#if I'm such a terrible person I wouldn't be constantly helping people with things

[alcorian]

So, I just want to say something real quick about Wilbur Soot and the expectation fans have of all his friends to come out and immediately make statements and drop him. I particularly want to talk about Tommy because i see parallels between his relationship with Wilbur and my relationship with an adult who made me feel responsible for his wellbeing. I am not saying that their relationship is like this, just that based on what we've seen it could be, and we should be prepared to be empathetic and understanding to Tommy in case it is like this.

So some background. Starting at 13 or 14, I had a friend in his thirties who made me feel responsible for his mental health. I won't go into great detail, but I was constantly reassuring him and trying to keep him from killing himself, which was something he gave me multiple scares about. He would disappear and not respond to messages for days or weeks after posting suicide notes on his tumblr... but he was fine every time, just stepping away. Still, it scared me every time, and I felt like I hadn't been doing a good enough job helping him be happy.

I was friends with him from 13 to 16 and I felt responsible not just for his happiness, but his life.

It was so difficult to end that friendship that it took him blocking me multiple times before i could accept that he wasn't my responsibility anymore.

I defended him, let him get away with shit, let him have way more power over my life and beliefs and relationships than he should have. Because i was so toxically attached to him and believed what he told me, I seriously hurt my best friend in the whole world and I will never be able to fully express how sorry I am for it.

I'm saying this because there is evidence that Wilbur and Tommy's relationship contains similar dynamics. Wilbur has said that he relies on Tommy for his mental health. They met when Tommy was, what, 15? That's not healthy. Wilbur is an adult. I've also heard that Tommy has had to talk Wilbur down from suicide. This is extremely similar to what I experienced, and as much as it discomforts me to be seriously speculating about two ccs' relationship off-camera, I can't help but see the strong similarities to my story.

And Shelby's story corroborates this kind of behavior from Wilbur. She also was made to feel like Wilbur relied on her. For Shelby it was about his living situation--she felt like he needed her to take care of him, like he was too traumatized or depressed to take care of his own house and affairs, and if she stopped doing it it just wouldn't get done. And because she is a kind person, she didn't want to leave him like that.

This kind of behavior traps the victim in a relationship with the abuser by making them feel guilty if they try to leave or even distance themselves. It makes the victim feel like they cant hurt or go against the abuser in any way, for fear of blood on their hands, literal or metaphorical. It drives you to defend them, to try to stay by their side even as they prove themselves a terrible person.

So if Tommy isn't immediate and decisive in dropping Wilbur, I think we should be understanding. In these sorts of manipulative relationships, its really hard to speak badly of the abuser, and its hard to accept when others say they're abusive. That's an aspect of the abuse.

It took me until I was 13 to even be consciously aware of my mom doing this to me, and I only became aware of that "friend" doing it when I hadn't spoken to him in years.

This is the sort of thing that is VERY difficult to process and navigate and I think we should give Tommy, and other people close to Wilbur, some grace in navigating it. They should still drop him, but I think we should let them take some time because dropping an abuser who acts like this is very difficult, and they make it so on purpose.

#alv posts #wilbur soot #wilbur situation #abuse cw

[sports-on-sundays]

boulevard of broken dreams / LN4 / Part 1

Summary: Lando x female!reader - Not many people know how true loneliness feels. Not many people know how true love feels.

Warnings: lots of description, angst, mention of self-harm, loneliness, pain, mention of death of a family member, dreams ruined, emotional pain, getting drunk to ease pain, change from 2nd person to 3rd when it felt right, panicking, jumping to worst case scenario, nausea, screaming, confusion, questioning will to live, blood, kind of violent dramatic descriptions. PLEASE do not read if you seriously struggle with some things like this! I would hate to cause anyone to feel more pain!!

Requested?: Mate nah.

Author's Note: I just wanted to write a thing. Listened to sad piano music and Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day writing it. I hope you enjoy. Personally, I'm really proud of this one. Let's hope I got all the warnings in hah! Link to part 2

Sunshine, moonlight, daylight, night light, night life. On, off, under, over, around, on, and off again.

In the middle of your heart, if someone could dig deep down and pick through you, examine you, dissect you, they would find the softest little bleeding bit. But they would only find that after knocking down wall after all of slimy, tough, terribly dark black walls. No one would be able to find the strength to knock all those walls down. And even if they could, you'd never let them.

One can only be vulnerable if there is someone there to have their back.

All the vulnerability is pushed to that one little section of your heart; the most delicate place on earth.

All the pain.

It's impossible.

This road.

This road is made of brick and it's slippery. It's constantly raining. And you're constantly shivering. No one gave you an umbrella, because there's no one on this road to do so. Night after night, this rain beats on you. Your skin degrades away as if you were dead. For daytime does not exist on this road. You forget how sunlight looks. You constantly walk. Never wanting to sleep because the only place is the road. And you hate this road.

Yet it is your home, and any different would terrify you.

The friends on this road are the shadows. Shadows in the night caress your arms and kiss your cheeks, whispering of false realities, forgotten memories, and broken dreams.

On this boulevard of broken dreams.

There's no conscience of the pain any longer. You're so used to it, you're numb. And that's the way it should be. All you need is to survive.

You always ask yourself why. But if you're asking the question, why would you also know the answer?

There is no one on this road who knows the answer, and there never will be. If anyone knew the answer, then they wouldn't be on this road.

Stairways to heaven and highways to hell.

You're on the fast track to absolutely no where.

No one knows this road exists. You're one of the unseen. Most people live on the other side. They don't know this exists. Many of them are good people. They would help. If they could possibly stand it.

If they only knew. There's no way for you to call for help. All you hear is your voice echoing back at you as the dark starless sky closes in on you.

Like a snow globe. Never get in or out. Constant precipitation.

You're always shivering but you never get sick. At least not anymore.

Immunity.

Yes, and no one should be this immune.

No one should be this immune to this road.

Yet here you are.

On the boulevard of broken dreams.

9-5. 5-9. 24 hours non-stop.

Sunday is no different than Monday or Friday or Saturday or any other day of the week.

Money, money, money. Lots of people love it. Lots of people hate it.

Work, work, work. Get in the money to survive another day. Can't feel a thing because otherwise- how do you get through?

You get up, get dressed, get out the door, go to work, come home, get drunk, go to bed, and repeat it all over again.

Forever.

It's amazing how fast hope can be shattered with the cruel bitterness of this unfair world.

"Mama! I'm going to be a superhero!"

"Mama, I'm gonna be a football player."

"Mama! Mama! I've got it! I'm going to be a race car driver!"

And that time, you meant it.

Well, maybe you didn't, because it never came to pass. And your parents knew it. There was no way. Your family couldn't survive without government money.

But how can you explain that to a little kid? A little kid who had been told all her life that if you follow your dreams, they'll come true?

When you hold on to those dreams so hard, it's even more difficult to let them go. When you realized reality, you were ruined.

You were resigned to the fact that because of your position in society, broken heart, especially after your father passed away at a young age, and no chance to do what you dreamed of forever, that 9-5 in pain for the rest of your life was the path you were on.

The fast track to no where.

There's a girl in the corner, in the shadow, that no one would ever notice. High life superstars, and she's missing her heroes. Drunk, drunk, drunk.

She's missing them.

But one of them doesn't miss her.

Despite the crowd, despite the fun, the throng, the laughter, the music, the everything perfect after a good race, Lando sees.

He sees the girl in the corner that no one else ever notices.

"Do you need help?" in the gentlest of tones. He bends down, looking the broken, shell of a person, right through everything and into her eyes. Like he doesn't see the eye bags, the messed up hair, the cuts on her arms, the vacancy. Like he sees beyond the walls. Like he just wants to see the true person who has to be in there. Somewhere.

"Yeah," she murmurs. Her words slur, making it terribly difficult for the buzzed Formula One driver to understand her words. "Can you... get me another drink?"

You wake up the next morning, and as soon as you realize you don't remember what happened last night and you're in an unfamiliar bed and room, you feel your stomach drop. Your head feels like it's about to explode with the extreme ache in it. Nausea wells up and you swallow, filling yourself overflow with utter panic. The rate of your breath picks up, and as your chest rises and falls quicker and quicker, even if you wanted to call for some sort of help (if anyone would even come), you can't. You can hardly breathe, your vision becoming swirling and confusing as you gasp, feeling as if you're going to suffocate. You heartbeat pounds in your head faster and faster, and you realize that if anything happened right now, you'd have no way to save yourself. This sinks more extreme anxiety, and even more when you think of what could have already happened when you were drunk last night. What if you're stuck here, confused and panicking, with some creep who did unspeakable things to you last night-

The door to the room slowly swings open, and you cover your face in your heads, unable to set your eyes on whoever is there, just trying to breathe- stay alive- yet you're not even sure you want to keep living at this point.

"Hey, hey, hey," a soft speaking male voice says. You feel him come closer, and slip on the bed next to you. "Hey, I'm not here to hurt you," he practically whispers. "I brought you to my home, but only because... you were a wreck last night. Listen to me..." He speaks soothingly, but you still don't look up. "Listen. I think you might be having a panic attack, or something adjacent. And I'm here to help you, not hurt you. Okay?"

You nod, staring down. Just one hot tear slowly rolls down your cheek.

"Can I take your hand?"

You hesitate, before nodding. You feel the thin, strong, smooth hand slip into yours. "Breathe with me, okay?" he says softly, then starts taking in slow, deep breaths. With every inhale, he gently squeezes your hand, and with every exhale, gently releases it.

You go on like this, and once you've sighed, confident enough of your safety, you let go of the man's hand and look up at him.

For a second, you stare.

And then it clicks.

And your jaw drops.

"Are you... you..." you stutter in disbelief.

"Yeah, I'm Lando," he smiles.

You stare in shock at the man. "As in, like, the McLaren..."

"Yeah," he grins softly. "And I'll be right back, okay?"

"Lando-!" you squeal with a terrible, exhausted voice crack. Your emotions are so messed up right now.

He comes back and gives you a plate of food, sitting down next to you. You ignore the food for a moment and fix your eyes on him.

"Why am I here?" you ask softly.

"You needed help and I decided to give it."

Your heart pounds in your chest. You exhale slowly. "O- Okay.." These words from him are so strange to you. So unfamiliar. "I..." Suddenly, expected emotions well up within you. Uncommonly. You throw your arms around him and murmur, "Thank you... you're the... this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me in years... And it's you. I must be in a dream... You're one of the reasons I'm still here... I love Formula One... I love... I love you..."

He hugs you back, before gently prodding, "Why don't you try to eat a bit."

You nod and turn to the little breakfast he's made. It's a bit bland, but you're glad for that. You're not feeling nearly at your best.

But at the same time, you're sitting next to Lando Norris.

Bittersweet and confusing.

"Thank you..." you murmur again.

"Of course you can say no," Lando starts. "But can I know your name? What's your story?"

You sigh. What hurt can it do to tell him? "Y/n. And I don't have much of a story."

"Really? Seems to me you'd have a pretty interesting one."

