#idk it's just nice that tumblr is like‚ aware of what the expectations are

[effortandmore]

you, after all | knj x reader (18+)

summary: your break up hadn't been angry or contentious. he wanted to go, you never asked him to stay. it was simple, really. but when namjoon shows back up after three years, things don't seem so simple anymore

pairing: namjoon x f!reader

rating: explicit (18+ please)

genre: exes to lovers, smut, fluff (because of who i am as a person)

warnings: smut, a little swearing, here are the specific smut tags: kissing, penetrative sex, oral sex (f receiving), fingering, maybe a whisper of a hand job, namjoon has a big dick (i had to)... it's really pretty soft—they're just in love without saying so

word count: 6.8k

a/n: i haven't been able to write the things i need to write (sorry jin and yoongi), so here i am with some namjoon fluff & smut. thank you, as always, to @ugh-yoongi who is helpful and kind with reading these things. apologies for the banner quality; idk how to make it look nice on tumblr. this is posted to ao3 here if you like to read fics there.

There’s this thing about awkward silences—they’re not inherently awkward because of the absence of sound, they’re awkward precisely because you become acutely aware of every little sound around you that isn’t the one you were expecting or wanting to hear. 

The tap of his heel against the floor, muted by the thin cork flooring and then enhanced again by the way the fabric of his jeans whooshes when he jiggles his knee. The almost white-noise din of the other conversations around you, loud enough that you can pick out words but not meaning. The tinkling of silverware and chopsticks on ceramic and glass as people (including you) swallow things they think to say down with some glass noodles or spoonfuls of soup. 

No, you decide. Awkward silences are anything but quiet, they’re terrifyingly fucking loud. 

“So…” you finally start, “are you going to tell me what you’re actually doing here?” 

Namjoon looks up from his food at you as you speak, his eyes wide like they get when he’s been startled out of some (probably depressing) train of thought, eyebrows raised in crescents that sit like shadows above the rim of his glasses. Noodles trail out of his lips and hang there, resting on his chopsticks, waiting for him to act. 

It’s a perfect visual representation of the pause you feel in your whole body waiting for him to respond. Maybe somehow you are like a noodle, you think. 

You try not to laugh at the thought because you know it will send him back into some sort of overthinking spiral of dismal self-worth. You know he’ll think you’re laughing at him. Sometimes, back then, you were. But not usually.

(And he’s not the only one prone to existential crises. 

Perhaps that’s why you two had always gotten on so well. You’ve had plenty of time to think about how the two of you started and stopped, and being aligned in this sort of… well, thoughtfulness is maybe a generous way to put it… being alike in that way a little bit probably drew you together as much as it split you apart. One overthinker is enough for any relationship. Two is… two is probably one too many). 

With a slurp, he sits up and sets his chopsticks down. He’s still regarding you, his eyes haven’t left your face, you’re pretty sure. But now, it’s with the careful consideration he’s known amongst your friends for, not the surprise you clocked on him a moment prior. 

He’s still fidgeting. You can feel the vibrations of his legs when they brush the underside of the table because he’s too tall to keep his limbs to himself and too polite to stretch them out in a violation (would it really be? You’re not sure) of your space. For a moment, you think it’s out of character, and then you start to recall every difficult conversation you’ve ever had with this man in front of you. The way he would twist up his face into a scowl almost involuntarily, the pulling on his hair, the crumpling up of whatever paper was in reach, the peeling of countless labels off of beer bottles… No, you decide, the fidgeting is perfectly in sync with what you know of Kim Namjoon when he thinks he’s going to say something someone doesn’t want to hear (and also when someone’s telling him something he doesn’t). 

If you didn’t know him as well, you’d think he was stalling. Or unsure of himself. And he might be those things to some degree, but this version of him, you’re sure, is trying to figure out how to say what he wants to say in a way that you’ll accept. 

The problem is, you’ve been broken up for almost three years. You’re not sure what he could say that would even affect you like that any more. 

So, this is all a little frightening, this awkward loud silence between the two of you. 

You point the blunt end of a chopstick at him. “Joon, just spit it out. We haven’t seen each other in ages, I don’t want to waste this watching you think.” 

At that, he grins, and at least some of what you loved about him rears its head. He’s gorgeous when he’s happy—it’s contagious, too. His dimples appear, his cheeks push up into his eyes and his lips spread so wide they almost cover the span of his face. He’s really, truly beautiful like this, and when you see it now for a split second, you’re reminded of how much you used to love making him smile, how much pride you took in being the one who could almost always make him laugh. 

“Sorry,” he mutters as his grin turns from bright to sheepish. “You know how I can be.” 

That, you certainly do. 

“Well, you said you wanted to catch up, and we’ve done that, so now are you gonna tell me what you’re doing back here?” 

“I’ve been thinking,” he says, eyes dropping down to his bowl.

“Uh-oh.” You mean it to tease, not to be cruel, but his face falls a little anyway. You suppose it’s two sides of the same coin—being able to make him laugh and having enough influence to disappoint him with your words… they’re essentially the same thing and you know it. “Sorry,” you add, tapping his foot under the table with yours. “I was just teasing… Trying to make this less weird, I guess.” 

“It was never weird with us, was it?” He’s asking you, for what you’re not sure. Reassurance? Absolution? 

“No,” you reply softly. “It was a lot of things with us, but it was never weird.” 

And it wasn’t. Not when you fought about stupid shit late-night in the kitchen of your crappy apartment. Not when he took off to the city to do “big things” after uni and you just sort of… let him go. Not when your friends “didn’t take sides” but took careful measures to not invite you to the same parties, and not when he called you earlier today, totally out of the blue, telling you he was around and he wanted to see you. 

In order, it was frustrating, disappointing, lonely, and surprising, but none of it was weird. Not weird standing in his empty living room, leaning against a stack of his moving boxes and watching him pack the last of his belongings into a duffel. Not weird to wrap your arms around his neck and pull him closer to you as he fucked you into the mattress that last night before he left, whispering that he loved you and needed you. Not weird after, when you spilled tears on his chest and told him you were scared for what life would be like without him while he ran fingertips up and down your spine and reassured you that no matter what, you were going to have an incredible life. 

It wasn’t weird when the next morning, he promised you’d always be friends. 

It wasn’t weird when you both eventually stopped texting. 

It wasn’t weird when he never came back. 

But now he’s here, sitting in front of you in the same grungy noodle shop you used to have your cheap college date nights at, and things are absolutely, inarguably weird. 

Namjoon’s staring at you, still hasn’t answered your question, when the server comes with your check. He snags it before you can argue and gives you a distracted sort-of-grin when he gets up to find the cashier. 

Everything about this is so familiar and different at the same time. In your past life with Namjoon, he’d never just leave the table to pay with noodles left in his bowl, he’d never forget his manners and ignore asking whether or not you were ready to go. But him getting distracted by his own thoughts is on brand… So is the way he knocks over the cashier’s pencil cup when he tries to return the pen he used to sign the receipt. The most familiar thing is the glance he throws your way when he does it, rolling his eyes affectionately when he sees you stifling a laugh. 

It makes your stomach tumble. 

There isn’t a discussion when you leave the noodle shop, thank god. No asking if it’s okay if he walks with you, no awkward first date bullshit. Which of course there isn’t, you remind your nervous system, because this isn’t a date and it’s not a first anything really. First time you’ve seen him in a while maybe, but even that feeling’s been fading since you saw him through the window of the restaurant, sitting alone (waiting for you with his knee bouncing) at your usual table a couple hours prior. 

“Why do you think we call it a pencil cup?” he asks quietly. You can barely hear him over the car that happens to pass as he speaks. 

“Huh?” 

“We always call it a pencil cup, but everyone keeps pens in them, you know?” 

You smile softly in spite of yourself. “I don’t know, Joon-ah.” It’s a nickname you haven’t used or thought of in a long time. It feels too affectionate for what you are to each other now (you feel a little too affectionate toward him for what you are now, so you suppose it fits), but he doesn’t seem to notice, leaving you thankful for the universe’s small favors. “Humans are quirky. Language is worse,” you finish. 

He hums in response. “You’re right. You’re always right,” he agrees. 

Suddenly he stills, footsteps halting as he grabs your hand. The surprise you feel absolutely accounts (you hope) for the stupid swoop of your stomach; not the first one you’ve felt since the sun went down. “Can we?” he says, tugging on your hand like a ridiculously strong kid. 

It takes a second for you to realize what he means, but when you do, you readily agree. “Of course we can.” You move first, pulling him behind you, and it’s not lost on you when you look over your shoulder that he looks happier than you think you’ve seen him maybe ever, and that you’re still holding hands. 

You hop up onto the metal platform, letting him go, and he grabs one of the bars and starts to pull it behind him as he jogs. Your world literally spins. Arms out, you tilt your head back and puff out a long breath. It’s cold enough that you can see the smoky trail of it float above you, tendrils of steam looking like they’re curling around the stars. 

With a thud, Namjoon lands across from you on the merry-go-round, sitting to face you, legs sprawled out in front of him. You sit, too, and the metal wheel spins a little more slowly with each revolution until it’s barely moving millimeters, all of the momentum from Namjoon’s effort petering out. 

It’s weird, you think, that staring at him across from you, it still feels like the ground is moving. 

“I left.” He breaks the silence with a simple statement and you’re not sure what he expects you to say in return, so you just nod. “But I don’t know why you let me.” 

He doesn’t look at you when he says the last part, his head tilts off to the side and he leans it against one of the cold, metal railings. If he was anyone else, you’d think he hadn’t meant to say it out loud. But you know him, and you know he rarely says things he doesn’t mean. 

The first response in your chest feels like anger. He left you after all. He walked away. Of course you let him, what the fuck else were you supposed to do? Beg him to stay? You were basically kids. You still are. He had opportunities, you had a sick mom… it wouldn’t have been fair to ask him to stay. 

And then there was this: the insecure part of you didn’t want to give him the opportunity to tell you he couldn’t. Wouldn’t. That you weren’t worth it. 

Maybe you should have taken that chance. You’ve learned a lot since then. Grown up and gotten more confident, surely. Made new friends, had other partners. “Lovers,” as Taehyung likes to call them (just to see you roll your eyes at him in response). 

He keeps talking before you can let the angry thoughts have a voice. “I love being here,” he says softly, still not looking at you. “I love how you can see the stars, I love that the air smells better. I love the sea and the way it makes you feel small…” he sighs before he continues, “but I’ve been back for a week and I didn’t love any of it as much as I love this right now.” His voice gets quieter with each word. You barely hear him tack on, “with you.” You might even be imagining it, he’s that quiet. 

It almost makes you sick to not know what he’s getting at, to wish he would just be straight with you. All of this nostalgia… what amounts to a recreation of all your college dates… It’s just so much. 

“Are you pregnant?” 

“What?” Namjoon’s eyes look like they’re about to pop out of his skull. 

You let yourself laugh when you respond. “I don’t know! This just feels like the lead up to something big, you know? You’re pregnant, you have cancer, you’re moving to another country…” You trail off and then sit up straight, letting yourself get a little more serious. “What’s all this about? It feels like you have big news or… to be honest, it kind of feels like a date, Joon-ah.” 

