#im crying so hard why am i doing this to myself this was so random i cant

[thatdeadaquarius]

Sobbing and crying just saw your post of us sounding like a Sim, and I am DYING.

What if it went the other way? They can understand us, but we can't understand them!

Us : hey so what the fuck is happening why tf am I in genshin impact

Them : OMG ASKSKSKSKS FEDERRRALL MEERKK TREEESO! (Omg it's the divine God I'm shittinh myself oml) or whatever idk)

Us: excuse me what the fuck did you just say about my mother? (US mishearing or maybe the words are randomized? Who knows)

Everyone just being confused and frustrated on why you can't understand them. Is it because they aren't worshipping you enough? Maybe some friendship level BS where obly those who are lvl 10 can understand u or smth? Who knows, certainly not the Creator.

I highkey am thinking about writing smth for this now but having it be for like each archons reaction or smthin but who knows. I just wanna see a bunch of divine beings confused outta their mind in like whatever cities square and it turning into a "holy game of charades"

Also happy early birthday ajdjdjkdkdkdk

I”M SO LATE SO THANK YOU FOR THE BDAY WISHES LMAO SORRY KARMA MY BELOVED

AHHHHH U INSPIRED ME BY THE ARCHONS HOLY GAME OF CHARADES-

AND OH NO LVL 10 ONLY FRIENDSHIP UNDERSTANDING-

(づ ￣ ³￣)づ here have a hug for your patience- sorry karma!! :')

LMAO this inuyasha gif- obviously everyone else guessing what ur doing and the 2 others r like ppl like Venti or Kaeya who r just fucking with ppl by joining you lol

OK BUT WHO DO U HAVE LVL 10 FRIENDSHIP?!

BC I GOT NOBODY 😭

ITS RLLY HARD TO DO OKAY-

I HAVE TO PUT ACTUAL EFFORT INTO THE FEW THAT ARE LEVEL 4-5 

ID BE SO FUCKED-

Oh no.

Oh god (you??) no.

What if you had the highest friendship with little d**ks like Scaramouche.

noooOOOOOO

He’d be like, “Eh, I don’t feel like translating today.” 💀

Also I’m rolling with the idea that 

perfect understanding = lvl 10,

Most words 7-9

Some words 5-6

Kinda ?? they get 2 words per sentence or smth 3-4

Basically nothing 1-2

◇

Anyway ornery bitches like Scara/Xiao/Alhaitham/Rosaria/Diluc (all for diff reasons like diluc/xiao would just be overwhelmed and dont like ppl that much lol, whereas haitham doesnt give a fuck lmao) would kinda suck to have as translators

OH NOT THE PEOPLE WHO WOULD JUST LIE ABOUT WHAT U SAID ON PURPOSE TO DECEIVE THE MASSES LIKE Heizou/Yae Miko/Kaeya/Venti 

They pull something like “oh well the god of gods said I could have the last slice of cake/an extra glass of wine hehe”

For different reasons these people would also be ROUGH translators: FISCHL OH NO- , Zhongli, Albedo (he simply would omit “unnecessary details”, cyno, ITTO PLEASE, Raiden (puppet) bc shed take stuff too far/too literally u would never be able to communicate jokes, Razor (im sorry bbyboy), Shenhe

THE CHARADDEEESSS

THE CHARADES OF THE GODS 

You may or may not get another title of a jokester god bc of these SILLY charades 💀

The people u have higher levels of friendship with giving hints LMAO

♤

“Uhhh….. Oh! Oh! Greatest Lord wishes to see a dance performance!” 

Nahida’s sweet voice rings out in Yujing Terrace, her tiny hand waving in the air like an elementary student who’s really excited to answer. …Which isn’t that far off honestly.

“Hmm, I disagree Buer, I believe the Hundun Emperor is saying they wish to take a bath perhaps. I am also attempting to use context, as it has been a long day for them.” Zhongli is in his classic “majestic thinking gentleman” pose, and you’d admire it more if it weren’t for the fact that they don’t seem to be getting what you’re saying.

You hadn’t yet found someone with a higher friendship level than 2 or 3 (hey, don’t blame yourself, you really have to put effort into friendship levels to get them anywhere and you were still busy screwing around in Sumeru when you got spirited away).

So needless to say, most people were getting “the, me, I, you, etc.” rather than the actual important keywords you needed them to, hence the godly charade game now.

As you “hold” something, you throw your hands up in the air, still keeping your hands wrapped around nothing. You think if somebody told you last week that you’d be playing charades with the archons in Genshin Impact so you could actually communicate with them… well you don’t know what you would have done. Maybe just gave them a really awkward laugh.

“Oh! Are you asking for a weapon? Akitsu Mikami, my emperor, we or our nations will surely provide protection from any harm that might befall you. Hm, I suppose we should offer something anyway… I wouldn’t want to displease them…” Ei mutters to herself, having taken over her puppet once more for the occasion.

She and Buer, still retaining their authority status, had asked for the area to be cleared in order to try and get closer to communicating with the Divine First, or you.

“Ha! What idiot would try to hurt the All-Parent in their home, unless they wish to get thrown?” Venti cheekily says, as you don’t understand him, but judging by Zhongli’s clenched jaw, Ei’s sigh, and Nahida’s giggle, you can guess.

You give your own sad sigh… it’s already been 3 hours. 😭

How hard is charades for 4 archons??

Well… apparently very hard.

You put your face in your hands, and you hear the (retired) archons start to debate something, you can tell it’s getting a little passive-aggressive between Venti and Zhongli by their tone alone. 

…Okay, now it’s just aggressive.

The archons eventually give their attention back to you so you can go back to your charades lol

You tried opening your mouth and closing it, very obvious, they can’t go wrong. 

…Turns out they can. 

Somehow you find yourself with a hot tea brewed by the geo archon. 

(Venti attempted to offer you Dandelion Wine, or Osmanthus Wine even, and only god, well you now, knows where he pulled them from. Ei swatted his head, he looked so offended, and his cheeks were all puffed up, heh.)

Giving up, you just try to motion for them to stay still, your hands gesturing like trying to calm a wild animal.

They give you questioning looks, and you begin to walk off, they all seem to immediately start discussing something with each other. All of the gods look very conflicted, and after a minute of you getting further away (yes, you’re almost home free, Xiangling here you come! ) Nahida skips to catch up with you.

She gives you a beaming smile, and you can’t bring yourself to not return it. She's so much cuter in real life, even the official art didn't do her justice.

You make your way towards the restaurant, finally.

And apparently you’re happier than you thought to smell the savory scents flowing out of the kitchen because your stomach growls loudly.

You’re too hungry to even attempt to stop it, no one will care, except Nahida’s eyes go wide. She begins to sputter, and flail her hands desperately trying to charade an apology at you.

…you were just trying to tell them you were hungry. 💀

☆

Ask box open again! :] 🎊

Pspspspspssubliminalmessagingyouwillsendthatdeadaquariusanaskpssppspspspspssss

✨️Hope you guys got smth out of this rough draft✨️ ♡

:D hope u guys have had a good weekend!