You shrug. "Just another broken life. There are plenty of those out there, Lando Norris."

"Clearly every broken life is important. Consider yourself."

You sigh. "Your story is the opposite of mine. Grew up rich, followed your dreams, perfect life."

There's a certain softness in his eyes. "What were your dreams?"

"Same as yours..." you murmur, your voice cracking. You hesitate, before finishing, "All I wanted was to be a race car driver. Nothing else more than that. And I would've done anything for it. If I could have."

Lando stares. You eat. There's a strange silence, before he says, "Did you kart?"

"For some years. It lasted about one and a half. Then my father passed away, and everything changed. Even more."

He stares down. "I'm sorry..." But then he looks up, his intense eyes meeting yours. He looks even better in real life. "Y/n, your story makes me so sad. I'm so sorry... I... I'd do anything I could to help you fulfill your dream, at least somewhat."

You look surprised. "Why? You have the perfect life. Why do you care? Besides, we both know full well it's too late for me."

He blinks and seems to ignore your last comment, likely because it's true and he doesn't want to admit it. "Because I have the perfect life. You deserve to be in Formula One just as much as me. Yet, we're... Well, in opposite places."

"Right..." You can hardly believe these words.

"You seem like such a... Well, something stole your innocence too soon. There's so much longing and brokenness and love in your eyes but you're just... A shell of the beautiful woman that's inside of you."

You blink. "Why do you say that?"

He murmurs after more hesitation, "Last night when you were drunk, you know what you did? Well you cried and you told me your struggles, yes. But before I was about to leave the room and let you sleep, you looked at right me and you said something like, 'I'm so lonely. Where did my life go? I can't stand this much longer. Sometimes I wish I just had someone- a friend, a neighbor, a boyfriend, a sibling- sometimes I wish I just had someone there for me.'"

You stare, now unblinking, unsure what to feel. It is true, isn't it?

Lando looks you straight in the eyes. Past everything. Into your most delicate, secret spot.

You fight back from letting yourself choke up.

"Y/n, if no one else will do it, I'd ought to be that person there for you. And I'd love to."

Moist and foggy, so nothing is visible. There are echoes of life in the outside world, but not on this road.

For the first time in years, your tired feet have stopped. Perhaps done. Had it with this. They're bloody and twisted from the years of this pain.

Where has the numbness gone?

The rain pours down

on this road

and you can't tell

if those are teardrops

or raindrops

streaming down your cheeks.

Suddenly, you see a light. A light that has found the end of the road that you've been searching for for years.

Don't lose it. Don't lose it.

You could use some company.

As the light nears, it hurts. You double over and fall down in the puddles of the road, screaming in pain. You're so used to the darkness. For years it's all you've known. The light hurts. It's terrifying.

The light comes closer and closer, faster and faster, and panic fills you, realizing there's no escape. Your eyes burn and you sob for it to let you go.

You hate this road. So why do you cry, begging to stay?

You tremble as the light approaches, covering your skin.

But when it reaches you, the expected terror is not what you experience. Instead, it's a feeling unfamiliar to you. Something that only the shadows would taunt you with. But this is it. The real one.

Tranquility.

Suddenly the beating of the rain stops.

You look up.

An umbrella.

And shining eyes.

You heart breaks once again, but this time you mind a bit less.

It's scary, but just what you wanted.

This light, this man, this sunshine.

This sunshine takes your hand and pulls you up. This sunshine leads you off this road. This boulevard of broken dreams.

This sunshine has come in and knocked down the walls.

Seen what's hidden. Stepped away and stepped into your misery. To help you.

A smile so bright.

And for the first time in forever.

You step off this road and you see the stars.

#f1 fanfic #f1 imagines #f1 one shot #f1 #formula 1 #formula one #formula1 #f1 x reader #lando #lando norris #lando norris x reader #lando x reader #lando imagines #lando imagine #lando fanfic #lando fluff #mclaren #lando norris fanfic #mclaren formula 1 #mclaren racing #ln4 #lando norris imagine #lando norris imagines #ln4 fluff #ln4 imagine #ln4 x reader #ln4 fic #f1 angst #lando angst #lando norris angst

[kitorin]

journal.

in which, itoshi rin's midnight writing exposes what he's kept concealed from you.

contents. itoshi rin x reader, 2.878 k words, fluff, angst (in the past), itoshi backstory spoilers (mixed with a few headcanons), 1st person rin pov for a bit (journal entry), regular highschool au

a/n. is this my best? no. but is it the best i have for today? yes. happy birthday to rin <3 after assignments are done i'll definitely rewrite this (i gave up on proofreading)

10 / 09 / 2023 : SUNDAY, 12:04 am - 3:21 am

Solitude has never been a foreigner.

In fact, he's quite a familiar individual, an old companion that never seems to leave.

Even before Nii chan left for Spain, solitude was still there for me. During class I wouldn't utter a word to anyone else unless necessary, and contrariwise for said classmates. People still spoke to me; just not to the extent that they'd know what my favourite foods were, or what I liked to watch in my free time, not even bothering with it. I've never been invited to hang out with anyone after school, or been to someone else's house (not that I particularly cared, I was just sure that I was the only one).

But I was okay with it. I didn't want, or need anyone else when Nii chan bought me ice blocks, giving me the bigger piece as we'd watch the sun's warm hues bleed into the sky; the saccharine iciness contrasting how warm is was to be swallowed by sunlight together. Dad took us fishing a lot, he's always been well acquainted with the sea, taking us to locations well populated by bream; my favourite. On our way home we'd harvest kelp (Nii chan likes it in rice, salted) and take photos together on our yacht, admiring how the sun greets the world farewell, sinking into the aquamarine. Mum makes amazing food, I'm constantly astonished at how she manages to memorise every preference, from my love for ochazuke to being able to pour the perfect amount of tea; the rice never becomes too soggy (even I can't pour the exact amount I like). Solitude was close to me, but my family were closer.

There's a lot I could say about them, they've done more than remember what I love and ensuring I was happy; I'm thankful they've delivered the right for me to be comforted, to have a shoulder to cry on, to be able to freely ramble on about whatever fascinated me.

I've always been happy, even if I'm alone outside of the walls I call home. Because whether I laughed my heart out or sobbed to the point I couldn't form a coherent sentence, I'd always come home running to my family. Nothing can beat dinner; where we all relish mum's food, ask each other about our days' and offer solace or advice when necessary.

I miss that. Terribly, to the point my heart aches.

I knew that Nii chan's departure to Europe (Spain, to be exact) would change a lot. I'd have to score without his guidance, walk home alone and buy my own popsicles. Dinner time would have one less soul to laugh with, and home would have one less to embrace.

I just never expected it to be painful change. I never predicted that his return would result in losing us entirely. I didn't think his homecoming would cause my immortal resentment towards the snow, or how my eyes prickle a bit at the mere thought of an ice block. I'd say it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me, separation from him following it on the list of my worst experiences.

Solitude avoided me at home, but wasn't enough.

One time on the way home, I was overhearing the team's conversations (nothing particularly new really) and it was a discussion about the future. It was honestly surprising to find out only some of us intended to become soccer players; Nagi would rather stream or compete in professional gaming, Kurona wants to study marine biology in uni, and Yukimiya wants to give acting a go along with his modelling career. Even Isagi has a plan for if professional soccer isn't an option. He said he wanted to help others achieve their dreams if he fails to do so himself.

I remained silent as always, but had a lot more thoughts racing through my mind. Retreating to my room immediately that night, my first thought was to lie in bed, to neglect the clips I planned to analyse, to ignore muscle training for today and to slack off a bit. That's when I realized how sad the life I was living. I was sad because I was reminded of my reality.

I'm a mere myriad of distinguished achievements, though a hideous attempt of replicating genius Itoshi Sae. I'm a collection of formidable accomplishments, basking in the spotlight of glory and honour. The trophies and awards adorning my room prove it, standing tall with pride and flaunting my hard work.

That didn't mean anything. I had remained in a constant cycle of training, eating, and sleeping. My teammates were just as ambitious yet still worked hard on other things; Yukimiya enjoys modelling and Reo has a passion for economics, That must've been where I was lacking.

That's how I ended up writing again. It was an attempt to break out of this cyclical torture of constant training and sports.

I don't know how I remembered it, but I found my notebook from primary, all the stories messily scrawled yet legible. Scarlet adorned narratives birthed from child-like imagination, eulogising the prose, even though I almost flinched out of embarrassment.

Flipping through the pages, I had found the paragraph my teacher left me, insisting that I keep writing. Obviously, I never did. After getting into soccer I ignored everything school related, and would've found words on a page foolish anyways.

Many years later, I finally followed that advice.

The end result wasn't pretty. I paused a lot, struggled a lot, and almost gave up, a lot. It may have been hideous, but it was mine. A piece birthed from curiosity and memories from the past turned into another attempt. Another attempt morphed into extensive reading, I wanted to observe what was considered worthwhile or meaningless.

Writing rewove the early nights into late night reading, fully immersed in the author's thoughts translated into prose. Reading was the push to giving academics a go. Academics pulled me out of the endless cycle of soccer, there was more to life than training and diet regulation.

Books I can read. Words I can write. Exams I can study for and sports I can practice. Weights I can lift and competitions I can train for.

But to be loved, is so difficult.

It's not like an exam that you can study for and simply memorise the answers to. Or a match that has the security of a referee and reinforced rules. It's not something that can be guaranteed with a mentor.

People treat Isagi to his favourite whenever he has a bad day (he likes kintsuba). People advocate their favourite novels to Yukimiya and Chigiri, even going as far as memorising their preferences to curate their recommendations flawlessly. It must be nice, for someone to invest that sort of effort in you, even if it's simply remembering a hobby.

As my peers savoured the allure of love, estrangement and desolation constantly haunted me; a pest habituating the sleepless nights where I try to escape with a cup of coffee that's long gone cold.

It's lukewarm, praying for another's attention, care and love, to be hungry for one's time. I pathetically plead whoever manipulating my fate to provide me some sort of human connection. I shouldn't be so hopeful of others, yet I find myself dying of curiosity; what would it be like for someone to remember my birthday? Or tell me about the horror movie they adored?

I despise solitude's clinginess. But I hate how it makes me sob endlessly when no one watches.

I have myself. I have my thoughts which I've transcribed to oeuvre. I have the pile of books resting on my bedside table which sleep alongside with me. I have the trophies and awards I've won, I'll always appreciate my own talent and diligence, even if playing soccer brought me so much pain.

I think I'm somewhat pretty. I find my prominent eyelashes special to me, it's something unique to both me and Nii chan. My physique isn't too bad, either. I like the way my legs look, and my shoulders as I dry my hair.

I've always been proud of myself. I've always been enough and I always will be. Just not for others.

That's why I never expected my bond with solitude to be severed so easily. Especially because of y/n out of all people.

I still don't get how it happened. The oblivion to their presence became a peculiar first impression. An odd first meeting turned into abrupt yet regular greetings amidst hallways. Soon, I was sitting with them in every class, passing notes during tedious lessons and discussing our favourite media on the bus ride home.

