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the-record · 5 months

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WHEN YOU KNOW

SYNOPSIS: inspired by ‘margaret’ by lana 🫶

PAIRING: ellie williams x fem!reader

WARNINGS: none

A/N: this is so stupid i LOVE it , love at first sight trope 🧎

ellie didnt mind parties. the people weren’t always great, but it was good to sell and it made her friends happy.

she liked to sit on the couch with a blunt and people watch, dina chatting away in her ear or singing at jessie. abby trying to find her pic of the night with some help from ellie.

but tonight was boring. dina had run away to dance, pulling jessie with her. abby had an away game, states away. she sat on the couch alone, bored now.

and then she saw you. she thanked a god she didnt know existed that abby wasn’t there that night.

ellie watched for a moment as you grabbed a drink, waiting to see if you found a friend. but when five minutes passed and you still stood there, eyes floating around as you slowly sipped, she made her way over.

“hey,” you jumped a little as she spoke and she smiled softly. “shit, sorry. didn’t mean to scare you.” but you shook your head and laughed. “i’m ellie.”

“angel.” she hummed in response, a questioning tone to it. “what?”

ellie clicked her tongue. “angel? that you’re real name?”

“is ellie yours?” she nodded. “huh. well, maybe if you’re nice enough you can learn the real one.” you smiled teasingly at her.

“you ever gonna tell me your name?” ellie’s arms rested on the window frame of your car door. “i thought i was nice.”

you laughed softly and kissed her cheek. “goodnight ellie.”

she sighed and pulled back, a blush rising to her face, and she watched as you drove away from the party. watching even after your car disappeared and you with it.

an arm slung around her and ellie stumbled as she caught dina’s weight. “good god, how much did you drink?”

dina giggled as jesse caught up to the both of them, her coat and his keys in hand. “just hold her while i bring the car around?” ellie nodded and watched jesse jog off.

“who was that girl?” dina wondered.

ellie smiled softly. “no idea.”

yourusername followed you.

elliewilliams followed you.

angel: hey :)))

ellie: hello

e: three smiles??? way to make a girl feel special

a: mmm i try my best

e: nice name.

a: why thank you

a: whats ur weekend look like?

e: possibly busy, possibly absolutely nothing. why, someone wanna know??

a: no…

e: busy sunday night, but free otherwise

a: good.

e: and whys that?

a: ur taking me out friday night? obv.

e: damn ur right

e: mb thats on me

a: yes. so 8 pm ill send u my addy

e: addy??

a: i speak drug dealer

e: goodbye 😭

e: u ever smoked?

a: i hit a vape

e: …

a: once.

e: once again

e: goodbye 😭

a: nvm dont come on friday

e: waijikitjrjrjrjjrjrjr no

e: ill be there

e: 8pm sharp

e: forgive me :(

a: okay!

ellie: oh me oh MYYYYYYYYY

dina: oh lord

jesse: no 🫶

ellie: pls!!!

ellie: GUYS PLEASE

dina: what.

ellie: ur honor i love her

jesse: yall havent been out yet??????

dina: lord.

ellie: STOP?

dina: no 🫶

jesse: mcscuse me thats my line

dina: ull make it

jesse: 😥

ellie: BACK TO ME PLS

ellie: 8pm on friday

dina: NO.

jesse: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

ellie: guys ily PLEASE.

dina: NO??

jesse: sigh.

ellie: HELL YEAAAAAA

dina: JESSE?????

jesse: 🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅

dina: ihy all

dina: why are u bailing on ussddsss

dina: u must really like her

ellie: a LOT.

ellie: idk i just

ellie: ive got a feeling

jesse: when you know, you know

dina: blegh

jesse: UR MY GIRLFRIEND????????

snow was falling outside as you and ellie stood just outside your door. “so.” you whispered.

“so.” she whispered back. “snow. on our first date. seems like a sign.”

“oh yea?” she hummed back. “and how’s it a sign?”

she pretended to think for a moment. “i love snow. only brings good things.”

“oh, so im only good now.” ellie blushed as you teased her

“i didnt say that. you’re more than good. great.”

you nodded. “amazing? perfect?”

“no, not yet.” ellie fiddled with your hands as she leaned against your door.

“oh so whats gonna make it perfect?”

“a kiss.”

ellie: IM PROPOSING

dina: ELLIE STFU

jesse: noo shh let the woman speak

ellie: thanks jesse.

dina: shh jesse.

dina: so that good then?

ellie: SIGH 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠

jesse: oh lord.

ellie: shes so pretty

dina: mhm.

ellie: and so kind

jesse: mhm.

ellie: and a great kisser 🫠

dina: lovely

jesse: when u know

dina: u know.

ellie: i know.

#ellie williams x female reader #ellie williams x you #ellie williams fluff #ellie williams fic #ellie willams the last of us #ellie williams tlou #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams #ellie williams x y/n

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soullessjack · 7 months

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im roughly 65% sure ive made this post before but it rlly does confuse me how almost nobody in the fandom acknowledges Jack’s anger issues or “insane moments” or honestly any of his flaws in general, esp in comparison to the rest of team free will 2.0 and it’s like … what show did you watch. What show did you watch where the guy that attempted to strangle someone in a fit of rage, deliberately tortured a man as brutally as possible before killing him and ate raw human hearts that he himself ripped out of peoples’ chests is somehow always being depicted as the sweet innocent flower child of the group.

and like while this itself isn’t directly an ableism thing, i think it speaks a lot for how any character with autistic traits or coding is perceived as inherently innocent or childlike and infantilized/woobified as such. and look, i get that jack is canonically written to come off as very cute and adorable and sweet on purpose, but literally nobody can see past it on a surface level and recognize that Hey, Maybe The Guy Who Can Throw People Against Walls And Fly Into A Murderous Rage When They’re Too Upset Has A Reason For Being Super Nice All The Time.

idk . I mean this is like one in a million other things about jack that get watered down by the fandom because he fundamentally does not exist to half of y’all as a full character with autonomy outside of being a domestic destiel centerpiece — which itself also confuses me as someone who’s been deeply fixated on him pretty much since his storyline began in s12. And while I didn’t have a tumblr back then in 2017, I did see the posts made about him & I remember even then thinking “yeah I get it he’s cute he’s baby but can we like actually talk about him,” because almost nobody was and it drove me crazy, and to see that that hasn’t changed in the past six years (mind you, I was 13 when he appeared and im 19 now) just. Drives me even more crazy, but also exhausts me at the same time.

it’s like. idk, it’s like y’all are incapable of consuming his character unless he’s been made palatable to you , which for some reason seems to exclusively mean making him a baby or removing his actual personality to the point that even when he isn’t being de-aged, he’s still treated and depicted as a Large Child (which, by the way, is a directly ableist notion many autistics actually face irl!). And of course I can’t force anyone to stop liking baby-jack or stop making content around that because that’s just not how anything works, but at the very least i can ask you all to think a little more critically about why that specific content appeals to you and the harmful implications it carries, and if you’re unwilling to stop making/engaging with that content (which frankly I assume is the case for everyone, but again I can’t stop you) then the very least you can do is listen when someone says “hey this is actually kind of harmful.” thanks

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dwarvenchords · 27 days

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I was tagged by @mossistyping for this !! thanks dude :)

Who is your favourite driver? SO hard to do Logan like this, but Oscar is forever and always my number 1.

Do you have any other favourite drivers? My number 2 spot is a fistfight between logan and lando (but mostly logan, and if we'll count people who drive/have drove but arent F1 drivers, liam and max f are making it a four way fight)

Who is your least favourite driver? while i have my opinions i elect to spread positivity (also people get enough shit already)

Do you pull for drivers or do you like teams as well? I coincidentally love both the mclaren drivers, but i definitely have love for teams, even ones i dont follow very closely!

If you like teams, what team do you pull for? i mean mclaren of course, theyre just so incredibly gen z arent they? williams has some kinda energy to it, like theyre a small team in a big sport, idk i just love the energy they have, it feels like everyone knows each other. Also their driver academy has some of my favorite drivers from different categories (lia, jamie, and luke browning, loves of my life). i really enjoy everything i see from aston and i liked everything i saw from alphatauri when i followed it more closely (aka when liam had a drive there!)

How long have you been into f1? the first photo i have saved (which yes, is of lando) is from july 2 2023, so almost a year now!

How did you get into f1? i was really bored while living in a new city and had been partially introduced to the sport by my family a few months prior. I just had some clips of i think max and daniel show up in my feed and it pulled me in, then i started watching races! i mostly was pulled in by the races, youtube content, and fics!

Do you enjoy fanfic/rpf? of course! im a writer and a reader, and this is the first really active fandom ive been in so its been really nice to have the amount of incredible works to read!! reading stuff from like @fabbyf1 and @hollywoodsargeant really is what pulled me into the fandom in itself so i have a lot to thank fic for haha

How do you view new fans? im cool with any fans as long as theyre not disrespectful to other fans, teams, or the drivers themselves (and yes, theres a difference between wanting accountability and being a hater) (and if you ever say "i hope this guy crashes" we cannot be friends, we dont wish danger on anyone no matter how much we dislike them here)

If you could take over as team principal for any team, who would it be and why? oh god this is so interesting. i mean i would probably end up at haas being an american, which would probably end in me restructuring it. but in a perfect world could i become co-principal with james at williams???

