at the computer screen. Bella, irritated by my lack of attention for her, folded her chubby little arms and pouted in my lap. “What’s wrong bub?” I cooed to her, suppressing a smile.

“Daddy, no spend time.” She sighed pouting. “With you?” I questioned. Bella nodded in response. “Of course I did, last night we watched a movie with Uncle E before bed.” “Noo!” She pouted, placing her hand on my chest to get my full attention. “You talk with phone.” She blatantly stated. I realized she’s right, about 30 minutes into the movie I had to get up to answer calls, and when I finally got back the movie was almost over and I was still answering emails, instead of spending time with her.

“You’re right bub, I’m sorry.” I apologized pulling her into a hug. She did her best to wrap her tiny arms around me. “It okay dada.” She responded comfortingly, knowing I felt bad. “Why don't you go start breakfast, and I’ll be right behind you. Okay?” I asked, pulling away slightly. “Pomishe?” She asked, holding out her pinky finger. “Promise.” I stated locking pinkies with her, causing her to grin.

She climbed out of my lap and skipped out my bedroom. I turned back to my computer, answering a few emails, before texting Ricky, I was gonna spend the rest of the day with Bella, and that there was only a little bit of the video left to edit before heading into the kitchen. 

Bella was already in her high chair, probably helped by Ethan of course. I helped Ethan set the table, while we chatted, surprisingly, quietly about the video. We sat down at the table when breakfast was ready. “So any plans for today Ethan?” I asked, smiling at him. “No, not really.” He looked at me quizzically. “What do you have in mind?” I smiled again turning to Bella to feed her some eggs, while she played with a toy. “I was thinking of taking a little girl to the waterpark, and maybe get some ice cream today.” Bella let out a tiny gasp. “Me daddy?!” She asked, her face lighting up and jumping in her chair. “Yes, you baby.” I laughed tickling her, causing her to let out little giggles. 

After breakfast Ethan did the dishes, for once, while I got Bella’s bag ready to go to the waterpark. We spent the days teaching Bella how to tan. Ethan took pictures of us laying on chairs in matching sunglasses with our arms under our heads. 

We spent the day with Bella in her floatie, going around the lazy river, and giggling whenever Ethan and I messed around splashing each other. We stayed there so long Bella even took a nap on the lounge chairs.

At around 4:30pm, we left the water park and Bella fell asleep in the car. I dropped Ethan at his girlfriends house around 5 and went straight to the beach. 

I got to the beach not too long after and parked in a spot above the sand so we could look out over the sunset. I carefully woke Bella and brought her to the front of Ethan’s Jeep sitting her on the blanket I had put on the hood. “Clean!” She exclaimed. I smiled at her knowing how she didn’t like sitting on the dirty car. “Yeah Bubba, just for you.”

We looked out over the water the sun had started to set over to our left, not hurting her eyes. I sat next to her making sure the sun wasn’t on her face at all. “Did you have fun today baby?” I asked her, smiling as she clapped her hands when a seagull landed near us. “Yeah daddy, ten tyou.” She smiled leaning over and gave me a hug. We sat there for about 20 minutes, eating our dinner, before I moved her back to the car and we talked about the color of the sky until we got home. 

That’s one of the many things I loved about Bella. Despite not being able to very well, she loved to talk about anything, and everything, with so much passion. You’d think she was a rainbow expert.

When we got home, Bella was practically asleep already. I carried her along with all of our stuff inside. As  I was carrying her down the hallway to her room she sleepily lifted her head from my shoulder.“Daddy, can I sleep room?” She asked. “Of course bubba.” I responded, knowing she meant she wanted to sleep in my room.

“Daddy, have time?” She asked slowly, wanting to know if I had phone calls before I went to sleep. She started closing her eyes as the sleep started to take her over despite having 2 naps today. “Yeah, baby.” I whispered, laying her down on the bed next to me. “Daddy will always make time for you.”

Taglist: @guiltydols​

#grayson dolan #grayson dolan imagine #grayson dolan x reader #grayson dolan blurb #grayson dolan concept #grayson dolan fluff #single dad grayson #singledad!grayson #dadgrayson #dad!graysondolan #dad!grayson #ethan dolan #ethan dolan imagine #ethan dolan x reader #ethan dolan blurb #ethan dolan concept #ethan dolan fluff #ethan dolan imagines #grayson dolan imagines #dolan twins #dolantwinsimagines #the dolan twins

[rawritzrobin]

Seeing Red Chapter 4

Title: Seeing Red

Master List

Pairing: Jason Todd x Stella Covington (OC)

Warnings: Cursing, major character death, a little bit angsty, fluff.

Summary: As Stella's surrogate big brother, Dick freaks out when he hears about her encounter with The Red Hood. Stella seems to have a secret admirer.

Chapter 4: Valentine's Day

After cleaning the puppy and giving him some food, Stella sat on the floor watching the pup run circles around her room. He would spend a second sniffing around, and then instantly take off to another part of the room. Everything was fascinating to him. Stella laughed when he started to bark at a stool.

At first, Stella was going to drop him off at a shelter. She didn't feel she was ready to take care of something alive at the moment. But after spending a few hours with him, she fell in love. After deciding her new pup was in need of supplies, Stella went on a shopping spree. A few hours later, the brown pup had a new collar, new bowls, some shirts, and even matching booties.

She watched the puppy climb onto the table in the middle of her room and sniff the crackers sitting on the edge. She pulled the puppy away before it was able to snag one of them. She brought it up to her face and it licked her nose and wagged its tail.

Once she placed him back onto the floor, he went straight for the crackers once again. Stella laughed at his attempts to get the crackers on the table. She was very impressed by his ambition and his energy.

“With all that energy I think i’m going to name you Latte.“ The puppy looked up when she said the name and wagged his tail. Stella smiles. “You like that don’t you? It’s official Latte. Welcome to your new home!” She threw out her hands and spun in a happy circle. Latte danced happily around her.

Unbeknownst to Stella, she was currently being watched.

Jason was two buildings over with a pair of high tech binoculars. He had to make sure she made it home okay. Something about seeing her in potential danger triggered his protective instincts. Jason put down the binoculars and looks down at his watch. He was already late for his meeting, but it didn't matter. Making sure Stella was safe was more important than some stupid hidden meeting with a bunch of drug lords.

He picked up the binoculars one last time and watched as the dog ran around in circles. Stella has a smile painted on her face the entire time. He could practically hear her laughs from where he was. The longer he watched her, the more Jason’s heart ached. He watched her pull out her phone and laugh at something on her phone. A text maybe? Who was it from? Her lover? Tomorrow was Valentine's Day. Has she moved on already? He put the binoculars away and turns away from her building. He didn't want to know. The more he knew the more his heart hurt. He took a deep breath and hopped onto the fire escape.

That night Stella fell asleep earlier then usual with Latte cuddled up against her chest.

—————————

Stella woke up to a flurry of text messages. She blinked open her eyes and lazily reached for her phone. It was 2am. There were 9 Messages from Dick, and six missed calls.

Stella opened the messages.

Are you serious?

What did he do?

Where are you?

Stella are you okay?

Did he hurt you?

Shit. Sorry I didn’t check my phone earlier.

Stella!?!

Stella?!

STELLA?!?!?!

Stella texted back immediately. 'Im fine Dick. He saved me actually. From some creep trying to steal my purse.' Stella stared at the phone for a few moments before a call from Dick came through.

“Oh thank god Stell! I was on my way to your penthouse! You’re okay? He didn’t hurt you did he?” Stella had to pull the phone away from her ear. He was basically screaming into his phone.

“Hi Dickie. I’m fine. He didn’t hurt me. He stopped a guy from robbing me. Not much of a talker. He seemed nice.”

There was a pause on Dick’s end. Before he could say anything, Stella remembered the small creature snoring next to her.

“Oh yeah! I have a puppy now. His name is Latte. I found him on the street all alone. That’s where I met the Red Hood.”

Dick’s voice dropped. “You should be more careful Stella. He’s dangerous. We still don’t know what he is capable of.”

Stella frowned at his words. He didn’t seem dangerous. He was alone with her in that alley way. If he really wanted to he could have hurt her.

But, he didn’t.

“Okay, I will.”

In the back, Stella could hear some shouts and some sounds of gunfire. “Gotta go. See you tomorrow.”

“Bye Dick!” She managed to say before the call dropped. She looked down at Latte who managed to stay asleep throughout that entire phone call. His small belly rising and falling from each breath he took. Stella bent over to kiss him on the head. He moved slightly, but did not wake. She brought her head to her pillow, closed her eyes, and drifted off to sleep.

That night she dreamt of puppies, coffee, and a man in a red hood.

———————

“Isn’t he just the cutest thing.” Stella said as she walked through the doors of the manor. She brought the pup up to Alfred’s face and Latte did not hesitate to lick his nose. Alfred smiled at the tiny creature and patted his head.

“He is quite adorable.”

Stella handed Alfred the dog while she took her shoes and coat off at the door. “Where’s Dick? I texted him the information for his date tonight. He never wrote back.”

“I’m afraid he is rather incapacitated at the moment, but rest assured he is fine. He managed to sprain his leg during patrol last night. I gave him a few sleeping pills so he could rest. He should be awake by now.”

Stella looked worried. “Are you sure he’s okay? Can I see him?”

“Of course. He’s in his room.” Alfred handed Stella back Latte and she proceeded to make her way up the stairs towards Dick’s room. The manor was eerily silent. Stella could hear her steps echo through the manor walls.

Stella knocked gently on Dick’s door. “Dick?”

“Come in!” Dick said with a cheery voice. He sounded okay. Stella let out a sigh of relief.

She opened the door to reveal Dick sitting in bed. He was in a plain blue t-shirt and a pair of basketball shorts. On his right leg sat a large array of bandages. A pair of crutches leaned against the side of the bed. He was playing some sort of video game on his phone, he looks up when he hears the door open.

“Hey baby bird!” He said smiling even wider.

“Hey Dickie. You okay? Alfred told me you got hurt last night.” Stella said taking a seat on the bed. She brought her legs up and crossed them together, tucking Latte into her arms.

Dick nods. “Yeah i’m okay. I’ll be out of commission for the next few weeks, but i’m good. Ran into The Hood last night. He did quite a bit of damage to the city. Bruce and Tim will be pretty busy for the next few days.” Dick looked down at the small furry ball in Stella’s arms. “Is this the little guy?” He said extending his arms towards the puppy.

Latte immediately tried to wriggle out of Stella’s arms. She let him go and he went straight into Dick’s lap, jumping up onto his chest. Stella smiled as Dick began laughing and playing with the pup.

“Glad you’re okay. I-I got kind of scared when you didn’t answer my text.”

Dick rubbed the back of his head. “Sorry about that. I saw the reservation. Thank you so much. I already sent the info to Barbara. She’s coming over tonight.”

Stella giggled and clapped. “Oh I’m so excited for you two. I have always wanted to try their Valentines day fixed menu. But I never got the chance.” She shrugs, her mood dropping slightly. Latte senses Stella’s sadness, and makes his way over to her. He climbs onto her lap and wags his tail.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with us? I’m sure Barbara won’t mind.”

“No way! You two barely have enough time alone together as is. Just go. I’ll hang out with Alfred tonight. Plus, who’s gonna hang out with this little guy if I leave tonight.” Latte perked up at the mention of his name. He jumped onto Stella’s stomach and licked her face. She looked down at her phone. It was nearing 4:30pm.

“You should start getting ready. Babs will be here soon.” She said as she placed Latte onto the floor. He immediately began sniffing the floor, and ran out the door to explore the rest of the manor. “See you later Dick! Let me know how the food is.” She said, running out the room to chase after the little puppy.

Dick watched her exit the room. He didn’t get the chance to bring up her meeting with The Red Hood. He got up from the bed and placed the crutches under his arms.

He just prayed that Stella wouldn’t end up getting hurt by the masked man.

———————— Once Dick and Barbara left for their reservation, Stella and Alfred spent the entire night baking cookies and making cupcakes. Each baked good was decorated with flowers and hearts.

“And done!” Stella said as she placed a chocolate heart on top of a pink frosted cupcake. The kitchen was covered in baked goods. Dozens of boxes lined the tables. Stella plans was to to stop by the soup kitchen on her way home to hand out the treats.

“Beautiful as always Miss Stella.” Alfred smiled down at her. Stella cradled a single cupcake in her hands.

“I think I’ll give this one to Jay.” She said as she jumped off her chair. “Be right back!” She opened the door to the backyard and made her way towards Jason’s gravestone. The sun was just beginning to set. Stella shivered as the temperature was beginning to drop with the setting sun. She quickly ran to the gravestone and placed the cupcake in front of it.

“Happy Valentines Day Jay. It’s chocolate, your favorite.” She smiled down at the grave. After a few moments her face dropped as a familiar feeling of pain rocked her heart. Tears pricked her eyes. She took a deep breath and let out a long sigh. “Miss you Jay.” She whispers. She gently wipes her eyes with the back of her hand and heads back to the kitchen.

Alfred was cleaning up when she got back. The cupcakes and cookies were perfectly packed inside various sized boxes. She looks down at her watch and saw that it was getting late.

“Hey Alfred, I’m gonna head out.”