Before I knew it, passionate rambles about books turned into watching movies together in my room. Whenever they greeted me their friendly wave was replaced with a tight hug, passing notes in class were accompanied with subtle kisses on the cheek.

Our relationship as friends was reimagined to lovers.

Something must've possessed me to blurt out the stupid crush I had on them, and I thank whatever drove me to do that. As awkward as I was it doesn't compare to the skip of my heartbeat when they accepted my feelings.

It's been almost a year since I met them, yet I still feel hot whenever they hold my hand, and flush red at every compliment they whisper. I still find myself stuttering sometimes whenever they're showing me a new outfit they've styled.

I love the way they smile, the creases of joy that adorn the outer corner of their eyes, and how they squint with glee and the sweet, melodious laughter that accompanies it; how breathless they sound whilst laughing. The expression they wear when deep in thought fascinates me, even if it's midway through an exam or them simply observing a video Bachira sent them. I adore their late night thoughts they text me at 3 am, the fatigue itching my eyes seem to evaporate when I notice their name on the notification. I treasure the notes we've scrawled on spare sheets of paper, they're still in between the pages of my books.

Even now, they're sleeping soundly in my bed, arms wrapped around the plush I bought them; I keep getting distracted by the sight of them so relaxed, chest rising up and down with each breath.

I would die for them. Because now I don't need to pretend to be invested on my phone to look less lonely. Now, I don't need to put my bag on the seat next to me to make it look like I sit alone by choice. I don't have to persuade the teacher to let me do group projects alone, or have to observe others with jealousy. Someone defends me from disparaging comments.

Because now, I'm not alone.

7:15 am

THE ENTRY COMES TO AN END, AND EMBARASSMENT DUSTS Rin's face a faint tint of pink. His eyes avoid contact with yours— as he waits for your input his latest piece.

"Well? What do you think?"

You're not sure where to start. You've always known about his strained relationship with his older brother, and how his friendship with his teammates wasn't the same in the beginning. But he never explained it in detail; you wouldn't've guessed that he had some sort of chionophobia, or even cried because he felt so secluded from others. The thought of him concealing his tears and pain from the rest of the world made your eyes prickle and sends your heart racing miserably.

"Doesn't matter—" He reaches for the notebook, closing it and tossing it onto his desk. "Forget it, you didn't see anything." He plops backwards again, head hitting the pillow and groaning as he covers his face with his forearm. "It was shit anyways, I'll rip it out and toss it later."

"It wasn't."

Rin stays silent.

You lie down, mimicking his current position and cup his cheeks with your hand. "You'll never be alone again—, I promise you that." Your voice falters ever so slightly, the thought of his pain makes you feel weak in the knees and sick to the stomach. "You're more than enough, you always have and always will be. You don't need anyone's validation to be beautiful, you never did."

Rin sighs, "I'm only like that because of you." Yet something seems to throb in his heart, the small but overpowering part of him that insists he requires another's approval to be important— someone finally proving that wrong.

"That's not true."

"Yes it is, our classmates still loathe me, so do people who barely see or speak to me." There was no lie in that; but it wasn't Rin's fault. "Yoichi and the others only spend time with me because of you."

"I was only the push for them to speak to you, you know they've always cared, they were just too nervous to speak to you. As competitive as he gets, Yoichi really admires you, to the point he gets so heated and ends up rambling about your skills." That's a secret that was supposed to remain in your private messages, but Yoichi doesn't need to know.

Satisfaction momentarily appears on Rin's face at the thought of his rival's great respect, though it doesn't last very long.

"He's my teammate so it's expected... everyone I speak to at school seems to have something against me, even our English teacher." The mistreatment at school is undeniable, it's not exactly bullying but there's no respect or human decency in how people behave towards him.

"Rin, love, you've done nothing wrong, hate isn't always rational. There will always be people who can't stand seeing others more successful, and that's not your fault."

"Really?" His eyes light up; despite having a sophisticated and cold demeanour all the time, he looks like a child again, hope dances in his wide eyes.

"Really." Your fingers take advantage of the opportunity and pinch his cheeks gently. "Don't listen to all those stupid rumours and assumptions, idiot. I'd fight anyone who tries to hurt you and win every time."

When your fingers let go he immediately kisses you, and it leaves you breathless; the way he pulls you in flexes his well toned biceps and his hand supports your head.

"Thank you." Rin whispers, pulling away a bit. "Thank you for appreciating me. Thank you for everything." It's a rare occurrence for him to sound so frail, same goes for the tremble of his bottom lip.

"Of course, I love you more than anything."

"I love you too." It's escorted by a peck on your nose, and a soft expression sculpted on his face.

Before Rin can throw a blanket over the two of you again, you interrupt.

"You shouldn't throw that entry away." You still haven't forgotten his initial intention with it. "I don't get why you think it's shit."

"It's rushed. And it's just me waffling on about my feelings and the past. There's no proofreading, and it's rushed. It's not even complete either."

"That's the whole point of writing, no? It's the expression of our words and thoughts." You reach towards his desk to pick up the notebook. "Not everything has to be written in one sitting, too."

Rin doesn't bother stopping you from looking through the notebook at this point. "It's still stupid. It's just that I had the urge and motivation to write in the dead of night."

"Well. I like it."

Rin's stoic expression crumbles, revealing the bashful side he keeps concealed from the world. "Then that's good enough for me." The red on his cheeks tell you that you've won the argument.

You turn back to the entry page, impressed with his barely legible yet pretty handwriting. "You should've slept instead."

"I don't get tired anyways." He's quickly betrayed by the yawn clawing out of his throat.

"Liar. Why would you stay up writing so late... your sleep is important you know?"

"Because you are love itself. I won't get a wink of sleep if it means I can think and write about you instead." Rin's pulls you in again, tossing his notebook elsewhere as he leans in. "I promise I'll finish that entry, no— I'll write a book about you one day."

"Writing this, writing that, sleep first dumbass." A smile tugs at your lips as you pull Rin back into the position you were cuddling in a few hours ago. Even though you were the one who slept a lot more, fatigue itched your eyes, and a yawn spilled out too.

In response, Rin tosses a blanket over the two of you, whispering good night as you begin to nod off a bit. He should rest too, he has training tomorrow and has to go to the gym as well.

The Itoshi Rin from before would've slept immediately. In fact, he wouldn't've stayed up in the first place, let alone date someone. But the Itoshi Rin now instead stares at you, admiring each and every feature of yours. You're his savior, the luminescent moon irradiating his world, guiding him away from the grasps of solitude and embracing him with love instead.

Tagging: @yuzurins (yumi you inspired this fic btw lol)

© kitorin : do not repost, plagiarize, change, or translate

#blue lock #blue lock x reader #bllk x reader #bllk #fluff #itoshi rin #itoshi rin fluff #itoshi rin x y/n #itoshi rin x reader #itoshi #rin #blue lock manga #blue lock rin itoshi #blue lock rin

[beomboomboom]

I Love You Thrice

genre: fluff, angst, drunken confession, childhood best friends to lovers

pairing: Seungkwan x reader

summary: The three times Seungkwan has fell in love with you and the one time it lasted forever.

warnings: alcohol, drinking activities

note: This fic is much longer than I anticipated it to be 😭😭 I hope you enjoy reading it though <33

They say that we fall in love 3 times in our lifetimes. The first is the love that feels right, the second is the love that hurts, and the third is the love that lasts forever.

The first time Seungkwan fell in love with you was when he was 10. Of course, he didn't know much about love at the time; only that it meant kissing on the lips and getting married so that you would be with that person forever.

But Seungkwan felt that spending forever with you didn't seem all that bad, and if it meant he had to kiss you on the lips in the process, he didn't mind that too much.

He was your best friend after all, and he would do anything if it would mean being with you forever. Playing with you every day was something he would never want to stop doing, even when he grew old like his grandparents.

"Seungkwannie~" you call from the playground. "Are you coming to play? We're waiting for you to start our game of tag!!"

Seungkwan brightens up at the prospect and yells back, "yes! wait for me!"

As he runs toward you he can't help but feel that when he's with you everything just feels so right.

The second time Seungkwan fell in love with you was when you both were in high school.

Seungkwan didn't want you to know at first, too scared of the possibility of ruining your friendship with him.

But every time he hung out with you, he couldn't help but wish you were more than just friends. He wished he didn't have to hide his desire to kiss you every time you leaned in closer to hear what he had to say. He wished he could just say "be my girlfriend" whenever you complained about a unrequited boy crush you were having at the moment.

But everything changed when your parents announced that you would leave Seungkwan's hometown in Jeju for a life in Seoul.

Seungkwan was heartbroken to say the least.

When you came to his house to break the bad news, tears flowed down your face, "I'm moving away Seungkwan...I-I can't bear the thought of leaving you."

Seungkwan simply hugged you as tight as he could, as if it could be tight enough to make you stay with him. "It's okay, you'll always be in my heart," Seungkwan says with a bittersweet laugh as tears begin to flow down his face as well.

In that moment, all those months of Seungkwan repressing his feelings seem to release. He doesn't know exactly why he decides to share his feelings for you right then and there. Maybe it was a spur of the moment kind of thing. Maybe it was because he simply couldn't hide his feelings anymore, not when you were pressed against his chest. Whatever the case, he took a great leap of faith and uttered the words he would never imagine he'd have the courage to say.

"I like you. I have for awhile. I know it's a terrible time to tell you but-"

You cut him off with a peck to his lips, "I like you too idiot, I should've told you earlier, but it's too late now." A bittersweet smile passes across your face as you cup your hands around Seungkwan's soft face.

Leaning into your touch, Seungkwan bursts into tears again at the reminder of your move. "I'm really going to miss you, you know?"

You let out a soft smile and hide your face in Seungkwan's shirt, breathing in his scent for what feels like the last time. "I know, just don't forget me okay?"

"Never," Seungkwan promises while running his fingers through your soft hair, something he thinks he won't ever be able to feel again.

In just a week, most of the people in his class wouldn't even acknowledge your missing presence. But Seungkwan will never forget you. He could never forget you.

No matter how much it hurt to live life and constantly be reminded of your missing presence, he couldn't ever let himself forget someone as special as you.

The third time Seungkwan fell in love with you was when he was preoccupied with everything but love.

He had worked his butt off for years to finally get a stable job in Seoul, and at the time he was working his way up the corporate ladder, hoping to get a bit more money into his wallet. This meant practically overworking himself and putting in long hours at work, all for his boss to hopefully notice his hard work.

But, everything changed when you popped into his life once again.

It was a random Sunday afternoon and Seungkwan was just browsing the grocery store shelves, focused on what foods to get for dinner that night. As he was deciding between penne or fettuccine pasta, he felt a person brush past him. Curious, he turned to look to see who exactly bumped into him, only to be met with the back of a girl who felt way to familiar to be just a stranger.

It took Seungkwan exactly 5 seconds to realize who exactly you were. But when he did realize, he felt his lips unconsciously turn up in a smile. "Y/N!!"