Are your friends and family into f1 as well? my whole family follows it! my mom more than the others, and not as religiously as me, but i love watching her scroll through her instagram feed bc she follows like seven lando fan accounts. she also listens to me scream ab it way more than she probably wants

Are you open to talking to other fans/making friends? NO. kidding, ofc i would :)

tagging @i-am-church-the-cat and @whitewindhowl

#f1 #formula 1

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flockofdoves · 10 months

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well i was in so much pain i called my mom after my doctors appointment earlier crying bc i didnt know what to do and then she drove a whole 2 and a half hours to help me and her and my gf helped me go to the emergency room and a receptionist was so nice walking me across the hospital very slowly bc i was limping (offered a chair but it wouldn't have helped ease my pain) and talking to me bc i accidentally went to the wrong area of the hospital at first.

and then i had to wait so long in so mcuh pain with my mom and gf but i got the surgery i thought i needed and the person who did it was so nice to me and was in awe of how much pain i could stomach (bc its kinda impossible to fully anesthetize for this procedure) and it was so so affirming also because both the surgeon and the person who did my intake were like 'idk why the doctor earlier today said to wait on seeing if you should get surgery for this you really really clearly immediately need surgery' and the surgeon was like 'also the antibiotic they gave you isn't great heres what antibiotic and other drug i think you should take instead' and gave detailed reasons why and just clearly had a lot of experience with my condition and it lined up with everything i thought i understood about it and they commented on how i seemed to be really in touch with my body and that the ultrasound showed that everything was a lot deeper than it already looked from the outside and it was misinformed for the previous doctor to be saying it wasn't bad enough yet or for expecting it to come to a head

and it was just really really helpful to have my mom in the room with me talking about how ive had trouble with this for years and that she knows it must be really bad because i have a really high pain tolerance and never say anything unless somethings really bad and just generally adding things i was too nervous would sound like malingering if i said them myself

the removal was excruciating but now that its been a few hours its amazing i can actually kinda walk and sit and lie down without pain as long as i'm careful

and whats great on top of that is that they told me to keep my referral to the surgeon next week because they said they would be able to give me surgery to try to prevent this from ever recurring which is really really exciting even if this was the worst i've been dealing with this for 7 years now. and i was so worried that it was an either or thing where i couldn't get permanent treatment unless i had an active flare up but when i have an active flare up i just want it gone asap. but i guess thats not the case!!!!

and it was really nice to see my mom she treated me and my gf to dinner afterwards. this was her first time seeing our apartment and im glad it was after we deepcleaned but also glad that she saw glimpses of what living with our roommate is like bc her consoling us about the situation was really appreciated too

#cpost #some of the most horrific pain of my life today but god i'm so glad i'm finally getting some of my long term health problems treated this #year before i have to go off my moms insurance #being sort of vague about what i had going on but i feel like it can be assumed if you have any experience lol. but just beyond the point #of me liking to post

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bigstupiddummie · 6 months

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making a post in the tags to “call out” a person is so dumb and childish and stupid, so i won’t put this in there. however, the admin of @wavehq is full lying on my name these days even though i haven’t talked to them or anyone else involved in there in like 6mos. and i rly want them to stop.

i don’t have my old discord account w ss. if anyone else has ss with me in them, u can add them to this post idc how ugly it makes me look. i talked a LOT of shit ( and pertaining to this story, about sel esp ) and called ppl some nasty names and any ss will incriminate me of that. so me talking shit isn’t a ‘gotcha’ anymore. i talked shit and called sel names, as well as k, and i know sel called me names, and im sure everyone else did too. whatevs.

yk what i never did ? i never made a “manifesto” about my ex friend, or priv-retweeted their personal ooc twitter account to mock them. i never helped create and work on an rpt blog, then went and consoled the person being mentioned in nasty messages in the blog on some “oh im so sorry this is happening to you ˙◠˙” shit when it was them the whole time. the worst i did was “fuck her, he’s a cunt, fuck them”, but dream, you lied to me a Lot!

and you’re lying in defending yourself by saying i “heavily hate” sid or anyone. i never have, never did, never will. the last thing i said to sid in like July was “hey, heres my ooc tiktok, im deleting discord. if i never hear from you again, take care.” and then i left rp and the rpc entirely. haven’t talked to or even perceived any of you in months.

you want to believe i’m “bringing this up now” to start stuff or something, but what stakes do i have in any of this? you and yours drove me out of the hobby i’ve loved since i was 12, used an rpt blog to force me to defend myself against your ugly claims at a time you Knew well and good i was absent and dealing with a family death ( and then came in my dms to comfort me ??? you and k both. ) . i lost all of my best friends of several years. trust me, i want no part of the rpc anymore. i don’t want back in. i don’t want to engage. this is a nothing tumblr account that ill never use again. consider, instead, that another person close to the situation and i shared similar experiences and realized there were too many untruths and inconsistencies to let it rest, rather than just ‘starting stuff’ to start stuff.

“sid says steph crops screenshots to make them look incriminating” aye , but i definitely gave my entire discord login out, more than once, and encouraged my friend at the time to go ahead and look for themselves ( they declined at the time. i can still give the login i really do not care. though idk if the login will work anymore bc the accounts been deactivated for, uh, 6 months.) i cropped ss where earthp members were telling me how K is making them uncomfortable and how they were worried lenny was being dragged around by K, that i did do. and i STILL let k know that that’s what they were saying. i can’t stress enough ive got Nothing here that im fighting for i just think its ugly to lie for so long to everyone

“steph heavily hates sid” i do not. note the last thing i said to sid, up there ^. we did follow each other on tiktok then, and then we didn’t speak for 6 months. as of this morning, we are no longer tiktok mutuals - so it goes. sid never owed me anything. i don’t hate them. they know ( and yk what, so do my irl work managers!!! bc this shit affected my actual real mental health!!! ) that the day things went down, i left work early sobbing full blown emotional episode, writing paragraphs in desperation, to the point of overwhelming them and myself. i loved them dearly, called them my ‘spouse’ and best friend everyday, etc. though i don’t know now if they knew more about you than they let on. anyway……. please don’t just be declaring shit about me like it’s fact ?? i don’t hate anyone. not even you dream! just stop lyinggggg i hate that

ye all made me feel like i was crazy and losing myself in my own paranoia omg??? and ye were in your private chats afterward going “well deserved!!!” who even are you what did i do to you omgggg are we not in our late 20s with lives and careers ?????

if this is all bc of heddie/reddie and avengefm ? its ships dude it’s dolls it’s not real and to commit so much energy and emotion to lying to protect ur ships/rps is troubling at best. and if its not about heddie/reddie, then i haven’t a NOTION bc you and i, even when we were friendly w each other, were not close enough to create a bond to break??? i didnt do anything to you but welcome you into my writing spaces and engage in yours to the best of my ability. i was transparent with you when my activity struggled or i needed a break for mental health reasons… but what you had done with your friends is what ruined my mental health ?… go figure ….

i know who was behind that blog because they came clean and told me your connection to it as well. i know sel said nasty things about me too - we’re human and humans love talking shit. but no one else ever took it as far as you did, dream.

i don’t want anything from you! just stop lying on my name i don’t “heavily hate” anyone. outside of my shit talking from 6mos ago, i haven’t said a word against anyone but yourself; i’ve called you a liar, here in this post, because that is what i believe you are.

nobody in my entire life brings up what happened in everwell more than you and k. i owned up to every part i had ( whether directly or by my unavailability, all of it ), i deplatformed and cut out my two best friends ( people i had had in my HOME and had met IRL they were real people to me!!!!! ) and apologized personally to everyone affected, while picking out a funeral outfit and consoling my crying family. these are all my cards on table. you don’t have to respond either. just omg quit lying about me and the way i feel and what my intentions are - if a mf wants to know what im thinking and feeling, they can just Ask me.

and k i don’t want anything from you either! your names in this post because you were involved, and you know your involvement with that blog and how you also came to console me after. outside of that, i do not think of you and do not care what you think of me.

sid, i don’t want anything from u all either and i meant it when i said if i never hear from you again, take care bc i did care for u lots and also invited you into my home bc you were a real person to me. just know for a fact that anything dream says i’m saying about you or feeling toward you is just pulled out of thin air for whatever reason.

i always thought ye all were great writers!!! and so did snags and lex, way back when it was about writing for the love of writing. i would say all the time “omg dream is so funny” “omg k is cracking me up”, and they’d agree. hell if they’re at all in the rpc anymore and see this - hey guys! sorry shit got so ugly. you’ll never guess who was behind it.

i left the rpc and got mental help. i hope ye can get some help too.

* this is dream bringing sel into the Issues and tying her directly to k, btw. you keep saying you didn’t bring sel into the k stuff, but “they’re besties” “she and sel” “they want peach to drop eddie so sel can pick up eddie” this is where we’re getting that from, bc you keep saying you only referenced sel’s activity and didn’t connect her to k at all. i cropped out sids response. i can add it if need be but it’s just sid believing you.

this is where i’m pulling what im referencing in this post from. the second half is censored bc it doesn’t have to do with me.

this is me texting my irl work manager on the day sid and i last spoke. i was distraught and emotional and crying but ok yeah i “heavily hate” sid when the way everything went down broke me to bits OKAYYY

the censored names are the names of my irl managers like it was So Serious so don’t try putting words in my mouth about sid.