Alfred turns to look at her. “Okay. Let’s start getting the boxes to your car.”

It took a few trips, but they managed to get every single cake and cookie safely into the back of Stella’s Porsche. She placed a sleeping Latte into the passenger seat inside his carseat. She ran up the steps and gave Alfred a hug before thanking him and waving goodbye.

It took 10 minutes to get to the soup kitchen. Stella regularly stopped by, so she was greeted with warm smiles. She was inside the office speaking with the workers when she feels someone tap her shoulder. She turns around to face a young man.

“Someone left this for you.” The young man said.

In his hand was a single red rose with a note attached and a cute coffee shaped dog plushie. Stella tilted her head in confusion.

“It was on the hood of your car.”

Stella took the rose and plushie from him. She opened the small card attached to the rose.

Happy Valentine's Day Stella. ~RH

Stella looked down with confusion at the rose. RH? Who could that be? She began going over about all the boys she had class with and the ones Dick had introduced her to. No one with the initials RH came to her mind. She shook her head and came back to reality.

“Thank you.” She said to the young man.

Stella said her goodbyes to the team and made her way back to her car. Latte was happily waiting for her in his seat. She handed him the coffee plushie and he immediately started chewing on it. She smiled down at the dog and got into the drivers seat. She looked down at the rose in her lap. Her mind wandered as she drove home.

Who was RH?

#Red Hood #jason todd/original female character #Stella Covington #jason todd x oc #DCU #batman #original female character #alternature universe #AU #Dick Grayson #DC #Under the Red Hood #iwritethings #fanfiction #seeing red #nightwing

[narrysgolden]

So uh, hi, I’m not a writer but I do occasionally (used to) write and some lovely lovely person brought that to my attention today! They mentioned a totally different fic I was writing and forgot about (oops) but reminded me I wrote Part 3 of this ficlet ages ago and never posted it SO here’s that now. Happy Holidays to you all ☺️

Private Nights - Part 3

Part 1

Part 2

They were both much more quiet now than they had been the whole flight. Thoughts, and a hangover, swimming around in their heads. Niall was debating in his head whether he was hoping to not have to see Harry again this weekend, or was hoping to run into him again. He was leaning more towards the latter.

With an ounce of liquid courage left, he decided to ask anyways, just out of curiosity. “Hey where are you staying tonight?”

Harry’s face went blank. He closed his eyes, lowered his head into his hands and whispered shit.

“I think….I don’t think I actually have a place to stay.” He said with a chuckle, an attempt to not scream. In years past Harry would just stay at his house, but since he sold his LA home he had been staying with Jeff. Now that Jeff and his wife are out of the country, Harry not thinking to bring his spare key, that’s not an option either. Surely he could call up another friend, pop into a hotel or something. “Forgot I don’t live here anymore and usually I’d just go to Jeff’s but, “second honeymoon.” He shrugged.

Without thinking Niall blurted out “you can stay at mine” before realizing what he said. “I mean got a spare room and all, not too far from tomorrow’s venue.”

“Oh I don’t want to be a bother, can just call up a friend, get a hotel for a change or summat.”

A friend? Did he not consider me a friend? Niall thought. That kind of hurt but he tried not to take it personally. Would probably be awkward to have Harry sleepover anyways. “Uh yeah sure, sure. I’ll be there if you uh, need anything or whatever.” Now Niall was being awkward, tripping over his words and trying to play it cool.

“’course, thanks Niall.” Harry pat him on the shoulder with a soft smile as he peeled himself off the leather seat.

The boys parted ways after the flight, engaging in a much less awkward hug than the first one, and hopping into separate cars. As Niall went back to his LA home, Harry was feeling out of sorts. Even with his countless contacts in the area, he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do and had the driver drop him off at the Beachwood Café. Out of all the places in LA, this it felt most like a home away from home. He frequented the dainty café every time he was in town, knew the workers by name and they were always considerate of his privacy.

After greeting the employees behind the counter and ordering his usual, he sat himself in the back corner booth, shoving his Gucci bag underneath the table and pulling out his book. He had brought Norwegian Wood with him, grabbing it last minute from his shelf as a way to keep himself busy on the long flight. Even though he’d already read the book, twice, it was his favorite and impossible to put down. In an attempt to clear his mind, he began reading, for the third time, sipping on his coffee in an attempt to beat the already setting in jetlag.

When he woke up the room was half lit with soft sounds of mugs clattering together. He jolted his head up with a gasp, forgetting where he was and searching his surroundings. Harry had gotten so engrossed in his book he completely lost track of time….and consciousness. Jetlag hit hard and despite his second cup of coffee, he dozed off through chapter nine and slumped back in the booth. A slight bit of panic set in as he frantically looked at his phone, not knowing what time or even day it was at this point.

9:45pm

The café closed in 15 minutes. Harry quickly shuffled out of the booth, grabbing his stuff and swiftly placing his dirty dishes on the counter. “So sorry for hogging up the booth all day, keeping you here” he quietly apologized to the employee, voice coming out hoarse from sleep.

As he darted out the door he really started to realize he has nowhere to stay tonight. It was nearly 10pm on a Sunday and he’d feel bad for bothering anyone for a place to crash at this hour. He quickly remembered Niall’s offer earlier, along with how much of a dick he probably sounded for so quickly turning it down. In his sleepy haze he decided to just fuck it and call Niall up anyways.

Three calls later. No answer. Harry would really start to feel like a needy boyfriend if he called again. And fuck all if he remembers how to get to Niall’s house, let alone his address. Unless…

Harry unlocks his phone, scrolls through his contacts, and clicks on Niall’s name. And sure enough, right under the address bar is Niall’s street, number and all. Even after all these years, Harry couldn’t bare to delete Niall’s number or any of his information, and he’s thanking God now that he didn’t.

While in the Uber on the way to Niall’s he starts to become really anxious. This isn’t creepy right, just showing up at his house? I mean it’s Niall and he offered anyways. Right?

The car pulls up to the soft gray home, light coming through a couple windows with Niall’s car parked in the driveway. Thankfully Niall’s gate code was still programmed into his phone as well, so he could at least get past the fence without looking like an awkward stalker who shouldn’t be at this residence in the first place.

With all signs that Niall is home and another few phone calls going unanswered, Harry assumes Niall must have fallen asleep early too. He makes his way up to the front door and knocks, then rings the doorbell, then the buzzer and repeats the three for what feels like 30 minutes before giving up. He doesn’t want to yell or cause a disturbance in his neighborhood at now 11pm. So he sits down on the stoop, back up against the door, jetlag already taking over again.

Niall jolts awake with a weird feeling. All the lights are on, his damn shoes are still on and he’s very disoriented at this point, not intending on passing out so early in the day. He goes to check his phone, 11:30pm, and notices the 6 missed called from Harry. Immediate panic shoots through his body. Is something wrong? Did he need me? Oh god I wonder where he is. Am I overreacting?

Despite his hesitation, he decides to just call Harry back. No answer. So he calls again. After the fourth ring with no answer is when Niall really starts to panic. Without thinking he jumps up, grabs his keys from the counter and heads for the door. He flings the front door open so fast he barely has time to process the body thumping at his feet.

Harry is shocked out of his slumber as he flies back and his head smacks down on Niall’s feet.

“Jesus, fuck! Harry what the fuck!?”

Harry rolls over with a loud groan of pain and confusion. “Oh my god” he grunts.

“Harry WHAT the hell” Niall yells.

As Harry continues to writhe around on the stoop, Niall’s demeanor changed. “Har-Harry are you okay? C’mere”. He reached down to gently place his hand under Harry’s head and help him sit up, worried that he smacked his head too hard. Harry finally squints his eyes open to look up at Niall. He doesn’t know if it’s the jet lag delirium or the fact that he banged his head half on Niall’s foot and half on concrete, but he smiles up at the Irishman with a dopey grin and dimple on full display. “Hi.”

Niall is confused but can’t help smiling back. After a moment of innocent affection, Niall’s concern creeps back in. “Are you okay? Really? Need some ice?” Harry’s smile turns into a frown as he remembers his throbbing head and nods, taking Niall’s hands to help him up. In full disclosure, Harry is a total baby when it comes to being sick or hurt. He will take all the love and care that anyone is willing to give him and he will milk that shit like it’s his job. Niall knows, Niall kind of loves it, and Niall acts just like the caretaker Harry wants. “C’mon baker boy” he chuckles, wrapping his arm around Harry’s waist to lead him inside.

The name gets Harry to chuckle, lightening the mood. “Baker boy? Really? It’s been nearly 10 years Niall.”

“And yet you still talk about bread, Harold.”

For those few moments it’s like Niall and Harry we’re back in 2015. It felt different than the plane ride earlier which was fueled by alcohol. This time, the comfort was fueled by vulnerability. Something they shared closely between each other, years ago.

Harry laid down on the couch, sinking into the big plushie cushions and trying really hard to block out the memory of what happened on this couch the night Niall moved in. The heated kissing, the touching, the clothes thrown about the kitchen. It was also the one and only time that Harry had stepped foot in this house, other than at this moment. Niall brought over a bag of ice, handing it to Harry along with a pillow to prop his head up. As his mind began to clear up, he decided to take a seat at the other end of the couch. He could feel emotions resurfacing that he wasn’t ready for and did not think was appropriate for the time.

Harry thanked Niall and laid back on the ice, wiggling uncomfortably as the cubes poked the back of his head, but he was grateful for the gesture. Neither of them said another word, sleep taking over both of them yet again after Niall had put the golf channel on the tv for some background noise. As Niall dozed off, he could hear Harry’s labored breathing. Through hooded eyes he took in the sight of Harry’s chocolate curls sticking to the melting ice bag. His lips slightly parted, looking plush but dry, in need of some chapstick. The way his skin was so clear and glowed under the light of the tv. He was just....so....pretty. And with that thought, Niall fell into a deep sleep as well.

Niall awoke to a heavy weight on his stomach and a tickle of hair on his arms. He squinted one eye open in the dim lighting of the room and moved just enough to get Harry’s attention. The lanky boy on top of him groaned a small “mm cold” before readjusting his head to now be on Niall’s crotch and curl his legs up next to him.

“D’you wanna go up to bed?” Niall mumbled. Harry nodded, continuing his “baby” act.

The two of them groaned as they got up, sore from the awkward couch positions and groggy from on and off sleep all day. Harry slung his bag over his shoulder as they trudged up the stairs, coming to the guest bedroom on the right. Niall stopped ahead of Harry. “Sheets are clean, bathrooms on the le—“

“Can I...” Harry began to interrupt. “My uh, my head still hurts.” It didn’t. But Harry didn’t have another excuse to sleep with Niall and he knew Niall wouldn’t deny him the comfort he really needed right now.

“Uh yeah, sure, my rooms down thi—“

“Mhmm I remember” Harry interrupted again with a smug tone. Niall just rolled his eyes and continued on down the echoey hall. With each step Niall began to strip off another article of clothing, desperate to be comfortable in his own bed again and not caring that Harry was right behind him,

“Eager are we?” Harry remarked, watching closely each piece of fabric fall to the floor.

“Oh shut up.” Niall jabbed back, sprinting the last few steps and catapulting himself onto the bed. His head fell back, getting engulfed in the mountain of pillows stacked at the headboard.

“Jesus, Niall. Preparing for a pillow fight or something?”

Niall let out a cackle, pick up the pillow closest to him and chucked it in Harry’s direction. ”Maybe.”

Harry caught the pillow with impressive accuracy and threw it straight back, jumping on the end of the bed and launching Niall’s legs in the air. The two boys burst into a fit of laughter, lazily tossing pillows at each other in the process.

The laughter died down and their eyes began to droop again, but neither of them wanted to sleep another minute.

#narry fic #Niall horan #harry styles #private nights fic #private nights #part 3 #narry #fanfic

[scatteredcloud]

Top Surgery: What Really Happens pt 2

Tumblr decided I couldn’t put any chest pictures in sorry

See the first guide for details about getting ready and the pre-op appointment! This guide is about the day of surgery, pt1 is about getting ready for surgery

Getting Ready - Recovery- Drains

My surgeon was Dr. Jerry Chao, who’s based in the George Washington Medical School. If you’re looking for a surgeon on the mid-Atlantic, I would absolutely recommend Dr. Chao. He’s incredibly respectful and does fantastic work. He also does FFS, and breast augmentation, and while I can’t speak for those results, he certainly did an impressive job with my chest. He has a history of working with trans patients, and is really good at avoiding dysphoria-inducing language. It’s clear that he’s genuinely committed to helping you.

Leading Up To The Big Day:

-You’ll get specific details about when you have to stop eating and drinking before surgery, but for me, I wasn’t allowed to eat after midnight the night before, and I had to stop drinking anything three hours before my surgery, which was 10am for me. (Apparently you have to fast because you might aspirate while under anesthesia, which means that your stomach fluids could get sucked up in the breathing tube which is, you know. Bad.)

-My surgery was scheduled for 1:30pm, but they ask you to arrive 2 hours before hand. We got there at 10:30, just to be sure.  

- Like I said in the last post, bring something to do while you wait. It’s excruciating to be super nervous and then have to wait for a really long time with nothing to do.