When you turned to the sound of your name being called, Seungkwan felt all the air leave his lungs. You were beautiful. The features he had once associated with his childhood best friend had now grown to be more mature.

"Boo Seungkwan? Is that really you?" You ask with a laugh of pure joy and disbelief the minute you lay your eyes on your old friend.

"Of course it's me you dummy. Come on, let me take you to my apartment. We need to catch up on all this lost time," Seungkwan says as he practically drags you out of the grocery store, both your faces reflecting pure happiness.

You and Seungkwan indeed did catch up on lost time. That day, you and Seungkwan spent the whole rest of the day talking about anything and everything at the same time. From what careers you guys were partaking in to reminiscing memories from your childhoods.

In only a few days, you had once again had became part of Seungkwan's daily life. The second Seungkwan got off work you were always there to pick him up, ready to go get some BBQ and Soju where you would proceed to catch up on years of not seeing one another. Then, in the morning after waking up hungover for the 29334 time, Seungkwan would be awoken with a cute "good morning" text from you and some anti-hangover pills on his bedside table.

It was only a matter of time before old feelings began to resurface, and sure enough in only a few weeks of being with you again, it began to occur to Seungkwan how much he really did love you.

He just couldn't help but notice how much brighter his life had become since you re-entered it. No longer was he exhausted at the end of every work day, now he was excited for the work day to end so that he could be with you. No longer did he dread waking up each day to go to work, now he was excited to wake up because that meant he could see you. Frankly speaking, you made his life have motivation.

That motivation being you.

Then it was as if Seungkwan were back in high school again, in denial and hiding his true feelings for you, scared as to what might happen to your guys friendship if he were to confess.

But who knew it would only take one night of Soju to break the cycle.

That night, you had opted out of the daily night drinking after Seungkwan got off work. Mainly because you were fighting a cold, but you didn't get the chance to tell Seungkwan that.

You were only able to let out the words, "sorry I can't go today becau-", when Seungkwan unexpectedly hung up on you.

Truthfully, Seungkwan was disappointed and angry. Yes, he probably shouldn't have hung up so fast and instead heard what you had to say. But Seungkwan felt as if you were blowing him off. So, in response he decided to drink by himself.

In hindsight, this was a terrible and unreasonable choice. One drink led to two, which eventually led him to finish a whole bottle, then another bottle.

And before he knew it, he was suddenly standing in front of your front door at precisely 1 AM. He didn't know exactly how he got there, his mind wasn't exactly processing what was going on, but his feet apparently had a mind of their own and walked to your house.

"Seungkwan? What are you doing here?" Confusion etched all over your half-asleep face after waking up to the continuous beeping of your doorbell.

"I-I-I likee youu. I like you so much, I lovee youu," Seungkwan mutters, his words slurring together, as he leaned forward to try and give you a wet, sloppy kiss.

"UH- Sorry- But, how about we have this conversation when you're not drunk?" You say after pushing Seungkwan's face away from your own.

"whyy~ do you not like me? are you rejecting me? we'll still be friends right? Cuz if not-" Seungkwan rambles drunkly as his face gets pink.

You let out a sigh before saying "Come on" as you lead Seungkwan into your house where he then collapses onto your bed and starts to snore. You silently let out a laugh as you tuck the drunk Seungkwan under the blanket .

"I like you too idiot," you whisper with a smile into the quiet room as you give Seungkwan's puffy cheeks a peck.

When Seungkwan wakes up he thinks he's dreaming.

Across from him, is your sleeping figure, sleeping peacefully as he simply stares at you in shock.

No way.

Tracing your features lightly with his hand, he lets out a fond smile. He decides that if he's dreaming, he's at least going to enjoy this time with you.

You're so pretty in the morning.

As he contiues to trace your features with feather-light touches, it dawns to Seungkwan that this might not be a dream the second your eyes begin to flutter open.

"Seungkwan?" You mutter, your voice still sleepy-sounding,"I like you too, you know," You say with a teasing smile.

"WHAT- HOW DID YOU KNOW I- WHHAT?" Seungkwan yells as his mind gets thrown for a loop. Suddenly he pauses as all his memories from last night come back to him. The soju. The confession. The response.

No. He did not-

But he did.

"Oh my gosh...I-I'm sorry-" Seungkwan starts to say before pausing. "Wait. Did you just say you liked me back?"

You let out a silent nod as you scooch closer to Seungkwan on the bed and whisper into his ear. "I love you Boo Seungkwan."

"Forever?" Seungkwan questions with a teasing but fond smile plastered on his face.

"Forever," you answer as you lean down to give Seungkwan a chaste kiss on his lips.

#seventeen fanfic #seventeen fluff #seventeen imagines #seventeen scenarios #seventeen x reader #seungkwan x reader #seungkwan fluff #seungkwan imagines #seungkwan scenarios #seungkwan fanfic #seungkwan x you #seungkwan x y/n

[featherwingfae]

Gonna try to make this a "Quick post".

(warning some light swearing)

Maybe, just maybe one of the reasons we're seeing so many new Therians nowadays is because humans have fucked up the earth so bad that the universe just went fuck it and threw in a bunch of nature brains to balance things out. People who wouldn't just be able to look at the devastation of wildlife and their homes and just move on like nothing happened. Because they can see themselves in those creatures, and it hurts them to know that they are suffering. And maybe if there's enough nature brains, seeing themselves in the withering world around them, then more and more people might stand up and say this isn't right. We need to fix this. And maybe in a human world where one of the most lovely traits of humanity is being able to work together a bunch of nature brains with human faces can make a difference. They say animals can't speak human. Well they can, and are. Maybe Therians are the voices of nature coming out from the wilds, to places and bodies where they're not comfortable, where the air is heavy with pollution and trash litters the ground. And they have to learn weird shit like math, and work exhausting jobs that are often just to pay the bills that allow them to keep surviving. All so that they can see the damage from the other side and better understand the problem and together find solutions to stop it.

I'm not saying humans (and others) can't and/or dont do anything. I'm saying it's harder to do nothing when you look at creatures suffering and see yourself. Empathy is a beautiful thing. It helps connect us. But in a world where almost no one can afford the barest minimum just to survive. Where finding happiness feels like a struggle because you're constantly grinding and pushing yourself beyond your mental, emotional and/or physical boundaries, how easy is it to just shut yourself off. To put on the blinders because you're stuck yourself and you don't feel like there's anything you can do, so why upset yourself further by caring. It's sad. Terribly sad. Soul crushingly, heart wrenchingly sad.

Most people nowadays suffer from anxiety, depression or some other mental illness. And yes those illnesses are more known and understood now, and are more easily diagnosed. But I think the reason we see them everywhere now, is as simple as everyone is suffering. The human world in its current state, is not a healthy place. Fun times are often merely distraction from the crushing reality around us. It hurts to accept how much hurt there is right now.

I'm not saying it's all on the shoulders of Therians. I'm not saying you have to quit your job or your school and run off into the wild picking up every piece of litter and chaining yourself to trees. That's not what this post is about.

This post is about the increase of Therians and my personal hypothesis as to why there's so many now. And it's as simple as this. One Therian does not shoulder all the burden of the earth. Just as one human does not. But if there are Therians in schools, going "hey look at this little/big guy isn't he cute/cool" showing their friends and classmates"it's so sad he's going extinct because his home is being destroyed" , Therians on trails, streets, beaches seeing litter and using just a little bit of their time to remove at least some of it. Therians in stores refusing to buy certain products because of animal cruelty/testing, Therians manifesting/praying to help even if it's just a little bit, Therians on the Internet/TV spreading awareness, Therians in government actually trying to do what's best for the environment and the people, instead of just what's best for their bank account etc etc.

In reference to that horrible math stuff, a million ones together doesn't equal nothing. No matter how small an act it still adds up to something. Therians everywhere means more people who can't forget, who can't move on, who can't just shutdown and hope for the best. People who feel like they have to do something. So they don't eventually see themselves disappear (go extinct).

The universe and the earth can sometimes have a funny way of balancing things out. Maybe Therians are one way to at least try regaining that balance.

I'm overjoyed to see more Therians. Because I feel like more Therians means more voices for nature, and more chances to save this beautiful planet ☺️✨🌍🌎🌏💚

Anyway that's my two cents. Sorry this post ended up being longer than I intended 😅

And now my fascinating and fantastic creatures, great and small, furry, feathered, scaled or whatever-ed, and all others of open mind who took time to read my ramblings, I wish upon you a most glorious day/night. May we all follow our hearts/souls to do what we feel we can for this magnificent planet. ✨

👁️🪽✨🌟🌱❄️🪻🍀🌎🍄🌹💚🌍🌵🌈⛈️🌠🦊🐁💙

Till next time

#nonhuman #nature #otherkin #therian #therianthropy #stop therian hate #alterhuman #alterhuman community #kintypes #Therians For Nature #otherkin thoughts #alterhuman things #faerie kin #fae kin #Fae kin thoughts #Therian love

[shsl-heck]

One thing that's had me thinking about Amy lately, is the tension between disgust and desire. She is horrified by the immensity of her desire for Victoria, but the shame and guilt over it can only ever make it worse. Fear and arousal, disgust and desire, all of them bleed into each other (we see this constantly in both porn and horror). It's like she has this splinter at the core of her being and she either cant realize or wont accept that the more and more she digs for it to try to get it out, the deeper she's driving it into herself. She cannot remove this without help from someone else. (Coincidentally, not being able to recognize that her attempts to do/be what she's supposed to are only making things worse is also what leads to the Enwretchening)

I'm aware there's a reading of Worm in which Amy's attraction to Victoria is purely an expression of a kind of morality focused ocd, but I personally think that's less interesting. She definitely experiences some level of that (the urge to fuck up a baby she's healing followed by disgust with herself is like a perfect example of an intrusive thought associated with that brand of ocd), but I think this is a case of *and* rather than *or*. My reading of Amy is that of a deeply lonely and emotionally neglected child clinging to the one person in her life that gives her any form of affection, whose attachment only gets increasingly complicated as she starts to grow up and realizes she is attracted to women.

She has never been treated as part of the family, has always felt on some level that she's only playing at being a sister to Victoria, and she is dealing with that during a stage of her life that is turbulent at best for even people raised in a healthy functional environment. There is a broad cultural taboo around sex and desire, but there's a special sort of self-loathing and fear that you're somehow predatory for finding someone attractive that a lot of queer people experience due to the stigma surrounding their sexuality and/or gender. Homoeroticism and attraction is seen as disgusting and fundamentally wrong by society no matter what. It is especially disastrous for Amy because even though she's never been able to see herself as Victoria's sister, she knows she's supposed to, and that adds a whole new layer of guilt and shame to even a passing thought about Victoria being attractive.

Then she triggers. Suddenly she not only has to pretend to be Amy Dallon the well behaved unintrusive family member, she has to be Panacea, the girl who performs miracles. She doesn't even have a secret identity to fall back on for privacy because of New Wave's gimmick. Any resentment about her role, or desire to live a normal life become more proof that she is a sick, evil person; a parasite who has wormed her way into the Good and Heroic Dallon-Pelham family and is eating away at them from the inside-out.