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eggthew · 4 months

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I have 3 episodes left of hazbin hotel. thoughts so far. They're not anything special im just rambling

keep in mind im sleepy and also not present enough to like. be having Proper thoughts. Also I know very little about visviepop/hazbin/helluva, only what's been put in front of me

the premise isnt really anything special. that being said I've seen a lot worse. this isnt necessarily a criticism, you can redo things, but the "angels are the evil ones actually" like I had a supernatural special interest. first time I've seen the "the first woman created was lilith and she rejected adam" thing though. idk i don't watch a lot of religious themed stuff

The main beef I have with the story is like. They have the premise there but theyre not addressing how it GOT to be like that. Theyre only focusing on how they're trying to solve it. Sure charlie is trying to change it NOW, has been for at least a couple of years, but what about before then?? what made her think this way?? When no one else seems to care about redemption? Some world building please. Unless thats been convered by helluva boss but i dont wanna watch a while ass other show to know what's happening.

And whats up with her and her dad, what drove them apart so much, and it seemed like there was nothing connecting them at all and then they were like "im so greatful to have you I always have been"

"Oh but youre only half way through season one of course its not all getting answered straight away" to me it felt like it all got addressed and resolved in one song. Idk. Normally dads and daughters with complicated relationships really get to me no matter what the show is but I was just kinda like eh.

A couple of characters got decent Character Moments, from the top of my head angel, husk, radio guy and other overlord guys, but a lot of the other Character Moments just kinda. didn't feel like a lot. Vaggy im so sorry what they did to you. Both your character development and your name oh my god

Dads wings looks really cool

the character designs are. :/ a lot of them have so much potential, but are either Way Too Much or Way Too Little. please break charlies colours up Please. I like angel's design👍 EXCEPT. he looks nothing like a spider not even a stylised one. commit to the bit if youre gonna have a bit. Where's his spider ASS. and with such varying characters a lot of them sure do look the same. somehow.

I like the songs 👍 very catchy and the singers sounded really good. Idk shit abiut music but it sounded nice :)

art style isnt my favourite but thats just personal preference. Im already getting used to it. The animation was weird sometimes? But its been a while since I've watched an actual 2d cartoon that isnt sonic x and also. Ive heard about the working conditions. I dont blame them. And once again it could just be bc im not used to it and am super tired. Eyes were NOT focusing

Im intrigued and/or fond by a lot of the characters. Once again theres enough there that makes me 👀 but theyre just never explanded on or explored. I get the episodes are short but you cant continue to show some stuff through the season??? show the ongoing battle of video vs radio???

Theres some other story stuff im 🤨 about but im assuminb they'll be explained so im not gonna complain about them. Looking at you, Alistor

As everyone has said very much is like "little kid found out they can say bad words and sprinkle it in to every sentence" I felt like I was in year 8 again abdjdkd

Fun to watch with friends

#egg talks

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c0rpseductor · 2 years

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like sorry to have a. i don’t know. would it be dramatic to call this religious trauma? Well anyway sorry for the moment but like

anybody who knows me for shit knows i had a cartoonishly awful childhood. this is like, me 101. i started to self-harm as a very little kid bc i thought god hated me, so part of my issue is like, i was already mentally ill right out of the gate.

i would learn one thing in church and then come home and be told all the stuff really virulent cruel evangelicals believe, essentially. like at Sunday school i’d hear “be nice to everybody” and then come home and my mom would be like “oh Lestat. you poor fucking rube. God is vindictive and spiteful and punishes anyone he dislikes. Christians think anybody who’s suffering deserves it because God chose it for them. Christianity is evil and full of hypocrisy.” and, I mean, i understand why she had a lot of anger toward it and why she felt like there are no adequate answers for the problem of evil and ESPECIALLY why she thinks vocal christians suck. we live in America, no shit! I’ve seen TV pastors! but you don’t unload that on a kid, and especially not a kid who is also being hurt so acutely that his takeaway is “my parents do bad things to me because god wants me to suffer.” so i grew up, uh, normal

and it frustrates me as an adult because i know what the takeaway is “supposed” to be, or at least what less insanely aggressive christians tell me it is. i get that i got essentially the exact opposite message i was supposed to receive. but not only do i struggle to believe it, but the kind of things my mom used to complain about are the same things i see people unironically lob at other people. like on the adult survivors of csa group ive seen people say “during your childhood, if you felt abandoned, it’s because you weren’t listening hard enough for god. because god was there and your feelings are wrong.” like, it’s their fault? someone has a crisis of faith for one of the most understandable possible reasons and you think they just aren’t trying hard enough? and people will say with a straight face like, act like lgbt people are these subhuman aberrations and god hates them and spit on them because their idea is like, anyone who’s big and strong is who god loves and anyone who’s being hurt and tortured deserves it because god decided that’s how it would go.

it frustrates me so much that my dad like, abused me emotionally and mentally and physically and sexually and drove my mother and i out of our home and treated his whole family like obstacles in the way of his desires and then had the fucking gall to be a born-again Christian about it. it fucks with my head SO bad that nothing bad ever happens to him and he’s so easily able to go to church and uncritically swallow everything he’s told. it just feels like this confirmation that everything is arbitrary and anyone who’s been “picked” by god can do whatever evil things they want but anyone who’s hated can never, ever atone enough for the cardinal offense of having been born, no matter how much they pray or suffer.

and like, idk if i can ever get out of that hole, but it still makes me so fucking sick when people who act like they’re perfect Christians spit on people because they think they have the right to decide who is and isn’t human. because i know that’s the opposite of what they’re supposed to be getting out of it and because it’s disgusting, cruel, arrogant behavior.

#uh ask to tag?#csa ment

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moongoddessmox · 2 years

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ok, Man Candy M update for yall. long long long

last Wednesday I was sitting in my car on break, he came out and was screaming and yelling to his mom (who also works there) about some $400+ charge that came out of his account and he doesn't know what it is, ( I think his wife did it or something idk for sure)

like hes literally about to break down crying yall, I mean, it was fucking gut-wrenching hearing him lose control and be so fucking broken over it. he was so frustrated and upset and hopeless, and he then started to let everything flow and was talking about how he can never do anything for himself, that he cant even get a haircut because his wife wanted to get one, or that he cant even buy himself new clothes. and how his son stole the last of his cigarettes and weed and his wife took the sons side, and he said "no ones on my side" and that his daughter's birthday was the next day and now he cant even get her a present. he was just so fucking broken over it. dude i was about to cry in my car hearing his voice shake like that.

i understand the feeling, i know that frustration, i grew up in it, ive lived it. so. naturally, i wanted to help. because regardless of this little crush, i really do hold him to a high regard, like, hes been nothing but kind to me and i genuinely love working with him and i appreciate what he does because every little thing doesn't go unnoticed.

so i tell Dr. A, who was working the same area as us that night, that i'm going to disappear for a few minutes as soon as my paycheck clears and i need him to cover for me. i don't tell him what im doing, because i want to remain as anonymous as i can so no one is mad or embarrassed by what im gonna do.

paycheck hits, i rush off and get supplies, and take out some money and leave it on his windshield, its only 20 minutes before lunch so im praying that it stays there.

lunch time, we go outside, i wait to see his reaction and HOMIE DOESNT FUCKING SEE THE WHITE ASS ENVELOPE ON HIS CAR.......YALL HE FUCKING DROVE OFF...........im about to shit myself, im on the brink of a fucking heart attack thinking this shit really about to fly off and be GONE

so i have to break anonymity and tell his mother that i put something on his car and he NEEDS to check before its gone.

30 minutes later, he comes back, hes not acting like he just received a large sum of money. im freaking out even more. he doesnt say anything to me. i tell Dr. A, he says something to MCM and he says "no i didnt see anything, my mom told me but i didnt notice anything" but he didnt check so im like "oh my god, brb" and run to check his car. ITS NOT THERE. i come back inside, my heart has a few beats left before its gonna give the fuck out.

Dr. A tells me he told MCM that he NEEDS to find it otherwise he will be extremely upset. so MCM walks the path he took to leave, comes back it and IS HOLDING UP THE ENVELOPE THANK THE FUCKING LORD. it was still in the parking lot praise jesus.

yall, i made this man cry. he couldn't fucking believe it, he was like "you put this on my car? are you serious?" and he started to tear up, he told me he doesn't know ANYONE friends or family that would ever do anything like that at all. and he was crying, his face was all red, and he went on and on ALL NIGHT about how shocking it was and how grateful he is, and how he "didn't know people like that existed"

and im telling him all the reasons why i did it, how great hes been and how kind and how much i appreciate him and what he does (super platonically guys, i s2g i really dont give any reason for them to think i have a crush on him, im not actually a homewrecker) and its like the first time hes ever heard this kind of thing

and Dr. A was telling me he's proud of me and that its good that i told him WHY i did it so he can hear that. and im so glad he had that reaction because i was scared of overstepping but his voice yall, it was heartbreaking hearing him out there, i only wish i could've done double the amount but not on short notice like that.

so now we're all like best friends lmao and Dr. A told me that MCM's mom and wife both cried too, and MCM showed up with a haircut on Sunday as well so im glad he got to use some on himself!

and now we're planning to have a BBQ and get to actually hang out outside of work, and i exchanged numbers with Dr. A and tonight i'm gonna get MCM's number too because we want to have a group chat with the three of us lmao (to talk but also for emergencies because my battery has died twice and MCM jumped it for me and said he'll do it any time so)

today, we weren't in the same area but we took our breaks at the same time and talked outside and shit, and hes so awkward lmao hes like, ya know when youre on the phone and walk around aimlessly, thats how he acts when we talk, its like bashful but hes intently listening.

