#idk its been pretty fun thinking about this stuff even if there is obviously a lot of heavy topics like war crimes and brutality

[betawooper]

anyways shinbyeong, at least thats the title im going with unless i come up with something more cool

the setting is korea in the early 1930s (so during the japanese occupation of the peninsula), where theres a single mother and her 18 year old child who refuses to get married are trying their best to get by

but then a fateful encounter with a mysterious shaman occurs causing both the mother and the child to be possessed/linked to a nature spirit, now they have to find that mysterious shaman and break their connections to the spirit with the help of other shamans in similar predicaments, all while avoiding being captured by the government, as you do

#wish i had names for the mom and her kid but since theyre both korean and japanese #during a time when the government mandated that korean people couldnt have japanese names makes this a bit difficult #but yeah the magic system is essentially like irl korean shamanism but with my own spin on it #shinbyeong is an actual phenomenon irl people can experience where they get sick or weak with no explainable reason why #and shamans have noted that this predicts who has been chosen to be a shaman by the spirits or gods #but im pretty sure irl shamans cant manipulate the elements lol #this story is meant to be about self acceptance and reconnecting with your culture when youve been denied it due to external factors #felt placing this in the 1930s when japan was really controlling of korean culture was a really good fit #focusing on shamanism was also deliberate since it is an indigenous religion to koreans thats been constantly been pushed away #in favor of buddhism or shintoism or whatever #and the fact that the rapid westernization of korea began around this point also serves to show that disconnect from tradition #idk its been pretty fun thinking about this stuff even if there is obviously a lot of heavy topics like war crimes and brutality #some of which will be covered in shinbyeong #now i do plan on working on this on and off since i do have the kny rewrite to complete #but its on my to do list :) #shinbyeong

[inamagicalhallucination]

atsushi akutagawa lucy and junichiro road trip thing that i sometimes think about

okay

atsushi and junichiro are talking about how much theyd wanna go on a vacation, ya know things have been happening and its getting tired

anyway they're talking as they head to the cafe where lucy is and lucy's like "ive always wanted to go on a road trip" and atsushi and junichiro are like thats genius

anyway so they rent a car and pack their bags and atsushi wants to invite someone else but he doesn't wanna make things awkward for junichiro and lucy, who dont know that person that well

but obviously his besties would know him well so they plan for a fourth person anyway and end up contacting somehow gin to ask where her brother would like to visit (to add on to their map) and if she could invite him for them and gin's like my brothers not gonna do that so ill just send u a bag with his stuff and ask chuuya to request some time off on his behalf

and on the day theyre leaving, junichiro and lucy tell atsushi that akutagawa is gonna join them too and atsushi is ecstatic

"you really asked him??"

"well... no"

akutagawa, wandering around, wondering why his stuff is missing, gin is laughing at him, and chuuya requested time off for him and a car pulls up next to him and junichiro lucy and atsushi are like "get in loser we're going on a road trip"

and when he's like "what? no." they just kidnap him anyway

the first person who drives is junichiro - someone honks at him and yells at him in road rage and he bursts into tears

the second person who drives is akutagawa, it's only atsushi's holding on to him that stops him from murdering the person who cut in front of him

the third person is atsushi

atsushi doesn't cry or get angry becuz he's been taught by kunikida and dazai

atsushi however is taught by kunikida and dazai and he is a combination of their driving skills so in short terms: he's horrible

he drives so fast akutagawa uses rashomon to keep himself, junichiro and lucy in the car

when he parks junichiro has to bolt out to throw up

lucy isn't even moving thats how horrific his driving is

anyway

lucy on the other hand is a really good driver but she's not used to driving on the left side

anyway

horrific driving from all four aside

whoever's upfront chooses the music and they all change their seats frequentally

akutagawa listens to classical music becuz idk goth vampire

junichiro listens to top 40s becuz its an easy choice

lucy listens to american music becuz she's american idk

atsushi listens to a horrific combination of all that and also whatever anyone in the agency has sent him

they switch seats pretty often so everyone gets a chance to sit with everyone

junichiro and atsushi on the front is filled with them happily exchanging stories meanwhile akutagawa and lucy in the back talk shit about atsushi being oblivious

akutagawa and lucy in the front is them yelling and cursing the other drivers junichiro and atsushi in the back is quietly looking out the window, relaxing

junichiro and akutagawa in the front is talking about what songs they wanna listen to and other such conversation and lucy and atsushi in the back is happily talking about how theyd never have gotten to this before -> trauma dumping

junichiro and akutagawa in the back is awkward silence and lucy and atsushi in the front is screaming songs at the top of their lungs

akutagawa and atsushi together front or back make lucy and junichiro feel like the third wheels

//

anytime akutagawa gets sulky they scream songs on the top of their lungs into his ear to annoy him

anyway its all of them having fun being silly and teasing each other

#atsushi nakajima #bungou stray dogs atsushi #bsd atsushi #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #shin soukoku #sskk #lucy maud montgomery #tanizaki junichirou #bsd junichiro #junichiro tanizaki #akutagawa x atsushi #akutagawa ryuunosuke #bsd akutagawa #bungo stray dogs akutagawa #bsd #atsushi nakajima bsd #bsd atsushi nakajima #nakajima atsushi

[crushedsweets]

What about some lulu headcannons since you seem to like her? :)

oh anon u are spoiling me.... heres a little sketch of her college life. let me begin . . tw for general creepypasta things, abuse, bullying, death, etc

ok. so a lot lulus og stuff is gross obviously (although a majority of the og creepypastas have gross origins/creators). as a kid, i was pretty attached to her, but looking back , its just. ugghhghgh. which is why i want to try giving her her own horror type story while still following some of the core things that made her her. BEGONE WITH MIDDLE/HIGH SCHOOL KILLERS...

lulu is 24 but described as 'physically 14' which bugs me esp bc theres so much emphasis on her body being like an adult. and frankly i am not crazy about yet another 'little kid bullied/abused then goes crazy/demonic' story so i scrapped the bullshit ‘is 24 but looks 14 but is drawn like she’s 24!’. So I decided to just to make make her whole zalgo poisoning occur later in life. since its now set in university, a handful of things changed. mayhaps she knows jack ?

she grew up as a rich girl being put through several private schools growing up. she wasnt the smartest, she wasnt the most social, and while i think that the og story did this really fucking poorly, she did deal with harassment cuz she developed early. ranged from people calling her a slut for the same clothes as a thinner girl, to getting dress coded for no good reason, to rumors, etc. so, she's being bullied by her peers, though its moreso a ton of gossip rather than stuff in her og. overall school sucked for her

finally she goes to university. shes away from all those people, away from her helicopter parents, away from dress codes and loneliness. she tries SO hard to keep up the perfect daughter persona in public bc she knows shes walking on thin ice(having been punished for things out of her control all her life), with a wardrobe full of pencil skirts and button ups, but then she finally meets this guy named josh. but that shit gets seriously exhausting. and as many kids in her position do, she wants to Rebel .. she starts going to parties and whatnot w her edgy ass roommate. random garage shows, raves, generally reckless behavior etc. its not her fully her thing but she's there and having fun.

idk his name in the og story but there was that guy that led her on just to further abuse her. i changed him up and made him some guy in a frat that she met at a rando party. he was so sweet to her the first time they met, they talked for a long time at the party, he was cool overall and she never ever craved attention like this before - she never even GOT attention like this before, coming from an all girls school, so she clung. but he wasnt actually gonna date her, so he said some bullshit excuse about 'you know how greek life is, my frat wont let me date u unless u join this specific sorority!! soz' and he chose the worst, most clique-y sorority that has the most insane hazing ritual for girls that arent sought after. he thought there was no way she'd give it a shot and he could get her off his back. a dick move, but he didnt think she'd do it.

but, she does - and the hazing is fucking shit. the girls in the sorority are worse than the girls in highschool (and maybe in cliché fashion, one of her highschool bullies ended up in the sorority before her?). it starts off as things like 'oh you gotta buy your sorority sisters coffee for a week' to 'oh you have to be drunk/high throughout all your classes for a week' to completely deranged shit like branding yourself or slashing a professors tires. things nobody in their right mind would do, typically.

i havent decided exactly how exactly lulu hits the point where they think she's dead, but a group of sorority girls think she is. they panic, and in their panic cannot feel her pulse or hear breathing. she's completely unconscious, cold, and frankly on the way to death - so they take her to slenders forest and get to work

they bury her in a shallow grave, unaware of all the different demons residing in the forest watching one of the most gruesome displays of humanity. if youve watched girl from nowhere, theres a scene where nano gets buried alive by a group of her classmates then she wakes up . . imagine that.

im thinking, similar to the operator, zalgo can infect people as well . . maybe people on their death beds ? anyway, lulu's infected. long after the girls run off, lulu manages to dig herself out of the grave. shes wheezing, coughing, sobbing, its dark and cold and foggy, and she now has to come face to face with zalgo making some weird 'i saved you, i want something in return.' and there goes her eyes !!! rip lulu. maybe zalgo did it cuz hes a dick, maybe he actually needs human parts to seal the deal.