Even as it forces her to repress more and more of herself, Panacea also offers Amy what is seemingly her only chance to be Good like her family. Healing people isn't just something she has to do in order to avoid being a terrible person, but also how she can atone for everything else that's Bad about her. Saving people is a way to try to purge herself of the desire for Victoria, and to prove that she can be a Dallon in more than name.

Like, as awful and lesbophobic as Wildbow's handling of Amy was, there is something deeply compelling and even relatable about her to me. She perfectly captures an emotional state that I've struggled (and failed) to explain as I wrote and rewrote this post. It's the hunger, the guilt, the shame, the fear, the loneliness that settles on your skin like frost as a child when you accept that there must be something wrong with you, because if there wasn't then you wouldn't have to try so hard to be good.

#i am placing my head in a bear trap by posting about Amy like this but here it is #this post has sat in drafts for months #being periodically chipped away at and rewritten a thousand times #but i think this is as good as it's going to get for now #the real takeaway here is that I think Amy should hang out with Green Eyes from Pact #maybe even start a club for girls who are sosososo lonely and disgusted by themselves that they should eat people about it #wormblr #worm web serial #worm wildbow #amy dallon #worm spoliers

[freyjhasdesiredreality]

Tiny Peach (Loki x Reader)

(Credits to GIF owner. I love how it fits to the story lmao)

A/N: Hey loves! I was feeling horrible today and I needed this kind of comfort and it inspired me to write. I'm kind of happy with this and felt a lot better the more I wrote. I hope you'll enjoy! I'm sorry if I have any grammar mistakes!

WC: 930+

Warnings: Pet names, reader is on her period, mention of a shitty ex. Let me know if I missed any!!

It was a cold and dreary day in New York when you woke up feeling a dull ache in your lower abdomen. As you got up to start your day, you realized what was causing the discomfort – your period had arrived. You groaned inwardly, knowing that the next few days were going to be a challenge. What made it worse, the god of mischief, Loki, was constantly on your butt, teasing and pranking you.

Loki had been in the compound for over a year now. Despite his mischievous nature, he had a soft spot for you even though you didn't know. You were so caring and forgiving to him when he first came to the compound. He was secretly grateful when someone finally didn't judge him and actually gave him a chance. So he tried to make you happy by using this greateset area, mischief. You didn't hate his pranks, quite loved them actually. They were even better when he involved you in his plans to prank others. But today was different. The pain in your stomach was terrible. You just wanted to have an easy breakfast and sleep for 5 days straight until your period is over. You hoped he didn't prepare a prank for you.

Loki arrived to the kitchen, a soft smile on his face as he entered the room. He took one look at you. You were curled up in a high chair with a hot water bottle, waiting for your breakfast to heaten up in the microwave. You seemed off, didn't even realised he was there. Your face was pale and you seemed grumpy.

You suddenly felt a presence. You looked around the room to see Loki, standing in the door frame with a concerned look on his face.

"Are you alright?" he asked, looking at you with a genuine concern.

"I'm fine," you replied, trying to shrug off the discomfort. You could see Loki wasn't convinced. He could sense that something was wrong. You knew it was matter of time he would try to read your mind to see what was wrong about you.

"Are you sure? You seem a little bit...off? Has someone done anything wrong to the tiny peach of mine? Was it Thor, you know I would gladly to stab him-" you raised your hand to cut him off.

"No, Loki. Nothing happened. Please let me go back to my bed in peace?" you said, already feeling done with this conversation.

"Oh, I see. Is it the lady time of yours?" he tilted his head, now obviously reading your mind. He reached out to you placing a hand on your shoulder. You felt a warm feeling spread through your body at his touch.

"Yeah," you admitted, can't help but feeling a little embarrassed.

His expression softened. "Ah, that can be tough as I heard. Is there anything I can do to help you my lovely mortal?"

You were taking aback by his kindness. Your ex boyfriend used to find it disgusting so you always hid it when you were with him.

"Don't you find it disgusting?" you dropped your face, avoiding eye contact. You felt his fingers under your chin, forcing you to look at his eyes.

"Why would I feel disgusted by one of the the most natural things on a body?" He looked kind of disapointed. "Is this about that shitty ex of yours?"

You broke the eye contact again and nodded. He took a deep breath, trying to not lose his temper. He absolutely hated your ex, he was so happy when you two broke up. "He was teribble person, peach. I'm not like him," you opened your mouth to object but he stopped you. "I know you don't think that way. I wouldn't blame you even if you did, that's what a trauma does to people. I'm mad at you. I just want to help you, alright? Why don't you go back to bed and I'll bring you some tea?" he smiled, hoping you would accept so he could make you feel comfortable. You nodded and went to your bed, feeling tired a lot.

When he returned to your bedside, he found you in tears, clutching your stomach. Loki's heart broke at the sight of your pain. He sat down on the bed, placing the mug of tea on the nightstand before wrapping his arms around your. "Shh, it's okay," he murmured. "I'm here for you."

You buried your face in Loki's chest, taking comfort in his embrace. "I hate this," you muttered. "I hate feeling like this."

"I know," Loki said softly. "But you're not alone. I'm here for you, and I'll take care of you."

Over the next few days, Loki went out of his way to make you feel comfortable. He brought you hot water bottles and blankets, cooked your favorite meals, and made sure that you had everything you needed. He even went to the market to buy you supplies when you ran out.

As you started to feel better, you realized just how lucky you were to have Loki by your side. He may have been mischievous and playful at times, but when it came down to it, he was a kind and caring partner friend who would do anything for you.

One evening, as you cuddled on the couch watching a movie, you turned to Loki and smiled. "Thank you," you said. "For everything. You've made this so much easier for me."

Loki grinned, pressing a kiss to you forehead. "Anything for you, my tiny peach," he said. "I'll always be here for you, no matter what."

A/N: Likes and reblogs are appreciated! <3

#loki x reader #loki laufeyson x reader #loki comfort #loki fluff #loki laufeyson #loki x y/n

[active-mind-15]

As I am lying down on the verge of falling asleep I have decided to post some Akashi sleep headcanons

Now, I have seen many people speculate what Akashi looks like when he sleeps/wakes up or what his sleep habits are, so I thought I'd get a quick one out of the way before going to bed. Let's go!

Even though he's very prim and proper because of his upbringing, I don't think that reflect in how he sleeps.

Not to say he's a messy sleeper per se, but he's definitely not a scarily neat sleeper where he lies still on his back firmly tucked in and doesn't move.

He seems like a side-sleeper who curls in on himself, kinda like a cat. He's normally not vulnerable when he's awake, but when he's asleep, vulnerable is the only word I can imagine when I think about how he looks. There's a particular innocence to his sleeping form. He only sleeps when his guard is down, and he doesn't have to worry about what he looks like.

Very few people have seen him sleep. I know Kuroko is canonically one of them because in that trip to Hawaii from the Replace Plus novels, Kuroko shared a hotel room with him, but I'm wondering who else might have seen him sleep aside from maybe Mibuchi and Nijimura. God knows.

Something that the fandom can agree on is that Akashi's bedhead is probably terrible, though. Especially since he and Kuroko have such similar hairstyles, it wouldn't surprise me that their hair gets messed up in the same way while sleeping. He usually takes care of it before he actually leaves his room (again, he likes maintaining an image in front of others), so just like very few people have seen him sleep, very few have seen his bedhead. Those who have seen it found it so cute.

I wouldn't peg him as a sleep talker, but I don't think he'd be entirely quiet either. If he's having a dream, I'd like to think he'd make little noises, but nothing super loud. In fact, they're so quiet that you almost might not catch it if you happen to be awake.

He doesn't move around a lot either when he sleeps, but he doesn't stay in the same position throughout the night. He only gets really fidgety if he has nightmares.

Speaking of that, I think that since Akashi is so busy, is frequently stressed, and is probably always exhausted, there will be random periods where he'll get frequent nightmares and sometimes sleep paralysis. During those times, he'll be more irritable during the day due to lack of sleep. (Can you tell I'm projecting with my own personal experiences in high school?)

He's tried to find ways to combat this over the years. Tea helps, music helps, and post-Winter Cup, being open with his friends about what's troubling him helps. Through doing all these things, he's able to sleep better and for longer.

(^^Secret 4th remedy, touch helps. The only person who knows this is Mibuchi because when they travel for games and share a hotel room, he's usually with Akashi. Post-Winter Cup, there were nights when Mibuchi heard Akashi make these sad little noises in his sleep, and Mibuchi felt so bad just sitting there and listening without doing anything, so he kinda just walked over to Akashi's bed and softly stroked his hair, just to see if that would do anything?? And it did! Gradually, Akashi quieted down and stopped fidgeting. And Mibuchi went back to sleep. But he told Akashi nothing about those events that transpired.)

And even though he's an early-riser, it's not by choice. He just has so much to do during the day that he can't help but wake up at like 6 or 7am. But if he has nothing to do the next day, he'd rather sleep in til 9 or 10am.

He's also a slow starter. That's why he gives himself so much time in the morning to wake up. It normally takes him a veeeery hot minute to get out of bed because he's constantly having to play catch-up with sleep since he's always busy.

I would bet he's a blanket hogger. He seems like the type to get cold easily, so when it's time for him to sleep, he just switches to Maximum Coze Mode™ and snuggles under the blankets. On a cold day, it's especially hard to get him out of the blankets.

Lastly, if he ever gets tired and falls asleep in school or something like in the gymnasium, he'll have his arms crossed while he nods off. Since it's so rare that Akashi sleeps, though, Kise tells everyone not to bother him. Eventually, it's Nijimura who discovers him and covers Akashi with his jacket.

#im about to pass out so I'll make these tags quick #kuroko no basket #knb headcanons #akashi seijuro #good night

[honest-moth-of-silver-grove]

hello :] I would like to ask for a matchup if that's okay !! I'm bi so any gender is fine, and I'm okay with a poly answer if you think more than one character would fit.

I'll start with my personality; I'm a pretty laid back person, most people would describe me as shy or introverted which I admit is true, I don't love staying in big groups and I get nervous around new people- with whoever I'm close with though, I'm pretty chill as I said and I love stuff like jokingly flirting or poking fun at friends :P I also think I'm pretty forgiving!!

I dislike stuff like public speaking and dealing with anyone who is too mean because I'm quick to anger with anyone like that and I will Not hold back lol, even if I'm an introvert..

Also, I find that I get along easier with people who are more extroverted than me, if this can help with the matchup !!

My main hobby is drawing, but I'm starting a photography course soon & I hope to get a job in that field..I consider myself a pretty creative person! This is also not much of an hobby but more of just something I like...I love pretty things and dressing up, jewelry, clothes, anything fancy, especially if it's vintage :]

This is all, tried to keep it simple and not too long- if you need anything else though, do tell me ! I wouldn't mind adding information :]

A/N: Okay @mourreon , based on what you told me, I’m thinking you’d be a good fit for a poly relationship with… Halsin and Astarion!