-I’m not kidding about the waiting, once they call you back you change into your hospital gown, and then you wait another 30 minutes. My mom was able to stay with me until they wheeled me off for the surgery itself.

The Medical Stuff:

-The nurse came in to put my clothes and bag in a locker, and then she did my IV. I asked her to move it to my arm, because I’m really scared of anything happening to my hands. She said they do the lowest extremities by default so the tubes don’t get in the way, but you can definitely ask them to move it if it’s uncomfortable. She also put the pulse monitor on my finger, and that just gets taped on.

-This might not be true of other places, but I was specifically in with a bunch of other breast cancer patients who were also getting mastectomies, because it’s essentially the same procedure as top surgery. It made me feel a little dysphoric, but all of the curtains were drawn around people, so it’s not like they could see me or anything. It also meant my hospital gown was purple instead of a drab greenish grey, which I liked.  

-About a thousand nurses and doctors come in and out to ask you the same questions over and over. Be ready to read off your legal name (yeah it sucks) like five different times. They have to verify that you’re still coherent and that they aren’t getting their charts mixed up.

-Because the hospital I was at was attached to a med school, some students asked me if I wanted to be in a study for a new device to help place IV’s. It was a good way to kill a couple minutes, but obviously this isn’t standard.

-The original nurse came back in and gave me some pain killers ahead of time, so they’d already be working by the time I was out of surgery, which was a huge help.

-Eventually my anesthesiologist and his crew came in to talk to me about what the medications would be and what they did. One of them put an anti nausea patch behind my ear, which has done wonders. I don’t remember the name of it, but I’m sure you cold ask about it. Then they walked me through the process of what being put under anesthesia is like, but I didn’t actually end up being conscious when they were doing all the stuff they talked about.

-My surgeon came in and marked up my chest. I had a picture here but tumblr decided that an incredibly clinical and objective picture of my chest was too titlating. This is ehere you an ask any more specific questions during the procedure, you can also ask about specific aesthetic things, like nipple size and placement, scar shape etc. Obviously the surgeon knows what’s best, but mine at least was very accomodating.

-After that, the anesthesiologist came back in and put something in my IV to make me really drowsy. By the time we got to the operating room I was already out of it, I vaguely remember them adjusting my arms, but then it was lights out for me.

Recovery:

-Anesthesia really is like time travel, you’re being wheeled out one second and in recovery the next. That was the part I was the most nervous of, just like not being aware of anything happening, but I was too sleepy to be aware of that going in to surgery  -At least in my experience, recovery nurses are always more rude than the prep nurses. (My brother has to have MRI’s all the time so I’ve spent a good bit of time in the recovery room, some how they’re always kind of tactless) I doubt this is true of all recovery nurses, of course, mine was rushing me through the process though. They probably just want people out of there as fast as possible because of COVID. -I have on a compression vest, which makes my chest feel like the first time I put on a binder. It’s pretty tight, but it forces you to sit a certain way, and it helps the drains, well, drain. I know that some people just get wrapped in ace bandages, but either way, you’ll have some kind of compression on. This is what mine looks like: It’s going to look bumpy and weird with all the gauze on it, so don’t worry.

-I managed to sit up and drink some water right away, and I was just kind of groggy, which was good. The nurse brought my clothes back and I got my shirt on ok, but I was immediately too dizzy to stand right away. I ended up vomiting into the trash can next to me, but it didn’t last and I was able to get my pants on and they wheeled me out. -The nurse sort of explained the drains to my mom, but we ended up having to look up more information about them when we got home. THIS is the best source I’ve found for it. (Dysphoria warning, it’s a breast cancer site) Like I said, they were rushing. I was officially discharged at 5:30pm. -I don’t actually have a whole lot of memory leaving the recovery room and getting down to the car, I remember thinking that the nurse who was wheeling me out was going too fast.   -My mom had wisely brought a bag to throw up in, which I did one more time, but then I fell asleep again. -I was able to get into bed, and the pain killers knocked me out until about 9:30. I had a smoothie, took a sleep aid, and was asleep by 11:30. I woke up really early in the morning to go to the bathroom, and I took another pain killer. I fell back to sleep at about 5:45am, and then I actually woke up at about 9:30am. Overall, my pain level is super low. I feel sore, but I’ve been able to get up and walk around no problem. Honestly the most uncomfortable thing I’ve been dealing with is feeling my heart beat against the gauze, and that’s just weird it doesn’t hurt. It affects people completely differently though, so I don’t want to imply that minimal pain is the standard. I’m really grateful that this is how it’s working out for me.

I’ll make another post when I get my drains out, and when I can see my chest, but I hope this helps!

#trans #transgender #top surgery #post op #trans health #top surgery guide #smh i had to remake this post lile three times

[gvbejvmes]

Drabble: Reflections

Rating: Somewhere between PG-13 and R Genre: Slice of Life Relationships: Gabriel/Johnny, mentioned Gabriel/Jill Disclaimers: Some of Johnny’s dialogue comes from the man himself. 

Friday, February 28, Opening Day of Reflections

7am

“Gabe?” Nik’s voice echoed through the gallery. “I really hope you’re in here and someone didn’t break in.”

Using a creeper, he was laying on the floor of the gallery, installing rods to support one of his pieces.  It was an intricate installation piece and he was terrified that due to the nature of the base, the glass bits were going to weigh down the base, break, shatter all over the floor, and he was going to be a disgrace in the art world.

“I’m in the inner chamber!” He called out. When she had left the night before most of the temporary display walls he’d set up to separate the sections of his show hadn’t been completely installed yet. Now her gallery was one giant maze.

There was no response for a moment, and Gabe figured that she was trying to orient herself. “How do I get there?” She called out in response.

“What room are you in?” The thin rods were weaved inside of the base to blend in so they weren’t noticeable to the viewer. He wasn’t sure how many rods he was going to need, but he figured if he weaved in at least ten, it would be strong enough. 

“I think I’m in hell.”

Gabe groaned. “Yep, I’m changing the lighting in there. I knew it needed to be brighter.” He huffed out. “Either walk past the wedding rings or come in through the back and come through the looking glass.”

It was quiet so Gabe figured she was maneuvering through the exhibits and got distracted. He went back to weaving another rod through when suddenly a  hand was on his foot, and he startled so badly that he almost broke the damn thing he was trying to fix. “The fuck.” He snapped out as he was rolled out of his piece. “You break it, you buy it. And my shit isn’t cheap.”

Nik just raised an eyebrow at him. “Did you sleep at all last night or were you here the whole time?” She asked, even though he was pretty sure she knew the answer to that. 

“It just needs to be perfect.” He said as he sat up. “All my shows are personal but this one is…”

“A love letter. I know.” She told him, giving his knee a gentle pat. “Go home and sleep. I’ll fix the lighting for you.”

Gabe shook his head. “I need to get that done, and I need to put the hands in this piece and-”

Taking his hands, Nik pulled him to his feet. “I know, Gabe. I’ve seen the footprint you provided.” She said pushing him towards the back. “I have to set up for the cocktail portion of the evening, too. I’m perfectly capable of finishing the things up here. You need to sleep.”

“I still have-”

Nik shook her head. “I’ll call your kids on you.” She threatened. “All three of them.”

Gabe groaned. “And you’ll follow my directions exactly?” And he regretted the question as soon as he saw the look on Nik’s face. “Fine, fine. I’m going, I’m going.”

9:51am

He was lying face down on his bed, George and Gulliver asleep on either side of him while Scully lay on her bed, snoozing away when his phone went off. Still more asleep than awake, he blindly reached for his phone and answered it with a tired, “Uh-llo.”

“Briel? You never responded to my text. What time am I picking you up tonight?” 

Still more asleep than anything else, he let himself drift back towards sleep. He knew that voice so it was okay to fall back asleep.  That was a good voice, a trustworthy voice. “Mmhmm.”

“Let me guess. You were up all night doing finishing touches on your show and you’re just now sleeping.” The other man theorized. He really did know Gabe well.

Gabe snuggled his face deeper into his pillow as he listened to Johnny talk. “Got kicked out.” He slurred. His whole life he’d talked in his sleep, and offered out pure gibberish in response to questions when someone woke him up. Chances were that he wouldn’t even remember this conversation. It wouldn’t be the first time he had a full conversation with Johnny and didn’t remember a single word. It probably also wouldn’t be the last time.

There was a warm laugh. “Briel, are you awake or asleep?” His ex-husband asked him, knowing very well from first hand experience what he was like when he was asleep.

“Yes. The sirens call to me to lull me back to the place of dreams.”

Another laugh. “Briel, who are you on the phone with right now?”

“JJM.” He mumbled out, letting sleep wash over him, going back to his habit of referring to people by their initials. He’d done it a lot when he was younger, which was how the kids wound up with their nicknames of CJ and DJ.

There was no response at first. “Who is JJM?” And there was a strange hitch to the other man’s voice. 

“Jonathan James-Michaels.” Gabe responded like it was a stupid question.

It was quiet and Gabe was almost fully asleep again before: “What time am I getting you tonight?” He asked tentatively. 

“5:30.” 

“At your place?”

The phone felt really heavy in his hand. He was going to be non-responsive any minute now.

“At CJ’s. GB wants to see our pretty clothes.”

He never heard Johnny’s response; he was already fully asleep again.

11:15am

Gabe’s arm was lifted and a little warm body slithered underneath before Bella put her head on the same pillow that Gabe was using. His granddaughter usually ran warm, but she was warmer than usual. 

“Dad,” Cordelia touched his face until his eyes opened and he was actually awake and blinking up at his youngest child. “Dad, I’m going to the tailor to pick up your outfit for tonight. Bella’s sick so she’s going to sleep here with you while I go run errands.” She kept her hand on his face until she was sure that the words made sense to him.

Yawning, Gabe sat up and laid on his back, Bella immediately readjusting and snuggling onto his side for warmth and comfort. “W’a ‘ime issit?” He asked tiredly, an arm wrapping around Bella so she wouldn’t roll off the bed. He had no idea where the dogs wandered off to.

“A little after eleven.” His daughter told him. “But go back to sleep. I’ll wake you both up when it’s time to get ready.” She reassured him before slipping out of the room.

“Family should respect my vampirism.” He mumbled out incoherently.

“I res-ped.” Bella agreed before they both fell back asleep.

4:45pm

“I don’t know what to wear.” Gabe whined as he ransacked through his closet. He was already dressed in the slacks that Cordelia had picked up from the tailor, and wearing a light blue button-up that Juliet had picked out for him. 

“Dad, the outfit you already have on is more than fine.” Cordelia tried to soothe from where she was flopped on his bed, Bella half on his pillow and half on her mom’s lap.

Bella nodded. “G’ampa looks pretty.” She agreed.

“You’re stalling, which is totally adorable.”

He made a face at his daughter. “I’m not stalling. I’m just nervous about tonight.” He admitted, pulling himself away from his closet and sitting on the bed with the girls.

Cordy shrugged. “I don’t know why you’re so nervous. It’s just a date, and you guys were married for like 10 years.” She said nonchalantly. 

Gabe blinked. “I meant about the show.” He said, giving her a weird look. 

“Oh. I don’t know why you’re nervous about that part. I would be more nervous about going on a date with my ex-husband.” 

He groaned. “Gee, thanks for that.”

5:30pm

“Why is he picking you up from here?” Cordelia asked as Gabe held onto Bella so she could put medicine in the three year old’s ears. She always tended to be slightly more agreeable when Gabe was involved in her medicine-giving, but only slightly.

Gabe shrugged. “I got a text when I was sleeping telling me he was, but apparently I was on the phone with him for five minutes when I was asleep so I probably told him to.” He admitted, petting Bella’s hair when she squirmed against him. “I probably figured I needed a chaperone.”

His daughter rolled her eyes as she scooped Bella away from him and started towards the back. “I don’t want to be your guys’ chaperone. Gross.” She murmured out. Cordy was half-way down the hallway to Bella’s room when there was a knock on the door. “Dad, could you get that? It’s probably your date!”

“Shut up.” Gabe grumbled out before doing as his daughter told him. He swung open the door, and then just stared at the man in the doorway. Now he knew why Juliet was so damn determined to get him in light blue; she wanted him to match her father’s eyes. “I feel like we’re fucking going to prom.” 

Johnny’s hands were stuffed into his pockets and when he looked at Gabe, really looked at him, Gabe found that he needed to hold onto the door frame for support. “You look better than going to prom.” His ex-husband murmured out, looking uncomfortable, like he didn’t know what to say or what to do in this given situation and then… “How are you feeling? You always used to get so nervous.”

A smile slid onto his features, all previous thoughts immediately dismissed. Years later and the other man still knew him better than anyone else in the world. “I still do.” He looked down at his feet, once again feeling like a teenage girl about to go to Prom with the Quarterback. “I’m feeling a lot calmer now.”

7:00pm

They’re sitting in the car outside of the gallery, and it’s taking everything in Gabe to not run away. This was probably the most nervous he’d been for a show in a very long time. When he first got out of prison, he’d opened every emotion he’d ever felt for other people to see, but lately he hadn’t been as raw, as open, as intimate with his art as he was in the beginning of his career. Hell, this is probably the most intimate and public he’d ever been.