and when we walked back in together, no one was talking but he turned around and smiled at me, like for whAT HOMIE YOU CANT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT I'LL PASS OUT.

oh and the other day i saw his bicep, his sleeve was rolled up a little and i saw his full arm and it was flexed bc he was carrying shit and yall, fuck me uppppppppppp, arms, hands, bellies, im gonna fucking scream

oh also he was helping me with cardboard and our arms touched, ughhhhhhh sdhfslkjfhsldhl

so yeah, im like, best friends with him now basically lmfao

#rant #mox at work #man candy m #motorcycle m #dr. a

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self-h-rmageddon · 1 month

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ughh

i keep having like? i keep having dreams where my mom protects me and its kind of upsetting me

why is it so frequent? i keep having them where she keeps me safe or says she'll always be here for me, and if its not my mom directly its some motherly figure protecting me. im like GROWN TOO im not a little kid but i always feel like i am, i feel so powerless, helpless, afraid.. and i hide behind my mom because she will keep me safe, right?

this time it was my sister, she was being so fucking mean to me like how she used to, to the point where like. i had to go in this building with her and her bf and she told me to get out of the car real hostile like and i was clearly scared and about to cry and my mom was like hey. we'll go together, okay? and she held my hand and the building? was like this dark like. SOME KIND OF LIQUOR/SMOKE SHOP, it stressed me out and then when my mom came with me it turned into a pretty candy store and she let my sibling get whatever they want but . im too conscious of our money so i didnt get anything before the dream switched

then i was at like? the store owner had these policies ensuring people didnt ABUSE THEIR KIDS in her store, saying like hey. if yr kid tries and steals something, ill catch them, no need to yell at them or get physical. if theyre loud, its alright, theres plenty of other kids here so its probably gonna be loud regardless like. idk it made me really sad cuz that meant she had dealt with it enough to make explicit rules about children being hurt or scared in her building. and immediately my brain knew she was someone i could trust

my family like left but . i got in the car with my moms husband instead cuz i thought they were gonna get in but he drove off too fast and then he was being really reckless and driving into oncoming traffic and shit and it was really scary cuz hes like. ive been in the car with him pulled over by the cops cuz he was speeding before he drives so horribly i feel so unsafe when he drives, and yknow who it makes me think of? my mom, because even if my mom has bad road rage, shes safer than him

the car crashed obviously and i was hurt and scared and i just wanted my mom and i managed to make it back to the candy store cuz it had like a proper daycare section now i guess?? and i dont know. my moms bf was like unhinged and i. ive had too many dreams where im afraid of him, afraid of what he'll do. i made it back to the place and i guess the kids there were also scared cuz they knew he was gonna come back and the lady was like reassuring us and she said that no ones getting hurt here, and that shes gonna do everything in her power to keep us safe

idk it made me feel good that like. even though i was obviously an adult she was still there to comfort me and assure me cuz i was fucking scared, just like the kids were i was terrified and she didnt exclude me from that safety

i think i have mommy issues guys 💀💀 i dont know why i keep having these dreams. maybe being neglected as a child makes you grow up too fast and then you suddenly cant be grown up enough when yr actually an adult. when they fight, i feel so small.. i feel like a child again, listening to violence thru the walls. i wish i could be brave, i wish i could be a MAN, be an adult, but im too scared..

why does my head crave that motherly comfort? i dont understand.. my mom isnt a bad mom. shes an okay mom, not a great PERSON, but an okay mom. shes done a lot for me and i appreciate it, but.. be there for me is not one of them. maybe im sad, maybe i wish i could have a mother that i can say with 100% certainty i love. i wish i could have a mom who was there for me and cared more about me and i wish she was .

she used to be really mean to me, after she kicked her bf out several years ago (got us nothing in the end cuz hes fucking back so whatever) . i think she missed fighting and needed someone to focus her anger on. i remember one time she came into my room and screamed at me for doing something wrong? something i DIDNT do, and then when she found out it was my sibling who did it, i guess she tired herself out cuz she just said whatever

it got so bad that like. everyone knew she was treating me unfairly. my siblings thought she was, i thought she was, and SHE thought she was. that time we were sitting in the car with my sister and she was like yeah im too mean to you, you dont deserve that. and i was just. quiet. what do i say? do i say 'yes, you are too mean to me'? probably not, my sister is my moms number one yes man, if i said anything implying my mom was less than an angel she'd direct her anger towards me. AGAIN. but i cant say no cuz that would be a lie. i just said it was fine and she said it wasnt and that was the end of it. i dont even remember if things changed

or like that time? she called me a disappointment for failing in highschool and when i jsut left, and went and sat in my siblings room, SOMETIMES she feels remorse and she comes and apologizes cuz i think deep down she does love me. but this time? no, she just came in and KEPT going, saying it was my fault and that she doesnt have shit to apologize for. okay!!!! that was when the elections were happening too , thats when she started becoming a worse person, more right wing yknow. its sad watching someone i used to admire dissolve into just.. garbage, yknow? ugh

i almost had a panic attack at my grandparents house one time cuz she raised her voice like. not AT me but i was still there and then my sister started harassing me when i got all quiet cuz i was SCARED and my brother and grandma tried to stick up for me but i just went to the back room and i couldnt fucking breathe. and then later my sister had the audacity? when we went to the park later she was like hey. btw. its not MY fault you were being weird like. whatever, fuck off

i wish i loved my family!!!!! i wish i had a family i was capable of loving. i wish i had a family who didnt hurt me, i wish i had a family that didnt make me feel like.. like im not always safe in my home. ive never ever felt safe, from my earliest memories to my most recent, its just.. carnage. dreadful

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asintoticamente · 6 months

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have you ever gotten scapegoated for something at work badly enough to want to resign? ive watched other coworkers deal with this before me and just silently seethe or spit venom about it for a few days and then seemingly get over it and resume business as usual but it's happened to me now finally and ive just been like 'whatever' while at work but crying all evening at home and not sleeping at night and feel like such a crybaby lolllll. there's no like ???? subreddit for this so it just makes me want to ask other people who have professional jobs if they've ever exp'd it and how they like got over it lol idk

Oooof no ok, not really. But crying for frustration is normal tbh, in my old job like last year at some point i felt under appreciated as hell and ignored and disrespected and so it happened twice that i left work and drove home crying and i was just like. You know what . Fuck this and i quit two months later after finding a new job.

I'm very lucky that i have a degree which is in biiiig demand and also im super like to be trilingual (my french is not perfect but!!!) and so i have a lot of doors open for me, but my philosophy is very much that I refuse to be mistreated and grossly disrespected at work and it's honestly very understandable to say fuck this i quit. Just make sure to cover your bases so you dont end up over your head bc unfortunately its difficult to be able to afford to just take a break.

So in short, i think it's your right to NOT want to get over a gross mistreatment, and you're also not a crybaby for being emotional about it, despite the obsession we have about presenting as stoic and unaffected emotions are good and human actually

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ocean-poetry · 8 months

Text

I wish you were here again

I wish you were here again :(

It's not the first time I've been home since you died, but still, it hasn't been easy

I remember you so much. The things we used to do, the way you used to are for me.

I saw the bench in the park on the hill where you used to smoke weed with Anika. I saw the theater where we used to hang out after class.

They're only a couple blocks from each other! It's crazy how close everything is here.

Farther out, I remember the hill behind the high school that you showed me. Ive been there so many times, but every time I say "death hill" I still think of you

I go there a lot. With people I care about. It's my favorite spot to look at the city at night. I don't know if you ever got to see the view, but it's great! Especially on the fourth of July. You can see like 3 different fireworks show from one spot!

Unfortunately some dumb ass bought the property in front of it and fenced off most of it. The actual spot on the hill with the tree is still there, but I'm sure youd hate it just as much as I do.

What makes me saddest though is when I'm downtown and I see that gazebo. It's not something you ever got to make many memories with me at, though I do remember some.

I remember when we were walking home from the carnival, and we were passing by the park the gazebo is In.

Some creepy guy in his car kept staring at us. It was like 3 am, and there were no cars and he was just sitting at a stop sign. I remember you shouted 'do you fucking want something?' And he drove away. I always admired how brave you were for your friends.

I'm sure if you were with me in college you would've pushed me to meet more. Mind you COVID n all so idk. But idk. You would've told me I keep going, n pushing on. That I'm not alone. I just wish more people said that to you.

Y'know that gazebo was where Danny and I held a vigil for you. We had no idea what we were doing, I just picked a spot n a date. A week past the day of your death.

I was going crazy messaging people, just trying to figure it out. But a lot of people were down to show up. The day of, the gazebo was packed!

There were like 50 people there to honor you! We couldn't all fit in the gazebo at once haha. Your mom was there too.

We took turns talking about you. Telling each other stories that we loved about you. There were so many good ones. People started crying, saying the "flickering of the light was a sign that you were there" and some nonsense. Maybe you were, but I think you would've rolled your eyes at how corny it was.

So many people loved you. Even just people who saw you everyday n noticed you were gone. I loved you. Even when you moved schools. Even when we stopped talking, I still cared. I wore that bracelet you gave me every single day until it couldn't hold itself together.

When it was my turn to talk I couldn't think of what to say. I didn't feel like I deserved to. Honestly, Anika and her mom were there. It was really awkward considering all the drama, but in that moment it didn't really matter.

We both lost a friend, and that mattered more than whatever bullshit happened between us (it was my fault though). She gave me a hug after everyone left and it was nice. I'm sure that would've made you happy. It's just crushing it took you dying for us to make amends.