“Feels like a date good or feels like a date bad?” he asks. 

“Feels like a date confusing,” you answer pointedly. “I don’t even know what you’re doing in town.” 

“Can I walk you home?” 

“That’s not an answer.” 

He stands then, and reaches a hand out to you to help you up. You let him even though you don’t need it, and he pulls you into a hug. Tight against his chest, things feel a little less confusing and this seaside town feels a little more like home than it has in a really long time. It’s distressing how right it feels to be close to him like this, how he smells just like he always has, how soft his stupid sweater is under your cheek. You do everything you can not to nuzzle against him in a complete violation of any boundaries that both of you might have. It’s all you want to do though, and that’s disconcerting in and of itself.

“Yeah,” you mumble into his collar. “You can walk me home.” 

You give him some grace as you walk, not repeating yourself for the millionth time with your request to know just exactly what he thinks he’s doing crashing back into your life with a half day’s notice. Then it occurs to you that he’s leading you home, which is fine except… you’re not sure how he seems to know where you live. 

“Joon? How do you know where we’re going?”

“Huh?” He gives you a distracted glance like he didn’t quite intake your question.

“My apartment, how do you know where it is?”

“Oh…” His cheeks flush the prettiest rose color. “Ah… you were at that art show in the city a few nights ago, right when I got to town, and Tae invited everyone over. We’d been drinking and the bar was closing and he said you wouldn’t be there…” He gives you a pained sort of smile. “He said you wouldn’t mind. Said you’d be staying with friends.” 

The idea that your ex was in your apartment without you knowing it is… well, it should be infuriating. But it’s not. It’s more like you want to know what he thought, if he liked it. If it felt like the you that he knew or a new version of you. If it felt familiar and different at the same time the way he does to you right now. 

“So… you’ve been in our apartment then…” It’s not a question, but Namjoon answers anyway, rushing the words out. 

“No! No.” He shakes his head. “I couldn’t do it. We got there and I… It felt like sneaking around and I couldn’t do that to you. I went back to Hoseok’s and crashed on his couch.” 

“Oh… okay.” You can’t figure out why you’re almost disappointed. “You can see it now. If you want. If that’s something you’d be interested in, you know…” The words spill out in a rambly jumble. 

Namjoon stops to consider you, head tilted like he’s trying to listen to words you’re not saying. He must find whatever he’s looking for, because he responds quickly. “Yeah, okay. I’d like that.” 

“Okay.” You nod but don’t move. 

“This is it, right?” 

And it is, indeed. You’re standing in the middle of the sidewalk in front of your own building, too distracted by whatever this thing is with the two of you to notice where you are. 

“Yeah, yeah. Come on up.” You punch the door code in and hold the door for him, bowing a little and giving an exaggerated gesture for him to enter to lighten the mood. 

Taehyung, the world's most interesting roommate, is working an overnight shift, so you know he’s not home, but you pray he hasn’t left anything strange out in the living room. You’ve walked into your apartment to find it perfectly spotless except for a trumpet and a dildo sitting side-by-side on the coffee table before, and though you’ve never really discussed it for obvious reasons, you’re fairly confident it won’t happen again. But not one hundred percent. 

“Tae’s working tonight,” you explain for some unknown reason as you unlock your door. It’s not like Namjoon is some third date here to fuck you for the first time, so it doesn’t matter if Tae’s there or not and he probably knows your roommate (his friend, too) is working, anyway. 

“I heard,” he mumbles behind you. 

To your extraordinary relief, nothing odd or personal is strewn around the living room or the kitchen, so you say a silent prayer of gratitude and slide your shoes off, motioning for Namjoon to do the same. 

“This is it,” you say, in your most uncreative moment of the night. “It’s nicer than the last place you saw me living,” you joke. It is, though. Much nicer. Having Tae to split the costs helps, and your art has actually been selling for the past couple of years, so that’s afforded you a little more than the old studio with a leaky shower and what was probably mold around the windows. 

“Mmm,” he murmurs as he looks around the open space. “It was nice ‘cos it was yours. It felt like you. But this does, too.”

“Water?” you offer. 

“Sure, thanks.” 

You fill up two glasses from the pitcher in the fridge and pad back into the living room where Namjoon is looking at the art on one of your walls. It’s a combination of your paintings and Tae’s photographs that the two of you thought complemented one another. 

“Your art.” 

“Yes…?”

“No…” Joon shakes his head and sets his water down on your coffee table. “Your art. It’s why I came back. That's why I’m here.” 

“Oh,” you squeak. It’s not what you expected—you didn’t expect an answer to your question, and even if you’d hypothetically received one, ‘your art’ wasn’t what you’d thought it would be. “I don’t think I understand. You want to buy one or something? You can just have a painting, Joon-ah... Friends and family discount. You didn’t have to come here for that.” 

He frowns and shakes his head again before he carefully takes your water glass and sets it on the table next to his. Then he reaches for your hand, and when you offer it to him, he guides you to your own sofa to sit. 

This time, sitting too close like you were in the noodle shop, you’re the one who’s nervous. Something’s up with him, and you’re not connecting the dots. 

“I saw your show. The solo one. Congratulations,” he says. His smile is warm like his hand that’s still wrapped around yours and it feels like you could maybe let your nerves settle a little bit. 

“Thanks. It was a lot of work, but worth it. I’m still a little surprised at how well it was received.” 

“I’m not.” He says it with conviction, and you love it. The hint of praise laced with his belief in you has always been a driver of your confidence; you don’t love that you need the external validation, but it’s nice, regardless.

“It reminded me of home,” he continues. “Made me sick for it. Like I couldn’t stand to be away from it for another minute. So, I told my work I needed some time off, and I came home.” 

“Oh… Okay. Well, I’m glad you felt something… I hope being home has been what you wanted.” 

“You don’t get it,” he says, frustrated. “I haven’t been home, not really. Not until tonight.” 

“Joon-ah…” 

“Please? Can I get this out?” 

And there are so many things to feel, you’re not even sure where to begin, so you just listen. It’s not easy to ignore the feeling of being on edge, the idea that you think you know where he’s headed with this. Since you’ve never even let yourself consider it (you’ve really not let yourself think about him much since he left. Certainly not recently), you have no idea what to think. So you focus on him instead; the tendons that run from his hands up his forearms that you used to love to trace with your fingertips, the way he’s filled out some since you last saw him—his chest and shoulders are broader, his jeans hug his thighs tighter than you remember… He looks good. Great, even. Everything you remember but a little bit more. Like he’s become the person he was always meant to be.

“I’ve dated a lot of people since I left,” he starts. And maybe this isn’t going where you thought it was. You scoff involuntarily, and he rolls his eyes at you. “Can you just listen to me?” he asks. 

You nod. “Sorry.” 

“Not at first. I missed you. I couldn’t figure out why you never… I don’t know… Tried to talk me out of it, never asked me to stay. I thought it meant that maybe you didn’t love me the way I loved you. After a while, a few months maybe, Yoongi told me I was depressing to be around, that I should try and make friends, meet people. He reminded me that I was the one who left, not you. And he was right.”

“I remember,” you say. It comes out a little harsher than you’d intended, but maybe not ever letting yourself think too much about him (especially about him leaving) has left you with some unresolved feelings you weren’t totally aware of. Namjoon’s jaw tightens, but other than that, he doesn’t react. Maybe he knows he deserves you being a little upset. Things ended oddly fine between the two of you, it was amicable, but if you’d let yourself feel everything back then, it might not have been that way. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, voice softer now. “I needed to go, though. You know I did.” He looks at you, waiting for you to give him some reassurance you think, so you squeeze his hand. 

“Yeah, you did, Joon-ah. It’s okay.” 

His fingertips trace patterns across your wrist and you can almost feel his body get looser when you give the small peace offering. “So,” he says, “I tried. I met people, I dated people, I moved to new apartments with new roommates to new parts of the city. I tried to get that feeling back. Not to… I don’t know. Not to replace you, but to feel like I was home. But nothing worked. Nobody worked. And then I saw your show.” 

“Oh…” It’s not much, but it’s the only thing you can think to say as he pulls you closer to him on the couch and runs a thumb across your cheekbone. It’s so much, it’s such a private thing for him to touch you like you're something breakable. Like you’re his, still. It’s making you short-circuit. 

“Home,” he says in a whisper. “I needed to come home.” 

“Home.” You repeat it like he’s taken all the words you used to know and pulled them out of your head to scatter on the floor in a mess. 

His lips are on yours before you have time to process, and you hear a whimper that you quickly realize must have come from your own throat as he kisses you more tentatively than you ever remember him kissing you before. You know this is him testing the waters, giving you time to decide if you want this—sort of—and maybe this is a one-night nostalgia thing for him, or maybe this is what forgiveness tastes like, and maybe it’s a terrible idea, but Namjoon’s lips on yours feel like home to you, too, and you don’t want to talk yourself out of something that feels so fucking right. You didn’t even let yourself remember that you missed him until now, and your chest aches with something like longing even though he’s here, he’s real, he’s kissing you. 

Kiss back, you remember suddenly. So you do. A slightly shaking hand moves to his thigh as you let him slip his tongue between your lips and lick into your mouth slowly. He’s firmer than you remember when you squeeze over his jeans and tilt your head to give him a little bit better access. The kiss, which started out so sweet, soon turns into something else entirely, and before you know it, you’re out of breath and letting out another whine when his hand drops from your cheek to around your waist and he tugs you even closer to him. You can feel him smile against your mouth when you pause to breathe.  

“Is this okay?” he asks, cheeks flushed, dimples out, and hair mussed. He looks like a dream. 

He looks like he’s yours again, and you want to let yourself have this, even if it’s temporary. 

“Yeah.” You nod too furiously to even look remotely cool or in control of the situation, and he laughs. It’s not like he looks much better off with his swollen lips and the stars in his eyes. “Bedroom.” You’re up and pulling him up with you before he can argue, practically dragging him behind you past Tae’s room and the bathroom to yours at the end of the hall. 

You move into your room and barely get the door closed before you’re being pushed back up against it, Namjoon moving his mouth down your neck, over your pulse point– all his attention focused on seeing what might make you shiver and whine. So much hasn’t changed. 

It’s odd, you think, as he finds the perfect spot, to have to learn this all over with someone. Does he remember all your places and all the things you like? Will he still be patient like he used to be, content to watch you get worked up because of his touch before he lets you focus on him? Will he have new things that make him moan, are there new things he likes that he learned from someone else? All these questions float through your head as Namjoon slowly slips his hands under your shirt and pulls it over your head. 

With your back against the wall, Namjoon drops to his knees in front of you and carefully unbuttons your jeans, slipping them down your legs with your underwear, groaning and face flushing when he finally gets you undressed. 

“You… are… incredible,” he mutters against your skin in between leaving hot, wet kisses across your pelvic bone. “I’ve missed you so much,” he adds as he hooks one of your legs and rests it on his shoulder. His breath is hot on your skin and it’s like you can feel it everywhere—he’s barely even touching you and every nerve ending in your body is responding, wanting more. 