Halsin is a great partner for you! He’s kind, laid back, and has a very reassuring presence. He’s a pretty big guy, something he recognizes is a bit odd for an elf, but he’s not at all intimidating once you get to know him. He’s a big softy, inside and out. 

I know people tend to think of Halsin as more extroverted, and I agree, but I also think he’s a quiet sort of extrovert. He was thrust into a leadership position he didn't want. And although he does well in crowds, he strikes me as the guy who’d prefer not to be in them, especially if those crowds are in the city. 

I think he’d quite enjoy being in smaller group settings with you. Either an evening around the campfire where he introduces you to his party members, or even a nice night in with you and your friends, drinking good wine and sharing stories. 

He loves (and I mean LOVES) how flirty you are. It just makes him all the more attracted to you. He’s a big romantic flirt himself, constantly comparing you to the beauty of nature, so he appreciates the reciprocation when you flirt back with him. 

And he’s very grateful for how forgiving you are. Even though he’s a forgiving person, he’s quite hard on himself. He sees himself as a failure, someone who is unable to stop the shadow curse from conquering his lands. But with you at his side, he can begin to see himself the way you see him, with a loving and forgiving lens. You remind him it wasn’t his fault that he couldn't stop the shadow curse alone. No one could have. It was just a terrible circumstance that he is just as much a victim of. 

Halsin understands your dislike of unnecessary cruelty. He hates people who are mean for no reason. He’s more composed in his response, however. So don’t be surprised if he has to physically lift you and pull you away from some jerk who has it coming. He agrees with you, he just doesn't want you to get hurt in the process as well. Let nature sort out the cruel-hearted. And let him protect you from your just rage. 

Art days! So many art days are spent with you drawing and him whittling. You two even start a tradition where you draw the most outrageous thing you can think of, and he accepts the challenge of carving it and vice versa. The two of you have gotten pretty good at anticipating the other’s suggestion. And it's a great way to spend date nights. 

He loves seeing you all dressed up, especially in florals. He thinks you look gorgeous in every flower crown the community children make for you. 

Although, if I’m being honest, he thinks you look the most beautiful when you have nothing but a flower crown on, if you catch my drift. ;)

Astarion is also a great partner for you because he’s more of a luxury indulgent introvert. He’s rather calm, so long as everything is going according to his plan, and he’s a huge purveyor of the arts. 

He’s not fond of crowds, or of small spaces, which crowds often create. He’s spent much too long picking out victims from large groups to find any solace in them now. So he has no complaints about staying out of the fray. He’s happy you prefer it. 

He’s also very glad you’re a forgiving person. He’s dealing with a lot of trauma and tends to lash out when overwhelmed. He’ll throw fits or insults when he’s dealing with a lot of emotions, so you must have enough patience and forgiveness in your heart to understand that while he heals. 

Astarion likes to tease the people he’s close with, and you are no exception. He loves it when you tease him right back. Your wit makes you all the more attractive to him. The two of you can go all day, playfully quipping back and forth. 

And don’t feel bad about not wanting to speak in public- he’ll gladly do it for you. He has a natural charm and a penchant for drama that makes people listen to him. Of course, he’d prefer not having to do any work speaking at all, but if you ask him nicely, he’ll do it for you. It’s a weakness he knows, but he could never say no to you. 

He’s obsessed with your creative skill. Asks you to draw him 24/7. Hells, he’ll commission you if he has to. Just show him pictures of his pretty face, and he’ll love you forever. I mean, he already loves you forever, but this would make him love you all the more. 

And who says dressing up isn’t a hobby?! Certainly not Asation. Darling, he invented dressing up. He loves to give you lavish dresses and jewelry, asking you to pretty please, model every piece for him. He’ll get all fancy too, and the two of you can pretend you’re lords and ladies having your very own lavish dinner party. 

Poly! Halsin and Astarion:

Of course, if you’d accept it, he’d be very willing to invite Halsin to this special event. And he proudly shows you off, taking the time to explain the nature of every seam and bead on your outfit. Of course, he knows Halsin isn’t all that into clothing, as it’s not as beautiful as the ‘natural’ you. 

So if the three of you so happen to be in the mood, he’ll ask Halsin to come to see you in this latest, vintage, absolutely drop-dead gorgeous outfit Astarion’s put together for you. Halsin is very pleased once he walks in to see you with your hair and makeup done all fancy, wearing nothing but the most dazzling vintage jewelry money could buy. Let’s just say, none of you end up getting a lot of sleep that night. ;) 

...

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#halsin x reader #astarion x reader #astarion x reader x halsin #bg3 imagine #bg3 x reader #baldurs gate 3 imagine #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 #bg3 matchups #baldurs gate matchups #matchups

[solomons-poison]

I'm thinking about friends with benefits with Toji cause that man is constantly on my mind (fem reader, gets a lil explicit)

You two set up this agreement with clear intentions, rules, and boundaries. After running into each other at a local bar, you couldn't deny the chemistry between you two, both in personalities as well as the physical attraction. Scarred and beaten up as he was, Toji was still a hot piece of man if you've ever seen one, and you both just knew that one night together wouldn't be enough.

The first rule was: no feelings (of course). As soon as anything developed, the deal was to be cut. The second rule: limited contact. He wouldn't save your number, and you wouldn't save his. You'd let fate rule your meetings, the occasional meeting at the bar or run-in on the streets being your only way of seeing him, or, very rarely, a mutually agreed-upon date. You both agreed that having the other as a saved contact just further risked developing feelings, and the easier it was to cut contact when the time came, the better. The third: no discussion of your lives. Of course, the basic "how are you" and "what have you been up to" was acceptable, but any other questions were barred. Anything that could make it easier to cut strings was welcome.

You both knew without asking that the other's way of living, be it job or lifestyle, made for a high stress environment and a lot of tension in the body. So you used this deal to work out the built up tension in a more.. productive manner. Toji needed a snug cunt to fit his dick into and release all his stress into. And you needed someone to fuck the stress out of you in the most disrespectful way possible.

Everything was going perfectly. It was no difficulty not adding him to your phone. Of course, there were days where you really wished Toji was there to just rail you against the nearest wall and make you forget everything except the feel of his huge dick and how he stretched you. And sometimes there were days where Toji wanted nothing more than to vent to you about the stupid people he dealt with while pounding you into his couch. But somewhere along the way, or perhaps it was there at the very beginning but it was unidentifiable at the time, the relationship started to change.

At least, Toji noticed a change, for sure.

He’s not sure when the change happened exactly. Maybe it was when he was balls deep in your cunt, folding you into a mating press below him on his bed, and he could closely admire the tears in your eyelashes and the flush on your cheeks. Or maybe it was when he had you bent over in an alleyway near the bar when you two couldn’t wait to get back to either person’s apartment, hearing your muffled cries of pleasure and your pleads for him to go faster, and how he knew that he was the only one that could make you feel like this.

Or, the final straw could have been when you couldn’t stop laughing at a terrible joke he told you while you two were a few beers deep into your rendezvous at the bar.

You were usually pretty honest with him, the only information you withheld being the same information you’d agreed not to share such as deep personal details like your occupations, other people you knew, etc. But you rarely let go entirely, and he was much the same, doing this for your own safety, always on your toes for when things could change or go wrong.

But tonight, the alcohol had helped to loosen you up a little, and for some inexplicable reason, what Toji had said to you managed to absolutely tickle you pink, producing a deep belly laugh that had you fighting to stay on your stool. As you fought to catch your breath, tears welling in your eyes, Toji was speechless. His heart ached at the sound of your pure laughter, and the smile that had lit up your entire face. He knew he was staring at you but he couldn’t seem to look away, at least not until you’d collected yourself enough to notice and question him on it, assuming he had been weirded out by your reaction. He played it off, going along with your assumption and teasing you that you were drunk and that it wasn’t that funny. But Toji realized what the truth was, and he knew what it was he needed to do.

The question now was if he was going to honor your agreement, or throw it all away.

#might need to come up with a new tag cause my thoughts on toji are unlimited #toji x reader #fushiguro toji #jujutsu kaisen #jjk smut #jjk imagines #surprise its soft toji cause im unstoppable B) #nsft warning #toji thirsts #tarren*writes #spicy minx 🔥 #the minx can write ✍️

[maleyanderecafe]

Finding Camellia (Webcomic)

Created by: Jin Soye

Genre: Historical

Maybe it's just because I finished reading a really bad fantasy style story and I'm biased towards crossdressing, but Finding Camellia (or Please Be Patient, Grand Duke) isn't terrible. Granted, there are quite a lot of flaws in it, but it's not a horrible story. The yandere is the male lead, and while I feel like he is a bit light in terms of actual yandere actions, it's enough to at least call him an obsessive male lead.

The story starts out with Camellia being found and taken away from her mother as a young girl. She is the bastard child of the Bale family and was taken in to pretend to be Kieran Bale's younger brother as a punishment for her mother taking away something from her. As such, Camellia is forced to live as Camellius. Soon after meeting Claude, Kieran Bale is brought to a doctor from a far away land to help with his health. As such, Camellius learns her place as the next male heir of the Bale family. After a couple of years, Camellia is determined to find her mother again after completing her deal with Ms. Bale. Claude continues to grow affection towards her, unaware that she is a girl, as well as the prince, Ian, who seems fully aware that she is girl. During this time, Camellia learns that her mother is in a town next door and attempts to sneak there by dressing up as a female, only to be almost caught by Claude. At school, the teachers there as for Camellius's help in catching a criminal that has been killing high class ladies as she's pretty and could pass as a girl (maybe because she is one), and is accompanied by Ian and Claude, who teaches her how to fight with a blade. She is able to help catch the criminal, and her brother as well as Ms. Bale comes back. Ian attempts to wed Camellia, while Claude's father gets assassinated, starting a war between the two sides. The final couple of chapters have Claude finally find out that Camellia is a girl and Camellia gaining a map that shows the whereabouts of her mother.

Starting out, the story itself has actually more stuff going on in terms of building somewhat of a relationship with Camellus and Claude, but I just didn't really mention it in the summary. Callemllus/Camellia as a character is... well, as a character she does have a motive of trying to find her mother, but she lacks a backbone (for lack of a better word) since she does ultimately let people do whatever they want with her. It sort of makes sense as she's basically being blackmailed by the family to pretend to be another heir, but it's not enough for her to be this shy constantly, especially around the male lead. Normally, I do really like crossdressing stories, but for this one, everyone keeps on going on and on about how she looks like a girl. This is a standard trope in crossdressing stories, but it seems to be pointed out by everyone and... feels like it kind of defeats the purpose of crossdressing in the first place. She also does uncrossdress (for the lack of a better word) twice in with little gap in between. The first time is more reasonable since she's going off to find her mom, which of course she would want to look like a girl so that her mother would recognize her, but almost right after she's contacted by the school to (again) uncrossdress to act as bait for people who are killing women. Despite everything, I think she does have some nice characterization for some of the things she does, namely the fact that she feels empathy for those who are poorer than her (in this case the children that are used to lure her into the trap for the murderer), but I wouldn't say she's my favorite protagonist or even that I specifically like her. That might just be a preference thing though.