My senior art exhibit is april 6th so wish me luck and prayers (from any religion im not picky pls)

Safe Travels,

💀♒️

♡the beloveds♡

@karmawonders / @0rah-s / @randomnatics / @glxssynarvi / @nexylaza / @genshin-impacts-me / @wholesomey-artist

#hope this was alright i felt like my scenario wasnt written the best :/ but i tried ig #i still def wanted to write abt the gods charades lmao #but idk if i did that funny idea justice #venti would literally just mimic whatever charade your doing hes useless #hope u arent a venti main lol #genshin impact #genshin sagau #sagau #genshin imagines #genshin sagau ideas #gender neutral reader #genshin isekai #genshin god reader #genshin impact sagau #genshin impact self aware #my asks #dammit why can tumblr memorize all my tags for me #genshin scenarios

[class-1b-bull]

Class 1-b as random things me and my friends have said to eachother!

I tried to get everyone multiple times but some characters got more than others </3

There is a lot of cussing, name calling and mentions of virginity but dats about it. Plus a brief mention of drug dealing.

:] :] :]

Manga- BRO! IS THIS THE BOKU NO HERO ACADEMIA ULTRA ANYLISIS BOOK THAT LETS YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT THE CHARACTERS, THEIR QUIRKS, AND THEIR RELATIONS WITH OTHER CHARACTERS FROM THE SAME SERIES?! PUBLISHED BY HORIKOSHI, THE AUTHOR OF BOKU NO HERO ACADEMIA, HIMSELF?!?!

Bondo- uh yea?

Manga- i knew you were cringe but a virgin? Do better man.

:] :] :]

Sen- WHERE THE FUCK IS CTRL+Z?!?!?

Awase- ctrl z dosent work on tattoos actually..

:] :] :]

Kuroiro - the atoms will align because im hot like that. *runs straight into a wall*

:] :] :]

Kamakiri - the riddle isnt that fucking hard your just dumb as shit.

Kosei - can I give them a hint?

Kamakiri - no, fuck you.

Awase - you had to high expectations for me and tokage when making this riddle.

Kamakiri - I litterally looked up riddles for kids.

Tokage - well im obviously not a kid so that probably why I cant figure it out..

Kosei - can I pleasssseeeeeee give them a hint.

Kamakiri - fine whatever.

Kosei - ASS!!

Kamakiri - you know what? Actually... shut the fuck up!

Kosei - its a good hint!

Kamakiri - no the fuck its not.

Rin - no actually thats a great hint. Want me to demonstrate?

Awase - what is there to demonstrate???

*litterally 3 1/2 hours later*

Tokage - WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DOES ASS HAVE TO DO WITH THE MOON?!?!??!

AWASE - FUCKING MOONING!!!!!

:] :] :]

Kendo - just letting you know, your a great friend. And I really care about you.

Kodai - being nice to me wont change the fact that your ass at mario cart.

:] :] :]

Shiozaki - *running up to kendo full sprint* hey um- quick question, could jesus do a kick flip? SPECIFICALLY with the kids hello kitty skatebord that crack dealer tried to sell us...

:] :] :]

Shishida - I dont like gossip but I thought I should let you know that monoma thinks your a drug dealer...

Kosei - why? Is he a cop?

Shishida - no but-

Kosei - is he buyin?

:] :] :]

Shoda - *crying in a voice message to the class b group chat* I just got into a car wreak and the cop had to pull me out of my carrr *loud as sniff* while fucking doja cat was talking about sucking dick... and it was really embarrassing. Oh! And I broke my leg I guess but whatever.

:] :] :]

Pony - Want my autograph? Too fuckin bad bitch! Im Beyonce type famous now I dont have TIME for your annoying ass.

Kodai - what happened?

Komori - she got 15 likes on a tumblr post.

:] :] :]

Tetsutetsu - MEN CAN LACTATE?!?!?!

Kosei - *loudly starts playing carless whisper in the distance*

:] :] :]

Kamakiri - shut the fuck up I only came over to your house to watch madoka magica and pet your cat now where the fuck is kitty kitty bang bang?!

:] :] :]

Honenuki - hand.

...

Honenuki - HAND!

Kuroiro - TAKE ME TO DINNER FIRST?! I aint ready for that kind of commitment man.

Honenuki - if you dont let me finish painting you nails I am going to kill your cat.

:] :] :]

Bondo - *crying while eating pretzels* he really did crank that soulja boy...

:] :] :]

Monoma - statistics show that I am better than you at litterally everything so riddle me this? If I am so fucking awesome why do I cry myself to sleep every night?!

:] :] :]

Reiko - that toddler is so fucking metal..

Like get it bitch. Tell your mom to fuck off for putting you in time out. Girlboss shit.

:] :] :]

Rin - that kid is litterally me.

Kosei - *earth shattering scream and falls off ceiling*

:] :] :]

Shiozaki - so is everyone that does crack jesus or just your mom?

:] :] :]

Shoda - thats a nice fucking rock...

Kodai - please dont fuck the rock...

:] :] :]

Awase - WTF WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEYRE NOT REAL?!

Rin - awase why would sen have a LIVE jellyfish inside of a lava lamp...

Awase - he would if he wasent a beta cuck.

:] :] :]

Pony - if I give you $20 can you draw the dude from highschool musical pregnant? Its for my cousins birthday.

Manga - first of all what the actual fuc-

:] :] :]

Shiozaki - believe it or not. But being a man. Ok? And sucking another mans dick. BEFORE MARRIAGE. Hear me out on this one... Is slightly againt the great lord above.

Kodai - jesus?

Reiko - no, ace ventura: pet detective.

...

Reiko - specifically after he climbed out of the rinos ass, naked.

:] :] :]

Sen - bro what even is this? Its low key ugly as fuck.

Rin - thats litterally me...

Sen - daymn *sticks photo in pants* ANYWAYS-

:] :] :]

Shishida - I get everyone is trying to stay calm but twerking to the fire alarm wont stop the fire!

:] :] :]

Rin - cute dogs!

Kosei - *lifting his foot* thanks I moisturize~

:] :] :]

Pony - i knew something was wrong with you when you laughed at my joke but not in the 'I watched mean girls' type of way.

:] :] :]

Komori - *walking around the house frantically*

Reiko - we would be out the door already if you didnt kiss all of your plants goodbye..

:] :] :]

Awase - I couldn't even hear that because me and kosei were talking about how hot she was.

:] :] :]

*Rin buddled up in like 20 blankets in front of a fire place*

Kosei - hot girl shit. *dives into the pile and face plants right into his balls.*

:] :] :]

Manga - can I eat your knees tall man?

Bondo - no thanks.

Manga - what if I asked in a uwu voice?

Bondo - still no.

Manga - daymn... alpha male type shit.

:] :] :]

Rin - you realize i am a dude right?

Awase - guys can have long hair?

Sen - of course they can have long hair dipshit.

Kosei - who cares if rin used to be a girl?! Hes a guy now and thats all that matters!

Rin - no I was always a guy...