theres some more interaction but overall lulu doesnt have a ton of demon powers or anything. new wounds heal quickly, but her past ones will never will. she can be eerily quiet, popping in and out with fog, doesn't need food/water/sleep. . she does have kinda crazy strength(no agility or speed), but she's so mentally weak it does nothing for her

for a while she does just wander the forest in complete and utter mourning, until one of the proxies finds her and is like Oh Fuck that's not human. toby describes her as a zombie. so she's another job for them to handle

eventually they settle her in the hospital with ann.. the hospital is likely an area that experiences more fog, being closer to the lake perhaps, so it just makes sense to put her in an area she can see. it took a while for lulu to calm down bc she now has a pretty big fear around women , and the proxies have to CONSTANTLY come around and check in for a while, cuz she feels safer with them. maybe they tried putting her with jack but jack said absolutely the fuck not. bc lulus legitmately scary. she's constantly croaking, crying, wheezing, dripping blood everywhere she goes, etc.

she eventually gets along with ann, who thinks lulus cute and fun to chat with. i made a joke about them doing tiktok dances together but like. i could see it. maybe ann reminds lulu of her roommate, the only girl whos been completely nice to her ? dunno. (despite the roomie being the reason lulu got into the partying and stuff)

mmmmmm yeah. that is basically the entire rewrite .

i likely wont include her too much in the story just because the rewrite is so drastic+shes not all too popular but i used to feel very fondly towards her when i was 10 and i do think her character cconcept is super cool (the fog, the eye stuff, zalgo poisoning etc). theres just hella weird stuff but its a creepypasta from 2013 idk what we expect

#hcs #creeped #asks #lulu creepypasta #lulu #sweetart #creepypasta #creepypasta headcanon

[sibylsleaves]

i really liked your take on the buddie apology and it not being shown on screen.

ive also been thinking about how even though the basketball game may be upsetting to watch from an audience perspective, its perfectly in character for eddie to not be upset about it. this is a man who once joined an illeagle fight ring and nearly killed a man rather then deal with his emotions asdfgjhk. if ANYONE understands processing your feelings through physical violence, its eddie.

is this a healthy way to handle jealousy? god no. does buck need to do some self work on this? yeah probably. but a Fictional Character in FICTION forgiving someone is not the same as giving a stamp of approval on the behavior in real life.

I mean, I also think there's a world of difference between "knocked someone a little too hard at the pick-up game" and like. if Buck had walked over to Eddie and just shoved him to the ground for no reason.

Sports get rough sometimes, even if it's supposed to be a friendly pick-up game, once the adrenaline starts going and people get competitive, yeah a bad foul like that can happen. Idk if it's just because I watch a lot of basketball (where fouling like that is commonplace) but I honestly didn't think it was this huge deal everyone was making it out to be. Like yeah, they're not playing in the NBA and it's a dick move to get THAT worked up at a pick-up game (and if I was the guy organizing it I might hesitate to invite him back or at least give him a talking to about sportsmanship 😂) but it's the kind of thing that can happen sometimes. And we as the audience obviously know why Buck's worked up and feeling competitive.

I do understand people getting more upset about it once Buck tells Maddie he "doesn't know" if he meant to hurt Eddie, but I think we also have to take into account that Buck is not necessarily a reliable narrator about his own motives. I don't think he ever on ANY level meant to hurt Eddie/cause him pain, but he certainly recognized something had gotten him worked up to the point where he fouled him like that. He registered that he was taking out some of his frustration on Eddie, and in typical Buck fashion he's guilt-spiraling about it and thinking like oh my god did I hurt Eddie ON PURPOSE am I a terrible person do I need to be put down like a rabid dog??? We've seen this from Buck before (ie in s5 when he decides to quit the team because it's "his fault" Chimney left, telling Eddie in s3 that maybe his fight club stuff was because of Buck, etc.)

I honestly was pretty surprised to come to tumblr and see people freaking out in all directions (either saying it was OOC for Buck or that he should like, go grovel on his knees to Eddie for 40 days and 40 nights).

Idk typing this out makes me feel like maybe it IS just people not understanding the sport of basketball--in a lot of sports, shoving someone like that would be totally out of pocket. But if you ever watch an NBA game, you'll see dudes getting slammed in the paint like that all the time and sometimes it won't even get called as a foul. It's certainly bad behavior in a fun little friendly game, but it's not like. Completely outside the bounds of how the sport is played. And does not, in MY opinion, rise to the level of intentional physical violence.

#sibyl answers #rainstorms-by-june

[elisedonut]

thinking about that royalty Flintley au

Where Marcus is like a troll prince and kidnaps Percy because he just sees him and is smitten

ive thought about this on and off for like a year but here are some random thoughts

I think the first time Marcus sees him he is no where near where he's supposed to be like their marching for battle or something and get turned around or something like that and just coming to a river and there he is the most beautiful man he's ever seen (his second in command thinks he's insane btw). On their way back he intentionally finds the stream again and follows it until he sees Percy again.

And once he makes it home immediately talks to his parents about beginning the courting processes

in my head its a similar thing of mistaken courting like a shell for a mate but this time it's Marcus misunderstanding things and thinking hes doing such a good job courting this pretty common boy who may or may not be an elf(it switches back and forth between being a legit elf and just compared to one in my head)

Marcus is leaving him gifts for months before attempting to take him away which in this case is custom in his kingdom

leaving enough food for his family every week or so for months and leaving pretty but practical things where Percy can find them (weapons clothes stuff of that nature) To show that he can provide for him but staying hidden because part of it is showing your a good enough warrior not to get caught. Getting caught leaving gifts means your not good enough.

And Percy keeps accepting these things or at least seeming too from Marcus' perspective because obviously if you can't find the owner of something in the woods well that means it's yours now right?

The first time Marcus leaves food for him though it fails big time though because he starts with already prepared things that make the Weasleys skeptical about it for obvious reasons(of the is that even safe to eat kind of variety) which Marcus then interprets as Percy taking offense to the notion that he cant like hunt for himself and such and so leads to Marcus instead leaving like living animals instead like a full fist net still set up in the water right where Percy typically fishes

anyway

so then after a few months of this Marcus actually nabs him and is a little pissed that his family didn't put up much of a fight because they should have known this was about to happen and just letting Percy go off on his own still is pretty disrespectful to him in his opinion because from Marcus' pov that comes across like they don't care who he marries and like yeah he's the Prince but in theory they don't know that

but they don't know that but they also don't realize that all the weird luck happening recently had been a courting ritual (or maybe they do but guessed wrong on the person being courted??)

So yeah Percy is pissed at being kidnapped but cant just leave because the King and Queen would rather him be dead then let him from there perspective back out of their marriage so he's kinda stuck

and that's all i got

it works out in the end because they just like get to know one another and stuff idk but its a fun concept imo!

#percy weasley #marcus flint #flintley #coming up with weird like societies is very fun imo but courting is especially fun to think about #maybe also omegaverse just for drama sake but specifically Alpha!Percy/Omega!Marcus because its the most fun in this scenario imo #if so though then Marcus being an Omega is a secret and another part why the king and queen refuse to let Percy leave #The Weasleys live in a cabin in the woods near a stream in this c:

[ssssandwich]

maybe one day I’ll add lineart and shading 😔

errmmm idk i made a tim drake design sheet because i was bored? its not my best work, and i’ll probably switch it up the next time i draw him but it was kinda fun!! It’s been a while since i’ve drawn a character sheet, let alone a detailed eye so i’m sorry if anything looks wonky!

rambling abt the design under the cut!!!

Alright!! Sorry if this doesn’t work i’m still not exactly sure how to use tumblr!

I really liked his design with the winged/feathered cape, i thought it was really cool whenever he was in a panel so i put that in there for funsies!! The ending ‘feathers’ have a little bit of a more solid stick or weight, so when held up it stays outstretched like a birds (i sadly couldn’t fit it too well onto the page tho :( )! The feathers would also be somewhat strengths, and provide a little bit of a shield against fire and whatnot, like batman’s cape, which is also why i thought it should be more solid for lifting (obviously still flimsy and stuff though!) EDIT: Also!! The art in the top right corner is supposed to be him holding up the cape but i didn't have enough space to make it really long so now it looks weird :(

I had an idea for the staff, but then i realized i couldn’t do it so it looks a little bit bad, sorry! From what i’ve found, in some comics his staff has a built in taser feature for stunning people, and has a shit ton of internal cable stuffed inside of it to be able to throw at people and grapple, which i thought was really cool!! Originally i thought it could split, but i don’t think that’s correct. I feel like if it’s not a collapsible one (because of everything inside of it), there should be a holster on his back maybe underneath of his cape, or on his belt because hefting around a stall all the time is fun and all, but you would need your hands free at some point right?? Also i think. the staff would be pretty dented and scratched up? Even though he could get a replacement, it would get scratched up pretty easily!