“You’re terrified of what everyone’s going to think.” Johnny told him, staring out at the gallery, instead of looking over at Gabe. “What’s so different about this one?”

He ran a hand over his mouth as he thought about an answer that wouldn’t ruin the truth of what Johnny was about to walk into. When it came to his shows, Gabe liked to generally keep Johnny in the dark. His reactions to Gabe’s work was always one of the rare times where his features weren’t schooled, when his emotions showed all over his face. Those were his favorite reactions. “It’s more personal than usual.” He finally admitted. “My heart is spread out there on the walls. Every ounce of it.” 

“You’ve gone through a lot. You used to tell me that’s what made the best pieces.” His ex laid his hand over Gabe’s and gave it a squeeze. His hand lingered over Gabe’s for a couple of extra moments, and Gabe wanted to grab his hand back when he pulled away. “I’ve wanted to ask how you are after… everything. After Jill, but I’m guessing I’ll get my answer in there.”

Gabe couldn’t help but to close his eyes, his hand already feeling cold. “I’m… probably less broken up than I’m supposed to be. I feel like it was the right thing to do for me, for her, and that I should feel guilty about ending things after they got so serious, after I got her hopes up for a happy ending.” He swallowed and glanced over at Johnny, chewing on his lip as he did so. “It’s not just stuff about Jill in there.”

The other man swallowed and then took a deep breath before making eye contact with Gabe. “Whatever it is, I’m not going to be upset.” He promised. “Unless it’s my ass again.” 

Gabe’s laughter filled the car.

7:15pm

The nerves returned as Gabe and Johnny stepped into the gallery. These were his familiar pre-show jitters. The ideas he had in his head didn’t always translate to other people, which was the risk that came from being an artist. Opening night meant translating his mind onto a canvas of some kind. Not everyone would understand his vision, which was so fucking nerve-wracking. Taking a deep breath, he took Johnny’s hand and they walked into the gallery.

He’d taken over the entire gallery, something that Gabe was incredibly grateful to Nik for allowing. She said it helped her more than it helped him, but he was still grateful for her and everything she’d done for him. As soon as anyone walked through the front door, they were greeted by a white display wall. Mounted on the wall were 15 mirrors, each surrounded by iridescent painted metal, surrounding the varying sized round mirrors like a cage. A 6”x6” sign was on the far right corner: Inside the Mirror, 2019, metal on mirrored glass. Gabe watched as Johnny detached his hand from his and wandered along the path, his fingers hovering over the caged mirrors, as though he was doing his best not to touch them,.

Inside the Mirror was the beginning of the little maze that Gabe had created. If the person walked to the left, they were led to a small room that had a half-wall of blown-glass flames, back lit by lights to make the guest feel like they were standing in fire. A 6”x6” sign was on the far left corner: Red Hot, 2020, glass. 

It didn’t look like they were in hell any more. Nik had shifted the lights down so the room was bathed in what Gabe would only describe as campfire light. It felt like flames were lapping at their feet, but not like Lucifer was about to come around the corner any more.

On the display wall opposite the glass wall of flames, there were three paintings. The first painting was mascara painted on a faded out mirror.  The was a 6”x6” sign to the right of the painting: Feminine Vulnerability, 2019. It was a pair of woman’s legs spread open with a blank space instead of being biologically correct. A smirk slid onto his features as he watched Johnny stand in front of the the piece, as he’d designed it to be an optical illusion. From this angle, it looked like he was going down on a woman. He didn’t know why it amused him so much, but Johnny didn’t stay at that one for very long before moving onto the next piece. 

The sign to the right of this one read: Fading Sunrise, 2020. It was a naked woman’s body from the thighs to the neck drawn on canvas in charcoal. He had a feeling that if he had included her face in this piece, Jill would have killed him. The body was painted out in watercolors. Starting in a light yellow at the bottom of the thighs and moving up to a deep red at the neck. He didn’t know how to explain it, but he’d always thought of Jill in shades of orange and red. She was fire in human form. 

The third painting was on what used to be someone’s oak dinner table. A hundred different wedding rings were painted out in melted chrome. Some were embedded deeply into the wood, while other ones were just barely on the surface. This one had taken months for get right. The sign for this one read: Wooden Rings, 2019. Of all the pieces in this room, this piece was the one that had Johnny’s attention. He stood in front of it for what felt like a long time, his fingers tracing over the rings. Sometimes Johnny was worse than the kids when it came to his work; he needed to be reminded to touch with his eyes. Something about seeing him with this piece though… He didn’t have the heart to tell him not to touch.

“There’s more.” Gabe murmured out, not wanting to speak too loudly in the quiet atmosphere he’d created. “This room leads to a bigger room, but I don’t want you to see the middle room yet. I need you to go back the other way.” 

He didn’t know how to explain it, but Johnny didn’t look like he was listening to Gabe, like he was in the current moment. It was like he was hypnotized by Gabe’s work, which left him very proud. “Why?” The other man finally told him, even as he was wandering back the way they had just come. “Stop worrying.”

The room to the right was laid out similarly to the left room. Instead of flames, there was a wall of blue ocean waves made out of blown glass, back lit the same as the other room. The sign for this one read: Cool Blue, 2020. As an opposition to the piece in the other room, this one made the person feel like they were standing in water, like it was lapping gently at your feet. Seeing Johnny standing in the middle of this room made his stomach do little flip flops. The lighting brought out the blue in his eyes just right, which almost took Gabe’s breath away. God, that man was gorgeous.

On the opposite wall, there were three paintings, same as the other room. The first painting was done on a sheet of translucent blue glass. It was very similar to the first painting in the red room, except this time it was a pair of muscular male legs painted out in car oil. Like the other painting, it was an optical illusion making it appear as though the viewer was giving head. Seeing Johnny stand in front of it, gave Gabe a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. It just looked… weird seeing him standing like that in front of his own legs. The small sign next to it read: Masculine Vulnerability, 2018. 

Thankfully Johnny didn’t stand in front of it for very long before moving onto the next painting. If Gabe was totally honest, this painting was probably his favorite of all the paintings he had on display. The plaque for this one read: Ocean Dreams, 2019. For once one of his paintings was actually on a traditional canvas. It was layer after layer of blue and white paint, giving an ocean effect. In the beginning he hadn’t actually known what he was doing, but when he realized what effect the layers of paint had, he kept going. It turned out quite good, if you were to ask him. Johnny’s fingers hovered over it, like he wanted to touch, but he behaved himself this time.

The third painting was done on an old wooden glass window with four panes. He’d acquired it last year during one of his wandering through antique shop adventures, but he’d been hanging onto it for months, not sure what to do with it. A few weeks ago it had hit him, and he’d worked on it feverishly until it turned into what his mind had wanted.  In each pane was hand drawn burned out divorce papers. He’d painted carefully onto the backside of the glass so that if someone touched the front, the paint wouldn’t smear or flake. The sign for this one read: Burning Regret, 2020.

Johnny stood in front of this one for a very long time, and when the meaning behind this piece, behind the show it him, it was like watching a light bulb go off over the other man’s head. “I…” He watched his ex-husband swallow. “What’s next?”

It took Gabe a stupidly long moment to realize that they were holding hands again. When had that happened? The only place left to go was the room in the middle - to the piece that Gabe had been working on in the morning. To be fair, there were three pieces in there, but Gabe was only really worried about one of them. “You can’t touch the piece in there.” He reminded Johnny, knowing the other man too well. “You’ll know the one I’m talking about when you see it.” He whispered out. “I didn’t do a weight test on it yet. Eventually it’s going to be interactive, but I wanted it to be ready for this show. There’s a lot of starch, and glue, and magic holding it up.” He gave his ex’s hand a squeeze. “You go in first.” 

The first piece in the room was his latest piece in the Mythology of Muse series, Hades & Persephone. It was glass painted into wood. Like all of the pieces in this series, the subjects were seen from behind, and they weren’t wearing anything clothing. This time it was two men, seen only from behind from the waist up. They’re holding hands, but their hands are burnt. One man was made to look like fire and ash while the other man was made to look like water with water lilies. The men balance each other out: fire and water, seemingly very different but necessary to the other to stay in check. Their bodies are tilted away from each other, but their heads are bent towards each other. 

Johnny stood in front of this piece for a very long time, and Gabe couldn’t help but to find himself wondering if Johnny understood what he was trying to say. As much as he loved his ex-husband, the man could be incredibly dense when Gabe’s art was about him. He never seemed to understand why Gabe found him so fascinating and why he was constantly a feature in his art. He hoped this time, he’d get it. Gabe thought it was pretty clear what the painting signified, but he was also the person who made it, so what did he know? 

The next piece in the room was a last minute addition. This was the piece he’d been obsessed with and made in the last week. He’d had inspiration after a conversation with Johnny and hadn’t been able to get the imagery they’d created during that conversation out of his head. It had been a couple of weeks ago, and Gabe had broken a mug. They’d stood in the kitchen of a house they’d designed together, but now belonged to Johnny. Blood had been pouring freely from Gabe’s hand while Johnny had stood between his legs, a cloth in hand as he tried to stop the bleeding. 

The sheer imagery of that moment, nothing longer than a few minutes, had bounced around Gabe’s head for days before he finally figured out a way to bring it to life. It had been his obsession this whole week. This was the piece Gabe had been the most nervous about. Every ounce of who he was and what he wanted to tell Johnny was poured out into this piece. 

It was an art installation piece, and there was a small stand with the plaque displaying the name: String of Fate. It was a sculpture of two hands made out of glass, and it looked as though they were balancing on nothing but red string. 

One hand was made out of white glass and the other hand was made of black glass. The black hand was holding the white hand, forming imagery of yin and yang. It went along with his theme of two things balancing each other out. The white hand had a cut in the middle and red string poured out of it like blood. The string wrapped around both hands and the string twisted around and around in circles forming a stand that held the two hands up. The metal rods he’d been weaving into the string that morning seemed to be holding all right, which sent a wave of relief over him.

Unlike his other pieces, Johnny barely looked at this one before he was turning away from it. For a moment Gabe was terrified that the other man hated it, but then he saw his face. His face was flushed and tears were on his face. Before Gabe could process what was happening, Johnny’s hands were on his face and he was kissing him.

It was like coming home after a long time. The nerves were melting away. They still had a ton of sh!t to talk about and work through, but all that mattered in the given moment was that Johnny was kissing him. 

When Johnny pulled away, all Gabe could think to do was wipe the wetness away from his ex-husband’s face as the other man gently cupped Gabe’s jaw. “This is my love letter to you.” Gabe managed out when he was able to say words again. “I take it that you like it?” 

Johnny laughed. “Yes, I love it.” And his lips were on his again. “I love it.” He repeated, his hands moving to straighten Gabe’s shirt. “And everyone else will too, but not as much as I do.” 

And that was all Gabe needed to hear for the stupid smile to slid onto his features. That was the only critic that Gabe ever cared about anyway.

“There’s another piece.” He murmured out, glancing back at Through the Looking Glass, an interactive piece that guests needed to literally walk through to get to the party in the other part of the gallery.

His ex nodded, and tugged Gabe against him. Suddenly Gabe forgot what they were talking about. 

9:30pm

The party was in full swing, and Gabe had long since been separated from Johnny. That wasn’t to say that he didn’t know where the other man was; he’d been able to catch his eyes from across the room all night. No, now came Gabe’s least favorite part, where he was being passed around from person to person. Weirdly enough, it reminded him of prison - that feeling of too many people in too small of a space. 

“Gabriel,” The art critic from the Times brought Gabe back into the present. “There seems to be an ongoing theme of duality in your pieces this evening. Is there a reason why you chose to call this show Reflections?”

He took a sip of champagne, if only to buy himself some additional time to think of his response. Why did these guys always assume that he had some sort of hidden meaning and philosophy behind his work? Thankfully over the years, he’d mostly gotten good at throwing random shit out there that the reporters tended to buy. 

“The duality theme is in reference to me and my exploration of my sexuality and what I wanted out of life. In general, every piece is a study of my own self-reflection. The past two and a half years have been about me figuring out who I am, what I want, and where my heart lies. Sure, there are mirrors. I’ve always enjoyed using mirrors as a canvas, but really all of this is a reflection of who I’ve become as a person.” And Jesus fvck. He needed to stop drinking soon. He always waxed poetic when he was buzzed and drunk.

The art critic ate up Gabe’s words and Gabe glanced around to see where Johnny had wandered off to. However, the next question had Gabe’s head whipping back to the critic. “Your break-up with D.A. Michaels was pretty public. Divorce tends to be messy when both parties are in the limelight. The political world and the art world are two very different scenes, but it was a pretty public breakup by New York standards nonetheless.”

Gabe didn’t know where the reporter was going with this, but he found himself finishing his drink and nodding anyway. “Yes, but we handled it maturely.” If anyone called one party losing himself in bottles and going to Hawaii with his legal secretary while the other got very very high at an artist’s retreat and then burning pictures from said Hawaii trip mature.

“I can see that.” The reporter said slowly, and Gabe just knew he was going to hate the next words out of the other man’s mouth. “Does your ex-husband usually come to all your shows? Or only when they’re about him?”

And suddenly Gabe wished he hadn’t finished his drink. What was it that Johnny had said when Juliet found him and Johnny hiding near String of Fate earlier kissing and wanted to know what that made them? “I won’t be answering any questions about Jay- D.A. Michaels at this time.”