Even besides Anika, I wasn't even sure what I was to you. I honestly kept thinking we'd go to the fair once we graduated. When it came down to it, Sidney was the one who told me. It was so strange to me.

These people I knew and who barely knew you were sobbing. But no one asked how I was? It was like no one knew that I knew you. But I did!

You were the only one I was still friends with. The only one. And I treasured you. And you were gone.

When it came down to my turn, I didn't have anything to say because I frankly had no idea whether what I felt was even true. Whether I was deluding myself.

That I was just some kid you saw every now n then. But you were my damn best friend. You, Anika, Thayne, Natalie, all of you were my best friends. And I lost all of them, except you, and then I truly lost you.

I didn't have friends that I got to go trick or treating with. Not until I met you guys. You gave me a place to exist, a place to be comfortable.

I was silent before because I was scared that people would accuse me of not knowing you. I was scared because I couldn't talk out loud in front of them. But I can talk now. 5, almost 6 years since you died I can tell you how I feel.

I wish I knew you again. I wish you were here again.

I started smoking weed in college. I wish we got to smoke together. Y'know, all those times I said no in high school, it wasn't bc of you. I was waiting. I wanted to do it when we were older. I just wish I could've known that I wouldn't get the chance to.

You'd love how I've grown up. I wish I could tell you. Tell you about the kinks I'm into, tell you how I think I'm polyamorous. Which I know you'd like. I remember you'd always tell me about your ot3's n that those were your preferred.

I still remember the grin you'd have when you'd talk about gay stuff n yaoi. I remember the shock you n Anika had when I told you I already watched the yaoi you suggested. It was honestly one of the best moments of my life!

I remember your enthusiasm and your strength. The way you'd defend your friends and stick up for them. The way you'd help me out when no one else would.

But I also remember how much you hurt. I remember hearing people who just fucking hated you and I had no clue why. I wish they had been kinder to you. I wish I had known how much you needed help.

I thought you were stronger, that you could tough it out. But you couldn't. I honestly don't think you wanted to kill yourself. I think most people don't want to, they just let themselves get to a point in which they can't stop it. They've either stepped too far off to jump back, squeezed to hard on the trigger, or tied it just too tightly to get it undone. I'm sure you wanted to live, to see me again.

Since you died Ive been living with so much depression. Ive wanted to die so fucking badly. To see you again. It hurts. I've tied ropes around my neck, put razors to my skin, hell I even carved a sliver of my wrist away. But I never let myself go to far. Never put myself in a situation where I can let myself go too far.

And it's cuz I can't do to others what you did to me. To us. To everyone at that gazebo who was aching and crying because of the loss. We fucking loved you. We cared about you. We sobbed until we couldn't, and by fucking god we shouldve done that all while you were alive but sweet fuck I had no idea you would ever go that far.

Were you high when you died? Was it the weed that gave you the courage, or sap you of the sanity? Were you thinking clearly as you did it? Knowing what would happen?

All I can do is hope you weren't but fuck I don't know. You told me we would go to the carnival again. I never heard from you the year after, so I assumed we'd go the next year. Was it me? Was I too late? Should I have reached out?

The worst part of it all is that I know now how you felt. I can feel it in my soul. I hate myself so fucking much sometimes that I can't survive with that pain.

I hate myself for being a loser in college and ignoring my cool roommates bc I was scared they wouldn't like me bc they were the coolest people I ever met. I hate myself for not being able to tell anyone how much I hurt, bc I don't want them to hurt from it too.

This is agony. I hate myself so much, but I can't tell people out of fear that my depression will rub off on them, or turn them away from me.

I'm scared that when I tell them that "I feel so alone sometimes that I want to curl up into a ball and lay there for hours n block the world out" all they'll hear is a cry for attention. Wanting attention isn't a bad thing, but everyone treats it like it is.

I wish I could tell you how much I'm hurting. I wish I could tell you that I feel like I'm following in your footsteps. I wish you could break me out of my loop, to knock sense into me. But you're not alive to.

And if there's one thing I learned when you died, it's that people might care about you, but they won't care enough to say it until you kill yourself. But I need it. I need to hear that stuff. That I'm fine. That people like me and want to be my friend. I'm scared that I'm never going to make any more friends.

I went to college and major in Psychology so I could help keep people from killing themselves. You were my inspiration. The thing that drove me to it. And I am grateful, even if the means was horrible.

But now I think it might have been a mistake. I talk to people and they look at me like I'm an alien. Like I can't talk to them. People somehow expect all psychology people to know how to talk like therapists, so it I ever bring up something I learned people are always like "well uh dipshit if you knew psychology youd know there are better ways to talk about" like okay fucker 1st it I said it that way you'd be more suspicious and 2nd WHY IM NOT YOUR THERAPIST. Okay

I never went to a party in college. I never saw anything. I saw Sylvie though. I think you knew her cuz she was friends with Sidney but she kinda just ignored me. She said she'd text me so we could smoke together sometime since it was my last quarter... but she didn't :(

Maybe I just don't deserve friends. And frankly with the way I smoke and the way my depression is, I doubt I'd make a good therapist. I'd like to do research tho! It's just. Every time I feel decent about my life something comes up and makes me just hate myself.

Sometimes it's hot men reminding me what I'm not. Sometimes it's my friend Patrick reminding me that not only do I have no friends from college, but I also don't have any kink friends from events bc I'm too anxious to go there.

My life feels duct taped together, and though I'm glad with what I did - I'm happy where I got to go to college n that I have an awesome boyfriend - but I'm constantly reminded that all that I've accomplished is just the bare minimum. I should've done so much more. I'm 23 already. It feels like once I finally find my voice I'll be too old for people to care about.

I wish I had friends to talk to like I did with you :( I just wanna go hang out with people who smoke weed. Talk to them about hating myself. Be genuine n honest. Someone who knows how I feel. But idk. I don't think there's anyone out there who'd wanna talk to me about this stuff.

I just. My life feels duct taped together. I don't think I ever told you this, but my dad had dimentia. I should've :( you weren't doing good after your dad died. I was selfish. I figured bc I was fine with my dad leaving my life you'd be fine with yours. But you weren't. N I was probably one of the few people that could relate. N I just never told you what happened.

I wish I could've found someone in college. A friend. To take me to cool parts of the forest, show me where to smoke weed. Talk to me about life, n all the cool parts of the world. Discuss how agonizing it is to exist, n the pains of depression. N the joys of being queer n existing. I just need something like that again.

Something. But I don't think it'll ever happen. Tried making friends with a boy named Johny but he was super closeted n like even when I was graduating he barely wanted to hang out n when we did hed just pretend he didn't know me :(

I miss my trans roommates. They were sick. You would've loved em. Had some of the best styles I've ever seen. It's funny like on the one hand I adore like sapphic style but on the other I was sexually abused by a woman so my view of womanhood is warped. So like. Any desire for womanhood would have been scrapped by it. But still it's cool. Idk what I'm talking about anymore. I'm so confused. I barely talked to em when I was there anyways so it's not like I really deserve to hear from em again..

I miss you so much. I wish I had someone to talk to like you again :(

#my poems #authors note: turns out i was hungry

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xx-neon · 1 year

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june 12th

i wanted to start writing because i feel like itll help me in some way, ive never really said anything i think or feel. i never really say anything at all.

if for some reason someone who isnt me reads this im sorry. itll be a lot of word vomit and just generally unpleasant so maybe dont read all of it lol. im going to try and not use lol beacuse i do that to lighten the mood.

anyway.

yesterday before i went to work i had this really strange feeling. it was this weird sense of nothingness and everything? i feel like thats how people feel before they die. like a weird calmness. i felt comfortable and okay with everything. so i felt nothing really when i googled if hanging yourself hurts, i have a rope and everything but i just wanted to make sure i wouldnt feel any more pain. in my head i thought it would be kinda like a slap to the face if i wanted to kill myself because of the pain and then the last thing i feel is pain ha.

anyway. i got really annoyed when all the results were for the suicide helpline. numbers to call, resources, texting lines everything. i just wanted to know. but then i gave up. as usual.

all day yesterday i was just planning on when id do it. i wanted to pick a good day. i remembered that i have to clean my apartment first, make sure my cat is fed, but then my friends birthday is coming up and i wanted to wish them a happy birthday, and i had plans to hang out with my friend, and then after that i had plans to hang out with another of my friends. i realized maybe im too busy to die and i really didn't want to disappoint anyone. so i just gave up on that thought. (i did see my friends i was supposed to see yesterday, and this guy bought my food and drinks which has never happened before which was really nice)

idk how i got here honestly. ive tried suicide before but obviously im writing so that didnt work. but before was different. i just went for it. i didnt think about it. i didnt plan anything i just went 1,2,3 go. i mean, i know how i got here. myself. if i wasnt such a fucking people pleaser maybe I'd have enough balls to be in a better place.

my ex and i officially broke up last week, and thats kinda where it all started. i know it sounds stereotypical but i dont want to die because of the breakup but because of the feelings that came after it. i really wanted to break up. it was my idea in the beginning. but it took him forever to just say “yeah i dont have any feelings so this is it”. it was like my ego took a flip. ive actually have never had someone say that to me. that sounds really uppity i know. but its true. in my head i thought “after all i did for you thats how you end it?”. and i really ruined my life for this guy. i quit my old job i did hate it tho, moved away from my friends and family, he got into an accident so i used all my money to take care of him and had to take off work, drove him everywhere bc he couldnt drive, etc. and what did i get in return? he cheated on me twice, treated me like shit, slammed a door in my face so hard it broke my glasses, tried to hit me. the relationship was so bad all im left with is alcoholism and an eating disorder. so honestly, good riddance.