The yellow square things on his forearms (?) and hands can be used for blocking attacks, they’re nothing too special, just something for some extra defense!!

i don’t know if i really ahve anything else to talk about with this??? I know i’ll probably somehow change it lmao

#tim drake #red robin #tim drake fanart #dc fanart #dcu #character design #character sheet #batfam #digital art #my art #batman #i keep on forgetting to tag things with my art sob

[thysanniia]

Tell me about your godzilla stories I want information dumped in my brain like a horrifying Medieval medicine

Ok so this has sat in my inbox for a couple days now and I've just been mentally preparing myself for writing this obscenely long post, but I think I'm ready.

You wanna know about all of my Godzilla stories? You're sure? In way too much detail for anyone to sit through?? Ok, if you insist. Strap in, it's gonna be a long one.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Ok so all but one of these are my major overhaul of the MonsterVerse, and seeing as the standalone one is my most recent creation, I'll save that for last. So we start with Godzilla (2014). This was always my favourite MV film, so it was always going to stay relatively similar in my version, but more recently I've been developing thoughts about restructuring the narrative to be more framed around keeping Joe Brody alive and having the film focus on his relationship with Ford as the events unfold. Ford feels guilty for dismissing his father all these years, and Joe becomes painfully aware of just how badly he's neglected their relationship too - especially now that Ford is tied up in this whole mess, and his job as a soldier puts him in serious danger when shit goes down. I haven't quite figured out the details of how this all unfolds and develops (I struggle a lot with character writing and figuring out relationship arcs, my brain isn't exactly wired that way even though my neurodivergent brain loves compelling characters). But I have a feeling it will still end in Joe sacrificing himself - or perhaps at least attempting to? Yeah, this is still fairly new and also not my primary focus at the moment so it'll be brewing for a little while longer. Obviously all the stuff with Godzilla and the MUTOs stays more or less the same, save for perhaps a little more fun lore courtesy of Monarch as they interact with Joe more.

I am going to bring up Kong: Skull Island, even though it's not Godzilla, because it's still a part of the MV. Jokes on you though - I'm only bringing it up to tell you I'm not changing it! I think it's fine how it is, it's kinda stand-alone anyway so I feel no need to tweak anything. Maybe I'd make Kong a little bigger, idk.

So then there's Godzilla Vs Kong. Yeah, plot twist, that one's next, and it's pretty substantially overhauled. The general idea is to have it mostly focus on Kong and Jia's relationship, in a doomed-by-the-narrative sort of way, because this is Kong after all. It starts off on Skull Island, which thanks to climate change affecting the storm conditions is slowly dying. It also doesn't help that westerners have introduced diseases that are harming the Iwi. But anyway, out from beneath the island emerges Camazotz, digging up through the passageways from the Hollow Earth. Naturally, it fights Kong, and some human intervention accidentally causes it to fly away and off the island. Having a loose flying kaiju is obviously not great, but it gets even worse when its return brings Godzilla in tow. Alarmed by suddenly discovering there's been a giant ape here this whole time, Godzilla gets aggressive and Kong gets defensive, resulting in a full on fight that ultimately ends in tragedy when Godzilla inadvetently decimates the last remaining Iwi. Kong is understandably not ok and retreats into the Hollow Earth down Camazotz' tunnel. Ilene and Jia go in after him, accompanied by others from Monarch, and while they are eventually reunited with Kong, things aren't really smooth from there. I haven't developed this part fully yet, but essentially through various Hollow Earth experiences it becomes clear that this is a place where he is safer and more at home, but his guilt, refusal to leave Jia, and fear of this new place leads him to flee up a new Camazotz tunnel that leads to Hong Kong. Predictably, now back on the map he is immediately greeted by Godzilla and shit goes down. They have their fight, and Kong actually does well, motivated by his desire to protect Jia, but it becomes clear that Godzilla will just keep getting back up. He can't stay here. So, in the end, Kong lays down his axe and submits to Godzilla, and leaves for the Hollow Earth alone. It's kinda bittersweet - he and Jia both survive, and they get to say goodbye on their own terms. Plus there are hints that there might be more like him in the Hollow Earth. But, ultimately, they do still have to say goodbye and go their separate paths.

Ok so when I started writing this I didn't plan to write out a full synopsis or anything, but because that one is more of a step-by-step story I felt I couldn't properly explain it without just dumping everything. I'll not do that for the rest because their plots aren't quite as fully organised yet (and also that would make this post excessively long).

So, finally (kinda) there's Godzilla: King of the Monsters. Or, well, something vaguely based on it. I'm not even sure what I'm calling this one yet, but the main point is that it's the one with Mothra, Rodan and Ghidorah (plus Anguirus and Hedorah now too!). This one is much more preachy and focused on showing a clear message, although hopefully still with a compelling central character arc too. It's focused around how, in times like ours when the people in charge refuse to do the right things and our elders don't do enough to challenge them, it's up to us as the youth to take real, drastic action to fight for our futures. Each kaiju is related to something: Anguirus is ecocide, Rodan is war, Nozuki (lol yeah) is greed, Hedorah is pollution, and Ghidorah is climate change. Godzilla retains his general theme of being a force to restore balance - not necessarily on one side or another, but when governments fight back against him we lose our only chance of winning, and the only way we can get him back is through Mothra, who symbolises our hope and will to do right. So... yeah, it's pretty in-your-face and obviously a representation of my own feelings (did I mention that the main character is a trans girl?) but I don't think that's a bad thing. I am a little worried about whether it's possible to get everything I feel needs to be included into a respectable film runtime, I've considered cutting one or two kaiju but I feel they're important enough to keep? I don't wanna cut the kaiju that's the embodiment of capitalism's consequences (although perhaps I can just demonstrate the same thing through other kaiju?), nor do I wanna cut Hedorah because she kicks ass and I love her. But I might restructure it a little, again hence why I'm not going into the beat-by-beat plot quite yet. I'm still happy with the broad strokes of how it's shaping up though, and hopefully I'll have something more final to share soon. This idea is kinda what shaped everything else, I'm very attached to it.

Speaking of everything else, that's not all! Even though that's supposed to be the big film conclusion, at least for now, I was also inspired by Monarch: Legacy of Monsters to do a spin-off show that ties into the events, because I think it's a really interesting concept and I wanna show more perspectives than just those inside Monarch. Currently I'm titling it Monarch: Monster Hunters although that's subject to change. The idea is that it follows some people who come together to search for the truth about what's going on behind the scenes, propelled by creating the ORCA. Simultaneously, it follows someone inside Monarch trying to track down MUTOs such as Camazotz as it leaves Skull Island. Their paths converge, and the group are let into Monarch thanks to their invention, teaming up to search for MUTOs together. However, the more they learn the less they like the organisation, and in the end they rebel against it in order to protect the kaiju. You might have noticed a pattern of Monarch not really being the good guys in these lol. Very excited to include more original kaiju in this one too, which I won't spoil quite yet...

Oh, also it's gay. At least one of these was bound to have lesbians in it, come on.

I'm also toying with a second season taking place after (not)KotM. The first season would bridge the time gap between GvK and KotM, tying in quite closely to both. But the post-KotM world does leave lots of interesting opportunities, even if i initially wanted the world-ending threat of Ghidorah to be the big finale. Toying with ideas of parasites, Shimo, and even Battra... I might have to wait for Godzilla X Kong to see if any ideas for it spring from that.

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Ok, so that's everything for the MonsterVerse, but then there's also my original Godzilla story. This kinda sprung out of thinking about Mechagodzilla, and the best way I can describe it is "Cyberpunk Pacific Rim except we're the bad guys". It centres on a Mechagodzilla pilot slowly realising that their endless battle with Godzilla is little more than a war for war's sake, a corrupt government covering for their own mistakes by trying to win a battle of their own creation despite all of the lives it costs. It's their nukes that created Godzilla, their attacks that instigate the destruction he causes, and their own war that they try to win to retain the public's support, even though it becomes clear that no blood would have been spilled if not for their actions. The pilot themselves have to confront everything they believed, come to terms with the part they played in all this, and atone for the lives lost by instead fighting the people that did this. Oh, and Ghidorah is thrown in there as a third party just to complicate things. It's fun, and I'm looking forward to developing the plot more. Currently resisting the urge to include my beloved Mothra, she'd make absolutely no sense to include but also I love her so much...

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Anyway, if you somehow actually read all of that then you're absolutely gorgeous and I wanna kiss you on the lips (mwah!). If you have any questions or anything by all means go ahead and ask, I'm more than happy to talk more about anything you're interested in.

I might update this with future developments if they're significant enough, who knows, we'll see.

And, finally, thank you unfortunatefloweryfool for asking me to write all this out. It took, uh, way too fucking long and I should not be awake right now but it's fun to have an excuse to dump all of this. You're the best, thank you for enabling me.

And with that, thank you and goodnight :3

#i seriously can't believe someone actually asked this i hope she was prepared for the sheer amount of hyperfixation bullshit she unleashed #thysanniasks #godzilla #monsterverse #writing #my posts

[nevarroes]

So! with the whole cas and malachi backstory, and them being so look alike. is there like. a possible scenario, maybe cas is away for some reason maybe it was a trap to lure him there so malachi can slip in idk, then malachi wanting to like idk play with cas. just to show up to see what he sees in gortash or something. step in the shoes of his siblings for now. he tries to pretend to be cas with magic or something and tries to see what he sees in the guy and see how long he can keep this up. ofc i dont think itll last long, but idk i think its just kinda cool to visualize. the unsettling-ness of like madness of it maybe. like its a doppleganger but not really.

like maybe he slips in the side of gortash's bed and then something is just not right. because theres no warmth in his eyes as he tries to "lovingly" caress gortash. just like a particular curiosity of a scientist like examining a specimen. idk its just interesting to think of drawing the little quirks of facial expression and maybe horror build up but not really. i imagine this would only be a threat rn with gort being so big these days.

then maybe when cas rushes in to like want to kill mal for even touching gort and doing this shit, we could just see either gort mid pulling away cuz he realized this isnt cas, but like for cas he mightve interpreted it as like different that he was being replaced and how could u fall for this whatevs

or maybe what cas would see is more brutal? maybe gortash tied. and maybe mal sitting pretty waiting for him to see if this is what he was exchanging for, something this fragile. grotesque. just outright not getting it. what cas sees and accidentally mocking him or something to be better than this (aka be the worst) that he expected better. i think mal would die but yk its kinda fun to see. like mal being what cas should be doing if he was as "perfect" as he used to be just to rub it in that maybe hes getting soft and weak.

sorry idk im just a sucker for weird doppleganger like tropes and weird sibling relationship (in fiction cuz idk its just so interesting to explore the tight rope tension and obsessing so much u hate them but u want to be them and have to have them) if this is way too weird and ooc, just ignore this and delete, sorry! also not requesting or anything suggesting, just wanted to imagine it and share it with u

first of all thank u so much for sharing your thoughts nd stuff on this honestly I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit since🙏😔 to be honest I have played with thoughts of a similar scene before as well, especially because of the whole “Mal is pretty good at transformative magic” since he always wanted to be someone else, especially someone Cas would desire. I think what you described honestly comes reaaaally close already to how this would play out, so let me just add my own thoughts

Let me just start off by saying that Mal, at the time where he finally got out of the Abyss, wasn’t quite like he was back then anymore. To put it simply he lost his mind from the pain and seclusion he went through. He still had his weird obsession with Cas obviously, but there was anger behind it now, especially after Mephistopheles told and showed him Cas’ genuine affection and weakness when it came to Gortash. The thing with Mal is that yes he was always rejected by Cas but Cas also never showed interest in anyone else, so he accepted that, telling himself that Cas is just unable to and if he was able to he would obviously love nd be obsessed with him he same was he was. But now with Mal seeing that Cas actually loved another man, and not just that but a man that is so very weak and just a mortal in the eyes of every devil, there’s more genuine hatred and hurt behind it.

When Mal first approached Cas again he was in the crowd of the black keep's throne room before trying to attack Gortash. It wasn’t very serious at that moment, it was his task, but really he just wanted to see if Cas really was really reduced to being Gortash's "guard dog" as Mephistopheles lovingly put it💜 Maybe it disppointed him in a way, he snapped out of his unconditional love a little with everything that Cas had done to him combined with his fall from grace and his affections for Gortash. But still, it's not like he would ever be over the whole thing

so Mal can't fool Cas with his transformations he knows that and Cas would kill him if he's careless but Gortash? It makes sense that he might attempt once, trying to understand why it would ever be Gortash over himself that deserves Cas' love and it's not like he'd be afraid of him. It'd be a night scenario as you suggested yeah, maybe Gortash thinking Cas is back early but it doesn't last long - Malachi was always bad at imitating Cas' behavior and speech and never understood his brother really, even if desiring him so. So yes, Gortash would figure it out fast but he's cautious, and Mal gets no answer to his question anyways. There's nothing even slightly special about Gortash in his eyes, so he succumbs to his hatred again. He could've gotten the job of killing Gortash to punish Cas done here but I figure he wouldn't be able to just do that, Mal is similar to Cas in the way where he'll always be drawn to causing pain instead of a fast death. So he tries to torture Gortash for a bit, let out his frustration and hurt about *this* being chosen over him, especially since Mal sacrificed so much for Cas as well and would've let Cas made him fat too - not like he understands where it comes from though

Anyways yeah it doesn't last for long, there's only so little time where Cas would leave Gortash's side and usually not without being able to know what's going on. Gortash would just be stalling too, trying to talk and infuriate him until Cas comes to finish the job but Mal doesn't die here, he just retreats so report back to Mephistopheles since he's not meant to fight Cas alone👎

also I doubt that Gortash would've gotten as far as to actually be intimate in any way with the transformed Mal because he is VERY unstable at this point, he would've just revealed himself a few minutes in by acting insane, but Cas definitely still asked if he let Mal touch him😖 Same reason why there isn't much "playing" or baiting Cas or the like though, Malachi at this point, after what he went through in the Abyss and all, wasn't really able to control himself, not for long anyways. Maybe Cas telling him to stop gently at any point would've been the only thing that could make him snap out of it, but Mal was more mindless weapon than himself at this point and while he could form clear thoughts they were always soon overpowered by uncontrollable emotions

#blakemail #malachi carnarvon #cas lore #gortcas lore #long post #incest cw

[sttoru]

hey karina, in gonna ask a fairly odd question. as a writer myself, i personally try to make my y/n’s relatable, first and foremost for myself, and obviously for at least most people that will be reading my fics. so i assume every other writer does something similar as well.

so in your fics(which are super enjoyable and well written btw!) i noticed that you kind of praise y/n? through the characters eyes, but still. lots of authors do this, but this is my first time gathering the courage to ask, so please dont take it personally! and feel free to ignore my question! my issue is that i believe im unattractive and i hate making it seem otherwise, even in fiction. feels like im lying to myself. so are you girls actually that pretty, or do you just write like that hoping someone would think that of you someday?😭 im genuinely going insane over this im so sorry. im also 20(unless i read your age with my ass) and i have never been loved or found attractive my whole life am i the issue? plus if you girls are loved and have boyfriends why do you even need fanfiction?😪 idk sorry if this is weird

hi, gonna answer this under the cut, bcs its kinda interesting?

firstly, thank you for the compliment! you're actually right about the thing u said in the beginning; nearly every writer out there is (a bit) self-indulgent when writing fics — me included. ofc, i try to keep out any descriptions about the reader's appearance so more people can actually enjoy my works and insert themselves when imagining whatever happens in the fic.

now to answer this first question; ‘so are you girls actually that pretty, or do you just write like that hoping someone would think that of you someday?’

simple answer: it depends heavily on the writer. everyone has different intentions behind how and why they portray their reader in their fics like they do.

to answer it for me: it’s kind of both. i have worked on my self-confidence and i actually have learnt to appreciate and love how i look. so, naturally i think i am indeed pretty. but, of course, i still have some deeply rooted insecurities that ‘m still working on.

i partially wish to erase those by praising the reader in my fics. by having the characters complimenting the reader (me, because im super self indulgent when writing) it boosts my confidence & helps me feel better when i need it.

that’s why i also love to read other fics that have the same type of style; thus, where reader gets praised in any kinda way. whether it’s physical appearance or personality wise. sometimes i read fiction solely to avoid my irl problems / insecurities or kinda solve them in a way.

reading about a reader who constantly thinks shit about themselves, is just gonna multiply all those problems for me and make me miserable—so i don’t wanna write nor read that (though i sometimes do include or like to read stuff with, for example, a reader w trust issues. that’s when i need some comfort or when i am just in the mood for angst LOL)

second question: if you girls are loved and have boyfriends why do you even need fanfiction?

simple answer: there are many different reasons as to why someone could write or read fanfiction. not everyone who reads or writes it, do it to feel loved or because they’re missing out on affection irl. it can for example be for comfort or it can be just for fun because you simply like to read or love the characters! there’s no need for a deep reason behind everything. you don’t necessarily have to have a special reason to read fics.

for me: my reasons for writing and reading fiction are yes, partially because i wanna giggle and kick my feet reading about my fav characters as love interests, but also because it’s just fun! i mainly read when i’m bored tbh. sometimes when im in need of comfort, other times when i need to have a laugh. it heavily depends on my mood actually lolol

well, lastly, i hope you find someone who makes you feel loved irl. i’m sure there’s someone out there who you will meet and who will help you heal + gain self-confidence.

even if that person never comes; you have yourself. learning to love yourself may take a while, even a lifetime, but you will eventually get there. i hope that answers your questions <3 !!

#sttoru responds.

[postalollie]

What are ur favorite things about pdude :) any of them and what do think dating one would be like 😳

OO HI!! SORRY FOR BEING SO LATE!!

In general I love the fact hes a morally grey character that in general doesnt seems to care for what other think of him! (except if hes wearing a gimp suit obviously lol) and his smugness as well, for postal 2 dude I love his colors! theyre more dull which for me fits his character really well and I try to do that in my art of him as well (though Ive been slacking more on that aspect lol) his design in general is just so nice to look and memorable too, its simple but effective, peak character design right there and I dont even mean it as a joke I genuinely think his design is super good, and most importantly THE GLASSES!! I like drawing him with his eyes showing but when he has the sunglasses is where the fun is at, because it kinda brings a surprise factor to him, his colors are more died down but then you see his eyes and BAM!! green! of course theyre not too bright as to match with his other colors but still bright enough for him to have some contrast and bring some surprise to the player!

Now for p1 dude, I once again love his color scheme, I love red so its fun to look at him, even with just his limited model on the original postal you can see a lot of stuff in his design which is very impressive! I love his fingerless gloves and his sweater vest as well/shirt he wears on the gone postal cover, also...long hair...pretty.. ALSO his design with the red coat and green vest! I dont usually see it being drawn (I personally do prefer to draw the red and black version because I prefer that color scheme but the other is still quite good and I wanna draw it someday!) idk his design is just once again very cool to me

NOW FOR THE DATING PART OwO (sorry if these are hard to understand im very bad with writing and most of my fantasies rarely follow a story or a very strict personality to them lol)

for p2 I imagine it would be more difficult for him to "open up" I guess, he would start pretty closed off like he is in the game, even when hes interested in you hes still kinda closed off, with stuff like flirty interactions the thing he can do best because hes more in control, show that man some genuine affection and he wouldnt know how to take it (show that man love no one in paradise apreciates him >:( ) he would probably blue screen a bit from affection, however slowly he would start getting used it and start showing a bit more as well, you would just need to be a bit patient with him, he would however still care for you and be a bit possesive, not in the unhealthy way I mean would get jealous about you and if anyone tried to do anything he would kick their ass, in general his love language is a mix of physical contact and acts of service, he also calls you darling and dearie :)

NOW FOR P1 oh p1

tbh I think he would a bit more possesive compared to p2 by a bit, finding a not sick person would be a miracle to him, he would be a bit more emotional as well, confiding in you and being the only one he would trust, to me he would profess his love to you in a way more I guess poetic way?? idk how to call it but yeah! man is down bad for you essentialy, dont get me wrong though hes still postal dude of course, just ya know with more problems

now for the massacre part.. I feel it COULD be possible to be able to stop him from doing everything like people generally write p1 x reader fics but honestly to me, idk I feel like no matter what something would make him snap, the thing is would you join him or not... my self insert does but really I think that changes from person from person, I imagine that during the very small breaks from the killing he would be all over you, you're the thing that calms him down, also if he went to the asylum he would be saved by you, together till the end no matter what

AGAIN I know the whole joining in with him might seem bad! its just that for me its not any postal dude, especially postal 1 dude wihout some violence ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

ALSO i headcanon all the dudes with the exception of corkscrew for obvious reason that theyre all part brazilian and portuguese is their first language! (self projection wee hoo) so they would call you pet names or say how much they love in the language! I feel they would say amor a lot and the variations of it (amorzinho, meu amor, mo, also that basically means my love in different ways in english) p3 would say xuxu or xuxuzin for sure though (idk how to translate this but like, imagine it as like saying doll or darling but in a more joking manner)

In any way, all of them would be protective of you, wouldnt want to hurt you no matter what and if anyone tried they're dead

(also bonus p3, he would be the most smug out of all of them, he KNOWS you love him and he loves you too and oh boy is he gonna have fun with it, also both him and p2 would probably fight for you a bit in paradise lost lol)

#OO THIS WAS LONG!! #thanks for the ask!! #sorry is there are missing words or mispellings! #no beta we die like p3 dude died in one of the endings #postal #postal dude #postal 1 #postal 2 #I hope the portuguese parts made sense lol #postal 3 #kinda??

[marshmallowprotection]

hi! id love a romantic matchup!!^_^

starting with personality, id say im probably an ambivert. it really depends on who im with though! i like my alone time a lot, but at the same time i love to hang out and do fun stuff with my friends!! my parents have told me that i can be witty a lot of the time, and i do agree that i like to tease people from time to time. my friends always describe me as nice and righteous?? i guess?? they always call me smart, too, which makes sense since im in a couple ap and honors classes.. i love learning when i have a good teacher lolol ! id like to say im organized and all that stuff, but im the biggest procrastinator lol . i try to get stuff donr as soon as i can but like,, i dont want to :P my personality type is infp !

onto hobbies and interests, i love to draw, mostly sketch, both digitally and traditionally. i like to write as well, with books and essays and poetry ^_^ i loove poetry, and id say that ties with philosophy and (idk the right word) but like. just overall deep talks(i love those, especially late at night). i like to read, and im so curious about space and the universe, ive been meaning to research it! i like both cats and dogs.. honestly i dont know who i would pick if i had to choose. more fandoms wise... i like a lot of things! obviously what im most interested in rn is mm, but undertale and ohshc will always hold special places in my heart! I ALMOST FORGOT, but i love to make stuff!! charms and cards and anything i can make at home, i love to see peoples reactions when they get them:)

id say my love language is physical touch from both sides, i love to be next to the people i love, even if its just simple touches. i also love quality time, and thinking that my partner will love me no matter what

physical appearance, i just have brown hair and blue eyes, pretty typical lol ! i love to create patterns on my nails myself, and i do put on makeup very often, just simple eyeliner and slight eyeshadow, nothing major. i always get compliments on how pretty my hair is, its just long and straight and i try to brush it the best i can before it gets tangled lol . people also tell me i have a nice nose, so!

(i feel like ive written too much lolol) i dont know exactly what i want to do with the rest of my life yet, i know im knterested in the study of the human mind, so ive been considering psychology the most. still not sure though!

thank you!!! >_<

I match you with...

Jumin!

Spending quality time and sharing intimate words with another person is your love language. You're looking for somebody who understands you for you. Somebody who knows what it feels like to want to be seen, and who better to be your partner than Jumin Han? He has spent his entire life looking for somebody who wants to spend time with him just because they think he's an interesting person to be around, not because they want to be around him for his money.

You're looking for a connection with another person who makes you feel comfortable and passionate at the same time. The best thing you can do with him is work on your art while you share time together in the living quarters. Imagine that, you’ve strewn your legs across his lap and you’re drawing Elizabeth, chuckling at the remark he made about the novel he’s reading. What more could you want? 

He's the kind of partner you want if you value communication more than anything. He gets it, and you don't have to worry about anything getting lost in the middle. 

#mod kait #ask #anon #matchup

[alliluyevas]

hey fun fact, my girlfriends coworker just quit and is going to Utah for a while. this guy smokes, drinks, does drugs, he's a real hippie. he's going for the nature and national parks and stuff. we had to be the ones to tell him he might have a hard time finding coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, etc because it's a predominantly mormon state! he had no idea!

he's just like...going to chill in the national parks? honestly good on him. i will say, my experience might be skewed because i don't use any substances (or drink coffee, I had to go back and add that because coffee is not A Substance unless you're Mormon) but when I went to utah I was with 2 people who do drink both alcohol and coffee and they had no trouble acquiring those in slc or around zion/bryce canyon national parks. slc has a large secular population and there's a lot of tourist traffic around the two parks so they know how to cater to non Mormons.

my friends don't smoke and no one was looking to do drugs so idk about that, and it might be harder to find even alcohol in areas that aren't the far north or far south of the state and are predominantly mormon without a lot of tourist traffic. i imagine you could probably get grocery store ground coffee at a supermarket but coffee shops would be pretty scarce.

that being said omg how did he not know that? I feel like Utah is so polarized in terms of its population/pop culture presence because it's like Outdoorsy Hippie Place but also Mormon Central.

also just musing but--the interesting thing about visiting Utah as someone who doesn't drink alcohol or coffee but isn't Mormon and was traveling with people who do is that establishments feel really polarized--they either don't offer things that don't conform to Mormon consumption standards (like those soda shops, they may have juices or flavored water or something lighter but they don't also offer coffee), or they are very obviously catering to non-Mormons and don't offer a lot of variety for either practicing Mormons or people who just choose not to drink.

Like we went to a restaurant that had a wine list, extensive cocktail menu, big bar right in the center, etc, and I feel like an equivalent restaurant in most of the cities I've been to would have had mocktails offered, something a little more fun and upscale for non-drinkers. This place had Coke, Sprite, or water. Similarly, we stopped at a trendy-looking coffee place that was either independent or a local chain so my friends could get a coffee. They had lots of different types of coffee preparations and a few different tea options and the only thing that a Mormon guest could have gotten was Swiss Miss hot chocolate. (Which is what I got, lol). These places were both in Salt Lake City. We did go to one place near Zion that had beer and wine but also a wider range of options for non-drinkers including this giant prickly pear lemonade that I ordered which was bright purple and unfortunately not very good kjesdfhdas I thought it was too sweet. Utah moment.

It kind of made me feel a bit weird personally...I felt like I was going to that coffee shop and the barista was thinking oh look at this cringelord Mormon ordering the Swiss Miss. but also on a sociological level it's really interesting because it's a real reflection of cultural polarization in utah, like I'm sure there are plenty of mixed friend groups that have some Mormon and some non-Mormon members, but some Mormons I think would prefer not to go to a restaurant that has a bar or to a coffee shop in general. (Appearance of evil, etc). And I think also like...some people who do drink may kind of look down on those who don't especially because of the religious context so you end up with establishments that basically offer the bare minimum in non-alcohol/non-coffee.

[1moreff-creator]

Hi! I'm pretty new to tumblr and I have no idea if it's appropriate to come into your askbox to talk about my drdt chapter 2 theories but I'm not confident enough to make my own post and it's more a fun thought I just had than an actual theory

/! \ this will contain spoilers for drdt obviously as well as THH in case people who follow you somehow havent played the game

the gist of it is, someone who is not the culprit could have messed with the crime scene.

It's mainly because so far the chapters seem to have reference to THH in more ways than just with the motives (it is probably too soon for it to be a pattern and ngl i kinda hope its not because if it is, with what we know of Rose' money issues she might end up the ch3 culprit and I want her to live so badly. would make the whole series a bit too predictable also, although i dont personally mind that kinda stuff)

because like. Chapter 1 had someone who got close to the protag, ended up betraying their trust, chose the murder location to frame someone specific, failed their murder attempt and died as a result with the real culprit technically acting in self defense (although its not 100% the case for Leon)

and in chapter 2 we have the victim who died a pretty quick and violent death (at least im pretty sure chihiros cause of death was a violent hit to the head? been a really long while, i could remember wrong) but the murder scene make it seem more complicated. And the victim died just after they decided to change/improve themselves in some way also

In both cases someone who has nothing (at least probably, in Davids case) to actually do with the murder have some pretty big part of themselves exposed during the trial

idk who would mess with the murder scene and for what purpose (Vero. for funsies. What a Legend)

I'm probably wrong cause that doesnt really explain the evidence at the crime scene. like. at all, i know

like Idk what the spinny thing has to do with anything (I mean you could put a bunch of tape on the handles just 'cause, i guess? but it would make more sense if it were involved in some sort of mechanism which you wouldn't need if Arei was already dead)

same for the ball of clothes and the flickering light

Whoever put the fish there though, whether its the actual killer or not, I'm pretty sure they did it to make everyone think the crime couldn't have happened at night time and fish water was actually never part of the murder itself

that would make someone physically strong like Levi the killer tho and even though it would make sense (pretty sure at this point that Arei has his secret) I feel like its too soon for him to die? Eden got more development and makes more sense to me (which breaks my heart, I love her)

Hi! Don't worry, none of us know what we're doing in this website! :D

No need to be shy about making your own posts, but it's also fine to talk/ask me about whatever crosses your mind! So, your theories/thoughts.

The possibility that someone other than the killer screwed with the crime scene is one I've seen before, and technically speaking, something like that most likely happened. I think it was an accomplice of the killer (Eden!Blackened Levi!Accomplice gang rise up), but a third party is part of other theories.

The fish are the main thing: given Nico's account (fish were all still there when they last fed them, which can be deduced to be around 7:00 - 7:30 PM of the third day, the day most of episode 7 takes place in), whoever took the fish must have done it at around the time the characters believe the murder happened. But there's no reason for the killer to bring the fish unless they were trying to confuse the time of death, which would only matter if they can have an alibi at the time the fish disappeared. But if they have an alibi at the time the fish disappear, they can't have taken the fish! (Which, btw, eliminates Veronika. Unfortunate, they won't let women do anything these days, not even mess with crime scenes for funsies smh)

So either it was someone unrelated messing with the crime scene, or an accomplice took the fish there to give the real killer an alibi. I'm planning to do a post summarizing my theory on how exactly the whole mess happened, so uh, stay tuned ig. But if you're interested in the "David screwed with the crime scene" idea, I recommend reading thebadjoe's theory on the murder. I may not agree with it, but it's still a fantastic post and a really fun read!

As for most of the other stuff, yeah Arei's death probably wasn't very simple. Explaining the odd contradiction of her wrists being bound but a mechanism clearly being involved (as you mentioned, tape on bars and flickering light, among other stuff) is a whole mess. It's part of why I'm not really sure this is absolutely supposed to parallel THH. Like clearly there's some similarities, but it's basically impossible to know what aspects of a case would be similar and which ones wouldn't. So, uh, yeah. Who knows.

I do agree Eden's the killer though! Why else would she take the tape from the gym? If you don't know what I'm talking about, basically the gym lockdown and the tape disappearing seemingly overnight makes it impossible for anyone but Teruko, Ace or Eden (or I guess Rose if she's lying) to have taken the tape. But since the tape also disappears from the background right after Ace wakes up... yeah, just Teruko Ace or Eden. But we know Teruko didn't, Ace couldn't have done it without Teruko noticing, and Eden got knocked to the floor when the tape disappeared from the floor :p

And yeah, it hurts. It will be a sad day when the killer gets executed, regardless of who they are, but especially if it's Eden T_T

#drdt #drdt theory

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary159

2/20-21/2024

tuesday - wednesday

struggling with a song, in a funny way.

i am trying to get the vocals to sit right, it's a very difficult thing, sometimes they feel too quiet, sometimes they feel too loud, it seems like there's 0 inbetween i can get and i think partially the issue that i dislike the vocal take at the start. or idk. i can't tell, honestly, maybe it's too saturated too? in which case i need to roll that off, i guess next is that. trying that nowwww. i'm so annoying , to myself, getting stuck on songs like this, i wanted to do more today.

but i didn't do nothing, i guess, instead i've been focused on some hard songs and i did some recording, i don't like the recording much but it's at least got me practicing this song. i just don't know what to do with my voice, i guess i should try earlier in the day tomorrow, as early as possible, warm up and stuff asap, and try to do harsh stuff if i need to. i do think i need to. if that goes well, i can do something w/ other songs that need vocals in parts. it's just hard getting the yelpy stuff right, or getting to that place vocally, idk, i need to warm it up but i worry about annoying people. i think it'd be less annoying if i just did it in fewer takes, get out of my head, and just go. but that's got its own issues too.

anyway, it rained today, which was really fun, it's very pretty out, it felt nice on my skin, the cold air, and i found that missing tiny cardigan thing which made me sooo happy. so i have that going for me. we went out to eat tonight at this very bad ramen place, which sucks, idk how they fuck it up so bad but they did. they had good kimbap at least, or maybe that's just relative to everything else. it sucks to eat like, not even mid, it was bad. my gf got chicken ramen and it just had a whole chicken leg dropped in it, and the chicken was like, it tasted of ginger and soap. very weird flavor. mine was like, water seasoned with hints of dishwater. the ramen i make out of the like, packs, you know, instant stuff. idk how i lost that word. instant ramen. i am like stupid. i am stupid today, i'm like an idiot, i'm like actually really really stupid every day. it makes me fee lawful to be an idiot. anyways. that stuff tastes better, like i am fucking w/ it i'm not just saying the msg loaded packets are good on their own (but they are), this place was obviously trying and fucking it up i think, or maybe it's just an off day for them? idk. it didn't really feel like it. they also didn't let us make the ramen spicy. idk how they don't have chili oil.

after that my gf was so disappointed we went to get boba, which made her happy. it was a nice day with her, basically, the bad food maybe made it more fun in a way, cuz we will remember it. it's like, who really remembers "that time everything was normal and fine," anyways.

the song is definitely coming along, i think, maybe i'm delusional though. it was def an issue of too much saturation on the master, but maybe not the sends, it's easy to pull that up too much instead of just clean gain. cuz my brain is fucked up and likes drive over that, but it's important to keep that balanced, if i need more fuckedup-ness on the instrumental, it's easy to do that w/ the send, i should remember this now.

doing some fun stuff to the song now, i'm glad to be getting to this zone w/ the thing.

earlier tonight i got annoyed at people who were talking about how exciting it is when ai outputs nonsense, and how that's 'experimental poetry' and how it's all they wanna write, and now it just doesn't matter, a few hours on, or idk, it irks me, it's always going to irk me, because it's this formalist thing, over anything that's trying to illustrate something, get at anything, it's like looking at the huge amount of detritus piled up online and saying that it's actually avant garde to participate in that, rather than the most normal thing imaginable. like oh yeah you're so avant garde for spitting out faux poeticisms at random, as if through a grinder. i've seen poetry like that read out loud, fractured nonsense that aims at poetry itself, takes up that dead skin and parades it around, and i've seen poetry of measurements and stuff that 'should not be in poetry,' when people take dirty stuff or whatever, or technical nonsense, coding language, whatever, ascii art, anything, i've seen so much. it's well tread ground, all this formalism and efforts to sit in the avant garde won't meant a fucking thing when you're just trying to get there because all you're used to is consuming the most out there art cuz you've been too online. it's not that people should strive to be normal to be readable, i think my writing makes it evident i don't care about that, in fact, i hate that. i hate the idea of sitting near any norm, i hate the norm, i hate what it does to people, and i love mostly out there art, it's mostly what i think i make and care about, i know people, real people, who produce work that is truly, actually, avant garde, recently i was shown a first poem by a distant friend in chicago, and was amazed by it, he achieved things i struggled to do, for so long, he found answers to problems i've come up against! and to see that, my god, there is no envy, there is only gratefulness, i could cry, i feel tears at my eyes, he articulated so much with much thought, he got there, he got to the root of the simultaneous and there is no comfortable distance, there is no remove, and it also not fallen to some vitalist fantasy, it is something else, really. it is something else. my friend in saudi arabia, he too is something else. there are people, living, breathing, speaking from their points, or maybe not speaking, coming up against the issue of speaking, i am coming up against the issue of speaking, and not trying to, but wailing, using the detritus to point elsewhere, at right here, to give it location, and a way out. i do not sit masturbating in it, i do not sit and refuse ecstasy / disarray/derangement of the senses in order to receive the diseased spittle of pure logic's runtime errors, stupid apollonian pulsions to transpose the structureless into a structure, the vomit of ai is only words weighted too heavily for brief periods before unseen and underpaid hands (most likely) do something to mess with the weights again. submitting to this feels awful, to see what's valued most highly in terms of use and probability and just letting that run, what comes as a surprise for people is just that it might say something strange, because it deems it possible.

obviously i really don't hate anyone just fucking with it, as an idea, you can get it to output a mass of text and take that text and arrange it, but this gets into the territory of editing, which is really where so many of my issues lie. people like ai vomit because it seems to mean something (they might say this is not the case, do not trust them), they like ownership of that meaning and think they can transmit it, or overwhelm you via some kind of maximalism into something being meaningful. all this creates is an exhausting wall of text, basically pornographic in its nature, i guess i wonder if so many people find ai fascinating cuz of its potential to 'expose', because it tells you its weights, this makes the work, worse than pointless, some kind of moralistic exercise in illustrating social sickness, pointing at a tumor, saying, look how awful this is, look what you did, look what you did by googling and breathing and using the computer.

whatever, though, it really is pointless. some portion of people making art want to say that doing something basically regular and ideal for the rich, is actually very cool and interesting. like, yeah, tether yourself to this technology, it's so useful for creating new work, it's faster and when you figure out how to get what you want, you never have to stop, it's writing that can be replicated in style and mood, you can have variation without variance. it is possible. selling the avant garde (it's typically already bought (but when it isn't, it's incredibly important)).

this just bothers me so much i guess because it's invalidating people i know, and of course myself, it's like, it wounds me to feel like i don't exist, obviously, and i would prefer it not, and it wounds me to feel like people just could see my friend's work and not care at all, or think something very stupid, like, oh it's so ai or whatever, idk what these people really think. i don't think all this because the ai 'has no soul' or whatever but it's just so indicative of an apathy w/r/t the production of new work or anyone's new work. i've complained abt the novelty issue/ futurist circlejerk but it's really annoying to see people trying to shortcut a way into being like, new, or fresh, or experimental. new technology is always exciting and fun to experiment w/ but when it's new it's at its most volatile and most experiments turn out to be pointless ones, when you're just ultimately stress testing something that exists to order and catalog every human life and maybe kill people someday somewhere, or right now.

it's also the feeling that literature, as a form right now, is so narrow, the appeal is narrow, it's fine, no one has to care, it doesn't need to matter, but it makes one worry about new work, and where attention will go. the people who like the kinds of things i like, aren't really going to care, but obviously it's going to be easy to automate the formulaic and mostly bad kinds of writing out there, it feels like this is going to be technology which keeps people from ever having to encounter anything actually strange.

idk, all this gives me funny ideas, like, what if i make fakes of ai generations out of pieces of writing, because the other thing is it's basically easy to write 'like that' but maybe better, and then just take pictures of my screen or whatever of junk things, when i get the thing right. faking ai seems funny at least for a bit. i don't think anyone would really see or care, though. and what would faking it rlly do, it'd just be a kind of stupid trolling, idk, i like the idea still, i guess just maybe as like, a dare, sorta, like, if i could write it convincingly, which i guess i can't because i enjoy not writing literal nonsense, but writing messes, which are different (messes have sources), so i guess people could clock it, i figure.

but this made me write some messy stuff, which is fun at least.

the song is still feeling weird, but it's getting late, i might just want to cut it here, see where i stand tomorrow. it might just go over better mixing a vocal take i actually like. maybe the lyrics are the issue, a word like 'everybody' is hard to say right.

well it definitely sounds better after this last export at least.

one last export, and then i will sleep, and then i will record when i wake up.

this ai thing is just dumb, because all i really wish for is the ability to show people how much of an eyeroll it all is, all that posing, and whatever, by rolling my eyes, involuntarily, it would arrive thru me, a vessel for tiny social irritations expressed without knowing i express it. but i cannot, and it would be mean to use the eyeroll emoji. i can handle being a little mean in life, but online, it's just far worse, people take it way more personally, which is understandable, it's harder for people to separate themselves from their utterances, which makes people not want to reflect or whatever on what they say, and their utterances being them, they speak w/ such authority and whatever, it's agitating. i hope, mostly, that this was not agitating, for anyone reading. i don't really exist in this mode most of the time but it's like, idk, problematic i guess is the only word. i don't care about like, small stuff w/ ai or people just having fun w/ it, it just becomes intolerable when it becomes a whole artistic ethos/tool/supplants something and is supposedly superior to. idk.

anyway it's a dumb thing to really think about too much so now i am going to sleep, the song just needs new vocal takes in places and i should try to go wherever i decide i need to go tomorrow, so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[fyeahkaimelia]

this has Nothing to do w greys anatomy and i havent even been active here (but hey, this season is back so i just might be too) but i need to vent somewhere and i can’t do it on main cause irl ppl follow me there. i don’t even mind them knowing these things like its not a secret or anything but idk it’s weird

i owe ab r$ 130.000 to my university. every year i Don’t Pay the bills and owe them a huge amount of money and then they let me pay like 1/5 or even 1/6 of what i owe to be able to enroll in the next school year. i’m currently starting 4th year of med school (it’s 6 years long). this time they said they’d only do that thing where i pay a fifth of what i owe now and leave the rest to pay “later” if i use a credit card, which i don’t have — all my payments have always been thru debit yk. and i can’t get a credit card cause i owe the bankS (plural, i owe money to like every bank in the country) like over 200k from loans i’ve taken before, which i’ll never pay them back probably (it’s okay, i don’t have anything to my name so they can’t legally take anything from me cause of it). which is why i obviously also can’t get a loan.

i currently have about 40k. i’m selling my shitty car for 7k, i have a solid buyer, so i guess i have ab 47k. i’m trying to sell a shitty studio apartment in a bad neighborhood for 70k, even though it’s worth ab 120k, just to try to get it sold as fast as possible. i work a part time honest job for less than a minimum wage and i use that money to “pitch in” and help pay the bills (i live w my mom and she pays for everything but sometimes we fall short).

and i sell stuff on the side. how much i sell is directly related to how much extra cash i need that month, but it’s usually around 1k. if i really put myself out there i can make much, much more, and i usually avoid that so i don’t get too well known™, but recently (since like november) i’ve been doing that, and making ab 5k a month (which is how i’ve been saving money these past few months), and i’m currently facing the opportunity of expanding that further and maybe even make up to 10k a month from selling my stuff alone, but i’m not sure if i’ll do that cause i think people are already getting too comfy introducing my services™ to other ppl, and i even got a street name. that was sort of a wake up call for me. i sometimes get texts from strange numbers that’ll be like “hey, [insert friend’s name] gave me ur number” and i check with that friend if they’re cool before selling etc, but lately those ‘friends of friends’ all started calling me dr. hu, and it sort of caught on, and ppl who aren’t in any way connected to those ppl told me they’ve heard my “name” (dr. hu) being brought up by strangers in a couple of hang out spots in my neighborhood, and that really made me rethink the whole thing. it’s okay, my neighborhood is pretty chill, there’s not much activity here, there’s only a few parks where young ppl go to have fun, there aren’t any territorial gangs or anything, so at least i’m safe from that. but still.

also, “dr. hu” is a reference to this guy (i didnt get it at first, i thought they were saying dr who first few times i heard it):

ANYWAY. back to the point. i’ve been going to class even though i’m not officially enrolled in this semester yet, cause that’s what my lawyer told me to do, cause we’ll try to get a judge to demand my uni to let me pay in installments w debit or cash or a fucking check like it’s fucking 2007, whatever, just not credit. (idk if it wasn’t clear before, but they let me pay in cash if i pay the entire amount at once, i just don’t have that rn). but if we can’t get a judge to do that (we should find out by next week), my only way out would be if i can sell the apartment until before my exams start — and they start on march 15. otherwise i won’t be able to take the exams and i’ll automatically flunk all my classes, so.

my second option (if both the apartment thing and judge thing fail) would be to transfer to a different uni. that would hurt me deeply cause i like my uni’s curriculum better, it’s the best in the state, and i know i’d be transferring to a uni that isn’t as good. and mostly cause i’m already so integrated in my uni, i have my friends and my academic leagues and i’ve been a pharma TA (which gives me a 20% scholarship) and intended to keep on it, and i write papers for it and i had big plans to write ab some of my special interests in pharma (yea drugs are a special interest to me fr lol) and get to show them in medical conferences etc.

and there’s my bf. he’s the best thing ab uni to me tbh, he’s the reason i wake up in the morning exhausted but still excited to go to class cause he’ll be there. and it’s hard for us to see each other cause we both have jobs that demand a lot from us (i work as an “assistant” to er doctors — they pay me directly to do their work part time so they can sleep or study for residency undisturbed during part of their shifts, and he works with politics). so we only rly see each other out of class like once a week; and it’s fine cause we see each other in class almost everyday and we skip class to get high and make out on campus sometimes (like fucking teenagers ik ik), but all of that will be gone if i transfer. i’ll be lucky if i get to see him for a few hours a week. and it kinda feels like my world will colapse if that happens. i know it’s dramatic but idk, he’s kinda the light of my life rn. i know i’d get over it, i’d get over him if i had to, but i don’t want it to come to that, i really don’t, cause i’m in love & i genuinely believe we could have the life of our dreams together soon enough

anyway. transferring would genuinely be horrible but i’d get used to it. i’m already getting used to that possibility. yesterday it felt like it was the end of the world, i sobbed like a child just for considering it for a second, it felt like when ur a kid and everything gets taken away from u and u find out the world is a cruel and unjust place for the first time (i got sent to an international boarding school at age 6 man idk that’s how it felt like). but now i’m already more accepting of that possibility. i’d survive it, i’ve survived much worse, and i’d learn to enjoy it (in a bittersweet way). i’d probably lose touch with my best friend from uni (which SUCKS ASS cause he’s one of the best friends i’ve ever had, friends like him are hard to come across yk), but i’d make new friends eventually. maybe i’d find a way to make my relationship work. and i’d get to Not pay 130 thousand reais to my uni; bitches didn’t let me pay my way, they ain’t ever seeing money from me again. which would be pretty nice

and my third option, my worst option, is taking a gap year. just pausing everything. i finished 3rd grade in 2022, and i’d start 4th grade in 2024. a gap year. it’d come to that if the couple of unis i’d consider transferring to need me to take extra classes (essentially “repeat” some classes i’ve already taken) because of curriculum differences. it’d suck so, so much, but i’m still tryna prepare myself mentally for that possibility. honestly med school is my life. idk how i’d cope without medicine. honestly i skip class all the time and i hate some of my classes and i hate working with clinical medicine (which i’m required to do as a student) but still, my life kinda revolves around the fact that i’m on my way to becoming a doctor. it’s kind of what i live for. i’m not a straight As student, i’ve never been a pleasure to have in class, i get Bs and mostly Cs and i don’t study for my classes like i should, i don’t turn in my assignments, i’m essentially a very Bad student, but medicine is still my life. pharmacology and anesthesiology are my special interests. reading the entire goodman & gilman book for fun several times kinda thing. and i feel like that’s what i’m worth. i know it’s not healthy, but my entire sense of self worth is based on my academic life. which is ridiculous cause i’m not even a good student! but having mediocre grades and only studying for the few classes that i actually enjoy somehow is enough for me to feel ok ab myself. not great, i don’t have awesome self esteem, but okay enough yk. but my self esteem will go to zero so fast if i simply don’t have an academic life anymore.

and what would i do with a gap year? i’d probably work more, and maybe sell more, and maybe, just maybe, i’d work on myself. study more ab the things i’m interested in, go to the gym, help my mom w her garden. but the truth is i’d probably fall into a self destructive pattern of sleeping all day and binge eating and doing drugs. letting dirty dishes pile up all over my room, wearing the same set of pjs for weeks, not washing my hair like ever. eventually stop going to work, never leave the house. start getting social anxiety, avoiding all my friends, shutting down completely. going days without eating or seeing a single person irl. it’s happened before more than a few times, i know how i can be. i’ve had enough clinical depression episodes. and i think it could go harder than ever before (the worst one i’ve ever had was in 2017, when i spent 2 months in bed).

ok i kinda spiraled there. maybe that wouldn’t happen. it probably wouldn’t happen. and one good thing is i’d definitely find a way to make more money, so i could actually spend some on something other than bills. i could finally get the tattoos i want. ok but that’s the only silver lining i can find. and even if i didn’t fall into a depression™, would my relationship survive it? cause yea, i’d have time and money to see him, work around his schedule since he’d be busier than me, but i’d feel like shit. i’d feel like i’m worth less than him because he’d be too ahead of me academically, and i’d be stagnated. i can’t explain it.

#and i can’t even go to my happy place with oxy cause i’ve built up some tolerance so staying sober for like a week isn’t cutting it #i’ll need to detox from opiates for like a month for the high to be good enough again #might shoot up morphine tmr though. KWNDSK #or do ketamine. i’ll let my bf decide what we’re doing #cause he’s never shot up and he’s never done ketamine and i don’t wanna push him into doing anything #tw #vent post #giocore

[skadream]

Rudy's Book Reviews: You Will Get Through This Night by Daniel Howell

yeah thats right im gonna be a phannie on main for a second. this is the start of my book review series which i hope to actually folow through with lol. this one ive been listening to as an audiobook but i do have the physical copy as well cuz im like that! next review will hopefully be gideon the ninth so tune in for that, but for now, read this review under the cut:

this book is a practical mental health guide, honestly a lot of it is stuff that you can learn in therapy so like if you have a therapist that you like then maybe its not worth it BUT theres like slim pickins for mental health books that arent just anecdotal evidence without actually talking about what people did to help them get better, just "yea i was sad but then i got therapy ✌️" or books that are so couched in psychiatric jargon its hard for a layperson to get into OR just vaguely inspiring bullshit.

its all written with the help of an actual licensed psychologist person, so no bullshit, no just do yoga and drink water shit (although obviously exercise and hydration and physical health are talked about) and yes he mentions medication and LICENSED therapy if those end up being necessary steps to take with your mental health!!! which again, in the world of self help type books, tends to be rare advice which is DEPRESSING IN A DIFFERENT WAY LMAO.

ofc it should go without saying that a book can never be a replacement for therapy but Considering How The World Is, this book is good for like maybe stepping into learning some coping skills as well as figuring out a plan before, during, and after crisis mode. i would say the tone is more serious than humorous but dan puts a lot of his own natural snarky sarcasm stink all over this book which obv that can be a taste thing if youre not into brit sarcasm mode but as a One Of Those i like it lol

in terms of Dan And Phil™️-isms, theres a sprinkling of cute winks and nods and inside jokes that people who drew sharpie cat whiskers on their faces as teens would understand but Normies will not find to be out of place or anything, there's also some storytimes of like his previous tours or living as a dropout youtuber being stress-inducing and things like that but not a ton which i kinda prefer cuz it makes it easier for me to recommend this book to people who dont give a shit about Phandom Memes

theres an introduction which is kind of a short summary of who dan is, basically just summarizing his youtube videos talking about depression and when he came out as queer and all that fun stuff, if youre a psycho hardcore fan person like me you might find it to be a long and unnecessary read, but if youre someone who didnt know about this guy and are curious as to why he would even write a book like this its a pretty good synopsis.

the american cover has dan's stupid face on it, and as someone who is a big fan of dan's stupid beautiful face, i wish we had the EU version with like tasteful yellow stripes on it bc it looks so nice, but i mean i just keep it on my bookshelf with the spine showing which is just a nice yellow spine with the title and looks unassuming so its not THAT big a deal lmaoo.

in terms of the audiobook, dan's voice is quite soothing and there's all these like audio cues and fitting music which i really like. the only downside is, for example, he reads out this timed breathing exercise that is meant to be like a five minute exercise, but it's not actually timed? so like i want to do the breathing exercises along with him reading it out but he reads it so fast its kinda like bro slow down you said breathe in for five seconds why you going ahead two seconds later homie. thats my only criticism i think obv if you are reading it and not listening you can just do the exercises by timing yourself lol.

ummmm idk if im gonna give a number at the end of these reviews!!! i give this book a big thumbs up!! 👍 woohoo yeah baby i am very proud of dan's current life journey thing that he's going on and i think this is a great book for people who need help which is everyone alive today right now :)

#rudyreviews