As he brings his tongue to your clit, you let your head fall back against the door with a soft thud. He was always so good at this, he still is. His stubble brushes against you and makes shivers run up your spine. He’d probably not shaved that morning—you wonder if he did on purpose, remembering how you used to brush your cheek along his chin and tell him you liked it, how it made you feel soft and delicate when he wasn’t. 

His tongue works you over in long strokes, dipping inside on occasion and you hear him practically whine when he really tastes you. There’s never been anything hotter, you decide, than his deep voice so fucked out and turned on because of you. If you could get off on sound alone for the rest of your life, that might be the one you’d pick.  

When he finally slides a finger inside you, you moan—you’re so much louder than you’d meant to be, louder than you have been for anyone in so long, but he knows you. Knows your body, knows just how fast to move his tongue, how deeply you like to feel him inside you.

Namjoon’s lips form into a smile against you as he pauses, asking in a whisper, “Can I make you do that again?” before curling his finger inside you and taking your clit back between his lips. 

“Oh, fuck…” you whine. And yes, the answer is definitely yes. “Keep going,” you say as he fucks into you, giving you space to roll your hips away from the door and into his face. 

It doesn’t take much longer for you to come—Namjoon puts a large hand to your waist and helps support you as you tremble around him and your knee buckles. With a lot of effort, you ignore the quiet, private voice in the back of your mind that tells you that you don’t deserve this—that you shouldn’t be doing this, that you’ll get hurt again. Finally, your shaking subsides, and he moves your leg off of his shoulder and to the ground, keeping a grasp on you to help you stay upright. 

“You’re… still very good at that,” you say breathily. 

“Thank you. I’m pretty good at a lot of things, I think,” he says with a wink as he stands. 

You love when he’s cheeky like this, confident in a way that you remember being one of his best traits. Like he knows exactly what he’s capable of. It’s the first time you’ve seen him like this tonight and it makes you ache for things you don’t think you can have, for the past. He’s suddenly close again, so fucking close, and you can smell yourself on his lips and you can feel that he’s hard in his jeans. He leans in, even closer, bringing his lips to yours but not doing anything with them, and running a single fingertip across your jaw to hold your face in place—no place to look except at him, square in the eyes.

“Are there things you’re still good at?” 

Oh, holy shit. 

And you’d remained upright this whole time, but fuck if your knees aren’t ready to give in now. You swallow audibly and struggle to form an answer in your post-orgasmic haze, turned on by the nostalgia and the way he’s half-whispering, half-rasping. The intimate way he speaks to you  makes you almost drip again with desire.

“Well, if you’re not going to tell me, I guess I’ll find out for myself,” he says. Namjoon grabs your hand and squeezes, then leads you to your own bed. “Do you want me to find out? Do you want… me?” 

It should be something you have to think about longer, should be more of a consideration. But it isn’t at all. Your head is bobbing a ‘yes’ of its own accord and you’re slowly unbuttoning his jeans and pulling his sweater off before you really realize you’re doing it, before you can think about what it might mean in the morning. Before he slips out of his pants, he pulls a condom out of his wallet in the pocket and tosses it on the bed. 

The simple action has you a little nervous now, like suddenly this is real, and this is Namjoon, the actual love of your fucking life who left you, and he must see it on your face as you stand next to the bed, naked, facing one another, and unmoving. 

“Are you alright?” he asks.

“Yeah… I’m nervous. It’s been so long and it’s… you.”

Namjoon cups your cheek and brings his lips softly to yours. His other arm snakes around your waist and pulls your body into his—skin to skin everywhere, and it feels so good. His body really is different than you remember: firmer, broader, bigger, and you like it. It’s different, but just as good, you decide. Familiar and different at the same time, just like everything else about him. When he breaks the kiss, he finally speaks.

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” 

“I do,” you say resolutely, convincing him and yourself at the same time. You bend over to grab the condom and feel his hands on your ass, so you stay, dropping to your elbows on the mattress, remembering how he’s always appreciated the view from that angle. “Do you still like it this way, Joon-ah?” you ask as you push your hips back toward him a little, leaning into the familiar to calm any lingering nerves.

And instead of answering, Namjoon slides his hands up your back and down your arms, pulling you up at the elbows and pressing your back into his chest. “Yes,” he replies. “But not this time. I want to see you, I want to know I’m taking care of you. I want to remember.” 

He starts kissing you then, lips on your neck, across your shoulders, hands wrapped around you—one teasing at your nipples, one firm around your waist. You do feel taken care of, and it’s nice, you decide, to be with him again. This part hasn’t changed. You meant what you said—he’s really good at this.

Eventually, you move to the bed, and you become a little more brave, letting yourself explore his body. As you lay facing each other, you run your fingers along the ridges of the muscles in his abdomen, stroke his cheekbones, let one arm snake around his ribs and then fall to his ass. He really is firm all over, and you find yourself more attracted to that than you’d anticipated. You murmur appreciations into his skin, telling him he’s worked hard, that he looks incredible, that you want to take your time and appreciate everything he’s tried to build. 

Namjoon watches you as you test the waters, carefully mapping the ridges and planes until you take his length in your palm and start stroking him. The first time he breaks eye contact with you is when you bring your other hand down and palm his balls, softly squeezing as his eyes roll back in his head and he lets out a long, low moan. 

Maybe things aren’t so different than you remember, after all. 

You touch and kiss and whisper until you know he’s been hard long enough and you’ve been stalling long enough, and his hand makes lazy circles over your clit, no problem getting you wet again. Namjoon rolls the condom on and pulls your leg up over his hip. He’s careful in a manner that’s completely him (but you’re no longer used to from your recent hookups) as he slowly pushes into you. And you’ve been in a lot of… positions in the last few years, but nothing quite this intimate: chests pressed together, arms wrapped around each other, noses touching, and Namjoon so deep inside you, moving so, so slowly. You’re almost not moving at all, and you had no idea something like that could feel so fucking good. 

It’s slow and sweet, and he kisses and caresses you, and you realize that this is was what people are talking about when they talk about the difference between making love and fucking. 

Namjoon is quiet, quieter than you remember, but the look on his face is reverent, like he can’t believe you’re letting him do this, like he can’t believe you’re real. And you know how he feels, and you want to reassure him and whisper how much you care about him and how you think you could still love him, but it’s all too much for the moment. So, instead, you just let out soft moans of approval when he rolls his hips in just the right way and otherwise try to focus on him and the way he’s making you feel, cock buried in you, better than anything has been since the night before he left all those years ago.

Your second peak comes steadily and seems to last a while as Namjoon whispers how beautiful you look and how lucky he is. The praise has you clenching around him and pulling his climax out of him, too. 

You stay intertwined as your breathing slows, kissing and smiling with pink cheeks and tired limbs. When you’re sure you can move, you slowly push back from him and roll off the side of the bed, grabbing his undershirt. “You mind?” you ask, holding it up. “I thought I’d grab water and if there’s anything else you want…” 

“Sounds great,” Namjoon replies, a sleepy smile on his face, obvious in his preening over you wearing his clothes again. 

You try not to let yourself think too much about what just happened as you retrieve your water glasses and fill them up again. You find your phone on the counter, next to Namjoon’s, and you shoot a quick text to Tae telling him you brought someone home and you don’t know if they’ll still be there in the morning. You don’t want your roommate to be surprised by a visitor. But you know if Namjoon’s still there when he gets home, Tae will definitely be surprised. 

When you pad back to your bedroom and click the door shut behind you, you realize Namjoon’s already fallen asleep, snoring softly. He looks ridiculous on top of your sheet with the duvet kicked down to the end of the bed, his big cock soft against his big thigh and his hair sticking up in fifty different directions all over your pillow. His lips have fallen open to let his stupid snores out, and you have never been more endeared to anyone in your life. 

Like a thunderbolt, it comes suddenly, the realization that you think you probably never stopped loving this man. 

You set the water down on your nightstand and crawl into bed next to him, careful not to wake him up, even though unless something’s changed, you know he’s a fairly deep sleeper. You pull the duvet up over both of you and settle into your pillow, thoughts of unresolved and maybe unrequited feelings still clouding your mind. 

He wakes up enough to roll over and sling an arm around you, possessive in a way you like. You miss being his, you miss the quiet way he loved you before. All folded up love notes and kind gestures and small gifts for no reason. You almost let yourself tear up thinking about how big your love for him used to feel—maybe still does. 

You’re fully spiraling, deciding this was probably a massive mistake, when Namjoon strokes his thumb over your stomach and nuzzles into the back of your neck. 

“Baby? You awake?” he mumbles, half-asleep. 

And fuck, you’ve missed the casual endearment from him. “Yeah.” 

“Do you want me to go?” he asks. 

And you know three years ago, if you would have said it, it wouldn’t have mattered. That’s the real truth of it. Because if you’d asked him to stay then, he wouldn’t have, and he would have been making the right choice to leave, anyway. So letting him go without putting up a fight was easier on both of you. It was the right decision then to not ask him to stay. 

But now? Now, after tonight, you know things aren’t the same as back then. Some of them, yes. But not the ones that matter, not the ones you’re thinking about when you reply. 

“No, Joon-ah… I want you to stay this time.”

You feel him smile against your shoulder and pull you tighter into him. Neither of you says anything more, and it’s only a few minutes before he starts his snuffling snores into your hair again. It feels nice, you think as you finally start to drift off. It feels like home.  

#bts imagines #bts fic #bts fanfic #btswritingcafe #namjoon fic #namjoon smut #namjoon x reader #namjoon imagine #bts smut #namjoon #namjoon x you

[wachtelspinat]

Hey ! I’ve been seeing your art going around since your midnight crew stuff and I just recently stubble across your tumblr, thank to your beautiful overwatch art for our beloveds junkers ! I’ve been scrolling through your account and read about your experience of being a former graphic designer who is a doctor now. And damn. I can’t emphasize how much I admire you, especially as someone who is struggling really hard to choose between 2 careers paths ( with one of them being art related ). This is why I was wondering if you would be open to talk about how and why you switched from art to medecine ? Especially because most of the time I feel it happens more the other way around ? ( If it’s too personal just ignore this ask + sorry if you already talked about it before )

hey ! no worries, i don't expect ppl to scroll through my tumblr to find an answer for a question they might have. first of all thanks for your nice words, means a lot <3

i switched from art to medicine because my early 20-something-self was even more anxiety-ridden than my present-self, and being in art school and having to "perform" regularly was a nightmare. i'm talking about a time in which i was so scared of being perceived that i often skipped grocery shopping, just so i could avoid being around people. so like, pitching art related projects to peers and profs was eeh... especially because art is so personal oh my god. i still hate it when someone tries to sneak a peek while i'm drawing, makes me wanna throw my sketchbook and myself off the bridge. anyways so i always felt a 110% inadequate (plus i got a gf during that time who was so good to me and tried to get me out of my funk on multiple occasions (she was and still is an artist and has now a career as a freelancer and i'm rly proud of her) but i couldn't see that because i just compared the two of us all the time and sabotaged any attempt she made for having fun with drawing with her) that i sat down at some point and asked myself if i could do this any longer, and i came to the conclusion that no, it really kills me rn.