To be honest, I don't really like either of the male leads, which is not a good sign. Claude is the male lead, so he does have a lot of screen time, but I'm honestly struggling to think of a personality trait for him other than he is a serious looking duke that makes Camellia flustered a lot. Admittedly, he does have more character near the end where his father dies and he becomes forced to become the next Duke at a (relatively) young age, but it seems out of nowhere and used mostly to drive the rivalry between Ivan and him more. As a yandere, he feels a bit on the light side, generally being confused about his feelings about Camellia (as he has the bi panic in why he has a crush on Camellus), getting jealous over her when other guys (mostly Ivan) get close to her and giving threatening looks to people who get in her way, but he hasn't done anything specifically harmful. Ivan does even note that it's not him who is the most obsessed but rather Claude, which does make sense since he keeps on folllowing Camellia around. That being said, it's not very drastic and actually rather light. Ivan, while not a yandere, is very flirty and upfront about his feelings towards Camellia, even continually stating that she is a girl despite her refusal to admit it. He has the air of a playboy type, and is the most interesting male lead compared to Claude, since he does actually plan to marry Camellia (to protect her, in essence) and again has the power to do so since he is the prince. Personally, I like Camellia's brother Kieran the best, because while he is barely there, seems to be a good brother and I like watching him kick out both Ivan and Claude when Camellia wasn't able to.

I would say the best part of this webcomic is the artwork since it is really pretty. The story itself might be kind of wonky, but man, is it pretty.

Overall, it does seem to at least have a light yandere lead, though it's possible that he might get stronger in the future. I guess we'll have to see.

#finding camellia #male yandere #yandere #yandere boy #recommendation #ongoing #webcomic

[crossdressingdeath]

One thing that I find both fascinating and deeply sad in TSatS is that when Will asks if they're going to Percy's house to ask him to come with them to Tartarus Nico says no on the grounds that he doesn't want to involve Percy in it... but when asked why Bob wouldn't ask Percy for help, Nico's immediate thought is that Bob didn't think Percy and Annabeth would help him. Like, that's his one and only theory. I suspect that there's a part of that where... Nico thinks to himself that Bob doesn't think Percy and Annabeth would help so that he doesn't have to think that he doesn't think Percy and Annabeth would help. In other words he's thinking it's Bob who didn't call for Percy and Annabeth because he didn't believe they'd help him, because the alternative is for Nico to say "I'm not asking them for help because I know they would say no and I don't want to face that refusal". And it's not that he wants them to come! If Nico had had his way he would've gone alone, he doesn't want to put anyone in danger, it's just that he managed to find the only demigod as stubborn as he is and made the mistake of telling Will what his plans were. But it's one thing to not want to involve people in something incredibly dangerous; it's quite another to know that if you asked for their help, and in this case their help saving the person they owe their lives to, they would say no. I'm sure they would be properly apologetic about refusing, they do seem to feel genuinely terrible about forgetting Bob (which... good) and "I'm not going to superhell again" is a perfectly understandable boundary to have, but I think Nico just... doesn't want to admit to himself that he was willing to go to Tartarus for Percy but Percy would never do the same for him. Hence him leaving it at "I don't want to make him do this" when asked if he'll ask Percy to help for his sake, but thinking quite openly to himself that Bob probably didn't think Percy and Annabeth would help, because Bob helped them out of loyalty to Nico so it isn't devastatingly sad to admit they'd never do the same for him the way it would be for Nico to admit that Percy would never go to Tartarus for him despite him going to Tartarus largely to help Percy.

Also, it's deeply disappointing that it doesn't come up again later in the book because please for the love of god Rick can we please have a discussion around Nico's fatal flaw being his "will literally go to hell and back for people who he knows would never do the same for him" level of loyalty and not holding grudges, and also how literally the only evidence even his own sister could offer for holding grudges being his fatal flaw was that he's the son of Hades and also was still upset about his sister dying six months after it happened. Now that he's got someone as loyal to him as he is to everyone else (Will refusing to not follow Nico to hell is so good after so long of Nico constantly being prepared to give up everything for others and getting next to nothing in return) it's a great time to get into how despite basically every other POV character going on about Nico being creepy and morally dubious actually his most consistent character trait is being the most loyal character in the whole series (and possibly the whole Riordanverse, honestly) no matter how many times that loyalty burns him.

#tsats #tsats spoilers #nico di angelo #percy is the absolute WORST friend to nico and i WILL be dying on this hill #people are always like 'well that one time nico listened to his father instead of putting percy above everything else' #bitch have you seen the sort of shit nico goes through for percy constantly despite clearly knowing percy will NEVER reciprocate #and without ever even ASKING him to reciprocate #like he very clearly knows that percy was telling disturbing stories about him en route to rome #and he knows percy would never go to tartarus for him #and he is still so willing to throw himself on the sword for percy's sake even when he HATES HIMSELF FOR IT #BECAUSE HE KNOWS PERCY WOULD NEVER DO THE SAME #but people act like he's the problem because one time when he was TWELVE (or thirteen depending on whether you go pjo or hoo for his age) #he made one selfish decision out of both a desperate need to know about his past and his misplaced trust in his father #ONE mistake that percy would absolutely have ALSO made in his position #(look me in the eye and tell me percy wouldn't have brought nico STRAIGHT to poseidon #if poseidon said it was the only way to learn something important about sally) #and people act like percy has every reason to treat nico like a useful tool at BEST for FOUR YEARS #INCLUDING BEFORE THE HADES INCIDENT #NICO ABSOLUTELY WENT TO A HUGE AMOUNT OF EFFORT TO FIND THE CURSE OF ACHILLES TO SAVE PERCY'S LIFE #AND PERCY BASICALLY LEAVES HIM HANGING WITHOUT AN ANSWER FOR A YEAR #DID HE EVEN THANK NICO FOR DOING THAT? I DON'T THINK HE DID! #but no this twelve year old trusting the only adult support he has is the REAL problem #anyway i continue to be mad about people giving percy the protective older sibling role in nico's life #when that is in no way their canon dynamic and belongs more to jason and reyna #why do you ask

[rhoorl]

Personal stuff under the cut

TW body image issues

TLDR: Someone asked if I was pregnant today - I'm not, I just carry my weight in my midsection. This is the spiral that ensued.

Soooo today was fun. Aside from it being kind of a crazy day at work (seriously how is it only Tuesday?!), I had a bit of a rough encounter that has stayed with me all day. Normally, I wouldn't share something like this so openly. I may end up deleting this, but writing has helped me process things before so why not do it with this, right?

Earlier today I was talking with someone at work. It was our first time meeting in person. We were making small talk before heading into our meeting and as we walked to the room she turned to me and motioned to my stomach with a smile and mouthed, "Oh my gosh, are you pregnant?" I quickly shook my head and I could tell she instantly felt terrible. I don't have any ill will towards this person, I know she didn't mean any harm by it, but it's just annoying that people feel it is ok to comment on another person's body.

This isn't the first time this has happened to me in my life and usually, my first reaction is to try and not make the other person feel bad or awkward (although there have been a few times I've clapped back). But, on the whole, I'm not one for confrontation and want to just move past it and not acknowledge it, which is what I did here. I switched the subject and she didn't say anything else about it.

This particular encounter has really stung. I've struggled with my weight my whole life and have only recently started to process how images and media from early on in my life really affected me. Like I remember being in middle school drinking Slim Fast or being in high school and substituting two meals a day for some Special K cereal.... seriously what the fuck?!

While I always struggled, I still managed to work out. When I moved to Florida I took up running and actually got pretty fit (for me). I felt strong and loved being active. It was a fun activity my husband and I would do together.

Then I got pregnant. I stayed really active during my pregnancy, heck, I was walking around Disney at eight months pregnant! I had to have an unexpected C-section which really threw my body for a loop (on top of being given a newborn and trying to figure out breastfeeding).

Anyways, it's been two years and the last two years have been hard. I've struggled on and off with some postpartum blues and just general anxiety which leaves me feeling really overwhelmed a lot of times and my physical health has taken a back seat. As a result, I have put on some weight (which adds stress, it's a never-ending cycle).

I know I'm rambling but the comment today really hit home because I know I've gained weight, I know my clothes don't fit the same (or at all), and that makes me sad. Not because I want to conform to someone else's expectations or vision. It's because I know I feel better when I'm active and I miss it.

My immediate reaction today was to do something on both ends of the spectrum related to pretty negative eating-related behavior. (Which I didn't do). I mostly just wanted to leave work and go cry in my car. In the past, comments like this have spurned me on to try and lose weight or eat healthier, but today it left me feeling really defeated.

Again, I'm not sure where I'm going with this so if you've made it this far...thanks. At the end of the day, I just want to be a healthy role model for my daughter. I've modeled some pretty unhealthy behaviors and negative self-talk thanks to my mom and family (is it just a Hispanic thing for people to constantly tell you you've gained weight when they see you?). I don't want to pass that along to her and I'm thankful there is much more body positivity now.

Thanks for letting me vent. This was a bit therapeutic. And thank you to those who helped put a smile on my face today, it was greatly needed.

XOXO

J

#tw: long post #tw: body image #tw: body insecurity #tw: postpartum

[tadpolejourney]

Day 13

Shadowheart was pretty fucking harsh to me this morning about taking the tadpole power. I was going to apologize to her about standing her up last night, but she'd probably try to club me to death if I did that. She hates me now, I think. If that is the case I fucking deserve it.

Wyll expressed similar disgust with me. Thanks, buddy. Heard you loud and clear. Sarcasm aside, he's been very morose and withdrawn since Mizora punished him and I can understand that even if I have no idea how he feels. I'm doing my best to not take today's comment from him personally. It's not going well, but I'm trying.

It seems Gale, Astarion, and I will be the only ones consuming any other tadpole powers we find until we get to Moonrise and cure ourselves. More for us, I guess.

So Lae'zel and Astarion are banging now. That's a thing. Or at least they did last night and Lae'zel wants to go back for more. I can't help but feel like I encouraged that by rejecting them both. I know they each propositioned me first, after all. But they also know I won't tell anyone else that... Astarion didn't tell anyone, purposely. The two of them were definitely very stealthy about it, and I would not have known it actually happened unless someone told me. So I bet he thought Lae'zel would be silent too. She wasn't. At least not to me. The final litmus test to measure my regret. Sorry, Lae'zel, I don't regret turning you down.

Halsin and I spoke for a long time this morning. I apologized for coming on too strongly last night. He let me know in other circumstances it would be, as Gale would say, 'Most welcome'. I told him to forget it ever happened. He told me about a shadow curse on the lands leading to Moonrise, which is also the path to Baldur's Gate from here. He knew about this but he let the tieflings go? I didn't ask, because somehow I think he didn't even think about it. I think he failed to make the connection entirely. I refuse to believe he would be that malicious, because I truly don't think he is. I know I haven't known him for very long, but he has had many opportunities to be an asshole already, and he's only ever been kind in a way that feels genuine. I think he has a good heart, and that he wouldn't want the tieflings to die.

I can only hope they survive. There were so many children, and they've already been through so much.