10:15pm

“Dad!” Delilah looped her arms around her neck, her blonde hair smacking into his face. Yep, someone had definitely been dipping into the free booze. Dusty trailed behind her, obviously having been playing her chaperone all night. “There you are! I can’t believe you made all that stuff!” She leaned into him, and Gabe just laughed and gave his daughter a hug. “It’s so shiny!” 

“I think someone should be cutting you off soon.” He said with a laugh before turning his attention over to his cousin. To be fair, he wasn’t sure what his cousin was going to think about this show, especially given the subject matter. “What did you think of the show?”

His cousin shook his head. “I gotta say, I don’t entirely get it, but it’s intense.” He wasn’t sure if he was talking about the art or about Johnny. “Jill was going to come, but she’s sick. I just wanted to let you know that she’s not boycotting the show or anything.” He shrugged. “Although she’d probably be pissed seeing naked drawings of herself up there.”

Gabe took a sip of his fresh glass of champagne. He’d actually wondered if she was going to come tonight, but he wasn’t surprised that she hadn’t. She never had understood his art or his obsession with the human form. “Well, you’re the only other person in this room who knows what she looks like naked.” He said shrugging, as always not understanding what the big deal was with nudity. It was totally natural, why did people get so weird about it?

Dusty snorted as Delilah wandered off again after mumbling something that sounded a lot like ‘awkward’. “The pieces are dramatic like they were right after your divorce, but even more so.” And Gabe wasn’t entirely sure what his cousin was talking about until he tilted his head in Johnny’s direction. “Don’t you think it’s a little too soon after your break-up?” And Gabe must have made a face because his cousin rolled his eyes. “You’ve never been subtle when it comes to him. Besides, I saw you guys holding hands earlier. You have a weird thing about holding hands. What was it that you told me once? It’s one of the most intimate things two people can do?” 

Gabe found himself blushing, but he didn’t break eye contact with his cousin. “It’s like someone pressed pause on an old cassette tape. It’s a little warped, but it still picks up where it left off.” He told him, his gaze searching across the room to find Johnny again. “Excuse me.”

10:30pm

His back was pressed against one of the walls in the gallery, the light from the ocean room the only light. All he knew was that it was dark enough in the room that no one would find them, unless they were really looking for them. There were lips on his neck, a leg wedged between his, and a hand on his hip. For his part, he had one arm wrapped around Johnny’s neck and the other one on his ass.

“Think anyone will notice if we run away?” And at this point he’d had too many glasses of champagne and just wanted to be away from all the people.  

His ex was saying something, but Gabe wasn’t paying that much attention since he was kissing him, pulling back only to say one word before kissing him again. He was in sensory overload. All he could smell was Johnny, all he could feel was Johnny, and all he could taste was Johnny. In the back of his mind, he found himself wondering if he could taste the half a pack of cigarettes he’d smoked prior to Johnny picking him up. 

“Come home.” And Johnny wasn’t kissing him any more, but they were sharing the same air. They were so close that all Gabe needed to do was tilt his head up just right to kiss him again. The other man’s words caught Gabe off-guard. Home. That was such a foreign concept to him at this point. It was strange to think that after these years, Johnny still thought of the house as theirs. “Just for tonight, just so I can keep kissing you. Say yes and I’ll stop dragging you away from your party.”

Maybe it was the emotions of the day, or maybe it was the alcohol, but Gabe couldn’t imagine giving him any other answer than the word that poured easily out of his lips. “Okay.” And his mouth was on his again. “Okay.”

11:05pm

“Seriously?” Juliet groaned as she got a good look at Gabe who’d slipped out of the back part of the gallery before Johnny did. “What are you guys? Teenagers?” She wasn’t faring any better than Delilah in terms of dipping into the free booze and her shoes were long since abandoned somewhere. “Can’t take you anywhere.”

Her hands straightened out Gabe’s shirt. “I really don’t want to know what you guys were doing in there.” She murmured out before trying to tuck the tail of Gabe’s shirt back in. “But you have a hickey on your neck.”

“I do not.” He said with a half laugh, twisting his head to see if he could see what she was talking about. There was a small flash of purple, and he groaned. “Okay, I do. I’m going to kill him.”

Juliet laughed. “It’s good to see you happy, Papa Bear.” She said, hugging him tightly. “Both of you.”

He sighed. “Jules, we still have a lot to work through.” He tried to tell her, but his step-daughter just laughed and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I’ll check on your dogs tomorrow.”

“That’s awfully presumptuous of you.” He called after her as she moved through the crowd of people for another drink.

1:38am

Stumbling into the bedroom, he toed his shoes off and dropped his jacket on the floor before flopping face-first, ass-up onto the bed. Johnny had taken Felony outside, and between the booze and his weird-ass pre-show sleep schedule, he was fucking exhausted. Blindly he reached out for Johnny’s pillow and buried his face into the fabric, inhaling the familiar and comforting scent. He was halfway asleep when the bed dipped and there were hands on his hips. 

“Take your pants off before you fall asleep, Briel.” He was being manhandled onto his back, and if it was anyone else, Gabe probably would have fought them on it, but it was Johnny and he trusted him. Johnny straddled his legs and unbuttoned his pants for him as Gabe laid there, watching him. “Really? You’re not going to help me at all?”

Gabe shook his head, sliding his hands to Johnny’s ass and pulling him down on top of him. “Uh uh.” He said, hugging his ex to him, nuzzling at his neck. “Shouldn’t have drank so much. Wasted a good opportunity.” He slid his hands under the back of Johnny’s shirt to pull him closer to him.

“This isn’t the last time you’re sleeping here.” Johnny said with a laugh before freezing and pulling back to look at Gabe. “It isn’t, right?”

Gabe rolled them over so he was straddling Johnny’s stomach. “Not even close to the last time.” He murmured out before kissing him. 

They were both too buzzed for it to lead anywhere else, but if there was one thing Gabe had always liked, it was kissing Johnny.

4:45am 

“Briel.” The bed dipped and Felony yelped from where she had been curled up next to Gabe’s hip as he slept. She jumped off the bed at the intrusion and wandered out of the room. 

“The rabbits have escaped the compound, babe. I need to find them.” He mumbled out, trying to stay asleep. “I can’t go to school yet.”

Laughing, Johnny pushed him into a sitting position, despite Gabe’s groans of protest. “Wake up.” He slid behind Gabe, leaning against the headboard and pulling Gabe against his chest. Kissing the side of Gabe’s jaw, he smacked his thigh with a newspaper. “I have today’s Times.” 

Now Gabe was awake. “I don’t want to read it.” He whined out, burying his face against Johnny’s chest. “I don’t want to know what he thinks of the show. He hated it. I’m sure he hated it.”

Ignoring him, Johnny flipped through the paper until he found the section he was looking for, and then pulled Arts and Design out so both he and Gabe could see the article. “It’s tradition.” He said, which was why he had a paper copy and not a digital copy. “Now shush and let me read to you.”

Unable to look at the page himself, he closed his eyes and let Johnny read the article to him. “The Duality of Reflection: Marchette Gallery reopens with the hottest show in town.” Johnny nudged him. “That doesn’t sound bad so far.”

Gabe groaned, and opened his eyes. “Keep reading.” He whined out.

“There’s a sense of quiet upon walking into the Marchette Gallery. The gallery has been sectioned off into four main rooms, which is Gabriel James’ style - transporting the viewer into the dreamscape that is his mind. The lighting is low lit, forcing calm over anyone who enters the gallery.

“The first room is nothing but a white wall with a series of mirrors mounted onto it. The mirrors set the stage for the other rooms in the show. It’s at this point where the guest gets to choose their own path. If they venture off to the left, they find themselves in a red-themed room. Despite the harsh shades of red, the room exudes femininity, mixed in with James’ signature style of sprinkling vulgarity and crudeness into his pieces.”

“Ugh.” Gabe rolled his eyes. “Ever since the penis tree, suddenly my style is vulgar.” He whined out.

Johnny laughed, the sound and motion making Gabe’s body vibrate. “Briel, you have paintings up in this show that make it look like people are rounding third.” He pointed out, and Gabe didn’t have to turn around to know that the other man was smirking at him. “Anyway, where was I?”

“I have a vulgar style.” Gabe prompted, settling back against his ex again.

There was a kiss pressed against his shoulder before the reading continued. “According to James,” there was a nudge at his side as though to point out that the critic was now quoting him. “‘It’s always bothered me that soft, light colors are associated with women and femininity. Women are strong, powerful and beautiful. To me I’ve always associated women with fire: beautiful, but if you don’t touch it carefully, it’ll burn you alive.’”

Johnny laughed. “How drunk were you when they finally found you?” He asked, the paper shaking in his hands.

Gabe flipped him off. “Do I need to take over reading or are you going to do it?” He asked, half-turning his head to look at Johnny.

“If the guest goes to the right, they find themselves in a blue-themed room. Everything is soft and cast in shades of light blue. In spite of the soft colors, it’s very obvious that this room represents masculinity. The pieces in this room all have a theme, the jewel of this room being the overly textured Ocean Dreams,”

The sound that escaped Gabe’s mouth wasn’t entirely human. “Overly textured???? It’s just the right amount of fucking texture.” He hissed out, but Johnny ignored him and kept on reading.

“The pieces in the main room are the reasons for coming to see Reflections. ‘The middle room is the equivalent to my soul.’ James said in explanation to why the most striking pieces are the ones tucked away in the middle of the show. ‘These pieces are the most personal pieces I’ve ever created. As much as I overshare when it comes to my personal life, I like to keep some emotions bottled up and hidden. I finally came to a point in my life where I realized how stupid that was. I’m not ashamed of how I feel, and I need to share my feelings with the world.’“

Johnny stopped reading for a moment, and Gabe turned his head up to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Keep reading.” He breathed out. “I need to know what he thinks of the other pieces.”

“The latest installation in the Mythology of Muse series is by far James’ best work in the series. The only other piece in the series that features a portrayal of James himself is Apollo & Artemis. James has said in interviews before that he doesn’t like including himself in his art so when he does, the pieces carry a deeper meaning than the ones without him in it. There’s a sense of awe that comes from seeing an artist included in their art - especially an artist like Gabriel James.”

Gabe closed his eyes, not wanting to see the paper any more. “I don’t know what he thinks about String of Fate. You liked it; that’s enough. I don’t need to know.” He said, almost nonsensically. 

Another kiss on his shoulder. “Yes, you do.” Johnny said before straightening the paper out again. “If you need one reason to see Reflections, go only to see String of Fate. Though all the pieces in Reflections are well-thought out and beautiful in their own right, String of Fate is James’ masterpiece. When art historians talk about James in the future, String of Fate will be the piece most associated to James. This will be the piece art students study.”

He couldn’t breathe. His eyes were open again, and somehow Gabe’s hands were clinging to Johnny’s arms. When had he even grabbed his arms?

“Reflections will be on display through the end of March at the Marchette Gallery. Can’t make it before April? Don’t worry. String of Fate and Hades & Persephone will be on display at the Metropolitan Museum of Art where Gabriel James will be the artist in residence throughout the summer season.”

Johnny hit Gabriel with the paper. “You didn’t tell me you were going to be at the MET this summer!” He accused.

Shaking his head, Gabe turned his head to look at Johnny. “I didn’t know.” He breathed out, looking at him in complete surprise. “Pants!” He scrambled out of the bed. “Where are my pants at?”

“The hamper.” His ex told him, before flushing as he realized what a married thing that had been to do. Gabe didn’t live there any more, but it seemed like Johnny had forgotten when he’d tossed both their pants in there. The simple gesture shouldn’t have made a grin appear on Gabe’s features, but it did none-the-less. “But I put your phone and wallet on the dresser where you usually, uh, used to put it.”

With shaking hands, Gabe unlocked his phone and scrolled through his texts, looking for the one from his agent, Sully. It felt like the air had been punched out of him as he read the text out loud. “Congratulations, G! We’ve gotten more than a dozen offers on your pieces, and a few museums that would like to purchase the rights to Ocean Dreams and Fading Sunrise for both display purposes and to print reprints for sale. We also received a generous offer from the MET for Artist in Residence. I know how you feel about the MET and your relationship with them so I told them yes, pending a contract review. I know you’re probably celebrating so I’ll call you on Monday. Congrats, again!”

He set the phone back down on the dresser and in a daze walked back over to the bed. “I... they... I...” Once again he was experiencing sensory overload. Not knowing how to form words, he instead crawled onto Johnny’s lap, straddling his thighs. Only knowing one way to express the sheer amount of emotions that were washing over him right now, he pressed his lips against Johnny’s, kissing him as hard as he could until he couldn’t breathe any more. Then he buried his face into the crook of his neck as he struggled to catch his breath. And was he crying? Fuck, he was crying. 

“I told you they were going to love it.” His ex-husband soothed, his hands trailing gently up and down Gabe’s back. “Not as much as I did, but I told you they were going to love it.”

He nodded against the other man’s neck, still unable to talk. Maybe it was the sheer amount of emotions put into the show, or from the stress of reading the review, or the lack of normal sleep he’d gotten over the past couple of days, but within minutes he was asleep, still clinging to his ex-husband like he was the only thing keeping him anchored to the world. And maybe in this current moment in time, he was.