he left me in a really, really bad place. i have to figure out where to live now since he just up and left. i dont have enough money to live on my own anymore. tbh i dont even want to write about it since it stresses me out so much. so i wont. ive just been drinking and going out to distract myself. not from him but like i said, the feelings that came after it. i want revenge, i want peace, i want him to apologize, i want him to never do this to anyone, and i just want to die. i dont have people to talk to about this stuff, i do but, i dont want to seem like an angry ex. i just want people to see the hurt that ive been through. i just want someone to tell me its going to be okay. that what i feel is normal. that people go through this all the time. i just want comfort.

im sure if i actually told anyone about this theyd be like “but you have me!! you have your family!! you have people who care about you!!”. and yeah i do. but when youre so far down a hole, you dont see the light at the top, just darkness. and probably dirt lol.

i cried for the first time today. since all of this happened i havent cried at all. my chest has been hurting so much since ive been holding it in. but the reason i started crying was kinda dumb. one of my old friends found me and reached out. he wanted to see how i was doing and what ive been up to. what was i supposed to say? “hey ive been horrible! just planning my suicide and and stuff ya know” but of course i couldnt say that so i just said ive been good. we caught up for a bit and thats when he said hes getting over a breakup that messed him up. so i took the bait and said yeah me too. he just said if you ever want to talk you can always call or text. so i just said thank you it means a lot and that things can only get better i guess. and idk why but thats when i started crying. he said

“theres so much good to come”

its so dumb but i felt like those words were just a giant warm blanket. especially with the head space that im in. obviously i could hear that from anyone. but hearing it from someone i haven't talked to in like 4 years meant so much more.

there are so many people who care about me. ive just been stuck dealing with my ex and only caring about what he had to think or feel. he never really cared about me like these people do. theyre concerned about me. they tell me to eat, they tell me theyre worried about my drinking, they dont want me to be out alone, they want to make sure im okay.

so fuck my ex. fuck him and anyone who thinks hes a good person. hes such a manipulative piece of shit. no one really knows what ive been through. no one knows how hes left me. no one knows about the cheating. no one knows about the abuse. they know nothing. im sure hes talked about me. im sure hes told them how i have a hard time showing feelings. im sure hes told them.. i dont even know. hes probably pulled something out of his ass. and they probably feel so bad for him. i hope they do. and i hope one day they feel just as stupid as i do.

i just had to get my anger out.

but my friend is right i think. maybe there is good to come. ive decided to stick around to find out.

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femfalleen · 1 year

Text

wanted to post yesterday but i was on absolute 0 social mode lol:

i presented femme! publicly! WOW

uhh so we had board game night again and i knew i was in good company so i decided to go in this rly cute linen skirt that goes to my like lower calf i got and a really like..flowy orange shirt that has like lil shoulder holes and this rly cute tie thing down the neck and i even did some really poor wings and smoky eyes HAH

for the first time ever putting makeup on myself seriously (and like 4th time ever overall in life) it wasn't bad ?? but it left a lot to be desired hahaha

so i got there! and wow! getting ready to get out of the car knowing "okay i am not comfortable with this yet. people look at me and expect 'guy' with 'guy clothes and aire and etc' and i kinda... almost didn't get out of the car (i had my dysphoria hoodie over the top since it was chilly but the skirt and striped thigh highs were completely visible). i realized "oh fuck this door IS that gateway. i step out and ive stepped out of the last comfort zone i have right here." and so i took a breath and kinda weighed my options ngl. "do i just take in these eyes and ignore them? abandon the friends i know who were expecting me and with whom i wanted to play games? i can. right now i could literally drive home. they'd all understand and be both sympathetic and empathetic. "

but. i took my fishing glasses off (they hid my makeup from random people as i drove), but on my big circular rimmed glasses and just... got out of the car. there it was. in the normal world ive been in a million plus times and i felt like id jumped into the artic waters.

i am good at ignoring people usually, especially since we're at a point socially that i can just look at my phone uncaringly and seem like "anyone else" and that helped SO MUCH just walking in.

of course the people i knew didn't care and while they didn't say anything like... reassuring, i also understand based on what i know that they probably either didn't want to like bother my possible anxiety (most of them have surely been through the same so why touch a thorn i might also have, right?) and or they weren't even thinking about it (nearly everyone there has been preferred-presenting since i met them and probably way longer, so it's more than likely just natural to them).

when I first had to go to the restroom, i expected it to be as nerve-wracking as the last game night but it... was only kinda? by this point, i was really settled with the people I'd come to see and having fun and even walking out into the hosting building wasn't that shocking? minding my own business and ignoring any eyes that mightve been on me was easy and i guess maybe one thing that helped me go through "being seen" no matter how much it affected / could've affected me was:

no matter how they saw me, the ones who did possibly look at all, whether as a "guy "in a "woman's" top and skirt with "woman's" makeup or as a very masculine looking girl, or as a trans person, or anything more horrid i won't mention, i kept the confidence as best i could that i SHOULD be able to wear it regardless of how i identify, want to identify, or was currently identifying. sure, i *wanted* to be flagged as "girl girl girl in girls clothing walking by" but also being able to just be seen as like.. "wow that guy is so confident in his skirt and top and his poorly done makeup.." was also kinda...? idk! im also fine with that outcome, albeit less.

all through college i discussed with a very progressive friend about what guys "could and couldn't" wear, constantly finding annoying with hot hot my hairy legs were in pants but too cold and shorts and consistently telling her id love to be able to wear capris or something. and her response for the better half of 3 years was always "so just do it?"

and while that's easier said than done, especially in such a strictly gender-conforming society as someone who didn't really accept that the Weren't Exactly Cis-Gender, it always bothered me i kinda "couldn't."

i wanted to. i would've been happiest in capris. they would've let my legs breathe yet keep them cool. i would've loved to be called pretty showing up in something like this linen skirt, or my cute tops, or whatever. but i "couldn't" for fear of backlash. for fear that someone might call me something i didn't like. or treat me in a way they'd never, or whatever else.

i realize clothing isn't gendered physically but it is socially and unfortunately it's not easy to break through that. especially if it feels like "im the only one doing this i can't make the change myself." but it really is sad.

coming out of the game room to the restroom and then back. and the second time. it was unlike anything. only in the comfort of my private life had i been so comfortably dressed, ever. and yet here i was. socially presentable yet infinitely comfortable in my own body - the smallest bubble i could have. and it was warm and fuzzy.

normally wearing traditionally masc clothes is like... cool. clothing. i am no longer naked and allowed to go in public.

but wearing this outfit was something that really made me feel... idk? i *cared* about how i was gonna look and wanted to look like something and i wanted the body that was in the clothing to kinda go with it and that body was mine! and it was feeling good in the clothing and knowing it looked "like this" was like! wow! that's me! *i* am the one looking like i think looks cool! she's me!

but yeah. what a rush. it was... intense emotionally, to say the least...

#mtf #fendiary #trans #january 2023 #january #210123 #220123 #game night #femme

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khodorkovskaya · 1 year

Text

29.12.22

sooo i had the driving lesson this morning and uhhh... i don't know if it went well or not.

at the beginning i was super confident and then... the instructor stopped me and gave his verdict. basically everything im doing is wrong. the way i hold the steering wheel is wrong, i brake too late and, most importantly, i don't ever do the RTI. and i was like huh what is the RTI? apparently it's the number one thing they check for during the exam: you have to look (1) in the rearview mirror, (2) in the side mirror and (3) turn your head before you do anything. you have to do the three things in order every time. and i didn't know that... 😅 i only look in the side mirror and turn my head if i have to switch lanes and that's it. but you have to do it very often.

it makes sense why i feel like i never understand where im going when im behind the wheel. because i only look ahead. and no one ever told me that i have to look around too. and it's so stupid now that i say it. like duhh you have to look around while driving. but i never did bc i never thought about it.

when i went driving with B it was only when my stepdad asked me if my rearview mirror was adjusted that i realised that i could look in the rearview mirror... i drove around for weeks without ever looking in the rearview mirror...... and now it's the same thing. i drove around without ever looking around myself and didn't know i was supposed to do that...

so yeah the instructor said that he doesn't understand how i thought that i was fit to do the exam. he said i don't even have the basics and all i need to do now is do figure eights around the parking lot. he said i need 40 to 50 more hours of lessons before going to the exam. the problem is i only have my student license until april and if i fail i will have to redo theory all over again. and i can't afford driving lessons with an instructor.

so my first instinct was to give up on driving all together. this whole experience has been so painful and i have no idea how everyone does it! everyone ive met had passed their license on the first try and learned to drive in only a couple of weeks! meanwhile ive struggled so much with basically no progress. ive had my student license since summer of 2020 and im still at the level of doing figure eights at a parking lot. like idk i think im just r-word. like i just can't comprehend how people can balance so many things and look left and right and look at the road and read road signs and push pedals and switch gears and steer and quickly react to things all at the same time. like im not stupid, right? but why can everyone drive and i find it impossibly difficult?

in conclusion, my stepdad and i decided it would be best for me to go to therapy bc i have issues i need to resolve to be able to learn how to drive and not struggle so much. maybe im traumatised from driving with B. maybe it's my adhd. who knows. i haven't decided yet but im gonna do either cbt or nlp therapy to help me overcome my mental blocks. bc the struggle is real.

like idk. when i drove for the very first time when i didn't even have my student license, my stepdad told me that i was quite gifted and he was pleasantly surprised. i understood things quickly and progressed very well in a short amount of time. and then i started driving with B. and it all went downhill from there. and ever since i started driving with my stepdad again it's been catastrophic. i cry every time im in the car, i can't concentrate etc etc. and i don't even remember driving with B that much tbh. plus he had a manual! i have no idea how i managed to drive a manual! i remember just wishing for it all to be over and dissociating and crying. and i think that really fucked me up.

so yeah, i have until april to do the exam and i'll try my best and go to therapy to see what's up with this whole driving thing. and if i don't pass the exam then whatever, i'll try again in a couple of years when i'll be better in the head. hopefully.

#december

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weebswrites · 3 years

Note

Heyy! I recently came across your blog and a absolutely love your writing! 🥰

Would it be possible to request an angst hc with the Obey me brothers? So maybe the bros were having a bad day and they lash out at the MC. The MC leaves them alone and the brothers don’t hear from them for hours and think MC just doesn’t want to talk to them but in reality MC got attacked and is barely alive. And maybe MC summons the brother with what little strength they have left so the brother is met with an MC laying in front of them almost dead.

Ah I’m sorry I know this is a lot so feel free to ignore this if it’s too much! Have a good day :D

A/N: YES YES YES I LOVE THIS THANK YOU ANON

The Demon Bros Saving Your Life (this will have swear words and light descriptions of violence so if that makes you uncomfortable read at your own discretion pls I love u guys)

Lucifer

“MC, please just leave me alone” he spat, trying to stay calm but losing his patience quickly

“Lucifer, I’m not letting you shove me away. You can do that to your brothers, but not to me” you insist, remembering your conversation where he said to ignore him when he tried to push you away

“I’ll do what I want to you, human, don’t forget your place” he boomed, so loud your eyes reactively filled with tears

“Fine, do what you want” you mutter at him before storming out, slamming the door behind you

He knew he fucked up, but wasn’t in the headspace to chase after you, so he stayed in his office and worked. He’d apologize later

You ran out of the HoL, just wanting to be out of Lucifer’s reach for a bit. You decide to go to Purgatory Hall to visit Simeon, your best friend outside of the HoL, but take the scenic route there to clear your head a bit and calm down. Before you know it the sun is setting, and figure you should get to Simeon’s sooner rather than later.

“Hey, aren’t you Lucifer’s bitch” you hear from an alleyway, and suddenly you’re just as annoyed as before. But you know better than to engage with any demons that are egging you on like that, so you keep walking

Then you’re grabbed from behind and slammed against a brick wall, hitting your head roughly against the surface

“Fuck” you exhale, vision already blurring

“Think you can ignore me, human? You’re weak here, nothing” the demon drove a fist into your stomach, causing you to cough

“I’ll show you not to come back to the Devildom ever again, filthy human”

By the time he was done you were a bloody mess crumpled on the ground, in the fetal position to protect your vital organs as much as you could, but you felt yourself losing consciousness

The demon spat on you before leaving, laughing as he walked away. Your body was in so much pain, and you felt yourself losing your grip on reality

You could felt your lips moving as your vision turned to black, and your last coherent thought before blacking out was realizing you were summoning Lucifer

“I...summon the Avatar of Pride...” you inhaled as much as you could, but his name came out a whisper, “Lucifer”

You saw his legs appear before you lost consciousness, thankful you were actually able to summon him

“What the fuck” was his first comment, as he didn’t see you at his feet, but as soon as he did he felt his heart shatter

“MC! Fuck, MC. MC?” he shook you very lightly, and when you didn’t respond he went into overdrive. He picked you up gently in his arms after examining where you were most badly injured, as to not make anything worse

He was in demon form from the moment he saw you, wanting as much of his strength at his disposal as he could have. He flew you to the nearest hospital (idk if there’s a hospital in the devildom but there is now) and demanded you be placed in the best care possible, and also made it very clear that he wasn’t going to leave your side

He watched as doctors sewed your wounds closed and put an IV in your arm, unable to take his eyes off their every move. After a few hours, the doctor turned to Lucifer

“They should wake up within a few hours,” the doctor said before leaving

“Thank you. Please mail the bill to Lord Diavolo and I’ll take care of it” he said, figuring that was easier than having to fill out the HoL on paperwork

He was then alone with you, and he scooted his chair next to your bed and took your hand in his, holding it gently

“I’m so sorry, MC” he whispered and pressed his lips to the top of your hand as he tried not to cry

He sat there for what felt like hours, but just twenty minutes passed before he felt you move slightly

Your eyes fluttered open, and you took a moment to adjust to the lights

You felt warmth around your hand, and recognized it instantly, looking to your side and locking eyes with Lucifer

“Luci” you whisper, voice hoarse from not having used it for hours

“MC, I’m so sorry” his voice was soft and you could tell how distraught he was, “I never should have snapped at you, it was out of place and rude and I’m sorry” he rambled on like this for a minute, and you just appreciated his genuine care for you as you listened to him speak

“Lucifer” you cut him off, “Thank you for taking care of me. I forgive you”

Mammon

“Just get a job! Then your brothers won’t shit on you all the time” you suggested. Mammon had come to you venting about how some of his brothers had ganged up on him again and demanded that they pay him back. You were more understanding than you probably should have been with him, but wanted him to be proactive and get himself out of this on his own

“It isn’t that easy! Damnit MC, I thought you understood me!” he snapped, and you decided you should just let him cool down

“Look, Mammon. I’m always here for you with this, but you can’t keep complaining about this and not doing anything about it when there’s an easy solution. I have to go study with Satan for a test we have, so I’m going to go meet him. Text me when you’ve calmed down”

You meant it to be caring, but his mind was clouded, and he took it as you pitying him and running away - his greatest fear

“Fine!” he huffed, turning his back to you

You were saddened by this, but genuinely had to go, so you turned and left, thankful for the bit of time that you knew Mammon needed alone to clear his head

You were walking to the library, in the middle of a text to Satan when you accidentally bumped into another demon

“Shit, my bad” you apologize, but the demon had no intention of letting you get away with that

“A human, eh?” he grabbed your shirt collar and instantly drove a fist to your jaw

“What the fuck” you tried to say, but couldn’t really speak

The demon punched you a few more times, and you thought that they had the strength of Beel with how much it hurt

Your body was tossed to the ground and kicked before being abandoned, and you wished you didn’t take the back way to the library

“I summon the Avatar of Greed, Mammon” you whispered, hoping your words were enunciated enough for the summoning to work

“MC!” he noticed you instantly, crouching down and putting a hand on your arm, “MC what happened. Wait don’t talk, can you stand?”

You began to sit up, which he took as a yes, and he wrapped his arm around you to help you stand

He studied your injured face as you stood, and wished he had the power to heal you instantly

“Come on MC, the hospital is close”

“T-Text Satan I’m not coming” you handed him your phone, not wanting Satan to think that you ditched him

Mammon exhaled a laugh through his nose, “You’re always thinking of others, MC” he commented, “We really don’t deserve you”

You just shook your head, feeling like you didn’t deserve the joy the demons brought you

Mammon stayed by your side until you were completely healed, which took a few weeks. He even signed up for a job with Akuzon DC. It was the most selfless you’d ever seen him, and you thanked him for his kindness once you were healed with a gift card to his favorite store

Leviathan

“Just stop! I get it, you have other friends, I don’t care. Go have fun with them” he snapped. Levi hadn’t slept in about 48 hours and you could tell

“Levi, please sleep. I’ll be back in a few hours” you try to comfort him, but he isn’t hearing it

“Whatever, MC”

You’re hurt by his attitude, but know he’s just exhausted. You turn to leave and plan to head back to him a bit sooner to spend extra time with him (quality time love language lookin demon) (also the avatar of envy but that’s not as funny of a joke so)

You were planning to meet with some classmates to study, but you ran into a demon on your way that had been bullying you for being human for the whole semester

You hadn’t told any of the brothers because you didn’t want to make a big deal about it, but you were worried suddenly what the demon would do to you outside of the school grounds

“Hey, it’s the human” she snarled, stepping in front of you to stop your path

“Sorry, I’m busy” you tried to walk around her, but she had no intention of letting you go unscathed

“Not so fast” she stomped her foot over yours to stop you and shoved you back against a light pole nearby

You felt the cold metal slam against your spine and grunted in discomfort

“Can’t take a little pain? That’s too bad” she said, taking you by your shirt and throwing your body on the road

She kicked your body for what felt like minutes while spitting insults at you, before leaving your weakened body on the ground

You tried to get up once she was gone but screamed in pain, not able to move a muscle

“I summon the Avatar of Envy, Leviathan,” you said, tears starting to run down your face at his name

“Levi, Levi please, help me” you whispered as he appeared

“MC, I’m here” he kneeled down beside you and inspected your body, “I’m here, don’t worry”

“Levi” your hand tightened around his jacket, “Help”

He picked you up, maintaining your position in his arms, and took you to the hospital as fast as he could while keeping you comfortable

He stayed by your side as much as he was legally allowed to while the doctors cared for your torso and x-rayed your foot. After a day or so you were allowed home, and he insisted that he stayed by your side until you were completely healed

Satan

“MC, I’ve asked you eight times to leave me alone, I’m clearly trying to read, can’t you take the hint?” he sighed exasperatedly and waited for you to leave, not intending his words to be so harsh but he figured you’d be fine

You were not fine! What the fuck Satan.