what made me go into the health sector? i don't even know anymore, i think it was a mixture of "i loved biology, esp. the human body in school" and "my mum is an icu nurse and talks a lot about hospitals, maybe i should check it out"... it was not a well thought through decision, which is so funny because studying medicine was a hell of a meatgrinder ride (also my anxiety and self hatred? still there, but now i wasn't judged anymore because of my art but instead being called a dumb idiot collectively with all the other students because nobody likes med students) and for some reason i was able to get through that despite it not being my passion at all, but i couldn't stand up for myself in art school. i don't even know if i could work through it nowadays, but the good thing is i don't have to ask myself this question anymore, because being a doctor pays the bills, and ever since i left art school i was able to just draw without consequence. which is nice to a degree, my artistic output is not tied to the means of generating money. on the other hand... idk, in another life with more confidence and less worries, i'd love to be some sort of character designer T_T

so yeah that's basically it. at some times i cherished my career decisions, at other times i regretted them deeply, worst thing is i know it has a lot to do with personality, but the fact that we can't change who we are with a blink of an eye gives me the framework to think that the path i took was ok. as in. things happened for a reason and maybe i'm just not cut out for that kind of work. you have to be aware of the conditions of a job to decide if you are up for it. because being an artist doesn't end with "just draw". i myself had an unrealistic view of the job back then too. and the fact that i could not seperate between personal aspects and "doing a job here" was crucial.

yeah, idk if this is helpful at all. i think the one thing that is super important here is to have a realistic view on the conditions of work you are about to head into, and i know this is mostly very difficult to aquire. because unless you really work in a sector there is often no way to fully grasp the situations you can find yourself in (this applied for me also in the health sector, which made me fall into a depression a year ago, but what do you do after you spent 6 years of studying :') ). doing internships and just trying to get to know a lot of things really helps. and - idk how old you are, but if you're really young: it's ok to switch careers at some point. it's even ok to do so when you are older (trying to end on a positive note here because it feels like i just said a lot of depressing things... like don't get me wrong i like my job, the conditions are just fucked up, and again my personality prevents me from switching again but it's also not that easy in germany, BUT it's a valid thing to do, being versatile is good! just... make sure you don't end up with a job that you absolutely hate because that kills it all)

#LONG #sorry #i'm rambling #being an adult is hard and it never ends being a work in progress

[fivewholeminutes]

so. wembley.

Once I have finally gathered my wits the words did not want to stop coming. This rambling is long; apologies for that. And for the messed up tenses I hate tenses we only have one past tense why is English like this

No photos/videos yet, they are still not properly checked/deleted/edited by me.

It was. Unsurprisingly. One of the best days of my life. But also, I don't remember much from my life, so don't trust me on this one. (Kidding, it totally WAS one of the best days of my life). And uhh... I have a problem with processing events and emotions, so it still feels like I have seen it on a TV screen instead of, you know, actually, physically having been there? Idk how to explain that, I still have to convince my brain that I've been there. I feel detached from it completely. But!! I!! Have!! Been!! There!!

I woke up so early that foxes were still roaming the streets. Didn't talk much with people around me in the queue (hello anxiety), but they were lovely! I signed the blue flag for iii from me & Lia, got the sticker for Projekt Atlantic, received some bracelets, exchanged some bracelets, put some sea creatures tattoos on people (LIA I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU THE WHALE!!!), slept on a pavement, bought merch for myself and others (I've never had anyone to buy concert merch for before, it's such a nice feeling 🥺).

And queueing for so long was so fucking worth it! Third row, baby!! For the first time in the middle!! (Which was my downfall later, but the pre-show me was not aware of that just yet). I couldn't actually hear HEALTH that well, but I really liked their drummer, he was enjoying himself and his joy was contagious. (I've checked them later though and. Last album, my beloved.) During the break, well, you all know what was happening, I have been liveblogging everything (sorry about that <3). The moment someone in the crowd literally screeched when they saw the new masks on instagram was a blessing, I wouldn't have survived seeing them in new masks without a warning. Also, my blind ass would probably realise 3 songs in that they have different masks, I shit you not. Besides, it was super fun having a mental breakdown here on tumblr with y'all <3

When Espera entered the stage, everything else stopped being of any importance to me. I remember my first thought was "oh yeah, sure, the ladies are dressed up and moving like this and you expect me to focus on anything else that is happening on this stage?". And of course, my second thought was "I GOTTA TAKE PICTURES FOR DARYA". Naturally, I was trying to keep up with everything else anyway. I haven't seen ii all too well though and it makes me sad :( Alas. I've had a good vantage point for the ladies. Yeah. Brain went brrrrr every time I was looking at them. Where was I again-

I was still coughing at that time. I got a terrible coughing fit after literally 3 short screams during HEALTH and my idiot ass has left all the lozenges except one in the hotel room an hour before the door opening. I thought I would have to spend the rest of the night not singing along nor screaming and felt utterly heartbroken for a few minutes, but after my Holy Grail Lozenge (and a LOT of water from the venue's crew) my cough has abandoned me for the duration of the whole ritual (thank you, Sleep). Even though, when Sam told us that we have to sing, my only thought was "I CAN'T FUCKING SING EITHER, MATE". But I did. Oh, I so fucking did. I sung my lungs out and did not cough even ONCE.

But you know. I was exhausted, anxious, surrounded by strangers and had more sugar in my veins than red cells at that point, so I wasn't my best self. I really thought the karaoke was for shits and giggles at first. "Oh yeah, it's The Most Popular Song, let's see how it sounds when 10k people sing it without the singer's help!", you know. Thought it was for the recording the announcements warned us about. But then we sung Granite. Ohhhkay. And then The Love You Want - certainly not a song they would leave for an impropmtu singalong. It was then that I (belatedly) realised that yeah, something really was wrong and so my heart broke again. So many preparations! Their biggest gig so far! Even iii managed to be there! And something had to happen!! Specifically!! To Vessel!! Of all people!! That was just not fair. He totally didn't deserve this. But it's just life and its endless fucking bad surprises for everyone, huh.

I didn't have enough time to collect all the broken pieces of my heart from the sticky floor and mend them after this realisation, because after Vessel joined the singing for the last few lines of TLYW, he dropped to his knees in front of us crying and thanking everyone. That sight is now carved into my brain. This is when I realised the 3rd row was a mistake. The psychic damage it gave me is irrevocable. Do you have those moments that you will never forget? A few seconds of an (usually traumatic) experience that will haunt you forever, replaying in your mind like a broken record? It was a bit like this for me. It wasn't traumatic, mind you, but it was definitely something that made a permanent dent in my heart and a home in my brain. And I wouldn't change it anyway.

Another thing that made me think that I will just fall down and never get up was iii & iv's hug. It was. So full of love and reassurence. Idk, you could just feel that emitting from them, okay? I was standing there thinking "yeah sure, just fucking murder me tonight instead, okay. Should've kept staring at Espera only-". Ah yes. The ladies. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Where was I again-

The goosebumps when the whole venue yelled "they won't be missing you" during Nazareth, oh my fucking god. On my previous rituals, in way smaller venues, there's always been a handful of people screaming it. And everyone doing it? Unparalleled feeling. Bordering on the shrimp emotions scale.

The lights were spectacular. I cannot describe how amazing the light show was. I am sending a kiss to each and every light crew member.

Also, Vessel being more emotional during the ritual as a whole. The TLYW moment was the worst for me, but there were many others. (Ascensionism and Bloodsport stabbing me with a rusty knife the most.) I mean, who could've blamed him for the emotions, he would probably be very emotional even without the voice issues. Who wouldn't be!! It was a big night, after all. God, it must have been so difficult for him, I really, really fucking hope the love coming from his bandmates, crew and the crowd was enough to help him focus on the good parts of the evening only. And!! It wasn't even that bad!!! Sure, he lost his voice for a while, but once it was back you could!! Barely!! Hear!! The difference!! I have a whole new level of respect for Vessel because of that. And for staying onstage with us for the songs he couldn't sing. Didn't know I could respect him even more than I already did, but hey. Love being surprised like that. I have seen concerts where the singers were singing way worse live while being completely healthy. Like sure, you could notice he's not using so many uhh, how do you call this in English, vocal ornamentations??? and that his voice is strained, but it was still beautiful. Take care of your voice now though, dude, jfc. Thanks for the sacrifice, much appreciated, but TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL FUCKING FIND YOU- (kidding, kidding. or am i.) I also liked that he was leaving the more screamy moments in songs for us. Aiming the microphone at us, positive we'll have his back. Like yeah, yeah, other bands do that relatively often, but it's not something they usually do, you know.

I can't vouch for everyone in the crowd, but I sure as fuck did not have a SINGLE thought that the show sucks because of his voice issues. Like it didn't even occur to me. Honest to god. I was shocked when I saw on tumblr that people were leaving? Asking for a refund????????????? I was having the time of my life singing those songs. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, probably!! Who can say they karaoked whole 3 songs with the band playing for them live?? Your local karaoke bar could never. (Bonus points, you could hear Espera better bc of that! Yes, I know, you are not supposed to hear backing vocals too loud in general, I'm just saying it was nice hearing them, bc usually I hear them on recordings only.)

Yeah, sure I was disappointed after the show that there was no Euclid, but that's just me, a total whore for Euclid. It's a completely different thing than being a bitch who leaves halfway, because something out of the ordinary has been happening.

Anyways. I would like to wish all the crowdsurfers a very fuck you. Hope you will all step on a lego every day for the rest of your lives <3

Crowdsurfers and constant giving away of water (which I understand, it was terribly hot there and it was needed) were a bit distracting, I missed some things because of the commotion, the drum solo has been disrupted by me getting a (fortunately very light) kick in the mouth and DRUM SOLO IS SACRED. I HOPE THE CROWDSURFER WHO DECIDED TO GO UP IN THAT MOMENT WILL STEP ON 3 LEGOS DAILY. IT'S LITERALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE RITUAL FOR ME AND THEY HAVE RUINED IT. Thanks to another crowdsurfer, I missed the moment the band was throwing stuff into the crowd and I promised Lia I will catch a pick/drumstick for them!!!!!!! I've had a banner for this occassion and all!!!!! And!!!!! For the whole time things were flying from the scene!!!! I have been under someone's legs and ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Side note: Vessel was throwing away his rings. That's so fucking cool, ahh.

All in all, half of the things that happened there, I've learned from tumblr. The announcements about the recording, people leaving, Vessel being covered in runes (I WAS STANDING RIGHT BEFORE HIM AND DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING. A N Y T H I N G. I HATE BEING A BLIND IDIOT), the Espera ladies laughing at iii for not coming to the photo, hell, even Vessel trying to get his attention. I have NO idea what I've been doing back then, it's a blur again lmao. And. The most important thing: Vessel's "thank you". I didn't catch it back then. I don't hear it on my recording. Tbh I couldn't believe y'all for a long while that it really happened (I'm sorry). But it did and you know what? I'm glad the broken pieces of my heart were left on the arena's floor earlier during the show. I don't want them anymore.

I would also like to thank that one security guy in huge headphones who was our warning that another fucking crowdsurfer was coming our way. I hope the headphones guy's pillow is always cold on both sides, his skin clear, his crops- and so on. Our hero <3

There was also a moment during Atlantic (another important moment disrupted. Smh) where 2 security persons dived into the crowd?? I still have no idea what was happening, bc if someone faints for example, they are always brught to the barricade by the crowd and security picks them up, I've never seen security getting into the crowd before. And because of that, people around me were talking loudly during Atlantic. Kill kill murder kill

Still, Projekt Atlantic was a huge success and I am so proud of the organisers!! They're in the same category of lovely people as the big headphones security guy

Sending a kiss to @murderofcrow for this gif 🖤

To sum up. I will forever be grateful for this band. This music has activated the dormant parts of my mind. I am making art again. I am meeting cool people because of them. I have people to talk about it with who are as excited about it as I am. For the first time in ages I really feel alive again. And life is not good, far from it, to be completely honest with you, they haven't magically fixed all my problems, but I do have something that actually fucking works on me. I know Vessel wouldn't agree, but they are saving people. And you all, lovely ST pocket of tumblr motherfuckers who are reading this, you are saving people too.

And, last but not least!! In hot pink, because I can! Thanks to this ritual I could finally meet @vesselsscarlet and @thevenomousseprent in person!!!!!!!!! I love you guys, you are amazing and I can't wait to see you again 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 You've made me feel so loved that weekend and it's something I haven't felt in a while!!

#it was surprisingly hard to write #took a lot of editing and rewriting whole paragraphs and it's still not a proper description of everything i wanted to say #i don't know how to talk about emotions #and i have. a lot of them since wembley #a word of advice: attend concerts. beg for money for them from your family members sleep in tents during rain #or in hostel rooms filled with random people #go for gigs without a place to sleep and spend 4hrs waiting for your bus home in a local mcdonalds #watching drunk guys split their eyebrows on the stairs there #(not now tho now we're boycotting macdonalds #but there are other places open 24/7) #go to gigs alone #but by god. go to them if you are able to and if your health allows you to go #(and yes it is coming from someone with anxiety. i wouldn't travel or sleep in a tent alone for anything else trust me) #it is always worth it. ALWAYS #sleep token

[seasidesketches]

I loved Fu Shi's Event Story.....(spoilers below btw)

But overall it just felt so short and underwhelming? Idk, for an esper the fandom's been wanting for over a year, I was lowkey expecting more than what we got. But what we have is still good! Embla saving Fu Shi from that one lady working for Ren Xian was really sweet, and them waking up Ikki's father from his coma was a nice detail. Speaking of Ikki, I hope they can get into contact with him soon. (And imo, he owes Fumitsuki an apology. And who knows? They could actually be good friends)

Overall, a good story, but I do have one complaint.......

WHERE IS HE????👇

ALL THE CHARACTERS UP UNTIL NOW HAVE INTEREACTED AND BEEN CONNECTED IN THE STORY, BUT WHERE'S BABYGIRL???😭

Adding him to the end of this event would've given it a neat "to be continued" type of thing that I feel like it's missing. Because after Fumi and Fu Shi hand off the data to Yu Ran, everything kind of just....stopped. It felt very anticlimactic, and a little teaser would've spiced things up.

Also, before anyone says anything: Yes, I'm aware he (and his name) have been leaked on Reddit. I won't say anything here since leak sharing is taboo in this fandom, but I will say this: I'm 100% aware leaks will always be a thing when it comes to games, but please, for the love of everything, SPOILER AND CENSOR THINGS PROPERLY. Not everyone wants a spoiler to everything, and it's gonna be so easy for Lilith Games to get yall banned.

Also, stop making yall's profile pics leaks.....looking at one tumblr user who likes to post their path of experience progress in particular.

I see you. I'm calling you out. Don't be a nuisance.

#dislyte #seaside brain dump #i won't apologize for the callout #I usually don't do that but in this case #it's necessary #they had a su jue pfp before chu yao #reblog to stop leaks

[bropunzeling]

would you ever do second chance future fic matthew/leon... i think that would hurt me a lot... something about not getting what you want and having to wait a little longer

ok the thing is i HAVE been thinking about this exact concept and like, idk if i want to give spoilers ig? but also it's my tumblr and i assume anything i post here has the same kind of lasting power as the cascadian glaciers in the age of climate change so as long as you promise to all forget it in case i get my act together and write it, we're golden.

but like, imagine a world where several years in the future, through cap and trade shenanigans i dare not say explicitly, leon ends up on the same team as matthew, who is his --

it's not exes. they weren't dating, for fuck's sake. but they started hooking up at some point during the bubble season. and not long into the bubble season, it got, well, it wasn't just your normal fuck and run. it was something they didn't talk about, it was something they did, where matthew would shove leon on his knees, or pull his hair, or dig his nails into bruises. and sometimes leon gave as good as he got but half the time he didn't, he just let matthew do whatever the fuck he wanted, which somehow always ended up being what leon wanted. to have someone else decide what they were doing. to have someone else set the parameters and wait for leon to meet them and tell him he was doing so fucking good.

and they could've gone on like that forever, until matthew left.

leon is aware that it wasn't personal, except for how it felt fucking personal.

so now he’s on his brand new team, trying to make nice with barkov and knight and the rest of them and meanwhile here's matthew, trying to be welcoming, which, that's fucking rich, and then matthew stops trying.

so they're teammates. coworkers. sometimes, they end up in the same places after games. sometimes, they're both sitting in the same hotel lobby bar on road trips. everyone is aware that there's something off, barkov even tries to give leon a come to jesus talk about it, but leon is never going to be buddy buddy with matthew and that'll have to fucking do.

until midway through the season a play goes wrong, and matthew snaps at leon, and leon snaps back, and it doesn't end on the bench, there's still that tension simmering when matthew follows him out to player parking, boxes him in by his car, asks what the fuck he's doing, how does he expect them to win when he won't even look matthew in the eye, fucking christ --

leon doesn't mean to kiss matthew. he's pretty sure matthew doesn't mean to kiss him back. he's pretty sure neither of them mean to head to leon's place, that neither of them mean to grapple against the front door, to get off on the living room couch.

for a moment, lying there naked next to each other, it almost feels like nothing has changed at all.

then, matthew says, i need to go.

it's like a river is rushing in leon's head. go, then, he says. it's all you ever seem to do.

[cue: more fighting!!!! long periods of longing and arguing and understanding who you are to each other! a push for the playoffs! eventually a resolution that involves negotiating the undernegotiated kink!!!]

#ask meme #me and maggie have been talking about undernegotiated kink for eons and someones gotta do it!!!!!

[skrrtscree]

Viva Las Vengeance is out so I decided to waste 43 minutes of my life and here's my thoughts.

Note: any song after Local God is my first time listening to it, so all these reactions were written as the song was playing.

Also I'm using the tumblr app so idk how to cut text sorry.

Viva Las Vengeance:

This song has already been shat on to death for good reason

The verse and the chorus don't fit at all with each other

And the slow part near the end is not it😬

Middle of A Breakup:

Just saying this now the lyrics on these songs are VERY on the nose AND unoriginal

'Keep your disco, give me T-Rex' tf is that suppose to mean???

It's meh. Not as painful as the first one for sure.

Don't Let the Light Go Out:

Said it before and I'll say it again: Ed Sheeran knock-off.

Shows that Brendon doesn't need uplifting beats and screehing to make a good song

Well 'good' is subjective but this is one fo the better ones.

Local God:

This song should be in JAIL.

I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT IHATE IT-

Doesn't flow together AT ALL

It's 2022 Brendon why did you make an ENTIRE 3 MINUTE SONG about a guy you haven't talked to in YEARS???

Star Spangled Banger:

the title is a obvious lie, this shit ain't banging at ALL

Why is brendon sing-talking some parts in the verse?? Could he not fit all the lyrics in??

Good to know that the verse and the chorus not fitting together is gonna be a running theme throughout this album

God Killed Rock and Roll:

I swear the beginning of with the piano this sounds like a cheap knockoff of bohemian rhapsody

The musical flow of this song SUCKS so much its kinda funny. It starts with piano with an accompany of a chorus which is the only decent part of the entire song, then the pre-chorus has a quicker beat and the switch feels so abrupt.

I don't like that it sounds like brendon is trying to chase the lyrics in the chorus

Say it Louder:

Ngl the beat actually sounds good???

'For the people in the back(back,back,back) bros trying to create his own echo💀

None of it sounds out of place so far.. his voice does kind of sound a bit werid though its kind of expected of him at this point

OK nvm, it got slow again around the middle

Sugar Soaker:

The come on come ons do not fit the beat of the chorus. They fit the verses just fine though.

He's definitely making the choruses sound 'fulfilling' when it's just the verse but upped an octave. It just comes off as lifeless..

Wtf were those come ons at the end, its like hes creating dramatic tension through audio

Something About Maggie:

HELP NOT THAT HIGH NOTE FOLLOWED BY ALL THE LOW ONES, yeah that made me actually laugh

'Let him GOOO🤩' 'people say people say run away run away😈'

Sorry but the only ones who wrote a good line about slitting wrists were MCR and that was in 2004 🙄

Also Panic hasn't really been 'emo' since Fever (maybe Vices but that's pushing it) so not only is this line just yeesh it doesnt fit at all.😬

So glad Brendon decided to embrace his snake persona with how he's saying his s' at the end of sentences

'oh yeah'😚

Brendon PLEASE stop messing up the track by switching beats halfway through it

a a a a a a a a

Friendship ended with Sarah, now Maggie is my bestie

Sad Clown:

Title is kinda self-aware, ain't it?

Alright Brendon we know you were on Broadway but that doesn't mean you have to force yourself to sing like that on your songs

Only dogs can hear it I stg

Great he got slow AGAIN out of no where, cause that went so well the last time he did it (viva las vengeance)

All By Yourself:

Another self-aware title damn, he's on a kick with these.

He likes mentioning those posters on my wall. Ironically I have two IDKHOW and FØB posters and none of him lol.

Even with a slow song like this, it still feels like he's forcing himself to sing higher than he has to.

He was right about changing everything all by himself though.

This actually sounds pretty nice, I will admit.

Do it To Death:

What else is there left to say? It sounds the exact same as the other songs..

It keeps teasing me thinking he's gonna say something else-OH SCREW OFF NOW THIS 'shut up and go to bed' SHIT AGAIN

I sat through 40 minutes of your mediocre music just to get jumpscared with a viva las vengeance callback END ME

In short: im disappointed but not surprised. This doesn't even feel like Panic anymore. The lyrics are bland and repetitive, Brendons vocals are truely fighting on their last legs and the songs can't commit to a single beat. It's like he had too many ideas and thought he could execute them all but he couldn't. I can't believe this album is actually real, I refuse to listen to this ever again.

If the studio versions of these songs sound so dogshit, I canNOT wait to hear about the tour versions.

Bonus note: the song spotify decided to auto play right after finishing the album was Famous Last Words which idk whether to laugh or cry.

#panic! at the disco #panic! at the brendon #brendon urie #viva las vengeance #middle of a breakup #local god #don't let the light go out #p!atd #panic at the disco #panic at the brendon #sad clown #something about maggie #god killed rock and roll #star spangled banner #say it louder for the people in the back #sugar soaker #all by yourself #do it to death

[randombook4idk]

Turning off reblogs just in case but I wanna a rant a bit about how I can't really enjoy Jaune's ships because of how much smut is there and am just talking about tumblr here.