#drabble #pairing: Gabe/Johnny

[runfast-runfar]

Friday things ☺️

8/9/19

✨ I was so beyond tired yesterday, I came home from this mandotory work training (it was allll day.. from 10-5:30pm.. ew) and then basically went straight to bed. I slept from like 7:15pm and didn’t wake up until 9:09am!!! 😅😭👏🏼 oh the sleep I missed you!

I didn’t keep thea in my bedroom last night to test out if she would be disruptive all night, and I really needed a night’s sleep where I wasn’t woken up by her meowing at 3 in the morning by the door. So I did and it was amazing! She still slept with me all night but then when she heard someone walking around she went and checked it out, then came right back and snuggled back up!

✨ when I woke up I assumed it’d be 6am and I would’ve been happy since I knew I fell asleep really early, but I was elated to see 10 minutes past 9 haha!

✨ thea and I are chilling and watching Frozen! I have some homework I have to get done, I have to go buy a new razor and toothbrush and thea some kitty toothpaste (things I can’t find in any boxes left after the move lol) and then I am going running later on but that’s all my plans!

✨ I’m relishing in the lazy days I have left seeing as after this weekend I’ll be back in school as a full time student again, working full time/juggling 3 jobs, and I don’t think there will be any more lazy days or downtime for a while lol

✨ my cars brakes are off and so I can’t drive my car anywhere today (it’s being taken in tomorrow) so no gym :(

But I’m going to go on a run later and if I feel like it do a Jillian Michaels workout or yoga! Definitely doing those tomorrow as my workout but maybe might also do them today. But yesterday’s gym sesh has me beat lol... so a day off from any strength/weight stuff is sounding nice lol

I hope you’re all well, and happy weekend!

#me #vegan #personal #life #runner #climber #climbing #running #boulder #bouldering #recovery #mental health #ed #depression #ocd #ptsd #anxiety #cat #thea #calico tabby #moving #new house #sleep #good nights sleep FINALLY #frozen #kristen bell #idina menzel

[fightingorcavingintodepression]

1/16/17 5:17 pm

I had my first panic attack I've had in a long time. I've gotten so bad at work my manager called me at 10AM and left a voicemail. I called him back and said I had a Doctors appointment and forgot to send out an email to the team. I hate lying, but i can’t realistically say I'm suicidal and won't even get out of bed every morning.

I ran to the bathroom and started dry-heaving for a good 2-3 minutes. Then I laid down on my bed and felt like crying, and then Stayed there for nearly another hour.

Kill me.

1/20/17

I'm eating lunch by myself at 3:06 on Friday. I've only hit myself a few times today. I ordered and shipped a present to Shara and it should get there tomorI'mrow, but today is her birthday. I deleted my Facebook and haven't been posting on tumblr, so I'm avoiding everything. I feel guilty and don't know what to do. I'm going to stop typing because I'm tearing up in the restaurant. I'm pushing all of my friends away. I saw Selina last weekend and it was so awkward. I can't even hang out with my best friend without it being awkward. I want to kill myself.

Please let me die in an accident.

10:56 pm I want to keep hitting myself until I don't wake up.

1/25/17 Wednesday 11:39pm

I'm at McDonald's getting a milkshake and food. I've "worked" from home the past three days because I don't wake up till 9 or 10. That's a lie, I'll wake up and hit snooze, but won't force myself into up. On Monday I stayed online till 11:30 and then said o had a doctors appointment and was gong to wfh the rest of the day, but the last two days I haven't even sent anything out. I deserve to get fired. My depression is destroying me.

1/26/17 Thursday 2:30pm

I woke up late at 8:50ish and got online. Did the scheduled work for Austin and once that was finished, drove into the office and got in at about 10:30 (I think). I ate lunch at my desk and I've gone back and forth to the bathroom and just sat. Only work I've done today is finally send an email I've needed to for weeks. Mom asked me to call her at lunch and I finally said I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday. I told her I'd decide on a weekend and give her a call tonight, but I'm not sure I can. It's now 2:48. I've been in the bathroom almost 20 minutes.

2/16 4:29pm

I woke up at 3:30 am and stayed awake, but then fell asleep and didn't get online from home until about 9:40. Came into the office about 12:40. I've done maybe an hours worth of work. I really hate myself. When driving into work nearly had an accident from someone driving recklessly and me not just letting them pass me. They cut to my right into a lane for cars getting on and drove on the side of the road to pass me since I didn't slow down. The driver even had people (possibly kids) in the back of their car. I hate myself, but that person as well if they can justify that type of driving that also may harm their own kids, let alone other people. I started yelling again in my car...it's getting worse.

I hit myself again this morning in the shower.

2/17 12:18am

I can see myself committing suicide within the next year. Depending if I don't get better, maybe not till after my parents pass.

2/20 12:33pm

I didn't get up again today (Monday) until 9:50 and log online. Then finally came in to the office about 10 minutes ago. Off to a bad start of the week. I should be fired. I did "clean" a good portion of my apartment yesterday because at&t suppose to be coming this week. It's still a terrible mess, but you can finally see the floor now. Next is the kitchen.

1:04pm - eating lunch by myself at wich which. Postponing going back to the office. Not sure if taking these notes is beneficial, or even a smart idea (hint, it's not)

2/21 12:31pm

Late again. Thinking of working from home tomorrow. Getting worse. Really worse. Spent too much money yesterday on gifts I'll probably never give.

2/24 11:52am

It's my birthday. Today hasn't been a bad day.

2/28 12:15 pm

In training. Feeling useless. My back is also killing me. Have my APA later today. Guess I'll find out how badly I'm doing or if we'll just pretend I'm doing fine when it's obvious I'm not. Not likely I'll get fired since I'm an ITA, but don't know. Just haven't been given a warning or anything

3/13 12:48pm

I'd been doing okay for a little while. Starting to get worse again. Started saying things again. Didn't wake up for work till 9ish. Didn't get in till 11ish. Need to stop. Want to hurt myself. Want to kill myself. Fighting it. Still doing bad. In the bathroom wanting to hit myself. Shara texted about doing stuff this weekend, and I almost want to back out. I'm suppose to do Aerials with gabby tonight, but want to use my weight as an excuse and say I'm over their limit (which may actually be true, but their website doesn't say and no one picked up when I called), or that I don't have the right clothes, or I'm having a panic attack (probably closest to being honest). And one of the other things that's bugging me in the back of my head today I'm hating myself most of all for it even bothering me.

3/20 4:39am

Mild depression acting up. Want to "call/email" out of work. Smacking myself a bit the past day

3/22 6:14pm

Didn't go into work today and haven't done any work so far. Needing to get a report and presentation done before tomorrow. Depression has been really bad this week. Sleep is getting off. Whispering harmful things to myself and hitting myself more often.

3/24 10:44am

I want to hurt myself. I'm doing really badly this week. No point even coming into work. Can tell I'm being replaced in all areas. Went to lunch with people. Faked it. Now I'm back at the office (2:04pm) and hiding in the bathroom. I feel like I'm gonna pass out. I want to pass out.

I want to die.

3/25 5:02pm

Doing bad today too. Didn't get up till noon. Went to the park to walk, but had negative thoughts the entire time and it didn't help. Convinced myself to go out to dinner at Las Margaritas that I normally get take out from. I plan to make myself sit in the living room when I get home to get out of my bedroom/bed. It feels pathetic, but right now the smallest things feel like an achievement.

3/27 1:41am

I want to kill myself. I just want it to end. I don't want to hurt my family though. I wish I could make them forget i existed so I wouldn't feel guilty about it.

3:06am still lying awake on the couch. The longer I stay awake, the longer I postpone till tomorrow comes.....or that's how it feels. Ready to kill myself.

3/30 8pm

I now weigh 245 pounds. I write this as I sit in line at chick fil-a getting a meal for two people and a milkshake

3/31 6:38

Deleted all of my social media. Specifically tumblr, which I can't reactive. Gone forever.

4/6 1:12pm

Was doing better for a bit because work was busy enough to distract me. Getting too busy now. Think I overheard two people saying they don't want to work with me, and storage team disregards my existence. It's a new feeling when I feel like I'm doing some good work, but know I'm also doing terrible in other areas and people no longer want to work with me. Hitting hard and really want to hurt myself again. I need to make some life choices before I end up committing suicide.

4/7 1:36pm

It might be good to just quit before June. If I sold everything I had, I could pay off all my debt. I'd be left with nothing, but wouldn't leave anything for people to worry about.

4/17 10:21am

So overwhelmed.

4/19 9:08am

Sitting on toilet at home. So overwhelmed at work. Can't get anything done and nothing is going right.

6/1 11:02am Thursday

Hadn't been in the office in almost a week. Had Friday off and Monday for Memorial Day, but lied and said Tom had knee surgery on Tuesday and then wfh on Wednesday. Getting bad again. Realized I hadn't been writing in here for a month and a half. Not sure if that's a good win or not, since I mostly only remember to when I'm getting bad again.

6/25 2:15am

Depression getting bad again. Suicide would be nice. Just want it all to end. If I could sleep for a year, I'd take it.

6/27 12:40pm

Didn't go into work until almost 11 yesterday. Working from home today. Can't even answer a phone call. Have a meeting at 2 and then will probably shower as unavailable the rest of the day.

6/28 3:06pm

Woke up at 5 and still didn't go into work today. Stayed showing as away all day and said I had issues with Skype and car issues

7/14 12:50pm

JB texted me asking if I was off. I should just kill myself. Lying through my teeth. His pa

7/18 3:28am Tuesday

I want to die in an accident so no one I care about thinks it was a suicide.

7/20 1:59pm

Didn't go into work until 12 today. While I was in the shower, my phone range and I just started cursing thinking it was my manager. Already had my lie made up going to say my car stalled this morning coming into work. Didn't have my phone (which is why I didn't pick up if it was them), but luckily a cop pulled over and called a tow truck....

Haven't had to use my lie yet, but going to use parts of it tonight to get out of going to a coworkers house for game night.

I really hate myself.

I need to call in my medicine to see if they'll prescribe it again, even if it doesn't seem like it's helping.

7/31 9:04pm

In line at Taco Bell. Didn't go into work today or Friday. Meant to send an email saying I was taking my mom to doctors and would be back Tuesday, but overslept and didn't bother. Don't want to go in tomorrow either. I haven't been replying to Shara and I feel terrible, but I'm not in a good place either. Hadn't been replying to family until Mom called worried and acted like I just forgot to hit send on some texts. It's easier to act like nothing is wrong with people who don't know I'm not good mentally. I saw a post on Tumblr that describe what I'm feeling. I'm pushing people away so it's easier when I want to kill myself.

9/5 11:42am

Moved to new apartment. Enjoying it so far. Had a 5 day weekend from labor/took Thursday and Friday off to move. 1st day back at work and already feeling overwhelmed and counting down till 4:30. Kill myself creeping inside my head again.

9/21 10:02am

Want to die. Want to die. I just really want to die. Kill myself. Kill myself. I'm so tempted to kill myself. I'd make it look like an accident so not to hurt my family. But I need to find homes for Yen and Shani, or plan accordingly. Could drop them at a shelter, but include some cash to help care for them (1k?). Then someone who is a good person, but just had money trouble would take them. I'm not sure I'll live 15+ years to outlive them. I take that back; I know I won't. I don't even know sometimes if I'll make it to tomorrow. I'm not actually making any attempts or plans to do it, but every time I walk in to work or leave, I hope a car hits me. Kill me kill me I just want to die.

10/18 9:52am

Overslept and didn't go into work today. "Working" from home online. Depression episode kicking in again. I just want to die.

10/31 Tuesday 12:02pm

Didn't get into work until 11 today. Called into the 8:30 conference and answered some emails to appear like I was working, but hardly got out of bed. ~Read back through some of these notes just now and now I've got in the back of my head the idea of starting to hit myself again. I know this is a downward slope, but really want to go to the bathroom stall and do it anyways just so I don't feel numb. It's lunchtime, so no one should be there to hear it. ~~I ended up going to get rubber bands and paper clips instead. Still hit myself s few times, but people kept coming into the restroom while I was in the stall.~

11/1 2:16 pm

In drivethru for chick-fil-a. Working from home rest of week probably. My anger is terrible. Called someone a cunt in the drivethru for honking and it wasn't even at me. My window was down, so think the person in front of me may have heard. I'm a terrible person and hate myself.

11/16 9:14am Thursday

Just got into work. Feel exhausted and drained as always. Just noticed it’s coming up on a year in January when I started making these notes. I honestly don’t know if I’m doing better or not. I’d say I’m not. Definitely not.

12/5/17 2:36pm

It’s a Tuesday, and I’d not been in the office for two weeks (11/21) between workin from home on Wednesday because thanksgiving was the next day, off Thursday and Friday, and then all last week I just never came in. Yesterday I “worked” from home, and today I didn’t get in till about 12. And the only thing I wanted to think about while walking into work because I forgot my headphones and couldn’t drown out the thoughts with music was how I wanted to kill myself. I have a meeting from 3-4 with new agile team (honestly probably only real reason I forced myself into the office). I wonder how fake I can present myself today. Hopefully it won’t be terribly interactive and mostly just informational.