“Fine, screw you then” you retorted and left, slamming the door behind you

He realized that you weren’t fine, but wanted to finish his book. Then he’d apologize. But when we went to your room later that night to talk, you didn’t answer.

“MC, come on, open up. I’m sorry for earlier, can we just talk?”

Beelzebub was walking by, “I haven’t seen them since this morning, they left the house crying” he said awfully casually, “I never saw them come back”

Satan felt the blood drain from his face and he ran out of the HoL, ignoring Beel’s “I’m sure they’re fine now!” from behind him

He barely made it out of the doors before he was summoned, and he was confused before he realized the only way he could be summoned was by you

As soon as he was there he saw you, thrown against a dumpster, barely able to hold yourself up

“Satan” you called, voice weak, and he was at your side in less than a second

He stood in front of you and you got on his back, wrapping your arms over his neck

“Tell me what happened. Who did this” his voice was firm and you could almost feel the anger radiating off him

You muttered a name under your breath before resting your head on his shoulder, trying everything you could to not pass out

“Satan, talk to me. I can’t stay awake”

That scared him, so he walked to the hospital a bit faster, but gently still as to not cause you any extra pain

He started telling you about his book since that was all he did that day, but it ended up turning into a long apology for pushing you away and raising his voice earlier. You would have cut him off but you didn’t have the strength to, so you just listened to his words, noticing the thought he had clearly put into them throughout the day

“Satan-” you started, and he instantly stopped to listen, “I forgive you”

He was silent, a sense of relief and appreciation for you washing over him and he thanked you for your understanding of his anger as you arrived at the hospital

Similar to Lucifer, he demanded you to be seen by the best doctor there was on staff, price be damned. He watched intensely as the doctor checked you out, eyeing them up and down to make sure they were good enough and treating you with the same care he would

Once you were released he had Diavolo send a car to drive the two of you back to the HoL, where Satan had had your room prepared with new pillows (the kind you mentioned liking from his room, as well as new ones of the ones you had), freshly washed sheets and duvet, and a cup of your favorite drink waiting for you (he definitely didn’t bribe his brothers to get your room ready, not that it took much bribing)

In addition, each of the brothers had pitched in to get you flowers and a stuffed animal that you’d mentioned wanting, a few weeks ago. The sight of it all made you tear up, and you wrapped Satan in the tightest hug he’d ever gotten

Asmodeus

“I appreciate you trying to cheer me up, MC, but I just need some time by myself,” he said, and you could tell he was losing his patience

“Are you sure?” you offer one last time before leaving, wanting to make sure he really wanted to be alone

“Yes! I am!” he snapped, and you felt bad for pushing

“Sorry, Asmo. Feel better” you leave and take care to close the door as quietly as you can on your way out

You were having a bit of a bad day yourself, so you decide to go walk around the devildom and let the fresh air clear your head

Which ended up being a bad idea, as you ran into one of the demons that always hit on you in one of your classes.

“Hey, MC, you finally aren’t with any of those idiot brothers” he approached you and tried to touch your arm, but you pushed it away

“Oh, they’re fiesty. I’ll have to teach you a lesson” he spat on the ground next to you and before you knew it he pushed you against a wall and was punching you senseless

It felt like he’d never stop, but eventually it did, and he left you to bleed on the road. You tried to stand up, not thinking your injuries would be that servere, but you couldn’t move. You sighed and closed your eyes, exhaustion suddenly washing over you

You knew you probably had a concussion and some broken ribs, and that you shouldn’t lose consciousness, so you did the only thing you could think to do. You summoned Asmo.

“I summon the Avatar of Lust, Asmodeus” you spoke, and there he was

“MC! Babes, what happened? Where are you hurt” he knelt in front of you and looked over your body

“Ribs...and my head...” you whined, leaning forward for him to take you in his arm

Asmodeus was stronger than you realized, and he picked you up easily and started walking you back to the HoL. “Let’s get you laying down and I’ll call a doctor” he said gently, “Then Satan and I will take care of the idiot who did this”

Until you were healed he was by your side, bringing you anything you even thought of wanting and getting the classwork you missed from your classes

Beelzebub

“Hey Beel, what’s up!” you walked into the kitchen and greeted your favorite demon cheerily

He grunted, usually a sign that he should be left alone, but you wanted some Beel time and figured you’d just be cautious and give him his space

“How was your day” you asked innocently

“Not now, MC. I’m not in the mood” his voice was firm, and you took the message

“Got it, I’ll leave” you said apologetically, and left the kitchen. You were a bit upset by him pushing you away, but knew he just needed space. You decided to walk to get takeout for dinner, and made your way to the restaurant on your own.

That was a mistake. You weren’t even halfway there when you figured later you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time

“Is that a human? Here?” you heard from across the road, and sighed, hoping to get off easy

“Hey, human!” the demons walked over to you and you stopped, deciding to at least acknowledge them so they’d think they could insult you and move along

“Wow, I’ve never met a human in real life before” one of them smirked, “I wonder just how weak they really are”

“I wouldn’t test it, just because I’m a human doesn’t mean I don’t know some demons who would make your lives miserable if you hurt me”

The other demon scoffed, “You’re lying. What demon would befriend a human”

You were getting irritated at the attitude being thrown at you, so you decided to fight back with a little sass of your own, “Lucifer, Satan, Beelzebub, and Lord Diavolo, to name a few” you smirked and crossed your arms

“Bullshit” one of the two demons got in your face, “there’s no way a demon like that would look twice at you”, and before you could begin to think of a comeback you felt a sharp pain in your side

You looked down to see a gash in your side, thankfully seeming to not have hit an organ, but it was still bleeding pretty badly. You didn’t know what to do, but didn’t really have the chance to do much because a few strong punches were delivered to your core immediately after

“Fuck” you mumbled as you crumpled to the ground, and heard the demons laughing as they walked away. You felt yourself bleeding pretty heavily, and knew you wouldn’t be able to make it back to the HoL

“I summon the Avatar of Gluttony. Beelzebub” you said, hoping you remembered how to use your pact correctly

He appeared before you and you let out a sigh of relief, then wincing in pain at your own action

“MC!” he instantly took off his grey hoodie and pressed it to your wound, “There’s an underground hospital close, is it safe for me to lift you or can you walk”

“I think I can walk, but can you keep an arm around me” you ask, and he obviously does

You get to the hospital and are instantly checked in and brought to a care room. Beel holds your hand and lets you squeeze it as tightly as you need as your wound is sewn up, and then the nurses give you pain medication for the next few weeks

You didn’t know the names of the demons who hurt you, but Lucifer found out easily with his many connections, and he and the rest of his siblings, along with Lord Diavolo, made sure that the two demons never so much as thought about you ever again

Belphegor

“Belphie, please let me in” you knocked on his door again, not knowing what had caused him to storm off in the first place

The door opened, but before you could say anything Belphie was talking

“MC, I’m fucking pissed right now, and the last person I want to be around is you” his voice was sharp, and you almost teared up at how genuine his words seemed

“Fine, okay, I’m sorry for trying to help” you responded before turning and running down the stairs from his room in the attic, wanting to give him space but also run away from him

You were going to try not to cry, but as soon as you stepped outside the HoL you couldn’t hold back anymore. Sniffling, you walked to the park nearby to sit at a bench and think. You pulled out your D.D.D. to text Beelzebub and ask him to check up on Belphie, but didn’t even unlock it before someone sat down next to you

You didn’t recognize who it was, and you wiped under your eyes as the demon began to speak

But they didn’t say anything near what you expected. Well, you didn’t know what you were expecting, but it wasn’t to be called a filthy human by a stranger

The demon proceeded to call you names, but you were too mentally exhausted to fight back, so you just sat and listened as they tried to get a reaction from you

“What, aren’t you listening to me? Stupid human” and the demon started punching you. Hard.

You tried to fight back at first, but compared to the strength of a demon you couldn’t really do much. Once you started losing consciousness the other demon left you to sit, laughing at your wounds

You didn’t know what to do, you didn’t want to bother Belphie if he was still in a bad mood, but you needed help. You pulled out your D.D.D. and saw a text from him, reading: ‘MC, I’m sorry. Please come back, give me a chance to explain’

As you couldn’t move, you realized your only option was to summon him, so that’s exactly what you did

“I summon the Avatar of Sloth, Belphegor” you suddenly got nervous, unsure why since you and Belphie were so close, but you knew he’d help you no matter what

“MC? MC holy shit” he sat next to you on the bench and you instantly leaned into him and started sobbing

“MC I’m so sorry, this never should have happen” he had an arm around you

You sniffled, “It isn’t your fault, I was just clearing my head” you reassured him, still hurt by his previous words but not at all blaming him for the other demon’s attack

He brought you back to the HoL and gave you ice packs for the bruises that were starting to surface, making sure you had everything you needed for the next many days until you were healed

--------------------

A/N: This took me longer than I thought it would to write but I also kept taking breaks and had three classes today lol. But here it is !!! I love writing angst hehe so this was really fun

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me headcanons #obey me lucifer #lucifer x mc #obey me mammon #mammon x mc #obey me leviathan #leviathan x mc #obey me satan #satan x mc #obey me asmodeus #asmodeus x mc #obey me beelzebub #beelzebub x mc #obey me belphegor #belphegor x mc

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