Before anyone says, I do block what I don't like but it just can get on my nerves how in other ship tags, you'll find something basic as fanart in the first seconds but in like Lancaster tag I can barely find one fanart without scrolling past the 10th Jaune text-post smut blog (not all are smut I'm aware) and probably it's Tumblr being janky, but after blocking few those blogs, the ship tag becomes empty.

And all this "Jaune is such oblivious cute Nice Guy he isn't aware the girls want to fuck him uwu" "the girls are so down for Jaune they're thirsting for him 24/7" vibes I get from those smut posts from one glance, makes it harder to enjoy the ships.

Like I straight up expect to come across mainly smut when I search up any (m/f) ship with Jaune and idk if it's sad that I wasn't much fazed seeing Penny x Jaune fanfic count lessen when I filtered out the smutty tags or discovering Jaune x Ilia, despite Ilia being canon lesbian (c'mon at least make it wlw)

Look, enjoying smut and having smut for your ships isn't the problem, what I don't like is how smut and Jaune worship/adoration from girls seems to be huge part of Jaune's m/f ships (not in a good way), that I literally have to block blogs just so I wouldn't come across smut.

Like, idk I still enjoy Jaune ships, but the smut-centric and this weird characterization for both Jaune and any girl he's put with at the moment and puts me off. And idk if I'm the only who has this specific problem Jaune's ships.

#me being salty #rwby lancaster #jaune x ruby #ruby x jaune #rwby dragonslayer #yang x jaune #jaune x yang

[ivettel]

re: the pjo show zionism/gifsets thing

calling someone a clout chaser for posting gifsets of a show is such an astronomically stupid take

talking about people in the show being zionists is of course good knowledge that should be shared but that post is a pretty bad one lol

i know you only reblogged it and aren't the op but attacking other tumblr users for doing things every tumblr user does is.... ??

i reblogged for the links and obviously i’m not op so idk what you want me to say? yeah, people make gifs that get thousands of notes and reach tens of thousands of eyes and earn them followers. the numbers game feels good, so people make things that are popular, and they make them fast. i’m not gonna sit here as a gifmaker with a sizeable following and pretend that i got here only because i make nice gifs. and quite frankly i think it’s more stupid to deny that a lot of gifsets are done for clout/attention/notes—why do you think so many posts about The Gifmakers Dilemma (i.e., giffing as enjoyment vs giffing for notes) involve that aspect of the dopamine rush from getting attention?

i don’t agree with op’s whole aggro tone, but they’re 20. i made posts like that at 20! you probably did too when it came to things you cared about! and if you’re taking issue with the approach rather than the overall picture—that promoting this one show is antithetical to supporting palestine, and when already there’s little we can do from the other side of the world, we should do what we can—idk, i think you need to reflect on your own defensive reaction.

and sharing/creating gifsets is doing promo for the show. it’s getting people excited about it. if, say, ur like me and you don’t really care about the actors/production team (they’re Kids + rick’s been on my shit list for other things so obvs i don’t check his activity) then you might not know their takes on this genocide and you’ll probably get swept up in the hype without realizing you’re going against the shit you stand for.

you can do what you feel fits your personal moral compass. by no means do i expect people to share my views and act as i do—see the ao3 debacle for example, lol. i reblogged to spread awareness so people could check out the links and make their own conclusions.

personally i think it’s just a tv show at the end of the day, and i’m not gonna keel over if i have to stop engaging with it in a fandom space. imo that’s a pretty reasonable stance? but if it’s more reasonable to defend one’s personal comfort and peace of mind when engaging with this content then i guess i’ll stick with being crazy idk

#genius bar #anon

[estrellami-1]

That is a very cute fic (though all of yours are💜) it’s adorable that you based that off of how you feel I really like the line about not being the first to discover it but getting it to discover it for myself, I’ve been to slam poetry events they are very fun I feel like I read so many beautiful lines in poetry online and they stick with me to the point I think about them often and it kind of puts the author on a pedestal a bit but seeing someone speaking their poetry to you and a crowd of people in person is so vulnerable that it allows you to see them as just a person in a really beautiful way, like yes their work is brilliant but they’re also dealing with things the same way you are and trying their best and filled with emotions it’s a privilege to be able to know them as more than their writing, like it’s a privilege to get to know you like this. I also backpacked around Italy a few years ago and it was the most magical experience, the Acosta valley is so beautiful and I hiked gran paradiso national park which was stunning highly recommend but you’re right the cost of living is already crazy 😅

I write poetry sometimes mostly just as a way to get my feelings out of my head I post them to my tumblr but they don’t do numbers or anything, like probably 8 years ago or so I posted some of them to an old ao3 account but i can’t remember what i had called it for the life of me, I have an idea for a book that I would really like to write one day, it started out as an after Cinderella kind of thing where people expect you to be happy and perfectly fine when you find something good and get out of a bad situation but you’re still going to carry the pain from that bad situation so it was going to be from her perspective and recovering from the trauma she experienced growing up anf learning to live with ptsd but I’ve written bits and pieces of it nothing major but along the way it kind of lost the Cinderella princess aspect of it and just became kind of a combo my story/original character story kind of thing if that makes sense 💜💜💜💜💜

Thank you darling ❤️ I have some poetry on here, I believe… I think it’s the links in the last paragraph on my pinned post. I’ll try and go through them in a moment and make sure 😂

Slam poetry events are SO fun, I love them!!! There’s a book I read in college called “The Poet X” and I HIGHLY recommend it especially if you like spoken word poetry!!! It very very quickly became a favorite of mine, partially just because it’s good (and partially bc it’s a Latina girl lmao) but also partially because I wasn’t aware that type of writing could become a book. I would absolutely LOVE to do something like that one day!

And I know what you mean, about authors and pedestals. I did the same thing too, a few times, with certain authors on here… but then we got to talking and it turns out they’re literally just people?? Which was honestly so fun to find out 😂 there’s a line I wrote for a fic a while ago (Marvel, if you are/were into that) that I think honestly applies perfectly here. “Put those stars in your eyes back in the sky where they belong. I’m not worth all that.” And honestly… it’s true. Putting someone on a pedestal only makes it hurt that much more when they inevitably fall, because we’re all only human and we’re gonna do dumb crap sometimes.

I have… a lot of feelings about that apparently 😂

Can I have your life???? Please???? 😂 Italy sounds SO fun… I was able to go to Hawaii once and that was nice but I don’t even like the beach/ocean! I got stung by a jellyfish!! My favorite memory there was going on a hike!!! 😂 take me to Colorado I swear. My family’s trying to decide where to go on vacation this year (if it actually happens, that is) and my sister LOVES the beach and wants to go, but we’ve gone SO MUCH and my family KNOWS I don’t like the beach and just. Don’t seem to care? Idk. At this point it’s kinda whatever. But I did suggest skiing this winter since we’ve never been 😂

Ooh honestly I’d love to read all of that!!! I LOVE poetry (like honestly it confused the hell out of me how some people just… don’t understand poetry? What??? 😂)(my favorite is Langston Hughes… how about you?) and I would LOVE to read that Cinderella-ish story, that sounds SO interesting!!! And yes lmao I’ve definitely started a story before, added OCs, and it turned into 6 parts (literally, in the case of my Solangelo series “This Love” on ao3 😂)

Two questions this time, if you don’t mind, darling: how old are you? Where do you live?

It’s more than fine if you’re not comfortable sharing either, or if you want to just share a general range; I understand wanting privacy, I’m mostly just trying to ensure you’re above 18, and as for where you live, I’m strictly curious as to the time difference; I’m in Texas, so it’s currently 12:24am. I just know last night (was it last night? 😂) I answered one at like 10 and you were mentioning how tired you were… so either you’re on one of the coasts (I can’t for the life of me figure out which one that would be at the moment 😂) or you’d had an early morning… or you have a decent sleep schedule, unlike me! 😂 my bedtime is routinely around 12-2am, which is why I’m constantly answering these at all hours of the night. 😂 ❤️

#asks #my asks #thank you hope #I love you hope

[switchy-niki]

Master post (please read ty)

Last updated - April 20th, 2023

Disclaimers

Hello !!! This is a SFW role play blog that will include tickling (not all the time) if that’s not your thing then please feel free to ignore/block.

I am not Niki (Nihachu) and I am not trying to impersonate her! As stated before this is a SFW role play blog

I am a minor. This is an SFW account ran by a minor.

I live in the PST time zone so be aware of that! 

I will also do roleplays that don’t include tickling! Be aware I have my own interpretation of niki and I am not caught up on lore! I also struggle with angst so I apologize if it’s not up to your expectations. When roleplaying I usually don’t roleplay off of lore so please tell me before hand if you want to roleplay off of lore /nf

I struggle with tone and interpreting what people are feeling/trying to tell me, so using tone tags is appreciated. I also use them so I know people know what I mean and how I mean it.

Boundaries

I will not do any sort of shipping.

I will not do tickle tools, if your character has wings or a tail then I will allow it. But that’s it. 

It would be much appreciated if you dm’d me about what you want to rp before sending an ask. But you don’t have to. I just like knowing what you expect out of me. (Idk if I phrased that right)

No feet tickling. Absolutely none. I will drop the roleplay if it seems like it’s heading towards that.

Pinning is okay. No bondage, the most I will do is wrists being tied together. That’s it.

I will do OC rps! Just know the interactions might not be what you expect since they aren’t characters that have interacted before! I will try my best, once again if you want the best results dm me! /nf 

Please use underarms instead of armpits, the word makes me uncomfortable. 

Sometimes tumblr says I’m active but I’m actually not, so be aware of that! I will not always answer right away so do not spam me plz and thank u

Lastly, feel free to send me an ask, dm me, anything! /nf

Under the cut is headcanons and extra notes. It’s a bit long and you do not have to read to roleplay with me! 

——Under Construction——

General Headcanons

Niki uses she/her pronouns but does not mind they/them!

She is a very light hearted person, none for her bubbly and sweet personality. But she is known to be a little feral around people she is comfortable with. She’s very clingy but only shows it subtly around people. Example being following someone around, standing close to someone, occasionally holding hands if the person is comfortable with it, hugging people, side hugs. She never lets go first when she’s hugging people. She would be usually be way more clingy but she’s kind of shy to show it. 

She is a very sleepy gal she is almost always tired and always taking naps wether they are 10 minutes to hours long and although it might be because she loves to stay up at night and watch the sunrise in the morning she usually gets good sleep she is just a napper

Appearance

Niki has scars, not a lot, but they are there (and they are a little ticklish but shhhh)

Short choppy pink hair, with two braids on the sides. It’s surprisingly really fluffy.

She is usually wearing light makeup because she likes how it makes her feel pretty. 

Niki has light eye bags, barely noticeable. 

Niki loves cardigans and sweaters, she was one in particular that she loves to wear for all seasons (it’s one that she stole from Wilbur) it’s a nice faded blue with a sun with a smiley face on it. She swears she didn’t steal it. Most of her clothing is faded colors, or whites and beiges. She has one pair of platform shoes, but the rest of her shoes are usually colorful high top converse or boots. She has knitted Shruggies and skirts, usually worn in the winter. 

If it’s more of a formal type of thing, she’ll wear a flowy dress made of soft material. She likes the way it swishes when she spins :] 

she also loves fuzzy gloves with weird colors washed together like those gloves coralline wanted in the movie

#Masterpost #switchy-niki

[nakunakunomi]

Why I am less active ~ again ~

Cw: mental health // selfshipping // spoilers [One Piece]

Might delete this later, but I am having a moment and I honestly do not know where else to post this without coming across as annoying or weird or whatever.

Please DO NOT REBLOG.

So, it's been an emotional week or two, I have been sick because of sleep deprivation on top of it all and I am pretty sure shark week is coming up, so I am being an emotional mess right now. I won't bother y'all with the details, cause frankly, they don't matter. But I can feel my mental health just spiraling down and I have no way to stop it. It'll soon be the summer holiday, and hopefully I will have some time to recuperate.

Anyway, that's not what it is about here. This is about the most recent OP chapter leaks, altho by now it might actually be out (idk, I usually actually don't follow the manga *this* closely). If you're not there and you don't want to be spoiled then please consider this your final warning to stop reading.

So, in the final chapter Ashura and Izo died. Now... I have not been following super closely, and I am not even sure why I checked the spoilers earlier. I know it's fictional characters, trust me, I am 10000% aware. And yet. Izo's death has hit me a little harder than I expected.

For the past 2 years, he's been my main comfort character and I was actively selfshipping with him. Not so much on Tumblr because I am too self-aware and insecure to throw it out in the open like that, but on discord, among friends, and in some little writings that I never shared up here.

Selfshipping has been a great comfort while I figure out what is wrong with me mental health wise. It's been a great tool to figure out what I look for IRL relationships, hell it's been a help figuring out my sexuality, all in a safe online environment, helping me reflect on the real life that's not online. It's been a great comfort whenever I feel insecure, a source of humor to look back onto on bad days, just a very nice coping mechanism for when the depresso hits hard.

It's nothing new that a comfort character dies, it's almost a running meme that 90% of my comfort characters don't make the end of whatever medium they're part of and usually I handle it pretty well. An emotional reaction at the moment I see/read/hear it happen, and maybe some exaggerated online outrage, then some memes and acceptance, 5 stages of grief, but make it funny kinda thing.

But for some reason, this hit super hard? Be it hormones, depression, the fact that my real life is having some struggles at the moment... it just was the figurative drop that made the bucket spill (is that how you say it in English?) and I have been crying some real human tears over non real characters.

I had planned a tiny break while being on weekend with my students and wanted to get back to writing (especially for the summer event and OP bingo) the moment I got home. Instead I kinda got teary eyed and shut my laptop again. My head just fills with Angsty thoughts, and while those are all fun and games whenever I am in a good place, now is not the moment for it. So I am taking a little break again, I am extremely sorry.

I *will* get over it, and will do what any other fanfic writer does in situations like this: ignore canon and move on. But for now it kinda hurts and I feel silly even admitting to it.

Anyway. I just needed to let that out, writing down my feelings is somewhat cathartic and I am running out of tissues, so I had to try something else. I am not even sure if many people will read this because my range has been a little less again lately, but I just had to get it off my chest? Sorry for making you read this entire rambling wall of text if you're still reading. I am not even sure if I am making any sense at all.

Signing off with loads of love, and drink a lot of water, be gentle for yourself, it's what I am doing rn as well. ♡

Love, Hazel

Ps: please don't reblog, invalidate my feelings cause the characters are not real or if you don't like selfshipping. Anything negative said, I'll just block.

#mental health #depression tw #selfshipping #one piece spoilers #rant #personal #rambles #hazel speaks #hazel is feeling emotional #prolly delete later #am sorry

[emeraldvsociety]

Intro Post!(?)

I caved and made a tumblr 😏 Hey y’all 😏 Welcome to my braindump.

Quick intro:

Pronouns: she/her

Name: Em(?)

90% of what I post on here is probably going to resemble shit-posting because I’m going to be honest—I take myself way too seriously on social media and it’s nice to just let my inner thoughts go crazy. I’m going to post on here like it’s my finsta (minus the thirst traps) (Maybe). I will also probably rarely post on here because idk I don’t know how Tumblr works quite yet, and I don’t want to make a fool out of myself.

Okay if you’re going to read any of these dumb notes read THIS ONE: I am VERY passionate about Domestic Violence Awareness because (spoiler alert) I nearly lost my life to domestic violence (the spoiler is that I lived). As such, I am heavily involved in the DVA community. I meet a lot of people with similar and slightly different stories to my own, and I’ve been exposed to and know plenty about abusive dynamics. My point is, I am not comfortable writing/reading certain relationship dynamics because it makes me uncomfy. I’m more sensitive than most to this type of stuff so please respect that I will not write and actively avoid anything involving ANYTHING that might be seen as a slippery slope toward abuse.

Now, I know fiction is fiction and all that jazz so that being said: I don’t hate it if anyone ships something in the grey area. That’s totally fine! Literally, I do not care. Just please do not ask me to WRITE anything involving boss/employee, teacher/student, officer/subordinate, abuser/victim, huge age gaps, etc. I will actively avoid content like this, and I CAN NOT write it (unless there’s clear commentary that it’s BAD). This doesn’t mean that I can’t interact with people do create it either. If you want to know the specifics of my boundaries feel free to ask. If I could do anything in this world, it would be to purge it of the violence I faced. I can’t do that, but I can put out a creative form that emphasizes that love should never hurt. Minors please DNI. A minor does not need to be interacting with a junior in college working on grad school apps fr.

Requests are welcome! Especially for Dad Harwin and Strong Babies ficlets! However, I will say that I only write one longfic per year and that honor goes to Man on the Moon (and its brewing sequel) so just keep that in mind.

I actively avoided getting into fandoms because… listen y’all… I have been a Star Wars super fan since I was three. I wrote my first SW fanfic when I was like seven (I still have it—I honestly might post it because it’s adorable). My point is though, I KNOW how toxic the SW fandom is, so please do not bring that around me. It just sucks the joy out of me. So if I seem hesitant to engage in the community that is why.

HOWEVER, if you are Team Green, you are more than welcome to spew fictional politics on my posts. It’s part of the reason I love the HOTD fandom. It’s so immersive lmfao. But! I am allowed to attack your fictional politics back. I am literally here to spread Team Black Propaganda!

Something I will not tolerate is ANY FORM OF MISOGYNY. As a lover of women, it is my sworn duty, m’kay? Please respect women. This means ANY type of misogyny. This also applies to biphobia or anything I deem as anti-lesbian.

I am bipolar (2) and my hypomanic episodes really drive my writing up. So if you’re ever like “wow how tf did EmeraldTeller86 manage to write 10k worth of nsfw material” it’s likely because of my hypomania. Anyway! I am medicated and managed so please do not worry. The only side effect of my (hypo)mania is overly wordy pieces. It’s my outlet ig.

I haven’t been writing NSFW pieces for that long so if you’re like “wow this is cringe” y’know I probably somewhat agree. But I’m allowed to be cringe as long as it’s not on the main. Just let me have fun, dammit! I have to be the standard of beauty on the main and live up to impossible expectations so let me be cringe here!

I am a trust fund baby. And while I say that in a “haha you can make fun of me for being a spoiled brat” way, I also want to acknowledge my privilege and just let y’all know that if I do ever say something insensitive let me know! I am a person (despite layers of internet screens and manic tendencies) with empathy. I never want my existence or anything I put into existence to cause harm.

The Slayyter Remix of “Gimme More” describes my life pretty well tbh.

I am mostly in CST, but I'm occasionally in CEST / GMT + 1, and rarely in HKT / UTC + 8.

I’m in my prescribed flop era rn. In active recovery tho. Kind of.

I AM STILL NOT OVER MY CRISTON COLE CRACK FIC BLOWING UP ON TIKTOK LMFAO. Top Ten Funniest Moments of my life.

I love to read! So if you want to send me anything please feel free!

If you know my real name please don’t reveal it 🥴 I don’t want Society to win!

I’m thinking about posting weekly updates (just of life ig? Song of the week, book I’m currently reading, how my writing is going, etc).

Once again, I do not know how Tumblr works so please be patient as I learn the etiquette around these parts.

I'll pin this later if need be. Ig

[topconfessions]

You are so real for saying the thing about the main reason TOP was chosen for the dearmoon crew. Im not throwing shade. It is was it is. The man doesnt get enough credit for his networking skill. Dare I say he is naturally better at the game than most people would think. Everything about his personality just magically aligns to create this image of warm-on-the-inside cool guy which is already appealing to most people, which I believe he really is but to a much more exaggerated degree in the case of stage image. The thing is, people expect him to be this wild card so even its just him loosen up a bit its already a game changer. He effortlessly charms everyone that way. I think he definitely awares of this power and knows how to use it well. And thats just the tip of the iceberg. Unlike SR, TOP is lucky his main interest is arts. Artist circle has always been full of elites and old money. These guys know how to keep their things behind the curtain. And idk if most fans are aware it, unlike what TOPs trying to do give off that aloof vibe, he care a great deal of what others thing of him. With dearmoon, he definitely has good intentions but it seems lacking self-awareness the way he put it as “for greater cause”, especially when we also have a space-dedicated youtuber on the same crew. Tbh the way I see it, dearmoon is a space business trip lol. TOP just happen to tick all the boxes they have in terms of needing someone with big social influence.

Thank you so much! yes, I had to keep it a 100 and call it for what it is. If top never knew that billionaire or made a close friendship he would never ever be a part of something like this cause technically if we're following merits it should be GD instead of him but TOP is more cultured, wordly and sopthsticated than everyone else in BB by default cause he expanded his interests in mature and lucrative things that he knew would keep him paid for life and elevated. His networking through the art and high art industry paid dividends for him and I'm a little upset for GD not reaching that level himself....He really doesn't get enough credit but at the same time, TOP is seen as so cool and smart that nobody feels the need to credit or praise him cause it's innate and he got it like that LOL.

Yes, exactly. You get what I am saying, TOP picked a lucrative and highly esteemed hobby that has done more for him than he has done for it, but top gives the illusion he has done a lot for the industry. Seungri got wrapped up in the maknae curse of not outgrowing his idol and agency duties of picking activites and business ventures where you yourself have to work overtime to exert physical involvement and be the hype for your product. Seungri played checkers and TOP Played chess, you don't see top involving himself in activities and deals that require him being in public pandering, putting in a lot of work and literal socializing to make his projects a hit like the aori ramen (I may have gotten the name wrong) or burning sun. Burning sun was the worse investment SR ever made and he had to over involve himself in it and overexert himself meanwhile TOP, I mean this nicely, picks hobbies he can be physically lazy in that he already has great interest in that is easy to finnesse if you know what you're doing. what top does despite his immense passion for it, is no different than what a typical tumblr user who loves art just as much as him does. He just incorporates it into his personal and professional life with consistency and the aura of being a master at what he knows.

Also, yes, top knows what he's doing. TOP has excessive spending habits and loves a lavish lifestyle now. He knew and knows he needs an interest / side career that can keep that lucrative income in his pocket. Art is old money and new money combined, the most powerful people in the world are invested in art or have some inclination to it. Seungri took a carrie bradshaw ignorant route and involved himself with ventures that don't pay at all and don't keep your money long, sigh. Good for top though. honestly, if I ever dated an older man or someone of means, I would rush straight to the art scene and snag a man LOL. Sothebys auction house baby, here I come. I'm still waiting for him to do more work with Sothebys but it seems on a stand still and a one time thing back then. TOP needs to get his wine into another business that sells all sorts of wine and not just be a self seller of it, he's too big for that. Also, although it's criminal, you can launder and store money through expensive paintings so we never know if top is the tax evading type to do that.

another thing: I think top avoids relationships at least that serious and mature like the plague cause he knows he wouldn't have the freedom and room to be fully focused on the art world and his wine if he was with someone. this sounds mean but dating is like being a parent to an adult you are having sexual / romantic relations with. I know thats a weird analogy but it is. Especially with top dating the younger girls. it's a responsibility and you can't really rise in the art world with a hanger on unless it's a woman who has her own wealth and interests or is from the same industry.

Basically. He fit what they were looking for and he had great influence but wasn't TOO overhyped or like craze worthy i.e a bts guy that would have distracted from the mission itself. The billionaire chose well in picking top. Yeah, this is honestly just a pleasure cruise and space business trip for experimenting. It's not for any charitable cause or specfic Nasa research, you know how top is, he has to verbally elevate things to make it grander than what it is LOL.

goodluck to top and I hope he has fun this will breathe new life into him for sure. He will accomplish something many humans never have. This is what he needed to rehab and repair his image. Once he does this space mission he will no doubt have the weed scandal 100% behind him especially if he can capitalize off of it more. I hope he continues working on that album too.

#dearmoon #choi seung hyun #choi seung hyun tttop #t.o.p #t.o.p bigbang #bigbang #kpop #korean pop #dear moon crew #space x #elon musk

[smilesobrien]

WHAT idk if this is up to date but i saw comm prices you posted in the summer and are those prices real?? it says a piece like the one in charlie's pinned (b'elanna's three weed smoking girlfriends) would cost 40$?? possibly even australian dollars which would bring it to only 24€????? what!?!?! you are severely underpriced, i would've guesstimated that piece to be like 80€ or 100usd (which i'm aware is more but i usually expect slightly higher rates from usians since they have a higher cost of living esp if they have health problems which so many on tumblr do) and you're telling me it's twenty four euros??? if i were not literally struggling to buy groceries without accruing further debt rn, i would pounce holy shit

so first and foremost, THANK YOU for saying nice things about my work!! i really hope ur financial situation improves soon too, i know how much of a struggle it is

and also... it took me so long to answer bcuz i was overthinking it. as per usual. feel free to skip the below though lol

so i really wish i could say something about how i really considered the Artistic Worth(tm) of my work when pricing it, but, well... my main actual consideration was, how low could I go without making it just a total waste of my time? fact is, the two main factors in pricing for me are:

1- i work full time, so any artistic work cuts into my free time... which i'm kind of reluctant to give up... haha!!

2- we are on tumblr. this is the only website where i really have an audience, and it's the donation post website. (to be clear, no hate to donation posts- emergency comms are just donation posts for people who can't accept money without offering something in return even if they would be better off not doing that).

so factor 1 pulls the price up, because i can't be dragged away from my precious sitting around doing nothing time without a financial incentive, and factor 2 pulls it down, because receiving small amounts of money is still better than receiving no money at all, especially in times of financial distress.

on the subject of financial distress, though, i will admit i'm thinking of opening them again- dental work and car work aren't free SADLY, and there's a lot of that going on in my life right now. the only reason i haven't already is that it hasn't hit the point where i need money that i don't have RIGHT NOW, which was the case the time my old job screwed me right before rent was due and the time i turned out to owe the government taxes. is what it is!

final note- another factor, which is secondary to the other two but still influences my decisions somewhat- i'm fast. this is an adhd cliche, i know, but my 1-4 week turnaround time consists mostly of... trying to get myself to work! since you mentioned charlie's pinned, i might as well be real with you and say that was probably only about 2-3ish hours of actually working. i've streamlined my process down a lot over the years, because if i don't get things finished in one sitting it's very, VERY hard for me to finish them at all... so speed is key. At a rate like that, you're looking at between $13-$20/hr, which is a decent enough tradeoff that i feel it's worth it.

#again i really appreciate the kind words #the arts are criminally undervalued in society at large so its always nice to hear someone appreciate it...! #answer tag

[mwagneto]

yknow what, people shit on tumblr for stuff like putting hellsite (affectionate) in the app description bc Silence Brand and i agree but at the same time like....... these mfers are really out here using this site and reading posts like the entire rest of the userbase. they cant make a working site to save their lives but they ARE using it and most importantly still have absolutely no way to monetise it. like if facebook or twitter or whatever had memes like tumblr does which the site owners then attempted to use THAT would suck ass coz they're literally soulless corporations but tumblr is run by 4 raccoons in a basement who are actively losing money every time a user even thinks about their site and they are just as trapped as we are

#idk it's just nice that tumblr is like‚ aware of what the expectations are #it's my only social media and im so glad. like it rly is the best one let's be real #ah yes the alternatives ummmmm middle aged people conspiracy theory hell or #argument upon argument where important politicians and other famous people can #just randomly join out of nowhere to yell at you or uhhh video site where #people put their real life humans faces next to their godawful braindead takes #or site created specifically to make you feel bad about every aspect of yourself #and all of these work based on an algorithm that tracks and steals your data #tumblr just asks you. #barking #hellsite #tumblr #instagram #facebook

[bitimdrake]

Bruce is, in canon, an abusive parent. I am not going to equivocate on that. It’s not some wild characterization thrown in one every million comics; it’s a consistent pattern. He periodically hits his kids. He far more regularly emotionally abuses them. He makes them responsible for managing his emotional state. He neglects them. He puts expectations and responsibilities on them that are wildly unfair to put on your child. (I'm in no way including the 'sidekicks are child soldiers' base argument here, because I am totally willing to accept kid sidekicks in general; I’m talking more about his interpersonal expectations, and his prioritizing of the kids as Soldiers For The Mission instead of as, you know, his kids. Other heroes with kid sidekicks manage to handle it perfectly fine.) Is he also sometimes nice and kind and caring to his kids? Absolutely. There are sweet moments. But if we're talking about a character who is kind and loving and good to his kids sometimes, and abusive to them at other times....what we're talking about is an abuser. That’s the description of an abusive parent. The comic book character of Bruce Wayne is abusive to his children, in canon, in main continuity, regularly. There is no single writer responsible for it. (No, Bruce was abusive long before Tom King.) There is not even a single era responsible for it. (No, Bruce was abusive long before the new 52.) It's been there for a long time. That’s point one.

It fucking sucks that Bruce is an abusive parent!! For a lot of people this sucks for the personal reason of not wanting a character they like to be abusive--maybe having gotten attached to a version of the character that is a much better parent before getting into comics. (I hear that the animated shows tend to have good dad Bruce, though I can't personally confirm that.) But discounting personal opinions, I think on principle it sucks for two reasons: 2a. Batman is DC's flagship character. He has four bazillion comics about him. He is arguably the most famous superhero in the world. And it really sucks that DC's most famous hero is an abuser! This dude is 100% supposed to be a hero on the side of good, however dark and gritty he may act, and it fuckin' sucks to have him be such a terrible parent at the same time. 2b. Most important to me, his abuse! is never! fucking! addressed! Sometimes Bruce is written abusing his kids with an awareness his actions are bad, but never with a real examination of how bad--and often glossing over that the people he's mistreating are his children. And sometimes it's just not acknowledged as bad at all! Batman writers vary between portraying him as abusive with zero awareness that's what they're doing (and often absolutely awful excuses like "well that's just how he communicates") and portraying him as a genuinely good dad while explicitly ignoring the previous abuse he has committed. But no comic ever actually...calls him out as abusive.

On the fan side, no one I know or have seen in this side of fandom is happy he's an abuser. Obviously out in the big, wide world, you have plenty of people who think those claims are exaggerated and Batman sometimes hitting his kids is...uh, idk, unimportant I guess? (see: dc comics official writers.) And probably there are a few outliers who think he is more cool for it. But by and large, in this tumblr/twitter, fan-content-creating, analysis-posting area of fandom, everyone hates that Batman is canonically abusive.

And as a result of all of that, you pretty much end up fractured into two groups here.

There are the people who simply refuse to acknowledge or deal with Bruce as an abuser. Comics with his more obviously heinous actions are ignored. Comics with more subtle abuse have the abuse blatantly glossed over for the sweet moments. Issues where he is a good parent are touted. This group makes headcanons and fic and art and discussion that simply rewrites Bruce's abuse until it doesn't exist, and treats him as if he is and always has been a good parent. Bruce being abusive is Bad, Bruce being a good parents is Good, and canon is optional.

And then there are the people who are all about acknowledging that Bruce is an abuser. Bruce being a canonical abuser is still bad, but Bruce being a canonical abuser and it never being addressed is far worse. So this group REFUSES to forget all those issues where Bruce hits his kids, and is far more interested in examining his emotional abuse than glossing over it. And this group makes headcanons and fic and art and discussion as well, but now versions that specifically call out Bruce's abusive behavior. Sometimes that's to force him to change, and sometimes it's to get his kids to a better place, and sometimes it's to deliver him karmatic punishment--and sometimes it doesn't change things at all, but just finds the catharsis in acknowledging them.

And both of these things are mostly fine, and valid ways for transformative fandom to deal with something shitty in canon. And when it comes to fanworks, both of these motivations lead to stories that I personally can enjoy a great deal.

BUT.

I say mostly fine, because pulling seemingly sweet moments from canon out of their toxic context and holding them up as great parenting just makes it sound like you didn’t recognize or care about the surrounding abuse. And insisting that Bruce actually totally is a good parent most of the time does the same.

Good Dad Bruce is a headcanon that’s directly opposed to canon. And you can absolutely stick with it anyway, because that’s what transformative fandom does! But arguing that canon Bruce isn't or couldn't be abusive makes you sound, at best, like you have not read a lot of comics (which is hardly a sin, but you probably shouldn’t be pretending you have an informed opinion on them), but at worst like you are actively dismissing abuse. And arguing that the people who do want to address that abuse are themselves somehow awful, mean, abuse-lovers just...makes you an asshole.

That’s it; that’s the post.

(@thatblondeperson​ you asked about this post like a week ago in replies after I briefly mentioned it, and I’ve finally remembered to pull it out, so giving a tag)

#i've had this in my drafts so long i can't even remember what specific annoyance triggered it #but it remains true #(additional thesis: the format of long form comics has accidentally made bruce a shockingly realistic abuser too.) #(but that could be it's own entire essay) #dc #* #*dc #dc meta #bruce wayne #batman #batfam #batman's c+ parenting #YES the silliness of that tag is tonally at odds here lmao #10to2