1/14/18 11:27pm

I didn’t go into work at all last week. Was online only Monday for the entire day, and then Wednesday for the day on do-not-disturb. Skipped Tuesday and Wednesday completely though. Need to force myself to go into the office tomorrow. I hate myself. So much to catch up on. I cleaned a bit of the apartment, but still need to do more. My oncall starts next week, and I pray it’s quiet.

1/22/18 3:10am

Won’t go to bed because then the morning comes faster. I’m oncall this week and I just pray nothing happens at all. Even one ticket. Please don’t. I think I have an appointment this Friday about my antidepressants, but honestly I’m not sure. Please let me be left alone this week and work from home. I’ll even make sure I get work done.

1/23/18 12:30am

I’m pathetic at work.

2/4/18 6:43pm Sunday

Out grocery shopping. Tried to do small talk. Wanted to help bag like I do sometimes, but not doing well, so just awkwardly typing this on my phone. I HAVE to get work done when I get home, but haven’t been doing well. I’ll be lucky if I get anything done or I do it in the middle of the night (especially with my sleep schedule).

2/5/18 11:52am

Didn’t get anything done last night, but was able to wake up early and get it submitted by 8 (only one other person has anything uploaded so far). What pisses me off is another teammate setup a meeting at 2 with no heads up. That little amount of time and a same day meeting? Fuck that shit. I’ll attend, but doubt John will and don’t blame him. I said I was going to the doctor earlier, so purposely missed the one actual meeting I had today. Couldn’t get out of bed. Hate myself. Submitted a service request for the lights to be fixed in my apartment, so that’s the one useful thing I’ve done. I was wrong, John did accept. I hate myself.

5/7/18 Monday 8:59am

On the train in to work. Only going in for the ITA orientation and then probably leaving. Probably will stay an hour to get hibachi for lunch and then leave. I’m oncall this week. Please please please don’t have any tickets or sde’s after hours. Please god. Just this once. I’ve been doing so well with my depression, but the last week and a half it’s been dipping again and I’m afraid. On the chart at my therapy office, id finally for the first time dipped below the number for being depressed! I know I’ll always have depression and depression slumps, but it’s scary going back into my first one after doing well for almost two months. I don’t want to go back into that. I really don’t. Please just don’t have my oncall this week go badly. Dear god, just please don’t. I don’t want to breakdown in tears from anxiety this week. Make my next oncall worse, but just let me not have to worry about anything this week. Please.

5/7/18 Monday 11:21am

Doing better mentally once I got in the office and moving. It’s sad how easily that change can happen. You’d think I’d be happy, but just makes me realize how easily I can drop again. Part of me knows I could stay at the office and continue working, but the other half doesn’t care. I’m eating hibachi and then taking the train home.

5/10/18 1:02pm

Finishing up lunch at hisaki and then going into office. Have to recount all of the WebLogic VM counts manually.....

All the work before I did is basically useless.

Time to go through 400+ (maybe less since a good number are in the shared environment) and find out their host count. I shouldn’t really be complaining. Just didn’t want to have to do/worry about anything till after my vacation.

Now it’s 1:32 and I’m sitting in the toilet just waiting for the day to end. Shoot myself shoot my self I just want to shoot my self.

5/23 5:12pm

Felt sick the past few days. Worked from home. Throat is killing me, but in line at McDonald’s and going to get

5/25 Friday 11:27am

Hardly worked at all this week. Ignored a voicemail to call back my PO. Work is frustrating me.

I just hit myself for the first time in a long time again. Chest, face, head. It felt good

5:57pm clenching my fists in drive through. Want to hurt myself

5/28 Monday 2:04pm Memorial Day off work

At the bbq place getting Togo food. Been in bed all day/all weekend really. Felt sick, but also depressed. Stomach was so upset, didn’t take antidepressants yesterday. Going to take them for today when I get back. Still, I’ve not been doing well at all. Hitting myself more. Mainly the chest. May even do it on the way home. Just feeling numb again. Started reblogging suicidal/depression posts on tumblr again. It’s pathetic. Like a cry for help to the two I know who are on tumblr, but one never acknowledges them, and the other rarely gets on anymore. I have therapy this Friday (o think?) and have no improvement to speak of to the doctor. Overslept one from depression, but rescheduled the last one due to work issues. Slit my throat. Want to die. Let it end. Started singing those little tunes to myself the last week or two. Want to hurt myself. Really just want to drop dead from an accident. Get someone to take care of my cats, and then my family won’t think it’s a suicide.

6/12 10:59am Tuesday

Sitting at train station going into work. Just got back from surgery follow up and everything is fine. Spent maybe 10 minutes there in total. Now I’m going into work to eat my unhealthy lunch hibachi chicken and soda as always. I’m sad all the team. I have an in person meeting from 2-2:50, but will probably leave after that. Unless I ask Carter if he needed help with patching and he says yes, which is why I’m considering if I even should?? Wow, that’s pathetic of me. I only have to make it till EOD Thursday. Then I’ll watch Lily for the weekend, have my therapy session on Friday, and (maybe?) visit Mom and Tom on Sunday.

6/24 Monday 10:46am

I may barely make it into the office for an 11am meeting. This isn’t going to be a good week.

7/3 Tuesday 6:11pm

I missed my medicine twice in the last week (I think? Or only once). But just don’t care to take it anymore since I’ve noticed

7/9 Monday 12:15am

This isn’t gonna be a good week. I can already tell.

7/22 Sunday 1am

Doing patching. Teammates were being fucking useless, so I got offline and said I was having internet issues. It’s been a fucking hour and they’ve not done shit. The job is still hung exactly where it was when I left off. They’ve not tried to do anything at all. There are two more groups that have to run for Linux, and we’re already 2/3 hours of patching there is from 11-2am. Cancel the ticking job you dipshits. I even sent an email basically telling you to!!! I did all the ducking work for you!!! Instead you just sit there for an hour doing nothing!!! Cancel the fucking job!! If it gets to 1:30am and still nothing, I’m sending a follow up email and ccing myself. I’m not even suppose to be in charge here!! They are!!! At least Brandon should be. Daniel is ridiculously new, but clearly knows more, so make the ticking call too, for fuck sake.

- they finally did when I was typing this all out. And of course it was the new kid, not the guy who is a full time employee who should be making the call. Then again, I’m a waste of space too. Just got fed up with them and quit with a bullshit excuse. I’m trash. Now that I’ve calmed down, I hate myself again.

Thursday 7/26 2:54pm

First time I’ve been in the office I think nearing 3 weeks? I’ve not been taking my antidepressants as consistently. So tired all the time. Hardly get out of bed. Didn’t go to therapy last week. I need to call tomorrow to cancel next weeks too unless it’s early in the morning. And also schedule more since I don’t have any after that. And also reschedule one on a different day for my medicine.

Just got off my 3pm call. PO wasn’t there, so I basically lead. Talked for like 5 fucking minutes before my team lead said they’ve been doing it manually the last 4 days. So basically I’m a fucking idiot and out of the loop. I’m definitely not Sr IT analyst ready. I’m just gonna leave work. I hate myself. Put myself on do not disturb and closed my laptop. Ran and caught the train. I’m so ducking fat and out of shape. I should just go skydiving by myself and not pull the parachute. Quick and easy. Could I do it in a body bag so it’s less of a mess for the people who have to clean it up? Sky dive, pull the bag out midair. Put it on and zip it up. Splat. Done. Kaput. 😊

How many weeks vacation do I have? Just use it all at once and disappear. Then when it’s up I just never come back. I wanna jump in front of a car or train, but not okay with the impact it’d have on the person driving. If I jump off mountain, the only person it might hurt is the people who found me? Plus annoy the people who have to clean me up.

Could have a suicide note and send it in so the police can find me easily? Idk. Can’t do anything till my cats are okay.

8/14/18 Tuesday 10:19am

On the train to work. Only going in to have an in person meeting. Didn’t wake up till 9:20 and only jumped up because of the daily Standup call at 9:30. Have patching this week and next. Alex is out the rest of the week, so I’m in charge of Windows....never done it by myself, yet alone enough with someone else to be confident. Need to send out the email as soon as we get Tom’s email tomorrow. Get the jobs running and finish documentation. I think Wednesday only has noreboot servers and is a small window? Hopefully okay.

I’ve not been taking my medication. Haven’t been to the doctors in really long (therapy/antidepressant doctor). I have roughly 35 days to get in better shape/health/mental state before going to Samantha’s to see Welcome to Nightvale. Will it happen? No idea.

Still on the train. 10:27. I feel so num. no emotion at all.

5:49pm - on the train home from work. Got a lot done today, so feel somewhat decent. If I can bury my head in work and actually get stuff done, I won’t notice my depression sometimes.

9/5 Wednesday 10:51 am

Have a big kickoff meeting I’m leading. Has a shit ton of people in it. Don’t feel confident. Stomach is nauseated. Want to hurt myself too. Get it over with. Cut my throat. Let me die. Die die die die.

9/20 Thursday 11:05am

Have barely worked the last week since the hurricane hit and we’re in storm mode. Had my first “shift” start at 6 this morning, and I was the only one in the room. Was a good thing I came in to the office. Actually got some stuff done. Just really tired since I couldn’t get to sleep till 2:30 or 3, and got up at 4:22. Going home right at 2. Today hasn’t been bad, but I’m exhausted and sad at myself for being so fat and out of shape.

Animal crossing

Love Nicky

Clash royal

Good fantasy

9/26 11:53am

On train into work. Have two in-person meetings this afternoon. I regret volunteering to do the ITA stuff. Just added stress with no good outcome. My stomach hurts too. Don’t know if something actually wrong, or just anxiety of everything with work, deciding to go to the BigFix event tomorrow during work hours, and text Samantha lying I can’t come to the show. Too many lies happening at once due to my anxiety. I guess I do have anxiety. My depression making my life difficult makes me have anxiety. God my stomach hurts. Kill me kill me I want to die. Slit my throat just want to die. Just disappear I just want to disappear. First steps I need to take today to help fix my anxiety

1. Call and reschedule therapy as soon as I get off train DONE

2. Talk to Cathy and then John about change freeze issue with Websphere maintenance. Then get communications out. SENT AN EMAIL

3. Prep documentation for ITA meeting at 3. WORKING ON

4. Plan what time to leave tomorrow

5. Text Samantha for details (address, what time I should get there, etc)

6. Plan to drive home after show

Die die die die die die di die die die die die kill me

10/3 Wednesday 2:51pm

I’ve not been into work since last Wednesday, and hardly online all this week. Finally got a text from manager this morning asking what’s up. Ready to kill my self.

10/4 Thursday 1:24pm

On the train into work for a 2pm meeting I’m hosting. I may barely make it in. Barely. Or I’ll be late. Shocker. I’m useless. I look and feel disgusting. Literally just need to know if Cathy will fight if we have to push the qa and prod environment during a change freeze. If not, what will happen if we have pushed test and dev, but can’t push prod/qa for months?? I highly doubt that’s okay.

11/1/2018 Thursday 1:12pm

Waiting for the train. Overslept for therapy and then an important meeting I said I’d be late for, but not miss the entire fucking thing. I’ve pretty much given up on therapy for now. Doesn’t make a difference, and won’t get another appointment for 2-3 months, if they’d even give me one with how many no-shows I’ve done. My stomach acid is killing me.

Have meeting. Schedule jobs for 5. Go eat hibachi. Take train home. Meeting is at 2. Doubt chuck will be there. Cathy may call in or not. Literally just depends if John/srini at there. If not, will be over in 10 minutes. If they are, just keep chugging along with Websphere (need to plan how to do QA and PROD along side OS patching.

QA

Wednesday - do it right after patching for Linux/aix. Try and include windows in the patching, or same scenario.

Do we think it’s worth doing adc/cdc groups still? Or just all at once?

Thursday - Linux/aix I do manually (hit B & C right at 5, and then A when it finishes)

11/29 Thursday 9:25am

Going into the office. I’m just really sad. I’m up to 283lbs without any clothes on. I’m working nights now with patching at work. I’m rude to the point that I don’t even move my bag on the train. It’s just all really sad. It’s not bad enough I’m hurting myself or suicidal thoughts, but I’ve just been emotionally numb. I quit taking my medicine for about a week or two, but then noticed an increase in anger, so started taking them again.

12/18 Tuesday 3:39pm

Sitting at a jimmy johns nears my apartment eating. On vacation from work, and watching Lily till Thursday, but I’ve had to be online some because patching still isn’t being covered by the EDC, even though Matt apparently was handling it but clearly didn’t? I’ll be up anyways, so I’m not mad mad, but more just annoyed, because I’m not doing this come January. Pretty depressed though. Sleeping all the time. I weigh over 285lbs now. Maybe I’ll die from a heart attack in 2019? I’ve not been taking my medicine lately, but I’ll run out soon anyways unless I schedule an appointment with my doctor. Definitely see my anger spiking some when I’m not on it while driving or the sorts. Last Friday I went into work and ran into my manager(s) which was good. Talked some, and mentioned about the possibility of moving to Durham. Would be okay, but did mention Charlotte is better career wise, which is true (but I’m okay with that?). I’m just sad all the time still. Apartment is a mess almost always, which isn’t good for the cats. I hardly ever clean their litter boxes, and it’s disgusting for them. Which reminds me I have to take them to the vet. I should call when I get back to schedule something and also clean their litter boxes before anything else.