In one twenty four hour period I guaranteed I will be stringing no one along. People always get weird when they're constantly surrounded by death. And when you throw a group of hot, talented, and single adults into a pile that's also surrounded by danger and death, there's bound to be a few shared bedrolls, crossed boundaries, crushes, and mistakes made, I suppose. I hope there are no hard feelings, and if there are that we can at least talk about them. I really do feel terrible. I hate rejecting people, because I know how it feels to be rejected in some of the worst ways a person can be rejected.

I also feel relieved now. Safer. I feel like now maybe I can work on getting over Gale.

I guess Volo is intent on sticking around. He invited himself to do so, after all.

Short day today. We needed it. Went and finally had a good long bath, washed all my clothes. I cooked for everyone for once. Hopefully that helped make up for at least some of my assholery last night.

<<< Days 11-12 | Index | Day 14 >>>

#baldur's gate #baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate oc #baldur's gate tav #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 #bg3 tav #baldur's gate iii #baldurs gate tav #bg3 spoilers #bg3 gale #bg3 astarion #bg3 wyll #bg3 shadowheart #tav #bg3 lae'zel #bg3 halsin

[earlgreytea68]

I'm going to descend into Fall Out Boy stuff for probably a while but before I do, I just wanted to put down some musings on AI. Sorry.

You, like me, are probably already sick to death of talking about AI. In my field, it feels like the only thing people want to talk about, not only because I'm a teacher but because I'm also an intellectual property lawyer focused on the technology space, so it's just endlesssssssss.

First I should say that I've been so far completely underwhelmed by AI. Like, yeah, sure, I get that it's amazing and I'm probably spoiled by tech wizardry or whatever but if AI is so great I think all the algorithms in my life should be better at recommending things to me (I gather TikTok has the best at that but I'm not on TikTok). Westlaw's AI is so incredibly terrible that the database has gone downhill ever since they tried to make me pivot that way and I'm constantly being like, PLEASE GIVE ME THE OLD WESTLAW INTERFACE WHERE I USED MY OWN ACTUAL BRAIN AND GOT THE THINGS I WANTED EFFICIENTLY WITHOUT ROBOT INTERFERENCE.

I tried out ChatGPT because I wanted to know what the fuss was and I put one of my old exam questions in and it gave me four sentences in response, one of which was just a flat-out wrong statement of law, and considering I would have expected around a thousand-word analysis of that exam question, four basic and only half-right sentences was just not super-impressive to me.

But I gather that it's getting better all the time and that the harder you work on what you ask it for and keep refining your prompt then the better the output is, or whatever. I also gather that asking it for text output is probably super-different than asking it for visual output.

I'm talking about this now because I went to this symposium and there were panels on AI and honestly, the more I hear *tech* people specifically talk about AI, the more I want to light myself on fire. Like, one of the topics was whether the AI using everyone else's copyrighted works as input without the creators' permission was copyright infringement. The tech people were like, "No, not at all, because the output doesn't actually use their work, it's just training the machine, it's just an algorithm." But then the tech people in the next panel were like, "But of course we should get to own all of the output of the AI because it's using human creativity." And I'm like, ...this feels contradictory to me? Like having your cake and eating it, too? It can't NOT be infringement because it's all machinery but also you get to own all the output because it's not just machinery.

Like, sometimes I think if AI were really just about, Idk, algorithms helping us out, we wouldn't have to talk about it in IP symposiums. The reason we're talking about it is because OBVIOUSLY people are going to start claiming ownership over the things AI creates and so we're going to end up in a world where humans (corporations) own what humans create AND they own what machines create and all of that is so much more stuff owned than ever before and I don't think any IP scholar looked around and thought that the problem with our creative landscape is "not enough stuff is owned."

Setting aside my views on ownership, though, I've been trying not to be a kneejerk crotchety old person about AI. The tech people at the symposium kept saying it was just a tool that people would use to aid them, like a typewriter or PhotoShop or whatever, and that people always freak out about new tools possibly killing human creativity, and that doesn't turn out to be the case. So I keep trying to keep an open mind. Maybe I'll really like writing with AI! Maybe it will be awesome! But I can't shake the fact that I don't even like Word to suggest autocompletes to me when I'm writing a fic, because I feel like it's putting ideas in my head about where the story or sentence or dialogue is going that isn't what I intended. I especially hate that little thing on the side that tells you that your document is "54% good" or whatever and then wants to edit you to within an inch of your life. All of it makes me think that maybe it's a great tool for writing a cover letter or a resume but I don't want it going through my fics telling me to take out the run-on sentences that I have intentionally added to suit the mood of the character. Like, those aren't accidents. I know how to write sensible sentences, I do it all the time for work. Not everything should sound like work. "The next generation of content creators are all going to use AI," this tech person confidently stated, and I thought, Well, I'm going to get left behind obviously because I cannot imagine using AI to write my fics, OR in a few years I WILL be using AI to write my fics and thinking how silly it was that everything in the fic used to come straight from my own brain.

I get that their argument is that the AI isn't going to write the fic for me, it's just going to help me, the way spellcheck helps me. After all, what they say is that it's not going to supplant the market for artists, that there will always be demand for human creativity. But they say this while simultaneously admitting that the movie studios have already begun to use AI-generated scripts and scores and even actors. "So far," the movie studio reps announced, these are not as good as human-generated ones. But it's pretty clear to me that they think they eventually will definitely be good enough for them to cut the humans out of the equation. And anyone who thinks, "no, no, that won't happen, employers totally value human labor," has apparently never had a job, because employers definitely do not value human labor lol. And sure, I'm sure there will always be creators who will be able to get paid but these will be the big-deal creators with the connections, and it's not like we don't already have income inequality in the creative space and people's ideas being stolen when they have no power because of this inequality. I'm sure that problem won't be massively exacerbated when a corporation can see someone's work they like, feed it into AI, and have what they want produced in that person's style with zero effort or money paid.

The tech people talk about AI with so much hope, and I want to be on board, I want to hope for good stuff. I think it sounds like it could help people with the things they find difficult and challenging, that, for people to whom writing doesn't come easily, it would be a huge help to shape their sentences. For people to whom art doesn't come easily, it would be a huge help to give them a template. I want that to be how I think about AI. It *should* be a great tool for this stuff.

But then I think about how the problem with every tool is the humans using it. That tools are always relatively neutral and benign, it's the humans who use them for ill. That it was a straight line of less than two decades to go from "here's a great way to connect with friends and family!" to "here's how we turn the world's leading democracy into a fascist dictatorship." And yet tech people still talk about having hope. I want to live in their world. But I can't help but live in this world, where I look at all this "promise" of AI and I think, Great. So great we came up with this so we can do something absolutely nightmarish with it in the next few years.

Sigh.

#artificial intelligence #long post

[andreabandrea]

i really love post-game headcanons where frisk refers to flowey, either jokingly or seriously, as their best friend. their dynamic is so interesting to me, like. flowey feels like anyone who sees him and knows his secret will only want to have asriel back, but frisk never knew asriel. on the other hand, they know flowey - and flowey is the only other one who knows what it's like to save and reset.

and that gives frisk a connection that they don't have with the rest of their friends and family. even though in the true pacifist ending, things are all fine and dandy now, there could very easily still be trauma of like - every monster trying to and succeeding in killing them (except papyrus, who just beats them near unconscious and throws them in a shed). and if they did any neutral routes, they might have killed also, and nobody knows about it or remembers it except them. even despite killing and being killed, just the trauma of resetting and being forgotten and starting over several times could weigh on a person - granted, frisk is a very determined person, but still.

i think the concept that frisk doesnt want to change flowey, but instead meet him where he is, would be intriguing to flowey - and in some circumstances, i could see that being enough to convince him to come to the surface - and this has always been more interesting to me than "saving asriel"-type endings. some things can't be taken back. trauma can't be erased - but you can still move forward with your loved ones by your side.

i think frisk and flowey would help each other heal. frisk initially tried to run away from the surface for a reason, and maybe not a good reason - asriel implies maybe they were trying to end their life by climbing a mountain nobody returns from. flowey has a whole load of trauma that i surely don't need to elaborate on - but i will anyway.

a lot of flowey mischaracterizations stem from the reader taking his words at face value. in new home in the no mercy run, flowey expresses that he's emotionless and nothing but a heartless killer. a lot of fics tend to write flowey as nothing but a perfect calculating killing machine because the readers believe him. but his actions tell a different story; flowey loses his patience with the whole "i'm here to teach you about love" act if you dodge his bullets three times - it's childish, in a way, because he is a child and he's mad that he's not winning at this game. flowey clearly expresses sadness, anger, and in the no mercy route just a bit after new home - fear. (the way i've written it in the past is that he's constantly disassociating from himself and the world by portraying his death and trauma as part of a game, and the way he deals with emotions is filtered through this ptsd-like view, but i dont want to act like i'm the best flowey writer in the world or anything, i've also made a lot of mistakes).

regardless, flowey is, at the end of the day, also a child like frisk. he wants to seem scary to them, and in the no mercy run, he's trying to sound cool and appeal to "chara" - that's why he acts the way he does. it's like a child trying to scare another child or act tough for a beloved sibling.

flowey has also done terrible things to frisk; they're not exempt from the list of monsters that tried to and succeeded in killing them. and although i think all the other monsters can and would be helpful and healing toward frisk and flowey, there's something valuable about a bond like - "we went through this together." if frisk can forgive someone like asgore who succeeded in killing 6 humans, killed them a handful of times, and also made them kill him, i think frisk can forgive flowey.

this comes down more to headcanon, but i think the way that frisk and flowey would interact in this post-game scenario is that, like. flowey would never admit weakness directly. he would feign disinterest in the surface and its denizens, but only because he's afraid. afraid that people wouldn't want him around. afraid because he doesn't know what happens next and if he deserves to see it. afraid of what he could do. but if he, soulless that he is, ever did try to do anything harmful, frisk is the one person who could easily stop him. (not that they would have to - flowey only killed out of boredom, not out of a real enjoyment of it; with so much to do on the surface, and no reset as a failsafe, i can't imagine flowey starting to kill again).

i think frisk would be able to read between the lines about when flowey is hurt and upset and try to comfort him without making him feel weak. we see frisk's kindness and mercy scare and upset flowey once (post-photoshop flowey fight), but those aren't normal circumstances - flowey hadn't grown as much then as he has by the end of the true pacifist route. i think, with time, flowey could come to accept he deserves to exist as he is and accept kindness, and show it in his own way

without the ability to reset (barring the true reset), anything that happens from now on is permanent. flowey in the game relies heavily on his knowledge of past resets; without that, he's forced to admit (albeit if only to himself) that he's not as smart and powerful as he likes to claim. it's a scary new world, and the future isn't written, but i think flowey would be willing to face it again with frisk - someone he always wished he had as a friend.

#bandrea blabbers #ugh!!! i didnt mean to type a whole essay #none of this is groundbreaking or new analysis #i just have so many thoughts about flowey undertale and they ambush me when im doing chores or showering #utdr