Kosei - its ok man :D ill always be your friend <3

#bnha headcannons #bnha headcanons #class 1b #mha headcanons #awase yousetsu #kosei tsuburaba #mha hiryu rin #sen kaibara #rin hiryu #shihai kuroiro #manga fukidashi #monoma headcanons #mha class 1b #bnha x reader #ibara shiozaki #jurota shishida #nirengeki shoda #togaru kamakiri #yui kodai #kinoko komori #neitomonoma #juzo honenuki #itsuka kendou #tetsutetsu tetsutetsu

[mitsies]

Hi!! Hello—I hope you don’t think I’m stalkerish, but I’m the author of Intrinsic Warmth and I came across your tumblr and oh my gosh I just wanted to say thank you ??? This is insane

I am so incredibly honoured (???) that you think so highly of my silly little Gojo fanfiction. Like, genuinely. Its description in your rec list nearly made me cry—it is so flattering and so ridiculous to me that people actually enjoy my little side hobby (which is IW)?? I write it with nowhere near the dedication that some ao3 authors do—I’m a hobby busybody as well as a school neek, which is why updates take so long!!!—and so I literally do not expect people to stick around to follow it, like, at all. And the fact that people do?? And that they look forward to updates??! I feel like I’m repeating myself but I’m genuinely in shock.

I’m trying to think of coherent things to say but I am struggling so hard, oh my gosh. I genuinely cannot convey how baffling it is to see people talking about IW in a way not directed specifically at me, like comments, or something (which is another thing!! The fact that someone—like, *you*!!—has put my fic on a REC LIST?!?! INSANE!!! *I* use rec lists! All the time!! Wtf?!?! Being put on a rec list, that’s for real ao3 authors, and I’m just someone who writes on ao3, man! Insane. Truly insane). So you know, this has been sent to the girls’ groupchat because I needed someone to freak out about it to.

I don’t even know what to say. I saw a post you made about saving IW in case ao3 went down again?? Firstly, I can assure you that ao3 is in no danger and that it’s not going anywhere—but dude, if for whatever reason some random bloody nuclear disaster doomsday apocalypse happens and it does go down, I will literally send you the latest chapters direct >:) Do not fear. Truly the least I can do, my lord.

Jesus, I feel like I need to do something! Like, is there something you want from me?? LMAO. I feel like a poser. It’s like at the end of 2013 wattpad stories where the author would host a q&a with their characters / themself. Can I answer some cool elusive question over here on tumblr?? IDK. I have no idea but I just want to show my thanks for genuinely making my week, good lord.

I think I’ve conveyed how bloody insane this is for me. I’m truly so grateful. This is wild. You’re the best. Thank you so much.

oh my GOSH. i just want to start this off by saying .. this is so embarrassing for me. holy SHIT this is embarrassing — and insane, of course, and shocking, and so so many things but i am so sorry you had to watch me fangirl 25/8 over your work.

right now how i'm feeling could best be described as a cult leader (because i think i've started a small cult in your name.. sorry) whose like deity has come down in human form to speak to them for the first time. like this is so insane, i can't fully verbalise how crazy getting this ask is 😭 in case you havent picked up im a big fan!! i know i sound absolutely insane rn and i sincerely hope i don't sound as big of an idiot as i feel but i have quite literally sent voice notes upwards of 20 minutes to my friend about your work like i am SUCH a fan

i have received so many asks, messages, dms of people who have read IW at my recommendation and it is so fully deserved :,) you are such an insanely talented wordsmith and i don't think i've ever read a fic that conveys characters in such depth and with that level of emotional complexity. i admire you and your writing so insanely much, honestly in the least weird, least crazy, least stalker way possible you are such an inspiration to me in my own writing — you are so eloquent and verbose, in a way i aspire to be !! so you're not only a fantastic writer but you're a baseline, inspiration, & motivator, and i can't thank you enough for that

i genuinely believe that intrinsic warmth is one of the most amazing things i've read on ao3, and my fav fic work overall like ever forever and ever like honestly i could be dead in the ground 6ft under and halfway to hell and i'd still find time for my monthly reread 😭😭 it's absolutely insane that you say this makes your week because oh my gosh, i will be thinking about this for the rest of the month. might even add "thatdesklamp noticed xx" to my bio for good measure ! honest to god in my silly little head u are a celebrity and im like a crazy fangirl jumping at ur feet like a chihuahua or something .. would literally jump off a bridge if you asked me to !

with all that being said, i don't think i am graceful enough to convey the absolute adoration i hold for you and your writing. like wow. like holy shit like woooow wow. that's all i've got left in me — you are amazing, i hope you know that . welcome to tumblr, trust that this will likely not be the last u hear of my fangirling :,) SO MUCH LOVE!

#don't even worry because this ask went straight to my gc so i could rave abt you even more #you ARE a real ao3 author are u kidding and in my humble unbiased opinion u are one of the best #im still in shock and will take 3-7 days to come out of a catatonic state rn so excuse this half-hearted response u deserve the world #mitz asks #TLDR: im ur biggest fan.

[hearts4aailyah]

🖇️. YANDERE IWAZUMI X FEMALE!READER

"Iwazumi p-please put the whip down! I swear I wasn't give attitude!" I whined out, my voice cracks with tears running down my eyes, I was running around the house with Iwazumi following me with a whip in his hands.

The bruises and scars haven't healed up since the last time because I refused to say the words "I love you"

"Cmon Y/n~! Stop being such a bitch and running away and take your fucking punishment like a good little girl yeah?"

"N-no please!" I continued to run up the stairs, almost tripping. I quickly run into a random room and shut the door, locking it. Sobbing, I go to the corner of the room and sat on the floor. Bring my legs to my chest with my arms on top of knees with my head down.  I'm begging for this to be over soon and that Iwazumi will calm down.

All of a sudden, I heard loud banging on the door.

"OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR Y/N"

I began to cry even more, I don't even want to live anymore. The banging got louder and louder to the point Iwazumi just began kicking it., I knew I should have left this relationship to begin with. I grabbed a chair from one of the desk and put it under the doorknob. I look to the side to see a window. I quickly ran over to the window and I start to struggle to open it but it's not bulging.

Please, please, please, please open!

Iwazumi's bangs and kicks got louder as I continued to struggle opening the window. What I noticed was that there was a lock at the bottom but it just wouldn't crack open.

Out of nowhere, it was dead quiet. Almost as if the entire world disappeared without a trace. I wanted to open the door and sprint out but I was way to nervous, what if he was still out there?

Suddenly, I walked towards the door and before I opened the door I stopped myself.

He could still be out there.

I walked back where the window was and starts again on trying to open the lock on the window, fuck why did I have to put myself in this situation.

The door begins breaking into pieces.

"IWAZUMI WHAT THE FUCK!" I yelled out.

My eyes widen, there was a hole in the door now, I was able to see the anger and craziness in Iwazumi's eyes.

He had a fucking axe in his hands.

I knew he was crazy

But not this type of crazy.

"You don't want to open the door? Okay well that's fine...I'll punish you so bad you'll beg me to fucking kill you!" Iwazumi continues to hit the axe against the door breaking more holes into it before kicking it down with not problem.

My tears started coming back down my face once again

At this point, I started banging on the window yelling at the top of my lungs.

"SOMEBODY HELP! P-PLEASE! hes...hes GOING TO KILL ME" I sobbed as my words were heard as I threw myself against the window until I felt somebody grabbed me back my hair.

"Well aren't you naughty? Fucking disobeying me? Notice how your actions is going to get everybody around you hurt someday?"

Iwazumi threw me onto the hard floor

"And you blame me for being the reason why Tendou died? If only you just behave~ looks like Sugawara and Hinata is next."

"N-no...please Iwazumi. cmon, don't h-hurt them." I whimpered.

Iwazumi smirked "I don't know...you disobey me, ran away from me and locked yourself in this room. Should I really let this slide baby?"

I don't anybody getting hurt again.

It already enough my disobedience is the reason why Tendou isn't alive.

I got up from the floor and stand face to face with iwazumi, I wrapped my arms around his neck. "Cmon Iwa, dont do that...d-dont get your hands all bloody because of me. im sorry."

"Are you really?"

"Y-yes, im sorry for not listening"

"if your really sorry then..." Iwazumi pulled away from me and picked up the whip off the ground. "You could take your punishment...am I right or do we really want two of your closest friends to die tonight?"

"Punishment in anyway you want to Iwa...I-Im sorry for being bad. I love you"

"That's a good girl, I love you too Now...I want you on all fours, make no sounds"

[compassionatereminders]

hi dokter (i think i spelled it right? sorry;;). im gonna sound like an asshole and i feel horrible about that but, i feel like a lot of people fake DID and multiple personality disorders. I know that i shouldnt fake claim people and such but, ive been on discord servers and theres a random channel dedicated to alters finding out who they are and then they always know how to set themselves up with a bot mechanic and switch between people rapidly. im a jerk for this, but genuinely in my head there is no logical explanation for how they have amnesia but know and understand discord completely. or how people will have fictives that are nothing like the source, just genuinely nothing like the character. its present in a lot of teenagers that struggle with mental illness and escapism, i think its less of a knowingly faking thing and more of a misdiagnosing themselves and truly WISHING there were more people there and they could share a body with dream. I feel like i do a fair amount of research, and looking into DID leaves me confused sometimes with how a lot of people online display their symptoms. why do alters all share an account and sign it? how do they all know the password? how do they all know how to operate it? (referring to tiktok because so much DID content comes from there, all with teenagers and young adults. i have yet to see someone over the age of like, 23 talking about DID. Not saying that just cause youre young you cant be blank, but i feel like its worth noting.) i guess i consider myself a kind person, and i dont care about what people do if it doesnt harm anyone. but this DOES harm people. i think its mostly people self diagnosing because they identify mood swings, different interests, and a yearning to be closer to their favorite fictional character or not be alone. so they truly do believe that this character is possessing them, even when its truly them changing their voice, putting on different clothes, adding an accent, and such. when people fake an illness, they dont fully understand what its like to have it and act in a way that is not accurate. isnt this the kind of thing that leads to stigmatization? to people completely changing their definition of DID since all they have seen is kids faking and acting like their favorite minecraft youtuber? i dont know. i feel bad since i hear from people with DID that they do feel this way, they feel like people now have a warped view of the disorder from people faking it online. Im not speaking for everyones experiences, maybe some dont care maybe some think its a coping mechanism, i have no idea. im sorry i went off on such a rant. i really like kats blog, she's helped a lot in ways. one last asshole note. A part of me is crying out that youre just kat typing while speaking her true and harsher thoughts under a different name, like an alter ego. im sorry, i know she wouldnt do that and im sure thats not what you are. i just had to ask, to clarify i guess (Even though i more just. stated it. sorry;;). i am probably not very nice in your eyes now, i dont mean to be the mental illness gatekeeper or anything but when you can very clearly tell so many are faking something serious its hard to just, go along with it. p.s. since youre a dokter who shares kats mind, how did you get all the education to be a psychiatrist? i feel like kat alone could be one, since she is very well educated and good at that stuff. is that why? or another reason. jsut genuinely curious;;.

None of us are psych professionals and none of us are claiming to have DID. Like sure there is a general issue of misdiagnosis causing the spread of misinformation which is to some degree harmful, but when I am explicitly stating that I don't have DID, how do you then read that as me faking DID? How is my experience inherently fake just because it isn't corresponding with the clinical experience of DID? Why is having the clinical disorder DID the only way my experience could be valid and real? Why is anything besides the clinical diagnosis DID fake in your eyes? Please spell that part out for me

#doktor speaks #identity compartmentalization tw #sysdiscourse tw #accusations of faking tw #faking tw #diagnosis denial tw

[whumpshaped]

who wants to hear the insane dream i had that im gonna write a drabble based off of

tw murder, gore, wacky dream stuff

i was at my grandma's with the two dogs, in front of her house, and suddenly i see blood on the little one's paw. and i'm like holy shit there's a little cut. it's bleeding. it's all over the place. and then somehow i follow the blood trail and my gaze lands on... guts. guts by the door. and blood all on the wall. and i follow it up. and there's a fucking corpse on the roof.

i tug on my mom's shirt and tell her holy shit there's a corpse on the roof. what the fuck what the fuck. we quickly try to get the dogs away from there. we grab them and go to another place away from grandma's. we distantly know it's the neighbour's doing because he's mad that we moved away and wants to kill our dogs.

we're inside now somewhere. i see the neighbour walk through the front door like he's a visitor, all smiles. i point and scream IT'S HIM IT'S HIM and no one really listens. they say they can't do anything because he's being friendly. then he walks past my mother and stops behind/hovering over me (i'm lying on the couch) and then leans down and tries to strangle me. someone gets him off me while i flail and try to hit and scratch him. when he's off me i hit him so hard that i actually knock him out cold. i hurt him some other way too but he's not dead just battered.

my mother is calling 112 (hungarian emergency number). i'm crying and saying he's still alive and if the police come and protect him then he'll stay alive and come after us again. parents don't listen and leave with the dogs in hand. i see the ambulances and the police arrive. i think to myself "i have a few minutes. they don't need to know what happened, it's just me here."

i start choking him but realise it'll take too much time. i think back to what i read abt snapping someone's neck but because of dream mechanics i can't gain enough momentum. so while grabbing his hair i push him face down onto the floor and step on the back of his neck/upper spine so hard i hear it crack. my shoe goes through the soft part at the bottom of his skull. there's brains and blood on my shoe.

i stumble out of there. i leave bloody footprints everywhere. i'm going insane, i just killed someone. i pass the police on the way down, they ask me "miss? miss? is everything ok?" they bring me outside in a blanket. i'm in a trance. i say it was self-defence. i know there's no way they'll believe that with how i brutalised the body. i get into an argument with a random old lady who makes fun of my mother for doting on the dogs. i tell her i just killed someone and i will do it again because it doesn't matter anymore. the police drag me away as she runs.

i wake up in a hospital next. its huge. no one tells me where anything is and i get lost immediately. i'm stumbling around in my hospital gown trying to find the room a nurse told me to find. no one gives me directions. i feel like i'm going in circles. i can't even find my room anymore. i wander into areas i shouldn't. i'm so fucking anxious. i just killed someone. why am i in hospital. where are my parents. where am i. why isn't anybody helping me.

i woke up without finding the room

#irlshaped #im not gonna say anything irl disturbing but lets just say it was difficult to live next to him #and my dream was a little warranted given how paranoid i was abt stuff he'd do lol #im glad we moved #murder #gore

[lordoftablecloths]

vent post i guess i dont know i just wanted to write stuff down instead of just go ing to bed and crying over it you can just scroll past it

im fine im sane im noramal im so unbleiveably cringe ,, the only person i have irl- fuck, or even online for that matter- to show the dumbass things i write is my silly little dumbass younger brother who doesn;t understand what im trying to get at and i guess its not his fault, i seriously doubt he's spent unhealthy amounts of time making various short scenerios in his head about charcters he came up with and eventually trying to give them a story and write little things about them in google docs because where else am i supposed to put this and its just ,, he doesnt know wht im trying to do and i dont know how to explain it to him because the "history" i gess behind it is so fucking complicated by now that these characters arent even the same characters as they were when i originally created them, other than some physical attributes and their names and he just knows them as the random cringe shit i made up in middle school but so many years have passed by now that these stupid fuckers whose only purpose to serve is to make me stop remembering that i exist and ive gotten too attatched to them because who else was i supposed to get attatched to when i was going through an identity crisis at the time- and, quite frankly, still fucking am- and it was so much easier to pretend i dont exist and just project my flaws and insecurities and underlying subconcsious thoughts into these charactes that no one knows about except me and oh god im just created a long ass vent post on tumblr that no one's going to read and no one understands the story behind fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck whatever ill go ahead and post this unfinished thing because no one's going to get it either way ill probably delete it later if it doesnt get buried under reblogs

dont think too much about this i just got sad because my brother was giving me a bunch of criticism on an outline of a story i was working on- which is fair, i need to take criticism- but he only knows the characters in it as their semi-formed cringe versions so i chickened out half way and now i feel bad because i was really proud of this thing for the whopping span of like one day before i decided to show it to another human person instead of letting it rot away inside of me like i usually do and now i feel bad about my writing skills

im trying so hard to just take his words with a grain of salt because this kid does not have nearly as much experience with writing as i do, but i feel like im copying too many of my inspirations (DnD, generic fantasy story about defeating evil creature, silly tropes, etc,,) which sucks because that was just like the first two pages of the outline and theres nine fucking pages and like the second half of it was what i put the most effort into and i felt like the ideas were really origianl but i could make myself let him naturally get to that part of the outline because i was starting to feel really bad and wieerd and oh god he is looking at ideas i havent ever expressed to another human person even though i am very familaiar with because i came up with them and they havebeen in my head for at least a year or two by now and have been haunting me ever since so instead of skipping ahead to the parts that were really good in my opinion but would have made no sense without context i just told him to piss off i gues s

i dont know. i feel dumb. i feel stupid. ive put so much effort into this stuff and the concept that ive been wasting my time feels like too heavy of a weight to handle. god none of this porbobably nmakes any sense ,,,,,,,,, i guess this is why i feel miserable when the fanart and shitpost memes i post get a comically larger audience and attention than the art relating to my silly goofy ocs, because these stupid fucking characters are all thats keeping me going . call me cringe, but is it still cringe if the concept that maybe i too can be around people that love me and instead of having to like me in spite of my faults love me for them keeps me from fucking killing myself is it still cringe?

if a tree falls in a forest and no one's around, does its fall even make a sound? (shit piss fuck sorry i dont remember the original quote and all i can remember is tha t one line from that one musical i dont remember what it was)

if an autistic moron that cant even talk to a cashier without having a panic attack makes a universe full of fictional characters of his own cfreation then an alternate universe, then several alternate universes, then a spin off from that original universe and etc etc but its all just on google fucking docs and no where else except deleted excerpts from a dead wattpad account, did he ever even create anything at all?

its pointless. its all so fucking pointless. its a waste of time. why do i do this at all. its so fucking pointless. it makes no fucking sense. you cant just make a story with characters in it, then make a fucking fantasy au of that universe with the same characters but with different designs and wildly different personalities and then make a whole fucking complicated lore-filled story about the fantasy au version while the original universe's story is still left mostly unfinished like forget about a first draft of the text i havent even finished the first ddraft of the outline yet buckarooooooo

okay fuck you guys thats all i want to tell you im going to go pretend to myself to try to go to sleep and then cry now

#vent #i guess #sorry for saying fuck you guys yall are the only keeping me together and making me feel like i have any importance at all #long post

[the-marcos-family-sucks-ass]

Hi....If you don't mind, can I ask, what are your top 10 (or top 7) favorite media (can be books/ manga/ anime/movies/tv series)? Why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before......Thanks....

of course 👍👍 i have not answered this question before . here u are :

1. Mob Psycho 100 - i genuinely think this anime has completely changed the way i view life, other people and also myself forever, and also has made me feel more comfortable in confronting and talking more with people. its also really cute uniquely-animated show with silly funny characters. #reigen4life

2. Mystery To Iunakare (Don't Call It Mystery) - while i think this jdrama/manga is fairly unknown internationally, in japan its quite popular. Even with the lack of international love, i am obssessed with it, because i like how its homoerotic as hell, the little mysteries, how it portrays did (dissociative identity disorder; this disorder is extremely stigmatized so its nice to have a character that is a somewhat realistic portrayal of it), sympathy for abuse victims and that they're completely justified in killing their abusers, silly guys befriending random criminals on ths street, etc. It's a fun show that has an aura of tragedy surrounding it, and i love comedy and tragedy!!!!!!

3. Move To Heaven (kdrama) - every episode, i cried, straight up bawling my eyes out at how this show chooses to portray the dead through their belongings. the cinematography is so breathtakingly beautiful and makes me feel so calm and peaceful even though ik im gonna be crying in the next few minutes.

my favorite episode is episode 9, where i relate to kang seong-min/matthew green, being treated as a foreigner in your own home country hit hard. the loneliness and the frustration of people treating you differently because they see you as an alien that doesn't know where it is and doesn't understand anything. it hits even harder the more times i rewatch it.

it also has my 3 faves things in a show: autism, queerness and tragedy!!

4. D.P (deserter pursuit; kdrama) - this show is such a good critique of the military and toxic masculinity. i haven't finished season 2, but it's still at the top of my list because of how much emotions it made me feel, anger sadness disgust etc. like !!!!!!! i hold so deeply in my heart the nuances of trauma. queerness. tragedy. the way mandatory rotc brings so many people to their lowest point in life while the military does nothing to help them. victims of abuse never being able to get their voices heard or make an impact despite sacrificing their own life in order to make a change.

idk, its just a really cute and silly show ^-^

5. I Told Sunset About You (tv series) - in every episode i cried as well, sobbing screaming running around the walls WAILING. i like how it portrays the struggle of being a poor bisexual asian person who has just recently found out they're queer.

i love the whole "self hatred and unwillingness to accept your identity, causing you to hurt others in the process" thing, because it makes teh a more nuanced character to me, that he's not perfect or flawless and that he's a person that does not know how to react to finding out he's queer, having to constantly feel pressured to be better than his older brother, feeling pressured to repress his identity, etc. etc.

(i don't know if i can say the same for the second addition, "i promised you the moon", though, that one was mostly just fine, not as good as the original, but fine.)

6. The Untamed/Mo Dao Zu Shi (cdrama vers.) - i feel like you already know the answer as to why i like this one alot. its tragic, its queer, its convuluted, it has so many dead characters, etc. everything i love to see in media all put together!! wen ning my son 🫶🫶🫶

7. Everything Everywhere All At Once (movie) - this movie made me kind of understand me and my foster grandmother's relationship more, and has really influenced me to work on communicating with her better, and that i can do silly shit that makes me happy all i want. Forever. seriously made me want to continue living on despite my own country not being able to accept my queer existence.

8. Call Me Chihiro/Chihiro-san (movie) - one thing i love about call me chihiro is its calm chaoticness, how the protag just seems to go with the flow of life. i think the relationships chihiro forms with the people in the town are so beautiful and personal ,, it feels so peaceful and happy despite all the bad things that happen in it, like there's this hopefulness and composed even under pressure type of vibe to it that made me tie it close to my heart

9. Saving Face (movie) - this movie is pretty much SUPER ICONIC in like, the world of asian lesbian films, and for a pretty good reason too,, i feel like it emulates so much of the average lesbian experience with having an Asian family. the casual racism from the mother, the lesbophobia, the matchmaking, the constant peer pressuring into getting a boyfriend, etc etc. i cannot think of one scene in this movie where it didn't directly remind me of lesbian tomfoolery that happened in my life.

it's also just a really cute movie about acceptance and has a good ending (which is rare for lesbian films)

10. Marry My Dead Body (movie) - the concept of this movie is unusual but the execution is so good i can't even. like it made me cry 3 seperate times. while not obssessed with this movie that much, so i can't talk too much of it but its cute!!!!! i thought i was going to get the ick bc of the homophobic main character but he started to grow on me the more he changed his views when he got accidentally ghost married to a guy. and also how they got each others backs all the time and won't hesitate to sacrifice themselves to protect the other is so real. #lintzuchingfan4life

#honorable mentions: dear ex. blue (2002). trinkets. i am not okay with this. setoutsumi. shinozaki kun no mente jijou. #tamen de gushi. tsukuritai onna to tabetai onna. my love mix-up. fluid (filipino show). our dining table. #bad and crazy as well. shoutout to the first kdrama i really liked #and got obssessed w for a while

[djonrecovery]

Yo my name is David but i go by DJ. I’m 25 years old from Florida and im here to put my story out there ion know why but I know my girl does social media but ion want her to know im on the social media trend yet now lol. I haven’t had a lot of family in my life that ever wanted me around ya know? I was kicked out and thrown to the streets when I was young and i started picking up drugs forreal and doing every drug I could to mend my pain and to not be angry in life. I kept fuckin up and dropped outta school and started hangin at trap houses with my former friends who are nothing to me now forreal. When I was 21 I went to county jail and fought charges till I was 22. I then got sentenced to Florida state prison for 3 years. I am not proud of it at all man im not. I just turned 25 on the 3rd. I have been out since January 26th. My dad passed away randomly December 19th 2022 in a house fire. Im doin aight I was still locked up so my fam took care of it while I was down still. I came home to nothing and nobody to welcome me home. Shit was hard on me and I hated life and I was down on my luck and had nothing going for me yet. The state of Florida gave me a life insurance check and I was able to get a place of my own now so im trying to work my way back up forreal. I have been clean off of narcotics for a long time now and I do not want to go back to that lifestyle. That lifestyle is for the birds and it aint cool forreal. Im not proud to say that I went to prison at 22 and it aint nothing to brag on forreal I aint trying to do that at all but I wanted to write this and let people know that lifestyle is for the birds and anyone who thinks slangin drugs and thinkin you a gangster like i used to think about myself.. man that shit aint cool and I lost my dad while I was gone bro. I have lost so many friends to drug overdoses while I was gone and I came home to nothing but im building my life back up and I am building my reputation back up to a positive note and changing myself for those that love and to make my dad proud of me. I also have a beautiful girlfriend who I want to make proud of me and I hate that I have made her cry before because she missed me overtime and wanted me to come home. She the strongest woman I know and I am proud of her forreal she is a soldier and I love her to death bruh. I want to use this time to say that narcotics aint cool. Breaking the law aint cool bruh. I thought I was a gangster.. I thought I was cool as hell. I was robbing my friends for drugs so I could get high and ignore my problems and not do shit for myself. Im doing better now and I am sober to this day since I got out of prison January 26th 2023. I have goals I want to accomplish and set and strive for. I want to marry my girlfriend and buy her a ring and make sure she has a dress and that I can make her happy and make my dad proud of me and my family proud of me. I am working right now doing landscaping and construction jobs with 2 of my buddies and striving for me and my girl and making my dad proud of me today. If you think the drug life is cool.. man you aint cool. Losing friends to overdosing aint cool. We in 2023 now.. I have lost 4 years of my life to the drug life, trying to be a gangster, being cold, not caring, all that shit. For what? I don’t even know anymore. But that shit is behind me now and im grown and trying to be someone now and motivate others and finally come on social media with my story. I didn’t want people thinking I was bragging on going to prison or my past at all forreal. Not the point of this but to be able to share my story and my recovery with random strangers lol but to show people man you can beat the odds like I am. I want to be able to share my story with others and show them that bro- there is more to life than that and there’s more on the other side of life now. I want to help others now and show them I changed and inspire others. Not all of us who have to been to jail or prison are bad people. Some of us do change and come back to society as good people.

If anyone out there in the world wants to help donate anything to me for my journey and my goals and things I want to strive for.. bruh let me know. With my dad being gone im on my own and I ain’t got nobody else to help me out so I sit at my house with my babygirl and it’s just us ya know? I miss my pops a lot forreal so if you wanna help me out to surprise my girlfriend and to help me to become a more changed person to society for the better..

Cashapp

* I want to spoil my girlfriend and marry her eventually. I need to get her her ring soon

* bills

* More food in the house

* Electricity bills

* Being able to support myself and my girlfriend

* I want to spoil my girl and make up for lost time that I feel like I owe her

#drug rehab #rehab #drug abuse #rehabilitation #alcohol rehab #prison #my story #Florida doc #prisoner #jail story #I went to prison #I did 3 years in prison #drugs #changed man #recovery #recover #changing #better to society #crowdfunding #cashapp #emergency funds #funds #gofundme #mutual aid #donations #rightful donations #donations post #prison time #county jail time #I went to jail for a year

[postnuclearophelia]

im so tired of being treated like im ugly when i know I’m not. I know it’s because I don’t act like other girls. The girls I go to the bar with stare around with big glassy doe eyes like dead dolls waiting for men to approach and validate them. I’m confident in myself and it scares men away. It’s hard walking down the street and seeing couples every day. It’s really hard because I really do badly want a boyfriend as sad as it is to say. I’m so loyal and honest and caring I cook and attend to every need of every guy I’ve been with. Like I will straight up launder someone’s clothes and cook for them even if we just slept together. It’s just genuine human kindness and wanting to care for someone but I think some people take it as desperation. I’m not mean to men and I don’t play with them because I wouldn’t do that to anyone man or woman. I just genuinely want to care for someone and be cared for and to help someone grow and have them help me grow. I’m sick of hookup culture and I don’t think I could sleep with someone random again if I tried. I understand that I’m not everyone’s type and that I am like chubbier or fat or whatever but then I see girls way fatter than me [no judgement] with guys I think are super cute so I just don’t understand cause that proves that’s not why. My face is at the very least average and I’m good with makeup and I dress well and I have nice hair. So like why am I so insanely single. Like all my girlfriends are like cheating on their boyfriends with multiple guys and have phones with giant lists of guys trying to fuck them and no one has even expressed interest in me in months. I like don’t know what it is. It’s just tiring like everytime I cook I’m like wow I wish someone was here to eat it I wish I could wash someone’s dirty clothes and rub their back at night. And I don’t have high standards like I really don’t. As long as someone is willing to grow as a person and challenge themselves I don’t care where they’re at in life. And I certainly don’t have high standards for looks. I’m not lying when I say looks don’t mean anything to me. I really could fall in love with an ogre if he treated me right. Anyways. I’m crying on the toilet and I cancelled my plans.

[writing-shroom]

rant post + help lmao

hi this is kind of a cry for help but also just a rant thing, but if you have like thoughts or anything it's well appreciated or just ignore it im just shouting in to the void

does anyone have like tips or advise on someone who's lost, not in a what will i do with my life kind of sense just creative sense

so my mental health is deteriorating slowly, i think it's obvious this year has not been the best for me from the numerous breaks i keep taking lmao but i dunno it's just bad

ive pin pointed it down to me just losing interest in what i like, its a pattern i go through often i get into a fandom and thing i REALLY enjoy and i stay in for a year and i love it

but then after that year, im

well im like this, just sad not knowing what to do cause i think theres less things in the thing im enjoy does that make sense? even though i know thats not true or even if it is

(more stuff under the cut)

i think im bored or burnt out, but then what do i do in the past when this happens i had another thing to fall back on, do i didnt get left alone with my thoughts

but now, i have nothing to fall back on, i havent gotten anything new and the years up. god its sad that my whole day can be ruined cause i have nothing to think and just imagine scenarios for

it's such a pivotal thing for me and its stupid, but i just need something to daydream or spend my time having fun with yk?

ive tried focusing on my social life instead but then it's just became a coping mechanism to replace this other coping mechanism, it isnt healthy i know but what the fuck do i do

ive tried getting into something new but i cant find anything, i mean theres so much media out there i just cant,, click with it i guess?

another thing, very random but, does anyone else see your past fandom you were previously part of and having fun it and just feel

guilty?

guilty that you left it, or maybe you were working on something for the fandom but then just lost interest mid way so everything time you see the unfinished project the guilt becomes worst

i cant even think about my most recent fixation (genshin in this case) without feeling guilty that i havent checked the tags in a long time, that im missing fics that i probably wouldve really liked

like legitimately its hard for me to open my likes because ill get sad and guilty that my most recent likes are from a fandom i dont even check in on anymore, i dont feel guilty that im "betraying" the fandom

i feel guilty at myself, and angry even. because theres a reason i dont check the tags anymore, theres a reason i dont check in on whats happening anymore

i know for a fact ill get sad that theres nothing that makes me excited anymore, which is ridiculous because im comparing how interesting everything was when i first got into genshin (which was a year ago now) to now. of course things have died down so why am i still sad over it

to the point where i cant even enjoy what i used to enjoy about the fandom because i keep comparing it to how it was before

drama and controversies aside, i dunno man i just

bleh

this is pathetic i need a better grasp on my mental state then this

anyways yeah, this is my contribution for the tumblr gods, do what you wish with this.

#🍄shroomy reblogs #help lol #sad thoughts #burnout

[tjsboogers]

CHAT EVERYTIME I VENT TO A REAL PERSON THEG ALWAYS GIVE ME THE FULL HONWST TRURH AND IM SICK OD IT i don’t care if I’m depending on ONE friendship why can’t they just tell me how to fix evertbingwand fix my whole entire life back together by getting ONE SINGLE PERSON BACK 🤓🤓 just tell meplwasew itsnot even that hard to just not lie to me why are you guys just saying “get better friends” WHO??? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EXPLAIN MY WHOLE LIFE OVER AGAIN TO A NEW PERSON and they don’t get it they literally just start saying some shit like getting my life together well maybe it would be if I had a person and not myself like what’s wrong with me do I need to be nicer or something I try and care about everybody equally but I just end up getting ignored or like left out and shit I hate being called a cry baby I want to stop crying all the time but I can’t but it’s better than everythjng else I’ve been doing I just want my sort of bestfriend to make it atleast seem like they are trying to make an effort to be friends and I understand they’re going through stuff but they’re all I have left out of wverybdoy i know or have known because I hate meeting new people and getting close with them because it hurts when they leave after a really short time because they realize im actually a loser and I have to like build up my own self esteem by making myself think im better than everybdody I keep thinking my bwstfrined js gonna stay after we actually have a conversation after 2 weeks of just saying random shit and im like wait!!! This could be such a turning point right now im saved and im going to be fine now but like then it just repeats and repeats and repeats I feel like I need to die because he keeps talking about killjng himself and I need to die before anybody else dies ever in my life because when my mom died I got so bad in my head and shit it was embarrassing id actually have a stroke and a seizure if he died and it’s almost like he is dead bevause we never talk but everybody’s always like “everbody has their own lives” PLESE ride my cock and shutup

[selenalulamoon]

i'm splitting so hard on her and i know why but i don't fucking understand my brain.

is my personality really this fucking awful that everyone i meet either grows to hate me or hates me right off the bat? am i gonna be just like my mom, with no friends? i felt so much guilt for her growing up. and i feel so much guilt when i see her make bubbly conversation with the grocery store cashier or some random stranger she meets in line. she's sweet and funny. god she's just like me! i'm fucking doomed!!

what did we do wrong? we're narcissistic that's what. i mean, maybe not in the dsm-5 sense, but in the colloquial one. god i can't get out of my own head. but why is that ok for wveryone else and not for me? why can't i talk about me?!? why can poppy do it and not me?!?? what did i do wrong?!!????

why don't u love me!!!!!! why don't u like me too, or even see me as a friend or someone to talk to? and i'm tonna be cursed like this for fucking ever? constantly longing for someone i can't have???? and didn't i say to poppy that it was hurting my feelings? and she keeps doing it because.......?!!

my stomach hurts and i've been crying all day. we haven't even moved yet and i foresee our friendship falling apart, and whatever little bit of a relationship i would have had with angel falling apart bc she will use her stupid fucking manipulation and LYING to turn him against me. i'm so mad. i'm so mad and sad and i can't even feel this way bc it's stupid. no one wants me. i'm weird and annoying and fat and look like a fucking monkey. no one will ever love me because i am crazy, i am crazy like this.

i just want it to end. every moment of my life has been exactly the fucking same. my only joy is to have something that gives me attention, or maybe that attention is just love to me. i just want love, unconditional admiration from someone.... anyone. and if i dont have that, which is usually, because i am unlovable, i am sad. i am so miserable and fucking sad. i drank a whole bottle of wine today at work and the tears stopped but the thoughts didn't. all i can think abt is angel and how all day he texts her but has no interest in me. and WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE!!!!! he wouldn't!!!!!! think abt it lotically. but i cant. im hurting: so bad and im so fucking sad and i dont even understand it. i dont understand why im so jealous or why i cant even be the leading role in my own life. i just feel so miserable, like the same 6 year old child with her big ugly glasses and stupid crooked teeth begging for attention and being told to essentially fuck off.

i have so much more to say, but if i'm being realistic, i think i will just. be done. with all of this eventually. i think i may give it another year, to pay off my debts, to go through some more therapy, to make more art. but this will never go away. i know it won't. it hasn't since i was a child. i want so so badly to be loved. to be told that i am not annoying, mopey, ugly? needy, clingy. that my voice isnt too loud, im not too fat, im not too weird. that im just right for someone, anyone. but i'll never feel that. i will continue to search for my father in other people, and return with the same result: abandonment.

i'll give it a couple years. just scared i won't hold out that long. scared that days like this won't end. i've had these same thoughts since i was a child, throughout high achool and college. i'm so scared it won't ever get better. and when i love myself, it turns into narcissism. i cant get better.

but im not buying u shrooms. fuck off bitch.

[residentevilvaldelobos]

A random thing I wrote to get out some pain.

By day or by night

It's cold talons wrap around me.

Cold and sharp they dig in deep.

They seek my heart and know it well.

They know the turns, the right path take.

It's not hard to get inside, I'm a soft soul with nothing to hide.

But once inside soft hands can transform, growing, ripping, tearing at my soul.

"Monster" "Shut the fuck up" "learn to breath" it screams, as I sob in between.

Hope flickering like an ember losing oxygen, I breathe and blow desperate to keep it a light.

However the shadows darken, and begin to close in, I'm boxed, I'm trapped, with no one to get in.

I'm not a Saint, I am not perfect, but I try my best, can't you see that I'm not worthless?

I'm not the monster you claim though you make me feel I am, and the thought race through my head pretending there my friends.

I gaslight myself so much I don't know up from down, this world is twisting and it's going the wrong way around.

I try for you, I try to make things better, I cook, I clean, I push hard to get better, but no matter the details, the things that get done, if I get hurt all your happiness is undone.

I cant have feelings, I can't express my truth, because if I try to I'm a monster to you. I say that hurts but I'm switching tactics, my feelings are invalid, and excuse I use. I only ever do things to hurt you. That's what you say and my heart shatters in two because despite all the pain, the loss, the agony, I still love you.

I know your struggling, I know you need help, I support all your choices inside and out, but you won't make a change, you won't better yourself, and each hateful word makes me lose more of myself. Why don't you believe me? Why do you forget, I give you all I can and I know it isn't a castle, it's a shitty trailer, but wifi can make it better. Im disabled and worthless, but I accept this fact, you knew from the start, but now you pull back.

"I figured you'd get better" you said crushing my heart, didn't you know disabled doesn't get better? There is no better, no now, not ever, my pain gets worse, my joints falling apart, can you handle my illness or will you just fall apart?

I still love you, and I always will, but this pain I am suffering is suffocating. I can't keep my head above water, I can hardly breathe, but your words echo over and over to me. "Learn how to breathe, you have no right to cry," so with that, I close my eyes. I pull back my emotions and go into hide. I've hard years of practice, but I never thought I'd need it with you.

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

feb 19 2024

yo ok ok so

yeah the world is very evil, but I remembered today why im still here. yeah, food is a huge part of it, I live to eat.

I also live to talk to people. I fucking love talking to random strangers man it's so great. and old friends, that's fucking lit too. I helped this lady who was door dashing to somewhere in my campus and we was chatting about life and school and how fucking wild modern relationships are and how lucky I am to have a fluffy farmer that is nice to me.

I helped her to the office where the doordash was and I bumped into someone who helped me in previous semesters with money payment stuff and it was fun chatting to her and her coworker about school and I got an award AND THEN my bfs moms coworker was there too lmfoaooooo but yeah it was fun flexin my little folder project in the awards booklet :} it was good to catch up

and then i walked all the way to a za shop and back for gummi because I deserved it after such a horrible morning and I felt good after the walk and as I went to the bathroom to sit at my desk, I BUMPED INTO MY CHEMISTRY PROFESSOR THAT RECOMMENDED ME TO LOOK INTO OTHER MAJORS and we had a WHOLE ASS TALK ABOUT IT

professor was a real one man I sucked at chemistry but it was interesting when he told the story of the little uh.. atoms n shi

I was saying I think chemistry is fascinating even if its not my thing and he brought up how we need people to draw the atoms with a 3d perception on a 2d surface.

we was talking about how everybody finds their place, and I told him I was happy he was a part of my journey, and he was glad he could help. and we shook hands and I went to the bathroom to piss hard af like the motherfucking g I am.

fuck I felt so fucking drippy man I looked in the mirror and finally liked what I saw. I don't think im necessarily super ugly but I do think im unlikable if im not doing good :")

perhaps that is so, but that is a conversation for another essay...

I got over 900 people to turn in their guns because I was suicidal and drew on a shirt because my school was doing an awareness thing and I put the 988 nice n big on there too and I had an eyeball crying and the tear dripped down into the flower coming out of the ground.

and yeah the sister showed like 20 religious leaders and that's how my shirt reached all those people.

wild shit man.

it is so easy to be angry, to want to throw it all away, to hate it all.

it is so so easy and desirable to let go completely and just do fuck all. idk its just like that. the demons man the demons. don't do this to your kids. please check in and look for subltle hints your kids do or don't trust you and please act accordingly in a way that isn't abusive.

somethings not right if your kid don't trust you I m just saying, they're not gonna call you if something is wrong.

people hurting so much. and all we seem to know is hurt more.

but as much as hatred is possible, so is love, and I have so much trouble with that.

how can those two opposites exist at the same time.. im either lovable or unlovable, what do you mean I can have flaws and still should love myself???

but I know what it means, I guess im just in denial too much. my bf smells it he knows im always hiding.

hit it ski

oh shit oh shit this ones playing I gotta let y'all in on this one cmere

#bpd #borderline personality disorder #my new personality yayaayy #really its just another name for a trauma response #it still ouchies whatever its called :") #ski mask #ski mask the slump god #nuketown #handsome squidward #healing #ji suk jin #지석진 #JYP #the house you live in #love yall #have a safe good day #eat vegetable #draw a flower #blow bubbles #it me #the baby bird #karamatsu #karamatsu matsuno #pico #picos school #gifs #chill #vibe #suite #Youtube

[mintchocobeans]

on the days everything is going smoothly, everything decides to fuck up. I feel horrible. I hate the way papa goes about stuff. its. complicated. and even though his intents are not so but its all just so negative. I stop functioning altogether. I can't stop crying. its like im a piece of glass which was thrown down 20000 ft. I wasn't feeling like myself at all today. idk how I managed to get myself through but its so fucking hard. I feel unwanted sometimes in my own house. and I feel like that's just me overthinking. but idk. I've started masking my emotions a lot. sometimes even with the person I can be super transparent with. but asking for help feels like im doing something illegal and I just can't tell them to make time out of their packed up days just to help me. I mean I shouldn't even be asking for that in the first place but I just can't. i dont feel okay as it is and I already feel like a burden all the damn time. how can I just. idk. maybe that's why ive avoided texts which ask me how I am. I only respond to them when I have something positive to say. or only tell them stuff if I've met my saturation point. I don't wanna be like this. I don't feel like burden all the time. at home and with my people too. idk why I do this. I know I can be completely honest but I just. im scared of

I don't think I have it in me to complete that sentence. Everyone's going through a lot. There's too much on their plate and im trying my best to understand. They have bad days and decide to totally bash out and scold me for the most random things. I am trying my best to understand na? its not fair. But I want to be a priority to someone too. not as a physical person but at least prioritize my emotions. what if i needed you? The way I feel. the way I might feel. what I might think after you act a certain way. if its affecting me. just a little bit. just a little, think about my mental state too. its killing me.