2/18 10:02am

On my way into work to train one guy on patching, even though I’ll probably be the one having to do it the rest of the week. Was in an accident yesterday. Car hit me from behind. Surprisingly still shaken from it. I’m pathetic. Have to call insurance today since they said they were closed yesterday. Hopefully it’s just visual damage. The bumper popped off a bit, but I don’t know if it can just be popped back into place. I know nothing about cars. Other persons was much worse, but no one was hurt at least. I wish I was hurt. Just kill me. Be done with it all.

Work is never ending stress, this fucking house is too. AND I JUST REMEMBERED IM ON-CALL ALL THIS WEEK FFS. Please let it be quiet. I’m begging you. With all the SDE’s and ongoing stuff, don’t let there be anything for me. Slit my throat.

2/20 Wednesday 2:04pm

Sitting at a car body repair shop getting an estimate by Statefarm. Hopefully should be fine. Work is stressing me out. House is too. I’m responsible for getting the WebLogic patching done, but it’s all up to Srini looking at the problem servers. It’s not fair to him as I’m sure he’s swamped, but he’s the only one who can fix it. Also that one guy who sent that needs to go fuck himself. Passive aggressive fuck. Then with the house. They finally responded saying they want their roofer to take a look, which is fine. Just don’t come back and argue you’re not doing anything. I’m so done with that shit. Just offer to pay half and be done with it. Then my mental health is just terrible. Want to hurt myself. When I get home may take a butter knife or something and hurt myself. Cut my throat. Not even going into the office tomorrow even though I said I would. Fuck Friday. Please be a quiet oncall week. I’m beginning you, just like I do ever time I’m oncall. It’s pathetic. Wish I had cancer instead of Tom. Let me die instead of him. Mom needs him. Just let me die.

It’s Wednesday. Need to make it through the weekend. “Work day” just tomorrow. Have other work to do, but I’m not as worried about the after hour work for IE9 IE11 and office 2010 SP2. Slit my throat slit my throat

[rosellenjane]

1/10 - Vung Tau to Mui Ne

So I didn’t do a post yesterday, that’s pretty much due to me spending the day doing nothing other than book my bus for today, drink a little with the people at the hostel and do a couple of hours of my TEFL course. It rained mid morning and that was enough excuse to do nothing. I had a nice catch up with my Mez Bez and ate two pots of instant noodles so you’re all upto date for yesterday’s activities.

This morning I had set my alarm for 05:45 to get up and do my last bit of packing for my bus that was arriving at 06:30 for a 4.5hr drive to Mui Ne. Just before my alarm went off I had a knock at my door from the night security guy telling me the bus would be here at 6. Bloody hell, I had 15mins to open my eyes the other 50%, pack my shower stuff I definitely wasn’t about to use and general shite lying around like chargers, pjs and insect repellent.

This time my small rucksack had 1 plimsoll with my deodorant stuffed in it and my make up bag, I’m losing at the big rucksack jenga arrangement.

I ran down at 05:57 to pay my bill and go for one last wee as I wasn’t sure if the bus would be stopping. The little mini bus arrived at 06:20 😐 so I had a nice chat with the security guard and he helped me with my stuff onto the mini bus I’d been told was taking me to Mui Ne. To my surprise we stopped off 10mins later which I thought was to let people off until I saw someone carry my big rucksack onto a coach. The girl I was next to nudged me to get off so I followed my rucksack and pointed at the coach door to the driver and he gave me the thumbs up so I just got on, I couldn’t really do much else and everyone was smiling so I went along with it. I got told off as soon as I boarded for not putting my flip flops in the carrier bag that was thrust upon me, and later on when we had a toilet break told off for wearing them rather than a pair of sliders from a big box of athletes foot that was supplied. It was a sleeper coach so all of the seats were like very reclined aeroplane seats with cubby holes for your feet. I wasn’t sure I’d fit through the very narrow aisle but I followed the guy down and catapulted myself into this little nest and he popped my rucksack alongside my legs and we set off.

I was about 30cm away from an Indian guy on my left who must have been commuting and I’m not sure if his headphones weren’t connected to his iPad or what but I had the pleasure of listening to some of his favourite hits for a long while whilst he napped, also every time we turned left his phone slid off of his little table into the aisle and I had to put it back on his iPad scared that he’d wake up and think I was trying to steal it, I ended up hoping we’d take a sharp right and it would be someone else’s problem.

I fell asleep and when I woke up I checked google maps and saw we were close to Mui Ne and the Indian guy was gone so they were obviously dropping people off. I made eye contact with the bus assistant and showed him my hotel address and he gave me a thumbs up. Unfortunately there are 3 or maybe 4 hotels under the same group in Mui Ne and once he told me to get off I found that I was at a different hotel to the one I’d booked. Again I checked google maps and found I was 20mins walk away and it was midday, it was 29 degrees and I had that toddler equivalent on my back, I checked grab and only motorbike taxis were available so I decided to walk it, for 30 seconds until I saw a taxi driving towards me waving. The hotel is called Mui Ne Hills and that’s for a reason. I’d read reviews about the hill but I thought that 300metres is nothing really, and it isn’t, until you have the weight of a 2 yr old on your back, probably a 1 yr old on your front and a 2 litre bottle of water in your hand. I was sweaty as hell when I got to reception and I was an hour and a half early to check in.

I dropped my bags in the check in area and went for a smoke and a guy who started working at the hostel today asked if he could speak to me and practice his English, no problem, he was nice and invited me to visit his family’s farm where they grow dragonfruit. We chatted for an hour or so and he learned some new English words and I showed him English money that he hadn’t seen before.

Once I checked in I charged my phone etc, sapped up the air con and then headed down to the pool. I was sat alone for a bit until the Vietnamese guy came over again, we chatted for a while and a downpour started. A couple of friends from Holland joined us and we all got to know eachother which was cool, They had met on a travel buddy website a month previous so we did the now usual conversation of ‘how long’, ‘where have you been’ ‘where’s next on your list’ conversation. This took us up until 5ish which is when the hostel activities started. First was a pool pillow fight which was the most entertaining thing I’ve seen in a long time, the guys were especially good as they clung on to the pole for so long!

The winner shared his beer tower with us so I made a few more Dutch friends which was nice. This is the Vietnamese guy and the Dutch guy competing, the Dutch guy won in the end -

Next up was flip cup where you go down the line, drink your beer and then have to flip your cup upright from the edge of the table and it goes down the line in a race.

After this me and the girl from Holland got a pizza from the restaurant and got chatting to a couple who have been honeymooning for 4 months already, they were great and so friendly. I needed to shower so said I’d catch them at beer pong. There was a quiz about to start but I was greasy as hell and needed a freshen up. I did actually only miss about 10mins of the quiz and when I got back down I joined the honeymooners, a new couple from America and a guy from Australia and we came 3rd in the quiz. One of my redeeming answers was to a riddle - what travels the world but stays in one corner???

After the quiz it was time for beer pong, There were teams of 2 and I was with the Australian guy. We were shit, absolutely shit, our game lasted around 45mins and they had to bend the rules for us and our opponents just so the game finished. I had got the winning shot but anyone who plays the redemption rule, well, what a crap rule, so we were out of the tournament. I think I’m so used to playing on whoever’s garden table that’s available that I was not equipped for a full length beer pong table. Especially embarrassing after bigging myself up as a good player.

The beer pong started at 9:30pm and I’m writing this at 3am. We played ring of fire (ring of death as the Dutch call it) so things got a little messy whilst the tournament was still going on. The honeymooners ended up winning which was nice but when they started offering out shots of rum from the bottle they’d won I decided to call it a night, I was supposed to be going on a sand dune tour at 04:30 to watch the sunrise...

I’m looking forward to seeing everyone at the pool tomorrow and seeing how everyone’s feeling, I’ll probably take it easy tomorrow and book that jeep safari for the following morning to get something productive done.

Lots of love,

Rosie

[sneebyy]

1-92 for the make me admit stuff ask :3

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? I mean I already have soooo :P @calibratedcatnip

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? Nop

3. Have you taken someones virginity? Nop

4. Is trust a big issue for you? Not really, I do my best to trust people and usually succeed c:

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? No, it’s been four days since I last hung out with my love and that’s not recent at all and she left so long ago and I’m dying ;-;

6. What are you excited for? Seeing my love again, being done with finals, sleeping, and not being tired.

7. What happened tonight? I took a nap then woke up at like 11:30pm

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? It can be cute or just kinda sad depending on the girl. Not really disgusting though.

9. Is confidence cute? Depends.

10. What is the last beverage you had? SimplyTM Strawberry Lemonade

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? My love, my mom, and my sister

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? No lol

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? I mean today is saturday night and I already slept a bunch and I’m gonna do homework so sleep and do homework.

14. What are you going to spend money on next? Probably food

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? Yesss!!!

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? I hope so. I have a lot I need to improve about myself. I hope I can at least a little bit within the next three months. I’m not sure though.

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? My love and my friend Grant

18. The last time you felt broken? I always feel a little broken because of my sleep stuff, but mentally I haven’t in a while in a long time, so that’s good.

19. Have you had sex today? Nop

20. Are you starting to realize anything? uh. n-no? is something going on here? am I missing something?

21. Are you in a good mood? Yeah I’m in a pretty okay mood c:

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? Sharks swim in the ocean and the ocean is cold and I don’t like swimming in cold water so no

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? Yes! And my mom’s.

24. What do you want right this second? 3 naps laying with my love ;-;

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? Idk, I’d be really surprised tbh because I trust her a lot. But I’d be really sad and curl up in a ball in bed then idk

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Yup

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Nop

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? Probably a meme about cats

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? My love ;-; a lot ;-;

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Depends

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? That would’ve been uhhhhh. That guy I was playing warframe with. So no? I mean I think he’s a guy. probably. really don’t know for sure tbh.

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? Yessss! My looooove! 

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? No I drink soda. Not super often, but I have nothing against it and do occasionally

34. Listening to? The white noise of my space heater

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? Ye, I never use pen, and I don’t take notes digitally or anything.

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? My love is at her house I think?

37. Do you believe in love at first sight? I mean the idea of it is cute, but idk. not really.

38. Who did you last call? My looooove! last night!! we talked for a while and it was so nice c:

39. Who was the last person you danced with? I’ve never danced with anyone I don’t think?

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because my love is cute and wonderful and I love her :3

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? too long ago

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? nop

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? evry day

44. Do you tan in the nude? No, I don’t tan

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? Nop. Never :3

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? Almost actually! I talked to my love on the phone until I was gonna sleep but then I couldn’t sleep so I stayed up for a bit :/

47. Who was the last person to call you? Dominos to open the gate so they could deliver me pizza.

48. Do you sing in the shower? nop

49. Do you dance in the car? is that physically possible?

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? like once at the fair! It was kinda fun I think?

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? High school graduation lol

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Yes

53. Is Christmas stressful? It can be if there’s too much family

54. Ever eat a pierogi? wtf is that?

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple!

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Astronaut when I was real small, then a paleontologist, then a roller coaster designer

57. Do you believe in ghosts? nop

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Ye

59. Take a vitamin daily? I did until I ran out a few weeks ago. I need to get more :V

60. Wear slippers? no, but I should!! that’s a good idea!

61. Wear a bath robe? Nop

62. What do you wear to bed? my birthday suit

63. First concert? Weird Al Yankovic. Not even joking.

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Target

65. Nike or Adidas? Nike. I like their rly light running shoes.

66. Cheetos Or Fritos? cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Both

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? Ew

69. Ever take dance lessons? When I was a small child I took hip hop lessons for like one day

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? My love could probably be a great writer, or maybe I could see her being a therapist if she gets her mental stuff figured out to help people that went through a lot of hard stuff like she did c:

71. Can you curl your tongue? Yis

72. Ever won a spelling bee? Nop

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes!

74. What is your favorite book? Probably Hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy? Or maybe slaughterhouse 5?

75. Do you study better with or without music? Depends. I do both.

76. Regularly burn incense? I wish!

77. Ever been in love? Yessss!! with @calibratedcatnip c: my love.

78. Who would you like to see in concert? Caravan Palace and Deadmau5

79. What was the last concert you saw? Weird Al Yankovic lmao

80. Hot tea or cold tea? Cold, and sweetened too because I’m trash

81. Tea or coffee? Both

82. Favorite type of cookie? gingersnap

83. Can you swim well? I can swim alright. Could probably be better.

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Ye

85. Are you patient? No lol

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? A single man playing a banjo

87. Ever won a contest? Yes, I once won free surf lessons then proceeded to chafe my legs on my wetsuit over the course of the week until I was in extreme pain. Also the sand on that beach had very small red worms in it and it was really creepy

88. Ever have plastic surgery? Nop

89. Which are better black or green olives? I’ve never eaten an olive

90. Opinions on sex before marriage? Having sex before marriage is a Sin and if you do it you will go to Hell for eternity

91. Best room for a fireplace? All of them

92. Do you want to get married? Yesss. To my looove c: